23.5 Ep 8 Stray Thoughts
Last time, the gang decided to gussy up Ongsa for a school event, and we got to see her in traditional Thai clothing. Ton decided to help by stirring up Sunās jealousy for some reason, as if Sunās reticence were somehow the issue of the first half of the season. I enjoyed the few moments between Aylin and Luna. Sun eventually publicly declared that she wanted to be with Ongsa, so they are now girlfriends.
Iām with Aylin. She does look like a panda.
Itās taken us eight episodes to get to open mutual flirtation.
Episode 8: The Starry Night
Girl, Sun confessed to you in public. How are we supposed to keep this secret now? Did you talk to Sun about this?
Thank you, youths, for telling her off for this line of thinking.
I was chatting with @ginnymoonbeam earlier and do like that the drama of this week is āWhat even is dating?ā
I am so invested in this teachersā romance, you donāt even know.
YES, LIESTEN TO SUN. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HOMOPHOBES. THEY CANNOT DETERMINE HOW WE LIVE OUR LIVES.
Ongsa, we have ridden with you for two months. She asked for the kiss. Do not let me down this week.
I love that Sun loves action films.
At least one GMMTV show isnāt pushing its pro-mosquito agenda.
Milk is very good at facial expressions.
This show is making me hope for my boy Mawin again.
Okay, Aylin, this was very cute. I like her calling back to the balled paper message.
I real like LOLād at Mawin and Ton sliding in and out of this window.
Oh, Mawin, I feel for you. I wanted you to ask, but I get it.
All this bonding with Ton is not cutting down on my āHereās How Euro Can Still Winā agenda.
Wow, Aylin, you got me, too.
Thatās right, Luna. Teach her human things.
Chaorenās rejection was great.
Well well wellā¦HEREāS HOW EURO CAN STILL WINā¦
How is it cold in Bangkok? Isnāt it like 80 F at night there?
Kissing with the glasses on? Huge win for lesbians and those who share their beliefs.
That chin grab? I see you, Ongsa.
Whyy are we introducing a separation next week with a study abroad program?
I like Milk and Love, but I donāt know that Love is being served well by this project. It feels like they donāt trust her as an actor and are leaning on Milk a lot. However, View and June are doing a great job together, and I loved the way AJ and Earn played their scenes. I am so invested in the Bambam and Nida story that I sit up every time theyāre on screen. I feel like this show really struggled at building to the moments it wants to hit, but knows exactly when it wants us to hit them. Itās not bad, but itās left me feeling rather unmoored along the way.
Alright, letās talk about how Euro can still win! He didnāt get to kiss JJ in Dangerous Romance because JJ doesnāt kiss boys, he just teases about it. AJ, however, does! I am side-eyeing Tinh for always checking out athletic boys to the point that his friend finds it sinful, but being totally obvious about Mawin pining for him right next to him. Itās givingā¦noā¦I shanāt sayā¦
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Unknown, Ep 10: Qian and Yuan
Iāve had a few people ask if I was going to do a breakdown post for the final scene between Qian and Yuan. Admittedly, I was not planning on doing so, but I like the attention š so I will!Ā
Last we left off, Qian and San Pang were having a very difficult conversation, San Pang forced Qian to think about the future and was kicked out as a result.Ā
We start with a moment with each character to themselves. Qian closes the door behind San Pang and we see him hand at the door for a second, head hung in a way that feels very tired. He walks away from the door back to the couch to grab his glasses and wrap up the evening, when the camera cuts to Yuan sitting on the staircase, just out of sight of Qian.Ā
We see Yuan look up at the ceiling, take a deep breath, and then slowly move his eyes back to center. He is processing everything that he just heard from San Pang and Qian. Yuan is trying to keep himself composed here, he knows that Qian will be heading up the stairs eventually and so he stays seated because he wants Qian to know that he heard everything. Because Yuan is fucking mad.Ā
Qian heads up the stairs and we get, what could not be a more perfect little deer in headlights look from Qian as he processes that Yuan has heard everything. And I do love what this show does in how it portrays its characters because Yuan is still Qianās little brother, and his face in the camera looks like that of an upset little kid. āXiao Yuan,ā Qian says as Yuan stands up and rushes down the stairs. In such a quick moment, Chris rolls his eyes, looks up, and then down like Qian is annoyed at Yuanās behavior while knowing that he is absolutely going to have to be the one to handle it.Ā
Yuan brushes past him, but Qian immediately turns and follows after him, calls after him, tells him to wait. But Yuan keeps walking. Where heās going? I have no fucking clue, but it is clear that Qianās words arenāt going to cut it. Yuan has heard everything that Qian told San Pang. Heās heard about Qianās wish for their happiness, heās heard San Pang tell Qian that they love each other, that they have tried everything to make them not love each other, and what he hasnāt heard is an answer to San Pangās question:Ā
āDo you want him to have a future without you?ā
I donāt know exactly what (if any) part of the conversation acted as the tipping point for Yuan, but he has been pissed the entire episode about Qian hiding his medical stuff from him. So I can imagine that not hearing an answer from Qian about wanting to be in Yuanās future might serve as a last straw kind of deal.Ā
And it marks a very important change in Qian that he runs after Yuan this time, that he physically puts himself in front of Yuan to stop him. Because he doesnāt want Yuan to go somewhere to cool off the way he did during Yuanās first confession four years prior. He doesnāt want to just wait it out. He actually wants to talk to Yuan about where his head is at. That is huge progress from Mr. Hit First Talk Later.Ā
āGe.ā Yuan says, and then lets out a very big breath, like heās trying to temper his feelings, but the frustration still bleeds out of him āIt was never your fault,āĀ
Ah, here we go. What set Yuan off is Qian talking with San Pang about the Russian Roulette, reading between the lines there and understanding that Qian is scared of giving in to his feelings for Yuan because he blames himself for how deeply, how steadfastly Yuan loves him. Yuan is willing to die for him, and Qian has never had that before. Heās scared of giving in to his feelings for Yuan because he is scared of losing Yuan, and he is scared that Yuanās love for him means Yuan will be lost because of him.Ā
āIt was never your fault,ā Yuan said and he put his hands on Qianās shoulders.Ā
I do not even know how to describe the look Qian gives Yuan when he heard those words, nor can I really tell you what emotion(s) Qian is feeling in that moment, but I can tell you that I am obsessed with that look on his face. Itās like his breath catches in his throat and there is an ambiguity there, just like there was a bit of ambiguity in the head nod he gave San Pang, because heās out of breath from running after Yuan, but there is also this chance that the pause in his breathing there is because of what Yuan said. Anyway:Ā
āEven though I know that in the end you might not want all that Iāve given-āĀ
Yuan says, while Qian looks down in the direction of his shoulders, where Yuanās hands were just a moment ago. They made excellent casting choices here, I actually think for this scene it is really important that Kurt is taller than Chris, because it adds some extra power to Yuanās position for me here. The way Yuan looks down at Qian makes him seem even more pissed off about the entire situation, almost like heās belittling Qian. He wants to dig a knife in here, and heās being successful at it
āHearing it first hand still hurts a little,āĀ
And we are back in our original confession dynamic. Qian is not looking at Yuan, Yuan refuses to look away from Qian. Qian looks kind of out of it, I would say he is dissociating a little bit, but I actually think what is happening here is that Qian is getting hit with the full force of Yuanās words. I think he is absorbing and processing everything that is being said and understanding how not making a decision is hurting Yuan. Mostly because of how quick his reaction time is to trying to stop Yuan from walking away immediately after he says it hurts.Ā
āIāll be fine. I just need some time.ā Yuan says, and I do think he means it. I think when Yuan came back from the States he had reached a point where he could live without Qian changing their relationship status, even if he didnāt want to.Ā
But as Yuan tries to walk away, Qian stops him.
āI didnāt mean it that way,ā look at him using his words!Ā Qian looks so fucking exhausted when he does. The world has weighed heavy on him for so long, heās been fighting an internal battle with himself about his feelings for Yuan for ages. Itās a lot, and the way Chris holds Qian here makes it feel like a lot. But, Yuan finally settles, because Qian is willing to engage in conversation. He is trying to clarify a misunderstanding, he is not outright rejecting Yuan here, he is not running away from talking about his feelings for Yuan. And so Yuan can stay, because there is some hope left there for him to hold on to.Ā
He releases another huge breath, he stretches for just a second, grounding himself. He looks back at Qian āThen what do you mean?āĀ
Qian stares in to the void, then rolls his eyes upwards, closes his eyes, and sighs. Chris shakes his head a little, like Qian is giving up. Because he is giving up. Because Qian is about to say the words. He is about to admit that his feelings for Yuan arenāt clear cut. Yuan looks away fromĀ Qian in this moment, where Qian is getting himself together.Ā
gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
āI canāt really figure out if it is love or something else that my feelings for you are.ā And at the end of this, he isnāt running from the words anymore, because he looks at Yuan and Yuan is looking back at him. When Yuan first admitted his feelings, his suffering caused Qian to avoid eye contact. When Yuan returned, Qian couldnāt stop looking at Yuan. When listening to Yuan once again speak to his feelings and tell Qian he was hurting, Qian started in his comfort zone, in the old habits of looking away. But when he is actually admitting his feelings to Yuan, he does turn to look him in the eye. He isnāt avoiding it anymore.Ā
āIs it the love of a brother? Can we really turn it into romantic love? I donāt know.ā Qian is finally having the conversation he has needed to have with Yuan. This is confusing, how do you separate your feelings out? How do you know? What happens if things donāt go well? How much are you set to lose if things devolve?āĀ
Yuan is capable of holding, understanding, and pushing that nuance, weāve seen him do it before at the river. āThis thing between us, is it because you donāt want or you donāt dare?āĀ
āYes.ā Qian says āAll I know is I canāt live without you.āĀ
Yuan has seen that, San Pang and Lili have seen that, we have seen that. Qian wants to be careful with how he proceeds along this path, and he is right to do so. Because it is hard to determine, when you have known someone so long, when you have raised them, when you have seen them as a brother, when you have not had love outside of the family before, when that love has existed the entire time, and has been different the entire time, and how do you recognize that when you are in it?Ā
There is a pause.Ā
āFour years later, you came back.ā
There is another pause.Ā
I love these pauses. I love Qian putting space between these thoughts, whether he is scrambling internally for what to say, or whether he is hesitant to voice them, I do not know. I just know that I love love love when directors allow for breathing room.Ā
āI saw your letter of last words.āĀ
Qian stops looking at Yuan here. Another little pause.Ā
āThatās when I started to feel scared.āĀ
The camera cuts to a wide shot, where both Qian and Yuan are visible. And we can see Yuan reacting to what Qian is saying. Yuan also is not making eye contact, he is fidgeting a little. But he is listening intently to Qianās words. The blocking of this shot is interesting to me too, because the way that Chris is standing has Qian facing Yuan, but we donāt see enough of Chrisā eyes here, so while it looks like Qian is looking at Yuan, that is not necessarily the case. We have seen him look away multiple times and his head barely moves.Ā
Qian is talking in to the void, and Yuan is picking up the signal. Another pause, and right before Qian continues talking, Yuan turns to look at him with this look of surprise on his face. His mouth is slightly agape, his eyes look soft staring at Qian.
Ā āIām terrified,ā Qian says. āWhat if you had no chance to come back? I donāt know what I would do.āĀ
Yuan looks at Qian, looks away, looks up like he is trying to decide how to feel. What type of treatment he should be giving to Qian at this moment. Should he be bitter, should he be harsh, should he be soft?Ā
āWei Qian.ā Yuan saysĀ
AND I WILL ONCE AGAIN SHAKE MY FIST AT THE SUBTITLES FOR TRANSLATING GE AS QIAN BECAUSE IT SO SEVERELY CUTS THE IMPORTANCE OF MOMENTS LIKE THIS ONE.Ā
Qian cannot figure out his feelings! He canāt figure out if he loves Yuan like a brother or something more! So Yuan cuts the brother out of it. He calls Qian by his name. He calls him Wei Qian, he puts the separation up for Qian. Is this the love of a brother? Thatās an easier question to answer when you arenāt being called ābrotherā. How do you feel when you arenāt being reminded of your connection?Ā
I do not have the ability to describe the way Kurtās mouth moves here, but I love the expression he gives Yuan as he finishes saying Wei Qian. Heās clearly going for a soft approach. Qianās mouth, which hangs open just slightly, closes shut.Ā
āIāve told you. I can sum up my life in two words: Wei Qian.ā A smile starts to creep up his face. Thatās love, bitch! Yuan was pissed, but now that Qian has stopped him, not that Qian has voices his hesitations, now that Qian has admitted that he canāt live without Yuan, even if he doesnāt know what his feelings for Yuan are, the love Yuan has for Qian melts the anger and lets the love bleed through. āBut Iām not making you take responsibility for me.āĀ
This is a very important character trait of Yuanās. One of the first things we saw of teenage Yuan was him grabbing one of the household bills. Yuan has been working side hustles while in school. Heās been helping pay the bills. Heās been as helpful as he possibly can be at all times, because this was a home he was given, not a home he was born in to.Ā
GOD DAMMIT CHRIS IS SO GOOD. ALL HE DID WAS MOVE HIS EYEBALLS LIKEā¦TWO CENTIMETERS AND THAT WAS ENOUGH TO KILL ME.Ā
Yuan is saying all the things that Qian needs to hear. Yuan can sum his life up with Qian, Qian fed him, Qian kept him warm, Qian gave him a home, Qian gave him love. Qian has seen Yuan as his responsibility since they were kids, but Yuan has wanted nothing but to be a support system for Qian. I said it before, that Yuan is the only person who continuously helps Qian to whom Qian is not beholden. Qian owes San Pang and his family, Qian owes Le and the gang, Qian owes Xiong. Qian does not owe Yuan. Qian does not see Yuan as someone that owes him.Ā
That small little eye motion are some gears clicking in to place in Qianās head. That small little eye motion is Qian well and truly listening to what Yuan is saying.Ā
And here comes the parallel:Ā
gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
āDid you come after me because you feel guilty, or because you care?ā (this thing between us, is it because you donāt want or you donāt dare?)Ā
A genuine question that Yuan is using to try to push Qian in to allowing himself finally see his feelings through to the end. Qian is standing here before Yuan telling him that he does not know what his feelings for Yuan are. Even though those In The Know (Yuan and San Pang) can see the truth in Qian clear as day, Qian himself has not admitted it.Ā
So Yuan gives him a test.
Qian pauses for a moment, starts to shake his head, blinks.Ā
gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
āI really donāt know,ā he saysĀ
Qian has failed the test.Ā
Yuanās soft smile has a hint of sadness in it now.Ā
āYou donāt need to know.ā Yuan leans back against the wall, looking up at the sky. Qian is looking straight ahead, once again not making eye contact with Yuan āItās always been my problem. Going home with you.ā
gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
The weight of what Yuan is saying hits. Qian looks at the ground. Complete opposite direction as Yuan.Ā Ā
āGetting attached to you. Falling for you.āĀ
Qian closes his eyes and sighs, pulling his head up from where it was pointed. Itās like he canāt get used to hearing Yuan confess. Like it hits him every time Yuan says heās in love with Qian and has been forever.Ā
āWanting you all my life.āĀ
gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
That is too much for Qian. Even with his eyes closed, even though he canāt see Yuan right now, he has to face away.Ā
āIt was never your fault.ā Yuan says, and Qianās eyes open ever so slightly.Ā
And I just have to say that it is really really important to me that with all of Qianās trauma, with everything he has suffered, with the stuff he went through with his mother, that he finally has someone tell him that it wasnāt his fault. There is naturally a lot of hesitation in changing the way you see someone you have raised, someone you have looked at and treated as a brother, and suddenly see them as someone to be romantically interested in.Ā
gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
So it is important to me that Yuan tells Qian he did nothing wrong. That Yuanās feelings here are entirely his own, borne of his own mind and body, and that there is no aspect of Yuanās feelings for him that Qian pressured him in to. That Yuan will be fine, eventually, if Qian does not reciprocate his feelings. Qian is not being forced in to anything here, and neither is Yuan. And I am so so so glad that Qian got to hear that. Twice!Ā
Anyway, Qianās eyes open ever so slightly right as Yuan starts walking away, shoulder checking Qian on his way out.Ā
āWait.ā Qian grabs Yuan by the wrist āWei Zhiyuan.āĀ
gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul
Yuanās eyes are locked on to Qianās hand around his wrist. He once again looks surprised that Qian would be brave enough to stop him from leaving. We get a shot of their hands (š) and Yuan ever, ever so slowly raises his eyes to look at Qian.Ā Ā
Qian has passed the test at the last second.
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