Over the course of two seasons and a movie, we have witnessed My Beautiful Man/Utsukushii Kare's Hira and Kiyoi be the most dedicated color-coded boys in love.
Hira is a Blue Boy. He is stable and sincere.
But above all else, he is loyal to his idol, Kiyoi. Obsessively so.
Because even though all of the world sees Kiyoi as an arrogant, sophisticated, and secretive Black Brooder
Hira sees him as a Heavenly Human.
To him, Kiyoi is a god who should be worshiped, so Hira always lowers himself as he believes he could never be equal to such an ethereal being.
But what Hira misses is that Kiyoi is not a god in all white, but a man devoid of color and love.
Hira worships Kiyoi, but Kiyoi just wants Hira to love him, not as a god, but as a man.
So when Hira finally shows Kiyoi that he not only worships him, but loves him, he finally gives Kiyoi some of his color.
And Kiyoi quickly picks it up since all he has ever wanted is for Hira to love him.
Because as much as Hira openly admires Kiyoi, Kiyoi loves Hira immensely more.
Kiyoi's entire world is Hira, and without him, Kiyoi's world would be colorless.
Which is why Kiyoi demands that Hira sees them as equals.
He knows Hira would never cross a line with him, so Kiyoi always crosses the line first, but it's to lift Hira up and make him understand that they both love each other and are both worthy of this love.
Because when this all began, Hira wouldn't even look Kiyoi in the eyes.
But slowly, Kiyoi continued lifting Hira up.
Until finally, Hira rose on his own to meet Kiyoi where he was instead of admiring him at a distance from below.
So even though on the outside, Kiyoi comes across as dark and guarded
When it comes to Hira, the Blue Boy who gave his world color,
Kiyoi really is heaven sent.
Hira gives Kiyoi the support and love he needs. Hira gives Kiyoi color.
And as a result, Kiyoi gives Hira confidence and purpose. Kiyoi gives Hira's life meaning.
Although Hira would gladly give up his life for Kiyoi,
Kiyoi would never let that happen because he needs Hira by his side just as much as his Blue Boy needs him.
At the core of their relationship is a Blue Boy whose love for Kiyoi is deeply rooted and firmly planted in his heart.
And a Heavenly Human whose love changed him from a boy devoid of love into a man with a devoted partner.
Even if Kiyoi has to be the one to cross the line first
Hira will always follow him without question.
Because they would be adrift without the other. They are equal in life and in love. They are both beautiful men whose world is made brighter by the love they have for each other.
Their love is eternal and not even the heavens could contain it.
There is something about the way Kiyoi has always been independent, aggressive, and often following the "I don't need anyone" archetype . This shows that he doesn't know what healthy relationships look like or why they matter. He never had anyone he felt he could rely on. He did not even want his friends to know what his dream was or that he took the idol thing seriously. He did not have anyone he thought would be his support if he failed and most likely assumed he would lose the artificial friendships that he did have if he showed his real self to them. His whole demeaner screams lonely, hurt, and scared.
Kiyoi has always been so sure that nobody is around him for any reason other than to use him. He does not think anyone takes him seriously. He doesn't trust that anyone could ever be sincere. That is why when Hira comes into the picture, he doesn't trust him. He seems to see it as a way to go from being used to using someone. He never truly accepted that Hira truly just wanted to be around him because of him. This is most likely why they parted ways like they did.
This has been on my mind because of the development we see later on. It becomes even more clear that Kiyoi does not want to be aggressive or the one to make the choice. He has always wanted someone to prove they take him seriously, that they want him, that they love him unconditionally.
We see Kiyoi struggle to open up and communicate and how hard it is for him. We see his tendency to flee when he is scared or hurt. We see there communication suffer because of misunderstandings. But most of all we see them fight for each other even well fighting against each other.
This leads me into the bathtub scene. Kiyoi is no longer this mean aggressive man that we once saw but instead someone who is quietly asking Hira to give him more physical attention. This is a big deal because we start out with him physically throwing Hira to the ground but now we are here.
I am leaving so so so so much out but this show really took over my brain and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Its been a while since I watched it and these scenes still live rent free in my head.
Some actors kiss like it’s their job, some like it’s a chore, and some like it’s a hobby. And don’t tell me you don’t know which is better and which is worse.
Kiyoi: Idk, it just seems like you are less intense lately. Do you even like me anymore?
Hira: *Animalisticly beats Kiyoi's kidnapper into the ground*
Kiyoi: Aw~ There's my big psycho~
So, because I have a hard time making big lists and choosing favourites, this my version of a superlative post, by country.
The one that had me at the first frame
If It’s With You | Kimi to Nara Koi wo Shite Mite mo
As soon as Amane appeared on screen I was gone.
This damaged but confident boy had my heart from the beginning. But it was Ryuji that ended up with a bigger piece by the end. The way he saw Amane’s mask from the beginning and just went – “you don’t need to do that with me”.
And the way he considered Amane’s feelings even when he wasn’t sure what to do or how to respond, or how he was feeling about all of it, was just beautiful to witness and at certain points kinda reminded of Ida.
Favourite Moment: Amane confessing and running away. Because visually it's so striking. The way he's running from the light that is Ryuji.
The one that was perfect and I never saw coming.
I Cannot Reach You | Kimi ni wa Todokanai
I think that by now at least some people know how I feel about Japanese BL. I love it so much. And for me it’s always about the characters. Whether they are the embodiment of chaos, like Aoki or they are just incredible complex and empathic humans like Ida. - Yes, I’m using Kieta Hatsukoi every chance I get- I just love the way all these characters are written and portrait.
I loved these 2 boys in equal measure all throughout the show. I might have a soft spot for Yamato, but that’s only because pining boys are my weakness.
Yamato’s back and forth in his own head about what to do would be annoying to me in any other show, but it was so well done, and we were privy to his thought process throughout that it just made me feel for him deeply.
And Kakeru learning about Yamato’s feelings right away in the first episode was a great choice, because he gave the show time to make the reciprocity more believable.
Favourite Moment - The exchange of gifts at the door. I love the nervousness that the two of them are feeling in this moment.
The one where I gave in.
My Beautiful Man S2 & Eternal
Confession time. This was not love at first season for me. I don’t argue quality overall and much less the acting of the show, but it just didn’t click for me.
There were some truly great moments in the first season but there was a disconnect between my heart and my brain. This happens to me sometimes. Like I watch something that is objectively good but it doesn’t reach me.
That all changed with the second season and the film. I finally connect with Hira. Don't ask me why, I don't fully understand myself, but it happened right at the beginning of the season. I think perhaps it was because I started seeing more from Kiyoi pov, because before I was absolutely clueless about what he saw in Hira in the first place. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
I don't blame the show for this, as I said, I think all the elements are there, it just didn't connect for me.
Also, the film was gorgeous to watch. Several moments (specially the sequence where the gif is from) were so well shot and edited that I'm happy I went in already with a positive mindset.
Favourite Moment: The one from the gif. I'm a sucker for a drastic visual change when the moment calls for it.
The one that had me question if watching it was good for my mental health.
Tokyo in April is | Shigatsu no Tokyo wa
Ok. I love this show. I love Ren. But this was a hard watch for me. Every week I had a struggle between two sides of me.
- Don’t watch it. It will be sad and you will be sad because of it.
- But the last one was sad so I need to watch it to see if there’s happy.
- Why not just wait?
- Because I started already, so now I can’t wait.
- But in this case binging is best. Cause for sure the ending is happy so you won’t be sad for long.
- Yeah, but I need to see more now. And there’s a new episode waiting for me.
- Fine. Just press play.
After the episode.
- I really shouldn’t watch this one live.
(all this repeats the following week)
It was beautifully acted, there were some outstanding moments, the past was as tastefully done as it could be given the subject matter, and in the end my heart of full, but slightly damaged with the process.
Favourite Moment: Ren finding out Kazuma had been looking for him.
The one with all the magic.
What Did You Eat Yesterday? | Kinou Nani Tabeta? S2
I already wrote how this show made me feel in another post. So I’ll just say this.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THIS SHOW. NOW.
If you haven’t, stop reading this and go. GO. NOW. Start.
There is magic here and you don’t even know.
Favourite Moment: ALL OF THEM. But really this one.
Shiro. Just Shiro.
Well, I'll try to write the next one in these next couple of days. Wish me luck.
Hira’s low self esteem becomes an internal (and consequently external) conflict for himself for much of utsukushii kare, but one thing I love are the moments in which he truly becomes his shadow and the power that holds. In season one when he attacks Shirota for bullying Kiyoi there’s this fantasy sequence of how he perceives himself: with a rifle, intent on shooting and killing anyone who dares disrespect Kiyoi.
Except Hira doesn’t have the rifle in real life, only the shadow shot represents his true feelings. What he does have, though, is himself. Hira’s own fists beating up Shirota; his very being becoming the weapon. His self esteem is six feet under but his love for Kiyoi and devotion to defend him pulls him out of the grave.
Utsukushii kare eternal utilizes the shadow shot again when Kiyoi’s in even more danger. The entire sequence is fantastic: as soon as he learns what happened to Kiyoi the color drains from the scene and everything goes dark in Hira’s world. The whole tone shifts, a threatening hum sets in as Hira’s eyes quickly become dead set on revenge and destruction to anyone who gets in his way. Most importantly, though, is the shot of Hira walking through the building Kiyoi has been kidnapped in.
Instead of his physical being and his shadow appearing, his presence as a shadow has duplicated; a shadow of a shadow. Before the fight even begins Hira is the clear winner. No matter how many times Shitara comes at him, Hira fights him off over and over again. Shitara has hurt Kiyoi and Hira won’t let him get away with it. It doesn’t even matter that he gets stabbed and ends up in the hospital, because he still comes out all right. The earlier shadow shot reveals that in this moment Hira has become something out of body, unstoppable as a human being because he’s transformed into something else on a different plane of existence.
What’s significant to me is that these shadow moments are not freeing him of his low self esteem, rather it’s this very quality of thinking himself as no more than a shadow of a person that gives him this superpower in times of need. It’s a transformative act concocted by both the incredibly negative way he views himself and the strength of his love for Kiyoi. Although his confidence may be in the gutter, when Kiyoi’s in danger, Hira’s love and devotion will reverse his self image and quite literally allow him to save the day.