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charmercharm3r · 8 months

Text

Masterlist

warnings: 9th member brain rot, kissing, body image? hardly proof read don’t come for me

prev: two, next: four

☆ﾟ

“Honestly? I hate it. I hate it a lot.”

None of your costume fittings were going well. Pants too tight, boots too big, couldn’t lift your arms or else your top would rise too high. Nothing worked. Did it at least look good? Meh.

“What’s wrong with it?” Chan asked as he stood beside you, looking at you through the practice room mirror.

“I dunno, it just… doesn’t feel right. Something…” You tried reaching around to feel the zippers and pins that held your outfit in place. Chan, ever observant, stepping to help unclip various pieces of the outfit. By the time he was done, it was a bit more revealing.

You were in the same leather pants as the rest of the group, but your top was the most modified out of everyone. A long sleeved body suite that followed the same black and white bedazzled color schemes with triangular cut outs down the shoulders and arms, rising a little too high on your hips. It was supposed to be a sexy piece, definitely not fit for a performance outfit. The stylists had it pinned to the leather pants to keep from revealing how exposing it was, saying how everything was so pretty and perfect for the concept, except this.

The pants rested a little lower on your hips, more comfortably. Chan looked at you again, “how’s that?”

You hopped and moved around, “a lot better.”

“It looks better too!” Hyunjin casually strolled into the conversation. He reached out to trace the seam that exposed your upper hips, “sexy.”

You swatted his hand away, “don’t be weird.”

“I meant it in a good way!” He threw his hands up and side stepped behind Chan and disappeared.

"If you're comfortable with it, this is much better. But it's a bit more than what you're used to showing," the older ignored Hyunjin and played with the pins in his hand.

Admiring yourself in the mirror, you realized it was a lot more than you're used to. The bodysuit was tight, which was okay because it was stretchy. But it outlined your body more than the other member's costume, therefore it stood out exponentially. "Do you think it'll be okay... y'know, in front of people?" The lowered tone of your voice, the question was shaky.

Chan paused to look at you with hints of concern, and he knew what you were talking about. He copied the hushed syntax of the conversation, "if you're worried about bad press, don't. You're part of us, like the biggest part. It's been how many years and if people can't handle that... well, that's their problem."

He lent you an encouraging smile before his attention was pulled away by a screaming Jeongin, then a thud following with Hyunjin piling on top of the younger. Chan had turned away to make sure the two were okay, and in within your lone thoughts, you figured he was right. Other people's opinions are not your problem. This was a step in the right direction.

And Chan was right, as he always is! The outfit was a smash during tour, people loved it and you felt confident. By the time the Japan tours were announced, you were ready to ask for something a bit more. Solo stages meant you were able to show more personality. You didn't have many solo projects, so it was already nerve wracking picking a song and getting help with the choreography.

The other members weren't around for your fitting with the solo stage outfit, just you and the stylist who started to enjoy your newfound excitement for experimentation. She had jumped for joy and brought out racks of different pieces, "I've waited five years for this day! It's like dress up and you're my barbie doll."

It was a large compliment coming from her, her enthusiasm made your energy spike. So you let her put you in different outfits and go over different mood boards to find what it is you wanted. The one-on-one time with her felt like turning a new leaf for your career and confidence. "I'm glad that you want to do this. I never wanted to push you to do something you're uncomfortable with, I'm so excited for you!" Aside from the usual encouragement from your members, her approval was the icing on the cake. After all, dressing people is her entire livelihood.

You hadn't given so much as a hint to the boys as to what your concept was, and it made them annoyed to no end. As they all talked about colors and themes, you kept your cards close to your chest to only let them know what you wanted them to know.

"You're being mean! Tell us! My nosy heart can't take not knowing!" Jisung pestered you the most, though you knew it came from a good place. They were all anticipating it.

When the dress rehearsal came, you put on your outfit last just so that they could all stew in their curiosity a little longer. They had all gathered on the sides of the stage to watch your run through, all of them still in their own costumes.

Your solo began with lifted from below the stage, that alone got howls from the members and also scolds from your manager to be quiet. It was hard not to glance over at them literally toppling over themselves to see your outfit up close, you laughed all throughout the run-through because of the little comments they'd make as if they were the audience.

"That's my bias!" from Jisung and a, "I'll treat you to dinner for being so cute!" from Minho.

Some other barrages of compliments later, the rehearsal intermission gave them time to rush onto the stage and tackle you to the ground. Physically dog pile on top of you so that you had no choice but to stay put. You couldn't even tell who was talking as everyone spoke at the same time. But soon enough, your manager walked over to get everyone under control once more.

Felix held out his hand for you to take and stand up. "Y/N'ie, you should've been dressing like this the entire time. You've been holding out on everyone," he teased, playing with the hem of your top.

It wasn't an outrageously different outfit to what you're used to, but also it was so brand new. An outfit made of repurposed denim in different shades, stitched together to make a halter-styled cropped top and skirt with denim arm and leg warmers to match. It was comfortable, and not to mention shorts built into the skirt.

"Just cus you said that, I'm gonna wear a track suit for the actual concert and bury this outfit in the basement," you lightly punched his arm.

"If you do, it'd be a crime against humanity. I'll have you arrested, I’ve got connections," Seungmin offhandedly mentioned. He looked indifferent, but the blush tinting his ears was a dead giveaway.

"To who? You don't talk to anyone except us," Jeongin spoke up.

"Your mom."

"Ouch," you and Felix giggle as the two youngest continued to bicker, hanging on each other's arms until it was time to finish the dress rehearsal.

Felix was always a person of comfort for you. Sort of like the baby blanket that you refused to give up because it's the one thing you know will always be there waiting for you to come home. That's not to compare him to a ratty old blanket, but more the sentiment behind it. Even after all of the praise from your members, you still found yourself looking for him to cling on to. Felix lets you, placing a hand over yours as you wrap around his arm like a vine that won't let go.

It wasn't until rehearsals were over and everyone were to change out of their outfits did you leave to let him gather his stuff. The others made jokes and poked fun, as they always did, but never Felix. Sure, he liked to tease, but even the way he did that was sweet and kind.

He could see the way you grimaced when looking at the outfit as you handed it back to the stylists for safe keeping, coming to your side unrushed as not to startle you. Wrapping an arm over your shoulder, Felix went with you to finish up small tasks before it was time to head back to the hotel.

Actually, Felix didn't leave you alone the rest of the day off, as well. He'd went with you back to your hotel room where the both of you took a short nap- you'd gone to the bathroom to find him passed out in the spare bed. Then when you woke up, it was also his idea to check out the restaurant and pool the hotel offered. You both did ask the other members if anyone wanted to join, however they were all off doing their own thing, except Hyunjin asked for you to ask him again in another hour. Something about taking a bath?

As Felix left to change into his swim suit, you silently kicked yourself for remembering to bring one in the first place. Initially, you had attempted to get out the activity by saying you didn't bring one. But then he went into your suitcase, taking everything out just to see it buried at the bottom. This was bound to happen, knowing how (affectionately) invasive all of the members are, you took caution by putting your undergarments in separate bags. Reliving the last fiasco with you in your underwear was something you avoided at all costs, now.

So now you had no choice but to go swimming, despite the sun going down and the temperature dropping.

The two of you grabbed an order of French fries and some drinks for dinner to take poolside. There was no one, thankfully. You don't think you'd be able to take your top off if there was even one other person there to see. Felix acted like this was normal. Because it should be. He's one of your best friends and has nothing but love for you, so why is this so difficult?

You've come to terms with your body and living in your skin. At least, you thought you did.

"One step at a time," the deep bass of a voice said softly over your shoulder. Felix had opened the to-go box of food and was taking a seat at one of the outdoor tables. "Let's just eat, for now."

Hesitant, you sat beside him, picking at the fries while staring at the reflective lights within the hotel. Comfortable silence besides the occasional water splashing against the concrete. "We don't have to go in," Felix offered with a sympathetic smile. "I'm just glad I got you out of your room."

"What do you mean, I always hang out with you guys when we're traveling."

"Yeah, in the hotel!" The crinkles at the corners of his eyes when he smiled was cute. Felix is cute. "I mean going to dinner, sight seeing, doing fun things."

"I have fun! Like," you blanked for a second, grabbing a fry and shoving it in your mouth to buy some time. "Scrolling through the foreign tv channels and trying to figure out what's happening."

"You can't be serious." You shrugged and he rolled his eyes. "Well now we have to go in the pool. There is no way we are leaving when all you've done is try to find the Japanese discovery channel."

Felix stood and immediately stripped off his shirt, tossing it at your face cockily. Spitting the fabric out of your mouth, you were tempted to gag yourself with it again when you saw him shirtless. It's not like you'd never seen any of them without a top before, it's just that you always had to hide it. Felix wiggled his eyebrows at you, "how much do you love me?"

Flustered. You were flustered. "...A lot, I guess? What does that have to do w-"

"I jump, you jump kind of love?"

"What are you talking ab-"

He took off in a sprint towards the pool, quickly spinning to yell back, "You love me, so jump!" And he cannonballed into the deep end. The impact made the water splash over the edge and wet your feet. You stood to peer into the water where you could see his blonde hair bobbing before breaking the surface again for air. His skin glistened and glowed from the warm pool lights, ethereal. "If you don't come in, I'm gonna hold a grudge against you for the rest of our lives."

"Is that a threat?"

Felix nodded, "a very serious one that I'll make the rest of the guys get in on and annoy you for all of eternity."

They already annoy you, but like Felix said, I jump, you jump applies to all of you.

You looked around the area, not another soul in sight. Felix flicked some water at you, taunting. The smug look on his face, you wanted to slap it off of him, or kiss. Probably both.

Either way, you raised an eyebrow in challenge and slid off your shorts and shirt at record speed, barreling towards the pool to follow him with a leap. The water was cold, but refreshing. It wasn't hard to open your eyes beneath it to see Felix also dipping his head below, smiling widely at you. His hands reached out to guide you both back to the surface, inhaling deeply while he laughed gleefully.

Suddenly, you were being lifted in a warm pair of arms and smothered into his body. The two of you were in fits of giggles at both of your lacks in impulse control. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders while he held you closer.

The laughter slowly died down, but Felix didn't let you go. Though, his hands did slide a little lower. Barely grazing down your back, over your bathing suit bottoms and hooking beneath your thighs to urge you to wrap them around him. His plush lips were the pinkest you'd ever seen them, matching prettily with the blush on his cheeks.

You were almost weightless in the water, taking away the small fear factor that you'd be too heavy for him to carry like this, although it didn't go away entirely. You couldn't resist looking down at yourself, specifically in the stupidly small bikini that was the only one you brought. It was like your entire thought process was being narrated to him, Felix let go of one leg to tip your chin up to face him again. You met his eyes with a hint of embarrassment, but mostly bemused by the way he was looking at you.

There was lingering moment where you caught him staring at your lips, as well. The same hand beneath your chin trailed to cup your cheek, thumb brushing over the corner of your mouth.

"I thought we were supposed to be swimming," you whispered out of nervousness.

“Were we?” He didn’t give you time to respond, leaning in to brush his lips against yours. There was a small moment before they fully connected where you could’ve backed out, you could’ve pulled away and acted like nothing happened.

Instead, you pushed into him to fully melt against his lips. Felix tangled his hand in your hair to make sure there was less than oxygen between your bodies, water sloshing around as he reciprocated the heat behind the kiss. He molded against you like a perfect puzzle piece, following your lead in tracing his lower lip with your tongue. Hands grabbed at your thigh, your ass, the one in your hair trailing behind to wrap around your shoulder. His eagerness made you just as needy, just as desperate that you followed in threading your fingers through his blonde locks and raking your nails from there, down his neck and back. Felix’s body shivered at the feeling.

You could tell he was holding back when he groaned softly against you and his hold on your lower half tightened enough that you should be concerned there’d be bruises.

The other thing you should be concerned about was the water beginning to rise. Or, you were sinking? He still kept a firm grasp on you, and the water beginning to creep up your back didn’t seem to concern him, nor when it finally reached your neck and suddenly you were holding your breath and submerged all over again.

Only when the both of you were beneath the surface did he pull away to look at you. Felix smiled, cheeky and warm, he kissed you again, slower this time. A little more passionate and past the initial frenzy.

But air was an unfortunate necessity, and he lifted the both of you up again. His lips moved to the side of your cheek, placing supple pecks as you regained your breaths. You couldn’t suppress the small bits of laughter as your body relaxed and mind catches up with what had just happened.

Reluctant, Felix pulled away to brush the hair from your forehead. “Were we supposed to be swimming or something?”

“You were supposed to call me in a hour!”

The third voice broke your small bubble of bliss to see Hyunjin standing at the edge of the pool. He was only in a bathrobe and slippers, pajama pants peaking out from underneath while his hair fell into his face out of the ponytail.

You couldn’t even be bothered to let go of Felix, who in result of his shock actually held you closer.

“And why did he get to kiss you first?! That’s not fair.” Hyunjin started to untie his bathrobe, tossing it onto the table where the rest of your stuff was.

“What is happening right now?” You softly mutter as the only dry person present also pulled off his pajama pants to leave him in just his boxers. Entirely stunned and far too flustered to understand why he was stripping, you reached out to stop him, “Hyun, you just took a bath.”

“If getting in the pool is what I have to do, I’ll take a million showers. After I kiss you,” as he broke into a run towards the edge of the pool.

☆ﾟ

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dawnsrose · 3 years

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BASIC QUESTIONS

first name? aurora

surname? capulet

middle names? josephine antoinette

nicknames? briar rose / rose ... i guess heh

date of birth? february 26th

age? twenty - five

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

height? 5′6ft / 1.70m

weight? 121lbs / 55kg

build? slim

hair colour? very light blonde, golden - like

hair style? straight and lightly curled at the end, with bangs

eye colour? violet, kind of a purple-ish blue

eye shape? almond

glasses or contact lenses? neither

distinguishing facial features? the color of her eyes, but also her lips are naturally a really pretty pinkish color

which facial feature is most prominent? i don’t think there is one ? her face is very well balanced, although i guess her eyes are the most attention - catching part

which bodily feature is most prominent? her waist, it is quite small!

other distinguishing features? nope

skin? fair , and her skin do be clear af we love to see it

hands? small and dainty

make up? she doesn’t really wear makeup, but she thinks its fascinating! her favorite items are mascara and lipstick

scars? none

birthmarks? none

tattoos? none

physical handicaps? none

type of clothes? dresses , though she would love to incorporate some pants into her wardrobe . usually wears neutral / earthy tones , unless it’s a special occasion , in which she’ll wear either pink or blue . loves a nice skirt . think cottagecore outfits !

how do they wear their clothes? again , light and cottagecore outfits . think of outfits like these: 1 2 3 4 5

what are their feet like? (type of shoes, state of shoes, socks, feet, pristine, dirty, worn, etc) aurora takes really good care of her feet , so they’re pristine ! she really hates wearing shoes , but wears them when she’s in public so as not to seem weird . she really enjoys the feeling of her feet touching the grass though , as it reminds her of home

race / ethnicity? caucasian

mannerisms? classy , delicate and polite . very ballerina like , except her gestures aren’t as grandiose . i would say a good example of her demeanor is audrey hepburn , or the movements in old / classic barbie movies like nutcracker or swan lake .

are they in good health? for the most part ! she has a bit of anxiety when surrounded by many people , but it’s getting better .

do they have any disabilities? none

PERSONALITY

what words or phrases do they overuse? little expressions of surprise like “ goodness! ” or “oh!”

do they have a catchphrase? none

are they more optimistic or pessimistic? optimistic for sure

are they introverted or extroverted? ambiverted leaning towards introverted

do they ever put on airs? not at all !

what bad habits do they have? sleeping in heheh she may be an early bird , but aurora really enjoys sleeping in and napping

what makes them laugh out loud? philip being a clown. honestly it’s not hard to make aurora laugh, especially over silly things

how do they display affection? gentle touches, words of affirmation, poetry, tender gazes

mental handicaps? none

how do they want to be seen by others? as someone who cares about them and that can be trusted

how do they see themselves? as someone who still has a lot to live and learn and give, but who appreciates every little thing around her. she sees herself as a good person who is just trying her best

how are they seen by others? i think people see her as someone kind and full of life. something like the embodiment of hope. maleficent probably sees her as a nuisance though

strongest character trait? i’d say it’s a tie between how much she believes in goodness and kindness, and how perserverant she is

weakest character trait? she dispairs quite easily, but always ends up collecting herself

how competitive are they? not very ! it’s about the experience , not the result

do they make snap judgements or take time to consider? it depends on the situation, i think. but more often than not, aurora is capable of thinking things through before reacting --- except for when it comes to her feelings.

how do they react to praise? lots of blushing and dismissal , though she appreciates it always

how do they react to criticism? lots of self doubting and crying at first, but she’s thankful and appreciative of it all, because she assumes it means the other cares about her improvement and well being

what is their greatest fear? being alone

what are their biggest secrets? that she doesn’t hate maleficent , and wants to meet and talk to her

what is their philosophy of life? treat others as you wish to be treated and have faith in love

when was the last time they cried? when she first saw philip in elias

what haunts them? fear of never meeting her parents

what are their political views? she knows nothing about politcs, just wants everyone to be treated with respect and equally

what will they stand up for? prejudice , unnecessary rudeness , racism , homophobia , mysogyny , literally anything that puts someone in an uncomfortable spot .

who do they quote? probably her aunts heh

are they indoorsy or outdoorsy? outdoorsy !

what is their sinful little habit? she’s very secretive and sneaky about her thoughts , and likes finding little loopholes in things

what sense do they most rely on? touch and hearing

how do they treat people better than them? with respect , would like to learn from them as well

how do they treat people worse than them? also with respect , tries to find common ground and understand why they are that way

what quality do they most value in a friend? kindness and support

what do they consider an overrated virtue? detachment

if they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be? how dependent of others she feels . it’s not her fault of course, but she wishes she had more control of her life .

what is their obsession? the feeling of being loved

what are their pet peeves? loud sounds / people arguing over silly things

what are their idiosyncrasies? she tends to panic and overthink things at times, which can be bad

FRIENDS & FAMILY

is their family big or small? who does it consist of? i’d say it’s decent sized / kind of big , considering she still considers the good fairies family . plus , philip’s also become part of her family , and his family is huge .

what is their perception of family? any and everyone who is there for you when you need them most and cares for you as you care about them

do they have siblings? older or younger? none .

describe their best friend. i don’t think she has one ? give her a best friend :( philip can’t be both okay that’s too much.

ideal best friend? just someone she can be a silly romantic with, who’ll watch movies and read books and sing or dance with her, maybe go on walks / play with animals too !

describe their other friends. most of aurora’s friends are really sweet , nice people . she’s also protective of many of them , like dani for example . there’s others she actually looks up to , like penelope for example or emily . she thinks they’re both absurdly glamorous and beautiful .

describe their acquaintances.

do they have any pets? not really, but aurora loves animals and gets along with them so well so ... who knows heheh she had lots of animal companions back home though

who are their natural allies? the charmont family

who are their surprising allies? not too sure but thackery binx and i think hercules zevrous would be an ally to her as well!

PAST & FUTURE

what was your character like as a baby? as a child? not too different from how they are now. aurora was a very lively, happy child! she was also absurdly kind and was full of life, while being naturally graceful and poised. i don’t think she was one to cry a lot either, and was most grateful for everything the good fairies did for her.

did they grow up rich or poor? while she wasn’t poor, aurora had a fairly modest upbringing, since she did live in a cottage in the glen back home, but nothing lacked for her in terms of essentials and etc.

did they grow up nurtured or neglected? nurtured by the good fairies! aurora grew up knowing nothing but love.

what is the most offensive thing they ever said? i legit don’t think aurora has ever offended anyone like that? if she doesn’t have anything good to say she’d rather not say anything at all, and nothing has annoyed to the point of doing so. at least not thus far.

what is their greatest achievement? i think still being alive lmao

what was their first kiss like? oh i don’t know yet 👀

what is the worst thing they did to someone they loved? i legit can’t think of anything other than her argument with the fairies about philip, but she came around soon enough.

what are their ambitions? to be reunited with her family, to have a big wedding with philip, to understand maleficent’s ideals, to become more independent.

what advice would they give their younger self? to just believe in herself, and that everything will fall into place.

what smells remind them of their childhood? fresh flowers and grass.

what was their childhood ambition? to find love.

what is their best childhood memory?

what is their worst childhood memory?

did they have an imaginary childhood friend? nope! she had a fair amount of animal companions, so there was never any need for imaginary ones.

when was the last time they were crushed with disappointment? that brief moment when meeting philip in elias where she thought she would have to ignore him for the rest of her life due to being engaged to someone.

what past act are they most ashamed of? arguing with her aunts over love and being so sad/crying so much about it. still, she doesn’t think she could have behaved any other way.

what past act are they most proud of? i think she’s extremely proud of how she’s been living in elias so far, not relying on others for help and taking good care of herself.

has anyone ever saved their life? i think in a way, everyone who’s been involved in keeping her away from maleficent has saved her life.

strongest childhood memory?

LOVE

do they believe in love at first sight? OH HELL YEAH

are they in a relationship? yes ! happily married :`)

how do they behave in a relationship? not much different from how she normally does, but she definitely blushes and sighs a lot more every time she thinks of philip. also loves to talk about him, please ask her about her man.

when did you character last have sex? ... never 👀

what sort of sex do they have? none lmao

has your character ever been in love? OH YEAH

have they ever had their heart broken? yes, but it wasn’t his fault.

CONFLICT

how do they respond to a threat? by keeping composure and trying to reason with the person.

are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? tongue !

what is your character’s kryptonite? her loved ones, children and animals.

if your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? a letter from her aunts, which they gave her before she came to elias.

how do they perceive strangers? as something she has to be on the lookout for despite nothing they’re not always dangerous.

what do they love to hate? cold weather.

what are their phobias? being alone in a large crowd/surrounded by unfamiliar people, losing her loved ones, being in a completely unfamiliar situation.

what is their choice of weapon? words, but i think aurora would secretly love to learn how to use a sword. Let Her Fight.

what living person do they most despise? i guess the easy answer would be maleficent, but aurora really holds no hatred towards her. if anything, she sympathizes.

have they ever been bullied or teased? no.

where do they go when they’re angry? wherever there’s lots of flowers and warmth. or to philip.

who are their enemies and why? maleficent, and that’s because of her father’s clownery !

WORK, EDUCATION & HOBBIES

what is their current job? n/a.

what do they think about their current job? n/a.

what are some of their past jobs? n/a.

what are their hobbies? dancing (she’s been learning ballet in elias! ), singing, gardening / caring for her flowers, reading.

educational background? homeschooled by the good fairies, i’d say she has a good grasp on history, mathematics and a few languages, plus other things she’s learned on her own.

intelligence level? slightly above average.

do they have any specialist training? no.

do they have a natural talent for something? singing ! she’s very gifted when it comes to music and dancing, but singing is definitely where her talent lies.

do they play a sport? are they any good? nope, and no, but she could be !

what is their socioeconomic status? despite still leaving a fairly common life in elias, aurora is a princess, so she is extremely wealthy. her family is in charge of her expenses in elias, yet she doesn’t spend a lot.

FAVORITES

what is their favorite animal? she loves all fauna, but bunnies and birds hold a special place in her arms.

which animal do they dislike the most? crows. for some reason they give her a bad vibe, though she likes birds. snakes and dragons also make her shiver.

what place would they most like to visit? honesty ... her home lmao.

what is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? sunrise ! aurora loves waking up in the morning and watching the sky’s pretty colors. she also adores sunset.

what is their favorite song? love dance by sergei perkofiev, fee des lilas by tchaikovsky, quelqu'un m'a dit by carla bruni, moon river by audrey hepburn.

music, art, reading preferred? all sorts of music but espeically clasical and old love songs. she loves classic literature, but also mystery and romance novels, and her favorite art movements would be romanticism and renaissance.

what is their favorite color? pink , but don’t tell merryweather !

what is their password? briarrose59

favorite food: i feel like aurora would absolutely love pasta if she tried it.

what is their favorite work of art? springtime by pierre-auguste cot

who is their favorite artist? jean-honoré fragonard

what is their favorite day of the week? wednesday

POSSESSIONS

what is in their fridge? a number of juices, some fruits like watermelon and strawberries, milk, ice cream.

what is on their bedside table? a lamp, lavander oil, a difuser , perfume bottle and a novel

what is in their car? doesn’t have one !

what is in their bin? paper bags, crumbled up paper balls, a couple of candy wrappers

what is in their purse or wallet? a credit card, some dollar bills and she always has a coinpurse around, just in case.

what is in their pockets? i think some seeds for birds to eat.

what is their most treasured possession? a gold necklace with a heart pendant, the letter the good fairies gave her.

SPIRITUALITY

who or what is your character’s guardian angel? OK LETS GO. i would say the good fairies or thackery are her guardian angels, but if i had to name an actual angel, i think it would be chamuel.

do they believe in the afterlife? yes, she believes everyone that leaves is going somewhere else.

what are their religious views? she doesn’t really follow any religion in particular, but believes a lot in karma and in the whole “do no harm but take no s***”, “treat others as you want to be treated” way of life. she does, however, believe in a higher power.

what do they think heaven is? a place where there’s no sadness, no pain, no evil. somewhere where there’s nothing but love and joy and people are able to live in eternal bliss.

what do they think hell is? a place where people who hurt others and lived a selfish life learn from / are punished for their mistakes and hopefully become better. maybe one day they’ll reach heaven.

are they superstitious? a little , but not to the point where it clouds her judgement .

what would they like to be reincarnated as? a bird or a beautiful flower .

how would they like to die? peacefully , before philip , hopefully in her sleep and surrounded by her loved ones

what is your character’s spirit animal? a swan or dove

what is their zodiac sign? pisces

VALUES

what do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? i think lying/keeping someone in the dark all their life as was done to aurora is something she would never want anyone to go through. that and betrayal.

what is their view of ‘freedom’? to be able to follow your dreams without fear or worries, to live the life you want.

when did they last lie? she doesn’t lie !

what’s their view of lying? incredibly wrong and hurtful. please don’t lie to her.

when did they last make a promise? not sure.

did they keep or break their last promise? she always keeps her promises.

DAILY LIFE

what are their eating habits? she’s very healthy, eats all her greens and fruits and veggies, but will allow herself to indulge in sweets every other week. aurora grew up healthy, but there’s a lot of delicious food in elias and out in the world, and she would like to try it all !

do they have any allergies? she’s allergic to a few metals, which results in all of her jewelry being real gold.

describe their home. i suck at words so here’s a few pictures that i think fit the vibe of her home ! bedroom / bathroom / random wall / kitchen / corner of living room

are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder? minimalist !

what do they do first thing on a weekday morning? shower !

what do they do on a Sunday afternoon? she usually goes for strolls around town, the library or mama odie’s for a nice snack !

what do they do on a Friday night? relaxing bubble bath and netflix, no joke

what is the soft drink of choice? none

what is their alcoholic drink of choice? she doesn’t usually drink alcohol, but isn’t opposed to a bit of wine

MISCELLANEOUS

what or who would your character dress up as for halloween? i can definitely see aurora dressing up as titania or a fairy of sorts.

are they comfortable with technology? it was a bit difficult at first, but now she’s much better at it ! still messes up quite a bit though.

if they could save one person, who would it be? i think philip, since the fairies probably wouldn’t need her help.

if they could call one person for help, who would it be? in elias, probably thackery and if not him, philip. however, if she’s panicking, philip will probably come first.

what is their greatest extravagance? she has a

what is their greatest regret? doubting her family’s concern for her even if for just a split second, as well as arguing with the fairies.

what is their perception of redemption? she thinks everyone deserves a chance at it.

what would they do if they won the lottery? charity. everything goes to charity.

what is their favourite fairytale? steadfast tin soldier.

what fairytale do they hate? the little match girl, for it just makes her cry a lot.

do they believe in happy endings? absolutely !

what is their idea of perfect happiness? to be surrounded by people who love you just as much as you love them.

what would they ask a fortune teller? if her family and kingdom will be alright , and if maleficent will change for the better.

if your character could travel through time, where would they go? i think the day of her baptism, just to see what really transpired.

what sport do they excel at? i feel like she could be very good at tennis, equestrianism and fencing !

what sport do they suck at? i can’t see her being good at anything that overly relies on strength, as aurora is too graceful and delicate. she legit doesn’t wanna do anything that’s too brutal or something.

if they could have a superpower, what would they choose? to fly or to properly speak to animals. maybe shapeshifting / changing her appearance so as to hide with easy could be helpful.

#watask #bOI THIS TOOK SOME TIME but its here :`)

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themadauthorshatter · 3 years

Text

PG-13 NINJAGO REWRITE/UNIVERSE ALTERATIONS!

This is basically if the show was meant for a more teenaged and mature audience. I don't know how long this will be, but I'll just start with the characters first, because I can

Because he's my favorite, and I love him, Zane's first: Instead of being a robot, how about something more tragic? DECADES remotely close to the series beginning, Zane was in a very nice family. An adopted, blended family, but a nice family nonetheless. So, what happened? A storm? A fire? A natural disaster? Worse. A war. A raid made by the opposing side, more specifically. Zane protected his siblings and villagers from attackers, but was grabbed and lined up for execution. When they grabbed and injured an elderly man, Zane attacked the officer and punched him. A lot. Another officer muzzle bumped him off and beat him to death in front of his family. The ally side arrive and save everyone. Too bad they're too late to save Zane. All, but one. A scientist who's been reformed and is skilled in mechanics and artificial organs; synthetics. He's also lost his own son. He deserts into the woods with Zane and gets to work, replacing Zane's skin with a stretchy material close to what you find in the legs of old barbie dolls, where the legs and heads were soft, his hair with- well, wig hair, his bones and joints with metal and clock work, his normal eyes with porcelain doll eyes, and his heart with a core that keeps him running and alive. Think Tony Stark's arc reactor, but if it's removed, Zane has 15 minutes to put it back or else he'll die and stay dead. It took FOREVER, but Zane eventually awoke up. The doctor, fuck it, was so relieved and helped Zane sit up and get used to being alive again-and half metal, but let's focus on his motor skills first. He lived with this doctor for a VERY, VERY long time. For context, if we were to set this in 2021, Zane would have died in around 1923 and been brought back in 1944 and saw the doctor that worked on him die in 2010. He's OLD. Back on track, Zane learned all he does, reading, talking, cooking, and whatnot, until the master of ice pays a visit and spends the day with Zane, asking him who he is, how old he is, and how long he's been with the doctor. After his visit, and Wu's, the doctor starts to see Zane slowly realize what's happened to him, but also question where his family is. Turns out the war wasn't easily won because the doctor shows Zane a family in a graveyard, near where they live. HIS FAMILY. And his name is there too. After this, Zane is traumatized, refusing to eat, drink, sleep, and talk, even ignoring his companion in the form of the Falcon. When the doctor sees Zane shaking sporadically, and sees him drooling a lot, he realizes the toll this is all taking on his son, who breaks down emotionally and mentally in his arms.

"F-father?"

"Yes? What is it, Zane?"

"I'm supposed to be dead, right? The tombstone in the graveyard, I should be under it, right?"

Cue silence from the doctor.

"Do you love me?"

"More than life itself."

"And... you would do anything for me?"

"Anything. Why?"

"I want to die. I want you to destroy me!"

The doctor gasps and hugs Zane close.

"I can't! You're my son, Zane! I can't lose you!"

"Am I your son, or your prized possession built from scrap parts and a corpse?"

"Zane-"

"I had a sister!" Zane snaps. "A mother! A father! And three brothers and a cousin and an uncle! I died protecting them and here I am while they rest beneath the ground!"

"You're my son, Zane!" The doctor holds Zane's shoulders to steady him. "You're my son, and I do love you. You're all that I have now, son."

Zane, broken and miserable, apologizes to his father as he drives a screwdriver into his own head, forcing his father to catch him as he falls down.

When Zane comes to, he's resting in his bed and feels worse than ever, as in he's sad and guilty for going off on his father the way he did.

The doctor apologizes for not telling him sooner, admitting that Zane's recovery took so long that resurrecting his whole family would be impossible, even if he'd taught Zane how to do it, no one in his family had the same blood type and some were even allergic to the medicine used to keep Zane's body fresh.

When Zane feels a poke in his head and notices his foot twitches at random, he gets curious. "What are you working on now?"

"You've been having seizures recently. I want to make sure the small cables and wires in your brain are all set correctly, so I know none of them are causing it."

"I see."

"Can you say your name?"

"Zane."

"Can you spell it?"

Cue some focused humming as Zane struggles a little bit. "Z... A...I-"

"Wrong. Try again."

"Z... A..." Long pause. "N... E."

"Good."

"Can... Can you change things from your position? Effect my movements and mind?"

"I can try."

"Can you make me forget?"

The doctor tells Zane it would be better if he remembered his family, but Zane weeps as he admits he'll tey to destroy himself again, if he remembers his family; it's not just grief, it's also a huge amount of guilt over the fact that he's alive while his family is dead.

The doctor agrees and hides his memories of his family.

He also rigs the same wiring to his heart rate monitor; when he dies, Zane will leave and forget him, and the fact that he is supposed to be dead. He'll forget just about everything, except for his name, how to read, breathe, eat, and take care of himself.

AND THAT HAPPENS.

Zane wanders through the woods, mute and silent until some villagers take him in and give him shelter. It takes a village to raise a child, so the village pitches in. Some children try getting him to play with them, but he only stands and stares, even when a little girl tells him she thinks he's cute.

Wu finds him again, and takes him to the monastery, where Jay and Cole are.

They do not like Zane. He stands, he stares, and he barely pays attention to what they have to say, though he does stare at Wu a lot.

They also think he's creepy because, well... remember that one stance Arthur does in the movie Joker, where he stands holding himself between the door frames and looks really creepy? Zane does that. A lot. In the morning when they wake him up and at night when they're about to go to sleep.

They sort of got what was wrong when he had a seizure while cooking; Cole was talking and explaining why he and Jay were keeping their diatance from him, and then heard Zane fall and the pot OF BOILING SOUP tumble on top of him. He shouted for Wu amd Jay and held Zane until the seizure stopped and Zane just stared at him tiredly and almost like he was about to cry.

"Are you... okay, Zane?"

"... Co... Cole?"

"Yeah? What is it?"

"... I'm sorry. Dinner is... going to have to wait." Zane tries to stand, but Jay holds his shoulder.

"Dude, are you sure? We can just order takeout for the night, if you're not up for cooking."

"I'm... I'm fine... J... J..."

Jay holds Zane in front of him by the shoulders. "I'm Jay. Remember?" Zane repeats Jay's name and Jay and Cole help him to sit down at the table.

"Perhaps you should rest for the evening and allow one of your brothers to prepare dinner tonight?" Wu highly recommends as he holds a hand on Zane's shoulder, in case he has another seizure.

Zane reluctantly agrees and Jay and Cole order a pizza; Zane offered to pay, but they told him to sit the hell down.

Upon meetung Kai, Zane is back at square one, except he has Cole and Jay to keep him in check and to help Kai gor when he gets weirded out.

They all get scared when they hear and see Zane banging his head against the wall, like bending his back and head back and curling into the wall as hard as he can and when he had a really bad seizure while sleeping, but don't bring it up because he stares off into space and stops cooking.

YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW THEY REACTED WHEN THEY ALL GOIND OIT ZANE HAS BEEN DEAD ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!!

Personality wise, Zane is still smart, funny on accident, and very brave with a sixth sense, he's just the most "ninja" out of all the ninja because he's surprisingly light on his feet and quiet as a shadow. When he meets someone new, he doesn't talk. At all. It's a trust thing, so he'll whisper to anyone he does trust to talk back to the new person.

Still the ice ninja, but Kai made the mistake of interrupting a staring contest between Zane and his mirror reflection by tapping on his shoulder.

Zane spun around to face him with terrifying speed, but Kai backed up and held his hands up.

"Sorry, Zane. I just... You're... really cold."

Zane checked his outfit, which was long sleeved.

"I don't know, maybe... take a bath to warm up? Eat a little more? Get sime sunshine?"

Their one sided conversation ended with Zane staring at him before patting Kai on the head, and trying to make his spiky ass hair stay down, and returning to the mirror.

I should note:

ZANE AND MIRRORS DO NOT MIX.

He hates them. They freak him out. It has nothing to do with memories, he just gets scares that there's another him in another bathroom in another monastery in another Ninjago in another world, where it's all the same, but backwards. Sort of doesn't get that all reflective surfaces like ceramic plates, cutlery, and anyhting else of the sort are just reflecting light.

He doesn't get movies or video games, either. The other three tried teaching him, but he quickly became the player they had to look out for, because he'd get lost exploring the game's map rather than actually playing, which he found boring. Usually he'll just sit back and watch them play, ever the passive observer.

His seizures are due to immense stress and his memories trying to come back, but the little feat of tinkering his father did keeps fighting back, so whenever he's cooking and reminded of the doctor that saves him, he has a seizure.

He can take a lot of damage, but he's not good with getting electrocuted; if he's hit, he's down and useless for fifteen minutes, at least. Remember that cinstricti that almost killed him and Cole? Zane was more annoyed at the snake and concerned for Cole's safety rather than his. AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T FEEL ZANE'S RIBS. AT ALL.

The area around the core that keeps Zane alive is made if a similar material as those squishy slime balls that you sqeeze and the slime spews out of the little holes in the net, but a little more durable. Now that I think about it, it's made of a sort of ooblek substance, but it's a different matieral than cornstarche added. I don't know what, but it's made to keep the core, and Zane, from getting hurt.

Zane actually hides from Nya during her first few months of joining the team. Again, nothing to do with memory, he just got freaked out because she got kidnapped by the skeleton army. She keeps her distance, too, giving him glances and smiles while he stares at her, and Jay even switched seats with Nya to try and help Zane warm up to her, as in he'd sit next to her. He did so and got Nya to talk about something that had been eating her up inside, leading to her hugging him and crying in his shoulder. Kai and Jay were extremely close to yelling at him until Nya pulled away and thanked Zane, because she needed to cry.

When they go off on him for what happened to the monastery, Zane has a mini seizure until he sees the falcon and leaves just as the seizure starts.

Cole and Jay know what to do with these seizures, but when Kai first saw Zane having one, he held Zane and shouted for help until Zane put a hand over Kai's mouth and rubbed his eyes with the other; "I hate when that happens."

For any TLDR people: Zane's basically a reanimated corpse running on robot energy who doesn't remember his past because he asked to not remember. He can talk, he just doesn't much because it's a trust thing. Cooking is his therapeutic thing, he sleeps fine, but he has a hard time going to sleep. Still has his sixth sense and ice powers, he's just more mute and out of tune with the others; guy killed in 1923 is in 2021. Great asset to the team, even though he's the guy they keep an eye on so he doesn't get to badly hurt.

I'll write more about the other ninja, this is just to show how mature this universe alteration is going to be

Oh, yeah, here's Cole's alterations. I didn't change too much of his character, but I hope you guys still like it😅

#ninjago #ninjago rewrite #universe alteration #war tw #character death tw #self annihilation tw #voluntary amnesia tw #seizure tw #angst and distress tw #ninjago zane

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lovemychoices · 5 years

Text

Always Be My Driver - A RoD Rom-Com [Colt x MC/Logan x MC]. CH 3

Book : RIDE OR DIE

PAIRING : Colt x MC/ Logan x MC

SUMMARY: Emma and Colt have been childhood best friends since forever, they were both inseparable. In middle school they became something more but when Colt had to move with his mom away from LA all the way to Miami, things started to change between them. A small misunderstanding leads to the end of their relationship. Years later they meet again at the most unlikely place. Will Emma and Colt be able to mend what has been broken between them? Or will it continue to crash and burn?

Characters except my OCs belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them

Word count : 3500 ish..

Chapter Summary: Now that Colt is back and spending the whole summer at the shop, will things get better between him and Emma?

A/N : So this chapter was sort of inspired by an episode of FRIENDS. If you’re a big fan of the comedy series than you know why. 😬 Also this is a dialogue heavy chapter. Plus I hope you can look past my grammatical errors, which must be a lot cause I haven’t done much polishing.

Warning/Triggers : Pretty safe PG-13 stuff... for now.. *Evil laughs here* But just to be safe make sure you’re 18 and above before you read this series.

Catch up with the series HERE

Dear Diary,

This past year has been awesome. I met the most amazing guy, who I am so in love with and best part is he loves me back. Made a few awesome new friends along the way, got in to the perfect school, kept up good grades, won a lot of races.. you get the whole idea.

But see here’s the thing, just when you think things are perfect, life somehow manages to find a way and kick you in the gut. Yes I’m talking about a recent visit of a certain someone from my past. Colt Kaneko. As if meeting your ex boyfriend who you haven’t seen in like forever wasn’t weird enough. Now we have to live under the same roof for the entire summer.

That’s not even the worst part, the worst part is he acts like I don’t exist. The only time he talks to me is when he has something snarky to say other than that he completely ignores me. I mean it’s not like I care. This first time I noticed this was when Colt came walking into the garage asking for a sharpie. I offered to borrow him mine, I tried to be the mature one by offering him an olive branch and you know what he did?! He gave me the look and said he’d just buy a new one from the store. I literally had on right there in front of him and he just.. He is acting like I was the bad guy and was responsible for us breaking up.

Logan doesn’t know about our history at least the part where we dated. He already can’t stand Colt, why should I stir the pot hot on something that happened when we were kids. It’s not like I’m still in love with Colt Kaneko.

I’m not in love with Colt Kaneko.

[[MORE]]

A few days later..

Okay Emma this is your chance, just walk up to him and ask him what’s his problem. You’ve tried to be nice but if he is gonna be a jerk about it..

“Colt.”

He turns around then raises an eyebrow at her.

Why are you being such an asshole to me?

“The customer with the broken tail light wants to know if his car is already fixed?”

“I’ll be out to see him in a minute.” He answers flatly.

“Ok, cool I’ll let him know.” Well that worked out great.

****

A week later..

Colt slumps on the couch in the backroom reading the latest edition of top gear while Mona sat across him busy texting on her phone when Toby enters. “Hey Colt, Mona. Ximena and I are heading out for lunch. Wanna come?”

“I just ate so I’m gonna sit this one out.” Mona replies and shift her focus back to her phone.

“Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do here anyway.” Colt responds then tosses the Megazine on the table.

“Anyone saw Logan and Emma?”

Logan and Emma walks in with their face flush and hands entwined, Emma giggles at something that Logan whispers in her ear. Colt rolled his eyes at the sight and pretends to scroll on his phone, anything to avoid looking at the two.

“Oh. Hey didn’t notice you guys were here.”

“Great timing we were just looking for both of you. Where have the two of you been?” Ximena asks raising an eyebrow at them while folding her arms.

Emma and Logan gave each other coy smiles. “We were at the loft.. getting some workout done. Gotta stay healthy these days you know.”

“Right…” Ximena answer in a skeptical voice. “So we’re about to go out for lunch. You two want to join us?”

“Oh that sounds awesome. What do you say babe?” She turns and beams at Logan.

“Yeah sure I could use a bite to eat after all that workout.” He replies emphasizing on the word followed by a grin.

Colt gave a sarcastic eye roll again. “I think I just lost my appetite.” He mutters under his breath but it was enough for Mona who’s sitting near him to hear. She raises her eyebrow but doesn’t say anything at least not yet.

“So it’s settled.. Oh I call shotgun!” Toby beams excitedly and heads for the door, the others follow behind. “Colt, aren’t you coming?” Ximena asked.

“Nah.. You guys go ahead. I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do anyway.”

“I thought you said you didn’t have anything better to do a few minutes ago.” Mona pressed.

“Yeah, well I do now.” Colt retorts giving Mona glaring look.

“Alright if you say so..” and left with the others leaving Colt and Mona behind. Colt grabs the TV remote from the coffee table, surfing the channels to avoid having a conversation with Mona.

“So, What’s the deal between your and korean barbie?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb Colt, we both know you’re too smart for that. Now spill the beans or I’ll find out myself one way or the other.” She demanded with her arms crossed.

“Honestly Mona it’s none of your business. And why do you care so much?” He seethes.

Mona snorts a laugh. “I don’t.. But I like knowing things because knowing things gives you leverage. So talk junior.”

“We were friends and now we’re not. End of story, now leave me alone.” He abruptly stood up and starts walking towards the door.

“Colt,wait! I don’t know what went down between you and Emma but that was a long time ago, you were just kids and she’s been trying to reconcile since you got her.” She heaves a sigh. “All I’m saying is you’ve been friends before and I’m sure there were more good times than bad. Emma is a pretty good friend, hell don’t tell her I said this but she’s a great friend. And a friendship with her isn’t worth losing over some silly fight you had as kids.”

Colt gave Mona a thoughtful look. Who knew Mona had a soft side. I hate to admit it but maybe she’s right? He shook his head and without a word walks out, closing the door behind him.

****

A few nights later..

“Emma, oh thank God. Listen what ever happened we can fix this okay. Just talk to me please.” Colt pleaded his voice cracking.

“Colt, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to hear excuses. We’re over for good. I’ve changed my number so don’t bother trying to contact me you won’t get through. Goodbye Colt, I hope you’ll be happy there.”

“Emma, wait!”

“How could you?”

She turns around and sees.. “Logan?”

“How could you lie to me Em, I thought we promised each other no more secrets.”

“Logan, what are you talking about?”

“I think we need a break and probably shouldn’t see each other for awhile.”

“What? Logan no wait!”

Emma wakes up covered in sweat trying to catch her breath. Logan lying next to her with her head on his chest, she could feel his chest gently rise and fall as he breathes.

She heaves a sigh of relief. It was just a bad dream.

The sound of thunder rumbling, echoes through the night sky and catches her attention.

Great as if the nightmares weren’t enough now there’s rain and thunder outside.

She closes her eyes and tries to go back to sleep but between the rumbling noise of the thunder and thinking about the dream of Colt and Logan, it just made her insomnia go into overdrive.

This is so frustrating! I can’t sleep! maybe I need some milk or a late night snack.

She gently moves Logan’s arm, careful not to wake him. She puts on a pair of bunny slippers and slip out of the room, slowly closing the door behind her before heading down stairs.

*****

The whole place was extremely quiet since everyone was asleep, the only sound she could hear was the loud continuous sound of thunder crashing in the background. She opens the door to the back room and sees Colt bending down in front of the microwave.

“Colt?”

Colt jumps at the sound of Emma’s voice with one hand pressed to his chest. “Christ! Emma you almost gave me a heart attack. What are you doing down here at this hour?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” She said and saunters over to the island, taking a seat on the stool. “What are you doing making popcorn at this hour?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Why would anyone make popcorn?” Colt replies in a flat voice. “So what’s got you up at this hour? Prince charming a loud snorer or something?”

“I’ll have you know he sleeps like a baby.”

“So he cries in his sleep a lot?” He grinned.

Emma rolls her eyes at him. “This was a bad idea, I’m going back to bed.” She got off the bar stool and turns toward the door.

“Em, wait.” He stops her before she could leave. Emma turns back to face him. “What now Colt?” Her voice flat when she answers. This better not be another snarky comment about Logan.

Colt nervously rubs the back of his neck. I can’t believe I’m doing this. “Look if you want, you can watch the movie with me and I’ll even share my popcorn. It’s.. melted butter and caramel.”

Damn it, that’s my favorite! Emma crosses her arms giving him a skeptical look. “What’s the catch?”

“Why’d you think there’s a catch?”

“Uh… I don’t know maybe cause you’ve been sort of a jerk and Ignoring me since you’ve got here?”

“I wasn’t being a jerk. I was just… Look do you want to watch the movie or not? Decide before I change my mind.”

Well I can’t sleep so might as well, nothing wrong with watching a movie right? “Ok fine. Only because melted butter and caramel is my favorite.” She replies and saunters over to take a seat on the couch.

Colt joins her a few seconds later handing her the bowl of popcorn.“So what are we watching?” She asked while nibbling on a piece of popcorn in her hand.

”The Conjuring.” He murmured while looking through the options on the screen.

“The what?!” She belted sitting up right from her slouched position. “There’s a real scary thunderstorm out there and you want to add to the terror by watching a horror movie?”

“It adds a cool effect to the experience Em.” He emphasized then gave her a questioning look. “You’re not still afraid of some silly storm after all these years?”

Emma throws her body back on the couch, her eyes focused on the popcorn that she keeps stuffing in her mouth.

Colt snorts a laugh. “Really Em? I thought you’d outgrow this silly fear by now.”

“I’m not afraid anymore but that doesn’t mean I like it either. Not everyone can be as cool as you Colt.” She said and gave a sarcastic eye roll.

“There first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.” He grinned.

“Can we just get this over with already? But I'm warning you if some scary shit goes down I’m jumping right at you.”

Colt shrugged. “Fine, whatever.”

The movie played on for about thirty minutes and the two watched it in silence sitting Five inches apart from each other. There were a few awkward moments in between like their hands accidentally touching while trying to grab some popcorn, both quickly shy away as they did..

As the movie progressed and got scarier Emma started to move closer to Colt closing the gap from three to two inches, her hands nervously fidgets with a lock of her hair. Colt noticed this from the corner of his eye and grinned. Damn it, she's still cute when she gets flustered. He subtly shift his body closer to her and clears his throat. “So um, how long have you been with Logan?” He bit his tongue and cringed as soon as he heard the words come out from his mouth.

“A little over a year now.” She answered. “It was at Billy’s party during senior year.”

“Billy? As in big bully Billy? Shouldn’t he have graduated by then?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“The very same, he got held back for failing a few classes. Anyway Logan was there to deliver a car to Brent. Long story short that’s how we met.” She explained and stuff a few more popcorn in her mouth.

“Hey remember that one time you kicked Billy in the nuts?” Colt recalled grinning.

Emma chuckled. “How could I forget, he was going to punch you for calling him a wuss and I guess.. My self defense instinct just kicked in.”

Colt gave a half shrug. “I could have taken him you know..”

The two shared a look before eventually bursting into laughter at the memory of that day. And there it was the sound Colt didn’t realize he missed so much until that moment. It was the sound of her laughter.

Their laughter slowly fades and there was a minute of silence before Emma decides to broach the question back. “So uh.. What about you? Do you have someone special waiting for you back in college?”

Colt gives half shrug.“I don’t really do relationships. I mean I’ve dated a bunch but nothing serious.”

“Oh. Yeah sure I completely understand.” Change the subject Emma you just made progress don’t blow it.

The two continued to chatting and laughing at stories basically ignoring the whole movie. “I really miss this you know... just talking to you.” She confeses giving him a sincere smile. “I miss talking to you too.”

A piece of popcorn got caught on Emma’s long rose gold hair and Colt reaches his hand out to take it. “You um. You have some popcorn stuck on your hair.” He said, his fingers brushed against her cheeks and there was this intense gaze between them for a moment, Emma could feel her cheeks start to blush. Shit Em look away before you do something stupid. Emma tilts her head down, averting her eyes from Colt. “We um—. Should get back to watching the movie.”

Colt blinks and shakes his head. “Yeah totally.” He agreed but there was a slight disappointment to his tone. He leans back on the couch, looking at the TV then back at Emma.

“Hey, so there’s The Conjuring 2 if you want to watch it after this?”

It was well after 2am, the rain was still heavy outside and she found the first movie one scary as shit but somehow Emma didn’t want their time together to end so soon.

“I’d like that.”

The two continued to chat as they watched the movie, both making snarky comments when a character in the movie was being stupid, sometimes debating about what the whole thing was about.

“What’s with the Nun, is it a ghost or something?” Emma asked curiously.

“It’s not really a ghost, it’s a demon. They actually already did the origin story about it.”

There was a sudden loud sound of thunder outside the building at the same time a frightening scene from the movie appeared, Emma instinctive moves right next to Colt, her hands clutching onto his arm while she buries her face in his chest.

Oh.my.god did I just bury my face in Colt’s chest? Damn it, why does he smell so good. Well this just got awkward. Maybe he didn’t notice.

She tilts her chin up and sees Colt looking at her cocking an eyebrow. “Sorry.. Reflexes” She said in a shaky voice. “Do. Do you mind?

“It’s alright.” He grinned.

Emma sits right up and raises an eyebrow at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. It’s just..I think it’s cute that you’re still afraid of a little thunder after all these years.”

“Shut up, Colt.” She said then playfully swats him on the shoulder before leaning back right next to him. Colt wiggles his arm from behind her back and wraps it around her shoulders just like old times whenever they would watch a movie together. “If you’re gonna lean on me at least give my arm somewhere comfortable to rest.”

It wasn’t long before the two eventually fell asleep laying on the couch. Colt had one arm wrapped around Emma as she lay her head on his chest.

They wake up a few hours later as the sunlight pierce through the window hitting their eyes. Colt slowly rubs his eyes and lets out a yawn, when he finally opens them he sees Emma fluttering her eyes open. Both still feeling half asleep.

Shit! Did we just fall asleep on the couch together? Damn, I forgot how cute she looks when she’s tired. Okay, play it cool like it’s no big deal.

“Morning.” He smiled.

Shit, did I just fall asleep in Colt’s arms? He’s so warm and comfortable to sleep on. Not that Logan isn’t.. Oh shit he just said good morning to me. Is he freaked out? He doesn’t seem freaked out. Play it cool Emma.

“Morning.” She sheepishly smiled back.

“Ahem!” Mona croaked.

Emma and Colt’s eyes go wide open when they realize they weren’t alone. They turn their heads to see Mona grinning with her arms folded, Ximena with her hands on her waist and Toby munching on some fruit loops.

They both sit up with a jolt, the other three continue to stand and stare. “We um… Anyone hungry?” Emma nervously chuckles, getting up from the couch. “I could really go for some omelettes and bacon.”

“I need to use the bathroom.” Colt mentions and excuses himself from the bathroom.

“So this is going to be a whole thing now?” Toby murmurs to the other two ladies.

“Apparently…” Mona replies with a grin. “Now let the games begin.”

*****

It was quiet around the table as the five ate their breakfast, so quiet that Mona could hear the sound of Toby’s teeth crushing the fruit loops in his mouth from across the table. Colt was seated in front of Emma and Mona between them, her eyes move back and forth at the two, who were awkwardly trying to avoid looking at each other for a second there they failed but quickly move their gaze away.

Ugh… Watching these two is more depressing than that finally episode of Game of Thrones. I wonder what’s going on in their heads?

What were you thinking Colt? Last night was a mistake, you weak son of a bitch! It only takes one smile.. One smile and suddenly she’s all I can think about. Who am I kidding I’ve been thinking about her since that night at the sideshow and that was before I knew who she was. It’s like we're magnets and there’s this strong force trying to pull us together.

He quickly tries to get a glance at her and it’s as if she could read his mind, she tilts her head up and gazes back at him. They both quickly avert their eyes mere seconds later. Colt shakes his head.

No You can’t do this, she broke your heart Colt. There’s a reason why You have all these walls up and You don’t plan on letting them down anytime soon. Just get through this summer as friends and nothing else. After that you won’t have to see her again.

Emma you’re such an idiot, falling asleep with Colt Kaneko, even if it wasn’t intentional and you didn’t do anything wrong but still! Why, after everything that’s happened between us, last night hanging out, it somehow still feels like home when we’re together. No! No! Get yourself together Emma you have a boyfriend who’s sweet and kind, who loves you and would never break your heart. OMG! I forgot about Logan, he already hates Colt’s guts. I can’t imagine what he would do if he found out and not just about falling asleep on the couch thing but about our history. I haven’t told him yet about the part where we dated at least and I don’t know if I should, Colt’s only going to be here for the summer then he’s back to wherever he came from. We can get through this few weeks as friends. Hmm.. Honestly I’m surprised Colt hasn’t said anything to him, since he seems to like getting into Logan’s skin.

“Morning.” Logan announces himself as he enters. He glares at Colt before taking a seat on the empty chair next to Emma.

“Morning beautiful.” He grins and kissing her on the lips. She could see Colt roll his eyes from the corner of her eye but pretends to ignore it.

“You’re dressed early today?” She smiled

“Boss needs me to get somethings done today, thought I get an early start.” He pauses to look at her. “Why aren’t you dressed? You’re usually the one who gets ready before I do.”

“Yeah.. Umm… I decided to take it slow today. Bacon?” She offers Logan a piece on her fork and he takes a bite, moaning as he did. Colt merely oggles at the site, if he keeps it up at this rate he is going to get a headache before noon.

“Aw how sweet, I’m not even pregnant and I suddenly got morning sickness just by looking at the two of you.” Mona said in a sarcastic tone.

“You jealous Mona?” Logan sneered.

Okay time to stir up some tension. Mona pretends to clear her throat. “So Colt, I heard you slept well last night. How bout you Emma? How did you sleep?”

Emma slightly chokes on her orange juice and tries to kick Mona under the table but hits Colt instead.

“Ouch! What was that for?” Colt bellowed and quirks an eyebrow at Emma.

“Sorry.. Hrk.. reflexes.” She apologizes trying to compose herself, her eyes fixed on Mona with a glare.

“Babe, you alright?” Logan asks in a concerned voice, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

“Yeah… I’m fine… totally..” I mean I fell asleep in the arms of the boy I once loved but other than that totally fine. Emma replied trying to hide how nervous she was. “I um.. need to get ready. I’ll see you when you get back?”

“Sure. I’ll be missing you till then.” Logan leans in to kiss her but she quickly gets up before he manages to. At the same time Colt gets up from his seat and walks out the opposite way.

Logan looks curiously at the group that were still seated at the table. “Did something happen while I was asleep? Everyone’s been acting weird all morning.”

“You’re reading into things too much pretty boy, nothing happened.” She answers trying to hide a grin on her face. Not yet anyway.

****

********

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Rod - @liamzigmichael4ever @client-327 @brightpinkpeppercorn @lovehugsandcandy @lilyofchoices @justdani14 @akrenich @princess-geek @flowerpowell @zaffrenotes @queenkaneko @mskaneko @princessstellaris

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coolmarriagerecords · 4 years

Text

Johan Kugelberg's Top 100 DIY Singles

From Ugly Things via http://www.hyped2death.com/Kugelberg100.html

1. The Desperate Bicycles -The Medium Was Tedium (Refill Records, 1977 UK) The Desperate Bicycles are the yardstick for this obscurist sub genre. No one did it as easy or as cheap as them. Of the slew of unfathomable brilliant pop 45's, The Medium Was Tedium is the apex: The enthusiasm, anger and joy de vivre that oozes from the tracks contained within has me reaching for Village Green-Kinks and first album Cramps to describe the passion. For drunken, leftist dorm-room intellectuals to describe the faith and for Dez/Chavo-era Black Flag to describe the power ? notwithstanding that the recordings themselves are of 4-track bedroom shut-in lo-fi jangle. Too bad the band don't want the material re-released but a good thing indeed that the records barely rate at all in the collector scum price guide pantheon.

2. Beyond The Implode -Last Thoughts EP (Diverse Records UK 1979) Barrett/early-Floyd psych as good (or better) than any Soft Boys, obscurist strum & drang way more passionate than any Flying Nun band I've heard and Inflammable vocals of the purest Oxbridge confusion. The Spacemen 3 never did anything to match this record. [Messthetics #6]

3. V/A -Weird Noise EP (Fuck Off Records UK 1980) The legend doesn't start here, but at least this isn't a cassette-only release in an edition of 50 copies or so like the majority of the Fuck Off Records oeuvre. This lines up the finest advocates of tuneless bashing within the UK late 70's underground: The 012, Danny and the Dressmakers, the Instant Automatons, The Door and the Window and finally the Sell Outs who seem to be Danny and the Dressmakers under a different moniker. The cut "Please Don't Make Another Bass Guitar Mr. Rickenbacker" showcases one of the odder qualities popular music can have: The ability to disorientate the listener. "Simply the very best in bad music" indeed! [Danny...Messthetics Greatest Hits]

4. Desperate Bicycles ? New Cross, New Cross (Refill Records, UK 1978) The godlike power of "I Make The Product" or "Advice On Arrest" (two of the songs on this six song EP) deliver a little salvation of sorts ? the Desperate Bicycles make you believe, make you feel a sense of belonging. Music does that when it is this good. 5.Slugfuckers ? Three Feet Behind Glass EP (No label Australia 1979) Invoke the god Nyarlathotep they do, cover Manson-songs w/o ever having heard him they do, shmear on the middle class art school elitism thick they do. This is an extreme record; noisier and more abrasive than most first generation industrial stuff, a hell of a lot more punk than, say, the Lewd and intelligent in a scary, vicious bullying kind of way. A blazing, hard record at the same time as everything is slightly out of tune, kind of inept and sorta shoddy sounding.

6. Popes -Knup In Your Eye (Vatican Records. UK 1980) This appeared on the worldwide punk list a few issues ago, and educated guesses can be made for this appearing on any other lists I might do in the future. Not only is the record the cats pajamas as far as relentless art school mirth goes (Derek & Clive go through puberty, again!) but the throb and spark of the band makes for repeated play. And then we have to tag on the swollen nostalgia of my friend buying the only copy at the Rough trade shop in 1980 leaving me with none until Bill Forsyth digs one up for me in his back room, oh yeah, and one for Geoffrey too.

7. The Flak -EP (Northern Records UK 1980 (?)) Starts with a depressed "why am I here" poem and moves straight along into "Knocking on Heaven's Door" done dorm-angst-diy-style. This is followed by what sounds like the band attempting a Joy Division-style song the first time they pick up musical instruments. Completely inept, utterly charming and brilliant indeed. Top shelf genre defining DIY.

8. Fatal Microbes -Beautiful Pictures (Small Wonder, UK 1979) Certainly the best record with Honey Bane on it. Charming, relentless punk-crazed homemade guitar crunch. The window of opportunity of the UK underground musicscene in the late 70's is clearly demonstrated here: I doubt the Fatal Microbes stupendous teen energy could have been nurtured in the world of merchandising deals and first-look demo A&R we live in today.

9. The Silver -Do You Wanna Dance (Black Label Finland 1980) The Silver -No More Grease (Black Label Finland 1979) A riddle wrapped inside an enigma etc. The band appears to be around 12 ? 13 years old. They hail from Finland where the trail grew cold a long long time ago. Maybe upon the release of the record. Pussy Galore without post-modern baggage. "Love Theme from the Snails" as performed by SPK. 12 year olds virtually destroying a recording studio captured on tape, not once but four times.

10. Instant Automatons -Peter Paints His Fence EP (Deleted Records UK 1980) More Fuck Off/Street Level-related sublime nonsense. The battle call is the track "People Laugh At Me Cuz I Like Weird Music" which states: "I was at a pub the other night, when a bunch of mods came in, they eyed me up, then they asked me: Hey man what's your scene? Are you a hippie a mod or a punk? Got a scooter or a motorbike? I can't understand why they burst out laughing when I told them the music I like, because: People Laugh At Me Cuz I Like Weird Music People just don't understand Why pay six pounds for an album when you can, listen to a weird noise band for free I had a girlfriend named Josephine, she liked Abba and the Bee Gees. She thought music was about lawyers and accountants, percentages and legal fees. Just the other night we stayed up late, playing records til half past ten, then I played the Danny and the Dressmakers tape and I never saw Josephine again, because: People Laugh At Me Cuz I Like Weird Music People just don't understand Why pay six pounds for an album when you can, listen to a weird noise band for free" The gospel, folks. From God's mouth to your ear via the Instant Automatons. [Instant Automatons 'Another Wasted Sunday Afternon' CD]

11. Sir Alick and the Phraser -In Search of the Perfect Baby (Black Noise UK 1980) As Chuck Warner put it: They wrote beautiful pop songs then destroyed them. More Homosexuals pseudonymous mystique. The intelligent reader who followed our previous musings on this band and their universe know how much we love them and how much they perpetually pull our collective leg. No straight-ahead answers in this lifetime which is fine ? fine as far as record collecting is concerned, fine as far as lifemanship is concerned.[The Homosexuals -Astral Glamour 3CD]

12. The Four Plugs -Biking Girl (Disposable Records UK 1979) The subtle charm of marginal culture: Truly marginal culture where 1000 singles were pressed more than 22 years ago. How many got lost? How many are never being played? How many are stored in a box in the attic? How many are being played repeatedly on turntables that cost ten times as much as the recording and pressing of this given 45? "She used to be my biking partner ? she used to be my biking girl. We used to go for rides in the country side". A true punk rock/diy statement issued by the Damaged Goods people, who knew their Chesterton and Thomas Browne.

13. The Evening Outs -Channel (Refill Records UK 1980) Super-fierce skronk from a pissed-off pseudonymous Desperate Bicycles. Puts that no wave stuff to shame, really.

14. Puritan Guitars -100 Pounds in 15 Minutes (Riverside Records UK 1980) How much it cost to make the record and how long it took. Genius sturm und sturm und sturm und drang clank from a seriously inspired one chord wonder.[Messthetics Greatest Hits and Messthetics #104]

15. The Flying Brix -EP (Modello Records UK 1980) So subtle it can barely be heard: A band consisting of Wally's and Erberts, with the odd dead-end yob or two. This record could've been released by Illegal, Fuck Off or fit in on Carry On Oi. It could also have been performed on an episode of Noddy or by Flanagan & Allen. Ur-English music, this.[Messthetics #104]

16. Shrinking Men/Beevers -Hazards in the Home EP (Pop Records UK 1981) The Beevers present a Guthrie-esque talking blues here, except that it isn't a blues, but a charming DIY-shuffle, and that Woody Guthrie as far as I know never sang about the plight and blight of the office boy. The Shrinking Men in turn showcase an angry, loutish anti-army rant that Phil Ochs would've been pretty proud of I think. And there you have it: The folk music connection rears its uncombed head. [Beevers -Messthetics #6]

17. Handgrenades -Demo To London (Phonographics (?) USA 1980 (?)) Coulda fooled me ? Excellent primitive punk/chug/diy from Noo Yak City! Who woulda thunk? Somewhere between "Pink Flag" and Fuck Off Records.

18. Homosexuals -You Are Not Moving The Way You Are Supposed To (Black Noise UK 1980 (?)) An untouchable band, and the lack of a retrospective isn't much of a crime in this house (I have lots of their records snicker snicker snicker) but in other people's houses it sure is. As if Gang of Four would've been any good, as if Wire would've immersed themselves in dub, as if indeed. Parallel universe chart toppers indeed. We all know that there is at least one world out there in the ultra-cosmos where the proverbial kids are kicking these jams daily. A truly inspired and inspiring record..[The Homosexuals -Astral Glamour 3CD]

19. Cindy and the Barbi Dolls -Press The Shutter EP (A Not Major Production UK 1980) Dorm angst at its very best. Dark, brooding overtly romantic without gothing it up, these jams have the same lurking power as the pre-Joy Division Warsaw EP or the spookier first line up Soft Boys tracks. A possible sister band to Beyond the Implode in the sense that they play a curiously British form of psychedelic music in the midst of the DIY lack of musical chops. This Cornwall band were seemingly very hip to musical peers, thanking the Desperate Bicycles, the Mekons and Ralph and the Ponytails on the sleeve. There are musical (and one lyrical) nod to the Kinks "Village Green Preservation Society" as well. A very good thing. [Messthetics #7]

20. Versatile Newts -Newtrition (Shanghai Records UK 1980) If this record hadn't existed we would've had to invent it: The marriage/blend of the Swell Maps, This Heat and the TV Personalities. In equal chunks with no lumps. Gadzooks! [Messthetics #103]

21. Pink Dirt -Hey Sir (No label Norway 1979) As far as inept, crazed joi de vivre goes ? Here's the acme. I've written this one up before and will do it again. While this is obviously a straight-ahead angry punk rock band, the abandon and enthusiasm of this record could raise the dead. An angry rant against organized religion ("I have this to say tonight ? never, never get involved with christianity!") howled in a barely English Johnny Rotten-imitation by some Norwegian genius backed by shitrock more primitive than the first Endless Boogie rehearsal. There is no sleeve, no labels, just the legend "Pink Dirt Hey Sir/Hooker" scrawled in magic marker. Who were these gods and why did they walk among us? Please email me if you know anything about the people behind this stunning art experience.

22. Scrotum Poles -Revelation EP (One Tone Records Scotland 1980) Helicopter Honeymoon is going to be played at least three record collector funerals I know of, not including mine. The mighty, mighty Scrotum Poles, proudly proclaiming "DIY! We love the TV Personalities" on the shoddy, xeroxed sleeve. Their website (http://home.switchboard.com/hornstreet) is highly recommended, though we're hesitant to vouch for its complete veracity. Here's how they tell it: "'Pick the Cats Eyes Out' featured lyrics found on the back of a set list by one of the first Dundee punk bands, Bread Poultice and the Running Sores..." [Somebody please send us a demo tape!] "Helicopter Honeymoon," meanwhile, came from a headline "in the Sunday Post." What we should add for American fans is that "cats eyes" are what Brits (and Scots) call those little orange reflectors embedded in highway pavement: "Cats Eyes Out Ahead" used to be a common roadside sign. [Messthetics Greatest Hits and Messthetics #105]

23. File Under Pop -Corrugate (Rough Trade UK 1979 (?)) Godlike DIY power. Primitive grunting, out of tune skeletal instrumentation and noises recorded at Heathrow. I know a guy with an extra copy who'll swap it for Butchy Butch and the Butch Butchers.

24. Nancy Sesay and the Melodaires -C'est Fab (It's War Boys UK 1981 (?)) Un-musical, un-punk and possibly unpleasant music hall-esque skronk/DIY by the godlike Homosexuals using one of their myriad of pseudonyms. And whence you can't imagine the doofus art wank getting any more unlistenable, they spin on a dime and throw in a beautiful chorus sitting on top of a backwardsy funky drummer beat. I am, as per usual, in awe. Shall I hook some enterprising young bootlegger up with a CDR of all their stuff?

25. Performing Ferret Band -Brow-Beaten (Dead Hippy Records UK 1981) Deeply moving primitive musical fumble from this rare 45 by the masters behind the in my mind most seminal LP to come out of DIY. The eponymous Performing Ferret Band LP, which features jaw-droppers such as "Plastic Macho Man", "Fizzly Drinks" or "Great Duos Of Our Time". Fantastic over-enthusiastic juvenilia of an almost supernatural beauty. The Performing Ferrets - no one told us CD (Messthetics #216)

26. Different Eyes/Royston - Shish EP (Tuzmadoner Records UK 1979) One of the two masterpieces released on the Tuzmadoner label (the other being a 12" comp entitled, uh, "folk music" bringing up more parallels to skiffle that we should probably choose to ignore). Royston are like Flanagan & Allen fronting the world's greatest shit rock band. Different Eyes sound more lethargic than anyone else I've heard I think, and I used to work for Pavement's label. Simon Gilham from either Royston or the 'Eyes later played in Colin Newman's solo band. [Royston -Messthetics Greatest Hits and #1; Different I's -Messthetics #101 (plus their even better track from Folk Music)]

27. Homosexuals -Hearts In Exile (Black Noise UK 1978) Words fail me. As far as beauty goes, this is like Mozart or Shirley Collins. Probably their greatest moment. Somewhere along the lines of Brill Building and traditional UK folk and the Upsetters and ESP Records all at once in perfect harmony. A milestone, I think, and a record that I'd place in a timecapsule of 20th century folk art.[The Homosexuals -Astral Glamour 3CD]

28. Andrew Klimek -Felt Hammer (Mustard Records USA 1979) The guitar break alone sends this one soaring over the sky scrapers. Has that patented and most beautiful basement 4-track sound down pat even though I get more and more convinced that all those legendary Cleveland bands all were record collector rock of the umpteenth degree. Extraordinarily self-aware, sly and with meticulously thought out records, this one being no exception. The pompous liner notes on the sleeve of the 45 proves me right. You got to be some kind of Apples in Stereo-type shmuck to brag on a record sleeve that you put the bass guitar through a ring modulator.

29. Mekons -Never Been In A Riot (Fast Records UK 1978) Way before they became icky hippy-punk icons for aging counter culture types across the world they released a couple of singles of gorgeous nihilist slop. This is the first, and the funniest and the noisiest.

30. Jelly Babies -De Nada EP (No label name UK 1981) Simply heaven. A clumsy speed-chug with lyrics about a day of roller-skating and lovely pre-pubescent boozy backing vocals. Genius. Extra-tinny sound, extra passionate execution. I've quoted this portion of the notes on the (shoddy xerox, natch) sleeve: "Recorded at Dirt Cheap Studios, the best studios in the whole wide world by Grant Showbiz, the most silly person in the whole wide world, who steals your food and has a nice red guitar with a super tremelo arm which somebody gave him." Like Blake, the words transcend space, time and mortality. You need this record. Crunchy granola collectors should also note that I have personally seen at least five different (shoddy xerox) picture sleeves for this record where the priority can be determined with relative accuracy using the carbon 14 method. [one from the EP is coming on London v.III: another song from the EP demos appears on Messthetics Greatest HISS (Messthetics #110)

31. Thin Yoghurts -Girl On the Bus (Lowther Street Runner Records UK 1980) More sing-a-longa-slop-charm. You can take the limey out of the music hall but you can't Cute, touching and romantic lyrics about lusting over some tasty lassie on the bus to the kippers factory. They did this record as well as a cassette, which is a hundred bucks in your sweaty palm, if you send it to me. [Messthetics Greatest Hits]

32. Lucky Pierre -This Could Be The Night (No label USA 1984 (?)) Scuzzy, phenomenal art-rant by some Ohio Bowie-boy who'd re-record these musical chairs of Chain Gang, Klaus Nomi and cocaine freebase ten years later for Trent Reznor's label adding a "industrial dance beat" to the mess and changing the band name to Prick. Supposedly (some record-log-pincher told me) there were only 50 copies pressed for Lucky Pierre to use as record deal bait (also the reason that the lyrics are etched on the flip together with a ten second excerpt of the song). Well, I guess it worked. I seem to recall seeing a video for the re-recorded version on MTV during ol' Pierre's 15 seconds in the spotlight. The awe-inspiring power of this record remains tho'.

33. Skabb -78 EP (Mistlur Sweden 1978) Track 2 side one is jaw-dropping Opus-style DIY-crunch punk with Kriminella Gitarrer-guitar breaks. I can't believe this isn't a hotly pursued record by herd-following punk rock turd-swallowers round the globe. Fantastic slop-o-rama-lama-fa-fa-fa production too.

34. V/A -Angst In My Pants double EP (Street Level UK 1979) Imagine how good the previous 33 records on this list are, as I guarantee by risk of punishment of rock writer hyperbole, that this is doubtlessly one of the finest records I've ever heard, and the second greatest compilation in the history of rock! How can I say this wonders Rutger the Punk from his bedroom in Krakow ? Well the proof is in the pudding: Not only does the record include some of the finest recorded moments by the legendary Instant Automatons (who unknowingly channel the Monks!), 012 and the Door and the Window, but furthermore a rare vinyl appearance by the Digital Dinosaurs, heralded by me, Mario and Geoffrey in that most smug sort of way as unheralded gods of music! If that ain't enough you get some fine TVP-related spurts from the Missing Persons and extremely do it yourself DIY frenzy from the Midnight Circus. Who in "Silicone Baby" and "Hedonist Jive" have out-poignanted a tow-truck full of Aimee Mann's and Michelle Shocked's edgy humanity and funny as shit to boot. [Digital Dinsaurs and Instant Automatons are on Messthetics Greatest Hits: Midnight Circus have their own CD...And there's more on Deleted/Street Level at the Instant Automatons website]

35. Pleemobielz -Dagenlang Balen (Kamikaze Records Holland 1981) More sociological sloganeering a la Midnight Circus here: Dagenlang Balen which needlessly translates as "fuck all day" roars through the speakers with all the might of a bunch of over-testosteroned 16 year old virgins singing about what they think it'll be like to have sex some day. Tinniest sound in history. When a copy finally showed up on my doorstep after the fucking (literally!) record had spent a solid 10 years on my want list my expectations were quite low since anyone I had talked to who had heard the record all stated that it was weak/a waste of time etc. Well: It being a want list staple has more to do with the scarcity of the disc than it being a desirable punk rock record. However: It is an extremely desirable record if frenzied DIY bliss is your chosen poison.

36. Just Urbain -Guns & Guitars (No label Australia 1979) Another amazing DIY record from Australia, this one definitely sports a spiritual kinship with SPK, the Slugfuckers, the first Thought Criminals record, and those Systematics and Tactics records I need to find. Very dark, scuzzy art-damaged DIY that (a la Cabaret Voltaire or early SPK) is well aware of the fine krautrock musics coming out of Germany on Ohr or Sky a few years previously. The proto punk of say Neu or Cosmic Jokers is here handled with poisonous skronky passion.

37. The Gags -Sex Ist Schau (Leg Auf Records Germany 1981) And then one has to simply wonder if the belly laughs generated by this piece of vinyl have racist connotations: How much are we allowed to laugh at the Germans? This might be the stiffest record I've heard. The vocals lyrical bark manages to reanimate Basil Fawlty's classic performance in the "Germans" episode as well as the Sprockets. The jams are crazed. Stiff, yes, but crazed.

38. Desperate Bicycles -Smokescreen (Refill Records UK 1977) Their debut, more aggressive than a lot of the other classics and maybe it was the year. This is the 45 that launched hundreds of others: Two songs on one side to save mastering costs, the cheapest packaging, music that had to be documented, and it didn't matter if it was done in the cheapest and easiest way imaginable. [Messthetics #8]

39. Butter Utter -Jävlarnas Jul (Leonid Breznjev Records Swe 1977) Took me ages to find this one. Extremely inept, Shaggs-like fumble with a certain Je Ne Sais Qui of punk rock aggression. A lot of Killed by Death-types paid a lot of moola for this one, that some guy hyped to the moon in a Boston straight-edge fanzine back in the 80's. Only truly "punk" in the musical disaster sense of the word.

40. Cut-Outs -DIY (EMI UK 1979) Great novelty pop monster complete with carpentry noises. Possibly not a DIY record at all, but since the genre is made up by people like me this is a DIY record cuz I sez so. [NOT on Messthetics #7]

41. Massmedia ? EP (Massproduktion Swe 1979) Debut sloppiness from future KBD mainstays. There is no discernable musical ability to be found on this record and yet they play and play and play. The energy level is however awe-inspiring.

42. Dagens Ungdom -EP (Mistlur Swe 1980) Having an art school wank with Dagens Ungdom. Brilliant faux-DIY released on one of the major noo wave era indie labels of Sweden, home of Ebba Gron. All songs have titles nabbed from Kafka books, lyrics are more adjective heavy than a tub full o' Morrisey and the music is flawless DIY stumble n' fumble.

43. The Discounts -Selling Records (Original Records UK 1980) Blank 1000-yard stare DIY novelty straight out of High Fidelity. The lyric is a monologue as by a bored-to-tears record store clerk. The jams are sub-sub-sub-Blockheads DIY stumble. Extremely amusing.

44. Grinder Wickford's So Boring -EP (Wax Records UK 1979) Forget punk rock, bring in hick-rock! The aliases of the band read: "Dav-Id, Si-Kic, Terry-Ball, Stu-Pid and Holy-Grail"!. Three band members have moustaches! The singer is wearing a Rocky Horror t-shirt! The a-side is a "humorous" ditty about the acne problem of Spiderman, reflecting the sleeve front depicting some fool in a Spiderman costume driving a tractor, The b-side is an anti-fuzzy dice song. Genius. It is obvious to me that Wickford wasn't boring at all as long as you hung out with the bold gents of Grinder. The songs range from primitive clunky riff-rock to DIY jangle of the highest order. Messthetics #101

45. Psykik Volts -Totally Useless (Ellie Jay Records UK 1979) More Music Hall-punk DIY genius. The spirit of Vivian Stanshall is looming large; as is the empty pint glasses littering the room as this 45 is stuck on repeat. All together now: "It's to-tal-ly useless"!! The sleeve bears the legend: "Side A: recorded in a sock, Side B: recorded in a morgue. May god bless vocalist and songwriter Victor Vendetta. Now pardon me while I go to the corner and cry.

46. Raisinets -More Fun To Play Than To Listen To (Fun-Ethic Records USA 1979) Fantastic record-collector hippie-punk a la Gizmos/Afrika Korps/Half Japanese. Primitive guitar duets complete with questionable production values and mucho muchacho helpings of pure static. Great post-arrest pre-OD lyrics making fun of Sid too.

47. Dag Vag -Dimma (Ball Records Swe 1978) Two years after this record was released, Dag Vag were playing new wave-scented white-boy reggae to sell-out crowds all over Sweden. This, however, is a one-man band bedroom project by a Träd Gräs & Stenar roadie who had discovered punk rock and the DIY scene. Beautiful dark/sinister home studio atmospherics, killer fuzz guitar and demented lyrics about psychiatric care and drug experiences. A great record. And by all means: Don't buy any other Dag Vag records after you've obtained this one.

48. I Jog & the Tracksuits - Redbox (Tyger Label UK 1978) More lost artform unique stumble-rumble from the UK. Sounds like it was recorded under water this one. A petty miracle of a pop tune with a sublime lyric about waiting for the bus. Gotta bless em for the stamina it takes to get a record out: Recording, Mixing, Mastering, Designing, Printing, Approving, Distributing, Balancing. All to get a little song about missing the bus heard by me 22 years later.

49. Injections -Prison Walls (Radioactive Records USA 1980) This has always been an extremely desired and expensive record in KBD/Japanese Tasty/Moustache circles, and it doubtlessly deserves its inflated price tag even though we aren't talking chainsaw-buzz punk rock per se here.

50. Devils Hole Gang -Free The People (Slow Burning Fuse Records UK 1979) Huge moustaches, huge choruses, and a record that sounds like it was recorded inside one of those Moroccan hotel showers that basically consist of a huge tube of aluminum siding. My pretentious nature is such that I feel forced to unleash the folk art metaphor for this again. If your friendly neighborhood rare record dealer charges you a couple of C-notes for this and you feel like your being had for big G's by the sleaze, then remember that you are investing in art, not buying a record!!

51. Funboy Five -Life After Death (Cool-Cat Daddy-O Records UK 1980) A pure pop record indeed, but where pricey production values would've turned this into a memorable Stiff Records 45, the band's lack of bucks and resulting throwaway/enthusiasm production and energy has created a masterpiece. Both sides are stalwarts for a neighborhood sing-song or a rousing music hall chorus. Punk rock music hall: A genre waiting to happen again! [Messthetics #101]

52. How To Get Rich In Rotterdam - Dapper Dan (Vormgeving Rotterdam Records Netherlands 1981) Brilliant, plodding art-slop that reeks of inside jokedom. This record is a reason unto itself to pay ebay prices for vintage drum machines.

53. Come -Come Sunday (Come Organization UK 1979) Before William Bennett became the Benny Hill of industrial noise, his band Whitehouse were called Come and released a single and an album which both are quite lovely homemade art-dirge crankiness, a friendly psychedelic kind of crankiness indeed.

54. The Riotous Brothers -Vicki's Dancing (Riotous Records 1980) How all these disparate bands came up with a sound this cohesive is a mystery to me. Any of the hints handed to us through fanzines and interviews only mess things up further: Yes, anyone could form a band, make a record, start a record label indeed. Where it gets weird is why so many of them harbor a similar tinny guitar sound, cardboard-y drums, messy synths, inept recording techniques, smart-assed lefty lyrics and nasal singing tone. This was not a movement. It was just a bunch of stuff that happened. That's all. This record has the beautiful simplicity of a Shaker chair or a Maine seafood soup. The swanky speedpunk of "Operation Zero" or the plink-a plunk-a guitar solo on "Emotional Cripple" will some day have their own wing at the Victoria and Albert museum. Make my art primitive!

55. Partizans -Goods (A-Noyz Records UK 1980) Chain Gang's retarded English cousins. Ace!!

56. Amor Fati -Economics 100 (Yuck/Flesh Records USA 1984 (?) Very angry anti-r&r/anti-big-business slightly tongue in cheek rant that shows spiritual kinship to "Rat City" by the Art Attacks. Vertical Slit/V-3. The odd blend of wanting in, wanting to play the game and wanting to stay the fuck away that is symptomatic for a lot of Ohio underground musicians (Shepard, Hummel, House etc.)

57. Desperate Bicycles -Skill (Refill Records UK 1978) Blazing DIY-shuffle and unmistakenly Bicycles. More pro production which has this one slip further down the list. Still godlike though.

58. Sarah Coffman -Titta Jag Ar Död (Konkurrenz Rekårdz Sweden 1980) Excellent primitive shit-rock by band from my hometown!

59. Hornsey At War -Deadbeat Revival EP (War Product UK 1979) Extremely amusing ultra-sloppy DIY. No discernable production values, sound-as-filtered-through-ground-beef, emotionally charged out-of-tune vocals, crackly guitar (broken cable?) and a true aura of dead end yobs (and jobs) instead of the more common middle class art school vibe as prevailing on most DIY records. Hornsey At War are complaining about English radio too: "They won't play this record on the radio because it poses a threat!" Here tis again: That charming blend of hubris and defeatist that seems to penetrate the psyches of most people involved in underground music and/or collectors of it.

60. Take It -How It Is (Fresh Hold UK 1979) Stunning out of control DIY/noise not unlike a more frenzied Soft Boys, a more good Gang of Four or a less psychotic SPK. Igor and Simon seem like a couple of gents with some hardcore political and intellectual pursuits, and like the Desperate Bicycles before them I sense that the choice of releasing a noisy cheaply recorded 45 with a xerox cover was an act of some sort of political defiance, back in the day where such an act was not co-opted from the ground up by extreme sports and Wall Mart hair dye. [Messthetics Greatest Hits and Messthetics #2]

61. Rough Cuts EP (Z-Block Records UK 1980) Inspired sampler of four bands (The Boywonders, The Ghoulies, The Czechs and the Decadent Few) two of which tell us their age on the cover (The Boywonders are all 16, The Czechs are all 17). Humbling thought that such musical spirit could be mustered at such a tender age. Great variety of flavors too: The Boywonders great inept, spooky DIY strut where the band might think that a reggae influence is prevailing, us knowing that the stumbleblock shuffle bears more resemblance to ancient Celtic airs, the unbearable beauty of the Czechs utter disregard of tone, meter and signatures or the Ghoulies oddly Booker T-esque chug n' scrape. The business, all and all. [Boywonders and Czechs on Messthetics #104: The Z-Block Story is here]

62. The Petticoats -Normal (Bla-Bla-Bla Records UK 1980) Ripping good-kind-feminist anti-normalcy rant. Spiritually uplifting in a way not dissimilar to first-hand experience of medieval church architecture, I shit you not. Recorded at Street Level which means that this record is Fuck Off Records related.

63. Reducers -We Are Normal (Vibes Product UK 1978) The sub genre Geoff Weiss-punk is hereby coined to describe this record. High-energy ineptitude. There is a strange kinship to the Pink Fairies/Deviants axis on this record ? A similarity in energy and attack, notwithstanding that the Reducers really don't know how to play their instruments very well. [Messthetics #1]

64. Il Ya Volkswagens - Kill Myself (Mechanical Reproductions UK 1981) One more year in the rehearsal space for these guys and I wouldn't be writing this. Discernable elements of gothrock and Bauhaus influence can be noticed as a faint vapor in this aural air to speak it in goth-speak, the crunch of the slightly sour guitar, the plodd of the (genius) bass line and the all-in slouch of the lethargic vocalist and the cracked-everyday electronics elevates this dirge into an 18 carat DIY-cruncher.

65. Quite Ridiculous Nonsense -Identity Crisis (No Label USA 1984) Most ace industrial wank of that rare late 70's variety. Wildly entertaining experiments in four track flatulence and transistor radio static.

66. Pervers/Deutscher Abschaum split 7" (Suff Productions Germany 1984) The Godhead. Reminds me of Teddy and the Fratgirls or the Foams in the sense that one gets the notion that these must have been fun gals to hang out with or date. The timeless splendor of the arty urban misfit girl: Her goofy charm and no-holds-barred enthusiasm for all that she found weird, interesting or sexually appetizing. A toast to the art school weirdo outcast girls of the world: May they forever paint their room black or read Hermann Hesse to you in bed! The music is wild, out of control amateuristic slop goes from Electric Eels fuzzed out haterock to drumkits thrown down the stairs to minimal teen-angst and then back. Beautiful stuff. Got this in trade from Thurston Snore for some boring free jazz records back in the day. What a chump!

67. The Prats -Disco Pope (Rough Trade UK 1979) 15-year old Scottish schoolboy punks seething with rage over the demon disco. Early Downliners Sect-style one chord R&B shuffle complete with the drum breaks that made God decide not to spare humanity. Don't miss it!

68. Plast -EP (Stranded Rekords Swe 1979) Four song EP of the finest in teenage punks attempting to embrace the confusion in their head from listening to TG, Cabaret Voltaire and Pere Ubu. An ungodly racket where the hostility of the chosen sounds meets the cozy ineptitude of the random noises. Plenty of short-wave noises and the crappiest of synths. Utterly charming.

9. Raincoats -Fairytale in the Supermarket (Rough Trade UK 1979) All enthusiasm/zero chops Ubu-esque DIY-charm from these stunning ladies. This is the best of their many records. Some kinda CD anthology that I can't find right now was released in the USA on the basis of Kurt Cobain being a big fan.

70. Tone Deaf and the Idiots -Why Does Politics Turn Men Into Toads? (Blue Angel UK 1979) Tone Deaf and the Idiots how do I love thee. This flexi is taken from their debut album Catastrophe Rock which still stands alongside the Damian & the Criterions "Avant Garde", Alvaro's Drinking My Own Sperm and Kräldjursanstalten's Voodoo Boogie as peerless monuments of original thought as far as late 70's underground albums are concerned. Catastrophe rock indeed. This is what "Music from the Big Pink" would've sounded like if it had been performed by the Portsmouth Sinfonia.

71. Desperate Bicycles -Grief Is Very Private (Refill UK 1980) One of the mighty Bicycles more introspective and subtle moments. Their entire recorded output is well worth hearing, and the range of emotions they paint from their palate quite astounding.

72. Door and the Window -I Like the Sound (NB Records UK 1979) One of many brilliant anti-music art school rants by the grand old daddies of the very genre. They like sound, they don't like the Pop Group, they like noise (um yeah!), they don't like butter The list goes on and I can't say that I reached any enlightenment as such by the end of this demented scratchy noise-fumble. But the journey sure was great.

73. Slugfuckers -Instant Classic (PRS Australia 1979) Homosexuals-y whiteguy funk/noise fracture that Liquid Liquid would've been pretty stoked about. Screeching scrape and dumb jokey asides. Who could ask for anything more?

74. Happy Cadavers -Nothing New (Undefined Records UK 1982) Punk/wave slop from the Midwest ? kind of aims for the Stranglers but hits Small Wonder Records. Charming stuff. Give me a fake English accent any day.

75. The Reflections - 4 Countries (Cherry Red UK 1981) Coulda been by the Desperate Bicycles this: stop/start gurgling plodding slop with most excellent Mark P. whining on top. Patented Karl Blake crumble-o-rific drumming not to mention the ambience added by the illustrious Nag of Door and the Window celebrity status. The Reflections album is well worthy of your grease as well as it is more of the same DIY-gunk but with a more contempo Recommended Records-type sound. [Messthetics #1]

76. Reacta -Stop the World (Battery Operated Records UK 1979) Another one that demands the Desperate Bicycles as cultural cookie cutter ? A beautiful ramble with the edgy guitars of Hilton Bomber-Thought Criminals.[Messthetics Greatest Hits]

77. Crash Action Winners - Hurricane Fighter Plane (Sonic International UK 1979) Somewhere in this mess of static and filtered mud are the chord-change(s) of "Hurricane Fighter Plane". The sleeve hints at the band being American, the sounds point straight in the direction of an English middle class art school, and the record cover furthermore defines them as a bunch of record collectors to boot. Not only is a Roky Erickson tune given the same crap-o-riffic sonic treatment, but the shoddy crumb-bum picture sleeve showcases record covers by the Seeds, the 13th Floor Elevators, Russ Meyer and Question Mark and the Mysterians displayed in tasteful collage form. Messthetics #104

78. The Plastic Mechanical Pig -Book Brains (IX Recording Company Japan 1981) Tricky one here, Ricky and Paul, the two guys on the cover of the PMP 45, look like a couple of student teachers and the record sounds like a couple of student teachers recorded a Raisinets/Half Japanese hybrid on a primitive 4 track. Charming record this, with two folky DIY-punk cuts, but why on earth was it released in Japan?

79. V/A - Mell Square Musick EP (Yaw Records UK 1979) I've listened to this record a good dozen times or so, and my jaw still drops. Frenzied homemade punk where the energy could light up a medium-size town. Similar to the Tandstickorshocks, Seems Twice or Red Cross "Born Innocent" LP in its instinctive disregard for notes, chords and melody, the Accused or the 021 are more than deserving of particularly exquisite golden wings in the halls of the Valhalla of Amateurism. I bow my head. [Cracked Actor Messthetics #7; Accused and 021 - Messthetics #103]

80. Tandstickorshocks - Allan Vogalan (King Kong Records Holland 1980) The Dutch Puritan Guitars right here, it is almost spooky how similar the sound of the two bands is. Spinning these 45's makes me wonder if this music somehow managed to sidestep rock & roll and the black music tradition as a core influence. There is something about the Tandstickorshocks which at the same time manages to remind me of Schoenberg, microtonal composers and Irish tin-whistle folk music. This is, needless to say, evidence that I should get out more often, but also that these slices of true-life counterculture juvenilia are not isolated from a cultural context, but embracers of it. Even if it did take a couple of decades for these records to be collected in some kind of organized manner. The kids in Tandstickorshocls must have been aware of Wire and the Young Marble Giants, but the minimal primitive music they create is original in the same manner as the artists on Pat Conte's "Secret Museum of Mankind" compilations.

81. Foams - Paint Me (Pet Me Quick Records USA 1981) A classic of sorts. Frenzied, inept live recordings by this all-girl Austin Texas punk band. The only way that I can explain the similarities to the Slits or the Raincoats are that gals sure have a different way of looking at things, or at least playing drums. Great smutty lyrics and barky art-school vox too.

82. SST -Clutch On the Ward (Tidal Wave Records USA 1977) Super-inept hippie punk/DIY from California with lotsa early punk scenesters name-checked on the sleeve. Ted Falconi pre-Flipper on guitar.

83. The Simple Approach to Newtown Products EP (NTP Records UK 1980) My approach was to pay the inflated price the dealer was asking and happily walk home with this great record. 4 songs, four bands: Crimedesk are toilet-recorded DIY-slop, Basic Unit must be the most amateuristic goth band I've ever heard, Beat Necessity showcase only the finest in tuneless death-dirge with off-key howling and Story So Far is an awesome Joy Division/Factory Records attempt, but with no discernable musical talent. Needless to say, the whole EP is as charming as the day is long.

84. Hörförståelse -Förläst Jävel (CTR Sweden 1980) Demented art skronk of drums, bass and crap keyboards featuring out of tune vocals regurgitating about someone being an over-educated bastard. Perfect, really. A must for fans of primitive shit music.

85. What To Wear - Casual But Smart EP (Basic and Typical Records UK 1980 (?)) Inspired stumble as an attempt to play dub, The Homosexuals can do it ? These guys can't. I don't know if this given failure brought about something new, but this record is a very listenable stab at atmosphere by a DIY band with limited budget and equipment. The flip also contains a couple of amazing speed-pop DIY-rambles. [ Messthetics #104]

86. Contact -Future (Object Music UK 1979) An avantfied klutz by a band who probably wanted to be Tubeway Army one thinks as one gazes upon the sleeve. They move from sloppy pro-rock attempts to full-on art-noise to excellent DIY jingle and jangle. One of many excellent items on the Object label. [ Messthetics #106 and Messthetics #7]

87. Good Missionaries -Deranged in Hastings (Unnormality Records UK 1979) A great stop/start hiccup with the patented GM/ATV tinny guitars and peripheral production. What makes this stand out is that barely concealed aggression, like a slow fuse or something.

88. The Potent Human EP (L'Aventure Records UK 1980) I maintain, and not only because of my middle class lifestyle, that the Bathroom Renovations is the greatest band name in the history of rock. This EP is a four out of four winner. Brilliant DIY fumble from The Mekon (no relation), The Liggers , The Spurtz and the ultra-wah-wah power of the Bathroom Renovations. Let me type that again: Bathroom Renovations. [Liggers: Messthetics #106]

89. Disco Zombies -Here Comes the Buts (Dining Out Records UK 1980) This is my favorite of their three spectacular singles. Thw thuick brogue of an accent blends in a most interesting way with the crappy guitar and dull throb of the melody line or the voluptous Steve Severin-style bass line.

90. Record Players -Double C Side EP (Wreckord Records UK 1978) The Record Players came from Kent, which mustered a bit of a mod scene a couple years later, but otherwise wasn't much of a factor in the punk (or DIY) world. Here they've mustered up an anti-MOR rant with a chorus that comes off kind of, eh, MOR-sounding. Imagine the classic DIY trashing, bashing and gnashing, but with one big ol' chorus, and the most obvious bridge you'll ever hear. "Ignore Us" on the flip is self-defeatist art that'll piss all over any Magnetic Fields as far as smug self-hatred goes. "It's just one thing you gotta do if you want to move along, ignore the music and ignore this song ? Ignore us and we might go away". How about that. [Messthetics #1]

91. Boys and Girls Come Out and Play EP (Boys and Girls Records UK 1980) Might be a grade school project this one, and not an art school project. Bands like the Human Cabbages, The Profile and The Famous Five are very young sounding. The fragile beauty of these tunes remind me of the UK Voice of the People anthologies of field recordings of folk songs. The purity, private nature of the songs and homemade-ness makes for a truly intimate, moving listening experience. The people on this record should be proud of this slice of juvenalia 20-odd years later.[Profile -Messthetics #103 -also a Human Cabbages song]

92. False Idols -Ego Wino (Old Knew Wave Records UK 1980) Paul Morotta's unknown English nephews. This could be a Poli Styrene Jass Band outtake. Great, spazzy DIY with jazzy chording and great, supressed aggression.

93. Bandage -Republik (Bandage Records Sweden 1978) Seems as if the average age of the band members is 16 or so, and that the mere existence of this record points to the purest and most blissfully unaware state of do it yourself: Some kids in a suburb of Stockholm getting turned on by punk rock and the notion of releasing their own record. The four songs are all fuzzed out riff rock, not unlike say, the Crucified EP, but the poor quality of recording, sound separation, levels and what have you is why the record is mentioned on this list. Not that any of that was done on purpose, mind you, for any DIY-ethic of sorts. Necessity and gratification and all that good stuff.

94. 49 Americans -Big Value (NB Records UK 1979) Another hidden Fuck Off Records release? The 49 Americans certainly moved in the same circles, and furthermore share plenty of aesthetic choices with Danny and the Dressmakers or the Instant Automatons. This record consists of 14 short blasts of fuzz punk meets art wank and is absolutely brilliant.

95. Gods Gift -925 (New Market Records UK 1979) Three tuneless tunes of the finest in fuzzed-out death-dirge DIY-slop. Kilslug jamming with the Door and the Window.[Messthetics #106]

96. Mud Hutters -Declaration EP (Defensive Records UK 1979) Mud Hutters ? Information EP (Dead Good Records UK 1979) Truly original band this. Somewhere in a Heartwork Records/Rock In Opposition neighborhood, but with a real Safe As Milk-crunch. There are psych elements on both these records, moments of blistering punk rock, and a generous infusion of the Desperate Bicycles (or Thought Criminals) ethics and esthetics. Fantastic records, and mandatory listening for any fan of the underground music of the late 70's era. Unfortunately, their subsequent album isn't great. By that time the band got Gang of Four damage.[ Messthetics #106: a track from their first EP is on Messthetics Greatest Hits]

97. Horrible Nurds -Consuming Passion (Half Wombat Records UK 1980) Oddly enough, this record sounds a hell of a lot like early Problem (Sweden) on the a-side, with the b-side being Tim Rose backed by ATV in a fantastic art-rock/DIY howler In that lost art form kind of way.

98. Reptile Ranch -Animal Noises EP (Z Block Records UK 1980) Thinking Fellers Union Local 282 (one of the most under-rated bands of the last 15 years says I and ponder an upcoming UT article) are here channeled way before they even were formed by some UK art school kids. Fantastic Beefheart-y R.I.O-hybrid DIY. Passionate, crude and obnoxious, sending this record to the top shelf of any record room! [Messthetics Greatest Hits]

99. Freiwillige Selbstkontrolle - EP (Zick Zack Records Germany 1980) Ace generic DIY/punk that could've been at home on an early Rough Trade 45.

100. The Rutto - Ei Paluuta (Ikbals Records Finland 1983) Figured I'd seal the circle with this one: A record as stupendous as "Medium Was Tedium" and as prominently throwing all the weight of the DIY-aesthetic on us, the listeners. The Rutto seem to be your 1983 run-of-the-mill small town punk rockers, and this 45 is generic, frantic buzzsaw guitar 2-chord punk. The magic with this one, however, is that in between the choca-blocks of teen nihilism is a noticeable sense of wonder and joi de vivre oozing thru' the grooves, or maybe I am just getting old and sentimental. Thanks for reading.

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mystery-deer · 4 years

Text

Kids (Wip)

Jake was great at looking after kids. Or, he assumed he was. People told him he was basically a kid so he imagined that babysitting would just be him and however many kids jumping around a bounce house and eating two types of cereal until their parents got back.

Which is why when Terry asked if there was anyone free to help babysit he volunteered immediately.

“So what’s up with Cagney and Lace?” He asked, spinning around in his chair. “Don’t shorten my daughters’ names.” “What’s up with cags and the lace case?” He sang. “Cagney and lacey, braids of steel! Their big dad cooks their favorite meals and they go go go go go go to school and get good grades!” Terry looked upset at the butchering of his children’s names but very proud at how accomplished they were in his song. “It’s not them you’re going to be babysitting.” He explained, looking at a clipboard. “A lawyer, Laverne Holt is here and she-” There was a sudden clatter as Santiago rushed to their side, breathing heavily. “Damn Santiago!” Terry exclaimed. “Sir! I request to be allowed to help!” She demanded, slowly straightening out to her full (tiny) height. “Um.” “Sir, do you really trust Jake alone? To take care of such an important mission?” Jake held out his arms in disbelief. “Important? It’s just taking care of some lawyer’s kid! How hard is taking care of kids right Sarge?” “Yeah go with him.” Terry said immediately. “What!?” Cried Jake at the same time Amy started her speech with, “Laverene Holt is not just SOME lawyer!” It turned out that Laverene Holt was indeed not just some lawyer. She was also the most serious woman on the planet. She sat in the break room with her legs together, hands in her lap, face grave. Her son sat next to her in much the same position except he was sipping on what looked to be boxed water. Her daughter sat beside him, attempting to get off the couch every few seconds only to be gently pushed back in place by her brother. “Deborah, please stay seated.” He requested softly. Jake knew immediately he’d made a horrible mistake. Amy smiled and rushed to the Lawyer’s side, holding her hand out and gasping when it was taken. “Hello, I am Laverne Holt and I am relinquishing my children into your care for the better part of two hours while I take care of an urgent matter.” Jake scoffed, lawyers. “What is it? Lying to get some jerk back out onto the streets?” “Jake!” Amy cried, swinging her head back from him to the woman. “I’m so sorry about him, he’ll die if he isn’t given enough attention.” “I see.” Holt stared into his eyes, searching, prodding. “I wonder if your disdain of a fair trial implies something about your work.” She mused. Jake looked away, feeling very uncomfortable with the too-much eye contact. Amy leaped in to defend him. “Oh, no Jake is- Detective Peralta isn’t-” “Well that doesn’t matter- right now. Right now I have other matters to attend to and so I will have to be off.” She bent down to be at eye level with her son, who had finished his water and been watching the conversation with the same silent intensity that his mother had. “Raymond, please look after your sister as you are the oldest. And please listen to Detective Santiago.” “I will.” “I will be back soon.” She repeated the same instructions to her daughter who smiled and babbled at her. “Aren’t you cute.” She said flatly before giving them both a hug. “I will be back soon.” And with that she was gone. Jake and Amy stared at the two children who looked back at them expectantly. “Uh..so..what are your names?” Amy started cheerfully. “My name is Raymond Jacob Holt.” He stated and then turned to his sister, lifting her up into his lap to keep her from falling off the couch. “And this is my younger sister, Deborah Rosa Holt.” “Oh hey, we have a Rosa! And my name’s Jacob!” “My sister’s middle name is from the civil rights hero Rosa Parks.” Raymond offered, Jake was unsure if this was just a fact or a reproach. “Cool!” He tried. “My middle name came from the fact that my father liked the name.” “Oh! That’s cool, it’s a cool name.” He grinned. “My father died a few months ago.” Raymond offered. “...........greeeeat.” “Not! That your father died!” Amy jumped in, glaring at Jake. “That’s very sad!” “Yes.” Raymond nodded, seemingly satisfied. “It is very sad. I am very sad about it.” He paused thoughtfully. “I would like to play.” Jake perked up, now THIS he could do. “Sure! What do you wanna play? Tag? Your sister might be a bit too young for that one...hide and seek? We might have a bouncy castle in storage somewhere-” “I would like to play with my trains.” Raymond interrupted, seeming perturbed by Jake’s suggestions. “And Deborah would like to chew on something.” He added, allowing her to chew on his empty box of water. “Is she teething?” Asked Amy. “No. She just enjoys it.” _________ Jake and Amy closed the door quietly to the playroom as Raymond marveled at the honestly very sad looking model train set. They had snuck out as he was telling his sister (who was chewing the leg of a barbie doll) about all the different parts of the train and its station. “Isn’t he the cutest?” Asked Amy at the same time Jake asked, “Isn’t that kid so weird!?” “What!? Amy, he’s like a little robot! Don’t tell me you didn’t see him drinking boxed water. What? Would Apple Juice ruin his circuitry?” “Maybe he likes water and is allergic to fruit like lots of people are!” Amy asserted defensively. “Either way you have to admit, at least he’s easy to take care of.” At that moment Jake felt something tiny kick him in the back of the knee and he went down like a sack of potatoes. “Ow! What the -!?” A demonic yet oddly cultured laugh filled the corridor and he looked up to see a small redheaded boy about Raymond’s age doing his best to loom over him. He was dressed even more properly than Raymond, wearing a button up shirt, dress pants, and suspenders. He looked like he had gotten lost on his way to a country club. “Can I help you?” Asked Amy. “No.” Said the boy, turning and walking down the hall. At that moment Terry appeared at the other end, out of breath and pointing dramatically past the detectives. “Stop that kid!” He screamed at the same moment the boy began to run. After ten minutes of chasing and hiding and finding him only for him to give them the slip they finally caught his ankle as he was attempting to crawl into a vent and brought him back to the bullpen. “We...we ...got’m sir….” Jake panted, falling into his chair as Amy handed him over to the Sarge. “Safe...and sound!” She wheezed, falling into her own. “Kevin!” Barked a man who must have been his father. “You had your mother worried sick you know that?” Kevin didn’t seem too bothered by this and stuck his tongue out at the detectives rather than listen to his father. Jake stuck his tongue right back out at him. “Kevin, did you hear me? Apologize right this instant.” Kevin’s entire demeanor sagged into sorrow as he walked over to his mother (who seemed like the kind of woman who was always worried about something, eyes wide and mouth set into a thin frown) “My deepest apologies mother.” He recited without emotion. “I simply wanted to see if there were other children I could play with.” His mother melted at his words and hugged him fiercely. His father looked unimpressed. “Oh of course!” She glanced around at the detectives. “I’m so sorry about him causing a bit of mischief but you know how it is, boys will be boys!” “Boys will be brats more like.” Jake muttered. Amy nodded slightly. “If you’re that eager to play go play with Martin.” The boy’s father demanded, pointing to the boy sitting next to Kevin’s mother. He had been being so quiet that no one had noticed him and he seemed none too pleased to be noticed now. “Martin’s boring.” Kevin murmured and this indictment seemed to make his brother curl up even further into himself. “We have a playroom!” Terry interceded before anyone started shouting. “And my detectives would be happy to supervise them in there. Right detectives?” “Uh we-” “Well Sarge I think-” “RIGHT. DETECTIVES?” “....Yeah I-” “Sure yeah we’d love to…” Terry escorted the two boys there with them (he didn’t trust Santiago or Peralta to be able to wrangle them if they weren’t confined to a single room). Raymond barely looked up when they entered. He was staring at a train which was in the station. “Hello.” He said. “Hey there!” Terry called happily, letting go of Kevin and his brother. “Whatcha doing there?” “Playing with my train.” “Oh? Is it supposed to be moving?” Raymond looked up, annoyed for the first time. “No. It can’t move for two minutes or else people will not be able to get on in time and there will be congestion in the tunnels.” “I seee…” Terry said, smiling though he was obviously confused. “Well, I think you’re being a very good train conductor!” “I am a station manager.” He said. “But thank you.” “Bah!” Terry looked down in surprise as Debbie grabbed at his ankle and stood, smiling and bobbing. “Hello there little cutie!” He cried happily, lifting her up and smiling as she giggled. “That’s Deborah, she’s my sister.” Raymond said, finally moving his train and stating a few train announcements clearly. “Please do not lean against the doors…” “Aww, she’s a little cutie pie...and she was left all ALONE in a room for god knows HOW long~??” He asked cheerfully, eyes squarely on his detectives. “We didn’t know we’d have to chase after Dennis the Menace over here!” Jake insisted, pointing at Kevin who had been whispering something to his brother and was now smiling politely. “We were going to get some snacks for them!” Amy cried, opening the door. “I’ll go get them now! What do you guys want? Not you Jake.” She said, seeing him open his mouth. “I would like some fruit, an apple is preferable.” Raymond said. “Baahhh….choochoo!” Debbie exclaimed, pointing at Raymond’s train which launched him into an explanation that it was NOT a steam engine Deborah this was a much more high tech model, you see- “I’d like chips please.” Kevin asked, swinging his legs. “Finally, someone normal-” Jake sighed. “But none with flavor. If you only have those disgusting red hot or barbeque chips then please don’t get me any.” “You’re all wastes of youth…” Jake groaned. “I..I want um..” Martin piped up, looking nervous in the same way his mother did. Perpetually. “Uh…” “He wants a lollipop.” Kevin said, annoyed by his brother’s hesitance. Martin nodded, relieved to not have to talk anymore. “Okay, I’ll be right back!” Amy said, repeating the orders as she walked back down the hall.

#wip #my writing #au where kevin and holt are kids #jake and amy have a season 1 dynamic #not very motivated to finish this...I like the au though maybe I'll write it differently #b99 fic #Kevin is a million percent a little terror who can turn on the charm when needed #Holt is.......he's always been Holt

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frighthouseofalighthouse · 5 years

Note

I'M GONNA DO IT TO EM' ALL ASKS THAT YOU REBLOG TONIGHT TILL 10 AM TOMORROW.... DO THEM!!!!

Hey, you had to do it to ‘em! Here they are starting with the most recent.

“Weird asks that say a lot”

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs because you can use them for everything. Teacups are too small for a proper cuppa.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars always.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum, which I miss so much. I haven’t had it in over 2 years bc of my braces

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I didn’t go to public school but all the adults who dealt with me said I was sociable and tried to get everyone to do the group projects but no one listened so I ended up sitting alone reading and quietly doing the project.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Glass BOTTLES make it taste superior.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel boho preppy goth best describes my style.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds, but only rubber tipped ones. The plastic ones never fit in my ears. Also headphones never cover my whole ear right. :/

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows keep my attention span better.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Brewing thunderstorms.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. But trampoline if I had to pick.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Scrambled eggs, peanut butter toast, and some kind of fruit.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My main one is Things You Love. My one for writing is Queen And Country, and my other two favorites are Summer Songs and A Queen Knows How To Fight A War.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring, lanyards get in the way.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

OH MAN. To Kill A Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, Fahrenheit 451, The Grapes Of Wrath, and The Handmaid’s Tale were definitely my top 5 in English class.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Curled up sideways in an armchair with my legs slung over the arm. Sitting normally sucks.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Either pair of my black boots, or my pink floral Skechers that I wear to work.

18. ideal weather?

60 degrees, cloudy, windy, with a chance of rain.

19. sleeping position?

On my right side, arms around a fluffy pillow, one leg out straight and the other drawn up with my knee to my chest.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I’m trying to exercise my hand and wrist so I don’t tire as quick of notebook writing, though.

21. obsession from childhood?

History, Nancy Drew books, Harry Potter, and ghost stories.

22. role model?

The person I am but don’t think I am.

23. strange habits?

Pulling my shirt collar up over my nose and mouth/putting it in my mouth and chewing on it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst, my birthstone! Close second is blue goldstone. (Have you ever seen it? It looks like the universe. I have a worrystone made of blue goldstone and it’s one of my prized possessions.)

25. first song you remember hearing?

Something from church probably. Outside of church probably one of these: If I Had A Hammer // Peter, Paul and Mary, Puff The Magic Dragon // Peter, Paul and Mary, Scarborough Fair // Simon & Garfunkel, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald // Gordon Lightfoot.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Sit in the shade.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Drink tea, read, and play either Pokemon or Nancy Drew and the Clue Benders Society on my 3DS.

28. five songs to describe you?

The Pines // Roses & Revolutions, I Am Here // Pink, Walk Me Home // Pink, Call Home // Heathers (not the musical), Traveler’s Song // Aviators

29. best way to bond with you?

Talk to me about history, crime, musicals, books, or tv shows

30. places that you find sacred?

Natural swamps. Libraries. Old, overgrown gardens. Anywhere historic. Pine forests at dusk. Anywhere under a clear night sky.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A plaid shirt, black leggings, and black boots with dark neutral lipstick and a black choker.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre she vocado, BENTLEY NOOOOO, uhhh I sure hope it does, the one of Lin Manuel-Miranda trying to brainstorm, and this bitch empty YEEt

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Idk how to find this out

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Idk if this is just a local thing here but WOW ITS NATURESTONE

35. average time you fall asleep?

12-1 nowadays.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I can haz cheezburger

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Depends. Suitcase for things like my laptop that are better protected than in a duffel bag, but duffel bag otherwise because they’re easier to carry.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Both please

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

My house? We had a safe word when we did math. It was “quokka.” If we got overwhelmed we’d say it and then stop and look at pictures of quokkas.

41. last person you texted?

My friend and coworker.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Cardigan or hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Lavender

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It takes me a bit to get into fantasy books usually, but sci-fi is hard to follow and superhero is mostly predictable.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Fuzzy pants and a t shirt

47. favorite type of cheese?

Muenster, parmesan, or goat cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“I have no country to fight for. My country is the earth, and I am a citizen of this world.” - Eugene V. Debs

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A weird local political ad a couple years back.

51. current stresses?

My recent breakup, an overnight shift I work on Wednesday night, and trying to find time to go out to a corn maze with my friend.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Covered in small cuts and scrapes from work, nails picked short, black nail polish mostly peeled off.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

babysitting job: Kids suck never have more than one. Retail job: being on your fee it hardddd

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast or Rapunzel

56. favorite tradition?

Looking at Halloween decorations

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Cutting, being manipulated by my dad, and letting other people make me believe I wasn’t good enough (still working on that one)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle-solving, singing, and calligraphy

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Oh shit waddup”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

One of those preppy gothic private school animes with a dark secret lurking around the corner

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Book: “Ignoring isn’t the same as ignorance. You have to work at it.” - The Handmaid’s Tale. Movie: “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman. TV Show: “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Remus Lupin, Richard Gansey III, Blue Sargent, Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Same five that I said describe me.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkinz and the old American Girl site circa 2009.

65. any permanent scars?

One down my chest from heart surgery as a baby, lots from self harm on my arms/legs, some on my left knee from falling as a kid, and one on the back of my right heel from being pecked by a goose at the fair when I was 11.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Sunflowers, roses, and dahlias.

67. good luck charms?

Myself.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Ranch anything.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Jellyfish have no brains and no heart.

70. left or right handed?

I’m third generation left handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

Vertical stripes.

72. worst subject?

Math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

7. Usually I just ignore it because I have a “high pain tolerance” (which means I like to put myself through minor pains because I think I deserve it)

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

Age 5. I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball and it came out.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

ALL POTATOES EXCEPT POTATO SALAD

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Violets.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither, both suck equally.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school id so I guess the license

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth tones for me

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

...They are literally the same thing

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

Writing. I absolutely cannot draw.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so obnoxious.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie. The clothes are easier to take on and off. I used to accidentally rip polly pocket clothes all the time.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology. I like it because it explains things, it’s creation stories, its origins. Fairy tales are just fantasies or cautionary tales.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies.

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, drowning, and clowns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and historian.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom.

90. luckiest mistake?

Not succeeding in killing myself!

91. boxes or bags?

Bags.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Dim lamps if they have yellow bulbs. I hate white lights. And also fairy lights yes please.

93. nicknames?

Ellie, Ell, Little Lion, Lioness.

94. favorite season?

FALLLLL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, Spotify, or Instagram.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

Revolutionary War-era America or late Victorian England.

THIS GOT REALLY LONG AND I DONT WANNA HIT THE TEXT BLOCK LIMIT SO IMMA DO ALL THE HALLOWEEN ONES SEPARATELY, MAYBE IN THE MORNING.

#a series of essays anonymously published

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littleangel4996 · 5 years

Text

My Fate Pt 2

Summary: After your trip to the grocery store, you find Selene digging the gardens again. But what you find leaves you clueless

After having the movers help move my new stuff in that Coco helped pick out for me from letgo, I finally was settled in as I plop myself on the couch and Selene hopped on my stomach while I turn on the TV. Nothing good was on except Sabrina the teenage witch so that one is good.

This show reminded me of Selene and I but except she doesn't talk .

Beep beep

My phone goes off. I take it out of my pocket and saying it's Queenie on Skype. I pressed the button and it was Queenie and the girls. Both of them sitting on her bed squealing and saying hi.

"oh hey girls"

"Hey (y/n) how are you and Selene settled in your new home" asked Zoe.

"The house is perfect from the outside and inside, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a big kitchen with a dining room and a living room. Plus the backyard came with a rose garden" I explained.

"Any cute shirtless boys in your area" of course Madison would ask that question but I gotta love her. When she said that she got glares and a shut up from Queenie.

"What, she needs to get that big-" before Madison could finish her sentence she was hit with a pillow by none other than Misty.

" Oh my God girls, you are too much" I laughed.

" We must visit you one day " Nan said in her happy voice.

"I know, I'm already missing you".

"We really miss ya doll, hope ya make the time to come out here" Misty says.

"Yeah it's totally quiet here. It's going to be weird without your loud music blaring, your jokes and pranks" Mallory said.

"Oh, Girls listen quit mopping around because of me I mean look were talking and we're laughing and all. This isn't goodbye, I'm still going to see my sisters one day" I said smiling.

" Oh god, we love and miss you (y/n)" Coco said almost about to tear up and Mallory held her close .

" Oh I almost forgot, how is supreme Cordelia and Myrtle" I asked.

" The ladies went out for a grocery run but they said they will contact you when they can" Queenie answered.

"Oh okay, well sorry I have to go now and feed Selene and I so chat later girls" as we both said our goodbyes, I picked up the phone to looked up grocery stores near me as I go up stairs to my bedroom and order myself a Uber. I've found a Ralphs near by typed the direction to where I need to go.

It said the driver will be here about 3 minutes. Cool, that gives me enough time to quickly get out of my jeans and my FOB t-shirt and change into my yellow sundress leaving on my black and white sneakers and putting on my Jean jacket .

---2 to 3 from the grocery store---

I thanked the Uber driver for the ride and helping me with the groceries before he drove off. Damn I've never seen a grocery store packed. In New Orleans, their market was small and not a lot of whole people. I pull out my house key out of my jean jacket as I insert it into the keyhole and unlocking it. I came inside, going to the kitchen to set down the three bags of groceries. I thought frozen pizza would be easy meal to cook. And as for Selene, I got her friskies dry and wet food.

I pulled out four boxes of pizza, to see which ones I should have. Either pineapple, meat lovers, cheese or supreme. Hmm..I think I'm going to go with the supreme. Every time I see supreme pizza I think of the supreme witch. I don't know why but I always make a joke about supreme pizza between supreme witch.

I shoved that in the oven and start to put the food and things for the house. I even bought Selene a pink brush with red hearts on them and a pet stuffy mouse to play with.

Speaking of Selene, where is she ?

"Selene. Selene darling " I called to her but no meow or no padding steps. That's so odd of Selene. Every time I come home she always comes to me. Maybe she's sleeping. I came out of the kitchen going to go upstairs to see if she is laying in her bed until I found the backdoor opened. Odd, I thought I closed it before the movers came. I turned my direction from the stairs to the back door. I felt a chill, making me flatten my yellow sundress.

But once I came out to the backyard I found Selene digging out what I could not believe my eyes . Selene. Digging out. Fucking. Deceased animals.

"SELENE!" I ran to her as I picked her up away from their rotten cats, rats and dogs. They were all scattered. So that's what was under the rose plants.

"Selene what is all this and why did you -" Wait a sec...Was this the reason why for the bad energy going on in the house, was because of the Dead animals. By the looks of these poor animals they were brutally killed.

"Who would do such a thing ?" I asked myself. Did the people who sold me this house knew and not told me or they did not know about this ? Maybe the person that lived here was psycho or serious issues...maybe both.Well I don't know what to do I mean, I just can't put them back where Selene found them because then I would feel like shit for doing that. I'm a softy when it comes to poor animals like these. Maybe there is another way but I haven't used this spell in a while. It is the ability to balance life's scale and return someone from the dead. I drop to my knees in front of the Dead letting Selene step aside.

I first clear my mind and let only the positive thoughts flow through my mind, placing my flat palms on the grass and start to perform this wonder as I whisper the two words.

"vitalum vitalis".

I feel the shiver as the cold wind blew at my direction almost making my dress go up. I start to see the animals start to form into their normal selves, undoing the wounds that they had. The animals I've brought back to life start to scurry away, hopping over the white fence. Selene went inside the house, probably waiting for a bath. The thought of coming inside a warm house and giving Selene a bath was soon cut off when I felt something grab ahold of both of my ankles making me fall to the ground. I quickly look to see...hands and a head coming out of the ground? What the fuck. My fear got the better of me as I start to scream, trying so hard to get away from what ever is trying to do God knows what. I look anywhere to see a hard object to find to hit the person but no luck.

Unless

I try to turn myself around and knock him out. I followed my instinct, squirming a little until I got room to turn myself around and fist him square in the jaw as he fell to the ground. But he was still awake. Wait, he? A boy? Well more like a man....hold up he was burried too, the fuck is going on here.

" Ow, please don't hurt me I I didn't mean to scare you please" he whimpered as I crouch down to meet eye level with the man thats covered in dirt but I can still make of his handsomely beautiful features, piercing blue eyes, golden blonde hair. He wears a jean jacket with a yellow shirt and khakis plus he's barefooted.

" Hey hey, it's okay you are okay. Can you tell me you're name sir" I asked. He calms himself down making, eye contact with me as I placed my hands on his shoulders.

"M-Michael, Michael Langdon".

Finally, part 2 is up. Plus what took me forever to get this part right was Everytime I tried to save it sometimes won't save and I have to start over again and my brain is like on fire but I finally got it saved and it's ready. Part 3 will be coming next week or weekend.

And here's a picture of Michael to say I'm sorry

@barbie-solecism

@sodanova

@yourkingcodyfern

@kylolangdon

@theghostoflangdon

@miskwaadesiwag

@whysosadmcfly

@creativedogs

@kaccatus

@lxngdonscoven

@captainskyline

@gracethegeek9902

@castiel-saved-me-from-myself

@edward-nygma-is-my-addiction

@let-me-try-mom

@amortentiaxo

@langdonsdemon

@poisedphantom

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme

#fanfiction #fluff #romance #love #ahs coven #coven #witchcraft #witch!reader #michael langdon fluff #michael langdon x reader #drama #american horror story #horror #my fate fanfic #fallenangel4996 #myfate pt2 #fallenangel4996 masterlist

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onegayastronaut · 5 years

Text

Better Together (Once Upon a Time Imagine)

Requested by anon: I’m challenging you to write a one-shot that’s a modern version of the 1985 movie The Breakfast Club with Once Upon A Time characters as normal teens in high school who aren’t fairytale characters. Belle is a nerd. Emma is the captain of the girls’ basketball team. Ariel is the basket case. Aurora is a prep. Ruby is a troublemaking punk. They spend a Saturday in detention and learn they have more in common than they thought. Purely platonic, no romance, no basket case getting a makeover.

Words: 1494

Detention was something that most of the students at school has gone through at least once. However, there were some students who found themselves in detention more often than others. It was on this particular Saturday that a particular group of students found themselves heading towards a dreary classroom reserved for students who had caused trouble during the week.

Belle couldn't believe that she had to spend her Saturday in detention of all places. She was a good student! Who had the vocabulary of someone who was in college! She knew that she was only here because she talked back to a teacher who gave her a lower grade than she deserved. It was just ridiculous that she had to be punished for dishing out the truth. If anything, it was that teacher who should be sitting here.

Emma fiddled with the edge of her varsity jacket. She didn't even want to be here at school, mainly because no one here was cool enough for her. Being the star basketball player should have afforded her certain benefits, including being exempt from any detention. Ever. But apparently, that's not the case, as she found herself being driven against her will to Saturday detention for skipping class. Her teammates had convinced her that they could skip class to hang out by the local river, and they had a swell time just throwing random things into the river. Emma didn't understand why her parents decided to be such hardasses about skipping class. Her other teammates skated past the situation with a slap on the wrist at most. Her parents were so annoying.

Ariel hated school. Everyone was so fake with each other that they didn't know where the act ended and where their real personalities began. Ariel never talked much, but that was more out of choice than necessity. What other people her age found interesting was exceptionally boring to her. It wasn't like Ariel couldn't see how the other kids looked at her. People thought she was a freak and a little weird at best. She was just too mature to engage with that type of behavior and shrugged it off for the most part.

Aurora couldn't believe that she was stuck with this bunch of losers. Being a cheerleader, she was used to being the top girl in any situation, but apparently, none of these girls would pay her any mind. It was frustrating, to say the least. The only person that she felt a bit of a connection to was Emma, but that was only because she knew what being in sports was like. But aside from that, Aurora couldn't be bothered with these losers. She refocused on applying her lipstick while ignoring everyone else in the room.

Ruby refused to sit in any chair designated for her. With her bright red lipstick and a matching fiery attitude, Ruby refused to take any type of authority seriously. She couldn't wait to leave high school. It wasn't like she had anything in common with these rich, self-absorbed assholes anyway. Impressing people has always been a waste of time, and she was definitely not going to start now that graduation was so near.

---------

After the asshole of a teacher Mr. Vargas left the room, each of the girls looked at the board in absolute boredom. None of them wanted to start the essay about how they ended up here in Saturday detention, and they were not about to actually start talking to one another. The fact that they were so different made the idea seem absolutely ridiculous.

Being the perpetually bored rebel that she was, Ruby started throwing little bits of paper at pretty much everyone at the room. It wasn't until she threw a wad at Aurora that she finally managed to get a response.

"Hey, loser! Can you watch where you throw those things? I'm actually trying to look good here."

"No amount of makeup can hide that ugly personality Aurora." Ruby's sneer was evident to anyone who bothered to turn around and look.

"At least I have friends who want to talk to me, unlike some people who are stuck here every weekend."

"Oh, you think that hurts my feelings? You're the one with all of those fake Barbie friends. Are you sure you guys can tell each other apart?"

"Guys, guys stop! Can you both stop arguing?" Emma looked like she under torture for just sitting there.

"Nice to see the local jock is intelligent enough to piece together a sentence."

"Shut up Aurora!" This time, both Ruby and Emma seemed to have something to say to the local queen bee.

This argument was followed by about an hour and a half of silence. It only seemed like Belle had started writing the essay, as everyone else was just lounging around staring off into space.

After another fifteen minutes of dead silence, Ruby finally managed to say, "What are you all doing here anyway? Aren't you all supposed to be the prodigal rich kids who never get into any sort of trouble?"

"I'm here because I talked back to a teacher for a grade that I received." Belle couldn't look at anyone in the eye as she spoke.

"Quiet Belle? Talking back to a teacher?" Ruby looked shocked.

"And why are you here? I wouldn't be surprised if you were here every single week."

"Well, according to the teachers and administration of this cesspool they call a school, I am a consistent troublemaker who has no regard for rules. Which would explain why I'm here more often than any other party you all might be invited to."

"That makes sense," Aurora scoffed. Seeing that all eyes have turned to her, she rolled her eyes and spoke. "Well, I guess it's my turn. I'm here because apparently, I bullied some girl in class, and my parents couldn't get me out of here. I don't even know what exactly I did wrong, all I know is that I'm stuck here with you guys here today."

Emma simply raised her eyebrows as everyone turned to look at her. "What, you guys want me to just spill my guts out to everyone?" Seeing people nod in her direction, Emma just gave out a long sigh. "Well, I'm here because I skipped out on class with some of my friends. The reason why none of them are here is that my parents thought it would be nice for me to 'face the consequences for my actions', whatever the hell that means. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here because I don't think I deserve it."

"Deserve what?" Everyone turned around to just stare. It was so rare to hear Ariel talk that it was a shock to actually hear her voice. "What? All of you assume that you are somehow immune to the consequences of your actions, and then there are other people who actually have to live their lives on their own."

"And why are you here, Ariel?"

"I'm here because I honestly have nowhere better to be. I don't have the best home life, so being here at school is safer than being at home."

There was a period of silence as everyone considered what to say. All of them had given Ariel a dirty look in the past, but they never bothered to consider why she was that way. Now that they knew, they all felt bad for their actions.

"I'm sorry about that Ariel." Aurora seemed to actually mean that this time.

"I don't have the best home life either." Ruby took out another lollipop. "At least now I know I'm not alone in that regard."

"My mom has a lot of expectations from me," Emma stared at the paper. "She wants me to be more like her, but I'm not my mom. It sucks trying to impress her when all she wants is for me to be a fake version of myself."

"We all have shitty parents, alright." Aurora sat on her desk and sighed. "No one really likes their parents. Except maybe for little Belle here."

"I never said I liked being with my parents."

"Is that why your head is constantly buried inside a pile of books?"

Belle silently nodded as the rest of the group lapsed into a comfortable silence. After a minute, Aurora awkwardly cleared her throat as she looked around at the other students.

"It seems like we have more in common than we thought."

"I guess so." Ariel still looked doubtful as to whether or not she wanted to know these people.

"Does anyone want to take shots at the trash can with paper balls?" Emma looked excited to make these new people her friends.

"Only a basketball jock would think of something like that as fun. But I'm down if everyone else is." Aurora plopped down next to Emma as everyone else gathered around. Saturday detention didn't seem too bad after all.

#emma swan #emma swan imagine #belle gold #belle gold imagine #princess aurora #aurora imagine #ariel #ariel imagine #Ruby Lucas #ruby lucas imagine #once upon a time #once upon a time imagine #ouat #ouat imagine

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misscrawfords · 5 years

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I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward!

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.

#The Christmas Wedding Planner #I can't believe how long I've spent on this #literally hours #I am wasted as a teacher #I should write Hallmark movies #I know this is Netflix not Hallmark but let's no quibble over details #Netflix should be able to do better #I'm tempted to write this #I mean I think the plot would be sufficiently different to the original I think I could get aaway with it

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thetravellingvagrant · 5 years

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Day 17- Salzburg: In Which I Meet A One Eyed Monster

I decided to get myself out into Salzburg to explore early, today. Partially because I had already grown intensely tired of my new dorm-mates despite none of them having done anything particularly egregious, but also because, given how much I was paying to stay in this city, it seemed like it would just be a waste not to. I had planned a full-on touriststravaganza for my first day here, with nary a ring-road or random bog in sight. My plan then, based almost entirely on word-of-mouth recommendations was as follows; I would take a walk through Mirabelle gardens, situated not too far from my hostel and supposedly quite pleasant on my way to the Natural History (and Science) museum of Salzburg, which I had been told was a particularly excellent example of natural history (and also science) museums. After spending a few hours there, I would climb up to the Hohensalzburg castle, which had been leering down at me from the mountainout centre of the old-town since I had arrived, daring me to come and see it, if I was hard enough. Once I had had my fill of the thrill of being slightly elevated I would meander back down and have a stroll along the street on which Mozart was born and had now become a tat-hive of the highest order before finally, getting myself a lovely meal and heading back to my shitty little hostel which cost the earth.

I arrived at Mirabelle gardens not long after my plan was finalised. To be honest, I didn't spend very long there at all. Perhaps it was more spectacular during the summer, but I found the entire experience, as I did the gardens themselves, flat and uninspiring.

4/10

That didn't stop other tourists from taking a constant and steady stream of photographs, though. Of what, I am not sure; there didn't appear to be really anything of aesthetic interest within a hundred foot radius of the place, but snap away they did.

Disappointed with the gardens, though secretly a bit pleased to have freed up a little more time to spend on my other, more interesting activities, I walked briskly to the Natural History (and also Science as well) museum, paid nearly £10 to get in and, grumbling at how expensive literally everything is here, made my way inside.

The very first room of the museum contained an approximately life-sized model of a giant squid (AKAthe best animal and I will hear literally no disagreement from any one of you motherfuckers) hanging from the roof in full attack mode

14/10

so I pretty instantly forgot how much I had just paid and began having an uncharacteristically good time. This...I think humans call it...enjoyment...continued as I progressed further into the museum, also. Fans of terrible taxidermy (and I know there's at least one of you reading this...), I soon realised, would be disappointed with today's blog entry, as this museum was just genuinely very good and very slick. Nearly every exhibit looked like the thing it was supposed to, with no mangled up faces, or eyes popping out or bursting at the seams or anything. There were a...few odd exceptions, sure

I’m naming no names, incredibly buff marmot...

but for the most part, I really couldn't fault the museum. It was entertaining, well laid out and just generally expertly put together. It even had an aquarium (featuring an octopus and everything) and a reptile zoo. It was grand.

Fans of the blog with an extremely long memory, though, may remember on my very first trip, I visited a science museum named...NEMO or something, in Amsterdam, which, although very good on its lower floors, steadily detached itself more and more from reality as one proceeded upwards. Unfortunately for the Salzburg museum of Natural History (and also science, that's there too), though very fortunately for me, it had followed in NEMO's footsteps.

Interesting, well labelled and well thought out exhibits and animal displays petered out after around the third of five floors and gave way to...I'm not really sure what. They stopped signposting things in English after that. It appeared that what I had thought was an exhibit on Africa, though, had slowly transformed into some truly and utterly bizarre musings on mythical creatures- or at least I hoped so as it would go at least some way to explain the following:

Oh...hey, guy...

Then things really fell apart. I walked through rooms full of spooky masks

Ah!

past randomly placed posters full of cryptids

AH!

and...Garfield?

AHHHH!

The fever dream of the 4th floor, however, would pale in comparison to the full on tramadol overdose of the 5th. After meandering through a fairly good bit on the deep sea, the fifth floor straight up shat itself and delivered one of the weirdest and least coherent exhibits on the human body I have ever seen in my life. Pictures, more than words would do the experience justice,

Pictured: My nightmares

though a few highlights included an interactive display on how shit is formed, a pulse reading machine which declared one man who I witnessed use it as legally dead and a room full of stuff on sex and reproduction which boasted a picture of several women in their vests and pants with a button next to each. My best guess and rudimentary understanding of German told me that you press the button next to the woman you find the most attractive. When you did, it would display the stats for each woman and rank them by popularity amongst museum-goers. For anyone that's interested, the busty one was the winner.

Also of note were a series of little keyholes that one could peer through, each one of these tiny windows a porthole to the various stages of doing some sex. The first hole had a little barbie doll applying perfume to herself, the next hole had the same doll, now nude and with nipples amusingly etched onto her in pen, getting banged by a Ken doll. The next was just a picture of some random birds, which seemed...out of place and the final hole had a big collage of...like, leather and handcuffs and various other accoutrements of kink. It was deeply odd and rather jarring, sitting amongst a hitherto fairly child-friendly exhibit on reproduction.

Confused, though fairly sure I had now seen everything (including a wall of taxidermied dogs, positioned like, right next to the sex room) I left the nature part of the museum and checked out the sciency bit. It was shit and I spent very little time there. Overall though, the museum was still very good and probably benefited from all the weird junk in it. I definitely wouldn't forget my visit at the very least...

I had spent too long in the natural history (and hey, guys, don't forget about science!) museum and by the time I left, it was bordering on getting dark. It hardly seemed like it would be worthwhile climbing the big hill to the castle if I left it much longer, so I decided to do that next, postponing food, much to the chagrin of my angry tummy.

The walk up the hill was tiring, though enjoyable and peppered with fairly decent photo-opportunities.

I mean, it’s ait.

and after not-too-long, I arrived at the castle, sweaty, though triumphant. I walked through the main gate and...oh, you needed a ticket. And tickets were 10 euros. And it was only open for another half an hour. Right. Good. Okay, that was worth it. I turned around and headed back down. At least I had had a nice walk...

Yeah. Great.

After a quick stroll through the obsidian-dense crowds populating the street on which Mozart was born and where the sheer quality and quantity of Mozart themed tat you can find is simulatenously both tremendously impressive and utterly depressing

Fuck you.

I headed to a local eatery for food. The diner was fairly low-end; very much your average sort of shitty UK takeaway level of quality, though somehow I still managed to spend over 10 euros on a very basic burger, too-salty fries and a small bottle of water. Oh, Austria!

I returned, very tired and (after those fucking fries) very thirsty, to my dorm. Upon entering, I realised that I was to share the room with some new guests. Three screeching, giggling Australian girls, who were every bit as immediately irritating as they sound. One of them was sitting on my bed.

“Oh, am I on your bed?” she tittered

I was so tired and the transgression so bizarrely rude that all I could muster in response was a gruff “Yes.”

I think she expected me to be better natured about it, but I doubt she would have been so light-hearted about the whole thing if she had returned to discover me sitting on her property, so she could fuck off. She moved from my bed, clearly making a mental note to never speak to me again and I retook my now pre-warmed throne.

I didn't hang around in the room for too long, darting back outside to the hostel's courtyard to quickly make some phone calls before finally returning to the room and to my bed, proper.

The lights were off as I cracked the door open for the second time. The Australian girls had gone to bed , already. It was 8:30pm.

“okay...” I sighed, not willing to take my laptop downstairs, as the only communal space in which I could use it was current;y being used for the nightly broadcast of The Sound Of Music. Yes. Nightly. It looked like I was working in the dark for the rest of the evening.

More irritating, still, was the fact that one of these girls, the one sleeping above me and indeed the bet-sitter extraordinaire had decided to make use of the tiny little nightstand which sat next to my bunk to house her phone for the night. It was very clearly designed to be part of the lower bunk's set-up, but okay, I can just about understand not wanting to sleep with your phone next to you on an upper bunk, I guess. She had, however, neglected to switch it to mute, meaning that with every text, notification or update she got (and she got a stunning amount of these throughout the night and early morning) the phone would vibrate noisily right next to my fucking head, distracting me when I was awake and waking me up when I was asleep. Because there was a physical aspect to the vibration also, earplugs couldn't even block it out fully. It was a lot of fun.

Mercifully though, at around 2am, all her apps had updated, the notifications ceased and people stopped texting her, having received literally no response for the previous six hours and I could finally drift off to sleep, angry and exhausted.

#travelling #vagrant #travel #europe #salzburg #natur haus #natural history museum #science too #hohensalzburg #mozart #tat #duck #rubbish

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steve0discusses · 6 years

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Yugioh S1 Ep 29: Yugi Is Still Having Yet Another Meltdown, But This Time On Stage

In an effort to subdue a sudden onset of my carpal tunnel, lets turn on some anime distraction and see what happens next in Yugioh, shall we?

This episode is pretty short, which is nice considering last episode...kind of a lot. Yugi is back to staring out a window. Who knows how long he’s been standing here, staring out this window, but he’s been doing some very serious reflection about how he really should not murder people.

If only he knew what was going on in Pegasus’ basement. He would feel so much better about his own track record.

He’s been spending so long at this windowsill that all of his friends have decided to check up on him. Not one friend--all the friends, including Bakura, who is still just here in the background as if nothing completely insane happened last episode. I’d say that his friends deciding to not address the (possibly) murderous Pharaoh in the room is down to their minds being wiped, but lets get real, this is them basically all the time.

(read more under the cut)

Look, I’m not really going to go into depth about this because none of these kids hit the attractive meter for me in any way. That, and I know a lot of people think Pharaoh is quite attractive so I don’t want to kink shame anyone at all because if it’s your thing, go right on ahead, like, who cares? We all have our thing. (I mean Basil the mouse was strangely attractive, just putting that out there) But, it does feel like they put a lot of effort into drawing a set of comically graceful barbie legs on Pharaoh. Kind of like...youknow...

Kind of like this? Like this is basically what I see every time Pharaoh comes a walkin’. Thankfully, they did realize these are children so, to compensate for the tightest boot leggings, everyone drawn in this show has the flattest ass I’ve seen drawn.

Anyway, stepping away from butts and back to the adventure, after all this time, is Pharaoh going to own up to his mistakes?

N-no. No, it is not even apparent that Pharaoh even knows what happened or why Yugi muted him out for so many episodes. But he does do this cape thing for some reason. After this scene the cape goes back to being a coat as if someone stepped him to the side and was like “lets talk about how you can’t wear a cape coat when you’re also wearing a full face of eyeliner, two necklaces, four belts, and either no pants or no shoes, depending on whether or not boot leggings are classified as boots or pants.

But do they ever sit him down and say “so...Just FYI...Yugi had a...COUPLE meltdowns regarding you...”? Nope. They just toss him out there. Mind, they might not realize that Yugi and Pharaoh may not know what the other is doing 100% of the time.

Bandit Keith and Joey exchange words. Joey has not caught on that he is missing his card although Bandit Keith makes very heavy hints at it.

I’m the type of person that checks for my wallet and phone about once every 20 minutes, how has Joey not checked to make sure he has his ticket to actually play in this competition? ...Joey...

Anyway, let’s begin. Pegasus looks pretty normal, despite the fact that Bakura wiped his mind just a few hours ago and despite the fact nearly half the cast almost got ritually sacrificed to the shadow realm again (damn, that would have been awkward for Yugi)

I just realized...I’m not 100% sure of Prince Ali’s name in Aladdin. I’ve just assumed Ali Baba my whole life but I don’t remember. hm.

There are two prizes for competing, one prize is money, the other is the right to unseat Pegasus’ “best duelist in the universe” badge and get a magical wish--which seems sort of complicated, but it’s how they’re doing it. But, basically everyone except Yugi is here for the money so that simplifies things for us somewhat.

So, lets start that duel that is going to go really, really well.

It doesn’t, it goes pretty bad. Mai has caught on that Yugi relies on a lot of trap cards, so she pulls out a “remove the trap” card that puts him in sort of an awkward position. So, he plays defensively, which is both thematic of how he doesn’t want to hurt his cards and also of how he doesn’t want to murder the hell out of her with an ancient potentially evil Egyptian spirit.

Surprisingly, the peanut gallery gets like real mean about it. Even Mai, look how pissed they get.

So they do this weird dance where Pharaoh and Yugi kind of struggle to choose the right card, their eyes get real big and shaky, they put a card down, and then immediately go “OH NO CRAP NO WAIT OH DAMN IT. Yugi!? Would you PLEASE let me play my way!?” To the point that they loose muscle control.

So, Mai decides to drop some more hard truths, because she loves lecturing people, and for some reason kinda gets that Yugi has maybe incomplete motivations. Yes, he’s saving his grandpa, but what’s he want for himself?

I don’t know how this happens. How do you get so angry that you fling yourself off of a ledge? A ledge with huuuuge guard rails? Also please note Bakura’s face palm that took both of his palms.

So, until Yugi and Pharaoh get some much needed couple talk time, it looks like the game is a little bit of a standstill. Mostly because he’s too freaked out to draw anything else.

Next week, on Yugioh:

Did Kaiba’s zombie ever learn how to do the dishes? Will Kaiba’s body serve them some hors d'oeuvres (which would be, of course, cheese)? Will his and Mokuba’s zombie bodies hang out and be better brothers than actual Kaiba and Mokuba.

#yugioh #yugioh recap #Photo recap #s1 ep29 #Joey Wheeler #Tea Gardner #yugi muto #Pegasaus #bakura #mai valentine #Bandito Keith #croquet

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nanyoky · 6 years

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hey gang guess who’s sick in bed and therefore not drinking but is definitely getting Fever Weird which is the next best thing really

No it’s not i’m sick as a dog and fucking miserable and probably not going to be as much fun as usual, full disclosure. Instead of sushi and cider like my usual wednesdays, i’m having tang and saltines so.... cheers.

also i want you all to know there were no working links so i had to wait for the official cw stream to go up like a pauper come on team it’s 2018 we’re better than this

mayor mac and the lodges are still in cahoots and now v knows why but you know who doesn’t yet? ME THAT’S WHO

oh wow so that’s penelope’s deal now

this is- in a darkly hilarious way- the photo negative of season one keller boys “no cruising guys today kiddo” “good GAWD dad”. “i may be a widow but i can still fucking PULL” “good GAWD mom”

i should not be laughing but oh my god CHERYL’S FACE jesus h christ

it’s veronica’s job to keep next gen riverdale chill “when the news breaks” ruh-roh

did archie say he’s going to start a band “of redheads”? so just- him on guitar and cheryl screaming into the mic like a kraken? that’s the only possibility i can envision

“are you upset?” “upset? ronnie, i’m crazy about you” that is a suburban white mom level of non-answer, archie- stop hanging out with alice cooper

RED ALERT KEVIN READS CLIVE BARKER NOVELS AND MY LOVE FOR HIM GROWS EVEN MORE

awkward betty and archie eye contact is almost as obvious as veronica’s stilted forced “we should probably all stay calm....” to the room at large

((the saltines went over pretty well so i think i’mma try some chicken nuggest pray for me team))

“my home is a dickensian nightmare- i won’t have my school turn into one too!” there is just... so much here. short version: cheryl’s origin story is that of the classic highschool bully: not in control of her home life, so enacts violent control over her school. in this way she has not changed. also jesus christ she’s so fucking dramatic i love her like this is in any way her problem but she’s automatically FURIOUS about it. but also just: wow cheryl hates poor people.

“of course. we’re fine.” kevin’s skeptical face (tm) is mint. top shelf. the good shit.

“jones- this is very lovecraftian, which i’m sure was the intention.” toni has jughead Figured Out, and i’m not sure he’s comfortable with that.

*jake peralta voice* toni- first off your insinuating voice is way too high you sound like meryl streep in mama mia

oh my god sweetpea and fangs are just so dumb. so pretty and so dumb. just because you two wear leather jackets and flannel doesn’t mean you’re not dumb jocks. i’m calling it: sweetpea/reggie. can you imagine the angry makeouts???? so much angry repressed sexuality.

toni’s face of “oh god why are you morons celebrating” is some of the best we’ve seen of her so far my hopes are high for next gen serpent characterization with this plotline

WHAT DOES HIRAM NEED ALL THIS LAND FOR?!?!?!?!?!

POLLY MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh wow yeah actress must have gotten a better gig or something and is only available for a cameo or two if a show as drama loving as RIVERDALE is keeping the birth of twins offscreen

THE LEADERS OF THE FARM?????? NO. NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

“juniper and dagwood” *betty face*

also yes polly you are in a cult get your babies and LEAVE. go hang out with smithers and joaquin whom i command are safe and happy and healthy wherever they are

“that’s mine by the way” FUCKIN COLD.

FINALLY someone other than the sheriff’s office is getting involved in how fucking SHADY this “small” town is

“is this even legal, what you’re asking me to do?” SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE IS HERE TO STAY I LOVE SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE WHO HAS LEARNED NOT TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING ADULTS TELL HIM AT FACE VALUE

oh nevermind one seed of doubt and he’s back. poor boy. sweet boy. dumb boy.

oh nooooo freddddd

fp in his adorkable pop’s uniform smugly nudging about betty is a great moment everyone deserves an in-law that loves them like fp loves betty

please tell me “doctor beeker” is their actual science teacher’s name

we all know that finding the lost cooper brother is going to do ANYTHING but make alice a happier, more stable person right this is not going to end well

i mean even if he wasn’t a minor and using him to get information from a dangerous criminal was a profoundly shitty thing to do, the fbi could have picked literally anyone in town that would have been a better double agent because this is.... not a subtle conversation.

GREAT SONG CHOICE FOR THE SERPENTS’ INTRO TO RHS ((my mom had a tape with this song on it that she’d play to get me pumped for kindergarten))

okay i’m only going to say this once and then probably once more in the scorecard but: how much better would this mixed school plot have been if JOAQUIN WAS STILL IN TOWN?!?!?! the joy and comedy if he and kevin got back together?? the ANGST IF THEY DIDN’T?!?!?!?!?! i am CHEATED. LAID LOW. BITCHSLAPPED.

THAT BEING SAID: this is so good already. serpents swaggering in. veronica’s stepford forced cheer. cheryl and reggie STRUTTING to create conflict.

toni’s face upon gazing at cheryl once more is just so very gay. angry gay. furious that she has to see those mile long legs again.

“no one invited facist barbie to the party” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "ragamuffins” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh archie. so pure. so ineffective. as always.

did jughead just sidehug sweetpea away from conflict are they there now

i haven’t been paying enough attention to outfits so far but the placement of cheryl’s iconic spider broach not over her heart like a normal broach, but ON HER SHOULDER LIKE IT’S CRAWLING was a topnotch choice by wardrobe

again this is some classic response to sexual assault in the category of “well that’s unfortunate” until it’s about someone close to you come on archie you’re better than this.

which of course reinforces cheryl’s “me against the world” attitude because NO ONE SEEMS TO FUCKING CARE that she was attacked except veronica and the cats

“of the park avenue lodges” juggie. not helping. although i’d like to think jughead has mentioned veronica enough that toni knows this is just mild teasing between unlikely friends

josie’s awkward “now just... josie...” BROKE MY HEART

“joaquin and i used to hang out. talked about you all the time” OF COURSE HE FUCKING DID THAT POOR BOY WAS *ELIZA SCHUYLER VOICE* HELPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS. also i’m so happy joaquin has FRIENDS that hopefully still keep in touch please just someone check on him i miss my gay biker leo

godfuckingdammit reggie

“no more serpent jackets” okay- okay- i really need to ask the writers to go to a real high school just once. once. in what world would they have not made this a rule already???? i got in trouble in middleschool for wearing a bandana okay and i was a weird horse girl and LOOKED IT.

is josie hanging out with the core four+kevin because cheryl’s weirdness was scaring her off and the cats have cut all ties? has she lost her entire support network??? i’m worried about alpha kitty guys include her in stuff

jughead is #worked up and toni is having none of it thank god for toni

“i just need to borrow one of jason’s blazers” thank GOD they haven’t abandoned creepy ties between jason and archie. please someone share my half baked conspiracy theory that they were switched at birth and archie is the real blossom twin

juggie. i love you. i genuinely do. but you are being a prime fucking asshole right now.

i was rolling my eyes so hard at jughead’s bullshit i almost missed sweetpea’s turtleneck which would have been a TRAGEDY

this separation between jughead’s attitude and the rest of the serpents is finally bringing to light what has bothered me about his plot this season so far. he’s so fucking desperate to fit into his role as the heir apparent to the gang but he doesn’t actually know shit about being in a gang and being in danger all the time. for all he grew up poor his has this really privileged attitude and i can’t wait for toni and co. to just tell him to sit down and shut up because believe it or not his actions have consequences

OH MY GOD VERONICA’S SOLUTION IS MAKEOVERS BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS

i was going to say “what they didn’t call ahead???” but of course not. cooper women do not call ahead

i mean we all knew this wasn’t going to go well and i think a lot of us thought it might be a possibility but...... umm.... heavens.... golly.... that.... that uh... looks like.... ayoungblondskeetulrich. .....jinkies.

oh god why do we have two prostitution plotlines in one episode why why is this a thing in riverdale now

on a lighter note they are hitting into my nostalgia funny bone hard this ep with the game in the whyte wurm being mortal combat ii it’s been years since i’ve gazed on those pixilated icons of my childhood

fp giving you advice on doing the smart thing instead of your kneejerk reaction to a shit situation is a real lowpoint i hope you realize that juggie

again, as heavy as it is, i’m glad they don’t shy away from the dreaded “R” bomb with this nick plotline. like characters seem hesitant to say it in a realistic way, but they do use it which keeps it from feeling like the creators trying to write around controversy

i like that they’re acknowledging it’s pretty shitty of archie to not care until it’s about veronica it feels like brewing #character development

BAHAHAHA TONI AND SWEETPEA LOOK ADORABLY HORRIBLE THIS PLOTLINE IS BLESSED

I mean don’t get me wrong, i love seeing nick get beat up as much as anyone else, but archie should have def talked to veronica before all that and she’s right to be upset

yess betty goin to rescue her bro and showing up in the suspiciously convenient nick of time i love it

archie being a good boy and clearing the air about the kiss before things get out of hand but also.... not mentioning the fbi agent after her dad is such a very riverdale thing to do

omg they’re making a d&d cover group i lied i’m bringing it up again HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE JOAQUIN HERE FOR THIS WHEN HIS BOYFRIEND IS A CERTIFIED D&D NERD CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THE BANTER

BLOSSOMS JESUS H CHRIST

god this poor lost cooper boy this is the most awkward situation ever because you know alice and hal are not going to handle this well and you know betty is going to try too hard to make it work and you know chic is probably involved in some stuff that will be Plot (tm) later on and this is just A Lot

archie.....

chic..... (we’re supposed to find this threatening, but psych, chic is noticing all the suspiciously different features they have almost like they might be half siblings instead of full siblings.....)

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: None

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: Do i have to fucking elaborate YES okay goddammit someone better be working on a “joaquin never left” au to fit in with this serpents at rhs plot as we speak or i will be MOST CROSS.

Episode Hair MVP: Toni’s was looking particularly nice today

Episode Outfit MVP: sweetpea’s turtleneck. hands down. but with a close second being the placement of cheryl’s spider.

Episode Cast/Crew Shoutout: soundtrack was better than it has been this season- good choices there.

#nell liveblogs #long post #unsubtle highschool suburban gothic of my dreams #riverdale #riverdale season 2 #riverdale spoilers

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risingphoenix87 · 5 years

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Awesomely bad songs? I think not... (Reposted from February with edits

Hey kids! Your Auntie Phoenix is bored, and rather than something constructive, I thought I’d kill my time with this. So I’ve been rewatching some of those old VH-1 lists I used to watch in my teen years (many…eons ago). And one such list was one they compiled with the now-defunct Blender Magazine of the 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Yeah…there are a handful of actually bad songs on this list and then…yeah, let me just give you my thoughts.

(You can watch the video here if you care to- https://youtu.be/pMBSGFOqiAI)

50. Corey Hart - I Wear My Sunglasses at Night: It’s…fine. It’s kind of weird how the Z-list commentators just focused on the concept of wearing sunglasses at night…not actually proving this song is bad.

49. Puff Daddy f/ Faith Evans & 112 - I’ll Be Missing You: This is…just uncomfortable. Yeah, he took a creepy-as-fuck stalker song and turned it into a loving tribute to a friend. And they actually had the gall to say the sample was more shameless than Vanilla Ice (oh, we’ll get to HIM later).

48. Michael Bolton - Can I Touch You There: It’s fine. Not my thing, but it’s okay.

(by the way, the bald commentator guy is trying waaaayyy too much to sound like Lewis Black…except he’s not funny)

47. Bobby Brown w/Whitney Houston - Something in Common: Yeah, it’s…uncomfortable.

46. Spin Doctors - Two Princes: Oh, step off, you music snobs! This song is fun!

45. Ruben Studdard - I’m Sorry: I remember this song being on the radio all the time when I was in high school; I never thought it was a bad song. I wonder what happened to him…

44. Billy Joel - We Didn’t Start The Fire: What are these people smoking?

(yeah, the cola wars line wasn’t what made him lose it, smartass)

43. Master P feat. Silkk, Fiend, Mia-x & Mystikal - Make Em Say Uhh: Yeah…not good…that sound is the one I make when I’m getting PMS boob pain.

42. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe: Yes, this song sucks.

41. JC Chasez - Some Girls (Dance with Women): Yeah, this song is trash.

40. 4 Non Blondes - What’s Up: This song is GRATING.

39. Snow - Informer: More trash.

38. Ja Rule - Mesmerize: None of them actually proved this song was bad (also funny that the announcer called Ja Rule “wussy,” like she’d ever say that to his face and not clutch her purse, running to the other side of the street). And to the Karen who made cracks about Ashanti swooning over the lyric “I got a fetish for fucking you with your skirt off...” um, some girls and fems are into that...not naming names...

37. Bette Midler - From a Distance: Ms. Midler’s music isn’t for me…but it’s fine…and don’t most theists consider God watching them a comforting thought rather than a voyeuristic one?

36. Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up: Again, it’s fine. A nice summer song.

35. Don Johnson - Heartbeat: It’s nothing that bad. It’s kind of the ‘80s embodied in a song (esp. with the music video).

34. Crazytown - Butterfly: This song is awful…and I adore it.

33. Jennifer Lopez - Jenny from the Block: All these people did was whinge about how dishonest the song was. I’m not honestly bothered by that; I don’t care that Jennifer Lopez doesn’t bring old friends from the Bronx to her mansions or yachts (because, apparently unlike these commentators, I’m not a child who lives with her head up her own ass). The song is fun enough with a good beat.

32. Mr. Mister - Broken Wings: Another classic piece of the ‘80s. Also funny how they whine about this being a stalker song after sucking off The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” near the top of the hour.

31. R. Kelly - You Remind Me of Something: I agree. #MuteRKelly

30. Nelly - Pimp Juice: Not my thing; Nelly has better songs than this (although the comments are fucking cringy).

29. Meatloaf - I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t do That): Again, I ask, WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE SMOKING???!! And...he DOES say what he won’t do for love; the way his lover made him feel.

28. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up: This song was bad before meme culture bled it dry.

27. Wreckx-N-Effect - Rump Shaker: Not for me.

26. Bryan Adams - The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me is You: This song sounds like a pick-up line Will Smith would say on Fresh-Prince; Bryan Adams is better than this.

25. Michael Jackson - You Rock My World: It’s honestly fine, but Michael Jackson has done better.

24. Phil Collins - Sussudio: Same; not Phi Collins’ best, but not bad.

23. Sisqo - The Thong Song: Another guilty pleasure (though, TBH, the comments here were kinda funny).

22. Lionel Richie - Dancing on the Ceiling: Not great, but the comments about his no-talent brat of a daughter are already dated AF (does anyone even remember her?).

21. Rembrandts - I’ll Be There For You: It’s from a TV show…so it’s bad? Plenty of TV theme songs are fun to listen to (this one included, and I don’t think I’ve seen more than two episodes of the show).

Also, Gen X “cynicism is good/happiness is for babies” attitude is played out (it was played out in 2004, too; we get it, y’all are bitter because no one knows who you are).

20. Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue: Yeah, this song is jingoistic, warmongering crap.

19. Chicago - You’re the Inspiration: It’s nice enough. These damn music snobs.

18. Hammer - Pumps and a Bump: Not good…not as bad as the abomination that was Hammerman, but…not good.

17. Right Said Fred - I’m Too Sexy: It’s supposed to be a cheesy novelty song.

16. Europe - The Final Countdown: That synth line is great, and the song is classic. These damn music snobs.

15. Crash Test Dummies - Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm: WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE…oh, forget it. Point is this is a great song and they in no way proved it was bad. They just bitched about the chorus (how about analyzing the lyrics, since y’all are great music experts).

14. Will Smith - Will2K: Again, didn’t prove the song was bad. Just whined that Will Smith has an ego and it sampled a Clash song. Um…grow the fuck up maybe? (Seriously, the fact that people get so butthurt over celebrities having an ego, and seemingly don’t get that sampling is a thing in rap) I actually only heard the song for the first time a few months ago, and it’s BOMB.

13. Aqua - Barbie Girl: Congrats, one of the few actually bad songs on the list.

12. New Kids on the block - Hangin’ Tough: Teenage boys pretending to be badass? Alert the media. It’s fun, has a nostalgic feel.

11. Gerardo - Rico Suave: Yeah, not good (also, Weird Al did do a parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7zJdwEsWmU; pretty hilarious).

10. Huey Lewis & the News - Heart of Rock-n-Roll: This song is fun, and the fact that it was anywhere near the top 10 is a fucking joke.

9. Bobby McFerrin - Don’t Worry Be Happy: In fairness, Bobby McFerrin got sick of this song to the point of not performing it anymore.

(The commentators are pretty annoying bitching about a cappella music, a lot of which is really good)

8. Ricky Martin - She Bangs: Yeah, this song isn’t great…but Top 10 worst songs-bad? No…

7. Eddie Murphy - Party All the Time: This song is fun and has a good beat. Buncha stick-in-the-mud…

6. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany’s: Oh…no. You don’t touch this song! (Yes, the song is unenthusiastic. That’s the entire point; it’s about a couple who has no basis for their relationship except their love of this one movie, and thus the relationship isn’t strong enough to last).

5. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby: Yay, you got another actually bad song for the list!

4. Limp Bizkit - Rollin’: Yeah, the lyrics are shit and the song is bad…and I listen to it at least twice a week. It’s a major guilty pleasure (and fun to listen to when riding a scooter cart at the store).

3. Wang Chung - Everybody Have Fun Tonight: Another fun song; y’all have no taste.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart: Okay, you found another actually bad song.

1. Starship - We Built This City: WTF??? This is a good song!

So…a list with only a handful of actually bad songs…yeah.

Thank you!

#vh1 #2000s vh1 #2000s tv

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creative-writing-sanders · 5 years

Text

lifehelds - chapter one

read it on ao3

a/n: currently working on chapter six for this after way too much homework, so if i can’t post the next chapter, may as well post part of it here.

__________________________________________

Virgil kept walking, trying not to let his limp show, it made his leg hurt more, but it was more important not to stand out. Not in this neighbourhood, and not on a day when he was specifically instructed to stay on the Lifeheld Only side of town. The law stated anyone caught outside the Lifeheld Only boundaries were accountable for any ill actions that may be taken against them on the Night of the Pure.

The Night of the Pure was a weird concept to him. Why did the Pure need a night? It wasn’t as though those with Life were going to stop them- they didn’t stand a chance. Not when the Pure were statistically stronger than any Life being would ever dream of naturally being. It wasn’t uncommon to find Pure children bullying the Lifeheld children in the schoolyard.

Which actually explained Virgil’s injury. The day before, one of the seniors at the Integrated School for Exceptional Pupils had felt the fact Virgil lived with fellow Lifeheld people, and had not been born or created by the Pure highly offensive, causing him to go… well, ape shit, for lack of a better word. Ape shit on Virgil for simply existing the ‘wrong’ way. Luckily, one of the more respectable Pures had stepped in scaring off the other, which is why the injured teenager wasn’t in the Lifeheld sector, instead of walking through the rapidly darkening community that Patton Fields lived in.

It was comical to imagine Patton being scary- he was known around ISEP for his cheerful demeanor. No, it wasn’t outward intimidation that had persuaded Loki to fuck off, but instead, it was the status Patton carried. Virgil never spent much time in the wealthy Pure neighbourhoods, they were very exclusive typically, just seeing the houses lined up was enough for him to understand why Loki had scrambled like a worm thrown onto hot asphalt. The houses all had a Victorian aesthetic, with extravagant porches, and three to four storeys (which was two too many, in Virgil’s opinion).

He felt some weight fall off his shoulders after coming up to a house that almost screamed Fields. Maybe it was the good old fashioned mailbox that read the surname in bold letters, or maybe the perfectly groomed lawn with bikes strewn across it. No matter, though, it was obvious enough that the seventeen year old found little doubt it was the right door he had to knock out. While walking up the driveway, there was a slight hammering in his chest. Would he be in trouble for being out during the Night of The Pure? Well… Mr. Fields wasn’t his parent, it would be fine, right?

‘Maybe this could wait until- oh.’ The door opened before Virgil could actually raise a hand to hit the solid wood (or back out, both were likely to happen). He was greeted with a woman who had to have been just entering her forties. Her eyes were a warm, welcoming brown, and but her stance was somewhat guarded. She glanced the teenager up and down. There was a critical look in her eye before she sighed.

“Honey, what are you doing out here? The North Side is no place for you to be!” Perhaps his facial expression betrayed how taken aback Virgil felt- it was a very casual way of speaking, as though they were old friends because she quickly continued. “Sorry, sugar. I’m Martha Fields. You must be here for Patton, but dear, you know it isn’t safe now, right?” How Mrs. Fields knew he wasn’t Pure was beyond Virgil.

Instead, he nodded mutely. “Er- I’m Virgil Masterson. Sorry, I just, I needed to tell Patton something. I can just- go.” The purple haired boy turned on his heel, only to have a disapproving Mom Sigh™ sent at him.

“You’re already here, I’ll go get Patton, but you aren’t walking home, it’s far too dangerous to go alone.”

“That really isn’t necess—.”

She shushed Virgil before lightly jogging up the stairs. “Patton, there’s someone here for you, and I’ve got you a job.”

While Martha had temporarily gone, perhaps talking to her son, he took the time to study the area. The house seemed to have an open plan on the first floor, seeing as from the doorway he could see a lived in living room, one with Barbies strewn around and a few coffee mugs on the table. A ways away there was a kitchen as well, which didn’t make much sense as Pures were known to not require Lifeheld food, but it was, of course, none of Virgil’s business.

Hearing footsteps come down, the kid looked at his feet, scuffing one toe against the other. Martha seemed to have stayed upstairs, so it was only Patton.

“Hi!” There was confusion in the older’s eyes as he looked down towards Virgil. “I hear you’re here for me?”

He nodded, “I wanted to say- thanks?” Virgil winced as his voice trailed off to a much higher pitch as he realized how dumb it was to sacrifice safety to thank the other. To be fair, though, he had been thinking that if he didn’t acknowledge what Patton had done, he wouldn’t help Virgil if the situation were to happen again.

“You’re welcome!” The eighteen year old smiled, “Why are you welcome, though?”

He didn’t even remember-! That made Virgil ten times creepier. “You- uh… helped me out with Loki yesterday.”

“No need to thank me, kiddo!” Kiddo-? Virgil was only a year younger than Patton! “I was just doing what a decent person should! I can’t stand bullies.” He looked away before smiling once more. “Now we should probably get you home, before it’s officially night.”

Checking his phone, Virgil found the time; 5:38. They had twenty-two minutes. Patton did the same, but with a watch on his wrist, his eyes widening.

“Alrighty, well we should hit the road!” The senior slipped on a pair of shoes, Virgil failed to notice their house was one where you didn’t wear shoes insides. Interesting. He followed outside, prepared to begin a walk, only to find Patton walk to the garage he had ignored upon the initial house review.

The car was somewhat new appearing, a van that looked like a rich soccer mom would drive in a sky blue. Not Virgil’s style, but pretty still.

“Hop in, Virgil! This is Bertha!”

He did. “Bertha?”

“Yep!” Patton nodded, doing his seatbelt up and waiting until Virgil did the same to even start the engine. “She’s a Bertha-day car.”

The purple-haired teenager snorted, and looked at the GPS that was equipped. “Can I-?” He questioned, gesturing to it. Patton nodded enthusiastically, setting up the radio.

When the address was tapped in, and a route mapped, Patton hummed. “I know that road- one of my friends lives there! I practically live there for some weeks!”

Virgil just nodded. He also lived there some weeks, but- that had to be obvious.

______________________________________

The rest of the drive had been relatively silent. Patton was a careful driver, even if he was a little jumpy when someone- a Pure- looked into the car. He danced in his seat to the bubblegum pop music that played on the radio, and never went a mile above the speed limit. Virgil often found it difficult, terribly difficult to relax when there was a driver he didn’t know well, but with the older student, it only took half the ride before he could release the tension in his shoulders.

Soon enough, the familiar line of a single tree on each property rolled up. Unlike Patton’s neighbourhood, this one had many children still playing around; parents hovering through windows. Outside his own house was the familiar face of Virgil’s older brother. Even with the sunglasses obscuring his face (why was he wearing sunglasses? The sun was just going down!), it was evident enough that he was irritated.

Patton whistled in sympathy as he pulled into the driveway. “Someone’s unhappy.”

“Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” The other rolled his eyes. Remy being angry was uncommon. He was never more than irritated at most with Virgil, but it seemed that this time he was legitimately upset. With a long-suffering sigh, Virgil opened the car door, “Uh- thanks-- again. I wouldn’t have gotten out of the Pure district on time if it wasn’t for you.”

Patton just nodded, “Stay safe, kiddo!” With that, the cardigan-clad teenager backed out, driving down the road and back to the North side of town.

The walk to the landing Remy stood on was daunting. The crunch of gravel under his off-brand canvas shoes was suddenly very interesting; the shoes themselves, too.

“Virgil,” He greeted. That was startling. Remy hardly ever called the shorter male by his full name. Virge, V, anything but Virgil.

“Hey… Rem,” There was a weak attempt at nonchalance from Virgil. “Whatcha doin’ out here?”

“Wha-” The brother sent a look to the emo. “What do you mean, ‘what am I doing’?” He flipped up his glasses to rest on top of his head. “You know the day. You know you shouldn’t, like, be out without telling me or mum where you’re going on the Night of the Pure!” He paced around, “I tried to text you, man, I did- and you didn’t answer me, like, not even once!”

Did he really? Virgil pulled out his phone. There was, in fact, maybe fifty texts from Remy alone. How did he miss those beforehand? They weren’t recent. “I- yeah. Okay. Valid. I understand.” Virgil raised his arms in mock surrender.

“I don’t think you do Virge.” Remy sighed. He was usually so lighthearted and fun, it made the… scolding much worse than it would it have been if it was his mother.

Virgil flushed from the scorn, guilt evident on his face as Remy pulled the younger into a hug. It was more emotionally charged than normal. The embrace lasted too long for the teenager as he wriggled out of Remy’s grasp. “Can we go inside?”

There was a nod, and then the more comforting, warm house welcomed Virgil home. To the left, he could hear the hum of a cooking show that his mother listened to (“Raw chicken again! It’s fucking redder than your beard!”), and to the right was the sound of his brother’s boyfriend banging around in the kitchen.

“Mom!” Remy called. He looked at Virgil to silently say he couldn’t escape to his bedroom yet.

The sound of the television turned down. “Yes, Rem?”

“I found a rat.”

“Hey- mmph!” Virgil tried to protest, but a hand went over his mouth before he could successfully defend himself.

“A rat-?!” She repeated. Mrs. Masterson was a chef, and rats were one of her declared mortal enemies. She refused to let Virgil buy one for his sixteenth birthday, declaring they were ‘plague children’. “Remy, you know how much I hate- oh.” The fire in her eyes lessened upon seeing Virgil. “Oh! Virge!” She rushed over, squeezing him tightly before smacking the back of his head. “Don’t- don’t do that! You scared the shit out of me!”

Virgil patted her shoulder. “I know, I’m sorry. I had to talk to one of the guys from school. You know how is it, right?”

“It couldn’t have waited until tomorrow?!”

Virgil shook his head. “It’s okay, though! I got back before 6:00,” He purposely ignored the cough from Remy that covered the ‘barely’ he uttered.

Mrs. Masterson shook her head, hugging Virgil again before ducking into the living room. “You’re grounded!” She called, jokingly.

‘Jokes on you, to punish me you’d have to make me stay out of the house.’ He thought to himself, fondly smiling at his mother’s antics.

“Emile’s making dinner,” Remy informed the youngest Masterson, watching him climb the stairs to the bedrooms. “Be down, like… soon-ish?”

“You got it, Rem.” He nodded, finishing the climb.

Up in the safety of the dark purple room, Virgil pulled out his journal, writing observations on the Pure neighbourhood, his interactions with two members of the Fields family, and their compassion that was scarce to find directed towards Virgil.

His journal was a simple one, Moleskin, with doodles and stickers all around the cover. Inside, however, there was a mix of entries, and what Virgil learned about the Pure. Bullet points on their lore and history, adding to it as he found new information. The journal was three and a half years old, he started it once being accepted into ISEP, joining Pures on equal ground.

The sound of a gel pen scratching on the paper filled Virgil’s room, along with the soft hum of the obscure band, Moose Blood, playing as he wrote the day’s events. All too soon, the destresser was interrupted.

“Virgil! Come downstairs! Dinner!”

#lifehelds #sanders sides fic #sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #eventual romance #eventual polysanders #platonic moxiety #currently #word count 1000 3000 #alternate universe #remy and virgil are related #remy sanders #familiale sleepxiety #tw deceit #deceit is named loki

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