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am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 days

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Wibta if I told my mom she loves a cat more than her own children.

I do feel like an asshole for this. I’m 17f and I have a younger sister 15F. My parents are married and for the most part good. When have a 12 year old cat that my mom just adores.

This part is all speculation, but when I very young like I was 5 or something my mom had an event that changed a lot. She stayed with her parents and would visits us. My grandparents would help out and no one really ever explained what happened to her but she lived there for like a year, she did move back in with us. My dad got her a cat to cope while she was away. The speculation is she had really bad post partum depression and had a break down. The reason I believe this/and this is my own theory, was when I was struggling mentally, my mom encouraged me to go to a therapist and they asked family history and she said she had struggled with depression/episodes and had tried medication but never stayed on. She just said when she was younger she had a hard time regulating emotions, and she wants me to worry about me and my own emotions. The post patrum comes from the fact that I asked my dad why did you two have kids and he admitted he wanted kids and my mom was more on the fence. I also find it weird she gets really nervous around Mother’s Day and will often try to not celebrate. (She always says she could be a better mom)

My mom is a good mom don’t get me wrong. She’s always encouraged my sister and I to try and do our hobbies. She’ll drive us where we gotta go. I know she works overtime when she wants to make sure we can do stuff for the family. It’s just sometimes, she seems more like a distant mom. She’ll listen to us, do anything asked, but idk how to put it into words.

But she really loves this cat. And I do love our cat too, but this cat and my mom are bonded. The second my mom comes home and the cat greets her and my mom picks her up and kisses her. She calls the cat her pretty princess and a hundred other nicknames. She calls me my dad and sister honey, bunny, and sunny. I know the cat actually makes my mom happy. Her eyes light up when she sees the cat. I know she looks forward to coming home to the cat. When we go on vacations she’ll miss the cat, or if she goes on a work trip she’ll always ask for pictures of the cat or ask to see the cat on FaceTime. She throws a small birthday party for the cat every year and makes a cake. For our birthdays she’ll ask what we want and sometimes she resorts to store bought desserts.

So this is where it gets bad. Our cat is now sick and probably has a year left to live. The vet told my mom she’s a good cat owner and has always done right for her, but with her age, treatment isn’t really the route because it’s not gonna prevent death, so just focus on making the cat happy and comfortable (this vet appointment was her 6 month check up.) My mom hasn’t been doing well mentally. She’s always struggled with mental health. She just seems to have a shakey mind at times if that makes sense. She very much before would hide her struggles, but we knew she’d have them. Before she would like stand still just gripping the counter with one hand. Now my mom is definetly depressed. She will come home be greeted by the cat, and go to her room and cry with the cat. She’s been just not happy.

My sister and I kinda decided to see if telling her we got good grades would cheer her up, and she’ll say good job and will sometimes offer to cook something or get something for us, but her eyes are just like very tired. (There is also an app she can use to check out grades but she never once used it and will just take our word face value) We’ve talked to my dad about this and he basically said that our mom has always loved animals (she use to work with her grandpa at a pet store he owned, but apparently her grandpa wasn’t a good person to most people in the family except her, so that was hard on her). I asked my dad what he thinks and says it’s normal for someone to be sad about this and that he’s gonna work hard or make sure we get all our needs handled. Which is nice, but I kinda wish it was my mom. I don’t feel dire need of anything, I’m just annoyed/jealous a cat can destroy my mom mentally.

My mom has gone over load for the cat. She cooks for her, makes her dinner buys the best food and mixes then. She often cries while cooking, and asks the cat if she likes the food.The cat doesn’t even know what’s happening.

I was looking at prom dresses online and asked my mom to look with me and she was just out of it. She would just say she’d like one or she’s not a fan but don’t let that discourage me. She’s just kinda lifeless. I try talking to her about it and she’ll aplogize and says she’ll get better. (It’s been like a week)

It boiled over when my mom’s sisters came over. (She’s the youngest. One sister has kids and one doesn’t) My mom tried to be happy and perky but ended up crying about the cat. Her sisters kinda said that she’s gotta be strong for her family and my mom just cried saying everything’s gonna be so much harder without the cat. I wasn’t in the room, they were in the basement, and there’s a vent where you can hear everything down there. My sister and I do easedrop to see what they say (her sisters are loud but we can never hear what my mom is saying without the vent. Normally we do it because my mom is a more different interesting person and again we don’t know our mom well. Away from us she kinda puts down the facade and actually talks). I was just angry. Her life isn’t hard. We’re middle class, if she wants to go to therepy she can afford it. We all deal with grief and loss. Yes I’m gonna be sad when our cat passes, but she is an older cat. I don’t imagine my life becoming “harder” other than my mom being depressed, but she is an adult who will heal from this.

After her sisters left and she was doing her night routine, I asked her if she loves the cat more than my sister and I. She said that’s not true and if she could do something more for my sister and I please name it. I told her that that’s the problem is that she does stuff for the cat without thinking, but for us it’s all asking us and she’s the adult she should know. She’s said she’s not a mind reader and she’s gonna rely on the information I give her to help me out where she can. I went to my room because ovbiosuly that conversation wasn’t going anywhere. I feel like my mom understands a cat more than her own daughter.

My dad came in a little while after and we talked. He assured me my mom loves me and this cat has been like an emotional support animal through the years. He mentioned my one friend who has an emotional support dog and compared them and told me that the cat has helped my mom emotionally with emotional regulation and just helps her steady herself. I asked if we were enough, or if my mom regrets having a family and she would just be happier if she just left us for the cat and lived by herself. My dad told me she loves all of us, but depression can be hard to navigate. I asked him about how he wanted us more than our mom and he just said that he was more excited, but my mom wouldn’t have had us unless she wanted us (which I don’t think is totally true.)

I went into my parents room and my mom was there with the cat. Again going to the cat for comfort. I told her I was sorry for saying she loved the cat more than us and she apologized for how her treatment towards the cat can seem that way and if I ever need anything please ask. It made me mad because she again is relying on me to know what’s wrong/ or ask, instead of her just idk taking initiative. I didn’t say that.

I get people can be mentally ill, but she’s also my mom. I do feel bad about telling my mom she loves a cat more than me, but I also don’t feel too reassured.

#aita #am i the asshole

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direquail · 5 months

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You know the point of "protecting the children" dogwhistles, right? It's a reference to the idea that all queer people are child abusers. Super common belief among homophobes and transphobes, including (sometimes especially) gay ones.

It's also not just "a dogwhistle". When pressed to explain what exactly they want to protect children from, it's a ready-made emotional appeal to something that has broad social support. Most people, even if they don't like being around kids, are also not pro-child abuse. That's why conservatives go out of their way to invent (even if it's completely fictional) "reasons" why acceptance of gay and trans people amounts to child abuse. It helps them create an emotional connection with their target audience, and can be leveraged into logically ridiculous arguments like "well, if you don't agree with my platform, you must be pro child abuse, because I'm on the side of The Children".

"Protecting the children" is also super appealing to parents in particular, not because all parents are secretly authoritarians, but because it's super common to have a child and realize "Oh shit, I brought this person who can't defend themselves into the world and the world kind of sucks", and to feel horribly, horribly inadequate in the face of that.

I get very tired of people who mock, scorn, and ridicule people for falling for these rhetorical traps, or being snared by something that seems common-sense but disguises something ugly underneath. They are traps. That is what they're meant to be. That is why there are gay people who fall for anti-queer rhetoric, and get pulled into exclusionist or violently reactionary circles. We all have things we are vulnerable to, whether that is a history of being abused or a deep fear that we cannot protect our own children, who we brought into the world and are responsible for the protection of. And we gain nothing by mocking the latter.

I'm sure it makes some people feel great to say "well if you were really who you claim to be, you wouldn't fall for this shit", but frankly, that's a stupid-ass take. It misses entirely that these messages are carefully crafted by the people who hate us! They workshop these statements! They spend months or years trying to find the right message and when they find it they use the hell out of it, because it works. Because they are listening to the public conversations people are having online, and it doesn't take any level of basic agreement to be capable of regurgitating the party line word-for-word.

I am so sick of people who look at a deeply-embedded struggle over social and political ideals and think that this fight won't demand our whole brains and hearts and souls and yeah, we might fuck up because we care deeply and sometimes, people with bad intentions prey on that. On our grief and our fear and our rage.

And I'm frankly a lot more nervous around people who refuse to be aware of that, especially when they loudly mock the people who are willing to acknowledge their own fallibility and explore how they got ensnared in something. People are not moral machines, they are people.

#that post was pure moral purity police and it was so aggravating #the WHOLE point of that post was to shame every single person who saw it for being fallible and the net effect will not be to make us bette #it will be to make us less willing to interrogate ourselves and whether we're on the right track

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childotkw · 1 year

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Hi there Jordan! I was wondering - how would you do Lucemond modern AU?

Hello darling! I’d do reincarnation because I’m a basic bitch and it’d work so well. Let me explain -

Lucerys dies via Vhagar, and is reborn later in the timeline. Not sure when, maybe in the Blackfyre Rebellions, maybe at another time - but he’s reborn with his memories intact. His new parents are smallfolk, poor, but kindhearted. He realises it’s been a long time since his first life, and while a part of him mourns what happened to his family (mourns and screams when he hears what happened to his mother, to his brothers, to Daemon and his step-sisters, to their House and to their dragons), he also comes to accept that he’s no longer Lucerys Velaryon, whose only marked impact on history was his death and the war it caused.

He grows up, looking only passingly like his new parents and everything like Rhaenyra and Harwin, and makes peace with his new lot in life. It’s only when he’s approaching adulthood that he is confronted with a ghost.

His uncle looks much the same as he does in Luke’s memories, but completely different. Two eyes, for one thing, and more unhinged than Luke had ever seen him - even during their last encounter.

Aemond remembers too, and Luke - despite how a part of him longs desperately for his first family - refuses to speak to the man that murdered him, no matter how Aemond pleaded with (and later threatened) him.

He doesn’t care about the remorse and deep loneliness he sees on Aemond’s face. He doesn’t care that his uncle seems genuine and admits to missing him and regretting that night so many years ago. All he cares about is what Aemond had done to Luke’s family, and the country he had almost burned to the ground in his rage and grief.

He runs away from his home, slipping through his uncle’s grasping hands, and disappeared into the faceless crowds of Essos. Running from the legacy of House Targaryen and all the unnamed emotions Aemond brought up in Luke.

He dies after a decade, killed in a back alley fight by some assailant.

And he wakes up again, years down the line.

Life after life, a never ending cycle of history piling up in Luke’s head each time he is brought, sobbing and bloody, into the world.

Only three things remain consistent.

He is always born in Westeros.

He always looks the same as in his first life, regardless of his parents.

He always, always meets Aemond again (and he always runs, even though he doesn’t really want to).

By the time they reach ‘modern’ times, Luke is just so fucking tired. He’s sick of being reborn. He’s sick of watching the world change so drastically, and hardly ever for the better. He’s sick of growing to care for his new family and friends, of falling in love and having descendants that he can never approach in the next life.

He’s sick of knowing the truth of past events and watching how it’s twisted by present-day people. He’s sick of the memories. He’s sick of how…unmagical the world is now.

He’s sick of avoiding Aemond, of pretending that the two of them aren’t connected.

Finally, Luke decides enough is enough.

It’s always been Aemond that finds him. Always Aemond that approaches, half in hope and half in resignation, asking for forgiveness. This time, Luke takes the initiative.

He follows the subtle tug in his chest, that invisible string that entwines their two souls, and heads out the door.

But, naturally, the first time Luke searches for Aemond is the time he’s proving difficult to find.

But Luke’s tenacious and stubborn to a fault, and he eventually tracks his uncle down to a dig-site excavating the remains of a city from ancient-Westeros (and wasn’t that funny, he thought, that Aemond and he were probably older than anything they found in the dirt). Luke’s arrival throws Aemond for a loop, because his nephew had never sought him out, and never looked at Aemond with such quiet need before.

The two of them slowly reconnect, centuries of hurt still lingering between them, but for the first time in an age, they feel content.

So of course, that’s when they unearth the petrified dragon eggs.

And of course, as the last two remaining members of the Targaryen empire, they accidentally revive the blasted things.

And of fucking course the two of them now have to protect the dragons from a world that has long-forgotten the taste of magic while running from the people that want to use the babies for their own nefarious purposes.

Luke is adamant that this is all Aemond’s fault. Aemond’s just glad he’s got someone else around that knows how to speak proper Valyrian and can handle a dragon.

(And if a part of him is singing at having Luke finally, finally willingly at his side, that’s his own business).

#anonymous #HOTD #lucerys velaryon #aemond targaryen #lucemond #new dawn AU

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thermodynamic-comedian · 2 years

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ok ok i know we're all excited to see the kiddos in conneticut, but i just can't stop thinking. what if the boiling isles become uninhabitable because of the collector reshaping them. and then everyone has to move to the human realm (not permanently ofc, but like just for a while)

anyways, i decided i liked my own idea so much that now i am going to make headcanons about

other owl house characters in the human realm!

eda:

- she's the only one who's actually been to the human realm before, so she basically knows what's up

- still going feral over dumb shiny human objects tho

- absolutely flabbergasted to find out that digging through trashcans is not socially acceptable among humans

- she'll still do it tho, don't think you can stop her

- not allowed outside of the house anymore because camila got tired of dealing with the cops :(

raine:

- extremely confused and a little anxious about what's going on the boiling isles, but still tries to see this as an opportunity to learn

- "[points at human thing] what does this do?? :D"

- luz got them a pronoun pin and explained that it helps humans communicate how they want to be referred to

- "eda, look at this cool thing luz got me!! she said it's called a pronoun pin!!"

- loves spending time in book stores and coffee shops. just places where everyone's quiet and comfortable.

lilith:

- she's literally so excited.

- wants to know everything

- luz, camila and vee take turns explaining human things to her. and also debunking every increasingly strange myth eda's told her.

- really into libraries. she'll gladly spend hours scrolling through every book she can get her hands on.

- turns out she's just as passionate about human history as she is about witch history

- still doesn't quite understand memes but that's ok-

darius:

- pretends to hate human stuff

- doesn't actually hate human stuff

- everyday is a struggle not to comment on humans' fashion choices

- binge watched all seasons of ru-paul's drag race in one week. don't ask how, he just did.

- getting real sick of people asking about his hair

alador:

- experiances Human Realm Physics(tm) for the first time. immediately decides to experiment.

- absolutely despises the number of human clothes that are made out of materials like denim and leather (ew bad sensory experiance no thanks), so he has one outfit. it's a white t-shirt under a purple flannel hoodie and sweatpants and some boots.

- adding onto that, his hair's long enough to tie into a ponytail again. so overall, he just looks like an ordinary single bisexual father of three who hasn't slept in a while. which ironically enough makes him the best one at blending in with humans.

- currently watching big bang theory, please don't spoil anything for him!!

- literally every human just assumes he's dating darius anytime the two are seen together.

steve:

- token mentally stable friend, first one to actually make friends in the human realm.

- he drives around on a motorcycle and says hi to anyone who looks at him. boy just has too much positive energy for people not to be drawn to him.

- loves fizzy drinks!! and hot chocolate!! just human drinks in general!!

- in a week, he's already gathered an entire friendgroup of humans.

- still trying to get everyone else to go to therapy.

#toh #the owl house #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers #toh headcanon #eda's gen #eda clawthorne #raine whispers #alador blight #toh darius #toh steve #luz noceda #vee toh #camila noceda #raine x eda #alador x darius

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im--tired · 1 month

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This is controversial.

But as someone who was a trans man for 2 years I feel like I have some place to speak on it.

Bring transgender (and this is not all people but specifically my personal experiences) is based off of gender stereotypes.

I just saw a video on Dylan Mulvaney's new song and I can't say anything has pissed me off more. There is no such thing as a concrete slate of what a woman is. A woman can be a nurse but she could also be a plumber, which we all know. But how womanhood in these terms tends to be portrayed as harmful stereotypes that can harm biological women. I have no issue with whatever these people's lives are but to say that biological women are just bleeders that give birth (which some of us dont even get periods and are infertile) but then go and say that you have to "learn the basics" even though you literally just said they're wasn't anything that makes a woman a woman.

I'm sorry for my language, but what the fuck?

I'm exhausted of how this is going. And for me to sit over here and watch, mind you, literal children, be influenced by this and think to be a woman you have to be like this and to be a man you have to be like this and if you're not in either explicit rules then you're something else.

Dosen't that literally go against everything we've tried to fix as a society? I'm not a man but I have many male friends so I'm aware that if a man were to wear a dress or whatever is considered feminine he'd be called gay and said no woman would ever like him. Obviously I'm not a man but I have heard things along those lines before.

My point is, the only reason transgender exists is because of harmful gender stereotypes we've created since the beginning of society. I'm a history nerd and you can make the argument that there was gender discriminatory in hunter-gatherer times but I'm pretty sure our ancestors just new that men were biologically stronger than women. Specifically within the Ancient Rome and Greece it is known that women had practically no rights, it's a whole thing but I'm not going to get into that because this will be much longer than it needs to be.

Just think about it. Like you're the exact same person, just with different genitals. Is it really worth all the money? And if so, why?It's just a vagina or a penis it's not much of a difference.

And I'll tell you how I know. I got sick and tired of how I looked because I was "too masculine" with my blunt eyebrows, square face, and muscular bone structure. It's not even like I was extremely muscular either (of which I am now significantly more than I was at the time because I've come to embrace that part of myself). I also had a slight mustache, because body hair is, NORMAL, and my mom kept nagging me about my body hair (My mom is an amazing woman so don't say anything rude about her, it's just unfortunately how our society works). So I became trans. It felt as though all my problems had dissapeared and all I had to worry about was correcting people and changing my name. But it soon became hard. I realized how feminine I actually was and hated every part of it. Not to mention a lot of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ and I can't explain how absolutely terrified I was to tell them. I got the "Oh are you sure it wasn't your parents or peers pressuring you into it" amongst lots if other things. It was hard for me to actually be myself when I had been hiding behind a person I created just because I hated certain parts of my personality, looks or interests for being "too masculine".

It has been said so many times and I'll say it again. The issue does not lie with people being transgender or anything under the umbrella (I don't care what you have in your pants or what your pronouns are I'll respect it because it has nothing to do with me) it has to lie with gender roles, expectations, culture etc. Its good to preserve history and culture, but some needs to be changed for the good.

Theres so many more details I could add to this to explain it more but these are just the basics. If anyone has questions onto why I have this opinion or need for more information don't hesitate to ask.

And also just remember I'm just someone on the internet so if you dont agree with my opinion feel free to rip my face off in the comments but it's really a waste of your time.

#gender issues #gender stereotypes

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mars-ipan · 11 months

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Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

#ask #ghost #marzirants #i am sick of being told i’m normal and then getting yelled at for being myself #if anyone is an ass on this post and doesn’t consider the context or nuance within i will kill :)#anywho thx ghost. that one’s been simmering for a but #a bit* whoopsies #once before i got dxed i was trying out a new therapist #and after an in-depth explanation of my fear around driving and the built up shame i had from still just having my permit #she told me to ‘just get in the car and drive’#girl do you think i didn’t try that. my whole issue is that i can’t ‘just’ do it i was hoping we could work on the THREE MENTAL BLOCKS there #anyways i never went back to her. i still seethe a bit when i think abt it #anywho. sick and tired of being denied help and then chastised when i survive anyways #like yeah i’m alive. be a lot FUCKING better if you just gave me a hand though #but noooo because i’m not falling apart in front of you clearly i’m dramatic #tbf i have an incredibly high pain tolerance and have been an expert masker since i was a child #but still. not all disability is visible asshat. am i supposed to be able to function on my own or not why is there no right answer #anywho i’ve always felt a lot of connection to those with chronic fatigue #probs bc we both have deal with ‘it’s not that big a deal’ or ‘you’re being lazy/sensitive’ or ‘just suck it up’#not to mention constant anxiety is EXHAUSTING. fight-or-flight takes up so much energy dude

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the-nsr-family · 1 year

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Hi! Is it okay if we can hear your idea for the SU AU? Have a nice day/evening!

Oughfshsdfji hell yes. I have a bunch of ideas for the backstory and the current events but no real way to bridge them atm. It gets kinda long, most of this is just explaining Tatiana’s backstory in this au.

“I’m just a fire giant. I’m just a woman made of rock and lava/crystal! I was born on this planet 100%”- The CEO blatantly lied about her past to her family/coworkers who are technically family.

In doing so, she also lies about her dead twin brother’s past (yes I *am* bringing Nickolas and his wife into this bc I love those mfs)

Tatiana and her brother are people made of stone, yes, and they have veins throughout their body made of pure gemstone. Yes, they are walking volcanos...but they are so much more than that in the terms of their past.

To put in in the simplest terms: they’re living experiments. When the Diamonds got curious about their abilities of creation, they decided to push their limits, essentially: Nickolas and Tatiana were created during one of the many “Fucking around and finding out” parts of Homeworld’s history. On the most basic level, they’re supposed to be Diamonds. That’s what the gemstone veins in their bodies are/were comprised of. But they weren’t made with pure essence, and they certainly weren’t supposed to be polished and perfect. They’re just parts of a planet all mashed into two humanoid beings. The results of the Diamonds going: “lmao what if we did THIS” and it actually creating two sentient beings.

They didn’t even have their current names, at that time they were simply called Rouge Diamond (Nickolas) and Scarlet Diamond (Tatiana), but they wouldn’t really be recognized as Diamonds for years to come.

They can get sick, they have organic parts to them, they seem incredibly human even though Earth was not in the minds of the Diamonds at the time, as this was BEFORE Pink was created. They weren’t really “born”, but they were babies at one point, they did grow up. Which was something that none of the Diamonds were used to. White had such a big hand in their creation that they (Tatiana more specifically) attempted to emulate her behaviors. They clung to her. Unluckily for them, she had absolutely zero interest in raising kids who need to eat and have far more organic functions than they should’ve. She did enough to keep them content, but she never spent more time with them than she had to when they were kids. Blue was the only one who actually tried to give them any kind of affection at that age, but even she had her limits.

When they were older? She had plenty of interest in molding them to be as perfect as she could make them. Thankfully they did grow, but they were both shorter than Blue, Nickolas being the taller one. Tatiana found herself so happy in her role, so was her brother, but eventually she got tired. The one bad thing about growing up and White actually caring for her? She can’t have fun anymore. Being rebellious is discouraged, all that shouting and having fun is even less acceptable at this age, she found that all her freedom was stripped from her. She *hated* this.

So she got vocal. When she got vocal, she stirred thoughts in her older twin, when she got vocal, she stirred thoughts in the Gems around her. When she got vocal? She stirred thoughts in the newest Diamond around: Pink Diamond. This made her predecessors very upset, but they tried to keep their cool. She didn’t. Her era of rebelling against her caretakers led her to discovering new powers: She exploded into flame due to her extreme passion one evening, and she felt so free in that form...the others were less partial to it. She discovered that she had the ability to control time. That...the others liked that. Not for the reasons they should’ve.

Because Tatiana discovered her fire, her brother unleashed his, and they accidently started many small fires within the palace. Pink got her colony, and when she began to feel the need to begin the rebellion, to plant those seeds, she turned to the half organics that bothered White to no end with their antics. They understood her. They understood exactly how she felt, trapped, unhappy, they want free from this dreadful cycle as much as she does.

Pink shared her plans, the twins agreed whole-heartedly, they contributed by turning up their actions, they took the heat for her while she went masquerading as Rose Quartz. Tatiana’s time powers were used sparingly, but they did a lot of good. Plan didn’t go right the first time? Loyal rebel shattered or locked away? A bit of time travel fixed the issue right away. Messing with time may not have been a good thing, but they were a bunch of young Gems with hardly any self-preservation. While Pink did her best to save the humans, Tatiana became a little enraptured by them, and she realized that maybe she could make her own planet. She could do what Pink was doing, but for other planets. And she’s still a Diamond, she can create life if she needs to. So she went off with her brother, they found a planet, they rescued species from other planets that would’ve otherwise been killed, and they created an entire community, an entire world together.

They used Tatiana’s time travel abilities to the extreme. They would pop by earth from time to time, they borrowed the ways humans developed and suggested these ways to the ones living on their new planet. They made sure that everything developed almost entirely the same, and eventually put these efforts to rest. The planet was covered in towns and cities, it had unique biomes that resembled earth’s, animals from Earth that hardly changed, but still changed. They stopped their efforts when their favorite little city was starting to get big on rock music. Everything fell into place from there. The twins fabricated their past, they made up stories about their parents, and used this to rant about White in a way that didn’t expose them. Nickolas got his sister a guitar made just for her, he began to play the bass. He met his wife, she met some humans she was interested in, they started a band. She went from Scarlet to Kul Fyra, she started the Goolings, her brother began to go by Nickolas. Everything was perfect. Almost perfect, at least. As glamorous as a rockstar’s life can be, there was still a lot of bad that happened (addiction and crime and whatnot).

They moved on. They forgot about their past. They immersed themselves in the world they created. A Diamond has their urges to lead, though. Fyra listened to her band, but they had spats now and then. She and her brother were always in charge, because being in charge was what they were raised to believe they deserved. When the band split up, Nickolas had a child with his wife, Fyra went on as Tatiana Qwartz, her brother kept their fake family name, Onyx, and they just. Let their lives go on. They were as normal as any of the other crazy superpowered people were on this planet. And Tatiana made her company. And the music revolution happened. Tatiana adopted herself a pair of rebellious young adults. Mayday turned out to be her niece, her brother’s daughter, and after a lot of heartache, everything was finally happy again.

But someday, somehow, she’s gonna end up back on Homeworld. She’s going to face her “mother” again, and her whole family, coworkers and all, are going to see her real self. How??? No fucking clue. That’s the part I don’t have planned out.

#nsr #no straight roads #steven universe #crossover #my au #The Legend of Scarlet & Rouge #crossover au #it crossed my mind one night and ngl I'm kinda into it

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quirkysubject · 2 years

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From Ridicule to Royalty

The last part of this Classic Rock article shared by @natromanxoff contains a really interetsing piece by music journalist Geoff Barton, who worked for Sounds in the seventies.

He describes how he initially liked Queen, and how that clashed with the negative view of his more experienced colleagues, who saw Queen as "a laughing stock. Pariah's, no less." His suggestion to write an editorial about them is treated as a joke.

He gives two main reasons for the disdain:

Queen were seen as not having paid their dues. They were perceived as a band who came out of nowhere, snagged a deal with EMI, and were essentially pampered and manufactured. (Of course, if you look at the actual history of the band, this couldn't be farther from the truth.)

Queen were clever. "That would never do among the mostly university-educated music writers of the time [...] who felt somewhat threatened, and quietly preferred their subjects to come from broken homes and council estates - that dues paying thing again."

Barton eventually adopts the generally unfavourable views of his colleagues. In autumn 1974, just as Sheer Heart Attack is being finalised, he is sent to conduct an interview with Brian May*. He finds his negative attitude confirmed when Brian proves a less than ideal interview partner - cranky, distracted and lacking verve. Looking back on it, he quickly identified the reason: sheer exhaustion.

May had actually been very ill prior to our chinwag, and it showed that day. He looked quite beat, sounded nasal and looked a world away from your archetypal on-stage flashily costumed, flamboyantly animated Queen member. [...] May was plainly struggling in the post-sickness recovery process. As he admitted at one point: "It's very hard to... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying. I'm a bit tired, actually."

Man, I feel for Brian here. The recording and mixing schedule for Sheer Heart Attack was brutal, with what John describes as sixteen hour days (x). You can really see their exhaustion in this video where they record the Killer Queen overdubs, for instance.

Imagine working this hard, doing press stuff on top, despite having spent most of the summer in hospital - and then reading that you haven't paid your dues in the music papers... I think it really explains a lot of Queen's anger at the way they got treated.

Another interesting bit that Barton recalls is this:

But he definitely bridled at the mention of Freddie's (at this time still very much alleged) homosexuality.

"I think it's an image that the media have put on us," May insisted. "The fact is, we do look pretty. They [the press] think if people like us look good, then there must be questions about our sexuality, and we can't be any good musically becaue we've got pretty faces. But we weren't put together just because you look good, you know."

Something about Brian May, guitar-virtuoso, song-writer, and Imperial College graduate, having to say "I'm not just a pretty face, you know" is so absurd it's almost funny.

Anyway, props to Geoff for writing an article basically saying, 'damn, look how wrong I was', thirty-years later!

~~~

*The piece is called "May Queen" and appeared in the October 26th, 1974 edition of Sounds. If anyone has that article, I'd love to get my hands on it! Same goes for an article that was published November 15th, 1974, titled "The Queen & I".

#queen and the press #meta #brian may #sheer heart attack

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mendesbadrepuation · 3 years

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The Way You Comfort Me // Peter Parker🕷

Peter Parker x female reader

Description: Recently your best friends have grown apart from you and you have been really upset over the situation. Lucky for you Peter is there to comfort you.

Warnings: it’s a little sad in the beginning but the ending is overly fluffy and handsomely cute! Not even slightly proofread lolol

••••••••

“Hey! How come you look all down in the dumps today?” Peter breaks you from your thoughts as his hand waves in front of your face. You snap your eyes in his direction and you knew you could see the way he was concerned for you. You also knew he could see the way your eyes glossed over with tears.

“It’s not really important. We should get back to studying.” You reply quickly and avert your eyes back to the book on the table. You absentmindedly tapped the pen in your hand against the notebook you were using to take notes.

“No. It’s important to me. I don’t like to see you upset like this.” Peter reaches his hand out to gently stop the tapping of your pen. When you look up into his eyes they were soft and gentle. Just like everything about him. He was the purest soul to you and you got lucky he stumbled across your path. Even luckier he became your best friend and lover.

You and Peter were friends before. In high school you two were study partners a lot. You two really worked well together. One night you and Ned barged into his room on a rant about an assignment and you saw him in his Spider-Man suit. It was completely an accident and ever since then you knew about his secret. And ever since that day you have kept that special secret. You earned his trust very fast. Which led you to a relationship you never saw come but every day you are thankful for.

“Rachel and Addy didn’t invite me to go with them on the annual beach trip. They haven’t invited me to anything in the last couple of months. I think our friendship is ancient history.” You explain to him with a frown very evident on your face.

Rachel and Addy have been your best friends since middle school. You’ve known Addy since kindergarten even. You went through many stages of life with those girls and it was something that a lot of friendships went through. You grow up, you meet new people, you simply fade away. In your mind though, you thought it wouldn’t happen with those two. You cared for them dearly and that friendship. After several attempts of asking to hang out with them and they both decline every time you gave up.

At first you just let it go and thought it would fizzle out. You’d be back to normal within the next week. A week turned into a month. You were so busy with school that it never hit you until here recently. You were making your last stitch effort. Once you realized they were going on the beach trip without you, that’s how you knew it was over.

Peter looks at you sadly. “I know how much they mean to you. Maybe this was a sign and you never know. You all could pick right back up like nothing ever happened.” He tries to help with the situation.

“I don’t know Pete. I think we may be growing apart.” The words get choked up in your throat. It was hard to think and now even harder to say out loud.

He frowns at your response. “I think we’ve had enough studying for today. Let’s go back to my place and cuddle.” His hand lands on your thigh under the table in a comforting way. You look up into his eyes slowly nodding in agreement.

“I don’t want to worry May though.” You say.

He shakes his head. “Not to worry. Her and Happy are on an overnight trip. It will be just us.”

You lightly scoff. “Happy and May are getting closer.”

“Yeah! Yeah! Don’t remind me!” Peter shuts his eyes shaking his head in denial. “I don’t like to think about it.”

You two pack up your things and walk out of the university library holding hands. As you walked through campus you tried not to think about the issue playing repeat in your head. Every time you thought about losing your best friends you felt that ache in your heart. Losing friends is hard and it’s a different kind of loss you are never prepared for.

“The leaves are starting to change. It’s so pretty.” You say and your eyes wonder around the trees on campus. You wanted to think about other things.

“Pretty like you.” Peter cheekily replies. You instantly blush and playfully roll your eyes.

“Thank you.” You reply. Peter was smirking at you from your reaction. He loved seeing you blush from something he does or says to you. Just let’s him know he has that affect on you.

The walk to the subway was mostly just you two talking about anything but your situation. He knew that you would fully talk about it when you were ready. The rest of the way to his apartment Peter done his best to cheer you up. He would tell you corny jokes or do playful little things to keep a smile on your face. He was simply your person. Only he knew how to make you feel better in times like this.

Shortly after arriving to his place you got into his clothes. A pair of his sweats and his hoodie. Immediately you were feeling more comforted being wrapped up in his scent. He saw the way your expressions become more calm. His heart swelled seeing how much peace it brought you. He was your safe haven as you were his.

He picks you up and places you in his lap so he can cuddle you. You had the hood up over your head and he lets you nuzzle your head between his neck. He was extra warm from those added super powers running through his bloodstream. It truly came in handy on days like these. When you contently sigh into his neck it felt like his heart was smiling.

“As much as this sucks. I’m glad I have you.” You mumble in a soft tone.

“You always have me.” He whispers back. His hand that was wrapped around your back softly rubbed your worries away. You place a delicate kiss on his neck and he simply thought he was going to melt. He hated you being sad but boy was he grateful he got to be the one to comfort you, to hold you.

The rest of the night was spent with you in his arms. He would switch with rubbing your back to playing with your hair and even little kisses all over your face. Anything he could do to make you feel better, he did it. Eventually you talked through it with a little advice from him. It was hard coming to the realization of what was happening. He knew how strong you were and that you would get through this little milestone with ease.

You fell asleep with your head resting on his chest so you could hear his heartbeat. One of the many things you like to do when you’re with him. Peter had an idea to make you feel even better in the morning. He hoped it would help you start your day with a smile. When the weather was changing and the mornings were colder there was something about the sunrises. They were different. There was always brighter pinks and oranges on display. Peter remembers how you love to watch them.

He woke up right on time to carry you out on his fire escape. You were really tired from the crying and overall stress the situation caused. Him moving around didn’t really phase you until you felt the cold morning air hit your face.

“Mmm Peter what are you doing?” You faintly mumble and there was sleep evident in the sound of your voice.

“I want to show you something. Just keep your eyes closed for me.” He requests and you do as told. He places your arms around his neck and your feet around his waist. Your head nestles its way in the crook of his neck and you start to fall back to sleep. There was a gush of wind on your back in a split second. You knew he was swinging on his webs high in the sky. It was better you didn’t open your eyes for sure now.

You tighten your grip around his neck from the feeling of flying freely through the city. Most of the time you got sick from him swinging you with him on special dates on skyscrapers. Some times were better than others and you were trying to get comfortable with it.

Once the breeze stopped you knew he had landed. Still half asleep you just cuddle more in to him. He sits down with you in his lap again. Your one leg comes around from his waist so you can sit sideways. He was basically cradling you now and you could not complain.

“Open your eyes.” He whispers. You do as told and you have to blink a couple times to adjust. When you looked out into the skyline your breath was stolen away. There was so many vibrant pinks and oranges casting off the clouds. The sun was almost this red and dark orangish tint.

Peter didn’t look away from you. He wanted to see your reaction of the display in front of you two. His eyes glistened from the way you lit up. He watched your eyes sparkle at the view and he swore he has never seen anything as beautiful as you. As cheesy as it was, you were his sunrise in this moment. He gently kisses your cheek and adjusts your body so you could get closer to him.

“It’s beautiful Pete. Thank you for bringing me to see it.” You look away from the skyline and he was already looking at you. Your cheeks were red from both the morning air and from where he just kissed you.

“I just wanted you to feel better and start your day with this in mind.” He gestures to the sunrise and you didn’t care about that anymore. You were too in love with this boy to even think straight. He does everything in his power to make sure you are happy and safe and most of all, loved.

“I don’t need sunsets or sunrises when I have you. You are the sweetest person I know Peter Parker. Thank you for all you do for me. I hope one day I can return the favor.” You gently cup his face with your hands to fully look him in the eyes. He had the softest look on his face.

“You return the favor everyday by being with me and loving me. That’s all I can ever ask for. And baby your love is like a drug.” His soft expression turns into a little grin. He knew the comment was cheesy but you of course admired it.

A light giggle leaves your mouth and a wide smile spreads from ear to ear practically. For a moment you look into his eyes and see that special little tint in his brown shade. With the sunrise casting a little light it made a golden ring around his iris pop. You watch him avert his eyes down to your lips giving you the hint. Both of you lean closer together until your lips clash together in a soft kiss. Your hands go around to the nape of his neck where his little baby hairs were. In an effort to deepen the kiss you comb your fingers up through his full hair. You slightly tug at the base and he inhaled deeply making the kiss harder. His hands wrap around to your back and he pushes you against his chest. The action makes your lips slightly part and give him the access he wanted to slide his tongue inside your mouth. You both start to see stars from such a passionate kiss. Every time it would feel like this to the both of you. But each time it got better it seemed.

That’s how you knew he was your person until the end of time. In every timeline you would choose him. Over and over again. Your souls were intertwined and would always find a way back to each other.

#peter parker #peter #Peter Parker fanfiction #marvel #tom holland #peter x reader #peter x you #fluff #spideyboy #spiderman

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mrarchewannabe · 3 years

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First Contact and it's Complications: Part 2 Biology Lesson

This is head researcher Bea'zikal following up from my previous reports as I stated before, I do apologize for the lack explanation and detail in those entries and I will now give you the full documentation of what I have observed with my time spent with Humanity and more specifically Human Head researcher who is referred to as Jamal Alteriq, a very fine scientific mind and excellent guide as he was the one to be our ambassador through Human space and of course to keep eyes on us. We saw many incredible things on our journey and I will explain in due time, but I thought it wise to give a basic run down on human biology to better help visualize the scenes I will explain in later logs. (Note: I advise you to open the attached encrypted files for observation while reading)

Humans are lightly Haired mammals that evolved on a rich but highly diverse Planet that was covered in approximately 71% water with humans living on the 29% of Land, resources were plentiful but competition was fierce as many species competed for control of those same resources, the resources in question being food and 'fresh' water which is a specific term as humans cannot drink water that is above or below a certain Ph. Level or a has a heavy imbalance of minerals;They also cannot drink any water that is contaminated with parasites, or Planetary elements such as dirt. This of course isn't to say humans have entirely weak stomachs as they are capable of consuming certain acids such as Malic and Citric Acid which is used in food flavoring, and of which would result in violent death should either substance be consumed by a Zeatikian, in addition to consumption of such compounds they can digest Certain forms of Alcohol and many forms of Capsaicin which many of course know isn't poisonous but considered non-edible to all Zeatikians and instead sees a use as a defense weapon. Moving on from the topic of consumable and non-consumable liquids brings us to eating habits; Humans specified as Omnivore 'Persistence' Predators, and can consume a wide variety of Meat and Plants, which a balance of both is needed to maintain peak physical form and a healthy digestive and immune system. From what Human Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq has told me ancient human hunting wasn't chasing down prey at high speeds but rather simply outlasting it in a slower walk chase(Note: Humans have a extreme amount of stamina and can walk for hours at a time as they evolved to efficiently maintain a pace of speed) and when the prey was tired and unable to continue on humans would slay the creature and bring it back to be cooked then consumed. (Note: Cooking is one of the few things that are shared in Both Zeatikians and Human evolution) Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq also informed me that eventually ancient Humanity began Agriculture and that is what primarily began to start up human culture and civilization.(Note: again one of the few things that are shared amongst our history)

Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq told me of the Human Life stages which are of a very different cycle of our own from our People the Zeatikians, conception of offspring is relatively the same between our two species, but with various degrees of success in humans as their method of reproduction is relatively different between Human to Human. Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq Suggested that's all we do to speak on the matter and I obliged his request how ever odd I thought it was.(Note: After doing research on this topic myself I also now recommend that all Zeatikian researchers stay away from this topic as well as it's very traumatizing to look at) Humans generally can only have one child every half a cycle but it can be more numerous if chance allows it, and human offspring is extremely vulnerable and must be cared for by it's parents constantly otherwise it will most likely guaranteed to perish; of course in this time human 'infants' (Note: Infants are the name for children that under a cycle and half old) are cared for by not only the parents but also other humans hired to be care takers as well that can give the infants whatever they need at anytime while the parents set off to complete tasks.

Humans possess what is called an Endoskeleton(Note: Observe attached files) which gives their bodies structure and allows an anchor for their extremely complex muscular system as well as keep internal organs safe and secure. This Endoskeleton is made up of bones of very high calcium content and is extremely durable and strong, shown being able to with stand many hits that could cripple, paralyze or downright kill a healthy Zeatikian. Infant humans start out with more numerous but weaker bones and cartilage numbering around 300 individual structures but eventually after many cycles they all fuse into their respective positions and become stronger and thicker; this is most prominent around what they call their 'Skull' which is a bone structure that contains their brain and connects to the spinal column (Note: Observe Highlighted Area) and starts out segmented and eventually becomes fully fused and one solid structure in about 22 cycles. Part of the function of the skull is a basic one hinged jaw that contains anywhere from 32 to 36 bone structures they call teeth which allows them to tear through tougher foods and aids in digestion, the human jaw is relatively weak surprisingly only able to produce 300UPSQ which would absolutely be enough to hurt a Zeatikian so I would advise you be careful.

Adolescent Human offspring undergoes a change around 9 Cycles in males and 7.5 in females, as they approach sexual maturity they begin to swell on muscle mass and increase in growth exponentially over a time period of 4 cycles, during this time hormones are pumped through and over about 1.5 to 2 cycles the voice deepens and body hair is increased, this incredible change is known to cause certain behavior changes as well as changes in diet and appetite. Many human females have certain large orifices located on their chests that are used primarily to feed their young, which should have been obvious seeing how I have already stated they are indeed mammals,(Note: I have been told to report on this much only as logging anymore would make many among the human population uncomfortable, I do not know why but I shall oblige) and as mammals they are indeed warm blooded, which means they do not take too well to fluctuating temperatures as Being in below freezing temperatures for too long can lead to a humans death in about 20 minutes should they be naked in said weather; and so if in the future you have humans boarding your vessel be sure to keep it atleast a median temperature of 400TM and provide them with necessary heating elements if they do not have any.

Humans possess a 'Circulatory system' much like our own that pumps blood all across it's body at a very steady rate of 60 to 100 beats per tick, which is quite slow compared to our 120 to 150 beats per tick. Humans also possess a blood color that shines a bright red compared to that of a Zeatikian that has a bright purple hue, both of our species have iron in our respective Hemoglobins but our kind carries what they call 'Hemerythrin' while they carry whats called 'Heme' and thus that's what gives the difference in blood pigmentation. They also possess various different organs that process everything from sugars and proteins to alcohol and carbs, the 'Liver' which is described as a 'Blood Filter' cleanses the blood as it passes through it, while organs like the 'Kidneys' process liquid waste, sugars, salts, and all minerals to help keep it stable within the body.

The Human 'Immune system' is a very strong and very important system in the human body as humans do not have segmented Carapaces like all Zeatikian's have, rather they possess a skin of 7 layers and this layered skin protects the body from the outside world, when penetrated or slashed open blood will began to flow out much like a broken carapace or cut joint segment would, the cells in the human would try to seal the cut with platelets which will form a scab, which is a temporary seal while the skin is being repaired anew; as this process does share similarities with the way our Carapace heals itself our process is much slower while the humans can heal their skin in a matter of a few rotations depending on the severity of the injury. Of course during the cut possible bacteria and other such microorganisms could have infiltrated the bloodstream and usually once successful they become targeted by the protector cells or as humans call them 'white blood cells' for destruction.

The 'Digestive track' is relatively self-explanatory so I will be brief on the subject, when food is consumed it is first chewed and made wet by the 'Saliva' a human produces in their mouth which helps break it down further and eases the transfer of food from the mouth down the 'Trachea' as they call it and into the 'Stomach' which becomes broken down by 'Stomach' acid,various compounds,and gut bacteria that absorb the nutrients and forward the waste through what humans call the 'Large Intestine' which then transfers through the 'Small intestine' which is the excreted by the Human, relatively the same processes any Zeatikian goes through.

Humans of this modern era however are nearly perfect as about 1000 cycles ago an event on their home world that was put into motion made humans as nearly perfect as they could be biologically, but this change however was not a instant process as the changes would only take place slowly after every generation, each one living longer then the last, getting sick less, and less in the population being born with genetic conditions that had debilitated humanity for eons. Nowadays it is rarer for humans to catch a sickness, but impossible for any human being to be born with a genetic condition aside from the few they found desirable. Many live long fulfilling lives from what I'm told by Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq, some living their full total lifespans of 200 cycles which I can only dream of living a mere 40 cycles let alone a long 200 cycles.

This concludes my report on the basic biology of humanity I hope you found it informative and helpful, I shall work on my next log about human economic and social status, which Human Head Researcher Jamal Alteriq Helped immensely on.

Head Researcher Bea'zikal Signing off

(I hope you enjoy the sequel to what I wrote first I'm really proud of this one but please tell me if there is anything I could do to better my writing? Constructive criticism is appreciated, more parts on the way)

#science fiction #humans are space orcs #sci fi/fantasy #sci fi #writing #aliens #scifiandfantasy

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preemshots · 3 years

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johnny + the nomads lore

alright, i know this is a screenshots blog but i'm going to go ahead and start dropping some juicy lore tidbits as i dig them up. part of what i'm doing outside of just photo diarying is shard hunting, and BOY is there a lot the game likes to hide in those little shards for idiots like me who like to read so we can write unnecessarily accurate fanfiction!

full disclosure, i know jack shit about the TTRPG/cyberpunk 2020 rulebook except what i read in the wikis.

so here’s my lore roundup so far of everything i know about johnny joining the nomads

we know johnny likes to narrate v’s quest objectives. here’s the first mention where he says it himself:

during the voodoo boys quest "transmission" there's a shard in the maglev tunnels beside the ice bath, presumably from brigitte's research into johnny in the first place:

okay, so the timeline is this: johnny joins the nomads after trying and failing to rescue alt. johnny hides out in the badlands for some years. then he and rogue come back to night city and nuke arasaka tower help alt escape the arasaka subnet by uploading liberator to their network once and for all.

this ultimately makes sense. in alt’s flashback, we meet santiago, who is a nomad/connected to nomads, joins rogue and johnny when they're trying to get alt back, and eventually becomes the leader of the aldecaldos.

part of santiago’s TTRPG lore is that he, johnny, and rogue have to lay low in the badlands with nomads after they storm arasaka headquarters (i am aware the game takes many liberties with the original lore so who knows the full accuracy of anything from the original rulebooks)

ENDING spoilers: in the rogue+johnny storming AHQ ending, it's revealed that rogue has a son while they're prepping for the job. if you eavesdrop on her calling him while you're at the afterlife, you hear her tell her son to (paraphrasing here) "pull over and look at the stars", which immediately made my brain go to: nomad, badlands, santiago = dad? maybe. (santiago also canonically has a son according to the TTRPG lore)

this immediately reminded me of another interesting shard that i believe you can find in multiple locations around night city: “"what REALLY happened in arasaka tower?“

i love this dang shard. at first i thought it was just a cute conspiracy with some juicy gossip (and i love how 99% of the shards that mention johnny in this game are reminding us that he's not a real rebel, he's a poser) but it brings some interesting shit together

one: it tells us where johnny got his hands on the nukes! he and the nomads jumped a militech convoy and jacked some bombs!

which is never directly explained, even as saburo arasaka is interrogating him shortly before using soulkiller. very nice of johnny to protect his homies like that.

...or maybe he didn’t. saburo emphasizes that the dead don’t lie like the living do, and we don’t know what exactly arasaka did to johnny’s construct in mikoshi.

it also explains why the obvious media narrative is that militech nuked arasaka, a nice neat political bow to the end of the fourth corpo wars, which is an entire section of the TTRPG lore that makes my eyes cross when i read it.

it also makes the star/nomads ending extremely interesting, because i originally believed it was the ending where V’s journey deviates the most from rewalking johnny’s path... which also has weird implications if the johnny’s nomad era is being kept from v.

(this also leads into my belief that the star ending/the devil ending are narratively two sides of the same coin, but that’s a WHOLE ANOTHER POST for another day.)

TWO, just straight up the fact that they turned the raid where they actually obtained the nukes into an action flick BD that pretty much ANYONE could watch. who the hell was doing that??

well, who else other than the guy who johnny (optionally) punched the shit out of for filming alt's death: thompson, media guy, and according to rogue, “bad luck”. because you know, recording your crimes is straight up evidence that can be used against you.

during the alt flashback we meet thompson, and just after that in cyberspace before meeting alt, johnny tells v that he has no idea what happened to him and that they never worked together again.

oh, johnny, you lying bastard man

this is blatantly untrue, and if V even had two braincells and better memory than a goldfish they'd know this--in the first flashback sequence where johnny and rogue nuke arasaka tower, thompson is on the comms as they ride the AV towards AHQ, questioning their plans and use of violence.

which leaves me with some questions, like where the fuck is thompson, why does johnny keep lying about this, why doesn't johnny say almost anything about how you interact with the aldecaldo clan nonstop throughout the game when he himself may have been a member of the family for some time?? is he continuing to protect the nomad clan that saved his ass? we know that a lot of his flashbacks are unreliable at best, that johnny changes shit up as desired when presenting V with his memories.

in 2077, you can also find that there’s a remake of “badlands raid” in the shard “new release braindances” that is pretty much everywhere. that shard doesn’t add much, but does mention something along the lines of “many people don’t know the ending of the original” which probably means johnny punched thompson out for filming again, or something.

my running theories: rogue ditched santiago and the aldecaldos with johnny and thompson to nuke arasaka tower, and when johnny died she was stuck looking for (heavily implied by johnny here:) corpo sellout ways to survive.

adam smasher obviously has something to do with this since johnny/rogue's vendetta against the guy isn't entirely clear beyond the smokescreen of "he killed johnny and he sucks". i have done 0 research into this though i'm tired of typing okay

i obviously cannot be certain i have found everything related to this in the game as i’m not even done with this playthrough where i’m trying to pay attention, but i hope this is fun for someone else to dig into.

enjoy, fellow silverhand freaks

EDIT: additional findings

ALRIGHT I HAVE DONE MORE DIGGING AND I AM BACK WITH MORE NOMAD/JOHNNY FINDINGS. these ones are kind of a bummer but VERY interesting.

there’s a shard called “excerpts from a history of the nomads by bb pires” that goes into detail about how nomads came to be

there’s an interesting quote in it: It's hard to imagine a group less inclined to wandering than farmers, but in fact they were the ones who sparked the age of nomads. Natural catastrophes, crops ravaged by bioplagues, armed conflicts and martial law allowing corporations to speculate and privatize land - all this forced them into a life on the road.

when you ask johnny why he wants to take down arasaka, he begins by referencing this himself!!

it’s a little awkward to imagine a nomad V doesn’t also know what he’s referencing, but hey, V is the fool because we are as players and that’s only one life path... so sure.

johnny also has unique dialogue during this scene about a nomad origin V, telling them that he’s been trying to understand how V thinks, and came to the conclusion that “their family was a crutch” and essentially made them stupid because they always had a safety net (lmao johnny calling v privileged basically)

BUT this also may reference why johnny would find it confusing as hell that V doesn’t immediately share the views he does when nomads, in terms of values, seem to be more aligned with johnny than V is. but once again V is the fool for a reason and this is all my own speculation so YOU KNOW.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, at the end of chippin’ in, when you ask johnny what he meant by letting down his friends... santiago is named directly

i thought this was interesting since the only glimpse of their relationship that we get is seeing johnny meeting santiago via the alt flashback for the first time.

so now it’s obvious that while johnny and rogue were with the nomads their friendship developed, and johnny went on to disappoint santiago in some way by being his normal dickhead self

but HOW? how did he disappoint santiago? is santiago even still alive?? did smasher kill santiago and is this why rogue mentions during chippin’ in that she wants smasher to “settle a score” moreso than avenge johnny??

the only additional hints i have are from this shard, which you can find at the aldecaldos camp: “nomads at ground zero”

i’m just gonna transcribe here and bold for emphasis:

It was no secret that Night Corp offered generous pay and, in some cases, free cyberware and biomonitor upgrades to anyone willing to help clean up the crater of radioactive rubble at AHQ ground zero. Some firsthand accounts recall the incessant ticking of Geiger counters, like the loud buzz of cicadas in summer. In retrospect, we can only guess how many "crater cleaners" lost their lives to radiation sickness shortly thereafter. Both the city government and Night Corp have claimed casualties were kept to a minimum, while providing no official statistics to substantiate the claim. That being said, they have never been under pressure to release such figures. After all, most rescue, engineering, and rubble cleanup teams were not local Night Citizens, but nomads. Surprised you didn't know? Don't be. It is a fact many history courses tend to overlook. The city employed hundreds of nomad mercenaries, primarily from clans in Aldecaldo nation. These nomads were hungry for gainful work and the city needed experts who were not only experienced but brave enough to knowingly put their lives on the line - all so Arasaka could one day erect another tower in its place. But history is not without its sense of irony. These nomads, who so deliberately live outside our so-called "system," came to its very rescue. Not for the first time. And not for the last.

a main theme we find in this game is the idea that the system of corps and exploitation cannot be stopped by grandiose rebellious gestures--no amount of samurai songs, assassinating mayors, or even planting nukes in towers will change things. yet johnny, his friends and mercs at atlantis in the 2020s, including rogue, chose to rebel any way they could, thinking it better than not. johnny criticizes her lack of rebellious spirit CONSTANTLY in 2077.

but ultimately, johnny, trapped in mikoshi, didn’t get to see the outcome of what detonating the AHQ nukes did to night city’s fragile ecosystem. rogue, however, did--and likely watched their former allies, the aldecaldos, be forced to take dangerous work at AHQ’s ground zero (from lack of other opportunities as detailed in this shard), then die from radiation sickness throughout the following decades, all as a result of what she and johnny did to try and fight the system. and she also watched all the former mercenaries of atlantis be hunted down by arasaka.

so rogue sees firsthand what the cost of rebellion is and johnny doesn’t. and nomads, considered the most free of any of the factions we encounter in the game, are the cost.

#lore post #johnny silverhand #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk2077 #cp2077 #cyberpunk lore

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thotinshield · 3 years

Text

Danny’s Bagginshield Fic Recs (2021)

I haven’t done a fic rec in literal years, and I keep meaning to, but then I... don’t. This is a massive list - so I will put it under a read more to save your dashes.

Modern AUs

A Remover of Obstacles by MistakenMagic

"Dis often chided her older brother for being a misanthropist. She did it so often it had become a term of endearment. It was true that Thorin struggled with people; he struggled to form and maintain relationships. Dr. Grey had diagnosed him with this and Thorin hadn’t the heart to tell him this wasn’t a symptom of his PTSD, it was a symptom of his personality. He exercised a sense of apathy with almost everyone he met… But Bilbo was different. Thorin actually found himself wanting to know more about him."

(Note: This fic deals with a lot of mental health stuff, panic attacks, etc, so please please mind the tags.)

By Request by HildyJ

As a musician, Thorin's life can be summed up in tempos. For instance, the concerto he's perfoming on Friday is Allegro - quick and bright, followed by Andantino - slightly slow, and then back to Allegro again.

On the other hand, his relationship with his cute neighbour? Larghissimo - very, very slow.

Stepping Stones by misplacedkisses

It feels like it's fate Thorin's trying to resist, his destiny, his bloodline.

Fresh out of inpatient, Thorin's struck with the urge and maybe it's fate (or therapy) that has him stumbling into a late-night cafe instead. It may be the start of a new life.

Write Me Down Easy by lucyraebrown

Bilbo Baggins, a simple man with a wish for something more than his life teaching high school English, is obsessed with a famous author by the pen-name Oakenshield. Although he knows the future is dim for his chances of finding out about the man behind his favorite book, it's reassuring to know someone has the same thoughts about the world.

Fix-its

I'll Die to Care for You by thehufflepuffhobbit

His gaze landed on Mahal's eyes once more. "You did your best, Thorin." It was tempting to look away; he wanted to deny that with everything he had. It certainly didn't feel as though falling into Gold Sickness and then dying was doing his best. Mahal smirked, as though he knew Thorin's desire to contradict him, and pinched his cheek before walking over to a table. "Aye, I didn't think you would believe me. I'm not lying, it certainly could have gone better. More according to my plan, but I know you really did try."

"Your plan?" He didn't know if he should ask, really. Knowing that his Maker had set a course for him, he didn't want to think about the ways he had done everything wrong. There were too many examples of mistakes in his long life, too many opportunities that he had missed that had probably been planned for him from the beginning.

Or:

Mahal feels like Thorin fucked up his legacy and gives him a do over.

Roses of Iron by Porphyrios

Two years after Bilbo returned from his adventures, he's made his peace with being back in the Shire. He still wonders what might have happened if things were different, but figures all that is behind him now. A mysterious visitor turns out to be someone he never thought he'd see again, and he's shocked by the news he hears.

Beside Myself by bliboboggins

"What are you doing? Just who do you think you are?" Startled, Bilbo turned around slowly. And there, in a familiar patchwork dressing gown, brandishing a fire poker wildly about, was... Bilbo.

i wouldn't have danced like that with any but you by Percyjacksonfan3

Thorin has survived the Battle of the Five Armies but his relationship with Bilbo is uncertain and precarious, especially in the newly reclaimed kingdom of Erebor. With Kíli set to marry Tauriel, and the Dwarves of Erebor still holding prejudice against outside races, Thorin must choose between his nephew's happiness or his own.

Though he believes sending Bilbo back to the Shire is for the good of everyone, he and the rest of Erebor are thrown into turmoil when 5 years later his nephews secretly plot to bring Bilbo back. Coming face-to-face with Bilbo again makes it impossible for Thorin to stay apart from him any longer- but is Bilbo still willing to be with Thorin once more after he broke both of their hearts?

A Matter of Payment by heartshapeddog

"And Thorin rose from the little table, keeping Bilbo’s fingers crushed gently in his own, and went down to his knee before him. Bilbo was struck with the likelihood that no creature greater than a farm-dog had lowered its head before a Hobbit since the birth of Eä until this very moment. He looked down, fascinated, at the crown of Thorin’s head, bare of royal circlet, and felt at once humbled and strong.

“I swear it,” Thorin said, and Bilbo thought of the vows from Elven history, of the type which followed the oathkeeper to the ends of Arda as a deep and binding magic. Then, he took Bilbo’s knuckles up to his lips. The rasp of his beard and his soft mouth were shocking in their immediacy and contrast. Bilbo could not help his racing heart."

Feet that Wander Have Gone by WednesdaysDaughter

“Run away with me.”

Bilbo turns to see who would say such a cowardly thing only to realize it was his own traitorous mouth which has run away with his heart: They’re already down the mountain and past Mirkwood by the time he realizes no one has objected.

“What a delightful solution my dear boy,” says Gandalf who looks to the east where the eagles are skimming the horizon.

Other AUs

between synapses and circuits by MistakenMagic

Different diagnostic results slowly trickled through and Thorin swiped them all to different corners of the screen depending on their relevance and evidence of abnormality. He paused when a particular chart appeared and smiled to himself.

“What?” Bilbo murmured, sounding genuinely worried.

“Your heterochromia,” Thorin explained, meeting Bilbo’s green and blue gaze. “The irregular algorithm that causes it has been running for almost half a century.”

“Most mechatronics offer to fix it for me,” Bilbo said, looking away, seeming suddenly self-conscious.

“Then they’re idiots.”

(Note: I just love MistakenMagic’s works. That’s all. This one is good and she writes angst so so well.)

past one hundred thousand miles (feeling very still) by childishinquiry

Commander Thorin Oakenshield is the leader of the first Mars mission, Project Golden Eagle, with twelve crewmen. Back on Earth, Specialist Bilbo Baggins is their communications specialist. Making history is easy; it's much harder to deal with falling in love with the person on the other end of the signal.

Hallowbit by batherik

As simple pawn shop owner in the human world, Bilbo isn’t all that thrilled to find himself lost in Thorin’s magical undead kingdom. Lured there by an old man dressed in grey, who turned out to be a wizard, Bilbo is charged with doing a job no one wants to do: fetch the King’s head from the corn maze. The King often loses his head when his temper boils over.

In the House of a Skinchanger by Bardic

Thorin and Company have finally reached a safe house after a few crazy weeks on the road. After three days of goblins, orcs, and a massive bear that's chased them into the home of one of Gandalf's acquaintances the Company is quite exhausted and quite tired of surprises. Unfortunately for them, or fortunately there is another staying there.

Master Baggins is not who the Company expected to find, especially when he claims to be one of the only outsiders Durin allowed a title and a rank to. Although that's the least surprising thing about him.

Thorin makes some discoveries and has some observations.

Basically an AU where Bilbo is a skinchanger and the Company meet him at Beorn's on accident.

It Runs In The Family by Imagined

At first, Bilbo is very glad to hear of the new alliance between Erebor and the Shire. He is even more excited when he learns that some of his family members are coming to the Lonely Mountain to discuss the details.

That is, until the dwarves (and Thorin, who is decidedly not and never shall be his) start getting along a little too well with one of his more adventurous cousins, and Bilbo starts doubting about his place.

#bagginshield #fic recs #fic rec list #okay these aren't all my favorite fics but to do that would take days so - take these

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meili-sheep · 2 years

Note

There is a possibility that Kaeya was injured/fell ill last minute at the time of Varka leaving, because honestly it's the only way the entire thing makes any semblence of sense (leaving him behind is still dumb)

And from the descriptions it just seems like Varka is just a decent guy at the wrong position, possibly a result of an on-field promotion. From my knowledge every voice line about him mentions that he's crazy strong, and barely anything else. So my guess is that he was promoted during a conflict of some kind, and is just incompetent behind a desk and nobody ever corrected him

Im not saying he's a good leader, at least two of his known actions were dumb as hell, but we have very limited info about him and what we have fits the decent-but-carefree military veteran turned leader trope, and Diluc joining the knights at a young age can be explained by them being a Knight order, which historically accepted aprenices at a really young age so that they had more time to learn basic combat/weapon maintenance/safety precautions before being allowed to actually fight. So I'm guessing 12/13 is the normal age at which they accept trainees, since Mondstadt is based on medieval Germany

(I've read all of the lines about him to check if I made any mistakes, and only somewhat negative ones are Rosaria saying his rants are boring and Diluc saying he doesn't understand Varkas actions, probably in the context of the expedition, and all of the other ones describe him as "strong and caring")

(Please don't interpret this as an attack, I just got a little tired of the general negativity that I couldn't find too much backing on)

So I've read what you're talking about. And well, assuming Kaeya was sick or ill is quite a bit of a leap, in my opinion. There seems to be barely a year gap between the webtoon and the game. And to pack up an expedition, it would take a lot of time to prepare. But it's not out of the realm of possibility. And Genshin's time frame, in general, is really funky. So I'll agree there.

But I'm going to be a little more prickly since you pulled that "general negativity that I couldn't find too much backing on" I was entirely on board with you until you pulled that line. Because I read the same things you did. It so happens I interrupted it differently.

And if you want to have a conversation, you may try phrasing it like one. Instead of "Oh, this isn't an attack, but you are wrong,"

This is also discounting that no one is forcing you to read my stuff if you don't like it.

Anyway

And my personal interpretation of it all is that while Varka is not purposely an asshole. He's ultimately careless. He just acts without much thought. And to me, that's a more significant issue.

There is a saying

"The path to hell is paved with good intentions."

That, to me, is Varka. Yes, nearly everyone says he is a good man. But we have his actions.

For example, forcing all his work on Jean. (Character story 3) And seemingly hardly supports her. Yes, in her Character line, she praises him and devoutly follows his teachings. But I don't see how he doesn't look like an asshole, pushing off his duties onto the younger adult.

Also, if we take Diluc joining the knights at 12/13, it still only took him a year to become captain? That's still ridiculous, putting a barely pubescent boy in such a position of power.

And if you want to pull the history card. In medieval times the path to knighthood started as early as 7 but was often about 10. And here is my question to you on that. Does it make it right? Simply because it happened in history, does it make that the right thing to do?

There is a secondary point I want to make. A character should be allowed to be an asshole. They should be allowed to make mistakes and be bad people without totally being villains. I personally don't really see Varka as any kind of villain; his archetype is just the kind that pisses me off. And characters around him can still like him, but as a reader I'm allowed to interrupt his actions as abusive.

Because characters liking him doesn't make him a good person.

#I wouldn't have been so hard #Had you haven't included that last line #and i do my best to tag shit #So you can mute shit #or ya know just not read #So #you do you boo #If you aren't satified I'll write you an MLA formated essay #i'm an English major and in a petty mood #Varka #genshin impact varka #varka slander

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bqstqnbruin · 3 years

Text

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make you cry

All I’m gonna say before this is 😈😈😈

Read the whole series: I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair // I hate the way you drive my car // I hate it when you stare // I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind // I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme // I hate the way you’re always right // I hate it when you lie // I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry // I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call // But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

Flashbacks are in italics

____________________________

“Why do you think?”

“Come on. Tell me.”

-----------------

Your first night in Calgary was supposed to be spent unpacking yours and Evelina’s new apartment, having spent the entire day lugging boxes and furniture up and down the stairs, not wanting to constantly hog the elevator with your endeavors. You were both exhausted, but apparently she wasn’t exhausted enough to not insist you go and explore your new home.

“Come on!” she whines, practically ripping your arm out of your body in an effort to pull you off the couch, “You know that you want to go wander around! Why can’t we just do it tonight, we’ve spent all day in this building anyway.”

“Ev, we are gross, and we are tired. We shouldn’t go out,” you tried to counter, even though you knew she was going to eventually wear you down into going out.

“How are we going to make friends! We can’t go into work on Monday only knowing each other!”

“I love you, too, Ev.” She got up off the couch, her hands clasping under her chin as she juts out her bottom lip. She was right, though: you knew no one in the city and probably should make some sort of effort to change that before you start your new jobs. “Fine. But this doesn’t mean I have to have fun, and we aren’t staying out past midnight.” Evelina starts bouncing up and down in excitement, dragging you to her room so you can start to get ready. “And we have to stay in either tomorrow or Sunday and seriously get to unpacking.”

Both of you start rummaging through the boxes, tearing them open in hopes that one of them will contain clothing that you can wear to go out. “How am I this unorganized?” Evelina asks, tearing open what she thought to be her tenth box, none of them having clothing.

“I don’t think you want an honest answer from me,” you laugh, resulting in her throwing a pillow at your head. “Ok, hey!” you say, throwing it back. “I have my clothes in a few suitcases. Should we raid those and see if we can find anything?”

She laughs, opening another box, “Y/N, I love you, but you have nothing that we would be able to wear out. Your clothes are either business or athletic, and there’s no in between.”

“I’m sure we can find something,” you mumble, knowing she was right.

“No need! I found some clothes!” she said, dumping the box out on her bed. She thrrew a shirt at you, telling you that you were wearing it or else you would be doing all the unpacking yourself. Shooing you off to go clean up, she shuts you out of her room, left in the hallway surrounded by a bunch of boxes.

It’s not that the move was hard, but it definitely didn’t go as you had expected. You and Evelina were both excited for the fresh start, a new group of friends, a new city where no one knew you. Where you wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.

You were always ready much faster than Evelina, so you decided to start unpacking bits and pieces of your room. You open the box labeled ‘decorations’ figuring you could at least try to start to see where you might hang things up. On top in the box is the one picture you didn’t want to see: the picture of you, Evelina, and Thomas on the day before the spring semester of finals your freshman year. The three of you were sitting at a picnic table on campus, surrounded by your textbooks and notes, mid laugh at something Evelina had said, none of you knowing the picture was being taken. You had known him since you were little, the days of learning to swim at the community pool when you were toddlers being some of your only memories from that time. The school dances you brought each other to as dates instead of stressing about having to ask and possibly get rejected by whoever it was that you liked at the time. The nights in college where you would watch movies with each other and fall asleep with the movie running, Evelina coming home and finding the two of you on the couch with the tv on, all of you going to the diner the next morning.

He was your other best friend besides Evelina. He knew everything about you, probably more about you than Evelina did, probably more than you even knew about yourself. He was also in love with you without you feeling the same. The night you found out you and Evelina were moving, he told you that, begging you not to go and stay there with him. You told him you couldn’t and you haven’t talked to him since.

You didn’t know that you had packed it, you thought you left it in your closet back at your parents house. Evelina knocked on your door, letting herself in before you could hide the picture, “Hey, are you ready?” She sees you staring at the picture, tears threatening to fall as you think about the move that cost you your best friend. “Thomas?” You nod, shoving the picture in your desk, hoping that you would be able to look back at it one day. “That’s not going to happen again,” she tries to reassure you, pulling you out the door. “How many girls have their best friend fall in love with them twice?”

Evelina finds a bar down the street from where you live, walking there instead of paying for an Uber, thankful that you were able to take your mind off Thomas. And Evelina was right, wasn’t she? How many girls' best friends fall in love with them to begin with? So what are the chances of that happening twice?

You get to the bar, taking in the scene around you; a group of guys sitting in the back, some college girls trying and failing to get their attention, some other groups of people, everyone in packs except for you and Evelina. “We could go talk to them,” she says, trying to drag you over to the group of guys.

“No, come on,” you say, trying to resist her pull. Those guys were attractive and there was no way you were about to go up to them and just start talking to them like she wanted you to.

“Come on,” she says, ignoring your protest and dragging you in front of the guys, “Hey, I’m Evelina, this is Y/N,” she starts, “We just moved to the city and don’t know anyone.”

You hated how bold she could be some time, but were at least thankful they made room for two strangers to join them instead of you having to stand awkwardly in the corner, Evelina diving into the conversation with the rest of the group.

The boy next to you didn’t seem to be paying attention to her, just like you weren’t. There was something about him that you couldn’t take your eyes off him, his curly hair, the blue eyes, the stupid grin that was on his face. Whatever it was you saw in him, he found something about you that he couldn’t stop staring at. “I’m Matthew,” he whispers. You smile at him, the guys laughing and bringing your attention right back to the group.

“You don’t know who we are?” Elias asks Evelina, the rest of the guys looking just as shocked as he was.

“You count on us watching or following sports, so no.”

Matthew turns to you, seemingly ignoring the rest of the guys. “You know nothing about sports?”

“Well,” you start, feeling your face getting red. He was close to you, definitely trying to hit on you, but for some reason, it didn’t bother you like it would with other guys. “I know about hockey, a little bit about baseball, and then my dad is weirdly into the NFL so Sundays were spent with lots of yelling at his team, but I don’t have a team that I follow.”

The guys laugh around you, sucked into whatever it was Evelina was going on about. “Why don’t we get a drink?” Matthew suggests, getting up before you can say anything. He holds out his hand to you, taking you and dragging you to the bar. “So what do you know about hockey?” he asks you, sitting down on the stool as you took the one next to him, leaning against the bar as he orders something for both of you. You couldn’t tell if the muscle in his arm was popping out because he was flexing on purpose or because he couldn’t help it, but you were surprised his shirt wasn’t ripping at the seams the way it was being filled.

“You don’t want that,” you shake your head, suddenly a little embarrassed, “I just start rambling and it’s never good.”

He laughs, his eyes closing as his smile grew, forcing a smile on your face because of how infectious it was, “Two things will happen: I either zone out while you’re doing something that might make you happy, or I learn something while you’re doing something that might make you happy.” You hesitate, debating on if you should really tell him anything as the bartender brings the drinks he ordered you. “Come on.”

You roll your eyes, smiling at him as you raise your glass to toast to him. “You’re asking for this, Matthew.”

You dive into what you knew about hockey, knowing enough about the history of the sport no matter how dry it was, knowing some of the basic rules even though he had to explain what counts as goalie interference to you, though he didn’t seem to know himself. The last person who listened to you ramble like this was Thomas. You finish telling him, a wave of sadness washing over you at the thought of him. You bite your lip, looking down at your drink.

Matthew reached over to you, his thumb and forefinger tilting your head back up to him. He looked worried at the sudden change that came over you. “What’s up?”

You shake your head, scrunching your face as a signal that you didn’t really want to talk about it. But for some reason, with him, you felt you could. “Just kinda reminded of someone there.”

He studied your face, trying to get a read on what type of someone you meant. “A boyfriend?”

“No,” you laughed, a sense of relief falling on Matthew, “My best friend. Or, ex-best friend, now, I guess.”

“Well whoever they are, they’ve just been replaced.” You looked at him, confused. Before you could ask him what he meant, he started, “I’m your new best friend now. And you can’t tell me otherwise.”

You can’t help but laugh, forgetting about Thomas for a moment. “I think you’ll have to fight Evelina on that one.”

The guys and Evelina sat back at the booth watching the two of you talk with each other the rest of the night. Evelina couldn’t remember the last time she had seen you so animated, so happy to be in an unfamiliar situation.

“I think someone’s in love,” Elias took her attention away from you and Matthew.

“Y/N? No. She doesn’t let herself fall in love that easy. The last guy she dated I don’t think she said she loved him until they had been together for a year.”

“No, not Y/N,” Elias said, the rest of the guys nodding in agreement. “Matty there.”

Evelina scoffs. “No way.”

They watched as the two of you laughed so hard you could barely breathe, Matthew not taking his eyes off you even though you were pretty much doubled over. “Trust us. We could make a list of the ways we can tell that one is in love. And he’s doing all of them.”

---------------

“What are you talking about, ‘the list?’” you try to play it off as if you didn’t know what he meant.

“I know all about that list you were making with the reasons you hate me. I saw it in your kitchen on the fridge when I was over,” he lies, not wanting to drag Evelina into this.

“So what? You’ve known? And what have you been trying to do?”

“I don’t know, trying to convince you that you don’t hate me! Trying to make you forget about that list,” he yells, people around you stopping to stare at the scene you were causing there on the sidewalk. “You know you don’t hate me,” he whispers, take a step towards you.

“You don’t get to decide that Matthew.”

“What can I decide? Because if it were up to me then we would have been together after the night we met. It wouldn’t have taken this fucking long for you to get your head out of your ass to see what we have.”

You take a step back at the bite in his word, feeling the tears fall down your cheeks, your mind running rampant trying to figure out what all this meant. His words stung; you thought he was wrong. You thought everyone was wrong. There was no way this had all been there since you met him the night you moved to the city. “This has not been here since the day we met. That isn’t true.”

“You can’t tell me how I felt about you then, and you can’t tell me how I feel about you now. The one thing I have wanted since the day we met is to be with you,” he tells you, trying to fight back the tears, “And to find out that you were trying to deny that by thinking or stupid ways that you hate me? The way I cut my hair? My driving? You don’t even hate me enough to think of real reasons.”

You can’t find the words to say, pushing past him and heading down the street. You couldn’t take this. He was never supposed to find out about the list. You knew that you were overreacting, but he had no right to know about that. He had no right to spit that back in your face like he was.

“No, no, no,” you hear him say, Matthew stepping in front of you. “Look at me,” he says, his hands on your shoulders, shaking you. “How are you the one who’s mad here? You have no right to be mad at me for this.”

You look at him, swallowing hard. “I don’t? Now you don’t have the right to tell me how I feel. I gave you all of me, Matthew. You’re the only person I would ever let get that close to me. And to find out that you’ve been lying to me this entire time? You know what happened with Thomas.”

“Y/N, listen to me,” he starts, trying to get closer to you.

“No! Matthew, no,” you say, stepping away from him. “Whatever the fuck this was? It’s done.” You let out a sob, pushing past him and running down the street back towards your apartment, Matthew calling your name, watching you run away from him.

“Fucking hell,” he mutters, chasing after you. You were both aware of how this looked, two people running down the street, the one leading in tears while the one trailing was on the brink. “Can you please just hear me out?” he asks, catching up to you. “I saw this list and I panicked. How would you like it if I started listing all the ways I hated you and used those for reasons to not want to be with you?”

“You have reasons you hate me?” you say, not wanting to look at him.

He groans, running his hands through his hair and down to his face. “Of course I don’t. There is nothing that I could think of that you do that would make me hate you. But fuck, Y/N. Ten reasons you hate me? You know how I feel about you. You know that you don’t hate me. So why are you doing this?”

You knew he was right, crying at the fact that you went along with Evelina’s stupid bet. But that didn’t matter to you. “Because I didn’t want to date you.”

His Adam’s apple bobs up and down, his jaw clenched, clearly hurt by your words. “Then what is this? What have we been doing?”

“Nothing. You’re nothing more to me than my friend,” you lie, pushing past him. You knew he was going to follow you, no matter how much you didn’t want him to. This was just a stupid mistake. That’s all it was. This is exactly what you were afraid of happening when Evelina first brought it up and when Thomas had told you his feelings. You were going to lose him.

You get to your apartment, locking the door behind you. You press your back against the wall next to the door, sliding down and bringing your knees to your chest. This was just like with Thomas. This was worse than what happened with Thomas. You were reliving what was the worst day of your life, except now it was with another guy.

----------

“You guys are moving to Calgary?” Thomas asked you, sitting down on your bed. You had texted him that night to tell him you had to talk to him, him rushing over as soon as he could. “Why are you going there? You aren’t going to know anyone.”

“Well, we’ll make friends. We got these amazing job offers out there, Thomas, we can’t turn them down.” He won’t look at you, staring down at his hands with his eyebrows scrunched together. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Don’t go,” he let out, looking up at you. His eyes were shining, filled with tears that were begging to fall.

“What? No, I can’t do that. Evelina already found an apartment for us out there. We’ve already accepted the jobs.”

“Don’t go,” he said again, still not looking at you.

“Why?”

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “I’m in love with you. I always have been. You can’t leave.”

“Thomas,” you let out, trying to process what he just told you. “You-you’re my best friend, you can’t be in love with me,” you stammer out, trying not to panic even though you were doing a horrible job at hiding it.

“You don’t love me, do you?” he asked, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“I don’t think I love you the same way you love me.”

He nodded, running his tongue along his teeth. “Awesome,” he laughs, pain in his voice. “Have fun in Calgary,” He got up, leaving you there on your bed as you tried to figure out what just happened.

“Thomas, wait!” you called after him, stopping him before he can open your door. “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving. I can’t be friends with someone when I love them. Especially when they don’t love me back,” he said, pushing past you.

You stood in the doorway shocked at what just happened. The tears were falling down your face as you watched your best friend walk down the hallway, the last time you would see him.

-------------

You pull yourself up off the floor, heading to the kitchen to get some water. There was no way this was happening to you again. You couldn’t be losing yet another guy because he thought he was in love with you.

At least last time, you didn’t have the same feelings for him. You didn’t even know how you felt about Matthew. He’s your best friend, the guy you go to for everything, the one you spend all your time with. You can act however you want around him, say whatever you want to him. He’s the perfect guy for you.

Except that he’s been lying to you this entire time.

You hear the door unlock, hoping that it was Evelina. Whoever it was slammed the door, going towards the bedrooms. “Fuck,” you hear him mutter, freezing at his voice.

You knew he would follow you here. “Matthew?” you call, trying to figure out where he was in your home. “Matthew, get out.”

“No. We need to talk about this,” he yells from your room, trying to follow your voice. It wasn’t like your apartment was that big that he wouldn’t be able to find you in the kitchen. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this tonight. I want to be with you. Only you. I want you to be my girlfriend.” He finally finds you, slowly walking up to you as if he were afraid you would run from him. “Why don’t you want to be with me?”

You let out a sob, looking away from him. You knew he was hurt over this; you were too. “It’s gonna ruin everything.”

“That’s not a given. This could be so great. This already was so great.” You both stand there in silence, not sure what to say. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”

Did you? He made you so happy. There was no guy that you would rather be with. But he’s Matthew. He came into your life as soon as Thomas left, filling that hole that you left at home when you moved to Calgary. He was supposed to just be like Thomas, just be your best friend and nothing more.

He slowly lifts his hand to your cheek, the pad of his thumb whipping away the tears on your cheek. “I hate to see you cry like this, but Y/N, I need to know: what am I to you?”

“You’re just my best friend,” you tell him, his hand falling from your cheek. “You need to go Matthew. I don’t want to see you right now.”

“Y/N, come on.”

“Matthew, she said leave,” you hear from the door way. You both snap your attention to Evelina standing there, keys still in hand, your bag on her arm.

“Ev, you can’t be serious,” Matthew says, walking towards her.

“Out! Now!” she yells, both of you jumping at the sudden change in her tone. He looks back and forth between you and your roommate, panic washing over him. This couldn’t be happening to you two. “Do I have to fucking drag you out, Tkachuk?”

He finally leaves, Evelina rushing over to hug you as you crumbled in her arms, watching Matthew leave your apartment.

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