#savingme
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Well, here we are. This blog is for me. If you choose to read it, this is my life. Not open for opinions on how I choose to make it better.
I know some friends will worry about me during this time so I wanted a place I can just post my thoughts and let it all out through every day of this journey.
I've received copious amounts of support, and I thank all of you.
There may be days I relapse. I'll be honest and raw here through the whole journey, but I am doing this so I dont kill myself the way the most important person in my life did.
Addiction killed the people I love. It will not be killing me as well.
I intend on the journey to lead me to the tools i need to choose when i can and cant partake in drinking or smoking weed. Right now ive become dependant strictly through boredom and it's sad. I think im depressing to be around and kind of an awful friend.
Something my dad always said to me was "The only thing wrong with you, is what YOU think is wrong" and now I'm fixing those things. I will prosper and be healthy because damn I miss that girl.
I was on birth control for 12 years with no estrogen in my body and that just changed for me in November. My hormones are regulating and I'm over emotional.
I have a lot of work to do... but i will get there.
#selfhealing#sobriety#journey#life#darkness#me#iambeauty#iamcourage#MyDarknessJourney#relationships#love#savingme#friends
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Thank You for Savingme. i wassothirsty
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Dear Child of God,
Jesus transform my life!
With Love, ECIM
Video: Canva Music: Draw me Nearer - Selah Instrumental Music Cover
#god #jesus #holyspirit #gospel #bible #answered #born #kingdomofgod #spirit #borngain #john #savingme #forgiveme #washme #white #snow #submit #baptize #transform #righteousness #goodness #mercy #grace #joy #obedient #share #goodnews #opportunity #bornagain #Glorious #prayer #short #shorts #shortsfeed #canva #ecim
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Vuelven....
Los viejos hábitos ...
Vuelven los hilos que me llaman siempre de vuelta a mi cama,
Vuelven las ganas de llorar descontroladamente, el torbellino de emociones, las pesas sobre mis hombros y el nudo en mi estómago.
Vuelve la realidad alejada, donde solo figuro como parte del paisaje,
Vuelve la necesidad de usar esa vieja careta sonriendo...
Vuelve el consuelo disfrazado de ataúd con ruedas.
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My third BTS related tattoo. Thank you for saving me!
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Chapter 6: Juggling Gets Too Hard
Summary: Tension at home hits its breaking point when Virgil can't separate work and home.
Pairing: Analogical
Warnings: Argument, Swearing, Misunderstanding, Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts, Therapy Mention
Virgil sighed as he drove home, while he loved his job and he wouldn’t trade it for the world sometimes it was tiring to be helping so many different people. The call center he worked for tried their best to make sure one worker wasn’t getting significantly more phone calls than the other. Maybe it was something he was doing differently that was wearing him out.
It had been about three weeks since he’d talked to that stranger on the phone whose story was remarkably similar to Logan’s and yet somehow Virgil related to him. It was as if this stranger, Patton, had managed to intertwine the hell Logan and Virgil went through in high school. That had to have something to do with the reason he gave out his phone number even though it was against the rules and it gave him anxiety. In some way, this felt like he was making up for not being there for Logan when he was suffering through a horrible relationship but also he was showing someone the kindness that he had in high school. He may not remember the name of the boy who was slightly older than him who gave him some shred of hope but he would remember how much it meant that someone offered to help, especially a stranger who had nothing to gain.
Once in the parking lot, he breathed a sigh of relief neither he nor Logan had to get up tomorrow so he could just relax. Virgil smiled to himself as grabbed his phone and walked into the complex, very thankful that they lived on the first floor. He wasn’t at all surprised that Logan was still awake especially after having sent him their signal that it had been a hard day. He shuffled over to the couch and sat next to his boyfriend.
Logan smiled feeling the couch dip and set his book down in favor of paying attention to Virgil, “We both already know it was a hard day. Would you like to talk about it?”
Virgil huffed, “I dunno….I’m not working more than I have in the past but---.” His sentence was interrupted by his phone chiming and he grabbed at it opening the message from Patton then replied.
“Virgil, are you going to finish your statement?” Logan asked, biting back the intrusive thought that said his boyfriend had someone better to talk to and help.
Virgil smiled as he sent another reply not having heard Logan. Patton had sent him a gif that made him chuckle, so he responded with a cute cat gif.
Logan sighed, looking over at Virgil this had been going on for a week now...It was starting to hurt that this was their life. He’d always enjoyed talking to Virgil whether it be about their day, weather, just random nonsense. It was nice to enjoy someone’s company as much as he did with Virgil and it was fulfilling in so many ways that he hadn’t known a relationship could be. He looked away for a moment and then back at Virgil finding him still texting, “V, I am trying here. I can’t help you if you refuse to talk to me…” He said quietly, still trying to bite back his emotion but the tiredness showing through.
Virgil heard Logan’s tone and looked up at his boyfriend blinking as he tried to decipher what the other had said, then heard his phone go off and grabbed at it, opening the new message.
Logan bit his cheek and narrowed his eyes, “You have not put that phone down for more than five minutes aside to sleep or shower.”
Virgil shrugged, “Just talkin to someone….”
Logan scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Yes I can see that.” He took a deep breath trying to calm down, “But we were talking, Virgil.”
Virgil turned on the spot to look at Logan, putting his phone down in the process for the first time in a while, “What are you insinuating, Logan?”
“As if you don’t know.” Logan said with a wave of his hand, “I can see the way your eyes light up when you’re talking to that person and the way you can barely be parted from your phone…” He sighed sadly, “Just don’t lead me on anymore...if you want to break up then just fucking doing it Virgil.”
Virgil jumped from his seat, seething as he glared at his boyfriend, “You know what Logan? That was a low blow and I am not dealing with this or you right now.”
Logan watched as Virgil stormed out of the apartment, grimacing and flinching when he heard the door slam.
This was the right choice and if Virgil kept repeating that in his head maybe he would believe it but for right now it fucking sucked. How could he think I would cheat or prefer someone else over him. I’m just trying to help this struggling person. Why can’t he see that?
Virgil scuffed at the concrete only now thankful that he hadn’t bothered taking his shoes off when he got home. He felt his phone vibrate Logan’s signature and looked at the screen seeing a photo of his boyfriend laughing so hard his head was tipped back. He weighed his options eventually settling on declining the phone call.
He heard his phone go off but not Logan’s signature so he looked down at the phone and smiled at the screen it was Patton.
Patton: We talk about me enough. How are you?
Virgil rolled his eyes at that message. Patton shouldn’t feel the need to check on him. He sure as hell wasn’t going, to be honest. He was supposed to be helping Patton not the other way around so he lied.
Virgil: I’m alright. Just winding down from my shift.
The pair of them texted until Patton said he had to go to bed and Virgil realized he’d been out walking for two hours. He took a deep breath and made his way back to the apartment, the couple missed calls from Logan didn’t go unnoticed. While the fact that he had ignored them made his anxiety flare up he had to trust that they would talk it out like they always did.
Virgil pushed in the door to their apartment and saw Logan, “Jesus Christ, Lo.” He said as he jumped, not realizing his boyfriend would still be up but secretly thankful he was since sleep would evade him until they resolved everything.
Logan offered an apologetic smile, “I didn’t mean to scare you...I was worried but I knew you needed the time but I needed to know you’d make it back home.” He said softly. He swallowed hard, looking at the floor and then back up at his boyfriend, “I’m sorry for what I said earlier...I know I was out of line but you haven’t put your phone down for a week.” He whispered, looking back at the floor, “I know your job is important to you and you want to help everyone but what about us.”
The man standing in the doorway sighed and kicked off his shoes, moving to the arm of the couch and seeing the faintest hint of a smirk on his boyfriend’s lips, “I’m still mad….It feels like you don’t trust me.” He said softly, putting his feet under Logan.
Logan shook his head, “I do trust you...I’m just terrified that you’re going to wake up one day and realize that you deserve much better. Which is stupid and we both know that’s not how love works but sometimes our brain can manipulate the reality we know because of our insecurities.”
Virgil sighed softly and reached out to interlace his fingers with Logan’s, “You are all I’ve ever wanted, Lo.” He looked over at his phone and then back at Logan, “I know I’ve been bringing my work home with me.”
“The fact that you can realize that makes me feel better.” Logan said, a soft smile playing on his lips as he pulled Virgil into his lap, “I know you can’t talk about whatever is happening...but if whoever you are helping is requiring this much attention then maybe they should see a professional.” He said quietly, a hand carding through Virgil’s blonde hair, “I know you are studying to become that professional but you aren’t there yet….so please give them the advice to seek out a professional.”
Virgil smiled, feeling some tension ease out of his shoulders and his brain slow even though part of him still wanted to panic. It was all going to be okay. He kissed Logan’s temple and shot Patton a text to talk tomorrow, “I will suggest it to him….” He sighed, “Did you want to go to therapy that first time.”
Logan chuckled, shaking his head, “No I did not. Remember when we told my mother?” Virgil nodded and he continued, “once she knew, at least what I was willing to say, she thought it best I seek help from a professional.” He smiled sadly, “Of course, we both know my mother is not dumb and knew there were things about my relationship I left out. But she trusted that I would tell this professional and if anything was a serious threat then she’d be notified.”
Virgil nodded, the conversation with Logan’s mom had been difficult but they all knew therapy would be the safest avenue and even though Logan fought them both on it, he did eventually give in, “I’ll do my best with the person I’m talking to...I want to help them.”
“You want to help everyone but the fact of the matter is they may not realize they need something more than peer to peer counseling...and while it is not your duty to coddle them or tell them what to do, suggesting to them that a true professional might be better and giving them resources might be how you help them best,” Logan said softly, as he felt Virgil relax further and nearly fall asleep in his lap. He sighed and smiled at his boyfriend, kissing his temple and holding him.
Saving Me Taglist:
@fandomsandanythingelse
@nyxwordsmith
@michealawithana
@fanfictionsideaccount
@bubblycricket
@moose-1967
@electricdaisycat
@coffeestudylive
@milomeepit
@areyousirius-noheisdead
@dragonangel-funandfire
@leesacrakon
@sunshine-goblin
@ilovemygaydad
@thisrandomperson102
@kittenclever
#thomas sanders#sanders sides#Analogical#logan sanders#virgil sanders#argument tw#swearing tw#misunderstanding tw#anxiety tw#intrusive thoughts tw#therapy mention tw#savingme#chapter 6#myfics
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"For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever."
Matthew 6:13
#theroyals#willow x robert#rillow#robert henstridge#willow henstridge#thekingandqueen#salvation#savingme#thisisourtime#willobert
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Saving Me
All along she thought she was captured
Her wrists held down, a finger even fractured
She was the flesh and blood of wanting to fit in;
Of needing acceptance from within
She spent her days waiting for the rain to come
And cleanse her from the person she has become
There were so many questions and too little answers
Yet the truth she once believed in unfolds and uncovers
She knows that she is more than her scars and sacrifices;
That she’s full of twists and surprises
She slowly sees that being afraid of drowning that you forget to swim
Wouldn’t help even to her most desperate whims.
Check out more @ecstaticallymelancholic
Submit a poem or quote from your collection!
jgreyblog.tumblr.com/submit
#abstractcommunity#writerscreed#poetryriot#savingme#writing#writer#writersontumblr#writerscorner#writerssociety#poetrycommunity#poet#poetry#poem#poetsontumblr#submission
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Thank You For Saving Me #MeMarcoMartinez #HeroAndLegend #MilwaukeeBrewersNation #ThankYouForSavingMe #ThankYou #SavingMe #SavedMe https://www.instagram.com/p/CG42vWWnfAb/?igshid=9vr9kzexinjg
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FINALLY HOME SAFE WITH KYLE AND DANIEL, DAKOTA SETTLES INTO DAILY LIFE BUT GETS A NASTY SURPRISE!!! HER CRAZY EX
CAN DAKOTA SAVE HERSELF?
AVAILABLE AT AMAZON
https://www.amazon.ca/Saving-Me-Finding-You-Book-ebook/dp/B00U7LHQKO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1517324491&sr=1-1&keywords=SAVING+ME++AMANDA+MACKEY
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Guess who just locked themselves out their house!😑 I have to wait an hour for someone to come home to let me in. #starbucks is #savingme from #freezing 🥶 all I wanted was to go to the grocery store!! It was only going to take 10min. (at Starbucks) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4V12dFHDoV/?igshid=b59vngamcg70
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I know no one is going to come save me, that's why I want to seduce you. I want to feel the power I don't have in my life. The control to make you think I want you.
I know you will never save. I will never ask you to. However, the feeling that in some life, in some line story you do, will make me stay awake at night hoping. This life might be over, but I know once every thousands of lifes, everything works out.
#life #femmefatale #seducing #savingme #linestory #femme #fatale #seduce #hope #power #control #saveher
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It's 6am and it's a free day w no work n I just woke up from a nightmare and in really sleepy an idk I guess autocorrect is s savingme an makes me sound kinda with sense even uwu km gonna. Go to sleep now gnigyt
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Saving Me
Prequel to Saving Me: The Spiral
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5
This chapter is really dark
Warning: self-harm (Freezing water and cutting), intrusive thoughts, panic attack, trouble breathing, uselessness, hopelessness, suicide, thinking of death, minimal blood, anxiety, crying, failure, body image
A/N: This is my attempt at an AU, but please look out for the warnings before each chapter, this is going to be triggering and I am going to do my best to tag all of them but I will need your help to make sure I don’t miss anything. I want you as readers to be safe. This was inspired by @ilovemygaydad and their fic Friends in Dark Places, which I highly recommend, you can see the all the chapter links and my thoughts on the story as a whole here.
It had been two weeks since the first post-it note. Every day it would be something new but always written on the electric blue paper. So far Virgil’s favorites were “PUPPIES,” “BOYS,” the day after boys he got one that said, “GIRLS,” then the following day he got, “Or whoever you’re attracted to or no one at all!” These notes while very cute and silly, helped a lot. Virgil had started a collection of notes on the inside of his closet door and anytime he felt like self-harming he would look at the notes. Sometimes this worked and other times on particularly bad days, it didn’t work, and he would slam the door closed. At least with the door closed he wouldn’t feel like such a failure. Virgil knew that whoever was writing him these notes would be disappointed anytime he relapsed so anytime he did, the closet door would have to be closed, “out of sight out of mind,” right?
There was one particularly bad day, nothing really stood out to make it worse, but it was probably the worse he has ever gotten. Virgil had started to count on those post-it notes, they were his lifeline, obviously, he knew that was stupid and that he couldn’t count on them forever, but it was all he had for now. Then one day a note didn’t show up, he figured the writer, had finally given up on their project and decided that Virgil was a lost cause. He would have to agree with that, if he was holding onto sticky notes from stranger to get him through life then maybe he was a lost cause.
That day when he got back home after not receiving a note, no amount of looking at the wall of sticky notes, was curbing his urge. He finally gave in and went to go take a shower. He had told his mom that the cold water was being fickle after the first time he was unable to get the temperature he wanted, she had called a plumber and they took care of it. While the freezing cold water worked in his shower, today it did nothing for him in helping to quiet his mind, no amount of time under the water that pricked him like needles was helping. Once he figured out that his usual tactic would not work, he stepped out only after about 30 minutes under the freezing water.
Usually, the freezing water turning off his brain would give him energy, but this shower seemed to do the opposite. Upon exiting the shower Virgil was completely drained, he opted for sitting on the floor in his towel, much to his intrusive thought’s delight there were nail clippers within an arm’s reach. Virgil grabbed the nail clippers, his heart rate steadily increasing, his breathing becoming more ragged, his hands shaking, every part of his mind and body giving him signs that he should stop but his intrusive thoughts were “louder.” Without even thinking about it he moved his fingers so that the metal nail file connected to the nail clippers was exposed, his mind was beyond reason. Auto-piolet had kicked in, it felt like someone else was in charge of his movements, as he moved the towel up to expose his thigh.
All the words that Virgil could think of that made sense to carve into his porcelain skin were too long, “useless.” “worthless,” and “hopeless,” all of these words while very fitting were compromised of too many letters. Virgil also knew his pain tolerance was very low, so maybe just one letter for each time he failed. The tip of the nail file was dull, which meant he would have to apply more pressure, but if this would stop his thoughts and dull his pain for even just a moment, then it was worth it.
Slowly, his hands shaking from adrenaline or maybe anxiety, but eventually, the dull tip made contact with his pale thigh. The tears fell silently from his face whether it was from fear or possibly regret, even Virgil couldn’t tell. His breathing hitched at the exposure to the cold point of the metal. He hesitated for a second as the tip of the file made contact with his skin, but without overthinking his action he forcefully pushed down and began to carve a “u,” once he finished that letter he could barely breathe. The breathes were coming in rapid and short, not quite filling his lungs, or giving his brain enough oxygen.
The carving didn’t draw much blood, it hurt and would likely scar but luckily for Virgil the blood was minimal, or at least a lot less than he thought. Somehow the intrusive thoughts that had urged Virgil to this display, had forgotten the fact that the sight of blood, made him dizzy. His shortness of breath combined with the minimal amount of blood, caused black spots to form at the edges of his vision. Virgil dropped the nail clippers and placed both hands palm down on the cold tile floor hoping that it would ground him and bring him back to reality.
He knew that he should place his head between his knees, but he could not bring himself to be in that close of proximity to his failure. Failure was a good way to describe this new mark. He had failed the person who gave him notes because obviously, they were under the misguided impression that Virgil was somehow worth the space he took up. He failed his mother, by not living up to her expectations and if she ever knew, she would likely be more disappointed than worried. He was her only child, and he was meant to be this perfect child but no he was just a fuck up. Virgil guessed he had also failed himself in a way. He was supposed to be taking care of these feelings he had but no he couldn’t deal with them, so he found ways to escape just like the coward he was.
Those sticky notes in his closet seemed to mock him as if to say “haha, knew you couldn’t do it.” What was the point in having reasons to live when he would disregard them in search of relief from his? From his place on the floor, Virgil silently cursed the sticky notes, it was their fault, he was like this! The notes had such high expectations, they were suffocating him. Those damned notes were asking too much of him, they wanted him to stay alive! He wasn’t even sure he wanted to die! All he wanted was for his life to go back to normal. He wanted his best friend and confidant back, the loneliness was starting to get to him. While Virgil knew there was no good reason to self-harm he knew damn well that a lack of a person in his life was not a good enough reason. Virgil couldn’t help it though, he needed this escape, probably more than anyone would ever understand.
The series of events and emotions masked the pain and the hell that his life had been, even the panic that he felt now was a much-needed break from the thoughts. Through the panic was a nagging voice that urged Virgil to take care of his new failure. While he wanted to be numb and stop thinking, he didn’t see any reason that it should have to get infected.
He had to be rational, he had to take care of himself. He could not give in to the part of him that said to give up. He may have made some bad choices but he wasn’t ready to die, not yet! Although the part of him that said, “give up,” was much louder than the part of him that said, “continue on.” Even though everything sucked right now and his life had pretty much always sucked, he wanted to live, right?
Tag list: @fandomsandanythingelse@justanotherpurplebutterfly @nyxwordsmith @michealawithana @fanfictionsideaccount@bubblycricket @moose-1967 @electricdaisycat @sanders-sides-fic-archive
#myfics#savingme#tw anxiety#tw self harm#prequel#sanders sides#virgil sanders#tw intrusive thoughts#tw panic attack#tw trouble breathing#tw uselessness#tw hopelessness#tw blood#tw body image#tw crying#tw suicide
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