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182-ash · 2 years

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Soft boy solace

This is rather rushed so not my best work but it's a request for @rawrbies, hope you're doing okay and I hope I did this alright

Wilbur soot helps reader deal with breakup

Three times. That was the amount of times you'd cried this just this morning alone. You'd been broken up with a few days ago and your mental health had been plummeting since. Wilbur had been the first to know, noticing you were a little 'off' on call. He'd understand, you thought, he's been through this it will be okay but that tiny voice in your head had warned you that you'd become a burden to him and only make him worry meaning you very much downplayed how it had been making you feel. Now things were at an all time low and you were really starting to regret not being totally honest. As a heavy sob wracked through your body you decided enough was enough, you needed the help of your best friend. Opening discord you typed out a few messages but settled on this.

*Hi wil, I'm really sorry to bother you and I hope your not streaming rn but I could really use some comfort today, the breakup has been quite emotional and I'm not sure what to do, could we talk for a bit*

*of course y/n, its really no bother, I'm always happy to help and I love chatting to you it brightens my day, we could just call but your welcome to come over and we could watch a film together*

You thanked wil for his generosity and headed over

Wil had opened the door before you even had time to knock , immediately opening his arms for a hug. It was warm and comforting, enveloping you in his scent, he smelt of home and childhood, making all your troubles melt away. If you could stay there forever you would but wil was already tugging at your arm, leading you to the sofa. The lights were turned down to a warm glow and you could make out a pile of blankets recognisable from various childhood sleepovers. Two steaming mugs of tea were set on the coffee table next to a stack of dvd boxes. "Yep! All of them twilight films" wil said, proudly gesturing to the selection. You smiled at his antics, feeling slighly happy for the 1st time this week. He then chucked a large jumper at you along with giant pyjama trousers and the instructions "meet back here in five, I'll set up the films"

Warmth enveloped you for the second time that evening as you drowned in his comically oversized hoodie, consumed by his smell. You emerged into the living room greeted by laughter from wil at the sight of you. He patted the sofa next to him "sit. Come tell me what's happened"

Wilbur listened intently, chipping in with advice when necessary and staying silent when required. When you finished explaining your situation you'd moved close enough to be leaning on his shoulder. He finally spoke up again "y/n I am so sorry that happend to you, no-one deserves to be treated that way, your amazing just as you are and I wouldn't change that for anything" Then you were crying again but for a whole new reason, Wil was being so nice and you weren't sure how to deal with it so it seemed you had resorted to tears. As he reached up his hand and wiped your tears away you mumbled a brief "thank you", not knowing how to display your gratitude. "Oh y/n you're welcome, do you want to start the films now? I've got strawberry yougart!" He said enthusiastically and you could almost hear him waggling his eyebrows. It was childish really, but you guess that's why you liked it so much, it reminded you of better days. "Mm-hm go on wil, although I can't promise to stay awake, I'm just so unbelievably tired, it's surprising how exhausted I am after all this" you had to admit although it was much needed the release of emotions had really taken its toll on you.

You were less than halfway through the film and wil could already see you fighting to stay awake so he gently wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer. When he turned to look at you only a couple of minutes later you had fallen into a peaceful slumber. He turned the film down to avoid waking you and gently scooped you up in his arms. He knew you'd hurt your back if you stayed asleep on the sofa for any significant amount of time so decided to carry you to the guest bed. He placed you under the covers and pulled a blanket up before gently pressing a kiss to your forehead. He could've stayed for hours, intent on making sure nothing disturbed you and no-one hurt you ever again but he could feel his own bed calling. “everything will be okay. i promise.” and with that, he closed the door and left, taking one last glance at the peaceful form of his best friend. A fact he wouldn't change for the world.

#dsmp x reader #wilbur soot #wilbur soot x reader #x reader

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boxwinebaddie · 8 months

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if u could assign yourself one of your ninaverse characters who would it be🤨

okay wait a minute, this was kind of difficult i had to break it down…BUT I THINK I CRACKED IT!!!!!

also sorry you do not have to read this, this is a nina character study but it was really interesting to me lmaooooo. i dropped some nina pic crews at the bottom and bolded the important bit. <3

tysm for asking btw! this was really fun omg

so i think i...Present the most like bebe? like i, unfortunately, am THAT annoying. all of her dialogue is only a slightly barbiefied exaggerated version of what i might say...and not by that much. i am a fashion y2k mall crawl slay olay swear on britney girlie!!! and i would hit u with my purse if u were moping around about a boy that didn't deserve u!!! i would hit that man with my car!!!! if i could drive!!! which i cant!!! well!! im for the girls gays and theys!

so i guess like on the more extroverted side of my personality i would be bebe but on the more introverted side...

i am very pep!stan. like bebes dialogue is the easiest for me to write, but all of stans introspection is the easiest for me to write because i just really...feel him in my bones. like i really kind of AM a lot of him in pep at this point bc i am also a very mentally ill, dramatic, crybaby chaotic bisexual, broken but tries to fix everyone human. i also never stopped doing egirl eyeliner/makeup...and i am also x 300 ( can i stop saying also pls ) asian and white but extremely white passing so...i would probably look the most like egirl pep!stan with bebe y2k accoutrements.

he’s special to me bc he’s a lot like me so if you're reading pep or even like rm stan ( i want to be him but i am not a sexy rockstar with ptsd unfortunately ) and something feels particularly strong to you…i probably lived it. like unfortunately, i was an alcohol coping mechanism girlie in hs and most of college :/ i gave him my bipolar, my cringey middle school emo phase, irl i won shot roulette, i do my best, i cry a lot, i am a lover girl, i also am short and cant drive...was in love with my best friend in hs lmaoooo

so i'm kind of a bebe sun...stan moon?

which really should just make me kenny because kenny naturally is kind of the out of pocket-depression bridge between bebe/stan, and like i do b hitting on all my friends and actin up...but depending on how much i am vibing i am either a strong tequila ten kenny on the tabletop or i am kyle on his phone in the corner overstimulated.

but tbh i am probably a kyle rising...just bc of academic ravenclaw girl vibes. he also has all my cat girl energies, me being annoyed 24/7, the thrift store sweaters, pride and prejudice is also my favorite book, his need for praise, in general but mostly academically ( ok but stan being terrible at math is extremely me ) OK OK OK WAIT BEING IN LOVE WITH MY BFF IN HS IS ACTUALLY MORE KYLE THAN STAN FOR ME!!! if u feel that horrible pain in ur heart reading pep...like specifically watching kyle just be in love with stan...THAT WAS ME BABY THATS ALL REAL!! I WAS KYLE

i can also be a little marjorine bc i really like hello kitty and sometimes i am a soft gal but unfortunately my writer girl joker arc is winning rn.

IN CONCLUSION!!!!!!

i look and act the most like bebe, i think/feel the most like stan but i am the most like kyle?

like my outside is very pink y2k, my soul is very cringey, emo, sad, doing my best, finger guns and my brain is very like writer girl, riddles, school, mom friend, anxious neroutic.

i am like if you took stan ( specifically his nice sad heart but also his edgy boy depression ), dyed his hair manic pixie dream girl insane bitch blue, did his emo boy eyeliner to the max, put him in a pink juicy couture rm!bebe tracksuit, basically gave him all of bebe's y2k princess girlbossery and gave him kyles crazy insane boy anxiety overload, perpetual exhaustion, dark academia brain capacity…also made him a tired boxwine drinking dying college student like rm!kyle….THATS ME BABY!

ahdslksahdldas HELP

ok idk if this helps i am sad that i am worried about my digital footprint otherwise i would post pictures!!! most of you remember what i look like tho haha! rip but here are weird piccrews i did idk if this is gonna help even...

also my hair is usually much more blue rn it is faded i need to redye her it’s like dark blue on the top and light blue near the ends! my favorite color is green but i wear a lot of pink, also that is my cat lily!

LAST ALSO OMG I DO NOT HAVE FRECKLES IM A LIAR BUT I DO DRAW THEM ON EVERYDAY LIKE A DIRTY LYING FAKEY FAKER!

thank u for coming to my red talk!

-uncle nina, bebe sun stan moon kyle rising

#like i really am all three kinda blended into a little box wine beverage #i am also a kyle swiftie and a stan maccaferty girl im the joker ik #really if u put a gun to my head…id be stan but Pink #but also if i was less depressed and more annoyed id be pink kyle #so i really am either stan or kyle dressed up like bebe #i am particularly drawn to writing like mad as hell academic tired secretly cares neurotic character #and is wonderful and kind and so sad golden retriever lover boy characters #bc both are so me #this was insane thank u for reading this #nina ceo of mean smart gay boys and sad nice bisexual boys hq

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eolewyn1010 · 2 years

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Doing a tiny little catch-up here... oh my God, what HAPPENED while I was gone?? Uh, on with it.

Lucy is feeling well after four days of peace, telling us that van Helsing is doing one Hel of a job. She's sleeping well again, there are no weird noises, dumbass bat can't get in to go batshit, Lucy's starting to love garlic, aaannnd Ace Abe goes to Amsterdam and leaves her unsupervised for the night. Well, that promises to be a doozy.

Doc Seward does some catching-up in the office, having neglected his job a little over taking care of Lucy. And then Renfield, having escaped from his cell, rushes in to try and murder him. Well, I think it's not so much a personal grudge and more wanting to drink some human blood already and having gotten a taste for Jack via mental link to Dracula having a Jack sip via Lucy. Jack informs us that the dripping cut on his wrist is ruining the carpet. Priorities, man. He goes to take care of his wound while Renfield... lies on the floor licking up blood. Okay, ew. Informing us that blood is life, he's locked away again, and Jack calls it a night and goes to bed because what the fuck, dude.

Which means he apparently misses van Helsing's wire. Because Ace Abe, the genius, informs him only after leaving that Jack absolutely has to stay around Lucy tonight. Happens to the best of us.

Back to Lucy. For the last time, it seems. *sigh* I expected this; I did not expect to sympathize quite so much, but alright. If Stoker didn't get to me - Lucy did. Poor sweetheart. In her very last entry, her "when you find this, I'm probably dead" message, she tells us she went to bed all orderly and draped with her garlic blooms. Flapping at the window eventually woke her up; the fear kept her up. And Dracula's wolf howling, too - dude is busy shapeshifting tonight. Then Lucy's mother comes in. At this point, I'm convinced that she's puppeteered via vampire mind control. Because she lies down with Lucy, all cuddles and comfort, and then, as the sounds and sight of the wolf scare her too and Lucy starts to panic about her mother's heart, Mrs. Westenra rips off Lucy's garlic necklace. What a weird coincidence. Then she drops dead. That sure was a quick heart attack. Poor Lucy is fucking trapped under her mother's literal dead weight; this is horrible.

Lucy drops unconscious for a while from the fright or because her mother's body lowkey suffocates her, but she wakes up from all the neighbors' dogs howling and a nightingale singing. The latter might have some symbolic meaning that is lost on me rn; Lucy thinks it's her dead mother singing to comfort her. Okay? A bunch of frightened maids get her out there eventually, then they all need a fricking drink as per Lucy's decision. She takes a moment longer to drape her flowers on her mother's chest. Smart move. She follows the maids to the dining room alone when they won't come back or answer to her calls. Smart. Move. The maids are all sprawled out on the floor and out of it; Lucy makes note of the queer smell this is really bad timing for a comment on how exhausting lesbian orgies can get and quickly deduces that the maids were drugged by pretty mundane methods. She crawls into her room to hole up with her dead mom and write fearful goobyes to Arthur and sundry. Where the window is broken, and there's only death and fear.

And because this formatting just wants to twist the knife, we close with a letter from Mina. To Lucy. Which Lucy never opens or reads. I'm not crying, you're crying! Everything is horrible. Mina's cheerful messages of love, her gushing about Lucy's soon-to-be wedding, her wishes of happiness, her asking how Lucy's mother is doing. Everything hurts; is it Whumptober already? I'm fine. This is fine. Jonathan's boss Mr. Hawkins has practically adopted him, made him his business partner, and wants him to be his successor; this isn't ominous at all. Mina is enjoying living in the neat house and being the most meticulous housewife / secretary in history. Jonathan is slowly getting better both physically and psychologically, Mina is so in love with her husband and wedded life, and she so dearly wants to see Lucy soon. She goes all sappy about loving her "with all moods and tenses of the verb".

...

*sobs*

#Dracula Daily #that was. so. painful.

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kintsukuroi-babes · 1 day

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Message I sent to my friend from the mental hospital about how I feel:

Yea it's overwhelming and so hard to go thru. I feel like you're the only person who understands those feelings better than anyone else I know. Your the only person ik who was literally there for me when no one else was, when I was alone, isolated, the worst point in my life, like nobody could ever understand the pain I was going thru and nobody would understand ever.

In the mental hospital alone bcuz I was wanting to die so badly, I attempted suicide so many times that month, starving myself, making myself throw up all the food I just ate in the ward with the stupid ward toothbrush we had, just self harming and self sabotaging myself so hard even while there. so much despair in life, feeling like me and everyone else was better off if I was dead. You were someone who was there when I was alone and had nobody to talk to and I met you, I realized we were going thru the same illness, the same feelings and same grief and pain and you were always such a comfort for me. You still are like the biggest comfort for me bcuz Ik no matter what I say you understand it in such an important way. Bcuz I met u ans felt so much less alone in everything I was going thru. You know I feel so alone in everything I go thru, and I felt like when I met u I was just feeling like nobody else in the world could compare to how I felt and then I met u and so I feel rly validated and okay with talking to you and knowing that it's not just me who feels exactly like me.

I really am so grateful to you and that I met you bcuz everything I was going thru ans still do you understand so much and I've never met anybody like that. Like the things I am scared to tell people bcuz I feel like it's way to much for someone to hear, like that they would be so overwhelmed and feel like it's too much. I've never known anyone who actually understands everything I say to the core when I describe how I feel in those lows.

Like everything u said is to a tea to what I feel ans I feel like u feel like that too about the stuff I say. I just stress ans feel bad and kind of feel like a broken record or like almost a burden with telling my regular friends about it bcuz Ik I've said the same exact thing a million times (multiple times a week) ans I feel like they don't know what to say or how to help me anymore. It's like they are watching me have the same mental breakdown over and over again and there comes a point when they don't know what to say to me anymore.I just don't want to exhaust them I feel like they are tired of hearing the same thing multiple times a week yenno. But also it's a bit infuriating when they compare how I'm feeling to themselves and their lows, just like reminds me of when my mom used to compare me wanting to end my life to her "lows", it's infuriating and makes me not want to say anymore and just keep it to myself. It just feels like when they do that it feels like almost invalidating, like they aren't really hearing the things I'm saying. I try so hard to get them to even understand a little bit and it never works bcuz they literally don't know anything about it ans are just living as normal regular humans having no idea what it's actually like. It's not their fault but idk I just wish they knew...

it's like I try ans convey those crazy intense emotions and moments into something they can understand but it never works, just makes me lose hope in trying to get them to get it. Like they think when I say that I'm not being serious and just feeling sad but it's not just sad.

They don't understand that when I say "I really just want to kms and die rn" I am literally bawling, self destructing, trying to think of a way to actually harm myself if not kill myself. Like they don't get that I'm not just over exaggerating the killing myself part. Like I actually feel like sick of this life, sick of being so exhausted just by being alive, that I don't think I belong in this world anymore, I shouldn't be here, I'm not meant for this world especially by the way I am forced to live life in such a painful state all the time.

Like nobody understands and I feel like such a misunderstood lost soul all the time.

It's like I have to live a double life honestly, bcuz I feel like I need to hide all these depressing thoughts and have these moments alone bcuz no matter what no one will understand, and if I keep telling people who care about me how I'm truly feeling then all of a sudden they are "so worried about me" ans I don't want to worry them bcuz then I feel like I'm dragging them down into an anxiety filled horrifying world. Feel like such a burden ans that's always how it's been. Felt like a burden to everyone always. Feel like most have my friends have distanced themselves from me bcuz of the repetitive lows they've had to talk me out of. Like should I just stfu ans not go to them idk. Should I just keep it to myself idk.

To them it's so simple, they say there are highs ans lows in life and it's true don't get me wrong, but they don't get the lows I do. They don't get how much strength it takes to go thru the lows I do. They don't feel the excruciating feeling of feeling lowest of your life ans not being able to feel, just feeling completely numbness and no way out. They don't even know how an empath lives. Being an empathic human w bpd going thru their lows. I literally need to slice myself open to feel okay, to distract myself from my own minds mental torture. It's so fucked up, life is such a tiring process.

I'm so scared for the future, bcuz I don't feel like I'm meant for it. I don't feel good enough. Idk if I can actually take working a normal job, just slaving away 9-5 and for what, a house that's unaffordable? Kids I'm terrified of having bcuz they might hate me? Growing old just to get some nasty disease from the consequences of living my life like I don't care? I'm so fucking terrified of the entire world. There's so much despair ans it's so hard trying to shield everyone from all this chaos while also constantly picking myself back up and trying to have hope that it's all going to be okay. The last 10 years I've been convinced I don't want a long life, I don't want to grow old. And life still terrifies the fuck out of me. I still beleive I'm not meant for this world, that I can't take it. I don't want to suffer for the rest of my life the way I have suffered and am still suffering.

I don't think I'm made to withstand another 60 years of it. I don't want to grow old in some nasty disease like cancer, I feel like I'm meant to die before that happens. It's just all so scary to me. I'm scared so scared of being old. I don't wanna face any of it. If this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life I don't want it, but then I'm faced with having to throw all that pain onto everyone else I love while they grow old. I'm so scared. I'm so confused. I'm terribly afraid of all of it. Idk what to do

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thisdogpaystaxes · 9 months

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i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

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remarkable-ghost · 3 years

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i will soon be officially a car owner :’)

#and it’s coming from circumstances that I wish I didn’t have to be part of #my dad was the title owner of the car but I drove it. waiting in the license bureau rn to do the title switches #I know I’m hangry. I know I’m physically exhausted. and by god the whole parent separation is playing such a toll on my mental health #that it’s interfering with my job and I’ll probs be looking for other stuff soon #i react so harshly with my dad. I get so irritated with my mom. basically everyone in my house is unhappy #as a kid I used to remember family dinners and it’d be sad when I’d hear people saying they didn’t have those. like I kinda had pride wit it #and it’s not like we’re the worst broken family in the history. I mean even my older sisters had to deal with worse #just the amount of loops I’m going through is making me so drained and like a deflated balloon lmao #I thought graduating would solve all of my problems! and I had a great start to the summer!#idk. it’s just a lot that’s happening that I don’t wanna be part of #anyways so watching the family dynamics play out is really …. quietly upsetting. there’s no screams or yells or anything thank god #as far as jobs I think my boss is slowly shifting me away from the team I was on and onto the other farm team #which is okay because I like the other farm team too but tbh I feel… slighted.#idk. like I KNOW it’s best for the seeds but at the same time I feel so disconnected from my boss and other coworker when literally 2 weeks #ago we were all sitting around and joking and laughing together. anyways so I feel like it took me a long time to join that group and #it’s gone in an instant. so that really sucks :/#on some happier notes I felt really special to talk with a diff coworker - he’s new and I got a good convo with him yesterday #he just started to work with the youth and we got on the topic of jobs yesterday and how I might be looking and his job searches too #I mean the job searches before his now - anyways we just talked about his adjustment to the job now and his therapist was like #‘do you got any people to connect to?’ and I was one he listed! I felt special and also hilarious because we don’t even talk much #and on another note I asked a diff farmer friend if they’d still hang with me and they said yeah #tbh I think I’m just mourning the loss of community and identity I’d feel should I move jobs - obvs I can find that in other areas but still #anyways I’m just in mourning and a bit at a loss because I felt really confident about how this year was gonna go and it’s not happening lol #the few constants I got in my life luckily include my wonderful support network of friends and loved ones #I think I’m just sad rn :( and need food lol #idk too many thoughts and so much growth to do that I feel tired and it’s too daunting #my anxiety attacks are still frequent and tired defeated but! yeah #idk I’m just rambling now lol. I’m just relieved I’m not disastrous emo now tho #ghost rants

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isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser · 4 years

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emergency donation post. if you have the time please read for context.

please send donations to my cashapp $pikman2

hi i know i dont have tons of followers but im hoping i can get some circulation because my family is in some really dire circumstances rn.

ive always been against making donations posts because i always figured others had it worse than me, but now that theres children involved im desperate and im selling my own things/ working overtime just for cash. my moms wife, D, cheated on my mom with my moms boss after being married for 6 years with 2 kids, and up and left without trying to talk about it at all. After originally kicking us out, she realized she couldnt afford the house thats under her name alone, and let my mom and the kids and my nana live there temporarily. our name isnt on anything, and if my family gets kicked out again theyd be homeless. right now my older brother, my nana, and my two younger siblings- both elementary school children- are dependent on my mom. my mom recently lost her job because she couldnt work under her boss anymore and the entire work place was extremely bad for her mental health. D and her new GF then sent their work friend to go "spy" on my mom while she was out with her friends (D started doing coke again around last year so her behavior is erratic) and the guy who they sent physically assaulted my mom. my mom already has prexisting injuries on her back and a past broken wrist from a few different abusive exes she had years ago, AND on top of that just last year my mom got in a nearly fatal car accident that fucked up her back more, and the assault made these injuries incredibly worse.

my mom (pictured above) has been prescribed new medication, but no longer has insurance because she lost her job. she works retail now which is extremely taxing on her body. my mom lives in texas and has applied many times to state assistance programs but she keeps getting denied. The house isnt in my moms name, so she has no proof of address to allow her to get food from any nearby foodshelves. after the accident my mom has really bad fears of driving and cant drive long distance without her anxiety becoming debilitating.

my brother recently got sick and is getting tested again. my nana has social security but its only 900 a month, really only 700 after buying her meds. my mom and i are the only ones working.

below are the some of the bills my mom has to try to earn in one month on 11 dollars an hour

plus rent which is 1250 and her car insurance. currently they spend all money on bills and barely have food or hygienic products most of the time.

D hasnt been very helpful during all this, as she expects my mom to pay all the bills despite knowing my mom is solely responsible for the well being of 5 other ppl rn, and despite the fact EVERYTHING is in Ds name. unfortunately we cant really negotiate with her because she can just kick us out and then we'd lose shelter.

TL;DR

to clarify, i live in minnesota rn, so im not asking money to help ME, but rather my immediate and closest family- 5 people, 2 children, one elderly. my moms mentally ill, has chronic pain and longlasting injuries mostly from past abusive relationships, recently got in a traumatic accident, then was assaulted by her wifes friend after her wife of 6 years suddenly left after her affair was exposed. she just got prescribed a bunch of new meds that she cant afford but needs in order to keep working, all the while needing to pay off all the bills which comes to a total of about 2,000. there are 5 people in the house- my mom, my nana, my brother and two children. they are all constantly at risk of homelessness, they barely have any food at the house, and because nothing is in there name they cant show proof of address which is required at all food shelves locally. my mom cant drive far because of her anxiety due to her past accident and shes the only licensed driver in the house.

right now ive stopped school completely to work full time at my current job in retail. im trying to find a new job that pays more so that we can start saving money so they can move somewhere affordable and no longer have to deal with D. ive been doing this since the beginning of 2020 and if youve been following me you know i also stopped my own HRT and meds just so my family can eat, which has basically fucked my mental health incredibly, as im already suicidal and have been on and off meds/therapy/inhospital since early highschool. i skip days without eating and only do it when i need to so that my family can have more money. basically, ive exhausted everything i can to help and its still not enough.

Please if you can consider sending any donations directly to my cashapp $pikman2. every little bit helps, even 1 or 2 dollars can help with small groceries. thank you.

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flying-elliska · 3 years

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Ellie I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I actually want to say thank you for posting so openly about your diagnoses and struggles because I am going through something very similar, and it’s actually helped me reach out for help with my mental health. I’m 32 and after my moms death last year I am discovering that not only am I fairly certain that I have ADHD but, I’m starting to realize that I have spent my whole life dealing with Emotional Incest from my mother and that’s something I do not know how to even approach.

I have literally felt like I’ve been going crazy and functioning in the world is becoming harder and harder each day. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything and I am constantly overwhelmed to a point where I don’t know how to cope but seeing you dealing with this is giving me some hope. I know I’m probably not the only person you’ve helped indirectly so please know that you’re not only helping yourself but you’re encouraging me and probably others to do the same. I really hope you find some peace and happiness today.

Anon 💖💖💖 thanks for reaching out, it means so much. I actually had a good (but exhausting) day - I confronted an acquaintance about him being a clueless asshole to some of my other friends, which I don't think I would have had the guts to do in the past. So maybe not peace and happiness, but definitely some satisfaction.

First of all I am very proud of you for reaching out and I am glad I could help in whatever small way I could. I am also sorry for what you went through and still have to deal with. I know it sucks. I am right there too rn in feeling how much it sucks. I think it's an important step to recognize that. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because personally for a loooong time I was just pretending everything was fine, making excuses for the people who hurt me, but I was just running myself ragged and feeling so hollow and splintered and just.... And coming to a point where i'm finally looking these things in the face, and all that buried crap resurfaces...it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, just putting some of these things to paper, trying to do this all month, it's so ughhhhhhh fuck man. It's ugly work, I hate it, but at the same time, sometimes, it feels empowering too and like I am returning to myself and picking up all these shattered pieces and recognizing that part of me that suffered and deserved better that I tried so hard to deny and deaden. Reclaiming my ability to control my own narrative.

So honestly from what you're describing, I think it's very logical that you are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed. Hell, they say during recovery at the beginning it generally gets worse for a while before it gets better. So...even tho it sucks, in a sense, it might be a good thing ? I know it is for me. Much better than previous numbness and dissociation. The pain of truth is purifying - it's so different from the pain of secrets and shame festering in silence. Am I coping very well right now ? No, but I'm learning, and I'm also having these occasional moments of inner reconciliation and mending that feel miraculous ; like that scared, confused inner little girl I used to be feels increasingly less alone and trampled over.

Anyway the good news is that when it comes to ADHD, treatment has a high chance to have a radical positive impact, it's one of the diagnoses where finding the right combo of therapy/meds/lifestyle changes leads to some of the highest rates of positive change. So I really hope you get there.

The rest is...yeah I don't know how to deal with that either, I'm still figuring it out. My relationship with my mother was for so long such a fucking clusterfuck of layers of manipulation, unaddressed generational trauma, repressed grief, good intentions, petty cruelty, inappropriate behavior, unfortunate circumstances and neglect, over projection and blind devotion and gaslighting, enmeshment and lack of boundaries, abuse done for "your own good" with a smile and a reasonable explanation - it made me feel insane for so long, like I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions. And every time I felt like I had addressed one layer I hit on something else, to the point where I started to feel like I would never be free of it. I haven't seen her or properly talked to her in like, seven years and still all this time I was struggling with it - it was necessary to cut contact tho, to assert that boundary. And then to keep building boundaries from there, slowly, frustratingly, to keep digging and asking myself questions. I got stuck and lost so many times, but I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of the tunnel, because knowledge is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Real talk, the emotional incest thing ? I think my mother had a similar dynamic with her own father. And she tried to do better, but because she was unwilling to look at the true ugliness of the situation, instead choosing to wallpaper over it with magical thinking, everything-will-be-fine-if-i-convince-myself-it-is, and an obsession with moral purity, she ended up doing a massive amount of damage of her own. And I am not doing that.

There is a radical power that comes with facing the ugliness head on that I am claiming for myself, and it seems that you are embarking on a similar journey. It's a big thing so we can't do it all at once. I think doing sth like this you have to pace yrself, to chew off little piece by piece, to digest bit by bit, to let some things rot and dissolve, to go through many cycles of doubt and indignity and revelation, to hunt for the truth on pure Instinct and desperate need, to claw off a path from the dark and the impossible, to consider incompatible and paradoxical truths, to let every new bit of knowledge work its way through you and make you stronger and stranger and more yourself. To let yrself be a little bit crazy and seething and deranged, to shake loose the confines of what you thought was reasonable, to find gifts and allies in unlikely places. To expose, to open up, little by little, to find scraps of words that turn into full sentences, to take back power by finding the right name of things. And then, one day, we'll give birth to ourselves this time and we'll find the sun-bleached bones of this horror and make it into jewelry. Or something.

You don't have a handle on things ? Good ! It's probable you have had a handle on things for way too long. Your handle is probably completely broken. So I don't know you, but maybe this is good, in all its harsh inconvenient terrifying way. I know I had to throw away the handle I had first to build a new one. And flying loose for a moment which yeah ! Fucking scary. But also kind of badass, in that private way maybe nobody will ever know but you and so it's extra important you give yourself that credit.

Anyway I'm rambling but I do hope some of this gives you some extra validation. I'm here if you want to talk more, including by message. I know it's helped me so much to read abt other people's experiences, so. It's like a chain of courage, and you can be part of that too.

Also books have helped me so much - some fiction, but especially of late 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed - she's an advice columnist who writes about some super gnarly stuff in such a direct, humane, powerful way, it gave me a lot of strength.

Power and solace to you, anon. 🌸💪🌸💪

#abuse tw #emotional incest tw #personal

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mangoesblythe · 4 years

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Best Friends

masterlist

It was morning and you didn't like the fact that you had to go to school today. you had to face your crush and best friend, Gilbert. yesterday he had walked you home and you accidentally told him you that thought he was very handsome. it was so embarrassing and you didn't think you were able to look him in the eye, especially because of that stupid smirk and all his teasing. however you knew that was just because he was blushing. but since he is your only friend, today is definitely gonna be awkward.

"Dad I'm of for school!" you yelled before grabbing your coat. "Bye sweetheart have fun!"

fun. how can I have fun sitting alone avoiding the guy I like all day.

you quickly made you way to school. Gilbert usually walked with you but he was nowhere to be seen.

I really screwed everything up.

You felt tears welling up in your eyes. you ruined the only friendship you had because of some stupid crush. tears were now streaming down your face. you mentally scolded yourself for being so stupid. when you reached the school house you saw that you were late.

I left on time did I?

everyone was inside already. you quickly went in closing the door behind you. you took of your coat and quickly walked to your desk. your eyes met Gilbert's he looked concerned.

crap I didn't wipe my tears.

you quickly looked away and wiped your tears. you sat down next to Diana. she looked at you with a soft expression but she didn't say anything which wasn't very surprising, you two weren't friends.

you felt Gilbert's eyes on you during the entire lesson and it was torture. you looked at him a couple times and every single time he was staring at you. always with a concerned frown and a soft smile. you heard people whisper things. everyone had seen you crying.

When it was finally lunchtime you jumped up from your seat and ran outside. you sat by the stream and tears were rolling down your face again. "Y/n what's wrong?" you looked up to see Gilbert standing in front of you. "Gilbert please go away." you said with a broken voice. it broke his heart to see you like this. "you can talk to me Y/n. you're my best friend"

best friend. hmm.

"I don't wanna talk about it. please go" you said and you looked down again. Gilbert looked at you with a frown. "okay. but I'm here for you Y/n" he said before walking off. you started sobbing even harder. you felt a hand on your shoulder. "Gilbert go away please" you said not even bothering to look up. "Y/n" you looked up. that wasn't Gilbert. you looked up to see Diana."what's wrong" she asked and she sat down. "I-" you couldn't get the words out. "what's going on between you and Gilbert" she asks. you look at her. "I totally ruined everything. I just can't be around him anymore" you say sniffling. "why not" she looks confused. "because... I have feelings for him" you say feeling a little embarrassed. you're not quite sure why you're talking to Diana about this but it feels nice to get it of your chest. "oh" she says and she lays her hand on your shoulder. "I totally ruined the only friendship I had." you say and you look at her. "I'll be your friend" she smiles at you softly. you look up. "thank you but you don't wanna be my friend" "yes I do!" she says and you smile. you hug her. "thank you Diana."you pull away from the hug and see that Gilbert is staring at you. he looks confused and hurt.

** Gilbert pov

Why are Diana and Y/n talking, since when are they even friends? and why isn't she talking to me? did I say something? why would she talk to Diana instead of me? I'm supposed to be her best friend.

school day is over. you haven't said another word to Gilbert but he keeps looking at you with this sad expression on his face.

maybe I should talk to him. see what's bothering him.

you see Gilbert quickly walk out of the school. you grab your coat and run after him. "Gilbert wait!" you yell. he turns around. he's crying. "Y/n.." he speaks quietly and his voice sounds hurt. "why are you crying?" you ask and you go up to hug him but he dodges you. "Gilbert..." "Y/n aren't we supposed to be best friends? what happened. what did I do wrong?" tears roll down his face and you're now crying too. "you did nothing wrong Gilbert" you say with a soft expression. "then why are you avoiding me?" he asks calmly and he stares into your eyes. your heart starts beating fast. "b-because... I have feelings for you" Gilbert widened his eyes. "y-you what?" "just forget about it." you say and you run away. you don't wanna screw this up even more. "Y/n!" you can hear him come after you but you keep running. you dont want to embarrass yourself even more. you look behind you. no sign of Gilbert. you stop running and fall to the ground sobbing.

I just ruined everything!

you still hear Gilbert calling you in the distance but you're exhausted. you had almost no sleep at night and you're so stressed and tired of hiding your feelings. you feel a hand on your shoulder. "Y/n." Gilbert wraps his arms around you and he kisses your forehead. you try to get out of his grip. "Y/n please don't" he says trying to keep you close. "Don't play with my feelings like that!" you let out a sob. "don't hold me and kiss me like that when all I am to you is a friend." you get out of his grip and start running again. when you finally reach your house you run up the stairs and into your room slamming the door shut behind you. you fall onto your bed and burst out crying. you just lay there crying for hours. at some point you fell asleep without even eating dinner.

_____________________________

The next morning you wake up feeling like you hadn't slept at all. you're eyes are still puffy and you have no intentions of getting out of your bed. you hear footsteps on the stairs. your door slowly swings open revealing your concerned father. "Sweetheart you need to get up it's time for school." he says walking closer to your bed. "what happened?" he asks. "I know you would always talk to your mother about things-" "dad please.""is this about mom?" he looks at you with a sad frown. "no. but I miss her" you look at your dad. why did he have to bring up mom? your mother had passed almost a year ago now and you could always talk to her about everything. "I do too honey" your dad lays a hand on your shoulder. "why don't you talk to Gilbert about what's bothering you?" he asks"I can't" you say tears forming in your eyes again. "why not sweetheart?" He asks confused. "because this is about Gilbert" you say quietly it's almost a whisper. you stand up from your bed. "what happened?" your dad is now even more confused knowing that Gilbert would never hurt you. "I don't wanna talk about it. I'll get dressed and then I'll make breakfast" you say walking over to your closet. "okay sweetheart. are you going to school?" he asks before walking out. "yes I need to talk to Diana" you say picking out your favorite red dress from your closet. "Diana? Diana Barry?" "yea we're friends now" you said and your father frowned closing the door on his way downstairs to the kitchen.

you put on your dress and tied a matching ribbon in your hair. you looked in the mirror. your dress matched your red puffy eyes. you went downstairs and made yourself breakfast. your father didn't say anything. you didn't blame him he was never much of a talker.

"I'm off for school!" you said walking out off the kitchen. "bye sweetheart" you heard him say. you put on your coat and quickly walked through the forest. "Y/n wait up" you froze in your tracks. Gilbert. was he serious right now. he put his hand on your shoulder and you flinched. you looked at him and he immediately looked concerned. probably because of how tired and sad you looked. you ran away from him to find Diana. "Diana!" you walk up to the school house and see Diana standing there with her friends. you feel a little uncomfortable because all the girls look at you. "hey Y/n... Oh my what happened" she says as she studies your face. "can I talk to you. you know in private" you ask giving her a soft smile while slowly walking a bit further away from everyone. "of course" she says. she excuses herself from her friends and walks over to you. "what happened?" she asks with a concerned expression. "I told him" you say looking at the floor. "I told him and he played with my feelings" you say fighting against your tears again. "what did he do?" Diana hugs you tight and you cry into her shoulder. "he hugged me and then kissed my forehead, but I know he only sees me as a friend" you say pulling away from the hug. "did he say that?" she asks and before you could answer you hear someone talk behind you.

"no I didn't" you quickly turn around to face Gilbert. he looks over at Diana who takes the hint and walks away. "Y/n I'm so sorry I hurt you" Gilbert takes both your hands. you're confused at what he's saying and you frown. "what?" you say looking at your hands."I never meant to hurt you Y/n. I love you, as more than a friend" he says and he pulls you into a hug. he squeezes you tight and you hug him back. you're crying again and you don't know why. you hold on to his shoulders for what seems like eternity. "I love you too Gilbert. so much" you whisper in his ear. he pulls away and smiles at you. you smile back with sparkling eyes. you haven't had that sparkle for a long time and it made Gilbert chuckle. you feel relieved knowing that you didn't ruin anything. and that Gilbert Likes you back!! Gilbert takes your hands and presses a kiss on them. "so are we dating now?" you ask. Gilbert chuckles and he pulls you close. "yes we are"

this ending is bad I know. it's like 4 am rn and I can't sleep

#gilbert blythe #gilbert blythe imagine #gilbert blythe imagines #gilbert blythe oneshot #gilbert blythe oneshots #gilbert blythe x reader #Lucas Jade Zumann #lucas zumann #lucas zumann imagines #lucas jade zumann imagines #lucas zumann imagine #awae #awae cast #awae fandom #save awae #save anne with an e

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josephinelouiseobrien · 4 years

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High School Reunion (2)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Synopsis: Jada Hale was Penelope Garcia’s best friend. They’d been through everything together - high school, relationships, breakups, a stalker, college, getting arrested and then joining the FBI. So when there high school reunion rolls around Penelope refuses to let Jada skip it - even if that means forcing a certain doctor to be her date.

A/N: a few peoples wanted me to tag them but rn tumblr isn’t letting me tag anyone and I’m having a hard time even linking stuff to my Masterlist right now. I’ll try to tag the people who asked in future chapters but if you know how to fix this problem please lmk.

Masterlist

——————————————————————————

Flashback:

It was junior year and all anyone could talk about was Jacob Tate - the dreamboat who’d only recently broken up with his supermodel girlfriend. In reality she’d dumped him, but he told a different story.

Rumor was that he was looking for a new ‘muse’ as he called it. He’d always been into photography and wanted someone who could become the main focus of his art.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the social spectrum, were Penelope and Jada. Unlike their classmates they were less focused on the drama surrounding Jacob Tate and more concerned with college admissions. Their dream had always been to attend Caltech he together and they weren’t going to let anything get in the way of it.

Only, Jacob Tate started focusing his attention onto Jada. Slowly as time went on she’d started straying from who she was.

It started with her appearance: her sweatshirts became crop tops, Her jeans became skirts and booty shorts. Then she dyed her hair, it’s previous light brown color was changed to an almost black lined with streaks of vibrant pink.

Then it was school: her grades started slipping - her focus switched from school to Jacob. After awhile she just stoped showing up - her attendance was down the drain at that point.

Finally she declared that she wanted to pursue a career in modeling. They made it official - Jada was dating Jacob Tate. He claimed she was his new ‘muse’ and told her lies about how he could make her famous.

Over time Jada even dropped Penelope. It wasn’t until her best friends parents were killed by a drunk driver that Jada reached out to her old friend. Of course the blonde didn’t welcome her back with open arms but over time they grew closer. And when she eventually dropped out of caltech and went underground, Jada was the only one to know about her whereabouts.

Then after months of penelope telling her that Jacob Tate was bad news - Jada came to the conclusion herself. The manipulation was one thing. She could deal with the emotional and mental abuse. But one thing that her mother had taught her that stuck was that a man should never lay his hands on a women.

All it took was one slap across the face for Jada to pack her bags and leave.

She expected the incessant calling, the crying voicemails. She even expected the threatening ones that he’d left when he’d clearly been in a drunken stupor - she could tell thanks to the slurring of his speech.

But then he started showing up at her parents house. He’d sit outside and cry - scream. Her parents called the cops multiple times and Jada took their advice. She blocked his number and all his social media accounts.

He somehow still managed to contact her. Whether it be through a friends phone or by creating a new social media account - he was stubborn.

Then one day she snapped - she couldn’t take it anymore. She got a new phone, new number, new phone carrier. She deleted any trace of her from social media. She packed up and moved in with Penelope - who at that point had ended up on the FBI’s hacker list.

And with the help of her best friend she deleted her entire identity. Her birth certificate - gone. Social security number - gone. Hospital records - gone. Jada Hale no longer existed to the world and for some reason it helped her sleep better at night.

It also helped attain a job at the FBI. Instead of throwing her in jail for virtually deleting herself from existence they used it to their advantage. They’d send her undercover and sneak her into places where they needed someone who could be anyone. She was a shadow.

——————————————————————————

“He hasn’t bothered me since.” Jada reassured. Based off of the mortified looks on both Spencer and Morgan’s faces they were a little more then concerned.

Spencer’s expression softened, “you never went to the police?”

It broke his heart to know that someone had treated her like she was nothing. To him, she was everything. It baffles him: ‘how could he treat someone so kind and caring like she was nothing?’

Jada shrugged, “it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, I promise. I mean, other people have had it so much worse.”

“Did you know that 99% of people who survive traumatic situations downplay what had happened to them.” Spencer replied softly, his eyes boring into Jada’s soul. “Almost all of them saying something all the lines of: ‘other people have it worse’.”

“No, I didn’t know that.” Jada whispered, her gaze then hitting the floor.

Morgan sighed, “are you sure you haven’t seen him since, kid? Cause this sounds like more then just some teenager with a broken heart.”

“I’m sure.” Jada replied only to recieve a nudge from Garcia. If she was gonna come clean she mind as well do it properly. “Sometimes I think I see him - but I have to be hallucinating or something.”

Spencer shook his head, “Jada-”

“You know what? Now that I’m saying this out loud I’m realizing how crazy it sounds.” Jada replied, waving it off completely. “I’m overreacting. Spence you don’t have to go to this stupid reunion with me.”

Spencer wouldn’t let her go alone - he couldn’t. Sighing he softly grabbed her hand, his eyes boring into hers. Confidence surged through him - when it came to her safety he’d defy every social barrier that held him back. “What about if I want to go?”

“Spence-”

“No, I want to.” Spencer continued, “come on, let me be your date to your high school reunion.”

Jada crumpled at that moment, nodding as she gave in. “Fine, but not because I’m scared but because I want you to be my date.”

Spencer blushed softly, an undeniable smile stretching across his face. Maybe she was just saying it to give him a chance to back out but Spencer couldn’t stop the butterflies from appearing in his stomach.

If he ever got the chance to, he’d treat her like she was the world - because whether or not he admitted it out loud, she was his.

——————————————————————————

The rest of the day was spent focusing on paperwork - other then the small mentions of the reunion that came up once and awhile. Emily had teased Jada about the video - somehow she’d seen it as well. Only at the mention of her high school years Jada didn’t feel the familiar tightening of her chest. Maybe telling someone about what had happened to her really did help her to move on.

Gathering her belongings, Jada said her goodbyes as she headed to the elevator. Once inside she clicked the button for the first floor, allowing her head to rest against the wall behind her and her eyes to fall closed in exhaustion. Only before the elevator doors could close Spencer slipped into the small metal box.

Jada furrowed her eyebrows as her eyes cracked open slightly. Usually he’d already be gone by the time she left - but she didn’t question it. “Hey, Spence. You going down?”

The man nodded, bouncing on the balls of his heels nervously. “Yep.”

Jada was too tired to question his strange behavior, instead simply shutting up as she waited for the elevator to descend onto the first floor. Only as she left the building she found Spencer following her. “Spence, don’t you have to go to your car?”

The man fumbled slightly with his words, “I just thought I’d walk you to your car today.”

“I didn’t tell you that story so you could worry about me, you know?” Jada replied sighing heavily. This was the exact reason why she didn’t tell anyone - she didn’t want to be pitied. “I’m a lot stronger then you think.”

“I know.” Reid mumbled, licking his lips nervously. “It’d make me feel better though - to know your alright.”

Jada sighed, “alright well my cars in the shop so I’m waiting for the bus. And before you ask, you don’t have to wait with me.”

“Let me drive you home.”

“Fine.” Jada caved, following Spencer towards where his car was parked.

The ride to her apartment complex was silent, and as the car slowed to a stop she found herself asking: “do you want to come in for coffee or something?”

Spencer was quick to nod, “sure.”

Jada set down a mug filled with coffee - but mainly sugar - in front of Spencer. She knew his coffee order by heart then again it wasn’t something she could easily forget, the first time they ever met he’d spilled his coffee all over her.

“So, do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Jada questioned as she took a seat on her couch beside Reid.

Spencer shifted slightly. “About jacob. Studies show that talking about trauma can help you move past it.”

“I wasn’t traumatized.” Jada corrected, “but I will answer any questions you have.”

“Okay.” Spencer nodded seeming to contemplate what he’d ask. Jada could practically see a lightbulb going off in his head as he came up with a good question. “How long were you two together?”

Jada’s eyes diverted to where she was playing with the strings of her sweater. “Almost two years.”

“Did he ever... get physical with you? Before the last time.”

Jada shook her head, “No. I would never let a man slap me around. Ever.”

“But, what he did - you might not be able to see the damage but it’s clear he still left some behind.”

Jada sighed watching his expression carefully. All she saw was fear - he was treating her like a piece of glass. She wasn’t going to break. “Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“like I’m gonna break. Like I’m some fragile little girl.”

“Fragile?” Spencer echoed in shock, his eyes wide at her revelation. “Jade, I don’t think your fragile. You’re the strongest person I know.”

Tears welled in the brunettes eyes at Spencer’s words and she found herself easily falling into his arms. At first the man found it awkward, but slowly he became more comfortable as he began to draw circles on her back until she fell asleep.

#mgg #criminal minds #spencer reid #dr. spencer reid #derek morgan #stalker #penelope garcia #high school reunion

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ghostlypawn · 4 years

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you wanted to share some watt headcanons?

the thing is im Bad at coming up with them straight away from the top of my head 😔 however...

chess has played every sport in the book from football (/soccer) to hockey to swimming and none of them really stuck except for when she started gymnastics. she enjoyed it and she was good at it. her parents saw the potential she had from a young age and carried on her classes. her mother, also a famous althlete, pushes her and pushes her to the point where she trains most of the day and her life just becomes so Exhausting, especially now that she’s in high school and wants to focus on other aspects of life or wants to focus on school work instead of gymnastics. she began to hate the thing she loved so much but didnt want to be that disappointed to her parents (or herself because why would you throw away an opportunity like the olympics?). she began taking over-the-counter medicine, it didnt do much but it helped her become numb to the over-working days she had to face. as the olympics came closer the dread increased,, she just didnt want to go; was the knee injury an accident or was it on purpose?? the pressure of performing well at the olympics was lifted off her shoulders, however, the idea of being a failure in her family was still there. luckily for her, the over-the-counter medicine was swapped for prescription medicine which was stronger and her whole life became a blissful numb. as she underwent therapy for her knee it was suggested to start getting active again, they decided on cheerleading (a less-than version of gymnastics according to her mother). chess enjoyed it as much as she could but then the Accident happened which caused her to become twice the failure she already was as she was too broken for cheerleading rn let alone gymnastics. once college applications came around she decided that she wanted to major in sports medicine (something in her world and something that she knew but still a place where she could leave the physical side out of it) and a minor in psychology. she intended to set up a clinic for teenage athletes who need both physical and mental guidance/advice in stressful times.

#Anonymous #we are the tigers #i kinda went off on thisngl #hcs

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bpd-baddddie · 3 years

Text

on wednesday my fp didn’t say he loved me before i fell asleep and didn’t really text me all day because he was out getting stoned with his friends, so all through the night i woke up in 45 minute intervals seeing if he’d told me he loved me (which he didn’t). the next day i woke up, exhausted because all i dreamed about was him leaving and how he doesn’t love me at all, and he texted the usual good morning text he always does like nothing happened? like his seemingly innocent mistake he made hadn’t broken my sleep all night and made me believe he was abandoning me. then again today he was busy, but i snapped and told him i really need him rn because i’m not doing great mentally (i didn’t tell him he was the reason why because realistically he’s not done anything wrong i’m just insane) and he then explained he’s sorry and he’s not feeling himself or been on his phone a lot through the day. he then went out wifj some mutual friends after saying it’s best if i don’t come over because i have a kidney infection and he wanted me to rest (cop out. he just wanted to see his friends instead of me). then as soon as he was home he facetimed me and everything was magically okay again, i didn’t feel depressed at all i was bubbly and laughing and everything. everything was back to me and him. and he said he loved me before he fell asleep. this disorder is going to ruin everything we both have but i don’t know how to stop being so sad every time he’s with other people? like i know he’s being loyal and not doing anything wrong so why am i so jealous all the time?

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paradife-loft · 4 years

Text

A Smattering of More TGCF Thoughts, Having Finished Book 3

*not exhaustive, because that would be way too much; but still apparently enough rambling to need a cut for length

EVERYTHING IS METAPHYSICAL WORLDBUILDING...... I don’t even know if I have a specific place I’d want to start with this, bc it’s all just deeply fascinating trying to tease out how it all works, but. mmmm delicious crunchy worldbuilding on what heavenly officials (of each court) and ghosts even are, and how spiritual power works! what exactly ascending is, and what role “fate” plays in that, and what even is fate really? what relationship does fate have to social standing in one’s mortal life?

this is my shit. I love to know how it all works. I will poke at all the things.

BLACK. WATER. XUAN. it is probably obvious by now that I am in massive hearteyes with He Xuan?? just. the dramatic flair! the extent of being SO wronged! intense murder aesthetic! d e d i c a t i o n. power and planning and being utterly terrifying as a trap closing in when the time comes - and an absolute Weirdo antisocial half-person Mess the rest of the time! “I am going to give you all these tests as opportunities to show that you see me, the person your successes came at the very literal physical cost of, and CARE to rectify that horrible injustice. show me that you give a fuck! show me that you’re not just stuck in your pampered myopic little heavenly heads!”

I am a little disturbed by how quickly I’ve built up a whole headcanon persona and POV for He Xuan already despite. not having finished the book yet. :’D what can I say though, intense capacity for violence, plus messy depression/depersonalisation badbrains, plus unstable identity and literally subsuming other beings into yourself, plus hella fucked up relationship with food... This Is Coming For Me Where I Live rn <33

(nom nom transmisogynists make a delicious crunchy snack~)

honestly it’s kind of like, the more intense my feelings & thoughts about a character are, the harder it is for me to really ramble properly about them without more specific prompts.... oops. but just know, I have many He Xuan thoughts. hot damn.

Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen ;____; god, I just have.... a lot of feelings about the way in which Status Issues Fuck Them Up. and about how Yin Yu ends up taking all this blame not because he’s A Bad Person, but also not because he’s Framed Horribly and Is Totally Innocent? he’s just very real, and imperfect, and his personal shortcomings combine with events to create a complete and utter clusterfuck :(

CORPSE RATS CORPSE RATS :D I am enjoying literally everything that’s eaten other spirits in this book honestly. delightfully fucked up favourite “taking on traits of a thing you consume” trope :D

Mount Tong’lu especially, but also just a certain amount of the aesthetic of this book in general, is once again Reminding Me Of Dark Souls. it’s the combo “gain more power by murdering other entities and consuming their souls” / “transformational Final Level specifically called a kiln” thing, I think.

so I guess it’s canon that the Supremes are a “mentally unstable obsessives only” club??? :’D I have a lot of feelings about much-younger-ghost!Hua Cheng just kind of. spending ten years alternately nerding out over trying to learn to read a dead language, and trying to... depict his devotion and somehow express/externalise the very story of who he even is into this empty underground series of caverns? trying to pound it into his head to, like, remember who he is and make SOME part of the world witness to what’s made him, even though (and because) he can’t actually open up about any of that to any other people?

like hmm, certainly I don’t think he’s losing it during the Mount Tong’lu experience as much as, say, certain other individuals might have (*cough*), because he’s not literally taking the essences of other beings into himself, just getting a power-up - but that alone, killing so much and experiencing that kind of metaphysical change, must already be kind of disorienting and weird? especially if you’re functionally alone the whole time?? which is to say, sure, the thousand gods and all the murals might have been a little bit of a monument to Hua Cheng being batshit crazypants for a while, but given the material circumstances of 10 years of isolation/ling nerding/murder, I really cannot blame him. (I would also rather not have other people, certainly not the object of my affection & obsession, get to see those things! that is entirely relatable, not sinister!)

(obligatory “what would a centuries-old sourdough starter from Mount Tong’lu be like“ joke....)

although. that said. I continue! to be not okay! with the extent of Literal Hero Worship happening in this relationship! “if you don’t have anything else to live for, then live for me!” like ok ok it is all very well and good that you said that as a dumbass naive teenage god, and clearly don’t believe in any such thing anymore, but. Hua Cheng! has not gotten over that! he is still very much in that headspace! “oh don’t worry my ashes are in a totally safe place bc if the place where I hid them was destroyed then I would have no reason to live either ~<3″ NO. NO BAD. EXTREMELY BAD, HUA CHENG SIT DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT UNTIL I FIND YOU SOMEONE TO TALK YOU THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I just. mmmmmmmnnn. I really enjoy how they interact with one another most of the time! I’m also just... not cool with the level of power disparity in terms of psychological vulnerability to one another, that seems pretty fundamentally baked into the dynamic :/

(it’s funny bc this is the opposite of the panic Mu Qing & Feng Xin were having over Hualian, oops)

actually while I’m being a whole-ass Downer about ships, I will also mention that I do Not get shipping those two..... like “excessive bickering” has never appealed to me in the first place but also. FX seems to genuinely think MQ is a bad person?? and doesn’t understand what his perspective is like in general? perhaps I am simply A Bit Sensitive to people misunderstanding someone and thinking they’re a bad person bc they’re not Nice And Cheerful And Personable, but. eugh, no thank you.

miscellaneous thoughts....

Ling Wen can honestly do as many murders as she feels like, I’m not too broken up about this ultimately :////

Xie Lian’s trauma response panic mode whenever he sees White No-Face! it’s upsetting!

White No-Face is not valid specifically for the reason that I wanted the next ghost king to come out of the kiln to add something cool to the Calamities’ color scheme >:( Give Me A Purple Ghost You Dumb Motherfucker >:(

(actually in part I make fun of him because I am otherwise also terrified of him! he is creepy and horrifying! he seems like substantially less of a Person and more like a Horrible Force of Nature than the other calamities!! also HE WAS LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE *screams*)

(you may notice there is approximately no book 2 content on here and that is.... largely bc I found book 2 very upsetting and unpleasant to read, as “overwhelming futility in the face of world affairs and mass suffering” is in fact my Least favourite emotion to have evoked in fiction. or in real life for that matter. “biological phenomenon wherein foreign entities grow in or on your body” is ALSO a least favourite thing in both fiction & real life too, funnily enough! not actually to the same extent as Futility Forever, but. no thank you.)

there’s definitely more I wanted to talk about at one point or another and then forgot, so, if there’s something you want to hear about in particular, ask me questions!

#James liveblogs books #hua cheng's ghostly down with cis bus

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worklabournewsresearch · 3 years

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COVID Has Taken a Devastating Toll on Canada’s Nurses. But the Pandemic Offers a Chance to Heal a Broken System

"Ms. [Naila] Shaikh is 31. She’s worked in the ICU through the waves of the pandemic – waves that, she notes, nurses saw coming. ... Last week, she received a notice from the Ontario College of Nurses telling her that under the Emergency Protection and Civil Management Act, the province’s nurses may now 'provide patient care services outside their regular scope of practice.' ... The supervising nurses on her floor are doing all they can with the resources they have. ... Whenever the end does come and the final wave crashes on shore, it will carry with it a reckoning for the people who bore the heaviest burden of care in this pandemic, Canada’s 440,000 nurses."

"In conversations with nurses and nurse-educators across the country, the same words and themes arise: burnout, exhaustion, anger, frustration. Nurses, particularly those in critical care, feel stretched to the very limit, and yet unappreciated by the governments who employ them and undervalued by decision-makers who don’t listen to their expertise. ... They worry that the crisis has deepened the cracks that already existed in their profession: the lack of mental-health supports, flexibility around scheduling, inability to accommodate work-life balance, chronic shortages of resources. At the same time, there are staffing shortfalls around the country, with Statistics Canada reporting in February that thousands of nursing positions were unfilled."

"The reasons for the shortage are complex, and not unique to Canada (the International Council of Nurses predicts a global shortfall of six million nurses within the next 10 years.) The issue is more one of retention than recruitment. In Canada, nurses may leave hospital jobs to work in public health, the private sector or teaching, or take early retirement. They’re driven to leave by a variety of factors including exhaustion, inability to balance family life with punishing shift work and lack of career advancement. ... A recent survey by the [Registered Nurses Association of Ontario] highlighted dangers to the profession coming down the pipeline. For one thing, more than 60 per cent of respondents reported high or very high levels of job-related stress during the pandemic. Even more alarming were the numbers that indicated how much turnover the pandemic has caused. In a normal year, 3 per cent to 4 per cent of young nurses might say they’re leaving the profession. During COVID, that number has tripled. ... The RNAO and other nursing organizations are working on projects to improve retention, including building mental-health programs for their members. They’re also working with governments to increase the number of spots open to those applying at nursing schools."

"Yet this moment also offers a chance to heal broken systems and address historic missteps. Across the country, applications to nursing schools have risen dramatically. Young nurses are entering the profession who refuse to tolerate hierarchies, racism and bullying. Perhaps most important, professionals who have long been silenced are finding a public voice to advocate on behalf of themselves and their patients, and for a better health care system. ... 'When you’re working as a nurse, you’re not really encouraged to speak up. That whole silencing starts with nursing school,' says Amie Varley, who is co-host, with Sara Fung, of The Gritty Nurse podcast. As racialized women working in health care who had experienced racism, bullying and disempowerment, they felt (as Oprah might say) not only silent, but silenced. ... The other encouraging change they’re seeing, Ms. Fung says, is the increased interest in nursing as a profession, especially from mature students, people from diverse backgrounds, and men. ... [A]pplications to nursing programs are on the rise, for positions that were already highly competitive. At the University of British Columbia, the nursing faculty would typically see around 500 applicants for 120 spots. For the September, 2021, intake, there were more than 800 applicants, says Elsie Tan, associate director of undergrad programs at the UBC School of Nursing. On their application essays, many of those hopefuls cited the pandemic as their reason for wanting to join the profession."

The Globe and Mail, May 1, 2021: “COVID has taken a devastating toll on Canada’s nurses. But the pandemic offers a chance to heal a broken system,” by Elizabeth Renzetti

College of Nurses of Ontario, April 23, 2021: "IMPORTANT UPDATE: New provincial orders – change to scope of practice in hospitals," by Anne Coghlan RN, MScN, Executive Director and CEO

Registered Nurses Association of Ontario, March 2021: Work and Wellbeing Survey Results, (33 pages, PDF)

Registered Nurses Association of Ontario, February 2021: NP Task Force Vision for Tomorrow, (47 pages, PDF)

Canadian Institute for Health Information: Data Tables: Canada’s Health Care Providers, 2015 to 2019

International Council of Nurses, December 10, 2020: "Nursing workforce crisis looms as expected six-million shortfall will be increased by more than four million nurses retiring by 2030,"

World Health Organization, April 6, 2020: State of the World’s Nursing Report - 2020, (144 pages, PDF)

The Gritty Nurse Podcast

Photo Source: Barczyk, H. (2021). [Illustration]. The Globe and Mail. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/article-covid-has-taken-a-devastating-toll-on-canadas-nurses-but-the-pandemic/#c-image-0

#nurses #pandemic #covid2019 #ICU #nursing school #Ontario College of Nurses #Emergency Protection and Civil Management Act #survey results #work life balance #staffing shortages #International Council of Nurses #recruitment #retention #public health #Canadian Nurses’ Association #The Quebec Nurses’ Association #working conditions #Registered Nurses Association of Ontario #racialized women

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