Honestly when I publish books I am going to put my therapist in the dedications. I cannot begin to give justice to just how good she is. As a person, in her soul, not just at her job. Every time I talk to her I feel such gratitude and admiration to her wisdom and kindness and the grace with which she is both helpful and gentle. I aspire to be more like her. I want to make someone feel like that, to be helpful and kind and so good to other people. To one day be able to heal and put aside my anger just a little bit and be enlightened and kind in the face of anything. I am not a good victim, or a good madman, or even a very nice person when it comes down to it. And I know that. But I want to reach a point where it is easier to be kind. Where I can apply the genuine good of her character into my own actions, even if I myself will never be that good.
More than anything I want her to know how much I admire her and just how much she helped me, how important my time with her truly is. I want to prove to her how far I've come and how good I'm doing five, ten, twenty years from now; and I want her to know that it was largely because of her support that I was able to pull myself out and make something wonderful with my life. I feel I owe it, somewhat. I owe it to her to show her that the good in her heart makes real impact, that her and her work will not be forgotten. That long after the 21st century when all we knew and loved is dead her memory will echo and the good she has done will have allowed so many people to do more of it.
Therapy is hard work when you're actually doing it right. Often thankless. But I will make it and I will say "thank you thank you thank you." Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for investing in my life when you had no obligation to and no one else would. Thank you for being kind to me. Thank you for giving me hope against my will when I fight it like a feral bird in a cage. Thank you.
i developed this little idea/way to live called “small joys” where you basically just pick one upcoming thing, a very small thing within the day or the hour, to look forward too. anxiety’s been a bitch lately and i think it’s contributing to my existential dread and how i feel absolutely purposeless and directionless because rn my life is an endless cycle. so i tried to start living by picking a “small joy” to look forward too when im feeling shitty about life. like a hot shower, or talking to a person i like, or hugging someone, or eating my pumpkin spice cheerios, or talking to my guinea pigs. really anything small. because if you are like me and tend to zoom out of the world and then start feeling like there’s no point in living anymore, then you need to start zooming IN. don’t look at the next 5 years, look at the next 5 hours. idk, it works for me. but the funny part is that my therapist asks me one day after i describe my zooming out issue and then my “small joys” strategy if i have ever tried practicing gratitude… turns out it’s almost exactly what i’ve been doing on my own to cope with life 😭 not exactly but very close
“Nothing is more powerful than plowing yourself to be truly affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop… All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”
re-reading reviews people have left on my works is like ... :’) makes me so happy :’) I’m so grateful for all the people that stop by to say something nice. Makes my whole day!
I SORTA ALMOST TOLD MY THERAPIST SOMETHING I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE IRL AND HAVE VERY HESITANTLY TOLD TO ONE PERSON IN GENERAL
PROGRESS. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN TALK ABOUT IT.
I stumbled through it and was super vague about it and omitted a lot and made several awkward attempts to discuss the scenery in my immediate space as a way to stall and totally wasted time doing all that but I managed to get further today to saying something I'm downright terrified to say out loud than ever before. I feel like I can do it next time. Really actually go through with it. I should take a xan before my next session to relax so I don't mentally backpedal or panic or anything and actually break the dam. just the one session so it'll be easier to talk about later as the topic's been breached. maybe even bring up a few other things i haven't nearly as badly wanted to talk to someone about but would probably benefit from some therapizing over. Just really get it all out there, maybe cry a bit. I can do it. I have survived far worse than this.
But like. I made the setup, you know. I can reference it next session and ease into the topic knowing I've already told on myself enough to at least reveal the general nature of the issue. It feels like it's already mostly done and my stomach is in knots but that'll mean next time isn't as scary as it could've otherwise been. I'm proud of myself and I think it's really important to take it slow to tell someone something you need to say but are scared to. But take it. Slow and intentionally vague is better than not at all. You are doing so good. If you have opened up to someone through much fear I am so proud of you and you are so brave. And I'm proud of myself, and I'm brave. And sick or not I am loved and extremely lucky to have a good therapist in my corner.
Taking a moment to pause and reflect on all the people in my life who deeply care about me, and appreciating them. It's so easy to take people and things granted in life, it's always good to keep reminding yourself who they are as a person and why you like them in the first place. Reflect on the ways they have been there for you without expecting anything in return.
It's so easy to get lost in our minds and think no one is there for us or there is only one person who can get us but that is furthest from the truth. Look around you, look at your friends, your family, your pet, they all love you unconditionally and want to be there for you.
Cherish the people closest to you and make sure you let them know they are valuable.
Turns out practicing gratitude is good for you--really good for you
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Giving thanks, in all circumstances, is what God wants us to do. And as is always the case, God wants us to do what He wants us to do because it results in what’s best for us, and for the people around us.
Of course there are other Bible verses admonishing or…
sending out a little thank you into the universe for the good fortune of having met a friend who introduced me to stoic philosophy when i asked for Advice ✨️😌✨️
i was so so so mad at marcus aurelius for the things he insisted were possible but then i realized i was mad, not at his assertions, but that it seemed impossible for me to attain them.
combining my past work with mindfulness with his wisdom of locating and removing the judgement in order to reduce perceived harm .... so many things in my life are so much more manageable now.
and now I'm reading other stoic texts and continuing my self-growth journey.
(i hope she knows just how much of a difference she's made. i hope her life is flourishing in my absence. ✨️🌱✨️)