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moon7jay · 1 month

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ㄴ CHERRY🍒 ㄱ : Lee Heeseung

pairing : pervert!heeseung x virgin!reader

cheeries to pop this semester : Y/N (Heeseung's pick)

Warnings : toxic heeseung, manipulation, coercion, morally gray characters, dub con, infidelity, angst, filthy smut, masturbation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, body image issues, body shaming, family issues (it gets heavy), unprotected sex, cum eating, violence, dacryphilia.

Wc : 23k+

a/n : IT'S FINALLY HERE OMG, this is my first full length fic on here and I really put my all into it, please reblog and leave feedbacks, it's really really important for me, I cherish all of your words so much<3

!!!!!!! READ PREVIEW FIRST !!!!!!!!

You're quite literally the most stuck up thing Heeseung has ever laid his eyes on. It’s the way you stick out like a sore thumb; Your ponytail is meticulously braided, the grandma skirt that you chose to wear cascades down, stopping just beneath your knees in a habitual fashion and your pressed pink silk blouse is impeccably buttoned up to the collar, not one inch of extra skin in sight.

The book clutched tightly against your chest ties your entire look of “austere sophistication” together.

"Microprocessors", the title reads. Pfft. Typical of you. Only you can clutch onto such a demonic book like it is some quality literature. Heeseung nearly fights the urge to scoff.

You're peak virgin demonstration if Heeseung’s ever seen one. Your embodiment of purity is unparalleled, and it feels like a personal attack on his masculinity that he hasn't been able to get you under him yet. Keyword : yet.

As he backs you up against the wall, your eyes downcast and your free hand nervously fiddling with the button of your blouse, he thinks you look pathetic. You exude an air of pitiful vulnerability, and it ignites a primal desire within him to consume you entirely.

You're nervous and it’s palpable. He can see it in the way you don't even meet his eyes, refusing to face him at all. The blush adorning the apple of your cheeks is adorable; fuck, you're cute. And Heeseung doesn't like cute things. But something about you makes you the exception to his usual preferences. Your innocence only provokes him more, acting as a catalyst, intensifying his desire to unleash all his darkest fantasies on your inexperienced body. He wants to explore you, peel off your layers and dive in deep like no one has ever done before. This need, this innate urge to taint you; it drives him absolutely feral.

"Did you watch the video I sent you last night?" he asks, unable to stop himself from leaning into your space, taking a deep whiff of your vanilla perfume. You even smell like a virgin. Fresh and untainted. And, oh so tempting.

Your head shakes meekly, but the discreet way you bite your lower lip tells him that you did watch it. Fuck yeah. He was high and horny when he recorded that nut video. Pressing send wasn’t on his agenda but his head was filled with the sinful thoughts of you and your pretty pink lips, and what better way to testify his desire to you than making you see how he looks in throes of pleasure, chanting your name like a literal dog in heat.

You yelp when his hand grabs your waist to pull you closer to himself. God, you feel good against him.

He nuzzles his nose into your warm cheek while your tiny fist makes contact with his chest "let-let go" you squeak out and it only makes him chuckle in amusement. You're so fucking cute.

"you liked it baby? Bet you liked how I stroked my dick nice and slow, just for you" He watches in glee as the red in your cheeks spreads all the way down to your neck. He loves how responsive you are, loves how even the littlest of words make you falter in front of him, like a frail flower caught in a sudden gust of wind. Then you look up, and Heeseung feels his breath leaving his chest, as if the air has been vacuumed from his lungs .Your big, captivating eyes meet his dark ones and he can't help but let his perverse curiosity take over his sick mind. He wonders how your pretty orbs look when you cry.

Scratch that. He wants to see you cry.

What makes this thought more unsettling is that fact that Heeseung isn't apposed to seeing you cry in pain. As long he gets to see your eyes brimming with tears , he cannot give less of a fuck about their source. He'll fuck you missionary, Heeseung decides, staring deep into your eyes while he slides deep inside your tight little pussy. His cock chubs up at the thought alone.

"you c-can''t send me stuff like that, it's inappropriate" you mumble shyly. He snickers and squeezes the fat of your waist, making another pathetic squeak to leave your mouth.

"What can I do darling, there's not one appropriate thought in my head when it comes to you. wanna do so many inappropriate things to you, you’ll let me won’t you?" He whisper asks, and watches how your eyes struggle to maintain eye contact before you succumb to your shyness, choosing to look down instead.

"Heeseung, man, it’s time to go " Jake's panicked voice interrupts the filthy words he was about to mutter in your ears again. He turns his head slightly towards the entrance of the hall and sees Jake's brown mop of hair, rustling right outside. Heeseung sighs and turns back to face you.

"Looks like we'll have to cut our fun short, you'll wait for my call tonight won't you baby? wanna hear your voice when I cum" He tells you, reveling in the way you only curl into yourself at his words, chewing your bottom lip raw. Fuck he wants to kiss the fuck out of you. But he can't. Not yet. Heeseung is aware of the boundaries he’s been crossing by touching you and sending you intimate stuff without your consent, and he doesn't want to push it, not so fast.He lets go of your body reluctantly and winks at you before making his way out of the hall. Jake's frantic eyes meet his once he's outside, and he rolls his eyes, already sensing an incoming lecture about morals and respect.

"I'm never gonna be your guard dog again, it's risky fucking business" Jake spits,brows furrowed in distress. Heeseung merely shakes his head at him "you won't get it" he mumbles as he walks ahead, leaving Jake to run to catch up to him

"Yeah, I don't see the fun in being suspended, but hey, maybe that's just me" Jake replies sarcastically ,making Heeseung give him “the” look. "Dramatic much?" He asks, rounding the corner to the cafeteria and making his way inside.

"I'm being dramatic? You're the one risking your reputation for some pussy, we can both be in jail for sexual harassment". Heeseung tunes out his friend's baseless rant and plops onto his designated seat. Jake slumps down right next to him.

"Man I'm just saying, that if she ever decides to go to the dean about this, your messages will be proof enough to land you in big trouble" Jake explains. “and me too because you drag me into every unethical thing like the good friend that you are” he adds, sarcasm dripping from his tone, and Heeseung wonders when Jake fell victim to the sassy men apocalypse.

But you won't, you love the chase as much as he does, he can see it in your eyes, Heeseung wants to say, but he doesn’t, choosing to stare at you instead. His eyes trace the movement of your figure when you enter the cafeteria sometime later. You're still hugging the book to your chest, making your way to the seat that's the farthest away from everyone else, as always. Your skirt makes his hands itch, he wants to know what lies underneath so fucking badly. He wonders if you know the effect that your modesty has on him, wonders if you know that your body being covered from head to toe gives more space for fantasy and yearning than any naked girl ever could.

"Stare any longer and your eyeballs might fall out of their sockets" Sunghoon’s berating voice brings his attention back to the table. He was so lost in you that he didn't notice sunghoon flopping down in the seat right across from him, shrugging his jacket off and throwing it unceremoniously on the table.

"She's gonna be the death of me" Heeseung bemoans, running an exasperated hand over his face. Sunghoon laughs and kicks his leg under the table.

"She already saw her name in that list that day, she knows what you want, and I don't think she'll let you anywhere near her anytime soon". Jake snorts, masking it with a cough when Heeseung shoots a glare in his direction.

He looks over at you again, finding the way you fiddle with your pen oddly erotic. He thinks he might be losing his goddamn mind, because the way he jerked off right after you angrily threw the “cherries to pop this semester” list on his face and stormed off , was shameful to say the least. That was the first time he had seen pure heat and raw emotion in your eyes, and damn you looked sexy as hell when you were angry.

"She won't be a virgin by the end of this semester, write it down" Heeseung challenges, meeting Sunghoon's eyes. His friend only shrugs in response and turns around to look at you over his shoulder.

"Sure, but by the looks of it, you won't be the one doing the honors" Jake snorts again , but Heeseung doesn't spare him a glance this time, his entire attention pivoted to the raven haired boy making his way over to your table. Heeseung doesn't like the way your eyes light up and you instantly sit up straighter in your seat, fixing your hair as if looking to impress. He scoffs. Loudly. Fucking park jongseong.

"Does she really find that dweeb attractive?" He can't help but ask, jaw clenching when he sees you blushing, genuinely blushing and smiling at someone who's not him.

"I dunno man, girls love that whole nerdy gentleman thing jay's got going on, some bullshit about being a green flag and all" Sunghoon supplies.

"They're friends too, lover boy's got game" Jake adds, smiling cheekily when Heeseung shoots him a dark look, yet again.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

You're in a trance like state when you walk back home. With the whole hall incident with Heeseung, and jay approaching you at lunch, today doesn’t seem real, as if belonging to a different reality altogether.

What you feel for Heeseung isn't something that you can describe in words. He.. He harasses you. He touches you and grabs you and gropes you, but within limits. His actions lie in a murky territory, perplexing the norms of acceptability, and yet, you only yearn more. does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't to normal people, but in your touch starved brain, it perfectly makes sense. Some days you hate him and some days you crave him, always oscillating between the extremes of loathing and longing. You suppose that's because he's been the only source of thrill amidst the barren landscape of your existence for a very long time. He excites you, he flusters you, but ignites flames beneath your breastbone with mere words. His gaze unnerves you and yet, you can't bring yourself to push him away. Some would call you crazy, and you won't have any convincing arguments to defend yourself.

You have been a little desperate all your life, desperate for someone to want you, desperate for someone to see you, a ceaseless yearning for recognition, for acknowledgement of your existence and you're not ashamed to admit it. After all, how far can you lie about the very thing etched into your bones and skin? And to what end?

More, more, more, the intense craving, an insatiable hunger for it defined your very being. You were an unattractive child and grew up into an even more unappealing adult , at least that's what your mother used to tell you before she eventually passed away. Her echoes of criticism resonated through your subconscious, shaping you as a mirror of her own insecurities.

That would explain why you can't meet your own eyes in the mirror, and crave attention like a drug, seeking solace in the fleeting attention Heeseung bestows upon you. He's akin to a drug that leaves you high and delusional for a while, intoxicating you with fleeting moments of desirability.

You aren't stupid though, you harbor no illusions regarding his intentions . You know what he wants from you, you are aware that you as a person don't mean a thing to him, he just wants to take your virginity and flaunt it around like a badge of peak male prowess or something, you're just another challenge to him, reduced to a mere conquest for his vanity. But you haven't felt like a person in so long, you don't think you are in any position to make demands.

When you've been parched long enough, when the thirst reaches fever pitch, threatening to push you over the verge of insanity; the yearning for satisfaction eclipses the rationality of self preservation. The moment of brief satiation held such a twisted appeal, that you were willing to embrace pain and self destruction if it came along with a fleeting sense of fulfillment. The need for validation clouds your judgement, and you become nothing but a mindless puppet of your desires.

That might also explain why your crush on park jongseong is still alive after being brutally rejected in the first semester. Jay and you had developed a friendship really quickly at the very beginning of college, but both of you had never really talked outside of the university hackathons and coding competitions. His knowledge was what drew you to him, and the way he was able to come up with solutions to the most complex problems while you were fighting for your life, it just left you with no choice but to watch him with heart eyes. He was always polite to you too, and what were you if not a sucker for gentle and soft spoken men.

He stopped talking to you after you confessed though, not completely because you still had to work on projects together, but conversations became more one sided and short, and so eventually, you just grew apart.

But ever since you got grouped together for the Cp techathon, he has started acting different; there’s so many lingering touches and subtle flirty glances that sometimes you’re sure you’re imagining everything in your head. Maybe you should get checked out for maladaptive daydreaming. Just a suggestion.

You're pulled out of your thoughts when you reach the curb of your house and don't see your dad's car parked inside. You breathe out a sigh of relief at the sight and proceed to make your way to your neighbor’s house. Suzy, your 60 year old neighbor, might be the only good thing going on for you. As you ring her door bell, you can't help but feel excited at the prospect of seeing your brother after an entirety of 2 whole weeks. Pitter patter of slippers approaches the door , and Suzy's wrinkled face greets you with a warm smile, as if she was already expecting you.

"Hi" you smile, and she motions behind her, at the loud chatter of your brother.

"Jihoon has not stopped asking for you for a second" She says , and you can't help but laugh as you make your way inside.

The four year old stops talking to his toys as soon as he sees you, his blue orbs staring at you for a whole minute in amazement, and then , as if snapping out of a trance, he sprints towards you at the speed of lightening. "Y/n! " he squeals.

You giggle when he tackles you with a hug, sighing in contentment at finally feeling him so close. You're hit with a sudden urge to cry, feeling his tiny arms wrap around your neck, being away from him never gets easy no matter how many times you have done it. You coo as he tells you how much he missed you, burying his tiny frame further into your chest. You press several kisses to his face and tell him you missed him just as much.

"Will you be taking him home today?" Suzy asks, coming over to sit down on the couch in front of you. You caress the back of jihoon's head, rocking him back and forth in your embrace, and meet her eyes, nodding a little. "Dad won't be home for a few weeks, hopefully, his car isn't there" you tell her. She nods in understanding and pats your arm, letting you know with her eyes, that she'll be here if you need her.

You're grateful for her, she's the only person you can entrust your little brother with when things start to get bad at home. On the days your dad decides to get shit faced and break everything in the house, succumbing to bouts of inebriation, you're grateful that you can keep jihoon away from the violence. You honestly don't know what you would do without Suzy, the only steadfast refuge from the chaos that is your life. In some way, you are aware that having jihoon over alleviates her loneliness too, fulfilling her own needs of companionship that she deeply craves in her old age.

Occasionally, you're hit with a wave of inevitable jealousy at jihoon’s sheltered innocence, wishing that someone had kept you away too; from the violence and the pain. But you guess you were meant to be the protector instead of the protected, healing your inner child every time you see jihoon smiling brighter than the sun. If you had to live through all the suffering again , just to preserve and shelter his infectious smile, you would do it in a heartbeat.

Suzy hands you a box of home made food when you make your way outside. "I promise to be back for you in a few hours sweetie, you will behave right?" you coo at jihoon's snotty, red nose as he clings onto your leg, begging you to take him with you. You sigh and watch in helplessness as Suzy picks him up in her arms, shushing him down so you can leave. It never gets easier.

Returning home, you dodge the broken pieces of glass and frames, quickly get out of your college attire, throwing on a pair of worn out jeans and a discolored top. There's still an hour for you to be at your part time job , and so you start cleaning the house instead. You don't know why you bother, to be honest, but there's an innate need that craves normalcy. When the house is clean, that means everything is going to be okay. Cleaning serves as a ritual of order amidst chaos, offering a sense of control amidst uncertainty.

Your shift at the cafe ends in a daze, countless customers come in and go out, some rude, some decent but you have learnt to take everything in a stride now. First month you had started working this job, you were a crying mess after the end of almost every shift, your sensitive little heart unable to comprehend why people were so rude. However, just like everything else in your life, you adapted to the demands of the job pretty quickly. As you stare at the now almost deserted cafe, save for a handful of students engrossed in their laptops, you pray that no one else comes in. Fatigue weighs heavily upon you, you’re exhausted out of your mind and just want to get out of here as soon as you can. Yet, as the familiar chime of the entrance bell resounds, signaling the arrival of yet another customer, you resign yourself to another interaction.

Your head snaps towards the door and your jaw quite literally falls to the floor. For as long as you have worked here, you've never run into any of your classmates. However, today out of all days, when you look like the wall mart version of the walking dead, park fucking jongseong is here. Because of course he is, your life has to be a social experiment.

You pull yourself together when you realize that he's smiling at you, and you aren't smiling back. "Hi" you squeak out, fairly sure that you sounded pathetic. He grins at your flustered state, and leans closer to you on the counter.

"Hi" He whispers back, your heart beating faster at the look he's giving you. You stare at his perfectly parted raven hairs and mentally pass out when he fiddles with his lip ring.

"Um-so- what can i get you?" You stutter out, finally coming to your senses and realizing that you have a job. His eyes travel down to your chest , and he leans further into your personal space, his expensive cologne filling up your senses.

"I'll take you" He replies smoothly.

"I-, what-you huh" you splutter, not quite trusting your own ears. There's no way Jay is flirting with you right now. The crush that you've harbored for the boy blooms in full glory as he continues to smile at you, a suggestive glint in his eyes. His smile is so damn pretty.

"I'm kidding pretty girl, I just saw you from across the street and thought I'd say hi, and ask if you need a ride back home" He explains. Your lips tug into a shy smile at the nickname, and you peek outside to see his gray Volkswagen parked across the street. Oh wow, Jay thinks you're pretty AND he wants to give you a ride back home. Why does that sound so familiar? You’re pretty sure you saw this same scenario playing out in one of your lovesick dreams last week.

"Oh-um- i don't wanna cause you any trouble" you mumble , hoping that he doesn't see the way your back is ramrod straight all of a sudden. You never really prepared yourself for the possibility of him , or anyone for that matter, wanting to drop you at your house. You're not ashamed of your neighborhood or the life that you live, but you despise the looks of judgement and pity more. You have managed to maintain this facade of a properly put together person for so long in college, and it has saved you so much mental torture that you know would ensue once everyone gets to know about your humble abode, and how your scholarship is the only reason you’re able to afford your college.

"come on sweetheart, would I really walk all the way across the street if I really didn't wanna see you?" He asks, fiddling with his lip ring again. If you didn't know any better, you would say he looks sort of nervous. But why would anyone be nervous of you. Of all people.

You nod meekly and mumble a quick "my shift gets over in 5 minutes", trying to wrap your head around the fact that Jay wanted to see you. HE wanted to see YOU. Jay winks at you and makes his way outside. You follow him with your eyes as he crosses the street and goes back inside his car, waiting for you.

HE'S WAITING FOR YOU. What on god’s green earth.

Seeing that there's only one customer left, you hurriedly make your way to the ladies toilet and wash your face, trying to get rid of the tiredness and grime off of it. What if he kisses you? Your own delusion makes you laugh. You do have some nerve at coming up with such insane scenarios in your head. He's just being nice, and here you are, hearing wedding bells.

You reapply your lip balm and take off the apron you were adorning over your tee. You look okay. Well. There's not much you can do in the current situation anyway. You do hope that he overlooks how unkempt you look compared to your college appearance. Should you untie your hairs? But, wouldn't that be too much? He just saw you with a ponytail... fuck it, it's like a once in a lifetime opportunity anyway. You untie your hairs and let them fall in cascades over your shoulders. This is better.

You clean up behind you and inform the remaining customer that it's closing time. Handing the keys to Ralph, the security guard, you quickly run across the street, not wanting to make him wait any longer. Jay opens the car door for you from the inside even before you can reach it.

"Hop in" He says, a grin in his voice and he doesn't have to ask you twice.

This might be the most expensive car you've ever had the opportunity to sit in. The leather is soft against your skin, and it smells of fresh citrus. Even his car smells good.

"So, Where to darling?" He asks, running his eyes all over you. You feel a little self conscious under his gaze but manage to utter your address nonetheless.

The entire ride is mostly silent with little conversation that he makes, asking you for directions. It isn't awkward, and you're so grateful for that.

"Is this it?" He asks, stopping his car in front of the building whose name you blurted instead of your real address.

You nod and thank him, ready to get out of the car when he grabs your wrist, pulling you into him. The middle console digs into your stomach but you honestly couldn't care less with the way his hot breath falls on your face.

Your cheeks are warm and you are sure that you represent a tomato with the way the heat only increases when he tucks your hairs behind your ear with his other hand.

And oh god, he's leaning in, his eyes fixed onto your lips as he inches closer and closer and-

As if on autopilot, You push him away. Your cheeks burn in embarrassment at how taken aback he looks by your sudden reaction.

"I-im sorry i- i don't-

"I thought you liked me" He says in a hostile tone, and you can hear the annoyance in his voice, can see the indignation in his eyes.

You can't believe you just pissed off your longtime crush because of your inability to be normal. How could you have fucked up so badly?

"I-i do, I do like you" You mumble quickly, trying to hold your tears at bay when he scoffs at your words. The shame weighs heavy on your chest as he stares at you a bit longer before looking forward towards the road.

"Goodnight y/n" He replies sharply, in the most coldest voice you have ever seen him use towards you.

Your lips quiver as you wrack your brain for something to say but you don't think you can say anything to fix this now. You've made a fool of yourself and embarrassed Jay all because you can't be fucking normal about anything.

He presses the horn aggressively, and you jump, mumbling apologies and scurrying out of his car hurriedly. Your ears burn in humiliation when he drives off without sparing a single glance towards you.

Well done y/n. Your habit of being self sabotaging never really will go away. You cry all the way back to your house, not understanding the abrupt downturn of promising events. It was going so well. He was going to kiss you. You were so close to having your first kiss.

You wipe your tears dry when you get close to your house. Jihoon is fast asleep in Suzy's arms when she hands him over to you. You thank her for her kindness and make your way to your house, cradling jihoon's sleeping form. When he cuddles into your neck, his innocent embrace evokes a flood of pent up tears; all that you've been pushing back today, comes flooding out. You can't help but wonder if you'll ever be able to sleep this carefree in someone's arms. If there's love meant for you,then you have never felt it once in your life, and you wonder if it's too late now.

You're crying when you tuck him tenderly into bed, crying when you leave a wet kiss on his forehead, caressing his soft cheeks. You're crying when you try to eat the food Suzy gave you in the afternoon, and you're crying when you rub off all the evidence of today from your body inside the shower. At one point, you aren’t even sure what you’re crying about.

Thankfully, when you come out of the shower, the tears have ceased. You embrace the numbness which spreads all over your body after a soul crushing sob session. It’s funny really, how quickly you seem to turn your emotions on and off like a flip switch, like they aren’t even real at all.

Once your emotions are out of the way, and jihoon is asleep, you can't help but relish in the feeling of your skin under your fingertips. You aren't particularly horny, you just want to feel better and sleep with an empty mind. Masturbation always seems to work.

You throw off your towel and crawl onto the bed, spreading your legs and rubbing small circles on your clit, trying to get yourself wet. You rub and rub, and whine when it starts to feel somewhat good. Still, it isn't good enough to get you soaked thoroughly, so that you can cum again and again to your heart's content.

You groan frustratedly and reach for your phone, feeling extremely ashamed when your finger hovers over heeseung's chats. Your pussy tingles in excitement when you read his lewd words, attached to the video he sent you yesterday.

"Gonna fuck you so good if you give me a chance baby, look how hard you make this dick"

You bite your lower lip and press play, rubbing your thighs together at the wet sounds coming from the video. His dick is so thick and girthy, curving upwards in excitement. His fingers look so long wrapped around his cock, you can’t help but squeeze your thighs at the thought of feeling them inside of you.

The way he moves his palm, up and down, up and down, moaning and groaning your name in pleasure, it has you writhing in no time. You will never admit it to heeseung, but he's the only person you ever think of while touching yourself. He turns you on beyond belief. He turns you on in a way that feels wrong. Almost Taboo.

You continue to rub your clit to the sight of him jerking off, hoping that you could see his face in the video too. You wonder what he looks like when he's feeling good. The thought alone is enough to have you dripping in no time. You throw your phone onto the bed, but before you can start fingering your leaking pussy, your phone rings, making you groan in annoyance.

You reach beside your head to pick it up and almost drop it on your face when you see heeseung's name flashing on your screen.

Fuck. What the fuck.

When he told you in college that he was gonna call, you really didn't think he actually will. But the phone is ringing and your body lights up in excitement. Is he really going to jerk off on call? Is he really that perverse?

Curiosity gets the better of you, and you swipe right, chewing on your lower lip as you press the phone against your ear.

"Hey baby, I didn't think you would pick up, missed me didn't ya? " His cocky voice blares through the speaker and you blush. How was he making you blush over the phone, get a fucking grip y/n.

He chuckles when you don't say anything, finding your silence cute.

"At least say a hi for me baby, so I can know that I'm not about to jerk off for your dad" His words make you wince, why was he so vulgar?

"Heeseung!" You whisper shout, trying to convey through your voice how scandalized you are.

"There she is, fuck pretty, you're gonna stay with me on call while I beat my meat for you yeah?" He grunts and you gasp, feeling violated by his language alone.

You rub your thighs and fiddle with your pebbled nipples "c-can you not use such words? " you ask quietly, hoping that he doesn't pick up on the silent whine that leaves your mouth right after.

You hear a little shuffling on the line and your face feels hot. So he really is getting ready to jerk off? What will he say if you tell him how wet you are for him right now?

Heeseung can't believe you haven't hung up on him yet. His dick getting harder and harder the more that he hears your cute fucking voice.

"Nah baby, I'm a nasty motherfucker, you should know that. If you ever let me fuck your cunt, I'll show you what real nasty sex feels like" He says, groaning when he hears you whimper at his words. Fuck. Why the fuck are you so fucking cute.

He hisses when he wraps his rough palm around his leaking prick, he hasn't even started jerking off yet and he's already leaking so much precum.

Heeseung doesn't like cute things, but fuck does he want to fuck into one, wants to pound your cute little pussy while you make those cute little sounds for him.

His ears perk up when he hears the wet squelching sounds coming through the speaker. Fuck. Fuck are you--?

"baby, are you touching yourself? I can hear your wet little cunt through the phone" He grunts, as if in pain.

The moan that you let out tells him all that he needs to know. And damn he's never been so fucking hard before.

"fuck yeah baby, fuck yourself with your tiny little fingers, make yourself feel real good for me" He groans, stroking his cock at a rapid pace, unable to stop himself from going feral. This is the first time that you have given him the taste of what it really could be like if he was buried in your wet snatch. It's driving him batshit crazy.

"H-heeseung" you mewl, making him fuck into his fist faster. God, you sound so sexy. The heat spreads all over his body, making him feel so damn good that he starts bucking up his hips into his hands.

"Y-yeah? Feels so good yeah , baby? Fuck, I wish It was my cock buried in you right now, I would pound you all fucking night -ugh fuckk" he grunts, panting as he feels the knot in his stomach tighten. He wants to cum so bad.

Your whines reach a fever pitch and the intensity of the wet squelch increases. God, the filthy sounds of your wetness as you play with your pussy, make his tongue loll out of his mouth. He needs to bury his face in your juices before he dies.

"g-gonna c-um im-ah" you moan, whining and panting as your orgasm gets closer.

Heeseung curses under his breath and jerks off furiously, squeezing his engorged dick head and hissing in pure pleasure.

"Oh yeah, cum all over my fucking cock baby, make a fucking mess, I'm gonna give you my cum too" He moans, thrusting up into his fist, again and again and again, chasing his high desperately. His palm is a wet, sticky mess of precum while he strokes his shaft to your whiny voice. You make him so fucking horny, the brutal way he's fisting his dick is a testament to that.

A loud moan on your end makes him cuss, his own eyes rolling back as he hears you cumming. So fucking cute, god you sound heavenly. His hips buck up into his fist a few more times before he's spurting thick strings of his cum all over his chest and palm. He plants his feet onto the bed, and thrusts up into his fist over and over to drain himself of all that he has to give.

Fucking hell, that was probably the best jerk off session of his life. Before he can tell you that, however, you hang up on him.

Heeseung chuckles in exhaustion and doesn't even bother cleaning his body, laying on the bed in pure sexual satiation.

You're so cute.

The events of yesterday hit you hard in the morning. Your eyes are swollen and red because of the crying session you had after masturbation. When the high of the orgasm wore off, everything else came back and it hurt like a bitch.

You can't believe you let heeseung talk you through your orgasm, you can't believe that he made you cum without touching you, and what you can't believe the most is how much you liked it.

Your mind drifts off to Jay, and a sudden shame fills you up again. No matter how hard you try, you're unable to forget the look of disappointment on his face, looking at you with so much annoyance etched onto the creases of his face, it almost reminded you of your mother.

Your gaze goes to the clock and you can't help but heave yourself out of the bed. As much as you'd like to stay and rot in extreme self pity, you don't have the option. Jihoon will be up soon, and you have a limited one hour stretch to make his lunch and get ready for college. You're not ready for the walk of shame to college, but being an academic weapon is your only achievement in life. You wonder what you would be if they take that away from you. Have you ever done anything else? Gone out, made friends? Got drunk at parties, had sleepovers? You haven't, you realize with a throbbing pain at the back of your head. It never was an option for you.

You take a shower and fix a quick breakfast for your brother and yourself, getting ready in your prim and proper attire, reverting back to your put together front.

Waking up jihoon is a work of lost art that you've mastered over the years, and so it's easy work. What isn't easy, however, is to convince him to let you go.

"Why can't you stayy" He whines, tears already filling up his big, brown eyes as he clings to your leg like always.

You kneel down to come face to face with him and quickly wipe his tears away "I'm going to bring back chocolates, you like them right?" you ask, cooing when he nods, his brows still furrowed in defiance.

"Then someone will have to go and bring them right? so be a good boy and let y/n go"

His little brows furrow further and he shakes his head again "suzy can go" He declares, and you can't help but be endeared. All the time that you stay away from him, you'd started to believe that he'll develop more of an attachment with suzy and eventually forget you. But these little things, these are the things that keep you going.

You plant a big kiss on his puffy cheeks and he's back to grinning in no time, giggling as you tackle him in your arms.

"Just a few more hours baby, I'll be back and we'll play together, I promise" you assure the little boy and his eyes shine at your words, "swings! at the park!" He exclaims, as if remembering the most important treasure of his life. You nuzzle his nose with your own and intertwine your pinky with his tiny one in a promise. It's so easy to make him happy, your perfect little baby.

You pepper jihoon with a few more kisses before dropping him off at Suzy's.

Your heart tugs when he starts to cry for you again, but this is your life, you suppose.

You keep your head down the entire way to class, lest you run into Jay and embarrass yourself again. Luckily for you, Jay isn't in his designated seat in the automata class, and you can’t help but breath a sigh of relief.

The relief is tremendously short lived tho, because Lee Heeseung is sprawled on the seat right next to yours in his full glory.

Your cheeks turn red when your eyes meet his cocky ones. He smirks and raises a suggestive brow when you don't make a move to come any closer.

"Do you plan to stand for the entirety of this two hour lecture baby?" He asks, suckling on the pop sickle that he always seems to have somehow. You quickly scan the seats around you, deciding fuck it, and plop onto jay's seat instead. There's no way you will be able to spend two whole hours under Heeseung's lecherous gaze. After last night, you have no idea how to face him. Even on normal days he leaves you extremely flustered and a clumsy mess.

You can feel his gaze burning holes at the back of your head for the entire duration of the lecture. Sometime in the middle of the lesson, a crumpled paper hits the back of your head. You turn around, shooting heeseung an annoyed look. At least you try to look annoyed. The blush is still prominent on your cheekbones so you can only imagine what you look like to him.

He motions his head towards the ball of paper lying near your feet. As much as you want to ignore his shenanigans and focus on the lecture, curiosity always gets the best of you.

You unfold it quickly, tucking it inside your book so that nobody else can catch the words scribbled on it.

"Wait for me in the janitor's closet"

You shoot a defying look towards heeseung and crumple the paper back to land it near his jordans. It's equivalent to you saying "I won't"

Heeseung only grins at you, shooting a wink in your direction, as if to reply

"I know you will"

He has some audacity, you think, as you make your way to the janitor's closet after class. A slave to your desires, you suppose.

A part of you is nervous and ashamed when his 6 feet tall figure enters the limited space of the closet, caging you against the wall. However, the other part of you, the desperate part of you , preens in the attention, almost feeling a sick pride in the fact that you made him cum too. And maybe even harder, if the way he was moaning last night was anything to go by.

His large hands circle your waist , and your breath hitches in your throat when he pulls you closer to himself, his nose touching yours while his hot breaths warm your mouth.

"have sex with me" He says, leaving you speechless, yet again. It's not that he hasn't said those exact same words and even worse things to you before. It's the bluntness that never fails to take you by surprise.

You shake your head, trying to push yourself out of his grasp. He's stubborn tho, and so damn strong, his hold like an iron grip around your body.

"Cmon- he groans in frustration- you can have sex with me on the phone but not in person, how is that fucking fair? "

You whimper when he squeezes the fat of your waist harshly, as if branding your body in his hold. You aren't used to being touched so wantonly, and it makes a sick shiver run down the length of your spine.

"W-we did not have s-sex" you splutter, staring right back into his orbs. His heavy lidded eyes travel down to your lips and he leans in, making you gasp loudly when his pink tongue comes out to taste your lower lip, licking it tentatively. Almost experimental in how he runs it all over your lower plump lip. He pulls away before he can steal your first kiss, and you'd be lying if you said you didn't feel somewhat disappointed.

"Yes we did have sex. Your tight little pussy came for my fucking cock while you were moaning my name" He supplies cockily, his words sending a wave of heat rushing down between your legs.

He buries his nose in the crook of your neck and presses his body flush into yours, grinding the proof of his desire against your leg.

"Look what you do to me, fuck baby, if you won't let me fuck your cunt, at least take responsibility for your own actions" He grunts into your skin and you can't help the pathetic moan that leaves your mouth.

"H-how" you ask, feeling yourself getting wetter the more that he humps your leg.

Heeseung doesn't reply to you, instead, takes your hand that's clutching his shoulder and presses it against his hard on instead.

"fuck yeahhh" He hisses, apparently craving your touch like a drug.

you're sure your face can't get any redder than this. If it wasn't for his tight hold on your body, your knees would have buckled and given up a while ago. The feeling of a dick underneath your palm is foreign but so arousing, the fact that you did this to him. He’s hard for You.

"Come on baby, squeeze it like you mean it, make me feel fucking good" He hisses, groaning into your neck when you squeeze him softly. The hardness in his jeans seems to get thicker and thicker, it fascinates you.

He ruts his hips into your palm, desperately,trying to chase the delicious friction while he pants into your soft flesh.

"Fuck, it's not enough" He curses, pulling back from you to unbuckle himself.

You bite into your lower lip in arousal and squeeze your thighs to alleviate some of the pressure you feel between your legs.

He looks up into your eyes, licking on his lips as he plays with the band of his boxer briefs. He watches in amusement, the way that your eyes can't seem to focus on one single thing, jumping from here to there, so nervous,so pretty and . God, you're cute.

He takes your hand in his own again and slips it inside his boxers, covering your palm with his own while he uses your soft hand to jerk himself off.

The hot and heavy feel of his leaking length has you whining. That only makes him chuckle and groan. "Mhmmn baby that feels so good"

The wet and messy way in which he uses your palm to stroke his length up and down, it's addicting, your palm feels soft and his whole body shivers when he sees how desperately you're squirming, your eyes wide and glossy. He wants to fucking ruin you.

He presses his body further into yours, taking your earlobe into his mouth, small whimpers falling from his mouth while his movements get faster. Your palm is slick with his precum, it should gross you out but everything is so hot and heavy in the small space.

"Are you wet? Just from feeling my dick? Desperate little thing aren't you? " He muses. You shake your head meekly, averting your gaze from his sweaty face and looking down to observe the rapid movements of your combined hands inside his boxers.

"M'not wet" you mewl, eliciting a mocking laugh from the boy. He trails his kisses down the tempting length of your neck, the touch so sensual, it leaves you gasping.

"I can feel your pretty little body squirming against me you know, makes me wanna force my dick inside you, where will you run if I do? " he asks, biting your collarbone when the slide of his dick gets wetter and squelchier.

His words, instead of scaring you, make an inexplicable heat to ignite your insides. You want him to, you can't believe how bad you want him to act on his desires because you know you don't have the courage to act on your own.

"f-fuck, pretty, moan for me baby, wanna hear you when I cum" He sighs into your neck, nipping at your skin and planting kisses in between his moans.

Hearing his words make you keen and he curses under his breath. The hold of his palm is brutal, your hand hurts but God does it feel good to hear him so desperate and needy, whining so hotly in your ear.

"fuck I'm so close so -ugh god-" His voice fades into a delicious moan and you can feel yourself dripping, your juices running down the length your thighs.

You don't hold back on your sounds, letting small whimpers leave your mouth when he digs his teeth into your skin again.

"Why won't you let me fuck you baby, wanna be the first to get inside your virgin little pussy so bad" He pants, supporting himself with a hand planted beside your head on the wall while he continues to masturbate using your flesh.

It's exhilarating, it's hot, and it's so scandalous.

"H-heeseung! " You moan when he lathers the skin of your neck with his saliva, tasting your skin like his life depends on it.

"Sh-shit" He stutters, the lewd way you cry out his name make his eyes roll back to the back of his head. You gasp when you feel his hot length twitching repeatedly, warm, thick liquid covering your entire palm along with his own.

His hips stutter a few more times inside your hold before stilling, a large sigh of satisfaction leaving his lips.

"Fucking hell baby, you always make me cum so hard" He whispers, chuckling to himself.

He pulls your hand out of his boxers and wipes his hand off on his jeans, while you watch in silence with face turning crimson. He dresses himself and winks at you before walking out of the closet, leaving you standing there with your palm covered in his sticky, gooey cum.

You feel used, but at least you’re useful for something.

To say that you are sick of yourself would be an understatement. You feel violated, but some sick part of you enjoys being desired so wantonly. It turns you on. Heeseung doesn't love you, scratch that, he doesn't even like you but here you are, letting him use your body like some mindless sex toy anytime he damn well pleases. You wonder what that says about you. Sure, he's a jerk, but what are you?

You're lost in thoughts, walking home when a loud honk makes you jump on the sidewalk. You turn towards the car honking at you and come to a halt, facing the very familiar Volkswagen.

There’s no way.

"Come on sweetheart, get inside" Jay grins at you from the inside of his car. You blink at a him a couple of time to really make sure that he's here. After the complete fiasco last night, you really weren't expecting to hear from him so fast. Or at all for that matter.

Nonetheless, he is here, and he's asking you to get inside his car. With your eyes downcast, you crawl towards it and slip inside the passenger seat, playing with your fingers while you avoid looking at him at all costs. He doesn't start the car, but you can feel the weight of his gaze on the side of your face.

"I'm sorry about last night" He begins, and you can't help but look up at him astonished. Why was he sorry? You were the one who royally fucked up.

He smiles at you apologetically and reaches out a hand to caresses your cheek by the back of it. If you weren't mentally screaming, you're sure you would have said something, and assured him that he has nothing to be sorry about.

"I just, I shouldn't have tried to kiss you so fast, at least not without taking you on a date first. it's just that we've been friends for so long, and we both like each other, so it just seemed like the right thing to do" He explains, remorse dripping from his tone. You start to node your head in support of his sentiments when his words click inside your brain.

Wait.

"Y-you like me?" You blurt, cheeks flaming when his gaze falls to your mouth and he traces your bottom lip with his thumb.

"So much that i forgot how to behave" He mutters in a trance, all his attention focused on fiddling with your plump and fleshy lower lip.

You blush at his words and avert your gaze back down to your lap, and he pulls his hand back. You want to whine at the loss of contact, enjoying too much being caressed so softly. When was the last time you were touched so gently?

"Before I try to kiss you again, because I will, you're too pretty to resist- he chuckles, and you try to bite back the smile that's threatening to break free on your face- would you like to go on an aquarium date with me? A little birdy told me that is your dream date" He grins at you, wiggling his eyebrows when you look into his kind eyes, and you let your giggles take over your body. The fact that he remembers your random rant from months ago shoots a giddy feeling through your heart. It feels good being remembered.

"How about tomorrow? Skip college and let me take you out? " He suggests and you nod rapidly, almost detaching your neck from its socket. Jay only laughs at you endearingly, and it makes you blush even more.

He drops you off at the same building as last night again, and both of you are grinning from ear to ear when he drives off. You're sure you catch a few stray looks from the passerbys when they see you beaming and giggling like an idiot as you walk back home with an obvious skip in your step. It’s ridiculous, really, but it feels good to have something to look forward to in a very long time.

You sigh loudly when you remember the promise you made to jihoon this morning. You're mentally calculating the time you have prior to when you need to be at the cafe, when Suzy's door opens before you can even knock on it, and out comes your little brother, bounding, and giggling in a high pitched scream.

You squat down to catch him in your arms before he can collide with your legs.

"Looks like someone missed me" You giggle, hugging the little life close to your body, sighing upon inhaling the familiar scent of his baby powder.

"Missed yew" He mumbles into your throat, his little hands wrapped around your neck, and you can’t help but coo at him in adoration. "Missed you too my baby, y/n loves you so much"

"He has been so excited the entire day, he wouldn't even eat until I told him you'll be mad if he didn't" Suzy tells you, coming out of her house with jihoon's water bottle in her hand. You laugh at her words, and pick your brother up in your arms while he continues to nuzzle into you.

"I'll take him to the park for a bit, I have about an hour before my shift starts" You inform her and she nods at you, running her experienced warm eyes over your face.

"You look happy darling" She notes and you can't help the blush that dusts your cheeks at her words. She apparently notices , cooing at how shy you are all of a sudden.

"is it a boy y/n, yes or no?" She asks, a teasing lilt in her voice and you bite your lower lip, nodding in a giddy manner.

"It is, I have a date tomorrow" you admit, unable to conceal the excitement in your voice. She gasps and pats your head "what a fortunate man he'll be to have someone as amazing as you darling" She whispers, pure emotion shining in her eyes.

You swallow the lump forming in your throat at her words, averting your gaze and mumbling a small thank you. No, you refuse to cry today, you had your fill of indulging in your emotions yesterday.

So, you push her words to the recess of your mind, where you securely encase them in a metaphorical box, stacking it up on a bunch of age old boxes. Emotions that you adamantly refused to confront and deal with, a stance that you still maintain.

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As you sit staring at your wardrobe, a sense of urgency washes over you and you come to two stark realizations.

Firstly, you need to buy more clothes. The sparse collection of garments hanging before you testified to this necessity.

Secondly, and perhaps more pressing, was the acute awareness that none of what you have is remotely suitable for a date.

Jay is supposed to pick you up in a mere hour and you don't have anything to wear. Well, there's a blue halter neck dress that you wore for freshmen party in your first year, which you're sure doesn't fit you now. There's 3 silk pressed shirts which you alternate at your college, a handful of skirts and a scattering of sweaters.

And that's it.

You're about to cry when you feel a wave of panic rising within you. You’re o utterly unprepared for this moment.

As the crushing clarity threatens to overwhelm you, a pang of longing sweeps through you. You wish you had a girlfriend. It's not like you don't have friends, you talk to several people in school, be it for work or just casual chatting , but that's about it. Your relations with other people end as soon as you step out of your university building. Of course, you know that it's your own fault that you don't have anyone in your life, you never really put in the effort to keep up with someone, a casualty of your own reluctance to invest in deeper connections.

Whenever someone tries to delve deeper into your life, you just push back, and you push back hard. You are too consumed with your own life, you suppose. It's not that you have never had any friends either, you have had quite a lot, in fact, you even had a best friend in middle school. Time really changed you as a person though, its not to say that she didn't change either, time changes everyone, but your change had been tangible. You just let everyone go, choosing to stay in your own miserable bubble, blocking all attempts of reaching out or any support that you so desperately needed. Each flicker of friendship extinguished, each bond severed, bore the weight of your own self imposed isolation. You did this to yourself, you weren't a victim of circumstances no matter how much self pity you reserve for yourself. You were the architect of your own solitude, barricading yourself within the confines of your melancholic safety. You tell yourself that it’s better this way, that you don’t need anyone, but how long can you fool yourself?

The halter dress is the only option left for you it seems.

The dress is not tight, but anyone looking at it can tell that it's not made to fit your body either. It's not revealing, but you can't call it modest either, at least by your standards, you don't think you've ever shown so much skin before. The blue one piece ends smack in the middle of your thighs, your chest is covered for the most part, and the long sleeves cover up your arms. If it's not for the unfamiliar sight of your bare legs, everything looks quite normal, you don't look hideous so that's a relief.

You opt for leaving your hairs open, because last time you did that, Jay tried to kiss you.

You wait for Jay at the entrance of your false residence. If he finds it odd that you're already outside, he doesn't comment on it, and you're grateful for that.

"Wow" Jay says as soon as you enter his car “ you look so hot”, making your ears turn bright red.

"T-thank you" you mumble, trying not to be bothered by how blatantly he is ogling at your exposed thighs, or how his eyes linger due to your dress riding upwards when you sit down.

You both make casual conversation during the drive, and it's comfortable, the casual back and forth just like old friends. You can get used to this, you tell yourself.

The aquarium that he takes you to is bigger than your entire university building, so pretty and so enchanting, you almost lose track of time. Ever since you were little, you have dreamed of visiting one, you remember writing the same in one of your introductory papers in second semester, a paper that was discussed in class as well. How jay managed to remember that is beyond you tho. Throughout the date, he keeps you updated on every thing that you come across, and it feels good to have his attention completely focused on you. You almost combust when he takes you to a restaurant after the aquarium date, thoroughly flabbergasted because you've never been on a date before.

The experience is something you will never forget, your first date, the thought makes you feel ecstatic, the wide smile on your face which refuses to go away is a testament to that.

Turns out, your first kiss happens in the same night as well. As soon as Jay parks his car outside your trademark building, he's all over you. He doesn't ask you, he just leans over to you and smashes his lips against yours, tasting your hot mouth eagerly. You don't know what you're doing, your hands are placed awkwardly over his chest while you try to move your lips against his, mimicking his movements to the best of your ability. He doesn't seem bothered by your lack of skills tho, just diving into your mouth with his tongue, one hand cupping your face while with the other, he gropes your thighs.

You push back your discomfort and revel in the feeling of his touch, gasping when he bites into your lower lip. He tastes like the wine you drank at the restaurant and you wonder if you taste the same to him.

The kiss ends too soon for your liking, but, the feeling of his dark eyes and rough hands running all over the length of your body shamelessly, follows you back home.

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You ignore heeseung's calls for the next few days, almost contemplating blocking his number once and for all, but for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to do it.

Your dates with Jay continue, and you do manage to buy yourself a new dress. You’re doing well for your first relationship, if you can even call it that.

Even though Jay does seem to love kissing you, never in a million did you ever think that you'd find yourself in such a compromising position. However, here you are, sitting on Jay's lap in the middle of class while he eats your face. Yes, he's actually devouring your mouth, tongue buried so deep into your throat that the feeling has you arching your body into him.

What makes the experience more thrilling is the audience you have. Your classmates had collectively gasped when Jay pulled you onto his lap seemingly out of nowhere. But, it isn't them that you are worried about. It's the boy at the back of the class with a perfect scowl etched onto his handsome face as he watches you make out with someone that's not him.

Heeseung looks livid and you wonder why. Is he upset because he thinks you aren't a virgin anymore?

Jay lets you go with a smirk when the professor announces his presence, and you rush to your seat that's right in front of the scowling boy, in a daze. It's actually amazing how he ignores you the entire lecture, something that has never happened before. what's more unsettling is the fact that you are mildly disappointed by that.

You want to ask him what he's upset about, but you aren't able to gather the courage to. As much as heeseung's a constant itch at the back of your head, you remind yourself that you're dating Jay now, so you can't be thinking about other men.

You're dating Jay now. You're dating Jay. You're dating.

None of those sentences sound real to you.

However, the giddy feeling inside your chest dwindles as Jay gets more and more touchy throughout the entire day. You can't tell if it's normal to grope your chest just a few days after you had your first kiss, but you don't want to make him upset again. You don’t like seeing him angry. Besides, isn't this what you always wanted? Someone to want you, someone to love you?

And haven't you let Heeseung do worse things to you anyway? Why haven't you ever felt such discomfort when Heeseung used your body to get himself off? . But the truth is, has Heeseung ever touched you this way? Sure he sends you inappropriate messages that are borderline harassment, sure he used your hand to jerk himself off once, sure he wants your virginity and he has made his intentions clear, but has he ever ventured beneath your clothes before?

He has never groped your body before, not like Jay is doing. Now that you think about it, heeseung has never even kissed you before. Your mind makes countless comparisons between Heeseung and Jay, and you wonder why you do that to yourself. Were you really comparing the guy whose whole purpose of pursuing you was to pop your cherry and wear it like a symbol of achievement, to the boy that likes you and took you to your dream date?

A gasp leaves your throat when jay grabs your ass, smacking it and making you yelp between harsh kisses. You're glad you're in his car and not outside, glad that people aren't there to witness you being touched like this.

"You're so pretty" He whispers in your ear, and so you latch onto his words and overlook his actions.

Now that you have someone who likes you back, do you really want to push him away? Do you want to let your useless self doubt and trust issues stop you from living your life yet again? No.

Thus, you push your discomfort to the back of your mind when his hand travels under your skirt at one point.

"It's normal y/n, don't make a fool of yourself" you chant in your head, trying to enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

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“We never really talk.... There's so much we still don't know about each other" your voice is meek, feeling hesitant to say your thoughts out loud in case you end up upsetting jay; which you seem to be doing a lot, to be honest.

The said boy groans from the seat in front of you where he's busy on his phone, completely facing away from you.

"We know plenty" He quips, not even sparing you a glance, and you bite your lower lip to stop yourself from thinking too much about it. Maybe he just isn't in the mood today? But again, when is he ever in a mood?

All you do is make out, and when things get heated, you always pull away. Then he gets agitated, and doesn't talk to you for days. It fucks with your head, but you go along, and even though you don't feel comfortable, you start letting him touch you more, and even though your body is taut with tension, he never seems to care.

You want to tell him about your brother, want to share the little things you do together and the things that make you happy. You want to ask what his favorite color is.

However, the opportunity never seems to come.

Your mind drifts off to heeseung, and the little notes he used to throw at the back of your head during last semester.

"Do you like roses or lilies?"

"Do you sleep on your stomach or side? "

"Are you going to the town fair?"

You remember ignoring him back then, but now your heart constricts. Even if he was just trying to bother you, those questions were probably the only time someone had tried to get to know you. You don't know what it is about heeseung, but everybody just looks at you, he's the only one who has ever made you feel seen. Maybe in another universe you would push aside your shyness and answer those notes. Maybe in another universe you would throw some notes back at him, asking things that you wanna know.

"I like tulips... But lilies are good too"

"I sleep on my back, sleeping in any other position makes me sore, I don't know why tho"

"I'm not going to the town fair, I have to stay home with my brother, he's really small"

But it's too late now, and you swallow down your words, squash the need to talk to someone, and resort to the heavy silence that is your life.

Heeseung is about to fly off the handle. The sight of you in another man's arms shouldn't bother him this much and yet, it does. The fact that you're ignoring his calls and messages makes him feel slightly insane. It shouldn't be like this. You are just a bet. A pick. Just another name on the list.

Then why the fuck is he this close to smashing jay's annoying face in. It isn't even about your virginity anymore, and that's what bothers him the most.

He hates it, hates that he's so affected by you, but he should have seen it coming,to be honest. With the way he stays up late just to jerk off to your pretty face, no girl has ever drove him this close to insanity before. The lust he feels for you is blinding and all consuming. It burns him, the desire he feels for you scorches him from the inside. It unsettles him how badly you’ve managed to turn him into a slave to your big, doe eyes.

Therefore, when he catches you alone in the classroom after three whole weeks of you ignoring his presence, he just can't help himself. It’s unfair how fucking pretty you look standing near the white board, scribbling something down onto your notebook while trying to setup the projector for your presentation later.

The sound of the classroom door being shut makes you jump, but the reason makes cold dread run inside your chest. Heeseung looks like a predator as he advances on your figure, eyes dark in lust and the vein in his neck throbbing with anger. His hands itch with the desire to touch you, it's been way too long for his liking since he last felt you close.

Before you can say anything or do anything, he's on you. The feeling of his lips against yours is electrifying,it feels like your entire body comes alive at the contact. His kiss is surprisingly slow and more bruising than you've ever been kissed before. His hands wrap around your waist and he pulls you closer to himself, tilting his head to trace your lower lip with his tongue, waiting for you to let him in.

You should push him away but you don't. You can't. Your head is dizzy with a passion you've only ever felt with him, your arms wrapping around his neck as you push yourself closer to his firm body, opening your mouth and letting him tangle his tongue with yours. The moan that leaves your mouth at the feeling makes his slacks tighten, his dick hard and throbbing inside his trousers.

You taste so fucking addicting, Heeseung doesn't wanna stop kissing and tasting your warm mouth.

When he pulls away to breathe, you're both panting heavily, his forehead resting against yours, dark eyes staring into your soul.

"I don't like when someone ignores me y/n" He growls, his voice sharp and hoarse from desire. The feeling of his hard on digging into your stomach makes you squirm.

"I - I have a boyfriend, I shouldn't be talking to you" You manage to let out, biting back another moan when he grinds a bit into you.

Heeseung feels hot rage flash across his chest at your words.

"Oh yeah? He got his dick inside you yet?" He asks, his words making you blanch. How was he always so vulgar?

"That's, that's none of your business" You splutter, looking anywhere but his eyes.

His hold tightens around your waist and he continues to grind his hard on against your soft flesh.

"I'll take that as a no, fuck, still a virgin aren't you baby?" he guesses.

You avoid looking at him and it only spurs him on further, his hold tightens around your body the more that you try to maintain some space.

"What a loser, if I was him, I would have buried myself into that tight little cunt of yours on the first night of our date" He whispers, and for some reason, his words excite you instead of disgusting you. A sick tingle runs down your spine and throbs between your legs.

"H-he's not like you" You quip, looking up into his eyes to get your point across "he doesn't want me for my body, he loves me for me"

Your words seem to make him angry, if the slight clench of his jaw is anything to go by.

He stops moving against you and scoffs.

"Loves you? What do you know about being loved y/n? "

His tone is mocking, and eyes full of unfiltered rage, the words spoken with an intention to hurt. And hurt, they do. You wonder how he knows the exact place to strike to make pain ricochet so wildly inside your ribs.

What do you know about being loved? Nothing, you suppose. How do you recognize love if you have never seen it before? or do you just accept everything that comes to you as love because you don't have any option to? do you just cling onto every act of kindness because of how much you want it to be love?

What do you know about being loved indeed.

Seeing your face fall makes heeseung regret his words almost instantly, the sight of your big eyes blinking up at him so solemnly makes his heart twist uncomfortably. What the fuck?

Before he can apologize, however, your small hands slide down to push against his chest, and he lets you go. He doesn't stop you when you collect your assignment that you'd been working on when he barged in, your gaze downcast and shoulders slumped as if heavy from the weight of his words.

The urge to pull you into his arms hits him as he watches you leave, but he's too much of a coward for that.

Because no matter how much he wants himself to believe it,

You aren't just a name on the list, you never have been.

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The atmosphere feels different today. You took a day off from college just to spend time with Jay, and although it makes you feel guilty that you left jihoon with suzy for the entire day, you can't help but be selfish for once.

All of this feels like a fever dream and you want to enjoy it before your alarm rings and you’re thrust back into the harsh reality once again.

Jay took you back to the aquarium, then you both went to the beach that his dad owned, and you were having so much fun that you just couldn't say no when he asked you to stay the night at his place. "No funny business" He assured.

But that didn't last long.

You whined into his mouth as his rough palms travelled beneath your silky sundress, sundress that he bought for you. "The yellow really suits your skin, wanna kiss you stupid" He had said, leaving you a flustered mess.

"I'm gonna take this off baby" Jay whispers into your mouth, sitting back up and sliding your dress up your legs without waiting for your answer.

You squirm in anxiety and embarrassment when he exposes your panties to his curious eyes. You want to cover yourself, you want to hide, but his firm hold on your waist keeps you down and under his mercy.

He slides your dress further up your stomach and then it happens. Your worst nightmare comes true. His eye brows furrow and you watch in dread as his entire face shuts down.

"Let's turn the lights off" He says, and you don't know what's worse, the way he eyes your body in distaste , or the way he pulls your dress down to cover you up.

"Why? " You manage to ask, swallowing the lump forming in your throat. You know why, you just want to hear it. You want to hear him say it so that your illusion can shatter once and for all.

Jay looks away and sighs, his jaw ticking in frustration "because that's how I like to have sex" He replies, his tone smooth, but you are anything but stupid.

You sit up and bite on your wobbly lower lip, smoothing down your dress on your thighs with shaky hands.

"You don’t like what you saw" You whisper, barely audible, but he hears you alright. His nostrils flare as he finally turns to face you, looking angry and terrifying.

"Do you have to be so damn difficult all the fucking time you stupid bitch? I'm trying not to be mean but you wanna hear how much your body's turning me off to your face? " He grits, hands coming down to grab your thighs and spreading your legs open. A sob escapes your lips at his words and you hit his chest to push him away

"I w-want to go home" You cry, sobbing more when he grunts in anger and slaps your face, pinning you down by your throat while he pushes you down onto your back, and straddles your thighs.

"Wasted so much of my fucking time on you, and now you want to go home? Right when I'm this close to being the first one who's gonna scratch your name off the list? "

Your heart stops at the implication of his words, pure disgust and terror runs through your veins.Your eyes fill up with more tears and you start using your full body strength, squirming and flailing, somehow managing to hit him in the shins with your knee. He howls in pain and rolls off of you , cussing you out.

"Fucking bitch" He growls, but you don't stay or look back, grabbing your phone and running as fast as you can. You hear his footsteps chasing you, but the adrenaline pushes you forward even though your vision is blurry with how much you're crying.

How you managed to open his house's main gate is beyond you, but once you are out in the open, the night air hitting your wet cheeks, that's when you come to a halt. You don't know how far or how long you ran, you don't see any people around, just luxurious houses standing tall, and it makes you sob more. You don't see Jay chasing you down the road so that calms your heart a little, but soon, the gravity of your situation sinks in. You almost got raped.

The thought makes your knees wobble and you unceremoniously collapse onto the sidewalk, your back resting against a cold metal pole. Your hands shake and sobs wrack your entire body, feeling intense pain coursing through your bones.

You were jay's pick too. How could you have been so blind to the signs? Him approaching you out of the blue, just a few weeks after the list got released . if you weren't blinded by your stupid feelings, you would have seen it as clear as day. He wanted your virginity. Just like Heeseung.

He didn't like you as you had deluded yourself into thinking.

The disgust on his face when he saw the stretch marks littering the lining of your stomach, it was so palpable it made you flinch.

Was he going to fuck you just for the sake of winning the game? Is your virginity really all that? But who are you kidding, all this time, you have held onto your virginity so desperately because you know that it's the only thing that makes you desirable, doesn't it? It's the only reason Heeseung wants you, it's the only reason Jay pursued you, what even are you without your virginity? Once you lose it, you'll fade into the background again.

No more delusions. Just plain, cruel reality.

The hurt you feel is something that you brought upon yourself. Did you not know yourself? How could you ever, even for a second, expect someone to love this version of you? When even you can't look at your body without disgust, why did you expect Jay to?

As your sobs quite down and turn into small sniffles, you dial Heeseung's number and let your phone ring. This is it, you think to yourself, heart oddly calm when he picks up on the second ring.

"Hey sweetheart, this is the first time you have called me on y-

"Do you still want to fuck me? " You ask, your voice hoarse and monotonous.

You hear a sudden clatter of something falling down on the other end of the line, like he dropped something, taken off guard by the suddenness of your question.

"I-yeah-i mean what? are you okay baby? " He splutters, and your head throbs, you look around yourself and don't even recognize where you are.

"can you pick me up? I know it's late, but i think I'm lost, you can fuck me as payment, I'm still a virgin" You explain. And somehow, hearing you talk about yourself like a commodity rubs Heeseung the wrong way. What's going on with you? You don't even sound like the y/n he knows.

"Where are you baby? " He asks, and if you didn't know any better, you would say that he sounds concerned.

"I don't know.. there's a beach nearby.... and the area looks expensive, but i can't tell what street-

"send me your location from the maps baby, I'll be right there, just stay where you are " He warns before hanging up.

You want to smack your head against concrete, so much for being an academic weapon, why didn't you think about sharing your location before.

You rub your bare arms to keep yourself warm. Apparently, the dress isn't as warm against the night cold as it seemed to be inside the warmth of the house.

Somehow, this decision feels right. Heeseung has been the only person who has been honest about his intentions with you from the very beginning. Although it was the exact same thing that Jay wanted, but still, it feels right to let Heeseung take your virginity instead of anybody else. You want this miserable fallacy of want and desire to end. And for that, you are going to give away the only thing that makes you special. Sounds like a perfect plan to you.

After what seems like an eternity, a blue Toyota stops right in front of you.

You don't even glance at it twice, just staring blankly at your feet, until you hear the driver's door open, and shoes come into your line of vision. You don't even have a chance to look up before heeseung's gathering you into his arms

"Holy fuck you're freezing baby" He exclaims, picking up your numb body as you cling onto him for life, you can barely feel your legs. Heeseung lays you down in the back seat, and instantly turns the heater on. A cold shiver runs up your spine at the sudden temperature change, your eyes falling shut on their own, and everything around you fades into darkness. You want to sleep a very long sleep.

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Heeseung looks at your body in his back seat, anxiety coiling in his stomach at the sight of you being curled up into a fetus position. Even as he drives, he can't concentrate on anything else, because he's pretty sure he saw a red mark on your left cheek, like someone hit you. Hard.

He's hoping he's wrong, because the rage building up in his chest is inexplicable.

There's dry mascara tracks running down your cheeks so he figures that you must have been crying, and he can't help the sick jolt he feels in his cock at the thought.

The yellow dress you're wearing is riding all the way upto your thighs, and Heeseung can feel his throat getting parched. So much skin. He's never seen you this exposed before. He wants to touch you, wants to run his palm over your smooth skin and kiss you till you're moaning into his mouth , and he wants to take you up on that offer you made on the phone, he wants to see for himself how pretty you look while crying.

He curses himself for having such thoughts when you're clearly not okay, but Heeseung's no saint. He’s never claimed to be one either.

He knows that if you asked him to take your virginity to his face, he will ravage you on the spot, it won't matter that you seem to be in pain. He'll make you forget everything and fill you with pure pleasure the entire night.

He's not a man of morals, and he's never pretended to be one.

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You wake up with a start, breathing heavily while your eyes adjust to the view around you. The unfamiliar soft sheets, the tasteful and expensive decor of the room, it all intimidated you somehow. You called heeseung, that's all that you remember, everything after that is a blur. Is this jay's room? Did he find you again?

Your heart's beating really fast, threatening to give up on you as you look down and see yourself in a white linen shirt instead of the dress that you were wearing instead. What the fuck happened.

You instinctively reach between your legs and it doesn't hurt, your panties are dry and intact. So, this isn't jay's house or clothes. The familiar cologne fills up your senses once you take a whiff of the shirt you're wearing, and it all makes sense. Heeseung.

This is heeseung's house, and his room probably, definitely his shirt. Did he change you out of your dress? Was he as disgusted as jay when he saw the mess that you were underneath your clothes?

You look around yourself and sigh in relief at finding your phone on the bedside table, exhaling the breath that you didn't know you have been holding.

Before you can reach for it tho, the door to the room opens. You pull the sheets closer to your chest when Heeseung peeks in. He seems a little taken aback at seeing you awake and sitting up , looking like he caught you in the middle of doing something.

"Thank god you're up baby, thought you’d die on me" He grins, coming inside and closing the door behind him. Suddenly, the room feels small for just the two of you, your fingers wringing nervously when he takes a seat next to you, his hands coming up to cup your cheeks.

You bite back a pained whimper at the pressure against your left cheek, Jay must have hit you really hard, the skin still sensitive and stinging at the slightest of touch. Heeseung seems to notice your discomfort and removes that hand instantly, choosing to caress the other side of your face instead.

"I need to know that you're okay sweetheart" He says, urging you to speak. But you don't know what you're supposed to say, you aren't okay, obviously, but this is better than everything else so you suppose you are. You choose to nod instead.

He hums and slides more closer to you, forcing you to look into his eyes, his face so close that if you leaned forward just a bit, your lips would collide.

"Do you want to tell me what happened? Who did this to you?" He asks, and you are taken aback by the softness in his touch and words. But you'd be a fool if you fall for that again.

Hence, you take hold of his free hand instead, watching how his eyes immediately fall to your tight grip, watching in rapt attention as you guide his hand under your shirt, and between your legs. Heeseung's eyes instantly darken when his hand comes into contact with your panty clad pussy, a few choice words leaving his mouth when you gasp at his touch.

Fuck. He likes this bold version of you.

His eyes meet yours, and hot arousal pools in his lower stomach at the way you're looking at him, eyes blown out in lust and desperation.

"It doesn't matter" You whisper, inching closer to his face, and planting a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth "just want you to fuck me and show me how good sex can feel"

A deep grunt leaves his chest at your words, and the next thing you know, his hungry mouth is latched on yours, the force of his actions making you hit your back against the bed sheets while he mounts your body, his palm still cupping the centre of your legs. He kisses you like he's been deprived of you for so long. All thoughts of your well being leave his mind, focus locked onto the sinful words you just whispered into his ear. His tongue dives into your mouth and you give him free access, both of you exchanging spit messily. You mewl into his kiss, your body squirming pathetically when he starts rubbing your clit from above your panties, applying just the right amount of pleasure to leave you gasping.

You're just about to thread your fingers in his silky strands when the familiar ringtone of your phone makes you jolt. He ignores the sound like he can't even hear it, tongue too busy sucking yours, the movement of his thumb getting faster and harder.

You can't ignore the sound tho, there aren't many people who call you. So, when your phone rings for the second time, you know it's important. You push against his chest, and he pulls away, panting heavily while he stares at you, brows furrowed in confusion.

You swallow the spit pooling in your mouth as you watch him gathering your saliva coating his lips and sucking it into his own. How does he make everything seem so hot and nasty?

"Sorry, i- i have to take that" you whisper, motioning towards your blaring phone. Heeseung grabs it from the nightstand and hands it over to you instantly "make it fast baby" He grunts, retreating his hand from between your legs and settling on groping the soft flesh of your thighs instead.

You nod, and curse when you see Suzy's name. Fuck. Fuck. You never thought about informing her of your whereabouts. She must have been waiting for you. Jihoon must be waiting for you. With an apology on the top of your tongue, you swipe right.

"Hey suzy, I'm sorr-

"Y/n, your dad is back and you need to come back right now" Her terrified voice cuts you off. Panic takes hold of your spine, and you instinctively get out of the bed, standing up to calm down your heart. You can feel heeseung's inquisitive gaze on you, but you can't be bothered with keeping up appearances right now.

"What do u mean? Why do u sound scared?" You ask her, tears gathering at your waterline, because as much as you want to stay calm, the terror grips hold of your heart. It’s never good when your dad is back.

There's some shuffling on the other side, and your heart drops when you recognize jihoon's sobs, and Suzy's coos trying to shush him down.

"What's going on?!" you can't help but raise your voice, even though it quivers.

"Listen y/n, I think he came back a few hours ago, but when he didn't find you at home he came banging on my door, asking me where you were. And he was drunk out of his mind, but he heard jihoon's voice and now he is not leaving. He keeps banging on the windows, and asking for his son, I don't know what to do. I kept calling you, and you didn't pick up. I'm going to call the police, but jihoon is not my child y/n, you have to come back right now" More shuffling, and a loud thudding sound cuts the call off, making your heart beat out of your chest.

"Suzy??, suzy?!" No response. You look around in panic, meeting Heeseung's worried eyes.

"Pants, can you lend me some pants please" you ask him, tears dripping down your face. You're panicking so hard right now, your fingers feel numb. Heeseung scrambles to his feet immediately, and noticing your shaking hands, he helps you inside them himself, folding them so they don’t restrict your movement.

"Thank you, can you- you fret- can you please, please drop me to my house. I know I promised I'd let you fuck me but I really need-

His soft lips interrupt your rant while he kisses you tenderly and cups your face, wiping your tears with the pads of his thumbs "address, baby"

And this time, you tell him your real one.

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You keep dialing Suzy's number the entire ride home but she doesn't pick up. If Heeseung hears you quietly sobbing, he doesn't mention it. You guide him to your house, and are thankful for the distraction his fingers provide as he draws random patterns on your thigh with his free hand.

You don't believe in God, you never have, but somehow , in this moment, you pray to whatever power is out there, if there is any, to keep your brother safe. You don't care about anything else. Just keep your little love safe.

Heeseung doesn't make small talk, doesn't ask questions, and you find that so comforting, it makes you wanna sob your heart out in his car.

The way he doesn’t look even slightly disgruntled by the state of your house or your neighborhood makes you want to tell him all about that you've been going through while he says nothing at all. It's been so long since someone listened to you, you know, just for the sake of listening, to take some burden off of your heavy heart.

You don't question it when heeseung gets out of his car with you, letting him follow you to Suzy's house. You don't even trust heeseung like that, but knowing that he's right behind gives you a silent strength.

Your dad's slumped on the front porch, one baseball bat clutched in one hand, and rubbing his face with the other. To say that he disgusts you, would be an understatement. How could you have ever loved this man? You haven't seen your father in so long, he got lost behind the violent person with red raging eyes a very long time ago. This man in front of you isn't your dad.

His bleary eyes fall on you, and he instantly stumbles onto his feet, pointing the bat at you.

"Where have you been you little whore" He hisses, his red eyes looking at you in pure hatred.

"What do you want dad?" You ask, fighting away any shakiness that manages to creeps into your words. Your heart is beating fast, you need to make sure that jihoon is safe, but the lack of noise from inside the house scares you.

"Where's my money?" He demands gruffly, taking a few steps towards you. You don't stumble back like you usually do, trying to hold your ground.

"There's no money dad, there's nothing for you here" You quip. Your words seem to anger him more, his nostrils flare, and he points the bat at the house "bring that little bitch out, I know you're hiding him inside, if you won't make me money, he will" He spits, and you can't believe your ears, hot tears dribble down your cheeks, blurring your vision of him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?? Have you got no amount of shame left in you? "

A yelp resounds from your throat when your father grabs hold of your wrist all of a sudden, pulling you close, boring his threatening eyes into yours. You wince at the smell of alcohol on his breath.

"The fuck did you just say to me you little slut- he twists your arm, making you cry out in pain, you try pulling yourself away but he only tightens his hold on your arm- do u want me to break your ribs like I did with your whore moth- it all happens so fast, the grip on your arm loosens, a scream rips through the air, your dad falls to the ground. And then there's silence.

You stare in disbelief at the boy straddling over your dad's unconscious body, wiping his bloody knuckles on his jeans. He punches your dad's face twice more, then kicks him to roll him over while he stands back up.

At that point he turns to you, and you start sobbing. Heeseung is about to open his mouth to apologize for punching your dad unconscious, panicking that he did something wrong when you're pulling him into you, smashing your lips against his, kissing him with all that you've got.

Heeseung is taken aback, his eyes widening when your taste invades his mouth, but he recovers almost instantly and pulls you close to his body, kissing you back just as hard. The kiss is wet and salty because of how much you're crying, but he couldn't care less.

You're both breathing heavily when you pull apart, eyes widening when you hear Suzy's door click open. Jihoon!

You leave Heeseung standing on the porch, running to suzy when she comes outside "jihoon?" you question, your voice out of breath.

She glances at Heeseung, and then at your dad, before looking back at you.

"He fell asleep while crying, I think he got one of his seizures y/n, all the shouting really scared him" she explains, and you cup your mouth, more tears prick your eyes, feeling your heart break all over again.

It's been years since your brother got his last seizure attack because of trauma triggers. You have managed to keep him away from all his triggers, except this time. All because you were selfish, and wanted to stay the night away. Your life has to be one long, never ending sick joke.

"where's he?" you ask, your voice feeble, you're afraid you'll start screaming if you aren't careful.

"In the spare bedroom, go, I'll take care of him" She says, motioning towards your dad.

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The time span between carrying your brother home to tuck his sleeping figure inside his buzz Light year sheets, while suzy takes care of informing the police and calling the ambulance for your unconscious, and injured dad is a blur for you.

Heeseung doesn't get in trouble because you vouch for the attack being in self defense, your dad's history of abuse and drinking helps your case.

After all cars are gone, and you finally breathe a sigh of relief, you realize that Heeseung is still here. Your heart feels full when you look at his unruly appearance, and you don't want to admit the yearning you feel for him right at this moment. He's the first person besides suzy to witness the shit show that is your life, and you wonder why isn't gone yet.

And then you remember. Right, your virginity. How can you forget.

You find him leaning against your kitchen counter, hands in pocket as he waits for you. He looks so out of place standing in your small kitchen, the light bulb swinging above his head makes his skin glow, and you can't help but be attracted towards him like a moth drawn to the flame. His eyes find yours as soon as you round the corner to your kitchen, and they stay. This look is different.

He's looking at you like he's seeing you for the first time.

You take tentative steps towards his figure, fiddling with the long sleeves of his shirt that you're wearing. You don't even get to open your mouth before he's pulling you closer to him, his one hand wrapping around your waist while he cups your cheek with the other, swallowing the gasp that escapes your lips at the sudden touch.

He kisses you like you're the air that he breathes, his tongue dipping and tasting all crevices of your warm mouth. You fist the shirt on his chest, and tilt your head to deepen the kiss, whining into his famished mouth.

The kiss is everything you've ever wanted. It's not rushed, but it's needy. The passion dripping from his lips renders you boneless, and you lean further into him. The exhaustion seeping inside your bones seems to get heavy with each languid stroke of his tongue, and you don't realize when the tears start falling down your cheeks. He doesn't pull back tho, just trails his kisses upto your face, swallowing your tears as he pulls you flush to his body, dissipating any ounce of space that was left between you two.

When you pull apart, your mouths are connected by a string of saliva, hot pants escaping your chests. He rests his forehead against yours, and caresses your face by the back of his hand, cooing when you bite your lower lip to stop the tears from falling again.

You're exhausted. You're dead tired and his touch seems to be your undoing, setting all your emotions free, the severity of all the events that happened in the last twelve hours hitting you all at once.

"Let me fuck your pain away, baby" He whispers, and in that moment, you can't seem to resist falling into the familiar comfort of delusion. You know that once you let him fuck you, he'll lose interest, but you need it now. You want to bask in his affection and call it love. You want to experience feeling loved and wanted before it's inevitably snatched away from you.

"fuck me" you whisper back, wrapping your arms around his shoulders when he groans and leans into your mouth again. Heeseung feels like a fucking jerk, but seeing you so helpless, and in dire need of his touch makes him delirious.

This is a new feeling. This desire to be needed by you.

He would not admit it to you, but he relishes in the fact that you're alone, and in so much pain. It makes it easier for him to show you how much you need him. He wants you to keep him, crave him like he does you.

You gasp into his mouth when he hoists you up into his arms, your tiny figure melting into his touch. He loves it, loves how easy you are.

He might be taking advantage of your pain and vulnerability, but he only wants you to want him just as badly as every bone in his body wants you.

Your back hits the couch, and you stare up at him with wide eyes as he hovers over you, a lustful glint in them that drives him nuts. Your hands bunch up the shirt on his chest, and you pull him back into you again, not getting enough of his lips on yours.

You love how dizzy his touches are making you, your body arching into him when he gropes your curves, his hands all over you.

"Wanna see you naked" He whispers, and your heart plummets into your stomach. A sinking feeling beginning to form a pit inside your chest. No, it can't be happening again.

He must see the hesitance on your face, because he's caressing your cheek again, so softly and so gently, you almost mistake it for genuine care, but you know better.

"What is it?" He asks, planting few pecks on your pouty and swollen lips.

You twiddle with the button of his shirt, and avoid eye contact.

"C-can we turn the lights off? looking at me might turn you off" you manage to mumble, the words burning your throat on their way out .However, you're done lying to yourself.

Heeseung doesn't say anything, and you peek up to see his face. He is looking at you like you've grown two heads. It makes you feel self conscious, your ears burning in humiliation, feeling like you ruined the mood already.

"You're beautiful" He blurts, eyes still fixed on you in disbelief, he can't fathom you thinking such a thing about yourself. Him? Getting turned off by you? He has not heard a more ridiculous thing in his life before.

Your eyes snap up to him at his words and you furrow your brows in irritation.

"You don't have to lie to get inside my pants I al-"

"I've jerked off to your face" He cuts you off. Your mouth splutters like a fish as you blink up at him, trying to process his words.

He's still staring at you, eyes dark and deep.

"Jerked off just to your face. Not even your body. you're so beautiful I get hard by the mere thought of you"

You don't know whether to laugh or cry. Only Heeseung can say such things and make them feel like a compliment. You can't help the giggle that escapes your lips, and you hide your face into your hands.

"God, you're unbelievable" you groan between your giggles, unknown to the fact that heeseung's currently losing his damn mind on top of you. In that moment he realises, that he's never made you laugh before. You have never looked up at him and giggled before. The sound shoots straight to his hardening cock and spreads a warm feeling inside of his chest. He can't believe how overwhelming this sudden emotion is, and he isn’t sure where this sudden influx of affection for you is coming from. However, there’s one thing heeseung’s sure about, and it’s the fact that he loves this sight more than he loves to see you crying. And that's saying a lot.

He swallows thickly when you remove your hands from in front of your face, and smile up at him, chewing on your lower lip as the blush on your cheeks darkens

"This might be most romantic thing someone has ever said to me" you whisper, wrapping your arms around his neck again.

Heeseung leans down to press soft kisses to your jaw, preventing you from seeing the softness in his eyes. He trails his kisses down towards your neck, loving the way your breath hitches.

"Do you wanna hear the other romantic things I have to say about you?" He asks, mouthing at your collarbone, and you whine when he digs his teeth into your soft skin.

"Y-yeah" you mewl, your body squirming as he squeezes your ass in one hand while he supports himself over you with the other.

His hand travels inside your (his) shirt, touching your skin, caressing it. You bite on your lower lip, eyes fluttering when he reaches your bra covered breasts. Your nipples are already hard and pebbled, and you moan loudly when he pinches them.

"fuck" He groans, your erotic sounds making him leak inside his jeans.

He mouths hotly at the hollow of your neck, and squeezes your boobs harshly, making you cry out again. Fuck, he loves playing with your body like this.

You tangle your fingers inside his hairs, your toes curling at the attention he's giving to your chest.

Heeseung sits up to unbutton your shirt, manhandling your body to take it off of you in a lust driven frenzy. As soon as it’s off of your body, he instantly goes back to squeezing your soft flesh again, watching with dark eyes how your soft skin turns red in his hold.

"Ah-heeseung" you whimper, feeling exposed at how he greedily drinks in your uncovered skin.

He unbuttons your (his) jeans, and slides them off of your legs in one go, discarding them on the floor. He bites his lower lip, his eyes running across your uncovered body, and he can feel how hard and heavy he is inside his jeans. He fights the urge to squeeze his junk when you bite on your finger, doe eyes staring up at him, your body squirming as he gropes you.

You're so naively sexy, your innocence drives him batshit insane.

"I almost jerked off to you while changing your clothes you know? you just looked too fucking sexy to resist" He grunts, his fingers running over your stretch marks. Before you have a chance to feel self conscious about the fact that he's seen your body before, or feel apprehensive about his touch on your stretch marks, he leans down to kiss them. You gasp when he runs his hot tongue over them, kissing and licking like he can't help it. He traces your panty line with the tip of his tongue, hands groping your thighs mercilessly.

He's so close to your pussy, and your face burns.

"H-heeseung" You squeak out, and the boy instantly climbs up your body to come face to face with you, pecking you softly as he hums.

"I-i haven't shaved" you tell him shyly, your ears heating up in embarrassment. But you need to tell him now before he recoils in disgust later.

What you don't expect is the way he chuckles, leaning down to nibble on your cheek while his hand cups your breast again, squeezing and groping.

"you worry about the things that don't even cross my mind baby- he pecks your nose and stares into your eyes- you think I'll care about some hairs when your warm pussy is right there? that I'll be able to think about anything other than sucking and fucking when my dick's about to fall off?"

Your face is so hot you can feel the heat radiating off of you. Though his words are vulgar, and so obscene, they do placate your worries for a bit.

Keyword : a bit.

You're still apprehensive about him being down there. What if you smell bad? and taste even worse?

You gasp when he roughly pulls your boobs out of your bra cups, and takes one in his wet mouth. You tug on his hairs, and moan when he bites your nipple too harshly, the sensation making you arch your back into his mouth.

You don't notice when his hand travels between your legs, but a deep whine falls from your lips when he runs a finger over your panty clad slit.

"you're fucking dripping baby" He groans into your flesh that he still has in his mouth, sucking and biting both of your boobs till they sting.

You try to close your thighs around his hand but he tsks in faux disappointment, and parts them again, trailing his kisses down towards your centre, leaving no portion of your skin unmarked.

He kisses your pussy from above your panties, slurpimg your wetness through the sheer material, burying his nose into your slit.

"fuck baby, taste so good" he groans, rubbing his nose in your wetness, tracing the outline of your pussy with his mouth. You bite your finger, and squirm in his touch, feeling yourself dripping more.

He trails his kisses down to your inner thighs, making you squeal when he digs his teeth into your sensitive flesh. He chuckles into your skin, and does the same to your other thigh. He seems to be enjoying this more than you are. He leaves more bites marks up your leg before burying his face between your legs again, making your thighs close around his head.

The action makes something in him snap, and heeseung sits up on his hunches, stares straight into your eyes while he licks his lips for your juices, and starts sliding your panties down your smooth legs.

“want you in my mouth before we fuck”

Your breath hitches when his heavy lidded eyes snap down to your nakedness, and he closes his eyes to groan.

"shit" He curses, parts your legs open, and dives straight between your legs, not even bothering to take off your panties all the way off as it hangs on your ankle obscenely. He sucks your sensitive clit into his mouth,and you moan so loudly it has you slapping your palm over your own. The overwhelming sensation makes your eyes roll back, only ever feeling your own fingers down there, it's a heady feeling to feel someone else.

You tangle your fingers in his hairs, tugging harshly when he slurps your wetness, parting your pussy open with his fingers,and thrusting his tongue inside your virgin hole,running it all over your vulva like a starved man.

You thrash in his hold, a shiver running down your spine when his nose bumps your clit, and he starts applying pressure, rubbing it back and forth. The obscene squelch that you can hear from between your legs has your face burning, you can't believe how wet you are. You aren't ready for the sudden feeling of his finger sliding inside your pussy, and you scream. Heeseung looks up at you from between your legs, and increases his movement, eyes dark as they watch you lose yourself to pleasure.

"How does that feel? " He asks, voice so deep it makes your pussy throb.

You moan, and nod your head rapidly "s-so good" you whimper when he dives down to suck on your clit again. The combined feeling of his fingers and mouth pushes you closer to your orgasm.

"Yeah baby? Your pussy's so tight, can't wait to get in there, wanna feel good too" He groans, thrusting a second finger inside your warm cavity, and probing inside your gummy walls in come hither motion that makes you mewl.

"So wet" He mumbles, licking into your pussy again. And God do you taste addicting, heeseung can spend the whole day buried in between your legs if you would give him a chance. The way your walls flutter around his fingers has him leaking copious amount of precum in his jeans, and he has never been so turned on before.

"pleasee" You moan, and he's crawling up to you again, his lips capturing yours and you can taste yourself on his tongue. He fucks you with his fingers rapidly, lust filled eyes watching in rapt attention at how your eyes flutter shut, and your body arches into him, so ready to getting lost in pleasure.

He curses under his breath as he watches how you grind your hips on his fingers, trying to chase the pleasure they’re giving you

"yeah? Gonna cum and make a mess baby? " He asks into your mouth, swallowing your moan, and licking the drool escaping your lips.

You nod your head and dig your nails into his neck, holding onto him for your life. Heeseung ruts his hard on against your thigh as he watches you come undone on his fingers alone, moaning his name unintelligibly. Watching you cum is the hottest thing he’s ever seen, he decides.

"Cum on me, make yourself feel good" he sighs, the pleasure filled expression on your face has him close to cumming untouched. You gyrate your hips while his fingers get covered in your juices, drenching his palm as he helps you ride out your orgasm. You sigh out in relief, coming down from your high, your hold loosens on his neck and you squirm while you watch him sucking his fingers, tasting your juices. It's so hot, you don't even realize when you lean in. His lips meet yours and you moan upon tasting your cum, sucking on his tongue like he sucks yours.

"Made you feel so good yeah?" He asks, his voice hoarse in desire, and you nod, pushing yourself into him again. He wraps his arms around your body, and unhooks your bra, finally taking it off of your body, and discarding it somewhere.

"My turn" He grunts.

You rub your thighs together while he unbuckles his belt, ogling your naked body like a pervert. Your eyes widen when he pulls his boxers down unceremoniously, just enough to let his dick flop out.

It's bigger in person,even bigger than you remember while touching him and you whine. There's no way that can fit inside you. His eyes darken as he strokes his cock, fisting it to the sight of your naked body lying so helplessly, ready for the taking. And God does he want to take you.

If you weren't a virgin, he would have been pounding your hole by now, but as much as he's impatient, he wants to make this experience good for you too.

You're sucking on your finger again, your eyes fixed on how he moves his palm up and down his shaft, the real life version makes you drip more than the video he sent did.

Heeseung hovers over your body again, and grabs your hand, pulling out your finger from your mouth. "No hiding your sounds from me, wanna hear you loud and clear while I fuck you stupid" He growls, and you squirm under his gaze.

You yelp when you feel him running his dickhead against your slick pussy, wetting it in your juices for a smooth slide. You dig your nails into his shoulders, staring up at him with your big doe eyes as you utter the words which make Heeseung finally snap.

"p-please don't make it hurt" your voice is the sweetest thing he's ever heard, and God, does he want to hurt you. He wants to roughly push himself inside till there's nothing but tears of pain and pleasure running down your pretty face. He wants to make you scream, and show you how pain only heightens the pleasure.

You're so naive, looking up at him, trusting him, but heeseung is lost in his dark desires and pushes in without a warning. You turn him on so badly. You scream at the way his length bullies itself inside your tight hole, scraping against your walls and your body feels like it's being split in half. Tears blur your vision and you push against his chest, sobbing through the pain that makes you want to run away. It's too much.

"h-hurts please-oh-" his hips push inside and then he's balls deep into you, groaning in satisfaction while you scream again. The feeling of your hymen tearing apart makes you sob uncontrollably, and you try to angle your hips away from him. He doesn’t fit, he’s gonna tear you apart.

Heeseung holds your hips in his bruising grip, and starts moving in and out. He's too damn turned on to think about anything else other than how good your virgin pussy feels around his dick. "Stay still baby, let me feel good" He grunts, pulling out of your hole to the hilt, and then pushing inside again. In and out. In and out. His hot pants fall onto your wet cheeks. Heeseung reaches down to rub on your clit, relishing in the wet warmth of your pussy. It feels more pleasurable for him when you start getting impossibly wet. Soon enough, Your pain filled sobs start to subside, and pleasure filled sobs start to leave your lips instead.

That's when he starts fucking in earnest. Once he hears you moan in pleasure, heeseung lets go of all his inhibitions, and straight up pounds into you.

"Fuck yeah baby, so fucking tight for me" he groans, snapping his hips against you at a rapid pace. His balls smack against your ass every time he pushes in, and the skin slapping sounds make your head throb in pleasure.

You didn't know sex could feel so good. "Heeseung please, oh my god" You moan when his dick rubs against your sweet spot, his hot pants fall on your mouth while he slots his lips against yours in imitation of a kiss

"Yeah? Just like that?" He asks, his own eyes rolling back when you clench around him. So deliciously tight.

The slide inside is so deep and so wet, it makes his hips pick up speed.

"Warm little cunt, waited so long to get inside" he groans, biting on your lower lip, and grinding his pelvis against yours.

The sheer ecstasy running through your veins at the way his cock makes out with your cervix, makes you thrust up your hips against him. You buck into his hold, pressing your body closer, rubbing your chest against his clothed one. It's then that you realize that he's still wearing clothes.

Heeseung curses under his breath when you whine and tug at his shirt.

"You wanna feel me naked baby?" he asks, running his hands over your curves as he pounds into your warm hole. It's too good to stop.

You nod and tug on his shirt again, trying to get closer to him.

"Fuck" Heeseung mutters, and sits back on his hunches, his hips still grind into you while he strips himself off of his clothes. He pulls himself out of you for a split second to discard his jeans and boxers on the floor, then he's thrusting into you again.

"This is so much fucking better" He moans, loving how your naked body arches into his own, rubbing yourself against him so desperately. The delicious friction of your grinding sexes makes you both delirious in pleasure. Heeseung digs his fingers into the fat of your waist, and buries his face inside the crook of your neck, kissing and moaning along it while his thrusts become merciless. You dig your nails into his shoulders, and throw your head back, exposing more skin for him to dig his teeth into. The obscene way your naked bodies buck and thrust against each other to reach pleasure high is a sight to behold. The skin slapping, and wet squelching sounds fill up the space between your heated bodies, and you never want this feeling to stop.

"tight fucking cunt, so good, wanna keep fucking till my dick aches" His filthy words travel deep inside your core, and warmth spreads inside your womb, the knot starting to form in your stomach.

"oh my god" You moan when he slows his hips into a slow grind, hitting all the right spots inside your swollen pussy.

"Yeah? fuck yourself on my dick like a slut, grind your virgin little pussy on my meat" He growls, coming up to capture your lips in his own, groaning into your mouth when you dig your nails painfully inside his flesh, enough to draw blood.

The sweat drips down your bodies, as you rut against each other in pure pleasure. You moan into heeseungs mouth as he languidly licks against your open cavity, sucking on your tongue, and exchanging spit.

The pace of his thrusts fasten, and he pounds you into the couch, fucking into you like his life depends on it. Your words are reduced to mere moans and babbles, your tongue lolling out at how good he feels.

"gonna cum inside this cunt baby, gonna let me fill you up right? flood your insides with my fuck cream?" You nod in a lust filled haze, and heeseung licks the saliva that pools in the corner of your mouth.

" Yeah? Real deep baby? Fuck-so fucking good Jesus" He growls, his spit and sweat falling into your mouth as he starts rutting into you like an animal. He can feel himself getting closer. the knot in your stomach snaps when he presses his palm into your lower stomach to trace his outline. You gasp into his mouth, and your body convulses uncontrollably.

"Fuck yeah, god you're gonna make me cum, god im- his hips grind a few times inside your pussy, and then he's stilling inside of you, the tight clench of your pussy pushing him over the edge, shooting his thick cum inside your womb.

It feels so good that Heeseung keeps moving inside you till you whine and cry out in overstimulation. You're grateful when he listens, and pulls out, but the very next second, he's getting down there and burying his face between your legs again, slurping your combined juices from your pussy. Your toes curl at the feeling, and you can't help but open your mouth when he comes up to slot his cum filled one against yours. It's nasty, but you can't stop licking into him, tasting your mixed release together.

"Fuck, you're nasty" He chuckles, finally turning your body around, and wrapping you into his embrace.

For the first time in your life, you fall asleep nuzzled into a warm and comforting body against you.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Heeseung has always prided himself in the fact that he doesn’t get attached to people easily, doesn’t feel certain emotions until he allows himself to. He’s not a good person, he’s always known this, that’s the reason why he has always kept himself at a distance.

Watching. Observing.

Nothing in his life is unpredictable, heeseung works according to the plan, always predicting and preparing himself for situations that can happen. That’s just how he operates.

Watching. Observing. Executing.

You, however, caught him off guard. Heeseung was never ready for you to barge in his life the way that you did.

You think you know him from third semester but heeseung knows you from way before that. The first time he’d seen you was on the very first day of college, waiting right outside the registrar office, chewing on your bottom lip nervously as you stepped aside for people to pass.

There was something about you that stuck with Heeseung. He couldn't figure out what it was no matter how much he thought about it but you soon became a constant itch at the back of his mind.

It wasn't like you were strikingly pretty. Heeseung had been surrounded by beautiful women all his life. Almost desensitized to extravagant beauty. It all seemed vague to him.

You were not extraordinarily pretty, no.

But you were enchanting. it was the type of pretty that stuck with you, that stayed with you, the type of pretty that might not capture your attention in the first glance but the second or third glance might have you hooked; the type of pretty that was made up of hesitant smiles and solemn gazes and fidgeting hands.

Heeseung watched you from afar for a long time, observing, learning. That was until he saw an opportunity to be in the same lecture as you. That’s when he started executing.

And then you made him fail. At his own game.

Heeseung’s sickness identified and craved yours, rendering him powerless when he realized that maybe,you were even sicker than him, a thousand times more depraved. You just didn’t know it yet.

He didn’t realize when you became the very thing he breathes, carving yourself a home inside the darkest parts of his heart.

Ever since he fucked you into your sheets, his craving for you has increased tenfold. He is way past pretending that you are some stupid bet, or a mere name on the list. Seeing you vulnerable, and yet so strong , made something shift in him. He's always been sick in desire for you, but over the past few months, you have managed to infiltrate your way inside his brain.

"How's the mission " Cherries to pop" going for you man?" Jake's voice interrupts his thoughts, and he doesn't have to think twice about his answer, eyes fixated on your slumped figure as he replies

"Take her off the list, I won"

Numerous gasps are heard around him, sunghoon laughs in shock, eyes meeting Jake's in disbelief "you can't be serious, was she any good? " He asks, nervousness creeping in his voice, because heeseung does look serious.

Heeseung turns his eyes towards sunghoon, face void of any recognizable emotion

"the bet's over. I don't want to talk about it, but if I see any of you fuckers around her after this, it's going to get bloody " He warns, sweeping his eyes over the shocked faces of the boys around him. And with that, you are taken off the list forever.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

You hear the whispers, you aren't deaf, but something inside you disassociated when you woke up in the evening after losing your virginity. Cold and alone.

Heeseung had cleaned your body and clothed it before he left, but not having him near stung more than you ever thought it would. It was to be expected tho, wasn’t it? He got what he wanted, there was no reason to stay.

"can't believe heeseung really did it"

"Man, she doesn't look like she must have been a good fuck"

"A win is a win"

You don't dare look up the entire day, ignoring all the folded papers that fall beside your leg. Curiosity doesn't get the better of you, and you don't pick them up to read what's inside. It just doesn't seem to matter anymore. All this buzz will die down in a week, and you will finally resort back to the dark corners, and shadows where people will no longer look at you, just past you.

You don't dread the reality of your situation anymore, a small sigh leaving your lips as you gather your stuff, and walk past the inquisitive stares.

Settling down at the farthest seat in the cafeteria gives you a sense of relief. This seat has been your safe space through all ups and down. The only constant in the chaos of your existence.

You're busy swirling your food around the plate when a sudden quiet falls over the cafeteria. All the chitter chatter and noise dies down. It's almost eerie. Eerie enough to finally make you look up to see what's wrong. Your eyes turn towards the entrance as you follow everyone's collective gaze, and what you see makes your heart plummet in your stomach.

It's Jay. But he's wearing a cap, his head slumped down as he makes his way towards his seat with an obvious limp, but it doesn't hide the black and blue wound blossoming around his left eye, several deep cuts on his lower lip, and scratches on his cheek. The high neck he's wearing sticks out like a sore thumb in mid July, and you wonder if there's more that he's trying to hide. You don't have to worry about facing him, looks like he's not going to be looking up anytime soon.

Realization sets inside your throat like a lump, and you instinctively snap your gaze towards heeseung's table. His eyes are already on you when you find him. They're dark, and tender, if that's even possible. You feel like you're drowning in them. Your throat feels full, and your eyes burn the more that you look at him, and you can't help but follow your instinct to get out of here as soon as possible. It's too much. This sudden influx of emotion is too much for you.

Murmurs follow your leave, but you don't stay behind to hear or care. Your steps are heavy and purposeful as you stride forward, away from everyone and everything. This feels like a fever dream. Why the fuck would Heeseung do that? Scratch that, how the fuck did he even find out?

But you know exactly how he found out. The location that you shared. It isn’t rocket science to figure out who lives nearby. Of course he knows. What confuses you is the fact that he cared enough to look it up and avenge you in his own sick way.Why does he even care?

You can feel a breakdown coming, and so without wasting time, you rush home in a frenzy. By the time you reach your threshold, your throat hurts, the tonsils burning in pain. Your body is begging for you to let it out, but you're a slave to your habits. Holding everything inside until it chokes your airway.

You're tapping your leg frantically as you stir a spoon haphazardly in your coffee cup, swallowing down copious amounts of caffeine to push back the inevitable. You hate breakdowns, hate feeling so out of control and vulnerable. It shatters your facade, makes you come face to face with the pretty lies that you tell yourself.

"It's going to be fine, you're fine"

But are you?

A loud honking in your front yard makes you drop your cup, spilling all of its contents on your shoes, jumping back as you get startled out of your mind.

Who the fuck?

You step over the mess and make your way to your front door, watching in disbelief as Heeseung's car idles in front of you. He's looking right at you from his window, and you wonder what is it about his eyes. There's something about his eyes and the way he looks at you. It makes you feel naked. Body and soul. It seems like he looks right through you, and you don't know if you like that.

Your feet move on their own and he doesn’t even have to say anything. In no time, you find yourself sitting inside his car, your back against the expensive leather seats, while you play with the stray threads of your blouse.

"What do you want now?" you ask, deciding to break the silence. It's only fair to stop beating around the bush and get this over with. Whatever this is.

"You" He answers almost immediately, making you scoff. You don't look at him but you can feel his gaze burning into you.

"I'm not a virgin anymore Heeseung, you won, there’s nothing more that I can offer you" Your voice feels scratchy against your throat, and you wonder if it's because of the tears you keep pushing back.

There's a heavy pause of silence, and then you hear him chuckle, almost in pity and contempt.

"You don't get it do you?" He asks, voice laced with disbelief.

When you don't look up, and don't respond, he laughs hollowly.

"Ask me why I did that" He says, his tone a tad bit deeper now. It's a demand. "Ask me why I smashed pretty boy's face in"

You swallow the lump in your throat, and close your eyes. Not now please.

"Why" you whisper ask, almost inaudible if it wasn't for the pin drop silence in the car.

"because it gave me a sick satisfaction to see him in pain. I'm not sorry about how your old man ended up either. If I could, I would shoot both of their skulls open for putting their hands on you"

The anger and pure hatred in his voice makes a sob to rip through your chest, eyes finally snapping up to meet his. They're dark in anger, and disdain, and you wonder why he cares so much. You look over to his wounded knuckles which are turning white due to how tightly he’s gripping onto the steering wheel. The sight of his anger mirroring your own ignites a spark of recognition deep within you. The raw intensity of emotion emanating from Heeseung stirs something inside your vacant soul. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, you feel seen. Validated. All this time, you had told yourself that you got what you deserve. You were fundamentally flawed, and all of this pain was your own fault.You never allowed yourself to be angry, burying the rage beneath your stoic facade, but seeing Heeseung angry for you makes your own walls crumble one by one.

"I want to cut open anyone who's ever hurt you baby, I want to be the only one who gets to hurt you" He declares.

You gape at him while tears run down the slope of your cheeks

"that's-that's not normal" you whisper, but his expressions don't crack, eyes wide and pupils dilated. In this moment, he looks insane, and it scares you how much you want to get lost in him.

"You don't need normal" he replies.

His words hit heavy and get stuck inside your throat. You look away and wipe your tears, swallowing another bout of sobs threatening to escape your chest. The walls are cracking, the sound of them breaking and destructing can be heard as you let his words sink in.

"Quit your part time job and let me take care of you. Your every need, I'll satisfy it. You won't even have to ask me for it and it will be done" He says, leaning forward, as if trying to make you see the reason in what he's saying.

You shake your head, eyes brimming with anger and tears as you stare right into his own.

"I don't need you to take care of me. I've always done it myself and I have managed to do it just fine, I don’t need you" you seethe, feeling rage at his implication that you can't hold your own.

His expressions soften as he runs his eyes over your angry tears, his hand coming up to wipe them with his thumb. It’s pathetic how this small caress makes you lean into his touch.

"No you don't. But I need you. I need to take care of you. I won’t be able to live with myself if I don't" He confesses.

More tears run down your cheeks as sobs rip through your chest, and he continues to caress your face.

"Is this a declaration of love?" you grouch through your physical grief, watching how his eyes gaze into yours, as if he wasn't expecting you to ask him that.

"Does it have to be? I promise to keep you happy and protect you from all harm, should that not be enough?"

You stare into his orbs and your heart skips a beat at the raw vulnerability you find there. He's just as scared as you, if not more. Turns out, you aren't the only one who is bad at confronting feelings.

You crawl your way onto his lap, and he instantly wraps his arms around you, like you belong there. You take his hand into your own and press tender kisses onto his knuckles, and he watches you do it. Then you look up, and smile. That smile seems to be his undoing. Heeseung instantly leans down to kiss you fervently. You tangle your fingers in his hairs, kissing back just as deeply, and he groans into the kiss. The collision of your mouths is desperate, as if trying to convey all that's left unsaid.

"It's enough" You mumble into his mouth, and he swallows your words greedily.

#enhypen smut #enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen hard hours #enhypen hard headcanons #enhypen #heeseung smut #lee heesung x reader #lee heeseung smut #lee heeseung #heeseung x reader #heeseung angst #enhypen angst #jay x reader #park jongseong

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hoonharem · 28 days

Text

recs

📓 all sunghoon, 18+.

tags: smut, fave (★), audio

—

🪧 will update this list from time to time.

❕ all are smut and sunghoon x reader (afab).

🔍 full warnings on original posts; read at your own risk.

—

📓 no to minimal plot

» we can’t be friends ★ (421, ex bf!hoon)

» guilty as charged (486, somnophilia)

» now he knows (943, jealous!hoon)

» good guys could never (1.3k, brother’s friend!hoon)

» bratty baby (1.4k, tamer!hoon)

» fuck me like a slut (1.4k, bf!hoon)

» only you (1.6k, jealous!reader)

» you get me so high all the time (1.6k, smoking)

» what are friends for? (1.8k, bff!hoon)

» dangerously (1.8k, bf!hoon, angry sex)

» agora hills (1.9k, idol bf!hoon, somnophilia)

» missed you (1.9k, sub!hoon)

» bestfriend's older brother (1.9k, bff!taesan)

» sample session (2.1k, doctors)

» pretty boy in glasses, please save me ★ (2.2k, idol!hoon)

» carnal (2.3k, stepcest, dubcon)

» fuck boy next door (2.7k, tutor!hoon) 1/2

» fuck boy next door (3.3k, tutor!hoon) 2/2

» mine (2.4k, jealous!hoon, ex bf!jake)

» into it (2.6k, frat boy!hoon, fwb)

» all of you (2.7k, bf!hoon)

» subscriber benefits (2.8k, camboy!hoon)

» vacation (2.9k, bf!hoon)

» the lion and the lamb (3k, vampire!hoon)

» pent up (3.2k, idol!hoon, threesome with hee) 1/2

» first and last (3.4k, past love)

» tease (3.5k, possessive!hoon)

» six feet under (3.5k, cheating!hoon)

» okay (3.6k, fwb!hoon, hurt/comfort)

» drawn to you ★ (3.7k, cheating!hoon)

» always and forever (4k, makeup sex)

» cabin fever (4k, bf!hoon)

» conceal (4k, popular!hoon)

» look closely (4k, jealous!hoon)

» car sex (4.3k, street racer!hoon)

» picturesque (4.6k, bf!hoon)

» hard (4.9k, neighbor!hoon, threesome with jay) 1/3

» sweat (5k, neighbor!hoon) 2/3

» mark me yours (5k, idol!hoon, jealousy)

» scream (5k, bf!hoon, horror movie reference) 2/2

» liar, sweetheart (5.1k, twins!hoon, rivals to lovers)

» own little porn star (5.1k, professor!hoon)

» cool with you (5.6k, pervert!hoon)

» little bit of affection (5.7k, manager!hoon)

» bed (7.8k, fiance!hoon)

📓 with plot

» teach me, please (5.3k, student!hoon) 1/1

» teach me, please (5.1k, student!hoon) 2/2

» are you? (5.7k, bf!hee, reader cheats with hoon) 1/1

» are you mine? (2.5k, ex bf!hee, cheating with hoon) 2/2

» blessed cursed (6.6k, demons, threesome with hee)

» say my name ★ (6.9k, neighbour!hoon, enemies to lovers)

» meddle about ★ (9k, fwb!hoon, threesome with hee) 1/2

» meddle about (with me) ★ (11.9k, fwb!hoon, ex bf!hee) 2/2

» first date etiquette ★ (9.3k, neighbor!hoon)

» forbidden attraction (9.3k, ravenclaw!hoon)

» cross the line (10k, a/b/o, threesome with hee)

» cherry pits (12.9k, dilf!hoon)

» get you better (13.6k, bf!jake, reader cheats with hoon)

» release me, embrace me ★ (15k, a/b/o, bff!mingyu)

» pink whitney ★ (19k, brother's friend)

» one of the damned girls (20.4k, vampire!hoon)

» i’ll love you forever ★ (21.8k, bff!hoon, fake dating)

» gods and monsters ★ (23k, stepcest, love triangle) 1/3

» heaven and back ★ (24k, stepcest, love triangle) 2.1/3

» serial sweetheart ★ (23.6k, bf!hoon, reader cheats with jake)

» the boy next door trope ★ (26.5k, shy, figure skater!hoon)

» deep end (36.6k, summer fling)

📓 hard thoughts, drabbles, etc.

» 24/7 thinking about you

» dirty girl (phone sex)

» tired!sunghoon

» sweet bf!sunghoon

» ceo!sunghoon

» husband!sunghoon ★

» pussy drunk!sunghoon

» ravenclaw!sunghoon

» ovulating!reader

» cheating!reader

» high sex drive!reader

» favorite places to lick

— 📔 hyung line

» shared girlfriend (1.6k, gangbang, bf!hee)

» first time blowjob

» favorite positions

» member guessing by having sex

—

❕ I’ll do part 2 once the post reaches 100 links.

#sunghoon smut #enhypen #sunghoon #enhypen smut #enhypen sunghoon #park sunghoon #heeseung smut #jake smut #jay smut

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wtfsteveharrington · 13 days

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- stranger things masterlist -

18+ minors dni | please check content warnings

✨ - smut | ♡ - fluff | 🥀 - angst

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

DUOS

steve harrington x robin buckley - fem!reader

you’re dating steve & you think robin’s hot. literally almost 23k words of smut and banter.

✨ tequila & strawberry lipgloss | part one

✨ coffee & mint chapstick | part two

✨ chai & hot pink lipstick | part three

✨ vodka & watermelon chapstick | part four

INDIVIDUAL

steve harrington | blurbs | fic recs

♡ grocery shopping - gn!reader

a lil domestic piece about boyfriend steve following you around the store & doing his best

✨put away my pride - gn!reader

roommate!steve. you find him late one night & steve offers to help take care of your frustrations.

✨ sorry to interrupt - fem!reader

set during s4 where steve sleeps next to you instead of in the basement & escalates from there

✨ what i’m waiting for - fem!reader

period sex!! written lower case & bullet point style.

eddie munson | blurbs |fic recs

✨ & ♡ something i don’t know - gn!reader

eddie’s hand is around your neck and you can’t help your reaction, much to his entertainment

♡ dungeon master - fem!reader

blurb about eddie’s greatest campaign but it literally warms my heart and i wanna share it

robin buckley | blurbs |fic recs

coming soon

chief hopper

✨ come by the station - fem!reader

you surprise your boyfriend at work by pretending you need to file a police report. needless to say it escalates from there.

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epicbuddieficrecs · 12 days

Text

Fic rec for my BFF, pt.2 : Seasons 4-5

Here's the next part of my "fic rec for my BFF who's watching 9-1-1" series, covering seasons 4 and 5!

Season 4

To Build a Home We Deconstruct Our Rituals by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Post-S4, Marriage of convenience | 44K | Explicit

After the shooting, Eddie realizes he needs to put some things in place. Like who will get his assets if he dies. Who will speak for him if he ends up in a coma. What might happen if his family contests Buck's guardianship. Luckily, he's got a simple easy-peasy solution that won't result in insanity, catastrophe, or heartbreak: Marry Buck.

Eddie: Let's get married! In a platonic way! 😆

it's blue (the feeling i got) series by lecornergirl/ @clusterbuck

Post-Shooting | 4 works, Complete | 37K

don't want no other shade of blue but you (Post-S4E14 | 11K | Teen): “You can’t go see your son like this.” That gives Buck pause. “He’s not—he’s not my son.” “Isn’t he, though?” she says. And part of Buck wants to argue, but a bigger part of him thinks, isn’t he, though? Not by blood, sure, or legally, but in all the ways that matter, Christopher is as good as his son. if your cascade ocean-wave blues come (Post-S4, Getting Together | 16K | Mature): “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” Ana sounds disappointed, but not all too surprised.“Yeah,” Eddie says. “Sorry.” “It’s because of Buck,” she says, barely a question. “Isn’t it?” “Um,” Eddie says, because he doesn’t really know how to answer that when Buck is flipping pancakes at the stove three feet away from him. in my eyes, my heart, my soul (Fluff | 2K | General): “We made you pancakes for Father’s Day,” Christopher says. Eddie watches the expressions that cross Buck’s face. Surprise, confusion, then a careful kind of joy like he’s beginning to put together exactly what Christopher means. “For—for me?” Buck asks, so quiet Eddie barely hears it. “Yeah,” Christopher says. “I want you to be my other dad. If… if you want to be.” the blues, and then purple-pink skies (Established Buddie, Secret Relationship | 8K | Teen): OR: three times Buck and Eddie (think they) manage to hide their relationship, and one time the truth comes out.

Stucky has Post-Winter Soldier recovery fics, Steddie has post-Upside Down recovery fics, and Buddie has Post-Shooting-Buck-moves-in-with-the-Diazes fic! 😆

this must be the place by euadnes/ @kananjarus

Canon Divergent, Post-Shooting | 75K | Teen

Every life altering event is often led up to with a series of other important events. In this case, there were at least three: An unstoppable fire. An afternoon spent underneath a blanket of California blue sky. But firstly, and maybe the most important of all: There was the impeccable aiming of an ex-sharpshooter. Or, the Buck is also shot by the sniper AU that no one asked for.

Benign Fatality by EtoileGarden/ @etoilegarden

Time Loop AU, Season 2-4 | 23K | Teen

Eddie noticed it like this; Sometimes, when Buck’s done a day too many times, he forgets that this day might be the real day, the one that continues on into the rest of his life. It’s exhausting dying and waking up just to go die again. And the thing was, when a death was to do with work, he knew he could just ask to be man behind, or not go into work, but - but who would he be condemning to die in his place if he didn’t go in and try to avoid it? Maybe no one, yes, but maybe someone. Buck repeats days until he doesn't die in them, has an underdeveloped sense of self worth, and Eddie is the one who wants to step in with him.

Amazing fic, such an interesting concept!!

i don't swim and you're not in love by hattalove/ @hattalove

S4, Post-Buck Begins | 32K | Teen

She turns to Eddie and says something else, but Buck is busy fighting the headrush he gets at the sound of Ana Flores calling Eddie and Christopher 'the boys'. Like they belong to her already. God, what’s wrong with him? What is this? or, eddie cooks, chris domesticates a slug, and buck tries to figure out why he hates his best friend's girlfriend. to everyone's immense shock and surprise, it goes badly.

A Classic by the always amazing hattalove!!

everything (nothing) has changed by bizarrestars

Post-S4, Love Confessions | 48K | Explicit

Buck breathes for a moment, then sets his shoulders. "Eddie, there's something I have to tell you." "Do you?" Eddie asks flatly, still alarmed and doing his best to hide it. "I would've never guessed." Buck swallows. "Eddie, I love you." "Are you softening the blow, or buttering me up? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm still very worried regardless," Eddie tells him. "No, you don't understand. I love you. I'm currently in love with you," Buck says as evenly as possible, and even then, his voice wobbles precariously there for a moment. He exhales. "You don't have to worry about it, though, because I've processed it and decided to—to find relief in telling you before moving on and moving forward." Eddie stares at him. No response at all. Well, at least he's not freaking out. Or: After Eddie gets shot, Buck confesses his love. From there, things get a little out of hand.

Literally only just read it but the idiocy in this is CHEF'S KISS 😘👌 (#eddie said: get over me??? youre gonnna get over ME??? dont think so, <- love this tag 😂)

Those Two Firefighters by DarkFairytale

S4 to S6, Social Media/Outsider POV | 64K | Teen

#thosetwofirefighters starts to gather a following on social media, as everyone tries to figure out if those two cute firefighters from the 118 in LA are a thing or not.

Just a fun crack-y "social media" fic with some outsider POV mixed in (plus some 911LS!)!

Stuck on Fast Forward (Throw Away the Blueprint) by extasiswings/ @extasiswings

Post-S5, Friends with Benefits | 42K | Explicit

“Sounds like the problem is you think casual sex with a stranger or finding someone new to date are your only options.” Eddie’s brow furrows. “Aren’t they?” “I mean, there’s always…someone you already know. Who you’re already comfortable with.” “Because my pool of male friends who are single and who would be interested in having sex with me has so many options?” “Well, I don’t know about many, but you only need one,” Buck points out. “And who would that be?” “Me, of course.” [Or: Frank gives Eddie therapy homework, Eddie misunderstands the assignment, and Buck is just a really supportive friend...right?]

Have some more FWB, as a treat 😌

Season 5

The Aftermath of Liberation and Love Confessions by ElvenSorceress/ @elvensorceress

Post S5E9: Past is Prologue, Coming Out, Getting Together | 17K | Teen

After a very long year of one terrible thing after another, Eddie has a brand new life strategy. It’s called not giving a shit. There’s the fire of a challenge in Buck’s eyes and a clench in the set of his jaw, and come on, it’s not as if Eddie forced Buck into dating the reporter. Not like he pays it any mind whatsoever. It was doomed from the start. She’s not good enough for him. She’s a terrible fit for him. Buck’s clearly been miserable for months. Still, Buck says, “Yeah, Eddie. Why don’t you teach us. What would you say if you were professing your love?” You mean something besides, “In the event of my untimely death, I made you legal guardian of my child”? In which Eddie comes out, sexuality is complicated but coffee is not, Buck makes an excessive salad and is also roasted, everyone has a love confession, and December is the most dramatic time of year.

Eddie not giving a shit is A Mood 👌 worth reading just for the scene from the summary 😆

Courtship Behaviors of the Southern Coastal Husbro by Mad_Lori/ @madlori

Post-S5, Queer Platonic Relationship, Getting Together | 49K | Explicit

“I want you in my family, I want us to be a family. Officially. A family can be a guy, his son, and his best friend, right?” Buck’s lower lip was trembling. “You’re really asking me to be your…what, now?” “Frank called it ‘platonic life partners.’” Buck looked stunned, and also…hopeful. “We could really do that?” - Buck and Eddie decide to become platonic domestic partners and co-parents. They are 100% super normal about it and absolutely nothing is awakened in them, except a mutual annoyance at being referred to as "husbros."

Love love love this series!!!

everything's coming up milhouse by hammersmiths/ @bucktommys

Post S5E10: Wrapped In Red, LAFD Liaison Eddie | 10K | Teen

LAFD Updates (@L*A*F*D_Metro) LAFD Alert: Red-level traffic on Gardiner Road this morning. If you are trying to get into the city centre consider taking Westerley Lane. buck 🔥🔥 (@firebuck) so true bestie or, Eddie mans the LAFD Twitter account. Buck tries to be supportive.

THE Twitter Eddie fic <3 just a funny social media fic but it's real cute!

let's hear it for the boy by hattalove/ @hattalove

Post-Season 5, Eddie Coming Out | 56K | Teen

in which eddie attends a self-empowerment group for gbtq men to supplement his therapy, and is empowered to: forgive himself, say "i'm gay" to his own reflection in the mirror, accidentally adopt an adult, make fried rice, and tell his straight best friend that he's in love with him. not necessarily in that order.

Such an amazing Eddie character study/coming out fic, so good <3

The Best Lie is a Truth (My Best Mask is My Face) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Post-S5, Fake Relationship | 43K | Explicit

The Buckleys are celebrating their 50th Anniversary, and Maddie and Buck are both expected to come. To take the heat off Maddie, Buck impulsively blurts out that he's seeing someone new. Obviously, there's only one solution: bring Eddie as his fake boyfriend, pretend to be in love with him, and survive the weekend with minimal bloodshed. No problem, except for the, uh. "Pretend" part. Oops.

Excellent fake relationship fic!! it's got it all! Pining! Practice kissing! There was only one bed!!

Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania/ @hmslusitania

Post-S5, Missing Presumed Dead, Amnesia | 44K | Mature

“We’re here for our grandson,” Helena says. “Chris is still sleeping,” Buck says. “I meant, we’re here to take him back to Texas,” Helena clarifies. “Yeah,” Buck says. He’s too tired, way too tired to be tactful. “Over my dead body.” An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is... missing presumed. While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home.

The angst is SO GOOD!!!! A re-read favorite.

Plus or Minus by ElvenSorceress/ @elvensorceress

S5 | 10K | General

"Chris said you were crying. You came home, hugged him, and cried more than he’s ever seen.” Eddie considers for a moment but then shrugs and continues neatly stacking mugs in the cupboard. “It happens. Sometimes. I’ve been told I’m supposed to let it out instead of bottle it up. So. There you go.” “Why are you cleaning out the kitchen? Why is my stuff in boxes?” Eddie slows, then stops. “Figured you’d want it back.” It’s quieter. Pained. When he says it. “I haven’t decided anything. So unless you’re kicking me out—” “Buck. Come on.” He’s not angry or snapping. It’s still quiet, and somehow that hurts even more. He’s resigned and defeated, and Buck is a scooped out, gutted, hollow shell. “I know how this ends the same way you do. You want to be loved, you want to be married. You’re going to leave. Might as well…” His voice cracks before he can finish and get it under control. “Shouldn’t drag it out.” ~ Taylor is offered a job across the country and asks Buck to go with her. Buck has to figure out if he wants to start over or if he has a reason to stay right where he is.

The notes on my bookmark are: pining so good it gives you chest pains 🥺

Canon Divergent/AUs

Even in Winter There is Eranthis by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Inspired by Hades&Persephone, Mythological AU | 45K | Explicit

Buck is supposedly a god. Supposedly. But he's got no idea what his domain is or what role he plays in Olympus. When he meets Christopher, a young boy lost and trying to find his father, he helps Chris get home - and ends up accidentally binding himself to the Underworld. Now bound to Eddie, the god of the dead, Buck must spend half the year with him in the Underworld while winter reigns above. But even as something grows between them, there are still trials to endure. Just because the gods are not mortal... does not mean they cannot die.

my words are paper tigers by hattalove/ @hattalove

Time Loop, Canon Divergent | 20K | Teen

He wakes up with Eddie's arm thrown over his waist. There's a pit in his stomach as soon as he opens his eyes, because the alarm is on again, the same radio station, the same song. The sunlight streaming into the room is buttery-soft, brand new because it's early. The alarm is ringing so they can take Chris to school. And— He reaches out for the bedside table on his side of the bed they share, clumsily unplugs his phone one-handed. The screen lights up to a familiar wallpaper, and it's right there, just above the top of Buck's head: Wednesday. or: buck breaks up with eddie, even if it means losing a part of himself, because it's the right thing to do. the universe decides to test that conviction.

I fucking love time loop fics!!! 👌

Hot Ghost Problems by ebjameston/ @ebjameston

Canon Divergent, S2, Ghost Buck, Witch Eddie | 41K | Teen

Eddie is the newest firefighter at the 118. Buck is the ghost haunting the 118. Unfortunately for both of them, Eddie's also a witch and needs to put Buck's spirit to rest, because that's what witches do. Turns out, Buck's spirit? Super not interested in being put to rest. Very interested, however, in flirting with Firefighter Diaz, who is just trying to survive his candidate year. (Also turns out, Buck? Super not dead.)

I know you love witchy vibes and I really enjoyed this one! There's also a great podfic if you like that.

#favorites #epic buddie fic rec #buddie fanfiction #buddie fic rec #buddie fanfic #buddie fanart #buddie fic

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anna-scribbles · 1 year

Note

hey anna! the wait for kwami’s choice part 2 truly is abysmal and it’s so hard to navigate through the tag with all the leaks about, do you have any fic recs to tide us over until gloob puts us out of our misery?

not only do I have fic recs, I also have way too much to do rn and therefore will spend an inordinate amount of time crafting a detailed rec list for you 😘 (we can also just consider this my 2022 ao3 wrapped lol)

goes without saying perhaps, but ANYTHING by @peachcitt is gold and also uniquely devastating, some of my particular favorites being:

metamorphosis - 97k, enemies, sleepovers, you get it. i'm normal

those benevolent stars - 23k, ladrien thief/prince/soulmates au. what more do I even need to say

chat noir's white french man hit list for feminist purposes - 7k, hilarious and devastating, this fic is a child to me

double dare - 32k, ladrien, absolutely everything. cemented my friendship w/ peach bc I had to scream at her everyday abt it

I thought the plane was going down - 11k, attuned to my tastes specifically, adrinette having a History while on airplanes

@carpisuns also puts out banger after banger like it's her dayjob, specializing in understanding the ridiculous nature of the lovesquare to such a degree and also being the funniest person alive. some of my faves from her are:

tell me something I don't know - 120k, the marichat fic EVER, mar's dissertation on lovesquare and guess what she's right

pink - 14k wip, adrien loves marinette, SOFT

two idiots and a hamster (collab with @botherkupo) - 24k, adrinette roommates, makes me cry laugh

@picayunearts is a goddess on earth. she bends word and image flawlessly to her will. recently she has enraptured me with

final girl - 41k, marichat, au where marinette succeeds in giving up her miraculous to alya in origins. INCREDIBLE marinette character study

@rosekasa invented ladynoir and i'm not afraid to say it. check out everything on her ao3 but just note the following

when things were good - 15k wip, breakup fic/post hawkmoth takedown, has been ruining me in a SPECIAL way

new marinette 12k, post-guardianship memory loss marinette, a classic

like poles of a magnet - 12k, enemies au, hurts my feelings

ya'aburnee - 13k, ladynoir, HURTS ME VERY MUCH. I'VE NOT RECOVERED

@buggachat's fics always feel like i'm attending a course on adrien and marinette's true characterizations explained to me by someone with a PhD in lovesquare and I walk away enlightened. she has an incredible gift for storytelling and just Getting It. anyway read

maintaining a professional distance - 43k, ladynoir hotel room shenanigans, god-tier characterization

when you're near 10k, ladynoir dating but adrinette have never met, a classic

@sha-nwa should honestly quit her career and write lovesquare fanfiction for me full time. proof:

the way I loved you - 68k, marichat break up fic, will be cemented into my mind forever

photograph - 1k, sweet adrinette, abby loves making me cry

things WOULD be amiss if I did not mention @officialratprince (carolinaa on ao3) bc their fics derailed my homework schedule on several occasions last semester, though I'll be honest that their fics are not for the faint of heart or those who wish adrien agreste to have a good time. my faves are

I will take it / it can't go wrong series - 3 fics at 16k, 25k, and 39k, adrien's journey through experiencing child abuse and his friends being there for him, culminating in gabriel's court trial

home sick - 14k wip, adrien gets pneumonia and Everything Is Really Bad

other various fics I love for various reasons:

how hawkmoth got his groove back series by @agrestenoir - 2 fics at 3k and 1k, one of my favorite crack fics i read last year. had me crying laughing

1 step forward, 3 steps back by agnes writes - 10k, breaks my heart every time I read it. also makes me legitimately angry at adrien while still keeping him in character which is a feat in and of itself

the last day on earth by reiaji - 10k, chat blanc keeps happening as marinette gets older, I am incapable of not recommending this fic

okay now go forth and don't do your work<3

#such a struggle for me to hold back and not just list every single one of everyone's fics.#looking at this list I realiize that I in fact read a lot of fanfiction #I cant even find it within myself to feel cringe about it bc these are all legitimately so GOOD #ml #miraculous ladybug #ml fic rec #mlb fic rec #anna rambles #asks

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sorryimananti-romantic · 1 year

Text

Eternal Sunshine

hongjoong x reader

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind au except i tweaked... a lot

genre and warnings: fluff, angst, suggestive, cursing, violence warning

word count: 23k

synopsis: you and hongjoong meet on the train and instantly connect, going from friends to more. however, you're both plagued by a past that you do not remember, and when you both start to dig into it, you realise that your pasts may be connected and the situation might be graver than you thought.

Your plan to sleep the entire train ride that was about to be 6 hours, travelling from one corner of Wonderland to the other, was failing miserably.

Firstly, it was daytime. Your sleep schedule might be staying up late at night and sleeping for most part of the day but for some reason, it was a hit and miss whenever you were travelling. That meant that if you dozed off the second a journey would start, you would stay asleep for almost the whole part of it. But if you didn’t fall asleep as soon as it started, you would have trouble trying to sleep. And trouble looked like resting your head against the window or any closest surface with eyes shut but brain wide awake.

You could hear the kid whining about not bringing enough snacks for the journey all the way from the end of the cabin. You were sure he wasn’t very loud but you still wanted to go and say something to shut him up. You could also hear the old couple in the back talk about their kids. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but they weren’t being quiet so it wasn’t entirely your fault. You could also hear the constant thrum of the train whooshing on its track, and if you opened your eyes and looked outside, you would see the buildings as a blur.

The only good part about this whole journey was that most of the seats were empty which meant you had quite some space for yourself. Your front seats were empty so you were resting your feet on them. Your arms were folded and your overcoat was keeping you warm. Your pastel pink muffler was bundled in your lap. The coffee you had brought from home had long gone cold in the tumbler. You sighed to yourself- not the best start to the day, but once you would reach Sector 1, you might feel better.

You had no idea how long it had passed when you were woken by a tap to your shoulder- woken from your almost-falling-asleep stage. It made you jerk before you blinked to see who dared disturb.

“I’m sorry, is this yours?” the man asked, your huge black headphones with cat paws on its ears in his hand.

“Ah, must have rolled off from my… bag,” you grimaced at the sight of your tote bag upside down on the floor, a few things having rolled out that the man was already placing on the table with a faint smile. “Sorry for the trouble.”

“It’s alright. I was dozing myself there-” he pointed at the seats next to you at the other corner, “when something bumped my feet.”

“Gosh, I’m a mess,” you finished placing everything in your bag, zipping the bag as you pointedly looked at the man who laughed. You took a second to scan him- he had quite memorable features and appearance. Half bleached hair, glasses that were probably an accessory, pointed features but warmth radiating from his rather cute smile. “Sorry to wake you up, Cruella.”

“I get that a lot,” he grinned, extending his hand. “I’m Hongjoong.”

“Y/n,” you shook his hand, and he pointed to the seat in front of you and you nodded to tell him he was welcome to sit and chat. “Where are you travelling to?”

“Sector 1. You?”

“Same place. You live there?”

“Yep. I was staying a few months at my friend's house in Sector 8, for work.”

“That’s crazy because same,” you laughed. “Glad to be going back home though.”

“Yep,” he nodded. “You look familiar for some reason. Might have come across you either there or back home.”

“You look familiar too, for some strange reason, but I’m sure I would have remembered you,” you pointed at his hair. “I kind of love it.”

“Ah, really?” He touched his hair, laughing nervously and you thought it was cute. “I tend to try different things.”

“I’ve had the same hair since I was born,” you rolled your eyes. “I might go ahead and do something funky one of these days too. And then I would call you my muse.”

“That’d be cool,” he grinned. “So what do you do for work?”

You offered him a chocolate from your bag, taking one for yourself and looking outside- it was almost evening. The train would be taking a break at Sector 4 soon and you wanted to get something warm. “I’m a literary editor for a company. You?”

“Music producer,” he told you and you wowed at that. “It’s not as great as it sounds. When it’s a hobby, it’s all fun and games, but when it becomes work, it can give you a hard time.”

“I relate to that. I used to be a writer until it became too much and I stopped,” you said and he raised a brow but didn’t probe further. He could tell there was a story behind it. “It’s fun when you do something you like for work, even though sometimes it could give you a hard time.”

“That’s true. I noticed your headphones though, and I couldn’t help but wonder if you’re interested in music?”

You couldn’t tell why you could connect to Hongjoong instantly but there was just something about the way he talked that kept you engaged, listening to his every word and then answering more than you would have with any other random stranger. You weren’t one to talk to strangers in the first place- but something about him was so utterly genuine that you found yourself chatting with him for half an hour until you stopped at Sector 4 for an hour-long break. Hongjoong offered you to grab some tea with him and you couldn’t refuse.

“It’s freezing,” you wrapped your muffler around your face like a mummy, leaving only space for the eyes, making Hongjoong laugh- another thing about him that was endearing. He mirrored your action and like mummies, you two walked to the nearest shop to get something warm to hold and drink.

As you sat next to each other on the stools looking out of the window and checking your phones, finally having unwrapped yourselves, you asked him if he was looking forward to finally being home. He passed you a tight-lipped smile, taking a sip before replying.

“I needed to be away from home. I know that for me my home is the most comfortable place in the world, but I don’t know. I somehow needed to get away from there.”

You nodded- you weren’t sure you could relate entirely but you could understand. “It’s like that with people too. Sometimes you want to run away from them even if they mean the whole world to you.”

Hongjoong looked at you. “I guess so. Have you ever had that point in life?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “I tend to be the type of person who doesn’t let anyone mean ‘the whole world’ to me anyway.”

Hongjoong unexpectedly laughed at that, making you wonder what was so funny even though you joined. “You must be a hard nut to crack. You don’t give off that vibe.”

“Really? I need to strengthen my defences then- do I seem like an open book to you?” You asked, making him laugh and shake his head again.

“Not an open book but not someone I realised might not be who they seem to be,” he explained and you made an impressed face. “That means you’re doing fine.”

You forgot how you were going to retort when something caught your eye and you turned to look outside the window, realising it was-

“Snowing. It’s snowing!” You grinned, taking his hand and dragging him outside despite his protests, and you two were a laughing mess when you were finally under the snowflakes.

“Aren’t you the one who was just freezing to death moments ago!” Hongjoong laughed, not bothering to dust off the snowflakes anymore and finishing his coffee.

“I do like it when it snows though,” you grinned.

Hongjoong shook his head, taking your cup as well to throw it in the bin and when he came back, he scoffed at the sight of you- trying to hide under the tree to avoid snowflakes on your uncovered face. He stood beside you, watching the ground turn whiter with each passing second. When he looked at you again, there was a snowflake on your cheek and before he knew it, he was brushing it off with his thumb, earning a short but surprised gasp from you, which made him go someplace else entirely before he smiled casually.

“We should go inside.”

Once inside, you two resumed chatting about casual stuff, not trying to get personal, but at some point you fell asleep and Hongjoong watched you with a smile before resting his head on the window and falling asleep across from you. Before you knew it, you had reached Sector 1 and you both were gathering your things.

“I hope to see you again somewhere around,” you said. “It’s a small town. We’ll probably run into each other sooner than we’d expect.”

“I don’t really go outside often, so let’s see,” Hongjoong pouted. “Are we not exchanging phone numbers?”

You smiled faintly at that, wanting to exchange contact information so bad but… there was a side to you he didn’t know about. “Tell you what- the next time we run into each other, we’ll share our numbers first. But for that,” you leaned in a little as if to whisper a secret. “You’ll have to come outside more often.”

Hongjoong shook his head in amusement. “If you catch me standing in the corner of a street looking like a lost kid, you should know it’s because I was waiting for you.”

“Oh, I have a feeling we’ll run into each other before we get to that point,” you winked, spotting your tall friend behind him and extending your hand to Hongjoong. “It was really nice to meet you, Kim Hongjoong. Until we meet again.”

“No wonder you’re a writer,” he scoffed. “Until we meet again… y/n.”

—----------------------------

“Yunho, if you ‘accidentally’ kick my leg one more time, I’m going to break all your toes-”

Yunho choked on his drink, laughing. “This is a small table, and I need space for my legs!”

“Well, you’re the one who brought me here!” You sighed. “Let me just-” You turned your legs against the wall, letting him have the rest of the space to himself. “We good?”

“We’re great,” he grinned mischievously. “Now can you stop whining about every minor inconvenience and tell me how the past six months were at Sector 8?”

You sighed, slumping down further as you sipped on the chocolate milkshake. “It was fine. I’m doing better at work. I just still feel like there’s a spark in me that’s missing. Maybe the creative soul in me has… died, you know?”

“You just need a muse,” he told you as if he had the right answer. “And if you look closer, you might find it right in front of your face-”

“A muse, huh?” Your mind went elsewhere, though, to a person that resembled a certain fictional character. “I haven’t written a book in two years. I’m glad I chose to be anonymous because I don’t think I could have handled the pressure from my fans if they knew who I really was.”

“Fans should know when to give their favourite writers time and space,” he said but you knew he felt sorry too. “I think you should just be glad you didn’t leave a project unfinished or left in the middle of writing a series.”

“Yeah, that’s a big relief,” you nodded enthusiastically, shivering at the prospect of having done any of the two. “I can even say I’m officially retired and have no regrets. Well, not exactly no regrets but at least I’ll be satisfied.”

“Totally, though I wish you could give us one final piece if you do wish to retire,” Yunho made puppy eyes and you glared at him but smiled. He was your best friend but also your biggest fan.

“How’s your new roommate? What was his name again?”

“Seonghwa- he’s really good. Mingi and I are adjusting well with him,” he told you and went into the details about how Seonghwa was working in the music industry and had the kindest soul. “He’s also kinda hot so I think you should really come over sometimes because I can’t hear you whine about how lonely you are anymore-”

“Speak for yourself,” you scoffed. “One girl breaks your heart and you swear off relationships. It’s a wonder you didn’t kick me out of your circle.”

Yunho sighed deeply. “At least I don’t complain about being lonely, y/n.”

He was right- it was usually you, and since during the last six months you and Yunho only talked through text or calls, he heard it more. Life in Sector 8 wasn’t full of parties and all. It was just being holed up in your room, occasionally being dragged by one of your friends there to the outside world for lunch or dinner. Other than that, you focused on work. It was an opportunity you didn’t want to miss and if that meant being away from home for half a year, you didn’t care.

Especially when you were pretty sure you were going to go crazy.

As if Yunho knew exactly what was going on in your head, he asked, “You still have those daydreams?”

“They’ve turned into dreams,” you looked at him. “It feels like another life, Yunho. And I know I could write about it, but I don’t think I can.”

“You should stop being scared of what’s inside your head,” he said. “I don’t get what you’re so afraid of.”

“I don’t get it either,” you muttered.

On the way back home, you took your time, taking the longer route to your apartment, just wanting to roam around your hometown and soak in everything and see what had changed. No matter how much it changed, you realised, it would still feel like home every time. Safe, but you found yourself looking over your shoulder a few times. Warm, but you would suddenly feel chills. The weather was pleasant though and you were enjoying yourself, kind of glad it wasn’t snowing yet.

Your mind immediately went back to Hongjoong. You wondered where he was and if you were ever going to run into him again. You were pretty sure you would, but the reason why you didn’t take his phone number that day was something you needed time for.

Your daydreams- they were like flashes of an alternate life. In that life, you looked the same. You went to the same places, but you were with someone else- someone with hair the most pretty shade of blue. You didn’t remember what he looked like, nor did you recall how he sounded. But you were happy and you were loved. Those feelings were sometimes so intense that you would feel as if a part of you had been snatched from you.

Before you moved away for work, you were plagued by those daydreams. You didn’t recall when they started coming, but by the time you noticed, you realised that they were distracting you from life. You started writing, wondering if it was just another prompt or idea you needed to get out of your head but that didn’t work- they were out of control. And when you stopped writing and started working, it plagued your nights.

You took the job for Sector 8 wondering if you needed to be away from your home, your hometown, to get away from the memories of someone that was you- that was what it felt like. Memories- or maybe they hadn’t even happened yet.

Or maybe you were becoming delusional, way too much into fantasising about what could have been. But the whole year you spent telling yourself that you had read and written way too much fiction and needed to get back to real life and stop imagining things, that night at the train with Hongjoong made you wonder if you were wrong about yourself.

It wasn’t anything he did. It’s just that when you fell asleep, you had a dream about the blue-haired guy after a long time. And in that dream, you were thrumming along to a beat you were listening to.

“You like that?” The blue-haired guy asked. You tried looking at him, but it was like you couldn’t see him. You did not know whether he was older or younger than you. You did not know what he looked like, other than the unique hair.

“You’re so good at this,” you replied, squeezing his hands and noticing a detail you hadn’t seen before- a single nail painted blue.

When you woke up, you wondered where you had seen that. And when Hongjoong extended his hand to say goodbye, you noticed it. The same pinky finger, but painted black. How many people have you met who painted only their pinky finger?

You were fearing that the lines between your dreams and reality were becoming blurry, which is why you left in the first place. It didn’t help that Hongjoong popped out of nowhere with an all too familiar vibe. Perhaps you dreamt about the painted pinky finger because of Hongjoong. Perhaps your blue haired guy never even touched nail paint- if he existed in the first place.

You stepped inside your apartment, dropping your bag on the couch and going to wash your face, cleaning up and changing before coming to your room and stopping in front of your wall with the softboard- the one where you chalked ideas, put polaroids of your memories, finding a lot of picture with Yunho and Mingi. And then you stared at the pattern of these photos- there was none.

That’s what bugged you. You were eerily meticulous with how you arranged every part of your room. How you arranged your notes, the photos on your wall, your stationery, everything. And one strange day, you woke up and nothing in your room made sense to you. It was as if you had been placed into someplace foreign, even though it was your home.

And that’s when the daydreams started. You searched the internet when it got worse but found nothing relevant. You gave up but didn’t change anything in your ‘new’ room, hoping it would one day rock your memory- if there was something in your memory in the first place.

You pulled the covers over yourself, pushing away the thoughts and welcoming sleep after a long day.

—---------------------

You did not expect to run into Hongjoong so soon.

You were expecting at least a month to pass before you would stumble upon him somewhere- probably shopping for groceries if he lived in your area, or maybe at a cafe or a restaurant, maybe at a club. But certainly not in the middle of the night when you rushed out of your home to take a breather.

You were speed-walking to the park, thinking about the dream you just had. The blue-haired boy holding you so close- you could still feel the warmth of his touch on your arms. His voice- sometimes sounding familiar, sometimes sounding alien. But what really did it for you tonight was an all too familiar place- you had only been there once. The book-cafe in Sector 7. You had only been to Sector 7 once, and you recalled that you were not alone, however, no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t remember just who had accompanied you. But you had definitely been there- it was not a dream or a daydream. You could remember the layout of that place, the books you read there. You even found one of your books there and had a good laugh about it- with who?

You were thinking just that when you spotted your Cruella, dressed in all black, sitting on a bench with headphones on, staring into the distance- as if he, too, was trying to recall something but couldn’t. You smiled, forgetting all about the dream and instead taking a detour to sneak up on him from behind and sit beside him like a stranger would. He glanced at you and went back to staring into the distance and you watched recognition click on his face before he shifted his full attention towards you.

“I can’t believe this,” Hongjoong laughed, taking off his headphones. “What were the chances?”

“Is meeting in the middle of the night our thing now?” You shook his hand, scoffing.

“Maybe it is,” he winked. “Do you live in this area?”

“Actually, yes. Block F,” you told him and he nodded.

“Block K,” he told you and you nodded- it wasn’t very far but it wasn’t close either. “How does it feel to be back home?”

“Strange but welcoming,” you shrugged. “How’s your sample coming along?”

You were talking about the sample he’d shown you on the train- some song he was composing for a band. “It’s been approved. You wanna hear it?”

“Hell yes,” you grinned, taking his headphones. “What are you calling it?”

“You gotta listen to it first,” he told you and you made a face but listened to the instrumental song, now fully composed.

And you were in love instantly. With the song, of course.

Hongjoong could tell you were enjoying it- the way your brows were furrowed as you focused, the way you were literally on your toes but slowly thrumming along to the beat. It made him a little giddy. And when you took off his headphones, you were gaping at him.

“It’s changed a lot since the last time, but I’m not complaining at all. It’s a masterpiece!” You exhaled, looking at him with wonder. “You’re truly an artist, Hongjoong.”

“Ah, you’re flattering me way too much,” he laughed, cheeks flushed and waving his hands dismissively. “It’s called Horizon. Does the name fit?”

“Definitely,” you mimicked his posture from when you found him sitting here. “Is that why you were staring at the… horizon?” Hongjoong stared at you deadpan, making you hide your face. “Admit it. That was funny.”

“A little,” he finally shook his head in amusement. “What brought you here in the middle of the night though?”

The smile fell off your lips. “Dreams.”

“Dreams and not nightmares? That’s new,” he made a face but he relaxed back, staring into the distance with you. “Care to share?”

“Just… very vivid dreams. Sometimes I wonder what was real and what was a dream.”

“I actually know what you mean,” he admitted and you looked at him. “I still think about those dreams and at this point, I’ve probably already mixed them with reality.”

You frowned. “When did you start having these dreams?”

“About a year ago, I think. It was a strange time for me, with work and all,” he sighed but you were thinking about how it was a coincidence- you started having these dreams around a year ago too. “We’re both artists, you and I, y/n. My medium is music and yours is writing. When we get a little too creative… I guess it happens. Dreams become mixed with reality, and we have to take a step back but it keeps plaguing us, back there in our heads. Isn’t that why you needed a change of pace and became a literary editor?”

“No one has figured me out this quickly, not even my therapist,” you exhaled and the two of you began laughing at the absurdity. “But you’re right. Is that why you decided to go to Sector 8 too?”

“I only went four months ago to work with a producer, but I know I wouldn’t have if I didn’t need to get out of this place,” Hongjoong told you. “But I’m saying that I totally get what you mean. And I think it’s good to dream- better than not dreaming at all.”

“That’s kinda poetic,” you teased. “But is it good to dream if you can’t figure out what’s real and what’s not?”

“That’s the fun part, isn’t it?” Hongjoong smiled. “You get to decide.”

You looked at him- really looked at him this time. Messy hair, tired but sparkling eyes, lazy smile, relaxed posture. Was life so easy for him? To figure out stuff like this? Maybe you need to stop being so strict with yourself and start acting a little like Hongjoong.

But… there was a strange tug in your heart that told you that you needed to delve into your past to figure stuff out before you ever decide to dismiss it. At least after the dream tonight.

So you straightened and smiled at Hongjoong before telling him, “I think if we can’t differentiate between dreams and reality… we need to get a grip. If you don’t even know yourself, how are you supposed to move on and begin to know other people?”

“But we never truly know ourselves,” he countered. “We do things that surprise even us.”

“But we should be aware of ourselves, and you, Hongjoong,” you poked his temple, making him groan and laugh at the same time. “You need to be aware of yourself too. And don’t give me the ‘I’m very aware’ bullshit. We’re in this shit together, it seems.”

“Well then, let’s find self-awareness together, shall we?” You couldn’t tell if he was being serious or was just teasing you. “Also, are you going to ditch me like last time or do I get to have your phone number now?”

You grinned at him and exchanged contact information. “Let’s meet for coffee sometime?”

“Definitely,” he nodded and you looked at the time. “You should get going.”

“You should too,” you pursed your lips. “It’s almost 4.”

“You wanna see something?” He asked out of the blue and you raised your brow, even more in surprise when he took your hand and led you to where a bunch of trees were, making you laugh out loud when he gently pushed you down by the shoulders to make you sit, and then he lied down.

“Come,” he patted the space next to him and you lied down as well, frowning at him in mild amusement.

“You think this is a nice spot to sleep?”

“Shut up and look,” he pointed upwards and you followed his gaze-

Finding stars shine from between the leaves of the trees. “Woah. That’s something I’d like to see before sleeping every night.”

“I know,” he smiled. “I like to watch this when I can’t sleep at night.”

“I can see why,” you said and looked at Hongjoong-

His side-profile looked awfully familiar. It was unique- he had those features you rarely saw on anyone. A very memorable and handsome face. Now why did he look familiar?

You were having a daydream again- or was it a flashback? You were lying down just like this, right here, with your blue-haired boy.

“Y/n?” Hongjoong clicked his fingers in front of you and you shook yourself out of the trance.

“Can I ask you something?” You cleared your throat and he nodded. “Do you dye your hair often?”

Hongjoong was thrown back by the sudden curiosity and he laughed a little. “Yeah, you could say. I’ve had ginger hair, blonde, pink, blue and red too. I’ve tried many different colours.”

Blue.

“Blue sounds interesting. Do you have some pictures of yourself from when you had blue hair?”

“Not right now- I got a new phone a few days ago so it’s basically empty,” he told you and you nodded. “You like blue?”

“Yep,” you smiled. “I think it’s my favourite colour. But I really like your hair now too. I never thought it would look this good on a person.”

“Thanks,” Hongjoong smiled shyly. “I think I’m going to keep it for a while.”

“Sounds good,” you turned to look up, trying not to conjure up the image of blue-haired Hongjoong.

—------------------

Your coffee date with Hongjoong had taken a wilder turn than any of you had intended.

Firstly, you showed up half an hour late, making up the excuse of ‘work’ when the real reason was that you spent hours in front of the mirror trying different outfits because Hongjoong was always looking incredibly good with all his details and you were honestly a mess in comparison.

Secondly, you were wondering if this was a ‘date’ or just a casual meetup where you’re still getting to know each other and becoming friends. You were pretty sure it was the second but that didn’t keep you from stressing over the fact that you, for the first time in years, were trying to socialise with a random stranger. Your only other friends were Yunho and Mingi, both from high school. And they couldn’t help but make fun of you.

“You think seeing me after six months would have done it,” Mingi began, glancing at Yunho, “but she shows up at my place with her hair looking like a nest and in her sweats, barely holding herself up with her laptop and books, and asks to stay over because she needed a break. That’s how she decided to meet me.”

“Ah, is that so?” Yunho laughed. “She looked pretty decent when she met me. I almost got scared.”

“That was because I was coming back from work,” you looked at Yunho pointedly, and then turned to Mingi. “And that was because I was in the library all day and didn’t have the energy to go all the way back home. Your place was like two streets away. And Yunho- you missed that. I even met Seonghwa- the new roommate.”

“Oh? In that state?” Yunho groaned. “My plan to set you two up has already failed then.”

“He liked me,” you simply said. “We talked a bit.”

“That’s just him being kind,” Mingi scoffed. “When you went to sleep, he asked me if you were ‘alright’. He looked like he knew you from someplace.”

“Oh, goodness,” you stopped drying your hair. “Did I look that bad? And he should have told me if I looked familiar.”

“Not your best, you gotta admit,” Mingi ran a hand through his brown hair. “And you’re getting dolled up for a stranger you met on the train? I don’t recall the last time you actually made an effort to look good for someone.”

“I’m not doing it for him, I’m doing it for me,” you said but Yunho and Mingi didn’t look pleased. You rolled your eyes. “Fine. I want to look good. And don’t give me that look- it’s not a date. We’re only friends, still getting to know each other-”

“Which means the possibility is there,” Yunho grinned. “I hope it works this time.”

“What do you mean this time?” You frowned- you didn’t recall any previous time.

“Weren’t you maybe dating someone like two years ago?” Yunho tried to recall. “You didn’t tell us the details but I think you were.”

“Was I?” You frowned. “I don’t remember-”

Your phone buzzed and you read the text from Hongjoong saying he had arrived at the cafe, which was when you realised you were running late. You had to push Yunho and Mingi out of your room so you could finally change and get ready without further distractions.

So now that you were in front of Hongjoong late, anxiously wondering if this was a date, and already feeling nervous because of how good he was looking in all-black, you were wondering just what was happening- especially when Hongjoong asked you if you wanted to join him at the music festival that was taking place in the arena- he had just gotten two free passes from a friend who was working there.

“Wow, that’s gotta be wild!” You laughed nervously. You wanted to go so badly-

“We can skip if you want to,” Hongjoong was carefully scanning your face.

“No, I’m just wondering if I have any prior engagements for tonight,” you asked him to give you a second so you could check your schedule. You were free. You glanced up at him with a growing smile which he reflected. “Am I underdressed?”

“Nobody cares, we’re good,” Hongjoong said after scanning your outfit. "You look pretty in blue."

"Thanks," you smiled shyly, wondering what it was about him that made you nervous. "You look pretty in everything."

Hongjoong laughed out loud. "That's something I needed to hear."

"I'm not joking!" You huffed. "My friends were making fun of me because I couldn't decide what to wear. You look like someone who would look good in a sack too."

"That's definitely an exaggeration," he scoffed but leaned forward, face resting casually on his hands. "Were you dressing up for me? Is that why you're so late?"

You didn't expect the rush of heat in your stomach but you liked the thrill. "And if I was?"

Hongjoong shook his head, amused. "Let's make the most of tonight then, huh?"

As you exited the cafe, you bumped into a woman who seemed to be in a rush, making her bag drop. You sighed, helping her up and handing her the bag with an apology.

“It’s okay,” she smiled at you and then at Hongjoong and her smile fell. You frowned at that.

“Are you feeling alright?” You asked. “Let me help you inside- you look pale.”

“No, it’s alright, I just need to get my coffee,” she said, scanning you both again with a smile this time. “Date night?”

Hongjoong and you laughed at that. “Kind of,” he said.

“Good luck,” she patted your shoulder and you watched her go inside.

“She seemed familiar for some reason,” Hongjoong said.

“It looked like you seemed familiar to her too,” you commented. “Maybe an old colleague?”

“Maybe. Let’s go.”

A few minutes later, you were at the arena, the combination of loud music and Hongjoong holding your hand as he guided you through the crowd making your heart sound like it was between your ears. Thankfully, it wasn't very crowded. Hongjoong led you to the front where the band was rehearsing before they would start playing- they started lowering the volume and Hongjoong turned towards you.

"Do you prefer watching or would you like to dance along?"

"I think once I'm feeling it, I might dance along," you shrugged. "I can't say- it's been a while since I came to someplace like this."

"Well, I guess you'll be learning a few things about yourself tonight," he winked, noticing that he was still holding your hand. "Should we stay here then?"

"For now," you nodded, squeezing his hand in appreciation before leaving it, taking a deep breath and smiling as you looked around. "You must come here often."

"I haven't been here in a while as well," he looked troubled and you decided not to ask further about the reason. "But I feel kind of nostalgic now that I'm here."

"I'm excited to see what you look like when you're in your medium, Kim Hongjoong," you teased and he rolled his eyes.

"You have to see me in my workplace. You won't recognise me."

You raised a brow- somehow, you had imagined that he looked kind of hot as he worked. He had that kind of vibe to him. But as if he had read your mind (or noticed you biting your lips) he shook his head. "People avoid me when I'm working on something. I really don't wanna be disturbed and I get frustrated easily too."

"That's pretty similar to writing. When I have an idea, I need all my attention focused on writing. If someone distracts me, I'll burst."

Hongjoong smiled, nodding. It was very true. "For now, I think we can let loose and enjoy."

As if on cue, the speakers were back at full volume, making you grit your teeth momentarily as you got used to the sound of your bones shaking and then you were swaying along to the beat in a light manner, much like Hongjoong. He seemed to know the song- or maybe he was just better at this than you, but his grin told you you were doing just fine.

The rest of the night was a blur- it took you only another few songs to completely lose yourself into the music. You were soon reflecting Hongjoong’s wild energy and if you could see yourself from afar at that moment, you wouldn’t recognise yourself. It was as if either something had possessed you or you’d finally let go of the things bothering you.

When you exited the arena and went to the food stalls, Hongjoong grabbed water bottles and you took a big few gulps before exhaling loudly. “I think I should have just come to a concert before deciding I was depressed and needed to change my environment. This is free therapy!”

Hongjoong laughed loudly. “Post-concert depression is also a thing. Don’t move around after that.”

“Really?” You said but realised that your heart was still pounding and your legs were still thrumming along to some beat. “You better deal with that mess then.”

“Oh, I will,” he smirked and you raised a brow. You hadn’t missed the ‘casual’ touches Hongjoong had passed throughout the concert, nor had you missed how he glanced at you more often than necessary. And he alone wasn’t to blame- you hadn’t been subtle either. There was an undeniable pull between you two and it wasn’t helping that you two were tiptoeing around it and not addressing it. “You wanna take a walk and calm down before we go home?”

You nodded and didn’t protest when he took your hand in his and guided you to the exit, avoiding people he recognised because he didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed. Once you were out, you intertwined your fingers as a silent thanks and to let him know you didn’t mind holding hands.

“I won’t forget tonight,” Hongjoong’s voice was low. “I enjoyed it very much.”

“Me too,” you pursed your lips. “It was also a bit nostalgic being there- I don’t know why, but I just felt… like I’ve been there before.”

“Really?” Hongjoong looked genuinely surprised. “I felt the same- I’ve been to many concerts but this was the first time I felt so nostalgic- but more like I was having an intense deja vu.”

“I think it’s us,” you grinned at him. “When I was writing for fun, I read something that stuck with me- that there are some people we know in another reality. We instantly feel a connection with them and they make us feel like we’ve been there before- with them. Do you think so too?”

“I didn’t know it was actually a thing,” Hongjoong seemed fascinated. “I thought it was just because I liked you a little too much.”

You tried suppressing a grin but failed, bumping against him on purpose, squeezing his hand. He copied that and you two giggled like kids. “That’s the most cheesy thing I’ve heard in a while. I think I should use it in one of my books.”

“I’d read that,” he laughed and you both paused when you reached the intersection- you were to go left and he to right. He turned you towards him, looking down at your still joined hands. “I think you should let go now.”

“I think you’re the one still holding, see?” You flexed your fingers in his hand and he chuckled.

“I’m taking you to dinner next time- a real date. If… if you’d like to,” Hongjoong asked cautiously.

You pretended to think about it. “I think I’d like to. Very much. Good night, Hongjoong, and thank you for today.”

You leaned forward to plant a kiss on his cheek, making his eyes go wide in surprise. You grinned at that, waving and rushing off before he could respond because god, he looked absolutely hot when he looked at you that way.

And you were glad he had voiced that he liked you and that you weren’t hallucinating or reading too much into things. Because you liked Kim Hongjoong very much. It was strange how it felt like you had known him longer than the actual few weeks because you weren’t the kind of person to open up to someone this quickly, nor did you get along with many people.

You put your hands in your pocket as you walked back and felt something in one of the pockets- a card. You took it out and frowned in confusion- you didn’t remember putting this business card in your pocket, nor did you remember ever meeting Lee Sunmi from ‘Wonderland Intelligence Service’. The WIS was a government organisation- something not even known to the general public. Why did you have the business card of someone from the WIS?

As you got home and changed, you sat in front of your laptop on the table, staring at your plain black desktop screen, zoned out. There was this feeling like something scratching at your subconscious- you just couldn’t figure it out. And when you felt something wet on your cheeks, you realised it was tears. You wiped your face, suddenly overwhelmed, and decided to cry your heart out when you couldn’t hold it back anymore.

You couldn’t figure out what was this sadness clinging to you like a part of your soul- it followed you everywhere. You couldn’t find its origin nor could you see its end. All you knew was that there was something you had forgotten- it couldn’t just be your dreams and imagination making you sad. There was no way. You had forgotten something, and whatever it was, it must have been important to you.

You needed to find answers. And you would start with yourself. Tomorrow.

Tonight, you cry, alone.

In his apartment, having washed up, Hongjoong sat in his studio-room in front of his big setup of laptops and PCs, a mess of wires and screens and speakers and earphones lying around. It was always comforting to simply sit and stare, even if he wasn’t working. He thought about the concert earlier, about you, with a faint smile on his face.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had let loose like this. You probably wouldn’t believe it if he told you, but he wasn’t always like this. There was just something utterly familiar and comforting and welcoming about you that made him open up to you and befriend you, that made him want more than being just friends. He thought you were absolutely pretty- in the way you held yourself, in the way you talked. And he had seen a new side of you tonight- the wild side, and oh, he knew in that moment that he was done for. There was no coming back now.

He had to have you.

Hongjoong opened up a few folders, trying to find old concert footage or photos from the last time he went- probably a year or two ago, maybe even earlier. He had a habit of organising his folders by years, and he went to open the one from last year, not finding much, just some photos of the scenery that usually served as inspiration when he produced or composed. He opened the folder from two years ago, finding photos of-

Sector 7? The board read Sector 7 in one of the photos. He frowned as he tried to recall- when exactly had he gone to Sector 7? He couldn’t quite recall and he thought it odd- he wasn’t one with memory issues, he had never been. Hongjoong opened one of the photos- Sector 7 was famous for its hills and rivers. He scrolled through the photos of clouds, hills, flowers, finding a few of himself and then some of a cafe- a book cafe, it looked like.

Hongjoong stared at the photo for a long time- it seemed awfully familiar but it was odd that he couldn’t recall what he was doing at a book cafe. He wasn’t the type to go to cafes alone- certainly not book cafes. It was also a bit odd that he could only recall fragments of his trip if he tried hard. He shrugged, opening his music files from that year- perhaps something would rock his memory.

There were surprisingly more tracks there than he had expected. He opened a random one, which was a guitar sample. Before he could open another, his phone rang and he went to find it, finding his old friend Seonghwa calling and he slumped on the bed, talking to him for a long part of the night and catching up, forgetting all about the audio and music files in his folder.

—---------------------

“Do you ever think that you’ve been replaced in another reality? That you’ve… switched with the ‘you’ of the other dimension?”

“What in the world have you been reading again?” Mingi looked up from his laptop to frown at you. “Don’t tell me you stayed up all night reading those conspiracy theories again.”

“Doesn’t it make sense?” You continued, pouting as you played with the rings on your fingers. “You remember everything because you’ve lived the same life, but at the same time, some of your memories… there’s a glitch.”

“Definitely the conspiracy theories,” Yunho muttered, not even bothering to look up at you as he worked on something, picking his mug to take a sip of his coffee. “Why are you here again? I thought you had better places to be.”

“This was ‘better places’,” you threw a pen at Yunho who scoffed. “I am unwanted. I should make myself scarce.”

“Now you realise, after like a decade of our friendship,” Mingi sighed deeply and you cursed out loud, straightening when you heard keys jingle and the door unlocking.

“Hi guys- oh, you’re here too,” Seonghwa waved at you and you smiled, waving back. “I’m just stopping by to throw my stuff- I’m hanging out with a friend tonight. Don’t wait for me at dinner.”

“Ah, we’ll have to order takeout again,” Mingi sighed again and Yunho laughed. Seonghwa stopped to point his finger accusingly at the two before rushing to his room. You looked at Yunho who was eyeing you rather suspiciously.

“What?” You challenged- you had told him you were not interested in Seonghwa like that, but Yunho seemed intent to do something about your relationship status, saying it was necessary at this point- you had been single way too long.

“Nothing,” Yunho stifled a smile and you all waved at Seonghwa as he said bye. You looked back at Yunho. “Can you stop smiling like a clown and tell me- if you knew your memories were going to be lost, what would you do?”

“If and only if you’re writing again, I’ll answer,” Yunho challenged. You pursed your lips.

“Maybe I will.”

“Fine,” Yunho straightened, thinking. It had always been like this- you, sitting aimlessly around the two, throwing the most random questions and mostly talking to yourself. It helped straighten your thoughts out and that helped when you wrote. “So I know my memories are going to be lost, and I want to protect the cherished ones?”

“Kind of, yes,” you nodded, thinking about your dreams. “There’s someone important to you that you’re going to forget. You can’t avoid it. What would you do?”

“Maybe you wanted to forget them,” Mingi almost mumbled. He looked up from his laptop to find you two staring at him. “Just a thought, carry on.”

You made a face and Yunho reflected, saying, “That’s plausible too. But… maybe I’d keep something in case I want to remember, huh? How would that even work?”

“Maybe a journal or a picture… or an object that would remind me of them?” You mused. “But all of that’s easily manipulated. Something I would know for sure is real.”

“And you can’t rely on your memories, if they come back?” Yunho looked confused. “Because you can’t figure out what was real and what was your imagination. I read something similar once too.”

“Yeah, so what would you do?” You asked.

“I don’t know,” Yunho shrugged. “Probably hide something that belonged to them in a place only I would know.”

“Or hide something in plain sight but decipherable only to you- if you want to remember,” Mingi contributed and you did a double-take because that was the kind of thing you would do as well. “Maybe you shouldn’t be looking too far, you know?”

“You’re kind of a genius, Mingi,” you acknowledged and he simply saluted.

“But the kind of people you both are, you’d be staring right at it for the rest of your life and never figure it out,” Yunho sighed and the two of you laughed- that was something that was definitely a possibility with you and Mingi. “You’ll have better luck hiding a time capsule. At least you could be right about the location if you ever decide to bury one.”

“But… where would I bury a time capsule?” Mingi was not fully invested in the discussion, having put aside his laptop and shifting on the couch. “I have several places in mind. Do I go digging around at each site? I’d look like a maniac”

“Think of a place special to you,” Yunho mused, relaxing back. “Some place you go to when you’re alone. A place special to you, known only to you.”

“I don’t have such a place I think,” you said, disappointed. “Probably my room is the closest to the description.”

Mingi snickered at that and Yunho shook his head, “There’s always such a place for everyone. You just gotta think.”

You did think when you got back home that night. You combed through your room, spending hours rearranging the mess in your drawers, pausing at certain objects with a smile- like the mini penguin plushie from Mingi at your last birthday or the box of stationery from Yunho which contained everything you needed whenever you were in the process of writing something- markers, sticky notes, even some words of affirmations handwritten by Yunho himself, some scolding you to stop slacking.

Some objects made you sad as well- remnants of your childhood, of your parents, a few items making you incredibly nostalgic. But everything you owned had a distinct memory attached to it- there was nothing out of the ordinary in your room. You even searched through your laptop for any journal entries (you weren’t the type, though) or anything, but the only thing amiss was a draft for what you assumed had to be a story prompt. It was in a folder where you kept the few selfies you sometimes took. You thought it was odd that a text file was there but it had probably been because you were in a rush. You opened it and skimmed through it- some plot about a writer being a spy hired by her country to investigate illegal activities in the entertainment industry. You smiled to yourself- it wasn’t an unusual plot for you as you usually wrote crime novels, but there was a hint of romance in this one, which was new because you never wanted to add romance in your books.

You sighed- maybe you were losing it, maybe you needed to go out more.

And when Hongjoong texted and offered to take you out on a lunch date two days later, you agreed, forgetting about the blue-haired boy that had been plaguing your thoughts recently.

—-----------------

Hanging out with Hongjoong every other day was becoming a part of your routine- meeting up for coffee in the evenings, getting dinner together a few times or just late night walks in the park when you first met him- because you lived so close to each other, it wasn’t too hard to meet up. And you weren’t going to complain- you were in a better mood these days, as observed by Mingi and Yunho.

They teased you often about Hongjoong- you hadn’t told them anything about him yet. You knew they would never let you live if things with Hongjoong didn’t turn out like you were expecting, so you teased them to bits especially when they tried guessing his name.

“Sometimes I have a feeling that it’s Seonghwa- but then… he would have told us, right?” Yunho looked at Mingi and he scoffed.

“Seonghwa wouldn’t like her,” Mingi pointed with his controller, going back to playing the video game as if he hadn’t just insulted you.

“Excuse me? What’s so wrong about me, why are you always like this?” You were whining now, poking his thigh with your feet that were sprawled over the couch and Yunho laughed.

“I’m just saying Seonghwa knows better. You’re a mess, frankly. No wonder you’re still single- ouch!”

“Well deserved,” Yunho agreed with you this time, complimenting your aim- you had tossed a pillow at Mingi and it had barely missed his eyes. “She’s not that bad-”

“Not helping, Yunho,” you put a finger on your lips, indicating to him to shut up if he couldn’t say anything better. “Honestly? Admit it I’m better than those girls who put on this fake persona. At least I’m real. Who doesn’t like that? What if I was a stuck-up bitch who only cared about how her nails looked- oh, hi, Seonghwa.”

You didn’t mind Seonghwa now, mostly because he didn’t mind your presence, though he had been wary for the first few times you came over. He explained that it was just because he was shy but you got comfortable with each other soon- perhaps because with Yunho and Mingi present, it felt like you were all old friends.

It didn’t help that Seonghwa knew way more about you than you’d like, thanks to certain two loud-mouthed friends of yours. Seonghwa waved, sitting across from you. “You were saying?”

“Nothing,” you smiled sweetly but Yunho had other plans.

“She’s still not telling us who it is she’s been meeting up with. She’s not even telling us if they’re still friends or more,” Yunho sighed dramatically.

“She’ll tell you when she wants to, isn’t that right?” Seonghwa winked at her and you looked at him gratefully. “You haven’t ordered yet, have you? I should ask Hongjoong when he’s coming.”

You frowned, watching Seonghwa fish out his phone and text ‘Hongjoong’. “Your friend who’s joining us today- he’s called Hongjoong?”

“Yep,” Seonghwa finished texting, looking up. You had a funny look on your face as you looked at Yunho who was following you and you scoffed.

“What are the chances?” You muttered.

“AH, so he’s called Hongjoong?” Yunho raised a brow. “Let’s wait for this Hongjoong to arrive then. Let’s not talk more about him.”

You felt a sudden thrill- was it really such a small world you lived in? And if Hongjoong really was Seonghwa’s friend… that would be a big coincidence.

And it turned out to be right. When you spotted the familiar ‘oreo-hair’, as you titled it, you hid your face in your hands for a moment before looking up at Hongjoong, who paused and looked at everyone in the room before back at you, and then you two were laughing like madmen.

“I’m kicking them both out,” Mingi got up, laughing along as he dragged you by the arm. “Get out of my apartment, you’re scaring me with the way you’re laughing!”

“No, it’s just…” you finished laughing, wiping your eyes. “He’s the Hongjoong that I- that I’m friends with.”

“Just friends?” Seonghwa asked. “I thought Hongjoong loved you or something-”

“Shut up, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong smacked his arms. “We’re… dating. I think.”

“You think?” Yunho guided Hongjoong to sit. “You better tell us everything, the two of you.”

And so you did. You two were meeting up every other day, yes. Maybe you could call it a date, but you two found out that you preferred really getting to know each other before defining your relationship- friends, or more. And so far, you two were still confused.

“You two definitely like each other, look at the hearts in your eyes,” Seonghwa sighed dramatically. “Get a room.”

“Seonghwa, please,” you groaned. Seonghwa was one of Hongjoong’s oldest friends and you felt like you could instantly trust him- and that also made you two more comfortable with each other, as friends. “Shut up and eat.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he obeyed, taking another slice of pizza. “So you two met on the train, then by chance, found each other in the park. And now you’re dating. You should write a book. And you, Hongjoong. I bet you’ve already written a song about her.”

Mingi snickered at that and Hongjoong groaned loudly. “Let’s leave, y/n.”

“Let’s,” you folded your arms, waiting for anyone to stop you but the three hyenas were too busy laughing and eating. “I hate you all.”

“Hate is a strong word,” Mingi commented.

“I wish there was a stronger word in my head right now,” you smiled sweetly at him and then looked at Hongjoong. “You know, if you had mentioned a certain Seonghwa being your friend, I would have connected the dots.”

“I did!” Hongjoong said. “I’m sure I did… you could have mentioned Yunho or Mingi too!”

The two of you got into an argument that escalated from being bad with names to arguing about why you had memory issues recently and why Hongjoong couldn’t separate dreams from reality when you realised the three of them were quietly listening to everything.

“My god,” Mingi was the first to break the silence. “They’re just like each other.”

You rolled your eyes but smiled and for the rest of the night you tolerated your group of friends, giving in to their teasing. That’s just how it was between the three of you, and from the looks of it, Seonghwa and Hongjoong shared a similar relationship as well. You found yourself looking around, heart full- these were your people.

You wished you all would stay like this for a long time.

When it was almost midnight, you grabbed your stuff and said goodbyes. Hongjoong was quick to get up and offered to walk you and you nodded- you two would be going to the same path anyway, at least for a while.

“It’s a small world,” Hongjoong found himself laughing as the two of you walked through the streets. “I never expected this.”

“Me neither,” you grinned. “It was becoming a joke at this point because I wasn’t telling your name to any of them on purpose.”

“Why though?” Hongjoong sounded curious. “Because they would tease you?”

“Oh, I’m used to that, it even goes over my head now,” you shook your head. “It’s just… I’ve had a bad experience with dating- god, that sounds wrong. I just mean that dating rarely works for me, which has become an inside joke now.”

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right guy yet?” Hongjoong looked hopeful and you passed him a look but then sighed.

“I think it’s a me-problem. I’m rarely ever emotionally available. That doesn’t sit well with people- they don’t expect it from me even if I tell them beforehand. And when they do find out… it doesn’t end well.”

“I can relate to that- I’m more of the ‘physically absent’ person when it comes to dating, being always busy with work. I’ve always put work as my priority and that doesn’t sit well with people.”

“They say they understand, they all do… but they never really understand. I’m just- I don’t deal with the dramatics, Hongjoong. I hate it when someone’s being vague with me. I want to hear the truth, and I want to tell the truth. That sounds simple but that’s probably the hardest thing to do.”

“It is,” Hongjoong was nodding. “The truth isn’t always what people want to hear.”

“I think,” you were now stepping in the blocks of the tiles along the pavement and Hongjoong found it adorable that you were avoiding the lines. “I think I really like you Hongjoong. You’re honest, unfiltered, and you know your priorities. I like that. I’m just figuring out if we’re better off as friends or if we should try being more.”

“Ah,” Hongjoong’s heart did a somersault. “I kind of understand what you meant about yourself. You make it sound like it’s very simple, y/n, making that sort of a decision.”

“Isn’t it?” You stopped and turned to him, grinning. “I like you. I could kiss you right now. But if you tell me we think we’re better off as friends, I would-”

You didn’t get to complete your sentence because Hongjoong had cupped your face and was kissing you urgently, as if trying to tell you to stop thinking anymore. You got the message and brought your hands to his shoulders, squeezing them as you kissed him back, tasting chocolate from the dessert you had just before you left. You kissed him deeper, stifling a groan because he could kiss, and his hands travelling to the back of your head and cradling your neck were driving you insane.

Hongjoong broke apart, your breaths mingling as he rested his forehead against yours. “I- I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, y/n. Can we try being more than friends?”

“Of course,” your response was quick. “I didn’t realise that you liked me this much.”

Hongjoong laughed when you poked his stomach. He poked it back, drawing apart a bit and tucking your hair back. “There’s just something about you that speaks to me in a familiar way. I think we’d be good together, don’t you think so?”

You nodded. You two could be good together. You snaked your hand in his and urged him to walk with you. “Do you want to go to Sector 7 with me, Hongjoong?”

“Sector 7? What for?” He asked.

“There’s a place I need to go,” you sighed deeply. “I need to solve a mystery. And I need you with me as I do it.”

“You’re being weird,” Hongjoong teased but when he saw that you were serious, he paused. “Is this about your dreams- the flashbacks? You want to confirm?”

“Kind of, yeah,” you nodded. You had told him about your flashbacks- of a presence that you missed, of places you’ve been to or things you’ve done that you no longer had a memory of.

Surprisingly, Hongjoong hadn’t deemed you insane. He had been nothing but a great help, telling you that it was okay, urging you to explore and find answers if it was bugging you to the point that you had trouble sleeping. Hongjoong squeezed your hand yet again, as he had so many times. “I’ll be with you.”

That night, the two of you discovered a missing piece in the long-forgotten puzzle.

Hongjoong sat, lovestruck, in front of his PC, scrolling through some old samples looking for inspiration. He came upon an unclosed tab from days ago- those samples that he didn’t recall producing. And when he played all of them patiently, his chest tight from the intense deja vu, he couldn’t help but think that he, too, had a mystery to solve. And perhaps, going to Sector 7 with you would rock his memory. It was incredibly odd that you were going to Sector 7 because of a similar question as well- maybe you two didn’t realise it yet but you were both on the same journey, with one destination. But why- how could this happen?

How could this happen, you thought as you went through the draft that you had read a few days ago. It was starting to look less like a draft and more like a narration of events- there was the blue haired boy. He was a producer. The main character was a writer. And the blue haired boy had said something-

“Cold snowflakes wither and fall Until you bloom as a spring flower I’ll be with you-”

You hadn’t made the connection until you were showering after coming back, recalling what Hongjoong had said just before you had parted ways- ‘I’ll be with you’. It would have been a casual phrase but then you recalled seeing these lyrics in Hongjoong’s music journal- he was working on the rhythm for the song. As soon as you finished showering, you were wondering just where you had heard it before- and then about an hour later, you found it in your draft.

Could your blue haired boy really be Hongjoong? If so, what was the reason you didn’t remember him? You supposed there was only one way to find out- Sector 7.

—--------------------

You decided not to mention that you suspected Hongjoong to be your blue haired boy for several reasons. He could be pretending not to know you, which was very suspicious. He could have forgotten you as well, which was more suspicious. But you were going to be testing Hongjoong today- you were going to be watching his every move and see just what was going on.

Clearly, he was doing the same thing as you. As you two sat in the train, deciding public transport would be the best since you had no idea how long this trip would take, you both were feeling that same deja vu like the last time you shared a train journey together, and…

You both were staring at each other. Without shame.

Hongjoong was the first to give in with a nervous laugh and he brushed his clothes, running a hand through his hair. “You know… I don’t like being watched.”

“Maybe you’re just a very pretty sight to see, you know,” you were chewing gum fiercely. “Maybe I’m… memorising your face. After all, we kissed two days ago. I thought we were going somewhere, Hongjoong-”

“Stop teasing me,” he laughed, and your heart swelled when you found his cheeks flushed. Even if Hongjoong wasn’t who he was pretending to be, which you were maybe 49 percent sure was the case, he was still a very cute and handsome and sexy guy. You mentally slapped yourself for not coming up with better vocabulary as a writer, but hey, what could you say? He did render you at loss for words oftentimes.

“Are we not going to address where we stand, Hongjoong?” You teased again, poking his shoes with your own.

“I think…” Hongjoong scanned you and you made weird faces but he tried to be serious. “I think that I don’t know who you are, y/n.”

“Well, we never really know each other. I won’t claim I know myself either, at this point,” you almost mumbled the last part.

“I can relate to that,” Hongjoong sighed, scooting to the corner. “Why are we really going to Sector 7? And I need to hear the truth this time, y/n. You’re not giving me answers and I don’t know why I followed you- I mean, I trust you. I feel like I can trust you, but I don’t know where we are headed.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that you trust me,” you said- you really were. “It’s just… I don’t know why I’m going either. I just need to go and I need to find some answers. I need to clear my suspicions. I think I forgot something important, Hongjoong. We’re visiting a book cafe- I hope to find answers there.”

Hongjoong straightened up after hearing that. Could it be? “The book cafe at the top of the hill?”

“Ah, you’ve been there?” Now that was news to you and certainly made things more confusing.

“I think I have,” Hongjoong nodded. “I was scrolling through some old photos and found some. I don’t really recall going there, though, which is odd.”

“Well, I think you might be involved then, Hongjoong,” you said cautiously and he frowned in confusion. “Did you, perhaps, have blue hair when you went to that book cafe?”

“From the pictures I saw? Yes. But did we go at the same time?” Hongjoong asked. “Do you remember when you went there? I checked the date- I went around 2 years ago.”

“I don’t have proof that I went there, just… flashbacks,” you sighed. “Which is why I cannot trust my memory and need concrete proof. And I don’t want to think of you as the blue haired boy until I’m sure it was you. Because if you think about it… could we have known each other? Really? What is this then, mind wiping? Time travel? Alternate reality?”

“Slow down,” Hongjoong grinned.

“I might be going overboard with my imagination but I’m not crazy, Hongjoong,” you said but Hongjoong nodded sarcastically- you didn’t sound very convincing. You groaned, giving in. “Okay, yes, I’m going to prove that I’m not crazy. Why are you going?”

“To prove that I’m not crazy,” Hongjoong admitted and you raised a brow. “I found some samples that I don’t remember producing. A few photos that I don’t remember taking. And they were kind of hidden, in my own laptop, if that makes sense,” he looked at you. “As if I hid them from myself.”

“Crazy because I found a draft too,” you told him. “It’s supposed to be a story but I think it’s meant to be a narration.”

“But if we did know each other… and if we’ve forgotten- I’m entertaining this crazy impossible idea only because we’re on the train and we have time to kill,” he looked pointedly at you and you scoffed. “But… what I’m saying is that if we knew each other… the people around us would have known about us too, right? Like Seonghwa, Yunho, Mingi. But we’re all strangers, aren’t we?”

“But the timeline…” you leaned forward. “It was almost a year ago that I woke up in my room and thought that I was an alien because nothing in my room made sense to me! I told you about that- I always, always make patterns, but there were missing photos on the softboard, the room was a mess-”

“One drunken night could do wonders-”

“We’re theorising, okay, let’s explore every possibility,” you slapped his thigh and he shrugged. “I was feeling so disoriented. Didn’t something like that happen to you too?”

“It did,” he had told you about it- it wasn’t as obvious to him but he felt this intense dread for no reason. It was like he had lost something important but didn’t know. The kind of gut feeling you get when something bad is about to happen. “But it could have been a coincidence.”

“Duh, but we’re thinking of possibilities other than coincidences,” you leaned back, biting your nails as you thought. “It can’t be a past life. It could be an alternate reality but… let’s think realistically first, huh?”

“Sure,” Hongjoong laughed. “Such a realistic trip we’re going on.”

“Look, if you think I’ve lost it after this trip, we can pretend the kiss never happened and go back to being friends,” you laughed but it fell when you saw the look Hongjoong gave- like he was going to scold you. “Unless you don’t want to be friends anymore?”

You almost sank to your knees- you hadn’t entertained the possibility that Hongjoong might actually think that you are nuts and never want to see you again. But when Hongjoong leaned forward and grabbed your hands in his, you found him smiling.

“One of the reasons I like you is because of your brain- even though it doesn’t make sense most of the time,” he laughed and you joined, feeling relieved. “I like how you think. You make me look at the world differently, y/n.”

“Yeah. The crazy pov must help a lot with producing and stuff, huh?” You said and he chuckled.

“I just connect with you, crazy or not,” Hongjoong said. “We’re friends no matter what. We’re friends first, no matter what answers we might find ahead. Can we shake hands on that?”

“Definitely,” you shook hands with him.

“If what you’re thinking is true… it could be something ugly,” he sounded grim. “But… let’s remember this moment. I would like you to hold my hand if I want to run away, and I can do the same for you.”

“Hongjoong, you’re gonna make me cry,” your lips were quivering as you looked up.

“Don’t cry,” he cupped your face, wiping your eyes. “Let’s trust each other, okay? Let’s not hide things.”

“Let’s not run away from the truth,” you added and he nodded, kissing your forehead. “Talking about the truth, what if one of our friends knows about us but is hiding it from us?”

It was Hongjoong’s turn to smack the spot on your forehead where he had just kissed you. “You think too much, I’ll admit.”

“Ah,” you shook your head in disappointment, drawing away. “All that talk about finding my brain sexy was lies, huh?”

“First of all, I never called your brain sexy!” Hongjoong was laughing.

“That’s how it translated in my head!”

And so, the two of you bickered and made fun of each other until you reached the station. You both had only one backpack each with a change of clothes so you were quick and anxious to get out of the train, immediately gasping at the sudden change of scenery.

Sector 7 was everything Sector 8 wasn’t. For starters, the train station was cleaner- no wrappers lying around, no drunkards lining the walls. It was all monochrome and had a retro vibe to it- but then again, Sector 7 was known for leaning towards nature and cleanliness rather than the modern mess which seemed to be your home’s staple.

“The air feels so… different,” Hongjoong looked at you as you exited, picking a stray leaf from your hair. “Everything smells… cleaner.”

“Definitely,” you took a deep breath. “I can feel my lungs opening. I can’t believe how suffocating our hometown is. Maybe I should have moved here instead of Sector 1- at least I could have come back healthier.”

Hongjoong laughed. “Sector 1 really wasn’t much different from Sector 8, huh?”

“Yep,” you scoffed, looking at your phone for all the book cafes in Sector 7. “Just more modern and messier. Also, you should have taken a photo of the name of the cafe, Hongjoong. Really would have saved us the trip.”

“We have time to kill, don’t we?” Hongjoong shrugged, smiling. “Besides, how many book cafes could there be in one sector?”

An astonishing five was the answer. It seemed like the people here had a thing for book cafes. Sector 7 was the smallest sector but it had more book cafes than any other sector. And since it was a hilly area, you couldn’t rule out your options, and Hongjoong’s photos of the inside of the cafe weren’t helping much, though you did rank the cafes from the most probable to the least before marking the route on the map before taking the bus to get dropped off at the foot of one of the two hills that had two cafes.

“Better be one of them,” you sighed, looking up- the hill looked smaller in the photos on the internet. “That’s quite a hike.”

“I hope it’ll be worth it,” Hongjoong was mirroring your position.

“Shush. We’re having fun whether we find something or not. That’s the plan, remember?” You smiled and he took your hand, squeezing it before following you up to the trail.

Though the first cafe had a similar interior to the one you could see from the few pictures Hongjoong had, you decided it wasn’t the one after surveying. You did grab coffee to go and decided to rest before hiking up. You were checking your group chat with Yunho and Mingi which made you scoff internally- they were being wild.

Mingi: I hope you’re having… ‘fun’.

Yunho: Let’s not disturb her today hehehe

“What’s so funny?” Hongjoong snickered. “You know you can laugh.”

You let out the laugh you had been holding. “Just Yunho and Mingi. They can get weird sometimes, especially in our group chat.”

“Tell me about it,” Hongjoong scoffed. “We have a group chat of 6 and boy, does it get crazy. I keep them on mute.”

“Is that the one with Seonghwa? He seems… mature.”

“Mature?” Hongjoong laughed. “To you, maybe. He’s still a kid.”

You noticed how Hongjoong was smiling. “You adore him.”

“I don’t,” Hongjoong didn’t sound convincing and you shrugged. “Okay, yeah, of course I do.”

“See, that wasn’t too hard,” you stretched your limbs. “I adore Yunho and Mingi too- at times when the desire to kill them is less stronger.”

“Yeah, that’s more relatable,” Hongjoong agreed, finishing his coffee. “Do you think… if we knew each other, and one of our friends knew about us… they didn’t tell us on purpose?”

You looked at him- that was something you had discussed on your train ride too but it seemed like the possibility stayed with him. “Isn’t Seonghwa your closest friend? Has he done anything to make you feel like that could actually be a possibility? Because I was just rambling on the train-”

“I don’t know,” Hongjoong sighed, leaning forward and watching his shoes stick in the grass. He recalled the time when he found you at his place during dinner with the boys. Seonghwa had, just for a moment, looked at Hongjoong like he had found something he wasn’t supposed to find though he had been pretty normal later- a bit too normal, if he could admit. “I don’t know how I’ll feel if that’s the case.”

You took Hongjoong’s hand in yours, tracing his fingers. “You have cute hands.”

“Shut up,” he laughed.

“No, really,” you laughed back, taking a deep breath. “Seonghwa seems like someone who genuinely cares about you. Even if he did that, which is a possibility I’m not actually entertaining, but even if he didn’t tell you about this on purpose… I’m sure he had his reasons, Hongjoong. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, right? He’s been your friend for like a decade, just like Yunho and Mingi with me, right?”

Hongjoong nodded. “If Yunho and Mingi did that to you, would you hate them?”

“I don’t think I can ever hate them. That’s how it is with friends,” you squeezed his hand. “I won’t hate anyone after finding out the truth. Maybe the only person I’ll hate is myself.”

“You should be kind to yourself,” Hongjoong almost whispered, turning towards you. “I believe you, you know. Even if we find out nothing today, even if the dots don’t connect… I believe in you.”

You couldn’t help it. You couldn’t help watching his eyes sparkle like there were more worlds to explore than the one you were in. You couldn’t help but not smile when he did, when his face shifted into warmth and loveliness, so you went ahead and pecked his lips, lingering a bit before you drew back, clearly having surprised him. Before you could regret the decision and maybe apologise, Hongjoong was cupping your face with one hand and bringing you forward to meet his lips in a proper kiss and after you recovered from the shock, you were kissing him back with equal enthusiasm, ditching your coffee to fist his shirt as you brought him closer.

“Shit,” Hongjoong breathed as he broke the kiss, shaking his head in amusement. “You’re gonna be the death of me.”

You grinned, pulling him closer for the dramatics. “You can always back out.”

“Nah, I’m enjoying this,” Hongjoong cupped your face in both hands this time as he kissed you and you were amazed, blown by how good he was at kissing. He knew what exactly to do and you were submitting to him. You only pulled apart when you heard the faint sound of passersby but he finished with a peck to your cheek, tucking your hair behind your ear.

You stifled a smile, suddenly shy, watching him straighten his clothes and hair and when he was done, he looked at you. “Done staring?”

“Nope,” you muttered, continuing to watch him as he picked up both your cups and threw them in the trash can. “I’ve suddenly forgotten what we were supposed to do.”

“We’re hiking up, hello?” Hongjoong snapped his fingers in front of you and you came to your senses. He extended his hand and you took it, helping you get up. “Done already?”

“Done for,” you teased as you elbowed him, making him grin. “You should know that this was supposed to be a platonic investigation trip.”

“We can make it a romantic mystery trip,” Hongjoong suggested.

“Gosh, you sound cheesy,” you made a face and he laughed. “No wonder you’ve been single for so long. Whoever would tolerate such cheesiness?”

“Says you!” Hongjoong scoffed. “When’s the last time you dated?”

“Oops,” you flinched. “Does the imaginary blue haired boy count? Pretty sure I’m dating him…”

“You can’t two-time on me,” Hongjoong narrowed his eyes.

“Whatever. He’s prettier,” you mumbled.

“You don’t even know what he looks like!”

And somehow, with the constant teasing and bickering (and a few kisses exchanged to prove a few points), you were outside the second cafe- Cafe Crescent. With folded arms, you scanned the exterior- all wood and greens, and then looked at the view it provided with the outdoor sitting- you could see the majority of Sector 7 from this point of the hill.

“Pretty cool. We should have lunch here, what do you say?” You asked.

“Yep, definitely. I don’t think I can tolerate the sound of your growling stomach anymore…”

“I should just friendzone you,” you decided before urging him to follow you, ignoring his chuckles. Once you stepped inside though, you both automatically shut up.

“This has to be it,” Hongjoong was the first one to say. You agreed, and you placed your orders before surveying the inside, pretending to look at the books that lined one whole wall. There was a variety of genres that made you pleased.

“We have the more recent books in the back too,” one of the staff pointed. “Along with a photobooth, if you’re up for it.”

“Thank you,” you smiled and you two decided to eat first, in case you would lose your appetite later.

And you were right about that. After you finished eating, which was quick since you two were silent eaters, you went to the back, wowing- the back was more pastels, just like in the photos that Hongjoong had. There were two large bookshelves and some couches and the smell of coffee in the air just made it perfect.

“I like it here,” you mumbled, scanning the shelves and scoffing when you found your own book there. “Hongjoong? Do you wanna see my book?”

“Your book is here?” Hongjoong wowed. “That’s nice.”

“There it is,” you picked it out. Hongjoong had already read your book before he knew you so he was quite surprised when he found out you were a published writer. You opened the first page and smiled to yourself- the nostalgia was strong with this one.

“Let me see,” Hongjoong asked and you gave him the book, which he was skimming through as you went to the photobooth and saw several polaroids stuck to a softboard- of tourists, probably. You were looking at them when you felt Hongjoong tap your shoulder.

“Uhh, you might want to see this.”

You leaned forward to see what he was pointing at, surprised to find a doodle with your signature- a blue haired boy and a girl that looked an awful lot like you.

“Only I would dare to doodle in my own book, huh?” You muttered as you took the book, inspecting it closely. You skimmed through the rest of the pages, finding a few words that were highlighted in blue. “I think I should sit down and see what the random highlighted parts are about.”

“Sure, I’ll look for another book if they have,” Hongjoong offered and you nodded. Hongjoong asked the staff if they had more works or copies by that author, but it seemed like the one in your hand was the only copy they had, so he sat with you and you noted every highlighted word that came in random intervals, noticing that sometimes a single letter was highlighted as well.

It took about half an hour- and complaining about the length of your own book- when Hongjoong had the words down and he stared at the long note in confusion.

“Forget… do… not… love… you… one… the… and what’s with these letters?”

“Do not forget the one you love?” You translated for him and he wowed.

“You’re quick.”

“Let me see this,” you took the note from him, working on arranging the rest of the message while he fidgeted in nervousness and by the time you were done, you were looking at Hongjoong in disbelief, passing him the note to read.

“Do not forget the one you love. Your mind may forget but your heart will remember. If there is one memory you could keep it is of him. Ignorance is bliss.”

“Does this make sense to you?” Hongjoong asked, noticing the unarranged letters. “And what’s this?”

“Go ahead and figure it out. It’s an anagram.”

Hongjoong stared at the jumbled letters for barely a few seconds before he looked at you. “That’s… my name.”

“Kim Hongjoong,” you pursed your lips. “You are my blue haired boy.”

“Wait- hold up,” he stared at the note, feeling his heart sink. “It doesn’t make any sense- I… what does this mean?”

“It means I might have to look closer than I thought,” you got up, going to the softboard glancing at the polaroids. “Where would I hide something I wouldn’t want to forget? In plain sight. I might have to look through my room again, and I think you should too.”

“But,” Hongjoong stood next to you with the note in his hand. “If we knew each other, why have we forgotten?”

“Ignorance is bliss,” you quoted. “I think we’re not supposed to remember each other for some strange reason.”

“And the biggest question- how did we forget? The both of us?” He sighed. “It just… doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s as confusing for you as it is for me,” you noticed a polaroid peeking from behind another photo- the only one not on display in the entire board. “But…” you said as you leaned forward and unpinned that photo, not expecting to see two familiar faces in the photo behind. “I… think we have concrete proof now.”

The photo was a selfie of Hongjoong in blue hair with you sporting bangs that you had some two or three years ago. Hongjoong looked at you in disbelief and then at the photo- it looked like he had a hard time processing all of this. He handed you the photo and muttered something about getting air, leaving you inside the cafe.

You stared at the photo- it was taken at this very photobooth, and dated the same as the pictures Hongjoong had. Hongjoong and you were cheek to cheek, grinning like idiots. Idiots in love, you thought, smiling to yourself despite the absurdity of the situation. You turned the polaroid, not surprised to see your writing on it.

“To the love that I may forget, I hope we find each other again.

P.S.: Contact Lee Sunmi.”

The name sounded familiar and you wondered where you had heard of it before. You put the photo in your pocket and took your and Hongjoong’s stuff, placed your book back on the shelf and found Hongjoong sitting on a bench at the edge of the hill, wiping his face. You could understand how he felt- you had been entertaining so many possibilities for a while now, but he probably hadn’t thought it could be real- and the fact that he was involved in this and had forgotten you too…

You joined him on the bench, staring ahead at the sun setting. You let a few minutes of comfortable silence pass before you showed him the backside of the polaroid.

“I knew you were familiar from the moment I saw you. I have never, ever opened up to someone in such a short amount of time as I did with you. And I think it’s because it was so easy,” Hongjoong said, “It was so easy being with you. As if I had known you for a long time.”

You nodded, scooting closer and then hesitating. “You can back out, Hongjoong. If you don’t want to learn the rest of the truth-”

“No- I want to. I want to remember you, y/n,” he looked at you, his hair falling over his eyes. “I want to know why I had to forget someone I loved. I want to know who it was that took me to Sector 7, who took me places I don’t remember going, who made me create music that I don’t remember composing. I want to know why I woke up one day and felt like something had been snatched from me.”

“You don’t know if you loved me, though,” you smiled. “You could have hated me.”

“I think I’m sure,” he smiled back, eyes glazed. “I wouldn’t be taking a picture this close with someone I hated,” he waved the photo and you laughed.

“Well then,” you shivered as a cold crept up your spine. “Do you think us meeting again was fate or a planned coincidence?”

“I’d like to find that out, too,” he sighed, taking your hand. “I know it said ‘ignorance is bliss’ and we might be diving into something dangerous because let’s face it- who possesses the power to wipe memories? That’s insane and the only two things I can come up with are both realistic and bullshit.”

“The government, realistically, or something supernatural, which might be bullshit?” You asked.

“Exactly,” he took a deep breath. “You’re a writer. I’m a producer. Have we ever worked for the government?”

“Not that I know of…”

“And are we interesting enough to the supernatural?” Hongjoong made a ridiculous face. “I don’t think so.”

“Maybe I am,” you pouted.

“Shut up,” Hongjoong laughed. “Either way, let’s explore the realistic option first, even though it might be less probable than a supernatural event…”

“Look who’s talking crazy,” you grinned. “You’re turning into me!”

“I need a detox day after this trip,” Hongjoong said and you elbowed him. “Who’s this Lee Sunmi anyway?”

“Let’s look into that first,” you said and he agreed.

—----------------------------

Everything had changed, yet it felt like you were fitting into each other like a puzzle long forgotten.

You both had decided not to tell any of your friends for two reasons- the obvious one being that the situation was unbelievably ridiculous, and second… the gnawing fear that they knew all along and were pretending.

You both had no idea who Lee Sunmi was and you couldn’t risk asking people so you decided to work this out at a tolerable pace- visit places together in hopes that you’d get your memory or fragments of it back, visiting each other’s place and going through old photos together- you were together in none of them.

Visiting Hongjoong’s apartment was an experience- it didn’t rock any memory nor did it feel familiar, but it was just a strange feeling visiting your boyfriend’s apartment for what was the first time but wasn’t really. He told you that he practically lived in his studio at the place he worked so you should probably visit that.

For Hongjoong, he found your apartment unusually familiar. He hadn’t recalled much from his past, and he was afraid that his memories would get mixed up with what he would be conjuring up in his head now. He was relying more on you who often got dreams but you both decided not to believe everything you dreamt of. So when Hongjoong stepped in your apartment and nostalgia hit him like a truck, he had to pause and take a seat.

“I think I know what your room looks like,” he looked at you.

“You could have just said you wanted to see my room, but that’s okay too,” you teased and he rolled his eyes, following you into your room.

“I… expected it to be more coherent and organised, I’ll admit-”

“You’re not wrong,” you told him. “I woke up one day to this-” you motioned around. “Like, look at this,” you showed him the softboard which had a few notes of your current work in progress and a few photos. “I’ve always created patterns- in colours, or sizes, or shapes. This looks like I stuck things wherever I found space.”

“Something I would do,” Hongjoong grinned. “So that was your first clue that something was wrong? I would have dismissed it as being high.”

“Yes, that was my first concrete clue,” you glared at him. “And turns out I was right. I also have this draft here,” you pulled your chair and made Hongjoong sit on it in front of the pc while you opened the document standing near him. “The narration I told you about, practically hidden in plain sight. I have no memory of writing it- and no, I don’t write when I’m ‘high’.”

“I believe you,” he placed a hand around your waist casually to assure you, though it sent butterflies in your stomach. You took a breath before showing him the clues in the document.

“It sounds like a plot for a crime novel, I know, but my life’s been starting to feel like that too. This is practically my villain origin story- I’m one step closer to losing it everyday.”

“Me too,” Hongjoong mumbled, skimming through it and frowning. “But this isn’t as unbelievable as it looks. I work in KQ entertainment, right? One of its subsidiaries had rumours of trainees going missing but there was never any concrete evidence to prove the case.”

“Really?” You frowned. “So if what I wrote is true, I was a spy hired to investigate that? But I’m not a spy, and even if I somehow managed to get that job, how come I forgot everything?”

Hongjoong shifted towards you, his hand travelling down your arm absently as he looked up at you. “If it was just one of us, it could have been an accident, but it’s the both of us, apparently. Which means, somehow I was involved. Was I a spy too? Were we rivals? Did you get close to me to access the industry-”

“Which is the plot of every other movie these days,” you laughed. “But I wouldn’t have been dumb enough to start an actual relationship with you if that was the case. I would have just seduced you-”

“Hey!”

“For a one night stand or something,” you laughed. “Come on. I wouldn’t make a dumb spy!”

“And how exactly would you have managed to seduce me?” Hongjoong’s voice was dangerously low as he asked, pulling you towards him and you put a hand on his shoulder to hold steady. “I’d like a demonstration.”

“I think you are easily seducible- you did approach me on the train first,” you teased.

“Yeah. I totally found your half sleeping figure the sexiest,” Hongjoong made a face and you slapped his shoulder, grinning. You trailed a finger along his face, from the temple down to the jaw, tracing it until you reached his chin and tilted it up, making him face you properly.

“You were saying?” You asked, letting your finger trail down his throat, down to the collar to draw circles on whatever skin you could see. You met his eyes and found his eyes glazed with something unrecognisable and it was almost too much- god, the way he sometimes looked at you. You could feel your entire heart sinking into your stomach.

“Don’t look at me like that,” you tilted his face so he could stop looking at you but he held your hand.

“Like what?” He pulled you over him, making you sit on his lap. “Like this?”

He was perfect. His black and white hair was the most perfect mess you had seen and you couldn’t resist the urge to run your hands through his hair, finding it incredibly soft. His hands found home at your waist and when he hooked his thumbs under your shirt, you shut your eyes for a second, relishing the feeling.

“You make me feel overwhelmed when you look at me like that,” you admitted. “Not in a bad way, not at all, but… it feels like-”

“I look at you like I’m in love, don’t I?” He asked, leaning into your touch as you caressed his face. “I look at you like I’m falling in love all over again. Because I am.”

“Hongjoong,” you almost groaned but he shook his head.

“You look at me like that sometimes too,” he kissed your palm. “Like you’ve known and loved me all your life. I love it when you look at me like that.”

You kissed him then, to tell him he was right. He was absolutely right- you had loved the blue haired boy even when you had forgotten him. And when you had met Hongjoong, you had felt like he was the one. His hands on your waist tightened as he kissed you back, slowly, trying to understand everything you were saying through the kiss. And when you broke the kiss, lingering before drawing back, Hongjoong was chuckling.

“I don’t think you’re capable of mere seduction, y/n. You’re capable of making people fall for you.”

“Are you saying I suck at seducing?” You challenged, pushing him back into the seat and surprising him before putting your arms around his neck and kissing him differently this time- more passionate, more hot, more rushed and Hongjoong’s hands travelling all over your body only fueled you into sitting right on top of him and moving to the rhythm of your kiss, grinding on him until he moaned into the kiss.

“What do you have to say now?” You broke the kiss, laughing but Hongjoong had picked you up, making you squeal. He placed you on the bed gently, a devilish calm in his eyes as he pushed you back, drawing on top of you ever slowly and trading open mouthed kisses before travelling down your neck and taking his sweet time, making you whimper but you couldn’t move. He had your wrists pinned on the sides.

“Hongjoong,” you groaned and he changed character, planting gentle kisses up your neck to your cheek.

“You good?” He asked.

“Never better,” you smiled and he smirked, drawing back to push his rolled sleeves back, licking his lips.

“What am I gonna do with you, y/n?” He ran a hand through his hair, scanning you.

“What are you gonna do?” You asked naively.

Hongjoong narrowed his eyes. “What did the intelligence agency ever see in you to hire you as their spy?”

“Maybe I seduced my way there,” you joked and he laughed, putting a finger over your lips.

“No more talk about seduction for the rest of the night,” he was right in front of you and found himself tracing your lips. You brought him closer for a kiss and soon you were on top of him, his hands under your shirt as you two made out, gasping into the kiss when he pushed himself on you, making you feel everything. You were going to take off your shirt when you paused, eyes widening in realisation.

“Hongjoong! The intelligence agency- Wonderland Intelligence Agency!”

“God, you scared me,” Hongjoong put his hands on his face. “What about it?”

“Lee Sunmi- I have a card somewhere,” you got up from top of him and started searching frantically around the room, leaving Hongjoong confused but he watched you in amusement as you tried searching for whatever business card you had.

“For someone so organised, you sure know where you put the business cards,” Hongjoong commented and you ignored him- where had you put it? You moved to the table and looked into the pencil holder, scoffing.

“Aha!” You waved it in front of him, walking back to the bed. “I found this in my pocket on our first date. Remember the woman we bumped into that day we went to the concert?”

Hongjoong looked at the business card. “How do you know it was her? I don’t remember her passing you this.”

“I’m guessing it’s her- I always put my hands in my pockets and I had empty ones when I left that day. When she went inside, she patted my shoulder like this. She must have slipped this inside then.”

“Wow,” Hongjoong sat up a little. “This does have her email, but can we contact her? Can we trust her?”

“She recognised us, didn’t she?” You asked him and he nodded slowly. “It sure looked like she did. She didn’t like seeing us together.”

“Yeah, I remember that. I say we should take the risk for some answers?”

“Not right now- I’ll need to do some research on your company,” you bit your lip.

“Not my company, the subsidiary- they separated from us some two years ago, I think. That’s the last I heard of them.”

“That’s good,” you nodded, letting Hongjoong caress your hand as you processed all of this. “So let’s just… relax?”

Hongjoong laughed, pulling you closer, back on top of him. “I love it when your eyes light up like that- when you connect the dots.”

You went back to a memory- the blue haired Hongjoong caressing your hand, the two of you on what looked like a bus and he whispered something in your ear.

You smiled. “You’ve told me that before, Hongjoong.”

“Yeah, earlier?”

“No, before,” you kissed him. “You held my hand just like this and you told me that you loved it when my eyes lit up when I connected the dots.” You kissed him again, resting your forehead against his chest, half seated.

Hongjoong was running his hand through your hair when he realised you were shaking. He squeezed your shoulders before drawing you back, wiping your silent tears. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

You took a deep breath, feeling utterly broken in the moment, feeling like Hongjoong was holding all your broken pieces in his hands. “I don’t like this, Hongjoong. I don’t like it that I forgot you. I don’t want to know why I did- I feel like it’s going to be something that’s going to break us. It's been chasing me all day long, all night long- I feel so lost.”

“It’s okay,” he kissed your forehead, hugging you and rocking you back and forth. “I know what it feels like. But y/n… I feel like we won’t find peace until we find the truth, no matter how bitter it is. And I know we’d like to think that the past won’t affect us now, but it will. So let’s just enjoy what we have now, huh? If it’s too much, we can stop.”

“No, you’re right,” you sniffed, wiping your face. “I’m just afraid to lose you again.”

Hongjoong smiled at that, finding it unbelievable that you two didn’t remember losing each other but knew exactly how it felt like- in your hearts. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t,” he caressed your face. “I don’t think I can stay away from you no matter what the truth is.”

You let him kiss you then, throwing the card away- that could wait. For now, you were going to let Hongjoong make you forget about all your fears, make them dissolve with each kiss, each touch.

—---------------------

Hongjoong regretted setting up a date to meet with Lee Sunmi.

Over the past few days, while he had been working on getting more information on the subsidiary company that went under investigation, called AG Entertainment, he had only found speculative articles on the internet about the missing trainees but nothing concrete. He was mostly letting you create theories about what could have happened but it wasn’t enough. And then one day, Seonghwa asked Hongjoong how his relationship was going.

Hongjoong had to do a double-take. It was a casual question, yes, but these days he was doubting everyone and everything.

“It’s… good. It’s great, actually,” Hongjoong laughed a bit. “You’ve met her a few times, right? Do you like her?”

Seonghwa had never been good at hiding his emotions and the way his eyes flashed, Hongjoong knew in his gut that he was aware of something. “Yeah, she’s…. Nice, I guess. A bit weird at times but we all are.”

“We all are,” Hongjoong agreed. “When I’m with her, it sometimes feels like I’ve known her for longer.”

Seonghwa raised a brow at that. “That’s… that must mean you’re good for each other.”

“She said she feels like it too- like she’s known me for a long time, like we’ve met before,” Hongjoong continued, watching Seonghwa fidget with the pen in his hand. “I suppose with some people, it’s like that, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Seonghwa agreed, getting up from the table. “I’m heading out to get some groceries. You’re working?”

“Yeah,” Hongjoong watched him get his things and just when he was about to leave, he stopped him.

“You won’t hide anything from me, right?” Hongjoong asked and he saw realisation cross across his face. “Just tell me if you’re hiding something from me. Because no matter what I think, I believe you wouldn’t hide it from me unless you had a big enough reason to. Bigger than our friendship.”

“That’s right,” Seonghwa patted Hongjoong’s shoulder. “I would only hide something from you if it meant more than our friendship.”

That was all the confirmation Hongjoong needed. He nodded, smiling in appreciation. “Thanks, Seonghwa. I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“I’m glad you trust me,” Seonghwa smiled back, nodding slowly as he processed. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Hongjoong. I really do. It may be dangerous, but… I hope you do.”

With that, Seonghwa left and Hongjoong wondered just what he meant by that.

And somehow, one thing led to another and he found himself in the same cafe that he went to, on his first date with you, now waiting for who was supposed to be an intelligence agent. He hadn’t dared to send a mail or anything, no. He just thought he would come and check if this was Lee Sunmi’s regular coffee stop.

It looked like it was. Just around that time in the evening when he was expecting her, she came dressed in a suit, and Hongjoong watched her get coffee. When she turned, she met eyes with Hongjoong, almost ignoring him until she saw that he was maintaining eye contact on purpose. Hongjoong raised his hand to confirm that he was waiting for her and he watched her sigh and look around before walking to him.

“This isn’t a safe spot to talk. Get in my car.”

“And I’m supposed to follow you?” Hongjoong asked and she smirked.

“You did wait for me. It’s up to you, Kim Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong shook his head at that, asking her to lead the way and she started driving. She let a few minutes pass before she asked what he wanted with her.

“First of all, why did you slip your card into y/n’s coat?”

“I saw you both together, after years,” Sunmi smiled. “I was quite shocked. It didn’t look like you both recognised me, though.”

“We didn’t,” Hongjoong confirmed. “What do you mean ‘after years’? When was the last time you saw us together?”

“A year ago,” she said, making a turn to the left.

“When was the first time you saw us together?”

“Two years ago,” she answered.

“So are you going to tell me what this is about, or should I just ask questions?” Hongjoong asked, sighing as he slumped back, wondering how to steer this conversation.

“Does y/n know you’re here, Hongjoong?” Sunmi asked and Hongjoong looked at her, not answering. “That means you must have recalled something that you couldn’t tell her.”

“I’m not actually sure if what I recall is a memory or just my imagination,” Hongjoong sighed. What he recalled a few days ago wasn’t a pretty memory. It was ugly, with a certain someone pointing a gun at him.

Sunmi drove to a park, stopping her car and reaching into the back to get some documents from her backseat pocket. “I started keeping this here in case I ran across one of you. It’s the ugly truth and how it started. I can give it to you, but… it’s not yours. It’s y/n’s truth. If I give it to you it will only create misunderstandings.”

“Then just tell me… how was I involved in all of this?”

That night, Hongjoong didn’t come home. Sunmi had assured her it wasn’t the whole truth and was just what the WIS, specifically her who was in charge of this case, could tell him without violating your privacy. To him, it was a bit too much to process. He sat in front of the river all night, arranging his thoughts.

Y/n. Writer. Spy. AG Entertainment. Human trafficking. Government involved. Hiding the truth. Memory wipe.

And all he could conclude was that he was involved because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It was your mission. Only you had to forget- and only about the mission. Somehow, he had found out, which had created a mess. How did he know you? Did you really approach him because of your mission? Unfortunately, Sunmi did not have the answer for that.

The next day, when you woke up, you sighed when you checked your phone and Hongjoong hadn’t even read your messages. This wasn’t new, though. He had been a bit distant for a few days, and you wondered if it was just because he needed a break.

Or you feared that it could be because he recalled something bad. Because you knew whatever happened, it must have ended in a tragedy. If you and Hongjoong were in love, having to forget each other was a tragedy- and you still didn’t have the answers.

You fiddled with the business card of the WIS agent. Could you contact her now? What would you even ask her? Would she even tell you, or would she make you forget everything again? Was this a test, her slipping the card so you would call her, so she could wipe your memories again? You had no idea. And with Hongjoong not responding to any of your messages from the past whole day, you were worried.

You asked Mingi for Seonghwa’s number and texted him if he knew where Hongjoong was, but his reply made you worry- he hadn’t been responding to him either, and he wasn’t at the studio yesterday. Apparently Seonghwa had stopped by Hongjoong’s place last night, but he wasn’t home and Seonghwa assumed that he was with you.

You told him that you would stop by his place today. You still had time before you needed to clock in for work, so you made a stop at Hongjoong’s apartment, but he wasn’t there.

“Just let me know if you’re safe. Seonghwa is worried too.”

With that, you went back home and absorbed yourself in your work, forgetting about everything for a while- maybe he was just taking a breather. It would be understandable.

That night, Seonghwa got a call from Hongjoong, asking if he could stop by his place. Seonghwa asked Hongjoong if he had let you know that he was alright, but he hadn’t. So with a text to you that Hongjoong was back home and presumably alright, Seonghwa stopped by his place with chicken and beer.

“Ah, just what I needed,” Hongjoong said when he opened the door and Seonghwa smiled. “Not you, obviously. The chicken and beer.”

“Right,” Seonghwa rolled his eyes. “You look like a mess.”

“I feel like shit, yes, thank you for noticing,” Hongjoong slumped down on the couch, watching Seonghwa set the table. When he was done, he looked up at him.

“Are we gonna talk?”

Hongjoong told him everything then- starting from the day he met you at the train to his meeting with the WIS agent. By the time he was done talking, Seonghwa had to take a few minutes himself.

“I never thought it was that deep,” Seonghwa phew-ed. “But you’ve got most of it wrong, Hongjoong.”

“What do you mean?”

“With the story you have, you must believe y/n is the bad person here.”

“Well, she did point a gun at me,” Hongjoong shivered. “She threatened to kill Jaebeom too- you remember him. He was my supervisor at that time.”

“He worked with AG Entertainment, and if he was involved in the whole trafficking business… he must be in prison now.”

“Well then, her business was with him, right?” Hongjoong frowned. “Why involve me?”

“You really think she approached you on purpose?” Seonghwa scoffed. “Didn’t you say that agent saw you both together some two years ago? You and y/n first met more than three years ago, Hongjoong.”

Now that had Hongjoong’s full attention. “How do you know that?”

“Because I’m the one who introduced you to her, you fool,” Seonghwa threw a pillow at him and Hongjoong let it hit him. Was he hearing this right?

“So you’re telling me,” Hongjoong shifted towards him fully. “That we might have known each other before that job?”

“Yes,” Seonghwa nodded. “The agent saw you two together two years ago. She didn’t tell you when she approached y/n, so there’s that. And since I introduced you both, I’m pretty sure she wanted nothing to do with musicians and producers at that time.”

“Wow,” Hongjoong sighed deeply. “How did we meet?”

Seonghwa smiled, telling him about the time Wooyoung hosted a party and invited a bunch of people from town. Knowing Wooyoung, half the sector was present. Wooyoung and you were high school classmates so that’s how Seonghwa got to know you, and while they had been chatting at the party, Seonghwa had introduced you to Hongjoong, knowing you two would get along. “I had no idea you two would get along that well. You both ditched the party and went ice skating or something. You came back with bruises but you were lovestruck.”

Hongjoong pursed his lips, trying to wrack his brain for any sort of a flashback but he got none. He buried his head between his knees, sighing. “I just wish I can remember it all, Seonghwa. I feel it in my heart that I’ve loved her for a long time, yet… there’s also this sense of dread that’s stuck with me.”

“I think you didn’t know about y/n’s job, and you must have felt betrayed, that’s why,” Seonghwa thought. “Think about y/n too. If she got this job without knowing you were involved… she might have found herself in a situation with no way to get out. A number of possibilities and since your memory is coming back, I know you two will be fine and will sort things out. What I don’t understand, Hongjoong, is why the mind-wiping was necessary.”

“Sunmi only told me that it was because the government got directly involved, but I don’t know what that means,” Hongjoong looked up. “They could have signed a confidentiality agreement or something. Were we test subjects? Because I remember that the mind-wiping thing wasn’t an actual possibility until a few years ago.”

“That’s why I said it’s dangerous to dig,” Seonghwa started cleaning the table. “It’s fine if you stick with just finding out about your relationship without digging into the matter. What if they do something again?”

“Why did they not wipe your memory then? Or y/n’s friends?”

“Yunho and Mingi were studying in Sector 1 back then, so I’m not sure how much they know. It looks like they don’t know about you being her boyfriend but they’re aware y/n dated. As for me… I had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Ms. Lee. I wasn’t in the equation until I noticed how you forgot about y/n one day entirely. I noticed someone following you and somehow met with Ms. Lee who explained a bit and let me go because apparently, the situation had already gotten a bit out of control and she didn’t want to risk any more people. She also said that unless the memories came back naturally, which she hoped would happen soon, trying to force these memories might cause brain damage.”

“Wow,” Hongjoong blinked. “Brain damage. Just what I needed.”

“Hey,” Seonghwa slapped his arm. “Your memories are coming back naturally, so just relax.”

“I don’t know how to face y/n though,” Hongjoong hid his face in his hands. “I went behind her back because of that memory and met with Sunmi. We promised to share whatever memory we could recall, yet I couldn’t tell her this. And I don’t know if I’m sure about what happened between us.”

“Maybe, like Lee Sunmi said, you should talk it out with y/n and meet with the agent to get the documents on what happened. Then connect the dots.”

Hongjoong agreed but all he could think of right now was your smile fading when you would learn what he had done.

—---------------------

Two more days had passed with Hongjoong not showing up, only a text from Seonghwa to assure you that he was alright and just needed some time to himself, and the last thing you were expecting anymore was to find a package on the door that contained documents from Lee Sunmi.

Your first instinct was to tell Hongjoong, but you had some qualms about that now. You understood that Hongjoong needed space and you were almost sure he had recalled some memory which had caused the sudden rift between you two, which made you wonder just how bad it was. Well, if the government was involved, it must have been bad.

You had recalled a lot of memories too in the past few days. You recalled meeting Hongjoong at a party where apparently, Seonghwa introduced you two. You remembered that party- it was more than three years ago. So you thought that there was a chance that Seonghwa knew about you two all along and Hongjoong had found out about it. It was why you let the boys have their space- perhaps they were sorting things out.

You also recalled the first time you saw Hongjoong at his workplace and you hid out of instinct- you hadn’t realised that he was involved in your mission. You hadn’t realised that AG and KQ Entertainment were connected- Hongjoong worked at KQ, and you had forgotten. You had gotten yourself in a mess. You remembered that now.

So when you saw the document from Sunmi, you wondered if Hongjoong should be present. What if the truth was really, really ugly? What if, after learning everything, Hongjoong wouldn’t want to be with you anymore?

With that fear in your heart, you mustered up the courage to open the document and empty its contents- a letter, a file and a USB. you opened the letter first and read its content:

Hongjoong has learned his truth. It’s time that you learn yours. I’m sorry for all that went wrong with this mission, and I’m sorry for involving you both. I hope you and Hongjoong can learn the entire truth and learn from it, and find in your heart forgiveness and love. Sincerely, Sunmi.

Hongjoong had learned ‘his’ truth? Had he met with Sunmi? You scoffed in disbelief- he was avoiding you on purpose. You wondered what happened to the promise you two made about sharing each memory you would recall and going through this together.

You decided to go through the file first- it had basic information on you, on why you were selected, what the mission was, and what exactly had happened. Surprisingly, it had no information on why Hongjoong was involved, and after reading the whole thing and going through the USB, heart pounding wildly as you went through everything that had something of Hongjoong in it- old video files, audio files, even Hongjoong’s data- after that, you didn’t need any more answers.

You remembered exactly what went wrong with that mission- and it wasn’t about the case you were investigating. It was about Hongjoong.

That night, you couldn’t sleep. Your waking hours were all filled with your memories coming back, fragment by fragment, head throbbing crazily. You were so dizzy that you didn’t remember calling Seonghwa- you don’t know why you called him, but it felt like he was the only person you wouldn’t need to explain anything to. A few minutes later, you opened the door to Seonghwa.

“Shit, y/n, you look like a mess.”

“I feel like shit, yes,” you confirmed, brushing your clothes, and he laughed to himself, recalling how Hongjoong had said the same things. “Do come in. Did you bring some painkillers?”

“You should eat something first,” Seonghwa looked around your house- he had been there before, but he wasn’t sure you recalled it yet. “If you have ramen, I can make some killer ramen.”

You agreed and watched him go through your kitchen like he knew exactly where everything was. “You know… I never told you where I lived, yet you knew exactly where to come. Pretty sure Hongjoong didn’t tell you my address.”

Seonghwa paused in the middle of cooking, looking back at you. “I don’t know. Maybe Yunho or Mingi did?”

“Come on, you can stop pretending like you don’t know me, Seonghwa,” you laughed out loud, crazily enough that he watched you the whole time until he was laughing along with you. “I don’t know why I forgot you- you were my friend. My… comfort buddy- is that what I called you?”

“Here to pick up both your and Hongjoong’s mess,” he shook his head, taking the ramen off the stove. “You really remember me?”

“We’ve known each other longer than I’ve known Hongjoong,” you said, spreading your arms and he came forward to hug you, rocking you like you remembered he always did. Then you slapped his back harshly, making him wince. “That’s for all that acting you did around me. 100 points for that. You should try a career in that.”

“I couldn’t risk damaging your brain,” Seonghwa pouted. “I’m sorry, though.”

“That’s okay,” you two sat at the table. “I’m sure it was hard for you too.”

“I missed you, I really did,” Seonghwa’s eyes were sincere and you didn’t doubt it. “When I saw you that day at my apartment, I thought you knew everything and came to kill me.”

You laughed. “I didn’t, but I felt like you were involved somehow too. Thanks for being there for Hongjoong though- is he okay?”

“Well… for the most part, yes,” Seonghwa urged you to eat. “Why did you call me?”

“You must remember Sunmi,” you asked and he nodded. “She sent me everything about the case. I remember… everything now, I think. There are some gaps but I have enough for now.”

“Oh,” Seonghwa whistled. “Hongjoong met with her.”

“I knew it,” you nodded. “What does he know?”

“I told him about how you two met,” Seonghwa said and you nodded. “He recalled the day everything went wrong- you pointing a gun at him.”

“Oh god,” you slumped back. “I need a drink.”

“No, you don’t,” Seonghwa scolded. “What exactly happened, y/n?”

“Can you call him here right now?” You asked and Seonghwa looked at you.

“Are you sure?” Seonghwa asked. “Do you want me to leave when he comes?”

“No, I want you to stay, because if you don’t, I might kill him,” you pursed your lips and Seonghwa frowned in confusion. “He’s the one who involved himself, Seonghwa. We were never supposed to forget about our relationship. He just came at the wrong place, wrong time, and he misunderstood everything. He didn’t let me explain anything. He went ahead and told Sunmi he knew everything about the mission, and they talked it through and he made the decision that he wanted to forget about me too. He decided he would forget about me, which meant I had no way of getting my memories back. He stole my choice, Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa stopped eating, watching you finally break apart and bury your head in your arms as you cried your heart out. He let you be for a few moments before he went to sit next to you, rubbing your back. It all made sense to him now. He made you eat the rest of the noodles and take the medicine.

“You need to sleep it over tonight, y/n,” he insisted. “We can all talk tomorrow.”

“I don’t know,” you were dizzy after all the crying. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“I can call Yunho and Mingi over too. They should know- they’ll help you out a lot, y/n, you really should tell them. They are your best friends, and they still think you made all of that up when you said you were dating.”

You laughed a bit at that. “Might as well have. I don’t know if I can handle telling them everything.”

“I’ll brief them,” he assured you and you nodded. “I’ll ask them to go easy with the questions- I’m sure they’ll have a lot of them.”

“Please,” you groaned, wiping your face. “Can you call them over then?”

Seonghwa nodded. It looked like you weren’t going to get to sleep any time soon. He called the two over, and made you sit in your room while he explained everything, but you felt a bit better so you joined them, letting Seonghwa do the talking. By the time he was done and you showed them the pictures of you and Hongjoong, they looked like they had learned that the world was ending tomorrow.

“I can understand, but at the same time… I got none of this, I’m sorry,” Mingi gave up, getting up and roaming around in the living room and you were almost amused. “First of all, whose genius idea was it to make her a government spy? She can’t even hide when she has a crush!”

“Hey!” You threw the nearest object- your lip balm- at him which he caught. “I did my job right!”

“She was hired because of connections, wasn’t she?” Yunho was going through your file. “Sunmi knew you from when you worked on your book.”

“Ah, no doubt,” Mingi sat down. “She isn’t spy material, just hired because of connections. That makes more sense.”

“She approached me because of the job, read that right,” you kicked Yunho’s leg. “It says my research capabilities from the time I wrote my political crime novel were noteworthy.”

“Whatever,” Yunho mumbled. “I’m going to need 5 business days to process this.”

“And I need 10,” Mingi sighed. “Why did your memories come back?”

“Two reasons,” you said. “Sunmi did a bad job intentionally- she messed with the numbers so her bosses can think it actually happened, but I guess she saved the day. She also thought Hongjoong was making a mistake, because my plan was to go through the mind wipe and have Hongjoong fill in the gaps for me. Sunmi told me I was going to have to forget Hongjoong since he was involved. I think she told me that on purpose- she didn’t like how the government was using us.”

“She’s an angel,” Seonghwa sighed. “Is she safe, though? If the government learns-”

“I think she has leverage,” you thought. “Which is why she sent me all of this. If the world learns that their political leaders were taking advantage of minors who went to AG Entertainment to become trainees… that’s going to destroy Wonderland.”

“I know what your next novel needs to be about,” Mingi scoffed and you shook your head furiously. “You should! It’s going to be like rubbing it on their faces.”

Somehow, the conversation got steered into jokes and teasing, and with that, you found yourself sleeping on the couch, Seonghwa dozed off on the other couch. Yunho and Mingi made sure to take some snaps before they decided to crash on your bed, messing up your room just to annoy you, which they would have an earful about the next day.

Later that day, Hongjoong agreed to meet you by the river- the same place he had gone to. He realised it might have a connection to you too. When he saw you, eyes a bit swollen but still looking pretty, he sighed internally before walking to you.

“Hey,” he pursed his lips, not knowing how to greet you.

“Hey yourself,” you scanned him. “You ghosted me for days.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, sitting next to you on the bench. “I shouldn’t have.”

“You shouldn’t have a lot of things, Hongjoong,” you started. “Are you ready to hear the whole truth? Or do you still believe what you know is the entire truth?”

That was a jab but Hongjoong thought he deserved it after all. And then he heard you out. How you had met Sunmi through your crime novel. How she made you a job offer that had none of the memory wiping in the contract. How you were supposed to befriend Jaebeom, the producer from AG Entertainment and get access into the building and investigate. It was when you and Hongjoong had dated for a year already. You had no idea how KQ and AG were connected, and Hongjoong hadn’t taken you to his studio yet. How he did take you to his studio and it was the first time you two had taken things so far.

“Do you remember that, Hongjoong?” You asked with a faint smile. “I always said you looked hot when you worked.”

“I remember that,” Hongjoong wiped his eyes. “You were so beautiful that day, y/n.”

“You were my first, and you were quite good at it, frankly,” you said and you two laughed for the old time’s sake. “I never knew studio sex could be this hot.”

“Please, you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into,” Hongjoong laughed and you slapped his arm playfully.

“I wish we only had these happy memories to remember,” you sighed after a few moments. “When I saw you at AG, do you have any idea how shocked I was? Do you have any idea what went through my head? All I could think of was what if you were involved? And then I slapped myself because I knew you, Kim Hongjoong. I knew, I believed you would never do something so disgusting.”

“Thanks for believing in me,” Hongjoong sighed, feeling guilt.

“It was hard lying to you, but I passed you so many hints, hoping you would know what to do. It wasn’t supposed to go wrong in so many ways, Hongjoong. First, I found out the politicians were involved. And when my bosses found out, they struck a deal with the politicians. They decided to bury this under the rug, which meant I had to forget about everything that I worked on. The greater good, they said. I think it was also because they needed us to be lab rats for their latest memory wiper,” you mocked. “So what could I do? I decided to go along with it. I would have to forget you, I learned. I made sure I left something so I could recall my memories one day…”

“With me,” Hongjoong finished and you nodded. “You had prepared me for that day.”

“Yet…” you sighed. “I think it was my fault. It would have been too much for you. You couldn't possibly comprehend the whole situation- no one could have. But then one day, Jaebeom called me to AG, pissed to learn about what happened. And he called you too, knowing it would break us. He threatened to kill you if I didn’t make it, so I called Sunmi ahead. When I reached there, me and Jaebeom fought- I fought for my life, for yours-”

You hid your face in your hands, shaking as you recalled that night. The fear that had gone through your bones when he said he would hurt Hongjoong, his threatening voice- you could still feel it ringing in your head. Hongjoong was quick to scoot closer and put his arms around you, holding you as you tried to steady your breathing.

“I snatched the gun from him and pointed at him,” you sighed. “That’s when you came and misunderstood everything. You believed whatever shit Jaebeom spewed because he was the one defenceless, posing as the victim. I can’t get that look out of my head when I saw your trust in me break.”

“I’m so sorry, y/n,” Hongjoong squeezed your hand. “I remember that.”

“I don’t blame you, Hongjoong,” you shook your head. “You knew nothing about what was going on. Whatever I tried to explain to you at that moment, it must have gone over your head. And last night, I wanted to kill you after I learned the whole truth, honestly,” you laughed a bit. “But now… I don’t blame you. You did what you had to.”

“I was an ass, y/n,” Hongjoong shook his head.

“You were,” you nodded, smiling. “You exposed yourself to Sunmi which meant she had no choice but to wipe your memories too. And you were so willing to wipe your memories of me. My last hope, gone, just like that. I woke up without knowing what to do. But I think we have suffered enough, the both of us, haven’t we?”

Hongjoong looked up, tears falling down from his face. “I… I really shouldn’t have done that. If you can believe me, I’ve been beating myself over it for the past few days.”

“I know,” you sighed. “But now… we know the whole truth. And I can understand if you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“Why would I not? I can understand if you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore,” Hongjoong laughed nervously, wiping his eyes. “It was my fault, all of it.”

“It wasn’t any of our fault, let’s just blame the WIS for messing us up. I just don’t like how you didn’t trust me. Not then, not now. You went ahead and talked to Sunmi on your own. What does that say about us, Hongjoong?”

Hongjoong sighed deeply, getting up and you thought he was about to run away but then he was sitting on his knees, in front of you, holding your hands. “That time, and this time… it wasn’t you that I blamed. It was me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I recalled the memory of you pointing your gun at me, asking me to just listen to you. Even though the memory painted you as a villain, I knew, in my heart, that you meant no harm. Just like I knew at that time. I made the mistake of rushing to Sunmi, both the times. I learned what I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for that. I blamed myself for not being there for you. I felt like shit when I learned everything.”

“No, Hongjoong,” you cupped his face. “I should have told you from the beginning. I shouldn’t have used you like that. I understand now why you acted that way- if I was in your shoes, I’m pretty sure I would have done much worse. If you recall… I’m the more impulsive one.”

Hongjoong shook his head. “You’re only blaming yourself, aren’t you? We both messed up, y/n. Whatever happened simply wasn’t supposed to.”

You nodded. He continued. “I missed you so much. You’ve been my best friend, my everything for so long. I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner.”

“No,” you cried. “I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner. I should have done better, I-”

“Don't blame yourself, please,” Hongjoong got up, making you stand so he could hug you. It was like you were in the past at that moment. “I don’t want to see you in pain anymore.”

You hugged Hongjoong back, wrapping your arms around his waist and before you two knew it, you were both crying into the hug. Crying for all the memories you forgot. For the ones you recalled. For the ones that might be lost forever. When you drew back, Hongjoong wiped your face and kissed your forehead.

“I can understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore,” Hongjoong looked like he was in actual pain as he said that. “I’ve broken your trust. I’ve let you down.”

You scanned his face. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

You took him home and showed him the files and then the USB which had all of your digital memories stored. You both spent the whole night recalling everything, just like old friends, eating ice cream through the bucket, filling the memory gaps for each other. Hongjoong had most of his memories back too.

“I heard from Seonghwa how he told you about the first time we met,” you smiled, searching through the files again and opening the photo of you and Hongjoong wearing ice skates, clinging on to each other for support. “We ditched the party and messed around all night.”

“I’ve never done that,” Hongjoong laughed. “I rarely go to parties. I think going to that party was the best decision I made in my whole life.”

“And I rarely ditch the party with a random stranger and stay out until dawn,” you countered, smiling. “The 3 am hour does something to us, doesn’t it?”

“Our first kiss,” Hongjoong smiled. “We decided to try being friends first because we both believed the 3 am hours make us do weird things, but…”

“We really sucked at staying friends,” you laughed, pushing your hair back as you looked at him- you were sitting across each other on the couch, the laptop on the table. “Do you think we could stay friends now if we tried?”

“I think you think that I can’t keep my hands off of you,” Hongjoong raised a brow.

“I know for a fact that I can’t,” you looked at the clock. “Gosh, it's 3 am again.”

Hongjoong laughed. “Should we really be making such decisions at 3 am?”

“I don’t know,” you pouted. “I say fuck it-”

Hongjoong was quick to climb across the couch and capture your mouth in a kiss, drawing back to check if it was okay with you. You pushed him back, showing him the ice cream bucket still in your hands, placed it on the table and cupped his face, kissing him back, his arms immediately wrapping around your waist as he brought you on top of him. The intensity of the kiss was different, this time with those long forgotten memories and emotions resurfacing, trying to hold yourselves together, trying not to break apart because what happened to you two was sad.

When you did draw apart for breath, you hugged him, burying your nose in the crook of his neck. “I don’t want to forget you ever again, Kim Hongjoong. You’re the only one for me.”

Hongjoong groaned in relief. “I’m glad… I’m glad that you forgive me.”

You drew apart, slapping his arm. “I still think you can be a major ass, but… I think we can work this out. What do you think?”

Hongjoong tucked your hair behind your ears, caressing your face lovingly. “I think… I think we were meant to be with each other, really. After all, we found each other again, didn’t we? On a train from Sector 1, of all the places!”

You smiled. “Does that mean we are meant to be?”

“Maybe,” Hongjoong smiled. “Shall we try and find out?”

You kissed him as your answer. You could definitely try again.

#i hope this didn't suck as much as i think it does #hongjoong x reader #kim hongjoong x reader #hongjoong fluff #hongjoong angst #hongjoong smut #kim hongjoong fluff #kim hongjoong imagines #kim hongjoong scenarios #kim hongjoong angst #kim hongjoong smut #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez smut

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moonchildstyles · 2 years

Note

spare aster going bare for the first time miss moon?🥸

Hey I absolutely LOVE your work! Can you please please please write aster first time without a condom! Thank you!!!!

Okay but what about aster y/n allowing Harry to cum in her for the first time?

wordcount: 23k+

—————

"We've gotta leave soon, baby. Are y'almost ready?"

(Y/N) flicked her gaze from the adjustments she was making to her hair to where Harry was lent against the threshold of the hotel bathroom, brows raised in question. He was already dressed and ready to go as far as she could tell; the black satin of his shirt glinted in the vanity light, barely buttoned to the mid of his torso to allow the majority of his tattoos to be on display (she had asked him if it was really appropriate to show up to a wedding basically shirtless, and he had only shrugged saying that no one would be looking at him anyway as soon as the ceremony started). A pair of black fitted trousers covered his legs, stretching around his thighs and making his legs seem all that much longer, matching the black coat he had over his shoulders. The only pops of color came in the form of the baby pink nail polish on his fingers and the suede boots in a matching pastel shade, coordinating with the dress that covered (Y/N)'s own figure. Rings glinted on his fingers with glimmering jewels and brassy bands as he ran them through his hair, the length curling towards his collarbones.

If not for the nerves bubbling in her tummy, she was almost sure she could have melted at the sight of him alone. But, there was only so much space in her head for him to occupy when she was busy trying to steady her shaky hands.

"Mhm," she squeaked, wiring a smile onto her face as she plucked at her hair. If this one baby hair would just lay down—

"Y'alright, lovebug?" Harry asked, stepping into the bathroom with the click of his shoes echoing over the tile.

It was a familiar question she'd heard wrapped up in his voice over a hundred times at this point. The sound was enough to make the smile on her lips turn genuine. He knew her, sometimes a little too well.

"I'm okay, yeah," she said, finding some minuscule error in her makeup to distract herself.

Even without the sound of his boots approaching behind her, (Y/N) wouldn't have been able to ignore the static of his presence. Casting her gaze from the makeup bag on the counter, (Y/N) found him peering over her shoulder with his lips pursed and brows furrowed before Harry slipped an arm around her waist.

"Jus' okay?" he hummed, watching as she plucked up a spare brush and swept it over her eyelids, "Are y'nervous?"

A humorless smile stretched over (Y/N)'s lips. She was sure it wasn't a huge surprise for him to have sussed out that she wasn't feeling the most secure, but it still made her feel more embarrassed than anything.

"Maybe," she settled on, her voice quiet just between the two of them.

His arm around her waist tightened, fingers denting her skin through the fabric of her dress. She could already imagine the tint of concern that was no doubt taking over his irises as he spoke, "What's making y'nervous, hm?"

The noncommittal answer of "Everything," slipped from between her lips as she resumed her fussing of her hair.

"Baby," he cooed to her, pressing a kiss to her temple, the sliver of his lip ring pinging against her skin, "I thought y'liked weddings."

The mention of the day's plans didn't help much to settle (Y/N), her attention drifting to the strap of her dress—another thing to fuss with.

It wasn't that (Y/N) wasn't excited to go to the wedding—she loved weddings actually! She'd only been to a few growing up, but as soon as she realized what they were all about, her hopelessly romantic heart was gone for them—, she was just nervous. (Surprise, surprise!). Meeting Harry's extended family was going to be a big step, and she didn't want to intrude on such a joyous occasion for his family. As far as she knew, Harry hadn't seen this particular stretch of family in a couple of years, but had been eager to RSVP as soon as he received the invitation in the mail. She didn't want to take away from that moment by clinging to him all night.

"I do like weddings," she argued, voice soft, "It's just... I don't know. I've only met your mom, and I talked to your sister once over FaceTime. Now, I'm meeting your whole family and going to a wedding I wasn't exactly invited to."

The pinch in Harry's brows deepened at her words. "Of course y'were invited, love. The invitation included a plus one, and I know mum made sure to mention to Serena that I was bringing m'girlfriend."

As silly as it was, just hearing Harry refer to her as his girlfriend made her heart flutter. It never got old.

"But, they don't know me, and I'm going to one of the most important days of their lives. I don't want to mess anything up or take away from it all."

Harry stopped her busy fingers then, taking his tattooed hands and lacing his fingers through hers to halt her fidgeting. His eyes were clear and unwavering as he looked at her through the mirror. "You're not going to mess anything up, okay? You're not going to take away from the day, or make it any less important. When mum told Serena, she told me that Serena was so excited, that everyone's heard so much about y'since y'came home with me and they can't wait to meet you, and see why mum hasn't stopped talking about you. They want y'there, baby—not as much as I want y'to be there, but close enough."

A smile crept onto the edges of his lips as he spoke, his reassuring words turning affectionate as he watched her through the reflection. (Y/N) couldn't help her own smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. Bits and pieces of the icy nerves that had flaked down like snow in her stomach melted away as he spoke. Mounds of those nerves still remained in banks in her system, but he melted them away slowly and sweetly, knowing just what to say to her even if it took time for her to come to the same conclusion.

"You mean that?" she murmured, voice quiet between them.

"Of course I mean that, my love," he mumbled, pressing a soft kiss to the side of her head, "You're only going to make today that much better for everyone. Especially me. I promise."

(Y/N) pulsed her hand in Harry's, fingers tightening between his as she soaked in his sentiment. "Thank you, H."

His smile could be felt against her temple, soothing (Y/N) even further. She liked making him happy.

"Feeling any better, love?" Harry's smile only spread wider when (Y/N) nodded her head, her hair fluttering around his face. "Good," he cooed against her skin, "Was worried y'weren't gonna let me take y'out and show y'off while you're looking so pretty. If it wasn't for the bride, I'd think all the attention would be on you."

"Stop it," she smiled, shaking her head before turning in his arms and tucking herself against his chest, "You're not supposed to say that. Today's about your cousin."

"Not for me, it isn't," Harry countered, his arms slipping around her form and cuddling her close to his frame, "As far as 'm concerned, everyday's about you, lovebug."

(Y/N) didn't know what else to say but a small, "I love you," that fell from her lips.

With her ear pressed to his chest, the flutter of Harry's heart echoed in her head.

It only took a moment for Harry to press a settling kiss to the top of her head before he spoke into her hair, "I love you too, (Y/N)."

As she pressed herself closer to his chest, (Y/N) swore she heard his heart beat in time with the words that fell from his mouth.

—————

(Y/N) tried her best to feign confidence as they strode into the wedding venue, trying her best to keep her eyes forward and from falling to her feet where she itched to draw her attention. Harry's hand was held tight in her own, just the way it had been since he opened the car door for her with a smile and a small question of "Ready?" being murmured to her. Beside her, Harry walked with his head high, the sunlight reflecting off the black shades covering his eyes as he led her towards the quaint winery both the ceremony and reception were taking place in.

Luckily, they seemed to have arrived at the perfect moment to calm (Y/N)'s nerves, none of Harry's family members pulling in and joining them in the parking lot, leaving only the click of her heels on the pavement to echo through the space. Up ahead, the aged wooden doors of the winery were splayed open, giving a peek at the interior swathed in the creamy pastels and deep accents that had been used on the wedding invitation they received eight weeks earlier.

"That's a pretty color, don't y'think?" Harry murmured to her as they scaled the short set of stairs leading to the winery, "That peach color."

The smile that plucked at the corners of her lips felt tight as (Y/N) nodded her head. "Yeah, it is pretty. I like how it looks with the green."

Harry hummed at her words, a light smile playing at his own lips that was worlds more genuine than (Y/N)'s. His hand never left hers as he tugged her to the guest book, signing his own name before allowing (Y/N) to add hers right beside his. As they walked through the winery, following the directions given by one of the venue's staff to the private room for the ceremony, (Y/N) noticed each of the details. Flowers were dotted all over the space, sticking with the colors of peach and green with grey swathes of ribbon tying it all together. Bits and pieces of Serena and her soon-to-be husband's love story were framed on the walls, their smiling and love struck faces maturing as (Y/N) watched their love grow through each frame until the final photograph came in the form of the wedding proposal before the hallway opened up to the private room.

Rows of chairs were stationed in the center of the room, right in front of the trellised alter, more flowers braided through the white picketing. An olive green runway was laid out in the middle of the chairs, soon to be dotted with peach colored petals just before the bride made her descent down the aisle. The space was beautiful, (Y/N) feeling her own heart softening as she allowed her imagination to runaway as she imagined the kind of love story that would warrant such a breathtaking celebration.

But, her heart could only soften so much when she took note of the amount of strangers in the room. Those on the groom's side of the ceremony were complete strangers, not a single recognizable face or familiar feature, but that wasn't what was causing her heart to speed up in the most unpleasant of ways. That side of the wedding still made her nervous of course (complete strangers were not the most comforting thing in the world to her), but they had nothing on the bride's half.

That side of the room was where she found familiar features on unfamiliar faces, a family resemblance stringing along each of these people that reminded her in glimmers of the man beside her. This was Harry's family, distant relatives as well as close family members that helped make him into the person he was today. And she was to meet all of them today, and hopefully give both a good and lasting first impression.

If all went well, these people could be at her wedding one day, so she wanted to gain the same support they were showing to Serena today.

That was a lot of pressure.

Sticking close to Harry's side, (Y/N) wanted nothing more than to find their seats before the ceremony began, hoping that they had timed everything perfectly leaving little room for any kind of small talk before the bride was to walk down the aisle. But, she could never be so lucky, (Y/N) decided when she saw an older man's face light up when he caught sight of Harry.

She watched as the man nudged the woman next to him, her own lips tugging into a bright smile when she was directed in Harry's direction before they excused themselves from their seats and made way to where Harry was still leading her to one of the rows on Serena's side of the room.

"Harry!" the man called, voice traveling through the room, "Look at you! I haven't seen you in ages!"

The curls at Harry's shoulders fluttered around his face as he whipped his head in the direction of his relative, recognition already lighting up his eyes at the sound of the familiar voice. "Uncle Mark," Harry greeted, dimples on display as he rerouted (Y/N) with a tug of his hand.

Though it made the gesture more complicated, Harry kept his hand clasped around (Y/N)'s as he reached his free arm around Uncle Mark's shoulders, a half hug in greeting.

"Your mum said you'd grown out your hair even longer, but I hadn't believed her," Uncle Mark laughed, eyes following the curls that stopped at the line of Harry's collarbones, "I was worried you had let it grow down to your ass, and we were all going to have to pretend not to notice so Serena didn't get her feelings hurt when we weren't paying attention to her."

Harry shook his head, an easy laugh falling from his lips as the hoop pierced his lip wobbled at the motion. "No, no. I think this is the longest I can handle it," Harry started before nudging (Y/N) with his shoulder, his smile turning teasing, "Besides, I've already got enough of a problem with the shower drain where she's involved, I don't need to add to it."

(Y/N) felt the apples of her cheeks heat at his words, more at the implication that she spent enough time at his house—in his shower—to be causing problems like that, than the fact he had said her hair clogged his shower drain (which was still rude to tell, even if she was distracted with other facets of this conversation). Before she could sputter out any counter argument, the woman who had followed after Uncle Mark waved her hand dismissively at the talking men.

"Don't listen to them, dear," she said with a roll of her eyes, the kind of teasing tone only a mother and wife could pull off tinting her words, "I haven't seen Mark actually fix the shower drain—or anything in the bathroom—in at least a decade, so I don't know why he's laughing. And, Harry, you should be nice and at least introduce her before you make those kinds of jokes."

The gentle scolding was enough for Harry's grin to shudder to a lopsided smile before he looked down at (Y/N), something like pride leaking into his gaze. "I know, you're right, Aunt Sara. This is (Y/N). She's m'girlfriend."

The heart shaped bubble that bobbled in her stomach was enough to quell her worries in that moment. She really liked being introduced like this, pride in Harry's voice along with the title of being his girlfriend.

Swallowing through her dry mouth, (Y/N) held her free hand out with a practiced smile on her face. "Nice to meet you both," she greeted, her voice leveled and reminiscent of the days where her parents had taught her 'proper manners'.

Uncle Mark's subsequent smile held something familiar, a crook in the curve that was reminiscent of Harry's mom's smile. "Its nice to meet you, (Y/N). My sister hasn't stopped talking about the week you came out to visit for months, so I'm happy I finally have more than a single picture to place to a name. Thank you for coming to my daughter's big day."

Before (Y/N) had a chance to respond, Aunt Sara beat her out with a fawning gush of praise, "You're just as pretty as Anne said! You and Harry make the perfect little couple, all of that opposites attract thing. Thank you for coming, dear."

It was Aunt Sara that tugged her in for a soft hug, an arm falling around (Y/N)'s shoulders as she was pulled into the woman's embrace. (Y/N)'s hands stammered, her grip on Harry's hand hesitantly falling before she reciprocated the cuddle.

"Th-Thank you for having me," (Y/N) stuttered when released from the hug, looking between both Mark and Sara with a stilted smile, "The space is so beautiful already; Serena and Aaron are very lucky."

Just as Uncle Mark made a move to grumble about how the venue better be pretty, because the price of all these flowers, Aunt Sara made the kind of pouted face one made when seeing an adorably sweet puppy. "You are too sweet, (Y/N), thank you. We're so happy you and Harry are here, I ca—"

Before she could say much more, a girl who had to be one of the bridesmaids if her peach colored dress was anything to go by, rushed through the ceremony space with a tight smile on her face. She approached the group of them with a careful smile, a hand landing on Sara's shoulder to steal her attention.

"Can you come to the bridal room with me? Serena is having a... bride moment and won't talk to anyone that isn't you or her dad," the girl shared, her tone hushed though it was hard to hide much when all attention was on her.

Aunt Sara heaved a sigh and nodded, telling the bridesmaid she'd be back there in a moment. Turning her attention to the pair of them, Sara gave an apologetic smile. "We have to go, but please, if we're not back before the ceremony, we'd love to see you both again at the reception. Thank you for coming, and it was wonderful to meet you, (Y/N)."

Watching Harry's aunt and uncle make their exit, a pressure was lifted from (Y/N)'s chest. While it wasn't much, she had two less first impressions to make today, and she'd like to think those went fairly well even if her well-mannered facade cracked in some spots. With their path cleared, Harry resumed their trek to a pair of tulle draped seats for the ceremony.

Although (Y/N) had been preparing herself for every and any worst case scenario tied to this wedding, she hadn't really anticipated the kind of world she had stepped into when crossing into the venue. She knew her own family was worlds away from being considered 'normal', something she learned through the facial expressions given by Harry and Sarah any time she mentioned something from her childhood or an odd (re: self-stifling) quirk she learned from her parents, but seeing the way Harry acted with his relatives was something of a culture shock. Of course, she'd seen the familiarity and casualness he'd exhibited around his mother, but even the short interaction they'd had with his aunt and uncle was different than anything she could ever see herself having with her own relatives.

His Uncle Mark casually used a swear word in conversation with his nephew and beside his wife, and didn't at all seem phased when Harry implied how often his unwed girlfriend stayed at his place. The mention of such intimate domesticity in front of others hadn't even perturbed Aunt Sara or kept her from joining in on the teasing. And the hug. Aunt Sara had hugged her before she'd even truly met her. The walls (Y/N) was so used to separating herself from her own family with hadn't been there as she stood in front of his relatives, an odd shift she hadn't anticipated at all. And they seemed to like her—really like her. Even when she wasn't at the top of her manners and had stuttered her way through her thanks, they hadn't offered a sharp glance to Harry or scoffed under their breath.

It was... easy talking to them.

As much as (Y/N) wanted to hang onto that revelation, take it as a victory, the cautionary anxiety that had wrapped her up the second they had driven out here the day before to check into their hotel for the weekend wouldn't let her do as much. This might have been easy, but she couldn't base the rest of the day on that interaction.

It was Harry's hand squeezing hers as he pulled her down a row of chairs that pulled her from the trellis she was braiding in her head. She found him turning to look at her once he found a pair that didn't seem to be reserved by any purses or jackets, tugging her to sit on the aisle seat, away from any strangers.

"Look at you, baby," he murmured as he sat down next to her, "Y'survived. 'M proud of you."

"Barely," she countered, the word floating under her breath.

Harry shook his head with a laugh, slinging his arm around the back of her chair with his fingers dangling over her shoulder. "Aunt Sara's already obsessed with you, I promise. If not for the wedding starting in twenty minutes, 'm sure she would have grabbed y'to be a bridesmaid."

"I don't know about that," she said, struggling to keep the smile from her lips as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

"Well, I do," Harry countered, dipping his head close to her ear as the words washed over her skin, the affection in his tone seeping into her system. "Gonna have the whole family in love with y'by the end of the night. 'M worried 'm gonna have to prove m'worth to keep m'spot as your boyfriend."

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, turning her head to meet his gaze so he could glimpse at what his teasing was doing to her smile. "Just tell everyone about how I apparently clog your shower drain all the time with my hair. I'm sure that'll keep them away."

A loud laugh escaped Harry's lips, his arm around her shoulders squeezing as he tugged her to his side. Shaking his head, he returned his attention to her with a pink hue rising to the apples of his cheeks, "I was only teasing, m'love—'s not all the time, more like once every couple of months, at this point."

"You're so mean to me, H," (Y/N) whispered, the insult losing all of its grit as it traveled through her smile.

"Am I? Am I really, angel?" he murmured, dipping his head closer to hers as dimples popped into his cheeks.

For a split second, with Harry's attention focused squarely on her in all of his eyelined glory, (Y/N) almost didn't care about the countless relatives and strangers filling the room. She wanted to kiss him and tell him she loved him and that there was no where else she'd rather be than with him.

And, she was pretty sure she would have done just that if they hadn't been interrupted by the sound of a voice she'd only ever heard through FaceTime.

"Harry! You finally bring your girlfriend around and the first person you go to isn't me? Your sister who you haven't seen in almost a year?"

Looking up from the faux-privacy they had curated in the middle of the winery, (Y/N) found the newly-unpixelated face of Gemma Styles.

From the corner of her eye, the shape of Harry's lips curved upward before he tugged her to stand up with him. A short glance was shot her way, but (Y/N) knew what he was asking her. Ready? she could hear echoed in his voice.

Looking to the woman that had the same green eyes as her Harry, with a single dimple denting into the apple of her cheek that was more than familiar, (Y/N) knew she wasn't entirely ready, but she was going to be no matter what.

Harry squeezed her hand, tugging her to his side before speaking, "Gems, I was jus' about to go and find you..."

She could do this.

—————

(Y/N) found it hard to draw her gaze away from the newly wed couple as they pranced down the aisle with bright smiles on their faces and a sheen of tears covering their eyes. Applause followed after the couple along with the wedding party, chatter beginning to rise among the guests.

The ceremony had been beautiful, the couple having written their own vows to share with one another. (Y/N) had known she was going to get emotional during the exchange no matter what, but she hadn't anticipated tearing up as soon as she saw the groom's reaction to Serena, clad in a sleek white gown as she descended the aisle. It was the way his face had immediately turned a shade of red and his eyes filled with tears as his best man clapped a hand on his shoulder in support, seemingly breath-taken at the sight of his bride. That was what had done it for (Y/N).

From then on, she was consistently trying to keep her own tears from spilling over the edge of her waterline and disrupting the makeup she had fussed over that morning. As soon as Harry noticed, he was more than happy to become her comfort for the duration of the ceremony, his arm around her shoulder tightening and his once free hand came to settle on her thigh in a comforting grip. His hold was a reassuring one, something he'd done for her no less than a hundred times when cuddling during a movie or wrapped up in the sheets of his bed after a long day. He was her rock.

But, it wasn't until the ceremony had come to an end that he spoke to her, his voice quiet under all the chatter, "Y'alright, lovebug?"

Using her fingertips to gently cater to her tears, (Y/N) nodded her head, voice matching the hushed volume of her Harry's. "Yeah, it was all just really pretty. You can tell they really love each other."

A tender smile tugged at Harry's lips, affection seeping into his features. "Yeah. Y'can."

Harry's gaze lingered on her for a moment longer before he tugged her from her seat, his arm around her shoulder falling to grab at her hand. They had about an hour and a half of wait time while the space was renovated to now hold the reception, some guests moving to the patio area out in the back of the winery while others headed towards the front exit to do whatever else. Harry pulled her to join him in the group moving towards the patio, his eyes scanning for his mom who he hadn't had a chance to talk to before the ceremony started.

Spotting an empty cocktail table, he towed (Y/N) behind him, opting to text his mom as he hadn't found her out in the patio space. Fitting herself against his side, (Y/N) looked out at the guests that followed them out to the back of the winery, grateful that she'd met at least a few of the previously unfamiliar faces. Sitting through the ceremony had allowed her attention to sway from the nerves in her stomach, giving her time to settle and enjoy the fact Harry had brought her to a wedding as his date; this was something she wanted to be excited about, feel butterflies over the fact he invited her to something like this at all, and she'd barely given herself a moment to feel even a shred of giddiness over it.

"Mum's staying back and helping them clean up, but she said she'll be back to see us before the reception," Harry told her, tucking his phone away before leaning with his elbows on the tabletop to curl his body around hers, a gentle smile on his face, "And she wanted me to tell y'that she loves your dress and y'look really pretty."

A heat flustered behind (Y/N)'s cheeks, keening under his attention. It was one thing to receive those kinds of compliments from Harry, someone who she knew loved her and would always go out of his way to make her feel good, but it was something different to have someone like his mom reiterate those sentiments. She felt a different kind of confidence hearing those words from her. "Really?"

His grin went lopsided as he gazed at her, a single dimple in his cheek as the lilypad-green of his eyes pursued the bashful expression on her face. "Really, baby,"

Dropping her eyes to where her hands were tracing over the wrought iron designs of the patio table they were stationed at, she felt her smile stretch even wider, "I'll have to tell her thank you then when I see her."

Harry hummed in response, scooting that much closer to her with the curtain of his hair creating faux privacy in the middle of the courtyard. "She's right, anyway. Y'look so pretty, you're breaking m'heart."

(Y/N) didn't know what to say, feeling her skin prickle and cheeks heat at his compliments. The butterflies in her tummy were a breed all of their own, the kind that only popped up when Harry was so sweet on her at a wedding. He was making it way too easy for those butterflies in her tummy to flood to her head and make her believe this could someday play out again at a different wedding—one where she planned everything and was the one in the white dress.

"Harry," she breathed out, the call of his name a whisper that worked its way through her smile.

An all too smug smile kinked at the corners of his lopsided grin, making him look way too satisfied to have received her shy reaction. "You're so sweet, baby," he said, bumping his hip against her side, "What did y'think about Serena's dress?"

She was grateful for the change in topic, needing a moment to get the fluttering in her chest under control so she didn't look like a vibrating chihuahua by the time Harry's mom came around. "It was really pretty; I liked the train," she settled, nodding her head as she remembered the long, lace train that followed after Serena as she walked down the aisle.

Another hum worked its way out of Harry's throat, like he was contemplating her words.

"Is that the kind of dress y'like? With the long train and everything?" he asked, his eyes clear and intense against the black kohl on his waterline.

(Y/N) was caught off guard at the line of question he opened up. Before the butterflies in her tummy could rile themselves up again, she wanted to double check what exactly he was asking.

"Like, as a wedding dress?"

"Mhm."

"Oh," she sounded, rolling her lips between her teeth as if she were afraid of the kind of smile that was threatening to split her lips and make her cheeks ache. "Um, I don't know. Maybe? I like the idea of having a train, but I think it would be a lot to keep track of. And,"—she swallowed, dropping her gaze to Harry's tattooed wrist from where he lent over the table with his chin in his palm, "I-I've always kind of pictured myself in something bigger; a big skirt with lots of tulle, or satin, or whatever I end up liking."

This wasn't the first time they'd talked about weddings, or even getting married (nothing quite as blunt as the night she overheard him talking to his mom about when he wanted to propose), but he'd never asked for details like this. The prospect of that kind of future was always spoken about in the abstract, with offhand comments about a someday, or a one day. But this, the blunt mention of the rest of their lives made her feel like her heart was about to jump out of her throat and there was too much energy in her body to be contained. If she could jump around and scream without anyone giving her odd looks, she would have.

Harry's face molded into a soft smile though his eyes turned a bit dreamy. "Yeah, I can see that. Like one of those princess kind of dresses, right?"

This time, (Y/N) hadn't bothered to bite back her smile. "Yeah, something like that."

His dimple sunk deeper into his cheek as his eyes fell from her own and traced down the length of her body. "I've always pictured y'in a pink color, too. Those blush dresses, or whatever they're called."

While he was right in his assumption ((Y/N) loved seeing those pink dresses on those wedding dress television shows, the blush shades always being her favorite), she couldn't get over the first half of his thought: he had pictured what she would look like on her wedding day.

And, the way he said it made it sound like it was more than once. That he'd thought about what she would look like going down the aisle, and had 'always' seen her in a blush colored gown.

Shifting her gaze to land on the script tattoo on his hand, the words spelling out 'love me please?'taking her attention as she fought to keep her head on straight. "Yeah, actually," she murmured, "I really like those dresses."

"That would be really pretty, baby," he said, keeping his own voice low between the two of them, "I don't know what y'had in mind, but I've always seen us getting married outside, in a garden or something. I think the pink would be really pretty in a place like that."

In that moment, (Y/N) became conscious of her breathing, making an effort to take in each breath and ease out the exhales. If not for that awareness, she was halfway sure that she would have passed out. Or burst into tears—but there was no ruling out that outcome, yet.

"I-I like that idea, yeah," she squeaked, keeping her eyes trained on the tattoo on his hand in hopes of focusing her rattling brain, "What else have you pictured for o-our wedding?"

Our wedding.

"Mmm," Harry hummed, (Y/N) not even needing to see his face to know he was pursing his lips and hooding his eyes in thought, "Don't have everything figured out, but I have a few ideas. I think it'd be small, yeah? Something just for us and a few people who are important to us, but mostly private. 'M not sure about the colors, but I figured we'd do something soft for you. Lots of flowers, too; some in your hair, if y'liked something like that. I don't know everything, but I know we'd be really happy."

(Y/N) knew it was a wise choice not to rule out tears when she felt the backs of her eyes begin to burn and a lump form in her throat. She couldn't look at him if she wanted to keep a hold on her control, keep herself from embarrassing herself in front of Harry's family, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted to know what he looked like when he spoke like that, telling her that the one thing he knew for sure was that they would be happy. On their wedding day.

She found him gazing at her with something that could only be described as tender affection in his eyes, a soft-lipped grin on his face. He was admiring her, that was the only name she could put to a look like that.

The second he saw the tears that had gathered in her eyes, Harry shifted on his stance. He crowded around her, orbiting around her to place himself in front of her, shielding her from the rest of the wedding guests as he tucked her into his chest.

"Lovebug," he cooed, his smile dampening into a pout.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," she rushed, shaking her head before settling her hands on his chest, "I promise, I'm okay. I-I just really like your ideas. Our wedding sounds really nice."

Bringing a gentle hand to her cheek, Harry brushed his thumb over the height of her cheekbone. Though she could still see all of his concern swimming in his eyes, he made an effort to fit a lopsided smile on his lips. "I like hearing y'say that. Talking about our wedding, and everything."

(Y/N) nodded her head, aware of the tendrils of hair that floated around her face at the motion. "I do, too."

A beat passed, Harry's gaze trained on her while (Y/N) fought to keep her tears at bay. (She barely had any mascara left on her lower lashes, and she needed to preserve it for the reception if she wanted to look nice meeting the rest of his family). The cradle of his hand on her cheek soldified then, stabilizing her as he lent down and pressed a tentative kiss to the corner of her lips.

"I love you, baby. So much." The sentiment was whispered across her skin, sinking into her system and quelling the buzz that tickled her veins.

A smile cracked her lips, rounding her cheek out into the palm of his hand. His hold was warm, careful, and tender. Safe. All the words she would use to describe the love of her life.

"I love you too, H."

The pure elation that filled his gaze was enough to make (Y/N) want to spend the rest of the day telling him those words over and over again. And she would have, if a neatly manicured hand hadn't curled around Harry's shoulder from behind.

"There you two are! I've been looking everywhere!" It was Anne, the voice familiar and enough to knock (Y/N) out of her stupor and for Harry to reluctantly draw his gaze from her.

"Mum," he sighed, a small smile filling his face when he caught sight of his mom, "I was wondering when y'would show up."

Anne waved off his words, "I told you I would come find you before the reception. I didn't interrupt anything, though, did I?"

Her familiar green eyes swooped between the two of them, Harry having shifted to a much more acceptable hold on (Y/N) with only their hands linked and sides pressed together. Though, (Y/N) was sure she still held remnants of their embrace in the glisten of her eyes and the soft set of each of her muscles that called for her to lean all over Harry.

"No," Harry started, chancing a quiet look in (Y/N)'s direction, "We were jus' talking about the wedding."

(Y/N) didn't bother to hide her smile at his words.

He meant their wedding.

—————

(Y/N) startled when she felt someone bump into her shoulder. The hand she had around her flute of sparkling apple juice (they passed it around during speeches for anyone underage and Harry made a point to grab one for her when he saw her eyeing the tray) tightened as she jumped. Gemma had just left for the bathroom, and Harry was supposed to be out on the dance floor with his mom.

Before she had a chance to peep at who now filled the seat beside her, her new companion murmured, "What's a girl like you doing sitting here all alone?"

At the sound of the voice, (Y/N)'s muscles relaxed on instinct. She knew that voice—loved that voice.

Unwilling to fight off the smile tugging at her lips, she twisted in her seat to face Harry who looked every bit the part of flirty bachelor he was trying to portray. With his chin in his palm, lopsided, smug smile on his mouth and his tongue playing with he hoop pierced through his lip, the only thing that gave him away was the affection seeping into his gaze, the kind that only simmered when unconditional love was involved.

"I'm just waiting for my boyfriend," she said, playing along with his game.

Harry hummed, his eyes tracing over her features and dropping down the curve of her neck before traveling back to match her own. "I see. I can't believe he'd leave y'here, though. Looking too pretty to not have all his attention."

Shaking her head, (Y/N) felt her cheeks heat at his words. "He gives me a lot of attention," she murmured, "He just got busy for a second."

"Yeah? He treats y'right?" The grin on Harry's lips sunk deeper as he raised a brow at her.

"He does, yeah. He takes really good care of me," she started, thinking of the way he fussed over her before the reception, helping her fix her hair and makeup from her moment in the courtyard, "He's my best friend." A beat passed. "He's really cute, too."

The dimples denting the apples of Harry's cheeks grew deeper as she spoke, his foot nudging hers under the table. "He sounds pretty special to you," he said, his lip ring bobbing with a flick of his tongue, "That probably means y'won't give me a kiss, huh? Love him too much?"

"I don't know," (Y/N) smiled, wrapping her own ankle around his as she scooted that much closer to him, "I think he might let me kiss you. You're pretty sweet."

The smugness that molded his features fell at her words, leaving behind only the genuine curl of his lips and rounded edges of his features as he gazed at her tenderly. "C'mere, baby."

"Oh, are we done playing?" (Y/N) asked, listening to his direction and inching close enough that her thigh pressed against his.

"Mhm," he hummed, stretched his free arm to lay along the back of (Y/N)'s chair, crowding around her, "Jus' us now."

Harry didn't offer a moment for her to respond before he ducked his head, and pressed a sweet kiss to the soft of her cheek, just barely grazing the corner of her mouth. Aware of the fact his family made up the crowd all around them, (Y/N) placed her hand on his chest, a quiet reminder to please be careful. His smile could be felt against her skin as he lingered, her message conveyed.

The tip of Harry's nose skimmed the height of her cheekbone as he ghosted over the planes of her face, bringing his lips to her ear before whispering, "You're m'best friend, too, (Y/N)."

If not for the audience around the room, (Y/N) would have melted into his chest, curling into his hold and falling into the daydream he was pulling her into with words alone. As much fun as she was having spending time with his mom and sister, and having fun at the first wedding she'd been to in years, this moment made her wonder how much longer they'd be here until she could be alone with him again. How much longer until she could be wrapped up in his arms and kiss him the way she wanted without prying eyes.

After pressing a single kiss to the space before her ear, a small smile on his lips, Harry slipped out of his seat. (Y/N) watched him with her mouth in a small gape, already missing his presence and the feel of his warm enveloping her.

Harry only cracked a small smile before he held his hand out, black polished nails gleaming in the romantic lighting filling the winery's banquet hall. "Why don't y'come dance with me?"

(Y/N) practically popped out of her seat like a bunny, eagerly grabbing his offered hand. Usually, it was her that was trying to convince him to dance—most of the time while she was a little tipsy after a few glasses of wine—, so this was new for her. Harry let out a breathy laugh as she nodded her head, entirely too excited to be about to dance at a family wedding. As she followed along behind him, (Y/N) tuned into the music selected by the DJ for the first time since the couple's first dance together, noticing it was another slow song, one she didn't recognize but sounded vaguely familiar. Probably from one of the many playlists Harry crafted in her dedication.

And, he wanted to dance with her to this.

Out on the floor, (Y/N) spotted Anne dancing with her brother, a beaming smile on her face as they no doubt talked about how wonderful the ceremony was and all of the details that went into the makeup of the venue. Gemma apparently had been corralled by her boyfriend after her bathroom trip, an adoring smile on his face as he gazed down at her as she spoke. The couple of the day was sequestered to the smallest corner of the floor, Serena's forehead pressing into the curve of her new husband's throat, having only left the dance floor once for food before wrapping themselves around each other and swaying to songs only they heard.

It was when Harry wrapped his arms around her waist, tugging her close with a flexing of his forearms and his fingers making soft dents into her form, that she realized she would get to join that scene—that scene filled with love and adoration.

"Hold me, angel," Harry murmured to her through his smile, making her realize in her lovestruck daze, she hadn't moved to reciprocate his hold.

"Oh, sorry," she peeped, linking her arms around his neck, the length of his curls tangled through her fingers and tickling her skin.

"'S okay, don't be sorry," he told her, ducking his head down to her ear, "But, I do want to know what y'were thinking about that got y'so distracted."

With his grip on her waist, Harry started swaying them in time with the music, the fluff of her skirt fluttering around them. (Y/N) took advantage of her looped arms to inch herself closer to him, cocooning herself in his presence as much as she could without completely clinging to him.

"Nothing," she whispered, "Just you and all. Thank you for bringing me."

"Of course, baby," he said, pressing his cheek to hers in place of planting a kiss to the skin, "No one else I'd rather have here with me. Besides, Mitch wouldn't cuddle with me tonight like I know y'will."

(Y/N) reared back, a small smile on her face as she caught his eye. "Is that what we're doing tonight at the hotel?"

Harry's mouth turned lopsided in a self-satisfied grin. His eyes traced over her features, perusing the planes of her face with tender affection. "Maybe after a few other things, but we'll see."

She should've known he would respond with something like that when she opened that avenue of conversation, but she still felt her cheeks fill with warmth as if she had no idea. Of course he would imply something like that.

But, if (Y/N) was being one hundred percent honest, she couldn't lie and say the same thing hadn't been on her mind since he joined her in the bathroom to finish getting ready this morning. With his chest full of tattoos on display and long curls sweeping over his collarbones, he was a dirty daydream—her dirty dream. The idea of disappearing back at the hotel with him, hiding under the fluffy white duvet on their bed with only him to hold her attention, made her tummy turn with the most pleasurable of butterflies.

As if he could hear her thoughts, Harry's grin widened, amusement tinting the curl. He raised his brows at her for a moment, as if she would offer some kind of explanation for a reaction he knew too well. He spared her the conversation when he pulsed his arms around her, disregarding the fact the song was changing to something uptempo, using the edge of the dance floor they had huddled into to their advantage as he kept her swaying softly.

"You're having a good time, though, baby?" he asked her, his features rounding out in genuine curiosity as he gazed at her.

(Y/N) eagerly nodded her head, a bubbly smile on her face. "Your sister is so much fun, she's been so nice talking to me all night."

"Yeah?" he smiled, his fingers on her hips pulsing in attention, "Watched you two talk for a minute before I came to bother you. Gem only gets that happy when she tells embarrassing stories about me, jus' to remind me that 'm, apparently, not as cool as I think I am."

"I still think you're cool," (Y/N) countered, though there was more than a little amusement laced through her tone. Gemma had said the exact same thing to her just before she shared a story about a primary school aged Harry that cried when he saw his sister had gotten her ears pierced and was scared she'd never be able to go swimming with him again because she'd get too filled up with water and wouldn't float now with the extra holes in her skin. Gemma teared up from how hard she was laughing recalling the way their mom had to sit Harry down and cuddle him until he understood that wasn't physically possible.

"And look at him now," she had said, waving her hand towards the dance floor where Harry was swaying with their mother, "I like to think my ear piercing adventure inspired him. Even if he can't pull it off as well as I do."

Harry knew her too well, it seemed—and his sister—when he canted his head to the side, feigning exasperation as he shook his head. "She told y'about the ear piercing story, didn't she?That one and the drug dealer one is her favorite, but she usually likes to break the ice and tell everyone how I used to be a crybaby first."

Though her interest was piqued at the mention of the 'drug dealer' story, (Y/N) allowed a small smile to curl her lips, inching just the smallest bit closer to Harry as his arms folded around her waist with his forearms cradling the small of her back. "There's nothing wrong with being a crybaby, though, right? Otherwise, this is gonna get really awkward when you realize how often it is that I cry."

(Y/N)'s joke was told through a smiling mouth though her cheeks were going warm in something closer to embarrassment than the butterflies she felt before. She knew he was joking a little, but she'd really hope he wasn't annoyed with how worked up she became over small things at times, knowing she was still the crybaby her parents scolded her for being when she was young.

Harry's features went soft and round as he gazed down at her, the sweep of his gaze taking in the planes of her face with tender care. It took him only a moment to lead her away from the rest of the guests, mimicking the bride and groom by stealing away to a shaded corner of the venue where wine crates were stacked high and decorated with the wedding's flowers, leaving a small space with less prying eyes to catch them.

"You're not a crybaby, angel, you know that. You're jus' a sensitive girl and there's nothing wrong with that, you're right." As he spoke, he gave her the full intensity of the soft moss coloring of his eyes, his gaze flicking back and forth between her eyes to ensure she knew he meant what he was saying. It was when he ducked his head, breaking that eye contact, that his voice lowered and his words wrapped around the shell of her ear and stamped over her skin like a kiss that (Y/N) almost melted if not for the support of his hold. "Nothing wrong with it, especially when 'm here to take care of you, right?"

There was something about hearing him express how willing he was to take care of her; how even if she was a sensitive girl, a little messy around the house when she spent the night (she had an awful habit of leaving cabinet doors open after picking out what she needed from inside), and prone to falling asleep in the middle of movies with him after vowing to watch until the end, that he was going to be there to cradle her and take care of her no matter her problem. She was no stranger to becoming a bit clingy and dreamy when he spoke like that, but there was something especially heart-breaking about hearing the sentiment right then, stolen away at a wedding that hadn't stopped making her heart bloat from how romantic the occasion had been since they set foot in the venue, that made it that much more urgent for her to be with him.

Though she was still aware of the guests around them, not too far from the dance floor to be completely unseen, (Y/N) couldn't help herself before she stretched onto her tiptoes using the leverage of her arms around his neck, and draped herself over Harry's from. The length of her body was pressed against every inch of his, the steady beat of his heart and movement of his chest as he breathed made (Y/N) all that much more emotional as she buried her face in his neck. Hearing the most basic of human functions—the pattering of his pulse, the gentle exhale of his breathing, the feel of his muscles contracting as he held her—made her so aware of the fact that he was a real person who had his own thoughts, feelings, and daily adventures that she might never know about, but he had chosen to love her in the midst of it all. He had chosen to tuck her into his chest and sweep his lips up the column of her throat and hold her because there was nothing else he'd rather do.

"You'll always be here, right?" (Y/N) murmured, her voice a secret whispered into his ear.

Harry's arms around her waist pulsed, bringing her middle flush against his own as if he still wasn't as close to her as he yearned to be. She knew that feeling well.

"Of course 'm going to be there, angel—always going to be wherever y'are, as long as y'want me." His words felt like a kiss though she barely felt the full of his lips brushing against the curve of her neck, his lip ring giving nothing more than a chilly graze against her skin that urged her to seek out more of his warmth.

"I'll always want you, Harry," she cemented, hoping he understood just how deeply she meant that. She would always, always, always want him; not a single day went by where she didn't crave to at least hear from him, and she couldn't see her future going any other way. "I can take care of you, too, right?"

The ghost of his smile could be felt against her neck, his hold on her tightening almost enough to lift her feet from the ground even with the heels strapped around her ankles. There was something earnest in his tone as he spoke, like he couldn't settle on exactly how to speak this without his heart bursting, "Y'take care of me everyday, angel, and y'don't even know it."

Behind the wine crates with the sound of wedding guests chattering on only feet away, (Y/N) indulged herself in Harry's hold a moment longer. Even with just barely enough breathing room between them, the feel of his body pressed into hers and his face buried in the crook of her neck, it wasn't enough.

She wished she was someone else who wouldn't feel guilty about leaving the reception before the newlyweds, so she could convince Harry to take her back to the hotel and let her be closer to him. Though she physically felt warm—hot, even—in his hold, something was lacking enough to cause a dot of chill to inch its way up the base of her spine, the kind that she knew would be cured under the sheets of their borrowed bed with the brunt of Harry's body pressing into her and sinking her into the mattress.

"Y'alright, love?" Harry mumbled, pulling away just enough to match his eyes to hers.

"Mhm," she hummed, a half-truth, as she bit at the full of her bottom lip, "Do you know when you'll be ready to leave?"

A lopsided smile fixed itself to Harry's features. He knew.

"Soon, baby. Really soon."

—————

A tattooed arm slipped around (Y/N)'s waist from behind in record time as she stumbled over the threshold to their hotel room. The toe of her heel had caught on the lip of the doorframe, pitching her forward with a gasp before Harry came to the rescue.

"Careful, baby," Harry laughed, his amusement felt against the back of her neck as he closed and locked the door behind them, "There's no need to rush."

But, there was.

The rest of the reception had gone by in excruciating detail, from (Y/N)'s perspective. It had been another hour since they had cuddled behind those wine crates before the happy couple had been sent off with well wishes for their honeymoon and the rest of their lives they were setting off on, before Harry had asked her if she was ready to go. As much fun as she had during the cake cutting and talking to his mom and sister some more in between meeting other relatives, (Y/N) had been itching to get back to the hotel room with Harry in tow.

"Sorry," she murmured, making a conscious effort to slow her hurried steps and settle her restless limbs.

A soft kiss was pressed to the curve of her throat before the curl of his smile could be felt against her skin. His hand moved to settle on the small of her back, urging her into the suite. "Don't need to be sorry, love. Jus' be careful, yeah?"

Giving only a soft nod, (Y/N) made paced steps towards their bed, peeping over her shoulder only once to see if Harry was following. When he caught her looking, a heat filled her cheeks as she almost tripped over herself to get to their bags propped at the end of the bed, the luggage taking her attention as she heard a breathy laugh from behind her.

"Going to the bathroom?" Harry asked, coming to sit on the edge of the white fluffed bed. He rested his ankle on his knee as he began unlacing his shoes though his eyes remained on her.

Looking down in her hands at the pajama set she had absently dug out of the luggage, (Y/N) gave him a stilted nod. Apparently, she was going to go get changed in the bathroom.

After pulling out a bag of toiletries, (Y/N) toed off her heels before disappearing in the bathroom. With the door shut behind her, the air felt still now that she was alone. Seeing her things splayed out on the counter—oversized pajamas, her new birth control she started herself on two weeks ago, and clean makeup wipes—, she knew she didn't want to go to bed. Her mind had been whirling a little too fast for a little too long to go to sleep now, especially when she had been struggling to get some alone time with Harry since their moment between the wine crates. She couldn't waste it by sleeping.

Thinking about that moment at the reception, made (Y/N)'s stomach turn in the way it only did when she craved a good cuddle from Harry. That need to be close to him returned at full force, fueled by the knowledge that they were finally alone and had nothing to stop her from filling that void that needed him.

Reaching to her back, she unzipped her dress before pushing the straps from the slopes of her shoulders, the pink chiffon creating a puddle at her bare feet. Looking in the mirror, she was left in her full face of makeup and the white cotton thong and matching bralette she'd worn under her dress, the clean hue complimented by tiny pink rosettes stitched to the very middle of the garments. As she reached for the packet of makeup wipes on the counter, (Y/N)'s eyes grazed over the baby blue case that held her birth control.

This was still a very new development for her, finally having the guts to request something like this from her doctor. While she knew, especially for women her age, that this medication wasn't anything out of the norm, she swore her cheeks almost melted off her face when she had looked Dr. Claire in the eyes and requested the contraception. Just two days later, her first three months were delivered to her apartment and she'd been adjusting since.

As far as anyone knew, she opted to start on it to help regulate her periods and especially the cramps that came along with them, but she knew in the flustered corner of her mind, that she really requested it with Harry in mind.

They were always, always, always careful—even in the heat of the moment, morning quickies or flights of passion in the middle of the night, Harry always slipped a rubber on before slipping inside her—, so that was not her concern. What had really inspired the idea of possibly starting the medication, was an overheard conversation in class where one of her classmates had shared a story with her friend about her boyfriend's weekend visit and the dormroom antics they got up to. Just hearing that story had made her skin heat, embarrassed to be eavesdropping, but once the idea was in her head of "going bare" with Harry, it wasn't something that was easily evicted.

Tonight especially, that thought hadn't left her mind for very long.

Standing in the bathroom, with only the soft of her undergarments decorating her form and the blue birth control packet laid on the counter, she acknowledged the pit in her stomach that had taken root over an hour earlier when they had been tucked away in the corner of the winery. That need to be close to him hadn't quelled even a fraction in the time she had resorted to holding only his hand through the remainder of the reception.

And, how much closer could you get than having him inside her without even the thinnest layer of rubber separating them?

Even just the idea of feeling every part of Harry against her—inside her—made her muscles relax just the smallest bit. She trusted him with her whole heart and loved him in the same measure, so why couldn't they take that barrier away? Even if only just for tonight?

It was with that, that (Y/N) double checked the time on her phone before taking the pill labeled for Saturday in her current row. Her skincare routine followed in a daze, the washing of her face being the last detail she truly recalled before muscle memory took over and she was left to analyze how she'd bring up her idea for the night to Harry.

With her skin clean and moisturized, (Y/N) scooped up the puddle of her dress from the floor, balling the fabric in front of her tummy before taking a deep breath. She slipped back into the hotel suite on quiet feet, finding Harry still sat on the edge of the mattress with his shoes kicked off to the side and his suit jacket laid over the shell top of the luggage. Looking up from his phone, his brows raised over his kohl-lined eyes when he caught sight of her dressed in the bare minimum, toes curling into the plush carpet underneath.

"Those don't look like the pajamas y'packed," Harry teased, discarding his phone to sit on the nightstand before reclining back on the bed, hands buried in the bedding as they propped him up. His eyes appraised her form with careful accuracy as she felt them trace over the curves of her hips and dip of her waist. He looked much too smug when his gaze stopped on the rosette stitched on the tiny centimeter of banding that connected the cups of her bralette.

She hesitated to drop the bundle of her dress from her hands, appreciating the distraction it offered as she twisted the fabric between her fingers. She felt her eyes round out, features softening as she chanced a look down to his barely covered chest, the full of his butterfly tattoo on display through the billows of fabric. With a dry mouth, she shrugged only a single shoulder. "You said we might cuddle and do other stuff tonight, though, right?"

"I did say that, didn't I?" He spoke lazily, his smile matching with his lip ring bobbing in the low light of the lamp. "That what y'wanted to do tonight? Cuddle?"

(Y/N) knew what he was doing, knew what he was trying to pull from her, as he looked at her with a tick in his brow and a teasing flicker in his pupils. She swallowed, matching his intense gaze with her own shy version as she tried to pick out the green of his iris in the low light, "And maybe some of the other stuff. If you still wanted, anyway."

A grin broke out on his face as her words. Sitting up straight from his reclined position, Harry opened his arms up to her, tattooed fingers stretching out towards her. "Of course, I want you, angel. Now, come here. Can't cuddle with y'so far away, can we?"

The dress she had agonized over for weeks was now forgotten as (Y/N) dropped it to the floor, eager to curl into Harry's chest and feel him all over her again. The first touch she felt when she drew close enough was the brush of his fingertips over her waist, goosebumps layering over her skin at the feel before his palm wrapped around the dip of her curves, his heavy rings pressing into her skin. He helped her climb onto his lap, her chest pressed against his as he wrapped his arms around her middle with his forearms sliding around the small of her back in a cradle. Her thighs straddled his hips as she settled on his lap, just barely at eye level with him.

Only a quiet beckon of C'mere, lovebug, floated between them before Harry ducked his head and pressed his lips to hers. Tipping her head just right, (Y/N) allowed him to slot their lips together, the bud of her bottom lip between his two. The tip of his nose grazed over the side of hers as he anchored one of his hands on the back of her head, fingers slipping through the strands in soothing grazes. (Y/N)'s own hands laid flat on the broad of Harry's shoulders, her fingers making careful dents in the muscles as she clung to him.

A sigh of her name was exhaled over her lips before Harry snuck his tongue out, running along the plush of her lips. Her heart stuttered behind her ribcage at the feel of his affection, feeling herself melt into him, eager to give him all of herself. Using the grip on his shoulders, she shuffled over his lap, bringing herself close enough that her front was flush with his, each block of muscle exposed by the barely buttoned status of his shirt. He was warm against her bare skin, but she still felt a shiver go down her spine when she felt the lump settled between his thighs, just under her core.

"H-Harry," she murmured, drawing away from his lips just far enough to breathe the call over his skin.

The slight curl of his lips was felt against her own as he smeared his mouth against hers in a sealing kiss. "Yeah, baby? Feel that?"

Her eyelids felt welded shut as he used his arm around her waist to drag her heavily over his cock, unable to handle seeing him when she felt so much in the moment. Overwhelmed already, she tucked her face into his shoulder, his hair curtaining around her face as she inhaled the scent clinging to his skin. She wasn't even aware of what she was saying before she whimpered into his neck, "I-I want it."

Harry dropped his head into her shoulder at her words, mimicking the way she cuddled into him as a choked moan rumbled through his chest. The plush of his lips was smeared in honey-sweet sticky kisses against her skin. "I know y'do, baby. Wanna show me how much y'want it? Gotta earn it before I can let y'have it."

Whenever he requested things like this, it made her skin heat and her heart beat hard enough to hear the rushing through the shell of her ears.

Her less than steady hands that were anchored on his shoulders slid along his form, dipping into the length of his hair. Her fingers wrapped through his curls as she drew away from the home she made against his shoulder, hoping he would follow suit and she could see his face again. Her breathing hitched when she got her wish, and the green eyes she had been expecting were replaced with dilated pupils with a flush coloring his cheeks and lips shining with the spit-slicked kissed he had dragged over her skin. In the dark of the hotel room, his eyeliner seemed especially shadowy around his eyes, his tattoos seemed freshly inked onto his skin, his curls a shade darker than the gentle brown she was accustom to.

Feeling the bar of his arm stretched around her back and the press of his chest against her own as he pulled in a deep breath, (Y/N)'s heart jumped at the reminder of the parts of him she couldn't see right then. It wasn't until Harry raised a dark brow at her that she realized just how long she must been staring at him,

"Gonna show me, angel? Or are y'gonna keep staring at daddy with those hearts in your eyes?"

Her breathing stopped for a beat at the sound of his title falling from his raspberry lips. She'd never get over the sound of his voice—especially when it was deep and rumbling like this—wrapping around the word, urging her to fall deeper into her role for him.

"Will you help me, daddy?" she pleaded, breathless.

An affection-soaked smile stretched over Harry's lips at her request, a pair of dimples bracketing the curve. Dipping his head down, he nuzzled his nose against hers in a puppy's kiss. "Yeah, I can help you, angel."

She all but melted into his hold at the feel of his crooned words fanning over her skin. A quiet thank you, daddy, was murmured into his neck as (Y/N) did her part and shuffled on his lap as close to his chest as she could get. She braced her knees on either side of Harry's hips, readying herself when she felt the first push of his arm around the small of her back, dragging her over the tent that had formed between his legs.

A breathless moan fell from her lips as she keened into the touch, a delicate shiver running up her spine. The bulge of his cock pressed deeply against the growing wet spot on the front of her panties. She followed the template of his pulling, moving her body to match the pacing he had set. Her breathing came in pants, her chest heaving as her back arched. Each drag of her hips brought her close to his chest, where her breasts were pushed against him, her peaking nipples straining against her cotton bralette as they grazed his skin. Her fingers untangled from his curls, only to drop behind his neck where her fingers laced together, giving her a better drip to rock her hips over his cock. As much as she wanted to keep watching him, she couldn't help herself before her face dropped to the warmth of his shoulder and her eyes fluttered closed. It was too much for her—the scratch of his clothing against her bare skin, the push of his cock against her clit, the strength of his arm braced around her back, even his smell, was overwhelming—but not enough at the same time. She needed more from him. She wanted to sink on his cock for real, she just needed to earn it first, like he said.

(Y/N) tried her best to keep track of her surroundings as she rocked her hips over his, but the shifting of his hold on her came as a surprise. Harry's palms wrapped around the curve of her waist as she lost herself in the movements of her hips, the heft of his rings making dents in the soft give of her skin. The chill of the pieces was enough to add a bite of clarity to the moment, reminding her what exactly she had planned for the night. Just the thought of having him bare inside her—finishing inside her—elicited a loud moan to fall from her lips.

"'M right here, baby, 's okay," he crooned to her, responding to the title she had called out to, "Doing so good, not even helping y'anymore. Doing so good all by yourself."

In the muddled mess that was her brain, (Y/N) hadn't even noticed that Harry had adjusted his grip in the first place because he was no longer aiding in the grinding and dragging of her hips, (Y/N) doing it all on her own with an erratic rhythm that really only seemed to please herself. Slowing down, she pulled away from the burrowed home she made against Harry's shoulder and dropped her gaze to their laps.

Her underwear had gone askew, the rocking of her hips having stretched the material tightly against her core. The flimsy barrier of her panties did nothing to protect his pants as she spotted a damp patch on the material that was unmistakably from her.

A beat passed before Harry pinched her chin between his thumb and forefinger, pulling her face up to match his gaze. A self-satisfied smile curled his lips, the lopsided curve being something of his signature. "Like seeing your mess, angel? Y'did that all by yourself."

A heat bubbled behind her cheeks at his words. "I didn't mean to make a mess, I-I'm sor—"

Before she could get the rest of her sentence out, Harry took advantage of the hold he had on her chin and smeared his lips against hers in a silencing kiss. (Y/N) forgot about her flustered embarrassment in a second as soon as he kissed her, which she was sure was his intention.

"Don't say you're sorry, love, don't need to be. I like the little mess y'left on me," he crooned against her lips, the full of his own brushing against her pout.

(Y/N) couldn't even catch her breath before he was kissing her again, parting her mouth with his own and slipping his tongue inside. Harry swallowed the moan that fell from her mouth, his tongue sweeping through and tasting every bit of the sweetened sparkling juice she sipped at the reception and the honeyed lust that was building inside her. The hand he had stationed on her chin slid across her cheek and through the baby hairs bordering her hairline, until his fingers threaded through the strands. He cradled the back of her head as he tilted his own, deepening the kiss. The hand on the back of her head anchored her to the moment as she fought to find her breath through the haze of HarryHarryHarry in her head and the distraction of his kiss. It wasn't until he drew away from her mouth, dragging his lips across her cheek and down to the line of her jaw, that she even attempted to bring in a balancing breath.

Nonetheless, her breathing came in pants as she fixed her hands through his hair, the curls tangling through her fingers as she keened into him. Harry kissed down her neck, not even lifting his mouth from her skin before planting another kiss on the curve of her throat. She couldn't help herself before dragging her hips and grinding down on his cock again as he gave a clarifying nip of his teeth over her pulse, soothing the bite with a sweep of his tongue.

"D-Daddy, I—," she whined, her voice sounding as breathless as she felt.

His smile could be felt against her skin as he kissed down her chest, a drag of his tongue over the shelf of her collarbone before stopping just along the swell of her breast. "I can feel your heart, baby," he murmured against her skin, the curve of his lips pressing int the soft skin, "What's got it beating so fast, hm?"

In her right mind, (Y/N) knew she would feel at least a tint of bashfulness at his teasing, but in that moment, it seemed to only spur her on. The slight mocking tilt to his tone made her thighs clench around his hips and her tummy jump despite the warmth being pressed into her from all sides.

"Y-You," she whined, "You're making me—"

(Y/N) cut herself off when her train off thought went off it's tracks, leaving her to sink into Harry further as he bit into the curve of her breast and began nudging the delicate strap off her shoulder. How was she supposed to think, let alone talk when he did things like that?

"'M making y'what, angel?" he teased, his tone deep and dipped in gravel as it rumbled through his chest, "Am I making y'wet? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

With the strap of her bralette halfway down her shoulder, (Y/N) felt Harry nudge the flimsy cup out of the way with the tip of his nose as he skimmed it over her skin, his warm breath fanning over the newly exposed skin. The stubble that prickled his chin grazed (Y/N)'s breast as he laid kisses down her chest until he took her nipple between his lips. A lick of his tongue was delivered to the bud, making (Y/N)'s breathing tight as she imagined that same feeling between her legs.

"I—I need you," she choked out, the tightness in her lungs making it hard for anything more to come out.

The hand he had planted on her waist shifted over her side as he drew away from her chest, his palm coming to a stop at her ribs with his thumb driving up underneath the band of her bra and tracing over the curve of her breast. His lips were slick as she finally got a good look at him since they started kissing, pupils dark and wide across his iris. Even his cheeks held a ruddy flush as he traced his gaze over her features and allowed his kiss-swollen lips to stretch into a smug smile.

"So, you're m'needy girl tonight? Is that what you're telling me?"

(Y/N) couldn't do anything more than nod at him with her mouth set in a small gape.

His smile turned lopsided but didn't lose any bit of the self-assuredness he had coloring the curve. Even the dimple denting his cheek seemed more smug that sweet in that moment. He gave her one more kiss through his smile before he dropped his hands to her waist and gripped at the curve of her body.

Drawing her away from his body, Harry deposited her onto the mattress behind him, laying her along the bed with her head cushioned by the fluffed hotel pillows. "Wait right here for me, angel. Daddy needs to get ready for you," he croons to her, affection seeping into the lustful gaze he had plastered over her form.

With her eyes stuck to Harry's form, (Y/N) sunk into the white duvet stretched over the mattress. The broad of his shoulders stole her attention as she absently readjusted her bralette, covering herself against the chill in the hotel room, though she could argue she might as well have been running a fever as she watched him.

Harry stood with his back to her, only glimpses of his hands visible as he tugged off his rings and laid them out on the bedside table, the metal and gems glinting in the lamplight. Her thighs clenched at the implications of his now bare fingers, now knowing that he planned on spending a good amount of time with his hand between her thighs for the night. She watched as she continued undressing, shedding his silken button down with the material dropping to the floor. The full of his back was left on display, tattoos decorating the tanned skin with designs that only someone like Harry could have imagined and dreamt up. Only his black trousers were left on his body, the fabric stretched across his thighs.

She knew she had been caught staring, thighs crossed over one another, when she noticed the smirk on Harry's lips as he looked over his shoulder. He didn't waste any time before he was climbing onto the bed, prowling towards her.

"You're like a dream lying here for me, angel, you know that? Perfect, little, wet dream," he murmured, his eyes never straying from hers as he crawled over the overpassed hotel mattress.

"Y-You're my dream, too," she countered, voice breathless and nowhere near as confident as his, but still definitely sharing the truth.

He hummed at her words, sounding all too smug from the rumbling sound alone. The lopsided tilt of his smile could have been felt against her heated skin from the way it made her heart skip a beat as he spoke, "And what am I like in your little dreams, angel?"

(Y/N)'s eyes fluttered shut as he closed the distance between them finally, the echo of his rumbled voice sounding through her ears just as he pressed his forehead to her temple when he settled into the mattress beside her. Next to her, he was on his side as he sunk into the bedding, bare chest pressed against her arm with his elbow propping him up under him. Instinctively, she pulled her arm out from between them, allowing his heat to radiate directly into her side as she reached her hand up to play with the ends of his curls. His free hand settled on the soft skin of her tummy, warm fingers petting at the gentle curve of her body. With his touch on her middle and his heat warming her side, (Y/N) could barely concentrate enough to even remember his question, let alone answer it.

"Hm, angel? Ignoring me now?" he teased, dropping a kiss to her cheek through his smile.

"No, no, never," she stuttered, carefully shaking her head, "I"—she swallowed around her suddenly clumsy tongue—"W-What was the question?"

The exhaled laugh Harry let out through his nose fanned over her flushed skin, the tip of his nose skimming her cheekbone as his hand on her tummy moved lower down her body, squeezing her hip. "You're so cute, angel. S'fucking cute," he laughed, the full of his lips brushing her skin, "I asked what I do in the dreams y'supposedly have about me."

"Oh," she breathed, trying her best to stay focused despite the fingers toying with the waist her cotton panties, "In-In my dreams, you always t-take care of me."

"How?" he demanded, barely a second passing after her answer.

The gentle scrape of his thumbnail was dragged over her hipbone as Harry tucked it underneath the fabric of her underwear, her tummy jumping at the faint line he was drawing as he grazed his hand across the expanse.

"You kiss me," she started, stopping herself when she felt Harry crane his neck and press his lips to the corner of her mouth, his nose nudging hers when she didn't continue.

"Keep going. 'M listening, baby."

"You—um—You touch me where I like," she whispered, breathless.

With his thumb still tucked into her panties and the rest of his hand resting on the low of her stomach, Harry firmed his grazing and made a point to circle his thumb at the top of her core.

"Y'like this?"

The nod of her head came in frantic jerks, the mess of her hair growing wilder against pillow cushioning her head. "I do, I do."

"Where else do y'like to be touched, angel? Where else do I take care of you?"

(Y/N) turned her head with the intention of matching her lips to his as she reached for the tattooed arm that was stretched over her body. "You know where, daddy," she whined, her eyes still shuttered closed as she tilted her head to press her lips to his.

When she didn't make contact with his mouth, (Y/N) couldn't help the pout that molded over her features. She blinked her eyes open only to find Harry looking at her with a raised brow, fighting off an all-too-satisfied smile from curling his lips.

"Does daddy know, baby?" he teased her, tipping his head to ensure his mouth would be just out of reach if she tried to kiss him again, "Y'sure y'don't want to tell him? Because, I'll give it to you as soon as y'do. 'S that easy, love."

She knew what he was trying to do: get her flustered and hopefully pull a vulgarity to fall from her lips. And he was definitely achieving the former.

"Daddy," she mouthed, her voice low enough it was barely a whispered coo, "Please."

He stopped trying to fight off the lopsided curve that threaten to soften his features. "Y'don't want to tell me, lovebug?"

Catching her bottom lip between the blunt of her teeth, (Y/N) felt her eyes round out as she gazed up at him. "Its hard," she peeped.

That was enough to cause his lopsided smile to turn into a full-sized grin. "Is it?" he prodded, canting his head, affection swimming in his gaze thought condescension reigned in his tone as he flexed his fingers against the soft of her tummy, "You're just the sweetest little thing, aren't you?"

Suddenly, with his soft words, she felt bashful under his gaze. It was a bit silly, she knew that, with the way he'd been talking to her the second she came out of the bathroom in her underwear not even causing her to bat an eyelash. It wasn't until he told her something tender with honesty in his eyes that made her feel a different set of butterflies in her stomach and her head to fill with cotton-candy sweet clouds.

"Oh, baby," he murmured, finally ducking his head and indulging her in the kiss she'd been searching for. Despite their half-naked states, the kiss was nothing but innocent, kiss-swollen lips matching together in a gentle press. "Why don't y'show me instead, if y'can't tell me, hm?" he offered, close enough that the full of his lips brushed against hers.

(Y/N) nodded at this new route, nose subsequently nudging into his in a puppy's kiss. The smile that bloomed on his features was almost reward enough if she hadn't already known the other option he was offering.

"Then, show me, baby."

Uncurling her free hand from the comforter she had wrapped between her fingers while the other still indulged in the sweeping ringlets of his hair, she tentatively grabbed for the arm he had across her middle, palms still halfway down her panties. Her fingers looped around his tattooed wrist, both of their gazes following along, before she pushed his hand further down. More and more of the ink embedded in his skin disappeared as she felt his fingers slip over her core. The length of his fingers grazed over the top of her slit, pushing her soaked underwear out of the way in favor of clinging to her himself.

A shiver ran up her spine at the first brush, back just barely arching off the mattress. From the corner of her eye, she saw Harry's jaw tick around the smile he was biting back as he watched his hand sink under her panties.

"That where y'wanted me, love? I take care of your little pussy in your dreams?" His voice was like honey spiced with rum as it poured over her: intoxicating and heavenly sweet.

"Mhm," she keened, nodding her head without much thought going into the motion, "You make me feel so good, daddy."

Harry didn't need her pushing anymore, moving on his own accord as her own grip seemed to be for nothing other than her own comfort of holding him. Stuffing his hand down her panties, his fingers curled over her core. His palm was cupped over her clit with just enough pressure to make her thighs clench, the tips of his fingers extending over her slit before curling and splitting her slick lips open.

"I can tell," he mused, something bordering on cockiness tinting his tone, "You're so wet, baby."

She struggled to thread together any kind of response; her mouth was too dry, head too high in the clouds, and tongue too clumsy to make anything make sense. The only word that she could compute was what left her lips: "Y-You."

"Me?" he teased, his hand moving in tandem with his words, his palm smearing over her clit in the first true form of pleasure she'd been granted since leaving his lap. "Are y'saying this is because of me?"

"Uh-huh," she moaned, fingertips denting the tattooed skin of his forearm.

Barely a beat passed, (Y/N) having enough time to catch her breath, before Harry pulled her in for another kiss. He drew her mouth open with his own, deepening the contact as he dipped his tongue between her lips. The tip of his nose skimmed over her cheek as he tipped his head, tongue brushing over hers in a slick pass while his fingers emulated the movement between her legs.

"M'baby," he murmured almost too quiet for her to hear over her ragged breath, "M'angel. All for me."

The waist of her panties was tight over her hips as the cotton stretched to accommodate his hand, seemingly another possessive act to match the words he spoke into her kiss. He kept his palm firm over her clit, this skin calloused from years of tattooing now covered in her slick, while his fingertips circled her entrance in teasing runs. If she had any bit of her mind clear enough to comprehend, she might have noticed the shapes he was tracing with his fingers—letters spelling out his name on her pussy.

Her hand abandoned station in his hair in favor of cradling his cheek, fingers dipping into the baby curls that bordered his hairline. "Kiss?" she asked, voice small as she tried to clear her mind enough to speak.

Harry didn't waste a moment before he was giving into her, sealing his lips to hers in the kisses she craved. The teasing of his fingers over her entrance made (Y/N) feel dizzy thinking about what she was going to ask him to do once she worked up the courage, with his kiss being the only thing to anchor her in the moment.

"Where else do you need me, baby?" he asked, the words fanning over her skin like warm honey, "Or do y'want me to stop here?"

Flexing his hand, he showed her what he meant. His palm was heavy over her clit, gentle passes getting her worked up while he kept her warm, with his fingers just a breath away from pushing into her pussy. She bucked her hips into the contact, her body giving away her answer before she could put one together with her mouth.

"Do-Don't stop, no," she rushed, pulling her thighs shut as if trying to trap his hand between them.

Hooking his ankle around her own, Harry worked to pry her thighs open again until he had her leg pinned down under his. Though her eyes were still closed, she could only imagine the amusement decorating his face as her desperate actions. He always loved when she got a little carried away like that.

"I need y'to do something for me then, baby," he mumbled, drawing away after smearing his lips over the corner of her mouth in a gentle kiss.

(Y/N) fluttered her eyes open only when she felt his hand retreating from between her legs, suddenly feeling cold without him there. "H—Why—"

Harry shushed her as she tried to squeak out her protests, shaking his head as he dragged his slick hand over the soft of her tummy. "Told you I wanted y'to do something for me if y'wanted me to keep going, right?"

She nodded.

"This is what I need y'to do," he started, the weight of his hand now transforming into his fingertips tracing between her breasts, the rosette on her bralette being jostled. He settled his hand on her cheek, thumb resting on her chin before creeping up to the full of her bottom lip, "Is this okay?"

Again, she nodded. She wasn't quite sure what this was, but she couldn't imagine herself saying no to Harry when he looked at like her that.

The ink of his pupils dropped to the thumb on her lip as he crept it towards the middle of the pillow, wiggling the tip between the two. He stopped there, just the very tip of his black varnished thumb resting in the heat of her mouth, gaze drawing back up to match hers. A beat passed, (Y/N) feeling as if he was cataloguing her reaction, before he pressed further, his thumb dipping deeper into her mouth.

(Y/N) tentatively peeked out her tongue, touching at his finger for only a moment before he shifted gears and began pressing downward, opening her jaw. Following the pattern, he flitted his gaze back up to match hers, watching her for any shifts in demeanor as he parted her mouth.

"Still alright?" he prodded once she was opened to his liking, her tongue on display with her kiss-swollen lips in a gape. He was granted a nod in response, eyes never strayed form darting between his own. "Tell me if y'want me to stop, yeah? And if y'can't say it, jus' tap m'arm a few times and I'll let go, baby. Understand?"

His hand on her cheek moved with her as she nodded her head, feeling transfixed as he alluded to whatever it what he was planning on doing with her tonight. Seemingly satisfied with her response, Harry dragged his hand over her cheek, fingertips tracing to the corner of her mouth. The two fingers she had felt prodding at her opening paired up and came to rest on her bottom lip just as his thumb had done only moments before. (Y/N) felt her eyes round out and her breathing hitch when she realized what he was doing.

Cautiously, waiting for a sign of protest (Y/N) knew wasn't coming, Harry slipped his fingers into her mouth. From the way the look in his eyes shifted, (Y/N) almost wished she could see the way his tattooed fingers disappeared in her mouth, but the second they touched her tongue, she realized she was in the much better position. The pads of his fingers pressed into the flat of her tongue, sweeping across the same way his own tongue had done as he kissed her all night.

Instinctively, (Y/N) closed her lips around his fingers, gently beginning to suck on the digits the same way she would when he had her on her knees for him. The faintest taste of what was soaking her panties was spread over her tastebuds as she laved her tongue over his fingers. While the idea of tasting herself had never quite appealed to her, there was something about the way it was being fed to her on Harry's fingers that made her thighs clench and her tummy jump. Her hand that had been clinging to his wrist since he dipped between her thighs tightened, keeping him just where he was as she found herself sinking into the motions of sucking his fingers between her lips and tilting and tipping her head as she went.

Through hooded eyes, (Y/N) caught Harry gazing at her with the same intensity roasting behind the green of his irises that he held when it was his cock in her mouth instead. His eyeliner was barely hanging on, his lower lash line now being smudged with the kohl under the heat of the moment. She liked it when he looked at her like that.

Fluttering her eyes closed, (Y/N) took advantage of the grip she had on his arm and tugged his wrist. The short motion pulled his fingers deeper into her mouth, just barely reaching towards the back of her throat before she regulated herself and took him down as far as she could, bobbing her head in short strokes. Her breath was coming out heavy through her nose, her thighs tensing and untensing though she couldn't bring them together as Harry still had his own leg thrown over hers to keep her spread.

"Y'like this, baby?" Harry crooned, his tone tinted with pride though she knew there would still be a bit of wonder in his gaze if she opened her eyes. With her mouth full, she could only nod to him. "I should've known, baby," he continued, dipping his head down and smearing his lips over her suctioned cheek, "Y'love sucking m'cock so much, of course you'd love m'fingers in your pretty mouth."

She whined around his fingers, humming a confirmation as best she could with her muffled voice. She sucked harder, traced her tongue over his fingers longer, did more to show that he was right: she did love this. She loved doing this for him, the feeling of him in her mouth in any way she could have him being as much for her as it was a service to him.

"You're an angel, baby, you know that?" he praised her, "Such a sweet girl taking care of her daddy like this." Shifting on the bed beside her, the ridge of his cock brushed against her hip, showing her just how well she was taking care of him. "Y'like this even more than I thought, don't you? Can feel y'trying to press your pussy into m'leg."

Though the rumbling of his voice was typically enough to float her higher into the clouds, a pick of clarity pinged in her head at the words that fell from his mouth. It was then she realized just how restless the rest of her body had become despite the sedated state of her mind as she sucked on his fingers, hips bucking and grinding as close to the heavy leg on her thigh as she could.

Another mouth-stuffed whine was all she could manage in response.

A soft breath of laughter was smushed into her cheek from Harry at her answer. "C'mere then, baby. Face me, I've got an idea."

At the first command, she was already shifting her positioning, doing her best to keep her grip on his wrist and his fingers on her tongue. She finished as she laid on her side to face him, his thigh now tucked between her two and Harry relieving the elbow he had been crutched on since getting into bed with her. His now free arm was turned into a cushion for her head, bicep her pillow with the back of her head fit into the crook of his elbow. His chest was warm and solid pressed into hers, the soft of her breasts flush against the muscles hidden under tattoos.

As she distractedly sucked at his fingers, Harry brushed his thigh upwards to her pussy. The thick of the muscle pressed into her clit and gave a shock to run up her spine. Her mouth fell open as a moan filtered around his fingers, her body sinking into the mattress.

Shifting his arm under her head, Harry splayed his hand over her back pads of his fingers denting the soft skin as he pushed. "C'mon, angel, keep going like y'were. Got y'what y'wanted, can't stop now."

Taking advantage of the help he was offering with the steadying hand on her back, she rocked into him, dragging her hips long and slow over his thigh. (Y/N) moaned around his fingers as she did so, finally indulging the ache between her thighs.

"There we go, angel," Harry encouraged in a soft coo, his palm spanning between her shoulder blades starting a sweeping motion along her spine, comforting her through, "Doing s'good, all by yourself. Taking care of me and that little pussy, huh?"

It was then that Harry took control as she absently sucked on his fingers. Her head was somewhere else—too filled with how it felt to grind on thigh than to concentrate—, leaving Harry enough room to begin petting his fingers over her tongue and meeting the strokes of her mouth, going deep enough to graze the back of her throat. Her breath hitched as he took over, her core squeezing as he thrusted his fingers in and out of her mouth in gentle passes as if it were his cock stuffed between her lips. The soft insides of her thighs grew wetter as the feel of him fucking into her face with his fingers, the fabric of his trousers undoubtedly drenched along with her.

"Should've been doing this a long time ago, don't y'think?" Harry mused, pressing his lips into a kiss on her forehead, "Could've had m'cock in your pussy and fingers in your mouth, taking it all for me. Would y'have liked that, angel?"

Harry barely finished speaking before a loud moan sounded from her, a nod of her head against his bicep following the whine. (Y/N) almost had it in her to be embarrassed at the way she was reacting to his words, but the second she felt his fingertips touch at the back of her throat before slipping away and his knee press into her clit before she was dragged over his thigh, she decided there were bigger things to worry about.

Especially the hardened ridge she felt against her thigh with every drag of her hips towards him.

Using what remained of her grip on his wrist, (Y/N) reluctantly pulled Harry's fingers from her mouth. They were spit slicked as they fell over her bottom lip and down her chin before (Y/N) bundled his hand against her chest and sweetly cuddled into him despite the less-than-innocent thoughts tainting her head.

"H-Harry, I—" she swallowed, the motion of her hips settling into a short roll over his leg every other beat, "I need you, daddy."

"Y'have me, love," he crooned, dipping his head to plant another tender kiss to her forehead, "What do y'need from me?"

"I want you here." She was breathless as she tried to explain, rolling her hips in a slow stroke over his thigh to show exactly where here was.

"Need me in your pussy, baby?" he murmured, voice falling deeper as it mixed in with the messy strands of hair crowning her head.

"Please, daddy."

He moaned into her hair, the sound low and deep. "Want m'fingers again, or are y'ready for more?"

(Y/N) didn't waste a second thinking over her options before she was answering, "More, more, please."

The hand he had splayed on her back flexed one more time before he began dragging himself away from her form. "Wait right here for me, yeah? Need to grab our stuff."

(Y/N) absently nodded as she watched Harry swing his legs over the side of the bed and begin working on the fastenings of his trousers. He let the fly hang open as he approached their suitcase, rifling through one of the compartments before reemerging with a golden foil packet she was all too familiar with and had no want to see tonight. Harry had no clue as he tossed the foil to the bedside table and resumed his undressing, his pants becoming nothing more than a black puddle on the hotel room floor. She couldn't drop her eyes from his hands as the black painted nails and tattooed fingers dipped underneath the waistband of his white boxers, dragging it down his ink smattered hips.

Seeing his cock never got old as (Y/N) felt her tummy jump at the same moment she saw his prick bob against his stomach. She knew that if she dared to peek up at Harry's face, she would see that lopsided smile on his face that she loved, still there was no way she was able to pull her eyes from the ruddy head that. It wasn't until Harry kneed onto the mattress, the muscles in his thighs she was now well acquainted with flexing under the multitude of ink needled into the skin, that she finally traced her gaze over his form. Crawling over the fluff of the duvet, he looked every bit of the dream she had described to him—her favorite dream.

He worked slowly, nudging her legs apart as he approached her, asking her to spread them so he could get a chance to lay between, cradled by the soft of her thighs he always fawned over. (Y/N) did so with ease, leaving the wet of her panties on full display. Harry took full advantage of the view as he vined around her, a smug smile curling his lisp as he saw the sheen that covered the inside of her thighs and the dampness that darkened her panties. Peering up at her, Harry's curls becoming a curtain around his face as the ends dragged over the bare skin of her thighs, he paused. He sat back on his heels between her thighs only to reach towards the waist of her panties and drag them down the length of her legs until the fabric joined his pants on the floor. Once she was bare, Harry dropped down and gave single kiss to the top her core, mumbling something that sounded like "so pretty" but was too muffled for (Y/N) to hear before he was back on his ascent of her body.

(Y/N) felt him everywhere as he worked himself between her thighs, his hips fitting against hers as he stretched himself over her body. Once he was close enough, he planted his hands on either side of her head, the mattress sinking under the weight as he hovered above to keep from smushing her underneath him. (Y/N) wrapped her arms around his neck as soon as she could reach him, pulling him down that inch he hovered over her to press her chest against his and make her heart feel more at home next to it's lover.

Gazing up at him, his hair becoming a curtain between them and the world outside their hotel room, (Y/N) felt her heart beat hard against her ribs. She felt her features soften, eyes rounding out with her pupils undoubtedly shaping into hearts. "I love you," she whispered, keening into him with an arch to her back, pressing her chest and heart against his.

Dropping his head to her neck, Harry reacted as if that was the filthiest thing thing she'd ever told him between the sheets, rutting his hips into hers and pressing a smeared kiss over her skin. "I love you, too, angel," he murmured, "So fucking much. Wanna show you how much. Can I?"

Her thighs squeezed around his hips, ankles hooking around the backs of his calves in an effort to pull him in. "Please, please, daddy."

He hushed her in gentle tones, trailing his lips from her neck to the corner of her mouth before speaking into her skin, "'S okay, angel, 'm here. Daddy'll show you, don't worry." One more short kiss was planted on the corner of her mouth before Harry drew away, reaching for the nightstand. The foil packet crinkled in his grip as he grabbed the condom (Y/N) had forgotten about.

Trapping her bottom lip between her teeth, (Y/N) hesitated with her arms around Harry's neck before she grabbed at his wrist, stopping him. "No, wa—"

Harry's attention was on her in a second, his gaze flicking back towards her, eyes wide. The packet was dropped on the table, his hand sinking into the mattress beside her head. "Are y'okay, love? Change your mind?"

"No, no, it's not that," she rushed, shaking her head, "I still want you, I just..." She hesitated around her words, unsure of how to phrase this in a way that made her feel comfortable while getting her point across. Turning to look towards the nightstand, she shook her head again before looking back to Harry hovering above her. "I just don't want to use one of those right now."

A pinch in his brows appeared at her words. "Lovebug," he started, gaze searching over her features, "I don't think I know what y'mean. 'S jus' a condom."

"I know, I know," she said, "I-I don't want to use one tonight."

(Y/N) could see the moment he realized what she was saying, his mouth dropping into a gape. His eyes were clear as they glazed over her features, taking stock of every highlight and contour that made up her. His breathing changed as his gaze dropped further down, following the curve of her throat and to the valley between her breasts.

His response lagged as he tried to string together anything to say to her, not meeting her eyes until she swore there was a kind of spark swimming in his irises she'd never seen before.

"Y'want me to go bare tonight?"

She nodded.

"Oh, fuck."

(Y/N) felt her skin prickle and rush through with warmth when she felt the twitch of his cock against her thigh. He returned to the home he made in her neck, this time his breath coming in pants that fanned over her skin. His lips moved against her skin, saying something that was too muffled and quiet for her to catch. He leaned into her, the stretch of his body covering the curves of her own as he processed the information.

"Are y'sure?" was the first coherent thing she heard when he made the reluctant journey to pull away from her.

"Sure about not using one?" she clarified, wide eyes examining her boyfriend's reaction. He only swallowed thickly and nodded his head once, jaw ticked. (Y/N) mimicked his motion, nodding her head and peeping in quiet voice: "Y-Yeah. But, I mean, I'm on birth control now. We'd still be safe, right?"

At the mention of her medication, his jaw jumped, arms tensing on either side of her head. "Y'took it tonight, already?"

"Mhm. When I was getting ready for bed."

That was when he tore his gaze from hers, distracting himself by tracing her hairline and counting the smile creases that touched her features.

"Y'trust me to go bare with you?"

(Y/N) swallowed, giving another nod of her head (she already dreaded the mess she was going to have to brush out later). "Some girls in one of my classes," she started, moving her hand still wrapped around his wrist to lace their fingers together, "they were talking about how they've done this with their boyfriends, and it just made me start thinking. I-I want to try it with you—I trust you, H."

Harry practically melted at her words, leaning into her body and sinking them deeper into the tufts of bedding messed around them. He touched his forehead to hers, nose nudging hers in gentle caresses. His eyes were closed, lashes tangled together as they squeezed shut. He took in a deep, steadying breath that pushed his chest against hers.

"God, baby, I love you." His voice was dredged in honey, deep and sticky sweet as it seeped into her pores and sunk into her veins.

A soft smile stretched over her lips, hand in his tightening. "I love you, too, H, with all my heart," she promised, tipping her chin and pressing her smiling mouth to his in an innocent kiss. "You're okay with that? G-Going bare with me, I mean?"

The verbiage she borrowed from him felt foreign on her tongue, but it was well worth the smile and breathy laugh that molded his features and softened the edges of his jaw. (And the brush of his cock against her thigh, but she could argue both his smile and the touch made her heart race).

"'M sure I'll manage," he teased, sealing his mouth over hers in a real kiss.

(Y/N)'s tummy turned with butterflies at his agreement. Their kiss turned eager as she realized how close she was to being as physically devoted to him as they could get. Not a single scrap of anything was going to be between their bodies, and that knowledge was enough to make her insides squeeze and her thighs tense.

"Now? Can we try n-now?" she stuttered against his kiss, her own smile growing when she felt his against her mouth.

The laugh that Harry let out when he pulled away was full and sweetened with the taste of their kiss. "Eager, little thing," he teased, shaking his head as he adjusted his position above her to reach a hand between their bodies.

His fingers skimmed over the soft of her stomach while he grabbed his prick, head ruddy and leaking as he gave a cursory tug to his shaft. His breathing hitched, coming out harshly through his nose, at the first touch of the night. He moved cautiously, just as he had with their first new venture of the night, waiting for any sign of protest from her—something that would never come.

The head of his cock grazed over her slit, nudging her clit with a shudder racing down his back. (Y/N) kept her grip on his hand tight, her own nerve-endings sitting on a livewire knowing that everything she felt from here on out was one hundred percent Harry. She hooked her thigh high over his hip, urging him down as he continued to take his time with her.

"Patience, love," he told her, "Wanna take m'time with you. Never had y'like this, and I have a feeling 'm not going to last very long after 'm inside."

"But, daddy," she whined, rolling her hips up towards him, "I want you."

His eyes squeezed shut as he nudged the head of his cock against her weeping hole, his tip shining with her wetness. "You're making this so hard for me, you know that?"

"Let me help you, then," she pleaded, her desperation taking charge of her mouth and each of the pleas that were falling out of it. "Please."

He shook his head at her, bottom lip trapped between his teeth. His focus was tacked between her legs, his prick covered in her slick with the help of his stroking hand and the collection of her wetness on his tip from her hole he was just barely breaching.

"Ready, darling?"

"Please."

That was the last bit of encouragement Harry needed before he thrust his hips forward. His bare head popped into her wetness, a strangled groan rumbling from his chest immediately following. His hand in hers tightened into a grip she was sure would leave her hand sore if he kept it up, as his uncovered cock sunk deeper and deeper in her pussy.

(Y/N)'s breathing broke at the feel, every detail of his prick being absorbed by the pulsing of her walls. Her tummy tightened at the feel of him nudging through the tightness of her core. Arching into him, she held her breath, unable to concentrate on much else besides the vein she felt snaking against her walls, one she knew vined around Harry's cock but had never felt like this.

"Oh, fuck," Harry breathed, the curse dropping from between his lips as if against his own volition. He couldn't keep his eyes away from where he was fucking into her, not until he bottomed out, hips flush against his angel's.

He sat there for a moment, soaking in the feel of her pussy around him, lacking the barrier they were so used to. Another mumbled curse fell from his lips before rearing his hips back and sinking into her again. Harry's features were creased in pleasure from the limited view (Y/N) was granted through hooded eyes, his mouth dropped open with breaths coming out in stilted pants. The noise of his cock sinking into her soaked pussy sounded through the empty hotel room as he started up a rhythm, only interrupted by the tenor of their disjointed breathing.

"Ha-Harry," she whined, thighs tight around his thrusting form, "O-Oh my gosh, I—"

"Yeah, angel?" he murmured, finally ripping his gaze away from where he sunk inside her over and over, meeting her own enchanted one, "Feels good?"

She nodded her head with frantic jerks, "Uh-huh, uh-huh. I f-feel everything."

"Shit, baby," he cursed, ducking his head and matching his lips to hers, "Y'feel everything? All of me?"

"Y-You're so," she swallowed, puckering her lips against his in a distracting kiss, "You're everywhere."

Harry groaned at her admission, nodding his head as he kept kissing her, the one thing grounding (Y/N) to the moment and keeping her from floating off without him. "I wasn't lying, love," he murmured over the sound of his hips slapping against hers, "I don't think 'm going to last very long at all—not when y'feel like this."

He emphasized his words with a slow grind of his hips, the base of his cock brushing her clit and sending a rush up her spine and clouding her head. "I-I wanna feel it, please, H."

His pace increased at the sound of her plea, only her arm around his neck keeping (Y/N) steady as he thrusted into her. "Y'wanna feel me cum for you? Cum in you?"

Cum in her, he had said. (Y/N)'s own breath was stolen and turned into a moan, eyes fluttering closed. There was no way to be closer than that, right? And that was all she wanted: to be close to her Harry.

A smug smile turned Harry's features. "Y'want that, love? Want me to cum in you?"

"Uh-huh," she whined, a nod of her head accompanying the breathless mess she was becoming.

"Fuck, okay," he cursed, his teeth gritting together as he pounded his hips into hers at an unforgiving pace, strong and lingering inside her. "I can do that for you, angel, jus' need y'to cum first, alright? Cum for me and give me what I want, then I can give you m'cum."

"I will, I will," she promised, peeking her eyes open to catch a glimpse of her love.

His hair, though the baby strands were stuck to the side of his face and glinted with sweat, still curtained them in curling furls. His cheeks were flushed a glowing red, lips an even deeper shade from all the kissing and the biting that they couldn't keep themselves from doing. Most of all, she couldn't get over the glazed over gaze he looked at her with. It was as if he was seeing a dream in real life as he looked at her, tracing her body and cataloguing the movement of her form as he fucked into her. He watched as her chest heaved, her bralette askew to bare her breasts around the forgotten cups, heart pounding against her ribcage in what she swore could be visible beats.

When he looked at her like that, she could believe him when he said that she was his dream girl. Because she knew that was how she looked at him.

Using their joined hands, leaving Harry to prop himself up with his free arm beside her head, (Y/N) brought his hand between their bodies. In the shifting space at their hips, she nudged him towards her clit, asking him for the one thing she knew would have her done in seconds, especially with the help of the strokes of his cock inside her.

"Need m'help?" Harry asked, unfurling his fingers from around hers and planting his palm across the small of her tummy, "Need me to touch you a little, too?"

"Ple-Please, Harry."

Harry shook his head, gently thumbing over her clit, "Don't whine, baby. 'M right here, I'll help you, don't worry."

Overwhelmed from every bit of attention Harry was doling out, (Y/N) couldn't stop herself from speaking the sentiment that warped through her head: "I love you, I love you, I love you, Harry."

Her affection only seemed to spur him on as the rhythm of his hips increased. The sound of her pussy sucking him in and their skin slapping together almost rivaled the thundering of her heart as he worked her closer and closer to the edge.

"I love you, too, angel," he crooned to her, breathing broken in-between the sentiment, "Cum for me, yeah? Show me how much y'love me."

His thumb on her clit ran circles over the pearl, her legs shaking with every rotation. She wanted to please him, wanted to cum for him just like he asked—show him how much she loved him with how hard her body came around him. Her hand on the back of his neck tightened, pulling her to him as she ached to kiss him.

"'S okay, jus' let go for me," he crooned against her mouth before tucking her bottom lip between two.

That seemed to be all the encouragement she needed as she came with his kiss on her lips. Her thighs became a vice around his hips, hand on the back of his neck winding through his hair in an effort to catch more of him in the moment. Her back arched, breasts pressed tightly against his tattooed chest.

"There we go, angel, doing s-so good," he praised her, coaxing her through her orgasm as best he could while keeping a hold on his control.

"Harry," she cried into his mouth, the sound desperate and breathless as she shook under him though he never relented.

Harry's hips never slowed as he worked her through her spiral, thumb on her clit slowing to languid circles if only to save her from the kind of overstimulation he knew she wasn't ready for yet. Toes curling against his calves, she slowly came down with her lungs fighting for air and eyes squeezed shut.

(Y/N) felt boneless under him as he slowed to rolls of his hips and pulled his hand from her clit. Aftershock wrecked havoc on her ravaged system with every bump of his cock against her clenching walls.

"Y'alright, lovebug?" he crooned, voice sounding a little more tight than normal.

She nodded her head, eyes bleary, "Uh-huh. B-But, its your turn now—I still want you."

"'M not far behind, darling, trust me," he laughed, though he didn't sound particularly comfortable with the strain in his throat and tense of his muscles.

"Keep going," she urged, wrapping her watery legs around his waist and drawing him deeper into her sensitive pussy again.

The curses he seemed to be fond of for the night fell from his mouth again before he resumed his shaky rhythm. Now that her head was clear, she noticed the way he lingered as he sunk inside her, savoring the feel of her bare walls around him, before he nudged as far inside her as he could manage without splitting her open. With her hand in his hair, she plucked the strands out of his face as he rocked into her over and over, hips and pace growing shaky the longer he went on.

"'M there, b-baby," he moaned, peeking at her through the lashes framing his kohl-lined eyes, "Ready for me?"

"I want it, H," she keened, telling him exactly what she knew he wanted to hear, "Please."

That was all it took before she felt a throb between her legs and a warmth she'd never experienced before flooding inside her. "'M cumming, fuck, 'm cumming, (Y/N). 'M cumming inside yo-you."

(Y/N) felt every rope of cum that pulsed out of him coating her walls, the heat something she'd never experience before in such depth. It was as if everything was heightened, even the sound of Harry's moans of her name lingering in her ear and the tensing of his muscles while he fought to keep a shred of balance before he toppled over and laid her out under his weight. The erratic thrusts that he delivered as he came down were especially sloppy, the sound of his cum mixing with her wetness echoing through the room.

Harry came down slowly, his breathing heavy as he hesitated to pull out. Instead, he gently settled himself down against her, the full of his body stretching over her form. He buried his face in her neck, pressing tired kisses over her skin, nose skimming after him.

"I love you," he cooed to her, planting a kiss to the space in front of her ear, "I love you, angel. Thank you."

Unlacing her fingers from between his, she brought it to rest behind his neck along with her other hand, pinning him to her with the help of her legs wrapped around his waist. Her breathing still came in pants as she reciprocated his sentiment, affection dripping from her tone and stamping into his tattooed skin.

"How do y'feel?" Harry asked her, pulling back and looking at her with clear eyes that'd been missing since he pushed into her bare, "Y'alright?"

She nodded her head, a tender smile working its way on her mouth. "I feel really good right now, yeah. W-Was it alright for you?"

Rolling her lips between her teeth, she watched as Harry swept his gaze over her face and shook his head, the curls curtaining their bubble sweeping over her collarbones. "Y'are incredible, you know that? Jus' saw me cum harder than I ever have before, and you're wondering if it was alright for me? Incredible, little angel."

Despite his vulgarity, (Y/N) felt a patch of butterflies crop up in her tummy and reach towards her lungs. It could only be Harry that could make her feel bashful while naked with his cock and cum soaking in her pussy.

"I just wanted to make sure," she peeped, fluttering her lashes in shyness.

Harry shook his head again, a lopsided smile on his mouth. "I think y'jus' like to be reminded how good y'are for me. Y'like hearing me say you're the best I've ever had."

While she'd never tell him, that was one of her most favorite things he told her, even if it was silly. It was nice to know.

When he didn't get a response further than her shy smile and fluttered gaze, Harry dropped his head and gave her a gentle kiss on the full of her heated cheek. "Cutie," he murmured into her skin, soft enough (Y/N) wasn't sure if she was supposed to hear. Pulling back Harry shifted his position and brushed a hand through her hair, pulling baby hairs and stray strands away from her face with loving fingers. "We've gotta get y'cleaned up, angel, okay? Then, I want to cuddle with you before y'sleep. Sound good?"

At the mention of sleep, (Y/N) took stock of the way her muscles relaxed into the mattress, the day's events and night's excitement catching up to her. "Sounds good, H, thank you," she mumbled, fighting back a yawn.

Another innocent peck was granted to her cheek before Harry began unwinding himself from her body, careful hands dislodging her own from around his neck and her now trembling thighs from around his hips. He hesitated to draw away, his softened cock still inside her as Harry cast one more glance between their bodies.

He sucked in a deep breathe before taking the plunge and rearing his hips back and working himself to sit between her thighs. (Y/N) gasped when the head of his cock popped out only to be followed by the feel of wetness leaking from her hole, feeling herself clench around nothing.

"Fuck," she heard from Harry as he sat between her thighs, gaze zeroed in between her legs. A flush began to work its way up his chest, coloring in the rosebushes tattooed on his skin, the muscles tensed as he took in the mess of his love.

"W-What?"

Harry shook his head, eyes never leaving where she felt the wetness spreading between her thighs, "Nothing, angel, jus'... Fuck, I can't look at you, or we're gonna have to go again."

"Oh," she sounded, her own chest and neck heating at the sound of his words. At least she knew he liked what he saw.

Using every bit of the control (Y/N) knew he was lacking in that moment, he shut her thighs closed, telling her to wait there for him before he disappeared to the bathroom, tripping into his boxers as he went. For that moment she was left alone, only the sound of the water running in the hotel bathroom, (Y/N) felt a smile spread over her cheeks.

She'd done it. She got to be as close to Harry as physically possible and the evidence of it—as messy, and sticky, and cold as it was becoming—was leaking from between her thighs. Maybe he was right, she couldn't keep thinking about this unless she was ready to go again with him.

Soon enough, Harry returned with a damp washcloth in his hand, white boxers askew on his hips in his rush to get something on. He crawled atop the bed, a steadying breath filling his lungs before he pushed her thighs open once more.

With the stick covering the soft inside, (Y/N) felt cold now that she was exposed to the frigid air of the hotelroom. A layer of goosebumps erupted on her skin as Harry swiped the cloth over her skin, wiping away the evidence of their night together.

"Are y'cold, love?" Harry murmured, a layer of gravel to his voice she knew he was fighting off.

"A little, yeah," she confessed, readjusting her bralette to cover her chest before crossing her arms over her middle, her head sinking into the feathered pillows.

A soft kiss was planted onto her knee before his free hand smoothed itself over her shin, willing away the goosebumps. "Jus' a little longer, then I'll get y'dressed and snuggled up with me, 'kay?"

"'Kay," she nodded before she remembered the mess of her hair. Gosh, she still had to brush out that mess, too.

Harry dutifully cleaned her for a minute longer before he shifted between her legs, his freehand coming to rest on the sensitive inside of her thigh, butterflying her out. "Love, I need y'to do something for me really quick. 'S gonna feel a bit weird, but 's gonna help us get y'clean."

(Y/N) hesitated a moment before offering a cautious, "Okay."

She heard him heave a deep breath, the exhale of which fanned over her knee before she felt his lips return and press another kiss to the skin, before he spoke lowly, "There's still a little bit of me left inside, so I need y'to try to squeeze me out, yeah?"

Brows furrowed, (Y/N) slowly nodded her head, unsure of what exactly Harry was asking of her, but she did know it was really important to make sure she was cleaned up well since they didn't use protection. She'd done some research, and would rather not deal with the consequences of being lazy and shy about Harry's instructions. She did as asked, thighs trembling from oversensitivity as she tried to squeeze out the last bit of warmth Harry left with her.

"Good girl, angel," he praised her through a strained voice, the damp washcloth immediately collecting whatever was left over before she settled back into the mattress, muscles too tired to keep going. Unexpectedly, (Y/N) felt stray curls brush the inside of her thighs before Harry dropped a kiss to the top of her core. She gasped in surprise to which she heard a breathy laugh sound from between her legs. "Go use the bathroom, and I'll get your pajamas ready, yeah?"

"Okay," she peeped, craning her neck to find him already looking at her with a short smile on his lips, the idea of him dimples barely denting into his cheeks. "Thank you, H."

Harry shook his head, brushing off her thanks before urging her to the edge of their bed with a pat to the soft of her thigh. She hurried off, feeling Harry's eyes on her back and bottom before she shut the door behind her. In the silence of the bathroom, she allowed herself a moment to decompress, doing her business before the chill of the tile on her bare feet made her shiver. It wasn't until she was in front of the sink, washing her hands afterwards, that she got a good look at herself.

Despite the fact she kept to a strict skincare routine, none of her creams or serums could do anything to emulate the glow that radiated from her skin. She felt warm all over, comfortable in her skin; as much was evident in the lightness that brightened her gaze and rounded her features. As exhausted as could be seen in the way her eyelids drooped and her muscles were a little too willing to sag and bow under the weight of her body, she'd never seen herself look more awake. She'd never seen herself look so completed, at peace, and happy. She looked more in love than she could ever remember recalling.

Then, she took note of her hair.

As expected, a nest had accrued through the strands and she was going to have to work her hairbrush though it if she wanted to wake up to something semi-workable in the morning. Her shoulders dropped at the idea of brushing her hair when her body already felt too boneless to keep herself upright.

Combing her damp hands through her hair, (Y/N) exited the bathroom still bottomless to find Harry now with a pair of sweats on his legs and a distinct lack of boxers covering the v-cut of his hips. He was sat on the edge of the mattress, the mess of the bed now made into something less of a nest and more of a bed for her to crawl into when she was ready, corner folded back and everything. His eyes were clean of the eyeliner that had shadowed his waterline, a familiar blue pack of makeup wipes sitting on their nightstand with a used wipe sitting on the top of the trashcan. A stack of petal-pink clothing was settled beside him—garments she's sure he stole from where she left them in the bathroom—, only lacking a neon sign that declared it was hers.

"Better?" he asked, his attention tacked on her face as she padded across the room.

"Mhm," she hummed, trying her best not to feel vulnerable under his gaze considering what they'd just done, but it was hard when she felt distinctly half-naked compared to him, "Still cold."

"C'mere, then." He spread his legs and carved a spot out for her as he grabbed for the oversized, pink crewneck of his that she'd taken to wearing to bed.

(Y/N) smiled at him when she took her spot between his legs, feeling just at home. This was their ritual, how he always took care of her after a night between the sheets. He made sure she was clean and warm before settling into bed and whispering the sweetest things to her as she tucked her head into his chest, ensuring she was asleep before he allowed himself to drift off. (Y/N) knew exactly what he was going to ask of her once he unfolded the article of clothing that acted as her sleepwear, so she beat him to the punch by lifting her arms up before he had a chance to say anything.

A breathy laugh sounded in the quiet of the hotel room, Harry shaking his head before tugging the crewneck over her body. He fixed the hem to sit on the mid of her thighs, covering everything important before he flipped her hair out from the neckline of the top. Next up was the pair of tiny pink panties he helped her step into, his shoulders being used to steady her as he tugged the fabric up her thighs.

"Thank you, H," she whispered, bending down and giving him a soft kiss once he was upright.

"Of course, angel. 'S m'job to take care of you, right?" he murmured against her kiss before drawing her in for another sweet peck. He settled his hands on her waist as he looked up at her, exhaustion layering in his gaze though there was no shortage of devotion floating alongside it. "Ready for bed, lovebug?"

The idea of crawling into bed and into him was tempting enough it could have made her cry, but (Y/N) knew she couldn't settle until she brushed her hair out. So, she shook her head despite it all. "No, I've got to brush my hair still. I really made a mess of it tonight."

"Oh, love," he crooned, his hands on her waist tightening, "I can do that for you if y'want? I'll be gentle."

While a part of her didn't want to take advantage of Harry and the kindness he offered her everyday without fail, she didn't have it in her to care. "You'd do that for me?"

A laugh was exhaled through his nose, tender smile molding his features. "Go get your brush for me, yeah?"

"Thank you, thank you, H," she bubbled, ducking down and giving him one more kiss before padding off towards their luggage in search of her hairbrush.

Returning with the pink paddle brush in her hand, (Y/N) climbed into the bed, positioning herself to be sitting in front of him once he followed her suit. True to his word, Harry was unbelievably cautious and gentle as he brushed out her hair, working the knots and snags out as carefully as possible. Each time he felt he tugged too hard, or worked out a tough knot, he pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder in apology.

"Angel?" he said after a moment, working the last of the snags out before poising her hair into sections to braid it.

"Hm?" she hummed, exhaustion and the feel of the gentle runs of his fingers through her hair tugging her closer and closer to the edge of sleep despite the fact she was sitting upright.

"Thank you for trusting me tonight."

A soft smile made its way onto her features. "H, you're just fixing my hair, its not—"

"No, no, not this, darling," he cut her off, amusement floating in his tone, "I meant about earlier. I know you're on the pill and everything, but 's still a big deal to me that you'd let me do that and take care of you."

Her chest deflated at his admission, the air sucked out of her at his sincerity. "Oh," she sounded, her fingers coming together in a fumble in her lap, "H, I—... Of course, I trust you. Y-You're my best friend and favorite person in the world, I knew you were going to take care of me tonight, no matter what we did. I don't know what to say except that I love you."

With her hair tangle free and her new braid secured with the hair tie he carried on his wrist, Harry pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. "That's more than good enough for me. You're the love of m'life."

This wasn't enough, (Y/N) decided then. She couldn't hear him say all these wonderful things about her and to her without getting to see his face and kiss his cheeks and hold him. She made quick work of abandoning her station climbing onto Harry's lap. He only laughed as he wrapped her in his arms, hairbrush abandoned on the nightstand, and fell back against the pillows lining the headboard.

"You're the love of my life, too, you know," she mumbled into his neck, the words smushed and muffled as she pinned herself to him with the help of her arms around his middle.

She felt his breathing hitch against her own chest, Harry's legs tangling with her own as he splayed out underneath her. "Y'don't know how much I love hearing y'say that, (Y/N)," he whispered, the tip of his nose brushing her hairline before he pressed a kiss to her temple.

"I mean it," she declared, snuggling closer to him as she felt him reach over her for the folded edge of the duvet he pulled back for them.

"I know y'do, baby," he said, maneuvering them under the covers and placing (Y/N) at his side as he turned on to lay on his own to face her, a hand braced on the back of her head to keep her tucked away safely. "That's why it makes m'heart hurt so much. Makes me so happy hearing the y'love me like I love you."

(Y/N) was grateful for her hiding place in his neck as she felt a burning behind her eyes as she listened to him. What was she supposed to say to something like that?

"H, I-I don't know what to say," she mumbled, voice watery.

She felt his laugh before she heard it, his chest rumbling against hers with his breath fanning through her hair. "Don't have to say anything, baby. Jus' sleep, okay? I'll be right here."

Nodding her head into his neck, (Y/N) cuddled as close to him as she could, legs tangled and ankles hooked with her arms looped around his bare chest. "I love you," she reiterated.

"I love you too, angel. Now go to sleep, I'll be here when y'wake up."

It was promises like that, that made it easy for her to trust him. As if her heart had any other choice.

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ive had ideas for this for sosososo long and im so happy to finally have this out and ready for you guys!! thank u to everyone who has requested this and been so patient w me while I got it ready! and thank u to everyone who read this and sorry for any mistakes ! if you have any ideas or requests of your own please send them in:))

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