Nurse Y/N

A/N: I’ve been working on this for a couple of days and happy to finally be able to post it. Mob Tom fic, i tried to add smut but i don’t think my writings there at the minute, i’ll do it eventually. Bit of a slow burn but not too much. As always i hope you enjoy.

Summary: You’re a nurse and you’ve always been on the right side of the law, what happens when you meet a man that sweet and caring but definitely not on the right side of the law.

Warnings: Language, mentions and hints of smut.

W/C: 4.4K,

You’d lived with your best friend for around a year now. A bad relationship had brought you to his door, he took you in and the rest is history. You were working as a nurse in the local hospital and you had no idea what exactly it was that your best friend did, he didn’t talk much about it, claiming he “just did odd jobs for someone”. You were sceptical to say the least, the amount of times he had come home covered in bruises led you to believe that his activities were probably not legal. But he never brought it home and being non the wiser made things slightly easier for you. It was your day off and you were stuck into a Netflix series when you saw your best friends name light up on your phone screen. You noticed it was 1am and wondered why he wasn’t home yet.

“Hi James. What’s up?”

“Y/N? Where are you?” He asked in a rushed tone. He sounded out of breath. You could hear the slamming of a car door over the speaker.

“I’m at home. Why? James what’s wrong?” You asked him, voice growing more concerned.

“I need your help. If I text you an address can you meet me there?”

“Sure. James are you okay?” You asked as you started to put your shoes on.

“I’m fine! I just need you to meet me.”

“Okay, text me the address.” You sighed as you hung up and grabbed your car keys.

Once you received the address you set off in the direction that your SAT NAV was taking you. As you came nearer to the destination you started to feel more and more uneasy. It was almost too quiet for London. You pulled into what looked like an abandoned warehouse, now you were really uneasy. You fumbled around your bag as you tried to find your phone, with a tight grip you dialled James’ number.

“Y/N? Where are you?”

“I’m outside but what is going on? Where have you brought me?”

“Stay there I’ll be out in a second.” He huffed as he put the phone down.

He wasn’t wrong, it couldn’t have been 30 seconds later that he arrived at your car, pulling the door open. He looked physically fine but the worry on his face still had you on your guard. What on Earth was going on? You glanced at the time in your car 1.10am. What the hell is happening?

“Y/N. I’m sorry for calling so late but I didn’t know who else to call. I can’t go to a hospital and I need one, so I need your help. I need you to do something for me.” He spoke faster than you thought physically possible.

“Slow down. What is it? Are you hurt?” You asked as you scanned him overlooking for wounds that weren’t there. What did he mean he needed a hospital but couldn’t go?

“The guy I work for. He’s been injured, someone managed to get a shot off on him.” He rambled as he pulled you towards the building.

“Shot! What the hell are you talking about? What do you do?” You almost screamed.

“Look. I promise I’ll explain everything Y/N. But right now I need you to help him. I can’t take him to a hospital it would be too risky. I need you to take the bullet out and stitch him up. Please, he’s my boss. He’ll make it worth your while.” He asked you with pleading eyes as he pulled you further into the warehouse.

“James. I’m not a surgeon! I don’t know if I can do that!” You started to panic now.

“You can give stitches though? He’s been shot in the arm, he’s losing blood, but I think the bullet is stemming the bleeding. I don’t think it’s lodged too far in. Please and I promise I’ll explain everything.”

The nurse in you was screaming at you to try and help who ever it was but you were frightened, you weren’t a surgeon. What if it went wrong? He could sue you; you’d lose your career. You weren’t supposed to do this off duty. So many things were running through your mind as James took you into another room that was filled with 4 other men. All dressed rather smart to say they’d clearly been involved in illegal activity. The man who James had informed you was the boss became apparent when you saw him clutching his arm. Blood dripping down it.

“Boss. This is Y/N, she’s a nurse.” James explained as you both stopped in front of him. He was attractive at first glance. Beautiful brown eyes and brown curls that were almost begging to have fingers run through them. You kept quiet, feeling intimidated as he stared you down, expression completely unreadable.

“Can you trust her?” The ‘Boss’ asked James.

“She’s been my best friend for years; you can trust her.” James answered confidently. You just shook your head, finally having the courage to speak up.

“Hang on just a second. What do you mean can you trust her? I’m the one who should be wondering that, your sat there having been shot, apparently need my help and you have the audacity to ask if you can trust me?” You almost screamed at the man in front of you. You don’t know what made you snap, maybe it was the stress of the situation or how tired you suddenly felt. James grasped your arm in a tight grip.

“Y/N. I love you, but this is no time to be head strong. Just please, be respectful, he’s an important man.” He said to you as he released your arm. Before you could say anything, the brown eyed man spoke first.

“No, that’s quite alright James. She’s feisty, nothing wrong with that.” He said as he smirked in your direction. He may have been good looking, but he was irritating the hell out of you. You just looked at him as if to say, “what the fuck?” He just smiled at you. “Now, I would very much appreciate it if you could help me out. I will pay you what ever you want, and I promise not to say a word to anyone about what you have done for me.” He gave you what seemed to be a genuine smile and you sighed. Perhaps doing what he asked was the fastest way to get to bed.

“Look, I’m not a surgeon. I might not be able to do much, but I’ll try. Let me have a look.” You said as you eyed him carefully. James had left to stand near the other 3 men in the room. You took his arm as you assessed the damage. Maybe you could do this. The wound didn’t look all that bad. “I think I can do this. It just, it will hurt, and I don’t have anything to numb the pain. In fact, I don’t have anything at all to work with.” You suddenly realised.

“Well I came somewhat prepared. Sam? Have you got the first aid kit?” He turned to one of the men. ‘Sam’ nodded and made his way towards you, handing you the first aid kit and making his way back to his original spot. This really was some strange operation.

“Like I said, this might hurt.” You sighed as you got to work.

**

“Okay. All done.” You said as you finished up the stitching. You were surprised at how little he flinched throughout the process. He must have one hell of a pain tolerance. “Take some paracetamol and ibuprofen when you get home. I really would suggest you go to an actual hospital to make sure I removed that bullet properly.” You said as covered the stitching with a bandage.

“Thank you very much. I’m sure I won’t be going to a hospital, not sure how I would explain a bullet wound without the police getting involved and what would I tell them? I’d have to tell them nurse Y/N helped me out in the first place.” He teased.

“Whatever, just please don’t sue me if you end up losing your arm.”

“I promise. Now how much would you like for what you have done. Name your price. It’s yours.”

“I don’t want anything. Just please don’t tell anyone what I did and try and stay out of trouble.” You sighed as you looked into his brown eyes. You really were tired now, thankful that you had a day off tomorrow, well today.

“I already promised that I wouldn’t say anything and as for staying out of trouble I’m afraid I can’t promise you that. But hopefully I won’t need your services like this again. Are you sure you don’t want any money?”

“I’m sure. It wouldn’t feel right to take money when I know I shouldn’t have done that. I really just want to go home and go to bed.”

“Whatever makes you feel better princess.” He said as he flashed you a genuine smile and that nickname made your stomach do things that you’d rather not think about. He wasn’t someone you should get mixed up with. That much you could tell.

“James? Are you coming?” You finally turned to your best friend and he just shook his head, saying that he had things to finish up there and with that you left. You fell into bed and as soon as your head hit the pillow you were asleep.

**

You woke up at around 12pm, having not gotten into bed until 3am and you were still feeling exhausted. You briefly wondered if last night was just a strange dream was just but you knew it wasn’t. You made your way downstairs and made yourself a coffee, yeah you were going to need caffeine to wake up today. You wandered into the living room where you saw James sat on the couch, he looked over at you.

“Y/N. Thank you so much for last night. I’m so fucking sorry that I dragged you into that, but I couldn’t let anything happen to him, he’s a very important man.” James rambled as you took a seat on the opposite end of the couch, sipping your coffee.

“I just want an explanation, James. It’s the least you can do.” You were still slightly pissed at him, but you knew he wouldn’t have risked you and your job if it wasn’t important.

“Okay. Look, I’m involved with the London ‘mob’ if you want to call it that. I’ve made it pretty far up in the ranks and that was my boss, the leader you saved last night. We were reclaiming some old territory when things went a little south and he got shot. I can’t thank you enough for what you did, and I promise I wouldn’t have gotten you involved if I didn’t have to.” He sighed. You’d stayed silent, taking in his words and you just sighed back.

“Listen, I’m still pissed but it’ll pass. I had a gut feeling you were involved in something illegal and I think you should get out if you can but please don’t get me involved like that again and we’ll continue to pretend that this never happened and you don’t do what you do for a living. The less I know the better.” James smiled at you as he hugged you.

“Thank you Y/N. You’re the best. I love you; you know that. I can deal with you being pissed; I deserve that much. I promise I’ll make it up to you, pizza for tea. I’m buying!”

Most people would say that you’d had a rather nonchalant response but honestly. You didn’t want to know more; he was your best friend and maybe you were trying to look the other way to protect your image of him or maybe you were still tired and your brain hadn’t quite caught up yet but you left it at that and he told you he was going to ‘work’ and off he went about his day as you started going about your own.

You’d just been for a shower when you heard a knock at the door. You hadn’t been expecting a visitor and assumed it was your friend who also had today off. You threw on your pyjamas which consisted of shorts and a tank top as you made your way to the door.

“You know Lizzy, you could’ve texted me before you decided to- “Your words were cut short as you opened the door. It wasn’t Lizzy at all, it was the man you’d helped last night, escorted by two other men that you didn’t recognise.

“If I had your number, I might’ve done sweetheart.” He said as he took in your attire. You suddenly felt self-conscious under his stare and wished you’d have grabbed your dressing gown.

“What are you doing here? How did you know where I live?” you asked him.

“My apologies but James said you lived together, and I know where all my staff live.”

“Okay, so what do you want?”

“I came to thank you properly for last night. You don’t want paying and I can’t take what you did for free.” He said as he watched you cautiously eye the two men that he’d brought with him. “Don’t worry about them, apparently I’m not aloud to go anywhere alone until my arm is healed. Mum’s orders and you know you don’t argue with your mother.” He said, trying to ease you, you still looked somewhat tense. “Can I come in? I’ll make them stay outside.” He asked and there was that genuine smile again. It made your stomach flip and you just nodded as you moved aside and let him in. Shutting the door rapidly as he crossed the thresh hold.

You hadn’t noticed his hands were full until he placed down a large box on your kitchen counter. “Do I want to know what’s in there?” You couldn’t help but ask.

“Well unless you’re allergic to anything in there, I wouldn’t be too concerned.” He teased. You made your way over and opened the box, it was full of god knows how many boxes of all different types of chocolate. “I did ask James and he said you loved chocolate so I thought I could repay you by starting there.”

“Well thank you but honestly I don’t want anything else. It’s not like you were on deaths door.” You joked back. Something about him set you at ease when it probably shouldn’t have.

“Well who knows? I might’ve lost my arm.” He laughed. You couldn’t help but laugh with him, it was almost contagious. “Tom by the way.”

“Wow. James didn’t call you Tom; I must be honoured.” You laughed.

“Well unlike James, you don’t work for me princess.”

“No, I suppose I don’t.”

“Cute pj’s by the way.” He teased as he eyed you again. You instantly wrapped your arms around yourself, feeling conscious under his stare, but not in a bad way, in a way that made your stomach flutter and heat rush to your cheeks.

“Um, thanks. Look, not to be rude but what do you want?” You asked as you locked eyes with him. God he was beautiful.

“I’d like to take you out to lunch, as a thank you. Don’t read too much into it.”

“Will you take no for an answer?”

“Not really darling.”

“Fine. Give me 10 minutes.” You laughed as you made your way upstairs to get changed.

**

He took you to a nice restaurant at the other side of town, it seemed expensive, but he didn’t seem to mind, it seemed like he knew everyone that worked there. He probably owned it; you came to realise. It was actually a lovely afternoon spent chatting and getting to know him. There were numerous times when you found yourself wondering how he ended up being part of a mob. He was sweet but every time you remembered what he did for a living you were reminded that you couldn’t let yourself go there.

**

“And where have you been?” James teased as you came through the door.

“Out.” You answered vaguely.

“With a certain brown eyed, brown haired mobster?”

“How did you know?” You asked, shocked.

“Well I know he was interested in how I knew you and then we didn’t see him again all day.”

“Right, well, he just wanted to say thank you.” You said as you joined him on the couch.

“Bullshit Y/N. I think he has a soft spot for you.” He continued to tease you. “I mean come on. He’s gorgeous.”

“It was just a thank you lunch!” You defended yourself. “Besides it wouldn’t be a good idea, you know with what he does for a living, if you want to call it that.”

“Yeah, but he could offer you protection and all the money you’d ever need. He might do illegal stuff but he’s not a complete monster Y/N.”

“James, please don’t go there.” You groaned as you took a slice of pizza from the box he’d ordered in.

“Okay, okay. I know that look though. That one you had when you came through that door. I just have one question for you.” He said as he laughed.

“What’s that?” You asked, mouth full of pizza.

“When are you seeing him again?”

You picked up the nearest pillow and hit him with it, mumbling a ‘fuck off’ as he laughed at you. You finished your night watching a movie before heading to bed, dreams of a curly haired, brown eyed boy flooding your dreams.

**

Two weeks passed before you saw Tom again. James had mentioned he wasn’t going to be in for the night, and you’d decided to read a book as there was a knock at the door. You made your way over and opened the door, there he was, alone this time.

“Déjà vu. I swear you had exactly the same thing on the last time you opened this door for me.” He laughed as he gestured towards your attire.

“I did. What are you doing here Tom?”

“I actually just came to see you.” He said as he made his way past you so you could close the door.

“And why’s that?”

“Look, I can’t stop thinking about Y/N. God knows I’ve tried but I can’t, and I know we hardly know each other but I’d like to change that.” He answered, he’d stepped slightly closer to you.

“Tom.” You sighed. “We shouldn’t. This isn’t a good idea, you know that right?”

“Trust me, I’ve been through this a thousand times since we last saw each other but I can’t help it. I think I like you, like a lot.” He said as he reached towards you, catching a strand of your hair as he played with the end of it. Your heart rate was starting to pick up at the closeness.

“Tom I-“

“I could give you everything and anything you want princess. I’d look after you and that’s a promise, I know my line of work is messy and comes with risks but I’m willing to risk everything for a chance with you.” He’d tucked the strand of hair behind your ear and placed his hand on your cheek, moving his face closer to yours, you could feel his breath on your lips.

“We shouldn’t” you whispered, although you knew you didn’t mean it. He just shook his head in agreement with you. Lips almost touching.

“If you don’t want to just tell me to stop.” He whispered against your lips. Your body moved before your brain could catch up and you connected your lips. It was like fireworks had exploded in your stomach. Your lips moved against each other as your fingers made their way into his curls, god they were soft.

He backed you up until your back hit the cool wall behind you, moving his hands to grip your hips. His tongue slid over your bottom lip asking for access which you gladly gave. Your tongues danced together like they were old dance partners. Knowing exactly how to move together and it made you moan slightly. You pulled back for a bit of air before his lips were back on yours. You’d never been kissed like this before. Almost as if he was trying to tell you everything through the kiss.

He tapped your thigh and you jumped, his strong arms instantly catching you as he pinned you further against the wall. Your mind was racing, this was possibly the hottest, most intense kiss you had ever engaged with. “Do you want to stop?” He mumbled against your lips. You only shook your head in response reconnecting your lips as he carried you through the flat, you directed him towards your bed room and the night was spent with you receiving the most amount of attention and pleasure you’d ever experienced with another human being.

**

You woke up with a warm arm wrapped around your waist, your mind flooded with the events of the night before. You smiled to yourself as you carefully removed his arm and made your way into the bathroom. You examined yourself in the mirror after having brushed your teeth and gasped at the large hickey that had been left on the sweet spot of your neck. You bit your lip and smiled. You threw on Tom’s shirt that he’d worn last night and some underwear, making your way into the kitchen. You boiled the kettle as you got two mugs out, lost in your thoughts you didn’t hear a second person enter the kitchen.

“Well someone looks happy.” James laughed as you lightly screamed and turned around to face him.

“James, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” You gasped, hand on heart as you waited for it to beat at a regular pace again.

“I recognise that shirt.”

“How can you recognise a white button up shirt?” You asked in disbelief.

He just laughed at pointed at the sleeve, you looked down and on the cuff of the shirt was ‘T.H’ embroidered in gold. Heat instantly rose to your cheeks.

“It’s none of your business!”

He threw his hands up in defence. “You’re right, it’s not. You look happy though, I’m happy for you.”

“I don’t- we haven’t spoken about it.” You sighed. Just as you spoke Tom walked into the kitchen, he smiled at you.

“I wondered where that had gotten to.” He laughed gesturing towards the shirt as he said morning to James. James shook his head and laughed.

“I’ll leave you two to it.” He grabbed his keys and wallet and walked out of the flat. Leaving you and Tom stood in the kitchen. He was shirtless and he looked good, you bit your lip as you looked at him.

“Morning princess.” He smiled as he wrapped you in a tight, warm embrace.

“We should talk about last night.” You mumbled against his chest. He sighed.

“Look, I meant what I said. All of it.” He kissed the top of your head. You pulled out of his embrace as you looked at him.

“I just- I know it might seem ridiculous because of last night but I want to take it slow. We should get to know each other. We don’t know enough about each other yet and last night, I don’t regret it but maybe we should take it back to step one.”

“Whatever you want princess. I promise I’ll look after you. I know my line of work bothers you and I hope that you can accept that it’s part of what I do but I understand if getting to know me more means that that is too much for you.” He said as he looked into your eyes. He was being vulnerable, honest and you knew you had to give him the chance. You’d regret it if you didn’t.

**

You went on dates and it would be three months before you found yourself in bed with him again. You fell hard and you fell fast for him. You ended up leaving your job in favour of becoming the woman who oversaw all of Tom’s books. He kept you safe and he loved you and made you feel more loved than you thought possible. Anything you wanted, you got. Anything you needed, you had. Anything you asked of him, done.

You never imagined that you’d end up dating a man on the wrong side of the law and being okay with it, being complicit in it but here you were. You married about three years in and nothing changed, he still made you feel the same way he had years prior. You had three beautiful children with him, and he was best, most loving father a child could hope for. You had two boys which he would do anything and everything for and your little girl well he doted on her completely, she was his little angel, couldn’t do a thing wrong in his eyes.

“You know I never thought I’d say this” he spoke one night as you were cuddled up in bed “but I’m actually thankful I got shot that night.”

“Most people wouldn’t be thankful for that Tom.” You teased him.

“No probably not. But I never would have met you had it not happened.” He said sincerely as he ran his fingers up and down your arm.

“No, you wouldn’t have. I’m always thankful I gave you the chance even if at the time I was wary.” You laughed as you kissed his chest.

“Admit it. I had you the second I kissed you and then gave you one of the best railings you’d ever had.” He teased which earned him a playful smack on the chest.

“Yeah that always helps.” You laughed as you rolled your eyes at him. You couldn’t be more in love with this man if you tried. 

hi! can I ask sick yuji + megumi w/ caretaker!nobara? i was thinking like a stomach bug/high fever? their friendship dynamic makes me really soft <3

Hi!! Finally, a request for the power trio, I have been waiting for this hahah!!

TW: vomiting, fever.

1.7k words, Gen.

ーーー

“No. No. You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Believe me, I feel exactly the sa一” a powerful sneeze cuts Megumi off, followed by a pained groan.

Nobara rolls her eyes, arms crossed as she watches her friend pull the blanket tighter around his own shoulders, shivering like a newborn kitty, eyes glassy and watery. She sighs.

“So you’re sick, and the other dumbass is sick too.”

A nod.

“And I’m the only one available to take care of you two.”

Another nod, reluctant. Nobara exhales, mildly annoyed. “Are you positive Yuuji’s sick? So sick that he needs any help at all?”

Megumi’s whole form shakes, and Nobara thinks he’d look adorable if not for the scowl on his face, thin eyebrows scrunched together. “I heard him vomit a little before you came here. He did it a few hours ago, too.”

“Don’t make it sound like I did it on purpose, and not because you sent your dog to get me.” she huffs, “Listen, I can’t and won’t go back and forth between your rooms, so you’re either coming to Yuuji’s, or I’m dragging him here.”

The boy pauses, pensive. “Get him here, please. My room’s cleaner, and his probably smells like puke by now.”

“So be it, then.” 

She makes a move to leave, but on the threshold, she glances back.

Megumi looks dead on his feet, it’s quite a worrying sight, in all honesty. His porcelain complexion has taken a deathly tinge, cheeks flushed of an unnatural red, contrast strong against the white skin. His hair is unusually down, bangs plastered to his sweaty forehead, locks soiled and damp. 

And everything about the shikigami sorcerer’s posture screams agony, the way he’s sitting on the edge of his messy bed, blanket draped over him, whole body hunched over, weak. 

“Will you be okay for a few minutes?” Nobara asks, suddenly aware that letting her friends die would be definitely frowned upon and sad.

“I,” he swallows, throat dry, “I think s-so.” He sounds unsure, but Nobara takes his word and leaves, hurrying to the adjacent room. 

She doesn’t bother knocking. The acrid smell of vomit hits her, making her waver on the threshold for a moment before she makes a jog towards the other end of the room and opens a window, letting the fresh morning breeze rush in and purify the environment. 

“Yuuji?” she calls then, moving towards the bathroom, “It’s Nobara. Are you okay?”

She peeks inside, door slightly ajar. With a yell caught in her throat, she immediately slams the door open, flinging herself at her friend, who’s lying next to the toilet, face pressed against the freezing tiles. He’s deathly still, and the nail sorcerer’s heart stops for a second. 

But then, Yuuji moans. She immediately drops to her knees, hands hovering uncertainly. 

“Yuuji? Hey?”

The boy doesn’t stir. Nobara gingerly extends a hand, patting her friend’s cheek delicately to rouse him, “Come on, you need to move to Megumi’s room so that I can take care of your sorry asses. Yuuji? Wakey-wakey, time to get up.” The lightness of her words isn’t enough to mask the edge of concern behind them. 

But, they do the trick. Yuuji slowly blinks, sheepish, a hand moving from where it’s laying, on his side, to his face, rubbing at it. “...Nobara?” 

“You sound like shit.” she hisses, “How much have you thrown up?”

He hesitates. “Six t’mes. Maybe mo’...” Yuuji croaks out, voice broken.

“Do you think you can get up with my help?”

“But... s’nice here…”

“It isn’t. The smell is terrible and the floor is filthy.” she bits, “Megumi’s sick, too. He hasn’t thrown up, I think, but he’s running a high fever. Speaking of which…” she gently presses a hand against Yuuji’s forehead, then his neck, and his forehead again, “You don’t feel too warm, luckily. But I need to keep an eye on you both and it’d be easier for me if you two were in the same room.”

“Megumi’s sick? S’he ‘kay?”

She smiles, sympathetic, “Better off than you, for sure. Come on, now, let’s get you up. We’ll take it slow.” 

With calculated movements, and so very carefully, Yuuji sits up, eyes squeezed shut as nausea washes over him like a tidal wave. Nobara keeps a strong hand on his back, and uses her other one to grab at Yuuji’s wrist and gently drag him upright, steadying him when he tilts slightly. 

“I stink…” the boy murmurs under his breath, cheeks heating up.

“I’m sure Megumi won’t mind if you use his shower. Let’s get going, he’s probably worried. I am too. Wouldn’t want him to die under my watch, you know?” she jokes, and Yuuji smiles, albeit briefly.

On the way out of the bathroom, Nobara extends a hand and grabs her friend’s toothbrush, handing it to him, “For later.”

The road back takes an embarrassingly long time, considering that the two manage to walk the ten meters of distance between one door and the other in almost five minutes, having to stop every step because of false alarms and dizzy spells.

“We’re back.” Nobara announces as soon as they step in. Megumi’s once sitting form is now laying on his side, legs bent awkwardly and dangling off the side of the bed. 

He really just fell there, huh? 

Nobara quickly guides Yuuji to sit on the opposite edge of the bed, and makes a dash to the bathroom to retrieve a plastic basin and a plastic glass of tap water. “Drink slowly.” she says, handing the items to her sick friend. 

He nods, grateful, and lets Nobara help him to sit with his back against the wooden headboard, a spare pillow supporting his lower back. “I’ll go fetch something for the nausea after I take care of Megumi, alright?”

“Dun need to speak to me like tha’...” he snorts, weak, “M’not a baby.”

“You are. He is, too. Now relax.” she says, and despite her words, the tone is soft, caring. 

Nobara walks to the other side of the bed, and wraps her arms around the cocoon of blankets that her friend has enveloped himself into, propping the teen up and with his head on the pillow. She then lifts his ankles, and sets his lanky legs on the bed. 

Then, one after the other, the blankets are gone, leaving Megumi’s shivering body exposed, him shaking like a leaf despite the fuzzy socks and jumper. The thermometer is already on the bedside table, and Nobara is quick to reach for it and slide it under her friend’s sweaty armpit.

It beeps after less than a minute. “39,9°C? Megumi, shit, what the一 you didn’t tell me it was this bad.” she cringes. 

Once she’s sure that the boy won’t roll off the bed with his shivers and little jerking motions, Nobara heads for the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets hastily. 

“God bless, this is one stocked med-kit.” she hums to herself, “Hot patches, for Yuuji’s stomach. Then, hm, what’s in here一 oh, anti-nausea, good, and paracetamol suppositories...” she stops, eyes wide. “The ones that…? Okay, you know what, he can handle that on his own, none of my business.”

Her muttering is interrupted by the sound of Yuuji giving a strong productive heave, and another one, dry, judging by the lack of other disturbing sounds. Nobara immediately goes back to the bedroom, at Yuuji’s side in an instant. 

“Shh, it’s okay, try to breathe deeply.” She rubs soothing circles on his back as Yuuji dry-heaves and sputters, eyes bloodshot. She briefly glances into the basin, heart clenching as she sees the water he’s just drunk. “You’re fine, you’re going to be fine. I got you some anti-nausea meds, you can take them dry so you don’t have to worry about drinking anymore, okay?”

He gives a shaky nod, breath hitched. “S’rry, m’sorry.”

“None of that. Breathe through your nose, Yuuji, you’re fine.” The gentle hand on his back never stops moving, and it takes longer than he’d like to admit for the bout and panic to die down. He sinks back, head hitting against the headboard quite violently.

Nobara is quick to hand him a pill, with a pained smile. “Here.”

And Sukuna’s vessel takes it without further ado, swallowing it down with ease, eyes shut as he focuses on his breaths. That’s Nobara’s cue to extract a hot patch from the container. “I’m going to lift your hoodie and put this on your stomach, okay? It will help, I promise.”

He nods, and she’s rapid to apply the patch. “Give it a few minutes.” she says, and instinctively brings a hand up to smooth back his hair, damp. “Rest.”

Megumi hasn’t stopped tossing and turning, hugging himself for warmth, knees drawn close to his chest. Nobara sighs. She returns to the bathroom, taking the basin with her and quickly rinsing it in the shower. Then, she grabs a clean towel, and runs it under the stream of cold water. Heedless of the drops that fall onto the floor, she moves back to the bedroom, and gingerly sets the cold towel upon Megumi’s forehead, shushing him gently when he whimpers like a kicked puppy. 

“It’s okay, this will help you. Leave it on.” she says.

Then, she sets the basin next to Yuuji’s side of the bed. A quick look at the guy is enough to tell that he’s spent, conked out, and Nobara is gentle and swift when she moves him into a lying position, on his side, head facing the outside of the bed. He barely reacts, too out of it to wake up entirely.

Finally, Nobara retrieves the paracetamol, “Hey.” she calls, delicately nudging Megumi, “I need you to take one of these. I can help but frankly, I’d rather die.” she chuckles. 

Megumi, too, is too exhausted to do much beyond a tiny smile. “Later, m’tired.”

“...Fine. But if your fever’s not down by half a degree in an hour, you’re taking it or I’m getting someone else to do it. Your choice.”

He scoffs, shivering, “A’ight.”

She sighs. She could go back to her room and come back later, but frankly, she’d feel bad if something happened to her friends during her absence. 

“Move” Nobara says, and scoots in between her friends.

“Wasn’t aware m’room had b’come a hostel.”

“Shut it, you should be sleeping.” she says, side-eyeing Megumi with an amused smile, no real malice in her tone. Once she feels her friends relax and drift off, Nobara finally allows herself to rest.

ーーー

Let me know what you think of this, and if you have an ao3 hit me up so that I can gift this to you once I post it there!!

September 5, 2021.

Bloody Knight

Summary: Jason returns home from a night on patrol. He’s hurt and bloody, and it’s up to Y/N to take care of him.

Warnings: Mentions of blood, bruises and violence

The rain splattering on the window woke you up, but a familiar sound got your attention. You glanced at the alarm clock on your bedside cabinet, 2:49AM

You heard footsteps on the fire escape outside your bedroom window. It was probably Jason coming home from patrol, but in case it was never him; you knew Jason kept an emergency handgun in the bedside cabinets.

The window slowly opened, and you wondered if it was Jason or if it was someone else; someone attempting to break in, or kidnap you as leverage against Red Hood and the rest of Batman’s entourage.

The curtains were pulled back and Jason stumbled into the apartment. You were relieved, but only for a second as you noticed something was wrong with him.

You turned on the bedside lamp and saw him lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. He groaned as he tried to stand up.

“Jason!” You exclaimed.

“I’m ok.” He groaned. You climbed out of bed and went to him, he was bleeding. Blood was dripping onto the hardwood floor, and seeping through his clothes. Mud covered his boots and you saw blood splatters.

You quickly closed the window and drew the curtains so nobody could see into the apartment. Then you tended to Jason.

 You pulled off his hood and removed his domino mask, blood was splattered over his face, along with mud.

“Jay, what happened?” You asked, holding his face in your hands, you listened to his breathing and could tell he was struggling a bit, “Jay, calm down. Just breathe.”

Jason listened and tried to steady his breathing; it didn’t take him long to get it under control, he was used to this.

You wrapped your arm around him and tried to get him to stand, “Come on.” You said helping him get to his feet, he wrapped his arm around you and it was then you realised how heavy Jason was, it was taking all of your strength to hold him up. Sure, most of it was muscle, and the rest was the weight of his costume plus and the rain, blood, and mud that it had soaked up.

You took him into the bathroom and sat him on the closed toilet seat. You peeled off his jacket and dropped it into the bathtub. You saw bruises along his muscular arms.

Ignoring them for the moment, you pulled off the rest of his costume, and he helped with the bottoms. You threw the rest of his clothes into the bathtub, leaving him only in his boxers.

You looked at Jason, “Is it bad?” He asked, “It feels bad.”

Along with the bruises on his arms, Jason also had multiple dark bruises on his torso, a cut that was bleeding and what looked like a boot imprint on his stomach. He had cuts on his legs, but they weren’t that bad. It was mainly bruising that covered his body.

You shook your head, “No, I’ll just dab some alcohol rub on your legs and clean up that cut, it doesn’t look deep. And I’ll get some ice for that.” Pointed to his stomach. You stood up, but as you reached into the medicine cabinet, you looked back at Jason and the state he was in.

You sighed. Grabbing a towel from the rack on the wall, you laid it onto the floor and removed the clothes from the bathtub and dropped them onto the towel.

I’ll deal with that later.

And you began to run a bath.

“What are you doing?” Jason asked. “I’m not letting you get into bed in that state.” You replied.

“Y/N, you don’t need too.”

“I do.” You replied.

Whilst the bath was running, you grabbed the alcohol rub and a pack of cotton balls out of the medicine cabinet and began dabbing the cuts on his legs. Jason hissed as the alcohol stung his cuts.

You chuckled, “They are only little cuts, babe.”

“The little ones are always the most painful.” He commented, “Remember that paper cut you got last week?”

“Alright, ok I get it. But the next one is gonna be a more painful.”

You were lucky that you had picked up a few things from your father, who was a paramedic and volunteered to teach first aid at some of the elementary schools in Gotham City.

You grabbed another towel, a small one this time. You dipped it part of it into the bathtub, you brought it back to Jason and gently dabbed the cut on his torso, he hissed a little bit but you thought that the warm water was less painful than the alcohol rub.

Once the cut was cleaned of blood, you poured some of the alcohol rub onto the drier part of the towel and dabbed it against the cut, Jason hissed again and you thought about how painful it must be.

But it seemed that the pain had quickly began to subside, but you continued dabbing the wound until you were satisfied that it wouldn’t get infected, when you were done you fished in the first aid kit for a bandage big enough to cover the wound, and luckily enough to find several in the bottom of the box.

You ripped the packaging open and covered the wound on his torso.

You stopped the bath running and began to put the first aid kit away but kept one of the bandages out. “Take your boxers off.” You spoke.

Jason chuckled, “You’re very bold.”

“Jason.” You gave him a look that said, this isn’t the time for jokes

And it worked, he took off his boxers and kicked the to the pile of his clothes, you put the rubbing alcohol and the cotton balls back in the cabinet. The you helped Jason into the bath.

He sighed as the hot water touched his skin

The water quickly became a mixture of red and brown as the blood and mud came off his body. You quickly went to the kitchen and grabbed the measuring jug from the cupboard and when you returned to the bathroom, you filled it up with warm water and poured it over his dark hair.

The water washed blood out of his hair and it ran down his face. You poured another jug of water over his hair before you grabbed the bottle of Jason’s shampoo and squeezed a large amount into you hand and began to massage it into his hair.

Jason closed his eyes as the suds began to run down his face, and the bubbles had turned at red/brown colour from the grime in his hair. Then you rinsed his hair a few times before you were sure his hair was clean.

 You grabbed the sponge and the bar of soap that sat on the side, and you began to wash the grime off him, staring with his face. You wiped away the blood that had been washed from his hair.

“That’s better.” You smiled. Jason smirked at you as you continued to wash him.

“So, tell me. What happened?” You asked as you squeezed the soapy sponge onto his right shoulder.

Jason sighed heavily, “It was just supposed to be a patrol. Bruce hadn’t pick up any activity on the bat computer, but he was keeping an eye on it. It was quiet until I heard a scream, so I followed it. I ended up in Crime Alley.”

You rinsed the sponge in the water before lathering it up again.

“A woman was being mugged, and I stopped it but they got away with her purse, so I followed them. I followed them to an old factory a few blocks away, and I didn’t even realise it was the Joker’s old hideout.”

You stopped sponging his back and asked, “Isn’t the Joker in Arkham?”

Jason nodded, “Yeah he is, but Harley Quinn isn’t. Nor are the Joker’s henchmen. They jumped me as I entered the factory.”

You sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, Y/N. It’s not your fault.” He reached for your hand and you let him take it. He brought it to his lips and kissed your knuckles.

“The three of them overpowered me, it was Harley who did this.” He said pointing to the injuries on his torso, “But I managed to get my gun, and I shot one of the goons. I didn’t kill him, just shot his shoulder. Then I broke the other guys leg and knocked Harley out. I couldn’t wait for Batman to turn up, so I called the GCPD and I left.”

You kissed his shoulder and pulled the plug out and let the water drain. You grabbed a towel and wrapped it around him as he stood out of the bathtub.

You let him dry himself whilst you went into the bedroom and grabbed a pair of boxers for him to wear to bed.

When you came back and he was dry, you threw him the boxers which he pulled on.

Carefully, you pulled the bandage off his torso and dabbed it dry. The replaced it with a clean, dry bandage.

“Go to bed Jay, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Leave that until the morning.” Jason said as you gathered his clothes and put them back into the bathtub.

“No, it won’t take a few minutes.” You said, running the bath again. You planned to leave his clothes soaking in the tub overnight to get the worse of the grime out, then you could put them in the washing machine in the morning.

Jason wondered into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water for you both, along with a packet of paracetamol. He was in a lot less pain that he was when he had arrived home, thanks to you, but his bruises still pained him.

He laid down on the bed after taking two of the paracetamols.

When you climbed into bed next to him, he pulled you against his chest, “What would I do without you?” He mumbled, pressing his lips to your forehead.

You smiled, “That’s a scary thought.”

Jason chuckled, “I love you.”

“I love you too. Good night Red Hood.”

“Night babe.”

I Guess I’m Just Unlucky

This was requested on my AO3

TW fever, fainting

Soobin had woken up not feeling particularly great. He couldn't quite place what was wrong aside from most probably having a fever. He was also feeling a bit achy, but brushed it off on the probable fever and the extra dance practice he’d been putting in recently. He slowly got out of bed.

When he arrived in the kitchen, he realized he really wasn’t all that hungry. He decided on two pieces of toast and hoped that the other members wouldn’t question him too much. Unfortunately for Soobin, Yeonjun had very much noticed the lack of food he had taken.

“Soobinie, are you feeling okay? You normally take more food than that.” Yeonjun walked over to the younger and placed his hand on his forehead. “You don’t feel warm, I’m going to grab the thermometer just to be sure.” Soobin nodded and sighed thinking that the thermometer for sure would say he had a fever, sidelining him until further notice. Yeonjun quickly came back and took the younger’s temperature. “You don’t have a fever Binnie. Are you sure you just want toast for breakfast?”

Soobin just nodded. “I’m sure hyung, I’m just not all that hungry this morning.”

As the other three woke up and came out for breakfast Soobin couldn’t help but notice a headache beginning to form. He excused himself from the table and went to the bathroom to get paracetamol. He was only gone for a few seconds and continued eating his toast when he returned.

Dance practice could have gone better. Soobin had found himself feeling rather listless and lethargic for much of the day’s practice, and when asked about it just said he was tired. He honestly wasn’t sure why he was so out of it today, he just was. As much as he wanted to stay late to make up for the disaster of practice, Soobin decided it would be better for him to go home and try to sleep off whatever funk he was in.

The following morning when he woke up, Soobin was feeling equally as bad. However this time he woke up with a headache. He decided to seek comfort today instead of brushing it off. He slowly made his way to the kitchen where he knew the others would be, and rested his head on the first person he could find. Which happened to be the maknae.

“Hyung,” Hueningkai whined. Soobin just whined back in response, which got everyone’s attention. “Hyung, are you okay?” Kai asked with concern evident in his voice. “Don’t feel good.” Yeonjun disappeared to grab the thermometer and put it in the younger’s mouth. The minute long wait was a bit tense, and Beomgyu quickly grabbed the thermometer the second it beeped. 

“It’s normal hyung. Maybe slightly elevated, but normal.” All the members looked, and sure enough it read 98.9, “In what way don’t you feel good, Binnie?” Yeonjun asked “I have a headache, I also just want to go back to sleep.” Taehyun went and grabbed some pain killers for Soobin, but ultimately there wasn’t much that could be done. Soobin once again ate a mediocre breakfast and got ready for another day of dance practice.

Dance practice had been going worse than yesterday. Yesterday, Soobin was just a bit off tempo and seemingly a bit tired, but today, he kept spacing out. He also kept absentmindedly rubbing at his chest as if it were itchy. Eventually a break was called and Yeonjun walked over to the younger who was drinking water. “Soobin, I think it might be a good idea to head back to the dorm to rest. You’re clearly getting sick.” 

Soobin just shook his head. “You know how instructor-nim is about attendance, unless someone has a fever, is puking, has diarrhea, or is meeting with management we have to be present for the entirety of practice.” Yeonjun hummed in response. “Besides, my only symptom of being sick is not feeling good. That’s hardly going to sway instructor-nim into even letting me sit on the sidelines.” When the break ended, Soobin got up, once again rubbing/scratching at his chest.

As dance practice continued, Soobin was feeling progressively worse. It got to a point where he suspected he had finally developed a fever. But seeing as he had so bad with no fever, he couldn’t be sure. Soobin knew he needed to stop when he started seeing black spots in his vision, but a break wouldn’t be called for another half hour. He tried to push through, but his body completely gave out and he collapsed to the floor.

 The other four members froze when they heard a loud thud and saw their leader on the floor. The dance instructor did a quick once over of the collapsed member before deeming the situation as ‘not super serious’ and then ending practice for the day.

The four remaining members stared in shock as the dance instructor packed up their things and left. Taehyun quickly ran over to Sobbin and gave him a more thorough examination. “Guys, Soobin-hyung is burning up.” The other three sprung into action. Kai ran to get ice packs, Beomgyu poured water onto a towel and started to dab his hyung’s forehead, Yeonjun and Taehyun worked in sync to get Soobin’s shirt off to try to cool him off faster.

Upon removing the shirt, the members were shocked to see that Soobins chest was covered in a rash of reddish-purple spots. Yeonjun sighed before speaking. “We need to get him back to the dorm, he’s going to be out for at least a week, maybe more.” The three younger members looked confused and were about to ask what was ailing their leader when he began to stir.

“What happened?” Soobin asked when he came too. Beomgyu spoke first. “Hyung, you spiked a fever and passed out. Yeonjun-hyung seems to know what’s wrong with you, but that’s not important right now. Right now we’re getting you back to the dorm.” Soobin merely nodded and allowed Yeonjun and Taehyun to help him to his feet.

Upon arriving at the dorm, Soobin was promptly sat on the couch while Yeonjun instructed the others on what medicines to grab from their stash. While waiting Yeonjun texted the manager to let him know about the dance instructor’s behavior and Soobin’s condition.

“So what’s wrong with hyung?” asked Taehyun once they were all seated in the living room again. “Soobin-ah, I’m sorry to say, but you somehow contracted chicken pox.” Yeonjun was trying his best not to burst out laughing as he spoke, but the three younger members didn’t have such control and cracked up. Soobin just groaned when he heard that.

“Remember a couple of weeks ago when I went to visit my aunt?” The others nodded. “My little cousin was recovering from the chicken pox, but my aunt assured me he was no longer contagious. I guess she was wrong.” Soobin began to absentmindedly scratch at his chest again, only to have his hand slapped away by the maknae. “No scratching hyung. That’s rule number one, and we’ll all help to make sure you comply.” Everyone nodded in confirmation even though a couple of them were audibly still snickering.

“I’m sorry hyung, but it’s just hilarious that you caught an illness as an adult that you should have gotten as a child.” Soobin rolled his eyes “I lucked out as a child in not getting it, but I’m up to date on the chicken pox vaccination. I guess I’m just an unlucky adult.” The members hummed in understanding, but continued to tease their leader anyway.

It had been announced on social media that all five members would be halting activities while Soobin recovered from his illness. The members did make sure to pop onto vlive to check in with moa. Management decided to be cagey and not disclose Soobin’s illness to the public, which caused some mass panic among fans over the two week quarantine announcement. However, all panic was quickly squashed during the fist live, which Kai was doing. Kai saw all of the questions asking how Soobin was doing and if any of the other members were feeling sick. He started to chuckle before calling “Soobin-hyung, moa wants to know how you’re doing.

Soobin quickly came into frame of the camera looking absolutely ridiculous with oven mitts taped around his hands and calamine lotion all over his face and arms. “Sorry for worrying you moa. I somehow got chicken pox, and for the safety of any staff that may be immunocompromised, we decided to stay in the dorm together.” The duo laughed as they read some of the comments flooding the screen.

Kai chimed in after a moment. “It’s highly unlikely that any of the rest of us will catch it, as we’ve all had chickenpox before and been vaccinated. We’re just playing it safe. Besides, it gives us more time to make fun of the fact that our leader here caught the chicken pox, and now looks absolutely hilarious.” Soobin rolled his eyes before waving to moa and leaving the room.

It was a week before Soobin was given the all clear to resume activities. As predicted no one else got sick. Since Soobin still had a couple spots here and there over his body, his members were still watching him like a hawk to make sure he didn’t scratch. Yeonjun even brought the oven mitts and tape with him just in case.

Carrying the Moon

Chapter 10

Notes: There is a little soft smut part at the beginning, but you can skip it. Also I wanted to thank you for all the suggestions I got for this chapter. They really helped my creative process. Thank you @cleocc who came up with the idea behind this. Lastly I wanted to tell you that all the love I’m getting from you guys is really making my days. I’m so grateful!

It was Sunday, the last day of the best weekend Robbe and Sander had spent in months. It was strange how those months apart had appeared so long to both of them, but now that they were together again, it seemed like not a day had passed. They hadn’t forgotten each other��s habits. How they liked to sleep, how much sugar they wanted in their coffee, who was the big spoon, who’s the little.

After putting Hero to sleep, they decided to take a bath, together, of course, because since their reunion on Friday night, they hadn’t been able to stay away from one another, not even for a few seconds. So, while Sander finished washing the dishes in the kitchen, Robbe started to run a bath. He filled the bathtub and made sure to put enough soap to form some bubbles. He took off his clothes and was about to slip into the water, when Sander walked in the bathroom and hugged him from behind, pressing his lips to his neck, making him shiver.

“Hi."

Robbe smiled, enjoying that soft contact. He tilted his head a little, and Sander took it as an invitation to continue what he had just started.

"Are you happy to see me or is there something in your pocket?"

Sander stifled a laugh against his boyfriend's skin.

"I don't have pockets."

They made love there, in the bathroom. Robbe was slightly bent forward while holding the sink with his hands. The sounds he was making, Sander thought he had never heard anything more beautiful, more arousing. They were his favorite thing in the world.

After that, they both got into the tub. Sander was sitting between Robbe's legs. His head resting on his boyfriend's shoulder, eyes closed, while Robbe played with his hair, kissing his face sweetly and delicately, in total contrast to what had happened a few minutes earlier. It was beautiful, comforting, familiar.

"How long it will take for him to start to see me as his parent?"

"I don't think he knows what a parent is."

"But he knows you are his papa."

"Because everyone keeps referring me as “papa” in front of him."

"Hmhm."

Sander knew Robbe would have started asking questions like that eventually, and he felt guilty for denying him his relationship with Hero for so long, but he was also sure that ultimately, those eight months, for Hero, had been meaningless, in the bigger picture.

"Look, I haven't read books about babies, but in my experience, I think he feels safer with me because I'm the one who spends more time with him. But I swear, I’ll do everything I can to make him feel safe with you as well. At that point, he will see you as his dad."

"So you're papa and I'm dad?"

“Yeah, of course. Come here."

He turned his face and pressed his lips to his boyfriend's, slipping a hand through his hair and cupping his head, to make him come closer. They kept going like that, kissing languidly for a while. Neither of them had yet made the slightest attempt to grab soap or shampoo to wash themselves, and the water was now starting to get cold.

"I have to go back to my flatshare tomorrow."

"Why?"

"Because I live there and I can’t go to classes wearing your clothes."

"I thought you wanted to do this parenting thing with me."

"I do."

"So stay. Move in with me here."

There were still so many things to discuss, and they both knew it, but they had made sure to put all the talks aside and take that weekend just to heal their relationship and love each other, without a single worry in their mind.

"And your mom?"

“My mom lives with her boyfriend and comes here when I need some help with Hero. It will be only the two of us and our little one, of course. Please say yes. There’s no rent to pay and my parents take care of the financial stuff since they didn’t want me to leave uni to look after the baby."

Sander knew how to make something sound good, but that proposal would have been tempting even if it was just him and Hero on the plate.

"I want to say yes."

"Look, baby, it won’t be easy as it was before, because dealing with Hero can be stressful, but I promise I will take care of him when you have to study, or you just don’t wanna him around. And there’s a spare room if you need your space. "

“I would never let you take care of him alone. We're in thins together now. Remember? "

“Yeah, I do. So is that a yes? "

"Yes."

Robbe managed to make his way into Hero and Sander's routine. It wasn't always easy, sometimes Hero would cry in the middle of the night when Robbe had to wake up early for a class in the morning. When he had to study for an exam, he felt guilty leaving Sander to take care of the baby alone, but, at the end of the day, the happiness he was feeling, outweighed those moments of despair. He started to think how stupid he had been, for letting all those months pass, before coming back to the love of his life and their son.

For once, Robbe didn't feel guilty about accepting the help of Sander's parents, and whenever he could call a babysitter for Hero, he felt very lucky.

Growing fond of Hero hadn't been difficult. After the first few days together, the joyful, warm, and radiant manners of the baby had managed to break through Robbe’s heart, who often found himself wishing he could be with his baby, when he had to be the whole day at university instead. He couldn't wait to go home and spend time together.

The chemistry with Sander came back automatically. From the first moment, it was like picking up exactly where they left off. Sander knew exactly how to read Robbe and it was mutual. It was like sharing emotions and thoughts. Robbe felt the need to give all of himself for their relationship and promised himself never to take the other for granted. Not after realizing how precious the way Sander loved him was.

It had been over a month since Robbe had moved in with Sander, and they had started their life together again. By now, he knew Hero, and that morning there was something wrong with him. He had lost the happiness that distinguished him, he was nervous and whiny.

"He doesn't want to eat, I even tried to give him a bottle of formula but he pushed that away too."

The two boys looked into each other's eyes, both were very worried. Sander took Hero from Robbe's arms and placed his cheek against his forehead.

“I think he has a fever. Can you take the baby thermometer?"

They took Hero's temperature and when they found out that it was indeed way above the norm, Sander started to panic.

“We should have known sooner. We have to take him to the hospital right away."

“Baby, calm down. I’ll call his doctor while you try to make him drink some water, okay?"

Sander took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to regain some of the rationality he had lost. Robbe knew that at times like that, he had to take the lead and give him a list of tasks to do so that he could focus on the present moment. He went into the kitchen, cuddling the baby, trying to carry out the instructions he had received from his boyfriend.

After a few minutes, Robbe joined them again and gently stroked Hero's back, who was leaning against Sander's chest, pouting with his eyes full of tears.

“The doctor said we should try to take him under the shower with one of us for at least 15 minutes. He said we should use lukewarm water, and added that he will probably cry and scream a lot."

"Shoot. Is that the only option?"

"Not really. We could give him paracetamol, but the doctor said we should try the shower first since he's so little."

Robbe kissed Sander's cheek and rested his forehead on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"It's gonna be fine, Sander."

"I hate this situation. I just want him to feel better."

“I know, baby. I’ll shower with him if it’s too much for you."

"No, I think he’d feel safer with me."

"Yeah, I was thinking the same."

"Okay, let's do it."

As the doctor told them, Hero started to scream as soon as he felt the first drops of water roll down on him. Sander kept his shirt on and Hero had his little romper on as well because Sander feared he would otherwise slip out of his hands. The child was crying, screaming, and struggling, so much more than the two boys had expected. It seemed they were torturing him, but they both knew that the hospital would be even more traumatic. Sander and Hero both looked in pain, and the baby kept trying to reach for Robbe every minute. When his boyfriend bowed his head, Robbe knew he was close to the tears.

"Baby, don't cry, it's for his best."

"I know but seeing him in this way just breaks my heart."

"Two more minutes and it’s over, c’mon."

He wanted to get in the shower and hug them both but they had a plan and according to it, he couldn’t get wet.

When the timer they set up warned them that the time was finally up, Robbe grabbed a big fluffy towel and took Hero from Sander’s arms, trying to comfort him, showering him with all the kisses.

Sander turned off the water and got rid of his soaked clothes, wrapping himself in his bathrobe.

"He's gonna hate me for the rest of his life."

"That’s not true, and you know it. At least now that he wants to stay with me, you can get some rest."

"Yeah, I definitely could use it."

Robbe took Hero into the nursery and kept cuddling him, whispering sweet words to him.

"You're such a brave boy. Let's dry you up and put on some clean pajamas, alright?"

The baby was so exhausted from screaming and crying so much in the shower, that he fell asleep while Robbe was dressing him. He sat down on the rocking chair that was in the nursery and kept holding him against his chest until Hero's breathing became more regular.

He did not know at what point he had fallen asleep, but when he reopened his eyes, the room was dark, and the only light in it, came from the small lightning bolt-shaped lamp that Sander had hung on the wall. He felt a hand caressing his cheek, realizing that his boyfriend was at his side and that he was whispering something.

"What?"

"I said hi, baby."

"Hi."

He smiled, and kissed Sander's lips, feeling so much calmer than before.

"I think he's better."

"Yeah, he woke up a couple of times, he took some milk with crumbled biscuits in it, and then fell asleep again."

"And his temperature?"

"It was back to normal so the shower worked."

"I'm so happy to hear it. Wanna switch?"

"No, that's okay. I love feeling him sleeping so peacefully on my chest."

"At least come to our bed, or you won't be able to stand up tomorrow."

Sander helped him to his feet and guided him to their room. Robbe felt so tired he barely understood what he was doing, so he was happy to be able to count on his boyfriend. Sander arranged some pillows so that Robbe could stay seated to keep Hero on his chest. Shortly after getting into the right position, he closed his eyes again and went back into a deep sleep.

When he regained consciousness, it was late morning, and the room was bathed in daylight again. He turned his face and saw his boyfriend's eyes staring at him, a stupid smile on his lips that didn't quite match the way he was feeling at that moment. Every inch of his skin hurt and his head was about to explode. He wondered if Hero had felt the same way.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Hmm, I feel like shit."

"Ow. Let me just..."

Sander pressed his lips to his forehead, and Robbe fought the urge to push him away. When he was sick he just wanted to be left alone.

“Yeah. You're burning."

"Fuck. Everything hurts. Where's Hero? "

"He's in the other room with my mom, and he's great!"

"I'm happy to hear it. Now go away."

"Why? You're the worst patient."

"Shut up, you took a cold shower and I get a fever? I hate you."

He pulled the blanket over his head to hide and slid onto the mattress, curling up. Obviously, Sander didn’t let him go, in fact, he felt his boyfriend come closer and try to hug him as he could, leaving little kisses on the blanket.

"You're kissing my butt."

“You know I love it. And so do you!"

Robbe uncovered himself again, coming face to face with his boyfriend, giving him a death glare.

"I want to punch that stupid expression out off your face."

Sander laughed out loud and Robbe's head began to throb even more. He closed his eyes and remained silent, trying to calm down, when someone knocked on the door.

"Yes, come on in, mom."

Sander's mom walked into their room, holding Hero in her arms. He looked better, and Robbe was a little relieved. He had gotten sick, but at least it was worth it, and he would have done it again thousands of times, just to get the same outcome.

"Guys, guess who ate all his food?"

"Hi, Alice!"

"Hi, sweetheart!"

"Robbe’s a fever."

“Ow, no! Poor thing!"

Hero saw his dads and stretched out his little hands to reach them, but Alice kissed his cheek and smiled quietly.

"No, baby Hero, you can't go with them. Your daddy is sick."

"But I wanna hold him."

"You need some more rest, baby. Mom, can you help me make some soup for Robbe."

“Sure! Say nighty night to your daddy, Hero! "

Alice waved her hand to Robbe and Hero did the same. Sander gave his boyfriend a kiss on his forehead and the three of them left, so the boy was finally able to rest. Robbe closed his eyes, turning on his side. It was the first time that Hero got sick and there would be many more. When he saw the baby cry and suffer so much, he just wanted with all his heart to take his pain away and make him feel better. For the first time, perhaps, he understood what being a parent meant.

[previous] / [next]

Power Over Me - Part Two

Thanks to @heart-attack-harry and @lizziespidiepridie for your help.

Catch up on part one below

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/188083232033/power-over-me

"I wanna be king in your story I wanna know who you are I want your heart to beat for me Oh I"

3k words

Your eyes were struggling to open up this morning. Puffy from crying like a loser last night over a guy who is clearly an arsehole. Reliving the whole thing in your head had you pulling the covers up and hiding beneath them, wanting to hide away for the rest of your Sunday. 

But you knew you shouldn't.

Dragging yourself from your bed you managed to navigate your way to the bathroom, running the tap and splashing your face with warm water. Patting your face dry, you looked in the mirror above the sink and saw your face. 

You looked a right state. 

You needed paracetamol, a coffee and a two week vacation somewhere hot.

Preferably by yourself where you could wallow in your own self pity.

Sadly you'd have to make do with your sofa.

After making yourself a coffee and some toast you sat your bum on the sofa, turning on the tv and browsing the channels, you found some housey type programme. You know the ones where they want the cafe culture life in London but on a shoestring budget, then complain it's a two bed flat rather than a 3 bed house they'd dreamed off.

Well those twats can fuck off you thought as you switched the channels to an old episode of Friends. The One With The Prom Video, great. Basically the one where after years of lusting over Rachel, Ross finally wins her over by his sweet antics from when they were teenagers. 

A nice happy ending.

Well that can fuck off to.

You turned it off in the end, choosing to sit in silence and eat.

Your phone was on the coffee table with your bag and keys, exactly where you had left it last night when you'd got in. It had been ringing constantly on your journey home and the taxi driver had even commented about you not answering it.

After a quick text to Deo as promised to tell him you were home safe, you'd turned it off and left it. 

Now it was slowly torturing you.

A sucker for punishment, you moved to turn it on. The screen lit up and showed you how many missed calls, texts and voice messages you had.

A reply from Deo telling you to sleep well and to text him if you wanted to talk.

You didn't.

A couple from your friends who you'd been out with, asking you what was going on and that they hoped you were safely home.

And 23 messages from Niall.

13 missed calls. 

And 5 voice messages.

You didn't bother to read them and you hastily deleted them all without reading them. Same with the voice messages. Delete.

You didn't feel any better after doing it, the coffee and toast slathered in butter hadn't even helped how you were feeling. It wasn't a hangover or troubled night sleep that was causing you pain. 

It was your heart.

You were shamefully heartbroken at what had happened. Shameful because you had vowed since Lewis Burns broke up with you in Year Ten that you would never ever let a guy hurt you like that again. Granted you had been 15 at the time but it was a value that ten years later you still tried to follow.

Your heart felt heavy and it both scared you and annoyed you.

You just need some time to cool off and get over him.

Letting out a huge sigh you gathered up your plate and mug and took them to the kitchen. Opening up Spotify, you put some tunes on and started tidying up your flat. Washing up, making your bed, putting a load of washing in, it was all a distraction. A much needed one and it was working. When it was all done you grabbed your book and headed for a bath.

Throughout your day your phone beeped with messages, when you saw Niall's name you just deleted them. But as the afternoon went on, you opened up his contact and blocked him. Tears had followed and you ended up going to bed at 9pm. Your Sunday had turned out to be a quiet and lonely one, but something that was very much needed. 

Turning off your alarm the next day, you couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. But you had a meeting at 9am and another at 11am, and you had some prep to do.

The mornings routine was basically just going through the motions. You still felt like absolute shite, the heavy feeling in your heart hadn't even remotely subsided. After taking a hot shower you dressed and ate a quick breakfast, not even bothering to put the radio on like you normally did. Good luck to anyone who came in contact with you today.

The tube as usual was busy and you were squashed in amongst all the other commuters. By the time you'd arrived at your station your mood was getting worse. It hit its peak when you walked into your building and saw bimbo bambi on the front desk. She had a stupid smirk on her face that was definitely aimed at you as you walked past her. 

Luckily she had been on the phone and hadn't been able to speak to you. You were in no mood to be dealing with her high pitched squeaky voice this morning. How in the hell she had got the job as receptionist at the Recruitment Agency you worked at you will never know. You got the impression she couldn't even spell her own name. Which was Nina by the way. Bimbo bambi was just a nasty, horrible nickname that you and Annie from the second floor had come up with. Bullying wasn't something you condoned, but she didn't know that was her nickname and so she couldn't be offended if she didn't even know it. You were always polite to her and smiled nicely whenever she interacted with you. But she was definitely not a friend of yours and would never be one.

The reason behind her smirk became apparent when you saw the huge bouquet of flowers on your desk when you walked into your office.

Pausing in the doorway, you didn't want to go over to them. A few faces of your colleagues were smiling at you. Jack the office playboy was the first to speak, asking you who your new fella was. Choosing to ignore him, you walked to your desk dumping down your bag and looking at the arrangement.

The bouquet was beautiful, a mixture of light pink and cream flowers. A sealed note was attached to the cellophane wrap. Looking around as you opened it, a simple message was written.

Please can we talk x

Shoving the card in your bag, you didn't have time to even think about it now. You had a meeting with a company about helping them with recruitment in exactly 28 minutes. A large coffee was needed and you needed to gather all your prep together.

Dwelling on the card and over thinking about it would have to wait.

********

Your 9am meeting went well and you were back at your desk finishing the prep for the next one when your work phone rang. Seeing it was the reception office you let out a frustrated sigh before putting on your most polite voice.

"Hello?"

"Elizabeth, You have a visitor?" Nina said.

"Oh they're early." You replied looking at your watch and seeing 10:35am.

"No, it's not your next appointment."

Your heart sank.

Please no.

"You didn't tell me you were friends with Niall Horan?!" She whispered excitedly down the phone.

"Well it never came up in conversation." You replied quickly. "Please tell him I'm super busy and that I have a meeting at 11."

"Oh ok, will do." She replied, and you hung up before she could answer any further.

You were fuming, first the flowers then turning up at your work. Did he think that was the way to get you to listen? Well he was sadly mistaken.

Running your fingers across your temples you willed the anger to go away. You still had work to do. You'd managed to distract yourself this morning with the potential business that your meetings could secure. Letting him get into your head was not needed right now.

Breathing out a massive sigh, you looked up at your computer to continue answering some emails. That's when you saw him. 

Strolling through your floor coming for your office, attracting the attention of every single person. His casual attire of dark jeans and blue t-shirt being the biggest factor.

Fuck he looked so good.

His face was unreadable, something that was strange to you considering you'd known him 6 years. You had always been able to read him. 

But not today.

You stood up from your desk as he strolled into your office, closing the door firmly behind him.

"Niall...."

"Why haven't you answered my messages?" He asked you bluntly.

"Because I didn't want to." You replied in the same manner.

"You've not even read them, and the last ones I've tried to send you bounced back. Have you blocked me?!"

"Yes, and yet you still didn't get the hint." You said as you gestured towards the flowers.

"I just...... " He began but you cut him off.

"Look Niall, I can't do this right now. I have a meeting in 15 minutes to get ready for. To be honest I don't even want to have this conversation with you at all."

You were being rude now, desperate to save face. Your heart was pounding in your chest, it ached to reach over and touch him, but you held back when you remembered Saturday night. His cocky behaviour had infuriated you, but his lost looking face right now was making you feel guilty. But only for a split second before you remembered how hurt you were, how embarrassed and ashamed you'd felt.

Holding back the tears was becoming harder and you really needed him to leave before he saw how broken you were. The tough exterior you were trying to show him was crumbling.

"So, you don't even want to talk to me about what happened?" He asked you his voice calm.

"No."

This was a lie, well sort of. You did want answers from him but not now. You weren't ready.

He shook his head and started to look annoyed which infuriated you even more. He had no right coming into your office, surely the ignoring his calls and messages was enough of a hint for him, but apparently not.

You'd have to have a word with Nina in a subtle way to get her to actually listen to you when you need someone to go away.

"This isn't over." He said as he left.

"It never started." You replied.

**********

The second meeting had been ok, luckily it was a meeting with a client already on your books, because your mind had been elsewhere. 

Niall strolling into your office was not something that you had even been remotely prepared for. Seeing him had effecting you far more than you had thought. It was a silly crush and you needed to get over it.

It would be easy, he travelled a lot and he had a lot of friends. You were sure you could dodge seeing him, you'd probably lay low for a few weeks and avoid the dreaded conversation with your mutual friends.

Willie's voice asking Niall what the hell he had done to you, was still stuck in your head, he had messaged you today asking if you were ok. Willie had taken on the big brother role in the group and as one of the youngest you had been happy to have him care and support you. Deo had sort of become the annoying brother, but he had shown his caring side to when he helped you in a taxi on Saturday night. Neither had pushed you to talk and you appreciated it.

As you had got into the office early that morning you decided to head off at 5. Your head was still pounding and after taking some painkillers you tidied away your desk and grabbed your bag.

Nina was sitting at her desk on reception when you went past.

"I'm heading off now Nina so if anyone calls they will need to leave a message." You informed her.

"Got dinner with a certain someone?!" She replied with a wink.

God she was annoying.

"Not that it's any of your business but no."

"Oh it's just he's been outside in his car for the last half an hour."

"What?"

"Niall Horan." She said continuing to smirk.

"Spreading gossip isn't tolerated here. And not following orders from me when I ask not to be disturbed while I'm prepping for an important meeting is also a problem."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know, but Niall is my friend and he's incredibly private. Please don't start making something out of nothing." You replied, defending him. He might have pissed you off, but you couldn't help but be protective.

"I am really sorry, I wouldn't spread gossip I promise. And I'll follow your orders about visitors from now on." She replied looking absolutely petrified of you.

"Thankyou, I'll see you in the morning." You said.

She mumbled a nervous goodbye as you left the building. You spied his car out the corner of your eye, what was he thinking hanging around waiting for you?

Walking quickly in the opposite direction towards the tube station, you hoped he hadn't spotted you.  

But of course he fucking had.

He called out your name, but you headed down the street winding in between the crowds. You knew he wouldn't follow you, wouldn't risk being seen chasing a woman down the street. In today's world, cameras were in your pockets and footage could be uploaded online for everyone to see in seconds.

He definitely wouldn't do that.

You reached the tube station, swiping your oyster card you made your way through the station to your platform, breathing a sigh of relief at having avoided him again.

The walk back from the station wasn't long and you called into little Tesco Express to get a microwave meal and a bottle of wine. You definitely couldn't be bothered to cook tonight. It when you were approaching your building that you saw his car in the car park.

Fuck.

You managed to avoid him and sneak around the back. There were two entrances to your block, accessing the way through the gate and the shared garden, you let yourself in hopeful that he hadn't seen you.

But it didn't matter, he hadn't been waiting in his car. He was waiting at your door.

Your heart sank.

After a rollercoaster day of emotions and a heavy workload you could cry just at the sight of him. You didn't have anymore fight in you to argue and you knew you'd crumble. 

The sight of him leaning against your door, knocked the breath out of you. His face looking straight ahead, the sound of you walking up the steps caused him to turn.

His face once again had that annoyed look, and you couldn't believe the cheek of it. How dare he look annoyed after how he had behaved.

Walking up to your door, he didn't move. Your eyes met his and the annoyed look was gone, replaced by one that was pleading with you. He knew you'd ask him to leave and he would fight you until you agreed to hear him out.

Moving closer to him, you were just inches away as you raised your right hand above his shoulder and put your key in the lock.

"Please talk to me. Let me explain." He whispered.

Your body betrayed you as your eyes filled with tears.

Turning the key, you unlocked the door and moved sideways to get around him. He was right behind you, walking into your flat as you were taking the key out the lock. Strolling in like it was perfectly ok to do after everything that had happened.

Shutting the door, not acknowledging him you put your shopping bag on the side. Carefully taking out your meal and your wine. You could sense him at the doorway as you took off your coat and sorted out your bag.

"Are you going to let me explain?" He asked his voice calm and low.

"Doesn't look like I have any choice does it?!" You scoffed aware that he could probably hear the way you were choked up.

"Why are you being like this?" He asked you.

"Like what Niall? An arsehole? Not nice is it?" You replied allowing your face to be seen, no longer hiding behind your long hair.

His eyes widened when he saw your face and upon hearing your words.

"I'm sorry."

"Doesn't matter."

"It does matter. I'm not good at this."

"Good at what exactly?"

"Talking about this sort of stuff."

"Then why are you here, why have you been messaging me, coming to my office and waiting outside my work? I specifically told you I didn't want to talk to you. Did you not listen or are you just trying to humiliate me even more?"

Silence.

You couldn't even look at him, choosing to walk past him and out to the hall, hanging your coat up on the hook on the wall.

"I think you should go." You said, eyes brimming with tears. You knew he was right behind you and you couldn't bare to turn around and face him.

"Not until you've let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain, it was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened. Done. Now you can go."

"Elizabeth."

"No, I can't deal with you right now. Please just go." You begged.

"I didn't mean to leave that night, I don't know why I left you to wake up alone."

You moved towards the door, opening it, unable to bare being near him. His scent was invading your senses and you couldn't take it anymore.

"Let me know when you figure out why you did." You said and he moved towards you.

Your eyes couldn't meet his as he looked at you before walking out the door.

Part Three

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/188384634468/power-over-me-part-three

Back home now and doing okay.  Surprisingly okay actually (look, I’m typing, couldn’t even face picking up a laptop for days after stage 1!)  I’ll try and go through it all in a fairly logical manner.

Day of surgery

Had to be at Highgate at 7am for admission, which was a pain, but was actually quite a nice walk from my friend’s to the station and then up to the hospital.  I felt immediately more at ease there than I did at Highgate, although I did have a bit of a panic when I gave my mother’s details as the nominated contact and then read the blurb on the back about them updating your contact and had to hurriedly explain that I want her contacted in emergency situations only seeing as I’ve not told any family I’m having surgery.  Also a little disconcerting that they didn’t seem to know of metoidioplasty, but I know it’s a relatively unusual surgery and a new-ish hospital for St Peter’s Andrology to use.  They were knowledgable enough to know that I must have had either thigh or pubic as I didn’t have an arm scar.

Various people came round as usual, HCAs, nurses, Mr Christopher, and the anaesthetist, and all were really friendly and helpful.  I was kept updated about what was going on and happening, so much more so than ever before.  The only “issue” was that they lost my urine sample, but that meant I got to carry on drinking until as late as possible as they were desperate to get another one out of me.  I was second on the list and went down about 1pm, as they’d predicted.

The nurse and anaesthetists prepping me for surgery were absolutely fantastic, and I think I might have went off on one expressing my gratitude at how relaxed and chilled out it all was compared to previous experiences once they started drugging me up.  They also happily let me chat rubbish about work, which is apparently what I do when I’m stressed.

Came round about 6pm, which was as expected.  My only complaint is that no one was willing to tell me that it had gone okay when I came round, which is always my first question.  I can understand why they’re hesitant in case they get it wrong, but it would still be reassuring to know that it had been done and gone at least relatively okay (turns out it had!).  A tiny bit of nausea when I came round, but nothing like before, and was pretty much gone by the time they gave me an antiemetic.

They passed me my phone when I got back to my room, and I stayed awake long enough to update people, and then dozed on and off until the next morning, in between the regular obs and various beepings.  I’m really grateful about how tolerant they were with my phone and chargers as I was a bit worried about not being able to update people seeing as I was in on my own and the last thing I wanted was for them all to worry.

Couldn’t really face food, I’d been allowed to order from the main menu, then changed my mind and asked for a sandwich, and only ended up eating a tiny tub of icecream in the end.  Pain was easily tolerable once I’d learned to stop tensing my abdominal muscles instinctively, and didn’t use the on-demand morphine at all (although I was tempted just to see what it’s like).  The worst pain was from my back protesting about being laid still.

One day post op

They got me out of bed and “showered”, essentially a completely pointless strip wash, and then in the chair for a bit, until I got tired and wanted to be laid back down in case I dozed off again.

A surgeon that works with Mr Christopher came around, I assume he was the hysto guy but didn’t catch his name, and he said they’ve had quite a nice result, so it was really good to finally hear that it had gone well.

Had a bit of a panic about whether I was going to manage at home on my own, and they had a chat between each other, then with me, and came up with a plan to get me up and walking about to show that I would be able to manage.  That helped a lot, just strolling up and down the corridor four or five times, and knowing that I could do it, even if I’d needed a bit of help manoeuvring the drains and catheter to be able to get up.

I was then told I had to eat off the light diet menu, which was all plain chicken, plain salmon, plain carrots, plain rice etc.  It was nice, in as much as very dull food can be.  Not sure if I was supposed to be on that from the start or not, but suited me alright really considering I work myself up when I’m faced with a load of posh food I don’t recognise.

I think it was at some point during that night that they finally realised that I wasn’t going to be using the morphine at all, and took it off me.  As far as I know they were just giving paracetamol and ibruprofen, although I suppose there might have been something a bit stronger in there as well.  Certainly wasn’t in enough pain to risk nausea and constipation with morphine, although they seemed shocked by it.

Had a rough night as the catheter started playing silly buggers and not draining properly.  At one point they got 300ml out of me in the space of 2 minutes, so it wasn’t really surprising I was writhing around in discomfort.  It didn’t ever really start up properly again until they put me on the leg bag, but I could wiggle it enough myself to manage from then on.

Two days post op (discharge)

Still in discomfort from the catheter by the time they did the morning rounds.  Saw Mr Christopher briefly, he was surprised that I was having issues with the catheter but seemed to think it was spasms rather than a lack of drainage (I know it wasn’t draining properly as I’d been keeping tabs on it).  He got me prescribed some antispasmodics as a precaution on the assumption that they were spasms.

Had the drains taken out, and that was fucking awful.  Don’t want to scare people, but to be completely truthful that was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had, and all the worse for knowing what to expect for the second.  I feel terrible for making the nurse feel guilty when she’s just doing her job.  Once I’d remembered how to breathe again I was glad to be rid of them though, as it makes so much difference knowing that you’re not effectively pinned down by drains either side of the bed.

Got put on a leg bag as well, and got myself up, had a bit of a wash (I was stinking) and got myself dressed.  Felt loads better knowing that I could do all that unassisted, and didn’t really get back into bed after that.

Spent the rest of the time in hospital chasing all the various bits I needed to go home (leg bags, night bags, dressings etc) and getting myself packed up.  A porter took my bag down for me, and my friend met me outside the door.  The drive back wasn’t too bad, bit uncomfortable on the bumps but nothing major, and had to stop at the services to empty the leg bag.

Really, really surprised at how well I’m doing now I’m home, been up and down stairs a few times, sat and stood in various positions just to try and stop my back giving up.  Had the famous post-op poo, which wasn’t as bad as I had feared, and then got emotional at being able to lay with my lower half uncovered and not be dysphoric for the first time in my life.  From the moment I saw that I absolutely have a scrotum it all felt worth it. 

So...let’s talk about being induced!

I was told not to but I was also told my baby was a BIG now and the fear of being over due with a baby that was only going to get bigger ment I said yes strait away to being induced. That and the uncomfortable time I had during the pregnancy as we know I didn’t not enjoy it.

11:30am on the 8/02/20 I go in to hospital

4:30pm they have check cervix and are unable to brake my waters (gutted) it was not open nor low for them to do it.....I should have left at this point.

They put a hormone (pessary) that’s like a little pill attached to a big long scratchy sting...my midwife went digging for gold while inserting this and later made me fear anyone going back in. I had two other ladies have this done on the ward and they seemed fine, my contractions started right away but theirs took many hours.

I do find that my body reacts to Hormones in a big way and that’s why I hate the contraception pill...hence getting pregnant! 😂

contractions got strong fast and they were close for a long time, they pumped me full of codine, paracetamol and then Oramorph !!! all of which didn’t take away all the pain but made me tired and physically sick. They came to examine me again due to everything be so close so fo so long, no progress and I was so nervous to let them stick the same hormone back up they gave me gas an air! Yay! Then took it away from me and pumped me with more drugs! I asked for the gas and air to stay but as I was not on the actual labour ward they said no, thanks guys cos that makes sense I want something less harmful and you won’t give it to me help!

So...20hours pass and this point I’m crying with all the pain in my back that’s two minutes apart, vomiting cos of the drugs and iv got some woman complaining about me keeping her awake! 😂 I’m mean Jesus people. Guess what 20 hours of these stupid contractions, no hot water bottles about and to many crappy drugs and I’m told that I’m 3cm! 3!!!! What the bloody hell is my crap body doing!

Epidural time! I had to even tho I wanted so bad to avoid it I couldn’t imagine the pain of actually pushing the baby out after god knows how many more hours to go of these silly contractions.

So I’m sobbing my way down to labour ward, some woman’s behind me on her way screaming he heart out 🥴 and a lovely man with beautiful pain relief comes in, takes a while to get the GIANT needle in the place he wants it, iv been and done this with my first and this guy did a butter job the the previous person.

I went numb and it was blissful, I remembered I was thier to have a baby’s which no joke had slipped my mind in all that pain! I could still move my legs and take my weight in the bed but I couldn’t feel those contractions anymore.

Cannula went in the hand to try and regulate the contractions, I got catheterised every four hours and checked my cervix by which point I was falling alsleep anyway. Seven hours later and after the midwife pushed my cervix back I was aloud to be told when to push! Three pushes and he was out, just on staff change over! The new and amazing midwife came in on the last push and help me get him out..

A 8.4 baby boy was born perfectly healthy and not a massive. My vagina on the other hand....well my legs went up in the air and the midwife went to town with a needle and got busy stitching, she said it’s a one stitch long from the inside down to my bottom and back up, I didn’t tear all the way down thank god.

Stitches for me were no bother after, I was swollen for a bit of course but I couldn’t feel them, they didn’t sting when I went to the loo or tug or anything so I was very please. And that first poo which you dread was also no bother although I still took a still softener.

My biggest issue after was having had a epidural ment I wasn’t concentrating on my pelvis and the SPD problems I had....so when my legs got stretched out and the feeling in my body came back I couldn’t walk, get out of bed alone or put my undies on ect for a few days after. I’m over two weeks postpartum and I’m just managing to turn over in bed but my pelvis still crunches.

Induction was not ideal and so many people said don’t do it! The midwife was so calm about it telling me it’s not different to going into labour normally....don’t listen to them! But the end of the day it’s everyone’s choice and sometimes is medically needed.

I do believe that the contractions would have even more bearable if I had let everything come naturally and I wouldn’t have had this little bit of guilt over me for forcing him out!

16th August 2017

So, it also appears that going to bed at 2000 doesn't help with the feeling of exhaustion... I cannot wait for the first two weeks to be over so we don't ache or feel tired anymore. I heard the group come back from their night out and Katie was screaming for a good 10 minutes. I tried to force myself back to sleep, which I must've managed after about a good 15 minutes of wanting to scream myself. I woke up in the night with a headache and hoped that it would go but I woke up at 0530 with it. I took paracetamol and panadol straight away so hopefully it won't come back. It was the type of headache that turns into a migraine. It always feels like my brain is being squeezed, hard. Weird description for you. Steve didn't sleep properly either (I just asked him). Never mind, he just said he did sleep well... He woke up at the same time as the alarm apparently (he took like 3 rings before getting up and turning it off though). I hate nothing more than having to get out of bed to turn the alarm off. It puts me in a bad mood for the day so Steve has to do it if it's not under my pillow. It's stupid really, when it's under my pillow I just turn it off. Which is why he puts it across the room... What a circle.  We laid in bed for 5 minutes after the alarm which is something Steve does not do, but I asked as my head was hurting. We had our weetabix, got ready and made lunch. We were ready for 0635. 5 minutes I could've had laying in bed but I'll let him off. We stood out by the van waiting for Mitch. Some of the other guys that jump into B2 started coming out waiting. Mitch is normally first out... After about 2 minutes of waiting, we saw him run towards the bus in his boxers. He asked if Cait had left and didn't see the car she usually drove so presumed she had left. Cait and Mitch share a room but he stayed with Katie last night. The room door was locked so he couldn't get in to get changed. Eventually, Mitch came running out in Katie's clothes to go to work in. He then realised that Cait had overslept too when he saw he running to the car, half dressed, no shoes or socks on with messy hair. We were all running late. Mitch met Cait (pronouced Kate, to make things confusing for you) in Malaysia last year. He has been 'best friends' with her since. He went home with her and met the family etc. They had a little romance and what not. They came to Australia together and to the farm which is why they share a room. Mitch then got with Katie and left Cait out, I'm guessing. I hope he gets with Cait, she's so much better. What a love triangle. Cait and Katie are also like best mates too which is really weird. We got to work a minute before the bell went so just in time. Cait is the driver that has to go and pick the other girls up from the other hostel and she pulled up just as the bell was ringing. She got in trouble still, for reckless driving. Someone in the car complained about it. Today I was packing. How exciting. I needed to be doing something other than sorting because my hands were bruised and my back was in agony. I felt like 80 years old. I got showed how to pack by Vicki and left to get on with it. You stand at the end of the conveyor belt in a row of 4. I was at the front. The bananas come along and you get your box ready. The box is on another conveyor belt above your head. You grab it, put a plastic bag over it and line the bottom with paper. The paper is the same as the fish and chip shop paper. Then you put the smaller sized bananas laying down flat, first. After that, a sheet of plastic goes on top with two bits of paper either side of the line. The first line must make 5.5kg. Then you get the bigger bananas and fill two more lines inside the box. The first must make 11.5kg and the second makes the box to be 16.5kg. You cover the top with the bag you put it in and then off it goes. You have to also put a little piece of paper inside with a product number and letter. The letter represents you and the number is the batch but also shows the boss' how many boxes you make in a session. Before and after every break you must write down what number you are on. I was doing really well, I thought. I had a few blips where I would miss a plastic or paper but I corrected myself before it was too late. The girls here go at such speed its unreal. There's 3 conveyor belts so roughly 24 girls at the end packing. Vicki said 30 boxes is great but I can't remember if she said per hour or session. I'm hoping session. Working first thing is horrible because that's when you'll find all the animals that have found their resting place for the night! On the bananas! I almost packed a lizard and frog. I let them both carry on past me on the conveyor belt to the girl behind me. I wasn't mean enough not to tell her. She's brave as anything and picks them up. We have a box on the floor that we put animals into so they don't get killed. I say we like I'm going to pick something up, I won't. After the first break, the second half went really quickly. It was great. I ended up picking up speed as well as presentation. I was doing two boxes at a time. My back was starting to ache but that's because my boxes kept getting stuck on the conveyor belt below that takes it to the part where they get their lids and into stacks for the train. There's a metal pole that pokes out too far which jams the whole system up when my box stops. What a pain. At lunch time, Cait said that my packing was absolutely brilliant. Her job is to put the lid's onto the boxes, cellotape them up and move them down the conveyor belt to be taken away. Vicki must've told her my letter to look out for as I was first day packing. I asked if Cait was joking but she was being deadly serious, she said every box looked unreal. What a great compliment. I was feeling good about the last session so I went fast, hoping the time would do the same... It did not. I looked over at Steve who is at the front of the conveyor belt chopping the bananas off the branch. He had been moved to top which is called 'top hand'. This is the hardest place to stand and most don't get there until they've been working for ages. I was really proud of him. He has to work the quickest and hardest. Go Steve! He said that in one bunch, he found 2 fruit bats. He didn't know what to do so he had to ask Matt, who he works with. Steve thought that because of his strong gloves, he might've been able to pick them up and let them go but Matt said no because of the rabies they carry. Steve went to poke them both and they flew away straight away. He see a snake climb up the hanging chain once and rescued about 5 frogs. I can't do frogs! They hop and jump everywhere. I never used to be scared of them but now I am, who knows why! The last hour went ridiculously slow, I couldn't even describe to you how slow. My back was in absolute agony and I needed to get off my feet so badly. I could tell Steve was feeling the same. He is constantly on the move cutting bananas off the chains that move so he's sweating all day long. He's hair is soaked by the time he finishes. I started to get my headache back and I felt sick too. I drank all my water today as I hadn't been the last 2 days work. I felt like it was much hotter today but that might've been because I was moving a lot more. Even I was sweating! When that bell went, I was so excited. The best part of the day by far. I asked the girl behind me 'when does my back stop hurting so much?'. She said after about two weeks but she still goes home at the end of every week with a sore back. We got in the van and asked Mitch to drop us at the IGA so we could get milk and bread. We're going through it like I don't like what! Steve got some chips and gravy for dinner and I picked up a can of cheap beans for 79c to have beans on toast. We got in and collapsed on the bed. Well, Steve tried too but I made him put his pyjamas on first because his clothes were absolutely drenched and muddy. We chilled for a bit before going in the shower. I couldn't be bothered to make dinner tonight so I'm going without. It's almost 2000 and we're ready for bed, again. Last full day tomorrow. Luckily, on Friday we finished at 1040. Sounds weird, but we have to finish off the last of the bananas that have been put through and then do the clean up which takes about 2 hours apparently. 

I’m not sure how exciting our blogs will be for the next couple of months considering our job takes up most of the day and we’re doing the same thing over and over again... I apologise in advance!

Roll on FRIDAY!

Levi x M.reader

I knew it was coming as soon as I sat next to that guy on the train. I hadn’t thought why there were seats left around him when the carriage was so full. It didn’t look like he was a serial killer or a drunk. He was dressed in a sharp business suit and had a brown briefcase down by his feet; all I could think about was getting to rest my feet.

I had been out all day in london visiting a friend, walking to so many different places that I lost count of them all and in that moment the only thing I could think about was how I didn’t want to have to spend the long train journey home standing up.

I had only been sitting next to him for a few seconds when he pulled a hanky out of his pocket and brought it up to his face. His sneeze was loud, so loud that even in the bustling train carriage everyone heard.

There were a few muttered ‘bless you’s and the man thanked them before he turned his hanky over and blew into it to clear his nose. The sound was close to that of an elephant and I found myself wanting to get up and go back to standing, but I knew that I couldn’t be that rude to the man.

So, for the rest of the journey, I was stuck sitting next to a man with a terrible cold. I could picture the germs floating in the air around him and choosing me as their next target. I silently wished that I had been one of those people who always had hand sanitizer on them, but it seemed that I had not been that conscious about keeping clean when I rammed things into my pocket that morning.

I stood up well before I normally would have done for my stop and shuffled past the people who were tightly packed together to stay away from the man. As soon as I got through them I felt safer, but a part of me already knew that I was too late.

The next day seemed to pass as usual. I told Levi about the man on the tube and he 'jokingly' said that he would have to stay away from me. I let out a laugh and then coughed slightly. To that Levi did actually jump back slightly, but I only rolled my eyes at him.

Then, that night, I woke up at around 4am as I felt a sneeze building up. I sat up quickly and sneezed into my cupped hands. I breathed in deeply, but felt as if there was a slight something blocking up my nose.

I sighed at how stupid I had been to sit next to the man and rolled out of bed to make myself a lemsip. I hated the taste of the warm drink, but I would use almost any excuse to have one.

Not wanting to go back into the living room at such a time, once I had my drink, I sat down on the kitchen tiles with my back against one of the cupboards. As it had been getting colder over the previous weeks, I had worn some pyjama bottoms to bed with one of my old tops.

I was about half way through my cup when I heard Levi get up. I knew that there was no stopping him coming in, so I stayed sat where I was.

He walked in just as I brought the cup up to my mouth. He was wearing similar attire to me, although I always thought he looked better in it that I did.

When I had finished taking a sip, he asked, “You alright brat?” He sat down next to me and leaned into me so that his head was resting on my shoulder. I welcomed his touch.

“I am now, but I think it’s the beginning of the end.”

“Always so melodramatic,” he whispered back. Then he sat up straighter, reached around me and took my cup out of my hands.

“Hey!” I protested, but he had already brought the cup up to his lips and was taking a giant sip from it. He swallowed the drink with a small smile and then handed the, mainly empty, cup back to me. I took it  and put it down on the floor next to my feet. “That’s it,” I said as I stood up. “No more cuddles for you if you do that.”

I started to walk back to our bedroom, but Levi soon caught up to me. He caught my hand and I let him hold it, but didn’t return the gentle squeeze. “Please.” He sounded almost like a whining child, but in a slightly endearing way. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again!”

“You better not,” I told him with a small smile; he always was fun to tease. He let go of my hand as we walked through the door to our bedroom and we both got onto our sides of the bed. I made no move to get closer to him, but when he snuggled up into my side, I couldn’t help putting my arm around him. I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around him.

I woke to a smash. I immediately sat up and looked around me for the source of the noise. I noticed that Levi was gone from next to me and that sunlight was streaming in through the open window, but I couldn’t see anything that would have made that noise.

Firstly, I went to go and close the window as the chill was something that I didn’t want. Just as I left the room to find what had made the crash, I sneezed again, only just bringing my hand up in time so it could cover my nose.

I shook my head a little and continued on. I looked into the kitchen to find Levi on his knees sweeping up the remains of the mug that I had used the night before. He must have forgotten it was there, just as I had.

“Morning,” I said, whilst bringing one hand up to cover my mouth as I yawned.

Levi stood up to put the last pieces of my mug in the bin. “Sorry,” he said. “I was just walking and not thinking.”

“It’s alright,” I told him. “It’s only a mug, we have others.”

He nodded and then asked me if I would like breakfast. Before I could answer him I sneezed again. I saw him cringe away a little, but before he could say anything I accepted his offer of breakfast and slumped off to the living room.

He took a while to make breakfast and I was about to move off the sofa and see if anything was the matter, when he brought in what was almost a full English breakfast. “What’s all this for?” I asked as he placed it on the table.

“Well, you’re obviously coming down with something and there’s nothing better than good hot food when you’re ill.” Levi nodded and then left to go and fetch the other plate.

I pushed myself up off the sofa so that I could go and sit at the table to eat. Even though I was sometimes quite lazy, I always preferred to eat proper meals at the table. Otherwise I knew that I  would spill something on the material or forget that any dirty plates were there.

I picked up my knife and fork, ready to start before Levi even got back, and breathed in deeply, trying to smell the food in front of me. I could get hints of what it was, by I felt as if someone had stuffed corks up my nostrils. It was becoming increasingly hard to smell and breathe in though my nose.

After breakfast and spending far too long watching crappy TV shows, I got up and went to go grab my laptop. Just as I was leaving my room a wave of dizziness and nausea hit me.

 Levi came to ask what was wrong, I dismissed him, saying that I was fine, just a little tired. I managed to find one of my old hoodies and put it on. Then, I went to lie down underneath the covers. I curled into a little ball and closed my eyes.

The next time I opened them it was dark and the pain in my temples was sharper. I felt like a chain had been wrapped around my head with a brick attached to the end of it. I sighed and tried to breathe in through my nose, only to find that I couldn’t.

I rolled onto my back and found that that eased the pain a little. Suddenly the light came on and I had to squint because of how bright it was.

“I was just about to go to sleep, sorry brat.” Levi muttered as he moved to his side of the bed, where he put down a mug that was probably filled with tea.

I threw one of my arms over my eyes as a shield and muttered, “No, no. What time is it?”

“Just past one. You’ve been out for a while, like, seven hours? Maybe even eight?”

“And you didn’t think to wake me up?” I asked him. With sleeping patterns like that, I was even more off normal human schedule than usual. I moved my arm away from across my eyes.

“Nope,” Levi said with a small smile as he got under the covers next to me. “You look far too cute when you’re sleeping brat.”

I rolled my eyes at him as I sat up. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do then. Even after my long sleep, I still felt a little tired. Levi was ready to go to sleep as well, but I also felt too energised to go to sleep again.

“I might go and watch Netflix for a while,” I told him.

“Okay, but don’t stay up too late brat,” he replied as he started scrolling through something on his phone.

I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie down as I walked to the computer. It reminded me of the cold winters at school when I would do that to keep my hands warm in the bitter cold and then at home, I would be told off for stretching my jumpers.

Throughout watching I had had to get up to find some tissues and blow my nose. I hated keeping tissues once they had been used, so the process repeated itself until I finally just put the box next to the computer. I hadn’t wanted to do that in the first place because it was admitting what I didn’t want to be true; that I was ill.

Before I headed back to bed, at a time that probably was what Levi classed as staying up to late, I took some paracetamol and made myself another lemsip. That time as I drank it, I opened up one of the blinds in the living room and watched as my little street carried on with its life.

There were only a few people around in the whole time that I stood there, but just as I was pulling the blind down, I saw some lights flicker on across the street, a sign that it was the start of a new day, a start of another day with a cold that shouldn’t have been that bad, but was making feel like curling up in bed forever.

I trudged off to bed to find Levi curled up under most of the duvet. Instead of moving the cover, which would risk him waking up, I went without and lay down in a way which meant that the duvet was only covering my right side.

It was there that I slept until I heard a loud, “Morning!” I opened my eyes groggily and rubbed against them with the back of my palm. Even after more sleep, I still felt tired and I felt as if I was blocked up. I was sure that I probably looked disgusting as well.

Levi was stood at the foot of the bed, a tea towel over one arm and a tray in his hands. I tried to smell what it was that he had, but I only heard the awful sound that is made when you breathe through a blocked nose. “Morning,” I muttered, pushing myself up so I was in a sitting position.

Levi walked to my side of the bed and put the tray down precariously on the little bedside table. He passed me the tea towel, which I laid across my lap, and then moved back to pass me the tray. “Voila!”

He had made me some porridge with a cup of tea. I immediately knew where he got the idea from. I had been ill when staying with him once and then he made me porridge every morning because none of the shops sold anything else that I liked.

“Thank you,” I told him, “but you shouldn’t have. It’s only a cold.” That was the truth, even though at the time I think I would have preferred to streak naked past Buckingham Palace.

“Yeah, I know, but I like looking after you brat.” He walked around me so that he was back on his side of the bed and I started to eat as he spoke. “I googled it and colds can last from three to seven days, so I have planned out five days with different things that we can do on each day. Also, even there’s no cure for the common cold, I have gone to the shop to buy you some cold medicine.”

I was almost shocked by the amount of effort that he had gone to. I felt like I should have told him that I didn’t want all the attention, but I was sort of looking forward to it.

After I finished breakfast, he took the tray from me and we started our first 'ill day’. We took the duvet and pillows from our bed, then the same from the spare bed, and built a fort in the living room, using the dining room chairs as each end for it.

Once inside, Levi brought in his laptop and we spent hours snuggled up in there going on YouTube adventures to see what weird and wonderful videos we could find. It was warm and cosy in the fort, so I was a little upset when we had to leave it and take it down.

Then Levi went to the kitchen to make me some soup. He told me that it would be best if I waited for him to cook it, but being with him distracted me from how ill I felt, so I watched him as he cooked for both of us. I had slept in well past midday, which meant that this soup would be dinner.

In the bread bin, we found that we still had half a baguette, which was luckily still in date. Levi instructed me to look over the soup whilst he cut the bread up with the bread knife. When he’d done that he opened the cupboard full of crockery that we had brought from our parents houses and found two soup cups hidden at the back.

“I knew we still had these!” he exclaimed as he put them down on the counter. They looked almost like bowls, but they also had the shape and handle that you would expect from a cup. One had two lemons on the side and the other had to oranges. I chose the one with the lemons.

As we were serving it up, I felt a big sneeze coming and quickly turned around, covering my nose and mouth with the hands. The thing that was left on them was not at all appetising and I had to scuttle away to grab some tissues while Levi took our food to the table.

When I had been in the pillow fort with Levi, I had started to feel a little better, but looking back on it, I knew it had only been a distraction. Before dinner was over, I could feel my headache coming back and I was sniffling a lot more than I had been previously.

Afterwards I resigned myself to the sofa, where I snuggled up under a duvet that we had left out and caught up on a few TV shows that I had missed over the previous weeks. After doing some things on his laptop, Levi joined me. I curled up next to him.

The next thing I knew, I was being prodded. I squirmed away from whatever it was and opened my eyes slightly. I could see bright white and was confused for a second before I realised that it was the duvet set.

I sat up and found myself looking into Levi's eyes. He had put his glasses on, so I could see my reflection slightly. “Time for bed brat,” Levi said, a smile playing at the edge of his lips.

I brought the duvet up so that I was covering the whole of my torso. “What time is it?” I asked.

“Time we were asleep probably. Well, you already were, but I’m getting tired now and I didn’t want to leave you here, especially as you’re curled up in our duvet.” He reached up one of his hands to cup my cheek gently and I leaned into his touch. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I could sleep for a lot longer,” I chuckled, but when I saw how concerned Phil’s expression was I decided to take his question more seriously. “I still feel ill.” My body decided that that would be a appropriate time to cough and I let out a little sniffle.

“In a way I’m glad you do,” Levi told me, “otherwise it would be a waste of all the other things I’ve planned.”

When I woke the next morning, I was alone in the bed. I rolled onto my side so that I could see the clock, which told me it was eleven. By the amount of sunlight coming in through the window I knew it had to be eleven in the morning and was silently pleased with myself for not sleeping through the whole day.

I got out of bed and padded through to the kitchen. Levi wasn’t there, but I decided to make myself a cup of coffee so I could fully wake up before I went to go and find him. While the water was boiling, I decided to have a biscuit, but I felt like it tasted a bit off.

Once the coffee was made, I took a tentative sip and almost spat it out with how hot it was. Temperature aside, I also couldn’t taste it. I took a deep breath in and found that I couldn’t smell it either, not that I was too surprised with how blocked up I felt.

Then I heard a little bang from lower down in the apartment. I knew it was Levi because I had heard that sound multiple times before when he was moving around. I set my coffee down and headed for the stairs.

Levi was just shutting the bathroom door as I came to the end of the flight of stairs. “Oh,” he said with surprise as he saw me. “I thought I’d have to come and wake you up.”

“No need,” I told him as I adjusted my top slightly. “What are you up to?” I sniffled after my sentence and brought my hand up to my nose.

He turned around so that he could open the door. Then he made a gesture that indicated I should go into the bathroom, which I did, with him following me in.

The bath was filled with warm water that was gradually turning a pink colour and around the room there were various candles lit. I felt like reminding him how bad it was to leave lit candles unattended, but I was too overwhelmed by how good it looked to make any comment.

“I thought a bath might help you to feel better. That’s what I was doing on the laptop last night. I went to Lush this morning to get some things that Hangi said would be good.” He took a deep breath and looked over at me expectantly. “Do you like it?”

“Of course,” I told him truthfully and reached out so that I could hold his hand. I would have kissed him, but I wasn’t sure if he would be too happy with that, what with me being ill.

He turned around slightly as if he were about to leave, but I pulled him back. “I’ll leave you to it,” he said.

I shook my head. “Come in with me.”

“I’m not sure that the bath is big enough for both of us, I mean i know I'm short but...” I had to agree with his observation, but I still didn’t want to have all that he had prepared just for me.

“Please.” I tried to bat my eyelashes at him, but he only laughed.

“Okay then brat,” he muttered as he smiled.

We both stripped off and left our clothes in separate piles on the bathroom floor. I got in first, sitting at the end with the taps, and he got in second, sitting opposite me. The way that we had to sit meant that my left foot was pressed up against a more delicate part of his body, but we soon got past what little awkwardness there was and ended up splashing each other with the bubbly rose scented water.

After a while, Levi instructed me to turn around so that he could wash my hair. I complied and felt a bit of the pain in my head disappear as he massaged my head with the shampoo and then the conditioner.

As he rinsed my hair for the final time, I started to feel how cold the water was getting and let out a little shiver. We soon got out and as Levi wrapped one of the larger towels around me, he gave me a small kiss on the cheek. I felt myself blushing a little, but decided not to try and hide it.

Levi insisted that I shouldn’t wear my clothes from the day before and instead left to find me some comfortable clothes, whilst I drained the bath.

He brought me back a pair of tracksuit bottoms, a top and my old university hoodie. I put them on happily and followed him to the kitchen when he said that we should go there. I found my cup of coffee, which was getting a bit cold and took some paracetamol while Levi went around to various cupboards, getting multiple things out.

“Right,” he said once he had an assortment of things of the kitchen counter. “Firstly we’re going to make cookies and then while they’re in the oven we’re going to make something that my grandma used to make.”

He brought his laptop in and set it on the counter that was clear of stuff. On the open tab there was a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Just the thought of them made me hungry when I had barely felt it before.

My main job was to read the instructions out as Levi was worried that I would contaminate the mixture and to be fair to him, I was sneezing and coughing most of the time. We ended up with far too much mixture to be able to cut out and fit onto one tray, so I got to cut out my cookies into various shapes and Levi got to cut out ones to put onto his tray. Most of mine were circles as being ill cut my creativity levels, but he had various animals and other objects.

Looking at the computer for so long had made my head start to hurt, so Levi said that he would made the dish that his grandma used to make by himself while I went and relaxed for a bit. He also made a comment about how cute my curly hair was, but I only shook my head at that.

Back in our room, I found the second Song Of Ice And Fire book, which I had been meaning to start for a while. Instead of taking a nap, as I had planned to, I ended up reading. I tucked myself under the duvet, but stayed sitting as I read.

I was soon so absorbed in the storyline that I forgot completely about being ill, or the time, or Phil. When I felt the mattress go down slightly I was so shocked that I jumped.

“Sorry,” Levi said. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” I saw that he had put on his 'kiss the cook’ apron and that it was quite messy.

“No, no,” I told him and I moved my bookmark from further on in the book to the page that I was on. “Do you need my help with anything?”

“I’m just about to dish up actually.”

“Dish up?” I took a look over at the clock and found that it was almost half four. “Was I really reading for that long?”

“Time flies when you’re ill,” Levi said as he stood up.“You hungry?” I hadn’t thought about food until he asked me that and suddenly my stomach let out a grumble. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he chuckled.

We both went through to the kitchen where there was a glass dish filled with what Phil had been cooking sitting on top of the hobs. There was also a colander sitting in a pan, which I assumed to be filled with vegetables.

I tried to breathe in the small of what he had been cooking, but all I got was that awful blocked nose sniffing sound. “What is it?” I asked.

“Cottage pie,” Levi told me as he opened one of the draws to get our a serving spoon. He put our food onto plates and then we took it to the dining table where there were more plates with cookies on them.

I ate slowly, trying my hardest to taste what Levi had made, but I found myself struggling to do so. After that, we both had a few cookies before declaring that we couldn’t have any more for fear of our stomachs bursting.

That night, I woke up multiple times coughing and sneezing, even waking Levi on some occasions. However, that morning I was starting to feel clearer. I knew that I had passed the worst.

For the first time, Levi wasn’t up before me so he hadn’t had the chance to set up what he wanted us to do. We made a breakfast of toast together in the kitchen and then Levi instructed me to make us some tea whilst he set up what he wanted us to do.

He came back in just as I was pouring the tea out of the teapot. He carried both of our cups into the living room and I followed him in. Spread over the table, were lots of different photos, most of us, some of places that either or both of us had been to and some of our friends. In the background I recognised some of my favourite piano music.

Levi set our mugs down on the coffee table and picked up a ring bound album with the word 'Memories’ on the front of it. “I also got loads of photos printed out yesterday,” he told me with a smile, “and I thought we could make album of them.”

“That would be great!” I replied enthusiastically. We started with photos back from when we first met. I almost laughed at some of them, partially from my choice of clothing and partially because of how awkward we had been around each other then.

As we looked through more I was reminded of all the happy memories that the pictures showed and also of how much we had both grown as people over our few years of knowing each other.

When we took a break for our soup lunch, most of the album was full and there were no pictures left for us to put in. We put it on the set of shelves where all the DVDs were, so that if we ever wanted to flick through it, it was easy for us to reach.

Then Levi got Monopoly out from the bottom of his wardrobe. I chose to be the little dog and Levi decided that he would play as the old boot. It took us a long while for all the properties to go, but once they did there was a lot of bargaining, some of which I found unfair because I felt like he was taking advantage of me being ill, and a lot of building.

After many hours of playing, I landed on Mayfair which had a hotel on it and had to concede because of a particularly bad go around the board. For once though, I wasn’t too angry about it. Instead I came out with the line, “Winner puts away.”

I knew he would have done it anyway, as he normally did, but I felt like I needed to give him a reason to do things for me. Over the day I had been starting to feel a lot better and I knew it was only a matter of time before things went back to normal, but I didn’t want it to end.

I slept the whole night through that night and in the morning when I woke up I took a deep breath in, expecting to find my nose blocked as it had been previously, but I could actually feel the air rushing through my nostrils and although it still seemed a little bunged up, it was definitely a lot better.

If I had been back in school or at a nine till five job, I would have gone back in that day, but I didn’t have any of that, so I decided instead that I would pretend to be ill for a little longer.

That day, Levi brought his old PS1 from the study to the living room and set it up with an extension cord so we didn’t have to sit on the floor and play.

I didn’t know what most of the games that he showed me were, so consequently he won most of them when we started to play them, but I soon picked up how to play each one well and started to beat him a few times.

It was then that he started to question how ill I was. “I thought with you being ill and everything that I’d beat you easily.”

I let out a small cough before replying. “No. I still have these super video games skills when I’m ill.”

Levi looked at me questioningly after that, but I hoped that I could still convince him that I was ill enough that I needed to be looked after.  Just a little longer, I told myself. Just a little longer convincing him that you’re ill and then you can go back to normal.

As we played on, I made sure that I lost a few more rounds, hoping that it would put him off my trail. He seemed happy when he won and so I thought I had done enough.

For dinner, Levi made a curry with naan bread, onion bhajis and vegetable pakoras. As my nose was clearer, I could smell the flavours rising from the pan and I licked my lips in anticipation of the meal, which did turn out to be more than delicious.

Then we settled down on the sofa to watch some movies. I noticed that Levi had put a cardboard box of tissues next to the little table on my side of the sofa and at various points throughout the movie I took one to blow my nose into, making all the appropriate sounds with my mouth instead of them actually coming from me naturally.

Before going to bed, I pretended to take some paracetamol and some of the medicine Levi had gotten me to keep up the act. I was starting to find pretending to be ill more tiring than actually being ill.

When I woke up the next morning I was feeling even better and knew that the cold had completely cleared itself out. Levi was still asleep, his small frame curled up on his side facing away from me, so I decided to breathe in deeply and let the air rush in. “Just a little longer,” I whispered to myself and made the move to get out of bed, but suddenly I heard Levi's voice from the bed beside me.

“I knew it.” He rolled over and glared up at me. “I knew you weren’t ill.”

“I … I’m so sorry Levi. I was ill and then I started to feel better but I liked you looking after me. I’m sorry.”

“Really?” he questioned.

“Yes, yes I am.”

“Good,” he said with a small smile. “You can make me breakfast then brat.”

I sighed and got out of bed. I started to feel a bit bad about what I’d done. Levi had gone to a lot of effort to try and make me feel better and it wasn’t right for me to use him just for that. “Sorry again,” I muttered as I reached the door.

“(M/N)!” Levi called me and I turned back round to face him. “It’s okay, I enjoy looking after you, just don’t lie to me, okay?”

I walked back over to the bed and leaned over it so that I could bring our lips together. “That’s perfectly okay,” I whispered

~Ver

My Story So Far...

For those who don’t want to scroll back through all of the posts. This is a long post so grab a cuppa, a chocolate bar and make yourself comfortable.

When I was in my teens I discovered heavy metal music and fell in love! All it took was the first chord of Paranoid by Black Sabbath. My dad was into heavy metal when he was younger and he had the Black Sabbath Greatest Hits tape (yes, cassette tape!) and a Judas Priest tape by the stereo. My mum refused to let me listen to “that rubbish” which obviously made me want to listen to it more. My dad & kept ferrets and he has a radio/cassette player in the ferret shed. I took the Black Sabbath tape to the shed and dad let me listen to it. I quickly discovered Metallica, Machine Head, Limp Bizkit, Linking Park, Deftones etc. At 16/17 I was regularly going to Coventry’s best metal club, the Dog & Trumpet. I moshed to the music like there was no tomorrow. 20 years later was the tomorrow I would painfully discover. I also worked in old people’s homes, often lifting and holding residents at their dead weight due to lack of staff, equipment or both. I thought I knew better when I was warned about the repercussions of living such a lifestyle and working.

I had my first bout of Sciatica when I was approx. 21. I was sat watching TV in the living room on a Sunday evening when my cousin, Becky, arrived with Aunty Teresa and suggested a trip to the Nugget for a pint or 6. I jumped up from the sofa and the pain was excruciating. I went to the pub and sank 6 pints of lager in 2 hours, the pain refused to budge. The next day I went to see my GP who prescribed 10 days of Prednisolone and told me it may or may not go away! At this point I thought Sciatica was the diagnosis, I didn’t know it was a symptom. Luckily after a week it corrected itself 90% with the odd twing now-and-again.

One night I was at The Campbell in Coventry and after having a fair few drinks was up with some mates dancing on the bar. I misplaced my foot, fell off the bar and landed flat on my back. Everyone panicked but I just lay there laughing my head off! Apart from looking like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards and a slight bump to the head I was fine. The sciatic pain stopped altogether after that fall! Since then I always had a bad back on and off. Each time just becoming slightly worse. I took painkillers and ignored it. When I did see a GP they just told me to take painkillers and rest. At no point was I offered any kind of investigation into what was causing the back pain. Even when the GP acknowledged I’d been having problems for some years!

Fast forward 20 years, now I’m 37. In February this year my back started to play up again. Out came the painkillers and I just carried on. My lower left leg and foot went completely numb. I ignored it, thought it’s only sciatica, it’ll sort itself out in a few days. Over the next few weeks I found it increasingly painful to walk. Colleagues were commenting on how much pain I looked like I was in. I laughed it off as I waddled around. One day my back was giving me hell. The walk to my car after work was so painful I ended up crying in my car before driving home. At this point, in April, I decided to see my GP. It was clear that this time it was not going to go away. My GP gave me painkillers and referred me for a MRI advising that Sciatica is a symptom of something happening to my sciatic nerve and a MRI will help find out what was going on. He signed me off work because I was in so much pain. I had no idea how long the MRI appointment was going to take. I knew it takes 4 weeks for the results from the MRI to come through and could take up to 8 weeks to get the scan.

My brother was really worried about me so he booked and paid for an appointment for me on 20th of April at his Chiropractors. I went thinking they would look at my back and say “we can sort this in a couple of sessions”. Instead he did an hours worth of tests. He was surprised and clearly irritated that none of the doctors I had seen previously had done the basic checks (reflexes etc). He told me that the only treatment he could offer before my MRI was laser treatment to help ease the nerves because my back was so bad and due to the neurological effects. Not only is my left leg and foot partially numb but my foot is weak due to the impact of whatever is going on in my back is having on my nerves. He advised me to lay down as much as possible on my right side with a pillow between my knees, to use a freeze pack on my back for 20 minutes of every hour I’m awake and strongly advised me to have the MRI ASAP also advising he could refer me for a private MRI for £250! I told him I needed to think about it. During the appointment I laughed, joked and swore a little when it hurt! When I got back into my car I cried. I was hoping for good news not to be told that it’s worse than I thought it was. I now need to decide if I can wait for the NHS MRI and results or to go ahead with a much quicker private MRI.

On the 25th of April I chose the private MRI, my housemate who is also a best friend paid for it using money she had saved for a holiday we were going on with friends. I called the Chiropractors who advised I would get a call from the private clinic to arrange an appointment. The next day they called me and advised they had a cancellation for the 27th of April! I couldn’t believe how quick it was. I jumped at the chance. I had my MRI at Heath Lodge Clinic. Di (my best friend/housemate) came with me for support. It was a beautiful building set in lovely gardens. The receptionist was really nice and helpful. The waiting room had bookshelves with hundreds of books, plenty of leather armchairs and a coffee/hot drink machine. There was also a coffee table with plenty of magazines to choose from. The receptionist had given me a heath & safety form to fill in and offered to collect it after seeing me hobbling around. I only had to wait about 5 minutes before being called through, during which I saw bunnies in the garden of the clinic. I love wildlife.

The radiologist and assistant were really friendly. We all praised the comfort of wearing Sketchers as all three of us had a pair on. The MRI only took 10-15 minutes. I had to lay on my back and despite taking painkillers (2x500mg Paracetamol, 2x50mg Tramadol & 2mg Diazepam) it was agony. The pain in my back and left leg was horrific and it did make me cry. I managed to stay perfectly still though because I wanted to get it done. Both were surprised when I asked for a tissue afterwards. They both praised me on how still I stayed and told me off for not making them aware so I could have a break. I explained that I just wanted to get it out of the way. I returned to the waiting room while they prepared the CD of images. I had a lovely chocomilk but was struggling to get comfortable sitting or standing. After about 10 minutes the CD was ready, we paid and left. The receptionist advised my chiropractor should receive the report in 5 working days! I was so relieved to have gotten the MRI out of the way. I knew it was going to be painful and I also want to know what is going on in my back ASAP.

At this point I was on 2xNaproxen 500mg 2xper day, 2xParacetemol 500mg 4xper day, 2xTramadol 50mg 4xper day & Diazepam 2mg 3xper day. I was still in a lot of pain.

On the 29th of April I got the MRI appointment letter from University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire advising my NHS MRI was booked for 13th of May! 1) It took 5 weeks to get this letter! 2) I’d have had to wait another 2 weeks for the MRI! 3) I’d have had to wait a further 4 weeks for the results!!! All while I was in agony! I was so glad I had my MRI privately. Got apt 2 days after referral & only a weeks wait for results.

On the 6th of May I had an appointment with the Chiropractor to discuss the results of the MRI. It was the news that I equally expected & dreaded. The L4/L5 disc bulge was significant enough for surgery to be the only option at that point. My Chiropractor advised of treatments but due to the severity he was reluctant to try them due to the risk of making it worse. I needed to take my copy of the report and MRI CD to my GP to get an urgent surgical referral. I was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, glad to know what I was dealing with, upset with the severity and petrified of potential surgery.

I took my report to my GP who sent an urgent referral to see a neurosurgeon. I called the booking centre to see how long it could be and they said I should be given an appointment within 8 weeks and that the appointment will be within 18 weeks. I could’ve cried. On the 11th of May I got so excited because I had a letter from the hospital asking me to book an appointment with the General Neurosurgical – Neurosciences Department with the option of 3 hospitals: University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire – 1.5 miles away, George Eliot Hospital – 8 miles away or Warwick Hospital – 12 miles away. I had the option to book online or by phone. I excitedly logged onto the website and entered the required info only to find out that none of the hospitals have any appointments available!!! I called the number on the letter and spoke to a lovely guy who advised none of the hospitals had released any blocks of appointments to be booked by this method! He was just as frustrated as me. He advised that he can send my details to the hospital of my choice and they will send me an appointment letter within 2 weeks.I opted for University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire, not just because it is the closest but because I trust them more than the other 2 hospitals. So the waiting game restarted.

On the 19th of May I got a letter from the hospital to advise I was on the waiting list for an appointment!!! I hoped the consultant that reviewed my referral would give me an appointment ASAP. More waiting…

Whilst waiting a bought a walking stick to not only help me walk with less pain but to also stop me hobbling like I’d got something shoved up my bum! I also got to thinking about my bad back. How over the last few years (or more) my back has gone through “phases” of being bad and then would be better again. Each time it would be slightly worse, I would take painkillers and just get on with my life. Maybe each time my disc was bulging a bit more until eventually it caused my current issues. Even if I had tried to do something about it before I honestly don’t think my GP would’ve referred me for further investigation if I had tried to press them to. They would’ve continued to prescribe painkillers until it had settled again. Do we always have to wait for things get so bad before we get them sorted? The NHS is so stretched that GPs will only refer cases that are really bad. Also GPs are charged for the referrals which doesn’t help, especially if they are penny-pinchers or financially stretched themselves. I also suffer from chronic sinusitis and allergic rhinitis, which means I suffer from loads of sinus infections and am allergic to everything airborne. It wasn’t until I was having back-to-back infections, affecting the left side of my face mainly, that the GP sent me for a CT scan. He actually made me say that I was in constant pain before he would do anything! I was told the results of the first scan showed that there was just a bit of fluid build up in my maxillary sinuses and everything else was ok. I saw a different GP about 3 infections later who looked at my first CT scan and then quickly sent me for another CT scan. Clearly the first GP had missed the actual problem. The second scan showed that I had a deviated septum blocking my left sinuses! One operation (Septoplasty) later I still have infections just not as often or as fierce. If the docs had sent me for a CT scan after the first couple of infections it may have saved me from a lot of suffering. Maybe if I had pushed my GP to investigate my back or they had instigated an investigation sooner it could’ve been caught earlier, I wouldn’t be where I am now, in constant pain despite the painkillers. Struggling to sleep. Struggling to walk, sit and lay down. Getting pain so bad it makes me feel sick and makes me feel hot and sweaty. Looking at an operation to fix the problem because it has potentially gone passed the point of being treated by physiotherapy. It took my brother paying for an appointment at a Chiropractors and my friend paying for a private MRI scan for me to find out what is wrong before mid-June! By which time I could’ve caused more/permanent damage as I have a habit of battling through and getting on with whatever I’m doing. “What if’s” are the most annoying thoughts! What if I had spoken out? What if the GP had done their job better? What if the NHS wasn’t in crisis? What if I hadn’t been so stoic? What if I hadn’t handled my pain so well? What if I had complained more? At least I was on the road to getting some treatment, even though the traffic was/is slow.

On the 9th of May I called the hospital booking line, more out of boredom and impatience than anything else. The very nice gentleman I spoke to shocked me by advising that an appointment has been assigned to me. It’s for 10:20am on 31st of August 2017! I asked if there was a cancellations list I could join. He advised that they do not have a cancellations list but gave me the Neurosurgeon’s secretary’s phone number. I tried to call her but she’d already left for the day so I left her a voicemail message asking for a cancellation spot.

On the 10th of May the letter confirming my appointment arrived. It was then a case of waiting for a cancellation.

On the 15th of May I managed to speak to the Neurosurgeon’s secretary, she was lovely. Very helpful. I asked about being on a cancellations list and she said she would contact me when the next cancellation came up. She also advised that she’d look out for cancellations for the other consultants too.

On the 16th of May I went to see my GP about my pain meds as they were not working. She was very angry that the locum had only put me on 300mg of Gabapentin per day at a previous appointment. She was also unimpressed that I was taking Paracetamol as well, she said “you are way past Paracetamol, they are only sweets for you!” I advised that I no longer wanted the Diazepam as I didn’t feel it did anything for me. So she removed the Diazepam, Paracetamol and increased my Gabapentin to 900mg per day. I also had a call from the consultants secretary asking if I could make weekend appointments. I told her I could, to get cancellations you need to be a flexible as possible. Then she asked if I could attend an appointment on Sunday at 9:20am! I was genuinely shocked. I nearly bit her hand off!! I can indeed I told her. Then she confirmed I’d be seeing the consultant at 9:20am on Sunday 18th of June! You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. I was so happy I cried. My original appointment was for 31st of August 2017. I was excited, a little nervous and over all relieved as I wanted the pain to be sorted ASAP.

On the 18th of May my housemate came with me to my appointment as although I was ok about it on the Friday & Saturday, on the morning of the appointment I was a little anxious. We arrived 10 minutes early, we’d barely sat down in the waiting room when I was called through. I had downloaded a dictaphone app for my phone to record the appointment as I have them memory of a goldfish! I’d like to blame the painkillers but I’ve always been an “airhead”. I asked the consultant if I could record the appointment and his response was “go ahead dear”. He was lovely, very to the point but with a gentle manner. I instantly felt like I could trust him. There just seems to be something about him. He had read the MRI report I’d emailed to his secretary. The key points he said during the appointment were: “Nobody can give you a new back, nobody can give you a new disc and nobody can give you a new nerve.” “We can trim the disc to take the pressure off the nerve. It’s a repair not a cure. It carries risks.” “If the pain is getting better then don’t have the surgery, if it isn’t getting better or if it’s getting worse then think about having the surgery. Both having or not having the surgery carries the same risk of paralysis due to the pressure on your spinal cord.” “If you are happy to proceed with surgery it will be a L4/L5 decompression surgery and trim the disc. Again it is a repair not cure. Your back will always be problematic. If the nerves are too damaged it will not relieve the pain.”

I opted for the surgery. My back is getting worse, I need some relief and it makes sense to try to take the pressure off the nerves. There is a chance surgery will help to relieve the pain. Not having the surgery will leave me in agony.

I am now on his list. I’m not sure how long it will be before my surgery. The sooner I get this done the better. My pre-op is booked for the 4th of July but this in no way indicates when my surgery will be. In the meantime I need to manage the pain with painkillers which is proving to be a struggle.

On an emotional level, I am both relieved and upset. I knew how bad it was but hearing it from a consultant makes it “real”. I’m relieved because I know what I’m facing longterm so now I can get my head down and get on with it.

I am extremely lucky to have three close friends who have had similar surgeries and am a member of several support groups on Facebook. Along with family & friends I have plenty of support. For that I will always be grateful.

Allied, Part 9

Group: GOT7

Member: Jackson

POV: 1st Person

Type: Angst/Fluff/Series/Other

Word Count: 2,200

Summary: The world is in turmoil. There are few functioning governments left and an incurable disease has wiped out most of the human population. It’s every man for himself until you find an ally who becomes more.

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15

“You’re an idiot, you know that?”

Jackson doesn't say a word, just scowls, as I walk around the room preparing things to fix him up.

After coming ashore and finding out Jackson was injured, our new little group decided that the number one priority was treating Jackson. So the three of us set out on a trek that led us to a road and then an old, abandoned gas station. After checking that it was safe, I pulled Jackson into the bathroom while Jaebum kept watch outside. It was in pretty bad shape and there was nothing left to scavenge, but it at least got us out of the elements to focus on getting that bullet out of Jackson. 

That was one thing we determined on the way. Only one of the bullets went all the way through; the one in his abdomen. None of us were doctors, but as far as we could tell, the one that went all the way through didn’t cause serious damage. We would have to wait and see, but he kept pressure on it until we got to the gas station. I knew if I left it the other bullet in, it would get infected and risking any kind of infection was asking for trouble. The deadly kind and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want to lose Jackson.

It was stupid really. He was just a guy I met along the way, or at least he used to be. Now he was someone to look to, someone to help. A companion, a comrade, a friend. And I would be a monster to let my friend die because of a fucking infection.

“We might be dead if I didn’t take over,” I heard Jackson say and turned around to look at him.

He was leaning against the counter where the sinks were, looking very uncomfortable and very shirtless, but I couldn’t appreciate it through all of the blood. He also looked annoyed. I was as well, but at that point I couldn’t figure out who was annoyed with what. If he was annoyed with me, himself or our situation in general. I got the feeling it was all of the above.

“What?” I asked.

“If I didn’t step in to get the motor going and get us out of there, we might be dead.”

I scoffed. “I’m not calling you stupid because you took over from me. I’m calling you stupid because you didn’t consider the consequences and because you didn’t tell us sooner that you got hit.”

He tried crossing his arms to make a snarky comment but winced when it made him engage his injured shoulder. I almost laughed at how quickly the look on his face shifted from sassy to hurt, but I stopped myself. There was no point in either of us getting any more riled up than we already were.

“Let’s get that bullet out of you.”

I set down everything I had in terms of first aid next to him on the counter. All I could find was some gauze, a little bit of antiseptic I had left in my bag, fabric scraps, and a needle that I would need to close up the hole in his shoulder. The two in his abdomen were small enough to close up with butterfly stitches and then wrap some gauze and fabric around to keep closed, so I did that first. He gritted his teeth and hiss harshly when I applied the antiseptic, but the worst was still to come. I touched the skin around the bullet wound in his shoulder and Jackson pretty much jumped out of my reach.

“That hurts,” he yelled in a high-pitched voice. 

“It’s going to hurt a lot more than that when I pull the bullet out,” I told him. “This isn’t going to be easy.”

He flinched when I tried to reach for him again. It was weird seeing Jackson, the usually brave and reckless, shying away from my touch. I needed to help him but he was too scared to let. I was going to need to try a different strategy.

“Wait here,” I said.

Jaebum was right outside the bathroom, leaning against the wall with a gun in hand. He looked very casual, but I knew he was being vigilant. I was actually surprised he was still with us at all. His head shot up when I came out and he looked at me with enquiring eyes.

“So?” he asked. “How’d it go?”

“I’m not getting that bullet out of him without some help. We have nothing to numb the pain and he’s so sensitive right now. He is going to scream his lungs out when I try to get that bullet out and let everyone within a five-mile radius know where we are.”

He thought about it for a second before nodded. “You have a point. What do you need me to do?”

The truth was I didn’t know. My medical knowledge was limited, but I knew the tools needed to be sterile and that we needed to manage Jackson’s pain somehow, for his sake. But we only had so much at our disposal. All we had for pain were some paracetamol for headaches, nothing that could make a gunshot feel like less of a big deal. We also didn’t have anaesthesia, which meant Jackson was going to be in a world of pain. I didn’t look forward to seeing that or being responsible for it, but we didn’t have a choice.

“We need to find him something to bite on,” I said to Jaebum, letting my words sink in. “And I’m going to need you to hold him down.”

I waited while he processed what I told him, a looking of determination settling over him before he nodded. It was bizarre to me how ready he was to tackle stuff like this. I knew we’d all seen our fair share of shit and had to learn to work through it, but Jaebum was on another level. Being part of the rebels really affected him. 

We search the shop one more time before deciding that a souvenir t-shirt would be the best thing for him to bite on. I’ll rip off a piece, wad it up and stuff it in his mouth. Hopefully that will stifle most of the sound.

Jaebum follows me into the bathroom where Jackson is sat on the counter looking like a fidgety mess biting his nails. We get him to lie down on a pile of t-shirts we brought in from the shop, tearing a piece off of one for the gag. I sterilise a pair of stainless steel chopsticks with a lighter and prepare some more fabric scraps with antiseptic liquid while we wait for them to cool down. Jackson’s eyes keep shifting between me and Jaebum, waiting for some kind of reassurance, but it wasn’t time for that yet. I accidentally put pressure on the hurt shoulder and he hisses loudly before I apologise. It was too sensitive. He was going to have to wear a sling for a while and that would put him at a disadvantage.

“This is going to suck,” I tell Jackson before putting a wad of fabric in his mouth.

His eyes widen briefly and then he looks away from me entirely. I grab the chopsticks and take a deep breath before sticking them into the wound. Immediately Jackson flinches and tries to scream, but the fabric does a good job at muffling him. Jaebum holds him down while I try to find the bullet.

“Hold on,” Jaebum says to try and console him. “She has to do this.”

But Jackson keeps screaming the same muffled cry of pain and I see tears running down his face. It makes it so much harder for me to concentrate, but I have to get it done. Two torturous minutes late, I finally get the bullet out and I drop it on the floor where it rolls into one of the stalls out of sight. We all take a relieved breath, but Jackson is still in a considerable amount of pain and he’s also bleeding pretty badly.

I quickly apply the antiseptic liquid to a rag and press it to the wound, making him flinch and squeal again. Jaebum keeps holding him down without any hint of expression on his face. 

When everything was finally under control and I had Jackson’s wound dressed, everything was quiet. Jackson’s eyes were still squeezed shut and his breathing heavy. It was the only other sound I could hear over my heart pounding in my head.

“You’ll be okay,” I whispered to him. “I promise.”

We decided to stay at the gas station that night. Jackson and I were still too wiped out from the bullet removal to really think about moving around. Jaebum wasn’t too keen on the idea, but for some reason he also didn’t want to venture off on his own. It was comforting to know he would be around to have our backs. I think he’s proven his trustworthiness at this point.

I build us a small fire around the back of the building in an enclosed service area. The corrugated steel up against the chainlink fence told us that someone tried to reinforce the station, but they weren’t very successful by the looks of things. 

Jackson was asleep inside in what seemed like a staff room. His arm was in a sling and he was pretty much dead to the world not even ten minutes after I took care of him. In all honestly, I was very worried about him. I’d done the best that I could with my limited resources, but there was still the risk of infection. There was only so much I could do in the shitty circumstances.

I was tending to the fire and trying to keep warm at the same time when I felt someone take a seat beside me. It almost scared me half to death before I remembered Jaebum was still awake.

“You shouldn’t be up,” I said. “You’ll be too tired to take the next shift.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, staring into the fire.

I didn’t have anything to say to that. I didn’t want to be a nag. If he didn’t want to sleep I wasn’t going to command him to. So we just sat like that, staring at the fire and listening to its almost rhythmic popping. It would almost be soothing if it wasn’t pitch black around us in every direction.

“So,” said Jaebum suddenly. “You and Jackson.”

I turned to look at him. “Me and Jackson what?”

“Are you two, like, together?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“We don’t feel that way about each other.”

“That’s not true on his part.”

“And how would you know that, stranger?”

My emphasis on the last word makes him smile. “I don’t have to know either of you very well to notice the way he looks at you.”

His gaze on me is too intense and I have to look back at the fire. “And how is that?”

“Like you’re his whole world.”

My skin prickles at that. “Your skills of observation are off.”

He chuckles. “They’re definitely not. Jackson is so in love with you, it’s almost sad. Why are you doing this to him?”

I jump to my feet. “Why are you doing this to me?”

He just looks up at me with his dark eyes and the slight smirk on his face tells me that he’s gotten what he wanted. All he wanted was to get a rise out of me and I gave it to him on a silver platter.

“Do you think this is easy for me?” I continue. “You’re a loner too. You of all people should know what it’s like to not want to get close to anyone. We’re both going to get hurt eventually and this is the lesser of all those possible evil. So, just leave it alone. I’m going to sleep. You can take this shift.”

I march off into the building before he can get another word in, but I know what I said will resonate with him. It wasn’t as simple as jumping into a relationship with the first person you find. I wanted to minimise the damage I did to other people and getting romantically involved with anyone increased the chances of doing just that. I needed to keep my options open. If, for whatever reason, I needed to make a run for it, I could because I’m essentially on my own. Yes, Jackson and I were travelling together, but that doesn’t make him my responsibility. All I wanted was to do right by him without things getting too serious.

As I walk into the staff room and see Jackson asleep on the floor, I’m struck with the realisation that I would be forever indebted to him. He has saved my life so many times that I don’t think I would ever be able to repay him.

I lie down in front of him and as I watch his steady breathing, I fall asleep too.

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#NotAshamed

i was bullied ever since i was a kid. i didn't had a normal childhood like other kids at that time had or could have do. i was always feeling so vulnerable every time and even asked my parents in anger why did they gave birth to me for. i was teased so badly and bullied just because i'm

not a pure malay i was a mixture combination of malay and my origins are malayalee also because i was chubby. i still remember till date every single thing that they have said to me throughout primary and high school time. there was once where my dad bring mercedez car which was a family car that belongs to my uncle to school to fetch me and my brother after school was over and they insult my dad so bad and every words was so hurtful and they said that must not be your father's car it is impossible for him to have that car i bet its his boss car and he is a driver that's why he brings that car to school to fetch you. i used to cry so bad and lock myself in the room every time after i came back from school. i tried to be like them make myself to be accepted in their community. i was hit by a broom, by a thick book until my hand was swollen, i got an full of ice cube thrown at me, every time after recess was over  i go back to class and can see all of my things,books, and even my bag in the dustbin and the boys would laugh so hard at me when i took all of my things and put them back in my bag pack and sit in my seat back. i just wanted to be accepted by them for who i really am even worst they even put a dead bird underneath my table where i always keep my things and i screamed so loud as i saw the dead bird under my table and that's when the boys laughed so hard and said serves you right all because my dad request to shift me from second last to third class but by luck i got into second class when i was 15 years old and since then till i finished my high school i got bullied until to one stage i got a terrible breakdown till i was send by my parents to see a psychiatric at ppum and was under medication for a while to control my depression and anxiety attacks. i also had been having insomnia ever since i was at school. its very hard to feel happy even at times when you're feeling so down about yourself and yet you had to be strong because i didn't wanted to be seen weak in front of others. i used to cry in silent every time and cursed myself for everything that happened to me. i didn't had anyone's emotional support back at that time except from my grandpa he was the only one that truly understands me without me having to say a word and he can know my feelings but i have lost him for good because he went to meet allah and left me all alone also my uncle who was one of a kind the person whom i loved, care and respect the most because every time when he knows im upset without saying a word he would just give me a tight hug and tab my back and say its ok everything will be just fine and i dont have to worry about anything and i would feel so safe but the moment i lost them i felt like a part of me has been taken away and i would just never talked to anyone much and isolate myself from others. i would always be in my bed all day long without moving or go outside anywhere but i had to wake up and get ready to go to college and i tried to keep myself busy with my studies but i was very playful when i first joined college for my diploma course. i would never attend the classes most of the times, i would even skip my classes and joined my college mates and hangout at mall just opposite my college and i failed my exams so bad during my first year of college and when my parents got to know about this they stopped me from college and i was in house for 6 months and did a part time job and that is when i begged my father to let me join college back and finish of what i have started because i didn't like to leave things half way and then i rejoined college back in 2013 and manage to complete my diploma course after 5 years of struggle and prove every one wrong who think i couldn't finish it off. during these times my i have put on a lot weight due to my depression and anxiety attacks which made me to have insomnia as well and i was teased at college and got bullied because of my weight but throughtout my diploma years i have met few decent friends whom stood by me in good and bad times. it is extremely hard for me to always smile and post picture in instagram with motivational quotes to help others who facing hard times in their lives and always became a place for them to lean on and became their motivator because i didn't wanted to anyone that i care who's suffering and seeing them in pain because i know how it feels like to be totally worthless. i always help others and encourage them, motivate them and became a good listener to their problems and advice but somehow deep down inside me i always felt lonely and during my diploma time i fell in love with a guy who is 3 years younger than me whom i thought would be my everything but sadly the relationship didn't last and i was left hanging for no reason and every one was talking behind my back about our break up and was spreading unwanted rumors about it and my name went bad and i almost cut my wrist because i couldn't handle the pressure from surroundings and was dealing some family issues as well but my best friend stopped me and slap me hard and i just cried in her arms so badly because i couldn't handle the pain and think what have i ever done to them and him till i had to go through all this which i don't deserve it at all and was struggling with depression and battling against it for years thanks to my close friends and emotional support that i receive from them and my family i did manage to survive all these years by depending on my physical strength. my mental and emotinal strength has totally been ripped off. i didn't wanted to be lonely because i was scared that ill go into depression again and harm myself. all i ever wanted was a bit of love, happiness and emotional support from my family and parents but eventhough if i tell my problems to them they wont even understand the pain or the struggle which i was going through. there was a time where i tried to end my life by consuming calamite lotion after suffering from severe mental and emotional breakdown but my mom saved my life by making me throw up all of it. i often felt like i'm a total loser in my life and nothing but a burden for all surrounding me. i always lock myself in room and cried as hard as i can thinking why all of it is happening to me, why does it always has to be me going through all this when i never done any harm to anyone and was just being myself. its extremely hard for me to smile and all when i was hurting inside. through out the years i have been depending on my physical strength to survive and live the day. i also became very rebellious i would always leave my room in a mess and untidy the whole room and always would be fighting and arguing with my parents and brothers because i didn't know how to handle my depression and always had mood swings all the time. i just wanted some emotional support from my dad or just a tight hug from him to melt all of my problems away just like how my uncle use to do when he was still alive and motivate and encourage me just like how my grandpa used to do whenever i'm feeling down of myself. then i had a cat named tommy who was like my son and made my day i often play with him and became like a child when i was with him because somehow it helps me to forget my pain. then shortly after that i had another cat named cheezy who is a darl to me and my baby girl and would always spend most of my times with them until tommy ran away from home which left cheezy then she became my small world. i was somehow trying to recover from my depression until i had a call from a lawyer which was from my previous college that says i had certain outstanding payment to be cleared or else i had to face the court and during that i was in the midst of my 3rd semester exam week for my degree course and was doing revision and preparing for my final exam for my 3rd semester and told this to my parents and then the following day i went to my previous college with my mom and brother to meet the person in charge and after all that through out in the car my mom was shouting in the car at me and forcing me to stop my studies and work which i didn't wanted because i needed the degree in order for me to have a better and stabil career and salary package and after we reached home my mom went to her room and shortly after that my second brother came and asked my mom how did it all go and she was telling everything to him and then i just told my mom to stop making it a big fuss and create a drama out of it because i didn't know anything that this would come and was in the midst of preparing for my final exams for 3rd semester where she yelled at me and says in tears that my father was shivering while taking out all the documents and was thinking how is he going to pay to settle the payment and my brother told me that i am nothing but a burden to them and know how to trouble everyone and put them in trouble at that moment i was in shocked to hear that my brother could even say those words to me. i was like ya allah why during times where i didn't slept for days and was really working hard for my exams i had to go through all this and i had a terrible anxiety attack and emotional breakdown where i consumed overdose of paracetamol because at that time i couldn't think of anything and wanted to end my life because when seeing my father in such situation i thought why not i just leave the world rather than being a burden for all of them and took without thinking anything and right after that in the morning i was feeling very weak and a headache then my mom came to me and said its ok we will figure it out and solve it and i called my friend and told her everything and told her to be on the line until i reached the place where we supposed to meet and once i was there we sit and talked for a while and after having my lunch i started to feel heavy giddiness and terrible headache and couldn't even walk because i was about to collapsed due to the effects from the panadol and then my friend held me and send me till chow kit monorail station and i booked myself a grab from there to hkl and got myself admitted in the emergency ward and i was in half critical ward because the effect from the medicine i took affected my liver and kidney badly and i was in the midst of life and death and the doctors told me despite being in that stage it is a miracle that i'm still alive and able to breathe and they told me to inform my parents where i didn't wanted to because i was not in a situation where i can talk to them and told my friend to inform them and shortly after that my mom called me and cried and ask how am i now and what actually happened till i got admitted and i couldn't talk much due to the iv drips and giddiness and my bp went very low till they had to put me in the ward for observation and i was diagnosed with acute depression and right after the call my mom went and call my dad and informed him about my conditions and he was in a total shocked after hearing the news and called my elder brother to come to his office and drive the car to come and meet me in hospital as he couldn't drive in that situation and just a few minutes after dawn they came and asked me what happened and all i was just in silent and didnt talk much at them because at that moment i feel like i was nothing but a burden for my dad. people will normally tell that it is wrong to do all this and etc but they don't understand the pain, the struggle and all that i was going through because all they could see is just my mistakes and not my pain but that's when i realized something that if i dont talk and share my stories i would always be in dark. i decided to share my story because i wanted others out there who's going through the same to talk their heart out and share their stories as well so they could bring awareness to others about the seriousness of mental health and depression and inspire others out there so that it could help them to come out from their depression as well. it is ok to cry, it is ok to be sad and all but never let it to consume you totally because running away from it is not gonna solve anything instead embrace it and always know problems are there to make us be stronger than we are now. through out the 5 days of being hospitalized and was under observation i came to realize that ending my life is not gonna help to get rid of my pain or the depression that i am facing but by sharing it so that i can inspire others out there to face their problems and let everyone know and realize that there is always a way out for everything. i hope my story somehow help other womans out there to speak up and share their stories as well and together bring awareness of the importance of mental health and overcome depression. and i am so blessed with such a loving and supporting family and they meant the whole world to me especially my parents and i am so blessed to have such a supporting, understanding and caring close friends who is my second family who always encourages and motivates me everytime when i feel down about myself and from this incident i started to love myself more and closer to allah with the helps from my family and friends which i will be forever grateful for it. this is my story and i am

A Short Story- Ice cream

The below story is fictional. The people in the story aren't real but it was very much inspired by my experience of life during my university years. If you can relate to any of this let me know.

I wake slowly from an uncomfortable, dehydrated sleep. Eyes slightly glued together with last night’s make up and yesterday’s contact lenses unremoved. Bladder full, I need to empty it. I try to lift my head but a sharp stab of fiery pain slices between my eyes and I crumple back onto my pillow, drained from the effort.

 I blink and my dry eyes attempt to focus. I see that I brought a glass of water to bed with me (thank God I remembered this time) and reach for it cautiously with a shaking hand. I lift myself up again, slowly this time so as not to disturb the dragon in my head again and gulp back as much as I can. My stomach churns in protest. I lie still, hoping I can go back to sleep but the dragon is awake again and the my head pounds. I need 2 paracetamol. I scan the bedside table but they aren’t there, my heart sinks and I curse my own poor planning. I haven’t made things easy for myself.

I sit up, ignoring the blinding pain in my head. My mouth tastes familiarly sour and metallic. It tastes like the pain in my head. I grab the empty glass and somehow manage to coordinate my limbs to move to the bathroom. I’m wearing a t-shirt and last night’s knickers. I don’t have the energy to put on some pants or shorts, I just hope none of my housemates boyfriends are around, they’d be horrified if they saw me like this.

Safe in the bathroom I slump onto the toilet seat. The dragon momentarily stops breathing fire across my brain as I relive myself. The reprieve doesn’t last long. I rummage around in the bathroom cabinet and find the paracetamol. There are 3 left. I take them all, glugged down with more lukewarm tap water. 2 will never be enough today.

As soon as I have swallowed them, a wave of panic jolts through me like an electric shock. A hazy memory of taking some painkillers at some point tries to surface but I can’t remember when I took them. Was it before I went to bed last night? If so has it been more than 4 hours since the last dose? Did I take more than the recommended dose then as well? Can you even take them with alcohol? I’m not sure but my dehydrated brain whizzes through the worst case scenarios. I could accidentally overdose. My phone has no battery and I don’t know where I left my charger so I won’t be able to call for help. At what point would I call for help anyway? How would I know if something is wrong when I feel so horrendous anyway? I could see if my housemates are in and ask them to call an ambulance just in case, but then I’d just be having another one of my episodes, another overreaction, more drama from Clare again. This is the type of thing that happens to me. It will become a story they tell on nights out, “Remember when Clare woke us up at 7am to call an ambulance because she thought she’s taken an overdose of paracetamol but she actually just had a hangover?” They will laugh. I’ll laugh too but a part of me will feel like a fool. A part of them will think, “For fuck sake Clare!”.

My heartrate slows slightly, I tell myself I’m fine. I tell myself I won’t die from taking 1 extra paracetamol. If I start feeling worse I will call my housemates. I breathe deeply trying to get a full breath. My skin crawls and my head pounds again. I skulk down to the kitchen to make toast. The thought of warm carbs sitting in my stomach and then going back to bed to wait for the painkillers to work immediately soothes me. My mouth waters in anticipation despite my still churning stomach. I make 2 slices and eat a 3rd slice of bread with margarine while I’m waiting. The bread is slightly stale and I don’t enjoy it but it distracts me from my headache and my worries about the paracetamol.

Back in bed, the tension in my head starts to thaw. The metallic taste in my mouth is still there and the nausea is worse despite the toast. I look at the clock by my bed, 6.54am. I’m wide awake. My mind starts to race back to last night. A blur. Pub- wine and shots, club- wine then vodka, party back at my house, more wine, more vodka. Little white pills and bags of white powder. Money spent- I have no idea but it must have been over 200, a lot on my student budget. Deeper into my overdraught. I need to not think about that.

 My head still throbs but it’s a duller now, the embers of the dragon’s fire instead of the blast itself. I try to piece things together. I’d felt uncomfortable at first. My size 10 dress felt too tight, my cheeks too chubby, eyes too small for my face. My calves and ankles packed into my tights and 6 inch heels gave the illusion of slimmer legs but my thighs rubbed together at the top reminding me I need to try harder, be smaller, suck everything in, don’t eat anything.

 My anxiety increases, I can’t relax. I remember walking into the pub trying to look confident. Strutting my stuff in those heels, flicking my long hair over my shoulder and searching the room for cute guys. Trying to make eye contact, nothing. They seemed to be looking but not at me. Not surprising as my friend Liani was in front of me. They all saw her first, smiled, tried to catch her eye. Took in her long legs and tiny waste. Her simple tunic dress hanging loosely over her slim breasts and hips somehow seemed to enhance the ease with which she carried herself. She didn’t need to suck anything in, worry about tummy roles or rubbing thighs. She ate crisps and drank beer without worrying about weight watchers points. When guys came over to sit with us she thought about which one was cuter while I hoped that one of them would think I was OK. They would never chose me first, I was always the consolation prize. I drank.

As the night had gone on my confidence grew. The booze does that, the coke allows me to carry on drinking for longer. For a while I was carefree, attractive, not skinny but not taking up too much space either. I was funny, confident, sexy. We went to the bathroom, another pill, another line. I looked in the mirror as I stood next to Liani. I was still shorter and wider but the gulf that separated our looks had closed a bit. I felt lighter inside and out. We danced. All night, me still trying to catch someone’s eye and Liani trying to fend them off. The rest is fuzzy. The club was sweaty and hot. Liani was kissing a gorgeous guy on the dancefloor, the guy I’d been talking to looked disappointed. “Damn I was hoping to get your friends number, she’s gorgeous, but I guess she prefers him,”. My face had burned but it was dark so he’d never have known. He’d never have realised I had thought he was going to ask for my number. I went to the bar and bought a round of drinks.

My face burns again with shame as I remember. My legs twitch. I breathe deeply again trying to get enough air into my lungs. My head swims. I can feel every inch of my stomach and thighs and try to imagine if they were smaller, how much easier would life be. I look at the clock again, 7.15. I want to eat again. I’m not hungry but I want something nice, something to distract me. I want to be able to sleep and a full tummy will help me but I can’t use up any more calories yet. Eventually I must have fallen asleep again but I don’t rest. Yes that is possible to sleep without resting at all. I seem to do it a lot. When I come round again the clock says it’s 10.19 but my body is rigid, my neck stiff. I’m still trying to get enough air into my lungs.

 I decide enough time has passed since the toast so I can allow myself to eat again. I have already had 385 calories from the toast and margarine. I don’t need to look at the back of the packets to know this. I’ve programmed myself to calculate calories automatically. People who don’t diet are amazed I can remember. I get dressed, brush my teeth and remove last night’s make up and contact lenses. I don’t shower. I don’t want to undress and have to see my body, feel the curves that are too big as I wash and see myself in the large bathroom mirror when I’m drying myself. My baggy tracksuit bottoms and hoody make me feel small by comparison.

 On the way down to the kitchen I call out to my housemates. No one answers, they must all be at lectures. I should have been to  two already today. I could make the third if I hurried up but then I’d have to have a shower, face my oversized body and try to find something to wear that looks reasonably OK on me. Easier said than done. Then I’d have to sit in my lecture while I try to breath normally and my stomach churns and I worry that people can hear it and I worry that I’m going to faint and that I might lose control of my body completely but I can’t leave because there’s no excuse to just walk out of the lecture and everyone will see me and know there’s something wrong with me because I can’t sit in class for an hour without having to dash for air. I wouldn’t take in much of the lecture anyway, I can never concentrate when I’m in this frame of mind, which is almost all the time.

 Just thinking about being trapped in a lecture theatre makes my head start to thud again, the dragon stirring, I need to eat.

  I make myself toasties with low fat cheese and ham. I use 4 slices of bread. 900 calories. After this I’ll only have 215 left for the rest of the day but that’s fine. I’ll sleep most of the day and then just have a cuppa-soup and another piece of toast in the evening. I east the toasties in front of the TV with a cup of milky sweet tea. I don’t count the calories in the milk and sugar. As I’m eating I feel calmer, my breathing slows. I stop worrying about missing my lectures and taking too many paracetamol and taking too many drugs and spending too much money and messing up my diet again and looking desperate and fat last night next to my slim and confident friend. I savour the delicious melted cheese and the crispy toasted bread and sip my tea and I focus on the smell, taste and textures and the feeling of swallowing the food and the warmth as it hits my stomach.

 As I get towards the end of the last toasty my anxiety starts to return. I don’t want this to be over. What will I do next? What if I can’t sleep straight away? I’m going to crave something sweet. My brain anticipates the craving before I even start craving it. I’ve been here so many times before.

 I return to the kitchen, I no longer feel small in my large hoody, I can feel the bread in my stomach and I think of the dress that was already too tight last night. I search my cupboard for something sweet. I don’t usually buy sweet treats because I can’t seem to stop at one. When I do buy them they rarely last longer than a day. The only sweet thing I have is a box of weightwatchers cereal bars. 88 calories. It says it on the box this time, not that my built in calorie counter didn’t already know. There are two left in the box. I take one back to the living room. I wanted to make another cup of tea to have with it but the thought of waiting for the kettle to boil before I can eat it feels impossible. I try to nibble the bar slowly but when I’m halfway down it I start to eat faster. I’ve already decided I’m going back for the other bar. It’s OK I reason with myself. I won’t need anything else all day after this and I can still have a cuppa-soup (55 cals) this evening and still be (almost) within my calories. It’s still not even 11am.

 Second bar demolished, I then decide I might as well eat the rest of my calories for the day (39) now and really enjoy them. The day stretches out in front of me with nothing to break it up. No meals, no snacks to punctuate the hangover and comedown. I might as well just enjoy this now that I’ve started. I just need one more mouthful of something sweet and then I’ll feel satisfied and be able to sleep for a bit. After a search of the kitchen (my housemates cupboards as well as mine), I find a tub of Ben and Jerrys in the freezer. It’s not mine, it must be my Sarah or Lucy’s. “Please be open already” I hope inwardly. Jackpot, it is open and about a 5th of the tub has been eaten. This means I can easily sneak a couple of spoonfuls and no-one will notice. I check the door and call out again. No reply, the coast is clear. I spoon a thin layer of ice cream out of the tub and into a bowl. There is more than my 39 calories there but not much more. If I end up only going over by 100 calories for the day then it’s still OK. I can easily make that up tomorrow by having less then, and besides I must have burnt a lot of calories dancing last night.

 I eat it in the kitchen standing over the sink so I can easily hide the evidence if anyone should come back. It’s delicious. The sweet, cold creaminess transports me to a world where there is nothing else but me and my taste buds. It’s heaven. I’m no longer just distracted from my worries, they are no longer significant. I know before I finish my serving I’m going back for more.

 I take the tub up to my bedroom. I’ll replace the whole tub later today. As soon as I’m feeling better I’ll run to the shop and buy a new one, I’m sure they’ll have that flavour. They did the other day I think. I don’t plan to eat the whole tub. I know I can’t put it back in the freezer when too much is gone because they’ll know I ate some (There won’t be any doubt as to who it was, I’ve done this before although I always replace things). I think I’ll just eat down to the halfway mark and then throw the rest in the bin. I’ll have gone well over my calories for today but I can make up for that tomorrow.

 At some point, I’m not sure exactly when, I lose any semblance of control I may have had. As soon as the rush of the first few mouthfuls wears off, each mouthful is accompanied by a bitter layer of guilt. I start to feel guilty about eating something that wasn’t mine, about missing my lectures, about being behind in nearly all of my classes, about ruining my diet, about doing drugs last night and shame about throwing myself at boys who prefer my friend. I try to put the tub down but the ice cream is making the guilt palatable, for all I hate myself for not stopping, to stop eating is worse.

 By the time I finish the tub, the guilt is joined by disgust. I feel physically sick and even more dehydrated. I count the calories. I’ve eaten 2261 before 11.30am. 1876 calories within the space of just over an hour.  I gulp back some water in an attempt to get rid of the sickly taste in my mouth. The ice cream that tasted like heaven before now tastes curdled and sour on my tongue. My teeth feel as though they are coated in a thick film of sugar. How could I do this? If I could just stop doing this I’d be thin like Liani and I’d be happy. Life must be so easy when you’re thin. What is so wrong with me? Why am I so greedy that I can’t stop eating even when I feel sick? If anyone could see me now they’d be disgusted too.

 Making a snap decision I run to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat as far as I can. Nothing happens. I try to purge myself of the ice cream for the next 20 minutes. My throat is sore from ramming my fingers down to my tonsils and retching but I’m unable to get my stomach to return any of its contents. My entire body feels hard and round and crammed full. At last I admit defeat and return to my bedroom, tears of frustration running down my face. I can’t even do this properly! I’m fiercely jealous in this moment of people with bulimia. At least they are thin and people have sympathy for them. I’m just fat and greedy and have no self-control. No one would have any sympathy for a disgusting fat pig like me. It’s no wonder boys don’t look at me when we go out, I don’t deserve their attention. I lie in my bed, too hot in my hoody but unwilling to take it off because I need to feel covered. I need to be separated from the disgusting sight of my own body. And as I try to understand what just happened,  after all this, still there is a little voice inside my head that tells me I could make all this go away, at least for a little while, if I eat something else. I know that while I’m actually eating I won’t be thinking and right now thinking is so painful I’ll do anything to stop.

 So my day progresses in this way, sleeping but not really resting, worrying, eating and hating myself for eating. At some point I must have dozed off because I hear my housemates downstairs in the kitchen. I pray they don’t decide to have ice cream or any of the other goodies I’ve stolen today. I pray I didn’t leave any evidence of my binge for them to find. At 7pm at night I’m exhausted, disgusted, guilt ridden and ashamed. My built in calorie counter, no longer as precise as earlier on in the day, has logged over 4000 calories. I finally find a phone charger and plug my phone in. When it’s turned on I have two missed calls and four messages. My heart leaps, maybe the guy from last night did take my number after all? But the missed calls are from the Uni, one message is a voicemail telling me to call the faculty office as soon as possible regarding my attendance. My chest tightens and my stomach turns upside down with dread and excess lactose but my brain and body are too exhausted to provide any other response. The messages are all from Liani telling me the guy she kissed last night called her this morning and took her out to the beach for the day. She sends a picture of the 2 of them eating ice cream together and laughing, her tiny shorts showing off tanned legs.

 I cry into my pillow until I fall into a deep sleep. As I’m drifting off I promise myself that tomorrow I’ll start again.

My Story So Far...

For those who don't want to scroll back through all of the posts. This is a long post so grab a cuppa, a chocolate bar and make yourself comfortable. When I was in my teens I discovered heavy metal music and fell in love! All it took was the first chord of Paranoid by Black Sabbath. My dad was into heavy metal when he was younger and he had the Black Sabbath Greatest Hits tape (yes, cassette tape!) and a Judas Priest tape by the stereo. My mum refused to let me listen to "that rubbish" which obviously made me want to listen to it more. My dad & kept ferrets and he has a radio/cassette player in the ferret shed. I took the Black Sabbath tape to the shed and dad let me listen to it. I quickly discovered Metallica, Machine Head, Limp Bizkit, Linking Park, Deftones etc. At 16/17 I was regularly going to Coventry's best metal club, the Dog & Trumpet. I moshed to the music like there was no tomorrow. 20 years later was the tomorrow I would painfully discover. I also worked in old people's homes, often lifting and holding residents at their dead weight due to lack of staff, equipment or both. I thought I knew better when I was warned about the repercussions of living such a lifestyle and working. I had my first bout of Sciatica when I was approx. 21. I was sat watching TV in the living room on a Sunday evening when my cousin, Becky, arrived with Aunty Teresa and suggested a trip to the Nugget for a pint or 6. I jumped up from the sofa and the pain was excruciating. I went to the pub and sank 6 pints of lager in 2 hours, the pain refused to budge. The next day I went to see my GP who prescribed 10 days of Prednisolone and told me it may or may not go away! At this point I thought Sciatica was the diagnosis, I didn't know it was a symptom. Luckily after a week it corrected itself 90% with the odd twing now-and-again. One night I was at The Campbell in Coventry and after having a fair few drinks was up with some mates dancing on the bar. I misplaced my foot, fell off the bar and landed flat on my back. Everyone panicked but I just lay there laughing my head off! Apart from looking like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and a slight bump to the head I was fine. The sciatic pain stopped altogether after that fall! Since then I always had a bad back on and off. Each time just becoming slightly worse. I took painkillers and ignored it. When I did see a GP they just told me to take painkillers and rest. At no point was I offered any kind of investigation into what was causing the back pain. Even when the GP acknowledged I'd been having problems for some years! Fast forward 20 years, now I'm 37. In February this year my back started to play up again. Out came the painkillers and I just carried on. My lower left leg and foot went completely numb. I ignored it, thought it's only sciatica, it'll sort itself out in a few days. Over the next few weeks I found it increasingly painful to walk. Colleagues were commenting on how much pain I looked like I was in. I laughed it off as I waddled around. One day my back was giving me hell. The walk to my car after work was so painful I ended up crying in my car before driving home. At this point, in April, I decided to see my GP. It was clear that this time it was not going to go away. My GP gave me painkillers and referred me for a MRI advising that Sciatica is a symptom of something happening to my sciatic nerve and a MRI will help find out what was going on. He signed me off work because I was in so much pain. I had no idea how long the MRI appointment was going to take. I knew it takes 4 weeks for the results from the MRI to come through and could take up to 8 weeks to get the scan. My brother was really worried about me so he booked and paid for an appointment for me on 20th of April at his Chiropractors. I went thinking they would look at my back and say "we can sort this in a couple of sessions". Instead he did an hours worth of tests. He was surprised and clearly irritated that none of the doctors I had seen previously had done the basic checks (reflexes etc). He told me that the only treatment he could offer before my MRI was laser treatment to help ease the nerves because my back was so bad and due to the neurological effects. Not only is my left leg and foot partially numb but my foot is weak due to the impact of whatever is going on in my back is having on my nerves. He advised me to lay down as much as possible on my right side with a pillow between my knees, to use a freeze pack on my back for 20 minutes of every hour I’m awake and strongly advised me to have the MRI ASAP also advising he could refer me for a private MRI for £250! I told him I needed to think about it. During the appointment I laughed, joked and swore a little when it hurt! When I got back into my car I cried. I was hoping for good news not to be told that it’s worse than I thought it was. I now need to decide if I can wait for the NHS MRI and results or to go ahead with a much quicker private MRI. On the 25th of April I chose the private MRI, my housemate who is also a best friend paid for it using money she had saved for a holiday we were going on with friends. I called the Chiropractors who advised I would get a call from the private clinic to arrange an appointment. The next day they called me and advised they had a cancellation for the 27th of April! I couldn't believe how quick it was. I jumped at the chance. I had my MRI at Heath Lodge Clinic. Di (my best friend/housemate) came with me for support. It was a beautiful building set in lovely gardens. The receptionist was really nice and helpful. The waiting room had bookshelves with hundreds of books, plenty of leather armchairs and a coffee/hot drink machine. There was also a coffee table with plenty of magazines to choose from. The receptionist had given me a heath & safety form to fill in and offered to collect it after seeing me hobbling around. I only had to wait about 5 minutes before being called through, during which I saw bunnies in the garden of the clinic. I love wildlife. The radiologist and assistant were really friendly. We all praised the comfort of wearing Sketchers as all three of us had a pair on. The MRI only took 10-15 minutes. I had to lay on my back and despite taking painkillers (2x500mg Paracetamol, 2x50mg Tramadol & 2mg Diazepam) it was agony. The pain in my back and left leg was horrific and it did make me cry. I managed to stay perfectly still though because I wanted to get it done. Both were surprised when I asked for a tissue afterwards. They both praised me on how still I stayed and told me off for not making them aware so I could have a break. I explained that I just wanted to get it out of the way. I returned to the waiting room while they prepared the CD of images. I had a lovely chocomilk but was struggling to get comfortable sitting or standing. After about 10 minutes the CD was ready, we paid and left. The receptionist advised my chiropractor should receive the report in 5 working days! I was so relieved to have gotten the MRI out of the way. I knew it was going to be painful and I also want to know what is going on in my back ASAP. At this point I was on 2xNaproxen 500mg 2xper day, 2xParacetemol 500mg 4xper day, 2xTramadol 50mg 4xper day & Diazepam 2mg 3xper day. I was still in a lot of pain. On the 29th of April I got the MRI appointment letter from University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire advising my NHS MRI was booked for 13th of May! 1) It took 5 weeks to get this letter! 2) I’d have had to wait another 2 weeks for the MRI! 3) I’d have had to wait a further 4 weeks for the results!!! All while I was in agony! I was so glad I had my MRI privately. Got apt 2 days after referral & only a weeks wait for results. On the 6th of May I had an appointment with the Chiropractor to discuss the results of the MRI. It was the news that I equally expected & dreaded. The L4/L5 disc bulge was significant enough for surgery to be the only option at that point. My Chiropractor advised of treatments but due to the severity he was reluctant to try them due to the risk of making it worse. I needed to take my copy of the report and MRI CD to my GP to get an urgent surgical referral. I was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions, glad to know what I was dealing with, upset with the severity and petrified of potential surgery. I took my report to my GP who sent an urgent referral to see a neurosurgeon. I called the booking centre to see how long it could be and they said I should be given an appointment within 8 weeks and that the appointment will be within 18 weeks. I could've cried. On the 11th of May I got so excited because I had a letter from the hospital asking me to book an appointment with the General Neurosurgical – Neurosciences Department with the option of 3 hospitals: University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire – 1.5 miles away, George Eliot Hospital – 8 miles away or Warwick Hospital – 12 miles away. I had the option to book online or by phone. I excitedly logged onto the website and entered the required info only to find out that none of the hospitals have any appointments available!!! I called the number on the letter and spoke to a lovely guy who advised none of the hospitals had released any blocks of appointments to be booked by this method! He was just as frustrated as me. He advised that he can send my details to the hospital of my choice and they will send me an appointment letter within 2 weeks.I opted for University Hospital Coventry & Warwickshire, not just because it is the closest but because I trust them more than the other 2 hospitals. So the waiting game restarted. On the 19th of May I got a letter from the hospital to advise I was on the waiting list for an appointment!!! I hoped the consultant that reviewed my referral would give me an appointment ASAP. More waiting... Whilst waiting a bought a walking stick to not only help me walk with less pain but to also stop me hobbling like I'd got something shoved up my bum! I also got to thinking about my bad back. How over the last few years (or more) my back has gone through “phases” of being bad and then would be better again. Each time it would be slightly worse, I would take painkillers and just get on with my life. Maybe each time my disc was bulging a bit more until eventually it caused my current issues. Even if I had tried to do something about it before I honestly don’t think my GP would’ve referred me for further investigation if I had tried to press them to. They would’ve continued to prescribe painkillers until it had settled again. Do we always have to wait for things get so bad before we get them sorted? The NHS is so stretched that GPs will only refer cases that are really bad. Also GPs are charged for the referrals which doesn’t help, especially if they are penny-pinchers or financially stretched themselves. I also suffer from chronic sinusitis and allergic rhinitis, which means I suffer from loads of sinus infections and am allergic to everything airborne. It wasn’t until I was having back-to-back infections, affecting the left side of my face mainly, that the GP sent me for a CT scan. He actually made me say that I was in constant pain before he would do anything! I was told the results of the first scan showed that there was just a bit of fluid build up in my maxillary sinuses and everything else was ok. I saw a different GP about 3 infections later who looked at my first CT scan and then quickly sent me for another CT scan. Clearly the first GP had missed the actual problem. The second scan showed that I had a deviated septum blocking my left sinuses! One operation (Septoplasty) later I still have infections just not as often or as fierce. If the docs had sent me for a CT scan after the first couple of infections it may have saved me from a lot of suffering. Maybe if I had pushed my GP to investigate my back or they had instigated an investigation sooner it could’ve been caught earlier, I wouldn’t be where I am now, in constant pain despite the painkillers. Struggling to sleep. Struggling to walk, sit and lay down. Getting pain so bad it makes me feel sick and makes me feel hot and sweaty. Looking at an operation to fix the problem because it has potentially gone passed the point of being treated by physiotherapy. It took my brother paying for an appointment at a Chiropractors and my friend paying for a private MRI scan for me to find out what is wrong before mid-June! By which time I could’ve caused more/permanent damage as I have a habit of battling through and getting on with whatever I’m doing. “What if’s” are the most annoying thoughts! What if I had spoken out? What if the GP had done their job better? What if the NHS wasn’t in crisis? What if I hadn’t been so stoic? What if I hadn’t handled my pain so well? What if I had complained more? At least I was on the road to getting some treatment, even though the traffic was/is slow. On the 9th of May I called the hospital booking line, more out of boredom and impatience than anything else. The very nice gentleman I spoke to shocked me by advising that an appointment has been assigned to me. It’s for 10:20am on 31st of August 2017! I asked if there was a cancellations list I could join. He advised that they do not have a cancellations list but gave me the Neurosurgeon’s secretary’s phone number. I tried to call her but she’d already left for the day so I left her a voicemail message asking for a cancellation spot. On the 10th of May the letter confirming my appointment arrived. It was then a case of waiting for a cancellation. On the 15th of May I managed to speak to the Neurosurgeon’s secretary, she was lovely. Very helpful. I asked about being on a cancellations list and she said she would contact me when the next cancellation came up. She also advised that she’d look out for cancellations for the other consultants too. On the 16th of May I went to see my GP about my pain meds as they were not working. She was very angry that the locum had only put me on 300mg of Gabapentin per day at a previous appointment. She was also unimpressed that I was taking Paracetamol as well, she said “you are way past Paracetamol, they are only sweets for you!” I advised that I no longer wanted the Diazepam as I didn’t feel it did anything for me. So she removed the Diazepam, Paracetamol and increased my Gabapentin to 900mg per day. I also had a call from the consultants secretary asking if I could make weekend appointments. I told her I could, to get cancellations you need to be a flexible as possible. Then she asked if I could attend an appointment on Sunday at 9:20am! I was genuinely shocked. I nearly bit her hand off!! I can indeed I told her. Then she confirmed I’d be seeing the consultant at 9:20am on Sunday 18th of June! You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. I was so happy I cried. My original appointment was for 31st of August 2017. I was excited, a little nervous and over all relieved as I wanted the pain to be sorted ASAP. On the 18th of May my housemate came with me to my appointment as although I was ok about it on the Friday & Saturday, on the morning of the appointment I was a little anxious. We arrived 10 minutes early, we’d barely sat down in the waiting room when I was called through. I had downloaded a dictaphone app for my phone to record the appointment as I have them memory of a goldfish! I’d like to blame the painkillers but I’ve always been an “airhead”. I asked the consultant if I could record the appointment and his response was “go ahead dear”. He was lovely, very to the point but with a gentle manner. I instantly felt like I could trust him. There just seems to be something about him. He had read the MRI report I’d emailed to his secretary. The key points he said during the appointment were: “Nobody can give you a new back, nobody can give you a new disc and nobody can give you a new nerve.” “We can trim the disc to take the pressure off the nerve. It’s a repair not a cure. It carries risks.” “If the pain is getting better then don’t have the surgery, if it isn’t getting better or if it’s getting worse then think about having the surgery. Both having or not having the surgery carries the same risk of paralysis due to the pressure on your spinal cord.” “If you are happy to proceed with surgery it will be a L4/L5 decompression surgery and trim the disc. Again it is a repair not cure. Your back will always be problematic. If the nerves are too damaged it will not relieve the pain.” I opted for the surgery. My back is getting worse, I need some relief and it makes sense to try to take the pressure off the nerves. There is a chance surgery will help to relieve the pain. Not having the surgery will leave me in agony. I am now on his list. I’m not sure how long it will be before my surgery. The sooner I get this done the better. My pre-op is booked for the 4th of July but this in no way indicates when my surgery will be. In the meantime I need to manage the pain with painkillers which is proving to be a struggle. On an emotional level, I am both relieved and upset. I knew how bad it was but hearing it from a consultant makes it “real”. I’m relieved because I know what I’m facing longterm so now I can get my head down and get on with it. I am extremely lucky to have three close friends who have had similar surgeries and am a member of several support groups on Facebook. Along with family & friends I have plenty of support. For that I will always be grateful. SaveSave SaveSave SaveSave SaveSave