#okay just one post in this blog because I began writing here and I’m too lazy to copy it onto the Barbie blog
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jealousy | rhea ripley
rhea ripley x fem!reader
summary: you and rhea aren’t anything official, but you’re still jealous upon seeing her flirt with others.
word count: 3,838
warnings: just slight sexual implications i think?
a/n: WOW um okay hi, i haven’t posted writing on this blog in YEARS but i recently got fully back into wrestling and have developed such a love for rhea ripley. so i decided to start writing again, but it’s been so long this definitely isn’t my best work. here’s to getting back into the swing of things i hope! (also i know samantha is engaged to ricochet and ofc all of it is just character work, but it made for a good plot soo)
Rhea was a flirt. That much was true long before you, and it was certainly not a secret to most. She had the charm, and of course the looks, so people were naturally drawn to her, and she loved that. Flirting, to her, was fun – harmless fun, for the most part – and typically it never went beyond cheeky comments or tantalizing gestures.
So when Rhea began flirting with you, initially you didn’t think much of it and really had no reason to. She was attractive – incredibly attractive – and her voice could melt you instantly if you let it; but this was just her thing. At first, you would catch her staring at you backstage or at other company events. Then, she started making it a point to tell you how beautiful you looked each time she saw you. From there, you were texting a lot more and hanging out outside of schedule. But still, it was never anything official and they were never labeled as “dates,” which you internally hated yourself for forgetting.
Because now, you were jealous. A fiery red jealousy that had you feeling betrayed without the entitlement to do so. For some reason, you thought things seemed different between you and Rhea. She seemed more serious and attentive, even remembering small details you’d told her about things you enjoyed. You couldn’t imagine she did that for just anyone she happened to flirt with.
Yet there you were last night, scrolling through Twitter and seeing endless posts about Rhea and Samantha. Rhea was being her usual flirty self, smiling, blowing kisses, and surely winking beneath those glasses, and it was obvious Samantha was enjoying it. Even worse, there were also comment threads with Cathy, and you knew it was all lighthearted, but it still made you feel some type of way.
You liked Rhea. A lot actually. Maybe that’s why you wanted to believe she liked you too and treated you differently from the rest. Clearly, you were wrong. And you weren’t going to be strung along in a game or play along with silly flirting when you genuinely hoped for more with her. That’s why now that she was here in front of you, you were going to be as indifferent as possible.
“Hey pretty girl,” Rhea greeted, smile beaming as always. She had finally found you backstage after you’d made it a point to not respond to some of her texts. It didn’t seem like she was too upset or phased by that judging by the greeting she’d given you.
“Hey,” you responded with only a half-smile of your own. That was something she definitely picked up on, because you swore you’d never seen her face fall faster.
“Are you alright?”
“Hm?” you hummed, dropping your attention back to your phone. Usually, she would have your full focus, but you were making every attempt to emphasize your feigned disinterest. “I’m fine, what’s up?”
Rhea used her thumb and forefinger to grip your chin and tilt it upwards, forcing your gaze towards her rather than your phone screen. Hastily, she studied your face as if she would be able to read your thoughts merely by doing so; with her eyes looking you over so intently, you felt your face heating up quickly.
“You seem off,” she finally commented, her finger tracing along your jawline from your chin before finally dropping back down to her side. You immediately missed the feeling of her touch against your skin, but that was something you would have to subdue. One thing you noticed was that Rhea seemed genuinely concerned, her eyebrows downturned and the smile she always wore - around you at least - nowhere in sight.
“No, Rhea, I’m really okay,” you shrugged.
“Then why are you acting like you can’t wait to get away from me?”
Her bluntness shouldn’t have come as a shock to you, but you were still taken aback when she asked so outright. While she usually oozed confidence, that seemed to be lost now. And it almost made you think you had been right about the two of you all along. But then you remembered how content she looked in those videos with Samantha, and how easily she could flirt with someone else when you had secretly been turning down advances in hopes there would be a real chance at a relationship between you and Rhea.
“I’m not acting like that. I really don’t care if you’re around or not,” you lied, and it was meant to sound nonchalant and unbothered but you silently cursed yourself for making it come out more aggressively.
“You don’t care?” she repeated incredulously, almost in disbelief of how drastically you changed. Just a few days ago, you were telling her how much you adored her smile with her head in your lap. Now, she couldn’t figure out why you wanted nothing to do with her - and it was crushing her.
“Listen, can we please talk about this later? The show’s about to start and the Judgment Day is up first, I don’t want you thinking about this out there.”
“Are we really gonna talk later?” Rhea questioned. “Or is that your cop out to avoid it altogether?”
And you hated her for knowing you so well, because it was partially your dread of the conversation. Still, you didn’t think it was a good idea to have it right before she was slated to go speak in front of thousands of people. At this point, she was frowning, yet still staring right through you.
“We’ll talk,” you promised.
“I have your word? Whatever’s going on is important to me. It really is, Y/N.”
The resolve of indifference you had was all but faded upon hearing how sincerely Rhea cared. You didn’t want to be just another game for her, but it was proving far too difficult for you to ignore your internal feelings. And she looked too pretty standing there, worried about you and looking at you in a way that made you feel naked beneath her eyes. Not in a sexually demanding way - not in the way too many people do - but in a way where you felt like she saw your very soul.
“Find me after the show?” you asked. “I’ll let you take me back to the hotel. Can’t exactly hide from my ride.”
You finally smiled wholeheartedly after making that joke, and Rhea had never been so happy to see a smile before. For a moment, she felt like everything was fine.
“Yeah, I’ll find you, angel.”
-
From backstage, you watched as Rhea walked out with the Judgment Day and cut a promo just as good as any other, if not better. It was impossible to tell the kind of conversation you two had shortly beforehand, and for that you were grateful. You weren’t sure you could remain as unphased as her, and seeing as you had a match tonight as well, you made it a point to avoid any further interactions with her during show hours. Busying yourself with your phone, Rhea still found a way to affect you when you saw her name flash across the top of your screen, indicating a text.
From: rhea :)
Good luck tonight ❤️
Half inclined to simply leave her on delivered, you hesitantly opened it and sent back a “thanks.” Following the Judgment Day’s segment, the rest of the show seemed to go by quickly, your own match fast approaching. While you were waiting in gorilla to make your entrance, you saw flashes of jet black hair out of the corner of your eye. A subtle glance over revealed it to be Rhea, naturally, standing there talking with Damian. Call it coincidence, or - the more likely case - call it Rhea’s tendency to be methodical with her actions. And like clockwork, her eyes met your own, leaving you no time to look away before she was grinning at you slyly. You thought perhaps her getting into character in front of the WWE Universe took away much of the previous unease and disappointment she felt during your earlier conversation. Because before, she seemed well and truly worried about the state of you, and you were sure she still was to some extent, but now her confidence had returned.
You had hardly any time to process it before you had to walk out, your theme hitting just as Rhea set her focus back on the man in front of her. That stupid, beautiful smile you thought to yourself. Right now, though, you needed to worry about your match against Zoey Stark, especially since you knew Rhea would be watching attentively.
Once the match began, you fell right back into your element. Zoey was a fierce opponent, but you had a fire beneath you and after a well-fought match on both sides, you came out victorious. You were feeling extremely proud of both yours and Zoey’s performance and partially hoped Rhea had watched the whole thing.
(She absolutely did).
Returning backstage, you noticed Rhea was now nowhere in sight. Your match was towards the last hour of Raw, however, which meant you wouldn’t have much time to kill before you’d have to meet up with her anyways. Thankfully, you found Liv, one of your closest friends on the roster, and knew you could spend the remaining time talking with her about anything and everything - the primary topic of discussion being you and Rhea.
“It’s just like, I think things are different with me and her,” you began, to which Liv nodded in agreement. “But then I see how she acts with other people, and I’m not so sure. Am I being delusional for thinking that way?”
“You’d be delusional if you thought otherwise! The girl is a flirt, sure, but she practically fawns over you at any given moment and is always asking about you,” Liv countered. All too often, she’d be the one Rhea would come to when she wanted to find out your whereabouts, as if Liv had a constant read on you at all times. You knew that to be true, but it still wasn’t total reassurance.
“You’re right, I guess. And I kinda told her I’d ride with her to the hotel so we could talk, sooo,” you revealed.
“I thought we were riding together?” Liv questioned, only slightly upset to be losing her driving buddy. If she had to make that sacrifice to advance things between you and Rhea, she’d accept it wholeheartedly. Just as you opened your mouth to apologize, someone else’s voice interrupted. A certain Australian accent.
“I’m sorry, did I steal Y/N away for the night?” Rhea quipped, placing her hand on the small of your back where Liv wouldn’t see.
“Actually, I’m willingly handing her over so that you two can figure your mess out.”
“Well, thank you so very much for that,” Rhea smiled, seeming genuinely appreciative. She redirected her attention from Liv to you. “Told you I’d find ya. You ready to go?”
You glanced down at your phone, not even realizing how much time had passed with you and Liv chatting. The show was nearing the end, and Rhea already had her bag by her side, meanwhile you hadn’t even gotten your stuff together yet.
“I gotta go get my stuff real quick. You wanna wait here for me? I’ll be quick.”
“I can wait,” Rhea nodded, to which you took off with a promise to be no more than ten minutes. Once you were out of earshot, Liv had a few comments for the taller, raven-haired woman.
“I hope you do right by her.”
“Didn’t realize I’d done wrong,” Rhea retorted, confusedly. “...Have I done wrong?”
Liv only shrugged, though she really did believe Rhea was unaware of how she’d unintentionally hurt you. “Nothing that can’t be fixed, I think.”
“Liv,” Rhea started, her face becoming more serious. “I really like her.”
“Then make sure she knows that.”
-
When you gathered everything and found your way back to Rhea, Liv was long gone and Rhea was leaned against the wall, her eyes shifted down and transfixed on her phone as she absentmindedly scrolled through Twitter. She looked too good even just standing there in her own world. But before you could admire her for much longer, she heard you approaching and glanced up from her phone, shoving it into her pocket immediately upon realizing it was you.
“Ready now, princess?”
The nickname rolled off her tongue so easily, yet it had your cheeks heating up within seconds. You nodded, following behind as she led the way to her car. Outside, she popped the trunk for each of you to toss your bags inside, and then she made sure to open the passenger door for you as well; it was the little gestures like that that made your heart flutter and your feelings for her to grow even stronger.
“Well, I just wanna start by saying you were amazing tonight,” Rhea complimented once she had settled into the driver’s seat.
“Thank you,” you giggled. “You watched it?”
“From start to finish, like always.”
She diverted her attention from the road towards you for a moment, taking notice of how much your face lit up after hearing that. And it wasn’t like she was lying just to make you feel good, either, because she did genuinely watch you each time you stepped into the ring, and she admired you heavily.
“I don’t believe you,” you laughed, although you only slightly meant that.
“I’m serious! Ask Damian or Dom, they’ll vouch,” Rhea exclaimed, pushing her hair back as she did. You weren’t quite sure what to say now, because one, you were feeling quite flustered knowing this, and two, you could only ignore the real reason you were sat in her car for so long. She took note of your silence and decided to tackle the subject head-on, a brazen move from her as always. “You don’t seem like you hate my guts now, at least.”
You rolled your eyes and chuckled at this.
“You’re being dramatic. I never acted like I hated you.”
“Slightly detested my presence?” she tried again, clearly joking at this point. While things seemed so perfect in this moment, you couldn’t help but think back to everything you’d seen flooding your Twitter timeline and how silly you’d felt for being so upset by it. As much as you liked Rhea, as much as it appeared she liked you, the harmless flirting had really gotten to you and forced you to reconsider much of what you thought. You weren’t even quite sure how to ask everything you wanted to ask, and you were admittedly fearful of rejection. But the only thing worse than rejection is never knowing.
“What do you think about me, Rhea?”
She was taken aback by this, you could tell, because she opened her mouth to speak several times but didn’t let any words out. To her, it was because she didn’t really know how to put it into words; there were so many things she thought about you, so many ways you made her feel, but it had been a confusing thing for her to navigate, unsure of your own feelings.
“I think you’re incredible, amazing in the ring, beautiful and kind but still assertive and badass,” she answered, hoping she’d said all the right things. Truthfully, that was only a small fraction of what she thought regarding you, but she was still holding back. Liv’s words repeated in her head, and she knew if she didn’t make it clear tonight, she may never get that chance again.
“And what do you think about someone like Samantha, or Cathy?”
You had caught her off guard again, the randomness of your question completely perplexing her. She hadn’t a clue why either of those two would be relevant, because - in her eyes - she had already basically forgotten the silly interactions they’d had. It still hadn’t pieced together in her mind that you were even the slightest bit jealous.
“They’re great,” she stated plainly. “Why?”
It was really now or never, you felt like. You had fed her pieces of the story, now she definitely wouldn’t stop until you told her everything, which undoubtedly included your own feelings. Rhea was focused primarily on the road, but she made sure to spare glances your way every so often, and each time you arrived at a red light, that focus was solely on you. She wanted to both try to read your expression and show you she was really, truly listening and wanting to hear what you had to say.
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous,” you confessed.
“Jealous?” she repeated, even more confused now than before. But she noticed the way you retreated into yourself, suddenly finding more interest in your fingers. You could no longer look her in the eye, feeling nervous about the information you’d now divulged. This certainly didn’t deter Rhea, though, as she placed her right hand on your thigh and traced light circles with her thumb. “Why were you jealous?”
“I don’t know…it was dumb, I guess. I just saw the videos of you and Samantha, and then Cathy’s Tweets, and it made me feel like everything is just a game to you.”
Her thumb movement stopped, and instead she squeezed your thigh lightly, causing you to lift your head back up to look at her. She was already looking right back, admiring how beautiful you looked with the moonlight creeping into the car and a shyness about you she wasn’t used to.
“You’re right, that is dumb,” she affirmed. “Because do you think I know Samantha or Cathy’s top three favorite movies? Or their specific Starbucks order? The way they like their pizza? Do you think I’ve memorized all those things for anyone other than you?”
Before you could answer, Rhea moved her fingers to your wrist and asked you to push up your sleeve, which you did. She tapped directly on a birthmark of yours without even looking.
“Do you think I know each of their freckles and birthmarks?”
You were dumbfounded, at a loss for words with how much she really noticed about you. And that was only scratching the surface. While your flirtation had only started within the last few months, she had known you for years and had plenty of time to take notice of all these little things no one else would. Because she always had a soft spot for you, but you were in a long-term relationship for most of the time you’d known her, and she would never be one to overstep any boundaries.
“I just felt hurt thinking I may be falling for someone who only sees me as another person to mess around with,” you told her, taking note of how gentle her eyes were in this moment. She felt awful that she had hurt you, even unintentionally, and cursed herself for not being more aware and mindful. You weren’t committed to each other, but she still felt like she had made a mistake engaging in any kind of behavior that would make her feelings for you seem misguided.
“Y/N, I promise you how I interact with just about anyone else is entirely me in character,” she comforted. “I’m sorry for making you second guess that, but I’ve never felt realer emotions than I do with you. It’s like I can be me, just me. And I love that you make me feel that way.”
“I love when you’re just you, Rhea.”
“Then I’ll keep being just me, if I can start calling you just mine.”
Rhea was undoubtedly nervous asking you so boldly, but she was so damn happy to do so. She was staring at you hopefully, looking happier than you’d seen her since her WrestleMania win. And you were just as happy, not even realizing you had gotten to the hotel and had been parked for a minute or two now. Your entire focus was on her, eyes filled with adoration while she waited for your answer.
“I’ve basically been yours, I just needed you to be mine,” you beamed.
“I’m yours, love,” Rhea affirmed. “You are so damn beautiful.”
You wanted to instinctively look away, still feeling flustered even after the months of flirting and now technically being in a defined relationship. But Rhea knew you too well and gripped your chin before you could do so, keeping your face towards hers. Neither of you could get rid of the smiles you wore, too overwhelmed with happiness and adoration and love.
“Can I kiss you?” Rhea asked, eyes darting from your own to your lips. You nodded, and that was all it took for her to be all over you. Her lips melted into your own, and everything felt so right. Each time you pulled away, you were reconnected within seconds, physically unable to keep apart, both of you awaiting this moment for too long. You felt her smiling into the kiss, which in turn made you smile, and then you were two smiling, giggly messes. Finally, she pulled away for good (but not without one final peck) and laughed when she saw you pouting. She opened her door and made her way to yours hastily, scooping you out of your seat before you could even react. Then, you were pinned against the car with your legs around her waist.
“I’ll take you to your room?” she offered, placing feathery kisses along your jaw.
“My room?”
She laughed at how offended you sounded. “Our room?”
“Mhmm,” you confirmed. “You’re not getting away from me now, Ripley.”
You unhooked your legs from her waist and she carefully released her hold, allowing you to plant your feet back onto the solid ground. She followed you to the back of the car, popping open the trunk; you leaned forward to reach your bag, and Rhea - sly as ever - took this opportunity to smack your ass, only light enough to be a tease. Once you’d grabbed your bag and stood straight up, she was smirking, all too aware of her actions.
“Now why would I want to get away from you, baby?”
From then on, you both knew you’d be stuck with each other, practically inseparable and surely obnoxiously in love around all your friends - which they didn’t really mind, because seeing you so happy together was more than worth it. Rhea made sure to tone down her persona a bit out of respect for you, even though you reassured her you didn’t mind too much now knowing she was yours at the end of the day. Still, you couldn’t deny that you were more elated to scroll through your socials and see videos of interactions between you and Rhea rather than her and anyone else; and it definitely helped that she loved letting the cameras know you were hers.
#rhea ripley x reader#rhea ripley x you#wwe imagine#wrestling imagine#Wrestling Fanfic#WWE Fanfic#wwe fanfiction#wwe fic#wwe fluff#rhea ripley imagine
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ink baby | eddie munson x reader
word count : 708
author’s note : yes this is the same exact fic from earlier but i couldn't stop thinking about it all day and i really wanted to share it as an eddie fic as well because i honestly started to picture him in this about halfway thru writing and it just works, in my opinion. and i couldn't leave teddie bear hanging sooo here’s my first ( sorta ? ) eddie fic :3 but this can also be read as a vinnie hacker fic in another post on my blog
࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ
as hard as you tried to hide the jitterbugs that were crawling through your mind, they were quick to spread throughout your entire body, causing your legs to bounce uncontrollably and your fingers to tap dance across your thighs. a dead give away you were in fact nervous. and eddie, knowing you like the back of his own hand, immediately picked up on your anxiety.
moving his right hand from the steering wheel, he placed it on top of yours, intertwining your fingers and giving them a gentle squeeze as to say i’m here and i love you.
“it’s gonna be okay, baby. there’s nothing to worry about. i’m gonna be right there with you.” he cooed, his voice instantly calming some of your nerves. “and we could always cancel if you’re not ready.”
while eddie had been a veteran to the process, and pain, of getting a tattoo, you were a total newbie. your skin like a blank canvas waiting to be inked by the needle you were only slightly terrified of.
“no, no, i’m ready. i want to do this. i dunno why i’m so nervous. i guess i’m scared it’s going to hurt a lot,” you rambled.
“it’s okay to be nervous,” eddie reassured. “i was too when i got my first tattoo. and look at me now,” he smiled, which caused you to let out a giggle.
“i’m happy you want to do this with me; that you feel comfortable enough to get your first tattoo with me.”
“of course i do, teddy. you always make me feel so safe n comfortable. there’s no one else i’d rather do this with.” you reached over the center console to press a chaste kiss to eddie’s cheek, prompting it to immediately flush a bright red.
. . .
for the remainder of the car ride, you sat in a comfortable silence; until finally, eds pulled into the first open spot in front of the small shop.
walking hand and hand into the building, you no longer felt the nerves that took over your body during the car ride over — you were ready to do this.
eddie still went first to show you how the process went, and before you knew it, he was up and done — checking out the finished product through the mirror, leaving the chair empty and waiting for you.
“you ready, baby?”
you nodded with a small smile, “as i’ll ever be.” moving slowly into the daunting chair, you showed the artist exactly where you wanted the tattoo to go.
they quietly counted down before beginning your tattoo, as to give you a short warning.
three,
two,
one.
you let a short gasp as the needle first touched your skin — instinctively reaching for eddie’s arm to hold him close to you.
“look at me, baby.” he pressed two fingers to your chin, turning you to face him. “keep your eyes on me, sweetheart. breathe for me.”
your eyes stayed on eddie as he used his thumb to stroke your cheek and whispered sweet praises in your ear.
“you’re doing so good, baby. you’re almost there, almost done.” ed cooed lovingly, causing you to now blush.
you continued to hold his hand as you began to play with the rings that adorned his fingers, a nervous habit of yours that eddie didn’t at all mind if it meant keeping your anxiety at ease.
a few more minutes lost in each other’s eyes, and the needle finally stopped —knocking you back into reality. “you’re all done. did good for your first time.” the tattoo artist remarked, giving you a soft smile.
"you did so good, baby! i’m so proud of you,” eddie smiled brightly, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before turning to the artist who was now cleaning up the station and preparing for their next client. “it looks great, man. thanks for doing this.”
eyeing the beautiful design that was now permanently inked on your skin forever, you grinned from ear to ear. “i love it so much!" you marveled, thanking the artist as well.
after paying and bidding farewell to the shop owner, eds turned back to you, “how ‘bout we go get some ice cream, hm? what do you think, princess?”
#teddie bear <3#eddie munson#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson blurb#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson stranger things#eddie stranger things#stranger things fanfiction
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the anomalous agate, commentary
hello! I said I could talk about the anomalous agate forever, so here is me, talking about it. this is a post covering just like, overall notes I had when writing… maybe I’ll post about specific scenes or chapters sometimes, but I was really compelled to at least talk about overall things because unlike individual chapters, I think it’s something that’s less likely to be picked apart? so, all of that’s under the cut.
okay, first up! the biggest challenge in writing this fic was essentially, how do I make this fic feel like it’s a case from The Case Files of Jeweler Richard?
Based on the first two volumes alone, there’s a couple of things I think the series really exemplifies. First, it can examine things that are fairly mundane, and place value and importance on even small details. Second, Richard has a wide variety of knowledge, and I always read The Case Files of Jeweler Richard and come away with a new sense of the world. There’s something I, or Seigi, hadn’t really considered before, that I’m now considering. Finally, Seigi’s got all of his quirks—I didn’t try to match his exact style of narration, but I aimed to blend my own style and his in terms of vibe, and did my best to, at the very least, express his feelings accurately. So whether the wording of how he says things are exactly how he’d express it, the base emotions are correct.
To address the second point, this means that I have to talk about a wide variety of things! A lot of what the anomalous agate references is stuff I already knew of—champagne’s brand protection, Johannes Vermeer and ultramarine, The Little Prince, the commonality of dyed agate… but there’s some stuff I knew absolutely nothing about, the biggest of them being makeup and coffee. For coffee, I ended up watching quite a few bits of stuff from James Hoffman’s YouTube channel, and for makeup I watched a couple of video tutorials and read quite a few blog posts. Then I referenced Wikipedia to doublecheck any information I thought I knew. For the gems, I trawled quite a few websites, the main ones being the websites of GIA, International Gem Society, and American Gem Society. And I tried to avoid as many crystal healing websites as I could. Any inaccuracies present are my own fault.
As for why I picked coffee, a drink I don’t particularly like (though I’m a huge fan of coffee ice cream), and a subject that isn’t of necessary relevance to the rest of the story, unlike makeup, it was because I’d had a really good tiramisu crepe cake a few months ago, and thought it was such a neat form of tiramisu. It ended up being a nice choice, considering that Hanzawa and Seigi met up at a café twice!
And speaking of references! As a fun challenge, I made sure to add a reference to every single case mentioned in the first two volumes. It helped ground the fact that this was, indeed, part of The Case Files of Jeweler Richard for me, and I felt like it ended up strengthening some bits, too, but I mostly did it just because I wanted to see if I could. Some cases are mentioned multiple times, but I’ll list what I think is the first instance for every case below:
case 1-1: Coffee at a café was meant to be pleasant; I had no desire to remind myself of what it felt like to work night shift after night shift as a security guard. [ch 1]
case 1-2: “When you put it that way… there’s definitely times I don’t want to say everything about myself,” I conceded, remembering how I’d felt when confronted by Mami-san’s deep, uncomfortable sense of shame. [ch 2]
case 1-3: Come to think of it, he’d called himself thoughtless for selling that amethyst to Takatsuki-san, who’d been moved by the powers it was said to possess. [ch 3]
case 1-4: “Department stores existed before you began working here, but only once you took an interest in diamonds did you notice the kinds of jewels they sold.” [ch 1]
bonus (to wish upon a rose quartz): Remembering it now, it was hard to explain why I hadn’t had one in such a long time, but I hadn’t developed the habit of searching out cafés, bakeries, and sweet shops until I started working at Jewelry Étranger, either. [ch 1]
bonus (cleopatra’s pearls): Since he’d just mentioned her, my mind flashed to Cleopatra—she was certainly an image that was out of sorts with Hanzawa. [ch 3]
bonus (daily life at étranger ~ professor kunz and morgan): I hadn’t heard of moganite until now—unless I was mishearing morganite, but Richard had such wonderful pronunciation I thought that was impossible. [ch 1]
case 2-1: “Well, Hajime-kun was much younger, but his circumstances were different…” [ch 1]
case 2-2: Just like Yamamoto-san trying to buy herself a garnet. [ch 1]
case 2-3: It was obvious in the way I’d found out about Tanimoto-san’s love for rocks and minerals, as well as her friend Shinkai-san’s dance company, or, in a more negative light, Hase-san visiting at the exact time I happened to be in the back of the shop, but when I told Richard this, he simply brushed it off. [ch 1]
(technically the above is the first instance for case 2-4, too, but I’ll point out another instance)
case 2-4: Though I doubted this surprise encounter would go as badly as the last one had, the sharp sense of déjà vu kept me wary. [ch 2]
bonus (the serendipity of euclase): I’d only recently put my foot in my mouth by comparing us to a married couple, so I refrained from trying to make comparisons. [ch 5 / epilogue]
second! I wanted to talk a bit about some of the themes in the anomalous agate… this will probably be a bit more unstructured, but it contains some stuff I wanted to express, so I’ll to my best.
The title of this fic is the anomalous agate, and it is the stone that Hanzawa Masato ends up purchasing, but it’s not entirely what this fic is about, right? Lapis lazuli occupies a pretty big part of the chapter, and it’s an important part, too. So… why? Why have two stones, why have a title that doesn’t reflect the stone that Richard talks about, etc.?
The answer for this comes in the form of how I approached this story and how I feel about Hanzawa Masato—fundamentally, he’s a kind of tricky guy. He’s an inherently mysterious type of person, with a lot of layers and facets to him. And while I’m in love with these universes crossing over, I felt like it would be disrespectful to throw Hanzawa into the universe of The Case Files of Jeweler Richard and have him be laid completely bare. So, from the beginning, I wanted to work under the limitations that whatever change Hanzawa went through, and whatever we learned, it wouldn’t be something dramatic. And because Hanzawa’s so many things, I had another idea: as much as I could, when I introduced an idea into a fic, I’d try to make it two, instead of one. It’s an easy way to create a Hanzawa that feels properly multilayered, because making everything two things means he can’t be simple, and Hanzawa Masato is never simple. It's also an easy way to have Seigi misunderstand him in a way that shows that Hanzawa’s kind of a tough nut to crack.
...So, maybe you’re beginning to see why there’s two gems. The first chapter actually begins with a talk about authenticity, and it’s only in chapter two that Hanzawa brings up the concept of being anomalous. Both authenticity and being anomalous are topics that influence the kinds of things Hanzawa thinks about, and so do lapis lazuli and blue lace agate. Seigi realizes Hanzawa’s “something like a birthday gift” is a gift for himself, but he never once learns that Hanzawa’s birthday is in April, so it’s not for a special event at all that he’s buying this. Though I hadn’t intended it, considering that the guidebook says Hanzawa’s only got a younger sister, Seigi realizes that his older sister may not have been who taught him how to use makeup, but he doesn’t realize that Hanzawa might not even have an older sister. (This one was truly unintentional… I guess Hanzawa gets one over me, here!) Cafés are soothing, but coffee can stimulate one into sleeplessness. Seigi parallels Tashiro, and Hanzawa parallels Richard, but at the end, Seigi feels that it’s he and Hanzawa who are the similar ones. Seigi discusses the merits of concealment versus enhancement, and Hanzawa says that they’re the same thing, for him. Two things and one thing, again. Fox or prince, both are tamed. Two and one.
Essentially, I forced myself to make sure that any idea I introduced had a certain level or complexity and/or depth. I couldn’t just make a statement and then move on from it without exploring or developing it. Uniqueness, for example, is a term that gets used in quite a few ways in this story. I don’t think any of this really comes across as being intentionally a sort of “doubling,” but I think having this in mind while I wrote really forced me to be thoughtful about what I was writing.
third! I thought I’d talk in a few more specifics about when exactly this fic is set.
This happens mainly in the October of Seigi’s second year of college, which, now that I’ve read Volume 3, seems placed pretty perfectly? In case 3-1, he mentions Jewelry Étranger opened in April, and he’d been working there for six months, placing the first case around October as well… my fic ends when it’s November, but I’m still pleased by how close the time is. The reason it’s set here, of course, is because that’s when the cultural festival will be happening in Miyano’s third year. I’ve talked at length about what I see Hanzawa and Tashiro being up to around this time, particularly surrounding Tashiro crossdressing for the cultural festival, and the exploration of their relationship along with their own personal issues, and this was the perfect backdrop to set against this case. This is because I wanted Hanzawa’s changing to not be solely motivated by Seigi, so I needed sufficient events to be happening in the background that would prompt him to actually make that purchase of blue lace agate. And that’s why there’s a three-week gap between Seigi and Hanzawa meeting in that café and when he actually purchases that blue lace agate. The exact details of what happens there are vague, but the bonus scene I wrote shows at least some of it.
I’d planned to have Tashiro barely cameo in the background at first, but while I was outlining, I realized that Hanzawa was the kind of stubborn guy who needed a lot of prompting, and that Seigi wouldn’t understand half of what was going on if he’d never met Tashiro. Thus, Tashiro made an appearance, to which I’m very glad for! I think he acted as a really disarming presence for Hanzawa, and allowed Seigi, and thus, the audience, to see a lot of Hanzawa that we hadn’t been privy to before.
Here's the timeline of main events in the anomalous agate:
October 6th, 2018 — SATURDAY: Hanzawa Masato visits Jewelry Etranger for the first time.
October 8th, 2018 — MONDAY: Nakata Seigi and Tanimoto Shouko have mandatory English class.
October 11th, 2018 — THURSDAY: Nakata Seigi and Hanzawa Masato meet for the second time.
October 12th, 2018 — FRIDAY: Kaede and Nakata Seigi wave to each other on campus.
October 12th, 2018 — LATE FRIDAY: Kaede informs both Nakata Seigi and Hanzawa Masato that the senior harassing her has been expelled from the university.
October 14th, 2018 — SUNDAY: Hanzawa Masato visits Jewelry Etranger for the second time.
October 20th, 2018 — SATURDAY: Hanzawa Masato, Tashiro Gonzaburou, and Nakata Seigi run into each other at a cafe.
November 3rd, 2018 — SATURDAY: Tashiro Gonzaburou’s last cultural festival occurs.
November 10th, 2018 — SATURDAY: Hanzawa Masato visits Jewelry Etranger for the third time.
finally! some random notes I didn’t know how to categorize:
If you’re wondering who Kaede is, during the volume 5 extras, Hirano mentions this girl named Kaede that Hanzawa hangs out with often, and then asks if they’re dating. They’re not—but in ch 27, we spot him at the movies with a friend of his who’s a girl, and I’d decided that this is the Kaede Hirano mentions. That’s why she’s into movies—because that’s the only thing I could think of that’s even somewhat related to her appearance. The rest is kind of invented whole cloth… it ended up being helpful to get a kind of outside perspective on Hanzawa, so I was happy with how it turned out, and I hope it didn’t feel like she was just a boring plot device.
Also, when Hanzawa reminds Seigi that they’ve got each other’s numbers at the end, to me it’s the sort of thing like where in the early MCU movies, they’d end with getting contacted about the Avengers Initiative, or whatever… I haven’t watched them properly. But it’s a sign that like oh, stuff is going to cross over! So, for me, that’s a way of telling myself that if I ever feel like it, when I’m writing Hanzawa, he can call up Seigi, and I’ll have +20k of justification for that choice. Also, even though I said I didn’t want Seigi to be like most important life-changing person in Hanzawa’s life, I still did want them to have some of an effect on each other. And this is kind of proof of that.
edit: FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION TEMPERATURE. hanzawa's associated with the cold and tashiro's associated with warmth. thats whys seigis always shivering or feeling gusts of wind when hanzawa shows up. and why he meets tashiro on a super warm day. richard gets some description mentions aligned with cold, specifically when he's asking seigi about his bruise, and that kind of mirrors hanzawa making tashiro sit still while he pulls out the eyelash curler. only there his hands are warm because like. hanzashiro's weird.
and for anyone who read the whole thing: some images for you! first, here's a sketch page that I messed around with while writing, so I could get some visual feelings:
and here's a screenshot of what editing / writing for ch 4 looked like when I discovered the magic of track changes:
#kiri.txt#commentary#the anomalous agate#in this essay i will#dunno if this'll be interesting to anyone...?
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Oh my god I literally cannot convey to you that stumbling on this blog felt like seeing the sunlight again after being trapped underground for months. I thought I was crazy for finding fault with genloss because I have not seen any actual valid criticism anywhere and I thought I was losing my mind for not seeing the glory that is the, ‘next wave of indie horror content’.
Please.
There’s more horror in an average retail store on any given weekend than this entire series has in its three episodes.
Christ I don’t even know where to begin with this thing.
I’m not a film student but I’ve read the other film student anons’ posts and they are so incredibly right. There is so much about the series that felt hastily thrown together and I also loathe the phrase ‘intentionally bad’ when it’s something that’s been hyped up for as long as it has and yet, fell so incredibly flat. I have never been more bored, irritated, and confused watching a piece of media before, and have continued to feel this way as I watch diehard fans of Ranboo tout how great of a series it is?
Hey, Boobers- cmere, let me tell you a secret, genloss ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
It’s a lukewarm, lackluster production at best, and if I didn’t know going in that this was supposed to be Ranboo’s passion project, it literally feels like a school assignment he had only the bare interest in putting together. God this thing has no soul. It has no spark. And it hurts so much to know that this is what this great incredibly hyped-up project became, because from how they talked about it, it's obvious Ranboo loves this thing, and I wanted to love it too.
But it ain’t good. And someone should’ve told him long before now it needs massive edits, and I get it, getting hard criticism is painful and isn't fun, but if it makes your end product better, your piece of entertainment content more enjoyable for the consumer, then you gotta listen and bare it.
I’m an author and I know they do it because they love me, but whenever my editors are like ‘ayo this shit is whack wtf you talking about’ it does hurt my pride but!!!! But!!!!!!!! I go back and take a harder look at that section and sometimes I stand by what I wrote, but other times I now see what was wrong with it and make the edits. Sometimes entire concepts have to get cut to trim down the story and make it more cohesive and that also sucks, but you just tuck those ideas away for later or another project, and tbh I do not feel like anyone did this with the genloss concept.
This entire story feels like it is stapled together and there is literally no through line!! It is a random bag of ideas mashed together to form what I imagine an AI would generate if you typed in ‘mall, horror, evil cooperation’. Fuck it hurts. It hurts so much to be someone that is so passionate about storytelling and writing to see genloss get the attention it has, and for Ranboo to be praised for their ‘excellent writing skills’.
I do understand this was probably their second real attempt at writing a story for public consumption (first being his character’s arc in the dsmp), and like, nothing anyone writes on their second attempt to tell a story is gonna be great. Mine wasn’t, no writer’s is, and that’s okay I really genuinely get that, my problem is how the production was hyped up, how the budget was apparently blown on so much wasteful crap, and then how no one with experience telling stories took a look at his concept before production began.
It makes me sick to know that box cost 18k. Do you know what I, and many other small creators, could do with that kinda money?
This was a few weeks ago? Maybe last week? But Ranboo said over here on the tumbles that they were thinking about genloss in written form, IE a book, and I think I literally blacked out I got so angry. I am also writing a book (hahahaha hi it is not easy!) and I honestly don’t think it's half bad, but I have still been fighting tooth and nail to get eyes on it and nothing makes me angrier than knowing Ranboo could slap some half-baked shit into a word doc, get whatever kind of fancy printing they wanted, and sell more copies than I likely ever will.
I don’t wish anything ill on the dude, he seems like a nice person and I hope he succeeds, but jesus christ, someone needs to be real with them on their writing and story construction. TBH I think a large part of the problem is how rabid his fanbase is, so any kind of criticism gets buried under threats and just, people blowing smoke up his ass, and that is not helpful to him as a creator!! Dude wants to grow and improve, stop telling them genloss is the best thing since sliced bread!!
Let him get his feelings hurt over this, let them take that and make it their drive, let him know he can do better.
If you keep settling for mediocrity, you never push yourself to do something great.
But that’s just my two cents. Thank you for letting me word vomit in your inbox, I have been going crazy and I will likely be back <3
-the author anon
this blog is collecting anons representing all the creative aspects of gen loss like pokemon. first film student anon. now author anon.
but in all seriousness i'm glad this blog is a breath of fresh air for you <3 you're right! my first couple attempts at writing (mostly fanfiction, some original) i am very glad they do not exist online. part of writing well is being kind of really bad at it for a bit. ive taken a writing class (in college) and the entire foundation of that class was "we will write and then your classmates will give you feedback" and it made a lot of my work so much better. feedback is like. how you get good and i feel like you're right, the fanbase does drown a lot of that out (hence me making a dedicated blog!)
i hadn't heard of the gen loss book concept before this but. i can't imagine it would be super great at the current form of gen loss is in. and writing is so much more than "here's the plot" like. establishing a good setting and sense of place and making us actually connect with the protagonist and. author anon that awakened something in me
Let him get his feelings hurt over this, let them take that and make it their drive, let him know he can do better. If you keep settling for mediocrity, you never push yourself to do something great.
anyways. great thoughts! reposting that quote for those in the back :)
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Ikesen Headcannon where the Mc has an almost an almost identical personality to the suitor?
Also, I’ve been reading through your posts and they made me smile—have had a hard time doing that as of late so thank you!
A/N: Hi there! Thank you for the kind words, I’m really happy that you’ve been able to smile from my blog!! This definitely made my day :))))))
You didn’t specify a suitor so I assumed you wanted all the Ikesen men. Because there are so many, I didn’t think I’d be able to fully cover the scope of what it’d be like if MC had almost the same personality so I decided to narrow it down to one or two traits that the suitors have and go from there. I hope that’s okay and that you enjoy it regardless! ❤️ Would love to revisit some time later and write something proper where MC and the suitor have identical personalities!
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[HC] MC sharing traits with the warlords
Suitor(s): Nobunaga, Hideyoshi, Mitsunari, Mitsuhide, Masamune, Ieyasu, Kenshin, Shingen
Content Warnings: None
Nobunaga
He’s met his match alright
Sure, the other warlords have big, strong personalities
But Nobunaga and MC?
Even Mitsuhide was surprised to see the two dominating figures in a room together and not be at each other’s throats
Hideyoshi was even more flabbergasted when Nobunaga began letting MC have a bigger stake at war councils
Masamune found the whole thing to be amusing; Ieyasu, a waste of time
Mitsunari was happy enough to have MC participating
MC was no warrior—she knew that well enough—but she certainly had the ability to adapt, persevere, learn, and share thoughts on current situations
Nobunaga acknowledged that and once he realized the depth of his feelings for her, he decided it was best to have her in the loop of things
Hence, the increased participation in war councils
Though he’d never admit it, Nobunaga found himself quite impressed and head over heels for a woman who matched his tenacity, yet maintained some degree of innocence a soldier would never have
He really did believe MC was his lucky charm
Never did he think he’d be allowed a love like this—someone to confide in, both personally and professionally; to have both input and support while pursuing a wild dream of unifying Japan
Hideyoshi
Just imagine Ieyasu’s eyes rolling when everyone recognized MC taking after the resident mother hen Hideyoshi
Extreme loyalty was perhaps MC’s Achilles heel
How Nobunaga was to Hideyoshi, Mitsunari was to MC
It truly warmed Hideyoshi’s heart to see someone besides Nobunaga recognize the talent and potential in his favorite vassal
Hideyoshi and MC actually started spending more time together on account of looking after Mitsunari, which then prompted teasing from Mitsuhide
Ieyasu went as far as calling the two a married couple looking after a lost child
Eventually, late-night discussions about Mitsunari’s future success morphed into long conversations about each other’s hopes and dreams, which then served as a catalyst for MC to start looking after Hideyoshi
And Hideyoshi could do nothing more than to accept this level of attention from her and develop deeper feelings for MC
Mitsunari
MC and Mitsunari—like two roses in a bed of thorns
They’re both known for such a lovely and radiating personality that contrasts the cruel warring period they were placed in
The others will often find the two completing tasks for one another or doing sneaky little things to lighten the load for the other person
Ieyasu will often ask Mitsunari why he even troubles him with errands when there’s MC who will gladly do anything for anyone with a smile on her face
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly ask Lady MC. She’s done far too much for me as of late.”
And just before Ieyasu could leave a bitter remark about how MC could run marathons and still offer her help—
“Ieyasu, play nice, we all know you like to check in on Mitsu from time to time… Mitsunari, did you need something? You know I’m always happy to help out with things! Oh, these must be the books that need to be returned to the archives… and here are the documents Masamune was looking for… and oh, Ieyasu, here’s the leftover salve Mitsunari said he would return!”
Mitsunari’s mouth hung open in surprise—maybe he did need MC’s help with some things
There may be two balls of sunshine in Azuchi castle but MC is surely more “present” than Mitsunari if that’s what you’d like to call it
Things don’t fly over her head nearly as much as they do Mitsunari’s and she’s always quick to defend him when soldiers start poking fun at him
Ieyasu grumbled a “thank you” and “I certainly do not like to check in on the dolt, I simply need to—er, Nobunaga and Hideyoshi need me to…” before leaving
One thing MC loved about Mitsu was his extreme focus and attentiveness in matters that were important to him
One of them being books
You best believe Hideyoshi was thinking “Oh no, what do we do? Now there’s two of them who can never get their head out of a book.” when he found MC and Mitsunari buried deep in books about clothing and battle tactics, dinners untouched
Mitsuhide
If there was anything the warlords didn’t particularly appreciate about the chatelaine, it was the stark resemblance to Mitsuhide’s teasing and elusive mannerisms
Sometimes, the maids were certain they recognized a glint in MC’s eyes identical to the infamous kitsune’s
Nobunaga considered it all to be fine entertainment; he found it quite amusing to see his fireball trade insults with the rest of them, no matter the time or place
Mitsuhide was particularly impressed by how easily the lies seemed to roll off MC’s tongue
Where was she from? Why didn’t she know basic history? Why was her writing so unique? What region could possibly account for her strange colloquial terms?
MC had an answer for everything, whether they were plausible reasonings or not—that was the fun of it, she thought
Unlike Mitsuhide, who lied and deceived on another level for Nobunaga, MC lied and evaded questions for the simple joy of fabricating stories
Of course, Masamune, at one point, said she’d be better off as a performer than a princess if she was to go on telling obvious lies one day and not-so-obvious lies the other day
Usually, the warlords put up with MC’s Mitsuhide-like personality, but on the days where they didn’t, expect that Hideyoshi would give MC a stern talking to and then offer her tea and a meal before leaving his manor
Masamune
What. A. Flirt.
Masamune had a field day when MC was first brought to Azuchi castle and she was not pulling any of her punches
Punches being suggestive comments and silly professions of love that matched Masamune’s, if not more—all while still on horseback
Oh, and the flirting was not limited to the One-Eyed Dragon
MC always enjoyed teasing the three who were most likely to get flustered—Hideyoshi, Mitsunari, and Ieyasu
“Mitsunari, when will you ever show up to war council not looking like a complete mess? You might as well shave your head if you’re not going to be putting in any effort to make your hair look presentable.”
“Oh, don’t listen to the grump, Mitsunari. I happen to think you look very cute just how you are right now,” MC confidently says while also flattening his cowlick.
“Oh! Ieyasu, would you like me to help fix your hair as well? Though I suppose not. The fluffy hair paired with those green eyes just makes you look so handsome.”
Poor Mitsunari and Ieyasu’s ears were searing hot after MC stepped into the council room, the two following behind with a laughing Masamune
Then came the days where Masamune realized how out of sorts he felt whenever MC teased and flirted with anyone else—the days where he knew for sure, that whenever he and MC went back and forth, it was real
And Masamune being Masamune didn’t really have an answer for this problem he was facing
Not a verbal one, at least
After spending the afternoon at the tea house with Ieyasu and Masamune, MC was naturally throwing compliments around
When they got to the gates of Azuchi castle, “Hey, Ieyasu, we’ll see ya later. The lass and I are going on a ride.”
MC was fully expecting Masamune to gallop but instead, it was a nice trot to a nearby lake
Words weren’t really exchanged, just a quiet appreciation for their surroundings
And without further thinking, Masamune landed a kiss on MC’s lips, which was enthusiastically returned
Ieyasu
When MC first arrived at Azuchi and wasn’t afraid to trade blows with the resident porcupine, Ieyasu sure was surprised (though, of course, he was quick to hide that with another scathing remark)
Oh, Nobunaga sure loved this—his lucky charm had a sharp tongue to go against (who he viewed as) his little brother
And when Nobunaga ordered Ieyasu to house MC after the ronin attack? Eyes were rolling to the back of their heads.
Mitsunari was really the only one excited for MC, exclaiming that there was a lot to learn from Lord Ieyasu if she chose to pursue any studies
Everyone else thought it was a situation waiting to go up in flames
The two never stopped bickering, but they always got things done
Strangely, Ieyasu and MC worked like a well-oiled machine
And at the end of the day, though they’d never admit it to each other, they were always impressed by the other, and there grew a need to never let the other person down, no matter the task
Then came the battle with the Uesugi-Takeda forces where Ieyasu and MC ran the infirmary
There was an enemy attack, leaving many injured soldiers scrambling or in the line of fire
MC took off, hoping to lend a hand to any handicapped warrior
“Really, MC. I thought by now, you’d be capable of possessing critical thinking skills.”
The rearguard was able to retreat successfully; Ieyasu was now tending to a wounded MC, whose arm was grazed by an arrow
“Ow! Hey, I thought you were supposed to be good at this.”
Out of worry, Ieyasu hadn’t realized just how much pressure he was applying while dressing her injury
“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for being a complete idiot and running towards the enemy.”
“Please, like you weren’t doing the same.”
“I was running after you and your pea-sized brain.”
“Oh, lucky you.”
The two locked eyes with each other, Ieyasu’s hand still latched onto MC’s now bandaged arm
There was a pause, a moment where their surroundings seemed to freeze, right before Ieyasu engulfed MC in a tight embrace
Arms wrapped around her neck, cheek pressed against the top of her head
“You’re a moron. A complete moron. Don’t even think of pulling something like that again.”
Kenshin
MC can hold her liquor
Like, seriously
No one could really believe it—Yukimura was extremely horrified and concerned that he’d be waking up to either a dead MC or a constantly-throwing-up MC in the morning
At this point, everyone saw Kenshin as the one true exception to the perils that excessive drinking could do to a person but damn, add MC to that very short list
Kenshin was certainly pleased to finally have a drinking partner that could and would match shot for shot with him, even if it was a woman
But… he pours all of her drinks with the slightest of smiles !!
At first, the drinking and the celebrations passed by in silence with the occasional quip whenever Shingen, Yukimura, or Sasuke said something ridiculous in Kenshin’s mind
As time passed and MC was slowly, but surely, developing the bravery to withstand Kenshin’s steely gaze and harsh threats, conversations of war and its purpose—specifically Kenshin’s purpose—came to be
What MC viewed as a step forward—discussing the logistics of fighting the Oda—was three steps backward for Kenshin, but MC refused to sway
Eventually, Kenshin stopped disregarding MC’s questions and gave his answers
When that didn’t satisfy her, Kenshin found himself seeking MC out and bringing her to more secluded locations, sake in hand, to discuss anything she wanted to know about him, Kasugayama, and Echigo
Shingen
MC could wax poetic all day and all night
And Shingen would gladly drown in her lyricism
He was used to flirting and doling out romanticisms for the women of Kasugayama, but to have someone so alluring, so exquisite, shower him with equally romantic one-liners?
Oh, he’s practically on his hands and knees, begging for more than just MC’s saccharine words
On the nights when Shingen visits MC to “watch the moon”:
There’s usually a nice lull where the two sit side by side on a tatami mat, hands just inches apart
The air is crisp, the sky is clear
And the two share the gentlest of smiles with each other while whispering sweet nothings
The thing with Shingen and MC was that they were both fine with those nights being tiny, fleeting moments
Nothing permanent, just casual flirting for a few hours between two attractive people
Of course, it wouldn’t be like this forever—eventually, Shingen would take his romantic utterances a bit too far, a bit too serious, and MC would tell him to quit it
Shingen would then say, “I’m serious, MC. I’m in love with you. I love everything about you.”
A furrow of his brow and a slight frown, Shingen really couldn’t fathom why MC thought he’d be joking about something so important before feeling the sweet sensation of her lips against his
#cybird ikemen#ikemen sengoku#ikesen#ikesen headcanons#ikesen hcs#ikesen nobunaga#ikesen hideyoshi#ikesen mitsunari#ikesen mitsuhide#ikesen masamune#ikesen ieyasu#ikesen kenshin#ikesen shingen
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Coming Home
(Picking only one gif was extremely difficult just look @ him)
Jeong Yunho X Reader
Word Count: 8.8k
Genre: Angst, Ex’s to lovers, fluff (happy ending)
Warnings: Mentions of reader being stalked/followed by a stranger
Summary: After a long day of studying for finals at your campus library, you didn’t realize just how immersed you were in to your work until you saw that it was practically midnight. As you began walking home to your apartment, you noticed that someone began following you. Fearing for your life, you decide to call the only person you know could calm you down in such a frightening moment like this; your ex-boyfriend Jeong Yunho.
A/N: YOOOOOOO guys GUESS WHO’S BACK AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME? Okay, so, a couple things have happened since I’ve last posted an imagine. Unfortunately, I am no longer a Got7 stan (I know, I hate myself. I literally cried when I came to the realization.) It’s probably because of their hiatus (and I have the attention span of a peanut) (I think I might have adhd) so I will admit, I did get tired of waiting for them and even when they did come back, I wasn’t all that excited. However, Got7 saved my life when I first discovered them and they will always hold a very special place in my heart. Now, I am currently a huge fan of Ateez and I’ve decided to just post any Ateez stories I decide to write (instead of making an Ateez blog only because I doubt I’m really going to write as many stories as I did about Mark). I’m sorry for disappointing any one of you, but I hope you will enjoy this story! It’s pretty rough since it’s my first one in a very long time (I’m rusty). This is based on the song See You Later (Ten Years) by Jenna Raine.
It's funny 'cause I've always dreamed of me and you
Now here we are
Staring at the stars
You just broke my heart even though you promised
You'd never do that from the start
But I guess we can only make it so far
'Cause time wasn't in our favour
This isn't goodbye, this is simply see you laterLet me know when it's time to come back
Maybe when your life is on track
And you don't have to hesitate
Hopefully it isn't too late
Luckily for you, I'm patient
I'm okay with your making me wait
And as long as you're near, I'll be here
Even if it takes ten years
Looking at your watch, you sighed softly to yourself in frustration seeing how late it was.
11:15 P.M.
You were well aware that it wasn’t the best idea to stay at the campus library for as long as you did; especially because from past experiences, during midterms and finals, you’d be so concentrated on studying that it took you a while to realize just how long you held your head between your books for. It also didn’t help that winter was quickly approaching and the temperature had to be at least 45°.
The thin cardigan you were wearing didn’t do much in keeping you warm and you were soon regretting leaving your apartment at all that day. As much as you wanted to stay home in the comfort of your humble abode, the library held a lot of the books you needed for the upcoming literature test on Tuesday. Besides, being in your apartment all by yourself was suffocating—especially under the current circumstances.
Biting your tongue at the many upsetting thoughts that began to fill your mind, you put on your AirPods and began to make your way back to your apartment. Living less than twenty minutes away from your university was pretty ideal; to the point where you’d walk to school on most days. However, this was the first time you walked home by yourself so late at night.
You could feel your chest tighten up as memories from two months ago began to play in your head and before you knew it, tears began to well up in your eyes. Some of the best moments of your life—moments spent with him. The love of your life—your soulmate—your person—the man you wholeheartedly believed you were going to spend the rest of your life with—Jeong Yunho.
It hasn’t been all that long since the two of you mutually decided that it was best for the both of you to go your separate ways—yet the heartbreak that you were going through seemed to get more and more painful as the days went on. Who could blame you? The two of you were together since junior year in high school—spending seven years of your life with someone—some of the best years of your life for that matter—you accepted the fact that it would take a very long time to move on.
Some days were better than others; you took on two extra classes and worked overtime at your job to distract yourself from overanalyzing what used to be—what could have been if you tried a little harder. Trying your best to push away the idea of him and any of your memories together to the best of your ability, you dragged your feet in the direction of your apartment. Being so late at night, it didn’t surprise you that there were hardly any cars driving on the road. You considered Korea to be relatively safe, so you didn’t really think much of your surroundings.
There were countless times where you would go exploring on your own whenever Yunho was working or at school himself. Everything was fine for most of the walk; there were quite a bit of streetlights and you passed by a couple of people. It wasn’t until the hairs on the back of your neck began to rise when you heard heavy footsteps treading not too far behind you.
Maybe someone was heading home just like you were—maybe it was someone who had also been at the library, or even leaving work. There was no reason for you to be so paranoid. Your curiosity; and the chicken skin that now encompassed both your arms started to get the best of you. Reaching for your phone and pretending that you were trying to FaceTime someone, you decided to see what the person looked like.
Not wanting to draw any attention to yourself, you decided not to turn around for obvious reasons. When you saw the taller, broader figure wearing all black behind you, your heart sank to your chest.
He’s just walking y/n, stop worrying so much.
Trying harder to convince yourself that the stranger wasn’t someone you had to be worried about, you slowly let out a few shallow breaths—not wanting him to catch on to your paranoia. Something inside of you told you to take a different direction; not going home just yet in attempts to see whether or not he would follow you.
As you turned left, you noticed that this was a road that mainly families and elderly people who were settled down resided in. To your dismay, the footsteps only grew louder and soon you were running out of ideas. He was in fact following you and you had no clue as to what you should do. Unlocking your phone, you scanned through your contacts—your parents were currently on a trip in Hawaii, and you didn’t want to worry them with your current predicament.
It wasn’t like they could do all that much to help you anyway—being over 5,000 miles away. You thought about calling one of your friends—specifically Mingi or Seonghwa, but they were also Yunho’s friends who you became close with because of him. Although you’d consider them family at this point after knowing them for almost the same amount of time you’ve known Yunho for, you haven’t seen or spoken to them since the breakup and you didn’t want to burden them after not contacting them in months.
The thought of calling Yunho actually popped up before you considered anybody else; he was always the first person you would go to for anything and everything that happened in your life. No matter what it was—whether it was something so amazing, or something so terrible, your ex-boyfriend was the first person you sought solace from.
Ex-boyfriend.
That word felt so unfamiliar and you hated how it felt on your tongue. Not once throughout your seven year relationship with the older boy would you have ever pictured not having him in your life.
The two of you started off as friends; being paired up in science class during your freshman year—Yunho was a lot more shy back then, but you were the definition of a social butterfly and it didn’t take long for Yunho to come out of his shell. Before either of you could notice it, you became the best of friends in a span of three months.
If only you weren’t literally moments away from a panic attack, you’d smile softly at the image of a teenage Yunho. He was already so humongous; he was the tallest student in your graduating class. His hair was much longer in high school, his cheeks were puffier and his features were sharper and more defined. Back when life was so much easier and the two of you were much happier.
Having an internal argument with yourself; weighing out the pros and cons of what could happen if you were to call him, you let the fear of what could happen to you if you continued to walk down a dark and empty road overpower the worry of contacting your ex-boyfriend for the first time after your extremely painful breakup. Dialing the only number you knew by heart, you felt as though you were about to pass out after the first ring.
“Please—please pick up. Please—“
“Y/n?” If you weren’t so scared right now, hearing his raspy voice that you loved and missed so much would have stopped your thinking process, but you were too busy trying to think about what your next move was.
“H—hey. Hi. I—I’m so sorry—I—I know it’s been a while and—and I—I’m sorry—“
“Y/n—y/n, is everything okay? You sound like you’re out of breath—where are you?”
Trying your best to slow down your racing heart, your cheeks warmed up at the realization that he picked up on the second ring. Hearing him worry about you filled your chest with so much warmth—but the feeling was quick to disappear as you began to tell him of your situation.
“I—I was walking home from school and I was minutes away from my apartment when I felt like someone was following me. At first—I just—I told myself I was overreacting but, he’s been following me for ten minutes now—“
“Where are you—did you—are you still sharing your location with me?”
As much as you didn’t want to torture yourself with anything related to Yunho, you couldn’t delete anything. You weren’t strong enough mentally nor physically to delete the hundreds and thousands of photos and videos, nor the text messages and voicemails he’d send to you. Maybe it was the fact that you and Yunho were a couple for so long, or because you held on to the hope that you’d get back together someday—you just didn’t want to get rid of him from your life completely. Yunho was all you’ve known for most of your life and he was all you ever wanted to know. Plus, you made him a promise in the beginning of your relationship when he first shared your location with himself.
“Although I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, promise me that no matter what happens to us, you’ll always share your location with me. I need to know that you’re safe at all times—even if there’s ever a time where we can’t be together.”
He was always so overprotective when it came to you, but you were fond of the many ways he sheltered you, protected you and how he made your safety and well-being his number one priority. You didn’t realize just how much you missed him checking up on you; whether it was seeing how your day was going, if you were eating all your meals and staying hydrated—or sending you some words of encouragement at school or work—maybe a couple of cheeky pick-up lines here and there—until you no longer received anything from him.
But you were the one who initiated the breakup; it took over a month for you to come to the hardest decision you ever made in your entire life. However, both you and Yunho were extremely busy; after you graduated from college with your bachelor’s degree in special education, you decided to go back for your master’s shortly after. A choice Yunho highly encouraged.
He went straight to medical school once he graduated from community college. His dream of becoming a doctor was one he’s been working extremely hard for since the 3rd grade. You were each other’s biggest support systems. Although it was hard for both of you, you did whatever you could for one another to make sure you both achieved your goals. Unfortunately, both your schedules became too packed to fit in any time together. When you were at work, he would be at school and when you were at school, he’d be clocking in to work. You had weekends off, where as he worked both days.
Although you lived together, you hardly got to see each other and the distance, along with the many fights that began to break out as a result of too much stress on your end and his—you couldn’t continue being in a relationship you felt you were being suffocated in. His support was no longer reaching you, and the two of you were too tired to be intimate; not even having time to kiss each other more than just a peck if you were lucky.
On that September night where you built up the courage to sit him down and tell him what was clouding your mind, you felt as though your heart was being ripped out from your chest. It was the first time you saw Yunho cry over you. He never really had a reason to. You were so happy together; your relationship was the envy of everyone who knew of you and Yunho.
The two of you hardly ever fought and if you did, it was over something so stupid like him leaving the toilet seat up or you leaving a coffee cup in the sink. Wherever one of you were to go, everyone expected the other to be. You were both so madly in love with one another—making it known that God made you for each other. Which is why nobody believed it when you announced your break up. How could two people who embodied the perfect definition of soulmates come to the decision that they no longer wanted to be together?
Mingi even told you that he thought the two of you were trying to mess with him and refused to believe the heartbreaking news. It took Yunho many attempts to let him know that it was in fact over between you both. He tried his best to beg you to stay; he reminded you that he couldn’t live without you, that he loved you more than he thought he could ever love someone, that what was a couple of rocky months when he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you—he promised that he would make time for you and that he would change.
He apologized for taking out his anger and frustrations on you, and told you that he would be nothing if you were to leave. Hearing him say all those things, on top of hearing his heart-wrenching cries as he held on to you so tightly caused you to genuinely reconsider your decision. You didn’t want to break up with him—the thought of not being able to wake up in his warm and comforting arms, all the while looking at his handsome smile as he kissed you all across your face in the morning—sitting on his lap as he played his favorite video games, trying out different recipes together that you’d see on the food network, cuddling together on the couch while watching a movie, having him lie down on your lap as you’d read a book to him, staying up on the phone with him while he’d go to America for different healthcare conventions—the thought of not being his is what tore you apart completely.
What was worse was the thought of another woman in your shoes. It made you sick to your stomach thinking about another woman kissing him—hugging him—being intimate with him—loving him and being loved by him in ways only you should be allowed to. However, you allowed your temporary unhappiness triumph everything else and once Yunho saw how you weren’t relenting, he stopped trying. If you wanted a breakup, no matter how much he didn’t want to, he loved you to much to continue hurting you in the ways you were claiming he did.
“Yeah—I—I actually don’t even know where I am. I just turned down a street—“
“Is he still following you? Can you FaceTime me please?”
Without hesitation, no matter how unprepared you were to see him, you didn’t care at this point. You weren’t thinking straight and you knew Yunho would have a better idea of what to do. You could feel yourself lighten up a little bit when his soft, delicate and extremely handsome features appeared on your phone screen.
“Tilt the camera behind you carefully.”
You recognized that he was currently at Mingi’s apartment. Right after the breakup, he walked out without any of his things. You wanted to tell him that he could stay for the night, but even if you offered him to, you knew there was a huge chance he didn’t want to be around you. Especially because you broke his heart. To this day, the image of his red eyes, furrowed brows and broken form still haunts you. He didn’t deserve any of that; he was such a bright and bubbly person. You claimed that he was the actual sun in human form. Yet, your relationship grew so cold, you didn’t feel anything towards him but a burden.
“Y/n—he’s—he’s still there. Asshole—I swear to God, I’ll kill the bastard—ah, damnit. Okay, stay—stay calm okay? I’m going to leave right now—“
It was two minutes away from midnight now and you felt like crying. Everything was so overwhelming; you were being stalked by someone two times your size and it led you to calling up your ex-boyfriend. Why was this all happening at once? You couldn’t wrap your head around it. Here you were, putting the same man who’s world you flipped upside down in a span of a day through something he shouldn’t be worrying about. Did you hate him that much? Yunho didn’t deserve to be treated this way; yet he was trying his best to help you even if there was a chance he was probably sleeping.
“I—didn’t realize—midnight—Yunho, I’m so sorry—you don’t have to come, please just stay on the phone with me—“
“If you think even for two seconds that I’m not going to come and get you, you’ve lost your mind. Okay, tell me, do you see anyone else? Or, better yet, is there any kind of store—anywhere you can run in to until I arrive? You’re ten minutes away, but I don’t want you alone for much longer.”
Hearing how he still cared so much about you made you regret your decisions and you wanted nothing more than to go back and change everything. You knew that if the two of you were still together, tonight would never had happened. There was no way in hell Yunho would ever allow you to walk home at night by yourself. He used to playfully scold you if you went somewhere by yourself that he considered dangerous.
You hardly went anywhere without him or his friends, but on the rare occasions where you’d go grocery shopping late at night, he’d come pick you up and tell you how worried he was for you. Thankfully, your many prayers were answered when you saw a convenience store in your peripheral vision.
“There’s a 24-hour convenience store—“
“Good. Go there. But don’t make it obvious okay? He might just chase after you and—I don’t even want to think about anything bad happening to you. Stay with me and let me know when you get in the store.” After what felt like hours—which you knew was probably less than two minutes, you released the loudest sigh of relief as the cashier greeted you once you walked in.
“Okay. I’m here now.”
“Thank God.” He also sounds a lot more relieved, and you were now very grateful that you decided to call him. Nobody else would have been able to calm your nerves like he did so effortlessly.
“Thank you so much Yunho—I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m sorry for bothering you—I’m—I’m sorry—“
“No. I won’t be having any of that. Stop apologizing. I would do anything for you. You should already know that. You’re never a bother. I don’t care that we’re not a couple anymore, you know you can call me whenever and I’ll be there no matter what. Is he gone now? Do you still see him?”
Every single word that fell from his mouth tugged on your heartstrings and you didn’t even notice that you were crying now. Although they could have been tears of relief, you were confident they were emotional and overwhelming tears. You were still so madly in love with Yunho; there was no doubt about it. However, with all the events that happened within the last hour, it made you accept the fact that you couldn’t live without him anymore.
“I—I don’t see him. But I don’t know, I—I think I’m just a little frazzled—“
“I’m almost there okay? I’m about four minutes away. Don’t leave the store until I get there.”
Although he was obviously just as scared as you were, his soft voice help calm your racing heart. How did you go two months living without this man? There were so many times where Yunho would comfort you—whether you had a terrible day at work, or failed a very important test. He would hold you so tightly, as if he were to lose you if he let you go—while running his fingers through your hair—whispering words of comfort and encouragement. You missed how much he loved and cared about you. Before you could say anything else, you were being pulled into a broad chest that you knew belong to Yunho. His arms were now wrapped tightly around your lower back as his face was buried in the crook of your neck.
“Hey—hi—um—hi—I’m so glad you’re okay. I felt like I was going to pass out hearing you so scared—God y/n, I literally ran three red lights to get here—“
“You didn’t have to do that—“
“Stop. Like I said, I would do anything for you. That means getting a ticket or even going to jail if it meant protecting you. Now, as much as I want to keep talking about this, I’m sure the employee thinks we’re crazy. I’ll take you home.”
You felt disappointed once he released you from his embrace, but it was your decision to no longer be able to hug him whenever you wanted to. As cliche as it sounded, whenever you’d hear the phrase “home is where the heart is” you always considered Yunho to be your home. Home wasn’t necessarily just a roof above your head. Home wasn’t just a place you’d return to after a long day. Home wasn’t just somewhere to sleep. Home was wherever you felt safest—and only three months in to your relationship did you accept Jeong Yunho was your home.
After being in his warm embrace after two long and dreadful months, it just confirmed how you haven’t been the same since. You just assumed this breakup was for the best—that you were a distraction to Yunho and that it was in his best interest to focus on his career without the burden of a relationship. But you couldn’t have been more wrong. “
Wait—you were walking home alone in the freezing cold wearing just this sweater—oh—you—you still have this?”
Back in high school, when you were first introduced to Yunho’s family, his mother simply adored you. She always pestered Yunho about confessing his feelings to you. She claimed you were everything she could ever want in a future daughter-in-law and more. For your 16th birthday, she gave you a box filled with a bunch of cute things. Some notepads, mechanical pencils, butterfly shaped earrings, a rainbow keychain, fuzzy socks and the sweater you were currently wearing. Apparently, Yunho picked it out; claiming that he loved how cream colored outfits really accentuated your delicate features. It was one of your favorite things to ever own.
“Yeah of course I do. It’s my favorite sweater, why wouldn’t I have it?”
“I—I don’t know. It’s such an old sweater, and you’ve bought nicer ones—“
“Well, your mom bought it for my birthday…and you once said it was your favorite thing for me to wear other than your clothes—“
You didn’t know just how much you should be revealing to him and it didn’t dawn on you how the two of you were talking so comfortably to one another. As if you were still friends—as if the breakup never happened—as if you were still together. No. You couldn’t think like that. It didn’t matter that Yunho came out tonight to save you. You were sure anyone would have done that for you; any ex-boyfriend would have done the same. Right? Wrong.
Nobody in their right minds would go out of their way, leaving the warmth of their apartment to enter the freezing cold; to speed on the road covered in snow for a girl who broke up with them because the relationship was getting too much for her to handle. But this was Yunho. Like he mentioned twice already; he would do anything for you without hesitation. There were countless times throughout your relationship that he would drop what he was doing to go and be with you.
Last October, he was in New York for school and he found out you had a kidney stone—he was on the next flight back home and stayed with you for the four days you were in the hospital for. When your grandmother passed away, he was out hiking with his family and didn’t even hesitate to leave them in order to be with you. Every single time he felt that you needed him, even if you weren’t the one to call him, he’d be there. Like the gentleman he was, he opened the passenger door for you, but held you in place as he took off the scarf he was wearing to wrap it around your neck. It was foreign—yet all so familiar. Being this close in proximity with him; having him give up a clothing item to keep you warm. He always put you first, even before himself. Your happiness made him happy.
“You’re freezing y/n—still the same—not caring about your health. Silly girl.”
Your heart rate that was now back to it’s normal pace now felt as if it was about to leap from out of your chest. Jeong Yunho would always have this kind of effect on you, no matter how long it’s been. A tiny smile rose upon your face as you sank down in the passenger seat and thanking him softly. After closing your door, he quickly jumped in to his side and began reversing out of the parking lot.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of the most intelligent people I know, but staying out past 11, knowing you’re going to walk home by yourself? Do you not understand how dangerous that is y/n? You don’t know just how long he was probably following you for. You—he could’ve kidnapped you and—I don’t even want to think about it. He’s lucky I wasn’t there—I—let’s not talk about this anymore. I’m so pissed off—“
Seeing his jaw clench as his fingers tightened around the steering wheel sent a fire to your bones. Yunho was known to be a very happy-go-lucky individual. His friends even gave him the nickname golden retriever because of how energetic and friendly he was. You could count the amount of times he’s gotten angry on one hand. He was a firm believer in not wasting life on negative moments. However, you understood why he was so furious. Now that you were safe, you actually began to think about the entire horrific situation.
What was the man’s intentions? How long was he following you for? How long did he plan on following you for? Where did he come from? Yunho was right, what’s done was done—there was no point in dwelling on it right now. All that mattered was that you were safe. The rest of the car ride was extremely quiet. Neither of you said anything else; you know there was a lot that he wanted to say. You had a lot on your mind also—but you didn’t think you had the right to say anything. You were afraid of walking on eggshells and making things worse between you two. It didn’t take long for him to reach your apartment structure seeing as how close you were an hour earlier.
You tried to look at his facial expression in the rear view mirror and it was blank. Being with him for so long, you were confident that he was fuming—hearing you freak out over the phone probably shook him up pretty good as well. You were sure that even if it happened to anyone else, he would’ve had the same reaction. Once he parked in a stall and turned off the car, you felt a weight sink on your shoulders. This was your cue to leave—before you’d say anything you’d regret and end up losing him forever.
“Yunho, I could never thank you enough for what you did tonight. You literally saved my life. Thank you. Thank you so much—If there’s anything I can do to show my gratitude, please let me know. I—you—we—I should go. Please get home safely.”
Before you could give him any time to say something, you ran out the car and made a beeline to your apartment. The tears were hot on your face as they fell down your cheeks.
Stupid, stupid girl. He saved your life tonight and all you could give him was that pathetic half assed thank you?
It was just too much. Being with him. Sitting in a car with him knowing that you’re broken up. Trying your best not to lean over and kiss his cheek—ruffle his hair or intertwine your hands in his like you used to. It was just too much for your heart to take in one night. Right as you made it to your apartment, you let yourself in and barely shut the door before sinking down and sobbing in to your hands.
I’m so sorry. I made a mistake. I should have never broken up with you. I’m still so head over heels in love with you. You deserve so much better than me. It took being followed and stalked for me to realize just how lucky I am to have you—to have had you.
Those words were at the back of your throat, but they couldn’t come out. You didn’t deserve to say those things. Not after everything you put him through. Not when his best friend called you at two in the morning begging you to change your mind; telling you that Yunho was crying every single day since the break up—asking Mingi to help him be a better boyfriend to you. Asking him what he could have done to prevent you from leaving. Not when he sent you a bouquet of sunflowers on your first day back teaching even if you were no longer together—not when he texted you the first week after the breakup asking you what he did wrong and why you didn’t tell him about what you were feeling sooner.
You always knew the love Yunho held for you was the kind of love you thought could only exist in books and movies. A love that so many people craved and desired to experience at least once in their lives. How lucky were you to have been able to find somebody who loves you and thinks the entire world of you like Yunho did. Why didn’t you try harder? Why did you let him go so easily? Why did you wait so long to come to this realization?
Your chest began to heave and you felt like you were actually going to throw up. Your head was throbbing and you couldn’t breathe. When you heard a gentle knock on the door, you froze—deep down you already knew who was on the opposite side. You just weren’t ready to explain why you were crying. Yes—after everything that happened with the stranger, you were probably scarred. But you forgot all of that—the only thing that you could think about was the beautiful boy of the outside of your apartment.
“Y/n—please—please open up. Y/n. Please—“
A part of you hesitated—the part that was worried about what would happen once you did open the door. You were afraid of acting on instant; saying something you shouldn’t or doing something unlike you in the heat of the moment. However, it was extremely cold outside and he already gave you his scarf. Plus, it was the least you could do for him after all that he did for you.
As soon as you opened the door, he wasted no time in placing both his hands to either sides of your face and smashed his mouth against yours; not giving you any chance to react. His lips were chapped—they were rough against yours and albeit a bit cold from the cool air outside. For the first couple of seconds, you were still in shock by his sudden movements. Honestly, you had no idea how to react. Everything was happening all at once; he continued to suck harshly on your mouth, licking and sucking your bottom lip.
Kissing Yunho had to be one of your favorite things to do with him; he was such a passionate kisser and he had the cutest heart shaped lips. He was also the type to ask you for a kiss—that’s just how much of a gentleman he was. Although you’ve told him many times that you were fine with him kissing you whenever he wanted, he still felt the need to get your permission. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you or cross any lines that he shouldn’t.
Right as you finally came to your senses and decided to respond to the kiss, he abruptly pulled away. His heavy breathing filled the room and just by his body language, he had to be feeling uncomfortable with your lack of response. You could feel your stomach sink when he began to walk away from you and started to pace back and forth from your sofa to the dining room table. Why did you keep having to make things worse? Why did you keep hurting the man who obviously still held feelings for you?
Although you wanted him to make the next move, you refused to allow him to beat himself up about how you were acting towards him. Yunho had a tendency to overthink and sometimes overreact. He hated that trait, but he couldn’t help himself. Yunho was the definition of a people pleaser. Even when people were mean to him, he still treated them with the upmost kindness. The beautiful boy in front of you had not a single mean bone in him.
Sometimes, you wished that Yunho grew thicker skin and wasn’t so naive about the way people would take advantage of him. It always broke your heart whenever he’d come home defeated after one of the doctors he’d work alongside would make a negative remark about him—or when his professors would give him a low grade for assignments. Hesitantly, you took a couple of steps toward him—slowly, in order to get a sense of how he was feeling. He didn’t stop you; he stood still as though he too was waiting to see what you would do.
“I’m sorry���I—I shouldn’t have come in—I should’ve just left—I’m sorry for kissing you, that was way out of line. I just couldn’t think straight. When you called me earlier, I—I thought I was hallucinating. Your ringtone; I thought Mingi was messing with me. So when I heard your sweet voice, I was over the moon. I thought maybe—just maybe you couldn’t continue living without me because God knows what a train wreck I am without you. But I was quick to notice your broken whispers and let me tell you—that had to be the scariest fifteen minutes of my entire life. Like I said, the thought of losing you—I would go insane. Which is why I had to come back here and make sure you got in safely.”
“Yunho—“
“It’s not a coincidence. God knows we need one another. Although I could have done without you going through all of that, maybe this was meant to happen so that we would accept the fact that we’re not happy. Well, at least I’m not. Haven’t been since the break up. Hugging you—holding you in that convenience store, it made me realize that life is too damn short for us to keep pretending as if nothing is wrong. For us to keep living a life that the other one isn’t in. You called me first—I’m not stupid and you don’t have to confirm it; I know I was probably the first person you called. You could’ve called your family or even one of the guys, but no. You called me. It’s because you know you can trust me. You know that I would go to the ends of this earth to keep you safe. To protect you and keep you out of harms way. I don’t know about you, but I’m sorry—I can’t keep living without you anymore. I’m not even living; I’m just existing. Every single day is nothing short of depressing. You’re my lifeline y/n. My purpose. Everything I do, I do it to make you smile. To make you happy. To take care of you, to provide for you and to make sure you’re experiencing nothing but the best life. It’s what you deserve. I just want you to be happy y/n, even if that means I can’t be the reason behind your happiness—“
Neither you or Yunho were ready for what you did next, but it all felt so natural; getting on your tip toes, reconnecting your lips together—all the while your arms snaked around his waist, pulling him as close to your body as you possibly could. Being followed by a stranger for over twenty minutes—that felt all too real. Fear always felt so real. But this, being back in the arms of the person you loved more than life itself; it felt like you were dreaming. It was too good to be true.
Yunho wasted no time in deepening the kiss, returning his hands back to your face—as if he was making sure that you were actually there and not a figment of his imagination. You could feel tears falling down your cheek, but they weren’t yours. There were only four times you ever saw Yunho cry in your nine years of knowing him. The first time was when he found out his grandfather had cancer, the second time where he sprained his ankle during a soccer game in junior year, the third time Christopher Robin together and the fourth time, when you told him you were leaving.
Nothing hurt more than seeing him cry; he always put others before himself—he was always smiling and tried his best not to show any other feeling than contentment. As much as you wanted to continue making out with him, there were things that needed to be said. Slowly, you pulled yourself away from Yunho; bringing both your hands up to his face to gently wipe the tears away. His eyes were watery and quickly turning red which tugged so tightly on your heartstrings. He gave you a soft smile—your movements obviously had a good effect on him.
You reached for his hand and brought him towards the couch, allowing him to sit as you stood in between his legs. He looked at you in curiosity; probably wondering why you weren’t sitting down to which you gave him a simple shrug. Grabbing for your hands, he intertwined his fingers with yours and squeezed it—encouraging you to say whatever it was that he knew had to be on your mind.
That’s something you admired about the beautiful boy in front of you, he was very observant and he was an amazing listener. You brought one of his hands up to your mouth and left a chaste kiss on it, earning the sweetest little smile he could muster up in a situation like this. After a couple of minutes just enjoying the peaceful silence between the two of you, you decided to tell him what you’ve been wanting to say right after the breakup.
“You’re right. You were the first person I called. You were the first person I thought of, even before my parents. They’re actually not here right now, but even if they were, I still would’ve called you. I know, I was stupid and I should’ve kept track of the time, but I genuinely haven’t been myself since that night. Right after you left, I felt as if a part of me died. Probably the happiness—the part that received so much love, affection, consideration, trust, hope—I am happiest with you, you know that. You never fail to make me smile. No matter how hard my day could get, just the mere thought of you made even the worst days so much better. I could do anything with you by my side. But, I let the negative thoughts get to me. We were fighting all the time—we hardly got to see each other towards the end of our relationship and when we did, I hated being around you. Not once did I ever feel that way. Maybe it was because I felt as if I was no longer a priority to you or because I felt like a burden. I felt as if our relationship was ruining the both of us and you didn’t seem to notice. Maybe you did but you just didn’t care—“
“I did notice. How could I not? You’re on my mind every single second of the day. What you’re doing, how you’re doing, if you’re eating all your meals on time, if you’re overworking yourself, if you’re staying hydrated and drinking at least eight cups of water a day—what I can do to make you laugh, if you’re thinking about me. I noticed we were growing distant but I didn’t want to say anything in fear of upsetting you. I thought that if I gave you your space, things would settle down and maybe you would come to me and talk to me when you were ready. Damnit, I should’ve said something as soon as I noticed the change—I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve tried harder—“
Hearing him blame himself for the entire situation made you all the more frustrated with yourself. He was probably beating himself up about this for the last two months, thinking he was at fault for the fall of your relationship. Neither of you were to blame. Time wasn’t always in either of your favors but you did your best to make it work. You shook your head and cupped his cheek, releasing a sigh of relief when he leaned in to your palm. You really did not deserve Yunho; he deserved so much better and yet you were selfish. All you did was take, take, take because he was so quick to give. Little did you realize how much of a terrible human being you were for thinking he was the bad guy.
Not only did you not try harder in fighting for your relationship—but you weren’t making time for him either. You weren’t checking up on him to see how he was doing. Everyone knew medical school was extremely tiring and you didn’t even try to encourage him or support him. Sure, you were just as tired as he was but that wasn’t an excuse. He must’ve been so sad and so lonely.
“No. Don’t you dare blame this on yourself. We weren’t always the best at communicating but that’s also because we never really had anything to argue or disagree on. You are an amazing person Yunho. You’re so kind, patient, understanding—so caring, loving, considerate, comforting and generous. You literally risked a speeding ticket to make sure I was okay—“
“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat—“
You playfully pinched his cheek at the interruption before grazing your thumb right below his eye. He needed to know how sorry you were, how he didn’t deserve all the pain and the grief you’ve put him through. He needed to know that you were well aware that the breakup was an extremely terrible brief lapse of judgement on your end and that if you could go back in time to change things, you would.
“I’m sorry. I knew I was putting you through hell—all the fights were so stupid. I was the one who started most of them and I did it because I felt neglected. I felt like that was the only way to get your attention. I don’t understand where it all went wrong. But I’m sorry for not trying harder. I’m sorry for making it seem like you were the problem. I think it also stemmed from me being upset with myself and taking it out on you. You didn’t deserve any of that at all. I’m so, so sorry Yunho. I didn’t mean anything that I said that night and no, not once did I ever stop loving you. If anything, being away from you made my feelings grow if it’s even possible. I never loved anyone nor will I ever love anyone even half as much as I love you Jeong Yunho. Living without you, waking up to a cold and empty bed, not receiving your extremely cute and endearing messages, not being able to come home and fall apart in your arms when life got too hard—just not having you around—I was miserable. Waking up became a chore. I’m half—one fourth of myself without you. I can’t believe it took some very crappy misfortune for us to end up here. I should came to you the next morning when I began ultimately regretting my decision. Like you said, it was meant for tonight to happen. I don’t think I can go one more day not having you in my life. Please forgive me—please—love me again.”
Wasting no time in pulling you on to his lap, Yunho silenced your many negative thoughts with a few chaste kisses; every single kiss melted your heart in to a puddle. He flicked your forehead earning a loud hiss from you in response before kissing the same spot and placing his forehead against yours.
“I never stopped either. How can I? You’re literally engraved in to my whole being. I knew we were made for one another the second you introduced yourself to me and I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot. I will admit, the night you told me you wanted to end things, I felt as if my soul was yanked abruptly from my chest. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I forgive you—I know we both made mistakes, but it’s apart of the growing process. Deciding to let you go was probably the stupidest choice I’ve ever made. But what could I have done? You were so adamant on breaking up, I just assumed you fell out of love with me. It happens, I just didn’t think it would happen to us. Promise me that this time will be different. If something is wrong, if you feel neglected, if I put too much stress on you, if there’s any issue, you need to tell me. Okay? I refuse to keep living without you anymore. Life—life is a precious thing, we can’t waste it on being unhappy.”
You leaned in to him, resting your head on his shoulder and placing a delicate kiss on his nape. He hummed softly before running his hands along your sides, something he did if he was either filled with anxiety and needed to calm down, or horny.
“I promise—and you need to do the same. Tell me if I’m ever mean to you or if I do something you don’t necessarily care for. I want you to run to me whenever life gets too much for you to handle. I want you to feel as safe and comfortable with me as I am with you. I want to make you happy in the ways you make me. Relationships are a two person commitment. Whenever you need me, I’m here. Always.”
Stealing a quick his from the corner of his mouth, you stood up and motioned your head towards your bedroom, earning you the most adorable, devious smirk that never failed to set your bones on fire.
“Thank God, all these love confessions, how beautiful you look right now and just the fact that you’re in my arms made me hard—“
“I was actually feeling a little bit tired—“ you giggled at how quick his body was to deflate against yours.
“Babeeeee, come on it’s been three months too long. A man can only jack off so much—“
“I’m kidding. I’ve missed you just as much as you’ve missed me. I’ve missed mini Yunho even more—“
“Oh I know you didn’t just call me small—“
“And if I did?”
He squeezed your hips before standing up and pulling you with him; throwing you over his shoulder and making his way towards your room. A soft yelp fell from your lips as he slapped your butt all but gently, before laughing to himself at the mix of a grunt and a moan that emitted from your mouth.
“Ah, by the way—“
“Hmmm?”
He practically threw you on to the bed in excitement, both from the many months of zero intimacy and the fact that the two of you were back together again. Your boyfriend wasted no time crawling up to you and hovered over you; placing both his hands on either side of your head. His face that held such a lustful and hungry expression was now much more soft and filled with love.
“We’re getting married tomorrow.”
Your eyes widened in shock and disbelief at his sudden revelation. Surely before the breakup, you’ve wondered why Yunho had yet to propose. Out of your friend group, the two of you were the only ones settled down, but everyone in your family—all your cousins were getting married and having children. Although you were content with how things were with Yunho, the topic was always at the back of your mind?
He made comments about how excited he was to marry you one day, but he never really acted on his words. It made you wonder what was preventing him from asking you those four romantic words. But you never wanted to push him or make him feel as though he had to marry you because everyone else was. You were fine with waiting however long it took him to pop the question.
“After what happened tonight, I realized that anything can happen. Life’s too short baby. I need to finally make you mine. My wife that is. I uh—I actually already have the ring. I’ve had it for over a year now. I know what you’re going to say—and after we broke up, I regretted not asking you sooner. I guess I was afraid of a negative reaction. I know I’ve always talked about marriage but I never knew how you felt. I’ve known it from even before we started dating that I want to be the lucky man who gets to love you and be loved by you for the rest of my life. You’ve made my life so much happier just by being in it. You are my person y/n and it would make me the happiest person on earth if you were to marry me. I won’t propose right now—not only will I not hear the end of it from you for not being more romantic, but the longer I look at those pretty eyes of yours, the more I can literally just jizz in my pants and that’s not the way I want to release tonight—“
“You never fail to make the most romantic moments unnecessarily sexual. Oh Jeong Yunho, what am I going to do with you—“
“Anything you want to baby. Well, getting married to me would be the most ideal, and then maybe helping me with the problem in my pants as celebration—“
Preventing him from making any more sexual innuendos, you pulled his face down to yours and kissed him as hard as you could. You bit his bottom lip and sucked on it a little rougher than expected. However, his raspy moan against your mouth sent heat straight to your core. Before things could get too hot and heavy however, you abruptly took your lips away from his and pressed your finger against his mouth to prevent him from whining or making any comments.
“Yes, I’ll marry you Jeong Yunho. God, I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me.”
He beamed down at you—his adorable gummy smile had to be one of your favorite things about him and that said a lot seeing as how you loved every little thing about him.
“I love you more y/n. Now, as much as I love listening to you talk, I love hearing you scream even more. Let me show you just how excited I am to spend the rest of my life with you.”
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I posted 258 times in 2022
That's 258 more posts than 2021!
124 posts created (48%)
134 posts reblogged (52%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@akookminsupporter
@stormblessed95
@chikooritajjk
@marengogo
@parkparkjeon
I tagged 151 of my posts in 2022
Only 41% of my posts had no tags
#asks - 35 posts
#jikook - 33 posts
#bts 7 nation army - 21 posts
#people who are lost - 20 posts
#jm - 16 posts
#jk - 12 posts
#bts chapter 2 - 10 posts
#about marengo - 9 posts
#jkk nak - 8 posts
#jimin - 7 posts
Longest Tag: 36 characters
#we ain’t about that life around here
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
i cant stop thinking about the way jimin was giggling like a school girl after he called jk over as a guest for his bday party, and then getting all awkward and flustered as if talking to his school crush. he was smiling so much even if jungkook was just standing there— and the way jungkook was also giggling when he said "jimin came by" to greet him happy birthday on his recent live. my boys are so smitten for each other its so adorable
It’s the way they do things all the members do, but when they do it every so often it feels like we are intruding, you know?
Oh and let’s UNOT7nify things for a change, shall we? for all those people out there going “but Hobi was there as well so”. To begin with, we have no idea of how it all went down. If JM didn’t come forth with that Hobi super-crop, we could have assumed that maybe they visited him at different times. But even with Hobi being there, who was the one that was so eagerly awaiting this day? Who was the one who gave us another very cute super-crop picture, of JK this time, while he is seemingly blowing out candles?
Hobi also joined them during JM’s birthday live last year, and people that don’t want to acknowledge it will not, but the change of atmosphere was instant. Before his arrival, not gonna lie to you, I was in disbelief and I didn't realise I was holding my breath until Hobi came in. Same with the Team Party-Party~! V-Live in LV, the way JM’s whole demeanour changed when JK walked into that room. Tae unbothered and Hobi moving aside, both probably being very used to this dynamic by now, but us still watching and wondering if all of this is okay to witness?! LOL
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43 notes - Posted September 12, 2022
#4
QUICKIE - 1: The Moon Embracing The Sun
LOVE AGAIN - by Daniel Caesar, Brandy [CASE STUDY 01]
[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]
–🐺–🐺–🐺–
Constantly, I hope everyone is doing great and I’m guessing we are all very excited about tomorrow! I’m perhaps overly excited and all I need to do at this point is try and get some sleep, like for real, but I feel like I’m a kid again and it's Xmas Eve’s Night where even tho I ain’t tryna catch Santa, I’m too hyped to sleep 🙃 … ANYWAYS, As the name of this series suggests, this is not going to be anything excessively long, but rather just a quick observation regarding some cute/lucky/noticeable occurrence I might have noticed or that might have happened in correlation to Jikook.
Today I’d like to talk about a “little” K-Drama called The Moon Embracing The Sun, which is from 2012, like, a good 10 years ago, but good stuff, good stuff! I literally just finished watching and it took me two weeks because I was trying to make it last (and it is a good 20 episodes). As you might already have deduced, the fact that it talked about The Moon and The Sun made me think of Jikook and straight away my brain started braining as I began to better understand a very distinct difference between how The West and The East perceive the relationship between the Moon and the Sun (myself being born and brought up in The West).
First of all, I was quite intrigued to find out that the drama was a love story between the Sun and the Moon, since (as some might have gathered by now) with me being really big on mythology (greek/roman in particular), I’ve always had a hard time thinking of the Sun and the Moon as anything other than twins, which is what Apollo (eventually god of the Sun) and Artemis (eventually goddess of the moon) are. In The East it appears that they for the most part star crossed lovers for something the moon did apparently, but lovers nevertheless.
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46 notes - Posted October 14, 2022
#3
Silver Lining - What If #2 : I Caught You Bae Bae! [PART 1]
Dreamers - by Jungkook of BTS [Music from the FIFA World Cup Qatar 2022 Official Soundtrack]
[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]
🐺 — 🐺 — 🐺—
This week has been a bit messy hasn’t it? And to top the madness all off, though I’m sure we are all happy to see that JK is doing well, thanks to his IG updates, it would have been great to “hear” from Jimin as well 🥹at this point is like, I know you working but, help a sister out you know? Like we be “worrying”/hella selfish here in this neck of the woods, like … jimiii↗️↘️iiin, I MISS SO MUCH IT HURTS 😭. So I thought I’d stop by to write something … cute me thinks? I think we can all use some fluffy, tender and light STD: Speculations, Thoughts and Delulu. In fact, the idea for this post was the result of me reading this post → Jikook After Tokyo by @wingzie. So welcome to another long ass post!
Though wingzie’s post was clearly about both JM and JK, I haven’t been able to shake off the image of Jimin blushing/being shy. I’ve always felt like Park Jimin is the kind of human being who, at least until circa pre-2018, would instantly wear his heart on his sleeve full-throttle. As of present, he seems to be much more in control with regards to the majority of emotions that he can control, sometimes even resorting to smart talk/ cynicism as a substitute as well. But oh boi, it used to be that we were always made aware of any kind of emotion he felt from little happiness and ecstasy to pet-peeves and straight up being bothered.
The only time we are now privy of a non-controlled emotion from Jimin is when he blushes/gets shy. There are infinite reasons why different people get shy. Some people get shy out of being complimented, some people get shy just being in the proximity of the person they maybe fancy, some people get shy when put on the spot, etc etc etc. When it comes to JM, what in my opinion, seems to be his shy trigger are situations where he REALLY doesn’t know what to do. So he “blushes” or becomes “shy”, so to say, and in his case it seems to happen mostly on 2 particular scenarios:
He is out of depts, not in his element, doesn't want us to know, and he is well aware that it will show on his face.
He hasn’t yet processed his feelings with regards to a certain situation. Hence, he hides his face so that we don’t see how he is feeling in that moment, before he himself can actually process what it is that he is even feeling.
Now, though JM has admitted on many occasions that he is indeed the shiest member of the band, people who are just focused on his performance persona, or just observe him within his comfort zone (which is for example anything with his members RUN BTS, BON VOYAGE etc) will not notice this side of him all, in fact they might even think that he is “capping”.
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52 notes - Posted November 20, 2022
#2
hi dunno if you had this question or not but do u think before jikook become a "thing" vmin and jihope messed around... cos if u ask other blogs they will beat around the bushes but aint nobody actually answering lol im saying this cos vmin are close as jihope hobi was his roomate tho (roomates) i didnt see jimin &hobi dynamic turn around like this until bv in malta or burn the stage..?
anyway it doesnt changr my opinion on jikook im just curious cos it looks like they prob messed around lol and
at some point i think rm had a crush on jimin too thats why sometimes jungkook had ?? a "problem with minimoni " monitoring jikook
Hello Anon,
Sure, let’s talk abou it.
No, I don’t think JM messed around with any other member in BTS before, during or after JK. Short answer; amongst other factors, one (not the main factor but …) is it would take a person who actually thinks they are desired in such a manner to do so, and quite unfortunately, for the longest time, I do believe JM didn’t believe himself to be said person at all. As for the Long answer, let’s look at each pairing you mentioned, shall we?
Let’s start with giving some context to my thoughts:
Not sure if you read any other of my posts, but I think 2015 was the year JK started “peacocking” so to say, at JM, and through ups and downs it took them 2017/2018 to actually enter a steady relationship and by steady I don’t mean they were in an open relationship prior to this. What I mean is that they both were trying to figure out things like, for example; what they actually were feeling for each other, or would them “being together” actually work, or could they really actually do this., etc, etc etc.
Furthermore, I should add, that I believe JM “taunting” JK with requests of kisses and telling him he liked him and wanted to go out with him etc, as they already had a very good relationship off-camera (as proven by various interviews), was just an also quite naive approached mixing at an attempt to establish a connection with JK on camera, with feelings he still himself hadn’t quite properly acknowledged. In simple words: He was consciously kidding about feelings he subconsciously already had but never really took seriously.
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57 notes - Posted September 15, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Well Well Well … - 1 : … BRUH~!
Shinunoga E-Wa - by 藤井風 (Fuji Kaze) [HELP EVER HURT NEVER]
[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]
–🐺–🐺–🐺–
I’ve been wondering.
For the past week, I’ve been wondering about what Jeon Jungkook would do for Park Jimin’s birthday privately. Because I was 100% sure he wouldn’t appear in JM’s vlive, just as much as I was 100% sure JM wouldn’t vlive from his private home (my reasons being, are probably for another post though … 😁). BUT, at the same time I did wonder; since JK doesn’t have the excuse of being at the company anymore, and since he is not going to release another 100% centric Jimin GCF; … what is he going to do? So you might be wondering: if you didn;t think he was going to do anything public, why still wonder about what he could do?
MIND YOU, being the private person that he is (they are), I did for the most part expected JK to not post anything at all. So I was actually at work wanting to talk to my loved one and not being able to (don’t ask…) while waiting for some Jikookers to beg for JK to post something, the whole time thinking “… it would be nice if they’d leave JK alone, is not like he is going to publicly do anything ..”. AND THEN, the second I thought that, I remember about last years birthday and I was like “🤦🏾♀️🙄😒😬…”.
Which brought me right back to the me that had been hypothetically thinking about “if, then what?”. If JK really wanted to publicly wish JM a happy birthday in a still intimate way but still not being caught: HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT?
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60 notes - Posted October 13, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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UPDATE!
Hey everyone! I’m sorta back. If you didn’t read my last update, here’s the rundown: My computer shit the bed and on it I had weeks worth of write-ups that I didn’t wanna have to do-over. I still don’t! And I lucked into taking my computer to the most unresponsive repair shop in the universe. Would you believe I called them last week and they, for the seventh-or-eighth time they told me they were too busy to talk to me and would call me right back and didn’t? I’m literally this close to showing up with a [PARODY/SATIRE] and [PARODY/SATIRE] up the place.
Anyway, this blog has always been about covering Adult Swim comedy originals and ONLY Adult Swim comedy originals, opting to skip acquisitions and anime all together. But, in a perhaps vain attempt to make it seem like the blog isn’t dead, I decided to come back with a little something to hopefully tide the four-or-five people who read this. I’m gonna review the first Adult Swim acquisition: Cowboy Bebop. What? You think I should’ve done Family Guy, maybe?
So strap in for the first installment of: “THIS IS WHY I DON’T REVIEW ANIME”.
Cowboy Bebop #1: “Asteroid Blues” | October 24, 1998 | S01E01
Adult Swim premiere: September 3, 2001 - 12:00AM
Okay, I need to be VERY CLEAR HERE: I’m not even particularly that good at reviewing shows I care about, but I think I am definitely predisposed to wanna talk about genres I actively enjoy more than ones I actively don’t. So I’m guessing my write-ups for Cowboy Bebop won’t be quite as robust as my comedy write-ups. Also, I’m doing my customary thing of making the first episode write-up consist of mostly preamble with a short actual episode synopsis tacked on as an afterthought, so don’t let the length of this one fool you. I’m about to go on a lotta tangents.
Back when Adult Swim was young, an anti-anime sentiment began developing almost immediately. That’s because the block consisted of 80% abrasive comedy shows for fans of somewhat specific comic sensibilities. Then there was anime, which appeared to be the polar opposite in almost every way. Cowboy Bebop was not only beautifully animated, but it was also primarily NOT comedy: It was more traditionally nerdy in that it was about science fiction, brooding badasses performing super-heroics, cool action scenes, etc. etc. These were all things I was specifically NOT into in 2001. I tend to have an aversion to almost anything that is presented as COOL, in the proactive/heroic sense of the word. COOL to me just meant being funny and mean and/or being a shithead punk. To be more succinct with an analogy: I didn’t think Han Solo was cool because he did stuff.
Despite being an obnoxious individualist I got swept up in anti-anime sentiment to the point that I actually identified as anti-anime and gleefully posted about it on a message board called ANIME SUCKS. The board was started by a mentally-deficient online ex-friend of mine who started it on a service called Ezboard. On Ezboard you could start your own message board very easily and would-be posters could register “global” accounts, which meant that you could post on any public Ezboard without having to re-register. That meant if you were a public board you were always a few clicks away from being discovered by a random person who had no barrier of entry from browsing and posting if the mood struck them. There were only about a dozen of us anti-anime heels that posted on ANIME SUCKS, but we attracted literally over 1000 angry anime fans who would come to the message board just to argue with us. The banner for the board was a found photo of a trio of absolute dorks cosplaying as various anime people, taken at an American comic book convention. One of them was Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop albeit doughier, bespectacled, and sporting a flat-looking bowl cut.
Internalized racism much??? Eh, we went to that well sometimes, sure. We were, and still are, huge shitheads. But usually we tried to be as aggressively dumb as possible when we argued with people, which was the best way to frustrate them. Also, I think the single most revolting thing to us was the idea of American anime fans. Dorks who were so alienated by the culture they were born into they gravitated towards what might as well be alien. I too grew up alienated by the culture I was born into, and I only embrace technology to the extent that it can show me my old shows I like to watch from before I lost my heart. Clearly, I’m not the loser here, right? RIGHT???
When that first night of Adult Swim premiered I remember how important it all felt, and how mandatory the viewing of all the shows seemed to me at the time. That is, until I got to about 5 minutes in on the first episode of Cowboy Bebop. Then it was time to turn off the TV. The amount of time that’s passed by between that moment and this moment is now old enough to drink (I missed Adult Swim’s birthday on the 2nd. Sorry!). I’ve done a little bit of growing since then, not to brag. So now I have more patience for media where people don’t get kicked in the nuts and then you see a close-up their face going cross-eyed while they fall. So now it’s time to watch Cowboy Bebop FOR REAL.
In Asteroid Blues we get the premise of the show: Spike is a bounty hunter flying around in Space on a large spacecraft. He and his partner, a burly android type of guy, are scraping by, even though their last job brought in the bacon all the property damage they caused put them back in the red.
This episode is about them going after a fella who is smuggling a synthetic drug that you spray in your eye. It seems to have PCP-esque qualities and it also makes time perception slow down for those who use it, making them almost superhuman. It also gives the user big bloodshot eyes. His pregnant, big-titty GF is also along for the ride.
I’ve seen one other episode of this show and both of them had this in common: it’s the future, and presumably it’s fairly early in the timeline of humans colonizing space; therefore the space colonies (I assume many of them are on asteroids [shoulda paid closer attention, sorry if I’m wrong]) are pretty crude, and resemble the old west. So the show hops back and forth between being on a futuristic spaceship and being on a dusty wild west planet. I don’t know if EVERY EPISODE follows this formula, but the two I saw sure did.
I still maintain that this isn’t entirely my thing. I can appreciate more about this show now than I did then. There are cool actiony moments and I appreciate the craft that went into this. But I’m still waiting to be wowed. But the music is great and the show is fun and I get why people liked it.
I rented the box set from Movie Madness in Portland, OR, and I’ll probably hang onto it long enough that I’ll wind up paying late fees. But--and this is just a heads up--I’ll probably be way briefer on future write-ups so I can get through these quicker on my end. In other words: you’re being cheated. Still, better than nothing, right?
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Hii! Since you always give such great advice, I hope it's okay if I ask. I'm a new writer who has been following you for a while. But how do you handle posting something and get little feedback or interaction? If I work on something for a long time, I get so depressed and discouraged. Have you ever experienced that?
hi anon, this may become a lengthy one so i’ll pop a read more under here. ♥️
there are going to be a thousand opinions on this, with a thousand different pieces of advice, and a thousand different outlooks. but, what i try and do is think about why i wanted to write in the first place—and why i wanted to share it.
there’s no wrong answer to why, and it’s personal, and deeply your own. but for two reasons: one, to get the voice in my head to stop niggling at me. two, because i like to make people smile, or provide them a break in their day. if i can make one person smile with a piece, i call that a good day.
i try to not get hung up on notes, i try to stick to my morals and write the things that i want. because then, if no one reads them, i’ve made myself happy first and foremost. each piece on this blog, i read again. not immediately, but when time has gone by and i can enjoy them as pieces and not as things with a ton of errors. sometimes, i’m the only one who has smiled at something, and that’s okay too.
there isn’t a magic wand to any of it. you just have to find the thing that makes you want to try again. and one day, if notes are what you’re after, they’ll come.
try to remember that with each piece you write, you’re better than the person you was before you began it. writing is a bit like a muscle, you have to work at it. some are more creative and others more logically; some people have a “stronger” muscle, some need to work at it a bit more. (i was the latter btw, like i didn’t even know how to use a common—and i likely still don’t hahah).
but to answer your last question, i have. it would be a downright lie to say i haven’t. but! sweet, kind, anon. fandom changes like the wind, i’m often late to the party, when the initial boom has died down. but there are always readers, there’s always a person looking for your particular type of writing with your particular kind of vision. you just have to keep writing until you find them, and when you do…
it feels amazing.
so, try not to feel discouraged, but if you do. that’s okay. let yourself feel it if you need to, and then churn it into something angsty (i swear angst saves lives) or emotional. even if you keep it just for you.
i’m sorry i couldn’t give you anything better than several ramblings from a girl in her pjs, but i hope it’s a comfort to know you’re not alone, and if writing is something you really want to do, find your why, and cling onto it even on the harder days ♥️
big loves ✨
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Hiii zalyy. Uhh i just saw your recent post and i wanted to say that youre under no obligation to write if you're not feeling it or just don't want to anymore. You already know this but I just wanted to put it out there because forcing yourself to pump out works is exhausting and something i hope you never have to do.
I also want to add that it's okay if you don't post often. Like I think that was implied but like I hope you don't feel sad for not being able to post your ideas and works. You have your own life outside of tumblr and being here is something you do out of your own volition, not a responsibility. Uhhh basically wanna say i hope that you don't feel sad or stressed about the the time you take between posting fics!
That said, i want you to know that i truly enjoy your writing. You're on of the first blogs i followed once i began reading genshin x readers and you've played a huge part in me beginning to play genshin. (I hope this doesnt sound like a guilttrip :< i just wanna say that you and your writing are lovely)
Thanks for reading until the end. I truly hope you're nothing but happy with the choices you make :D
i saw this a few days ago along with a similar ask, so im really sorry it took a while to respond…but can i just say i feel so touched that you actually wrote a whole ass essay to me 😭😭 like wow. you certainly didn’t have to go this far because i am literally NOT worth it, but thank you so much for this anyway ;;
its weird how i always initially view writing as a hobby, and then at some point suddenly look at it only to feel like i’m being obligated to do it,, or at least satisfy people for the sake of it. i mean, i like writing, i like making people happy, i have a shit ton of amazing drafts left without completion, but at some point it does get taxing,,, and at the same time the urge to write starts to get sort of inconsistent. i like it but i hate it 😭 and probably the weirdest thing about it
that said, reading stuff like this actually motivates me to write some stuff again — not because i feel guilt tripped into staying — but because things like this make it feel worth writing, knowing that someone out there is still willing to read and interact with any of my works. and it’s upsetting to see how some passionate and talented people on tumblr decided to quit or put a pause on writing, because they felt like they gave a lot of effort producing all these amazing fics for nothing.
i definitely have the better hang of juggling real life and writing this time, and i’m hoping that during this (potentially) last month, i won’t feel too stressed or burned out by it like i did before.
anyways idk why this got so long and sidetracked 😭 and i still have no idea why i’m kinda attached to writing. shoving that shit aside, i’m really flattered that i’ve become a part of your genshin playing journey :’) and i’d love to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my writing one too <3
#inbox !!#anons !!#wHeW that was long#and personal#EW god who am i to do that#sorry for that nonnie 😭 have a great day/night!! <3
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Love your banner, btw, but here! 💻 🖊 🍰 🏅
(Thanks!! I’m way too proud of that drawing, lol)
💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
Oh yes, usually about date-related things and when the seasons occur (since I live in the South hemisphere, I have to constantly remind myself the seasons in there isn’t like in here). I also research a lot about animals (symbolism, myths, and their behaviors) to write the Miraculous or design heroes as well as words in French for their names.
The deepest dive I did, though, was definitely when I had to research about the French school system, the differences between public and private schools, and how boardschools work. I went as far as reading through a foreign kid’s parent blog about their adaptation to the Parisian school 🙃 (I take my fictional kids’ education very seriously /j)
🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP.
(not sure if I’d call it a WIP, since it’s in that limbo where I’ll either finish it/transform it into something else, or scrap it completely, but it’s the only thing I currently have in my docs)
Video Call–
“–it kind of resolved itself.” Marinette shrugged, downcast face half-curtained by her hair as she tinkered with something on her desk. “Since we’ll have to move to a new place, I’ll automatically be transferred to another public school.”
“You’re okay with that?”
She pursed her lips for a moment, then slowly began to shake her head. “No, not really.” She sighed. “But I was indifferent to going to Lycée Dupont, so I should at least still be indifferent about this, no? I mean–”
No, it sounded like the exact kind of thing Félix would still find vexing regardless of how he felt about the previous routine, but Marinette hadn’t finished her train of thought, so he kept silently listening.
“–Dupont was miserable because of Chloé, then because of Lila, then everyone– Changing schools sounds exactly like the kinda thing I’d be ecstatic about in any other situation!” She threw her hands up.
“What other situation?”
“W-well– uhm. My– M-my pa-parents still…”
“I’m so sorry, Marinette.”
She shook her head, then, after taking a breath, asked, “You’re reading anything new?”
–end of snippet
🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).
It’s pretty hard not to say one of my own fics; especially the ones that were written specifically to comfort myself. I mean, Symphony of Lights and the SoL AU, as a whole, is literally just that!
But for something other than mine, @applebear-rites’s When the Downpour Falls (it’s just so sweet and heartwarming, it never fails to lift me up).
🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).
I mean– it still feels like I just finished my first and longest fic ever, lol. (Don’t know when I’ll stop reeling over that, but know that to this day, I still stop in the middle of whatever I’m doing to go, “OMG, Trickster is completed?!?!?”)
From this fanfic ask game.
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hello. just wanted to say that I love all your works.
funny story, your fic was actually the first ever fanfic that I read. it was a little over a year back, I was in a not-so-good headspace. and just searched up 'yeonjun fanfic' on google lmao just for the heck of it. tried wattpad, was scarred💀 twt was just not for me. and then tried tmblr and was greeted by one of your yeonjun drabbles. ngl, I was a little taken aback at the liberal use of the obscene words lmao. and then since I didn't know how to actually use tmblr, I just read all of your works. and I mean all. so the works that literally don't even exist anymore, I've read them too!
so I've been with your works way back when you were cupidchois. and my tmblr journey began with you so you're like the OG for me lol.
also, the not-so-good-headspace was due to this huge huge life changing entrance exam I had and your fics provided comfort. but when the exam date was too near, I stopped using tmblr for like 3 months.
but before going, I read whatever little part of bewitched you had written and remember thinking that okay when I come back after all this time, it might be a completed series. also, the release date for the yj sugarpapi fic was 14 feb but you said you needed more time. and I thought yeah I'm gonna be gone a long long time. it'll be there when I come back.
if only I knew lol. when I came back you had a brand new blog, half of your fics were missing, sugarpapi never came out, and get this, bewitched had actually gone BACKWARDS because you decided to rewrite it! lmfao, I'm not tryna sound rude or pushy at all. please dont take it the wrong way. the situation was just sooo funny.
so yeah, that's my history with your blog lol.
anywhoo, love your works a whole lot and thank you for introducing me to this hellsite without even knowing it<3
much love<3
... wow 😭😭😭, i’m genuinely struggling to find words to type here. Goodness. This is making me feel so many emotions like kdghfghfgh HOLD AWN 😭
!!! Thank you so much for sending this in, first of all?? This is like a peak moment™ of my tumblr life i’m not even kidding 😭!!! Especially because I kinda ended up joining tumblr in a very similar way, except that my OG was far more consistent than me with their blog and works 😅! Take me back to 2017 pls—
I’m pretty sure a lot of us here actually started out with just searching up fanfics on google and then finding tumblr in the search results. Because same! I did not know something like tumblr existed and my experience with wattpad was equally traumatising 😵; thank god for the hellsite. It sure is very annoying at times but it’s also nice that we can have our own little bubble here!
Lsjskdjkfj “liberal use of the obscene words” IM DYING 😭! Thank you for still reading them though 😭! A part of me is very embarrassed because I’ve... well, grown to find my old stuff very poorly written (hence all the rewriting) but a part of me is? Super fucking flattered? And proud? THANK YOU 🙈🙈
The fact that whatever the fuck I wrote actually provided comfort to a human being is enough for me to just go on and quit everything and live a life of a saint. It’s crazy... I never dared to imagine that my writing could actually do that? Because I always think that whatever I write is pretty forgettable tbh. Like you read it and move on and never think back. Anyway, I hope you are feeling better now, lovely 🥺! I’ve been in similar places throughout my life and damn I know how badly education related pressure fucks you up :(
Ah yes... Bewitched. Sigh. I have a love-hate relationship with that kid. I think I have mentioned this before in some random rant post, but god, rewriting is so hard. Because I spend most of the time regretting how I wrote it instead of the actual fixing and editing and rewriting. I won’t abandon it, but at this rate I’m not sure when I’ll be able to invest myself completely in rewriting either. It’s only harder because my daydreams have no ends and the amount of newer wips that I want to finish and post keeps increasing. And to top it off, there’s ✨real life✨, being an absolute pain in the ass constantly.
Also Sugarpapi 😭! It’s honestly me vs. the unrealistic high standards I’ve set for myself at this point. But you know what? I’ll take my time with it. Because I think taking it slow is better in all aspects. Like yeah, I could just half-ass it and put all the pressure in the world on myself to finish it sometime soon, but we all know that’ll be a mess itself, and will make me one too. It’s coming. I promise. Maybe in another year 💀
“If only I knew” — me at least twice a day skshksjk 😭;; it be like that 🙁! Apologies for the unexpected jump-scares you got from my whole new blog and all :'))
I will eventually repost the works people wanted to be reposted — surprise, almost all of my cupidchois’ masterlist actually ended up there after I rounded everything up (and almost nothing from my bts blog minus the reactions), so there’s that. And, I can’t even explain how much this ask actually means to me. Crazy stuff. Life changing.
Thank you so much!!! I’m sending you a parcel full of positive energy and my love, which is not enough but it’s the best I can do atm </3
#📬; aleyna’s mailbox#jealusty#🌸; my petals!#your username is 🤲🏼#god i actually took more than 30 minutes to write this what#i was just causally checking my notifications before bed and saw your ask#and it made me feel so elite like i felt so important 😆#wow.... thanks again!#i should probably go to sleep now tho kdhkdhk it’s 4:30 am yikes 😳#for safekeeping 💌
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Parasocial Butterflies
Hey there, LAPD Toon Division. Here's the "I don't have a preamble for pony" spiel again. I used it last time, I'm using it this time, I'll probably use it next time! It's a convenient formular, and we both know the preamble is just for me to stall for time anyway. It's just for the formatting! Blog wouldn't look good if I just smacked down the cover and began without so much as a "how do you do?"
Speaking of, here's the cover:
Ah, it's Pipp! Covers like this are in short supply. There's little to dislike here. No small complaints, that's for sure. Anyways, the cover looks sparklier than it is. Like, it really looks like it'd have a glittery texture. It's convincing, that's all I'm saying. Well, that's as little as I have to say on this one. Sorry this section's so short~
So we open with Pipp doing a livestream. Hey, can I rant about the technology for a minute? Like, I get the technology jump. Last Airbender had a big technology jump between series. Heck, in real life, we went from first airplane to landing on the moon in 60 years! Smartphones and such are weird and incongruous for me, but that's not the issue.
My problem is, why would ponies develop technology that relies on touch when they have hooves? Why would technology develop into touchscreens and keyboards for hooved creatures? Call me spoiled by other people's world-building--or even FiM's own--but I feel like they shoulda thought that one through a bit more instead of just defaulting to what the audience would recognise.
Anyways, Pipp's signing off a livestream, and mentions that she wants to do her next update as a text post, since it might be easier to relay her thoughts in that form. Well, that much I can relate to! She spends a long time writing up the whole situation regarding Discord and posts it. It gets some large responses, as you might expect. Doing the numbers, as they say. Golly, if I got even a quarter of her views... But I digress. Pipp gets to thinking: if this true piece of news relayed in a text post did so well, maybe she should continue?
She calls up her mother, the queen whose name I still haven't caught, and asks for her opinion. See, she was thinking about writing about the day she found out she couldn't fly. Her mom is a bit taken aback, because that day was really hard for Pipp, and it's very personal. Pipp agrees it's a bit different from her usual content, but she thinks it's important. Her mom replies that she can do as she likes, she's a grown mare, but she'll always have a place at home to return to if this doesn't go a way she likes. It's all very sweet and supportive. Some good mom-ing!
So Pipp writes up her next post. We don't get to see any of it, of course. But as she hovers over the "post" button... she hesitates. Maybe she needs a few other opinions. Good thing she has a few other friends she can ask. First she swings by Sunny, who is geared up to pull her smoothie cart around. Sunny, however, confesses that she's a bit too distracted by the whole Discord situation to think about anything else, like pull her smoothie cart around. She suggests asking Hitch, since he always has a grounded view of reality. Pipp thanks her anyway and flies off.
Hitch, however, is a bit distracted by trying to guide a couple other ponies to hang a banner in the town square. So with his attention divided, his opinion is that it sounds a bit off-brand from her usual posts. She sadly flies away, murmuring that sometimes a brand can change. Pipp then drops in on Izzy, who's doing some crafting. Pipp mentions she's thinking of crafting a post, and Izzy thinks it's a "brave" idea to speak out about her horrible, embarassing day. It's technically a positive answer, but it's not quite what Pipp wanted to hear.
Pipp returns home and goes to her last resort: her sister, Zipp. She explains the whole deal, and Zip considers it. She understands the heavy implications and what Pipp is trying to do: show folks that it's okay to scared and vulnerable. But even Zipp has some reservations. See, Zipp's not worried about it being "off-brand" necessarily, but whether it's a good idea to open up that much at all. Her online self's supposed to be a persona, yeah? You don't want to open up too much about your private life, or you get the parasocial folks. She just doesn't want Pipp to get hurt. But Pipp's feeling a bit hurt by this response anyway.
But if she's hurt anyway... what's the harm now? So with a steely determination, she posts her draft about her worst day. And... time goes by. Pipp is kind of perplexed. Her post regarding Discord made a hundred-thousand views in about 5 minutes. This one's been up a week now and hasn't even cracked four digits. It's not doing the numbers. Frustrated with the lack of response, she decides maybe just deleting the post would be best. But just as she moves the cursor to the delete button (another invention I don't think would benefit hooves: the computer mouse), she gets a new item in her inbox. What timing!
It's an email from a little unicorn filly named Felicity. She just moved to Maretime Bay, and was scared she wouldn't be able to make friends. So she decides to make things up. She tells her new friends about her life in Bridlewood, but none of it is true. Not her status as a princess, not her skydiving hobby, not her friends of sphinx and dragon, not the trees being made of cotton candy. And inevitably, her new friends found out. Some other pony went visiting Bridlewood on a family vacation, and comes back and spills the beans on poor Felicity.
So Felicity loses her friends. They weren't just angry, they were hurt she hadn't been truthful. Making friends is hard, but making friends and then losing them is harder. But it's then, while alone, that she found Pipp's post online. And here we do get to see a bit of Pipp's post, describing how she felt when everypony found out she'd been faking being able to fly all that time. So Felicity realises she's not the only pony who's ever lied because they were scared they wouldn't be accepted. But she also learned that you can work past that, just as Pipp did by making that post.
The note ends with a thank you, as well as Felicity apologising to her friend group and being welcomed back. So Pipp decides not to delete the post after all, regardless of its small view count. Instead, she makes a video post about her text post. A bit recursive, but okay. Essentially, she relays the message she learned: that she's a multifaceted individual, and she shouldn't be afraid to show all sides of herself. The sad, lonely Pipp and the bubbly, dancing Pipp are all still Pipp. And being authentically Pipp is enough~
Well, this issue’s pretty all right. Pipp’s problem is a relatable one, especially in this modern age. Felicity’s story in particular is very sweet. It’s an all right lesson, though I think Zipp’s fear of parasocialism and maintaining a distance between folks online also has merit. Ultimately, you gotta decided where you draw the line for yourself, and that can be hard to convey in a 20-page comic about talking horses for kids.
Other than that, though, the main problem with the issue is this: like, aren’t they on a time crunch? Literally a week goes by in the span of this issue. Sure hope Discord didn’t decide to permanently destroy magic while Pipp was fretting about her online presence! It’s ultimately fine, and I like the decision to show other things are going on while the main story percolates. I appreciate the attempt at not front-loading the series with a huge story arc. But, like, if you’re not advancing the story, it feels a bit like you’re faffing about. At least Zipp’s sidestory last issue took place only over a single day and had her proactively looking for Discord in the meanwhile. Once again proving she’s the better sister~
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Keep Going
Lukas’ Blog - January 1, 2023 - 5:30PM
Blogging isn’t really a thing anymore, but that isn’t going to deter me from re-starting this one. Sorry about that. I know it’s been a minute since you’ve engaged with one, so I’ll forgive you if you’ve forgotten what to say or do. Let’s just sit here for a moment and relish in the fact that we’re still alive - and both old enough to remember “blogging.”
I remember the first time I found a “blog” - it was in 1999 - and I found the Livejournal of a graphic designer I really liked who was living in New York City. And in 1999, I was living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin - on the East Side, near UWM. If you’ve seen the movie American Movie, the place where Mark edits his film was about a block from my house.
And in 1999, I was a hyper creative high school senior, 17 years old and entering into his final year of school, hoping to be accepted (early acceptance) to NYU so he could pursue his dreams of becoming a filmmaker / comedian / media person (which, hey, I was able to achieve - so that’s damn cool).
And I was into comic books and indie toys and cool stuff and there was this plush toy I bought through Giant Robot magazine - which was a wildly influential magazine on my sensibilities and likes at the time (and hell, probably still is) - and the plush toy came in the mail and the tag to the toy had a URL to the artist’s blog.
Not “Vlog” but blog. Because you couldn’t really host videos at the time. I mean, it wasn’t that normal for people to have websites either. I had a couple sites - I had taught myself how to make stuff in HTML - but I had never seen a blog before. It was a LiveJournal - and I was absolutely stunned. Blown away.
Because I just sat there for days on end and read about this artist’s life. Mundane things and important things, triumphs and tribulations - and I was absolutely enthralled. That I could just see how a normal person lived - and lived, in particular, in New York City. Because that was where I wanted to live.
And I would write down on paper the places the artist would go to - the restaurants, the stores, the bars. And I would just dream - dream I was with him - and feel less alone.
Blogging wasn’t ever something I kept up regularly, but as a consumer, man, did I absolutely love the Blog era. I mean, we talk about Twitter and independent journalists and all that - but in the mid 2000s, I worked for and ran several blogs. And we were making REAL money - off of advertising and merch and other stuff - and it was a grind, but it was an honest one. And we had our own audiences and fans - and some of those people who became fans of mine from that era still follow my work to this day. It’s a trip.
So, I’ve decided to blog again. In short bursts and longer bursts too. I don’t really care how many people read the “blog” per se - though it is important for me to publish these entries. I think that in addition to my various daily / weekly journals I keep for myself - my morning pages, which are like a brain dump right when I wake up, along with my “Simple Diary” - which is a regularly updated, quite personal record of my life for the last couple years or so, I want to begin to craft a public persona - one that I’m okay with sharing with complete strangers.
I had a call with someone about a potential project - something I don’t want to share yet. And on the call, we began to talk about my experience in media and the entertainment industry and it was clear that I really don’t write down or share with anyone my experience.
Now - that’s sort of normal to me? I feel like most people don’t document their lives - or at least they used to not? I suppose social media has turned us all into oversharers, certainly. But like, if you go to Facebook and look at some of the connections you have from your hometown - there are a lot of people who haven’t posted on their social media pages in years. Because this constant deluge of personal information isn’t normal.
And, look, am I normal? No. I’ve always had a skewed perspective on life. I have pushed myself to self promote at many times throughout my life. It’s just that the last couple of jobs I had - my current gig at Westbrook and my previous gig at Viacom - were both sort of “insider” roles that worked best when no one knew the roles existed. The Viacom one was in part because there was a ton of writing we were doing - a lot of it comedy writing - but we weren’t part of the WGA, even though our shows were all signed to the union.
We were just nameless / faceless “Creatives” - sort of ad agency model.
And at Westbrook, working with public figures to craft their digital brands and personas is a very behind the scenes role. If you’re doing your job right, the public figure you work for seems to be generating this content and this digital brand from thin air, seemingly effortlessly so.
Which - at times, is true (okay that’s never true). But at times it’s like, well if I tooted my own horn here, it would actually hurt my whole business model.
Now - we have evolved what we do at Westbrook Media a considerable amount - yes we still help some public figures with their social media, but we mostly get paid to MAKE CONTENT. And I think just about anyone would know that making content takes a lot of effort - both hard effort - like writing and planning and editing and shooting and all that - as well as soft effort - like strategic thinking and positioning and making sure your clients are making the RIGHT content and not just making what they think is going to be hot.
And I’ve realized that in both the hard and soft labors at my current gig - managing an incredible team of creatives who are truly some of the smartest and most innovative thinkers I’ve ever been able to work with - it doesn’t help anyone for me, as the boss, to set the example of being the humble behind the scenes guy. Because then everyone feels the pressure to have that dance - should I take credit? Should I not?
It’s tough! But rather than “take credit” I think I want to try to begin to focus my energies on exploring the things I’m struggling with - the things I’m excited about - and using my work, and my experience, and my day to day life (with a lot of discretion) as the medium to explore these topics, knowing that my life may be a good example for other people.
So - this is to say I’m excited to be back in the business of writing and publishing written content in this space. I will likely attempt to turn these posts into audio / video things as well at some point, though my space is not clean enough or well laid out at the moment, and the anxiety of showing off my messiness would be too great to bear and I’d explode into a million pieces or something.
Regardless, I am in my space - and I am lucky to have a space to create things in. Both in my professional as well as my personal / creative life. And I do not take that for granted.
I remember quite clearly the five years when I was living in my mom’s attic, working from home, constantly grinding to try to freelance and publish content and become a writer - and how painful it all felt - and how isolating it all was.
Look - people definitely can go longer than five years to try to crack through - and I had some positive experience mixed in with those painful ones - but from when I graduated college, in 2004, until I landed as a junior writer/producer at Spike TV in 2009, I can say without a doubt I skated quite close to the edge of fully giving up on my dreams. And every time I tried to pursue something BIG or CREATIVE or IMPORTANT - like the screenplay I wrote with my former boss, or my stage play, or the podcasts I tried to launch at the time, or the sketches or digital content I was trying to submit, or the numerous late night TV packets I was writing and submitting every single day - it would always blow up in my face.
Now, looking back, it was amazing that none of that stuff worked out - because I was clearing out my mind of all the horrible, bad ideas I carried around with me while getting the experience of DOING THE WORK…
I was learning how to write screenplays and how to direct videos and edit and all that - skills I still use to this day, in a much more professional setting - but learning how to do those things in practical ways that school could never teach you. And thankfully, none of my output was good, so the cringe-y and stupid ideas I was churning out will hopefully never be seen by anyone.
I can look back at my isolation and loneliness and anger at that time with fondness - knowing that I was growing so quickly, even though it didn’t feel like it.
And maybe you’re at home, feeling like you’re hitting your head against a wall over and over again - maybe you’re publishing content that no one seems to care about, or you’re applying to job after job and no one cares. It SUCKS. I know what that feels like.
But if you can somehow orient your mind around gaining those SOFT SKILLS in the process - and understanding that a few years of obscurity will allow you to be BETTER - well maybe it won’t be so painful all the time.
The surprises in store for us in 2023 are going to be painful - it’s going to be extra hard for people to get things SEEN and to get things MADE. Our normal modes of selling content, our normal ways of distributing things to audiences - it’s all going to feel so lost and so pointless. So we damn well better focus on the GROWTH and not the SUCCESS. Because otherwise, I’m telling you, every day is gonna feel more painful than the last.
And the goal of making stuff is to feel less painful - less judged, less alone. So if the stuff you’re making is just making you feel more lonely, more rejected, it’s gonna push you to give up your dreams. And that would be a damn tragedy. Because you never know who’s moved by your stuff - you never know who needs an encouraging word. You never know who’s at their wit’s end and feels utterly isolated and alone.
Yknow, how I felt less alone as a teenager in Milwaukee, reading those entries back in 1999. In some ways, all the therapy and personal work I’ve done to transform myself over the last 2 or so years has done something remarkable - it’s made me actually REMEMBER more. And it’s given me a helluva lot of empathy for myself in those vulnerable and quieter moments.
I kept a diary after I fell in love with blogging, with the hope of turning it into a blog one day. It was the year 2000 and I was a Freshman at NYU at that point. I lived on 10th street and Broadway in a dorm called Brittany Hall. Which at the time was the only dorm with no air conditioning.
We lived in these big, concrete rooms - 3 of us, me and my two roommates. And we were all so hopelessly depressed and horny. Wanting to meet new people - yearning for life - knowing we were at the precipice of a new life experience (which ultimately was 9/11 - which happened the next year - we just didn’t know it yet).
And I kept this journal - and the entries were PAINFUL. They were overwrought and filled to the margins with grumpiness and sourness and angst and WANT and DESIRE.
But they were fucking VULNERABLE too. And as I began to make friends - I had a sketch group from the Upright Citizens Brigade and we would hang out at Max Fish - and I had a job teaching kids writing and reading and became friends with my co-workers - and I got an internship at Mass Appeal magazine, and joined The Plague - our college humor magazine - as I began to form a more confident persona, I would look back at those vulnerable journal entries and WRETCH from embarrassment.
And when I graduated from college, I hid those journals for a while - until one day, actually in 2010, a year after getting my “break” in the industry and in the process of moving from Long Island (where my mother had been living - long story, she moved from Milwaukee) to Brooklyn (to the place I still live in to this day in BK), I took the notebooks and, instead of packing them, I tore the pages of the diary entries to shreds and threw them in the trash.
Because I was mortified that I was ever that lonely and desperate and in pain. Because it had been so long since I had felt that way.
But now, 13 years later, I’m really, really mad at myself for having done that. Pain is a real feeling. We don’t find ourselves confronting “real” things that often. And I wish I could look back and thumb the spines of those notebooks and glaze my finger over my handwriting - which hasn’t changed in decades - and try to connect with that little boy who was in pain - and tell him it’s going to be okay. Because it was going to be okay - it was okay. He ended up being just fine.
And I disrespected him by throwing away his journal entries. The ones he cared about.
Which I forgive myself for doing, but man, do I regret having done that. We don’t so often leave ourselves a trail of bread crumbs back to our past experiences. So when we do - when we write in journals or keep up a blog or whatever - we’ve gotta cherish those things and let them be.
This “blog” doesn’t have to be anything other than a dumping ground for missives and dumb ideas - again, a place where I can quietly shape my public persona, which I so desperately need to craft and then use for the next chapter of my life.
But I’m not going to disrespect the space. I promise myself that now.
Anyways, I’m going to do some other writing now - this was honestly really nice. Hopefully I can keep it up - and perhaps it’ll be something you find useful or helpful or interesting. And if not, then I’m sorry.
By the way, the artist whose livejournal I fell in love with was Mumbleboy. It looks like his early entries are gone, just like my old journals.
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Getting some shit off my chest…
Soooo, back in May there was some drama in the Fexi fandom. Far more than I originally realized and I had no idea what had happened in the wider fandom until recently (tbh I still don’t fully understand it).
Anyway, I had just been on a little break while I was on holiday/vacation. At this time, I had written 18 fics for the fandom in 3 months. I thought that was wild, I was pretty proud of myself. Before I went on holiday I had started another fic but wasn’t ready to post it while I was on holiday. As many of you know, I like to post chapters with short breaks (preferably daily) and the fic was only half written.
During this time, someone else posted a fic with the exact premise as my WIP — not that shocking as it’s a fanfic trope. I was gutted and made a post on tumblr to ask for people’s opinions regarding posting a fic with a similar premise. The consensus seemed to be that it was okay as long as I acknowledged it in my fic and maybe reached out to the writer of the other fic. In retrospect, I wish I had reached out and more explicitly acknowledged it in the authors note of my fic.
Around a week after posting my fic, drama began unfolding and there was a lot of vague-posting from one corner of the fandom, alluding to plagiarising. They called it “lifting” and said they had “no concrete evidence” to “accuse” anyone.
To make a long story short, I approached the person vague-posting as I considered them to be a friend in the fandom and was worried I had upset someone with my most recent fic. I was then told that “people” had been noticing similarities between my first ever Fexi fic and another popular fic in the fandom, my most recent fic, and other smaller things. The list of “plagiarisms” ranged from what I thought to be petty things — referencing the same songs, talking negatively about baby names that I had forgotten had been used in another fic?? — to complaints about the format and content of my first story.
I was taken aback because I had never experienced this in a fandom before. None of the similarities were intentional on my part and every fandom I’ve been a part of has developed it’s own non-canon “tropes” that appear in fanfic i.e. Fez calling Lexi “ma”, Fez and Lexi break up and reunite years later
I acknowledged the similarities in my first fic and apologized to my fandom friend. However, the person who made the accusation had not spoken to me directly about it and I don’t know if the message was passed on.
Since then, I have been laying low. Honestly, I was embarrassed and felt like a lot of the accusations were unfair and petty. I was paranoid too — I started screenshotting my outlines with a time stamp so I had “proof” of when my idea was conceived and started telling another fandom friend about my ideas so she could vouch for me. It was nuts.
I also stand by my original fic — it was far more violent and dark than the other popular fic, and while the formats were similar, it is a past/present format that I and others have used in other fandoms. I’ve been writing fanfic for 14 years (since I was 13!). I’ve written in multiple (cringe) fandoms — Twilight, Gossip Girl, American Horror Story, fucking Riverdale — under pseudonyms and have used this format. It is not new within fanfic or any other media.
That being said, I clearly upset someone. I’ve been informed that today, the writer who had an issue with me has made a post about the fandom and harassment in their personal life. I have also been mentioned in this post re: plagiarism, without being named. They have said it’s their right to talk about it on their blog and it’s my right to address being accused on mine.
I have now written over 500k words of fanfic in this fandom. I’ve written 42 completed fics — some original ideas, ideas inspired by other media, and prompts from other members of the fandom. I don’t think I’m lacking in originality here and I think the amount I have written is evidence that any similarities that have appeared are coincidence, or just tropes and formats that are common within fanfic. I have also noticed similarities between my own fics and others and have no issue with this. There’s only so much you can do with a couple who had 15 mins of screentime!
Apologies for how long and rambling this is. This has been weighing on me for three months now and I really did think about quitting the fandom, which sucks because I love it here. Some people talk of toxicity but I have so much fun in this fandom 🤷🏼♀️ I think negativity comes from vague-posting and things not being addressed directly. And yet, here I am, kind of vague-posting because arguments on the internet never ever get resolved. I just want to move on from this and to do that I need to get this off my chest.
Also, I’m turning off anon. I don’t want to get harassment so I’m not leaving myself open to it.
So there, I’ve said my peace. Again, I’m sorry to whoever has been upset by my writing. It wasn’t intentional. But I’m going to continue writing and minding my business and hope you all enjoy my shit.
Cheers, Meg ✌️
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Barbie rewatch - Barbie Dolphin Magic
Right, so I began my Barbie marathon with one of the newer movies. I had never seen this one before, and without the nostalgia to make me enjoy it, I wasn’t sure I was going to like watching it that much at all. But I was wrong! It’s a children’s movie, obviously, but it’s still pretty entertaining. I really like the laid back summer vibes, and though the plot is sort of bland the characters and their dynamics are interesting enough to carry the movie well enough.
(There will be spoilers from now on) Something that really stood out to me was how this is probably the one Barbie movie with mermaids where Barbie isn’t the mermaid. It makes sense, since this movie is one of those where we see Barbie’s sisters, which means it’s is more of a real world sort of setting? Anyway, it was super fun to see Barbie bond with this girl who knew absolutely Nothing about life on land and try to pretend that was normal. The scene where she finds put about Isla being a mermaid, though, that was amazing and probably my favorite scene in the whole movie. I mean, the necklace being activated by a dolphin was sort of anticlimactic, and I felt like there were more interesting ways to make Barbie find out, but what followed was still very good.
On a side note, I love Barbie’s sisters so much! They all have such distinct personalities without being those rigid archetypes with only one trait. For example, Stacey was annoyed at not being able to practice any extreme sports and similar activities, which are her jam, but she isn’t portrayed as whiny or one track minded about it. Instead, she turns to people watching, and is shown to be grateful for Barbie giving her a good tool to do that. Skipper also clearly is a nerdy stay at home sort of person, but she still goes out and does stuff and bonds with other people, thankfully not fitting into the “annoying teen” mold which I’m honestly so tired of seeing. Her technology even helps the plot!
Lastly just a small comment on the art style... the cgi is obviously a lot better than in older movies, but I need to ask, why are their eyes so big??? Seriously, the eyes are freaking huge and it scared me a bit.
Gay thoughts: In this part I’m going to point out the things about the movie that come across as allowing for lgbt interpretation to me, so be warned. Well, I think I was up to a good start with this one! There is definitely some potential between Barbie and Isla, and I can’t possibly be making this up. This is one of those cases where making a little imagination exercise and putting a boy in the place of one of the girls will make you realize that the plot would definitely be setting them up as a couple were they not two womenً. Like seriously, right at their first meeting they have a cute interaction and chemistry, and I’m not even joking when I say there was romantic sounding music in the background. Barbie immediately becomes fond of her and invites her over to hang out with her? Like imagine you’re one of Barbie’s sister and she suddenly appears with a random girl saying “this is my new friend, she’ll be spending the night here :))”.
Now, all of Isla and Barbie’s interactions are super cute, but nothing beats the gosh darn transformation scene. Like?? Since this is my stupid gay rambling and I owe no one nothing, I’m just going to go ahead and say that it feels like a coming out scene. Isla was so scared of Barbie not being okay with it and happy when Barbie accepted with no issues (add that to the fact that Barbie then asked Isla to teach her how to swim like a mermaid. Hm. You can definitely get a metaphor out of this if you want to.), it resonated so much with the coming out experience. Also, Isla asked Barbie not to tell anyone, not even her sisters, because even though she did trust her sisters the more people who knew a secret, the more likely it was to get out, and if that’s not relatable idk what is. Plus the quote “people tend to not understand other’s differences” (or something among those lines, I can’t remember exactly) hit a little too close to me.
There was also another scene that felt so much like a break up??? And in the middle of the climax Barbie’s first worry was making things up with Isla??? No seriously, I could not make up how gay the last 20 minutes of this movie are if I tried.
Sure, Ken is in this movie as Barbie’s boyfriend (and as a marine biologist. That was weird, I don’t think I’d ever seen him be anything other than Barbie’s Boyfriend jdbfjhfjf), but they have very few interactions and honestly? Not that great of a chemistry. He is essentially a plot device for the Barbie family to be near the dolphin, and in the moments he actually talks to Barbie it feels more like a “childhood friends” thing than a “significant other” thing. Tbh Barbie and Ken look so much alike that I’d even go as far as to say their relationship gives me some sibling-esque vibes.
Now the last thing I have to say is probably a lot of a stretch but I still want to mention it. I probably only saw this because I have my rainbow goggles on (I mean, the whole point of this marathon is to watch the Barbie movies through queer eyes), but the villain looks kind of lesbian coded. Something about her haircut and demeanor reminds me of the “mean butch” stereotype. On one side, that’s something so subtle that it probably wasn’t intentional (if anything they probably meant to make Marlo a Karen sort of person), and on the other, it’s kind of sad that the one character without a cookie cutter appearance is the villain. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still white and thin (but if you squint she’s a little less skinny than the rest of the gang), but it would still have been nice to at least have someone else in the good guys’ side with a similar style.
Well I guess that’s all I wanted to say! Good to see Barbie movies have been doing well since I stopped keeping up with them. Hopefully I can start Rapunzel tonight
#okay just one post in this blog because I began writing here and I’m too lazy to copy it onto the Barbie blog#Barbie’s sisters being like “’damn our older lesbian disaster sibling picked up another girl from the streets’#Barbie rewatch#Barbie#Barbie dolphin magic#Barbie movies#tw: queer#long post
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