Ngl I know nothing about MCR so when I suddenly saw half my dash to wild about GW all I thought was "isn't that the dude from the my immortal fic?"

SDFHSDJFGHSJFSD GFJS I MEAN,, HE IS-

anon please you don't even understand how funny this is after the night i've been having, thank you so much /gen

*PLEASE IGNORE whats written below i just wanted to rant*

*I mean it please ignore i couldn't write all this on notes app hence rambled it all here, it wont make sense ignore*

my closest relationships are getting weird and fucked up rn. i cant explain. some not getting along with each other. some not getting along with me. something is my fault but its apparently not clear what is but im supposed to be apologetic and make it better because ive maybe done something to make them get weird vibes and emotionally distant from me and it sucks so much because idk man idk whats going on. this has been going on for more than a month its such a negative and exhausting episode. i know time will make it all better i have submitted my faith in the process now because im just done at this point. i dont have much energy left in me to deal with this many feelings and thoughts and fuck ups at once. i cant even say it all out loud irl because it'll feel like im victimizing myself or invalidating their concerns and their drained energy or overreacting or being dramatic or whatever. I just feel extremely misunderstood. Everybody is at fault, everybody is irritated and everybody is disappointed in each other in one way or the other here so there's no black and white here. But at this point idek if im wrong or right for feeling this way. I just want this episode to be over as soon as possible and over for once and all.

I AM JUST DONE. I CAN'T ANYMORE. I cant process anything anymore i cant tolerate all this dark weird aura im getting from everyone anymore (the irony is they seem to get it from me so uk its a loop)

I love these people. I just want everyone and everything to be okay and warm between us all. I am really putting my trust in time. I am tired. I want to talk it all out, let all my feelings and opinions and anger and disappointment and apologies and tears and everything out, to someone who'll get me. But at the risk of sounding cliche, no one will get me rn. Everybody will have a taunt to give, a comment to pass, subtly invalidating why im feeling this. I have no one to go to rn and its sad. Matlab i do have more friends but i cant talk about all this to anyone which makes it more frustrating.

*if by any chance you read it all out of curiosity, erase this from your memory, you didnt even see it okay?*

saeran after end after thought

it took me a ducking month and some change because i had to farm hourglasses. when i started playing i kept getting the bad ends and i got so frustrated i didn’t touch the app for two weeks. i had to consult a guide to finally reach the end.

i wanted to play this because i needed to see where jihyun ended up and... well... we all know what happened there. anyway...

i have many thoughts and feelings about this ae. i don’t know if i can ever properly organise them, but i’ll put it in bullet points for now. this is my personal feelings, not any kind of fact. i have nothing against nearly anything and anyone (character or real) involved in this game. i’ll always love and appreciate them for being in this game, for creating this game, for giving us something to love for the past four or five years.

these thoughts are rather unfiltered. this is me coming out hours after finishing the ae. i might change my mind after letting it marinate for a while and after reading up some more about it.

it’s all under the cut. it’s long and rambling. there’s no need to read this, really; the ae is a month old after all, but i just needed to get this out. also, it’s salty as hell. literally saltier than the dead sea. it will dehydrate you... best to not bother with this.

also spoilers.

1. during the first playthrough the game mechanics were wonderful, novel, and immersive. but years later and for the sake of an ae? unnecessary. it’s too long. it’s too much work. i did my due when i played the game during ray’s route. why do i also have to work for something that should have been my reward? why do i still have to worry about hearts, choices, and game branches? why do i have to go through multiple endings? it’s an after end. it’s after the ending.

of course i love new content, i love more content, but not like this. and i know i sound super entitled. if i was impatient i should have justt read the wiki, but i wanted the experience, but not this specific experience. lucky it’s the pandemic and i have more time on my hands, but in normal circumstances my life is very different from what it was in 2016. i can’t be waiting for chats and making plans around it to get to the after ending. honestly i expected something like the secret ends or even similar to the style of jihyun’s ae... but no. apparently, chertiz thinks it’s fun to make us spend three and a half days to reach an AFTER END.

2. saeran choi needs love... but, in my opinion, not ours. not mc’s. the love he needs is his brother’s. the person he needs most is saeyoung choi. he’s suffered so much, endured many things no person should ever endure. of course he deserves romantic love, but i feel like he needed to recover first. that’s why after all this im firmly in the very bare, maybe even empty camp of preferring secret end saeran choi over ray route saeran choi.

3. never in my life has a game made me exhausted about the act of forgiveness. i feel a little sick. it’s terrible to say that, i know, but i am just so emotionally exhausted. there is this heavy feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry because i feel like i somehow destroyed a part of myself?

first it’s the saviour in jihyun’s ae. it’s still her in this ae. but in addition to that there’s also the prime minister? when does it stop? at this point we might as well forgive the twins’ mother too. she imprisoned her own sons to benefit from their father; beat the shit out of and starved saeran to the point that he wanted to die, but there must be a reason behind it, right? like all the villains in this game her choices are not her own; they are the product of their circumstances and we have to understand that.

i just... i understand what cheritz is trying to convey here. and granted saeyoung is not as forgiving, but this isn’t his story. it felt like the forgiveness was nearing some extreme by the end of it. i don’t think there’s anything wrong if you’e unable to forgive. if the only way for you to move forward is to not do so i feel that’s valid. as long as you’re not hurting anyone and that you’re not hurting yourself, you do whatever you need to recover. forgiving is not the only way, the noble way. not everyone’s backstory you have to understand and take into consideration in order to move on. even if they realise what they did was wrong, it’s okay not to forgive. sometimes that’s what we need to take care of ourselves.

im rambling on this point, but im going through this currently. it’s not as extreme as the choi twins or the rfa, but all my life i’ve been forgiving and understanding and it chipped away at me. even at my expense i forgave everything and it landed me in a place im struggling to get out of. i needed justice and this ae didn’t give me a bit of that... at least not in the way i needed.

4. cheritz said this is the grand finale, but... it didn’t feel like it? again this is me being entitled, but i expected something more. something bigger. something poignant because after this mystic messenger is over. i expected some kind of epilogues in the form of story modes. of course i appreciate everything the company has done, especially the efforts of the writers, artists, voice actors, and everyone, but... it’s so rushed? it such a short farewell that instead of getting catharsis and satisfaction i felt... drained. and i feel sad that it’s all over because im not ready to say goodbye and that goodbye is far too short for me.

i don’t know im just sad it’s all over.

also, the conclusion they come to is the dissolution of the rfa once everyone found their happy ending. i... this is a group that has been through some shit and that doesn’t make them closer somehow? the rfa app lies neglected and abandoned as everyone moves on with their lives? that is so... lonely? at least for me.

i mean, of course, not all endings have to be necessarily happy in the “everyone gets together once a week for dinners” kind, but i just... i dont know i expected them to be closer somehow. maybe they are. maybe outside the app they’re all closer, but... i don’t know. i feel sad they’re abandoning the app.

5. and then there’s kim jihyun.

and im... i dont know anymore. if you know me, follow me, or have read any of my fics you know im a jihyun fan. i love that man and YES i know his sins. we all do.

as i played the ae i started to hope that he’d die in the end instead of suffering through this egregious character assassination. yes, i literally preferred that he died and that i go through that pain instead of suffering whatever this is. obviously i dont want him to die, but this is like killing him anyway. they killed the essence of him, who he is as a person. hell, they probably killed him already and just installed a stranger in the ae because that v is not our v. all throughout the game he’s been kind and compassionate and selfless. his whole thing is about protecting the rfa, the mc, saving the saviour, and sacrificing himself for them. this is the idiot who gives you his hearts when you’re being actively nice to his abuser and saeran in his route. his ultimate happy ending involves everyone being happy, reunited, and given the proper mental care. he went away for two years, putting a much needed pause in your budding relationship, not only to recover from his trauma, but also to rescue saeran and help him recover too.

yes, v enabled the saviour even before another story. he lied. he put everyone in danger. he’s reckless and he keeps secrets way more than what’s natural. but he will never let any of them come to harm. my memory is fuzzy but im sure he never lets the rfa get in danger. he was devastated when yoosung got injured. he also tried to rescue seven and mc in the secret ends thats why he got shot. this guy always looks out for everyone. 

in what world is he okay with drugging the twins? making deals with the villains? the idea of trapping the twins in the saviour’s delusional, twisted family life? he’s not the type to be okay just standing there when his best friend’s life is falling apart or for even causing it. when zen, jaehee, and yoosung get backed into the corner he wouldn’t have been just idle. but in this ae all he does is play stacking chairs, buy strawberry yoghurt, and echo the saviour’s words like a puppet. he asks only mc to save herself and like... jesus christ he never gets a break. he doesn’t even get the same gesture of forgiveness everyone and their father gets. he goes through a trial and jail, which is fair enough, but he’s also a victim of abuse and suffering and despair and mental illness. but somehow because it’s v it’s okay that this is all he gets. somehow he doesn’t deserve any compassionate resolution.

literally the only time he’s happy is his route and after end and even then that happiness is not his own. even then there were concessions to be made before he could get it.

seriously. it seems like cheritz hates him. they think little to nothing of him. if that’s the case why even make content for him? he’s not even meant to be romanceable in the original stories. they could’ve just ignored the petitions and left him as a side character. i mean, i dont know if i prefer that honestly, i do appreciate the content we got, but as his fan it hurts to see all this half-hearted decisions. and to see all this hate still pouring out for him, now magnified because of this ae.

this is like a tiring odyssey, starting way back when he got shot and killed all because he loved someone. he loved the wrong person and it’s the wrong kind of love and he committed his crimes because of it. he had a hand in making the rfa and mc suffer, but still all he did was love. and i know that sounds blind and naive and ignorant and im sorry for not picking up the nuances of his relationship with the saviour, but that’s all i saw. i saw a guy loving the wrong person and it made him make all the wrong choices leading to a bad life.

gah. i am drained people. i am drained, and frustrated, and tired.

Tougher than this.

Guzmán x Ander

Request by @lovexfanx : They’re both in The Military and that tough times mentally and emotionally made them realize their true feelings towards each other. They always thought they’re just friends but being put through a hard time like that together they realize they’ve always been in love ❤️

Gif is not my own

Requests are open🤍

The wind came swooping in to give them another threatening blow as the rain hammered down like mockery around the group. They’d lost count of the time they’d been out here, lost hope of ever reaching the last circuit of training. That’s all it had been today. You run, you stop and do the weight training, and you run some more. All in a relentless effort to make soldiers out of school kids.

“You think the weather goes easy on you out there?” The sergeant yells as the group reach the training field once again.

They’re all breathless, drained, some seemingly half-lifeless.

“I need fight, heart, strength from each and every one of you. And if you don’t believe you can give me those qualities,” The sergeant explains as he paces up and down the wooden stage, “You hand in your number and you get off my team - is that understood?”

The group all collectively respond before they’re finally told to go inside. Nobody lets out any level of exposing their relief. Everyone keeps their shoulders high, their chins up and their composure maintained as they walk back to the compound to shower.

Guzmán glances around at the team and looks at a few faces that he’d picked up on distinctly over the past few weeks. One girl had it in her to tear apart all of the people here, she seemingly had no compassion or empathy and she’d made that continuously clear. Another boy had cried every night for the first week that he’d been there and hadn’t managed to speak to many of the team at all. Guzmán was lucky that he had Ander. The two boys that had stuck by each other through school and now through this. Only this threw more at them than Las Encinas ever could. Losing Polo had changed the two of them beyond repair so, when the opportunity arose to join the military, they’d grasped the chance like it was the only hope they had left. That, and each other.

Ander had been far from his normal self recently as he’d begun to distance from everyone around him, becoming quieter and slowly but surely building himself into more and more of a reserved soldier. Guzmán was worried about him. That boy had been through enough, he feared what went on in his head as soon as he had the time alone.

“Ander!” Guzmán calls as he sees his friend walking into the showers before him.

Ander glances over and nods his head a little to acknowledge Guzmán. No words.

“You okay man?” Guzmán asks, “I know it was tiring out there today but you looked like you were in good shape.”

“I’m good,” Ander nods, “I’ll catch you later.”

With that, he grabs his things and goes to one of the vacant showers. Guzmán stands there hopelessly for a while before turning back and following to do the same.

Something wasn’t right about Ander and it killed him to think that he couldn’t do anything to help. That would be worse than anything this regime could throw at him - losing his best friend.

- - - - - -

The next morning, Ander is up and out running before sunrise. He gets in a quick 10km before any of the other students are up. He needed that. He needed to know that he was putting in the effort beyond what that sergeant told him.

Speaking of...

“Mr Muñoz!” It’s one of the generals, though he couldn’t remember her name, “Were you told to be out this early?”

Ander slows down to a stop and stands to attention, “No ma’am.”

She looks him up and down, “Any reason why you’re out before the sun then?”

“Just couldn’t sleep ma’am,” Ander is bashful for being a soldier, they’d all noticed how much he introverted himself around the group - only really ever speaking to Guzmán, who was much more of the extrovert.

“Why are you here, Muñoz?” She pries, “At ease.”

He relaxes his stance and lets his eyes fall to the floor, “I wanted a way to prove myself. I’ve been weak for this past year, I lost somebody I cared about and I became a different person.”

“And do you believe you can prove yourself?” She questions, “You’ll become weak if you find yourself dwelling on your past.”

He doesn’t respond. It was true. Losing Polo was a wake up call, as well as him almost losing his own life.

“Get yourself some rest, recruit. No good soldier is built on self-depreciating methods.”

Ander follows her suggestion and heads back into the dorms. He slept on the bunk below Guzman’s and always managed to zone in on the soft snores from above him instead of the noise from everywhere else. It was like that one piece of home he kept with him. Up until recently, he’d been happy to keep that home with him. But now, things were different. And the thought of getting Guzmán wrapped up in all of that felt like the worst mistake he could make. So, he lays back on his bunk and instead tunes into the noises of the room around him, focusing on anything he could that didn’t include the boy just a few feet above.

- - - - - -

Guzmán notices more and more the little changes in Ander. Like how he’d been making his bed in the morning instead of waiting until Guzmán was up so that he could steal one of his pillows to sleep with one extra. Or how he’d been eating in the communal cafeteria instead of waiting for Guzmán and suggesting that they eat outside together. He hadn’t called home to his Mum at all, and he’d not been taking any opportunity when they had time to rest. He was keeping himself as focused as possible.

Today, he couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to know where his best friend had gone.

“Ander!” He calls him before Ander can have the chance to leave the locker room.

They’d been getting ready for a formal dinner tonight and Ander had been silent in the corner for the entire time they were getting changed.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” Guzmán comments to the girl beside him, someone he’d been spending more time with since Ander had distanced.

She nods and walks out with the rest of the group - leaving only Ander and Guzmán.

“What’s going on with you man?” Guzmán sighs, “We’re supposed to talk to each other about this sort of stuff now.”

“I’m fine Guzmán, I told you I am,” He shrugs, “Just tired from all this training.”

“No, no, no, you’ve been tired from waking up two hours earlier and going for a run before training even starts. Or going to the gym when we’re supposed to be having a break, from not finishing your meals,” Guzmán lists, “It’s nothing to do with normal training.”

“I’m trying my fucking best Guzmán!”

It’s the most emotion he’s heard from him in a long time.

“I’m trying my best and I’m still not doing as well as I should be. I’m not as good as you, or as half of the group out there,” He gestures aimlessly in the direction of the door, “I’m doing everything I can!”

His bottom lip quivers as his body lets out an involuntary sob and he falls forward onto Guzmán. Guzmán stumbles but holds him there like he’s looking at someone completely different to the boy he’d came here with.

“I can’t afford to be weak Guzmán.”

Guzmán pushes him away and holds Anders head in his hands, “Dont say that. You’re not weak. You’ve proven that.”

“I don’t just mean pulling myself up a fucking rope or carrying a barrel on my back,” Ander pushes Guzman’s hands away and takes a stumbling step backwards, “I can’t afford to have any weakness.”

“What weakness have you got? We’re all young, we’re all struggling we-“

“Im talking about you!” Ander raises his voice and it makes the room fall flat around them - silence surrounding the two boys.

“Me?” Guzman’s voice cracks.

“You’re the one piece of home I have here, and yeah, it didn’t feel any different than us being friends with anyone else here. We’d be there to support each other. But that’s not what it is anymore,” Ander shakes his head repeatedly, “I can’t see you like that anymore and that’s a problem. I can’t afford to-“

Guzmán steps forward and cups Anders face again, scanning his face until their eyes meet, “What are you saying man?”

Ander swallows the lump in his throat, “I can’t afford to lose another person I love.”

“You’re not losing me Ander. Ever.”

“How can you be sure of that? Look at where we are! Look at where we’re going to be after this! You think we have space in all of that for each other? For us to not just think of each other as someone to go to war with?”

Guzmán takes in a deep breath, “I’m not saying it’s easy, and I’m not saying we can be sure of anything. But if losing Polo taught me anything, its that there’s never a good enough reason to not tell someone how you feel. I should’ve told him I forgave him long before that night. And, for you, I don’t want to tell you how I feel when it’s too late. So if that makes us weak, then so be it. But I’d rather be weak than alone.”

Ander grabs Guzmán and pulls him to him, arms wrapping around the boy as the two of them hug each other like they were falling apart under each other’s grip.

“So what if that makes us weak?” Guzmán whispers, pressing a soft, cautious kiss to the tip of Anders nose, “I love you Ander, that’s all that matters.”

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

okay now that issue 6 is out and ive read the thing like 3 times, im gonna do my full review/breakdown of the zed comic and allll my thoughts on it.

no screenshots bc i dont want this to be longer than it is already, and also im not gonna talk about the art itself either. this is simply about the characters, the story, and how that relates to the lore of league itself.

all of this is my opinion, you can agree or disagree with me whatever, yadda yadda lets begin

ISSUE ONE

Probably the best one? In my opinion. The lack of expectations really helped this one not suck. Also the most consistent when it comes to characters personalities, comparing them to the in-game voice lines from league and the card game.

There are scenes in issue 1 that almost foreshadow, or at least reference, the events of Issue 6, specifically Zed looking up to the statue of Kusho, and how Zed kills Althon vs how Zed kills Kusho later on.

The dialogue between Shen and Akali is.. a little clunky? Shen’s dialogue is just a little. formal. but to the point that he sounds like he’s lecturing a stranger, not talking to a former student.

Jhin giving Zed his scalpel from 19 years ago is a neat detail that I wish they used more in the story. Sure, we can assume now that Jhin probably only got it because Kusho gave it to him at some point after releasing him- which means that the scalpel is one of the many wasted plot opportunities I’ll bring up here. Part of the appeal of that scene, if only just for me, was the idea that Jhin stole it from Zed while he wasn’t looking. I remember people pointing out background characters and being like “but what if that’s Jhin there! what if he was there all along!!”  But that has now been thrown out the window.

A thing I wish they did was shown more of Jhin’s ‘performances’, even if only in a montage. To show more of the impact this had on Zed and Shen, the strain it put on them mentally and emotionally, and how it affected their relationship. But I understand time and probably page restraints. So whatever about that.

Again, I think this was the best one. Set up the story well, showed why everything happening is important for the character. Neat, cool. Let’s move on

ISSUE 2

Seeing the bodies was pretty fucked up, but tbh? That shit vibed. It’s one of those things I hoped they were gonna do and they did. The bodies looking like porcelain with gold blood?? And the peacock feathers???? Thats fuckin cool as hell.  Then they never did it again.

In the flashback comes one of the worst fucking things in this comic. Yevnai.

Listen I adore Yevnai as a character, one of my favourites to come from the comic. You know, in the ONE ISSUE SHE ACTUALLY SHOWS UP IN????? She shows up as simply conflict between Shen and Zed (which never actually comes up mind you), as bait for Jhin, and for? Zed to show that he can sense magic from her kids to show that she’s been cheating on her husband with Quno the vastayan servant (bc we know Zed hates vastaya i guess?). oh and Guess What? the sensing magic thing also doesn’t show up again. 

Oh and Jhin follows Zed to Yevnai’s place. But nothing happens from that.

Issue 2 was good, but just a total waste imo. A lot of plot points set up only to never happen again. Best things about it were dead bodies, Jhin’s tiny Zed and Shen puppets, and the knowledge that Shen still writes letters to Yevnai :’(

ISSUE 3

I got so fucking pissed when this issue came out, no shit. They took the events of The Man With The Steel Cane and just. Threw it out the window. I did a whole other post about my issues with it so I won’t just rewrite the same shit twice. But I had to actually stop reading and pace angrily for a bit. I HATE issue 3 bro.

The scene with Kusho :) . Good to know that was now a waste of misdirection because EVERYONE seemed to call that Kusho was still alive. What bullshit. But I’ll get to that.

The inconsistencies in character really show in this one. And that connects to it being a shitty rewrite of The Man With The Steel Cane. They probably wanted a fight between Shen and Zed by this point, being halfway through the comic, and just shoved it in there. Doesn’t mean I’m not mad about it.

Akali and Kayn’s dialogue was probably the best thing in the entire issue. I don’t vibe with Akali/Kayn as a ship personally, but it got a giggle out of me im ngl.

Akali attacking Zed. I guess yeah sure she would. Fits her whole “fuck you i wont do what you tell me shen” vibe. But SHEN? calling off the armistice between the yánléi and kinkou due to the actions of one of HIS ex-students?? Shen would never. Let’s add another point to the ‘This Is Really Out Of Character’ board!

The sworn and witnessed scene was nice, it’s what Kayn deserves. Finally knowing the Kashuri Faction was nice, too bad they never get fucking mentioned ever again I guess.

There’s so many references to The Man With The Steel Cane that they could’ve implimented so much better, especially dialogue. I can’t read the original story without feeling cheated out of what it was before Issue 3. So more wasted potential I guess.

Issue 4

This was a big step up from Issues 2-3. My personal favourite, but not the best (if that makes sense). But there isn’t too much to talk about here? Jhin sets off his bombs from the last issue, it looks cool, but there’s no real story to talk about here. There is a lot of character stuff to talk about though.

Zed choosing to save Shen over getting Jhin is fucking HUGE for Zed as a character. For a character so hellbent on vengence throughout the entire thing choosing instead to save his "hated enemy and closest friend” ?? im sobbing.

This whole comic was emotional as hell, and the most character development we ever fucking saw in this thing. From Zed’s daddy issues to the realisation that Zed’s shadows are shades of Jhin and Kusho (which is now fucking hilarious and makes no sense after Issue 6).

There was a lot of setup for plotpoints that actually did show up later for once, like Kayn being the temporary leader and all that jazz. What it had in emotion, it seemed to lack in real story progression until the end. 

Issue 5

This issue was weird for me. Like there was a lot of plot and a lot of character shit that seemed so condensed that it felt like nothing. Zed’s confession in the cell-wagon and the information that Shen was out fighting Noxians too? Alright, sure okay. 

Shen still seems wildly out of character for me, since we mostly know him as this beacon of peace and calm- he’s so violent towards Zed all the time it’s strange. Like he points a sword at Zed while saying that he isn’t allowed to kill Jhin, wtf

The callback to Awaken is fucking superb. Really solidifies that video into the lore of the game. Camille being mentioned had me like :hearteyes: This is a nitpick- but I wish we knew what happened at the end of Awaken. Is Camille okay? Did Jhin get injured? It was a week ago, if he did get injured- where and how did he recover so fast? Little details  that I wanna know, not really for any real story purposes.

Rhaast finally showing up :hearteyes:, nothing else to add bc nothing else happened with him.

Jhin making the most of Piltoven technology is really cool, and its a scene that made me go “OH YEAH he was a stagehand for a good period of time!!”  That’s what we call Tying In Pre-Existing Lore fellas.

Jhin just really shined in this issue. Really set him up to be The Big Bad of the comic, like he had a monologue and everything! Once again, though, that gets absolutely wasted by Issue 6.

Issue 6

Where do I fucking start?

Let’s start with Jhin. I don’t know about yall, but since we spent a solid 5 issues chasing after him I expected more of a dramatic fight. More like the explosions in Issue 4. But uh we got. Some fancy prop work before he got punched in the face twice and thrown on the ground. It’s What He Deserves but like you know, he deserved worse.

As much as I didn’t want it to happen, I’m disappointed they didn’t unmask him at all. His mask was still fucking pristine by the end of the fight!! Not a scratch, not a chip!! But to be fair I think we got maybe 2 pages worth of a physical fight with Jhin so,, sure. Whatever. Out goes 5 issues of setting up? Not to downplay the conflict in that scene of course, I think it was pretty cool. It was just so anticlimactic at the end like wh-

Kusho! Haha they got us good!! The dead dude is actually still alive oooo~ [heavy sarcasm]. Why. It wasn’t a good twist! It was a “oh. okay yeah sure” twist. This might be my heat of the moment response but I have no words for how cheap and absolutely horseshit that twist is. Good thing we only have to think about it for 10 pages because HE FUCKING DIES AGAIN. WHAT A WASTE!!

Whatever, whatever, thinking about it makes me so mad because they set it up barely in Issue 5? I’m just tired this actually drained me irl.

At least we have baby Kayn and good dad Zed at the end to cleanse us of that.

HEY actually did you know that they thought that Good Dad Zed was considered contoversial by Marvel’s editors?? HUH????

whatever, whatever. i’m pissed. 

BONUS SHIT

So Jhin’s lore has now had an update to connect with the comic. And it’s fucking weird. Now suddenly Kusho didn’t care about catching Jhin after he found out it was just a human person murdering people? And that it was essentially Not Their Job anymore??? excuse me??

CONCLUSION?

This comic started with a good beginning and a lot of potential. It brought up so many new theories and so many new headcanons. But all that potential and all that interesting story got washed away with unconnected plot points, ‘important’ characters that show up once, and a cheap twist ending that simultaneously came out of nowhere and was easily predicted (in the bad way). It was a fun read for a while, but the ending has soured the experience I had reading it.

Some issues may come from time + page constraints, and the limitations of the medium. But those were mostly minor issues. I wanna give the artists and the writers the benefit of the doubt, maybe blame Marvel as I like to do. But...

6 months worth of waiting for an ending like this? I’m just disappointed.

The end of a Legend: part 2

Guess who is back on her bullshit writing fucking sad shit for the modern AU! If you dont remember part one here it is, go read it first before this part

Once again this deals with very real and depressing situations and Im so sorry if you’ve had to deal with anything like this before. This is based loosely off of my own feelings.

“Legend? Oi, Legend?!”

He hadn't moved from that seat next to his uncle's bed. He still held tightly onto his hand, never wanting to let go as he knew it would be the last time. Soon he would have have to leave, discuss whatever was needing to be discussed and then go home to the empty house so full of memories.

Not yet.

He couldn't.

“Legend! What the fuck, dude?”

He held his phone in his other hand, rested on his lap, the muffled voice coming from there but still sounding so pissed off. Finally he managed to tear his watery and blurred gaze away from his uncles face, inhaling a shaky breath and sniffling his runny nose, and looked down to the device that was lit up.

“Legend, what the fuck is all that noise? I can-”

More quickly than any movement he could even register to make in his emotionally dulled and mentally exhausted brain, he brought the phone to his ear and cleared his throat from any signs of a wavering voice.

“Sorry, I must've accidentally rang you. I would never do something like that on purpose.” Even when feeling so down, the sound of his friends stupid voice still managed to pull a quip out of him. He was glad his voice hadn't broken or cracked though, last thing he needed right now was to break down again.

“Did you butt dial me? I am not your booty call!” Warriors scoffed dramatically over the phone, causing Legend to roll his achy eyes, wiping them with a tissue afterwards.

“Even if you were the last person on Earth, you would still never be my booty call, Warriors.” Legend retorted, squeezing his uncle's hand one last time before standing up and grabbing his bag to sling back onto his shoulder.

He still felt awful, absolutely dreadful, torn apart in every which way and it was only because of Warriors’ insistent need of constant attention - being the reason he probably hadn't hung up the phone after the first minute or so after hearing nothing but silence from the other side - that Legend was able to hold it together at this very moment.

Finally he stepped out from behind the curtain, giving one last look back to the man in the bed, the only part of him on show from under the blanket were his head and hand, both of which Legend could still feel in his grip. He swallowed thickly, his head drooping as he let the curtain fall close again

“Mr Goldsmith? Link?..” One of the nurses from before walked up to him calling out to him several times, obviously still giving him some space but with the intention to continue the conversation elsewhere.

“Yeah? Sorry.” He pulled the phone away from his ear, turning his attention to the nurse and then back to the phone call. “I gotta go, Warriors. I'll see you and that ugly scarf of yours at school on Monday.”

“Wait wait wait, hold up there. You called me and now you're hanging up on me? No way. Anyways, what's up? You sound and looked like shit today, and did I just hear someone refer to you as Mr. Goldsmith? Where are you right now?” Of course there was no way Warrior was going to let this go right now.

Legend felt his throat close up again and suddenly everything had just struck him again all his quickly. Everything that had just happened. The day and night before.

He was being dragged under the waves of despair again and he felt sick. The tears returned to his eyes, hot and big, already causing blurring in his vision.

As hard as he tried to hold on strong on the phone, he couldn't hold back the sniffle and the wavering in his voice.

“Yeah… yeah. I really need to go, I I have better things to be doing than talking to you on the phone right now.” It wasn't the first, nor would it be the last time, that Legend avoided answering on of Warriors questions.

Guilt washed over him in heavy waves, dragging him under the sea of anguish. He couldn't do this. No matter how much he tried to keep his head above the water, he was pulled back down by the ever lingering feeling

'I should've stayed at home.’

‘I left him alone to suffer.’

'He must have been so terrified. He died alone and scared, and I…’

“Legend, where are you right now?” Warriors tone was strong and true, and it was evidently clear that he wasn't going to let up. He was going to get his answer from his friend.

Legend couldn't tell whether he hated it or appreciated it.

'Why did I not stay with him?’

'He needed me by his side.’

'I shouldn't have listened to him…’

The nurse had given him some tissues once again as he took a seat further down the hall, giving him a few more moments alone in his phone before they had to discuss what came next. Silence permeated the air between him and Warriors through the phone, and he shook his head forgetting that the motion couldn't be seen.

“Legend-”

“I'm at the hospital…” Admitting the words out loud made him feel light headed. Made him feel weak. It was like another heavy rock stacked upon the others already on his chest, the pressure making it impossibly hard to breathe.

Soon enough he'd be completely crushed under all the weight.

All of what he was, had been, and ever would be, was stripped to the bare minimum, to the very core of everything.

All too suddenly had the strong feeling he hadn't felt in some time returned.

In some way it was nostalgic.

In another, haunting.

A bittersweet memory that made him feel sick to his stomach.

Loneliness.

But he was never alone when she was around… A part of him could even swear he could hear the faint sound of singing somewhere in the back of his mind.

A melancholic melody, and as he closed his fist he could almost feel the familiar feeling of ceramic brush against the tips of his fingers...

“Hey? Hey! Are you still there? Is everything okay? Why are you at the hospital? Are they back? Have you not been taking your-”

“I'm fine.” A lie. One that tore itself up from the ground and wrapped itself so thoroughly around him.

His uncle wasn't fine.

He wasn't fine either.

“Oh come on, I can smell your bullshit from here. I'm going to come over there and meet you.”

“NO!-” The outburst caught him by surprise, and judging from the silence from the other side of the phone, it surprised Warriors as well. “I mean, there's no point is there? You refuse to come inside and I don't know how long I'll be. You'll just be waiting outside”

He could just feel Warriors physically recoiling, the detest and disgust all over his face as he would have grimaced at the prospect of entering the hospital.

Legend heard Warriors sigh, and then his voice started to echo as he could only assume he had been put on loudspeaker, the rummaging and noises from the other side giving it away.

“Yeah yeah, you're so right, as fucking always. I won't go inside, but I can still wait outside for you to come out.” It wasn't often that Warriors legitimately sounded so pressed and fed up. Obviously what Legend had said has ruffled his feathers just a little bit.

Legend couldn't help but the the intrusive thoughts return to him as only the sound of Warriors sorting himself out registered in his brain. For what seemed like too long did the quiet and tense feeling settle between every crack and joint in his bones, and behind his eyes as once he felt the tears fill his vision once again and to fall down his face as he blinked. No matter how hard he tried to wipe them away, more would follow and his entire body started to shake as his breathing became more erratic.

Still, he stayed silent.

The realisation that even though he was on the phone to someone, he could hear them and they could hear them, he was alone. Just down the corridor did his carer, uncle, and father lay dead.

There was no one left.

Maybe…

If he…

He could still see-

“I'm going to leave now, which building are you in?”

Once again Warriors voice brought Legend out from his nightmarish thoughts. He wasn't a child anymore, he wasn't about to let a small thing make him freak out again, even if her soft voice echoed in his ears.

He was better now.

Legend cleared his throat, taking a deep breath and wiped his face again with the sleeve of his school blazer. He couldn't use anymore tissues, whilst they were soft, his eyes ached and nose stung. No more.

“Main building, east exit.” He couldn't see it, but he could just feel Warriors nodding in confirmation. More noise from Warriors side, and the brief pause allowed Legend to attempt to calm himself down again.

If he had been mentally, emotionally, and physically tired before, he was now exhausted. Every small movement ached and thinking of words for simple conversation was draining. Sleep was something he wanted, but he was well aware it wouldn't come for some time yet.

And even if his body was begging for sleep, his brain wouldn't allow it.

“Legend?”

All he could manage was a small hum in response, though after a few moments of Warriors not saying anything, he sighed and tried again.

It was an effort.

“What?”

“Will you tell me what's going on?”

“Piss off! ..I'm hanging up now.”

Before Warriors could get another word in, Legend had taken the phone away from his ear, hung up, and lowered it back to his lap next to the box of tissues.

Just a few minutes and he'd be okay.

He had to be okay.

There was still so much to do.

--

By some sort of foolish mistake, or by some lapse in concentration and planning, Legend had forgotten to check the time before he had started talking to the nurses about what was to happen with his uncle next.

In all honesty he couldn't remember much of the conversation, but he could recall then mentioning the morgue, and he'd briefly mentioned that there was no way he could afford a funeral - at least not currently.

Maybe by some sort of miracle, but he doubted it.

And what would happen if he couldn't hold a funeral for his uncle? That was the chance for the final goodbye…

When finally he left the hospital it was darker and cooler out that it had been when he had first entered after school. Still in his uniform and bag slung over his shoulder, Legend could feel every muscle screaming out in agony at him.

Whilst it had definitely hadn't been a very physical day; the constant switch of emotions, from being so hopeful that morning to bathing in despair just that evening, the lack of sleep before, and constant dreary thoughts inside of his head made him feel like he had aged.

All within one day.

24 hours.

1440 minutes.

86400 seconds.

His entire life had changed, and he had no one to ask for help.

No one to give him the answers he needed in the hard times.

The only man he could call family...

The only person who knew the true him, the real him behind the many walls he had erected over the years, who knew the young helpless and lonely boy and always tried his best and helped in any small way that was possible, was gone.

Gone forever.

“Hey Legend! Oh Hylia, you look like shit.”

The immediate reaction from Legend upon hearing Warriors voice was to groan, sigh, and roll his eyes. It hasn't even been a conscious thought or action in his brain, but he had done it.

At least after everything his brain was still awake enough for that.

He turned to face his friend, and tucked his hands into the pockets of his blazer. There stood Warriors in all his “glory” long blue scarf and all. Though Legend wasn't sure if it was because of how tired he was or because the evening was actually slightly chilly, but he was cold and envious of such a thing at that moment.

“Wow, good to see you too, you piece of shit,” he approached the other, kicking him in him back on the leg to emphasise his irritated response, “You look like shit too. But then again you always do, so nothing new there.”

Warriors wasn't blind, he could easily spot the puffiness of Legends eyes, and the redness of them and his nose. Everything about him looked messed up, from his hair to his face, uniform, and even his general demeanour.

For whatever reason that had Legend looking like death incarnate and visiting the hospital, Warriors couldn't even begin to guess.

He liked to think he knew Legend relatively well, all things considered. Both of them had their secrets, things which they found hard to share with anything excluding family, but they also knew some of each others deepest worries and fears too.

Warriors glanced from Legend and then to the hospital doors and back. Several times did he do this, the puzzle pieces in his head not fitting together no matter how hard he tried. There was too many things that it could, and couldn't have been, that there was no making any heads or tails.

He stopped upon hearing the heavy sigh escape from his friend, taking it as a hint to stop, get moving, but also as sign of the very evident fatigue Legend was feeling.

“Hey, you sure everything is okay?”

Legend's eyes rolled once again, his feet moving one in front of the other as he began to walk away and leave both Warriors and hopefully the awful memories and thoughts that the hospital had brought out of him.

Warriors huffed out in annoyance, but within a few quick and large strides, he had caught up to Legend and walked by his side as they headed back towards the centre of the city.

“If it's about… well you know who and what-”

“It's not.”

Legend's reply was curt and he had technically interrupted Warriors, but Legend was obviously not in the mood to be discussing such a thing right now.

The evening breeze was gentle, like that on a summer's day at the beach. Again, from someone, somewhere, he could hear and familiar tune.

One that told a story of a young boy and his friend.

And also told a story of loneliness.

With his uncle gone, that familiar loneliness tugged heavy at his heart, and it hurt.

It cut deeply into both pleasant and unpleasant memories.

Another sigh, one that held the weight of the world in it, and judging from Legend's wilted posture, he seemed to carry the weight of the whole world on his shoulder as well.

A somewhat comfortable uncomfortable feeling settles over the two of them as they continued walking on wards for several minutes with no more words between then.

It was Legend who spoke up first.

“It was my uncle.”

His voice carried no evident emotion, but it was the things that weren't said or obvious which made things click into place more.

Warriors was stunned silent for a few seconds, all previous assumptions flying out of his head and new ones nestling their way in immediately.

If it was Legend's uncle, and he was acting like this…

It couldn't have been good news.

“Oh shit shit shit! What happened? Is he okay?”

The silence spoke volumes.

He stopped walking, his foot under him refusing to take another step as the news settled in.

Laughter bubbled out from deep within him, and he was only too aware of how unfitting it was for moment like this but it was the only thing he managed to do.

Legend stopped walking just in front of him, his shoulder shaking slightly, his hands clenched tightly into fists either side of him and his head hung long.

“Fuck... FUCK! Legend, why didn't you say anything?!”

When he didn't reply, Warriors found it within himself to finally move again, making fully well sure that he stormed just ahead of Legend and stood before him.

It was a times like this when the height difference was obvious, but that was not what Warriors was focusing on.

Instead all he could focus on was how Legend refused to look up, how his shaking arms and hands hid his face, and his erratic breathing.

He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it again when he realised he was speechless.

He could remember helping Wind and Aryll after their parents died, but he was their big brother - adopted or not - but how was he supposed to help Legend?

“When?”

Somehow that one simple word, that one simple question had both pushed Legend off over the edge, and also grounded him.

Still, he refused to lift his head up, but his hands dropped down to his side in defeat.

“An hour ago? It was just after before call…” The realisation hit Warriors like a tonne of bricks. He had been wondering why Legend had called him and then proceeded to blank him for a few minutes until he finally answered.

“Warriors, I don't know what to do. Gods! I can't believe I'm even talking to you about this, but I can't go home… I can't. Hi-his stuff is all still there on the side and-” Legend cut himself off, obviously not wanting to go into detail.

“I can't the fucking thought out of my head that whilst I was eating dinner at yours, playing happy families, that he was at home alone suffering.”

“Hey, hey. Stop that! You can come back to mine tonight, the Fisher's would be happy to have you in their humble abode. And it's the weekend so there's no rush about going back home-”

“I don't have my meds.”

“Do you think you won't be okay without them for a few days?”

He stayed quiet.

Once again the familiar tune and soft singing voice filled his head.

Legend shook his head again, and his leg began to twitch in a restless way, his hands once again clenching and unclenching like he was trying to hold onto something.

Warriors began walking again, stopping when Legend didn't follow him at first but then resumed once they were side by side again.

“It's going to be okay-”

“No, it's not. Gods, you're a fucking idiot aren't you?”

“I'm sorry? Who was it that scored higher on the last test?”

“You cheated!”

Warriors gritted his teeth as another swift kick was delivered to his shin, but just as quickly did he return it and then ran up ahead to avoid getting struck again.

Somewhere deep inside, Legend begged for the tune to both stop and to continue.

He liked the familiarity it gave him. How it made him remember her and what she taught him.

But it also made him remember him and once again did he feel himself getting lost at sea in a small boat during a storm.

And this time he wasn't going to be there to save him.

He had no idea how he was going to cope after all of this.

Our Song (pt 6)

Summary: School playboy, and jock Jungkook is the last person you’d expect to be a soulful musician, but everybody has their secrets

Jungkook x Reader (fluff, angst, smut next chapter)

a/n: ahhh thank you for all the requests, getting requests and feedback about my stories literally makes my life I love you all so freaking much ALSO SORRY IT TAKES ME LIKE 50 YEARS TO POST OMFG

masterlist

part 1   2   3   4   5 

“Y/n L/n IT IS 2:17AM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA--” Your mother screams, pacing in the kitchen, while your dad scowls beside her. You sit at the dinner table, numbly listening to their tirade. You’re still half asleep, and tired from earlier. 

You’d fallen asleep at Jungkook’s earlier that night, and woken up when he’d rolled over in his sleep, and flopped on top of you. In the moment it was funny, until you read the clock that glowed “2:10am” in ominous white lettering. 

“JUNGKOOK I-AGDHGDJ” You’d screamed, pushing him off and springing from the bed. He sat up, hair sticking up in all directions as you hopped around his room, desperately tugging your jeans on. 

“What?” His voice was deep and grumbly as he rubbed his eyes and tried to process the situation. His eyes finally settled on the clock, and he gasped and dashed out the door, “MEET ME IN THE CAR!!!” He screamed, scrambling for the keys. 

The two of you hit 70 in a 25, managing to get you home by 2:15, saving about 8 minutes on your usual drive time. You kissed him one more time before getting out of the car, trying to savor one last good moment before you met your bitter end. “I love you forever Y/n,” He smiles, stress evident in his tense body. 

“I love you forever too Jungkook.” You sighed, facing the house, having accepted your impending doom. The second the door had closed behind you, the lights came on and the screaming began.

By 2:45 your parents decided they had enough and sent you swiftly to bed, but not before taking your phone and sentencing you to 2 weeks of being grounded. 

You lied in bed, emotionally drained as you stared at the ceiling. But even then, you couldn’t help but smile. You really did love him. 

From: My Mans :)

Saturday, 2:30am

Y/n??

Y/n is everything okay???

Im so sorry 

I really am I didnt mean for time to get away from us like that

Ughhhhhh Y/n please dont be mad

Please dont be mad

Ok uhhhh text me tomorrow ig. I love you

Sunday, 10:11am

Y/n really Im getting worried

Pls tell me this is a prank? AHAHAh im laughing

2:45pm

I showed you my dick pls reply

Y/N 

4:41pm

goddddd

Y/n i really love youuuuu

Knock knock

Whos there?

NOT YOU APPARENTLY SJHDGSJFAHKSAHJ

6:18pm

ok so

I guess youre mad?

Annnnd idk what I did so I cant say sorry

BUT if you tell me what I did wrong I can apologize

sooooo

uGAUKHSFGHJ Y/N

See 216 More Messages?

You grin scrolling through your messages. It was 7:45am on a monday, and you’d just gotten your phone back. You’d spent the weekend without electronics, and with plenty of housework. You still had two weeks of house arrest, but you would get to see your friends at school, and keep your phone, so things were already looking up. Your parents didn’t know you lost your v-card, so they didn’t really have anything against Jungkook except for him keeping you out too late. 

To: My Mans :)

7:48- Come get meeeeee :P

Within 2 minutes of sending that text Jungkook replies, making you laugh.

From: My Mans :)

7:56- Oh my god are you kidding me I text you all day every day all weekend and this is all I get back? No heartfelt message? Am I just a rockin bod and a cool car to you? Damn, you thotties really be cold

7:57- Omw

“What the fuuuuck,” Jungkook whines pulling you in by the hips and kissing you, pressing you against him. 

“Sorry, my parents took my phone.” You grin, ruffling his hair and getting in the car. 

“God I thought I was bad in bed or something, you really did a number on my insecurity this weekend,” He grins, taking the car out of park. 

Walking through school felt different now. You felt dirty and exposed. You felt like everybody knew what you did that weekend. Walking down the halls hand in hand with Jungkook, you usually got some stares, but now it felt like all eyes were on you. Jungkook seemed fine, unbothered even. As he should of course, and as you should too. You just couldn’t shake that unsettled feeling though. 

Eventually that feeling left, and a feeling of pride took its place. You were his girl, the person he decided was worthy enough to be his first. Telling your friends really gassed you up. 

“Y/N YOU WHAT?!” Lisa was screaming. You guys were between classes and you couldn’t really think of a good time to tell them, so you figured now was as good as any. “You got dicked down? Like all the way down?!” Lisa whispered, eyes wide.  “Yeah! Do you guys hate me?” You grin nervously.

“No! Just don’t ditch us for booty calls,” Jisoo grins and nudges you. The three of you laugh while you give them details as you walk to your next class. You’re caught up in the story before somebody runs into you, jolting you from your thoughts. You look back in annoyance to see who the perpetrator was. Mark Tuan just hurries off, ignoring you. “Hey, ignore him. You’re Jeon Jungkook’s squeeze now, we have more important things to think about.” Jisoo laughs, grabbing your arm and tugging you down the hallway.

Mark

Jungkook was still a part of our group I guess. Bam and Taehyung jumped on the chance to talk to him again after things had been tense the last few weeks. Jungkook texted them and asked if we could all hang after lacrosse, so of course that meant I had to wait after school til 5 for them. 

Roaming the empty halls I scroll through instagram, trying to occupy my headspace. I really had been enjoying my guy time recently, but I can’t lie, I do miss my time with Y/n. After school hot chocolate and homework had become a fixture in my life, like she had been. It felt like there was a big empty hole where she used to be, in my house and in my head. 

“Mr. Tuan,” Mr. Atkinson’s voice rips me from  my thoughts. 

“Yes sir?” I turn, pocketing my phone.

“Wanna take a walk?” Atkinson approaches, not really giving me a choice. We both walk in silence for a minute or so, our footsteps echoing down the halls. “Have you been alright recently? You and Y/n don’t talk anymore, and you’ve fallen in with a..lesser crowd.” His voice is light, but I can hear the more serious tone beneath.

“Yeah, people just..grow apart.” I shrug, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“Yeah but you and y/n didn’t. Or at least she didn’t. I know there’s more. Now, I don’t expect you wanting to talk to your washed up teacher about your personal life, but you should talk to her. Or someone.” He’s right. I sigh, nodding. 

“What do I say?” My voice is quiet, ashamed.

“It never hurts to start with sorry.” 

You lay on your bed, scrolling through your phone on a break from homework. Your break had already taken 2 hours, oops. Suddenly a picture of Mark doing a double chin fills up your home screen while your phone buzzes, signaling a call from your old friend. It had been a hot minute since you’d gotten a call from him; it had been a hot minute since you’d gotten any kind of formality from him in general. 

“Hello?” You slowly hit the green button.

“I’m sorry Y/n. Can we talk?”

Im disassociating... again.

I have been having regular disassociating moments the last two weeks, ever since I started doing a bit better. And its really frustrating. Because when I disassociate I want to cut, and cutting and napping are kind of the only ways to bring myself back. I mean, physical pain anyway. I mean, I have done the whole grounding exercises but jfc, I’m tired of being better? Like, I really want to be better, I want to enjoy life and all, don’t get me wrong on that. But I also am so tired of fighting my addiction. Like it’s exhausting trying to be better and shit. And in a lot of ways I just don’t fucking care still.

It’s an addiction, no matter how you put it. I want to cut because I’m still highly addicted--maybe even more than I was when I last successfully stopped for more than two months at a time. Because the last time I was cutting semi-regularly, I had built up a tolerance to it, since I had been doing it for (essentially) 3 years straight. I think the longest I had gone in those 3 years was about 2-3 months without self harm. So, I was fairly addicted and tolerant to the affects by 2014 when I stopped. Buuuuut then I started again after a nearly 3 year break, and I don’t have a tolerance for it anymore. So, just like with drugs, it’s much more potent and addicting for me again. I mean, no matter what it’s an addiction. But it’s pretty damn strong at the moment. Back in June it was just a bender, it wasn’t too bad. I cut for about 2 weeks again, pretty aggressively, but not for long. I think I mostly was doing it then because I knew I needed to stop before the next major move of my life, plus I was going through a CRAP load of stuff. Now though, I don’t have real deadlines or anything and I dont feel as much incentive to get better quickly. Maybe that’s better though? Maybe by not rushing it, I’ll be able to heal more properly and last longer before my next relapse.

For tonight though, I just really want to cut. I don’t even have a set reason for being sad and depressed today, I just am. Because this week has been fairly good, I think it just wore me down fast, and so today was mostly spent sleeping in bed and watching some tv. It was a needed rest day. But it’s also left me feeling lonely and in an abyss. I guess I’ll get ready for bed and see how I feel afterwards... maybe I’ll cut, maybe I’ll watch TV, maybe I’ll just go to bed. We shall see. Right now, I just am so emotionally drained though. I think I need to sleep, I just feel anxious about sleeping again is all.

I mentioned the sleep anxiety to my counselor by the way. He said I just need to be easier on myself, and remember that sleep is necessary, and that I’m doing my best, that it’s okay to sleep and rest. Ugh. I’m trying. Can’t say he gave me any real useful tips for falling to sleep, though. But whatever. I know most of the tricks in the books anyway.

Alright, time to brush and floss teeth.

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

Day 56 - 62

This has been a hard one. So you know how Ramadan is the month you fast and al and your supposed to strengthen your spirituality and all. Well Ramadan went well Alhamdulillah but it is more like all these things happened to me this one week more compared to during Ramadan. 

So I started walking on the treadmill. I planned on 2 hours a day but ended up doing one hour everyday. Well when i decided on 2hrs it was what i ‘preferred’. 1hr, duh, is the ‘minimum’ and more than 2 hours is highly appreciable but im still proud i could at least do the bare minimum this week yay! well proud is exaggeration tbh, im just not panicking and depressed  because I maintained the bare minimum but im not like ‘happy’ or impressed cause I dont see any progress. But then again, the way i define ‘progress’ is kind of too high standard as always so yeah I am kind of harsh on myself ‘as always’ again so maybe I am kinda doing okay i guess. well but bottom line, im not really ‘impressed’. 

Aha ok so theres that. then um oh! me catching cold after coming from Makkah, Well in the beginning i was sooooo tired for a day or two like i couldnt function at all. But then yeah all the classic symptoms started to arise. coughing, sneezing, throat irritation, blocked nose, runny nose, greenish sputum, difficulty breathing. Oh God, you name it! so I have been on medication for a week now and I have to continue for another 1 week. And its just not going away yet. like its there, constant! except for just last night when my throat wasnt itching much and luckily i could sleep like a babyyyyyyyyy for a change after a week. Oh so this whole week I used to go to bed around 12 to 1 or at 2 latest! Now whether I could fall asleep is a different story. Well most of the nights I did try to fall asleep like till fajr and i could like sleep for an hour or 2 max and then I would just wake up from coughing so much. and then Id just lie down till fajr and then get up and pray and then go to bed. 2 of the mornings I worked out after fajr and then took a shower and then slept around 7 in the morning. 

during the day, well i wake up always keeping in mind that I should not miss zuhr so lol that mean i kinda wake up usually around 2pm or even later sometimes. Since im talking about the entire week, this is like what i did majority of the days. Some days i woke up earlier though. but maybe thats like a day or 2 out of 7.  So its so hot during the day, like you dont even need to ‘move’ and youll already be sweating! I totally hate it and I have never been that tired of any weather ugh. Like I totally love winter now. not cause idk its fun or something but like i hate summer so muchhhhhhh that yeah i can basically go like i love winter 

Ok so the week kinda started with me being kind of tired mentally. parents were in the middle of a huge argument so yeah the whole atmosphere in the house was kinda blue and then I started eating so less and then starting with the treadmill and all and well it was just a bit tough to move from a phase to another. I wasnt having negative vibes and all but i just wished for more from life. I mean sometimes it is kind of too much to take. I get all the stuff about life not supposed to be perfect and how it is just temporary and how we should not get attached to worldly things. Yes all of that is cool and i get it but then when you are actually experiencing those ‘downs’ in life, youre obviously not going to be ‘okay’ with it and ofcourse youll wish things were better or youd just feel mentally drained out - despite knowing the entire “concept” of life - 

So yeah thats the phase I was in for a few days and then after a lot of thinking how I suddenly got out of the phase was when I was thinking about how every single person is subjected to life is a completely different way. Like you can never compare. You might think your life is horrible and so much shit has happened to you and everything and maybe someone else who never had to face anything similiar to the ‘shit’ you went through. Well maybe they had to experience something else. Something you are too blessed to even be aware of. What I am trying to say is how sometimes we wish for things is life and other people have it, that what you want. Or maybe they dont have what you want, but then in general it seems like there life seems ‘happier’ than yours. Well I dont really think it is true anymore. I kind of think everyone goes through almost an equal share of good and bad. and how do we define what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’? Well we just cant tbh. Because what might seem good to me and I would wish for could be something someone has and feels cursed with. I mean its all about perceptions. So someone maybe suffering in their own way but you are not just seeing it. Basically the point is, 

We should always be thankful, be patient and keep breathing. We should be aware of how our life is not going to be a compilation of scenes you get to watch in movies or be picture perfect. And we also need to protect ourselves from getting attached to anything or anyone so much! We need to be okay with letting go of things or people if we ever have to! And we also need to know that every single person out there ~ Everyone’s life is perfectly imperfect. Yes, of course I cant really disagree to how some people might seem to have better lives but then again, all the hardships you go through, you are being tested and you are being rewarded for them so at the end of the day it all balances off. 

So I was kind of really bored with life in general and also my days were boring too. Well theyre still pretty much boring but like i was also bored of life. Then I started thinking of certain people who are having more boring lives than mine, and who dont even have the blessings I am gifted with. And everything started to just get more acceptable. And then I started thinking of my brother. I mean its so cool he is going to move to Canada in like less than 2 months inshaAllah and all. I am really happy for him and wish nothing but the best of the best for him and all but but but.. I mean just think of it. At first I was thinking of my some of the people Ik who arent really in a pretty place maybe because of financial reasons. Then there were people that came to my mind who arent in a pretty place because of just family reasons. And then ones who are just simply having to work a bit harder and so theyre not at a pretty place. Some who are away from friends, family because of life. So yeah. then I started thinking of my brother. I mean he is going to move soon and he will be living in a dorm and I mean he will be in Canada in one of the top 5 universities in the country and he has a scholarship. MashAllah that all sounds so great. Something Id want too but but but. then i started thinking of life in general. I mean he will be living on his own. He doesnt have to cook though, he has subscribed to a meal plan so he doesnt have to worry about preparing his food. but like living alone in his dorm room. I mean coming home every day to his room. Well cool thing though he wont be sharing a room with anyone and he will have his own toilet and stuff but then again, i mean he will be alone. Im not saying that an alternate scenario could be one where hed come home to his family and woah everyone would be partying and laughing and smiling and all. I mean even when he is at home right now he is like always in front of his computer busy with his own stuff and all but like idk Id still prefer coming home and having some other humans who are family. Atleast once in a while you know. or maybe its just me. but then still, i mean uni and studies are stressful enough, id just want to see people i love around! And yeah that is one of the main reasons why I didnt finally decide to study abroad right after high school! 

So yeah then I started realizing that there are so many ways I already am blessed. Even on every one of my ‘boring’ days, there are blessings i am encountering which many people arent getting even on their normal days. Yeah that kind of cheered me up! 

So this week, more like this month or like the entire 2 months will be about my bro lol. I mean theres a lot of shopping to do. like clothes, toilet stuff, laundry stuff, bed, pillow, shoe, laptop, tootpaste, mug, spoon and what not. literally everything. I mean its actually fun. Like you go to a shop and literally anything you touch, is something in the shopping list for him!! i mean normally somethings are like just too basic, youd never in years touch them in a shop cause like you have it, its there!!! but for him, have to get everything since he will start from scratch! 

Ok so now about myself! Well like i said, the week started pretty rough because of the whole change in phase. parents fighting, me not eating much considering how food is one of the means by which i look for comfort, and then life just being boring in general and then how getting on the treadmill is such a pain in the ass in the first place and not to mention the extremely hot temperature these days and then you dont really see any difference. I mean duh. DUHHHHH howd i even be thinking to see any difference? I mean i KNOWWW its too soon for any difference but like all these staying patient emotionally, mentally about so many different aspects in life..It all can get pretty heavy sometimes!!!! Oh and then its like i really really really love myself. Like a LOT LOT. now like i said, once you already love someone, I mean, well, to fall in love ofcourse the person needs to have good qualities most of the time but then like once you already love someone, you love them despite their imperfections. Well, thats how you love ‘another person’. but when you love yourself. Forget qualities!!! you love yourself regardless lol! Where I am getting with this is!!! I mean right now, i really am not AT ALL happy with my body, like not. at . ALL. Infact I have never been this unhappy about my body ever in my life. And also I kind of feel really dumb. Like wow, Alhamdulillah whatever I did in my exams and all, i am thankful for that but like as a person in general. I really dont feel smart enough plus I literally dont remember anything i studied. like i actually wonder how tf did are they just not there in my head anymore. Like i definitely did study them or else i wouldnt pass my exams so now where the hellllll did all that go awaaayyyyy whatttttttttt

yeah so 4th year basically you need to know your shit. like you actually need to know what they taught you in the last 3 years. like youre actually be walking with doctors and interacting with them one on one. its not going to be like the last 3 years where like it doesnt really matter whether you are alive or dead, asleep or awake. like you just make sure you have your name signed. so theres the attendance part covered. and you make sure you finish every lecture and to do that you have time till before you enter the “exam code” on your laptop and start the exam!!!! You see, now! you actually need to know shit, you actually need to go see patients with the doctors and even without the doctors, you need to go to patients, and take history from them which TADAAA will be in arabic. oh wow!! So yeah if you dont know arabic you need a friend/ translator! yeah and then you need to tell your history to your doctor in english thank god lol :p but like yeah, and you ll be in small groups of 6 - 10 with a doctor and like he might bring up a disease he wants to discuss and SURE af it wont be something they found out about 2 minutes ago. ofcourse it will be something we are expected to have covered in the last 3 years or uni and you cant just go like. OH I never heard about it!!!! Idk what it is!!! Ok lol i guess im freaking out now. 

Anyways so what i was saying. yeah so not happy with my body, plus i think im really dumb and then its just TOO DAMN HOT i cant do anything, I CANT EVEN MOVE. so yeah its pretty disturbing! Also not to mention how not eating much is so hard Ughh! 

Ok so i have been typing for over an hour now. I kind of think I covered everything I wanted to blog about for the whole week but like Im not sure and I dont want to read all what i wrote right now cause its already so boring cause its like always in my head anywaysssss and yeah thats one nice thing about blogging. Ahh. like once i hit the ‘post’ button and then woah!!! all these thoughts just turn into feather in my head!!!!! hahaahh!! 

But i still do read what i write again everytime, prolly at the end of the day to make sure nothing is ‘misunderstood or sounds completely opposite of what I actually wanted to say and all. blablaaa. So yeah if somethings mssing, ill fill it up

okay enough blabbering. Tataa!!!!!! :) 

9.12.17

Its been years since ive even considered publishing a rant on this stupid site but since i know no one follows me then this is the only safe place to say anything where judgement from knownst parties will not be passed bc lord knows my roommates are anything but sympathetic.

i feel like i am internally drowning.

i dont know what kind of depression i have but i fight it every single day to keep contained and be a steady force but days like today hit me out of the blue and it is incredibly hard to not have a support system that i know i can count on without them telling their significant other “oh lo has finally cracked” i havent cracked im not broken i try to keep my head above the liquid (i dont like to think it is water because water is nice and makes me calmer) but sometimes i slip and therefore go a little (lot) nutty and cant control the scrambled chaos that writhes beneath the supposedly stoic facade.  

but, like, not fun nutty. nutty like scrambled up inside and feeling like i dont belong anywhere and feeling lack of self worth and feeling physically HEAVY. just heavy. i was laying on the floor and i couldnt lift my arms because i just felt the weight of the world pressing down and trying to suffocate me even though i was trying to control my breathing, the one thing that i could control without external implications. 

and, like, i can pass tonight off as the wine and the ‘mental breakdown’ but really ive been fighting this for a long time and something got through my facade. and i dont want it to take another week to squish back down again because its extremely emotionally draining and hard. i started saying what i thought tonight instead of filtering and it wasnt well received surprise surprise. like, if you cant handle the thoughts in my head why the fuck are we friends. 

but like we arent because idk what our friendship is based on anymore. 

i miss having a person or several people i could lean on for support. i miss having real friends but i wonder all the time if i never really had real friends if they could all just leave like that. 

plus now school is taking an impact and that is not okay i need to have my head on if i am to get into my grad school program, which im probably not because lord knows i dont have that kind of luck so im going to pay 300$ to get denied and die a little (lot) more inside. 

i want to cry to get it over with but i cant seem to make the tears come.

when will this cycle end because its emotionally draining and i dont have the ability to deal with this. im tired of the battle. i cant remember what it is like to not be masquerading as this and who i really am. 

its just getting really hard to breathe. and feel.