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chxckens · 9 months

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some life updates... this is a big chunky post, just for those who care abt what’s happening w me. i feel like a dvd player

i had a difficult conversation with my mother yesterday where i was able to explain how difficult working has been for me with my health conditions and how i’ve been struggling to keep things like stable income for rent and health insurance because of it. like, i’m on long-term disability leave from work right now but i’m not even sure that i’ll be able to return to working full-time in the same capacity because of my health. and it isn’t a matter of finding a better job or a more flexible job- no employer likes that i keep growing tumors and getting cancer. like, that’s not a particularly good trait for an employee. legally they can’t fire me for it but i feel terrible not being a reliable employee because of it, it makes me feel like shit (even though my self-worth shouldn’t be derived from how Good a worker i am. i know this.)

my mom was taken aback somehow by how deeply it has been affecting me (of course it has. i’m always stressed.) and she actually literally said, “i think that we- that i- have been holding you to impossible standards considering your circumstances.” and that meant a lot. she said, “no, you don’t have to be financially independent right now, fuck it. i have money, move back home for now and let’s just make life comfortable for you.” i can’t explain how surreal it was to hear all that from her because she’s always been the one pushing me to Be Normal (work full-time, live independently, etc.) but i think i got through to her yesterday about how impossible this all feels.

it’s just, like- at this point i have had three separate cancers and i am only 28 years old. i will likely have more cancers down the road because of my genetic disorder. the three cancers isn’t even counting the benign brain tumor i had last december, that was a fucking freebie. nothing about the life i’m living is normal and it was killing me trying to work forty hours a week and keep house and take care of myself on top of all the medical misery.

so like....

i’m not HAPPY about having to live with my mom again ‘cause we don’t cohabitate super well (i love my mother dearly! but i would say this to her face and she would agree- we are both hermits and like having our own space) but there’s a wing of her condo that she’s fixing up that has its own entrance/exit so i can have like. a mini apartment in her condo. hopefully we can figure out enough systems that’ll make it manageable

it is a fucking miserable bummer to have to constantly curb my mother’s plans. she bought some land out in michigan and has plans to build a house out there and she’s been so excited about it and talking about it constantly and i’ve seen the land too, it’s lovely. but now she says she might sell it so she can take care of me. and that’s fucking wretched it makes me want to cry again to think about. but she reassures me, says that the money is better spent closer to home right now. on me. i don’t want her to sell the plot, i told her i’d move out there with her but she thinks it’s too far away from any major medical center for me to live there. because i have my perpetual ball and chain wherever i move- i have to be near a hospital. a cancer center, preferably.

but i can’t complain because it’s huge that she’d be willing to help me survive without working like i have been. and she’ll help me pay for health insurance that isn’t employer-sponsored so i don’t, like, die... that’s huge for me... definitely don’t want to die....

it does make me nauseous, of course, in a survivor’s guilt type of way- i am hyperaware of the fact that the only reason i have this option is because i come from a family with money and that my mother is offering it. i am fully aware of the fact that i would have died several times over if not for the fact that my mother happens to be sitting on enough money to care for me when i’ve been sick and out of work. having grown up with that wealth, it wasn’t until i got cancer for the first time that i was truly radicalized, politically. the system is horrific and even with my immense privilege it is still impossible to navigate when you’re sick/disabled. none of you need me to tell you this, but it is on my mind a lot, especially when it feels like i’m getting handouts like this

so, y’know, there’s a lot of guilt/shame here. and i’m trying to remind myself that this isn’t “giving up” it’s “finding a way to live that doesn’t feel like torture.” i think this is the only decision i can make right now?

i’ll start packing up my stuff and get rid of a bunch of it so that i can fit in my mom’s space. that’s prolly the first step here. the rest, we’ll figure out, i guess? i still feel queasy and like crying about this to be honest. being on my period probably isn’t helping LMAO

#badeggs.biz #medical cw -/#cancer cw -/#just life updates #navel gazing. etc.

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dreamties · 2 years

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the ask is now deleted because tumblr was being a lil goofy + silly again-- my dear anon basically asked me if I had any headcanons on 5cream because they were hyperfixating on it a LOT (at the time of the ask)

tw: scream (2022) spoilers, psychosis + med discussion, panic attacks?? um...i think thats the main stuff. love yall, hope ya enjoy :)

I would like to believe that Gale & Dewey stayed married between Scream 4 & 5cream- thus still being married during the time of this film. mostly because I genuinely think they're so cute together and I think it doubles the angst factor with Dewey's death lol

Martha Meeks is a single mother. She adopted her two kids when they were babies, with her at the time partner. I haven't decided on why her partner is out of the picture, just that they are. Also, I don't think she married a cishet man . . .or a man at all . . .

I do believe the other parent was not present fairly early on in the youngins lives

Martha would tell stories of her older brother to her children when they were growing up !!

mostly in part that she knows Randy would have done the same- tell ridiculous stories of himself to them, that is. but also as a way to keep his memory alive. it's really hard for her to talk about him sometimes, but part of her healing process is being able to cherish the time he was with her and move on with her life.

Speaking of her brother, Martha isn't big on horror movies- but also knows, reasonably, that you have to be prepared in a town like Woodsboro.

She doesn't start it when they're really young, but when they get to 13/14 or so-- she starts a weekly or monthly movie night to bond with her kids and watch horror. It's not always horror but as the kids grow, Mindy is constantly asking if they can watch the new It movie or some of Jordan Peele's work.

Martha will generally watch classics (that she used to watch with Randy when they were younger) and even has a few faves that her kids have shown her.

It was never explicitly said that these movie watchings were to prepare for a life in her hometown, but it became more apparent to her kids over time. (like not to add extra trauma to these kids but like. im gonna add extra trauma to these kids)

she would start off with things she remembered watching with her brother. which wasn't Randy's usual stuff, btw. It wasn't all slasher stuff and hot girls. Randy did have some self awareness haha

also !! classic monster horror. not necessarily scary. kinda cheesy, even.

Mindy absolutely grew up idolizing her uncle !! she's a little upset she'll never meet him. but she feels like she knew him so well just with how many stories she's heard about him.

Growing up she's mirrored so much of her personality around him. Her mom is so proud of her, no matter what she does, but it makes Martha tear up sometimes. She really misses her older brother.

she of course loves horror films. i mean any films, really. she's drawn towards more modern stuff. less of the splatterfests and more psychological. but really she's always up for any sort of scare :)

Chad has never liked horror!! :( He doesn't enjoy being scared. He'll only watch it with his mom and sister or people he REALLY trusts / feels safe around. he appreciates the sillier more humorous horror!! more absurd, more cheap, the better.

This sort of "fear of fear" is intensified after the 25th anniversary attacks.

Tara and Amber were literally dating what're yall talking abt???

like their feelings for each other were SO apparent in the movie. plus it makes the betrayal with Amber as one of the killers just that juicier <33

apparently theres a text limit. i'll cont. this post soon <3

Stu's still alive I don't care what y'all say :((

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felikatze · 2 years

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wroah... so the big reveal was just that N is a shit boyfriend huh

(post ch5 scream dump)

[this post is about N Xenoblade. i am not saying that N pokemon is a shit boyfriend. i am sure he is quite sweet.]

my god FINALLYYYYY N and M got explained and i am VERY happy with what the truth ended up being

the game doesnt tell you the logistics of it bcuz THE LOGISTICS DONT MATTER BABEY! THIS IS SYMBOLISM TOWN

noah and mio as the personification of N and M's regrets and hopes.... emotional

i looove that afterlife sequence where mio is doing a grim reaper impression and noah sees all of N's life and mio asks him. "would you choose again?" bcuz that's what noah is. as much as N convinced himself (had to convince himself) that he made the right choice some part of him still wanted to chose again so of course noah would pick differently.

just like. a lot of great moments in this stretch of the game! i fuckin love how N just got what's coming. It was fun how comically evil and dead inside he was during the whole castle agnus prison sequence, only for it to be revealed that M spent that entire time just hoping N would give up the ghost and spend time with her. But he didnt. He was so obsessed with forever that he let now slide from his grasp. She didnt want eternity. She just wanted a little longer. God.

The M/Mio switcheroo made me HOWL jesus christ i was giddy. how meyneth of M. hmmmm. same letter. And so N continues the zanza tradition of eternity obsessed guys who are just assholes in very mundane ways

like i looove how N broke down also. that's karma bitch. but then again the game makes him a tragic figure by showing his backstory AND THEN calls him a coward because Noah Is N and if noah could chose differently so could N. that's tha point of parallels yea. also that flashback of N tearing the city down and M just yelling at him that he's torn down everything they've built

and CHRIST the reveal that N and M were part of the first ouroboros. i did cry a bit at the scene where N is saying goodbye to his son and then he destroys the city and its like. yeah he just killed his grandkids or whatever. chriiiist.

i'm a bit miffed M didnt have more screentime before all this to establish more that she well and truly hates what N's doing even if she still loves him. Like it WORKS but i wish she had more time before chapter 5 the same way N got built up as an antagonist

N Xenoblade Yandere Moments. that's what devotion does to a mfer. like i do do love how the same innocent feelings of love that Noah has toward Mio can get twisted into. that. like at some point for N it wasnt abt being close to M as a person anymore. it was just abt keeping her around as long as possible. From love to possession yeah? I mean. literally locking up M in jail bcuz of a switcheroo isnt a subtle metaphor. she just wnatrd to be with him a bit more but he was too blind to see it shbfjfbgjgn. wails.

tgis ended up mainly abt N and M cuz they are the first guys to noah and mio's second guys and i'm a slut for these kh-esque identity shenanigans. N and Noah are on the opposite end of the Same Guy spectrum as M and Mio which is so fun. N and Noah having their fuckin Ventus v Vanitas type beat meanwhile M and Mio pulled a Crimson King Adol fusion in the background. if you understood both of these you have good taste in video games. thanks.

SOOOO MUCH i could talk abt. noah punching his knuckles bloody. M essentially committing suicide. SHANIA. shania actually committing suicide. sena's whole self worth arc running behind all this. her and lanz almost blowing tf up. ghondor. ghondor is so fucking funny. YOU CANT JUST CUT THE TENSION BY LITERALLY SAYING "I'M BACK BITCHES" OR SO HELP ME GOD

monica must've been a mom at 15 for ghondor to be 18. wild.

i think this is most of the thoughts that would otherwise keep me up at night. good game

#feli speaks

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castle-dominion · 8 months

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castle 6x19 the greater good

the gates sister episode liveblog (the gateser good)

wow yucky table wow bloody man wow girl taking a pic!

That's actually a cool idea

RC: C’mon! How much fun would that be? (her jaw drops) And talk about an appropriate, if not slightly on the nose, metaphor. A bride and groom together, side by side, as they go through the ups and downs, the twists and turns, and the loopty-loops of life? KB: Castle, I love you. But I will not marry you on a ride or up in space or on a slide. RC: I bet Dr. Seuss got married somewhere fun. (DID he get married in his wife's livingroom?"

Oh no the wedding list episode. My parents got married in the slavic hall of our town, I think it was abt 50 people? 500? No it was 50. Yeah. I kind of wish I could have been there bc it was a lot of fun but I was years away from being born. Well ig I can see my step-mom's wedding. haha. divorced parents.

RC: That way we can determine exactly how big a rollercoaster car we need to build.

Lol "& I will get the phone"

Hey it's one of the other detectives!

RC: I’m being serious. Getting married is an intimate act and our ceremony should reflect that intimacy. (pause) And that way we can all fit in one car. Ryan, how do you feel about rollercoasters? KR: *walks over and screws up his face.* Ooh, make me nauseous. Why? At least we know ryan's getting invited. & some ryan trivia for ya, rollercoasters make him nauseous. That's also just a thing that happens as you become an adult tho.

Gee ess wed or gunshotwound are both much faster than gee ess doubellyuw. I vote we switch w to being pronounced dubbellyeuw to being pronounced wed.

lol cash taped to his chest *ryan considers it* Maybe he doesn't have a landline & she didn't want to use her cell. anonymity. She is after all a woman just like the one who took the pic of him. The pic makes me think proof; contract killer

it is a crappy photo tbh Ah venezuela my beloved. Maria: He was a scholarship kid, so everything that he got was through hard work. Except for the scholarship money. (Well still, getting a scholarship IS hard work)

KB: This place is either the engine of capitalism or the poster child of greed and corruption Me: Uh yeah that's kind of how it works. Of course we are not talking about meritocracy here. There is no "or" there. Beckett: depending on the paper you read Me: oh

The invisible hand of hte market lmao

KB: Wait, he owns his own island? We should definitely invite him to the wedding. you're already married to a man who owns land on the moon.

Jamie Burman: Killing. Are you capable of it? Because if you are, I will make you rich. Open hunting season! Holy crap I hate these people

Yeah man... sure would get results... Ooh wait beckett's jacket is nice! (Also nice shirt) to the 65th floor from which floor? I mean that would be good exercise but... are you starting one or two floors down? (or up) or are you starting 5 or 10 flights away?

Yay big. Love it. Yeah man! You keep walking you don't think a thing! Dear god the amphetamines you put on this earth for people torun 40 clicks an hour are being used to look at spreadsheets faster. (but yeah I have definitely moved around my medications to get through the work day before.)

On the PALM of his hand? that is not 5-4 days that is 4-5 hours!

my man was wired up!? Is the rest of the cops in on nthis? Oh Lord! She says! I love gates sm! Oh yeah gates is married she probs changed her name. (unless the audio commentary was right & she IS married to a woman. Then who knows) My sister!

Title card!

Love it, the sister rivalry. hatred. family. ELIZABETH WESTON sry capslock. Has the same "look" gates gave to castle

Ah it was recording not streaming! Oh yeah capitalist like that? Yeah man EW: We’ve been trying to mount a case against him for years. Insider trading, securities fraud. We know he’s doing it, we just haven’t been able to get proof.

EW: Victoria, this investigation is ongoing and exposing it to Mr. Burman or anyone at J.P Harding would break federal statutes. But I thought that this something that you and your team needed to know. VG: I’d certainly say so. Yeah y'all r right... Only significant. Which sis is older? Gates right? VG: Oh, well, now you do. *coldly* LOVE IT LOVE IT.

RC: A subtle chill? More like a polar vortex. I’m guessing something happened between them in the past. Something deeply personal that Gates does not want us to know about. RC: I’ll give you a dollar if you ask her. only a dollar? & can't she get you to uy her a coffee anyway?

Wow outfits!

"had words" is such a way of saying things. RC: How is it not relevant? The video shows you leaving together. Two hours later he’s dead. JB: It’s not relevant because I didn’t kill him. Yeah man! You might say "I have to disclose to you information that would cause me to become a suspect, however I would rather you hear it from me instead of finding it out yourselves. I had a discussion with him. We were at odds. I did not kill him." Or not because never tell the cops anything.

Worked up for a business deal? didn't you see him earlier yelling at his money individuals to make another company bleed? he has a usual table at le cirque

Hire someone sure but hiring killers is expensive, even for a rich guy like him. HOLD ON I JUST REMEMBERED TWO EPISODES AGO. SARA MASKI OR ENOLA MARKOV OR W/E HER NAME WAS-- SHE WAS A CONTRACT KILLER FOR BRACKEN/SIMMONS/LOKSAT & SHE USUALLY USED A KNIFE TO KILL. DICK COONAN ALSO FAVOURED HIS KNIVES & KILLED FOR BRACKEN/SIMMONS/LOKSAT!

RC: Speaking of your sister-- VG: let's not.

Hm, becks' desk buddy has stuff on it. Hector Nunez doesn't have a ~ over the second n tho... they saw him buy a package from this guy & at some point they also caught him with cocaine on him & they said you do what you have to do to get thru the work day

Are you sure? He was a devil he'd never get mixed up with even if you loved him as a kid?

Ooh love the music! bring esposito he speaks spanish. Hey which countries speak portugese (& I know a few speak french) as their colonial language? I mean in the americas. well besides quebec which by a linguistic standard is latin america. I do know that a lot of ppl still speak their native languages which is awesome (up here in canada even us natives barely speak any most of the time, & some places esp the caribbean have lost their languages almost entirely. only a few words that have been adopted into local dialects or other languages. rly sad.)

Clipping hairy Ah dancing my beloved I learned how to play pool the other day. My little brother is SO good at math & has such long arms that we were ahead most of hte time & even on a team with me (I SUCK) we lost by literally one ball to my older bro (who plays a lot of online pool) & my uncle's gf (who doesn't play much but knows how).

Whatever it is: I didn't do it. My man looks genuinely torn up abt this. HN: Who did this? RC: Well we were thinking you. HN: RC: ...might be able to tell us.

Maria said hector nunez tried to get peter in the gang, but hector said he didn't let the gang take peter.

Oh yeah this is all about money. Suisse federal smth. Yeah ofc. HN: I wrote it down in case something went wrong. Smart man! lol becks is taking a pic of som1's phone!?

Gates looks so nice. It was very need-to-know in the first place bros. oOH ESPOSITO OUTFIT! RC: seems kind of passwordy to me! RC: Hacker voice, "We're in!" Castle you've done it again! JE: :| Won't clip

wow $25m is a lot. JE: some expensive sand

Another way? Going to talk to your sis. Oof. Love how they have similar enough looking gals to be sisters. We know she's Black, but she's like,, north african black not sub saharan. She has those awesome cheekbones. Ooh AG! that's what beckett worked under! Oh greater good episode title. Hey isn't the point of not playing the game.. gates' entire thing? Isn't that why she went into internal affairs? Ah letter vs spirit. Another one? This has happened before?

(was she EVER going to be on the list?)

Why would you sit there with the headphones only half on? Do they.. hurt your head? KR: (sighs) I feel bad for Gates. My sisters can never work together. I tell you, when the two of them went at it, oof. (I thought he had 3 sisters... unless he was talking about victoria & elizabeth.) JE: I wouldn’t mind going at it with Gates’s sister. BRO. (reminds me of the audio commentary JE/JH: "I'll win her over. I keep winking at her & blowing her kisses.") & ryan also only puts the headphones half on! (at least they are headphones, not playing this out for the whole world.)

Let me hear the spanish. I am hard of hearing Let Me Read The Spanish! I always love it when russian or spanish or apparently mandarin show up & the characters can speak it. We should have gotten more of alexis speaking french tho. Also I loooove esposito's tie (& his tie & outfit mix) & ryan too rly pretty <3.

over 100! OVER 400! world famous ISH but you don't need to invite your international fans castle! & there is bound to be some crossover. I REMEMBER THE FACT THAT AUNT THERESA POSTED CRAP ABT HIM ON FACEBOOK I LOVE HOW THEY BROUGHT IT BACK Martha my beloved. To clip or not to clip? That's why I have a baby brother (or sometimes big brother) beside me to keep me in line. Alas neither is here. Well I decided to clip apparently.

pic of her & her sis in the desk. how RECENT was their falling-out? (also they are way more Black in that photo than they are as adults wow)

ONLY THREE? Martha u know this is HIS wedding not yours... Btw has castle ever had any step-dads or really good mom's boyfriends? like uncle chet who was uncle to both alexis & rick bc he is not quite family but he is also married in so he is family in law... Nearly 600...

KR: (he thinks) I have a lot of relatives that hate me now. (clipping this lmao) & grabbing a pic of some outfits.

Of COURSE I've heard of armando garcia! I love this consolate guy Mexico city?

Is it really that easy to change your identity? No way. He also totally would have been found.

Find the truth. Are internet cafes real?

Ooh also really nice slightly purple colour & green shirt I like castle's look. & you can see ryan's phone in his pocket /pos Ew watching ppl's dealing in internet cafes? gross.

Why would she blame you? you're just doing your job. Like when becks was in the ag's office & everyonne was mad.

Gates backstory moments: He skimmed a few eight balls off the very boss Elizabeth was building her case around. When my office caught him reselling it, she came to me. Begged me not to file charges. Asked me to think of the greater good. (she pauses) I did my job that day, too. IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG?

you're not telling her that he compromised her case, you're saving her from him having sabotaged your case!

Jamie Burman stole it bc he knew where it was now? Stephanie goldmark, did you really just... leave your computer like that? & did the rest of you have permission to search her computer? unless it is a work computer in which case you can do anything you want ig. HOLD ON THE CAPTIONS CALL IT BERMAN THE TRANSCRIPT SAYS BURMAN IDK WHAT IS GOING ON.

Does he not know abt the investigation or is he faking?

*deletes you forever!!!!* *you still exist as metadata*

Peter/armando: I came to the US believing in the American dream, so I worked hard and tried to be honest in a corrupt government, plants drugs on me, threatens to destroy my future, all because you need someone to testify? How am I supposed to still believe? I did everything I could to play by the rules, but no one else does. So by the time you hear this, I’ll be gone. Remember that one cop who was doing a demonstration at a school on, well basically how to plant drugs on someone? & then he had two kids volunteer to do a demo & the kids pretended one was in labour? Yeah I'm just thinking about them.

Oh no she's going to blame herself for goldie doing that

following our captain's lead! Beckett & Gates are the best. I love them. I love their relationship.

Weston: but at least I won’t embarrass myself in court presenting evidence that is untrue.

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AGAIN!

KB: I think we have to decide why we’re actually having this wedding. I mean, are we doing this not to insult hundreds of people or are we doing this for us? some of those people would go only bc they don't want to offend you. You should get a wedding photoshoot done now, send a photo & a non-invitation saying "sorry we missed you. We don't have the space for everyone we want to invite, but we still wanted you to have some wedding pics. luv u bye." "We're getting married! *both of them dressed up in wedding gear blowing a kiss to the reader*." On the inside it says, "We're getting married in (season). If you would like photos, please let us know." & then don't invite them. Idk. Idk! screw this, the only reason he's inviting half those ppl is so they don't feel left out that he's inviting their mutual friends.

just "you" no name? Not "me & you" why did one write on the left & the other on the right? Weird. Also totally expected rick to write alexis & stop there. HEY I REMEMBER MADDIE! you don't need to invite gates' family. Just her & a plus-one. & that is just one, not her sister & kids!

I would invite: my parents, my bros, my step-mom (but none of her kids unless the one son wants to come which he probably wouldn't bc it's loud & boring & he's autistic so like.. noise), two friends from culinary school, maybe a third, possibly a fourth but then I'd get into the "If I invite them I have to invite them" trap so only those two, my crew from jr high (& the parents of only one), a family friends 1, family friends 2, no other family friends bc I'm not close w them, & then I started writing it down. My grandparents & aunt & uncles. No family past that, partially bc they live not-close, or at least that's my excuse. & then my 3 martial arts instructors & that's it. Not my older bro's friends I like, nobody from work, none of my second cousins or mom's cousins or dad's cousins, even tho I'd love to invite a lot of them. Probably not that new friend I made. Nobody online. I could get more martial arts friends, my violin teachers, & my old educational assistants- actually yeah I'd invite the person I used to consider my best friend+ until it moved away for college, but tbh probably not our other friend or anyone from the pride club any year, not my hot/cold friend, you know what? I definitely WOULD invite my ed assistants. Not the most recent ta tho, none of my other fave teachers. This stuff is easy. I'm sure after I post this I'd remember so many ppl I need to invite or could invite but wouldn't if I was keeping the list small. Like mu bus friends. All the ppl I included in my "note" a few years back. Actually yeah no yeah that was a very similar experience. I didn't have a lot to say to a lot of people, but I wanted to get everybody sometimes I gave ppl their own pages bc I included a specific person from the group they were in & didn't want to exclude them. I wouldn't invite my childhood best friend. (tho I did invite my jr high crew). None of my international friends-- actually yk what I WOULD invite them. Let them take a vacation here at the same time! Well no I wouldn't. but still. Not my inuit/dutch high school friend. Anyone I had a sleepover with? Not that friend, she was a little bit physically abusive, not those family friends but I like them for sure, not the childhood one, already the middleschool ones, nobody from Camp... Yeah. (just finished the below paragraph) I remembered some more family friends... & forgot them. ig they weren't important enough to invite. choire? no. Moved south? no. mum's friends? no. Crud I can't remember.

edit: I forgot my best friend from late jr high

Moving on, that's the end of the ep. They are just going to re-up their lists. You know what they should do? Whitelist each other's lists. say "yes these people, the rest can be cut" w/o saying "no these people, & we still have to cut more"

fudge I shouldn't have done that, now I feel like writing down every person I have ever fricking met & labelling them yes or no. Oh. I'm so frustrated because I'm not on my meds. but i'm too fucked up to get up & take em. I'm fucking stuck & I don't want to get up until I remember the thing. Adhd based issue here but I need my mood stabilizers. fuck & the typing of my bro is so loud & annoying & hell even I'm struggling to type rn.

just let me end the post idk how to end the post in a way that sounds complete & good to post.

Yes.

that was me being messed up.

amen.

yes that was castle episode. amen. all good.

love you bye.

edit: I realize why I was so messed up. I was late taking my meds & starting my period. Speaking of which, I need to take my testosterone shot today

#castle 6x19 #castle 6x19 spoilers #castle 6x19 quote #the gates sister episode

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iguessweallcrazyithinktho · 3 years

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𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒘𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒕 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 2

Part 1

Hiii I don't know if you take request but can i request like a chris evans x reader like the reader and chris are married and chris is having a bad day or something so chris go out to the pub and go home drunk and its been going for 3 days and the reader and chris has a 6year old and the reader have been doing all the work and taking care of they're daughter and they're daughter miss chris bc chris is never home and just go home until 12 or 2 in the morning or if chris is home he never play with her daughter and they're daughter is sad abt it bc they're daughter though chris doesn't love her anymore and chris miss her play in school even though chris promise so that day when chris miss her daughter's play the reader confront chris abt it and chris said he doesn't care abt his daughter and he said he didn't know why he married the reader bc she's clingy but chris didn't know that they're daughter heard what chris said abt her and chris didn't know also that the reader is 6-7 weeks pregnant and the reader and chris heard they're daughter sob and that moment chris realize it all his mistakes? and apologize to them idk if this make sense and im sorry if this is so longg, thank you in advance stay safe! <3

𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒕

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝒄𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈

𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝒄𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔 𝒆𝒗𝒂𝒏𝒔 𝒙 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓, 𝒅𝒂𝒅! 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔

𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒕 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕

Chris paced back and forth as he tried to call you for the 10th time. It was the next day, he was sober and the images from last night clouded his brain. Seeing the pain and anger on your face as he said he wish he never married you.

Seeing isabella crying from his disgusting words. That hurt him the most, he regret everything.

The phone went to voicemail again making Chris groan. You had every right to not talk to you, but he wanted to know you and isabella was okay. You were still his wife.

Chris sighed sitting down on the couch. He rubbed his eyes with his palm, exhaling for the hundredth time.

The house phone on the table beside the couch rung causing Chris to quickly grab it. He thought it was you but no, it was your doctor.

"hi is this Mrs Evans?" Chris frowned, "uh no but this is Mr Evans." Chris said, he was deeply confused.

"oh well you tell Mrs Evans that have her next appointment date to check on the baby."

Chris stood up, he wasn't sure he heard right. "I'm sorry, the baby?"

The innocence lady on the other side of the phone phone gasped, "oh I'm sorry, you didn't know."

"no it's fine." Chris sighed softly, his heart picking up speed in his chest. "I'll tell her, thank you." He hung up the phone throwing it onto the couch. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He mumbled to himself. He really needed to find you and isabella.

You laid in the uncomfortable bed, isabella sleeping soundly beside you. It was around 8 in the morning and thoughts from yesterday filled your mind.

"I wish I never married you"

"Forget isabella, I don't care about her stupid play"

It hurt just knowing he thought those things. It took some time last night, but you managed to go to sleep around 3am. Now it was morning time, you were in a crappy hotel, and Chris was blowing up your phone like crazy.

You sighed pulling back the blanket. You walked to the bathroom. You looked in the mirror, your almost 3 month along bump was showing. You tore your eyes from it looking at your face. You were trying not to think about Chris in that moment.

"get it together y/n." You whispered to yourself.

"mommy." You looked back to the doorway seeing isabella. Her stuff bear was in her hands as she rubbed her sleepy eye with the other hand.

"good morning honey."

You walked over to her, "did you sleep good?" Isabella looked up at you. "Yeah, I slept great." You laughed, "that's great. Uh do you wanna go get some breakfast? We can eat some pancakes and waffles, what you say bug?"

Isabella started to think, it was almost like you can see the wheels turning in her head. "Uhh yeah. Can we see daddy too?"

Your stomach did a flip, you didn't think she'll be okay with what he said about her, but She was 6 so maybe that was the reason.

"umm... Yeah, yeah. We can see daddy." Isabella smiled, "okay, I watch TV now." She walked back over to the bed, hopping in it. You exhaled, running your hands over your face. Here goes nothing you thought to yourself.

Chris phone ringing interrupting him from his daze. He picked it up seeing your contact. His heart picked up as he answered it.

"y/n, are you okay?" On the other side of the phone you sighed, "yeah, I'm fine. Look um isabella want see you so can you meet us at the diner at (some street name)?"

Chris nodded even though you couldn't see him. "Yeah, of course." He walked to the foyer to put on his shoes. "Umm, I love you." Chris said. He wasn't expecting you to say it back, but you did. When you did, his heart skipped and a smile formed on his face.

You hung up the phone. You let out a sigh once again. Here goes nothing.

You sat in the diner, isabella beside you coloring in the booklet they gave her. You both were waiting for Chris to come.

Your mind was filled, you couldn't even figure out what you were thinking about at all at this point.

After waiting a few more minutes, you heard the diner door open. In walked Chris. In his hands was a bouquet of flowers and stuffed animal. You were guessing it was his apologize.

He walked over to you both, just like yours, his heart was beating pretty hard in his chest.

"hey." Chris smiled shyly at you as you got up. "Hi." You tore your eyes from his, looking down at isabella. She was looking up at her daddy with a soft smile on her face. Chris kneeled down to her height. "Hi baby." He said to her softly. "I'm sorry for yesterday, I didn't mean any of it, I promise. Can you forgive me?"

isabella's small smile grew to a bigger one. "Yeah." Chris smiled at her. "Okay, give me a hug."

Isabella giggled as she Wrapped her arms around his neck. Chris hugged her close. He felt relived she forgave him, he felt so bad for saying what he said to her and he's going to spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

He pulled away from her, he handed the stuffed animal to her before standing back up.

He looked back at you. "Uh these are for you. It's not an apology, I'll give you a sincere apology later, but for now I have these." He looked at you, he had bags under his eyes from his sleepless night, and tear streaks on his cheeks from the crying he did.

you quickly tore your eyes from His taking the flowers. "Thanks." You cleared your throat. "Uh shall we have breakfast?"

Chris inhaled, "yeah." He walked over to the opposite side of the table and took a seat. You did the same sitting back beside isabella. You all ordered trying to forget about the tension that was very much between you and Chris. It was nice that you both were talking, but you just couldn't wait for the much needed talk later that night.

It was around 8 pm. You and Chris decided to drop her off at his mom's house. You didn't want what happened the day before to happen again.

You sat on the couch fiddling with your shirt end. Chris was in the kitchen getting you both something to drink before you talked.

"so um.. I got you some water." Chris said walking over to you handing you the glass of water. You thanked him Taking a sip before placing it on the coffee table. Chris sat beside you with a sigh.

"I.. I'm sorry for yesterday. I didn't mean any of it. It just slipped out because I was drunk and tired, I wasn't in my right head space in the moment and I took out on you and Bella and I'm sorry." He breathed out. He scanned your face waiting for you to speak. You shook your head, you didn't look at him but you spoke.

"yeah you're sorry, but you really hurt me. I wish I was never, that's fucked up and it hurts so much. If you never wanted to marry me why did you?"

You turned to Chris, tears threatening to spill over. The look on your face hurted Chris, he fucked up big time and he knew it.

"no, I didn't mean that, I swear. I love you more than anything. I don't regret marrying you, it was just a stupid mistake... I'm sorry baby."

Tears were starting to form in chris' eye. He felt guilty, he knew no amount of words could fix what he done but he was sorry more than anything.

"you promise?" You looked at him. Your lips were trembling Because of your crying.

"I promise." Chris said. He cupped your cheek with his hand. He placed a light kiss on your nose, but it wasn't enough for you. You went way too long without kissing him, you weren't going to waste another second not.

You grabbed his chin kissing him. Somehow his chap lips felt soft. They felt like home to you, you missed them so much.

You pulled away looking back at Chris. "I have something I need to tell you." You said fiddling with his hands.

"I'm pregnant."

Chris gave you a sour look, you already knew why. "You know?" Chris nodded, "the doctor called. they have an appointment for you, they want you to call them back to tell you."

You exhaled, "well... Surprise." You laughed making Chris smile. He missed that sound. He's been gone for so many nights he totally forgot how it sounded.

"can I come to the next appointment?" Chris pouted his lip making you laugh. "Of course you can. You need to your little peanut. I'm thinking it's a boy"

Chris frowned, "no I'm pretty sure it's a girl."

"you haven't seen them yet." You said to him Rolling your eyes playfully. "I know but I want another princess."

"touche."

It's not that good but thank you for reading. I had fun breaking y'all hurts on the first part lol

@chris-butt @patzammit @bval-1 @raveviolet @mrsbbarnesrogers-reading @enn-j @london-dreamer71 @harrysthiccthighss @captianamerica-is-bae @la-cey @weirdowithnobeardo @baby-i-am-fireproof @denisemarieangelina @evans713 @smyfmj @thereisa8ella @rororo06 @keiva1000 @ughitsnic @adriannajackson123 @marvelnaturalock @notyourtypicalrose @dummiesshort @onetwo3000 @hhiggs @katiew1973 @andreasworlsboring101 @skepticnovak @funfickgirl22 @hxnesthxneybee @christhickevans @melchills-j @franchesca-791 @moonlacebeam @wallowsgirl14 @areamir

@thevelvetseries @chaoticfiretaconerd @chrisevansgirl34 @a-moment-captured @shookbeech @pamelalur15 @llamaproblem @jessyballet @hazeljean2 @ohbarracuda @mrspeacem1nusone @n3ssm0nique @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl @chrisevanisliterallysir @beautiful--blessing @coldmuffinpartycloud @mylittlecrazyworldofinterest @writingmeow29 @corrinez

#chris evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans imagines

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quillsink · 2 years

Text

blorbos from my mind 2/??

Aight so y’all remember my oc James right?? And I talked abt how he’s mostly friends with John, Chris and Alan, so, time to introduce y’all to Alan!!

So in case y’all don’t remember, this story is set during the American Revolution, and centred around a group of men in their early to mid 20s! The main character is James Evans, and then there’s his friends Alan and Chris, and John of course, and Alex is there are more of a supporting character but comes into his element after the war.

Now, ladies gentlemen and gender neutral nobility, I introduce to you, Captain Alan Jameson, 23. He comes from a small town in the middle of nowhere in Connecticut.

He spent his childhood in his father’s dilapidated wooden cabin, which is to say, he spent his childhood trying to find any way possible to avoid staying in his father’s dilapidated wooden cabin.

And for a father, young Alan had a tall, fair-skinned man with salt and pepper hair, blurry eyes and an unsteady gait, whose screams were all too easy to trigger, whose bottles shattered into glass on Alan’s skin all too frequently.

And as for a father, Alan now? He had none. The man who was his father in his childhood was probably dead in a ditch somewhere or living the remainder of his pathetic life in the same old wooden cabin, and Alan could not care less.

And as for a mother, Alan had none. Logically, he knew, he must’ve had a mother at some point, but whether by her will or through unfortunate circumstances she had not been present during his childhood. Alan imagined her sometimes, though he never told anyone, he imagined her a woman who looked like him, the same silky dark hair and brown eyes, so unlike his father’s dull grey.

He had heard bits and pieces throughout his childhood, but he could never put them together to form the full picture. Bits of glass, shattered against his skin. Blood. Blood. Blood.

So I sorta went off there. Anyways 😭

So Alan’s shithead of a father is just like. Straight up violent, Alan does all he can to avoid him and spends his childhood mostly like, fucking around in the forest. He goes to school til like, fifth grade before his dad forces him into a job.

So Alan’s half Vietnamese! His dads white and his mom’s Vietnamese. He never met his mom, or maybe he doesn’t recall her because he was so young. But yeah his moms pretty much a mystery!

Alan’s cis and uses he/him, he’s also aro and gay! He doesn’t know much about like LGBT stuff bc 1 he was pretty alone growin up 2 this is the 18th century people so all the queer shit in his life happens when he joins the army

Alan’s pretty quiet and he doesn’t say much but his internal monologue sounds like a pub during happy hour, loud and never-ending. He’s over six feet tall and pretty intimidating and James was honestly slightly terrified of him when he first met him (still is)

And, there are two things he does not tell anyone. One, he is alone. Two, he is afraid. God, he is so afraid.

Alan’s got black hair which is rather long and untidy, a square jaw, fair skin and dark brown eyes, so dark they’re almost black.

He’s got a ✨ lot ✨ of issues due to his isolated and shitty childhood and is refusing to work on them at all but with the help of his friends, life gets a bit better.

And, speaking of friends, lemme talk about Alan and James holy SHIT there is sooo much going on in here I could fill a whole book

Now, Alan and James. Both of them enlist on the same day, when the militia in both of their states is being moved to Philadelphia to support the Continental army, and it’s after a long day of marching and dust and aching feet that James collapses onto the grass where they are to set up camp.

When the militia Alan is part of reaches camp, he walks around, taking in the endless grass fields and the river to the east, breathing in the fresh air. And then he notices something next to his right foot.

Or rather, someone.

The man’s eyes are soon wide open and he scrambles to his feet, saying, “Er—sorry—thought no one was here—yknow, camp’s to the west, and, uh, um-”

Alan takes in the figure in front of him, a freckled soldier of medium height with honest brown eyes and a mop of brown hair, and tries not to laugh. There’s something in his earnest anxiety that’s almost endearing.

“It’s alright, mate,” Alan says, laughing. “Everyone’s exhausted, I swear, half the Connecticut militia dropped dead by the time we reached camp.”

He laughs too, now, then looks at Alan standing there steadily and not at all tired, then says drily, “Everyone? Are you quite sure about that?”

Alan laughs, then holds out his hand. “Jameson, Captain Alan Jameson, Connecticut militia.”

The man looks at him for a second with an expression Alan almost recognises and then shakes his hand. “Captain James Evans, New York militia.”

“Pleasure to meet you, even if it must be in such...unusual circumstances,” Alan says, glancing down at the patch of grass where James lay not a minute ago.

James laughs, clear and loud, and says, “Pleasure to meet you too, Captain Jameson.”

Okay if I give details we’ll be here forever but basically, they are both ✨ loners ✨ and have no friends in their militia so when the tents are thrown in a pile by the Lieutenant and they’re yelled at to pair up and set up their tents Alan and James are like. Welp. U win by default ig. And end up having to live together.

Now James is Very Very Gay and knows it so is spending his entire time in camp just. Gay panicking lmfao and Alan is just suppressing it all so he doesn’t even notice anything.

Slowly, day by day, they start to become friends, learning the little things about each other. When they both stay up late into the night, Alan slipping out of the tent to do god knows what and James wandering into the forest, they both find each other sneaking back into camp and ungodly hours and laugh. They end up roped into campfires and fun times but end up wandering around, talking of anything and everything.

Alan, being the one with the most experience in physical activity, ends up assisting the not so agile James during drills, and James jokes that Alan would be able to carry him bridal-style with ease, and before he can realise what he’s said Alan grins at him and says “If you’ll have me, sir,” and it’s all James can think about for the rest of the day.

And through winter and summer, half hearted drills and bloodshed in battle, long nights laughing under the stars and hot, dry afternoons training until James collapses the second they reach their tent, Alan and James are there for each other.

James is there for Alan when he enters the tent one night to find him staring at his own shadow on the fabric of the tent, a glint in his eye that isn’t normally there. Tears. And he sits and he listens, he listens as everything comes tumbling out, his childhood spent on tiptoes hoping to God his father wouldn’t hear, his childhood spent being alone alone alone, his teenage years spent hiding, his young adult years spent running and scraping and saving and working and being alone and scared and little, and this confident, smiling, sarcastic man falls into pieces right before him.

Alan is there for James when James asks him if he can tell him something and tells him something he has never told anyone else before and half expects Alan to walk out of the tent or shout or look at him in disgust and all Alan does is pull him into a hug and hold him close, so close James can smell his scent of fresh linen and wood and grass and say “I’ve got you, James. And if any shitfaced little bastard dares say anything, I’ve got a rough childhood *and* army training, the fucker will never see sunlight again,” and James laughs into his shoulder and holds him close. He never wants to let go.

And it’s strange, for both of them, it’s new, having someone who asks how you are, who’s worried if you get hurt. Someone who cares. And little by little, the darkness inside Alan begins to retreat, replaced by something new. Light. A smile, a freckled face with hazel eyes, a hug and a clear laugh and hope.

And that’s not all!

Now, there’s one problem. James, has, sort of, yknow, fallen in love with Alan. And Alan, sort of, yknow, has no fuckin idea.

Now I don’t want to spoil much but basically Alan’s aro as I said before and this twists together with the loneliness inside of him, making him feel empty empty empty because that’s what he needs, right? A nice girl.

But first there is one thing that means he cannot have that, an indifference to the pretty girls in his town and a realisation in the back of his mind during his teenage years, the way he couldn’t breathe when Clark Smith had flashed him a smile one day at the market, the way he held his head down and changed as quickly as possible in changing rooms.

And then another thing, too. The way he watched his acquaintances in slowly grow up, and by fifteen the boys and girls were all paired up, and his favourite tree in the schoolyard was occupied by a boy and a girl speaking in low whispers, and boys met girls in alleyways and the doorways of large townhouses, and Alan? He felt nothing. He heard his friend describe the girl he was courting—”Ah, Jameson, Lucy’s a real beauty, can’t you see? But more than that, she’s so sweet and I can’t help but love her, it’s like there’s butterflies in my stomach”—and all Alan can do is nod half-heartedly and think it sounds rather like Williams might have a stomach flu of some sort.

Okay that’s all I can say without spoiling it!!

Anyways, if you have read this far thank u for putting up with my rambling and have a good day!!

#aryan talks #alan jameson #james alan and chris #my ocs

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years

Text

lost my everything

Summary- while revealing something to spencer, you confess something during the process. he didn't know how to react, which led to a terrible accident in which he might lose you forever.

TW: talk abt mental and physical abuse, alluding to death, talk about self-harm, SAD ENDING

WC- 3,152

a/n - please don't read if you're sensitive to self-harm or talk about emotional and physical abuse because reader goes into discussion about these things. i care about you and your safety so if you need to talk about anything please seek help or my inbox is always open! you are loved and you are needed <3

masterlist

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one thing about being the youngest member of the team meant that the second-youngest member was drawn to you.

that second youngest member happened to be spencer reid.

you had just had another paperwork day today since you got back from one the night previous. you were currently in the conference room discussing the case before we got off-topic, curtesy of spencer's coffee problem.

"i might have a slight problem with my coffee addiction, but there are many studies that go to show the benefits of drinking coffee. supposedly, drinking coffee could extend your life period, strengthen your liver, increase your body's glucose production, and even-"

"okay, that's all for today guys. go home and get rest before a case comes in," hotch interjected and warned.

you placed your hand on spencer's arm, this time underneath the table, as his face began to fall from disappointment. he turned to face and gave a tight-lipped grin before you removed my hand and we both stood up.

"so, spence, my place or yours for the doctor who marathon this time?" you said as he grabbed his bag from his desk.

"we went to mine last, so we can just go to yours this time," he said with his natural pep back. "besides, i kinda like your apartment better," he shrugged with another wide smile.

"clearly you do," you joked. "you almost always say my place," you laughed as you both joined jj. pen, and emily in the elevator.

"hey, y/n, would you wanna go to o'kiefs with us tonight?" jj offered kindly.

"already got plans. maybe next time!" you said with a smile, turning back to see spencer wearing the same smile on your face.

honestly, you and spencer have gone to the bar with the team a few times. you weren't opposed to going with them, you just knew that going meant everyone would pressure you to drink alcohol.

last time, you had succumbed to peer pressure. spencer had to drive you home and hold your hair as you puked into the toilet, it was a very good bonding experience. you didn't remember much, but you do remember you convinced him to stay the night, although he did end up sleeping on the couch rather than in the bed with you.

"after last time, i don't blame you, y/l/n," emily laughed out, giving a concerned look recalling the memories flooding her mind.

"next time we won't pressure you so much!" penny consoled. "i didn't know how much you meant it when you said you can't handle your alcohol," she winced.

"yea... i really meant it," you laughed out, trying to shed some light on the subject. the elevator opened, allowing you to go your separate ways for the night. "have fun you guys!" you called as you walked to your car with spencer.

spencer and you have been carpooling to work ever since you learned he took the metro to work and only lived a couple blocks from your apartment complex. you couldn't stand the thought of something bad happening to him while on the train, so you've offered to give him a ride there and back ever since.

in return, spencer insisted on paying for daily coffee runs for the two of you. it was his way 'of returning the fuel money in another type of fuel.'

you and spencer crawled into the car and began the drive back to your place. it wasn't too long to your place, only a 20-minute drive, but being with spencer made it feel like half that.

"do you even remember what happened the last time you went to the bar with them?" spencer laughed.

"not exactly..." you grimaced. "just that you took me home, there was a bit of puking, and i coerced you to stay the night. and you slept on the couch, which is absolutely ridiculous! i mean, i was the one who practically made you stay, so shouldn't i have slept on the couch? it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before," you ranted.

"you're right, we have slept in the same bed before," he clarified. "but each time we did that you weren't drunk out of your mind," he sassed.

"ha-ha, spence," you mocked. "i did say i couldn't handle my alcohol. is there anything you wanna fill me in on?"

truthfully, yes.

there was something he wanted to fill you in on.

he wanted to tell you how you confessed your past to him.

he wanted to tell you how you kissed him right after...

and he kissed you back.

he could still remember the way your lips tasted, still covered by the vodka from the shots you took hours before.

but he didn't want you to think less of him since he kissed you back.

he just couldn't help it.

he'd been helplessly in love with you for so long, yearning to be with you as more than friends... as more than what he thought you wanted. but that kiss was his hope.

it was hope that maybe you felt a fraction of the chemistry he did. it was hope that maybe even if you didn't like him, you still had an attraction towards him in some kind of way. it was hope that maybe you would grow those same feelings for him.

but no matter how much 'hope' that kiss gave him, he shouldn't have kissed you back. he knew how vulnerable you were by telling him about your history of abuse.

you told him about your parents. about how they would throw you around when they were high, or drunk, or both. you told him about how they would call you worthless, a whore, stupid, good-for-nothing, basically every name in the book. but you didn't tell him about how you coped with the abuse.

so, when he told you how amazing you are to be able to turn your life around how you did, and how beautiful you are and always have been, you couldn't help but embrace him with a kiss.

you kissed him.

and he kissed you.

in a wonderful, vulnerable moment, he kissed you back as he'd always wanted to each night you spent with each other.

"nope," he shook his head. "nothing to fill you in on."

"i guess that's good," you shrugged.

he also wanted to know if you'd ever tell him about what happened when you were in your right mind. he wanted to know that you trusted him with your darkest secret that you accidentally already spilled to him.

although, maybe you should know about what you admitted to him. it was your life, after all. it was your past that you revealed to him in a simple drunken mistake.

"actually..." spencer started, taking a deep breath as he looked into your eyes. "you did mention something."

"okay... what'd i mention?" you wondered.

"you told me about..." he tried to find the right words to say. "about your parents."

"oh...?" you began to realize what you had admitted to him that very night, still not remembering the events that followed. "i didn't want you to find out like that..." you trailed off.

"i figured you didn't," he gave a small grin. you looked over at him hesitantly.

you thought about all the ways you could react to this. you could block him out and act like it was his fault you drunkenly confessed your past. you could ignore the fact that you told him at all and just move on, burrowing all the emotions inside of you once again. or, you could try to finally move on from what happened and how you coped with it by talking to spencer about it.

"when we get to my place, would you mind if we held off on the marathon? i should probably elaborate a bit more," you asked meekly.

"of course we can. we can do whatever you want tonight, y/n," he soothed, placing a hand on your lower thigh comfortingly.

you drove back to your place in silence, the both of you anticipating the conversation awaiting you.

when you finally entered your apartment, you both shed your coats by the door, hanging them on the hook, placed your guns and badged on the table beside the hook, and sat down on the couch comfortably. you crossed your legs, your knee up in the air, as spencer sat down with his knee touching the one still on the couch.

"so... how much did i say?" you asked curiously.

"you talked about the emotional and physical abuse, but nothing too in depth," he confirmed.

"when i was young, about 12, my parents got into a minor car accident," you began telling him about your past, trying to recall the memories with little hurt or pain. "they weren't at fault, it was a drunk teenager, but they each got addicted to their pain meds from the hospital. i would be asleep when they would come home from a night out, drunk and high out of their minds. i remember the first night it happened. i wandered in the living room, curious of what the ruckus was, and was greeted by my dad's hand slapping me across my face," you chuckled humorlessly, not knowing what other reaction was appropriate.

"he told me i shouldn't have been up or seen what they were doing. he was furious," you furrowed your brows as tears began to well in your eyes at the memory as spencer gingerly placed his hand comfortingly on your knee, scooting a tad bit closer to you. "after that night it became almost a pattern of his. he would come home and then get upset from his high coming down, and take it out on me. my mom just laughed and watched as he would hit me."

"eventually, they started just belittling me. they would say i was a coward for not standing up for myself. they would say i was stupid, or worthless. they especially liked to call me 'a waste of space,' i think that one was their favorite," you took a shaky, deep breath as you knew you were about to reveal for the first time to anyone what you would do to cope with the abuse.

"eventually i started to believe them. i started to believe the things they said about me. i thought i truly was an ugly, undeserving, piece of garbage," you turned to see spencer's eyes full of tears, mirroring your own. "i would self-harm because i believed them. each night after they were done with their own abuse, i felt so... frustrated. the only way i could get that frustration out was to do that. the scars are still there, taunting me of how weak i was to not just endure the pain," you finished.

you didn't even realize tears were streaming down your eyes until you noticed the few on spencer's cheek. he reached his hand up to wipe the tears on your face, ignoring that of his own.

"you aren't weak, y/n. you are unbelievably strong for getting through that. you have to know how amazing you are," he told you, demanding you to see you the way he saw you.

because the way he saw you, you were beyond perfect. you were so much stronger for going through that. if anything, knowing you went through that made him think you were that much more amazing.

and honestly, the way you were thinking is that when you told spencer, he might think less of you. he might think you were dumb for doing that to yourself, inflicting pain upon your own body to relieve yourself of pain.

that was anything but true.

"s-so you don't think any less of me?" you asked confused, looking into his eyes for any tells of his lying.

"absolutely not. if anything i think you're stronger now that i know what you've endured," he assured you, moving a stray piece of hair behind your ear as he moved even closer to you.

"thank you so much, spencer," you said as you lunged forward, your arms immediately pulling him closer around his neck into a hug.

"you don't need to thank me, y/n," he started as he rubbed circles in your back soothingly. "if it helps anything at all... i think your amazing. i always have, and i always will."

"spencer..." you pulled back and looked into his eyes. "just... i need to tell you one more thing."

"alright," he nodded, prompting you to continue.

"i uhm, i'm in love with you," you bit your lip in anticipation for his response.

he didn't say anything.

he couldn't say anything.

he wanted to say something, but he didn't know how.

he didn't even know if you actually said that, or if you were just a figment of his imagination.

because at this point, he felt so much more for you than love.

he was infatuated with you.

but you read it as rejection, so you quickly unhinged your arms from around his neck and retreated into a ball while on the couch.

"i-i'm sorry," you said after quickly realizing the reality of the situation.

he didn't feel the same.

"you d-don't need to say it back. i shouldn't have sprung that on you. i-i've just felt that way for so long, and i thought that maybe you did too, but i shouldn't have assumed anything. i'm so sorry," you looked at him, waiting for him to say anything. to admit anything.

"oh god, and i just spilled everything to you," you ran your hand through your hair.

silence.

"i think i need to go for a walk," you said, getting up from the couch and rushing out the door after grabbing your coat.

you opted for taking the stairs to run outside, being the quickest option.

spencer was speechless, still sitting on your couch, dumbfounded.

he was overwhelmed with emotions.

you loved him?

he couldn't believe that someone so smart, so beautiful, so kind, so funny, so... everything would ever love him.

and he was too late to say it back.

he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that you loved him, so he just sat there in awe of this revelation.

by the time he realized what you had said, and was ready to say it back, you were already out of the door and down the stairs.

you were walking all too fast with tears flooding your eyesight.

you had just lost the one person you loved the most. the one person who's always there for you. the only person you've felt a connection with. you lost your everything.

by the time spencer ran down the stairs in an attempt to chase you, you were nowhere to be found. he could always call your cell, but he wanted to admit his undying love and affection in person, not over some dumb cellular device.

you didn't know where you were going, just letting your feet take you wherever they pleased. it had been a bit cold and you had left everything at your place, so you began rubbing your arms in search for more friction.

you were walking around a corner when you were pulled into an alley by some random white guy. with a harsh hand on your arm, you whined out quietly from the sudden pain.

you didn't have your gun.

"money! NOW!" he demanded. you stayed there with tears in your eyes, too emotional to speak.

your wallet was back at the house.

"are you too dumb to speak? i said MONEY!" he said, pushing a gun you were now made aware of into your stomach.

"i-i don't have my wallet," you admitted with a shaky voice, tears now streaming down your face faster than before.

the night was supposed to be another night with spencer, watching your favorite show and being with your favorite person. you were supposed to be cuddled up on his couch, probably falling asleep in his arms by now.

and now you were being mugged and were probably going to get hurt in one way or another.

"and why is that, doll?" he pushed the gun further into your lower stomach .

"i-i was in a r-rush. i s-swear i d-don't have anyth-thing!" you stuttered, trying to convince him to let you go.

"too bad... you've already seen my face. let's hope you have a nice nap," he growled before pulling the trigger, a bullet running through your lower stomach.

spencer was near you when the bullet went off. he was walking home.

you didn't even realize it, but you were walking in the direction of your love's own home when you were ambushed.

he heard the gun go off.

he naturally ran into the alley with his gun raised, ready to fire at anyone fleeing the scene. he managed to take the guy down with a single bullet before realizing it was you who was shot.

he quickly grabbed his phone and dialed 911 and demanded an ambulance at the corner of 5th and maine, alerting them that an agent was down.

"Y/N!" he yelled, running to kneel beside your limp body. "please, no..." he pleaded.

he put his hand to your neck in an attempt to find any pulse. there was a weak one. there was that hope again. he pulled you onto his lap, your body now resting atop his.

"stay with me. i-i didn't get to tell you how i felt," he cried as he put pressure on where the blood was coming out.

"sp-spencer?" you asked, barely regaining consciousness.

"it's me, y/n. i'm here," he soothed, running a hand through your hair to move it from your face.

"i'm s-s-sorry," you choked out, feeling your eyelids become heavier by the second.

"no. don't apologize to me," he told you. "i should be apologizing."

"it's n-not... your... fault," you felt your breath coming slower, the weight on your chest becoming unbearable.

"i-if i would've just told you how i felt..." he began thinking about how horrible a mistake he had made.

sirens were nearing, hope was becoming greater. spencer clung to your body tighter than ever as if holding you closer to him would will your heart to beat stronger, even if it was for just a bit longer.

"i-i..." you took another uneven breath, reaching your hand up slowly to wipe a tear from his face. "lo-love..." another breath. "you," you finished, your hand cascading down from his face and falling limp onto spencer’s lap, now accepting your own fate as the ambulance was now right outside the alley.

there was a moment when spencer thought maybe you’d wake up. you’d come back to him. but once they loaded you into the ambulance he had to accept one thing.

he had lost his everything...

@averyhotchner @greenprisca @muffin-cup

#spencer reid angst #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer x y/n #spencer x reader #sad ending

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spacedikut · 4 years

Text

throwback ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x reader

summary: you see a picture of young spencer and find him way too attractive. 1306 words

a/n: the gif is the spencer im talking abt btw

When you step into the bullpen, after delivering files to Hotch, everything is in a state of chaos. Well, compared to what it usually is.

“Y/N! You need to see this!”

JJ waves you over to Morgan’s desk, where Emily is already giggling as Rossi grins, arms crossed. You instinctively look to Spencer’s desk, and his head is resting on a stack of files. You have no idea what’s happening.

Morgan’s chuckling when you approach and peak to look at what’s showing on his monitor. It’s a series of pictures, ones you’ve never seen before, and you immediately notice that you’re not in any of them. So these were taken before you joined the BAU?

Morgan, still chuckling, moves the mouse to enlarge a picture in the far right. The second it opens and you realise who it is, you gasp.

“Spencer?! Is that you?!”

Spencer groans from his desk. The picture, that you assume was taken by press during a case, is perfect quality, so you see every detail. Spencer’s hair is parted at the side and slicked, giving him side-swooping bangs that you never would’ve thought looked good until you saw it on him. He’s wearing a sweater vest, obviously, which combined with his seemingly too big grey jacket makes him look like he’s wearing his grandfather’s clothes.

The most important part is his glasses.

You’ve seen Spencer in glasses several times. There’s been abrupt early starts that mean he hasn’t had time to shove contact lenses in, and several occasions when you’ve stayed over one another’s place that he’s either gotten irritated with his lenses and swapped them for his glasses in exasperation, or when he’s simply forgotten to wear his lenses.

But the glasses combined with the hair and the pure, almost naïve aura radiating off him from the picture is electrifying.

He looks like a teacher’s assistant. One you’d have the biggest crush on.

You giggle when Spencer doesn’t lift his head and amble your way towards him, “You were awfully cute, Spencer.”

He glances up and his eyes peek up at you. “I looked like a nerd.”

“Some say you still do.” Emily pipes up.

There’s a laugh from everyone at her comment, but you’re still staring at Spencer. He looks a little embarrassed, definitely shy, then you realise he’s still looking at you, too. With rosy cheeks, you raise your eyebrows.

“When was that taken?”

Spencer shrugs, but you know he knows the precise date, “A good few years before you joined the team. It was one of my first cases with the BAU, and my mom printed the picture out to frame it.”

Your jaw drops in excitement at the revelation and Morgan claps once, “She must’ve been so proud! Her baby boy a real agent-“

Spencer’s attention sways to Morgan, “God, where did Garcia even find those pictures?! They’re so old and-“

“I’m sad I never got to see that Spencer in real life.” You say quietly.

That catches Spencer’s attention and, with doe eyes, he asks, “Really?”

“Yeah! I can’t believe I missed that version of you.” You scrunch your nose at the thought, “If only I graduated earlier…”

A new case comes in, then, and as you drop some things off at your desk before heading to the conference room, Spencer can’t help but warmly stare at you, an idea brewing.

***

The case is done and dusted, unsub arrested and few lives taken as possible within record time. This means everyone in the BAU is ecstatic; Hotch got to take a whole day off to spend with Jack, JJ went somewhere cute with Will and Henry, and Emily did whatever Emily does. Everyone was undeniably refreshed and rejuvenated after being given two days off (two!!) and you’re still riding the high of completing a thousand piece puzzle. It’s the little things, okay?

You would’ve spent the time off with Spencer, but he was “otherwise occupied”, which you have no idea what that meant and still don’t. You intend to pester him for details when he gets into work.

You don’t have to wait for his arrival for long.

You’re in the kitchen, gently blowing on the coffee you just poured into the I-heart-Texas mug Spencer once bought you (you’re a sucker for tacky tourist gifts) when you hear shuffling behind you. You turn, lips still puckered to blow air on the steaming liquid, and you choke on your breath.

Are you hallucinating?

Listen, you don’t really want to admit you’ve spent an alarming amount of time thinking about fresh-faced Spencer Reid when he first joined the BAU, but you have. Garcia sent a team-wide email with all of the pictures, and you couldn’t help but take another look (an understatement) – you just… can’t get over how adorable he was. Is. He’s still heart-achingly adorable.

But maybe you should admit to exactly how many times you looked at the photos, cause baby-faced Spencer Reid with his sweater vest, slicked hair and stylish glasses is giving you a tight-lipped smile and small wave from the kitchen entrance.

“Whoa.” Is all you can say.

Spencer, one had in his trousers pocket and the other scratching the back of his head, shyly says, “Surprise?”

The coffee cup makes a distinct thunk as you place it on the kitchen counter due to the deafening silence between you two. You’re looking him up and down, effectively checking him out, and Spencer feels this burn inside of him – it starts from his stomach and ignites outwards, up through his lungs and heart to the tips of his fingers, his ears, and the apples of his cheeks.

You’re checking him out. You’re speechless. Spencer’s glad he spent the entirety of his time off trying to perfectly re-create his early years look just for you.

“You like it?” He glances down at his attire, nudging his glasses up his nose when they slide down.

YES!

“Yeah, I-“ You give an airy laugh at your inability to form sentences, “You haven’t aged a day, huh?”

“Actually, humans start to age as soon as they reach adulthood, which is typically about twenty-five years old. So I’ve been aging for nearly three years now.”

You’re still staring in awe and the burn Spencer feels hasn’t lessened, “It’s a good look for you, Spence. I would’ve totally had a crush on you if you went to my college.”

The words come out nonchalantly but you regret them instantly – you just told him he looks the exact same and then that you’d have a crush on him if he went to your college.. it doesn’t take a genius to pick up what you’re putting down, right?

Spencer bites his lip. With the way you’re looking at him, he gets a rush of adrenaline and boldly asks, “What about now?”

“Huh?”

“Would you have a crush on me now?”

Your eyes widen and Spencer almost feels rejected, but the smile you’re fighting reassures him. “Do you want me to?”

Spencer almost scoffs and says of course, “I-I would like that. Yes.”

“Good,” You nod, “We could… discuss this in more detail tonight? If you’re not busy?”

“I am not busy tonight. Seven o’clock?” He suggests with a shy smile.

Spencer’s almost bouncing off the walls. You’re struggling to contain your own excitement – you need to leave so you can go scream with Garcia.

“Seven is great. Keep the look.” You give him another head-to-toe survey, and it pains you to pick up your coffee and move to leave the kitchen.

All Spencer can do is nod and beam when you walk away. He falls back, stabilising himself on the counter behind him. He has to take a deep breath to ground himself.

Holy hell, he thinks. If you look at him like that one more time, he might faint.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fic #mine #the ending SUCKS because i didn't know what to do

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pawjamas · 3 years

Text

hey..i’ve been back from my stay at the residential facility for several days now and A lot happened, which i’m putting under a a readmore bc it’s potentially triggering (warning for mentions of s*xual abuse/gasl*ghting/etc) my life is basically being uprooted, so much happened in the month of June and is currently still happening, which i’ll explain below

i was admitted to the residential facility on June 9th, it seemed super promising, there was an abundance of 4-5 star reviews from patients online. my friend who currently is working in the mental health field researched about the facility and also confirmed that it seemed a lot better than most places are. the first day was kind of rough and i knew getting adjusted would be difficult but could never have expected what happened the following several days to happen. i made friends pretty quickly, my roommate on the first day there was very kind to me, she told me if i ever needed someone to talk to that she’d be there for me, we also shared the fact we were both nonbinary/just a lot of things we had in common so it was comforting to know her on the first day there.

i spoke to my psychiatrist the next day who told me i could get off “close observations” which is why i was in the room i was, the label is basically something you get put on if you’re at risk for s*lf h*rm/etc and need a staff member w/ you at all times. so since i was taken off of that i was switched to a different room with a different roommate. she was a 60 yr old woman who was in the other program offered at the facility (mine was mental health related and hers was for substance abuse/addiction) i didn’t feel too comfortable around her the first night, she complained about every single thing, she never participated in the groups offered at the facility, she told me over and over again how much she hated being here. the next few days were a blur and are still very fuzzy, my mind is still keeping all the memories locked away which has happened to me many times before w/ trauma where everything’s vague and not fully there.

basically, over the course i was roommates w/ this woman she groomed me and manipulated me into doing anything she wanted me to do for her, she physically/s*xually assaulted me multiple times, and caused my mental health to plummet even further than i thought was possible. i eventually did get to switch rooms, and i only recalled (again, vaguely) what happened those nights about a week later and reported it to the staff where half of them treated it like a joke. i went to the hospital the night i reported everything to get examined and ended up calling my mom on my friend’s phone (she drove to the hospital and stayed w/ me the whole time) and my mom was probably the worse to take my trauma/situation out of anyone. she told me i should’ve spoken up sooner, asked why i didn’t defend myself from this woman, basically the whole phone call was her blaming me for not doing anything about my assault. when i hung up my friend even told me that what she said wasn’t okay, and was victim-blaming.

i left the hospital and got back to the facility around 1:00 am, and the following days i spent there i was continuously getting worse because being in the environment my trauma had happened was preventing me from healing, plus i literally had to be in the same rooms as the person who had assaulted me and seeing her was extremely triggering. she continuously would call me crazy and delusional and that i made the entire thing up, i had difficulty telling what was real and what was not because of how bad i was treated by her and the staff. i’m thankful i met some really kind patients there that became my friends, they helped me the most out of anyone there. at one point a nurse had pulled me into a room and told me how i should never have spoken up about my abuse, how i should consider how it makes my abuser feel, and stop talking to the friends i made about it. but i’m glad i had people who would actually listen.

i mentioned it once but again, my mom was probably the worst person to talk to when all this was happening, at one point one evening when phones were available i called her and told her i needed to leave, i wanted to come home because this all of this was affecting me so badly, and she screamed over and over that i can’t come home and i have to stay, that it’s too bad that happened but continuing to do the program was more important. at that point i broke down and cried, begging her to let me come home and she screamed repeatedly for me to shut up and then hung up on me.

after that evening i knew that i wouldn’t be taking any shit from her any longer, i called my friend who lived nearby about her the following day or so, asked if i could stay with her at her apartment, which didn’t end up happening because we both worried my mom being as spiteful as she is would take legal action if i did leave w/ my friend instead of my mom. i ended up talking to a couple of the friends i made there that i was having bad intrusive thoughts, and that evening i was baker acted (involuntarily hospitalized) and transferred to another facility, which could’ve been because of the staff or me being reported for the thoughts i was having, but regardless i was away from my abuser and didn’t have to see her again.

the hospital i stayed at was...a lot worse than the other place, i barely got to speak to the psychiatrist/therapist during my entire time there, people would joke about how little time you got w/ them. they ended up keeping me there longer than the required 72 hrs, which i asked multiple people why and never got an answer, at one point my mom wanted to make sure i was sent back to the residential facility of which i had to explain would be detrimental to me and my health, but as usual when she had her mind set on something she won’t listen to reason or anyone who explains other (more beneficial) options.

i ended up calling my friend that lived back in the town i live in, told her the whole story and what’s been going on, and ultimately asked if i could move in with her because her and her family had already offered to let me. she was more than happy to have me move in, so that’s what i ended up planning on doing when i got discharged, was have her pick me up instead of my mom. and i called my mom to tell her that i’d be moving out, all the reasons why it’d be beneficial to us both, she took it horribly and told me if my friend picks me up i can never ever come home again and that i’m kicked out. i told her that’s fine, even though it hurt so badly when she said it.

finally, the following monday i was discharged, my friend from back home picked me up along w/ her husband, and we made sure to get all my things from the residential facility (my clothes/shampoo/makeup/etc) before heading back to her house, which was about an hour and a half drive home.

so now i’m staying w/ her, i still feel out of place and disoriented and uncomfortable but her and her family have been very welcoming. i’m trying to get all my stuff from my mom’s but it’s been a huge struggle to get anything from her because she loves to overcomplicate anything and then make it seem as if it’s all your doing and she’s the biggest, kindest saint ever to grace your life. my friends and i all think she has undiagnosed/untreated bipolar, and i definitely think she at least needs therapy and meds too but she doesn’t believe in either for herself. i just want my stuff back, and i do miss my room a lot and jazzy but there’s no way i’m getting either back, i’m also worried how my mom is treating jazzy because she hates him and i’ve witnessed first-hand what she’s done to him before.

i might post my p*ypal / v*nmo (censoring bc i think tumblr is weird abt posts that have these keywords or smth) because i don’t have any income rn...thank you if you read all this lmao i still didn’t even cover half of the other stuff i went through at the place i was baker acted but essentially my life has been turned upside down and i’m having to figure out how to keep going despite it all

#diary 📖#please read if u can #i want to get my tablet back so i can open commissions #idk why my mom wouldn’t let me have it but she’s Super spiteful so who knows #i want my switch too/laptop i especially need my computer ughhh #genuinely when i thought things couldn’t get any worse there was an extra layer of hell for me to fall into

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akane0waris · 3 years

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you don't get to keep talking abt how your kirumi characterization is the best and then not TELL us abt it, thats rude!! i wanna knowww

dsfgdkjsf idk if it’s The Objective Best (personal feelings have slipped into how i engage with her of course), but i will gladly take the opportunity to talk about her.

(tl;dr because this got long: kaede was right when she said kirumi’s selflessness was both her best and worst feature as it’s simultaneously a virtue and her tragic flaw.)

the thing with kirumi is that the game itself doesn’t really care about her all that much. v3 doesn’t seem to care about chapters 2 (outside of bringing motive videos in general back up later) & 3 much in relation to the others, and only barely cares about chapter 4 as set up to chapter 5. which is pretty disappointing especially since both ryoma and kirumi’s whole deals in chapter 2 actually get more tragic in retrospect as the game goes on, but the game doesn’t care to bring that up.

with kirumi specifically she kills ryoma and tries to guilt the others into dying for her because she believes that she’s responsible for the well being of a whole country. later on the game tells you that these 16 characters are the only humans left alive, meaning that she would have ended up being the last person alive and would have killed/let other people die for nothing if she’d succeeded - and if this were true. but then it turns out to be a reality show where the people she was so desperate to get out and save are enjoying her suffering. even before the various plot twists, she’s also experiencing the personal tragedy of failing to keep promises she either thinks she made (to serve the citizens of her country) or actually made (she was one of the first people to promise kaede that they wouldn’t let the killing game continue).

speaking of kaede, she’s a key part of kirumi’s character imo. they both care a lot about other people and resort to planning a murder for the sake of the greater good - with kaede’s being the immediate group and kirumi’s being people outside of the school. their key point of divergence though lies in how kaede gave up her chase for the mastermind when it became clear that the others were in danger of dying if she let the trial continue the path it was heading down, while kirumi makes what might be the first selfish decision of her life in trying to convince the others that the work she has to do matter more than the rest of them - a thread that becomes all the more interesting if you do her free times with kaede beforehand where kaede encourages her to do more things for herself rather than only for other people.

but the thing is is that kirumi doesn’t view it as “my existence as an individual matters more than the rest of you”, but rather “the purpose i’ve been asked to fulfill is more important”. she thinks of herself as a tool of sorts (not the same way peko does, but there’s a little bit of overlap), as someone who only exists to support others. she genuinely wants to and likes helping people, but in her desire to do so she’s put her own needs on the back burner. while i really don’t like her love hotel event, it shows that she does desire to be treated as an equal by the people she serves, but that she’s relegated that desire to simply being a fantasy. she still has some boundaries, some lines she won’t cross, but the request we see her make repeatedly to people - to not refer to her as a mom/motherly - is also repeatedly ignored.

she’s got more anger about that then she lets on, repressing it along with most of her emotions. she has thoughts and feelings that she will share if that’s asked of her, but she’s operating on the belief that they don’t matter as much as those of others. she’ll go with whatever the group decides because she’s here to help them, regardless of whether she’d make a different choice on her own. the opinions she’s most dead set on actually sharing unprompted are when she thinks it’s something the person needs to hear - i know these two examples are outside of v3, but her advice to byakuya and how she helped settle an argument between mondo and taka in utdp are good examples of this.

kirumi cares about people and genuinely finds joy in helping others, but she’s put the needs of others so far above her own needs that it leads to her literal tragic downfall. she puts herself through hell, actively causing harm to herself, because her own health and safety isn’t important to her unless it’s in relation to helping someone else. her most selfish decision - killing ryoma and trying to get everyone else to trade their lives away - is one she doesn’t even consider as a decision she’s making for the sake of herself. in her final moments she’s angry, she’s petty (as seen by voting for shuichi), she’s stubborn. she’s experiencing so much of what she’s been repressing in order to fulfill the duty she’d been repressing them for. she’s fine with people thinking of her as a villain for what she’s done, but she doesn’t see herself as either a villain or a hero. she just believes that the end she’s working towards justifies the means.

but everything she’s ever justified to herself doesn’t matter in the end. rage and indignation propel her closer to her goal when those were things she felt she wasn’t entitled to before. it doesn’t matter that ryoma had no one waiting for him; no one did, including her, and at the end of the day she still took a life. she’s going through actual torture trying to help people who are watching her at home, awestruck by the brutality they’re witnessing and possibly even cheering when she fails.

basically kirumi is a tragic character that hits on some of my favourite character tropes - a character who doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that they’re a human being with emotions like everyone else, and a character who ends up making selfish decisions despite not having much respect for themselves.

i won’t go into detail on these, but i do project onto her a bit and that does effect how i engage with/characterise her, but i tried to keep all that out of here as best as i could. as someone who’s trying to get better at not compromising myself, my health, and my safety for people, and actually maintaining personal boundaries, and not repressing my emotions because i’ve decided i’m not allowed to have them, i’ve latched onto her pretty hard.

#anon #kirumi tojo #she's so fascinating to me and has a lot of tragic elements that tend to resonate with me #i've also spent a lot of time thinking about her because translating her into aus while keeping the key parts intact #tends to take some work and i just want to play with this character in so many spaces

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theywontletmebeprincipal · 3 years

Note

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

#the drowsy chaperone #musical theatre #musicals #broadway #musical meta #man in chair

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seijorhi · 3 years

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asks :))

what i have learned today is that y’all wanna get fucked by some monsters...

What does nostos mean? What language is it in? 🤔 also I of course loved it, mind blown as usual queen

it’s ancient greek! it means homecoming, the idea of a triumphant return home for the hero after a long journey. i found it through looking at the root of nostalgia. in this fic of course it’s kind of a grim tongue in cheek play on it. the reader’s coming back to the mountains, but she’s running away after a bad breakup, and the welcome she gets is... shall we say less than ideal haha

Just read nostos-

First of all as a person who reads monster shit- hell ya. Mhm. That’s some good shit right there. That was DELICIOUS horror. It actually had me a bit nervous and afraid to read what was gonna happen next 😳

Secondly- omg I wanna know what happened next (at the end) 👀 know what I mean??? 😼

ANYWAY AS ALWAYS you never disappoint and your writing is fantastic (if/when you write horror yandere stuff again I’ll be there- frothing at the mouth. A+++++ work ILY💖)

you want me to write the monster porn, just say it bby ghfjdkshgfjkd but ty

Omfg that fic was so good!

Did the readers mom know about monster kuroo?? Or was she just worried because of the previous murder? And did Kuroo somehow manipulate reader into coming back to the forest or was it just a big coincidence? (👁👄👁 there's no such thing as a coincidence)

Looking forward to your future work <3

ty nonnie!! i didn’t have the right space for it, but after kohsuke was ripped apart and eaten kuroo stayed by the reader’s side until late in the night, only disappearing when he heard the reader’s parents/search party approaching. they found her lying in pools of blood (and scattered half eaten body parts), shaking and unresponsive – they knew no animal could’ve done something like that. so they knew something lurked in those woods, but considering the reader had repressed the memories, her mom couldn’t just come out and say it <33

You are an AMAZING horror writer!!!

The uneasiness I got from the conversations with the mom is just *chefs kiss*

A+++++

ahh thank you!! horror is such a hard genre to write because i’m never sure if the suspense and everything’s gonna hit right haha

I read Nostos before going to sleep last night and at the time I was like “sure hope this doesn’t give me nightmares” and thankfully it didn’t lol. But I think I’m willing to take that chance again because it’s so GOOD and I think I’m just going to have to relive it – @ohno-otome

fhdjgbfhjkdfn i’m glad it didn’t give you nightmares bby!! but i also appreciate that haha, i’m an absolute wimp with scary movies and stuff but i just can’t stop watching them haha

I just wanna say that I was listening to "You're a psychotic villain playlist" on youtube while reading Kuroo's oneshot and I can't explain the emotions I felt, but I'd let Kuroo do things to me asdfghjkl – @itishebihime-samaforyou

ooh nice! sometimes the right playlist makes things doubly as fun haha

OH MY GOD!?!?! Nostos was soooo GOOD?!?!? Like it was so creepy (but in a good way), and scary and suspenseful!! And the ending!?!? Omggg honestly one my fav fics from you!! You did my mans Kuroo justice 🥺💖💕

TYYYYYYY i was genuinely concerned i was gonna scare everybody off haha

Ah! The new fic! Chiefs kiss! Magnificent! Bravo!🧚‍♀️✨🧞‍♀️🦖🦭🌹💫

tysm nonnie!!! <33

i’m pretty sure i’m in the same/similar timezone as you? and i do be staying up late to be one of the first to read your fics (i usually stay up late anyways). so imagine my surprise when i see you post in the afternoon. in conclusion, whether you post to align with your european and american readers’ timezone, my gmt+10 arse will still be one of the first to read your fics. also nostos sjdufigyyjf i have to admit, i recently just found out about monster fucking and nostos scratched the itch😫 i feel bad for kohsuke though

bby i always post at like 2-4 in the morning please get some sleep!! the fics will be there in the morning lmao. i kinda low key forget about my aussie/gmt+10 followers because i think there’s like... 3 of you haha

Honestly if i could give u a dollar everytime i got off to your fics, you'd probably be rich by now

lmao the idea that people find my fics hot enough to get off to still blows my mind lol

your newest kuroo fic was so SO good!! its totally okay if you dont want to answer this so you can keep things ambiguous but is monster kuroo planning on killing the reader after he's...done with them

thank you, bby!! but no, monster kuroo isn’t gonna eat her – he’s had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted, but he has other plans for the poor reader

RHI, I WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM OKAY WITH MORE MONSTER FUCKING IN THE FUTURE. i also want to say im not a monster fucker, but that just feels like a lie at this point. okay, now that that's off my chest, i love it. the mystery, the connections of kuroo to a cat. kuroo's probably gonna go and batter around his prey once they're under his grip like my cat does. hopefully the reader will come out somewhat unscathed, if they are ever allowed to leave 😌 love this, love how different it is, the way kuroo just tries to weasel in. very monster and yandere vibes, very you. have i said i love this yet?? id willingly let him get me drunk on his cock, maybe never leave the peace of the mountains again

‘i want to say that i’m not a monster fucker’ bby the denial will get you nowhere haha. just lean in and embrace it hgfjkdlkfgjnkdl ahh but thank you this is such a sweet ask ILY!!!

Omg omg the monster thing kuroo was in ur latest fic is so familiar to me abdhdmfnjfjf. I remember being told abt a monster with VERY SIMILAR characteristics to it (aka the not being able to go inside a house unless invited and using fire to lure ppl out) AND JFC IT TERRIFIED ME. Esp how when i told ppl around me and they didnt recognize what it was, but it was somehow known to the kid that told me abt it.

(Some ppl thought it was familiar but still didnt know what it was)

Do u know what im talking abt? Hopefully u do

-🥚

GHFJDK so the monster in this is kind of based off the nekomata spirit in japanese folklore - they can appear like people, torment victims by reanimating the corpses of their loved ones, they’ve been blamed for forest fires, so it was just fun to use that as a basis and then go buck wild haha. anyway thanks for the ask bby!

Rest In Peace Kohsuke, you would’ve loved Haikyuu season 5😔✊– @joyvstheworld

poor kohsuke deserved better, i’m just mean to the oc’s i throw into fics haha

Monsterfucking ❤❤❤❤❤❤ a little annoyed you're making me simp for yan Kuroo though (a vibe tho tbh). You're so extremely talented!!!! &

This is probably a stupid question, but how did Kageyama react when he couldn't find y/n? How is life with yan Suga? I imagine probably awful BUT yknow maybe the stockholm syndrome set in fast lmao. Sorry, I'm going on a binge reading your stuff. - @oracleofdin

i will not apologise for making you simp for kuroo he deserves it the man’s a snacc. and as far as your second question, suga’s a very caring, very smothering kinda yandere, so i guess in some ways it’s better than what the reader had with kageyama but... pick your poison haha

That was so good. I’m so shook rn I can’t comprehend anything but how good that was and how good a writer you are

TYSM NONNIE!!! <33

Ok, so, I just read Final Girl and the lil' ticket addition to it and just---

Well, ok I've been playing Dead by Daylight a lot lately? And I'm just picturing Tetsu as the newest killer "The Trickster" and I'm positively RANDY.

Your writing is ALREADY thirst inducing and just as satisfying, but this has SENT ME- If you're not familiar, please...

https://youtu.be/iowkiPobYYQ

Understand my thirst. (I'd also like to clarify, I use a different skin for him that gives him black hair and he looks like Kuroo with an undercut.)

~ @the-casual-hedonist 🌸

i love how feral y’all got for final girl kuroo. like bo and akaashi had his fans, but i put a spiked bat in kuroo’s hands and y’all lost your goddamn minds and i love to see it. fghdjkvhfjdkls thanks for the ask bby

idk why but I love preggo reader as long as I don't pretend it's me 😢✋ I hate babies n pregnancy anywhere else other than horny haikyuu fics

i think that’s a valid thing for a lot of fans. the idea of breeding is sexy, the actual getting pregnant and having a kid thing... not so much. but especially with non-con scenario’s, it’s more about the aspect on control than the actual desire to have kids. but yeah, i feel you

Sorry to bother but uh was just wondering in fracture did Osamu kill his wife or was it actually an “unfortunate event” ? Love your work btw!!

he most certainly did :))

LMFAO RHI i totally get not liking cheating/infidelity fics (towards reader) bc IT HIRTS ME SO BAD I CANNOT HANDLE THOSE.

id be reading fics those fics like: tf you mean my yandere aimt gonna baby me and only want me??🤨🤨🤨⁉️‼️

EXACTLY! listen i get that it’s a fucked up fantasy, but in my fucked up fantasy you damn well better have the decency to be loyal smh

Finders keepers is the most beautiful thing I've read by you: I read it twice like I normally do and here's what I figured out the second time (that's when I analyze it and find the little tidbits of things that are much darker than they appear (: )

To start I LOVE THE DETAILS OF THEM NEVER TEACHING READER ANYTHING- at first I assumed "oh they might see her as a little sister or child or something" but realized thAT WAS THE ISSUE!! they infantilize her and isolate her from everyone but her group. the small details like that are what make the story amazing 😎💅

ahh thank you so much, nonnie!! pls this is making me soft 🥺

I just wanted to stop by and say that I love your writing and I hope you're doing well!!! Drink plenty of water and keep up the amazing work :) but seriously you're one of the best fanfic writers I've seen on tumblr! I read your "Imitation" piece about kuroo and i keep coming back to it, it's so good! I did want to ask if you think it'd be possible for the reader to ever escape with the baby (or at least attempt to). Or if Kenma would "help" at all just to put an end to kuroo's antics lmao

kenma would in no way help the reader, and tbh by that point if kuroo did get her pregnant, she’d be far too emotionally dependant on him to actually even want to leave, but thanks for the ask!

You know who I think would be a perfect Yandere in the JJK world? Choso.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

After being locked in a glass jar for however long he was, and all that happened with his brothers, I feel like he would absolutely never let his darling out of his sight. He would be possessive. Obsessive. And Oh So delusional. Sure he’d be your anything - he truly is a softy - but to what end?🤤

choso would make an excellent yandere, ngl 😌

what au/troupe of your fav character(s) that you have written do you like the most?

(rlly hope this makes sense🙏)

i am always a slut for soulmate au’s :))

#ask #anon #rhi answers #ohh so many asks #i love you guys <33 #fic q's

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irl-f4iry · 2 years

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babbling distract myself :D

hi hi im in history now. im thinking about how im gonna type without my teacher seeing. class room is set up weird today bc of the last period doing;knbljvhiycgtuxfzdSZTDxyucfigoptoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooufry68tde574s6ztdxxxxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddx

im feeling rlly tired and bored. im gonna do absolutely no work in this class. apparently we arent taking notes so idc. i wish i had earbuda for this computer. are there like reverse adaptors? like instead of a lightning jack its like the little stick jack for computers. then i wouldnt have to wear the over the head ones. i only like the rlly fat cushion ones. not the school computer ones. they make me look so much weirder. idk school is fine at the moment. ive been doing better w school work n stuff so thats cool. plus my parents r giving me permission for stuff so thats good too. idk if im gonna hang w my friend today. i feel like im socially drained maybe. like yesterday was rlly fun but then my OTHER friend (the gf of the first friend) came over which was cool but i didnt even get to hang out with her. i knew it was gonna happen too which is kinda the only thing i guess i dont like about them dating. they are both my best friends. they were both seperate ppl in my life yk? like they didnt even know each other but i knew them seperately yk? and im super super close w both of them. but now that theyre dating, i feel weird being close friends with him because everything makes her jealous. and im not blaming her at all bc im the same way but im just saying anything i do with him will seem flirty to her. she wont get mad at me for it either which makes me feel even more guilty. it doesnt help that he used to be in love with me for like 6 years so of course shed be bothered. idk i feel like a bad person. im being stingy yk. like he was my friend first. she was my friend first. now they have each other n its like ubjrfh berhbfj r. and my cousin is like my sister. i feel like she doesnt even enjoy my company as much anymore. i know she loves me its just sometimes i feel unwanted. like ill ask her if she wants to hang out and shell be like im sorry my social battery is done rn or shell say she has homework or that her mom doesnt want too many ppl over. but then our 2 friends would be over there not too long after and its just like dude just say you dont want me there? i would be less bothered if she just said that yk? idk maybe its not what im thinking at all and im just overthinking it. idk what else do i talk abt? ummmmmmmmmmmm oh i think im supposed to be writing an essay rn. to be honest i have no clue what im supposed to be doing in this class. i wanna go home. idk if im gonna go to my last period. i thijnk im just gonna go home. my friend tries to encourage me to go to the class but idk i keep saying ill go and i dont. its just chemistry and i dont rlly care abt that class. lets say i pass everything but that class. ill still be fine yk. so its okay. i suck at it anyway. ive been going to all my other classes. idk im rlly tired and my back hurts. i have such bad posture. i slouch all the time. ive been more aware of i and have been doing better but i always end up slouching at some point yk. i might just play a game online or something. im so bored and my friend is looking up something about peanut butter and jelly???????? idk what that dude looks up on his free time. i kinda wanna go through my familys facebook accounts. only the pictures though. bc i end up finding photos from years ago and it makes me feel so nostalgic.i like that feeling so much.nostalgia has to be one of the best feelings to feel for me. i love imagining that im still in 2011 yk? or anywhere up to 2014 or15. those were the best years for me. id do em over and over. i wish i didnt take advantage of my rlly young years. i know im still really young but once you hit 17 you kinda have that same minset for the rest of your life yk? like you hit a certain level of maturity by then that sticks with you or grows in youre adult years. if so so different from the way we think as 9 years olds yk?

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reachfolk · 3 years

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Could you tell me more about honey? 👀

omg i had this lying in my inbox cause there's just sooo much to say about her that i was like "uhhh where do i start?" if i wanna talk abt honey, i have to talk about beatrice, which means i have to talk about isobel and ophelia, which means i have to talk about alexi, etc etc lol. this is my attempt to organize all that in a coherent way.

part of the story that i'm telling with all these oc's is just how there's really no right way to cope with oppression; as long as there's some outside force larger than you pushing you down, there's always going to be some pain that'll just. always be there, yknow? as bleak as that sounds lol, a lot of the character relationships are founded on those shared experiences and helping each other cope with it. they each sorta represent different ways of handling it or fighting against it, and how there's pros and cons to all of them, but all of them are in some way necessary. (ex: ophelia largely represents cultural preservation in the face of genocide, alexi represents cultural exchange and the idea of showcasing the most "upstanding/successful" people of a minority group, robin represents direct action and rebellion, marceline represents minorities going into govt positions to change things from the inside, etc). not to imply that any of that is mutually exclusive of course, but they do all represent the base concept of these characters. all of it ends up converging into the idea of radical revolutionary change, but they all kinda play their own little part in it.

so honey's mom is beatrice, who was one of the people living in karthwasten when the massacre happened (which is why she knew isobel and ursula; the three of them were very close childhood friends before they got separated).

bea and isobel are sort of opposite ends of the question of, "how do you raise a kid when you know they're going to have to face racism throughout their life? how can you avoid them suffering the way you did?" in a way, they each act as narrative foils to each other because of how differently they went about raising their kids, even though their origin was kinda similar.

alexi was largely sheltered from her own culture, and she had to fight her mom into letting her engage with it in any way. she had to fight for her mom to even let her spend time with her aunt, let alone work with her at the alchemy shop. she had to keep the fact that she used magic or wanted to worship the old gods hidden. she never learned a lot of the skills that most reachwomen knew, like how to dress their hair in the traditional style, or how to carve jewelry out of bone, or how to do her own warpaint, or how to be self sufficient in the wild. there's lots i can say about marci and robin but i'll stay on track lol

honey, on the other hand, had the polar opposite upbringing. she was born out in the reach, into a coven with one of the most traditionalist people you'll ever meet (ophelia) to guide her through everything. beatrice encouraged her to embrace her culture and learn all the things alexi either had to fight tooth and nail for, or just was never allowed to do. but the consequence was that honey didn't get the same sort of luxuries as alex.

living in the wilds is dangerous and risky, and they don't always have enough to spare. there's a lot of uncertainty around whether they'll be able to have enough to eat, or how harsh the winter will be, or if they get attacked at their hideout by some mercenaries or wild beasts. the jarl is always cracking down on reach tribes and they have to fight off a lot of people being constantly sent after them, and it's not exactly a great environment to raise a kid. she grew up feeling a sense of guilt, because she feels her presence is a hindrance to the coven. in her mind, she's just extra work; she can't contribute much, and she takes up a lot of their time and resources as they take care of her. they don't ever say anything to suggest this of course, but the feeling is there.

all of that is why she can be really... a Lot? she's a naturally spirited kid, for sure, but she kinda feels this pressure to rush through her childhood and get to a point that she can contribute. she can be a little aggressive and way too feisty because she wants to prove that she's tough, and that she's ready to take on more. she doesn't really let herself slow down and enjoy being a kid, because there's honestly not very much to enjoy about being a kid in the reach. of course she knows the coven would protect her with their lives, but she's also fully aware that she's not able to protect herself, and how it all really comes down to that. it makes her feel unsafe and on edge.

that's what i really like abt her and lex. just like their mothers, they also really parallel each other. because despite how different their upbringings were, they're always haunted by this sense that, "they're after me, they're after all of us." again, it's really bleak, but it sort of goes to show that regardless of what choices their parents make or what kinds of lives they lead, the real root of it all isn't their parents' choices; it's a lot bigger than that.

tldr: this fic is largely me trying to make sense of my own trauma with race lmao

#oc: honey #oc: beatrice #oc: isobel silver blood #oc: alexandria silver blood #cozy answers

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halfhappyhooligan · 4 years

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a voltron au? in 2020? it’s more likely than you think

look. LOOK. i know that voltron is stupid and we hate it but lets be honest: everything up until season 3 was pretty good and had lots of potential !!

today i was rewatching voltron and a thought struck me: what if, instead of shiro being cloned, he was chipped and turned to the side of the galra?

so here it is, i did not blink since i thought of this

(warning, i have not seen voltron in a while and this is just knowledge i have stored in my moss brain and stuff i know from rewatching the first season)

au where shiro goes evil bc of what happens @ end of season one instead of the clone thing bc 1) haggar rly could not have made thousands of shiros after bumping into team voltron like what twice? its hella improbable and 2) just… weird

so instead they insert a chip in him that helps them spy and control him just like kuron (the clone) did minus the unlikely storytelling

eventually after the convo with sendak when he was in the pod trying to temp shirp, he does have thoughts about helping zarkon

(“im already infiltrated with the arm, i could just speed up the process by leaving now. save the team the trouble of investing in a leader that’s doomed to fail from the strart.”)

shiro ends up leaving team voltron in season 2 after zarkon goes crazy w the black lion n stuff

^^ this adds to Keith’s reasoning of joining the Blade of Marmora (shiro is his main stability and one of the main reasons he even stuck around with team voltron, so with shiro gone and keith questioning his place as the leader and paladin of the black lion, he decides the BoM is just.. what’s best for him)

obviously lance isn’t happy with this (“you just told me that i’m a valuable member, now you don’t think YOU are? what logic is that?”)

ofc keith goes anyways

lance becomes paladin of the black lion

allura takes on the red lion

who has blue lion? ...idk this isn’t that thought out (maybe matt after pidge finds her family) (which will happen earlier in the plot since we can forget about the miniplot of black no longer responding to shiro)

enter lotor only this time he has a sidekick and what omg its shiro wow

shiro has that bigger version of his arm that was once offered to him

he’s stronger and scary, but his eyes aren’t the same, he has the strength of a galra but lacks the passion

in the fight between lotor and zarkon, (and after, of course lots of self doubt and questioning) shiro comes between them and convinces lotor NOT to kill zarkon

then zarkon kills lotor

everyones like oh shit bc surely someone who’s life was just spared wouldn’t kill the person who seems to have the most power

but he did. bc he’s zarkon. and he’s fckn crazy.

shiro doesn’t go back to team voltron bc its too much too easily

instead he takes the place of lotor in the group of gals

he convinces them all to rebel against the galra

eventually they teach him all about quintessence and all the shit lotor had planned that they can’t do anymore

(lotor wasn’t harvesting alteans in this universe bc what the heck even was that subplot that had little to no relevance to the main storyline?

instead he was trying to find a way to technologically bring back alteans (kinda like how allure’s dad was originally preserved in s1)

i know nothing about How Stuff Works and i dont remember much about quintessence n shit but the basic idea is that when tying in some of a persons artifacts with technology stuff and some quintessence then boom. a weird route from astral projection land to the team is created and ppl can come back or smth idfk

but lotor was never able to get the comet so shiro decides he and the gals will get that comet and try to bring back as many alteans as they can

^ all this while infiltrating as many galra fleets as possible + saving planets under galra empire

they personally visit every planet that lotor was in charge of and release them from galra control

they are able to bring back an altean (its romelle) and she talks abt her friend who lives on the balmera and they go to the balmera and its revealed that it was shay’s great grandmother so romelle asks where shay is and shay’s family is like with team voltron of course

they take her

obviously team voltron, the BoM and the Rebels r very hesitant to make contact but they decide to try it out

keith refuses to meet, instead he’s on the team that stands guard

reunions !!

romelle and shay hit it off and hunk makes a dinner much like roselle’s past (allura and coran also hang out and they all vibe)

lance talks to shiro abt everything to do with keith and shiro is like dude do u??? like him?

and lance is like what? no ofc not—oh shit.

and keith ✨overhears ✨

pidge matt and shiro catch up n shit

meanwhile keith is like Hey Lance Uhhhhhh What The Fuck

they end up being like hey since we’re all here and we hate zarkon what if we make a plan to end the galra’s reign Right Now

so they do

and y’all.. it’s hella baller plan

except something is going wrong and in the middle of an attack zarkon is able to get the upper hand

due to haggar’s magic and lance’s mental and emotional instability, zarkon is able to get in his head

everyone is trying to talk him down but they’re all under a lot of pressure

allura is also conflicted bc she wanted to be black lion bc she wanted to rub it in to zarkon’s face that she was stronger than he and that she could beat him at his own game

but the negativity and instability feeds into zarkon’s power and makes him and haggar stronger as they pull in voltron to finally take over the team and regain their status as the most powerful alien race

hunk realizes this and is like okay can y’all stop being negative? its clearly affecting them in a good way and it makes us an easier target

and pidge is like im literally a child pls i don’t wanna die i just got my family back it can’t end like this

shiro realizes what’s going on and he goes to save them

he uses all his energy, pulling in the positive memories (everything: first learning about space, becoming a teacher, meeting adam, meeting keith, first making team voltron, his friends and family--all of it) to push back zarkon and haggar’s powers and battle once more in the astral realm

in defeating zarkon, shiro loses his life

afterwards keith enters the ship in a hurry and is like where the fuck is shiro where’s my brother what did you do what happened

and team voltron is like hey man.. we are so so sorry

and keith cries because the last thing he ever said to shiro was mean

lance feels like its all his fault since he was supposed to be a good leader

they talk about separately while hunk pidge and allura discuss

krolia is like keith we, ur family, are here for u

and axca is there and shes like um?? hey?? sry for trying to kill u bro

and he’s like i absolutely do not wanna talk i just lost my closest friend

they talk about it later

axca tells keith abt shiro finishing lotor’s work and abt bringing people back and well..

they use the methods to help keith visit shiro in the astral realm

shiro is like oh uh hey i was just having a drink w adam we r happy

and keith is like shiro u fuckhead why would u sacrifice urself

shiro sighs bc cmon keith you KNOW why “remember what i always said? we can’t focus on what went wrong..”

“we’ve got to figure out how to make it right” keith finishes

keith breaks tf down crying and screams apologizing

“i love u shiro. ur a like a big brother to me.”

and shiro is like yeah i know and ilyt but hey. everyone’s safe and happy. im safe and happy. & you deserve to be too. you don’t need me anymore.

so the galra rule is over and everyone goes to their respected planets

romelle and the other alteans as well as some galra babes hang in earth

romelle and shay r in an apartment together and have a garden

allura realizes she may not have been the strongest leader for voltron, and couldn’t stop zarkon on her own but that physical strength doesn’t define her as a whole

her heart is strong enough to care for everyone, so thats what she does

allura starts running an inn for alteans filled with painted sceneries like altea in case anyone ever needs a reminder of home

when lance reunites with his family its a real tearjerker

rachel finally gets her jacket back and veronica is like So.. Axca 👀

the McClain’s host a huge party for everyone and it’s filled with lots of hugs and loud music and even tho lance was way too tired, he danced all night

he wouldn’t trade his family for the world—genetic and chosen

when hunk reunites with his parents they don’t let him out the house for hours, he tells them all about his new best friend shay as well as hundreds of his favorites stories from space

they are so, so proud of him

hunk spends the next days playing minecraft and animal crossing with pidge, giving their brains a rest from being on hyperdrive for 3 yrs straight

when pidge gets home she finally gets grounded by her mom, only being allowed to leave the house to see her old teammates

(same for matt and her dad)

(her mother cries so hard when they opened the door to the home)

the holt family holds movie nights filled with popcorn, cuddles, and tears

keith moves in with the holt family, and finally accepts that he has a home as well as a family

he often goes on trips with the BoM but mostly just stays on earth

after a Team Voltron sleepover in the altea inn keith and lance decide to get an apartment together and live their lives in love and in peace

everyone gets together once a year in celebration of shiro and the sacrifice he made for them

they use the ship to visit Astral Shiro and once they even met adam

everyone laughs and catches up and just... live their lives

everyone is happy

pls ignore any and all errors lmao

again, just a thought !! maybe i’ll write a fic abt it idk for sure but yeah

feel free to add anything <3

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