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zoros-bandana · 1 year

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Ok ima be specific about this zoro x a science/inventor reader where she used to nice and clumsy with her inventions and hang around zoro until he got mad at her after thriller bark when she was caring for her and then timeskip then once they get back he wonders why she doesn't talk to him and itll be like a steven and connie scenario where there a big party as the others try to make them talk again but take the wrong way until they forgive each other

Hi lovely, I haven't seen Steven Universe so I had to do some research and I'm hoping you were referring to Kevin's Party? hopefully so since that is what I found to pull inspiration from x This was also really fun to write, putting in little bits from various crew-mates POV so thank you for this request

The Banquet

SFW

Zoro x fem reader

Multiple crew POV

Warning: slight Thriller Bark spoilers, slight Sabaody spoilers, slight Fisherman Island spoilers, mentions of threats (usual Zoro/Sanji banter)

Summary: The crews reunion turned sour once you and Zoro shared the same space. There was obvious tension from when you last spoke, hindering on the bitter tone of his words to you. With the crew sick of the avoidance, Nami and Usopp lead a plan to have you reconnect at the King's Banquet, hopeful the uncomfortable avoidance will be resolved.

Word Count: 3,400

"So you think this is going to work?"

"It has to" Nami insisted, turning her head in search of Usopp. She had strategically put a plan into place, sharing the news with everyone except for you or Zoro; giving the best chance of success. "If I have to watch them both ignore one another for one second longer I'm going to lose it! They can only sulk for so long before it gets under my skin!"

"I think it's making its way under everyone's skin; including theirs"

"Which is why this is going to work"

"Shh" Robin laughed, nudging her friend gently. "She's coming over"

———————

"Y/n" Robin waved, shuffling over to make space for you to sit down. You had gone in search of something to drink, the night still very occupied for the King's Banquet in celebration of your crews assistance to defend Fisherman Island. Along your way you kept a weary eye out for Zoro, shifting ignoring every green coloured object in your way.

"There you are... I thought I lost my way for a while trying to come back over here"

You gracefully sat beside your friend, huddling close as the music throbbed to your right. You held the glass in your hands, keeping it close to act as support, knowing the tension in the air that loomed over you. It was obvious since the crews return of the awkwardness between you and Zoro, almost deafening in a room full of obnoxious activities.

"Uh huh" Nami smiled, taking a sip from her wine. "That sounds like a certain person we know. Say, Y/n, have you had a chance to speak to Zoro tonight?"

You scoffed. "Absolutely not"

"Why not?" Robin question, her tone soft as usual. She didn't pry on such events, her usual kindness and concern for her friends making it easy to succumb to her questions.

"I don't particularly want to talk to him after what he said to me, and how he said it. I know he was hurt but there was still no excuse in how he put me down like that"

"What if he apologised?"

"Now we all know that thick headed idiot doesn't even know how to spell that word, let alone know how to make one"

"Y/n, answer the question"

You sighed, glancing quickly over in his direction, walled behind a few of your friends. You had always thought about it, approaching him first even just to get him to talk to you, but you never saw the point. How would he know he was in the wrong if he didn't initiate conversation first?

"I'm not sure" you looked back over to the girls. They shared the same hopeful face, smiling sweetly, making you feel safe in their company. "Maybe?"

"That's good enough for me..." Nami mumbled under her breath, covering her voice up as she took another sip, her attention shifting to Usopp.

———————

"Wait, what's the plan again?" Luffy scratched his head, tilting to one side.

"I already told you!" Usopp snapped, annoyed having to repeat himself for the sixth time in the last hour. "We get Zoro over to Y/n so they can talk it out and stop ignoring one another"

"Oh yeah!" Luffy laughed, "I remember now"

"Yeah, but for how long..." Usopp mumbled, noting Zoro as he sat in the corner; still from when you had all entered hours ago. He was occupied from the bottles of alcohol that surrounded him, clearly intoxicated by the way he moved, his eyes shutting in show motions.

Continuing his search, Usopp caught the eye of Nami, waving her down with a sly signal, letting her know the operation was in place. She returned the signal, turning back towards yourself and Robin to execute her end of the plan.

"Sanji?"

"Mmm?"

"You sure you want to be the one to do this?"

Sanji clapped his hands together, drunk on the thought of Nami. "Anything to please my sweet Nami-Swan!"

"Alright, sorry I asked..."

Usopp swiftly pushed Sanji into Zoro's direction, bracing himself for a clash to unfold. He was surprised when Sanji had volunteered to help, however, now understanding his willingness to help Nami, it became clear he would set aside his pride to be in her good book for a while.

———————

"Oi, Marimo"

"What the hell do you want, curly brow?" Zoro snapped, opening his eye. As he looked up it was if he had sobered up immediately, not wishing to be caught off guard by someone like Sanji.

Kicking the bottle aimlessly, Sanji ignored looking directly at Zoro, disgusted to be in his presence; but determined to obey Nami's wish. "I can't believe you're still just as drunk and useless as before. Or maybe I can, it is you after all... and I expect nothing but disgusting behaviour from you"

"What the hell did you say?"

"Oh, and you're deaf now too? A wonderful addition for the greatest swordsman you so wish to become"

"You better watch what you say stupid cook or the next thing that will be flying out of your mouth is those teeth"

Sanji laughed, amused by Zoro's attempt to sound tough; knowing he couldn't kick his ass if he was even sober. Lighting up a cigarette Sanji let room for a dramatic pause, building Zoro's anger all the more painful. He wanted to let him sweat, bath in his fury in a wish to escape, hoping the rest of his friends were sticking to their end of the plan; not screwing it up for his beloved navigator.

Taking a long drawn out puff, Sanji soothed the smoke around him, clouding Zoro's view. He was prepared to fight back if things turned sour, Zoro obvious to the script given, widening his stance just a bit more than usual.

"Not if I end up knocking you on your ass first, moss head"

———————

Looking up from your drink you noticed a comfortable laugh, meeting Luffy as he sat opposite you; Usopp sitting to his left. In one hand, Luffy had gathered a flowing bowl of food, unusual to the group as food services has ceased mere hours ago. They easily slid into conversation, Nami and Usopp counteracting off one another as usual; Luffy too busy with the food to chime in.

As Robin's eye slid from the group she noticed a commotion caused by Sanji, drifting her attention to where Zoro sat. She half nudged to you, although spoke loud enough for Luffy to hear.

"Zoro looks rather uncomfortable"

You followed her gaze, alongside Luffy, finding the tufts of green behind the stack of bottles and Sanji's tall figure. It was obvious the two were bickering - as usual - their body language intense and stubborn.

Amused by his friends, Luffy took a moment to finish eating, swallowing the chunk of meat wedged in his mouth. His body turned, already forgetting his mission but proceeding out of the goodness of his heart.

"Oi, Zoro!" Luffy called.

The group shifted their attention, looking over to where Zoro sat, apart from you, the grimace on his face a clear indicator of what everyone was looking for; a clear way for him to come over. Everyone around you exchanged a look, proud as Luffy waved his arms around, catching Zoro's attention.

All it took was Luffy's instructions, a simple obedience from the captains right hand man, and the plan would continue the smooth sailing in place.

"Come over here!"

———————

Intruded by the inviting idea of separation, Zoro quickly left from his spot. He ignored the wobble in his legs, grasping his swords tight as he shoved past Sanji, making his way over to where his captain sat.

From his angle there looked to be four of his friends, laughing and having a better time than what he was experiencing currently. He didn't mind if he had to listen to the nagging voice of Nami as she spoke, mindlessly chatting to Robin, who as usual, looked deep in thought. He would be happy to engage with Luffy when he could, making the top of his list for favourite people in a heartbeat, enjoying the pleasant conversation as he joked with Usopp.

As he crashed down into the circle he caught sight of something he hadn't noticed before, sitting to his left, hidden by the figures of his friends. A crushing stutter caught him in a choke, punching the air from his lungs. His heartbeat was horrifically loud, pounding in his ears, not expecting you to be here, so close to him; smelling so inviting.

"Y/n?"

———————

You could feel the group grow quiet, half expecting you to say something, surprised Zoro even spoke to you at all. It had been years since he attempted any form of conversation, the last time ending a lot differently than his current tone now.

"Hi?" you shrugged, looking away from him back to Robin, ignoring the blistering heat of embarrassment across your face.

Zoro grumbled something, half attempting to get up but remembered Sanji, looking over his shoulder as if to keep him in place. He refused to engage in any looming conversation, as much as they tried to include him, keeping to himself as he fidgeted, agitated of this current predicament.

He was trapped.

Once again Robin nudged you, laughing as you rolled your eyes at her now obvious attempt to get you to talk to Zoro. Her face continued to remain hopeful, even attempting to bring Zoro to join in; which he quickly rejected.

"Stop trying to make it happen..." you mumbled to her, leaning in close so nobody would overhear. "He is clearly not going to make things better between us so there is no point in trying to get us to talk"

Grinning innocently she took a sip from her wine. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Y/n"

"Robin, please!" you begged, hoping someone would back you up here. Everyone knew how much he hurt you, unable to hide your raw emotions after the fight, turning cold and almost frightened at his mere presence. And it stung, seeing all your friends ignorant to your feelings, pushing you to do something uncomfortable.

How come Zoro wasn't getting this treatment?

Why wasn't he being pushed to speak to you?

You stood up, unable to take any more of the growing intolerance between you and Zoro. If something was to happen moving forward you were not going to be the one to break first. "I'm going to grab another drink"

———————

Robin watched as you walked away, an added annoyance in your strut as you quickly chugged the remainder of your drink. She sighed, turning to Nami, afraid the plan was getting out of hand. "Nami..."

Nami held her finger up, stopping Robin from counting further, knowing what she was referring to. "I've got this"

She had noticed Zoro's dazed state, realising your disappearance may have unnoticed to him. Thinking quickly she drunk the remainder of her drink, pinching Robin's out of her hand, before finishing that as well.

"Oi, Zoro, go get us some more drinks" Nami extended her arm out in his direction, drinking glasses twisted through her fingers.

Zoro scoffed. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you would do anything to get some alcohol in that empty hand of yours, and I told you to" Nami pressed her lips into a thin line, handing her glass over to him. "Now go!"

———————

Mumbling under his breath, Zoro trudged back over to the drink table, slamming the glasses down. The table was still flowing with bottles of various alcohol and barrels of beer, which Zoro was sure to swipe of mug off on his quest.

As he fumbled around the bottles of wine he caught a whiff of you, transporting back to moments ago sat by your side. Actually, he never noticed you leave your spot. He wondered where you went, both as of now and after Sabaody. He missed you terribly, forcing his memory of you to be pushed to the back of his mind, too focused to worry about the addition of his friends. He missed everyone - even the presence of Sanji - but nothing hurt him as much as returning to silence.

Zoro missed your chatter, your laughter, having you accompany him with stupid experiments. He missed how you would annoy him with help, both to rest and to assist with various things in the name of science. He enjoyed your stories, babbling on with terms he didn't understand, but the joy in your eyes was enough to get him through.

He missed having you around.

He would do anything to have you back.

As his hand came over to the barrel, there was a slight touch, gentle and cautious, pulling away as soon as you both touched hands. The voice sung a swat apology, Zoro looking over to grunt at the person, annoyed of their close proximity.

Looking up he was quick to meet your eye, looking away just as fast, embarrassed he didn't see you there. Again.

It was a common theme for him tonight, almost overlooking you like a shadow without means. He was confused, hurt, but knew if something were to happen now would be the time to ask. He needed to know why you were ignoring him.

Maybe attempting to smooth things over wouldn't be so bad?

———————

"Beer, huh?"

"Hmm?" you stopped pouring, setting the mug down onto the table; grasping it firmly for comfort. You refused to look over in his direct, feeling his body do the same, unable to meet each other in an eye lock.

"I didn't think you drank that stuff"

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me. A lot can change in two years, you know"

He went quiet to that, skipping a beat.

"You still... doing those experiments?"

You turned your body towards him, cocking an eyebrow at his attempt to small talk; wondering what your friends had said to him. Surely Nami had got to him, assuming Robin was too polite to be forceful and direct him your way.

"Is this your attempt to say sorry to me?"

"What?"

"Are you trying to apologise for your behaviour, Zoro? How you treated me? Or are just going to pretend like that never happened?"

"I-" Zoro fumbled, not entirely sure what to say. "What would I apologise for?"

Zoro could see his response hurt, your face dropping, a slight quiver in your lip. Your hand let go of the mug, balling at your side in rage, turning your knuckles a ghostly shade of white. An inconvenient swear parted your lips, furious he had the nerve to even say that to you.

How could he still be so blind and ignorant?

Brushing past him you made sure to hit him on the way, cementing your frustrations. It wasn't enough to let him mentally paint the picture anymore, waiting for some half-ass apology that had no value to his words; only to stop you behaving in such a sour way. It was tiring, exhausting, wondering if maybe you would come back to him the same as he always used to be, forgetting about how he treated you, resuming your friendship, or if he would take the plunge and own up to his mistake.

And unfortunately neither was an option.

Zoro's head followed you, looking over his shoulder as you walked away from him. There was a drop in his stomach, realising why exactly now you were ignoring him; hurt by his actions. But Zoro had no idea why. Until he remembered the fight.

Your face held a familiar look to how you looked before, back in Sabaody; back when he snapped at you. He could clearly remember the whimper and shake of your lip, almost frightened by how he raised his voice at you.

You were scared of him.

He made you retreat from him - afraid to get hurt again.

Swearing under his breath Zoro realised what he had done, realising there was a reason for your blunt behaviour that he hadn't thought about before. He was so blind to his own selfish goal over the two years it never occurred his actions had consequences on you; or anyone else for that matter.

Leaving the glasses on the table, Zoro followed you, struggling to keep up as you darted out of the banquet. He picked up to a steady jog, the only indicator of you the linger scent that curled his toes to think about. A wash of blame fell over him, never understanding why it took him this long to piece together what he did. He had time. 2 years. 2 years to think about everything but somehow this slipped his mind.

He hoped he could repair what he broke.

"Y/n, wait..."

Zoro continued to follow you outside, a deep hazy blue surrounding you as you stood by the doors of the palace. It was quiet, still, the loss of people still hoarding in the banquet giving an almost apocalyptic feel.

As he lunched to you, Zoro's hand gripped your arm stopping you in your tracks, the amount of force made you turn on your heels, allowing him to face you properly. "Is this why you've been avoiding me?"

You struggled to look up at him, knowing if you did you would cry. His grip was strong, although you knew it would be easy to break away from him if you wanted to, giving you the freedom to disappear again. He just wanted an answer.

"I wasn't trying to ignore you. I was going to speak to you... I thought about it, but it didn't make any sense. I wasn't making any sense. I thought, if we are going to talk then I need to get an apology; something sincere from you. And so I came back and I saw you and you said nothing, and any time we were together, you said nothing. And now we're here and you're still not saying anything to me"

Zoro continued to stay silent, hoping you would explain deeper.

"What you said to me back then, how you handled your emotions and lashed out at me for helping you, it wasn't fair. And now I don't know how to act around you and it isn't fair. I don't know how to feel. I'm angry. I miss you. I feel like I'm out of my mind!"

"No, you're not! I snapped at you when you were just trying to help me, care for me, and you didn't need me doing that to you. I was cruel. And I came back and tried to act like it was no big deal, but it was a big deal! I couldn't stand the thought of you not speaking to me ever again, but then I was also doing it to you! I made a promise to myself and it got in the way of how I treated you, and so I'm sorry! Nakamas?"

You smiled up at him, ignoring the stream of tears that clouded your vision. There was only thing you truely wanted when the crew reunited and now you had it, an apology, a genuine apology from Zoro.

"Nakamas"

Your arms flew around Zoro's middle, pulling yourself to him in an embrace, feeling his body stiffen at the contact. You were aware of his strict dismissal of affection, however you didn't care, leaning into the idea everything was okay between you two. And it was.

Zoro reciprocated the hug, keeping you close, his face leaning down to bury into the tuft go hair atop of your head. His body relaxed, engulfing you tighter into his body, pressing the smell of musk and steel against your skin.

He was happy. For the first time in a long time he was happy. It felt so good, so right to have you like this; speaking to him again. It was if the moment he snapped a part of him went missing, your presence dissolving from his life and also a part of him he wasn't sure he could ever get back. But here he was, completely whole, and he refused to let something like that come between you two again.

"I'm so glad I have you back, Y/n"

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egotisticalmachine · 6 months

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sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

#asks #advice #teefiesworld #also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research #but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it #like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''#''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol''#and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely #until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception #over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism #its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity #but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me #all about striking that balance #not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be #bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior #idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like #i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc #btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u

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lowlaif · 6 months

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Konpeito

never seen a star up close.

kinda wanna eat one.

and no, not one of those starlets hanging out in ridiculously overpriced LA villas - now finally available in "sustainable" minus an ecological footprint rivaling the size of their range rovers. the owner will fly in from two towns over so they get there early for their yearly yacht trip and ill activate adblock so palantir cant pester me with 50-euro airline ads to the maldives because shit, money is going to be a bit tight this month

i want to eat a star. actual heaps of gas and space dust and heat and whatdoiknow, im not a scientist, id rather not belie my words by googling the exact chemical configuration of something thats just bright and pacifying to me, something thatll melt on my tongue. 'm not even gonna chew. just gonna swallow it. the way i ate chocolate as a kid because relishing in something meant enough time for it to be taken away. the way i drink medicine because - if you gulp it down really quickly, it doesnt have time to taste bitter: anything can be honeyed milk if you clench your teeth hard enough

did you know thats what galaxy means anyway? milk? i wonder what galactical honey would be, then. whether id think its sweet or spicy, whether id like the taste or want to spit it out. if itd go down with well-rounded corners or lodge itself into my throat and stay there. fishbones. i also wonder whether astronauts ever feel scammed when they set foot on the ISS and realize theyre not going to bear witness to a sky made out of sparkling lights and silver threads and golden spots and rainbow clouds but rather just a sea so inky black it's going to make breathing difficult not just by lack of oxygen alone. earths much too reflective for any other luminescent object to be visible to the naked eye, ive been told, hence why youd just be looking at a planet so bright it surely hurts to stare at it, and i wonder what it feels like, being up there and gazing down only to be blinded when youre so used to looking up and squinting?

im homesick thinking of kids drawing earth into the upper right corner of their drawings. i dont actually know if theres stars up there though everybody tells me those pinprick lights are, and i cant breathe when im busy trying to figure out what exact level of depression the stale air around me tastes like. but something in my brain clicks when i think of shiny things and theres no empirical evidence that grabbing the sparkly stuff up above my head wont cure me so i want to, i want to, i want to. wanting always boils down to sinking your teeth into it and ive filed my canines far too often to fear the force of my bite now

people dance on the moon and i mimic their steps in my bedroom and though these are just small steps i dont know the names of the poor sods stuck on the ISS either, even though there's only been like 500 of them and they're all way better at living life than i am. my hands ghost over where i instinctively know the light switches of my flat are and wonder if up there somebody's got a nightlight, cheap plastic stars attached to their ceilings, one of those little projectors that put constellations on your walls. whether they ever have trouble sleeping and if yes, what the hell do they look up at then? who do they cast their wishes to?

never seen a star up close. never held one. but the concept is so familiar, so ingrained into whatever our shared consciousness is made out of, that i want with my molars. i itch to keep it in my tummy so it keeps me warm on the cold days and i only trust what i see so i want to look at it until my retinas burn, until the sound of the big bang echos in the confines of my brain. itll drown out all other unwanted thoughts and itll sing in the genetic make-up of my descendants long after my neighbours cant hear me sing in the shower anymore. ill cup my palms and pray into them. begging is easier when youre in position and im on my knees and i swear ill never run out of things to whisper to the radiant little ember in my hands because it is beautiful and because i like shiny things and because stars have always made us look up at them and

When I finally get my teeth on it and swallow it whole I'm sure a piece of the star will get lodged in my throat like. fishbones. in a last-ditch effort at vengeance. I'll spend the rest of my life attempting to choke it back up.

"I made it with love," I'll say after I finally managed to do so.

"Careful, it's hot."

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #poetry #words #musings

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daveyfvckingjacobs · 5 months

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exactly one person asked so now I am going to Ramble about my silly little pirate crew adhd got me so this is very delayed but here we go

in all honest theyre a pirate crew only by technicality. their current ship, dogma, is a little trading vessel kolvar intends to fix up and sell when she feels its time to move on, and that she acquired through less than illicit means. thats the basics of her deal: join a ship, work up, dispatch of the crew (either breathing or not) and then move on with the ship

the scheme is all her idea, a once solo endeavour, and aleksandr is generally happy to help. viktor thinks its a ridiculous thing and too reckless to be worth it, but he has no choice in what the three of them do for ✨reasons✨

the three of them (eventually will be four, their navigator is the newest character and as of right now unnamed but shes an icon) are my favourite group to create and write about. an elf, a wolf and a daemon walk into a bar kinda thing: it shouldnt work, but it does. theyre all very much outcasts in their own ways

kolvar alvara is the captain and ringleader. shes an elf from javelina, hailing from elven territory relatively close to the capital city of relia that has left its workings very familiar to her (namely the king, guards, trading etc). even though she appears to be, shes not blind and her white eyes are a mark of what is most simply explained as a ‘curse’, believed to have been set upon her by the elven deity who hasnt been seen to his people for decades. it has left her unwanted, shunned and that lore would make this too long and is too unpolished as of right now for me to share properly. kolvar is searching for an explanation for her mark, a way to set it right or demand answers, hence her inability to stay in one place. shes flighty, almost mad, reckless and wickedly smart and its left her highly wanted, throughout javelina and darin in particular

aleksandr gaillot is a well meaning boy from darin, who joined kolvar and viktor relatively recently. somewhat naive compared to them, but just as bold, hes travelling as a way to almost discover himself, and where he belongs. as a davanrian, he has always been a wanderer (their people have no set lands, spread throughout various countries) and that suits him just fine, or so he pretends, but hes always desperate for more. hes fascinated by kolvar and viktor both, and determined to understand the strange pair that they make, even if its slightly from the outside

viktor is the most confusing of the three. no surname, no roots (even he isnt sure where hes from, although the country would eventually become the germany of our/ashs world). born an elf, he was a meddling, reckless, bold young man who tangled with dark magic and it left him, for lack of a better word, damned. it was killed, years ago, and doesn’t know why hes still around as a daemon (although hes not quite that, but its the best word to describe it). all he knows is that his continued existence relies on being shackled/bound to a mortal being, a life force tying him down in a sense. that mortal, currently, is kolvar and he is less than happy about it. hes learned to up with her, but has no choice but to follow along with, listen to and protect her. if kolvar dies he moves to a new mortal, and shes actually the most pleasant hes hand in a few hundred years. viktor is a bitter, broken sort of creature, caught between real life and death and hes less than pleasant for it. always the one to make threats, no qualms with violence, it acts largely as a guard dog

theyre all seeking something, and those somethings are left unspoken between them. they conduct their business, run from the law and from themselves and maybe theyll find something or maybe then wont but itll certainly be an adventure

#viktor is my favourite boy ever I will not lie #love him so much could talk for hours #and the others ofc #need to develop and name the fourth more #shes a serval davanrian (shapeshifter)#oc #orignal character #original characters #original story #tanner writes #daveyfvckingjacobs

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caluski · 8 months

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Do you like to only have coffee at cafes or do you enjoy trying different teas as well? Recently i went to a cafe and bought white tea and the lady threw in some dried rose as a bonus, i thought that was super cute and tasted great... if you do drink tea whats the fav one you had so far...and if not then the same question but for coffee 🍂��🍰☕🍵

hmmmmm i dont mind teas! but my opinion on teas is similar to flowers, its like.... i dont know much about anything. i usually stay away from green teas, because it makes me nervous how easy it is to fuck them up, so i always worry theyll bring me the little pot and i wont take out the tea holder on time and itll end up so bitter that i cant drink it and ill waste my money. bc i feel like every other tea, black, white, fruity or herbal, theyre so much harder to fuck up - so i prefer those.

one thing i do have my mind set on, about teas, is that i never take them with sugar or honey or even lemon! i always thought they are so much better on their own. the exception being like, this winter kinda tea, the heavy stuff with like wintertime fruits and spices and whatever, like, you know, apples and oranges and cinnamon and the little thingies.... like natures nails, i dont fucking remember what theyre called, but they get nailed into oranges all the time. anyway, its so good.

and YES i love it when they throw in flowers into white teas! i have no fucking idea if it influences the taste at all, but i love how pretty it looks. yeeeears ago, in this cafe that is now long gone, i remember ordering a sailor-moon themed white tea with flowers inside, and i still think about it until this day. not that it was like, that good. but it was so fucking cute. such a good concept. tea is already just dried leaves and stuff, why not throw in more plants inside. i also love it when its done with alcohol. just throwing some grass or leaves or flowers into vodka. idk if they give any additional flavor tho.

#thank uuuuuu for asking dear wawek.... mwah #pogaduchy

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gloomforrestrunes · 10 months

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Why did River react like that when the griffin left to check on Kane?

itll be be explained better in a couple of pages but basically kane and river were in a relationship but they separated about a week prior to when chapter 1 takes place. there's still some lingering tension and bitterness on river's end due to the circumstances/reasons behind the breakup. despite that she's still friendly with kane's friends, mainly aven.

though i will clarify that river does mean it when she says "do what you want, i dont care" to aven. she recognizes that aven is good friends with kane and she doesnt wanna potentially ruin his friendship with him just because of her and kane's history. she knows that her sour feelings are directed at kane and kane only and is mature enough not to bring anyone else into it hfdshj.

yknow when you're having a good day but then you see someone or something in passing that completely fucks up your mood? yeah thats pretty much what her upset expression means haha.

she's still hurt and just... really doesnt wanna see kane right now! which is very reasonable i think.

#ask #anon #river brooke #aven rhea #kane aera

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ilyiad · 11 months

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hope you are doing better wrt ur ex. much love. i am kind of in the same boat rn and i guess i just need to hear that itll dissipate

hello my friend 🤍 i am so sorry to hear that and am sending all my love. it’s been almost a year now for me and honestly at the time i felt like i was physically feeling my heart break in half. i remember feeling so frustrated when the only advice anyone had for me was to give it time; it hurts so bad and i feel like it’s the worst thing in the world just waiting and letting it happen and i find letting people go so unbelievably painful and it was really difficult those first few weeks i couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep and for me I think part of it as well is that I felt so guilty even imagining moving on? like the idea that one day it wouldn’t hurt anymore and I wouldn’t care anymore felt like such a betrayal of all the good moments i almost didn’t want it to feel better?

all this to say i don’t know where you’re at but i know it hurts like a bitch and i promise you it feels better. let the people who love you take care of you, let yourself be a mess for a while, one day you stop itching to text them or call them and one day it hurts less and at some point you can look back at it with affection without it feeling so bad. it came and went for a while and then it got better. i lost that very physical weight on my chest. heartbreak is genuinely such a physical ache. there was a long time for me where i was just really angry and bitter over what happened even when it wasn’t hurting the same anymore and for a while i thought that was just how it was going to be and even that has kind of subsided and i wish him well even though i don’t think we’re going to get in touch again.

and i am dating someone else! i never in a million years saw him coming i fully expected to want to be alone for a good long time but i am so happy with him. it gets better. I think some people are in our lives for less time than we hoped or expected in the beginning and that feels impossible to bear when you lose them. but i promise it feels better

all my love and i hope you’re doing okay ❤️ look after yourself!! lean on your friends do whatever you can to take your mind off things and i hope you feel better very soon

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dyketubbo · 2 years

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Do you have anything abt the enderman that killed the ender dragon? Thats such a cool concept

that would be t'surots! (tih-suh-rahts, stardust backwards because i wasnt about to make a whole conlang so ender is just backwards words edited around based on how i would spell the pronunciation of a backwards word. theres some letters dropped here and there for easier pronunciation and spelling)

t'surots (tisa for short, pronounced like tihsuh) is. an oddity. for one, they have white eyes (based off the very first concept for endermen), and with their skin condition passed down from their parent and elder, they end up looking pretty striking, and in a way that makes other ender uncomfortable. others have a hard time making eye contact with t'surots, and with how important being able to do that is for ender (it helps with speaking telepathically, and is a sign of trust. however, it can also be a sign of aggression), tisa ends up being an outcast (t'sactow) even if they wouldn't have otherwise been (looking different isnt tooooo much of a big deal because it helps with differentiation, even if itll get you weird looks and passive aggressive comments if you look Too Different)

of course, as being ostracized from your entire society can do to a person, t'surots grows very bitter and, with while at first they try to get a job, prove themself worthy somehow, it.. falls through. ender refer to each other by titles and roles, but for outcasts, it takes a while for a new role to set in for how theyre referred. and for t'surots, it never seems to set in at all, and they find its hard to be properly interested in most of the jobs anyways. really, they wish they were a wanderer (rurenah) like their sibling (i'llrekilf, literally translated to flickerfly but means firefly) and secondary parent (skulalif, filalux, based off a plant in the better end mod), but you have to be able to teleport to the overworld, and while t'surots can teleport, they cant go between dimensions like those two. they try to get by just listening to their sibling's stories, and helping sort things out when they can (one day i'llrekilf brings back a pumpkin, and t'surots wears it every now and again. it makes conversation just a little bit easier). but eventually, i'llrekilf talks about their own issues with their community, and it sparks some rebellious thoughts in t'surots mind.

eventually, comes along the proper start to the flame. i'llrekilf and t'surots's primary parent, supo (just opus. theres not much you can do with that lmao), is a caroller (rullolek). which, in supo's case, means they work with nobles (ulbon), crystals (lutsyrk), and their vocals (lakov). crystals are spiritual ender. whether through visions, or prophecies, or predictions or what have you, they seem to have some sort of higher knowledge. usually, this has been attributed to far off crystals in certain areas, but ones who seem to have no connection to them are just called eyes. vocals send their messages, and carollers are usually entertainment, since crystals often stick to wherever they feel the most connected. supo takes their offspring along one day, and the three witness a message.

the dragon was fated to die, by the hands of a traveller aided by one born in secret. one noted to have strange eyes, but, says the vocal with a glance to t'surots before pointedly looking away, not that strange.

t'surots decides to kill the dragon.

t'surots is. not the kindest on their own. they manage to get i'llrekilf on their plan, and get their help on gathering supplies from the overworld. rekilf figures theyre being helpful, doing a good thing. they wish they could do it with t'surots, but t'surots insists that it has to be t'surots, to prove everyone wrong. rekilf is a little unsure of if thats the right reason to take down the dragon, but at least its still doing a good thing?

fast forward, resentment grows, and when t'surots succeeds in killing the dragon, and i'llfrekilf is fed up, especially when t'surots brings up smashing the dragon's egg. rekilf makes a scene, takes the egg, and teleports into the overworld. t'surots, desparate to look in control, declares that they're going to look for the egg-- and i'llrekilf--, and jumps into the portal

#i'llrekilf is pronounced like i'll (as you would the abbreviation)- freh - kill - fh #supo like suh poh #skulalif like skull - ah - lihf #ender also have titles and personal names given to them by their parent and only known by them and their parent #t'surots is derunah t'surots and their personal name shi'roimif which translates to 'stronger than i' stardust the honored #t'surots role is t'sactow as said so they would be called derunah t'sactow (honored outcast)#until they get a new role after killing the dragon and is called derunah roivas (honored savior)#t'surots [oc]#angel answers #dragon's end [ocs]#neither of the arts in this ask have been posted here lol so dw if you dont recognize them #they both of course end up in different places #and end up meeting different people before they meet again both pretty different from how they were before

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated

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versadies · 2 years

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Seeing what other anons said made me think that maybe if I write to you the bitter and unsettling feeling on my chest I've felt ever since I read the chapter will finally be gone so... Here I go...

When I found out about Evermore I was barely starting to be an Ayato lover and the "later on diluc.." got my interest but in the end I stayed because I fell in love with the story since it's so well written and the synopsis is so good that you really get immersed on it, I really have to applaud you for that.

I respect people who ship Jeanluc, I wouldn't exactly say that I dispise it but I don't love it either. What I do hate is when I'm forced to digest it when I'm looking for Diluc only content especifically.

Was I disappointed? I wouldn't just label it as that since I don't know exactly what I'm or should be really feeling as of now. It's like a mix of anger, disgust, hope, confusion, frustration and it may sound really dramatic but also heartbreak, as if I was really there and truly found out my feelings were not corresponded. I even went back some chapters looking for clues as to where I missed or when did I miss interpreted something but I ended up more confused especially by the ending of chapter 12...

I've kinda fallen out of love with the series do to the letdown but I decided I'll keep reading just because I truly want to see the reader having a happy ending. Sadly It feels like I'm reading this more out of compromise rather than the love I felt from the beginning. I don't know what to expect from now on, especially the next chapter knowing you'll touch more on the ship. I do hope the reader will finally be happy, be it alone or with someone, but only you know how this'll end and it's your story at the end of the day.

Still thanks for the experience and hope the best for you. I'm sorry if this is to long or if it has errors but english is not my first language. :(

as ive said in some asks, i really do apologize for the letdown as well as the forced digest of the ship. i’ve already made something that’ll hopefully make things up for those who feel the same with what you said as well as those who are uncomfortable with jeanluc (itll be posted in a while today). i understand that you fell out of love with the series as well as having mixed feelings, and there’s nothing much i can do about it. i also respect you for deciding to still stay for reader’s ending.

as for the clues, there were some chapters that mentions something about diluc and his secret (?) (like how ayato was thinking about diluc when he first saw his name and reader’s in the champagne gift, etc.) - but of course, i didn’t try to hint the plot twist much as it will be too predictable so that’s a mistake of mine. again, i apologize for the inconvenience chapter thirteen brought to you and to those who were affected. (p.s. chapter 14 wont rlly touch too much on the ship ?? it’s really just about diluc’s past b4 the engagement and encounter with reader in the airport, what brought him to being engaged to jean, and his feelings towards reader as far as i know).

#— ( penpal anon 📣 )#— ( about . evermore )

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heavyskysystem · 5 months

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cederic vent

"Adam already has stood up for you. Yelled at people for you. Does not share your little social anxiety trait at all. He is strong in a way your weak, I get why you admire him so much. I am weaker than that. I know, Fiona tried to stand up for you too and she got it all wrong, it turned out messy, destructive, a near crime.. she couldve seriously badly injured somebody. I know we get it all wrong. We are misalligned. Out of synch. But we love you. We care for you. Some of us atleast. I feel cold and dead now. I want what Adam has. I want that love. I want to be strong like that. I feel like.. you dont mean to harm me with this, you just dont understand how it feels, it feels unreal to you, like an outlier an anomaly, something that shouldnt happen on the inside. Jealousy is for outside people, not for people on the inside. Im sorry im like this. Im sorry its such a big issue still. I wish I could stand up for you like that. But maybe I am better, cause what if I can make you stronger from within, so youll just do it yourself and wont even need Adam to do that for you? You dont even have to get big bad and angry like he does. You can do it in your own, polite, cut-throat way. Id love to see that, honestly. And I know Adam isnt a fan of being used by you or used that way, but when it comes down to it he does get mad and take over and handles it for you. Yells at people and shit. Tears them a new one. I get why that would make you feel safe. Why you like it so much. You black out a little bit and the problem is solved. Cool. But I can help you too, I can be good for you too. Ill continue to improve. What we have is special. I believe that you think this too. You love me too, in your own way. But ill make you stronger even than Adam. I know what you really need. Do I look horrible to you for saying that? Do I remind you of bad things youd rather leave behind? Am I a bad person for this struggle? I know you do not see it as proof of my love, you see it as insecurity, weakness. Discomfort. It makes you shiver. You never want someone to be jealous again. You dont like it. But you feel sorry for me, you care for me. I do think you have a point by the way, I can see it from your perspective and for a second even I accept it as my own, that we .. could be peaceful if I just accepted how you see him. If I stopped competing. That what you expect is the normal and natural thing here and im in fact not the one in the right. But then I get a little bitter. A little bitter critter. I think Adam is not the big boss he thinks he is, that he has so much to learn.. and fuck he did make more growth than I have. He did back down so much more easily from hurting you. Im sorry that over and over again you had to deal with one persecutor and then the next. But I promise. I promise ill.. ill grow in my own way. Different from him. And itll be just as good. Even if took more. Even if I hurt you worse. I know, Adam is fucking impressive. I get it. A fucking narcissist that managed to handle your insults, that didnt meltdown from it, that bounced back that grew from it. But didnt I eventually do the same? Maybe not as fast, maybe not as impressively. Maybe I wasnt as loud about it. But I appreciate it more than he does. And I feel how little you want me to do this sad dance of bargaining for why im better, I do feel incredibly weak doing this, cause yes before I wouldve melted down in fucking us up physically to punish you. But apparently you really hate me making myself small and comparing myself. I dont think you understand just how.. youre our host man. I resolve around you not because im a bad person from your past, but because im literally incapable of properly fronting. Its.. I know Adam doesnt do that. I know hes so much more distinct. I just.. I cant deal with these feelings. I feel. so backed into a corner. so ugly and deprived. Maybe... you like shielding me too. Standing up for me. Being loud for me. I can just give you a little mental kiss. I dont have to get angry here like I used to. Youre right I really did change."

#cederic #vent

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