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#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt
opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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moonlit-imagines · 4 years
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Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s son (Part 2)
Tony Stark x son!reader
warnings:
a/n: had to split it into 2 parts bc i hit the text limit dhshaggags
prompt: continued
part 1
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~sokovia was ur first big mission~
“why is y/n here, stark?” -cap
“the first mistake was letting me become a father”
���good god, tony...”
you having the time of your life crushing robots
“WHEEEEEE”
also proving useful by saving avengers a handful of times
“thanks for the assist, stark clone” -clint
rip pietro
rhodey was actually the most worried about you if we’re being honest, he didn’t understand why they let you in this one???
“y/n? y/n, talk to me! are you alive?”
“yes, uncle rhodey! i’m perfect, stop worrying!”
“i love you, kid! be safe!”
✨a good family you’ve got✨
soon the avengers broke up bc your dad cant get along with steve and it was just really awkward
but you chose your dad’s side
“sorry, steve! he pays my allowance!”
peter was actually a little okay, you know!! spazzy at first, but he was cool
“dude, you’re y/n stark! you’re tony stark’s very own son! i’m talking to mr. stark’s only child!”
“yep, that’s me. i’m what earned tony the title of ‘DILF’”
teenage teamup? ofc
“am i doing alright?”
“looking a-okay, pete!”
tony was worried fighting steve would traumatize you so he made you wait at the hotel with happy and peter
“don’t do anything to embarrass me, y/n. i dont want to see you on the news for something stupid”
you and peter ended up hanging out in your room and watching tv and ordering room service
“how do you do that so smoothly? i’d just freak out and go get it myself”
“years of experience as a spoiled rich brat”
absolutely positively being up all night and trying to fight your exhaustion
“you two seem to be getting along well. couldn’t be me” -happy
“for someone named happy, you never seem to be happy”
“not around teenagers, no”
“i remember when you loved me, ‘uncle happy’”
peter texted you every day after that
whenever flash picked on peter for “never meeting tony stark” he’d show a picture of you and him taking selfies in the lab together yes you invite him over much to the dismay of everyone else around you
plus tony was out of town and you were finally trusted enough to be left alone unchecked so like, happy would just leave at the first sign of peter
“that’s not real!”
“jealous?”
you actually showed up for homecoming on a dare (but in disguise)
didn’t wanna attract all the attention, you just wanted a high school experience
but you got called into avengers tower to help move early on :/ bad timing too cuz peter had to fight his first villain and u missed it
“dude, how do you feel?”
“bruh sound effect number two”
“oh my god”
FRIDAY heard him and pulled up the sound and you were WEAK you couldn’t stop laughing
“please....i think i broke a few ribs. cant laugh until tomorrow”
tony offered peter the avengers gig and peter said no, you were very disappointed but u understood that not everyone wanted to be in the spotlight like that
but you and peter obviously still hung out
oh, tony proposed! they interviewed you on sight!
“y/n, how does it feel to know that you’re going to have a stepmom soon?”
“you guys are aware that pepper helped raise me, right? right?!”
moving on, life was smooth for a while, there was some wedding planning, talk of you being a best man (which rhodey fought you on)
“no, i’ve known your dad longer!”
“i’m his son!”
i n v a s i o n
oh boy that was rough
bruce was surprised that you had fucking grown so much in the past 3 years good lord
“y/n...your VOICE”
“puberty, i know. when’s it gonna happen to you?”
“it hurts more when it’s from a teenager”
“uh, did you forget my birthday?”
peter’s back! peter’s back!
finally, man
“spider-kid, i could use an assist!”
“on the way!”
“aliens, why did it have to be aliens?”
up up and away for tony and peter, leaving you on the ground with all the earthly chaos and fear
“you two are the absolute worst, you know that? DAD, PETER, GET BACK DOWN HERE”
“no can do, kid. i—” *cuts off*
“oh great, no service on the space donut, huh? find a damn wifi password and call me back you asshole”
pepper was probably having a heart attack bc the news stations were having a field day but you were one of the only active avengers left, meaning you had to help clean this up
“bruce, we gotta get going”
“what? where?”
“upstate”
patching up the avengers as best as you could to take care of the threat
but you guys always win, this should be a cake walk, right?
wrong.
this was bad, very bad
after a lengthy battle with thanos in wakanda, you had failed. thanos got the stones, he snapped. the world was in ruins. but you didn’t get to see that part
you dusted away
“tell dad i’m sorry and i love him”
tony finally came back to earth hoping to see you, but upon seeing pepper’s face, he knew you were gone
“he did everything he could, tony! he didn’t deserve it!”
she was extremely upset, she saw you like a son of her own
soon, her and tony restarted their life and had a daughter, dad always wondered what it’d be like to have a little girl. it was different, it really was
she was eager to meet you
morgan stole pictures of you to hang up in her room
“when i meet y/n, im gonna give him a big hug! then we’ll have a tea party!”
tony has a picture of you and peter in the kitchen, he misses the two of you, but found comfort in the fact that you may be with each other
an ounce of hope, he had to try something
save his only son, and his other son
when he got to 2012, he was disappointed that he hadn’t let you become an avenger yet because he couldn’t see you here
yada yada he fucked up now he’s in the 70s and he fixed the fuck up and now hes in 2023
and bruce snapped
and you were all brought back and the way you kicked ass was inspiring
tony had to see his son now. right now.
“y/n, dear god! you’re okay! oh, man. i love you so much, kid. i missed you”
“i love you too. and i can’t believe you went to space without me, meanie”
“get over it”
ah, back to old times
peter and you obviously had to team up for this one! come on, what a story to tell!
and then, a snap and the warriors began to fade. you turned around and saw him on his knees
“no...”
you rushed over to where peter already was and tried to hold back tears, to be strong for him
“hey, dad. i’m here. no more missed goodbyes, okay? i’m here.”
you sat beside him and held his hand while the rest of your family made their peace with him and he finally slipped away
“y/n...are you okay?” -peter
“not even a little”
peter was worried about you, but you were worried about peter
mutual worry
meeting morgan was...surprising
pepper forgot to tell you they had a daughter while you were gone
she was so sweet and for the first month you lived at the cabin, she slept in your room
you got NO space
“i love you y/n”
“love you too” *thinking about dad bc she just reminds you of him so much*
“i love you y/n”
“love you too, morgan”
over and over
peter and you had sleepovers a lot, usually at his house bc you were the only one besides ned allowed over bc of all the spider-stuff
ned fanboyed over you
also sleepovers at peter’s were a nice break from being at tony’s cabin where you were constantly reminded that he wasn’t there
“y/n, i’m going to europe for a field trip! it’s gonna be awesome!”
“dude, you’re gonna love it. are you bringing your suit?”
“no, this is my offical vacation. no spider-manning”
“good for you, man!”
peter sent you all the pictures he took on his phone
all of them
Peter-Man: And this one is me and Ned in our crappy hotel room. And here’s the river. And here’s MJ covered in birds, and here’s the airplane, Mr. Harrington fell asleep on me
you had to come to europe once you heard what was going on
happy and you picked up peter and he was a mess
“you gave away dad’s glasses?”
“i think we’re past the point that i am not smart”
“jesus, peter. you should have called me about them. i would have taken them off your hands if you weren’t ready for them”
having to make sure that you guys didn’t get hurt bc this was honestly your guy’s first solo pair-up
there wasnt much backup here
finally, you defeated the evil (who apparently held a very large grudge against you. sorry mister beck) and were able to go back home
“call me if you need anything, pete”
“i will. i promise.”
and the next thing you know...peter’s identity was exposed
“i left him alone for one day!”
taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //
#tony stark x son!reader#tony stark x child!reader#tony stark imagine#tony stark x reader#tony stark#stark!reader#stark!son#dad!tony#iron dad#iron man#iron man x son!reader#iron man x male reader#iron man imagine#marvel#marvel x reader#marvel imagine#avengers#avengers x reader#avengers imagine#peter parker x stark!reader#peter parker x reader#peter parker x male reader#peter parker#peter parker imagine#spiderman x stark!reader#spiderman#spiderman x male!reader#spiderman imagine
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forcedsense · 3 years
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People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.
The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.
Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )
Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.
If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.
Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.
#out.#abuse cw#narcissim cw#tbd#possibly#sorry for venting its been a time#im just tired of people and like i literally moved discords and instagrams to avoid him#because of all the bs and lies he started telling ppl abt me to get them on his side#or purposefully cht screencaps to make me looo worse than i make myawlf look already lol#im inclined to delete this in case he still stalks my accounts but my ip tracker hasn taaid anythi my#but it also hasnt shown if ppl have visited my blog at all so i think even tho it said it installed that it didnt install right#ableism cw#i went on instagram and it recced his account to me and i flipped a bit ngl#i still need to softblock on my personal tumblr or just move that too#i was inclined to do moves just bc i dont want him following where i go#and i know that even tho HE initiated no contact and I agreed to it he already broke it once#idk what to do or even if i want to do anything but the amount of bs ive put up w for years bc of him is just#yeah idek im tired but wide away i think i just needed to be emotional#ive been laying down staring at the ceiling for hours missing my dog#which i probably should have dropped this asshole whwn he made a dead animal joke less than aweek after my baby had died two years ago#something i still havent handled well and maybe never will#ima go back to watching markiplier now its 3 am and im debating getting food but idek bc nothing is quit to make#and i get yelled at dor sneezing too late at night so
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gavis-bettel · 5 years
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i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but 
every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old 
like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age 
and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much 
but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried 
and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail 
and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way 
and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol 
and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend 
and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that 
and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde 
but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better 
but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here 
or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out... 
well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol
#star emoji#depression //////#suicide ment //////#description of s/ui/cide attempt//////////#honestly just dont even read this i just need to get this off my chest bc my mental health hasnt been great lately and it might help#oh god this got super long actually please ignore this#OH SHIT WAIT readmores dont work on mobile do they#fuck im so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this shit but i Needed to type this all out im sorry#long post
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Worry
have i mentioned i cant title things for shit?
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Pairing: Vernon x Fem!Reader Genre: little bit of everything?? Warnings: Swearing, arguing a lil, bad self care, idk. an argument bc s/o is taking terrible care of herself (I accidentally wrote it not gender neutral and im too tired to fix it atm but if you want a male/gender neutral version tell me and i’d be happy to fix this sfjksl 
The door was locked when you got home, and that was the first sign that something was off. Hansol normally got in before you did, as you took a later shift and worked until closing, which was normally at 11. He normally got home anywhere from 7 to 9, if you’d remembered correctly, and he never locked the door. That, you knew for sure. 
You couldn’t help it- you were always on him about taking better care of himself, and to lock the door when he was at home, especially alone, was one of the first things you’d tell him every day when you got home. You couldn’t help but worry about him, he worked almost relentlessly, and rarely got enough sleep to satisfy you. The fact that you didn’t know how much he ate, drank, or rested during the day certainly didn’t help, especially since you did know that he spent countless hours working during the time between 5:30 in the morning, when he gets to work, and whatever time he gets off.
You call his name as you slide your shoes and coat off, hanging your purse and said coat on a coat rack by the door. You try to straighten your posture and not look utterly exhausted when you hear his footsteps trudge towards you from the bedroom. A large smile plasters itself on your face in hopes he won’t notice, but you know good and well that no amount of concealer could hide the bags under your eyes. 
His arms wrap carefully around your waist, as if you’re a priceless glass figurine. He gently nuzzles his face into your hair, the cold tip of his nose pressing gently into the crook of your sensitive neck. You shudder, leaning back into him just enough to show your appreciation at the closeness, but not make him feel like he was holding your weight. 
He groans quietly and tightens his arms around you, forcing you to rest all of said weight on him. 
“It’s so late, baby. It’s so late.” He breaths against your neck. “I was getting worried. Why were you out until two? That’s three hours past when your shift ends. They can’t keep you that long.” 
You hum, trying to escape from his grasp because the last thing you want his him to be holding you up when you don’t even know how he holds himself up after so much work every day. 
“It’s Friday, Hansol. Hours vary on Fridays. We had a lot of customers today, i couldn’t get out. I’m responsible for closing up, you know this.” You smile when you finally work your way out of his grip, and turn to place a soft kiss to his cheek. 
He steps forward,  pressing you back against the wall and once again pressing himself close to you. His arms slide around your waist as he leans to press his face to your neck.  
“That’s not okay, baby. You can’t go to bed at three and wake up at six-thirty- i know you stay up hours on homework after you make sure i’m happy and asleep. And i know you don’t eat during or after work, so when do you eat? This isn’t healthy, i can’t just let you keep doing this.” He rants, warm breath brushing against your collarbone. 
You can feel how passionate he is about this just by how tightly he holds you to him. Sighing, you reach around him and gently start massaging his shoulders, in hopes your touch might calm him down a little bit. 
“I’m fine. I really don’t stay up too late, i have an hour of free time between school and work so i get some homework done then, and i eat in the same time. I get an apple or something before i leave, and sometimes i snack at work. Really, i’m okay. Just worry about yourself.” 
You didn’t mean it in a bad way, but you were just so tired that the insulting, untrusting, insensitive ways he might interpret your words just wasn’t a thought that crossed through your mind as you spoke. It took you a minute, as he sharply pulled away, to really process what you had said. But by then, the damage had been done. He stepped back. 
He didn’t touch you at all. He just stared at you, surprised and hurt. “Worry about myself? While you’re losing weight way too fast and can barely hold yourself up? Even now you’re leaning  You can’t hide all of this from me- i notice things, and i’m a good enough boyfriend to care about your health.” You can hear how hurt he is through his voice, but the burning anger laced in his tone is unmistakable. 
“Don’t get mad at me, Hansol, you know i didn’t mean it like that.” You breathe, reaching for his hand, but he doesn’t let you take it. 
“You said it, (Y/n), and there’s only one way you can mean that.” He says. “What kind of boyfriend doesn’t worry about their girlfriend? Is that who you want me to be? You want me to disregard your health and safety and just worry about my own? You want me to not be there for you? Because i’d rather not be a boyfriend than be that kind- so you just tell me what you want. Just like every in other relationship, we have to compromise, and my compromise is that if you want that kind of boyfriend you can go and find one because i’m not him and i’m not gonna be him.” 
You sigh, looking down at the floor. You know how passionate he can get about other people’s health- you’d seen it happen before, and you also know how much his emotions get amplified when he’s sleepy. You reach out for him once more while he isn’t paying attention, and he isn’t quick enough to fight you off. You wrap your arms around him tightly and bury your face into his chest. 
“Please don’t say that, baby.” You whisper reassuringly against his shirt. “I don’t want anyone but you. I’m just worried about you- fuck, please don’t say that you want me gone, you scare me.” 
He doesn’t reciprocate your touch, but he doesn’t push you away either. “You don’t need to worry about me, not when you’re so unhealthy.” His tone is sharp, and you can tell your hug isn’t working as you’d hoped it would. 
“I’m not as important as your career, Hansol. And your career takes a toll on your health, so please-” 
“(Y/N).” He snaps impatiently to shut you up, and it works. “Stop it. Nothing is more important to me than your health. I can’t focus at practice because i’m constantly terrified that you’re going to pass out at school or work and i’m not going to know because i’m an idol and we can’t tell people we’re together and no-one is going to know to call me. What will i do then? How could i possibly live with myself knowing i let something happen to you and wasn’t even there to help you through it afterwards? I just want you to be healthy and happy, but you refuse and it makes me wonder what i’ve done so wrong that you don’t care about yourself, but you’d make your situation far worse if it would give me even the smallest hint of a smile.” He rants, breaths speeding up as he gets angrier. 
You reach up beneath his shirt and rub his back gently. He unravels beneath your touch, and you can feel him leaning in closer to you. 
“You have done absolutely nothing wrong- don’t even think that. It’s my fault. But still, that’s not going to happen, Hansol. If it makes you feel better, i’ll try to take better care of myself. But please don’t affect how you work because of me. I don’t mean to worry you.” 
You hear him sigh, and he tilts your chin up so he can lean down and oh-so gently press his warm lips to yours. You let out a breath of relief against his lips in reply, tightening your arms around him. 
He keeps one hand cupping your cheek and his other travels to grasp your hip, but he kisses you softly to contrast it. Until suddenly- you guess he thought about something he didn’t like (or really did), because his whole demeanor changes. It’s like something snaps within him, and he has you pinned to the wall, one leg held up around his waist by his free hand as the his other remains softly cupping your face. His lips move fast and harsh against yours, sending new rushes of electricity jolting through your body whenever he moves even in the slightest. 
But as soon as it begins, it’s ended. You once again feel the change in his demeanor as his exhaustion takes over again, and his lips disconnect from yours to bury his face in your hair again. He mutters an apology and drops the hand on your cheek down to the back of your other thigh, using it to hoist you up. He wraps your legs around your waist and carries you back to your shared bed, quickly dropping you down on the sheets where he hadn’t bothered to make it back after getting up but before meeting you at the door.  A mix of tired and lazy, he doesn’t bother with pajamas. 
Instead, he tells you to lie there as he strips you to your bra and panties, then himself down to his boxers. He tugs his shirt down over your head and rolls you over a bit before collapsing in bed beside you. You don’t move, waiting for his arms to wrap around you- and it doesn’t take long. He tugs you into his frame quickly, rolling you over to look him in the eyes. 
Rough fingertips softly trace up and down your arm as he smiles tiredly at you. You return the look and nuzzle into him. 
“Go to sleep, baby. We have two days to rest up.” he breathes. “I love you.”
#vernon scenarios#hansol vernon chwe#seventeen#Vernon Drabble#seventeen drabble#request#this took me way too long to do#but it was fun to write#so thank you for requesting#kfjgsdhugfKSDIF#admin a
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gildedskull · 6 years
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its always what i can give you isn’t it
(vv same old same old venting about the same person - nothing new and me still questioning why im friends with them vvvv)
its always what you want and you manipulative little only child piece of shit its always have to go your way and i always have to give you something right
we always have to talk about what you want to talk about we always have to be excited about things you wanna be excited for but as soon as i want to talk about something - fuck as soon as I show only polite recognition in something (recognition you don’t even ever give me for my topics) its suddenly umu okayy, like you fucking whore fuck you for being downsodden and sad like i kicked your fucking puppy as soon as I dont itmeddiately give you what /you/ want
god that fucking “a conversation is a two person” thing just never applies to you I guess
no i dont want to hang out this weekend, cuz you know what it’s putting me out - its me spending my money and mental exhaustion having to tolerate your ass for four fucking days, and you not coughing up a fucking cent
don’t fucking promise “ooo I’ll pay you gas money” “oh ill pay you back” - just don’t say fucking anything in the first place - I most likely wouldn’t care - but the saying you would and wont is a major thing
and dont you dare try to come at me “well you’re playing my video game” bitch do you know how much ‘‘‘debt’‘‘ you’re in with me for me a buying you things and b letting you use things
- AND FUCK. Fucking. Having me check out music and movies when you /never/ ever fucking do it for my recommendations you fucking shitty piece of shit - that’s what started this - they recommended a song and I fucking listened and I’ve been sick and tired of their shit and I give em one of their “okays” and they get all “I’m sorry for being a bother UmU” - when when when /I/ have recommended one (1) playlist that they never ever fucking checked out and they’re hounding me for not listening to theres so they take it to sending me it song by song you fucking piece of shit
-anyways -
“oh its just i haven’t been out it forever and i think its making my depression worse but its fine i’ll be okay i guess im sorry to be a bother :///////” fuck you im literally not doing any of that for you that’s all your own fucking doing - the “idk I think I need to get out” bitch you live on campus, in the city, surrounded by a group of friends that constantly goes out meanwhile my ass is stuck in the fucking woods with nothing to do (which I enjoy not doing) so don’t fucking whine to me that /Im/ stopping you from having a good time
and to go back to the fucking things you want
you never ever ever ever ever ever show any fucking interests in my things
ever
not exaggerating
if i ever say anything you dont ask questions you just move on to a new fucking subject you give a cool and then talk about something else and m8 im not asking for always but goddamn even polite fucking interest is too much for you
no one ever fucking cares about what the fuck im interested in especially fucking you when i /have/ to constantly care about what you’re into - you go on and on and on and on and on about overwatch about fucking this toxic ass game for you and I’ll listen - i won’t say anything bc I know it is actually a toxic thing for you, I want you to quit because how you treat it is a toxic fucking thing man - but I’ll fucking listen and you’ll go on and on and on and on.
but.
as soon.
as I.
talk about anything
it’s “okay”
and very clearly not paying attention
or not even -
just being like “I don’t care” and literally saying “I wasn’t listening”
FUck you.
you hurt me so fucking much
#my post#you make me cry#youre what made me cut#youre the reason i made this blog#i want to send this to you#i want you to know how much you hurt me but no#ill keep it locked inside#locked away in this fucking blog#you make me /hurt/ so much#they always say they're my best friend my bestest friend#and that they love me so much#i think the main reason im still firends is bc i dont like change and i need someone to indulge with my nasty kinky little one shot fics and#thats literally it#they know that im trans and in love with toby stephens and theyre the only person i have to at about that#ive made 0 friends in college (my fault - don't initiate and i wouldn't keep up with texting) and I dont keep in contact with the friends I#I do have - the firends I've had since middle school cuz were still close and again I cant make new ones
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