#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

richpeopleband-blog · 6 years

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Two Days Off (And A Late Tomorrow)

So I just had two days off and it’s 11:56PM. I make my way downstairs to the porch to smoke as I usually do once my roommate who has balcony access thru his room goes to sleep. Im walking down the stairs after losing track of what task I need to do next and I tell myself “success is never looking down”. And then out of nowhere I looked down. Because nothing is going wrong and everything is starting to run smoothly and I have a built-in defense against contentment and happiness. I can go long stretches without looking down and I have a lot going for me because of it, but there’s this one area of life that I don’t look at because of it’s gravity.

Love. I don’t want to think about love because I have no time for love. Or I have no capacity for love. Or I’m afraid of love. Or love is afraid of me. Maybe love doesn’t understand people like me or probably vice versa. I felt love and often feel love today, but romantic love, no. No I haven’t felt a romantic flame in some time. There were two times that I loved(maybe three if I’m counting puppy love{and I should be considering kids are more loving}). There were zero times that my love was beneficial to my existence except in a way that we tell ourselves how it’s a “learning experience” that leads to “growth”, but the only thing I’ve grown closer to is romantic isolation. I don’t even want to shy away, but the level of disqualification I give to potential suitors is intense. I don’t drink or use drugs and I’m not even going to bother being romantic with anyone who abuses either of those things outside of occasional use in moderation. So I’m not going to stroll into a bar and buy someone a drink.

On the other hand I don’t see myself experimenting with dating other addicts in recovery anymore either. I mean at least I’m open to this if it comes up and it’s organic, but I currently don’t see it happening. I won’t get into reasons here, but I will simply say that it is best practice in my experience to not shit where I eat.

Then there’s music friends. The people at shows are either far too young or just as crazy as me and I don’t need double crazy. I wonder how all of my friends who are similarly crazy have normal partners. I look around and say how do you have that going on? That’s great. I think about my cousin Paul who’s in his sixties now and still lives with my Aunt Dottie who is in her late eighties or early nineties. I think about his bedroom and his solitude, and I wonder how he has survived himself and his societal standing so long without hobbies or romance. I think about that face he wears and how loaded his expressions really must be. The broken smile like Santa in A Christmas Story. I look at that lonely tired salty ol’ dog and wonder how it ends for me. I haven’t seen him in many years and maybe his situation has changed, but it hasn’t.

I chilled with my buddy today and he’s been in and out of recovery so many times that I’m running out of hopeful things to tell him when he excuses himself from lunch to throw up in the bathroom. STAND AND WAIT WHEN YOU”RE GOING TO BREAK( I make up dumb ass shit like this and tell it to myself all day). Tell yourself some stupid cliche. I don’t know. Think about waking up dope sick. Think about kicking. Think about your bleached body sewn shut under soft light in a box that your family went broke to acquire just to throw it in the ground like some family pet who got too sick. Only we go out alone in our ideal state of euphoria. Our hearts beat so slow that they forget what they were doing and let go. I wish I was gay so that he couldn’t see that one little difference between us as an open door. If I had a dollar for every thing I told people they couldn’t understand about me when I got clean I’d have enough money to go grocery shopping at whole foods. I want to be unique too, which translates to I want to be alone. Wish granted and then I’m alone again wondering how to get un-alone.

How many times can I possibly strike out with romance? How many times can my guy come back before he can’t come back anymore? What’s the fucking point if I can’t even be loved by a human being who isn’t glaringly defective. I don’t want flawless, I want sensible. I want driven and humorous. I want to feel a light spirit next to me in the night and know that music will sound colorful again and movies will be vibrant again. I want to know that my fantasy in reverse won’t implode until I’m too old to try this thing that society tells me is the backbone of a proper life. a Life worth living. A life worth leaving. Maybe that’s what keeps me holding onto life and bettering myself. Maybe I’m supposed to love and be loved. Maybe my soul won’t let me stop until I’ve hit my head against the wall enough times to just look around and see my part in this comfortable loneliness. Maybe I’m. maybe I. Maybe later. This went on long enough. Maybe far too long. It’s 12:34AM, and I am upside down again.

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bang-me-bangtan-style · 7 years

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FORCED BREAK UP part 2

member: Jhope

other parts: 1 / 2 / ....

Jhope looked at me and I looked at him none of us said anything both of us just looked at each other from across the room. Suga was in the room with us but he was occupied by his other friends. Jhope was among them but he was kind of distant and concentrated, on me that is.

"Jhope are you listening?" Jhopes eyes snapped from mine -the connection lost. I continued to watch the 7 boys who were rowdy at the back of the class -talking and laughing. After that jhope didn’t look my way anymore and I felt empty.

I tired to concentrate on my work but I found it hard doing so. I was too focus on Jhope. But finally I started to do my work only to be interup-

"Yah since when do you sit here?" Min Yoongi my brother was hovering over my table looking down at me. Him looking at a boy student who was sitting next to me. The boy wasn’t paying attention, but yoongi was throwing daggers at him while the poor boy finished up his work.

I wanted to blow up I wanted to scream at him after what he did to me and Jhope's relationshi[p. But I restrained myself from doing so because Jhope was looking my way to see what Suga was up to. He looked uneasy and I now knew why. So I backed down.

"Since today," I said nonchalant. The boy finally looked up and smiled at suga -suga not giving one back. The boy looked confused and suga looked away back to me, to do me in my head some more.

"You usually sit over there he said pointing at the all girls table by the door." He learned his hand on my desk and I looked at him like ...

Truth was I moved so I could get a better view of Jhope. But he didn’t need to know that.

"Well I don’t feel like it anymore," I said looking down at my work.

"Yah y/n! What do you think this is?!" He always got upset when I was ignoring his hidden intentions. we both knew what was going on except the boy sitting next to me. But im pretty sure he was catching on. But I chose to act like I knew what he was saying. That was the kind of shit Yoongi hated.

Suga glared at me some more, but the hole that was burning into me was at the crown of my head as I continued to look down and continued to work. Ignoring him, Finally, he walked away and cursed. Eventually, he started being loud at the back with bangtan and left me alone for the rest of class.

"Yah what happened," Jhope looked around as he leaned up against the locker next to mine.

"Suga happened," I simply said- putting my books in my locker.

"Mmm," jhope said.

"I wouldn’t worry about it to much -he was just being too much today. If he is distracted by other guys being around me I don't think hell suspect you," I said.

"I'm not really worried though," he said reassuring me. "I'm not scared of him. I'm just scared of how it would hurt me and the boys relationships. I'm pretty sure he have them stop talking to me."

"And if he does that and they follow then they aren't your real friends," I said getting upset. Yoongi was my brother but I didn’t like how he treated people when they did things that he didn’t like.

Jhope nonded but stayed quit he looked down. "Let me go before Suga sees me talking to you. Ill call you tonight if I don’t see you after last hour." And he walked off and I nodded him catching it before he completely turned around.

"Who were you talking to?" I shut my locker and I almost lost my life.

Kim tahyung was on the other side of my locker and I held my chest and shut my eyes as I tried to catch my breath. He leaned against the locker next to mine and waiting for me to live again.

"No one," I said annoyed at his presence. All Suga's friends were annoying -even Jhope, but you can't help for who you fall for.

"It was someone," he said. I looked at him and gave him a warning look to leave me alone.

"What's going on?" Suga's voice came up from behind me and when he came into view I shook my head and sighed. Kill me

"y/n here was talking to a boy," I threw daggers at Taehyung and Suga threw daggers at me. Tae looked back amused. He love my brother bothering me. It gave him life. What a fucking sad life.I honestly think it was because he was jealous because he wanted me. But he knows who he has to go through.

"what is it that guy from 6th hour?" The guy I was sitting next to. I rolled my eyes.

"Don’t you have anything better to do?" I said pushing past them both.

"yah MIN y/n " I ignored him and went down the hall.

Taehyung was in my last hour and I decided I was going to give him an ear full.

I waited around the corner for him and when he came I hit him hard in his chest scaring him like he did me earlier. "yah stay the fuck out my business araseo?"

"yah y/n don’t do that, and whatever you say," he laughed.

I was so sick of Suga and his minions I couldn’t live my life properly. All my life I had to deal with this. And that's why I only date in secret I never got caught till jhope and im still wondering how.

Taehyun towered over me and I wanted to physically hurt him but instead I turned around and went in the classroom.

Jimin another one of sugas friends was in here and Taehyung followed me in sitting beside him.Taehyung started whispering and they laughed and then they looked my way.

My face was becoming red, I couldn't see it but I could feel it. I was about to implode and I couldn’t take it. All I wanted was a normal life as a normal girl. Not some robot everyone told what to do. I got it from my brother but to have the rest of crew do it with him was beyond me. I was fine until Jhope told me what happened. After that that was the last straw and I couldn’t see clearly. I only can see red now.

I got myself to calm down by the end of class and taehyung and jimin walked by my desk to go to the teachers desk up front. It boiling my blood. Taehyung kept glancing at me while jimin talked about the assignment I felt like he went up there just to torcher me. Because my desk was right there.

His face stopped being playful and looked at me seriously. He had a look in his eyes that I couldn’t put my finger on but when he looked away it left me feeling some type of way. And I didn’t like it. I really didn’t like it. What did it mean.

"im sorry about today," jhope was apologizing on behalf of my brother. But he didn’t have to do that my brother was the one that needed to do it for today and what he's done to me and Jhope.

"Ugh I'm so sick of him, your friends, you all drive me mad!" I said getting annoyed thinking about it.

We were on the phone it was late and Suga was most likely asleep. I was tired but since I haven't talked to Jhope since what happened I wanted to stay up and get out everything I could. Because who knows when it could be taken away again.

"I know -I'm sorry I'm of no help," again I could hear it in his voice his situation was terrible considering I had a brother who could end his whole life with a snap of a finger if he found out that jhope went against his wishes.

"babe it's okay-"

"you called me babe again," I could practically here him smiling on the other side of the phone.

"you'll always be my babe, you were still my babe when we weren't together, I never stopped caring about you after all these months,"

I knew he was smiling ear to ear knowing he still had my heart all this time but truth was for me it never changed I love him so much that’s why I went through so much pain.

"I never stopped loving you either," he said

"good no matter what happens don't leave me alone."I said

"Don’t worry I won't, even if that means I lose everything I have, but at least I still have you." He said.

"I would have it any other way."

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