So I’m still in the group chat with That Dear Old Friend that I always complain about and I learned through that they’re leaving the state.

I don’t know how I feel. Maybe guilty? I hadn’t talked to them since the end of august, saw them the end of september, and now its Now. I want to be clear,, I didn’t ignore them to test them, this wasn’t a test of our friendship, it was fully me being done with them - but I can’t say I didn’t want more from them. They texted me, multiple times, but they only ever said my name, they didn’t try and like fully *reach* out. And I’m kind of sad by that...I think I’m still in my old ways, of wanting to be their friend even if everything was so fucking toxic,,, and I know what I’m doing is toxic, is bad, and probably hurt them but I was tired of taking the high road. I think really deep down I didn’t want to lose them but this is good, for everyone I think.

I’m sad to see them go as far as leave the state though - I feel guilty because I felt finally fine cutting them off because they got a new support system, they had moved in with a good mutual friend of ours and had a job and everything was finally Okay for them you know. And I feel guilty now because like what if that all fell through? - I don’t know why they’re leaving the state but I don’t think it’s for good reasons. They've fantasized about leaving here eventually but I don’t think they’d leave their roommate and other friends (that aren’t me but are here) right now, they definitely don’t have the money for it or anything. Like I’ve said here before, that they stayed with me for extended periods of time multiple times on separate occasions, so I don’t think they’re moving out for a good reason you know? They’re not leaving because they want but that they have to, and I feel guilty about that.

Frankly I’m surprised they didn’t try and still contact me and ask for a place to stay - and I don’t think I deserve blame if they wanted to or didn’t. They could have called - they never did, and the beauty with fucking texting is that you can say what you need to say or ask without having to get the person’s attention first. If they really wanted to talk to me or help, they could have fully written out a thing besides just saying my name. I shouldn’t feel guilty but I really fucking do and I’m trying to justify everything.

I wish I knew what happened, I wish I knew if they’re moving because they want to or if things went bad. For ease of my mind, I don’t want bad things to happen to them, and I feel like this is partially my fault you know. But I need to understand that I don’t get to, that I cut them off and I have to face the consequences because of that - but I think I’m realizing I didn’t want them to be entirely out of my life. I don’t know! I don’t know truly, I fully think that our relationship was toxic - I didn’t cut them off as a test, but it might’ve fucking turned into one. I wanted better treatment, I wanted an apology, I wanted a sign that they cared about what happened to me and cared enough to do something to keep our friendship but I guess they didn’t. I know I’m making their situation about me (how ironic) but this is a major thing for them to be moving so far across the country, all alone, and I feel I’m to blame. That’s like very egotistical of me, but they didn’t really have anyone yaknow, I thought that they finally did, but I guess I was wrong.

This isn’t about me, and I understand that, but I’m worried about them and feel I did it. I didn’t and don’t want anything bad to happen to them and am worried about that now.

I don’t think I could reach out, I don’t think that’s right after everything, after how I treated them with cutting them off. I don’t think they’d want my help after all that anyways, but I can’t help wanting to do something. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My friends ‘kidnapped’ me to go out and hang with everyone. Not really lots of complaints down below but I do talk about the nothing that happened. This blog’s a fuckin diary okay.

It was nice going out, we went to the city and went to some cool stores but liek,,, I really didn’t have a good time. I was with my other friend, not the 😬 friend, but the mutual friend who i planned to also cut off things off so they weren’t caught in the middle of everything. It was other friend and their sister, and then mutual friend who is 😬 friend’s roommate. It was 😬 friend’s idea and they had slept through the ‘kidnapping’ part of it, missed hanging out in the city for like 4 hours, and then we were only together at their place for like 2 hours, if that.

So. Like. Didn’t have a great time. Like it wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t show me that I was missing out on anything. That I needed friends. For one I was just fucking tired, like for no reason, and I had a headache the entire time. And then we just did nothing which is fine I guess but I felt like I was doing nothing but wasting time. And the thing that like sucks that’s no one’s fault is how long it took do everything, like they kidnapped me, we drove an hour to pickup the roommate, and then spent another hour and a half driving to the location and wasting some time at just generic Target before getting to the cool part of the area (thrift shops, bars, antique shops). And the cool part wasn’t so cool because we just went to the same two shops and everythings expensive as fuck - we did go to a cool place called the rabbit hole and I bought some things but otherwise it just felt like we were wasting time but not in the fun way. The entire time I had a headache, and we didn’t really talk about anything important, and then we got the roommate and she just doesn’t know how to stop talking and like that didn’t make my headache better - like it was so bad I was being sensitive to lights and getting car sick... I didn’t say much bc I didn’t want to ruin people’s time. They did give me some aspirin that didn’t help. I tried downing coffee and an energy drink and I was still so fucking tired, like it most definitely effected the amount of fun I was having but like I don’t know if I felt bad bc no reason or bc I knew I was hanging out with them and didn’t want to.

But like, this entire thing was 😬 Friend’s idea and they didn’t show up. And I wanted to maybe talk to mutual friend about it but felt weird doing it in front of their sister - but even then I didn’t say shit to friend, I told the sister about it!!! And I think I did because I knew she wouldn’t say anything, like she didn’t disapprove or was like shocked or proud or nothing, she just absorbed it which I think was nice. I think I didn’t tell Friend 2 about it bc I knew they’d feel awkward or hurt, or feel like they have to walk on eggshells or smthing idk.

But I told the Sister, and she was cool about it and was even like hey we’ll have a signal when we wanna leave their apartment - we didn’t end up using it but yeah it was still nice of her to be like that. And like I told her when we were in a place where I knew we wouldn’t be alone for long, so like I knew she couldn’t console me. I feel only kinda bad like ‘putting this on her shoulders’ but its really not that major, I said it was a ‘secret’ and I don’t think she’ll tell friend 2, but I’m not bothered if she does. I’d be okay with that and I hope she doesn’t feel bad about keeping it.

At the apartment it felt weird seeing them again. Like they mostly acted like nothing happened, and just berated me saying to care about the people who care about me - and I’m like they don’t fucking care about me but yeah. I was pleasant, I didn’t say anything - I actually didn’t say anything to them at all. They were like bro wtf and again doing the general like hey don’t be a piece of shit and don’t contact people, and I just :I and nodded - fuck I barely made eye contact with them. They hugged me coming and going and it felt bad and wrong. They have no clue how I feel and how hurt I was and am, and I don’t think they’ll ever understand. They updated me on like their family issues  and then was like yeah man you missed out on dnd - I didn’t tell them but again was like bro I don’t give a flying fuck about dnd, I’m done, I fucking quit, you and your friends are too fucking much. I gave them as much of a cold shoulder as I could without making the entire social setting weird. Again. No one noticed anything.

My birthday and halloween are coming up soon and it’s my favorite holiday and it’s friend’s 2 favorite holiday and we always always always throw a party that turns into my birthday party, my birthday is nov 1 - we haven’t talked anything about plans - but I think that’s because previously I invited them over to my sister’s house where we’d watch movies and dress up and drink with their big projector screen. I’m dreading any of them bringing that up. Again they have no fucking clue about anything. And I know my sister knows about what the plan was, about the party that was gonna happen, hell she was just as excited as us, and I don’t want to tell her about what’s going on. I don’t want to have to say yeahhhh, that thing you were excited about cancel it bc im being a bitch baby with my friends and trying to cut them off. And even then, if they try and do their own party and invite me, I don’t think I couldn’t go; like I think they’d find that suspicious as fuck AND try and kidnap me again. I mean Ima try in all my power to not go, but this will be what finally ‘rocks the boat’ I think. Frankly I’m just hoping no one says anything and forgets about it, I was generally the one making the plans for it so fingers crossed.

I thought I could maybe try and stay friends with friend 2 after the outing but they’re sooo much friends with Them and Roommate that I’d have to tolerate spending time with them and I don’t think that’d be fun for anyone. I don’t think I should have to put myself through that, I’m sick of compromising for everyone. I really really like friend 2 and their friendship and want to stay in their life but I don’t want to suffer and I don’t want them to feel bad for being caught in the middle whatsoever. Like I’m sooo tempted to just going back and being friends, but I’m tired. I’ve read my old posts, I remember my feelings and how hurt i’ve been - and I have changed and they’ve changed, but that doesn’t make that time invalid and doesn’t make the most recent shit invalid, like they’ve still be hurting me all this time - I’ve spent years hurting and I’m finally putting my foot down and refusing to be hurt. I don’t want to go back to bending over backwards and taking the high ground, I’m sick of it. It’s been a toxic ass relationship, and I no longer feel ‘guilty’ for not being their friend and confidant, they have roommate now and a home and a place, and other people who love them. They’ll be okay without me and I’ll be better without them.

i feel like im failing in life

and not a mis-perceived failure like oh im not as good as my peers

Keep reading

so i mightve finally finally cut off the “Friend” thats ive fucking bitched and moaned about for forever on here

long fucking post under here. again this blog is more for later me to be fucking bitter apparently lul

its been like three weeks since weve talked talk

Everything has just been so fucking much, I’m majorly Not Okay, someplace I haven’t been in a loonnngg time. I’ve self harmed again.

But yeah. In me feeling like shit, I’ve decided that I just don’t care anymore, that it’s too much effort and I deserve better than how “Friend” has treated me.

I’d stay the catalyst event was when I had Another Mutual Friend over to my house, and we decided hey let’s invite “Friend” over and their new roommate (who has also been a mutual friend for a while) and Like. Written in text it doesn’t seem that major it really doesn’t.

But “Friend” essentially said no, I should just come over - drop everything and drive two hours ((I was trying to get them to uber and pay for it and then drive them back in the morning)) and there was more conversation and “Friend” said, “Oh they just blew us off like always.” - like bitch like bitchhhhh the amount of fucking times you’ve actually blown us off with set fucking plans and now you’re trying to put the fucking blame on me when this was a last minute thing, not preplanned or shit, and I could’ve just not fucking invited you and it all would’ve been fine - you’re gonna insult me like. Like you’re once again gonna be a fucking hypocrite and make me feel bad - when I could’ve just not reached out! Not said anything! Great. Fantastic. Love being friends. There was just something about that that wounded me so much. Maybe cuz it’s the one time I actually asked something of them and they didn’t do it idk. Idk. Idk.

ANYways tho. Not the point I wanted on this post.

I haven’t kept them updated about anything. I’ve started school again, car broke down, and bought a new one and I’ve told them 0 about it. not much, but it’s major for me when we used to talk every single day about the most mundane shit.

It’s been hard. I’ve wanted to. Especially being alone on campus now. I’ve wanted to reach out to them. but yeah. Part of me is wanting them to reach out again - I accidentally started the cutoff when I got really really sad and didn’t talk to anyone for a week. They sent my parents a text after about a week and a half. And then yeah, nothing more 2 week later. Like I’m not saying they ‘should’ reach out again but my selfish stupid ass is like?? that’s it?? you reach out once and that’s it??? like okay I Understand - def reinforcing that I shouldn’t reach out. Definitely reinforcing that we are not “Best Friends” as they said.

- Something that hurts more is that we’re in a group chat right, and they’ve insulted me a couple of times since radio silence. like they said to what I’d consider still fairly new friends for me, they’ve known em maybe 4 yrs by now (internet/xbox friends) - but they just said like, ‘Big gav energy when you just dipped’ and then explaining after first reach out to them what was up with me, ‘He said he just didnt wanna be a person rn So he ghosted everyone for a week :/’ which like again doesn’t seem that fucking bad. But it just twisted the knife more, like they were talking behind my back.

ADDITionally. Sorry lot to update on.

So the Mutual Friend (and the roommate) I was talking about, I’ve decided to drop them too. Like with them (Mutual Friend) I could’ve maybe considered them a best friend. But I’ve decided I’m embracing this toxic piece of shit pile of garbage image that “Friend” has for me. I don’t need friends. I truly like being alone. Is it gonna suck for a bit? Yes. But my friends have never ‘gave’ me anything besides a ‘better’ time going out in public, and literally anything I’ve done with them I can do by myself and probably have a decent time - and I can spend as much time doing it and without wasting any additional money on them. They don’t owe me shit, but in that same vein there should be no reason I’m bending over backwards for them. But yeah. In my Brand New Toxic tm fashion, I’ve decided to just cut off Mutual Friends bc there is no point or reason or kindness in making them ‘choose’ between me and “Friend”. I’ve decided to just make the decision for them, they can have them. Like. They’ve already hung out in the meantime without reaching out to me, so I’ve guess they’ve decided as well.

But yeah.

None of them have no idea about any of my feelings on this, and that’s like Probably Not Great. But I really don’t fucking care. They’ll forget me soon enough and That’s Okay and I’ll only have my fucking parents as ‘friends’ and That’s Okay and I’ll never have anyone again bc I’m too tired and anxious and don’t think it’s worth the time to try and make new friends who will ever understand me again.

Am I being the most dramatic bitch out here. Yes. Do I really at the end of the day care. No. Can I actually feel the “walls building around my heart.” Sadly and dramatically yes. Being extra as fuck. But I am a human being with emotions and have never been treated like so. And I’m tired of that.

pro tip: don’t fuck around with someone who never asks you a single question about yourself.

i want to live a different life

i keep getting frustrated by other people’s wants and needs and rules

like i never get to do anything for my own

for my petty self, transcription word for word:

‘*sigh* gav i wanna tall to you but you never hanve anything you wanna talk about. Like ill say a thing and youre just like sure cool. Conversations are 2 or more people.”

Me, typing out but no sending bc IM AN ABSOLUTELY PUSSY BITCH WHO CAN’T HAVE CONFRONTATION BUT WHOSE ALL PROBLEMS WOULD BE FIXED, “Bc you don’t care what I have to talk about. Yeah you’ve said but that hasn’t stopped you from only talking about what you’re interested in.”

Im.

‘i miss you’

i miss what you provided; i miss you being something i can simply talk off and take and take and take from and thrive from without giving anything in return

‘yell at me’ about what? ‘here’s this topic that only focuses on me/ idk what - how about you ask me things aka i want an excuse to talk about the things i wanna talk about and don’t care what you want to talk about and instead just want someone to listen to what I wanna gush about.’

id wholly prefer you saying that then keeping up pretenses

‘i miss you’

i miss what you provided; i miss you being something i can simply talk off and take and take and take from and thrive from without giving anything in return

‘yell at me’ about what? ‘here’s this topic that only focuses on me/ idk what - how about you ask me things aka i want an excuse to talk about the things i wanna talk about and don’t care what you want to talk about and instead just want someone to listen to what I wanna gush about.’

id wholly prefer you saying that then keeping up pretenses

youre a fucking dick

i wanna take a bath with someone and listen to music

alright so looking back. I can see. That I also didn’t acknowledge their sadness. So. We’re both bitches. BUt. Im including this. bc Im drunk. And don’t really give a fuck. Also I want you to judge me. I crossed out shit homework i gotta do and me wanting to play a videogame bc idk it felt v private but that’s what I typed.

you ask what im up to and ignore everything i say jsut to say what you want to say. why even asking how i am if youre not gonna say anything.

like just preface it with you shit. dont give me i guess ‘hope’ that you’ll actually care about me only to just go on about your own thing - just start out with your own thing.

you ask what im up to and ignore everything i say jsut to say what you want to say. why even asking how i am if youre not gonna say anything.

like just preface it with you shit. dont give me i guess ‘hope’ that you’ll actually care about me only to just go on about your own thing - just start out with your own thing.

it’s weird cuz ill see a boy and be like 😏 hot but then at the same moment i get extremely jealous that they look like That and Better than me

thegoodspite replied to your post ““Friend”: wahhh you don’t ever play with me Me: I just don’t like...”

They aren't respecting your choices

this is a lot of just pure irrational anger right here but thank you. I know I sound like a child but like - it’s over and over again they don’t seem to listen to me. They don’t do it to hurt me for sure but it just hurts when its all the time. They shove my feelings away so much.

“Friend”: wahhh you don’t ever play with me

Me: I just don’t like playing

Them: it makes me sad you don’t play with me bc it’s not the same by myself

Me: well it makes me sad to play it with you

Them: psh whatever

Bich im allowed to have my own fucking feelings, you made something I love to do such a fucking chore - and playing that game puts even more stress on our already stressed relationship. Fuck you im a human being and my feelings are valid not just yours

Coming at me with your fucking whatever fuck you

I’m petty as shit ima put the fucking screen shots in here

makes me seem like the asshole - and i for sure am - but do you know how many fucking attacks this person has fucking caused me with this shit, how much they fucking annoy the fuck out of me with badgering me about it and blaming me and saying they’re the fucking best. All my cutting attacks have been bc of you fuck you, “whatever” you’re not my fucking friend ass hole

this seems like totally blowing shit out of the water - but /do you know how many times i’ve ranted about them doing this same particular thing/???? over and over and over and over again making me bend for them making me the fucking bad guy, there’s always so much fucking build up for this too.