#now he has to cope with the constant need to fight and KILL | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pink-sparkly-witch · 7 months

Text

The One That Got Away - Chapter Eleven

Warnings: angst, language, fluff.

Word Count: 1.6k

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x Female Reader

A/N: I didn’t have a beta for this, so all mistakes are mine.

You can catch up here!

My Masterlist AO3 Ko-Fi

“Are you only here until your father goes, or are you back for good?” Dean asked, and Y/N bit her lip and furrowed her brow.

“It depends,” she finally responded.

“On what?”

“If you and I can be okay,” Y/N said, deciding complete honesty was the best way to handle this, and lifted her eyes to meet his. “I’m not expecting things to go back to how they were, De. Too much time has passed for that, but I’d like us to try to be friends again. But I also need to be completely honest and tell you I never got over you.”

“Y/N…”

“Please, just listen,” she begged, “you read my letter, and you know I had some unhealthy coping methods. I’ve only had one serious relationship since I left, which ended when I turned down his proposal three years ago. He told me that he loved me, but I was emotionally unavailable, and he couldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t love him the way he loved them,” Y/N explained.

“When I finally started dating again after that, I always sabotaged it before it could get serious. That was when I knew I would never let anyone in the way I did you, and I’d never get over you. I understand this is a lot, and I get that you might not feel the same, but if you want to try and be us again, awesome. If you want to try and be friends again, great,” she paused and took a deep breath, licked her lips before speaking again. “But if you don’t want me here… if me being here hurts you, and we can’t fix things between us, I can’t stay because I can’t be this close to you and not be part of your life. It’ll kill me.”

There it was. Everything Y/N needed him to know before they made any decisions on their future. This was where her heart lay, shield and armour down, vulnerability showing as she laid her cards on the table and bared her soul to him.

Now it was his turn.

“Y/N, I…” Dean began, grabbing her hands and smiling softly as her watery eyes found his. “I never stopped loving you. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t. None of them would be you. Not even close. Every day since you left, I have regretted not asking you to stay or coming with you. Even now, having read your letter and knowing it was the best thing for us, I still regret it. I hate that making that decision meant I couldn’t comfort you after the nightmares or stop you from drinking away your pain. The sex thing? Well, I’m just pissed that I missed out on what sounds like it could’ve been some kinky shit!” Dean joked, chuckling as Y/N threw her head back with laughter.

“But,” he continued, “seeing you now, your smile reaching your eyes, the constant pain and sadness in them gone, and the confidence you’ve gained. It makes me realise that as much as I will always hate myself for letting you leave… letting you go… it was the right thing to do because you and I wouldn’t be where we are. You…”

Dean swallowed hard, hating even the thought of what could’ve been. “You would be living your life completely in my shadow, or I would be in prison, and you probably wouldn’t be here at all,” Dean said, wiping away the tears falling down his cheeks.

“I know, Dean,” Y/N smiled sadly. “It broke my heart, and I won’t pretend otherwise, but it was the right thing for us to do. Please forgive yourself for that. I do. We needed to grow on our own. I had to learn to protect myself and not rely on you to fight my battles. I had to learn to take care of myself for once, to put myself first and fix myself. I might have taken the wrong path once or twice, but I righted myself and am incredibly proud of who I’ve become.”

“Seeing you at the hospital and tonight, I love who you’ve become, and I can’t wait to get to know her better. I would be honoured if, once I’m fully healed, you’ll let me take you out to dinner so I can continue to get to know you again,” Dean smiled, anxiously awaiting her response.

“I’d like that,” Y/N smiled bashfully.

“Just so we’re clear, I mean as a date,” Dean grinned.

“A date?” she questioned, “Dean, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am, Princess. I meant it when I said I never stopped loving you. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I wanna get to know you again. Try us again. So… what d’ya say? A fresh start?” Dean grinned at her bashful giggle before she lowered her eyes and looked at him through her lashes. His breath caught in his throat as he was taken back to their teenage years when she looked at him like that often.

“A fresh start would be perfect,” Y/N smiled as Dean’s face broke into a joyous grin.

“But,” she continued, and Dean’s smile faded slightly. “I think this has probably been enough excitement for you on your first night out of the hospital, so I’m gonna go home and let you rest,” Y/N smiled softly.

“Come on, sweetheart! I just got you back,” Dean protested, and she chuckled.

“Dean, you look like you’re gonna fall asleep in your seat!” Y/N reached her hand out to cup his cheek and smiled fondly as he leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

“You’ve got my number now. You can call or text me anytime. I’m heading into four night shifts, so please don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t reply right away.”

Dean nodded in appreciation that she’d thought to tell him that. If he had texted or called her and she didn’t answer, he would overthink everything and convince himself that she’d changed her mind about starting over.

“Alright, you win,” he pulled back reluctantly. “I’ll call you in a few days, and maybe we can arrange that date?” Dean smirked, and she giggled.

“I thought we were waiting for you to be fully healed?” Y/N teased.

“Oh, trust me, sweetheart, I will be,” Dean replied.

“Still cocky, I see,” Y/N smirked and leaned forward, kissing Dean's cheek. Standing from the chair, she put her jacket on and slung her purse over her shoulder.

“No, don’t get up,” she protested as he moved to stand. “I can see myself out.”

“You will not. I’m walking you out,” Dean grunted as he stood, the pain in his chest throbbing after sitting idle for so long. One glance at Y/N had him roll his eyes at the ‘I told you so’ look on her face.

“Look, I was gonna have to get up anyway to lock the door behind you and go to bed. I might as well do it now and make sure you get to your car okay at the same time.” Dean opened the door for her and leaned against it.

“I suppose I can’t argue with that, can I?” Y/N chuckled.

“Nope,” Dean said, popping the p.

“Goodnight, Captain Winchester.”

“Goodnight, Nurse Singer.”

The next few weeks passed in the blink of an eye. To everyone’s surprise, Dean had done what the doctor told him and taken it easy until Dr Clark cleared him to return to work. Bobby had put him on light duties on his first shift back, which he’d hated at first, but about sixteen hours into a twenty-four-hour shift, he was grateful that he had it that little bit easier after being out of the game for four weeks.

Y/N had adjusted to life back in Lawrence well. She was in a good routine with work and had stopped taking as many overtime shifts as she had when she first came back. She filled her days off, reconnecting with family and friends and making plans with the new friends she’d made since her return.

They’d kept in regular contact, texting and calling every day. She’d been to his place a few more times in the past few weeks, always, she insisted, to help him around the house or to make sure he ate a decent home-cooked meal. Dean didn’t complain because he got to spend all this extra time with her.

Y/N’s impromptu visits were filled with remembering the old days and catching up with everything that had been and gone since they’d last seen each other. Their disastrous dating lives had them in tears of laughter, and the stories of her time before therapy had them in tears of despair.

They knew these conversations needed to be had, and if Y/N was honest, she’d much rather they have them before they tried their fresh start. If they waited until they were officially dating before having the difficult conversations and Dean changed his mind about wanting a second chance, wanting her, she knew she wouldn’t survive his rejection.

After several heart-to-heart conversations and everything Y/N had gone through in her first few years in Chicago aired to Dean, the relief she felt that he still wanted to go on a date with her took her by surprise. It made her realise just how much he, and this second chance, truly meant to her.

It was overwhelming because her entire future depended on things working out between them. Y/N meant what she said, if Dean didn’t want her, she couldn’t stay in Lawrence, not even as his friend, because it would kill her. There would always be doors open for her in Chicago, and she knew that, but she was done running.

Next Chapter >>

Tags: @acitygrownwillow @akshi8278 @ashbatz @candy-coated-misery0731 @chriszgirl92 @deans-baby-momma @deans-spinster-witch @deansbbyx @deanwanddamons @duncanhillscoffeecups @foxyjwls007 @giggles1026 @globetrotter28 @hobby27 @hoboal87 @impala67rollingthroughtown @iprobablyshipit91 @jackles010378 @jamerlynn @jc-winchester @k-slla @kazsrm67 @kmc1989 @lacilou @ladysparkles78 @leigh70 @lyarr24 @maliburenee @michecolegate @mrsjenniferwinchester @nancymcl @negans-lucille-tblr @nelachu2423 @octoberclidan @perpetualabsurdity @roseblue373 @sandlee44 @sexyvixen7 @snackles87 @spnbaby-67 @spnwoman @stixnstripesworld @stoneyggirl2 @suckitands33 @synmorite @tristanrosspada-ackles @twinkleinadiamondsky @waters-2567

#the one that got away #firefighter!dean winchester x reader #au dean winchester x reader #tw: child abuse #tw: alcoholism #tw: physical abuse #tw: verbal abuse #firefighter!dean winchester #dean winchester x reader

120 notes · View notes

possessionisamyth · 7 months

Text

Here's some RE Separate Ways analysis that isn't about shipping because I like Ada. I'm happy her DLC actually focuses on her, but some of the takes I'm seeing are Insufferable. Main statements in bold for ease of reading and skipping purposes.

-Wesker and Ada haven't been working together consistently for the past 6 years. This dripless bitch is calling Ada every five minutes to babysit her. I don't think that's the relationship dynamic of someone you're regularly employed under, and when it is, Ada is not the type of character to tolerate that behavior for 6 years. We know Ada is a contract worker. We can understand she's worked for Wesker on and off, but she's a freelance agent period. She must've done enough jobs for Wesker that he feels the need to check on her and have this constant reporting in to make sure she stays on task since he's clearly used to her not always following his orders. He 100% hired her for this assignment because he knew the situation and compared to the other options, she had the highest survival chances. Which, he was right. High risk, high reward.

Sometimes Wesker's babysitting works: Ada holding Luis at gunpoint when he tries to negotiate saving Leon and Ashley. Sometimes he knows when to step away: "Keep your dog." All of it is in the effort to get what he wants. Look, he let her live. He worked with S.T.A.R.S for years and wanted them all dead. If he worked with Ada regularly and she pulled this shit with the amber, he would've had that helicopter blown out of the sky. There's always some restraint with personal distance, especially with a guy who thinks so highly of himself.

-Luis is a drama queen. In the regular game, Luis acts cool and under control to the best of his abilities around Leon and Ashley. It's a part of his newly found hero-complex even though he does still know when to ask for help: "save me prince charming!" In the DLC, we see the real side of Luis. The one who's scared, and dramatic, and knows when he's not shooting with a loaded gun so to speak. When Ada tells him to leave her to fight, he does. He wants to help, but his respect for her abilities sends him fleeing like she orders him to. Also, like every scientist, he has zero self-preservation! He ran into a fire that clearly would kill him to get medicine. And the exchange afterwards? "No! Now you'll all die!" "Make some more medicine." "Oh..yeah...I can do that. I do have that ability."

The flamenco dance. "Are you mad at me???🥺 You're mad at me!😭" This man understands Ada can kill him without blinking, but still can't keep his composure around her. This is such a fun dynamic to explore in fic for expansion stories and "Luis lives" au's. The DLC gives him breaks to freak out and panic, whereas the main game holds the "cool persona" moments after Leon saves him. Even his dying words to Ada. This man is bleeding to death and still can't shut up. I love him.

Okay, that's all I gotta say about the loser men. Now for the star of the DLC. Ada. :)

-Ada "Sans Undertale go into my eyes" Wong. The methods Ada uses in the DLC are fun and appropriate. It's not invasive and in your face unlike another agent, but more subtle. She can track footprints, fingerprints, gauge the safe distance required for her grappling hook, and she knows when she needs to fight and whens he needs to run. Her practicality has always been the cleanest of the entire cast due to her being a spy, but this time we actually get to see this trait utilized through her tools.

-Ada is silly and quips her own jokes to get through it. Something I'm not seeing anyone talk about including the aeon people who are claiming anything they can get, is this specific humor parallel between Leon and Ada in the remake. Both of them have gone through the horrors of Raccoon City. Both of them went right back into very difficult military in function style work which always has a body count. I talked about Leon's humor coping mechanism here [X], but to hear Ada do the same thing? I feel like they went under the radar because they don't sound as stupid as Leon's quips, but they are still so stupid. "Nighty night." "Lights out." "Bring me a real challenge next time." "Now look at the mess you've made." "You think that gun will be enough?" She and Leon even share the same "Next," line!

If I had 80GB to spare on the game, I'd see just how many more I could get out of her. Like, these are dumb as hell. She's found a method to cope with the horrors she's witnessing that just so happens to coincide with Leon's. I'm not saying this as a marker of whatever romance you've tossed them in or even to diss any other romances. What I am saying is that they have a similar type of mental illness resulting from trauma, and they ended up using the exact same coping method despite never seeing each other.

Ada fans who hate Leon! This opens a door for you when it comes to character analysis and how Ada deals with her PTSD and/or depression! Run through it RIGHT NOW!

-Ada's infection pulls a lot more weight than it seems. I've seen some people say Ada's parasite should've been removed the same as Leon's and Ashley's. (Which is an extremely unsubtle argument to get them all in the same room for your shipping nonsense.) However, something I noticed with the DLC were the parallels to the troubles in RE2. The Black Robe/U-3/Pesenta monster is the first time where we get to see Ada dealing with a stalking enemy. Due to RE4 being so much more plot-lined streamed to maintain the flow of gameplay, these events were not allowed to be random, but the narrative purpose remains. Ada gets to have a stalking enemy in her DLC like Claire and Leon did in RE2 with the addition of a hubris check.

The hubris check? Well, Ada has never been infected until this DLC. In the original games, she can step back and watch people die because she doesn't know what it feels like. Now she knows what it feels like. The lack of control. The pain. The slow turning. Her job has had her flirting with death for years, but not in a way she can't fiddle with the odds. A parasite is not something a person can distract with words. The action to steal the amber is backed up via personal experience not just a morality code slapped on. The addition of Wesker's correction to "billions of causalities" means she's included in that number and just cements her incentive to flee. She's not doing this for Leon. She's not doing this for Luis. She's doing this for herself, and if it so happens to help other people then it is what it is. After being on both sides of the coin when it comes to viruses, she can no longer function as entirely impartial to the work she's doing.

-Ada doesn't ask for permission but asks for forgiveness. Don't take this phrasing literally. She doesn't ask Wesker to forgive her. What this means is that she'll do something before asking, and if it upsets people then she'll course correct. Her job is not the kind of job where she needs to take orders for every action she implements which is why Wesker calling every five minutes was annoying as hell. In the OG RE4 she kind of argues with Wesker for Leon to live for "his usefulness", but it's swiftly shut down until it's convenient to Wesker for Leon to live. This forces her to sneak around and betray Wesker multiple times to save Leon secretly, and the concept rightfully gets thrown into the garbage for the remake DLC.

The scene in the bedroom where Wesker tells Ada not to become a liability after taking her blood? Ada doesn't fight to get her shit back. Some people said this was flirting. Wrong. This is Ada seeking forgiveness after the fuck up of passing out in the middle of an active field by letting Wesker walk off with an infection sample. She then makes sure not to fuck up a second time in the same way, and she doesn't. She learns the signs of her parasite so in case she does pass out again, she'll be somewhere much less conspicuous. She listens for the changes in her environment and the feelings in her body and prepares herself for what's next.

-Ada saves Leon and Ashley for Luis' sake. I stated earlier that Ada's action to take the amber was for her own sake but ends up helping others. This is the exact situation going on when Luis talks about getting the suppressant. She needs the suppressant in order to do her job and kill the black robe so she can heal. It just so happens that Leon and Ashley need the suppressant for survival reasons too. They are an afterthought until Luis dies.

We watch Ada question Wesker and his plans all throughout this DLC, and she comes to her own conclusions after her experience working with him. She could've gotten the amber back and let the whole place blow into smithereens like Wesker intended. Who cares about the president's daughter? Who cares about another dead federal agent? Luis did. He cared so much he died for it, and just like that other clown in Raccoon City (aka her), she got emotionally attached. If there was anything she could've done for Luis to make his death mean something, it was this act.

-Ada sells Leon's jacket. This isn't analysis, but I thought this was funny as hell. ACAB! No exceptions! Freeze your tiddies off, Leon! I don't give a shit!

-Ada's new outfit is still better than her old one. It's still not the best they could've given her. I'm also not speaking from a fashion point of view when I say this. In the OG RE4 we see Leon in a jacket which is forcibly removed to show off his pecs to the ladies, but it clearly marks a colder time of year. OG RE4 Ada has arms out, legs out, and tits out because a hoe never gets cold. The sweater dress for the remake re-establishes that it's colder here because even Luis doesn't lose his jacket. Ashley doesn't lose her jacket either until they yoink it off her for ritual reasons. I still hate that the thigh high boots have that heel and would prefer the flats, but that's going to be in the complaint paragraph below.

-Capcom sexism at play once again. I don't give a shit about rigs and motion capture or whatever, her walk cycle was 2 adjustments from being full Bayonetta, and I hate it. The ass shots? Disrespectful. Her heels didn't have to be that high. Never heard of a kitten heel? They exist. The people who worked on RE3 Remake and worked on this DLC sure love to make a woman vomit don't they? Why the fuck was she so clean the entire game? She was being thrown around and tossed in the dirt a lot, but this woman's skin is shinier than a waxed apple. Either she has some wet wipes on hand, or god forbid women get filthy. Absolutely zero reason she shouldn't have been looking as rough as Leon by the time she gets on the helicopter! No reason at all!

That's all they wrote! I love Ada. I loved this DLC, and I loved the dynamics going on here even though I hated every time Wesker was on screen or opened his mouth at all.

As much as I would love to expand this post and go further into the changed Ada and Leon relationship, I frankly hate all the takes I've been seeing so much on either side of the Aeon debate. I hate the ongoing conversation around it so much that I don't know if I want to discuss this at all. The Aeon should've gotten this if not for Luis and Ashley side and the Aeon is dead side going back and forth with each other? All of you put on your clown noses! None of you are looking at this situation objectively to see where the lines cross and where they run alongside each other, and frankly I'm tired! I could clear this whole table off so both of you can get exactly what you want based on what you're not actually interpreting from this media, but I won't! Kill each other!

#resident evil #re #separate ways #separate ways dlc #ada wong #albert wesker #luis serra #luis sera navarro #leon kennedy #re analysis #re4 remake #i wont tag this with ship names cause im nice but i was so tempted to be mean like ada <3

134 notes · View notes

yanderes-galore · 4 months

Note

Genji Shimada yandere alphabet thx!

Of course! Here you go!

Yandere Alphabet - Genji Shimada

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Kidnapping, Manipulation, Stalking, Breaking and entering, Overprotective behavior, Possessive behavior, Marking/Carving mentioned briefly, Murder/Death, Thoughts of murder, Dubious affection, Isolation, Jealousy implied, Forced Relationship.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

For this I will be pulling from current Genji. Genji used to be more selfish and a playboy before his near death experience. Now he is calmer after Zenyatta's teachings and discovering inner peace.

Genji may have bursts where he's intense with his obsession due to his past. However he teaches himself to be patient with his obsession. Especially if you are unwilling at first.

He has learned to take things slow and is patient when giving affection and pursuing his obsession. He starts with gifts and visits, then goes from there depending on how you react.

He is surprisingly methodical compared to his younger self.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Genji has killed before, many times actually. He's capable of getting messy even if he tries to prevent it. If he feels he has to, he'll get messy. Although he isn't all that happy while doing it.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Due to Zenyatta's teachings he's surprisingly patient with you. He's accepted the fact he's a monster in your eyes, especially if he's kidnapped you. He's just a selfish dragon deep down…

But at least he's your selfish dragon.

Genji would not mock you, he cares for you. His younger self may have but not his current self. He is instead patient in an attempt to have you love him.

He's careful when touching you and backs off when you don't reciprocate. There's constant compliments and gifts but it appears he's slowly trying to build your relationship.

He's patient… but there may be a limit to it.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He tries not to, but he may have to in some cases.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Quite a bit. He allows himself to be just vulnerable enough around you. He is capable of being serious, but he also wants to rely on someone else other than himself.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Patient and understanding. He knows you don't like the situation and what he's doing. However, he knows you'll get used to it.

This is a hardship you'll both overcome because he loves you. He just needs to be patient and teach you. He'll be gentle….

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Not a game to him, maybe when he was younger, but not now. He does not enjoy watching you try to leave him.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The kidnapping and seeing him kill. Genji nowadays tries to be patient and caring with you, it's what he's learned. So after the initial taking he tries to make you not seem like a prisoner.

Doesn't mean you enjoy any of it.

Then of course seeing him in the act of murder would traumatize you too. So in a way… the “traditional” yandere acts would be the worst experience with him from what I can think of.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He wants to feel more at peace with you and finally be able to be loved. He wants that with you but understands it will take time. It's something he tries to work towards with you.

He wants you to love him in the end… even if this isn't the right way.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Yes but in the present he can cope with it more. While he was more hot headed when younger, now he silently copes. He tells himself he doesn't need to kill or threaten anyone.

But the idea is very appealing when he can only watch you from afar.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Genji is very caring. He listens to you (for the most part) and acts accordingly. If you wish to be left alone, reluctantly he will. He may not give you freedom but respects your boundaries.

He is quite protective of you, the first part of his obsession is him acting like a guardian to you. Similar to Reaper he watches you from afar at first, except different from Reaper… he may actually become your friend first.

He's very attentive to you and your needs and can't seem to keep his hands off you. He loves your warmth and is very affectionate. Yet he is capable of tuning it down.

Around others and you he is cautious, yet still tries to be respectful. Luckily you have the older version of Genji in love with you.

But it doesn't appear to stop his habits of stalking and obsessing over you.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He starts by stalking. Maybe he stalks you first before meeting you, or maybe he does it after. Genji is capable of both being your friend, maybe even boyfriend, without you knowing what's behind the scenes.

He'd leave gifts at your doorstep and in your house. He'd slip into your house to check in on you while you sleep. He keeps his darker habits under wraps and out of sight.

In person he's like a close friend. He cares for you and holds you close. He's a shoulder to cry on… a genuinely good person…

Until he snaps and decides he can't deal with it anymore.

He wants… needs you to himself, for one reason or another. What pushes him over the edge? You have no clue.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Hard to say, both yes and no. He hides the darker thoughts from everyone, even you. Other than that he's great to be around for everyone.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Isolation, restraints, maybe when he was younger he'd carve his name on your skin. He wants to respect you but won't stand for escape attempts for disobedience.

He doesn't want to hurt you… but maybe a mark or two will show you you're meant to be his. Maybe some isolation and prevention of movement will make you think you need him.

He can be nice to you… for the most part he is… but if you fight him he'll show you he is no push over.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

He tries not to take many but your freedom is the primary one like most yanderes. He wants you to respect each other.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

When he was younger, not very patient. Current Genji is very patient.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

He'd have a hard time with it, he may not move on.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

A little and he may let you go, but he's always following you just out of sight. He's guilty because he snapped… but he still wants you as his own. Always chasing a love he probably can't have.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Childhood and past experiences.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Guilty. He will be patient and comfort you the best he can. Even if you want him to leave, he tries his best before giving you your space.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He's more understanding than most.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Trust and accepting the reason for his behaviors may get him to let you go.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

A little, but he tries not to.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Isn't a worship yandere but feels he needs you to be complete in a way.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Quite a long time. Maybe give him two years?

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Unfortunately, yes. Most likely mentally.

#yandere overwatch #yandere genji #yandere genji shimada

50 notes · View notes

missywritesfor7 · 3 months

Text

❤️‍🩹Lifeline | MYG❤️‍🩹

Synopsis: It’s long been controversial for idols to date, but idols dating each other can be really beautiful or a complete nightmare. When Yoongi's relationship with another idol is discovered, he decides maybe it’s time to break the taboo and show people it’s ok for idols to date. Instead, they find themselves caught in the midst of one media frenzy after another and struggle to keep their relationship as strong as it had been the past 2 years. Yoongi finds a self destructive way to cope, and it causes even more problems than it solves. As they fight for their relationship and their careers, they discover that sometimes, the only way to truly be free is to let go.

Pairing: idol!Yoongi x idol!OC

Warnings: nsfw, alcoholism, cheating, depression, anxiety, Yoongi goes through a bisexy ho phase, Yoongi is also in his alcoholic phase, post-military BTS

Previous chapter | Next chapter | Masterlist

Ch. 7: Drunk

The guys’ time in Vegas has flown by and it’s finally their last night there. Everyone is a little extra nervous because tonight’s show is being streamed live. Nothing has changed with Yoongi. Jin couldn’t convince him to talk to Hyeri. No one could keep him from sneaking drinks. And now they’re all getting ready to go on stage with Yoongi already further out of his mind than any of them realize.

Hyeri hasn’t tried talking to Yoongi since the voicemail she left him. She hasn’t tried sending him messages or anything. Truthfully, she’s been far too depressed to talk to anyone or do anything. She claimed illness so she could give herself a couple of days without having to worry about her schedule. However that just gave her the freedom to be able to watch the guys’ concert online. As much as she knows it’ll hurt to see Yoongi dancing across the stage, likely not thinking anything of her, she still can’t help it. She misses him so bad.

The show starts and the first time the camera cuts to Yoongi’s face, Hyeri’s heart drops. He looks awful. The man up there standing in his place is only a soulless shell and she can tell.

“My Yoongi,” she says with tears rolling down her cheeks. “You’re not ok.”

The entire show she notices everything he does that proves he’s not himself. He’s smiling as the crowd cheers his name, but his eyes are dark and sunken. He jumps around with Jimin to the crowd’s delight, but his movements are stiff and emotionless. The man on the stage is not her Yoongi. She doesn’t know who that man is.

The tightness in her chest only worsens as the show goes on. When Yoongi gives his ending ments he doesn’t even sound like himself. Hyeri is overwhelmed with guilt watching a stranger parading around as the love of her life. She can see what he meant when he said that he’s no longer the person she fell in love with. She doesn’t know who this person is and it’s killing her inside.

Yoongi feels on top of the world. Sure everyone has been watching him closely, but they can’t be everywhere all of the time. The love he feels when he’s on stage is incredible and the buzz he feels from a few hidden drinks has him on a cloud.

Not hearing from Hyeri has been a relief. He doesn’t have constant reminders of her every time he looks at his phone to see another message from her.

So why does he still feel like he needs to be as far away from himself as possible? So far away from himself that he has a few more drinks after the show. When everyone is focused on the maknae line chaos on Weverse Live, Yoongi slips out of his room undetected. It’s his last night in Vegas and he wants to have some fun. He starts with a quick drink at the hotel bar, then heads out to see what catches his eye.

It’s like deja vu. He finds a place. Orders a drink. Then people watches from a table in the back. After a few drinks he heads down to another bar and does the same. His legs barely carry him to the third bar, but he still orders a drink anyway.

Every time he thinks of Hyeri and how for some reason it hurts that she hasn’t contacted him again, he has another drink. He’s determined to not be Yoongi tonight. Yoongi’s emotions are much too strong and he doesn’t want to deal with any of that. He drinks more then stumbles his way out of the bar in search of another.

After the 5th bar he finds himself in another familiar situation. In the back of a stranger’s car getting his dick sucked as Austin while Yoongi is far gone from reality.

She said her name was Mary. Maybe it was Marcia. Something with an M that he won’t remember in the morning. All he knows right now is that her mouth feels better around him than anyone else’s has so far during the tour. When she hums it’s like a million nerves in his body are being hit at once and brings out a deep breathy groan. He’s once again on that cloud and never wants to get off.

It’s a miracle he’s able to make it back to his hotel room unnoticed. He throws himself in the bed and passes out as Austin.

When he wakes he’s Yoongi again and terribly hungover. Again. He doesn’t have much time before they leave for their flight to LA, so he takes some medicine and a quick shower to freshen up a little.

No one knows where Yoongi was last night, and Jin is the only one who knew Yoongi wasn’t in his room. He went by to check on Yoongi, only to discover he wasn’t there. He had to come up with an excuse to get the key to Yoongi’s room from one of their managers so he could make sure Yoongi wasn’t in need of help. To his surprise and disappointment, he saw that Yoongi wasn’t there. He was afraid to say anything so he didn’t. He’s relieved that Yoongi makes it for their flight in the morning, and he decides maybe it’s ok to not say anything this time.

Los Angeles holds a lot of memories for the guys. Yoongi always loves it here. The food, the people, the overall vibes are great. So naturally, he slips back into the same routine. Sneaking drinks during the day and sneaking out to bars at night. For some reason he felt freer and happier in LA, so he got wilder. It no longer matters if he’s angry at himself for thinking about Hyeri, or if he’s actually enjoying himself. It’s all blended together at this point.

Hyeri hasn’t gotten much sleep or food since she watched the concert and saw just how bad Yoongi looked. She blames herself for it all and she isn’t sure how she can fix things between them. He wasn’t himself and she’s been taking it very hard.

She’s skipped out on more of her schedule claiming to still be sick. She’s gotten an outpouring of support and well wishes from fans, but she only wants to hear from Yoongi. That’s the only cure for this sickness.

She continues following the guys tour schedule and browsing socials for anything new. Not that she’s expecting something, but she can’t help her need to see Yoongi any way she can. It’s too bad that now when she sees Yoongi he looks like a stranger.

She can’t eat or sleep, but she can’t talk to him. He wouldn’t answer if she tried. It makes her restless because she wants to do something but she doesn’t know what she could do. So she decides to go for a drive to clear her mind.

Somehow she manages to pull herself out of bed and get in her car at a little after 2 am. She has no destination in mind, she only wants to clear her head. The only problem is that she’s incredibly fatigued from days of little rest and food. She decides it’s best for her to stay close to home, so she simply drives around within a 5 mile radius of home.

On her third lap around the area she begins to struggle to stay awake. She drifts off for a second then is jolted back awake by the sound of her passenger side tires scraping the curb.

“Shit,” she whispers to herself.

She stops at a red light and rubs her eyes. She’ll just make two more turns to go back home. She makes the first turn. The second is a tight one, but she narrowly makes it before the light turns red. All she has to do is continue straight to get back home, but she can’t stop from dozing off once again and is jolted awake from the feeling of her car ramming into the curb and up on the sidewalk. Before she can react her car goes flying into a stoplight pole.

The airbags immediately deploy knocking her head backwards and bouncing it off the headrest. She begins seeing stars and she can’t seem to comprehend what’s going on around her. It’s silent at first. And then it sounds chaotic. Then there’s silence and darkness again. Then another round of chaos surrounding her. She isn’t sure what’s happening anymore, all she knows is that whatever is happening, she’s not in control of any of it.

The three shows in LA came and went just as fast as the shows in Vegas. Yoongi has been getting much more loose these few days and the rest of the group are afraid he may not make it through much more of the tour at this rate. More drinking, more sneaking out, more blowjobs from strangers.

During the final show, Yoongi slipped and fell on his hip. He was already so drunk by then that it didn’t phase him at all. He laughed it off telling the guys and fans that he was ok. After the show he really started to feel it. He went back to his room for a drink but he could still feel the ache in his hip. He had another drink but it still couldn’t ease his discomfort.

When he thought all was clear, he slipped out of his room and went out to a nearby bar. He has a drink and takes a seat trying to leave the pain plaguing his body. He told Hoseok not to run around with the maknaes, but he went and did it himself with the same result.

While he’s drinking and people watching, a woman approaches him. She has a little small talk with him and orders another round of drinks. She tells him her name is Chelsea. Not that it matters to him because he knows he’ll forget in the morning. He, of course, tells her his name is Austin and that this is his last night in town.

They chat a little longer. Then they begin flirting. She offers to take him back to his hotel and he agrees. Yoongi would never, but Austin doesn’t care. He’s so far gone that he doesn’t even notice that he’s limping pretty bad from his fall. When he gets in her car she hands him a piece of gummy candy.

“Here,” she says. “It’ll help you with the pain.” She gestures to his hip.

“What is it?” He asks taking the candy and looking it over through his blurry vision.

“A pain killer,” she winks. “Try it out.”

Without a second thought Yoongi pops the candy in his mouth and chews it up. It’s a sweet strawberry flavor which he feels pairs well with the lingering taste of tequila in his mouth. Chelsea smiles then takes off for the hotel.

By the time they arrive, Yoongi has no idea where he is. The entire ride he felt like he was floating through a wormhole. Everything around him feels unreal.

“What kind of candy was that?” Yoongi manages to ask.

“Only LA’s finest edible,” she smiles. “Doesn’t it make your pain go away?”

“Yeah,” he whispers.

He’s never been high before. He never would have even tried. But he’s not himself. He’s not Yoongi who wouldn’t willingly take something from a stranger and eat it not knowing what it is exactly. He’s Austin who doesn’t care about anything. He’s Austin who once again is locking lips with a stranger.

But then he sees her. In his mind, drunk and high as fuck, he sees her. How dare she sneak into his mind like this. Hyeri hasn’t tried to talk to him since Vegas, why is she on his mind right now? He isn’t sure what to do. Being drunk is one thing, but he’s never experienced being high before. He has no idea how to deal with these effects. All he knows is the sight of Hyeri’s face stained with tears has infiltrated his mind and he needs to make it stop. He sees her face. He feels her pain. It’s like he can physically feel her presence.

“Help,” she says.

“Huh?” Yoongi says taken aback by Hyeri speaking to him suddenly.

“I said do you need help?”

Yoongi has a flash of clarity and remembers he’s in the car with a stranger named Samantha. Or maybe it was Donna. He isn’t sure, but it doesn’t matter.

“Um,” he hesitates trying to regain some sense of coherency.

“Come on,” Chelsea says turning off her car. “What room are you in? I’ll help you get there.”

He thinks he’ll be fine. He can’t share his room number with anyone. He knows where the elevator is, he shouldn’t have a problem getting there.

“728,” he slurs. It’s clear his mind and mouth are not on the same page.

As she helps him to the elevator and they make their way up he starts to think maybe it’s not so bad. She’s just helping him to his room and while he’s mad that he mindlessly gave her his room number, she’s actually a big help right now because he actually would not have made it up on his own. She gets him to his room, helps fish his room key out of his pocket, and she gets him to the bed.

He has no idea what’s happening around him. All he can see is the ceiling spinning above him and the sound of Hyeri’s cries echoing through his head. Why is she on his mind? He hates it, but he’s so intoxicated that he can’t even move. All he can do is lay there and endure the pain of seeing her face and hearing her voice swirl around his mind.

“You’re a fucking mess.”

He agrees. He’s a big fucking mess and it’s because of Hyeri. It’s because he loves her so much it hurts. He’s a weak fool.

“How much do you drink, Austin?”

Hyeri shouldn’t know anything about Austin. Austin should have never existed, but there’s no changing the things he’s already done. He felt she didn’t care about him and his feelings for her so he created the persona of someone that would do all the things Yoongi wouldn’t do. Someone who would live free and do whatever he wants because fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck being vulnerable. Fuck Hyeri.

He loves her so fucking much.

“You’re so fucked up you can’t even get it up.”

If Hyeri ever learned of the things he’s done as Austin he may never be able to forgive himself. Sure, this was his way of revenge. He’s been hurting and he wanted to let go of it all and simply be free. But this isn’t him. This isn’t Yoongi. This is someone else that Hyeri should never know about. Someone he shouldn’t have become in the first place.

“At least this wasn’t a total bust. Good luck with whatever shit you’re going through.”

If she hadn’t hurt him so bad he wouldn’t be so dead set on hurting her back. He’s turned into someone he doesn’t recognize all because he can’t handle the hurt. He wants her to feel that, but at the same time he never wants her to hurt. He would do anything to make sure she doesn’t hurt.

The moment Namjoon wakes up in the morning he rushes straight for Yoongi’s room. He went to check on him last night but he wasn’t there. He didn’t want to cause panic so he was hoping Yoongi would be back in the morning. He got Yoongi’s key from a manager earlier in their stay in LA knowing one of them would probably need it considering Yoongi’s rapidly declining condition.

The good news: Yoongi is in his room. The bad news: it looks like his room has been ransacked.

“Hyung!” Namjoon shouts trying to shake Yoongi awake.

Yoongi groans incoherently. Namjoon looks him over to make sure he doesn’t appear to be hurt. He looks ok physically so Namjoon shakes him again.

“Hyung! Wake up!” Namjoon shouts. “What the hell happened last night?”

Yoongi groans again still stuck in a haze. Before Namjoon can shake him some more, there’s a knock at the door. He checks the peephole then quickly opens the door and pulls Taehyung inside when he realizes it’s not someone else.

“Help me get him to the shower,” Namjoon says grabbing one of Yoongi’s arms.

“What happened?” Taehyung asks taking Yoongi’s other arm while observing the complete mess in the room.

“I don’t know,” Namjoon says removing Yoongi’s shirt.

Yoongi groans again. He can feel himself being undressed but he has no idea what’s actually going on. He’s still drunk and a little high from last night. He doesn’t know it’s only been 4 hours since he passed out. He doesn’t know the edible he had last night was a strong one. Certainly much too strong for a casual marijuana user, which means it’s 10 times stronger for Yoongi who’s never used before in his life.

Namjoon and Taehyung manage to get Yoongi down to his boxers and moved to the shower. They sit him on the floor then look at each other wondering what to do now.

Taehyung came by because he was afraid Yoongi would need supervision once he heard the news. He didn’t expect to come into the scene he was faced with when he arrived. Knowing what he saw when he found Yoongi getting a blow job behind the restaurant, he realized things are much worse than he thought.

“What are you doing here?” Namjoon asks while turning the cold water on in hopes it will wake Yoongi.

“I wanted to check on him after I saw this.” Taehyung pulls out his phone and shows Namjoon an article.

ACTRESS RAINBOW INJURED IN CAR ACCIDENT

The article has very little information, only that Hyeri was in an accident late at night and was taken to the hospital. Details of her condition are unknown but as far as anyone seems to know, she’s still in the hospital being treated.

“Shit,” Namjoon says looking over at Yoongi on the shower floor still in a daze as the water hits every part of his body. “I don’t think he knows anything yet. He looks like he’s been out of it for a while. Do you think…he was drugged?”

Taehyung has another flashback to the restaurant and frowns.

“What?” Namjoon asks noticing his change in expression.

“Hyung,” Taehyung sighs pulling Namjoon to the bed and out of Yoongi’s earshot. “You know that night we were at the restaurant in Vegas and he disappeared for a while?”

Namjoon nods suddenly remembering that Taehyung went to look for him but never said where he was.

“He wasn’t in the bathroom, he was outside,” Taehyung whispers. “He was…someone else was…oh my god,” he pauses having a sudden realization. “What if that was a prostitute?”

“A prosti-what??” Namjoon asks. “What are you talking about??”

“He was behind the restaurant getting his dick sucked!” Taehyung blurts. “Oh my god, hyung what if he got a prostitute??”

“How?” Namjoon looks over his shoulder to see Yoongi’s head still swaying deliriously under the shower water. “How would he suddenly find a prostitute in the back of the restaurant when he was with us the whole time?”

“I don’t know, but I know I saw someone on their knees and hyung was making those…sounds,” he says cringing at the memory.

“Ok…We’ll get you some counseling later,” Namjoon says. “We need to figure out what happened last night first. We have to make sure he makes our flight.”

Taehyung nods and begins looking around the room. Yoongi’s suitcase is wide open and his clothes have been tossed around. It definitely looks like someone was looking for something.

From what Namjoon can tell, none of Yoongi’s recording equipment has been taken. Not even his laptop. That’s a relief until he sees Yoongi’s wallet. Yoongi always has cash on hand when they travel and Namjoon knows for a fact that he had at least $300 leftover after the show last night because Yoongi was asking him what he should do with it on their final night so he wouldn’t have to worry about exchanging it when they head to London.

Namjoon isn’t sure what’s worse, the possibility that Yoongi spent $300 on alcohol in one night, or the thought that someone was in Yoongi’s room and robbed him. The latter seems much more likely when Namjoon notices Yoongi’s Black card missing.

Yoongi doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s freezing. His head is throbbing, his mouth is dry, and he can hardly hear anything. He opens his mouth wide trying to find a way to generate at least a little saliva, but then his mouth fills up with water. He gasps in surprise and inhales a bit of water. He’s immediately thrust back into reality as he starts coughing heavily.

“Hyung!”

Namjoon and Taehyung run to the shower and turn the water off.

“Are you ok?” Namjoon asks patting him on the back as he continues coughing and heaving.

It takes a moment for Yoongi to stop coughing and catch his breath. He finally looks up to realize he’s on the floor of the shower with Namjoon and Taehyung standing over him with deeply worried faces.

“Yeah,” Yoongi coughs out.

“Bullshit,” Namjoon says no longer willing to let any more of Yoongi’s lies pass. “What the fuck happened last night? Where did you go after the show?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi groans. “My head hurts.”

“Yeah no shit,” Namjoon says helping him to his feet.

Taehyung wraps a towel around Yoongi and they help him to the bed. Yoongi lays flat on his back still trying to find his life, but also knowing he really messed up now. He never wanted the members to see him like this.

“Did you have a prostitute in here?” Taehyung asks boldly.

“Huh?” Yoongi mumbles. He thinks a moment trying to figure out what all happened last night. “No…I don’t know who it was. I never know who it is.”

“What??” Namjoon exclaims.

“Names aren’t important.”

“For fucks sake, hyung! Whoever it was robbed you!”

“What??” Yoongi tries to sit up but he can’t.

“Did you spend that cash?”

“No. Not yet.” He actually decided he would use that money to sneak a few bottles of duty free alcohol at the airport so he hadn’t planned to touch it last night.

“Then they took your money and your Black card!”

“Fuck,” Yoongi groans.

“Do you know anything about last night?”

He doesn’t. He knows he went out for drinks. He knows he went to more than one place but he’s not sure which places or how many. He knows he met someone, Lindsay, maybe it was Ruby. He hasn’t a clue.

“Fuck,” he groans again. Suddenly he remembers why his mouth is so dry. “She gave me an edible.”

“What the fuck?” Namjoon is in complete disbelief. “So you got drunk and high? With a stranger whose name you can’t even remember?! Are you fucking crazy?!?”

“Hyung,” Taehyung says softly, choosing to take a different approach. “Hyeri is in the hospital. She got into a car accident.”

“What?!” Yoongi says swiftly sitting up. Hearing those words sobered him up instantly. His heart is racing and he’s too worried to even be mad at himself for how much he still cares for her.

34 notes · View notes

fanfic-lover-girl · 6 months

Text

Future Trunks Deserves Better Ships

So fanfic with Future Trunks is very limited. But here are the pairings that I have read or seen when searching for fics in the past:

Trunks/Past 18

Trunks/Future 18

Trunks/Broly (crackship based on DBZA)

Trunks/Mai (most prominent pairing now due to DBS)

Trunks/Female OC (never read any fics with this)

I have a question: why is Trunks constantly paired with people who are WAY older than him?

Trunks is literally the good boy next door type. I can see him getting on well with a variety of women. And Toriyama or whoever decided to pair him with MAI, a woman who was a gag villain in dragon ball?? At least 18 was a fleshed-out character. My boy Future Trunks deserves better!!! Mai is literally Bulma's age or older! She could be his mom!

Out of all the ships, I think Trunks/Past 18 is the best. The age gap would be lesser compared with future 18 and past 18 has the benefit of not being responsible for Trunks' trauma. I read a fic a few weeks ago called "Butterfly Effect" that had Trunks/past 18 as the main ship and it was so good. The downside is that Krillin does not get with 18 but Krillin got another love interest in that fic and I am not a diehard Krillin/18 shipper so I hardly cared.

Trunks/future 18 is interesting. I read a great fic where the OG Trunks (the one killed by Imperfect Cell) was brought back to life and ended up marrying his future 18. They had a daughter together. I loved the character development which made their enemies to lovers journey feel satisfying. However, the issue with Future 18 being paired with Trunks is that she is half responsible for his suffering. Even if it turns out she was mind-controlled, it was still her. Plus, I have a huge distaste for the dragon balls being used to wipe Earthlings' memories so former villains (like Buu) can walk free. It's disgusting. I think Bulma or Trunks erased people's memories when the androids were dead though. But it was convenient for the ship to take off. Can't start dating 18 if you have people screaming whenever they see her and want her in jail after all. Plus, Future 18 has to be at least 16 years older than him. Ugh.

I like Trunks/Broly as a crackship. Too bad there aren't any serious fics that are completed. The only completed works seem to be porn. Anyway, this ship has issues. First the age gap again. Second, it's not a fruitful ship (pun intended). As the last protector, Trunks needs to train humans to fight and/or have Saiyan hybrid kids to teach to take up the mantle. I think you get my point about why this ship is problematic. As the last full-blooded Saiyan, it would benefit the Earth more for Broly to either meet a human female or another strong alien that could bear him kids. Imagine a hybrid with Broly's potential?! I'm pumped with excitement already as I type this!

If I were to decide the type of girl I would pair with Trunks, I would go with something like this:

A fighter like Videl. Someone with a fiery spirit with a passion to get stronger. Maybe she was traumatized by the androids and her desire to get stronger is a coping mechanism. Or maybe she just likes fighting and heard about the martial arts legends. Anyway, her journey could lead her to Trunks and he becomes her master. Training has always been a duty for Trunks. He's like Gohan in that he does not enjoy fighting. But maybe training this girl/woman could help him find fighting/training enjoyable or fun. Her passion could rub off on him and it encourages him to keep pushing his limits. She could motivate him to be better.

A girl who loves adventure like Bulma. This woman could be an alien and through shenanigans she and Trunks end up on a galaxy adventure together. Trunks has likely never travelled much and grew up in a constant warzone. I think it would be nice for Trunks to go on a fun, low-stakes adventure and meet other alien races. Maybe he could find allies/friends that could help protect Earth. Maybe he finds New Namek on the way. Maybe he finds a master to help him unlock his hybrid potential more. Trunks needs a teacher after all. It would be nice for Trunks to have a relationship with a kind of girl that helps him relax and discover his inner child. Someone he can have fun with.

A girl of service/duty. Kind of like Padme from Star Wars. Someone who understands and can empathize with his burden of protecting the Earth. Maybe she works in a nonprofit or something where she is on the front lines helping people every day. She would have grown up traumatized by the androids and lost loved ones like Trunks did. They can help each other heal as they forge a new family together.

Anyway, I did not intend this to become an essay. I just love Future Trunks and I am so disgusted with his (not) canon pairing. It's like that bastard Toriyama checked his female characters catalogue and dumped Trunks with the first one who was still single. Future Trunks deserved better and DBS will never be canon to me! At least GT left Future Trunks with his happy ending. Screw DBS and screw Mai!

34 notes · View notes

ssstrawberryflowers · 3 hours

Text

ok, so i slept a bit so, about that ultrakill au idea:

it's a modernish au centered around Gabriel as he meanders around Hell after dropping out of uni and burning bridges with his family (the Council and more people from Heaven) after having realized the disappearance of the Father.

The story would probably take place in a variant of Lust, with Minos serving as an old teacher of Gabriel's and ex ruler, ex high superintendent/judge of Hell, now having retired due to the weight of his duties, V1 as Gabriel’s partner and Ferryman as an old friend.

Gabriel cannot bear the consequences of his departure yet has to deal with more issues including his own body, his relationship to his romantic and mostly sex partner V1, his future in terms of studies and what to do in the near and far future, and his self destructive tendencies (cutting and other forms of physical self harm) which are remnants from a rough homelife with the Council and some of his only coping mechanisms with his body and guilt concerning religion and his hypersexual tendencies.

Gabriel himself tries to hide a lot of his suffering under a rather thin veneer of confidence and pompousness, working at a supermarket to pay rent while considering modelling as a life drawing model to make a bit of extra cash after having being asked by a classmate who thought he looked good looking. He's interested in dancing, but is too ashamed of the "temptress" aspect to act upon it. He plays the organ on Sundays as a solace of his and the first thing he bought purely for himself was a small keyboard synthesiser to practice. He was studying law but dropped out due to numerous issues, including his rapidly spiraling mental health, which lead to an attempt on his life which he barely escaped from thanks to Ferryman and Minos, the fact that he didn't choose to study law and thus didn't feel fulfilled and the abuse his family sent his way under the pretens of "we care about you!" (Often misgendering him and demeaning him and his skills and choices) He relies a lot on V1 as an emotional outlet as he feels too much guilt towards Ferryman and Minos for having "abused their kindness and trust". If he talks in rather self agrandizing ways outside he cries a lot when with V1, whom in turn can only return back hugs and sex as it feels too uncomfortable using their voice, eventually using it if needs be.

V1 is Gabriel's partner, and they have now been together for a few months. They met at some point at a gym where they fought eachother, before meeting again the same night at a machine centred party and V1 hooked up with Gabriel seeing his needs, in exchange for blood seeing as he was much more resistant and had way more blood. Basically starting as some sort of friends with benefits before Gabriel actually started feeling romantic feelings towards V1, the more he hung out with them. V1 itself isn't sure of its feelings towards Gabriel, being one of a kind yet created with fighting and killing as a main module in their "mind". They're more of a NEET kind who does odd jobs to pay the bills and pretty much dropped out of college in their second year cause they hated it.

V1 and Gabriel both like music a lot, but neither would want to work in it, V1 because of it's constant need for action and activity and Gabriel seeing it more as a hobby that'd lose its happiness bringer aspect if he did for performance again. He used to play the organ in Heaven's masses as well

Ferryman is an ex high school classmate of Gabriel's, having a huge crush on him before realizing he might never return those feelings Once his own last year of high school came (Ferryman was an underclassman of his). He now has a degree in naval engineering, but they do still love visual arts and literature.

Minos was one of Gabriel's first trustworthy contacts, before he dropped out. He might meet with Gabriel again at some point.

In the end Ferryman and Minos are mostly worried, Ferryman wishing to recreate contact with him and Minos trying to keep a calm front but still wondering what about his family made him this way

Age wise Gabriel would be 26-27 ish, Ferryman 24-25, V1 25-26 and Minos in his mid 60s.

that's pretty much. all of the important info i have i think. i'd like to add more if anyone wants to but yeah. want to make it into a comic because prose is harder for me and i'd have a more difficult time being subtle and stuff so,, yea

#aultrakill #ultrakill au #gabv1el #useless talking #we are silly here woaoauhh #V2 and Mirage don't matter too much in this storywise so they might never appear (and i don't want to shove em in)#sisyphus might tho; as minos' partner or something #rather minor role #idk aa #we yappin :(#might add in some more flower stuff tbh #btw when i create aus i kinda like. want to follow the og story as close as i can in some way #so uhhh. yeah

8 notes · View notes

xxblackgardenxx · 2 years

Text

Laito And Abandonment Issues

There is this behavior I have noticed from Laito, that happens whenever Laito thinks Yui is trying to "escape" him. This is just one thing that makes dating Laito so toxic. He has this constant fear of Yui leaving him and her dying. This is seen with the Daylight CD's and chapters in the games.

(bit of a long read)

Pretty much, his BIG problem with why Yui and him fight is because of this mindset and trauma. Of course this mindset and trauma became a thing because of his horrible mother. With her having a sexual relationship with him and using him. The abandonment issues all started then, he loved her and she only used him, she was not his and this has effected him greatly in relationships. He NEEDS people(men) to know that Yui is his, because in the past his "lover" was not. This can be seen with Kou in MB, when he flaunt the pictures of him and Yui, he NEEDED Kou to know to back off and that Yui was his, and there is nothing he could do about it. This way he is in control, which in most in his life, he was not. (his a petty bitch-I love him).

But I mostly want to talk about his way of "putting Yui in her place" I guess you could say, In Date Fate and Chaos Lineage. Right so in Date Fate, Yui is trying to help Laito by talking to his brothers, so she tricks Laito to make him fall asleep and go to the castle. But Laito being big brain, he knew something was up. He then followed her and was big angry deep voice boy. He believes that Yui wants to get rid of him, that she no longer loves him, or maybe it was a lie from the start. His used to this treatment, and that was his only "love" he has experienced, so of course he is going to have not only abandonment issues but trust issues as well. For "betraying" him, he legit is like "Oh you love me? Then you can never leave my side" Again. That need of staying in control. Well if you tie her up, she cant do anything you don't want her to do.

And we see this again, in Chaos Lineage. Laito getting jealous of Kou and tying Yui up. I believe this time was more, not him scared SHE was going to do anything, but "protecting" her. DF was more out of fear of her leaving him, while CL was more the fear of men taking her away from him. So either way, he is afraid of losing her. Of course people are afraid of losing their lover, but I think it is clear that Laito CANNOT deal with the mere thought of Yui leaving him in a healthy way. This now comes to Daylight. Laito becomes very impulsive under a lot of stress. He holds a lot of emotions, and it is hard to digest when he becomes like this. Everything he was holding back behind that mask comes to light all at once, I cannot think of how awful that must feel like for him.

Under stress, he becomes angry I have noticed, and puts all of his stress and anger onto Yui. He does not know how to cope with this height of stress, he laches out because he does not know, for one, that he acting in that way, two, how to calm it and third, how to catch it before his mind goes wild. Honestly, as I am a person with anxiety, I think he may have it as well. It seems like once he is in a runt, it only gets worse and worse to the point he gets like in Track 4. He realizes reality, he cannot deal with dubbed reality and closes his heart and acts as if he is not hurt. What he does is getting rid of what is hurting him, and plans to kill Yui. (Messed up I know, like what the fuck is up with Laitos routes and CD's and dying? Like omg please stop. LE ending fucked me up :))

This mindset, the mindset of him only able to see the bad, he is only able to see that one day Yui will die and so that means his life will be worthless. This is why he doesn't stop wanting to die, even though finding love. Even though he has found happiness, the world will just not allow him to fully keep this happiness. It is truly a tragedy, as Yui is not able to life forever, he knows this, and acts out. Whenever I am reading Laitos route, I am always thinking of how fucked up he is going to be once Yui is gone. It is truly is tragic.

#dialovers #diabolik lovers laito #laito sakamaki #diabolik lovers fandom #diabolik lovers headcanons #diabolik lovers #headcanons #analysis

222 notes · View notes

0rb0t · 1 year

Text

"my addictions, my narcissism, my IRRATIONAL ATTACHMENTS..." Rick describing toxic traits of himself in Rest and Ricklaxation, season 3

This line, when it first aired, I think made everyone go WAIT, RICK SEES CARING ABOUT MORTY AS TOXIC? WHA so people took Healthy Rick to have sociopathic (what they actually mean: lacking in compassion, connection, empathy) qualities.

Then the season 5 finale happened, and we took this line to mean "irrational" as in, he never would have had a Morty because his family was killed, Beth was killed when she was still a little girl. So, him being attached to Morty, in a way, is irrational.

but I think that's giving way too much intentional thought to a subconscious problem. Toxic Rick is more like... Trauma Rick. Toxic behaviours generally come from trauma or mistreatment, either things that fucked you up in some way, or things that were explained away as "That's how it's always been"

Regardless, the mind comes up with survival strategies to cope, but they're not perfect. You're basically operating under constant fight or flight adrenaline rushes, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE is a threat, and you tend to rip away and isolate over perceived danger or lack of safety. Feeling safe is extremely important to you, but it's also something we seek in others even if it should ultimately come from within.

Healthy Rick isn't lacking in compassion, empathy, connection, etc. He cares a hell of a lot, and if he didn't, he wouldn't have been broken up about the Toxic Versions suffering.

What Healthy Rick didn't have was his codependency on Morty. That's the IRRATIONAL ATTACHMENT part. It's an attachment that is irrational because it is fundamentally destructive for either/both parties. If Rick were to lose Morty, he would self destruct, but his attachment TO Morty is also destructive.

And vice versa! But it's more understandable for Morty to be dependent on his grandpa, someone who is an authority, has more experience, knows about more, is supposed to be a guardian... but Rick isn't a grandpa to Morty, not a proper guardian. instead, Rick breaks all of Morty's boundaries, takes advantage of that naivety, and even seeks to crush it to affirm his own cynical worldview so he doesn't have to change and can act like he's right. And of course a 14 year old boy is going to go "well you know best"

except. As the seasons go on, Rick is able to see how his relationship with Morty is codependent and extremely EXTREMELY bad for both of them. Especially for Morty.

Morty's toxic traits, the things he hates about himself on a subconscious level, are born of trauma sure, but also are things expected of a teenage boy going through puberty. Being indecisive, being anxious, deferring to authority, not having confidence, thinking he's the most cringy and annoying. But these things fall under "toxic" because no one in Morty's family is there to tell him it's okay, not unless they can get something out of it. This is especially evident in the Morty's Mindblowers episode, where the idea of telling Morty that he's loved is seen as a joke or a means to an end. It's incredibly fucking bleak.

In season 5,in the last two episodes, we see Rick trying to finally take responsibility for this codependent stuff... but he does it the same way he handles everything else... but running away. by leaving. Only this time he's doing it from a place of "I'm toxic, I'm hurting this family and you, I need to go" but cutting a person who is codependent off cold-turkey can be extremely detrimental to that person. And we see the lengths Morty is willing to go to try to get Rick to come back, even going as far to age himself up (to guilt him but also to be like LOOK I'M NOT A LITTLE BOY NOW, WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK) and lie about his family's situation... He's doing things that he thinks would impress Rick, in a way. He wants to punish Rick for leaving but also wants him to be impressed. That's their dynamic in a nutshell.

Rick finally does come back, and Morty every says that he's basically codependent and fine with that, and that he'll do anything Rick says as long as he doesn't leave again, and Rick is like OOOKAAAYYY~ and turns him back into the 14 year old boy, back to basics!

Except it's not. Morty finally gets to see what drives Rick, and then he gets the double whammy of finding out what Rick inadvertently helped build, the system that abuses Ricks and Mortys. (It's important to note that while C137 was hunting down Prime, we only saw a Morty ONCE and that was Morticia and she was in the garage with Summer and a Rick. This means that before the Citadel as we now know it, Ricks didn't need Mortys. C137 started THAT, inadvertently, by creating the citadel. We don't know which Rick was the first to get attached to a Morty, but we do know c137 fell into the pattern, too.)

Season 5 ends with the promise that Rick now treats Morty as an equal... but even if it's a step in the right direction, it's also not healthy, because Morty is HIS GRANDSON. It's not that parents shouldn't treat kids as people, it's that the boundaries are eroded here and it's just a Weird Time Overall. Rick and Morty still have this codependency, except Morty has more agency now, and Rick is not as able to handle it because he doesn't want to push Morty away and he doesn't really want to be alone.

So what does he do? He does what he always does! He withdraws to focus on finding Prime, but this time he doesn't blame Morty for his withdrawal either. He doesn't say "YOU'RE SLOWING ME DOWN" and he doesn't make a grandiose gesture about being toxic. He made a robot of himself meant to make Morty happy and hear all the things he needs to hear... he didn't want to drop him cold turkey, but he's also just not sure how to fix the codependency thing. That would likely involve many, many, many sessions with Dr Wong talking to Rick and Morty (which I'd watch if it became a mini series).

Instead he makes the robot, and then disappears back into this hateful space as punishment but also because it's safe. He saw Morty's rebellion as rejection. Morty's thoughts, opinions, feelings actually mean a GREAT DEAL to Rick on a subconscious level, so Morty just going his own way has Rick feeling powerless and foolish. So why not make a version of himself that will be a better friend, a better caretaker? And then see Morty love that version of him more? Even though it wasn't "real"? Rick ruins his own life #78457

But he finally lets Morty in, admits it wasn't fair of him to leave him out or to have yelled at him for it. Brings him into this shit show that's going to be incredibly uncomfortable because it's gonna likely have Rick at his rawest, most viscerally ugly of states because trauma is ugly. And Morty is along for the ride because Rick trusts him enough to be openly vulnerable with him...

... but it's still a form of codependency. It's... healthier than it was, but it's still this irrational attachment that is more self destructive than it is mutually beneficial.

AND THAT'S THE WAAAAAY THE NEWS GOES

#parmeesian #par MEE sian #rick and morty theory #r&m thoughts #rickorty #just in case?#cannot wait to see what new ways harmon is gonna throw incest at us #i condemn my blorbos but i also cherish them #i want more Rick and Jerry episodes #but I also just really want Rick to have a friend that's his age #or around it #Analyze Piss fucking broke me man #HEY WHEN WILL WE SEE DOOFUS AGAIN CAUSE #I'D LOVE TO SEE DOOFUS SEEING RICK AGAIN AFTER S1 AND BEING LIKE 'WOW RICK YOU REALLY HAVE CHANGED'#and maybe c137... sees that as a compliment. something to be proud of. 🥺#long post

21 notes · View notes

aloyxtilda · 2 years

Text

A Love Beyond Space and Time

FANFIC: ALOY/LIS & TILDA

Author: GingerAnne aka @aloyxtilda

Author Notes: Taking place at the end of Horizon Forbidden West, Tilda Returns from the dead in a more enigmatic, “angelic”, youthful form. How is Tilda still alive? What has she done to herself to make it possible? Based off data points I've found across the 2 games and Zenith lore, I decided to write about my theory on how she may return for Horizon 3. Of course, turning it into a fun fan fic due to my love for this mysterious character filled with tons of secrets.

SUMMARY: Taking place at the very end of Horizon Forbidden West. The moment Aloy is forced to defeat Tilda in battle, she struggles to cope with the fact she killed the last person connected to Elizabet and the old ones -- Tilda. Aloy drowns her sorrows in constant machine battles and more bad ale than she can handle. But as our hero tries to calm the machines of a raging Hephaestus, a cloaked, white and gold hooded, mysterious being is found watching Aloy from a distance. Could it possibly be.....

CHAPTER 1 : The Beginning of The End

After the battle with Tilda, Aloy felt this sense of deep regret. Did she do the right thing? Was there any other way this could have ended differently? Why didn't Tilda just let her choose or stay and fight along-side her? The red headed huntress' thoughts raced in circles as she flew upon her sunwing. Aloy took a long ride to clear her head while the others stayed behind to gather anything they could from the space traveler's base.

Sylens poked around for any useful data. While Erend checked a few cabinets in the the desperate hope of discovering Zenith alcohol. Alva was scanning the area, incredibly fascinated with the nano technology within the walls of the structure. But Beta couldn't wait to get out of there. The poor girl sat on the ground with her knees drawn up to her chest. Her traumatized gaze was soon shook when her sister came flying in from above. A look of relief and joy spread over her face.

“Sis!” Beta waved to Aloy. “Thank goodness, I was getting bored. Can we leave now?” She begged.

“Of course we can.” Aloy smiled gently to Beta, hiding her pain. “I just have a few things I need to clear up before I head back to base. Erend just called me on my focus and told me he was packing up." The huntress gently touched her sister's shoulder. "You can go back with him. It'll be alright. I'll meet up.”

“Okay, I'll wait for you there.” Beta replied, a little disappointed that her sister wasn't going back with her.

“Hey!” Erend shouted in excitement. “They got fancy bottles of something here!” He held one up for the gang to see. “Looks like we're celebrating tonight.” He cheered as Sylens gave a light chuckle and shook his head. Beta ran over to Erend as she helped him load up some bags of Zenith salvage.

However, Aloy wasn't feeling any joy to celebrate. Her stomach was in knots and her heart sank deeper with each drop of light fading from the sunset. She walked over to the smoking pod that Tilda's hands continued to lay limp from. She gazed at them in some desperate hope they would move.

“You coming with us?” Sylens interrupted.

“No, I'll catch up with you all soon. I got a few things I want to do first.” She replied, withholding her emotions.

“Very well. See you at the base.” Sylens responded with a gentle tone as the redhead nodded, keeping her face turned away from him. He walked slowly to the exit then stopped and looked back at her. “Aloy” He continued. “Don't let it get you upset. She did try to kidnap you – remember that.”

“I-I know Sylens.” She whispered, doubting he even heard her.

When everyone was finally out of the base, the sun had almost set. The stars began to twinkle beyond the soft, rose colored clouds as Aloy dropped to her knees before Tilda. She punched the ground and let out a long cry. An entire barrel of emotions streamed out of her. Anger for Tilda tossing her life away so foolishly. Anger for trying to kidnap her and force her to leave Earth to a terrible fate. And extreme regret for killing her. Did she have a choice? Aloy questioned her own morals as she sat and mourned Elizabet's ex lover who claimed to love her more than anything in the world. Then why? Why do this if you love someone? None of it made any sense to the brave Nora.

“I don't get it, Tilda. Why? This was such a waste!” Aloy began mumbling to herself as she struggled to get the blonde haired woman free from the pod. “If you were going to give your life, you could have done so helping me!” Her voice rose in frustration. Prying open the shaft and slowly sliding the corpse out, Aloy gasped at the lifeless, beautiful woman in her arms. Her light golden strands slipped through Aloy's fingers as she held Tilda's head. “I wish you just wanted to stay by my side...here – on Earth.” She whispered in Tilda’s ear as tears dropped down her cheek. “I would have given you that second chance.” She fought every nerve in her body not to break down as she laid a soft kiss on the woman’s cold forehead.

Aloy picked up the lifeless Zenith into her arms and carried her to a peaceful spot near the base. The ground was soft and easy for her to dig a grave. The red head couldn't just leave her in that pod to rot. Bad enough her conscious was killing her for taking Tilda’s life. And though she didn't know Tilda long, Aloy felt a deep connection to her. Perhaps because Elizabet was her lover or maybe the way Tilda had so much to offer. Her connection to the old ones. Her beauty? Her intelligence and incredible knowledge. All of it was attractive and inviting. She accepted her into her life so easily. If she had kept her word and didn't lie, they could have done great things together. Aloy thought of all the possibilities Tilda could've had with her. The stories and aid she could've provided in rebuilding Earth. Now gone – forever.

The Nora girl placed Tilda into the grave and said her goodbyes as she covered it with the last bits of dirt. After leaving some flowers on a piece of metal from Specter Prime she used as a tombstone, Aloy was finally ready to head back to base.

***

A couple weeks passed while Sylens worked hard to find any knowledge on what he could about Nemesis. Meanwhile, Hephaestus' creations were getting out of control. They began terrorizing the people of the Forbidden West. Aloy found herself having to help out fellow tribes from rogue machines that got stronger by the day. Gaia was only able to provide knowledge when she could but time felt like it was running out and still nothing on how to take down Nemesis.

Many things challenged our hero's mental state. The dread that Nemesis was on it's way caused deep anxiety in her heart. At times, Tilda's death crept back into her memory, haunting her conscious. Nightmares tormented her each evening. She needed a drink! Bad! A nice ale, maybe even a hot bath at an inn to clear her head. She deserved a break from being a hero for once. Aloy decided to head to Chainescrape. From there, she'd go to the tavern and meet up with her good friend, Petra.

When she arrived it was around dinner. She parked her sunwing on a nearby cliff and glided her way down into town.

“Wow look! It's the savior!” She heard someone shout out. Aloy rolled her eyes.

She made her way to the tavern where the music got louder, the crowd got rowdier and the entire place smelled like bad ale and the flesh of roasted boar. Aloy smiled knowing she was exactly where she needed to be.

“Hey, machine hunter! Over here!” Petra called out and waved down her red headed friend.

“Petra! So good to see you!” Aloy replied with a big smile and a touch of blush in her cheeks.

“Looks like you need a drink.” The inventor laughed and nudged her elbow into Aloy's old injured rib.

“Shit, is it that obvious?” The huntress grinned and chuckled, trying to hide her pain from the nudge.

“Maybe. But don’t worry! The ale is on the house! So drink up!” The inventor slammed a mug in front of the Nora girl.

“Thanks Petra!”

They talked for what seemed hours as Aloy began feeling tipsy and soon very drunk. Petra continued to ask if the Nora was okay but she hid her sorrows well and drank more. However, a person caught her attention. A white hooded, cloaked figure sat in the corner across the tavern, staring at Aloy. The huntress squinted her eyes in the hopes of seeing more details through her blurry sight.

“Hey Petra, who's that?” Aloy subtly tilted her head in the direction of the enigmatic being.

“I have no idea.” She whispered back. “Never seen them around here before. Looks like they traveled from a far away land.”

“Hm. Interesting.”

Aloy eventually got up. Petra offered to help her walk but the stubborn Sobeck refused it. She wished her friend goodnight and stumbled out of the tavern. The air was a bit cool as the stars glimmered beyond the passing clouds. She took in a big deep breath of fresh air and stretched, followed by a long, dramatic yawn.

“I should get to the Inn and call it a night.” She spoke to herself.

When the Nora girl made her way inside, the innkeeper greeted her.

“Ah! The savior of Meridian! Need a room? On the house!”

“N-No reallyyy, thatiss's not necessary – at all.” Aloy slurred. “I-I...I can pay!”

“Don't be ridiculous! It's not everyday you see a true hero walk among us!” They insisted and handed the girl a key.

“Can I-I gett a baath too?” She asked as best she could, struggling to hold herself up.

“Of course! I'll prepare the hot water for you. It’ll take a bit. Just head to your room and I'll assist you shortly.”

“Grr-eatt!” Aloy raised her hand in the air in a silly fist pump. She felt herself getting dizzier by the minute.

***

Aloy took the longest bath she's had in weeks. Letting the warm water heal any wounds, scratches and scrapes from her battles. Her muscles relaxed as her mind cleared of all negativity. This is what she needed more than anything.

The hooded figure came to mind. Who were they? Why were they starring at her in the tavern? Could it have been a member of the Quen? They wore a hooded cloak that was white with gold details. The colors almost resembled Zenith attire but could blend in well with the crowd. The huntress pondered if it could've been an immortal survivor but that made no sense. All the Zeniths were dead. Including one in particular who's face she couldn't remove from her thoughts.

“Tilda...” Aloy lowered her head and dipped herself under the water to drown her tears.

That’s it for now. I plan to write chapter 2 tomorrow. Let me know what you all think. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy it so far.

#tilda van der meer #Aloy x TIlda #Tilda x Aloy #Fanfic #Fan fic #Chapter 1 #A Love Beyond Space and Time #Aloy #Gay Aloy #Elizabet Sobeck #Horizon Forbidden West spoilers #hfw spoilers #hfw tilda #BETA #SYLENS #TILDA

93 notes · View notes

holocene-sims · 2 years

Text

next // previous

may 16, 2021 11:00 a.m. the callahan residence

he slept after all. perhaps not as long as he’d have like, but in the end, he wasn’t counting the hours, so it doesn’t matter. some is better than none, and grant feels marginally less exhausted. though he would be better rested, had he spent the last two hours of his morning snoozing as opposed to laying there wide awake, staring at the ceiling and psyching himself up the out-of-control chronic pain flare that has devoured him the past few days.

nonetheless, he would prefer that nobody notice. he’d rather lie than worry people, grant decides. it’s better not to become a burden–he’s not worth the concern or the coddling. he pretended well enough yesterday. he can do it again and again and again, even though today's pain is far worse than yesterday's.

and today is...well, he cannot move at all without wanting to collapse in a heap and scream into the void.

but grant can do it. he can lie.

besides, admitting to the physical pain inevitably leads back to acknowledging the emotional trigger, and that's not a can of worms he's prepared to crack open just yet.

he, too, can obscure the truth about päivi for as long as he wants to. or needs to.

grant reluctantly opens his eyes to reach for his toothbrush but he flinches the very second light hits his even the corner of his vision. crippling pain shoots though both eyes like a gunshot. he tries again and bears the brunt of the agony, peering through blurry, fuzzy vision into the mirror. his own face is nothing more than a myriad of blended colors without significant distinction–certainly, his vision is miles worse than it was yesterday–but he can see well enough to notice the whites of his eyes slowly being eaten alive by angry red inflammation.

he should have expected this.

“it’s fine, it’s fine,” he murmurs to himself, wincing as tears roll down his cheeks, “you’re not going blind. you haven’t yet, so it’s fine. it’s fine.”

this has only happened three times–well, now four times, he supposes. the eye thing, that is. his immune system exercises remarkable patience with destroying his eyes. he's been lucky so far, he supposes. it could be worse, given that his immune system is not so generous with his spine.

still. his body has destroyed his vision enough. he's not begging for it to worsen permanently again.

“just...relax. it’s fine. it’s fine. it’s fine.” grant sighs. “get yourself together. you’re making this worse. you’re making this worse. just...get it together. you can call the ophthalmologist tomorrow. and then the rheumatologist. because...life.”

he shakes it off and resumes his previous task, committing himself to the should-be elementary chore of brushing his teeth.

everything about his current state of life is ravaging his body and health, and as it is, fighting to keep himself from falling to pieces daily is a delicate balance. it’s always a losing battle against thirty years worth of trauma wearing him down.

but this week, the constant unchecked stress, the unforgiving heartbreak, the lack of sleep, the over-consumption of alcohol…

grant spits out the last of his toothpaste and gives himself another good, long look in the mirror, at least as best he can in his current state. this is mostly his fault. his own failure to cope with stress is killing him slowly, or so he tells himself.

you can’t do this anymore, grant tells himself. she betrayed you, she hurt you, but she’s not evil and you still love her and you’re responsible for yourself. you’re the idiot letting one person rule your life. stop screwing yourself over. you don’t have to destroy yourself. you’re making everything worse. let it go. just let it go.

a terrible pep-talk. his therapist would be pleased that he tried, but it’s a pitiful speech either way.

he wants to stop–god, he wants to stop spiraling–but he doesn’t know how to stop.

he should be past this now. he should be able to cope with the aches and pains of life. he should have escaped the bondage of trauma by now. he’s grown up, gone to therapy day in and day out, accepted and improved greatly on medication, and lived with the consequences and benefits of everything he has ever done. he’s thrown himself head-first into healing and for what?

he keeps staring at himself, desperate to recognize himself–physically, mentally, emotionally–in the heat of the moment. and then in a flash, he feels nothing but bitterness. the feelings are all-consuming but his better nature helplessly struggles against them anyway.

it’s just a setback. take care of yourself, figure things out, and you’ll be okay. you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.

god, he’d give anything just to slip back into a deep sleep, but he promised he’d be ready by noon and he promised he’d join the entire family for lunch today…

he wants to. he wants that more than anything–nothing makes him happier than his family–but it’s overwhelming, it’s all too overwhelming.

it’s all just too much. it’s too much.

it’s too fucking much and he’s ripping apart at the seams.

he’s tried desperately for years–years!–to fight the demons leading him off the edge of this sheer cliff, and somehow he always loses.

this is why päivi cheated on you. this is why your mother hated you. this is why you deserve this agony. they always saw the real you–you’re just a failure, a waste of time, a flaw in the universe’s plan. the universe wasted its materials on you. what a shame. you're a mess...physically, mentally. who would ever love you when this is the best you can be?

#the sims 4 #sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #SWEETIE NO DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN #IT'S THE TRAUMA WE ALL KNOW GRANT IS A SWEETHEART #but also he do be fighting a lot of fires right now #my poor sweet boy just wants to feel useful *sob*#so many people do love him and he knows but sometimes he just cannot remember that #hlcn: everything the stars promised #hlcn: grant #holocene.docx #holocene.png

34 notes · View notes

miistical · 1 year

Text

week two - eastern europe

Here is week two into my ENGL 4430 class. This week was all about Eastern Europe literature. Specifically, I read the stories of two Polish and two Czech authors. Only one author was previously known to me (and we can all guess who based on the list!), but all of the stories this week was worth the time.

This week I read: Tadeusz Borowski's "This Way to the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen" Franz Kafka's "A Hunger Artist" Milan Kundera's "Let the Old Dead Make Room for the Young Dead" Isaac Bashevis-Singer's "Henne Fire"

With the names of this week’s short stories being, well, Like That, it should be no surprise that the main theme of this week is death. Oh, Eastern Europe, you never change! Each story is appropriately despairing, but the bluntness of the capacity humans have for cruelty captured me in the same way some people slow down on the highway to gawk at a car crash.

And, just in case this needed to be said: major content warnings for depictions of murder, genocide, suicide, self harm, antisemitism, and a blanket warning for Kafka being on the list.

The first one I read was Tadeusz Borowski’s “This Way to the Gas, Ladies and Gentlemen”. I hated reading this in the way that only good things can manage. It follows that narration of a man who had been taken prisoner is a concentration camp during the height of World War II, much like Borowski himself had been a prisoner at Auschwitz. The narrator is abrasive, hateful, bigoted, and catastrophically horrified to the point of resorting to anger lest he give in and kill himself to escape the day-to-day torture of his current life. He has constructed a shield to protect himself from the unending transport vehicles that haul countless Jews to the camp (for their valuables) and then to the gas chambers. He says he hates the Jews since he’s at the camp “because of” them, but that’s a lie—who he really hates are the Nazis, but hate isn’t enough in this situation. How do you cope against an enemy that you can’t fight? That has systematically worn you down with efficient brutality? The narrator is pitiful with this in mind and I felt that when he finally throws up at the end, staggering away from the trucks when he can’t keep up the facade he has constructed.

For something less all-consuming, “A Hunger Artist” is more about passive, uninterested cruelty. Franz Kafka (who you most likely knew from his other short story “The Metamorphoses”) has such a great understanding of an intimate kind of horror. The story is about a hunger artist—a man who performs starvation. However, he does not starve merely for the crowd. It is a strange balance between unwanted attention and a craving for recognition The hunger artist, like every other artist, wants his work to be known and appreciated; he wants to be perceived. Sadly, the true horror kicks in when hunger artists become no longer profitable (something the artist himself doesn’t care about, but his manager very much does). It’s a poignant commentary on how every artist is a hunger artist, swearing that they could live on their art until they, just like the artist in the story, dies unknown and forgotten.

The next story is actually a tiny bit kinder. Milan Kundera’s “Let the Old Dead Make Room for the Young Dead” is not as cruel as the name suggests and much more philosophical in nature—a constant in Kundera’s writings. Unlike most other stories, “Let the Old Dead” switches between its two characters, cementing them both as a narrator. Both characters are experiencing many kinds of deaths that are, as the title implies, both young and old, yet there is also a theme of rebirth. The man is going through a midlife crisis and is having trouble accepting the death of his youth, clinging to it as he tries to find comfort in an old (and now aged) ex-lover. He wants to dive into the past by using her body; a thought that disgusts him and me, though for wildly different reasons. In contrast, the woman is wrestling with the idea to let the old dead make room for the young dead. This was said to get through her upset at having her dead husband’s cemetery plot wiped for a new dead person, but she applies it to her as she lives now: her old dead (her youth and sensuality) is going to make way for her young dead. She realizes that she does not need to preserve the image of her in the past when she is alive now and that who she was can always be replaced by who she will be.

Lastly, we have “Henne Fire” by Isaac Bashevis-Singer, a very prominent Jewish author. A very short read, “Henne Fire” is about the life and death of a woman by the same name. She raves all day and night, cursing at people, and is a general nuisance to everyone from the rabbi to the homeless to her own husband and daughters. Eventually, fire starts to follow her wherever she goes until the town finds her immolated in her home. The narrator, a regular towns-person, swears that Henne was either followed by or possessed by a demon that was punishing her for her sins, but I don’t buy that. The story states that Henne has always been like this, yet she still managed to have a family that (for the most part) loved her—and the narrator even recognizes that Henne wasn’t horrible all the time. The story reads as a woman with a severe mental disorder who could not get help; not for a lack of trying, of course, but rather the time period just didn’t have the medical necessities she probably needed. While Henne was obviously not a pleasant person to be around, I can’t help but feel pity for her anyway.

All of the stories this week were good reads! I didn’t exactly care for Kafka’s “A Hunger Artist”, but that’s mainly to do with me just not really liking his style of writing. Death means something different in each story: systemic oppression, the intimacy of acknowledgement, the recognition of creative expression, the progress of time, how life affects people even when we’re gone. It’s good to have these different interpretations of death, as it can mean so many different things depending on how you apply it to your life. Remembering that can be just as important as living it.

#tadeusz borowski #franz kafka #milan kundera #isaac bashevis singer #short stories #eastern european literature #ENGL 4430 #miistical murmurs

4 notes · View notes

just-placebo-estate-things · 9 months

Text

Tag Yourself (Placebo Edition)

Vee:

Pure condensed anxiety

Could kill you but would cry the entire time

Spent his childhood as a bridge troll

Damours:

Said “no” to society

Comes out of the shadows to help you like a mythical guide

Lowkey protective

Caunter:

Pyromaniac

Fidget 100

Crime as a bonding experience

Maynet:

Evil robin hood

“Do Not Perceive Me”

Has mastered the poker face

Ferrieres:

Survives on a steady diet of gossip

Horse Girl™

Collects figurines

Montaigu:

Would sell you to Satan for one corn chip

Sexuality: money

Hates everyone except for like one person

Wissant:

Mom-shaped

Could 360 noscope you no problem

Small body big voice

Tournebut:

Stable interests? I don’t even know her

Gets a crush and immediately regresses to being a flustered schoolgirl

Trying her best

Emory:

GPS implanted directly in brain

Biology nerd

Pigs are good

Margas:

Mad online, mad offline, mad all the time

Oops all repression

Will kill for you without hesitation if he likes you

Fairfax:

Not a fan of nature

Punches extremists

Politely asked the grim reaper to leave him alone and it worked

Montgomery:

God simp

Gullible

Awkward™

Reynauld:

Holy dad

Attempts to be the sensible one

Reliable when not engaging in Rat Behavior

Guyot:

Himbo

Works out to get good at hugging

Doesn’t like fish

Corneilles:

Has just completely given up and is mad about it

Saw god

Brooding as a hobby

Rosebud:

Judging you

Egotism as a coping mechanism

Goes by his nickname only

Gaveston:

Calculated chaos

Supplies the cursed knowledge

Made one (1) mistake years ago and will never forgive himself

Siggy:

Be gay do crimes

Here to make things worse

Dead inside and outside but still kicking somehow

Bertie:

Hopeless romantic

Writing a fix-it fic for life

Probably on an FBI watchlist and not just for her search history

Carnet:

Capitalism

Names everything she comes across

Pestering as a love language

Marches:

Can only express one (1) emotion per lunar cycle

Screwed up so bad that ghosts had to stage an intervention

Reluctant mom friend

Verdun:

Looks like she could kill you and would 100% kill you

Must be the best or she’ll just die

Has a husband but is also married to the grind

Lynom:

In a constant state of “fight me”

Living in denial

Strongk

Dismas:

MVP dad friend

Killed god

Tired but also a chaos enabler

Piquiri:

If looks could kill you’d be dead

Earned 1st place in having trust issues

Bad luck magnet

Corbiere:

Fancy street tricks go brrrrrr

Raccoon energy

Kisses the homies

Venois:

No talk

Hates excessive loud noise

Loves his dog more than he loves most people

Loges:

Is the law

Beware of dog

“I can fix him”

Mauroaurd:

The sane one

Pampers his dog 24/7

Doesn’t like alcohol

Warci:

Does it for the bit

Loves his wife

Is your dad now

Pip:

Personified trauma

Music god

Needs a hug but will also stab you if you get near him

Nesdin:

Catboy

He protecc he attacc

Cannot heely away from the feelies (but he does try)

Marchmain:

Big boy. Buff

The one responsible member in the group project

He forgor :(

Marci:

Riddle Hour Is Every Hour

Everyone’s chill cryptid uncle

Vibing

Merteberge:

Philosophical

Has come to terms with the inevitability of death

Youngest in the group but is somehow the leader

Fontemai:

Did a Leeroy Jenkins once

Physically fought his demons

Funny accent

Noyers:

Grandpa vibes

DIY king

Doesn’t like war

Perci:

Hyper strict

“Get off my lawn!!!”

Job is life

Bosanquet:

Stays up all night reading

Mommy issues

Smarter than you

Montfort:

Is brother

Edgy loner

Art as a coping mechanism

Fribois:

TIME FOR TEA TIME FOR TEA

Token extravert

Cottagecore gay

Lucy:

Gifted kid syndrome

Will kill you if you don’t vaccinate

Necrophilia pog

Malv:

Group baby

Just wants to be taken seriously

Keeps having to watch everyone she loves die

Lilie:

Old(?)

Likes being carried around

Who is she

Bele:

Monsterhecker

Only in charge because she’s the oldest

Had a rebellious phase (and may still be having it)

Ville:

Religion bad

Sweet and shy but will start swinging without hesitation

Listens when you vent

Pasquier:

Will feed all you heckers

Beautiful cinnamon roll to good for this world, too pure

Immediately knows when things are sus

BONUS:

Cheney:

Fuzzy

Firm believer in the power of friendship

Chivalry died with him

Riebou:

Group brain cell

Gives scoldings (affectionate)

Pigs are bad

Odette:

Got tired of waiting for her husband to return from war

Plant whisperer

Do no harm take no crap

Edith:

Daddy issues extraordinaire

Social skills replaced with street smarts

Learning the hard way that life is so painfully complicated

Thelma:

Whore

Milf

Tells you exactly what she thinks

#heiress post #I aint tagging everyone haahhaha #anyway is this meme dead #if it is idc I've had this sitting in my drafts for a long time #heck I've had this around before this sideblog started

1 note · View note

soulmate-game · 3 years

Note

Daughter of wonderwoman au where marinette finds out her mother is actually Diana and somehow it ends up with her meeting/being introduced to the batfam maybe because she has super strength and is seen yeeting some bad guys who tried to mug her... Or something.

“... you are running from your problems, Mari,” Adrien’s exasperated voice reminded his best friend. Again. She ignored him, and he threw his hands up in exasperation. “Look, you don’t have to do anything about it! Nobody would hold it against you if you decided to just, ignore that you found anything out at all. But you need to actually think about what we just found out and decide whether or not you’re gonna do anything—“ he side-stepped a piece of trash that went flying in his direction. “—or if you’re gonna move on and pretend nothing happened.”

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” Marinette shot back, pushing her bangs out of her face and tying her hair back with one hand.

“No, you’re currently hiding away in Gotham to avoid your parents while you beat up every random group of idiots who thinks you’re an easy mark,” he retorted. Another wannabe kidnapper went flying in his direction, making him sigh and side step again. She had thrown that one with only her one free hand, showing just how upset she was. “You’re ignoring everything in your life, which is not what we meant we said you should get a little space.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Marinette dropkicked the last criminal into unconsciousness before stepping back and putting her hands on her hips. She looked over at the now seven passed out men in the alleyway, and the one very frustrated ex-model pinching the bride of his nose. “I think I’m coping just fine.”

“It’s better than being forced to suppress all of your emotions, sure,” Adrien reluctantly agreed. “But not by much. Your angry rampage through Gotham has already attracted more attention,” he raised his hand to point at a nearby rooftop. Several shadows lurked there, looming over the building’s edge. “Which, might I add, is exactly why I told you not to come to Gotham.”

“You’re the one who followed me here,” she shot back before turning to the shadowy figures above them. “Go ahead and come down! But it was self defense, and you can’t arrest or beat me up for defending myself!”

The first figure to drop down straightened your just as quickly, revealing the imposing figure of none other than Batman himself. The little white eyes on his cowl seemed to narrow on their own as he looked down at her.

“That might be true, but I’m sure you know my policy on metas in my city,” he grumbled back at her. He wasn’t necessarily threatening, but he definitely wasn’t welcoming either. With all of his limbs hidden behind the cocoon that was his cape, Marinette would never be able to predict his next move if he did decide to fight. Not that she seemed particularly worried about that as she crossed her arms over her chest and met his glare evenly.

“Oh, do you own this city now? I wasn’t given the memo,” she retorted. “And considering I didn’t even know I was a meta until last week? I think I deserve a little slack. I’m angry and if people think the tiny little girl in pink is an easy kidnapping target, then it’s their fault for making themselves into the perfect practice dummies for me to try out my newly discovered strength on.”

Adrien saw the eyes on Batman’s mask narrow even further. Marinette wasn’t exactly at her most charismatic at the moment, and Adrien didn’t wanna get the both of them into a bad relationship with the experienced superhero who always seemed to know things he shouldn’t know. So he stepped up quickly, getting in between Marinette and the Bat and holding his hands up in a placating gesture.

“Okay, Monsieur Batman,” Adrien started slowly, making sure his posture was impeccable and his smile bright. “She’s telling the truth, even if she’s not... the most tactful about it right now. She just found out some very concerning things about her origin and Gotham is the best place for her to hide from her problems and let loose a little pent up aggression. But— well,” he grimaced. “We didn’t intend to run into you guys, but maybe it’s a good thing we did.”

“How so?” Batman was clearly still incredibly suspicious of the both of them and wasn’t giving an inch. So Marinette rolled her eyes (she was still very moody) and leaned around Adrien so she could get a good look at the monochromatic hero.

“I thank my lucky spots that we ran into you, Batman!” She said monotonously. “Me and Adrien are paw-sitively excited at this opportunity.”

Batman. Froze.

Not only were those two lines the very first lines ever spoken to him by two foreign heroes a few years ago (with a few key words changed to protect identities), but they had become their code phrase for whenever they made calls to one another outside of their costumes. All at once it seemed to hit him— the golden hair and bright green eyes on the boy, the blue-black hair and normally super-focused bluebell eyes on the girl that were currently sporting very uncharacteristic frustration. Their heights. Their builds. All of this info flowed through his mind and compared to the information stored in his memory, and it only took the span of two seconds for everything to click.

Suddenly Batman was at full attention, back straight instead of looming over them and eyebrows clearly raised high under his cowl.

He knew Chat Noir and Ladybug would never take a random vacation to Gotham. Ladybug herself had nearly waxed poetic about how much the city depressed her just from the pictures she saw online. If she had willingly come to visit, it was more than to just blow off some steam.

“Batcave?” He asked, earning a relieved look from Adrien and a moody silence from Marinette.

“Please,” Adrien agreed. “You can probably help us, actually.”

—*—*—*—*—*

Marinette leaned back in the metal debriefing chair, legs up on the table and looking for all the world as the picture of pure teenage rebellion and angst. Coincidentally, Red Hood was in the exact same position in the chair next to her.

Batman and all of his other bats and birds were in the cave with the two off-duty Parisian heroes. Everyone except Adrien and Marinette still had their masks on, since the two Parisians were still not privy to their identities. Yet.

To be fair, the bats hadn’t known the identities of the two miraculous users either before today.

“Cha Noir,” Batman started, only to get a head shake from the blond boy.

“Just call me Adrien. Chat’s out of the bag—“ he ignored the groans at the pun and soldiered on, “—so might as well use my real name.”

Batman nodded. “Adrien, then,” he amended. “Why are you and Ladybug really in Gotham?”

Adrien sighed. “I wasn’t lying, before. Marinette,” he gestured to his hero partner. “Just found out some distressing family news. Since HawkMoth is gone, she doesn’t need to repress her negative emotions anymore. But she also didn’t want to be around her parents while she processed everything. I told her to choose any other city— really, I begged— but she insisted on coming to Gotham.”

“The never ending cloud cover and constant rain seem thematic,” she finally spoke up, reaching into her big over-the-shoulder bag and pulling out a large envelope. She threw it to Batman, making the thin package slice through the air like a knife. To nobody’s surprise the seasoned hero easily caught the projectile between two fingers. He looked at the envelope and back to Marinette, silent questions floating in the air between them. Marinette decided to answer at her own pace.

“That’s what we found out. You see, one of my friends is a huge science nerd. A genius. And he wanted to compare DNA samples between us to see if there were any genetic components that determined a person’s suitability towards certain Miraculous or other magical artifacts over others. It was supposed to just be a fun side project that he didn’t expect any breakthroughs on. He mostly just wanted to satisfy his own curiosity. But instead of finding out if our DNA was linked to the miraculous, he found out that my parents are not biologically my parents.”

“Hence the whole just finding out that you’re a meta thing, right?” Nightwing spoke up, fully invested in the story. “Did they never say you were adopted before?”

“It’s not in the system,” she replied easily. “My parents have all the documentation to prove that I’m their biological child, except I’m not. When I confronted them about it, they caved and admitted that they had adopted me in secret and covered it up. Apparently a friend of theirs was involved in something illegal, and,” she waved at the envelope that Batman was now opening. “The details of what we were able to dig up are in there. The summary is this; their friend was part of a secret, illegal experimentation to create clones that could defeat the Justice League—“ the air seemed to get sucked out of the room as soon as those words left Marinette’s mouth. Everyone seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. “—a group called CADMUS. They made me, as apparently one of their early attempts. But I didn’t exhibit any of the powers they were looking for, or any meta traits at all, and my body refused to mature at the rate they wanted. They had no use for a seemingly normal human baby that they managed to clone, so they were preparing to kill me and start over. That’s when my parent’s friend stole me, not wanting to kill an infant, and begged my parents to take me in and pretend I was theirs. Low and behold, it turns out that my DNA just needed a very specific series of emotions to unlock it’s latent abilities.”

“Those emotions being..?” Red hood trailed off, earning a wolfish smile from Marinette.

“Intense anger, betrayal, and confused frustration closely followed by the desire to punch other people’s faces in.”

“That last one is just an assumption,” Adrien chimed in. “And maybe not accurate. But the first three, our scientist friend was able to confirm. The rapid experience of a lot of negative but action-oriented emotions released whatever had been holding back the powers in her DNA from expressing themselves,” he had switched to French so that he could explain everything exactly as Max had told it to them, but he knew all of them were fluent anyway so it was fine. They nodded along, processing the information.

The crinkling of paper drew everyone’s attention back to Batman, who had been flipping through the detailed break down of everything they had found about Marinette’s situation and how she was made by CADMUS.

“Uh,” Red Robin nervously spoke up. “What’s up, Batman?”

“Your genetic donors...” Batman breathed, getting a wink and finger guns from Marinette.

“Yup. Isn’t that just the most fucked up thing you’ve ever seen? They were clearly trying to make someone who could destroy the world.”

“That makes me nervous,” Nightwing admitted, getting up and going to get a look at the papers himself. “It can’t be that ba—“

When even Nightwing was left agape, everyone else who wasn’t in on it found themselves squirming.

“Just tell the rest of us, already!” Robin demanded after the silence stretched just a bit too long.

“The unknowing genetic donors that CADMUS used to make me,” Marinette spoke up, still with her legs up on the table. “Are a very mad-scientist’s-wet-dream combination of Lex Luthor, Bruce Wayne, and Wonder Woman.”

“We don’t even know why they added Bruce Wayne’s DNA,” Adrien admitted. “Although our scientist friend thinks it’s because of physique. His hypothesis is that, in order to support the genes of Wonder Woman, they had to add male genetics that could support the production of a very high muscle mass and would lean towards easy development of a very athletic body. Lex might be evil-scientist smart, but he’s a string bean. But if he added the DNA of another multi millionaire who just so happens to maintain a ridiculously fit body without putting any obvious work into it,” Adrien shrugged. “Then maybe the clone would be able to support Wonder Woman’s genetics and that of two human donors without falling apart.”

“So I’m ‘the clone’ now, huh?” Marinette snarked, earning an exasperated eye roll from her friend.

Batman just stared at the both of them for a moment. He walked away without a word, and came back with a fresh needle and a box. He placed it on the debriefing table.

“Can I do a paternity test myself?” He asked, his voice suspiciously less gruff than normal. “I trust the both of you, but I rather be safe than sorry with something like this.”

The both of them just stared at him in confusion. They traded a glance, and finally Marinette shrugged and moved to sit in her chair properly. Her shirt was already short sleeved, so she just held her arm out so Batman could easily get a blood sample.

“Sure, why not. But do you just have Lex Luthor or Bruce Wayne’s DNA sitting around to compare, or—“ she shut up when she watched Batman take off his glove and roll his own sleeve up. Realization slowly sunk in as he asked Nightwing to take a blood sample from him.

“Holy shit,” she breathed, eyes wide. “You’re— and Luthor doesn’t know— holy shit this is even worse than I thought,” Marinette rambled, not even noticing as Red Hood moved forward and took a small blood sample from her.

Adrien put a hand over his face and just laughed for a moment hysterically. “Oh my god,” he looked over at Marinette. “You could take over the world.”

“I have the blood of Batman AND Wonder Woman on MY side,” Marinette joked back, also hysterical.

When the bat’s high tech equipment was able to come back with a positive result only a few minutes later, Marinette and Adrien had to sit on the floor and just let it all sink in. Which Batman did not at all help by immediately unmasking himself and trying to make a proper introduction.

“I wanna go beat up random thugs again,” Marinette whined, pulling at her hair. “I’ll put on a mask, whatever, but just please let me punch people. I need to punch people right now.”

#maribat #ml x dc #mlb x dc #soulmate-game #dc x miraculous #dc x mlb #bio!mom Wonder Woman #Bio!mom Diana prince #bio!dad Bruce Wayne #Bio!dad Batman #idk what this is #but it happened #and it’s something

1K notes · View notes

linkspooky · 4 years

Text

What Eren Wants

After all the mystery surrounding Eren’s true intentions, what Eren really wants in the final arc, this chapter lays it out quite clearly. Eren wants his friends to kill him. Not because he thinks it’s going to achieve some grand objective in a secret plan he’s had all along that requires he sacrifice his own life. I think Eren just wants to die. Suicidal ideation, is a symptom of a much bigger underlying problem, it’s a passive longing to die. More on this, and more on Eren under the cut.

1. No Future

Eren is committing metaphorical suicide in his final act with the rumbling. It’s a pretty thinly veiled metaphor too, considering Eren just tells his friends that they have to kill him. Consider the two characters who Eren is paralleled against the most with this arc: Zeke and Reiner.

Zeke’s wish has always been the opposite of Eren’s. Eren believes he was free because he was born in this world. Zeke, who was born as a part of some great plan, not as a child to be loved, but a child to be made into a soldier a tool for his parents wishes he wasn’t born. He thinks all suffering can be avoiding if only he never existed in the first place.

This wish, to stop existing, because it’s the only way to end suffering is plain and simple suicidal ideation. Xander even tells Zeke as much when recounting the story of his family, that he became a warrior candidate because he wanted to die in the worst way possible.

Consider Zeke’s view of his own life. HIs family never loved him. He was born without love, therefore there’s no love in his life, and no future. Not only is there no future for him, but there’s no future for all Eldians in general. From that point forward what Zeke seeks is not to heal, but rather to alleviate pain. They’re the thoughts of a suicidal person.

Reiner who is compared to Eren endlessly, who committed the same sin that Eren did, deciding to knock down the walls and destroy everybody inside is shown with this same hopelessness in regards to his own life.

Once again there’s the repettition for the wish for it all to end. Reiner who is a child soldier just like Eren. Reiner who once believed he was doing something good, that he was fighting for a cause. Reiner’s wish to die is even more thinly veiled then Eren’s.

In this scene Reiner is exposed to Eren’s desire to be like him and Mikasa, to be someone he perceives as strong, and also his fear deep down that he’s going to die a worthless death. He’s going to die having achieved nothing. This is important for later, because Eren’s suicide isn’t just killing himself, he’s also staging it so he’s dying for a cause, for an idea like freedom, he’s trying desperately to give his death meaning.

Reiner tells Eren that the only thing the both of them can do is to keep moving forward. However, what Eren and Reiner do is they continually throw themselves into more conflict again and again, unnecessary conflicts. That’s why this is paralleled with what happened to Marco because, Marco tried to give them a chance to talk things out but Reiner made it a fight.

Reiner and Eren’s tendency to throw themselves into conflict again and again is, self-harming behavior. They’re intentionally risking their lives because it’s the only way they can try to find meaning in their lives and try to fight against their own feelings of worthlessness.

They are trying to prove something to themselves by putting their lives on the line, they are trying to find meaning in the conflict that has dominated their entire lives (remember they are child soldiers, they were raised not by parents, but by the war around them and it’s practically all they know by this point). Reiner and Eren’s dream to destroy the devils of Paradis, to Eliminate all the Titans has always, always, been paralleled with their wish to die.

Immediately after he says this it cuts to Reiner with a gun in his mouth. It’s not really subtle imagery. Eren also says, something incredibly similiar to Reiner’s series of flashbacks here.

Eren says to Falco there are those like him and Reiner who choose to throw themselves into hell again and again, because they’re hoping to get something out of it. This is willfully self-harming, self-endangering behavior, Eren and Reiner throw themselves into conflict again, and again, and again hoping to try to get some meaning out of that conflict but they won’t because war is hell bla bla bla.

Falco even repeats the line that Eren said to Reiner, because that’s what Eren believes deep down, and what Eren is desperately trying to avoid, that he is weak, that he is powerless, that there is no hope for someone like him. Better to sacrifice his life for some cause, then die a worthless death. And like I said, these feelings have been inside Eren for a long time he even casually thinks about it before kissing HIstoria’s hand. He even begged Historia to kill him in the Uprising Arc. Eren and Reiner have been fighting against these feelings for a long time, and eventually, they grew tired of the fighting.

2. Child Soldiers

The diffference between Reiner and Eren, is Reiner is still able to see some kind of future that Eren himself has given up on.

Falco is what stops Reiner’s suicide. The idea that Falco still needs him. Reiner, Zeke, Eren, the three of them are all child soldiers who need to grow up, but find themselves unable to because they’ve been raised by war not family. Eren’s reckless regard for the lives of children is meant to be compared to Reiner’s protectiveness over Falco and Gabi.

Eren’s suicidal feelings are always connected towards this reckless violence towards children because, for the same reason as Zeke ends up gravitating towards euthenasia, neither Eren nor Zeke can even imagine any kind of future for themselves.

Eren’s fear has always been that he hasn’t grown up. That not a single thing has changed since the day his mother died. That deep down he’s still that useless brat that watched her die. That’s how Eren perceives himself, a child, a brat, that’s how he always has.

We never really saw him get over this self perception either, at best he’s been made aware of this. When Hanji sees Eren acting out, they make constant jokes about Eren just being in his rebellious phase and growing up.

Floch even says, deep down inside, Eren believes he’s always right, therefore he doens’t really ever change his beliefs or give them up when he’s challenged. He acts like an unreasonable child. IE. Someone who cannot be reasoned with.

He even calls Mikasa the grown up for being able to let go and change her beliefs. It makes sense that Eren is this way, he’s been coping terribly with the loss of everything, and constant insecurity since childhood. Child soldiers are, stunted and not well adjusted. None of the characters are in the story, a lot of them still cling onto ideas they’ve held since childhood. Armin still sees himself as the weak one even though he currently has the storngest titan, and is in a position of power and responsibility in the army. Mikasa still sees herself as needing Eren to come home, and needing Eren to be there to have a family even though she’s always been stronger than him. Even though she’s capable of moving on. Annie still wants to run away back to her father, because that’s what he told her to do when he was a little girl.

This is a story where all of the characters are child soldiers struggling to grow up. Even Erwin himself, clings to the dream his father gave him when he was a child. This is the how much the military, and the continual conflict has destroyed the lives of the children it eats up. That’s what Magath realizes in the end, that they were all just normal children, before he got his hands on them.

Eren is just, the worst of this. IN a story where they are all struggling to grow, Eren has given up. Which is why we see both him and Ymir pictured now as eternal children.

Eren is stunted, not only that he’s given up on the possibility that he might ever be better. It’s the way he refers to his own life now. This was always going to happen. He was just born this way. Eren remembers the scene where he gave Mikasa the strength to live, but he only remembers the fighting, only remembers the cruelty where he killed two men in order to save a little girl, and insists that it’s always going to be this way the only way he can keep going is to kill and struggle and kill some more.

3. Live

Eren has all but forgotten the moment where he wrapped the scarf around Mikasa’s face, because the true importance of that scene is now lost on him. What he gave Mikasa was not a reason to fight, but a reason to live. It’s not something Eren gave her by picking up a weapon or telling her to fight, but by being by her side all this time.

Eren who only sees the fighting and not the future after forgets what he was trying to do in that moment, which was save a little girl’s life and tell her to live.

Eren thinks what got Mikasa attached to him was the violence he showed in that moment, the fact that he killed her captors, and not the comfort he showed her afterwards, not the home, because Eren ever since his mother died cannot move past that fact and believes there’s no home in this world for him, no family for a boy who cannot even protect his own mother.

The world is cruel for making them fight to survive, but it’s not just cruel. That’s the idea that Mikasa has always represented. If Falco and Gabi are the children that Reiner protects because they are his last connection to the wrold, then Mikasa is Eren’s most important connection. She represents his desire to do more than just fight, to live in a world th’at scruel, to live together with her.

And Eren is doing his best to turn his back away from her.

Mikasa remembers the connection of that moment, and Eren only remembers the violence, Mikasa a little girl brutally killing two of her captors. Of course they both remember it wrong, Mikasa ignored Eren’s violence and only saw his kindness. Which led her to become codependent on that connection for so long like it was the only one that existed for her, like she could not connect to anybody besides Eren because he was kind to her in that moment. Whereas, Eren has always seen Mikasa’s strength as a barrier to their relationship. He has a complex about Mikasa, she’s stronger than him, when she tries to get close to him and protect him he sees that as her looking down on him.

Eren can’t possibly see why Mikasa would want to be with somebody as weak as him, because he just doesn’t see what’s so lovably about himself. Eren only sees violence, MIkasa only sees love, and because of that they both can’t see each other.

This chapter, it’s Armin who does most of the pleading, but Mikasa is literally always in the center of the frame. She puts her desire most simply. Eren doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to choose death. They could still have a life together.

What Mikasa wants is to live. That’s what her arc has always been about, a little girl who wants to live on in a world that’s cruel. She also wants to be what Eren was to her so long ago. She wants to tell him he can live.

Mikasa is the first one to run to Eren. She’s the one who flashes back to the child Eren because she’s the one who knows him the longest.

When Reiner says that Eren is probably wants it all to end by someone else’s hand. It’s Mikasa who the focus suddenly falls on.

Mikasa will always be Eren’s strongest connection to his own lifeline, his desire to live together and have a future with her, represented by the red scarf wrapped around both of their necks.

When Eren was about to give up on living, Mikasa reminded him that just him being there next to her side all that time was enough for her.

The promise to wrap the scarf around her neck, is simply a process to live with her.

But, Eren doesn’t want that anymore. He just wants to die.

#aot 133 #snk 133 #aot 133 spoilers #snk 133 spoilers #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan meta #shingeki no kyojin meta #eren jaeger #eremika #zeke jaeger #reiner braun #mikasa ackerman #aot meta

3K notes · View notes

helioleti · 3 years

Text

I've been rewatching ATLA several times lately and this time I especially ended up wondering a lot about Iroh and Ozai's past and characters in general. I just can't help but think it weird that Ozai is the ultimate trashbag of a humanbeing while Iroh ended up preaching harmony and peace. It just doesn't make any sense. These guys are brothers. They were brought up by the same parents, in the same fascist imperialistic nation, they were taught the same values growing up. You're trying to tell me the difference is that Iroh was destined to be the person he eventually came to be, but Ozai was just born evil? No, I don't think so.

I have two hot takes that I'm gonna elaborate:

1. Iroh had a guidance Ozai lacked

2. Ozai was the less favored son

(Disclaimer: I haven't read the comics yet so I don't know how deep they've already gone into this subject at some point. I'm trying to interpret and analyze the stuff that I got from the animated series only. If anything I say contradicts what has already been confirmed in the comics, feel free to correct me.)

Hear me out. Iroh wasn't born a saint. Everyone is aware of this, especially Iroh himself. He laid siege to Ba Sing Se for 2 years, costing the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom thousands of lives. Everyone knew that if the Fire Nation took over the capital, it meant almost ultimate victory for the Fire Nation. He even went as far as making a offhand sadistic jokes about burning the city to the ground in that letter to Zuko and Azula.

Iroh acknowledges it himself; He was a different man.

So what changed?

Yes, his son died. It broke and shattered him from the inside, making him drop all efforts to continue fighting in the war. To continue what had been his lifelong ambition, what he believed to be his destiny. He had a literal vision about taking over Ba Sing Se when he was a child, and that had been what he'd been pursuing ever since. But the death of his son managed to crumble all of that into nothingness. How is that possible?

Don't get me wrong. I think it's completely valid. I just don't understand how Lu Ten and Iroh could've had such a loving and caring relationship in the first place, when that's clearly something unusual among the royal family. Ozai burned and banished Zuko without a second thought, not to mention all the other shit he did to him growing up. Ozai didn't give two shits about Azula either, he only ever intended to use her as his weapon. Doesn't seem too surprising, if you ask me. Azulon didn't hesitate to demand that Ozai kill his own son if he wanted the throne. That's the man that raised Ozai, so it's just logical that Ozai learned that behavior and those values from his own father.

Even 9 year old Azula thinks it laughable that Iroh would fall apart at the death of his son. She is a child and this is how she thinks. The reason Zuko doesn't think like this is because he's had the guidance of his mother, unlike Azula. This is the kind of mentality these kids grow up with. They grew up with war and so did Iroh and Ozai.

So why was Iroh's relationship with Lu Ten so different? Where did Iroh experience the kind of compassion and love he passed on to his own son, that Ozai definitely didn't? People act on how they've come to learn, so where did Iroh learn to care about his son to a point that it made him give up on his lifelong ambition?

Let's review a very crucial information we have on Iroh and Ozai as siblings: They have a huge age gap.

Frankly, I'm guessing about 10-20 years. Looks more like 20 to me, but that could also be Iroh's greater amount of endured pain and war making him look older than he actually is. But no one can deny that an age gap is definitely there. Which can also indicate they had different upbringings, despite having grown up in the same family as brothers.

What does this mean? Well, that's just me theorizing now, but I can definitely imagine that Iroh had someone, a family member maybe, there for him who wasn't around or didn't care to be when Ozai grew up. There must've been someone there who gave Iroh emotional security and guidance throughout his upbringing. Who? That's up to imagination. A friend of the family? A friendly uncle? His own mother ((or father))? (The last two things worked out for Zuko in the end, didn't they?) Otherwise I can't really explain myself why Iroh had enough values to love the way he loved Lu Ten, while Ozai clearly didn't give two fucks about his children at any point in his life.

Iroh was the firstborn son, the one who had a vision very early in his life that his destiny was to take over Ba Sing Se. Probably the one who got to have a family member care about him enough to show him how to love.

(I like to point this out a lot because I find it very interesting, and very significant. Please A:TLA give us more info on Iroh's past!!)

Which brings me to my second take: Ozai was the less favored son.

Iroh was clearly a son to be proud of. He was a master firebender, the "Dragon of the West", if you will. He apparently had a vision as a boy that he'd conquer the most "impenetrable city" in the world. He probably lived up to his parent's expectations for his whole life, especially having no sibling to be compared to for a significant part of his life. He broke through the outter wall of Ba Sing Se during his siege. Yada yada yada, you get my point. He's the best son they could've wished for.

And Ozai? As far as I know, he barely even has any military achievements. Taking over Ba Sing Se was Azula's doing. While Iroh laid siege to the capital, he was at home chilling in the palace. He's the younger brother to an established hero and was never meant to be firelord. Now, I haven't read the comics for more info on Ozai's biography, but this man barely had a chance to live up to his parent's standards with Iroh as an older brother. If my theory is correct, Ozai also didn't have any person to provide him emotional guidance throughout his life. (*cough* like Azula)

The logical outcome is: infinite jealousy.

And when Ozai suggests to Azulon that he revoke Iroh's birthright to become firelord, this is Azulon's answer:

Azulon doesn't even hesitate to call Ozai out on his bullshit. He doesn't hesitate to take offense at the suggestion of betraying Iroh, and he even seems to care about Iroh's suffering. Not to mention that Azulon is overall annoyed with Ozai's request for an audience and sends the rest of Ozai's family away as soon as he can, to get whatever it is Ozai wants over with.

I could also mention the fact that Ozai tried to impress Azulon with his daughter's skills (Azula, even named after him) and the overall strained relationship these two seem to exhibit. It's obviously very different from Azulon's relationship with Iroh, if the way he talks about said man is anything to show for.

What if Azulon treated Ozai the same way Ozai treated Zuko? (Probably without the physical abuse, but you get my point.) What if this is where Ozai learned to treat a "useless" kid like shit, maybe also in a way to cope with how he was treated himself?

Getting deeper into the fact that Ozai is rather a loser compared to Iroh, without any big military achievements and without value for anything beyond that, this also explains a lot about Ozai's constant need to establish his dominance.

First; Becoming Firelord through radical manners (you know, killing his own son or killing his own father)

Second; Publicly burning and banishing his own son whom he considers a weakling, who dared to speak up in his war room. Doing this to have everyone know that he doesn't associate himself with weakness and that he will not ever tolerate any form of disrespect.

Third; The whole Phoenix King act. No one can tell me this isn't a madman's doing. This is literally to show off that he is the most powerful person in the world.

Ozai is so obsessed with proving himself and his superiority to everyone, including himself and probably Iroh too. This makes most sense if we consider that he probably lived in his brother's shadow for his whole life, ignored by probably every guiding figure he's ever had in his life, maybe even considered a laughingstock by his own father.

Perhaps this is also the reason Ozai didn't have any problem with Iroh accompanying Zuko in banishment. His brother, the hero in whose shadow he grew up, and his son, the failure he'd wanted out of the way for a long time already. It would erase Iroh's image that made him superior to him, once and for all. For himself and the world. I believe that branding him a traitor was the biggest satisfaction Ozai had ever experienced in his life.

I absolutely despise Ozai with every fibre of my heart, but it amazes me how ATLA continues to leave so much room for interpretation and explanation for a character as despicable as him. Writing this, even had me feel sympathy for him at some point. Feel free to disagree with me or add anything, I'm eager to hear everyone's thoughts about Ozai and Iroh's backstories because I'm geniuinely very curious.

#atla #avatar #avatar the last airbender #atla thoughts #atla theory #atla things #ozai #uncle iroh #iroh #fire nation #phoenix king ozai #avatar ozai #avatar iroh #zuko #azula #azulon #atla textpost #avatar textpost

272 notes · View notes