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takiniteasynightcoreremix · 5 months

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here's the full text of the 2006 pre-tv premier IGN interview with dethklok as it's now only available on wayback machine

Premiering Sunday, Aug. 6 at 11:45pm ET/PT on Adult Swim is Metalocalypse, a new animated comedy series from Tommy Blacha (Da Ali G Show) and Brendon Small (Home Movies).

Metalocalypse follows the on- and off-stage adventures of Dethklok, the world's most popular and heaviest heavy metal band. The band is so popular that thousands of fans will travel to a remote area of Scandinavia to hear them perform a single song: a jingle for a coffee company. So popular that these fans will sign "pain waivers" in case anything truly horrible happens to them at a show, which invariably occurs. The band members are also incredibly selfish and stupid, and they create a wave of mayhem, death and destruction wherever they go.

The members of Dethklok are:

Nathan Explosion - Vocalist. The lyrical visionary of Dethklok. Skwisgaar Skwigelf - Guitar. From Sweden. Fastest guitar player alive. Toki Wartooth - Guitar. From Norway. Second-fastest guitar player alive. William Murderface - Bass. No one in the world is full of more hatred than him. And he hates no one more than he hates himself. Pickles - Drummer. Raised in the Midwest, he became the world's most celebrated drummer after fronting L.A. rock band Snakes and Barrels.

The five Dethklok members recently sat down with the press to discuss their music, their influences, and the band. Below are their responses, followed by the pain waiver they require all Dethklok concert-goers to sign.

Q: First, let's start with the persistent rumors that Dethklok has signed a contract with the devil. Can you finally put this to rest?

William Murderface: I'll put you to rest.

Toki Wartooth: The devil is dildoes.

Nathan Explosion: There is no such thing as the devil because there has to be a god in order for there to be a devil. And we all know there is no god. And if there were a GOD then he would have protected us from signing that deal with the devil. And now we're stuck with a deal with some guy who doesn't even exist.

Q: If Dethklok is the heaviest band in the world, and also the most popular band in the world, what does that say about the world?

William Murderface: I'd like to destroy world hunger by destroying the world.

Toki Wartooth: I love questions, and dats a good one.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: It means nothing because, heavy or not, the world is a black vortex of black Nothingness and I hate our audience.

Q: The band has both the world's fastest and second-fastest guitarists alive in it. Is that a bit of overkill?

William Murderface: I'll overkill you.

Toki Wartooth: No, it's "underlive." Ha ha.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Not at all. As the fastest guitarist, I prefer to have someone a little worse at guitar in the band, like Toki. Because I think you would takes it for granted that I am the best. Like you get used to a room filled with the smell of roses until you go into a room with a rotting corpse smell - then you go back to the roses room and extra appreciates it a greats degrees better.

Q: Is it too loud, or am I too old?

William Murderface: I'm too fat.

Toki Wartooth: You gots hairs in your ears.

Pickles: It is loud. It's very loud. Before each show I have liquid concrete poured into my ears so that I don't cause permanent damage. You gotta protect your ears, anyone will tell you that. But what they don't tell you is that you should protect other parts of your body from loudness - for example, we now have to travel with a gastroenterologist.

Q: Nathan, you have a distinctive vocal style. What do you do to take care of your voice and still fill it with anger and hate?

William Murderface: I'm not Nathan.

Nathan Explosion: Two words: Potato chips and chocolate milk. I can go for days smoking and drinking and killing myself staying awake, but have a glass of chocolate milk and a handful of potato chips and I'm good to go.

Q: What's heavier - your music or your lyrics?

William Murderface: The lyrsmusic…shut up!

Toki Wartooth: Oooh, good question, it's like a two-parter.

Pickles: We had them professionally weighed recently and the difference is fractional. But the lyrics actually were heavier. The one lyric that tipped the scales was "I have a hate horse torso whose face is a Corpse/ Lacerated innards and a ding dong doodily dorpse." Now that's heavy.

Q: What kind of gear do you use?

William Murderface: Krank amps and Gibson guitars.

Toki Wartooth: Gibson guitars and Krank amps, but Krank won't give us no hoodies.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Gibson guitars. I stick with my Explorer and Toki usually plays a V, Krank amps- right now I'm using the KRANKENSTIEN, Line 6 pedals, Digidesign plug ins. We gots endorsement deals with alls of them. We can wrecks dem all- they just give us more.

Q: What are your influences - musical and otherwise?

William Murderface: Those awesome medical shows about really fat people and tumors.

Toki Wartooth: Depression and wind.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: My influences is my parent. I hates her beyond beliefs.

Nathan Explosion: I'd have to say I've influenced myself a lot. I listen to myself on records sometimes and think, "I could do that..."

Pickles: The sound of drums influences me. I say that I think because I am a drummer. And cymbals.

Q: What will it take for Dethklok to "sell out"?

William Murderface: We sell out every night, dildo.

Toki Wartooth: We sells out every night.

Nathan Explosion: Selling out is a point of view thing. I've redefined my word definitions of "selling out." I call it making things "more metal," and now it's impossible to sell out. We don't sell out at all. And we never will. I dare you to try. Seriously. Offer us any amount of money. And we'll take it. And we'll make it "MORE METAL."

Q: Death and mayhem seem to follow the band. Unlucky or cursed? Does it affect your music?

William Murderface: Lucky!

Toki Wartooth: Dat's life, deals with it.

Pickles: Death happens whether or not we are there. Though there does seem to be a little more when we are around. That's why we have the audience sign "Pain Waivers" to get into our show. It basically states that the audience is signing their life away should something horrible and "death-inducing" happen during one of our shows. And we can't be sued. Pretty smart!

Q: What is life on the road like for Dethklok? Do you prefer the seclusion of the studio to the adoration of thousands?

Toki Wartooth: Thousands?! You mean billions!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: The way I looks at it is that you can't f**k studio gear. Well, you can. But it's better to be on the road and f**k things there - there are more options and shapes.

Q: What inspires Dethklok?

William Murderface: A flower with its brains blown out.

Toki Wartooth: Everything must die.

Nathan Explosion: For me, it's humor. The fact that we are rich and that we will die eventually. See, that's kind of funny to me.

Q: Any thought about solo projects? What does Dethklok do to relax?

William Murderface: My solo project is called Planet Piss. Like it or not, who gives a piss?

Toki Wartooth: I likes to answer questions and build models.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: We relax with alcohol and Drug Buckets. And everybody's working on solo stuff always. That's cool. I'm in a Harry Potter tribute band called "10 Points to Gryffyndor." Also, I'm in a nudist Civil War styled band called "Depantsification Proclamation."

Q: Is Dethklok's music art?

William Murderface: When it's painted on your face.

Toki Wartooth: We gots an album cover of a Mona Lisa with blood.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Art is stupid. There is only food and death. So to answer your question: our music is both food and death.

Q: Much is made about Dethklok's penchant for pain and metal. But what about the groupies? Are there special ladies in the lives of Dethklok?

William Murderface: You mean like retarded?

Toki Wartooth: I don't wears no penchant.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I have no recollection of most of the women that I've slept with except for the paternity suits, which are null simply because they must sign a "fatherhood waiver," before a screw.

#metalocalypse #mtl #zero thoughts between these guys istg

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landosgirl97 · 1 year

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Not Too Sweet- Bradley Bradshaw

Warnings: Talk of diabetes, a little angst, worried Rooster, let me know if I missed anything!

——Reader’s POV

I walked into work late because I had so much difficulty waking up which means I didn’t get to see Bradley for very long before he was up in the air. I went to the locker room to lock my things in my locker and made my way out to talk to him briefly before I walked up to the control tower. Bradley saw me and jogged over before doing his checks on his jet. He leaned down to kiss my head and brushed my hair back behind my ear. His brows furrowed. “Baby, are you feeling okay? You’re sweating and clammy.” I shook my head. “I woke up and my blood sugar was really low so I’m still recovering.” He nods his head. “Tell Cyclone or Mav, baby, they’ll send you home. You have your medical waiver.” He was referring to the waiver I had to get to be in the Navy at all. Most people with Diabetes or hypoglycemia are not allowed in the military. I nodded my head as someone yelled for him. “I gotta go baby, let me know if you need anything.” Bradley said, giving me a quick kiss before going to do his pre-flight checks. I was mad at myself. I am usually really good at keeping my blood sugar under control. I fell asleep without eating last night and this is my penance.

I made my way slowly up the tower and found my spot at the window. Mav had either talked to Bradley or could tell something was off because he made his way over and knelt at my side. “You ok?” I nodded. “I’m okay Mav.” He looks at me questioningly but nods his head anyway and walks away. After they did their pre-flight checks, Bradley checked in. “Dagger Two to Tower, requesting permission to take off.” I cleared my throat before responding, “Dagger Two, the sky’s are clear. Have a safe flight.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking but I know he picked up on it. “ATC, are you okay?” I wanted to deny it but he knew. He knows everything. “I will be fine Lieutenant. You are cleared for take off.” I cut off the radio before Bradley could respond, noticing the way my hands were shaking. I wish I could get regulated but it almost seems impossible at this point. I didn’t realize I had zoned out until someone shook my shoulder.

“Hey,Y/N, your phone is beeping. It won’t stop.” I look up at Mav and put my hand out. He laid my phone in my hand and noticed the alert on the screen. “Y/N, why did you not tell me? I would’ve let you have some time off.” I shook my head. “I’m fine, Mav. I have a break soon.” He just shook his head and stood directly back from me. About 20 minutes later, I knew I needed to eat something or I’d hit the floor. I took my headset off, grabbing my phone and going to stand. After that, everything went dark.

——Bradley’s POV

I had only been in the air about 10 minutes when I heard a voice come in over my headset. “Dagger Two, this is Tower. Come in.” My heart dropped. It wasn’t Y/N, it was Maverick. “This is Dagger Two” “Listen, we have an ATC on the floor and need to know how to handle this.” My stomach dropped. “There are glucose gels and a granola bar in her bag. She always has it with her.” There is silence on the other line. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I wait for a response. “Found them. Now what.” “Prop her up and put the glucose gel in her mouth. Can I talk to another ATC and get permission to land?” I listened until I got permission to land, immediately circling back and landing. As soon as I finished everything that was needed, I ran up to the tower, seeing Mav on the floor with Y/N leaned onto his side, still knocked out. I bent down, grabbing Y/N off the floor and carrying her down the stairs, knowing she needed to go to the Infirmary. I laid her on the bed and sat with her until she finally came to. “Brad- you’re supposed to be in the air!” She said groggily. “Well, you’re supposed to be awake so, that makes two of us.” I heard her giggle slightly as color started to come back to her face. I breathed a sigh of relief and handed her the granola bar to start crunching on. “Just so you know, Mav gave us both the rest of the day off. You are to go home and rest. And I’m supposed to help take care of you and report back throughout the day. “But I-“ “Nope. It’s already done. Finish that and we are going home. I want to cuddle up with my girl.” I watched as she nodded and began to eat her granola bar quicker. I felt much more relieved knowing that she is okay and moving.

#top gun maverick #bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster top gun #top gun rooster #top gun fic #top gun fanfiction #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw

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kairakeiji · 10 months

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reckless driver | tartaglia

modern au - they’re driving lol

“you kissed me.”

you only shake your head as childe stares at you, “keep your eyes on the road.”

and he only blinks, “you kissed me.”

so you turn to him. “why aren’t your eyes on the road?” he doesn’t waiver, so you try again, “why are you staring at me?”

his eyes are still on you, absolutely dumbfounded. “at the red light,” he mumbles. “you kissed me, why?”

your eyes leave his the second his lock yours, “you’re going too fast ajax,” you tell him. “please just keep your eyes forward.”

but he doesn’t waiver, “answer my question,”and you can hear a lilt of desparation in his voice. “what did it mean to you?”

“ajax,” you stutter, “what?”

“what do i mean to you?”

and you hesitate, “i don’t know,” before your eyes turn back to the road, “please, just keep your eyes forward. let’s just focus on getting back.”

“you don’t know?”

“i don’t,” you repeat voice becoming more stern before your eyes turn wide. “ajax, the light’s red.”

and his foot slams the breaks, sending you both lunging forward.

“what the hell,” you exclaim. “please, keep your eyes on the road, if you need to talk we can pull over.”

“i know what it mean to me,” ajax cuts in.

and you only sigh, “okay then.”

“ask me.”

“ask you what?”

“what the kiss meant.”

“if i do will you focus on the road?”

and he nods, “yes.”

“okay,” you mumble, stomach beginning to churn. “what did it mean to you?”

“it meant that some part of you feels as i do,” ajax starts as a car honks behind you both, the light unknowingly shifted green. “that some part of you felt spurred enough to do the one thing i’ve always dreamed of,” he continues as he moves forward, eyes now fixed on the road ahead.

“i kissed you,” you mumble to no one in particular.

“yes, you did.”

“do you like me?” you softly question.

he answers not even a beat later, “of course i do.”

you hesitate, “do you love me?”

“yes i do,” he answers before a beat of silence passes. “do you love me?” he asks you.

and all you can do is remain silent.

he turns to you as you continue to avoid his gaze, eyes now fixated on the open road ahead. “do you love me?”

“ajax,” you start. “you said you’d focus on the road.”

he only asks once more, “do you love me?”

“not in the way you want me to.”

now he’s the one who goes silent, breath hitching as he stares into the distance, gaze just barely focused on the still straight ahead on the road. the two of you hit another stop light, neither saying a word before ajax continues on.

you glance at the dashboard as the car’s engine revs louder as he makes a right turn, “you’re speeding up,” you point out.

but he only asks once more, “why did you kiss me?”

“you’re speeding up,” you point once more. “ajax, please slow down.”

he meets your gaze, “because i love you.”

“ajax, you’re going too fast.”

“that kiss meant everything to me.”

you turn to him, meeting his gaze with nothing but desparation in your eyes, “ajax please slow down, please focus we’re going to crash.”

but he only asks you softly, eyes pleading for an answer.

“did it mean nothing to you?”

your eyes turn back to the road, widening when you see what’s ahead. “ajax,” you exclaim, hand urgently hitting the center console. “you gotta stop.”

but his eyes only remain on you, recklessly speeding up as if all he can do is beg you for an answer.

“why did you kiss me? please, just answer”

“ajax st-”

based on reckless driver by lizzy mcalpine :)

thanks for reading! reblogs/interactions are incredibly appreciated <33

#genshin #genshin impact #childe #childe x reader #tartaglia x reader #genshin impact childe #childe genshin impact #genshin childe #genshin impact tartaglia #genshin imagines #writing.txt #tartaglia

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moremaybank · 8 months

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THIS LOVE (III) — j.m

pairing actor!jj maybank x actress!reader

chapter summary you and jj try to navigate through the aftermath of jj's love profession to the media, alongside your managers and publicists. they come up with a plan, but you're not totally (or even slightly) on board with their idea.

warnings domestic violence/abuse (fuck luke maybank forever), language, jj doubting himself thanks to luke, i think that's it

recommended listening a bad dream by keane, heavy by kiana ledé

this love — the complete playlist ;; the masterlist ;; the tag list

❝ CHAPTER THREE ❞

This just in! Hollywood’s princess, Y/N Y/L/N, was spotted with superstar JJ Maybank outside of Harding Studios in Los Angeles yesterday evening. Y/L/N revealed that the two of them are costars for the studio’s upcoming romantic comedy, Love’s Second Act. However, when we approached the two hottest actors in the biz, there were sparks of what appeared to be real-life chemistry. Y/L/N claimed the two are just coworkers (her words, definitely not ours) with some clear disdain, while Maybank decided to make a statement. “I’ve known Y/N Y/L/N since I was seven years old. She was my best friend, and my favourite person in the world, and I really hurt her. But I’m going to win her back. Make sure that’s on the front page of whatever tabloid you work for. I want her — and the world — to know.” Seems like things could be heating up between these reconnecting stars. So stay tuned, readers. Details to come!

Y/N

You doubt that there’s anyone in this world more selfish than JJ Maybank. Trying to pull you back into his web is one thing, but going to the tabloids and airing out your personal business to the world is going way overboard.

Now, you’re stuck heading to a meeting with him alongside both of your managers and publicists as you try to navigate the massive influx of attention on you both. Your manager, and best friend, Madelyn is up to the task. She lives for this kind of spotlight, claiming it’ll do wonders for your career. You, however, are definitely not on board with whatever plan she, along with your publicist, Ashley, are going to cook up with JJ’s team.

Currently, Madelyn is driving you and herself to the office, where you plan to meet up with JJ, his manager Josh and publicist Andrea. It just so happens that you’re both with the same management company.

Lucky for you.

“I cannot believe he got us into this mess,” you sulk as you sink into the passenger seat of Madelyn’s Range Rover. “I’m getting flashbacks to being eighteen, and that’s not exactly a time I’d like to relive.”

“You’re so dramatic,” she laughs. “It’ll be fine.”

Madelyn pulls into the parking lot, throwing her car into park and turning to look at you. She can see the nerves beginning to take over. “Hey,” she says. “You got this.”

“I don’t know if I do, Mads. I mean, you know everything that happened with JJ and I back then. It’s hard, seeing him again. It was different when I was reading about his rise to stardom. But working with him, and now him trying to reinsert himself in my life…”

You stop yourself before your voice has the chance to waiver. You don’t want to cry over him. It’s been too long. But now, having to deal with him almost everyday, the wound feels brand new again. And it nearly killed you the first time.

Madelyn squeezes your shoulder. “Look, I don’t want you to worry. It’s not going to be easy, but as your manager, I have to take any chance I can at advancing your career, and the truth is, JJ has the street cred. I promise there will be a bright side to this. Endorsements and brand deals, new acting opportunities. Who knows what could happen, or who’ll approach you. You know I’d never force you into anything, but I really believe that we gotta do this.”

As hard as it is, you know she has a point. She’s always believed in you, and has put your career at the top of her priority list always. The least you can do is stick it out and have faith in her the way she does with you.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” She asks, her eyes glimmering brightly as she grins.

“Yeah. You’re right. Who knows what’s in store, right? And my career is the most important thing to me. It’s the right thing to do.”

“I’m so proud to be your manager-slash-best friend,” she grins, clapping her hands as she squeals with excitement.

You can’t help but smile too. “Me too, Mads.”

You walk into JJ’s manager’s office at Floyd Management, instantly being greeted by his manager and publicist. Your eyes lock momentarily with the blonde’s, before his manager speaks.

“Y/N, great to meet you. I’m Josh Parker, and this is Andrea Scott, JJ’s publicist.”

“Andrea. Big fan,” she speaks.

“Nice to meet you both,” you say, shaking both their hands. “This is Madelyn Davis, my manager, and my publicist, Ashley Sawyer is unfortunately unable to make it today. I’m really sorry for the inconvenience.”

“No worries,” Josh assures you. “Andrea’s been in touch with her, game-planning and what not. She gave us the go ahead to get things started in her absence.”

“Awesome,” you smile. You hesitantly take a seat next to JJ in front of Josh’s desk when he motions you to sit there.

“So, we’ve all been doing some talking, and we’ve devised a plan that should help with the takeoff of your new film.”

“Great. What did you have in mind?” Madelyn questions. “I’m not sure if you know about Y/N and JJ’s history, but I won’t force her into something that makes her uncomfortable.”

Josh nods, “We completely understand that, but given the circumstances, we aren’t sure that you’re going to be too thrilled about our idea.”

Confusion fills you, as well as your nerves which have made a reappearance. “What is this idea, exactly?”

“Well,” Andrea begins, “To be honest…your shared history is aligned with the plot of the movie you two are going to be working on soon. It’s all about second chances. Reconnecting with your first love and rediscovering the undeniable connection that still lingers between you.”

Uh oh, you think. I don’t think I like where this is going.

“It’s perfect, really. Ex-childhood best friends and high school sweethearts falling back in love as they prepare to shoot a romantic comedy of an almost identical nature. You really couldn’t ask for better publicity.”

You want to ask questions, but JJ beats you to it.

“So what exactly are you asking us to do?”

“We think the two of you should form a fake relationship. We’ll start with a soft launch, hinting that the two of you are reconciling, and thanks to JJ’s statement last week, it’ll be easy for fans to catch. Then, we’ll work our way toward the hard launch, confirming your relationship and springing it forth to the public eye. You’ll have to move in together to keep up the ruse. We’ll organize a small press tour where the two of you can discuss your sordid past and how you’ve come back together right in time for the film, ensuring that the public will witness an indisputable chemistry between you two on screen, should they choose to watch. The press will eat it up, as well as the fans, and it’ll help both the movie’s sales as well as the advancement for both of your careers.”

You’re unable to move. You’re left there, slack jawed as you try to fathom how the hell you’re supposed to move forward with this godforsaken plan.

“And this would help JJ out tremendously with the predicament he’s currently in,” Josh chimes in with a nervous chuckle.

“Predicament? I’m sorry, what predicament?” Madelyn asks.

Josh turns to JJ, “I thought you said they knew?”

“Yeah, uh, I lied about that, actually,” JJ responds, scratching his brow and trying to shield his face from your view.

“What else is new?” You murmur, more to yourself than anyone else, but they all hear your comment anyway. JJ chooses to ignore it, as does everyone else.

“It’s all right,” JJ speaks, “You can tell them. If I wanna get Y/N back, I gotta start being honest, right?”

You laugh sarcastically, “Ha. You’re not getting me back, Maybank.”

“Just tell her,” JJ urges.

“Right…well, you see…JJ has been in his…rebellious phase lately, and it seems that three women filmed themselves having relations with JJ…together. They’ve threatened to release it unless we pay them hush money. But, if you agree to our plan, then we can get ahead of it in case the women choose to leak it. We can say that JJ was lost and succumbing to the pressure of an immense amount of fame at such a young age, and say that once you reentered his life, it changed him for the better. Almost as if you solved all his problems just by being there again.”

“So let me get this straight…you want me to agree to be in a fake relationship with JJ so his whoring doesn’t tear his career and reputation to shreds? Yeah, fat chance,” you speak, crossing your arms. “Besides, who’s really going to believe that I can change him anyway?”

“To be fair, I do,” Josh states. “I mean, you must have some affect in him. This is the first time he’s been early to a meeting in eight months.”

You cock your brow, slightly turning your head to look at JJ beside you. He busies himself by picking at a string from the rips of his jeans. “Is that true?”

“Do you care if it is?”

“Nope. Just asking a question.”

“Yes, it’s true,” Andrea cuts in. “JJ’s been a mess for months. One sight of you and boom, his head is already getting back in the game.”

Yeah, right.

“Look, you guys might believe that JJ cares about what I think, or that he might listen to me, and maybe I used to as well, but he proved me wrong. And I’m not interested in being proven wrong again.”

“Well, maybe if you let me explain what really happened, then—”

“I don’t need you to explain,” you grit out. “I was there. I lived it.”

“Damn it, Y/N, will you just—”

“Alright!” Madelyn interrupts, halting JJ from speaking further. “Y/N and I will take some time to think about this. Arguing isn’t going to solve anything. Just give us a few days and we’ll be in touch.”

Madelyn gets up, shakes Josh and Andrea’s hands and walks out of the office with you following suit, hot on her trail.

Finally. It’s over.

“So, what do you think?” Madelyn asks when the two of you step into her office in the same building. The elevator ride and the walk had both been eerily quiet, and she knew your mind was racing.

“What do I think?” You scoff, making a beeline for the small bar tray in the corner room. You pour yourself a shot of tequila and down it without a second thought. “I think that this plan is bullshit, Mads. I’m already struggling with the fact that he’s going to be my on-screen love interest for the next few months. But starting a fake relationship? Does everyone think I’m some kind of masochist?”

It was crazy. More than crazy.

“Of course, nobody thinks that, babe. But…”

“Oh, no. But what?”

“Okay, don’t get mad, but I really do think that JJ seems remorseful. And I’m not saying that his obvious regret excuses what he did, because it doesn’t, but I am saying that at the very least, he’s in the position to help your career. Josh and Andrea are both legends in this business, and if they believe this plan will work…”

You let out a groan, holding your head in your hands. “I need another shot,” you monotone, turning back to the bar to pour yourself some more tequila.

“I’d join you, but I gotta get going. I’ll call you later. Just think about it. And don’t forget to lock the door when you’re finished,” she says, grabbing her purse and heading for the door. You hear her open the door and then begin to speak to someone, but you assume she’s taken a phone call. That’s before you hear the footsteps approaching you.

“Change your mind about that drink?”

“Actually, uh, Madelyn’s gone, but I’ll take you up on that offer.”

No. Absolutely not. There’s no way this man has the audacity to speak to you after that nightmare of a meeting.

“You can’t be here. You need to go, JJ.”

He moves from his place in the doorway, slowly walking in your direction. He still keeps his distance, knowing it’ll set you off if he gets too close. “I’m here to talk about work, all right? Not about us.”

“That’s good,” you reply, “ seeing as there is no us.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I had no idea you’d be working on this movie, and I never would’ve agreed to it if I did. But that doesn’t change where we are now. I know you hate me, I do. And I know it’s hard for you to even look me in the eye, but I also know that you value your career. You worked hard to get to where you are, and so did I. I think this could be good for us. Y’know, work wise.”

You gather yourself, taking your second shot before slowly turning around to face him.

You step closer to him, finally and truly face to face.

“You really expect me to help you save your career after what you did? It changed me, JJ. You changed me. I worked damn hard to get where I am, and I worked especially hard to demolish that insecure and poor little girl who let a guy dictate her self worth. I have absolutely zero intentions of going back.”

You notice the guilt flash over his features, though you try your hardest not to.

“I’m not asking you to. I just…fuck, Y/N/N, I’m beggin’ you here. I can’t revert to who I was back then either. I can’t feel like that again,” he said.

Flashback - Five Years Ago

JJ awoke early the following morning, unfortunately being reminded of the fact that he had an early shift. He still had to go home, get ready, and make his way to the country club over on Figure Eight.

What he wanted to do was stay in bed with you. Watch you sleep peacefully, stain kisses into your skin, whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Remind you of how much he loved you and how his long-awaited dream was finally coming true.

But he was also reminded of the fact that there were bills to pay. With Luke currently in jail, someone had to work to barely afford to keep his childhood home, no matter how many sour memories it held within its walls.

JJ’s hand smoothed up your arm, stroking your shoulder. “How did the universe come up with you, huh?” He spoke in a hushed tone, careful not to wake you from your slumber. “Can’t believe I get to call you mine.”

A few minutes of doting went by, and then JJ lowered his head to press a chaste kiss to your forehead before slowly climbing out of bed. He got dressed, and when he was finished, he headed over to your desk. He grabbed a scrap piece of paper and jotted down a note, leaving it by your bedside before heading out.

JJ got off his bike, nudging the kick stand into place before hopping off and approaching his house. He couldn’t wipe the large grin off his face even if he tried as he stepped through the door.

“I got the girl. I finally got the girl,” he said to himself.

It all felt so surreal. Like it was too good to be true. He’d waited years to hear those words fall from your lips, had waited even longer to speak them to you himself. And now, both of those things had happened, and JJ felt like he was on top of the world.

“Hm, is that so?”

Until now.

“Dad, what’re you— You’re back?”

Luke stumbled as he approached JJ from the kitchen, obviously drunk and back to his regular scheduled bullshit.

“Yeah, looks like it. Now, about that girl. You meant Y/N, didn’t you?”

“None of your business.”

JJ had always done his best to keep you out of the drama that was Luke. He barely let you come around in Luke’s presence. His number one priority was to protect you, always. Especially from the man who’d been beating him his entire life.

Luke chuckled dryly, “You know you’ll never be enough for her, JJ.”

“That’s not true.”

“That what she told you?” Luke questioned, getting closer to him. JJ could smell the liquor on his breath, a familiar and unwelcome fragrance where his father was concerned. He turned his head to the side, trying to avoid it, as well as bitter look on Luke’s face.

“You’re nothin’ but a greedy salt-lifer, just like me. You’re worthless. And you sure as hell aren’t gettin’ off this damn island. Y/N will soon see that. There’s no hope for you, boy, and certainly not any goddamn love.”

“Shut up,” JJ spat.

“What’d you just say?”

“I said, shut up!” JJ exclaimed, shoving Luke away from him.

“Don’t you dare touch me, boy,” Luke gritted, throwing a sharp punch and hitting JJ square in the jaw. He watched as JJ spat out the blood pooling in his mouth, and scramble in an attempt to get up. He wasn’t quick enough, though, and Luke kicked him in the abdomen, sending JJ onto the ground and landing flat on his back.

Towering over him, Luke grabbed him by the collar and pressed him back down. JJ felt a sharp pain the back of his head as it hit the floor beneath him. A groan escaped his lips, and he screwed his eyes shut.

“Your mama couldn’t even love you, and you expect her to stick around? What do you have to offer her, huh? Your beat up clothes? The quick cash you make from selling your weed? All the shit you steal when you pick up work on Figure Eight? You have nothing. You are nothing. Like I said, you will never be good enough for her.”

JJ sulked throughout his entire shift. He couldn’t help it. Luke’s words had been echoing in his mind over and over, like a song on loop that would never cease.

You have nothing. You are nothing.

He had a point, didn’t he? JJ knew he didn’t have the means to provide you with the beautiful life you deserved. He had barely felt a mother’s love before she took off, and was then left to be raised by the hands of a monster. He couldn’t deck you out with fancy clothes and jewelry or gift you a luxurious home and car like the guys over on Figure Eight, or even around the globe.

You will never be good enough for her.

All JJ could give to you was his heart, and he started to wonder if that would come up short as well.

End of Flashback

You screw yourself over when your eyes lock with his. You can see the pain behind them, still as prominent as it’d been all those years ago. He’s wearing the same look he always did whenever Luke would lay a hand on him. Trying to keep himself together, even though he was tearing himself up inside. You’d never admit it, but it still hurt, seeing him like this. You know it’s genuine, but is that really enough to trust him?

“Please,” JJ presses.

You let out a deep sigh, half-wanting to drink yourself into a stupor and blackout so you could erase this entire day from your memory.

“Stop. You don’t get to guilt me into this, or make me out to be the bad guy. I can’t just say yes. I…I need to think about all of this.”

“Right. Of course,” he says, looking down as he plays with his fingers. “I understand.”

JJ begins to walk away, his back now facing you with his shoulders slumped. He disappears into the hallway, and you can tell he feels defeated. You’re planning on saying no. You both know that. It doesn’t need to be said out loud. And, to be quite honest, it kills you; the fact that it feels like you’re killing him. You still hold so much ill will toward him within you. So much hurt. You feel as small as you did when he walked away from what you two had. But seeing someone you loved for so long in pain is never easy.

It never will be.

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here4kpopfics · 1 year

Text

Just A Moment | Choi San

Pairing: Choi San x reader

Genre: comfort fluff

AU: idol!au | established relationship

Wordcount: 775

Summary: Life’s not on your side lately, and you just need a moment of peace.

Warnings: Just sickening amounts of fluff and talks of life just sucking but nothing really mentioned.

Rating: PG15 just to be safe.

AN: Uh, yes. Hello. I said I’d never write more than BTS and Seventeen and ONE single Yeonjun fic. But I have soft feelings after seeing San sleeping with a body pillow and being all cuddly with anyone he can cuddle with. This is for my beautiful @baljinciaga who I felt like could use some San cuddles lately. I love you, bby. I hope you like it. And thank you to @classicscreations for the banner/divider. Unedited bc I'm lazy.

Masterlist | Taglist | AskBox | Coffee? | Patreon

It’s too late to be here, but you’ve been on edge all day and just need to see him. You don’t care if you get into trouble. You sent a text to Wooyoung asking if it was possible to get into the dorms and he was more than willing to help.

“Thank you, Woo. I promise I’ll be out early.” your voice waivers a little as you quietly follow the boy into the shared apartment.

“You can stay as long as you want, y/n. You know we don’t mind. I know San would prefer it, too.” you both smile, but yours doesn’t meet your eyes as you cast them down to the floor. Wooyoung tilts his head to the side, eyebrows pinched together, as he whispers now that you’re in the apartment, “but…I feel like I gotta ask, y/n. Is everything okay?”

“Uhh,” you pause, kicking your shoes off and dropping your stuff on the kitchen counter, “I don’t actually know how to answer that? It’s just…I will be okay. Just…right now, I need him.” Wooyoung says nothing more, giving you a quick, but tight, hug, kissing your head, and heading to his own room after wishing you a goodnight. You nod as he leaves, turning to walk down the opposite hallway, towards where your heart’s been craving to be all week.

You crack the door open as slowly as you can, trying to make as little noise as possible. The room is dark, only lit by the television that he never remembers to turn off before he falls asleep.

Your heart wants to burst from the sight of him curled up on his side, clutching a body pillow like a lifeline. His cheek is squished against the pillow and he looks so soft and innocent in comparison to when he’s on stage being what you deemed “an absolute demon”. As much as you love him on stage, there’s nothing better than your soft and loving Choi San.

“San?” you whisper, softly closing the door behind you. He doesn’t respond as you take your jeans off, haphazardly folding them and setting them on a chair. You grab one of his shirts that’s easily accessible and remove your own shirt, doing the same as you did with the jeans and throwing on his shirt instead.

“San, baby?” you try again, just a little louder as you crawl into his bed and under the covers, slotting yourself on your side facing him. His arm instinctively reaches around you, pulling you close. Your arm wraps around his back, hand cradling the back of his head to tuck him under your head like you’ve done a million times. His legs find their way between yours, entangling them together.

It takes another minute before he finally hums, inhaling your scent, and pulling his head back as he opens his eyes.

“y/n? What are you doing here?” God, his sleepy voice is way more attractive than anything in the world. You smile, pushing his hair back to kiss his forehead.

“Wooyoung let me in. I know I’m not supposed to be here, but…” your smile fades, letting your hand slide down from his hair to cup the side of his face not against the pillow, thumb soothing over his cheekbone, “I just needed a moment with you.”

“Did something happen?” He’s waking up a little bit more now, growing more and more concerned with every second your expression grows more and more sad. “What happened, baby?”

“Nothing,” your voice reduces to a soft squeak, “I just feel like nothing is going right and just everything sucks and…I miss you.”

“Oh, baby. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, San. Your job is your job. I know what I signed up for. Whatever this feeling is that has me so on edge is the problem. But, I can feel it lessening now that I’m here.” You don’t miss the way he grins, pulling you impossibly closer, even with the body pillow between you two.

“Then you stay here as long as you need to, baby. Stay for as many hours, as many days, weeks, months. Stay forever if it means keeping a smile on your face.”

“We both know that’s not possible, but I like the idea of it.” You smirk, shifting to a more comfortable position.

“One day, baby. One day.” his words trail off as he falls back asleep rather quickly and you have the hold back on the giggle you want to make. You give his forehead another kiss as you feel yourself drifting off to sleep, finally feeling a small jolt of happiness and contentment.

Everyone deserves San cuddles. 💜💜

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aita-blorbos · 1 month

Note

(OC) Am I the asshole for killing a girl?

Okay, title sounds bad, I know. But hear me out. This happened years ago but just recently came up again.

I (Then 35, Now 43 M) run a hospital. We're pretty infamous in the area for being super cheap, and people come from all over to get help from us. We run under the nose of the government, taxes and stuff, and so we keep our prices low if you promise not to tattle. We're in America so cheap healthcare is not easy to come by. I pride myself on running this place, keeping it clean, yadda yadda. I wear a mask that covers my entire head when I go out in public around the hospital- My face has some pretty distinct scars so I gotta make sure nobody will recognize me if I need to tear this place down, yfeel?

So this nurse, let's call her Cot (18? F) was helping me out. She was a real good worker, but a little airheaded and kept losing track of things. Now, I have a rule in place for the office, whoever enters my room or tries to see me unmasked will be fired. It's also known that people who try to blow the cover on my operation tend to go missing, if you catch my drift. Hey, we do a good service, it'd be a shame if one person ruined it for everybody. So Cot was needing allergy info or something similar and went into my office to get it. She sorted through some paperwork on my desk and saw a few tax forms she shouldn't have. I came back at this point but just watched her from the doorway, and she grabbed one of the forms and slipped it into her clipboard. I obviously announced myself at this point with all the proof I needed, and fired her on the spot. She started ranting and raving at how I'm dishonest and evil and stealing money. I was fine with being yelled at, happens all the time, until she said she was going to report me to the authorities. At this point, I attacked her, using the only thing near me- some sorta acid- and forcing it down her throat. She died almost instantly, no pain what-so-ever.

Now, this was standard fare. I buried her on property, buried the evidence with her, whatever. It's been like eight years since. But recently she's come back as a ghost and has started haunting me! Saying stuff like "You shouldn't have killed me" and "Do you know how boring the afterlife is" and "Dick move, man" and I'm just like... Lady, you KNEW what the consequences were! To get hired you had to sign a waiver that said you wouldn't tattle, then you say you'll go and tattle, so I did what I had to do! It's not like I singled her out or anything, I did to her what I would do to anyone else who pulls that kinda shit.

AITA for this? Cot's been throwing books at me the entire time I've been typing, saying "YEAH, YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE" real loud. She's lucky that I'm the only one who can see and hear her, else I'd be double-killing her just for being annoying.

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

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missacidburn928s-heathenhideaway · 2 months

Text

LUNATIC II

Summary:

Welcome to Tartarus. Things are going to get electrifying 😉

Notes:

Hello Heathens! Smut begins this chapter. HAPPY READING!

Banner by @cafekitsune Divider by @unowakot

You pull up to what looks to be a condemned brick building. Boarded up windows, graffiti, trash littered everywhere and even a homeless man holding court in the alley by the side entrance.

"Hey Mello. How goes the watch?" You ask the vagrant leaning against the wall.

"Nyxy my girl! You're back. And you brought company. Has it been 2 days already? Man I must have got a bad batch off of Slim." He responds with a look of confusion on his face.

"You haven't lost track of time again Mello. I'm back a day early because earth's mightiest over here have some questions for me and in case it gets squirrely I'd rather not get blood on my hardwood back home." You state like it's an everyday fact.

"I gotcha. Gotta protect the safespace. Like I do with this alley. Well. Holler if you need anything. Though I'm sure you won't. And if I hear screaming I'll just tune it out." He leans back against the wall and gets comfy.

The team looks surprised at his statement. Clint even mouths ‘what the fuck’ to Nat and she just shrugs.

"Oh. Speaking of needing anything." You reach into the inner pocket of your leather jacket. "I brought you a new world to explore and some coin for your ventures." You hand over a gently used book and a couple of gift cards.

He glances at the cover. “‘The Last Wish’ Andrzej Sapkowski. A fantasy novel. Interesting.” He inspects the cards. “Looks like you found a way to guarantee I use your money the way you intend me to. I can buy food if I’m hungry. Clothes and shoes if I need them. But I don't understand the last one. Why did you give me a YMCA card with my name on it?”

“Easy. I made you a member. I’ll be paying the dues. That way you can get in and use the facilities to have a hot shower and use the internet if you so chose. Or just harass the teenagers. I know you love to do that.” You answer with a shrug. “Oh and that book is the introduction to a series. If you like it I can bring the next one when you finish. The least I can do is keep you entertained while you stalwartly guard my lair like a loyal hellhound does the gates to the underworld.”

“As always, it's a pleasure to serve you Miss Nyxy my Dark Pixie. My fealty shall never waiver my Queen.” He gives a formal bow of his head.

“As you were Sir Mellow. I’ll leave Wade to keep you company for now.” You nod in response before turning towards the “boarded up” door and removing a brick to expose your lock mechanism.

“Why do I have to stay out of the super secret lair?” Wade pouts. “I wanna see all your toys and offer up my services as a guinea pig. Come on.”

“You know more than anyone how much of a liability you are Wade. I’m not running the risk of your enemies even thinking you spend time here. Don’t pout about it. Be a good boy and I’ll set up some playtime with Ferne for you.” You offer up.

“Full access pass?” He barters.

“For one night only. Under her direction.” You offer.

“Deal.” You shake hands. “I best be on my way then. I’m not needed here and Mello isn't much for conversation. I have people to stalk, things to kill anyway.”

“Night Wade. Try and keep all your body parts this time.” You turn back to the hidden lock, ignoring the group of heroes watching this exchange.

“No promises.” He retorts before running off.

Removing a small dagger from the waistband of your jeans, you prick your middle finger, producing a small drop of blood that you allow the lock to soak up. You suck the remaining blood off your finger, sneakily giving the group the bird as you wait for the tell tale click of the lock disengaging.

Once the door is unlocked, you push it forward and make your way inside. “Don’t dawdle now. The door will close and lock automatically in 30 secs and she’s one heavy bitch.” At your words they speedily head in behind you, Clint barely making it through the entryway as the door begins to pull closed, a hiss sounding as the lock reengages.

“Shit! You weren’t kidding.” He gasps out.

“You’ll find that even though I am rather hilarious. I am also brutally honest. I don’t like to waste words when information is important. Plus I really didn’t feel like cleaning up severed body parts tonight. There’s better things I’d like my muscles aching from.” Your eyes quickly roam over Bucky and Nat, landing on the blonde God behind them, as you speak of aching muscles. I’m sure he would leave a most delicious ache.

You lead them down a small dark hallway until you reach another locked door. For this one you enter a five digit pin and a scanner pops out below the keypad at hip level. You unbutton your jeans and pull down the right side, exposing the gray-scale pinpoint tattoo on your hip. The Goddess Hecate’s Wheel, surrounded by lotus petals. The Ultra-Violet Scanner quickly surveys your skin, picking up on the black light ink hidden within the wheel.

A series of clicks and bangs can be heard as the door unlocks itself, opening with a small release of air. As you button your jeans back up, you turn your head slightly over your shoulder. “Welcome to Tartarus. My little slice of Hell on earth.” You give a devilish little chuckle as you watch a myriad of looks pass along their faces at the moniker of your den of sin.

Thor, nonplussed by the name, catches your eye and gives back a devilish smirk of his own. “I do hope, this is a place for you to commit all your sins.” With a wink he steps inside.

Inquisitive eyes and a range of expressions fill the faces of Earth's Mightiest as they take in your playground of debauchery. Haunting music plays through the speakers as you spin and give an impromptu tour of your open space.

Dark red and black walls, accented with dark gray partitions divide the open space into modified sections. A black and white kitchen sits to the left, completely stocked, with an island and a full bar before the partitions begin.

Section one is simply a closet. Racks and shelves are neatly stacked and overflowing in black clothing. All tactical in some way but simple looking to the naked civilian eye. Several types of belts and a copious amount of steel toe boots take up one corner. A golden settee sits proudly in the middle of the room, providing comfort when one is trying to figure out which combo of gear to equip.

Next up is your weapons lab. Weaponry of every kind line the walls and built-in drawers. The workbench is littered with miscellaneous ammo and disassembled parts. Thor admires your various long swords. Your mace of the black crown catching his attention. “I have never seen such a weapon on Midgard. It looks as though it was crafted on Nidavellir. How did you come to procure such a weapon?”

“I made it myself.” You beam. “The only one of its kind. It’s based on several different lores combined to create such a badass weapon that inflicts maximum damage.”

“A warrior maiden who knows her way around vast weaponry. A deadly combination.” His eyes burn with heat as he scans your form, igniting your core with his smoldering gaze. You can feel your panties begin to dampen further watching his nostrils slightly flare as the scent of your fresh arousal hits him.

You choose to lean into it, giving his massive frame a once over yourself. Sending him a wink before giving your lips a quick lick and turning with a swivel to your hips to head into the next space.

This space has quite a few of the team giving you the side eye. Some may call it a torture chamber but you just call it your precious play room. Whips, chains, handcuffs, ropes of every size and color; along with various torture devices line the floor and walls. Not to mention the large drain in the floor and special hose that connects to the pipes that the bathroom uses to pressure wash away any stubborn stains or fluids.

“This clearly is one of my happy places.” You smile dreamily. “So much pain and pleasure happens here.”

“I can see why Wade has such a hard on for you now.” Tony ponders out loud.

“Oh. Wade has never been in here.” You turn towards him. “He’s only ever seen my work in the wild.” You step up to the billionaire. “Most souls that make it through those doors don’t leave this place.” You run a finger down his chest to his arc reactor and tap it.

He swallows. “Most huh. So you do play here.”

“But of course Mr. Stark.” You take a step back. “All work and no play makes for a dull existence.” You turn on your heel and head for the door connecting this chamber to the next. “Come along now. The tour is almost over and then we can talk.”

The next three sections are rather uneventful. You show them your glorious black and gray bathroom, complete with clawfoot tub and a rather extensive walk in shower made to handle any type of uncleanliness one could think of. Followed by your sleeping quarters. A large Victorian gothic four post bed sits on a platform in the center of the room surrounded by greenery and all your creature comforts.

Then there’s the study. Wall to wall are nothing but bookshelves filled to the brim and display cases full of some of your favorite artifacts, mainly skeletal remains of varying animal species and crystals galore.

On your way back towards the kitchen Clint can’t help but notice the hanging fabrics dangling above a small stage containing a stripper pole. “You do aerials in your show?” He asks.

“Not as much as I would like to, but yes I do.” You saunter over to the silky fabric and wrap your wrist up tight. “Honestly, in the air, dangling and flipping around, is the one place I feel most calm.” You heft your body up into the silk, twisting and maneuvering until you’ve put yourself in an inverted pigeon pose.

“Alright. You have questions and I may just have some answers for you.” You state.

Clint looks on slack jawed at your overly peaceful state while suspended up in the air, as Steve tries to take control of the situation and finally get some answers. “Are you sure you want to have this discussion while you're twisted up there?”

“Captain, I assure you.” You manipulate your body once more and move into a wide seat inversion. “I am perfectly content, right where I am.”

Thor’s mind starts to race as he watches you confidently control the silk wrapped around your body. Flashes of him manipulating you into various positions for his own carnal pleasure begin to play. I must partake of this warrior maiden. To drink of her essence and worship her body would be an honor fit for a King.

“Leave her be Capsicle. Even you can admire the view on this one.” Tony nudges him in the arm.

“I assume you’re looking for some villain origin story type bullshit, right?” You raise your brow.

They just stare on, waiting for you to continue.

“Sad to say, mine is not all too entertaining. Grew up in foster care til I was old enough to successfully run away at age 13. Was homeless for a bit until Madam Elsa found me. Don’t worry I wasn’t turning tricks or anything at that age.”

You smile like the nocturnal creature you are. “She gave me a room at her upscale brothel. Not one of the play rooms, but on the level where the escorts lived. She required me to complete my education in exchange for room and board. I opted to do it online and graduated early at 15. Yay for homeschool and smart sex workers as tutors. I learned a lot of things back then. Good and bad. It was the bad that stuck with me of course.”

You begin to sway, subconsciously soothing yourself. “I watched the people I loved and cared for, get beat for doing what they had to do to put food in their bellies. The richer the client, the more evil they were. One extremely wealthy client in particular, who was the son of a politician, tried to bargain a night with me when I turned 18. Madam of course had none of it. Didn't stop the little twat from trying though. Had me followed and basically stalked me. Little did he know I’d been learning hand to hand combat along with weapons training since the day I entered that brothel. Cliff, Madam's husband and head of security, took me under his wing and made me a secret weapon.”

The team exchanges a look with each other.

“It wasn't until I was 21 that I killed for the first time. Maimed plenty. But death by my hand just hadn’t happened yet. Not until that same prick that tried to buy me when I became legal did the unthinkable. He had his goons raid the brothel. Apparently his father had gotten into business with Hydra and he thought he was invincible. My found family were raped and beaten all in an attempt to get to me. He made an example of Madam and Cliff.”

Your eyes glaze over as you relive that night. “He would have gotten off easy with a shot between the eyes, if he didn’t bind and torture Madam until I called. He was stupid enough to pick up her phone. I heard her screams to stay away even as he plunged his knife into her gut. I rushed over and found the carnage. He’d told the goons to leave as he remained. That was his biggest mistake. I played the distraught pseudo daughter to a tee. Mainly because I was. I gave him a false sense of victory before I slid a dagger from my belt and slit his throat. I watched the blood and life drain from him without remorse.”

“Madam died that night in the hospital and many of my family were wounded beyond repair, both physically and mentally. I vowed that day to protect the forgotten ones of society. The other. Because too many think we deserve what happens to us because we use our bodies for work.”

A small smile returns to your face. “Madam left me the brothel in her will and the remaining girls and I turned it into Sins. All above board. All consensual and most of all safe. I just so happen to have a taste for blood and mayhem. Get quite thirsty for it actually. But I do have a code. So you don't have to worry. I’m not taking your job. Anyone gets out of hand, they deal with me. That includes my workers who choose to take John's outside of the facility.”

“Nice story. Tragic. Yet it makes sense.” Natasha imparts.

Steve asks the question they’ve all been waiting for. “Why Rumlow?”

You lower yourself back down to the ground and walk up to the Captain. “Simple. He assaulted my best friend and worker. Followed her home and took what he wanted. He wasn't hard to track honestly. I was able to follow him the night after. Snuck into his apartment and the little shit had the audacity to brag about his prowess and what he did to Trixie. So I got a little knife happy. Had to take two showers just to get all of him off me that night.”

“Sounds like he got what he rightfully deserved.” Thor states.

“Good to know that the Demi God understands doling out justice where justice is due.” You glance over your shoulder at the blonde Adonis. “Although I’m not looking for anyone's approval; it does make all my naughty parts tingle to know my work is appreciated.” You wink at him and turn back towards the baffled Captain. “What? I have a praise kink. Among other things. So sue me.”

You head to the kitchen where a tablet is located on the counter. With a couple taps you place the lair in Sin Mode. The lights fade into a sultry red as Freak begins to play. You saunter over to your pole, turning towards the group of superheroes taking up space in your funhouse.

“Look. I have a lot of pent up energy I need to get rid from work and talking about murder and mayhem is just adding to my need for release.” You grab the pole and swing around once before climbing up. “Seeing as I have answered your questions, you can kindly show yourselves out or help me expend said energy. I’m not picky. An orgasm is in my future either way.” You start a sequence of spins and tricks as you give them time to make up their minds.

“I care not of what you all choose to do. But I will be staying to aid in the warrior maidens energy release. A creature that uninhibited, deserves to be worshiped properly.” Thor declares.

“Why am I not surprised your staying?” Tony looks at the God. “You’ve had a hardon for her since she took out that violet wand during her show. Wanna see if she receives as good as she gives huh there Pointbreak.”

“You know I can hear you right Tin Man.” You stop your spin and sit comfortably perched on the pole. “For inquiring minds who want to know, I most certainly love to receive. I’m a glutton for it really. Pain and pleasure. Such a magnificent combination. You thought tonight’s show was entertaining. You should see what I get up to with a dagger and some rope.” You wink at the Winter Soldier and the Black Widow, both with looks of lust clouding their eyes at your words.

“Alright, before this devolves any further, we’ll be taking our leave.” Steve looks over to an enthralled Thor, eyes only for you in this moment. “Well, almost all of us anyway. Thank you for answering our questions and allowing us in your space. I’m sure it won't be the last you see of us from now on.”

“I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me Captain.” You allow your eyes to roam all over his casually dressed frame.

They say their goodbyes and begin to head out. Thor happily watches you do your magic on the pole. Clint slaps him on his back and whispers. “Don’t hold anything back. She more than looks like she can handle the hammer and all its glory. I’ll be waiting for all the dirty details when you get back.”

“It will be my pleasure. Goodnight Barton.” Thor replies.

“So.” You slide down the pole, landing softly on your feet. “I’m just going to be upfront with you, God of Thunder and fertility. You can help me relieve all this energy if you make sure to use ALL of your powers. I want to be fucked stupid and be a babbling mess on the floor by the time your through with me. I can take whatever you dole out. Trust me.”

“Challenge accepted, fair maiden. Let’s begin by getting rid of these garments.” With a flash of lighting your clothes disintegrate off your body into a pile of ash on the floor.

“You better be replacing those.”

“I’ll have Tony buy you something better.” He steps up to you, wraps a hand around your throat and pulls you up into a heated kiss.

You wrap your thighs around his waist, grinding down against his shirt, soaking it in your essence. “I’m not opposed to semi clothed sex, but I really wanna get my greedy little fingers all over this godly skin.”

“That can easily be arranged milady.” He walks you over to the kitchen and places you on the island as he slowly removes his clothes for you.

While you watch the show you grab the control tablet off the counter beside you. “I have just the thing to make this night even more memorable.” Thunderstruck begins to play. “Care to make this even more interesting?”

“What do you have in mind?” Naked as the day is long, Thor swaggers up to you and places himself between your thighs.

You run your hand down his chiseled chest. “Let’s make a little video of our time together. A souvenir of our lustful venture for you to gaze upon at your discretion when you so choose. What say you, God of Thunder?”

“Aye milady. That sounds most agreeable to me. May I share our escapades with the team as well?” He inquires.

“You may. I have nothing to hide and honestly you may help me gain future escapades because of it. Share away my King.” You shrug.

“Your King.” He growls out. “Mmm I quite enjoy the sound of that spilling from your lips.” He runs his fingers up the insides of your thighs, spreading them further as he lowers himself to his knees, placing his head right before your glistening folds. “Now I shall feast like one.”

He licks a long stroke up your folds and suctions your pulsing button into his warm mouth. The fingers that were teasing your thighs continue their journey with the added buzz of random sparks of electricity dancing along your skin.

“Mmmm. You taste of the sweetest ambrosia.” He looks up at you, blonde beard shining with your slick as he licks his lips. “I fear I may never have my fill or find another taste quite like it.” He smirks before diving back in.

“Mmm Fuck! God of Thunder and Cunnilingus. Sweet Satan that tongue has some mighty tricks.” You feel your orgasm coming on quick as he plunges two thick fingers into your sopping slit and sends a jolt of his power right to your g spot.

That’s the magical ticket to unlocking a colossal orgasm, worthy of the god who bestowed it, out of you. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as you let yourself ride the erratic waves of your climax.

“I’ve had lesser partners pass out after an orgasm of that magnitude. You truly can take what I dole out it seems.” You watch as he licks you off his fingers. “Alas, I have a babbling mess to make out of you yet.”

He lifts you off of the counter and places you on your feet, turning you towards the wet spot you left dripping off the edge. “Bend over.” He commands.

Your body is telling you to do just that, but your bratty little brain demands otherwise. You glimpse over your shoulder making eye contact with the Demi God behind you and give your most mischievous smile. “Make me.”

You feel his growl resonate around the room like a dark thunderous cloud, as he gives your ass a hard smack. “With pleasure.” He grips the back of your neck, pulling you closer for a bruising kiss, before pushing your torso down on the counter, your nipples harden as they graze the damp surface.

His large hand gathers both of yours and places them against the base of your spine. With the other he takes his cock in hand and teases your entrance, dipping just the tip of his bulbous head in, watching your hips gyrate, trying to pull him inside. “So needy already.” He taps your clit twice. “Didn’t take much for that brattiness to go quiet.”

“You gonna gloat all night or are you gonna make me leave a mess all over your cock?” You spit out.

“There she is. The victory is so much sweeter when you fight against your submissive nature.” He slams his hips forward. Splitting you open on his meaty girth so suddenly, nothing leaves your mouth but a silent scream as your body adjusts. “Fuuuuck. Your cunt is so tight around my cock. If I’m not careful I may not last as long as I wish.”

“I don’t care. Just. Please. Fucking. Move.” You whimper out.

He begins fucking you hard and deep, gripping your hips tight, most likely leaving bruises behind. His balls swing into your clit with every thrust accompanied by little jolts of electricity, sending sparks throughout your core. You're screaming out from the pleasure, losing yourself in the perfect chaos your bodies are creating.

There’s this primal energy to Thor and you are all for it. “Look at you. Taking my cock so well.” He says between grunts. “It’s like your cunt was made just for me.” His thrusts are getting deeper and more shallow, like he’s trying to burrow himself deep inside you, leaving his mark behind so you’ll never forget him.

You involuntarily start to swivel and throw your hips back. Meeting him in the middle as he puts more power into each thrust, growling as he watches your ass jiggle each time your flesh connects.

He runs his right hand up your spine, making you arch like a cat in heat, until he reaches the base of your skull. His fingers tease along your skin before wrapping tightly around your throat. "Mmm yes. Fuck. Own me. Shut me up by choking me like the loud little slut I am."

He tightens his grip around your throat, almost cutting off your air supply completely. Making you even wetter. The edges of your vision are turning hazy. You're slick now covering your thighs. "I can feel how close you are. Making a mess on my cock already. Let's up the ante shall we."

The next thing you know you're being pulled up against his sweat dampened chest as he pounds into you with all his might. For a couple minutes all that can be heard is the sounds of your grunts and groans woven in with thunder and the music playing throughout the space.

The grip on your neck loosens for a brief moment, allowing you a much needed breath, as he leans his head down, grazing his lips against the shell of your ear, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. "Are you sure you're ready for this? Ready for me to fill you so full that you'll be dripping with my seed?"

He nips the spot behind your ear as you let out a little whine. He gives a harsh thrust and hits that sweet spongy spot like it’s his intended target, with an added jolt of electricity to your spine. Your eyes roll back into your head and any response that you had waiting on your tongue drifts away. You’re just a dickmatized mess.

“I asked you a question, Nyx?” He rotates his hips and buries himself deeper as you nod your head yes. Trying to get your brain to tell your voicebox to make words. “Uh, uh fair maiden. I need to hear your words on this one. Once you do. I promise, I’ll give you everything you want.”

Somehow, the hazy fog of carnal lust clears just long enough for your mouth to produce more than just whimpering moans. “Yes.” You whisper out just loud enough to get his attention. “I want it. I want to be filled to the brim with you so badly.”

It’s like your words, your acceptance of him in every way, puts a spell on him and the last remaining barrier holding back the full force of him is unleashed. “Then everything is what you shall have.” He growls out, taking on a new ferociously punishing pace. Arks of blue light dance along your skin as he lets his powers play.

A cacophony of mewls, moans, groans and growls, mixed with flashes of white and blue fills your den of sin. You have no idea how much time has passed when you start to feel that familiar coil in your core begin to tighten again, the stirrings of an orgasm on the horizon. Your walls establish a rhythmic squeeze, clamping down on the girth steadily carving out a path to your womb.

“Your greedy little pussy is gripping me so tightly. Barely letting me pull out at all. Give in to me. Cum all over my cock and I’ll fill you right up.” He grunts out.

“Fuuuuuck” You whine, legs shaking from the impending climax building beneath your skin. He wraps his arm around your waist, keeping you close as his own rhythm becomes erratic, losing himself to the very real instinct to breed you, making you all his, although he knows that could never be with a soul like yours.

It’s all too much and yet not nearly enough as your own instincts take over. Your skin is thrumming with the need for release, body strung tight as you ride the edge of his lightening. With a well placed twist of the hips and a direct shot to your g-spot you detonate.

Your vision blurs into shades of black and gray, a constellation of electric blue stars popping through like diamonds dissecting the night sky. Every muscle within your body tightens as you ride your high.

As you continue to shake from the intensity of your orgasm, the vice-like grip your pussy has on Thor’s length sets off his own powerful orgasm. With an almost inhuman roar he buries himself deep inside your quivering channel, tip penetrating your cervix, thick white ropes of his seed coating the walls of your waiting womb as his eyes glow white and lightning crashes around him.

The pleasurable pain brought on by his power, ratchets up your orgasm once more. If it weren’t for his arm wrapped tight around your ribs you surely would be a puddle on the floor by now. You can feel your limbs getting weaker with each wave that hits you. You feel like you could float away at any moment. Mind lost in a haze of euphoric bliss.

As he removes his arm from around your torso and dislodges himself from deep inside you, your jelly like legs have you sinking to the floor. Your eyes are glazed over as you hum and mumble to yourself as your hands ghost along your still tingling skin.

Having grabbed a warm washcloth from the bathroom, Thor returns to your prone frame. Before he cleanses his spend from between your legs he grabs his phone to take a few photos of the state he left you in.

You notice the device in his hand. “Put it on video my King.” He does as he’s told and watches you spread your legs wide and run your fingers through the mess you made together. He pans the camera up as he follows your cum soaked fingers making their way onto your waiting tongue. “Mmm. A sweet ambrosia indeed.” You wink at the camera right before Thor stops filming.

“You truly are a minx.” He growls out. “Let me clean you up before my instincts get the best of me again.”

“Normally I would tease you til you ravage me again but seeing as how I am but a fucked out mess currently, I shall behave.” You smile sweetly at him. “This time.”

“Glad to know I fulfilled my challenge.” With pride and mischief in his eyes you watch a dopey smile spread across the Gods face.

“And then some. I haven't felt this strung out in a long time. I might have to add you to my roster.” You chuckle out. “At minimum I need to see what it feels like to ride all that power instead of being ridden by it.”

“It would be my honor to make a mess of you again, milady.” He replies.

“Deal.” You smile. “Now hand me my tablet so I can grab all the best angles from my cameras for you viewing pleasure.”

He hands you the tablet as you quickly scan the debaucherous scene that just happened. With a quick cut and edit of all the best angles you work some techy magic and send it off to not only Thor but the team as well.

“Done. Oh and you don't have to worry about sharing it. I went ahead and sent it to everyone and created a group chat.” You nonchalantly say. “Never hurts to have so many attractive and powerful people on retainer.”

Before Thor can respond to your tricky ways your phones begin pinging with incoming texts.

Bruce: Holy shit!

Nat: Someone clearly has a high pain tolerance. Good to know 😉

Clint: I knew I should have stayed!

Steve: I have to admit that was hot as hell doll.

Bucky: Agreed Stevie! You look good lost in that pleasurable pain doll. Gives me some ideas.

Thor: Feels great too!

Tony: We are all in agreement that that was fucking hot. Now the real question is… Who gets next?

Nyx: That’s up to you all. First come, first serve. Let the debauchery begin 😈

#lunatic #avengers x reader #avengers smut #poc reader #thor x reader #thor smut

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knoxvilleforever · 2 years

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Enemies to Lovers with Ryan Dunn Headcanons

request: enemies to lovers w ryan dunn maybe ??

there was no disputing that ryan hated people

it was actually self proclaimed

and unfortunately when it came to you

you knew it all too well

you figured that some people just didn’t get along

and that was the case for you and ryan

but he couldn’t just get on with his dislike quietly

he had to make you aware of it

much to your discontent

you’d rather get through your day without having ryan follow you around just waiting to piss you off

like when you get into work in a morning

and he’s sat at your desk, actually with his feet propped up on your desk

in shoes that looked like he’d been dragged through a field in

or when you spent hours looking for paperwork that needed to be sent out today

only to find him stood watching you, very contently, with it shoved down the back of his pants

‘give it to me.’

‘you gotta come get it.’

you knew this could go on forever

so you swallowed your pride and went over to grab your paperwork that was ridiculously close to ryan’s ass

‘woah, y/n. take me to dinner first.’

ryan was out to make your life as difficult as possible

but it all came to a head when he took it too far

there was a very important meeting about jackass that your office was having within the next couple of days

and jeff told you it was extremely important that you had all the footage they wanted to present

along with paperwork like permits, waivers, contracts

to say you were stressed getting all of it together was an understatement

and you had multiple hard copies of the documents so you were prepared in case anything happened to them

meaning if ryan dunn happened

so the night before the big meeting, you were almost ready to leave work when you double checked you’d got your paperwork

only it wasn’t where you left it

and neither were the multiple copies you made

so after almost two hours of tearing apart your desk and almost the entire office

you were basically sat at your computer having a breakdown at this point

when you heard footsteps and saw the only person you were hoping wouldn’t show

ryan surveyed the state of the office

and your form with your head in your hands

and he thinks maybe, just maybe

this time he took it too far

‘looking for something?’

the rage that filled your chest at that moment was unknown

because there he was, with your multiple copies of paperwork, leaning against the door frame without a care in the world

you wanted to scream at him but there was no fight left in you

you just looked at him with silent tears in your eyes

‘is that how much you hate me?’

‘what?’

ryan hadn’t ever seen you like this

he liked to make you mad, he liked to hear you going off on him, and he really liked when you got so mad at him you had a crease in your brow that he wanted so badly to smooth out

but right now he was seeing none of that

‘do you want me to quit? is that what you want? because i can’t keep working like this, i can’t keep working knowing that someone hates me so much they either want me to quit out of stress or get me fucking fired by fucking with all the important shit i need.’

ryan was stunned into silence

‘i just don’t know what i did, to make you hate me so much.’

and now ryan was upset

his heart was aching because you’re in front of him crying and he’s so selfish for thinking you’re still beautiful when you cry

and you’re confused when he’s by your side and wrapping his arms around you

because you thought you’d squirm and push him away, but surprisingly it’s actually… nice

and you find yourself silently crying into his shoulder whilst he rubs your back soothingly, because he’s the reason your crying but he’s the reason you’re starting to feel better

‘i’m sorry. i’m just dumb and i liked pissing you off because then you’ll get mad at me and it’s cute when you’re mad but i didn’t wanna make you cry.’

‘you don’t think i’m cute when i’m nice?’

‘i think you’re cute all the time. even when you cry, but fuck i don’t ever wanna see it again.’

ryan helps you put the office back together

and after he’d apologised a million times

you fell into regular chat

and as much as you were pissed at him

it was nice and he was nice

it was well into the night by the time the two of you had finished

and you were perched on your desk thinking about how you’d be sat behind it again in less than eight hours

‘i’ll leave you alone, now. i promise i’m not gonna be a dick. and that’s a pretty big promise for me.’

you manage a laugh and to get out a small ‘thanks.’

‘and i could never hate you. not even close.’

‘you don’t?’

‘hell no. first, if i made you quit it’d be my ass on the line because this whole place can’t function without you. and i wouldn’t wanna do that because then i wouldn’t get to come to work and see you everyday.’

‘you mean you fuck with me because you like seeing me everyday?’

‘it wasn’t obvious?’

you shake your head slowly with a small smile

‘ah, well. i do it because i like you. why’d you think i did this when no one else was around? it definitely wasn’t so i could get a laugh out of you.’

you’re still in shock when he gives you a ride home that night

and so is he when you leave a kiss on his cheek and tell him you’ll see him in a couple of hours

#ryan dunn #ryan dunn headcanons #ryan dunn x reader #jackass #jackass headcanons #jackass x reader #knoxvilleforeverwriting

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virtualtrashcollector · 5 months

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🌼 Joker Comes for a Sleepover

Joker x Female (Dark Knight Joker, 5 Chapters total) 18+

Summary: You are a young kinky British woman working as a mechanic in Gotham for the Joker. Overhearing he needs a new place to stay, you decide to offer him your bed.

Warnings: 18+ VERY EXPLICIT. This story features lots of dirty words and situations! Reader discretion is STRONGLY advised. No minors please. Enjoy!!

Word count: 4,170

Note: I will post the next 4 chapters separately as some are quite long.

Chapter 1:

Standing in the rusted out doorway, you listened quietly as the conversation went on.

"Sorry boss but I gotta kick ya outta there, people are startin' to get suspicious. Askin' to go in that room but I can't let em, ya know?" Richie paused to look at his shoes. He was clearly nervous, his thickly accented voice waivered as he spoke.

"Fine fine whatever, I'll just find somewhere else to squat." J said emphatically while looking out the window at the orange setting sun.

"Sorry again boss." Richie waved awkwardly and turned. Walking past you, he smiled and gave you a gentle smack on the ass.

You simply stood for a moment and observed the man in the dirty purple suit. His messy greenish hair hung carelessly just above his slightly hunched shoulders. He sat perched on a stool in front of a large cracked window in the nearly empty room. The only furniture was a rusty metal desk covered in an assortment of various papers and ammunition. Everything in the room was bathed in a subtle orange glow.

"Did I hear correct?" You asked stepping forward into the room.

"You need somewhere to stay?" He turned to look at you. First with his head, and then the rest of his body. He smiled faintly, licked his lips and clicked his tongue. J's eyes locked with yours.

"You heard correctly." He said quietly while shifting slightly on the stool.

Making your way towards him, you tempted him.

"If you like, you could always stay with me. I have a guestroom." Now only mere inches away from him, his dark eyes drifted slowly down your torso to rest on your hips. You bent down slightly.

"Or you could just sleep in my bed. With me." A devious grin spread across his face as he looked up at you. He cocked his head slightly.

"Now that's an idea." He said in a deep serious tone.

"Then what are we waiting for?" You asked playfully. He stood and walked briskly over to the metal desk. J rifled through a pile of papers until he appeared to find what he was looking for, pocketed the page, and walked back over to you.

"Well I've got all my things, lead the way." He said gesturing for the door.

The sun was just dipping below the horizon as the two of you exited the decrepit warehouse. Soon it would be dark and the city would become a beautiful backdrop of lights and stars. Your black car sat at the far edge of the now empty parking lot. Everyone else had gone home a while ago. Taking the key fob from your purse and clicking it twice, the doors unlocked and you both got inside. After buckling yourself up you looked over at J.

"Nice car." He said looking impressed.

"Thanks." You replied shifting into reverse and backing out of the spot. Pulling out onto the street you began the journey home.

"I'm going to grab a coffee on the way out. Would you like one?" You asked him as you approached a Starbucks drive thru.

"Sure." He said simply.

"Black."

Now back on the road, piping hot coffee in hand, you turned up the radio a little and couldn't help but smile. It would be a lie to say you weren't excited about having your boss stay with you. The man had instantly captivated you with his theatrical style and unpredictable personality. It also didn't help that he was sexy as hell. He was taking large sips from his steaming cup, watching the city lights go by as the sky gradually got darker and darker.

Cruising down the highway, you were checking out a new billboard that had been put up the day prior, when you felt eyes on you. Turning to look at J, you immediately noticed he was looking at your breasts.

"Something the matter?" You asked acting coy. He shook his head and pursed his lips.

"Nope. Just like watchin' your tits bounce around." He replied matterafactly while continuing to admire you. Reaching over to him you placed your right hand on his crotch and began to rub gently.

"Mmmmm..... that's it." He moaned quietly encouraging you. You could feel him quickly becoming erect underneath his dirty pinstriped dress pants. Using your sharp black varnished nails, you traced the outline of his swollen cock slowly and methodically.

"Fuck." J exhaled through gritted teeth, never taking his dark eyes off of you. He grabbed your upper thigh and squeezed gently, his nails digging in a little.

After a few moments you abruptly removed your hand without warning and placed it back onto the wheel. He produced a small sound of protest and then groaned.

"Is that it?" He asked sounding frustrated. Looking over at him still erect, you responded.

"For now. Later I'm going to fuck you hard." He grinned wide and licked his lips, his eyes openly exploring every inch of your body.

"You know I'm gonna hold ya to that doll." He said in a deep velvety voice.

"Please do." You answered.

#joker x reader #dark knight joker #heath ledger joker #joker fanfiction #the dark knight #joker smut #heath joker #fanfic #romance #joker x oc #the joker #ledger joker x reader #heath ledger #dc joker #fanfiction

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mangoob · 4 months

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People I’d like to get to know better

Tagged by: @kaijubonemoisturizer and

@gods-sugar-daddy

Wowzers I ain’t never done something like this before! Thanks for the tag homeslice!

Last Song: New Way Out by Lemon Demon

Favorite color: RED!!!!! I love a good firey orange red!!!! Powerful color. Although I do love a nice pastel pink and mint green too

Currently watching: Scott Pilgrim Takes Off. Been doing reruns of the show for a minute now and by the show I mean just episode 5, I love Wallace. I want to commit tax fraud with him.

Also still clawing my way through shadowhunters. That show is show stressful for me, I gotta watch it like 2 minutes at a time. My tolerance for conflict and drama in my media is about how a slug can handle salt. I love silly vampire man though so I will make for him

If we mean this literally, as I type this, I’m watching a man try to increase the flammability of a mcnugget using chemistry in some seedy shed.

Last movie/tv show: last shows, see above, but as for my last movie it was a rewatch of Asteroid City!!!! Wes Anderson is my favorite genre of movie

Spicy/savory/sweet: the only thing I love more than drowning myself in custards and honey is chowing down on chilis and staring at myself in the mirror as I watch my face melt off. Even when my sweet tooth takes over I prefer spice to be involved. Actively working towards my local pizzeria’s habanero pizza challenge where you have to sign a waiver before eating the pizza

Relationship status: Single and fine with it! I gotta focus on myself first yknow (becoming public enemy number one and taking over the city with my army of geese. That’s only half a joke, you get to decide which half I mean)

Current obsession: Scotty P 😔 they shouldn’t have made such a magnificent triumph of a show and reminded me of that know nothing and his cohorts. I thought I was leaving him behind in middle school days. Now it’s mine and everyone else’s problem again (mostly my friends who I force to do cosplays with me, sorry guys. @kaijubonemoisturizer I’ll let you be Wallace)

Last thing I googled: “good good pictures of michael cera” I was pretty high

(The good good pictures I saved in question ⬇️ Still wondering why zooted me did, but hey at least google knew what I wanted):

Tagging: @gods-sugar-daddy @cryptid-on-a-string and anyone else who wants to!!!

#people i’d like to get to know better #txt post #fun facts #about myself #it’s fun!!!#I have to stop getting high alone

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dollarbin · 2 months

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Dollar Bin #33: Grace Slick's

Welcome to the WRECKING BALL!

Something you just gotta kneel down and submit to whatever The Dollar Bin offers.

I was down on my hands and creaky knees in my favorite shop a week or two back when I hit a vinyl goldmine: seven records I did not already own and knew I'd listen to at least once. Seven records for a dollar each. Seven!

Well, a lot of what I bought ultimately sounded pretty mediocre so calling it a goldmine is a stretch. I'm guessing you need a lot of iron to forge a wrecking ball big enough for Grace Slick to mount and crash about on so let's say I hit an iron mine. Check Grace out on the album's backside.

I'm guessing OSHA did not approve this photo shoot. But saying I hit an iron mine still doesn't sound quite right... After all, I suspect a lot of what I bought sucks: Stephen Stills 2 was in the stack. So maybe it was more like a tin mine? Tin doesn't sound like a valuable metal and, sorry Grace Slick, but ridiculous as your record appears it may win up not even worth a buck.

Even so, did I waiver before laying down my 93 pre-tax cents for Grace Slick's Welcome to the Wrecking Ball, an album which I knew absolutely nothing about from an artist who, apart from her early penchant for chasing rabbits and someone to love, is largely a mystery to me? Definitely not. After all, what the hell else are you gonna buy for 93 cents and then take any interest in? 1/8th of a burrito?

And there's always the chance that a record which looks this wacky will have songs that are equally bonkers. And bonkers is good, yeah? Slick on the cover looks like she'd spent the day as an extra for a B grade zombie flick featuring a lot of smoke machines. And I love how Slick's name and the album's title were slapped on post production, perhaps by a real zombie. What's more, she's standing prominently on Steiner Avenue. And that has got to mean something. Right? Maybe? Please tell me this a big, well thought through concept record, every line and every sound and every image dedicated to one silly cause...

Including the gatefold image; what's Slick out to smash here? The patriarchy? Stephen Sills? Us? Man, I'm getting excited.

There are no Captain and Tennelle and their corpulent dog records framed on the walls of my home as ironic testaments to my wit; nor do I own any savvy Hanging With My Gnomies or Dogfather tees that proclaim my sardonic depths. But who the hell would have a record collection and not want to own this record based on its looks alone?

It's not strictly true to say that I don't know anything about Slick post Jefferson Airplane's debut record, the one which features the aforementioned two songs that everyone knows. I got a copy of Bark, their 71 record, out of the Dollar Bin the same day I picked this little number up and it sounds... unimpressive.

To begin with, that album's vinyl has more flexibility to it than the quinoa tortilla I tried to eat for lunch today; seriously, I could wrap up some beans and rice in my copy of Bark record and call it lunch (I guess I should add a fish head or two based on that record's cover).

Those quinoa tortillas, on the other hand, would be right at home on my turntable, and they might ultimately sound better than Welcome to the Wrecking Ball. (Fair reader, I'm still getting up the courage to finally drop the needle on this thing; I promise to do so before we're done.)

But Grace Slick deserves my respect and open mind, and I'm going to give it to her. After all, she helped me learn how to dance. For reasons that are now lost in the sands of time I went to an 80's elementary school in which the mothers and the cool kids decided that dance parties, complete with placing our mostly chaste hands on each other's hips for slow dances (one poor young lady had to dance every one of those with an insistent and utterly uncool me for three straight years; sorry Amy!), were meant to start in the 4th Grade.

Seriously! Starting at age 10 we'd gather together for birthday parties at the Badminton Club or in someone's backyard with the most intense of the cool kid's older brother as DJ (he'd do a steamy lip sink to Shout! mid-party; we'd all freak out with awe. That dude probably sells commercial real estate these days and actively fantasizes about building a time machine so he can go back and repeatedly relive the greatest moments in his life at those parties, during which he was a cheesy, corpuscled combination of Marty McFly, Ferrris Bueller and the Fonz to all us kids) and go two steps left and two steps right with a clap accompanying each motion to everything from Buffalo Soldier to, you got it, We Built This City on Rock and Roll, Slick's incredibly regrettable 85 anthem about the pressing need for more easily accessible rock clubs in everyone's hometown which routinely tops "Worst Song of All Time" lists.

Did we think We Built This City on Rock and Roll was the worst song of all time back in 4th grade? Heck no. Often, some of the 4 foot tall cool kids would mount party tables and dance on them during the track, belting out the lyrics in their smurf voices. We were a pack of 4th grade white kids and we were actively building a city on rock and roll in real time. And it was awesome. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever even heard the song as a grown up, and I'm not plastering it here. Play it in your own blog; I'm listening to it in my ten year old brain, and it's working some serious magic.

And so, Grace Slick deserves the benefit of the doubt! Let's drop the needle and see what her wrecking ball of a dollar bin record has in store for us.

Holy Freakin' and Sagging Space Balls. This record sounds like Joan Jett, only inexplicably worse; it sounds like Poison covering Motley Crew while on speed; it sounds like Tesla's, (we're talking about the band here, not the automobile; and why we're at it, are the members of Tesla sitting around right now even richer than Elon all because they copywrited their band's name?), follow up to their even-then-it made-me-apoplectic record Five Man Acoustical Jam entitled Listen to Us Destroy All Sense of Purpose Within You With Our Glam Rock Ninja Moves (okay they don't really have a record by that name; I made that up; but they do have a record entitled Bust A Nut, and I'd argue, without any basis of knowledge whatsoever, that that record sounds a lot like Welcome to the Wrecking Ball).

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This song sounds like what they'd play in the concourse area before a Donald Trump rally: everyone's standing around bumping each other's fists behind their wrap around sunglasses indoors, no one has sleeves on their shirts, and everyone wishes they could get a pair of red, white and blue Trump brand solid gold sneakers for their very own; and of course they all know Jesus will soon descend once again, only this time he'll rock a polyester jumpsuit and go agro on everyone who doubts the Donald.

To be fair, there's nothing here to suggest that Slick was a Republican; I'm making unfair analogies. But there's also nothing here to suggest that Slick had any capacity for making music anyone would ever enjoy listening to. Come on, you decide: does a song like this give you any version of pleasure?

What's worse, I can't find anything on the record that's actually as good as the title track. Slick sings, or perhaps declaims is a better word for it, about how much she loathes music critics, then moves on to describe dominatrices with their hands on the whip who have the devil in their heart and so on; then she lays this on us:

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Slick chases us around the stereo space while we flee in terror; listen to the guitar soloist prance, pose and persuade us to reconsider everything we hold sacred; and then, at the end of the song, listen to everyone go totally nuts. I hear screams, laser beams and drum drops; I hear the effects of a lot of coke. Or maybe Slick was just going all in a few years early, trying to come up with something that would get fourth graders to dance on tables. Because we absolutely would have done so to this song.

Someone, please, call Alice; tell her to bring the doormouse. I want my 93 cents back.

#grace slick #jefferson airplane #Youtube #stephen stills sucks #we built this city on rock and roll #go ask alice #tesla the band #joe freakin' lala

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