#my sister lives two hours away and my only other friend i reliably hang out woth just moved to ashland | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sasa-gay-yo · 3 years

Text

Just Us (Chapter Eleven: Break Up)

← Chapter Ten

“A little higher, yes, right there! Now to the left, put the nail right below that truss. Perfect! I’ll hand you the sign.” I reached down and picked up the newly polished piece of wood with the cafe’s name on it in a fresh coat of paint for the year-end opening.

Flynn’s

Jonas took it in his hands and hung it up on the new wooden post. This time, it would hang off over the street so that people could see where we were. Before, the sign was nailed next to the door and was now fading drastically. While I kept the old sign there for memories, the new sign was a fresh red color and had been sealed by the carpenter to make sure it lasted longer than the last one. It was something I had meant to do for years, but never got around to it. Now that I was just sitting and making bread for the refugees, I had time to design the shape and font I wanted. The sign was a light wooden rectangle with dark, red cursive lettering and had another small circular sign with a cup of tea attached to it, indicating we were a café.

“It looks nice, Eva. You picked a good wood to contrast the letters,” Ben marveled up at it as Jonas came down from his ladder. Whenever I had added or changed something about the café, I asked Ben his thoughts about it, seeing he was the only one, second to me, who cared the most about it. When I went to him saying I was buying a new sign, he rejoiced.

Jonas shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up at it too. He couldn’t grasp why this was such a monumental change to Ben and I who had to fight Mr. Flynn to even make a sign in the first place. There weren’t many visitors to Trost when he had built the café, but when we came along, things were changing and he hated it. The first time Catrin gave out fresh squeezed juice, he grumbled about it for weeks saying a café should just have bread and coffee. It was funny, but if we left Mr. Flynn alone with his precious café, he would have ran it into the ground.

“You think he hates it?” I looked up to Ben and he nodded and mirrored Jonas’s stance. There was almost some undertone of weirdness being friends with Jonas because when he hit puberty, he morphed into a younger version of Ben. It was also a bit awkward that the mirror image of my brother still had feelings for me. Maybe that was one of the reasons I didn’t see Jonas as someone other than my best friend or another brother. They looked too similar.

“Most definitely. The old man is rolling in his grave right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if a strong winter wind knocked it down.” We stood there for a few, marveling at the sign as the sun went down. Jonas was the first one to whine it was too cold and we took that as a sign to go back into the café. I still had to clean up and get ready for opening tomorrow. Ben and Jonas had promised to help me run the café tomorrow to hold off the rush of people coming.

When I took out an add in the paper to announce my holiday hours, people had flocked to my door, there to confirm if the newspaper was right. When I told them I was, in fact, opening back for year-end only, people were already trying to put in orders. I think the people of Trost wanted normal back, and my café would give them some of it.

“So the Garrison just dropped you like that? Without any warning?” Jonas swept some dirt into the dust pan.

“It wasn’t like, out of the blue. I knew it was coming. They have nothing to give me for pay and I demanded pay. I would have done it for a few more weeks as well, just for the refugee’s sake, but with the allotted flour for year-end, I just couldn’t continue without them giving me their stores. I wish they did it a little after year-end though so I could have brought pastries to the refugees. Maybe next year will be a better harvest.” Ben looked up from the book he was reading and moved his feet so Jonas could sweep under them. Jonas mumbled something under his breath about his father not doing anything, but he left it unnoticed.

“Could you just show up with some things? Maybe you could make enough to give the children?” Ben had also worked closely with the refugees, trying to help outsource jobs and employment opportunities for them when people still trusted them. By now, no one would take in refugees for work.

“No, they aren’t letting any outsiders into the stockyards now. That might be another reason I can’t make bread anymore. I have no idea why they’re doing that, and I hope it’s not another isolation policy because Trost citizens are complaining again. I even asked a person in the Garrison who likes me, and he said he couldn’t say.” Jonas, again, grumbled something under his breath, probably about the refugees, and I threw a rag at his head.

“Hey!”

“You are almost thirty years old and have no regard for other human lives. Tch!” He threw the rag back at me a little harder and glared. Ben just looked on, smirking at the two kids he was used to bickering back and forth. Ben had said the first day he introduced Jonas to me, he knew we’d be best friends and perfect enemies.

“Well, we always seem to forget that two refugees attacked you and that our food supply is little to none because we have to give half of it to them. It’s not just Trost either, Aunt Catrin told us that Stohess is also struggling with the weight of a whole district. We’ll be starved by next spring, the titans won’t even want to eat us!” I put down my rag and just sighed, glaring at him as he swept quickly, wanting to get out of the café. Jonas had broken up with his third girlfriend of the year and he wasn’t in the mood to have a heated argument session with the girl that was still pushing him away. That was the reason she had broken up with him: he still had feelings for me. I was afraid to bring up Levi to him because of this, but I wanted to tell him. Everyday, I would get more and more uncomfortable lying to him.

“I’m sure the titans don’t want to eat you anyways, Jonas.” He stopped sweeping, glaring at the ground. Uh oh.

“I guess no one wants me then.” It was Ben’s turn to widen his eyes at his son’s sadness. He had spent a few minutes lecturing Jonas about how long it took Ben to find Analee, but it didn’t help soothe his sadness. In all honesty, Analee was Ben’s first girlfriend and he got her pregnant before they were even married and both eighteen. He wasn’t the right person to give his son advice and neither was I. We both agreed to just forget Jonas said that and move on with whatever we were doing.

“Well, you two, I’m going to get back home. Your sister was adamant I help her build that new desk before tomorrow. I’ll be here tomorrow at opening, Eva, like old times. Don’t come back late Jonas, or you’ll wake up your mother.” I smiled up him, casting away the mood Jonas put me in, and waved to my brother. Ben and I were the closest, probably because of our locations too, and I always felt calm when he was around me. He was the most like Mr. Flynn. Jonas was such the opposite, and I’d always wondered how Ben had made him.

When he left and the bell stopped ringing above the door, Jonas and I just let the silence consume us. At this point, he wasn’t even sweeping up dirt, but he didn’t want to talk to me in the bad mood he was in. Did she really have to break up with him when I was about to spend every day of the next week with him? It had nothing to do with his feelings for me, but everything to do with the awful mood he’d be in. Last break up, I had to pull him from the bar at least three times, waste a pale of water to sober him up, and he fell asleep completely on top of me, cutting off my breathing. I had told Levi about this and he threatened to break off his fingers in letter form, even if it was back when we were eighteen. Levi gave Jonas no chances.

“How many people do you think will be here tomorrow?” He broke the silence first and I was glad he’d changed the subject. I could talk to a regulars Jonas.

“I couldn’t say. I’ve had at least thirty come to the café in the past week asking. I don’t think there will be a lot of people at the tables, but most will be coming in and out.” He nodded and set the broom down, sitting with it. He’d probably swept the floors twice, but I guess the extra cleaning won’t hurt.

“My dad’s been on my ass about learning how to work at the café. Something about character building…” Sounds like Ben. Well, sounds like Mr. Flynn, but same person.

“I wouldn’t mind the extra help. Elias can’t really count money reliably enough to let me bake while he runs orders. I let him just take things in and out of the oven and to customers. Sometimes, I’ll even let him use the mixer. Elias is getting that vital character development. I’ve also thought about giving him this job when he gets old enough so he doesn’t have to work under his father.” I jumped back up on the counter and forgot I had just cleaned it. I’ll do it more tomorrow.

“I hated this place as a kid. Grandpa always forced us to clean if we were staying with him and Duran tried to always beat me up for no reason. When I was old enough to get my own job, I was ready to leave it behind. Funny to think the kid likes it here. I guess since you’re basically his older sister, it’s probably a you and dad situation.” Jonas and his younger sister were forced to come help at the café since Mr. Flynn was getting older. Duran would always run off somewhere and I stayed and baked, so Mr. Flynn needed some others to do the dishes and lift heavy boxes. Jonas stayed because I stayed. The café work at least helped Jonas prepare for delivery work at Reeve’s.

“I loved this place, still do, but you know that already. It wouldn’t be mine if I didn’t like it.” He rolled his eyes, knowing how much I stupidly fell in love with the bakery at one point. It was during secondary school when Mr. Flynn’s lessons of life actually go through to me. I was finally getting out of the Underground depression and having a purpose fueled me. The bakery was something I did every day, almost every hour, and sometimes neglected my school work to do it. I had finally found something that was mine and I wasn’t going to let any amount of slacking take it away from me.

“Do you think you’ll stay here forever? I mean, like Grandpa did. Pass it on to your kids and what not.” I nodded, looking out at the hanging sign in a crack of the front window blind.

“There’s nowhere else I want to really go. I have everything I need here in Trost and I can go visit the other districts when I want. Plus, we’ve already lost four places I can go, so it’s slim pickings for retail locations. If I somehow don’t end up having kids and Elias takes my offer, I’ll give it to him probably. ” He hummed in agreement and leaned back in his chair, tilting the front legs of the floor. This reminded me of when we were in school and Mr. Flynn would make us close up for him when he wanted to sleep early. We’d clean and then sit here talking for hours about anything. I’d force Jonas to help me with math homework and sometimes pay him to do it. After Jonas got a job, it would be just me closing. It’s been a long time since this ex-tradition has occurred, so it was mildly comforting. We sat like that for a while, just staring somewhere in the café, probably thinking about when we were young.

Mr. Flynn acted like he hated us, but I knew a day never went by when he didn’t smile down at us and was thankful we were there. Jonas, Duran, and I were a lot to handle sometimes, but it was just the joys of youth. I would pay to go back them, too. Just to be able to tell myself that I needed to remember times like this, because when I was older, it would all change. I would be alone in the café.

“You know, Dad wants us to get together. He said it’s the thing that makes the most sense.” I sighed. There goes the comforting feeling that we’d just developed. Goddamn it, if he didn’t have to mention that, I would have had a great night, even a drink or two to celebrate opening. Now, his attitude changed and he suddenly wanted to talk about feelings. Didn’t you just get broken up with?

Ben had even taken me aside after Wall Maria fell and mentioned to me what he thought was right. Humanity’s time seemed to be fleeting and it wouldn’t be fun to die without a family. I fended him off, not telling him that I was not alone and very much in a relationship, but he would still leave hints here and there. Today was one of those days talking about keeping the café in the family and remembering the times when little kids ran around the tables. He’d even start telling us stories of how him and Analee would take care of the café as it’s first employees and how they fell in love. He was hoping the same thing would happen to Jonas, and that’s why he was forcing him to work here now. That was probably the only thing Ben and Jonas agreed on.

“He’s mentioned it to me a few times. I’ve always told him no, but I guess when he gets his mind set on something you can’t tell him to lay off of it.” I looked warily at Jonas, trying to gage where this conversation was going. Why does it always have to be around year-end when he tries to pull all of this stuff? Wasn’t he just crying about his girlfriend breaking up with him yesterday? Now he’s talking about how bad Ben wants us to get married?

“You know what I think about it. If you gave me a chance then may-” I cut him off before he could dig himself into a deeper hole. How could I tell him he wasn’t the one for me without telling him about Levi? While Levi and I weren’t nearly as serious as our time together would allow, his letters have shown me no reason to think we’d be ending our relationship soon. I was busy with bread and the café, he was busy with training, and at the end of the day we would sit down and write letters to each other, looking out at the same moon over Trost. It wasn’t the best situation, but it wasn’t one that was so hard I’d give into Jonas’s easy way.

“Jonas, you also know my opinion. You’re like my brother or my cousin. We were raised together and you look almost exactly like Ben. I don’t need to keep listing out reasons to hurt your feelings more.” He sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

“I know, but it’s just… Actually, I don’t know what it is. Never being able to advance your relationship with someone you have feelings for? Always getting into relationships you know will end because you don’t really like the girl? Maybe, I’m just tired of doing that.”

“You’ll find someone, Jonas. You just aren’t looking in the right places. What was the girl’s name? Nana? Nora? Whatever it was she was annoying and self-centered.” I laid back on the counter looking up at the ceiling. I wasn’t going to be able to cheer him up like this forever because it’s always at the expense of me not liking him. He makes me feel like all of these breakups are my fault.

“She wasn’t you.” There it is. The direction we were going to.

“You need to stop thinking about me, Jonas. What do you need me to say or do so that you move on from me?” I put my arm over my eyes, trying to stop the headache that I knew was about to come soon. I guess he was holding this in for a few months since he was dating that girl. It started with an N, I know that for a fact.

“No clue, Ev, but when I find it, I’ll tell you. If knowing that you’re in love with the Captain of the Scouts doesn’t deter me, I don’t know what will.” My eyes snapped open.

“If knowing what?!” What the hell does he know? There’s a very serious possibility that he was sneaking around and found the letters in my desk. Maybe he saw Erwin’s letter carrier handing me the envelope? It didn’t make sense that he would know from Levi and I’s actions because he was pretty cold to me when Jonas was around. We’d taken most of the precautions we needed to. It had to just be his hunch… but his hunch was right.

“I heard you that one night when he was bandaging you. There was just… something didn’t sit right with me when I was leaving. I sat there outside of the café listening to you two for what felt like hours. That confirmed it for me, but I still can’t believe it until it comes out of your own mouth. I guess I’m not good enough for you, Eva, but how could you fall for a Scout? I didn’t think you were that stupid.” The anger enveloped me as he said that, but I knew what he was saying was from deep down inside. If he knew this long, his heart beat with anger at every and any mention of the Scouts. His unexplained hatred for their presence in the last few months now made sense. Every time he saw a Scout he was reminded that even though they die young, are never around, and go on suicide missions, I’d rather pick that over him.

Laying there on that counter with Jonas’s eyes on me… it made me uncomfortable. Every layer of privacy and secrecy was shed in front of him now knowing that he knew for that long. That means he must have noticed the letters. Noticed how I always cleaned Levi’s table twice and had peppermint tea stocked even when the café was closed. He might have even heard me crying at night over how much I just wanted to see Levi again when he’d crashed on my couch… and every time I did that, he wanted it to be him.

I couldn’t deny our relationship and try to make him feel better about himself. He knew and had heard everything we had said to each other that night. I’d have to face this feeling head on and I didn’t want to. I just didn’t want to tell Jonas that it will never be him. It was better to have him in limbo and still have my friend then to break his heart completely and never see him again. Jonas was my first friend and is my best friend. He was there the first day I was above ground. He was there for me when Samias broke my heart. He knows almost everything about me, but here I was about to lose him over something I couldn’t control. I wasn’t going to give up Levi so that Jonas would feel better.

That probably hurt him even more though; me lying to him about Levi.

“How much are you going to hate me after I tell you everything?” I was hesitant to tell him anything. I know deep down he wanted to know all about Levi and I. He wanted to see where his shortcomings were and judge Levi’s actions and intent. He wanted to be able to reach deep down and find some string of hope in one of Levi’s downfalls. However, this emotion he’s had was pent up for months.

“I’m never going to hate you, Ev. That’s the problem.” I let the tears fall then and curled up into a ball on the counter top. This wasn’t the Jonas I liked talking to. This was the Jonas that made you feel every emotion he was going through too so that you gave him pity. You wanted to love Jonas because you didn’t want to see your best friend hurting like this. It was my fault that he was hurting and I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t do what he wanted me to.

I knew he was in pain when he didn’t move to comfort me like he usually does. Whenever I would cry, he would always be next to me, a soothing hand on my back. I would never shy away from it before, but looking at the situation now, I wish I would have created that distance. It was good that he didn’t do that because it would have made the situation worse. We just sat there and I tried to mute my cries with my arm. It wasn’t working.

“One day he’s going to die, Eva. If he doesn’t leave you before that.” Now he was trying to hurt me directly. Maybe he thought if he broke me enough, I’d go to him and not Levi.

I didn’t answer him as I was too busy choking on my tears.

“He won’t marry you. He won’t give you kids. He can’t give you anything you want in the future if he knows someday he won’t have one.” I wanted to beg him to stop. He doesn’t think at night, when all I have are the thoughts to pull me out of loneliness, I don’t think about all of this? Will I be happy with just Levi or will I want more and he can’t provide that? Can I not be up to his standards? After Hange mentioned kids, I thought about how horrible it would be for them to live in a world like this. We’re fighting to stay alive and to eat, and their father would be gone for months on end. I didn’t want to think about the future and Jonas was forcing me to. All the negative emotions I tried to push back in these past months were coming to the surface with every word.

“Does he really like you or are you there just to fulfill his fantasy of a relationship? What man leaves the woman he loves alone for six months?” I clenched my jaw hard. His words started to stab too deep.

“Shut up.” It was soft and muffled by the sounds of my tears, but he heard it. He was waiting for my response. He wanted to see if I agreed or not; to see if he broke me enough.

“Eva, I know you know what I’m saying is the truth. It’s best to stop this game of pretend before it’s too late.”

Pretend.

I pull my hands into fists and shot up on the counter. I was angry again now. He didn’t get to call my relationship a game. Whatever feelings of loneliness or sadness that Jonas wanted to make me feel had left instantly as he mentioned playing pretend.

“You are the one who’s playing pretend! Pretending that I’ll come around and pick you. Jonas, if I wanted you, it wouldn’t have taken over ten years to realize it!” This time his face contorted into some type of negative emotion. His plan didn’t work. I didn’t cave like I normally do.

“You’re pressuring me into something that I don’t want to do all because you don’t like that Levi makes you feel inferior. He’s stronger, smarter, and now he’s taken your girl from you. You know why? Look at this,” I gestured to him with both of my hands, “Levi has never talked to me at me like this. He would never call me stupid or try and insult me enough to change my mind. You’re right, I haven’t seen him for six months, but in that time he’s written more sincere words than you have ever said to me. I don’t care what Levi does and doesn’t give me, and I know you won’t be able to give me what I want either. Not like this!” I threw my left hand to my side and took the silence to catch my breath.

“Eva.” It was angry and heavy. He wasn’t ready for me to come back at him like that. He never thought I could talk to him like he talks to me.

“I have supported you through everything you have done. The countless girlfriends, the times when you were kicked out of your house, when you didn’t have a job; I was the one who comforted you and took you in. Now, I make a decision that hurts your feelings and you can’t live with it? You have to degrade me for who I choose to date, only because it’s not you?!” He stood up too, the chair flying back and hitting the floor. He stood almost a foot above me, but I wasn't backing down.

“You will never understa-”

“You’re right, Jonas. I will never love you the way that you love me, and I will never understand how you treat someone you love like this.”

It was tonight. I had always thought about when this would end. When Jonas and I would stop playing pretend. When I would stop pretending not to see how he looks at me across the café. When I would stop pretending that my best friend didn’t only have feelings for me and wouldn’t choose anyone else. When I would stop pretending I didn’t have to hurt him like this one day. Tonight was the night this friendship ended because he couldn’t pretend we were just friends anymore.

“How long have you been with him?” The air had quieted and so did his voice. His face was now a mixture of anger and sadness, and he turned his eyes to look at the ground. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say when answering the question, but I was done hiding it from him. Even if it hurt him, he had to know. He had to stop playing pretend and be snapped into the reality he lived in.

“Around Spring Equinox till now.” His fist clenched harder.

“So you missed Spring Equinox with us to be with him?” I thought about this moment the day I didn’t show up. He never asked me where I was when he saw me and he must have assumed I just didn’t want to go out then. I’d even told Levi that I was going to be in a weird situation if Jonas asked me where I was and he helped me make a plan. A plan to lie to him. I guess that plan just flew out the window.

“He was injured and I was taking care of him. I wasn’t going to leave him,” I let the last line out, underlaid with some remorse. I was angry with what he was saying and how he was coming at me, but I was at fault too. I should have told him sooner or at least tried to distance myself.

“I don’t think I’m going to be in tomorrow, Eva.” He said, still not looking up at me. This was the softest he had even been. I think now he knew he couldn’t sway me towards him. He was giving up.

“Jonas-”

“No,” he held his hand up, finally looking at me with the faint gleam of tears in his eyes, “I’m going to be sick tomorrow and maybe the next day. So, don’t come looking for me.” He turned his back and I had to stop my hand from reaching out and touching his shoulder. I was angry at him, but unlike him I didn’t see this as a reason to end our friendship. It was coming, yes, but it didn’t have to end here. We’d change something. We’d adapt. He was acting like he’d completely given up that.

“Jonas, you’re still my best friend.” He stopped at the door and straightened up. He was stiff and lifeless when he answered. It was fake and he was hiding his true emotion. If he turned around, what expression would I see on his face?

“I know.”

The door opened and closed, the bells ringing twice above it. With the windows closed, I couldn’t see if we walked away and I didn’t go up to the door in fear of him just sitting on the stoop. I didn’t want to hear his tears. Jonas rarely cried and I didn’t want to know that I was the person who did it to him.

I turned to look at the clock at the back wall. It was nearly one.

Anger. At him. At myself. Sadness. For him. For losing my best friend in some shape or form. Regret. For not telling him any sooner. But, if I told him, wouldn’t the situation still end up like this? He would yell at me, I would cry, and he would tell me how irrational it was to love someone like Levi. A fantasy he called it. It set the seed of doubt in my head. Levi hadn’t loved or liked before as far as I knew, not to the capacity we’ve set up. Was he really just using this as a test run?

I put my towel down on the table and decided I didn’t want to be in the café anymore. I wanted to be in my bed, two blankets over me, thinking over and over again the conversation I had with Jonas. Where did I go wrong? When? I wouldn’t sleep tonight and I would be sluggish in the morning when Ben came. Ben was smart, too. He would probably connect the dots between Jonas’s absence and my attitude, but at least he never questioned.

Walking up the back stairs, I tried to listen to see if Jonas was still there. Maybe something would pull me to go back to him and try to talk it out. I don’t think this issue can be talked over though. It was going to be the way it was. As of now, it was Levi and I, not Jonas and I. It would take Jonas months to turn around or feel like talking to me. It may not go back to normal.

That thought stopped me on the last wooden step. What would I do if Jonas and I never went back to normal? He was a big part of my day and of my life. Every holiday, every arithmetic question I couldn’t answer, every broken heart; I was with him. It made so much sense to be with him permanently, but that’s not how life wanted it to be. If I was to be with Jonas, I was sure, it would have happened already. I would have feelings for him to the same degree he has for me.

Maybe we shouldn’t go back to normal as that normal was fake. Pretend. Would it hurt Jonas more to act that way, knowing that Levi was one step ahead of him in every regard? Or, would it be better for him to keep distance and ignore me so he won’t have to deal with the pain he feels every time he’s around me now?

I shook my head and walked in. This was for me to think about, slightly drunk, and in two hours.

“Here, for you.” Levi handed me a single flower as we sat in the meadow. He had found it on the ground next to where we were sitting and I laughed a little at the gesture before putting it on my ear. He looked at it too and smiled faintly, going back to look at the Scout HQ that was quite a distance away. No one would see us on our way back to Trost.

I told Levi that I wanted to stop and sit since it was such a nice day. The spring was bringing warm winds to our area, and the whole time I had been with him we were inside his dimly lit office. We were far away enough from Trost and the HQ to be alone and outside. I thought of Jonas and the Equinox today. Where would he be sitting out here?

“Thank you, Captain.” He laid back, still wincing a little at the pain in his ribs. The horse ride was a bit too much for him to handle, and we had to walk our horses out here to the open meadow. No doubt he would bear the pain to get me to the gates of Trost before we parted. Maybe I would convince him to walk so we had more time together.

“After this expedition, I would like to start.” I looked over to him, putting a piece of the Scout’s cracker ration in my mouth. Did he have some hobby?

“Start what?”

“Trying to be yours. I have no experience being in a relationship with someone, therefore, when I can give you my full attention, I will do that. I’ve never made you food. I will do that first.” It made my heart strangely warm, him always announcing his intentions. Maybe he felt that they needed to be approved. He was so apprehensive about anything, and he was not used to being wrong. In this uncharted territory, he needed to make sure he was right before he executed anything. So, I nodded.

“I’m not picky when it comes to food.” Once he got his confirmation, he went to stand up. I just looked up at him as he did it.

“Yes?” He put out his hand for me to take it. I just stared up at him again, smiling. I’d tease him a bit more because he was leaving soon.

“So does that mean we’re really dating?” He rolled his eyes and his hand dropped. The nice gesture went away.

“Did I not make it clear before? I said I required monogamy.” I shook my head, no.

“You have to ask me. You can’t just command me into a relationship with you.” He cocked up an eyebrow.

“Ask? Why do I need to ask you when you already know?” I rolled my eyes at him and took another bite of the cracker.

“We aren’t dating until you ask me to be your girlfriend.” He scoffed.

“Girlfriend is a word for teenagers. We are almost thirty.”

“Ask me.”

“No.”

“You have to.”

“No, I don’t.” I huffed and turned my head to the other side, faking anger. I knew he probably wasn’t going to do it anyways, and I didn’t really care, but it would be fun to hear.

“Ask me or I’ll just sit here all day,” I said, folding my arms. There was no protest, or huff of annoyance. He was probably standing there with the same pose I had, just waiting for me to get this idea out of my head.

Huff. Huff. Huff.

“Don’t tell me you-” I turned and screamed, scrambling to get away from what was to my right. It stood there, his body broken in it’s mouth. His eyes were stained with blood, and were looking at me, begging me to do something, anything.

The titan crunched down once more on Levi’s body, and only a puff of air came out of his mouth. Not a cry for help. His body went limp, eyes wide staring into my soul.

Help. Help. Help.

I shot up, holding my head. My body was shaking and I was afraid to open my eyes. The bustle of customers could be heard below and I knew I had fallen asleep late in the morning and overslept till now. Ben would be holding the customers down fine, and I needed the extra minutes to calm myself down.

Was that dream an omen? Was he dead?

It left a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn’t shake, so I got up to get water. I needed to get this taste out of my mouth. Once I drank the water, I leaned over the sink and it came right back up. The shaking of my body stopped after I’d thrown up, but the feeling in my stomach was still there. Maybe I was just hungover. I had a whole bottle of wine while thinking my life away last night. Usually I was fine, but the emotions tied to the amount of alcohol I had could be making my stomach twist and turn.

Setting the cup down, I quickly went to put on clothes and try to put something on my face to cover the dark circles. The clock was at ten, and I knew that soon Ben would hear my footsteps upstairs using his years of training his ears to identify the creaks of this building and yell up at me to come down. If Jonas really wasn’t here, he was having to remember how to make various coffee drinks himself.

One day he’s going to die, Eva.

I help my stomach again, trying to position myself over the bathroom sink and not get the face powder all over the floor. When nothing came up, I tried to push that thought out of my mind and finish covering the dark circles under my eyes. To a trained eye, aka Ben, you could easily see through the layer of powder. Hopefully, it will last all work day so I won’t get comments on my tiredness. Those were my least favorite.

“Eva!” It was muffled by the floorboards, but with one quick look in the mirror, I went to walk to the door.

Does he really like you or are you there just to fulfill his fantasy of a relationship?

Stopping on the stairs, I leaned over the railing, hoping that if I did vomit again, it would be away from a window so the customers didn’t notice a projectile falling from the sky. I’d have to get another drink of water before I started or else this hangover was going to kill me.

I pushed the back door open, taking a look at the plastic one that separated me from the café. People were in there, sitting, talking, and buying pastries. I could hear them and it scared me. My first day open, and I’m in this condition? That wasn’t going to be the best look for business. I was also scared because this was the first customer rush I had in months. It was like my first day running the shop all over again.

This time my stomach bubbled up with nerves and before I could turn back outside, Ben opened the door peeking in at me. He definitely saw the condition I was in, and had to take a double take. Now, the dots started to connect in his head. Did Jonas look like this to when Ben tried to wake him up only to discover he was “sick”?

“There’s a line of people out here waiting to be served and to talk to you. I suggest you hurry out, yeah?” I just stared at him and nodded once, tying the matching apron around my middle.

“Yeah.” Even my voice was shaking. He closed the door again and I picked up a random cup, filling it with water from the sink, and downing it in a few seconds. I coughed once, hoping it would help my throat, and despite my stomach, I walked out into the main café.

“Eva!”

“Miss Eva, it’s been so long!” The crowd of people at the counter greeted with smiles, and I did my best to give one back. It was comforting, their words, but my stomach still felt like shit. So did my head. And my arms. And legs. Either way, I willed myself to the crowd that was blocking my view into the café. Ben had done a good job curbing them because he didn’t know how to make a latte.

“It’s a good thing you’re here, Eva. Ben’s a little rusty.” I smiled to the man who’s order I had memorized, but not his name, and took the personal cup he had in his hands. Ben tended the money while I turned my back to make the drinks.

“I’ll pass, you make, pass back?” I turned over my shoulder to nod at him and this new angle made me catch a view of the table. The Wings of Freedom were draped over the chair and he was leaning back with the new addition of a book in his hand. There was no cup in front of him, nor was he staring out at the window anymore.

Six months.

My stomach churned again and before I could answer Ben, I had to run into the back, past the plastic door, open the regular door, and throw up in front of the trash can where the stray dogs like to eat our scraps.

I’d have to pass it off and I took another big gulp of water before picking up some random milk jug to bring it up. I hoped I didn’t wipe off the face powder that took ten minutes to apply. When I walked back in, people seemed shocked I had run so fast into the back, but once they saw the milk jug, they settled back down. Ben didn’t let it get past him that I’d set the new milk jug next to a completely full one on the table and went to work.

We went back and forth for what felt like hours. He’d collect the money, write the order on a piece of paper, I’d make it, and he’d go set it down on their table or give it for them to go. We didn’t talk at all while I did it, and I only engaged with other customers. When I looked at him, he never looked back, just down at the book. When I looked at him… my stomach churned, but with a different feeling now that I was pretty sure all the alcohol was in my sink or by the trash in the back. I wanted him to look at me, or to come hug me, but he was Captain Levi right now.

My dream. What was my dream about? He was here and he was alive, so it couldn’t have been an omen. Was it triggered by my fight with Jonas? Levi dying? It was a simple memory, but it had morphed into something graphic and depressing. He’d asked me to be his girlfriend, reluctantly, but why didn’t my dream get to that part? Why did it cut it off there? I just tried to mock it up as another drunken dream, ones I used to have often, and maybe a few times in the past months, but something wouldn’t let me mark it as that.

“Eva!” I turned at the little boy’s call and saw all three of them at the counter. I was zoning out so much. Elias, June, and their father were there and I smiled at them, starting their orders. Elias and June: steamed apple juice. Their father: a cup of coffee, no cream, two sugars.

“Where’s the boy? I thought Jonas said he was working today.” I froze up at their father’s question and I saw Ben glance back at me before answering.

“He felt really sick this morning and could barely get out of bed when I tried to wake him up. He slept at our house last night and came back really late, so he might have been out and drank himself sick,” he tsk-ed his son, but I knew that his message was really meant for me, “Dark circles, a bad attitude, and his face was all red. I’m glad he didn’t show up today.” I turned to them, handing the two steamed apple juices. Before I could turn back around, they started a conversation with me. I could barely focus on it with Ben’s gaze boring holes into me.

“Eva, Mr. Chapel said I could start on my own books now! Isn’t that exciting?!” I smiled down at her and nodded. In the place in my brain that could still process a little emotion this afternoon, I was happy for her.

“That’s amazing, June. I have some books upstairs that need to be rebound.” Ben had given their father his coffee and he was now pulling the kids to go. He probably had some cult stuff to do and just wanted to stop by for his morning cup like he normally does.

“Eva, do you need help on year-end? Like last year? With Jonas?” Elias’s face begged up at me to say yes. He wanted to know if we would do something like last year. With no festival, it would be hard to entertain them… and with no Jonas…

“I don’t know about it his year, Elias.” His face dropped and he was pulled away by his father before he could ask why. I saw June looking disappointed as well as they walked out the door. When Ben turned to greet the next customer, I felt another pair of eyes on me. I looked up at him and felt my heart flip as we locked eyes. His were filled with concern and I knew he’d heard the exchange Elias and I just had. I had always taken the kids in for year-end, so why not now?

The day went like that. My stomach never settled down, and I could barely keep up the energy of the people coming in and out to talk. Ben would mostly fill that job, but whenever the customer wanted to talk to me directly, I stared at the back wall, mustering a smile, and turned to act. I was glad that I’d decided to close earlier than usual so I wouldn’t have to go through a dinner rush either. My mind was tired from thinking over and over again about last night and the dream I had, that I could barely handle any more stimulus.

Levi had sat there all day, reading through the book at least twice. I could feel his eyes on me throughout the day, but if I looked back into his eyes, my dream would play over again and my stomach would fight with me. He must have noticed, but he never approached me. Ben and the wave of people coming in and out must have stopped him, or he was waiting for me to go over and serve him tea. It was sitting right on top of the coffee filter box, ready to be made, but I could never pull myself to do it. I wanted to go over and talk to him, but with the amount of people here, I would be talking to Captain Levi. I decided to wait until close, knowing he would stay, so I could talk to the real him after months of waiting. The dream made my stomach feel awful, but the idea of having Levi back to me again made the butterflies stir too.

“Alright, what’s up with the two of you?” Ben put the small bag of flour back up on the stock rack as I mopped the flour on the back room’s floor. It was closing, and I insisted that he could leave the cleaning to me, but I knew from the second I walked in to the café, he was ready to corner me and ask questions. I still feigned innocence.

“Two of whom?” He huffed and wiped off excess flour on the apron I left him. It didn’t help my case that I couldn’t look him in the eyes when I answered. I didn’t want to stare into Jonas’s eyes.

“Jonas comes to our house drunk, red face, and mumbling things under his breath. He almost broke Analee’s favorite vase trying to take his shoes off. I thought it was a bit weird because he’d have to come back from your place, but maybe you two decided to do something. I didn’t care. Then, I drag his dead body weight onto the couch and he tells me he can’t come to the café tomorrow and starts crying. I mark it up to him being drunk off his ass. Come today, and you’re not up early like you usually are. I guess I thought you’d be as drunk as Jonas, and gave you a few hours. You come down here, looking pale as a ghost, go throw up outside by the trash can,” He pointed his thumb to the back door, “and anytime someone mentions Jonas, your face goes pale over and over again. You probably drank at least thirty glasses of water today… I really don't want you to answer this question, but I have to ask it. He’s my son, sure, but you’re also my little sister… also weird to say, but you know what I’m trying to get to…” Ben didn’t want to have to finish his statement and trailed off, trying to get me to fill in the blank. Did he think we… ? I pulled my face into a look of disgust, but still didn’t look at his face.

“Are you trying to ask if he and I had-” He frantically waved his hands at me.

“Please, please, please. Spare me. I realized I don’t want the answer to that question anymore right as it came out of you mou-” I stopped him there.

“We fought. That’s what happened.” He dropped his hands and let out a big sigh of relief. He was happy we only fought, because he could deal with that. He’d been dealing with that for years already. Mediator Ben was about to come out.

“Thank gods. What did you fight about this time? Both of you look very upset.” He leaned against a random table, and I had stopped sweeping at this point. I didn’t want to tell Ben, but there was just something about him that made the words flow out. He’s always been like that, regardless of the situation. Comfortable to talk to about any and everything. When I first got my monthly cycle, I went to him and not Catrin, who was the obvious choice. Then later in life, Jonas started to take the same position in my life that Ben had. That made me feel worse again, losing him over something I had to be selfish with. If Jonas felt he couldn’t let go of whatever it was, I would permanently lose him.

“I think this is the final time, Ben.” He sighed, probably not knowing what that meant. If I told him what the fight was really about, he would have to learn about Levi and I. I shifted my gaze to the plastic door separating us from the main café. Was he still sitting in his chair, waiting for us to kick him out? Waiting for me to lead him up the stairs to my apartment?

“Did he bring up marriage again? When we were walking to meet up with you, I had mentioned something about it and he seemed to get quiet. Usually, he denies anything like that would happen.” So it was mentioned previously, that’s why it was on his mind. When Ben mentioned it to him, did his mind go to Levi and I?

“Yes,” I whispered, and set the mop against the wall. I was ready to spill all of my feelings to Ben like I always do.

“Then, is it that man out there?” He pointed at the door and this time I looked him in the eyes. It was like admitting everything to Jonas all over again and it made my stomach twist and turn. I knew Ben’s opinions on the matter, too, so it was worse having to go against his wishes.

“Yes,” I whispered again, waiting to see a streak of disappointment in his eyes that never came. He just sighed again and walked over to me, putting a hand on my back.

“He was the first customer today and seemed annoyed that I was standing there instead of you. I was the one who gave him the book. I told him he’d have to wait a few hours to see you, and then another few to get to talk to you after lunch. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t see the way he kept looking at you either.” I clasped my hands together, looking at them. It made me a little less sad that he could see Levi’s emotions as well. Ben didn’t think it was fake like Jonas did.

“I had a bad dream last night, too… and a few too many drinks. I’m just so… I don’t want to lose Jonas. This felt like it was it, Ben.” I put a hand over my heart and rubbed my collar bone with one finger. Ben shook his head ‘no’ and patted my back.

“The kid can be moody, but he’ll come around. It may take him a bit longer than usual, but you two are best friends. He’ll just have to deal with the fact that it’s going to really stay like that now. I guess I didn’t help either, talking about you two the way I did.” I shook my head, making sure Ben didn’t take the blame away from me.

“No, I did this. I didn’t tell him about… I didn’t distance myself from him and-”

“Do you really think that if you tried to distance yourself from Jo, it would’ve worked? He once came home from secondary begging me to ask the teacher to transfer him to your class. He can’t be away from you for too long, no matter what emotions he has tied to it.” I laughed once at that comment, remembering the day Jonas randomly showed up at a desk next to mine. I reached up to wipe a tear off of my cheek.

“I still feel awful. It’s my fault I made him feel like this.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“I’m going to go home and he’s going to have this same conversation with me. You both fight like cats and dogs, and then feel bad that you said anything in the first place. He could have broken your arm and you’d still feel like it was your fault.”

“Yeah.” Ben did make me feel a little better, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of regret. We sat for a few more minutes as I calmed down and my stomach hurt a little less.

“Now, that boy out there. He’s the Captain of the Scouts, but I have to threaten him. I know he’s still sitting out there, if you just let me-”

“Ben.”

“I’m serious. I was close to going over and telling him to stop looking at you. It’s annoying. Like that one kid you dated in the past.” It was my turn to roll my eyes at him.

“Ben, I’m twenty seven.” Before I could protest more, he lunged at the door to open it.

“Hey, you.” I quickly raced out of the back room, watching Ben walk his way over to Levi who had grabbed a rag and was cleaning the tops of the tables.

“Ben-” Levi turned to give me a confused look as to why the giant man was walking towards him. They’ve probably only spoken two sentences to each other and now Levi was going to get reprimanded by Ben.

“You’re dating my sister, correct?” Levi’s eyes widened a little bit, not expecting Ben to come right out with it. He probably also didn’t expect Ben to know anything, but with how obvious Levi had acted today, it wasn’t a surprise. Ben picked up on things probably to the same degree Levi did.

“U-u-uh, we are?” He did the same thing I’d done to Erwin, and when he looked over at me again, confusion painting his face, I just nodded once, “Y-yes. We are…” A faint tint of blush painted his pale face. Mine was probably the same way. This was the first time he had admitted that out loud to someone from my world.

“If you hurt her, I’ll beat you up. Her last boyfriend, he couldn’t walk for two days after Jonas and I jumped him.” He pointed his finger at Levi who didn’t seem that concerned about the threat. Ben was also lying, because he wouldn’t lay a hand on anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ben swat at a fly, let alone a human.

“My intentions are not to hurt her.” Ben took off his apron and slammed it down on the table Levi had just finished cleaning. Flour dust went everywhere. This was quite the show he was putting on. Levi, however, didn’t know he was playing with him. He was trying to keep his face as neutral as possible, because he didn’t want to, in some way, offend Ben and make him angrier, but he was also getting annoyed with the man’s display. If Ben was to come at him, would he be permitted to slam him on the ground, or would that just make this whole situation worse? Levi didn’t want to beat up my brother, which was nice.

“What are your intentions then?” Levi was not going to like expressing his feelings aloud to a stranger, so I saved him from Ben who I knew was trying his hardest not to laugh.

“Ben, just let him go. I have to clean more and you’re keeping me from dinner.” I think Ben was also glad I gave him an out because I heard that Analee was making porridge for dinner and that was Ben’s favorite.

Ben walked a bit forward, using his height to tower over Levi. This time, Levi’s face hardened. If I did get Ben away from Levi, Ben might end up on the ground.

“Next time, Captain.” Ben retreated back and grabbed his jacket, turning to me with a smile.

“Have a nice night, Ev! I assume I won’t need to come tomorrow?” He glanced over at Levi who was now extremely confused at Ben’s 180 degree flip.

“No, I think I can handle myself tomorrow. Thanks Ben!” He raised his hand up and waved once, exiting the café. There was a moment of silence as the ringing of the door bells finally stopped and Levi turned to me, that expression still on his face.

“W-wha..?” I smiled at the door, not disregarding the butterflies that came to my stomach now that I was finally alone with Levi for the first time in six months.

“That’s Ben, my brother.” His face dropped to his regular look and nodded.

“I can tell.” I huffed and grabbed Ben’s apron, hanging it up behind the counter. I decided to clean the counter and wait to see what Levi was going to do. Heaven knew I wanted to run up into his arms, but again, the vow I took held me back.

To my surprise, he moved to behind the counter after cleaning the flour from the last table. He put the rag down on the back table and stood there, staring at me for a bit. I just disregarded his stare and kept cleaning the counter and glass case which was ridden with Ben’s handprints from the amount of times he leaned on it.

“I’m going to hug you.” I left out a huff of laughter and didn’t move, signaling that he could do what he wanted.

“I told you, you don’t have to say it alo-” His arms went around my waist, chest touching my back, and his head nuzzled into my neck. I also melted right there and then. Who taught him how to hug like this? I used my free hand to reach up and play with his hair, leaning my cheek onto the top of his head.

“Hi,” I said, breathing in his scent. It’s been so long, the shirt he gave me had lost its smell, so it was nice to have it back. It was also nice that he had given me such an intimate display of affection after how long he’d been away. It told me that he missed me as much as his letters would insinuate. Maybe even equal as much as I missed him.

He lifted himself up, leaving one arm wrapped around my waist.

“I thought I’d personally deliver this letter to you,” he handed me the envelope with my name written on it.

“Do you come with the letter?” I turned to face him and blushed at our closeness. He looked down at me slightly, examining my face. I’d cried the face powder off in the back, so my dark circles were at full force.

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself again.” It was low and had a tinge of disappointment in it. I looked up at him, examining his face. Tired. Large dark circles. Nothing out of the ordinary, but I could still yell at him for it.

“I can say the same for you, Captain.” I reached up and put my hand on his cheek like the last night we had together. I figured that wouldn’t be off limits and I felt his face heat up a little before pulling back to lean against the back table across from me. He had hit his daily cap for affection and needed to cool off.

“Erwin gave me the rest of the month off. So, I guessed that the best place to stay was here. He also told me to go see you after my work was done, and then proceeded to give me one more month’s worth of work.” He crossed his arms, his face pulling into one of annoyance for Erwin’s actions.

“I did ask him to give you more breaks, but he didn’t promise me anything.” His eyes narrowed at the mention of our meeting.

“Don’t think you three can keep it a secret about what you talked about. I told them I’d get you to tell me.” I smirked back up at him.

“They aren’t telling you what we said?”

“No details. I just know they asked you about us and to support the Scouts, and you accepted. I know that they left out everything important and Hange always laughs when I try to get her to tell me.” I guess I’d have to keep up this secret promise with Hange and Erwin.

“Well, if they aren’t telling you, then I guess I can’t either, Levi. It was a confidential meeting, you know how that goes.” He shot off the table, pushing my stomach into the one I was cleaning. His arms were on either side of me, trapping me against the wood. My heart beat shot up at this sudden, aggressive touch, and I almost jumped as I felt his breath on the right side on my neck. This was the first time he had done something like this. Intimidating, aggressive, and very exciting. My heart wasn’t the only thing that fluttered when he whispered into my ear.

“I have ways of getting you to tell me, Eva.” He lingered there for a few moments before pushing away and going back to rest on the table. I had to take at least ten breaths to calm myself down, and my face was still definitely the color of a cherry. That was the first time Levi had done something so… hot. One moment, he was pushing back because he was getting uncomfortable with the affection, and another he was shoving me up against the counter, making my brain race a million miles a second with the things I was imagining. The ways to get me to talk. Levi wasn’t like that was he? Did he have experience with that? He did live in the Underground and was extremely good looking, I’m sure he had girls at his feet at some point. It made me curious about his life in the Underground again… and what or who he did there.

“I-I’m… done cleaning. We can go up to the up, upstairs.” He didn’t even hesitate and slung his cape around his shoulders, following me to the front to lock the café.

We walked upstairs without saying anything, Levi walking a few steps behind me. He had retrieved a bag from the side of the alleyway and my eyes widened. I didn’t think he’d be staying here the whole rest of the month. That was almost three weeks. I remembered how dirty I had left it this morning and the empty bottle of wine next to my bed.

Once we got inside, he set his bag on the couch and took off his boots and cape, hanging it up. I was a bit upset he didn’t take off the ODM gear straps, because now that he had done that little act downstairs, my mind was thinking about them. I had felt the buckle of the one on his chest dig into my back ever so lightly.

“Did you really forget what I looked like? Stop staring at me.” He mumbled it, but it made me blush a bit and stare at the ground. Did he know what I was thinking about him? How did he get so bold in the last few minutes?

“Can I shower? The ride here was long, and I sat in the back of the cart on some dirty hay.”

“O-oh. Yes, you can. It’s that door right there, but you knew that already didn’t you. Sorry.” He smiled and laughed once, digging through his bag for his shower supplies. I just watched him as he did it, staring at the mundane task and letting my mind run wild. I don’t think he’s ever taken a shower here before.

Without saying anything else, he walked into the bathroom and closed the door. I instantly let out a breath of frustration, but the room did cool down after he left.

“He’s bold when being like that, but he’s still afraid of sleeping next to me?” I shook those thoughts out of my head and blinked when the bathroom door opened a little bit, the light shining through my dark apartment.

“I forgot soap for my body, do you have any?” He yelled out.

“Uh, there should be some in the cabinet below the sink. It’s Jonas’s.” I heard the cabinet open, along with a little grumble about ‘Why is he in your shower?’ before I heard them close again.

“I don’t see it.” I did not want to go into that tiny bathroom and show him, but I knew that’s where this was going to end if I sent him on a hunt. I’d just let him use mine.

“There’s a bottle in the shower. It’s glass and has pink liquid in it? You can use mine. I hope you don’t mind rose.” I heard the shower curtain rip back and a tiny laugh.

“There’s about twelve bottles with pink liquid in them, Eva.” That was simply false. All of my shampoos, conditioners, and soaps were different colors. He wanted me to come in there and show him. I started walking slowly to the door.

“It should be on the second shelf.”

“Just come here and show me, I don’t have the patience.” There it was, and I was already halfway to the bathroom anyways. Ignoring my heart, I opened the door.

“It should be in…” My eyes widened as he leaned against the sink, giving me access to walk to the shower as the room was only meant for one person at a time. My eyes widened as he leaned against the sink shirtless. I instantly flushed and something churned in the pit of my stomach. I glanced for one more second, and pushed on after seeing his smirk. I shoved myself up against the other wall, so there was no way for me to touch him as I walked past to the open shower. There the soap was and it was even labeled. I gripped hard around the bottle, turning to shove it into his hands. I tried so, so hard to only look at his face. When I glanced down at his chest again and back up, his smirk got deeper. It made me angry, but it also made me want to look even more.

His body was completely toned and looked like it had no ounce fat on it. He was completely lean like I predicted in our last encounter in a bathroom. Every single possible muscle was defined in a sleek way that was easy for him to hide this… this Adonis of a figure beneath a regular shirt. His waist was probably smaller than mine and shoulders broad from carrying the heavy ODM gear on them for years, but I didn’t try to get another look at it as I walked past him, pressing up against the wall again.

“I told you I’d let you see it when I got back,” he said jokingly as he set the bottle down on the sink. My face was burning and I didn’t dare turn around to look at him again as much as I wanted to. I had a free pass to look at him all I wanted if I took it, but I was too embarrassed right now. This combined with what happened downstairs wanted to make me scream. How long had he thought of doing this? The first time he’s seen me in six months and this is what he planned.

“I-I’ll make food!” I half yelled, getting out of the small bathroom that was heating up to a hundred degrees. I could hear him laugh a little bit before closing the door behind me. The air outside was so much cooler, it gave me goosebumps and I stood out there for a bit, waiting to hear the shower turn on. When it did, I went to the kitchen and instantly sat in front of the open ice box trying to cool down my face.

“Why are you like this, Eva? It’s not like you haven’t seen a shirtless man before. You’ve seen more than one and you’re never like this.” I hit my cheeks over and over again, trying to get them to cool down. No man I’ve been with before could go from sulky and hesitant one minute to making a heat pool in the depths of my stomach in thirty seconds.

The shower stopped and I closed the fridge quickly, taking out eggs to act like I was using them. I had no clue what I was going to make to eat and I’d spent ten minutes staring at an open fridge.

When he walked out, I almost broke the egg in my hand. He walked over to his bag on the couch, searching for clothes. The heat that I’d gotten rid of came back, and I finally turned away from the indecent sight. Just a towel?!

“Sorry, I forgot to grab another pair of clothes.”

Chapter Twelve →

Chapter Masterlist

#levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x oc #levi x reader #levi x oc #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi attack on titan #aot #aot levi #snk #snk levi #captain levi #levi heichou #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #original character

74 notes · View notes

theheartsmistakes · 3 years

Text

The Last Night Part XXII

(Author’s Notes at the end)

Parts I-XXI:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

Part XX

Part XXI

.XXII.

“Lucie!” Her father’s voice came from the other side of the door as it cracked open inviting in a warm light that chased away the darkness from inside Lucie’s bedroom. Lucie, being only five years old should have been asleep hours ago, but was sitting up in bed with her old stuffed rabbit in her lap, and both hands firmly clamped over her ears.

Will, dressed in his white stocking pajamas, his black hair a mess of tangled curls stepped into the room. “Lucie, I heard voices-- what’s the matter?”

Lucie uncovered her ears and slowly opened her eyes as her father walked into the hazy moonlight that came in through the oval window like a dramatic spotlight. “They won’t stop whispering at me, Papa.”

“Who?” Will looked around her room. “Is someone else in here?”

Lucie nodded.

“Where?” Will demanded.

“They’re not here now,” said Lucie. “You frightened them off, but they wouldn’t stop whispering to me.”

A strange recognition filled Will’s expression. He walked over to Lucie’s side of the bed and climbed in beside her. “Is that so?”

She nodded. “They can be so loud. I think they just want someone to talk to, and I don’t mind, but I want to sleep.”

Will smiled. “As you should be. What do these visitors say?”

Lucie played with the silk ear of her rabbit. “They mostly just say my name. Whisper it over and over again, like they can’t say anything more. Are they ghosts?”

Will nodded. “Yes, I think so.”

“How come I can see them?”

“Because you’re a Herondale,” said Will, proudly. “All Herondales can see ghosts.”

Lucie contemplated this for a moment to the best ability of her still developing five year old brain. “So even James and Mam?”

“Only James, not Mam,” explained Will. “Mam was a Grey before she was a Herondale. It’s hard to understand, but you will.” He tilted her chin up with his finger. “Only born Herondales have this particular talent.”

“And devilishly good looks,” parroted Lucie.

Will barked a laugh. “Exactly.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “They’re nothing to be frightened of. They can’t hurt you. They’re just looking for a friend. Now, you go to sleep and if these ghosts visit you again, you remind them that your bedtime is seven-thirty and if they’d like to visit you it must be before then.”

Lucie nodded and slid down beneath the thick comforter. Will tucked Lucie in all around until she resembled a log underneath a fancy blanket. With his white slippers shuffling along the floor, Will left the room and closed the door behind him.

For a moment, her room was quiet and she thought her father might have chased the last of the voices away.

When she was almost asleep, she felt a cold breath of air against her cheek.

Lucie.

LUCIE!

The whispering could be heard even as she folded a pillow over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut. They continued until finally she sat up and yelled into the void, “BE QUIET!”

The voices went out in a whoosh like a candle being snuffed. Nothing could be heard except for the grandfather clock’s ticking on the wall in the hall and the crickets chirping in the warm summer’s air outside. With a curt nod, Lucie closed her eyes and fell asleep.

“Good,” said Belial as he stood from the bed. “You received my message.”

Lucie’s eyes flickered to Grace cowering in the corner beside her mother. Tears stained Grace’s face and her chin shook with more to come as she looked apologetically at Lucie.

“What have you done?” Lucie whispered.

“I had no choice,” said Grace. “He was going to kill my Mum and he would never bring Jesse back. I wouldn’t be left alone— not again.”

Blood boiled in Lucie’s cheeks. “You really think he’ll uphold his promise? He’s about as reliable as a trained lion. He’ll get what he wants from you and then tear your face off.”

“What do you know of it?” Snapped Tatiana Blackthorn. “You’ve been handed things your whole life. Blessed. You’ve no idea what it means to lose something you love.” She turned her attention to Belial. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I killed seven innocent souls, I’ve released six demons from captivity using Shadowhunter blood, and I’ve brought you the girl. Now, return my son and we’ll be on our way. You can do what you wish with her.”

Belial blinked lazily.

Lucie hadn’t noticed before since her focus was entirely on the prince of hell lounging on Grace’s chiffon bed. The two women broke apart like curtains and resting behind them, on the bench beneath the window like he’d fallen asleep reading a book, was Jesse’s body.

Lucie gasped and took a marginal step closer to him, but stopped.

Death begets death begets death. You cannot take from death without giving to death first and sometimes it takes more than its share.

“Grace!” Lucie reached forward.

Belial snapped his fingers and Tatiana’s body crumpled to the floor with a sickening crack. Her neck lolled to the side like a broken stick. Grace screamed and fell back against the wall behind her just as Jesse gasped from the window seat.

Limbs flailed around as if he were trying to save himself from drowning until he fell to the floor on his hands and knees gasping for breath in lungs that haven’t been used in years. Lucie thought she could hear his heart beating until she realized it was her own. He sat up and clutched his chest, his blue, green eyes darted frantically around the room.

Grace fell to the floor beside him. “Jesse, it’s alright. It’s alright!”

Jesse wouldn’t look at her. His eyes locked on Lucie. “No, what have you done.”

“I haven’t done anything,” said Lucie.

“Then why are you here?” His face turned red in the cheeks. “I told you specifically not to come. Damn it, Lucie, why didn’t you listen.”

Lucie moved back a step. “I did listen. I came here to tell Grace that I no longer wanted to be a part of our agreement. I came here to tell her that I was giving up. I thought I was honoring your wishes. How was I to know that he was waiting here for me?”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” groaned Jesse. “I thought you’d think I was bluffing to keep you from trying.”

Lucie scoffed. “And look how well your dishonesty worked out.”

Grace cried over their dead mother and clutched at her thick collar in a feeble attempt to wake her up.

“Enough,” said Belial, growing bored of the exchange in front of him. “I have upheld my bargain. It’s time for us to go.”

“No!” Jesse tried to stand. Belial cocked his head and Jesse fell back against Grace.

“Another move and I’ll kill you again, this time with no chance of return.” Belial’s eyes flickered over to Lucie. “I’ve realized I’ve been going about this the wrong way. I tried to capture the Carstairs girl thinking that she would get you to join me, but she’s far too much trouble. No, there was another pawn hiding right underneath my nose. The Blackthorn boy. It didn’t occur to me until you came to visit Grace and asked for her assistance in bringing him back. She was a good pet and delivered the message to Tatiana who in turn delivered the message to me.”

Lucie glared at Grace with her arms wrapped around Jesse’s shoulders. But how could she blame her? If the tables were reversed and it was James she was trying to revive, she might have done the same. No, she was positive she would have done the same. She’d allowed Jesse to give his last breath to her brother to save his life. In the end, she had been willing to give something up for the life of someone she loved. She could not fault Grace that.

“I’m not going with you,” she said. “The entire clave will be here shortly and you’ll be banished back to whatever level of hell you came from.”

Belial grinned. Despite herself, Lucie found it quite a charming smile. “Wonderful. A family reunion. It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to my daughter. I’ve wondered how she fared all these years.”

“She fared nicely without the likes of you,” said Lucie, cursing herself for not bringing a short blade or at least a couple of throwing knives. She’d left in such a rush, she didn’t find a need. Her uncle was notorious for hiding weapons about the manor. Her aunt was always cursing him about it when they were children and Christopher or Anna would somehow wander down the hallway with a curve blade in their chubby little hands.

The hallway, Lucie nearly gasped as she remembered the cross blades hanging in the hallway.

The door behind her remained open. Only a few steps back and she could make a break for it and at least have a chance at defending herself.

“I wouldn’t try it if I were you,” said Belial, tucking his hands into his pockets. “Not unless you want me to start breaking bones in their bodies starting with the smallest.” He raised on his hands and folded his fingers. The door slammed behind Lucie and she heard the faint sound of the lock. “We don’t have much time. I have a very short window back into my realm and we’ll need to be going now. That is if you want your friends to live.”

“Lucie.” Jesse fought against Grace’s hold. “Do not go with him. I’m not meant to be here. I’m not meant to be alive.”

“How rude,” said Belial. “Do you have any idea how hard your mother and sister worked to bring you back to life. The least you could do is be more grateful.”

“If I go with you,” said Lucie. “If I agree to do what you ask, you’ll promise to leave them alone?”

“You have my word,” grinned Belial and extended his hand towards Lucie.

Every instinct drove her to pull away, to run, but then some stronger instinct took control, and of their own free will her fingers closed round Belial’s. Heat seared down and through her, swift as wildfire chased by wind, and as it moved she felt something strong and heavy wrap around her waist.

Her connection broke with Belial as she was dragged back to the center of the room. She turned her neck and looked up.

“Thomas?”

His face was contorted in rage as he yelled over his shoulder to the hallway, “Now!”

A figure dressed in Shadowhunter gear stepped into the room. Lucie didn’t recognize him at first as his face was hidden behind a curtain of black hair. A spear flew from his hand towards Belial.

Before she could even blink, it’d somehow stopped inches from Belial’s chest, and shot back at the shadow hunter with blinding speed impaling the person in the chest and pinned them to the wall like a collected insect.

It wasn’t until then that Lucie caught a glimpse of the face against the wall. Mouth open and eyes glossy as he stared down at the stick protruding from his chest was Alastair.

A/N: Hope you all are well! Good news, next update is coming in just a short seven days, Dec 13. You know the drill: hit that like, share, leave me comment, and follow along for more updates. Stay safe and stay healthy!

#thelastnight #jordelia fanfiction #james x cordelia #james and Cordelia #james herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie x Jesse #lucie herondale #jesse blackthorn #chain of gold #Chain of Iron #chain of gold fanfic #cassandra clare #the shadowhunter chronicles

51 notes · View notes

foreveralwaysanauthor · 3 years

Text

I Could Be Every Color You Like

October 3, 2021

Prompt - Full of Colors

Characters - Bentley and various others

Notes - This gave me so many ideas for one-shots.

“Why does that kid like art so much?”

He'd heard that question a lot over the years. It was a simple question and, to be frank, not many knew the answer. The youngest of the Murphy brothers was a chatty fourteen-year-old who was usually seen holding a pen or marker to something. It was only natural that people asked questions, he supposed. It wasn’t normal for people to walk around, drawing everything in sight, but that’s just the way Bentley was.

Bentley was an enthusiastic artist and had been for as long as he could remember. Of course, he usually did so for fun, coloring on napkins and such, but his art was always meticulously done. He’d learned to draw from his mom when he was really little. Miles recalled once that Bentley had drawn all over one of their bedroom walls when he was three, but his mom was so happy with how it looked that she refused to wash it off or paint over it. Bentley was just an artist through and through - it was what he was good at.

In school, the teachers that knew Miles and Royce expected Bentley to be just like one or both of them. First was the oldest - Miles, the hardworking, above-average student who had excellent manners and was part of both the automotive department and the school newspaper before graduating early. Then came Royce, the kid with straight A’s since kindergarten who spent most of his free time studying in the library or writing in a journal. But, when Bentley came along, their expectations went out the window.

Bentley was far more artistic than his brothers, doodling in the margins of his paperwork and turning it in, only to receive a note from the teachers, telling him to please stop. While he kept his grades up, even after Miles left for Florida, he could never seem to meet the precedent set forth by his brothers. His teachers tried to talk with his father about his attention problems and constant drawing, but the man never answered the phone. When he did, he’d answer in the same manner every time before hanging up - “Did he kill someone? No? Then leave me the hell alone.” After a while, the teachers stopped caring as much and left him alone, which was nice.

The only teacher he’d liked was Mr. Samuel Hatfield, his art teacher in middle school. The man was a giant at six foot seven but had the biggest heart in the building. He took his time with each of his students, making sure they understood what concepts he was teaching them and could handle their own. For once, Bentley could claim the position of teacher’s pet with pride. The teacher took pride in Bentley’s artwork, using them as examples for other classes and, occasionally, the upperclassmen who needed encouragement.

It felt good to be appreciated.

So, when Royce whispered to him one night in the confines of their bedroom that they’d set aside enough money to move in with their older brother, he felt torn. He desperately wanted to move in with Miles, far away from their father, but he also wanted to stay so he could continue feeling special for his art. It was all he felt he was good at and he loved feeling important, but his love for his brother outweighed that a million times over so his decision was nearly instantaneous.

The next day, after working his busboy job at the diner on the edge of Main Street, he took off on his bicycle for the art shop next to the library, using his collective tip money for the day - a whopping seven dollars and fifty-four cents, nearly triple what he usually got - to buy a small sketchbook and a discounted paint set. The rest of his money, he planned on pocketing. He and Royce would be leaving soon anyway, what did it matter what he spent the extra cash on now?”

The cashier frowned at Bentley as he counted his money, coming up just a couple of quarters short. He sighed, debating on which item he wanted to buy more. Just then, the door jingled next to him and he instinctively looked up, meeting gazes with his art teacher.

“Hi, Mr. Hatfield,” Bentley greeted quickly before turning back to his purchase.

“Well if it isn’t Bentley Murphy,” the art teacher greeted. “Why am I not surprised to see you here. Buying anything good, kiddo?”

“A goodbye gift,” Bentley claimed with a grin. “My brother and I are leaving town to be with our big brother.”

“Ah,” Mr. Hatfield exhaled. “Is this a gift for your dad or your older brother?”

“Nope,” Bentley exclaimed. “This is for me. Something to remember Myrtle Beach, I guess.”

The teacher nodded slowly, taking in the information as Bentley spoke. “So, where does your older brother live again?”

‘Uh oh. Too much info,’ Bentley thought to himself. ‘Don’t get caught. They’ll call the cops if they know where we’re really going. Be smart like RJ. Think, think, think.’

“California,” he lied in feigned excitement, sending his teacher a brilliant smile. “He moved there a couple years ago to be with a girl he liked who moved to Los Angeles.”

The teacher nodded again and smiled. “Well, since this is a parting gift, I’ll cover it, kid.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet.

“Actually,” Bentley began, “I think I’ll put the paint back-”

“Leave it, Mr. Murphy,” Mr. Hatfield stated firmly, setting down some money. “It's just some paint. I have no problem helping you to further your talents. Save your cash for spending time with your brother.”

The cashier took the money from Mr. Hatfield and bagged Bentley’s items before handing them to the fourteen-year-old. Bentley and the man said their goodbyes before Bentley went outside and hopped on his bike, riding quickly toward home. When he arrived home and found only Royce there, the two boys packed their bags and left not long after, leaving only a simple note in their place. The next fifteen or so hours were spent biking to their Uncle Tommy’s house - a man who had despised his sister’s husband since he’d met the man and had been encouraging the boys to leave. Once they arrived, they took the man’s car - with his permission and knowledge, of course - and took off for Florida. Ten hours later, they arrived pulled into the town, a sign with bold letters saying “Welcome to St. Pete Beach” being their only welcoming committee.

Royce pulled Uncle Tommy’s car into what they believed was Miles’ address, if his letters were anything to go by. They got out of the car and knocked on the door a few times before anyone answered. It was just barely eight in the morning so it wasn’t unexpected, but the anticipation was killing them slowly. Bentley was mildly surprised to see his oldest brother - who looked like he was just woken up by them - whip open the door, wiping his eyes a few times before pulling them both into a tight hug. They were shown to their room, finding it decked out in just about anything Miles had found that he’d thought they would like. To Bentley’s surprise, a brand new art book and some canvases were laid out on his bed, accompanied by various types of paints, markers, and pencils.

Their brother’s friends became family to them and they were accepted fairly quickly. Lela set aside time every day just to paint with him on the beach. Mick would teach him and his brothers photography in her spare time. Butchy took him and Royce for walks to the park so Royce could write in peace while Bentley drew in his sketchbook. Tanner took him to an art gallery on the edge of town just for fun. It was like being an artist was something to be proud of. Like there wasn’t any competition to have better grades or better abilities. It was an air of tranquility that the fourteen-year-old hadn’t felt since his mom approved of his artwork as a kid.

Over time, he began noticing the colors of people he spent the most time with. Whether it was the color of their eyes or in the things they surrounded themselves with or their favorite colors, Bentley saw them each in a different light. If he said them out loud, it would make sense to absolutely no one, but that was fine by him. He made sure it came across in his artwork instead of in his words.

For instance, Miles gave off rays of baby blue with a hint of red - calmness, safety, and love - so those were the colors Bentley used to draw his oldest brother with most. Royce was a brilliant, sunset orange - smart, vibrant, and playful - and it suited the middle brother better than he ever cared to admit. Mick and Butchy together were green with dashes of lavender, a colorful combination of love, strength, and balance - a source of protection and love that was unending and reliable. Lela was pale pink, full of innocent love for those around her.

So, when asked why he loved art so much, Bentley had only one answer to give: the colors.

#foreveralwaysprompts #writing #writing prompt

2 notes · View notes

ratsoh-writes · 3 years

Text

My curiosity got me, so here is my submission for a match up. Sorry it’s so long! I look forward to seeing your reasoning.

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

MOM FRIEND: I’m the friend that is almost over prepared for any situation and is protective, usually keeping others out of too much trouble or danger, but not stopping them from doing that stupid thing. Some people will only learn from doing it and so long as it won’t seriously injure or kill them, go for it. And I mean I am seriously prepared for most situations: I have fluffy throw blankets and pillows in my car for those who get cold, extra towels just in case we somehow get wet, umbrellas/ponchos for those who need one, snacks/water just in case someone gets hungry/thirsty, first aid kit for small injuries, etc. Ironically, I am the only one without a kid so far.

Extension of this would be my habit to act as the friend “nurse.” Willing to spend hours taking care of a friend who isn’t feeling well and give platonic cuddles if needed.

Another extension of this is my need to feed anyone who comes over. I think my love language is acts of service after typing all this.

I’M LISTENING: Always willing to offer an ear, even if I don’t believe I can council you. Plus, for some reason, people just end up splurging life stories or something that is bothering them to me. My life is mostly spent as that Naruto meme: “I have no clue what is going on, but I’ll pretend that I do.” But I’m responsible about it, I won’t offer advice I’m not sure about and will usually refer you to someone else I feel is up to the task.

PATIENT: Earned after years in customer service dealing with toddlers disguised as customers and also with friends who far exceed my energy levels. It takes a good bit to anger me or very specific things to set me off, such as when I have asked you to please stop bringing up that stressful memory of mine again and again.

I am told I am terrifying when I’m actually pissed. Most times I don’t remember much when I actually snap, just that it happened, but details are fuzzy.

CHILL: My counselor once told me if I “Was any more laid back, I’d be on her floor.” And to a point, she is correct. My house was on fire and my reaction wasn’t panic at the time, it was this odd calm that even when I reported the fire to my sister and authorities, they didn’t believe me until I showed them said fire. I am reserved with those I don’t know well or are not comfortable around. Once I trust you or you get me on a topic I love, I’m surprisingly passionate and animated.

I feel this fits under here, but I also tend to do things at my own pace. And not much can change that pace, but I will get what I set out to do done.

WHY ME?: Too many people tell me I’m a natural leader, even got awards for it, but I never volunteer or want to be the leader in anything. Usually, I just end up in that role somehow, some way. Most times because I hate disorganized messes and those times the people I am with have trouble making concrete decisions and need some guidance to work out what they really want to do or the pressure to actually make a decision. I may be an unwilling leader, but I will step up if needed.

WHIMSICAL: Sarcasm, dry and sometimes cheesy humour, and an attitude to boot, but it’s rarely to be mean. Most times it is me being playful and if I’m teasing you, that usually is a sign I like you and enjoy your company. Plus, sometimes people need a little laugh or a spark of different emotion to get them out of a funk.

INTEGRITY: I could absolutely despise someone, but like hell I’m going watch them suffer. In the same sense, if I take a job, I will do it right and not half ass it. And far too many times I’ve had to step in and explain certain concepts in order to disperse negativity or help others see from another perspective to avoid adversity.

CUDDLE BUG: With people I am comfortable with, I am a cuddly person and do not mind a lot of skinship. I am used to friends hanging all over me. Plus, sometimes I just want to curl up someone as well.

STRENGTHS:

Observant

Good communication skills & honest

Responsible & reliable

Full Size Human Heater. I am ridiculously warm and always putting off heat. Friends and coworkers alike use me as a portable heater.

Surprisingly good at being sly and collecting information if needed, like getting a shoe or ring size without tipping the person off it’s for a gift. If they manage to call it, I always fess up and playfully make a fuss they ruined the surprise.

WEAKNESSES:

Terrible at lying, so I tend to simply keep my mouth shut instead

Willfully oblivious to flirting and absolute flustered mess once I am forced to recognize said flirting

Vast open waters terrify me

Tendency to keep my troubles to myself and try to solve problems on my own (don’t want to be a burden)

Can become despondent if I feel useless at times

HOBBIES:

ART: I’ve dabbled in several different medias, but my favorite is just a pencil or pen and any paper I can get my hands on. I love drawing figures in dynamic poses. Second favorite is sculptures built from wire.

COSTUMES: I love Halloween, since it is the perfect excuse to make and wear my homemade costumes. It also lets me challenge myself by making more complicated pieces like hooves, horns, and even chain mail.

BAKING/COOKING/CANDY MAKING: I’m the cook in the house and I love it. Seeing people enjoy my food is my favorite part. Just don’t ask me for a recipe, I literally don’t have any and I won’t remember what I did.

ORGANIZING/CLEANING: I love puzzle games like Tetris and Catherine, and I love a challenge. Combine the two by having me organize and rearrange a space to make it work and I am in heaven.

STORYTELLING: When a story needs to be told, I am the one asked to tell it. Specifically I have such an entertaining way of telling it according to others. Animated and colorful language, plus a few pit stops along the way with some side stories.

PET PEEVES:

CONTRARY: Do not tell me to do something while I am doing it. That will kill any motivation I had to do it.

BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS: It is possible to compliment someone without insulting them or others at the same time. It just makes the compliment feel empty and negative. And I tend to just hum and not reward that behaviour.

TOO MUCH ATTENTION: I don’t mind attention… from people I trust and are comfortable with. Feel free to cuddle and coddle away. But vast amounts of attention from those I feel are strangers or acquaintances will unnerve me (I have literally left functions immediately where I walked in and was bombarded with shouts and attention aimed at me-sensory overload I guess).

ODD HABITS:

NESTING: No, I don’t think I have enough blankets and pillows. Yes, the giant stuffed animal is needed and his name is Snuffie.

CRUSH ME: I’m serious, some days I need one of my friends or my bf to just lay all their dead weight on top of me. It’s just oddly therapeutic.

NO, I’M NOT PREGNANT: Just cause I ate that jar of olives in one sitting or suddenly was craving jalapeno juice and crushed ramen noodles. There are never enough pickles and yes, I am determined to try every kind–I may have a vinegar addiction.

IRONY: I bake some of the tastiest, sweetest desserts and make pralines and caramels, YET I myself do not favor sweet things.

HANDS: One thing I tended to do with nearly every boyfriend and guy friend I had was play with their hands and put their hands on my face/head. I lived for being pet and having people play with my hair.

NONVERBAL MOMENTS: Sometimes words are just too much, so I instead make sounds. Can be anywhere from a growl to a cat like noise, or the reliable “Nyeh.”

NO NOs:

I think I listed a few as I went through everything else, but ignoring boundaries is the main one. If I tell you I’m not comfortable with something, do not make me repeat myself. And usually that something is given a pass the first few times it is done before I say something and explain why I’m not comfortable with it.

Example: I have thick, curly hair, a product of my mixed heritage. Well, sometimes I like to straighten it and I did just that one day. Well, a coworker decided to make a backhanded compliment, stating I should stick to what works: straight hair over my natural hair. I had gotten on him about it, but I decided to vent to a friend about what happened as well. She proceeded to constantly repeat those hurtful words and while I knew she meant it playfully during those times, I had to stop her and sit her down, explain I don’t find it funny cause the words are linked to a hurtful, possibly racist memory that I didn’t want brought up again and again. Thankfully she understood and stopped. So, I don’t snap immediately and I understand sometimes a sit down needs to be done.

Ok first of all I gotta say that I absolutely loved reading your matchup!!! It’s so well organized, detailed, and the descriptions are pretty creative!!! Do you do any writing yourself, because you should!!! alright, geek out moment over.

i’ve got three guys you’re perfect for, but let’s go for the obvious one. HONEY!!

You’ve checked off everything on honey’s list: caring, organized, laid back, and good for cuddling. Now here’s what he has to offer to the table: he will cuddle you back. This guy is the ultimate cuddle slut. You’ll never feel unloved with him. Honey is also a very thoughtful and appreciative guy. He likes caring for his partners. You may be the mom friend, but he’ll do his best to return that love as well.

Honey is a little awkward, but he’s also sensitive and empathetic to how others feel. If he puts his foot in his mouth, just tell him and he’ll never bring it up again. Plus this guy is just so honest and genuine that backhanded compliments aren't really a thing with him.

Also you like costumes!!! He’s always wanted to try cosplay or theatre. You just might be the person to give him the courage to finally stick to one.

dating honey includes:

cuddles upon heaps of soft things. He has his own collections of ridiculously soft blankets and pillows that he’ll happily add to your collection. Honey is also a master at pillow forts.

honey is a good listener. He’ll be happy to just sit back and enjoy the stories you tell. There is start though, who is also the storyteller of the underswap home. Any funny story you give about your time together will be rewarded by star with a funny story from his and honey’s childhood, much to honey’s embarrassment

if you don't really like sweet things but love baking them, then honey and star will happily finish them for you. People are usually surprised about how just how much skeleton monsters can pack away.

he’s a picky eater and will give you the wtf face when you fufil your weird cravings though lol

Oh! Also if you’re wondering, the other two would’ve been either oak or coffee

#undertale imagines #underswap #matchups #submission

10 notes · View notes

junejalow · 3 years

Text

"Is everything okay?"

This fic is for thicciq who requested IQ/GSG9 with the prompt "Is everything okay?"

Honestly took me awhile to come up with something for this but I hope this is alright <3 Thank you for reading!

Chapter Text

The last two months had been hectic and rushed, It seemed like once a team was dropped off, another was being picked up at the same time. The White Masks were pulling one stunt after another. Everything seemed to be on the table right now, hostage situations, bomb threats, bank robberies, networks being hacked for information, well known people being targeted for assassination. The world was on high alert and for good reasons, they had never been hit like this back to back. It was almost like a last ditch effort to make a push against the world but they were also having trouble getting past Rainbow who shielded and protected everything and everyone they could from the terrorist's. But this is what Rainbow was brought back for, to serve and protect. IQ let a few thoughts linger, she loved her job and her teammates. Monika wouldn't give up her position for anything. This was her perfect area to work in, she could be her best with Rainbow and she was never alone. She rubbed at her tired eyes as she updated her Spectre, it had glitched out on her last deployment and it nearly cost her and Capitao their lives despite the injured ankle she gained from the C4 blast that rocked them. He didn't hold it against her, blaming it on the jammer the terrorist had set up to block them out from Ash and Thermite who had overseen the mission.

Her gaze settled on the crutches resting against the work table beside her as the dull ache in her ankle bit at her as a reminder that her gadget wasn't always reliable but she needed it to be. Never again, I won't let them jam my device again. IQ though to herself as she got back to work once the update finished, she was applying a thicker cover to the device to protect the electronics inside it. It also didn't help she currently had no one else from the GSG 9 to hang out with. Blitz, Glaz, Ace, Ying and Jackal were currently out on a hostage rescue operation somewhere in Florida while Bandit, Warden, Clash, Rook and Castle were out defending a VIP in Greenland that had been under an assassin's scope for a while now. Jager was busy flying teams to and from base, taking small naps in between the trips in his helicopter. She wished she could at least keep the pilot company but she had no flying experience and wouldn't be of any help to him. The door to the workshop suddenly swung open, causing the German woman to glance up from her work. She was greeted by Twitch who held two cups of steaming coffee. The French woman walked over and handed her a cup, earning a quiet thank you and smile. They simply sat in silence for a bit, Emmanuelle could easily find most of the operator's even if they didn't want to be found and could cheer them up within minutes of simply chatting or sitting with them with an offering of snacks and a drink but considering it was still very early in the morning snacks were out of the question. Doc would fuss at them about eating properly and avoid snacking or forcing them to do extra training with Rook and Montagne to work it off. Either way Twitch always waited for the other to speak first, most were glad for that but IQ wasn't sure what to say. She missed her team, all of them. She was out of the rotation for missions and resting for the other's she was sure would happen. "You are worried about them, yes?" Twitch asked with a smile, she had already been fully aware of the reason IQ stayed in certain parts of the base.

The workshop for a legitimate reason this morning and secondary familiarity of having to drag Jager away after over night stays working on his magpie, Bandit from the gym if he couldn't sleep due to nightmares or insomnia, pestering him to go visit Doc and finally Blitz from the training simulations, he was always worried his shield wouldn't go off at the right moment or it wouldn't be able to block everything the enemy had to offer. Monika felt like the big sister of the GSG 9, always worried and looking after them and they very much apricated it, even someone like Bandit. She nodded in reply, "Marius mostly, he hasn't slept a actual bed for almost three day's. He's been napping in his helicopter between transporting equipment and teams to different locations." "He'll be fine, Jager has spent nights in worse places before, besides he loves flying so he's living the dream right now." Emmanuelle chuckled, "Although I'm worried about Rook as well. He just got over a cold and he's back out on the field." "Really? He seemed okay and was his usual hyper self when they left out." "He just doesn't want anyone to worry but he's been in near daily contact with Doc just to make sure he's doing okay. Everyone should be back tomorrow afternoon at the latest." IQ smiled and nodded a bit, taking a much needed sip from her cooling coffee. She couldn't wait for them to get back and for Jager to get proper rest, despite Twitch's words she wouldn't rest either until her family was home safe and in the GSG 9 dorms but thankfully with a small spread of word around base they helped each other pass the time. Monika even got a lift cross the court from Tachanka who was going the same way instead of trying to navigate the busy hallways of the central area of the base. The recruits had been put into over work by some of the operator's around base, wanting to get work done and keep reports, paper work and equipment flowing for their friends out in the field. Tachanka carefully set the injured German down, allowing her to use his arm as support until she got her crutches under her good enough. "All good?" He asked with a smile tugging at his forest camo balaclava. "Ja, thank you for the help Alex." She replied with a grateful smile, earning a gentle pat on her shoulder from the giant man before he disappeared into the building to track down Kapkan over some subject he had been tasked with replying. Monika on the other hand worked her way around to the common room and spent a good few hours there, checking her phone for messages and replied to a few from Blitz and Bandit before getting distracted by a movie Mozzie and Gridlock were watching, enjoying it and laughing along with them until Mira and Twitch came to gather her, wondering if she wanted to come down them to greet everyone back. She nearly jumped at the chance before Mira reminded her of the injured ankle she had much to the German woman's frustration. They eased their way to the landing pad with Doc joining them halfway with his medical bag in tow just incase anyone was injured, he took a moment to inspect Monika's ankle before following them to the landing pad, dreading the injuries their friend's might be sporting. Usually he knew before hand but with the base in such a scramble he didn't have time to answer every call unless it was his personal cellphone only Harry and the other operator's had his number to. Jager's beloved helicopter came into view along the airstrip, swinging it around to land on the helipad with practiced skills. Once the blades died down and stilled the side door slid open as the exhausted operator's filtered out one at a time. Ace turned around after he hopped down to help Ying out, her left shoulder nestled in a sling. No one else seemed injured aside from dirt and grim sticking to them, possibly some scrapes and bruises from their jobs but otherwise they were in good health. Doc preformed a quick and thorough with each other before he escorted Ying to his infirmary with Ace in tow for a mission update on any injuries he tended to in the field. IQ pulled the GSG 9 crew into a large group hug despite protests from Bandit and Jager, both disliking close contact or public affection until Blitz who caged them in from the other side. Her family was finally home and safe, she held back her emotions until they returned to their dorm room. Mainly from the fact that Blitz had given her a piggy back ride all the way while Bandit carried her crutches without a word. His attention on bothering Jager who was trying to stifle yawns from lack of sleep. Once they reached the German dorms she was carefully sat down on her bed while the boy's left to get showers and change into more comfortable clothes. When they returned from the shower room they paused at the door to hearing soft sobbing and sniffling. Blitz shot the other two a look of concern which was promptly returned before he carefully opened the door to inspect the reason behind their teammate's crying. "Mein Freund, was ist los?" (My friend, what's wrong?) Elias asked softly as he knelt down in front of IQ who was hiding her face behind her hands. "It looks like you sprung a leak." He added after a moment, trying to lighten whatever burdened their teammate. He always tried to cheer them up the best he could. "Is everything okay?" Jager asked as he fidgeted with the swing on the front side of his sweat pants. He still had a hard time picking up on social que's but knew the air was a little heavy right now, watching Bandit take a seat beside their friend and gently bump her shoulder with his own. "Ich weiß, du hast uns vermisst, was sollen die Tränen?" (I know you missed us, what's with the tears?) Dominic said in a uncharacteristically soft tone, worry clear in his honey brown eyes. "J-ja... I missed all of you. I'm okay." IQ replied, wiping her tears away and gave them a genuine smile. She had her boy's back, everything was diffidently okay.

#rainbow six siege #IQ #Jager #Blitz #Bandit #GSG 9 #Fanficiton

3 notes · View notes

souprights · 4 years

Text

DIY for Transmasc Minors/Those still living with unsupportive family

For context, I'm just turned 17, still living with my parents and live in the USA. This is just my experience! It may not be the best/easiest way to go about DIYing. I'm going to do my best to make this as comprehensive as possible, and please let me know if anything if incorrect or if I should add anything.

Firstly, if you're under the age of 16, I don't recommend this at all!! DIY should be a last-ditch effort, after you've tried all else. Please seek therapy, a supportive friend group, and a good community before turning to illegal means, because, yes, purchasing and being in possession of T without a script is illegal.

What's it Gonna Cost?

For cost, you're going to need about $60 - $115 of reliable income a month. Depending on the site you use, and how many millilitres of (injectable) T you purchase, that's going to vary, but $60 is the typical minimum I can find. Don't forget shipping is going to be around $15-30.

This only includes the T!! Don't forget you're going to need needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs if you're injecting, as well as blood tests.

What Kind of T?

Whether you use gel or injections is entirely up to you and your comfort. However, please avoid orals! Those are just gonna wreck your liver, no matter how painlessly tempting they may be.

Gels run more expensive, but with injectable, there's extra purchases/packages to be had.

Hang On, Blood Tests?

To make sure your levels are in a safe/normal range, you're going to need a blood test. If possible, look for Quest or LabCorp-esque places to get proper bloods done. I was too nervous to do that, given how closely my parents track my every move while I'm not at home, so settle for finger prick at-home tests if necessary. Unless the site advertises Discreet Packaging, I highly recommend having these sent to a friend and picking them up at school/when hanging out.

Do one before starting T, one at Month One, Two and Three, respectively. Based on your levels, adjust or figure out your dose. If everything is typical at Month Three, you don't have to test again till Month Six. After that, check at your One Year mark, then yearly thereafter.

Where/How Do I Get All This?

eroids.com is the first place I turn to when looking for places to order T. You can read reviews for each site listed, and get an average rating from people who've used the sites. If you want to go for gels, I suggest poking around Reddit and finding other people who've DIYed with gel, and asking them for their opinions and recommendations. Make an informed decision no matter what you choose, and spend PLENTY of time researching.

For needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs I honestly just use Amazon. MAKE SURE you mark your order as a gift, or else you're probably going to run into the issue of the packaging being marked with "medical supplies." Imagine your overbearing parents seeing that and ripping open your package, and immediately assuming you're spending your days in back alleys shooting up. Not fun. Take my word, and learn from my mistake.

As for bloods, just poke around till you find a test that takes your free T and total T both, or go somewhere and have it done proper.

Now, you might try using a PO box to not worry about your family seeing any packages arriving, or having it sent to a friend with more relaxed/accepting parents. Later in the year (when I'm doing this) using the approaching gift-giving holidays to keep people out of your parcels might be plausible. Or maybe your family doesn't care. Ultimately, imagine the worst case scenario and judge what to do knowing your own situation.

Okay, But....Bitcoin

Ah, yes. Daunting, tricky Bitcoin. Majority of sites only accept Bitcoin as payment. But I swear it's not as bad or hard as it sounds. Your first issue is honestly going to be finding somewhere that doesn't require you to be 18+ to purchase it. Now, don't worry too much. For me, I got my older sister to put in all her details, and I just used my money to make purchases. You can do the same with an 18+ friend, relative, or relative of a friend's. Or, send an 18+ friend's CashApp the money necessary to make a Bitcoin purchase and transfer for you.

Now, my first order of T was only about $60, with shipping and everything, since I only bought 4ml total to begin with. If you buy a bigger vial, it's going to cost more. $60 was as much as I could spend without making my parents suspicious (they keep an eye on my bank account), so if you have a similar problem or a smaller spending threshold of concern, don't worry. Just spend your max threshold on buying Bitcoin as often as you can. The Bitcoin will be stored for you to compile and use later. Keep in mind its value may go down, so buy a bit extra if you're saving up over time.

I use an app called Edge to handle all my Bitcoin transactions. It's simple, easy, and you can use a card, a direct bank transfer, Apple Pay or Cash (if there's a Bitcoin ATM near you--no worries, there's a handy map in the app itself to lead you to the nearest one of those). I used Apple Pay, so unfortunately, I can't help with any other methods than that. You can also use CashApp, but Edge's verification went much much faster, and I was not in the mood to wait a few extra days.

There's going to be a fee, usually outlined before you select your payment type. I included that in the cost of the T above, which might be more or less.

And lastly, it's not instant. It usually takes a few hours, but if it's more than a few days, reach out to customer support.

Each site lists instructions with how to send payment once ordered. Just follow their instructions, and talk to them if you have any trouble. They're usually more than happy to help you send them money.

So I've ordered my T

Shipping times are going to vary!! Keep this in mind. If you used eroids, users typically include shipping time in their reviews. This may influence which site you pick. Domestic sites tend to have faster shipping and don't risk customs seizing your pack--if customs seizes a pack with an illegal substance, you're going to get a letter. That's pretty hard to find an excuse out of, way closer to impossible.

Typical processing times are 2-5 days, but may vary a little, depending on things that may include a lovely little pandemic. Shipping is typically 1-2 weeks for domestic sites, 3-5 weeks for international. Shipping prices tend not to vary much, however, no matter where the warehouse is.

Hiding Changes

This is going to be the tricky part. I've known some people to only go on T for three months or so, as to get some changes to reduce dysphoria, but not have family members notice. If you spend a lot of time around family, the changes are gradual and they might not notice. But keep your own safety in mind above all else. What's the worst that's going to happen if your family confronts you over your changes? How long will you be able to write off your voice as "a cold" before someone wises up? How much longer are you going to be staying with your family?

I'm out to my unsupportive family, so despite being discouraged from any transition of any sort, any and all voice changes I'm writing off as voice training. Facial hair? Minoxidil. More muscle? I've been working out. These may or may not be things you can use, so consider carefully.

Aside from your voice and facial hair, there won't be anything too difficult to hide or write off. Shave your facial hair away as soon as you get up if it develops/needs to be hidden. Consider and compile a list of excuses as to why your voice is changing in case of questions.

Hiding Supplies

This is going to depend a lot on your house and situation. Do you have animals, parents or siblings who invade your spaces and find your hidey holes? A piece of advice I read in an MtF guide to DIY is to hide something you won't get in trouble for where you plan on hiding your hormones, and see if anyone finds it over a few weeks. Repeat until somewhere safe is scouted.

I have small cardboard boxes I keep under my bed, in a cabinet I have in my room, and on my desk. Only bandaids are kept on the box on my desk. But the other places I hide things have an equal distribution of my supplies, so even if someone finds one box, I'll be able to continue HRT.

Try to keep your T much better hidden than other supplies. I'm in an arts-focused degree in college, and a very artistic person, so I've managed to write off needles and syringes as pieces to build a 3D art project for a portfolio. Try to find an excuse to use if your needles are found. Maybe the art thing works for you, maybe not.

Consider taking precautionary measures of removing/covering labels of your T if you're using an injectable kind. You might be able to get away with calling it a prop of some kind, for a TikTok video or something if it's found.

Disposing of Needles/Wrappers/Etc

Alright, so you've done your first shot of T, or applied your first gel packet. Congrats! Now, how to hide the evidence? Firstly, for gels, it won't be too difficult. Just use a plastic grocery bag and fill it with other miscellaneous rubbish and mix the wrappers in with that. Toss the tied bag in your own bin, or a neighbour's bin if that's safer. If that's not possible, do so at school.

Needles are a more tricky circumstance. If you're able to purchase and safely dispose a sharps bin, 100% do that. If you're in a place like me and that's not possible, go and buy some soda with twist-top lids, or get them from friends. Once the bottle is empty, you can toss needles into there. In my experience, 1ml syringes and the small needles used for T injections fit in these 500ml bottles no issue. I throw these sealed bottles in the bin once they're full. I know this isn't proper disposable, but I'm unable to get a sharps bin.

Never throw exposed needles into the bin, or leave them somewhere anyone or anything could possibly be exposed to them.

For T bottles, I've only ever found one site that sells it in containers smaller than 10ml. I'm not sure if the 10ml bottles would fit into the soda bottles or not, so follow the same procedure as disposing of gel wrappers. If that's not possible, use a sharp knife to cut open your soda bottle at the widest part and put the bottle in there, before using a strong adhesive tape (not scotch tape--duct tape or something similar) to seal the incision before disposing of it.

In Conclusion

I've left out a list of the changes T causes, and starting doses, because those are all easy things to find, which you probably know already. Regardless of what this small guide says, please keep your own safety in mind and do as much research as possible before moving forward with DIY, and know that I'm no kind of professional, and all this is based off my tiny bit of experience.

As of the original posting of this, I haven't yet started T. I'm going to start in about two weeks, however, and have gathered everything necessary. I may update this guide further as I take T.

#ftm #trans #ftm minor #t #testosterone #transition #reblog

11 notes · View notes

theladyofdeath · 5 years

Text

V O I D { T H R E E }

Chapter 3. An ACOTAR fanfiction.

Nessian. Elriel. Feysand.

Previous chapters: Fanfic Masterlist

“This moment will just be another story someday.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Three weeks passed before Nesta began banging on Tomas’ door.

He’d been texting her, and she rarely replied. She hadn’t answered anyone’s calls or texts. She had hardly gotten out of bed.

She was already failing all of her classes due to lack of attendance, so she dropped out.

Then, she had packed up everything she owned, left the rest of the month's rent on her counter with a notice, and went to Tomas’ apartment.

He opened the door, clearly annoyed. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

“No,” she said. “I dropped out. I’m leaving town. Just thought you should know.”

He took a moment to process her words before shaking his head. “You’re really determined to ruin your life, aren’t you?”

She looked at him without saying a word. Part of her thought she should just turn around, walk away, and leave it at that.

The last three weeks were full of self-loathing and pure anger. She hadn’t always been like that. It had all began with him, the poor excuse of a man standing in front of her. He had destroyed her, had changed her, had ruined her.

“You were my best friend,” she said, quietly, when he had turned to leave her standing alone in the doorway. “I trusted you more than I trusted anyone. But you changed. The minute I slept with you, you changed.” She hadn’t even realized she’d begun to cry until the sweet salty taste hit her lips. “I hate you. I hate everything that you are, everything that you stand for, and every fucking thing that you’ve done to me. You are pathetic, and cruel, and you used me. You knew me, better than anyone, and you used me!” She pushed his back as hard as she could, hating him even more when he wouldn’t turn to face her. “You used me and you don’t even care! You don’t care about me! Everything was a lie, and I hate you!”

She yelled the words, screamed them until her throat felt raw.

Tomas said nothing. He simply turned to face her, at last, not a hint of sympathy in those eyes.

“I was your sex toy,” she said, her voice falling back to a whisper. “And I hate myself, every day, for falling in love with you.”

There it was. Everything she had felt for nearly two years, laying bare on the table. She had finally gotten the courage to leave, to walk away from him, and now she was a hurricane of anger and bitterness.

“You’ll come back,” he said, when it was clear that she would say no more. “You always do.”

Without another word, Nesta walked away.

When she made it a mile down the street, she pulled her car over and puked.

~~~

Rhysand got to Cassian’s apartment and opened it without knocking.

Cassian was sitting on his couch, brows lifted as he flipped through his biology text. “Rough day?”

Rhys went straight to the fridge and helped himself to a water. “Where’s Az?”

“Work,” Cassian replied, slowly. “You seem distracted.”

Rhysand shrugged, downing the water bottle before grabbing another one.

“Who is she?”

When Rhys looked over his shoulder, Cassian was still reading his book. “Excuse me?”

“I assume there’s a girl,” he replied, grinning. “And I assume she doesn’t like you. That’s a first. A girl who Rhys can’t have.”

Rhysand took a deep breath to refrain from rolling his eyes. “Who told you?”

Cassian’s grin widened. “Kallias. Saw him last night at the pub.”

Cassian worked at a pub on the corner of his street. It had become a popular hangout throughout the years.

“Yeah, well, Kallias is an idiot,” Rhys mumbled, plopping down in an armchair. “How're classes?”

“Hard,” Cassian said. “I fully regret my decision to go to college.”

Rhysand laughed at that. Cassian’s mother had always wanted him to go to college because she didn’t have the opportunity to. After her death, it was his biggest goal: get accepted to the University of Velaris.

And he did.

“Saw your dad this morning, by the way.”

Rhysand’s smile faded, quickly. “Did he say anything to you?”

Cassian tossed his book onto the coffee table as he stretched his long legs out on the couch. “Yeah. Told me to tell you he says hi and that your mom misses you.”

Rhysand scoffed. “Notice he didn’t say that he missed me.”

“I’m sure he does,” Cassian offered, hesitantly. “In his own…unique…way.”

They both knew that wasn’t true.

His dad had given him an ultimatum a week before school began.

Get back on the team, or leave.

Rhysand used to love basketball, but his father had quickly ruined it for him. A simple win wasn’t good enough. He had to live and breathe basketball, and in the end, he hadn’t enjoyed it anymore.

He had fallen in love with music, instead.

His dad had laughed in his face when Rhys told him as much.

Cassian and Azriel had offered their place without hesitation when Rhys told them that he had to leave his own home, only because he didn’t do what his father wanted him to.

He was eighteen.

Eighteen years of having to do everything that bastard asked of him.

Rhys was done.

So, until his dad stopped being a controlling prick, Rhysand was sleeping on Cassian and Azriel’s couch.

The door of the apartment burst open once more but it wasn’t Azriel who entered.

Mor came in, her cheer outfit neat and clean. She immediately went to the couch and ruffled Cassian's hair.

“I hate it when you do that,” he mumbled. “To what do we owe the pleasure, Morrigan?”

“Senior bonfire is tonight,” she grinned. “You two turds coming?”

Neither of them answered.

“Big college man too important to hang out with us high school kids?” Mor asked, sitting on top of Cassian's legs.

“Yes,” he answered, plainly.

Rhys laughed.

“Come,” Mor begged. “Rumor is Feyre will be there.��

Rhys blinked. “Is this coming from a reliable source or is this cheerleader gossip?”

Mor rolled her eyes. “Both. Elain is on the squad, and she told me that she’s bringing Feyre.”

Cassian looked to Rhys. “Reliable enough for you?”

“I’ll go if Cassian goes,” was all Rhysand said.

“Damn it,” Cassian muttered. “Fine.”

Mor clapped her hands. “Good! I feel like our little group hasn’t been spending enough time together. Amren is having withdrawals.”

“First of all, Amren showing emotion of any kind is shocking,” Cassian began. “Secondly, we literally spent every day this summer together. But it’s nice to know that you can’t go so long without me, Morrigan.”

“Call me Morrigan one more time. I dare you.”

Cassian just grinned and poked her in the side.

Rhys shook his head as she swatted at him. The two of them could do this all day.

“Make Az come,” Mor said, rising to her feet. “After he says no, drag him by his earlobe.”

Az would say no.

He always said no.

Yet, he somehow always managed to tag along with their crazy little group.

He secretly loved them all.

“Yes, Morrigan,” Cassian crooned, dragging out her full name.

She pinched his arm before walking out of the apartment, slamming the door dramatically behind her.

~~~~

“Good. Let’s go before dad gets back and tells me to change.”

Elain looked at her sister and chuckled. She was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved, flannel button down.

“What does he expect you to wear? A turtle neck?”

Feyre chuckled. “Wouldn’t surprise me if he did.”

Elain slipped on her little brown ankle boots and stood, brushing down her tee shirt.

“Trying to impress somebody?” Feyre asked, brows raised as she grabbed her phone off Elain’s dresser.

“No,” Elain said, looking at herself one last time in the mirror. “But, if I happened to stumble upon someone, I wouldn’t be mad about it. And you? Think you’ll see Rhys?”

Feyre turned to leave. “I certainly hope not.”

“Why are you so against him?” Elain pressed, following her down the stairs. “He’s cute.”

“So you go out with him, then.”

Elain just smiled. “Don’t think so. Besides, he’s smitten with you.”

“Smitten?” Feyre repeated. “Who uses smitten?”

Elain took her keys and wallet from the little table by the door before she said, “It wouldn’t hurt you. To get yourself out there.”

“Why do I need someone?”

Elain rolled her eyes, locking the front door behind them. “I didn’t say you needed him. You don’t need anyone. But, you might have fun, and fun is not a bad thing.”

It wasn’t.

Yet, Feyre had secluded herself during her first three weeks at Velaris High. She had made no effort to make new friends. Rhysand tried talking to her, daily, and she dutifully ignored him.

Elain had stared at her in complete shock when Feyre accepted her offer to join her at the bonfire.

But as they pulled onto the field where the bonfire was taking place, Feyre felt uneasy. It wasn’t that she didn’t like other people. In fact, she used to be incredibly sociable. After her mother passed and things became tense between her and her father, though, she had been spending a lot more time alone.

And she liked the solitude.

Elain noticed her little sister’s shift in emotions. As she parked the car, she said, “If at any time you want to leave, find me and we’ll go. Okay?”

Feyre hated the look of concern that washed over Elain’s face. Elain was so excited. She didn’t want to ruin her night.

“It’ll be fun,” Feyre smiled. “I’ll be fine.”

At least, she would pretend to be.

~~~

“Someone spiked the punch.”

Azriel shook his head, completely unsurprised. “Who?”

Cassian shrugged. “Don’t know, but holy shit, that’s a lot of tequila.”

He looked at his plastic cup with a scrunched nose before taking another gulp.

Rhysand laughed. “Apparently it’s not stopping you.”

“Oh, it’s not stopping anyone. It’s gonna be a shit show up in here in about an hour.”

“Rhys!” Kallias called from where he stood around the fire pit. “Come help light it up!”

Rhysand sighed, hopping off the bed of his truck and trudging through the field to the fire pit.

“Long day at work?”

Azriel chuckled. “Yeah. Some old rich bastard came and yelled at me because I hadn’t started on his car yet.”

Cassian blinked. “When did he bring it in?”

“This morning. Told him we were backed up and it wouldn’t be done until tomorrow. Apparently, he wasn’t happy with that answer.”

Cassian shook his head. “Regret not going to college?”

“Not at all. Especially not after seeing your nose stuck in a book non-stop for the last month.”

Cassian raised his glass before taking another drink.

Azriel just laughed and fell back against the flannel blankets in the back of Rhys’ truck.

The sun was nearly down as Kallias began to howl. The fire came to life. Azriel had a hunch that a lot of lighter fluid was involved. High school seniors were not known for safely starting bonfires.

Azriel had graduated with Cassian the year before. While Cassian started at the university, Azriel made his part job time at the garage a full time job. He knew cars, he was good with them. School had never really been his thing. He’d gotten okay grades in high school, but nothing ever interested him too much. But, cars? He loved them.

“Never let Kallias be in charge of starting the fire again,” Rhys muttered, hopping up on the truck bed. “I need everyone to make note of that right now.”

Cassian laughed, a lot more than he should’ve. Azriel assumed it had a lot to do with the punch.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Cassian crooned. “Is tonight the night?”

Rhysand rolled his eyes as Azriel blinked. “The night? The night for what?”

“Cass is convinced she’s going home with me,” Rhys said, shaking his head. “Which would be surprising, considering she hates me.”

Azriel shoved Cassian in the knee with the bottom of his boot. “Don’t be an ass.”

Cassian gave them both his most innocent look. “What?”

“Listen to Az, he’s always been the gentleman of the group.”

Azriel rose up on his elbows to find Mor, along with Amren and a tall, curly black-haired girl, standing at the end of the tailgate.

Mor winked. “I’ve always liked that about you, Az.”

Az couldn’t help the smile that graced his mouth. “At least someone’s on my side.”

Amren’s eyes narrowed, glaring at Cassian’s cup. “How many of those have you had?”

“Oh, Amren,” he chuckled, jumping off the bed and tossing an arm around Amren’s shoulders as his boots hit the dirt. “Walk with me.”

He led her away, a small amused smirk on Amren’s lips as they went to find more punch.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us, Mor?” Rhys asked, nodding toward her date.

“Oh!” Mor said, twirling around and taking the girl’s hand. “This is Carmen. We met at Rita’s a few weeks ago.”

Rhys rose to his feet. “Weeks? And you haven’t told us about her? Damn, Morrigan.”

“Don’t call her Morrigan. She’ll beat your ass,” Azriel muttered, then smiled at Carmen. “Nice to meet you. Ignore him.” He jerked his head in Rhys’ direction.

Carmen laughed as the music began blaring from the speakers in the back of someone’s car.

Mor gasped. “I love this song! Let’s dance. Az, come dance with us.”

“I’ll watch,” he promised.

Mor rolled her eyes but didn’t try and beg him to change his mind.

Rhysand cursed under his breath and Azriel quickly followed his gaze.

But his eyes landed on a girl with brown hair in perfect ringlets and a soft, lavender tee handing off her pale shoulders.

He blinked.

Once.

Twice.

“Who is that?”

“Elain,” Rhysand said, glancing down at where Azriel was lying in the bed. “Feyre’s sister.”

Azriel grunted and nodded, unable to avert his eyes. She was beautiful.

And looking far more excited than her sister.

Feyre looked in their direction, connected eyes with Rhysand, and lifted her cup before downing its contents.

~~~

The house was quiet.

Nesta knocked on the door, anyways.

She waited for a moment, on the dark quiet front porch, before the door swung open.

Her father stood on the welcome mat, eyes wide as he beheld his oldest daughter.

Her clothes were wrinkled, her hair buzzed, her eyes red and puffy.

“Elain said there’s a room for me.”

Isaac nodded, not saying a word.

“I’d like to live in it, if I can. Just for a little while.”

Isaac simply took his daughter’s frail frame into his arms.

After a minute passed and he didn’t let go, Nesta wrapped her arms around him, too.

“Of course,” he whispered, voice hoarse. “Of course.”

~~~

Chapter 4 coming soon.

@throne-of-ashes-and-beauty @photofeesh@mariamuses @cat5313 @anabelkay @sleeping-and-books @ghostlyrose2@alingelina @chemicha @ella-enchanted27 @fourshizzle149 @inrealliampain@kiss-my-maas @notyourclassicshadowhunter @fandoms-everywhere-united@marry28sstuff @ttakeitbacknoww @lilbat90 @bluelyazul @my-fan-side@deliciouslyuniquepizza @supebowlere @rwolf19 @cinemaaddict @musicmaam @fireheart-of-your-dreams @avenrebekah @l0sts0uls1128 @abimomeopectore @mis-lil-red @sezkins79 @city-of-fae @yrenewestfall-official @feysand-rowaelin-worshiper @h-a-p-p-i-e-s @nitrot150 @willsrune @cc-psm @dichotomous-me @mindnumbmikey @theogvodkaaunt @someonemagical @flamefireandice

Send me an ask to be tagged :)

#feysand #elriel #nessian #fanfic #fanfiction #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #tacmc void #void tacmc

239 notes · View notes

pandi-art · 6 years

Text

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE B.U!

!UPDATED VERSION! THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE EXPLAINED.

(Updates are in the 2nd part (hyyh notes) in bold characters.)

Hi ! Long time no see. It's been 500 years since I posted my last theory. I'm coming back today with this brand new one. By gathering all the information we were given I realized the BU isn't that complicated and stuff start to make sense when you understand each of their characters and put everything in chronological order. So hold on to your wigs my dears.

This post will be divided in 3 parts :

Members profile

Hyyh notes (summary) and videos in chronological order

My conclusion (theory)

Sources for translated hyyh notes :

- https://docs.google.com/document/d/19wOFwTDQiD-DAxabwxlt4wV_Eq6Y6dKEihckWIwQm3g/mobilebasic

- @papercrowns (marked by this annotation*) + all the quoted notes from the update.

This is the story of 7 boys with different coping mechanisms. This is a story about how friendship grows over time. This is a story about the long path leading to self love.

I. MEMBERS PROFILE

Jungkook

Age: 17 (the youngest)

Family : - Mother / Alive

- Step-father / Alive

- Step-brother / Alive

- Not really close with family.

- Runs away often.

Use to get bullied by step-brother. « [...] my stepfather clearing his throat. My stepbrother continuously kicking me while laughing. My stepfather's relatives would look elsewhere or talk about meaningless things. As if I didn't exist, as if I was nothing. In front of them, my mother stood helplessly. »

Strengths : Strong composure ; in touch with his feelings and values ; true to himself ; brave ; attentive ; empathetic ; idealist.

Weaknesses: Habit of keeping his emotions for himself and depreciating his own struggles ; Stubborn ; Tendency of isolating himself in hard times ; Sensitive ; Trouble expressing feelings.

Fears: Losing the ones he loves ; Going back to the time when he didn't know his hyungs.

His place in the group dynamic. - « the 15 year old me who had nothing » (cf. Begin). His hyungs taught him what his parents failed to pass on. They're his second family. He's the youngest and is being treated as such. He's always there when his hyungs need him.

- Is closer with Yoongi because of their shared passion for music.

Interests : Music; drawing.

Analysis: Jungkook has trouble accepting the fact that the hyungs whom he looks up to so much are becoming very unstable. The feeling of « home » his hyungs gave him is compromised. He doesn't react well to that. In the notes he talks about having a nightmare « Yoongi hyung was standing on the bed. Flames shooting up from the edge of the sheet. In that moment my whole body became entangled in rage and fear that I couldn't hold back. I wasn't someone who spoke well. I was slow to express my feeling or to convince anyone else. Tears welled up and I coughed and words would not come out. As I ran into those flames the only words I could manage to spit out were, « We promised to go to the beach together. »*

He starts to adopt an attention seeking behavior. We might not have realized that, but Jungkook emphasized several times how for a big part of his life he was considered basically invisible (ex : his family ignoring him while his stepbrother was beating him). When he met the others, for the first time in his life he felt like he mattered. He was suddenly loved and important. Taking that away from him triggered buried emotions which he didn't know how to deal with.

« I finally fulfilled my wish. When I saw the hooligans on the street, I bumped into them and got a beating. As they beat me, I laughed. [...] I felt the tears coming and purposefully let myself cry »

The boy who rarely shows his emotions purposefully let himself cry out loud. He stands on top of buildings rising his hands like he's gonna jump. He shakes his hyung's shoulders as a cry for help. He gets himself beat up. He walks nonchalantly near the road... Would it really matter if a car comes too fast ?

« [ ...] holding out both of my hands for balance [...] That gave me an idea that I could die if I just took one more step. [...] No one would be sad if I was not around anyway »

Jungkook is crying for help in his own way. He wants to help his hyungs more than anybody. He wants to save the ones who saved him.

Taehyung

Age : 19

Family : - Father / Alive

- Older sister / Alive

- History of domestic violence.

Strengths : Observant, Naturally sociable, Curious, Enthusiastic, Imaginative.

Weaknesses : Impulsive ; Has difficulty focusing ; Poor practical skills ; Highly emotional ; Overthink things ; Can't stand being restrained by rules or higher authorities.

Fears : His father ; Becoming like his father. « in my body Dad's blood flows. Is there violence in me too? There is something that wants to burst out of my tightly prepared self-defense net. »

His place in the group dynamic : Taehyung doesn't mind being a follower, he doesn't need to ask that many questions, he has infinite trust towards his hyungs and if one of them jumped from a window and shouted from the ground to do the same with no reasons he would do it. He catches on things quickly, if one of them was hiding something he would notice it even though he won't say anything. He's more on the extroverted side, he's always down for new challenges and adventures that can involve going out of his comfort zone.

He looks up to Namjoon a lot, maybe because Namjoon seem to be more free-spirited, open-minded and confident about his thoughts.

Interests : Although being full of ideas and creativity, doesn't have any apparent hobby. Enjoys hanging out and playing with his friends the most.

Analysis: Taehyung is the kind of person who enjoys people's company and different stories. He couldn't count on his father for being the company he needed. All the advice and support he should've received from his father, he received from his hyungs which built this unique admiration towards them. He's stuck between wanting to make his hyungs proud and the need to evacuate his overflowing unexpressed frustration by acting up (vandalism etc...). By not respecting the law, he proves that no one can put chains around him, not even the police. He's seeking for the freedom his father took away from him.

Jimin

Age : 19

Family : - Mother / Alive

- Father(?) / Unknown

- Siblings(?) / Unknown

Strengths : Altruistic, Tolerant, Reliable, Clever.

Weaknesses : Too sensitive ; Low self-esteem ; Perfectionist ; Struggles to make tough decisions.

Fears : Letting people down

His place in the group dynamic : He gets along with everyone, not the type who would bring trouble to the group. He acts fine in order to up the mood of his friends, doesn't want them to worry.

Interests : Dance

Analysis : Jimin suffers from post traumatic disorder since an event that happened in an arboretum when he was a kid. (from Yoongi's notes) «I had been walking along with my head down [...] When I almost collided with someone, I lifted my head. Jimin was standing there as if frozen in place. The muscles in his face trembled as if had seen something terrifying. He was staring at a sign that said « Flowering Arboretum, 2.2km »

He often goes to the hospital to treat his illness because he sometimes get seizures. We don't exactly know what happened there but he briefly talked about in his notes. He was apparently on a school trip and decided to disobey the teacher and wander in the arboretum on his own. He got lost and it started raining. He was extremely scared. When Jimin talks about this experience, he refers it as him acting selfish. Probably meaning he got everyone worried because of his own selfish and immature behavior. He walked until he came across a storage space. We don't know what happened next.

After being treated at the hospital for the umpteenth time he chose to lie to his doctor by saying he didn't remember what happened at the arboretum. He was tired of fighting.

However two years later, he decided to face his fears by finally going to the arboretum. « I had to stop living in hiding in the hospital and stop having seizures. If I wanted to do that, I had to go to that place. » He goes to the bus stop every day but can't seem to ride the bus because he doesn't have enough courage. Until one day Yoongi appears and Jimin, on an impulse, asks him if he wants to come with him. We don't know what happened after that.

His ptsd is expressed through the symbolism of water (he was lost in the rain) in the hyyh videos. When will Jimin finally overcome his trauma ? What really happened in the arboretum ? Those are some of the questions we're left with, with no answers.

Hoseok

Age : 20

Family : - Mother / Unknown

- Father(?) / Unknown

- Orphan since he was 7 (Mother abandoned him in an amusement park)

Strengths : Strong sense of duty ; loyal ; warm ; good at connecting with others.

Weaknesses : Too critical on himself ; too selfless sometimes ; places importance on what is socially acceptable (very cautious).

Fears : Fear of abandonment.

His place in the group dynamic : He's the tension reliever. He doesn't miss any opportunity to have fun with his friends, he's also very loyal and always there for them. Considers Jimin like his little brother since the day they met. He has a soft spot for him and feels like he has to take care of him since he learned about his illness. (Jimin's notes) « It takes 2 hours walking from school to home. [...]just after the start of the new semester. Hyung approached me and stayed with me for 2 hours. In regards to the fact that our homes are not even in the same direction, I only found out a long time later. »

Interests : Dance

Analysis : Hoseok is a pretty bright person, and his main issues come from the fact that he was abandoned as a child by his own mother. His critical self has trouble accepting that hole he has in his heart, he doesn't know how to deal with negative emotions well. So he takes meds, thinking it will fix the sadness like it fixes a cold. Even though it doesn't, he still takes them just to put his mind at ease. « I take pills I don't even need and faint no matter the location. » (cf. Hoseok notes). He'd rather overdose on pills and faint than go through sad emotions. He tries to find joy in every little moments. This is his coping mechanism. Faking it until he cant feel sadness anymore. « even if I hate it I smile, and even when I'm sad I smile. »

Namjoon

Age : 20

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Alive

- Younger sibling / Alive

His family have a very poor financial situation.

Strengths : Logical, open-minded, values harmony, passionate, self-aware, idealist

Weaknesses : His self-awareness can become the element that triggers a spiral of negative thoughts ; he isolates himself when he feels misunderstood ; habit of blaming himself

Fears : Growing up ; hurting people

His place in the group dynamic : Although there's something very pure about him, Namjoon has a very mature way of thinking compared to his peers. This is why the others come to him when they need advice or someone responsible.

Interests : Reading

Analysis : Namjoon has a sensitive soul and is full of different opinions about the world. He sees the corruptness, dishonesty and hollowness in adults and doesn't want to become like them. It doesn't mean he wants to behave like a kid either. Namjoon is idealistic and dreams about a world where his expectations wouldn't fall short unlike reality. In real life Namjoon is poor (mentioned it several times in the notes), his father is sick, his sibling often runs away from home and he lives in a container. He had to act like a grown up too soon and he hates that. His solitary self rebels by cutting all ties with the outside world and staying off the grid. The problem with that is that his friends might feel lonely in times when they need him the most, specially Taehyung...

Yoongi

Age : 21

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Dead (passed away in a fire)

- Also implicitly mentions domestic abuse

Strengths: Independent, Hard-working, Determined, Confident (doesn't doubt his ideas and thoughts)

Weaknesses: Despises highly structured environments (following rules blindly, social conventions...) ; Is clueless about human relationships ; too careless sometimes

Fears: Losing someone (death) ; Himself

His place in the group dynamic : He seem to genuinely care for his friends and wants to help them (like helping Jungkook with music) but he 's more of an independent type of guy and likes to solve his own problems alone and do everything his way. It'd be great if he could listen to his peers more sometimes...

Interest : Music (he composes songs)

Analysis : Yoongi's house burned down when he was 15, his mother was in the house and died. Their piano burned down too. Yoongi refers to that piano « that will never make a sound again » several times, we also see it in numerous videos. I think it represents his love for music that died the same day his mom did. It looks like his father isn't really supportive of him pursuing an artistic career. However Yoongi mentioned in his notes that his mother used to play the piano. So in my opinion, his mother was the only one encouraging him, cheering for him and hoping he'll succeed with his music. After she passed away, Yoongi probably gave up and lost his passion. Now this is where I think Jungkook played an important role. It is very possible that Jungkook's love for music may have ignited that passion back in Yoongi and made him start playing piano again. (more details in the notes summary)

Seokjin

Age : 22

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Unknown

- Siblings / Unknown

his family seem to be somewhat wealthy (they can afford traveling and sending Jin overseas to study)

Strengths : Great analyst, imaginative, enthusiastic, objective, straight-forward.

Weaknesses : Very private, absent-minded, condescending

Fears : Living with regret for the rest of his life

His place in the group dynamic : The older brother. They all became very close overtime which surprised Jin who never experienced a friendship like this. He was pretty lonely most of his life and he suddenly had 6 younger brothers who he deeply cared about. He's the one who drives them around and sometimes pay for their meals.

Interests : Photography ; filmography

Analysis : When Jin first arrived in the school and didn't know anyone, he had an interesting conversation with the principal that sounded to this day still very mysterious to me. Some of the principal's words were « School in general is a dangerous place, we need order and control. Don't you think so as well ? ». « I trust that you'll do well » he says to a very nervous Jin who was looking down at the principal's shoes. Jin's father standing behind him also spoke to the principal « I am leaving him in your hands ». Now if you think about what you just read and couple that with the red bullet vcr (which is surprisingly pretty canon to the hyyh notes) you'll noticed that something suspicious is going on here. In the vcr Jin is wearing an earpiece, listening to what the principal is saying. The earpiece also appears in the red bullet concert poster and the short film Awake. It's a recurrent object linked to Jin's character. So my crazy theory is... That Jin is the principal's spy. Ok maybe « spy » isn't exactly the correct word but something shady is going between Jin's father and the principal and I'm pretty sure corruptness is involved. So Jin, after arriving at this new school, follows the footsteps of his father (we'll learn later that his father was in the same school and also sacrificed his friends for what exactly ? We don't know yet) and becomes this « spy » that will denounce every student (or maybe just a particular group of student... ) who don't follow the rules. Of course as he becomes close with the « delinquents » he learns true friendship and what it's like to be free and careless and as a result regrets his acts (he betrayed them a few times) and starts to dislike himself for being this corrupted person.

II. HYYH NOTES AND VIDEOS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

Each year represent Seokjin's age.

The updates are in bold characters! I also had to modify some of the old notes as my interpretation of them changed after reading the new ones.The modified one are in bold too. (Credit to @papercrowns for the quoted new notes)

YEAR 10

23 July 10

Hoseok – His mother brings him to an amusement park, tells him to close his eyes and count to 10. When he opens his eyes she's not there anymore. She abandoned him. Hoseok becomes traumatized every time someone asks him to count, he can't count passed 9. His ptsd (post-traumatic disorder) starts to show itself in the form of narcolepsy. He collapses every time he thinks about his mother.

29 December 10

Taehyung – He finds his father in the living room, he can't remember when he last saw him so he runs to his embrace, but his father who reeked of alcohol curses at him and slaps him. He hits him several times and throws him against the wall. « Although his bloodshot eyes were scary, I couldn't cry because I was too scared. That was not my dad. No, he was, but it didn't feel like him. »

YEAR 11

6 April 11

Jimin – gets lost in the arboretum. Start of his trauma.

YEAR 16

Yoongi – House burns down with his mother still inside. She passes away that day.

YEAR 19

2 March 19

Seokjin – Comes back from the US and transfers to a new school. Has a mysterious conversation with the principal and his father.

12 June 19

Yoongi – They all ditch school and don't know where to go. Namjoon suggests the beach since it's a hot day. They all agree excitedly and decide to walk there since they don't have enough money to take the bus. They seem to be having a good time, they joke around a lot. Yoongi notices Jimin who suddenly stops with a terrified look on his face at a sign that says «Flowering Arboretum, 2.2 km ».

28 May 19

Jungkook - he asks his hyungs what their dreams are because he has to write a paper on future hopes. They all tell him their dreams and it matches with each of their personality and situation. Jungkook however doesn't know what he wants to become.

25 June 19

Seokjin – “I thought often, that a photo could never capture what the eyes can”. Seokjin is in the storage classroom reading the scribbling written on the walls. He wonders what kind of people were coming to this classroom before. At one point he wonders « And would there have been someone like me ? Someone who told the principal all about their friends.

30 August 19

Jimin – He thinks about how he has transferred schools so many times and how he's frequently admitted to the hospital. He feels lucky he found someone like Hoseok who was super nice to him since the beginning when he didn't know anybody at their school. Hoseok always stayed with him after school and they'd have fun. Jimin is scared because he wonders how long those good days will last.

YEAR 20

20 March 20

Taehyung – Catches Seokjin talking on the phone with the principal. Seokjin tells the principal everything Taehyung and Yoongi did the last few days (skipping class, climbing over walls and fighting other kids). Taehyung can't believe what he's hearing. He's shocked and confused, but thinks that Seokjin must have had a good reason. « Because hyung knew more than me, and was smarter and older ». He tries to forget it and acts like nothing happened. « I went into the classroom smiling foolishly [...] I wouldn't tell anyone else that I had overheard that conversation ».

15 May 20

Namjoon – he's moving away in two weeks. Goes to their warehouse classroom that they claimed as their secret base one last time. He doesn't know if he'll ever get the chance to come back. He doodles the words « You must survive » unconsciously on a piece of paper and then folds it into a ball and puts it in his pocket. Before leaving he fogs up the window with his breath and writes « We will meet again » hoping it's a promise between them.

25 June 20

Yoongi – Yoongi keeps a half-burned piano key he found in the ruins of his mother's room after the fire. He hasn't been to school for 10 days. He can't stand living in his house with his dad anymore. The house is silent all the time « to the point it becomes suffocating ». He hates living under his father's rules and predetermined time-table. He hates depending on him financially and always having to listen to his scoldings.

Jungkook – Two weeks ago, when the teacher discovered their secret classroom, there were only Jungkook and Yoongi there. Jungkook, who had skipped class again, was listening to Yoongi play the piano. Jungkook was so amazed by Yoongi playing the piano that he started having tears in his eyes. Suddenly, the door of the class violently opened and next thing he knew he was on the ground after being slapped very hard by his teacher. When he turned around his saw Yoongi sheltering him with his body and pushing the teacher back.

Today Jungkook is alone in the classroom, he just learned the news that Yoongi got expelled. He's sad and wonders if he got expelled because of him. « If it wasn't for me, hyung wouldn't have hit the teacher. If it wasn't for me, hyung would still be here playing the piano. »

12 July 20

Jin – it's the start of the summer vacation. Jin is leaving the school. He feels guilty about telling the principal about the storage classroom. He didn't know Jungkook and Yoongi would be in here at that time. No one knows he was the complicit. « As I passed the school gate, I thought of the first day I had come to this school. We had all been punished for tardiness together. We could laugh because of it. I had ruined these moments » .

15 September 20

Hoseok – Jimin's mother and Hoseok are in the emergency room after Jimin had a seizure at the bus stop. Jimin's mother is extremely worried and she keeps on checking if everything is well in the room. Hoseok is impressed and intimidated by Jimin's mom even though she seemed very warm. She keeps thanking Hoseok, but she obviously can only think about her son right now. « I suddenly felt an invisible line being drawn between Jimin's mother and myself. That line was sure and solid [...] It was a line that I could never surmount. » He thinks about how he lived in an orphanage for 10 years and how he'll never feel that motherly love.

28 September 20

Jimin – He's still in the hospital. He stopped counting the days. He lost hope and gave up on the idea of getting out. He's medicated and according to him it makes everything dull and boring. Today is the day he told his first lie. He told the doctor that he didn't remember a thing (about what happened in the arboretum probably). This is the beginning of his new « coping » mechanism = lying.

30 September 20

Jungkook – He stills goes to their secret classroom alone even though his hyungs don't go there anymore. « I suddenly realized : those days were gone and they would never return. » Him going back to that room even though the hyungs don't symbolizes how he's the most dedicated in terms of working hard to maintain their friendship. Jungkook's « coping » mechanism is his hyungs and this is why they mean so much to him and he wants to spend time with them. It's a healthier coping mechanism (seeking for mutual support ) compared to his hyungs.

YEAR 21

25 February 21

Hoseok – He's practicing a dance in a studio. He feels the best when he's dancing. He looks at himself in the mirror, he wants to grasp that moment and take the most of it « because it's a time where I can be myself ». He doesn't feel the need to wear a « mask » when he dances.

A year passes by without any news.

17 December 21

Namjoon – He takes the bus to go back to the school he left a year ago. He's tired of the same boring routine and wants to run away from poverty. His father is still pretty ill.

YEAR 22

2 March 22

Hoseok – He's talking about how he liked his part-time job at a fast-food restaurant because he likes being around people. « If I smiled brightly and spoke loudly and reacted cheerfully, even by force, I could eventually trick myself into believing I actually felt that way. »

Even though some days were difficult, he was able to endure it all because he had his friends by his side. But now that Seokjin transferred school without a word, Namjoon moved away, Yoongi cut ties with them since he got expelled, Taehyung whose whereabouts are always a mystery and Jimin who never came back to school after he was once again admitted to the hospital, Hoseok only really saw Jungkook sometimes outside with his school uniform, but he never visited the store.

29 March 22

Taehyung – He gets hit by the owner of the gas station for doing graffiti on his wall. He remembers how he started doing graffiti. How he felt relieved as if all his stress disappeared when he was doing it. He felt good seeing all the bright colors against the gray wall. All of his feelings were spread out on a wall. Even if it wasn't pretty, it was him. He was surprised when Namjoon suddenly joined him while smiling and handing him a spray can. Namjoon's presence instantly made him feel good.

7 April 22

Yoongi is drunk and wandering down the streets at night when he suddenly hears the sound of a piano. The melody is familiar and he knows oh so well where that sound comes from. He runs towards the music store. He sees through the window someone sitting in front of the piano, crying, their hands curled into fists. Although many years had passed Yoongi recognized Jungkook at once. He doesn't want to comfort him because he's not confident he can protect him so he'd rather not intervene. He doesn't want to hurt him. But before he can leave he hears « Hyung ». They're both seeing each other for the first time since Yoongi quit high school.

11 April 22

Seokjin – He dreams about Taehyung standing alone on the top of the observatory platform at the beach. « This happened on May 22. It was the past and the future. » I think Seokjin has the ability to have visions of the future. The things he sees may or may not happen. It all depends on him (or at least that's what he thinks). He has this vision that something's going to happen on May 22 and he's scared. « When I opened my eyes again it was today, April 11th ». It feels like he's traveling through time with his visions. In my opinion those are just bad thoughts and nightmare produced by stress. But for our unstable Seokjin it means more than that. (I go deeper on the theory of how he can't let go of the past later)

Seokjin - He goes alone to the beach they used to go 2 years ago. He remembers all the good times. Those times are shown in the Prologue video. (The first part where Taehyung is covered in blood happened way after the rest of the video when they all hang out at the beach) « Although we [...] had nothing and had no idea of what the future held, at least we were together ». While driving, he decides at the last minute to go to the gas station to see Namjoon. He decides he's going to fight for their friendship.

Namjoon - He has to deal with bad costumers who throw money out of their car. Someone picks up the money for him. It's Seokjin. Even though Seokjin knows all about his situation Namjoon still has trouble facing him because he feels embarrassed about his poverty and his cowardliness (as he says).

Jungkook – I NEED U scene where he gets beat up by the thugs (on purpose : « I finally fulfilled my wish »)

Jungkook - He is standing on the top of a building, one foot hanging in the air. He thinks about how everything would end if he took one more step. He closes his eyes and slowly lean forward. The fear suddenly went away. He was going leave this world without thinking about anything. But then, as he held his breath and was about to jump, his phone rang. It was Yoongi. Jungkook comes back to his senses.

Yoongi - Him and Jungkook go to meet the others in Namjoon's container. Hoseok who's also at Namjoon's is surprised when he sees that Yoongi showed up. It's been a really long time since they all saw Yoongi. Taehyung and Namjoon are also there. Yoongi notices how the atmosphere when they're together is still the same as if they were in their old classroom. « How long had it been since we met like this ? I couldn't remember. [...] This was a place I had come to for the first time, but my heart was at ease. »

28 April

Namjoon notices things aren't going very well for Taehyung lately. He's always at the police station and has bruises on his body. Namjoon doesn't want to push Taehyung to talk to him about his worries, he's waiting for Taehyung to say it himself.

Taehyung has a nightmare again, about Yoongi dying.

2 May 22

Yoongi – His room is slowing catching on fire. Yoongi thinks about his father and how he never understood him. He's having trouble breathing and starts feeling the heat but suddenly he hears Jungkook's voice shouting from nearby.

Jungkook – After saving Yoongi from the fire Jungkook is back in Namjoon's container. He can't tell what happened. « My whole body trembled, and I wanted to cry. But no tears came* » He remembers how he opened the door and how Yoongi was standing in the middle of the flames. Jungkook felt rage and fear. The only thing he was able to shout was « We promised to go to the beach together. »

Namjoon shakes Jungkook's shoulder and feels his forehead to see if he has a fever. « I had a throbbing headache and my throat hurt. * » But Jungkook feels relieved when he sees Namjoon taking care of him.

19 May 22

Jimin – He's out of the hospital. Decides he wants to face his fears so he plan on going to the Flowering Arboretum. He lets three buses pass by at the bus stop because he has trouble gathering the courage to go. Yoongi comes and sit next to him. He does some small talk until another bus comes by and Jimin asks him to come with him.

20 May 22

Taehyung breaks down and almost kills his father. « Instead of stabbing my father I had hit the floor with the alcohol bottle. The bottle had shattered and cut my hand »*. He couldn't take it anymore. The whole thing is like a blur to him, he didn't even notice his father leaving the room. But Taehyung is here in the room with a bandage on his hand and Hoseok is standing besides him wordlessly. « In my heart I killed him so many times I can't even begin to count them. I want to kill him. [...] I don't know what to do »* Taehyung stares down at Namjoon's phone number. He really wants to see him right now.

Hoseok goes to the police station with Taehyung for emotional support. He feels bad for him because he knows how much Taehyung has suffered.

22 May 22

Namjoon is walking down the beach alone while talking on the phone. « we're only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I'm his hyung. I know. But he can't be a young kid forever. Isn't time that he deal with it alone ? Got it. I get it. No I'm not getting mad. I'm sorry. »*

Taehyung sees Namjoon and hides himself so he won't see him. He overhears his phone conversation and gets very angry. He wants to hit him but contains himself. He's scared to become like his father. I'm still not sure to why Taehyung got so angry at what Namjoon said but I assume Namjoon was talking about Taehyung in his phone call and instead of being a friend Namjoon is basically saying that he's fed up of being the responsible one every time and cleaning up his mess so he'd would rather let Taehyung deal with his issues so he would maybe learn to think more before acting so carelessly.

Taehyung - « Hyung, is that all ? Isn't there something else you are hiding from us ? Taehyung and Jin get into a fight. Probably about Jin, the principal, and everything else he's hiding from the others. Namjoon tries to calm Taehyung down but Taehyung remembers the phone call he overheard and gets even more angry. He feels alone. « What's so special about being together ? What are we to each other. We're all alone in the end. » Seokjin hits Taehyung.

The same day (or night)

Jungkook describes like a weird dream where he sees the moon and he hears someone telling him « Living is more painful then dying. Do you still want to live? ». He also mentions how he can't open his eyes and how his body feels heavy and seems to float at the same time. It feels like he's losing consciousness.

12 May

Hoseok thinks he saw his mother passing by. He run towards her but when he finally calls her, the woman who turns around isn't his mom. Hoseok realizes that what he was doing was ridiculous, he doesn't even remember what his mother looks like. Jimin who was following him witnessed the whole scene.

15 May

Jimin - They all help Jimin escape the hospital. Hoseok takes Jimin, Namjoon is on the look out , Yoongi was distracting the nurse, and Taehyung and Jungkook were waiting for them near the elevator. Jimin dreamed about this moment for a long time. The time he'll finally get out of the hospital and meet his friends.

16 May

Jimin - After running out of the hospital Jimin is going to live at Hoseok’s house because he doesn’t want to see his parents. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't stay in the hospital any longer.

25 May 22

Yoongi - Highlight Reel scene when he's playing piano with the girl and she takes his cigarette. Maybe seeing Jungkook again made him want to restart playing music.

31 May 22

Highlight Reel scene where Jimin is filming Hoseok dancing.

Hoseok – He's in the practice room with his friend. He'd known her for 10 years and they learned dancing together. While they're playing around he suddenly starts having a panic attack because he started thinking about his mother again.

5 June 22

Namjoon – Highlight Reel scene where he meets the girl handing flyers on the bridge.

8 June 22

Yoongi- He was thinking about how the girl took his lighter when he suddenly receives a text message that makes him smile. « I didn't know what was so great, but the me wearing a tight red colored t-shirt that had the word « Dream » on it was smiling like a fool ». I think he received a text from the girl, and maybe she was talking about something related to music, like a song he composed ?

13 June 22

Jin is remembering the last time they all went to the sea together. That night he had a fight with Taehyung (he probably confronted him about everything he's heard and wanted to know the reason behind his betrayal). Jin punched Taehyung (BST Japanese ver. Scene) and Taehyung ran out. While Jin is remembering that he wonders when he'll have the courage to face himself entirely and smile together with his friends like the photo of them at the sea he's keeping.

[ Some people think Euphoria is another timeline where Jin fixed everything but I don't think so. First of all Taehyung still has his bandage on his hand so the thing with his father still happened. I think this is just Seokjin imagining the best outcome, what would happen if they'll finally reunite and be happy together like before.]

He suddenly receives a message from Hoseok that says Jungkook got into a car accident the other night. « The other night » probably meaning May 22nd when Jungkook notes were weird and talked about losing consciousness and having hallucinations.

Coincidentally enough, an image of Jungkook getting hit by a car flashes on the screen just before the Euphoria video ends.

Yoongi immediately runs to the hospital after hearing the news but when he sees Jungkook « lying down with corpses like patients passing by » he can't even enter the room, he can't even look at Jungkook. This is triggering him and he feels like a voice inside his head is telling him that it's his fault. He's drunk and pushes away the girl who grabs his arm. He needs to be alone. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Yoongi is traumatized by what happened to his mother and is afraid the same thing will happen to Jungkook. This moment is well expressed in the First Love short film where a car crashes into the music shop and burns the piano. Jungkook's car accident triggers his memory of the burning piano ( = his mom passing away).

14 June 22

Jungkook – Highlight Reel scene where he's in a wheelchair and meets the girl in the hospital hallway.

18 June 22

Taehyung – Highlight Reel scene where he catches the girl trying to steal in the convenience store and buys her the stuff she wanted to steal.

25 June 22

Taehyung – They meet in the convenience store for the third time, this time she follows him when he gets out which makes Taehyung laughs because she's trying to be discreet but she's not at all. They interact for the first time.

30 June 22

Namjoon is in an elevator and the girl he met on the bridge suddenly enters. He notices that her hair is tied with a yellow rubber band. This might have reminded him of his poverty. I think he also sees something pure about this girl. He's seeing innocence, which is something he missed a lot. This is why he's so intrigued by her and wants to know her more but doesn't have the courage to interact with her.

3 July 22

Jimin is practicing really hard at the dance studio. He wants to impress Hoseok but he feels like he's nowhere near his level which frustrates him. He just wants to be recognized as a serious equal partner that can match Hoseok so he's being really hard on himself.

4 July 22

Jimin – While he was dancing with « noona from the dance club », he made a wrong movement and they both collided. Jimin injured himself. He's in the bathroom trying to clean the blood on his arm while shaking. He thinks about the Arboretum thing and realized he hasn't overcome it at all. After coming back to his senses he remembers his noona fell too. He runs after them under the rain with an umbrella but realizes it was useless because it's too late. He's completely disappointed in himself and thinks the only thing he's good at is leaving people behind and trembling at his own pain only.

Same day

Hoseok takes care of the girl and brings her to the hospital. While she's receiving aid he notices an airplane ticket in her bag. He realizes she got the audition she took for an overseas dance team. He acts like he didn't see anything because he doesn't have the courage to congratulate her. He feels broken inside. It feels like it's all happening over again. She's going to left him just like his mother did.

(From now on, each of their stories will follow the same pattern. The girls they met are going to leave them one by one.)

11 July 22

Seokjin – Highlight Reel scene where the girl drops her journal and he picks it up.

13 July 22

Namjoon – notices the girl with the yellow rubber band on the bus sitting in front of him, she's sleeping. He thinks about how they rode the same bus and went to the same library for 3 weeks. He finally decides he's not going to try anything. He leaves a hair band on top of her bag and exits the bus. « That was not a beginning nor an end. It was nothing to start with and there was no reason for it to be anything. So I thought it really didn't matter ».

16 July 22

Jungkook is still in the hospital. He's singing a song to himself. The song's lyrics and melody make him feel emotional.

17 July 22

Taehyung got super close with the convenience store girl within a month. They hung out often and shared a lot of good memories together. But today she's nowhere to be found. She drew a big « X » on all the graffiti they made together. It was like she drew an X on all of their memories. Taehyung is angry. He doesn't know why she did that. « Why ? Of course there were no response. I kept walking. We were alone again. Me and her. »

20 July 22

Namjoon is in a library. Seeing the books remind him of his time in high school. He wonders if he grew up since then. He wants to get back everything he had given up. (his friendships?)

26 July 22

Jungkook is healed. Highlight reel scene where he runs to give flowers to the girl but no one is in her room.

Jungkook thinks about all the good times he spent with the girl in the hospital. He remembers that the stories he told her were only stories about his hyungs. « I only existed inside my relationship with them. [...]There may come a day when they would no longer be at my side. » Jungkook slowly realizes that his friendship with his hyungs maybe isn't the healthiest there might be.

28 July 22

Jimin got used to practicing dance late at night. He notices how his skills improved as much as he practiced. He realizes that he's getting more and more confident with his dance. The fear of doing mistakes slowly disappears and he can finally have fun while dancing.

29 July 22

Yoongi – He mentions that he gave up on music several times but always ended up going back to playing it again. I think the day Jungkook had his accident he stopped playing the piano, however today he started wanting to play again. « I didn't want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that had been made by the guitar and piano. »

3 August 22

Seokjin - All seven of them go back to their old secret classroom together. They accidentally find Seokjin's father's journal (well hidden). But he only wrote bad moments up until a point where he just completely stopped writing about his friends. His last page is covered in dark ink and it bled onto the next pages. Seokjin thinks it's like it was predicting his father's failures. It seems like it represents the beginning of him choosing corruption over his friends.

There are hidden letters behind the ink stains. Seokjin reads them (but doesn't tell us what they are). He's happy they got to go to the classroom because he thinks this is destiny and he had to find this notebook for a reason. He had to realize his mistakes and not reproduce what his father did, and also « find a map to his soul ». Which I think means forgive himself and learn to love himself.

11 August 22

Taehyung - He finds a message the girl wrote on the wall. It basically says that she didn't left because of him or because she thought he was a bad person.

The same day Taehyung decides to confront his father. He intervenes while his father was beating his older sister. Not by fighting back though. He tries to hold his father's arms down. He has a realization. «I'm not like my father. I'm going to protect our family. »

13 August 22

Hoseok – He broke his ankle so he can't dance. He watches Jimin and the girl dance in the practice room. By watching as a spectator he realizes that Jimin's « mistakes » he used to point out actually come together to give a unique feeling. Jimin's dance was different from his but it no case less good. Hoseok thinks it was actually really beautiful and heart-moving.

15 August 22

Seokjin – He finally finds a flower shop that sells smeraldos. He visited other shops but none of them did. He orders them for delivery because they haven't officially opened yet. The only reason he needs this specific flower is because he wants to make her happy. And he knows she loves this flower in particular.

30 August 22

Seokjin – While he gets ready for his date, he has a vision about the girl dying in front of his very own eyes. He's scared. His mood switches completely, he decides to go on his date with a casual outfit.

The follow-up (update) of the 30 August note is at the end of my theory. I decided to place it there because it just confirms what I wrote pretty well and it makes a good conclusion. Also it's the last note in chronological order.

----------------------------------

OKAY.

So now that we went over everything in chronological order (I can't believe it took 12 pages), it is now T time my children. And no, T doesn't stand for tea.

It stands for THEORY.

Seokjin's « girlfriend » tragically dies in front of his own eyes. It is all really similar to the original story of the smeraldo flower. I don't know if any of you heard of it but basically it's about a guy who hid himself in his castle because of his hideous looking appearance. One day, a woman appeared in his garden, she took a flower and left. It angered him in the beginning. The next day she did the same, and the day after, and the day after that too. He started becoming curious about the woman and began waiting for her each day. He then learned that the girl was actually selling the flowers to make a living. He desperately wanted to help her but he couldn't show himself, he was scared he'd terrify her. So he decided to create a flower that doesn't exist on this planet so the woman could sell them at an expensive price. When he finally made the flower he filled his garden with it. But the woman stopped coming. He waited for her everyday but she never came. He eventually found out that she had died.

Jin, who didn't love himself, decided to wait until he could buy the smeraldo flower. An exceptional flower that would impress her. Instead of meeting her with only his humble self. He didn't have the confidence. But in the end, it was all for nothing, because she died.

It's the same with his friends. Instead of being present and here for them, he waited because he didn't have confidence or felt like he didn't deserve their friendship. Which led to them getting into even more troubles and feeling more lonely.

The camera Seokjin carries all the time symbolizes his constant regret, his willingness to turn back time and the fact that he doesn't live in the present at all.

He wants to record the innocence and genuine moments because it's not something he's often exposed to in the world he lives in (higher social status, business like relationships with everyone his family knows). He wants to keep this forever. He keeps filming even during bad moments as if doesn't want to face reality and wants to make every moment good. His coping mechanism is denial. But because of his denial, he alienates himself from the others.

At the end of the prologue, when Yoongi doesn't appear next to him in the Polaroid, it symbolizes how he's slowly parting away from his friends who are left alone.

In the Highlight Reels, during the scene where Seokjin is choosing what he's going to wear to meet the girl, the date « 30 August » appears on the screen. When he changes he accidentally knocks down a vase of white lilies. White lilies symbolizes innocence and are often use in funerals. The camera pans on the fallen lilies. It's foreshadowing the girl's imminent death.

In the notes Seokjin says that after seeing the girl died he thought « If only I could turn back time ».

« IF » so I don't think he really does. Although I'm a fan of time traveling stories, I feel like all the « time traveling » stuff we got were in Seokjin's imagination.

Seokjin becomes obsessed with the idea of turning back time and finding the exact moment that triggered all the other bad events. He desperately wants to find a cause, a reason to each of their suffering. This is what the notes are in my opinion. It's a collection of logs, events and dates, and it's like Seokjin is investigating through them to find out what went wrong (so if he was giving the power to turn back time he would go to that time in particular). He's making up theories (if I did that instead, this would've happened) and looking for clues, just like us.

But our pain in life doesn't come from just one event. It's a series of happening, the way we perceive things, the way we grew up, our environment, our personality, SO much things are involved that it's impossible to just go back to one point in life and fix the life of 7 different people at once.

This is my interpretation on things of course and I think the message they're trying to convey is instead of regretting what happened in the past and making up scenarios of « what would've been better » like Jin did, we should own up to our mistakes and accept ourselves. Like he does in the intro Epiphany. The lyrics are saying that he should love himself and that he's perfectly imperfect.

In the last scene of the Highlight Reels, it looks like he goes back to the time he was choosing his clothes for his date. However this time he decides not to go on the date so instead of wearing his suit he wears a cap and a t-shirt, but he looks extremely unhappy. That shows that turning back time isn't the solution and doesn't equal happiness. The words Seokjin narrates just before this scene are « If we could turn back the clock, where should we go back to ? Once we reached that place, can all our mistakes and errors be undone ? Will happiness be ours to stay? ». The answer is in the next scene. By seeing Seokjin's expression, it's obviously no. Turning back the clock won't give you happiness.

In the Euphoria video which represents their ultimate « happy ending » and the goal they're working for, Seokjin who had his curtains closed because he didn't want to see the truth and face reality, finally decides to open them.

He witnesses that the world is burning outside of the safe cage he made for himself. He's scared at first, but then he smiles.

He's freeing himself from the prison he created, he's no longer trapped in his denial. And at the end of the video, he throws the camera into the water. He will no longer live with regret and chooses to finally start living in the present.

- END

30 August 22

Seokjin – He's on the date with the girl. After all this time he finally realizes that hiding behind a mask wasn't the solution. He decides he'll be himself from now on. He leaves his date after apologizing. « I went out on the street and took off my hat. As I swept my hair back, all the time I had spent trying hard to be someone else seemed to slip through my fingers ».

379 notes · View notes

acuppellarp · 5 years

Photo

Welcome (again) to A Cup-pella, Kai! We’re excited to have you and Charlie King in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: kai + she/her Age: 26 Timezone: est Ships: charlie/chemistry Anti-Ships: charlie/boys :(

IC INFO

Full Name: charlie margaret king Face Claim: maia mitchell Age/Birthday: 24 / november 27 Occupation: radio host and acup barista Personality: headstrong, opinionated, adventurous, conceited, independent, reliable Hometown: gold coast, queensland, australia Bio: While the King family is originally from Queensland, they hardly consider the place to be their hometown. Matter of fact, a hometown is not even something that is in their repertoire from the excessive amount of moving around the world. A sense of adventure was born into their eldest daughter, Charlie, and it is no question as to why that happened. By the time Charlie was turning ten years old, the family had moved to various countries around the world. It wasn’t until she was thirteen that they were finally settling down in Vancouver, Washington. The aura of the town was odd for the vagabond ways of the King’s but they quickly found their footing and soon began to take the town by storm. Her parents, Ian and Rose, were both mavericks in their budding career paths. Ian, a hard working construction worker that soon created his own company, and Rose, an author of a popular travel blog before she began working closely with travel magazines and websites worldwide. They were dedicated to their job, but even more dedicated to their family.

Charlie struggled with the sudden stillness of her surroundings, always used to having a different place to explore since before she could even make solid memories, but she too, found herself settling into her new environment. Going to a proper school instead of being home schooled was new, and while it took her a handful of years to get things down pat, she finally did. It wasn’t until high school that she was realizing her passion in life - communicating and making her voice reach far places. Perhaps it was her passion for seeing new places that made her want to leave her mark on different peoples lives, but alas, she didn’t care for the origin story, just the execution of her wants and passions. She started small, like most do, and began working with her high school’s media club to provide a ‘news channel’ for the morning announcements. She found that being a ‘news anchor’ was fun, but having a camera constantly on her face was nerve racking and something almost sickening to her. She stuck it out throughout high school, changing between working with the sound equipment or film gear, but she somehow always ended up back in front of the camera.

Once Charlie was graduating high school, she was skipping out on the college route. It was never something that had an importance to her, knowing that she could get into her career path without moving forward with a higher education. She spent the next handful of years doing odd jobs around her town - interning for a law firm, tending bar at a hole in the wall building, etc. It wasn’t until her brother was also graduating from high school that a trip down memory lane came up in family conversation. After many nights of figuring out the plans, it was set in stone - Charlie and her little brother, Carter, would be moving to New York City. Unlike his sister, Carter was wanting to attend college, and received a full ride scholarship to Columbia University. It only made sense in the King’s mind to have their children travel to the other side of the country together. Carter would live in the on campus dorms, and to be fair, the King’s were helping to pay rent on an apartment in Brooklyn for Charlie.

Now, almost a year later, the King children are thriving in their New York minute style lives. Charlie started interning at a radio station, 106.7, soon after she moved into the city, and with glowing reviews from her managers, she was soon making her way up the ranks. It took a multitude of months, but soon enough she was realizing that she was living her dreams in the form of allowing her voice to reach all over the city, and country thanks to streaming services.

Pets: [ if possible, i was going to have her reside in 688 washington ave #2b since pets are welcome! ] Pepper Potts is a three year old pug that was gifted to Charlie whenever she was moving to New York City. Her mother wanted to make sure that her daughter was being watched over and kept entertained since she was going to be away from her family. Pepper Potts is an adorable pup who is lovable as ever and will only settle for the best cuddling companion. While Charlie is off at work, her dog can normally be found lounging in the best ray of sunshine shining into the apartment, running around in what Charlie refers to as her ‘puppy runs’, or trying to break into the kitchen cabinets to find peanut butter. Relationships:

ACup baristas - Charlie is probably one of the sleepiest baristas in NYC, but she is always trying to keep her energy levels up for the job and the customers. It’s not out of character for Charlie to grab a chair in the back room and take a quick nap during her breaks, or be drinking an obscene amount of caffeine before she is bouncing off the walls. She’s friendly with all of her fellow baristas and would consider them some of her closest friends, regardless if they feel the same.

Matt Solis - Since joining the ACup team, Charlie has been struggling quite a bit. She is struggling with the healthy balance between two jobs, especially since her job at the radio station mainly keeps her out until late hours. With the help of Matt, she’s been getting better at her barista job. Matt has a strange passion for coffee and while it captivates Charlie in a way she never realized she could be, she’s actually learned a lot from her.

Reggie Cliffton - Like most of her friendships, Charlie met Reggie while she was serving her coffee at ACup. The two struck up conversation and since the back and forth was easy enough to keep up with? They exchanged numbers and have been hanging around one another ever since. Their friendship took a turn for the worse (better) whenever Reggie learned the radio station that Charlie hosts at during the late night hours and is a frequent caller. While Charlie typically has to hang up the line due to Reggie’s antics, it’s something that leaves a positive buzz to listeners and keeps her smiling all night long.

EXTRA INFO

K!NG / @charliefm / i bet i can beat you in arm wrestling, you coward ( she + her ) (106.7 LITE )

Five latest tweets:

@charliefm: i dont trust a single person who doesnt know who delilah is @charliefm: i accidentally googled soup dispenser and now i need it @charliefm: pepper potts pooped in my shoe @charliefm: well i made a tik tok and now i hate myself :) @charliefm: @folgers bring back the weird commercials you asshats

#accepted

1 note · View note

elejah-wonderland · 5 years

Text

I Can Dream About You/2

FANFICTION

Part 2

Elijah Mikaelson x reader

Another place...Another time... A rock’n’roll Fable.

AU story TVD/TO

With Klaus Mikaelson x Caroline Forbes, Rebekah Mikaelson x Damon Salvatore, Kol Mikaelson x Davina, Stefan Salvatore and others

a/n:thanks for reading and liking. :D

tag : @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @elejahforever

_________

Elijah was completely smashed and his brothers had to literally carry him home. At one point in his drunken stupor he wanted to go to the Salvatore house, and both Klaus and Kol had to stop him, knocking him out, as otherwise they would not stop him.

"You really can't hold your drink"- Klaus said as he laid his brother on the bed in their family's mansion, still partly unconscious.

Elijah muttered Y/N’s name as he now came round.

Rebekah was more than pissed off at both Kol and Klaus for letting Elijah get in the state that he was.

"He will look like a wreck at my wedding. Damn her. Always has to ruin everything."- she harped at them.

"He will be fine till then. It's in two days anyway."- Kol said.

"Yeah- but tomorrow is the bachelor's party and you will go crazy again. Can you please not ruin this for me. At least not my wedding!"- she sifted at her brothers angrily and as they were like you're overreacting, she stomped with her foot now even madder and left Elijah's room.

"Like we will come close to the Salvatore bachelor party"- Kol said as he and Klaus now went out of Elijah’s room themselves.

"But we will crash it!"- Klaus raised an eyebrow at his brother with a smirk on his face.

"Now you're talking"- Kol was up for it. If someone was a mischievous rebel without a cause than it was Kol Mikaelson. Klaus was a more reasonable one, but he loved stirring things up. Elijah was the reliable and responsible one, which was obvious, as he had the highest military commendations to his name.

💠

In the Y/S house, Y/N now got a letter from a box shoved at the bottom of the wardrobe. She sat on the floor unfolding it-

"Y/N, I am sorry I can't meet you in the morning. I have to go away for a while. The SEALs need my help and I have to leave asap. I'll call you. Love, Elijah"

She folded the letter with her heart throbbing violently.

"You never called"- Y/N muttered looking to the window. Then angry at herself for still caring, for her heart still wanting him, she threw the box across the room, tears now flowing down her face.

Flashback

Three years ago

SEALs base, Virginia

Elijah left the briefing room with a fellow officer, who now saluted him and Elijah went straight to the jeep that was waiting for him to take him to the military base airport. He had no time to breathe, let alone make a phone call. Operatives like him could be called and assigned to a mission out of the blue. They had to be ready at any time. He, himself was amazed that he had a year free to enjoy life.

And in the three years being in different location, he had only once seen his father as he visited him in Japan, when he was having a very short break.

"We are all so very proud of you, son. Mother especially."- Mikael said to Elijah tapping him on the shoulder.

"Thank you"- Elijah said to his father and then gave him a letter-"This is for Y/N, in case I don't make it. I want you to promise me that you will give it to her. Promise!"

Mikael took the letter, putting it into his inside jacket pocket- "I didn't know you were so hung up on that girl."

"If it was not the danger, and me living this kind of life, I would have married her."

Mikael just nodded. They said their goodbye's and Elijah went.

It was painful, but that faithful night, he chose to leave without seeing her. In his opinion, he preferred to suffer, and unfortunately breaking her heart. He could not see Y/N living a life where she waited every second for the letter that he was missing in action, or worse, an Official came to her door telling her that her husband had been killed in action. He wanted her to have a normal life, whatever that meant.

Morning came with sun rays playing on Elijah's face, its warmth making his eyes open and he jumped suddenly not aware at first where he was, but then it all came back to him. The crazy night in the bar, Y/N going off with Stefan. He laid back wishing for a crazy second he was still in the Burmese prison.

Kol now entered Elijah's room, without knocking-

"Ah, you're awake? "

"Just barely"- Elijah said rubbing his face not getting up-"what time is it?"

"Half two"- Kol said-"come on. Rebekah is going nuts. You have to try your tux on. If something is not right with it, they need to send it back."

"Do I have to? I bet it will fit perfectly."- Elijah said.

"You have lost some weight"- Kol said-"come on. You need to get a few burgers in you. Y/N might be in the Diner now. They usually hang about there after work."

"Work?"- Elijah now sat up supporting himself on his elbows looking at his brother wanting more information.

"She works as a nurse in her dad's practice". - Kol said.

"She wanted to study. Be a doctor"- Elijah said.

"Well, looks like that changed."- Kol replied.

Elijah laid back again. His head was woozy still from the drink from the night before.

Rebekah now barged in-

"Mother wants you"- she said to Kol.

Before leaving Kol told Elijah that they will see him in the diner. Elijah just waved at him without moving, staring at the ceiling. Rebekah now sat on the bed saying-

"Don't tell me you're crushed because of her!"- by her she meant Y/N, continuing-" Did you know that she didn't waste a second after you left to start going out with Stefan?!"

This new information was like a scorpion's sting. Elijah got up now and said to his sister-

"No. I just fancied getting drunk. Haven't done that for three years"- and he went into the en-suite. There he put the shower water on, but stood outside looking at himself in the mirror. If this was true about Y/N going off with Stefan straight after he left, he could not blame her. But it hurt. And he wished it could just vanish or have someone rip his heart out. And then, that same heart could not be there waiting so desperately to see her again. Drawing a deep breath, he now got into the shower.

Later, after trying the tux on to make Rebekah happy, he left to meet Kol in the Diner.

There, Kol was with his girlfriend and her friends. He introduced his brother to them-

"That's Elijah- the hero- "

Davina waved a little hello to Elijah, who nodded at the girl. He then motioned to Kol that he would sit at the counter ordering coffee and a burger.

Elena and her friends were unfortunately no show. He stayed a little while longer with Kol, but then split, driving away to where he and Y/N would go often, down to the lake. He sat a while on the pier enjoying the quiet. Life was everything but fair, he thought. And he knew all too well. He knew that coming back home would never be easy, nor be the same. He so knew that things would change, but Y/N giving up on her dreams, being with Stefan Salvatore, that was not what he expected at all. She seemed to change so much. And not just her looks. There was some kind of ‘don’t care much about anything’ in her eyes. Was it because of him? His heart burnt with terrible guilt.

Some half an hour later, he got up and started walking back to his car. And there as he grabbed the handle to get it, he saw Y/N arrive in her father's black Buick. Upon seeing him, she stopped, turning the car around, driving away. Elijah now jumped in his Porsche and went after her, catching up with her in no time, swerving in front of her, making her stop. Y/N slammed on her breaks, now getting out of the car steaming with fury.

"What the Hell are you thinking?"- she shouted at him slamming the door closed as she got out of the car.

Elijah was out as well-

"Sorry- but you- wouldn't stop- even after I hit the car horn-"- he said apologetically.

"Ah, exactly- why should I stop- can you move, so I can pass"- she said still pretty angered.

"No."- Elijah said adamantly.

"What?"- Y/N couldn't believe by his reaction, huffing angrily.

Elijah now shot at her, frustration getting the better of him-

"You drove up there for a reason- don't tell me it is not so. And when you saw me- "- he stopped there, now looking at her mellow again taking a moment-"I am sorry- I know- that you don't want to see me- let alone talk to me-but-"

Y/N cut him now-"for your information- I was going to my parent's house- we stayed here at the weekend and my mom forgot some stuff." She lied. But her bruised heart didn't want him to know that she was going to the pier for the same reason he did.

"Right"- Elijah uttered-"but- you could have just driven by-"

It was the truth. If she was driving to her parent's lake house, thought it was not so. They both knew that.

Y/N now pursed her lips, taking a little sigh then, and admitted now that he had a point. There were no words to describe the uneasiness between them that shimmered right through them.

They were now both looking at one another with gulping seriousness in their eyes. Elijah could see Y/N's hurt break through, and he said-

"I am sorry for - everything that -happened the way it did"

"You are"- Y/N said a bit standoffish, but acknowledging his sincerity.

"I am."- Elijah said not moving her eyes off of hers.

"Noted"- Y/N replied, changing her demeanour all of a sudden-"is that it?"

"Yes."- Elijah said and quickly added-"No. One more thing- I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did.” - she shot back at him, with her eyes blazing -”Not that it matters anymore. I got over it. Stefan is a good guy."-

"Really- I don't really remember any Salvatore being really good- ever"

"Well, your sister is marrying one, so I guess, he must be good enough"- Y/N threw back at him.

"Well, he made her pregnant, so, he has to honour his responsibility to her and the baby"- Elijah said.

"Well, he is honouring it. He could have left her and go off with his biker friends, but he didn’t, unlike some"- Y/N said and Elijah knew this was aimed at him.

Whatever he said now could not take that away, and he still could not give the real reasons for him leaving the way he did, so it would ease a bit of the hurt he caused.

"If it happened to you I would honoured it as well"- Elijah now said. It came out a bit awkward and Y/Nretaliated a bit now-

"You would, ha?"

"I would, Y/N. You know it. What are you saying? Were you?"- Elijah’s heart felt a hit, his whole being now shuddering with a new surge of pain. OMG. Was she pregnant?

"Well, lucky for you I didn't get pregnant. Everything was much easier. It was just love- or maybe it was not. Not really. Otherwise, you could have at least looked me in the eyes and said that you had to leave to do your job, and kissed me goodbye. But no. You left me a letter. Like we were nothing. Just a year long fling."

He let her spit all the fire out at him. If she were to giving him a good slap on the face, he would take anything she would dish out. He now came close to her taking her gently by the arms softly saying-

"I am so sorry, Y/N. I made a mistake. A huge mistake. But I could not call you."

"Why? Was I really just some random girl?"- Y/N teared up now.

"No. Never."

His closeness, his hands on her arms, made her pulse race up now. And all what he was saying now was what she so wanted to hear for the last three years. But then the hurt kicked back in like a tsunami wave and she pulled his hands off of her saying harshly-

"I don't believe you. If you really loved me- in all those three years you would have made a call. At least one call!"

"Y/N-"- Elijah started, but she cut him off yet again-

"I came here- to the pier- well- to finish this. Throw the letter away- and have closure. This is why I came here today"- she lied again.

"Right-"- Elijah said stepping back taking a silent, pained breath.

Y/N wiped her tears off now slipping -"Right"

Elijah made a little nod at her slowly taking a step back to his car, now adding-

"I hope he is a good guy"

Y/N looking at him hiding her breaking heart with all she possessed and slipped- "He is."

Elijah now made another little nod streaming a see you around, and turning away, got into his car, driving off. He looked at the rear mirror, seeing Y/N getting into her car and driving away into the direction to the lake.

She drove up to the pier, stopped there, sitting in the car, now crying bitterly.

He could never be you

Never be you Take a look in my eyes It's been a long, long time I used to feel so strong When I knew you were mine Since you let me down I'm hard to be around I don't know what I'm gonna do He could never be you He could never be you He could never be you

He knows the moves He play's the part But he only has me He don't have my heart He could never be you He could never be you

So take a look in my eyes No you can't hide the truth No, you don't get by on pride Cause it'll run over you But since you let me down I'm hard to be around I don't know what I'm gonna do He could never be you

the song played on the radio.

#Elijah Mikaelson #elijah mikaelson x reader #tvd fanfiction #Fanfiction

30 notes · View notes

fernwehbookworm · 6 years

Text

Broken Hearts- Chapter 15

The folder lands on my desk with a small thud. Krypto looks up at the noise from my feet. I had J'onn make up paperwork that he was a service dog in training so he went everywhere with either Lena or I. It's amazing how easy it is to train a dog when they read your thoughts. The thoughts were becoming more clear and less instinctual as he grew. I open the folder and look up at James' serious face.

"Those were on my desk today. I thought you should know. I won't print them because I don't like gossip. But you should know about them, and soon it will be in the news, including CatCo." James had taken over again as Ms. Grant took a vacation to some mystery place, this time with the promise of only being gone a couple of weeks.

I sifted through the pictures again. The top one was Lena and I at the little French cafe we had begun to frequent, the one she took me after shopping. Another was us sitting close at an Irish Pub. The next was me holding her hand as I helped her get into the back of the car. Lastly was a dark blurry image of us leaving the bar after our first date almost two months ago.

"Thank you, James. It's okay though. We know it's going to be a shit storm of publicity but it's okay. We don't want to keep it a secret and cause a scandal." He nods as I hand the envelope back.

"Let me know if you need anything published to keep that scandal from happening."

"Actually..." I say.

Lena and I had talked about small ways to begin conforming it without speculation. So for Lena's next press conference, I sat on the stage behind her. It was hard having every eye on me while being Kara but it was worth it. James captioned the image of Lena behind the podium by listing the people behind her also. 'Board Member so-and-so' were most of them but when it was my name in the line up it said 'Girlfriend, Kara Danvers.'

Of course there was always that one reporter who questioned our relationship instead of the actual topic on hand whenever Lena had a press conference but for the most part, it cut out all speculation, in the reliable media anyways.

We were still followed by paparazzi every time we went out together. Sometimes I could see them camping outside of CatCo waiting for me but they were so obvious I was able to avoid them. It was weird when I would pass by a newsstand and see pictures of myself in the tabloids there.

Krypto ran in a blur around the training room, jumping through the hoops and over bars and running up and down ramps. He completes the course and sits in front of me at my command. His tongue lolls out the side of his mouth as a wolfish grin exposes his sharp canine teeth. The DEO labs found that Krypto was a White Shepherd that had around twenty percent Kryptonian DNA. Only four months old and he listens to everything I say. Krypto's ears perked towards me and his blue eyes looked into mine.

Fly? The thought brushes against mine.

"Okay, we can try again." Krypto falls in beside me as we walk to the large open training gym on the floor below us.

Krypto begins to sprint around the track that wraps the room. Soon he begins to leap, jumping higher and further than any animal should, trying to stay in the air. I try to send thoughts to him on what it should feel like. Another leap and I see Krypto hang in the air for just a split second. His excitement was wordless in my mind and he immediately leaped again. Then he stopped in the air. I took off to meet him.

"You did it! That's my good boy!" I exclaim. Krypto wobbles in the air and I grab him to stabilize him. He licks my face and appreciation hums out of him. We float to the ground together and Krypto's happiness doubles my own. We make our report to J'onn and then head back to Lena's apartment to wait for her.

"Remember little one, no one must ever see your powers."

Yes mama, comes the response as I carry him in my arms.

I watch from Lena's couch as she paces her office. It took some coaxing but she finally turned it back into one a few weeks ago. She is on the phone talking to someone in Italian while Krypto follows closely at her heels. I tried to get him to just sit and watch but I only got three words in response.

Protect mother always. I grin at that because that is what is always in the back of my mind and Krypto feels the same. Since he began to understand how important Lena was to both of us he chose to be by her side as much as possible. Lena even bought him a harness that said Security Dog on it. It started as a joke but Krypto loved it so much that he made me tell Lena that he wanted to wear it all the time.

Tears stream down my face as I raise a champagne flute to the tear-streaked face of my sister. We turn from each other and look out to the crowd who raise their own glasses and clink them against those of their table companions. Alex looks stunning in her white dress, Maggie looks just as beautiful in a black one. Giving a maid of honor speech was one of the most difficult things I had to do, and I have held buildings on my back.

The couple of the hour make their way to the dance floor to start their first dance. After that Eliza dances with Alex and then Maggie. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Soon the dance floor is flooded with people. I know Alex and Maggie wanted something small but they severely underestimated how loved they were.

"Can I have this dance, Ms. Danvers?" Lena's voice comes from behind me. Her green dress matches her eyes and catches my breath.

"I thought you would never ask, Ms. Luthor." She holds a hand out that I take and let her lead me to the dance floor. Krypto's head peaks from under the tablecloth and his blue eyes watch us intently. We end up next to Maggie and Alex, still wrapped in their own little happy bubble. I feel Alex grab me and pull me partially away from Lena. She leans in to whisper in my ear.

"I think you'll be next." Alex nods to the woman still holding my hand and a blush rushes to my cheeks. I turn back to Lena and she has a questioning look. Alex and Maggie laugh and spin away from us.

"What was that about?" Lena asks. I contemplate not telling her.

"She said we would be next," I whisper. Lena's pale cheeks grow red very quickly and her mouth hangs open slightly. I smile and kiss her to stop her panic.

"All in due time, and only when we are both ready." She nods and pulls me close again to resume swaying with the music.

"This is one of my favorite views of the city," I say as we watch the buildings flicker to life and night settles in. Lena sets two glasses of wine on the balcony. She dimmed the lights inside her office and it made us seem so alone in the world, but my whole world was standing in front of me.

"Oh, and what are the others?" She asks as she takes a sip from her own glass. Her red, full lips leave a faint mark on the rim.

"The DEO balcony and the one outside of Cat Grant's office."

"Which is your favorite?" I smile and know I should just do it now. I turn to her and use the excuse of tucking hair behind her ear to touch her cheek.

"Wherever you are. Lena Luthor, you are my favorite place to be. You are my whole world. You are my home. But also you are my kryptonite. You are my biggest weakness." She looks almost sad and confused. I grab both her hands in mine.

"You are also what gives me strength, to keep fighting in my darkest and weakest moments. I know as long as you believe in me that I can do anything. And I never want to do anything without you beside me again. Lena Luthor, will you marry me?" Now Krypto. I bend to one knee and Krypto floats down from the roof.

He was wearing a dog tux that I found and gingerly carried an opened ring box in this teeth. Lena had her hands covering her mouth and tears glistening in her eyes. When Krypto lands in front of her next to me she lets out a laugh that she quickly contains. I take the small box from women's best friend and hold it out to Lena.

"Is that a yes or a no?" I ask as she continues to stare at me.

"Of course! Yes! Oh my god, yes!" she shakily holds out her hand and I slip the ring on. I stand and kiss my fiancee deeply.

Fly home. I command to Krypto, he isn't happy but doesn't hesitate. Lena pushes me against the balcony to deepen the kiss. I back her towards the door into the already darkened office. Hands wander up and down and clothing starts to be lost. I can't get her to the couch fast enough but also I need time to stand as still as possible. This was the start of the rest of our lives, our lives together. The turning of a page, the start of a new chapter, and I couldn't wait to start reading it. I was going to cherish every moment of it.

The End.

#supergirl #supercorp #kara danvers #lena luthor #brokenhearts #the end

3 notes · View notes

goddess-help-us · 2 years

Text

So, once again, I've been feeling a bit isolated. Not necessarily in the depressed sense of the word but I do feel very disconnected with friends or, at the very least, that my connections with almost everybody in my life feel tenuous and shaky.

Probably the most reliable connections I have with anybody, outside of my housemate who I live with, are with my parents back home. And although my connection with my parents has improved tremendously in the last two years since I've moved out from home, and I've become more comfortable in sharing things with them, I still don't feel like I can share just anything with them. I used to have a pretty reliable friendship triangle that included me and two other gays but we haven't really had effective and consistent communication since February this year. Our lives have simply pulled us in opposite directions. It's only natural when none of us live in the same time zone or closer than 1,000 miles to each other and either work or study full-time. My sister has become exceptionally busy this year, probably more so than at any other point in her life. She's been balancing grad school, studying and training for professional licensure, and working full-time. She and I have barely spoken more than three times since I've returned to CO in January. The rest of my friendships/relationships are pretty sparse. I follow a collection of tepid acquaintances on Instagram and we mostly send clever zingers or official Meta reactions to each other's stories (do people even make actual posts anymore?). It's not that people don't reach out, they do, but it's very sparse and I find that not everybody enjoys long correspondence over text messages. A penpal who I've known for more than ten years now has slowly drifted away, as is natural I guess. He's just moved in with his partner and I'm very delighted for them but I feel, to a degree, it has also made our communication less frequent.

To his credit, my Canadian penpal reaches out every few days over Messenger but I often feel like our livelihoods and interests simply lack any extensive overlap. My ex and I, oddly and enjoyably, have become pretty close again since we re-connected last fall. We don't call frequently but each time we've either called or met, our conversations have lasted nearly four hours. I definitely enjoy his company and I just wish I was closer to him so we could hang out but I've accepted that this is the standing condition. To his credit as well, I have a friend here in Denver who's an alumnus of my current master's program and he's very supportive and has met with me to share meals a number of times over the last academic year. He's great but we're both very busy and we don't get to see each other a lot outside of social media. I have a few friends from my former MLA program here as well but they're extremely busy all the time and I've felt myself gradually drifting from them as our lives naturally diverge from each other. Getting a text response from them can be pretty unreliable.

So, yeah, almost all my friendships involve people who are either out-of-state, out-of-country, or people who are just as busy (if not busier, to be honest) than I am. I know people are not being intentionally malicious by not being available or prioritizing our friendship more. They all have their own lives to live. At the same time, if I'm simply (1) not an important fixture of other people's social networks but then (2) also not satisfied with my lackluster social network then it's up to me to do something. Unless the circumstance requires it, I don't think I'd shut the door on any of my current friendships outright but I also should probably wind down the energy I give them. I need to focus on people who are prioritizing me with whom I also feel comfortable and energized around.

I deserve to live on more than a few friendship morsels.

#personal #2nd year grad school #friendship #lonliness #isolation #depression #mental health #gay mental health

1 note · View note

xtruss · 3 years

Text

What I Learned When I Rented My Parents’ Former Home as an Airbnb

They’d tried to escape the future by building a home off the grid. But the future found them anyway.

— By Thad Russell

— The Atlantic | August 29, 2021

September 2005 (All photos by Thad Russell)

About the author: Thad Russell is a photographer who lives with his wife and two children in Providence, Rhode Island, and teaches at the Rhode Island School of Design.

Two summers ago, my siblings and I found my late parents’ former house in northern Vermont listed on Airbnb. Once we got over our shock—“Wait! That’s our house!”—we immediately made reservations to rent it for a family vacation. The new owners had known my parents and generously waived our rental fee upon realizing who we were. The online description—“rustic retreat”—brought back memories of countless family gatherings of summers past: taking long walks, swimming in the lake, eating local corn and blueberry pie. I remembered hanging out together on the deck that extended into my parents’ gentle, south-sloping meadow like a pier, appreciating the peaceful view of hay fields, spruce trees, mountains, and an ever-changing sky.

I looked forward to the reunion for months. And yet, as I drove with my wife and young children along winding mountain roads that I knew by heart, I was surprised by the emotions stirring inside me. I began to realize something that should have been obvious. This special, idealized place that I was so excited to return to wasn’t a repository of just happy memories, but of difficult ones too. My parents had been concerned about the political and environmental trends in America. Their place in Vermont was meant to be a political statement in the form of a modern-day frontier house—hand-built, off the grid, and completely DIY. In other words, it was very difficult to live in and maintain. Now that many of their worries about climate change and political unrest have become reality, I understand the prescience of their vision and the virtues of the life they were designing. I also realized something even more important, however, when I rented their home as an Airbnb: No matter how hard you try to escape the future, the future will find you anyway.

May 2015

In the 1990s, my parents sold our family home in suburban Boston and moved to a virgin piece of pasture in Vermont’s rural and remote Northeast Kingdom in order to build a house—and a life—from scratch. They wanted to slow down, to live simply and more in concert with nature and its seasonal rhythms. My siblings, their spouses, and I not only supported this new chapter but were actively involved every step of the way. Though we all had careers, homes, and lives in other places, we would parachute in every August to help pour a foundation, build a timber frame, side a barn, or mow a field. This collective labor gave us a sense of investment in the property—“sweat equity”—and senses of accomplishment, pride, and joy in its growing compound of rough-hewn structures. We finished the “little house” (which is actually tiny) in time for my sister’s wedding one August, and we finished the “big house” (which is actually quite little) in time for my brother’s wedding six years (to the day) later.

This property was the realization of a long-held dream. My father was an MIT-trained architect and builder with his own brand of rugged modernism. His houses were shrines to their specific surroundings, made out of locally sourced wood, stone, and glass. After spending a lifetime building homes for others, he wanted to finally build one for himself and his family.

But he wasn’t trying to construct a well-appointed vacation home, and my parents weren’t hoping to retire comfortably to the country. They were hoping that their modest compound could be a refuge, a place separate and protected from the evil and disease of the modern world, a place to which we could all retreat when the long-prophesied and always-imminent economic and ecological disaster of Man’s own making finally came home to roost. With its solar panels, windmill, vegetable garden, root cellar, and well, it was designed to be a self-sufficient place apart, a lifeboat of sorts.

Though my parents’ organic, less-is-more lifestyle was supposed to be simple, it was never easy. Their life was intentional and incredibly labor-intensive, marked by hard work and discomfort. Their property became an unrelenting taskmaster. Many projects never got completed. Some just didn’t work. The sun didn’t always shine. The wind didn’t always blow. Batteries failed. The bespoke, high-efficiency refrigerator didn’t actually keep food cold. The well was contaminated with surface water from a nearby cow pasture and never produced reliably potable water. My parents’ self-imposed restrictions on energy usage—my father designed an aggressively frugal system that used only one-20th the amount of electricity of an average American family—seemed arbitrary, impossibly difficult, and puritanical; a dishwasher or clothes dryer was out of the question.

They—and we—argued a lot about how they lived, and the choices they had made. I thought theirs should be a model home, an equally attractive, non-fossil-fuel alternative that others could easily emulate so that we could collectively save the planet. My father thought it should be more of a laboratory that embraced cutting-edge experimentation, took risks, and courted failure. He thought it should be difficult by design so as to attract only zealots, purists, and true believers.

August 2019; May 2015

My mother sometimes complained about the ways the house didn’t work and she felt burdened by the endless list of domestic chores that seemed to fall disproportionately on her, but she nonetheless embraced this new life with passion and conviction. Why? For starters, she loved my dad and believed in his genius and vision. She was also a longtime political and environmental activist. Lastly, thanks to her strong Protestant work ethic and her progressive Christian faith, she always believed that wisdom and virtue came from labor, sacrifice, and struggle. I think she loved this new, difficult chapter of her life, not despite the challenges but because of them. It made her feel more alive, more connected to her husband and to herself, her planet, and her God.

One particularly hot and restless night in the summer of 2003, while sleeping in my parents’ barn, I awoke with a scary premonition: Things here were not going to end well. My parents were not going to live forever, and I had a feeling that their path ahead might be far more difficult and treacherous than any of us were prepared for. A few months later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The next three years were consumed by her illness, including her weekly drives across the state for radiation and chemotherapy. The August after she died, we had a memorial service for her under a tent in the exact same spot in the meadow where my sister and brother had each been married years earlier.

My father lived for eight more years, but his heart was never the same. First it was broken, and then, eventually, it began to fail. What he could do—and wanted to do—shrank considerably. For the first time ever, he stopped planting a garden. “What’s the point?” he said. Mail piled up. Bills went unpaid. Phone calls went unanswered. Dirt and dust collected everywhere. Necessary and long-overdue house maintenance was put off indefinitely. He would spend hours and days sitting and staring, at the clouds in the summer and at the wood fire in the winter. The house he built with his own hands became a waiting room, a purgatory clad in native spruce. One day in November 2013, he couldn’t get out of bed. I was visiting at the time, having driven north from Rhode Island after receiving a call from a concerned neighbor. I remember the ambulance in the front yard, parked on top of my mother’s perennial garden and EMTs dressed in Carhartt overalls taking my dad away on a gurney.

My father died the following August; two months later, we mixed my parents’ ashes and spread them in the meadow as friends and family looked on.

After my father’s death, my siblings and I debated whether to keep the Vermont property. I always thought we would. But the more we talked, the more I realized it was going to be financially and logistically impossible. The buildings were not in great shape. Managing their restoration and preservation was going to be complicated and expensive, and was going to take time, energy, and money that none of us had. Moreover, the property was hard to reach. We also realized that we weren’t simply inheriting a house or a piece of land, but a way of life, a philosophy, a set of values that we all respected but didn’t fully subscribe to. No, we all decided, it wasn’t right—or perhaps the right time—for any of us. With heavy hearts, we decided to let it go.

October 2005

Fast-forward to the summer before last, five years after my father’s death: We were returning to our family homestead, but this time as Airbnb guests. As we approached the house from the long dirt driveway, everything was at once familiar and surprisingly different. I instantly noticed all of the improvements: a new metal roof, new wood siding, and a completely rebuilt breezeway connecting the two houses; lush new landscaping featuring exotic flora and brilliant orange poppies that reminded me of California; a new well, professionally dug, with (I learned later) sweet, cold—and E. coli–free—artesian water.

The interior was stunning and immaculate. Everything seemed carefully and painstakingly finished, no more exposed electrical wires or pipes. A new floor was made out of spotted maple, and a fresh coat of satin varnish covered all the wood surfaces. The decor was modern and sparse—chairs made out of soft Italian leather and German stainless-steel appliances, including a dishwasher and a dryer. To my eyes, the house had never looked better and had never been more beautiful, more finished, more realized. The future looked good on this house. My appreciation was complicated, however, tinged with envy and regret. Why couldn’t this beautifully designed and now brilliantly realized house still be ours?

I also couldn’t help but notice what was no longer there: the vegetable garden; the windmill; the woodshed, wood stoves, and Finnish oven; the solar electric system. The house is now on the grid and comfortably heated with gas, its massive propane storage tank elegantly concealed underground. Sure, the house still looks groovy, but it’s now hippie house lite, like tie-dyes and distressed bell-bottoms one buys at the Gap. It has the counterculture aesthetic but all the dirt, difficulty, and rebelliousness have been removed. As my father might say, “What’s the point?”

But I have come to realize that the new owners have actually been the perfect stewards of our old property. Their careful and systematic restoration has removed the dust, decay, and dysfunction while preserving the essential design and rustic charm. I also realize that it is their house now, not ours, and maybe that’s a good thing. The burden of the property, its deferred maintenance and challenging memories, was too much, and is too much for me still.

The author’s brother, mother, and father. August 2001

Now, two years—and a world of difference—later, I find myself thinking about that piece of pasture in northern Vermont and my family’s 25-year adventure there. We are living through such scary and turbulent times. We are simultaneously in the throes of a resurgent global pandemic and a rapidly emerging climate crisis. Viral death tolls, huge heat domes, megadroughts, and 1,000-year floods mark our daily news. As I write this, dozens of massive western fires burn uncontained, their smoke turning even eastern skies an eerie and unhealthy shade of ocher. The world is changing in ways that many people find hard to believe and hard to endure, but that my parents essentially anticipated. They were preparing for this future; they saw it coming and tried so hard to protect their family—and themselves—from the pain and suffering that they feared it might bring. Now that that future is here, I realize we can’t really escape it. The future always catches up with us, and no matter where we are or where we go, we are all survivalists now.

— Thad Russell is a photographer who lives with his wife and two children in Providence, Rhode Island, and teaches at the Rhode Island School of Design.

0 notes

duallygirl178 · 3 years

Text

Dearest O'Malley chapter 9

Chapter 9

Every time Natalie was talking about moving in with Nathan, she put in a lot of thought to attract the energy into making it come true. I hoped she would move in with Nathan because it would make us both happy. Then one day, she showed me pictures on file from her laptop. Natalie had a ton of pictures on her laptop. When the photos got to the letter "L", I spotted a white 2 door Lincoln parked in the driveway in the background of a neighborhood in which she used to live in 16 years ago before she moved to Durango. I realized there was something mighty familiar about that car...but where? I studied the photo really closely as I zoomed in on the image and I realized, it was Gonzo. After 20 years apart, I hadn't seen him since Impa went missing. There was more for me to know and I wondered if she knew Impa, my friend that went missing. As I viewed more of her pictures, I found the answer to my questions. She had images of Impa and what I saw, disturbed me. Impa sat dead in a pile of weeds with the motor still intact, but the fluids all gone. Footages of what was left of him gave me nightmares. There was stuff in the trunk that wasn't there before and the windows were missing. The seats inside were ruined. Impa's dead body in the photo was just there rotting in the weeds. I had a moment of silence for my friend, Impa. Natalie told me who owned te farm and there was a guy was a local was in really bad debt before his divorce. He cheated people that bought cars at a dealership and was caught. He had to pack up and leave town with three kids, abandoning his ranch and home behind. There was only 5 horses and a mule that were out in the field by themselves. She shared some horse pictures that I got to see. Natalie would visit, do homework from college class, and relax with the horses. The horses weren't starving or anything because they had grass to eat and water to drink. They were just fine. I had a lot of memories of Gonzo and Impa together hanging out with me. I remembered the weekends, the things we'd do and I remembered all the jokes Impa told us when we were sad or bored our of our hoods...all for once last time.

I was still thankful that I had Gonzo and Robin as friends. Although, Gonzo had never met Robin before and by looking at Natalie, felt sympathy for me on my loss. I admired her feelings and I could see that she had a heart for my friend. I was glad she got a picture of Impa so I could see and feel better about what happened to him. A little later on our way to get drinks, Natalie was telling us all that she would feel happier living with Nathan since she had enough of Durango and all the things that were going on like the time she quit a program she was sick of called "Community Connections" because her caretaker kept walking in her apartment without knocking and another example the transit changed her bus stop. I personally believed she would be much better if she moved back down and with Nathan so he wouldn't have to waste gallons of gasoline going to Durango. I had a prediction she would and maybe later in 2018.

Later that day while I was at the drive in at Taco Bell, I happened to pull up to an old two door Lincoln that was white. He looked into the rear view mirror and seemed to recognize me. He asked if it was me and I replied it was recognizing him almost right away. It was Gonzo. He and I talked while we waited for our order and the line was long enough for us to catch up on all the things that we were doing these days. It was great to see him and he asked me about Impa...if I ever saw him after he disappeared. I told him exactly what happened to Impa and about Natalie having those pictures. Gonzo couldn't believe it either and he felt sympathy for poor Impa. He was heartbroken to hear it. Gonzo asked me how I've been holding up and I replied that I was handling it in a not so good but I'd pull through.Then, that's when I knew, I had to ask the same. Gonzo told me he would need some time to cope with his feelings. Impa was a good friend to both of us. We now swapped addresses so we could write to each other or even visit when we wanted to hang out. Interestingly enough, Gonzo lived in the same neighborhood as Natalie's mother and it was only a few houses down. Gonzo's order was up and so we both said our see-you-later words and then He zoomed off.

Later that day, I ran into Robin (Mister Rockin' Robin Finns, as I like to call him) while I was on my way to Safeway and got caught in another conversation with him. I told him that I found out that I lost a close friend a long time ago since he lost his sister recently. It all happened in Taos in a tragic semi accident. I was telling it how I remembered it. Knowing Robin, it kind of over-sympathetic and cried so much that he wanted to hear more. He wasn't exactly a cowardly red engine either and it was difficult to scare him, but I got him interested this time. His cowardly grille took me back in time 1985. It was just after watching "John Carpender's Christine" at the drive thru for the fourth time. But when that time when "Beetle juice" came to theaters, he totally moistened himself just as bad as "Creature" or even "Zombie Lake" or "Biohazard". Gonzo was all shook up that it was Impa's idea to go out in the woods to smoke reefer to calm down. Gonzo was so scared that he actually turned pink. He looked like Barbie's pink Lincoln from an Elvis Persley movie production. But Robin was so distraught that he gave me his deep sympathy and he remembered watching "Biohazard" for the sixth time and it didn't get any better for him on how scary it was. He asked me if I ever needed anything like a talk about to make me feel better, just to go to see him.

When I finished telling him about the death of Impa, Robin bawled for an hour as he tried to get a hold of himself. When he did, he apologized for acting embarrassingly cathartic. Robin was over-sentimental that he took things too far. He's what I described as having actor's syndrome. Someone with too much emotion that needed to be put at work on a set. I almost fell asleep listening to Robin go on and on in a conversation. It was almost getting late. Finally, Robin was done talking to me and thankfully he needed to get home too. We simply said a short good-bye and we both needed to get home.

By the time I got home, it was already an hour passed 10 PM. I was tired from Robin wasting my time by talking for so long. Once that I was let in, I had a seat on the couch and dozed off. The very next morning, I wrestled Ol' Reliable to get a move on so Nathan could test drive him around the block, I had to tell him I spent most of the month taking Jan, Nathan, and Natalie to town every night and that it was his turn to be driven. That seemed to put a lid on it! So without any guff, fuss, or cuss, Ol' Reliable obeyed me. I was still the leader and as long as I was on the property, I had control.

When Ol' Reliable got home shortly around the block, I got a chance to read Randy's old books. The time was already 5:23 PM and Jan just got home from work. In about 30 minutes, she would be ready to get drinks and go do errands. Tonight was about Ol' Reliable and it was his turn to take the three to town. And as for me, I got to 5 of Randy's books that he kept in the bathroom. I really enjoyed the fantasy world of quests and knights as I stayed home to relax. It was quiet enough by the time I finished all of the books, I turned on the TV to the VELOCITY channel and I watched some TV. It was a nice evening that night and having a break from town has never looked this good.

0 notes

mosrael · 6 years

Text

Like...I’m frustrated in my job, like really extremely frustrated, but I love the kids I work with, I love the people on my team at my site, and I love the families that we work so hard for. These people make such a frustrating job really worthwhile...Working with kids is batshit bananas every single day, but somehow, despite all the weirdness, kid drama, and absolute inability to spell or multiply, they really grow on you...

Like, getting little notes from them and listening to their weird little stories...they feel like small things but the fact that they trust and like me enough to want to share those things with me is really heartwarming.

OK GUYS, WARNING THIS IS A REALLY LONG POST I AM SO SORRY - I HAD WAY MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THAN I THOUGHT I DID, PHEW...

Yesterday I was at a doctors appointment for the first part of program so my boss covered for me till I got back and she could leave. When I got back, I just barely peeped my head in the door they LITERALLY screamed and ran and mobbed me at the door and nearly knocked me over trying to give me hugs and to tell me whatever crazy stories they had of things that had happened in the WHOLE two hours that I was gone, hahaha! And yes, it was chaotic, but it was just so sweet and heartwarming, I just....these students are my kIDS, MAN, MY KIDS. They did the same thing today when I left for like 20 minutes to go get more icing for their gingerbread houses and it just blows my mind every single time. This one little girl who ALWAYS has an attitude told me she’d miss me over break like five or six times before she left today, and gave me a bunch of hugs and kept waving as she walked out the door, and there are kids that do that every day, but this time with her, it was just kind of...a strange moment? because i could tell how much she was growing as a person, becoming more positive and confident and open and slower to catch an attitude like she was forever doing when i first started. I get the same warm fuzzies when they come to program all excited and out of breath waving around a crumply piece of paper that turns out to be a quiz or a test that they did so well on that they ad to RUN to program to show me. It’s nice to see them succeed, and be happy and proud of themselves, it’s just a really promising thing to see, and I can’t exactly explain it. Over the summer the kids who walked from a bus stop to program would bring me flowers (pretty sure they “found” them in someone’s garden so I had to shut that down hella fast but STILL). They tell new poop jokes literally every day like it’s the best shit on the planet (see what I did there HAH). I guess it’s refreshing that kids can be so...upfront and weird and honest... its endearing! lol they’re the weirdest little gremlins, but hey we’re a team of gremlins and i’m the gremlin queen so i guess i’m gonna lead these gremlin troops to their glory if it is the last thing i do lol.

I mean, there are just so many examples I could give and I have only worked here for a couple years....I can’t even imagine the weird, ridiculous, great and awful things that teachers that have been in the line of work for DECADES have seen. Jfc...

Like, interacting with kids so much though, and spending more time in the teacher role rather than a student role in a school environment, I really find myself wondering what is the norm, or even if there is one. Sucks that I can really only speak to my own experience and that’s all I can go by, especially because even my own memories of my own experiences aren’t entirely reliable. I definitely know that I don’t remember being like these kids are when I was a kid? Affectionate with teachers, or attached to them, I mean, specifically, because of course there’s a ton of similarity I can see in them compared to the way I was coming up, in some things here and there. But I’d never go out of my way to hang around a teacher, or to like...draw them a picture or write them a letter, or tell them a joke or ask to sit next to them on the bus rides to field trips and stuff. That’s where the greatest difference is, at least comparing to my own experience in school. I had a couple teachers that sort of inspired me, but I didn’t have casual conversations with them, and I didn’t like...want them to play tag or four square or anything with my friends and I, and I didn’t try and show them funny jokes or tell them what was going on in my little weird kid life. But the kids I work with do all those things. I know that there are probably loads of reasons why this is the case, and that it’s unrealistic for me to try and pinpoint what causes that kind of difference, especially since when it comes down to it all these kids are individuals and can’t be expected to behave like I did, or like my friends did at their age, because every individual’s experience is just that...individual. But I find myself wondering at the reasons why they are the way they are regardless. Maybe it’s different because really, I’m not a teacher, since this is a nonprofit after school program, no matter how closely integrated we are with the area schools. I guess in a way, that makes it easier to connect with families in a more personal way, but still...I know that’s probably a piece of it, but it isn’t the reason. I can’t imagine an entire group of 8 year olds would base their behaviors towards someone they consider a teacher on what exactly the status of the program is, especially when they have slime to make and fidget spinners and beyblades to trade and break and lose and argue about. There have got to be a lot of reasons, and no matter how much I know in my head that it’s unrealistic of me to try and pin down all the exact reasons, and that there’s really no point or value to trying to track them down, I still find myself heading down this train of thought pretty frequently. Not as frequently as I think about how shitty Ella from Ella Enchanted’s life would be if she lived in our society, but still pretty frequently nonetheless. I mean, some of these kids are like “Bye Gabby love you!” when they leave, even if I scolded them earlier that same day and dealt with the subsequent attitude that scolding a kid inevitably gets you sometimes. They’re always giving me hugs and trying to sit in my office with me and to organize my office (but NEVER the library or their own cubbies, that would be TOO MUCH TO ASK) or asking to try what I’m eating, or how my sister and her chinchilla are doing, or trying to make me try some food or other they brought me, or trying to force feed me broccoli because they know I hate it and they think that’s HILARIOUS, or telling me that we HAVE to get the class fish a gift for christmas and that his last name is the same as my last name and ew I’m married to the class fish and the list just goes on and on and on....Their candor extends to their families too, truthfully. The families for the most part are really warm and welcoming and kind, too...The parents bring me meals sometimes and even invite me and the team at my site to their get togethers...

I guess it just really surprises me how welcoming and open the people and kids I work with are. i don’t remember where i was going with this. I have been really irritated with my job lately, to the point where I’m really very seriously considering packing up and moving away to try something new elsewhere. It’s just....working with the kids and the great people on my team at my site really mean a lot to me, and I don’t want to leave them behind like that because we’re a team and the kids and families are a part of that...I don’t know. I’m just really torn. It’s absolutely no doubt that my job is fun sometimes, I mean, literally every day I’m positive that I hear at least one sentence from a kid or a coworker that is so strange that I’m POSITIVE I will never hear it again in my life. And in what other line of work could I experience the excitement and terror of organizing and attending an ice skating field trip with 80 8 - 12 year olds, and hoping and praying that no one gets a finger chopped off by a wayward skate on a kids foot? Where else would I be able to experience falling hard on my butt on the ice and having a bunch of kids try and help you get up just to slip and fall themselves while also trying to stop you laughing co-teachers from taking photos of the admittedly hilarious scenario? Is there another line of work where it’s an entirely reasonable occurance to turn around and see a pair of little kid legs sticking out from beneath your desk, telling him to come out from under there, and having him tell you he can’t because it’s his cucaracha cave and he’s just a cucaracha living in his cucaracha house? It’s really bananas, the whole thing is exhausting and exhilarating and fun and messy and frustrating and annoying but lovable and worthwhile, and I just have to remember all that when all the long hours, frustrating pay, and other awful things that dredge up all my anxieties and fears and concerns happen. It’s literally just like...a rollercoaster of terror. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time, it’s great and it’s also literally killing me, sometimes moreso than others. It’s fun and the kids and families are sweet and my team and site are fabulous and the work we’re doing is always undoubtedly worthwhile, so for now at least, that’s enough to keep me invested for now, I guess. The people who make it worthwhile really do a great job at making it that way. I appreciate them a lot, honestly. My team does so much and I appreciate them like crazy, and my desire to make sure that I’m helping them as much as they help me outweighs my desire to branch out wholeheartedly to find something better because that would mean more work for them and they don’t deserve that, because they’ve been nothing but great. the kids don’t deserve that either, they’ve already had a lot of teachers and coordinators come and go every single year and they’ll feel abandoned and hurt, and that seeps into the families and breeds just...some really bad feelings that the kids don’t deserve and I don’t want to do anything that would cause any of them to even begin to wonder if it’s something that they did that made me leave, or if it’s something about them that makes people come and go so frequently, because that’s absolutely false. i don’t want to risk anything that would jeopardize all the hard work that the kids and the whole team has put into building their confidence in themselves along with their academics. And besides, I’d miss my team and I’d definitely miss the kids....

I don’t really know why I started going into all this, but I’m slowly getting the impression that I’m maybe trying to give myself some pros and cons so that I can have something to reference when I inevitably have to make a real decision about where I’m going to take this whole career thing. I didn’t plan to be where I am now, but now that I’m here, I’m invested and I really do need to think carefully about any moves I make since it’s impossible to ignore the fact that it’ll affect a lot of people, and people I care about and am actively working to build up at that. I think I just...needed to have all of this out in some kind of haphazard organized form and out of my cloudy excuse for a brain where all these things were just kind of frantically flailing around in little half-thoughts. and now I can’t find the read more button thing so it’s just gonna be this long annoying text post on your dash UPDATE: I FOUND THE READ MORE THING! phew, one problem solved at least! That’s the first time I have ever solved a problem, I think--anyways, i honestly would not fault someone for totally ignoring because WOW this got real long real fast...

if you did read this, thanks. C: it feels good to know that someone out there knows what I’m worrying about and is maybe expending a little bit of energy just thinking about the same thing I’m thinking about. just the possibility of that sort of makes me feel a little bit less alone in this situation. let me know what you think if you feel so inclined! I’ve gotta make a decision here and I know that I don’t really have time to just fool around and pretend that this doesn’t exist...I can’t afford to fuck around and be careless here when there are people I honestly care about (I KNOW! I hate admitting that I CARE about people. gross lol) involved. ugh. balance, what even is that? sounds like fake news, i don’t believe it exists.

uh....anyway, i guess this is the end. i’m sitting here typing away like i don’t have to be an adult and get my car inspected before taking a 3 hour road trip tomorrow. i should be responsible and go to sleep but whatever i’ve done enough responsible things for the day so getting to bed in a timely manner can wait for another day. baby steps, fam, baby steps

#besides im not done shitposting for the evening so i can't go to bed yet #thats an important and un-ignorable responsibility of mine #possibly my very top priority #at least i figured out the read more thing #damn it really has been awhile since i used that

34 notes · View notes