Wow look, more drawings!

Here's Anuli, the main character that would be better off a side character, or not a character at all as far as fae is concerned. Fae doesn't know why fae can't just read other's stories and not have to deal with faer own. Why can't fae just be without messing something up?

Also also, fae is very much in faer head and has the. hardest. time. trying to stay present and aware, leading faer to use storytelling metrics to fill in the gaps and make sense of the world. Fae has been told that fae acts clueless or doesn't care and fae doesn't know how to fix that.

And fae thinks fae might be a fallen fairy - doomed to destroy everything around faer. Anuli is trying to get faer own redemption arc to justify staying alive, but its.... difficult. Fae thinks fae may just have to run away.

Here's the quotes because handwriting is hard to read.

"I can fix my mistake, get you the happy ending I ruined."

"I know I sound delusional, but delusions are how I make sense of the world"

"What do you want me to say?" (Anuli is not that great at keeping conversations that don't somehow get faer in trouble. Fae often has to ask what the other's want faer to say. Otherwise fae will infodump, and that never ends well.)

"No. I'm not upset because of overthinking. My thoughts have crashed. Overthinking is my usual."

"No need to explain yourself. Just tell me the moment that defined your backstory (childhood) and I'll understand."

"The world makes more sense in my head"

"I would like to make the disclaimer that....yes. I am 'that clueless'. It is not an act. " (Fae doesn't know how to act anyways, and fae gets nervous and acts overdramatic anytime fae is nervous, leading to everyone else thinking that Anuli is trying to be lazy or has some ulterior motive. Fae doesn't. Fae is just eternally confused and doesn't want to be a bother.)

"Sometimes I wish I could read this story instead of participating in it."

"If I hurt you, know it was unintentional but should be expected" (Fae makes so many disclaimers about faerself and yet other fairies STILL get upset. Anuli thinks fae may need to find a better strategy)

"I don't know how I messed up. I just know that I became their antagonist"

"Wait! You can't stop now! I DESPISE open-ended stories." (unless it is faer own and fae doesn't have the motivation to finish it.)

"Don't listen to my nonsense, okay?" (Fae likes talking to faerself as if fae were talking to others because it feels nice to sort out faer thoughts but then the others think fae is trying to start a conversation).

I just found all your swanatello posts and I am obsessed. I don’t know if this is just a me thing, but when I see a piece of media that really gets to me and brings me the verge of tears, I get these aches in my hands. It just sort of means that the work has done it’s job incredibly well, and I like media that makes me cry as long as it has a happy ending!

anyways, your swanatello au gives me the hand aches /pos

Also, I have a question about the lake’s magic. Does it kind of “speak” to Donnie? Is that how he knows he’s supposed to be its guardian? Or does it like, impact his emotions instead? Something you wrote in the tags that made me think about this was when you said that Donnie didn’t react to his outfit because the lake made him feel like it was always been that way.

or does the lake not only erase Donnie’s memories but also re-write them?

Sorry for the ramble, I’m just really enjoying your au!

ahhhh thank you??? ; w ; i'm very glad you like it!!!!!!!!

the lake doesn't always speak to donnie, though it has before and he has heard its voice. but typically, it manipulates his emotions and thinking directly rather than speaking to him. the lake does erase memories, though it less 'rewrites' them and more compels donnie to simply not question the gaps. up until leo visited him on his own, swanatello felt that it made perfect sense for him to be at the lake; he innately understood his role as guardian and he didn't question at all how that came to be. he just accepted it.

and then he was able to recognize leo for the first time. and then suddenly he DID question how he came to be here, and why, (which he is not supposed to do,) and he realized that the pieces didn't add up and that something was wrong. he does remember things. he remembers that he loves science and how to code and engineer. he remembers all his ninja training and combat experience. he even remembers things like how to navigate the sewer systems-- but if he looks any closer at those memories, tries to ask himself, "why do i know how to navigate the sewer systems? where did i learn that? who was i with?" then things start to get fuzzy. it's a lot easier for him if he has cues or visuals reminders. (that, or a sibling nearby to help him.) he's started trying to keep physical record of things when he figures them out, but sometimes he'll find that portions of these notes will go missing or not make sense to him later.

right now, swanatello is almost constantly fighting to remember his life before the lake, as well as figure out a way to return to his family. the curse is constantly trying to undo any progress he makes.

Thanks so much answering my last post! I have few more questions:

Is your rewrite published yet? If so what is it called and where could I read it?

Also- your descriptions of Irene and Shad/Araphel are awesome and I would love to hear more of them (of all the divine really). Was Irene the lover of Shad? How did she rise to power, and what was she like before she fought him (also how exactly did the fight start? You said he got into a rage due to obsessing over something he couldn't have (Irene's whole undivided attention/love, but does that mean he grew to be violent towards her and the other warriors? Did he fall into jealous fits upon seeing her interact with its members?)

Lastly- Was Edmund and Enki in love with Irene in your rewrite, or have you changed it to more familial love and duty? Similarly, is Xavier in your rewrite? If so, what part does he play in the story, and was he also in love with Irene?

Question 1: No, neither of them are. If you want to read some of my writings you can check out my AO3, but most of my writing on there is a different variety of gay block men, and I only have the MID works and reuploads of my Garrance week stuff as something in the Aphamu fanbase.

Question 2/3: Absolutely. Araphel and Irene had a very toxic romance with one another, one that could have looked good to an outsider, but was clearly awful from the perspective of everyone watching. Not from the start, they were once very loving and kind people towards one another, largely because they met before the relics came into play in their lives. It was once the relics showed up and started gving them responsibilities outside of each other that Irene became distant, and Araphel became jealous.

Before things fell apart, I could absolutely see the two of them happily lying in one another's arms in a river that once ran through the cursed forest. They could be caught gallivanting off onto another romantic vacation, going off to see if they could find more relic holders once they got theirs. Irene used to be a woman full of life, wonder, and ideals. Someone who sought out others to bring humans together. It was only when she saw how jealous Araphel became that she realized the folly of man, how susceptible they are to their vices.

It was a slow building sort of jealousy too. At first it was just wanting to be around her all the time, then it was getting angry when she was gone for too long, questioning her on who she was with and what they were doing. Then it became basically stalking, where Araphel didn't trust Irene on her own and made sure she wasn't seeing anyone else when she disappeared for so long. If she showed even the slightest interest towards Esmund or literally anybody else, Araphel would threaten them. Irene obviously became fed up with this behavior, but when you're both humans turned into demi-gods, your lovers spat becomes less of a petty argument, and into the kind of thing that can cause an all out war and ripping open dimensions with the help of giant intelligent flying lizards.

Wait who the fuck is Xavier and why is everyone mentioning him? [one wiki check later] Oh! Huh, well I hadn't thought about him in a minute. I don't believe Xavier was a relic holder, for one. I think he was Irene's childhood best friend who harbored feelings of love towards her that he never expressed out of fear of rejection, and eventually gave up on once Araphel came into the picture and he realized that Irene wanted something else. He still loves Irene and held no resentment towards her, only wishing for her to be able to return to the bright eyed optimistic girl he fell in love with while playing in their old village.

As for Enki and Esmund, Esmund is still very in love with Irene in my rewrites. There's even a scene in the Epic I wrote that has the person who inherited Kul'zak's relic making fun of Garroth for the fact that Esmund, Araphel, and Irene couldn't figure out the obvious solution they already figured out to this conundrum. The solution is polyamory. I really don't like Enki having a crush on Irene, I think it's just not a good choice for his character because it essentially makes the Divine Warriors just a bunch of guys fighting over one girl while Kul'zak and Menphina watch from the sidelines eating popcorn.

Which is basically the dynamic in my rewrite, but Enki is also on the sidelines with them and sometimes has violent make out sessions with Kul'azk while Menphina just rolls her eyes and starts simping over her favorite toxic couple.

ON ADA’S LIFE AFTER RESIDENT EVIL 6, SOME RETRACTIONS / SOME ADDITIONS :

going forward i’ll probably walk back a majority of resident evil 6 canon divergence, for a number of reasons including that i’m too lazy to sit down & rewrite an entire resident evil game but also that as i’ve matured both as a person & as a writer i’ve come to better understand my issue with RE6 is that an it’s an incredibly interesting story told very poorly (where the chance of the characters wrestling with their discoveries is almost always whisked away by an overdrawn, jarring action set-piece that barely advances the plot) & the way to solve my issues is not removing some of the central themes of project ada but to attempt to make good on capcom’s blunder by adequately portraying them .  if you were to truly commit to rebuilding the game’s narrative from the ground up with ada in a leading role instead of a background one, then maybe some of my ideas would work but, again, who has the time to write endless drabbles about a stupid action-horror video game ?

joke’s on me, i have time

trigger warning, the following section contains mentions of implied assault, domestic abuse & forced pregnancy

my second reason is that i want to better work ada wong into the themes of resident evil 7 & 8, going in a direction for her character i’ve honestly never imagined myself considering but i think i stumbled onto a concept that’s a bit too good to pass up that involves making project ada just that little bit worse .  inspired partially by the series of files on derek’s transformation whose endnote detail the family’s plans to leave him for dead in china & usher in a new heir in his place, their displeasure & disappointment in him over all the wasted resources (& potentially the building of facilities in rival economies, his obsession with an asian woman, the family does exist to ensure global stability through white/western/american hegemony) spent chasing a docile, obedient substitute to a woman who will never love him back .  speaking of poorly told, by the by, the fate of the most powerful organization in the franchise after the death of its leader isn’t told to you in-game, you have to go to RE.net for it .

i doubt derek c. simmons was fully unaware that elements of the family were planning to oust him, he is meant to be the franchise’s overarching villain, with an heir prepared to take his role (a collateral descendant, i imagine), & his obsession with ada’s beauty & intellect, their compatibility as partners, tells me that he viewed her as more than just a showpiece to hang beside his throne, his desperation to have her back under his grasp because she, & only she, is worthy of being a mother to his child, of giving him a son that carries on his legacy, a child that bears their best qualities to lead the world into a future he envisions, him offering guidance from the shadows, clinging desperately to his power .  without a true heir, the coup would succeed even without derek’s death as him & carla had become a liability to the family’s ultimate goal & he is nothing if not a man made of contingencies .

i think you know where this is going .

of the many secrets ada finds through the lower levels of the quad tower, destroying carla’s final experiment & her research logs detailing neo-umbrella’s plans & operations, everything to do with project ada so that the theft of her identity is erased from stated record (though some reports from tatchi note the presence of two ada wongs based on cross-referenced sightings from BSAA personnel, plus, well one is dressed in reds & the other in blues, kind of hard to change clothing so often when you’re on the run from chris redfield), she uncovers a video diary of her doppelganger, one where she is constantly oscillating between extremes, between the happiness that derek, the one man who loves her most in the world, blessed her with the gift of motherhood & with a child that will show the world the love they share for each other & the other, the inner voice of the woman trapped within that screams to cut that thing out of her, take a knife & rip herself apart & spill its guts to show derek that she won’t allow his legacy to continue .  it sets the kernel of an idea she will build onto later, a child of her own incubating beneath the sea bed, a monster much like simmons, one that will destroy the world he’s created .

they stand at odds & fight as the logs go on with the inner voice ringing a hollow victory, carla realizing she can’t rid herself of the pregnancy, she has already done so much beneath simmons’ ever watchful gaze to ensure the world his & his family controls burns to the ground & failing to deliver the child would put her under too much scrutiny, she can’t allow her plans to fail .  the final few videos showing her, cradling a baby daughter in her arms, one final struggle between love & hatred that’s only decided when simmons enters the frame, enraged at carla’s failure to give him a son .  it’s wasted rage, he can’t afford to wait another nine months as the family accelerates their moves against him & ada averts her eyes the second she sees him raise his hand .  she’s seen enough, she knows what awaits in the dark laboratory that still stands in the quad tower & every nerve in her body tells her to run away, let it all burn down to cinders, but a pang of guilt pushes her forward, some kind of sick, perverted curiosity to uncover one final mystery that plagues her need to know everything .  a foregone conclusion whose answers & resolve she’s already internalized that she has to see through, for herself, for carla’s sake, for the ten thousand woman that suffered at her & simmons’ hand .

they wait for her, lost in a corner of the laboratory that has yet to burn, a room off to the side where something can be so easily forgotten,

whatever carla’s motivations were, the benefit of studying the offspring of a chrysalid mutant for the development of enhanced c, the strain used to turn simmons into what he always meant to be, or maybe a kind of unwanted bond formed the moment derek rejected his daughter, much in the same way he rejected carla despite her devotion to him in favor of ada (something to speak for a remnant of carla’s humanity), much like her reason for involving ada in her plans, either to see her burn with the rest of the world & pay for simmons’ obsession with her or because carla knows ada will put her life on the line to keep chaos from engulfing the planet, calling upon her as a way to quite literally stop herself, ada can’t parse it, not really .  she does like to guess, of course, & she’s the only character in RE6 that shows carla any kind of understanding & sympathy (what the hell did simmons do to you? / i don’t condone your actions carla, but at least now i understand them), aware that she can only really lay blame at the feet of simmons & trying to at least affirm carla’s humanity before she completely sheds it (but it was your conscience carla, that saw you fail. after all, isn’t that why you brought me into this? which is an oddly written & delivered line, but far be it from me to suggest RE6 isn’t the most well considered game in the franchise .  ada turns sour on carla the second she becomes an active threat, but there is a solemn goodbye to the carla that was after she starts biting back, some guilt in it too) .  which is why she carries out the only part of carla’s plans that should be seen through to its conclusion, ending simmons .

a young girl, two, maybe three years old at most, cowering away from the destruction right above them, left without carla or the scientists that took care of her .  the final unknown, the answer ada didn’t want to find .  a palpable fear hangs in the air, a dread that settled within her ribcage, she wished that the shadows could hide her, that she would only be a brief silhouette in the doorway that vanishes the second its seen but the flames flicker brighter, her face is shown in the fire, blood & dirt & watering eyes, & the child runs to her, she clings to her & it’s like a chain around her ankle, a weight to drag her down & a single word echoes through the chaos, softly spoken, relief, sadness, happiness, something that sinks ada’s soul, she drowns beneath the waves, in depths of herself left undiscovered—

in mandarin,  “  mother ?  ”

a sound like shattered glass, sharp & piercing, plunging its way into her heart, a new wound from which to bleed through, whatever & whoever ada wong is now .  she closes her eyes, daring not to glance below, tightening the grip on her MP9, placing her finger on the trigger .  it was her first thought, how she could end it all right here, project ada, simmons’ legacy, the decade of pain & suffering that led to marhawa, edonia, tall oaks & tatchi, but then she would become a monster too, wouldn’t she ?  beyond sympathy, beyond humanity, a hypocrisy that rings in her ear, makes it hard to hear whatever else the child says, the happiness of their reconnection, her cries of an undelivered promise, that they would one day leave this lab together .  she recants, a heavy sigh that brings no relief with it, as if from new lungs & she finally looks down, into a mirror of something she’d thought lost .  what she sees in that child is not carla, nor derek or the monstrosity that led to her birth, but ada’s own eyes reflected back .  an unwanted child born to a woman unfit to be a mother .  it’s a shock through her body, a jolt that forces her to act, holstering her gun & grabbing the child’s hand instead, another of carla’s promises she intends to keep .

another mess she has to clean up .

there’s a life out there waiting for them, one of many she’s built up over the years as a contingency, far too many times forced into hiding by those like simmons (as i doubt project ada was the sole outlet for his lust & obsession, why settle for a replica when you can have the real thing ?  & derek is a man used to getting what he wants), who would want to claim ada wong & her secrets all for themselves .  a small, tight-knit cantonese speaking community occupying an apartment block in singapore, where a travelling business woman returns home once every couple of years, now with a kid in hand .  there was a kind of slight heartbreak in hearing how “her” daughter could only speak mandarin, when so much of the ada wong persona is intertwined with growing up in cantonese-speaking hong kong, its culture, its cinema, her youth spent learning & performing cantonese opera, & the disconnect she felt in spite of it all, with a han chinese father & a mandarin name .  she wouldn’t expect simmons to have understood that, nor carla, it just lends itself to another way her identity had been perverted, degraded, lessened into a parody of itself that took center stage over the original act .  she can’t afford to be ada wong anymore, at least for now, & there is something at stake other than herself for once, a new purpose, a new way to be that has to be learned as she goes, & thus sheng ming hui & her daughter settle into a domesticity that is as much a welcome respite as it is a prison for a woman who has lived her life always wanting to spread her wings .

the child’s name is mei, a reference to the ada wong persona’s chinese name, 黃美芬 (wong mei-fan) & ada resolves to complete it with a flourish of her own, mei-li, something taken from her own mother’s name (judith yuen li-zhen (袁李贞), which, yes, is lifted directly off maggie cheung’s character from in the mood for love, i am nothing if not wholly unoriginal) .  though the surnames change as they move around the world in an effort to stay hidden, in time ada does begin affectionately calling her meimei .

there’s very few that know of ada’s fate after tatchi, among them :

jill  valentine  (@goetiya​),  her confidant, the only person allowed a peek beneath the veil in their mutual dance, a playful romance that dragged itself out from those precious few months before the raccoon city incident, who ends up taking mei-li under her own care after ada’s survival is discovered by the “ organization ”, the seedier underbelly of the federation of pharmaceutical companies that have begun sinking their teeth into the BSAA, as per my village verse .  through her, of course, other characters learn of mei-li, though not her connection to ada wong (subject to plotting, naturally), jill saying she has taken the child of “one of her contacts within the bioterror underworld” under her care, for a time .  chris redfield, rebecca chambers, barry burton & most importantly claire redfield, who ends up spotting in for jill as a babysitter when she’s at the beck & call of a darker BSAA .  it’s a risk assumed, how ada casts her shadows over jill’s life, forcing her to withhold the truth from the people closest to her .

leon  s.  kennedy  (@knnedy​),  whom ada drags to singapore one faithful autumn day, two years into her exile, a way to say goodbye, a way to air out the existential horror of carla radames to the man who stands the best chance of understanding it, something they both share, like raccoon city, like spain, yet ada knows her wounds run deeper than his .  maybe she’s grown softer, spending time as a mother to a child that shouldn’t have been born, maybe there’s still a few knives she’d like to twist into his back, some blame she would like to place, a way to motion guilt from herself onto him, but there’s an absence of choice here & so she serves him a warning, the cost of his bleeding heart .

mia  winters  (@terrorgone​​),  an old contact from ada’s days investigating tricell in ‘09, a riskier, more self-destructive side to her that’s shown after jill’s “death” .  a tumultuous relationship she holds no pride in that scorched prague for a month, someone she would be happy to forget about as she moves on to new marks & new identities but fate plays funny tricks on people & mia ends up being more significant to the world than she has any right to, in ada’s mind .  after dulvey, trading hands between various BSAA safehouses before being settled in romania, mia spots a familiar looking young girl following jill around as she’s interrogated at the BSAA’s north america branch .  she’s smarter than ada gives her credit for & she knows her & jill have something in common, peering down ada’s eyes up close .  it’s a chance to put a knife to ada’s throat much in the same way she once put a needle to her neck back in prague, to see the woman beneath the mask after ada didn’t give her the right .

anyone else is open for discussion .

some final thoughts, what, did you think we were done ? :

on the surface level the notion of ada wong as a mother is laughable, to me, but that’s usually because the avenue to motherhood people use is her relationship to leon & if this post wasn’t long enough i could list out all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, but like anything regarding the ada/leon romance you have reduce both characters to tropes they subvert in order for it to function & make their dynamic that much less interesting & that much more intense in a way that it isn’t portrayed on-screen .  

hopefully i’ve argued my case for taking her character in this direction, because keeping in with ada’s overall subversion of the femme fatale archetype, it’s not the narrative that treats motherhood as the end of her character (as her story goes on well into the events of village), but herself, she views it as a punishment, as a prison, as an end to the illustrious career of super spy ada wong when that’s not really the case, small joys though she finds in playing a doting mother to an unloved child, she can’t keep away from her calling & she continues observing the motions of the world from afar, as well as her side hobby as a grey hat hacker trading in sensitive information to dismantle legal & criminal organizations alike .  her inability to reconcile with her new life eventually leading to her capture & her separation from mei-li before the events of RE8 .

i think it gives ada more of an in with ethan winters & a reason to help him over the course of RE8 beyond just using him as a way to get to miranda & her research, as she too, like him, like miranda, is a parent desperate to reunite (or just reunite, in ethan’s case) with her daughter .  a woman otherwise unfit to be a mother (miranda, alcina) that does what she can with the broken pieces of herself to make a life for her child (mia) .  it also serves to tie an overall narrative between games that feel like they’re from different franchises, RE6 & RE7, through the uniting theme of family & the children who grow up in resident evil’s rendition of our very own global forever war .

anyway, i think that’s my piece, thanks for reading !

beat you to it once again... oopsie! early, even! JUNE: what did you read, what did you think? what's next in your summer reading, cas? i want to know it all

not only was I not first but I'm also days late to this too, a girl can't win! </3

I read 5 which is kinda silly & perhaps proves the theory of me reading more when I travel - something about a full schedule that just makes me go Ahhhh yes perfect time to read ! I made a lil visual of the 5 bc for some reason my goodreads isn't showing the dennis cooper covers + I really loved the cover art

Closer by Dennis Cooper

my first Cooper, I feel initiated!! read this in one sitting on a flight, I couldn't possibly put it down - truly the book form of a car crash you can't look away from, a Camus/Bresson/Araki vibe with Disaffected / Cynical Youths In Situations™ feel. one of those books where it's not so much about the prose or character developments but moreso the emotional journey/damage (lol) the events put you thru?? I read it on my kindle and was still paranoid someone would catch a glimpse of my screen during the particularly depraved scenes, it's such a rush to read sick twisted books like this in public <3

Frisk by Dennis Cooper

read this on a beach day with friends and it trulyyy hit the spot, like will 4real recommend this as a beach read if anyone asks LOL with Closer still fresh on my mind I was less shocked by the depravity, less taken back with the extent of how graphic things got, and was able to focus more on the characters and storyline itself. realllyyyy really loved it, the theme of obsession and unraveling it to its foundational moments came across so cohesively + the unreliable narrator was written so convincingly. I read in a review that while Cooper was writing sex scenes, if anything turned him on, he would rewrite it LOL I love that so much - COMMIT TO THE SICK BIT, TRULY! a testament to writing sick things not equaling glorifying/romanticizing said sick things (which should go without say but yknow). also Loved the movie adaptation of this - it's been on my radar 5ever and I'm so glad I read it first bc the gritty artistic direction(s) felt that much more justified to me

The Carnivorous Lamb by Agustín Gómez-Arcos

3 fictions in a row omg are you proud?? this was soooooo beyond what I expected, so gripping. it reminded me a little bit of Call Me By Your Name at times (ironically not even just bc of the taboo relationships) with its hazy idyllic summerlike prose and ambience, but this one's definitely way meatier with its themes and intent. incest/queerness/family dysfunction as metaphor/consequence/response to a dictatorship, the aftermath of war, the disintegration of a country as you once know it. so punchy and direct but also delicate and wide-eyed at times, I really really enjoyed it more than I expected to. was very surprised to find out that it seems to be a hit with Supernatural fans (particularly the subsection that ships the 2 brothers together), stripping context from the flowerier lines for the purpose of singling out the incest....like ummm!! that's certainly One way to interpret a book so tangled with Franco's dictatorship but ok go off?!!

Pornotopia by Paul Preciado

ooooooo so much fun. the playboy mansion as disneyland for grown men, as a surveillance state, as dante's 9 levels of hell, as women's prison. The Girls Next Door was my first introduction to Playboy and I used to be so fascinated with the idea of people living this way, like you're telling me these hot young women are CHOOSING to live with this frail hag in a robe??? so it was cool to unravel the mystique of the mansion/company/Institution of Playboy to its bare, ideological + architectural bones. to follow, I read this profile piece on Hefner's eldest son's experience growing up in/around the mansion - what a trip!

How Do I Look? Queer Film and Video by Bad Object-Choices

I'm almost positive I read one of the essays (Looking For My Penis by Richard Fung) in college already bc I had a sense of deja vu the whole time, but generally this felt really familiar! conversations/discussions I've had in school, movies I've watched and the analyses that followed. this collection is essentially a bunch of transcribed presentations/talks at a conference followed by a discussion with fellow queer/film theorists/academics, so there was so much dimension to every topic which I appreciated! rly loved that they didn't hold back in the discussions, kind of scandalizing to see some theorists poke holes at the presenter's talk + you can Feel the tension that was in the room without even being there. I think I'd pee my pants in that position

I turn 25 in August and had idealized getting all my #EssentialAdult reading in the time leading up to the (alleged) Final Forming Of Thy Brain, finally dip my toes in some Joan Didion or some city woman grown-up wisdom, all that jazz. I'm kinda on a fiction kick though?? I've already finished 2 books this month (1 fiction, 1 memoir) I'll talk about later + am like halfway thru the 3rd George Miles Cycle book by Cooper (Closer + Frisk are part of a 5-book series, though mostly unrelated as far as characters go). I've got another fiction I have planned, but otherwise I do think I'm in desperate need of a woman's literary touch LOL so perhaps I will get on the Road-to-25 plan after all

So much of the disappointment of S5 came down to its refusal to actually do anything with the good elements of SP0P. It feels like we traded final seasons with the Berenstein universe, or it was based on Stevenson’s original drafts instead of the actual episodes, or they meant to go back and flesh it out with payoffs for the planting but never got around to it. (Or, in keeping with my conspiracy theory about this, that the permission/order to do c/a came a noticeable chunk into the allotted writing period and forced them to rewrite everything in a wild rush.)

Adora and C*tra had a promise to look after each other. We learn this in a big episode named after it, written by the showrunner! Is that going to go anywhere? Nope, never mentioned again. But hey, it was inadvertently recontextualised by the flashback that paints their entire friendship as a toxic, controlling mess; that’s not nothing! It’s less than nothing!

Adora punches C*tra in the face and refuses to put up with her guilt-tripping any more. How does S5 handle this? Well, it has C*tra pull out the Blame Game several times, and Adora meekly accepts every shitty bit of victim blaming the writers dole out in their frantic attempt to both-sides this argument four seasons after they would have had to start to make it work. (Which is a failure confined solely to S5, as a note; whoever had the idea to build C*tra’s redemption around an apology hopefully did not anticipate that it would later be whittled down from “I’m sorry for everything” to “I’m sorry you were offended”.)

Meanwhile, on C*tra’s end, there was that whole Thing in S3 about how her obsession with Adora was only hurting them both and the best thing for her would be to move on. That was gutsy. Acknowledging that even if two characters did care for each other, trying to commit to it would only hurt them? That’s the kind of complex, difficult thing you’d see from Steven Universe at its best. So, naturally, season 5 opts to completely drop that because doing anything to expand on it would contradict the Shipping Grid of Destiny, which is more important than any of your lowly mortal concerns like plot, characterisation, or theme.

Or hey, how about Adora’s desire to find her family, which is given a wildly unsatisfying resolution (”they’re dead so stop asking”) and then dropped entirely? They don’t even take the low-hanging fruit option of having C*tra console Adora over it (that would be too much like treating Adora like a person with her own needs for S5 to even consider it), they just forget it was there, and even the found family option is given one dream sequence that is never actually connected to it. Bonus points because taking this option both abandons the power-of-friendship stuff from the much better written season 1 and 4 finales and sidelines the best candidates for her found family, the Princesses of Power, who you’d think would have been important because they’re literally in the title but apparently not.

This is a pattern that becomes much clearer in the wake of S5 and its attempt to make a clean break with seasons 1-4 but was already there before it, from the C*tra/Shadow Weaver parallels that end up going exactly fucking nowhere to the crowd of princess outlines that Light Hope shows Adora for no coherent reason because we later learn that the only one who actually matters is Scorpia.

The show always seems to be planned out until the end of the season and then just wings it from there. And that’s not an inherently bad thing, many great stories have been the product of just winging it, but it does make it weird when people ignore that and act like it’s not this thing it’s hard not to notice that it in fact is.

If this whole thing was a Glorious Cohesive Narrative That Was Planned In Advance, that means they intentionally had C*tra do something borderline unforgivable with the explicit intent of having it be hastily forgiven. They deliberately yelled in the audience’s face that this relationship is not healthy and the best thing for them both would be to move on as an intentional way of making people want them to hook up. That’s...kinda not a good look.

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @failed221b-chill for tagging me!! I'm still such a little baby newbie fic writer but I'm eager for the chance to reflect and grow more.

How many works do you have on AO3? 2. Hoping to increase that soon!

What's your total AO3 word count? 2,285. Amazingly low compared to my huge chunkin longfic sitting tucked away, unpublished.

What fandoms do you write for? Mainly Final Fantasy VIII, but I've dabbled in Stardew Valley.

What are your top five fics by kudos? Top five, lol. Wellll one of my Laguna one-shots has 5 kudos! I'm pretty happy with that considering there are like 5 FFVIII fans out there!

Much more under the cut!

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Absolutely! I want to talk about my fics all day!! That is, I have only received thoughtful, positive comments from lovely people so it's been easy so far.

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? As of right now, They Are My Family is the angstiest ending I've ever written, though you might consider it a somewhat optimistic ending. In its very short word count, this fic deals with Laguna's immense loss and how he channels his grief into helping other people. I dearly enjoy writing angst, though, just usually with a happy ending.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Grip on My Heart, my other posted Laguna one-shot, is a happy ending (though if you know FFVIII then you can probably see the angst between the lines). However, if I ever post my Stardew Valley longfic it's got a very sweet ending. I wrote that as a total escapist happy ending fantasy tale lol. And hey, I would even argue that my FFVIII longfic may actually have the happiest ending of all, simply because the angst that it took to get there makes it all the sweeter.

Do you get hate on your fic? Not yet, though I anticipate that I am not everyone's cup of tea, and I think I am okay with that. I would hope that people who comment would have the ability to be respectful about our disagreements. Alas, I know it doesn't always work that way.

Do you write smut? Indeed, I do! Nothing posted yet, and nothing too explicit. But yep! I've got little spicy bits peppered through all of my wips. It took me a while to be okay with writing sexy stuff but I wanted to explore that aspect of relationships. I don't think I could ever write straight porn, though.

Do you write crossovers? I have not considered a crossover, but there's still time! I'm not opposed to it, just haven't had any inspiration.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I don't think so! That would be sad.

Have you ever had a fic translated? No but holy cow what an honor to one day be that important!

Have you ever co-written a fic? No, I've thought about the logistics of this and I'm not sure how much I'd like it, though I may be convinced otherwise one day. And like my bestie and beta @failed221b-chill pointed out, before finding each other the two of us practically wrote the same fic but with different characters and a different plot. Pretty incredible to see the themes I have been obsessing over told in a new way!!

What's your all-time favourite ship? Oh, how can I ever get enough of Squall and Rinoa? dreamy sigh

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Ooh good question. I'm starting to doubt the validity of my unpublished Stardew Valley longfic. I think it has great potential, and I may go back and rewrite the entire thing, but it's just got a lot that needs work. I am pretty determined to finish my FFVIII longfic so that gets priority!

What's your writing strengths? Ahh, talking about my writing strengths is not one of my writing strengths. After reflecting on this for a hot minute, I think I can appreciate my growing ability to write in a way that is easy to understand. With practice and the help from @failed221b-chill I've gotten so much better at flow. I also have little moments of intrigue, imagery, and maybe a little bit of symbolism that I'm proud of. In general, I think my biggest strength is that I am learning quickly how to make all aspects of my writing better!

What's your writing weaknesses? I feel like I can't end a scene to save my life, but maybe I'm the only one who sees that in my writing! I also struggle with knowing when to dramatize a scene and when to leave it to exposition. For a while I thought that was just the problem with writing a longfic that spans over several years, but I found the same issue in writing one-shots. On a related note, I think I fall in the under-writer category. My rough drafts are usually about 1/4 of the size of the final product. I guess on reflection that's more of a strength: I can flesh things out appropriately during editing! Oh that's a nice discovery :)

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I'm not opposed to it, but I don't see it happening in anything I plan on writing! I'm simply not familiar enough with any other langues (RIP, my almost-fluency in French).

First fandom you wrote for? Probably either FFVIII or Harry Potter. I can't remember which came first! I know for a brief time I was all about that James and Lily ship lol

Favourite fic you've ever written? Definitely my FFVIII longfic wip. As far as published works go, They Are My Family is really something I'm proud to have put out in the world.

I'm officially tagging anyone who would like to participate! Enjoy!

I love your writing so much, thank you for everything Jalice you created with your brilliant mind😭

I have heard mcu would be updated? And stl too? Omg. Lexie, I swear you uploads treated as a freaking Holiday miracle in my life. I legit to this day remember the absolute mind-altering evening I had, when I found STL and have read it for the first time. I re-read it yesterday, and its makes me e.m.o.t.i.o.n.a.l every time, fuck. Especially Jasper’s parts.

Also, I do realise its might seem like I am stalking your blog, but I am just obsessed with your view on Twilight and Jalice, I swear, I am not a psycho😂. Its also that, yours is the only tumblr blog I have a notification mode turned on.

Also, I would love to see the Dark & the Unknown, because what the fuck is with Alice? She IS alive, right? Like, I have a whole movie in my head, where opens her eyes and the Cullens are like, what the fuck is going on? And Jasper is just shocked, horrified but also relieved. And then the Cullens hear them fucking in Jasper’s study, and they are traumatised.😐😂 and Emmett is just: “bro, she is terrifying 😈 “ or something like that😀

Anyway, thank you for everything you have written so far, I ADORE your brain❤️

You are so damn sweet <3 Thank you so much for your support, you've left so many comments and tags and likes, it means so much to me. I'm just the weirdo with too many ideas and not enough time to get them all written.

Jar of Hearts and STL are the next two updates I have planned. Variable Stars is currently in pieces undergoing a complete rewrite of the next three chapters. The one-shots this month are my fantastically late Valentine's one-shot from Space-verse, and the February prompt for the 2023 Prompt List.

Shadow to Light being so popular is wild to me, and I am so grateful people are still following it. It was supposed to be a one-shot, then a two-shot, then a fic that was wrapped up in 6 chapters (I still remember exactly where it was when it changed for me to a Big Project), and now is one of the longest fics I've ever managed and one of the things I'm most proud of. Thank you so much for putting up with my slow updates.

I do have some amazing asks from you in my inbox, I just need the time to sit down and give them a good response that doesn't make me sound like a babbling fool (and there was one that I needed to hunt down a specific image that has become really hard to find, but I think I found it!)

2023 is The Dark And the Unknown's year, I can feel it. We're going to get our cryptid romance on. I don't want to spoil it, but Alice does freak out the entire family at one point, and Jasper is smitten. However, the pacing is messed up at the moment - which just means I have to add a bunch of scenes and make it longer - so I'm crossing my fingers that it will be this year's Halloween fic.

And again, thank you. Before I wrote for Jalice, I wrote for fandoms/pairings that didn't have a lot of interaction, so I never got to talk to people or have anyone read my stuff so it always amazing and exciting to see likes and reblogs and reviews and asks (that might be why I get overwhelmed - I'm absolutely not used it!)

OMFG CHAPTER SIX PART ONE????? Girl it was so good!!! so so so sweet and ugh. just melted my heart and made me feel all fuzzy i NEED moreee 🥹🫶 the family interactions melt my heart and i am so excited to see yns & masons relationships with each others familys develop along with their own 💞 but this new oliver guy…. he better watch his back im not letting anything come in between yn and mason and their chances of becoming a cute family for real🤺🤺 but i am looking forward to the possible angst 👀 im just so obsessed with this series!! their whole not-yet-family dynamic is so cute and lily’s relationship w her new family is so so so sweet and heartwarming and you capture it so well in ur writing!!! like fr youre giving me baby fever 🥲

and i know you said you wanted feedback and im not sure if you’re looking for constructive criticism and if not then just ignore this and not post it: the entire chapter was so well written and i loved every part of it! and i really hope you don’t think im being mean or anything because i think you’re a great writer and literally one of my favourites on here and i know you get pressured by a lot of other anons on here to post the next chapters asap so ik its not your fault but some parts felt a little bit rushed?? you probably felt pressured to push out as much of the next part asap so i completely understand bc i know how ruthless some people on here could be and this chapter was still wonderful of course and ive reread this part like 5 times since last night lmfao but i think what would make the series better/improve your writing is if you made each scenario a little bit more detailed? meeting masons parents for example felt a little bit rushed as there wasnt much detail about what exactly happened when mason explained everything and i would’ve appreciated more detail into how his parents reacted to everything he said and how that affected yn??? you have so much potential and are already so good at writing but i think if you slowed down a little bit, the whole story would be sm better (not that its bad rn, bc im obsessed with it regardless) i really hope im not being rude or hypercritical because that’s not my intention at all, i just think you have so much potential and i would love to see u reach that w this series <33 oh god this is a lot of words but basically i think you should slow down with the series and put as much detail as u can into each scenario (if you want to/are up for it ofc, because its still great as it is rn) because i honestly think this series and you as a writer have so much potential and i want to see u become an even better one w this series bc i LOVE the plot and all ur work. again, i love u i hope im not being a bitch or mean or too demanding but i think to make the series better u should slow down and like. kinda savour each scenario?? because personally i would love more detail to fuel my delusions LOL and i know its hard because of how much pressure anons put u under so if u think its easier to continue as is and forget about this anon then that’s completely fine too <3 im still gonna read each chapter over and over again anyway 😌🫶 but yea this chapter was 10/10 and really sweet and i am so excited for the next part and i really hope youre not taking this as me being mean, im just suggesting areas u can improve on but i dont want to be hypercritical at all and i dont want to make u feel bad bc i love u and think ur great and this is getting too long now lol ok love u bye

This. This is how you share constructive criticism and people should learn from you!

First, I wanna thank you for reading my story. Means a lot, and I’m really happy you’re enjoying it!

Yes, it was rushed, I think it has to do with how little I’ve been able to focus on it over the past week and how hard it is for me to write family interactions considering my experience with my own family has always been so fucking toxic I don’t know much what a healthy dynamic is like. I tend to rewrite Mason and Lily a lot because I’m never fully happy with their dynamic. But I was thinking of writing individual interactions? Like, Y/N getting closer to his parents and eventually telling them how she felt? I have some ideas for the next chapter and I think that’d fit and I’d love to know your thoughts on it if you’d like to DM me? ♥️

Thank you, again! ♥️♥️♥️

Thank you for responding nicely, you were very helpful and you actually motivated me to work more on myself. The problem here is that I'm not a native or anything, but English is so easy to me and I think its easier than my first language. However, I still have problems with how native talk and speak, describing and the likes. Anyway, forget about that. What I come here to ask was how did you write your fic "Mechanical Angel"? What inspired you or helped you to write it? If it's too much just ignore it. This work is so good and the plot is really intriguing , I can't put in words but I really loved it. Thank you for writing it.

Hey sorry for the late reply, had to do a bit of travelling!

Don't worry too much! Keep practising! A thing I like to do is rewrite something I wrote ages ago to see my progress. It's super fun and extremely motivating to see how far you've come.

As for your question, I've written and rewritten an answer so many times because I both want to go into detail and also not go into too much detail because it might be a bit much. This does get a little bit too personal, it's nothing extreme but I'll apologise anyway. Also sorry if it sounds a bit rambly, at least I didn't write too much!

I first got the idea zoning out to music on a long truck ride and I thought of Eichi taking in a newly orphaned Mika from a snowy war zone. Then Mika learns that Eichi killed his family after overhearing a convo between Eichi and Yuzuru, he becomes distant and joins the army to kill Eichi in revenge, befriends Shu, then there's the end scene on the cliff years later in winter where it's revealed that it was all a misunderstanding and that Eichi loves Mika like a son after he's shot by Mika. That was the original simple plotline that I dumped into a document to write another day.

There are so many inspirations behind this fic.... Attack on Titan... Watership Down (I wonder if anyone noticed the references peppered throughout)... Linked Horizon's songs (He Lies in a Cold Coffin, chapter title of 3, is literally She Lies in a Cold Coffin, one of my favourite Linked Horizon Songs)... Made in Abyss... the actual Mechanical Angel song by Sunday Driver where I got the title and idea for Mika becoming a living weapon, but the whole evil doctor Tatsumi thing was inspired by an actual certain doctor whose skull is now used by forensics students in Brazil.

I was doing a lot of digging into WW2 before I started, more than I usually do anyway, as well as that aforementioned certain doctor because I somehow became obsessed with it (purely research intentions, but I DO love WW2 planes, greatly, I get so excited whenever I see any WW2 plane from any country), and I was looking for inspiration knowing I'd be writing in a similar setting in a similar timeframe. So that was a major inspiration.

But what really changed the story was when I lived on my family's farm for two months after certain circumstances. I abandoned the other au I was writing back then and began writing this one some days after moving in.

'Because Mika is in a new environment, just like me, sure I understand what he's going through' is how me expressing my own personal conflicts in this fic began, it very quickly became more than just that. (E.g. Eichi getting upset at Arashi's mother).

It was the environment and hatred for my abusive family that served as a driving force. Writing it practically became a coping method. And it helped. So much. It was healing and cathartic to write and it genuinely helped me in so many ways it's not too much to say it completely rewired my brain in certain aspects. Sure there are scenes that I think are pretty juvenile (e.g. Mika and Eichi's father), but then I remember why I wrote them that way and leave it be because it was what I needed back then. Nobody needed to like it or understand, it was all for myself. (And also, it is just a fanfiction in the end so it's totally fine).

I live in New Zealand so it was late spring when I started writing. So hot too! It was practically summer already, it got hotter each day. So many cicadas, too. Summer is definitely an important season in the fic precisely because of those days when I'd get away from my family by writing in one of the paddocks in a secluded part of the farm. In ch.2 there's a ladybug because I stared at the grass while thinking of what to write and saw the cutest little ladybug myself and decided to start the next scene just like that. That's one of my most favourite memories, and also maybe getting too scared to leave the paddock when I was writing the end of ch.3 at night because there were bulls blocking the gate... I had to squish through the mud and climb over the fence instead and there were possums (I actually don't know what they were! This is just a guess! All I heard was high-pitched creature screaming!) screaming in the forest right next to me so that totally wasn't scary!

But yes, writing in the countryside, combined with me watching WW2 documentaries and Watership Down at night, my personal struggles with family, and DOGS because I LOVE dogs, served to completely change the plot that I thought would be so simple as well as add a heap of words I never expected.

Also, very important, this: "And if Eichi was right beside him in his arms, if Mika could feel his breath and hear his heartbeat, then Eichi was definitely safe" from ch.65 Screams Drowning in the Roaring Wind (inspired by lyrics for Sensen no Realism, an Ending Song for Youjo Senki, a lot of the chapter titles are inspired by lyrics from different songs), is based on this paragraph from an article called Why Does My Rottweiler Sit on Me: Understanding This Odd Behavior:

"And sometimes you will get sat on. This will probably make your Rottweiler feel better, because if they are sitting on you then you are definitely safe. But it might not have quite the same impact on you."

Rottweilers are a dream breed of mine, so I gave Eichi 2 Rotties (mentioned in ch.51 before Tori terrorises Mika). It's just a shame Mika is so scared of dogs, doesn't help he gets attacked by a dog though. Either way he would definitely sit on Eichi to make absolutely sure he is safe. He's a good guard dog.

peppermint, hibiscus and ceylon for the tea writing asks please!

Ooooh yes <3 <3

Peppermint: What’s your favorite way to overcome writer’s block?

Reading! Usually poetry - but poetic prose works too (think: Anne Boyer's The Undying or even Lighthouse Witches or The Killing Moon). Also doing research can help kick start the writing process - I'll read a bit about a relevant topic which helps with inspiration or at least giving me a place to start. Sometimes reading about something completely unrelated helps too - it gets me thinking laterally.

E.g., I'm writing about 15th century Italy, charismatic preaching, and possession but I'm reading about wellness con-artists in the 21st century and man the linkages! the inspiration! it's really something.

The big thing though is just sitting down and doing it. Pen to paper. There's no magic bullet for writer's block save for actually writing. If I'm in one, and it's a block versus "your brain literally just needs a break from writing" - two different things - then I'll set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes and I will write without stoping and I find that by the time the fifteen is up, I'm in the groove again and I can continue on for another hour or two or whatever. The first half might be garbage, but that's what editing is for.

Changing up how I write also helps. If I'm in a block, or stuck in a part of a story, I'll switch from typing to writing by hand. Or I'll write in a bar or a coffee shop versus at home. The change can jog something in your head and help with the block.

Hibiscus: What inspired your WIP?

The Venetians: I write a lot about consumption and hunger - people who have read my LOTR rewrite will know this, it does show up in my discworld fics to a certain degree, definitly in my poetry. And I'm rather enamoured with family history consuming the present generation, also the idea of love as a form of eating/consumption and that can be a nourisghing thing, but it can also rot a person too. Love of another person, of family, of country, of faith - the obsessions that can bring about and the ghosts left behind once that obsession, that consumptive love, has run its course.

So the Venetians has love of country/city state, love of family, love of one's work, love of duty, love of the idea of duty/doing what is right - and the good and bad of such loves and their manifold interconnections, the wreckage such things leave in their wake etc.

Miracle in Fruili: I'm just starting this one but there's something about the horror of holiness that fascinates me.

There's a scene in Cadfael that's always stuck with me, and I would call it the guiding inspiration for this work. Cadfael's brothers are being "guided" to Wales in search of the resting place of Saint Winifred, and their search is led by a Brother Columbanes who is a "visionary" and receives sights and visions from God - whether they're real or not is irrelevant, and the audience is left to make their own decision on it.

Once they find the saint, they disenter her and are going to bring her back to Shrewsbury - there's of course murder and intrigue and some fun, if rather heretical things happen.

But in one bit, Brother Jerome and Brother Columbanes are keeping vigil over the saint's bones and Brother Jerome falls asleep. It's a plot point that he does and Cadfael later asks him about that evening and this is what Jerome says:

“Was ever a man more sanctimonious in his self-denial, or more selfish? The first night of our vigil, for example, he [Brother Columbanes] brings me food and wine and yet he takes none for himself. Not one bite or drop. He just kneels in pious prayer watching me eating and drinking as if I was some sinful glutton. 

I tell you, brother, if Columbanes is touched by God, I am glad to be merely human.” 

–Brother Jerome in Cadfael: A Morbid Taste for Bones 

I've always just loved that idea "if this is what it is to be touched by God, I'm glad I'm merely human" - the horror and fear at the sight of the divine is a well trodden path, but it's one that I find interesting. I'm also curious about the horror and fear of being in the body, the head and soul of the person receiving such visitations.

Catherine of Siena, in her ecstatic moments, begins with joy and happiness. But as her visions progress, they become darker and darker. By her death, she was seeing demons and hellish things rather than angels, saints and blessed figures.

So yeah. There you go! I'll have more to say on Fruili the longer I write it. It takes me a few versions to realize what the book is and what got me there.

Ceylon: Best writing advice you’ve ever received?  

I've recieved some good nuggets over the years.

When you finish a project, put it in a drawer for a month or two before doing your first round of edits. You need that distance.

Not all feedback is going to be good or useful. Trust yourself to know what your work needs to be. That said, if people are giving similar feedback, i.e., X is too vague or I didn't follow Y very well, that should be taken into account. If you're ok with it, fine, but it is likely pointing to a structural issue in the plot.

Not everyone is going to like what you write. It doesn't detract or lessen the value of your work.

Don't read the reviews especially the Goodreads reviews (for published stuff, fanfiction is different of course)

Rules for Writing exist, sure, and they can be helpful, but also feel free to ignore. Begin sentences with 'and' and 'but' etc. etc.

---

Thank you for the ask!! :D :D

Why Uzui Tengen (Rewritten) has a twin sister

(and other aspects of his character that I added or otherwise removed! This is just me putting out my own thoughts while writing Tengen)

Honestly, when I first started this, I didn’t really understand what made Tengen so compelling to viewers. Even in the first iterations of this rewrite I just didn’t care about him much if at all. Maybe it was his personality being so different from the other Pillars? Maybe it was all the weird questionable shit that Gotouge added in when it would’ve been better to just not have it at all? Maybe his inner conflict in his own arc doesn’t feel as fleshed out as other characters? A combination of all three?

I really took the time to examine his canon characteristics, decided most of it was bullshit or ill fitting, and essentially gave him the Rewrite Zenitsu treatment where he’s more a decent person than comedic relief (I really should talk about Zenitsu, huh?). Basically everything that is revealed about his character in Rewrite RLD contributes to some aspect of his deeper motives and philosophies, from him obsessing and being very defensive over his looks to joking about his tits, all of it.

Then there is his twin sister who I created for a multitude of reasons. I always felt like his tragedy regarding his past as a shinobi was rather flat and uninteresting, and his narrative connection to Gyutaro and Daki doesn’t even exist. Tenten kills two birds with one stone, with the addition of also offering a motivation for Tengen to become a Demon Slayer. Honestly one of my best literary decisions.

Tenten as a character is openly brash and rebellious, always one to challenge the status quo and the traditions that their family see as law. If it weren’t for her, Tengen easily could have just been another selfish ninja succumbing to the harsh and sexist practices of his clan. She is practically instrumental to his current worldview and his more obvious motivation in leaving the clan for good. Yes, Tengen already breaks so many societal ideas and norms in more ways than one, but she’s a factor in many of them.

Like makeup.

Tengen’s relationship with makeup and his appearance in general has always been a major source of internal conflict. Makeup is typically associated with femininity (no duh), and his identity as a trans man, even when he didn’t realize he was trans yet, very much conflicted with those ideas. But, when Tenten and him actively started to present themselves more flamboyantly as a “fuck you” to their clan’s traditional principles, he began rethinking his relationship to makeup as not a way to enforce femininity but a tool for self-expression. I find it quite significant that he wore the same flashy style of eyeliner, eyeshadow, and lipstick in the present day, almost as a nostalgic callback to his first journey into gender nonconformity with his sister.

It’s more than just makeup; its a major part of who he is. Really recontextualizes those scenes where Gyutaro and Tengen’s parents either tell him he would look better without it or pester him in cleaning it off respectively, don’t you think? (I’m sure Gyutaro didn’t mean to offend him since he’s got his own complicated relationship with his appearance, that’ll be for another post though.)

He became comfortable and proud of his own identity because of Tenten, so its really no wonder why hes so obsessed in trying to find her again. It’s not just the promise of them being “those permanently single white haired bitches.” It’s SO much more.

For the Fanfic Writer Ask Meme: A, M, U

A: Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

Obviously the arranged marriage AU, which is unfair answer because its the one that isnt published and also not even finished since i decided to rewrite some parts. But it is what it is, i could tell from the moment i finished the first draft that it was something really special and a level above my other stuff. I'm not sure i can put my finger on exactly why, it has a lot of emotion but its still self-indulgent and sex and messy like my other stuff, its not particularly serious or high-brow. But still i think its better, and i tried to think of a fic to say here that was published but none really seem to be a worthy comparison. All i wanted when i finished it at the time was to write more and see if i could keep that level up

M: What’s the weirdest AU scenario you’ve ever come up with? Did it turn into a story?

Though one, i have so many aus in my mind i dont keep track with most of them. I'd say the weirdest kinky ones i have never became stories, nope. And i felt they were all a bit too much for the fandom, that tends to skew 'fluffy' and 'simple' and it was kinda hard to find motivation for my more out-there ideas when i knew wouldn't be anyone's cup of tea. I make aus for myself but when i wrote i wanted to share, so if there was no one to read i saw no reason to not just keep daydreaming about it for zero effort.

But not keep it too vague, the least weird one i had was an among us au…. yes. But going for the space-horror route and mosterfuck shenanigans. The other ones need too many words to explain so you'll have to die wondering.

As for non-kinky im sure i'm simply not remembering weirder ones. But one recent i had was when i came up with an entire plot for an addams family au fic and i was like………. yep they're not ready for it, scrap it. Keep it in the cozy corner of my mind.

U: Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet.

Hmmm not really? For me to write i needed to be high-key OBSESSED otherwise i wouldn't even have scenarios to try. And it needs to be a long-ish term obsession, which i also havent gotten in a while. But to not leave this blank i think the closest i got to this in my memory was when i was in the capri fandom i wanted to write something for Jord/Aimeiric because i couldnt stand the slander they got in the fandom (everyone wanting to pair jord in the background of fics (not even jord-centric fics just yk lamen fic where he was just stadning there) with men he didnt even interact with even in aus where aimeric was aliveeeeeee PISSED ME OFF) and i wanted to do it JUSTICE but i never did and my carpi phase is gone so i can only hope someone after me did the justice eventually

Here is my diary entry for the new year. Later I want to make a post of my ten favorite songs and reasons behind them. But for now here's my year.

I started this year off strong with the 2nd worst existential crisis I've had within the past 5 years of my life. Very depressed and lonely all throughout winter, but it was somewhat okay because I was anonymous in my apartment and didn't have anyone constantly judging me (compared to now). I definitely was afflicted with the trans fever, probs as a result of new discovery, and kinda made it my thing for all those months. Anthony made me food every night and we always hung out together. I entertained the notion of going to Oregon for school but changed my mind once I found out how much it costed. then I wanted to do van life, and I still have that commitment. Tbh, I still have trans fever, but it's less about ftm than it is just hating being a girl. I got really into cosplay and watched new shows like Monster and Fullmetal Alchemist. And I also rewatched Attack on Titan and gained a new love for indian food. That winter was the coldest and snowiest yet. I finished my final draft of my book, Sharper than Silver, but decided I want to rewrite the whole thing before I decide to query it. In its stead, I started writing a long fic for Bungou Stray Dogs, which I am still continuing to this day (80,000 words so far).

Then I moved back home and was immediately not just depressed, but in despair. It was a severe adjustment to go from living on my own for two years straight to living with my parents and family. It was a really rough start with fights with my sister and arguments about getting high with emily and drinking alone.... womp womp bad decisions but i had already decided that summer would be my alcoholic arc!!!!!! it low key helped me cause now I don't super like drinking anymore unless it's worth it. anyway-- I saw taylor swift, dyed my hair ginger, cut my bangs, cosplayed Chuuya, got high with bonnie, got violently high with emily, binged markiplier fnaf and Unus Annus, hung out with emily jensen, and ummm. yeah. I did spend a lot of time outside too- specifically the forest behind our house. I visited anthony one week and that was a fr relief, esp because it was an impulse thing after a fight with Hailey. I actually thing I booked it after that crazy argument with my mom where she threatened to stop funding my college. any fucking way . summer came and went. Through it all, my hatred only grew. That summer was very bitter, I think...

Then me and mom drove back to school and thus starts that ordeal. The road trip was good but boring. i met my roommates, and at first it was fine because i was a victim of the "freshmen friendgroup." I had a brief partying phase but quickly came to realize that my roommates are shallow and easily leave people out if you don't follow them like a lost dog. Then three more girls moved in with us and I slowly drifted away from all of them. Classes were also really boring. I ghosted a girl who was low key obsessed with me. I went on a road trip to southern Utah with my dad and saw the eclipse and it was low key miserable but I'm glad he got to make those memories. Emily flew to Utah and we went to the convention together and the salt flats and logan and it was so fun :) but Sam was so cruel to her for it and I really started to hate him then. Anthony was sweet than sweet to me throughout the semester, but halfway through we decided to stop eating dinner together because we were spending an obscene amount of money of food. This was when I started my "diet," which is actually a wannabe eating disorder. I lost 7-10 pounds from it. I'm actually super proud of myself for it. But amidst these things was a growing hatred for my roommates, who I still can't stand. I tried in vain to sell my lease and move apartments, but no one offered to buy it so I got stuck there. Then I left for Christmas break and me and Anthony went to NY with the fam and then I went home home.

And that was my year. It didn't seem like I did that much, but it genuinely feels like it's been an eternity since last January. I've changed so much. I think I've gotten... not more sure of myself, but more comfortable with being uncertain. I also grew the balls to actually put in the work and lose weight. and I am more comfortable with my gender, whatever it may be, and don't burst into tears when I get drunk and think about it too hard. And this whole year was the year of Taylor Swift, Ginger Hair, Bangs, Pale Skin, and writing, writing, writing. So much more has happened and there have been so many more changes, but that is all I can think to include in this post.

What's the plot ?

"Seortel's long awaited spring. The kingdom's secret, who'd been buried to oblivion, is blossoming as the legend's profecy warned."

•◇•

"No one expected the return lost prince be tied to the Golden Sun tale, nor for it to happen ever.

And neither did we.

Well, thanks to Prince Issahn's prison-break plan, we're on the run from our kingdom's entire army force. We're making our way to my brother and the remaining Choi crew members since Leenho must have found his way back to them, surly. At least that's what we're betting this suicidal escape on.

The crown prince isn't one to put his friends, or anyone, in such a reckless situation, but many of our lives are at risk by staying cature in the castle. Then again, Issahn's not losing sight of his brother again, not this time."

‐------------------------

So, what is this last arc all about ?

I think their fun quiet-comfy-found-family days are coming to an end. Its the start of them facing their looming destiny.

From this point on, they all now know leenho's real identity, as the lost prince, and are hyper aware about the king's seemingly irrational goal of getting rid of him. It does take a little more piecing together, but they start to understand that that legend about the golden heir might be the reason behind it.

Their recent confrontation with the king just highlighted how unatural leenho's abilities are. Leenho has some kind of magic, that's for sure.

So that's what the 3rd arc is about : Leenho's fated tale

•◇•

I won't hold back for spoilers since... who cares, but that's just the start of it all. Ur supposed to feel like this fight with the king is their conclusion, all this story was leading up to and what leenho's tale warned about. That's because that's how the characters feel.

Idk yet how they defeat the king, nor what happens to his associates, because that's not the big challenge the legend spoke of. That fight will scar lino and feel like his whole life was leading up to this, but it will feel underwhelming.

He's greatly affected by it and he did finally founds his way home, safe and surrounded by love. But... it's feels... unfinished. He feels odd, out of place.

The life of Prince isn't really what Leenho thought his life's purpose was tied to. He never strived to lead or manage the political matters of a kingdom like both his brothers. Well, he wasn't really trained for it either.

Is becoming a knight really what his life led up to? Looking back on it now, maybe it wasn't the profession Leenho longued for, but his destiny as the golden heir. So what now...

It is pretty human for our goals and dreams to change as we learn more about ourselves. But it does feel scary and empty.

•◇•

Leenho's not the only one experiencing a self-worth/identity crisis. I'd say, appart from seo and jeong, none of them (skz) are ok hh and that's just cuse idk yet what's up with those two at this point of the story.

But the 2 most notable kids loosing their sense of self are his 2 youngest siblings : Jin & Lix

‐------------------------

Well, at least, thats what i think it's gonna look like for now. I never planned to write that part, im not good at imagining adventure and action plots.

This story was supposed to end at the 1st arc. The last scene of that arc is literally the only reason i started this whole obsession in the first place. I just wanted to rewrite a rapunzel minsung fic that was unfinished, and that didn't do it exactly as i wanted it to.

Then i guess i drifted from rapunzel to wtv this complicated mess is. Even after deciding it's not just a rapunzel AU anymore, i still was just planning to write up until the actual action. It's just a prelude, a prequel to the story it leads up to.

But here i am. Not because im bored and want to continue to story, not because i have time to add even more, and neither because i completed the prequel. I didn't. I didn't finish a single arc, and here i am already talking about the final one.

Honestly, nothing about this arc is set in stone yet. It's all very experimental, but i feel like to be able to write the previous 2 arcs, i need to kinda know where im going with the characters, so this story feels more interlinked and satisfying.

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hi moss it's tinynap for the wip ask game there's multiple i wanna know about feel free to answer one of them or multiple !

karl gets abducted by aliens yay

punznap pog

karlnap chapstick

@tinynap hi jo you have chosen well 2 of these are karlnap. but fair warning one of them is probably the weirdest one kink-wise out of all of them (its the alien one)

karl gets abducted by aliens yay: fair warning this one is kind of weird and insane and only exists because i wanted to write oviposition with karl so i was like fuck it. aliens. but then i also kind of made it more insane and gave him a pussy for no reason. we'll get there. (also uhhh tws for nonconsensual body modification and sex. because aliens)

i am so bad at summarizing things this is like the third time trying to write this out bc i kept including too much detail retelling it so i'm just gonna try and go quick. karl gets abducted by aliens and afterwards discovers that his balls are gone and been replaced by a vagina. he fingers himself to make sure it's like. real and functional. and then calls sapnap because he wants to talk to someone about it who won't judge him for being crazy. they end up masturbating on call together (they have a sort of flirting situationship that both of them vaguely acknowledge but neither have really acted on). a few days pass and he gets abducted again and an alien with a tentacle dick puts a bunch of eggs in him. he calls sapnap again and they hatch a scheme where sapnap goes to nc and they pretend karl is sick and sapnap is taking care of him, in the hopes that no one will come check on them and see karl's alien pregnancy belly. that's about as far as i've actually written but i am planning on writing karl getting abducted at least one more time to y'know like. lay the eggs/give birth. and then it somehow ends in endgame karlnap👍 sorry for having weird kinks do you still love me (joke. i do not care) also fun fact i started writing this before sapnap said he wanted to fuck an alien so now i'm thinking i have to go back and write him as being more jealous of karl getting abducted lmao

punznap pog: this one's omegaverse yippee. (pre-gnf in florida) sapnap and dream have developed a sort of friends with benefits thing because dream helps sapnap with his heats, but then uh oh, dream goes on a trip to visit family and sapnap goes into heat while he's gone. because he's so used to having an alpha during his heats he's having a hard time dealing with it, so as a last resort desperate attempt kinda thing he texts punz like "hey sorry if this is weird but if i don't get dicked down soon i feel like i'm gonna explode" and to sapnap's surprise he actually agrees to come help him out! idk they fuck a bunch and punz calls him baby a lot it's cute

karlnap chapstick: ok looking back i maybe shouldn't have included this one because i forgot how short it is and i might just rewrite the parts i already have if i ever came back to it but i still think the concept is cute so. sapnap has already thought about kissing karl, but becomes a bit obsessed with it, and tasting karl's chapstick, after he sees him applying it before a stream one day. the one little tidbit of a scene i have written involves sapnap stealing karl's chapstick while he's out of the room so he can taste it on his lips, and that's kinda as far as i got. they do kiss eventually tho (like i said i maybe would've not put this one on the list now that i'm actually looking at it like it's a bit nothingburger. like i'm pretty sure i have bullet points in my big idea document that are longer than this adfjasf whatever still kinda cute i guess)