i am not in a good mood

AITA for bad-mouthing my boyfriend’s toxic family?

(🐈‍⬛ For me to recognize my post later)

I (20f) have a boyfriend (21m) who is physically disabled and still currently living at home with his parents for a while as he tries to scrape his savings together to move in with me. This wouldn’t be an issue, if his parents weren’t immensely transphobic (he’s trans) and outright abusive towards him. Despite having an official doctor’s diagnosis for ALL of his issues, both mental and physical, they just?? Like to pretend that he’s completely able-bodied, and that he’s making up his issues “for attention” (<- something that they’ve actually said to him)

My bf isn’t ready to leave the house just yet because he doesn’t want to feel like a burden and wants to be able to support himself without my help, despite my constant offering and support, but this ofc just means that he’s STAYING in that house, and it’s clear that it effects him really negatively. He’s improved a lot since I’ve met him in high school, but him being in that house is just. Awful for his health, his self esteem, literally everything. I guess I understand his reasonings for not leaving (he’s on his parents’ health insurance, his dad’s a vet so he gets a ton of money off his college bill, he’s got a little sister at home that he doesn’t want to leave alone, etc etc), but at the same time, I fucking HATE his parents, more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. He’s such an amazing guy, but I’ve seen him reduced to panic attacks just on their words alone, and it’s awful and I hate them.

I’m also very vocal with this hate. I tell him all the time. Whenever he vents to me, or mentions something awful that his parents have/had done in passing, or tries to excuse their behavior, I will tell him point-blank that I hate his parents and that he needs to leave. He gets incredibly upset whenever I say stuff like that, however, and has asked me multiple times to quit it, but it’s just so hard to see him loving them so fiercely when they literally only give him the bare minimum in return.

The reason for this post at all is because I started going off on a tangent about two days ago when he managed to escape (he has to ask for permission every time he wants to go out) to my place to destress and have a small date night, and I specifically asked him how his parents had been treating him recently because he’d been pretty quiet about it. He got really quiet and eventually told me that they keep adding really weird stuff to do for his household responsibilities (ex: dusting the UNDERSIDE of tables??) and that they’re now threatening to take away the things he loves (his phone, his books, his DOOR) if he doesn’t keep up with the new workload, which is especially hard because, again, he’s DISABLED. Well this pissed me off, because they’ve done shit like that in the past and it never ends well for him, and I started talking about how much his parents suck and how I wish he would just leave, and he got really quiet and just said “I think I’m just gonna leave now” and just. Left

In the aftermath, I feel awful about it. We’ve texted a few times since then, and he says that he’s okay and that it was fine, and how he just needs to get over it, but it’s very clear that he’s still upset by it and just trying not to make it a big issue. I know that he hates it when I badmouth his parents, but I genuinely do not know any other way to get it into his head that he needs to leave as soon as possible, if only to save his own health. I love him so so much, we’ve been together since high school, we would die for each other, and we’ve been through so much that not very many couples have had to go through, especially not at our age. I sincerely just want the best for him, and this feels like I could open the topic again and try to make him SEE, but I’m just worried that I might have upset him this time in a way that he might not be able to get over.

Sorry for this getting so long, I just feel very strongly about it and I want to know if I’m the AH here and should lay off, or keep trying to make him see that he just needs to get out as soon as possible. So tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

Percy Weasley & the Weasley's Homophobia/Transphobia

I wrote about Percy having Oldest Daughter Syndrome in this post, but that got me thinking, and I realized something - out of all the Weasley siblings, Percy is the only one that doesn't fit into gender norms.

So I started going back and rereading to double check, and I was blown away by just how many traditionally feminine traits Percy has in the books that I didn't notice the first time I read them! 😱

It has me wondering if that was subconsciously - or purposely - a major contributor of why the Weasley children disliked Percy so much (given how homophobic/transphobic the Wizarding World is in general).

The Basics/Personality Traits

Percy doesn't play Quidditch (i.e. sports).

He enjoys Divination - a subject that is seen as silly by the popular characters & only people like Lavender and Parvati (i.e. "dumb" girls) enjoy it.

He's not great at chess: "He [Harry] suspected he wouldn’t have lost so badly if Percy hadn’t tried to help him so much." According to many studies, there is a stereotype that boys are better at playing chess than girls.

Percy is more organized and clean: ""Ron hasn't put all his new things in his trunk yet," said Percy, in a long-suffering voice. "He's dumped them on my bed."" This is a common stereotype for women, while men tend to be thought of as messier.

Descriptions/Word Choice

Percy is said to be, "fussy about rule-breaking and fond of bossing everyone around." Fussy and bossy are both sexist phrases that are commonly used to describe women who aren't accommodating enough.

Book 2 said, "Percy swelled in a manner that reminded Harry forcefully of Mrs. Weasley. “Get — away — from — there —” Percy said, striding toward them and starting to bustle them along, flapping his arms." It's not a coincidence that the other Weasley brothers are never compared to their mother.

In Book 4, it stated, "“Mr. Crouch!” said Percy breathlessly, sunk into a kind of halfbow that made him look like a hunchback. “Would you like a cup of tea?”" He is portrayed as being quite submissive and eager to please in his job (traits traditionally used to describe the ideal woman, particularly in the religious sectors).

Later in Book 4, there's this conversation: "“Maybe Percy’s poisoning him,” said Ron. “Probably thinks if Crouch snuffs it he’ll be made head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation.”" Poisoning is most often done by women, whereas men tend to kill someone in more aggressive ways.

His Job

Percy worked as an assistant/secretary to Mr. Crouch and then for the Minister of Magic - both of which are considered "women's jobs." This dates back to the Industrial Revolution, when more than 1.7 million women began working in this career, and it is still predominantly held by women (who make up almost 90% of secretaries and assistants).

Even his research was feminine:

“What are you working on?” said Harry. “A report for the Department of International Magical Cooperation,” said Percy smugly. “We’re trying to standardize cauldron thickness.

Cauldrons are generally associated with women because they were also used for cooking, and in paintings, it is almost always witches (women) depicted with cauldrons.

Then, there's this:

“I don’t reckon he’d come home if Dad didn’t make him. He’s obsessed. Just don’t get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch . . . as I was saying to Mr. Crouch . . . Mr. Crouch is of the opinion . . . Mr. Crouch was telling me . . . They’ll be announcing their engagement any day now.”

A secretary falling in love with their boss and becoming obsessed... hmm, where have I heard this stereotype before? 🙄

Discipline

A research study on parental discipline found that, "“When it comes to disciplining the kids, there’s been a role reversal in the modern home,” the study concluded, with moms being more consistent in discipline than dads. The researchers found that dads are no longer the strict disciplinarians that they were in the ’50s and ’60s, and are more likely to let children get away with wrong behavior and less likely to talk through discipline issues with the kids.""

We certainly see that dynamic in the Weasley household with Molly & Arthur, and we continue that trend with most of the Weasley sons - Bill & Charlie definitely aren't disciplining anyone; they're the cool, "chill" brothers who contribute to the problem by smashing tables around in the air for fun.

Percy is the only one who disciplines the younger kids - especially at school and in the role of a prefect:

“Five points from Gryffindor!” Percy said tersely, fingering his prefect badge. “And I hope it teaches you a lesson! No more detective work, or I’ll write to Mum!”

&

Fred and George were going the wrong way about cheering her up. They were taking turns covering themselves with fur or boils and jumping out at her from behind statues. They only stopped when Percy, apoplectic with rage, told them he was going to write to Mrs. Weasley and tell her Ginny was having nightmares.

Lack of Humor

“Yeah, well, Percy wouldn’t want to work for anyone with a sense of humor, would he?” said Ron, now starting on a chocolate eclair. “Percy wouldn’t recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tea cozy.”

It is repeated regularly throughout the books that Percy isn't funny and can't take a joke, which correlates to the sexist idea that women aren't funny (or that men are much funnier).

Mother-Hen Tendencies

Percy has so many instances of looking out for his siblings (or noticing when something is wrong) and worrying about them (i.e. fussing over them):

Her Pepperup potion worked instantly, though it left the drinker smoking at the ears for several hours afterward. Ginny Weasley, who had been looking pale, was bullied into taking some by Percy.

&

Dear Tom, Percy keeps telling me I’m pale and I’m not myself. I think he suspects me…

& After the Second Task in Book 4:

Percy seized Ron and was dragging him back to the bank (“Gerroff, Percy, I’m all right!”)

Compare this to Fleur's reaction only a few sentences later:

Fleur had broken free of Madame Maxime and was hugging her sister.

(In fact, Percy & Fleur share a lot of characteristics, but that's a topic for a different time.)

Relationships

Percy had a girlfriend, but he still broke the gender norms by writing love letters to her all summer and keeping a photograph of her. This type of romantic personality isn't stereotypically common of most teenage boys (especially in these books), but it is common of characters like Lavender, who bought Ron a gold necklace (and Ron was appalled at the idea of wearing it).

His Brothers

To compare, the only other Weasley brother who shows any traditionally feminine traits is Bill with his long hair (and I guess his one earring, but that became very popular among guys during the 80's/90's). This is a physical characteristic as opposed to an emotional/behavioral one, and Bill doesn't get any negative reaction, because he is masculine in every other way - He had a dangerous, exciting job for many years; he has a career working with money (74% of people working in finance are men); he married a much younger, attractive woman (think about Leonardo DiCaprio not dating women over the age of 25); and he had a completely heteronormative marriage.

To Summarize

Percy has an abundance of traditionally feminine characteristics in the books, as opposed to his brothers, who definitely do not. Given how society is in the Wizarding World, it is very likely that this contributed to his strained relationship with his family. 😥

I've been thinking a lot about Phoenix's family, and I got carried away so I'm going to put the whole essay below the cut, I'm so normal about him

I'm sorry there's just no way that Phoenix has any sort of normal family situation, not just because they're never mentioned even in passing as he goes through extremely major life events, but also because of how he is as a person. You cannot convince me that the guy who fell head over heels for Dahlia two seconds after meeting her had any sort of reliable support system in his life. When she got arrested the only person he could think about was a guy he hadn't seen since they were both nine instead of any current person who would likely care that he almost got poisoned and arrested for murder.

While I think it would be nice if he had lesbian moms who loved him, it just doesn't quite fit in with what we know about Phoenix. I mean, even in the WAA/WTA the only photograph on display is Zak's, and if there isn't a better person to put on the wall than the biological father of his daughter who abandoned her, that's pretty sad. (though I personally like to think that his portrait was there specifically as a target for things like darts and throwing knives). Plus, we already know from the thing with Dahlia that Phoenix's primary way of dealing with trauma and abusive people is just to pretend nothing happened and force himself to forget about them.

That's not even mentioning this guy's abandonment issues and complete willingness to adopt anyone he finds into his found family with zero hesitation. He meets Ema once for a few days, someone he has no personal connection to, but because she reminded him of Maya he stays in contact with her at some capacity to the point that he keeps her investigative tools with him and can have his name be used to gain her favor. Also, there's that new years art where she gets drunk with the Wright's and Apollo. And there are several more young adults/teenagers like that, he's got that foster kid to foster dad energy.

What I think makes the most sense is either that he was given up for adoption/ was an orphan in the foster care system who was passed around a lot, never getting too attached to one family, which led to his abandonment issues, or that he had a normal family life until something happened that estranged them from him. As a staunch believer in Transmasc Phoenix my thoughts are that he had transphobic parents so when he left for university he cut them off and changed his full name which explains why he is so desperate for emotional connection at that time. He suddenly has no one but a dream to find Miles and a girlfriend whose red flags he's completely blind to.

But honestly, there are so many reasons that people could come up with that would also make sense for his character. Maybe they were emotionally abusive and since everyone around him has dead or horrifically bad parents he's just not going to ever bring it up because who is he to complain when his besties are Maya Fey and Miles Edgeworth. Maybe they were just absent a lot and he had to take care of himself (and perhaps younger siblings) until he just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe they just tried to get him a girlfriend to settle down with one too many times and he just refuses to visit them, not even on holidays like Christmas or new years. It's just fascinating to me that there's absolutely nothing about them, I think there was even one of those little (official?) comics that poked fun at the fact that he doesn't really have parents, he may not even know who they are.

I also stand behind all of the ideas from my Phoenix Family HCs Poll because all of them would be so fun to explore even if some of them are total crack HCs. Tigre is only 16 years older than Phoenix but you can't say it's not possible that he messed around in high school and his girlfriend just gave up the kid for adoption and it would be so funny if Phoenix had to put his own father into prison after he pretended to be him.

In my Fem!Phoenix AU where I'm planning on expounding upon her relationship with the Feys and her own spiritual power (Phoenix does canonically talk to ghosts sometimes), the spirit of Ryunosuke found her and kind of became her imaginary friend who appears sometimes because I love him.

Even the idea of the goddess of law making him as an indestructible little terror on the legal system would be fascinating to expand upon. I would love to read about the whole concept of law being turned into a kind of religion, is she a single omniscient god (is she single?) or is she part of a larger pantheon? What would that mean for Phoenix?

I just can't even fathom that there's something normal going on with Phoenix and his family, I think he should pull an Apollo and secretly have the most batshit family backstory. Just looking at this guy and you know he has some kinds of issues, he was an art/theater major, he's got to be a little bit of that flavor of fucked up.

i have a sticker on my phone thats says "im gay! Thats ok!" & my (ally) grandma who sees me daily only just saw this a couple days ago??

Anyway now she keeps trying to hang out but i just dont want to cause 1 itd be awkward cause i think *think* she told anyone, 2 its been a long week for multiple reasons. I just wanna chill w/ my dad cause i only see him on weekends & i dont want to do anything else rn but ~chill~. And ontop of that she prob thinks im a lesbian- I'm a transmasc aroace w/ tertiary attraction. So thats 1 way off, 2 giving me dysphoria for the 1st time in forever which im not used to cause i generally just dont care 3 MAKES ME REALLY UNCOMFY thinking that my grandma is thinking about my non-existant love life.

On top of that fuck to the no on coming out as trans lol, both parents have said transphobic things, I dont wanna deal w/ that rn, & i doubt they'd like, kick me out but but still; fuck no. And i dont wanna have to deal with the aroace shit. Both my parents prob know im genrally queer but i dont want to have to explain the aroace stuff just cause we dont talk like that & it'd be awkward.

I care about them but im trying to get to the point where i dont, like i cared about my grandma for a few days, & i do cause she has ALL THE CARDS IN THIS SITUATION. but hers & anyone elses opinions on me as a person? About 90% of the time i couldnt care less cause why care?? Or at least i convince myself not to care cause its too much trouble having a 5 hour long panic attack (me the other day lol)

Anyway that was my rant thank you so much if u read this all sorry if its incoherent its pretty fresh

i'm so sorry that's a terrible situation! i hope it's all worked out for the best! you never have to come out if you don't want!

Oh yeah one more thing worth elaborating on I think, what happens if you view behaviours and actions of system members through the lens of a child? Not to baby them or talk down to them or dismiss them, but simply "if a 7 year old child was doing this, why would they be doing it? What would be going through their mind? How would they feel and what would they think about what they're doing?"

Tw for abuse, CSA, and COCSA

I don't think there's really any action an adult is capable of that a child isn't also capable of doing. Children can steal, they can lie, they can commit arson, they can say racist and homophobic or transphobic slurs, they can torture animals or other children, they can kill, and they can commit sexual assaults. Hell, give them a chance and they'd commit tax and election fraud in a heartbeat.

I think most people understand, though, that these kind of behaviours don't just appear spontaneously, they're in response to something. Something has happened to them or is happening to them that they're mimicking or feelings that they don't know how or are unable to express are manifesting in specific ways and that intervention can be vital during this developmental period to ensure that things don't carry on into adulthood when embedded beliefs are much harder to undo, not least of all because adults are afforded much less grace.

DID is a developmental disorder, the response to traumatic events that wall off parts of our Psyche to protect them disrupt our psychological development in different ways to different degrees across the entire brain. We all have a basic understanding of what a little or child part is supposed to be and why they're the way they are, and understand how a fragment can be perpetual trapped in trauma time reliving events over and over again, but I think very few of us realise the true extent of this developmental disturbance and how it can affect the entire system.

To get personal and detailed, when I was 11 or 12 my mother was addicted to coke and having an affair with her dealer. My dad was having some kind of midlife crisis and joined a band of 18-25 year olds and kept bringing their friends of the same age to our house for house parties where everyone would get drunk and high and play loud music till the early hours of the morning on school nights. When my parents would viciously and violently argue, they would burst into my room to guilt trip the other about how they were upsetting me or try to use me as a shield hoping the other wouldn't do something in front of me, to no avail.

No one was looking after me or my brother, no one was protecting me, no one was being a parent for me. So I became my own parent, because I needed to be. I created an adult protector part to be my parents when my parents weren't my parents. Just one problem though, what's the template that I used to do that? Who could I base this part on? What were my available resources? I couldn't just spawn a magically perfect parent from another universe, I had to use my parents. The protectors that I made at that age, and still have, are my 11 year old brains interpretation of what a parent is supposed to be, and the only version of a parent that I had are my own. It may have been an idealised version that used more of their good traits than their bad, but could never be absent of the bad.

When I was being abused or sexually assaulted as a teenager and needed to create female alters that it happened to because "this doesn't happen to boys, it happens to girls" the girls I created are my teenage brains interpretation of what a girl supposed to be, and i went to an all boys school so you can imagine how much exposure i had to them and the problems that creates to this day.

Some parts might commit violent acts because they're angry and at the time they were made that's what our younger mind thought people did when they were angry, others might think that what they're doing is how you show love because that's what the people who should have loved us did to us, others might do things or believe things because those are the opposite actions or beliefs of what we did or had at the time of abuse and we thought not being that could save us.

Regardless of what it is, there's always a logic to the manifestation of parts no matter how convoluted or nonsensical it may seem, and at the very least asking "why might a 7 year old brain think this made sense?" can provide a way in to meet them where they are and afford them the grace you may have been denied at the time that you made them

my parents are extremely transphobic and very shitty Christian conservatives

they’re always very transphobid and my moms being transphobic again I told her I don’t care what she thinks just keep it to herself and she literally fucking said “I don’t see gender” BRO WHAT

she’s been popping off about how I’m so lucky she has someone accepting like her and how I’m so lucky she accepted me as a tomboy(literally misgendering me) and on about how it’s so hard for lesbians these days(I’m not a fuckin lesbian???) and she’s gave me a terf book let people harass sexually assault and almost kill me she’s let people steal from me to and keeps me in schools where if I get outed (again) the kids would beat me and those kids threatened/joke?? About sell trans kids organs on the black market organs like internal and penises boobs etc for YEARS *YEARS* the only reason she doesn’t deadname me and she let me buy a binder was because I bribed her and I made her look bad for being transphobic because I kept telling adults and doctors how she screamed at me and even then she still doesn’t even call me he she calls me they it and kid and after I did this she said I’m the reason she wants to kill herself run away and divorce dad and I’m ruining their marriage and I was always trying to ruin her marriage I was thirteen when she said that btw like HUH which she still does and says all this btw she just fakes acceptance until she gets mad at me which happens so fucking often like every day oh she also threatens to beat me like all the time and she used to hit me a lot as punishment until it “stopped working” basically I just stopped reacting and crying when she did and that meant I “grew out of it”

now I tell her to just keep it to herself and leave me alone and she hits me with the “I don’t see gender actually🥺” and she kept saying how “not that YOU care or even want to know but” that her job is is full of people who taught her to “not see gender” and then proceeded to brag about how amazing she is for fifteen minties

like oh yeah she’s not transphobic she works with accepting people so it’s ok!!!i fucking hate this dads just as bad just more quiet and less minipulative and less weirdly sexuallly like nosy I guess god I didn’t even mention that she’s so nasty and nosy about shit it’s like violating

Hey kiddo, I'm so so sorry your parents are being so horrible right now. All I can promise is that things will get better- you'll be able to leave and there's always people and adults who actually care about you. I'm really proud of you and who you are, I'm proud of you for being so amazing and keeping going despite your situation and I am so sorry.

You don't deserve to be treated so horribly and if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

- dad x

Coming up on 3 months since cracking. It's still, like, a week away, but honestly, close enough and I wanna write this post now. Not much is gonna change in that time anyway.

The main thing I wanna note is like, the SIGNIFICANT mental changes. There is a name. I have never uttered that name out loud. Noone knows the name IRL. Noone has used that name for me online. Nothing.

...But If I, just quickly, imagine someone calling my name, or getting my attention, that's the name they're saying. If I quickly imagine someone referring to me in third person, I'm she.

And I think of these same things with my current name and it just doesn't quite feel right, or the same anymore.

People always talk about the infamous "I'm a girl" dreams. and I've started getting, like, 3 a week? Or atleast 3 where I'm, to some extent, trans. Like, even if I wasn't quite a girl yet, I had a dream that included picking up an estrogen prescription.

And all this, after 3 months, while deep closeted and unable to do anything about transitioning.

And, for my own sanity, I've had to find things to appreciate during this time. I can't spend the next year and a half avoiding acknowledging myself and what I look like. So I've atleast started to appreciate the little things. If I look closely at my eyes and ignore the rest of my face, I feel happy. idk, there's just something about my eyes in isolation that feel different to the rest of my face somehow, idk what it is but they feel more feminine, if that makes any sense.

And then there's my hair. Look, I have really short hair. Pretty average hair length for a guy. But my parents have been incredibly militant with keeping my hair very short for, well, as long as I can remember, until recently when my Dad abruptly asked if I wanted to grow it out (unbelievably convenient, he's transphobic and hss no idea about me. We take those I guess?)

But now, even the slightest bit longer hair feels great to me. Those little bits that grow down infront of your ears? Love it. Never had that be that long before. My hair ain't much, but its alot to me. And its only gonna get longer and longer, better and better.

And, look, this one sounds weird, but thighs. The way the fat squishes and flattens out when I sit down. I am a very skinny person, to the extent that my thighs are probably the fattest part of me relative to the body part. They aren't that thick, but relative to the rest of my body, it's enough to make me really happy. One time I was reading something about a lil deep-closet trick of wearing a long shirt and a shorter/ rolled up hoodie, and I kinda like it. Doing that, while sat down causing my thighs to squish slightly just looks so right.

(I was strongly debating whether to actually include this section. I doubt this would ever be the case, but just in case, don't be weird about it?)

I'm not gonna keep commenting on dysphoria increasing. I've kinda figured that's just par for the course. My general mood has decreased, I just don't feel good, but I'm not actually in that bad of a place mentally. I'm feeling optimistic, a solution to my problems is out there and I am gonna make it. It's already been a quarter of a year since cracking, that's no small amount of time relative to how long I have to wait. No matter how much I feel like shit about not being able to transition yet, it's better than when I didn't know what the problem was and thought I would just find myself ending it at some point. Now I know that isn't happening.

With each day, each little daydream, every time I imagine a scenario where I'm me, I get closer to actually being me. Physical is just a wait, but mental is a gradual process that is already well underway.

Day 5 of Turning me into Me

Today was a strange one, but it was positive. Today gave me another chance to feel my own strength and stand my ground; I visited my parents.

Here's some Saphi lore to give context as to why this was an important conversation. I originally came out as trans in 2018. I was out to my dear girlfriend and a handful of others knew I had some gender fuckery going on. But I was uncertain, I had doubts, so all I could do one day was squeak out the words "I think I'm trans" to my mum. There was such a mounting pressure inside of me, and finally being able to tell them felt good, but things didn't pan out all that well. "So you're a crossdresser" my mum would bark while we were walking dogs together, "If you had come out as gay, I would've been more prepared" she added. Sure, let me just throw away my long term relationship for your comfort shall I? My dad couldn't hold conversation with me. There was a frost forming in the air between us, and then at my sister's engagement party a few days later, he couldn't even look me in the eye. Every time I reached out to him, he would dive away. I felt so alone and left early, lied to my sister that I wasn't well. Then I retreated into the closet, my transess felt surpressed. I went into such a dark period of questioning. But I came out the otherside as the lovely transwoman you have before you.

This time around, my parents and family are the last to find out. My friends all call me by my new name, I'm out to my colleagues at work, I'm my beautiful trans self everywhere, but to them. I couldn't help but think of the worst scenario when daydreaming about coming out to them. If my dad avoided me then, how would he react now when I tell him of how sure I am of my femininity? Would my mum be 'more prepared' now? In this time I've tried to lay down breadcrumbs, slowly invite them in and the responses were sometimes worrying. My sister and her husband talking about kids having their genitals cut off, my dad scrunching up his face at the word non-binary, my sister asking if I have any snowflake friends. The worst was my mum. She wasn't transphobic or bigoted, but she acted in a way that fucking hurt. She was telling me about her friend who's daughter came out as transwoman, and how every time she sees a photo of her friend and her new daughter she make sure she comments on how her daughter is so happy and confident. I wished I could've felt joy at that, that my mum was turning a page but all I could think was: "where were you when I came out".

My parents find it so hard to let me think for myself. I've not lived with them for a while now but they still feel that they can have this sway on my life. I've taken to straight up lying about seeing mental health professionals so that they'd understand how I work, as someone who is neurodivergent and has ADHD, because their own child's word about their own feelings is apparently not good enough. Every time they'd say "you know where we are if you want to talk" I TRIED. I TRIED AND YOU PUT ME AT ARMS LENGTH. Then I told them the plainest and most powerful truth, that I saw my doctor about getting a referral for the gender services. That was so HAPPY that something positive was finally happening, that I was going to be figuring myself out. But of course, we know the reality is that I already know who I am and have already figured it out. I've drip fed them what I've learned about myself, my body and gender dysmorphia from a young age, the realisation now that my mind and body didn't match. My mum is a fatphobic and she always thinks I'm going through this because I'm a big girl, but I shut her down every time.

So, with all of that in mind, I spoke to my parents. I told them that I've received confirmation that I'm on the gender services. I told them I'm joining support groups (lie) and that I'm meeting people who have similar experience as me (lie)... They were supportive... They actually hugged me and in their old way actually said that they'd support me, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing by me.

Oh I am mum and dad, and I have been for a long time.

Love, your daughter

how did you arrive at your progressive punk christianity outlook after being immersed in conservative christianity?

ooh!! good question. see I don’t really think what I was immersed in was particularly conservative—in circles I’ve been around we’ve always dissed Americans for being conservative (kinda mean I know) and my dad used to take me to climate change protests in the 2000s and I was always taught the 6 days of creation aren’t literal, the rapture isn’t real, women in stem etc. idk how it was anywhere else but the part of sydney I grew up in was just Like That, there was encouragement to give to the poor to actually end poverty and people actually did even though none of us really had heaps and I guess I wasn’t raised to be okay with entitlement but simply be kind to everyone? And I didn’t even know what conservative was until I was maybe 17 (I thought it was a style of fashion for ages and then I thought it meant conserving nature and history). It was always just Christians are meant to be genuinely kind and not have sex til you’re older and preferably married yknow?? and work hard, like the protestant work ethic was def a thing but somehow in a non ableist way as much as this is possible— I get real impatient with people bitching about stuff getting taken away from them, not realising how much they have when I probably have less and I’m usually giving away as much as I’m able and as much will put me in a state of perceived danger. It’s definitely a form of rebellion against them to see how little I can survive on which I’m working on. I also didn’t even know that so many Christians were transphobic like I thought it was only the extreme theobros. I also had a really lovely geography teacher in high school who was also a Christian and used her faith to drive environmental action, my biology teacher was a Christian and stood up for trans rights and I also had acccss to the internet to read up on clobber passages and hear peoples stories and it was always like ‘oh yeah some Christians believe different things based on how they read this stuff’ and I don’t think it was until I was old enough to actually vote and saw what propoganda was going around I really realised the power dynamic behind it, with the rise of the Australian Christian lobby which felt like it was straight out of the US. I fully thought voting was just liberals if you like fossil fuels, greens to save the environment, and labor if you’re a people pleaser and like fun little rhymes like ‘Kevin 07’ and attempting to be feminist but not really getting anything done. I actually met Martyn Iles once and was like ‘damn this guy is a fake Aussie this isn’t how we do Christianity’. I also got super burnt out by how hard and how biblically I tried to love my classmates on top of the Protestant work ethic about my schoolwork I never really cared about for myself, and was well versed in theology enough to be like HA! Grace means that we don’t have to do all that and can just do our sustainable best, still thinking my view was mainstream. I went to uni to study enviro sci at 17 and I thought my convictions to not drive unless Absolutely Necessary were driven by Christian ethics (which they were, how rigid I was with it was a pda response though). Then over the years realised very belatedly how people often didn’t validate my views and experiences and I’d expect they would (bc they were biblically rooted) and got quite hurt when they didn’t. Spent years in different volunteer ministries trying to put together the kind of community talked about in books like Philippians only to constantly be let down and feel isolated and that only driving me to work harder, despite knowing God’s grace meant I didn’t have to feeling like I couldn’t stop while my earthly needs for connection were unmet, saying yes to things I’d previously said no to because I got a sense of temporary community and belonging every time I joined a new serving team. Tried extra hard to make places inclusive and expected everyone else to be working as hard on it as I was and feel the desperation like I did and got super hurt when they didn’t, oh I guess I’ll have to do it all myself then.

I’ve always struggled with the concept of hell, tbh I heard about it way too young and never had a drop of self preservation instinct in my body only didn’t want to let God down by saying no. I’ve particularly always struggled with the whole urgency motivation like I’m trying, I’m doing the best I can, I listen to people and actually speaking the gospel into their lives in a way that hits home for them (bc I was thinking about how to do this in an empathetic and understanding and autonomy respecting way from a Very Young Age like I used to attempt to evangelise on moshi monsters to get an idea) and shit, I’m like 19 years old at this stage and I’m tired. If only I could just have one last hurrah to change places with someone so they can go to heaven instead of me? Id take it. and I basically worked myself to the point of being that suicidal and kept fucking going because God made me good at science so I can save the planet and end world hunger, and I had this conviction to contextualise (this is what we learned at afes btw) the gospel to really be real to queer folk and indigenous folk and other people of colour and marginalised people (it’s easy to see oppression with my background and my neurotype tbh) and maybe I could make myself suffer now bc God wasn’t gonna let me do that for eternity? anyway eventually left afes bc I was being so stretched and getting so isolated and the work I was doing there wasn’t achieving any of these things and I realised if I stayed I might end up dead and I wasn’t ready to go to heaven yet when my work wasn’t done. or at least so constantly dysregulated I wouldn’t be as able to be kind to others and show them the gospel.

around this time I’m also putting together a pretty comprehensive framework for how to actually solve global problems in a productive way, I’ve unpacked the pride in a lot of Christian mission projects and how they often were a feel good thing but not actually respectful or effective and I’d come up with literally hundreds of ideas for projects I could do to actually help, none of which I obviously had time for I think I was working up to 3 jobs while studying and serving in church and doing my hobbies that kept me kind of sane as well? which was discouraging to say the least, driving a kind of rageful resentment. Around that time I also discover PDA and my whole life makes sense, I start on my adhd meds which I had to jump through a million hoops to get and realise maybe I can finish uni.

a pda framework as I dive more into that and how to be actually neurodivergent affirming and actually recover from burnout long story short makes me realise how ableist much of our concept of sin and holiness really is and how much we need to destigmatise sin and stop using it as a way to intellectualise actual things happening in our brains and nervous systems and maybe we’d feel a lot less hopeless about it like it’s some big mystery if we actually did unpack the fear and threat responses and trauma behind it. Which we always say we will do but practically, church doenst give a space to do that bc you’re gonna be shamed. even for the people who are non affirming I’d be like, but isn’t it a logical step to someone who’s not yet been convicted to celibacy (if that’s something they think they should be) and realised this whole thing is unrealistic, not because the bible is wrong but because people think you can control your own brain by simply trying and trying again every time you fuck up as if that’s not gonna drive learned helplessness or actually traumatise you when you so desperately want to do better? Either that or drive you to be numb about it which I realised is what usually happens, there are certain sins people are blind to in every congregation and they’re actually intellectually unable to be convicted of that as sin because they’re stretched as far as they can go covering all other bases and being like ‘Christ covers that I didn’t Choose To Sin I’m trying not to even though it doesn’t really work’ like I’m a solutions person. if something isn’t working we’re gonna think of a new method and suddenly I understand how my brain works and those of so many others especially those who feel marginalised by the church!

and so long story short when I eventually had to quit what I was doing at church because someone cared enough to realise I hadn’t been doing well for years I was like I’m gonna follow this urge of the Spirit or simply my own head and desire for true connection I often found In exvangelical spaces and hear as many experiences as possible and use it to shape my worldview and get a bunch of hope from people who yes they’ve been marginalised but the gospel is real to them. that’s my only criteria I’m not gonna judge based on theology and I’m not ever gonna think my theological takes make anyone else wrong I’m just gonna be open to listen and shape them so there isn’t any cognitive dissonance and the grace found at the cross is real and practical and doenst have weird arbitrary limits, and I’m also gonna listen to those hurt by Christianity who some might judge as being hard hearted but I know how trauma works. and I’ve been doing that ever since, gradually getting there more and more and I think the best/funniest thing is even in more conservative spaces literally everyone I still talk to has been super encouraging of it and if we have any disagreements they’re pretty minor compared to the fact that we all believe the gospel is for everyone and we all wanna invest in social justice too (which makes me question how conservative those spaces ever were tbh). like there’s def parts of my story I won’t always tell but I feel like I come with a perspective people respect these days no matter where I am, and that’s nice in contrast to being that weird kid trying to do adult things being told either not to worry or that I don’t understand.

Look, I've been here for a while and there have been people I've become more interested in than others but you guys gotta understand

That is called hyperfixating, like, I'm not trying to get unreasonably close to punkitt or anything, I'm just hyperfixating on her work, which most autistic people tend to do, it is normal and you should only be concerned if I say something like "I'd kill for *insert content creator here*"

And about the whole edible thing, I was only concerned about punkitt's health and such, I didn't mean to sound like I was forcing my opinion down her throat or anything like that I was only trying my best to help, and if she Doesn't want my help she can tell me herself, which I'm pretty sure she has done

mind with everything I've said about my mental health, you all have to understand that there are reasons to why I feel the way I do, I am trying to work on myself, I am getting help and I'm trying to help others.

Like, my dad left when I was young, it's left a heavy mark on my mind, and my mom is transphobic, so I can't tell her who I want to be, my little brothers Don't seem to respect me at all, my god father, who I 2as super close to, died, my granddad has been in a ton of accidents, it's a miracle how he's still alive, my great granddad is really sick and he could die any day now, I lost contact with my childhood best friend and I saw my first little brother almost drown, and some people online jumping to conclusions isn't helping at all.

Over all, thank you to everyone who's been helping me and encouraging me to get better and to people who are just saying I'm a sad lazy creep, look at the bigger picture

If you don't take this half-apology half-vent to heart.... there's nothing I can do to change that but I'll be very upset

And I might just quit tumblr, idk yet

And I'm so sorry for ever hurting any one of you

AITA for moving out right before my disabled grandparents get surgeries? (TWs for transphobia, child abuse, child neglect, religious trauma, the whole works)

Alright so I (19 NB, turning 20 in January) am trying to find a place to move out of state because my grandparents (who I currently live with) and dad don’t treat me (or my 18 year old brother) the best. I don’t feel like I have a lot of freedom to do what I want, because my grandparents (76 M and 74 F) are constantly asking me to do things they can do just fine on their own and they threaten me if I don’t comply. I was also raised to never question authority which includes them, so they act like me questioning their authority or opinions is me getting into fights with them. My dad (46 M) just enables them, telling me to behave and listen to them like I’m still a kid.

In addition to all this, they’re all transphobic. As mentioned before, I’m non-binary. My dad and grandma aren’t as bad and seem to be complying with my grandpa’s views, but my grandpa is HORRIFIC. I tried to explain my identity to him once and he straight up told me he didn’t care and didn’t want an explanation.

Outside of this, my grandparents are also Mormon, which has led me to end up with some religious trauma. They blame every one of their views on their religion, and are constantly telling me I’m never gonna be happy if I don’t start going to church again (something I haven’t done since I was 13 or 14).

My dad also told me he hopes I like my “newer brother” and how he’s changed because my brother is currently training to be a medic in the US military, and just finished his basic training. Aside from this being extremely off putting to me, this isn’t the first time my dad has sorta acted like I’m his golden child.

It’s worth noting that with how I’ve been treated my entire life, I’ve picked up people pleasing tendencies and can’t even say no. If I don’t want to do something I procrastinate until someone else does it then lie and claim I was going to do it.

Now all of this might have you like “NO YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT THE ASSHOLE” but here’s where I’m questioning that.

Both of my grandparents are disabled. My grandma had a stroke back in 2010 that still affects her to this day and as a result of it her balance is messed up so she has a hard time doing things on her own. My grandpa is having a knee surgery to help alleviate his disability (although a lot of his behavior is absolutely 100% just laziness). It’s making me feel bad for even considering leaving, but I’m so sick of being treated how I am. I feel like I can’t learn to say no until I’m cut off from my family. I don’t even remember most of my childhood and have a dissociative disorder, and I’m pretty sure those are linked (not remembering most of my childhood and having a dissociative disorder).

But I just. I genuinely can’t shake the feeling that I’m an asshole for moving out right before my grandparents get surgeries. So. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

I (41m) accidentally outed my sister (41f), who has tried to kill me, to her transphobic dad. AITA?

To provide some context to the title, my sister (S) myself, and the rest of our siblings were not raised by our biological father. We were all separated from a very young age and only reconnected with our father later, so strictly speaking, I am referring to her foster father (K).

That set aside, as the title indicates, I did not intend to out her.

S and I never got along after reuniting with our father. I will be the first to admit that we both did some pretty horrid things to each other because of this, especially because, looking back, our father encouraged it. In short, he asked me to destroy a project she'd been working on for years because it displeased him. I didn't really want to by our father had a lot of sway in all of our lives, so I did. S and I ended up getting into a series of fights afterwards, during which she tried to burn down my house and beat me to death with a weapon.

Eventually, our father was put into a coma by one of our (now deceased) brothers and the majority of us went our own ways and haven't seen each other in the eleven years since.

As I found out through one of our brothers that still talks to her, she's apparently changed her name and started living as a woman since the last time I saw her. None of my business, so I didn't reach out to her. I did, however, casually mention it to her foster father during a chance meeting a couple days ago.

He didn't say anything at the time so I thought it was fine, but now one of our other siblings has shown up to yell at me because it turns out (I swear I didn't know this before now) K was extremely physically abusive to S when she was younger and they've been low contact pretty much since our father's coma. So he didn't know. From what it sounds like, he found out she was trans from me and immediately went over to her house to call her a slur to her face and now she's been having a panic attack.

S has also accused me of trying to "ruin her life like always".

Cannot stress enough that I DID NOT know, but now I'm wondering: AITA?

Chronicle of Abuse v2

Hey guys... I need help.

I've been thinking about what kind of a person my sister really is, whether all this is just sibling rivalry or she's actually been abusing me for years. I've talked to many counsellors, support staff and my therapists but they don't seem to have an answer. Maybe you'll know the better terminology to describe her behaviour and I'll let you be the judge.

When we were toddlers

Has hit me before.

Has sent me a threatening note. She even explained what it meant to me: She is allowed to hit me (repeated three times) and she is allowed to scream at me.

She abandons me whenever her friends / my older cousin comes along.

Always made me play the bad guy in our games, or in my drawings.

When we were children

Again with the threats. She threatened to tattle to our mum by using a "special device" to send her notes, and I was petrified because she would scream at me instead of disciplining me properly.

Slammed me against a wall once during a fight. I cried and my parents asked her what did she do, and she said that she did nothing.

When she first went to middle school, her own bullies got worse so she kind of took it out on me (can't really blame her for that)

Started creating some really weird stories. When I expressed that I'm uncomfortable with them, she gets angry and I have to pretend that I liked them.

Jumped out into the road many times just to avoid a dog, and throws a tantrum every time she sees one (which is a lot). You have no idea how much her dog phobia traumatized me

Sometimes says I'm not allowed to do certain things while doing the same things herself.

Told me many times that our parents are spoiling me and that I'm an entitled little brat, and she would get very upset if Mum and Dad finally agreed to get me something but she didn't have the same exact thing. In fact, now when I get something for myself, I'm kind of still dreading her throwing a fit.

After Mum almost divorced Dad over not having a cake for her birthday, my sister threatened that she would throw a tantrum like Mum did if she doesn't have a cake for her birthday. (She told me this when we're alone, I think. I forgot if Dad was present too)

My Dad has told her to not scream at me many times, but she never listened to him.

When we were teens

If I told my parents that I'm disagreeing with what my sister said (I often had to whisper), she would get really close to my face and GROWL.

We went to the same primary school and were both bullied by our classmates. When I cry, my sister tends to just tell me to shut up.

She got into Harry Potter and Game of Thrones for a bit, continuing on the weird stories. She would also read out the books in an accent that sounds more like English (which personally, I found very pretentious). I couldn't leave or she'll yell at me.

She tried to pressure me into dating boys when I came out as bi, and was very dismissive and asked me if I'm making everything related to LGBTQ+ when I came out to her as gay, and tried to adopt a more butch look.

Technically this doesn't count as affecting me, but there was a time where my sister wanted a manga but my Dad said no, so she threw another tantrum until he finally bought it for her.

She literally said "You're not allowed to treat me like this" when I'm unhappy with her. It happened a few times I think.

Demanding me to take a post down on my social media if it had swear words.

She would scream at Smokey like she did with me whenever he bit her (basically, being a typical baby kitten). I told her to not do that, her response was "What else can I do apart from screaming?"

When we are adults / Present day/ Ongoing

The transphobia. She once told me that she has heard of trans people saying that what Rowling said isn't transphobic, but now I'm pretty sure she was lying to me.

Constant, overt anti-Chinese racism. This happened after I told her her rants about dogs in the family chat are making me very uncomfortable.

Just being dismissive to literally anything that has to do with me, even when I'm trying to warn her about a cryptocurrency scam that I almost fell victim to.

So, there you have it. That's as much as I can think of right now.

I've heard from some friends that my sister might be a narcissist, while my parents often told me she has a lack of awareness of things/inertia and that she's very blunt in general. It almost felt like they're letting her get away with the stuff she did.

I've been trying to find support for dealing with a possibly abusive sibling, but I don't seem to find anything. I need your help. Please. I don't know what to do.

As a POC, CSA survivor, and both trans & queer - Tom should've educated himself. He had no right to step his foot into racism that /he/ has not experienced. I've had a genuine brick thrown in my face because I spoke Spanish. /Because I spoke Spanish./

GaG is nothing /but/ hate, and it worries me that the "let's agree to disagree" mentality is being spread here. It's dangerous. It's scary to think you guys would still want to support a creator - who's fandom had poc and was mainly LGBT - who looked down upon us. It's common sense, that he did not have. I don't wish death threats upon anyone, and I am so terribly sorry he experienced that. But I am happy he is gone. Let him learn and actually research before he steps his foot into issues he does not belong in.

His fandom that he created felt betrayed, hurt, and as if we were used for money. I still do. I do not support him. The only support he deserves, is therapy and actual learning. Not babying and coddling. People need to realize that just because you have freedom to like something, doesn't free you of consequence and opinion. I hope he stays gone, in all respect. And I hope all of his supporters that "he did nothing wrong" also grow up and get help. Listen to POC, queer, jew, and disabled voices.

I am so so sorry you went through that. I won't pretend by saying I understand how you're feeling, but just know that I'm so sorry you went through/go through all of that. You are very strong, and I hope one day things do get better, not just for you but any and everyone who has gone through that.

As for the GaG agree to disagree subject. The agree to disagree thing was for the Tom situation in general, not only for the GaG. I have been talking about them because I'm trying to educate myself on who they are as people and only recently learned about their actions. I can't speak for all of us, but some of us are just here to discuss stuff. Not all of us are or will continue to support Tom. You have people who love lurking for love, still do but don't want to buy anything or continuing to follow Tom if he comes back. You have others who will. You have others who don't. We all understand that here, and we shouldn't be telling others what to do in their lives. We can disagree and move on, of course, but yelling and being rude only drives people away faster.

Why drive him away, though? I didn't even agree with everything he said, but why couldn't we have had a conversation with him about it instead of telling him what was wrong with what was said? People mess up all the time. It happens, and we shouldn't be screaming insults at someone who had his own opinions and side of the story. Both sides were handled poorly, and I still stand by that this should have been handled privately like adults.

I understand. A lot of people were hurt, and no one here is looking down on those who were hurt. This is meant to be a place where people can talk from both sides about what happened without getting insulted, It doesn't matter if I or anyone agrees or not. This is a safe place for those who don't know where to go when they can't feel welcomed or safe to say, even ONE opinion. You want to call it babying and coddling, then fine, No one is stopping you. But sometimes, all someone needs to understand is someone to just hold their hand and explain. Especially when Tom even asked for proof of the comic artist being a Nazi and only 1 person helped him. People sometimes just need help to understand or get the whole picture. My dad never understood being trans. He even said transphobic things to my face, but all It took was time and explaining, and now he defends anyone who is trans and even when I came out to him.

I can not add on the racism part because I have never experienced racism. I'm not going to even pretend I do because racism is an awful to see and I can't even imagine how it must feel to experience it first hand. I am so sorry that you have and I'm sorry to anyone who has as well.

With everything being said, I hope you have a wonderful day or night, anon, and please remember to hydrate as well, okay? ^^

2/5/24

Okay I'm gonna be so for real? I haven't written a blog in literal years. I just thought someone out there could find this useful or comforting if I documented my transition. I'm in college right now and reader? This is not even my first try at transitioning. I have transphobic parents and I am terrified that they'll find out I'm transitioning in school. I'll talk more about that later. We've just met, let me be normal before I start divulging you into my anxiety. I'm a sophomore in college. If my school had frats I'd fit right in, not in an asshole way, if that tells you anything. Unfortunately I wasn't blessed with a passable face. I'm gonna level with you here reader, I'm not skinny either, further complicating my ability to fit in. I've been midsize since I was 9. I could blame it on a few different things. I got my first device when I was 9 and I was an art kid, not an athlete. I started puberty too and I have a hormone condition that's made the whole experience worse than it could've been. On the topic of said condition, it's the bane of my identity. I realized I'm not a girl in 4th grade. Between me and you, it's because I watched Ouran Highschool Host Club. Loser. I didn't know girls could be boys though. But then I started trying to come out to my mom. Never my dad, he was not an emotionally sensitive guy. At first she'd just blame it on my period and starting my period so young. It isn't untrue that I got my period kind of young, I was 9. I think it's unfair to treat that like it discredits my identity.

But I digress, I'm getting kind of distracted. I found out I have PCOS when I was 13 or 14, I don't really remember anymore. If you don't know, the simple explanation is that cysts grow on my ovaries and my testosterone is too high. Sounds awesome right? I would only be so lucky. It makes me sad and angry and I break out all over my body and my periods are like I'm being ki11ed. Because of this, my mom blames my PCOS for me saying I'm trans? Dude...I'm 20 now. I've been dealing with this bullshit for 6 years now. It's definitely not the hormone condition. I quit birth control last year and got an IUD at the beginning of this school year. Best decision I've made for my body but I'm gonna be honest? Careful with hormonal birth control. It brainwashed me into acting like a woman and I am being so very serious when I say that. The point of saying all that though is that being trans is complicated. It's okay to change your mind a few times.

Moving on. I've realized the easiest part of transitioning is telling your professors your preferred name. Lightwork, no reaction. Fitting in and passing? That's where the challenge has presented itself. Some things I've learned about men

They keep everything in their front pockets?? Wallet sometimes in the back pocket but usually not.

WIDE STRIDE. It doesn't matter if they're tall or not. I'm a short king if you will. I cannot keep up with guys the same height as me. They step so wide and for what.

Hands in the pockets!!! And you know what? I started walking with my hands in my pockets and feel like it's made me look more masculine

Stop waving at people, just nod at them???

I will admit I can't figure out what the situation where it's okay to dap someone up is. I'm also autistic which has complicated my ability to discern such things. I'll keep you posted on that one. I imagine you're wondering why it sounds like I'm trying to fit in with straight men. That would be because I kind of am. I'm a criminal justice major, which is a department in my school that's dominated by athletes. I hate to stick out I thought I liked being different but I actually don't like when people are staring at me. It's uncomfortable and I feel like the longer they stare the more feminine traits they'll notice and the facade of manhood will be clear as glass to them. Yeah anyway that's all for today, I'll probably post again in like 3 days or a week idk. I'll try not to be so disorganized next time.