#most of the writers i know have at least one mental or physical health issue
Text
I feel like I need to start talking more about how one of the big things that Duck Prints Press does is open the door to people who could never even get a foot in with traditional publishing or even most medium/"small" presses (we're a small press, but we're really more of a micro-press, I see places calling themselves small presses that are fucktons bigger than we are).
I've got some anecdotal evidence that people avoid the publications of Presses like this one because they think our writing and editing standards are lower - that we're the people who failed to make it in bigger presses because we weren't good enough - and that, consciously and unconsciously, gatekeeping biases on who is and isn't qualified to write lead people to support small presses less than they might support a more established organization.
So...y'all realize that there are a lot of reasons people wouldn't pursue working with trad pub, right? and I don't even mean ethical doubts, and I don't even mean "trad pub doesn't want to publish certain kinds of stories," though those are definitely factors - we're able to give more space to play with themes and genres because we don't focus solely on "is this marketable" as a sales rubric.
But that's not what I consider the biggest difference.
Hi, I'm Claire, and I own Duck Prints Press, and I have a massive history of clinical depression, including being suicidal in the past. I'm a great writer, and I'm not just tooting my own horn, I've got almost 150,000 kudos on AO3 that suggest that just maybe, I know wtf I'm doing stringing words into sentences. I don't need a big press to tell me I'm competent, I already know that. What I do need is to not end up suicidal again. If I face the gauntlet of rejections that's supposedly "required" as part of gatekeeping trad pub, it will do severe damage to my mental health, and probably destroy my ability to write as depression-induced self-deception eats through what I know to be true.
THAT'S what's different about a micropress like ours. Yes, our founding vision was to work with fans, but the vast majority of the people who work with us have mental illnesses, physical disabilities, neurodivergence issues, and/or other "meatsuits are terrible actually" issues that strict publishing environments can't or, really, won't accommodate. We say "fuck that noise" and go out of our way to accommodate people, granting extensions and ensuring everyone can work on their own schedule. We're able to be very flexible, which means we bring in a lot of people whose incredible skills are overlooked, ignored, looked down on, kept out of, more mainstream publishing options.
If someone has trouble with deadlines? We still work with them.
If someone has an illness that flares irregularly and unpredictably? We still work with them.
If someone needs frequent reminders? We still work with them.
If someone works slowly because they can only do a little at a time? We still work with them.
If someone needs extra time, additional support, special software...we have thus far been able to accommodate literally everyone who has come to us.
As long as the creators who work with us keep communicating and keep showing at least a little progress, we will find a way to make things work, because we want to be as inclusive as possible, and because we know that most people with these challenges, no matter how good they are at writing or art or whatever it is they do with us, would face many more hardships to have these opportunities with a larger, more strict organization.
Just, every time I see indications that people think we're "less" because we're not HarperCollins or Penguin or Tor or something, I get so angry, because it shows so little understanding of how gatekeepy and especially how ableist trad pub is, and I wish more of the people who are thinking things like that would recognize that their behavior is, essentially, snobbery.
And to be clear I'm not saying "people with these challenges never get trad pubbed," that's clearly ridiculous and untrue, but I am saying, people with these challenges shouldn't have to be The Most Exceptional just to have a chance, and we deserve to have a place that will accommodate us instead of having to perform health, perform neurotypicalness, etc. just to succeed. We deserve to not have one flare-up potentially ruin our careers, and we deserve the same opportunities and respect as people who choose other directions.
Between trad pub, small press, and self-publishing, no one route is inherently "superior." Backing one over another doesn't guarantee you're only going to get good stories, or good editing. Trad pub publishes utter schlock sometimes, and self-publishing is fantastic sometimes, and some small presses do have lax standards, and some small presses are exceptional, and I feel like maybe people just really don't understand why places like Duck Prints Press try to exist - it's because we're trying to create spaces that meet us where we are, instead of focusing on rigid conformity, marketability, hard rules, etc.
The only way we'll get a diversity of voices in publishing is by supporting a diversity of publishers. The only way we'll be able to make space for everyone is by supporting the places that carve out new spaces to fit those who didn't fit elsewhere.
I wish more people would understand what we do and why we're here, and that folks would at least try our publications before assuming that we're "like big press but worse at writing/arting/editing."
Idk. I'm just tired, and sick, and still working even tho I'm sick, and frustrated with how hard it is to get anywhere, so here, have a rant I probably shouldn't post.
(this post brought to you by me seeing Chuck Tingle - entirely reasonably, to be clear, Chuck Tingle is awesome and I support him entirely! - celebrating the Camp Damascus release to thousands of notes, and Tor posting a poll about some Locked Tomb short story and getting 1300+ votes, and how I have to claw our way out of the background tumblr noise to get 100+ notes even on our biggest releases)
#duck prints press#about us#suicide mention#suicide tw#to be clear i'm in no danger now i'm well medicated#but i shouldn't have to destroy my mental health to get published actually#fuck that noise#authors shouldn't have to destroy themselves to meet the general public's delusional idea of what is success#i'm so tired y'all#why is everything so hard#i'd like to earn enough to take a paycheck some day#another big difference is that a lot of us our parents#and many of us are poor#virtually everyone i know who has succeed in trad pub is childless and has additional income streams#because those are the people who can afford to take the time and expense of writing full time
76 notes
·
View notes
Text
Profile Tag Game
Hello: My name is Sezzie, I know I can be rather blunt and robotic at times, but I promise you I don’t wish to intentionally hurt you. I am always open to having a chat whether it be in my DMs or through asks.
Chat: Tickling - Of course I like tickling, no shame in that. It’s completely normal… some people get flustered by it? Oh well, those people are the cutest~ Hm? You aren't cute? Well, I guess someone will need some tickles to convince them otherwise!
Chat: Identity - I wonder who I was yesterday, who I’ll be today, and what I’ll be tomorrow… I wish I knew who I was.
Chat: Masking - That thing I just did now, it was incorrect. I will be sure to act correctly in accordance with societal norms next time. If I do not act correctly then others will become disgusted or angry... Just as I would if you were to do the same.
When It Rains: Ugh, this would be nicer if it was at night time…
After the Rain: Everything either looks really clean or really dirty depending on the area… oh look, the birds are coming back out.
When Thunder Strikes: Ah… so relaxing.
When It Snows: What’s that?
When the Sun Is Out: Everything is as it should be…
When the Wind is Blowing: Ugh, my hair is messed up now…
Good Morning: Get up already, the world is perfect at this hour. The bad people don’t come out until later so it’s best to enjoy it while it lasts!
Good Afternoon: So hungry… must do my best to not eat a big meal…
Good Evening: Better get inside… they will be coming out soon.
Good Night: The optimal sleeping hours for those who suffer from depression are 10pm to 5am. Setting yourself a strict bed time will do wonders for your mental health, so hurry along, time for sleep.
About Sezzie: Alphabet - A fellow neurodivergent coworker taught me to think of all my disorders as “my alphabet”… so my alphabet currently is GAD, MDD and BPD… with ASD and ADHD in the process of being diagnosed.
About Sezzie: Writing - I actually hate that I’m the writer in the family and cannot physically draw. But, having a high literacy IQ certainly comes in handy when I’m creating. I’m glad people are able to feel my writing when I put the effort into it.
Something to Share: Name - My real name means “princess” apparently… I hope I don’t come off as one.
Interesting Things: Senses - Ah I love exploring sensory things. Honestly, I believe that feeling sensory pleasure is very soothing and not always supposed to be NSFW as most see it.
Sezzie’s Hobbies: Each of my personalities seems to have different hobbies, but if had to take a guess on the true me… writing, worldbuilding, and video games would be on top! I do also enjoy learning new things and gardening.
Sezzie’s Troubles: My existence troubles me… too dark? Well, deal with it. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows, and I’m tired of coddling the special ones.
Favourite Food: I do not have the ability to have a favourite food due to my sensory eating issues… my addictions and interests change constantly. Ah but if there is one I’ll always come back to… Chicken Kievs hehe
Least Favourite Food: All of them! I like the art of food but eating? Bleh. I wish we didn’t have to.
About @otomiyaa: Ahhh she is my idol! I have been following her for years.. and only recently got the courage to begin talking to her more. I get nervous and think I come off as some weird fan that thinks they are friends with their idols. Forgive me Otomiya-SAMA!!
About @ticklystuff: He is the first person I began talking to when I joined the community. I feel like I owe him something for all the kindness and chats we have had together. I wish I could talk more often about hot MEN with him hehe
About @ticklish-n-stuff: Sakura-chan is one of the few people I can let my guard down and show my more "embarrassing" or "fangirl" sides to when it comes to characters I like. I am grateful to have her in my life. She also gushes about MEN with me and we have a blast discussing tickling.
About @nataliewritez: Nat is my adorable little sister and is a joy to chat to about anything. I can't believe we have known each other for nearly 2 years already!
About @fanfic-chan: Dessie is so adorable and such a comfy person to be around! Also the biggest lee ever hehe
About @ticklygiggles: Little does she know how cute she is. Perhaps I should go tease her sometime soon...
-
Tagging @fanfic-chan @nataliewritez @ticklish-n-stuff @ticklystuff @italeean @thatonetickleblog @anzynai @stopiteatpopcorn
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey guys, i'm back
sorry for the inactivity, just had a really stressful last few days and mental health breakdowns left and right but we're here i guess
sorry if i have not responded to any of your asks or comments, i was just taking a break from social media (or at least communicative social media) for the sake of my mental health, just for a little bit. i might go on another hiatus for the same reason next time, so just giving you a heads up. and yes it will be pretty frequent too.
i'll be back to writing ffs soon. there are still a few trials and tribulations with the ones i was supposed to release last year in late 2023 but my writer's block is so horrible that i just physically avoid tumblr because of my sheer absolute frustuation with my stubborn lack of creativity (if you're a fellow fic writer, you will know). if you have read my guidelines, you'd know how much of a slow writer i am
requests will be temporarily be closed for now, prior to what i just mentioned. i'll be continuing on with the ones i am needing to be posting as of this month - which is the david griffin one. any others will be scheduled for late january or february.
thank you guys for being so patient with me, i hope this isn't a real downer for you all but please do understand me when i say i am a very anxiety-ridden and mental wrecked individual. despite those personal issues, i still do try my best in make the most top quality content. i don't want to keep you all waiting and then let your expectations go to waste. i'm a perfectionist anyways so this will not be happening.
thanks again all, now have a nice day and refreshing start of 2024. happy new year everyone <3
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Mad Academic: An Introduction
Hello, I’m Nicole (but you can call me Nic if you’d like), a queer, Mad, disabled, and chronically ill occasional part-time university student. And this, as you can probably tell, is my newsletter, Mad Academic. Though I’m not entirely sure where this Substack will end up, my current goal is to focus on assumptions in the areas of psychology and disability, as well as those assumptions’ impact on society as a whole. (Yes, that is purposefully vague. I don’t want to limit what I write here—at least not yet.) However, this project is just getting started, and I know there will be mistakes along the way. This will definitely be a learning experience for me, but stick around, and maybe you’ll learn something, too.
More About the Writer
I’ve never been the best at talking about myself, but here we go. Born pretty close to the East Coast in Northern Virginia, I grew up among the humidity and greenery, which heavily contrasts with the desert-like state I’m in now (New Mexico). I was also pretty close to Washington DC, a place I loved to visit.
I grew up unschooled for the most part. When I asked to try online school—and eventually in-person high school—my health problems, overwhelm, and lack of motivation got to me, making it so I never finished a semester, even if I just took one or two classes. I felt like a failure. Some might’ve called me lazy. Some might’ve called it the emergence of severe depression along with some other things. Some might’ve chosen a different lens and considered the ongoing trauma that began around that time as well as the fact that I never had much school experience. Maybe some would’ve gone even deeper and considered more societal implications. Me? I had no name or explanation for what was going on. I think I thought it was just part of me being weird.
Despite not doing well in anything school related, I took my first college course when I was seventeen. It was an introductory psychology course, and it actually went really well. However, I struggled with taking more than two or four classes for the most part. Back then, I would spend a lot of time on homework but almost always received grades of at least 100%. But, over the past few years, getting 100% on everything turned into either getting 100% on a project or not turning it in at all. The last time I took classes, it got to the point where I usually wouldn’t turn in assignments at all.
I started to identify what I’m going through as autistic burnout. As I’m close to starting my Master’s degree at this point, I really want to return at some point, but I’ve also heard of autistic burnout never really going away for some people. As much as I want to go back, my plan is to take things slow for now. I’m very lucky in that I can do that in the first place.
So what have I been doing during my break from school? I started doing some streaming and reading. (You can find my stream over here.) And from here on, I plan to do more reading and streaming, along with some writing, too, starting with this newsletter.
I consider myself disabled and have been diagnosed with multiple physical and mental disorders throughout my life. Though I used to care a lot about the DSM, ultimately memorizing the criteria for many disorders (it was a special interest, okay?), I’ve started to realize it’s limited and even harmful to people. (And now I often use my knowledge to bash it!) Today, I continue to learn about the effects of the psychiatric system on different individuals.
Why Bother Writing About This?
I’m writing about this because it feels important; impacts me; hopefully will inform others; and allows me to learn, evolve, and be corrected in this area of knowledge.
What to Expect
I’m not sure what exactly I’m going to post about other than my thought on issues that arise in psychology. Maybe there will also be some other societal topics—maybe some personal topics. But in the end, I’m hoping for it to keep the same theme while letting the newsletter evolve however it’s meant to evolve.
Overall, this is meant to be a place to post my finished (or almost finished) thoughts related to psychology, disability, and potentially all kinds of societal issues. I’m planning to do a lot more research in the future, which is why the future topics of this newsletter are partially to be determined. It all sounds like a mess. I know. I figured the fastest way to figure out what this newsletter should be about is to learn as I go. I guess we’ll see how that works out.
How often will I post? I’m hoping to start with one post on the first of each month. I’m also hoping to post at least one Instagram post a week, but that will be further figured out later. (For anyone who doesn’t know, my Instagram account is @madacademic.)
At the moment, this newsletter is entirely free, and it might stay that way. While there are paid options, those are just for giving further support to this project and do not affect which content you can access. If I ever change this, I’ll be sure to announce it.
1 note
·
View note
Note
hi! I’m really glad to see you back on my dash, I know you were away for a while. I’m curious now that ur back will there be updates to ur fics again? <3
‘Ello!!! Thanks for the kind message, anon. I’m happy that my constant shit posting at random times of the day is something you’re glad to see lol, since I know I come on, flood the dashes of my followers for a continuous fifteen minutes and then peace out for hours at a time before coming back and repeating the process lol!
To answer your question about my fics, it’s… difficult. Because I don’t really have an answer, at least not a clear one. I’ve been very honest about the mental breakdown I had over a year and a half ago as well as the processes I’ve been going through to get back to what would he considered my baseline mentality, which if I’m being completely honest, was never that great of a baseline to begin with.
My life isn’t currently in danger, so don’t be concerned about that. I am under the care of multiple wonderful medical professionals who are trying their best to help me find the will to live, I also have an amazing support system of health care workers and friends that get me through the darkest moments. I’ll be honest, the darkness is there more often than not, it’s very tough to get through the days. Because of this I’m not currently writing anything, it’s not a writers block per se, more like I just don’t have the spoons to actually do it. I use most of my mental and physical strength just getting out of bed in the morning to make coffee and take my meds, so by the time I have the free time actually sit down and write, all my energy is used up.
The fics are mostly written, either new chapters or the next fic in a series, they’re just not actually post ready. There are endings missing or big plot scenes only half done, or they’re not edited/beta read, etc. I have read what I have/need to post multiple times trying to kickstart myself into finishing them, but my mind just doesn’t work atm. I’m really sorry to my readers, I feel terrible that I’ve left them waiting and wanting for so long, but unfortunately this is not something I can rush or force.
Just let it be known that while my fics might be on hold, they are not abandoned. I will find my way back, I will get out of this, I’m trying I’m damndest. And I hope I have your understanding and patience whilst I work on these mental health issues 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🖤🩶🤍🤎
1 note
·
View note
Note
Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments
when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???
but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.
firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.
secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:
writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.
in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.
because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.
but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.
the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.
now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.
i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.
now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!
add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.
now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.
then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.
sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.
but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.
and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.
for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.
so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.
if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.
#long post#rant#i almost deleted this#but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose#this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY#or don't#whatever#writing stuff#i should tag it#writing SHIT#but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives#not me
193 notes
·
View notes
Text
My Critique of Rebuild of Evangelion's Characterization: I originally wrote this post on the Evageeks forum and decided to post it here. It discusses the relationship between Misato, WILLE and the pilots and whether it is realistic and in-character. Warning this post contains spoilers and is very long. Also has references to self-harm and suicide.
With each revelation that comes out regarding the measures WILLE take against Shinji and their own pilots, it becomes more and more unrealistic for me to the point where it's almost comical. Let's go through some of them here:
They wear the explosive DSS chokers 24/7 which will kill the pilots should they risk awakening an Eva.
They are kept in a single room rigged with explosives.
In Shinji's case, he is (intended to be) put in 24/7 solitary confinement with explosives fitted as well.
Shinji is escorted around the wunder whilst restrained on a stretcher. (NOTE: The only time he isn't, is when Sakura takes him to Ritsuko).
It is confirmed in another thread that Misato gave clear permission to the crew for them to shoot Shinji on sight if they suspect he is attempting to get into an Eva.
Now let me attempt to deconstruct these measures one-by-one:
It is understandable that Asuka and Mari wear DSS chokers because after all they are pilots and there is a risk of awakening. However in Shinji's case, he is forbidden from piloting and so there is no risk of awakening (remember Ritsuko did not think NERV would come after him, so they had no reason to think he would escape). So why place the DSS choker on him? Well we have already established it is simply because they have a resentment against him; there is no special, pragmatic reason. Is this realistic? Well I would say no for reasons I will explain later but I can certainly understand why others may say it is.
I don't think I will understand why they would keep their two main "soldiers" if you will, in an explosively rigged room. I believe others have stated that from a tactical point, it's an extremely dumb move on WILLE's part. After all, if Asuka and Mari didn't have plot armor, what's to stop Gendo from tricking WILLE into killing their own pilots with these explosives? How would WILLE stop Gendo then? Will they use Shinji? No, for reasons I will state later. And another thing, we know that their rooms were already fitted with explosives so why on Earth would they add extra after the events of Q (when they stopped 4th impact). What do they hope to achieve with more bombs? Make the pilots more "deader" than they already are? In my opinion, this doesn't even come across as paranoid but just plain childish. Is this measure realistic from a story standpoint? No not in my eyes.
We know they intended to put Shinji in a solitary cell as this is what they do in Shin. If it was solitary confinement on it's own, then I believe it would be a realistic measure that would happen in real life. However I believe the writers did not factor in the effects of solitary confinement (especially one that is rigged to explode) on fully grown men; never mind a 14 year old who's just come out of a 14 year coma. Many people think solitary confinement is a walk in the park so I made another post a while ago highlighting why that's not the case:
"I remember when before Shin came out people here theorized that if Shinji stayed on the Wunder, they would eventually softened to him and let him help in ways that wouldn't have involved piloting. However with these revelations it looks like they intended to keep him in an isolated room far from everyone else that is (presumably) rigged with explosives as well as keeping the choker on his neck. Not even allowed to freely leave his cell without WILLE's permission (it is unlikely they would let him out judging from these measures).
Even though Asuka and Mari were treated like this as well, at least they had each other and were able to leave as they had responsibilities in piloting. But Shinji was forbidden from piloting and was to be kept by himself except maybe being checked up on by Sakura now and again. So judging from these leaks (we will have to wait to properly see the full context) WILLE intended to lock Shinji in solitary confinement.
I have copied and pasted some of the effects of Solitary Confinement from Wikipedia below:
“Psychiatric: Research indicates that the psychological effects of solitary confinement may encompass "anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive disturbances, perceptual distortions, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and psychosis." The lack of human contact, and the sensory deprivation that often go with solitary confinement, can have a severe negative impact on a prisoner's mental state that may lead to certain mental illnesses such as depression, permanent or semi-permanent changes to brain physiology, an existential crisis, and death.
Self-harm: According to a March 2014 article in American Journal of Public Health, "Inmates in jails and prisons attempt to harm themselves in many ways, resulting in outcomes ranging from trivial to fatal." Self harm was seven times higher among the inmates where seven percent of the jail population was confined in isolation. Fifty-three percent of all acts of self harm took place in jail. "Self-harm" included, but was not limited to, cutting, banging heads, self-amputations of fingers or testicles. These inmates were in bare cells, and were prone to jumping off their beds head first into the floor or even biting through their veins in their wrists. A main issue within the prison system and solitary confinement is the high number of inmates who turn to self-harm. Many of the inmates look to self-harm as a way to "avoid the rigors of solitary confinement."
Physical: Solitary confinement has been reported to cause hypertension, headaches and migraines, profuse sweating, dizziness, and heart palpitations. Many inmates also experience extreme weight loss due to digestion complications and abdominal pain. Many of these symptoms are due to the intense anxiety and sensory deprivation. Inmates can also experience neck and back pain and muscle stiffness due to long periods of little to no physical activity. These symptoms often worsen with repeated visits to solitary confinement.
Social: The effects of isolation unfortunately do not stop once the inmate has been released. After release from segregated housing, psychological effects have the ability to sabotage a prisoner's potential to successfully return to the community and adjust back to ‘normal’ life. The inmates are often startled easily, and avoid crowds and public places. They seek out confined small spaces because the public areas overwhelm their sensory stimulation.”
And this is just for solitary confinement. There are so many other things going on with and happening (or could happen) to Shinji such as the things below:
Shinji being only 14 years old.
Shinji being abandoned and neglected by his father.
Shinji being coerced/emotionally blackmailed to pilot Unit 1.
Shinji seeing girls he cared for "die".
Shinji being in a coma for 14 years.
Shinji being told he has a bomb on his neck.
Being told it is because he is being punished.
Being told he cannot pilot the eva anymore (he is effectively "useless" now).
Have his former co-pilot and friend try and punch him after he thought she was dead.
[Potentially] being told he started NTI and devastated the world.
[Potentially] being told that the girl he tried to save is "gone" and that she was a clone of his mother.
Being imprisoned in a cell (presumably) surrounded by explosives and not being able to freely leave.
Be completely isolated from everyone except when being checked up by a girl who's father he got killed. (NOTE: Mari might want to see him so Shinji at least has her, maybe).
Have his mother figure (the woman who made him pilot the eva the most) threaten to detonate the choker around his neck and blow his head off when he tries to leave.
With the above list, is it any wonder his head is so messed up? I understand the purpose of these films is all about growing up and taking responsibility but expecting Shinji to willingly allow himself to be subjected to the treatment WILLE had in store for him is pure, unadulterated masochism. Much of what was is written here can safely be considered cruel, inhumane and arguably, torture.
There is a massive difference between taking responsibility for one's mistakes and just letting the whole world torture you because you did something bad. My main fear and problem with Q and Thrice is that their main theme, which is accepting responsibility, is equated with accepting unreasonably cruel treatment. And I just think that is an EXTREMELY unhealthy message to send to people especially if they are depressed or live in abusive relationships."
When you take all these into account, does it place into perspective how messed up Shinji would have been had he stayed on the wunder? This is assuming that they thought they would never have a need for him, but as we find out in Shin, they needed Shinji in the end to defeat Gendo. If Shinji never left with Mark 09 and Misato successfully kept him "protective" custody, then one of three things would have happened when WILLE actually needed him to save everyone:
A: He would not have been in the mental state to pilot Unit 1 and Gendo would have completely wrecked him due to shit synch ratios.
B: He would have told Misato and co. to fuck off and die. We've seen this nihilism before from Shinji (after the 5th angel). His incarceration alongside the humiliation and guilt from wearing the choker will have ratcheted up by a million.
C: He wouldn't have piloted because he would have killed himself. There's only so much a 14 year old can take and when subjected to a fate that causes even hardened criminals to resort to self-harm, genital mutilation and suicide, then what chance does Shinji have?
Now back to my original point, do I think this measure is realistic? I would like to say yes if it was the solitary on it's own, however when combined with the other things, then I think the chances of Shinji commiting suicide is extremely high to the point where it's not believable for him to continue as an anime protagonist. You have to make sure the protagonist goes through difficulty in order to experience growth and change, however if you make it too harsh (to the point of committing suicide) then it seems less believable that they live to continue the story. On a separate note, many people think that Shinji was immature for leaving with Mark 09 the first chance he got and that this is proof that he is, in Asuka's words, a "brat". But let's be realistic, if this story is about Shinji's growth and maturation, then how exactly would WILLE's treatment of him be conducive to that? The truth is WILLE's sheer hostility towards him would have completely stunted any emotional growth and maturation in Shinji and it would have destroyed the point of the film. Also no-one can argue that WILLE would have eventually "come round" or "softened-up" towards Shinji because even after 14 years they still don't trust their own pilots. So yeah, Shinji most likely would have been stuck in solitary with a bomb around his neck until he either killed himself or the war ended (but even this doesn't guarantee his freedom).
Regarding the stretcher business. I don't understand why you have to restrain Shinji on a stretcher when the kid has already surrendered himself and has come voluntarily. Maybe WILLE are just full of bondage fetishists; it would certainly explain the chokers as well.
If the DSS chokers and the explosive rooms weren't enough, Misato actually gave orders to the crew to shoot Shinji if they thought he was trying to pilot again. At this point, I just think this is just overkill. I mean the kid has a bomb on his neck that prevents him from awakening an Eva, you intended to keep him locked up even though he can't really leave the wunder except with outside help and now you intend to shoot him if you think he'll get into an Eva. The problem with this, is that piloting an Eva requires all the bridge-bunnies to sortie the damn thing. Shinji cannot enter Unit 1 by himself, especially since the thing is being used as an engine so why do they assume that Shinji is capable of being Sam Fisher and sneaking into Unit 1? We see that Sakura and Midori are actually willing to shoot Shinji in 3.0+1.0 and do so when he merely suggests that he pilot Unit 1. But seriously what harm would Shinji have done in Unit 1 considering the fact that Gendo was already going to start another impact anyway? Why actively try and kill (or injure in Sakura's case) the only guy that can save your ass? One cannot argue that they were just being "desperate or panicking" because in Midori's case, she actually takes the time to confirm her orders from Misato. This shows that at least, she was still of lucid mind. This particular altercation just beggars belief in my mind and the fact that Misato actually gave those orders on top of all the other measures is absolutely extraordinary. So as you can imagine, I do not think this was realistically executed.
However, I can already hear some detractors say: "So what? Misato hesitated to detonate the DSS choker and also took a bullet for Shinji. She redeemed herself from putting the DSS choker on him and the kill-order for if they thought he would try and get into an Eva."
And to those people I say….not really. There is an idiom attributed to Benjamin Franklin and it goes like this: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." How does this apply to Misato and Shinji's relationship? Well Misato wouldn't have had to hesitate to pull the trigger if she didn't put it on him in the first place. Misato wouldn't have had to take a bullet for Shinji, if she didn't give permission for the crew to shoot him in the first place. Let's take this following dialogue for example:
916-929:
Kitakami: "It's a good thing we got Major Shikinami back. But why'd we have to take that disease along with her?"
Aoba: "Just leave it alone. Better than Nerv still being able to use him."
Tama: "If he tries to get into an Evangelion, all hands have permission to shoot on sight. There's nothing to worry about this time."
Kitakami: "Come on, that's all for show. The last time he broke out of here, the Captain couldn't put him down. I've got zero trust about this time either."
Nagara: "He was a kid. I can understand why she'd hesitate."
Kitakami: "That 'kid' caused Near Third Impact and murdered my entire family!"
Hyuga: "Near Third was a consequence of what he did, not his goal. The Captain's doing her best to atone for that too."
Takao: "That's right. She's who Kaji entrusted with Wille, and it's our job to trust the captain."
We learn a few things from this dialogue. Firstly, the older WILLE members are much more understanding to Shinji and Misato's situation: Aoba and Hyuga understand that it's better to keep an eye on Shinji and that he never meant to start NTI, Takao is one who always trusts Misato's judgement and Sumire understands that Misato would have found it difficult to kill a child, especially one that Misato was close with.
Secondly, it appears that the younger WILLE members (Midori, Sakura and Tama) are the ones that are fearful/hateful towards Shinji (NOTE: Tama is a strange case, he strikes me as the sort of kid that just follows what everyone else is feeling. He might not feel anything towards Shinji beyond what you'd expect).
Finally it appears that most of WILLE crew members are actually reasonable people and are not the extremely desperate and paranoid individuals some people on the forum believe. Remember this is AFTER Shinji started the 4th impact in Q. The fact that some of the WILLE crew members speak of Shinji in this way, show they are capable of understanding. Most actually trust Misato and respect her judgement except for Midori, who questions Misato's capabilities in following through on her threats.
Which brings me to my next point. Misato has had no hesitation in pulling rank in the past. In 2.0, she even has an altercation with Ritsuko, her best friend, right before they fight the 8th angel. Misato is a woman that will tell even her best friend to STFU, when it comes to doing what she wants. Having said that, (timeskip shenanigans aside) there's no reason why she couldn't have done the same with the younger WILLE crew members. She could have nipped all of it in the bud by telling Sakura, Midori and the rest of them that Shinji was groomed to cause NTI and it was not his fault.
Instead, despite being the captain that everyone loves and fears, she kowtowed to the crew's paranoia and had the pilots fitted with explosive chokers, put in explosively rigged solitary confinement and gave the order to kill Shinji if they feared the worst. This is the sort of thing that drives fully grown men to suicide, never mind 14 year olds that have just come out of a coma. Imagine if Shinji did commit suicide in his cell. Who would Misato and WILLE have turned to in order to defeat Gendo in the end? What if Gendo tricked WILLE into killing their own pilots with the explosives? They would be properly screwed then. If Misato actually cared, as we are led to believe from her hesitation to kill Shinji, then she would have told the rest of the WILLE crew to fuck off, instead of alienating and putting Shinji and the pilots in that much risk. Are we really expected to believe that Misato placed such extreme countermeasures on Shinji just to appease Midori and Sakura? Not likely. This is why I believe that Misato would not have put the DSS choker on Shinji in the first place, and her doing so in Q was extremely unrealistic and out of character, even with anything that happened during the timeskip.
Some of you will say: "Who cares about realism? It's a show about aliens and growing up." While this is true, Anno has proven that he is able to pull the themes off much better when you look at the NGE series. Disregarding the self-contained narrative, it is obvious that the purpose of Q was to bring Shinji to the same point he was at after episode 24 of the series. If we look at how NGE/EOE handled Shinji's depression, we see that it is quite realistic:
The neglect and coercion by the adults in his life, almost dying to angels multiple times, the sexual tension with Asuka, almost killing Touji, finding out Rei is a clone of his mother, Misato putting the moves on him and having to kill Kaworu all culminate towards Shinji's mental state during EOE. Shinji is passively suicidal but it's due to the *situation* and his own introverted tendencies instead of people actively trying to hurt and isolate him. He finds the will to live again due to his mothers words despite knowing just how difficult living might be. If you remove all the Evas and the Angels from the story, the themes that are touched upon (isolation, neglect, misunderstanding) still apply and the audience can still resonate with them.
The rebuilds however go about it completely differently. They bring Shinji to that same suicidal state by having all the characters/plot actively harm Shinji's mental health by:
Putting him in a coma for 14 years so he is completely clueless. Imagine how groggy you are when you wake up in the morning and then multiply that by a million.
Have Misato psychologically castrate Shinji by telling him he won't do anything with a look of disdain on her face.
Have Ritsuko make Shinji feel dread by telling him he has a bomb on his neck and it's because he is being "punished".
Not tell him why he is being punished when he asks Misato.
Have Asuka try to punch Shinji after he thought she was dead.
Tell Shinji the girl he saved is "gone”.
Have his "mother figure" threaten to blow his head off for wanting to leave with the girl you just told him is gone.
Have Asuka and Mari attack Shinji in Lilith's chamber even though Shinji was seemingly willing to listen to them had Asuka not kept attacking. (Watch that scene again and you'll see when Asuka learns what Shinji is trying to do, she stops attacking but instead of explaining that he's being manipulated, she just calls him a brat instead).
Even Mari was willing to potentially kill or cripple Shinji with the Anti-AT rounds. (We don't know what the AA rounds are truly capable of because the only time they are used on screen, they don't work. The round cartridges state that they are armor and AT field piercing and have explicit restrictions on their use. The fact that Mari requires Asuka's explicit authorization to use them imply that they are most likely lethal and would have killed/crippled Shinji had he been in a normal Eva).
Have Shinji's friend's head explode with the device Shinji's "mother figure" actually meant for him. Imagine seeing someone's head explode and then remember that your "mother figure" actually meant that to be for you. That would certainly mess anyone up.
Have Asuka then kick and manhandle him when he is catatonic.
Have Asuka force feed him to the point where he pukes whilst he is still grieving the death of his friend.
Have Shinji only be escorted whilst tied to a stretcher despite him coming voluntarily.
Have Misato place Shinji in 24/7 solitary confinement in a cell rigged with explosives.
Have Misato tell the WILLE crew to shoot Shinji on sight if they think he's getting into an EVA.
Have people tell Shinji that he's being a brat the entire time for reacting badly to all this.
By having Misato, Asuka, WILLE reject and "punish" Shinji so harshly so it kicks off his isolation and desperation, it makes Shinji's "recovery" seem less believable. Anno himself didn't even know how to make Shinji recover psychologically in 3.0+1.0 and he actually had to ask the voice actors on how to make that happen. The story made the WILLE crew go full scorched-earth and in doing so made Shinji's "growth" and his reconciliation with Misato seem impossible.
I have already stated that I believe Q represents "Condemnation" and Shin represents "Compassion" and I think both films pull that off brilliantly. But that doesn't mean I think the characters acted in a realistic manner. I do not believe that Misato would have placed such harsh sanctions on Shinji in the first place for the reasons I have stated above. And if she did, I do not believe that Shinji would have easily forgiven Misato (even IF she took a bullet for him) as we see he does in the film. I do not believe that WILLE were merely "scared and desperate" because as the dialogue above shows, they are surprisingly understanding (but still disapproving) of Shinji's situation despite him literally starting another impact. I do not believe that Misato would have bent over to Sakura and Midori's resentment and taken measures against Shinji, just to ease their minds.
In summary, my main problem with the post-timeskip rebuilds is that I feel they gaslight the audience in thinking that Shinji was just being a "brat" the entire time by having Asuka and Mari say: "You have grown a little/You smell like an adult now." However, the truth is Shinji's been through so much mental suffering perpetrated by the people he cares about, that it's a miracle he's not killed himself. It would certainly break most of us on this forum. The movies seek to show Shinji "finally" taking responsibility when the truth is, the plot went so above and beyond putting him down in such an extreme manner in the first place.
#evangelion#nge#nte#rebuild of evangelion#evangelion 3.0 you can (not) redo#evangelion 3.33#evangelion 3.0+1.0#misato katsuragi#shinji ikari#asuka langley shikinami#mari makinami illustrious#ritsuko akagi#3+1 spoilers#spoilers
119 notes
·
View notes
Text
the legend of [not] korra
incoming my long and overdue essay over why i dislike how korra was sidelined in book 4 and how the conclusions to big conflicts were less than satisfying. depending on how long this ends up being, this might get split into two posts. anyways, lets talk book 4.
for a show called The Legend of Korra, it’s pretty jarring how korra was sidelined most of season 4 (this is also an issue season 3 has). what’s more, is that korra is sidelined in the wake of the most compelling arc in the show: recovering from her fight with zaheer (plus all the other trauma from previous seasons) and finding her place as the avatar in this universe. this arc, while it is handled very well at some points, was not satisfying by the time the show ended.
i could probably write a second (and very long) essay on korra alone and why it’s the best episode in season 4.
one of the reasons korra alone is so good is because the forefront of the episode is korra, the character the show is about, and the main conflict of the episode is her mental health. after this, however, korra hardly gets any screen time. i remember getting eager over just seeing korra on screen when season 4 was “airing” because her presence was so lacking.
there are some minor issues with korra’s recovery arc after s4e2. s4e4: the calling ends off on a note that felt like closure but it wasn’t. they could have done a lot with korra’s hallucination of herself (gonna refer to her as dark!korra). going off the idea that dark!korra is a metaphor for her PTSD (or mental illness in general), it feels wrong that she appears in s4e2 and s4e6 and then never appears again. this is one thing season 4 could have spent more time tackling instead of wu or the air babies.
it’s nice that the writers didn’t wrap up korra’s recovery in the first half of season 4 and had it as a long-term conflict. this conflict is one we hardly get to see outside of a few scenes because korra isn’t the main character in season 4 but... it’s There. it Exists. the pacing of korra’s recovery feels a bit odd because they spend so little time focusing on it outside of s4e2
while it should have been explored more, korra’s recovery arc throughout season 4 is decent. at least until the series finale. let’s talk about my favorite quote in the show /s
“i understand why i had to go through all that. i needed to know what true suffering was so i could be more compassionate to others. even to people like kuvira”
while it is trying to send the message that korra has become wiser/more experienced because of what happened to her in the past and that she can move forward without it holding her back so much, the wording does many things wrong and it does not serve as a good conclusion:
1) it equates korra’s trauma to character growth
2) it asserts that what happened to korra in the season 3 finale was deserved
3) it implies that korra was never "compassionate enough” even though she was
for an arc that is so interesting and raw, it did not get the attention or the conclusion it should have.
korra getting sidelined in season 4 gave rise to other problems. she was sidelined so much to the point that she didn’t even have a final battle with kuvira. she fought kuvira, yes, but it would have been exciting and satisfying to see a full rematch between the two. they didn’t get a final fight and because of this, the series finale did not feel like a finale until the very end.
book 4 wasn’t super focused korra and instead turned its attention to the earth kingdom and the power vacuum that was happening. seeing the consequences of zaheer killing the earth queen was interesting. kuvira had so much power but at the end, they made it about republic city. it went from a very large scale issue that impacted the entire world to taking over republic city with the Splatoon 2 stingray.
spot the difference
it was extremely underwhelming. season 2 also has this problem. unavaatu is all like “its time to take back the physical world” *proceeds to only attack republic city*
i am going to end off with saying that korra didn’t only need more screen time in season 4, but that she also should have had more screen time with asami. i love that korrasami became canon (it means so much to me and it was such an important step forward with lgbtq+ rep in media). season 3 did a good job at establishing their relationship and i wish they continued to emphasize it in season 4. sidebar, i don’t believe korrasami was rushed or out of nowhere, but seeing them grow closer in book 4 would’ve been so neat.
i enjoyed season 4, but it could have been so much more.
#korra#legend of korra#lok#analysis?#sorry if my writing sucks LMAO#i aint an english major over here#i cant believe i managed to organize my thoughts into this post#korra i love u and i think u deserved better#also can someone catch me up on rote because i havent read it so like? is it good?#shout out to ppl who read this entire thing lmfao
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
Honestly.
Making sure that you have some money saved and better yet in more than one way.
Learning finance.
Checking your mental health and solving all the issues.
Making sure that people all around you are good for you. Don't tolerate behavior that seems unpleasant to you. People can be friends for ages and then move on. It's normal. Move on.
Spread some good thoughts and ideas all around you. A simple calm "Well, don't you think they also deserve rights regardless of their (you know what to put here)?". It can change people's opinion in the long run. It can. And you won't lose your precious time arguing with someone who is only going to get more stubborn. Every person is a person, they might have these opinions because of bad influence around them. Be the good influence if you have the energy for this. You might add another tolerant person into the world, who knows? You might be the part of everything that makes them see the light. Or at least to question everything.
Small steps are creating big results. If you've ever learnt any skill at all, you know this. If you didn't, it's about time to start learning.
Also learn how to keep calm. It's idiotic to be hysterical, doesn't help the people/person you worry about, definitely only harms you.
Train your brain. Always. Learn how to think, how to put yourself into other people's shoes. Never let your brain get wasted. Play chess, for example on the internet. It's good fun.
Have a fucking hobby. How on Earth can people live without one is beyond me.
Have different ways of income.
Have something to live for. Writing, painting, family, friends.
Read important books. Classics. They teach you good stuff. They let you touch the mind of the most intelligent people.
Learn shit you didn't like at school. In certain circles people won't respect you if you don't know some basic facts about life. As in physics, biology, chemistry. It's like writing with grammar mistakes. People close the websites with grammar mistakes.
Also. They made you practise Math because it's a good practice for your brain. It doesn't let it rot.
If you know that there's a maniac on the street who kills women who wear red skirts, don't go on the street wearing red skirt. (It's a metaphor.) You are responsible for your safety. Unfortunately we live in the same world as do terrible people and in order to survive with them right alongside you, you need to be smarter than them. Or at least don't go around asking for this. You'll have only your moral superiority left.
Have a list of reliable news channels. Always two points of view.
Download twitter. People on there are crazy but they learn the news quicker than anyone.
Learn to handle as much of your fears as you can. Start small, then fight it every day.
Do sports, it calms the mind and teaches you discipline.
Don't waste your time on books/articles/films that neither catches your attention, nor make your mind curious.
Be curious. Life is full of interesting things, always follow new routs.
Learn history. Same things as with "things you disliked at school" but the most important thing, I believe, history teaches you is that nothing is eternal under the sun. History also gives you some ground to stand one. Why is your country as it is. If you are a writer/artists, there are so many plots there.
Have some friends across the globe. Otherwise you'll keep thinking that everyone is more different than we are similar.
Computers, computer security, some basic skills.
And above all don't wait with any of this until
Simple people always suffer the most. Don't be too simple.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Chronic Shame and Depression: A Vicious Cycle
Learning to distinguish shame from guilt helped me better manage my mental health.
by Krysta Scripter
I feel guilty about damn near everything.
I don't clean my house enough. I don't love my husband enough. I don't work as hard as I should. I don't reach out to friends enough. I don't take care of my family enough.
No matter what, it feels like I'm never enough.
I still struggle with this, even when I know I'm exhausted and need a break. It's hard to wrap my brain around the idea of taking care of myself when I'm constantly listing things I still need to do. Not living up to my own expectations makes me depressed.
I was dealing with a series of bad days, feeling burned out on work and unable to accomplish basic tasks, when I finally blurted out to my husband that I felt worthless as a writer and also felt guilty for not doing more.
"That's not guilt," he said. "You're talking about how you feel, not what you did. That's shame."
This conversation surprised me. While I had used the two terms synonymously when referring to my emotions, I almost felt worse about the idea of feeling ashamed rather than feeling guilty. But why was that?
Was my shame the root of my depression, or the other way around? Could I deal with one without dealing with the other? Why did I feel so ashamed about my shame?
Guilt versus shame
Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, but professionals have recently started distinguishing between the two.
In his book The Science of Shame, Dr. Gerald Fishkin explains that shame is one of the least understood aspects of human emotion.
"Historically, shame and guilt have not had clear distinctions," he writes, noting that guilt is a reaction based on our behaviors.
"Shame, on the other hand, is an organic biological response that is expressed as a visceral and not an intellectual reaction."
The key thing to note about shame, and the negative self-talk it produces, is that it is completely irrational.
"Our thoughts follow our experience of shame rather than the other way around. Shame is unlike guilt in this way," Fishkin writes. "Since shame is built into our systems and our self-image, we experience it first and think about it later."
Shame doesn't follow any logical reaction — it's rooted in emotion. A shame attack, when feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing spiral out of control, is almost impossible to stop once it's started.
In her book Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve, psychotherapist and author Beverly Engel writes that "debilitating or toxic shame is a type of shame that is so all-consuming that it negatively affects every aspect of people's lives."
She continues: "(Toxic shame affects) their perception of themselves, their relationships with others, their ability to be intimate with a romantic partner, their ability to risk and achieve success in their career, and their overall physical and emotional health."
The vicious cycle of shame and depression
What makes shame even more difficult to manage is that it's both a trigger and a symptom of depression.
"The relationship is bidirectional, though, so when shame is worse, depression worsens. When depression is worse, it can increase the levels of shame," said Eric Patterson, licensed therapist and contributing writer for Choosing Therapy.
When the root of depression is actually shame, or shame exacerbates feelings of depression, treating one without the other leaves patients with an incomplete healing process.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel, a New York-based psychotherapist and author, shares the story of a severely depressed man who suffered from shame so acutely that his depression could not be treated by traditional methods.
"He interprets his distress, which is caused by his emotional aloneness, as a personal flaw," Hendel writes.
"He blames himself for what he is feeling and concludes that there must be something wrong with him. This all happens unconsciously."
The man's depression could only be treated once his shame was addressed in a therapeutic setting that allowed him to recognize his emotions and deal with them accordingly.
Countering shame with compassion
According to Fishkin, we have two primary affective responses: shame and compassion.
"Compassion is a connectedness that transcends language and emotion," he writes. "I cannot control it — it's not intellectual. It is a deep connection of association with the other."
Fishkin believes compassion-focused therapy is far more likely to help patients move towards healing.
"Self-compassion means forgiving ourselves for the sins we did not commit," he writes.
"It means learning how to stop carrying shame, the shame perpetuated by those who violated us in the first place — those who directly or indirectly told us that we were not good enough through their words or actions."
Therapist and author Deedee Cummings also recommends professional therapy for those looking to process shame.
"Most people need to spend several therapy sessions talking through the source of the shame, receiving the validation that they are not horrible people and that we all make mistakes, and then replacing the negative self-talk with positive self-talk," she said.
"Most important piece of advice: Don't let your shame be so loud that it talks you out of talking to a professional about it."
Next steps
Dealing with chronic shame can be debilitating and exacerbate other mental health issues, and it's not always appropriately addressed.
Even recognizing it can be difficult, evidenced by my years of feeling "guilty" about not being enough when I was really feeling shame about who I was. I still struggle with feeling shame in nearly everything I do.
Understanding how shame works, however, has helped me understand where my emotions are coming from. It's always been difficult to be kind to myself, but it's heartening to learn that self-compassion is the treatment for shame.
The next time I'm starting to spiral into shame, maybe I can remember what I learned here, and treat myself with a bit more kindness.
The help of a trained therapist in this situation cannot be overstated, and I still have a lot of work to do. But recognizing shame for what it is, and understanding compassion's role in healing, has moved me one step closer.
Read the article here.
#rewire#guilt#shame#embarrassment#free therapy#mental health#mental illness#mental wellness#mood disorders#anxiety#depression#bpd#bipolar disorder#ocd#ptsd#trauma#you got this#you can do it#you matter#you're worthy#you're enough#keep going
14 notes
·
View notes
Note
Why do ppl watch other ppl play dnd I don’t get it. Why not just play?
why do people watch other people play dnd?
it’s fun! I wouldn’t have understood how much fun it could be before I watched it but it really is a lot of fun. you get to watch a group of friends enjoy each other’s company and trust each other enough to make something really great together, and mutually create an epic story that comes from something completely on the spot as well as a DM that plans out a larger world purely out of love for the genre and the act of storytelling. It’s a true labour of love that is shared between friends and then extended and shared with the rest of the world to make a really nice little community full of creativity and for the most part, love. It’s a lovely thing to be a part of. And because it’s improv based no one knows what’s going to happen, not even the cast, which makes for some very authentic real live reactions which I gotta say is genuinely something special to watch. It’s very refreshing coming from scripted shows with a writers room that inevitably end up being a big disappointment more often than not because even if actors want something to happen in the shows, the writers often shut it down and there’s no room for collaboration or creativity outside of that. at least with something like dnd players can steer things the way they might want them to be or talk outside the game with their friends about what they might have an idea of happening and there’s that collaboration that so many things are missing.
In terms of critical role (because I haven’t watched any other live dnd games) the cast have a lot to do with it’s general success and why it’s so popular, having a cast so loveable, so receptive to fans, and so clearly enjoying themselves helps a lot. watching other people have fun doing something they love with people they love is just pure joy.
why don’t people play it themselves?
many people do! there’s enjoyment in watching and enjoyment in playing. but to speak on those that don’t play it (I can only speak to what is personal to me and from what I’ve seen other people say) there are many reasons:
1. you need a group of friends, some people simply don’t have that, and even if they do it requires you all to be in the same place at the same time, even if not physically, you have to schedule time in and it’s a lot of commitment and organising to keep a campaign going.
2. certain health issues whether it be physical or mental may mean people can’t play. I know a lot of people who play online with strangers as that is their only way to play, but some people can’t/don’t want to do that for anxiety reasons, for example.
3. people might just not want to as they get enough out of it just by watching.
I mean ultimately the same question can be asked about many things: why do people watch sports or gamers online but not play the games themselves? why do some do both? each has their own merits and there are many reasons why someone may do one and not the other, but either way there can be a lot of enjoyment in both.
#critical role#dnd#like critical role has some of the best lgbt rep i've seen and a cast that genuinely cares and respects it's relationships#it allows time and energy in the whole process so that no one is left out#where else do you get that?#many people watch it for combat and action etc which is fine although that's not for me#i watch it for the relationships that are deeply entrenched in every interaction and that are given the actual time of day to shine!#i came from watching twd that didn't respect that AT ALL and was constantly begging for crumbs from relationships that THEY set up only to#completely forget about or disregard#now i feel like i've hit the jackpot#and that's not to say it will never disappoint me but it's a far cry away from begging for scraps like before#like you CAN actually have a much larger story AND well thought out characters AND relationships that are given the attention and respect t#that they deserve#YOU CAN ACTUALLY HAVE IT ALL#the only negative is that seeing people have so much fun with their friends like that makes me so envious that i don't also have a group of#friends of my own to do that with#so sorry this got so long but apparently i could talk about this forever#Anonymous#asks
39 notes
·
View notes
Text
was that rudy pankow spotted in the lobby of the infamous arconia hotel? must just be jonathan weber the twenty-three year old writer. whenever i hear seventeen going under by sam fender it reminds me of them. they are known for being inattentive and cynical but they make up for that by being gentle and supportive. they have been living at the arconia for three months. we do hope they keep their music at a reasonable level.
penned by b, twenty-two, they/them.
trigger warning - brief descriptions of abuse, mental health issues and suicide under the cut.
his father was a bad man. he used to be thankful that he had at least one parent after his mother left him as an infant, but with the abuse he endured growing with each year he was no longer able to consider himself thankful for anything.
why would she leave me behind with someone so cruel?
he was conditioned to it. his father ran his business from their home, the work being criminal, his co-workers people that shouldn’t have been trusted around the small jonathan.
hey kid, want to try beer? hey kid, can you say the word fuck? hey kid, want to watch this video with us? hey kid, shut the fuck up and stop crying!
basic care was given, though not as much as jon needed. he was often a sick, hungry, upset, terrified little child. independence was given far too soon, punishment given when there was any concern or complaint.
what the fuck do you want me to do about it? if you’re old enough to walk and talk, you’re old enough to do it yourself. get out of my way.
as he grew, so did the level of abuse he received. his father began to punish him even when he did no wrong - when he did nothing - and soon physical violence was jonathan’s norm. in a state of perpetual fright, jonathan tried his best to stay silent and simply obey. this behaviour extended to how he acted around others, in school for example.
jonathan is so weird. have you ever heard him speak? i’ve never heard him speak. he’s just always sitting in the back of the room like that. i don’t even see him in the caf for lunch.
at the age of seventeen, the abuse became too much. he attempted to take his own life, seeing no other way out, not knowing at all where to go or how to even live a life free of the treatment. his attempt failed, and he was hospitalised for weeks for his injuries.
i know i said he was weird, but i would have never expected him to do something like that...
after learning news spread, jonathan was deeply ashamed, but he was more terrified than anything. one visit from his father taught him that he was going to be in the most trouble upon returning home. jonathan never returned home.
i guess i’ll find a cash only job and buy what i need on my way out of here.
new york city. he lived with a friend he met on the road, someone who was escaping their own shameful past. they lived in a one room apartment, worked the strangest jobs, and there jonathan got to finally live.
so this is what it feels like to be free, huh? so this is what a real smile feels like? so this is what... love feels like?
his relationship with his friend grew and developed into something more. jonathan grew with them alongside of him, he learnt who he truly was as a person, he began to do things he enjoyed and learnt that he was quite the writer.
what do you mean your book is getting published? jon, you’ve never written anything before in your life! are you seriously telling me that your big break is the very first book you’ve ever written? what are the odds... you truly are incredible.
their relationship didn’t last, though they remain friends and something so special to each other. jonathan became hooked on writing from the second he finished his first page. he moved to the arconia, a fresh scene and a fresh pace, hoping to find more inspiriation amongst the chaos there.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
My 6+1 favorite SPN fics: AU
After the SPN finale I kinda got sucked back into the fandom. The excessive amount of fanfiction reading ensued (I re-read all of my SPN fic favorites and then some) and I realised I have actually read quite a lot of them. So I thought I could share them, to highlight all the talented authors there is and also to gather all of my favorites into the one place. This post contain my favorite AU fics, the SPN universe edition of this fic rec can be found here.
Ninety One Whiskey by komodobits
“In the spring of 1944, the 104th Medical Battalion of the United States Army is disbanded, and its men reassigned to various infantry companies in preparation for their invasion of occupied France. For First Lieutenant Novak, this is less than helpful, as he has so far met his platoon’s designated medic a grand total of twice, and has both times found Sergeant Winchester to be the optimum combination of reckless, arrogant, and downright insufferable so as to make cohesive platoon function near impossible. When the time comes to move out, however, Castiel has to reconcile himself to the fact that men are going to go down and trust that Dean Winchester may well be the only person who can put them back together again. WW2 ETO infantry AU. “
READ! THIS! Well, there is some really disturbing war related and time period related stuff, but if you can stomach that, read it! Along with the Angel’s Wild, this is my favorite fanfiction. This fic is heart wrenching and so, so good.The characterization is on point. Historical accuracy is on point. Slow burn is on point. Everything is just perfect. However, as I said, this fic is heavy stuff. There is some serious angst (I cried. I almost never cry when reading) and trauma. But there is glimmers of hope, even if sometimes it feels hopeless. Expected recovery time: at least two weeks. Word Count: 401,183. Explicit
Angel’s wild by LimonadeGaby and riseofthefallenone
“But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels.
Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right?
That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.”
This was first longer fic that I read from Supernatural fandom and I fell in love. So this is “the fic that got me into the fandom” but I have read it multiple times since and it is still very, very good. I love everything about this fic. It is very original and the lore is amazing. I love how Dean and Cas are both quite young (in Cas’s case, relatively speaking) and how their love develops (slow burn! <3) I love how Cas is described and I love how he communicates (unintentionally) with flowers. You can also read this without having any knowledge of supernatural series (like I did) which is always impressive for a fic. Wor count: 389, 271. Explicit
For All You Young Hockey Players Out There, Pay Attention by thursdaysfallenangel
“Dean Winchester knows two things about hockey, two things his dad made sure he knew. One, hockey is a guy’s sport, and two, hockey is family. Hockey meant Sam and Bobby and Benny and Victor and Gabriel and hell, his entire team. So when Victor gets traded, Russian-star-turned-new-teammate Castiel Krushnic becomes a threat. As much as Dean hates him for that, the longer he sticks around, the more he begins to threaten that first rule too. Dean’s been taught his whole life that those who play hockey should not be captivated by deep accented voices and the way a guy handles his stick, so how the hell is he supposed to justify what he’s starting to think about Cas? All Dean wanted at the beginning of the season was to win, and now all he wants to do is figure out how he feels about Cas and how to deal with it without ruining his career and tearing his family apart. “
Ah, three of my absolute favourite things smashed into the same fic: sports, slow burn and enemies to lovers. This fic has lots of cameos from supernatural characters, because hockey teams require lots of players. So it is easy to spot your favorite character in this fic. This fic is probably one of may favorites, because of the sport environment (Outside the fandom, I have been super into sports. Like so much I have several national championships medals from my sport. Anyway, not a point here): also the sexual tension between Dean and Cas is so good, especially when they are pumped with the adrenaline. You don’t really need to understand sports to enjoy this fic, though. Word count: 143,592. Explicit
Formula Won by cardinalwrites
“Of all the places Castiel Novak thought he would take in his career, an internship as a Formula One Paddock Correspondent (or journalist, for short) was most definitely not one of them for a few reasons. One: He had no clue what the hell Formula One was. Two: He knew nothing about sports in general. And Three: He should not fall in love with the people he’s supposed to be asking hard-hitting questions to, least of all the head driver of one of the oldest and most well-renowned teams in the sport’s history.
This is a love story told around the world through the eyes of the person that knows the least about where he has found himself in. Come follow a 20-race season finding love in the lost, learning the truth, and figuring out what the hell Formula One is along the way.”
Another sports fic with a slow burn. This is probably not everyone’s cup of tea, because there is quite a lot information about formula one, and the reading experience is more enjoyable if already know about formulas/do your research. Don’t let it stop you though, because this fic is very good. The friendship between Dean and Cas is very natural, and later the romance as well. The plot is very engaging and the drama inside the formula one organization is so good. This fic is also not so “heavy” as the other ones in my list (of course, there are problems along the way, but even the fic’s tags say there will be fluff). The rating is T, which is kinda surprising, because I did not notice it until I already had read the whole fic. Word count: 123,777. Teen
Have Love, Will Travel by squeemonster
Castiel Novak is a reclusive writer with a childhood so tragic it's left him terrified to leave his home—until his overbearing brother, Gabriel, drags him out for a night on the town full of booze and strip clubs, and he encounters Dean Winchester, a mesmerizing and mysterious stripper with secrets of his own. Both men find themselves inexplicably drawn to each other, and soon Dean's private dances for Castiel become much more, as both men confess their troubles and find solace in each other's company. But neither can seem to find the courage to take their relationship further than the intimacy of the club's VIP Room—and just when Dean's own brother gives him the excuse he needs to finally admit his feelings, Dean discovers something that brings it all crumbling down. Will they find a way past their demons and their trust issues, and back to each other?
This is one of the fandom classics and quite rightfully so. Both Dean and Cas have issues, in other words: what’s new? The sexual chemistry between them was so good and well written, but there is also angst and mental health issues (mostly Cas). Sam is quite young in this fic, but manages to be very much a little brother. I honestly loved this fic when I was a bit younger, but I think it is still very good and deserves its place in this list. Word count 94,054. Explicit
Pick It All Up by thepinupchemist
Army veteran Castiel Novak is a wreck after his tour in Afghanistan, brought home to his brother's apartment in Lawrence, Kansas with scars both mental and physical. He copes poorly, and during one night of bad decision making, meets somebody just as much of a disaster as he is -- a prostitute named Dean Winchester. And suddenly, two damaged men might not be as irreparable as they believed.
Ah, it seems that I’m incapable of picking nice, fluffy, happy fanfics. This certainly is not one of them. There is full warnings in the tags, because there is some triggering stuff: PTSD, mentions of past abuse, alcoholism etc. But, this is also very healing story in its own way (It has happy ending. I guess I can spoil that because it reads in the tags) . I avoided this fic for a long time, because the prostitute!Dean tag scared me away, but this was so worth of reading (as I said, happy ending)! Gabriel is super supportive and sweet brother and Dean and Cas are dysfunctional but they work so well despite all the trauma they have endured. Word count: 126,611. Explicit
Bonus: Twist and Shout by gabriel and standbyme
What begins as a transforming love between Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak in the summer of 1965 quickly derails into something far more tumultuous when Dean is drafted in the Vietnam War. Though the two both voice their relationship is one where saying goodbye is never a real truth, their story becomes fraught with the tragedy of circumstance. In an era where homosexuality was especially vulnerable, Twist and Shout is the story of the love transcending time, returning over and over in its many forms, as faithful as the sea.
Well, I don’t think this fic needs any introductions. This is the fic, the most popular in SPN fandom and one of the most popular ones in the whole ao3. I thought that I could read this, because I don’t generally have many triggers, despite all the warnings. I was a wreck during reading. And I have managed to read it once and I can’t make myself read it again. But it is good and amazingly written. This fic plucks every emotion out of you and does anything it pleases with them. You have been warned. Word count: 97,556. Explicit
(When I wrote this fic rec I also realised I have a serious problem with long fics. Like, most of my favorites are at least 100,000 words. At this point I think I don’t even consider a fic to be slow burn, unless it takes several days to complete the fic. Oops)
#supernatural fic rec#destiel fic rec#supernatural fanfiction#destiel fanfiction#destiel slow burn#supernatural#destiel
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
Pacifism Isn’t A Character Trait
Or: MLK Day is Upon Us so Let Me Do You a Learn
Or: As An Aang Stan I Got a Bit Over-Zealous But Lemme Explain Why For A Hot Minute
Plus some History and Tumblr commentary that even non-ATLA fans can chew on
And by ‘hot minute’ I do mean this is going to be a long meta, so strap in.
For those of you who just might be tuning into this debacle, I, a person who has not used Tumblr, much at all, except for the last half year, ran into some trouble.
If you wanna skip the whole TLDNR interpersonal stuffs and get straight to Why Aang is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, I will embolden the relevant parts, and italicize the crit of Korra, if you want that alongside.
I was excited that ATLA was seeing a resurgence due to the Netflix remake. I wasn’t even trying to apply any steep expectations for it. (learned not to do that the hard way with the last live action adaption, and to a much lesser extent, ATLOK, since it had good . . . elements, *ba dum tsshh*)
So, these are a couple aspects of the issue: (1) Even on the internet, I am extremely introverted and until recently mostly came for content, not socializing. My main online interactions thus far have been in forums and artist-to-artist on DA. Tumblr is still very strange to me because it splits up its ‘threads’ so you can’t see all the replies if a certain pattern of users responds in their own space. I’m not even 100% sure it’s in chronological order, and replies are not nested next to each other so you can look in the comments and someone will be replying to something you can’t see in that window. And also since it is a bizarre hybrid of a blogging system, posts are somehow considered ‘owned by’ or an ‘extension of’ OP in a way forum threads are not. (2) ATLOK was good in a cinematic and musical way, to be sure. It also had some good concepts. I can go into it just appreciating it for the worldbuilding and be somewhat satisfied. But the execution was terrible. I was on AvatarSpirit.Net for years, and If I had maintained my presence on ASN to current day and had gotten around to downloading their archive now that the forum is dead, I would include some links to other peoples’ detailed analyses on just how flawed both the plotting and Korra’s frustratingly flat learning curve was especially in the first two seasons. But, that is a task for another day, and only if people are interested.
No, what I’m addressing today, on the issue of Korra as a writing exercise, is how Mike and Bryan said specifically they wanted to make her ‘as opposite to Aang as possible’ and in so doing, muddied the central theme of the original ATLA series.
Now, again, I was mainly an art consumer for my first major round of ATLA fandom. Tumblr is an alien beast to me. But, after I write my first major Aang meta, talking about how amazing it is that he has the attitude he does, and how being content in the face of this overwhelming pain and suffering is an ONGOING PROCESS and an INTENTIONAL DECISION and not a simple PERSONALITY TRAIT, I start hearing that Aang gets a lot of hate from the fandom. Now this would be bad enough if it were merely people not liking his crowning moment of pacifism because they don’t understand the potential utility (I’ll elaborate on that in another post) or the ethics involved.
Aang is easily the most adult member of the Gaang. But he apparently gets hate for his few moments where he actually acts his age, a preteen, and maybe kisses a girl in a historical timeframe in which ‘consent’ discussions were probably nonexistent. Even in the present day, we are still practically drowned in movies that reinforce this kissing without asking trope. And even some female bodied people complain that asking kills the mood! But somehow he is responsible and reprehensible for this, even though the first time she kissed him back. I’m only going to get into the pacifism discussion today, but that was just another layer of annoyance bouncing around in the back of my head.
Other peoples’ crit of Korra that was stewing in my subconscious, plus this Aang bashing, which thankfully I had not directly read much of, made up the backdrop of gasoline for the match that set it off.
Even that seems a pretty melodramatic way to phrase what I actually said, which was:
Aang, on the other hand, lost dozens of father figures and was being steamrolled by Ozai who was gloating about genocide TO HIS FACE, yet he still reigned in all that quote, ‘unbelievable rage and pain’ (The Southern Raiders).
We Stan Aang, the Superior Avatar. No I did not f**king stutter.
#AangSupremacy
In another meta, someone complained that I was too defensive of Aang as a character and didn’t apply literary analysis enough, which I quickly rectified.
What set this off? Someone was kind of indirectly praising the line from Korra,
“When I get out of here, none of you will survive”
To them it was emotionally resonant or whatever, and I have to point out that no, it was a martial artist not having control of their state of mind, as is the bedrock of the practice. It was never addressed by the narrative, which is a severe oversight.
I had a conversation with someone in the chats, making this distinction between Korra’s character traits and life philosophy. If she were to kill people while enraged and she was fine with that, that’s one thing. But if she regretted it, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. People argue that she comes from a warrior culture, unlike Aang.
Never mind that warrior monks are a thing. That’s what Shaolin monks are. You can be a pacifist and skilled at fighting. Those things are not mutually exclusive, which is the whole point of Bagua, Aang’s style.
And also, Katara’s style.
That’s one reason I like Kataang so much- their congruent styles. Both of their real world martial arts are dedicated to pacifism, even though ATLA specifically doesn’t spell that out for Katara and her learning arc.
There was a meta where someone briefly tried to argue that knowing “martial arts” is against pacifism. No. Quite the opposite.
I’d argue that you are not a true pacifist unless you know exactly how to handle yourself if someone attacks you.
If you are not in a position to make conscious decisions about how much force to use, rather than merely operating on survival instincts, that is not pacifism. Or at least, not any energy or effort towards pacifism as a practical everyday tool.
I’ve made a few attempts to learn some tai chi and aikido, and it’s improved my physical and mental health, but some other things have gotten in the way. #lifegoals
I’m not going to tag the unfortunate soul whom I was replying to, because they’re probably tired of all this, but I’ll be sending them a PM to say that I’ve made this into a different post, because as I mentioned before, threads are somehow considered “owned” by OP, so it’s been pointed out to me that I should separate it.
I also said,
I have basically ZERO respect for Korra uttering violent threats when the writers already minted a far more emotionally devastated and yet still resilient and centered character earlier in their franchise.
People always try to excuse away people who genuinely like Aang more.
As if it’s just nostalgia or whatever. For me, no, it’s absolutely not. It is respect for a character who stands toe to toe with real people who are kind in the face of overwhelming injustice. (I have another meta on that).
Both OP and people in the chats try to make excuses that she wasn’t raised as a pacifist, and that would be fine if they had addressed it with Tenzin and she had stated outright that she was rejecting pacifism and mind training. As it is, we are left with this nebulous affair where the lines between ideology and personality traits are blurred.
We are told she “has trouble with spirituality” but what does that even mean? Does she have trouble with focus? Does she have trouble relating to the canonically real spirits? And pacifism specifically nor inner peace that it flows from is never even talked about as an extension of spirituality, which is canonically tied to airbending.
“Aang didn't have to deal once with the loss of his autonomy in atla” OP claims.
This was after I had noted that Aang was getting kicked around by Ozai and was most likely going to die.
Similarly, someone in the chat rejected the idea that a 12 year old trapped in a stone sphere that is heating up under a cyclone-sized blowtorch feels powerless.
Sorry but that’s flat out ridiculous.
No one wants to admit that both of these people were faced with similar situations, and when push came to shove, one showed his LIFE PHILOSOPHY through conscious effort, and the other was abandoning the basis of martial arts, which is, no matter what the situation, keep thinking. Hold the panic at bay. Non-attachment would have served her well in this situation. Tenzin should have told her this. Before, or afterwards. It should have been addressed in the writing.
People see this as “bashing” Korra, and oh well, can’t help that. If I think the writers didn’t follow through on their themes, that is my concern.
OP said I was “offended.” No, not really.
I wasn’t offended by the post itself, or its commentary. Thought I made that pretty clear.
This is not dramatics. Let me be blunt.
As a ideological pacifist, and an actual practitioner of meditation, based on Buddhism, NOT just the fan of some show, I am for calling out writers who write one way from the survivor of genocide, and then stray from that ‘thoughtless aggression is immoral no matter HOW hurt I am’ to ‘let’s not address this character’s aggression in the narrative whatsoever.’
OP attempted to derail by accusing me of being racist or sexist against Korra. Also ridiculous. It honestly should have set me off more, but it didn’t.
Meditation is about reigning in your emotions. Managing your anger when it gets out of hand, and digging down to the roots of it. Being responsible for your own behavoir. Acknowledging ownership of your own actions. Not blaming anything YOU DO on anyone else or any circumstances in your life. Like an adult, or should I say, an enlightened adult.
Or at the very least, that is the ideal ypu strive towards while being imperfect in the present.
. . .
Now.
I’m going to quote a passage in a Google Doc of mine, even though I’d really prefer if you asked to read the whole thing, with context.
“What do humans do when it is necessary to, or greed makes a nation want to recruit?
They go to the army to get trained, right?
Granted, having someone scream and get spittle on your face is, in the grand scheme of things, poor preparation for having bullets whiz past your chest and grenades shatter your ears. And, what do you do to prepare you for the pain of getting your leg blown off? Hopefully, nothing. Like taking a test where you only got half the study guide. But, it’s about the most ethical way to go about it, right?
Not everyone even sees action. So any more more extensive mental preparation for physical pain than that, and you’d have people definitely protesting.
Well, as it turns out, pacifistic protestors themselves, if they were in the right time and place, also very intentionally do this type of mind training. Except, when they did it, they actually did sit still and took turns roughly grabbing each other and throwing each other down and in some cases, even kicking and bruising each other.
Turns out, those pacifists are, in some ways, more hardcore than the army.
Why is this?
Because a pacifist’s aim, unlike a unit, who wants to gain the upper hand in a situation, is to grit their teeth and grind their way through all those survival instincts, and totally submit.
In this, they aim to get the sympathy of the public, who clearly sees they are not aggressive, or a danger, no matter how much the footage is manipulated or suppressed.
In this, they hope to appeal to their attacker’s better nature.
Make them stop and think, wait a second, are these people a threat like we’re told they are? I’m attacking someone who’s letting me beat them up. Or a bunch of people. All forming a line, and letting us peel them off. Or sitting, and bowing their heads. If I’m on the ‘right’ side of things, the law, why am I doing this?
It’s not like a bully, who’s just a kid.” They’re more self-aware.
And might I add the situation influences a pacifist’s actions too. There’s no reason to let a single or a few random attackers beat you up if you can evade or disable without permanent damage.
Pacifism is a dynamic set of responsive actions informed by values. Not a proscribed set or a checklist.
But in terms of organizing against state power, and recording wrongdoing, which unlike during the Civil Rights can happen from all angles from smart phones nowadays, these are the motivations.
“So, the pacifist knows this, and that’s why they go through all that trouble of training themselves to, not only submit, but not turn tail and run, either.”
See, a character trait is something like being a morning person, or ways of handing information, or a given set of emotions a character feels. Once you cross over into actions, you must make the distinction of whether an impulsive character agrees with their own uncontrolled actions, or is embarrassed or remorseful. Those are life philosophy. Now sure, one type of person or character may be more likely to subscribe to pacifism, but there is no gatekeeping on what you have to feel or how you look at things. You can be easygoing, or feel all the rage in the world, but as long as you at least attempt to have a handle on those desires and feelings to where they do not cross into actions, you are still doing the work of metacognition, which is what martial arts and its accompanying mind training are for.
It’s what we see Aang do.
He’s informed us, during the Southern Raiders, on how much rage and pain he feels.
Pain points, TRIGGERS, that were directly struck at when Ozai gloated over him.
He joins with all the past Avatars for several moments, and just like every other time he is in the Avatar State, he is enraged. He wants to exact revenge on the unrepentant grandson of a baby murderer.
We see it when he turns his head away, face still screwed up in anger.
For another example, I could cite my difficulties in being aware and reining in my tongue sometimes. I know the roots of these issues and I seek to let them go.
It’s just that process takes way longer than Guru Pathik would have us assume.
In fact, I would even say that Aang’s portrayal throughout the three seasons is not strictly a realistic representation of at least the sad side of grief. I addressed that a little when I talked about real life figures. But what it IS, is a metaphor that cuts very deep to the heart of pacifism. As I showed in that Doc . . . There is no limit of suffering a pacifist is willing to go through, internal or external, for the preservation of peace.
This was demonstrated during the Civil Rights, and with Gandhi and all his followers beforehand, inspiring them. The pacifists’ method of swaying hearts is probably the reason BLM exists in such numbers as it does today. Will the types of narratives that correspond with their full stories of the way they collectively planned and trained for and approached conflict make it into fantasy media? I’d say, probably not. For a host of reasons.
It could be hoped for, I guess.
But we DO have Aang.
As for myself, whether speaking sharply is an “action,” per se is up for debate- certainly it doesn’t seem to violate the non-aggression principle put forth by the vision of a “stateless society.”
For another example, let’s take my explanation at the beginning. I am examining how circumstances affected my actions, and now am attempting to fix it, if indeed it needs to be fixed.
At least one person said that it not so much what I said, but how and when I said it. I don’t actually think I’ve said anything “wrong” per se. So I have to figure it out.
[I’m considering splitting up this next part into a second post, as it only slightly relates to pacifism itself and is just kinda some more commentary on Tumblr itself- Tumblr discourse, as it were]
[I’ll put more brackets when I’m done in case you want to skip this part as well]
An interesting social difference between Tumblr and other places is this command you often get, “don’t chat/reblog/message me back.”
This is interesting for several reasons. For chats and reblogs, other people may be following the “conversation,” so it’s actually pretty rude and presumptuous to tell a person not to respond to whatever you said, because other people watching still may be interested in your take.
In a forum setting, if someone involved in a conversation doesn’t have anything left to say, usually they just don’t respond.
This method would work perfectly fine for Tumblr, but for some reason, maybe its super odd format, probably due to the “ownership”/“extension of self” I mentioned at the beginning of the essay, people don’t tend to do this.
Now, in comment sections, sometimes you’ll run across an amusing sort of “mutually assured destruction” where two people both say this to each other. You’d better stop responding. Omg just give up. Why are you still arguing. Etc.
But see, no matter where this behavoir pops up, and no matter who starts in on it, those who do this usually want to have the last say on the matter.
Instead of merely not replying, they want to assert verbal control over the conversation.
Tumblr, in its weirdness, is also sort of like a mutant comments section. You can post comment section threads as your own post.
Which is one reason why I’m puzzled when people say ‘don’t read the comment sections’ when Tumblr is so popular.
I’m an oddball in that I browse comment sections for fun.
Probably due to alexithymia, I didn’t really comprehend the emotional toll it takes on many people, so the warnings to “stay out of comment sections” read to me like “hey don’t eat that dessert.” After I’m done with the ‘meal’ of an article or art, I like to see what lots of different people have to say about it. The fluff. Anything vitriolic I either blip over, or extract anything useful, or if I judge the person is reasonable enough, I might engage.
Sometimes I mis-judge on how reasonable someone is, and I shrug and move on after being cussed out or whatever.
In this, I suppose I succeed much of the time in being a verbal pacifist.
[But let’s get back to the more serious stuff.]
We’re talking about what is done in life or death situations, here.
For myself, I may in the near future be working more with dangerously mentally ill people. I’ve had a little exposure to it through various means. Nurses are obligated not to retaliate against patients, and those who have, have been fired in some situations. Again oddly, this is not primarily what triggers my anxiety. Unfortunately enough, this requirement has also resulted in nurses getting seriously injured and violated. I hope to influence whether “no harm” techniques such as tai chi and aikido and arm locks may be allowed. The voluntary philosophy I was luckily already on board with is enforced by bureauacracy, directly relevant to my potential profession.
Were someone to get involved in a dangerous profession, such as a police officer, their moral duty would also be to own up to any spur of the moment anger or fear they acted on.
It’s just that their bureaucracy acts differently, in excusing their actions.
Ideally, they would be taking steps far in advance, to avoid this often-cited fear of death reaction. As training pacifists like Aang do.
And yes, army people are trained differently than police officers because the army, often, even when threatened, is supposed to avoid engagement or deploy deterrents that are non-lethal almost all costs, unless ordered otherwise. Whereas American police are given pretty much complete discretion and often not taught de-escalation techniques. Even police from other nations are better trained in that regard.
Enter the ironically named @avatarfandompolice whose account description should really speak for itself. Combative, dismissive, and their attention-hungry bread and butter is to find people they think it’s acceptable to ridicule.
They basically tried to say trauma was a valid excuse to take out your anger on other people, and in this situation, potentially kill.
Now, does this hold up in the real world? Yeah, sometimes. Especially if some law breaker or law keeper has not been given the anger management tools, they perhaps could be excused, or better yet, rehabilitated.
But especially if anyone finds themselves in dangerous situations, or intends to put themselves in such, it falls to them to do this preparation.
As an aphant, I am at a bit of a disadvantage, compared to an average martial artist, being unable to visualize an attacker. But I still attempt it.
As the main “police officer” of the world- the coincidentally blue clad figurehead that is supposed to keep order, it is apparently fine for Korra to not do the work Aang did to keep level. To blow it off as too much trouble: clearing the First Chakra of fear. For herself or others. And its resultant anger. Had she had access to the Avatar State, the authority figure pretty much would have killed people.
This is what the “fandom police” and a certain chat goer ultimately support. Maybe they didn’t understand it that way, and since the second had blocked me, they will also never see this explanation. Unless I were to share it in Google Doc form I suppose.
So, I responded. “Remember kids, you are not responsible for your own behavior if you have the excuse that someone else did something bad to you.”
A frighteningly common sentiment on this site.
When it’s low stakes like CAPSLOCKING or internet fights, that’s not such a big deal. But what happens if this attitude leaks into the real world?
This isn’t even about Korra or Aang anymore, it’s about toxic mindsets.
I didn’t know fans taking pro-Korra posts as anti-Aang was a common in the fandom. I’ll say again I’ve only just gotten really active on Tumblr like the past few months.
This is about pacifism itself.
MLK and his hardworking, training followers (yes some of them sixteen and POC and not super-powered like Korra) facing down firehoses and staging sit-ins long trained for would shake their heads at this defense of reactionism.
Pacifism is not a Personality Trait.
It is deliberate actions and preparation taken over a period of time.
Then the “fandom police” tried more of this, and these two conversations ensued, the comments with another user resulting in the title and main thesis of this essay:
https://captlok.tumblr.com/post/638777472806273024/avatarfandompolice-response-to-my-independent
https://captlok.tumblr.com/post/638806142933467136/the-plight-was-not-what-i-was-getting-at-it-was
36 notes
·
View notes
Text
My Thoughts
Extended Author’s Note for ‘I Love You & I Hate You So Much’
**Warnings: I get personal talking a little bit about my own mental health struggles. Go ahead and skip reading this if that is a trigger for you or you’re just uninterested. <3
Hi Friends,
I wanted to give some of my own feedback and commentary on a fic series I finished and posted this afternoon. The series is ‘I Love You & I Hate You So Much’ and it’s a three part-angst fest. I received this request a while back and knew from how detailed it was, that I would have either a VERY long one shot or I would have to make it into a series. When I started, I wrote this almost exactly as was requested, but by the end of it, I deviated a bit. If you haven’t read the series yet, I won’t give any spoilers here, but the fic is very angsty and dramatic. I would also say that you see a side of Dean that you don’t see often, especially, in fanfiction. He’s not our hero in this story. Before I go on, here are the links to read the series if you would like to pause and catch up. If not, no worries, I won’t spoil anything.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3
Anyway, writing this was a challenge for me for a few reasons. I think the biggest challenge was that this particular story made me realize that as a writer, my characters come to life and take on their own personality and temperaments. I think every writer puts some of themself in a story but by the end, their characters aren’t them. They may have pieces and parts that are similar but a character is their own person, albeit fictional one. Of course, I knew this but I never thought about it this deeply before. For example, if I receive a request for a reader to complete a certain task or act a certain way with other characters, I try to think about the why behind it. What happened in their past to make them behave this way? What makes this character tick? I try to put myself in this person’s shoes and see life differently.
With that being said, I struggled with writing this particular story because I couldn’t relate to the reader or with the events that happened at all. As I wrote, there were arguments, things that were said, that I would never handle in the same way in my own relationships. Specific actions were taken that I would never have done myself but as I wrote, it felt natural to write it that way for the reader. Also, as I said before, you see a side of Dean that I found to be really difficult to describe because my instinct is for our beloved Winchester to be the good guy, without fail, all the time. (Well, maybe except for demon Dean!)
Out of all of my works, this particular series has received the longest, most thought out and opinionated, commentary. And I think that is mainly because of Dean’s words and actions, as well as, the events that happen in the story. With that being said, I love that something I have written made so many people think and feel so many different emotions. I really enjoy reading your guys’ comments and all of the different perspectives and opinions. It’s so exciting to me when someone takes the time to do it, even if I don’t agree with what was said.
Another reason I found this to be difficult to write was my mental and emotional state. I love reading and writing dark and angsty stories but this one got to me quite a bit. Like many others, I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have a very low opinion of myself and am always my biggest critic. I have struggled with body image and low self-esteem issues since I was kid, hence my low opinion. As I have gotten older, my low opinions have migrated away from the physical and are mostly internal. You know, the “I’m stupid or I don’t matter” thoughts. Anyway, when I left my job a few weeks ago it only took a few days for me to feel restless and uneasy. Did I make the right decision? What am I going to do now? I kept busy with housework, writing, working on my website, and doing research but still felt like a failure because I wasn’t making money. I started to get lost in my head and my own self loathing because I felt like a burden. I’m not doing enough. I’m not contributing financially. By the way, If you’re still reading this, I want you to know that I’m okay, or at least I will be. The point of me sharing all this is that I have been in a dark place and writing a dark and angsty fic with what’s going on in my head was really hard. (I almost deleted this whole paragraph but screw it. We should talk about mental health more, not less. So there it is.)
Anyways, even as I finished the series, I wasn’t satisfied. I had/have my own thoughts and opinions on the events that happened and how Dean and the reader treated each other. As I wrote it, a big part of me was saying “No! They forgave too fast, too easily! She needs to fight more!” but my writer’s brain told me to look at the events in the readers eyes. It wasn’t about me or my thoughts, it was about her and what she needed and/or wanted. (I hope that makes sense.) Also, my intention was to leave the ending a little ambiguous. Will they work it out and get back together again? Will they just stay friends? Or maybe, will they accept each other’s apologies but go their separate ways? I don’t know, so you can decide!
So there are my thoughts without giving any spoilers away. It was a rough ride and I don’t even know how I feel about the ending yet but I wanted to thank you guys. Thank you for taking the time to read my stuff and thank you for your messages, comments, reblogs, and recommendations. I love you all so much, more than you know, and I appreciate each and every one of you.
P.S. I wrote what I call a brain cleanser. It’s a short oneshot called “Moving In.” It’s silly and fun with no character pairings or major plot. Also, I left it gender non-specific because, why not? There should be more fics like that and I’m trying to branch out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. It’s scheduled to post tomorrow, 4/20, at 6 AM.
Once again, I love you all. Thank you for driving me to create and remember, if you struggle with any kind of mental illness, always keep fighting.
xoxo -EJ
#dean winchester#dean winchester x reader#dean winchester angst#supernatural#supernatural fanfiction#Supernatural angst#spn fanfiction#spn angst#spn writers#authors note#mental health
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
to ask whether bruce wayne is more ‘batman’ or ‘brucie’ is like. the framework for the right question. but people answer it too simply. no one is just one thing. there is no one sentence that can define 80+ years of writers and artists across thousands of issues and universes and titles and cartoons and a dozen movies. but if i had to answer it---it would be this.
bruce wayne does not WANT to be bruce wayne. he wants to be something outside himself. he wants to be batman. with his whole heart and soul, he wants, he wants, he wants to be batman. he wants to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, he WANTS to be the hero that ‘fixes’ the impossible to fix gotham. he wants to be morally grey, and ruthless, a perfect, cold genius loner. who doesn’t want to be perfect? who doesn’t want to fix things, especially the things you build up in your head as your origin story, the source of all your trauma and pain and loneliness? what mentally ill person does not have a fixation---a persona or a hobby or a spiral of negative thoughts that they use to cope with the loneliness and pathology inside them---that they fixate on, at least occassionally, so fiercely they lose sight of the face that they’re supposed to show to the world?
bt u cant just stop being a human being. it doesn’t matter how much money you have, how traumatized you are. bruce is lucky---he has alfred, and then, mercifully, he has dick, who brings him back to his humanity, who reminds him that he has NEEDS above wants. food, water, sleep, companionship. bruce is at his best as a disabled character, crinkling grumpily around his chronic pain and the abuse and self-harm he’s put his own body through. despite being a billionaire---any working class blue collar person can relate to the hell that he puts himself through, to protect, to help, to stave off retirement to take care of his family and his children (the robins, but also everyone in gotham, every child and adult and criminal and civilian alike) a little longer.
but to be honest, more than any character with powers and invulnerability and thus the great power that begets great responsibility---bruce is literally painfully human, and has most of all a responsibility to himself and his family to do less and take care of himself and his emotional and physical needs first---not as batman, the symbol he wants to be, nor as ‘brucie’ the mask he uses to hide the disability that comes with batman and birthed batman---but as bruce wayne, the man, the father of robins and batgirls.
batman is a symbol, not a person. it’s a title. brucie is a nickname, and nicknames are used with particular people, to denote particular things. but under monikers and titles and symbols, we are all adult children trying to find out how to take care of ourselves without our parents. we are all desperately searching for meaning for our suffering, meaning that can make us ignore that vital task of the daily maintenance of being alive, and make it a little more bearable to remember ‘we have to live. we have to keep living. we have to choose to live, over and over again, in the most mundane and disgusting, boring ways, with every action we take to take care of ourselves and our relationships, and nothing else really matters, besides that we do the best that we can to be good, to be decent, to be kind, which is in many ways even harder.’
to define it in a sentence, if i have to, bruce wayne is a mentally ill, disabled, human person, like most of us are, in one way or another, and he, like all of us, want to be something more, a wish fulfillment fantasy that he stakes his whole life on, but bruce wayne, much to his own health and the health of his relationship’s unsteady decline, is much more successful at pretending to be an all-knowing negative coping skill god than most of us could ever hope to be.
his redemption for any flaw you percieve in him---any negative or abusive action he’s done in the comics---and there are a lot---can only come from first giving up on the fixation to be batman and to dwell in the shadows. to get better, bruce has to give up literal violence on his own body and other people’s bodies and focus on his other roles and responsibilities---what he actually owes to other people, instead of the predisposition towards violence and the revolving door of guilt he sees in his mind.
bruce wayne is bruce wayne, and once he extricates himself from brucie AND batman---he can begin to actually heal, and then, not fix---but deal---with what has actually been broken.
#[ hc: bruce. i am still eight years old watching my mother clutch her pearls so hard they snap off her neck. ]#[ ooc: hc. ]#[ fandom: dc. ]#[ fandom: superhero. ]
3 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
babysilverblog
Baby Silver
kumaonna
>:3
kumaonna
>:3
whatifgirl
2D Animator | Character Designer
magaprima
the first witch