Has it ever struck you that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quick you hardly catch it going?

―Tennessee Williams

Evil Cellphone

this evil cellphone won't stop tempting me.

...is it the cellphone or is it me?

micro-psalm 82

the mind You have given i have riven with distractions and now, torn by floods i feel the loss of communion; You are a body away yet near, even on this bereft island

all weather tears my frayed shirt mend me, o Healer of souls!

a monkey mind is a vagrant without an abode

&

a monk mind is a traveller with a destination.

- apollo

Little Book Review: Nonfiction Round-Up (May-December 2022)

Waking the Tiger by Peter A. Levine (1997): a self-help book with a somatic approach to dealing with trauma symptoms. It contained some advice that was useful at my old job. Unfortunately, I was too traumatized from said job to concentrate properly on the audiobook, so I was kind of in a Catch-22.

The Nineties by Chuck Klosterman (2022): A deliciously disconcerting series of essays about the fractured last decade of the twentieth century. It wins the coveted "book I'm most determined to lend to my mom" award.

Yes, I'm Hot in This by Huda Fahmy (2018): a cute collection of comics from Fahmy's Instagram, covering subjects from strangers being stupid about her hijab (hence the title) to lighthearted scenes of domestic life. I found it in a Little Library.

Unmask Alice by Rick Emerson (2022): an exploration of the life and writing career of Beatrice Sparks, author of multiple "real" diaries by troubled teens, through-and-through grifter, and coiner of the immortal phrase "freak wharf." This fucked, y'all. Emerson seamlessly delves into multiple topics of interest--Sparks's hardscrabble youth, the discovery of LSD, the Satanic Panic--with plenty of compassion and humor.

The Good Nurse by Charles Graeber (2013): the true-crime account of Charles Cullen, a Pennsylvania/New Jersey nurse who murdered possibly hundreds of patients by poisoning their IV bags in the late 1980s to early 2000s. The subject matter is shocking, and it's horrifying how the indifference of the large medical systems he worked for kept him from facing consequences other than getting fired for years. The style/organization of the book is kind of pedestrian, though.

Catch and Kill by Ronan Farrow (2019): an account of Farrow's efforts to write a story for NBC about the decades-long sexual predation of producer Harvey Weinstein, including NBC's sideways attempts to get him to back off. Farrow's a solid narrative writer, not great, and the book gets less interesting when he strays beyond the inner workings of NBC.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion (1968): In her first collection of essays, Didion talks about murder, movies, mental distress, and Sacramento. It's incredibly fresh in some ways (the essay where she talks about raising her daughter away from her extended family) and incredibly dated in others (her incredulity at people who ascribe artistic vision to Meet Me in St. Louis). I genuinely appreciate her ability to make me go "girl, what are you even talking about."

Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh (2020): an illustrated memoir/series of comics, focusing on coping with mental illness and the unexpected loss of a loved one. There are some very funny passages (particularly one involving a troublesome dog), some devastating ones (Brosh's montage of memories of her late younger sister), and some aimless ones.

Monkey Mind by Daniel Smith (2012): part memoir and part general information about anxiety (the science of it, how different people have written about it through history, etc.). It's more interesting as a memoir. I remember that it had some good advice at the end for managing anxiety, but I don't know for the life of me what it was. Still, I feel like I should give him credit for it.

You're exactly where you need to be, stop overanalyzing

You’re exactly where you need to be, stop overanalyzing

Society has messed us big time. Finding our worth in how much we have in the bank, how much accolades, success we collect…how fast, young we do it, how it looks to others, how much better we are than others…it’s all ego based. When you open your heart, and stay still with yourself a little longer you’ll notice that creation is finished. All your desires are already here. There’s nowhere to…

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There is so much valuable information in this book... so much to enlighten the mind

#JayShetty

today's purple album of the day is: Monkey Mind by Verneri Pohjola!

Video Poem: Roosevelt Boulevard North

Video Poem: Roosevelt Boulevard North

Many thanks to Scrittura for first publishing Roosevelt Boulevard North. It’s a poem about the monkey mind on the ride home from work. Video Poem, Roosevelt Boulevard North, by Mark Tulin

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Fast Or Slow?

I swear at one point, I was Alakazam. Or would feel like I imagine one would be. On top of the world, making decisions, on point with what people did and why, good judge of character, etc. The more life passes me by, the more I relate more to Slowpoke. Life, thoughts, relationships, everything gets slower and slower.

A slow thought process isn't so bad. Gives you more time to think things over. I wish that's all it was. Your brain literally gets slower. You forget more things. You slip on things that are usually routine. You forget an important date. You don't show up at a set time for something. Your gaming reflexes aren't what they used to be. It's not just getting older however. It's the weight of life's trials and tribulations and heavens forbid you've had a scenario or two where you can be like “it's the trauma” because then you really get messed up.

Blamed for too many things that aren't your fault. Yelled at because things aren't going a certain way. Yelled at because things are going a certain way but not quite as expected. Mental health not taken seriously in favor of academics. You just lose the desire to speak out, or hesitate to say anything anymore.

Even with all of the above being true and/or somewhat depressing, I embrace it. I prefer more times than not, to not live life in the fast lane. There are times where I've learned to value that and even embrace it. Life is for living, not for just paying bills, right? Any time I try and live a little it feels like a hard lesson or unexpected emergency is around the corner. I found myself making the same joke a friend or mine did at a gathering…”it's been a good life” upon finding out some news that will have an impact on my finances…which is like…my life. So…let's think about the same financial choices twenty times over like usual, eh? It's a crazy world we live in.

Things can get so bad that slow is good. Embrace the food times for what they are worth…and yeah…people fuck up. We're human. Most people short of some unjust crime or physical/mental abuse deserve a second chance. Slow thinking will do that. Slow can be deadly too, if you piss them off enough. One gets the horns after too many transgressions. Slow also works with being more introverted. It just makes sense. I love Charizard but years later went with Blastoise and objectively think it is the better choice. It was Blastoise that went in my Gen IV Battle Tower team that went the full 100 rounds. Not Charizard. Sorry Charizard. I'll never forget my first but I can't argue with results. A defensive Blastoise with a somewhat suicide Gengar and Dragonite claimed the W.

Today's post/rant is a bit all over the place but so is my current mind. Questioning everyone and everything. It's very much a what am I doing in life kinda day…I know realistically I'm doing what I can and things beyond my control and all that but holy hell…I rather be helping someone out while listening and using “slow thinking” vs my mind racing currently…to an extreme. It's a good time to remember the title of this blog. Truly. I'm sure I'll get through things. It's not like I know it any other way in life…but the in between experiences are the worst…so if my thinking becomes a bit slower, I embrace it. Even if sometimes it takes a bit of help to embrace slow thinking as opposed to the monkey mind that tends to win in times like these.

I have other aspirations this year and I'm not gonna let what feels like an endless cycle of nonsense get in the way of those things. Easy to say now and I may very well be lying to myself, but this is the path I just go on. If there's a “reason” this happened, it's fucked. If you have all your bases covered, one shouldn't have to go through life's torment periods. Such is life however. Peaks and valleys. Slow thinking it is…because “rushing things in the face” right now doesn't appeal to me outside of liquid courage…but I have no audience or small crowd to use my voice for, so it's just me and said liquid courage.

We've been here before. We got this. I'm saying we. Do I have a symbiote bonding with me? Be kind to yourself. Some of the best things in life are slow. Embrace it.

The End

With me, the horrid doubt always arises whether the convictions of man's mind, which has been developed from the mind of lower animals, are of any value or at all trustworthy. Would anyone trust the convictions of a monkey's mind, if there are any convictions in such a mind? ~ Charles Darwin

Buddhism: Silence is Better than Language... 

You can say ‘namaste’ all day and prove little. You can say nothing and prove much. Or you can sit in samadhi all day and prove everything, ‘samadhi’ being that meditative state of total absorption, in which the threads of language are locked out at the gates without credentials for entry. Because language is that element of mental activity tainted with the brush of corruption, duality at its…

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How To Deal With Big Scary Problems - Sasha Patpatia

JUNE BLOG

                                    Illustration by Miki Howenstein

    The water’s ceaseless flow transforms and shapes the landscape.

                             June 7 (in the book “Jumbo Jumble”)

1) The greatest enemy of education is not a lack of funds, though that hurts; it’s a lack of purpose. 

2) Positive change begins when we ask ourselves what we have become too comfortable with and what feels safe to us yet lies in conflict with the change we wish to seek and the person we wish to become. Only by manifesting profound inner change and beginning our own migration towards greater effectiveness and peace can we create positive outer change that is durable and beautiful. In essence, it is essential that we stir up conflict within ourselves as we begin the journey down the change-making path. Viewed this way, conflict can be seen as a vital and healthy part of any change—inward or outward. 

JR: What does positive change mean? It means moving in the direction of your purpose. Without a purpose, you get stuck in a rut or change according to your whims, thus sometimes going this way and sometimes that with no definite direction. With a sense of purpose, you can find ways of moving towards it, and constructively engage in the conflicts that help to mold you to progress towards attaining your goal.

PP: What change do you need in order to move towards one of your life-enriching goals? Find a way to initiate making and effecting that change.

PA: Monkey Mind—possibly the worst disease I harbor. So many things I wish to do that I feel are worthwhile that I dab here and there making no great effect on anything. At least, that’s how I often feel. The change I have needed (and finally made) was to set aside 10 hours per week for the research and writing which gives me the most delight and fulfills my life’s purpose, without worrying about the result. Just started and it feels great. May you, too, make that life-enriching change for yourself.

This is where your God-given Throne is 👇🏾

It is wherever your AWARENESS is…WATCHING all thoughts like clouds in YOUR SKY…so when you witness intrusive, negative thoughts they are just dark clouds passing by throwing an occasional tantrum though stormy ways… Now, you can occasionally choose to get down out of your God-given throne ( where you’re just witnessing and not attached to their existence) and start engaging with them You become…

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