#misgendering is a big problem | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thefirstknife · 11 months

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While I 100% agree that if people aren't having fun they should take a step back/quit, I don't like the "if you're not having fun just go find another game" argument because it's so often used to shut down actual legitimate criticism from people who are otherwise enjoying the game but want genuine problems to be addressed. (I've seen it, for example, when people try to bring up bigotry in games and suggest maybe making some changes to remove it. I always get wary when I see people say it now.)

Oh yeah absolutely. There's real criticism that we have to be able to point out and discuss. A lot of the times people use this for any minor criticism someone has and I agree, that's often a way to shut down the conversation. Criticism in general is supposed to come from a place of love: you love something and you want to see it be better.

Unfortunately, in this case, when the community turns into ONLY negativity and criticism, it's kinda hard to believe they care about the game anymore. If people still had some positive stuff to engage with and were enjoying the game but had issues, then sure. But most of the negativity online right now is just purely rage bait. Bungie apparently has no redeeming qualities, and Destiny is dead. Misinformation is spreading about everything: all devs abandoned Destiny to work on Marathon (claim with no source that's accepted as fact and makes no sense: Destiny is the only game making them money, they can't abandon it before Marathon is out. Like, logically), monetisation is the worst in the industry (I genuinely don't believe that they play other games if they think that Destiny's monetisation is the worst in the industry), Bungie is maliciously banning people for fun (????) but also Bungie isn't banning people enough, Bungie is maliciously making server issues and didn't develop a "fix server" button in their office, game development is easy and Bungie is just lazy and the devs don't want to tell us anything because they're evil, Destiny is falling apart and nobody is playing anymore (just trust me bro), and most recent one which is possibly the most baffling of all - Bungie Foundation is a scam to write off taxes. Yes, that is currently discourse (which apparently gets recycled every year). Bungie Foundation, a charity organisation that's been going on for 13 years and is an independent registered organisation, is a scam. This is where we're at with the community mentality. And there's even more.

When we're at this point, it's truly something else. Like, if they believe conspiracy theories about Bungie and think Bungie is scamming them, maybe they just shouldn't play the game anymore. Why are they still here if they think this is all a scam? I would drop the game if I believed any of this so strongly.

Normal people having criticism and all is perfectly fine however! I did my fair share especially recently about the season pass pricing changes which I called a predatory practice and still believe it is. There's a lot more stuff to complain about while still enjoying the game and not basing your entire online existence and personality on hating Bungie. If they've got nothing else to do besides sitting on twitter shitting on Bungie, maybe it's time to move on.

I've also had my suspicions about the motives for hardcore Bungie hate after the incidents involving transphobic attacks on Bungie devs following the LF showcase, as well as all the crap about Nimbus and their VA. Given the recent developments about the general anti-LGBT+ mentality, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a contingent of people who are focusing on Bungie more than anyone else for how outspoken they are in their support for LGBT+ causes. Like, not to do some big reach or something but it's fairly curious that gamers online are adopting the anti-LGBT+ sentiments while Bungie is aggressively supportive. It just rubs me the wrong way that the one company that's committed to this and has been for years before most other companies jumped on the bandwagon is the one that they're choosing to paint as the worst villain. And the LGBT+ support isn't even all, as Bungie has other initiatives where they actively support women's right, reproductive rights, poc rights, disability rights and so on). I don't know, I've been a part of the gaming community for a long time and while there's been massive changes since the early days (and since gamergate days), the issues of bigotry in gaming remain. It feels particularly suspicious to, out of ALL companies, single out Bungie which invests in charities and progressive causes. Like, in the grand scheme of things, every corpo is robbing me blind, I know that, I have to give money to corpos to live on this Earth, so I at least want to give it to a corpo that considers me to be a human being and funds causes that promote my rights, instead of wanting me dead.

Ironically, all of this weird hate makes it harder to have actual normal criticism. It just gets drowned and lost in the sea of exaggerated bullshit and lies and conspiracies perpetuated by people who just don't seem to like the game anymore. At the end of the day, it's a video game. Whatever criticism we have, if it gets to the point where we just can't handle the state of the game, the best way to show it is to simply stop playing. A deluge of harassment on twitter will not bring about meaningful change nor will it adequately convey our criticism to anyone. If they truly want some changes, they would do this criticism in a way that matters, instead of creating a horde of angry gamers who will latch onto every lie and create a hate bandwagon.

#destiny 2 #bungie #long post #ask #i def agree with the premise of the ask btw. if that isn't clear #not all criticism is just meaningless rage #unfortunately it's harder than ever to parse through the bullshit to find it #and like. if this leads to less monetisation or something. sure. I'd like that too #but the methods being employed here are literally only hurting community managers devs and the community itself #the marketing board of execs at bungie who decided on monetisation aren't reading twitter comments #going at bungie won't solve the problems of capitalism #you gotta join a different cause to do that my working class siblings #check a discussion on the industry from thiccest_yosh on twitter (he's a bungie dev)#he specifically called out monetisation ruining art as well as misinformation and rage being spread by CCs #refreshing to see this being said directly and publicly by someone who works in the industry #and one more note on the bigotry stuff that made me bitter about aztecross and his stupid video the most #aztecross played supported and promoted hogshit legacy. this big 'anti-corpo warrior'#funding one of the biggest bigots in the world who actively works on trying to kill as many people as possible. totally fine i guess #'it's just a video game.' but with bungie it's life and death apparently #it makes me super bitter and suspicious. especially given how many CCs were in on misgendering characters #i dont trust any of these people. they're a business and when the business is bigotry they gladly participate

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isdalinarhot · 4 months

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I love when people draw lesbian versions of mlm ships unfortunately for stupid gender reasons headcanoning/AUing Dalinar and Sadeas as women is a huge ass squick for me so I am just sitting there like well I hope you are all having fun femslashing your mascslash ships for femslash February but I will not participate sorry :(

#I WISH IT WASNT but unfortunately whenever I’m like I’m gonna make Dalinar as a woman! I just make dalinar big naturals. who is #super important to me to be consistently recognized as masc aligned cuz my ass is unable to get top surgery #and then Sadeas I probably would have not had any problems with it 6 months ago but now I’m like NO!!!!‼︎ STOP MISGENDERING HIM!!!!!!!!‼︎ :(#luke.txt #drunkposting #purple dragon jungle juice #I dunno man

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goatsandgangsters · 2 months

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work people are generally good about my pronouns, like any misgendering is usually infrequent and from people I don't work with often

but in the past one single week alone, THREE people I've worked with closely for yeaaars have all misgendered me and I'm like wtf

two of those people I specifically work with on lgbtq stuff which like. wtf

#and it feels very shitty!!!!!#and it's making me think ARE people at work actually good about my pronouns or do I just not hear myself referred to in third-person often?#like have these people I work with closely been doing it wrong all along just not to my face?#and it sucks too bc I've been more able lately to brush it off emotionally when someone misgenders me #bc I feel more confident in myself so it feels more like THEIR problem than mine #and bc it usually comes from people who aren't that big a presence in my life and the people who are get it right #but now!!!!#shaking the whole thing to its core and it sucks and I haven't felt like this in a while and it sucks

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ficmachine · 2 years

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Bit of a rant under cut abt the state of transmasc/nb (and probably transfem) reader economy bc im kind of fed up /neg

Dear fellow writers,

If you're writring a reader insert for nonbinary Y/N, tag it accordingly, and establish that their pronouns are they/them? Good job, yes. I kiss you square on the lips. Mwah. big ol' smooch for u (/j)

But if you misgender the reader once, twice, and then go "fuck it" and adapt that as the new pronouns? Fuck you. I don't care how "difficult" it is for you. If you'll give up the moment one of the comments under your work misgenders the character and assigns them a binary gender? Fuck you.

Don't write they/them characters/readers if that's what you're gonna do. You're doing more harm than good.

Smiliarly! If you're writing for a transmasc/transman reader (OR character) and you give up on the correct pronouns 9+ chapters into the fic because its "too hard to keep in mind"? Fuck you, actually.

All you're going to do is upset and disappoint people who relate to the sort of characters you promised to write. I get wanting to be inclusive, and it's okay if its an honest mistake, but if you're gonna be transphobic at the very least have the decency to remove the tags that no longer apply :/

/srs

#bug.buzz #not fic #delete later probably #negative #rant #physically biting myself back from going off big time abt this #but this is gen a serious problem #same with people tagging nb characters in relationships as f/m #or as m/m or f/f #like #for fuck's sake #the amount of times i started reading a fic and enjoyed it only to find out the writer just. gave up and started #misgendering the reader?#fucking awful #can't have shit in detroit #gotta do everything myself and when i cant i gotta wait for my bookmarked fics to update #damn :pensive:

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r0achlezbian · 6 months

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didn't wanna derail the last post with it but in general most trans people don't give a shit about minor mistakes. you can slip up and use the wrong pronouns or a gendered term and go "oh my bad" and 99% of the time that's where the problem begins and ends. no one is out there screaming "did you just assume my gender?!" because, like, yea. you probably did. shit happens. it's when you make a massive deal out of it, kick your heels and insist that actually "dude" is completely gender neutral or you're trying your best so everyone should just shut up ect ect that things become a problem. but every single person who does the latter insists it was the former and that everyone is making a big fuss about a mistake when in reality they've misgendered someone 10 times in a row and made no attempt to correct themself.

#benny.exe #politicking

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the-stars-in-your-eyes-if · 5 months

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☀︎NO DEMO YET☀︎ PLAYLIST ☀︎

☀︎SYNOPSIS☀︎

Your childhood friend has always dreamed of the big scene, of the crowd singing your lyrics, of a world tour. Max always wanted for your bands to succeed together. Until...

Well, it is was all a big stupid joke.

The real world caught up to you: you are no longer the naive child you once were. Writing a Grammy worthy album isn’t as easy as it seems and the big scene is nowhere to be seen. You navigate through life as you can, you party with your friends every Saturday and write music all week. You enjoy each one of your gigs – big and small. Your burning love for music doesn’t seem to fade. Your band brought together a solid community that crosses borders. You have fun with your band and it’s all that matter.

But you can’t help but fantasize that, someday, you’ll be at the top of the world…

Big stupid joke, right?

✮BATTLE OF THE BANDS IS BACK!✮

You thought 2020 was the end of us, uh?

You couldn’t be more wrong!

The worldwide known music contest is finally back!

We carefully chose the mentors of our beloved participants. This year will be all pink…

Make way for Pink Riot!!!

Application open to foreigners (check our website)

RATED +18

TW: explicit language, (occasional) violence, transphobia (one character is misgendered but just in one scene), use of alcohol and drugs, (soft) sexual content, parental abuse (flashback), depression, self-harm (warning will be in the "next" button), mention of suicide (same as self-harm)

☀︎FEATURES☀︎

– Customize your MC’s appearance and personality. You decide of their public image and persona.

– Your choices will define your band’s public image and popularity. Are they loved? Do they make underground or mainstream music? Are they the parents’ worst nightmare? The reference of rebellious kids?

– Decide your band’s aesthetic. Do they have one to begin with? Or do they each dress in their own style?

– Write your own lyrics!

– Engage in romantic affairs…

– ...or don’t, your choice!

– Are you going to help the people that cross your path or do you only care about yourself?

☀︎A BIT OF CONTEXT☀︎

Of course, this story is set on Earth.

But.

Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, antisemitism and fatphobia will get you in court.

You are not very well seen if you do one of those things and, if you’re a celebrity/politician/public figure, it can (and will) ruin your career.

I know that this isn’t realistic at all but I need to believe that, one day, this will be real. My characters have and will go through enough trauma and bad moments, I want to give them some peace.

And it feels really good to make a world where those things will ruin the oppressor and not the oppressed.

☀︎ROs☀︎

THE HERMIT — Diesel Di Angelo (they/them)

Diesel is the soul of the band, they bring a sort of osmosis. Their calm energy somehow has a place on stage and is liked by everyone.

Diesel took their first steps in the music world with Max and MC. It was just the three of them before the band grew bigger. Diesel is a talented guitarist, they worked hard to get where they are and they don’t stop improving. They are quite reserved and don’t talk about their feelings… Who knows what lies beneath their shell?

THE MISCHIEVOUS DRUMMER — Roman Lupin (he/him)

If MC is the backbone of the band, Roman is its beating heart. He has no problem to make the public jump from the back of the stage. He’s a spark that will light a bonfire.

Roman learned to play drum from his mother. He went to the conservatory but he didn’t stuck with it. Since a young age, Roman wants to have a band and to perform all around the world. Roman is full of life and he’s the human version of a sunshine. Is there something behind that smile or is he genuinely happy?

THE LITTLE MERMAID — Isra Wafa (she/they)

Isra brings magic to the band. Her mermaid low voice is unique and enchants the public. If you think you’ve heard good bass players, just wait until you see Isra on stage.

When Isra was a child, their parents let them chose an instrument to learn and to their surprise, she chose the bass. They fell in love with this low instrument. They navigated from band to band before settling for this band her boyfriend was part of. Isra keeps ignoring their responsibilities toward her family. For how long can they pretend it doesn’t exist?

THE REBEL ANGEL — Archibald “Archie” de Beaumont (they/he)

Even with a classical training, Archie managed to switch to their band’s genre without too much troubles. All the members affirm it: Archie is a gift from the universe.

Archie popped out of nowhere to audition to be the band’s keyboardist. He was the most talented person they saw all day and the chemistry was very much here. The band doesn’t know much about Archie, but it doesn’t matter. They are a good person and a dear friend. It wouldn’t change anything to learn about their life before the band. Right?

THE MANAGER — Cal Bremont (he/him)

Cal works in the shadow to make the band shines under the spotlight of the biggest stages. The band claims it, he is the best manager you could hope for.

Cal takes his job very seriously, he has a perfect work ethic. Maybe he is a bit too close to his clients and they may not just be clients… But, well, no one is complaining. Cal is very secretive about his personal life, he never mentioned his family or anything else. Can he maintain his relationship with his friends and still keep his life a mystery?

THE RISING STAR — Max Larash (she/her or they/them)

Max moved their band to the other side of the world and they managed to impose themselves on the west coast scene. We’ll keep an eye on them as they’ll compete against their former friends…

Because of artistic divergences, Max decided to leave the band when Isra and Roman joined them and they created their own band with high school friends. Max had big dreams for Sleep Walking and their friends in MC’s band, but it didn’t turn out as Max has hoped. Sleep Walking left the country for the USA without their friends and they intentionally lost all contacts with them…

THE MUSE — Olivia “Ollie” Madden (she/her)

You may have never see her face but, as a comics fan, Ollie Madden is a name far from unknown. None other than the comics artist and writer of the most followed comics, Ollie is still a mystery to her fans.

Olivia works for Blue Pegasus, a major comics book publisher, since years. She was the comics artist on a lot of books, it took her a lot of hard work to finally publish her own series. Olivia isn’t only a famous artist, she also is a single mother. She’s taking care of a lot by herself and it often leads to forget about herself. There is nobody to remind her she’s human and not a superhero…

THE PRINCESS — Katharina "Kat" Deluca (she/her)

We don’t need to present Katharina Deluca anymore. Success and awards seem to follow every movies our Lady K touched. She confessed that her break from the cameras and greens screens was to be present for her best friend… Athena Pierce.

Also known as the Princess, Katharina is one of the biggest actresses of her generation. Between two roles worthy of an Oscar, she is also a model and the face of the infamous designer brand: Beaumont-Griffin. She is in the industry since she was 12. But, behind closed doors, Kat doesn’t seem to have a joyful life… What is she hiding from the world?

GODDESS OF MUSIC — Athena Pierce (she/her)

Athena is a legend in the industry. Everybody wants to work with her and Pink Riot. Her voice will shatter your world, there is a before and an after Athena Pierce.

Athena is the lead singer and front woman of Pink Riot. She was a star child and charmed America with her angelic voice. But, with the creation of Pink Riot, Athena is no longer the little angel of the USA. She’s now known as a freaking rebel and she is quite provocative. She flirts with the limits all the time. Her persona is loved all around the world, but who is the real Athena?

☀︎CANON EVENTS☀︎

You can customize a lot of things regarding your MC and your band. But there are a few things that are canon.

— MC is born and lives in France. Where exactly is up to you. The only place MC can’t have grow up in is Paris. (I headcanon them growing up in Perpignan or Montpellier)

— The names of MC parents can’t be choose. I tried to make them as common as possible so you can choose their origins. MC is French but their parents can be from wherever you want!

— MC's age can’t be choose.

— MC is friends with Max and Diesel since they are 6. They were in school together.

— MC’s first band is with Max and Diesel.

— During high school, MC met Roman and Isra. They joined MC’s band but Max didn’t like the kind of music their band was into so they formed their own band with other high school friends (Sleep Walking).

— The OG band (MC-Max-Diesel) exist until the fateful break up.

— MC’s band and Sleep Walking always were there for each other and gave mutual support. They also create songs and musics together, some are only instrumental and other are with vocal.

— MC speaks French and English. Feel free to add a third and even a fourth language.

— MC lives with Isra and Roman since they finished high school.

#the stars in your eyes if #interactive fiction #interactive story #choice of games #if #if: intro #dashingdon

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tocomplainfriend · 5 months

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VIV is constantly criticized by her own fault.

TW: Mention of: SA, Rape, Transphobia, fat phobia, Antiblackness.

(Hey, i'mma probably do a post eventually about episode 4. Btw, awfully shit, worse than I thought it could be... BIG TW OF R-PE AND SA IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IT. AND TW of the minimization of those topics too.)

(SORRY FOR BAD ENGLISH IN THIS POST TOO)

BUT I NEED TO CALL ATTENTION TO THIS! One of the reasons I criticize a lot of Viv specifically is because of how much she puts herself out there. She sees something she posts on Twitter about it a shit ton (even on "threads" lol). AND because of how lacking of improvement she has being. (I personally know people I have considered terrible when we were teens, but I have seen legit improvement from them in recent years. They seem like people who struggle, but got to grow up and made up for any problems (or pain caused to me or others). People have the ability to change and become better. Something that matters at pointing out issues or discussing-is the idea of creating change on others. It is better to get someone to change for the better than to cast them into the forever jail of nothingness (unless, IDK, they Sexually Assaulted someone, for example). Specially when they are young people. Doesn't mean YOU have to stick with other people that hurt you, no. Doesn't mean people get to do what ever and get away with it.

BUT All of this problem I have seen from Viv are from age 19-30. (you can change at anytime btw) And see constantly repeats herself and her actions. Seems to have never accepted criticism (said by herself too), and never able to see her own faults. The fact that is a continuous behavior is a problem, how she always responds is awful. My post of "Viv has being transphobic for 10 years", was to signal that. If she really had changed over those 10 years to a genuine thing- I could've taken that! But no, the shitty double standard against trans men... the weird treatment. THE MANY STORIES OF EMPLOYEES GETTING MISGENDERED HEAVILY, TOO.

(I know people who were transphobic [When they were teens mainly], that Genuinely improved and changed their beliefs. Now they treat trans people with respect and care! And still learning about gender-fluid people, too!)

It just seems to be further and further away from getting better! The fact that she only decides to take in account voices from SA victims that agree with her- it's painful as a victim, my self!

And yes, people who sent gore or dumbass shit to Viv (or the team) don't help. And go get help why you're looking and sending Gore to anyone. (Also, stuff like this does lead to people not listening to others people genuine callouts). The fact that I criticize something doesn't mean I agree with the people that go and do shit like the thing I just mention above.

AND ALSO A IMPORTANT THING HERE!

This drawing was created by DollCreep. BUT ALSO FUCKING REMEMBER this was done in response to the shit that Viv drew of him.

If you didn't know Viv drew a transphobic caricature of DollCreep using the name Jojo (his old nickname). This put together with a shitty anti-sjw meme video. DollCreep is a transman, Viv drew a character based on him. A furry wolf girl, If you can see in the image the main thing listed below the character name is the fucking "Sex=♀️". SO ON PURPOSE, CHRIST. Like... AND YES-is shitty from both to have drawn this (even if it was in respond) mainly immature in DC part. But that, or any toxicity coming from DC, doesn't delete the transphobia here. (imagine drawing a racist caricature of a poc person, because they are shitty to you). THE POST LINKED ABOVE SHOWS THE SITUATION, and in the end of the day. Viv says that DC is an abusive shitty person to her, but never realizing her own faults or anything she could'be possibly done wrong! (and again, any wrong done by DC in general can not be deleted by the fact of having being treated badly. If he did shitty stuff himself, that doesn't delete the wrong done in general to him or to others by viv)

Here about transphobia:

(this is like 8yrs old too)

Again, she never acknowledges anything that she might have done wrong. "She is a thoughtful person, that wants tor write queer and disabled characters! She wants to tell empowering stories of..." It doesn't even feel close to that when people bring up actual problems in her writing that are stereotyping or bad, and she just yells and cries. It all feels like empty sticks she is only interested in in the surface level, she doesn't want to actually deal with.

When she says "This characters is black guys ♡♡♡" and then the fucking 7th, a grayish character with zero black features. She can not actually try and draw a black person with a different hair texture, she'll faith is hair isn't straight and spiky (has done this so much too). She is all for positivity and diversity (can not draw more than 1 character that isn't a fucking stick with the same stupid face).

She can not write relationships in general. She cannot do gay couples, then don't lean on the stupid old uke uwu defenceless x big rough seme protector stuff. Again, all the interactions with Husk and Angel are sexual harassment. They are already a revealed future couple (and episode 4 is terrible for them, specially with that song). Stolitz is toxic, and predatory. That is not acknowledged, and all Stolas's predatory behavior and power dynamics are put in the background, cause- "look how sad Stolas is :(! HIS DAD IS SOOO MEAN, HIS WIFE IS A BITCH". All her gay characters are in pure surface: over-sexual twinks that are assholes, which also fit into the top/bottom as personality boxes.

Any other point includes sexual harassment as a joke. BUT KNOW SHE WANTS TO BE LIKE "GUYS SA STORIES MATTER, LOOK AT WHAT I WROTE" as if she didn't lean back into the problem of the diminishing of SA and r- (in general and done to men) with her jokes in HB. With all the sexual harassment that Angel Dust puts on Husk and others. (AND YES THERE IS NO WARNING IN EPISODE 4, FOR ITS HEAVY TOPICS! I do believe all series/movies with this need it. SPECIALLY IF IT'S SO GRAPHIC! "Sexual content" is not the same as a warning for SA or R-pe. An adult can see a movie with sex or sexual nutidy- when they see that- but it's different to get straight assault on screen. Victims can watch movies/series with sex in them all good, you cannot just group consensual sex in the same assault or R-pe...)

The thing where Mammon (the only fat character that isn’t from the fucking background.) is like FIZZ YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. AS IF SHE COULD EVEN DRAW ANY DIFFERENT BODY SHAPE WITHOUT DYING. Like there is only Mimzy (hasn't appeared yet, not given any importance. In the female lead show). Mammon the piece of shit (does the same as Blitz, but he is actually fully bad.) His design is done with 80 fucking layers on top. Like all the test of the skinny character's clothes suck up to their body except for Mammon. His body is hidden in layers upon layers of clothing (that's all you got?). All you main guys need to fill "the skinny have nothing men" and "skinny woman with big hips and legs, but no fucking stomach"?

AND YES! VIV DOES DO THE FUCKING, "FAT = FOOD LMAOOO". You know the thing HH fans and hater where like the "Bee needs to fat thing is bad, cause of fat = food (only food) is reductive and shitty"

(Can I refer to how the show Bojack H, make Diane gain weight cause of anti depressants- and it wasn't a joke! And she was happier too?)

(mine, from post right below)

... like is a bundle of issues. And Viv will never accept that she might be /or is wrong. That's why it hits the fan with stuff. -And again I liked many of the little concepts and stuff in HB and the original pilot of Hazbin. Shit- I still like Sir Pentious and Nifty. I do like Mammon as much as he is a pack of problems to call out, I fucking love the piece of shit Australian jester- The artist work hard on it, and I'm happy it's an openly queer! (as limited as it gets, too....). I liked Huni-cast, I loved the original voice cast! -and that happens! I could be writing this about other stuff too, not only Hazbin... if I created this blog earlier- IT WOULD ALL BE ABOUT RWBY, DANGANRONPA, even svtfoe...Ladybug... or Agretsuko's ending too. So yeah, sorry for the long post (as if all my post weren't)

#vivziepop critique #vivziepop critical #helluva boss criticism #helluva boss critique #helluva boss critical #hazbin hotel critical #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critique #anti vivziepop #long post #tw rape #tw sa #tw transphobes #tw transfobia #tw fatphobia #tw antiblackness

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ms-demeanor · 3 months

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hello! sorry to bother w this but im sort of desperate at this point. given your post about school abuse: so like. i had a similar experience and i thought that i had sorted my brain out. BUT. big but. now im trans and every time i have to correct people w/ misgender or come out to people that i dont already know their opinion on the issue, i get an anxiety attack that makes me unable to do it. ive told many therapists and no one so far has understood why im terrified of making stuff that other people can perceive as me being difficult to work with. would you have *any* advice? thanks!

Okay so first of all it is totally valid to feel that way; that isn't an irrational response, that is your body and brain going "!!!! I have learned this lesson before!" But just because it's a sensible response doesn't mean it's functional in the long term, which is why it needs to be addressed (which I'm sure you already know, I'm just explaining for people in the back).

So now here is some meandering advice:

Spend time with people you already know you can trust. It's okay to take a break from new people and situations (as much as is possible) when you are processing traumatic events and learning to care for yourself. Spending time with people who you don't have to come out to, who don't misgender you, can help you normalize being out and correctly gendered to yourself.

Recognize that you don't have to be out to everyone and some assholes aren't worth it. This is going to depend some on the context, but you don't owe everybody an explanation for yourself and if people repeatedly misgender you after being corrected you may just be better off not spending time around those people.

Loop in trusted people in low-stakes ways. If you get the sense that someone who you think is pretty safe has misgendered you on accident, it might still feel too intimidating to correct them in person but it might be a good idea to follow up with text or a call or a message to say "hey, just FYI, I think I heard you use a/b pronouns for me earlier, I just wanted to let you know that I use c/d pronouns. Did you want to meet up again next week?" the breakdown on why I think this is effective is - Distance means you're safe - nonthreatening "FYI" means you aren't saying "I'm offended" and assumes good faith from the other person - feels less accusatory (not that you need to tone police yourself, but if you're trying to lower the stress level overall then assuming it was a mistake and letting them know you don't think it was on purpose should reduce the overall tension) - request to meet up again or topic switch to something lighter once again says "I'm not mad, that was just regular information, we can now return to our scheduled programming"

I think that, generally speaking, this is also a decent way to come out to people if you're nervous; physically remote and emotionally casual can be a good place to work from (even if you're actually panicking in your head but you can pull off casual in a written message)

Find (or create) a space where people are 100% going to support you. If you need to create a discord server, if you need to schedule a regular coffee date with trusted friends or family members, whatever it is, give yourself a space where you are unconditionally supported and can have people to bounce ideas and concerns off of. Even if it's just you and one other person, it's good to know you have *someone* who you can say "I think I want to tell this other person to use my pronouns but it's scary" to and know that you're not at risk in any way. I'd say try to make sure that you're still interacting with people outside of that space, but have a space to retreat to where you can just drop the worry.

Recognize that somebody else's problem is not a reflection of you. If you have, for instance, a coworker who is being a piece of shit and refusing to recognize your gender, that is not a reflection of your gender that is a reflection of them being a piece of shit. If there is a classmate or a sibling who uses the wrong pronouns after being corrected that doesn't mean you're not entitled to your pronouns that means they are being a piece of shit. Some people are just not going to accept you and that's on them. Try to minimize your time spent with them and if you have to spend time with them at work take steps to ensure your safety, but don't fight losing battles with assholes.

It really is legitimately scary. You have good reasons to be scared and you are doing a very frightening thing (and not to do the meme thing but you are legitimately being so brave about it; the fact that you are reaching out and asking anyone for help, including randos on the internet, means that you are taking steps to doing the scary thing and that is SO GOOD and I'm really proud of you for making the effort in spite of the fear).

Here is some less meandering advice:

Practice. Talk to yourself in the mirror, practice with friends, practice with your therapist. Practice coming out to yourself in a casual way. Practice correcting your pronouns. Practice an introduction for yourself that explains the information you want to give to new people you might meet. Get it down to a quick little patter, get it to be something that's easy to say to yourself in the mirror first, then try it with friends for practice, then try it around the safer people you might want to give the information to. It'll get easier as you go.

Look for a local support group (or an online support group). If there's a local LGBTQ+ center you should see if they've got events going on or a support group you can join or workshops or any manner of social thing where you can go interact with people who have been through similar stuff.

Journal. Each time you find yourself frightened of talking to someone about your gender, do what you need to to get through the day and then sit down and think about that interaction. Write down what happened, write down what you were thinking. Was there something in particular that made you anxious? Is it something you can practice addressing? Was there something you noticed about the person that made you uncomfortable? Is that a common thread in the times you have trouble talking about this? If you're able to narrow down specifically what is making it hard to speak to some people that might make it easier to explain to therapists but will also make it more actionable for you.

Here's some very optimistic advice:

If at all possible find a friend who will be rabid and unflinching in their support for you and hang out with them around new people. Get yourself an attack dog copilot who will cheerfully step up and make corrections for you. I know not everyone can do this and I know that if you can find someone like this they can't be around all the time, but it can be wonderfully reassuring to find that one person who you know is going to be ride or die about making sure that everyone in the room respects you. (Being that person for someone else can also teach you how to be that person for you)

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bella-buggied · 1 year

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Jealous bella x reader please!!!!

ᴅɪɴɴᴇʀ ᴘᴀʀᴛʏ - ʙᴇʟʟᴀ ʀᴀᴍsᴇʏ

pairing: bella ramsey x fem!reader

summary: you're having dinner with your work friends and you brought a plus one, bella isn't quite happy about that

warnings: a straigth man with The audacity. use of cuss words. misgendering.

note: hello anon! i really hope this is what you asked for!! ahaha, it turned out to be quite long 3k words!!! so yeah, thank you for submitting your request. enjoy!! <3

They’d been staring at you the whole dinner.

No one seemed to notice, too busy engaging with the different conversations going on. They’d even pitch in and comment on them every once in a while and you attentively listened to their input, but that murderous stare was slowly tearing you down. You could feel it even when you weren’t looking, and God, you tried not to look.

There was just something about their stare that made you shiver, and you didn't fully know why. Of course, there was this massive crush you had on them so it was partly because of that, but there was something more. You never felt them stare at you like this.

In a way you liked it, because they had been ignoring you for quite some time now and getting this attention felt like something you needed. Although Bella still wouldn’t talk to you, they’d just stare at you the whole dinner.

“Hey,” your friend Mark whispered into your ear, noticing your sudden stiffness. “You okay?”

His arm had been wrapped around your shoulders all night, he’d always been a bit touchy, in a way it was comforting. You appreciated his care for you, you’d known each other since kids and this was usual for you both. He’d always try to make you feel better as soon as he noticed you being uncomfortable.

You nodded at him and offered him a faint smile, letting him know everything was great without making a big deal about it, then he smiled too and gave you a kiss on the cheek. You awkwardly giggled at that, knowing that even with your closeness he never did that before.

“What was that about?” you asked him, and he smirked, like he knew something you didn’t. He just shrugged and looked to the other side.

You looked around the table, the rest of your friends didn’t care much about the sudden action, the mood wasn’t affected by it, but you felt weird for some reason.

You poked him with your finger near the ribs letting out a laugh, then you said “Be right back.”

As you stood from your seat and went to the bathroom, you could feel two stares watching you go.

You splashed a bit of water in your face, needing to breathe. Bella had just been looking at you like they wanted to kill something and you didn’t know what you had done to make them so mad at you.

They stopped talking to you about five days ago, and you wondered what could’ve happened for Bella to ghost you like that.

Before that, you two had been talking nonstop, meeting up and having coffee together —although Bella would always have tea— facetiming before bed, all cute stuff. And you thought your friendship was really starting to become something strong, something steady. Then Bella just didn’t answer one day.

And now this weird thing coming from Mark, you didn’t exactly know how to tell him to stop sometimes. It was starting to become a problem.

You let the tap water run through your wrists as you breathed through your nose and prepared yourself to go back to your seat.

When you opened the door of the bathroom you stumbled upon someone, and you were kind of disappointed to see who it was.

“What do you want, Mark?” The disappointment visibly showed in your face, but you couldn’t help it.

“I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I’m fine, just let it go” you said as you walked back to the restaurant’s dining area with Mark behind you. Why had you expected Bella to be there? It was obvious they were super mad at you, even if they couldn’t quite get their eyes away from you.

“Look who’s back!” Louise, who you had been sitting next to, said with a laugh. “We were just talking about you two. You make a great pair, you know?”

Sure, you hadn’t thought of that. Louise, James, and Bella were still quite new to your integration of Mark into the friend group. You hadn’t even asked if it was okay for him to join, he just hopped in your car when you were about to go hangout with them one day, and as usual, you didn’t say anything.

Hanna already knew him from before and got a hold of your friendship, but these guys —your work friends— were still strangers to him.

Louise even thought you two were dating. Ew. You didn’t even like men.

“Oh! We’re not da–”

“Thank you!” Mark interrupted as he took food into his mouth with his fork and put his free arm around you again. Now that was definitely weird.

You looked at him from the side and then continued your sentence, using your hands to make it clear for everyone else at the table. “We’re just friends.”

“Alright, got it.” Hannah winked at you like she knew something you didn’t and you were getting a bit tired of those looks already.

Then you heard something coming from Bella’s mouth, something you shouldn’t have been able to hear with the distance between you, but you realised you were just paying a lot of attention to their every move, and they were just whispering a bit too loudly into James’s ear. “Somebody should tell him that then.”

You saw James let out a chuckle then automatically stop himself, putting a hand to his mouth and biting into his own fist.

And it shouldn’t have been as funny as it was, because the whole table listened and stopped everything they were doing to look at your reactions. And you know you couldn’t just laugh at that, it would be way worse than if you pretended to not have listened.

Of course Mark didn’t think the same as you. Of course he didn’t think Bella had an amazing sense of humour.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

His grip around you tightened, like he was protecting something of his, and you just looked down embarrassed as you squinted your eyes to try and forget that he was even there.

Bella blinked several times, baffled. They looked at him and rested their back on the chair to try and relax a little. “Well I mean, you’ve been practically throwing yourself at her all night, mate. She said you’re just friends.”

You shouldn’t have found those words coming from their mouth so attractive. Really, it wasn’t a big deal, but there was something about the way that they said it, how secure in their own words they sounded. You could feel the heat going to your cheeks. Even the way they used their hands to show how upset they were and how then they crossed her arms when they were done, you couldn’t look at them.

And Mark only got more riled up by their comment. You didn’t know what had gone through his head tonight. Mark had never been like this, or not that it was so obvious other people noticed, at least.

He was a good friend, really.

Maybe.

Or had he just been nice to you because he wanted something more?

“So what if I want to hug my best friend, is that such a big fucking deal?”

“Yes! Especially when she’s visibly uncomfortable!” Bella chuckled, pointing at you to prove their point. They weren’t one to yell, they weren’t one to start up a fight. You perfectly knew that, so it was weird seeing them do this right now.

And all because of you.

In a weird, twisted way, you kind of liked it.

“That’s it, I don’t even know why I’m here.” Mark turned to you and pulled away his arm. His eyes didn’t look at you like before, now there was something else in them, like a plea to you. “I’m leaving.”

You sighed and rolled your eyes, “Wait,” You followed him as he stood up and grabbed his coat, then walked behind him passing through the other tables, who glanced at you trying to figure out what was happening. “What’s wrong with you?”

“No, what’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this?”

“What am I doing?” You scoffed, putting your hands up in the air.

“Getting me to meet all your other friends, making me believe I actually had a chance.”

You laughed. “What?”

“And then tonight? What’s happening here? That weirdo looking at me like she wants to kill me all night and then saying that? She’s obsessed with you and it's so weird. I’m out.” He turned around and walked away, you wondered if he expected you to run up to him and tell him not to.

“Okay! Leave!” You said instead, still confused about everything. “I guess.”

Great, now you didn’t have a ride home. For some reason the fact that he called Bella a weirdo bothered you more than that. That, and the fact that they had misgendered them.

You walked back to your table and Hannah only looked at you like she didn’t understand what just happened, you just shrugged in response because you understood it even less.

“You okay?” Bella said, that murderous stare long gone. Now there was a softness to their eyes, and you couldn’t make eye contact.

You were embarrassed, no one else had brought a plus one and you had asked if it was okay if he came with you. Now he had made a whole scene and you were to blame.

You didn’t even really want him there in the first place. You had plans with your work friends, and Mark wanted to hang out that same day, so he suggested coming with you. You hadn’t seen anything objectively wrong with it at first.

If you knew this was gonna happen you’d never answered Mark’s texts..

“Yeah, I’m great actually. Don’t know what that whole thing was about.” you answered instead, lightening the mood.

You didn’t like confrontation, if you could ignore an issue you would do it until it was factually impossible to keep ignoring. This was one of those times, and it had happened quite dramatically.

You sat down back in your seat, and soon the conversation shifted into what it was before that whole scene. A calm and animated chat between friends. You found yourself staring at the empty seat by your side, wondering if your friendship with him was even real. How could he do this to you? And then blame you for making him be there when he was the one who always self-invited into these things?

You didn't expect that from him, not after so many years of friendship. Just like that, he left, because he would not accept that you didn’t like him.

And you felt a stare again, but this time it wasn’t aggressive, it was gentle and soft. But you couldn’t look up.

Your phone buzzed on the table, so you picked it up. For a second you thought it would be Mark, apologising for being such a dramatic little bitch, but no. It was Bella.

‘do you want a ride home?’

You couldn’t help but smile at the screen, the thought of Bella being so sweet to you after everything just as soon as he left made you giggle. It only fed more into your delusions. You could accept that. If saying goodbye to Mark suddenly meant Bella talking to you again, you would have told him to fuck off way before today.

‘Okay, thanks :)’

Now you couldn’t wait until dinner was over and you could go home, with Bella.

You had to ask them why they’d stopped talking to you in the first place. You’d do it in the car.

They kept staring at you the rest of the dinner, and this time it didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. It made you feel anxious for finally holding up a real conversation and being close to them again. And it made you happy, just thinking about Bella taking you home.

Eventually all your plates were empty, and the conversation was starting to slowly fade into nothing. It was time to go home. When James asked for the bill and everyone was leaving, you stood up too to start saying goodbye. Hannah gave you a sorry look, because she knew Mark too and she perfectly knew how dramatic he could be sometimes. “I’ll talk to him,” she said.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to do that.” You smiled at her. Right now, the least you wanted to do was to think about him.

“Need me to take you home?” she said, you could see it on her face how she really meant it, even when you lived so far away from her and it would make no sense for Hanna to have to cross the whole city in order to drive you home. But you already had someone who had offered first.

“I’m taking her.” Bella’s voice came right behind you, you never noticed when they walked up to you. You turned your head to look at them, and you saw how they mentally debated between putting their hand on your shoulder or just putting it to their hip in a dad-stance. They went for the latter.

“Alright, goodnight!”

Hanna walked out of the restaurant and that left you and Bella alone. The rest of them had already walked out too. “Ready?”

“I guess.”

Bella opened the door for you and the two of you walked out into the parking lot. You could see Hannah starting her car a few metres away. “Come on.” Their voice was way softer now. And the way they looked at you made you feel weak in the knees.

You followed Bella to their car, the little red fiat that you kinda loved, even if you hated it. In the past few months, Bella had given you rides when you were both working late at night and she had taken you to your coffee meetings in this car. They had also driven you home after nights out where you didn’t measure your drinks and you had puked your guts out on the backseat quite a few times, hence why you kind of hated the car.

The front seat was more comfortable than the backseat, that’s for sure.

Bella starts driving, and you stay silent, thinking of the best way to start a conversation. You checked your phone often, searching for any new notification, all you wanted is a simple apology coming from Mark.

“Thank you— ”

“He’s a real prat, you know?”

You both talked at the same time, Bella only wiggled their fingers as they held the steering wheel as you giggled.

“Sorry, what?”

Bella quickly turned to you, “I said he’s an idiot.”

“Oh, yeah. I know.”

They let out a quick sigh as they turned to the road again. “Why are you with him, then?”

“We’re friends.”

“You know what I mean.”

“We’ve known each other since we were kids. You can’t just throw out a childhood of memories for a simple fight.” You said, and Bella nodded, biting into their chapped lips.

“I don’t think he’s gonna apologise, he seems like a git.”

You laughed, “Okay, now you’re just saying all the cuss words you can think of.”

“Maybe,” they smirked. “Just so you know, he was saying stuff. About you two, when you were in the loo. Before he went looking for you.”

“What stuff?”

“That’s not the point.”

“You were staring at us the whole night.”

Bella nodded softly. “And with reason. I was the only one to notice how uncomfortable you were. And at first I did think you two were together, but when you said you weren’t and he was still there —existing— I don’t know, it made my blood boil, I guess.”

“So what, were you jealous or something?”

“I was worried about you.”

“Is this why you’ve been ignoring me? Because you thought I was dating Mark? From all the people in the world that I could date, you think I would choose him? If anything he’s like a brother to me. A really annoying brother.”

“I didn’t know that. And you’re suddenly bringing him everywhere and I don’t like his face—”

“You don’t like his face?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because he looks at you like you’re a piece of meat, okay? And it’s weird.”

You stayed silent, looking out the window as the buildings passed by. You had never thought much of the way he looked at you, but the more Bella talked, the less you wanted to know about him.

“He called you a weirdo.”

“What?”

“Before he left, he called you a weirdo and said that you were obsessed with me.”

Bella tilted their head as a red light made the car stop. Then they turned to you again, with delicacy. “Well, he got one thing right.”

“That you’re a weirdo?”

“That I think about you a little too much.”

You felt the heat on your cheeks, as you looked away with a growing smile on your lips. “You’re obsessed?”

“Why shouldn’t I be? You’re amazing.”

“I am most definitely not.”

“You are, and you know what? I would never look at you like you’re a piece of meat,” You couldn’t believe the words coming from their mouth. It felt like one of those moments in the movies where the two protagonists finally revealed that they loved each other, but you weren’t sure that was what this was. “because I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.”

And there it was, the moment ruined.

Bella chuckled as they turned and saw the green light, making them focus on the road again. You laughed too, feeling like you could explode in any second. Your ears were ringing, repeating Bella’s words over and over again in your head.

“Fuck you.”

“It’s true though, I don’t like meat, but I like you. As a human, as a great friend and colleague. You’re honestly my favourite person in the world as of right now.”

And if you hadn’t been in love with Bella already, you knew this would have been the moment for you. Because you were falling for them again, and this time you knew Bella felt the same too.

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discodeerdiary · 1 year

Text

Something I've noticed: social settings with a lot of transgender people will occasionally attract a cis person who's like hey I have an idea what if everyone decided to be nonbinary and use they/them pronouns and then we'd solve the problems of misgendering and sex discrimination and I think a big reason for that is that cis people's main model for gender is prescriptive not elective, and so when one of them decides to try an alternative system they'll often land on something equally prescriptive. They'll realize that it will not be popular with the other cis people they know so they decide to bring it to one of those places with all the freaks who break the rules of gender and see what they think of it.

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gayhenrycreel · 6 months

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#ftm is a fetish tag

disclaimer, i am a trans man

#ftm is a fetish tag. i dont know if its always been like this but it is a problem.

i can hardly find any transmascs in that tag.

there are cis women misgendering trans men as a kink, and talking about our bodies like sex dolls everywhere in that tag. its mostly cishet women using OUR tag to objectify our bodies because they are too afraid to consider that they might not be straight. it is at least half detransition kink. im very uncomfortable with cis people doing this, but if they want to i wont stop them.

but this is in OUR TAG. this is horrible. they write disgusting smut about women who are short twinks with soft tits and dripping cunts and no dysphoria at all.

they just call them trans men.

ive seen other transmascs complain about this too.

these fics are written by and for cis women. they are chasers. the way they talk about our bodies is revolting. they know nothing about trans men at all.

i know that not all trans men feel dysphoric about their bodies, but these women are still treating us like a fetish that only occurs in fiction, rather than people who have emotions and often want to have a flat chest and/or a penis.

in particular they fetishize gay trans men. all these fics are about femboys who are horrified by the concept of transitioning getting fucked by bears. the people writing this view transitioning as mutilation. its very obvious.

ive noticed that this occasionally extends to fetishizing cis men with gynecomastia. its clear they want to fuck women but think lesbians are disgusting, so they call the women in their fics men, but misgender them throughout the text.

i hardly see any representation for trans men who even want to transition. newsflash: a lot of us do want to transition. many of us have already had surgery.

if you genuinely do want to write smut with GOOD portrayal of trans men, heres some tips on what we want in our representation:

trans men who dont want to transition deserve rep too, but many of us are entirely uncomfortable with our bodies. very few of us want any attention given to the parts we are born with. a lot of pre op trans men wear a binder during sex. we're not all bottoms, and some of us wear strap ons.

when we're on testosterone, it causes vaginal atrophy, similar to menopause. it gets very dry down there and easily irritated. this means that vaginal sex can be very painful and could even damage tissues. even without T, vaginal penetration is usually no where near as fun as it is for cis women. anything being in there is awful and sometimes painful.

anal sex is a thing. its not gross. its perfectly normal. it just requires some lubricant, and for a trans man, is a lot more comfortable than vaginal sex.

shockingly, most of us do not want to be called girls.

dont misgender a trans person in a sex scene. at all. some of us like to be called good boys during sex. stop calling us girls.

some of us have had surgery. it is NOT mutilation. it is life saving. top surgery is one that we get most frequently. the results do look just like a cis mans chest. there are long thin scars under the pecs, but these fade after a few years. they may not even be visible. bottom surgery exists too.

metoidioplasty creates a micropenis out of the clitoris. it does look real. it looks like a regular micropenis. it has full sensation.

phalloplasty uses a flap of skin, usually from the forearm, and turns it into a penis. this surgery is more complex and is done in multiple stages. after it is complete, it looks like a circumcised penis. its size is dependent on the flap of skin used to make it, so it can actually be larger than average. (on r/phallo someone even got a reduction surgery because his dick was 7 inches long). the area the skin flap was taken from has pretty big scarring. it looks like the result of a severe burn. it is sometimes covered by a tatoo. there is a lot of misinformation about phalloplasty. it is a big surgery, but it is no where near as dangerous as the internet would have you believe. after it has fully healed it does look real, and a genital nerve is usually hooked up to the penis. it can take a while to heal (years), but after a few months sensation begins to return as the nerves heal. the clitoris is often buried in the base of the penis, and if a genital nerve hook up is done the penis can have full sensation, including the tip. not everyone gets full sensation, and it can take years for sensation to fully return, but 93% of men who get phalloplasty are satisfied with the results. that is a lot. it is quite rare that sensation is fully lost, so yes, you can orgasm after phalloplasty. one thing to note is that a phalloplasty penis cant get hard on its own. there are two types of implant for erections. one is a rod inside the penis, which can last over 20 years before needing a replacement. the rod is flexible, so can be positioned as an erection. the other implant is a internal pump that is more complicated than the rod, and needs to be replaced roughly every 15 years. it is filled with water and sits inside the penis. to get an erection, you squeeze one of the testicles, which is a pump implant, pushing the water into the penis, causing an erection.

most importantly, we are men. we can be feminine. we can be masculine. we can look exactly like cis men. dont forget that we are people, we are real. we are not some sex fantasy.

#ftm #trans #transexual #transgender #surgery #top surgery #metoidioplasty #phalloplasty #fanfic #mlm #t4t #detrans #queer

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