going through it, venting in the tags

a 21 year old kid in my hometown committed suicide (pretty publicly) last night and as someone who was very seriously suicidal at 21 too (but obviously lived to tell the tale), this goes out to all the suicidal kids in their early twenties:

I'm gonna be 31 in a couple of weeks and a couple of weeks ago would have been the ninth anniversary of my suicide attempt. I'm not gonna tell you things are going to be alright or even that things will get better because I don't know that for sure in your individual situation and I know that these phrases feel like empty promises.

However, and that's a fact: you'll grow. You'll be a different person a couple of months from now. You'll find things you'll like about yourself and you'll find you'll feel indifferent about things that you now may hate about yourself. You'll surprise yourself, you'll get to know new things about yourself. Life is change (and that's a good thing, even if it's simultaneously scary as fuck. Nothing lasts forever means that also the bad stuff doesn't last forever, even if it might look like it right now). You'll figure things out you'd never thought you'd be able to figure out. Other things will fall into place in ways that feel surreal. Some things won't work out (but sometimes that's for the better, and if not, it's still a part of life). Fuck what other people think (yes, including that person), their opinions don't control your life. Especially fuck what other people MIGHT think (that's none of your business and frankly, not your job to think for others as well. Focus on your own thoughts). Your brain isn't even fully developed yet, you're still learning to control your emotions and to cope with overwhelming things (kinda like a toddler basically!). This part does get easier with age, you'll see.

"It gets better" basically just means you'll learn how to navigate life better. You're in the process of creating your very own manual on how to survive. And you're doing a good job, even if you feel like a failure (cut yourself some slack - this is, after all, your first rodeo!), even if you think others handle it better than you (again, focus on yourself instead of others). So yeah, life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it gets really really hard, but what I've taken away from these moments is that I have my own back. The first time I had the realization that I can rely on myself, that I got my own back through it all, it felt like a warm hug from a friend. That's what they mean when they say you're strong. Because you are, even if you don't feel like it, or even if you don't want to be strong anymore (because it can get exhausting, I get it, but the fact that we can't help it because it's our defaulf setting is also kind of empowering, isn't it?).

Why do you care, you might ask, and I know this because I asked that same question when I read suicide prevention posts whenever I was in a dark place. It's true, I don't know you, and our lives likely won't cross paths, and it won't affect me whether you live or die. Chances are you feel like nobody would care but the truth is - somebody will be affected by it, probably even people you don't even know. I took half an hour out of my day to write this because a stranger whom I've never even met killed themselves and it shook me and reminded me that there are others out there who are just like them. Suicide is a fucking tragedy because it goes against every living being's survival instinct. We are a social species. We want to see each other thrive and survive. So in that sense, yes, somebody out there cares.

Also, it might not look like it, but there is still the good in this world. The little things, the details. Not to go "you have so much to live for" but the truth is, those are the things worth sticking around for. "This song/this pastry/this friendly dog in the street/this warm shower/etc. may be nice but it's not worth sticking around for because [big bad thing] outweighs it by a million times" you might argue. But [big bad thing] will start to look smaller with every good little thing. They have a tendency to grow around the big bad things until they suddenly start to look small in comparison. So keep looking out for them, they will start to accumulate.

The world has actually quite a few lovely places and life turns out to have its upsides. You can trust me on that.

my current mental health strategy is “if i have an absolutely endless string of little treats and activities to look forward to everything will be okay” and it's not NOT working

discussion with my psych yesterday about anxiety

he acknowledged that my anxiety has become sensitised much like fibro and chronic fatigue was and we talked about how weird the body was because it literally was indeed giving me highly sensitised anxiety symptoms for eating chilli—and I’ve been able to bring that down with exposure

but I needed a tool to help with when things are really bad like last week when there was an actual tiger (homelessness and having to move a house full of stuff in two months with cfs) looming over me and I was completely non functional and not abke to sleep

so he said the first thing to try is instead of pushing the panicked ‘tiger!!!!’ thoughts away (because I needed to sleep so that I could deal with them tomorrow) to hold onto them

just try to like pull them in and choke them out and keep them close. he said that your brain isn’t inclined to do that but as the thought slips through your brain that’s less inclined to linger. so we’ll see. he daid it takes practice and you’re training your brain so it won’t be like instantanouslybrsducing anxiety but it should teach your brain not to think anxiety is poisonous and make your body literally respond to that with physical symptoms

the other thing was that I kept saying ‘I’ll attack the problem tomorrow’ and trying to push away my thoughts every time my brain wanted to solve the issue and instead I should turn on the light and grab a pen and paper and write down the problem and everything I can think of that I can do in the moment, and then when I’ve run out I’ll have a higher chance to get to sleep. that one I should have realised myself because a lot of those sleepless nights are because my brain is a problem solver’s brain with existential issues and I often can’t get to sleep till I finish a story or solve the problem that it’s decided to latch onto and keep turning over

anyway hopefully I’ll be able to find this post again lmao

anyway what do you do when there is a tiger in the room with you? you hug the tiger aparently

sometimes i get this dreadful anxiety thinking about the fact that i'm stuck in an endless cycle of the seasons that i cannot escape but it's ok cause i've got a cute kitty living with me

I’ve been refusing vitamins in here bc I think they might be putting estrogen in them (I have not told them that) but I’m just like help girl I don’t want to take these unless they are in a bottle I brought myself. bc it could be estrogen :)

My OCD / Anxiety / Dissociation / God Knows What has been really bad recently and I've particularly been obsessed with the thoughts of "what if I'm going insane and dont know it" or, "what if the entire basis of my personality is changing and I'm going to become a different person"

I'm scared to do anything right now that isn't just 1) laying in bed being depressed or 2) going to work or 3) watching TV/Movies. I feel like even me being more active online in the last few days is another indicator of my impending insanity. I feel like me potentially drawing online again because I was excited and inspired by the episode is a sign that my personality is shifting and I'm losing touch of who I used to be. I'm forced to over intellectualize every single emotion and thought I experience, and take it as a sign that my identity and reality is crumbling. It's so debilitating. I don't know how I do this everyday and I'm constantly afraid it will just get worse.

Greetings bugs and worms!

This comic is a little different than what I usually do but I worked real hard on it—Maybe I'll make more infographic stuff in the future this ended up being fun. Hope you learned something new :)

If you are still curious and want to learn more about OCD, you can visit the International OCD Foundation's website. I also recommend this amazing TED ED video "Starving The Monster", which was my first introduction to the disorder and this video by John Green about his own experience with OCD.

The IOCDF's website can also help you find support groups, therapy, and has lots of online guides and resources as well if you or a loved one is struggling with the disorder. It is very comprehensive!

Reblog to teach your followers about OCD

(But also not reblogging doesn't make you evil, silly goose)

A strange thing about being on mental illness medication specifically anything that has to do with mood (so like most of it) is when people come and ask you if you took your medication today. A seemingly harmless question if you ignore the fact that they have never asked anything about your meds before and you realize the only reason they asked now is because you are in a bad mood/angry/upset. Even if you are rightfully upset because of something they did. You are on happy meds so be happy. You don't have the right to be upset anymore. The dehumanization is *chef's kiss*

It was like a vision from an angry god

"Why am I feeling depressed?" asks the person with depression

That "let the intrusive thoughts win" thing pisses me off like no other. Intrusive thoughts are literally intrusive because they are harmful and unwanted they are not things you want to or should do. Intrusive and impulsive thoughts are not the same thing.

Not to be anyone's anti-recovery strawman but I have no shame about my mental illnesses. I wish my symptom presentation got in my way a little less, sure, but on the whole I'm content with the person I am today, I'm content with who I was when I was going through the traumatic events, and I will continue to be content with who I'm gonna be down the road. Please be normal about that thnx

people with mental illness before you make a beautiful comic that obviously took a lot of work that compared mental illness to physical illness and is all about how physical illness is treated compared to mental illness maybe, I din’t know… you should ask someone who is sick whether they are treated as well as you are asserting?

no, people with physical illnesses are not believed. no, we are not gently told ‘that’s ok, get some more sleep,’ when we are too ill to do anything. we are not told any of the kind, loving things that artists on mental illness awareness campaigns are CONSTANTLY saying happen when you’re sick.

you know what we’re told?

we’re told that our very physical symptoms MUST BE A MENTAL ILLNESS and then we are treated ‘accordingly’

I’ve been. having dreams about people we used to know