I have a love-hate relationship with those posts that are like "if you want your friend group to do this thing, be the one to organize that thing!" "you have to be the one to text first" "if you want genuine friendships, the fact is that you have to put in the work." I get it, yeah, and I agree, connections come easier when you're reaching out. but I have spent my entire life in draining, one-sided, often toxic relationships, desperately putting every last ounce of my energy into maintaining and improving relationships that I never get anything close to the same amount of effort out of. it is fucking exhausting. boyfriends, best friends, family members, I have had to fight, tooth and nail, to have a fulfilling relationship with. and the vast majority of those relationships don't exist anymore, because the second my effort level dropped, the relationship evaporated, because the other person wouldn't pick up the slack and we just weren't able to recover, no matter what I did. I am tired. so, so tired, and so, so lonely, but I just can't make myself do it anymore. I can't make myself text another group chat and get ignored day after day. if I get another "sorry for the late reply, I'm not available at that time but can we reschedule :)" text two days after I send an invite, I'm going to implode. I've had enough of clinging to people that can't even reach for me. I've had enough of vain attempts at arranging get togethers. I've had enough of being the organizer, the first texter, the planner, the rock. I can't even stand making small talk in my classes anymore, because the second I stop, the whole table goes silent. I've never had a friend that wasn't either using me, or someone I felt responsible for. I've never had a friend I could depend on, because the ones I could bring my problems to either brushed them off or used them to manipulate me, and the others I needed to be there for, so I couldn't make them feel like I wasn't capable of doing so. I've never had a friend willing to put the same amount of effort into our relationship, even for a little while, as I was routinely putting in just to keep it alive. I know there are people out there who would. I know there are people out there who could be everything I've ever wanted in a friend, a partner, whatever. I'm just tired. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be the one to do the work. I think about those goddamn posts every time I wish my lab mates were more talkative, my project group would actually meet in person, my coworker would text or even ask for my instagram. I know I don't have friends because I don't try to make friends. but I'm sick of it. and I say that and I still try. but every time I realize I'm the only one really conversing, and the three people at my lab table are just giving me "uh huh's" and "that's crazy's," it feels like getting punched in the gut. every time I send a message to my shitty roommates and it goes unanswered for days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am burning myself up just trying to find someone to get lunch with me. I don't understand how other people do it. the mental illness probably isn't helping. but I no longer put any more effort into my friendships than I'm getting back, and it's depressing as hell that I can already see them fading. I stop trying to reach out to new friends when they aren't doing the same for me. I cried three times writing this stupid post, and all I can think about is how this might make me toxic, or lazy, or in some other way the problem. maybe it does. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I can't do it anymore. maybe I'm being unrealistic. maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know. but just once, I want someone to put in the effort for me.

learned something about myself lately

idk if this is accurate but i’ve felt like in previous seasons riz & gorgug have been one of the inter-bad kids dynamics we’ve seen the least of & this season has been so great in that aspect. gorgug having helped make some of riz’s magic gear. riz helping gorgug with his studies. the shared birthday party. gorgug’s gift to riz being something he himself made to protect riz. riz’s gift to gorgug being something he illegally grabbed to protect gorgug. gorgug who utilizes rage to put his body on the line for his friends & riz who will take deep levels of mental stress for his friends. even though it was within the context of a joke, riz calling gorgug an “absolute sweetie.” like yea they might not be in a band together or both part of a presidential campaign team or owlbears teammates, but they’d go to war for each other, because they’re best friends.

That omake of little Kabru not being able to show off his howetown sweets because of Misril gets to me a lot so...

Here's a happier Kabru (and Lairu)

being an adult means we can buy or make as much self-indulgent shit (as we can afford) and unironically have trinkets of our fave things cause our teen years was bullied for liking things and hiding/denying we were ever neurodivergent to the point of suicide. sucks for anyone that thinks its weird cringe but I'm going to try and allow myself to love myself in little ways now

Another silly

maybe i do want us to kiss a little more

are you really besties if you can't share a joint

Falin in the Isle of Wa

ft Benichidori and Hien 👯‍♀️

Part 1 of my postcanon dyke drama cinematic universe

Part 2

Interlude

Part 3

hot man hot birdman im so sorry hot fire bird man?!?!

aka glorious gijinka!Tengu Jin design by @hirumi25 has made me 👀💦?!?! because wowie thats some hecking fire design!

and of course i couldnt just not draw Hirumi's Nomi-kun with him too

Been really pondering Fantoccio and the cursed citizens lately… like, if you’re stuck in a city for 15 years with some of your only company being these cursed globby versions of the people that used to surround you normally, you’d start to Notice Things that remind you of who they used to be, right?

If nothing else Koenma is a Kuwabara stan and I'm right there with him o7 (I need to write the kuwameshi fic that goes with this fr)

So much experimenting to be done, where to even start (Patreon)

I love this Au so much and I love the idea of the league thinking that Alfred is the one who built/created the batfam thanks to misunderstandings.

Alfred is unimpressed with the time that Bruce has brought Dick back- and brought guests back!- on a school night.

Au belongs to my mutual @phoenixcatch7 and you deserve to check them out <3