idk if this is accurate but i’ve felt like in previous seasons riz & gorgug have been one of the inter-bad kids dynamics we’ve seen the least of & this season has been so great in that aspect. gorgug having helped make some of riz’s magic gear. riz helping gorgug with his studies. the shared birthday party. gorgug’s gift to riz being something he himself made to protect riz. riz’s gift to gorgug being something he illegally grabbed to protect gorgug. gorgug who utilizes rage to put his body on the line for his friends & riz who will take deep levels of mental stress for his friends. even though it was within the context of a joke, riz calling gorgug an “absolute sweetie.” like yea they might not be in a band together or both part of a presidential campaign team or owlbears teammates, but they’d go to war for each other, because they’re best friends.

Fhjy e2 reactions this episode is batshit and I love them but also I’m so sad

I’ll be so real gang I am stressed and have been in a downwards thought spiral so we’ll see how this goes yeah?

I love Adaine making her mage hand look like Riz’s ringed hand that’s so fun and lovely

Also the mage hand mini is so cool

Don’t patronize me, it’s bad 😔

Goddamn they’re good

Would you be interested in healing us?? Spare healing o cleric??

I love that they could heal the hangvan

The night yorb’s art is SO cute I need a plushie of it. I’m gonna just buy galaxy patterned fleece and make one.

It feels like a stretch???

It’s gonna bite!

I just thought if I acted excited it would be good

Naur 💀

Armor of ayda!!!

Go sit on a whisky bottle you punk bitch !

Duggan and Balthazar definitely explored each others bodies we’re all agreed on this right. In my mind they had something like the cowboy and the roman soldier from night at the museum had.

“This is hot” Emily I agreeeee

Perfect example of gambler’s fallacy but y’know what this did just reinforce it

Nothing I can do! Brennan. Brennan come on.

That’s a feat I took in LIFE

They THREW that that die TRAVELLED

“You know I’m always rooting for you”

Oh GOD

No more probability smashing ok murph?

Y’know what for being fully run over by a van? 22 points of damage is not bad.

Was last episode really only two rounds of combat

He is So defeated

I’m hurting 😡

ALSO the portal is so cool. This battle set is amazing.

The blood on the windshield I can’t

Oooooof

Can she resummon Baby?? Has he died before I can’t remember?

“From when you ran me over” as if Fabian is not Solely responsible for the choices he’s made. Riz didn’t intentionally run you over babe you fell out of the van.

This is. Not great!

What hell!

Oh nooooo

Cmon Murph please

SHIT

Oh god

Oh my god you are about to kill your healer

She had 23!!

Aaaaaaaaa oh god

:( I feel bad for the cute manta ray

Ally’s gonna sue you if they hit you

With my wizarding powers and my absolutely fucked van ! Gorgug thistlespring the man that you are

OH SHIIIIIIT

Yessss

Ok yeah that makes sense that was on the bingo

Ok so the van now holds the night yorb sealed in its roof and an angel in the engine. Fantastic.

That mural is beautiful

They’re so exhausted guys. School starts tomorrow.

(What an episode to air the week I go back to class and have Such A Bad Time Guys)

Eeeeeeeeeesh

Don’t menace me!

It means something to me emotionally. Gorgug Car Guy Thistlespring <3

You wanted to do a bit so now we’re doing a bit. Suffer for your bit.

Does the back door of the van mini open?? Bc that’s sick

Ooooh Ally has custom spell cards with the d20 logo on them. Those are neat

He’s gonna stab these guys but it’s not with any of the normal zeal 😔

Jesus

Just to try and feel something

JESUS

Why do you guys careee you’re bugssss

Brennan.

Zac oh god

‘Guys I think Fig’s getting hit with the ballista right now’

She doesn’t even cutting words she just takes it 😭😭

It’s that era, The Ball 😭😭

Oh my fucking god

The noises of defeat they’re all making

I want an ice cream. Like the old days.

Just like that ART oh I’m gonna reblog that art of them at basrar’s so bloody after a fight

I love them. I missed the bad kids guys.

I think we’ve gotta go to sleep.

Wooooo

Love an aso callback

Love wins 💅

We’re done doing this!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

What kind of BULLSHIT

God this is so unhinged

No bonus action healing or anything Kristen?

Brennaaaaaan

So tactical. So late. So dead.

The slowest and saddest three point turn

The least enthusiastic stab

You didn’t! Have! To do it! You could! Have had! Ice cream! I! Want! To go! Home!!!

Oooooof

OOOOOF

That Turncoat 😢

This is so fucking sad.

What the fuck man

I don’t know why anything happened. Why did any of that happened.

The shard of the day yorb

Fig why would you ask that.

Riz desperately trying to keep the group together is so heartbreaking

The fucking dry guys

BY MEPHITS FOR MEPHITS

Gotta stay awake in the dome motherfuckers

Oh my GOD

They’re gonna cry man

Dome art!

Brennan what are you about to do

Daisy Cubby!!!!

Fig. What.

I’M gonna cry.

Everyone’s gonna cry.

Is it fun man. Is it really.

Map!!!

It says fuck you zac ☺️ in beautiful writing!

Emily Axford the woman you are……….

What the fuck is happening right now.

Oh god oh no

This is so horrifying

Kristen. Kristen No.

I love the map!

Oh god.

Oh the Hallariel art is FANTASTIC

Are they going on their honeymoon. I have paused the episode to write this are hallariel and Gilear going on a honeymoon did they get married and not invite their kids because they were saving the world I’m gonna be so pissed

Oh the Gilear art is cursed

Okay they’re going on a cruise.

Gilear’s voice has dropped

Oh SHIT okay so I wasn’t that far off

This is just. So fucking sad. I know that it’s gonna get happier because it’s fantasy high but right now this is so fucking sad

They’re newlyweds??? So they did fucking get married?????

Leaving for MONTHS after your only child gets back from saving the world and you got married to one of his best friends’ dad without your child or your new spouse’s child there is so horrible oh my god. I am real life mad about this.

Ok interesting things happening with Gilear and luck. Is Gilear not gonna go see Fig at Mordred before he leaves for a year???

Guys there is still almost an hour left in this episode is it all gonna be this fucking sad

Oh my god he inherited the singing barrel pirates

Good for them being unionized

Sklondaaaaaa

She’s got her own boarddddd

I love her

God they’re powerful this season

SKLONDA ART FUCKS

Oh thank god a loving mother.

It was… ssso tactical

That summer before junior year growth spurt/style shift combo is so real

Oh shit. The single mother struggling to pay for college storyline is gonna fuck me up monumentally I think. Fuck.

Scholarships are gonna be really important 🥲 line taken from my real life

Setting up a board is to riz gukgak what a spreadsheet is to me. I am him he is me.

Please god I need the thistlesprings to not make me sad

They’re so cute!!!!

Zac looks fucking near tears

Oh god any time Brennan’s face gets a little more serious and the music kicks in my heart just sinks

GORGUG AND ZELDA BROKE UP? 😭😭

That does not make any sort of sense

Staying tight with your ex’s parents is also so real lmaooo

He had a toothbrush at her house??????

The bad girls are so important to me

Awwwwwwwww

They’re aaaall crying

ZAYN THE RETURN OF ZAYN MY BEST FRIEND ZAYN DARKSHADOW

And Ragh and Lydia!! Yay!!

SANDRA LYNN FAETH THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE. I WOULD BE SO GOOD TO YOU YOU DONT’ EVEN KNOW.

Brb printing out the new Sandra Lynn art to hang on my wall

They’re so tired guys

Squeem is alive? Ok

Jawbone man.

Oh god. Literally.

Sobbing this is literally the high school mentality

Guys. Guys.

It’s a real crapshoot for me finishing things. Yep.

Babe that is not a measurement of classes.

Yes that is a thing you can do. You can take time off for extreme circumstances.

LOVE the Aguefort art. Slay.

Also love that the way Brennan gets into the Aguefort voice is to do the peace hands

He’s going on vacation with ayda?????

Ayda looks great

Oh God No

How could this possibly go wrong?

What is the quangle and why is it going to cause so many problems

Oh nooooooo

That’s so fucking sad christ alive

Oh god

Emily.

PEOPLE LOVE SKITS ON ALBUMS

“Does nobody respect the fact that it takes time to save the world” feels like the thesis of the season

Trackerbees breakup about to be confirmed??

ZAYN ART ZAYN ART ZAYN ART

Look at my best friend in the whole wide world and his pet rat. He’s so fucking pretty.

Aelwyn moved out??

Augh.

Oh that’s lovely actually

Oh aelwyn looks GOOD.

And she’s got cats and is teaching middle school??? Good for herrrr

Awww that’s sweet

Oh right somehow I completely forgot that Fig did a fucked up devil deal

Oh god fig’s spilling on her shirt. Did she somehow swap fates with Gilear or something.

Sandra lynnnnnnnn

That is a good way to think about classes :)

What??

Nooooooooooooo

Sometimes you really do just have to give Nothing constructive in an improv scene sometimes it’s better

Trackerbees breakup confirmed. Tracker’s doing great.

Still interested in the retcon or whatever happened with Tracker originally being a cleric of Lida and then switching to Galicea

Cassandra I’m sorry you and Kristen are both struggling so much

Oh Whatttt no

If Cassandra dies and goes to the astral plane I will be so sad.

Holy SHIT guys.

Liveblog-ish Dimension 20 S1 Ep14 & 15

(time stamp of slightly after what im talking about) my thoughts/questions/reactions. just so its easier for you to read/know what im talking about

ep 14 (5:30) YEAAAAAA GORGUG W THE NAT 20 CHA SAVE!!!!!! LETS GOOOOO!!!!!

(15:50) yooooo fig has dimension door?!?!? :DDDDD

(1:03:33) im so proud of riz, good job my guy on overloading the downloding thingy

(1:19:38) OH MY GOD GORGUG TAKES 48 DAMAGE BUT HE’S STILL UP!!!!!! WOOO!!!

(1:26:17) oh thank god riz is safe (or… well… his palimpsest is no longer in the machine). i feel bad for zelda and the rest of the girls :,(

(1:28:50) OH MY FUCKING GOD FABIAN ROLLED A NAT 20!!!!! HE DID IT!!!!!! MEETS IT BEATS IT AND HE MET THE OTHER ROLL!!!!!

(1:31:01) fig, ily, but please dont kill biz. you might need him to get riz free, and possibly the other trapped kids too

(1:39:22) ajdhjd biz: “im cool too” adaine: *doubt*

(1:40:27) ohhhhh shit. all there families are threatened. i mean, adaine’s family, i don’t particularly care about, but everyone else!

ep 15 (12:36) ohhhhhh shit theyre under arrest for killing a bunch of people. i was wondering when this was going to bite them in the ass but like,,, why now??? why couldnt it have been after they solved this mystery and saved everyone?

(25:16) AKSHDJBDJD THE PRINCIPAL SAID TO KILL WHOEVER THEY NEED TO KILL TO GET OUT. OH MY GOD DAMN

(28:39) oh man i feel so bad for fig 🥺

(33:25) oh no why does bill seacaster have a palimpsest???? please tell me this is just a coincidence and hes not actually a bad guy

(35:00) …ok that does not feel good. like, bill might not actually abuse fabian, but that feels like its toeing the line at the minimum. like oh my god dont fucking shove your son!!!

(43:40) ohhhhhh my god those cops are SO incompetent

(47:15) omg they’re missing prom!

(48:30) oh my god those fucking halflings /pos

(58:30) ohhhhhh shit. kalvaxis cant touch that book and the only reason why adaine removed the book was bc aelwyn told her to

(1:00:30) oh my god is adaine the next elven oracle?!?!?!

(1:06:00) ok ill be honest, ive seen the clips of the finale(?) so i was just waiting for them to notice something was off about goldenhoard, sorry, goldenrod

(1:13:50) NOOO THEIR FAMILIES!!!! well ok i dont care about adaine’s family, bUT EVERYONE ELSES!!!!

(1:25:30) oh kristen 🥺 she saved adaine’s family

(1:32:50) oh thank god gilear is ok!

(1:33:50) AJDHSJDJ “do you want to go to prom with me mom?” “kiddo i was so afraid you would ask”

(1:36:35) oh my god gorgug’s parents 🥺😭🧡

(1:49:01) oh no brennan why’d you have killed off one of the parents?!?!?! 😭

(1:52:30) that was a really cool way for him to die but bill dying makes me so sad :,(

I’m sick and anxious as hell so in order to bring myself some hope and joy, I’m making some Fantasy High AU headcanons cause a girl’s too busy to finish a fic atm.

Here’s the first. Fantasy High Western. Like y’all just think of it. First of all I’d die for a D20 western but also the ✨aesthetic✨

Fig and Gorgug work at the local saloon. Normally, Fig works as a waitress and Gorgug tends the bar.

The saloon is called the Pit and is owned by, you guessed it, Gilear. Why? Because I think it’s hilarious and I also love the idea that Gorthalax is normally a bounty hunter/master of disguise who spends most of his time traveling. He figured after cucking Gilear he owed the guy, so he left him in charge of the Pit. Also, it was definitely all Fig’s idea.

Fig and the Cig Figs are normally the main entertainers at the Pit and they fucking rock hard. By which I mean Gorgug still plays the drums but sometimes he hunches over a tiny standing piano while Fig sings music made specifically written to roast the patrons of the Pit.

Kristen Applebees is still a follower of Helio at the beginning, still all about her god, but this time it isn’t meeting god that changes her it’s plain and simple the cult sucks and she witnesses their crimes first hand. Meeting the rest of the Bad Kids, getting close to people outside of her religion, and falling for Tracker are all things that slowly help her overcome years of brainwashing.

She meets Fig and Adaine at the Pit when she goes there to hang out and expand her worldview. She tricked Daybreak (the cult leader in this narrative) by saying she was there to recruit. Instead she has fun with Fig, who is the opposite of everyone she’s ever known, and Adaine, who’s anxieties open up some vulnerabilities in her. Also, I just want more moments with the three girls cause like it’s cute y’all.

Speaking of Adaine...so here’s the thing. It’s pretty simple, cut and dry stuff, she’s the daughter of wealthy diplomats who have been sent to Solace from Fallinel. Basically, things stay mostly the same except instead of being a wizard Adaine is a straight up witch. I’m talking covens, I’m talking moonlit potion making, I’m talking the Abernants have their status cause of magic.

Adaine meets witches from new covens throughout the story; namely Ayda and Tracker. But before she meets them she meets Fig, she meets Gorgug, she meets Kristen, and then she meets--dun, dun, dunnn!

Riz Gukgak, private investigator, son of Sklonda Gukgak, Marshal at Law. Sure, most of his cases have been about lost pets, and sure, technically his mom doesn’t approve, but he’s good. Like really good. He broke the case on an opioid ring run by Johnny Spells while solving the mystery behind Zayne Darkshadow’s missing rat.

Recently, his friend Penny and her family got on a wagon to move and settle outside the Nightmare King’s Forest but the wagon never made it far past the borders of Spyre. The wagon was found tipped over, all of her family was killed, but Penny’s body was nowhere to be found. Riz thinks she’s been kidnapped for some nefarious plot but everyone believes the coyotes just ate her body before anyone found them

Enter Fabian Aramais Seacaster. Do y’all know about traveling wild west shows? Think Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. These were not super ethical, but they were traveling shows where a lot of the entertainment ranged from freak shows to storytelling to shooting demonstrations. Normally, these began because some writer would take a person’s heroic tales on the west and amp up what actually happened. Fabian Seacaster, son of the infamous outlaw and desperado Bill Seacaster, is riding across Solace in his three-man show (the other men are Ragh and Cathilda, who his mother sent with him to take care of him) spreading his legend  and showing off his amazing sword fighting. He’s most famous for his father’s legacy but following that he’s famous (or trying to be) for slicing a bullet in half and for beating anybody armed with a gun with only his blade alone. And Ragh is just a beast, does like a whole strongman routine.

I imagine the story starts with Fig, Adaine, Kristen, and Gorgug meeting at the Pit. Riz comes in for a drink, but mostly for a tip. He wants to know if Fig has been able to get in contact with Gorthalax because he has a lot of criminal contacts and Riz’s only clue is a matchbook he found from the Nine Hells Theater, a famous den of sin where a lot of outlaws and criminals hang. She asks him if it’s time sensitive cause Gorthalax has been deep undercover. Riz is bummed out, he needs a new lead. Then they hear a racket outside, Fabian Aramais Seacaster’s Wild West Show.

Riz realizes Fabian’s dad might be able to get him into the Nine Hells Theater and immediately sets out to befriend him. By which I mean they duel. If Riz wins Fabian will help, if Fabian wins then Riz will leave him and Ragh alone so they can do their show.

Basically the Harvest Men are involved somehow, got some classic found family stuff, shoot outs, and nonstop daring do. Also kisses, lots of kisses, cause your girl is a shipper and can’t help it.

I have some other thoughts, especially regarding shipping and shipping moments but that’s all I’ve got right now.

The 5 hour finale live stream just concluded and y’all, it was crazy. It has been a wonderful several months with all you guys and I am so excited for April 8th and Junior Year. 

MASSIVE SPOILERS UNDER THE FOLD IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THE STREAM YET. Here is my clusterfuck of a commentary. Enjoy!

Fantasy High: Sophomore Year Live Reaction -HOOT GROWL BABY it's time. I didn't react to part one but wOW that one was crazy. Get ready for EMOTIONS :'(( -SIG FIG RESCUE MISSION lol #ontour -well ok brennan that canopy shit is scary as fuck -murph is still looking like riz -Zaphriel and Ayda!!!!!!! -"HOLD ME BACK GORGUG" i love u emily -Brennan I stg -Ayda is Gorgug's dad lol -oh shIT they're totally in the cottage -heLL YEAH AYDA!! -oh GOD figayda kiss? exceptional. -if ayda dies i WILL throw dice at Brennan -ok brennan make me cry then -GET THE VAN GORGUG -gorgug truly is the greatest wizard of this age -#hugeblueguy -aww zac oyama i love you -"semi-fallen" oH dEar -gorgug texts zelda IMMEDIATELY i love him -amaZING thank you zelda -"ew, creepy, hate that" -zaphriel is the best character you guys, what a homie -i keep forgetting ayda can fly. like she has wings. i know that. -AELWYN! -nOPE someone is coming through the forest and if it's arianwen i will kill cry -HANGMAN???? -HANGMAN!!!! HIS DOG!!!!! -HANGMAN NO I LOVE YOU YOU'RE THE CUTEST DOGGY -adaine i love you baby -"the weak yogurt man" -what high ranking devil??? -fabian you're adorable -aww fabian has a puppy!! (i get that the hangman is eight feet long don't @ me) -that's the first "the ball" -lou can never have the highest roll -BARDY BOYS -oop kristen and riz time -tracker? i barely even know her -chills, brennan. chills -someone in the chat just said "so did skrank fuck zelda?" -intense muSIC -nononononononono -ragh, tracker, and sandralynn better be all right -ooo a sTICK -HELL YEAH RETURN OF THE RIBBON DANCE -"riz weeps" holy shit i love him -"something bad always happens when we go off together" -#RIZTEN -awwoOOOOOOO -ayda can fly too! -absolutely FUCK this bridge ABOUT 30 MINUTES -poor ayda -please say they're ok brennan -"put your tongue baCK in your mouth" -sANDRA LYNN NO -"what kind of arrows" "you know what kind" fuCK OFF BRENNAN -if baxter dies i will cry -wait faerie fire is a cleric spell..? absolutely fuck me -ok aelwyn let's fuck shit up -calling the bank in the middle of this nightmare forest lol -heLL YEAH ZAPHRIEL -luck check luck check luck check -"y'all are going to turn into dragons" -fabian straight up cries? what a fucking rich kid -NO WAY HE HAD T H E COIN??? -REMOVE CURSE BABY -"nnOOO!" lmao -ally and brennan are in the chat -kristen's religion is REALLY coming in handy -the name was turned into the night yorb lol -"how's that axe feeling?" "..pretty light ;)" i love him -ayda can lift the axe??? exceptional -FIG IS KALINA? ABSOLUTELY RAD -brennan has created a place where illusions are real and emily is holding him TO IT -"do you have a dongle?" incredible -EMILY I LOVE YOU! KALINA IS A YOUTUBER BABY -wretchrot is baCK baby -aelwyn i love that -"i am a low quality child" "yeah ayda you're a bad kid" -"hey bitch" emily axford is a goddess -im sorry cOURT OF ELDERS? -NO I WILL CRY -ROLL INITIATIVE TIME -go OFF hangman -ooo some high initiatives babyyy -zac oyama is my favorite ever -"trackerrr" -brian as soon as emily was threatened said "how dare you" -brennan you FUCK "i'm awake for all of this" FUCK YOU -fig and her mommy issues: an album -absolutely FUCK THE TREE GUY -kick that wood elf BITCH ABOUT ONE HOUR -fuck him UP fabian, shit in his gODDAMN mOUTh -"SPRING BREAK YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER" -pleASE BRENNAN LET HIM SHOOT HER WITH THE TINCTURE -spRING break this is for the corn god -okay nevermind riz is holding his action -i love the intrepid heroes they're adorable -"ice feast" fucking love them so much -yES the ball thank GOD -brennan..? -"her rage ends" tracker = barbarian -FIRST NAT 20 BABY -"IT 100% WORKS BUT IT 50% WORKED" -that's the second "the ball" -bOOOOOOO BRENNAN -mad plans for the tree guy -sorry, is his name crAFTME ROOTDRINKER? -oh ok it's aelwyn we're fine -cone of cOLD baby i love aelwyn what a babe -you absolutely hate to see it -ragh my baby i love you -SPRING BREAK -tracker nO PLEASE -TRACKER JUST CRIT OH NO -brennan is really good at acting this btw -wait 14 on a crit??? i mean oH NO kRISTEN, bOO -disPEL MAGIC BABY -ALLY BEARDSLEY YOU ABSOLUTE GOD -aww kristennn is babyyy -tracker nooo don't cryyyy -you've sAVED your GIRLFRIEND -"some of us have already done that today" fig the sHADE -ally simply musT get new dex -absolutely fuck that brennan i don't need that vampire pixie -FUCK IT UP AYDA -FIGHT ME IN THE SKY! -"does a 29 hit?" daMN zac that absolute SHADE -53 DAMAGE?? CHEJ IS SO FUCKING STRONG -"goddamn paper lantern" -absolutely fuck you brennan -nevermind gorgug and adaine both passed the con saving throw -"i don't like you" lou really gets personally upset about this and i love that -nO NO NONONONO aelwyn and tracker are down -FUCK IT UP ADAINE -gdi brennan don't do this to us -ABSOLUTELY FUCK THE TREE -fig is straight up gonna kill her mom -this is scary as fuck -HANGMAN HAS A BREATH WEAPON AND YOU DIDN'T SAY SHIT??? CHOKE ON GRAPES BRENNAN -FUCK EM UP HANGMAN ABOUT 1 HOUR AND A HALF -wood elf is DOWN baby hoot growl -kristen thinks the elf is gak lol -23 DAMAGE??? AC OF 25??? ABSOLUTELY FUCK IT UP FABIAN -SHENANIGANS TIME FOR MURPH -HELL SECRET AGENT TIME -27??? RIZ YOU'RE THE HOTTEST -third the ball -imagine the ball is secretly SO HOT without the hat -YES BRENNAN GOT A NAT 1 EAT YOUR GODDAMN DICE -sweEET -fourth the ball (they've all been Lou cuz of course) -incredible turn murph -kalina is SO GOOD at skateboarding -#bloodphoto -KALINA HAS 23 WISDOM? absolutely fuck me -oh hELL YEAH FIG COUNTER THE COUNTER -emily is doing some SHIT right now you guys (fear spell) -DAMMIT that high as fuck wisdom -sorry WHAT she rips open sPACE??? -BABY BETTER SAVE THE GODDAMN DAY -let's go BABY -"mMMHHHHnnN leET ME tOUCh ItT" baby is fucking weird -"baby vs mommy" i love you siobhan -aelwyn better not DIE brennan -riz baby let's get it -trACKEr -nAT 1??? kristen is unCONSCIOUS?? -HUMAN DETERMINATION!!! THE GRIT BABY] -wait aura of life is badass!! they can't lose damage?? -okay scrap that we're gonna TURN UNDEAD and then MASS HEALING WORD? absolutely incredible -gorgug has so much goddamn health -FUCK THIS TREE DUDE -KILL IT AYDA LET'S GO -"her girl's side" *in lou voice* okAY bRENNNAn -second nat 1 but both of them re-rolled -GEM!!!! -LET'S GET GORTHALAX BABYYYY -"BIG DADDY" -ayda is so turned on lol -KILL IT CHEJ OKAYYYY -fuck this centaur -i'm so nervous -puT THOSE DICE DOWN BRENNAN -"you're gonna drop." shuT UP -riz is fULLY DEAD???? -i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. -sHUT UP BRENNAN -baby is DEAD oh my GOD you absolutely hate to see it ABOUT 2 HOURS -nO NO NO NO NO NO NO PUT THAT CROWN AWAY BITCH -absolutely fuck me, the nightmare king is totally fucking back i hate myself -aww fabian is baby -hELL YEAH FABIAN SPRING BREAK -"i've lost one friend, that's too many" fabian is adorable -"that's a full ass miss, my guy" -sandra lynn just crit on chej :(((((( -14 damage is not very spring break of her (she did 28 but it was halved because gorgug is such a strong boyyy) -LET'S GO LOU -almost all of them are spellcasters wtf (only one who isn't is riz but he has a daily misty step) -fuck em up hangman -fUCK EM UP HANGMAN! d8 + 2d6 +8 i think -figaroth the unfaethable baby -THOSE ARE SOME SHENANIGANS FIG I LOVE IT (she's shattering the rubies to get a revivify diamond) -casts teleport??? aelwyn came here to FUCK -"i would love to teach you this spell" aww the abernant sisters liking each other is my new aesthetic -fuck em up adaine -you can hit the tree on a 12 babyyyyy -heLL YEAH 44 DAMAGE ADAINE IS STRONG NOW -kalina is not even that cool she just said "that's enough of that" in the most uncool way -2 down 3 to go! -omg wait it would be so badass if they could just remove curse on kalina -"Mr. The Insatiable" -ayda is such a sweetheart "i don't care if you want me to date your daughter but i do hope you love me" -"I LOVE THIS SONG" yes siobhan me too -on a DC 20 she got a 31!!!! consider my jeans creamed -SHRED BABY GIRL!!! -KILLIAN IS DEAD! RIZ IS ALIVE! -ayda is so turned on AHHH -I LOVE RIZ SO MUCH "am i interrupting something???" -fuck him UP chej! 3 hits, no crits -hell yeah mr. march!! oh sorry wrong series -a gROUP PROJECT i'm DEAD -someone in the chat called him "snac oyama" and you're rigHT -siobhan's straight fucking this tree UP -the spellcasters are like all out of spells at this point -fuck OFF arianwen. KILL YOUR MOM -"where's your father, aelwyn?" "last i saw, adaine killed him so *shrug*" i lOVE HER -FUCK THEM UP GORTHALAX -abolutely fuck the nightmare king -waIT GORTHALAX IS GONNA KILL THE NIGHTMARE KING -sidenote: fig calls gorthalax pops -dO IT BRENNAN kILL YOUR OWN BIG BAD -this treeant has GOT to be dead -NAT 1 on that attack?? SPRING BREAK BABY -no we haven't seen kalina in action brennan, and we do not want to -OH SHIT THE TIE! YOu just got FUCKed bRENnan eaT youR DICE -yeS AYDA ROAST HER -"GOTTEM!" -i'm sorry i just hallucinated, did you say 6 ATTACKS? -time to go VIRAL BABY -19 intelligence, 23 wisdom, 20 charisma for kalina? absolutely fuck me -riz just got kICKed! you absolutely hate to see it -GODDAMMIT -KALINA IS HOMOPHOBIC CONFIRMED ABOUT 2 AND A HALF HOURS -brennan be like "im about to kill this bird" -absolutely fuck me i hate this -let's go FIG -time to caTCH the bALL -murph has the same thinking face as riz and it's adorable -this is not very spring break brennan -DC 25 acrobatics check? c'mon faBIAN -29????? -fifth the ball (from the hangman) -"there's just something endearing about him" fabian loving his friends is adorable -absolutely fuck me that fire elemental is adorable -absolutely swaddle the ball -well hot take but fuck the nightmare king you guys -absolutely NOT brennan do NOT kill adaine you PSYCHO BITCH -PLEASE ADAINE LIVE -STRAIGHT DEAD? FULLY DEAD? FUCK OFF WITH THIS INSTAKILL SHIT BRENNAN -hell yeah ayda is back and kristen has the revivify diamond -aelwyn FULLY banished that unicorn -it's good to know ragh really doesn't want them to die -YES RAGH IS BACK BABY -fuck em up kristen -s/o to DND Beyond btw absolutely banger website -hell yeah mass healing word is awesome -clerics are GOOD you guys i should play more clerics -FUCK IT UP AYDA -SANDRA LYNN IS BACK BABY -skater chej is my favorite thing -aBSOLUTEly fuck the tree -i have no idea wHAT is happening ABOUT 3 HOURS -fuCK YOU nightmare king -i absolutely hate this battle but at least gorthalax is still standing -gorgug better split this gd tree -"what if we just kill kalina?" yeah zac it's that goddamn easy -brennan almost just fucked everyone -"does she want to borrow my teddy bear?" the SHADE -"MAKEOVERRR" i love you siobhan -this tree SUCKS -battlemaster is cool as fUCK SPRING BREAK -BARDY BOYS also i think that was a nat 20 -i can't imagine the thistlesprings watching the battle livestream and like worrying if gorgug is going to die -FUCK HER UP THE BALL -ABSOLUTE SHENANIGANS FROM MURPH! -with ADVANTAGE BABY -"has anyone seen my hat!?" keep it off baby you're HOT now -"mirrors negate mirrors" "i think oscar wilde said that" i love them -#hotrizweek? -holy shit fig is FUCKING THIS BATTLE UP -HELL YEAH KALINA ROLLS A NATURAL 2!!!! -hell yeah adaine is back and SO MUCH is happening that i'm like forgetting to write down my reactions -kill this woody motherfucker baby -the music is too lOUD -ok it's normal now -fuck em up gorgug -i'm sorry the chat is saying he did 90 DAMAGE?!?!?!? -KILL IT CHEJ ILY -fuck off brennan, absolutely fuck off -ABSOLUTELY FUCK OFF BRENNAN -gorthalax is FULLY DEAD? absolUTELY FUCK YOU -SAINT KRISTEN APPLEBEES -adaine has SOLVED THIS SHIT -god all the abernant names are confusing -fuck you kalina ABOUT 3 AND A HALF HOURS -BRENNAN I STG IF RAGH ENDS UP DEAD -hellish rebuke that bitch -c'MON faBIAN HIT that BITCH -wait is kalina a rogue and a druid? absolutely incredible -FUCK IT UP FABIAN -OMG THE HANGMAN BETTER FUCK THIS UP -YES THE BALL 31 DAMAGE -so the stream just ended. i'll say it again: absolutely fuck me -ok so we're back and kalina got fucked up -WHAT THE FUCK A NAT 20???????? YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO SEE IT -ALLY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS -I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AND NEITHER CAN BRENNAN -MAGIC IS REAL AND SO IS MY ALLY -i can't believe this. eat your GOD damn DICE brennan! -OMG ARE THE NIGHTMARE KING AND THE GODDESS ONE AND THE SAME? -THEY ARE! THE NIGHTMARE KING IS THE NIGHTMARE QUEEN -brennan is CRAZY AHHHHH -brennan absolutely stop this tension -28 insight. brennan is fucked -GO TOWARDS HIM KRISTEN -YES!!!! PLEASE SAY THIS IS A GOOD THING -ALLY GOT A NAT 20 THEY BETTER BE RIGHT -fear. is. not. real. -this is just like the ending of moana -NO WAY BRENNAN I LOVE YOU (you wouldn't believe it from what i have said but it's true) -this is intense i'm about to cry -you're meeting god and you say "is it too early for this?" -LMAO 5'9" -Moral of the story: IDK and that's OK -ok ally make me cRy -HELL YEAH NEW SHIRT BABY -i'm so emotional -"well oBVIouslY cASsAndRa" i wish every deity had names as normal and human as cassandra -fuck them UP cassie -i love that tracker's just like "uh... babe?" -love having god in your corner -no more hangman puppy :((( -RIZTEN are the CUTEST i love them "i love all of them, riz the most, we know this" -"we still need the crown for our grade" FABIAN I LOVE YOU -"counselo- former counsel- i'm an assistant :(" why do y'all think this man is hot -KILL ARIANWEN -"she tried to hurt me in my shattered state?" "that's her MO" aww adaine my baby -HOLY SHIT PLEASE GIVE GILEAR ALL OF ARIANWEN'S MAGIC -GORGUG YOU SWEETHEART I LOVE YOU -cassandra throwing SHADE -ThE vANdS -aelwyn throwing SHADE -AWW RAGH I LOVE YOU BABY brennan lives another day -"a big bug gave me a riddle" that is NOT what happened -aww the hirelings are all crying and i DO NOT stan -hell YEAH cassandra OH I STOPPED KEEPING TRACK OF TIME IT'S BEEN OVER 4 HOURS -hELL YES HANGVAN -i love you fabian -nO IS CHUNGLE DOWN BIM REAL? -maybe the real chungle down bim is the friends we made along the way -GARTHY i love them -arthuR aGUEFORT - absolutely wild -ayda and arthur is crazy -"snOGGING THE HEADMASTER'S DAUGHTER ARE WE?" -awww that is so smooth fig "you don't need to make me the most magnificent creature because it seems you already have" -ARTHUR PULLS THROUGH -garthy is a cutie i love how they care so much for ayda -oH FUCK ME garthy is ayda's child from her previous life -"your girlfriend's daughter fucked your mom!" goddammit siobhan i can't handle this -if they fail i will cry -CHRONOMANCY!? absolutely fuck me -"professor principal headmaster aguefort" -hell yeah arthur you're killing it -faelwyn? absolutely can't handle it -aww kristen is baby -jawbone and sandra lynn are ok? amazing -jawbone is the best character -"our parents are great" kill me why don't you siobhan -AWWW FUCKING STOP BRENNAN WITH THESE GIFTS -i just cried he wants to adopt her -"you're easy to love" jawbone is fUCKING me up -LYDIA BARKROCK what a badass i love her already -"a pheonix whom everyone she touches is reborn better" fuck off emily -gorgug is a cutie <3 <3 -ABSOLUTELY KICK SKRANKS BIRD ASS -GORGUG CONFIRMED FUCKS -riz is a dork i love him -who knew "you're so much like your father" could make me feel like that -GILEAR IS MOVING THE FUCK IN BABY -GILEAR WITH SELF CONFIDENCE IS MY AESTHETIC -aww jawbone gave ayda autism books? jawbone is the sweetest to ayda cuz OF COURSE HE IS -AYDA GETS HER SPELL!!! -Ayda's Comprehend Subtext is the cutest spell ever -adaine and fig's friendship is too cute -craig has always been down for everything. i don't know craig but i love him -YES HOOT GROWL HOOT GROWL I'M SO PROUD OF RAGH -"BAD KIDS FOR LIFE" RAGH IS A CUTIE -NO FAELWYN IS REALLY HAPPENING I CAN'T -fabian's laugh is so cute -i love how nervous fabian is -WAIT FABIAN AND AELWYN ABSOLUTELY WILL FUCK? -fabian's gonna get his KISSES IN -aww i get how hyped figayda is but they are truly so adorable -weLL EMILY AXFORD I WILL LET YOU HURT ME LIKE THAT -they said i love you :((( -tracker only deserves the best -TRACKER'S GOING TO FALLINEL? I LOVE HER -ragh is going too? gay road trip! -that's adorable -ABSOLUTELY NOT BRENNAN FUCK OFF DO NOT SAY THE NIGHT YORB IS GONNA BE THE NEXT VILLAIN -BRENNAN NO YOU BITCH I HATE YOU THE NIGHT YORB IS THE VILLAIN OF JUNIOR YEAR? -that was crazy. i cried, i laughed. i am fuCKING HYPED FOR CROWN OF CANDY AND JUNIOR YEAR GANG!

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 14

Brennan Says It’s My Turn With The Daddy Issues

So we’re in hell--literally, not emotionally (at least for the moment). We being Fig, Riz, Gilear, the Hangman, and the blood-imp valet that Fig created last week who is ostensibly named Wretchrot but also picks up the nickname Baby this episode because of shenanigans. Wretchrot brings them all to where they’ll be staying, says a bunch of wild stuff in his weird Rita Repulsa voice, and drinks Fig’s blood which is what he is made of. Riz is bullied by the Hangman and misses the other half of his Nerd Squad. 

Anyway, Wretchrot takes the group on a little tour of Gorthalax’s stuff starting with the library which includes books that steal souls and also legal texts (redundant). Fig looks for a book on devil dating advice while Riz looks for something on the Hellish legal system On a 17, Fig finds a Manual for Succubi and Incubi about extracting souls via the penis. More helpfully, on a 16, Riz finds out that coups are baked into the ruling system of hell and killing someone to ascend to the throne is pretty par for the course. 

Next up is the hall of treasures where there are suits of armor themed to the 7 deadly sins including kinky, gimp, Lust armor they briefly consider equipping either Gilear or Kristen with (Ally breaks at that). There are also these Venitian style masks through which the people who failed to kill Gorthalax to take his place are forced to watch him do his thing. 

They pass through a hall of mirrors which they realize is a kind of security system as it shows things as they really are. Wretchrot appears in the mirror as a drop of Fig’s blood. The Hangman appears as a huge puppy!!!! (OK, a hellhound but all canines are puppies). Riz holds up the photo of Kalina to the mirror and, in the mirror, can’t see her in the photo. However, he does she her in the mirror itself. She waves at him and then appears “in person”.  Fig doesn’t know this is going on and asks Riz if he’s emotionally OK with the fact that they just whip out the photo of his dead dad on the regular. Riz says it’s fine but he quickly becomes less fine when Kalina asks if he'd like to see his dad. He starts to answer her out loud but she tells him that, by talking out loud, he’s tipped off Fig potentially so he should lose her and then meet her alone. The Hangman guards everyone while Riz and Fig split up, to find stuff to test in front of the mirror. Well, that’s the stated plan anyway.

Back in Arborly, Adaine is getting to check an item off of her Teen Girl Life Experiences checklist: Spilling Tea About Your Friend’s New GF. She gleefully does the whole, “I can’t tell you but I’ll tell you if you guess right,” routine before outright confirming that while crustacean shenanigans were happening in the house Fig and Ayda were sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Everyone in the group goes feral over the news, especially the Gay Squad. She vaguely recalls that Ayda also told her some information about a rune or something but everyone agrees that she retained the most important information. 

They decide to call Aguefort about their coins and the rune (Kristen wisely having all the infected people leave the room). Aguefort tells them that the coins that they have comprise Kalvaxus’s hoard but not his original hoard as it has been spent and invested and put into the economy. Classic Ship of Theseus problem (ie: If you have a ship and you start replacing damaged parts of it, by the time you've replaced all the parts, is it even the same ship?). He also reminds them that spending the gold as quickly as possible is a good idea to avoid the dragon madness curse which is on all dragon gold (a weak but very hard to break curse). That prompts Adaine to describe the rune she discovered to him and he tells her basically the same stuff Ayda did last episode. She wonders if dragon madness could be the larger, static curse under which the trojan horse curse (the spellbook) is hiding. Gorgug wants to give all of the gold away and Fabian is not about that life at all.

Back in hell (literally and emotionally now) Riz prepares to meet Kalina. With a 25 Investigation, he finds a sliver of mirror that he can bring with him to keep from being tricked. He’s also mindful of being paralyzed while he’s with Kalina at the edge of a hell cliff so he anchors himself with a rope tied around his waist. Kalina is her usual aloof, darkly charming self when they speak and Riz is pretty flustered, asking if she was his dad’s familiar (no). Kalina says that Riz didn’t really know his dad and the question he isn’t asking but should be is how did his dad meet her in the first place.

She takes him to a little secret passageway which she says goes to a liminal place where he can see between the levels. She gives him the help action to get a good look (which makes Murph extremely nervous) but he only gets an 11 which means all that he sees is a cold, white light coming from the opening. He tries to use his mirror to look inside but on a 13 dex save, his footing is shaky and some rocks fall down the side of the cliff (he’s fine). Kalina says that he’s gonna have to man up and walk down the tunnel if he wants to see what’s going on. She fully reveals that she’s incorporeal and can’t actually touch him to mess with him if that helps at all. 

Riz is clearly struggling with the choice but he ultimately decides that he can’t pass up this chance and that he can trust Fig to rescue him if things go south. He leaves her a note and then steps through. Within the tunnel, he can feel things watching him and hear a chittering that’s weirdly somehow coming from him. In front of him is a smoky room lit by a cone of light--think interrogation room in an old detective show. In a chair, covered in blood and shit and tattered clothes is Pok Gukgak, gagged and chained. Riz reaches for him but, as he tries to step forward, he reaches the end of his rope. Someone unseen splashes Pok with water and tells him to “confess” and “tell us what you know.” Riz pulls out his gun--his dad’s gun--to shoot out the light. As he does, a thought comes unbidden: You know what the kind thing to do with that gun would be. That shakes Riz so he lowers the gun and starts to untie himself. He’s stopped by Kalina (speaking in his mind) who tells him that if he steps in the light, he’ll be on another level of hell in the Iron City of Dis for real. Not just looking in. Riz pulls out his mirror shard and confirms that it really is his dad in there being tortured. He leaves the tunnel.

Kalina says that she knows Riz is all hopped up on doing his quest and stopping the Nightmare King but if he just stops, if they all stop, none of his friends will have to die and, bonus, maybe there will be a little rescue mission for his dad in it for him. Riz wants to know if Pok knew what her true nature was and he seems to think he cheated on his mom with her (“I know what happened between you two. I can do the math.” Which seems logistically improbable but OK). She reminds him that Pok was a spy which means it’s naive to think that every thing he did was good and taunts him about his clue hound nature before vanishing.  

Riz meets up back with Gilear and Fig and he spills about everything. Gilear wants Riz to have lunch and drink some water before he does anything rash. Fig says that they don’t need Kalina to rescue Pok. They know crazy-person Bill Seacaster who’s also in hell. She lights a beacon to help him find them (if you remember, the Hangman has been attempting to contact him for Fabian). One thing I didn’t mention before is that Fig brought up the idea of temporarily installing herself as the ruler of Gorthalax's section of hell so she’d be a powerful enough devil (or devil-adjacent entity) to get them into Sylvere. Wretchrot said it was probably a no-go since she’s half mortal but, now, on a 29 Riz re-reads his legal book and realizes that Fig wouldn’t actually have to kill Gorthalax to take his place, she just needs to defeat him, which she technically has by putting him in a gem and they put that together almost before Brennan is done narrating. They have a new plan.

The other Bad Kids are discussing what Arianwyn is up to and Gorgug suggests that maybe she’s not actually working with Kalina. Maybe she’s playing along but actually has ulterior motives. Kristen looks at Arianwyn’s notes and on a 24 “Empath Roll” (Brennan converts this Ally-ism to an Insight check) sees that at a certain point, Arianwyn started making leaps in her research that were too lucky and suggest someone was helping her--possibly the entity she was researching. Adaine thinks about calling her mom using Sending or her new Sinod of Spire spell but Ayda calls Adaine and asks if she can come over. Of course she can. She comes with her recently summoned tropical fish familiar in a bubble of water--it has the very Albus Severus name of “Garthy and Adaine the Fish” which Adaine is thrilled about but also suggests shortening to GAF (and also considering reconstituting it into a cuddlier form--though the image of her dumping Boggy into GAF’s bubble is super adorable). Meanwhile, Kristen is thrilled to welcome her to “the family” because being gay is the same as visiting an Olive Garden (this is a shirt now because Ally said it which is too much power to give to Ally). Ayda kinda sucks some of the fun out of teasing her about her relationship with Fig by being extremely forthright about it but Kristen and Adaine brighten at the thought that Fig will be a lot more fun to tease. 

But, back to business. Ayda has not slept because she’s been working on getting to Fig. The whole group is like, “Bitch, are you OK?” and give her an ice cream sandwich which is proper Good Friend Protocol if you have them on hand I think. Ayda is super worried about Fig and is just about ready to unmake everything standing between them (Normal lesbian move according to Kristen). They talk her down for the moment in favor of sending Fig a message: Fig you sneaky bitch. Ayda’s here. She wants to invade hell. You good? PS: OOOOOOOOOOOH. PPS: Ask Kalvaxus about dragon madness. Fig completely misses the fact that they know what’s going on with Ayda (you’d think they’d be more in sync which each others’ texting shorthand) and sends back a message saying she hopes they have fun with her but, “not too much fun,” and also that she, “is king” with no further explanation. Wild. 

Ayda, who is still super keyed up to get Fig, thinks she can figure out the Planeshift spell but she needs more time to work on the spell which she could get...if they steal her dad’s time stopping pocketwatch. Considering they watched Aguefort grab the sun out of the sky the other day, they’re not super down to have a possibly adverse encounter with the man but they hear her out. While they do that, Gorgug takes his now working phone and just straight up calls the guy, explaining the situation (including Ayda’s involvement) and asking to borrow the watch. Aguefort is a little taken aback by the fact that Ayda would want any kind of contact with him at all because about 300 years back, she told him to never contact her again and that she would leave notes to her future self detailing why, which is why he hasn’t really been in her life. He lets him borrow the watch for a week (after which time it will return to him) and asks him to tell Ayda what they talked about, leaving the door open for a possible future relationship between them. When Gorgug returns with the watch and the news, Ayda breaks a little and reveals she didn’t even know she was that old. Presumably because her notes start about 150 years ago with an apology that her past self wanted a fresh start and destroyed the last several batches of notes. She hates herself for doing that and Kristen gently tries to get her to cool it with the negative self talk. Then, they hit the button on the watch and they have a week to work. 

The Wizards work on Planeshift. Fabian and Kristen go to the shrine and Kristen--mirroring her vision from episode 1--sits down to draw the unknown goddess from the mural. Her Spirit Guardians emerge and start to kinda deride her for the sincerity of her action. She in turn decides that she’s done with this wishy-washy “above it all” attitude and dismisses her Spirit Guardians for good (making her, as far as I can tell, the only cleric in Solace with a 100% turnover rate on her Spirit Guardians). She finishes the picture and it feels somehow significant, to her and to Tracker too (who can look at it without wolf-raging out). Gorgug uses the time to “get smarter” which bumps his score from an 8 to a 9 (which has no mechanical implications). Ayda is also working on a side project but she’s keeping it a secret from Adaine. 

In hell, the tribunal is called back in session. Fig comes in ready to claim her hell passport and the throne along with it. On a big ol’ 30 persuasion check--and because the law is on her side--Vrath is reluctantly convinced to confer upon Fig the title of arch-devil (via a full lip kiss which is some Poison Ivy bs) The new title comes with an upside pentagram mark on her forehead, full fire immunity (very convenient considering her new constantly on fire gf), and resistance to poison. However, Vraz is about to force the Hangman to stay in hell due to a legal technicality when who walks in but BILL FORKING SEACASTER, who invokes the law of the blade and immediately starts stabbing their way out of there and hustles the group to his ship (Goldenhoard’s reshaped corpse) which was indirectly named by Fig we learned after the thing that would annoy him the most--The Goldenrod.

Bill gives Fig (who is feeling iffy about her archdevil decision) a pep talk before fully signing up for the rescue mission of the dad of his son’s BFF. We also learn that Alastair Ash is interning on Bill’s ship! He’s pretty happy to see Fig and Riz but if he sees Fabian he’s fully gonna kill him. Right around now, the Bad Kids not in hell remember they can talk to the group via the Hangman and check in since the week of stopped time is up. The Hangman is like, “YOU NEED TO COME HELP US RIGHT AWAY!” They (everyone but the HangVan) Planeshift onto the deck of the Goldenrod which is being targeted by monsters and devils commanded by Vraz. Alastair makes good on his threat and starts trying to shank Fabian immediately (which Bill is hilariously blase about). Ayda opens up a portal to the sea and tries to flood Hell from the top down but Fig stops her, saying that they need to get to the second level to save Pok which seems like it will be quite a task with all the monsters Vraz is throwing at them. Luckily, Bill has money for days (and that money is somehow worth something in hell) and has a whole fleet to back them up for our big Hell Pirate Battle next episode! 

Detention

Gorgug for Bad Gossip Etiquette 

Look, obviously Kalina was the worst person in this episode. Like, duh. But, also, it feels like cheating to punish the Vader of the series for doing something bad. Like, yeah! That’s what she’s supposed to be doing!

So, instead, today’s dubious honor goes to Gorgug for the much less damning but more relatable sin of making his girlfriend aware of tea but not spilling it. Say it all or say nothing! 

Honor Roll

Gorgug for Being More Insightful Than His 8 9 Int Would Suggest

Back to back double awards.

Wisdom is not the same as Intelligence and I actually have no idea what Gorgug’s Wisdom score is on paper but he showed a lot of in this episode.

I think he’s been the first person to suggest that whatever’s going on with Arianwyn might not be as cut and dry as it seems and then, of course, he decided to, instead of trying to Ocean’s 11 Aguefort to just slip out and have a quick heart to heart with him. One that affects him surprisingly deeply. And him bringing up his own experiences with no knowing who his birth dad was was just the chef’s kiss on top of it all.

I don’t think Brennan actually intended them to Oceans 11 Aguefort because that would be crazy, but Gorgug is the one who stepped up to solve the problem for the group with a little compassion and I think that more than earns him the spot.     

Random Thoughts

Trailer for Season 5 is dropping Thursday so get hyped! 

“Are you looking for the Teen Zone of the bottomless pit?”

“The fief of this dom.”

“You’re a little nerd. Tell the cool girl what you know.”

“If I had new parts, where would they go?”

I love Fabian’s confident assertion that Ayda would “love shrimp river”.

Line of the night goes to Ragh for, “Frankly, bringing up the rune in this context is homophobic.” And Adaine’s followup of, “I apologize. As an ally, I’m always learning,” was also great.

I love that the girls instantly understand Fig’s earlier hot tub comment with the new context but the boys are still clueless. 

Watching Emily and Murph have their own little side adventure was so great. They are so fun together and they were clearly having a blast.

I wonder if Gorthalax can tell than Fig just got his title. Either via the title itself or his patron status.

Fig bringing up Riz’s dad to be like, “Are you OK?” caught me so off guard and it seems like it caught Riz off guard too. I hadn’t really thought about it but the fact that Fig had is just another example of her being extremely bighearted and doing a bad job of hiding it. 

Emily’s impotent “rage” as all the party members loudly gossiped about her and Ayda and she couldn’t do anything about it because she wasn’t in the scene was *golden*. 

Kalina leaves Riz so he can watch his dad but, if you think about it, that’s all placebo because she couldn’t do anything to him whether she’s appearing to him or not and she can watch through his eyes regardless anyway so it’s just like, “Do you want me to be visibly watching you or invisibly watching you?” 

Does Kalina have, like, a range? Like, if she can literally just see out of the eyes of people that she’s infected, that limits her to a certain cone of vision and range of movement. But it seems like she can appear to a person and move independently around them to some degree, see things they can’t, point things out, and move away from them. How far away? How independent can she be? What are the logistics here?

Also, on the topic of logistics, it seems extremely hard to know someone for as long as Pok knew Kalina and not realize they’re non-corporeal. Like, even if you’re not a touchy person, eventually you’re gonna bump into them (or, in this case, not bump into them).

Man, the dice really hated Murph this week and, honestly, good. His scenes, imo, work so much better if he doesn’t get to Ally his way out of them with a Nat 20. Him being toyed with by Kalina and unsure and lost is the more interesting version of this sequence of events. 

I feel like he made some big swings and misses this ep though. Like, asking if she was Pok’s familiar? Why would that have been a thing? I’m surprised he didn’t ask if he was the goddess’s familiar--though I guess they might not want to let on how much they know but bringing up the concept that she’s anyone’s familliar I think is kinda of giving the game away.

“I have a hard time making conversation with my friends, let alone you” Riiiiiiiiiiz.

Kalina brought up Kristen to Riz specifically, which I find interesting. (She also said that Kristen used to worship Sol which isn’t strictly true, she worshiped Helio, but same family and that was likely just a slip of the tongue from Brennan. Just wanted to point it out). 

Who does Kalina even work for? Like, it seems like she’s working with the Nightmare King but if she’s the mystery goddess’s familiar like we all think then that’s weird because it doesn’t seem like the NK and mystery goddess are together. Like, a part of me is just dumping everyone antagonistic to the Bad Kids into the same “Bad” bucket in my head but there’s no way all of these people have totally aligned goals. 

“Dragon madness 69”

It’s brought up again in this episode that some of Arianwyn’s research was requisitioned by Pok earlier which I want to ascribe significance to but I’m not in a theorizing headspace right now so I’ll just point it out for anyone who does want to play Gukgak.

I’ve been kinda wondering about the logistics of Aguefort and Ayda and how old that dude is but I totally forgot Chronoancy was a factor which I guess indirectly answers any and all questions about that. It also adds some dimension to his character that time travel is a thing that kinda makes you feel unmoored from time, which I think goes some way (though not all of the way) in explaining why he’s so feral. And, speaking of Aguefort insanity, he was also at the party Zelda was at last episode in the form of an owl as the beer pong mascot. Which Gorgug has Thoughts about. 

I really really want Adaine to talk to her mom in the Synod of Spires. Have you guys realized that, for as much of a driving force Arianwyn’s been this season, she’s had almost no dialogue? She has talked I think 3 times total in all of FH: During Adaine’s intro, Apologizing to her when Aelwen was arrested, and the Message Adaine found from her last episode. That’s it. We know almost nothing about her. What is her deal? Also, Siobhan just always kills during all of her one-on-one scenes and I’m biased.  

Love the return of the Bad Kids being unable to make a phone call and stealing the phone from each other to tag in with their own nonsense. 

Wild that Gorgug was able to get through to Aguefort since he has a history of pissing that dude off by saying the wrong (well, “wrong”) thing.

Shoutout to Gilear for being the Designated Dad of the Hell Trip and making sure the kids were eating and stuff. That was a very endearing moment. 

Also, while we’re on the topic of Gilear, he also cleared up that Sandra-Lynn never seriously propositioned him in an irresponsible, “Let me give you a Magic STD” kinda way which was something I’d been thinking about so I’m glad he said something (though the kids kinda aren’t even though I think we’re way past the point of TMI here).  

“Hiss at her litigator.”

Riz, who Fig is Looking to be the Voice of Reason re: Her Arch-Devil Upgrade: This is super rad.

I’m very curious about whether Brennan fully planned for Fig to decide to take Gorthalax’s place because, on the one hand, my brain didn’t go there at all but, on the other, getting Emily Axford to install someone--possibly herself--into a position of power is like getting Siobhan Thompson to steal a book I feel.

Fig Upon Being Told That Ayda Told Everyone About Them: Fuck.   

I feel like Kristen is gonna wish she had her big moment of emotional catharsis AFTER this big hell pirate fight and not before when she can’t summon her Spirit Guardians. 

Man, we haven’t gotten a big, enthusiastic, “Papa!” from Fabian in a while have we? 

No crits in either direction this episode which is wild considering Fig got a THIRTY at one point.

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 17

Then Perish (in which the Plot is Happening No Matter How Many Nat 20’s you Roll Ally Beardsley)

Strap in my dudes. It’s a wild one. 

Last ep, we’d just entered the forest of the nightmare king and things went sideways pretty quickly. All of the non-familiar NPCs have been poofed away and Kalina is currently fully killing Kristen. Riz, recently cured by Kristen (something that seemed to genuinely distress Kalina), can hear Tracker getting further and further away from them in wolf form. He gives Kristen his flare gun, tells her to run, and looks for the pollen they need to make the Kalina vaccine. Kalina disappears and in comes Sandra-Lynn with a weird mandrake-y plant for Kristen to bite. But, with a nat 20, she realizes that she’s seeing an illusion and Kalina is trying to get her to bite and reinfect Riz.  

All of the Bad Kids try to find each other, using all the tricks at their disposal to move faster (Fly, Jump, Dashing, etc). Fabian gets the Hangman to meet them at the edge of the forest with Gilear. Kristen shoots up the flare (presumably to alert Gilear of her position?) and cures herself as she runs, trying to buy time.  Kalina tries to make a deal with her so she and her friends will destroy the photo of her and their crystals but Kristen is not about that at all. She just tells everyone to run. Once Fig catches up with her, she does her one better and Dimension Doors with her almost all of the way out of the forest (after Fabian hits her with some Heroism which gives her regening temp HP to help combat the constant damage Kalina is doing). This cuts down the rounds needed to escape from 44 to a much more manageable 12. She manages to just get out alive after 24d6 of damage and Kalina is stuck at the edge of the forest with a threatening, “Get you next time.” The rest of the Bad Kids also make it out without too much trouble due to all their speed buffs.  

After everyone takes a tight five to be like, “Welp, that sucked,” they head to the Tinkerer’s Hall to enlist help with making tinctures. Overnight (together with Riz--since Kristen has quarantined herself) they’re able to make six doses of the tincture. Meanwhile, Fig learns more about her bass and Gorgug gets a new Ax from the very grateful tinkerers. Fig’s bass does a lot to help her be effective while she’s being attacked by all sides but--most importantly (imo)--gives her a +5 to performance checks, something I think Brennan is gonna live to regret. Speaking of regret, Fig is beset by whispers of guilt for her “fault” in the disappearance of their friends. Let’s put a pin in that. Gorgug gets a choice between a sick lightning ax and a dope gravity ax. He picks the latter, which, among other things, gives him auto-crits on objects (which seems like a plot tease for sure). While this is going on, Adaine makes two days worth of progress on a spell for Ayda. Kristen, who is being understandably sad in the van, prays to “not knowing” and gets her spells back, clearly (to us at least) missing something as she rolls a Nat 1 perception check. 

The gang cures Kristen with a dose of tincture then they upload the video of Kalina Riz took with his tie cam (which, btw, can scan for good and evil while recording and only pings Celestial magic from Tracker and Kristen, Kalina doesn’t ping as either). To my immediate delight, they post the video (respectfully clipped to not include Tracker) as sort of a fantasy version of The Dress, and it very quickly goes viral as people try to figure out why some people can see the tabaxi in it and some can’t. 

Back to Fig for a bit, Fig realizes the whispers in her head berating her aren’t external. They’re internal. She says she’s better than being loud than quiet and attempts to drown them out rather than ignore them. Fig realizes that, now that she’s out of the forest, Ayda’s feather is glowing again. Using that connection, Adaine tries to Scry on Ayda and sees that she (along with Zathriel) are caught in a horrifying web with web going into all of their face holes. Ayda’s eyes are clear because the fire of her eyes burn out the webs but she's full on weeping. She’s also trying to use the bloody earring Fig gave her to teleport back to her (knew that was gonna come back, at least for flavor) but her restraints won’t allow it. This absolutely lights a fire under Fig’s ass and she is ready to go back into the forest immediately. Before they do, Gorgug gives his Van to the gnomes (since it was bought with KVX money) and Riz makes one of the potions into a tranq dart for Tracker.

The journey to the temple Adaine saw in her Scry is two days away which means a bunch of sleep and navigation checks (without the Van or Tracker there to cast a Moon Haven). They sleep in shifts with Kristen, Fabian, and Fig sleeping first. Kristen rolls and 19 and Fig gets a 17 with Adaine’s Portent. Fabian is the low man with a 10. Even though Fig seemingly made the check, we still get dream narration for her as she is met by a pre-horned, 13 y/o version of herself who berates her. But Fig (who has made the check and can leave the nightare at any time) says she’s so much happier now than she’s ever been and boom! She loses her College of Whispers subclass and becomes a College of Lore Bard (gaining the Cutting Words feature). Whispers banished, she finds she’s able to communicate with Gorthalax who tells her being a devil doesn’t just have to be about being “evil”. At its core, being a devil is about rebellion. It’s about flipping off the universe, something Fig can very much vibe with. 

When Fabian wakes up, not having had a dream, he sees a familiar, tri-cornered hat a little ways away. As soon as he steps away from the group, he is possessed and starts attacking his friends--brutally as per DM’s orders. Luckily, Adaine has a low portent roll to give him, Riz has a net gun, and Gorgug now has a super heavy axe which he simply lays on Fabian, restraining him. They snap Fabian out of it and Adaine can tell it wasn’t an ambient effect of the forest. It’s something that was actively cast on Fabian (the same thing that was cast on Fig when she gem’d Gorthalax). However, it’s probably stronger in the forest. They also realize that when the Baron thing happened, Riz was attacked but not possessed and he also didn’t go to sleep. So, if they go through the forest not sleeping, they’ll be safe from possession at least. The next three are able to sleep without problem (even Riz who rolled a 7) but, in the morning, they don’t do so hot on their navigation checks. Instead of losing time, they decide to push through to the temple.

When they get there, they see that it’s basically surrounded by skeletons, like people just showed up to lay down and die. Something above the entrance has been moved and they also see (from much more recently) three sets of footsteps joined by a fourth set halfway (boots, not talons or paws). Adaine casts Locate Creature on her mom but doesn’t sense her within 1000 ft. Riz takes point and decides to scout the temple and report back. On a Nat 20 for a total of 30 Investigation, he fully cases the joint in less than ten minutes. He sees a brick of Dusk Moss and a bunch of spooky books which he realizes means a ritual happened to take the casters almost further into the forest in some kind of non-euclidean direction. He sees a skeleton of a unicorn filled with webs and egg sacs which died looking at a portrait of a woman in a black robe with black hair but the face is destroyed. 

Riz reports back all of this to his friends and Adaine decides that she’ll shoulder full responsibility for looking at the potentially evil books, trusting her friends to snap her out of it if she gets possessed or something. Equally supportive in their own ways, Fig plays a countercharm for her off to the side and Riz points a gun at her. From reading the book, Adaine is able to piece together a lot about the mechanics of what’s going on. There is a tree in the center of the forest (the broom that was turned into a tree) which helps to boost all the illusions in the forest. Because of this, illusions are all more real. For example, illusory wings created with Disguise Self would actually grant you flight. The Dusk Moss used in the ritual was probably to give them some measure of control over the insane nightmares (as in, “I know this is a dream sorta, therefore I can’t be hurt”). Brennan says Adaine would probably be able to do the ritual with some time and study. Siobhan Galaxy Brains and scours her spell list for spells involving illusions for what she calls, “some fuckery” (“Give me the fuckery,” Brennan says, even the game DM). Adaine wants to use Illusory Script to write a spell that will allow her to do the ritual with the hope that it will become real. Brennan looks directly into the camera like it’s The Office and asks for a DC 30 Arcana check. She doesn’t get it but she does get the sense that the principle behind the idea is solid.  Anyway, back to the other transubstantiations. The Familiar to a Plague is, as we all already knew, Kalina who is controlling the illusions in the forest. The Spellbook is the KVX coin and is (1) aligned with the Enchantment school of magic and (2) responsible for the possessions that have been happening (ie: Fig, Ragh, and Fabian this ep). The Sanctum to Cottage is aligned with the Abjuration school of magic and basically a trap for Celestials coming into the forest and also will prevent certain levels of spellcasting as they get progressively deeper. And now back to the tree (he doesn’t say the school of magic it is and also he says there are four when there are actually 8 so I’m not sure which school it’s supposed to represent--Divination maybe since that’s Adaine’s school?). The forest becomes alive the further in they go. The more safe they feel, the more the paths will move around. The only way to get they can get to the center is by feeling fear and uncertainty--which has got to be simultaneously great and terrible news for someone with major anxiety to get. 

All of that is all going on in the main chamber. Meanwhile, Gorgug is in the hallway and Fabian is in the chapel with Kristen who is checking out the picture of the goddess. Kristen, on international DM’s day, rolls a nat 20 religion check because of course she does. She hears the goddesses’s voice in her head. “Why do you search for me?” Kristen says she’s really into the praise through doubt thing. Brennan makes her roll a Con check with disadvantage--13.  

He says, “I’m gonna describe what Kristen sees and then I’m going to describe what Fabian saw,” instantly activating my Fight or Flight. 

Kristen feels a wave of spite, rage, and betrayal from the goddess and then she feels blinding pain as the unicorn skeleton runs over and gores her through the heart from the back. 

“What praise will you have in death?” the voice in her head says, as she collapses, fully lifeless. 

The unicorn turns to a panicked Fabian (who is only not driven mad by his immunity to Fear) and says, “You should not have come here.” 

In conclusion, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Detention

Brennan for Killing Kristen on a Nat 20

Using a Nat 20 to kill a player is such a power move and please do not let this placement make you think I don’t respect the unmitigated gall. 

Honor Roll

Adaine for An Incredible Piece of Fuckery

The fact that it didn’t work doesn’t change the fact that this was a Galaxy Brain connection that she made instantly and will almost certainly end up saving their asses. Mark my words: Before the end of the season, some Looney Tunes-ass painting a black circle to make a real hole type nonsense is gonna happen.

Random Thoughts

Emily’s constant awe at Ally’s dice rolls is so funny to me. She’s like head parishioner at the church of Ally’s dice. 

“Don’t bite the baby your mom gives you.”

Adaine taking pics of Fabian on Gorgug’s back while running out of the forest.

The teamwork shown during Kristen’s rescue? *chef’s kiss*

“It doesn’t protect you from losing all your friends in a forest.” Ow. 

Emily going, “Thank you Brennan,” like a little kid when she got her new bass’s stats.

“All of our girlfriends are in there!”

Brennan, upon being denied a wisdom save from Emily: You have to! I asked. 

Ice feast?????? Ally, what????

There is very much a world where the Bad Kids immediately leveraged Fig’s social media presence to get a better sample size on what was going on with Kalina. I wonder what would have happened if they’d gone viral with it much earlier.  

Ayda was drawn to the cottage with Zathriel because she’s part Celestial apparently. Are Phoenixes Celestial? That’s news to me. 

Also, on the topic, very Concerned about where the remaining NPCs are. 

The fact that Ayda had Fig’s earring in her hand while bound and unable to move much or do a spell that would allow her to get it into her hand implies that her split second reaction when captured was to reach for it and that was the one thing she could do before she was incapacitated which is A Lot.

Kristen keeps asking Riz to hold the tranq gun because she wants to look out for Tracker, which is sweet but you have -3 Dex girl. The kindest thing you can do is never touch that gun and toss Riz some Bless. 

The break they took between leaving the forest and going back Concerned me as it was happening. I was like, y’all literally anything could be happening right now. I had no sense on the amount of tie they realistically had to spare before something unreversable happened. 

Lol at Brennan clearly trying to throw some levels of exhaustion at the party and them just rolling out of it, no problem.  

I feel like Brennan knew Kristen was dying this episode no matter what and I gotta say: (1) I think it’s a great skill as a DM to keep our story on the tracks while also having the players actions matter and have meaningful consequences and (2) I wonder if she hadn’t gotten a Nat 1 when she got her spells back, if we’d get some information that could potentially contextualize what happened. 

I do not remember what the unicorn’s deal is but I remember it was mentioned specifically at the top of the season and I don’t trust anything about it--separately from the fact that it gored our girl. Was it speaking independently or was the goddess speaking through it? Or was it just the unicorn the whole time and Brennan was lying--not for the first time that episode? 

Fig being asked by her younger nightmare self what all the people in her life who had bad stuff happen to them have in common: Aguefort Advenuring Academy?

The image of an angel falling out of heaven and then rising up to flip off God and go, “F You,” is so cinematic that it makes me upset there aren’t animatics for this show. 

I am dying to know whether Brennan thought about the implications of making a setting where illusions are hyper-real in a game where Emily Axford is lousy with illusion magic. Did he consider it? Is there a mechanic to limit this? Or, next week, is Emily gonna say, “I cast disguise self on myself and I disguise myself as a super buff version of me with sick devil wings and I also create a minor illusion of a tiny, fairy, cleric.” What could stop her? Minor Illusion is a cantrip, guys. It’s a CANTRIP. I feel like either Brennan wildly miscalculated and made himself a double edged sword which Emily and Siobhan are gonna use to make him eat his dice OR he’s about to throw some absolutely unfair nonsense at them that even he doesn’t know the way out of and he’s trusting them to harness the power of the fuckery to figure it out. Either way, there are only 3 episodes left so I guess there’s only so much they can break the game in 3 episodes (she said, fully expecting to be proved wrong). 

“Crunch it up bro.”

When Brennan was talking about the ritual, he said, “Your parents and stuff” with regard to who did it, which makes me think Anguin was the fourth figure. But the “and stuff” is vague hedging language which makes me think we’re still being played. Brennan, tell me what’s going on in Abernant-Land, I’m begging you bro. 

One thing I didn’t mention in the main recap because it was getting long is the 4 transubstantiations were done on 4 gifts from the 4 tribes who worshiped the goddess The cat was from the wood elves. The sanctum was holy to the centaurs. I think the sprite was the spellbook which would make the broom from the treents.

Partial credit to @camwritery for this: Brennan gave Gorgug a weapon that, among other effects, insta-crits on inanimate objects. Which is a random ability unless a future plot point involves destroying some items--a la the pylons they destroyed earlier in what feels like a tutorial level in retrospect. And camwritery is the one who pointed out, hey, isn’t there a super important tree in the middle of the forest? Magic axe? Magic tree? Feels connected y’all. 

Everyone getting new gear and spells the past two eps has felt like that scene in Lion/Witch/Wardrobe where Santa shows up and is like, “Here are some weapons kids. Shit’s about to hit the fan!”

The fact that Riz escaped possession on a 7 seems to be explained by the fact that the cursed money is linked to possession and he gave all of his away. Which means Fabian and Adaine are still in danger, along with I think Fig since she kept her tour money which is likely infected. 

Anyone else get Wrinkle in Time/The Boy Who Reversed Himself vibes from all the dream travel talk this ep?

OK, I guess we gotta talk about Kristen dying for the third time in her life. Poor girl. She’s just trying her best to be a good person and earnestly trying to find meaning in the world. And what has it gotten her? Killed three times. And yet she keeps trying! The fact that it’s her makes me kinda more and less worried at the same time, you know? Because she is currently the sole healer on the team which is BAD--if Fabian went down, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal because Kristen would presumably just need to make her fright check and then cast Revivify. K-girl doesn’t have anyone to heal her (barring some illusion shenanigans from Fig or Adaine). However, Kristen’s motto might as well, “Whatever does kill you makes you stronger.” She basically has an at least 1 death per season clause written into her contract. If anyone can face death with grit and come out singing (and prob with some sick new powers) it’d be her. What an absolutely brutal way to end the episode.

She was mentioned in this episode for a hot sec I think--that racist ranger from earlier in the season--I don’t trust her. She could just be a one off NPC but I feel like there’s more to her. 

So I guessed correctly that the photos of Kalina would end up being a bargain chip potentially but somehow it didn’t occur to me that they could just...leave. Lol, I was like, “I guess they’re in it,” and they were like, “Yeah, bye.”

Kalina didn’t come after the gang in the forest the second time except maybe to possess Fabian if she did that directly. I wonder why that was. She had plenty of time.

I don’t like this spider motif. I don’t trust this spider motif. My spidey sense is going off re: this spider motif. I just want that on the record. 

This episode, Adaine rolled 1 Nat 20, Riz got 2, and Kristen rolled 3 but one was cancelled out by disadvantage. Meanwhile, Fig, Kristen, and Gorgug each rolled one Nat 20 each. 

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 6

The Fall of Fabian Seacaster

OK, let’s do this.

We pick back up with Kristen and Riz who are still outside Garthy’s room. Kristen’s Detect Good and Evil from last week pings Garthy as well as the general aura of the Golden Gardens which is protected in the way a sanctum sanctorum would be but with celestial energy. Riz and Kristen improvise a not super cogent plan that involves ribbon dancing and knocking over barrels before Riz just decides to cut to the chase and ask Garthy’s guards to send for Sandra-Lynn. Once she comes out (still looked sexed up and pretty annoyed) they’re not quite sure what to ask her and Riz wants to bail but Kristen (who has cast Zone of Truth, tried to muscle into Garthy’s house, and gotten smacked down physically by Sandra-Lynn) says that she’s worried about Sandra-Lynn because she’s “not poly but [she’s] acting poly.” Being directly called out is enough to snap Sandra-Lynn out of it (and to think about Fig’s reaction) so she agrees to get her stuff and come back to the gang’s suite.

Meanwhile, Fabian is hanging out with Bill’s cult of 20-ish warlocks. They’re all super glad to see Fabian--who they assume has been sent by Bill to help them--and they want him to regale them with the tale of how he slew his father in battle. Fabian tells them the story which, as you all know, isn’t a story about besting his father in a hard-fought battle so much as it is about a story about bittersweet mercy killing. They are less than impressed, especially considering they want Fabian to defeat Captain James Wicklaw who has promised to kill all of Bill’s followers. Ego stung, Fabian says that he may not have bested his father but he did (help) kill a dragon and, more importantly, he’s gonna lead them into an ambush against Captain Wicklaw (who he sees, presumably looking for him, with 30 men).

Oh boy.

Fabian telepathically alerts the Hangman that he’s about to get into a big fight before slamming down a door and full-out attacking Captain Wicklaw. He’s able to get a good couple of attacks in and Wicklaw misses his first couple of attacks but then Fabian fails an intelligence save with a Nat 1 and gets stunned while Wicklaw tries to open his skull and eat his brain.

Meanwhile with the rest of the Bad Kids, the Hangvan alerts Gorgug that the Hangman has sped off and everyone assumes Fabian is in trouble. They all do their best to get to him as quickly as possible and, even though these scenes are intercut with Fabian’s I’m going to summarize them all at once:

Fig (w/ Gorgug in tow) Dimension Doors as close to the Hangman as she can. Then, Gorgug has the idea to try the classic pirate move of grabbing a rope, cutting the weight, and instantly flying to where on the ship you want to go. They try that and begin flying towards Fabian at terminal velocity, both dislocating their arms. Fig passably disguises herself as Jemina Joy (even with quadruple disadvantage) and tries to get a wizard to teleport her to where Fabian is but they’re going way too fast for anyone to hear her. Gorgug (also with quad disadvantage) tries to throw a hand axe and, on a nat 1, almost cuts the rope they’re swinging on.

Gilear is fully passed after a back-slap from Fig.

Adaine casts fly on Riz (because his rogue speed means he can make the most use of it) so he can go get Garthy to see if they have any teleport spells. Then, she gets on Baxter with Kristen and Sandra-Lynn (plus Tracker who follows in spectral wolf form). Kristen tries to bring up Sandra-Lynn’s relationship stuff again and Adaine casts Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on her. Adaine tries to pull from the jacket to get something to help her get to Fabian faster and she gets a Razor scooter.  

Ragh drives the Hangvan towards Fabian’s.

Riz finds Garthy who takes him to a room, pops out neon angel wings, and does some kind of teleport spell that almost seems like it moves the space closer to them rather than the reverse.

But, none of this really matters because Brennan says none of them will be able to make it to Fabian before 22 rounds of combat. Woof.

Still in the first round of combat, 2 of the warlocks manage to hit Wicklaw and break Fabian out of his grapple (right after Wicklaw says that he’s eaten many of Fabian’s siblings but let’s put a pin in that because we have so much to get through here). Fabian declares that all spells are on him for the remainder of the fight (which is maybe the last funny thing he says all night). Then, 6 of the 20 warlocks on Fabian’s side die to gunshots from Wicklaw’s men. Fabian sends his men forward then falls back and attacks with his crossbow. Wicklaw mocks him for abandoning his crew so viciously that I feel like he should have spontaneously taken a level in bard. Brennan rolls for the ten still living pirates who never got names and only one survives. Then he rolls for the named pirates (Alistair and the three I haven’t mentioned yet because this episode is A Lot--Chungle-Down Bim, Old-Young Benjamin, and Creaky McBarrel) and only Creaky dies. In two rounds, Bill’s cult is down to four (plus one guy who peaced out after Fabian said he didn’t actually brutally murder his dad).

Fabian’s tactical retreat shakes the confidence of everyone but Alistair who stays loyal (even as he gets wrecked on his next attack on Wicklaw). Chungle-Down Bim is so disgusted by Fabian’s cowardice and performance that he tries to Eldritch Blast him and misses. He says, “Yeh ain’t no pirate and Bill would spit in yer eye.” Fabian has to hold back tears. He, with a heartbreaking mix of trepidation, reluctance, and resolve, asks if there are any ropes he can use to escape. Roll a perception check. He does.

Natural 1.

Sure, Brennan says. There’s a rope that looks like it will 100% guaranteed hold Fabian’s weight. Fabian goes for it--leaving behind a stunned and crushed Alistair--and finds that it’s actually a clothesline. He goes plummeting down a quarter-mile towards the ground but, before he actually hits, he hits a bunch of other ropes and, on his last possible chance, is able to save from splatting and taking max fall damage. Lou opts to take some damage anyway because he’d feel like he was cheating otherwise.

The rest of the group shows up through their various means and all immediately assume that Fabian got jumped. Fabian is meek in a way we’ve never seen before. I’m talking Adaine with Jawbone in Prompocolypse meek. He doesn’t tell them what happened and he answers all the questions with short yesses or no’s as much as possible. The healers heal him (plus Fig and Gorgug) up and take him back to the suite. The Hangman asks if he’s alright. “No Hangman,” he says. “It’s all bad.” Cathilda brings him kippers but he feels like he doesn’t deserve them.

Garthy has a little tete-a-tete with Fig about their tryst with Sandra-Lynn. Garthy is all about getting down but not if that person is in a monogamous relationship (even though they’re against them on principle). Fig (who has been avoiding her mom since the top of the ep) says she’s only mad at Sandra-Lynn (she says Sandra-Lynn, not Mom--oof) since Garthy didn’t know better. It just sucks that this happened to Jawbone. Jawbone as in Jawbone O'Shaughnessy? asks Garthy. Turns out he’s visited (many times) and they’ve boned (super hard) which, honestly, totally tracks.  

Because she didn’t get a full night of sleep, Tracker can’t keep the Moon Haven spell up all night which isn’t great. Kristen can also gather than she’s too tired to remember anything that happened earlier in the night (ie: things about Sandra-Lynn and Jawbone). Fig, concerned that she might get mind controlled again without the Moon Haven up asks Adaine to tie her up (this actually happens before the above conversation with Garthy).

Sleeping arrangements are Fabian, the Hangman, and Riz as a bodyguard in one room and everyone else in another. Adaine trances a little early so she can regain her spells and be awake in case anything happens. Brennan makes everyone do wisdom saves. Kristen and Adaine roll high and Adaine gives her TWO (2) NAT 20 portent rolls to Fig and Gorgug. That leaves Riz and Fabian, but we’ll get to them in a minute.

Adaine wakes up from her trance and she sees Ragh get up early as well. He says he’s going to get some food. Adaine, vigilant as ever asks Ragh who his first kiss was. Ragh acts confused for a second, and then screeches and attacks her, waking everyone up. He’s been dominated. Adaine goes for a Tasha’s Hideous Laughter and subdues him. Also Fig is able to escape Adaine’s magical ropes so maybe she’s not the best person to do that next time.

Meanwhile, Fabian is having a nightmare. He dreams of Wicklaw trying to eat his brain and Chungle-Down spitting in his face and his betrayal of Alistair. He sees the ghosts of the warlock  cultists entering hell and his disappointed father. And then, he’s approached by a man. A man with a familiar, non-threatening sounding, yogurt-offering voice. Fabian, like Adaine before, feels very strongly that if he looks at this man’s face, something terrible will happen but he does take the offered yogurt and agrees to go with him without looking at him. He’s taken to a lovely, sunny, kind of museum area dedicated to Bill Seacaster. Fabian thinks it’s very nice but he starts to notice that though there are many pictures of Bill and Hilariel, there are none of him. He asks why. The man says that Fabian needs to look at him. Fabian is hesitant. The man says that Fabian really needs to look at him. The yogurt in Fabian’s stomach curdles, weakening him (and me because yogurt grosses me out on the best of days and this is not the best of days). The man turns Fabian’s face to look at him and Fabian finds himself looking at a doughy, middle-aged Fabian Seacaster. He laughs hysterically and Fabian wakes up, plunged into the sea.

Elsewhere, Riz wakes up in his room. Fabian is gone, he’s paralyzed, the Hangman has been stabbed through by Fabian’s sword and is leaking oil, and Kalina is sitting on his bed. She was able to get in with the Moon Haven spell down. She speaks to him unsettlingly casually. She sounds almost friendly as she demands Riz and his friends stop looking for the Nightmare King’s crown on the pain of their lives. Riz, a grizzled old knight to his core like all of Murph’s characters, can’t wrap his head around why she would be doing this. It’s simple. Power. She psychologically toys with him, saying that Riz throws himself into his cases (which she seems to know quite a bit about) to distract himself from how sad he is about his dead dad. Then, she says that Fabian is in massive danger and if Riz doesn’t play ball (pun not intentional but it’s staying in), he’ll die. Riz assumes she knows where the Nightmare King’s crown is and she asks why he’s sure she knows which makes him think she actually doesn’t know. Riz, who sleeps with his sword because he’s rightfully paranoid, uses it to Misty Step outside but he’s still paralyzed so he just hits the ground and breaks his arm.

Kalina meets him outside, tells him Fabian is long gone, and tries to bargain with him: information about his dad for information about what he knows. Riz counter-offers that he’ll tell her about where the Nightmare King’s crown is if she guarantees his friends’ safety. She doesn’t care about the crown. She wants to know what Riz knows about her. Riz agrees (to save Fabian) and tells her everything he knows except that he withholds the information about Adaine’s mom being involved and tries to withhold the information he got from Ragh but he accidentally gives himself away without saying Ragh’s name. That’s enough for her to put two and two together though and she leaves to kill Ragh’s mom.

Back in the sea, Fabian has to make three Constitution checks. He rolls two nat 20s in a row for the first two and is rescued two flying imp monsters (presumably sent by Kalina) who drop him off at the edge of town. Fabian, absolutely destroyed, rips off his eyepatch and takes off his Owlbear jacket as he makes his way back. He rolls one last Constitution check. Nat 1. He’s got pneumonia. Cathilda shows up in the Hangvan to pick up Fabian.

The rest of the group is still shaken up by Ragh’s attack. They snap him out of it and someone gets Garthy. Post Riz’s encounter with Kalina, Ragh bursts in, devastated and says that someone from home called and said that his mom died. The whole group is immediately suspicious because--post Gorgug/Zelda debacle--they know they shouldn’t have signal. Ragh tries to call another number and all he hears is laughing on the other end. When Riz (healed up by Garthy) looks, he sees that his phone shows 5 bars for a second. Riz, Tracker, and Sandra-Lynn also see the flicker. Possibly illusion magic. Tracker and Garthy can also now suddenly see the Shadowcat in the picture (but it doesn’t seem like the rest of the Bad Kids can). Riz thinks Ragh’s mom is in serious danger but not dead yet.

Garthy has the idea to send the group to the Leviathan Library so maybe Adaine can learn a Sending Spell to communicate with their various parents and allies in Solace. They give Adaine a note that says to let the group safely use the library addressed to one Aida Aguefort.

Fig checks in with Sandra-Lynn to see if maybe she was under the influence of something more malevolent than alcohol when she cheated. Sandra-Lynn cries, and admits that she just F’d up but that they should deal with the problem at hand for now and that’s where we end, with the bulk of the group en route to the library.  

Detention

Fabian for Everything

Oh Fabian.

Fabian, Fabian, Fabian.

I don’t think I have ever seen a series of events so driven by a single character’s careless actions.

Truly, almost every single bad thing that happened in this episode can be traced directly to Fabian losing his entire chill at the worst possible time.

All those warlocks, dead (And Alistair either dead, seriously hurt, or set on the path to show back up with a vendetta later on down the road).

Because Tracker didn’t get her 8 hours, she couldn’t do the Moon Haven properly which is why Ragh got mind-controlled, the Hangman got stabbed, and he got brain-jacked and dumped into the ocean.

It’s why Kalina got to Riz. It’s why Lydia’s in danger.

And it wasn’t just that what he did was dumb, it was also completely unnecessary. There was no plot reason for what he did and he wasn’t forced into it. It was a completely character driven decision and it was bad, y’all. It was pretty much an absolute fail parade.  

Honor Roll

Brennan and Lou for Absolutely Stellar Roleplay

Everyone had their moments this episode.

Siobhan and Zac made some clever choices. Ally brought some needed levity. Emily subtly continued her emotional threads about Fig’s relationship with her mom and her distress over her actions while mind controlled. And Murph had that absolutely stellar scene in the back half of the back half of the ep with Kalina.

But Brennan and Lou 100% carried this episode.

Brennan is such a good DM that I feel like it’s almost easy to take for granted. Like, if you visit a town, you’re gonna talk about how how cool the shops, and food, and events were. Not about how well the roads are paved. But if the roads are all janky and potholed and stuff then it’s a big issue.

This episode clearly took a major turn from whatever was supposed to happen but Brennan deftly kept pace with all of Fabian’s wild choices and made sure the roads were paved before he got there.

So much of this episode was just Brennan talking to one other person (Fabian and then Riz during the Kalina scene) and he nailed all of it. The disgust from Chungle-Down. The betrayal from Alistair. The concern from Cathilda. The quiet but sinister lilt of Nightmare Fabian. And the affable, dispassionate, Just Business evil from Kalina.

And Lou. Everything Fabian did this episode was an extremely bad idea but it is exactly what Fabian would do in the situation. Lou played him completely consistently, even when it clearly pained him to do so. 

When Lou rolled a nat 1 on his perception check for an escape rope, Brennan essentially handed him a fully loaded gun and said shoot yourself, and Lou grit his teeth and he did it.

Mad respect to both of them for keeping the tension and gravity going for a full three hours basically. That was lightning in a bottle. D&D is an amazing game.

Random Thoughts

I know there’s a significant chunk of the fandom that ships Riz and Fabian and, can I just say, RIP to y’all.

It really was narratively cool that we started out with the Sandra-Lynn plot in this crazy, over the top, comic scene and then ended with the quiet conversation between Fig and her mom on the same topic. It really was a through line throughout the episode without over-shadowing the main drama. This episode had a clear A and B plot just like a scripted show.

Also if Garthy is a powerful as Brennan is making them seem, wild that the NK and Kalina were able to bust through what is supposed to be super sanctified ground, especially since Tracker--a jr. cleric--has been keeping them at bay by herself.

Zac: This is a real Axford move.

Also Zac: I don’t understand what’s gonna happen if this goes well.

Riz and Murph Equally: We’re so stupid.

I think it’s funny how players in D&D tend to treat Zone of Truth like it forces them to spontaneously say things that are true rather than just preventing them from actively lying.

The kinda wild thing about how this whole mess started is that Fabian’s character development is part of why it happened. When he told the warlocks about the dragon and his dad, he gave everyone else their due credit, didn’t hog the spotlight, and didn’t lie/embellish the truth to make himself sound cooler. That in turn disappointed them which made him relapse into S1 Fabian who attacked Gorgug on the first day of school for absolutely no reason. I was actually going to give him major credit for that before he, you know. Made some other choices. He absolutely gushed about how cool his friends were and then invited exactly none of them to his terrible plan.

Lol at Lou being like, “I rolled to get Alistair to make a better speech?”

Bill’s cult of about 20 guys has collectively sent him like 350k gold. That’s insane! They’re all so poor!

Lou playing Fabian very confidently making an absolutely suicidal decision, and then surfacing to laugh hysterically for a full thirty seconds out of character about how he’s for sure gonna die, was such a mood. It was like Lou was being held at gunpoint by Fabian for the entire first half of the session.

Big props to Zac for trying to get everyone in on the action by suggesting the Hangvan would see that the Hangman was gone and let the group know.

OK, so now let’s talk about that line about Wicklaw having eaten many of Fabian’s siblings. Hoo boy. You know this episode was wild because that line was said and never followed up on. What might have been a headline in a different episode was a footnote in this one. No big surprise that Bill would have fathered a ton of kids. That pretty much tracks, as Adaine said last ep. I feel like this was something that was going to come up regardless, Fabian just forced it to be right then and there. This dude hates Bill so going after his kids seems like an obvious move (unless he’s bluffing I guess, but I doubt it). But, like, did Bill know about these kids? Was he fully ignorant? Willfully ignorant? Did they know they were Bill’s kids? Are there any left? Can Fabian please have a little pirate sister because I would love that so much you don’t even know.

You think Lou expected to say (loosely quoting), “I try not to cry in front of Chungle-Down Bim,” when he woke up that morning? Idk but I can tell you that I didn’t expect to hear it and feel strong emotions about it.

Chungle-Down Bim, which is short for Bimothy.

Lol, Brennan makes Emily rolls with Quadruple disadvantage and she still gets a 15 because she has a plus 11 to persuasion. No wonder she’s so quick to slam the disguise self button if there’s even a sliver of a chance it’ll work.

Adaine getting a useless Razor scooter on the way to try and help Fabian and then being like, “Well, I’m still gonna keep it,” was such a funny beat during the tenseness of that fight scene.

I need you guys to know that this is a mindflayer ability: Extract (Ex): An Illithid that begins its turn with all four tentacles attached and successfully maintains its hold automatically extracts the opponent’s brain, instantly killing that creature. Truly what was he thinking? You’re gonna eat his brain? Go ahead because he clearly isn’t using it!

You know the part of Princess Bride when Wesley is giving the “To the Pain” speech to Humperdinck? I feel like that’s what Brennan did to Fabian this episode. “Oh you think I’m going to kill you? No, that would be too easy. This fight is to the pain. You will watch your allies get slaughtered until you are forced to betray them or die. You will escape but in the most clownish fashion possible after breaking your most loyal ally’s heart. You will be beset by your concerned friends and forced to either own up to your horrible life choices or stew with them and lie by omission. You will be the reason your ultimate enemy is able to break in and attack your friends and you will be forced with your worst nightmare before being unceremoniously dumped into the sea. You won’t die. You’ll just wish you had.” Absolutely brutal.

Anyone else feeling a possible villain turn from Allistair? Dude’s a warlock so he’s already prone to dabbling in questionable power sources. And Fabian really did him dirty. I was hoping he’d at least get Kristen or Tracker to try to see if he was around anywhere for a heal but he just went into shellshock shutdown mode and they bounced. We didn’t see him die on screen so I feel pretty strongly that we’ll be seeing him again in some form.

Also, maybe I’m way off, but did you guys feel like Fabian missed a clear opportunity? I thought he was gonna ask his dad for help. Or, at least try and talk to him before the fight. Clearly it’s possible because the warlocks are doing it. Just pray for some infernal intervention or guidance or powers or something? Worth a shot when you’re in such a bad situation anyway.

Fabian never did tell the party what was going on. They all still think he was ambushed and forced into a fight somehow. I really can’t wait for the truth to come out. I wonder how long he’ll sit on that info. He better tell them before they fight Wicklaw again and they find out that way.

Every single player playing up their concern for Fabian and making a point to presume he was in the right and that it had been a wrong place/time situation to make him feel even more like garbage was *chefs kiss*.

The Hangman basically acting like a big metal dog and pressing itself up against Fabian to comfort him is weirdly adorable.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go get tied up.”/“What?”

Also I love Adaine’s reaction to being asked to do it. She’s like, “What? I mean, I’ll do it but, what?” Sidenote, Fig said she was gonna ask Riz as her first choice but that’s also a terrible choice! He has like a minus 2 strength modifier I think. Ask Gorgug!

Truly, the entire episode can be encapsulated in the fact that Siobhan was sitting there with two nat 20 portent rolls but sidelined and useless because Fabian decided to go completely rogue.

I have to give Adaine big credit for checking to see if Ragh was mind controlled because whenever I’m watching a show where a bad guy can shapeshift or possess people, I always think, “Why don’t they just have a codeword or something?” This is one of the few times I’ve seen it properly executed. Genre savviness saves lives people.

Fabian’s rolls really matched his decisions this week. It was like the dice were punishing him with all those nat 1s on crucial checks.

Also, Brennan being like, “You get pneumonia” was lowkey hilarious. Just like, insult to injury. What’s next? He’s gonna die on dysentery on the Oregon Trail?

I wonder if Fabian is considering chronomancy-ing this away? The thought for sure crossed my mind. Also, everyone was joking about everything being all a dream, but that’s something that could happen in this campaign without it being cheap because it’s been set-up that that’s the kind of bad guy they’re up against so I’m staying vigilant.

Ragh coming into the room and, voice cracking, announcing that his mom was dead cut me up so bad. And I thought it would be not as bad on my rewatch. Nope, still awful. I can’t believe I like him so much now. This is like a Steve from Stranger Things level turnaround for me. Also, the chat was absolutely blowing up when Murph was like, “I tell her everything,” without excepting Ragh’s info at first. Brennan is a nice DM for reminding him about that (despite the absolute ravaging of Riz and Fabian otherwise this ep).

Also gotta give a shout out to Murph this ep for playing Riz so well during the confrontation with Kalina. His steadfast, simple, “We can’t stop. It would be wrong. Fullstop,” mentality is so pure. Riz is such an interesting character. When he tried to withhold info, Murph said, “I have low deception.” That’s who Riz is. He’s a rogue with low deception. He’s sneaky but only in pursuit of justice. No guile at all. Kalina, who is as casual as he is wound up and amoral and he is knightly is such an interesting foil for him. I’m very intrigued to see how this develops.  

Like I said in the recap, Garthy and Tracker can now see Kalina in the picture, even though neither of them saw her when she broke in (that they know of) so the plot thickens there. I’d go into it more but I really don’t have any new theories off the top of my head and this was honestly the least of my worries re: this ep.

Also, she says that all of her abilities come from serving the NK, and she had the abilities since she was working with Pok so this doesn’t seem to be a new development. I will say though, based on the info the group got, I really thought she was gonna be a more ancient being, you know? Maybe it’s just a title and she’s just the latest tabaxi to serve him and get it? I dunno.

Truly the mood for this episode was dawning horror. Things just got progressively worse in new and interesting ways every single scene.

Speaking of, let’s talk about Fabian’s vision. First of all, Brennan did a great job real-time DJ-ing that scene. The switch to that creepy music was very unsettling. Second of all, the chat exploding when Brennan started doing That voice and everyone for a brief moment thought that maybe, Maybe, Gilear was the Nightmare King, was delicious. But, on to the important stuff: When this happened to Adaine, my guess was that if she had looked at figure, it would have been a representation of her anxiety which I think was like 65% correct based on what happened to Fabian. Her worst possible future for herself is probably herself ruled by anxiety to the point of uselessness so she would have seen that version of herself. Fabian’s worst possible future self is essentially Gilear. Which, on behalf of Gilear, ouch. But, yeah, I see why it would be. And, honestly, NK-Fabian was worse than Gilear. Gilear is pathetic, sure, but he’s pathetic in pursuit of his own goals. To be stuck in his dad’s shadow, devoid of any other purpose is the antithesis of Fabian’s whole making a name for himself thing and a sick twisting of his very real pride in his dad. It’s a real raw nerve to hit, especially right after his colossal failure that left him feeling unworthy of even his favorite snack.

I’m really glad Fabian looked at the face of his nightmare. Brennan pushed him a little (in that fantastically unnerving, cajoling yet demanding voice) but I think he would have done it anyway. Like, it’s good information for the team to have and, if anyone was gonna get hit, it made most sense for it to happen right then, when Fabian was already at basically his lowest point. Both Adaine and Fabian felt like something horrible would happen if they looked at their nightmare and I’m wondering if there’s a mechanical effect to that or if it’s just psychological. I feel like there might be some not yet revealed mechanical effect going on but, when your players are as devoted to the RP as Lou (who, again, asked to take damage from his fall even after Brennan was gonna let him off with just the shame) you can get away with just giving the character trauma and having the player hinder their own actions based on it.

Titles for this recap that I rejected include Actions and Consequences and Keyfish 2: Pirate Boogaloo (because the first part of this episode truly felt like the CritRole Keyfish incident but spread out over an hour and a half).

Yet another thing that would have been a headline item in another recap but is just a footnote here: Aida Aguefort. That’s gotta be a sibling, ex, or parent (in my order of probability). What is an Aguefort doing running a pirate library? Are they as chaotic as the other Aguefort? I think it would be very funny if Arthur is this dude in a high position in a “normal” town who is just feral and Aida is living on this insane pirate island but, like, a completely normal librarian.

Oh, speaking of Aguefort, Kalina called him out on his child soldier factory and, listen, I know she was just trying to hurt Riz but she doesn’t not have a point.

Kristen was able to discern that Tracker probably won’t remember what happened with Sandra-Lynn but I hope she keeps track of that info because if Tracker rolls high perception and finds out that she semi-willfully kept that information from her, she might be miffed.

Are all of Bill’s dead warlocks gonna work on his hell ship now? Didn’t they become warlocks specifically because they were bad at being pirates?

I notice the group didn’t wait for Fabian even after Riz presumably told them what happened. I also notice that Cathilda was able to find Fabian right away which is interesting.

Adaine solemnly Razor scooting at the front of the party towards the library is low key hysterical.

Fig better hope it doesn’t get back to Jemina that she was being impersonated.

Also, that plan was crazy but super not the craziest thing Emily has ever done and Brennan backed her up on that. He was like, “This is good. This isn’t Hilda Hilda,” which is where the bar is because Emily is crazy.

Fig: We’re gonna fail./Gorgug: We’re gonna die./Adaine: And, more importantly, we’re gonna fail school.

Riz’s “How about no dead friends,” one-liner was so good. Unfortunately, it didn’t do anything to stop his paralysis. Ouch.

I’m assuming Kalina was asking what he knew to see if there was anyone she needed to kill because they knew too much about her? Because, otherwise, it seems like unimportant info for her. I was thinking when it was happening that she needed him to give her that information so they could take it from him and he wouldn’t have it anymore, like in a weird Fae way, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s probably just the simple thing.

Garthy doesn’t leave the Golden Gardens which is probably good for game balance. You don’t want to give the players a super powerful ally who has no reason not to help them at any given time. That’s rife for PC abuse.

I have to say, after last week, I was hoping we’d be done with the pirate stuff halfway through the ep and en route to Falinel but this was such a turn. I was saying to someone last week, it’s very tempting to try and predict where a D&D game is going by using typical narrative structure as a guide but that only halfway works because you really can’t account for the improvisational nature of it. I absolutely could not have guessed that this is what this episode would be and I’m glad.

Goes without saying, this ep totally snatched the crown for Most Heart Attacks Given To Me By BLM from Family in Flames.

“The game isn’t about what you plan; it’s about what happens,” sounds like a line from an inspirational Ted Talk, and not from a man who, minutes later, said that a pirate named Chungle-Down Bim wanted to use a teenager’s mouth as a toilet.

“I feel drunk from anxiety.” Same Ally.

You wanna know how many pages of handwritten notes I have for this episode? If you guessed 16, you’re right. And I was so into the ep, I forgot to keep track of crits, which is why I had to watch it a second time.

Emily proposing “felettes” as the feminine version of fellas.

“How many HP you at?”/”I’m not telling you.”

Just, the idea of this warlock drawing on Bill’s power to try and attack his son is so raw.

Brennan, being asked by Zac if he can help with Emily’s crazy plan: You absolutely may not and, in fact, take five points of damage.”

Siobhan: What do you have to lose?/Gorgug: *Rolls a nat 1 and almost severs the rope he and Fig are holding on to*

Garthy plays the harpsichord (I have in my notes harpsichord and not harp so I’m going with that) post-coital which is definitely a choice.

The shot of levity that Brennan injected between the big fight and the NK invasion by having Garthy know Jawbone was great. I knew it was coming as soon as Fig said his name, but the comic timing was still perfect. Apparently, Jawbone’s stories are crazy even by Garthy’s standards, which is wild.

Also funny, Fig being tied up as combat started. It didn’t end up making a difference but, at a certain point, when enough bad things have happened, piling more bad stuff on top just becomes funny like, yeah. Of course. That tracks.

Ally: Sleep when you’re dead, which might be this episode.

Riz and Gorgug (and Allistair) each roll one nat 1. Kristen rolls a nat 20. Adaine has 20s for both of her portent rolls (which she gives to Fig and Gorgug). And Fabian rolled an amazing 2 Nat 20s (in a row) and FIVE nat 1s.  

Edit: Oh, forgot to say! Next week there won’t be a game because Thanksgiving is happening in the States. Early Happy Thanksgiving for y’all in the U.S. who are celebrating. I’m thankful for a week off to recover after the ordeal that was this episode. 

[Footnote: This ended up cracking 6000 words, in case you’re wondering about the ways I choose to spend my time. Shoutout to y’all for reading these and justifying the dissertation length brain dumps my dumb, former English major brain compels me to produce for absolutely no good reason.]

oh my GOD the new ep!!!! like!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH happened but then also the preview for the next ep looks SO GOOD

**spoilers for first kisses and last words**

Hoo boy this was, as I predicted, a BIG one. Not that I needed to be an oracle to figure that out since there’s only a few eps left but man did it deliver.

I still think that Cool Kids, Cold Case had the most off the wall nonsense happening in the shortest period of time but this ep I think was overall the most consistently wild ep.

So let’s take it from the top.

I think I forgot to mention it before but Adaine’s, “I go into a rage,” hardcore cracked me up.

“I have hold person.”/”I stuff a sock in her mouth.” Insult to injury Adaine. 

The entire group dunking on Aelwen, forgetting that Riz is literally bleeding out, half dead.

“sausage festival” 

Adaine really was dead serious about her snitching threat huh?

Ally miming a boom mic.

I love how everyone including Siobhan mess up Aelwen’s name or mix it up with Adaine’s half the time.

And speaking of, wow. What a rise and fall for her in 3 eps (and about an hour in game time). She’s queen of the nerds. She’s not even cool at her own school. And terrified of whoever she made whatever shady deal with. I know she literally tried to kill the whole party last ep and that she’s the worst but I almost feel for her.

Almost.

“This is not on you. This is on the world within which you inhabit.”

I love Adaine’s semi-indigent, “We’re not going to kill you,” because Alwen was 100% ready to murder them which, side note, imagine how much on an international incident that would have been.

Lol at the group tag team bullying Aelwen about going to Mumple and Adaine using her magic jacket for super petty BS.

“Hey mom!”/”GodDAMMIT honey.”

The parent/kid relationships are so good in this show.

Everyone but Kristen parkouring off the roof when Sklonda specifically set up a ladder. 

“The put a girl in a palimpsest,” followed immediately by, “She went to a party,” as if those are on the same level.

Sklonda Gukgak DUNKING Aelwen into the squad car with a technical assist from Adaine. I knew she was gonna be my fave parent from her intro scene and I love her even more than I thought.

“With all due respect, (A/N: Which is none), suck my dick, fuck you.”

“She tried to murder me.”/”BE THAT AS IT IS.”

“Eh, you carry a gun.”

“No one who’s detecting maidens is a maiden.”

I feel like I’m quoting a lot today but there were so many money lines this episode. 

Everyone always loses it when Brennan starts doing the Identify spell voice and I love it. 

Adaine’s dad is T R A S H

Adaine’s mom on the other hand…I’ve been wondering about her for a little while because usually the outright emotional abuse has been from her dad while her mom is either not there or not saying anything. So I’ve been wondering was her deal is and we finally got the start of an answer. I know we only have a few eps left but I hope we go a little deeper into what exactly is going on there. It seems like Adaine’s parents are gonna be a big factor in whatever endgame is planned so fingers crossed,

Everyone cracking up as Emily backs Fig into a corner talking to Penelope. 

I love Gorgug so freaking much. Just his good natured, lumbering self. EVery time Zac opens his mouth gold falls out. 

Emily MAXED out her deception huh?

I think Siobhan must have forgotten that she took the crystal with Ostentasia away from Aelwen at the end of last ep. Either that or they willingly gave it to the cops and I forgot (but I think it’s the former because she said in this ep that it was in Aelwen’s pocket when at the end of the last ep she def took it).

My autocorrect keeps wanting me to type Ellen for Aelwen. I WISH.

I knew it! He’s a PIRATE. Suck it Fabian. (lol at Adaine stirring the pot. That was like Adaine being sincerely polite and Siobhan trying to cause problems and I love mixed motive player/character decisions). 

I wonder if the banker is named after John Hughes. 

I can’t believe the dumb bank is actually a huge plot point.

Yikes, re: Bill and Fabian. That got tense. Though I’ve kinda been waiting for some kind of blowout for a while. His dad runs very hot and cold and I figured it would only be a matter of time before we saw some of the cold.

Also, Lou breaking character in the middle of that very intense moment to clarify a plot point. 

Sidenote: For a hot sec after reading the title of the ep and remembering how Sklonda is competent to the point of (probably) breaking the original plot, I was so concerned she was gonna eat it this ep. So glad she didn’t.

Anyway, the idea of swinging sadly on a rope is so freaking funny.

Fig: Can I offer you a sad song in this trying time?

Huge portrait of Bill Seacaster in Fabian’s room. 

Adaine is gonna bring up him kissing her sister very time she needs to get out of something w/ Fabian for the rest of her immortal life. 

Another sidenote: This is a little thing but I always think it’s interesting when fantasy worlds have the same months and days as us when they’re named after like Norse Gods and Roman statesmen that wouldn’t exist in their world. Same with Roman numerals and Irish coffee. 

“Am I allowed to smoke in here?”/”Of course.”

I really like the character detail that Adaine is always really polite to everyone, including/especially people like Fabian’s maid and Basrar. People that she wouldn’t necessarily “have to” be polite to, you know? It’s like she’s trying to make up for the fact that her family is a bag of dicks. 

“Fantasy Google”

The whole bit with Fabian’s porn stash was so good. This group is so good w/ yes-adning each other.

“Privateer me a new one.” Emily is so good.

“Special investment” Suspicious  

I was thinking “I can’t believe looking at a bank’s FAQs is part of this game,” right as Brennan said it.

So I went back and watched Siobhan’s face from when Emily first mentioned Kal Vaxis to when she got the connection to KVX and it took her 22 seconds. I also missed the quick cut to Brennan when Gorgug asks, “What is Kal Vaxis,” and you can tell he knows they’re so close to breaking it with the little grin on his face. I wish we had gotten a reaction shot right after she got it. Anyway, great team solve w/ the MVP trophy to Siobhan/Adaine. 

I loved when Zac, Emily, and Siobhan all whipped out their laminated maps in tandem to figure out what was happening. 

The hard mood change from Adaine dropping the bomb about Riz’s dad and to forming a committee to help Gorgug flirt with Zelda was wild.

Kristen telling anyone to be suave is hysterical. 

What a DISASTER of a committee Gorgug’s friends are. Well meaning but so trash

Fig: Tell her you got a SICK tattoo

Adaine: Bring her to see art in the middle of the night

Fabian: You cannot date this person (Kristen: You absolutely have to)

Kristen: Actually not garbage advice but she is in no position to be giving dating advice to anyone 

Riz: Having a literal existential crisis 

“Who else is he gonna date?” WOW, savage Adaine.

I meant to say this before but I love how Adaine’s go-to is immediately ice cream and she’s always on board to go to Basrar’s. Like how when she texted everyone 2 eps ago she was like, “Let’s get ice cream now.”

Mmm, don’t love that Gorthalax isn’t answering his phone. I have been waiting for a significant adult to die for a while now.

OK, look, the whole thing about Penelope and Dayne being eternal prom king/queen. Is it wild? Yes. Is it implausible? No. No it’s not. Even Murph, most veteran player, was kind of like, “Wait, does that make sense?” Because, in this setting, it kind of would? I’m not sure it fits within the story so far and I’d have to go back and listen to the more lore-y stuff again but the conceit itself is like the exact right amount of crazy to fit in this setting? And they never cut to Brennan like I wanted so I could judge his face for any kind of tell. But anyway, you guys know I’ve been predicting a prom finale and this would fit right into a prom finale. 

The girls giving Gorgug a pep talk before his date was ADORABLE. 

Gorgug having to check his phone to remember three words, “You look nice.”

“Your friends are popular and loud” True

Zelda’s a BARBARIAN! She’s a MEGA BARBARIAN! 

I know they mean ecstasy like intense emotion but I kept thinking, like, molly.

Hmm, so Penelope wanted to know if Zelda had hooked up w/ Gorgug, ie: if she was a maiden. Can they only palimpsest maidens? Or (as we will get to later) does nice guy Biz only want virginal maidens for his creepy reverse Weird Science arcade setup?

Zelda listing off every type of metal and then Gorgug’s, “Same stuff,” was perfect comic timing on Zac’s part.

Imagine the Hangman screaming down the road on fire, Zelda completely terrified. 

I love the Hangman so freaking much.

“DO NOT GIVE TREATS TO MY MOTORCYCLE.”

I can’t believe everyone is living at the freaking crappy apartments. I knew they were all gonna end up hanging at one persons’ house but I kinda figured it would be Fabian’s house or Gorgug’s house. 

I”m also concerned about Bill. I feel like we keep getting reminded that he’s mortal a LOT.

Did Gorgug’s parents have indoor fireworks on tap for Gorgug’s first date?

Oh my God the whole docking conversation. Never play chicken with Brennan because the dude will not blink.

“We didn’t do that.” That’s his other best comic timing moment of the ep.

“Polishing my axe”

Kristen this episode 

I really wish they’d made the roll to find Ragh later in the ep. Fig is so ride or die for Gilear now and I love it.

“I fall asleep.”

Adaine almost making her parents dunk on Gilear but then pulling back.

But also, Adaine and Gilear going off the the oracle together.

“Fig pack it in.”

Affirmations with Fig and Gilear.

Fig, do you really think platonically cuddling with Kristen is the move?

Riz setting himself up for a dramatic entrance is so fantastic.

Hmm, so Biz and Zayne were attacked at the same time. That’s why that cold pill detail was in there way back. I’ve been trying to figure out what was always planned and what was quick re-working but Brennan is so good I can never really tell.

Are multiple unrelated groups just getting into palimpsests at the same time? Or mostly unrelated groups tied to one person?

“We are not gonna get our security deposit back.”

RIZ’S DAD IS JAMES BOND! YES! I didn’t know I wanted that to be the case until it happened and now that’s the only acceptable option. 

Riz didn’t get the 20′s he needed when fighting Aelwen but man he got it at the best story moment this week.

Oh man that home movie

The pearl is grey. Interesting. 

“Mom our family is so awesome Mom we’re all so badass, I thought it was just us but Dad is awesome too, why didn’t you tell me Mom?”

Sklonda: Internally screaming. 

Man he went full Inigo Montoya.

“I’ve got nimble escape so…”

“I guess we have a two bedroom,” I think was a really underrated funny line.

Did Riz ever tell his mom about the time of death thing.

Everyone inundating Gilear with overlapping chatter.

lol the Hangman likes Zelda’s family

Ally’s panicked, “FUCK” is always hilarious. 

Why are all the adults in Gorgug’s life trying to get him laid?

OK so the elementals were conjured by Aelwn’s magic Brennan said. He said by Aelwen’s magic, not by Aelwen. I wonder if that turn of phrase was specific or arbitrary. Like, we were told where Aelwen is but we don’t know. Was she forced to do it (either by threat or by magic)? Clearly someone (Biz?) is pulling her strings to at least some degree. 

“It’s probably about marriage.” “WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED.”

That happened fast

Fun fact from my International Law class: When a government kidnaps someone, it’s called rendition. 

“There’s a war, fuck school.”

Yeah it is wild that Adaine’s parents didn’t call her.

OK so did the Elves get Aelwen back but also go, “But you still need to go to jail.” Because they cut Brennan off before the end of that sentence which might have had more clues in it.

“I text my mom k”

I also wanna know who gave Kristen a slushy marg (It’s war times. I bet things are looser now)

Murph’s face when Brennan said, “Lucky Stones” was so good. That was so Riz.

S/O to Ally for pre-casting Guardian of Faith. Good instinct. 

AHHHHHH BIZ

As I said in an earlier conversation s/o to Adaine for DUNKING on him at every opportunity because he DESERVED IT. Also, her instincts for who sucks in this game have been spot on.

Another s/o to Riz for having the presence of mind to not pull a Star Lord and to pretend to be on the bad dude’s side for long enough to gain some kind of upper hand.

OK, wow was not expecting that twist. I feel like I need to go back and rewatch some stuff to get a better handle of the timeline and stuff. Like, when exactly did the girls start going missing again? And what year is Biz? Has he been masterminding this whole thing? I feel like no but I feel like he’s masterminding his own thing which happens to a puzzle piece in something bigger? BUT IT’S A PRETTY DAMN BIG PIECE. Who opened the new arcade? Is it connected to the bank?  How did Biz get involved? Who’s his supplier? Did someone hook up Biz, Daybreak, Penelope, and Aelwen with Palimpsests to do their own separate things, hoping that at least one of them would succeed which would somehow be good for the mystery person? I am so excited to find out and I really hope Brennan and the cast do a Q+A sesh after S1 is over to hash some stuff out.

Siobhan’s face when Biz said he was going after Adaine.

ALSO, you’re just gonna TELL RIZ and you wanna PUT ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS into a MAGIC CRYSTAL???? AND YOU THOUGHT HE’D BE ON BOARD? Like, even if he was, what about the 4 other people who are there?????

(sidenote, wild Gorgug’s parents just left them alone, no questions asked)

Theme-wise, this is the fight ep I’m most excited for. It seems rad as hell.

All that yelling in the promo for next week. Either the raddest thing possible happened or there was a TPK. There is no other option.

Wow, that was a stellar ep and this is a really long post. I really can’t wait for next week’s!

Edit: I meant to say before, is Penelope’s FB album like…a hit list? Like does whoever’s doing the actual dirty work (Biz? S/o else?) know that whoever she takes a picture with is who they should target?