#matthias helvar x y/n
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Six Of Crows/Shadow & Bone Recommendations
Main Master-list
Smut - *
Kaz Brekker Masterlist
The Darkling Masterlist
Matthias Helvar Masterlist
Jesper Fahey Masterlist
Tolya Yul-Bataar Masterlist
Nikolai Lantsov Masterlist
#shadow and bone#six of crows#kaz brekker#the darkling#matthias helvar#nikolai lantsov#kaz x reader#kaz brekker smut#the darkling x reader#the darkling smut#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x y/n#nikolai lantsov x reader#grishaverse#netlfix#jesper fahey x reader#jesper fahey#tolya x reader
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Matthias: *Holding the door open for Y/N* After you.
Y/N: No, after you.
Matthias: I insist, after you.
Kaz: *Pushing past both of them* After me.
#matthias helvar#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar imagine#incorrect six of crows quotes#incorrect shadow and bone quotes#six of crows#shadow and bone imagine#shadow and bone#six of crows imagine#incorrect six of crows#soc imagine#incorrect soc#incorrect soc quotes#soc#grishaverse imagine#incorrect grishaverse quotes#incorrect grishaverse#grishaverse
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Hii, could you do a matthias x reader with the promp "Did I miss the part where you suddenly turned likeable?" where the reader is Grisha and her and matthias HATE, eachother. Like literally loath eachothers existence and they end up jeprodising missions because off it
A/n: loved this idea!!! who doesn't love a good enemies-to-(maybe?) friends story! let me know what you think anon :)
Matthias X Inferni Fem!Reader
Word Count: 2,490
Warnings: mentions of disfigurement, burning, cursing, not proofread
The force of the explosion collided with Matthias’ back, throwing him forward like a ragdoll. Heat singed the back of his neck as small shards of rock and glass bit into his skin. He slammed down against the rocky ground, knocking the breath from his chest. Pain and shock kept him immobilized for a few moments as he tried to gasp air into his lungs. His ears rung with a high pitched keening, the world disappearing in a blaze of bright white light for an instant.
When he finally felt his lungs expand with a greedy breath, he opened his eyes to see a pair of leather boots standing in front of him. He looked up at you, your lip curled slightly in a half-snarl, half-smirk.
“Get up, druskelle. I’m not carrying you.” You stood above him, your arms crossed, a look of smug contentment on your face as you watched him struggle to regain his breath and clamber to his hands and knees.
Hatred boiled in his gut as the urge to swipe your ankles out from under you raced through his mind. He knew you were too good a fighter, your reflexes too quick, to actually be caught unawares like that, but the image of you falling to your ass - no matter how unlikely - was so appealing that he couldn’t help himself. He lashed out with his right hand, hoping that a combination of speed and strength might just catch you off your guard.
As he predicted, you were too fast. You lifted one of your feet and slammed it down on his wrist like a cat catching its prey, pinning his wrist against the ground. He grit his teeth against the pain. You’d used just enough force to hurt him without actually injuring him, although he knew that wasn’t for his benefit.
“Saints, you two are going to get us all killed!” Jesper and Kaz strode over from the still smoldering remains of the building you’d blown up. Kaz’s face looked like a thundercloud as he approached you, coming up so close to your face Matthias swore the Bastard of the Barrel was going to spit on you.
“Let him go, Fire Witch.” Kaz’s voice was a low growl, threat laced through every word. Your eyes narrowed in challenge, and Matthias felt your foot grind down a little harder on his wrist before releasing him. You were flicking the shard of flint you used as a fire starter between the fingers of your right hand as you held Kaz’s gaze.
“He shouldn’t be here,” you snarled back. “I don’t work with Grisha killers. He’s lucky I haven’t burned the skin from his bones.” Your eyes were dark and hateful as you watched Matthias rise from the ground. He ignored the threat: however strong your hatred of him, it was returned in kind.
“It’s not your call. Fall in line, or get out of my sight.” Matthias hadn’t known Kaz long, but if there was one thing he’d learned, it was that Kaz Brekker was the leader of every mission. Matthias, for his part, appreciated a strong leader. Kaz’s shrewd if at times shockingly cruel tactics never troubled Matthias, although he’d seen you struggle with taking orders since you’d fallen in with the crew almost a year ago.
So Matthias wasn’t surprised when he saw your hands flit like hummingbirds at your side. He realized now why Kaz was standing so close: it blocked you from being able to use the Small Science. And Kaz knew you well enough to know that you’d never back down from him - literally or figuratively. Matthias made a mental note in his head, although he sincerely doubted if he’d ever tolerate being that close to you. Your and Kaz’s nose were barely a hair’s width from brushing.
“I don’t take orders, either.” Your voice matched Kaz’s in its tone, eagerly rising to the challenge.
Kaz didn’t balk or blink in the slightest. In fact, he smirked smugly at you, like a spider who knows its caught a fly. Jesper stood close to Kaz’s side, his eyes trained on you warily.
“You’ll take orders from me, Witch, or you’ll suffer the consequences. More aptly, you’ll watch someone else suffer the consequences.”
For the first time since Matthias had the misfortune of meeting you, he saw something like real fear in your eyes. Your nostrils flared at Kaz. As the standoff stretched on through a few tense breaths, Matthias realized he never knew how or why you’d come to end up working with Kaz Brekker. He’d never cared enough to wonder. He couldn’t make heads or tails of what Kaz meant by “watching someone else suffer the consequences”, although it clearly struck a chord for you. Whatever Kaz had on you, it was something you didn’t seem willing or able to walk away from.
“You know I won’t do that.” Your chin dropped a half inch, your eyes widening slightly as if to convey to Kaz a sincerity Matthias didn’t know you had.
Sensing victory, Kaz nodded. “I know that. So you’ll fall in line. Stop trying to get the Fjerdan killed.”
You shot Matthias a look of contempt over Kaz’s shoulder. Irritated and emboldened, Kaz thrust the carved crow handle of his cane up under your chin, jerking your head back towards him.
“Fall in line or pay the price.”
Matthias watched as the rest of your headstrong resolve crumbled under whatever Kaz was threatening you with. The tension in the air was so thick Matthias realized he was holding his breath. He shot a quick look over at Jesper, stock still at Kaz’s shoulder with his shooting hand flexed subtly by his holster, as if he thought you might lash out at his boss. Something about Jesper’s defensive posture and Kaz’s overtly bullying behavior was grating on him. For reasons he couldn’t understand, he actually felt like defending you.
“She won’t kill me, Boss.” Three pairs of eyes snapped over to Matthias as he spoke. “She couldn’t if she tried. Fjerdan or not, I’ve gotten under her skin. She likes me, she just doesn’t know it yet.”
Matthias didn’t believe a word he said, but he added just enough smug swagger to his voice that Kaz and Jesper seemed to buy it. The moment broken, Kaz stepped back from you and Jesper’s shooting hand dropped from his holster. Kaz shot you one more warning look before he strode past you, shoving you with his shoulder and leaving you and Matthias alone.
Matthias watched your eyes bore holes in the back of Kaz’s head as he limped over the ridge and out of sight. Finally, you turned back to face him. Usually your eyes were nothing but loathsome pits when you looked at him. Matthias couldn’t be sure if he imagined it, but he swore he saw a flicker of something like gratitude in your face. You opened your mouth and inhaled, ready to speak, but no words came out. Your mouth snapped close, and you looked up at Matthias with a strange flurry of emotion. Then, with a small nod of your head, you turned on your heel and followed Kaz.
It was the first time Matthias could remember that you’d wasted an opportunity to goad him. And the first time you could remember when Matthias had been something other than a thorn in your side.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“What did Brekker mean by ‘someone else will suffer the consequences’?”
You barely looked up from the rabbit you were skinning from across the fire.
“What are you talking about, Druska?” Your new nickname for Matthias. He supposed it was a bit better than druskelle, although you still sounded like you were hexing him every time you spoke.
“A few months ago. After the glass factory job.”
Recognition dawned on your face, but you didn’t respond.
“Kaz told you to step in line or someone else w-”
“I remember,” you interrupted him, an edge of irritation in your voice. “After I threatened to burn the skin off your bones.”
Matthias chuckled. “The very same.”
You still kept silent, studiously avoiding his gaze, although he didn’t miss the violent way you stabbed the skinned rabbit carcass with the spit.
Matthias opened his mouth to press the matter further, but something about the cold glitter in your eyes stopped him. The two of you hadn’t spoken about that day since, although there had been a noticeable change between the two of you. Matthias wouldn’t go so far as to say you were friends. More like non-combative work associates. He figured it was an improvement over borderline murderous adversaries, and he realized he wasn’t willing to risk going back to the way things were.
Befuddled by his own reaction, Matthias shrugged, resolved to drop it.
You spoke so quietly he thought he’d imagined it at first.
“He’s talking about my sister.” Your eyes wide and glassy, the fire dancing in your pupils.
Matthias froze, too shocked to know what to say back. Thankfully, you seemed content to fill the silence.
“Kaz lets her work at the Crow Club in exchange for my services. She’s… she can’t get a lot of jobs. Any jobs, really. On account of the… scars.” You swallowed thickly, tamping down a lump in your throat and swiping away the tears that pooled on your lash line.
Feeling compelled to speak, Matthias blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“What scars?”
For half a moment, he wondered if you would launch yourself at his throat from across the fire. Normally, the two of you didn’t make small talk, even when you were alone on missions - which had been happening a lot, recently. His question stepped over small talk into the realm of personal.
For the second time in as many minutes, he was shocked at your vulnerable response.
“The burns,” you choked out. “We were little… my parents had just figured out I was Grisha. We were playing… she pulled on my hair, yanked some of it out. I just… lost control. I just meant to scare her. Not to hurt her. Just to get her to leave me alone… but… I burned her.”
Matthias could barely breathe, his heart thundering in his chest. He watched as tears slipped loose from your eyes, trailing down your cheeks and dripping off your jaw onto the dirt.
You ignored them, the words falling out of your mouth like water bursting through a dam.
“The burns are… extensive. All over her face, neck. Her arms. There’s nothing wrong with her, she can still do everything you and I can. Her eyesight’s a little worse, but for the most part. She’s OK. It’s just… people look at her and they don’t know what to do. They think she’s a monster. We were banished from our village. Our neighbors said she was marked by demons. Some of them figured out it was me. That I burned her. So they called me a demon. My parents… they did their best, but they didn’t know anything about Grisha. They’d never left Fjerda before.”
Matthias sucked in a breath, his chest tight like a winch.
“You’re Fjerdan?”
You looked up at him like you were coming out of a daze. As if he were seeing you for the first time, he noticed the proud way you held your chin. Your fearlessness. The streak of loyalty you had, the duty to protect those around you, even the ones you hated. How he had not seen it before?
“Yes. I am.”
Your words hung in the air like smoke. Matthias felt his feelings for you turn upside down, a strange and unwelcome feeling of affection blossoming in his chest. Eager to bat it away, he scrambled for something to say, anything.
“I never knew that.”
You chuckled darkly, rolling your eyes.
“I know, Druska. I wanted it that way. Fjerda was… not kind to me.”
Matthias nodded, unable to find a suitable response. He’d been raised to hate Grisha, to hunt them like the dogs he’d been told they were. He’d never stopped to consider the person behind the Small Science.
“So… your sister and you, are you close?”
You shook your head, that coldness flaring to life in your eyes again.
“No. She hates me. Disowned me as soon as she was old enough to live on her own. My parents weren’t too far behind her. They never forgave me for what I did to her.”
You trailed off, only the crackling fire filling the silence for a few breaths. Matthias waited, watching you thoughtfully as you turned the roasting rabbit on its spit.
“I look after her. From a distance. I traded my service as an Inferni with Brekker for her employment. So she wouldn’t have to resort to… other professions, to make a living for herself. It’s the least I can do.”
Matthias felt a second surge of affinity towards you. The pieces began to fit together for him: the reason you resented him so vehemently; the reason Kaz was able to blackmail you so easily; the way you fought with the kind of recklessness that only comes from not truly minding if you live or die.
“Sounds like she is lucky to have you,” he offered.
You quirked one corner of your lips at him in a sarcastic smirk. “Lucky? Luck has nothing to do with it. One of the first things you learn as a Grisha.”
Matthias snorted, shaking his head. You narrowed your eyes at him in question. “That’s not a Grisha lesson, Firedrake,” he told you, using the nickname he’d given you in exchange for ‘Druska’. “That’s a Fjerdan lesson. Only the strong survive. And the strongest save us all. Your sister, she sounds strong. She survived. But you? You have saved her. That makes you the strongest.”
You looked at him across the fire, deep in thought as he watched you take in his words. He could tell you wanted to argue, but for some reason you didn’t. After a few moments, you tipped your head back and laughed. It broke the tension, and Matthias found himself laughing alongside you. For the first time since he’d met you, Matthias wondered if the two of you might actually grow to be friends.
“Druska, did I miss the part where you suddenly turned so likeable?”
He felt a warm flush spread across his cheeks. Grateful for the dim light, he ducked his head down, both of you still chortling.
“Funny what happens when you stop threatening to burn the skin from my bones, isn’t it?”
You smiled, showing your teeth for once. Matthias returned the grin, his heart doing an unfamiliar twirl in his chest. That’s new, he thought to himself.
“I guess it is, Druska. I guess it is…”
For the first time since the two of you had met, neither of you slept uneasily that night…
#matthias helvar#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar imagine#matthias helvar requests#shadow and bone#shadow and bone requests#shadow and bone imagine#calahan skogman
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Liar
Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!WIfe!Reader
Word count: 2347
Summary: You've kept being a Grisha secret from your husband Matthias Helvar, but what happens when he finds out?
Y/N - Your name
D/N - Daughter name
If it hadn’t been for two big reasons, you’d like to think you’d have left Fjerda.
The ice, the cold, the anti Grisha talk. Living in Fjerda was nerve wracking, causing you to be hypervigilant on everything you said or did. To say it was tiring, would be an understatement. Yet two people kept you in Fjerda; your husband Matthias Helvar and your daughter D/N Helvar.
There were nights where you would toss and turn, your mind plaguing you with nightmares about Matthia finding out about you. Those nightmares never ended the same way. In one dream he’d kill you, the other you’d try to run away together, only for him to be killed. Sometimes you’d be caught instead. In the worst nightmares, it’d be your daughter who was caught and killed.
It’s not that you were afraid of Matthias. You feared him finding out because you didn’t want to lose him. Either from him leaving you, or the other Druskelle killing him.
While you were awake though, you fortunately had a friend. A woman named Elise, who lived a few houses down and was also a Grisha. A tidemaker to be more specific.
When night fell and darkness covered you both, you two would become a particular thorn in the Druskelle’s sides. Elise would use her tidemaker abilities to create harsh waves that would knock over the boats before they could depart, or icicles that pierced the bottom of the boats, while you would free any Grisha the Druskelle decided to make a “public example” out of. That among other things caused the Druskelle to have a hit out on both of you, but since you were never caught, it was like trying to capture a shadow.
“I know that I’m right”, Elise said. You rolled your eyes. This was the third time she brought up the possibility of her son, Erik, liking your daughter.
“They’re six Elise”
“I knew what I wanted at six! Plus, Erik gave his scarf to her. Isn’t that proof?”
“No. He noticed she was cold and he was nice”. Elise waved dismissively and went to open her mouth, but luckily Matthias emerged from the back. You had to admit, if you hadn’t known Matthias, you’d be startled by his build. He once told you that he was the tallest and biggest kid amongst the Drukelle, and you never doubted it. Even now, he was taller and bigger than most of the men you saw walking around. He absolutely terrified Elise when she first saw him, and you always brought it up when you wanted a good laugh.
“They’re too young to date” he said simply before he placed a kiss on your cheek. “They should wait till they’re older and he can court her properly”
You spoke before Elise could make a sarcastic remark, “where are you off to?”
“Boating docks. We’ll be taking off before the week is done, and we have to stay alert”. You fought against the urge to shoot a glance at the woman sitting next to you. Matthias mistook you anxious about being caught for anxiousness about his safety. He rubbed your cheek lightly with his thumb and looked at you with soft eyes, “I’ll be ok”.
You nodded in understanding and off he went, not knowing he was watching out for you.
~~~
You peered out your window, watching the sun start to go down. You had told the kids to be home at six bells. Foolish of you to think they’d actually listen when you weren’t watching them.
“I’m gonna start looking for them”, you announced as you threw your coat on. Your hand hovered over the doorknob, before suddenly it was thrown open.
Erik stood in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth opening and closing like a fish taken out of the water. His left sleeve was completely wet, and you couldn’t help but notice that your daughter was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s-”
“W-we were playing on the lake and… and… and i-it’s not my fault!”
“What isn’t your fault?”
“The ice cracked! I tried to pull her out but she kept moving!”.
Your heart sunk, your breath caught in your throat. Fjerda was always freezing, and who knew how long Erik had waited before he finally came to get both of you.
It was one of those moments where you mentally blacked out, only fully gaining consciousness when all three of you were approaching the lake. Your feet moved faster when you noticed the hole she undoubtedly fell in. Shouts telling you to slow down fell on deaf ears as you kept running. You approached the hole, hoping maybe she was close by, but she wasn’t. You kneeled, hoping being closer to the ice would help you spot her.
You heard shuffling and panting behind you. “I told Erik to get Matthias. Do you see her?”
“Do you see her in my arms?”, you snapped unintentionally, too preoccupied to care about how harsh that sounded.
You got back to your feet and overlapped your fingers over each other, making a triangle shape.
“Y/N anyone could see!”. You ignored her words and kept trying to feel for the familiar heartbeat.
You felt a heartbeat, but it did nothing to ease your worries when you realized how slow and faint it was. You followed it, the heartbeat leading a while away from the initial hole in the ice.
“Elise!”, you called when you saw the familiar hair color of your daughter and her bright colored jacket. Your back stayed to Elise, afraid if you took your eyes off your daughter that she would float away again.
The ice above her cracked before it erupted, it being moved with ease. You silently said a prayer to any higher power that was listening, and thanked them for giving you a tidemaker as a friend.
You dropped down, pulled the young girl up and laid her on the ice. Your hands went over her heart, once again ignoring the protests coming from the woman behind you. It wasn’t her child dying. It was yours.
“Come on… come on…”, you mumbled.
You kept muttering encouraging words under your breath, as if all she needed was a good push. You kept telling her to wake up, only letting yourself let out a breath of relief when her eyes opened and she coughed up water. You pulled her up and patted her back, your own heartbeat still not slowing down. You slipped off her jacket and replaced it with your own, your own arms now freezing, but your own freezing body was the least of your concerns.
You heard more footsteps and looked up, seeing Matthias approaching. He kneeled down, scooping her in his arms and sighing, “Let’s get her inside and get her warm. She’s freezing”.
~~~
Your heartbeat only slowed down when you laid your daughter down to sleep. You watched over her for a while, monitoring her heartbeat. You didn’t know what Matthias was doing. He started acting strange once you got home. Maybe it was shock. You couldn’t tell him how to process the near death experience of his only child.
You left your daughter’s room and made your way to your own bedroom, but your eyebrows furrowed when you noticed Matthias was nowhere to be seen. You checked the bathroom, living room and kitchen, but Matthias wasn’t there. You stepped outside, finally seeing Matthias outside standing, eyes up to the sky.
You made your way to his side, “how long have you been out here?”. Matthias didn’t respond. You looked up at the stars like he was, “were you speaking to Djel?”.
He nodded. “I was asking for guidance and forgiveness”.
You frowned. Forgiveness for what? For not predicting what happened today? Who could have? It was an accident. A terrible accident, but an accident. You weren’t even angry at Erik or Elise.
“Today was not your fault Matthias. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness”.
Matthias once again didn’t respond. Instead, he walked back into the house. You followed him, calling his name, but getting nothing in return. You grabbed his arm, noticing when he flinched and took a deep breath.
“I know you’re scared because of what happened today. I am too, but don’t push me away. Talk to me-”
“Stop”, he said firmly. He turned to face you, and for the first time ever, he didn’t look at you with softness and love or patience and caring. His eyes were harsh, his eyes now reminding you of a storm instead of the calm sea. “How’d you find her? That’s not the hole she fell in”.
“No one knows where she fell. We weren’t there”.
“Erik was, and he said you weren’t where D/N fell. So, how’d you find her?”.
“I looked around”, you half lied. You had been looking around… just with a little help. “I saw her hair and jacket”.
“Why was there another hole?”
“It was already there”, you lied once again but Matthias didn’t look convinced. “Why… Why are you asking me this?”, you asked. You tried your best to remain calm, hoping he hadn’t seen anything, and if he did you were hoping you could lie your way out of it. You couldn’t let your nightmares come true.
“You’re lying”.
“I’m not”.
“I saw you! I saw your hands over her!”. You unintentionally backed away when his voice rose. He didn’t seem as soft and caring as he usually was. You tried to think quickly.
“I-I was giving her CPR. There was water in her lungs, I wasn’t just gonna wait for a doctor-”
“I saw Elise break and move the ice without touching it! I saw you with your hands over D/N! Why are you still lying to me?!”.
You went silent. You couldn’t think of a lie out of this. You tried, you really did, but how could you explain that?
“You’re a liar”.
“Matthias”
“It all makes sense. What’s been happening recently. Ships wrecked, sudden bad waves, Drusje escaping, Druskelle being disoriented”, he took a pause, his eyes never getting softer “it was you two. And that’s why you kept telling me to stop being a Druskelle”.
“I…”, you thought for a moment, trying to find a good response. “I wanted to tell you but I didn’t wanna lose you-”, Matthias turned away but you kept talking, your words coming out rushed “I love and care for you so much and Matthias, Grisha are not bad people, despite what you’ve been taught”.
“Is D/N a witch?”
“Grisha are not witches and I don’t know. I didn’t think to test her yet”. Silence filled the room before Matthias spoke up again,
“But she could be”
You moved to be in front of him, “she’s still our daughter-”
“She’s your daughter”.
You froze. All of a sudden the girl he cared for since she was a newborn, the girl he told bedtime stories to and let sleep next to him when she had a nightmare, was no longer his daughter?
“Don’t do this. She’s still your daughter. I’m still your wife!”, you pleaded. Your hands raised to cup his face but he backed away. You looked into his eyes, trying to read what he was feeling. It didn’t work. He had become a hard wall, unwilling to budge. “I love you and you love me”.
“None of this was real. This was your witchcraft. You made me fall in love with you!”
“You know that’s not true!”, you almost yelled. “Everything between us is real! I married you because I love you! I had your child because I love you! I didn’t make you fall in love with me, that’s not even how my power works!”
“You’re a witch who can boil blood and stop a pulse! Who knows what else you can do?!”
“I would NEVER do that to you or anyone else even if I could!”. You stepped closer to him, but once again he stepped back. “You can’t possibly be that afraid of me”
“I’m not afraid of witches”
“You hate me”. You waited for Matthias to deny it. For him to pull you into a hug and say he’d hear you out, but neither came. You sighed, how could all of this change in a matter of hours? “You wanna hate me, but you don’t and you know you don’t”.
Matthias looked away from you. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then opened his eyes again. He didn’t look back at you though. “I have to report you and Elise”.
You shook your head, “no you don’t!”. Your hands gripped his arms, sorrow and agony behind your words, “Matthias please!”.
Matthias looked down at you, “I’ll wait until half bell. After that, we’ll be looking for all of you”.
All of you.
You, Elise, Erik, your daughter.
When Matthias hadn’t budged, you ran to your daughter’s room. You quickly got her dressed and threw a coat over her tiny frame. She kept asking questions and rubbing her eyes, but you couldn’t spare any time to answer them.
What really broke your heart though, is when she saw Matthias. She slipped from your grasp and made her way to him, “where are we going?”. Matthias picked her up and held her, and her arms and legs wrapped around him. Her head falling in the crook of his neck. You had hoped that maybe he changed his mind, but you guessed picking her up and comforting her was like a reflex, because once he seemed to realize what he was doing, he put her down and stepped away from her.
You picked her up, ignoring her confused murmurs and spared Matthias one last glance before you left. You ran over to Elise’s house, telling her of the news. Like you, she had to wake up her child, and dress him quickly. You two knew you couldn’t go to the boat harbor, so you started on foot to the Ravkan border, the cold air freezing the tears on your face.
A/N: my bad if there's mistakes, I'm sick and this screen is hurting my eyes. Also in the books at least, they use bells instead of like, "6pm" but anyway-. I don't know if I wanna make a part 2 or leave this as a stand alone. Stay tuned to see if this sickness takes me out.
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar#matthias helvar oneshot#shadow and bone#shadow and bone oneshot#shadow and bone imagine#matthias helvar imagine#six of crows#grishaverse#shadow and bone x reader
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🐺matthias helvar masterlist🐺
key: ❤︎︎ - fluff, ☁︎︎ - angst, ★ - smut
obvious ❤︎︎
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar fanfiction#matthias helvar fanfic#matthias helvar fic#matthias helvar
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Shadow and Bone/Six of Crows: Imagine Matthias Helvar saving you from drowning.
requested by anon
You not knowing to swim and being part of the Dregs were two things that could get destructive together. You knew that when you joined. So in a way, you deserved the situation you were in now - Ketterdam took out the weak, and now you had pulled the short straw.
Requests are open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S)
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar#matthias helvar imagine#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar x you#six of crows x reader#six of crows#grishaverse x reader#grishaverse#reader insert
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Matthias Helvar Masterlist
Fluff ✨
Angst 🌙
Hurt/comfort 💫
• So it goes 🌙 ✨
Summary: when a job goes awry, and Matthias’ mistake gets Y/N injured, hidden feelings come to the surface resulting in a sweet confession.
#six of crows x reader#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar#matthias helvar x y/n#Matthias Helvar x you
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And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 2 - Labyrinth
It only feels this raw right now
Lost in the labyrinth of my mind
Break up, break free, break through, break down
You would break your back to make me break a smile
You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back
Just like that
Uh oh, I'm falling in love
Oh no, I'm falling in love again
Oh, I'm falling in love
I thought the plane was going down
How'd you turn it right around
Summary: Nikolai Lantsov and you attend an extravagant and gorgeous ball. Nikolai falls for you harder head over heels but will you face the labyrinth of new feelings that begin to emerge?
Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)
Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, awesome friendships, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, jealousy and slight violence.
A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first Nikolai Lantsov fic so I was very surprised and grateful for the love, support and kindness you all showered upon me! Thank you very much! Here is the Part 2 to this work and I hope you all like it. I don’t think it ends here, there’s a bit more to go but I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because it means a lot to me! I love you all! Happy reading!
Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her
Chapter 3 - Call it what you want
Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay
Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street
You looked at yourself in the gilded mirrors in the hallway of the palace, hearing the melodious notes of the orchestral grand music and the lively chatter of nobles behind the door you were about to enter. You looked at yourself inspecting Genya’s, Zoya’s and Nina’s work on you. You looked ethereal and dreamy, a princess out of a fairytale and yet the girls had not diminished the fierceness of spirit and your heart that kept on fighting for the ones you loved. You fidgeted with your beautiful dress grumbling but secretly feeling thrilled and happy to be wearing such a spectacular and dazzling dress that made you feel on top of the world.
A snarky voice behind her said “Stop fidgeting with your dress!”
You nearly punched this person reflexively but Zoya was quick to catch your punch and gently lower your arm as she stood behind you with Genya and Nina who were the sparkling epitome of beauty. You were certain that Zoya, Genya and Nina were going to be the belles of the ball, the envy of every single princess in the party and admired by every single nobleman.
They entered the ballroom as you felt apprehensive and nervous because - because what? You had been to many high society galas and balls as an undercover spy on missions for Kaz during your stay in Ketterdam. But this ball was different. This was a party where you had no purpose of enticing intel or being the distraction. The only purpose of this ball for you was to have fun and enjoy yourself which was a foreign concept to you.
And also Nikolai, the King of Ravka, your friend would be here.
Genya noticed your nervousness straightaway as she placed her arm around you comfortingly “You look magnificent, Y/N! Don’t be nervous, we’ll be keeping you company!”
“It’s true, you do look divine. Y/N, look at you all grown up and beautiful and going off to sweep the King of Ravka off his feet!” teased Nina playfully with a grin as Zoya tried to hide an amused smile but failed miserably as a wide smile curved on her face.
You glared at the three girls who burst into laughter who seem to have fun teasing you about Nikolai’s infatuation with you as you rolled your eyes and Zoya joined in the fun “Nikolai likes you very much. He won’t know what hit him when he sees you, Y/N. He’s already like a lost puppy who follows you around.”
Genya eyed Zoya who slightly nodded with a smirk as Genya replied hopefully “Well, perhaps tonight you could get to know him a little better. You might even find yourself secretly interested him.”
You had to control yourself from strangling Genya in the middle of the ballroom because you and Nikolai were never going to happen as you replied sarcastically “I cannot think of any cleverer way to say this but... no!”
The girls laughed and Genya winked subtly at Zoya who added her fuel to the fire as she said “Well, Nikolai won’t have time for you. He’ll be too busy with important business.”
You generally wouldn’t have inquired but something in the way Zoya pronounced and implied that Nikolai would be busy with important business aroused your curiosity as you inquired “What do you mean?”
“He is the King of Ravka and he needs to find himself a suitable queen to secure Ravka. Tonight’s ball is about finding the perfect queen for Ravka among all the eligible girls here.” replied Zoya steely and firmly as she looked at Nikolai who was busy talking to ambassadors and then glanced at you who wore a thoughtful and quiet expression. “I suppose this is happy news to you. After all, he won’t be bothering you for long.”
It certainly was not a ball to find an eligible queen for Nikolai. Zoya and Genya had a bet with Nina about whether or not you would get together with Nikolai and Genya and Zoya who liked you and knew no one could resist Nikolai for long had bet that you would have feelings for Nikolai before you leave Ravka and get together later on. Zoya and Genya who didn’t want to lose the bet had found an excuse to host a ball on some Saint’s festival and both of them organized this ball of romance and beauty like a military campaign. Zoya and Genya had their fingers crossed as they observed you and Nikolai. If they were lucky, they would win the bet and tonight would be the night you would perhaps feel something more for Nikolai.
You felt a strange sense of odd hurt and slight pain sting you at the thought of Nikolai marrying another girl. You felt quiet bitterness and an aching hollow numb feeling ringing through you as you thought of the charming golden boy who was too good for this world, who smiled too brightly hiding his vulnerabilities and insecurities giving everything for a thankless country marrying a beautiful princess. You knew that you didn’t like him, you loved Kaz. You knew Nikolai had to do his duty and marry a princess for Ravka. But as you sipped your champagne, you didn’t feel easy at the thought of it and you felt horrible for feeling this way because you didn’t love Nikolai in a romantic way.
Then why did you want to set something on fire?
At that very moment, a Lord who you didn’t know interrupted your thoughts as he asked you to dance and you looked at Zoya and Genya who had vanished and Nina who was at the table munching on cakes with a laugh at your torture. You glared at those traitors wherever they were and you refused to dance with him.
You made your way to the food table where Nina was indulging in the cakes as you glared at her “Traitor! I was in danger and you left me!”
“Lord Kirigan just asked you to dance.” said Zoya appearing out of nowhere with a grin. “It’s no big deal. It’s not torture in a locked dungeon.”
You punched her in the arm as she smirked and you smirked back “Well, I refused and suggested that he should ask you. And, he seemed to agree greatly to that idea.”
You smirked in amusement as Zoya grew slightly pale as she saw Kirigan approach her with an enthusiastic wide lovestruck smile and you grinned at Zoya with a teasing twinkle in your eyes “It’s no big deal, Zoya. It’s not torture in a locked dungeon.”
“Saints! If he asks, I have left the country with no plans of coming back!” exclaimed Zoya who glared at you fiercely as she disappeared quickly through the crowd avoiding Kirigan’s advances while Nina and you laughed in amusement.
Both of you stopped laughing when Kirigan inquired after Zoya and Nina decided to have mercy on Zoya as she drawled sweetly “Zoya died eighteen years ago. I haven’t seen her since the funeral.”
After getting rid of Kirigan, you and Nina enjoyed the champagne and the delightful food while gossiping in amusement and mingling with the crowd. It was different from your missions where you always had to be alert and ready for trouble beneath your charming demeanor. You began to enjoy the party as you were introduced to new people who you liked and chatted charmingly
But you felt Nikolai’s gaze burning into you the moment you had entered. From the moment you had entered to every step you took, you could feel his intense and heated gaze following you with such burning desire that you refused to meet his eyes for the fear of drowning in them. It was such a beautiful and foreign sensation, to have someone so conscious of every little thing you did and adore and worship it. You knew that it couldn’t be possible. After all tonight was about finding the perfect queen for Nikolai and you weren’t simply interested in him and unsuitable for such a position. You were glad for Nikolai but something didn’t feel right within you.
But your thoughts were still of Kaz Brekker even though Nina had bought you here to forget him. The distance between both of you only made it worse for you as you thought of whether Kaz missed you as much as you missed him and wondered whether he thought of you like you thought of him whenever you saw everything that called out his name to you. This heartbreak felt eternal as it killed you over and over again and sometimes you found yourself looking over to tell Kaz something enthusiastically but realized that he was no longer there, no longer part of your life.
It felt cruel to suffer like this. Only love could hurt like this. And you never wanted to feel like this again. You wanted this distance to knock some sense into Kaz and make him realize that you were the one he loved. But it had been weeks and there was no word from him. No letters from him. You hadn’t expected Kaz to turn up at Ravka and make a grand romantic gesture but you would be lying if you hadn’t expected at least a letter inquiring about you. You felt burning pain and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes at the thought of the Bastard of Barrel who still managed to haunt you and ruin your happiness even in his absence.
You were chatting with your new friend Princess Ameera who was kind and nice as you both chewed on the sweet cupcakes when suddenly you were interrupted by a gentleman you asked you “Miss Y/L/N, will you do me the honor of dancing with me?”
You looked around for Ameera who had conveniently ducked behind a potted plant and you looked at the gentleman who certainly did not match up to Nikolai’s aristocratic charm and handsomeness.
And hell, why in the name of Saints were you suddenly thinking of him?
“No.” you replied bluntly and you were certain the potted plant laughed out loud.
The gentleman looked offended as he turned red and marched away. You were glad because now maybe your horrible behavior toward the gentleman would spread and you wouldn’t be asked to dance by men who didn’t know how to dance.
Ameera emerged, her face red in laughter “You are splendid!”
Ameera and you laughed but your joy was short lived when a line of military officers and noble gentlemen queued to ask your hand for a dance but you brutally turned them down. You had anticipated this as one of the outcomes but it frustrated you that these men who thought themselves as intelligent didn’t understand the meaning of no. One after another you refused to dance with them simply because you didn’t feel like they would be a good dancer.
Now you were turning down a Colonel who had thought you were an interesting woman who could be won for a dance as he made conversation with you “I must admit, Miss Y/L/N, I have admired you from afar for some time. You caught my eye the very first moment I saw you.”
For the love of all the Saints, did this man have nothing original in his pocket. You rolled your eyes not noticing Nikolai look at you in observant amusement as you retorted “Why on earth would I catch your eye? Your eyeballs look in perfect place to me. I’m not in habit of catching eyes, let me assure that. I’m more of a catching decapitated heads lady.”
You took pleasure in seeing the life drain out of his face in fear but he tried a different tactic “May I have the -”
You immediately replied wanting to get this over with “No, you may not dance with me. Why don’t you go find another partner who actually wants to dance with you? Goodbye.”
You heaved a sigh of gratitude and Ameera who had been witnessing this grinned “I wish I could refuse men the way you do. It is a wonder to witness.”
Your eyes involuntarily skipped toward Nikolai who was surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful princesses and pretty ladies as he flashed his charming smile and said something that made them laugh. You felt something quite fierce and protective in your heart at the sight as you bit fiercely into your macaroon.
Ameera smiled knowingly as she eyed you glaring at Nikolai who was popular among the ladies as she queried politely “You admire King Nikolai Lantsov?”
“No!” you denied immediately and fiercely, shocked at the very thought as you swallowed your food and smiled tightly thinking of Nikolai surrounded by all those beautiful princesses and yet the fact he hadn’t paid a single ounce of attention to you stung you “We are friends.”
“I hear he is a good man and a great king with wise plans for change.” replied Ameera conversationally.
“Well, if you want to dance with him, you will have to wait. There is quite a long line of admirers.” you replied sarcastically and snarkily as you bit into your macaroon again glaring at a princess who touched Nikolai’s shoulder flirtily with a coy smile to which he responded with a charming grin.
“Yes, you are right. I must not lose my chance. It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Y/N Y/LN.” said Ameera sincerely as she nodded at you kindly and sweetly and left to meet Nikolai.
You watched Princess Ameera approach Nikolai and you saw her pointing toward you with a kind smile saying to Nikolai that you had suggested she should dance with him and Nikolai raised his eyebrows at you and you immediately looked away stuffing your mouth with two macaroons.
As you occupied yourself with observing people and eavesdropping shamelessly at their scandalous conversations and eating the amazing sweets, you found your thoughts wandering toward Kaz Brekker, wishing that he was here with you. Their last mission had been a grand party like this where they had played the role of a married couple, where Kaz had been absolutely devoted and loving toward you with burning desire and affection in his eyes only for you as it all felt beautiful and too good to be true. Then the clock had struck midnight and the fairytale had ended with Kaz Brekker breaking your heart cruelly, tearing you apart with his cold words that made you realize you were a fool for him while he had been enjoying playing the game to achieve his goals.
Your hand flew toward the simple silver necklace that had a gold ring hanging from it. The ring was stunning and simple with a charm of the silhouette of a Crow engraved on it and the letter R carved into it. It was the ring he had gifted to you with an involuntary soft smile for your mission as a fake couple because he wanted you to keep and wear it. He had placed the ring on your finger with a soft glint in his eyes as he smoothed your palm with his hand and briefly and softly kissed the your hand. It had been intimate and affectionate, exactly like a real proposal between two lovers who wanted to spend a lifetime with each other. This ring was special to you because it gave you hope that you were his and he wanted it that way.
It felt all too much for you, you were suffocating and you couldn’t breathe as you rushed out of the ballroom to find fresh air and peace as tears sprung into your eyes and your heart ached cruelly tearing you into pieces. You didn’t know where you were, all you knew was you were sitting on the floor as you heaved heavy breaths trying to calm yourself down.
You heard someone sit next to you and Zoya’s calm and collected voice echoed toward you “Hello you.”
You didn’t reply engulfed in your sorrow and heartbreak and Zoya who had seen you run away out of the ballroom wanted to check up on you. Zoya had seen Nikolai who had been in the middle of negotiations with an ambassador look at you in concern and desperation as he tried to excuse himself to check up on you but the ambassador seemed steadfast on keeping a grip on the King of Ravka.
Zoya wanted to know why you looked so pale as she said offering a bottle of brandy “Why did you leave the party?”
You took a gulp of brandy and then a deep breath as you replied in a voice trembling with grief and hurt “It reminded me of.... a person. This enigmatic person who I let get into my head. Trust me, he doesn’t leave.”
Zoya knew who exactly you were talking about as she looked over at you because she had experience with enigmatic people and the aftermath of dealing with the grief of losing them and how they let you down so easily as she queried, taking the bottle of brandy from you “This enigmatic person of yours... is your what exactly?”
You were taken aback by the question as you pondered over it and replied quietly “He’s... he’s not my anything.”
“Oh, you mean you are just friends.” replied Zoya easily in understanding as she nursed the comforting thought of throwing Kaz Brekker into a canal the next time she met him as she drank the brandy.
“Yes, we’re just friends.” you said quickly, too quickly for it to be true as the lie felt bitter on your tongue. You took the bottle of brandy to your lips and the memories of Kaz Brekker, his little soft smile reserved for you until he had become cold and cruel breaking your heart into a million pieces flashed through your mind as you breathed in “Not even friends... not anymore. He’s not the man I thought he was and I hate that.”
“Oh, he was wrong, cruel, mean, underhanded, thoughtless, heartless and arrogant beyond belief.” summed Zoya understanding exactly how you felt because when she had heard of the Darkling’s atrocious act, she had been shaken in pain and disbelief because that was not the man who she had known and cared for. Zoya remembered questioning why the Darkling had become that way and how she could have fallen for his act. “He betrayed you and everything you stood for.”
“Exactly!” you stated looking at Zoya who was drinking the brandy who had summed up your feelings about Kaz Brekker excellently.
Zoya looked at you with a determined glint in her eyes “So are you saying goodbye and ending it? Why are you crying over him instead of enjoying the party in there?”
“I came to Ravka to distance myself from him. I can’t just say goodbye and end everything on a slammed door.” you replied seriously, your eyes widened as a hollow and numb pit began to form at the idea of just leaving Kaz Brekker without a word. The thought of leaving Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel even if he was the boy who broke your heart, was incredibly strange and daunting. You could never think of leaving him because... because who would you be without him? Kaz Brekker for all his faults and flaws was the person who had seen your set of skills and given you purpose in life.
“Yes you can! Anyone can do it! People do it all the time.” exclaimed Zoya honestly and sharply as she watched you drink thoughtfully and nudged you as she raised her eyebrows knowingly “Except of course... when they can’t.”
“Life would be so much simpler if we liked the right people. The people we are supposed to like.” said Zoya contemplatively and quietly thinking of her past with the Darkling as you lay your head on her shoulder glad to have a strong soul who understood you. You felt your breath quicken at Zoya’s words as you thought of Nikolai and Kaz, how vastly different they were and your eyes grew misty “But I suppose then, there wouldn’t be fairytales.”
Fairytales. What a nice and simple word for a fantasy that didn’t exist. In Ketterdam, there was no room for fairytales and yet you were a believer in happily ever after and dreamed of having your own fairytale once you met Kaz Brekker. That was your mistake. You should never have dreamed. You should have never believed that you were someone who deserved to find happiness and true love. Those were purely reserved for good heroes who triumphed in stories.
You replied curtly “I grew up out of fairytales.”
“So did I. I suppose we have something more in common.” said Zoya smiling fondly at you and then got up as she held out her hand to you with a sisterly expression “This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?”
“My person’s a bit different.” you replied with a knowing smile as you thought of Kaz who was dark and mysterious, full of secrets and schemes.
Zoya grinned as she flung an arm around you “Come on, dry your eyes. Don’t waste a second thinking about him. That’s what he wants, to ruin everything you have but don’t give him the satisfaction of letting him get in the way of enjoying your life.”
“And maybe one day... you can end it on a slammed door and trade him for kind and charming.” advised Zoya with a motherly smile as she leaned her head against yours comfortingly raising the bottle of brandy to your good health making you giggle a little.
“Alright then, my plan for tonight is to get fucked up beyond recognition!” you replied merrily as you took the bottle of the brandy and took a gulp from it while Zoya grinned in approval and cheered for you.
Both of you made it to the ballroom laughing and talking when Kirigan cornered Zoya who looked like she was ready for battle and you pitied the poor fellow. Zoya was slowly becoming like a sister to you and you admired her fierce and strong composure. But as Zoya battled Kirigan fiercely in his attempts to woo her, your eyes flicked toward a few gentlemen who were near you and near the hearing range of Nikolai.
You grew curious as you edged a little closer to them with a wine glass in your hand and you heard one of the gentleman, his voice full of glee and juicy gossip as he exclaimed “You haven’t heard?”
Heard what? Spill the tea, good fellow because your ears were open.
Your instincts as a spy were activated as you kept your ears open while you smiled encouragingly at Kirigan who was chatting Zoya who looked like she was battling an army of volcra and you observed the company. It was the Duke Romanov, a few prominent Lords you recognized and a wealthy merchant.
You pretended to be clueless but really you were sipping on your glass of wine as you listened to their chatter as Duke Romanov said in a drawn out voice that aroused curiosity “King Nikolai is the finest king we have ever had the good fortune to have! I do have a shocking piece of information I need to share regarding him but I cannot do so because I cannot taint my reputation by becoming known as a gossip.”
You rolled your eyes because honestly when men said women were the gossips, it amused you. Men were worse than women when it came to gossiping.
You could practically see Lord Radimov salivating as he said “Yes. You have something of importance, Duke?”
You carefully stepped toward them hiding among the crowd as another girl who had eyes out for an eligible suitor, unnoticeable and invisible to them curious to hear what Duke Romanov who was famous for being a gossip with plenty of juicy stories and wicked rumors to share. You had heard that he had argument with Nikolai regarding one of Nikolai’s reforms of integrating Grisha and non - Grisha for unity because the Duke believed taxing the poor and building useless infrastructure was a better reform.
“I cannot say, my dear gentlemen.” said Duke Romanov grandly to the company “It is merely a rumor and I would never dream of slandering our great King’s character.”
You were amazed at people’s ability to lie so casually and carelessly as you listened to the present company reassure him “We will not tell anyone.”
Lord Devington nodded solemnly “You know us, Duke. We are not men who spread untruths. We would never dream of it.”
It was really amazing as you hid an amused grin at these gentlemen being scandalous gossips waiting impatiently for the Duke to spill whatever scandalous story he was withholding about Nikolai. You wondered whether it was about his wild youth or days in the army. Whatever it was, it seemed shocking to the Duke who you had classified information on. You had information on nearly everyone in the court. You were a spy first and foremost and your instincts sought for information you could use and indulge in. You couldn’t turn it off just because you were on holiday.
Duke Romanov gave in with a dramatic sigh as he said in a sincere voice that you almost believed “Well alright, but only if you promise not to repeat a word of it.”
Lord Justinbury repeated “We promise. Does it have something to do with his days before he became King?”
Now your ears were wide open as you felt curiosity as you breathed in while the Duke smiled indulgently and said nastily in a low voice you could hear after years of practice as a spy “That’s exactly it, Lord Justinbury. The shocking part is... that before he became king, he prided himself on being a pirate among scumbags and thieves. Called himself Sturmhond.”
Oh dear! He actually cared about getting out of the bubble of royalty and mixing with commoners! How scandalous!
You grinned involuntarily as you thought of the tales of Sturmhond you had heard and your grin grew wider at the thought of Nikolai pretending to be a privateer in the seas as he worked among common folk and thugs. Well, well, how very naughty of Nikolai, breaking all the traditions of the upperclass Ravka. This just made you like him more.
One gentleman exclaimed “Heavens! The fact that our King has degraded himself so -”
“Rubbing shoulders with terrifying thieves and common folk! That’s hardly a behavior suitable for a King!” exclaimed one of the other Lords while you held back screeches of amused laughter at how dramatic these men were.
Duke Romanov was not done with his story yet as he added with glee “And he has worked for a living sailing all around the world and making friends with thieves in an awful place in Kerch!”
“Oh my - dear Duke Romanov, you don’t mean to tell me our beloved King has mingled with low scumbags - from what’s that terrible, awful, terrifying place of hell -”
“Ketterdam.” another gentleman supplied helpfully.
Yeah, sounded about right. If there was a hell on earth with every evil, terrible, awful thing that the Pandora’s box unleashed, it was Ketterdam itself ruled by the Bastard of the Barrel who was worse than the devil.
“They do not have a proper system of governance like us, do they?” asked another gentleman scandalized at the very thought of no king ruling Ketterdam.
You suppressed a snort of laughter as you replied in your head sarcastically “Worse. They have Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands. If you ever visit Ketterdam, make certain to get on his bad side and he will welcome you warmly.”
Duke Romanov was enjoying the effect his story had on his friends as he whispered conspiratorially in a shocked voice “That’s not even the shocking part!”
Lord Seisthorne replied wide eyed “My dear Duke, what could be more shocking than your revelations this evening?”
Oh you thought that was a bold question for Lord Seisthorne to ask considering the juicy information who were holding in your head regarding him.
Lord Justinbury queried innocently “Does it have something to do with how quickly he inherited the throne?”
“That’s exactly the most shocking part. Isn’t it suspicious how after a long time he suddenly took interest in the throne and worked very hard for it?” asked Duke Romanov delightfully as he exclaimed with a grin “I have heard from a reliable source our King is a Fjerdan born bastard who has no right to sit on the throne!”
You froze in shock. It was apparent Nikolai had heard it and you weren’t the only one who froze in shock. Zoya and Kirigan who were arguing had also stopped in shock as they looked over at Nikolai protectively and loyally and glared daggers at the gossiping Duke.
You had heard whispers but you didn’t want to believe it unless it came from Nikolai. And as you looked over at Nikolai, it was absolutely clear to you that he had heard it. Nikolai looked charming and undisturbed as he sipped on his drink and yet as you looked closer you saw his shoulders stiffen tensely, his happy hazel eyes flicker with pain and betrayal and his charming smile unnoticeably slightly waver at the corners of his mouth.
It was as if he was used to it.
Oh hell no. Hell no! No way you were allowing this gossiping Duke to strip your Prince of his arrogance and pride. Yes, you thought of Nikolai as ridiculous, proud and charming but that was his armor. No one had the right to strip away his armor, take away his pride and hurt him. You would not let anyone do that.
Alright, so now the fun was going to start.
Before anyone could stop you, you had marched to Duke Romanov with a charming smile “Duke Romanov! It’s time for our dance!”
Duke Romanov who had not been introduced to you looked at you skeptically “Do we know each other, Miss...”
“Oh believe me, you have not had that pleasure yet. But I believe we can change that for the dance floor calls!” you exclaimed with a delighted smile plastered on your face as you took his hand with a wink and he let himself guide you to the dance floor confused yet fine with what was happening.
The dance began as the confused Duke guided you across the dance floor and he looked at you in confusion but his confusion melted away to awe when you flashed your sweet smile at him unaware that Nikolai was gripping his wine glass very tightly burning a hole into the Duke’s head as you said pleasantly “Duke Romanov, I understand you are not happy with King Nikolai Lantsov.”
“Who are you?” asked the Duke, his smile fading slightly.
“None of your business.” you said with a charming and sassy smile as you pressed yourself closer to him and felt satisfied when the Duke groaned in pain as you pressed a butter knife you had picked from the table. You smiled brightly as you raised your eyebrows and pressed the knife into his torso “Keep smiling brightly and dancing.”
“Just so we are clear, this is pressed into your brachial artery. Keep smiling, sweetheart.” you crooned sweetly and charmingly with a delightful smile on your face as you danced with him unaware that Nikolai was curiously looking at you who looked far too happy to be dancing with a pompous Duke who seemed like he was trying his best to smile.
“Once you start to bleed, you will start to lose consciousness and then you will die soon unless someone comes to aid.” you said calmly and politely smiling widely at the Duke pressing the knife harder making him groan in absolute pain “Now given your recent magnificent behavior at this party... how likely do you think that anyone is going to rescue you?”
The Duke’s eyes bulged out of his head in shock as he looked at you with absolute pain and you felt pleasure at him suffering at your hands while you danced with him to the music.
“To prevent this entirely blessed and wonderful incident from happening, I recommend you should keep your mouth shut about any distasteful rumors regarding King Nikolai Lantsov from now on and take back what you have said to your noble friends.” you said politely and sweetly but your eyes were steely and cool with the promise of danger if he did not agree with your demands “From now on, I’m keeping my eye on you and calling the shots. Don’t ever mock and threaten the King again. Got it?”
“Got it. Really got it.” groaned the Duke who was suffering true pain at your hands, regretting every word that he had uttered.
“Good. Oh and one more thing. I suspect you want our King dethroned so I’ll be watching your every move. One wrong move, one wrong relationship and the King will be the least of your problems. Don’t smile at this because I am not joking. I have friends who will be glad to take out your eyeballs and hang you down a bridge subjecting you torture if you don’t do as I command.” you whispered softly but it was poison and danger, a promise of death if Duke Romanov didn’t comply as he realized you were serious and he grew frightened of you “If you want your reputation to be untarnished and live a long life, swear and pledge your loyalty only to King Nikolai Lantsov and agree to each and every one of his reforms and commands.”
“Do we have an agreement?” you queried with a kind and sweet smile that only an innocent angel would wear as you pressed the knife deeply into his torso.
“Yeah! I promise on my mother’s grave!” exclaimed Duke Romanov who was now growing pale and starting to look slightly dizzy.
“Wonderful. The deal is the deal. Oh, and I suggest you confess what you said to the King privately right now and apologize to him unless you are looking for a much painful punishment from me.” you replied with a gracious and angelic smile pressing the knife harder and deeper into the torso as the Duke moaned in suffering and agony.
“Spectacular. Thanks for the dance, darling. We should do it again sometime.” you said charmingly with a laugh, your eyes glinting with dark and malicious intentions as you kissed the Duke’s cheek and took your knife away hiding it from sight letting the Duke breath as he wore a horrified and terrified expression at the thought of meeting you again.
You grinned as you sashayed away from the Duke who was gulping in air and you raised an eyebrow at him. He immediately almost ran toward Nikolai clutching his stomach as he said something to Nikolai who looked confused but granted him a private audience as they went to another room. You followed them discreetly and pressed your ear to the door as you listened to the Duke confessed what he had done and apologize profusely to Nikolai who responded with icy silence and then granted forgiveness in a cold charming manner that had a veiled threat in it as the two men started to talk politics and negotiations. You slipped away quietly back to the party with a satisfied and happy grin on your face because this party was not quite bad because it had been fun.
Kaz would have been proud of you. Your smile slightly faltered at the thought of him and your happiness seemed a bit dull.
Before you could dwell on Kaz, you saw Nikolai striding toward the ballroom with a staggering Duke who looked terrified when you shot him a cold glare. Your eyes were on Nikolai, his golden hair like an angelic halo and his hazel eyes warm and bright like a fire, looking every inch of the King he was meant to be. You didn’t care whether he was a bastard. He cared about people and about his country. That was enough for you.
You saw slight exhaustion creep into Nikolai’s eyes at seeing a gang of ladies approach him as he seemed to force a charming smile. You didn’t know what came over you but the next thing you knew, you had marched toward Nikolai and dragged him away from those vultures who wanted him all to themselves.
Nikolai was completely surprised “What on -”
One of the ladies simpered in displeasure “Hey, we were just going to talk to -
“Your Highness, you have impeccable timing, I was just looking for you! We do not have time for flirtations, there’s an urgent situation requires your attention.” you exclaimed with a bright smile as you took his hand and dragged him through the ballroom “Follow my lead.”
Nikolai replied playfully with a bright grin “With pleasure. I love the view.”
You rolled your eyes at him not seeing Zoya and Genya throw each other gleeful looks while you took Nikolai out to the gardens and let go of his hand as he queried curiously “What is the urgent situation? Has your favorite plant died?”
You rolled your eyes at him amusing him “I thought you might need rescuing since you seemed to be tired from being charming.”
“You think I’m charming?”
“Really? That’s all you hear?”
Nikolai grinned widely as he stepped toward you with a sincere and teasing glint in his hazel eyes as he murmured “Just admit you wanted to be with me alone for tonight.”
You felt something erupt in your heart as your cheeks blossomed with warmth “You are the most - most ridiculous, proud, thick - headed prat I’ve ever met!”
“You’re not denying it.” replied Nikolai playfully enjoying riling you up because your fierce scowl and fiery spark in your eyes enchanted him.
“Fine. I deny that I wanted to be alone with you.” you snapped in exasperation as you felt something bitter sting you as you averted your eyes away from Nikolai “Go, shoo! Go away and be with the beautiful princesses who would make perfect queen for Ravka!”
Nikolai smiled slightly as he realized that perhaps you were jealous but he thought it best not to bring it up as he replied gently “But they mean nothing to me because I have eyes only for the most divine goddess who is standing in front of me.”
You blushed as you felt Nikolai stare at you intensely with burning desire and reverence. Nikolai had been waiting for you to enter the party and when you had arrived, he was struck breathless and enchanted by you. You were always beautiful and lovely but tonight you were a magical goddess who had stepped out of his dreams who drove him crazy. Nikolai had wanted to go talk to you immediately and dance with you all night but the business of protecting Ravka and keeping its interests afloat came first as he made conversation with ambassadors, diplomats, noblemen and ladies charming them and ensuring their loyalty to Ravka.
Nikolai could not stop staring at you all night because you had bewitched his heart as he stared at you smiling brightly dressed in an off the shoulder rosy pink floaty and soft ball gown with long sleeves embroidered with glittering magical and colorful flowers. Your hair was braided sweetly with lovely waves of it curling down your shoulder, pretty pink and white flowers and purple butterflies tucked into it. You were the most beautiful, divine, magical creature Nikolai’s eyes had ever seen and if he had to define beauty, it was the very sight of you that made his heart soar in joy and gladness.
All Nikolai wanted to do was to dance with you but he was crowded with people who wanted to talk to him and he observed you had a long line of admirers who you refused sharply amusing Nikolai at the sight of brave officers and noblemen being turned down by you and the rumors of you being a conceited little madam. He knew you weren’t conceited, you were just waiting for the right partner.
And Duke Romanov... that had been bizarre. At first he had been completely jealous that you had made the first move and asked Duke Romanov of all people to dance with you but as the dance progressed, he noticed the odd relationship between the both of you. Later, after the dance, the Duke had been gasping for breath as he nursed slight wound on his torso that Nikolai pretended to ignore as he apologized to Nikolai and swore his loyalty to him.
Nikolai suspected that you had something to do with the sudden change of heart Duke Romanov had.
“I had a strange conversation with the Duke Romanov.” began Nikolai nonchalantly and casually as he looked at you and observed a slight amused flicker in your eyes but you kept a deadpanned expression excellently.
“Oh?”
“He apologized for disagreeing with all my reforms and believed that I was the King Ravka needed and deserved. So many flattering and kind things said and I wonder what made him change his heart about me.” said Nikolai casually as he kept a watchful eye on you seeing your lips slightly twitch but you wore a casual and deadpanned expression as if you had never heard of the Duke Romanov before.
“Ah, well. Maybe the Duke had a change of heart.” you said cheerfully with a careless grin surprising Nikolai at how well you were hiding it.
“It’s the strangest thing that a Duke who has disliked me for a long time suddenly had a change of heart after the dance with you.” stated Nikolai calmly determined to coax the truth out of you. “I could have sworn he was holding his stomach with great pain.”
You paused for a moment and then looked at Nikolai innocently “Perhaps he had a stomach ache? Maybe he had too many lemon pies? Eating too many lemon pies always give me a stomach ache -”
“So you didn’t threaten him?” retorted Nikolai exasperated and amused by your lively chatter.
“How dare you accuse a lady of such scandalous acts, Your Majesty! You are disgrace!” you exclaimed dramatically as you placed your hand on your chest and fanned yourself with another hand pretending to almost faint making Nikolai laugh in amusement. “I am just an innocent lady who does not even know the dark ways of the world.”
“I’d be tempted to believe you if you weren’t part of the most feared gang in Ketterdam... the Crows.” retorted Nikolai with an easygoing grin as his eyes twinkled in joy.
You decided to drop the act and put your hands up in surrender as you drawled carelessly turning from damsel to a survivor “Fine. I may have danced with him and... offered him a deal that was too good to resist.”
Nikolai raised his eyebrows at you and you rolled your eyes “The deal was he gets to shut his mouth about you and I get to keep my knife away from his major arteries.”
Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock at the thought of you actually threatening Duke Romanov for protecting Nikolai as his eyes widened in amazement “Why did you do that?”
“I was bored at this party and I wanted to have some fun.” you replied carelessly and nonchalantly as you looked away from Nikolai who felt disappointed and hurt as he looked away from you because how could he ever think he could be special to you?
“And because... because you’re my friend and I don’t want to see you hurt.” you whispered softly and gently with a kind and shy look in your eyes after a long moment of silence as you gazed at him earnestly, a warm protective feeling blooming in your heart.
Nikolai’s eyes widened in wonder and surprise because he was shocked that you cared so much him to do such a dangerous and chivalrous deed to protect his honor and reputation as he suddenly felt breathless and warmth spread across his cheeks as he replied after a long moment “I... you... thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me but...”
Nikolai was speechless trying to find the right words to articulate how he truly felt about you in that moment but words failed him as you smiled softly at him “I know you don’t have to answer to me... but is it true?”
Nikolai halted, his breath hitching because he had thought you heard the rumors surrounding him and believed them. He had not expected you to gently ask about him greatest shame that he hid, waiting for him to tell you the truth from his own lips instead of believing the liars and clowns making noise.
It was hard to confide this vulnerable insecurity that had defined so much of himself in his life to you who he adored and worshiped. Because you were so wonderful and kind and deserved someone so much better than a bastard who hid his truth and worked so hard to be loved by wearing different masks.
And yet, as he stood feeling your calming and gentle presence in this moonlit garden, he felt exposed and vulnerable, shy and terrified to let his guard down to the one person who might understand him.
But the world has lied to you enough... you deserved the truth.
“Yes. It’s the truth.” the words slipped softly, in a semblance of a whisper as he looked away from you feeling shame and insecurities as he heard Vasily laughing, Nikolai Nothing. “Born a bastard by a Fjerdan sailor and a Ravkan queen who was neglected by her husband in wedlock. It’s who I am, Y/N.”
His voice cracked, broken and hurt seeping through it as he felt the words he left unspoken vibrate in the air “It’s who I have always been no matter how good of a show I put up.”
“Now you know that I am not who I am... you are free to decide what you should do.” said Nikolai quietly, his voice solemn but a hint of pain and hurt seeped through it as he squared his shoulders just like a soldier bravely would before stepping into a battle of bullets.
The silence seemed to stretch for a long moment and Nikolai realized that you must have left him. Of course, that was the wisest course of action. Nikolai felt his heart sink into a deep, cold, dark pool of self - loathing and heartbreak as he realized you hated and were disgusted by who he was. Who could blame you? Who would want an unlovable bastard, a nothing who pretended to be somebody to befriend and love?
But he was surprised when your arms wrapped around his waist hugging him tightly as you stood on your tiptoes behind him, your chin resting on his shoulders as he felt the curve of your lips tug into a small smile, your voice full of warmth, gentleness and reassurance “Don’t be silly, Nikolai. I’m not going anywhere.”
Nikolai felt time stop as he realized you were still here, still with him and had chosen the real and true him as a lump of emotion swelled in his throat as you said lightly “I happen to like you very much just the way you are, you ridiculous boy.”
Nikolai smiled involuntarily as he felt warm and loved without any strings attached as he closed his eyes and placed his hands on top of your hands that were wrapped around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug as he felt happiness erupt in his stomach “Y/N... you know this means, I’m not nobility. Not really.”
Nikolai knew he had to face you as he turned around to look at you. You were stunning, kindness and thoughtfulness etched on your face as you stared at him softly with an open heart. He couldn’t understand why you had not left him here all alone. Nikolai didn’t understand why you had seen the real him and still stayed with him, embracing him warmly with a light hearted and reassuring words that made him feel that nothing was going to change how you felt about him no matter his insecurities and truths that were revealed.
People always left. Why weren’t you leaving?
“Nobility is not defined by our family lines. It’s defined by our actions and how we honor others.” you said drawing yourself up straight in a poised and dignified manner as you looked at Nikolai in gentle reassurance and quiet understanding and your lips quirked into a smile “You are silly and ridiculous... but out of every aristocrat and royalty and nobility I have seen... you have proved to me that you are the true definition of nobility because you earned the title, the throne and crown by your actions and caring for people... not by a royal title you took for granted.”
Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he stared at you in wonder and amazement, his heart thudding loudly as he realized that you didn’t care about his birth status quo and you believed that he was worthy of being called noble as his eyes filled with gratitude “Coming from you, that is high praise.”
You smiled softly at Nikolai as your eyes twinkled in kindness as you replied sincerely and earnestly as you took a deep breath “You are ridiculous, condescending, absolutely annoying, insufferable and -”
Nikolai raised his eyebrows “Excuse me, I thought we were having a moment?”
“All I know is for your many faults, you are honest, courageous, strong, true and kind - hearted and you are on your way to becoming the greatest king Ravka has ever known.” you stated quietly with a solemn and contemplative expression with belief glimmering in your eyes that surprised Nikolai who was stunned and speechless “I don’t care whether you are a bastard or a noble. It doesn’t matter who we are born as. What matters is who we decide to be. And you have chosen to be a king who wants to make Ravka a safer and better country.”
Nikolai who felt the air knocked out of his lungs at the sincerity and belief in your eyes felt speechless until he managed to retort “I didn’t know you believed in me so much.”
“Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself.” you replied with a good natured grin, your eyes twinkling in amusement and honesty.
Nikolai let out a huff of laughter as he felt your hand brush against his gently and he felt electrified and excited, the butterflies coming alive. He wanted to take your hand in his but he felt terrified.
He had never felt this way with anyone. Why on earth was he nervous to take your hand?
Saints, was he sweating?
“Get it together, Lantsov,” he commanded himself sternly “You’ve faced Fjerdan bullets and pirates and death and the Darkling. This is nothing compared to that.”
You looked over at him with those pretty eyes and he instantly knew that everything he had faced was nothing compared to you.
“I suppose it’s hard to believe that there are people who believe and accept me for who I am. I’ve grown up with servants whispering rumors in front of me about my birth... my father who never cared about me because he knew who I was and my brother who taunted and laughed at me because I was not his blood.” said Nikolai taking in a deep breath, trying to articulate everything he felt as he found himself confiding his deepest secret in you easily, suddenly finding that it was easier for him to breathe “ I never belonged anywhere. Maybe that’s why I ran away and became Sturmhound, the dashing privateer. I wanted to find somewhere I belonged.”
Your expression was one of pure curiosity “Had any luck?”
“I’m not sure yet.” replied Nikolai quietly and softly as he stared at you hopefully, his eyes filled with adoration and aching longing for you and you felt yourself blushing as you realized what he meant. Nikolai smiled slightly as he sighed “All I know is... court is not where I belong. They all smile and pretend to love me but they all know the truth and gossip about it. It... I pretend it doesn’t hurt but it aches sometimes and that’s why I do everything to make up for it.”
There was a long moment of silence and Nikolai felt as if he was the drowning man who had suddenly been pulled to shore by you. He had confided his status in Alina who had comforted him with sweet words. But he saw you furrowing your eyebrows thoughtfully with a small smile you wore when you thought of something deep and smart.
“You’re spending your entire life trying to make people happy. It’s good to care about others but not at the expense of yourself. Don’t try to make up for it or apologize for who you are to those who gossip about you. Be a king... be a leader and tell everyone what you need them to do. Show them who you are... the bastard who earned the right to become the King of Ravka.” you said passionately and truthfully to Nikolai who was taken aback your sharp wit and wise insight that was not comforting but truthful and inspiring to him.
“You know... there are times, when you display a sort of... I don’t know what to call it.” said Nikolai with a strange and thoughtful expression and then looked at you with a small soft smile “But it is... I’d say you display a strange sense of wisdom laced with sharp truth.”
You blushed as you looked away feeling admired and good enough as you smiled shaking your head and he looked at you with a bright twinkle in his eyes, his spirit renewed “I suppose then... being a bastard isn’t that bad because it has earned a point in my favor from you.”
You laughed as you looked at him and breathed with a shy and sincere smile “By the way, I like you when you’re like this. When you are just being yourself without reservation, without trying to please anyone.”
Nikolai felt warmth and happiness burst in his heart as he blushed “It’s too easy to be myself when I’m with you.”
You blushed as you looked at him admiringly and affectionately, full of amazement and protectiveness for the boy who had grown up with demons in his head and yet chosen to be kind and courageous. You felt terrible and admired Nikolai for growing up in a palace where he felt he did not belong, struggled to define himself outside the rumors and earn the love of his family and people when it should have been given unconditionally to him.
You thought of a lonely boy who craved for acceptance and love, running away to fight in the front lines facing danger and death and becoming a privateer to find a semblance of a family could have at some point decided life was cruel and become a monster who was filled with bitterness and anger. And yet, Nikolai had faced the world with a bright smile and maintained a kind heart and a courageous soul to fight for the good of the world.
You thought of Kaz who was completely different to Nikolai, Kaz who was full of vengeance and cruelty but his heart was still in the right place to people he cared about. You wondered whether Kaz could have chosen to be kind or whether he chose to become the Bastard of the Barrel to survive in this world and define himself by vengeance. But it was useless to ponder on such questions. It was what Kaz had needed to do to survive in the Barrel, right? If he hadn’t become the biggest and baddest of them all, he would have surely died.
But yet looking at Nikolai, flickers of doubt started to tug at you. Could someone be full of hurt and pain and fight their way to the top while maintaining a semblance of kindness? What if Kaz had chosen to be a little kinder and softer, would he have loved you?
There you were thinking of the Bastard of the Barrel again.
And why on earth were you thinking of Nikolai again?
Your hand had unconsciously flown to your necklace as you were thinking of Kaz when Nikolai inquired curiously interrupting your thoughts “What’s that?”
You realized you were stroking the ring Kaz had given you and blushed a beetroot red in embarrassment as you stuttered “It’s - it’s - um - it’s my engagement ring. Saints! I mean - uh fake engagement ring Kaz gave me when he pretended to be my husband.”
“I see.” said Nikolai quietly feeling his heart break at the mention of you still wearing something Kaz Brekker had given you. It felt as if Kaz Brekker found a way to remind Nikolai that you were not Nikolai’s but Kaz Brekker’s girl. “May I see it?”
You nodded after a flicker of hesitation as you let Nikolai step closer toward you, his fingers lightly brushing against the skin of your neck electrifying you as he grasped the ring gently and examined it curiously and after a moment replied sassily “It’s nice. Not the ring I would have chosen for you. May I ask as to why you are still wearing it?”
“It’s difficult to explain.” you said biting your lip with a troubled look in your eyes as you looked into Nikolai’s quiet and gentle eyes that waited patiently for you. “The truth is... I don’t really know why I’m still wearing this ring after everything.”
“I know it’s over with Kaz Brekker and I know he will never love me. I know it was a fake engagement that I was stupid to believe was real. But for some reason... I keep holding onto this ring he gave me because... it’s special to me.” you said softly and thoughtfully as you thought of Kaz whose lips pulled into an unnoticeable soft smile when he looked at you and whose eyes glinted in amusement and affection whenever you made a joke.
You looked at the silhouette of the crow as you traced the R engraved on the ring, blinking back tears with a heavy heart “It’s like - like I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready... I’m scared to take it off because I don’t know what will happen to me if I do. Because deep down, I know if I take if off, it will mean that I’m saying goodbye to everything I shared with Kaz Brekker. It’ll mean that all the memories, the good and bad times, everything we shared was all wrong and fake.”
“I’m just trying to hold onto the memories... I’m trying to hold onto him for as long as possible with the desperate hope that he see me one day.” you whispered, smiling amidst the pain and hurt you had tried to drink away tonight but resurfaced when you thought of Kaz.
You took a deep breath as you stayed silent with Nikolai who looked at you feeling pain and hurt strike his heart at how much you loved Kaz and wondered whether there was a chance you could ever love him back as he said after a long moment “Y/N... I know you love Kaz Brekker and that bastard is incredibly lucky to be loved by you... but Y/N, are you really going to wait your whole life in tears and pain for him to see him while he ruins every moment of your life that you could be living the way you want to? Y/N, you’re trying everything to prove to him that you love him but he has only made you end in tears and heartbreak.”
It was the truth you didn’t want to hear as you glared at him but he remained unaffected and steady, offering you the truth instead of sweet lies.
“You are an amazing person. You care about his feelings more than yours. But you’re not holding onto him... you’re holding onto the pain because that’s all you have left. You deserve to let go and think about what you want and put yourself first. You deserve to be free and happy.” said Nikolai earnestly and honestly as he looked at you sincerely as your gaze softened with sadness and surprise because you had not thought of it “I hope one day... you’ll find yourself brave enough to let him go instead of clinging to a bastard who treats you poorly and breaks your heart. I hope one day... you’ll let yourself breathe and live for yourself.”
You were speechless as you realized Nikolai had spoken the truth that reached into the depths of your saddened soul that suddenly felt quietly inspired and Nikolai smiled gently “Until that day... I’ll be standing by you every step of the way.”
You were speechless as you stared at him in wonder and quiet surprise because it felt so strange to have a person care for you so deeply that he would tell you the real truth in a way that inspired, motivated, understood and comforted you. You didn’t know if you could ever let go of Kaz Brekker, let go of this overwhelming heartbreak and sadness you felt and wondered whether there would ever be a day where it would happen.
“You’re right. But it feels impossible. Because he still has a hold on me. He always will.” you said weakly, your voice wavering in exhaustion and pain as you looked at Nikolai whose face was etched with concern. “He is more than the boy who broke my heart. He is the boy who saved me. And I know there is something in him worth saving too.”
“At the expense of your own happiness and good health?” queried Nikolai softly and gently, his heart clenching in hurt for you. “Saving him while you drown in despair and pain?”
You froze feeling angry and hurt, stung by Nikolai’s words because he had always been kind to you. You liked Nikolai because he was always full of kindness, comfort and goodness. He was never harsh and unkind. Now Nikolai was spitting the cruel truth to your face unflinchingly, remaining unaffected and steady as he took a dig at your deepest pain.
It felt as if he was patronizing you, believing that you would always be the girl who would drown in despair and hurt out of your love for Kaz Brekker. It felt like he was almost laughing at your deep love for Kaz Brekker and thought of you as a foolish, silly girl for clinging onto Kaz and not letting go. It was as if he thought he would be the one to save you from the grave you had dug for yourself while hiding his amusement at how deep you had fallen into your grave.
It felt hurtful. It felt patronizing. It felt condescending.
Most of all you just felt angry that it was Nikolai who was trying to help you when it should be Kaz Brekker who should be there for you. You wanted to yell in pain because there was so much pain searing in your heart. You wanted to kick and stab someone in your anger. You wanted to lash out at Kaz Brekker for making you this girl who was on your knees, weak with love for him. But Kaz Brekker wasn’t here and you lashed out at the only person who was here for you.
“Don’t you speak to me again, you condescending, patronizing prat! You know what, I shouldn’t have told you anything thinking you’d understand!” you snapped angrily burning with rage that you wanted to unleash on Kaz Brekker but you shoved Nikolai instead hiding the tears in your eyes “Don’t - don’t ever come near me again!”
You blinked back the harsh tears that threatened to fall down your cheeks as you ran away wanting to be alone. You didn’t even know where you were going as you ran through the graveled paths, deeper and deeper into the gardens, feeling humiliated and heartbroken. You cursed the Bastard of the Barrel who had broken your heart and kept on hurting you over and over again.
You breathed in the beauty of the night frozen in time right where it was left but before you could take a better look, oncoming footsteps drew your attention immediately. The air grew cold with fear and anticipation as you stiffened preparing yourself. The footsteps came closer to you but you were ready to take down the intruder who threatened your peace and probably life as you turned around and landed a punch on the intruder who groaned in pain, kicking him in the crotch as he doubled down in pain and wasted no time as you efficiently got him in a headlock, one of the knives you had drawn from under your dress glinting in the moonlight as you pressed it lightly on his throat.
“Don’t beg for mercy. I have none.” you whispered dangerously and quietly “Who are you and who sent you?”
“It’s Nikolai Lantsov, the King of your heart! Saints, you are so murderous... do it more.” whispered Nikolai huskily with a flirty smirk under your grip as he breathed, his heart beating rapidly.
You couldn’t believe your ears as you realized the mop of blonde hair and the smooth and flirty voice belonged to no one except Nikolai “WHAT? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
“I came here to see if you were okay but obviously that’s not important anymore.” groaned Nikolai under your grip because you still had not released him out of shock as he let out a gladdened and lovestruck sigh “Could you choke me tighter? I’m loving where I’m right now.”
You released him blushing at the sexual innuendos he was implying as you glared at him fiercely while he brushed his coat regally as he coughed, slightly red in the face and you snapped at him in exasperation “OI! I told you to stay away from me!”
Nikolai looked quite calm for a man who had just been punched, kicked and nearly strangled to death as he replied rubbing his reddened cheek and nose with a cheeky smile “I didn’t listen.”
You raised your eyebrows at him knowingly in exasperation “You do that quite a lot.”
“That’s why you like me.” retorted Nikolai with a cheeky and bright grin, his hazel eyes twinkling in knowing and amusement.
“Who says I like you?” you retorted in annoyance and irritation but for some unfathomable reason, warmth flared on your cheeks as your stomach flipped.
Nikolai only responded with a wink and a good humored grin that made you feel shy and conscious of yourself as you looked away from him. You were still angry but not at him. You had been irrational and cruel to the very person who was trying to help you because you had been too busy drowning in the depressing thoughts of Kaz Brekker, the boy who broke your heart.
“I’m sorry.” you blurted out quickly because guilt nagged at your mind and heart at lashing out at Nikolai who had looked hurt at your words. “I’m so sorry. You weren’t patronizing or condescending, you were trying to help and - and I was angry at Kaz but I took it out on you. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I want you to know that I’m so sorry.”
Nikolai wore an inscrutable expression that scared you because you didn’t know what he was thinking. Nikolai stepped toward you and looked deeply into your eyes. In a moment, his expression softened into one of forgiveness and gentleness as he smiled softly and kindly as he caressed your cheek tenderly “You are always forgiven, beloved. I’m only glad that you felt safe enough to take it out on me.”
“I don’t deserve a friend like you.” you said, your voice cracking in heavy emotion of disbelief and shock as tears sprung into your eyes at feeling the depth of how much Nikolai cared for you, a person who didn’t deserve it.
“Y/N, I’m terribly sorry but I am exactly who you deserve.” replied Nikolai with a bright and tender smile understanding that you had acted out of grief and not out of malice
He wiped away your tears and pulled you in for a warm hug as he wished that you would see that what you deserved was standing right in front of you, holding you in his arms and after a long moment he said softly “I want to understand you. Why were you so angry when I suggested you should let go of Kaz Brekker?”
“Because - because for all his faults, Kaz Brekker is the reason who I am today. Kaz was the first person who believed I wasn’t weak. Kaz showed me that I’m a dangerous and powerful girl, a force to be reckoned with!” you exclaimed passionately as you looked at Nikolai, your heart beating with pain and reminiscence of Kaz teaching you how to survive in the Barrel and advising you when you fell down, believing in you when you were frustrated with yourself and looking at you with that rare approving and happy gleam in his eyes when you performed extraordinarily well.
Your voice cracked as you felt broken and wrong “Without him... who am I? I don’t know who I am without him. I’ll be nobody if he didn’t see me.”
Nikolai was shocked because that was not what he expected out of you but as he looked at you, his heart pounded in pain and understanding for you as he said after a moment “When I became the King of Ravka, I believed I didn’t deserve my throne. Not truly. Because it wasn’t me who had extinguished the Fold and brought peace at last. It was the Sun Summoner, Sankta Alina who everyone believed in me that achieved the goal. I thought I was nothing without her. I wouldn’t have made it that far without her.”
“That’s not true.” you said immediately because you knew it was wrong immediately “You are a great King. I’ve seen how you are as King. You care so much about people that you bled for them in the battlefield, you smile and give them hope for a better future and you’ll do anything to hold everything together to stop your kingdom falling apart. The people might have had faith in Alina but you’re the one who rallied them all together and gave them hope for a better future, a better Ravka with a King who would not repeat the failures of the past.”
Nikolai felt moved as his heart swelled with gratitude and surprise at being seen by you and felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as he replied after a moment “Well, you seem to be full of compliments for me today.”
“I don’t give compliments. I tell the truth.” you said with a scowl making Nikolai chuckle and you punched him in the arm playfully “Stop, you’re going to be so insufferable now!”
“Well according to you, I’m already insufferable and I’m never going to stop being insufferable with you!” exclaimed Nikolai with a teasing grin as he hugged you with a heart full warmth and happiness as you squealed at the sudden hug but welcomed it with a laugh.
You both laughed together and as the laughter subsided, Nikolai looked at you seriously “You think of me so highly, with so much of faith. You believe that I was equally important as Alina. Why don’t you believe the same about yourself? Why don’t you believe that despite Kaz Brekker, you have always been a strong girl who had a fire within you and kind heart? A girl who would find a way out of the darkness into the light?”
“I - I -” you stuttered in shock and disbelief as you racked your brains trying to find the answer but you were lost for words as you stared at Nikolai who was gazing at you in utmost faith and complete belief.
“The answer to your dilemma is the same as mine.” stated Nikolai gently and firmly after a few moments as he caressed your cheek gently and softly, his fingers tingling feeling sparks of joy at the contact “You are who you are in spite of Kaz Brekker. Kaz Brekker may have shown you what you can do but everything you did, all the challenges you faced, all the times you won and became stronger after each battle.... all those achievements are yours and yours only. You never needed Kaz Brekker to become great. It was him that needed you.”
You were speechless as your heart pounded loudly and your thoughts raced frantically as you tried to remember. You tried to remember who you were in Ketterdam before Kaz Brekker had entered your life. It was murky and the memories began to resurface in wisps but you remembered being untethered and free, unemployed by the Bastard of Barrel. You remembered you were a girl who had a deceivingly calm composure, a charming smile and an instinct to observe sharply and react at the right time.
"I remember." you murmured softly as you remembered how you would blend into the crowd and be a ghost, a different version you needed to be to deceive others in order for you to gain information and help people and the sharp perceptiveness and curiosity you possessed with the spirit of wanting to make a difference.
You remembered how you helped people with your skills, finding out where there missing children were, who their spouse was sleeping with, helping children in abused homes flee to a safe place, investigating deaths and disappearances as you found yourself tugging on threads of cruelty and corruption in the city, finding proof on people who were wrongfully convicted to be set free. You had done some good, reunited friends and family, saved lives and made people smile again as they owed you debts of gratitude before Kaz Brekker came to your life.
You weren't powerful but you were dangerous and strong in your own right.
Had you really forgotten that?
"I had forgotten who I was before him. Now I remember... little bits and pieces of it." you murmured in wonder and reminiscence as you looked at Nikolai feeling incredibly shocked and taken aback that he had helped you find a part of you that you had almost lost.
Nikolai smiled as he realized that you were slowly beginning to find yourself "It would be an honour to know who you were before Kaz Brekker...but you're not obliged to tell me."
"Perhaps one day... I'll tell you when I remember everything." you murmured softly, your eyes quietly and gratefully promising him.
“I shall count days until then.” said Nikolai earnestly with a lovely smile that made your heart skip a beat as you suddenly realized how utterly and completely beautiful he was. “That’s the beautiful thing about letting go... you get to create your new beginning and find a new dream.”
“A new dream...” you murmured, the very sensation of it feeling strange to you as you thought of the novel idea of letting go of Kaz and leaving Ketterdam to find something different and new, a dream of your own that you didn’t yet know. “That’s sounds lovely. What’s yours?”
“What?” queried Nikolai in alarm and surprise because he had been too busy staring at you lovestruck and lost in dreams of holding your hand in his and dancing with you.
“Your new dream. You told me once that you dream of a Ravka that will never fail its people. But you must have your own dream... a new dream?” you inquired curiously as you looked at Nikolai wanting to know everything about him because this boy who shouldered the burden of a nation with a heavy golden crown smiling brightly but had such vulnerability and kindness to him that you had not seen him display in public fascinated you.
You saw him smile hesitant and reluctant to reply as you nudged him “Come on! I can see you have your dreams. I won’t laugh, I promise.”
“I dream of you...” thought Nikolai longingly his lips tugging into a smile of affection and adoration as he gazed at you. But his heart beat rapidly, and he felt too scared to confess the overwhelming enormity of his affection for you because he could lose you forever.
And yet he wanted more than anything for you to know his dream that he hid from the rest of the world.
“I have a dream... an unfulfilled and new dream that I persist on dreaming it even thought it seems like it can never come true. I dream of a happy home, with laughter of children who are loved more than they know, friends who will always be there and... a wonderful wife with whom I am deeply in love with and share a blessed, happy and blissful relationship that will always stand through adversity” said Nikolai slowly and softly as he gazed at you, his hazel eyes burning with meaningful longing and aching hope that frightened and excited you as you inhaled a sharp breath “I dream about holding her hand and growing old together, dancing in the rain and spending our lifetime together full of adventures and love unburdened by meaningless things.”
You suddenly felt an aching in your heart as you felt the warmth and beauty of the vision that Nikolai had painted and you felt a sharp jab of pain that you didn’t understand at the thought of Nikolai living this beautiful dream with another girl as you replied softly and sincerely “That’s beautiful. I hope your dream does come true, Nikolai. I really hope you find someone that you will live your dream together.”
“I have found her. But I’m waiting for her to see me.” said Nikolai quietly and sincerely after a moment as he gazed at you intensely with worship and affection and your cheeks flooded into a warm red as you realized what he might be implying and you simply didn’t know how to feel about that “She’s smart, a fighter, loyal, and has this heart full of kindness and love. And she’s so enchanting. I feel like since she came to life, I have begun to hope and dream more than I ever did."
"But you know, she's rather rude, punches me in the nose, nearly stopped me from producing an heir and gets mad at me when I try to show her how I feel and completely in love with this guy who doesn't understand how awesome she is." said Nikolai honestly and sincerely, his heart pounding as he took a risk with his feelings and glanced at you who had frozen and yet was smiling in amusement, your eyes glinting in pain and worry "I wish she could just see me."
You were silent as the loudness of your heart mingled with the aftermath of his veiled confession hit you hard like a ton of bricks. You liked Nikolai. You really, really liked him. For all his flaws, he had become your rock and your safe place without you even realizing it from the moment you had met him. Nikolai was a good man and a friend who you cared for so much but you couldn't and didn't feel this way for him. You could never love Nikolai Lantsov the way he wanted you to love him.
But hopefully, he wasn’t talking about you. He was Nikolai Lantsov, the King of Ravka! He met many people on a daily basis! You weren’t special to him!
Yes, that could be it. It wasn’t you he was talking about. It was another girl whose name you didn’t want to know and face you never wanted to see.
“Well... she sounds completely awful. There’s a chance she’s going to break your heart and make you cry. You shouldn’t have hope. It’s dangerous and clouds your judgement.” you said sternly and quietly as you felt your own experience and memories surface “If she doesn’t see you, you should move on and find someone better. Don’t wait around for someone who won’t see you.”
“Maybe hope is dangerous and foolish. But whenever I’m with her, I know I’ll wait an entire lifetime for her to see me.” replied Nikolai softly with a gentle and yearning smile that made you feel hot and you tried to push away the thoughts that perhaps he was talking about you “She’s worth the wait.”
“Oh my Saints! You are absolutely lovestruck idiot! What if - she breaks your heart and falls in love with someone else? What if she doesn’t love you back and goes on with her life?” you exclaimed as you slapped Nikolai in his chest as you were exasperated and annoyed at him for liking this hypothetical princess so much to the point of giving up everything “Mark my words, I speak out of experience... you are setting up yourself for heartbreak with this princess of yours.”
“Consider your words marked, Oh Wise One. I love her so much that a part of me doesn’t care if she loves me back. Her happiness is way worth more than making her mine.” said Nikolai as he gazed at you lovingly tucking a strand of your hair behind your ears “All those princesses chasing me doesn’t mean a thing because there’s only her.”
“You really love her, don’t you?” you asked feeling self - conscious, praying to all the Saints that the girl wasn’t you.
Nikolai’s smile of longing, affection and sadness was enough to answer your question as you smiled quietly, feeling a slight stab of pain at the fact that it wasn’t you despite the gladness “Well... I just think this girl needs some time to see what’s really in front of her.”
Nikolai’s heart fluttered with dangerous hope as he saw you gazing at him sweetly and gently with an aching sad yet quiet longing and understanding as he felt breathless but you grinned up at him with a new idea in your mind.
“Oh!” you exclaimed in wonder and childlike awe making startling Nikolai who jumped back at your energy “Oh, I know! You’re Sturmhound, the pirate, right? Tell me everything! I’m dying to know all about it! Is it really true you have a flying ship?”
“Darling, I’m a privateer. That is an important distinction.” said Nikolai grinning at your enthusiasm as he regaled you “No, it’s not true about me having a flying ship.”
You looked so disappointed Nikolai wished he hadn’t said that as he corrected you with a proud smile “I have a fleet of flying ships.”
“Saints! Why did you become a privateer? Other than running away to find where you belong?” you questioned eagerly and curiously, hungry to know about his life as a privateer.
“Well, a prince is a songbird in a golden cage. A privateer has freedom to decide his own fate and find where he belongs. I loved my life at sea that gave me freedom but I always planned to come back to Ravka.” stated Nikolai with a sincere and quiet smile.
“Tell me about your adventures! What was your favorite one? I’m dying to know all about it! Have you really traveled all over the world? Is it really true that you deceived the Darkling and hunted the Sea Whip?” you questioned, your eyes bright with curiosity and wonder as you looked at Nikolai with enthusiasm.
Nikolai was one to boast of his adventures and yet he was uncertain as to where to begin with you but the questions you fired at him eased him into a direction of describing his adventures on sea where he sailed with his crew, fought pirates, explored different lands, got into trouble and had extraordinary adventures. You had different questions bubbling with eager curiosity that Nikolai was only too happy to answer as he felt content speaking about his time as Sturmhound that he cherished. In return, Nikolai was full of questions about your life and role in Ketterdam with the Crows and you provided colorful and vivid descriptions of stories of dark danger, near death experiences and amazing adventures and heists that you enjoyed being part of greatly with your friends who you loved. Both of you talked endlessly and comfortably with each other about your lives, full of curiosity and respect for each other, eager to learn from and understand each other.
You both had lost track of time as you talked and laughed with each other as you nudged him “I’ve always wanted to be a pirate. I’ve always thought being a pirate would be so fun! Not just a pirate but a captain of the most feared pirate ship! But it’s a silly dream.”
“As a privateer, I am deeply offended at your remark, my lady.” replied Nikolai pretending to be offended as he grinned easily “Why is it a silly dream?”
“Well, I’m not a pirate. I don’t know how to sail. I don’t have a ship. Pirates are not taken kindly by pompous privateers.” you retorted with a teasing grin as your eyes twinkled with good humor making Nikolai laugh in amusement “And I can’t leave Ketterdam.”
Nikolai knew that she truly meant that she couldn’t leave Kaz Brekker and looked at her with a smooth and sincere smile “I’ll teach you how to sail one day. We’ll go out on the ocean and have our great adventure. And one day, I have a feeling you’ll become an infamous pirate who everyone knows of. And don’t worry love, I hope you become a pirate because when you conquer the seas and try to attack me... I’ll be on my knees begging for you.”
You blushed bright red at what Nikolai implied as you found no proper sentence in your brain that had stopped functioning as you finally snapped to a grinning devilish Nikolai “Do you - stop doing that!”
“What? I like it when you blush.” replied Nikolai wearing an innocent expression but his eyes were twinkling with a devilish gleam. “You would look so amazing in a pirate’s outfit...”
You snorted in amusement as you shook your head at Nikolai “You have a set of strange kinks rooted in deep seated desires, don’t you?”
Nikolai’s eyes glimmered in amusement “I am more than happy to demonstrate my list of kinks to you.”
“No, thank you, please torture someone else.” you replied coolly as you shuddered while Nikolai threw his head back in laughter.
“Well, I could do that but it’s so fun to torture you.” replied Nikolai playfully as he blushed when you brushed against him, his skin setting on fire with desire and longing.
“Bold last words for a man who is about to lose his spleen.” you replied darkly as you glared at a laughing Nikolai trying your best to scowl but you found your lips twitching into a small smile.
Nikolai shot a challenging look to you “You don’t even know where my spleen is.”
“Don’t test me, prat. You’re tempting me to prove you wrong.” you said with a wicked grin as you stepped toward him with glimmers of danger sparkling in your eyes.
Nikolai stepped back as he placed his hands in surrender and fell to his knees “Oh Captain Y/L/N, please spare my spleen and my life! In exchange, I’ll give my heart to you!”
“You are absolutely ridiculous!” you exclaimed trying to hide your blushing face as you tossed your hair and started to walk away. “Absolutely mental!”
“You always walk away when we have an emotional moment, darling!” exclaimed Nikolai loudly and dramatically while you controlled your amused and delighted laughter as he ran toward you trying to catch up with you.
You shoved him lightly and playfully as you shook your head at him fondly as he said after a moment of silence “Do you think that’s your new dream? Being a pirate?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” you said softly as you were lost in thought “All I know is being a spy. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Good spies don’t let anyone they are spies.” said Nikolai cleverly as he looked at you.
You winked at him “The greatest one don’t need to hide themselves. It’s up to you to play the game with us.”
“You can never trust a spy. And a spy can never trust anyone. It must be a lonely existence to be detached from the rest of the world.” said Nikolai honestly and smartly as he looked at your serious and solemn expression.
“No. That’s where everyone gets it wrong.” you said with a clever smirk as you looked at Nikolai who raised his eyebrows in curiosity “The best spies have a trick... a trick that always helps them win in the end.”
“What is it?”
“Now if I told you, I wouldn’t be much of a spy, would I?”
The trick was to figure out who could be trusted in this world. Trust is a double edged sword. It could be used to your advantage when needed. You had learned that it is a lonely existence to live without trusting anyone because to live without trusting anyone meant to live without people who would back you up when you were in trouble. That’s what most people got wrong. They believed trusting no one protected them. Knowing who to trust and when to use that trust to your advantage, that’s what truly protected and empowered you.
“Can I trust you?” queried Nikolai curiously with a twinkle in his hazel eyes.
“If you like.” you answered vaguely with a playful smile as you looked over at him with an amused twinkle in your eyes.
Nikolai knew about you through what Nina had told him and he wanted to know more about you “Nina says you’re one of the best spies she’s ever known. Why do you like being a spy?”
“Well, you can always pull the grandest con, and perform dazzling magic tricks to steal what’s most precious to people... their secrets while flirting with life and death and being absolutely forgettable to the people who have the memory span of goldfish.” you said airily and calmly with a clever and witty smirk that amazed and enchanted Nikolai who could see your charm, beauty and cleverness played a part in making you a spy who could get away with anything.
“Is this a con?” asked Nikolai feeling slightly insecure because he believed that you wouldn’t lie to him but your nature as a spy and his position as a king put them both in an awkward position.
To his surprise, you weren’t mad and offended but grinned “Finally, you’re thinking like a real king would. You tell me... do I seem like someone who would trick you?”
“You seem like someone who enjoys tricking anyone as long as you are in charge of your own fate.” replied Nikolai lightly and perceptively, his hazel eyes burning with longing and admiration as he looked at you.
You looked at him in surprise as you nodded in agreement “You do know me.”
“You still didn’t answer my question. Is this... our relation - friendship real?” demanded Nikolai, his voice slightly wavering in insecurity and uncertainty even though he still held onto the belief you wouldn’t trick him but the ghosts of his past haunted him.
You realized this was important to Nikolai as you took a step toward him and placed your hands on his shoulders, your eyes intense and sincere as you whispered softly “You are... you, Nikolai Lantsov... is the only person who I don’t want to be dishonest with. You terrify me because you are the only person who makes me feel like a girl who is seen... not a spy who hides away wearing different masks.”
Nikolai couldn’t breathe, he was certain he was having a cardiac arrest. Maybe this was a dream... a really good dream that he didn’t want to wake up from. This couldn’t be real because there you were holding him as he inhaled the soft notes of your perfume that haunted him, as you looked at him earnestly and sincerely with complete vulnerability as you told him nothing but the truth. He couldn’t describe the relief and joy that flooded him as he heard those blessed words fall from your lips, glad that this was real... not a trick cruelly played on him.
“You’re beautiful.” whispered Nikolai breathlessly as he stared at you adoringly and reverently, because you were his Saint who he worshipped and believed in “You are absolutely divine.”
You felt your heart stop and your breath quicken at how intensely adoringly and affectionately Nikolai was gazing at you as if he had never seen anyone and anything as beautiful as you are as you felt self conscious and shy full of denial “Nikolai...”
“No, don’t you dare say that you are not beautiful. I only wish you could see what I see, Y/N.” whispered Nikolai huskily and softly as he reached to slowly caress your cheek, igniting shivers that ran down your spine as you held your breath “You are so enchanting that I feel you’re a Goddess in an impossible dream that the Saints have chosen to torment me, you dangerous girl.”
You couldn’t breathe or think but only felt Nikolai worship you with all consuming reverence and admiration, overwhelming adoration and affection that was only reserved for beautiful Goddesses and pretty princesses. You felt fragile and beautiful, precious and important as your eyes fluttered shut to feel and live in this moment that felt so wrong because Nikolai was your friend and yet, selfishly, you wanted something more from him.
You didn’t understand this feeling.
Your eyes fluttered open as you gazed at Nikolai with curiosity and shy nervousness as he stared at you as if there was nothing compared to you and he smiled, the sight of you making him weak “Y/N... I have something to show you... something that I want to share with you.”
Perhaps you should have refused because you loved Kaz but thoughts of Kaz Brekker eluded you in that moment as you stared at Nikolai, a shy boy who offered his hand nervously yet resolutely to you, waiting hopefully for you and you smiled widely as you took his hand in yours, your fingers intertwining perfectly and gently with his fingers that held onto your hand as if he couldn’t believe this was real.
Nikolai Lantsov thought he was going to faint and die of happiness when you took his hand with that enchanting smile. Oh Saints, he was going to die before he married you if you kept looking at him with that soft and kind look in your eyes, as he felt the warmth of your hand radiate in his.
You looked at Nikolai who looked calm and composed wearing a joyful smile but internally Nikolai Lantsov was screaming happily and jumping up and down in excitement.
In companionable silence, Nikolai led you toward a stone wall with lovely white roses curling on it as an old wooden door awaited you. Nikolai opened the old wooden door that creaked with welcome and chivalrously let you enter and stepped in closing the door as you looked around the garden.
You breathed in the divine beauty of the garden that was frozen in time right where it was left. There were pillars and walls covered with green and dark vines and creepers of purple, pink and pure white flowers. There was a bubbling fountain with an ancient statue of a pretty lady holding a puppy in her arms. There was a untamed and untended wilderness of bushes and trees full of vividly wild and colorful flowers beyond your imagination that took your breath away. As you tumbled through the rusty gates and grand arches, you saw a old table with fine china tea set and napkins that had been long used covered in leaves and wilted flower crowns lying on the table. You smiled when you spotted a simple and ethereal childish tree house lodged on top of a tree. There were ponds and fountains everywhere in this vast garden and as you made your way through a garden of brightly colored cherry blossoms, you saw two swings with pretty flowers curling around the rope as they faced the view of a beautiful shimmering lake.
It was absolutely breathtaking. It was as if Nikolai had realized you were losing faith in fairytales and helped you step into this magical, ancient, wild garden that was timeless and beautiful in it’s own way, haunted by memories and ghosts.
“It’s... it’s a fairytale!” you exclaimed in amazement and wonder as you looked at Nikolai who smiled widely and softly squeezing your hand gently “Nikolai... it’s magnificent!”
“This is my secret spot. It’s special to me. This is where I come when I want to be alone.” said Nikolai quietly and sincerely as he saw you look at him in surprise and wonder “You’re the second person I’ve been here alone with.”
“Not the direction where I thought this was going.” you said lightly with a chuckle feeling surprised and moved that he brought you to a place where he wanted to be alone and slightly jealous of the person who was here with Nikolai before you.
Nikolai laughed happily as he led you to the swing where you sat down feeling childish and playful and Nikolai sat on the swing next to you, with a reminiscent and bittersweet smile, his expression thoughtful and sincere as he looked over at you as you both giggled swinging like kids on the swings.
“This used to be my favorite place in the world... this was mother’s secret garden. She suffered neglect in her marriage and wasn’t always happy but this was where she was the happiest, I believe.” said Nikolai honestly and reminiscently as the words suddenly spilled out of his mouth, remembering his mother who he had been fond of but had to exile. Nikolai didn’t notice you stiffen in surprise at the shocking revelation as you realized that this place was sacred to him. “Where we were the happiest together. She was the first person who I arrived to in this garden.”
“No one had time for me but when my mother had time for me, she’d bring me here. She used to say it was our magic garden where nothing outside mattered at all in here.” said Nikolai with bittersweet reminiscence as he stared at the shimmering lake shining under the moonlight remembering how he had given his mother heart attacks when he jumped into the lake and swam.
“We had the best times in here. I remember we used to spend hours playing hide and seek, building the tree house, laughing on these swings and having tea parties. She called me her sobachka.” said Nikolai with a fond smile as he felt the good and warm memories engulf him like a tidal wave, his heart feeling the pang of bittersweet “After I... after I exiled her because of how she violated her duty... I haven’t been here since then. But it’s just how I remember it. The fountains, the trees, the flowers, the swings... like nothing has changed. Not true, of course. Everything has changed. If I could bring my mother here, she wouldn’t recognize most of it because I haven’t had anyone touch this place. She wouldn’t recognize me.”
“I know it won’t mean much but I am sorry.” you said softly after a long moment of stunned and speechless silence where you had been shocked and moved by Nikolai’s vulnerable and real revelations of his childhood he confided in you “It must be hard.”
“It was the right thing to do for Ravka. If Ravka is to change, it must start with me.” said Nikolai steadily and strongly, no hint of vulnerability and insecurity noticeable but you observed a hint of exhaustion hidden deeply in those wonderful hazel eyes.
“Well, that’s good for the King of Ravka. But... you are Nikolai, a man with a beating heart that feels deeply.” you said quietly and observantly, gentleness and understanding etched onto your face as you looked at Nikolai “You’re only human.”
“Well, sometimes the man does contemplate on his past and feels... feels human. Fragile and breakable and remembers too much and feels too much pain. Losing my mother who really knew me meant gaining Ravka. I just didn’t know it would be this lonely and painful.” replied Nikolai as he blinked back the tears that sprung into his eyes at how you could see through his act and smiled shakily “But I try not to dwell on the past but focus on the future with hope.”
You didn’t have any words for him because you were not certain that any amount of words could comfort him as you stayed silent patting his back gently as he brushed away his tears “I didn’t come here after the war. I didn’t want anything changed in this garden. I don’t know why.”
“Well, it’s because this garden is sacred to you. It’s full of memories with your mother who you loved and didn’t live up to your expectations. The only person who knew and accepted you at the time. You’re holding onto her the only way you can... you’re holding onto the pain and grief because that’s all you have left.” you said sincerely and softly after a long moment of silence as your hand rubbed his back gently, your eyes warm and understanding repeating Nikolai’s words to him.
Nikolai who was stunned at how you put his feelings into words properly found himself smiling brightly through his tears “I love it when you quote me.”
You both chuckled as silence reigned over you and you quietly reached over and slowly took his hand in yours surprising him. You held his hand in yours tenderly and gently, hoping he would understand that you were there for him as you smiled warmly at him, giving him hope and courage.
“This is the first time I’ve been here since exiling my mother... with you. I wanted - I’ve hidden this place for so long but I wanted to share it with you.” confessed Nikolai sincerely with a rosy blush as he stared at you adoringly and reverently with a warm smile “Sometimes the bitter past is sweeter when you share it with a very special person.”
You couldn’t stop smiling happily as you squeezed Nikolai’s hand tightly because this felt precious to you. This was Nikolai laying down his armor and letting down his guard with you as he shared something incredibly intimate and sacred to him with you. It felt as if Nikolai trusted you with his heart to show and tell you something so private and special and you felt honored. You promised yourself you wouldn’t break this trust that felt precious and beautiful. It was nice that he had shown who he was rather than who he pretended to be to everyone.
You were rendered speechless with emotion and Nikolai gazed at you with a warm smile “I want you to have this garden. This is yours as much as it is mine now.”
You began to protest because this was Nikolai’s sacred place and you couldn’t take something so precious to him when he shook his head and silenced you “Please. Don’t say anything. Just know that this garden is yours to enjoy now.”
You felt touched as your heart filled up with such emotion at how Nikolai easily made you feel important. It was as if he was gifting a piece of him to you hoping that you would cherish and protect it. As both of you sat in swings, swinging in silence occasionally talking and laughing with each other. Nikolai felt the air grow colder as the sky grew dark with storm clouds but he didn’t want this night to ever end. And he knew he would regret it for the rest of the life if he didn’t say these next words.
“Y/N... it would give me the greatest pleasure if you could do me the honor of - uh - um -” stuttered Nikolai nervous and shy as he gazed hopefully at your beautiful and kind face full of curiosity and anticipation, your eyes dancing with mischief and surprise as you looked at him make a fool of himself in front of you “Uh - that is to say - I want - I mean, will you do the honor of -”
Okay, this was going terribly and Nikolai wanted the earth to open and swallow him as he saw you raise your eyebrows at him. You probably thought he was having a stroke.
You looked at him softly in pleasant surprise and hope, your eyes full of light and warmth as you completed what he had begun “Dance with you?”
“Yes... that’s exactly it!” exclaimed Nikolai letting out a breath of relief feeling like a complete idiot in front of you because the corners of your lips twitched slightly but your eyes were full of fondness and surprise “Will you please dance with me?”
You grinned brightly as you nodded your head in agreement. Nikolai’s hands were shaking as he placed his hand gently on your waist. He had to force himself to stop screaming in joy when you held his hand and placed your other hand on his shoulder, as he felt breathless at how close both of you were. The light distant notes of the music in the ball echoed as both of you started to dance together.
You wanted to look away but there was something so magnetic and enticing about Nikolai, something that you hadn’t seen before. You had danced before as you remembered how you had attacked Nina who was a phenomenal dancer to teach you how to dance for your first mission. Nina had been surprised as to why you wanted to learn how to dance quickly but she had taught you well along with Jesper. You remembered how Nina would instruct you over and over again while Matthias encouraged you, Jesper and Inej teased you while Wylan played the piano as Kaz’ lips twitched in amusement at how spectacularly you were failing.
You had become quite a proficient and graceful dancer in time thanks to Nina’s and Jesper’s tutoring. For your missions you had danced many times at different galas and balls with countless partners who didn’t have any rhythm or pushed you around the dance floor instead of guiding you. You had never danced with someone that wanted to truly dance with you and cherish the moment. You had never experienced this thrilling, enchanting feeling of being wanted and safe in someone’s arms while spinning and twirling.
You didn’t understand why Nikolai was smiling at you so beautifully and why you felt so safe in his arms.
“What are you doing?” you asked Nikolai because you wanted him to undo whatever he was doing to you.
“Dancing with you, love.” said Nikolai with a bright grin that made your heart pound in excitement and thrill.
“Why aren’t you dancing with the rest of the princesses who are waiting for you?” you queried careful to keep any hint of jealousy or hurt you might have felt out of your voice.
“Because I only want to dance with you.” said Nikolai softly and gently with such sincerity and earnestness that you were rendered speechless and then his eyes twinkled in delight “Though I must admit, I am flattered you granted me this dance. I observed you breaking the hearts of every eligible gentlemen at the ball tonight by refusing to dance with them.”
You scowled making Nikolai grin in amusement as he spun you around as you said “They didn’t really want me. And besides, I didn’t want to dance with any of those men with terrible breath and egos larger than their dicks.”
Nikolai couldn’t stop laughing outright as tears of delight and happiness sprung into his eyes “You have such a unique way of saying things. A poet in your own right.”
You laughed as he drew you closer to you as you felt dizzy in a good way. His touch on your waist, his hand holding yours radiated comfort and warmth, a promise of safety that was never going to be broken. You didn’t feel as if you were guided by him, Nikolai was a good dancer who had perfect rhythm and didn’t push you around the floor. Dancing with Nikolai felt as if you were floating on air, your feet light and blissful as you craved for more, wanting to dance with him under the moonlight forever.
You both could hear the distant melody echoing from the palace ballroom as a singer’s voice crooned from a distance “No, I won't be afraid, no, I won't be afraid just as long as you stand, stand by me.”
You could feel your heart beat fast as you looked at Nikolai who held you like a promise as he looked at you with such staggering affection and sincerity twirling you around as he caught you in his arms with a gentle and loving smile as the singer crooned “So darlin', darlin', stand by me. Oh, stand by me Oh, stand Stand by me, stand by me.”
This moment felt intimate and quietly blissful. You looked at him and saw his face expressing nothing but steadfast promise to always be there for you no matter what. A lump of emotion formed in your throat and you knew in that moment that this ridiculous, beautiful, wonderful boy would always have you and nothing could ever change the fact that you would stand by him.
Nikolai felt blessed as a man to hold you in his arms and dance with you tonight as you smiled at him with that smile you smiled when you felt truly happy and content. He had never felt this way about anyone. Nikolai cherished this moment as you rested your head on his chest, swaying gently and Nikolai swore his heart beat skyrocketed at the fact that the woman he loved, who was incomparable and wonderful was in his arms resting his head on his chest.
You took in a deep breath as you looked at Nikolai shyly “I’ve never done this before.”
Nikolai was confused “Danced?”
“No. I mean, I’ve danced with plenty of men who think they are the greatest of all time. But I mean, I’ve always danced for missions, for the purpose of completing a task. I’ve never had the pleasure of enjoying and having fun at a dance... I’ve never danced with someone I like who likes me back.” you confessed feeling foolish and shy as you averted your gaze at the last moment, blushing at confiding your little secret to Nikolai.
“Then I shall endeavor to make this night unforgettable.” said Nikolai honestly and gladly, happy that this was the first time you were dancing properly for fun without any purpose and it was with him. You had chosen him. “May I ask what’s made you like me?”
You shot him an exasperated glare that made him smirk widely in amusement “Really? I can’t believe you. I might just step on your feet.”
“You wouldn’t do - OW, SAINTS MY FEEBLE FOOT!” exclaimed Nikolai who had begun teasing you but regretted it the very moment your high heel poked him in the foot very sharply “Alright, it’s a mercy all those men survived dancing with you.”
Nikolai regretted the words slipping out of his mouth because the moment he said that, your high heels stamped him with vengeance “OWW - FOR THE LOVE OF RAVKA - HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO STEP ON AND INCAPACITATE BOTH OF MY FEET, WOMAN?”
“I’m really enjoying this dance. It’s so fun!” you exclaimed with a wide grin amused and delighted at Nikolai’s dramatic reactions and you grinned brightly when he shot you a childish and petulant look.
“Oh yes, laugh at my pain. You sadistic she - devil, you enjoy others pain so much.” retorted Nikolai surly trying to be serious and petulant but you were laughing outrageously and his lips twitched happily “My poor, poor, feet.”
“You are a war hero and you cannot survive this dance?” you queried sweetly as you batted your eyelashes.
“You remind me of a cavalry horse who stepped on the feet of officers who he didn’t like.” said Nikolai as he nursed the pain in his foot and then realized the ungentlemanly tone of what he had said as he quickly scrambled “I beg your pardon Y/N, I didn’t mean to imply you were heavier than a cavalry horse -”
But you were laughing in amusement as you shook your head fondly at Nikolai. You felt really happy and alive and wondered how many moments in your life you felt this incandescently happy. You remembered the memories with the Crows where you felt the thrill of undertaking a new adventure, the moments shared with Kaz that you thought meant something but this moment with Nikolai felt very different and special to you than the rest of them.
The lightning flashed in the night sky and the drops of rain began to relentlessly fall down upon you. You couldn’t help but smile as you hugged Nikolai in happiness as you felt the raindrops soak you thoroughly but you didn’t care as you and Nikolai laughed and danced in the rain. Thunder grumbled and lightning flashed as the storm raged on but you both were perfectly happy as you ran through the gardens childishly and laughed happily and danced joyfully and happily in each other’s arms because there was nowhere else you both would rather be.
And late into the morning as both of you stumbled into the castle giggling and Nikolai walked you to the palace, his coat draped over you, you realized you hadn’t thought of Kaz Brekker at all when you were with Nikolai and most importantly, you didn’t now care as much as you did before. It felt strange and new as you looked at Nikolai rambling about a new invention of his and your lips tugged into a soft smile at how your cheeks were aching from smiling and your stomach hurt from laughing so much. You had missed being happy.
Perhaps every long lost dream and every time your heart broke was a northern star that had guided and led you to Nikolai Lantsov, the man who had a heart full of kindness and love.
You didn’t want to think about falling in love again, but you were glad to have a true friend who understood you in ways that no one ever did.
And when Nikolai saw you off at your chamber, you looked at him with a strange and quiet look in your eyes as you said “Thank you. For tonight. It was everything.”
Nikolai smiled enchantingly as his eyes twinkled with affection and longing for you “You are welcome. But I must thank you for making this ball the best night of my life.”
“Go inside and get warm. I don’t want you catching a cold.” said Nikolai fussing over you as he took his handkerchief and started to use it as a towel as he scrubbed your hair in worry trying to dry it while you snapped at him and freed yourself.
“Oh stop fussing!”
“Oh, pardon me if I didn’t want you to get sick!”
You laughed as you looked at Nikolai gratefully and warmly as you suddenly threw your arms around him and hugged him tightly because there was this very warm and happy, aching and loud emotions flooding into you as you whispered to a very surprised Nikolai who hugged you back “I think I finally believe in Saints.”
Nikolai held you protectively and caringly in his arms as he whispered huskily “Why?”
“Because they led me straight to you, Nikolai Lantsov.” you whispered softly and reverently, your voice full of emotion in a sacred prayer, a whispered secret uttered in a room.
Nikolai felt breathless and speechless as his brain stopped functioning for a moment as he processed what you meant as you buried your head on his shoulder for a moment because if you didn’t want to let him go at all and wanted to stay in his arms forever where it felt safe and right and real.
But you broke out of the embrace as you looked at a stunned and speechless Nikolai, his eyes shining with glimmer of joy and hope as you leaned up and pressed a soft and sweet kiss on his cheek, your lips lingering on his skin very briefly and then smiled “Good night, Nikolai. Sleep well.”
Nikolai stood outside your door frozen in shock because you had just proclaimed that you believed in Saints because of him and had kissed him on the cheek. His hand hovered over the spot where your lips had softly and briefly lingered, his cheek growing warm as he replayed that moment in his head over and over again. He was grinning widely like a fool, frozen in time and swore never to wash his face again because he didn’t want your kiss to be washed away. Everything was just perfect and beautiful and magical in the world because Nikolai had the most magical night with the woman he loved. And now, he dared to truly hope that you might have feelings for him too.
Nikolai wanted to scream from the rooftops. Nikolai wanted to dance joyfully. Nikolai wanted to run. But he felt it all as he stood frozen for a long time outside your door.
After a few moments, Zoya came marching through the corridors and fumes were coming out of her ears when she saw Nikolai soaked wet, standing frozen as she scolded him “YOUR MAJESTY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? You were completely missing, no note! You could have died! You could have - Nikolai? Nikolai? Saints, you’re not moving! Are you alright? What happened?”
Nikolai grinned loopily, looking like an insane lunatic “My dreams are coming true!”
Zoya raised her eyebrows at Nikolai wondering if he had slipped and knocked his head hard when she realized that he was standing in front of your chambers and Zoya had to resist the urge to gasp out loud in surprise as she replied calmly “Nikolai... what the -”
“She kissed my cheek, Zoya!” exclaimed Nikolai letting out a squeal of delight and Zoya shushed him immediately because she didn’t want him waking you up “Aaaargghh! I can’t believe it!”
Zoya dragged a lovestruck Nikolai who was over the moon away from your chambers as he mumbled and waxed poetic about how divine your eyes were but Zoya hid a smug smile as she muttered under her breath “I’m winning that bet, Nina.”
And Nikolai Lantsov who was absolutely enchanted by you would toss and turn restlessly in his bed until he sunk into a deep slumber bewitched by beautiful and sweet dreams of you.
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#six of crows#shadow and bone#six of crows x reader#six of crows x you#shadow and bone x reader#nikolai lantsov x reader#nikolai lantsov#nikolai lantsov x you#nikolai lantsov x yn#Kaz Brekker#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x y/n#kaz brekker x fem!reader#nina zenik#matthias helvar#wylan van eck#wylan van sunshine#jesper fahey#inej ghafa#zoya nazyanelsky#genya safin#david kostyk#tolya and tamar#alina starkov#alina x nikolai#soc#six of crows fic#kaz brekker fic#nikolai lantsov fic
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cinnamon girl ━━━ kaz brekker.
pairings: kaz brekker x fem!reader.
summary: everyone had their own dark history that formed them into a foreboding person, and kaz was no exception; he had his fair share of demons, but he was itching to discover about yours and why you loathe the feeling of touch as much as he did but seek solace from him.
warnings: mentions of abuse and brief spoilers of kaz's backstory.
author’s note: i know i said i won't repost my old fics but i'm currently in a writing block and can't post anything so have this plus i missed kaz. do not copy, post on another site, translate or claim any of my works as your own or you will be reported! nav.
Ketterdam is not a pleasant and welcoming city. In the filthy, morally repugnant, and dangerous place, battered and wounded individuals on the verge of death, criminals, thieves, and sinners were discovered. The city had corrupted the people with its savagery, where compassion and benevolence are seen as vulnerabilities, and it was irredeemable, tainting the citizens with the city's unrighteousness.
The Crows were no exception. They were also impacted by the darkness that Ketterdam had plagued them with; regardless of how young they were, whether a girl or a boy, they would be painted with the city's malice. Everyone had their own demons, something dreadful had occurred to them—it didn't matter what it was, for the demons and the city had shaped them into a person with a dark heart and a desire for cruelty.
Kaz had personal knowledge with this. He had been altered, like so many others, by the vile city's relentless brutality. With his sinister demeanor, or his lethal cane, where he might break a leg, or change a man's fortune, he was known as Dirtyhands. People feared him, and some had always wondered what had happened to Kaz Brekker to make him so merciless.
Of course, everything remained a mystery since no one dared to cross Kaz, including the Crows who were usually with him. They didn't want to meet death by Brekker's gloved hands just yet, even though they were plainly intrigued about the cunning yet deadly thief. The tragedy that transformed Kaz into the person he is today remained hidden, and others speculated that the city had done nothing to him and that he was born wicked.
They were not corrected by Kaz.
Matthias refers to him as demjin, which means demon in Fjerdan. It didn't bother Kaz; they could call him whatever they wanted; at the very least, they'd know he wasn't someone to tamper with. After all, he had a reputation to uphold, and if people feared him, then so be it. Kaz enjoyed the feeling of authority and domination among fools, and he relished seeing people's terror whenever he was near.
He was certain that he was born with a terribly malevolent nature. That perhaps the shadows had been there all along, seething inside only to become stronger when the feeling of vengeance overwhelmed him after a life full of treachery and violence, after Jordie's death and everything else that had made Kaz miserable before. He had his own darkness, but it was at odds with yours.
How did you wind up with him and the Crows in Ketterdam?
Kaz remembered the day he first met you as if it had been scorched into his mind. Your hair was escaping out of its hair tie, framing your face in a frenetic and wild yet compelling way. You appeared to be running, your movements swift and efficient; you seemed to be young, similar to Kaz's age, yet there was still a youthful simplicity in you, one that he had lost a long time ago, buried in the waters and deepest depths of it.
He might have gone about his business; after all, the last thing on his mind was a girl, agitated and wounded amidst the city of Ketterdam's well-known lack of morality. To Kaz, it's a common sight, one that would even amuse him, but when he first saw you, there was something unusual about you. He didn't feel sorry for you but you seemed to be a fresh face, and Kaz Brekker must know everyone in the city. He needed to keep a watchful eye on everyone, especially any potential enemies.
On a dreary night in Ketterdam, where Kaz could hear the same rattling noises and smell the foul stench of blood and sins outside, he focused instead on the kruge on his table. He was counting everything carefully and silently, and when he heard the familiar faint footsteps, he didn't stop. Kaz didn't look up at the person, instead continuing to stare at the kruge as if it were about to vanish from his grasp.
After a brief pause, he finally looked up.
He wasn't surprised to see her. “Hello, Inej.”
Inej approached Kaz, who was standing behind the table, and gave him a distinctive nod as he looked down and arranged the kruge on the table. Her movements were light and stealthy, like the Wraith she was and Kaz suspected she had something to tell him. Inej only came to his office when she had something important to tell Kaz.
“I’m hoping you're not here to waste my time,” Kaz remarked, his voice flat and uninterested as usual. “Any valuable information?”
“It's about the girl,” Inej started.
Kaz made a gesture of paying attention to her, but he was still gazing down at his money. “Girl?”
He could hear Inej's footsteps getting closer until she was directly across from him. “The one you said I should look into to find out who she is.”
For the first time since Inej went to his office, Kaz looked up with a gleam of pure interest in his dark eyes. “I'm listening.”
“She's a fresh face in the city—I once followed her on her way and discovered she lived near an elderly couple's bakery. She is new here in Ketterdam, and I hadn't heard about her until you told me to keep an eye on her,” Inej stated passively. “But, she is skillful. She was in a frenzy as she realized I was following her, so she became alarmed and attacked me.”
Kaz became increasingly intrigued. “Tell me you didn't kill her.”
Inej's dark eyes were frowning, but behind her mask and the darkness, Kaz couldn't see her entire face. “I didn't and I wouldn't,” she said bluntly, as if the answer was self-evident. “She's brilliant, and despite being new to Ketterdam, she's already proven her potential.”
“What is her name?”
“Y/N L/N.” Inej replied. “Why the sudden interest in her?”
“Always be cautious of new people; they are unaccustomed with the ambience of Ketterdam, and it is wiser to get to know them before they identify themselves,” Kaz counseled. “She may be destructive, but based on what you said, she's entirely harmless.”
Inej shook her head, disbelieving. “Did the word ‘skillful’ escape your notice?”
Kaz wore a vacant smile. “I heard you just fine.”
“Kaz,” she said, her voice warning. “What are your intentions with her?”
“I won't kill her, if that's what you're wondering.”
Inej's eyes glowed with understanding, and Kaz battled the impulse to roll his eyes; why did it take her so long to realize?
Inej remarked, “You're recruiting her in the Dregs.”
Kaz only wore a pleased expression.
You had adjusted well once you were recruited in the Dregs. Kaz remembered how, to his astonishment, a gun greeted his temple when he walked inside a small, cluttered space that he knows you call home. He followed Inej's directions, and your small abode was definitely close to the bakery run by an elderly couple. He could still remember the smell of the lingering pastries even in the middle of a wretched place you called home.
Kaz could see the survival instinct you implemented in your small home where there was collected foods, knives placed on the couch, and a blanket applied as a cover for the windows, and he observed his fascination with your cautiousness. You only let go of the gun after he assured you that he meant no harm and that he had a proposition for you.
That's how it all began. When Inej indicated you were competent, she was right. With the jobs Kaz had given you, you were swift and clever, as well as flawless. Perhaps your accomplishments were a way of repaying Kaz for providing you with a secure place to sleep and have a modest shelter. Not only that, but you'd formed close friendships with the Barrel's employees, particularly the Crows.
You were particularly fond of Inej. The one-time attack and brief fight against one another became a laughing memory as you both reminisced about it whenever you had the opportunity. There was no scorching animosity between you two, and you became inseparable as the days passed. Kaz remembered you blabbering your apologies to Inej after stabbing her in the leg when you realized she was following you. Inej could only chuckle heartily.
Matthias seemed to like you, much to Kaz's great shock, and he could see how you both chatted and spoke about things after each heist. Nina had mentioned that it was mundane at job when it was just her and Inej as the girls, and you were a wonderful addition. She had been pushing Kaz to make you a Crow for a while, but Kaz thought you weren't ready. You were only needed on occasion, not every time they pulled off a job.
You bonded well with Wylan as well, but Kaz sensed your apprehension towards Jesper. Kaz was initially perplexed; Jesper was a naturally cheerful person, and everyone seemed to enjoy his company. Not that you dreaded it, rather Kaz could always recall your laughter whenever Jesper cracked a joke—a laugh he grew terribly fond of.
Jesper, on the other hand, is far too friendly, and Kaz would be lying if he said he didn't notice the dread expression on your face whenever someone came close to you or when Jesper put his elbow on your shoulder.
Kaz began to observe you more intently after seeing that, as if he hadn't already. He believed he had made the right decision in recruiting you. You were special, enthusiastic, and the light of the Barrel. Kaz didn't think you'd fit in well with the city's grim environment at first, and he didn't want you to get further corrupted by the violence.
But Kaz had entirely overlooked and dismissed what had transpired to you and how you had landed up in Ketterdam.
Every day, Kaz's inexplicable fondness for you grew stronger. You and Kaz have a contentious relationship; unlike the rest of the Crows, you didn't necessarily converse and blabber to him, nor did you laugh and tease with him like you did with Inej and Jesper, but there was a wordless distinctive connection between you and Kaz.
Your patience and presence were the attributes he admired the most in you. Kaz wasn't easy to talk to or even tolerate—he's closed off and harsh—but whatever nonsense Saints Inej believed in seemed to bring you to Ketterdam to soften his roughness. In his world of darkness, Kaz didn't believe in miracles or light, but you were there, proving that there is still some good in the world.
Kaz had intended to fire you at that time.
He had questioned Inej about your misfortune and how you ended up in Ketterdam. Inej only shook her head and mumbled something about your past being none of her business. You were shut off as well, but unlike Kaz, you shine with gentleness and radiance, masking whatever darkness you may have. Matthias would grumble under his breath whenever you greeted Kaz in the morning with a big smile.
Matthias had once growled, “The demjin doesn't deserve such pleasant smiles.”
You only shook your head, as delicate and gentle as you were. “Even if it's seldom or undeserved, everyone deserves a little bit of decency.”
That's when Kaz realized you were mistaken. He didn't deserve such remedy from you—you and him had a routine where you'd read a book in his office or simply admire the moon and stars at night, the moonlight shining in your face and making you look stunning. There was no talking, just stillness. Kaz was always busy making plans and would occasionally glance at you.
Your very presence made him feel calmer, and whenever you came to visit his office, which had previously been dark, was replaced with a strange sense of peace. Kaz was hesitant to make you a Crow for a reason, selfish if it was. He didn't want to expose you completely to his enemies, risking you being wounded or worse, killed. He knows you're talented and all, but he let his vanity get the best of him, and to his horror, his worry.
He valued your tranquility, but he also sought your voice—he wanted you to talk excitedly about anything, and if your silence had soothed him, what more could your voice possibly have done? But maybe it was all one-sided, and you're only there with Kaz because you owe him courtesy, and maybe you've never liked him, and you're just doing this benevolence to him to act with integrity.
Kaz wouldn't blame you.
Kaz despised weakness, and he knew he couldn't just have you rot in the streets, no matter how he felt—and he questioned why he was feeling anything at all. He was ruthless, but he didn't want to hurt someone who had been nothing but pleasant and selfless. He didn't want to take away your friendship or the comfort you found in the Barrel.
He did not want you to go.
Kaz was disturbed by the thought.
Everyone was fast asleep, exhausted from the job they had just completed, so they chatted and ate waffles—Nina's suggestion—to calm their anxieties before retiring to their various rooms. Only the Crows were required for the job, and Kaz had assumed you were probably sleeping in your room as he lingered at the table with Jesper, who was elated from the successful completion of the job.
To Kaz's relief, Jesper yawned and stood up, but before walking away, he stopped and beamed even brighter and exclaimed, “Y/N!”
Kaz took a look around and spotted you. You approached them with a relieved expression on your face, a book in your hand, and no indication of drowsiness on your face. You gave a small smile as you met Kaz's gaze, which had not left yours, and then turned to face Jesper.
Jesper shifted his gaze between you and Kaz, then back to you, and Kaz swore he glimpsed a smirk on the Zemeni's face. “I'll talk to you tomorrow, gorgeous,” he says, “I’m exhausted, goodnight.”
Kaz watched Jesper approaching you and saw him about to hug you before deciding against it and giving you a wink before passing you by. It made Kaz frown.
“Aren't you tired?” you began as you sat across from him, helping yourself to the last waffles.
Kaz noticed this was the start of a conversation—he expected you to be silent as you eat and enjoy each other's company, but you spoke to him, and to his chagrin, a tightrope in his stomach loosened and made him feel relaxed.
“Why aren't you asleep yet?”
Your eyes squinted when the topic shifted, but you shrugged it off. “I wasn't tired.”
“That makes it the both of us.”
Kaz sat back and enjoyed your chuckle. The sounds it made were like a stack of kruge tumbling from his table. He was trying to memorize the cadence of your laugh. He shook his head, hating the thoughts that overwhelm him, but he couldn't help himself—it was only you and him, in the middle of the night, and there was no silence.
“No one got hurt?” you muttered as you bit into your waffle.
“We're fine,” Kaz said, pleased as he saw your eyes brighten. “The job was successful.”
Kaz has a keen ability to read people and can tell you were worried, which could explain why you weren't asleep. You had been waiting for their arrival. Or maybe it was just the other Crows and not him and Kaz didn't realize he was staring until you said spoke.
“I know questions are etched on your face,” you said. implying that he wasn't the only one who can easily read people. “What is it, Kaz?”
He was taking a risk, but he couldn't help but ask the question that had been nagging him since the first time he saw you. “How did you end up in Ketterdam?”
You remained silent for a moment, staring down at your waffle, before speaking softly enough for Kaz to mistake it for a faint hum. “I… wanted a way out.”
He almost laughed. “What could be worse than Ketterdam?”
You raised your eyes to Kaz, your expression solemn, the brightness that had warmed him faded. “Believe it or not, Ketterdam has seemed like home to me. It's the closest thing I've ever felt to refuge here, despite the fact that it's brutal. It was the first time I felt secure.”
The first time? Kaz thought.
“The people, too,” you continued, “Inej, Nina, Jesper, Matthias, Wylan. And… you Kaz.”
“What happened to you, Y/N?” Kaz struggled to hide his uneasiness in his tone. “Has anyone ever treated you with such safety and tranquility?”
“No,” you said softly and unsteadily. “You were the first who ever did.”
Kaz noticed tears threatening to spill from your eyes and decided he couldn't bear you being so vulnerable—it wasn't like you. “Talk to me, L/N.”
“When my mother left when I was six, my father became sorrowful, unhappy, and enraged, and he let all of his aggression out on me,” you explained, your voice strained. “He does things to me that no parent should ever do to their child.”
Kaz was filled with a searing and inexplicable rage. But he kept his cool by clutching his cane tightly in his hands, as if striving to maintain composure. He listened intently as you spoke, satisfied that you had put your trust in him to speak about something that had been a lingering memory. He observed you playing with your hands at the table, the waffle long forgotten.
His voice was like a promise of violence. “Why?”
You shrugged, a small, pained smile on your face. “People end up doing things they don't want to do, but sometimes they can't do anything to stop it. My father had no one else to release his frustrations on, so he did it to me, and after that, he'd apologize and hug me while crying.”
Kaz felt compelled to say something to you since you had put your trust in him, and it was only fair that he reciprocated it. “I had never been treated with kindness and tenderness by anyone. You were also the first one who did.”
“I owe you, Kaz.”
“You owe me nothing,” Kaz immediately responded.
“You saved my life,” you said.
Kaz locked his gaze on you, seeking to grasp the details of whatever it was he was enamored of. “I'd do it all over again. I can't guarantee you peace or liberty, but you will never be treated the way your father treated you. I won't let it happen.”
It was then that you both realized that when the day ended and night came, you would seek one other's solace. Two souls that had their own painful memories and had never known serenity before connected and shared it.
#♡ — ani’s works.#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x fem!reader#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker x y/n#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker#kaz brekker fic#six of crows x reader#six of crows x you#six of crows imagine#six of crows#crooked kingdom#grishaverse#nina zenik#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#matthias helvar#six of crows fic#six of crows fandom
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Tainted Opal-
Kaz Brekker x fem!reader
PART 1
A/N: This is a series I have posted on a few other platforms.
T/Ws: violence, romantic feelings, blood, mild spice scenes sometimes, fem!reader and she/her pronouns, sexual abuse/trauma (not explicit)
Synopsis: You are a a seductress who owns a large stolen jewelry business in Ketterdam. You approach Kaz for assistance after your business partner steals all of your money and your poison ring.
REQUESTS: OPEN✅
____________________________________________
1 - A ‘tell’ in poker
I found myself not being cornered, but on the opposite end of such a relationship.
The dark alleys of Ketterdam are for the faint of heart to be victim, but I had played that role too many times to repeat such. Instead, the Bastard of the Barrel stood before me, scrappier and more daunting than I had expected. Though, all I had to go off of were the blackened whispers of Ketterdam's constant voices.
As usual, I observed my surroundings, the alleyway in which I stand in became a map in my mind.
The silence was thicker than the fog of the docks, fear was beginning to pool like bile in my throat. Maybe this was a mistake.
"My apologies for cornering you in an alley, Mr. Brekker," my voice melted the silence like hot honey. Years of practice in my field allowed for faking demeanors to be easy. "I want to offer you a job," I cock my eyebrow slightly and saunter my way towards him.
He had a piercing stare stabbing my insides and twisting my flesh in odd ways. Showing weakness is an option that leads to downfall, I remind myself when I notice my faltering confidence.
"What job are you proposing?" He asks tersely. Tapping his cane between us, an invisible boundary being made. I cleared my throat, "one week ago, to the dot I might add, my partner went missing," I explained. "My business
partner, Arx Dam-Tres, and his wife were spotted at the nearby port, boarding a privately owned boat. Along with his dear darling, Rasmine, he took our shared wealth and my most prized ring-"
"What makes this ring so important? You're obviously willing to risk your life cornering me in an alley to retrieve it." He interrupts me. I peer at the many hiding spaces the dark night offers Ketterdam's voices. I've been told of Kaz's crow, Inej, I assume she wields her knife atop a building above me. The barrel of a gun glints in the moonlight. It comes from a window on the right, barely noticeable, but the one holding the trigger was slightly sloppy in their hiding.
"I'm aware that I have multiple threats to my flesh at all sides at the moment, so I'll get to the point. I'll pay 1 million kruge... upfront," I propose, smirking. Kaz shows the slightest hint of interest, I note that when he is intrigued, he right eyebrow raises and his lip twitches. 'A tell in poker' they call it. While dollar signs replace the pupils of Kaz's eyes, his lips part once more.
"For a price like that, this must be dangeruous. What makes this ring so special?" he rasps. His voice is rough, like coffee grounds thrown into a fire, adorned with an accent. The ignition of such flames sparked something inside me, but I ignore it promptly.
"Well, the ring was created by a fabricator and a shadow summoner," my eyes fall to one of my fingers where the ring should be. "The gold is valuable, but the real worth is on the opal stone hugged by said gold. It is infused with merzoft," I continue, noticing a slight flinch in Kaz when I state such. It's so difficult to tell what he is thinking, but I'm well known for my keen eye. "When the desire strikes me, it will poison those who kiss my ringed hand. I'm a seductress, it comes in handy." I let out a soft, sweet laugh. "My company is owned jointly between Arx and I, a luxury jewelry company of sorts... my products must come from somewhere," I say, shrugging at my implication.
"Why would Arx take the ring?"
"He knew the value, I assume, or Rasmine begged for it-..." my eyes widened as the realization fabricated its of in my mind, my faux demeanor cracking. "He's sailing to Ravka..., he boarded a ship with his wife and millions of kruge," I piece the puzzle together in a mess of words. "He is going to the Darkling, in hopes to learn he properties of the ring.... He won't stop there, Arx is going to make weaponry this way." A growing horror sprouts up in my stomach and wraps itself around my intestines like thorny vines. My panicked voice squeaks out, "I will pay you now, come with me, and we must leave tomorrow morning, I have a boat prepared. We need a crew-"
My frantic string of a tangent is snipped by Kaz's husky voice, "I haven't agreed to this yet." I notice he is getting the upper hand as my confidence is peeling like wallpaper. I calm my nerves, melding my personality back into what it was before.
"Arx had a good connection with your dear friend Pekka...," I cooed, regaining my former composure. His pupils dilate, the wall he built as a shield crumbles, but only for a split second. "You can finally get your revenge, little crow," I break the boundary he made with his cane, moving closer to him. "1 million kruge, a boat, and revenge," I whisper, "sounds like a fantastic reward."
Kaz walks backwards fluidly, his lanky body shrinking away from me. His jaw clenches as he grips his cane tighter. His knuckles must have turned white under those gloves.
"You bring all the kruge in cash here at midnight...,"
I smiled at a turned away, disappearing into the night, my heartbeat meshing with the countless others taking up borrowed space in the darkness of Ketterdam.
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Word count: 919
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Thank you everyone for reading, first chapters are frustrating to write due to their need for a hook, but also a yearn for explanation. It'll get better from here.
-Valentine
#kaz brekker#soc#six of crows#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker x y/n#fem reader#shadow and bone#fanfic#opalring#matthias helvar#nina zenik#wylan van eck#ketterdam#seductress
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Kaz Brekker x gn! Reader - Silk
A/n: This is based off that post about kaz in a red shirt, I just... expanded on it
Warnings: being flustered, swearing, sexual tension??? I think that's it? You have been warned!
Summary: Kaz needs to dress up for a job, and your the one who gets to pick his outfit.
The three P's:
[Pronouns used: you/your] [Pov: 2nd person] [Pairings: romantic! Kaz x reader, platonic! crows x reader]
You knew this would be a good idea you just didn't know how amazing it would be.
Kaz Brekker needed to dress up a... certain way (to say the least) to fit the part so the crows and you could get into an overly fancy party. All the while you'll be stealing diamonds worth a couple thousand kruge.
Just all in a days work for the crows.
This- this was not all in a days work for you though. Kaz Brekker in a red, silk, button up shirt. Your stopped breathing, as soon as you saw him.
Well, fuck you.
The funny thing is that Kaz looked absolutely enraged that he had to wear this, and for some reason the crows said they had to see it before hand to make sure it would be suitable or whatever. They talk as if he didn't have style, and although sometimes it doesn't feel like it; Kaz Brekker definitely had style.
You noticed it everyday, and everyday your head would spin a bit more looking at him.
Now though, now that you were the one in charge of his clothes and this had been the result? Well, you weren't sure if Kaz was going to be able to ever chose his own outfit again.
"I'm pretty sure this gives Dirtyhands a whole new meaning." Nina pipes up, as she glances over to you.
Instantly your cheeks go aflame, and your mind wanders and what if-
Nope, your heart would not be able to take it, nope.
Yet as he stood in front of you the silky, red button up shirt, looking like an saint, you knew there was no denying. You had to finish off the look, even if it would surprise Kaz, and all the crows, even if after, Jesper would just claim that you had just wanted to see him in it. Fucking hell, there was no denying it, because you do. You really do want to see him in it.
Walking to the shelf in Kaz's office you lifted a couple of items before revealing the basically holy grail, to the saint.
Kaz Brekker with a corset.
You were going to die.
You placed your hands out in front of Kaz's astonished face, not even caring about the other crows. The leather, and cotton felt like they were going to explode in your hands. Or perhaps that's how you felt giving Kaz the black corset.
Surprisingly, he doesn't try and argue with you, or even worse laugh at you. Instead he looks at you, and for a second there's a flash of emotion in his eyes, but it's gone before you can catch what it is. Then...
"Can you help me put it on?"
Apparently that was not the response anyone in the office thought Kaz was going to say, because the room was pushed into astounding silence.
You don't say anything you just walk over to the mirror that he has in his bathroom. As he follows you, you have to stop yourself from shouting out with joy and embarrassment. You are pretty sure this entire ordeal is more embarrassing for you, then it is for him.
Naturally the crows follow, because they want to know every single thing that's going to happen. For any other group of friends if two "friends" were going off to help each other try on some clothes the others would leave them alone, thinking nothing of it. But this is Kaz Brekker, and you, and they know there must be something else going on.
He gets most of it on by himself, really the only thing he needs help with, are the straps in the back. Just with the tightening, and tying.
"Well?" Kaz asks you impatient as you stare at his back.
"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me?"
Immediately his words sent signals to the rest of your body and you've finally picked up the black straps that are woven through the back of the floral corset.
Pulling slightly, just to see how much he could take, when you do he rolls his eyes and you know you have to pull more, but god dammit! Your heart is literally in your throat you can't do this- You can't do this!
Abruptly you pull, probably hard enough to take somebody's head off and he stumbles back and for a second his back is pressed up against your chest and oh saints, murder you now.
He doesn't regain his footing right away though, he keeps some of his weight on you and you can hear him gasping for air.
You're sure your friends have let out mini gasps, and whoops, but your mind is fully focused on Kaz. The only thing on your mind is Kaz.
Fuck you Kaz, for taking up every inch of your mind and soul. For being the true criminal that he is, and stealing a very big special place in your heart.
Then he leans forward a bit, so there's not much room for you to work with, but you make do as you tie the straps together.
Then to your disbelief he turns around so he's facing you and fuck all your heart just stops.
Kaz Brekker looks gorgeous.
From the shirt, to the corset Dirtyhands himself looks like the most sinful man, in the best ways. You feel like your face has been set aflame, because of this man in front of you.
Then he slyly smirks at you, and looks you up and down.
"Like what you see?"
Suddenly you want to make Kaz feel the same flustered feeling that you feel.
So you trail your hand from the bottom of the corset (knowing full well he wouldn't be able to feel your skin at all. Maybe only the warmth of it.) All the way to were his nipples would be, then you trail a finger down from there, letting your nail scratch it as it goes down.
"I sure do Gorgeous."
Then the Bastard of the barrel himself explodes into a flustered mess.
"Well we know who's helping Kaz get ready for tomorrow." Jesper's voice is heard, as you can hear the loud laughter of your other friends in the background.
Both of your heads whip back to the doorway to find all the crows with matching; "I told you so!" Smirks etched upon their faces.
"What?!" Both your voices ring out at once.
Words 1078
-thedelusionreaderbitch
Grishaverse taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626 @brekkers-desigirl @emmsamultifan06
I halfway regret writing this
#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker in button up red shirt#ima die#grishaverse#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#wylan van eck#nina zenik#matthias helvar#shadow and bone#six of crows#crooked kingdom#soc#sab#kaz x reader#kaz brekker x gn! reader#Silk#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker x y/n#kanej#six of crows x reader#soc x reader#the crows x reader#crows x reader#the crows x gn! reader#dirtyhands#kaz dirtyhands brekker
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Matthias Helvar Recommendations
Smut - *
Shadow and Bone/Six of Crows Masterlist
Most Men
Rougher*
Stay Alive For Me
Ask The Saints
Beautiful*
Challenge - Part 2: Sooner
Three Weeks*
Lavender Haze .
Rooftops .
Drowning In Sorrow .
By Your Side .
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Matthias: Okay, you go first. I've got you.
Y/N: Okay.
Matthias: Sorry about the hands on your...um...
Y/N: You don't have to worry about being a gentleman right now, Matthias.
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar imagine#matthias helvar#incorrect shadow and bone#incorrect grishaverse#incorrect shadow and bone quotes#shadow and bone imagine#shadow and bone#grishaverse imagine#incorrect grishaverse quotes#grishaverse#six of crows#soc imagine#soc#six of crows imagine#incorrect six of crows#incorrect six of crows quotes#incorrect soc#incorrect soc quotes
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Hello, could you possibly write a oneshot where the reader is from abusive household and she gets put into arranged marriage with Matthias and after a while he learns that secret about her and is even more sweet and caring and overprotective of her? I know this might be a triggering topic for some but sometimes a good fluff makes you feel a whole lotta better no? :)
A/n: Hello lovely-- this was a great request, perfect fit for Matthias. I took a tiny bit of creative license and maybe there's a part 2 to be written? idk lemme know what you think! <3
Fire and Ice - Matthias X Fem!Reader
Warnings: cursing, implied past abuse, mentions of reader scars, not proofread
Word Count: 1246
You thought you’d hidden your shaking hands better than this. Matthias was already proving problematically observant.
“Y/n, what’s wrong?” He closed the door to your shared quarters on the top floor of the Crow Club, shutting out the merry din from the packed bar below. Closing the distance between you, he stepped forward and grasped your hands in his. He turned them over in his hands - strong and calloused - as if searching for an answer in the lines of your palms.
You shook your head, anxious to swat this conversation away. He ducked his chin down to force you to meet his gaze, something you’d been avoiding for the past few minutes.
“I… I can’t… I can’t talk about it…” you offered weakly. Your voice was shaking to match your quaking hands now. That familiar terror was creeping up in your chest. You had the urge to find a corner somewhere and press your back into it. Corners had always been the safest place at home. Corners meant that no one could surprise you from behind. You could see anything that came your way - shoes, dishes, and fists. Seeing them didn’t make the bruises or cuts hurt less, per se, but at least the pain wasn’t mixed with shock.
“You’re shaking like a leaf.” He stepped forward, wrapping his strong arms around you. You froze, rigid from surprise and discomfort. He was warm and firm and all around you in an instant, enveloping you and restricting your movement. He rested his cheek on the top of your head as his hands rubbed up and down your back. You wondered if he could feel the decades-old scars there, etched across your shoulder blades. A permanent reminder of where you’d come from.
“Stop it,” you growled, your voice taut like a wire. Matthias stepped back, letting his arms drop, a fleeting shadow of hurt dancing across his face. For the briefest moment, you had the inexplicable urge to step back to him, to let his embrace swallow you whole again. The urge was foreign to you - you’d never wanted to be close to anyone before. The only desires you’d ever felt in relation to other people was the desire to get away from them. Although, in all fairness, no one had ever given you a reason to want anything other than to be alone. You’d accumulated enough bruises, burns, scars, and dark memories to prove that a hundred times over.
“Y/n, talk to me. What’s going on.”
Matthias’ wintry blue eyes studied you with a mix of curiosity and worry. It was tender in a way that made you want to smack him. He had no business caring so much. An inexplicable flare of anger boiled in your chest.
“Why do you care anyways?” you spat, ripping your hands out of his grasp. “You barely fucking know me. Don’t start pretending that this-” you gestured at the space between the two of you “-is anything more than what it is: an arranged marriage that neither of us fucking wanted.”
Your breathing was getting shallower, more frantic. The feeling of terror was blooming in your chest, fueled by rage and the unquenchable desire to sink into the floor and be ignored. The words were coming quicker now, falling out of your mouth before you knew what you were saying.
“So just leave me alone, don’t worry about it, because I’m not your goddamn concern!”
Matthias didn’t recoil from your outburst. He held your gaze, his handsome face a portrait-worthy picture of concern.
“I care because you’re clearly in pain. Do I need any other reason?”
That blaze of anger that you’d directed outwards suddenly turned inwards. Shame bubbled in your gut as you realized he wasn’t going to turn away from you. You hadn’t realized it until now, but that was why your anger rose up so quickly. It was trying to shield the parts of you that didn’t want to be looked at or questioned. And until now, it had always worked. People gave you a wide berth, even your “friends” the Crows. All it took was a flash of anger every now and again, and you’d had everything you thought you’d ever wanted: privacy, isolation, and no one close enough to hurt you ever again.
Until now, that was.
As you looked across the space separating you and Matthias, your anger and terror was beginning to give way to something bigger and softer. You couldn’t name the emotion, but it hung somewhere between comfort and longing. Those feelings were unusual for you. The closest you came to comfortable in relationships was around animals, horses in particular. You’d never met another person that brought this out of you before.
You stared at Matthias incredulously and in a long, weighty silence. To his credit, he held your gaze patiently, seemingly content to give you peace while you plundered clumsily through these strange emotions.
After a few minutes, you cleared your throat and offered him a very hesitant half-smile. “I can’t talk about it with you,” you told him. The same heartbreaking look of disappointment darkened his face momentarily. “Not today,” you went on. “But one day. I will. I promise.”
You didn’t like the way a promise made you feel, but as soon as you tossed those words out towards him, you knew it was the right thing. Some knot of tension deep inside you snapped loose at those words. You’d hold to your promise, too. You knew it as much as you knew that the sky above is blue.
Matthias chewed on the inside of his lip, clearly a bit dissatisfied that he wasn’t going to get satisfaction today. After a few moments, he nodded. “One day,” he echoed. You nodded, dropping your eyes to the floor and fidgeting with the ring on your left hand. It still felt odd to wear a wedding ring there, but you were growing fond of the way the sapphire and garnet in the band caught the firelight.
“Why these stones?” you blurted out suddenly. Matthias cocked an eyebrow at you, as surprised by your off-topic question as you were. Something about the vulnerability of your promise had loosened your tongue. You worried he would think you silly and shake his head, but instead he smiled, gazing gently at the ring on your finger.
“Fire and ice,” he replied cryptically with a mischievous grin.
You looked down at the ring - the two stones cut in long rectangles, set so closely together that they touched, ringed by small diamonds. Fire and ice… opposites at face value, but complementing forces. Equal in their destructive potential. Maybe that was what Matthias was getting at… and yet, when balanced, weren’t fire and ice also life-giving?
Your eyes met his. He was still smiling at you, his expression unreadable. No longer a smirk, something different now. Pride, maybe? Although you knew you didn’t deserve it, you couldn’t help but bask a little in the admiration you saw in his eyes. A blush stained your cheeks as you looked back at the ring.
“You and me?” you asked, eyes darting between the rings and the man across from you.
His smile confirmed your theory, and he nodded once.
“You and me,” he repeated softly. “Fire and ice.”
You let the light refracting in the two stones dazzle you for a moment longer. Fire and ice, you thought. Matthias and I…
I could get used to that.
#shadow and bone requests#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar imagine#matthias helvar#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar angst#shadow and bone fic#matthias helvar requests
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Liar Pt2
Me finally writing the part 2?! Wow! So this part is honestly filler. It's Matthias being in his own head and meeting Nina, who will become an ally. Imma be real, nothing happens BUT LISTEN- it's setting shit up. Have faith. Enjoy his mental crisis.
Druskelle!Matthias Helvar x Heartrender!Wife!Reader (she does not make an apperance-)
Word Count: 2059
Summary: Ever since you've left, Matthias has had conflicting thoughts about your relationship and it's driving him insane, but an unlikely friend makes him realize not all hope is lost.
Y/N - Your Name
D/N - Daughter Name
Link to part 1
(Lowkey should've used this gif for part 1 and part1's for this, but rip)
“Dear my love and life,
I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should say sorry again for the whatever thousandth time. I never know how to start these, so I always say I’m sorry. I wish Djel gave me the power to go back in time and fix the mistakes I’ve made. I wish I could go back and hug you when you told me about you being Grisha, instead of pushing you away. I wish I would’ve held you and told you I’d forever love you instead of calling you a witch. I wish when I woke up, I had my wife beside me and my daughter in the room next to ours. I have lots of wishes, and since I can’t change the past, I have a wish that’s selfish and cruel.
I wish you both were dead. I wish that the Druskelle had found and killed you two, or all of you instead of just Elise and Erik.
I know I sound terrible, but not knowing where you are or how you are hurts more than you two being dead. I wish that one day, I’m sitting at home and someone comes in to say they found and killed you both.
Am I a bad person for thinking this? I’ve heard rumors about other countries. I’ve heard Ravka trains their children for war. I’ve heard Shu Han does terrible experiments on Grisha. I’ve heard in The Wandering Isle that the Kaelish kill Grisha so they can drink their blood. I’ve heard in Kerch, Grisha are put under contracts and basically become slaves. I’d rather you be dead than go through any of that.
My love, you remember the day I proposed to you. I know you do. What you don’t know is that the night before I did so, I sat outside for hours. I couldn’t possibly sleep when I was terrified about what I was gonna do. I saw a star that shined brighter than the others, and for some reason, I thought it could be Djel watching over me. I prayed and begged Djel to convince you to say yes, and you did.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I’m too busy wishing, instead of praying, but I haven’t felt like praying in so long. Maybe if I find that star again, he’ll hear me better like he did the first time. Maybe I’ll get another chance and we’ll all run away. Maybe-”
“Anything going on up there?” the Grisha woman asked.
Matthias found himself writing a lot since you left. Not in some diary though. He’d write letters to you and his daughter, then throw them in the fireplace and watch it be engulfed in flames.
At first the letters were angry and full of betrayal. You lied to him for years. You used him. That’s what he thought at first.
It had been days and you hadn’t been caught. He happened to have paper and ink around him, so he wrote this letter filled with insults, profanities and accusations, then he threw it in the fireplace. Although he wrote all this down, about how you were a liar and a witch, he didn’t go with the druskelle to try and capture you. Others assumed that your “witchcraft” made him still feel sick, but in reality, Matthias knew deep down that if he saw you he wouldn’t be able to take the shot. He would’ve been expected to either kill or capture his ex wife and child and he knew he couldn't. You were his love, and once your daughter was born, you both promised each other to make her number one in your lives. You’d raise her with love and guidance and make sure she never knew a lonely day. You even promised each other that if one was to die, the other had to keep going everyday even if they didn’t want to. You both promised to make her your whole life. Now he was expected to forget all about that. He wanted to forget all about you, but he couldn’t.
His letters went from angry to pleading. Sometimes his letters would be destroyed by his own tears before it even reached the fire. This especially happened whenever an important date passed, like your daughter’s birthday. It hit him hard then. The loneliness became more apparent. Matthias had quit being a Druskelle, telling Brum some bullshit about how his head still didn’t feel right and he didn’t want to mess something up. In reality, being a Druskelle didn’t feel right anymore. His brothers gave him sympathy, saying you were evil and he was strong for realizing this and breaking out of your spell, but it didn’t make sense. When people look back at their memories with a manipulator or abuser, they notice signs. They see things they didn’t see before. And while Matthias did indeed notice signs that you were Grisha, he didn’t see any signs of evil.
Matthias knew you even before his family was killed, and you stood by him as he mourned. You stayed even when he was sure you’d leave. How could you possibly be evil? It didn’t make sense.
Matthias doesn’t know why he accepted Brum’s offer to go on another exploration. Maybe it was loneliness. He had practically isolated himself for two years. No more you. No more D/N. No more brotherhood.
Or maybe he was hoping somehow they’d find you and he’d be able to escape with you.
Either way, he accepted. A mistake.
The boat ended up sinking and Matthias was sure he’d die, until he suddenly felt his heart speeding up in his chest. When he came to, he realized one of the Grisha, a heartrender with brown hair and a smart mouth, had saved him. Granted, it was just so he could push them to shore, but at least he was breathing.
They found a hut, slept by each other, and that’s when he realized two things.
Number one, your wedding ring, which he always kept in his pocket, was gone.
Number two, when the woman sped his heart up so he stayed warm, it felt familiar. It was how he felt when he laid next to you. He always assumed that maybe his heart beat so fast because being near you was the greatest honor and he hadn’t gotten used to it. He’d still say that was true, but the reality was that you used your power to keep him warm every single night. If he hadn’t been around someone, he might’ve cried.
He heard fingers snapping next to his ear. “Druskelle? Anyone up there?”.
Matthias blinked hard to snap himself out of his thoughts, then cleared his throat. His eyes had been on the fire in front of him the whole time, as if he could burn his letter like he usually did. He looked to the side as the woman sat next to him. He couldn’t even remember what they were talking about.
It was as if she read his mind since next she said, “you were telling me all about Fjerdan woman then you stopped. Hoping one appears?”.
“Yes” he answered without thinking.
~~~
Matthias refused to answer any of her questions. In all honesty, she was annoying him. She was incredibly nosey and kept insisting they were lost, but they couldn’t have been lost because Druskelle didn’t get lost! All trees look the same! Rocks look the same! A certain patch of snow looked the same as other patches of snow!
They were lost. Dammit.
Matthias sat on a big rock with a flat top in defeat. What good was being alive if they were just gonna freeze to death?
The woman sat next to him, “I’m gonna ask a few questions if you don’t mind”.
“I do mind”.
“What’s your name? I like ‘Dumb Druskelle’ but surely you were born with something else. Todd? A Kevin maybe? James?”. Matthias hated she gave the same comfort a friend would. It was strange. He didn’t know her, but he had been so lonely that he enjoyed having someone else near. And if he was gonna die, he wouldn’t mind dying with someone else.
Although Matthias was silent, she kept going. “Who’s back home for you?”.
“No one” he thought.
The woman pulled something out of one of her pockets and presented it to him. It was your wedding ring, the one he thought probably sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Before he could speak she said “I grabbed it before it sunk too far. Figured I could use it as leverage to make you get us to shore, but you agreed before I could”. Matthias took it and since no one he knew was around, he put it back on.
Some people prefer the feeling of a weight lifting off of them, but he preferred the weight the ring added to his finger even if it wasn’t that huge of a change. The woman was still looking at him then he had an idea. If she was Ravkan and you ran there, maybe she knew you! He asked her if he knew a woman fitting your description with a child that had recently came to Ravka. When she said she was usually in and out of the palace, but had gotten a letter from a friend who mentioned a new Grisha with a child he felt conflicted. On one hand, this could’ve been you and this meant you were safe. On the other hand, this meant his daughter was probably being trained to become a soldier for whatever other war Ravka would join.
She made a sarcastic remark, asking if he had been hunting this woman also and she happened to get away. He spilled his guts then. He told her everything. How you met, how you were always there for him, how you fell in love, your marriage, your child, the incident, him turning on you. All of it. It felt amazing to say out loud to someone else.
“You had an incredible wife but chased her and your child away? Remember when I said there was a brain inside all that muscle? I lied”. He didn’t argue. What was the point? “What would you do if you managed to see her or your child again?”.
He thought about this every night and he still didn’t know. He’d apologize but what then? Let you go? Beg for another chance? What if you had met someone else by now? “I don’t know” he answered honestly “but I’d beg for as long as she wanted me to”.
“You do realize that you were gonna kill more Grisha on that boat right?”
“You would go on trial”
“Your trials are a sham, we’ve been over this. The loneliness won’t end by becoming a Druskelle again. You and I both know it”. Matthias went quiet again as he thought. He hated she was nosey, he hated that everything that came out her mouth was sarcastic or said with an attitude, but more importantly
He hated she was right.
“I have known one way my entire life. I don’t know how to be anything else. I… I don’t know if I can be better”.
“It’s possible” she said. She stood and moved so she was in his view. “Get on your feet-”. It all happened so quick then. She backed up, then all Matthias heard was the ground crumbling and her screams. He dived down, catching her hands.
She pleaded for Matthias to pull her up and for a split second, he thought he’d let her fall.
He refused to turn his back on anyone else though.
He pulled her up and let her catch her breath on the ground. After a few seconds, he stood with his hand outstretched, “Matthias… Helvar”.
She took his hand and let him help her to her feet. “Nina Zenik. Nice to make your acquaintance”. Matthias draped one of the fur coverings he was wearing on her shoulders then they started walking again.
“You saved my life”
“I put you in chains. It was the least I could do”.
“That’s all very true, but I was going to say something before I fell”. Nina grabbed his arm, making him stop and look at her.
“I’m going to help you find your family”.
A/N: I need to stop deciding to write at 11pm-. Anyway, did anything really happen this part? No. Lowkey this should say part 1.5 but that looks ugly so here we are. I will not procrastinate for another two months, I promise. Also I remembered that Matthias is 18 and ya'll kid is 10, so uhhh let's say the kid is 6 and ya'll are mid twenties. Imma edit the last part too, don't even worry. I think part 3 will be the last part unless I decide it's too long and split it.
Taglist:
@luvrrish @katie-the-bookworm @favouritefeverdream (Idk if you wanted to be tagged, but you commented so imma do it anyway)
#matthias helvar x reader#matthias helvar x you#matthias helvar x y/n#matthias helvar#matthias helvar oneshot#shadow and bone#shadow and bone oneshot#shadow and bone imagine#matthias helvar imagine#six of crows#grishaverse#shadow and bone x reader#six of crows x reader#i am so down bad for him
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the rat incident | cane and claws saga
the crows & gn!grisha!reader
cws: rats, f-bomb at the end lmao
a/n: this is so silly LMAOOO
rats were one of your favourite animals to use during jobs. small, discreet, often unnoticed by everyone, they made for good carriers of notes and small packages, as well as scoping out areas. they're exceptionally useful and more often than not, quite friendly.
the weather was warm. you and the six other crows were in a sewer, and it smelt as bad as it sounded. you were knelt on the ground, eyes closed, trying to use your abilities to summon some rats to scope out something for the mission.
"how long is this gonna take..." jesper muttered, breaking the silence. your eyes shot open and you glared at him.
"if you talk, it adds more time. so shut it."
"yeah but it's hot and i'm tired-"
"we're all hot and tired jesper. keep your mouth shut." kaz snapped.
"maybe we should figure out another plan," matthias spoke up, but nina smacked his arm.
"have some faith in y/n."
"thank you, nina." you sighed, closing your eyes again and pressing your palms to the cement. you could hear the tiniest squeaks in the distance, far away but within your powers' reach, nearly there-
"wylan, can't you just make some device that can scope for us?"
you bolt to your feet. "okay. i'm not doing this. you guys can't keep quiet for five minutes. let's just do it another way."
"y/n," kaz began patiently. "we need the rats because-"
you pretty much lost it by this point. tired, boiling and frustrated, you bend down and squeeze your eyes shut and called as loudly as you could to the rats.
silence.
and then, without warning, a cacophony of scratches and squeaks filled the silent sewer. about a thousand rats were swarming towards you.
in that moment, the seven of you were connected by a mutual horror, and without pause, the seven of you turned to each other.
"fuck."
#silly#kaz brekker#jesper fahey#nina zenik#matthias helvar#wylan van eck#inej gahfas#x reader#x you#x y/n#six of crows
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