Sometimes I hate how much of a dissociative fuck I am if solely because I've also spent several years of my life as a really really bad maladaptive daydreamer, and as someone who considers them "three years mostly clean" by only writing and engaging in my story in moderation; I have to have these "stop and take a break for a while else this gets into disordered compulsive and addictive territory" and its just like, honestly sucks

Its still 4000x better than whatever the fuck was going on when I was peak bad with maladaptive daydreaming, so much so I can hardly imagine it even though it was explicitly me as a part, but dealing with the haze of not letting yourself be engaged in an internal story world and disconnecting all your emotions, sense of time and history and world off of said internal story world and having to find your way back to remember what the fuck reality is like is just so painstaking, disorientating, and mood souring inherently, cause for a good while, its just like this hugeeee spike in derealization and derealization without depersonalization is just mildly depressing.

Like I'm used to the routine of this at this point so it isn't this huge deal, but it never gets to be anything less than a pain in the ass everytime I have to sit myself aside and say "you hit threshold red flag level, stop here before it gets harder to stop" and its just ughhhh

What do you MEAN I can't completely relapse on my maladaptive daydreaming and completely overturn my life in favor of being a couch potato with no cares for myself, my system, or the world around me because all my needs are "met" by my story?? ugh.

We're doing alright by the way. I just got caught up in an interesting development in the story that hooked me in like a hungry fish; particularly since we are doing some pain in the ass trauma work so my maladaptive daydreaming brain is like "we COULD just tune the world out and go into THIS one" which is like, yes but no and ugh.

I really still do have a large dislike for the fact that the last time I checked the maladaptive daydreaming tags, it was full of people romanticizing and minimizing how crippling and detrimental maladaptive daydreaming can be to life and interpersonal relationships and some people encouraging it cause no, it really isn't. I dunno if the tags are still like that since I just dont interact with it since I last checked.

Daydreaming is a good hobby and coping mechanism, but if its at the point of being MALADAPTIVE daydreaming, ie taking away from responsibilities, life, self care, interpersonal relationships, and/or worsening pre-existing mental health conditions, it is not and while I understand how easy it is to minimize it as someone who was deep in it, it is REALLY not a good thing to be / have / work with.

omori's inclinations towards self isolation is so realistic and similar to my own it's almost disturbing and very nearly triggering... very. nearly.

I eat a normal amount for one day and literally have the worst digestion problems an hour later.

Dying while starving and dying while eating #nowayout

✮!Introduction Post!✮

♡New to Ed + Sh tumblr I’ve been on edshtwt but decided to come on here too♡

𝝑𝝔Things About Me:

Fav Songs + Artists:

Useless Child by kikuo,

Older by Isabel LaRosa,

The Red Means I love you by Madds Buckley,

4 Morant(better luck next time)by Com Truise

Name: Ash/Asher Gender:Female

Pronouns: Any/All

Sexuality:Sapphic/bisexual mostly attracted to females and female-aligned people

Likes:

Cute-gore/blood, horror, dark comedy, history nerd, Introverted, Hello kitty, TBHK, MLP and Camp Camp

I’m a minor dni if it makes you uncomfortable

About My ED & SH:

TW: HIGH SW/CW (Mean/Sweetspo and fatphobic comments is always welcome)

Height: 5’3/160cm SW: 166Ibs/75.5Kgs :(

CW: 161.6Ibs (Around up to 162)/73.5kgs

LW: 153Ibs/69.4kgs

Currently goal: Get back to my LW as quickly as possible! (Need to lose 9Ibs/4kgs)

The longest time I’ve been clean from sh was about 2 months but relapse shortly after

Looking for Ed/Sh Moots

!If you have similar stats and/or Have a high SW let’s be moots/Ed buddies!

𐙚Basic dni + non ED/SHᡣ𐭩

I'm sorry for the bother and if I trigger someone, however unfortunately my Madd intersects with addiction and if I need to relapse in Madd the only way to stop is to relapse and the reverse is true as well. If I need to delay a relapse I'll daydream.

Really my question is:

Is there any information about Madd, other addictions and how they crossover?

This is what we have so far:

Sharma P. & Mahapatra A. (2021). Phenomenological analysis of maladaptive daydreaming associated with internet gaming addiction: a case report. General Psychiatry, 34(2). e100419. doi:10.1136/ gpsych-2020-100419

Somer, E., Abu-Rayya, H.M. & Nsairy Samaan, Z. (2019). Maladaptive daydreaming among recovering substance use disorder patients: its prevalence and mediation of the relationship between childhood trauma and dissociation. International Journal of Mental Health and Addictions, 17(2), 206-216, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-0011-9

Pietkiewicz, I.J., Nęcki, S., Bańbura, A, & Tomalski, R. (2018). Maladaptive daydreaming as a new form of behavioral addiction. Journal of Behavioural Addictions, 7(3), 838-843. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.7.2018.95 Basirnia, M. (2022). The Role of Maladaptive Daydreaming and Emotional Cutoff in Social Network Addiction of Young Generation. A thesis submitted to The Islamic Azad University, Science and Research Branch, Tehran, Iran. (this one is just an abstract, the paper itself is in Farsi and I couldn't find a DOI for it, the abstract is interesting though!)

trying to keep the maddness away

i haven't been here in a while, but i will say that this madd thing has actually ruined my life and my mental health. there's been some good paracosms that are not such a negative impact but I've been dealing with a certain one that has turned borderline limerence. it has severed my logic and my thoughts to the point where I can't think reasonably. I can't tell what's real and what's not. It has fused with my reality, with my perception, where I believe the things that I daydream about are true. my brain has come to believe those things are real. and it's so confusing, harmful and hurtful. depressing. because it's not real.

I really want to get rid of this paracosm, I've been trying since the start of the year, but it's super hard, I keep relapsing. I've giving it two full years of my life; it has horribly consumed me. how does anyone deal with a toxic harmful paracosm? how does one get rid of it for good?

i feel my psyche has been tampered with. I need help. I want my life back.

- Cassie

Before everyone started using "system", the medical term for people with DID/OSDD was multiple. Maybe we should say that plurality is possible without trauma but not multiplicity? Idk just a thought

I think this was what they originally tried to do when coining plurality, to separate it from "multiple" which was seen as more medical, but it didn't really work. And the word Multiple was used by non-disordered systems before "plural" was. And with ongoing studies into all forms of plurality referring to it as multiplicity, it's not a realistic break to happen now.

And I guess I just don't see a reason to differentiating in this way. Most already say that DID can't exist without trauma. OSDD is highly associated with trauma though there's hardly any research into it. I think the disorder names are the actual important medical terms here, not less defined words like "multiple" or "system."

From what I recall, your own system has MADD, and some of your alters started off as paras who developed as you interacted with them. Fundamentally, this isn't much different from how tulpamancers create tulpas. Do you feel your non-traumagenic headmates are less a part of the system than other members?

One obvious differentiating factor is the functionality of the system as a whole... but often, that varies. With enough time, you can reach healthy multiplicity if that's your goal. (Fusion would be valid too, of course.)

Imagine yourselves some years down the road, when you've made it to a post-recovery stage, no longer experiencing the symptoms that have negatively impacted your lives. For all intents and purposes, your system could be considered functionally non-disordered. (Functionally, because the diagnosis sticks around for life in case a relapse happens, but this is more of a contingency so you won't have to be re-diagnosed. It doesn't mean a relapse will happen or even that it's likely.)

Okay, let's give a real example...

The above article tells the story of a DID system who undergoes integration, though not final fusion. In the end, three alters remain in her system

Toward the end of her therapy (a period of more than a year or so), we began discussing what life would be like after integration of her system of personalities. In Darlene’s case, all of her alters integrated before the last year of therapy, save for two of them. She retained co-consciousness with a sense of personal agency with these two. The first one she created initially for the purpose of functioning optimally at work when there was an emergency, and the other alter personality would come forward for running marathons and training. It’s quite interesting that her system thought it best to retain these two personalities as separate and distinct, the only ones created outside of experiencing clear defensive threat. During our many discussions about life after integration, we talked about how Darlene would use her time/energy management because there came to be an emerging massive internal silence and solitude--which was a very big change. I held space for Darlene as she mourned the loss of many alters, and she decided to make meaning of these changes by feeling into a sense of them in her heart space. They had not been banished, “killed off” or died; their functions were now to support the body in a different way, a way that felt right for her. In one of our later sessions Darlene remarked, “I don’t have multiple personality disorder anymore. I’m a family of three loved ones inside now.”

In the end, Darlene's system has fused so that the only alters that remain are alters that didn't originate from trauma. While the system was traumagenic, every remaining member is endogenic. And the system as a whole can be considered functionally non-disordered. Perhaps the origin of the system was trauma, but at this point, there seems to be little difference between them and a purely endogenic system in terms of functionality.

I guess I just see the point in drawing these unnecessary lines between the experiences when so many of those lines blur together.

One thing I do need to say my dear void, is that there are some things I am still lying about. Some things that the real world isn't ready to know about me. Here is one:

I barely eat anymore. I keep being praised for my weight loss. They don't know that my mouth tastes strange and my body reeks of acetone. They don't know that my hands are always shaking. They don't know what it's costing me to lose the weight. I try to tell them. I really do. But they aren't worried. Not yet. I think it will take 80lbs before they start to worry.

Blue is a little worried. As usual, he's the only one that's noticed. But I think the other details of my maddness distract him. He doesn't quite realize this is likely the most dangerous thing I'm doing. He didn't know me the last time this happened. He doesn't know enough to consider this a relapse.

The sad thing is, the last time this happened, no one ever became concerned. I was praised for it. It wasn't until my college roommate saw me without a shirt that someone finally said it might not be a good thing. But she didn't know me before the wieght loss. She didn't know how fast it had disappeared, that the headaches weren't normal before, or that I didn't used to be so cold. She didn't know how worried she should be. She was so young, she took my excuses and believed them.

Burgandy is encouraging me to keep going more than anything. She always has. Once again, I'm busy enough that it doesn't concern her how I'm losing the weight. She's just happy that I am. Burgandy was always very concerned with my appearance. I've tried telling her but she always thinks it's mere forgetfullness. A matter of education or planning. When she had this problem, a bit of education was all it took. She doesn't realize I know exactly what I'm doing and I just don't care.

I think Gray is more aware of whats happening than he lets on. He keeps making food and offering it to me. That's usually the only time I eat any meaningful amount, I can't say no to him. I think because he sees me eat when he gives me food, Gray doesn't realize its more than forgetfulness. He also trusts Burgandy a bit too much when it comes to me. Burgandy was able to pull out of this nosedive at the last minute, he assumes I will too.

To be honest, I probably will pull out of this...when it gets far enough. Its so morbidly addictive. Its also strangely empowering. They can hide all of the weapons and keep track of my whereabouts. But a war of attrition cannot be so easily stopped. Its a war I can wage right in front of their eyes and no one will ever know.

Why did everyone hate the slim shady lp

Scream, shout it out loud now, "FUCK YOU SLIM!"Ĭause my voice sounds wack when its done by him Ken Kaniff kid, got you screaming who's realĨ mile then, and now you live in BluefieldĪnother diss song that will rip your asshole You're a bitch with no clip in your gun, you ain't a felon What you? Cause then you know what I'm telling I saw you holding hands the other night with Dr. I shouldn't talk about your boyfriend like that, Slim Proof's getting jealous, so he signed to MaverickĪnd Timberlake too, now that Britney passed it Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's backĪ-tisket a-tasket, man I get my ass lickedīy little Slim baby, he's obsessed with f****ts One blonde-haired rapper likes it inside, likes it inside, likes it inside, yeeeaaaah One blonde-haired rapper likes it inside, likes it inside, likes it inside "Without You" - The Ken Kaniff Show - (Parodies "Without Me") Ĭause, I'm not saying it about Dre, you know what I mean, Eminem whatever "Ken Kaniff" - The Marshall Mathers LP " Curtains Close" - The Eminem Show - (Parodies "Without Me") Ken: You want me to fuckin' melt in your mouth and not in your hand? Melt in your ass, ya little cockboy? Ken: Yeah, you want me to lick your ass, Eminem? Ken: Ken Kaniff from Connecticut, little bitch. Ken: Ken Kaniff, from Connecticut (automated piece of shit). Operator: At the tone, please state your name. Give 'em a piece of my mind a piece of my ass. You can help Eminem Wiki by expanding it. This article has not been contracted with Shady Records. He is also on Twitter, and he is followed by Jonah Hill. In 2002, he got his own album, The Ken Kaniff Show, where it is confirmed that he is in fact, a pedophile. Outside of his roles within Eminem's skits and songs, he was given a place as one of the major characters on The Slim Shady Show, where he is portrayed as a skinny red-haired Caucasian in reality he is a dirty blond with a mustache that works for Krohn Media. Ken can later be heard on The Marshall Mathers LP 2 singing a parody of "Berzerk" in a bathroom at the end of "Wicked Ways" on the deluxe version and the end of "Evil Twin" on the standard edition album. He apparently accompanies his freestyle with a tap dance. On Relapse, he is also presented on the outro of the album in a skit at the end of the song "Underground," where he once again parodies songs from the album ( Relapse + Relapse: Refill songs "My Mom" and "We Made You") in a session of people struggling with some kind of dependency. On The Eminem Show, the character appears in a skit called "Curtains Close", where he steps up to an empty stage with no audience and parodies the intro of the song, "Without Me" in the microphone, changing the words to sound homosexual. He appears on the song, "Criminal," saying "amen" when Eminem tells him to give him an "amen". On The Slim Shady LP, Ken has his own skit in which he calls Eminem and proposes to him multiple gay practices in a hotel room on which Eminem just laughs and also Eminem mentions rapper Cage (with whom he had beef at the time) when he asks Ken, "Yo, who is this, Cage?" On Madd Rapper's album, "Tell 'Em Why U Madd" in 1999, he appears in intro of the 9th track of album, "Stir Crazy." He returns on The Marshall Mathers LP, once again in a skit named after him, where he receives fellatio by Shaggy and Jay - this skit is the, therefore, diss against the group, Insane Clown Posse. Ken is portrayed as having an expansive imagination coupled alongside a distinctly psychopathic mind state which rationalizes both pedophilia and an irrational hate for minor authority figures. The character, as he appears on The Marshall Mathers LP, has since been voiced exclusively by Eminem, while Aristotle's original version of Ken still exists as a bisexual, adult male still attending high school. However, a dispute between him and Eminem resulted in both artists severing ties. He was originally made and voiced by Aristotle on the skit "Ken Kaniff" on The Slim Shady LP. Ken Kaniff aka Ken Kenneth (Tony Maloney Rose) is a recurring character in skits and, initially, songs on Eminem's albums. You can help Eminem Wiki by organizing itĬriminal Charges: Child Molestation, Sexual Abuse Martial Status: Unknown (Most Likely Single) Children: 1 (Adopted & Fostered) Gender: Male

Riku going on about how deep they were in maladaptive daydreaming while being in a permitted rare moment of approved and monitored MaDD behavior as a "treat" (its a scene and part in the story theyve been working to get to for two years) and then wondering why they feel dissociative, disorientated, and like shit thinking back to when they were unchecked in regards to MaDD

We were planning to have me go to the gym for a bit (I am) and they were like "fuck I feel so disconnected and sluggish and idk if I could or feel like getting XIV for his gym time, maybe Ill just listen to the Loki sound track (consistent MaDD worsener) and just run and think about the scene"

And Im just here like "nah give me the front or Im revoking your right to spend most of your day thinking about the story" ☠️

Its honestly kind of ironic but honestly MaDD is insidious like that and while they deleted the post talking about it so that they don't get prompted too much to revisit the memories of being deep in MaDD, inherently the deeper into MaDD they get, the harder it is to communicate and switch with other parts

Riku: Im remissed with MaDD and havent had a relapse in a couple years cause the system checks me really well and I try to let them because I become neglectful to them and they / I deserve better from myself than that

Also Riku: I know I am actively given a permit to do dangerous-to-relapse behavior and am probably going to do things that get me further down the spiral because I kinda feel like shit when Im not engaging in said behavior, this is fine

Me: Riku give me the front or we are banning writing for a week minimum cause you are doing the thing

Riku: :|

Riku: ...fine youre right

Honestly it is true that we / Riku are in remission, but in said remission, we chose to preserve and foster the good aspects of MaDD through self awareness, established rules and boundaries, and checks to prevent a proper relapse while still keeping good shit in our life. Even in remission, that awareness and diligence is never really done

Relapsed

On 14 August 2011, I write about how I failed the attempt to stop daydreaming:

“I’m in it again, completely. I hate not being myself but I love this world (paracosm). Now I realise that I live my life just when it’s better than the dream, just when it’s worth living... I want more! I NEED more, otherwise I risk to die after living someone else’s life.”

Cry yourself to sleep and wake up feeling numb

Google how to stop being sad

Read endless amounts of forums/blogs/site comments talking about how they got over depression

Tell yourself things are going to be different from now on and "mean it"

Begin the journey by "embracing life" for like ... 1 minute

Realize you hate this shit and you're not going to get better or change any time soon

Refer back to step 1

Again, been so well recently and now everything’s come tumbling down. I really wanna die but I’ll settle for self harm.

madd relapse, y'all know what that means! *cannot sleep*

[ BY WTFISMYMENTALHEALTH !! :D ]

🌿 Ana !

🌿 5'3"

🌿 ~35 bmi

🌿 Not saying my highest weight yet.

🌿 I am professionally diagnosed !

🌿 ED started almost 2 years ago actually... As a shitty replacement for my BED lol

🌿 Yeah, this is a relapse, dw Im just as disappointed-

🌿 Never recovered before, sadly. Just developed another ED.

🌿 Eh,,,,,, maybe when I reach my ugw. Then I'll consider.

🌿 I absolutely DESPISE my arms, aside from me being dysphoric of mt chest.

🌿 Dont have a favorite body part, but I like to see/feel my ribs and arm bones :]

🌿 The weirdest ED thing I do is just,,, surprisingly not give a shit about calories until Im in public. THEN suddenly portions dont matter its the stupid ass numbers on the back of my juice boX /hj

🌿 God, I hate laxatives... But I wish I could use em more often. Shit isnt clogging my bootyhole anymore u_u /jjjjjjjj

🌿 I HAVE EMECTOPHOBIA SOBS

🌿 Sadly I binge :"D

🌿 I TRY TO RESTRICT,,,, ITS KINDA HARD WHEN YOU LOVE FOOD.

🌿 I gave up on exercising years ago, trying to start again.

🌿 Sadly my period is still here. Gonna wait for the T to do that though.

🌿 OH UH 10 LBS IN A WEEK, 1/1.5 A DAY IS THE MOST IVE EVER LOST. HOKY SHIT THAT WAS WILD

🌿 LOSE. LOSE I do NOT want to stay at 190 lbs Im living someones nightmare rn

🌿 Don't count calories in private anymore, but usually a small amount proportion wise.

🌿 100-90 lbs. Originally it was 70 lbs, but apparently that is completely unobtainable amd I kiiinda wanna be alive after this :skull

🌿 Sadly not hit any of my goals yet.

🌿 Yeah ! MAD, Schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), BPD, ASD, ADHD, MADD, C-PTSD !

🌿 Thinner hair, muscle loss, more fautiged than usual, my shitty diet choice is making me loose iron-

🌿 Parents have to be informed of my diagnoses so they know (BUT WONT DO ANYTHING ABT IT MY MOM DOESNT EVEN BELEIVE IN EDs which is more conserning than helpful Its weird getting ED tips from your mom)

🌿 Sure, idc if people know or not. Just dont do that "please eat for me!!!!! " bullshit its ANNOYING-

🌿 Eh.