#like this ive always been like this stupid useless cant fucking do anything cant fix my shit just fucking wallowing and angry and doing
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#toy txt post#i guess i just need to find a different job since this one seems to be. not great for me#but i also like. dont know what wont be bad for me. like sorry i just dont think there are jobs that are accessible to me that arent going#to feel Like This#at least in some way. and this one has good insurance and shit. and if i can get my shit together it has fucking. paid community service#time that i could theoretically use to like. volunteer at the aquarium or smth and have a day off for it and get paid by my job#which could be a foot in the door to a career that i am interested in but im just fucking. stuck and fatigued and in pain and wallowing and#have no fucking energy and i cant do anything and im fucking nocturnal and i joke about it and i was fine with it but i hate it i hate#not seeing the fucking sun and i miss my old job which is INSANE but i know what i miss about that job was#that it was part time. and i regret not doing more with that#but im also allergic to normal hours i guess i dont fucking know#i know part of it is prolly just feeling profoundly out if control of my life so i just stay up bc at least thats quiet time for me#w no expectations but thats not even tru bc i shoukd be at least doing my fucking laundry or smth cos it would make sense#and the fucking answer to so many of my issues rn is like just do that then or just stop doing that then but i cant i dont know why im just#like this ive always been like this stupid useless cant fucking do anything cant fix my shit just fucking wallowing and angry and doing#nothing and its just gotten worse cos now i have fucking chronic pain and fatigue and now i REALLY do FUCKALL#im depressdd and anxious and in pain i should get a therapist but thats hard and i dont fucking trust ppl#i should move out and maybe that would help bc i wouldnt feel like i have to wear a mask around my own house but im barely functioning#as is w a lot of support from my mom i cant fucking live on my own#not to mention the whole country being so fucking. Bad rn. ive done nothing all day not even resting#and tomorrow ill wake up too late and be in a rush and in pain and tired and just#i dont fucking know#im so miserable and lately so many topics can just send my stupid little brain just Spiralling but i dont want to say that i dont want ppl#to feel weird for talking about fucking college. i dont want to sit here being so bitter that something in my brain broke about school#im happy for ppl who can do their fucking college shit i just. smth wrong in my brain and i cant dwell on it and i try not to be too#outwardly negative about it cos i dont want ppl to feel like they cant talk to me about it or smth idk#rambling and venting and im gonna hit tag limit lmao for sure#been having the same goddamn problems nonstop for my whole life and its just that i cant fucking do anything#i have too much shit i should rid of#whatever
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scheduled meltdown post of the night, hugs and kisses (dont rb/rply)
ever consider how its all just been a long, neverending stretch of emptiness. constantly waiting and waiting and waiting. a lifetime spent settled between the cracks, not really existing in any space at all... every fucking day has been this. literally just this exact same day as far as i can remember where imjust fucking sad alone in a room. and i dont know . i think abt all the days ive spent like tht: how theyre uncountable at this point, and im jsut fucking miserable and so hopeless to stop it. and they slip by me, now. so, so many in this endless fucking onslaught of more empty, wasted fucking times and more days to point to to think about wht a mistake it is to be alive, how it just is not worth it, more days of it refusing to ever improve as its all, always just been this downwards spiral and ... do you kno wht i mean. like no matter wht i do i just end up back here: more alone and sadder than i was before like its just. reaffirming to me tht ive been RIGHT and man!!! why am i not right- there really is no actual damn answer tht anything or anyone can provide, ive never been able to find any comfort in all these years bc i jsut dont think there fucking ever is gonna be one man. like theres never going to be a reason to be alive and i really have just ... wasted my own time being miserable and proving to myself that which i already know and i jsut. fuck man i dont know.
god escapism has its problems. for one it isnt workin tonight but also god. fcking hell even trying to think abt reality in the most basic of fucking terms... i forget how much tht makes me fuckin break down sometimes. i dont want to be anywhere any more. i dont wnt to think abt what life i might have to lead if i keep going on. the thought of fucking waking up every day for years jsut fucking makes me lose it and i cant take it. i cant take being alive like this!!! and yet what is there to do, king, bc this is just the only thing i can ever manage or ever achieve - it’s all i seem to be worth!!!!! and im just sad im sad bc i just cant do anything and nothing feels right and i cant stand the thought of anything and i feel alone i feel so alone all the damn time do you kno wht i mean like i just dont know whts wrong with me, i fucking wish i could, but for all the trying to fix it and not fix it and fix it again it just never means anything and . i dont wnt to be tht guy constantly reopening old wounds but its impossible bc its like. thats all there ever is and im so , so , so fucking sick of it. its so fucking sick and immature to still be crying abt all the ways you’ve felt alienated back to fucking. god knows. early childhood and yet thts just... the only thing you have , and the only thin tg theres ever been thats a constant is just . sitting in a dark room! alone! fucking sobbing! thinking abt all the other times youve felt trapped like this ! how each time you fucking breakdown it doesnt matter bc no ones ever going to actually care but . then u think. man honestly i rlly wouldnt care either and i dont i dont wnt to be alive for me, i cant fucking stand it i cant fucking cope with it , babe. im so bloody useless at everything and it isnt even funny. nothing brings me any happiness but on such a fucking superficial stupid level and its so fleeting and impermanent and i wish it could substantiate it but i cant man i cant live like that , i cant ljsutlive my life fucking forcing it down my throat when i just cant cope with the rest of this like babe i cant function ihavent functioned right in years. im coasting and have been for such a long, long fucking time but its going to run out and its coming up so fast . i dont know how i will do it. i dont have the will to fucking eat half the time, or the will to wake up ebcause i just know its not going to matter a damn thing. i cant claw my way back and im not worth saving and i jsut keep thinkin abt how im really gonna end up fuckin dead and its going to be like all the days like today where nobody knows and its going to pass and it was all just that, every instance of my life was jsut fucking like that and it never mattered a single second never fuckin mattered i was miserable and i was right! not only that but everyone was right abt me, tht i wa sjust this! always was going to be just this and and god where am i goin with this i dnt know. i dont know i just sometimes wish i had something, anything, at this point i just i dont know im sad im sad and i want wht i cant have i want to feel pretty and loved and feel some sort of anything for anything but i can t and i jsut fucking hang around in an empty room crying and even the shit i used to do it sjust makes me burst into tears to the point where all i can stand is the most mind numbing fucking mobile game tht i can repeat for hours and hours until i pass out and i cant think it cant be anything where i can think or else its gone babe and
like hell god ok god bitch. again with the old wounds. i just think about all the fucking times in the past ive jsut felt that aching loneliness and how when i was younger it was easy to think tht i jsut kept trying someone might like me and not just in a novelty way but might actually take me seriously on some fuckin lovel but it jsut never happens i just. i feel like the best i can ever be is jsut . a fucking punchline or some stupid shadow tht jsut ends up following ppl around and i try i reall y have tried in the past but just every single time i just ... like its online and offline and its with anyone and everyone and i dnt know. my family dont love me and i jsut. idk . some ppl talk abt how quarantine has affected them in terms of loneliness but it has not.. changed anyhting in that regard for me its justbeen this i dont talk to anyone theres been years where i didnt and it did nothing but made it harder for me to function i didnt fucking see anyone for years and i can go months and months without a single person realising i exist and i jsut hate it man. i just hate it and how tired i am and how much it takes and how even if i do expend all the energy i have i jsut end up rotting and miserable and even more upset because in those cases i ve tried and ive wanted and ive still ended up sad and alone bc thts what happens then! when i do try i just get all cut up bc im still not good enough and never good enough , and i dont know why im just not good enough for anything but again i just. i feel like ive been shutting down for years now bc i cant do anything its not just this ! its everything the most fundamental parts abt me and i dont know. ive always had lots of issues with tht but i jsut... its uncontrollable now it really fucking is i try to do uni work and my heads just swimming and none of it connects i cant fucking pt anything together i cant fucking function cant get up cant manage i jsut. why should i man why and its like. i give up i really do but its like. so what i say i give up wht does THAT even matter bc its just me fucking screaming at myself and its as ever unchanging as everything seems to be. i can try and it means nothing i can keel over and die and it means nothing i just want to shake and break something and to feel like i exist and ppl can still fuckn see me and idk i was a brat fucking kid and heaven knows i fucking deserved half i got but fuckn sometimes i wnt to just feel at least some of tht again just fuckn anger and upset at least and to burn and to act out but even that just . i know it runs hollow in the end and its still so meaningless its still nothing bc at the end of the day nobdy is gonna love u and u still fucking die empty . what was i saying. fcking god i feel so gross im sweating its 5am i have shit to do at 9am, i ahev a meeting i have to minute at noon im going to screw it all up i just keep doing that babe! i just k
#egg.txt#suicide mention#just all loads of emo shite#god i cant sleep tonight and im just having a MOMENT you know
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Chess [17] - {ShikaTema AU}
Despite all odds, and thinking I wouldn’t have got inspired to do it, here is Chapter17; brought to you on New Years Day as I planned :)
I dedicate this (which I never do) to the badass people who I’ve only spoken to a little bit, but have been so damn kind about my work and are just great people.
Enjoy :)
[Read / Comment on AO3 Here]
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Nothing could quite compare to how Temari felt in this exact moment, nor could she relate any experience in her life to the underlying fear that had resonated since Saturday night; that ever-present pang of hurt that clung to her chest and send shivers down her spine.
Gaara, as expected, had been as helpful as he could be. When she got home, after the false smiles and tired eyes played well in front of Kankuro, she made a beeline for his room, and found him sat in bed, reading as he waited. There he had sat, looking at her with a gaze that was equal parts exhausted and excited, but it took only one proper look at her for his arms to open up. And, obviously, she ran to him.
All she’d done was explained. The evening had been pleasant, despite the fact that he was late, and very much despite the fact that he wasn’t willing to give her up as a therapist. She was not going to be any use to him anymore—she must’ve told Gaara that a hundred times over, but nothing seemed to make him speak. As always, her little brother sat and listened intently, holding her close until she eventually calmed down and fell asleep in his arms. When she’d woken up he was on the floor with a blanket and a pillow, his red hair spread messy, and she couldn’t help smiling. He was definitely her big brother at heart.
Both Sunday and Monday had been days of false smiles and hiding, reading every file but his in an attempt to recollect her thoughts and not be useless, but every road felt like it lead back to him. Every phrase that fell from a patient’s mouth felt inferior, and, while on the Monday she had her first patient who was ready to stop coming to see her, she felt no fulfilment.
She thought knowing him had been making her happy, but now she felt almost nothing at all.
But that whole time had been leading up to this moment. For two days she’d been waiting to hear that door click, torturing herself by reading his file over today’s lunchtime, and trying her absolute best to keep up with everything people said to her. Without a doubt, though, she had never felt more on edge in her life, and she stared at the doorknob, just waiting for it to turn.
As the metal glinted as it moved, Temari wanted nothing more than to hide away behind her desk or disappear away, never to return. Instead she braced herself, took a deep breath, and desperately searched for a positive in the situation.
Three-fifty-four, she noted the time. He’s early for once.
“Hi,” she mumbled, forcing a smile.
“Hi. Sorry.”
“Come sit down,” she instructed, adjusting her position on her chair. “Are you, um, doing alright today?”
All Shikamaru could do in response was nod, rubbing his neck nervously as he stepped closer. “Well, this is awkward.”
“It’s not!” she lied. “So have you had any problems since Friday?”
It was his turn to lie, shaking his head.
“Really? None?”
And again. “No.”
“How’re your family?”
Suddenly there was a smile on his face, and she could feel herself getting riled up; confused by it’s appearance. “You’ve got no idea how to talk to me now, have you?”
Temari gulped, her palms sweating. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“This is horrible,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “It feels like we’ve never even met before.”
“That’s what I was going for. You were the one who said forget about everything, Shikamaru. I’m forgetting it.”
“I didn’t mean forget how to be a normal human being.” Shikamaru sighed, sitting back into the sofa and biting his lip as his eyes looked everywhere but at hers. “I meant go back to before what happened—I meant be yourself, Tem.”
“Temari,” she argued, correcting him. “And that’s difficult, given that I knew this would happen and yet you just had to come back.”
“Tem—”
“And now I can’t help you.”
The spark that was fighting to stay alive in his eyes suddenly went out, and his arms folded across his chest, sloppy like a ragdoll. His gaze flew towards the window, and like a statue he was at once immovable.
Temari felt a lump in he throat. “Shall I grab the board?”
He didn’t move.
“Okay then, shall I just go fuck myself?”
She thought she saw that slight smile wriggle its way back onto his lips, but when she blinked it was gone. “Why don’t you just ask me about Asuma?” he mumbled. “You were on a fucking roll on Friday until I stopped you.”
“Your teacher?” She frowned. “Is there more for you to say about him? You already covered a lot of it then.”
He laughed, humourlessly. “Forget it then, jeez.” She could see his eyeballs flickering side to side, lulling closer to closing as he watched the clouds. “It’s as if you’ve forgotten your job.”
The recurring desire to punch him was crawling back to her, stronger than it ever had. “My job, Shikamaru is to help you understand yourself, and to make you feel better. And, to be really honest with you, right now I have no idea how to do that whatsoever.”
“Brilliant.”
“Will you just shut up?” she shouted, burying her face in her palms.
Shikamaru could see just from the whiting of her knuckles out of the corner of his eyes how uncomfortable she was, and the sharpness of her voice wasn’t something he was used to. Why had he at any point thought that this was going to be different from this? Did any sane part of him really think that she wouldn’t be mad at him in some way, shape or form? Of course he didn’t, so why was he so surprised that she was upset, infuriated. She almost looked broken, and the same insane part of him that was so riddled with hopeful denial wanted nothing more than to mend her somehow.
But, then again, she was Temari—from what she’d told him she was the strongest person she knew. Surely some stupid skinny asshole hadn’t shattered that person to a nervous wreck. She wasn’t like him; or, at the very least, he didn’t want to think that she felt at all like he did right now.
“Temari, I’m sorry, I—”
“I don’t want you to apologise to me. I don’t want you to even mention it.” Her eyes, bloodshot and angry stood in agreement, but Shikamaru couldn’t help thinking they didn’t give the whole picture.
He leant forward in his seat, hands locked together between his knees. His gaze turned solely on her, desperately trying not to waver and determined to not look away again. “I’m sorry I came back.”
“I just cannot believe I called you selfless, Shikamaru. You’ve come back here purely for yourself, like you don’t realise how genuinely hard this is for me to continue with!”
“We went on one date…”
“Which was one too many, Shikamaru! I—” She stopped herself abruptly, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I almost fucking kissed you!”
He gulped, eyes falling to the floor.
“I’m sorry. Did you actually want to talk about Asuma?”
“If you want me to. If it helps me get better then sure,” he mumbled, nodding.
“That’s so important to you, isn’t it? Getting better.” Her voice was almost bitter, but she masked it well with her soft smile. “That overrides everything.”
Shikamaru’s shoulders drooped. “I mean, obviously it’s important to me, but I wouldn’t say it ‘overrides everything’.”
“So, if you were to have the chance to do something that would make you genuinely happy but it would stop you getting better, you’d do it?”
He raised his head again, shaking his head with the most surprising smile yet. “I know exactly what you’re saying. My IQ is through the roof remember.”
“I never said anything about—”
“But I know that’s you’re saying. I know what can make me better, and I will do it. When I’m better I can do the things I want to do…”
It was Temari’s turn to feel her stomach fill with guilt. Despite the anger that rushed through her body, and the insane temperature at which her blood was boiling, for reasons she couldn’t quite pin down, she suddenly felt herself go cold at the sight of his smile. Not calm—no she was definitely still infuriated with him—but genuinely chilled. So many times she had looked at him and seen nothing but his usual melancholic veil of false calm, having no idea what was really happening under than dark hair and what was really inside his heart. Never had she known exactly what he was going to say; she just wasn’t able to pin him down like that.
Until now, because, strangely, he could feel it herself. So many things at once, rushing around; always taking blame and never placing it for so many unforgotten mistakes and could-have been moments, trapped in a loop of hostility towards himself that made his fingers tap anxiously…she could see it all. And, despite all her instincts as a therapist, she couldn’t bear to watch anymore.
“Most of them, anyway,” he added finally, one corner of his mouth raising, as if to convince her he was okay, really.
It didn’t work.
“I’m sorry. I never should’ve agreed to go out with you.”
Shikamaru shook his head, a deep frown carved into his expression. “Stop it. You have nothing to apologise for.”
“But, I—”
“You’re only trying to help me,” he acknowledged. “It’s my fault that I’m back here, and it’s my fault that I’ve painted myself with an extra layer of pain every hour since Saturday, and I’ve kept adding to it; checking my phone, almost calling you, almost calling here yesterday. I know its entirely my own fault, and yet I can’t shake it off.” He let out a huge sigh, squeezing his eyes shut as his head shook, trying to displace his thoughts. “I just can’t fix it.”
As she watched him haul himself to his feet, zipping up his hoodie blind, Temari felt her boots violently hit the ground and soon she, too, was on her feet, making a beeline for him. When she’s turned the corner of her desk, her hips swaying rapidly as she sped walked, she reached out to grab his arm, but his eyes flew open, and he stepped back, crossing them across his chest.
“Don’t.”
“Shikamaru—”
“Don’t, it’s fine,” he whispered, trying to stop himself listening to his own words. “I won’t come back.”
Temari was too frozen by far too many emotions to move a muscle, and so she watched hopelessly as the young man paced towards the door—faster than she’d ever seen him walk—lingering with his fingers on the door handle. She thought, maybe, that he’d look up. Or maybe he’d turn and give her one final smile—one last hurrah.
Silently he nodded once, and twisted the knob, leaving as silently as he’d entered. It took seconds for Temari to collapse on the sofa he’d just been sat on, perturbed by the warmth of spot he’d just been in, and pull her phone from her pocket. Quickly, swallowing all of her emotions and whatever pride she had left, she dialled her most called number and listened to the beeps of it ringing, and ringing, and ringing…
“Gaara,” she said to the answerphone, not caring whether he listened now or in three hours, just desperate to speak to someone or something. “Please say you’re going to the pub quiz tonight with trenchcoat-guy. I really want to come—hell I’ll even pay for your drinks, just let me come. Please!” She was aware how painful her begging was, so after a long, deep breath, she uttered the real truth, “I just really need a bloody drink.”
Outside, at the bus stop in the pouring rain, a young man put his phone to his ear and uttered very similar words. “Choji,” he sighed down the phone, “please tell me you can meet me tonight?”
“Man, I’ll be at work from six onwards, but Ino’s probably free if—”
“I’ll come. I need you, man.” He did, and his friend’s vague company would be better than loneliness tonight. He couldn’t do it tonight.
~~~
Temari knew that every other Tuesday her youngest brother would come to the pub, drink with his friends, and play some quiz she’d never considered taking part in. What she didn’t know was that said brother was really, really good at it. And, while that inevitably made her feel a bit stupid and a little more downtrodden given the day she’d already had, it definitely had it perks. Perks which consisted of a lot of free drinks for winning each round.
The clock had barely struck ten and she was convinced at this point that she’d drunk a bucket’s worth of cocktails. Never had she considered herself a cocktail person—she had always been a ‘beer-out-of-the-can’ kind of girl, with the odd gin-and-tonic of someone else could be bothered to make her one. So, unsurprisingly, the pitchers of cocktails their quiz team had one, and she had drunk, had gone straight to her head.
Temari could hold her alcohol with the big guns—she could out-drink Kankuro any day—but this was dangerous. These drinks tasted like fruit juice, and they just kept on coming. She was smart, and underneath the fuzziness and slurring, she was perfectly aware that this was not going well.
And, for once, she didn’t give a shit.
Shikamaru, on the other hand, did.
He’d spotted her the second she walked in, hiding expertly underneath his scarf so she didn’t notice him, and ever since he had been sat, hidden behind a pillar, hoping that she’d never leave her seat—never see him. She had as much right to be here as him, and yet he knew if she saw him she would get up and leave. Or, at least, she would’ve.
He hadn’t join in with the quiz, although Choji had violently urged him that he should, telling him he could get crisps or juice instead of the drinks they gave to winners if he just asked.
“Look,” he said as Shikamaru peered over at the blonde drinking some fantasy-coloured drink through a draw, “you can join in anytime. You’ll ace it if you do!”
“Choji,” he argued, “I didn’t come to play a game and eat crisps. I came to be with my mate and not be alone. If I’m going to feel sad anywhere, I may as well feel sad in a room full of noisy strangers.”
His friend had to stop himself reaching across the bar to hug him. “I’m sorry I have to work, man.”
“It’s fine. Just get me a drink.”
“Orange juice again?”
“No.” Shikamaru shook his head, biting on his lip. “Give me whiskey. Double.”
Choji’s eyes widened, and his forehead creased into a worried frown. “Man, I really don’t think you want to—”
“Choji…”
“The most you’ve drunk since you were eighteen is half a pint of weak-ass beer,” he winced, “and we all know you don’t enjoy drinking.”
Shikamaru fished out a five pound note and held it out to him. “God, you’re a pain. Keep the change, now come on.”
“Shikamaru, you don’t want this. You’ll hate me tomorrow.”
“I said double, Choji.”
The blank stare he sent his friend’s way was enough to make Choji feel as if he’d lost a war, and he could feel the pit of his stomach growing emptier as he looked into the bleak abyss of Shikamaru’s eyes. He was going to ask what had happened but now, as he unwillingly lifted the transparent bottle and measured the liquor as required, he didn’t have the nerve. Something about the lifeless urgency in the voice of his best friend made him feel broken, and after he thought it was all getting better, too.
He snatched the money and put the glass before Shikamaru. “If it weren’t for the fact that my manager is really specific with the ‘refusal of service’ rule, you would not be getting this. You’re an idiot.”
“Love you, too,” sighed Shikamaru, swirling the glass around.
“I thought you wanted to get better Shikamaru,” growled Choji, shaking his head, “but then you do this and just let yourself regress. I swear to God if it’s that girl—”
“It’s not her.” He knocked back the drink, squeezing his eyes shut. “Man, I forgot how shit that tastes.”
Choji only had to take one look at his blank slate of a face to know what was happening. “You’re going to bloody order another one, aren’t you?”
“And I thought you quit your day job as a psychic.”
The sarcasm didn’t even begin to amuse Choji, who shook his head and failed to find words. Only after he’d been called to help someone, minutes of staring at his expectant looking friend later, that he managed to speak. “Fine. But I’m not playing any part in it; ask someone else.”
Shikamaru frowned. “Choji, come on.”
“No,” his friend called back as he walked to the other end of the bar. “I can’t do it.”
After only a couple of minutes of longingly waiting for Choji to come back and throw in the towel, Shikamaru could feel himself falling into that familiar feeling of glee. Unfortunately, he knew it wasn’t real—sadly for his wallet one double wasn’t enough to fool him into genuinely feeling happy—hence the need for another. It had been so long since he’d allowed himself to do this. On occasions he’d always have one half and it would last him the whole night, and it would make him feel like he fitted in.
But this was no occasion; this was a desperate avoidance tactic, and he knew it. She was over there—the one person he simultaneously wanted to stare at the whole night and never wanted to see again—and he was painfully aware of it. He didn’t want to be aware of it.
He’d been to enough sessions with enough asshole therapists to know what he was doing, and he didn’t care—he didn’t care at all. There she’d been, suggesting to him that he was really only devoted to getting better, not feeling happy, and now he just wanted to scream, “Look at me!” until she took it back; until she took him back and rewired him as promise, fixed him as promised…
Of course, he didn’t do that. He couldn’t be bothered to do that. Instead he waved down the smiley brunette girl behind the bar and got himself the same again, and necked it instantly, forcing a smile at her afterwards when ordering another.
But the longer he sat there, the smaller he felt. It was like when he first did this, years ago, and it wasn’t washing over him the way he expected, the way he craved. Suddenly the bar stool he perched on felt to high, and his neck felt too cold, so he threw on his coat and hopped down, drinking that last whiskey and rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Choji, and he couldn’t go home or else his mother would yell at him for drinking after so long of holding back.
Choji was right, no matter how much he’d deny it out loud. This was all because of her, that troublesome woman. Through nobody’s fault but his own he’d built her up as this fantasy saviour; the beautiful woman who cared about him no matter what, in a way he’d never even imagined before. And as much as he’d laugh off the ridicule from his friends about his many lonesome years, he really had never thought of anyone like that. Before this—this bizarre, impossible to pin feeling—he’d never wanted to spend time with someone just for the sake of it, and he’d never wanted to listen to someone talk about nothing like he did her.
“This is it, isn’t it?” he mumbled, so quiet he could barely hear himself. “She’s got me.”
He couldn’t leave, but he could hide from her until she left, and from Choji until the whiskey ran it’s course. And where could he hide in this pub that she was guaranteed not to go? Well, there was only one place that came to mind.
However, in his slightly drunken state as he shuffled towards his destination, the first thing Shikamaru had managed to forget that Temari still had eyes, no matter how blurry their vision was, and obviously she spotted him immediately. Stumbling to her feet, she told Gaara she was just nipping to the bathroom, and took her bag with her, slung haphazardly across her shoulder.
The second thing he forgot was that she definitely had the nerve to follow him into the men’s bathroom, and that he definitely wasn’t safe from her in there.
So, when she edged open the bathroom door, as subtly as a drunk woman can, and found him smoking next to a half opened window, she fumbled for the latch at the top of the door, locking it quickly. “You don’t drink my ass.”
Numbed, Shikamaru turned slowly, frowning in surprised. “T-Temari? What’re you—”
“You didn’t actually want to go out with me, did you?” She slurred her words into what almost sounded like three long words, and immediately Shikamaru realised he wasn’t nearly as drunk as thought he was; or as he wanted to be.
“What are you talking about?” he sighed, exasperated.
“That’s why you didn’t make any effort to impress me. You didn’t want to did you?”
Shikamaru couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness, tapping his cigarette out of the window and letting the ash fly into the wind. “Of course I wanted to,” he insisted. “I’m just useless, Tem.”
She blinked expectantly at him, shaking her head constantly. “Bullshit.”
“Temari…”
“Temari, what?” she laughed, clearly unamused as she waved her arms about dramatically. “Temari, I’m sorry I’m a miserable git. Temari, I’m sorry I lied to you. Temari, I’m sorry I made you fancy me.”
He rubbed his eyes with one hand and took a drag with the other, strategically blowing the smoke through the window. Nothing was coming to mind to respond to her—nobody had ever silenced him in the way she did, cornered him like she did, terrified him like she did.
And he almost craved it.
Trying his best to smile, he squished the butt of his cigarette on the windowsill and left it there, turning to look at her. She looked all the more beautiful tonight, but something deep within the dark depths of the subconscious he loathed so much was telling him that was due to the alcohol in both their systems, and the rosy cheeks hers had graced her with.
With all her could muster, Shikamaru leant against the wall next to the window, hands in the pocket of his coat, before he finally opened his mouth to tell the brutal truth, “Temari, I’m sorry I couldn’t bare the idea of not seeing you again.”
Yeah, right, he mused inside his mind. As if she’s going to remember that tomorrow.
Suddenly, unexpected to him, Temari dropped her bag and advanced on him, walking in jagged lines—intense zig-zags—and he could feel his knees begin the shake. “What the hell are you doing, Tem?”
“You didn’t get it, did you?” she asked, pulling one hand from his pocket and placing it on her waist.
Gulping, Shikamaru tried his best to remove it and stay calm, but every time he almost escaped her loosening grip she grabbed his hand tighter. In the end he just kept it there, and stared into her gorgeous teal eyes with the most passive desperation. “What?”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips centimetres away from his. “Why I asked you to stop seeing me as a patient.”
When she bit her lip, despite all his attempts, Shikamaru felt his knees quiver more and more. “I, um,” he mumbled, voice managing to remain steady despite his body’s weakness. “I think I need to go find your brother, and—”
“No, please don’t,” begged Temari, her nose brushing against his so delicately.
There was no denying that he wanted to hold her, and he wanted to kiss her, just as she was clearly attempting. He couldn’t lie to himself and say he hadn’t had a sleepless night wondering what the hell would’ve happened if the other night this had happened instead of their sad reality. But he didn’t want it like this.
He could only just smell the floral notes of her perfume, over the alcohol that plagued the air, and while she smelt of sweet tropical juice rather than anything evenly mildly bad, he couldn’t change the truth: they were drunk, and he didn’t want it to happen this way.
“Temari,” he whispered. “Tem, are you paying attention?”
She hummed softly, her forehead flush against his now.
“We can’t do this, love.”
A soft moan fell from her lips, and the hairs on the back his neck stood on end. “Why not?” she whined.
“Because we’ll regret it,” he sighed, himself a little upset by the fact.
“I-I won’t,” insisted Temari, stubborn as ever.
“You will,” Shikamaru corrected, smiling slightly as he pushed her away. “Can I borrow your phone?”
She frowned and held onto his shoulders for support as she stumbled backwards. “Why?”
“I just want to let your brother know you’re okay.”
It took a long time of him standing with his hand out expectantly, but eventually Temari caved with a smirk and handed him her phone. While she wasn’t quite sure why she couldn’t have just done that, she didn’t question him. Probably because in that exact moment, she wasn’t quite sure about anything.
“There,” he mumbled, biting his lip as he handed it back. “I told him you’re getting some air and will probably make your own way home.”
“He won’t be fine with that.”
Buzz.
She looked down at her phone and the text message that appeared on the screen.
Gaara: Fine. See you later :)
“Okay, maybe he will,” groaned Temari, “but where the hell are we going?”
Shikamaru shrugged, hands in pockets as he watched, amused, as she tried to slot her phone into her bag. “I can take you home?”
“And risk Kankuro punching you?” she cackled laughing.
“Then that’s a no.”
“Take me home with you.”
He almost choked on his own spit. “What?”
“Please,” she whined. “Take me home with you.”
“No!”
“Why?”
“Because you’ll wake up in the night and punch me.” He could hear himself, and the melodrama he was spouting, but he still didn’t sound worried, as such.
“Then where?”
Shikamaru bit down on his lip and accepted the arm she slung around his shoulders. “I have an idea.”
~~~
“No.”
“But Choji,” he pleaded, this time taking the role of the whining one, “neither of us can go home.”
Choji shook his head. “I’m not giving you whiskey and letting you bang your therapist in the same night. I already feel like a shit friend as it is.”
“I’ve sabotaged myself here, man,” insisted Shikamaru. “And I promise we won’t do that. I just want to make sure she has somewhere to sleep, man.”
“She has a house!”
“Where she’ll talk about me and then everyone will feel even more shit than already.” He raised his eyebrows. “Man, I didn’t ask for her to follow me into the bathroom.”
Surprised, Choji’s mouth fell open. “She didn’t?”
“Yeah, she’s smashed.”
“She needs to go home.”
Shikamaru nodded, sighing.
“You’re still drunk, aren’t you?”
“Only with the words, man. Brain is doing fine.”
Choji raised his eyebrows and smiled at his friend, pulling him in for a hug, which Shikamaru begrudgingly accepted. “If you hug me back you can have the keys to my flat?”
The thinner man hugged tighter than he ever had.
“They’re in my coat out back. Use that door.”
Shikamaru smirked. He had a true friend in this guy, and he found out as much more every single day.
~~~
Temari sighed, throwing her spoon into the plastic bowl Shikamaru had given her and fell back into the couch. “I can’t believe we’re literally above a fish and chip shop and you didn’t let me buy any.”
“You shouted at the guy that you would ‘kiss in return for fish’.”
“Damn right I did,” she laughed.
Shikamaru chuckled. “And I thought I was the asshole.”
“You definitely are.”
“Tem, I just cooked you pasta at, like, twelve-a.m.”
“You’re right,” nodded Temari. “You’re a saint.”
He looked over at her and smiled, almost sadly. Choji’s flat was very small, a room with a bed and a wardrobe, and another with a small kitchen and a couch, but Temari had made herself right at home. He couldn’t help but admire how she did that. Not taking into account the fact that she was drunk out of her mind, he also couldn’t believed the way she was slowly sinking towards him, arms wrapping around him.
“You’re wonderful, Maru.”
His eyebrows raised. “Maru. New one.”
Temari looked up, hurt. “You don’t like it.”
“I don’t care,” he mumbled. “You go ahead.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, tracing patterns on his chest through his shirt. “You’re really wonderful.”
“You said.” If you couldn’t see inside his head, you’d have thought he was fed up of hearing that brilliant sentence. “You should go to sleep, Tem,” he added, changing the subject.
“I was stupid to make you feel so small. I made you feel like shit, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t,” he lied, letting her position his arms to hold her. “Just get some rest.”
“You’re wonderful, you know?”
Shikamaru smiled, the most real and fulfilling smile he’d had in a long time. “So are you, Tem. So are you…”
#shikatema#shikamaru nara#temari#fanfiction#shikamarutemari#shikamaru x temari#no sabaku#gaara#choji akimichi#Chouji Akimichi#romance#friendship#angst#love#self love#drinking#therapy#therapist#psychiatry#psychology#naruto#fan#fiction#fanfic#fic#au#alternative universe#modern#modern au
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One more P5 post
I wanna know how much time the creators spent arguing with people on twitter, considering the comments on the Phan-Site polls. Will put behind a cut.
I mean, they hit all sides from auto-believers, internet trolls, people who are like ITS STILL ILLEGAL!!! and THIS IS THE POLICE JOB pics or it didn't happen, whatever. But my favorites are "IF UR SO JUST, SHOW UR FACE", "I bet they're crying LOL", "Shibuya's fucked", "Hang in there you guys ;w;", "WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE", "world-famous fail looool", "kill this stupid website" or whatever else. Or the timeless “so wait, who do we hate?”
QUESTION: Do you believe in the Phantom Thieves?
This poll is adopted on 4/15.
0-10%
"'of hearts?' What tryhards"
"I've been waiting for this!"
"Isn't it just a prank?"
"Never even heard of them"
"Who made this site? Ridic"
"even kids aren't that dumb"
"gtfo with that shit LOL"
"is this a cult?"
"my friend says they're real!"
"sauce plz"
"viral marketing...?"
10-20%
"It's just a coincidence..."
"Petty criminals? Pointless"
"This is getting good!"
"Too elaborate for a prank"
"Vigilante justice is wrong."
"What about the pupils?"
"What's gonna happen now?"
"What's he gonna be hit w/?"
"i just can't"
"pics or it didn't happen"
"ppl really believe this? lmao"
"ppl who buy this... -_-"
"they can't catch EVERYONE"
"they're just making threats"
"thieves are the bad ones"
"was it rly a phantom thief?"
"what a joke"
QUESTION: Are the Phantom Thieves just?
This poll is adopted on 6/11.
10-20%
"Akechi-kun is right!"
"Isn't it a crime?"
"It's called the law..."
"NO! justice ain't that simple"
"NO. They piss me off."
"Steal dem corrupt hearts!"
"They seem full of it, so NO"
"They're still thieves..."
"They've always been fishy..."
"This is the police's job."
"better be arrested soon"
"don't even bother with this"
"get off your high horse"
"hmm seems interesting"
"i hate Akechi, so YES???"
"if ur so just, show ur face"
"they're allies of justice."
"they're up to something"
"this has to be fake, lol"
"this is so immature."
20-30%
"Isn't it a crime?"
"Probably at least somewhat"
"They seem full of it, so NO"
"They're cool, so HECKYEAH!"
"They're still thieves..."
"get off your high horse"
"i dont buy into that stuff."
"of course not. done"
"that "justice" stuff is ehh"
"this is so immature."
30-40%
"both are crossing the line"
"fukkin hypocrites"
"get rekt, scumbags lmao"
"Hang in there you guys! ;w;"
"I bet they're crying LOL"
"Neither are just"
"Shibuya's fucked"
"they're both shit."
"What cheapass justice, lol"
60-70%
"AGAIN, YAAAAAAS!"
"Such annoying marketing"
"Their word is final."
"better than the cops"
"i bet it's worldwide news"
"justice was w/ the thieves."
"what a time to be alive"
80-90%
"Calling card! YAAAAAAS!"
"Exterminate his family too!"
"Here comes the apology rofl"
"I've been waiting for this"
"Leave everything to them~"
"Make him beg!"
"No apology yet? :["
"Ooh, a calling card! kekeke"
"SO MANY COMMENTS OMG"
"Take him out. It's an order"
"The world needs to see this!"
"They better not screw it up"
"Yeah, get that greedy CEO!"
"an apology isn't enough."
"become prime minister plz!!"
"dat okumura stock drop lol"
"destroy all evil!"
"let's hear from the workers!"
"no more big bang burg, lmao"
"stop fucking around"
"we're with you, p.thieves!"
"❤❤❤ Phantom Thieves ❤❤❤"
On 10/12, the support rate drops from the 90s to the 70s due to the death of Kunikazu Okumura.
70-80%
"Is he really dead...?"
"Now, who's next? ;)"
"Well that was disturbing..."
"die capitalist pigs!!!"
"whoa wtf"
On 10/13, the support rate drops a bit again to the 60s.
60-70%
"Awww, what a waste"
"Evil has perished."
"Gotta break a few eggs"
"So, whodunnit?"
"Were we deceived?"
"do we know how they do it?"
"eh, good riddance"
"killing ppl's a no-no"
"omg, the comments hahaha"
"omg, they went overboard lol"
"they got carried away..."
"what about his daughter?"
Over the next week, the support rates drops to the 50s, 30s, and then 20s.
""justice" sounds hollow now"
"—DELETED BY ADMIN—"
"Are the calling cards fake?"
"Blame the politicians too."
"Bloodthirsty killers!!!"
"Enough is enough!!!"
"Even Akechi's lost it"
"False charges happen, but..."
"Hurry and arrest them"
"Hurry up and execute them!"
"I dare to support them."
"I kiiinda sympathize..."
"I reported this website."
"I told you so..."
"I'm scared to go outside..."
"Is the admin an accomplice?"
"No hate-slinging, please!" (a message from the admin, Mishima)
"Officer, look!"
"Oh how far they've fallen"
"Pls don't kill me ;_;"
"Police were negligent too."
"Shut this site down!!!"
"That was traumatizing..."
"They must be punished."
"They need to be executed"
"They were screwing with us."
"They're assassins."
"Ugh. We were fooled."
"We can't leave them be"
"What about the politicians?"
"awful, they betrayed us"
"bring on the breakdowns~!"
"cant say w/o evidence"
"cmon, just kill everyone!"
"didnt expect much anyway"
"got anything better to do?"
"he had it coming, amirite?"
"id bet money on the rest"
"its just coincidence, yep"
"just turn yourselves in pls"
"lel, regret backin em yet?"
"lol dont be fooled so easy"
"lol, ppl still like them?"
"low expectations, ho!"
"media's garbage as expected"
"overhyped imo"
"p quick to switch sides lol"
"support went to shit lmao"
"tbh i just wanna troll, lol"
"their fans are guilty too"
"they even steal LIVES???"
"they're just suspects..."
"throw em in the slammer!"
"trash talking feels risky..."
"typical bandwagon, gg"
"uhh, yea they're evil"
"waste of tax money imo"
"wat do they want, anyway?"
"world-famous fail loool"
QUESTION: Are the Phantom Thieves innocent?
This poll is adopted on 10/29.
Around 20%
"—DELETED BY ADMIN—"
"30 million yen OMG XD"
"Akechi-kun, save us!"
"Enough is enough!!!"
"False charges happen, but..."
"Is the admin an accomplice?"
"Oh how far they've fallen"
"Record-breaking evil"
"They gotta be arrested now"
"can't know w/o a trial"
"id bet money on the arrest"
"if ur innocent, show yourself"
"lol this place went to shit"
"ppl still stand by them?"
"that freaked me out omg"
"they're def guilty"
"they're freaking out hahaha"
"they're running loose rn..."
"this site pisses me off"
"waste of tax money imo"
"what if they are LOL"
"who cares either way?"
After the protagonist fakes his death, and approval drops to 0.3%.
"Akechi got the last laugh!"
"AKECHI IS BAE!!!"
"A worthy end for a villain"
"c'mon, leak his name!"
"Evil is destined to perish."
"he went down easy"
"hope things are safer now"
"Justice with Akechi!"
"Just like Akechi-kun said!"
"kid had it coming, lol"
"So did he do it or not!?"
"so he HAS to be guilty"
"The truth's lost to the void"
"We'll finally have peace"
"we do need a new authority..."
QUESTION: Do you support the Phantom Thieves?
This poll is adopted on 12/7.
Around 0.8%
"a lil too late tho"
"dat comeback looool"
"I'd never support them"
"I'm getting confused..."
"I can't believe anybody..."
"i don't really care"
"Is Shido gonna apologize?"
"It's happening again..."
"just typical slander imo"
"lol no way i'd support them"
"may just be election shit"
"moar like phantom GRIEF"
"Must be tough for Shido-san"
"My scandal sense's tingling!"
"no one wants you thieves"
"phantom thieves WIN PLX!!!"
"political attack, REALLY???"
"ppl still defend them? lmao"
"Shido, just take the win"
"Shouldn't Shido explain?"
"Show yourself, Akechi!"
"smear campaigns are gross"
"So he didn't die..."
"srsly, a tv hijack?"
"Stay strong, Shido-san!"
"stop makin such a big deal"
"talk about election drama"
"they're still criminals"
"they can't take a hint"
"this country is effed up"
"this is a murder warning..."
"This isn't debunked yet?"
"this site's still up? :o"
"TV hijacking is terrorism!"
"was it the others? :o"
"was that statement a lie?"
"what about the election?"
"what a comeback..."
"Why isn't this on the news?"
"wow, ppl are desperate..."
QUESTION: Do the Phantom Thieves really exist?
This poll is adopted on 12/19.
Around 19%
"And then, there were none"
"can't someone just fix it?"
"cmon thieves, say something"
"Enjoy prison, Mr. Shido~"
"even shido... FAIL"
"everyone, just disappear"
"Everyone was shameless"
"—GAME OVER—"
"go ahead & celebrate, idiots"
"I feel like an empty husk"
"im just like... so what"
"In the end, who's to blame?"
"i shoulda known better..."
"ive lost my will to live..."
"just destroy this country"
"kill this stupid website"
"my support was a waste"
"Next person please!"
"nobody asked for this"
"no thanks to those thieves"
"nothing changed. boringggg"
"Someone do something!"
"soooo is shido alive?"
"so wait, who do we hate?"
"so what WERE they??"
"The election was a farce."
"the future's screwed LOL"
"they're harshin my mellow"
"They better settle things"
"thinking hurts my brain"
"this country's done for"
"This is a stain on history"
"this is fucked up..."
"this is going nowhere"
"useless scum"
"we need answers"
"What's with this question?"
"who cares abt the election?"
"why'd we even bother"
"why this. even now???"
Then the dramatic final cut where everybody believes in them and it’s like # OF FANS ---> FAN POWER LEVELS ---> FIGHT Q( ‘-’Q )
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I’m kinda like panicking mildly in my mind bc I haven’t been taking t bc my voice has been causing me dysphoria but I’m also scared to go off it cause I don’t want that monthly thing to happen and boi do I wanna just not deal with this. like. No matter what I do I’m gonna be dysphoric and hate everything. God fucking damnit. I DONT EVEN WANNA BE ON TESTOSTERONE BUT LIKE I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE BC IF IM NOT ON IT I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY BUT I CANT DEAL WITH SCARS AND SURGERY SCARES THE SHIT OUTTA ME AND LIKE I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANYTHING HAPPENING AND I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO AND NO ONE ON MY SIDE AND I JUST WANNA FALL APART. but again I can’t because they’ll hear and judge me but I hate everything that’s happening right now I don’t want this body I don’t wanna be alive I’m just so useless and I didn’t ask for any of this! I just wanted to be normal my whole life and to belong somewhere anywhere but everything is hell and god I wanna die. I MAY NOT EVEN BE DEPRESSED LIKE IVE BEEN THINKING IDK MY WHOLE LIFE. Just I don’t know what’s going on anymore it all feels like I’m living a lie I have no clue what my gender is ever and I can’t deal with anything anymore and I’m so so so not okay right now but like only in my mind in a way like I still have a week till I see my therapist and I just need someone to help me. Like I’m 18 I should have some of this shit figured out but I’m always doubting myself and I don’t belong and I’m always misgendered and I am so weird in public. LIKE I WENT OUT TODAY AND PACED AROUND THE MALL LIKE 3 TIMES BEFORE I COULD ENTER A SINGLE STORE. like that’s just not normal. I just get so worried that someone’s gonna talk to me and that I’ll fuck up and there’s so many people everywhere and I never know what to do. I love when mom is with me bc then she kinda helps me navigate and answers clerks for me when I can’t and she can tell me if I’m being treated badly. Like without her I have a much harder time. I can still manage if I have to but I also really prefer to not? Like I’d rather just look around and appreciate everything honestly. I also have a headache but it’s mild but it gets worse and subsides. And I don’t know what I’ll do if that time of the month happens I already know my hormones are doing things and I don’t like any of it and I feel wrong. I always feel wrong. Like my parents accept me but they worry and push blame of things onto me kinda? Like from a young age they ask if I am depressed and like almost made me stop t and I hate it all. I just want them to stop meddling so much I just need time to deal with things and everyone treats my like shit and I don’t know what’s going on ever.
I feel so incomplete. So useless.
Like I’ve been preparing myself my whole life to be walked over and accept abuse and punish myself for any behaviour perceived as wrong and in the end I’m being told that I don’t need to be fixed and I’m not a freak but that’s not how it works! Like you can’t just decide “oh you know all those things I told you when you were young? I was wrong.” Like why could you just have killed me or something. BETTER YET WHY COULDNT YOU DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT AND NOT PUT IT ON ANOTHER PERSON. Like why did I luck out with this amazing family huh :))))). I guess what makes it worse is I was always told I was such an amazing and intelligent child and no one ever picked up on anything wrong? Like I’ve fucking been to therapy so often but no one knew what was wrong. I have find out that shit for myself. Mmm. I just am so stupid I just should be functioning and neurotypical but I’m not and I know how horrible I am for that. I should be so much better but I’m not I never am I’m so tired of this bullshit and I’m just rambling because if I don’t say anything then I’m just gonna curl up and feel like shit bc obviously that’s how to deal with everything. Like when you can’t deal with anything just rock back and forth and curl up into tight balls.
I really hate how my parents have attacked me in various ways throughout my life. Like who tells a child they’re good for nothing but art??? And like who repeatedly tells them to not cry and not in the nice way. And who tells them that their emotional meltdown is an inconvenience cause great I’m an inconvenience now. And now you have the audacity to want to comfort me when I cry? What the fuck is wrong with you? I’ve been treated like shit since I’ve been born and they want me to love and forgive them. I’m not gonna forgive them ever. I’m sorry but I’ve been responsible enough from a young age to recognize when I’m in the wrong and you were an adult but couldn’t? What the fuck. Like it’s great you’re changing and I don’t fucking hate you all the time but doesn’t mean I’m gonna forgive you cause you should’ve known better. It’s not fucking rocket science. Like if you know you were going through shit you should’ve just not had a child. Cause guess how useless I am now! I’m so fucked up from all of your bullshit. No one needs this crap you assholes.
And I just wish I had someone to talk to about this shit but I know I have no one because everyone hurts me and is busy and the only person who listens to me is a person who’s paid to do so. Like that hurts. Everyone just has a life without me in it. I’m just an add on to a meal that everyone says haha no thanks. It’s not hard to be there for people. And just everyone is always so angry at me and I’m not trying to upset you I’m so sorry. I just wish people were nicer and more respectful to me. Like I’m a human being I have feeling I deserve at least basic respect. I literally go out of my way to make sure everyone around me feels comfortable. I just don’t get the same luxury. I get to constantly feel uncomfortable with everything. I get to feel like an outcast. I guess I know why I was ostersized as a kid kinda. I just wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I just get to be used and manipulate to please everyone. It’s like I’m a circus animal. I know how to do tricks really well. And if I’m lucky I may get a treat. But all in all I’m just an animal and when they get bored of me I’ll just be put down. Again.
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im complaining because i need to vent and have no where else to do it kk good talk
mmmmmm i REALLY dont want to draw anymore. its useless and i dont really get much out of it. to be honest most of the times i draw nowadays is because 1. someone wants me to 2. i want money. I haven’t drawn anything for fun in a while. i really just hate the feeling that failing at art gives me. Its so FRUSTRATING TO SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL THING IN YOUR HEAD AND NOT BE ABLE TO GET A SINGLE LINE DOWN THE WAY YOU WANT TO!!! I haven’t been proud of anything in a long time. This is just a waste of time and money for me. It’s not getting me anything and all it does is make me angry and depressed. There’s no good feelings to counteract it either. There’s no trade off that makes it worth it. I think I’m gonna give my tablet to my friend or sell it, I can’t do this anymore. It used to be therapeutic and now it makes me feel worse because i can’t stop comparing myself to people. Especially ones that are younger than me and better. I’ve practiced longer than theyve been alive. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I hate this, I hate that i cant just be happy. i hate that i compare myself to everything. I hate that i get upset when im not automatically good at something. i hate that everyone is better than me at everything i do. i just want to be the best at something, you know? something useful. and i hate that i feel this way. i hate everything. i want everyone and everything to leave me alone and let me rot in peace but the stupid world doesnt work like that. I wish people would have warned me about shit before burying me in it. i dont understand why i always have to feel some sort of negative emotion. when im not angry im sad, when im not sad im jealous, and when im not jealous im angry. its a fucking shitty cycle and i hate being a part of it and i cant break out of it no matter what i do. everything is so frustrating now. i just want everything to be manageable. not even everything. Just...something. I want to have control over something that isnt so fucking overwhelming i dont even know where to begin. i dont have fucking shit. i dont have anyone to go to that really gets me and i dont even have family to talk to and no one i have access to fuckin understands me. I know that sounds edgy but...everyone i know has such different experiences. i want someone who feels what i feel, y’kno. but its not gonna happen. nothing ever changes even when i try to fix it. and if it does change it just gets worse. im done. im done im done im done im done!! i hate feeling like shit. fucking medication doesnt even work. I fuckign hate everything. i want to not exist. i want every trace of me to be wiped from existence. no memories, none of my art or writing or assignments. i want every single reminder of me to be gone. i want to be gone. i want to be unconscious and unaware. i would literally rather be an emotionless robot because i dont have any positive feelings to lose anymore lmao. I haven’t been happy in a long fucking time. Yeah, ive laughed at jokes for a moment but 99% of the time im miserable and i want it to stop. i cant even get away from this shit in my fucking dreams. i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
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Help, I suck at literally almost everything I do. via /r/selfimprovement
Help, I suck at literally almost everything I do.
God where do i begin. Not that I think anyone would read this but who cares. I suck just at life. Learning, my hobbies, i forget everything I just learned. And its nothing I can do to fucking fix it. I want to get better at games, I have been playing my entire life and I suck ass at them. Other than Single player games, I suck. I have low self esteem, confidence. Im slowly trying. Its hard. I dont expect it to be easy, but what do I do. I do online school, and its like Im reading a meaningless article and I remember it, but not the details. Its difficult for me to learn in general. I suck at socializing. Im a loner. I dont really have any friends. I dont wanna just whine and pout about my life because I wanna make it better but HOW do I do that. I mean, I think being more active would really help me. But that doesnt help that its so fucking hard to learn something. I suck at drawing. Ive always been inspired, and motivated to draw, I love it, but I cant draw to save my life. Im always disapointed at what I draw. I see others and Im always wanting to draw like that but I cant. I know it takes continuous practice, but how? Just draw? What do i draw? Im more into manga like stuff. But when I try you cant even tell what the fuck it is. I can never just draw lightly so that makes indents on the paper and when i erase you can see it. I know you cant really fully erase it but UGH. Me, I love myself and I hate some of myself but I dont know how to change. I love just me in general I know im a good person, but like for example socializing, I say stupid shit I dont wanna say, and I dont even know why I say it. Im build bolky, big. You know tall and strong but, Im useless. Im good at nothing. My family always call me a "computer expert" and "gamer" but I am trash at both. I dont know a damn thing about computers. I do a little bit but that doesnt help anything. I dont know, if being active has anything to do with my problems, Im not very active at all anymore. At this point, you could say Im depressed. I said I wasnt for the longest time, because it wasnt, atleast I think. I dont really know. I, I am realistic. Im always trying to be reasonable and real with myself and the people around me. I think, I do think to much but, how do I NOT think, like thats fucking impossible. I cant help it my currosity gets the better of me, I always talkmto myself, its basically a fucking hobby since I have no one else. I do think I over think a lot of things and that why im not able to learn but How do i do that, How do i NOT over think? How would one change their mindset? No matter how I say things I always go back to "Am I not active enough, I wonder if, not being active will change everything about someone?" And I think, Yes. It just makes sense. Im trying to be more active, I lack self motivation. Thats one huge problem of mine. I dont think there is a "fix" or something I can do to help that, I just have to, just Do It.
Submitted October 12, 2018 at 05:15AM by Keloxs
via reddit https://ift.tt/2EgHxws
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Whats on my mind? you wsanna know?
Well okay, first let me start by saying ive never felt so useless and low
i fucked up and now i feel like youll never let it go
its hard to continue to stay when everyday youwitre being called a bitch and a hoe
but i stay because i dont wanna let you go
but you do realize that something has to change because i wont stay wiw
the drugs get to us, its all our mind will consume
and i understand someone goes crazy when they get stuck up in a room
with no cigs,food, or sleep, been up for 3 days and its now noon
i know i push you to the point of no return
you get the same respect you recieve and trust is something i have to earn
but im not perfect but im trying to learn
I cant continue to put myself through the pain and burn
The david i seen yesterday
wasnt the man i know, and now i question if want to stay
Because you continue to hurt me, where i lay
when youre fucking with drugs , this is the price we play
but the whole physcial damage i dont play
i get it , we do stupid shit when we are sleep deprived
we both suffer from depression and often suffer from thoughts of not wanting to be alive
just two young humans , out here struggling trying to surive
words fucking hurt
and i feel worthless , like a piece of shit who ifeels like dirt
i dont know how to fix shit, ive been a fuck up since birth
i dont even fucking knobew what my purpose is or why im on this earth
but i do know that i am just a lost girl who doesnt know her worth
you think i dont care
but i do , and it sucks youre not aware
we keep hurting ourselves with hands and fucking words, putting our hearts through where and tear
maybe we just arent the right pari did you wrong im sorry but the constant name calling and disrespect isnt fair
it hurts when you say those things , throw me into the wall with a grip on my hair
im not asking for you to get over it
because obviously i fucking put you through bullshit
i was being stupid and having an issue having to commit
but how many people can own up to there wrongs, and it be something they admit
This is all just so messy
and this shit constantly is stressing me
yeah im a bitch, your a jerk, we fight all night, and we hardly ever agree
however, if we dont change, then we cant let this go on, we got to let it bew
Deep down youre so sweet, caring, and just the nicest person ever
then, it switches up like fucking stormy weather
and then i question why were even fucking together
its like i cant talk to you so im stuck saying my thoughts in notes and a letter
i just want this to work and want this to get better
Deep down i wanna get clean
but then again, when you feel so low, and get put down , you start to become that, and hurt makes me fein
i know we both are guilty, and i can be mean
got you up , yeling and trying not to scream
but at the end of the day we need to love each other, or are we even a team
cause man yesterday was a david i have never seen
that shit doesnt go away , and its nothing we can redeem
I can be a prick, you can be a dick
but when things are good , we fucking click
but when you put me down you contintue to kick
and even though theyre words, they hurt like a fucking brick
because they fucking get in my head and stick
I love you, i do, youre the man i wanna pick
but this shit has to fucking change nows
because i made a promise to myself that a man putting his hands on me is something i dont allow
no fucking way, no how
The fucking voilence
causes me to fall apart and now i cant say anything, i feel the need to just stick to the silence
Youre sorry, and i am too
but this isnt something that is new
because this is something that happens everyday more times than a few
we dont have anyone but us, because we dont have a crew
and yes, the feelings i have are fucking true
but can you at least put one foot in at least one shoe
and tell me if you would stay put up with the shit i do
would you stay if me, was you/
Yeah, i am not always an angel, but look at it from my view
i dont always think im right
infact i know that i am mostly the cause of the fight
because i dont know when to walk away, and stay out of your sight
im sick of being stuck in doom and darkness where the fuck is the god damn light
Depression..
constant feelings of worthlessness and stressing
dont wanna walk away from the time we invest in
maybe ill learn my lesson
stop using my past as a weapon
David, believe me when i say this
I love you, i love your touch and every kiss
but we both got to work on changing or we no longer can do this
because , ive lost myself, and although i love you, my smile is something i miss
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ok ive decided stuff about the admins
theres 4 of them. theres YT, a Doctor guy, the Ceo, and a small fry who is the ‘fodder’ admin. think like..... proton??? the green guy from team rocket in gen 2/4. that guy.
cause i think that gives a good spread. cause in ‘marketing’, youd only know about the doctor and the small fry. you know YT exists, and you might assume theyre part of team whatsit, but its unconfirmed. you dont know the CEO exists at all. and in terms of team admins, two seems fair, not super unnatural. no worries.
it also gives a good spread of how these admins feel about what theyre doing and what they specifically support. YT, she hates this, but she supports the ‘goal’ of defaming the gym leaders/e4/champ. hence, she heads up that division. its not a separate goal, but any time the team wants to fuck with their reputation, YT is the one they call.
the Doc is for public safety. why is he part of a gang? thats my real problem with him but im gonna work on that later. but hes in to keep the people safe and sees the rest as a means to that end, an unfortunate stepping stone on the way to like, security n shit. hes a bit oblivious to just hoooowwww bad the leader is
the CEO is all about control. control freak. its why they were placed as the ceo of the facade company, they run shit, fastidious, they want the world just so. they dont care about the e4 or about public safety, but think that if dealing with those will lead to their perfect lil sphere of influence, theyll make pretend.
the small fry is basically just leader lite. they totally idolise the leader of team whatsit, and as such they just PARROT it. they emulate the leader in every way, minus tact and like, general competence. so theyre just like, cult like, its kinda fucked if you think about it. the reason theyre an admin is basically just as a fall guy.
the idea here is that soon, soooooon, team whatsit’s facade company is gonna do a MASSIVE raid on a team whatsit warehouse, and they will capture small fry. hand them over to the police. because small fry is actually an admin, they can act convincingly to the police, but because the other admins arent actually divulging secrets to small fry, they are at noo risk of being uncovered through this. as a result of this, to ensure small fry doesnt know too much, theyve only heard fake names of the other admins, fake locations and shit about them, and theyve ONLY met the leader face to face. their news comes to them through letters exclusively. they dont know anything more than they should.
and itd be fun because when YOU meet small fry, which is before the Big Raid, they tell you all this super innacurate information. like, you already know who the Doc is (because he does have a name i just havent made it up yet), but this small fry tells you a completely incorrect name. like everything he says in incorrect. and youre like, what the fuck is happening??? why is this admin so out of loop?
and the thing is, its pretty fucked up, because if the small fry realises that theyve been tricked, that the leader betrayed them and is getting them genuinely sent to jail (because to break them out would be to put the whole peace facade at risk), they cant actually tattle. because they dont know ANYTHING. theyre fucked, basically. the only way that admin gets off is if the leader admits everything, or if you (the player) found something that proved their ‘innocence’ and lack of evil intent. you probably wouldnt, though. cause the idea is, this admin is REALLY small fry. you encounter them maybe twice, once separately in a small town where they attempt to orchestrate smth, like a rbbery of a family business, something petty. and then once during the raid, which you take part in, i think. cause you ran errands for the CEO, and they call on you for another favour because youre oh so talented, to help them raid the warehouse and capture small fry. and you do! you get to small fry and theyre captured. CEO congratulates you with a nice sum of money, and tells you that if you ever wants a job with the company when youre older, that the door is always open. thats the laaaast time you see small fry (they might be mentioned on tv occasionally thereafter because of the story trigger), and its the last time you mandatorily see the CEO before theyre revealed to be Big Ol Bad.
idk. i think its fun? like it sucks for small fry because i imagine theyre young, possibly a similar age to YT (who is, AT MOST, 25, and much more likely to be around 20 years old), or a lil younger, say 18. naive, enamoured. poor kid.
i think small fry is the only admin you cant actually rescue, unless theyres a post game story (side story, because in my Dream of Dreams theres like 5 post game subplots because fuck you god i live my life) in which you visit them in the police center and help em clear their name. dunno how THAT’d manifest. maybe its part of a YT story. like, post game, you do a bunch of YT missions to help the tie up loose ends. free small fry. help the doctor. punch the ceo in the face. that sort of thing. i mean thats incredibly vague.
i mean, you cant rescue the CEO or the Leader either. the doctor is probably fine. YT is either captured voluntarily or disappears into the ether only to reappear to roundhouse kick elito and leave again. possibly a combob. idk. thatd be an interesting idea for post game. or, ooh, something to do with the gym leaders. helping them sorta rebuild the city, that sorta shit. cause like, the city (Melbourne, fuckeeeeerrrrssss) got straight up fucked. not as bad as like, opelucid that one time, though that was also JUST some ice and it maybe caused some minor flooding. this shit was like rage on the streets, or something. lot of damage. bunch of broken windows. worker and police npcs everywhere. yknow.
and you help them fix that up, maybe while hunting down the CEO, perhaps, or the leader if they made a getaway. im thinking the CEO, because if the leader got away itd be a kind of cop out (see at least with ghetsis he broke out BETWEEN games. thats a difference), but the CEO being out in the wild isnt hyper unusual.
idk. thats some far future shit.
as far as encounters with the admins goes???? or with the team in general. so first you meet grunts, and then you meet small fry (1). meet more grunts, and perhaps thats how you meet CEO (-1), through being witnessed. idk. whoo. then you meet more grunts, and then im thinking you meet Doc (1). then you meet CEO (0) again, after you run the errand, and then you go off to the next town without incident before the raid, where you ruin small frys (2) life. then im thinking you keep going and thats when you meet YT (1) as an admin for the first time, when you decide to keep dishing out vigilante justice and go after them in another place. after you, you encounter CEO (1) as admin as well. this is JUST before chaos city shit, in which you will fight CEO (2) DOC (2) and YT (2) again. its also where youll meet leader (1). and im thinking you might fight them twice. the first time solo, and the second time after the summoning of the legendaries, in which its a double fight with leader (2) and CEO/YT (3?), depending. then you win, congrats. you only fight doc twice. after you beat him in the city he exits the building to go help people on the street, and he is not present at the whatsit climax.
not sure if the double battle is with YT or CEO. might depend on in what order you fight them in the city. you do see YT before you get to the building, as YT is in the pokemon center and tells you to leave for your own safety. also with the double battle, not sure if you and your friend have the legendarie or they do. both make sense. i like both. also why is your friend there? mans powerful.
problem with that rundown is it DOES possibly remove the whole ‘elito fucking flees’ scenario but that could easily be slotted into the skyscraper thing and serve to remove YT from the climax of it, thus leaving the double battle as Leader/CEO. Besides, youve fought YT BEFORE that as well. theres the optional fight that lets you skip doing like the 3rd gym until way later, and theres a fight i think befor and after that one. one really early, not when she first meets you in like the first town that isnt your home, maybe the one after that. and then theres another in between like. the doc fight and the small fry battle. maybe yt tries to prevent you from joining the raid (UNDERSTANDABLY given what happened to her). thatd be fun. and thatd be the last time you see her before the admin reveal. yea, thatd work ok.
ofc the problem is pacing. aside from the fact that Fuck Me I cant Pace Worth a Shit, the towns need to be placed good. the last thing i want is a repeat of west kalos which was the MOST BORING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. god fuck west kalos. west kalos is ass. cause you beat viola, right, and then you go to lumiose, go to the useless town, go to the manor up the road, go to another useless town, go to a cave, THEN you get to the next town and fight grant and its like what the fuck was that about. god that shit was stupid. you didnt even get to fight an admin at the end of that cave shit. god that was dumb. god fuck west kalos.
but yea. you dont wanna repeat it. and one way we do that is by not arbitrarily shutting off half of a fucking city. mostly because pokeMelbourne would be more uh, city on melemele than Lumiose Cuck Fuck. Hold on, i need to do a quick comparison in sizes, hold up.
well. melbourne certainly is bigger than paris. but i think, oooh, OOOOOOHHHH, ooooooooh no ive got an idea. cause like, /i/ live in the city of melbourne right, despite being a solid hour from the cbd, im like half way from the city to the east beaches. (ok more like a third but bare with me)
so. you could have a biiiig sprawling city that is actually divided into 3 ‘places’. like, its a big urban sprawl. and youve got the cbd, which is ‘the city proper’, which is where the chaos takes place. and then there are two outer suburbs of the city!!!! which means you could have multiple gyms within the same ‘city’, because the city by square kms is Fucking Giganto like, guys, Paris is like 100sq kms and melbourne is 9900sq kms, get the Fuck out of here, oh my god. shit, even new york (castelia) is like, 800sq kms. buddy. buddy we’re in. oh buddy that sounds so cool. cause then it means, ooh, if we /wanted/ to do something akin to skipping the gym in lumiose the first time, it wouldnt be an issue, because there are still two other gyms. you dont feel like its a useless detour. like oh no, a power outage, cant even walk the fucking streets, wow. not like backup generators exist.
but like, youd have home town, then next town with the first gym (and your first YT encounter, sans fight because she doesnt fight you), THEN you enter the city outskirts and its a second gym, then the city proper and you skip that gym because thats like the 5th gym, then you head out the western outskirts and fight the 3rd gym. something like that! and the connecting routes would be city streets slowly getting more and more urban the closer you get to the city proper. ooooooOOOOOOHHH yea i like that, i like that a lot.
see this is fun. i love this
#story blogging#ive been writing this post for at least an hour yeeeeee#went from admin shit to 'hey how does this region go' and i really like the idea of a city that spreads over multiple locations#instead of just hitting the city limits and suddenly civilisation is dead. because thats not how cities work???#at least in this state where my capital city is like a thousand times bigger than paris. get fucked#also wow im way closer to the cbd relative to the rest of victoria than i thought. huh. lack of depth understanding strikes again#codename seren
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dont rb, dont rply
funny . had a meltdown post. my laptop crashed. its gone. anywyas just... yheha .m rlly tired and burnt out. really, really fucking tired. had that horrible breakdown this morning & then i had to see the psychiatrist abt new medication.... just a shite experience in general. and then i find out the meds im on now- literally everyone says they gained so, so much fucking weight on them. which. literally. that almost made me fucking laugh after this mornings breakdown but no..................................... yyhheahioaegfjisdgm, i just fucking broke down & just spent... the past half hour fucking . sobbing into my pillow bc i cant do this man i cant fuckindfoigjdsph. i feel so fucking stupid . i feel so fucking stupid that THATS the thing thts fucking toppling me today but jsut. after this morning i dont fucking want to fucking have to deal with this . i feel so fucking disgusting and miserable and im tired . im so fucking tired im so so fucking tired of it im so fucking tired and.... i feel like such a fucking idiot for gwtting this fucked up. because its so fucking funny to everyone it really is but it jsut. shit man . its fucking breaking me with every0thing else & ive been cutting back so much already on my intake & i dont know how much more i can slash .0 i feel like shit already im fucking tired im so fucking tired and cant fucking focus . but now i feel like im going to have to end up cutting back more. and its not going to be enough!!!! WHATEVER i do . it wont be enough and it’ll still be justg fucking hilarious to EVERYONE and it never fucking will be. .. anything . MAN it doesnt matter how much. it just doesnt fusdp0sd0--g. but i dont know if it even matters that it j....
i i just wish i was dead man sometimes i just rlly fucking . sobbing just. i dont even want to take this stupid fucking shit when i know it wont help its just more more more fucking it up, suffering, being miserable and for WHAT for something unattainable, something so out of reach, something that means ntohing. fucking stay alive; do nothing but fucking cry and cry and cry and to achieve what. nothinn fucking nothing man i cant. get a grip on fucking anything it all jsut fucking comes apart and its just . i dont know . i just wre ck it all and it wrecks me and it doesnt matter it doesnt even fucking matter man its all just fucking funny and stupid and useless and i . jsut wish it mattered i wish it did . i wish i meant something i wish people would take it fucking seriously but i guess its just the natu re . . it cant be fucking taken seriously, its a joke im a joke its all so fucking stupid . stupid fucking medication its not going to help it wont fuckidrgio. IT WONT because i know this shit isnt chemical i know its not a chemical imbalance i know im fucking so fucking tired im so fucking done how many fucking times fucking fgoing trhrough it all fucking picking it apart pulling at it fucking with it how fucking much nobody fukcing gives a shit enough to fucking . just listen to me PROPERLY its not valued its not fucking anything i know damn well im not fucking chemically imbalancedi know damn well why im fuckingmiserable and its because im fucking well enough aware of my own god damn worth, of the fact its fucking ntohing, of the fact i’d be better dead that i should be dead , i dont have anything to be happy about, you can fucking shove whatever you want inside of me it isnt going to make me someone else it isnt going to make me matte rman . it isnt going to make my life worth fucking living because it fuc king isnt and i jsut. i cant fucking cope i cant ufcking cope with it nany more fucking stupid stupid stupid slapping bandaids on shit with wwreckless abandon it wont fix fucking any of it i just wish i was dead i just wish i was dead man i dont want to fucking suffer i dont want to be alive i dont fucking WANT to its not worth it none of its worth it rto do what to do WHAT fucking endure for fucking WHAT WHAT WHAT its always back to that why should i be alive why should i bother why should i fucking make it through all this fucking shit and fucking SETTLE for it when what i would achieve. ... in the END what would i fucking get? something i dont want , some miserable half-life, some shitty existence of just coasting on everything and trying so hard with fucking everything , and it hurting so much, to achieve the bare minimum to achieve a fucking state of numbness . for what. i dont wat that i dont fucking want that i fucking want to fuckingkill myself god DAMN it bitch i fucking want toa-0fa. im SICK of it ma
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