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anonymityisfunwriter · 2 years

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Enough For You - Chapter 3

Enough For You Chapter List

That's how Bucky found himself in a position that he swore that he'd never put himself in again.

He's putting himself back in harm's way in the hope that you three could be a family again.

That is, if you decide that he's what you want when you find out that Steve is back.

He shakes the thought out of his head, he always felt secure in your relationship. That's why you held off on actually being with him for so long, you wanted to be sure that neither of you felt like you were playing second fiddle. That the two of you were what the other wanted. And he did. He felt like he was what you wanted.

He only hoped that he made you feel the same way.

You all know that the reason they weren't hiding your identity was to draw out Bucky.

You knew it, Bucky knew it, they all knew it. What they didn't count on was Steve Rogers making a reappearance after disappearing 4 years ago under slightly ambiguous circumstances.

Pepper had not told the other Avengers that Steve was back nor that you were alive. They'd all agreed that if the world found out that Steve was back, it would put you in more danger.

If whoever took you decided that their plan wouldn't work, God knows what they would do with you. It had only been a few days, but Steve and Bucky were chomping at the bit.

Bucky explained to Steve, still slightly resentful of the media hell you went through, what happened after he left.

How everyone played the blame game, and somehow the fingers kept pointing at you.

Bucky told Steve that he couldn't just wear a hat and sunglasses and expect to remain incognito, things were more intense now and he needed to stay away from the general public to avoid any unwanted attention.

Bucky remembered the day that news that Steve Rogers had disappeared made it to the press, and immediately after the news that you were pregnant surfaced.

He remembered all the speculation about who was the father. Most people guessed it was Bucky, that Steve felt some sort of indignation about the alleged infidelity which led to his disappearance.

It took quite some time before it all died down and you weren't bombarded by the media cycle. It was just another reason Bucky held Grant so tightly to his chest, there were so many dangers simply based on who his parents were.

So Steve needed to stay out of sight while Bucky approached you. Or you approached him like they figured you would.

With Steve as backup, at least they had the element of surprise if things went sideways.

They knew the general area you'd been spotted in, the same area over and over again. So he waited, for some sort of sign, for any inclination that you would make contact, while Steve waited hidden in the wings hoping that everything would go smoothly.

Then he saw you. He saw you and made no attempt to resist the urge to run to you.

As if you could sense him too, your head snapped in his direction.

"James?" you whisper when you see his face.

Then your head jolts again in a completely unnatural, fragmented way.

Bucky sees it - the distance is back in your eyes and he's not sure what he's supposed to do. He can't hurt you. He won't. But even at your normal strength, you could almost out-best both men one-on-one.

It used to be a running joke, you were the only person that could take down Captain America, and on his off days, you really could. You take a defensive stance and Bucky reluctantly slows down.

He moves in a careful and calculated way to avoid setting you off. He has no clue what they've done to you, but he knows just how lethal you can be. As well trained and skilled as Black Widow. The genius of Tony Stark. And the heart of Captain America. He knows what are force of nature you are, and he does not want to trigger that side of you.

"It's me. Just remember and we can go home," he speaks as he continues his slow descent to you.

"I don't know you," you reply, your voice completely monotone. Your expression is blank, your eyes distant.

"You do. You do know me. We're raising a son together. Please remember. He misses you. I miss you."

He's finally standing in front of you, but you see nothing but a threat. A threat that is slowly reaching out to grab you.

Bucky's not quite sure what happens, but in the blink of an eye, you're fighting with everything you have. All the while, Bucky's pulling every punch and swing trying not to injure you. He can't, he just can't hurt you. He won't. Because he sees the face of the woman he loves. A woman he swore he'd protect.

He looks at you and sees the woman that kept him away for 6 months when Steve left. To this day he remembers your exact words.

He's gripping your arms softly in silent defeat, you just rejected another one of his advances.

'I don't understand. Why not?' he pleads, because there's moments he swears you feel the same, moments that he can see the feelings reciprocated. And yet, you won't even give him a chance.

"Because, Bucky, you deserve someone who isn't pining away after another man!" you shout. Then you take a deep breath, trying to remember all the reasons you're staying away from this incredible man. "You deserve a great, life-altering love. And I can't give you that. Not yet.' He releases you. His heart is aching, but he knows you're right. It doesn't change how much it hurts him. He's about to walk away, but you grab his hand again. "James? I want you to know, when I do get there, and if you're still waiting, I can't wait to have that great, life-altering love with you.'

It never ceased to amaze him that somehow after all the hell you'd gone through, there was still that dreamer inside of you. That you still believed in that magical fairytale happily ever after.

When he looked at you, he saw the woman who kept that promise, that kept him away until they were both capable of sharing the love they both deserved. And what a magical, life-altering love it was. He still remembered that very first night.

It was a mess.

Everything was a mess.

The baby was only a month old and you weren't even sure how you continue anymore.

You were hormonal, tired, and a just a complete wreck in general. Sometimes you just couldn't get the baby to stop crying.

Then you'd both be crying at each other.

This was one of those nights. You sent Bucky home to get some rest without a baby's crying waking him up, but really you just didn't want him to see you like this.

You weren't sure when the last time you showered was, you were covered in spit-up, on the verge of a breakdown, and you just couldn't stand to have him think less of you right now.

Since the baby was born, Bucky was always here.

He even slept in the guest room most nights. He had a few things here in the house, but he still needed to make the occasional trip home.

During the last few months of your pregnancy and since Grant was born, more and more of his things were here. But you just needed a minute, a minute to regain your composure, your sanity.

Bucky was reluctant to leave like he always was, but you insisted telling him to stop by the store on the way home for some diapers.

You didn't miss how he wryly smiled when you called the cabin 'home'. You shrugged him off, saying that he knew that this was as much his home as it was yours.

You're not sure what time it is, but your tears have dried, but the baby's keep coming. You're not really sure why, you've done everything. He's not hungry, he won't sleep, and his diaper's not wet. You're pretty sure you read that sometimes babies just cry, but in your exhausted state it's kind of hard to tell.

You barely hear Bucky walk in over the loud crying.

"Jeez, that kid's got some lungs on him," Bucky jokes, then he sees your expression. And he instantly knows that this is why you sent him away, you do this to yourself sometimes.

You bottle everything up and then beat yourself up when no one is looking. It breaks his heart to see you like that, he thinks you're doing a great job. He wants to do more, but he's trying to respect your space. It's a hard line to tow.

He's taken to that father role, seemingly effortless, but you're both just trying to figure out how this is all going to work.

"Here, give me the baby," he offers, taking the crying baby into his arms.

"Thank you," you murmur, still half asleep.

Your voice is still shaky, but you're just so thankful for Bucky. You're not really sure what you'd do without him, and it's not even just because of the baby. It's everything, it's how his soothing presence, how he makes you laugh. It's everything about him.

"God, I love you so much," the words are mumbled, garbled by exhaustion, but you both freeze. The weight of your words hit you both like a truck, the way it left your mouth easily. It was the truth, but this was not how you wanted him to hear that.

Then Bucky steps toward you again. The baby is the only thing separating the two of you. Mindful of Grant, he leans down to you. Slowly, very slow, like he wants to give you a chance to tell him that you didn't mean it. That you didn't want this, want him. But you do, you really do.

His lips ghost yours, he wants to make sure this is okay, that crossing this line is okay. Your lips graze again, once, twice. But there is a wailing baby that needs to be tended to.

You sigh against his mouth.

"Go sleep. Take a shower. I got him," he speaks against your mouth.

You clear your throat, unsure of what just happened. "Thank you."

You start panicking when you walk into the bathroom. You aren't really all that sure about what just happened. You kissed Bucky or he kissed you. But you kissed, something you and Bucky didn't do, well except that one time on that mission.

That wasn't the point, you kissed. And you wanted to kiss him again. You were beginning to panic when you looked at yourself in the mirror.

For lack of a better word, you looked haggard.

Bags under your eyes, covered in spit-up, you didn't smell that great, and there were at least 3 different bodily fluids on you. You'd had a baby a month ago, your midsection was still swollen, your hair looked like a nest, it wasn't a good look. And Bucky looked at you no differently. The adoration and love, it was all there.

You took a shower keeping that thought on a loop. You weren't pining after Steve anymore. Some days you were mad at him for not being here, but you couldn't really blame him for that.

Most days, you weren't anything at Steve.

You weren't sure when it happened, how it happened, but you'd - you'd moved on. The realization was staggering, you'd moved on.

8 months away from him and you'd moved on. Maybe that wasn't right, but it was the truth. And the truth was that you and Steve shared something, but it wasn't something you were willing to hold onto anymore.

Once Bucky has Grant down, he's pacing thinking about how to approach this next. Does he turn on the charm? Or does he play it cool? He's not really sure, and suddenly he finds himself pacing in the living room.

He turns the baby monitor up, just in case. And tells FRIDAY to turn on the fireplace. He knows how much you love it.

But he's not sure if you'll think this is overkill, so he turns it off. Then he turns it back on. What about some music? Music, no fireplace. What about fireplace and no music?

Fuck it, he thinks.

He knows what he wants, and he's pretty sure you want the same thing, so he's going to go for it. You're constantly telling him how he deserves to be happy, well, you make him happy.

He likes parenting with you. He likes making you laugh, spending time with you. So he's going to listen to you and go for what he wants for once.

He leaves the fireplace on and turns on some music. You're breastfeeding, so he holds out on bringing glasses.

When you're out of your shower, you find silence for the first time all day. You walk into the living room feeling much better. You're showered, in some clean clothes, and Grant's not crying anymore. You find Bucky sitting on the couch, the fireplace going, he even has some quiet music going. You smile at the effort.

"You sure do know how to woo a girl. I'm impressed," you tease.

He stands up and smiles at you. "I've still got some tricks up my sleeve."

"I can see that," you nod. "It's really not fair. All that charm in one person."

"It's a good thing it comes with an off switch."

"I don't think it does," you admit.

Then it gets quiet. And you and Bucky are standing in the living room, in a very romantic setting. You're not really sure what to do with yourself. Bucky is thinking about how he should approach this. He doesn't want to scare you off, but he also wants to make it clear where he stands.

"Look, about the kiss - if you need more time, I can-" But you stop him, this time you're pressing your lips to his.

Your lips are crushing his and for a second, Bucky freezes. He's worried this is some fever dream and he doesn't want to mess it all up.

But then he meets your fervor, matching it and driving it forward. His hands wrap around your waist pulling you even closer, while yours wind their way into his hair keeping him in place, not that he even thought about pulling away.

The only reason you pull away is because you both remember that you need to breathe. And that going any further is not it the cards tonight, only because you're still not fully healed from giving birth yet.

But Bucky's hands don't drop and your's are still at the nape of his neck. You lay your head down on his shoulder as you catch your breath, his familiar scent working it's way into your nose. For a minute the both of you are just standing, but then he starts swaying the both of you back and forth to the music that's still playing in the background.

You look at him and you see that flirtatious grin on his face. "Very smooth," you compliment.

After that night, all of his things made their way into your home, and he never went back to his apartment.

The memory pummels him, more than anything that you could do to him.

He barely finds the will inside of him to block your attacks anymore. You take that momentary lapse in his defense and use it.

The entire time he's begging and pleading with you, trying to jog your memory.

You use it to your advantage. You're not listening. There are no thoughts in your head. You don't know this man. You don't know anything, except the task at hand.

Draw out the former Winter Soldier and kill him, when the task is done, well, then they have no use for you. In the very back of your mind, you can hear the little voice telling you to stop, that you know and love this man.

But the voice is locked away and so frail it's almost silent and completely drowned out by the orders that were barked at you.

Bucky tries not to panic, but none of his words are getting through.

He hates Plan B, but it's all he has now. If you can't remember then they'll fix you like they fixed him. All he needs to do is restrain you, then they can bring you in and work on undoing whatever they did, he tells himself. You will be okay again. You will all be a family again.

"Just come back to me. Please."

But then you have him. Your forearm pressed into his throat, cutting off his airway, you won't even look at him as you do it. He remembers you telling him that about your past, that was the part you struggled with the most.

Looking at people in the eye when you knew you were going to take their life. Seeing yourself in their eyes as they took their last breath. He does the only thing he can think of as you continue to cut off his airway.

He lets go of your arms, he doesn't try to pull you off anymore.

All he can do is hope that there is some small part of the old you left, he grabs your chin with his metal hand and forces you to look at him.

Neither of you hear Steve approaching, but Bucky swears that when you look into his eyes your grip loosens.

You're staring at his eyes and something inside of you is telling you to let go. It's not winning, but it's louder. You try to force your chin away, but he's holding it firmly.

Then you see Bucky's eyes flicker to something behind you, but it's too late.

You feel a sharp pain in your neck, the only contingency plan that Steve and Bucky agreed on.

You almost instantly feel sluggish, your movements become less forceful and Bucky is able to pry your arm away without hurting you.

Then it's all dark.

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leviiattacks · 3 years

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Two Faced | Chapter Ten

↳ levi ackerman, the very person who was about to kindly behead you by a surprising turn of events manages to become your loving husband? you would be elated if this was true love, but it’s all thanks to a mysterious magic spell that your life is spared, for now at least.

pairing :: duke!levi x duchess!reader genre :: royal au ??? (at this point idek) angst, fluff, slice of life etc ?? word count :: 4k author note :: haha.... wowww it's been long since i last updated. honestly my physical and mental health have just been horrible... that's about it, i lost a lot of motivation but if you're still reading i am very thankful and i will try to deliver the story well. i tried my best but writing whilst sick is very tiresome :-) tags :: @patience-is-here , @chwlogy , @a--nonymousse , @imkumichan

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Keeping yourself cooped up within Levi's estate and never daring to step a foot outside should have been what you had done. Blackmailing him to keep you confined within the walls of your bedroom would be much better compared to the problem you have to resolve now. Perhaps if you had done so you wouldn't have collided face first into this muddle.

Jean fiddles with the ends of his button up, he doesn't take the chance to glance up at any of his superiors. He's either much too embarrassed or has nothing noteworthy to start off with.

Erwin chooses to call the shots seeing as neither you or the Viscount by your side wish to begin.

"You both understand why we're here. Correct me if I'm wrong?" The Commander looks between you, Jean and your unfortunate excuse of a husband. Suddenly it looks as if the gears and cogs in Jean's brain move without warning.

Offering a demure nod you expect for him to follow in your footsteps and do the same only he stands there looking between you and Levi.

"Wait...The two of you are? A couple?" Stunned isn't the word, Jean's completely flabbergasted.

"If you figured that out this late, I do not understand why Erwin sees you remotely fit for my team." Levi's beyond insulted at the fact he's only just understood the situation.

Jean, now more intimidated than ever before straightens his back and coughs clumsily, "Sorry." He murmurs chestnut eyes making contact with the hardwood floors.

The Commander's laced hands sit atop his desk, elegant fingers moving similar to honey on a spoon. He sighs not out of fatigue but pride. Whatever plan he's come up with has to be decent at the very least, his body language is telling you that much.

"We have a number of possibilities we can choose from. We owe that pleasure to Mr Kirstein here." Erwin offers him an almost cynical smile, you can't help but gulp thinking about how this is essentially your fault. With all the constant training sessions and team building tasks it makes sense for Jean to have completely forgot about your unspoken rule. Solely blaming him is incorrect.

Raising your arm above your head to intervene you make it known that you're aware of Levi shooting you a look of warning by returning it. It's best he knows you don't care for anyone's opinion let alone his.

"Permission to speak Commander?"

Your request is agreed to immediately with the wave of Erwin's hand.

"It's my fault for not reminding Jean. I'll take the blame, I hadn't even told him the full story concerning me and Levi."

Levi doesn't enjoy your defense in the slightest. "I don't expect my wife to fling herself at other men and allow for them to snoop around gathering the details of our personal lives."

Scoffing you shield yourself with your arms over your chest.

"Oh dear husband. If you want to get personal do tell me where my family is?" It's an inside joke only Levi will be able to understand.

"If you call those people family your standards are disgustingly low."

"Maybe that explains why I settled for you."

Again, other's opinions are not at the forefront of your priority list. Regardless it's quite enjoyable pushing Levi further into a corner with that sentence. You see the internal struggle play out within him. Jaw clenched, hands balled together. He doesn't have an appropriate response

Jean bursts out unable to hold it in any longer, chest trembling with every quake of laughter that ripples through him you have to shove him with your elbow. For a Viscount his etiquette sure is nonexistent.

"My word, the two of you sound like..."

Levi stares at him most probably expecting something along the lines of "An old married couple."

But, no. It's nothing anyone in the room expects. That includes you.

"It's as if you're unhappy with each other..."

Not a noise is made after that. Jean isn't mistaken, your heart is miserable. You've never had many relationships to begin with, whether it be familial, romantic or platonic and for someone such as your husband to treat you the way he does - it feels futile having to navigate around the complexities. Even if he isn't really your husband it's disappointing to reflect on your marriage so suddenly.

Feeling your face droop a little you bite your bottom lip with your teeth. Hearing the truth from someone you barely expect to hear it from has an effect on you.

You're so caught up analyzing everything it takes you a minute to even register Levi grumbling and lunging forward pilfering the collar of Jean's shirt.

"Every day you prove to be more and more pathetic than I expect." Levi turns to look at you after that. His stare bores into you but he doesn't come off threatening, you assume his last remark is directed solely at Jean.

When he turns back only glaring at Jean now with even more tenacity than before. He's ready to snap but Erwin has clearly had enough of the unwanted altercation in his office.

"Enough. The both of you. This is most bothersome." At the Commander's orders Levi is silenced although it takes all of his resolve to do so.

Finally bothering you take a good look at Jean. He's calm in an incredibly out of character way.

Is this not the man who trembled in his boots the first time he and Levi came into contact? It's almost as if he seems pleased with himself for drawing out such a reaction from his Captain.

Erwin shuffles through stacks of paperwork on his desk. The man needs an assistant at this point. You doubt you could find anything in that haphazard pile. Edges of crumpled paper poke out uncomfortably and Erwin becomes increasingly annoyed when he can't locate what it is he's looking for.

Just as you're about to ask if he requires any assistance it seems he's found what he's been looking for, that's if his eyes are any indication of the relief he feels.

"This." He holds up the paper, all eyes in the room are trained on it. "Under normal circumstances would not have to become an option."

"But these aren't normal circumstances?" Jean's thoughtless question is irksome when the answer is so obviously staring him down in the face.

Nonetheless Erwin nods incapable of losing his cool over something so minor.

"Sign to confirm to my proposition."

The document he places onto the desk isn't what you imagine, you can practically feel the dread climb up your throat once you're done scanning it. Jean's full name placed right next to yours in bold lettering has your stomach lurching. You don't have to read the rest to understand the new circumstances you've landed into.

To make matters worse Erwin places two rings down right in front of the both of you.

A pot of boiling hot water is what you've been thrown in.

Are you supposed to be some sort of replacement for potatoes? What's Jean in this scenario? Carrots?

"It is troublesome to have the two of you put on an act to be involved with one another but I see it as our safest option." Erwin notices your parted lips and slacked jaw. "You need not worry this isn't a marriage contract, you're simply acting."

There's no path out of this pot, you and Jean will simply have to deal with the prospect of being boiled alive.

Ah, you forgot to mention who would act as the hot water but you're sure the suspect is obvious.

Even right now Levi's fury radiates off of him, it's unclear if he was given the details of the Commander's plan beforehand but if his furrowed brow and pursed lips are indicators of the truth he must have had no idea.

Your suspicions are confirmed to be correct once Levi reaches forward plucking the paper away, it just so happens he's snatched it away the very moment Jean leans in to get a closer look at it.

"I was never informed of this."

Erwin gives him a guarded smile. "Do you have any jurisdiction over what I think is best?" Is his freezing reply.

"Yes. When it concerns my wife and another man - Correction. I meant boy."

Jean's taken aback by the subtle jab and shamefacedly shoves his hands into his pockets.

You watch the scene go down with a perplexed look the entire time. Levi's frustration seems to be legitimate yet he has no logical reason for it to ever be present in the first place. Unless he has a plan which outperforms the one you've just been given he's doing this all for nothing.

"I assure you your wife is in safe hands so long as you stop interfering."

Levi's about to bark back until he catches your confusion. He's become aware of your tilted head and telling expression and only then does he silence himself permanently not before sighing deeply, muttering an expletive under his breath.

"I’ll sign it.” That seems to be Jean’s indirect way of asking what your choice will be.

“I... will too.” Is your hesitant reply.

Levi only becomes avoidant after that. Half way through Erwin explaining how you and Jean have to look believable Levi just ups and leaves without a word. Perhaps you've hurt his pride but for what he's done to you it's a small price to pay and so you do nothing to make amends. He has no reason to feel uncomfortable, you aren't really his wife, you're essentially strangers. Does he even know your favourite colour? Your favourite food? Your favourite pastime?

You doubt he does.

Jean and you are rather successful with your act. It feels pleasant having him brush your hair out of your face occasionally or lovingly place a hand on your forehead to check if you've come down with a fever. He laces his fingers with yours when others are around and when they aren't he lets the act go. It's satisfying having a cooperative partner.

Naturally Jean is still a tease, even now he makes the odd suggestive comment or two in passing but you can't say you hate it. In fact it excites you to think of a response that borders the edge of teasing and simple fun between friends.

The increasing openness between the two of you is enough for the cadets to deduce that he's most probably the noble man you wed in secrecy.

It's only been a few days since yours and Jean's newfound behaviour, thankfully you haven't been flooded with questions just yet. The higher ups sit nearby during breakfast, lunch and dinner keeping watch over the cadets. It leaves you able to eat and drink without having to handle the constant inquiring of your comrades.

However, you aren't as lucky today. A meeting's taking place and after yours and Jean's convincing act Erwin deems it safe enough to leave you unattended for a short while.

Of course it doesn't go according to plan because when you're involved when does anything ever go according to plan?

The cadets are flocked around your table at dinner as soon as they notice they've been left to their own devices. The opportunity to sit down without everyone invading your space is barely provided to you. Krista is sat to your right leaning into you rather animatedly, Annie has made herself at home sat across you which in itself is completely out of character and slightly unnerving, Annie never and you repeat never concerns herself with you.

"Why did you and Jean hide it?" Armin hovers over your shoulder as per usual. He can't be blamed for naturally being inquisitive and it does give you the opportunity to lay out the foundations of your plan. Now's your time to muster up one of your rehearsed responses.

"It would interfere with work." You respond immediately wanting to appear natural. Pondering on an answer for too long would raise suspicions.

Armin makes a sound of approval and shuffles into the seat next to Krista, that is until Ymir can be overheard telling him to move if he knows what's best for him.

"I have a question." Says a voice across the table, you don't have to look at the blonde parallel to you to know it's her.

For once Annie’s initiated a conversation with you, she’s not particularly great at keeping her intentions discreet. Maybe she doesn’t care if you can tell what she’s up to? But if that’s the case her plan isn’t all that foolproof, there's no way you're to let any details slip away.

Sharply inhaling waiting for what it is she has to say you find that her sentence never comes. Instead she shakes her head and murmurs a "Never mind.". You don't even have the time to ask her to stick around, she's already rose from her seat taking her unfinished plate of food with her, you let her go assuming she feels unwell.

"So how'd you two meet? Jean already told me earlier but I'd like to hear your side." Reiner's taken Annie's empty seat and his gaze is unwavering. The trap they've set up is a clever one. Surveying the hall for Bertholdt you know he has to be observing too. The two never operate alone.

You suddenly hate Reiner. For whatever reason he and his trio are endlessly obsessed with you, they've caught onto something that's for sure but you don't know what it is and now they've completely ensnared you with a backhanded trick. There's no way out of this, you have no idea what it is Jean said to Reiner, the chances of you providing the exact same answer are slim to none.

"My memory is really fuzzy, I don't think Jean gave off much of a first impression so I've forgot." Your horrible excuse doesn't fly by, everyone simultaneously narrows their eyes in disbelief. What you've said isn't convincing at all.

Husband and Wife yet you've forgot how the two of you met?

Fidgeting with the ring adorning your finger the cool metal isn't doing a great job at alleviating the pressure of the situation.

"Jean said the two of you hit it off almost instantly. Who's being dishonest?"

Reiner's either lying to catch you out or he's saying the God honest truth and right now all you can do is hope and pray for a miracle to sweep you off your feet. Mikasa and Jean still aren't within view. At this point you're hoping for Levi to save you, it doesn't matter how so long as you escape unscathed.

"Hey, I think we're just making her anxious with all the questions." Armin is quick to side with you, deep down you know he only does so due to the respect he holds for his Commander. You thank the Heaven's for Erwin's admirable smile and commendable leadership, it seems to be the only reason Armin believes you and Jean.

"Or she's lying." Reiner's resting his head in one of his palms, he's still boring holes right into your frame.

Your eye twitches, this is all unnecessary and uncalled for, whatever it is Reiner wants out of you it better be worthwhile.

He still eggs you on. "You walked out of the Captain's quarters. I saw you."

Standing up and leaning forward you plant your feet to the ground as firmly as you can you.

"And if she did what's it to you?"

Fighting the urge to sigh in relief you've never been happier to hear Jean's voice but something's off. His breathing sounds heavy - like he fought his way to get inside. Turning only then do you notice Mikasa standing by him. She looks equally as exhausted. There's been some sort of a struggle.

"You think it was funny getting Annie to guard the door?" He heaves and runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

"And you think hiding secrets from the rest of us is any better?" Reiner's adamant there's information that the both of you are hiding, he's not wrong but that doesn't change that he's challenging you unprovoked without a reasonable motive.

"We're hiding nothing." Unlike you Jean is sure of his words, he's confident speaking up and he seems to be able to pull off the role of a protective husband perfectly.

“I came out of the Captain’s quarters because he had access to hot water. He said I could use his shower. That’s all it was.”

Reiner quirks an eyebrow upwards and is pleased with your answer. God you’ve said something incriminating haven’t you? It's not incriminating per se but it's without doubt malleable and easy to twist.

“Jean, you were okay with your wife doing that at the dead of night?” Reiner's still leading the interrogation.

“I was the one who suggested it.”

“I don’t believe you’re a couple." If it were Reiner who said that you wouldn't care much, after all it's pretty clear he never believed it but to your displeasure it isn't him who's spoken. Ymir's lopsided grin is all knowing and you're beginning to lose your footing in this argument any second now if any more people start to side against you.

If Ymir disagrees that almost certainly means Krista has her qualms about you too, you've observed beforehand that Ymir tends to speak for Krista on occasion. This happens to be one of those times.

Krista timidly raises her hand and Ymir gives her an approving nod encouraging her to speak.

"I don't like the conflict going on but it is suspicious..."

"Why have I only ever seen you two hold hands?" She asks.

Ymir slings her arm over Krista's shoulder affectionately. "Yeah, I tell Krista I'll marry her every day of the week."

Mikasa mumbles something unintelligible, Ymir gives her a look of warning but Mikasa doesn't seem to care. Instead she repeats what she has to say loud and clear.

"Stick to only speaking when Krista is involved."

Krista holds Ymir by her arm so she doesn't get up, she knows how she gets when she's been provoked. Even if Krista has her suspicions it isn't worth Ymir gaining a permanent penalty point on her record.

Thankfully Armin cuts in. "There's no solid evidence to show they're lying and even if they are the Commander's most probably told them to. Don't you think there's a reason? Leave it be if that's the case. I trust him with our lives."

"We have a right to know." Annie's returned and insists to keep this back and forth going.

Just as you're about to fire back Jean takes a hold of your waist, you look down and seeing his large hands planted securely around your frame has your stomach bubbling with anticipation.

"What are you— "

And then he kisses you, he doesn't ask and instinctively your arms move to whack his chest but you stop yourself in time. You realize it's for the sake of your plan not falling through and so you gently place your hands on his shoulders attempting to ground yourself. It becomes increasingly difficult when you sink deeper into the kiss than you'd like to admit. Blood rushes to the tips of your ears and the thumping of your heartbeat makes it difficult to articulate any thoughts, all you really know is that you like this, whatever this is.

Jean's hands don't feel like they were made to rest against your back, they feel slightly out of place as if he's a key and you're an unmatched lock. In spite of that the circles he comfortingly rubs into the sides of your waist are appreciated, you almost forget you're in a room full of people until you're flooded by cold air.

You've been dragged off of Jean and something in the pit of your stomach has you wishing Levi isn't responsible for the interruption.

To your relief it's just Hange, they're glowing in mischief, the grin on their face shows they aren't mad. They might even find this entertaining.

"Well I be damned... maybe they weren't bluffing?" Connie's been persuaded by the looks of it and Krista's busy whispering to Ymir, you hear the faint sound of the word "Romantic" escape her lips, she's equally as convinced as Connie.

Hange smacks your back light-heartedly and looks to the door for a second. "We leave ya' both for a while and you decide to give everyone a show?"

Erwin's stood by the doorway with a humorous smile playing at his lips, Levi however is anything but amused, he glares at you with murderous eyes, he looks like he's ready to end your life then and there but you know he won't dare do so and for a second you feel braver than you ever have before. Without much thought you grab onto Jean's forearm.

"Me and my husband will get going now!" You allow your gaze to loiter when you get to Reiner. He grunts an apology and you're oh so tempted to ask him to repeat himself but you'd rather not instigate anything.

With that said and done you and Jean leave after giving the performance of your lives.

Slowly but gradually the sky outside becomes dark.

The will to sleep left your body long ago. It's by pure luck that you even manage to catch three hours of rest. Training is the only available distraction and dying out in battle isn't favourable by any means, your boredom may as well be used resourcefully - Strapping yourself up in your ODM gear is the best option.

A quarter way through your warm up you can sense a presence behind you, the leaves rustle and the wind feels noticeably quieter. You'd bother to turn around to see who's intruded but Levi's snuck close enough for you to be able to smell his perfume from where you're stood.

"Feel disrespected? Embarrassed even?" You jab at him knowing it'll rile him up, you don't face him not wanting to give him the pleasure of seeing your face.

"Watch your mouth." he warns sharply.

Rolling your eyes you go about your business, it stays that way for a few minutes. All the while Levi stares at you darting from tree to tree, his scrutinizing gaze scalding you repeatedly.

"Y/N!" He yells at the top of his lungs.

For some unknown reason you automatically stop and lower yourself to the ground

"I have something to tell you." Comes his tense follow up. A finger of his latches onto one of the leather straps on your back.

You can't believe he's still denying the undeniable.

"You can wait till tomorrow. I'll be going to bed."

Levi doesn't seem to care for your cold response and proceeds with no warning.

"I'm jealous." His voice shakes. The grip he has on your harness doesn't let up. With your back turned to him you're still somehow able to detect the very obvious crack of pain.

Levi, jealous?

Gritting your teeth together you feel deceived.

How much longer will you have to tolerate Levi's push and pull?

“May I ask, what he is to you, my love?”

Your breathing grows heavy, tensing up you're completely shocked by the term of endearment that falls from his lips. You haven't heard it for so long, Levi sounds eerily different.

You hate to admit it but a flicker of foolish hope lights in your chest.

"Levi why would you ask— "

"Why don't you call me Lev anymore?" He whispers sounding strangled. You can't take it anymore and hesitantly look his way.

His eyes are filled with tears "I'm sorry my love, I don't know what went wrong." you falter for a second not knowing what to think.

At that moment the flicker becomes a flame.

The man who stands right before you is meant to be dead, never to be seen again. By all accounts this should be impossible, but Lev has always been a fighter.

Bitterness stings your heart, the wounds you've collected are still fresh but despite your body's protests you don't flinch when he gently takes a hold of your wrist, bringing it closer to his mouth.

"Lev...? Is that really you...?" You ask desperately.

The warm kiss he presses against your pulse point provides you with the answer you've been longing for.

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astro-rain · 3 years

Text

delicate; b.barnes

chapter six - “lake, the sequel”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: reader seeks out bucky after his dramatic exit and they find themselves earnestly conversing... back at the lake

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this story is available on my wattpad as a bucky x OC fic @ / typicaldaze :)

He didn't like this feeling. No, he didn't like this feeling at all. He hated it, in fact. It was betrayal, bodily betrayal. He just could not sit in that room any longer or he would've peeled his skin off. His lungs felt as if they were bound with barbed wire and the state of his stomach had him worried he was going to throw up. Most of all he felt guilty. How could he have just stormed out of the room like that? She was going to hate him now. How could he let this happen?

He was thinking this over whilst sitting at the lake, hands in the grass, trying to distract the physical body from the mental cacophony he had just endured. He had somehow found his way there after leaving Y/N. These extremely unpleasant sensations were unfamiliar. Was he sick? Could he have been drugged? He was so confused. Bucky realized he seemed to be confused most of the time. Following that realization, he became mildly pissed off.

The super soldier stared out at the lake. It was a calm day, the water tranquil and clear. It was a stark contrast against his stress. He leaned forward and looked into the water at his reflection.

"Damn," he said out loud.

Is that really what I look like now?

His eyes traced over the long shaggy hair, dark under eyes, and the subtle but noticeable worry lines. This sight reminded him of when he broke the mirror at his old place in Bucharest. Now he remembered why. God, he looked as fucked up as he was. He leaned back and tossed a stone at where his reflection had been.

A deep sigh left his lungs, which were now conveniently working properly.

"Fuckers," he muttered, referring to the mercurial organs.

He had spent nearly two years alone in Bucharest, and he had grown accustomed to living in this new body. He was always on edge, that much he could tell. However, he was never too introspective; he never thought about his feelings or his behavior. All he was focused on was surviving. When there is more to life than survival, that's when things get complicated... not that they weren't complicated before. God, he was running in circles inside his own mind. His scarred and ruined and manipulated mind that resided in this body that was used as a tool for destruction and violence and death-

"Hey."

His head whipped around, startled out of his thought frenzy. Always on edge. Mentally, he shook his head in disappointment.

"Oh! (Y/N)!"

He stood up immediately. "Listen, I'm so sorry about before, I don't know what-"

"It's okay," she said quickly, holding up her hands. "Bucky, you do not need to apologize, everything is totally fine."

He was taken aback. Words didn't seem to work.

"I'm not mad if that's what you were thinking," she said.

"You're not?"

"No, of course not. If anything I was worried."

"I- Worried?"

"Yes, you were clearly in distress, and that room was the last place you wanted to be. I'm glad you found your way back here because you look much better now," (Y/N) explained with earnest eyes.

She could tell he was freaked out? She probably thinks he's insane.

"Yeah, I... I think I'm better now."

He was far from okay, but definitely better than before.

The psychologist sat down next to where he was standing. He didn't move, but looked down at her.

"I don't think it'd be wise to leave you alone here considering you're supposed to be in a session with me right now and you can't go anywhere without an escort. It would most likely lead to suspicion and then trouble you don't need. I'm going to stay with you. We can continue the session if you'd like, but if not we can just sit."

She said this all while looking straight forward at the water.

In all honesty he wasn't sure what to say, so he settled with a breathy, "Okay," before sitting down next to her.

"I'm getting the vibe that this is more of a just sit situation..."

"Yeah... I think I'm all therapy-ed out for today," Bucky said in a meek attempt at a joke.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a wide smile. He then realized that she didn't know he could see it, and that's why this smile seemed different. Most differents in Bucky's life hadn't been outstandingly pleasant. But this was a welcome different. This was a good different. It was genuine and unbridled. That was the most open he'd ever seen her.

Every now and then he forgot that he was a literal trained super spy. He may not have any PhD's, but he had his own way of reading behavior, cues, and subtleties. Perhaps he'd make an effort to be more observant. Perhaps he wanted to learn a little more about what else was behind this new different.

A few beats of comfortable silence passed before he heard the word again.

"Hey," (Y/N) started softly. "I'm sorry if I went a little too far today. I know I said our first session wouldn't be much, but I realize I was pushing too far."

"Oh, it's okay," Bucky replied, looking down at the grass between his knees. "I think it's more my fault anyway. It's not like the questions were super intense."

He let out a loaded sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Bucky it's really okay. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. This whole process is supposed to be based on your comfort levels and at your own pace. And there's nothing wrong with you. Your reaction was completely normal given the circumstances."

Bucky wasn't terribly familiar with reassurance. He turned his head, looking at her dead on. She was so genuine, like she knew all of what she was saying was the all encompassing truth.

Echoes of different combinations of "there's nothing wrong with you" and "completely normal" and "your own pace" flitted around inside him until they melted into a feeling he hadn't felt in so long: hope. It was horrifying... yet it gave him a kind of relief he didn't know he could feel.

The super soldier then realized that (Y/N) was looking right back at him dead on. He was about to stumble through some sort of apology for staring or thankful expression for her kindness, but he noticed that she didn't look like she was necessarily waiting for a response. She was just... looking.

Bucky tried to say something, anything. But he just couldn't seem to pull his eyes away. In this brief moment, he felt crystallized. His conscious, logical brain was somewhere far away, hypnotized by the stillness of the moment. It was only a few seconds, but somehow felt longer. These very few seconds of mental sedation were soon over.

Speak, idiot.

He snapped back to reality, suddenly finding himself inspecting at the grass below him.

"Thank you."

"Of course," she replied without missing a beat. Her tone of voice was water soft.

"(Y/N), do you... do you know what happened with me earlier?" he asked, cautiously. "Like, what was wrong- I mean, not wrong but why I-"

He sighed frustratingly, cutting himself off.

Her face was patient, but she was waiting for a description of something he didn't know how to describe.

"I know I said we were done for today, but I-I don't know how to explain it, and I want to know what it is," he confessed.

"I think you had an anxiety attack."

Anxiety? That couldn't be right. There's no way that could've been from being nervous.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Anxiety. It seemed as though you were experiencing high amounts of anxiety. Most people get nervous at times, but those tiny amounts are normal. But, some other people are a lot more nervous a lot more of the time. Sometimes, these peoples' anxiety can get particularly high and be so overwhelming that their body kinda takes over, and they can experience really uncomfortable physical symptoms, and this can turn into an anxiety attack."

"I thought I was... sick or... or drugged or something."

"Well, I'm almost certain you weren't drugged, and I'm pretty sure you can't even get sick."

"Oh."

He honestly didn't know what to say.

"Bucky," she looked straight at him again and he almost felt himself slipping. "In terms of psychology, a lot has progressed since the 40's. I'm not sure how anxiety was presented or studied then, but there's really a lot more to it than people think. And honestly, given your situation, it would be strange if you didn't develop an anxiety disorder."

Anxiety disorder?

"Anxiety disorder? I have that?"

"Well, again, I think we have to do more work to confirm, but that's what it seems like."

"I thought you said I had PTSD?"

"I do. I think you have both."

Christ.

"Wow, I'm a whole sack 'a problems, aren't I?" he chuckled, giving up on trying to internally oppose his short comings.

"You're not a problem, Buck. You had to deal with a whole sack of problems, though," she smiled.

The nickname didn't miss his radar. Was that the first time she's called him that? He ignored how he liked it.

"That's for damn sure."

They conversed for a while after that, and didn't seem to notice how late it was until the sun began to set. The ending day's reflection on the water created an aura so relaxing Bucky didn't want to move. But alas, reality calls.

(Y/N) stood up. "If you're not back soon, they'll start looking for you. We should probably get going."

Bucky stood up, too, following her request.

"I'll walk you back to your quarters," she offered.

And so they went, conversation continuing naturally, as if they were old friends. Bucky found it strange that someone he knew so little was so easy to talk to. He brushed it off as some inherent therapist quality.

He still found her hard to read although he knew her more with each passing word between them.

Despite all of this, the walk back, with cool air, a melting sky, and languid steps, was the best thing he had experienced since coming out of cryo. His memory may be spotty, and his mind may be rough, but this, this he was sure of.

#bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky headcanon #marvel #steve rogers #bucky reader insert #marvel fanfiction #bucky blurb #bucky drabble #bucky fic #james bucky barnes #james buchanan bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x female reader #captain america fanfiction #marvel fanfic rec

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tarlos-spain · 3 years

Text

Flufftober Day 6 - FIREMAN’S CARRY

Fandom: 9-1-1

Pairing: Eddie Diaz/Evan "Buck" Buckley

Characters: Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley

After the storm

Chapter 6:

Buck couldn't stop laughing, his belly almost hurt from how hard he was laughing and he couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop, he was having the happiest day of his life to do anything to spoil the moment.

Eddie carried him and threw him on the bed and then got on top of him, trapping him under his body and kissing him non-stop.

It had been a long shift, a double shift because of the damn pyramids in the woods, they hadn't had a chance to take a shower because the water in the barracks wasn't working and besides Christopher had a bad cold.

Neither of them had thought that day could end like this, with laughter, kisses and the feeling that they were creating something new, together.

Eddie braced Buck's arms against the bed and stared into his eyes.

"You like it when I do that don't you?" "What do you mean?" Buck asked. "You almost forced me to carry you to bed." "I didn't do anything." Buck struggled with Eddie to try to sit up, but he was stronger than he was and he liked that. "You threw yourself off me while there was the door to the house and then you told me you couldn't walk." "I was tired, it's been a long day, two shifts and..." "See how you like to mess things up."

Eddie pounced on Buck and began to slide his mouth from his lips to his neck and shoulders.

Buck wrapped his legs around Eddie's hips and pulled him tight against him.

That night was not the first time that day that Eddie had carried him. Buck was capable of risking his life for any stranger, in any circumstance and no matter if he put himself in danger, because he knew Eddie was there, arms outstretched, ready to catch him when he fell and keep him from hurting himself.

That day was no different. Someone had left a flammable object in the middle of the forest, they had been told to be careful, but those kids, little more than teenagers had wandered into the middle of the fire to take some selfies.

As stupid as it was what they had done, Buck had not hesitated, he had to save them. The explosion had thrown them into a ravine behind them. If it hadn't been for the fact that he'd been a little stunned, he could have gotten out of there without any trouble.

But there was Eddie, that Superman who hated it when Buck called him that. "Then Christopher will use it and think I'm really Superman." "Christopher's almost eleven, I assure you he doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore, he's not going to think you're a real superhero."

The thing was, there was Eddie, carrying him to insurance and then telling him off for being so irresponsible, but with that look of someone who is in love with the other person and aroused by the fear that something might happen to him.

The sex after a particularly long day and a situation where one of them, especially Buck, was risking his neck for some reason, was incredible, passionate, physical and eternal between the bed sheets.

"When are you going to let yourself stick your neck out like that? I've already been widowed once, I wouldn't want to do it twice." "Widowed? When did we get married?"

Eddie sat up in bed and threw his cunt on top of her.

"That's not the point, you idiot. What I mean is that I love you, okay? I love you, Christopher loves you and we don't want to lose you. We've suffered enough with the loss of your mother and that, it sounds bad, I know, but I didn't love her like I used to. So now I can't afford to lose you because I don't think I could bear it."

Eddie hadn't seen Buck so quiet since he'd known him. He had stared at him and seemed to have turned into a statue.

"Buck?" "You just said you loved me." "Ahm, yes, that's what I just said." "And that's it?" "What do you mean?" Eddie asked puzzled. "How can you just say offhandedly that you want to, like it's such a normal thing and stay like that?" "What do you want me to do, jump on you and have sex with you all night?" "Wouldn't be bad to start the truth."

Eddie threw the cushion in his face again, but he brushed it off a moment later, threw it on the floor and just as he had said a second before, lunged at Buck to show him, just as Buck wanted, just how much he loved him.

#flufftober2021 #Buddie #9-1-1

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irepookie · 5 years

Text

Infinity Chapter 5: IT CAN'T BE LIKE THIS FOREVER

Summary: QUEEN AU where Roger Taylor (aka Rowan Queen) is a young single dad struggling to make it into music industry.

Warnings: not really. Just fluff, sappiness and swear words here and there

Disclaimer: I don't own the pictures. The boys are based on Queen, but Piper, Gina and Callie are mine.

Chapter 5: Basically Row's and Piper's first day on their own, narrative shifting from normal to Row's inner train of thought.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Throughout his life, Row would regularly look back with infinite fondness and amusement at the first day he spent on his own with his daughter.

But today, as both him and his week old infant cried in each other's ears, he didn't think either of them would make it through another 24 hours, let alone long enough to look back and laugh at it.

He thought he wouldn't get to the end of the parenting book he was with at the moment with his sanity intact.

He had read many books that contradicted each other. And this one was no exception.

Some said to follow a feeding schedule.

Others to do so whenever she'd demanded it.

Some said that bathing was bad for the umbilical cord.

Some others recommend to rub it with alcohol to help it fall early.

And others said not to touch it. To simply leave it alone.

Then there was Callie and her usual phrase echoing on his head "The best thing is to follow your instincts".

But that didn't help a damn either cause his instinct was messed up.

He had also read somewhere that sharing bed was good at the beginning. That it helped preventing SIDS.

Then on the next book, that sharing room was fine at first, but that bed was a risk factor in SIDS.

But hold on.

What the hell was SIDS?

They mentioned it everywhere. He went through all the pages until he found it, only to be left breathless when finding out what what it stood for:

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Whose exact cause was still unknown , and although there were some preventive stuff to do -on which, by the way, all the bloody books differed- there was nothing 100% safe.

So, they meant his little Piper could just fucking die for no goddamn reason, and he wouldn't be able to do nothing about it? What the fuck! It wasn't fair!

So he found himself on the phone, dialing the number he always recurred to in times of trouble.

"I think I broke her, mom" he said as soon as he heard her pick up.

"You can't break a person, Row"

"Well, there's a first time for everything."

"Don't be overdramatic. You didn't expect it to be easy, did ya? Or you thought she was gonna be like a doll, huh? Like those that have a switch for when you get tired of playing house?"

"No but I didn't think... I mean she was much quieter in the hospital."

"Well, darling, she must have sensed the move or something."

"You mean she doesn't like my place?"

"No, you silly. Although there's room for improvement in the style... But that's not the point. She just needs time to get used to it. Also I bet she can sense your unease."

"Uh?"

"Babies have this sixth sense when it comes to the emotions of those around them. Specially mother's... Or well, in this case, you. So if she senses you're frustrated, she'll get more distressed."

"Oh." was all he could say.

"Where is she now?"

"She's right..." He looked down at the bundle he had been holding and rocking only to realize it was a bunch of dirty clothes.

Where was she? Had he lost his daughter after 5 hours? Fuck! Fucking idiot

For a moment, he forgot where he had put her and a million terrifying thoughts flashed on his head.

She wasn't crying at the moment.

And that was good.

Right?

Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was the worst thing.

Maybe one of the pillows on the sofa had fallen over her and suffocated her.

Or maybe he had mistaken her for a dirty bundle of clothes and put her in the laundry and...

"Rowan?"

"She's asleep on the bed." He suddenly remembered, peering at his bedroom to check he was right. He was. She was asleep, right in the middle of the mattress, exactly where he had placed her 10 minutes earlier.

"Then take this chance and sleep. You're good at sleeping."

It was definitely a good idea. So he hung up and tiptoed to the bedroom. He reached the bed and froze, trying to think of a way of climbing in without startling her awake.

Maybe the matress sinking at his weight woke her up. And if he got past that, perhaps if he dared to move or rolled in his sleep, he'd wake her up... Or worst; he had heard about the hundreds of kids that died overnight suffocated by their parents.

No. He decided he couldn't sleep with her.

So he got the bunch of dirty clothes and laid on the floor besides the bed, using the bundle as a pillow. He fell right off to sleep.

He woke up four hours later, and the room was still silent.

Shouldn't she need something? Shouldn't she have woken me up?

Once again, a feeling of fear invaded him as he jumped to his feet, and put a small mirror in front of her nose to make sure she was still breathing.

She was.

He sighed with relief and pecked her forehead before tiptoeing out.

He decided to make a sandwich or something, cause his stomach was roaring. Halfway through eating it, he ran his eyes through the parenting book he had left opened on the counter:

<<If your baby sleeps 4 straight hours or more wake them up for a feed; otherwise they could become dihydrated...>>

Fuck. She had been dozing for 4 hours and 20 minutes.

So he hurried into the bedroom, and leaned over the tiny bundle, a smile escaping his lips. She did know how to sleep after all. And she looked like an angel. So peaceful. Calm. It almost hurt him to disturb her. But he had to.

"Hey lil'raisin. C'mon, it's snack time" he said, gently lifting her up. "Hey, lovie. Wake up" he knew one thing he shouldn't do under any circumstances: shake her. Or make harsh movements. As that would lead to Major Danger #2:

Shaken Baby Syndrome. And that was under his control.

So he blew on her cheek instead and got her to open her eyes "Hey, Sleeping Gorgeous" he greeted, holding her up so they were face to face.

She looked up at him, directly into his eyes and something inside him melted.

Perhaps she had finally settled. Maybe now they were both fresh and rested she'd go easy on him. He could do this.

But then her face scrunched up and she whined.

"Oh no, no, no, baby, what is it? Don't cry. Don't cry. C'mon." Then he felt a warm liquid on his hand. "Okay, okay, message received. Let's do this"

He got a towel and unswaddled her, hoping he'd be able to remember how it was done afterwards and praying for it only being number one. It was, but he hadn't folded the nappy correctly and it had leaked all over the onesie, the blanket and... His duvet. Goddamn it.

He sighed. If he kept calm, she'd sense it. "Okay, me darl. Shh. Hold on a second. Where... Where've I left the nappies? Where?" He looked around the room but no sight of the pack. Shit. Last time he had changed her in the living room? So it had to be there. "Okay, hang on a minute sweets. I'll be right back" he ran out to get the pack, as the wailing got louder.

"Alright. Alright. I've got it, I've got it. I'm here. Hush" he managed to do it surprisingly fast and without new incidents. "Alright, alright. Almost done. C'mere." He lifted her up, checking the nappy was properly sealed, and went to the kitchen area where he had left the last clean onesie.

On his way, he found the pinky he had been looking for earlier as well "Hey look at this. Here it was." he washed it with water and put it in her open mouth. She began to suck instinctively, calming down.

Thank. Fucking. Goodness.

He sighed in relief.

He could do this.

He laid her down in the kitchen counter, so he could wash his hands, throw his wee stained t-shirt to the washer and unfold the onesie. She squirmed a little, but kept quiet.

"Alright, let's put this on you. Please don't squirm too much, darling. I don't want to hurt you." he pleaded.

"Okay, it's all done" he announced 10 minutes later, when he finally managed to button up all the miniscule buttons on the onesie. Bloody miniscule buttons made for small mothers' hands.

"What's next? Oh yes, bottle. Alright. Coming right up"

Just when he had put the bottle to warm up, she spit the pinky, and began fussing. "Hey, love , here" he put it back, but she spit again. "You ain't buying it, are you? You're hungry, and the pinky isn't fooling you." He chuckled "Clever girl. Alright, it's almost done so don't worry, okay? It's almost there" he took her back into his arms, and paced around until the microwave beeped.

He made a mental note to never again waking her up before the bottle was done.

Never again.

"Okay Princess. Here's your cocktail, made with love." he announced, as he carried her to the couch and sat down, propping her up and watching as she immediately sucked into the nipple, face relaxing instantly.

"Yea, you were hungry right? That's what happens when you sleep through lunch time. I hope you've learned your lesson, and that next time, you let me know alright?" He grinned, as a hand closed around his hair.

But she suddenly pulled away from the nipple and began to fuss again, halfway through the bottle "What? That's all? You're done? So much impatience for half a bottle? No, you've gotta keep going. C'mon" he offered the nipple, and she rejected it, hand pulling his hair

"Ow! Ow! Pips, no honey. Let go. C'mon. C'mon dear, let go." he set the bottle aside and used his free hand to untangle hers from his hair. She cried louder. "Hey, okay, okay, you can pull my hair off if you keep quiet. Uh? Deal?" He got more cries in response. His face fell.

"But you never did this in hospital. You didn't give Daddy hell like this. Why now? Why do you do this when I'm all alone? Am I such a bad dad? I mean I'm following every step. I'm doing my best. Please give me a break" he pleaded, changing her to an upright position.

He was doing nothing wrong, was he? He was doing everything just like he had been taught in hospital.

Well except maybe...

He had an idea and laid her on the couch "Alright, shhh. Let's try this one" he said, unbuttoning her onesie again, -making a mental note to ask Len if he could get him some bigger ones that wouldn't take forever to deal with- and bringing her back to his chest. She instinctively snuggled up, and quieted within seconds at the contact of both their skins.

And he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. "So you just wanted this? Well you should've said so earlier." He did both, out of amusement and relief.

Fuck he had cried more these past 7 hours than in the entire last decade. It was ridiculous, really. That someone so little could have such a big effect on him.

"So, where were we hon?" He offered the bottle and this time she did latch, body glued to his, and grey piercing eyes looking right through him, as if she was staring at his soul, as if she was reminding him why he was doing all this. And all the worries that had crowed him until that moment, just disappeared.

I can do this.

He didn't detach her from his chest for the rest of the day, as that seemed to keep her at peace and he didn't mind it. Rather enjoyed it.

So he changed his peed sheets and threw the nappy away, made himself some coffee and broke the mug in the process, as he struggled to do the whole thing with one hand. Then he had to pick it up and cut himself off with one of the shattered pieces. However, he didn't mind: it was worth it as long as she remained undisturbed.

"Are you two better?" Mom asked when she called in the evening.

"Yes, yes. We're... We're alright. Got the ultimate trick. I think we came to an understanding."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. Where is she, by the way?"

"Right here." he pressed his lips on the top of her head, rested on his shoulder.

"Has she eaten properly?'

"Aye. Then spat some of it on me and... Yea. I think she's good." she had finished both bottles fairly quickly.

"And you? How are you eating?"

"Managed to eat half a sandwich. So not too bad."

"Finish it."

"I'm fine, mother."

"Row by neglecting yourself you're putting her in danger too. So eat properly and stay sane for the sake of you both, okay?"

He sighed. "Alright. I'll finish the stupid sandwich."

"And eat some food or whatever. Vitamins."

"Shit, this is like being 10 again."

They hung up and Row did as told, in spite of himself. Mom had a point.

So he finished the sandwich and grabbed an apple, eating it in bites, chewing it slowly and as silently as possible so he wouldn't disturb his daughter.

Damn it was cold. He'd have to turn the heat on, which he never did cause the bill afterwards was terrifying. But hell, both of them were half naked in February. And he had already spent a fortune on that prune sized person, might as well keep her alive and warm.

Then he laid down with her cuddled on his bare chest as she breathed in uneven, scary patterns, which Callie had told him were normal.

And soon, he found they were breathing in sync, every breath he took was three of hers. Or 5. Or none.

But it was normal, he reminded himself. Her breathing system has to develop still. She's fine.

He was exhausted, but completely wakeful at the same time, cause he was hypnotized by the sight of his little sleeping prune.

Like he would be countless nights in the future.

Because there was no better remedy for panic, no better way to put his thoughts in order and make him feel the strongest, happiest man on Earth than the sight of his daughter sleeping.

🥁🥁🥁🥁

As always, a big Heya to my only reader friend, @definitely-darcy. As you know I'm nervous about this chapter, but I enjoyed writing it a lot. So I hope you like It.

Xx ~Pookie

#queen band #roger taylor #queen fic #dad!roger taylor #roger taylor daughter #single dad! roger taylor #it won't be like this for long

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