on the off chance anyone on here followed me for my jonmartin fake dating au, currently standing tragically unfinished at 7 out of 8 chapters: i'm still working on the last chapter! i would love to have it up this year, but unfortunately i can't make any promises, because i've started a new medication and the side effects are wreaking havoc on my mind and body. haha isn't chronic illness fun. but rest assured the fic is the beating heart under my floorboards, and i WILL finish it one day

8. Warm

BEHOLD.

18+...kinda?

The last twinkles of dawn have faded as morning balances on a pin, almost ready to fall into day. It is at this edge that you finally rise and shine.

Except there is no rising and shining, no. There is no wakey wakey eggs and bakey. Why?

Because you are stuck. Stuck between slipping into the waking world or letting yourself drift back into blessed sleep. It's the strangest thing, you can't quite decide what you want so...you'll just have to float among the cozy clouds of indecision for the time being. 

At least for five more minutes.

You're not the only one having trouble. Otto is still stretched out on the sofa with you on top of him, holding him captive. Not that that's what he'd consider to be the problem, however.

As it just so happens, after he had updated his brothers about your condition, he had shifted his position a little. Nothing much, just slipped a leg from its resting place on the cushions and the sofa arm to the floor below. Your furniture was just a little too short for a man of his height to stretch out properly on without his feet dangling off the edge.

This is when his little problem popped up; after he moved, you adjusted your position as well. Still settled between his legs and on his chest, you subconsciously decided to slide your leg up and over his thigh. Settling the pressure of your pelvis right into his.

Thank goodness his brothers were preoccupied; Axel was still in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast, and Oscar was distracted with the kittens on the other side of the coffee table. The cover that the thick quilt provided was also much appreciated.

He tried a couple times to shift his hips away, but you would follow him with every movement. Or more accurately, you had no choice but to follow with your leg hooked over his like this. The gentle rub and slide of your lower body against his was starting to become...distracting. 

On his third valiant attempt you let out a soft sweet little sound into his chest, forcing the poor man motionless under you. While another part of him stirred.

That's it.

Determined, Otto grips the back of your bent knee with one hand while the other dips to grab the back of your thigh just under your rear. With a firm pull, he drags you further up his chest, away from his hips.

Your lungs fill with a deep breath as the abrupt movement has you tensing, your hand sliding up over his collarbone and back down to his chest as sleep pulls away from you.

Otto grunts, "Awake now?"

Groggy, your head lifts sluggishly from your living pillow, eyes half-lidded and hair fittingly tousled. 

Your nose crinkles cutely, "...somethin' like that.

Large fingers brush some errant locks of your hair from your face before the man asks, "Still tired? Better?"

Pushing yourself up a bit on your forearms, you take a moment to hide a yawn in your shoulder before returning your attention to Otto, "...Both. It's expected; it usually takes a day...maybe?...for my sleep schedule to go back to normal."

The heel of your palm rubs carefully at your eye, "Bad cold spells aren't very common, but they pop up more around winter. Last longer too."

Otto's brow furrows as Axel interjects, "Still had weeks of cold, but it's different?"

Peering sleepily around the living room for the surly man with the slicked-back hair, you realize his voice drifted in from the kitchen.

"Well..during these weeks the cold spell was inconsistent. Most are. What's the phrase thing...like a roller coaster? Boat on the waves?"

The tallest brother nods his understanding, "Up and down."

"Mhm. Some nights I'm warmer and get more sleep, it's more manageable. Winter spells are more...constant. Less changing..."

Your head droops, "..and a lot more aggravating for it."

Somewhere during the conversation, Axel finishes up in the kitchen and takes a seat in the armchair next to the sofa. Meanwhile Otto's arms have returned to rest lightly on your back. Warm for the first time in weeks, your body refuses to even consider the thought of slipping away from the man. You're staying right where you are. 

The fear prickles in the back of your mind that if you do move away, you'll find the cold waiting to cut right through the warmth and pick up where it left off. Of course you know it doesn't work like that, but the thought stubbornly lingers.

From across the coffee table, lying sprawled on the carpet with napping kittens, a hidden Oscar asks, "You deal with winter how? 

With a jolt you glance around the room, fingers curling in the warm material of Otto's long johns while the man himself gives an amused huff.

"...Uh..It's..pretty much the same with the cold spells...but I wear more layers during the day and..and lots of blankets at night."

Still not able to see the youngest despite your efforts, you have to ask, "Oscar what are you doing down there?"

Silence.

As you lift yourself up more to see past the coffee table, you're greeted with nothing but carpet. 

"...Well that's spook-" 

Before you have a chance to finish your sentence, dastardly digits slip into your hair from behind and wiggle against your nape feathers, courtesy of a certain sneaky bastard. It's been a while since Oscar's last sneak attack, but this one takes the proverbial cake.

With a muffled squeal you duck back down to Otto to escape his mischievous brother, yanking the quilt up to buffer the back of your neck. Oscar smirks and leans back up, steadying the kitten that was slipping off his shoulder. Axel side-eyes him but pays little mind to his antics, his focus is mainly on the conundrum that is his empty mug.

The youngest grunts, "Revenge, du liten retas."

A single word in Oscar's declaration catches your indignant attention, "Revenge? For what you fiend?"

Axel stands to stroll to the kitchen to rectify his coffeeless issue, reminding you on the way. 

"Babysitter."

Otto lightly rubs your back, nodding as if it was a necessary evil.

You grumble, "...Ah. Right. Well I hope everyone's thirst for vengeance has been sated."

With your righteous fury briefly mollified, you pout up at Oscar and his little accomplice. Thing 1 wobbles a bit, clinging to the fabric of his shoulder. 

You allow yourself a moment to admire the man's slim turtleneck sweater paired with his button suspenders. The long-sleeved garment appears to be on the older side, as much of their apparel seems to be, but the deep pewter color doesn't appear to have faded yet. The form fitting material molds quite nicely to the brawn of his arms, showing off muscles earned from a life of hard work. 

Really all three men can boast of possessing a certain physical prowess, of which Otto himself had demonstrated for you last night. You're not sure what had made your heart pound more, being carried by the man or being snuggled up against him to sleep.

With these thoughts rattling around in your head, you become slightly more conscious of the situation; of the feel of his body pressed to yours, of his hands at your back. That's one way to wake yourself up.

The tiny precariously perched feline serves a decent distraction from the attractiveness of these men. You sit up, rear hovering over Otto's lap to give some attention to Thing 1. Steadying yourself with a hand on the top of the sofa, you reach up to the kitten to give its tiny forehead a rub as Oscar leans down a bit to accommodate you.

"I don't think the kittens are quite ready to become official shoulder cats. They're not the most coordinated yet."

You can't help but be a worry wart with such itty bitty animals in your care.

Oscar broods, tilting his head to observe his cargo, "..Too small?"

With your little roller coaster metaphor still on the brain, you reply without thinking, "You must be this tall to ride the Oscar."

You hear a slight clattering in the kitchen as Oscar's eyes widen in surprise and naughty delight. Otto's hands twitch as he swallows thickly. Both brother's eyes trail the slope of your body from different angles.

The larger man's drifting thoughts backstab his good intentions and leave them to die in the gutter; admiring your legs spread either side of his hips, his gaze rests on a certain part of your anatomy that is hovering above a certain part of his anatomy, taunting him with possibilities...

One such possibility being you bare and ready, perched astride him just like this but waiting to be guided down to swallow up every inch-

The snicker from Oscar thankfully breaks the spell Otto is under, the big man scowling as he watches the smaller lean slightly towards your arm. He wouldn't...

Oscar dips his head, lips brushing your skin as his eyes flick to Otto before settling back on you. After finding the two of you cuddled up together and his brother getting handsy? Oh, he absolutely would.

He grins, "Warning, will get wet."

With that, his teeth press gently to the inside of your wrist in a loose open mouthed bite as something wet and warm flicks over your skin.

You pull your arm away from his mouth with a yelp, face resembling a tomato as you stutter, "Oscar! That's-I...W-what, do I need a spray bottle for you?!?"

The man's face is radiating satisfaction and a playfulness that has your stomach somersaulting. You've never sprayed your animals, finding other methods more beneficial for behavior correction, but at least it could have offered you some form of retribution in this unexpected scenario.

You squeak when Otto grasps your waist to remove you from his person and settle you on the cushions and quilt. His feet plop down on the carpet as he stands at his full intimidating height, glaring down at his brother from where he stands behind the sofa.

Eyes locked on his aggressively posturing brother, Oscar slowly removes the kitten from his shoulder and offers him to you to take. Which you do, gaze flicking between the two men as tension builds.

Oscar snaps that tension with ease, growling, "Hon smakar söt, som honung."

And with that mysterious sentence, the youngest brother's instigation is successful. He bee-lines for the kitchen in a sprint, presumably to escape out the back door to the garden as Otto's heavy gait follows close behind.

Taking a moment to calm your racing heart, you juggle your choices of getting dressed or grabbing some food and coffee. Your rumbling stomach and lingering sleepiness makes the decision for you. Forming a makeshift nest with the quilt, you plop Thing 1 down, smiling as he settles in contentedly. You don't even need to look for Thing 2 as the kitten quickly scrambles up the side of the sofa to join his sibling for more naptime.

Tiptoeing to the kitchen, you peep in to find Axel standing at the screen door, sipping his mug of coffee. Watching his brothers' antics no doubt. Not wanting to startle the man, however unlikely given his occupation, you murmur, "Axel? Please tell me there's more coffee."

The man looks over his shoulder, nodding and gesturing to the table where a full steaming mug waits just for you. A hearty plate of some sort of breakfast scramble consisting of eggs, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes, cheese, and herbs sits beside your drink. Touched by his consideration, you shyly express your gratitude and take a seat.

Before you dig in, something itches at your senses and you peer up to see the man still watching you with a small smirk. Your eyes narrow, looking down at the offering and back up as a feeling of familiarity pokes your brain.

Waaaiiit a minute...

"...I'm being bribed aren't I."

The smirk that spreads on his face is all the answer you need. You cover your mouth as giggles struggle to break out. It takes a second or two to compose yourself...at least to some degree.

"I'm guessing you have some questions for me?"

Probably some harder questions, given the new information you've revealed. You stubbornly hold on to your good mood, not wanting to let it spoil.

At the sound of Oscar's hollering, Axel returns his attention back to whatever unfortunate fate has befallen his kin. 

He suggests you finish breakfast first. You don't need him to tell you twice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Revenge, du liten retas- Revenge, you little tease. Hon smakar söt, som honung- She tastes sweet, like honey.

My Writing Process

Hi everyone! Hope 2021 is treating you well! I was talking to some friends today and we were discussing our own writing processes as well as if our readers (who may not be writers themselves) know about the writing process. So, I thought I would share a little bit about my own writing process. Obviously everyone writes differently, but I feel like most people do somewhat similar things as I do.

The first step in my writing process is obviously coming up with the idea. Sometimes ideas come out of the blue, sometimes while I’m watching something, and sometimes I look at prompt lists for some inspiration for plot ideas. I write down all my plot ideas on my notes app, just to make sure that I have a way to remember it later. After I come up with the idea, I usually decide on an idol that I think fits the plot, and then I put all the information, including a brief plot synopsis, in a large google spreadsheet that has all my WIPs, including ones I haven’t started and ones that I have started.

The next step is planning. Now I will be completely honest, sometimes this step is more in depth and sometimes it isn’t. For series/sm aus, the planning step is a long long process because I personally like to plan out every single part of my series before I even consider writing. This means any subplots, conflicts, minor characters are all planned before I begin the actual work itself. For drabbles, one-shots, and timestamps, the planning process takes less time because I usually already have the plot planned out from the idea. The only times I really write out plans for these specific formats are when I come up with a really good idea and don’t want to forget it because I can’t start writing the story just yet.

The next step is writing. Writing is by far the longest part of this process for me, and it’s why my update schedule is fairly inconsistent (i’m sorry about that). I like to write later at night, and also when I have a lot of energy because I write my best works then. Since writing is a hobby, and not a job, I don’t like to stress myself with writing something that might not be giving me motivation. There are some works that I can write in a night, and there are certain works that I work on for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. It really all depends on my mood, my motivation, and my schedule (I am currently a full-time student, so studies come before tumblr).

Now there are times when I have extended writers block and need to figure out how to move past it. Most often, I put on some softer music and that helps me relax and my brain juices flow. For series, I often like to write little mini stories that go more into character personalities so when I go back to writing, I can better understand the character. Reading things that I love helps give me motivation, as well as watching good movies. In the end, different things inspire me differently, and sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. I just have to trust the process.

After I finish writing, I have to go back and edit it. I usually write all my stuff between 10pm and 3am, so I always make sure to reread it during the day because sometimes I write stupid shit when I’m a bit tired. I usually don’t have to make any major edits, sometimes adding things and sometimes just changing things. I also have the bad habit of editing my writing as I write it, which leaves not very many edits to be made when I am going back and editing it.

The second to last step is beta-reading. Beta-reading is when I have someone (usually a close mutual) read my writing. Getting another pair of eyes on your work helps catch anything you might have missed, or help you get some insight on how to improve your writing. I don’t always get my works beta-read, but I do like to do it pretty often, because I think it’s a valuable practice to do.

Of course, the last step is publishing. I create a banner, make a post, and then add it to my queue! Then it is pushed out for you all to read and enjoy!

It’s a long process to be sure, and for some people it is much faster, but this is my own personal process. I hope that for some people this gives you a little bit of insight on how I, and many others, write our stories. Which is why I always ask that people be patient with their favorite creators. We put in a lot of time and effort to make something we are proud of and something we think you’ll enjoy, and for some of us that means we don’t post regularly. But we love seeing your support and it warms our hearts. Please always like and reblog your favorite authors and leave comments in the tags! I know that a lot of writers check every reblog to see if there are any tag notes, and they warm our heart. 

I love you all so much! Please look out for more content from me, I’ve been pretty busy for the first few weeks of 2021 and I am excited to share my work with you! 

Much Love,

Mia

Uploading schedule for “Something Great”

Hello, and welcome to a rant that neither of us had expected me to make today - or, any day, really. It is also unedited and not read through even once, because I’ll start to second-guess myself if I have to read through whatever my fingers have decided to spit out on paper. You will, however, have to suffer through my stream of consciousness. You’re welcome.

In case you were unaware, I recently started uploading an Evak fic (link: tumblr, AO3) “I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great)” - it’s an AU that I’ve been working on since before I finished the third chapter of “Beat that Record” back in 2018.

Because I had the most inconsistent uploading schedule with BtR (and it was only three chapters back then) when I started working on “Something Great”, I’d decided I wanted to finish the entire thing (not aware of just how long it would end up being) and then start to upload it on a weekly schedule.

I’m a very impatient person - whenever I’ve finished writing something, I’ll be all like, “Right! Let’s edit it immediately so I can upload it!” I’m just always so incredibly excited to share the stories I’ve worked on with other people, hoping they’ll experience the same joy and love for the characters and story as I have for however long I’ve been working on it.

Honestly, writing like this for “Something Great” has actually been a really cool experience. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It gave me a lot of liberty so that I could write just because I wanted to write and I could write whatever part I wanted to write, I didn’t have to work chronologically because I had to have the next chapter ready. I got to jump around all over the place, I got to go back and edit already finished chapters because I just thought of that one thing that would be really cool. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that if I ever do multichaptered fics again, I will do it like this - just write all of it before I start uploading anything.

And now moving on to the actual point: A major reason why I wanted to have everything done before I started uploading, was so I could start uploading at a regular schedule, where you guys would know when to expect the next chapter. So I’ve been uploading “Something Great” on Fridays these past three weeks, and I’m just... not sure how I feel about it.

I’ve been considering making the uploads bi-weekly instead, and then I’ve spent a lot of time just going, should I shouldn’t I. I think one of the reasons why I’ve thought not to is because I’m only three chapters in and these are the shortest chapters (minus the epilogue) in the entire story. After chapter 5, there are no chapters below 10k, and some of them are closer to 30k at that. A bi-weekly uploading schedule would mean putting out close to 22k a week, which I don’t know if it’s too much? I also feel bad about changing it to bi-weekly, because a part of me feels like it’s defeating the purpose of spending literally two years working hard on something.

But at the same time, only uploading once a week is really stressing me out - I just don’t care much for it, especially not that the last chapter will first be uploaded at the beginning of September. If I change it to bi-weekly now, it’ll be finished at the end of July, which feels like a much more manageable timeframe for me personally. Also, because I’ve been stressing out, actually getting to finally upload this story that I’ve spent literal years falling in love with just... hasn’t been as exciting as uploading past fics have felt. And that’s a goddamn awful feeling, to be honest, especially when thinking back on just how fun it was to write and all the things I’d do to get in the mood of writing - I’d listen to music, and I’d do my spreadsheets like a nerd and I’d do these little doodles and drawings about the pivotal plot-things that would happen in each chapter’s present/past. I’d fall asleep at night thinking about what I wanted to do for a scene or run through my favourites, just because. I actually started to look forward to spending between one and two hours just sitting on the train five days a week, because that was my writing time, that was my me-time where I didn’t have to think about anything but the story and what the characters would do and what was happening to them - other than stare out of the window occasionally and see the odd fox and deer and pretty views to further dream myself away in.

And now when I’ve finally gotten to the point where it’s all done, it’s written and edited through, and I’ve actually been able to upload it, I’ve just been feeling sad and anxious about how much I’ve been stressing over only uploading on Fridays, and as I’ve been so excited about writing the story that I’d literally count the seconds until I’d be able to or I’d set of time on entire evenings just so I could work on it, it feels like something pure and dear to my heart is a little ruined because of it.

That sounded a little dramatic - it’s not that bad.

Honestly, what I’ve been trying to say, I think, is this (ooh, let’s do bullet points, because spreadsheets weren’t bad enough, y’all):

Uploads would change from only Fridays to maybe Tuesdays and Fridays?

And maybe just general thoughts? Like, what do you - either as a reader or as a writer - think about uploading schedules? Either about my fic in specific or other fics in general - I doubt people are going to be sad about more content during the week, but I don’t know. Is once a week preferable? Do you refuse to touch a non-completed story (that hasn’t been abandoned and is finished and regularly updated)? Do you have a preferable timeframe for uploading/receiving uploads? I’m just feeling a little at a loss, here, so it would be nice to hear back what you guys would like :)

and also just thank you to everyone who’s been reading and commenting on any of my stories, to be honest. Getting your feedback has always been such a cool experience, and all of this ranting has absolutely nothing to do with any of that - it’s still just as much of a joy getting to read your comments or go through your tags and just hearing about what you’ve thought of the chapter or the story in general, so the biggest thank you to all of you for being the most awesome and kind-hearted people in the entire world. You deserve it.

Hannah Watches LoSH - Chain of Command

Ho boy... has it been a while since I've been doing this. I apologize to everyone for the wait, but a lot of things been going on for me IRL. I recently got approval for student loans so I’m just waiting for that to come in before school, which will be full time this next semester. I'm trying to resume this on a regular basis as means with coping with recent... frustrations. 

Also, if you notice inconsistencies with the different gifs regarding fonts, that is because I was busy figuring out how to make sure they stood out. And then I had computer problems right as i was halfway done making all of them. And then I thought I lost them. 

BUT WHILE MOST OF THE FILES WERE OKAY, I HAD TO GO AND FIND EACH GODDAMN INDIVIDUAL FONT.

So if it takes me a while to get the next one out, know that there is a good chance it’s because I had a heart attack OR/AND I seem to take my frustrations out on my pillow via screaming...

Chain of Command

We kick off the episode with the Cruiser going highspeed someplace, while the Legion are trying to maintain contact with people, Lightning Lad seeming to be the most concerned.

Wow the same face syndrome here is worse than with Disney.

Lightning Lad asks the people on screen how they're holding up, to which they reply that they need help as the storm they're experiencing is getting worse.

You gotta give this show credit for constantly making Bouncy pilot on board.

Oh. That ain't good.

DON’T GIVE THIS PLANET SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE TREATMENT GARTH!

… Ohhhh...

As soon as the opening finishes playing, we see the Cruiser is still speeding, and Lightning Lad is incredibly anxious about arriving to his home planet. To the point he's constantly asking for updates from the team.

Sooo history class time?

He then goes to describe Winath, stating it's the "breadbasket of the galaxy", as it provides most of the galaxies food supply.

Certainly makes his farm boy insults from the first episode look weak.

But he moves on to discuss that cosmic storms used to be a big problem for Winath until they built "THE CORE DIFFUSOR STATION". A station that turns storm energy to usable energy. But unfortunately, the current storm is way more powerful than the maximum the station can handle, which makes the Legion's first priority to make sure the station doesn’t overload.

Awwww~

However, as soon as they approach the planet, turns out that storm is way worse than anticipated. Saturn Girl manages to get in contact with the people on the planet that are in the shelter.

SO MANY TWINS.

Ah, parents... gonna have to discuss them later.

Saturn Girl you should have caught him in your arms. You're the only one who hasn't!

Seeing as the Cruiser wasn’t built for the storm either, Lightning Lad instructs the Trips and Bouncy to stay on board while everyone else takes the battle pod.

Wait. Battle pod?

Huh.

Don't crash, this isn't the Intergalactic games.

Well, that's what he get for telling another person to do something outside their capabilities.

Unsurprisingly, Lightning Lad crash lands. Typical.

And that's why Lightning Lad is not the pilot on the usual schedule...

Upon entering, the place looks trashed but Lightning Lad says they got there just in time. Mm-hm.

Whom?

Aww he lookin a little heartbroken for a moment~

Bromance.

And then the introduction between Superman and Cosmic Boy. And honestly, Cosmic Boy starts to fanboy a bit.

JEALOUS GARTH!

Lightning Lad demands to know what Cosmic Boy is doing on Winath, and he states they got a distress call...

Wait. Plural?

Turns out he brought someone along. Ferro Lad.

Ok I can't help but laugh a little bit at this.

Cosmic Boy encourages Ferro Lad to demonstrate his powers, which is turning into Metal. And then Lightning Lad interrupts. He tries to give orders, but Cosmic Boy quickly overrides him, having Superman Lighting Lad and Colossal Boy and Ferro Lad stabilize the building while he and Saturn Girl and B5 go to the core.

Aww.

He snaps out of his emo mode pretty quickly though and goes to work.

The core meanwhile is well beyond f***ed, making Cosmic Boy project a magnetic field over the central part, but doesn't seem like it will last.

Outside, Lightning Lad is whining to Superman about Cosmic Boy about bringing in a new member with no audition, only for Superman to say it seems like a good choice.  

Wow, it's like this show loves making Superman compatible with just about everyone.

Unfortunately, the generator they were trying to put back together outside overloads.

Ouch.

He isn't able to contain the core, and Brainy is unable to work on it, and the radiation happens to be building, getting ready to blow. When trying to reaching Superman, due to communication problems caused by radiation from the core. But who needs communicators when you got Saturn Girl?

She quickly instructs Superman to get the core out ASAP, and he does. But when it blows, he passes out, making it impossible for her to reach him.

As Superman is falling back to Winath, Bouncy goes to save him.

What a pure relationship.

Unfortunately, they lose sight of him in what I assume is smoke. THankfully he lands on the ship.

Bouncy then has to maneuver the ship to prevent debris hitting them, which does make superman tumble, but Triplicate Girl catches him from the hatch door.

But the debris decides that the cruiser isn't enough to pick on, and targets the guys that are still on the ground, while throwing in cyclones into the mix. So ground team goes to meet up with inside team.

As there is no core to help pacify the weather, Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad get into an argument on getting the system back online vs saving whatever they can.

When Lightning Lad asks who's going, much to his surprise, Ferro Lad and Colossal Boy volunteer. Brainy stays, being the nerd he is.

And there's the jerk persona again.

While outside and fixing a bridge, Ferro Lad confronts Lightning Lad.

Okay. That would include the entire BatFam on Lighting Lad's suspicious people list.

… WELL NOW I DO.

Back on the cruiser:

TRIPLICATE GIRL IS THE TEAM MEDIC!

Bouncy notices a pattern to the storm, but gets ignored by the ground team. And then despite protests, Superman leaves as well.

I feel u.

Meanwhile, Brainy is building a replacement for the old core. When Saturn Girl asks what she can do, Cosmic Boy tells her to step back so she doesn’t get hurt.

The outdoor squad is still struggling with the damn but Lighting Lad flies off when he sees a farm getting wasted by the debris, despite Colossal Boy's statement on not being able to save everything.

He tries to blast away the hail that's falling, but can only split the largest piece in half, which still does a lot of damage. Superman does arrive to help knock the hail stones away, but the ground starts to fall out from underneath.

DUDE THE HOUSE IS FALLING APART WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!

Wait. That room.

Oh.

OH

OH SHIT OW NO STOP MY HEART IS NEVER READY FOR THIS PART

Just as the house is going into the ground, Lightning Lad flies out just in time.

Ow.

After this, we cut to Lightning Lad telling Superman that it was his home.

OW.

Saturn Girl contacts them to inform them that Brainy fixed the power system, and they fly off to go back.

When asked where she’s going, Saturn Girl states she's going to the shelter, to which Cosmic Boy says she's too vulnerable. And thus she lays down the best burn she made yet on this show.

List of things that have happened to her beforehand:

-Carried off by Timber Wolf while he was in full feral mode

-Nearly blasted by Alexis

-Trapped in a fear-feeding abomination of a space station AND GOING THROUGH HER WORST FEAR OF ROLLER COASTERS

-Trapped in the Phantom Zone

She’s dealt with worse.

Ok if even Brainy, one of the least sociable of the group, knows you f***ed up, then you f***ed up big time.

Back on the cruiser, Bouncy predicts where the next massive part of the storm will hit. The damn, where it will rupture, causing mudslide and sinkhole at the shelter.

But the people on the planet won't listen. At first.

YAS BOI

Yeee

With everyone finally getting in line, Bouncy gives instructions.

As the boys are working on this, Saturn Girl arrives to the shelter, offering assurance they will be ok.

Back with the boys, yes I know, that was fast, Lightning Lad starts a fire intentionally, and Superman moves a tornado, directing the flood into what I assume is another river, lake or possibly ocean. It ain't a pond, I know that.

The station finally goes back online, and it seems to be functioning.

WElp, Brainy certainly likes to leave his signature.

So pure~

Back with Saturn Girl as she and the Winathians begin exiting.

Sarcastic SG is what I live for.

Lighting Lad arrives, with the picture he saved from the house. But doesn't go for Saturn GIrl.

Hmm.

We cut to the cruiser leaving Winath, and Cosmic Boy and Lighting Lad soon dissolve into another argument.

Wait, MONTHS?! Yeah, Lightning Lad has a right here to be mad, give an update at least once a week.

Fair enough. If Lightning Lad knew where you were, he probably would have made a massive bad impression.

I thought that was Tinya's role... then again I doubt she enjoys it.

Aww, poor ferro lad.

So, to put this argument into the ground, they hold an election. Probably will end better than the american ones can.

Nothing but respect for my team leader.

THIS SHIP IS CANNON!

Is Mekt in jail? Or do you consider him more of a nuisance on the level of STAR FINGAH?

But yeah I guess nothing can go wrong.

… SHIT.

So final thoughts on the episode overall and the characters

This was the first episode without a villain character. The main conflict is among the team and trying to keep the planet from being shredded. It's also the only episode with no villain character. I really wish we got more episodes like this, or even on the Legion's everyday mundane lives.

As for the storm plot point, it does remind me a lot of actual natural disasters and nuclear disasters. Which I think from a writing stance is a good thing.

Now. Winath. In all honestly, I kind of want to do a whole post on Winath culture and on the Ranzz family and my personal thoughts, but I'll put some tidbits of that discussion in here.

Big source for food in the galaxy. How big is that planet? Earth size? Moon size? Seems suspicious they only showed us one shelter and that there's only one station, so I'll have to go with moon, maybe smaller. So that should mean that year-round it is the optimal place for most crops. Minus cosmic storms.

But onto the whole subject of why there are so many twins.

In the comics, it was completely normal for twin births, while solo children are the minority. We aren't given any particular reason why though. We did see some people without twins in the shelter, but that doesn’t mean they weren't born single.

Another thing from the comics I want to mention is that Solo children were stereotyped as psychopaths.

Hmm. Wonder how that could possibly negatively impact kids who were solo on Winath. I said sarcastically, looking at a certain trash baby.

When I first watched this, this was when I started doing research into the old Legion comics. Where Mekt was about as sane as a cat on catnip. And had no sense of fashion.

Yes, of course I'm bringing the Trash Lord into discussion, he was in a photo! Don't worry, I'll keep the topic on him short.

Mm. He doesn't seem very happy. Pretty distant from everyone else. Gonna have to go with the possibility that solo children don't get the best treatment on Winath.

… Wonder how he felt hearing about the whole event for this episode?

And then there is the subject of Mr. and Mrs. Ranzz. How did they treat their sons exactly? Because clearly they love Garth and he did a lot of accomplishments, but Mekt came out as a mess.

In a post from Tom Bierbaum, who worked on the comics, located here, he describes the family as ”...Bit of a mixed bag. There was a lot of good there, but the parents were probably highly accomplished, career-driven people who expected nothing less of their kids but were so wrapped up in their own responsibilities that they weren't giving their kids the kind of attention and support they'd need to reach their positive potentials.”

One thing to keep in mind is that the family were a bunch of farmers. And farming is not easy. So it is possible that being too busy was one of the reasons that the kids ended up as they did, although unintentionally.

But I just gotta mention something based on personal experience.

So most of my Dad’s side of the family live in North Carolina and were in the countryside and worked with farms. 

And most of them conservatives.

Like, racist homophobic conservatives.

You can imagine how uncomfortable I, a biracial pansexual Latina girl, can get around them.

So, based on a personal experience, I am suspicious if there was some neglect towards Mekt as he was a minority that was discriminated against, and favoritism towards Garth and Ayla for being twins.

But it’s hard to say given that we barely see them or their behaviors.

Moving on.

Now the actual characters in the episode.

Starting with Superman. His fanbase grows. Not much development but we also see he's a little impulsive here, judging by how fast he went to get back out of the cruiser.

Brainy doesn't get much development either. But he definitely seems far more open to people now, given he was smiling at Cosmic Boy. Smiling. Our little grouchy pants. SMILING. The writers are keeping consistent with how he has been becoming more and more open to people emotionally, as well as expressive.

And then we have Colossal Boy. This is his second speaking role episode. He seems rather close to Cosmic Boy. Not exclusive to pet names. Which does warrant... shipping grounds. As far as character development goes, it is interesting to note that even though he's close to Cosmic Boy, he volunteers to help Lightning Lad outside the core. So, he might be more pro-active than CB1. But he also says Brainy has a big head. This could be seen as a jab at B5 because of his intelligence, but Brainy also asked if he could get any smaller than what he currently was. Perhaps being asked go get smaller is something he has to deal with frequently, and that was one of his ways of throwing it back into another person's face.

Ferro Lad... so, he seems generally nice in this episode, a bit on the social awkward side, and prefers to stay out of arguments that don’t necessarily involve him. But he keeps his face covered to hide whatever is underneath it, saying people don't want to see what's underneath. We can easily figure this means that he has been disfigured somehow, but whether or not he himself is conscious on it as well is another matter.

Which reminds me of Deadpool, who is self-conscious in his movie and that serves as the motivation to find Axe – oh I'm sorry, FRANCIS.  

But let's talk some trivia about his comic book origins. Originally, Jim Shooter, a white guy, who worked on LoSH comics, wanted to make him black. However, as writing the character took place during the 60s, DC shot down the idea, saying they would lose distribution in the South. Whitewashing him in the final product.

So, good on Jim for trying with good intentions, bad on DC for tearing it down.

As for where that goes as a consequence overall in most media for LoSH, we'll discuss it in the future.

But... that now begs the question... have other adaptations tackled this race-change? In the cartoon, we can see the skin around his eyes as well as his hands, which are light. So, it’s probably unlikely. 

Given Jim Shooter's original idea, I would totally be down for seeing a POC version of Ferro Lad.  

But I only found out Ferro Lad's backstory thanks to a friend in the last year, so it's might not well known, and the people working on the show might not have known at the time. And I've stated this before, and I'll say it again, the show originally had Triplicate Girl with darker skin, and given that they made her lighter in the final product was executive meddling, so who knows?

Speaking of Triplicate Girl, this episode once again gives us a lot of character development with her. She seems to be the medic of the group, or at least seems to have sufficient knowledge to give medical treatment. And that's a pretty interesting idea in the show. I personally would love to see more superheroes with more real-world skills. Most of the time.

(Glares at Marvel's Doctor Strange)

But she is shown around Bouncy for the majority of the show. But she has her own individuality, as she has more confidence than him, and reassures him that there was no mistake with the votes.

And now, our lovable Bouncy. This is episode gives him A LOT of development, as we watch him assess the situation and take control, making the best decisions on how to treat the situation. And accidentally becomes the new leader during the polls. Something he also has a hard time believing.

Okay, so he had to try multiple times to get into the Legion, and even when he’s in, he finds people questioning his abilities. So now, all of the sudden, he has been elevated to LEADER. That’s a definitely a big shift.

This does look like a good thing (especially since most of the legion think their worst enemies are behind bars based on what Lightning Lad said), and back when I first watched this show, I thought it was the best outcome. But now I can’t help but wonder, what are the qualifications?

Because as much as Bouncing Boy is a good person and does have skills and can assess a situation, we do have to acknowledge that if he doesn't meet the qualifications, he really shouldn't be in the position. Good intentions don't automatically mean good results in the long run. I think the next episode looks into this a bit more but keep it in mind.

I never thought I would criticize the show on that aspect when I was younger, but given the 2016 election results and where that has led, can you blame me for being concerned with this now?

Which reminds me – PLEASE GO VOTE IF YOU ARE ELIGIBLE THIS NOVEMBER!

And now, the founders.

So this is Cosmic Boy's first major off screen appearance. And the show quickly show he's Lightning Lad's foil. He does take his duties seriously but does leave the team for a time to try establishing themselves to others, without contacting anyone. Diplomacy seems like a more reasonable reason than just because you're going through the ego-emo phase, but still.

 Does seem to like Saturn Girl, but unlike Lightning Lad, seems to be more overprotective, where he won't have her do anything. Something similar to Timber Wolf in the degree of unintentional misogyny. Something she calls him out on. And like Lightning Lad, doesn't back down from a challenge. But there doesn't seem to be any malice/anger on his part, unlike Lightning Lad.

Saturn Girl also gets developed as well. But it is in terms of her relationship between the two boys, in a love-triangle sort of way unfortunately. She reassures Lightning Lad that she would be with him regardless of what happens, but as soon as Cosmic Boy shows up, she goes to him. And when Lightning Lad is getting ready to go outside, she chooses to stay to serve as communication. But she makes her own decision on going to the shelter. And later, she lets Lightning Lad go to his parents without intervening or apologizing. She practices agency in these relationships, and makes it clear no one owns her and she is capable of doing things, which I really like to see.

And now our favorite Trash Child.

Lightning Lad is confronted with a threat to his home, so he takes this mission far more seriously than most other missions we have seen so far. He is going out of his way for all efforts to protect Winath. And it is understandable why. As for his jerk-and-pride personality issues, he seems to be in better control, except he seems to have focused most of it on Cosmic Boy. However, it does pop up in the tone of his voice when Saturn Girl stays behind. And has trouble trusting new people. But he seems fast to warm up to Ferro Lad.

But he doesn’t demand any apologies from Saturn Girl for siding with Cosmic Boy, showing he truly respects her.

When Bouncy becomes the new elected leader, he doesn't hold anything against him. Instead, he is supportive. We wouldn't have gotten that with our Lightning Lad in the first episode.

And can I just say the quiet moments in this episode really delivered? Both the moment when he goes to his room and when he goes to his parents show his vulnerable side.

But before I wrap up this episode, I just want to thank everyone who has put up with me taking so long to resume these reviews.

Hopefully the next one won’t take as long to get out, but... we’ll see.

Life Update + WRITING!!!

Welcome back!

Oh my gosh, I know I've been so inconsistent with posts, I wanted to do it every weekend, but life got busy. I need to set a schedule, but lately, my schedule has been all over the place. So much has happened in my life that has thrown off my entire system. I hate that because getting back on track is one of the hardest things to do after falling off, but here I am.

Okay, so first things first, I WROTE TWO BOOKS AND PUBLISHED IT!!! They are both Larry Stylinson fanfictions, and if you don't like that, then that's okay but don't spread hate, please.

The first one is called: Turns of Events - Larry Stylinson AU.

Description: Harry lost his parents and his older sister, Gemma, when he was eight years old in a house fire. He was at his best friend Lottie Tomlinson, the house at the time of the fire. Since then, he has been bounced around the United Kingdom, going from the group home, foster home and orphanage. He was almost abused in one way or another, whether it be emotionally, mentally or physically. Over the years, he had lost himself and had isolated himself from everyone. That was until he found himself at the wrong place at the time and got arrested.

The second one is called: Soulmates - Larry Stylinson AU.

Description: An A/B/O story. Louis is a 21-year-old omega who pretends to be an alpha on the football team for Manchester United. Harry is a 19-year-old alpha who is a medical student at the University of Manchester. Harry's friend forces him out of his books for the night, and they go to a football game where he catches Louis's scent, and it's intoxicating. The same goes for Louis, the scent distracts Louis, and he's trying to find who it is, and another player accidentally collides with Louis, and he gets injured.

They are both on Wattpad, and my username is @WriterAttHeart.

Here's the link to my page: https://www.wattpad.com/user/WriterAttHeart

So I've also been writing like 15 more stories, but I've hit a big writer's block, so it's been hard to write, but I still write a bit every day. I've been the most excited about this in the past month, so yay!

Anyways I've also started my first year of university, and let me tell you- I HATE IT! I really, really do. I'm virtual, and forcing myself to do work is so hard because there's no one there to remind me constantly about assignments and tests, and my brain is still in summer mode. It also doesn't help that my mental health is getting worse, making my headaches worse. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I got panic attacks that lasted hours for a few days straight, and I also had to work, which didn't help. I also think I am starting to develop some type of eating disorder. My doctor told me that it could be something that has always been there in the background or something that has developed because of my anxiety. I don't know, but it's kind of scaring me because my thoughts are worrying me, and I know how bad it will be if it continues, but at the same time, I don't know how to stop it. I could stop myself from purging, but sadly I did it yesterday, more like I tried and failed; nothing came out. The thing that scared me was that I tried it. I'm scared now, but I don't know what to do.

Not only that, but I've been down and not wanting to do anything, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because of school, I don't know, but I hope this all stops because I miss my old self, but I don't know where to find that person. Ever since my migraines came back, who I used to be is slipping away, and now all that is left is all the bad parts. I used to be a pretty happy person, the type of person who was too happy that annoyed many people. I was never bored because I could always find something to do, but now I'm bored more often than not and never want to do anything. My brain is consumed with how much I weigh and the food I eat, and I like when I feel hungry and waiting for a time that my family won't find out if I purposely try to purge. I am constantly anxious and worried and on the verge of a panic attack at any second. I have a pounding headache that reminds me every day that I am living in pain.

Wow! That got dark fast, oops.

Thanks for reading my little rant,

A.B. 💜

3 months on T update

hey guys guess who hasn't made a 1 or 2 month update and his 3 month anniversary is tomorrow? this guy! i have a lot to talk about and it's all mcfrickin NEAT so lets get to it

Physical Changes

my voice has had 2 or 3 significant drops and I now pass whenever a stranger hears my voice. i'll try to see if i can post a video soon. it cracks a lot tho and makes me sound like i'm a 12 y/o cis boy from time to time. I can feel the vibrations when I talk in my chest!!! that hasn't happened before. my doctor smiled so big when she heard my voice last week omg

the hair on my face is growing in longer and thicker, and it's still blonde. I shaved last week with shaving cream and everything! i also found some random long hairs on my neck which was a bit gross but it's ok. my eyebrows are def a but thicker and i'm constantly checkin my unibrow because it grows in really fast and becomes noticeable if i don't keep an eye on it.

speaking of hair, the hair on my legs is a lot darker and growing in a bit thicker. I got some hair on my hands and toes now, wtf. my happy trail??? wow ok so i had a bit of belly hair pre t but now its like, an actual trail. shits wild, yo.

around 2 months on T, a lot of people started commenting that my face shape has changed, as well as my jawline. I don't see it, but I heard it from several different people without prompt so I guess it's a thing!

I still have shark week, which sucks! the way it goes down is super different though. when I was pre t, it would be really heavy the 1st and 2nd day with really bad cramps, and then taper off into something more manageable. now it's a really light and inconsistent flow for 5 or 6 days. not good and not bad, just different.

it's incredibly easy to build muscle and strength now. my workout routine is very scattered yet I have more muscle now than I did pre t, and I had a consistent workout schedule back then?? there's more muscle on my arms, shoulders, chest, thighs, and calves.

my chest has definitely gotten smaller. maybe not a full cup or anything like that, but it looks smaller and I'm all about that.

i think my overall body composition is starting to change. ive noticed my thighs and hips look a bit slimmer, shoulders are broader, and my stomach def holds a bit more chub now.

I don't cry as much as I used to, which I feel weird about. I've never been against crying!! it's a good way to get emotions out!!! i used to cry all the time when i was pre t and i've cried maybe 2 times since starting.

my smell has changed. if i don't remember to wear deodorant then I'm basically fucked and i've ruined the day of everyone around me. also, my smell /down there/ has changed. that was actually a really weird adjustment for me because you know your own smell! and then it just up and changes on you! wild.

speaking of /down there/, my sex drive has really increased a lot. like, an embarrassing amount. teenage boys are annoying af, but I now understand why so many of them are horny and angry all the fucking time. also i've had a lot of downstairs growth which has actually been pretty neat!

there's been a very big increase in acne. my family already gets acne hella easily, and i've had terrible skin since 6th grade, so it's nothing that I'm not used to. except, i've never had acne on my chest, arms, or back before. so that's kinda freaky and makes me self conscious a bit, but my doctor gave me some topic cream that calms it down.

guys, this next change is one that I'm really excited about. like stupidly excited. I've grown a full inch since starting testosterone. yes, you read that correctly. a full inch. Since freshman year I have just barely reached 5'6", i'm now a senior and in the course of 3 months I'm 5'7". i just measured yesterday and suddenly all my random leg cramps made sense!!! I'm still screaming about it!!!

Mental/Emotional Stuff

simply put, i've never been more self confident in my entire life. i'm still a bit freaked out by going out in public, and it's getting easier now that i don't get misgendered all the time. I just feel really whole and complete right now, ya know? it's really nice and a good change of pace.

I started out injecting .20 mL every week. my dose upped a bit to .25 mL every week. I'm now injecting .50 mL every other week.

I'm ready to see what the next couple of months brings me!! this is a very exciting journey and i'm so glad y'all can be here with me to witness it.

365 days of writing: day 222

Day 222: ringing

           This morning I headed out to the doctor’s office early and went to get my blood work done for one of my doctors. That doctor was testing a lot and I ended up getting pretty light-headed so after checking my vision and if I was with it enough to answer a few simple questions the woman taking my blood applied ice to my head, chest, and the back of my neck. I had to stay there for thirty minutes because they weren’t allowed to let me leave until they were sure I wouldn’t pass out. Fortunately, the feeling did pass and I went to my PT appointment at the normally scheduled time. I was with a different physical therapist from my usual person but she was busy with another patient so it alternated between her and the tech that’s working their part-time. I talked to him some and it turns out he has about two more years left until he can become a full-fledged assistant physical therapist but since he’s going to school part-time only he feels it will take him a bit longer. I was worn out after my PT but I couldn’t tell if it was because of the exercises or if I was still feeling out of it from the experience I’d had that morning.

             We headed to the ENT doctor after that and when I first got there I had to take a hearing test since it was my first visit there. The woman giving me the test was impressed by how well I could hear and to be honest this is how it’s been with every hearing test I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t be surprised if part of it is due to my hyperacusis but at least the ringing in my right ear wasn’t interfering with my hearing. I spoke to the doctor after that and after checking my ears and getting an update about everything I’d been through recently he concluded that the ringing in my right ear is caused my brain and is a reaction to stress from not only getting a major surgery but getting sick right after that surgery. My brain is basically in shock and he told me that the good news is it will fade away but the bad news is it could take several months to a year to do so. I was actually relieved to hear that, since I’m someone who has chronic back pain and a chronic hearing condition I’m used to hearing “There’s nothing we can do, you’ll just have to live with it.” So yeah, I was just happy this new symptom wasn’t yet another chronic condition that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. I even checked with him multiple times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating that he said it wouldn’t be permanent.

             Once we were done there mom and I got some lunch and then she dropped me off at home. My back was really sore so I took a hot bath and then I got to some replies I owed on my Glenn RP blog. After that point I watched some youtube videos and then ordered some Chinese food for dinner since Poppy’s out tonight and I didn’t really want to cook. To be honest, I’m still pretty tired out but it’s probably just from the blood test since they took a lot of vials. The good news is I only have to work 8 hours tomorrow and I don’t have to go to the fair tomorrow. Originally my stepdad wanted to take me into the office at our normal time and then go to the fair but after I talked to mom she said she could pick me up after my normal shift ends and take me home. She offered that to me after I told her that I was worried about being too tired working at 14-hour shift. So yeah, I get to come home earlier than I normally would and don’t have to sit around at the fair again.

             I for some reason completely skipped over the fact that I watched two episodes of Dragon Ball Z again, today was episode 17 and 18. The fisrt episode I saw involved Tien, Chaozu, Krillin, and Yamcha doing a simulation where they fight against two saiyans to get a taste of what fighting them will be like. It was also a time-travel simulation and the English dub’s episode title was “Showdown in the Past” (I’m watching the subbed but I can’t see the original Japanese title cards, sadness) but honestly it seemed more like a dystopian future where Earth was taken over by the Saiyans. I know the group assumed they were on the Saiyans’ home plaent though. I guess it was a fair assumption considering all the corpses they found were Saiyan corpses for some reason but yeah… I couldn’t take it seriously at first because they fought a tall, buff Saiyan with long hair and a short one who looked like he was balding and my brain immediately thought of Danny Devito for some stupid reason when I first saw the short one. This episode is supposed to be shocking since they all get killed off (not for real) but I was busy laughing my ass off over Danny Devito Saiyan, this is what my brain does to me.

             Anyway, episode 18 made me think the show pulled it’s first inconsistency because the moon suddenly appeared and it made Gohan savage and he attacked Piccolo until finally transforming into his gorilla-like form. The episode left hints though that something wasn’t right and for once I didn’t put 2 and 2 together for some reason and just made a “hmm, makes sense” sort of hum when they revealed the reason why there was a moon even though Piccolo had destroyed the moon. My best bro and I discussed before that the real inconsistency with that is that the Earth wasn’t drastically changed from the sudden absence of a moon after episode 8. This episode takes place 10 episodes later and the Earth seems unaffected. I actually don’t care about this issue too much and it’s something I like to joke around about. Anyway, yeah I’m done I just wanted to give my thoughts and my poor tired brain forgot to place this in the middle of my entry.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been flying around the world in a preview of Microsoft’s new Flight Simulator. Without a doubt, it’s the most beautiful flight simulator yet, and it’ll make you want to fly low and slow over your favorite cities because — if you pick the right one — every street and house will be there in more detail than you’ve ever seen in a game. Weather effects, day and night cycles, plane models — it all looks amazing. You can’t start it up and not fawn over the graphics.

But the new Flight Simulator is also still very much a work in progress, too, even just a few weeks before the scheduled launch date on August 18. It’s officially still in beta, so there’s still time to fix at least some of the issues I list below. Because Microsoft and Asobo Studios, which was responsible for the development of the simulator, are using Microsoft’s AI tech in Azure to automatically generate much of the scenery based on Microsoft’s Bing Maps data, you’ll find a lot of weirdness in the world. There are taxiway lights in the middle of runways, giant hangars and crew buses at small private fields, cars randomly driving across airports, giant trees growing everywhere (while palms often look like giant sticks), bridges that are either under water or big blocks of black over a river — and there are a lot of sunken boats, too.

When the system works well, it’s absolutely amazing. Cities like Barcelona, Berlin, San Francisco, Seattle, New York and others that are rendered using Microsoft’s photogrammetry method look great — including and maybe especially at night.

Image Credits: Microsoft

The rendering engine on my i7-9700K with an Nvidia 2070 Super graphics card never let the frame rate drop under 30 frames per second (which is perfectly fine for a flight simulator) and usually hovered well over 40, all with the graphics setting pushed up to the maximum and with a 2K resolution.

When things don’t work, though, the effect is stark because it’s so obvious. Some cities, like Las Vegas, look like they suffered some kind of catastrophe, as if the city was abandoned and nature took over (which in the case of the Vegas Strip doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, to be honest).

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Thankfully, all of this is something that Microsoft and Asobo can fix. They’ll just need to adjust their algorithms, and because a lot of the data is streamed, the updates should be virtually automatic. The fact that they haven’t done so yet is a bit of a surprise.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Chances are you’ll want to fly over your house the day you get Flight Simulator. If you live in the right city (and the right part of that city), you’ll likely be lucky and actually see your house with its individual texture. But for some cities, including London, for example, the game only shows standard textures, and while Microsoft does a good job at matching the outlines of buildings in cities where it doesn’t do photogrammetry, it’s odd that London or Amsterdam aren’t on that list (though London apparently features a couple of wind turbines in the city center now), while Münster, Germany is.

Once you get to altitude, all of those problems obviously go away (or at least you won’t see them). But given the graphics, you’ll want to spend a lot of time at 2,000 feet or below.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

What really struck me in playing the game in its current state is how those graphical inconsistencies set the standard for the rest of the experience. The team says its focus is 100% on making the simulator as realistic as possible, but then the virtual air traffic control often doesn’t use standard phraseology, for example, or fails to hand you off to the right departure control when you leave a major airport, for example. The airplane models look great and feel pretty close to real (at least for the ones I’ve flown myself), but some currently show the wrong airspeed, for example. Some planes use modern glass cockpits with the Garmin 1000 and G3X, but those still feel severely limited.

But let me be clear here. Despite all of this, even in its beta state, Flight Simulator is a technical marvel and it will only get better over time.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Let’s walk through the user experience a bit. The install on PC (the Xbox version will come at some point in the future) is a process that downloads a good 90GB so that you can play offline as well. The install process asks you if you are OK with streaming data, too, and that can quickly add up. After reinstalling the game and doing a few flights for screenshots, the game had downloaded about 10GB already — it adds up quickly and is something you should be aware of if you’re on a metered connection.

Once past the long install, you’ll be greeted by a menu screen that lets you start a new flight, go for one of the landing challenges or other activities the team has set up (they are really proud of their Courchevel scenery) and go through the games’ flight training program.

Image Credits: Microsoft

That training section walks you through eight activities that will help you get the basics of flying a Cessna 152. Most take fewer than 10 minutes and you’ll get a bit of a de-brief after, but I’m not sure it’s enough to keep a novice from getting frustrated quickly (while more advanced players will just skip this section altogether anyway).

I mostly spent my time flying the small general aviation planes in the sim, but if you prefer a Boeing 747 or Airbus 320neo, you get that option, too, as well as some turboprops and business jets. I’ll spend some more time with those before the official launch. All of the planes are beautifully detailed inside and out and except for a few bugs, everything works as expected.

To actually start playing, you’ll head for the world map and choose where you want to start your flight. What’s nice here is that you can pick any spot on your map, not just airports. That makes it easy to start flying over a city, for example. As you zoom into the map, you can see airports and landmarks (where the landmarks are either real sights like Germany’s Neuschwanstein Castle or cities that have photogrammetry data). If a town doesn’t have photogrammetry data, it will not appear on the map.

As of now, the flight planning features are pretty basic. For visual flights, you can go direct or VOR to VOR, and that’s it. For IFR flights, you choose low or high-altitude airways. You can’t really adjust any of these, just accept what the simulator gives you. That’s not really how flight planning works (at the very least you would want to take the local weather into account), so it would be nice if you could customize your route a bit more. Microsoft partnered with NavBlue for airspace data, though the built-in maps don’t do much with this data and don’t even show you the vertical boundaries of the airspace you are in.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

It’s always hard to compare the plane models and how they react to the real thing. Best I can tell, at least the single-engine Cessnas that I’m familiar with mostly handle in the same way I would expect them to in reality. Rudder controls feel a bit overly sensitive by default, but that’s relatively easy to adjust. I only played with a HOTAS-style joystick and rudder setup. I wouldn’t recommend playing with a mouse and keyboard, but your mileage may vary.

Live traffic works well, but none of the general aviation traffic around my local airports seems to show up, even though Microsoft partner FlightAware shows it.

As for the real/AI traffic in general, the sim does a pretty good job managing that. In the beta, you won’t really see the liveries of any real airlines yet — at least for the most part — I spotted the occasional United plane in the latest builds. Given some of Microsoft’s own videos, more are coming soon. Except for the built-in models you can fly in the sim, Flight Simulator is still missing a library of other airplane models for AI traffic, though again, I would assume that’s in the works, too.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

We’re three weeks out from launch. I would expect the team to be able to fix many of these issues and we’ll revisit all of them for our final review. My frustration with the current state of the game is that it’s so often so close to perfect that when it falls short of that, it’s especially jarring because it yanks you out of the experience.

Don’t get me wrong, though, flying in FS2020 is already a great experience. Even when there’s no photogrammetry, cities and villages look great once you get over 3,000 feet or so. The weather and cloud simulation — in real time — beats any add-on for today’s flight simulators. Airports still need work, but having cars drive around and flaggers walking around planes that are pushing back help make the world feel more alive. Wind affects the waves on lakes and oceans (and windsocks on airports). This is truly a next-generation flight simulator.

Image Credits: Microsoft

Microsoft and Asobo have to walk a fine line between making Flight Simulator the sim that hardcore fans want and an accessible game that brings in new players. I’ve played every version of Flight Simulator since the 90s, so getting started took exactly zero time. My sense is that new players simply looking for a good time may feel a bit lost at first, despite Microsoft adding landing challenges and other more gamified elements to the sim. In a press briefing, the Asobo team regularly stressed that it aimed for realism over anything else — and I’m perfectly ok with that. We’ll have to see if that translates to being a fun experience for casual players, too.

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Microsoft’s new Flight Simulator is a beautiful work in progress – TechCrunch For the last two weeks, I’ve been flying around the world in a preview of Microsoft’s…

For the last two weeks, I’ve been flying around the world in a preview of Microsoft’s new Flight Simulator. Without a doubt, it’s the most beautiful flight simulator yet, and it’ll make you want to fly low and slow over your favorite cities because — if you pick the right one — every street and house will be there in more detail than you’ve ever seen in a game. Weather effects, day and night cycles, plane models — it all looks amazing. You can’t start it up and not fawn over the graphics.

But the new Flight Simulator is also still very much a work in progress, too, even just a few weeks before the scheduled launch date on August 18. It’s officially still in beta, so there’s still time to fix at least some of the issues I list below. Because Microsoft and Asobo Studios, which was responsible for the development of the simulator, are using Microsoft’s AI tech in Azure to automatically generate much of the scenery based on Microsoft’s Bing Maps data, you’ll find a lot of weirdness in the world. There are taxiway lights in the middle of runways, giant hangars and crew buses at small private fields, cars randomly driving across airports, giant trees growing everywhere (while palms often look like giant sticks), bridges that are either under water or big blocks of black over a river — and there are a lot of sunken boats, too.

When the system works well, it’s absolutely amazing. Cities like Barcelona, Berlin, San Francisco, Seattle, New York and others that are rendered using Microsoft’s photogrammetry method look great — including and maybe especially at night.

Image Credits: Microsoft

The rendering engine on my i7-9700K with an Nvidia 2070 Super graphics card never let the frame rate drop under 30 frames per second (which is perfectly fine for a flight simulator) and usually hovered well over 40, all with the graphics setting pushed up to the maximum and with a 2K resolution.

When things don’t work, though, the effect is stark because it’s so obvious. Some cities, like Las Vegas, look like they suffered some kind of catastrophe, as if the city was abandoned and nature took over (which in the case of the Vegas Strip doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, to be honest).

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Thankfully, all of this is something that Microsoft and Asobo can fix. They’ll just need to adjust their algorithms, and because a lot of the data is streamed, the updates should be virtually automatic. The fact that they haven’t done so yet is a bit of a surprise.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Chances are you’ll want to fly over your house the day you get Flight Simulator. If you live in the right city (and the right part of that city), you’ll likely be lucky and actually see your house with its individual texture. But for some cities, including London, for example, the game only shows standard textures, and while Microsoft does a good job at matching the outlines of buildings in cities where it doesn’t do photogrammetry, it’s odd that London or Amsterdam aren’t on that list (though London apparently features a couple of wind turbines in the city center now), while Münster, Germany is.

Once you get to altitude, all of those problems obviously go away (or at least you won’t see them). But given the graphics, you’ll want to spend a lot of time at 2,000 feet or below.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

What really struck me in playing the game in its current state is how those graphical inconsistencies set the standard for the rest of the experience. The team says its focus is 100% on making the simulator as realistic as possible, but then the virtual air traffic control often doesn’t use standard phraseology, for example, or fails to hand you off to the right departure control when you leave a major airport, for example. The airplane models look great and feel pretty close to real (at least for the ones I’ve flown myself), but some currently show the wrong airspeed, for example. Some planes use modern glass cockpits with the Garmin 1000 and G3X, but those still feel severely limited.

But let me be clear here. Despite all of this, even in its beta state, Flight Simulator is a technical marvel and it will only get better over time.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

Let’s walk through the user experience a bit. The install on PC (the Xbox version will come at some point in the future) is a process that downloads a good 90GB so that you can play offline as well. The install process asks you if you are OK with streaming data, too, and that can quickly add up. After reinstalling the game and doing a few flights for screenshots, the game had downloaded about 10GB already — it adds up quickly and is something you should be aware of if you’re on a metered connection.

Once past the long install, you’ll be greeted by a menu screen that lets you start a new flight, go for one of the landing challenges or other activities the team has set up (they are really proud of their Courchevel scenery) and go through the games’ flight training program.

Image Credits: Microsoft

That training section walks you through eight activities that will help you get the basics of flying a Cessna 152. Most take fewer than 10 minutes and you’ll get a bit of a de-brief after, but I’m not sure it’s enough to keep a novice from getting frustrated quickly (while more advanced players will just skip this section altogether anyway).

I mostly spent my time flying the small general aviation planes in the sim, but if you prefer a Boeing 747 or Airbus 320neo, you get that option, too, as well as some turboprops and business jets. I’ll spend some more time with those before the official launch. All of the planes are beautifully detailed inside and out and except for a few bugs, everything works as expected.

To actually start playing, you’ll head for the world map and choose where you want to start your flight. What’s nice here is that you can pick any spot on your map, not just airports. That makes it easy to start flying over a city, for example. As you zoom into the map, you can see airports and landmarks (where the landmarks are either real sights like Germany’s Neuschwanstein Castle or cities that have photogrammetry data). If a town doesn’t have photogrammetry data, it will not appear on the map.

As of now, the flight planning features are pretty basic. For visual flights, you can go direct or VOR to VOR, and that’s it. For IFR flights, you choose low or high-altitude airways. You can’t really adjust any of these, just accept what the simulator gives you. That’s not really how flight planning works (at the very least you would want to take the local weather into account), so it would be nice if you could customize your route a bit more. Microsoft partnered with NavBlue for airspace data, though the built-in maps don’t do much with this data and don’t even show you the vertical boundaries of the airspace you are in.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

It’s always hard to compare the plane models and how they react to the real thing. Best I can tell, at least the single-engine Cessnas that I’m familiar with mostly handle in the same way I would expect them to in reality. Rudder controls feel a bit overly sensitive by default, but that’s relatively easy to adjust. I only played with a HOTAS-style joystick and rudder setup. I wouldn’t recommend playing with a mouse and keyboard, but your mileage may vary.

Live traffic works well, but none of the general aviation traffic around my local airports seems to show up, even though Microsoft partner FlightAware shows it.

As for the real/AI traffic in general, the sim does a pretty good job managing that. In the beta, you won’t really see the liveries of any real airlines yet — at least for the most part — I spotted the occasional United plane in the latest builds. Given some of Microsoft’s own videos, more are coming soon. Except for the built-in models you can fly in the sim, Flight Simulator is still missing a library of other airplane models for AI traffic, though again, I would assume that’s in the works, too.

Image Credits: TechCrunch

We’re three weeks out from launch. I would expect the team to be able to fix many of these issues and we’ll revisit all of them for our final review. My frustration with the current state of the game is that it’s so often so close to perfect that when it falls short of that, it’s especially jarring because it yanks you out of the experience.

Don’t get me wrong, though, flying in FS2020 is already a great experience. Even when there’s no photogrammetry, cities and villages look great once you get over 3,000 feet or so. The weather and cloud simulation — in real time — beats any add-on for today’s flight simulators. Airports still need work, but having cars drive around and flaggers walking around planes that are pushing back help make the world feel more alive. Wind affects the waves on lakes and oceans (and windsocks on airports). This is truly a next-generation flight simulator.

Image Credits: Microsoft

Microsoft and Asobo have to walk a fine line between making Flight Simulator the sim that hardcore fans want and an accessible game that brings in new players. I’ve played every version of Flight Simulator since the 90s, so getting started took exactly zero time. My sense is that new players simply looking for a good time may feel a bit lost at first, despite Microsoft adding landing challenges and other more gamified elements to the sim. In a press briefing, the Asobo team regularly stressed that it aimed for realism over anything else — and I’m perfectly ok with that. We’ll have to see if that translates to being a fun experience for casual players, too.

Microsoft’s new Flight Simulator is a beautiful work in progress For the last two weeks, I’ve been flying around the world in a preview of Microsoft’s…

Last year's post is here.  Last year, I wrote about how VBall had continued to not be an event where I really catch up with many friends and acquaintances from the dance world, pushing myself every year in dance, how I put a lot into the contests and how they were exhausting. This year I feel like I have a lot to talk about.  Let's see if I can get to it all.  I'll warn you -- it's a bunch. I realize that I don't really know how many of these things I've been to.  This kind of thing is where blog entries really come in handy -- a quick search reveals that it was 2011 when I first attended, so I guess that would make this my 10th VBall.  Yeah, a lot has changed, since then. Like the trend in years past, I did not find this year's Viennese Ball to be a place for me to catch up with a bunch of people.  That didn't really surprise me though -- I think because that's just not something I was particularly looking for.  I think that is perhaps because I realize that the people who I only see at this event are people with whom I only have surface level relations, and that wasn't something I cared to spend a lot of time and energy seeking out here. The beginning of the ball was a bit of an odd experience for me as I got caught in an instance of line con waiting to get in.  It was somewhat of a a humorous experience, holding my Journey cosplay and bag, waiting in a long snaking line -- I felt much like I was at some Anime convention waiting in line for registration (though that tends to happen a bit less nowadays due to a number of improvements in streamlining the process).  I don't normally run into this, but nevertheless, I came prepared -- I plugged in my earbuds and started jammin out to some tunes while playing Puyo Puyo.  Like I said, very very much like I was in line at a con... By the time I got in it was pretty clear that there was little to no hope of really catching much of the opening ceremony and even if there was, it would involve dealing with crowds (mye myeh myeh), so instead I scurried away into a different room.  I am sure it went just fine, as always.  I'd be lying if I said that any of the previous N years of watching opening performances really stuck out in my mind as opposed to just becoming another hazy memory of yet another year.  But I have long since ceased to be the target audience for these kinds of things.  I'll hang onto my memory of Decadance performing "Numb" in 2012 instead, thank you very much. I spent a good deal of my time this year in the contemporary room, not because it was the "cool" thing to do [insert jaded/dogmatic muttering here], but because Lillian Zhu's music selection was simply awesome.  Maybe it helped that I recognized so many of the songs, but even the ones that I didn't, I enjoyed dancing, feeling, and moving to.  I honestly can't remember the last time I ever enjoyed the music at an event this much.  The floor in that room was pretty well filled with people dancing as well, which was a great energy to have.  There is something about having good music and a good energy that really allows for a certain flow state of movement.  I guess I'm just glad I was in the right mood to appreciate it.  I realize that half the time I was just being the weird antisocial weird guy glowsticking off in the corner, but honestly I had so much fun doing that that I didn't really care.  I cracked two pairs of 5-min ultras over the course of the night, and had some really good songs using them. So yeah, it wasn't that hard to choose that earlier in the night over the live orchestral music playing in the waltz room.  Don't get me wrong, the classical pieces are always very pleasant to dance to, and (as always?) I felt bad for the musicians, who certainly deserved some more respectful applause from the dancers. =(  That is something I will have to try and encourage a little more proactively next time.  I do wonder, whether the Don Neely Swingtet had a more respectful reception over in the Swing room, than the Saratoga Symphony did.  I've always been of the impression that swing dancers are generally better with this sort of thing.  A cultural difference, perhaps? But anyhow, the feelings in these songs, while being perfectly suited for this event, are not the feelings that I strive to express with my dance.  I guess it goes back a little more to what I said about opening performances -- everyone's got their own passions, their own aesthetics.  We're all different.  But this event still manages to bring together so many of these different people.  Older dancers who don't even really bother to social dance much anymore.  Fresh faces who have no idea what the ball is like.  Swing dancers, waltz dancers, latin dancers.  I tend to dislike seeing dance events and communities become increasingly insular and catered towards specific groups at the expense of others, so it is nice to know that this event seems to draw out groups of all sorts, though of course not everyone. (though it certainly seemed so at times -- there were more people than ever before packed into the main ballroom, which was part of the reason I ran away to the Contemporary room) I missed Swingtime's performance AGAIN this year -- I seem to just have terrible luck with that.  I peeked into the room, saw that they were already dancing the Shim Sham in there, and said to myself "oh drat, I guess I missed Swingtime's performance, which was before the Shim Sham."  Of course, 40 minutes later as I checked the schedule I realized that Swingtime was performing AFTER the Shim Sham........derp. I entered the Cross-Step Waltz contest together with Talia this year.  My feelings on dancing in the contest this year were overwhelmingly positive, but......complicated to explain.  I guess I can try? Ok, so some background.  There have been a number of issues in past years about a very vague "rule" (if it could even be called that) of past contest winners not being allowed to proceed to the final rounds of the competitions.  I could not tell you what the exact criteria for this was because it was simply not known.  Besides feeling very unclear, it was also an inconsistent thing -- I've placed 1st in the Cross-step contest in 2014, but even then it felt a bit..."off" since I knew for a fact that the most skilled dancers were not in the final rounds of that competition.  In 2016 (?) I chose to "abstain" from entering any competitions at all because I figured if I did that I would maybe be "allowed" to compete normally again??  And indeed, in 2017 I placed 1st in the Rotary Waltz contest.  However, later in 2019 me and my partner would go on to be tapped out early from the Cross-Step Waltz contest because we had previously won a contest....yet, somehow, we were still allowed to place in the Rotary Waltz competition again?? And no, before you ask -- I'm not just being full of myself and thinking that I "deserved" to advanced to the finals...One of the contest judges in 2019 later told me in person that they as a group had decided that me and my partner had to be eliminated because of past results. Anyways, as you can imagine, this all felt very unclear and arbitrary and if I had to guess I don't really think the judges were always all on the same page in terms of knowing what "the rule" was, leading to some....weird situations.  (Judging is an entirely stressful and time-pressured job, so I don't really blame them if that was the case)  I really didn't think it was my place to argue though, and besides, it's just a dumb contest, who the hell even CARES -_-  However, the 2019 instance felt especially....off, especially given the number of strangers who came up to me and my partner afterwards and told us that we should have won.  To make matters worse, a member of the opening committee told me "what was that?  That was messed up." and one of the finalists themselves came up to me personally to tell me (and I quote) "I'm so sorry.  You should have been there instead of me." This was all very....uncomfortable feeling, and I had basically stopped thinking like any of these results meant anything at all besides whether an arbitrary an inconsistent rule had been chosen to apply to me or not.  Dancing in a contest was no longer a question of "will I dance well enough?" or "will I be appreciated enough?", it was a question of "who will randomly be decided to be eligible?"  I had stopped trying to win these competitions because it was simply out of my control. Fortunately, Emily Hu is an amazing Steering Chair and despite having =countless= other more important things to do, she took the time to both solidify a transparent and fair ruling on the matter as well as make a clear and well-written posting regarding the updated restrictions. (which left me and Talia eligible to compete and/or place this year)  THANK YOU EMILY! Which meant I no longer had to worry about whether or not I would be arbitrarily disqualified before I had even done anything.  So did I try my best to win the competition together with my partner this year?  Well................uh......no.  You see, for all the silly paragraphs I've written about this thing, I...kind of hate competing.  I really dislike it.  Truly, the only reason I've still kept doing it for this long is because many people have approached me since our performance in 2017 and told me that it inspired them.  People STILL tell me that today -- even at this very event, someone came up to me and told me that they wanted to dance like I did.  And if my dancing can inspire someone and make them feel like Waltz is the next cool thing a dance they really want to do, then isn't that reason enough? The thing is, though, all of this thinking about "showing the world what waltz can be", trying to be inspiring for others, the pressure to perform well, all of the silliness with the eligibility rules....all of it was really, really, really quite draining.  As I thought about things more and more over the past week, I started to feel like I was doing this for all of the wrong reasons.  I was really just tired of thinking about everyone else except myself. And at some point I realized that I needed to just let it all go and dance for =me=.  Because that is something that I was simply forgetting how to do.  No showing off, no worrying about the audience, no worrying about the judges, no worrying about technique, no worrying about anything except for the one and only thing that has ever truly mattered to me -- the music.  To me, this "contest" was a means of soul-searching, a means of regaining my own agency in something that felt so muddled with external pressures that I had lost sight of myself. Talia was gracious enough to offer her full support and wonderful partnering in my admittedly somewhat selfish pursuit and we danced together -- a dance where we did not strive to push ourselves higher than ever before, but rather sought to be one with the spirit of each of the three songs that were played.  I blocked everything else out and focused on my breathing, and the music.  And I remembered again, why the hell I have been doing this thing for 10 years.  It was a wonderful feeling. And when we were politely told that we were being eliminated, I accepted it with peace, knowing that it was not due to some arbitrary rule that I did not understand, and knowing, that I had proved something to myself.  This silly meaningless contest that I hate how much it bothered me (so stupid!!), finally I could simply look back on it as something that I felt positively about. I chose not to enter the rotary waltz contest this year, because -- looking back on my notes from last year, I had written that it was =damn tiring= to enter to.  I definitely don't regret that decision, lol. Speaking of getting tired, though I had felt a bit tired over the first hour at the ball (it didn't help that that was when it felt the most crowded....soooo many students and people that I didn't know, arghh), the great energy in the contemporary room seemed to carry me through and over to the cross-step waltz dancing and then through the rest of the night. I did however get mighty hungry around 11:30 or so and for ONCE I happened to actually be out wandering about in the lobby when some food was brought out.  I think this is literally the first (or possibly second) time I have ever had a chance to have some of the food at VBall (mostly because I never wanted to bother waiting in line before....)...hey, 10 years in and I can still appreciate something new for the first time, eh?  (that food hit the spot btw, yessshh) Viennese Ball is, like Fanime, one of those events that happens every year, yet still manages to be a little bit different each year.  Perhaps part of that is because of the different organizers that cycle through and work so hard to put on the event itself, but I am sure that a large part of that is also due to the changes in the people attending, as well as ourselves.  Overall I have to say that this was one of the best times I've ever had at a Viennese Ball event.  It makes sense when I think about it, because when I think back to the night, the two things I remember are great dances (shoutouts to all of the wonderful friends I had the pleasure of sharing a dance with), really feeling the music, and pleasantly interacting with a few people one on one.  What more could I really ask for? ... I wrote on Saturday night that in addition to having proved some things to myself that night, I had also learned some new things.  Sometimes, ....sometimes, being my quiet and supportive self is not enough.  I have said again and again that growth must come from a place of comfort, and I will be the first to tell you that there are many days when I simply need to take care of myself, and that to do so I must find inner peace in a type of "tranquil complacency", as it were.  Being approachable takes effort.  Interacting with people is tiring.  After 10 years of dancing, even the simple act of asking a friend to dance somehow devolves into some sort of herculean effort.  But do you know what else takes a lot of effort?  Doing the right thing.  Being supportive of others.  Striving to be inclusive of people from all walks of life.  Making a newcomer feel comfortable.  Calling someone out when they are behaving inappropriately.  It's easy to be a bystander, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Some days I really need nothing more than to bystand to my heart's content.  But on the days when I have the strength, I've learned that I sometimes need to take a step out into the light.  For the sake of all of the other people...some who, like me, hide in the gentle darkness, and others who dare to stand in the warm heat of the sun. For I know, that the one who lives inside of me, is not simply quiet and shy, but also compassionate and supportive. .... Thank you to Emily, Filip, and the countless others who made my 10th Viennese Ball stand out a little more amongst all the others.  This is one for the books...

Back to Me

My writing here has been inconsistent lately, and by lately, I mean for the last year or so. As “annieintheaair” I feel like a lot of my identity over the last 4.5+ years has been tied to my life in the sky. My life as a flight attendant is what inspired me to start this blog. Flying became my inspiration for a lot of things and the way that I told stories about my life up there and my life on the ground. Have you ever felt like you just don’t know who you are anymore?

Since I’ve been off from work, I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I even wanted to return to flying. Did I still want to be a flight attendant? I had so many questions and the further I got from having been at work, the more I questioned everything.

At the beginning of this summer, I started going to therapy. I knew that I would hopefully be returning to work soon and I wasn’t sure how to cope with all of the change. I hadn’t been in therapy since I was in college but then again, I hadn’t taken anti-depressants since college either but there I was, taking them once again. Aside from lots of prayers and connecting with God, I’m not sure how I would have gotten through this last year, had it not been for anti-depressants. What else would have stopped me from bawling my eyes out on a daily basis?

I see all the “perfect” lives on social media every day and I know they’re not all real. Most people will show you the highlights of the very best times. Sure, I really skipped out on updating my blog while my life has been pretty sad and boring this last year, but I know that I try my best to be real with everyone. I’ve never been one to completely hide the reality of my life. The truth is, not all days are amazing but how would we ever appreciate those incredible days if we never had disappointing ones every once in a while?

Depression has been a part of me since I was first diagnosed about 10 years ago. Just like everyone else, I have bad days, but depression makes those bad days just so much worse and much more frequent. I got to the point of feeling a lot better, off anti-depressants, and stopped seeing a therapist when I graduated from college and could no longer meet with the same one from my school. Up until falling down the escalator last year, I was doing really well.

The whole system has really beaten me down over the last 15 months. I know, 15 MONTHS! I don’t know where all of this time went but at the same time, it feels like I have been gone from work forever. It went fast and slow at the same time. Over the last few months, I’ve worked with my therapist about preparing for my return to work. Yesterday, I finally shared with her the news...

I’M GOING BACK TO WORK!

She was thrilled. I told her in both tears and laughs. I had no idea how to feel and really, I still don’t know how to feel. It doesn’t feel real and I’m a ball of emotions. It’s part excitement but nervous but great all in the same.

Monday night, even after knowing that I’m going back but not knowing when, I found myself in tears. It’s rare these days that I am actually bawling over anything but I couldn’t stop myself and just felt absolutely horrible. I went through so many tissues and at one point opened the fridge and was ready to grab myself an alcoholic beverage when I stopped myself. I have to say, I was pretty impressed with myself because I literally said, “Annie, alcohol is a depressant and you are already depressed. You do NOT need that right now!” Instead, I grabbed myself an ice cream sandwich from the freezer and called that dinner.

In therapy on Tuesday, we talked about how isolating and lonely it can be being out from work. While my job is usually pretty lonely anyway, being home, away from everything and separated from so much of my “normal” life (that isn’t really normal to people who aren’t flight crews), is actually at least ten times worse. We talked about how going to work makes you feel like you have a purpose and not going makes you wonder what you’re supposed to be doing. My therapist said that she was so happy that I’m going back, even if it might not be the best for my physical health, for my mental health it’s what I need right now.

Circling back to my point from the beginning, how many jobs out there create an identity for you? I know “flight attendant” isn’t the only one. You can be a firefighter, a doctor, a lawyer, and so many other things. When people ask what I do, I say, “I’m a flight attendant” instead of something like, “I work on the airplane ensuring safety for all passengers.” Why do we let our jobs define us? I’m not just a flight attendant. I’m a person who just happens to work on the plane. We need to change it. We need to stop saying, “I am” like it is somehow the definition of who we are. Your identity shouldn’t be based solely upon what you do to bring home a paycheck.

Letting “flight attendant” define me all of these years is a huge part of what made it so hard when I was told that I couldn’t return to work right away due to my injury. This year has helped me to redefine who I am in so many ways. After all, I wasn’t born a flight attendant and someday I won’t be one anymore.

Tonight, feeling more like myself, I actually made dinner. Yes, I made dinner! I used my oven and cooked up some real food, including chicken, green beans, and a casserole. Minimal effort, of course, but it was still a step in the right direction to getting myself back to me.

In preparation for my return to work, I’ve been ordering new shoes and I picked up some new pantyhose. I completed all of my online training, which was actually a good refresher for me this year. Shockingly, they already scheduled me for a training class THIS SUNDAY! I didn’t know it would be so soon but I am ready!

Obviously, there’s a lot of anxiety about returning to work after all of this time but I’m trying to stay calm and trust God that it’s all going to work out and be okay. I mean, my pantyhose were in stock today and they’re usually sold out so if that’s not a sign that it’s time to go back to work, then I don’t know what is!

No matter what you’re going through right now, you’re going to get through it; God is going to get you through it. Even for someone like me who is the definition of Murphy’s Law (everything that can go wrong, will go wrong), there’s still a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to find it.

xoxo

Annie(intheaair)

Pregnancy / First Trimester

I am excited to share with you a First Trimester pregnancy update today. I gave you a peek in my pregnancy announcement post but I wanted to update you on all the little things that have been going on. Hope to make my updates more frequent as I make my way through this process and I just can’t wait to share every moment with you all. You all really just blow me away with your constant support and check ins and my heart just bursts to be able to share my pregnancy with you. AH I have chills still when I say that out loud. My pregnancy. HOLY CRAP GUYS!!! Hope you enjoy these updates and if there is anything else you are dying to know, please leave me a comment on this blog post and I will be sure to include in my next update.

WEIGHT GAINED I gained a considerable amount of weight during IVF treatment which is hard to swallow when you just want your body to be at it’s prime when you get pregnant. Unfortunately, us fertility warriors don’t have the luxury to walk into pregnancy as fit and strong as others. It’s something that obviously is just insult to injury after all the struggles but of course a small price to pay to get to the other end of this process. So while I was not at my ideal weight to start pregnancy, I know it was all for a greater purpose. Since my transfer, I have gained about 4 lbs. I actually ended up losing weight first during my first trimester due to nausea and finally started to gain weight toward the end of the first trimester. With every pound i know the baby is growing bigger and stronger and that is a precious feeling.

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY Nausea: My nausea would last 24/7 all day long. Luckily I was not vomiting but the constant nausea made it very difficult to do anything. Leaving the house was a huge chore because of not feeling well. I have tried all the at home remedies and will share what has best worked for me. I always stash snacks (usually wheat thins) in my nightstand. I try to wake up and munch on crackers first thing while I am still laying in bed. My favorite morning drink of choice has been mint tea. It’s helped to settle some of the nausea and helps me to keep taking in fluids. I also bought preggie pop drops to suck on when I had bouts of nausea throughout the day. These were easy to throw in my purse if I had nausea strike while I was on the go. Another key to get through the day was packing snacks. I stashed snacks both in my car, in my purse, in Blake’s car, you name it. My snacks of choice: Blue Diamond Mini Nut-Thins in sea salt or cheddar, cheese-it’s, or goldfish. Having something in my stomach at all times was key. Even if it was just a tiny nibble.

Growing pains: Since the uterus is busy growing to accommodate a growing little one, I felt a lot of crampy pains, typically called round ligament pains, while my uterus was expanding to make room for baby. I would especially notice them more in the evenings.

Pregnancy Brain: I swear pregnancy brain is a real thing. I talked about it a little bit in our pregnancy announcement. I feel like my brain is just not functioning the same. I am so forgetful and my brain is just a jumbled mess.

Vision changes: This one is weird but I feel like my vision has been shifting. I already have super bad eyes and sometimes I find I have more sensitivity since I have become pregnant.

Skin: My skin has been through the ringer with the ups and down of hormones with IVF treatment so I feel like the skin changes are not as dramatic for me. I will say that I have hormonal issues on the one side of my face and also notice more inconsistencies and redness in my skin overall. But, I know it could be much worse so I am pretty lucky my skin issues have been minor so far.

Exhaustion: Everyone talks about the exhaustion of the first trimester and it’s true. By early afternoon I just don’t have the energy for anything. Unfortunately, work and life doesn’t stop just because your tired so I find little things to help lift up those afternoon slumps. Since I know the exhaustion is inevitable, I make sure to not over schedule or over commit myself. It’s so important to take care of yourself during this time. After all, I am growing a tiny life inside of me and that is my most important priority. Making sure to schedule in days with no meetings and big commitments to break up a busy week was key for me during this time. Know your body, and know when to say no.

Sense of smell: Before I was pregnant I had a very strong sense of smell. So when I became pregnant… oh my god those senses went through the roof. I remember around 6 weeks I was at a restaurant waiting for our table outside and someone was smoking a cigar down the street. I became violently aware of the cigar smoke and the person smoking was basically down the street. I literally smell everything and let Blake know when things are bothering me, whether he can help me with them or not. HA! Blake is a trooper handing an irrational hormone lady.

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY Excited. Nervous. Anxious. Happy. Overwhelmed. Hopeful. You name it, I am feeling it. Emotionally I have been a rollercoaster. I think I have had so much disbelief coming to terms that our dreams had really come true to have a child. As each week passes, both Blake and I become more excited to move through each milestone. I count the days till I can see or hear the baby again since I am not feeling baby’s movement just yet. I think seeing and hearing the baby is there and healthy is such an important confirmation for me to know everything is ok.

In terms of other emotions, I have found myself to be a lot more irritable. The funny thing is sometimes I see myself being an unreasonable hormonal monster as the words are coming out of my mouth and it’s almost like word vomit that I can’t stop. Poor Blake has to deal with most of it (sorry hubs!!) but it’s something I am working on so I don’t scare my friends with my raging hormones. I think that with all the body changes that are happening so quickly, it wears down your spirits and mood and it’s easy to lose your composure. In those moments, I just have to tell myself how lucky I am to be here and this will all be worth it when we get to meet our baby. While there are tough days, I feel almost guilty to complain about bad physical or emotional symptoms because of how much we went through to get here and how hard others fight to get pregnant. But, I think it’s valid to acknowledge that pregnancy is really hard and it’s ok to not have it together at every moment, to cry because things are hard, and to feel those feelings. Everyone’s journey to baby is so different and it’s ok to feel both the highs and lows of the process and express them.

WHAT I’M EATING So much of my first trimester was eating grilled cheese sandwiches, or cheese melted on a pita. With my nausea, toast and cheese were some of my comfort foods. I ate tons of eggs for breakfast and for lunch. Egg salad on toast became my best friend and a great way to get some protein. Another go to snack? String Cheese. Easy to grab and go when I needed a protein boost. After the first few weeks, I was able to go back to my normal diet. Something about Italian food though just comforted me and didn’t seem to upset my stomach. I continued to eat fish (which I eat at least 3 times a week) and chicken and turkey. The only thing I guess I am very adverse to right now is red meats. Nothing about them sounds good and when I had it my stomach would become very upset. I also try to stick with foods without a ton of different flavor profiles. The simpler the better for me. I still ate alot of flavorful food but not too many complex things going on.

I skipped coffee completely until about week 10/11 because for me, I was just being extra cautious even with decaf coffee. I then started to have an occasional decaf coffee and it made me SO happy to have that as part of my routine again.

HOW I’M SLEEPING What sleep??? I can’t even begin to tell you that sleeping has been hell. Everyone loves to joke to me that “I should get used to it for when baby comes!” Let me tell you… that is NOT what a struggling first trimester pregnant woman wants to hear… so if you think about smirking and dishing out that line to someone… think twice about it. With nausea striking before bed time, that was the first part of not being able to sleep because I felt like I had to hurl. Once I would get to sleep, I would just constantly toss and turn all night long. On top of that, came the middle of night trips to the bathroom. I was so exhausted during my first trimester and I literally could not even take naps because I just could not sleep. This was super frustrating to me because I am someone that always plans out my days to make sure to take care of myself and get the shut eye I need. My doctor recommended Unisom to help get my sleep schedule back on track. I am going to do a whole blog post on things I did to get a good night sleep (whether your pregnant or not).

EXERCISE Because I went through IVF, I basically have not been able to really work out for 2 years. So at this point, I am pretty used to be limited in the physical fitness department. Because of how crappy I was feeling, doing any type of exercise was simply out of the question. I went for walks with Lola but that was pretty much it. I pretty much have just tried to track my steps and make sure I was walking around enough during the day. I have been GLUED to my apple watch, which I could not recommend enough, since it tracks my steps and my heart rate.

CHALLENGES Reaching the end of the first trimester: I feel like after everything we went through during IVF, the first trimester was filled with so much anxiety. It’s like we were waiting for the other shoe to drop and anxiously waiting for each weekly appointment to come and go to reach out next milestone. I think alot of the heartache and struggles both Blake and I dealt with during IVF programmed our brains to always be ready for the worst case scenario. But each week would come and go, and our little miracle baby keeps hitting new milestones. Just gives me chills just thinking about that.

Keeping our pregnancy a secret: Keeping the secret from you guys was TERRIBLE. Especially not being able to share what I was going through in real time started to get really hard and lonely. I was so used to being open with you all and sharing the experiences both good days and bad and it left me feeling very, very sad. It’s the only way I can describe it! I also had a hard time keeping it from people when I would see them in person. Since everyone knew we were doing an embryo transfer… it’s impossible to hide the fact that we knew either way whether it had worked. So seeing friends in person, I would usually cave and just tell them because I am a TERRIBLE liar.

Spotting blood: The spotting during the first few weeks was a total mind f*ck if you can excuse my language. I also had spotting after my vaginal ultrasounds and it was all a constant mind game. I was in such a nervous state for the first trimester and this was one of the main reasons. Apparently it’s very common for women to spot in their first trimester so I had to just take a deep breath and know that baby was fine and healthy and this was going to pass.

WHAT I’M WEARING The first thing to go was my regular bras. I found that they started to suffocate me so I invested in some bralettes to accommodate the growth. It happened almost overnight and I ran to Nordstrom and had a really sweet lady help me pick out a few things. This is my current favorite from that trip. I also picked up this cotton bra from Hatch since I was looking for something white with thin straps. Have been wearing this one most days.

I am still wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes and denim. Since I was always up in weight from all the IVF treatments, I have a couple pair of IVF denim that are a size up from my normal size which is great because I have been able to wear them even into my second trimester. Gym pants have gotten harder so I caved and bought these cozy maternity leggings from Gap and I am telling you… I now have 4 pairs. They are so comfy and they are helping me through this weird transition where I am starting to outgrow my normal clothes but not quite ready for maternity clothes.

SELF LOVE I held off from doing a lot in the early weeks because I was being EXTRA crazy careful of everything. Call me paranoid…. I think in the end you have to do what is comfortable for you during pregnancy and if you have a bad feeling over something that is even allowed, just skip it. I eventually got a mani pedi closer to week 10 and it just felt like such a treat to do something for myself that made me feel good. I have also been taking time to myself at the end of the night to curl up with my kindle and read my pregnancy books. Currently reading this and this.

RECENT PURCHASES I didn’t buy much during the first trimester but below are a few things I picked up.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Nurture

Hatch Bra

Freepeople Bra

Gap maternity leggings

Bio-oil for stretch marks

Artifact Uprising Baby Book (I was very sentimental about this purchase but I put it away for safekeeping until we got out of the first trimester)

Of course Blake has bought the baby literally every Philly sports team onesie he can find so we have sports onesies covered in our house. HA! If you don’t know, we are both from Philadelphia so the baby doesn’t know it yet, but it’s all Philly love when it comes to sports.

BABY PREPARATIONS A big prep we had to take care of was finding an OBGYN. This STRESSED ME OUT SO MUCH. Everyone wants to find the perfect doctor and I felt like the pressure was one since I didn’t have an OBGYN since we moved and had been going exclusively to the fertility doctor. Finding a doctor was a big thing to check off the list. Another thing we did was online register to have our baby at the hospital we want to deliver and to sign up for all our prenatal classes. One of the last baby prep items on the list is to just let go and really take in the fact, that this pregnancy is it. This baby is it. Giving myself permission to really celebrate this and look forward into the future and what that means with our little one. The first trimester was filled with so much hope and anxiety at the same time and I have tried my best to always remember to be kind to myself and really know that this is it.

WHATS NEXT I am currently in my second trimester and working on our gender reveal for you guys (EEEK!!!) hopefully going up next week. Boy or Girl???? Can’t wait to share!!! Other than that I am gearing up for my anatomy ultrasound next week. I have been DYING to actually SEE the baby on ultrasound and have been looking forward to this appointment for so long. I am also currently working on my baby registry which is making my head spin but I promise to share my list with you all when it’s complete. That’s all for now! Leave me a comment with any more questions you might have. Happy to answer!

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