#like im just making all this shit up and if i get over myself ill magically stop having problems | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eebie · 10 months

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i cant keep it hidden any longer

#i get nervousss n shit about gettin character voices all wrong #i spent all of yesterday worryin about if theyd say each others first names or last names or WHAT ! idkkk #i didnt write any more than this But i rlly rlly want to #basing this over the exact types of convos me n my friend have When i watch her play granny #i say dumb shit like ooohhh shes gonna get you Or why are you so mean to this old lady😢😢😢 to rile her up🤭 cos its funny #and then when i run out of things to say i start asking shitty would you rather questions like Would you rather make out with granny #or springtrap. would u rather have to be angel dust Hazbin hotel(she HATES him) or Pinkypills william afton (also HATES)#idk how id write that for these guys. ik theres gotta be a way though #my rambles #homestuck #writing feels more vulnerable than just my silly ass drawins Cos its lettin ppl peek in2 how i think n perceive shit . its intimidatinggg #but im posting it anyways !! ill fight off the urge to delete it the best i can #sayin all this Meanwhile it’s just a few lines from a pesterlog emulator LMAO . i take myself too seriously w stuff like this #rhas my problem i think . joviality come to me NOW! i am lighthearted and carefree about rhis #yaaaayayayaaayy!!!!#FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW. GRANNY IS A SHITTY MOBILE PUZZLE HORROR GAME. THE OG !!!#all the shit like Piggy on roblox. thats copying granny 😤😤😤😡😡😡#my drabbles

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infizero · 14 days

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grgrhgahahh i wanna read more pokespe but i cant do it on my phone and im not unpacking my stuff until the morning

#this is not a real issue i am plenty entertained rn and also am going to be going #to bed soon anyways. i just am rlly in pksp mood #im in a pkmn mood in general lol ive been reading reguri fics as previously stated #but also i got back into legends arceus earlier today which i havent played in TWO YEARS. which is crazy #and man i fucking loveee playing pkmn i rlly hope they make the next #mainline game not half baked. i didnt get scarlet and violet bcuz of that :(#i had a playthrough of it in the bg but. its not the same #it makes me sad that im not up to date like i dont know any of the new #pokemon i dont know anything about SV's region or characters or story #i want to though. maybe ill get around to actually sitting down and watching a playthrough at some point #i also want to get caught up with pokespe in my reread so my first #experience w SV might be thru spe. which is weird to think about #thats never been the case for me with a pkmn game before #i mean. in terms of just being familiar w the game not playing it myself #i have not played every mainline pkmn game lol #my first one was pokemon pearl. which i never beat. but after that i #got alpha sapphire which i was CRAZYYYY obsessed with. i played that game to the bone til there was #literally nothing left to do other than grind to lvl 100 for the hell of it #pokemon moon is INCREDIBLY special to me for a number of reasons #mainly that it was my first pkmn game that i ANTICIPATED. i remember watching the trailers #over and over. every time they dropped new info i was eating it up. i remember when the starters final evos #were finally revealed i was so excited. and ofc the INSANITY that was the red and blue reveal. good times #but yes i similarly played the shit out of moon til there was nothing left to do. and it was the first one #where i was INCREDIBLY invested in the story. i cared and still care about the alola casrt #soooooo much they were literallyyy my friends. i drew them sooo much. and ofc lillie was one of my #most specialest little blorbos ever. i was in LOVE with her as a kid. it was serious #anyways and then i played pokemon sword which i also love dearly. i beat the main game but i #actually still havent finished the dlc.... but i also care very deeply about the galar cast and drew them a lot as well #and thats all not mentioning from my years long obsession with pokespe lol. but anyways yes #serena.txt

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milkweedman · 10 months

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ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.

months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.

#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant)#while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember #usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun #because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die #however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again #so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave #its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad.#i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low #because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in #and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening #i want to scream.#i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care #the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white #hhh.#chronic illness #chronic migraine #and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement #or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body #i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry #at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough #like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it #but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier #im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward #literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit.#so its a catch-22.#vent

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rubiesintherough · 2 months

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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw #negativity tw #i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls #husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic #and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c #and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list #yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes #bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores #and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done #examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it #bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it #like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me #he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself #' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont #and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to #do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room #guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway

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lightbulb-warning · 9 months

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16 classmates means 256 potential dynamics to explore if we only consider 1 on 1 interactions (which i will! ...until this sentence ends) and that means 256 drawings. considering that group interactions exist and it can be any combo that is... a way larger number.

i have 2 hands, 0 time and too much ambition!!

haha! oh no.

#i would like to live my life and also fundematally tear apart my hpfxtn from the inside out and roll in its guts #that's not really possible unfortunately #because TIME #bitches love to hate on me for “quality over quantity uwu” which is valid as FUCK babe you do you #i need to do me and me wants to be engulfed in the concept of interaction. yes specifically through ship art.#that means gotta go fast.#as in. i get told a lot i should not try to improve my drawing speed because i draw fast enough. they fail to consider that i want to!!!!#my brain is an enigma to me too im a barely functioning human if me having social competence comes in the form of free art then #my therapist is gonna make so much fun of me i guess #/lh #mind you. this here talking to myself? this is all silly bullshit ego. i know very well whatever i WANT to do ill end up drawing koquichechi #“ok me we made a plan to practice drawing subtle understated emotions with charact-” “what if we drew koquichechi slapstick instead”#“but the PLAN??” “look at that. it's koquichechi.”#and then i babysit myself into FORCING myself to draw shit i want to draw and would enjoy drawing but it takes SO LONG #an doing things that take time *takes time*. outrageous. how dare you. i hate it. (bla bla bla time is an illusion i KNOW)#and im still figuring out subtle. groooooaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!!!!!!#eh whatevs!#whether i make ANY of my bullshit projects real or not what matters is having fun with it before i die /lh #its gonna be okay #*yearning* i just think itd be cool!!#shut up maiora #rambling #i get threatened with violence constantly by art friends. they're so completely right.#anyway tell me all about your rare-pairs if you want!! i might scribble em in my free time :>#(use the ask box)#(yes platonic too!)#(i think itd be fun 👉👈)#(i wanna hear people's thoughts!!)#(might be done in pencil ^^')#(im getting distracted HAVE A NICE DAY BUHBYE)

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 2 months

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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obsessivetherian · 3 months

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reconditioning my legs. not sure if it will be enough in wake of my knees close to non-existant cartilage. hopefully I don't eat shit too often.

#not even sure if the cartilage in my knee is actually worn down #god i hate being called a liar by the government #makes me feel like im losing even more touch with reality #like im just making all this shit up and if i get over myself ill magically stop having problems #fuck man #being told you're a liar for years really does shit to you #esp when doctors send you to psychs to get diagnosed with munch. multiple times #cpunk #cripple punk #the king sits there | therian talks

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nexus-nebulae · 1 month

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brrrrr (/pos)

#weight talk #<- just in case even though this is pos #but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life #like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL #i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL #but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety #partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly #so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up #well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite #and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs #highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16 #and then it dropped 10 #and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER #and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left #like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling #but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back #I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE #and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore #like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards #but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore #I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man #and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic #when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way #and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore #i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat #seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy

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beaversatemygrandma · 2 years

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Losing my absolute shit bc i can’t chew with my mouth closed without my wisdom tooth jabbing into my cheek

11 days until these fuckers are gone and so is all my money

#taks speaks #i cant explain just how much i HATE the sound of chewing #and the fact that i can't even follow my own guidelines of chewing quietly with my mouth closed is just Killing Me rn #im already following fucking post op rules bc i cant chew anything #im gonna be so excited to eat real food again in a couple weeks #and im about to stock up on a fuck ton of tapioca pudding bc i have tastes of an old person #id make my own huge batch of it bc my mom has a PERFECT recipe for it but i have no patience for that whole thing #it's like a half hour of just standing there stirring boiling milk and it is an excruciatingly long wait #anywho im temporarily a mouth breather bc i can't close my damn jaw without biting my cheek so I Hate That #btw bc theyre all impacted it costs 400 per tooth and bc i have a baby tooth that shouldve left when i was 12 IS STILL THERE #it's coming out too which is another 300 bc its not impacted. then anesthesia. some steroid. the shit they use to close the holes....#like fuck it adds up so much #'i thought you were getting your mom to pay for it' my dad says #'she gave me 2.3k' i say #im going to call her this week and be like 'uhhhhh it's so much more money than that'#who knows if ill get more money or not bc she already gave me a good chunk #that i've already spent like 500 of bc of appointments and consultations #and then the 800 i need for another procedure bc impaction and crowding caused problems #i had a dentist say they recommend braces and i was like 'bruh. i'm already over 3000 down the drain. hell no.'#anyway. just have to keep telling myself this is worth it.#no more pain. no more waking up with headaches from sleeping on my side. no more stress of crowding.#i will be unstoppable without my expected headaches im used to and pain of eating #i am just SO USED to pain it'll be weird to not have any #like. this will be HUGE #im just glad i didn't wait TOO LONG to where the teeth fully grew in #that wouldve been worse. by a lot. and potentially more expensive. so that makes me wonder if i did this a couple years ago if itd be 3k #ugh. i hate this. but this is opening up a lot for me. so fuck.

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fortunately-bi · 17 days

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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words #im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit #in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything #its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something #and every time its nothing #so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with #ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget #i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years #ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something #and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life #and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over #all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it #im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself #its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring #also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore #the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol #i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh #its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life #my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now #i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be #i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems #that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones #i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day #i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again #i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like #and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here #if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine #but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter #anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that #arent doing anything other then making me miserable

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h-ypno · 6 months

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#man ocd is not even fun #like ill have panic attacks over my medical obsession #like #I cant clean my room because everything I do all day every day is detract myself #The emergency room folks KNOW ME #But I cant go to a mental hospital for this mental illness because theywont take me unless I try to kill myself #and I cant afford therapy #so my whole life is just #oooo touhou oooo btd6 oooo cookie clickers number go up i forgot about obsessions!#ooo adhd go br #All while I get ACTUALLY sicker but not being able to commit to appointments because shit just keeps coming up #and the fact that my whole life is stalled makes my impending doom feeling be like #Impending doom: Hey OCD! Im so glad were friends so I can trigger you! Its so much fun!#SO IM FUCKED #IM JUST GONNA KEEP COPING UNTIL I KILL MYSELF #BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA THINK #oh i have a plan to kill myself im going to go get help at a hospital :)#it will be #FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IV ASKED FOR HELP AND NOBODY IS HELPING AND THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH #so

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snekdood · 1 year

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bitches be like “well, we failed to kill him with social isolation, this must mean he is rich and doesnt need to rely on us, clearly cancelling isnt real and doesn’t effect people, i know so much about everything in the world and his life specifically because everything he says online is him talking and posting in real time and we all know he is a static being who doesn’t have ever fluid thoughts in the moment”