#and then ill also beat myself up if i cant work and i wont communicate anything to my parents so im fucked
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#diary#personal#i went out in the rain again. and it was fun but im super tired. maybe i should sleep.#its 2 am rn. so i probably should but there should be a song i wanna listen to getting dropped soon....#ugh. what a dilemma.#yknow i feel like the weed was making me feel like i was disassociating maybe?#drugs tw#maybe thats why i felt like such shit? i mean i still feel like shit. but its managable#idk. i wonder what id be diagnosed with if i saw a doctor sometimes. like. i just feel so insane sometimes even i be like wtf#lmao. idk i dont rly care but its also interesting. like how do i explain why im so irritated when i domt even know? lmao#idk. like ppl always offer to talk if i wanna but like. theres a reason i dont. i dont have anything to talk about#like. i may be depressed rn or something. but theres not much of a reason. maybe just that i dont feel i should be alive?#suicidal ideation#like. with this capitalistic society we live in me living is very much incompatable with me working#like. ill get depressed over nothing and when i do work ill be so tired ill end up self destructive bc i cant handle it all#and then ill also beat myself up if i cant work and i wont communicate anything to my parents so im fucked#idk. i could probably deal with things better. but i also choose to not sometimes.#sometimes we just wanna fall apart. is that so bad?#i mean. im not harming anyone besides myself. so i dont get it.#i also dont get why ppl randomly say you can feel free to talk here. like what motivates you? idk man#i dont rly care one way or another i just dont got anything to talk about.#like. im just depressed rn. do i need a reason?#im like mostly over my trauma n shit. im just tired and overwhelmed now lmao.#how iconic of me. move on from being depressed for a reason and instead am depressed bc im done with this shit.#ugh idk im just rambling. im probably sober by now believe it or not.#that sucks. i rly wish i could get away with never being sober rn. god. just dont wanna exist ffs
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so 358/2 days, amiright? heres my thoughts
this game is just. god its an emotional rollarcoaster
i guess ill start with the things i dont like!! which is mostly the gameplay. i dont really mind the mission structure shockingly (i like being able to roam around but having a clear goal makes things easier for my adhd ass, and i think the miniature storylines are very good for the most part) but i simply could Not get into the combat. especially coming off of kh2 it feels so stiff and unfun to play the only part of the game where i enjoyed the combat was fighting riku at the very end. i think the panel system is okay but i dont like that levels take up space. why did they do that.
story-wise, i dont like the retcons!! a lot of the ones i take issue with are very minor but things like roxas only fighting riku once instead of the implied multiple times (even the dialogue doesnt make sense when you change that, why does roxas say 'how many times do i have to beat you' when theyve only fought once?) are the kinds of inconsistencies that just annoy me.
im also a little bit annoyed at the very concept of this game at all. i think roxas worked just fine as a character without this game. it feels sort of unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. also, xion. i love xion, dont get me wrong, but i dont think she adds anything to the series over all. thats not to say she doesnt add anything to this game because shes a great character and i love her, but shes just. kind of like this game in that if you got rid of her i dont think it would really change the narrative so much.
BUT DESPITE THAT ALL!!!!!!!! i fucking ADORE this game. it is genuinely so full of charm and soul that i just cant bring myself to dislike it. i think this is one of the best written games in terms of dialogue. every scene (at least for me) hit exactly as emotionally hard as i think it was meant to. i was laughing at demyx's antics and crying at xions death and yelling at saix and i think thats exactly how the game is meant to be seen.
days at its heart is a slice of life. its working a 9 to 5 its going through a depressive episode its losing friends its grieving its making fun of your coworkers its living. its a game about life and i love that.
this game really did make me forget that axel roxas and xion dont get a happy ending. i spent so much time looking forward to them making up that i forgot that roxas ran away. hell i almost forgot that xion died.
days is emotional and its story and its characters are just so fucking good. the conflicts all felt very real and you can tell exactly where everyones coming from. the way axel roxas and xion fall apart hits so fucking close to home. but god damnit if axel had any good communication skills like half of this could be avoided
its also one hell of a love letter to axel's character. hes always been one of my favorites (he recently earned first place) and i think this game does him a lot of justice. hes trying to do good. he wants to keep everything together he wants to be there for his friends he wants to make things right but he just cant. its just AUGH its so fucking good
that thing about axel's characterization really also applies to roxas. i dont have much to say about him beyond the fact that i think it does his character very well. also tism. hes so autism.
i kind of like the very limited graphics too. sue me i enjoy low quality games. the hands are not animated and they all have two expressions (blinking and not blinking) and their weapons are flat and im living for it. the very few fully animated cutscenes are good too!!
the (real, i dont count riku) final boss is unfortunately very easy. you can just stand directly in front of her and mash a she wont hit you its too easy but vector to the heavens did mess me up a bit. also earlier scene but "ill always be there to bring you back" with the other promise playing over it? fucked me up man. yoko shimomura is once again killing it
i cant believe roxas didnt get to go to the beach.
i have to give this game a 9/10. its writing is incredible but the gameplay could use a lot of work. its just not fun to play. but again the characters, emotions, and music all make up for that tenfold.
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Roommate!Jeno
a/n: maybe i should just turn this blog into an nct dream one
okay
letsgetit!
first of all,
story time!
your uni is fucking expensive and it’s more expensive if you live in the grounds
so you being the wise human,
you went to get an apartment near the campus
it was great and all since roommate!jaemin was paying for his stuff
you were both living respectively until he had to leave
the dumbass didnt even bother to tell you
one morning you just woke up and found his note
‘hey bitch! figured you were too much of a rock to wake up but i moved out! the family wants me to go back home and tend the restaurant’
the whole day yesterday, you were working
bc,,, yknow
broke college life
and you just walked in half asleep towards your room and fell asleep
so you didnt really see or notice
but were you freaking out bc your roommate suddenly moved out?
ofc you were freaking out
not only was your roommate gone,
how were you going to find a new one?!
jaemin expected your phone call that afternoon and he endured through all your screaming
‘babe, i’m just going to be gone for a year-or two’
‘oR tWO?!’
‘hun, my dad’s injured and his back can only let him do so much. ma’s working too much and i dont have any siblings to help. i figured i could just hold off college until my parents are ready’
ugh, jaemin is such a family boy
‘but jaems! you couldnt have at least told me that yOu wERe mOvING OuT?! and! rent is due soon! i can’t pay for that myself!’
jaemin couldve easily told you to warn yoy
but he didn’t want to tell you bc he couldnt handle you sad and didnt want to upset you
however, now jaemin really understands how shitty that move was
‘tell you what. i’ll pay for this month and make a few phone calls and i’ll get you set up with a new roommate, deal?’
knowing how much of a social butterfly he was, you agreed
ofc you trusted jaemin but part of you feared that he might pair you up with a freak
but he’s not that mean, is he?
you can definitely see renjun doing that but not jaemin
so there you are,,
sitting on your couch alone
without jaemin, your apartment felt really empty
its been a few days since he moved and you were miserable
jaemin hasn’t even texted you about that potential roommate
just as you were about to call him,,
your doorbell rang
you froze and you looked at the time
it was nearing 11 at night and you don’t remember ordering delivery
see,,
if jaemin was here,
he would answer it for you since you would be too scared to do it
but you mustered up your courage and peeped through the peep hole
the man was dressed in all black with a black mask and a black cap with his hood over it with a black hoodie and black pants
ngl, you were terrified and trembling
he rang it again and you jumped
typing out a quick text to jaemin saying ‘hey bub, if i don’t text you in an hour, that means ive been kidnapped so call the police’
you grabbed a pan from the cupboard and gulped before you opened the door
thinking he would just walk forward and grab you, you closed your eyes and raised your pan over your head and swung
a shriek from in front of you made your eyes snap open and found the guy on the floor with a fetal position
you both just froze for like a phat minute
snapping back to reality, you held the pan in front of you
‘if youre going to kidnap me, i got a pan and im not afraid to hit you with it!’
you tried to sound intimidating but your voice was shaking so much
the guy stood up and he took off his hat and the mask to reveal a blonde haired kid
okay, so you were sHOokETh
damn! this boy is fine!
he gave you a shaky smile and held out his hand
‘hi! i’m lee jeno! you must be y/n? jaemin told me you had an opening for a roommate?’
now you noticed the two duffle bags at the side
the embaressment and the shame settled in slowly and you found yourself burning up
nodding, you motioned him to come in
jeno awkwardly walked in and was amazed at how big the layout was with the low rent
‘yea, its kinda hard to believe that we only pay that much. at first i thought there was a ghost in here and that’s why its so cheap’
you tried to make small conversation but laughed weirdly at jeno’s slightly terrified face
‘no! there really is not ghost here! ive lived here for a year and there hasnt been anything so please dont understand! please be my roommate!’
you begged and jeno thought you were weird
but jaemin was right, you were weirdly adorable in a way
so that’s how you and jeno became apartment buddies!
now onto the good stuff!
so, jeno is a vv clean guy
like he’s the type to just pick up a wrapper in the street and throw it in the garbage
so naturally, he likes to keep the apartment as tidy and neat as possible
but you being a mess you are,
you usually leave a lot of things everywhere
lets just say you have a short memory
‘oh? how did that get there?’
eventually, jeno gets sick of it and he confronts you with it
ofc you understand and you actually try to be better
since jeno is literally the most perfect roommate
maybe even better than jaemin
(but don’t tell him that)
jeno is the type to re-stock the pantry with snacks and the fridge with ice cream
since youre both college students, ramen is practically always available in the house 24/7
he also makes the coffee every morning since he works early and wakes up first
even though he doesn’t like the drink and prefers milk, he still notices how you survive off of coffee
babie likes to pick you up some iced americano while he gets a frappe
you on the other hand,,
you’re very surprised
when you got to bed after showing jeno around,
you messaged jaemin
ofc he was worried af and was blowing up your phone
‘WHAT?!’
‘bitch answer the damn phone!’
‘whatthe fuck is happening?!’
‘i need to know if you’re still alive!’
‘oh fuck i shouldnt have moved out’
smiling softly at how worried he was, you responded to him
‘you hoe, it hasnt been an hour yet so chillax. i’m alive, unfortunately, and i just met my new roommate. again, thanks for the heads-up. youre so bad at those. i literally thought he was a burgular or a kidnapper. but he seems chill and emo. just my type.’
but jeno is F A R from C H I L L
oh my goodness,,
hes a crackhead
theres this sound he makes when he’s confused and you couldnt figure out if its cute or weird or if he’s doing this on purpose or thats just how he is
you and him basically communicate with memes
sometimes, at the weird hours at night, he sends you a dumbass meme
you cant help but snort
also, you promised to take jaemin out to dinner to repay him for the great roommate
‘hes literally one of the best people youll ever meet. it just so happen he needed a place to sleep. now you owe me’
hes a science major while you were a computer major
he basically brings home weird stuff to analyze and it just hella stinks
but hes considerate enough to actually put it outside
whenever he’s focused, he talks to himself or the thing he’s analyzing
‘okay mr. fishy. your scales are really big and its bigger than average’
its so cute
oof also!
jeno doesnt have a job yet he always makes rent on time with extra money to spare
he even sometimes buys you stuff saying, ‘they reminded me of you’
for your birthday, he bought you a pearl necklace that mustve costed thousands
at first, you thought he was a chaebol or smth
which you wouldve been vv jealous of bc youre a struggling college student who works at the coffee shop
but, you were answered when you caught him walking in half-dazed and half-asleep with cuts all over his face
it was like 2 in the morning and you were pulling an all-nighter for some project and wanted to get a glass of water
but here he is, hood up, lip busted, black eye, cheek cut
you shrieked and ushered him to sit on the dining chair
thinking he got mugged or something, you start drilling him questions
‘hun, if you were beat up, we need to call the police! this is illegal!’
but jeno chuckles and brushes the stray hairs out of your face as you tend to his lip
‘pls dont. if you do, ill be broke and i wont have money to pay rent then i cant be your roommate anymore’
cue confused y/n
‘wUT?’
‘if i dont make money, youll kick me out and youll have to find another roommate. i dont want you to go through that hassle again’
ofc you were flattered that even during this situation, hes still thinking about you
‘how is this making money?!’
‘i cant believe youre oblivious to so many things. i thought for sure youve caught on.’
more confusion
‘eXCUse mE, lEE JEno? since when have you started coming home with all these things in your face?’
you were worried that this wasnt the first time this happened
but if you think hard about it, thats why he always wears his mouth masks and he always has his blonde fringe down and sometimes wears sunglasses even though its cloudy outside
‘ohmygod lee jeno are you in a gang?!’
jeno was shocked that you came to that conclusion but laughed at how adorable you were rn
with your wide eyes and mouth open
‘nah, bro. i box. its the only way i can make easy money.’
‘but,,, why did you hide this from me? if you needed money i couldve helped you’
he looked at you skeptically
‘sis, you could barely afford that muffin the other day’
lee jeno now looked different from the jeno you met the first day
What you thought to be an innocent little squish was a fighter at night
‘yah, can-um-you need to take this off’
you mumbled while tugging on his sweatshirt
he nodded and slipped it off
he explained why he came late when he first moved
‘i had a late night match and yknow,, school and all, i barely had enough time to come'
as you dab the wound, you try to make small talk to distract yourself
‘so,, youve been boxing this whole time?’
you asked, trying not to get distracted to the way his tight shirt clung to him, showing his defined body
there were bruises up and down his arms and his knuckles were busted
‘yea. i have been since senior high. gotta make money, yknow?’
‘but jen, you can work in coffee shops or at local bookstores. its not worth seeing you busted up like this’
your lips trembled at the thought of him being beaten up too hard to the point he gets into a coma
jenos eyes widened at your wobbling lips and he softly cupped your face
‘hey, im okay and ill be fine. you dont have to worry about me. i usually win, anyways’
his confidence made you chuckle
‘i trust you, lee jeno. just make sure to make it home to me every night.’
‘i know you do and i will. always.”
ever since then,
youve become his little caretaker
youve informed jaemin of what hes been doing and he knew but didnt want you to judge him immediately
smh, jaemin really sucks at informing people
but jeno tries to help you keep up
he even sends you texts that hes fighting that night and your little ‘fighting!’ always makes him smile
his manager and friend, chenle, noticed that hes starting to smile more
chenle likes boxing and wants to be a part of it but doesnt want to be hurt
so,, what better to be the manager of his friend
‘yah, hyung. what’s got you giggly today?’
jeno pointed to the screen and giggled at the little good luck gif you sent
his eyes turned to crescents and chenle smirked
‘wah, you like her, don’t you?’
at the mention of ‘like’, his smile dropped and he shook his head
‘no. of course not. shes just a friend.’
chenle being chenle,,
he continues to prod
‘okay. so every night, you make it your priority to make sure you’re home by 2 in the morning for your friend’
smh, chenle youre so annoying
but hes so right
ever since you caught him,
hes been making sure he gets home at the same time
he sends you a text that hes on his way and you set your ringtone at a very high volume so you wake up and take care of him
during fights, he makes it his sole mission to make out of this alive and a winner for you
but that never crossed his mind as his feelings for you
he just thought of it as making you not worry for him
but then, he starts to think about your stupid little habits
the way you make this face whenever you dont understand
or when you still leave little post-it notes everywhere with ideas you come up with
he noticed it all and he loves them
‘hOLy ShIT!’
that night was when he realized his feelings for you and he was so dedicated on finishing it that he quickly won and he dashed home with his money
bursting through the door, you looked at him with wide and startled eyes
‘what’s wrong?’
you came running but he scooped you up to a hug
ok you were confused but relieved that he was home and alright
jeno looked at your face and wanted to confess but chickened out at the sight of you
you were so good to him and honestly, he doesnt deserve you
(his thoughts, not mine)
‘i-i’
he stuttered and you motioned him to continue
‘i won!’
he shouted and you congratulated him, even though he literally won all the time
guiding him to the chair, you began to dab his cuts
(dab that bitch)
‘im starting to think that your opponents either really suck or youre like the god of boxing’
he didnt know how to take that but blushed red at the mention of him being a ‘god of boxing’
‘nah, im just good’
you eyed him and smiled
he continued to watch you heal him and inspected your face
heavy eyebags and sunken cheeks, it mustve been a long night
he felt a pang in his chest thinking that you push your stuff away just to help him
‘you dont have to keep doing this for me, yknow’
you halt and look at him seriously
‘i know i dont. but i cant sleep at night thinking youre in pain and alone when i can be there for you’
even though he just realized it, jeno was pretty sure he fell in love with you a long time ago
but if it was possible, he fell in love with you even more
‘thank you’
his soft voice filled the silence and you vowed that you will always be there for him whenever he needs help
a few days later, jeno hasnt been to a fight
sure you were worried at what was going on in his head but partly relieved that you dont have to see him so battered anymore
but this was so un-jeno
just as you were about to talk to him about it, he announces he got a job at the bookstore down the street
‘huh? i thought you didnt want to work’
you question while he looked sheepish
‘i realized that i was starting to become a burden since you take care of me every time. so i thought i should quit and get a regular job. besides, it doesnt hurt as much’
he laughed but you didnt react
‘lee jeno, you gave up boxing and the money,,, for me?’
he nervously looked up at you and you noticed the redness of his cheeks
‘i-well-if you put it that way’
‘listen to me, im flattered and i truly love that you dont want to get beaten up anymore. but i dont want you to quit something you like because of me'
‘but you always take care of me and push your priorities away to clean me up. i dont do anything in return and i dont think its fair!’
he argued and a soft smile crept up your face
‘yah, lee jeno'
your voice became a whisper
‘it doesnt matter to me if you dont do anything in return bc i dont see this as a favor. you are mine to take care of and i will do anything for you, you understand that?’
he looked at you in shock after hearing your response
he also turned red at the mention of him being yours
‘so-but-i dont think-'
he stutters but you place your hands on his arms making him stop
‘all i ask is you to come back home, to come back to me'
by now, yall were blushing
even though it might not sound like it,
but yall just indirectly confessed to each other
yall stared at the ground and jeno looks up, biting his lip
‘hey, y/n, can i make it up to you with some coffee?’
your head darted up and looked at him with wide eyes
‘like-like a date?’
it came out suddenly and you stepped back in surprise, cursing yourself
but jeno chuckled, eyes scrunching cutely
‘it'll be one of many'
lmao i didnt really like this but i made it at 2 in the morning and i kinda like boxer!jeno
#lee jeno#jeno#jeno imagines#lee jeno imagines#boxer!jeno#nct dream jeno#nct dream jeno imagines#lee jeno scenarios#jeno scenarios#nct dream imagines#nct dream scenarios#boxer!jeno imagines#roommate!nct dream#roommate!jeno#lee jeno fluff#jeno fluff#nct dream fluff
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I miss my friends. I was once told that I will receive more help if I present myself with a smile. I learned something when I heard that for the first time and I still think about it to this day. I immediately thought about my friends, the friends I didnt deserve. Through the winter I went through a difficult times. I was to the point of becoming suicidal because many things were going wrong at once. I had constant episodes and breakdowns. I was at my lowest point. One day I had a breakdown where i ended up locking myself in my room crying and I said something I shouldnt have said. I concerned everyone even my friends. When they heard about it they immediatley came to my house and they witnessed me at my lowest. We cried together. They helped me. I didnt deserve it. At that point i realized that my friends do care, im the one who doesnt. I often dont make time for my friends because of girls. I think thats because im awful at timemanagement. my first gf had me in chains and i believe thats something I grew accustomed to. It became a habit that stuck and is present in my relationships but its a terrible excuse. I know that I have more time than I think, i simply dont distribute it properly. I couldve kept all of my friends. I didnt care enough about my friends to make time for them the way they did for me. I would still get invited to things even when I hardly went. A part of it was because of time managment and another was because of the complications I caused with other people. Mostly over a girl. At one point i believed that one of my “enemies” stole all my friends but that isnt that case. If i was mature enough to deal with my own insecurities and handle the presence of my “enemy”, I would have been able to keep my friends. But i wasnt mature and I was insecure and I always feared about how awkard it would be and it always was. I write enemy in quotations because thats what I thought it was at the time. it wasnt. I look back and realize that it was a a friendship that became lost over pride, ego, and insecurities. I could have kept all my friends if I communicated. Even if my enemy and I were never going to be friends again i wouldve been fine with that as long as there was a neutrality that didnt interfere with my true friends. Thats where I failed. I didnt communicate.I dont believe its too late to change things for the better, but it would be extremely difficult. I already lost most of friends. i mainly feel as if I lost an important one, iwasnt sure why at first but now I do. I lost him because of who I am, the posion, the fake that I am. And I miss him, he was my broher. I miss the simple moments like the time I let you drive my car all the way back home. I also miss all my friends. but i dont deserve them, so its only right that I lose them. I miss coon, I was always pretty fucked up to him. I dont know why, believe me sometimes it just happened or came off as rude. There was one time he asked me for water from my pelegrino bottle but i didnt give him any but then i turned around and offered T some. It wasnt intentional. I gave T some because I felt there was tension between us and I was hoping water would help for some reason to show him that I still cared and that I didnt hate him. But by doing that I offended you and I didnt realize how fucked up that was until you told me.That stuck with me and I still hate that I did that to you. If there was no tension I wouldnt have given anyone water to be honest. You know im a germ freak. Btw I know I didnt hyu about the job. You dont want to work there bro and Insurance is also a pain in the ass so it just wasnt possible yet especially with the lack of workers. I miss G, We never hung out because im boring but hes great. I miss H, I miss J I miss R I miss queers. I miss you all. Yeah I go to a diferent school but honestly you niggas are a couple minutes away I can make it there. They were my only friends in highschool. Im pretty introverted so finding new friends is extremely difficult. On top of that, finding friends like them is damn near impossible. I keep my circle small, but my circle is so small that Im the only one in it now. Im not sure why I dont hit anyone up anymore. It might be because of my pride. or my ego. or the fact that it may be too late now. I miss my friends and I want them to know it without telling them. and thats the problem. I cant communicate but I dont because im scared. I know its cowardace to do it by posting it where no one will see but thats the point. Those who care will see. My real friends will see. and maybe they feel the same or maybe they just wont care. I truly hope I get another chance to do better as a friend. No one knows me better than they do. Maybe its different know, college is in the way and everyone is figuring themselves out. Maybe im choosing a bad time. Maybe its not that deep and we dont hang bc of school. Why dont I just hit them up? SImply because I dont believe I deserve them. Because ive been such a bad friend already and they have no reason to communicate with me. and Im also afraid that its too late. I may be wrong, maybe thats what this is for, but one day ill have to build the courage to say homething. because thats the thing, We never liked clues or beating around bushes, we liked straight up, blunt conversations. So simply put I miss you queers. I hope all of you are doing good. and I hope i can be forgiven.
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i just want to let her know that i care for her. im sorry that the miss she ‘loves’ doesnt love her back. i want her to be my girlfriend. i dont know how to be in a relationship for one. and i certainly dont know how to conversate with her. we dont have much in common. my knowledge is not leveled to hers. i always ask questions and act inappropriate when i shouldnt. i dont have ambitions. i dont know how to communicate and have fun with others as she does. at this point all ive got is what i can provide for her. sex. im not going around it. sex is basically all shes holding out for. well at least thats what im concluding to. i dont want to feel uncomfortable. i think about having sex with her all the time. i just cant act on it because im self concoious of my body and my performance (since technicallly ive only had sex once). i want to have sex with her so bad but i dont like how in her words, that im such a ‘nube’. i dont like that i am. i want to be as experienced as her so we can both really enjoy ourselves. and i dont know if i should trust her. she says she cant trust me. which leaves me having to prove to her that she can. i dont now how yet. can i make her trust me through having sex with her? i wish i can simply ask her but her answers would either be straight forward (which always leaves me at a stump because i dont answer to her right away or/and/because i dont know what to say back to her) or her telling me what she thinks i want to hear. she can only put up with so much. so two things i want to know. is the reason why shes keeping me around for sex ( which she did admit to that she is lonely), and is having sex with her a way for her to trust me? im not confused because i know what i want to ask. but am i ready for the answers? am i ready to respond in a casual way but also thought through answers? i dont want to dissapoint her as i already have enough. shes the most amazing person that ive met so far in my life. i dont want her to go out of my life. i want her all to myself. i get jealous when she talks about other girls. i want her to be mine. i know im not good enough for her. i just want to know if i can be.
im into her because shes loyal, responsible, caring, selfless, funny, smart, has good taste in music, vulnerable, disciplined. i dont want to say im in love wither because i dont want her to go away. i know i feel deeply for her because i can cry for how much shit she has to put with. i can cry for. instantly. ive never felt this for anybody, or have this act of crying being so instant. my stomach turns, my heart beat goes up, im always thinking of her, i want her to be mine. i want her to love me back, i want to kiss her and have her be needy for me. i want to love her back. id love having sex with her. i loved her being between my thighs warming me up. fuck why did she have to be 23. fuck why cant i be good eough for her. i feel like she about to be my missed opportunity that i will regret for the rest of my life. but then i feel empty that when i have sex with her shell eventually dread having to be with me. be dissapointed and give up on me. again. there is only so much this girl can take.
i want to be good enough for her. i feel like if i lose her i wont be able to live. even just thinking about not having her in my life rightnow makes me want to cry and have this deep feeling of loneliness and sorrow. i just cant, i dont want to lose her. let her only be interested in me. pick me. choose me. im sorry im not good enough for you now. i want to be. i will take care of you, shower you with millions of kisses. i want her trust me. i cant afford to lose you. id feel like elena after getting her humanity back. id feel numb like kristen after edward just vanishing. i would feel empty and dark. i would want to leave and never come back. i need ganas. for her.
i dont know if we were suppose to meet or not or what ever. i need this to work. i dont want her out of my life. i need her. she needs to be mine. fuck everyone else. shed be the second person id live for. i dont want to cry and be lonely without her. even though this is me catching feels way to strong at this point of knowing eachother i just need things to work out. ll shut my mouth. ill give her me. ill be what she wants me to be. i just need her entirety. shes the most amazing soul in this universe that ive met. i cant lose her. i dont want to. i cant continue explaining myself for im just collapsing and cant stress more than enough that i need her and i want to be with her. shed be my everything. i just need anything. i need her in my arms. i need her warmth and her care and her intellegence. i want to embrace her and make her feel anything she needs in the moments she needs help or care or what ever. i just.. i cant. i dont want to. i wont i guess. shes just. dont leave.
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Journal post, please dont read this i just hate writing things on my phones memo pad
Seriously please just scroll past. Especially if weve ever dated, met irl, or you are using a computer or phone to scroll through tumblr, please respect me and dont read this. Breakups are hard. They work like the stages of grief, and work differently for both parties, which means maintaining a friendship afterwards is extra hard. At firat, theres the denial (for the dumper, its before the break up). Surely all that relationship cant be over, right? Then comes the self-hatred, the depression stage. How could i date them? How could i hurt him? How could i let her hurt me? You begin to bargain with yourself, too. "Ill talk to them again, but only a little, and i wont respond to anything involving our old relationship." "I'll keep wearing this ne klace they gave me, let it remind me of what ive lost." "Ill keep the rings for now. Who knows, if i fix myaelf up, maybe ill get another chance." Back in high school, this stage probably embarrassed a few of us, especially if we thought that "holding the radio up while playing our song" thing wasnt creepy as HELL. Evebtually those self-deals fall through, and the illusion of good you had about your partber wears off as you can no longer use the salve of denial and infatuation to soothe the burns. Anger starts boiling up, abd you lose any semblance of forgiveness with them-- "because that forgiveness is what allowed you to get hurt!" You tell yourself (or are told by your friends). You begin to sense the full scale of the damage they did, and you finally let go of the idea that it was all your fault. Now, its all theirs. I hate this part, be ause we all know its bullshit. No relationship that exists exists only because of one person. Codependency takes two to form, and two to feed. Maintaining a friendship after requires allowing yourself to forgive, to say "what happened, happened, and i cant change that. But i wont let it control me. I refuse to let it affect every or even any aspect of my life, to the best of my ability. I am moving forward." (Note: forgiveness does NOT mean pretending it never happened, or wiping the slate clean, and if you think it does, please never talk to abuse victims). That part can be really, really hard to get to. Maybe your partner was really, really shitty, and left some wounds that are still healing. Maybe your partner is still hurting you, calling you at 4 in the morning promising theyve stopped drinking. Maybe you are atill so angry at yourself that you didnt stop her from raping you while you house sat.... My point is, sometimes, it still hurts, so much. And you want to get revenge, to hurt them back before they get the chance to hurt you again, and so you snap at them, or talk shit behind their back. Maybe you write a burn book, or trash their stuff, set it on fire, etc. Revenge is so easy to chase, such a low hanging fruit. Why not burn that bridge. Ive burned a lot of bridges, happily. But then again, the bridges ive burned fastest were those of people forcing me to have sex with them (SS, SB, AE) or cheating on me (BP, AC, YK), or beating me (SB, AE), or just plain being bigoted assholes (MN, SB, J). Im used to defending myaelf from pain by cutting contact off from that source of hurt. What im not used to is wanting to stay in touch. Its happened before. Hell, it happened with someone on the list above; we made amends, fixed our issues, and are once again friends. But its just so.... rare. How can i be friends when they need to hate me to heal, when they need to hate me to protect tyemselves from people who do what i did? How can i be friends with someone who couldnt communicate their needs to me before? Why do i think we could communicate well now, if we couldnt then? And even if we could, whose to say we will, instead of making assumptions and then getting defensive, or worse, jumping preemptively to the offense because we went down that road before and MUST be going down that same road now? Maybe we just need some time. Luckily, thats the only resource ill always have for the rest of my life. I am glad to be past the "only self hate" part, though. To know that i am allowed to move forward, rather than drown myself in my own mistakes.... that was hard to do, too. Again, thanks for not reading. If you read this, either forget it or may your worst nightmares end. No seriously if you read it you suck and i hate you but also please less nightmares for you. For all of us. Theres enough pain and fear as it is.
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