I talk to no one while she talks to everyone. She doesn't "love" me but she doesn't show it. She doesn't want a relationship but she acts like it. I'm drowning and she's fine. Im still on a tight leash and I don't know what we're working towards. I'm still the bad guy and as much as I love her I'm tired of the same routine everytime. I'm bad I'm bad she's good she's good. It's toxic. It's tiring. I know I can fix it but what's it going to cost me? Myself?

I feel the loneliest in the world

Would you miss me if I vanished or am I just a piece of home you keep close?

I miss my friends. I was once told that I will receive more help if I present myself with a smile. I learned something when I heard that for the first time and I still think about it to this day. I immediately thought about my friends, the friends I didnt deserve. Through the winter I went through a difficult times. I was to the point of becoming suicidal because many things were going wrong at once. I had constant episodes and breakdowns. I was at my lowest point. One day I had a breakdown where i ended up locking myself in my room crying and I said something I shouldnt have said. I concerned everyone even my friends. When they heard about it they immediatley came to my house and they witnessed me at my lowest. We cried together. They helped me. I didnt deserve it. At that point i realized that my friends do care, im the one who doesnt. I often dont make time for my friends because of girls. I think thats because im awful at timemanagement. my first gf had me in chains and i believe thats something I grew accustomed to. It became a habit that stuck and is present in my relationships but its a terrible excuse. I know that I have more time than I think, i simply dont distribute it properly. I couldve kept all of my friends. I didnt care enough about my friends to make time for them the way they did for me. I would still get invited to things even when I hardly went. A part of it was because of time managment and another was because of the complications I caused with other people. Mostly over a girl. At one point i believed that one of my “enemies” stole all my friends but that isnt that case. If i was mature enough to deal with my own insecurities and handle the presence of my “enemy”, I would have been able to keep my friends. But i wasnt mature and I was insecure and I always feared about how awkard it would be and it always was. I write enemy in quotations because thats what I thought it was at the time. it wasnt. I look back and realize that it was a a friendship that became lost over pride, ego, and insecurities. I could have kept all my friends if I communicated. Even if my enemy and I were never going to be friends again i wouldve been fine with that as long as there was a neutrality that didnt interfere with my true friends. Thats where I failed. I didnt communicate.I dont believe its too late to change things for the better, but it would be extremely difficult. I already lost most of friends. i mainly feel as if I lost an important one, iwasnt sure why at first but now I do. I lost him because of who I am, the posion, the fake that I am. And I miss him, he was my broher. I miss the simple moments like the time I let you drive my car all the way back home. I also miss all my friends. but i dont deserve them, so its only right that I lose them. I miss coon, I was always pretty fucked up to him. I dont know why, believe me sometimes it  just happened or came off as rude. There was one time he asked me for water from my pelegrino bottle but i didnt give him any but then i turned around and offered T some. It wasnt intentional. I gave T some because I felt there was tension between us and I was hoping water would help for some reason to show him that I still cared and that I didnt hate him. But by doing that I offended you and I didnt realize how fucked up that was until you told me.That stuck with me and I still hate that I did that to you. If there was no tension I wouldnt have given anyone water to be honest. You know im a germ freak.  Btw I know I didnt hyu about the job. You dont want to work there bro and Insurance is also a pain in the ass so it just wasnt possible yet especially with the lack of workers. I miss G, We never hung out because im boring but hes great. I miss H, I miss J I miss R I miss queers. I miss you all. Yeah I go to a diferent school but honestly you niggas are a couple minutes away I can make it there. They were my only friends in highschool. Im pretty introverted so finding new friends is extremely difficult. On top of that, finding friends like them is damn near impossible. I keep my circle small, but my circle is so small that Im the only one in it now. Im not sure why I dont hit anyone up anymore. It might be because of my pride. or my ego. or the fact that it may be too late now. I miss my friends and I want them to know it without telling them. and thats the problem. I cant communicate but I dont because im scared. I know its cowardace to do it by posting it where no one will see but thats the point. Those who care will see. My real friends will see. and maybe they feel the same or maybe they just wont care. I truly hope I get another chance to do better as a friend. No one knows me better than they do. Maybe its different know, college is in the way and everyone is figuring themselves out. Maybe im choosing a bad time. Maybe its not that deep and we dont hang bc of school. Why dont I just hit them up? SImply because I dont believe I deserve them. Because ive been such a bad friend already and they have no reason to communicate with me. and Im also afraid that its too late. I may be wrong, maybe thats what this is for, but one day ill have to build the courage to say homething. because thats the thing, We never liked clues or beating around bushes, we liked straight up, blunt conversations. So simply put I miss you queers. I hope all of you are doing good. and I hope i can be forgiven.