This has nothing to do with me personally although I think technically in a sense it does apply to me, but I’m curious about people’s opinions on like. God I know we all hate this but like. Internet creator drama?

Like okay say you have Generic Influencer Figure and they do something mildly questionable but then everyone comes out of the woodwork to be like “I always knew they were a bad person”. It’s like. I feel like people expect that person to then publicly apologize and explain their side. It’s like either they don’t and people get mad because they “ignored the controversy” or they do and people get mad because they “made a fake and shitty apology video”. Also this idea that if you try and explain your side it’s you “deflecting” and “putting the blame on everyone else”. Like you could literally be like “I’m sorry for this thing I did” and people will be like “but they didn’t apologize”. Obviously I need to state: you cannot please EVERYONE but like with how much this happens I guess

1. Do you ever wonder about how you would respond to claims that you’re a terrible person? Like would you defend yourself and run the risk of people saying that you’re making other people look bad and trying to make yourself look good or would you ignore it and run the risk of people saying you’re ignoring it?

2. What do you expect OF creators who this happens to? If hypothetically someone you were a fan of had accusations made against them (I doubt anyone out here has never been a fan of someone who has had accusations against them) what type of response do you want to see from them? Would you prefer they ignore it or would you prefer that they try and explain their side?

3. Do you think people “trying to paint themselves in a good light by explaining their side of things” is wrong or just… human nature? Does it feel weird that people say “you’re just trying to make yourself look good” as an insult when we all do that, as people?

4. Do you have a personal line between what is “petty drama” and “doesn’t involve you as a viewer” and what is enough grounds for you to stop interacting with people?

Obviously if you’re very tired of internet drama as a topic then don’t engage with this but if you have Strong Opinions and No Where To Say Them then I guess hi I’m opening up the floor

nct dream mtl likely to be fwb? recently fwb jisung has been making me feel some type of way 😭😭 especially like the way u wrote him in ur fic where he goes from shy to cocky ITS SO GOOD

okay this was kinda hard. i didn’t know whether i should rate them on how likely they would to be in a fwb situationship or who would be least likely to catch feelings or what so i just kinda did a mix of both. DISCLAIMER THIS IS JUST MY OPINION AND YOU MIGHT DISAGREE BUT OH WELL

next fic idea after catgirl x jaemin might be fwb!haechan brrr

MOST

chenle. i feel like he’d also be the least likely to catch feelings if you entered a fwb arrangement with him. you two would be those friends that everyone is like “oh you guys aren’t dating yet?” and eventually the sexual tension between you two got too much and yall started fucking on the dl.

haechan. okay this is like an obvious answer but hear me out. hes literally just as delusional over you as you for him and any opportunity he gets to jump your bones, hes taking. hes been down bad for you since day 1 and isn’t afraid of hiding it. literally would just look at you and you already know he wants to fuck the shit outta you in that moment.

renjun. i feel like it could go either way with him. he’s down for whatever makes you happiest, whether that mean being fwb or bf/gf.

jaemin. i feel like he wouldn’t want to play with your feelings like that but he also wouldn’t be able to resist being able to fuck you anytime anywhere. yall would end up dating after like 2 weeks max

jeno. this is such a surprising answer for me bc i would literally commit crimes in 87 different countries to be his fwb but i don’t think jeno would be very likely to have a relationship like that. like just date him already damn he’s such a sweet boy why would you play with his feelings like that

mark. bitch stop playing with his heart like that😭when he really likes someone, his heart would not be able to handle all that uncertainty and back and forth. he needs to have you as his girl and not just some situationship or he will lose his mind and kill himself or something. he will carry your babies idk

jisung. okay jisung would definitely think yall are dating if yall start fucking 😭 like wdym youre not his girlfriend when he knows what you taste like? when you’ve literally had your face shoved down his cock n balls? when you introduce yourself as just his girl best friend to someone, he would whip his head around so fast and look at you so betrayed. would he be down to be fwb with you? sure. but good luck trying to convince him that doesn’t mean he’s your actual boyfriend. so really the answer is No

LEAST

i know you've been talking about jason lately so i'll ask about smth different... robin jason (sorry)

idk idk lately i've been wanting to take a peek at his robin comics for the sake of writing fic (ofc...) but i'd like to hear what u think before that, a summary of sorts if u may (i also wanna contrast what u say with what i get out of it so yeah)

i feel like his robin days are so muddled by his identity as red hood later on, and even before that it was his death. u had people constantly blaming jason for dying in text (or else they'd have to admit bruce can make mistakes and everyone in dc is allergic to doing that) and painting him like someone reckless and violent (classist editorial u need to DIE), and then people in fanon painting him like a sweet fella who would do nothing wrong and as well as being bruce's Only Actual Son etc etc for the sake of making the situation around him all the more sadder (yeah yeah pathetic meow meow we've all seen it)

and i'm just curious bc i rlly wonder what the actual comics say about him, most likely something in the middle of this? exams are killing me but my god i'll come back to life after im done just to read jason robin's days... have a good day !!!

the difficulty with reading about jason as robin is that there are three primary periods that all differ fairly dramatically from each other — pre-crisis jason todd is a strawberry blond acrobat who’s almost adopted by dick grayson before becoming robin; post-crisis jason todd is a kid from crime alley who steals the wheels off the batmobile before becoming robin; and post-crisis, post-utrh jason todd is a very angry, very violent kid who becomes a cautionary tale after he gets himself killed (something he is often blamed for).

we can walk the line here. pre-crisis jason isn’t particularly relevant because so much of robin!jason’s stories depend on his reinvention after the reboot. all the crucial factors leading up to death in the family — growing up in the alley, both his mothers, his relationship with the robin mantle, his developing relationship with dick grayson, his slow schism from bruce, his relative isolation from other superheroes — are all crucial to who he is, especially after his death.

fanon about jason is annoying because there are valid criticisms that can be made about how he’s written with regressive, classist stereotypes, but as always it pivots way too far in one direction. jason wasn’t the “happy” or “angry” robin in the same way that dick wasn’t the happy or angry robin — they’re both characters that possess more than a single emotion. it’s true that jason was later written to be more explicitly violent (to contrast him with dick) but also like… they’re both pretty similar characters that differ in interesting ways. dick created robin to be a symbol of hope and joy. jason carried that on when he took up the mantle. they can both be angry at stuff without the world falling apart. it’s not that serious.

the dialogue about dick being a child soldier but jason being the true son makes me want to tear my hair out. jason became robin because bruce missed dick and was afraid of being alone. they’re both his gd kids. acting as though bruce wayne doesn’t love dick grayson so much that extra-dimensional beings can clock it is so fucking stupid. it once again ties into fanon’s obsession with each character only getting to be “one” thing. tim is smart, which means he’s the smartest. jason said robin made him magic, which means he’s happy all the time. dick chased after zucco in a grief spiral, which means he’s the violently angry one, with no other character traits. dick can’t have been nice to jason because he’s nice to tim, etc. seems a little silly, no?

i think i’ve only read jason’s brief run as robin once, though ive gone through a death in the family + a lonely place of dying a bunch of times, so ig my advice for reading him is to keep in mind the context in which he was created. dc comics was reeling from losing dick grayson as robin, and were really throwing anything at the wall to get something to stick. many, many negative tropes are baked into his introduction, and thanks to writers like jeph loeb and scott lobdell they have compounded over time. jason’s updated backstory is, with actual critical intent by the writer, a really good examination of how poverty and class will affect how someone views the world. his death was not his fault — and removing sheila haywood from that warehouse purposely makes his story less tragic. he was a good kid! and he was angry for a good reason. if jason had lived, i believe he would’ve carried on the robin tradition and left bruce behind once their differences became insurmountable.

so i’ve been on my atla bs once again, and while rewatching today i got the lovely thought that azula reminded me of a specific kpop idol and spiraled from there. so. here’s my personal list of kpop idols as atla characters!!

these are mostly based on vibes and/or visuals. by no means do i mean to make idols i think are similar to the show’s antagonists out to be bad people!!! i will give an explanation behind my thoughts as well.

also disclaimer, i know next to nothing about boy groups, so please spare me lol

anyways

seungkwan (seventeen) as aang

- once again, i know nothing about boy groups

- i did however watch the devil’s plan (amazing show by the way, it’s on netflix) and the positive but still very determined vibe seungkwan brought to the show reminded me of aang

- also, this selfie of him reminds me of the one scene with aang in the flower crown

jihyo (twice/soloist) as katara

- extremely hard workers who trained for years to get to where they are now

- have natural leadership abilities and are total mom friends

- would cuss someone out if they were very annoyed

- thanks to jeongyeon and her water bottles, jihyo is actually a pro waterbender already (jeongyeon is pakku but without the misogyny. the entire pakku/katara fight is just a compilation every single concert encore where jeong and jihyo bicker)

chan (skz) as sokka

- this honestly just felt right

- every time i see a clip of chan on a live i end up laughing

- i have also heard from stays that skz would collapse without chan and i very much think the same of sokka since he’s the ideas guy

- also aussie sokka lmao

hyunjin (loossemble) as toph

- competitive level 1000000 (please watch one episode of loossemble assemble and tell me i’m wrong)

- would do something out of spite but is also very protective of friends

- cannot be left alone without causing hazards

- theft (“stealing can be fun” -hyunjin)

- chaos reincarnate when younger, calmer (a bit) when older

- toph would also wear that shirt and pretend she didn’t know what it said even though sokka told her

heejin (artms/soloist) as suki

- i mostly thought of this because heejin and hyunjin are former loona members and good friends. which would make the scene where suki saves toph from drowning even funnier imo

- but also have you SEEN this woman’s muscles??? i have full confidence that heejin could handle her own in a fight

- every sapphic i know who’s seen atla had a crush on suki growing up and every sapphic loona stan i’ve met (which is most loona stans) has had a crush on heejin

- heejin’s lore in loonaverse is basically being a god and i personally equate that to suki

- also, they’re dorks

siyeon (dreamcatcher) as azula

- LITERALLY THE REASON I THOUGHT OF THIS POST (specifically vision era hello???) LOOK AT HER

- siyeon is at the scene of the crime like 90% of the time something chaotic happens in dreamcatcher so i can fully imagine her cosplaying azula and running around with sparklers or something

- she’s also very good at looking evil in mvs so i think she could play azula

- that scene in the deja vu music video right before the last chorus when fire shoots up from behind her? she’s literally a firebender

seonghwa (ateez) as zuko

- i know absolutely NOTHING about ateez aside from a couple of their title tracks but this man looks so much like siyeon i couldn’t resist

- idk i just feel like they’d be good at being the fire disaster siblings

- he also looks like he’d eat up the “the scar is not on the wrong side” line for some reason???

- was probably an angsty teenager at some point

miyeon (gidle) as ty lee

- nobody can out femme either of these two

- cute extroverts who could also be deadly (like imagine x-file miyeon during boiling rock)

- i feel like ty lee would LOVE doing dance challenges with anyone and everyone

bibi (soloist) as mai

- i am fully aware that bibi isn’t an idol but i couldn’t resist

- she just gives the mai vibes honestly. you know that trope where the guard asks the character to hand over all of their weapons and just stands there and stares as said character pulls out knives from everywhere? that is both bibi and mai

- bibi is also the queen of every concept so i fully believe she could probably play the entire cast of atla in a chaotic one-woman show

anyways i hope you enjoyed my chaos rambling and i kind of want to do this with other shows so if you liked this please leave me recommendations!

Reaping the Benefits

Florence Pugh x Reader

Word Count: 1517

Warnings: none

A/n: i have a shit ton of requests to get thru and I've been in a bit of a rut with writing but idk why i had to write this one today, it just kinda came out of nowhere. i hope y'all enjoy!!

*gif not mine

Working at a coffee shop in a cozy and hidden part of New York had its benefits. One of which being you got to meet all sorts of cool people, the few that wandered into the small shop. Most of the time, it was a handful of regulars that would come in to grab their morning coffee or students at the nearby community college spending their days tucked away into the corner to read and study, but every once in a while, some stragglers come in and discover the hidden gem that was your workplace.

You made sure to talk to everyone that came in, even if it was just to ask how their day was going. Knowing life isn’t always easy, sometimes a friendly face could change someone’s day. The tips you got from it didn’t hurt either.

At 9:12 p.m. the last of what few customers you had left in the shop had made their way out the door. You and your boss were on the closing shift tonight and you both were hoping to get out of there at a respectable time, especially after the day you had. Two baristas called off sick and there was a full house around 7:00 pm for whatever reason. The line wasn’t worked through until 8:30, with more and more people adding to it. Truthfully, this was probably one of the worst shifts you’d had in a long time.

The bell to the front door rang as someone entered the building, obviously not aware that all of the lights were off. You were behind the counter wiping down the espresso machine, not even bothering to look up at the person.

“Hey, we’re closed,” you said in a monotone voice, hoping the lack of enthusiasm would give them a hint.

“Oh darn, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll be on my way,” you heard a familiar voice say. Stopping in your tracks, you turned to see blonde hair starting for the door.

“Wait,” you exclaimed. The figure turned and looked at you.

Frantic to catch her before she bolted, you walked around the counter, but not fast enough to startle her.

She stared back at you, a look of embarrassment on her face. She looked like she’d been caught in the act of some horrific crime.

“You’re-You’re Florence Pugh, right?” Her expression softened as she let out an exhale of relief. “Guilty”

A smile formed on your face as you admired her for a second too long. “Sorry, I don’t mean to stare. You’re like my favorite actress.”

Florence smiled back, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks.

“Thank you darling, that means a lot, really,” she said in her beautiful accent. You nodded back to her, grateful that she acknowledged it.

“I don’t suppose that would help any in convincing you to make a latte for me? I know you’re closed, but I could really use it,” she playfully joked, but there was a hint of desperation in her voice.

You glanced back at the espresso machine that you were just about done cleaning, and then at the clock that read 9:32 p.m. “I haven’t started on the espresso machine yet, so I don’t mind.”

Normally you wouldn’t lie, but c’mon. It’s Florence Pugh! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you weren’t about to waste it. So what if you had to clean the machine again? It was worth it.

You started for the back of the counter while Florence took a seat at the bar in front of it, carefully placing her bag in her lap. “Thank you so much, how much do I owe you?”

Shaking your head with a laugh, you glance at her from behind the machine. “Nothing, it’s on me.”

Florence frowned and fished her wallet out of her bag. “Please, you’re really saving me tonight. Do you have a tip jar at least?”

“It’s really okay, it’s just a coffee,” you said as Florence spotted the tip jar by the cash register. She hopped out of her seat and placed a $20 bill in the jar and made her way back.

Just as you were about to protest, your manager came out from the back after hearing all the talking. “Y/N, what’s going on? We’re closed,” he said, spotting Florence, who gave him a shy smile.

You looked at him with startled eyes as you set the pitcher of milk on the counter. “Oh, she’s with me. We’ll be done soon, I promise. I can lock up once we’re done if you wanna head out.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice. Just make sure to turn out the back light once you’re done,” he said, grabbing the store key from his pocket and throwing it to you. “Oh, and didn’t you already clean that machine?”

Heat rose to your cheeks as you were called out for lying in front of Florence. You moved your eyes between her and your boss as she flashed you a knowing look.

“Ah, no not yet. I was getting to it,” you replied, staring at the floor, hoping it would swallow you whole to save you from the embarrassment.

Your boss nodded in response and turned to leave, but not before stopping to look back at Florence. “Hey, I’ve seen you before. You were in that one commercial, right?”

She smiled as you tried to contain your chuckle from behind the counter. “Yeah, something like that. Thanks for noticing,” she replied, holding her own laughter in.

Once he was gone, both you and Florence giggled to each other. Your boss was terrible with celebrities. Just couldn’t keep up with the times.

As you finished the latte, adding the finishing touches to the art you were making on top, you could feel Florence watching you.

“So you had cleaned the machine, you little liar,” she teased, watching as your cheeks reddened for the second time that night. “You didn’t have to do this, love.”

You looked up to look at her, only to see her staring intently at you. Butterflies swarmed in your stomach, her hazel eyes piercing into your’s.

“I never reject the opportunity to make a coffee for a pretty girl,” you said, carefully lifting the cup to the counter and sliding it over to Florence. She smirked at you before looking at the spider you had drawn on top of the latte with foam.

“Let me guess, a black widow?”

You nodded frantically, excited at how her eyes lit up when she guessed it right.

She took a sip, careful not to burn herself as you walked over to join her at the bar. Her mouth immediately turned up into a smile, eyes wide as she set down the cup and did a little happy dance. “Y/N, this is so good! Thank you so much.”

She reached out with extended arms for a warm embrace, lingering for a few extra seconds. “You’re welcome, I’m really glad you like it.”

The ring of the doorbell startled the two of you, both of you turning to see a man in a business suit walking in.

“Sir, we’re closed,” you walked toward him to shoo him out, his attempted protests drowned out by the sound of his phone ringing. Florence stifled a laugh at the frustration in his voice when he answered the call as the door closed behind him.

“Man, you make one girl a drink after closing and now everyone thinks they’re special,” you joked as you looked back at Flo, noticing her watching you with a joyful grin on her face.

“I should probably get going, just in case anyone else tries to come in,” she teased back, swinging her purse onto her shoulder and making her way over to you.

“I only make late night coffees for you, Florence Pugh.” She scrunched her nose as she giggled at your joke, her beautiful laugh filling the otherwise silent building.

“Ah, cheeky girl,” she said, slapping your arm with an eye roll and a smile. “Seriously, thank you again, Y/N. It was lovely meeting you, I hope I run into you again the next time I’m here.”

You smiled at her words, gulping back the fear that was caught in your throat. “You will, I’ll make sure of that,” you replied as you opened the door, stepping aside for her to walk through. She reached out for what you assumed was another hug, only to be met with a kiss on the cheek. You were sure she could feel the heat on them, feeling embarrassed that this girl had this much of an affect on you.

“Well, I really look forward to it. Have a good night,” she said as she stepped out of the shop and made her way down the street, looking back at you with a smile and a wink before disappearing around the corner.

A permanent grin rested on your face as you touched the place she kissed your cheek, completely forgetting all about the work you still had to do.

Everyone thinks having Antisocial Personality Disorder or high traits of it means someone is out there constantly committing crimes, abusing someone, plotting some form of evil, and having sex indiscriminately. In reality, one of the reasons that I’m diagnosed is because it’s 16:22 O’clock. My shift starts at 18:00. It takes me 15-20 min to arrive at work once I get into the car that needs air in the tires(5-10min). Before I leave, I need to check on my snake, shower(45min-1hr)shave/basic hygiene after neglecting that for 2 days, sort through my clothes and figure out an outfit that’s appropriate for my work’s trivia night vibes and gives off a good enough impression, dry and style my hair, grab an assortment of items I always take with me, listen to my mother scream at me for idk how many times now over how I’m late for work and she’s not going to take me anymore if I continue this because I’ll be fired and it takes up her time— very inconsiderate of me, etc. I know that I’m always late for work, and at this point it’s weird to text my boss a heads up about it since it’s so consistent. I know that it’s inconsiderate to my mother’s time, too. I don’t necessarily want to be late or upset them. But right now, like usual for this time, I’m in bed. I just put my laundry in to dry since it was next to the fridge that I needed to refill my vodka soda that I’ve been drinking for a bit now. I can’t remember which pills I took or when. I’m in pajamas. My hair is greasy. I’m unshaven. I’ve been smoking enough weed to be stupid. I know that my music is loud enough to annoy my mother in the other room. That may sound relatable to a lot of people, especially to people who have things like ADHD or Depression. But the difference is that the reason I’m this way is because I can’t care enough about anything unless the consequences(which I often don’t think of or feel like I can avoid from affecting me or manipulate to be less severe) of doing what I want instead of being responsible will seriously irk me, and I don’t feel remorse over or think about how what I choose to prioritize in my actions may be inconsiderate, make me look bad, or hurt feelings. Me lying here, drinking vodka and high while listening to music alone in a dimly lit room with my fan on and window open is what I want to prioritize because it feels good. And that’s all I can get myself to care about. I don’t care that I could lose my job for showing up late and crossfaded if it means that I get more time to feel good. I feel like I can handle whatever consequences someone throws at me because I don’t care enough about anything. And that may sound easy to you, but it isn’t something to be jealous over or think makes my life good. Being this way is the reason my cycle of trauma and unfortunate circumstances continue and repeat, never ending. If your behavior shows that you’re uncaring enough times, life gets violent. I’m not immune to consequences— but I’m stuck in a cycle of allowing it to be my norm.

talk shop tuesday!!! so...so about that firefighter show... 😏😏😏 what are the dynamics you're interested in exploring and what do you feel is drawing you towards the show as a whole? or just ramble about anything you like, open floor for 9-1-1 chatting hehe

I cannot believe this silly little wee woo unserious gay fire fighter show finally got me.

In no particular order:

I’m irrationally upset that it’s only now being called the gay firefighter show when it’s??? Apparently??? Been CANONICALLY gay since day one? Idk why I’m surprised every fandom continues to be racist as shit because Black lesbians apparently don’t count!!!!

Speaking of: I love Hen. Hen is the character of all time. She is the main to ME, right along with Athena and then Chim. They’re so interesting and fun and complicated and what do you MEAN people demonize them all the time are you kidding!!!

I binge watched the show in a weekend and am all caught up and I’m sorry to say, I simply do not see the vision between the main guys that everyone lost their shit for. I don’t! The chemistry isn’t chemistrying for me!

It probably doesn’t help that I personally think both Buck and Maddie are as annoying as fuck and that both the plot and the characters act as if the world revolves around them sorry I simply do not give a fuck

Athena,,, my love,,, thee most woman. The wigs they put her in are a hate crime but perhaps that’s the only way our televisions could withstand the power of weekly Angela Bassett.

The found fambly of it all got to me I can’t lie. And ACTUAL found family. Not just glorified coworkers people like to pretend are family. Despite the writing being lackluster in terms of Consequences to almost anything, the BOND is there and i see the vision for the Fambly.

I wrote Bobby/Athena because for the first time in my entire time in fandom, I wanted to take them OUT of situations. Let Athena have a honeymoon! She deserves it. Bobby is There too I guess.

Currently writing Chim & Hen in a canon divergence where Maddie doesn’t actually say yes to the proposal. I do not like her character at all but I refuse to belittle her in the same way I’ve seen fandom do to Chim AND Hen in all of 2 days I’ve been here. Not on my watch! She’s gonna have NUANCE even if I personally think Chim deserves better and a happy ending that doesn’t revolve around the whims of someone who needs therapy more than a wedding.

In that same fic I must say I must say!!!! Tommy? Compels me. Idk what it is about him. Buck? He’s there. He’s… a bit of an ass. I know this is an unpopular opinion. I don’t care for him. But I like Tommy and Tommy’s effect on Buck. It makes no damn sense, but it compels me dot jpeg.

Eddie,,,,, I’m so sorry what they’ve done to you.

I hate this dumbass show can’t believe I watched it new episode next week!

Anonymous asked:  Idk, why. But every time I rp as a guy I sometimes feel uncomfortable or just bored. Especially when it comes to canon characters, I feel like I'm just satisfying my parthers otp/ships with their oc's. And when I try to bring in my others oc's, they're ignored. This happens almost every time with any other person. Do you have any advice?

Usually there’s a reason for stuff like this, so lemme jump to the biggest most extreme conclusion and get that outta the way. If you’re uncomfortable exclusively by the act of playing a gender, or thinking like a gender, and acting like a gender, and feel like you’re just playing a role with no connection to specifically a gender and nothing else... Maybe you don’t want to play/be/act as that gender? I mean, it could be anything setting you off, but this is important to point out, especially with your wording, subconscious though it may be. You don’t have to RP as a guy. It’s okay. Be anything you want, that’s what RP is for. To have fun, and be comfortable, and do what feels good to you. There’s no shame in just saying no to RPing anything. Settings, characters, genders, themes, tropes, even just roleplaying if you’re not in the mood! Roleplay is, again, for fun, and you should probably communicate that you’re no longer having it. That you want to explore other options. I mean this could be as simple as you don’t have chemistry with those partners, to as complex as realizing you may not have a real connection to a specific gender... even IRL. 

Like, I’m not gonna lie, I have seen a large number of people who have realized they identify as something else because they’ve played other genders, tried out the ol’ mental space with RP, and found something that fit them better. Might not be applicable to you, that’s fine. This is a deeply personal decision though, I’m just pointing it out as an aside because some people need that little push to go ‘oh’ and this answer is going to be an open letter to everyone who is in this situation as usual. So hey, it doesn’t have to be too serious, and if questioning your labels isn’t your speed, no issue. Just thought it was wise to point it out, rather than ignore it and pretend it didn’t set off a tiny alarm in my head saying ‘hang on a sec’. So yes, with that out of the way— Of course that’s not the only reason things might feel ‘off’! Like I mention above, there’s plenty of other things, so now that we have a quick ‘I’d be a jerk if I didn’t say this does happen’ out of the way, let’s explore things like chemistry, and why your characters don’t resonate with you personally, but end up seeming to be more for your partner in crime over there. AKA: Playing for other people, and why it doesn’t really work out.

So when you RP a character and they don’t sync with you personally? That’s a big thing buddy! That’s a sign you’re not playing what you love or vibe with. That doesn’t seem like something you should get upset about, we all do stuff that we feel pretty neutral or vaguely bored by for friends and family, but it really really can be draining over time. Playing something deeply out of your personal experience is a fun challenge, but I would never say do that for a long term if you’re not getting comfortable as you do it. You can burn yourself out, by pushing too hard and making so much work for yourself you lose the thread of fun supposedly throughout all RP.

Me? I have trouble with happy, perky characters. I can do it, and I do it well judging by the reaction of people around me, but it just doesn’t feel right. It feels like someone is very slowly spreading me thinner and thinner trying to react against my natural instincts. I know it’s actually another problem that some people feel like they play too many similar characters, but that’s a natural inclination to play something that suits you, so you can give your full attention to the details surrounding that character instead of questioning everything you do. 

Being able to act on auto pilot helps a ton when you want to focus on the important parts, like the plot instead of figuring out how this character would feel if it’s not what you kneejerk understand. Second guessing is hard! As anyone who deals with second guessing everything they do all day: it leads to exhaustion because it’s an extra hidden layer of emotional labor.

So! Why are dudes uncomfortable for you? We’ve got an obvious problem here that an external force (your RP buddies over there) may have trained you to believe that you only have one purpose. That male characters are romance fodder, and have to fall in love with an OC. That your OC’s aren’t important. That’s gonna be a whoooole different problem right there. This is a problem with your RP partner, who is using you to fulfill their happiness. There’s a huge problem with the power dynamic in this OOC relationship, just going by this little snippet.

Your partner should never make you feel like you’re only roleplaying for their sake.  

I’m leaving that line all alone so you can really look at it, and reread it. I’m going to say it again in fact: Your partner should never make you feel like you’re only roleplaying for their sake. There’s various reasons why that’s icky, but I’ll just touch on what stands out to me most. One of those things is that this makes roleplaying a job. 

Instead of letting yourself explore the mind of a character you enjoy, you’ve come to expect that you will follow a certain order of things, and that your job is to fill the emotional labor required of your partner to keep them happy. They respond to you requesting similar emotional labor (which in a healthy relationship should be give-and-take) by ignoring you. This is painful for you, maybe not like getting pinched, but feeling like what you’ve made isn’t good enough? That you’re not good enough by extension because our RP kids are totally extensions of ourselves? That’s unfair. Unfair to you.

However! Even if something seems to be a pattern, like not playing dudes, it’s always good to test run characters from all walks of life. Any character couldn’t be the exception to or that your mood could change. That means, don’t feel guilty if you’ve said “this label doesn’t feel right” for a while, and then you have an exception. It just means it’s an exception, you’re fine. You’re not breaking your own rules, you’re learning more about what works with you.

Finding yourself at a loss with OC’s or characters you enjoy may point to your environment being one that’s hostile to new things. They don’t understand an OC, there’s no blueprint giving them an idea of what to expect. OC’s are also one of the easiest ways for players to get into the game, which means newbies who lack social graces tend to gravitate towards them because ‘there’s no rules to break’ in how they portray them. Unfortunately since they don’t know how to approach others in socially appropriate ways, this gives OC’s a reputation for being awful to play with. They break etiquette, they push too hard, they don’t get why someone may be backing away. This isn’t the OC’s fault, it’s the player, but it’s seen more in OC’s because of ease-of-entry. So... they gain a reputation.

That means approaching on an OC is definitely going to come with people looking for standard red flags, and they’ll need to see you in action long enough to get comfortable with you! You have to be stellar in everything to get attention, and you have to have a hook. Your character has to be stand-out, interesting, and fun. Something people get grabbed by the summary of, so they can emotionally attach to it the same way they did major series, which give a character time to come out of their shell, and audiences time to connect to them. That’s why canons are popular: They bought the time it took to get under people’s skin by having a plot to follow. Without that, OC’s are like hearing about a character from another fandom you’re not interested in.

There’s also, unfortunately, an online beef against the ladies in plot. I’m not gonna sugar coat it, people have gotten it into their heads that girls being roleplayed tend to be shallow, vapid characters designed just for romance. So it can be hard to egt people interested because of stereotypes. The worst part is, I see this stereotype most often from male writers playing women, who have no idea hoiw to treat them as a person, and have instead made them a cardboard cut out designed to reach their goals. This is even worse on adult websites where smut is an option, ladies get the short stick SO often because of years where female characters have been treated as a plot device. 

This goes way back to the idea of a sexy lamp: If your female character can be replaced with a sexy lamp, they aren’t expanded enough on. They aren’t a person. Some of the strongest female characters have been, say, Ripley from Alien. Why? She was a male character in the script, they just didn’t change anything but her gender and rolled with it. Which, duh, worked because women is people. A wild concept for some reason. Can you tell this is something that gets my goat, because baaaa, motherfucker, baaaa.

That means you end up working against a lot of shit to just try and play around and have fun. It can be exhausting, and more than once I’ve seen people give up. Don’t, though. People need to hear your voice. If you’re in a position where things are hard, remember. Trying the same things over and over expecting it to change is just silly. You need to change parts of your approach, whether it be the environment, the people, or simply how you word things. Push back on what’s making you feel bad, and put down boundaries. “If I do this, I would appreciate if you gave back with this.” Ask for space, you deserve space to explore what makes you happy. Say no more often to things you’re not comfortable with. You don’t have any obligation to fit a mold for another person.

Find your comfort zone, and defend it. If that means moving onto a new group of people, or just doing something extraordinary with what you have, or finding a new way to approach stuff, then maybe that’s what you need to do! Spread your wings, and find what makes you happy. Don’t look for advice on how to tamp yourself down into what you feel like you should be doing, if it’s not right for you. Good luck, and Happy RPing!

watched it’s not my fault again and was compelled to ramble because i am muu’s number one defender. and then i decided that youtube wasn’t enough, and i had to put my ramblings on tumblr, so here they are. if i said anything stupid please don’t make fun of me i am stupid

i’m gonna say it, i’m a muu defender and i think voting her guilty this time was one of the worst decisions we’ve made when it comes to verdicts. yeah, we fucked up a lot in the first trial, but because of the way everything was interlocked it all feels salvageable, and like we actually made the right choices in a couple of places, but i am convinced that voting muu guilty is gonna be awful for us for multiple reasons.

number one, haruka. this boy literally said he’d kill himself if muu got guilty, and though i don’t think he’ll actually kill himself (though i won’t put it past him) i do think it’ll make him super emotionally unstable and someone else may get hurt because of it. also, giving both of them a guilty verdict 100% is just gonna make their codependency get way worse. haruka needed to be voted guilty for obvious reasons (he literally said that he would kill again, or something along those lines) which kinda means that our only other choice would be voting muu innocent, which i stand by we should have done

bringing me onto reason two, i don’t think a guilty verdict will do anything for muu. yes, she is morally grey, and after pain was 100% nor the full story. but, and i am stealing this point from someone else that i cannot remember, is she truly believes herself to be so good, then why does she perceive herself as some sort of insect monster? herself, and everyone around her, aside from the girl she killed (rei? i think her name is rei?) muu speaks to the trope of someone who did something bad, and deep down knows it’s bad, so they just have to commit to it until they stop feeling guilty, because that’s the only way they know how to deal with it. yes, after pain isn’t as cut and dry as it initially appeared, but this isn’t either! like, the vocals when she kills rei(?), she sounds unstable, distraught even, as if she was actually screaming. she doesn’t sound like someone who believes herself to be in the right, she sounds like someone desperately repeating what she thought she believed. and then it goes straight into her questioning ‘hey, what if i’m a bad girl?’ etc. etc. and first off, as someone who doesn’t speak jp i don’t know if this is just the translation, but the wording of it feels very childish, because, news flash, mu is childish. she isn’t some master manipulator, she is someone naive, who’s cultivated toxic relationships her entire life because yeah, she’s spoiled. being spoiled isn’t a crime, and being flawed isn’t unforgivable. yeah, the bullying is really bad, but that doesn’t mean she deserves to be bullied, and notice how pretty much the only thing that is the same in this video as after pain is her desperation when she actually commits the murder? even if we ignore everything in after pain and take everything in this as face value, that desperation is still there. she was still pushed to the brink. muu wants to be innocent, and she wants to be right, because of course she does. she’s a 16 year old who was bullied and killed someone. she was spoiled and doesn’t have any amount of self awareness, and because of it did bad things, but muu is not an evil villain who is solely responsible for all of these bad things. just because she was the ring leader doesn’t mean she has to bear the weight of the bullying that was done, because when she was being bullied, her ‘friends’ were still doing the bullying, aka she was in a really toxic environment. idk i’m kinda just rambling but i have so many thoughts, and this is also something i saw someone else say on tumblr, but i firmly believe that if we continued to vote muu innocent she would eventually break under the pressure of knowing that she wasn’t

i am rewatching shadow & bone bc, once again, i am a parody of myself, and i really am so fond of Mal in the show, i am deeply nervous about how he’ll be written in s2 lol. not as nervous about almost everyone else - i say ALMOST bc i was not impressed with the way Jesper & Nina weren’t shown to be bisexual, like, at all, & while i think it was just clumsy writing & not malice (the same as the clumsy way they wrote Alina’s race), that doesn’t mean it’ll get better lol. also pls understand i spend half my time shitting on the darklng, ben barnes does an excellent job reminding me why i hate that bitch okayyyy

Mal already knows that Alina’s tent with the other cartographers was moved, and knows where it moved. We first see him fighting but seems like he got there, immediately attempted to find Alina, figured out she had been moved and was wandering around, then said fuck it she’ll find me or i’ll find out she got thrown in lock up again, and decided to go beat someone up so he could show off his kruge in front of her lmao

Alina is interested in the grisha. she’s smiling and curious, clearly thinks Zoya looks cool af (she’s right, Zoya is cool af). Mal spends the entire time frowning at them lol. Could be bc a grisha just crashed his party, could be mal’s general dislike of grisha and the upper class. it’s very funny either way that he just Refuses to smile until Alina distracts him

Alina experiencing A Racism but still thinking quick enough so her team can eat makes me emo but also Mal immediately being like “time to commit some crimes” every single time someone is racist to Alina is so great, get u a real man like Mal

Racism is done very messily in the show and i’m hoping it improves bc like - Zoya is insulated from most racism due to her status, but we still get that comment about “YOU from Novokribirsk?” comment from another Grisha, which seemed like a pretty obvious slight at her being Suli. Alina experiences racism everywhere she goes from nearly everyone she meets - random cooks, cartographers, servants, Zoya, and the Darkling himself. Even Genya sort of brushes off the comment about her eyes as like, typical bullying and not something very different & much more insidious. Mal looks uncomfortable at the anti Shu Han propaganda & I think that’s it? Which feels weird bc he doesn’t have the class protection Zoya has, but maybe he doesn’t *look Suli* culturally the way Zoya and Inej clearly do. Or are Mal AND Alina both supposed to be Shu Han? We know from Inej and Nina (and maybe Zoya, idk, i never read king of scars bc i would have to acknowledge Matthias & David’s deaths and I refuse) that the Suli are still mistreated on a legal level in addition to social, but are maybe treated marginally better than the Shu that live in Ravka, bc Ravka is in an active war against Shu Han. Is that the difference in what Mal experienced vs what Alina does? lol or i’m overthinking something that clearly wasn’t thought out very well before they put it in the show. I just like. Do Not think Mal is meant to be a white Ravkan, firstly bc Archie isn’t a white brit, and secondly because - look at him aksjdjd that is not a man that can really pass for white. I hope they handle Alina’s background better, especially since she’ll be interacting with other Shu characters, in s2 but i also want an explanation for Mal’s background!!!

I do think it’s funny that the sickness grisha get if they don’t use their powers is very informed in the show. Mal makes a few comments about Alina being sick all the time but she doesn’t actually look or act sick at any point in the show aksksk

Mal is so strong, like the dude is fuckin ripped, a fucking volcra tries to rip Alina away and he’s just like “yeah i can take this bitch with one hand” aksjsj

I feel bad for that lil blond boy that clearly has a thing for Alina lmao he really tries to stick up for her and she does not even notice a little bit and then he dies bc West Ravka is like “anyways don’t get captured even tho we’re at war with half the world and you have no resources, crew, or family over here” ya, they’re way better than Old Ravka smh (Zlatan is just as big of a bitch as the king and darklng dammit)

Interesting that Zoya only gets shitty with Alina after both the Darklng & Mal clearly choose her over Zoya. Mal she probably doesn’t gaf about, but it definitely stung her pride that she can’t even pull an orphan from Keramzin but Alina can. Before that tho, even if she’s thrown by Alina, she clearly sees Alina as One Of Us. She even looks visibly annoyed when everyone starts laughing at Alina and her “i’m a mapmaker” response & seems to pick up on the implied racism of the “what are you” question. It’s an annoying response that after being rejected, Zoya uses that racism against Alina to put her in her place but like…I guess it’s not wildly ooc? bleh.

Ivan and Fedyor purposefully ignoring the Shu Of It All when talking about power and privilege is 100% why Alina takes so long to trust the grisha, and so easily turns against the Darklng imo. For all they understand the danger of being Grisha, for all Ivan wants to lecture Alina about her privilege at dinner, none of them even bother to understand what it’s like now, right now, for the poor of Ravka. You serve in the army & let the Darklng indoctrinate you with his nonsense, or you flee like the mother in the first episode does, taking your chances with the slavers & the volcra & the Fjerdans. There are no good choices for the grisha, no good choices for the non grisha peasantry, and Alina’s entire existence, from the never ending racism she experiences, to the death and starvation she’s surrounded by, is a constant reminder how few choices that exist no matter if you’re grisha or not.

So like, most of the bad guys have Weird Foreign Accents and I dislike it. All the Ravkans should have Russian accents but it’s only Fedyor & a few mean servants that do. The Fjerdans all have accents. Pekka has an accent. Everyone else is just a brit, including people in Kerch, even tho they don’t even speak the same language as the Ravkans do, they speak Kerch! Why does Kaz not have some country bumpkin accent dammit

“When our closest friend is in trouble, we do foolish things.” Smash cut to Kaz doing the Dumbest shit in an attempt to protect Inej from Heleen l m a o it’s not one whipped bitch in this show it’s two (it’s three actually, Matthias just hasn’t shown up yet lmao)

When Mal & Alina are both envisioning each other & reach out to hold the others’ hand, hundreds of miles away but desperate for comfort, THAT was the moment i fell for them. Archie & Jessie are just so Powerful okay aksjdjd

feels more obvious in retrospect that he’s not trying to train her to do anything but answer to him. he doesn’t even bother preparing her for the king bc he knows he can amplify her powers, so long as she’s not fighting him.

I do not buy Baghra’s insistence that Alina’s feelings for Mal hold her back. She’s able to summon her powers when she’s angry, and Baghra takes that short cut by continuously pissing Alina off. But Alina also uses her powers whenever she thinks of protecting Mal; she protects him on the skiff & when she remembers trying to run away with him for protection, she can summon a bit of her power. It’s Alina’s compassion that gives her abilities, but Baghra has spent so much time nurturing her own bitterness, watching her son nurture his anger, it just never occurs to her that Alina’s strength comes from her desire to protect the people she loves. Alina goes from wanting solely to protect Mal to channeling her power through her anger and rejection & Baghra treats it like a win but it’s just another shortcut that clearly makes her more susceptible to the Darklng whispering in her ear, not less, and if Baghra had any goddamn sense, she would have seen that she was making her son’s job easier. But like, the darklng didn’t just come out of nowhere lmao, and you can clearly see where he gets his defeatist, manipulative, and bleak ass outlook on life from.

As a certified Matthias stan still refusing to acknowledge the end of crooked kingdom, i think it is genuinely so funny that Mal gets chest wound after gut wound after chest wound in s1 and shrugs it off, but Matthias gets shot one (1) time and dies immediately & cannot be saved by the most powerful heartrender that ever lived. leigh PLS

“you are my true north and i can see my way to you now” IM JUST.

Genya has to hurt Alina’s feelings by lying about Mal, then immediately and smoothly changes the subject to something that will make Alina laugh. She knows she has to betray Alina and she tries her hardest to soften the blow, encourages Alina to return to the blue kefta instead of going too hard towards the Darkling so she has the protection of a color and a people, warns her as best as she can to be wary of the Darklng, even while she’s helping isolate Alina from anyone who could help her escape. i’m so depressed about Genya.

Enter David and Genya loses her damn mind ansjsjdjdjd Alina is doing miracle sun summoning and Genya just watches David the whole time, who probably cannot fucking believe his luck that his weird ass boss for ONCE is letting him hang out with the meanest, coolest, smartest person in the palace instead of Ivan & Fedyor, who spend all their time flirting with each other and bullying him

Fjerda is lichrally trying to commit genocide against the grisha & Shu Han does…some jacked up shit to their grisha lol, and i did a whole post about how the Darklng is just more of the same, but so is Baghra. All their talk of looking out for Grisha, but they both treat the peasantry of Ravka as disposable. Nikolai is theeeee only valid ruler specifically bc he does think of the cost to the peasantry & to the grisha before he makes decisions (something his father and his brother also don’t do lol). And both Baghra & Aleksander allow this “us vs them” bs to permeate through their own people - no grisha healers help the first army, and Ivan reads the dead but glosses over the Otkazat'sya deaths to focus on the grisha. but this is on purpose - if you make the grisha other the Otkazat'sya, you can easily turn them against one another. neither baghra nor aleksander ever work towards like, actual freedom for the grisha by building bridges and relationships between the grisha and the Otkazat'sya, they just turn the grisha into weird, insular child soldiers.

Alina realizing she can just swing on the racists now love that for her

Mal tends to deal with his feelings for Alina bubbling to the surface by purposefully breaking the tension; closing his eyes & going to sleep when they’re thrown in the brig, cracking a joke about going to Ketterdam when he steals her food. But their convo in the woods after they’re reunited is the first time he doesn’t try it - you can almost see he wants to, when she says she cheated on the grisha test bc she didn’t want to leave him, his whole brain short circuits at what it could mean, and it’s a moment where he might have purposefully broken the tension but instead he takes a minute to think before he tries to open up abiut his own feelings - only to get derailed & heartbroken by the realization that the stag drawing wasn’t Alina trying to communicate with him, but Aleksander manipulating & isolating her. But he still doesn’t break the tension - he lets Alina hold him, and he holds her in return, & stops running from his feelings for real this time.

I do find it so funny how Aleksander sees David raising his hand to speak, initially starts to tell him to knock it off, and then realizes David will not understand why Ivan and him find it annoying & just decides to choose his battles aksjjdjd.

Also, him going through the five stages of grief when he realizes Mal & Alina are together, and overdramtigcally monologuing about the orphans of Keramzin being reunited to this random dude who has no idea wtf he’s talking about. Perfect, no notes.

Episode 7 is just very well written. All the conversations are tense, all the action is painful, all the acting is amazing. From David half in tears as he helps enslave Alina, all the anger going out of Alina when she realizes the king was raping Genya, Genya’s guilt & shame over her own hand in betraying Alina stopping her from talking even though she’s usually so composed, Mal’s helpless snarl when he says Aleksander will wish he’d killed him, even Aleksander’s inability to look Alina in the eyes because he knows she’s right to hate him it’s just that he thinks she’s a justifiable sacrifice. Meanwhile the Crows are being the most chaotic idiots ALIVE akskdkdk just perfect, excellent writing.

What i think is interesting is that Alina makes the hypocrisy argument to Genya, and it works. Genya appeals to Alina’s compassion when she admits the king has been raping her, but Alina pieces together that Aleksander placed her in front of the king to begin with. Not a soldier, just a pawn. And Genya is so struck by this argument she has no counter; she just leaves in tears. Alina tries this with Aleksander as well, to get him to see the hypocrisy in his actions - of killing the king because the king is a monster, yet using the fold as a weapon. It has the complete opposite effect because whereas Genya is aware on some level that she’s being used, Aleksander is so far removed from his own experiences as a pawn, as a target, he can’t see her point.

“all countries will answer to us. for who would oppose us now?”

means Something to me that Immediately after that nasty comment from that heartrender, Zoya sees another Suli girl (who, if we remember, someone she is friends with just called Suli trash before getting got by said Suli girl) who is about to be killed, witnesses the destruction of her home and what she will find is the death of the only person who ever loved her as a child, and makes the decision to betray the only stability she’s ever known for the glimmer of hope that Alina can offer her.

It’s also exactly what I mean when I say I hope we get an explanation for Mal’s background. In Inej’s chapters we get the sense that the Suli are a people that draw close together, even outside Ravka. Her curse on Bajan clearly hits him hard; even clearly trying to assimilate into Kerch culture, the thought that his Suli ancestors may forsake him for harming a fellow Suli really gets under his skin. So in the show, what I love is we get a small exploration of this bond that exists between all Suli as outsiders in their home countries - Zoya and Inej instinctively working together, Recognizing that bond in each other, with Inej even attempting to stop Zoya from going back to the ruins of the city, of wanting Zoya to stay with them. And Zoya, despite her pained history with her own people, despite her comments about Alina being [redacted], clearly returns those feelings. She’s so much warmer with Inej, and vice verse, then say, Jesper is with Mal (he’s not cold to Mal, he’s just Typical Jesper). The thing is - maybe you could argue Zoya and Mal kind of take a small interest in each other because they recognize the other is Suli, but Inej and Mal don’t really have that connection in the time they know each other, and Zoya and Mal are much more cordial with each other than Zoya and Inej are. OBVIOUSLY there are other factors at play. But. Whereas we get a hint of Zoya’s own complicated past, and Inej is defined by her ties to her culture, Mal doesn’t really show any of this beyond one single uncomfortable look at a Shu Han propaganda poster, and that’s likely more to do with Alina than his own background. I JUST THINK ITS WEIRD AND CLUMSY OKAY.

idek what to say about Alina’s amazing speech besides HELL YEAH THATS MY WIFE. she’s so fucking cool.

Ivan’s lil bitch ass being like “know your place” RIGHT AFTER Alina gives her “you asked WHAT I am” speech and then Jesper being like “i think the fuck not” and tossing him overboard. absolutely perfect i love that man.

Zoya looks so uncomfortable during the whole conversation by the fire. For the first time, she’s the outsider - the lone splash of color against the browns and blacks of the crows and malina. But when Zoya says she has to go back, Inej shoots up to stop her, and even Kaz attempts to dissuade her from what he thinks is no better than a suicide run. Since her childhood, Zoya has seemed alone, but just as her aunt stepped in to save her then, and the crows attempt to console her now, Zoya is never as alone as she feels.

And neither is Alina! Knowing where their stories end up going, i think it is interesting that both Zoya and Alina are very adaptable and very adept at making very loyal friends. Despite all the odds against them, with them being Suli and Shu, with Zoya being a huge bitch (which I love) and Alina constantly struggling with her own self worth, other people see just how amazing the two of them are and are willing to fight for them, with them, to be near them. Sankta Alina and the Grisha Queen. Wonderful.

I really hate acotar reddit rn with how they view Feyre as weak, no personality, and too perfect. Just recently, I saw a comment under an obv Feyre anti post that “she’s only kind and brave what now?” Idk maybe being a b*tch doesn’t always equate to being strong. I just hate how acotar reddit perceives Feyre in a very misogynistic way. It’s fine if you can’t relate with her but to say that she’s weak just because she has a different trauma response from yours is not it and is completely insensitive to those who can relate to Feyre. Saying things like “too untouchable” or “too perfect” dismisses the journey she went through in the trilogy and how she recovered from her trauma. For someone that values objectivity and canonicity in the books, acotar reddit sure likes to twist narratives just to lift up their faves.

Hey there <3,

I completely agree. And unfortunately it’s not just Reddit. The same arguments can be seen by antis here too.

Feyre’s whole journey in the original series constantly highlights that Feyre isn’t perfect? I don’t get why they assume that she is? But it’s probably because not being perfect doesn’t mean she’s problematic either. Because she isn’t. Feyre isn’t perfect but she’s not problematic either. That’s why the antis like to twist the narrative and blame Feyre for everything wrong that happened in the series that wasn’t her fault and accuse her of war crimes or blame her for Ne.sta being SA’d. Like huh?!?! (and yes. these are real arguments made by antis in their 20’s/30’s)

Feyre has so much to offer. Ne.sta doesn’t. Feyre’s power and reputation—not as High Lady or Rhys’ mate/wife—but as Feyre, the human girl who saved all the fae, spans the entirety of Prythian and beyond. And a perfect example of this is when Balthazar didn’t want to kill N.esta—not because of Ne.stas powers that were apparently so scary—but because he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Feyre’s wrath. Nesta’s sister. And Vassa crossed a whole continent to find Feyre Cursebreaker for help. Not High Lady Feyre, not Rhys’ mate, but Feyre Cursebreaker!!!!!

People respect and love her. People care about her and would do anything for her. People are intimidated by what she did throughout the series but still respect her. The same can’t be said about Ne.sta. No one respects her. No one cares about her. The only thing she had to offer was her powers…and now they’re gone. Literally no one gives af about her, except her two friends, her mate, and somehow the sister she abused her whole life.

And these antis love to compare specific characters to Feyre—example: Viviane—to make Feyre look/seem weaker…but all they’re doing is making her look so much better? Viviane and Feyre are friends through Mor—whom they hate. They say that Viviane deserves to be High Lady more than Feyre and even go as far to say that she is the first High Lady, yet still to this day Viviane is only a consort and that’s it. They love to act like N.esta and Viviane would be besties but completely forget that Viviane doesn’t interact with N.esta and couldn’t gaf about her. Feyre is her own person with her own powerful reputation that everyone knows—before she even became fae—, and they respect her and are grateful for her. Nes.ta is just Feyre’s horrible older sister that stole powers from the cauldron and throws temper tantrums at 25 years old.

N.esta is just a nobody sister with a reputation for being snobby and rude, while Feyre is genuinely someone to be respect and be cautious about at the same time. Ne.sta is all bark and no bit while Feyre is genuinely someone to be cautious of. She’s more sly and quiet when it comes to her threats. She may seem kind but cross her and you’re literally dead. That’s why the antis thinks she’s weak. Because Feyre is actually the one that “doesn’t need to resort to threats”. While threats is all N.esta has going for her. That’s it.

But they clearly do all this this to uplift their fave because she is both problematic and not perfect. She is the definition of a horrible character with no empathy or remorse for anyone but herself. Feyre is selfless but N.esta is probably the most selfish person in the series. Nes.ya never had to make any sacrifices, while every other character did. And that’s because she’s spoilt rotten. The antis know this. And no matter how hard they try to argue about it or justify her actions, no amount of justifications can erase what’s canon. They also know this too. This is why they completely attack Feyre. Because they’re relating a little too hard to N.esta and her treatment of others especially Feyre. So that’s why they feel the constant need to make N.esta look like a hero, while victim blaming Feyre and trying to turn her into a villain. Because they feel a little too guilty and don’t want to confront that part of themselves so instead they attack Feyre and those who relate to her while enabling N.esta and her fans abusive behaviour. Because they know they’re wrong and can’t stand it.

And it’s also because N.estas/Ne.ssians story was such a flop that they are going feral with the rage and disappointment and feel the need to take it out in the Feyre fandom because Sarah literally loves Feyre so much. They thought Ne.sta would be a “queen of queens” but she wasn’t. She’s just a useless side character again by the end. The purpose of n.estas story and powers was literally just to continue Feysand’s story and set up this crossover, that Rhys seems to be the main highlight of because of his links to Bryce and Ruhn.. That’s it. Her story and powers are completely irrelevant while Feyre, Rhys and their story was so important for the series and this crossover.

So…No matter how many headcanons, fanfics or otherworldly arguments you make, it doesn’t erase what’s in canon. And in canon, N.esta was never a good person, but Feyre always was, even when she wasn’t perfect!!!! And if there is ever a weak character, it’s Nes.ta. Not Feyre.

hi hello im here cause i wanna ask questions i love asking questions SO:

1. i haven’t listened to your vampire audios yet (a crime that i’m working on resolving) so this may be answered in there BUT- how are they “turned”? (are they turned? again idk) and like how often do they have to feed/is there any consequences to not feeding? can your vamps die from not feeding?

2. similar strain of thought, how do werewolves work. like. i wanna know everything. like do pack dynamics differ? how does one become a werewolf (are they turned, is it a gene they’re born with, etc)? how does shifting look like in your universe? does one need to have a pack?

3. i do know that there is a magical government like thing but like how involved are they? do they interact with non magical government at all? do they make laws that only vivified have to follow?

4. speaking of vivified, how would they describe magic to someone who isn’t magical/is new to magic? this can be specific characters of you want, and your choice of such, or a general consensus that you’d think everyone tries to explain

that’s all actually but feel free to pick and choose what you want to answer!! it’s a lot of information to try to explain (probably) but :D yeah

Beating you up for these /j /pos (Thank you for the questions in advance)

1: Turning is something that is centered around vampiric blood and where it ends up rather than connected to bites necessarily. When vampire blood spills into a bleeding/open wound, it will forcibly shut down the human's body within a minute or so, give or take. However, if turning is desired, the injured individual has to ingest at least 1.5 oz of vampire blood. (Note: That's roughly the capacity of a shot glass) Once this takes place, consciousness is lost as the heart stops. The newly turned vampire will eventually wake up with fangs and a very weakened heartbeat.

How often a vampire needs to feed depends on how much blood they intake as well as how much additional magic they exert.

Yes, there are consequences from not feeding, and vampires are capable of dying as a result. There's a progression of symptoms the longer a vampire goes without blood. One of the more common ones is anything ingested besides blood (ex: regular food) will become unappetizing— Sometimes to the point of physical rejection from one's body. When a vampire is on the cusp of dying as a result of lack of blood, a phenomenon called Blanking occurs. It's a state of being where waking consciousness is lost, and a vampire is driven by their primal instincts. If a Blank vampire is unable to feed within 48 hours, death ensues. (I think about Blanking a normal amount /lying /pos)

2: Werewolves (and other animal shifters) are born that way! There is no turning process, and it is not a classification that can be gained later in life/after birth. Joining a pack is not a requirement for shifters, and many will forego it for one reason or another. Pack dynamics tend to vary from one pack to another. However, there are many packs that adopt a "traditional" mindset. Traditional packs will focus their energy and resources on fellow shifters alone, and they often have a rigid image on what the alpha should look and behave like.

There are actually two stages of shifting. You can think of them as a first and second step in the sense that they're only possible in a specific order. The "first" stage of shifting is still humanoid but results in fangs getting sharpers/longer, claws forming, eyes changing, and a general increase in size. Many shifters will often use this stage as a means to intimidate or scare someone off, shifting back to normal after the fact. The "second" stage is a full-body shift into a wolf/the animal in question. The transition between the first stage and second is almost instant. It is possible for shifting to be triggered when under immense emotional and/or physical stress. Otherwise, shifting is an active choice. (Bonus Note: If a shifter wants to remain clothed after shifting back to normal, they either have to have shifter specific clothing imbued with magic or phase their clothes as part of the initial shift.)

3: FACE (the Foundational Agency of Confidentiality Efforts) deals with various aspects of the vivified world. Everything from stagnant exposure to magic to public correspondence when necessary. There are other magical governments/organizations that handle less generalized matters, but FACE is the biggest/most notable of them. The magical government deals with the stagnant government fairly often. They keep the amount of unveiled stagnant individuals to a minimum, very much so on a need-to-know basis. Laws created by the magical government are meant primarily for vivified humans. I specify humans because with cupids, those lines can get blurred. While they are not made for them to follow per say, there are many laws on how to interact with the stagnant population as well.

4: There's a lot of ways to answer this! If you mean from one person to another, that would depend on individual personality and such. It would also depend on the circumstances in which someone is learning about magic. [For example: Nova's magic anchored after witnessing a traumatic event while still a child. Because of the nature of that situation and what he is, his guardians had to do their best to explain things to him. // In Jessalyn's case, she had a cupid trying to explain magic to her after living her entire life veiled. Because "Peaches" felt like they couldn't sufficiently explain, they took Jess to FACE instead. // In the case of a newly turned vampire, FACE will provide a very brief "overview" before passing the responsibility off to either the vampire's maker or the vampire themself.] There is a department within FACE dedicated to informing newly vivified individuals about magic, but the efficacy of their efforts is debatable.

///

I hope that answers all your questions sufficiently (but also feel free to bug me with follow-ups /lh)

I shouldn't be surprised at the amount of haters for gender fluid jk but like... Yeah, it's a work of fiction, first of all, its not that deep. Some of y'all are chill with a/b/o dynamics but not with playing with gender? 🤨 secondly, it's jungkook. THE jungkook. Are they telling me him possibly using different pronouns is a turn off? 🤨🤨🤨 that's so weird, the man could seriously be into feet and I'd still love him if he let me ((i dont mean to compare queerness with a fetish, it's just the example that popped up first)). i dont get queerphobia in general (bc we're just, ya know, existing??) But yeah, if you're not into something, scroll on? Mind your business?? Nobody is getting hurt here.

And their idea that you portraying him as queer is "dehumanising" is especially telling of their morals and I don't care for it at all.

Idk, you're doing amazing sweetie, we don't listen to the phobes, good job

i told my best friend when i started writing gender fluid jk that i just know someone’s gonna come in my inbox and be an absolute bitch about it. no joke, not even an hour after i posted the teaser someone had already said something. not even the full fic, just the teaser??

but that’s what i’m saying!! if you’re gonna get mad about me changing pronouns then why are they okay with jungkook as a hybrid, a/b/o, yandere, shitty mafia guy that murders people, a real mean bitch of a man that’s hella misogynistic. like ??? it’s a story, just like every other fan fic trope that exists that they’ve probably read?

boo hoo i made yoongi a lesbian 🍅 mega boooo because i gave jungkook he/they pronouns 🍅🍅🍅 suck my dick

it’s not that deep. and non binary, lesbian, gender fluid, gay, trans, all the works armys exist 🚶‍♀️be real, let everyone have a little fun sometimes, like i know within the community it’s not always easy to find fics that are completely relatable, and that’s why i love the representation

SERIOUSLY!!! disclaimer before i get weird people in my inbox again, but literally jungkook has never specified his pronouns. and that’s not me saying he should be nonbinary or gender fluid plus, once again since apparently it didn’t stick the first time, it’s a story

fictional jungkook isn’t gonna give you cooties because he’s gender fluid. he’s living his best life with his cutie partner 🚶‍♀️

LMAO i understand what you mean though, literally jungkook can be into whatever, or whoever, he can like what he wants, identity as what he wants and that’s not gonna throw me off, have you seen that guy. i would commit multiple war crimes for him

that’s what i said :( just unfollow me, block me even, i don’t care. it’s not that deep and i’m not gonna miss them at all.

it’s just, i guess upsetting that someone would come onto my page and say something that isn’t true about me when they clearly know nothing?? and then treat me like i’m the ignorant one 🚶‍♀️

i hope they know bts absolutely hates them for being queerphobic. yoongi has our back fr 🙏

yay thank you babes 🫂💕 kicking my legs and giggling or whatever because you’re so sweet. please accept a smooch ‼️ MWAH

Going back an episode and watching Born This Way

Santana is such a bitch but I still love her. Also her first vest and hat combo is fucking iconic! “I gotta gay, I mean go I gotta gay” honey you are so bad at being in closet.

The way Will thinks he has the capacity to handle everyone’s problems…maybe he is the reason teacher’s need a masters in education. This just makes me think of when he said

The big deal about junior prom queen and king, when I remember in high school it basically as determined by who won homecoming. Tho senior year our prom Queen was a heavier girl, who was the sweetest and also one of the best singers! Like she deserved it!

YASSSSS my favorite song! Pretty/Unpretty is so amazing! It was a crime that Quinn and Rachel didn’t have another duet! There were like a billion opportunities! I love this song so much.

Honestly I would recap every episode just to go into missed opportunities, #1 Quinn in her ‘stank’ phase not having a punk song like Cherry Bomb by Runaways, I really believe Dianna could’ve killed it.

All the prom posters are horrible which is actually super realistic.

“The only straight I am is a straight up bitch” ICON!!

The lockers shot with Quinn and Finn was interesting, though we never see anything like that again.

Any chance for Mike Chang to have a spotlight is good with me.

Finn, just break up with Quinn! You are in love with Rachel and she is with you, just pull the bandaid off!!

This whole zero tolerance shit, I get Karofsky is badly with his own gayness, but they just aren’t handling this shit well. It reminds me of Degrassi, thankfully it ended a lot better. Kurt was great for never outing him though. I wish they had handled Karofsky better, like this show dealt with every issue they could find but never handled it well!

Now I want to cry tho with Burt telling Finn “keep an eye on your brother” then Finn saying “I’m one step ahead of you” they really became a family and I love that. It was such a growth and it made me so happy!

Super don’t care about the warblers! Shouldn’t you be at your own school?? It’s a school day and the bell literally just rang! Where did that piano come from?? And the violinists?

I hate the Lucy Caboose stuff! Like her issues couldn’t be more no out of no where, knowing that Sue caused an eating disorder for the Cheerios and idk the whole teen pregnancy stuff!? Dianna did well with it though, why isn’t she in more things? I know she is in a lot of indie movies but give me more! Also her running hallway scene is amazing, it’s always amazing when these ladies go through the hallway, it’s practically a runway!

“Is Barbara here?” “No it’s a mall in Ohio”

Yea Barbara is 1 in a million, and you would’ve been too if you weren’t a fuxking bitch.

Brittany is smart enough to make that ironic shirt but then makes the Lebanese shirt for Santana. Also saying “clearly you don’t love yourself as mch as I love you” isn’t a healthy thing for when someone is in the closet. Not that someone is wrong for not wanting to be in closet for someone else’s sake. It’s a complex thing but again Murphy & the others don’t handle it well. What was the short hand for the show runners? We used to have one

Remember when Dianna wore the Likes Girls shirt at the Glee concert tour for Born this Way and everyone including myself lost their collective shit? And then she was absent for a couple shows after? Which is super suspicious…

joudrey ask meme that dany @jennystahl sent but I accidentally deleted it

What was their first impression of each other?

KJDFJKF I mean technically Audrey has known of him her entire life, heard rumors and horrible stories of the legion’s exploits and seen him on anti-legion propaganda posters for as long as she can remember, so actually meeting him? Surreal and weird (especially since she thought he was dead -_- whatever the caravan guy said was just a ghost story to her). She made her distrust very much known but she’s addicted to helping people for whatever reason so of course she goes along with what he asks of her… very reluctantly. Boo I hate you for your war crimes but I’m still gonna do it whatever

And Josh thought she was annoying asf 🙄 Everyone acting like he’s changed and she’s not having it, which in turn he resents, but trying not to show it but 😒 yk being like I understand why you may distrust me but [acts like she’s still in the wrong somehow]. He also thought she was only helping them out to get that map :/ 

How do their personalities complement each other? How do they clash?

HFHKDF They’re SO different in their personalities, IDK Joshua is so reserved and kinda calm & serious but in  an assertive & kind of commanding way -_- and I dunno he’s someone who’s so marked by violence and death and killing and despite claiming to having left it all behind he really hasn’t, it’s all just for a different cause now, claiming it’s for god uwu but we all know… 🙄 Meanwhile Audrey seems to be the exact opposite, she’s not bubbly but definitely more lively than him, she’s charismatic and easily liked by others and most of all, she’s merciful and detests excessive violence (at least where it isn’t needed). They do clash on this in the beginning, but I do think that they’d eventually find a calming presence in the other. Him learning to let go of the anger and all that through her more peaceful approach to things and her winding down and not feeling the need to run away from something through his more calm-ish demeanor. 

They’re also both people who have strong convictions, which does lead to them clashing a lot(again. in the beginning, later on it doesn’t matter anymore). 

But also idkkk, I do think there’s a profound loneliness that they share, him after leaving his family to commit evil war crimes and coming back as some haunted looking mummy like 30 years later to a bunch of people he probably doesn’t really know anymore… and her also having run away from home (ha. more on that in a bit) and feeling lost and constantly on the move and, yeah she’s liked by most people, but has so few actual people she connects with 😔 YK

What are their parallels, whether in their personalities or their histories?

HEH >:) both, but mostly in history. Most obviously them spending their whole life serving the other’s respective enemy faction, him with C… Ca…Caesar’s Legion 🤢🤢🤢 (I mean he CO-FOUNDED it.. cringe), and her spending her whole life as a good NCR citizen (also interesting because since she’s NCR and also much younger, she knew of him all her life), neither being part of that anymore and sort of being cast out. Though their reasons for leaving were different, he didn’t even leave LOL, just thrown out after a lost battle. I think if that one was successful he’d still be out there, committing heinous war crimes :/ Meanwhile Audrey left on her own). The whole “prodigal son” thing extends to their respective families as well, you know with Joshua going off to commit evil war crimes for no reason, then returning some 30 years later now looking like some mummy and everyone acts like nothing’s happened but you know it’s probably not the same as it was and will never be (and now most of them are dead. RIP random mormons). Audrey on the other hand left her life behind after a family dispute when her sister died at the battle of Hoover Dam and hasn’t contacted them since… the shared experience of that one evil battle that completely changed life for the worse, but also of living with the knowledge of how much grief you caused your loved ones by leaving, but not truly belonging with them anymore either 🙄 this is my headcanon but I do think he had living family at the time he fucked off, in my mind his parents (well, everyone but specifically them) refused to speak of him after. Taboo topic within that family now… I have thoughts on this but this ain’t what it’s about. And Audrey, while not being the family shame, carries so much guilt with her over leaving, when her family should have stayed together to mourn, instead she caused them even more grief cause they lost another daughter :/ So yeah, the profound loneliness over leaving your life behind and having nothing to show for it, he’s some weird boogeyman now, she’s a random mailman who’s constantly on the move and not truly close to anyone. Life sucks. 

ALSO HOW COULD I FORGET.. their respective revenge arcs. We talked about this but the parallel of the whole Salt-upon-wounds thing being primarily a revenge thing and the courier talking him down vs them experiencing the same shit with Benny later, personal revenge and nothing else.

Who initiates kisses? Where is their favorite spot to kiss each other?

HER most of the time, out of the spots where she CAN kiss him, probably cheek or something (she’ll mostly just get bandages but whatevah). For him… her forehead and hand :-)

What do they like best about each other?

Siiigghhhh, she likes how well-spoken he is, he’s smart and always has something to say without being annoying (to HER). She can tell the least logical stories with a billion random thoughts put in between and he can easily pick up the thread and say something about it that she finds interesting. She enjoys having weird fake deep conversations about whatever haunted stuff she encountered in the Mojave that she couldn’t have with anyone else.

And I think for him it’d be a lot of things but mostly her sort of calming presence, idk having lived with nothing but violence for the past 30 or so years and her being  the complete opposite <3 ALSO on the other hand, despite her gentle nature she does have her evil killer moments, not evil but like… ruthless where she looks absolutely terrifying and I dunno I think he’d find that sexy 🙄 bla bla something miss instrument of divine justice or whatever weird shit he’d say

I have a happy feeling that maybe my sister is alive and this was done to hurt my parents for them faking a death over and over again to hurt

I really wan to know hose idea that was, had to be one person that got everyone else on

I think Kelsey , makes me think my aunt is still alive too

My family is shit like without question they happily take their side and hurt me to make kels happy, to the point I’m never surprised when they do things to hurt me, want to shock me? Tell me they said or did something nice for me. I’ll probably think you’re lying!

From now on if I ever have a problem with anything I will always blame and take it out on Kelsey my new punching bag, feels like a new toy 🤣

One thing that I think. Sets me apart and gives me an advantage when fighting is my creepy reaction to pain

One thing that always hurt was my family always being against me and whenever I had a bully they’d happily take their side and hurt me with no hesitation or questioning

Haven’t talked to my family in years and they still do the fake death to hurt me like come on

Can someone please do something similar to them ?

996 norumbega Dr, Monrovia CA that’s where my aunt Tracey Tempel lives, she even teams up with fucking Nicole to hurt me. She’s now a retired old hag , even my cousins children who loved told me how Tracey was mean to them and they were around 8 years old telling me this, fucking children don’t like you Tracey, I remember as a kid thinking the same shit, my mom told me when she was younger Tracey was mean to her too…Tracey the cunt is mean to everyone!! This fucking cunt needs to learn a fucking lesson in not faking deaths, it was fucking cunt Tracey who treated me the worst when that fake hate crime came out and I didn’t notice at first because she’s normally a cunt but then she apologized when she found out it was fake.. like they never communicate with me just blindly believe strangers and do horrible things to hurt me, even if what they were told about isn’t even true since the asshole knows my family doesn’t like me, but that’s why I cut them off

The director in my family…his son in law lives next to cunt Tracey at 995, his name is Troy ford and he hasn’t been too bad to me recently but his wife Kristen who I’m related to and she teaches high school science at Monrovia high and their sons have treated me so bad lately too 😭

My aunt in the wheelchair is a 994, if you see her tell her I love her so much 🥰

Oh I have another cousin..the lawyers, Melanie and Keith ameele, they were nice enough to let me sleep in their home when Tracey and cunt Kristen (her twin) turned me down, but I think they participated in the fake death thing

I know I’m doxxing them to the max 🤣

Actually go fucking swat their asses, faking a death might be hard idk idc make them pay.. you saw them hurt me but that’s just what you saw, you don’t think they’ve been treating me this bad

Even my mom says I wasn’t comforting when her sister when she is still alive… I say no she isn’t and my mom screams in my face that I’m crazy ..no I just caught you dumb old fat mean cunt ! No one can die 4 times bitch 

You know what the more I think about it I’m think it was faked for my benefit 🥰🥰🥰 if so then I can’t wait to see everyone’s face when they find out 🤩🤩🤩 I love this is causing them chest pain in their old age, hopefully it’ll trigger a stroke in my mom since they happen on her side or a heart attack for my dad since he already had one his heart should be weak already 😈😈😈

If Katie is doing this for me … how can I repay you ? lol 😆

I gave in and cried because my parents were like damn bitch you don’t care?!?? Like damn okay here you go

Plus this did save me from a forced therapy appointment…

LMFAOOOOO

Plus I’ve been crying over my own shit my real baby that died because Kelsey the man was jealous I did something he couldn’t and just over everything like getting evicted

Oh also I heard my mom tell the cop I gave her chest pains

You fucking cunt that’s from thinking your baby died!!! I didn’t do shit to you??? Fuck I hate you! So I told the cop some weird random extra shit too , two can play that bitch oh my god you’re such a bad person I have to punch you in face my last day here since she hit me twice in less than two weeks I’ve been here

I remember years ago hasan telling me my mom was talking shit about me and it was REALLY bad like she wishes I was never born etc … and I said, ya that’s my mom she’s a cunt , I remember hasan looking sad because I did nothing to provoke her talking bad about me…she just does it even if I don’t see her or talk to her , I found out very quickly the kind of person she is, I mean it’s my mom .. so I accepted that as a child but I always hoped that one day she would change to save our relationship but she never did, our relationship was never worth it to her, so we never had, the way we treat each other now compared to before… well when I was smaller I couldn’t fight back:( but last time we fought I left a hard lump on her forehead and it was bleeding so I think I won that round 😆

You guys…it’s a lot easier to hurt my family than other YouTubers so please have fun making them feel like bad people, make them cry, make them SUFFER

You know what …now I really want to stop saying Katie isn’t dead, I’m going to go in on this, say crap about how it’s so sad she won’t be able to get married etc to worsen my moms pain to further cement this event and pain , they say the worst death you can experience is losing your child

It didn’t take long for me to connect certain things , I assumed being asked about politics was connected to hasan which you can’t blame me for lol

Omg ya if anyone is mad at me please take it out on my mom and dad and aunt Tracey , they’ve been the WORST .

Okay now I’m tracking the past few months when someone vaguely texted me out of nowhere with no context about my family saying they were bad and abandoned me or something, it was months ago…the. After that I noticed other things but I haven’t spent time with my family in 2 years because of their behavior so I didn’t understand

So now I’m actually not as mad at Noel oh my god

Bitches if you don’t tell me what’s going on 😭

And since I’m connecting certain things I actually feel kinda bad about how mean I was to him, I didn’t know he was doing something for me oh my god fuck !!! 😭😭😭 okay ya at least I’m the kind of person once I see what’s happening I feel bad and stop fuck

But I did see other posts that seemed like he was attacking me too…

But if he’s going for that bitch then it cancels out the other shit tbh like to find someone to defend you against someone is amazing but so hard if the person that hurt you is your mom like most people stop when it comes to family, I wish there was another word to call them… but if you hack them you’ll see why I say I never had a family, they have room for me but just don’t want me around , that’s fine and make me appreciate the fact my sister won’t visit them 🥰 Melanie’s kids NEVER met Katie and that’s Katie’s choice, the kids want to meet her so bad,

Maybe Katie was smart to not visit them…I did to escape my dad even though they treated me bad, obviously being around my mom isn’t

Okay ya I said protection/safety was the most important thing to me so you do that and ya got me

Even when I got here the first week my mom wouldn’t stop talking about how her sister died like BITCHHH and it’s kinda obvious by her reaction when I truthfully point out she’s alive and I caught her lie..she still won’t drop the act. I fucking. Hate her

But please try to relate to being cornered and attacked and alone . You kinda start to just blindly attack to protect yourself since it felt like I had to be the one to do that, I couldn’t just sit back and take it, no way I’m going down without a fight unlike dahmer , interesting to think how he did literally nothing when beat to death, just took it, almost kinda scary , imagine someone not reacting to torture. I might google

Ya NorCal home might’ve been closer to Cody but I wasn’t going to fucking hangout with a fucking pedo that also is physically/verbally/emotionally abusive until then…

Ya my mom is satan wearing an ugly mask but i fucking hate choosing between two evils….

Winter is bad with dad he will threaten to kill me and has shoved my head into a for adjusting the temperature because I was freezing or bought a room heater that made his bill go up

I remember begging for years for a lock on my door, Katie had one years before I did, got one around 18 so I got another room to sprint to and lock if he gets mad

Oh and every time my mom defends dad I remind her of that time I was in high school and they were arguing in the kitchen and he suddenly grabbed her by the hair, dragged her to the bedroom and beat her, I saw a bruise on her arm the next day. And brought it up when I saw it and she admitted to what I saw. Now she acts like that didn’t happen and pretends he’s a loving father.

I might go to the police station tomorrow to report the cop that came by tonight he was a typical cunt pig cop , hope his next traffic stop is his last lol oh and to make a police against holly too for being g such a fucking cunt and calling the police over and over again for nothing.. she attacked me for trying to eat a jello cup… screamed I should be in bed and started hitting me??? When we go up to NorCal again I’ll beat her ass since that’s not her home she won’t feel as entitled as she does here with the wanna sleep outside bullshit… I can’t fucking wait to beat this cunts face in, since she’s old her skin is a lot more fragile than mine so it’s easy to make her bleed and she’s diabetic so her wounds heal slower than normal leaving her much more susceptible to infections …until then I will silently do small things to hurt her, earlier I spit a few times in her pillow so hopefully she’ll have fun brushing her hair later, sometimes I empathize with my mom and I feel bad because she’s been through a lot, but to punish me for it? And to literally never show me the same empathy. She wants me to act like I love her and be obedient after she treats me like shit and is confused when I reject her, first few years she moved out and I never talked to her and she asked why I always ignored her…you treat me like shit a a child so I hate you as an adult . She keeps getting chances to protect me but always chooses to hurt me instead, whatever benefits her the most I guess, she wants to look good for strangers and make them happy instead in fear they will go after her, she always expected me to not take anything she did to hurt me personally and would say you’re young you’ll forget this, I even told her a situation where she said that and hurt and there was over a 10 year gap… bitch neither of us forget, I even repeated myself verbatim saying how when I’m older I won’t forget this and I won’t forgive you and it will ruin our relationship forever” and I told her over 10 years later that I still meant every word, makes me think she was so careless and evil to me with the back thought…it’s okay she won’t remember this . I think my memory goes back to 4 or 5, maybe 5 , my moms so fucking dumb I think she thought my memory wouldn’t develop til like 8 or something crazy because she told she was 8 which scares me because usually if you can’t remember your childhood it’s because of abuse your brain is protecting you from knowing. I was wondering why I couldn’t remember large gaps like random years were missing in my childhood, I remember kindergarten and first grade but I have NO MEMORY of second… not even the teacher or where I was … nothing… I do remember getting a scary feeling of “waking up” in maybe third grade? And being scared I had no memory of the past several months, I had friends but I had no idea who they were and after I “woke up” they said I was a different person, I think that’s when my year long blackout ended and if I check dates that’s when my dad and babysitter were hurting me, I blacked out a. Entire year because of the abuse, horrific to suddenly feel like you woke up from a coma and your in a classroom and you have relationships but you don’t know their names since it wasn’t you , I read it’s amnesia, I want to look more into this but it’s VERY different from just forgetting, I was sober (I was 8) and with normal forgetting you don’t lose a year of your life and not know your teachers name or your friends names and completely change personalities after waking up. I think after I woke up is when the trauma started to show like the ripping my skin off, during the blackout it seemed I was normal like nothing was wrong and you wouldn’t know I was blacked out honestly dead the entire time and had good friends, after I lost them since I was a different person after I woke up . I’ve always been confused and scared by that intense amnesia…

I had the same teacher and friends for months and I had no idea who they were or their names or anything and I was wondering how people knew my name, I remember kids telling me what I did the week before and i told them that didn’t happen and now I wonder if Steph was right about telling me I was stealing literally everyone’s scissors, like no one had any but I had one, I have no memory of that but I remember being confronted about it, I wonder if I did it on “autopilot” maybe my brain was turned off from all the trauma

Remember when I said my dad yelled at me before a nursing test and I failed… a year later took same test didn’t study and got an A… but I wasn’t getting screamed at. That was the difference. Trauma makes your brain stop working , it literally paralyzes you , you literally can’t do anything, your brain controls everything and when someone else turns it off makes sense you can’t walk speak think etc.. I even read of people losing their sight or hearing for a while as a response to emotional pain like losing sight for a short time after seeing your dead baby . I think something like that happened to me, I remember a year ago maybe? Maybe two but I think one idk I went up north to get my stuff and when I saw my dad it was just a dark figure instead of a person, kinda scared me to see that tbh