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sparklingdemon · 2 years

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who wants some cool behind the scenes “making of” stuff for explorers of death?

this is a long post with a lot of fun facts/trivia, so i’m going to have it all under the cut!

i made the first experimental screenshots for EOD back around 2018.

at first, i wasn’t planning on making a fully fledged remake, it was just going to be a remastering of V2.

the beach wasn’t grayscale, or the whole world for that matter, because the original story hadn’t described it like that. instead i tweaked the beach to have a nighttime palette instead.

^ (shot of the beach used in the final)

this changed once i decided to expand on the lore - since explorers of sky’s ruined future was monochrome, i thought it would better suit the theme of the story.

shadow, and all the enemy pokemon myra faced in the original EOD, were all monochrome as well, so i wanted to make the environment suit their designs.

this was a really silly looking test. the original pasta describes myra and shadow as being in a nondescript cave with nothing but a campfire, and this was the best placeholder image i could find?

spriters resource didn’t have sprites of any campfires despite there being multiple in the game, so i just used the effects of some fire type attack. it looks really dumb, haha.

i considered using armaldo’s cave at one point, but i wasn’t sure how far away the cave is from treasure town and thought that might be immersion breaking. this was also before i started developing the rewritten story.

eventually, i settled on sharpedo bluff, because i wanted myra to explore around the ruined treasure town before going into the dungeon.

conveniently, it also had a campfire during one of its cutscenes.

this early test version of shadow’s death doesn’t even have a background!!

i think it was because i couldn’t figure out where the scene took place - the original pasta didn’t describe it as well as i’d liked.

once i’d finally thrown V1/V2′s environments out the window, i eventually settled on this cave design. it’s a modified version of the pit that igglybuff and armaldo fall into and face a monster house inside of.

the dungeon is supposed to take place inside of beach cave, but i like to think that cave is somewhere even deeper below than the final room of beach cave you’d see in the regular explorers of sky.

probably one of the oldest test images i made, but i liked it so much that it made it into the final version!

i wanted to emulate the canon style/body type of squirtle, rather than my usual art style, and i think i pulled it off pretty well.

time for the reason why i couldn’t finish this story until 2021, despite brainstorming for it in 2018 - the dungeon!

my pokepastas aren’t really rom hacks, they’re just glorified sprite comics, made using modified screenshots taken from an emulator. so, before skytemple, i had no feasible way of creating convincing looking gameplay screenshots of the mystery dungeon itself.

i couldn’t modify pokemon inside the dungeons, i couldn’t give dungeons the custom tilesets i wanted, and so i couldn’t have myra fight enemy pokemon in a convincing manner. essentially, a major portion of the story was impossible for me to do.

skytemple, the explorers of sky hacking tool, was then released at the end of 2020. it made the whole remake possible to finish.

it allowed me to modify beach cave to have the pokemon i needed to fight, and the number of floors i wanted.

characters speaking to myra was all faked though, i do not think this is actually possible, even with rom hacking tools like skytemple.

something that was kind of funny though - in my modding attempts, i somehow managed to crash the game when trying to make kecleon’s shop spawn on floor 10, which was unfortunately where i wanted it to be.

whenever i tried to load in the shop by stepping into the room kecleon was in, the game would just crash with no explanation.

the strange part was that kecleon’s shop was perfectly functional if it was on floor 1 instead. i never figured out how to fix the crash, so, for the entirety of the kecleon floor, i had to edit the HUD to say “B10F” instead of “B1F”.

for the most part though, everything in the dungeon was relatively smooth.

the only fight that was Entirely Fake was actually the unborn. i didn’t know how to make a custom boss fight using skytemple, and even if i did, i don’t know if the game can actually handle this many pokemon on the field at once.

so, instead, i laid out a game plan.

i had every movement planned out. instead of myra actually fighting all these pokemon at once, i would insert the pokemon into the scene artificially.

every pokemon that myra attacked, and every pokemon that attacked myra, would be fought in-game one at a time, and spliced into the battle scene i had laid out.

so, if the unborn’s movements are inaccurate to the AI that pokemon actually have in EOS, it’s because i made up their every move in a way that i assumed they would behave.

however. due to an error in my planning, i realized that totodile would be able to move upwards and attack myra for an extra point of damage. i even lampshade this in the story itself.

that wasn’t an intended error on the narrator/player’s part, it was a genuine mistake in my battle plan that i had to roll with. i’d already made a massive mistake with my battle plan that caused me to have to do the whole thing over, and i didn’t want to redo it again just to make the narrator’s fight as optimal as possible.

it... adds realism, i suppose??

also, just for fun, here’s what the unborn’s icon and background would look like in full motion!

there were three different stages of this background, increasing in intensity as myra lost more hp. this is the kind of cool stuff that i can’t show off when the media is still images.

NOW, time for the really fun part!

this isn’t necessarily “cut content” for the story itself, but these are things that were intended to be in the official explorers of death rom hack, developed by jesterfox6. (now cancelled, unfortunately!)

though the hack is cancelled, it had some semi-canon stuff to it that i’d love to show off!

these are ideas i had after the story was already completed, but it was nothing intrusive to the final story. a lot of the easter eggs here are things that the narrator would have missed out on seeing, but were theoretically possible!

this was a hidden easter egg for the top screen. it wasn’t meant to be seen in normal gameplay, as myra would have been covered up by the top screen’s menus and text boxes.

here was a version i made just for fun with eyes!

this bit is noncanon. due to hacking limitations, the part where you analyze your aura was unable to be removed.

if you lift your finger from the touch screen early, you get some secret text!

this was unused text that was in my original draft of the rewrite, but i instead removed the aura analyzing altogether.

it was scrapped because it messed with the pacing of vulpix myra being revealed, but i still like this idea.

the aura test was also modified to have the bow be white 100% of the time. the bow is not obtainable within the story, and was instead meant to symbolically suggest that maybe myra the vulpix doesn’t have an aura...?

there are secrets in the options menu, too! changing the top screen to “job” reveals myra’s objective.

the map and team option seems relatively normal at first, with myra on a monochrome map...

but as you approach beach cave, text appears at the bottom of the map!

some additional text the narrator missed out on! the eggs inside of chansey daycare have all been ruined.

if you try to save your game here, you’re not allowed.

this text has a double meaning, mocking myra as if to say that she can’t save her adventure or her world.

inside of wigglytuff’s guild, the top screen has an image! in theory the narrator would have seen this, but it’s okay to have the story without it, as it doesn’t add that much to the story.

my favorite is the “who is myra?” one, but the “food?” one adds a bit of lore that everyone here is starving as they’re losing themselves.

here’s what the item info for the vulpix tail says!

as the description suggests, myra would have been able to eat the vulpix tail.

i was kind of kicking myself, because i came up with this idea after the story was already done. i would have loved to do this instead of the narrator spitefully throwing it away...!

though the narrator wouldn’t have dropped it inside the dungeon at any point, i made a custom sprite for the tail, just in case anyone playing the hack would have dropped it.

in the bedroom that the player and partner would have had in the guild, there’s a secret in the bed that would have been myra’s.

this one was jesterfox6′s suggestion, added in as a half-joking reference to a gag from oneshot.

wigglytuff is not happy to be going hungry!

and speaking of wigglytuff, i had a handful of ideas about him!

for starters, if the player tries to go down to the beach before wigglytuff’s guild, myra will shake her head. you’re supposed to go to the guild first and burn it down, but you can actually continue forward despite myra’s protest if you try again!

myra would automatically walk to the middle of the road, before turning around.

wigglytuff’s shadow would quickly rush in to attack her, and the screen fades to black.

but in the demo hack, she just wakes up back at sharpedo bluff as if the whole thing didn’t happen.

a similar scenario would play out if the player tried to go into wigglytuff’s room instead of running out of the guild.

however, a different death would have theoretically occurred if wigglytuff caught myra while chasing her.

the following is a mockup gif of how the scene might have played out -

if he caught up to myra, a scene would start where he grabs her and begins to eat her alive. during the scene, the screen would fade to black.

in canon, these kinds of scenes would have resulted in the narrator’s premature game over, permanently killing off myra before getting to any of the fun story stuff. that’s why it would have appeared in the rom hack, where players could fail on purpose without the high stakes of missing out on the rest of the story.

but since the hack turned out to be unfeasible, i decided to show off all this unseen stuff!

that’s pretty much all i have to show off for now, but i’ll be willing to show off more if people have any follow-up questions, haha.

if you made it this far, thank you!

#pokepasta #pmd explorers of death

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kulemiwrites · 3 years

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OBM Characters as Shit that Annoys Me

Lucifer- when i am around someone that is a year or two older than me and they make their being my elder a personality trait- hoe we’re both adults in our 20s, foh

Mammon- when a dude tries to ask me out only to insult me once i tell them no ‘i didn’t wanna talk to yo ugly ass anyway’

Leviathan- when i tell someone i like something and then they proceed to aggressively quiz me on every single aspect of that thing to test if i’m a ‘true fan’ or not

Satan- when someone tries to explain my college major to me (incorrectly)

Asmodeus- when my family ‘playfully’ mention my weight gain or comment on my lack of style since i prefer sweatpants and big t shirts BECAUSE they monitor every aspect of my body

Beelzebub- when my siblings ate all the snacks (i bought with MY money while i was at work) and denied it- despite the wrappers i found in their bed

Belphegor- when my s/o falls asleep on the movie they begged me to watch with them

Diavolo- when that one dude goes, ‘where my hug at?’ (this is based on his open-armed sprite)

Barbatos- when people have a perfectly pristine house/apartment/room and say “oh, sorry for the mess.” bitch-

Simeon- when my family used to force me to go to practice christianity

Solomon- when that one cousin shamed me for being in my wannabe glam rock phase in middle school only to go through her goth then later, witch phase-- is now trying to emulate vcso girl and peddle mlm healing crystals

Luke- when my neighbors little ass dog comes to my yard to bark at my cats and then screams bloody murder when one of them chases him.

I might do a part two or a 'OBM characters as shit I love', we'll see :)

#obey me writing #obey me crack #obey me #obey me swd #omswd #shall we date obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me fandom #om!

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brazenautomaton · 2 years

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oh hey for @puropoly and @grelleswife and anyone else to whom it might be interesting, have a SPUB!Naomisa moment I just banged out, hopefully it’s good

Misa doesn’t half-ass anything, and she doesn’t sit still.

To be a voice actress who worked remotely, we didn’t get a dinky little recording booth with one chair to sit at. We got a soundproofed recording studio big enough for a rock band, custom-built with a mixing board on the inside so I could operate it while I was in there with her.

If Misa’s character was looking at someone, talking to someone, then she was talking to me, using my posture and facial expressions to bounce off of. If she was in a fight, I was guiding and compressing her body to get the position right. And if her character was walking, I was beside her, hand on her shoulder to keep her pace steady, head right next to hers, guiding the microphone arm to stay the same distance from her mouth. Perfectly in sync to her movement. It took a lot of practice for something with a very narrow application, learning to track her movements so closely. I was so grateful that her acting style gave me an excuse to learn it.

Love is sometimes a wonderful form of anxiety. Love is when you could hear someone say “I love you” a thousand times in a row and it will never get old, yet you need to constantly find new ways to say it yourself because it’s never been enough.

That morning, we weren’t recording anything. But she spent all day in the booth anyway. The door was open, I could see her, she wasn’t concerned with background noise. She’d already learned to emulate my voice from recordings, what few I could find, so she could sound like me when she interpreted for me. But that day, she was listening to recordings of herself. Her own words; she’d repeat them back in varying tones and pitches with a furrowed brow and look of deep concentration.

I didn’t disturb her, or ask what she was doing -- if she wanted it to be a dramatic reveal I wasn’t going to try and spoil it. I just worked on my own “L” things, which included absolutely nothing of consequence. At lunch she was clearly chipper and eager and squirming about what she was going to do, but didn’t say anything about it. It wasn’t until after dinner, after sunset, that I found out.

I hadn’t even done a grand romantic gesture or anything. I was just asking if she wanted to use the Playstation, and I wrote out a note to that effect. Purely utilitarian, not a love letter, not something to be gushed about with longing gazes.

“//DO YOU WANT TO PLAY BIOHAZARD TOGETHER, OR SHOULD I START UP FINAL FANTASY 13?//” She always read the notes aloud, so I could make sure she interpreted them correctly. But her tone was different from before. It took me a few seconds before it even hit me what it was, and I grinned and I picked her up and held her.

Your voice sounds different to you when it’s recorded, because normally you hear it through your own body. She’d been listening to herself and repeating the words, so she could get a finer handle on the exact difference. Learn to replicate it.

So she could read those inconsequential little words back to me in a voice nobody but me had ever heard. Fuller, a bit deeper. My voice, as it sounded to me.

I never would have even thought to ask for this. Nobody in the world would have expected it of her. So much work for something so little, something she couldn’t even verify she’d done right until she saw the surprised happiness in my eyes. But she doesn’t half-ass anything. And love is about always wanting to do more.

#death note #SPUB #Naomi Misora #Misa Amane #naomisa

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gisellelx · 3 years

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Consider this ask a general prompt for any nerding you would like to do for us re: linguistic thoughts about various Cullens. Also: any particular headcanons of how they've influenced each other's speech in general? (I was going to say re: Edward emulating Carlisle but that might not be the most interesting example)

Okay commence much belated nerding out. Relevant post.

Under a cut because sorry, I went to town here. tl;dr--the Cullens sound different to each other, and their backgrounds and relationships have affected the way they sound over time. But they all can sound exactly how they need to any time they need to.

Here are two useful things we know about why people do or do not change the way they talk.

Communities of practice: this is a concept which comes from education but which has gotten adopted in several adjacent fields, including sociology and linguistics. Basically, the idea is, the way you talk will reflect the kinds of relationships you want to have with people around you, and how you want to draw lines separating your group from other groups. My easiest-to-understand example of this is that my friends from college athletic bands had some terms and inside practices which arose because of our shared experience of playing in those bands. We were in band twenty years ago, but if you're having drinks with a few other bandos and leave the bar, someone will go "ohhhhh see ya!" like the cheer we yell when someone gets put in the penalty box at a hockey game.

Convergence and accommodation: Speakers often try to sound like people they want to connect with in more than just practices and inside jokes. The more you want to connect with someone (combined with your personality), the more likely you are to adopt their style of speaking. This is in the short term, which is accommodation (you start to speak more slowly because the person you're speaking with speaks more slowly) or dialect convergence (over time your whole way of sounding starts to shift toward other people's.) Some evidence that extroverts do this faster, but it also depends on how desirable the connection is.

Convergence is probably more influential for the Cullens than CoP, although I imagine there are some CoP kinds of things that happen to vampires more broadly and the Cullens specifically. In particular, I suspect (and write) that the Cullens have lots of euphemisms for things: they talk about "mistakes" to avoid talking about murder, about "Royce" and "Charles" to avoid uttering the word rape, Edward's rebellion is called The Time or Edward's Sojourn (that's Carlisle).

The bigger question is, how would they sound and how would they naturally converge (or not!) based on their personalities and relationship.

So. You have the Cullens. Kind of a rough-and-tumble rundown of their varieties:

Carlisle: I headcanon Boston Brahmin . In the 1700s, the London accent was /r/-full, so Carlisle would've arrived to the US sounding more like a current-day American speaker than we associate now with British English (received pronunciation usually being the exported one). He would've hobknobbed with the educated elite on the eastern seaboard and picked up what they sounded like at the time. He loves being American--this is where he found his purpose and his family. So shifting toward that accent makes sense for him.

Esme: Lower middle class US midlands. The central Ohio accent is often perceived to be extremely neutral. It's not--there are some truly funky features--but people think it is, so there's not much reason to move away from it. She might have tried her hand at a transatlantic accent, but she slides back into her middle Ohioan often, because it's easy and it's not usually considered "bad" anywhere. She makes fun of the way Carlisle says rather. He teases her about how bag and egg are the same sound for her.

Edward: Northern Cities Shifted Chicago. If you've ever heard a Chicagoan pronounce the word Chicago, well, there you go. I realize this probably fucks with the gentle, sexy attempt-at-American accent delivered by Robert Pattinson. Edward was born too late to have transatlantic imposed on him, and so his accent was probably left to be.

Rosalie: Another reason they hate each other--they sound alike. Rosalie is on the other side of the Great Lakes, was born not that much later, and Rochester is another major source of Northern Cities Shift. So she and Edward sound...pretty much the same. They're both upper middle class/upper class and are picking up the prestige version of the NCVS.

Emmett: Appalachian. Pretty much enough said. The post I linked at the outset lays out a few things from Appalachian speech.

Jasper: East Texan. Texas is not general southern--there are a handful of features which make it notably different than say, Louisiana.

Alice: Upper class Mississippian. Now, this is somewhat indistinguishable to a northern American or non-American ear--maaaaybe you notice sort of "high class southern" but it's subtle. She's got a bunch of features of southern English, though, but the more prestigious versions of them. Not quite To Kill a Mockingbird--that's Alabama-- but that's not a bad place to start to hear it.

So that's where they're starting. Where do they end up?

Carlisle: sticks with Brahmin. The moment he arrived in the US means a lot to him, and so he defaults back to that first major change, when he adopted an American identity.

Edward: Probably goes without saying, but he sounds exactly like Carlisle. He shifted his default as soon as he was able, and his intense adoration of Carlisle means he converged on Carlisle's variety. He also picks up Carlisle's idiolect--particular phrases and verbal tics--again, because he wants to be like Carlisle in any way he can. "Oh my God will you quit; you're not Carlisle" is a phrase that gets uttered in annoyance often.

Esme: Keeps her central Ohio accent. She loves Carlisle more than anything, but there's nothing particularly stigmatized about her variety. So she keeps it. She's happy to be her own person.

Rosalie: Does not wish to be a part of this family and regrets her change. She certainly does not converge toward Carlisle's style, but the pressure of sounding anything like Edward, even if his dialect has shifted, is also grating. She brings her NCVS a little more toward Esme's Ohio variety over time.

Emmett: This man killed a bear* with his bare hands in the Smoky Mountains. He's real proud of being a mountain man and he sounds like one. He also has a healthy disdain for the upper-crustness of Carlisle and Rosalie and Edward and is determined to bring them back down to earth. Over time the most obvious parts of his dialect do fade--he doesn't use "a huntin'" very often, for instance. But he can shift into full on Appalachian on a dime and often does. It's fun for him.

Jasper: Stays East Texas. He's very proud of his cowboy identity, and is the least connected to the Cullen family as a community of practice. He can sound like whatever his paperwork says he does, but in default, he's still got the same Houston variety he's had for two centuries. I don't love darlin' darlin' Jasper in fic but I chalk that more up to writers learning how to have a light hand with dialect rather than it being something he fundamentally wouldn't say--he absolutely does say it. Also says bless your heart.

Alice: Biloxi is not that far from Houston, and she and Jasper, who are wound around each other, pick up each other's verbal mannerisms and reinforce subtle aspects of each other's gulf of Mexico accents. She both mellows Jasper's Texas English while also moving her own English toward his.

So in "default" mode, the Cullens sound a little different to each other. But there's no way a Twipire would somehow be unable to move perfectly and seamlessly between multiple English accents as they needed to. There's no reason to think that any of them showed up at Forks High School sounding like anything but exactly what their paperwork said their dialectal background ought to be.

*by the way this would've been a black bear, not a grizzly. I'm sure he loves grizzlies, but he wasn't fighting a grizzly in the Smokies. He probably got tangled up with a really mad mama bear. This is a pet peeve of mine, I admit.

#linguistics #twilight #accents #cullen family #carlisle cullen #esme cullen #edward cullen #rosalie hale #alice cullen #jasper hale #long post #giselle gets too srs bsns #tw: rape mention

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samwisethewitch · 4 years

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Neopagans, reconstructionists, and revivalists, oh my!

As we’ve discussed before, “pagan” is an umbrella term that actually encompasses a wide range of traditions. Not all pagans believe the same things, worship the same gods, or conceptualize those gods the same way.

Within the bigger pagan umbrella, there are three smaller umbrellas that can be useful for classifying pagan worship: neopagan, reconstructionist, and revivalist. These labels describe different approaches to ancient pagan religion and different ways of incorporating paganism into daily life. It’s important to remember that words like “neopagan” or “reconstructionist” refer to someone’s practice and not necessarily to their beliefs.

A neopagan is someone who takes inspiration from ancient pagan religions, but does not try to recreate those religions in their practice. For example, a neopagan might feel a strong connection to the Roman gods, but they don’t necessarily observe all the intricacies of Roman ritual (and believe me, there’s a lot — Roman polytheism is where Catholicism gets a lot of its formal structure) in their practice. They’re comfortable making things up as they go along, combining concepts from different historical sources, and practicing a thoroughly modern type of paganism. You could say that neopagans strive to capture the spirit of ancient paganism, but do so in a very 21st-century way.

Neopagans are more likely to be monists than hard polytheists, and may even use pagan-style ritual as a means to connect to a single divine Source rather than a specific deity. Neopagan groups often place a great emphasis on reverence for nature and strive to live in harmony with the natural world. Neopagans are sometimes described as practicing “Earth-centered religion.”

The most famous neopagan faith is Wicca. Rather than being a recreation of an ancient religion, Wicca combines concepts from these religions (particularly Celtic and Germanic paganism) with elements of ceremonial magic and Western occultism. Wiccans worship the God and Goddess, personifications of the masculine and feminine sides of the divine Source, and many covens have their own unique mythology to describe the interactions between the God and Goddess through the cycle of the seasons. Wiccans tend to play fast and loose with historical sources, or may not include any historical elements in their practice at all. This is a good example of what a neopagan practice might look like.

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum are reconstructionists, who strive to recreate or “reconstruct” ancient religion. If you can’t do anything without reading three books about it first, you might be a reconstructionist. Jokes aside, reconstructionists seek to emulate a historical religion as closely as possible. Reconstructive practice is very research-heavy, and revolves around recreations of ancient rituals based on historical sources. There is a great emphasis on connecting to and honoring the ancient culture being reconstructed. Some reconstructionists may even learn ancient languages for use in ritual.

Reconstructionists may be monists, hard polytheists, or somewhere in between depending on the religion they are reconstructing. Their values, beliefs, and practices also depend on the culture being reconstructed. A Hellenic reconstructionist will have very different beliefs and practices from an Irish reconstructionist, for example.

Nova Roma is an example of a reconstructionist faith. According to their website, “Founded 2,750 years after the Eternal City itself, Nova Roma seeks to bring back those golden times, not through the sword and the legions, however, but through the spread of knowledge and through our own virtuous example… The modern practice of the Roman religion, the Cultus Deorum Romanorum is our attempt to reconstruct the religion of the ancient Romans as closely as possible.” Members of Nova Roma choose a Roman name for use in ritual — and those rituals are as close as possible to the rites of Imperial Rome. They even have communal religious spaces built to resemble Roman temples!

One important note about reconstruction: it’s impossible to do it perfectly. No matter which historical culture you’re reconstructing, there will likely be some gaps (possibly very large gaps) in our knowledge of their religion. No matter how much research you do, you will sometimes have to use your best guess.

While reconstruction seeks to recreate ancient religion, it is not all about looking backwards. No matter how closely you recreate Egyptian religion, you can never have the same thoughts, experiences, or worldview as an ancient Egyptian peasant. Even the most hardcore reconstructionist has to adapt their religion to fit a modern lifestyle. As author Morgan Daimler points out, “reconstruction is understanding the old pagan religion so that we can envision what it would have been like if it had never been interrupted by foreign influences and had continued to exist until today.”

I like to think of revivalists as the halfway point between neopagans and reconstructionists. Revivalists seek to recreate the spirit of a specific ancient religion, but they may not necessarily reconstruct all of the practices associated with that religion. Revivalists are much more concerned with theology and upholding ancient cultural/religious values than they are with dogma or practice.

Like reconstructionists, revivalists’ beliefs depend on the ancient culture they are seeking to revive. Also like reconstructionists, revivalists do a lot of research — however, their research acts more as inspiration or general guidelines than as something that has to be followed to the letter. Like neopagans, revivalists are very much practicing a modern religion.

Going back to our example of Roman paganism, a Roman revivalist will strive to uphold Roman values in their daily life, like xenia (roughly translated as “hospitality,” though that is an oversimplification). They likely worship the Roman gods, but may do so in a more informal way than Nova Roma or other reconstructionists. They may include some historic elements in their rituals, like wearing a head covering and making burnt offerings — but the ritual will likely be performed in their native language. Revivalists are all about taking the big ideas of ancient religion and adapting them for modern life.

The line between revival and reconstruction is not always clearly defined. Many revivalists use reconstruction in some areas of their faith, and every reconstructionist is a revivalist when they have to fill in gaps in historical knowledge of their religion. The distinction really lies in how closely you want to follow ancient traditions.

Each of these approaches to paganism has its benefits and its drawbacks. Different approaches work better for different people — a lot of it comes down to personality and preference. Here’s a quick rundown of some of the obvious pros and cons of each approach.

PROS of neopaganism:

Because this is by far the most widely practiced type of paganism, there is an abundance of beginner-friendly literature available for new neopagans.

Because of its popularity and flexibility, it’s usually fairly easy to find a neopagan group to worship with, either in person or online.

Neopaganism allows for a lot of experimentation and personal exploration. You are free to incorporate whatever elements work for you.

CONS of neopaganism

Ironically, an abundance of literature also means there are a lot of bad neopagan resources floating around. Newcomers should take care in choosing the books they read on the subject.

Some people become frustrated with the lack of structure in many neopagan traditions.

It can sometimes feel like there are no “real” right answers, since neopaganism relies heavily on personal truth.

PROS of reconstruction

Reconstructing an ancient religion provides a sense of structure.

Choosing to focus on a specific religion/culture can lead to a deep feeling of connection to that culture. This can be especially powerful for pagans who feel disconnected from their cultural heritage.

Because reconstruction seeks to recreate ancient religion, it’s easy to find other people who practice the same way you do, at least online.

CONS of reconstruction

Reconstruction is largely based on primary sources, so reconstructionists will likely have to read dense, academic, and/or archaic literature at some point.

Unless you live in a big city, it may be hard to find an in-person community that shares your beliefs and practices.

Focus on a single culture means there is less room for experimentation. You can still incorporate elements from other traditions, but only if they don’t contradict your existing beliefs.

PROS of revival

Revival allows pagans to feel a close connection to an ancient culture, while also allowing them freedom to customize their path.

Allows practitioners to be their own priest/priestess and make their own decisions regarding their practice.

Provides a middle ground between the fluidity of neopaganism and the stricture of reconstruction.

CONS of revival

Because every revivalist practices differently, it can be very hard to find a group to worship with, online or in person, without having to make compromises.

Like reconstructionists, revivalists will occasionally have to do some difficult reading.

Because this path is so often solitary, it can be hard to stick with it if you aren’t good at keeping yourself motivated.

If you are considering becoming pagan, take a moment to think about which of these approaches appeals most to you. Are you most attracted to neopaganism, reconstruction, or revival?

Don’t just think about which approach sounds the best, but think about which one is most practical for you. Do you need the external motivation of a group to keep you on the right track, or are you very internally motivated? Do you like following instructions, or do you prefer to make things up as you go? Do you feel a strong connection to a specific ancient culture, or do you feel more connected to nature itself? All of these questions can help guide you towards the right approach for your practice.

Resources:

Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham

Nova Roma’s website, novaroma.org

Irish Paganism: Reconstructing Irish Polytheism by Morgan Daimler

The Way of Fire and Ice by Ryan Smith

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senjuhashirama · 2 years

Note

My quandary is rooted in a separate fandom. I and a few of my friends have character blogs in this separate fandom. Well we aren't popular or that well known, but we have fun and we don't harm anybody. You see there is another group of character blogs as well [in this same fandom] who are very popular. They instantly get likes and fanfare from stans. Our blogs are nothing like theirs. We don't try to duplicate or mimic them in any way. However they (the popular character blogs) have on occasion ripped off our posts and posted our words to their blogs, have used our rp situations, have tried to do things that we do, that we noticed. We ended up blocking them. That's not my quandary though, my problem is one of my friends, let's call her Marsha, who rps her character perfectly and is funny and amazing, decided to start rping with them. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this, but they are who they are, and Marsha is rping the stuff we do with her.. now with them. Isn't that odd? Marsha pities them because she (and we) suspects that in actuality, the popular blogs are run by 1 or 2 people (there's quite a lot of those blogs). I suspect Marsha is right. But? Is this even fair? I don't trust her, because why is she emulating our rp style, with these blogs that hate us for nothing?

This is part 1 of the quandary but I'll break it off here, due to length, and tell me what you think?

Addendum: I'm not trying to flex, but we put a lot of thought into our blogs, a lot of care goes into building our characters. We take it seriously. The other character blogs are based on crack threads. Which is always welcome, but it feels so frustrating. Even when we do crack threads I'm sorry but we're just funnier. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Not tootin my own horn but when Marsha posts with the haters (lack of a better term), she's giving them more likes and we sort of feel, hey, look at us here, we're just rping alone.

(If I could show you what the other blogs post about, 50 reblogs about utensils and.. You would see what I mean!! And again, anyone has the right to post whatever they desire as long as it's not harmful, but their actions against us is what riles me up.)

It's so stupid how what should be a fun time has this added layer of stress. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. But I need a voice unrelated to my fandom to just.. Tell me what I'm not seeing.

(If you want me to shut up I will!)

Hi ♥ First, I’m sorry you have to go through this. Fandom, especially RP parts, can be traumatizing. And it’s hard to really leave, because there are people you care about. And sometimes it’s almost impossible. I will put it under the cut, bcs it’s long.

Second, I would advise you to be careful about what the group is saying about the second group. Masha (for some reason I imagine Marcia from Succession) maybe chose the strategy - if you can’t defeat them, you must join them. Which sometimes can be good, but it can get weird. Sometimes people just want to join the popularest plastics because the promise of popularity seems great (I shrug because this is literally tumblr, why are people still playing plastics lmao). That’s really on them, but there’s a chance she might tell them everything you’re saying, so I really think you should be careful. People like to take things out of context to show how abusive other people are. Just be safe and in case there’s anything sensitive, delete it, because these things can get pretty messy very fast. I’m not saying she will do it, I sincerely hope she won't, I hope she feels only sorry for them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Third – do not tell them you think they are copying your content. I know this sounds like terrible advice, but many people were accused on this website of stealing stuff and used it as evidence that the other person is shitty. For some reason, RP attracts people who don’t have a very strong sense of identity (which is fine by the way, sometimes I struggle with that too, so I know how it feels) and sometimes these things happen, and they don’t even realize. It sucks, but it is what it is. And your complaining will be used as ammunition.

You can get into a fight, but honestly, it’s not worth the mental turmoil, because this is basically what thirteen years old children do, mimicking Ar*ana Grande or other famous celebs. It is hurtful to see other people being rewarded for your content, but it’s not like you can do anything, there are no judges. Unless the person is level-headed (if someone told me I would probably apologize bcs it’s my big fear, copying someone! I’d rather know that continue that behavior), there’s a little chance they will admit that they’re basically stealing it from you and most likely they don’t even realize (which is not an excuse, but it lowers the chance of them admitting to it). You probably won’t win and if you will, you will pay for it with your mental health. Most likely, you both will lose in the end or it will be a pyrrhic victory, take that from me. Also I have one thought about it being one or two people – they might be unconsciously mimicking one another, so they might appear as the same, just thought.

So I would advise you to just block them and not watch them. In the end, it’s embarrassing for them to steal something. And as someone who had their content stolen (ironically, by people who would probably prefer if I died and who lied about me and last time I was told they’re still at it but I can’t let that get to me), there’s one thing that always calmed me down. That they can take some things from me, but it doesn’t matter, because it came out of my head, my head is mine, they can’t replace it by taking the things it created. That’s the thing they want, but will never have, your mind. People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it is true, it just sucks that people will take the credit.

But what you can do is evolve your ideas. They will be better since they came from you. You aren’t replacable. Try to focus that stress into something creative, even if it’s just out of spite and pettiness. If you don’t want to leave, there’s only that option left. And it’s much better than obsessing about what they took away, because it will only stress you out. You already have the most important thing – your mind and that’s already a higher ground. Not people liking it. It’s much better than fighting them and being petty on main. Believe me, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Some people will notice, some won’t, but you don’t want them around anyway.

Oh and the last thing – take care of yourself. Sometimes I wish people on the internet could see the other person, because I doubt it would be as scary. This is like a high school and nothing more. I hope you will find peace in your ideas, and you won’t feel the need to check them. It can really get uglier than it is now, because some people feel they are entitled to make your life hell, don’t be one of them. Just say no to that negativity, be careful and don’t check them out, because it will ruin your fun. Try not to spiral down and not let the bad thoughts in, this is how you protect your safe space.

I’m sorry for telling you to kind of surrender, but safety and mental health comes first. And this is the only way it worked for me.

#anonymous #ask #✿life is full of little interruptions✿#konohanians talk #✿wouldn't you like to know✿#ooc probably?#fandom shit #also keep on asking #hashiramathetheTherapist

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sometimesiwrite · 3 years

Text

The Way It Is

Prompt: Fake Dating

Pairing: Lambert & Essi Other Characters: Julian (Jaskier), Eskel/Geralt

Rating: Teen Content Warnings: No Archive Warnings; platonic/queerplatonic dynamics; pressure to engage sexually; coarse language; alcohol/intoxication; modern AU.

Summary: When Essi and Lambert are setup on a blind date, they don’t expect to get along as well as they do. However, when they decide to keep their relationship platonic and non-romantic, they realize they might face some uncomfortable pressure. For the sake of simplicity, they decide to tell people they’re dating, but is it sustainable?

@witcher-rarepair-summer-bingo

Essi fidgeted with the bent corner of her cafe menu, looking around at the various styles of local artworks hanging on the walls. She was early by about ten minutes, but that didn’t stop her from checking the pearlescent dial of her watch every thirty seconds. Finally, the bell above the door tinkled and a man walked in. Essi could tell from the way he was looking around that he was there to meet someone—her. The only other people sitting alone in the cafe were working on laptops and tablets; no one else waiting for a date. And this man was most certainly looking for one.

He was handsome in a ruffled sort of way, though he’d clearly put in a bit of effort. His black casual dress shirt and slim light-wash jeans fit his lean frame impeccably, and a subtle quantity of mousse was clearly doing its best to tame his short, scruffy brown hair. Even his bristly beard appeared to have been trimmed recently. Though there was nothing particularly remarkable about his clothing, there was something striking about the way he carried himself, a devil-may-care sort of presence that Essi appreciated. For a blind date, she thought, it certainly could be worse. Allegedly, they knew each other, at least based on his abruptly out-of-the-blue text, and the closer she looked, the more her memory of him crystalized.

A loud ping! emitted from Essi’s phone and the man looked up from his own cellular device, clearly having just texted.

“Uh, Essi? Essi Daven, right?” He took a step towards her and leaned in, pointing to his phone screen.

“Yes,” Essi stood to shake his hand, “hi.”

“Nice to see you again. Lambert.”

They sat down awkwardly, both struggling to find the will for smalltalk.

“So…” Lambert had become keenly interested in a black-and-white digital photograph behind Essi’s shoulder.

“Listen,” Essi could feel the words start to tumble out of her mouth, and it was too late to do anything about it. Lambert raised an eyebrow, “I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to be honest and probably regret it later: I don’t really do this. Dating. I find it strange and uncomfortable and if I’m perfectly honest I think I’d rather die.” She didn’t cringe apologetically, which would have been the expected behaviour to accompany an outpouring of disinterest. Instead she stared at him, wide-eyed, lips slightly pursed as a muscle in her neck twitched, waiting for his response.

Lambert laughed. Genuinely laughed—a joyful release of tension and dread, “Oh, thank Fuck!” Essi blinked in pleasant surprise and watched as Lambert began to relax.

“Excuse me?” Her startlingly blue eyes widened in amusement.

“No, no, I just mean—I would absolutely and one-hundred percent, without a doubt, rather die in a hole than date,” Lambert slotted the edge of the menu under his fingernails and let his eyes wander a little more freely around the cafe.

“So then… why?”

Hm. Direct, frank, amusing lack of filter… the memories were starting to come back from what limited, heavily inebriated, time they’d spent together.

There was something about the straightforwardness of this endearingly odd woman that made Lambert feel infinitely more comfortable. Usually, any kind of interaction with the potential of building mutual interest made him feel like he was playing a game he didn’t know the rules to. The signals, the code words that never meant what they said: having sex on the first date means you’re a slut; not having sex on the third date means you’re a prude; grabbing coffee means this; having dinner means that; if they your arm but don’t invite you up, it means that they’re actually a KGB operative and need to give you the launch codes for a super secret missile...

Fuck that, we have words for a reason. Say what you mean and don’t waste my time. For that reason alone, Essi was already scoring quite well in Lambert’s books.

He shrugged, “You somehow remembered me from the KM Christmas party almost six months ago, and still asked for my number. I figure that at least deserves a coffee and a conversation.”

Essi was bewildered, “I didn’t ask for your number, you texted me.”

Lambert shook his head, “Impossible. No offense, but I absolutely guarantee you I did not.” He produced their short text exchange and scrolled to the top of their conversation:

Hi, is this Lambert? From the KM Christmas party?

You might not remember me, we got talking about

the political situation in Kashmir after about…

Too many drinks. Eeep!

Anyway, I’d love to get a coffee sometime, if

you’re interested.

Sorry, this is Essi Daven.

You called me Goldilocks at one point and

seemed amused XD

Hope you’re well!

Essi snatched Lambert’s phone, shocked and slightly outraged as she reached for her own device, opening her thread with Lambert. The text at the top was not from her, but from the man across from her:

Yeah, hi, this is

Lambert-from-the-KM-Christmas-party.

As it happens, I remember you and our

conversation quite well. Not many folks

happily get into drunken political discussions

You know what, I wouldn’t mind grabbing a

coffee.

Let me know if you’re free in the next couple

weeks!

Lambert gestured emphatically at Essi’s phone screen, “In what world is this an acceptable way to ask someone out?! I wouldn’t have said yes to that!”

“I don’t know,” Essi fired back, “It was straightforward! I found it charming, okay? Is that a crime?”

“No, but I have some serious concerns about your taste in men.”

“Like you’re in such a fine position to judge after the hollow, paltry invitation you accepted—which I absolutely did not write, by the way. I want to make that perfectly clear.”

“Alright, alright, cool your jets, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.” Lambert narrowed his eyes as he passed Essi’s phone back to her, “You didn't fire the first shot, so who texted me from your phone and cleared the history?”

Essi nibbled the inside of her cheek, “I can think of a few.”

“Okay, next question,” Lambert pocketed his phone, “who added you to my contacts before you texted. Because we did not exchange numbers six months ago, but your name was already there when I received it.”

Essi shrugged, “Who has access to your phone?”

“I dunno. Really just Eskel and Geralt and neither of them would—”

“Geralt.”

“Why him?”

Essi’s bright blue eyes turned steely and murderous, “Julian… They’re working together.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that Geralt the-last-thing-I-need Rivia and Julian Alfred these-aren't-my-pants Pankratz think we're so helplessly undateable that they decided to secretly set us up?”

“Eskel doesn’t know me that well; he wouldn’t try to set you up with someone he hadn’t vetted. Who did you talk to first when you got that text from me?”

Lambert’s eyes widened, “Holy shit, they’re working together.”

Essi nodded, a flood of embarrassment warming her cheeks. “Sorry to waste your time. You’re very nice but, um, I should just…” she got up to leave.

“Wh-hey, hold up. I mean, if you wanna go, go, that's fine, but there's something you might want to know first.”

Essi tossed her yellow bangs out of her eyes, “Oh? What's that?”

“This,” Lambert produced an Amex credit card from his breast pocket, “is Geralt's.” The cheeky glint in his eyes was a very convincing argument.

“Fine then. Coffee and a conversation.”

The coffee was hot and decent, and the conversation meandered through the usual topics of music, movies, and television, but also dipped into deeper waters as they grew more comfortable with each other’s company. Of course, it didn’t hurt that neither of them had any stakes in the outcome of this “date”. It made it easier to be frank and open, which in turn led to them quickly enjoying their time together. So much so that coffee turned into lunch, which turned into a long walk in the pleasant weather, which finally landed them outside Essi’s apartment, just around dinner time.

“I have to say, this was actually a pleasant encounter,” she said, turning to face him with a characteristic toss of her bangs.

“Yeah, who’d’ve thought two people forced together by meddling friends would actually find it enjoyable?”

“In light of that,” Essi squared her shoulders and found Lambert’s hazel-brown eyes, “I think it’s fair to say I want to see you again.”

He cringed regretfully and scratched the back of his head, “Ahh, yeah, so… I don’t know if that’s really--”

“Oh, relax,” Essi smirked with a casual touch to Lambert’s forearm. “I don't mean like that. I just mean--you're interesting and fun and, well I don't have many close friends and I feel like we connected well today.”

“Well…”

“I'll make it even simpler: I absolutely, one-hundred percent, am not interested in dating you.”

“Easy there, you know I love it when people get all straightforward with me.”

“I mean it, I just want to be friends,” she toyed back, trying her best to look sultry. It kind of worked.

Lambert bit his lower lip in mock arousal, “Mmm, oh yeah...”

She swayed her shoulders forward and back, doing her best to emulate the seductive actresses and models of the 1950s, “I want to Netflix and chill with a documentary about Soviet propaganda.”

Her last comment prompted a playfully stern look from her companion, “Careful now, you’re wading into actual turn-on territory.”

“You're such a weirdo,” Essi chuckled, giving him an endeared shove. “Seriously, though, would you like to do this again? Friends?”

He nodded sincerely, “Yeah, I think I'd really like that. Just one problem, though.”

“If we claim not to be interested in each other but keep hanging out we’ll never hear the end of it?”

“Bingo.”

Essi hummed thoughtfully and nibbled the inside of her bottom lip, “Well… we could always… pretend?”

***

“Sounds like you two are hitting it off. I’m glad. I know Essi’s been feeling a little isolated between work and being new to the city.” Geralt closed the fridge with his foot and headed towards the sofa, popcorn in one hand, three beers in the other. “I’ll take my card back, by the way.”

Lambert reluctantly handed the Amex back in exchange for a beer and perched on the arm of the sofa. “She’s really something. We’re, uh—yeah, hitting it off is a good word.”

And hitting it off, they were. The last ten days since their first “date” had been more enjoyable than all the dates he’d had in the last year combined. Essi was a fantastic companion: sharp, witty, kind, took no bullshit… They had done absolutely nothing but hang out, and no one had pried them for many details about the nature of their relationship. As far as their friend group was concerned, they were simply dating in the way that most adults dated. This also meant more time to themselves without unwanted interruptions (namely Julian barging in with his spare key to gossip about whatever fires were currently alight on twitter). The first night Lambert had been over, it took Julian all of five minutes to “grab something from the fridge” before parting with a knowing wink.

To her credit and imagination, Essi had expertly fielded her cousin’s initial barrage of questions when she first announced their “involvement.” It wasn’t that she didn’t like her cousin, Essi adored Julian, but she was also the first to admit that the man had no boundaries. What he lacked in that arena, he certainly made up for with opinions, which he was always more than happy to bestow on his younger cousin—usually dating advice, almost always unsolicited. Lambert had a much easier time convincing his side that he and Essi were taking it easy to see where things went. Between Eskel being a consummate gentleman and Geralt having his own Delicate Sensibilities, neither of them had demanded any details.

“As long as you’re both happy and everything’s healthy, that’s all that matters,” Geralt’s partner reiterated, reaching into the bowl on Geralt’s lap.

“Jesus, Eskel, you sound like my Nonna.”

“That's no way to talk to your father,” Geralt smirked into his hand of popcorn

“You're no better,” Lambert took a swig from his beer, lips popping as he lowered the bottle. “I swear, you've turned into a couple of mother hens since you two got together. Quit fussing and watch the game.”

Geralt put his arm around Eskel’s shoulders, “We have gotten a little soft haven’t we?”

Eskel huffed out a laugh, “Probably. Hey, Lambert, don't fuck it up or I'll kick your ass into next week.”

“Thank you. See? Was that so hard?”

“Eh,” Eskel shrugged, helping himself to another handful of popcorn, “I stand by my original statement. Geralt agrees.”

“It's true,” he said between mouthfuls. “Essi’s a good woman. Smart, talented, kind, attractive.”

Eskel cleared his throat.

“Eskel, she is, it's just a statement of fact it doesn't mean that she doesn’t have other…”

“I know it doesn't but I still think you could bear to be a little more…”

“Funny thing,” Lambert interrupted, “I still can’t figure out how this smart, talented, kind, attractive woman’s number programmed itself into my phone. Because I may have been drunk the night we first met, but I have never in my life forgotten a successful number grab. Fess up, fellas. Who was it?”

Eskel’s eyes widened, “Geralt, you didn’t.”

“I… may have… helped Julian gain access to Lambert’s phone.”

“Unbelievable. The betrayal,” Lambert shook his head, eyes still on the game. “If only there was some way to square things up…”

“You charged everything to my company card, didn’t you?”

“First two dates and a fresh pair of pants. Thanks, bud.” Geralt accepted a pat on the back as Eskel began gently but sternly berating him.

Lambert shook his head, smirking as he took another swig of beer, leaving the two lovebirds to bicker amongst themselves. His hip pocket buzzed and he checked his phone: Essi.

Next Wednesday? Pizza and a movie? Still can't believe you haven't seen Ocean’s Eleven.

Yeah, okay, fine. Jeez :P 7:30 my place? I'll provide beverages.

If by ‘beverages’ you mean watery beer…

Fuck off, I'll get the good stuff. Unless you prefer Arbor Mist or some shit.

*gasps* I am offended! (but also it's delicious)

*sigh* do you want me to get you some?

*turtles into hoodie* ...peach or cherry pls?

Haha okay, fine, I'll get a bottle. Can't promise I won't judge you forever, though ;)

It's okay, I deserve it. g2g, see you tomorrow! xox

***

Lambert groaned contentedly, massaging his stomach as he sprawled back on his aging brown sofa, long legs resting habitually on the coffee table. The now-empty pizza box lay abandoned on the far edge, accompanied by four empty beer bottles, and a nearly-empty, unfavourably warm Peach Arbor Mist. The toilet flushed and Essi emerged. Her dark gold hair had long ago been pulled into a messy bun, but her indigo skinny jeans had been replaced by soft-looking grey leggings.

Lambert shook his head in amusement as she settled back next to him on the couch, "I still can't believe you brought your own lounge pants"

"That's because I'm a genius," she quipped, crossing her legs and adjusting the height of her waistband. "Besides, when else will I have the opportunity to actually be comfortable during a date?"

"You took your bra off, too, didn't you?" Lambert asked without missing a beat, eyes never leaving the screen.

"Yup!" Essi confirmed, her sparkling blue eyes glinting with joy as she raised her glass to her lips.

The movie continued as the new friends settled into comfortable silence, their food-drowsy, alcohol-fuzzy states lulling them into a new level of comfortability around each other. Legs fell asleep, positions were adjusted, and shoulders leaned on as the two sought maximum comfort for minimum effort. Soon, an arm was around Essi's shoulder as she settled her cheek on a comfortable spot on Lambert's chest.

"You good?" Lambert asked, only half-irritated at her seemingly endless search for the perfect angle.

"I'm sorry, I thought I'd found a good spot, but..." A few more adjustments of her head and Lambert couldn't take it anymore.

"Jesus, woman, here. Get up for a sec."

Essi sat up as Lambert rearranged himself into a sort of semi-recline with one foot on the floor so his other leg could make room for the tiny pain-in-the-ass that was taking up the rest of the couch space. At his invitation, she wriggled up to the crook of his arm and quickly settled in. Lambert hadn't really thought about what they were doing. Not when Essi had harmlessly leaned against his arm; not when their weight settled into each other; not when Lambert had put his arm around her; not even as he was rearranging to get to where they were now. It had all just... happened. Now, though, with Essi lying still, Lambert felt the weight and warmth of her body shifting gently against his, and it dawned on him that this had the potential to be, well, weird.

But the strange thing was, it didn't feel weird. He'd fucking cuddled before, but there was always a sense of holding back, a tension in his body, being on the lookout for signals from the other person to move onto the Next Step. But now, he actually felt comfortable. There wasn't anything that was supposed to happen after this. Nobody was asking anything of him, no one sending signals he could pick up on but never read properly, no sinking feelings of dread as the other person moved in for a kiss that always felt too soon. Essi was just there, breathing, content. And Lambert was relaxed.

The woman half-on top of him gave a twitch as the credits started to roll, and Lambert let out a private laugh, "Hey, Sleeping Beauty, show's over."

Essi inhaled heavily through her nose and lifted herself up, "Hmmm?"

"Movie's over."

"Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry!" she sat and rubbed her eyes, taking a sip of water to rinse the stale taste from her mouth.

"Eh, only a little." Lambert exited Netflix and tossed the remote back on to the table. "Thought you might wanna start heading home before it gets too late."

Essi nodded in response as she grabbed the pizza box and brought it to the kitchen trash, leaving Lambert to bring the empties.

"You going to finish this atrocity of a beverage?" Lambert waggled the near-empty wine bottle at Essi as he passed on his way to the sink. She merely scowled and shook her head, letting him pour it down the drain 'where it belonged anyway'.

Essi gathered her things and met Lambert by his front door, checking her pockets for her phone and keys one last time before putting her shoes on.

"You okay to walk? Want me to come with?"

It was only 10:30 on a weeknight, and she appreciated the gesture all the same, but it was fine to walk. "Thanks, though. And thank you for tonight. I really needed to get out of the house. I hope, um..."

She trailed off, not sure how to ask. She didn't have the same physical boundaries that most others seemed to have. She was affectionate—often overly so, and it had led to more than a few misunderstandings in the past. She didn't want Lambert to feel as though she had ulterior motives when the simple fact of the matter was that she hadn't really been thinking. Between the instant relief of not actually being on a date and Lambert's easy manner all evening, she'd forgotten that most friendships didn’t generally involve that much physical contact. Would Lambert be confused now? Thinking they were onto something more than friendship? Had he been wanting more? Had she pushed past a point of no return and doomed their friendship?

She inhaled, "Were you comfortable tonight?"

For a split second, Lambert flailed, wondering whether he’d made her uncomfortable. Fuck, she'd seemed comfortable, if anything it felt like he’d been following her lead but maybe...

"I—yeah. That was, I enjoyed that. Were... were you not—?"

Essi smiled and Lambert relaxed again, "No, I was. I wanted to ask in case, that's all. Boundaries and all that. I'll text you when I'm home."

Lambert opened the door and waved her off toward the elevator, "'Kay. 'Night!"

The door clicked shut.

Okay, alright. Fine. Did they cuddle? Yes. Did he enjoy it? Fuck yes. He absolutely didn’t care what anyone might think about how he chose to enjoy his time with other people. However, this didn’t stop him from acknowledging that he was in uncharted friendship territory. More than anything, he was worried about how Essi really felt. Of course, she had no reason not to be honest with him. But the last thing he wanted to do was play fast and loose with someone’s emotions, especially not a friend, and definitely not one as close as Essi. Time would tell. As Lambert’s head hit the pillow, the memory of her warmth and weight settled over him again, and he slept soundly for the first time in months.

***

“Yes Poppet, but have you slept together yet? Honestly, you’ve been dating for almost three weeks now, what could you possibly be waiting for?”

Oh, I don’t know, hell to freeze over? You to mind your own business? Whichever comes first…

“I mean, you clearly adore one another, I’ve never seen you happier. What’s there to lose?’”

Essi scoffed.

Julian placed his hands on her shoulders, “I know it’s been a while for you, but I think you can afford to let yourself go a little, have some fun, hm? Besides, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later if you’re sexually incompatible.”

She took a deep breath, “That’s a very good point, Julian, I’ll think about that.” The dating act was starting to wear a little thin, but it was worth not having to explain to anyone that they weren’t doing exactly what it looked like they were doing.

Julian took time to give his cousin a scrutinizing look, “Well, by the look of things it won’t be long anyway. If you spend all of your time together as tangled up as you were the other night when I came over, it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Just trust your gut, and when in doubt, a little hint never goes awry.”

Needless to say, Essi more or less ignored her cousin’s advice.

As the weeks stretched on, it became evident that they were quickly becoming what most people would consider to be more than friends. The first time they pulled the covers back and climbed into bed, each on their half of the mattress, they were aware that yet another boundary of friendship had been pushed a little farther into the grey zone. But, they woke up the next morning feeling happy, content, and refreshed, and surely there was nothing wrong with two people sharing a comfortable bed. Essi had woken up with crust in her eyes and her nightgown bunched around her waist. Lambert had woken up with morning wood and his hair a mess. Neither of them cared. People wake up in the morning, big deal.

Still, it didn’t stop the questioning that oscillated in the background of Lambert’s mind. Was he unknowingly leading Essi on by allowing her so much closeness without a clearly defined relationship? She’d made her own disinterest clear enough on their first “date”, but feelings change over time. What she’d told him three weeks ago might not be true anymore…

And then there was that soft warm tingle in the middle of his chest every time she lay her head in his lap, every time he ran his fingers through her hair. He knew he wasn't in love. Not that he was an expert, but what was all that "when you know, you know" bullshit if he couldn’t trust his own feelings? He loved her, sure, but more like a... not a sister, that would be weird. He didn't know what like. Whatever. Fuck it. Eskel had said it best three weeks ago: “As long as you're happy and everything’s healthy, that’s all that matters.” Yeah, sure. We’ll stick with that.

As far as Lambert and Essi were concerned, it was what it was, and whatever it was was working… wasn’t it?

***

"Fuckin' finally!"

The door to Essi's apartment clicked closed as the tenant wilted against it, emitting an exhausted groan, "Two. Hours. It took me two hours to get home!" She toed off her penny loafers and abandoned her purse and jacket in a pile by the front door, ignoring the hook three inches to her left. She flopped heavily onto her living room carpet.

"I see you found my spare key," she added, not at all surprised that Lambert had managed to let himself in.

"Yeah, you should probably put that in a less obvious spot," he answered, crossing to the door to hang her things up. "So, I see it's a lying on the floor kind of evening. Can I interest you in a drink to start? Vodka pairs well with the general vibe of Done-With-This-Shit, or we also have tequila if you feel like shouting out the window after a couple shots. Alternatively, there's gin if you want to cry later."

Essi smiled with her eyes closed, feeling her body slowly relaxing into the spongy throw rug underneath her, "You know me so well."

"Vodka?"

"Vodka. Euch, I need to vacuum!," Essi peeled herself to a seated position as clinks and clatters began in the kitchen. She hopped in the shower to rinse the day off, and after a few minutes, there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Yeeees?" she called, playfully.

"Drink delivery!" Lambert hollered back, "you want this now or later?"

"Why are you so good to me?"

There was a draught of cool air as Lambert opened the bathroom door, "Because you only marginally annoy me. Here," he passed his hand between the shower wall and the opaque fish-scale-patterned curtain. "What's on the docket for tonight?"

Essi groaned, "I don't know, I'm sorry. I used all my brain cells trying not to murder people on the streetcar."

"Okay," Lambert sat on the lidded toilet, "here's the thing. I kinda maybe figured that might be the case so I kinda maybe picked up a few things to make dinner."

A shampoo-piled head poked out from behind the curtain, "You're kidding."

"Nuh-uh."

"I love you."

Lambert chuckled, "Yeah, you're alright. Come on, hurry up, this bathroom's a fuckin’ sauna, and I don’t want the croutons to get soggy." Essi burbled an answer about conditioner and almost done, and Lambert took that as his cue to leave.

Dinner was simple: pan fried Salmon with crispy skin (delicate and buttery on the inside); wax beans in butter (tender and not overcooked); grilled brussels sprouts (just beginning to brown on the edges); and a fresh caesar salad. Everything done to perfection. Full, content, and ready to take their relaxation to the next step they settled themselves on Essi’s blue-grey sectional to begin the arduous task of deciding what to watch.

This was proving particularly difficult with the addition of Essi's caveat that whatever they chose not be "too plot-heavy" which so far had included Masterchef, an interior design show, and program about shepherding in the Orkneys.

"Sweetheart, you gotta give me some slack here. I thought I was on track with the sheep!"

"I know, I'm sorry!" Essi muffled into his shirt sleeve. "I do like animals..." She gasped loudly. "BLUE PLANET."

Lambert stopped the endless scrolling and pushed play as the soothing voice of David Attenborough filled the small living room.

"Hey! Why'd you pause it?"

Lambert was standing up, "If we're going to do this, then we're doing it right. Hang on."

Essi slumped on the sofa as the microwave kicked on. In a few minutes, there was popcorn in their laps and half a bottle of vodka on the table with an ice bucket and lemon wedges in a bowl. Lambert read off his phone screen.

"We will take a drink when:

-David says 'Extraordinary' -David uses a clear understatement such as 'But then again, living in an active volcano is not without its risks' -An animal is being eaten -An animal is mating -There is sped up footage of a plant growing."

"Oh no," Essi lamented, chewing her popcorn ungracefully, "I'm going to get so drunk."

"You got it, Goldilocks. Fill up."

And with that, they were off, taking it slow with their vodka twists, but nonetheless feeling the warm buzz start to tingle under their skin. The box of microwave popcorn was empty by halfway through, and the remains of Essi's exhaustion had almost dispersed entirely.

"Ooh! Understatement! Drink!!"

By ten o’clock, pink-cheeked and feeling boisterous, they had finished with their favourite parts of Blue Planet, or at least the ones they had patience for, and had moved on to Planet Earth II.

“Holy fuck, that’s a lot of snakes—Go, you little fucker! Go!”

The drama on the screen had caused the two to separate from one another while Lambert invested himself in the success of the small lizard. Once the baby Galapagos Iguana had made it to safety, they were once again able to recline without Essi risking an elbow to the face.

She bundled against him, scooting farther between his legs where he leaned in the corner of the sectional. He gathered her hair and draped it over her left shoulder so it wouldn't get caught in his buttons—they'd learned that the hard way. It was still damp, cool to the touch, and smelled like verbena sea salt shampoo. He felt a pulse of affection ripple through him as her weight resettled. He loved that feeling. It had taken some time to get used to it. But now it was high on his list of favourite things. He was happy. And it was healthy. And that really was all that mattered.

Right?

Eskel’s words turned themselves around again in his mind as he wrapped his arm around the front of Essi’s shoulders. He let himself indulge in the texture of her cotton knit nightshirt under his fingers. He relished in the peace of mind at being able to just be there with someone who meant something to him and made absolutely no demands. He let himself relax.

Essi felt a kiss land on the top of her head with a playful, "Muwah!"

She giggled quietly, "Thank you!" Then, upon further thought… Did he want to kiss her? Her mind did a double take as she tried to get on top of the ball.

It wasn’t impossible. They were close after all, and she wasn’t opposed to the idea. She’d recently found herself in a balancing act of realizing she could, in theory, have a deeper kind of feeling for Lambert. Only if, for whatever reason, it turned out he felt the same way. These weren’t the helpless uncontrollable feelings of ride-or-die infatuation; they were malleable, translatable, general feelings of affection and fondness that belonged in any number of different relationships and dynamics.

No sense risking it, she thought. They'd found a liminal space of comfort and safety that she'd never experienced with anyone else before, and if the options were between being a little confused and ruining everything, the choice was an easy one. Then again, if Lambert was developing feelings for her, she didn’t want to miss an opportunity. Shit. Her cheeks burned as she felt the question rise closer to her lips.

"Lambert?" she sat up abruptly and turned to her friend who was still moulded into the corner of the couch, watching the mating rituals of exotic birds with bewildered skepticism.

He jolted at Essi’s sudden movement, "Hello, yes."

Her bright blue eyes were now slightly unfocused, "Do you—? Nevermind." She lay back against him, suddenly skittish..

"Mm, nah, try again," he said, sluggishly. "What’s up, buttercup?"

She swayed a little when she sat up, "Are you happy with what we are?"

Lambert blinked, caught slightly off-guard. The question was easy enough to answer, "Yeah! I mean I don’t know what the fuck we are, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. Shit, why? Are you not? I can be less… whatever. Or… more?" It wasn’t like he was repulsed by the idea of anything else happening between them—in theory it was a possibility. In practice, however...

Essi put an emphatic hand on Lambert’s knee, her glassy eyes going wide, "Do you want more?"

"What? No! I dunno, I—maybe. I haven’t really thought about it. I mean…” Lambert searched Essi’s face for any clue that might help him know how to proceed, “I don’t not want anything else. Fuck, I don’t know! I’m used to doing things the other way around. You know the drill: uncomfortable date, smoosh faces together, have sex, hope feelings fall out. Lather-rinse-repeat. I dunno, do we have to… But what if we try something and...? I don’t wanna lose this."

Essi leaned in close and whispered, “I have an idea.”

"Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?"

"We should kiss."

Lambert nearly swallowed an ice cube, "What?!"

"Just once. Quickly. Just... in case."

"You want me, Lambert, to kiss you, Essi Daven, on the lips."

She nodded sincerely, "For science."

There was a brief pause during which Essi felt the beginnings of panic brewing in her stomach, but by the time she'd finished grappling with potential consequences, Lambert was filling their glasses.

"Alright. Fine. My friend wants me to kiss her for science? Fuck it. I'll drink to that."

They downed their drinks and squared up, knee to knee on the edge of the sofa as they each prepared for their best form—or as good as they could offer given the circumstances. They counted down, 3-2-1...

The kiss was quick, over as soon as it had begun, and both friends pulled away with questioning looks. Inconclusive. They tried again for a little longer, still returning with the same quizzical expressions. They went in for a third time, committing more thoroughly, and for a brief moment it seemed they might have found the semblance of a spark. But it didn’t build. It felt… fine? But no different than if they were lying together on the sofa. It was just another thing they were doing. They each tried to find the right word for what they were feeling, but were soon distracted by the oddness of it all.

Essi started to giggle. Less than a second later, Lambert joined her, and they both pulled away, thoroughly satisfied that their experiment had yielded a strong No on the subject of More. There was a dull thud as Essi slid from the couch and onto the floor, still holding her drink in one hand and laughing hysterically.

Lambert sighed and shook his head, "I think it’s time we got you to bed."

Headaches and dry mouths greeted the two friends the next morning when they blinked awake. Essi’s hair was a cotton-candy mess, having still been slightly damp when Lambert put her to bed. The brunet himself didn’t look much different from his usual scruffy state as he gathered Essi up in an armful of duvet and squeezed tight.

“Gods, Lambert, I still need to breathe,” Essi chuckled, pressing her back into his chest.

“You’ll get over it,” he teased and self-indulgently nuzzled even closer. “You feeling alright? I mean, aside from the hangover. About last night?”

“Oh no,” Essi groaned, “I’m so sorry, Lambert. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just—you kissed my head and then that got me wondering about whether you might want something else, and then I didn’t really know what was happening and—”

“Hey, easy on the rambling, okay, I’m running on limited brain cells, here. Look,” Lambert sat up to find those big blue eyes, now shining brightly, “I have no idea what the fuck this is that we’ve got going on, but I like it fine just the way it is.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And we can keep talking about that. Just, you know, maybe next time something’s on your mind, don’t wait ‘til we’re wasted at 2am?”

“Okay, deal. Can we go get bacon now?”

Lambert chuckled, “Yeah, alright, fine. Make me put pants on, I see how it is.”

Their conversation continued over strong coffee and eggs benedicts. Between their check-in that morning and everything that had happened the previous night, it was well-established that they were perfectly happy where they were. Rather, the main topic of conversation was their growing desire to level with their friends about the nature of their relationship. Eskel and Geralt, they both agreed, would be the easiest—Lambert could tell them that evening. Julian and Essi’s friends on the other hand would be a little more difficult.

Telling Julian together would be best, Essi thought. He was bound to have questions, and if both she and Lambert were there to answer them definitively and explain that no, they didn’t have secret feelings for one another; and yes, they really were just friends and not at all interested in exploring the relationship further thank you very much. Exactly when this discussion with Julian would occur still wasn’t clear. Realistically, they could pick any time, but they decided to wait until Lambert could tell the Old Men. At least then they were assured some less invasive support.

Their reaction was easy enough to predict: Eskel reassuringly repeated his standby “As long as you’re both happy with things…” and twirled a forkful of pasta; Geralt tilted his head thoughtfully and said, “That sounds very nice. I’m happy for you.” Lambert had expected mild disapproval, concern that they were deviating too far from the norm and into a complex dynamic that would be too messy to manage. Instead, Geralt simply said it ‘sounded very nice.’ Lambert smiled into the open refrigerator on his way to get a beer.

The following weekend was Julian’s birthday, and, as per their annual tradition, the group all gathered on Friday evening at the birthday boy’s favourite restaurant—Vegelbud’s. The two decided to tell him the week after his birthday so as not to detract from his Big 3-0. Just one more week, and it would all be in the open. Easy breasy.

The afternoon of the dinner, Eskel and Geralt received a group text: Haven’t told Julian the details yet. Keep the beans to yourselves please (I’m looking at you, @Eskel).

“Why me?” Eskel turned to Geralt over his paperwork, looking a little hurt.

Geralt chuckled, “You have a slight tendency to overshare when you want to be supportive.”

“I do?” He turned on the bar stool to follow his partner on the way upstairs.

“It’s not a bad thing, but…” Geralt sighed, “Lambert has always needed to feel in control of situations like this. He doesn’t want one of us bringing this up before he’s ready to talk about it, especially in a public place, you know how he gets when he feels cornered. And Julian is Essi’s cousin…”

Eskel raised a hand, “You’re right, you’re right. All points taken. Are you showering?”

Geralt smirked as he headed for the stairs, “Come on then.”

Four hours later and halfway through dinner, everything had gone swimmingly. The food had been expectedly delicious, the company and conversation excellent, and so far no one had felt the need to bring up Essi and Lambert’s relationship on any level. That is until Julian got a few drinks under his belt, and decided it was time to document the occasion. Geralt and Eskel were the first victims.

“Aww just look at you two! So in love, so vivacious and full of adoration,” Julian held up his phone as Geralt touched the side of his head to Eskel’s. Beep-Chk! A perfect image of a happy couple was captured and posted to Instagram (#julianturns30 #dinneratvagelbuds #dinnerout #cutiesofinstagram #favoriteotp #gaycouplesofinstagram #livelaughlove…). There were a few more photos of the three of them together, the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake with the candle in it, a group shot taken by the waiter. It was all so close to being over, Essi could practically taste the refuge of the streetcar.

"Come on, lovebirds, show us a smooch!" Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Essi’s stomach lurched and she felt her cheeks start to warm. Lambert’s hand landed gently on her knee under the table, his fingers pressing firmly into her leg as she desperately tried to think of something to say.

"Oh, um..."

Across the table, Geralt and Eskel shared a wordless communication: de-escalate, distract, redirect.

“You’ll want to eat that cheesecake before it gets warm” Geralt offered. “I hear it’s so light it’ll disintegrate in a heartbeat.” Eskel nodded in encouragement, taking a bite of his own.

“I know, I know,” Julian shrugged, “Just a quick one. Say Cheese!”

"Not right now, Julian," Essi tilted her head, her eyes flashing a little.

"Oh come on, Poppet! I know you don't like PDA, it's just one little picture--"

“Don’t call me Poppet.”

Eskel cleared his throat loudly, "Doesn't seem they're that keen on it. Maybe let's try for one another time."

"It's past your one-month-a-versary, let everyone see how in love you are."

"Julian," Geralt growled, "leave it."

Julian covered his mouth in alarm, "I’m so sorry, have you not used that word yet? I didn’t mean anything by it, I just want the world to see how happy my beautiful cousin is!"

“Really Julian, it’s not necessary we—” Essi’s fingernails were starting to dig into Lambert’s palm from the sheer effort of maintaining composure. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to cry or disappear, and with neither of those being an option, it seemed the only possible escape was for them to kiss. They’d done it before. No big deal. It would feel off, but they’d just go back to her place and drink about it after.

“Essi, what’s the matter with you, it’s just one little picture, and we all know you’re not camera-shy. On three, ready? One, two…”

"For fuck's sake we're not dating!"

The table all silently turned their attention to Essi whose cheeks had been turning progressively redder.

“What?” Her cousin laughed incredulously.

“We’re not a couple, Julian. We’re friends. We have been from the beginning, but we didn’t want to tell you because we knew you wouldn’t fucking leave us alone until you could boast about having set us up.”

Lambert shared a brief look with Eskel before lowering his eyes to the tablecloth, his hand still firmly clutched in Essi’s.

Julian gaped, “So, it was all… the cuddling, the laughing, that time I came over and you were asleep on the couch, that was all… a ruse?”

“No, Julian, that was real. I told you, we’re friends.”

“That’s not friends! Since when have friends watched a movie half-on-top of each other?”

“Two people can enjoy each other's company lying flat, Julian,” Eskel’s rich voice interjected across the table and the discussion ground to a halt.

Geralt shrugged with his tea at his lips, “It is the twenty-first century after all.”

Julian’s cornflower blue eyes flitted back and forth between the two friends, utterly bewildered. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well what with your complete and utter invasion of privacy for the sake of hooking us up, we didn’t necessarily trust you to believe us,” Essi answered curtly, her hand shaking slightly.

“Poppet, you could have just told me—”

“Stop. Calling me that. And I did tell you, Julian!” she exploded. “I told you the first day I moved here. The first. Day. I said, ‘Julian, I think I want to take a break from dating until I’ve been settled for a year.’ And what did you do? Conspired with my well-meaning former mentor to hook me up with someone I had one good conversation with at a Christmas party. And do you know what? We are happy. But we’re happy in our own way. And maybe our boundaries with each other seem a little strange to you, but we’re not fooling ourselves. We don’t want to kiss each other, we don’t want to have sex, and we don’t want a relationship. And even though it’s absolutely none of your damn business, I’ll tell you anyway: we’ve talked about it. All of it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t think I want to be here anymore.”

The chair legs scraped against the floor of the restaurant as Essi stood to leave, throwing her purse over her shoulder as she went. Lambert looked hesitantly around the table, “I should probably, you know…” He gestured after Essi with his thumb. Eskel gave Lambert the go ahead and he quickly stood to follow his friend out of the restaurant, leaving a very stunned Julian with the other two. He found her perched on the parking barrier in the small lot to the left of the front doors. He called to her and she looked up. Eyes shining, mascara running...

“Ah shit, you know I’m no good with this kind of thing.”

“I’m sorry, Lambert, I just—” she blew her nose, “—he just wouldn’t stop and I didn’t know what to do or say, and it all just came pouring out. I didn’t want it to. The whole time I was begging myself to stop, but I just couldn’t, it’s been bottled up for so long and-and—but it’s his birthday, and—oh, he must feel so awful! I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but—and with Eskel and Geralt there too! They must think I’m horrible! I’m so sorry, Lambert, I didn’t want it to be like this, I wanted to have him over and sit him down and be patient, and instead I’ve just made a complete mess of things. And on his birthday! It’s his birthday, oh God, this is the worst thing I could have done.” Essi choked back bitter tears as she tried desperately to stem the flow with her soggy tissue, “Are you upset with me, Lambert? If you are, I understand. Maybe we should take a break of some kind, you know. Not see each other for a while and—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there. Look, I’m probably not going to say any of the right stuff here, but I am absolutely not upset with you. You got that? And for what it’s worth, I don’t think us taking a break from spending time together is going to do anything. Unless you’re looking to punish yourself by taking away a nice thing which, okay. But the fact that you’re willing to ditch me instead of Arbor Mist says something about our friendship I’m not too pleased with.”

Essi turned her wide, pleading, bloodshot eyes to Lambert who cracked a smile, “Jesus, I’m kidding! You adorable fucking mess, c’mere.” He pulled his petite friend into a hug and rested his chin on the top of her head until she quieted down. Neither of them was quite sure how much time had gone by, but Essi found herself wishing it had been long enough for everyone to have gone home so she didn’t have to face whatever aftermath she’d left behind.

Meanwhile, Eskel and Geralt had settled the bill and offered to give Julian a lift back to their place for a night cap, not wanting to leave the evening on such an unsettled note. Essi needed space, and whatever company she needed, Lambert was clearly capable of providing. It was for the best, they suggested, and dissuaded Julian from trying to call her.

“Best to sleep on things,” Geralt said, tucking his card back into his wallet and giving the waiter a nod in gratitude. “We can meet for coffee this weekend and sort this out. For now, just let her cool down.”

Eskel clapped Julian encouragingly on the shoulder as they made their way into the damp summer night air. As they turned into the parking lot, they came face-to-face with Essi and Lambert who had clearly just turned to come back inside. Both cousins looked like they had seen better days: Essi’s eyes were puffy and red, her cheeks blotchy and streaked with inky makeup stains; Julian was perhaps less dishevelled, but the dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced, his boyish features now dejectedly weighted down with remorse and hurt.

“Juian, I’m so sorry, I didn’t—”

Essi’s cousin raised his hand, “Don’t. Please don’t. Essi, I am so, so sorry. I never meant to push you like that, I didn't realize... you both have been so happy this last month and—"

"It's okay, really, we can talk about this all another time. I'm just so sorry I ruined your birthday. We wanted to sit down with you and talk properly but..." Essi's tears welled up again, and Julian smiled weakly.

"But we both did what we always do?"

She sniffed, nodding emphatically with a tearful, "Yeah.” Julian pulled his cousin into a fond embrace while the other three clumped together to watch the reconciliation.

“Oh! Here,” Essi reached into her purse and pulled out a small, neatly-wrapped box. “Happy birthday!”

Julian opened his gift without a second thought, his face brightening instantly. The box contained a set of premium ultra-light guitar strings and a pair of concert tickets. The perfect gift. Overwhelmed with gratitude, and the atmosphere having been recovered, Julian suggested they all attend brunch together that Sunday morning, his treat by way of apology. Geralt offered to split the bill as a peace offering for his part in the initial setup, and the five made a date.

A fresh start, a promise of spending time together with fewer secrets and, Julian conceded, a few more boundaries.

#witcher rarepair summer bingo #wrsb #Platonic #queerplatonic #no romo #Geralt/Eskel #Essbert #Gereskel #Jaskier #Julian Alfred Pankratz #alcohol #drunkenness #Essi & Lambert #Essi Daven #Lambert

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floatingbook · 4 years

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Hey, I literally love all your eassys about womanhood. They are best! I have been following them for some time. But I was wondering if I may ask advice? I’m a gnc woman, bi and chubby. I want to dress more masc but everytimeI look for inspiration its always thin women, with small breasts that really give off that tomboy/androgynous look. I’m black and I follow other black masc women or studs on IG but most to all of them are small and fit that look so good. Sigh. I’m curvy with big breasts, I want to look like them and be confident but everytimeI try I look in the mirror and just feel like I’m not thin enough to pull off this. May I please have some advice sister? Thank you💕💕💕

Dear anonymous sister, first of all thank you for the love! I’m glad you find something of use in these essays. Regarding my advice on your issue, your problem is twofold: how to “dress more masc” as a woman, and comparing yourself to thin women.

When it comes to dressing masculine as a woman, what you are really trying to do is in fact to dress less feminine*. What would be the hallmarks of femininity when it comes to dressing? High heels, restrictive or tight clothing, short skirts, tops revealing cleavage, thin fabrics, easily thorn or damaged clothes. On the contrary, clothes destined for men are often made of thicker fabric, less frilly, more functional, more adequately covering. So if you want to dress more neutral—and let’s talk about this in the positive even—if you want to dress more practical, allowing you a whole range of movement and a form of privacy and what visual access you give to other people regarding your body, you only have to find clothes that fit you (and by fit you I really mean fit you; especially when it comes to leaving room for your stomach to breathe!), in which you can move freely, and that will endure the passage of time.

And this is where we reach the second part of your initial question: clothes are made to protect you from the elements, i.e. keep you cold or warm, protect your skin from tearing or scratching, keep you from getting too wet, muddy or dusty. Their pragmatical point is not to make a statement as to your personality to people around you. Culturally, clothes have taken on that second function; but as women we benefit from recasting dressing as it was originally intended. You don’t need to be your own voyeur. Yes, some women, and especially some thin women, are very, very good-looking in what we would call masculine attire. But that doesn’t mean that you have to look cute or handsome to be allowed to wear this kind of clothes! I urge you to relax your own perception of yourself. You don’t have to look good. You simply don’t. I’m curvy with big breasts too, and my usual wear in autumn is a tee-shirt, flannel on top, a pair of jeans with suspenders and a pair of flat leather boots. Might I look good to some lesbians who have rejected common beauty stereotypes? Perhaps, once in a blue moon. Does it matter? No, because my clothes keep me dry. My jean is high-waisted and I tuck in the flannel, it hides nothing of my chubby stomach; my flannel strains a little and gaps around my breasts, what can I do about it? (Starve myself is not the answer to that rhetorical question). I don’t look like a model; I’m alive. You don’t need to “look like them” to be fine; there is nothing to pull off. I know that this kind of reasoning, oh-will-i-look-good/thin/palatable-enough, has been pushed on us since our birth, but you will be perfectly okay if you abandon it.

Some people might accuse you of letting yourself go, tell you that your style of clothes “doesn’t fit (flatter) you (your body type)”; they are stuck with the cult of feminine beauty and you should not let their opinions govern your life. I’m also well aware of how tempting it can be to try and emulate women we find beautiful or inspiring, but an equally interesting reaction would be to appreciate their beauty and looks (good for them, they look nice) and then go on our merry way. You don’t have to become everything you find admirable!

If you find it hard to detach yourself from judging yourself not thin enough to wear the clothes you like, I’d suggest reducing your exposure to social media like instagram, which give you a skewered perspective, or at least look for women that have a body type that ressembles yours. I’ve outlined what you should be looking for in terms of recasting perspectives to relax yourself around wearing the clothes that inspire you, but don’t get discouraged because it will take you time to let yourself exist. Please remember that I’m rooting for you, and don’t hesitate to reach out again or ask for clarifications.

* Feminine is here being used as an adjective to qualify something exhibiting qualities attached to the stereotypical expression of femininity, which is a cage for women.

#anonymous #on clothing #dressing masculine #comparing yourself to other women #i'm not sure that i made all the points that i wanted to make here #because late and tired #but i will revisit this subject again this week-end #so check again sister #i might have some additional insight for you

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yuminsung · 4 years

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NCT 2020: SYNERGY (my wishes for an album)

I was positive we were getting an NCT 2020 comeback at the start of the year, however now I have realised I am a clown. So, instead, I have spent longer than I should’ve creating an album filled with stuff that I would like to see.

I want to preface this with the fact that I have no qualifications in anything related to music / album design / production or anything like that, this is just based on my opinions as a fan of music and NCT.

I’m gonna split this into 4 sections to kinda separate my thoughts, and so it’s easier to navigate.

1. TITLE

NCT 2018s album is titled EMPATHY, the definition of this being “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. I think SM chose this to reflect how NCT 2018 was an amalgamation of 127, DREAM, and U. I wanted to try and keep this theme for NCT 2020, though expand on it due to the addition of WAYV.

SYNERGY is defined as “the combined power of a group when they are working together, that is greater than the total power achieved by each working separately”. To be honest, I think the word ‘synergy’ perfectly sums up NCT’s concept of sub-units, so it would be a good choice for NCT 2020s album’s title due to its meaning as well as its similarity to ‘empathy’ sound-wise.

2. ALBUM COVER

The album cover for EMPATHY was very bright, like all the colours of the rainbow, but still very minimalistic and kinda futuristic? The NCT vibe. I think their second album would suit a slightly more mature design, and as I have no talent in design, I’m going to use existing album covers to give an idea of what i think would work well.

If SM was to go down the route of a similar album cover, I think the best example is the 1975′s newest album:

It still has the text elements that were prominent on EMPATHY’s cover, while being more minimalistic in colour (aside from the yellow side panel which would theoretically be bright neobong green).

If they were to go along a different route to EMPATHY, I think this album cover by Paris Jones could work well for NCT 2020:

If the background surface was black, a polaroid of all 21 members could be a simple but effective album cover.

In terms of promotional photos, this scene from the WAYV ‘Regular’ MV is my first thought:

Photos taken on a set like this, with all the members dotted about the room and maybe the album title + members’ names repeated across the screens could work well to give off the futuristic NCT vibe.

3. TITLE TRACK / CONCEPT

I can’t create a whole album’s worth of songs, so for the next two sections all the songs mentioned are going to be from existing artists. I’m not trying in anyway to suggest that “NCT would do it better” or that NCT should release the exact songs mentioned - I’m just using these songs to represent the styles I would like to see NCT explore.

Title Track: GETTING CLOSER - SEVENTEEN

I think SVT are a really good example of having a lot of members that all have the opportunity to shine. Getting Closer is that bitch, like the line distribution is spot-on and the choreography is one of my all-time favourites.

Black on Black was mainly instrumental to highlight the performance ability of NCT 2018. Getting Closer is reminiscent of BoB in its powerful nature, but would be able to show NCT 2018′s growth into NCT 2020, with further vocal / rap capabilities showcased alongside the previously established performance talent.

The concepts of BoB and Getting Closer are already similar, so this wouldn’t be anything out of NCT’s / SM’s comfort zone, and would also work towards establishing a dark & powerful ‘brand’ for when all sub-units perform together as one.

Special Stage: UH-OH - (G)-IDLE

I would like to see NCT 2020 do something a little bit different than ‘powerful’ for the special stage. Uh-Oh has a really chilled kinda west-coast vibe that I think NCT are yet to fully explore in any sub-unit but could absolutely pull off. It would be a stage where they could genuinely have fun performing all together.

I imagine the stage being done in a way similar to Growl by EXO in that certain groups of members come onto the stage for different verses, then all come on together for the final chorus.

The styling for Uh-Oh is kinda summer streetwear. The best equivalent I’ve found for a boy group in this style is ATEEZ Wave era.

This shows kinda how I think the styling for this stage should be, in particular Jongho, Yunho, and Mingi. Just think lots of colour, street brands, and denim.

Getting Closer and Uh-Oh are the only songs on the album where I’ve put all 21 members on the same track.

4. TRACKLIST

I have no talent when it comes to album design / composition or anything like that, but I tried to create a sort of theme / flow between the songs I picked for the album. NCT songs I’d liken the overall theme to are ‘Love Song’ from Neo Zone, ‘Love Again’ from Reload, and ‘YESTODAY’ from Empathy.

I’ve used an intro, interlude, and outro to show progression of NCT 2020 through the album, with these 3 songs getting more upbeat one by one. Though extremely cringey, I guess I was trying to emulate them growing happier through being together as a group.

Aside from the two tracks mentioned above that feature all members, the rest of the songs are split into sub-units, whether it be pre-existing unofficial units within NCT or a selection of members I think suit the style of a certain song. I have not included any official NCT sub-units on this album, as that was done in EMPATHY. I’d like this to be one big NCT U album, where we get the members in combinations we’d otherwise never get to hear performing together.

The Tracklist:

INTRO: The Unknown Guest (DEAN)

Members: Xiaojun

Xiaojun is a beyond amazing singer (he is my joint favourite vocalist in NCT). This song has an old feel, it’s almost haunting, and I really think Xiaojun’s voice would suit such a song perfectly. Xiaojun performing an intro of this style alone would open the album well and give him the time to shine he deserves !

Track 1: Getting Closer (SVT)

Members: All

(Explained above)

Track 2: CHILLI (SVT)

Members: Rap Line (Taeyong, Johnny*, WinWin*, Lucas, Mark, Hendery, Jaemin, YangYang, Jeno, Jisung*)

I might have completely forgotten some songs but I don’t think NCT have ever released a rap-heavy song of this style. I would love to see them do a rap song with this sort of relaxed vibe - it would show off diversity in their rapping abilities and would be a fun concept to see.

*I know Johnny, WinWin, and Jisung are in both the vocal and rap lines, but I’ve chosen to include them on the rap line track rather than the vocal line track as I think they suit the vibe of this track better than the vocal track. Plus, it would give the three of them more lines (god knows they need them) if they were on this track rather than with the vocal line :)

Track 3: Uh Oh (G-IDLE)

Members: All

(Explained above)

Track 4: The Truth Untold (BTS)

Members: Vocal Line (Taeil, Yuta, Doyoung, Kun, Ten, Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Xiaojun, Renjun, Haechan, Chenle)

Although NCT has released ballads before, I would love to hear members from different subunits singing together. Like, imagine Renjun, Xiaojun, and Jungwoo on the SAME track - the power. Taeil and Chenle harmonising? Iconic.

Track 5: Spotlight (1the9)

Members: Foreign Swaggers / English-Speaking Line (Johnny, Ten, Jaehyun, Hendery, Xiaojun, Mark, YangYang)

I know Xiaojun, Hendery, and YangYang aren’t technically in the Foreign Swaggers, but I feel like spiritually they are. I wanna see 6 of them causing havoc while Jaehyun spectates (https://youtu.be/acsjfk4cz1U). A song with a playful vibe, not necessarily in English, would suit these members well.

INTERLUDE: Dayfly (DEAN)

Members: Taeil, Taeyong, Kun, Doyoung, Jungwoo

I don’t have any reasoning for why I’ve chosen these specific members for this song other than the fact I think the style suits them well. I think the 5 of them together on an interlude with a relaxed feel would just be a really calming break in the album.

Track 6: Vibe (1Team)

Members: Taeyong, Yuta, Jungwoo, Jeno, Jaemin, Haechan, Jisung

This is quite a broad range of members in terms of age but I don’t think that matters as each of their styles would suit a song like this. A relaxed style and structure similar to the one this song has would allow each of them to shine, as it’s nearly an equal split of rappers to vocalists.

Track 7: Retro Future (Triple H)

Members: Johnny, Ten

Baby Don’t Stop 2.0. I can just imagine these two singing a song like this and having so much fun. A JohnTen duet track is giving the gays (read @incorrectnct ) not only what they want, but what they deserve.

Track 8: Base Line (J-HOPE)

Members: 99 Line (Lucas, Mark, Hendery, Xiaojun)

The 99 line is 3/4 rappers so a song that is rap-heavy in style would best showcase their ability. We’ve heard Mark and Lucas together during EMPATHY era, and Lucas with Hendery and Xiaojun in WAYV, so I have no doubts the 4 would work together. Plus, rapper Xiaojun could be something that we don’t yet have but definitely need.

Track 9: Focus on Me (JUS2)

Members: 97 Line (Jaehyun, WinWin)

These two are made for a sexy concept like the style of this song, and their voices complement each-others’ so well. I always felt Jaehyun was one of the members of 127 WinWin was most comfortable around, so their existing chemistry would make a track together even better.

Track 10: Second Life (SVT)

Members: China Line (Kun, WinWin, Lucas, Hendery, Xiaojun, Renjun, YangYang, Chenle)

They have the range.

Track 11: New Rules (TXT)

Members: 00 Line (Haechan, Renjun, YangYang, Jaemin, Jeno)

A song with a fun feel to it like this is the only way to go for the 00 line. They are almost an even split of rappers and vocalists, so a song like this would allow each member to shine. I know any song with these 5 together would make me smile while listening to it.

OUTRO: Blue Side (J-HOPE)*

Members: Yuta

Imagine if SM gave Yuta his own solo track,, just kidding,,, unless? But for real, Yuta has managed to prove how talented an artist he is despite SM only giving him 2 lines and 8 seconds of screen time each comeback, so imagine how amazing a whole song by him would be.

*Song will be in Japanese.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I tried to split the members evenly between tracks, which I know is unrealistic but is what we want to see (SM please let Mark, Taeyong, and Haechan rest). I’m not sure if we’ll ever get another full group album, I’ve heard some people saying it will be NCT 2021 for 21 members, like the 18 members for NCT 2018. Regardless, making this made me feel happy thinking about the possible interactions and the songs that could come from it.

If you’ve made it this far thank you for sticking with my jumbled thought process. Please message me if you have any thoughts about anything in this post or just about NCT ot21 in general :)

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