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maladaptive-ninja-returns · 5 years

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Jealous (ITA Special)

Loki x Reader Avengers The Office AU (Slowwwwww Burn)

Season 2 Bonus Episode

Warnings: none.

Word Count: Jealous Loki was requested by anon. I don’t know who you are but let me tell you this. I practically wrote this with all my senses closed. Tight. Shut. Just wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and still kept writing even after I felt I was pretty tired. Don’t know what came over me. It just came out and spread all over here by the mere thought of not writing

MASTERLIST in bio, darlings. Tags are open (check bio)

The halls tonight were barely lit but Loki could see why there wasn't much need for the lights in here. The people present in Tony Stark's gala were enough to set the entire estate ablaze. No. Wait. Scratch that. Tony Stark alone was enough to set the Avenger's facility ablaze. The rest of the crowd? The rest of the crowd was just a bonus, adding twinkle effects to the star that was grabbing everyone's attention.

But as it went without saying, Loki himself was grabbing a lot of eyeballs, stares following the man who was looking dapper as the most delicious sin that ever walked in a human form on earth. Both men and women could not keep their eyes off this perfection surpassing Greek Gods- the ones that were supposed to be the epitome of perfection. A lady was even heard cursing 'oh fuck me' out loud as he passed her with a knowing smirk on his face, clearly making her suffer breathlessness for the next few minutes.

The music was quite well for his taste. Loki had to admit, if anyone knew how to party, it was Stark. No one made the best of entertainment like this man.

"Oh come on!" He heard a familiar voice gasp in his direction from the bar. "You really don't want me to win any bet against you, do you?"

Loki watched Scott reflect despair on his face as he gestured at the God with utter disappointment. "You were supposed to put in minimal effort, man. Do you understand what minimal even means? Standing there looking all hot and sexy. Making straight men and lesbians question their sexuality!"

Javier stood next to Scott, taking Loki's entirety frame by frame from head to toe with his camera. Peter, who was watching all of this unfold while eating deconstructed spring rolls, leaned in to whisper to Javier to 'keep today's recording in a safe. You have no idea how much some people would pay just to watch him in a suit.'

"I just put the first thing I got my hands on, Scott," Loki stated, leaning over the bar and gesturing the bartender for a drink that neither Scott nor Peter understood, "not my fault if I am devilishly handsome by default."

"Yeah well the devil's not helping right now when I have placed my bet against you."

Loki smirked his smirk, making the guy behind the bar nearly tip the glass off the edge before hurriedly stopping it from falling. Peter looked into Javier's camera to mouth 'wow' before turning back to Loki and Scott.

"How nice of you to show so much confidence in Y/N, Scott."

Scott jumped at Natasha's voice coming from right behind him, turning to find the assassin dressed in a red gown that hugged her curves with the will of a fish trying to survive on land in a small pond. She herself was catching quite the looks- making a lot of ladies wonder whether what they were feeling was envy or just pure excitement between their legs.

"Of course, Scott," Loki added to Nat's sarcastic statement earlier, taking a sip of whatever mysterious sweet intoxication he had ordered, "give Y/N some credit to wager she could look better than this."

"Okay," Nat interrupted him with narrowed eyes, "you better stop being so smug, Loki, and start thinking about what would happen she kicked your ass."

"Really?" Loki and Scott asked in unison. The latter got Nat's elbow in his gut.

"She's much more powerful than you think, Gourdy," Nat divulged, "you really should give the credit where it's due."

Loki found himself chuckling before his tongue darted out to wet his lips. "You really think the woman who was literally dragged out by you and Wanda to go get herself a dress for this ball will actually take the time and effort to look better than a God? It's good to dream, Natasha but only to a limit."

The green eyes looking at Loki did not stir for a single second while multiple gasps came out from the guys surrounding Loki. "See?" he whispered close to Nat, "even these men agree."

Now it was Nat's turn to smirk and tilt her head, her eyes reflecting a mixture of pride and sympathy. She stepped closer to Loki, taking his tie in her fingers and straightening it. "They are not gasping in awe of you, Loki," she whispered slowly, giving the God time to register every syllable, "they are gasping at the audacity of me winning a bet. Once again." She finished him with a wink before letting her eyes go behind him.

Loki, confused and egotistically pinched, turned around to find how exactly Nat won the be-

Oh. Oh!

You stood on the stairs, a sight fit for Valhalla. No. You were too majestic even for Valhalla. The green flowing over your body like a green stream finding its way down your body to fall with the most sophisticated rush. The straps holding your dress went to the back to twirl around a golden ring and come back down by the waist, leaving your back bare. Your hair was loose unlike the rest of the time, framing your face in light and shadow that was catching more than just Loki's heart. On one side, next to your chest were two green stones cut to perfection, glittering with the dim lights and catching everyone that even had you in your field of vision.

Loki stopped short of breathing, letting the beats from Alina Baraz's Pretty Thoughts fill every sensation he felt in those next few moments.

You stepped down the stairs, letting the slit in the dress expose your legs to the light that felt like it existed just so it could shine on them. Your grace when you pulled a strand of your hair behind your ear, exposing the golden earring twisting and dangling down your ears, wanting to touch your shoulders but being denied the pleasure of doing so. Your movement, as you swung your hips when you walked- a sight that was making so many souls stir at the sight in front of them. Too much heat. Somebody crank up the AC!

Someone out there responsible for the tunes seemed to sense the change in the surroundings by your mere presence, turning to the much more sedated and bass-filled version of Can't Take My Eyes Off You, giving the curious eyes a tune to feel their emotions.

Loki, once leaning ever so casually over the bar suddenly had to unconsciously feel the weight on his legs when he watched the smile on your lips painted nude- a shade of transparency- while your eyes glimmered with a playful smoke- a hue of everything that is delightfully shameful. But that was not what hit his heart through his eyes. It was you being stopped short by a man unknown, taking your hand and giving it a light kiss before making you laugh.

Loki felt something inside him twitch. To add to that, every pair of eyes standing next to him- along with that camera- turned to watch him like a bundle of curious hawks.

"Who's that?" Loki tried to sound casual while he took a good swig of his drink.

Nat looked at the man his eyes were pointing to- the one who was bringing you to tears from all the laughing fits he was giving you- and quite reluctantly let her lips leave the straw she was drinking from to speak. "Oh! That's Rhodey's nephew, Matt. He's a wildlife specialist. He removed a species of whales from the endangered list."

Loki, Scott and Peter turned to look at Nat with furrowed brows. Nat raised her fingers before she could hear their thoughts. "No! He did not kill them!"

They could see Matt bringing his hand forward for you as a sign of some formal request.

"Do you think he's asking her for a dance?" Scott whispered over Loki's shoulder.

You were already giving your hand in his, allowing him to walk you to the centre of the room where other couples were dancing.

"Oh my God, they are dancing!" Scott whispered again, catalysing this uneasy feeling rising in Loki's nerves. "Oh my God his hand is on her waist. Oh my God, it's going over her back. Her bare back! Oh m-"

"I can see that, Scott," Loki broke, "I can see all of it, thank you very much."

Scott raised his hands like a white flag, taking a step back as Loki turned around to watch you while the former turned to the camera to mouth his shock.

Loki could see that Scott was right. Matt had his hands on your bare back, holding you close to him, closer than one needs to while dancing- that too in such a formal setting. Clearly, that man did not know the etiquettes of the ballroom. Loki scoffed internally for thinking you would have a better taste in men after your last failed relationship. Right? You could at least show interest in men who knew how to treat their dance partner. Know their footwork, how much to move while you moved, how much to step back as they twirled you and let a mirage of a snake coiling up and over your shoulder with green eyes rest on your right shoulder be created while doing so.

Wait...

What?

Loki was not hallucinating. It really was a snake. When you twirled and let the lights shine on you, your dress created a phantasm of a golden and green snake running up your being. It was incredibly marvellous- partially because of the intricate design and mostly because he knew Thor had told you about his childhood snake stories this week.

And yet whenever you landed back in Matt's arms, something inside Loki seemed to squeeze. His eyes were not ready to leave the stranger's hands on your skin.

"Anyone can save whales. I don't get what's the big deal about it anyway." Loki did not realise those words leaving him. Nat raised her brows at him while Scott and Peter exchanged knowing glances with each other and the camera, Javier smiling like goof behind the lens.

"And isn't he too young?" Loki took another swig of his drink- before making a face at how disgusting it tasted- and turned towards others, trying not to lose your sight in the crowd. "He must be a little one like you, Parker."

"Wow," Peter exclaimed his hurt with crossed arms.

"He's...he's as old as Y/N," Nat said after a quick mental calculation.

Loki could feel something inside him feel like falling from a great height as Matt dipped you before bringing you back up, all in one full smooth swoop.

Crack!

Scott and Peter felt their eyes pop out at the cracked pieces of glass sticking in Loki's hand. Nat too had turned to look at the source of the sound. But she, unlike the two men, just furrowed her brows. "Oh, you've glass in your hand."

Loki broke out of a trance from her words, turning to look at the remnants of his drink running out of the broken shards of the glass while the rest were stuck inside his hand, blocking both the blood from rushing out and the skin from healing fully.

"Oh," Loki, much to the surprise of Scott and Peter, seemed unfazed by the whole situation, "I must have held on to the glass too ha-"

"Oh my God! Loki!"

Javier was nearly scared away from the group when he heard you shout from behind him, your eyes- carrying the look of horror- stuck on the pieces stuck in Loki's hand while your body moved on its own towards Loki, taking his injured hand in yours. "What the he- where's Bruce?"

Loki stood there for a moment- which seemed to stretch into infinity- to look at the lines of worry rising all over your face as you tried to get napkins after napkins to stop the blood from dropping, all the while asking him if he was okay. He could see the genuine concern in your eyes on watching him get hurt- the trembling hands trying to be steady just so they could help his. He saw. And he felt; felt much worse than he did before. Why?

Because he clearly could not see you in pain. Being happy with a stranger was far better than the sight of you losing all the glow in you.

"I'm fine," he finally uttered, trying to calm your anxious heart, pulling out the shards from his other hand like it was no big deal.

"Are you shitting me right now!" you announced, grabbing his better hand and pushing it away from his other before pulling it towards the door. "You're coming with me. Come on."

And so, you took him away from the party, up in Bruce and Tony's lab, asking Friday's help for it all, who was happy to walk you through the process of letting her take care of the rest while you stood beside the God and watched the AI work its way around the smallest pieces stuck inside his skin while you bit on your nails.

"I uh-" Loki cleared his throat- "didn't realise you were the competitive type."

You looked up at him, your nail still resting between your teeth, your eyes still in a concerned trance. "Huh?"

"You really went all out with the whole...theme," he mentioned with a smirk, gesturing at your ensemble, making you look down at your dress.

The forceps took out the last bit of glass, sanitising Loki's hand and the workbench when looked back at him, nodded casually. "Oh yeah. Yeah, I was just channelling the irritating snake always hissing around me all day all night, pestering me with those googly eyes and big...noodle body. That's what I was going for."

...clearly not what Loki was thinking.

"What...what snake?"

You turned your lips and spoke with the most nonchalant air, "You."

Silence.

You pressed your lips, carefully taking your steps back towards the door.

"You-" he moved his now fully healed hand away from the bench to look at you with tanoffended expression- "little-" he stepped towards you, mirroring your careful pace- "minx-" dashing out the door behind your squealing figure roaring with laughter outside.

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newbi-ginning · 5 years

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More of my bistory... (bi-story?)

So... why now?

(This took a long time to finish, a lot of days coming back to it to add or reframe something. If you think that someone could benefit, please share this with them.)

I’m ok with not getting the clue until now, late bloomer (flower out of season or obit for old fashioned underwear? you decide) and all. But why did it take this long to figure it out? Part of it was the culture I grew up in, and part of it is that I was so attracted to the opposite sex that I didn’t have the bandwidth to notice guys.

When I was a little kid, like kindergarten age, I had two really good friends, we’ll call them Jack and Jill. Jack was my friend that I hung out with all the time, and had sleepovers with, but I crushed hard on Jill. I didn’t save points from some ridiculous school fundraiser to buy a pretty necklace for Jack... but I did for Jill.

There was one playing doctor episode with another boy, which has always creeped me out when I think about it. I don’t know where he got the idea, was it his invention or something taught to him? I made a point of not staying in contact with him... and he wouldn’t have been my type, regardless. Creepy.

Middle school, no guy crushes, piles of girl crushes, nothing interesting so let’s skip ahead. High school, still all girl crushes, all girlfriends, probably 95% straight wet dreams, started a collection of porn mags, all very straight... except for the bisexual section of Penthouse Letters. I mean, I paid for it, I’m gonna read every damn page looking for something to give me an excuse to jack off over. Most followed a trope of being at an orgy or couples swap and finding a dick conveniently in mouth’s reach to suck, that it was fun, writer might do it again, no big deal.

So it wasn’t that I didn’t know it was an option, but in the throes of the gonadal madness called puberty, Amok Time... the light coming from girls and women was a supernova, but from other boys and men, just a candle. This moth was heading towards the brighter of the two.

College, not much changed. The signal from WOMN-FM was 100k watts and five by five. The KOCK station was barely 50 watts and was on the other side of the Mississippi. A bit of that broadcast might sneak through on a clear night and remind my brain to sneak a guy into a sex dream.

Some guy friends were a bit more interesting than others. But nothing overpowered my interest in women, especially when I was in a relationship with one. Boobs are fucking hypnotic when you have permission to play with them! And when you don’t, the key to not being hypnotized by them is to not stare. Don’t make eye contact with the breasts, make eye contact with the person.

Grad school... A couple guys were a bit more than interesting, but that was it. I got married, and my world was focused on Her. Its not like I didn’t find other people attractive, I found some of my classmates to be incredibly attractive, one coworker was a bombshell and a half, but I never felt drawn to cheat. Instead, I had a lot of a really good friends. (This is also when I am pretty sure a couple was feeling me out for a threesome.)

Damn, but grad school is stressful. Thankfully, we found good doctors that worked with both of us to find medications that helped us cope with the mental illnesses that grad school brought to the fore. Depression. Anxiety. For me, my PTSD had put me in a constant state of hypervigilance, caused me to freeze and withdraw when my brain responded to anything it considered a threat, neglecting my research duties, my responsibilities as a spouse and partner, and broke my sleep up with waking from nightmares where I was being physically attacked by throwing kicks and punches before I was fully aware that I was safe, it had been a dream, and that isn’t a good thing when you are sleeping next to someone.

Clonazepam helped a hell of a lot with sleep disturbances, but it wiped out most of my memories of dreams. I happily exchanged both nightmares and sexy dreams for pleasant and restful sleep. But every now and then, one slipped in. Some were sexy and fun, some were horrible, but they were both rare.

Without medication and therapy, I wouldn’t have finished my PhD. I would probably be divorced and remarried (probably several times, like most of my siblings. My whole family needs help, but most won’t seek it out. I’ve tried to encourage them to do so... You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it stay in the kitchen. (That was a joke. Sorry.)

And I definitely don’t think I would be in as good of a place as I am now to deal with this change so easily and healthfully. Bi people have higher rates of mental illness than lesbian or gay people, so I was ahead of the curve. I was already diagnosed and receiving treatment, and I had learned a lot of ways to control intrusive thoughts, whether they were self abuse... or just homoerotic. Now I don’t have to push the homoerotic ones aside. I can choose to set them aside if they are inappropriate, or just smile to myself.

Graduation, a couple “real” jobs, some world travel, and a trend starts to show up in my sex dreams, sometimes wet, sometimes just sexy. Some were a bit kinky, most were straight, but a lot of them included me sucking cock. How is that straight? Most of the time, I was sucking my own dick (which, as a teenager, I had already determined was impossible for me). That was fun and it felt good to do to myself what had only been done to me. Other times, I was sucking someone else’s dick. That was very hot, too. That felt really good, too.

This is when I had some of my first really strong guy crushes. We would be hanging out, and if we were alone, I’d want to make out with them, or push them back in a chair to go down on them. WTF, brain?

🧠 What the heart wants, the heart wants.

❤️ Don’t blame me, jackass, I’m just here to pump some iron (rich blood)!

A couple of these crushes were on openly gay men, so potential openness probably played a part to my attraction, and that was probably why I had such intense feelings for them. I would just want to kiss them, fool around a bit, see what happened. I basically told my brain to shut it, and moved on.

🧠 You should listen to me. I know you. I have your best interests at heart.

Bullshit. If you had our best interests at heart, you wouldn’t torment me over things that happened 30 years ago.

❤️ Don’t bring me into this! I have one job, and that is pumping! CARDIO, BABY! WOOOOOO!

I also deconverted, realized that I no longer believed in a god or anything supernatural, so I have no reason to think these lusty thoughts are shameful. My wedding vows were always to Her, and still are. It was important to me then that we were married in a church. Now, that is just a detail in the most wonderful days of my life.

If you are thinking of leaving religion or already have, the Recovering from Religion group can help you deal with any trauma you experienced in religion, fears or guilt from the religion you have left, being shunned, or are facing social pressure from your friends. You can find them on the Recovering from Religion website, social media, or by phone (1-844-368-2848, which is, clever them, 1-8-I-DOUBT-IT).

If I had the same feelings about a woman or NB person, I would have told my brain to shut up, I’d get back to that later, and it went into the spank bank. The guy crushes were just suppressed, and they found their expression in my dreams. but now, I recognize that this is a valid and real part of my life.

There are a lot of things I want to try, but I don’t know that I need to try them. If it becomes a need, we will need to reevaluate our boundaries. We have a different relationship now compared to what we had a year ago, ten years ago, or even twenty. This year has already brought a big change in who I am, and this year will probably include some more changes. Ten years from now, I don’t know what our relationship will look like... but I want to be with Her, because She has helped me grow so much already. When you have something this good...

The simple answer to “Why now?” is I don’t really know. I just really preferred women that I didn’t notice that I liked guys, and when I had those feelings, I treated them like an unwanted, intrusive thought. It took me this long to figure it out because it took me this long.

Is a puddle designed to fit into a pothole, or does it simply flow to fit the hole that it is in? (apologies to the late Douglas Adams) Pretty clearly, it fits the hole. My life may have had the shape of a bisexual man all along, but I just didn’t notice it.

I’m happy to be bisexual now, instead of in high school, where I would have been bullied even more than I already was. If I had realized this in high school, I would have survived and found my way.

College would have been similarly difficult. College, I would have had friends that would have supported me.

Grad school was enough all on its own. But now, I can do this. I can be me. Grad school... Fuck grad school. If I could handle that, I can handle damn near anything. I would have been ok. A bit more bruised, maybe, but I’m here now, and its because I always believed that this could get better.

And it did.

I’m in a very good place.

I’m Bisexual today.

I was Bisexual then, even if I didn’t know it.

I’ll be Bisexual tomorrow.

#bisexual #bisexual visibility #coming out #bi #bisexual me #retrospective #late bloomer

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