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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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elytrianicarus · 5 months

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me when i unleash terrible beasts upon the server and am responsible for the deaths of 3 people

#ethoslab #grian #secret life #my art #decided to start posting my silly little doodles here too instead of just full finished things #i love this duo I'm so glad they're teamed this season. hope they betray and or kill eachother i think it would be fun

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blackkatdraws2 · 1 month

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There are more things in the Parable than Stanley knows about. [Blank Scripts AU]

#hoh boy i was going to make a comic to introduce these monsters but #i couldnt help myself and made an animation instead #because i just think they're so neat and cool okay #listen i cant for the life of me just infofump about my AU and OCs #because i just think that making actual content about my lore and stuff will not only raise the chances of people being interested #but also it will also raise my motivation to actually produce more content other than the same old recycled front-facing-profile drawings #i need to get creative with my stuff or I'll also loose interest and I DONT want that #in order to be happy with what i have i cant just think about it and expect to be given something new NOOOO i need to MAKE it ughh #i cant believe in order to get more content out of my own au i would need to draw it and feed myself ugh ugh ugh unbelievable (kidding)#but also #i wanna make a little music video or animation again for youtube #its been a hot while since ive uploaded anything in there at all #maybe an animation reel will do for now?#i hope so :(#because ive been working on expanding the Black Scripts AU #and honestly i dont regret it #i had a lot of fun making up scenarios and comics for Stanley and the Narrator (Black)#but yeah!#apart from this little video #you wont be getting an explanation on what these things are supposed to be #and why theyre there #actually i was originally gonna make this into a full fledge animation with sound effect/music/frame-by-frame movement/etc.#but i got lazy HAHA #tsp blank scripts au #tsp au #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tsp

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cordiallyfuturedwight · 8 months

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i really wanna, wanna, wanna just dance ♡

for @senor-hoberto 🌷| cr. 0613data

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bocchidaily · 4 months

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what if Bocchi™ was a Slugcat from "Rain World".

Day 6: The Rock

#bocchi the rock!#bocchi the rock #daily bocchi #hitori gotoh #crossover #rain world #I've never played this game in my life I hope I did it justice #slugcat #I had to post this one as a jpeg because tumblr just hated the PNG. I do not know why.#sorry she's a jpeg. full quality will be released to the public whenever I finally get a proper archive for these together

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ebysse · 4 months

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season's greetings to all!

#coloured this doodle from a few months back #new job has been taking over my life but hope 2024 will be full of art of our favourite grease ball..!!!#and a happy new year! thanks for sticking with me and seeing my art!! appreciate you all #mine #severus snape #lily evans #hp fanart

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favoure · 8 months

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a lifetime of indentured servitude

used this frame from the mv of "femme fatale" by kedarui as ref for this piece ! just thought that it fit them perfectly orz

#clownzy #branzypierce #branzy #branzycraft #clownpierce #lifesteal #lifesteal smp #mcyt #favourarts #TARGET AUDIENCE ???? TARGET AUDIENCE HELLOOOOOO ??????#i trapped him in the safest base vid changed my life #o7 doing my work in Continuing The Fandom as branzy said . np king #idk what possessed me to do a full fledge illust for this like #i usually dont have the patience to work on the same piece for days in a row #but for this one I Just Did . Huh ....#OKAY LIFE UPDATE college is crazy guys im like 2 weeks in and thank god we have a cat in our dorm i wouldve gone crazy by now if #it werent for the little fella #also its like almost 1am n i probably should sleep now ermmm LMAO #idk wat else 2 say my brain is not working rn it rlly is sleepy time #okay gn everyone i hope u enjoy the toxic yaois zzz

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raplinenthusiasts · 1 year

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BTS x The Office

for @cordiallyfuturedwight 🫂

#I’m late I’m so so sorry #KAYLA HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY 🥳#bts #btsgif #btsedit #dailybts #dailybangtan #userbangtan #*mine #1k #ot7 #I hope you had lovely day and will have even better whole next year of your life!!!#full of beautiful music and people <3 #I’m so glad I got to talk to you and get to know you!#please accept this silly little gifset #its nothing compared to your playlists and cat photos BUT #ILY 💕#anyway I also have purple Jin in drafts that was my initial gift so if you want it just let me know 🫣#and this one was inspired by Jimin and that quote #but then jin happened and it's honestly perfect quote for him #i also managed to use my forever favorite zombie ep!!! yay #anyway I had fun looking for quotes and moments that match #I hope the one I chose are working together #I hope it will make you smile too 💛#coloring is not consistent but what’s knew xd

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c-hrona · 9 months

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Hope-

Or tfw you touch grass for the first time in your life, and it makes you so sappy that you can't help it but pray for a brigther future.

If, in said future, there's also your best friend, well, who are you to not hope a little more?

Little comic without any kind of expectations and is showing I did to try the 8 page zine layout and it does work!!! I will do more of these because it was fun as heck and really made me happy to do it!

If you want to print it and have a physical copy, you can find the file on my Ko-fi for free!

Here some photos of my own little prints, tried both the A3 and A4 format and they are so cute! **

#trigun #trigun maximum #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #chronart #hospital yuri arc my beloved #finished sometime ago and had the time to test out the result only today #posting it now before i die with another week full of nonsense #also don't notice how the A4 format came out strange the printer had a bad day lmao #also can't take a fucking photo to save a life my god #anyway hope you guys will enjoy it!!!!#i didn't throw all my heart and soul into drawing vash and wowo's lovely eyes nope nope!!!!

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wwxsflutesolo · 9 months

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"Chuuya. Come to your senses. Our fate will not end in a place like this. Because you and I are destined to—"

@/kedreeva// ernest hemingway - the old man and the sea// death cab for cutie - summer years// unknown// unknown// lidia yuknavitch - the chronology of water: a memoir// richard siken - saying your names// taylor swift - gorgeous// unknown// victor hugo - les miserables// jeanette winterson - lighthousekeeping// sylvia Plath - lady lazarus// margaret atwood - power politics// tory adkisson - Anecdote of the Pig//richard siken - planet of love, wishbone// ethel cain - hard times// margaret atwood - variations on the word love

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daily-odile · 3 months

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Odile patting Molly Epithet Erased on the head, you know why

have two bc i care them

#in stars and time #isat #epithet erased #molly blyndeff #isat odile #I've been trying to draw this for like... 5 days straight....#Thank you for making me obligated to draw this. honestly might not've if it wasnt an ask #anyways ya'll so hear me out. odile mother/grandma figure to molly #Honestly after thinking about it a little more Odile is actually quite different to Calliope based on descriptions alone? but #I think having a Dependable Trustworthy Adult in her life is. She needs it #We don't know a lot about Calliope and idk what parallels odile has with her; but I hope she reminds Molly of her mom at least a little bit #And for Odile's pov? I think she'd really really like Molly #She's more mature than most for her age and she's extremely observant and intelligent. Those are things Odile respect #Cue a dead mom joke though and odile very quickly goes to ''ok there's something wrong with this child''#I don't think I have the idea fleshed out enough in my head to say anything for sure? But Odile and Molly having a Talk about her home life #would be Extremely interesting #Oops! Rambled in tags again! Teehee!#also do you think odile will ask molly for her full name only for molly to hit her with the #''molly wolly doodle all the day blyndeff'' and odile instantly regrets it #validation for bonnie #edit: rearranged tags just in case #day 19 #crossover

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astraystayyh · 1 month

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happy birthday to my hyune. hyunjin who wrote a poem about stay’s eyes and how they shine brighter than any stars. hyunjin who paints old couples because he believes love should be eternal. hyunjin who needs to be chased off the stage by staff because he wants to greet stays longer. hyunjin who always reassures stays that they have a long time left together. hyunjin who reads poetry before bed. hyunjin who writes about love so beautifully as if he is the embodiment of it. hyunjin who says he wants to remain strong as to not hurt stays. hyunjin who says you need to practice with your 200% to show 100%. hyunjin who loves reading books. hyunjin who always tells stays to eat well. hyunjin who wears his heart on his sleeve. hyunjin who started a stay counseling center to listen to stay’s problems. hyunjin who wrote if love is everything, then there is nothing left for me. hyunjin who trained really hard because he refused to be just a pretty face. hyunjin who said that he loves easily, gets hurt easily, regrets easily then repeats the process because isn’t that what life is about. hyunjin who said that the wounds caused by humans are also healed by humans. hyunjin who remains hopeful and loving despite it all. hyunjin who eats with his eyes closed. hyunjin who loves going to art museums. hyunjin who said that there isnt a team that loves each other as much as skz does. hyunjin who said that there should always be a Stray kids before his name. hyunjin who loves so freely and who i love. you grew up so well my hyune 💓 please be happy forever.

#SINCE IT’S OFFICIALLY MIDNIGHT IN KOREA 💗💓💞💕💘💞💓💗#words can’t describe how much love i have for hyunjin :’)#the purest sweetest most loving angel in existence and who deserves nothing but happiness for the rest of his life #i hope love finds him wherever he goes #i hope that even on his darkest nights he finds reasons to smile all over again #i love him I LOVE YOUUUU HYUNJIN #happy birthday to you thank you for existing and for choosing to be so kind depsite the harshness of our world #thank you for having such a beautiful soul #thank you for being so full of love it reminded me of how gentle and fulfilling love should be #aaaaaah my second hyune birthday 🥹 TO MANY MANY MORE #let’s stay together for a long time #im so happy i get to love you in this lifetime

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thecandlesticksfromlesmis · 3 months

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I just had the most wholesome interaction in the mall with a teenager who was shopping with their mom. They were wearing a Les Mis hoodie and I said that I liked it and that I was obsessed with Les Mis. They replied—“Oh not as much as me!” and I couldn’t help but laugh and then just responded with “You’re probably right.” 😭🫶🏻

Most parts of being a teen sucked but that unbridled enthusiasm for this silly story is something I look back on really fondly. 🥹

#les miserables #literally when they said that my entire fandom life flashed before my eyes 😂#my heart is so full #I hope they love Les mis forever

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smollmilly · 23 days

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Achievement unlocked!

Congratulations, you successfully confused the Dealer!

#buckshot roulette #buckshot roulette dealer #buckshot roulette game #buckshot roulette fanart #dealer buckshot roulette #my art #digital drawing #digital art #sketch #wanted to draw more stuff but life has been hard the last month so i'm taking it very slow #still hope you enjoy this doodle of the dealer done at 3am #more content of him and probably kheela as well soon #hopefully #but i am obsessed with the full release on steam #it is very fun

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drysaladandketchup · 2 months

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for the "things you said" writing meme -- matthew/leon, 12 :)

Thank you for the request <3 I realised very quickly I have no idea what constitutes a 'mini' fic. I struggle to write 'mini' anything lol. Hopefully this still satisfies :)

12. things you said when you thought i was asleep

It takes all of Matthew's willpower not to reach over and smash his phone just to shut up the alarm. All that saves his wallet and an awkward trip to the Apple store is the split-second realisation that the shrieking in his ear isn't his usual alarm.

It's a ringtone. Not his own, either.

He pries his eyes open to find the world through the window is still dark. One of the balcony doors is still ajar, letting in a cool night breeze. He's lying on his side in his own bed, the end of the all-star weekend memorialized by several aches and bruises.

His hips and ass are a little sore too, but that's unrelated. Technically.

The ringing stops. Someone huffs behind him.

Someone. Yeah, no, Matthew knows who it is. They may have met up at the bar once the media was done swarming, but Matthew was far from drunk. Painfully sober, in fact. If he's being honest with himself, he was hoping things would turn out this way.

One more time. One more moment. Because it's been a long time since they were them. Longer still since the sex was just sex, since hate became want. Matthew is strong in a lot of ways, but not against this.

"Davo." Leon's voice is low, and still gruff from sleep when he answers his phone. He sits up on his side of the bed, trying not to disturb Matthew, pulling the covers back up over Matthew's shoulder like he thinks he'll freeze to death in this balmy Florida winter.

Usually Matthew's a heavy sleeper. But never when Leon's around. He makes it impossible for Matthew to completely relax, to let time slip by. Leon's just too big of a presence, almost too much to bear. It was more important that everything linger, to bask in the strange comfort of their relationship, whatever it was. They had so little time. Even less, now.

"I know it's late. No, no, I'm not at the hotel. I'm... I'm with Tkachuk."

Leon says his last name like it's wrong, like it's rotting on his tongue.

When he corrects himself, says, "Matthew", it's better, lighter. Like it's ambrosia.

Matthew remembers when Leon Draisaitl saying his name wouldn't have meant a damn thing to him. When that simple act didn't fill him with fondness.

In the silence, Matthew can hear McDavid talking on the other end, but can't quite make out what he's saying. Matthew tucks up under the duvet, breathing quiet and even, trying to focus instead on the distant sound of waves and the ticking clock on his wall.

Ticking. Always ticking. Time bleeds out when they're together.

He doesn't even remember falling asleep last night, but he wishes he hadn't now. He wishes he'd stayed awake longer, just to... just too see him. To look Leon in the eye, to talk about everything and nothing until dawn, to feel big, too-warm hands on his body more and more and more. He wants to make sure he'll remember how Leon feels, sounds, tastes.

"Connor," Leon says, a warning, followed by a sigh. "I know. I know, okay? It was stupid, but..."

Maybe it was. Matthew has a good thing here in Florida. Better than ever. He was happy to leave Alberta behind and start over. So why did leaving make him feel like a coward?

Because leaving was about Calgary, and the Flames. About his career and his future. It wasn't about Leon. Leon was the wrench in the gears; the one thing he didn't expect to have to say goodbye to, the kind of hurt he never could have accounted for.

"I needed to see him." Leon sounds helpless. He's not the only one.

The only time he's heard Leon so lost was after his team was knocked out of the playoffs last season. The Oilers meant nothing--Matthew was pretty fucking glad considering they'd beat out the Flames--but he never wanted to hear Leon like that again.

He definitely never wanted to be the cause of it. Not like this.

Leon is still mumbling into his phone. "Yeah, I'm fine. He's... we're good. He's happy."

A hand settles on Matthew's head. Fingers play with his curls, nails scratch his scalp. A thumb presses just behind Matthew's ear, stroking the soft skin where only hours before Leon had put his lips, whispering sweetness and filth in equal measure.

It takes everything for Matthew not to groan, to whimper and surrender, roll over and climb on top of Leon and take all over again. Beg him to take something--everything--from Matthew.

"I don't know," Leon says then.

It's easy to guess what McDavid asked.

He's happy. But are you?

"I can't even tell him I still love him."

Still. Matthew didn't even know there was a before, let alone a still. Leon never said anything. Fuck, if Matthew wasn't busy trying to remember how to breathe, he'd roll over and punch him.

Then again, what did Matthew ever say? They never talked about it. Never let those closet hook-ups and slipping out back doors and little drinks and dinners and overnights excused as practical necessity be anything more than that. A bunch of chirps and half-truths and aborted discussions because it was all becoming too much. There was too much uncertainty. Too many ways it could go wrong.

It did go wrong. It became something. It became real.

Maybe that would have changed something. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything at all. It doesn't matter now. Matthew left, and neither of them said a word about things like love, because it was easier to hope it would shrivel and die with distance and time.

"I know I'm being stupid." Leon pauses when McDavid interrupts, then huffs. "No, I am. Fuck, I really thought I'd get over it. Maybe I will. Eventually."

Don't you fucking dare, you piece of shit, Matthew wants to scream.

"Not sure I can, though." Leon swallows so loud Matthew can hear it. Then quieter, like he's not sure he's even allowed to admit it, he says, "I don't really want to."

He's still playing with Matthew's hair, occasionally dragging a finger over his bare shoulder or down his back, tracing imaginary lines across Matthew's flesh. Like he's something to be memorized and cherished.

They're both so fucking stupid. Matthew bites his lip and tries not to choke on the lump in his throat. Could be his heart, climbing right up and out of his mouth. He clings to the sheets with shaking hands.

"I'm not going to fuck up what he's got here," Leon says tiredly, voice thick with tension and pathetic resignation.

Leon's not here to drag him back. He wouldn't do that. So why is he here? Just to torture them both? Being with him doesn't feel like torture. It feels like winning. It feels like defiance and decadence and too much and not enough. It feels like what could have been and what could still be.

He didn't find Leon at that bar and bring him home out of pity, or nostalgia, one last fuck for old times sake. It was... it just was. Not an ending. Not some final goodbye. Proof maybe there could still be something. Getting over it was never an option, Matthew knew that well before he stepped onto the ice as a Panther and found himself staring Leon down all over again.

Matthew's vision is blurring. His eyes sting, warm and wet. There's blood pounding in his ears, and a hand clutching his heart, a vice around his lungs. He hardly remembers how to breathe.

He doesn't catch the rest of Leon's conversation, except something about meeting Connor back at the hotel tomorrow. Meaning he's staying the night, at least. He's staying.

When Leon hangs up the phone, Matthew finally comes up for air. He relaxes his shoulders, listening to the soft thump as Leon taps his phone against his forehead over and over. Then it clatters on the side table. Leon sighs, sniffs, and sinks back under the covers. He tucks right up against Matthew's back, still burning like a furnace, soft muscle and skin brushing Matthew's spine in all the right ways.

He throws an arm around Matthew and finds one of his hands, worming his fingers through the gaps to hold it. His palm is sweaty, not that it matters at all to Matthew. He can't help squeezing Leon's hand a little, but if Leon notices, he doesn't say a word.

Not until he's wrapped tight around Matthew, near suffocating, like any part of them that isn't touching is a sin.

"Love you," Leon mumbles, barely more than a whisper, pressing his lips right to the base of Matthew's neck. Matthew's body can't seem to decide whether to shiver or melt under the heat.

Leon says it like it's inevitable. Painful. Pitiful.

What he's saying is, I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't say it before. I'm sorry I don't know how to say it now. I'm sorry it's too late, it's the wrong place, the wrong time.

Like he doesn't think Matthew could ever understand. And that's the worst part of it all. They're still not on the same page. Tearing down what they never built.

If Leon's only brave enough to say it when Matthew's asleep, then Matthew will just have to be brave enough to say it in the light of day. He doesn't run, and he won't now that he knows he doesn't have to.

He stares into the night outside his window, listening to Leon breathe, feeling his heart beat through Matthew's chest like that's where it longs to be.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe they can stop chasing time long enough to make the most of what they have. To make up for what they've wasted. And whatever happens after, well, maybe they can stop being afraid of that, too.

#hockey #mattdrai #matthew tkachuk #leon draisaitl #my writing #asks #i can take any prompt and shove angst into it just watch me #'mutual pining dumbasses who can't communicate' my beloved trope #i hope it's obvious this is happening during/right after the 2023 asg #i know 2020 was the sacred texts but I feel like we don't use 2023 for mattdrai purposes enough #poor connor always suffering through mattdrai bullshit #leon has a scrapbook full of pictures of matthew and will be like 'remember when my bf left me ;_;' and connor wants to jump off a bridge #'mini' fic they said. i don't think 1.6k is mini. it got away from me. but i have never been concise in my life why start now

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