I've been thinking about this the whole week especially during nights after scrolling through social media for the updates of The Eras Tour Singapore. I think I'm just gonna write it down in here.
As much as I'm happy and content seeing so many happy faces and beautiful posts (from swifties or general people) about Taylor, about how amazing she is for putting together such a massive magical incredible show just for her fans, there is this feeling of hopeless, disappointed, sad, longing and hurt for not being in one of her show. Will not being in one for sure.
I've been a fan since You Belong With Me but just never had a chance to see her live because I live in Indonesia and Taylor certainly didn't come here often for tour. The announcement of Eras tour bring so much hope for me to finally see her. After waiting for further announcement I found that the only stop for Southeast Asia was in Singapore. I was like "at least it's not far enough. I think I can manage that". and the waiting and the war has begun. Just sitting restless waiting for the code really felt like real war and getting more hopeless as the time passed. And finally the code just never come to the mail. I've tried so many opportunities from third-parties seller but still not much of a luck. I'm a soldier down on the icy ground.
I was trying so hard to not feel bitter towards people (some social media influencers) who actually not a fan got a better luck and got the tickets 🤣 it's proved later on when they stay quite after cruel summer 🤣 okay I'm not going to be bitter right now. it's just their luck.
All this long posts just for saying what I've been praying for.
Dear Taylor @taylorswift , you mean the whole world to me. You've been inspiring me to just go for what I want. You showed me that it is okay to be afraid and jump anyway. To just say what I want not holding back. To handle all obstacles in life like a brave soldier. You taught me to take the fuckin lemon or whatever this life has given you, make lemonade, and sell it ! Sell it to 96.000 people worth of a stadium and even more ! I may not have a chance to see you on tour this era but I really really hope I will one day. I hope when that time come I'm getting to see you more than just one day (getting greedy as I begin to imagine how incredible it must be 🤣)
Anyway I just wish and hope you're safe and healthy whenever you are. (In case it's getting weird, In Indonesia when someone pray for your health it doesn't necessarily mean you're not in good condition it just means they care about you so much) Please live long and loooong enough so We can finally meet. Even if we don't meet in person, I will be more than thrilled to just meet you where You're on stage doing things that you love and I'm on the crowd and you wouldn't probably recognize me.
so just pleaaaaseeee live long enough and bring that magical tour of yours to Indonesia or wherever that close to this damn country 🤣
You followed me so i think you might read it somehow or probably you don't . doesn't matter. I finally get it out of my mind. and yeah thats that. i love you so much 🫶🏻
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My brain is on fire same I can’t sleep and am thinking of this:
The way she writes about marriage/family/commitment through these different situations across the album is soooooooooo interesting.
You have a very intense first experience of it in “The Manuscript,” where it is first dangled in front of her/the narrator’s young, impressionable self as shorthand for real love in a situation that ended up being smoke and mirrors. She’s being told everything she wants to hear by someone who basically thinks it’s just foreplay. In the end, when it’s clear that the other person has no intention of actually making a life with her, it makes her feel used, but she forces herself to recalibrate and become the girl she thinks he and all the other hes want her to be. Easy breezy cool. But there’s a sense of loss in realizing those hopes were merely banter to the other.
You have the “grown up” version of it alluded to in “So Long, London” and “How Did It End?”, the years of putting in work to save a relationship and the “deflation of our dreaming leaving [her] bereft and reeling” leading to them “calling it all off.” The implication is clearly that they built a home together with plans for next steps at a point in time, but the commitment is shattered. (Obviously to me it sounds like marriage.) She’s bitter at spending her “prime” years with someone who ultimately didn’t want to be there, even if he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it himself.
She felt like she did everything she was supposed to, but they were learning the right steps to different dances at as it were. Those dreams were at one point shared, but in the end they weren’t right for each other and she admits that, though bitterly (“I founded the club she’s heard great things about” eg the years she put in for him to help him grow up will end up benefiting his new lover, “but I’m not the one,” “you’ll find someone,” etc.). Mixed in with all this of her resentment of him wasting her youth (sacrificing herself at the altar), and his resentment of her for reasons less defined, and insinuations of betrayal in the shadows. The fantasy of the whole package disappears into the ether, yet she still has no answers as to how they got there.
Then in comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing in many of the rest of the songs, the one who promises her all those things she’s dreamed of since she was a kid instantly. After years of moulding herself to other men’s desires, someone comes in and tells her exactly what she wants to hear at the most vulnerable time of her life, as though the universe is answering her prayers, like some sort of cosmic payback for all she’s suffered, and it’s the most intoxicating drug of all. She’s gone from her wish for a family life feeling like she’s in a way being used for her body, to it being used as a chain to a relationship gone sour, to having someone put a metaphorical ring on her finger and tell her he wants to have babies with her, fuck those other guys.
In her grief and stupor, it’s too good to be true, which is exactly why she falls for it. But of course, it’s all an illusion, because this wolf is an amalgamation of the worst of all the men who came before him. He tells her everything she wants to hear not to make her dreams come true, but to make his. He takes the worst parts of these scenarios to make his move: he’ll stand by her, he’ll commit, he’ll do it out in the open under the spotlight’s glare (all things desperately lacking in her last relationship), but after he beds her he stabs her in the back in private and leaves her. He got what he wanted at the expense of her losing everything she wanted, this time as her world caved in seemingly for good. She feels like she gave up everything she thought she might have had for a chance that this is where the universe has been point her all along, only to be left broken for good (you represent the loss of my life as I knew it).
Then there are two sort of codas to this. In “But Daddy I Love Him” we get a sassier reimagining of “Love Story,” where the girl with the scarlet letter is mouthy and crass and tells everyone to go fuck themselves for cursing her in the first place, choosing her love above all else. And no, those haters can’t come to her wedding. Her daddy may have come around, but they sure can’t. Finally it seems someone is choosing her and will someday give her these things, and she’ll be able to show all the naysayers. (Also interestingly one of the more fictionally-veiled songs which ends happily vs the diaristic ones that don’t.)
Then of course there’s “So High School,” our first glimpse into what the future holds. Probably the only unabashedly happy (nay… electric?) song on the album, it’s all about reclaiming the buzz of youth (which is a whole other post) with a new lover. “Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It’s just a game but really, I’m betting on all three for us two.” It’s, er, a direct nod to a certain now-infamous interview, but again, she’s staking her claim on her future, if not certain then at least hopeful again. This time the prospect doesn’t come with a “but.” It’s not, we’ll be pushing strollers but actually you’re too young. It’s not, we had these dreams for our future but actually I can’t move forward. It’s not, I’m going to promise you a ring and a baby but only until my needs are met and then I’m out. It’s, I know what I wanted and I’m not leaving, and thanks to that now she stays too.
The album dealt with the theme not at all in the way I expected, but is absolutely fascinating.
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💌TORTURED LOVE LETTER NIGHT💌 on Wednesday, April 17th, starting at 8 PM EST/5 PM PT. Send love letters to your mutuals, followers, people you've never interacted with, and everyone in between on or off anon!
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