Also just because you get annoyed by something someone is doing doesn't mean they are evil you can leave us alone

This is a Succession essay. I genuinely think that most characters in television and films tend to be autistic/autistic coded, and I think this is by complete and total accident

Trying to make a character weird, or giving them issues picking up social cues, or what have you, say, extremely strong interests, it often speaks to autistic people and our experiences in a variety of ways

Kendall Roy is a big one for me, he stims in his car (episode one, rapping and hitting the chair in front of him in the car before his big day?), he's so genuine and cannot tell when everyone around him is making fun of him (L to the OG, singing a rap song he made up about his dad?), he gets emotionally and physically overwhelmed (too much birthday?), he has issues expressing his emotions and picking up social cues (his phone call with the bank, telling Polk to fuck off, where he tries to emulate his father and fails?)

There's this poignant scene where Kendall is calming down in the same way his clearly autistic son does. Both of them are overwhelmed by the family dinner, so they sit outside and play with Legos together, an act Rava, his ex wife, does not engage in. It's parallel play, they're sitting together and calming themselves down side by side, not necessarily playing together. This is very common amongst autistic people.

And Kendall, like many autistic people, wants to emulate those around him socially, so he can be liked the way he thinks his father is. Kendall often incorrectly assumes that if he mimics all those around him, copies their social skills, pretends like he fits in, people will finally see him the way he sees himself. And Kendall really is a good person. At least he tries to be, having that much wealth and power is always going to make you a bad person, especially when you don't take the steps to deconstruct these power structures. But Kendall wants to be a good person. He wants to do the right thing. He tries hard to be the involved father, the perfect son, the kind boss, the fantastic husband, the good friend, the caring brother, the greatest business man, he wants to be the most loved, the most loving, the person everyone likes and who fits in. But he can't navigate it quite right. He's understanding of how to grow Waystar Royco into a business that's successful in the internet age is actually quite spot on. His desire to create what he views as an inclusive environment, a respectful one, is genuine.

But Kendall cannot fit in no matter how hard he tries. And I don't think it's just because of his wealth, though it plays a factor. His siblings, in particular Shiv and Roman, especially Shiv, are considerably better socially. They, like many neurotypicals, can become social chameleons, changing how they interact and act to fit in with whatever crowd they're in. They're out of touch due to their wealth, certainly, but there's a difference. They socialize well in the wealthy circles they grew up in, they transfer these skills to other social circles, they socialize so well they can advance their career. Noticeably, they lie well, they can pick up on when most everyone is lying to them, they can navigate all of their respective spheres well.

Kendall cannot do these things really, when he tries he always falls flat. Even in out of touch, wealthy circles, he really cannot fit in. His inability to be the person he wants everyone to see him as is two fold. His wealth and abusive childhood is one dimension of it, he doesn't have good footing for where to start, so when he genuinely tries he falls flat on his face. But he's autistic, compounding these issues. It makes it much harder for him to actually understand what to do, how to do it, and his only guides through his life were wealthy people constantly working to undermine him, to cut him down. Shiv and Roman, not so much. They know what is the "right thing" and what is socially seem as the right things to do, and they can adapt their presentation to match that. Shiv knows it's socially acceptable to be a democrat, and so she is, though she isn't one. Kendall cannot, and though he tries to do the right things, and he tries to do them because he sees them as the right things, he cannot conceptualize a life other than his own, cannot fit in, and with no other guide but his father, cannot be the person he truly wants to be.

His attempts are genuine. He tries very hard to be an excellent father. He loves his children. He is by no means good at it. But he wants to be. And he makes greater strides than his father ever did, and in many ways for him this is a great effort. He is pained by how no one seems to like him, no matter what he does. There's this scene in the first season, where he looks at the falling stock price and tells his brother, "this is how much no one likes me." In season three, he tries to get people to like him by being self aware about how much they hate him, tries to let himself be made a mockery, because then maybe they'll want him. But he doesn't understand why they do. And it becomes a form of self harm, like maybe if he lets them hate him to his face, he'll understand why they do emotionally. Sometimes he understands objectively, but really he doesn't. And he self medicates to make it easier.

Kendall noticeably does drugs the most when he is struggling to fit in socially. Before therapy with his family, because he wants to fit in with the group of people he's with, wants to fit in back home. Also a very common autistic experience. It seemingly makes him likeable, makes him comfortable, lowers his inhibitions so that maybe he'll fit in, and maybe he'll get over his fears.

Kendall's struggles as an autistic person become Shakespearean in height due to the wealth and station of his life. It makes you wonder if one moment of his life were to have been changed. Say he doesn't get into the accident with the waiter, he'll escape the grasp of his father, and probably he'll have the means he always wanted to create the meaningful change he longs for. He stays committed to outing his father's negligence on the cruises. Something different, something new. Hell, even just a diagnosis, and I'd bet Kendall's life looks utterly different. It allows him, at the very least, a modicum of comfort and understanding of his life. Best case scenario, Kendall has the tools to navigate the world, and as such, can become the very good person he feels he ought to be.

Kendall Roy has autism. And autism is not tragic, but him having it in a world so hostile to him, without the knowledge of his autism, is.

Qsmp lgbt and gender headcanons bc why not (part 1/?)

‼️Quick info before you read‼️, the half of characters will be either nonbinary or agender because I am autistic and I have really hard time understanding/telling people's gender. I do not mean to make gender variety, I just want to show how I see the characters.

‼️If any of the characters have canon gender and/or sexuality already please tell me this‼️

qPhil

• I like to think that hybrids have no idea what is gender or just don't care much about it. I think qPhil also doesn't give a shit about gender, so I hc him as agender + ace panromantic

• He most likely doesn't experience any body dysphoria or any dysphoria related to his gender.

• Uses he/him pronouns because he likes them and is used to them

• Likes to wear long skirts and adhering to the body blouses sometimes (he shops in hot topic, canon/j)

• If it isn't obvious yet, he doesn't gaf about what if feminine or masculine. He just wears whatever he likes and doesn't have a problem with anyone doing the same

• Yeah he just doesn't give a shit about anything

qQuackity

• It was always really hard to me to tell his gender as I thought he was something between nonbinary and trans man

• but I figured out that he also probably wouldn't give a fuck about his gender ☠️

• he does know what gender is unlike qPhil so I guess he would be on nonbinary spectrum

• Maybe tilin had something to do with qQ's gender 👀

• They were like, talking about Tilin's gender and Q was like "oh kinda same lmao 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️"

• any pronouns, likes to experiment

• i think he would be something between ace gay and ace bisexual but I am not sure

• loves to wear hyperfeminine dresses like these coquette girls lmfao

• tying their hair with pink ribbon while listening to lana del rey

qWilbur

• Again, it's rather hard for me to tell his gender but I was thinking he could be unlabeled

• really likes feminine terms like "miss", "lady" and all but people rarely use them on him :(

• any pronouns ! !

• Their clothing is probably similar to cc wilbur, just his outfits + some long skirt

• So her and qPhil are pretty similar in dressing up

• I also don't think she experiences a lot of gender dysphoria, there are worse days but it's nothing extreme

• and he is most likely bi

qForever

• trans man

• he used to be bullied a lot, so he kinda grew up with toxic stereotypes of how a "real" man should look like

• He used to fight, hit a gym, be agressive and anything that would be seen as manly

• he eventually stopped and became more peaceful

• ignoring the gender stereotypes as he grew his hair and started to wear feminine clothing from time to time

• but he does get a bad dysphoria days when everything he lived through comes back to him

• He usually then locks himself in his house and doesn't talk to anybody

• qBaghera can always sense when her brother is upset and she tries to talk to him

• When he opens up on others more, there is a lot of people comforting him on bad days, like qBad, qPhil, qMaxo and the brazillians ofc!

• So he is fragile when it comes to his gender

• so yeah, he/him pronouns

• And he is also probably bi or gay

qRoier

• Genderqueer gay

• Any pronouns but he usually leans on he/him!

• I think he binds his chest when he is not melissa, but sometimes she just doesn't gaf about his breasts lmao

• He doesn't know much about gender since she is spider hybrid (my hc), so again no gender stereotypes work on him

• Probably gets qcellbit and qjaiden to mall for shopping and ends up being in here for like 3 hours

• he has a huge sense of fashion so yea

jasonnie lives in my head rent free now 😔 /pos. i was also wondering abt your thoughts on autistic donnie? as an autistic person i love me some good rep so im constantly brain thoughts on how jase would handle donnies meltdowns or overstimulation. the idea of them having parallel play time with each other owns my whole heart ❤ but yeah just curious on what you guys think of it. love the fics btw! I've read all of it so far and i really like them 🤠

Hello, Fox here! Sorry it took so long to answer this ask! I've been busy as hell, LMAO. But, hey! I'm glad you could join the bandwagon of Jasonnie enjoyers and enablers! There are a lot more of us than I realized, haha! Also, thank you for enjoying our fics! Even though we're not on the Jasonnie fixation as of late, it's always really fun to hear everyone else enjoying these dorks!

As for your question: Personally, I adore the Autistic!Donnie Headcanon and write him autistic in all my stories, intentional or not! Parallel play is definitely something they both just clicked on without having to say a word throughout the entirety of their relationship.

In our fics, Jason grew up in a household that disregarded his existence in nearly every sense of the word. So, after they get along and spend most of their time together? Jason enjoys it when they're doing their own things, sharing space since it's so similar to what he's used to while also being everything he's never given freely. Jason's used to blending into the background and not disturbing those around him. But with Donnie, he actually gets to share the space, to co-exist with him without fear that he's being too much or doing too little. There's no need to overanalyze and second-guess things.

Donnie's family has definitely existed in spaces together, especially when Donnie is working. But there's a significant difference between your siblings trying to help out, asking what you're doing, and getting you to build something for them, and when a kid simply blends into the space like nothing has changed. It's not like his family is constantly obnoxious, but brothers can sometimes be like that. Plus, Jason's smart, he shares the same level of knowledge with Donnie even if it isn't in the same subjects or skills, but he still blends in with Donnie's world instead of sticking out against it like his family does, if that makes sense?

It's like a mix of comforts and mutual unsaid understandings between them. They know how this shared space goes, and they both enjoy how the other exists naturally, so it's like a safe little bubble that they can get wrapped up in sometimes.

I would probably have more Jason and Autistic!Donnie Headcanons to share, but honestly, most of my Autistic!Donnie Headcanons are for my other fic series, and I have yet to think about these boys through that lens in a hot minute! (Any Autistic!Donnie-related Jasonnie ideas that are floating in my head are from the amazing people on the Jasonnie Discord Server and not my own.)

But a scene I think about a lot is Donnie and Jason cooking together. The two of them bond over their Asian Cultures, sharing their foods with each other, especially modified ones, to ensure the taste and texture doesn't disturb or overstimulate Donnie.

Also! Jason knowing his meltdown routine after a year of them being together is definitely something that delights me to no end. Knowing that when you're in that place and know you have someone you can trust to know exactly what you need and always try and follow that for you no matter how worried or hurt they may be in that moment? Because your health comes first, and they understand that? That everything that may have happened before can always be dealt with later? Fucking masterful; it means everything to me.

I do have to apologize, dear anon, for the more vague Headcanons, though? As I said before, it's been a moment since I truly obsessed over these two, but I hope I answered your question? If you have more, I'm more than happy to ramble about them and talk about them! <3

do you have any non-hylic ocs?

Ooooohhhh so fucking many! That I've been neglecting to draw or think about because my brain has been eaten by hylics brain worms, so some of these drawings are a litttleee old pardon that.

Starting with humans then delving into my bigger freaks (affectionate)

Okay favorite children first! This is Scrape, they/it. I originally made them as a Jojo oc but now they're really outside of it, but they do have a stand named Everything is a Lot. They have pointy ears because that was part of my art style at the time and i just dont think i could separate it from that. Their whole thing is that it was raised in a highly religious and abusive household that it ran away from at the age of 16, leaving their little brother Ami behind (more on him later). They then fell into a life of drugs and shit. Eventually they're reunited with Ami but at some point I'll make a post about their whole sibling lore..

And here's Ami their brother (he/they) He was also initially a jojo oc so has a stand but like I said I mostly moved away from that I just like the designs. He grew up to be a music director at church <3 (couldn't find recent colored art so enjoy this minecraft skin of them)

Speaking of Jojo ocs, this is my jojo oc who actually has to stay in the media, Joshua Jostar, he/him. He wasn't originally going to be a Joestar, just some random stand user so I could use a funny stand I came up with in a crack rp, but my friend made another character imply he was one so I ran with it. His stand is Under Pressure and it doesn't have a humanoid form, it's just a balloon that can inflate inside of any open space that upon inflating is full of cement.

Then there's my guy EGG he/they. He is nonverbal autistic but does know sign language. It's kinda funny to me that they're the one who kinda stuck around when I originally made them as just another character to have to be one I liked more at the time's ex. I think he mostly grew on me because my friend liked him a lot more than the other guy. The other guy is named Apollyon but I have NO GOOD ART OF HIM and his lore is kinda cringe bc I haven't worked on it in like 4 years so he doesn't get his own segment.

So not human but closer than some of the other ocs I have are a couple of angels! I don't really have that in depth of a story to them yet, but they came to me in a dream.. there's other characters associated with them too but I've only really drawn this one. He can't remember his actual name but the kid he interacts with calls him Peppermint. The angels will be enimes to lovers and they will make out sloppy style in the end.

Okay nonhuman time. First I have a couple of Khajit (I think I spelled that right) ocs that are distantly related, who don't really have lore they were just my characters in skyrim and oblivion

And then there's my object head ocs! Eyelyn doesn't have any lore she's just a cool eye lady she/it/xe. And then there's Persistence based on Persistence of Memory he/it/xe. I ran out of picture room but will give pictures of them in the rbs if asked!

I will go much further in depth about any these guys if asked ofc hehe, just didn't wanna go on for toooo long. I also just have a lot of general guys freaks I float around in my head that haven't all been given a form or name yet, just goofy concepts. Like Ami has a bf! But I have to think more about what the guy is like and what he looks like..

(I also have a plethora of danganronpa ocs that I'm not going to dive into but might talk about if I'm asked very nicely.)

Dude, asp3rgers is literally named after Hans Apserger, a Nazi. Just use Google my guy, you're using Nazi terminology, dickhead.

Imagine blaming someone for the name of their PROFESSIONAL DIAGNOSIS, my guy.

Like, does it occur to you that this is the most far removed you could ever get from "activism".

What made you wake up in the morning and come to me specifically, by the way? Have you been sending this to everyone else in the world who was told by a fucking doctor that they have a mental disorder called Asperger's that has done been a thing probably their whole lives, and telling them THEY are perpetuating bigotry by going on with their damn life and accepting the word they've been given for their condition?

Whaddaya want? Ya want me to frantically scurry to my Carrd to change the label? Would that make me less of a direct contributor to anti-Semitism?

Ehehehehehehe, here I was bitching about anti-kink fuckers when the internet has people like you misfiring their righteous anger so hard that you're mad at random mentally ill people for being oh... so, so ignorant to the catastrophic harm they're causing for not suspecting that the label they were given might be a Nazi term~!

You are the most self-important asshole I have ever seen, and that's saying a lot considering the shit I've witnessed online. I hope you're as miserable a person as this makes you sound, because my god, this is pathetic.

I did look it up btw, for anyone who is curious. It looks like anon is indeed correct about the origins of the name.

I still don't give a single pebble of my oddly blue shit because I am not fucking responsible for any of this.

Yes, my shit is blue right now because I ate some heavily-dyed cake yesterday. Yes, I loved adding that to my response to this person and their worthless take. Enjoy reading about my bowel status before I cast you into obscurity, as your next messages will be ignored unless you have the balls to come off anon about it.

Go fuck yourself. 💖

For everyone else:

Do I need to explain btw that if someone came to me in GOOD FAITH to inform me of the fact that a label I'm using may bring up terrible feelings for people because of its origins, I'd legit listen and go change it?

I probably will change it anyway because I identify more with "autism" (because I get to say "I have awootism" and that's hilarious—also I can just say "I'm autistic", but there doesn't seem to be a grammatical equivalent for Asperger's).

But this is not how you have a fucking conversation.

This is not how you inform innocent people of a dark history behind something they grew up with.

This person is not AT ALL concerned with me becoming a better person or being more sensitive to others or learning a lesson. This person JUST wants to take their own self-hatred out on some rando online, to make me feel guilty for shit I was unaware of, and to make themself feel superior in whatever desperate way they can.

I see right through this garbage because I witness it daily.

My brother and my closest high school friend were both diagnosed with Asperger's YEARS before I ever was. I grew up with this. I grew up proud to be this, because I recognized that it made me different from my peers in a way that would gain me discrimination and bullying, but that I could also have solidarity with the other kids who understood what it was like.

So.

Genuinely.

I will change the name for MYSELF, because of MY new experiences and information from my doctors.

And I will not rush to do so because I have better things to do with my time than sweat and panic over what some little insect thinks about my Carrd. I have a game to work on, a dog to let out, a job to go to, and a husband to cuddle. Oh, and of course, I gotta finish my replay of BotW so I can jump on TotK when my husband is done playing it! Priorities, hello! xP

The Big Ole Post Of My OCs!!

All of my OCs come from a cartoony fishing town in Maine called Slate Beach, in a world where supernatural creatures live alongside humans. Nobody is straight, everyone’s a dumbass, and the whole town will chase you out with pitchforks and fishing nets if you dare to be a bigot.

The Picrew I used to make them will be linked at the bottom.

Doris Lachlan (Main Character)

She’s an autistic bisexual demigirl who grew up with ableist and mildly homophobic parents- and she’ll kick your ass if you’re mean to her or her friends (not a joke, this girl means it). She touched a magic pearl that gave her the ability to breathe underwater at the cost of gaining a few scales here and there. She loves the ocean and wants to be a marine biologist. They like to be on their own or with their close friends, preferably messing around in the ocean. She has insecurity issues and can’t stop pining after every cute person she meets. A hopeless romantic for sure. But, they are dating Micheal, but who knows how that’ll go. She’s got blue eyes, brown hair, and tan skin with a whole bunch of freckles. Pronouns are she/they.

I made a Spotify playlist for her, here it is.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1k1o3u60vj63xKYvYgkmvg?si=Po4iKT36SaaZG3gvFsJjeg

Darcy Morris (Master Of Bullshit)

She’s a butch lesbian (there are a LOT of lesbians among my OCs…. what a coincidence) and she’s a witch! Not the Harry Potter kind. She actually hates Harry Potter. Her spells require prep-work and take a long time to do, but she does own a few magic items she can use in a hurry. She’s a fiery woman who isn’t afraid to slap a bitch. She enjoys wearing cozy sweaters and watching the sun set on the dock. Her mom (also a witch) runs a butcher shop and her dad’s away at an oil rig, and she loves both of them. Her two brothers, Raven and Kieran, are also witches, and their pranks usually involve magic. She has short black hair, purple eyes, and very pale skin. She’s usually either blushing at her girlfriend Ellie, or she’s horribly sunburnt. She wants to open a shop of her own when she’s older, but she may end up inheriting the butcher shop. She’s fine with either option. Pronouns are she/her.

Ellie Russo (Done With Darcys BS)

A lesbian who isn’t taking any bullshit, Ellie is half-human, half-harpy. Her arms are covered in feathers, her fingers have claws, and she’s got sharp teeth. And yes, she’s got blue hair and pronouns. Though, the blue hair is actually natural. You know why golden dart frogs have bright colors? Yeah, she’s poisonous. The bright colors are a warning. But, she’s really a sweetheart, just absolutely done with humanity. Is definitely the type to say “calm down, children” to a group of adults arguing. Her parents are very loving, but the struggles society places on her family made it so that they could never marry. So, they decided to circumvent the law and share custody of Ellie. Her mom’s a harpy, her dad’s just Italian. Her parents are those confused allies at Pride that are there for their kids. Definitely best friends with Emma’s parents. They spoil her girlfriend Darcy whenever she comes to visit. Pronouns are she/her.

Michael (Desperately Needs Love)

He’s a (literal) fallen angel, and BOY does he have some words to say to his mom. After being kicked out of the super-secret angel kingdom by his mom because he was embarrassing, he’s been trying to find a way to get back up there and give her a piece of his mind. If you wanna envision this, his mom is just a Karen. Blonde, same haircut, definitely the “can I speak to your manager” type. But with a fuck load of power and an ego the size of Alaska. His dad is absolutely terrified of her. The human forms of angels are random, and genetics don’t really play a role. It’s a mix of completely randomized traits, and you’re considered lucky if you look somewhat normal. (There’s an angel that can never take human form bc her human form literally doesn’t have a heart or lungs). Michael’s one of the lucky ones in that regard. Despite their normal appearance, Michael’s right wing doesn’t work properly and so he can’t fly very far. When he takes a fully human form (without wings), there’s a big scar on his right arm to mark the difference. Parents aside, he loves building things, sports, and cheating at cards. He also loves his girlfriend, Doris. They bond over having shitty parents and devising new ways to inconvenience them. Though Doris is secretly planning a raid with Darcy, Ellie, and Emma to absolutely destroy his mom. He doesn’t really care about human labels, but he likes all genders. They really don’t care about pronouns, but prefer he/they.

Emma Lewis (The Artist)

Another lesbian (help me I can’t stop making lesbians), a total sweetheart, and just as much a hopeless romantic as Doris, she’s actually completely human! A shocker considering my penchant for making people with odd powers. She’s an artist, and she’s very good at painting and cake decorating. She works in Claire’s bakery as a cake decorator (and is paid very nicely for a teenager) while saving money for college to become a doctor. She loves helping people, and her parents are doctors as well. They work together in a children’s hospital in the nearest city. They’re the same type of enthusiastic ally as Ellie’s parents, and the two couples have known each other for years. She’s Mayor Lewis’ niece and the whole family is close-knit and supportive. She’s the one to round up Doris, Darcy, Ellie, and Micheal to help Mayor Lewis find her sister’s mom to tell her about her sister’s new baby- despite the mom being a sea nymph that lives in the middle of the ocean, she’s still part of the family and should be treated as such. (Can’t you see, I’m projecting because of all these families that totally accept their child being a lesbian). Pronouns are she/her.

Claire Lachlan (Dumbass)

Second-to-last lesbian, I promise! She owns a bakery, has a small sailboat, and generally radiates positive vibes. Her favorite thing to do is sit outside in the sun with her best friends and chat. She’s friends with Darcy’s parents, Ellie’s parents, and almost all of Emma’s family. It’s only natural that Doris would befriend Darcy, Ellie, and Emma, then. Her bakery is a gathering point for people looking for a quiet spot to chill, kids who are off from school, and fishermen coming back from the ocean. She’s Doris’ cousin, though she’s 29 and Doris is 15. In fact, Ellie, Darcy, Michael, Doris, and Emma are all 15. Her favorite things to bake are scones and apple pie. She enjoys watching people fail at baking, before trying to help them and show them where they went wrong. It’s the simple things in life that matter, huh. Pronouns are she/her.

Mayor Lewis (Voice Of Reason)

The lesbian mayor of Slate Beach, Mayor Sophia Lewis is the oldest character of the bunch. She’s 56 and treats the town like family. Probably because she’s a Mom Friend. It’s a small town, she can find time to hang out with everyone. At least, that’s what she says. She’s single but not too unhappy about it, and has two golden retrievers named Lucy and Scout. She’s definitely not afraid of the pile of paperwork on the desk. She has a boat called the Argo and spends a lot of her free time on the water with friends and family. She definitely decks the old thing out in pride flags, year-round. Also puts Christmas lights on it in December as part of a ongoing challenge against the other towns in the area as to who can be the most festive. The red and green magic fireworks provided by Darcy sealed Slate Beach’s position as the most festive town. Her sister is half sea nymph, and Mayor Lewis took it upon herself to travel the ocean to inform her sister’s mom about her sister’s new baby. Mayor Lewis is human. It’s complicated, she says. She may be old, but she loves to mess around and have fun. Pronouns are she/her. Also, I couldn’t find a Picrew with both wrinkles and skin tones that weren’t just two different shades of white, so bear with Younger Sophia. She owned many a pair of pink glasses and earrings back in her heyday. pink. But hey, her friends were all wearing it and she isn’t immune to peer pressure. Trust me, she aged extremely well.

And here’s the Picrew I used for Mayor Lewis:

https://picrew.me/share?cd=yv01G7rIDM

Here’s the Picrew I used for everyone else: https://picrew.me/share?cd=cH1BeFugtA

2.6.23 ~ Build Yourself an Aquarium and Stick Your Head in It

Today is Jeremy’s birthday: Jeremy, the boy who never grew up, but somehow still managed to leave me for a 40 year old woman with two high school age children . . . 

I have nothing to say to him. He ruined my birthday last year. I drove him out of my house in a drunken rage the day before it and he never came back, save to pick up his stuff with his brother and grandparents in an awkward, hurried rush . , , I guess my birthday gift from him was that I was finally free. 

But does he really deserve the satisfaction of me saying “happy birthday” when he made my life hell for so many years, then left on such a sour note on what could have been the last happy birthday I ever had?

I’m not sure. Only tomorrow will tell. Because tomorrow, coincidentally, is also the day that my father is getting checked for some extremely weird and rare form of cancer.

I dreamed of my grandmother’s house last night. His mother . . . I dreamed that Jeremy was there with a short Asian girl who was his girlfriend or wife, and she planned to convert the house into an aquarium.

I made my dad laugh today. I told him about the dream, and I said about Jeremy, “Build yourself an aquarium and stick your head in it.” 

~

My life has been so convoluted and constricted by the black ink tendrils of misery and addiction for the past year that I can’t even remember half of what I’ve said or done. That relationship dragged on for 15 years . . . And it feels somehow that I lost ten years off my life. 

I feel as old as the decade. 10 years behind, or maybe even longer . . . Still just a kid desperate to grow up--free from the chains of that depressive, autistic weirdo (I’m one to talk)--but still trapped in a prison of my own making, with thicker bars than I could bash my head through in a thousand lifetimes.

Back when I went to Woodstock in November, I was filled with uncertainty and ready to leave. But now I look back on it so fondly . . . So much has changed that I feel sick to think of what tomorrow may bring.

My father was not what most people would define as “a good man” on a true level. By the standards of society, perhaps he was. I honestly couldn’t tell you. But all I know is that he gave me the ability to think critically and question society, even if it was through drowning in his own mistakes for all my life. Really, none of that matters at all right now, and probably never will again.

All I want, all I hope, is that I can have a few more years to really get to know him. 

I’m the type of person who struggles immensely with showing emotion in front of others, even behind a screen. I never used to be, but a lot has changed within me over the past few years. I’ve experienced so much loss, so much dissolution of what i believed was fundamental . . . 

Oh, how I wish I could go back ......... if only for an hour, knowing what I know now. But how sad it would be . . . I would probably just sit there and stare off and cry, just like I feel like doing now. But the tears will never come.

In the shower I stood there for minutes or maybe even half an hour, I couldn’t tell. And I cried so hard that I couldn’t even hear the sobs. I imagined Jesus Christ hanging naked and shameful, broken on the cross, wounds dragging him down from his wrists to his elbows cracking beneath the weight . . . 

And I understood how and why so-called Christians find solace in the fact that even the avatar of God himself suffers and dies. 

Oh, to reap the pain in the black holes of midnight again ... to taste the euphoria of true disconnection from the fucking mainframe . . . I would break my skull this very moment if it meant I could go back and undo the damage I’ve done, the pain I’ve caused myself and others. 

I never listened. I was always the smartest person in the room. I mean this both sarcastically and literally. People have been giving me horrible advice for all my life, and for all my life I’ve been following it. 

I was finally on the right track, but then I lost momentum because I fell for the trap of a “traditional job” after I already broke the mold. Then the divorce happened, and since then it’s been nothing but shit. Good moments are speckled within the slime pits of torment, but they’re few and far between--but I I thought I knew suffering a week ago, and holy fucking hell was I wrong.

My father told me to finish my book today for the first time in . .. my entire life. My mother gave me a ring that belonged to my grandmother, made of my birthstone, shaped in the formation of the demon star in the throne of Ovium. 

I wonder if my father ever knew about my black metal project. One time he said something weird to me, mildy amused, like, “I heard you wanted to make a band.”

I used to be so good at playing guitar. I could trem pick so fast not even carpel tunnel could catch me. But now I’m dead, and not in the good way. Gutted and vivisected like at Unit 731, but there’s nothing gained from the seething agony. It isn’t even interesting. The screams aren’t even articulate.

It’s a private spectacle--one enjoyed only by fellow sad clowns on the fringes of reality, like you out there, lonely and weird enough to make it to the end of this post.

~

Since these take a significant amount of time and energy to write I’m going to start adding this to these personal posts. It will most likely just be a copy-paste of the following message. But I know some of you have followed me for endless years, so . . .

Over the past year I’ve ruined my life through gambling addiction, stupid decisions, mental illness, addiction, and other bullshit. I used to be a somewhat prolific writer. I’ve seen it all. From science fiction pulps to Fortune 100 companies, I’ve met people you wouldn’t believe, and struck them down too . . . But even though I’ve had opportunities that most people could only dream of, my finances are fucked beyond repair. So if you happen to be a rich weirdo/Illuminati bloodline/alien hacktivist, feel free to send me some money. 

I used to be a black metal musician too. Maybe someday I will be again. This is all I can offer you in return: https://wormheart-black-metal.bandcamp.com/album/wings-of-a-celestial

Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/StarlessImperium

bitcoin: 1JXXTKdsx7qUbjDRDiRmzDd5RTmpxeUDC6

If you want physical Wormheart CDs or signed letters, send me a private message.

I will not gamble the money. I will use it to rebuild my life and break the chains I strangled myself with. If you have the power to help me, give me one last chance. 

Hey, I saw your lower decks but something’s wrong edits. I keep having this idea in my mind of a shore leave episode where Tendi meets Rutherford’s family. Do you have any lower decks headcanons? Im just curious. I can share some of my headcanons. I have quite a few.

Oh so fucking many headcanons.

* Rutherford and Tendi are both autistic.

* Tendi (and all Orions, and this is probably not unique among sentient humanoids) are technically not eukaryotes. Their cells don’t have nuclei. I dunno why; Tendi just gives off strong non-eukaryotic energy. I will not elaborate.

* Orions have two spines, an extra set of ribs, two hearts (but which basically require each other to function), and despite some visual evidence countering it, they all have blue blood, not just Tendi.

* Tendi lived with her aunt and uncle, as it was too dangerous to live with her parents. Her aunt and uncle owned a workshop--her cousin D’onni uses the skills he learned to make art forgeries. (Explains Tendi’s handiness when she spends her free time working on maintenance stuff with Rutherford.)

* Tendi had an interest in astronomy--see the next bullet point--but upon reaching the Federation she learned more about her own anatomy than her expensive tutors on Orion taught her, and became fascinated with biology. (evidence: her interest in the Trivoli Pulsar).

* General star trek headcanon: Orion the planetary system is near Messier 42, the Orion Nebula, and has an excellent view of both the nebula (which appears as it does visually in large-aperture telescopes), and the Orion OB1 association of hot young stars. The planet-forming Orion nebula is of utmost scientific importance, but is overrun with Orion Syndicate Pirates.

* Boimler has ex-borg trauma and finds it incredibly difficult to talk about and have anyone take seriously because it was all just a hologram. My brother wrote a fic about this, I’m Not Excretus.

* Boimler’s purple hair is alien, but he is a human. Basically like, in Jay Eaton’s Runaway To The Stars universe, there’s GMO humans and “typical” humans, but since GMO and typical humans can have babies, GMO genes still end up in the human population. Boimler is a human on earth who grew up in Modesto CA, his parents were both human, but some ancestor was half-alien and he inherits the purple hair genes from them. But he’s still human.

* Brad Boimler has two mothers (G’vertrude Boimler and Ellis Muller) and one brother, Edward Boimler. Well, now two brothers, since he has his transporter clone William. G’vertrude’s currently in the future and if Brad lives to his 90s he might see her again; Ellis has all but disowned him and likes William Boimler better because he’s more successful. He grew up being heavily pressured to be successful by Ellis, and he was. This is explored somewhat in my fic Two Ghosts.

* I don’t have many headcanons about Rutherford’s family! Would be interested to hear more about that.

* Prior to LD S1E1, Rutherford and Boimler were close friends, maybe even knowing eachother at the academy. Their one-on-one friendship showcased in the Mugato episode was especially fun. Rutherford and Mariner were also close friends. Mariner and Boimler barely tolerated one another until the events of S1E1 and S1E2.

* Rutherford and Mariner were either on shore leave together on Earth or on an away mission together when Rutherford had the accident that lead to him getting his implant. And also the implant was installed (supposedly) to repair brain damage. (S2E10 spoilers complicate this)

* Rutherford, Boimler, and Tendi are all about the same age and are one year out of the Academy. Tendi spent her year on Outpost 57 or whatever, and Rutherford and Boimler spent it on the Cerritos. They’re all 23 or 24.

* McMahan said in an interview at some point that Mariner’s position in S1 of Lower Decks is basically after a whole seven seasons of television happened to her. She already had a story arc where she started in Boimler’s shoes and had to decide whether she was going to break the system or fit into it, which is what Boimler has to do now. Very cool. But. This means Mariner is about 7 years older than the others, making her 30 during the events of S1.

* Beckett Mariner grew up on the Enterprise. She would have been 13 in TNG season 1. For reference, Wesley is 16 that year. Mariner would have been beginning her career during the Dominion War and rose through the ranks quickly. Something happened, we still don’t know what (and I’m ok with some things remaining a mystery), and she was demoted. And demoted. And demoted. She feels guilt for whatever that something was, and part of her insistence at remaining lower decks is because responsibility terrifies her. Which is why she much prefers taking orders and ignoring them to giving orders. She can save the day while risking her own life, which means nothing to herself, rather than risking anyone else’s.

* Lower Decks S2 takes place in 2382. I don’t know where the idea that a season isn’t a year in LD came from, but there’s a several months time skip from S1 to S2 and in a recorded memory we see Tendi and Rutherford celebrating New Year’s Eve 2382.

OK holy shit I forgot to post again yesterday

It is 1:16 AM and I have a school meeting later today that I might sleep through due to me generally only being able to sleep during the FUCKING DAYTIME

But oh well I said I'd post and so I shall post

Autistic! Levi stimming

And some stuff about my personal experience since it's how I best relate to people and situations

Okay so I know I made a post about stim toys

But this is the best I've got at now 1:18 AM so bear with me

So a lot of people do things with their hands or arms. I personally don't do that, but I could see Leviathan doing that.

Does anyone else have a negative stim? Like when there's something you really just DO NOT like? Because whenever that happens I need to move my toes/curl them up. I don't know why, it's always been like that.

I also used to get so frustrated and angry with myself that I'd hit myself in the head while crying. Not a joke. I'd consider it a stimming thing but thankfully I grew out of it. However I can see Leviathan doing something self-destructive as a stim and his brothers learning about this and then having people near him if he gets too overwhelmed just to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or slip into a panic attack.

There are different types of stims, this I know. I'm gonna be perfectly honest; I've never met another autistic person in my life, and I haven't looked into it a lot, so I can really only speak on my own experiences. However I do know that there are happy stims, so I can only assume there are negative ones as well. There are for me, at least. Lol. And Levi, in my headcannon.

One way this man stims is by swimming or just generally being near water. It's a reason why he has that huge fish tank in his room.

I feel like he'd play with his tail to stim as well. Like feeling the scales and such, or maybe even hugging it when he's in his demon form and really happy (which is an adorable mental image)

Would play with his fingers as a stim, and bounce his legs. This is stuff I do, so idk how common it is, but I can see him doing it as well.

This isn't really a stim thing (unless it is and I'm dumb) but I do imagine him having some sort of comfort item. I personally have one; a multicolored stuffed dog that I've had since I was born. I can't sleep without the thing, and holding it helps me calm down.

Of course using stim toys is part of this, because...look at what they're called lol

I feel like certain songs would help him stim as well. I don't really get this one either, but I know it helps some people, and it's probably the TSL theme songs for him, or the theme song for the show Ruri-Chan is in.

I know some people don't like music because it stims them in a negative way, but for me it's neutral. I like music, but it doesn't make me overly happy or overly sad.

Once again, not really a stim thing, but if he got a service dog or an ESA, I feel like holding them or petting them would be very comforting to him. I have an ESA in my life, my grumpy ol dog. He's a good boy and looks like a puppy still despite being 11 years old...pictures included because I want people to appreciate him just as much as I do.

OK so that's all I have at now 1:30 AM

Sorry

But I wanted to get something out, at least.

And here he is

The good boi

Alador Blight and why I think he could be redeemed

copy/pasting a rant I just did in Discord at 3am so its not worded well

THIS IS NOT MENT TO START DEBATES, AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE WITH THOSE WHO DISAGREE, I AM MERELY SHARING MY VIEW OF THIS CHARACTER. IGNORE IF YOU THINK IM WRONG.

Tw’s for discussions of my own abuse experiences

Alador is not irredeemable Hes not a good parent at current, but hes very obviously gripped under Odalia's abuse along side his kids, hella neurodivergent, and likely hasnt fully realized how much damage Odalia has done due to his heavy work load. Hes very clearly more of an absent parent than an abusive one, again not great but not irredeemable

GENUINELY I SEE ALOT OF MY OWN PARENTAL SITUATION IN THESE TWO!! My dad was and is hella emotionally abusive, and very much so was to my mother, who when we were kids was extremely busy with college and work to support a 5 person household She couldnt always protect us!! She tried her best, especially with our older brother, who nearly got physical abuse several times!! but she was an extremely busy woman at the time. Me and my siblings dont blame her for that! Infact after she got away from dad we all grew alot closer because shes a good ass mother. Obviously not perfect, no parent is, but shes one of my most trusted people and Im so glad I didnt lose her.

I see Alador as very similar!! He stops Odalia when he can, does his best to stay on her good side while doing so. And is incredibly busy making abominations so the family can keep up their lifestyle. Hes not a good parent by any means, but he isnt actively harming his kids, and isnt just "quietly using them for power"!! He's just so caught up in his work that he cant always help his kids. And I genuinely think that Amity's rebellion in their episode will spur Alador into some form of redemption, and we'll at least see the start of him rebuilding his relations with his kids. Fuck Amity is around the same age my brother and I were when my mom left my dad, which is just another parallel. Its also worth noting w/ the blight kids its always "dont tell mom", none of them worry about what Alador will think, which is very similar to my own childhood Alador has so much potential to be an amazing father, and getting out from under Odalias thumb is just the begining of that reformation.

People keep acting like Alador is just "Odalia but quiet", when Odalia is the prominent one through the whole episode, Alador barely speaks and half the time he does he's fucking half asleep. (I get this can tear apart my argument to, but Im reiterating that I saw this exact behavior in my mom when I was young) We mostly get facial expressions from him, which show that he's noticing Amity's ability and growth, pointing it out to Odalia to make her take it a bit easier on Amity

They also mention his smirks, or smiles to Odalia during scenes and it is again worth pointing out that he is extremely adhd/autistic coded and could VERY WELL BE MASKING TO NOT ANGER ODALIA. People would think that would involve a bit of noticeable fear but you'd be surprised how well nd's can fake emotions!!

I know most of the fandom disagrees with me here, but thats exactly why I needed to share this, as someone who relates alot to Amity and how her mother treats her. Escaping Expulsion just made me relate to her even more, and sympathize with Alador all because I’ve seen this all before in my own life.

You do not have to agree with me, I will not force anyone to, and again this post isnt made for debate, but I don’t want to start seeing people attack Dana if Alador ends up getting away from Odalia in some way and being a better father.

By all means, see him as irredeemable if you want to, just know that at least one person has lived a very similar toxic family structure, and sees his potential to grow.

“Señorita Perfecta Sicillia”

Similar to “I Am Not Perfect”, in Lia’s Point of View

Hello there, I’m Sicillia (Or Lia). I’m writing about my experiences as a child since my Older Sibling did it a while ago, I’m not exactly good at writing as that’s my Twin’s thing so bare with me please.

Alright, to start, I’ll give a brief explanation so that this makes sense. I’m from a Latino family, I’m Autistic, I’m Gay, I grew up with 3 siblings and a whole bunch of cousins. Not all of them were that great though, seriously…they sucked! My childhood was pretty rough, there was a lot, my father died when I was 3 and a half and I barely even remember him…and then my mother died 6 years later. So, I’m not the only one with a bunch of siblings. My parents also had a bunch of siblings too, which meant more cousins. My favorite one is Harley, Tía Désireé and Tío Hades’ oldest child. We spent a lot of time together, especially after my mother died since Tía Desiree was my mom’s twin sister and we were under her care. But…we also had 3 cousins who we did not like AT ALL, Courtney, Deidre, and Lola. They were the worst. They ruined my childhood. And they ruined my self esteem. They fucked us up real bad, especially me and Devon…

To start, I was one of “Reagan’s perfect Daughters”, everybody thought I was perfect because I did what I was told and because I was quiet and ladylike. Even compared to Reese, I was the perfect child. I had even asked why I was “The Perfect one” and the answer was “Because Devon and Stacey are loud and unladylike, Reese is very ladylike and seems perfect but she has a temper, you on the other hand have no flaws” They had to point out the flaws in my sisters and my mother, they were from dad’s family though which makes sense considering they didn’t really like her. (Well except one of dad’s brothers and his mom) But yeah, I was “Perfect” and because of this, the bad cousins I mentioned earlier dragged me into their little “Club” and never let me out. And Harley was dragged in because I was always with them. They even had a list of reasons why I always allowed into the club which were “Perfect, pretty, wears pretty dresses, can fly, does ballet, plays violin”, I…don’t get how that makes anybody “Perfect”. Also they never knew I played Murder games back at home…I always had to hide my true self and it was tiring, I was jealous that Devon and Stacey never masked themselves but I didn’t wanna be judged all the time like they were. 

They would also say things like “Which boy do you think is the hottest”, I didn’t find them hot, I never found any boy “Hot”. I just always hated when they would say that they thought “I’d marry the most perfect man ever”, I never wanted to marry a man. I never exactly realized I was Gay until I was about 8. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell me about how she liked both men and Women, it never mattered to her. But back then she wasn’t exactly allowed to, she told me stories about this girl she secretly dated for 3 years when she was younger. She said only Tía Désireé and Tía Dulciana knew about it, but mi Abuelo found out about it because he found out Tía Dulciana was transitioning into a woman so he got mad and started snooping through all his children’s things and found all the secret love letters my mom had from her girlfriend, they were forced to break up. Hearing this story made me sad and I felt like being Gay was wrong. That’s why I was in denial for so long about being a Lesbian, I thought I’d be unaccepted…

Everything my family put me through was just awful. Apparently some of my family expected me to plan for a family at a very early age? I think I was about 9 when some of them would tell me to “Act like a lady”, I always thought it was cool how my mom had swords but mi abuelo said that he wished my mom was more ladylike and my mom said “I think it’s important for girls to learn how to defend themselves in a cruel world like this. Besides, swordfighting is really fun!”, I loved hearing my mom talk about that stuff, about how she stood up to her father when he said such hurtful words. I wish my mother hadn’t died, maybe she could’ve been the one I could talk with about my Queerness. Cause after she died, things began to get worse…

It was after I turned 10 that everything went to shit. That was when everybody (Or so I thought) told me I needed to grow up, they said I was too old to be wearing Twintails, too old to be crying, too old to have dolls, too old to watch cartoons. I even gave up my nickname “Lia” for a while so that I’d seem less childish. It sucked…a lot. I remember when my cousins started acting like bitches, Courtney broke my violin, and Lola and Deidre stole my Miku plushie and I’m pretty sure they ripped it up. Crimson apologized so many times for that, I felt bad for them, they actually had to spend every single day with those bitches. And when I was 12 they asked me if I had any crushes…on boys…and would say “When are you getting a boyfriend already”, like girl, slow the fuck down, I was only 12 years old. “Your Twin sister has a boyfriend already and you don’t! Reese found a boyfriend! Why don’t you and Devon have boyfriends already!?!?” Listen, I am not Reese or Stacey, and I didn’t have a boyfriend and was never getting one because I like Girls, got it? I. LIKE. GIRLS. And yet every time I would argue with them about it, they’d say some bullshit like “You’ll feel it eventually, you’ll fall in love and get married and have the perfect family” because nobody listened, I would often find myself crying in the middle of the night and barely even sleeping…

It wasn’t until recently that I started to be my true self again, my twintails are back and it makes me happy. My Miku plushies and my Paper Dolls are all over my room, my music box from my mother is still playing that comforting tune whenever I feel sad. Maybe it’ll be alright now, I don’t have to be “Señorita Perfecta Sicillia” anymore, I can just be Lia. Autistic Agender Sword Lesbian Lia…

headcanon sets for: daniil, artemy, yulia, andrey

what i think realisitically:

daniil - on top of being autistic daniil also has a lot of mental illness. he's bipolar, he rapid cycles, and he experiences delusions, which has made his work really difficult at times.

artemy - he's internalized a lot of self-hatred from the things people say about both the kin and general and artemy in particular, and that's why he sometimes has these lines of dialogue where he can say just awful things. being in the capital kinda fucked him up.

yulia - she has a lot of issues with anxiety, and that's both why she has the outlook she does and perpetuates the outlook she has. her calculations are incredible, but she also has a tendency to create self-fulfilling prophecies.

andrey - he actually has abysmal self-esteem and is just really good at pretending otherwise. despite his own personal accomplishments he doesn't see himself as the smart twin or the good twin or even as a person on his own, but as a tool. he objectifies himself.

what i think is fucking hilarious:

daniil - the reason he can catch rats in patho 1 despite not being able to race them is actually because daniil just really likes rats. he has rats he keeps at thanatica that were supposed to be experimented on, but he grew too attached to them and now they're just sort of the lab mascots. he named them after the three musketeers.

artemy - he's scared of spiders. he's not really fond of bugs in general, he thinks they're kind of gross (and so daniil having a beetle collection really wigs him out), but spiders? no. he doesn't shriek or anything when he sees them, but he will freeze and stare at it hoping it will go away. even if it's like, a little tiny thing.

yulia - she's actually the instigator of a lot of gaytable shenanigans. she can sense where an argument might crop up and pokes and prods at it until it bursts. she loves to watch the chaos andrey, peter and daniil get into, even if she sits there pretending she's above it all. she's really just observing them like a bacteria culture in a petri dish.

andrey - the artwork you see in the broken heart? not peter's. that's andrey's. he always sees himself as the blunt instrument but he will dabble from time to time in artistic endeavours, he's just not very good at it.

what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends:

daniil - daniil actually secretly wants to be a parent, but he feels it's not something he'll ever be able to do. he's not confident he'll ever meet the right person to settle down with, he's not confident he'd be able to raise a child on his own, and he's not confident he'd make a good parent. so he's nicer to kids than he is to adults because he has this complex where he's envious of their opportunities to have children while simulteanously thinking it's not an option for him.

artemy - artemy is traumatized by ersher's death and, in fact, thinks it's his fault. maybe his death was an accident and artemy was present for it, or maybe it's just magical thinking on artemy's part, but he's bothered by the thought that it should have been him. he also consistently feels like ersher would have made a better successor to isidor than he is, and sometimes even convinces himself that the plague would not have happened had ersher been alive.

yulia - she knew her relationship with aglaya was doomed before it even started, but when they knew each other she figured that the pain would be worth the temporary happiness. in the aftermath she felt she was wrong about that, and closed herself off to future relationships because of it. she likes to think her emotions play no part in her decisions, so she covers up her feelings in a lot of mathematical talk. not that she'd ever let anyone get close enough to see past that, though eva tries. her feeling that relationships are doomed to failure is why she doesn't reach out.

andrey - he doesn't really take any precautions during the pest because he doesn't feel he has all that much to live for. he cares about peter's wellbeing, but not about his own, and so it doesn't matter to him if he gets sick or gets knifed or whatever - as long as no one hurts his brother. he actually takes the blame for things that peter did; for example, i think peter is the one who killed farkhad, and he did it alone. andrey just decided to take the blame for it, though obviously this doesn't stop saburov from speculating.

what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so i believe it anyway:

daniil - daniil is trans and synthesizes his own hormones.

artemy - i go back and forth on this hc but... i actually think... artemy is not necessarily a bad singer... but i think maybe his voice is like... just not classically good if that makes sense? some people like listening to it.... like me i'm gay

yulia - this is specifically about p2 but yulia is a butch lesbian and you cannot change my mind

andrey - andrey and peter are at least part italian.

18, 38, and 39? thank you!!

no no, thank you!

18. How has Star Wars impacted your life?

oh man this is a LONG answer, but boiled down: I have three siblings and my brother closest to me is deadass named Luke, and my mother deadass considered Leia for my name before my dad had to stop her and remind her star wars existed. so I grew up with star wars, especially the prequels (imagine four autistic kids running around hyperfixating on Jar Jar Binks' speech patterns) and actually the like info books about the ships and weapons and stuff were a big part of my early childhood? we used to pick a random number and then whatever page that was, that was our ship, or blaster, or lightsaber.

i think I've said it before, but Obi-Wan’s beskar staff in all we have is hunger is collapsible because we all had toy lightsabers (before they started making them with lights and noises and stuff. I had Mace's! although I didn't know absolutely any character individually because I was like. five.)

but I didn't watch the originals after I was maybe 6, sci fi was never my thing (if star wars can even be considered sci fi lmao) until force awakens. movies are hard for me in general, but ESPECIALLY in theaters where I can't control the volume and can't talk to who I'm watching it with, but I saw force awakens in theaters three times. short version of this is I finally had someone in my life that felt like a best friend is supposed to and force awakens was MASSIVE for us in terms of bonding, and then he had the original trilogy on vhs and while I enjoyed them a LOT, I spent the next four years going from trauma to trauma and sort of forgot how much I enjoyed them

UNTIL the winter of 2019, where I rewatched the originals, loved them so much I almost cried over luke skywalker, and then watched the prequels for the first time since I was younger than ten. with quarantine just a few months later, I was Obi-Wan obsessed and needed an outlet and opened my inbox for prompts

star wars is a little weird for me because it's been around my entire life, to the point where we had to ban vader jokes pretty early (we still call my brother like aunt beru does in a new hope tho), but it was never MINE until last year, when I made this blog, where I've met so many wonderful people, including one of the most important people in my life, I've grown so much as a writer and even as a trans person making this content and FUCK I love star wars

38. Fic recommendations?

i have

SO MANY

the easiest way to do this from my phone tho is link my bookmarks on ao3 and also the tag other people's writing which is my fic tag over here

but especially breathe, just breathe by @bellsyblue which is DinPaz

and Jate'kara by @atelier-dayz who was my first follower and is one of my dearest fandom friends, and like. I can't recommend this JangObi enough

39. If you wrote a 'fix-it fic', what would it be about?

hmmmm I tend to only write different flavors of fix-it, so I'll go with the sequels for a moment

I think everything leading up to Han facing Kylo is fine, but I'd have Finn and Rey decide they'd had enough of his fascist ass THEN and not later outside, and they're stronger together, they save han and fuck kylo up enough that he runs

Han and Leia DON'T get back together, because I think that's lazy in most takes, and at one time in my life (before the last jedi came out probably) I would have had kylo fuck off from the new empire and give him a lil side redemption arc, but these days I'm saying fuck it, and fuck kylo. SO instead we have Finn and Rey tracking Luke down and getting trained and Luke's character isn't butchered so badly he's unrecognizable and leia maybe still dies because that's how life goes and carrie deserves for her to have a satisfying send-off, but poly Finn/Rey/Poe with a side of Rose, an absolute clusterfuck of a relationship that just works. rey is either still a nobody or a kenobi (korkie's, perhaps?), and finn gets to be the soft badass he deserves to be, and poe keeps his fighter pilot backstory and gets to raise a bunch of kids because he deserves it. the trio all have custody of bb8.

Actually FUCK IT IM GOING ON THIS RANT NOW. YOUVE ALL HEARD IT BEFORE BUT I DONT CARE IM MAD

SO 2012 Mikey is an ADHD-coded character. I don’t know if this was on purpose or not, either way it’s extremely obvious in his actions and speech. Quick note, I am also ADHD, so this rant will be a little bias, sorry. I have seen 3 seasons of this show, so I’m not uninformed. I had to stop watching MAINLY BECAUSE OF THIS:

IN THE SERIES NOT ONCE IS IT ADRESSED THAT MIKEY HAS A GENUINELY DIFFICULT TIME CONTROLLING HIMSELF AND HIS BRAIN, AND HES NEVER BEEN HELPED ONCE! HE’S ABUSED AND TREATED LIKE A BURDEN! And I didn’t want to get “mad” or “uncivilized” but you have to admit that MIKEY GETS BEAT UP AND MADE FUN OF JUST FOR WHO HE IS. He doesn’t have a filter, that’s obvious. Yeah, he can be a little brat, but it’s not his fault. You think he wants to be HIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN? He makes a mistake? Smack! He starts talking a lot? Smack! His attention seeking behaviors- more on that later- start to kick in? SMACK! He JUST FUCKING EXISTS AS HIMSELF? SMACK! And the worst part is ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? THIS IS A JOKE? No this is horrible! It’s- dare I say it- ABUSE! I know siblings roughhouse and playfully banter, but this isnt roughhousing, this is one sided and cruel. Mikey, who can’t control himself and his energy no matter how hard he tries, constantly RUNS AWAY from Raph, Leo, AND MAYBE EVEN DONNIE AT ONE POINT. The worst of it is Raph, yeah, OBVIOSULY. You put an “annoying” filterless teen in a room with a hotheaded asshole, not too good. But that’s still his brother. Raph also isn’t completely evil and horrible, he has genuine anger issues that could be solved with some quick education and a better outlet. BUT YOU’D THINK HE WOULD SPARE SOME KINDNESS FOR HIS F A M I L Y. It gets ridiculous! His solution for everything is HIT MIKEY. Now I don’t want to make assumptions, but one of my issues with my dumb dumb electric meat blob is the self-worth issues. I feel bad for what I say and do, because I can’t help it. Thankfully I have coping mechanisms and my ways of helping myself so I can work on staying quiet when I need to, and not feeling such loathing when I don’t. Yknow who DOESNT know what to do, and isn’t even sure why he’s like this and probably thinks he’s A SCREW UP BECAUSE THERES LITERALLY A WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT THAT? Mikey. AND YKNOW WHO DOESNT HELP? HIS FAMILY. YEAH THEY GREW UP IN THE SEWERS BUT YOUD THINK THE S C I E N T I S T WOULDVE NOTICED. But, no, Donnie verbally berates and belittles him. Leo’s okay, he does chase him around at only one point I can think of, and (albeit a headcanon that Leo’s autistic) he felt that Mikey disrespected something important to him, and yknow what fine as long as you apologize and don’t do it again, yeah whatever. It’s just ONCE. Raph hits Mikey EVERY EPISODE. AND ITS A J O K E??? N O. This genuinely influences young kids, especially young boys who were the target audience of the show, and this can HURT SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS. This normalizes the hitting and the yelling and the abuse. I don’t think siblings should roughhouse at all, and when they do it should be taken seriously and be treated as if two unrealated kids fought. A little fighting is natural, but THE LEVELS THE SHOW GOES TO HURTS. IT HURTS ME. I didn’t grow up with 2012, my parents wanted me to be all girly, but I watched 3 seasons about a year ago. And I hated the treatment of what I saw as a relatable character. Anyways stan Mikey, kill Raph, agree to disagree.

Oh and now because MIKEY ALSO HAS MASSIVE ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIORS here’s a mini segmant. I believe he is like this because of things like he wants constant attention and focus on him. He has a generally loud presence and he doesn’t try and hide it. The reason he probably doesn’t mask is because 1. He really can’t, he’s too exhausted to try because at this point nothing helps, and 2. Because he wants attention. And sadly that means negative attention too. A mix of ADHD and constant dismissive and negative behavior to you makes for a FUN RIDE when people aren’t giving you attention. And that’s really unhealthy. This probably stems either from or into self-esteem and anxiety issues. And I don’t want to say it’s HIS FAMILY’S FAULT but he spent 15 (or 16?) in the sewers with ONLY HIS FAMILY. If he needs constant attention and reassurance (and is infantalized which I ALSO HATE) then it’s probably because he didn’t receive enough positive attention when he was younger. In fact people even phrase things like “Attention-Seeking Behavior as a Symptom of Psychological Distress” which considering the show was “angsty” or “dark” I’m surprised they didn’t look into. If the show really wanted to be interesting I think they should’ve kept Mikey as an important character and not just comedic relief.

do you have a general idea of Chris’s friend group? I know I picture his friends being theater nerds, or having colored hair and piercings, or being considered social outcasts, and having very niche and nerdy interests because I have friends like that and they’d adopt Chris the first chance they got

So far, I know this much:

Dylan: Chris’s roommate. He’s just some guy, you know? He got A’s and B’s in high school. He’s 19 years old, he was an ‘old’ kid in his class. He didn’t really do extracurriculars much except for he did some football stuff his sophomore year until his mom freaked out about bruises and head trauma and pulled him out. He’s a freshman. I don’t know what he’s studying, but probably something like Communications or Marketing.

Marissa: Theater major, total actress. Talks with her hands, very expressive gestures. Her cat-eye eyeliner is so constant it seems like part of her face. She’s going through a series of hair colors, each more elaborately dyed than the last. She’s funny and dry-witted and commands the attention of a room surprisingly effortlessly. She met Chris during Orientation and latched onto him.

Kirsten: Marissa’s best friend, they knew each other in high school. Kirsten thinks Chris is the hottest fucking thing she’s ever seen but she’d never go for it, she’s very shy. She is very quiet and kind of enjoys just letting Marissa get all the attention while Kirsten sits in the corner reading a book. People routinely seem baffled by the fact that they’re friends, but it works for them. 

Laken: Not part of the group, but they live on the same floor as Chris and hang out with them a lot when they’re i the lobby, and they’re a theater major that does set-building, too. Laken’s a sophomore, and basically only wears black. They have black hair and Chris is falling hard and is alternately somewhat obsessed with Laken and terrified of getting close to them. Laken is very physical and this is thrilling and awful for Chris in equal measures.

Ben: Ben’s an art major, specialization drawing. Has a pencil behind one ear all the time, mostly just wears whatever fucking clothing seems less dirty than his other clothes. He’s kind of off in his head a lot. He lives on Chris’s floor and is the first person to pick up on his ‘fidgeting’ for what it really is, his little brother is autistic.

Samantha: Goal: to design costumes for Broadway. She’s ambitious but she has a plan and she is working hard, she’s had this goal since she was eleven and she’s going to make it happen. Samantha is in a long-distance relationship with a girl from high school and she is VERY dramatic about it. She has red hair that is very curly, the kind of hair they tell you you’ll ‘grow into’. Well she grew into it, and she still kind of wishes it looked any other way. 

Will: Theater major, actor. Will’s parents are shit and he never speaks to them except in arguments on the phone occasionally, which stresses Chris out badly. Will eats a lot of Doritos at midnight and routinely goes to sleep at 2 AM and then gets up at 7:15 for his 8 AM classes. Will has been secretly attending pet lib meetings but he hasn’t told anyone he’s into the lib thing and he’s worried all his friends would stop talking to him if he spoke out openly about it. 

Alex: Lives across the hall from Chris and Dylan. Not part of their friends group, Alex is essentially starting a small criminal empire selling illegal things out of his dorm room. Sometimes he crashes into Chris and Dylan’s room and begs for snacks and then demands they watch episodes of Family Guy with him. Chris thinks he’s fascinating to be around. Dylan is almost certainly one of his customers. Alex is currently attempting to secretly grow hallucinogenic mushrooms in the heater at the end of the hall. He looks a lot like Kauri, which is occasionally starting for Chris.

Kendra: Art major, friends with Ben. She is constantly painting at the end of the hall and Chris likes to just go sit there and watch her paint with her drink next to her on the floor. They don’t really talk about anything. She just paints, and Chris just watches. Lately she lets him take the brush and make tiny little marks here and there, so that the painting is partly his, too.