#jumping to conclusions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

free--therapy · 6 months

Note

It's anon!

Umm I've been thinking about whether certain thoughts are normal or common when someone's dealing with anxiety or even just overthinking in general?

First of all, you know how I've mentioned that some of the topics I worry about are...well....weird or not as normal. Recently, I've again started worrying about the content I watched so many years ago. I thought I was totally over this by the end of 2021 because after that, I never let this topic bother me at all. But suddenly almost two years later in again worrying about it.

The thoughts could be anything like "Why did you watch it? What does it mean?" "What does it say about you?" "Are you looking at that sort of stuff in a weird way in real life too?" Etc. There are SO many other thoughts I have related to this topic too....it's like a million different "what ifs" have suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, as this topic is a bit weird so I haven't been able to really share anything about my worries related to it to anyone else, not even my sister. Which makes me feel lonely sometimes. And you know how the more we don't share it, the more it feels like it's real or as if it's really the truth? That's what's been bothering me a lot recently.

You see, about my elder sister, she knows that I've been struggling a bit with anxiety the last few months but I've only told her that "I've been overthinking and feeling anxious and not feeling good the last few weeks especially sinc October started" but I don't share with her any details at all about what it is that I'm exactly worrying about. This is because, first of all, I've been overthinking about a lot of different topics and some of those topics are weird to share with others too.

So while she knows that I've been overthinking, she doesn't know how bad it actually is because I never show it openly at all. So she probably thinks it's a minor thing and since she's not the anxious type at all, she doesn't really know how much it takes over my every day or how it really affects my mood.

My elder sister is a practical sort of person so she seldom lets overthinking affect her anymore than normal. She can let it go easily. So while I know she loves me but today when I just joked about how I was feeling really worse (I wasn't joking but couldn't say it in any other way tbh) she just said, "You know you're overthinking so why are you letting it bother you? It's your fault that you let it get this further. You could've stopped right when it first started. You should train your mind to think differently." And I know she meant it nicely but hearing her say "It's your fault" made me feel so bad, I had a whole breakdown after that in my room. I know it's my fault for letting my mind affect me this way but I can't help being sad if it affects me so much mentally right? She says I could try to be happier instead of focusing on the negative so much and I know she means well but it's like.....if it was so easy then I could've never been in this cycle at all right? I felt so lonely when she said that.

Honestly, it's my fault because right from childhood I've been the sort of child in our family who rarely shares her needs and wants. I always just suck it up and comply with my parents and siblings. I try to be the "understanding one" always and never ever share how I really feel about any situation. It's like a facade I've built over a long time that I'm always "chill" with things. But I didn't do that on purpose. Maybe I just never wanted to disappoint them and I didn't want them to feel like I'm a burden by troubling them. I wanted to be loved by them and wanted them to pay attention to me. So I always kept the important things and feelings inside me and only shared other stuff with them. Even now, I don't share what I genuinely think about certain things with them even though I trust them. And it's my fault I did that but I didn't know any better, I was just a child. Even now, I feel like I'm still a child. It's like having to act as the more "understanding one" growing up ended up making me feel more like a child as I grew up.

But now, because of that, now I can't share my feelings even though they feel so heavy right now. Maybe I need someone to hear me out now more than ever but I can't bring myself to lay bare like that you know? I did share my worries about "me overthinking if I'm a bad person" with my sister though but so far that's the only topic of worry I've shared with her. Everything else is just more weird and....just not something I can expect them to understand. And yet when she said today that "it's my fault" I just barely controlled crying right in front of her lol

Sometimes I hate myself for being this way and for worrying about so many things that don't matter. But then, it's at times like these when I need to be all the more kind, loving and compassionate towards myself right? Since it feels so worse right now, I need to say nice things and remind myself that it'll be okay, right?

Which brings me to the other questions I have: So since many of my worries are also kind of weird (or a bit bizarre), if I ever get a therapist/psychiatrist in the future, is it even okay to share every worry with them? I mean, I usually don't talk about my thoughts in detail, especially when it comes to the more weird ones. But that also makes me feel like because of that, I can't really get proper help since I don't go too much into the details.

But is it okay to share all the thoughts (even the weird details) with a therapist? And when I don't want to share some certain details, is it okay to believe that even without sharing those, I can still heal and move on? I don't know, recently, I've started worrying that "Even if I do get professional help, can they even understand what I'm saying?" "What if they judge me for my weird worries?" "Or even worse, what if they misunderstand?" Like for example, if suppose I share that I read those manga with adults doing stuff with children (ugh I hate talking about this in detail) in the past and if I actually wanted to share what kind of thoughts related to it I've been overthinking about then for that, I might have to go into some details about my thoughts right? Would that be okay? Wouldn't that be weird for them?

What if they end up thinking I'm actually a ped*phile or something? That will just trigger me more won't it? What if they completely misunderstand that these thoughts are "my worries" and instead end up thinking that I'm interested in that and end up diagnosing me with something completely different or something? I mean, my worries could be "what if I'm interested in that?" but that's my worry and I'm going to a therapist to help me let go of that worry and see the situation more realistically. But what if instead of doing that, they end up misunderstanding me completely?

I can't help but overthink about this stuff which just triggers me more. I mean, if I think rationally, I can see how they're trained professionals who know how the mind works and how it brings up these awful "what ifs" and they must know, much better than me, to not believe these thoughts or how to deal with those.

I understand that and yet, my anxious self just can't help but overthink about stuff like "What details can you share with them? Which details can you not?" "Can you even share the details about your worries at all?" "Will they even understand?" "What if they just judge me and think somethings wrong with me for having all the weird bizzare worries?"

What do you think? Am I just overthinking about this again? Sometimes I can't distinguish between what's a genuine concern and what's an irrational anxiety triggered thought. So I can't distinguish between which thoughts I should really be rationalising and which thoughts I shouldn't get entangled with at all. I mentioned this in the last ask too.

It's like I had completely forgotten how bad these thoughts and overthinking can actually feel. Since the beginning of 2022, I haven't had any spiral which was "too bad" most were manageable and I was doing great as I've said many times. So I rarely had times where I felt like "this thought/worry won't ever go away" and I rarely had times where I would "genuinely" believe or be "genuinely concerned" about certain thoughts. The last time I felt this way was back in 2021 when I first had these thoughts. So feeling this way again after so long is pretty scary tbh.

One of the biggest concerns I have is worrying what I'll do if I really internalize these thoughts or what I'll do if I really end up believing them. This concern is what leads me to ruminate over the worries related to the past and future instead of rationalising in a healthy way.

I mean, suppose the worry thought about me worrying about me being a ped*phile. What if I end up believing it deep down? What if that ends up bothering my actual life and relationships? Etc. These thoughts lead to more detailed thoughts about the topic and it keeps getting worse, one detail after another. That's what I mean. It's kinda similar to people who worry about "losing control" over themselves due to anxiety.

The idea that "if I don't do something about this thought, I might end up believing it" or "if I don't completely get rid of it or if I don't rationalise it completely, then it might start affecting me and my life really and something worse might happen" or "if I don't do something about this, I might believe this" .....these are the types of thoughts which end up making me feel really concerned and so I end up getting stuck in a cycle of rumination over it, trying to find a "solution" to the thought, which doesn't even exist.

I just keep trying to control the situation or control my thoughts/feelings just in case the worst case scenario comes to pass. So overthinking and considering every single possibility and every "what if", no matter how bizzare it is, and trying to find a solution for every single one "just in case" but then that leads to really triggering worry thought which might seem to affect my sense of self. So this in turn affects me more and leads to more rumination.

And then the idea that despite having so many thoughts that affect me so much and feel so heavy, I may not be able to share all of these (or at least, most of these) with anyone, not even a therapist, because "what if these worry thoughts of mine are too weird and bizzare?" But thinking like that just makes me feel kinda hopeless, like there's no way out or something.

I mean, after all, it's not like I can erase these thoughts from my mind and I want help exactly because I need to find ways to combat them or how to approach these thoughts and not believe them.

Is all these kinds of worries common with people who overthink or have anxiety?

Sorry for asking so many questions again 😭 And thank you for reading!

Hey Anon,

I'm not sure what kind of tone your sister had when she said those things to you, but she's not entirely wrong with what she said. We all are responsible for what goes on in our minds and how we react to things, however, if we weren't given the right tools to figure out how to manage them, then obviously that's what makes it difficult. I used to hate when people used to say those things to me because it felt like it was so easy to them, and now that I made it out to the other side, I can definitely see how natural it has become now that I've learned all the techniques to be able to let thoughts go and not let things that used to bother me so much affect me anymore.

What isn't helpful about people saying those things is that they don't even offer any help or advice to reach that way of thinking! That always bothered me. I know for some people their intent isn't malicious, but when you're the one who is struggling and feeling so incredibly helpless, it may seem so counterintuitive and you end up getting mad at yourself because you haven't reached this point that feels so unattainable.

When it comes to therapy, you only get out of it what you're willing to put in. I wouldn't expect you to unload everything all at once since it takes time to even build up trust with a stranger to tell them things. It's definitely easier though to talk to strangers about your worries than people you know and love. I know it took me a long while to open up to my therapist, but you only have to share what you're comfortable with and then work towards being able to trust them enough to finally talk about those really deep things that are bothering you. You only have to share what you want to, so don't feel like you absolutely need to share everything. I do believe that once you're able to handle some of the smaller issues and worries, you can learn to apply them to everything in your life since a lot of your fears and worries all have a similar formula.

A therapist's job is to help you and not judge or criticize you. If you feel like they are doing so by the types of things they say, then maybe they're not the one for you. I know it's discouraging when you have to start over with someone new and invest more time and energy to build up trust, but if you're really determined to figure out how to handle your worries, it'll all be worth it to you. I was super hungry to get to the bottom of all of my worries and fears and I didn't stop until I was able to tackle them all (and I still apply them to any new ones that may pop up these days). There are also therapists for just about anything, so I don't think what you've been burdened with will be anything new to them. There are people with weird sexual addictions and fetishes that seek therapists too, and those kinds of therapists have likely heard it all. Of course it always seems like we're alone with our worries when pretty much everyone else keeps so much of their shame to themselves. You have to be okay with getting uncomfortable for the sake of recovery. It's worth it, Anon!

Also, you're already jumping to conclusions with all these assumptions you're making to not see the therapist, even though I can tell you actually want to get help. Don't let yourself keep yourself from getting the help you know you want and need. You are worthy and well deserving of it and not even your thoughts should keep you from believing that ❤

#ask #answered #anon #overthinking #jumping to conclusions #therapy #rumination #anxious thinking #anxiety

0 notes