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neutron-stars-collision · 3 years

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The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 23 - So Far From Who I Was

Masterlist; Chapter 22

Summary: As plans for operation in Stalsk-12 are underway, you and Neil can’t seem to find a common ground. His selfish plans overturn everything...

Warnings: Even more angst (sorry!!! swear it will be over very soon); swearing; some slightly dubious thoughts appearing in the reader’s minds but it’s nothing too serious.

Author’s Notes: Okay, I’m really sorry for the 10.8k, but it once again shows that I’m incapable of writing short things. This one is a wild ride and it was fun to write even if painful at times... I hope you’ll ‘enjoy’! Let me know how you liked it... and I promise... fun is near :)))

From that morning, when the precious intel magically appeared for you all to use, the metaphorical dice were cast. The last stage of the plan was officially on, and there was not much time to waste. After two days of chaotic talks, interrupted by training and trying to make sense of living aboard the icebreaker, you were told to meet with everyone else on the bridge for the official confab. Your war council consisted of TP, Neil, Ives, Wheeler, and yourself. And you were the first to admit that you had no clue what your job was supposed to be there. However, ignoring the deepening sleep deprivation, pounding headache, and weariness that has made home in your heart, you made it to the destination with time to spare. That morning the sky over the Barents Sea was overcast with heavy, grey clouds, increasing your internal melancholia and tiredness. Basically, life was hard. And you still contemplated joining the seals. Probably more often than any sane person should. But then you never really considered yourself rational. Sighing, for the umpteenth time this morning, you sat down on the sofa and relished in the solitude. In moments like this, without the oxygen mask making you feel close to suffocation, or the looming danger of losing your control around certain individuals, you were almost at peace. They never lasted long.

“Morning sunshine,” Ives marched into the room with a grin on his face.

He was one of the people you could tolerate. Still.

“Hi,” you cracked a smile of your own in his direction.

He took off the mask and opened up the laptop, preparing for the meeting. After a few minutes of companionable silence, Ives groaned, stretching his limbs exaggeratedly.

“The bloody bunkbeds are a pain in the arse,” you snickered at the comment.

“My condolences,” offering him a mournful expression, you stood up.

Wandering over to the panoramic windows, you took a moment to stare at a seagull diving on the horizon. Well, technically it was springing up from the sea, but you preferred to imagine the traditional way of things. Just to maintain a functioning brain.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Prince Charming looking out for their comfort you know” the casual remark made you look up at Ives.

Sure as hell, he was grinning smugly, satisfied by how he has managed to catch you off guard. But that was not the most outraging bit…

“Prince Charming?” you repeated with a deepening frown, “Spare me please, I’d rather forget he exists” conversation was ruined.

Prince Charming, my ass. Unless those tended to be lying bastards that never knew what they wanted. Or terrifyingly beautiful idiots that should never be trusted. Well… fuck.

“Good luck with that” Ives patted you on the shoulder.

You knew that despite the nonchalance, he was someone you could count on. For a second, you contemplated asking him to punch Neil next time he shows up. However, all train of thought disappeared when the man himself walked into the room the very next minute. That same neutral smile on his face, blocking off any attempts to read his mood. His gaze slipped over you. A shadow of a frown as though your presence was not a pleasant discovery. Just brilliant.

“Good morning” Neil nodded in your direction.

You could see Ives hesitate as though wondering how much could have been overheard. You found that you did not care. Ever since your blunder in the kitchen, you came to a decision that you need not hold back. Neil never did, after all.

“Morning mate” Ives squeezed his shoulder in a greeting.

Before either of you were forced to initiate small talk, TP marched in, with Wheeler following at his heels. With the whole team on board, you could skip the awkwardness and begin. You took your seat on the side of the table and placed the dossier with plans right in front. That way, you could have an easy escape should it be needed. These days you could never know for sure. The first surprise of the meeting took place when you heard a scrape of the chair on your side, followed by someone sitting down. One look was needed to ascertain that it was the blonde bastard. Fab. You refused to give him any satisfaction of being caught staring and so you focused on the documents, reading the same set of instructions for the hundredth time.

“Do you want coffee?” his question took you by surprise.

Looking up into his blue eyes always felt too startling. Especially considering your history. But that did not seem to matter whenever your gazes met. That same jolt of electricity heightening your senses. Until you would look away again, Neil was everything you could focus on. On the periphery of your attention, you could see Wheeler prepare cups of the beverage in the small kitchenette. Right…

“Yes, please,” perplexed by his helpfulness, you gave him the tiniest of smiles.

In response, Neil only nodded and got up, joining Wheeler at the counter. That was surprising. Somehow you assumed that he would do everything not to interact with you like that. And yet he was willing to get you coffee, knowing full well how dependent on it you were. When Neil sat down again five minutes later and handed you the mug, you muttered:

“Thanks” your hands brushed for a millisecond, causing a minor heart palpitation.

Nothing new. He met your gaze again, smiling lightly. It was in the moments like this that you felt completely at a loss for words. The tenderness and attention felt like the old days, as though nothing happened. But it did. And it made no sense.

“Hope I got it right” breaking the silence, Neil gestured towards the coffee steaming underneath your nose.

He used to know your coffee order well. Unable to deny yourself the curiosity, you took a sip of the beverage under his watchful gaze. Of course, it was perfect, a spark igniting your body with energy. Ignoring the idiocy of the situation, you grinned at Neil over the brim of the mug. Conveying gratitude more than any words could. Judging by the glimmer in his eyes, he understood.

“Attention, please,” Ives’s annoyed voice brought you back to reality “You’ll flirt later,” you blushed furiously at the comment.

Shooting daggers at the squad leader, you focused all of the attention on the dossier again. Yeah…no.

The next hour was spent trying to make sense of the plans you all had been weaving since the intel came. The obvious parts were the facts: a deserted city in the middle of the Siberian steppe, the dead-drop in the cavern underneath the ridge, three ways in, and a lock, that was the crux of it all. The instructions from TP were ominous enough: no guaranteed way out for whoever would open the door. And that fact was the needed spark that day…

“So, temporal pincer” Ives summarized the last few minutes of the discussion, writing the words on the whiteboard “One team normal, the other inverted and they deal with the mercs. A splinter unit goes into the dead-drop and extracts the algorithm before the timer goes off” he added.

That was the obvious bit. You finished the coffee in one swig, feeling Neil’s knee bump into yours under the table. It was like this for the past hour. Sudden touches, making you wonder whether it was all intentional. Another form of elaborate torture. Or whether it was just Neil unable to control his long limbs as per usual.

“Kat is the backstop?” you asked the question, distracting yourself from the mess in your head.

“Yep,” jotting down the note, listening in to the squad leader, “That’s the simple stuff. What we need to figure out is how do we deal with that lock, and what about the splinter unit”

Fun. You skipped through the information again, hoping to find any source of inspiration in the materials.

“What do you mean?” TP asked, and you glanced up at him.

With the arms folded on the table and face frozen in a permanent frown, you could feel the tension radiating from him.

“They shouldn’t leave the field” Ives shrugged upon an inquisitive glare from the boss “It’s safer that way” the cold steel look in his eyes was foreign.

It was a terrifying realization that he was right. If you were to succeed, you had to make sure that it could not happen again. At least not in the linear sense. Looking around the people sat at the table, your heart sank. It could as well be that you were not coming out of this alive. Not all of you. TP had to survive if the story was to follow as it should. But for the rest of you, nothing was guaranteed. Enough to make the anxiety worse.

“Right,” TP’s sombre nod made you focus back on the moment “I don’t think we need to decide on who that will be this early,” he added, his gaze slipping over all of your faces.

Looking at the companions, you could see that everyone else was deep in thought. Mortality was never something you paid much attention to, preferring to stay sane by taking every day as it is and then moving onto the next. When you finished the university and started getting used to the idea that your future will be spent behind the desk of one of the governmental buildings in Whitehall, you stopped giving it much thought. Death would come when it had to, and that was it. But apparently not. Perks of choosing an unusual occupation. Feeling the stress levels elevate, you got hold of the passing thought. The damned lock that has been at the forefront of your mind since the news first came. Maybe now was time to voice the vague plans…

“When it comes to the lock… I’ve been thinking-”

“It’s rather obvious, isn’t it?” Neil’s interruption made you look up at him sharply.

What? You did not like the enigmatic smile gracing his features. As though you have missed something glaringly self-evident, and he was waiting for you to catch up. Impatiently, at that.

“Neil… elaborate please,” TP’s plea was dripping with tiredness.

Relatable.

“I’m the best locksmith out there” he shrugged smugly, ignoring your stare.

You did not like where this was going. Before you could find any words of response, Ives’s dry chuckle pierced the silence.

“Smooth, mate,” he added when Neil turned to stare at him.

“It should be me,” the blonde man pressed, annoyance seeping into his words, “Ives, you know that. Stop looking at me like that” he waved his hand at the squad leader.

The pieces clicked in your head. Fuck. He sounded too sure. As though he has already made up his mind. But…

“The person who opens the lock doesn’t have a guaranteed way out” Wheeler looked weary, as though she was scared about the direction of the conversation.

Exactly. The heart was hammering in your chest, slowly absorbing the reality. Figuring out the implications. No. You could not allow that. Even the mere idea was enough to make you nauseous. It was one thing to wish you did not have to deal with Neil, the other to consider that he would volunteer for something like that.

“So?” the nonchalance in his voice was terrifying.

He was still refusing to meet your gaze, but you persistently kept your eyes fixed on him. Urging him to give in. To be able to check this was actually happening. Because once Neil would lock his eyes with yours, you had a chance of getting to him. Until he said it to your face, you did not want to believe it.

“That could be a one-way trip,” TP voiced your thoughts, eyeing Neil warily.

You could see that he was surprised and concerned. Ever since they were stuck in the container for a week, a comradery has formed. Finally resembling what you were used to from them. But now Neil was willing to destroy it all. One-way trip. The ultimate sacrifice. No.

“Evidently,” another shrug.

That was the needed signal for your brain to kick back into action. To fight. Point out the insanity of the situation.

“Surely there’s a different way of dealing with this. We could send the locksmith before the splinter unit and-” your rant got interrupted with a sudden creak of chair to your right. Impatience.

“Why complicate something simple? I go in and open the door. That’s it” Neil flayed his hands around as though compensating for the tension permeating the room.

Wishing to dissolve it by fake excitement. Not on your watch. Urging your body to stop trembling, you garnered the strength to voice the obvious question. The one everyone seemed to skirt around for the past ten minutes.

“You don’t want to come back?” your voice wavered, betraying the nerves.

That was exactly what Neil needed to finally look you in the eye. With reluctance, he turned to you. When your gazes met, he flinched. Barely perceptible and yet there. Great.

“This isn’t about what I want or don’t want” you could tell Neil was just about keeping himself cool.

This could go either way. You found yourself on the tipping point, tiptoeing the edge. The fall never seemed so inviting. Almost as good as letting yourself drown in his eyes. Anything to ignore the reality.

“As if you knew what you want,” you muttered, aware he will catch on to the implications.

Neil clenched his jaw as his hand gripping the mug tightened. You have hit the mark. Top job. It took him a moment to respond. You could feel the gazes of everyone else fixed on you two. Their breaths were held as though afraid anything could set off the explosion. They were probably right.

“…Maybe you haven’t gotten the memo yet, but this isn’t about us anymore. If the task requires sacrifice, then be it” Neil finished the sentence with a hard look in his eyes.

Us? The emphasis he placed on the word made you blink in shock. On its own accord, your mind drifted back to the conversation in Tallinn. We’re just us. Me and you, was what he said back then. Only now, it was not that simple. Ignoring the ache in your heart, you swallowed hard, trying to find any traces of reason.

“But-” it was not meant to be.

Before you could add another word, Neil took hold of your hand, making you shut up. Shocked, you met his eyes, only to be paralyzed by the harshness of his expression. Your protests were not welcome. He has made up his mind.

“Darling, I appreciate the concern. However-” his tone was dripping with condescension.

The nickname felt like a slap. You tugged at the hand he still had in his grasp, cutting in sharply:

“How very patronizing of you” giving him the fakest of smiles, you added, “I had the illusion that you’re better than this… but well, as with most things I was wrong” a shrug to complete the insult “I still think there must be a way around it. There’s a reason why we got this warning” ending the torture of prolonged eye contact, you glanced around the table.

A silent cry for help. TP met your gaze, rapidly catching on to the desperation pouring out of your eyes. If anyone should get it, it’s him.

“Okay, hold on. Let’s suppose we do it as you say-” the boss interjected, putting all of the charisma into the sentence.

For nothing.

“Maybe the reason was that you need time to get used to the idea. Clearly, you’re the only one who opposes it this strongly” Neil was still looking at you only.

Cold blue eyes and lips twisted into a cruel smirk. That was the same man that fought with you on the highway in Tallinn. Terrible beauty. And yet, you could not look away, drawn by the gravitational pull that kept you tied to his side.

“What are you trying to say?” your voice sounded small.

The confidence was gone. The gloves were off. That was it. The explosion everyone feared. Judging by the way Neil leaned in closer, it was all part of the plan. Calculated and measured for the greatest impact. His knee bumped into your thigh. You froze as his nose brushed over your ear. Too close.

“That you lied to me a few days back. That you still l-” blood froze in your veins as you took in the meaning.

Before he could say the word, you hissed and lurched back.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” the curse ripped apart the tense silence.

The pain was unimaginable. You felt close to screaming. Helpless. Alone. Desperate. In love. All for nothing.

“As I said, sometimes feelings need to be put aside. Whatever they might be,” you heard his voice as though from afar.

Enough. Releasing a long exhale, you closed the folder and stood up. That was enough. He did not deserve the sight of your tears.

“Now, let’s assume I go, open the door for the splinter unit, and… What are you doing?” Neil noticed your movement a second too late.

The confusion on his face was almost laughable. Pity.

“What does it look like?” you scoffed, pushing the chair back onto its place “I’ve had enough of this sacrificial bullshit and personal insults” addressing the room at large, you added, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the range”

You noticed Wheeler’s sympathetic nod breaking in through the concern on her face. Ives looked pissed off, and you could not blame him for it. You have made quite the show. Again. TP just glanced at you, utterly perplexed. There was no logical explanation for any of this.

“You can’t just-” attempting protest, Neil took hold of your hand again.

You knew the purpose behind that. If everything else failed, he was well aware that touch was your weakest point. That previously it always worked. Not anymore. You met his eyes, encountering nothing but annoyance and frustration.

“Neil” Wheeler’s warning was a welcomed addition “Let her go,”

That was all he needed. Letting go of your hand, he gave you a final look. Something shifted for a split second. But you found that you did not care. Without a second thought, you bolted out of the room. The very last thing you heard felt like the final blow:

“She’s being ridiculous,” Neil muttered dejectedly.

She. Just that. With shaking hands, you closed the zip lock.

“And you’re stupid. Sit the fuck down,” Ives’s command rung out in the air behind your back.

Tears were streaming down your cheeks as you ran down the corridor. Fuck.

*** That day you have successfully managed to hide from everyone. Wheeler came to check up on you in the evening to, as she put it, make sure you have not taken the shooting practice a little too seriously. You could only offer her your tear-streaked cheeks and reddened eyes as you assured her that this would be the worst state she was likely to see you in. Was that a lie? Maybe. To put it bluntly, after the morning nightmare of a confab, death sounded like an interesting option. Certainly better than another week of Neil offering to get himself killed just because. You chose 2 am that night to finally emerge from the cabin in the search of food. Without bothering to touch up your bedraggled appearance, you tiptoed down the corridor, taking one extra look at the door of Neil’s room. Why? Fuck knows. The silence was encouraging. However, that confidence was to be your ultimate downfall.

The moment you dealt with the airlock leading to the galley, you knew that you were not alone. Neil was there, chatting to one of the squad members you vaguely remembered from the days spent in inversion. Dominic, or something. Briefly, you considered turning back around and leaving as though you were never even there. But when the men turned, and your eyes met, it was too late. Luck was never on your side.

“Hi,” you gave them both a nod and opened the fridge before either could take a longer look at you.

“Evening” Neil cleared his throat awkwardly.

After a pause, the men picked up their conversation in hushed tones while finishing sandwiches. Mindlessly you stared at the contains of the fridge, hoping to appear occupied. To be forgotten. But to no avail. You could feel someone’s gaze burning into the side of your head. Somehow you knew that if you dared look up, the blue eyes would be there. Ready to analyze you. To find weaknesses and strike when appropriate. You could only hope he would not do it with Dominic present.

Fridge held no answers. You closed it quietly and took hold of the granola bar from the cupboard. Only tea left now… easy. They were still talking. From what you could hear, it had something to do with the inverted weaponry and the training you were all forced to recap before Stalsk. You thanked the gods for the presence of the buffer, as you not so patiently waited for the water to boil. The false sense of security shattered seconds later:

“Thanks, mate. See you in the morning, yeah?” Dominic rinsed the plate quickly and started to put on the mask.

What is worse, Neil was not doing the same. Instead, he was still sitting at the table, smiling at the colleague.

“Yep. Can’t wait,” the fake enthusiasm radiating from him in waves.

But it seemed like only you could see it. Another observation for nothing. Your pulse quickened as you realised that it was only a matter of seconds till you were alone again. And the fucking water was still boiling.

“Goodnight, Y/N” Dominic smiled at you before moving to open the airlock.

“Night night,” your response came out too breathlessly.

Crap. Just like that, he was gone. It was you and Neil, staring at each other like two animals locked up in a cage. He quickly assessed your appearance, taking in the puffed-up eyes, tangled hair, and shaking hands. You wanted to ask him whether he was satisfied with his work. But that would mean admitting how much it hurt. And your pride was in the way. The kettle switched off. Neil’s taxing gaze stopped as his eyes widened.

“Is that-” that is when you realised.

Fuck. When leaving the cabin, you have not changed. That meant you were still wearing the only article of clothing that brought some comfort. Neil’s burgundy sweater. And he most certainly recognized it.

“Neil I-” his name was the only answer as you struggled for words.

Neil stood up and pounced, closing the distance. The malicious look in his eyes was terrifying. And inspiring.

“Why do you have my sweater?” to emphasize the point, he took hold of the material, drawing you near in progress, “I didn’t take you for a thief,” delivered with a cruel smirk.

With Neil that close and acting ridiculously, you realised that above all, you were tired. And had enough of this. Of him.

“I used the opportunity and went into your apartment,” a tight-lipped smile thrown in before he could interject, “Yes, I know, don’t worry, I haven’t stolen anything else,” you added, enjoying the surprise flashing in his eyes.

He forgot about the keys. Or did not think you would use them after everything. And now, when he realised how much you knew, it was hard to accept. That was encouraging. You waited for Neil to bite back, letting yourself stare at him without shame. His eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes lit up. There we go…

“You know that you’re not making any sense?” he blurted out the question and tugged at the sweater “You just- You’re telling me that it’s all over and yet here you are, wearing my clothes” another tug, bringing you just as close as the last time “I mean that’s one way of confusing me further” he finished on a whisper.

It took you a moment to recover. To realise that once again, you were too close. When that clicked, you took a step back and met Neil’s gaze. Too satisfied. His pupils were darker than usual, and that was worryingly enticing. Focus. Anger was the answer.

“Confusing you?” a sudden idea struck, “Fucking hell, you know what?” another step back, “Just take it, and let’s end this discussion” you started taking the garment over your head.

“What- Why are you...” much to Neil’s shock.

Good. The cold air hit your body as you took off the sweater and threw it in his face. You were eternally grateful to your morning self for putting on that tank top. Not much, but still preventing you from the walk back in only the bra. As Neil scrambled to pick up the garment that fell onto the floor, you added:

“I’ll give you back the keys tomorrow” you met his wide-eyed stare with pleasure, “There’s no need to stare. You’ve seen it before,”

Yet, the way his gaze roamed over your body was fascinating. There was nothing to see there, but still, he seemed transfixed. You took that as your chance to strike.

“Hell, you’ve even had your hand down my pants. Twice” Neil flinched, and you smirked, “Talking about wrong life choices and all that” it was nice to see him hurt.

For once. Even if it was another lie. He looked lost, unable to find a response to something like that.

“I-” a pathetic attempt at god knows what.

You took a final glance at him there. Clutching the cashmere sweater in his hand. Hair falling into his eyes. Shoulder sagged. Defeated. Confused. Finally.

“Goodbye,” you grabbed the mug and left before Neil had a chance of recovery.

The walk back to the room was cold. But probably worth the pain.

*** Sighing with happiness for the first time that day, you closed the door to the cabin and collapsed onto the bed. For the past three hours, you have been occupied with training that Ives made mandatory for all the mission participants, and you were exhausted. The only encouragement was the fact that the squad leader made sure your shift was different from that of Neil. What was even better, he did that without you needing to ask first. Just like that. And you were very grateful. Moments like those last two encounters in the kitchen were best avoided at all costs. Any contact was ideally off the books. Even when it hurt.

With the sweater gone, you had no more things to hold on to. Well, apart from all those memories and the ability to read him like an open book. Utterly useless skills like algebra or functions at this point. You have changed into the comfiest set of sweatpants and a hoodie, hoping to spend the next few hours marinating in your misery. But long before you could even think of the first reason to cry, a knock made you jump up. Who the hell…. Grudgingly, you got up and opened the door.

“Hey…” you did not expect him.

Despite everything, your heart was naive enough to stumble upon the sight of Neil. And his stupid hair. And the repentant look in his eyes. What even.

“What do you want?” you decided to cut the bullshit, meeting his gaze coldly.

The visit was certainly unexpected. As was the fact that he seemed apologetic. Meek, even. Neil shifted nervously before answering:

“Here’s the sweater. You can keep it” he handed you the garment with a tiny smile, “It smells more like you than me now, but…” trailing off, he shrugged.

The implications of that statement were too much to handle. As was the fact that he gave you back the sweater. You gaped at him, speechless. It made no sense. But the silence stretched too long, and Neil looked even more uncomfortable.

“Okay…” you accepted the gift, making sure your hands have not brushed.

“I’m sorry about how I reacted yesterday it wasn’t reasonable,” he added, with that contrite tone you were not used to.

Unreasonable? That was one way of describing what happened the previous night. You did not know whether it was the glaring lack of confidence radiating from him or as something as simple as the fact that you missed him. But you could feel the resolve crumble.

“I’d say nothing you do is reasonable… thanks though” mustering a weak smile, you stepped away from the door, “You can come in if you want,”

Risky. And something Neil did not expect either, judging by the way he hesitated before entering the cabin and closing the door. You sat down on the edge of the bed and observed his awkward movement. A look around the small space. His eyes slipping over the few personal items you had. The sparring gear you have carelessly thrown onto the floor. And the bin full of used tissues. How humiliating. Then he perched on the chair and met your gaze wearily. Without you even needing to ask the question, he answered:

“I guess it surprised me to see that you’re using something of mine after everything” the honesty was strangely comforting.

For the first time since the disastrous mission in Tallinn, you could tell that he was genuine. Open for you to read and interpret however you fancy. That was intriguing. Enjoying the way his eyes roamed over your features, you leaned back on the bed. Relaxed. Sincere. You could try that.

“It surprises me too,” shrugging, you pursed your lips, staring thoughtfully at the window.

You did not have to look at him to imagine the expression on his face. A little concerned, extremely curious.

“How do you mean?” the soft tone made you glance back.

Sure enough, the furrowed eyebrows and sparkling eyes were there. Neil crossed his legs, studying you intently. You could tell that he wanted to know. That this was probably the closest you would ever come to a normal conversation with him. Might as well use it.

“Well, the heart knows best,” offering him a sad smile, you laced your hands in your lap.

Here’s to hoping he won’t turn it on you. But when you dared look up at Neil again, you were surprised to see him stunned by what you revealed. After a beat, he found the words:

“I thought you don’t-”

Of course. Unable to stop the irritation gnawing at your heart, you scoffed, preventing him from saying something so wrong.

“I never said that,” you explained upon his wide-eyed stare, “But that’s beyond the point, isn’t it?” you sighed, hoping to make him drop the topic before it would drift somewhere dangerous “Why are you here?”

You took a longer look at him then. Taking in the denial painted on his face. He wanted to press on, to get you to explain things. Not today. Then, returning your taxing gaze, Neil offered you his wistful smile.

“I suppose I’ve missed you” the sincerity of the statement was terrifying.

You felt a painful pang in your chest, as though the heart itself was awaiting the tragic end to this conversation. Courage. For a second, you wanted to cross that meter of space. To… Yeah, what exactly? One memory of what he said in the kitchen a few nights back was enough to sober up. You had to be careful.

“...right” the next words were a result of annoyance, pure and simple “Are you sure there isn’t anyone better? Because I bet there are at least five people aboard this ship who would give you everything. Without questions asked. Maybe you should talk to them” once you were done with the rant, you faced Neil again.

He was gaping, speechless. It seemed like his sharp wit was missing. That was only good news for you. A myriad of feelings passed in his eyes. You could discern shock, offense, heartbreak, and most surprisingly, something darker. Contradicting the very next thing he said:

“If I was looking for that, I’d never come to you. Because I value you more. But I don’t expect you to believe me” the defeat in Neil’s eyes was confusing.

But not any less than you were at that moment. More than what? A cheap fuck? One could hope so. But at the same time, considering the multitude of instances when he seemed desperate to get too close, it felt like a lie.

“I don’t, so you got something right,” you admitted, hoping to keep the emotions in check.

His blue eyes were fixed on you with intensity, trying to read all that you were not saying. After a minute of excessive staring, you were the first one to give up. The last thing you saw was a smirk forming on Neil’s lips. As though he knew that you were close to breaking. Close to potentially doing something stupid. Jumping up, you paced to the window. Nothing but sea and sky. And the damned birds. But even that was better than being faced with what you have lost. After a few days on board the icebreaker, you got used to the casual outfits he sported. What was worse is that they did nothing to make this any easier. It only proved the theory that Neil looked good in anything. Well, fuck him. Only not literally.

With the silence stretching well past the point of awkwardness, you grasped onto the first passing thought, turning to Neil again:

“You’ve talked about… me with TP, haven’t you?” it was a strange change of topic, but also something that has been on your mind for a while “Because suddenly he seems to trust me and I’m not sure what the fuck happened” throwing in the expletive, you sat down on the floor with your back against the wall.

Neil eyed you curiously. He was strangely quiet, and you wondered why that could be. Whether it meant that for once, he did not know what to say. Or maybe because he already regretted coming to see you. Yeah, probably that second option.

“Yes, I’ve explained a few things on the way to Oslo” the diplomatic tone was mildly annoying.

He leaned back in the chair, making sure to face you in the new dynamic. Only the nervous foot-tapping was a sign that he did not like the direction of the conversation. Interesting.

“Such as?” pressing on, you took a moment to observe him.

These days he gave up on styling the hair as the wind outside would always blow it in his eyes. That was rather adorable. He unzipped the pullover, shifting in the seat. Tension spilling out in weaves as Neil waved his hand dismissively.

“It doesn’t really matter,” another remorseful smile.

So, he must have said much more than just the basics. Could he have admitted to things even you were not allowed to know?

“Well, you must’ve said some crucial bits if he’s now so eager to take my side” arching your eyebrow, you met his gaze purposefully.

Hoping he will catch on. Just like the matter of whatever it was between you, the battle plans were a clear no-go in this conversation. But that did not mean you could not hint at it. He had to understand that you were not going to give in so easily. That his suicidal mission was not getting a green light from you. The bait worked. Kind of.

“I said things that you and I should probably explain to each other one day” Neil’s grin did not reach his eyes.

Oh. He must have read the shock from your face, for his eyes glimmered dangerously as he relaxed on the chair. Your brain froze. Things? As in what? You both did and did not want to ask. Instead, you chose to attack.

“We won’t have time if you sacrifice yourself” simply put with a merciless stare.

Neil frowned, not expecting that kind of a dig. Before you could taste the satisfaction, his weary expression caught you off guard. Could that really hurt him? The cold of the wall was digging into your back.

“Let’s leave that for the meeting tomorrow,” a silent plea in the blue eyes “I don’t want to argue,”

He meant it. The tiredness etched onto his face told you as much. You were used to seeing the same kind of exhaustion every morning in the mirror. You could let him off.

“Okay…” a solemn nod before you got up and picked up the pacing again.

It was a strange feeling to be with him alone and yet not close. You realised that this was likely the first time since the early days when you were together somewhere private and were not even touching. It felt wrong.

“How did you like my place?” Neil’s question was like a much-needed grounding.

Swallowing down the discomfort, you turned back to him. The innocence was just a façade that he has put on for your sake. He expected an answer, and you did not know where to start. And then… the way his hair caught rays of sunlight was an inspiration.

“It was… enlightening,” you relished in the curiosity reflected at you, “For starters, I never realised that this is all fake” crossing the space in one leap, you ran your fingers through his hair.

Just like the old times. Only then, Neil would not shudder upon the initial contact. It took him a longer moment to recover. You smirked seeing his stunned face and resumed the movement, separating the strands slowly. You had no clue why this was the fact you latched onto. Blonde or not, he was a sight. But the idea that he dyed his hair would not leave your mind like the worst of brain worms.

“Ah, you’ve seen the photos” when he finally found the words again, his voice was hoarse.

As though whatever you were doing had some sort of an effect. A spark of confidence. You tugged at a strand sharply, the gasp making you bite your lip hard. A dangerous game. The words you have been biting back begun to spill from your mouth:

“It fascinates me because you act oh so confident all the time, and yet you’re pretending you’re someone you’re not” glancing down, you noticed the closed eyes and pursed lips.

It was definitely working. Whatever you even wanted to achieve. It was nice to hold power for once. To call him out on the bullshit you had to deal with every day.

“That’s just hair,” Neil protested weakly, grabbing onto your free hand and encircling the wrist.

Unable to stop the emotions bubbling under the surface, you scoffed:

“It really isn’t. I mean, why? It’s not like you have to scrape for attention” his eyes met yours with defiance, “Unless you’re compensating for something. In which case, that’s just ridiculous” the hit came with a visible flinch from Neil “And ever so manly” you perfected the punchline with a final tug on his golden strands.

That turned out to be a step too far. Before you could sense a change in the mood, Neil used the hold over your hand to bring you down. More accurately, to make you sit in his lap. Your brain caught up too late. Suddenly he was too close, with hands settling on your hips, securing you in place. Fuck. You opened your eyes, cursing the moment of weakness. Neil was staring right back, his eyes unreadable and dark. You messed up.

“What are you doing?” too breathless.

He caught onto that, rubbing circles onto your thigh, focused on you. It would be easy to get up and throw him out, ending this madness. But you found that you did not want to.

“I’m not sure. Say a word, and I’ll leave. But...” he trailed off, searching your eyes for something.

A protest, most likely. A clear-cut rejection. When he found nothing, he leaned in, brushing his nose against yours. So close. Slowly your willpower was waning. You placed your palm over his heart to feel the warmth.

“Neil, why...” unable to find the words, you stared at him with questions multiplying in your head.

What was this? Was it why he came? And why, despite the hurt he inflicted, you could not tell him to stop?

“Because you’re here. It’s all I need to start feeling like...” another open-ended response.

Adding on to the confusion. His heart was beating fast, breaths coming out shallow. With fingers still tangled in his hair, you urged him to keep eye contact. That was the only chance of telling whether he was honest.

“Like what? Like you could want me?” the words were hard to say out loud.

For a moment, you felt like this was Tallinn all over again. Like you were losing sanity just for the sake of getting something from him. The ever-present yearning getting the best of you. The only difference was that this time Neil was the desperate one. His hands roamed over your hips and thighs, causing worrying jolts of electricity. It shouldn’t be that easy.

“You know that I do,” a whisper, eyes overfilled with determination.

Did you? Now – maybe. Any other day – hell knows.

“Maybe once I did. But recently... I don’t think you know what you want. You’re just...” you offered him the honesty, absentmindedly running your fingertips over his temple.

Exploring all that was familiar yet missed so much. The creases on his forehead deepened.

“What?” Neil leaned in once again, nuzzling the skin on your neck.

The shaky exhale felt like a defeat. It was increasingly hard to think, let alone give him coherent answers.

“You’re not making any sense” that had to do.

Only it was whispered breathlessly. Not convincing.

“Maybe this will make sense...”

Before you could contemplate the meaning of his words, Neil kissed your neck, drawing out a shudder. One of his hands wandered underneath the hoodie. His fingers ghosted the skin. You have not realised how much you’ve missed it until you got it. As he got braver in his ministrations, teeth grazing over your pulse point, hands stroking your bare back, you felt intoxicated. Unable to do anything but pull him closer and let your hands venture underneath his black t-shirt. It made no sense. But as soon as a reasonable thought would come up, Neil would do something to make you forget. It could be a kiss right under your ear or fingers getting too close to your sports bra. Christ. No logic, just Neil being the sole reason for insanity. The heat travelling up your veins was getting too evident to be ignored. As he gave you a particularly forceful mark by sucking on the skin in the crook of your neck, you could not hold back a moan. It pierced the silence accompanied only by your shallow breaths. Neil froze as though he was not expecting a reaction that strong. His breath causing goosebumps all along your neck. For a second, you wanted to pull him even closer, to give permission to take everything he desires. Even without a promise that it would mean something to him. He raised his head, meeting your wild gaze with the darkened pupils of his own. The proximity was suffocating. Unable to make sense of your thoughts, you leaned in, hoping to get lost in a kiss. To buy some time before you would have to make up your mind. That is when Neil did something unexpected – he pulled back, with a strangely remorseful look in his eyes. Fuck. Alarm bells started ringing out in your head, harshly reminding you about the reality of the situation. As though nothing happened, Neil’s hands went back to the meticulous caress of your upper body. But you could not ignore the nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach. What if this wouldn’t mean a thing? Suddenly it seemed like the worst mistake you could make. The previous frenzy was quickly replaced with dread. Not meant to be. You retracted your hands from underneath Neil’s shirt and pushed him back. It took all the strength available to deliver the next sentence with necessary firmness:

“I think you should leave,” you hoped to hide the pain behind the schooled features.

If he was surprised, he was very good at pretending. His eyes searched yours for a beat, and then he let go of you. His touch was already missed.

“If that’s what you want,” Neil’s voice revealed remains of passion as he nonchalantly smoothed the hair you have tangled.

That was the cue to get up. With cheeks burning, you turned away from him, doing your best to cool off and keep the scraps of dignity you had still left. Before you could risk a dangerous spiral, Neil’s voice brought you back to the moment:

“Too close, wasn’t it?” you frowned at the casual tone.

He was zipping up the pullover, staring at you with startling composure. As though the past minutes have not happened. As though he has not marked you as his for the umpteenth time. It was terrifying.

“What?” you gaped, trying to collect the thoughts and keep calm.

“We got too close. And you’re worried because for a moment you wanted more than you should” Neil shrugged upon your quiet gasp.

He could read you too well.

“Don’t do that,” a pathetic attempt at a plea.

But it must have worked for his expression softened. A small smile split his face as Neil pressed the door handle:

“Just thought you should know that I don’t mind. I don’t have much left to lose,” a parting remark, and then he was gone.

You covered your face with your hands, falling onto the knees when the remains of strength gave out. What a fucking mess.

*** What you did not expect to be the hardest feat of all before the meeting the next morning was making sure that all the bruises were covered up. You did not need to add questions and human curiosity to the list of your problems. After all, it would have been obvious to anyone with a brain. You fucked up, and Neil was the reason why and how that happened. As usual. That was best avoided since everyone on your war council knew enough already when it came to your relationship. Or whatever the fuck it was.

As you walked in, everyone else was already on the bridge, spreading the materials and preparing the whiteboard. Wheeler gave you a welcoming smile which at that moment was worth more than it should. Any expression of kindness was at a premium. You sat down, and before you could process much of what was going on, a mug of coffee appeared before your eyes. Just so. A second later, Neil took the seat next to you without acknowledging your existence. Cool. Perplexed, you looked around the room, locking eyes with TP. He shrugged as though exactly aware of your issues yet unable to help. That much was enough to make you feel a tiny bit better. After a beat, the boss spoke up:

“Before we begin… Y/N?” his question interrupted the first experimental sip of the coffee.

Perfect. Again.

“Yes?” you ignored the annoying spike of anxiety upon being the centre of attention.

“Is Mahir going back to meet Kat in Vietnam on the 14th?”

Ah, that. The little side quest that you have been given ages ago with close to no information towards its purpose. Thankfully, Mahir cooperated. No questions were asked as you arranged for him to invert in London and travel to Vietnam to be Kat’s aide. That kind of smooth operation was a welcomed change.

“Yep, as ordered,” you offered the dark-eyed man a small smile, “Turns out I am capable of not fucking up some things…” that addition was a product of spite.

It was rewarding to see Ives and Wheeler crack a grin at your comment. It made you feel less alienated, as though it was only the man on your right that had issues. And he might as well be ignored. Neil was being helpful in his silence too, moodily staring at the papers in front, refusing to lay his eyes on you. It was painful, especially considering the previous day, but it also meant you felt more at ease.

“It would be great if we could agree upon a few things finally,” TP interrupted the silence, looking at you all expectantly.

“Can’t promise you that, chief” you shrugged, aware of the way Neil shifted in his seat.

His knee bumped into your leg, starting the irritating dance you thought you had moved past. But, supposedly, laying his hands all over your body yesterday was not enough for him.

“I know. But let’s try” you focused all the attention back on the boss “Splinter unit,” the phrase fell between you all like a death sentence “Who and how?”

“The tunnel” you picked up the map and showed it to him, “That’s what the intel said” taking the sip of coffee, you added, “As towards who…”

One of the sleepless nights has been spent wondering whether you should not volunteer for that. The logic was that there was a reason why TP chose you as his link with everyone else. It meant his future version trusted you enough. But it also meant you were important. In those hopeless moments, it felt like maybe that was the purpose. And if it would mean no coming back? So be it. Death for the means of saving the world did not sound half that bad. Before you could express the thoughts, TP spoke up again:

“It should be me” his voice was emotionless.

“Why-” Neil’s voice rang out in the room.

You glanced at him, noticing the tension and worry radiating from him. It was a strange situation; everyone could see that. You all knew that TP had to survive. After all, how could you be at this point if he did not? He had to set up Tenet, hire Neil, Ives and everyone else, prepare the ground for the operation to unfold just like this. But then, considering everything you have been told about temporal paradoxes… could it be that simple? Or was Neil wrong, and what’s happened could also unhappen, so to speak? Too much. Your head began to pound.

“I’m the protagonist of this whole operation. The reason why you’re all here” that was convincing.

And in any other situation, you would have laughed at the prophetic overtone of the statement. But now other emotions were more prominent…

“Mmmm, I’m here because of him,” you retorted, pointedly staring at Neil,

“Only, he doesn’t care” that is when the man turned to look at you for the first time that morning.

Irritated. Fed up with your bullshit. Lips pressed into a thin line. Eyes glimmering dangerously. Nothing new.

“What are you-” the sharp edge to his voice was satisfying.

Any kind of reaction meant you succeeded at pissing him off. Somehow back then, it was the best thing that could happen.

“Just being salty. Don’t mind me” you shrugged, making sure to pat his shoulder quickly.

Another tiny stab. Neil’s eyes flicked to your hand in a flash and then back to meet your eyes. You could only give him a deliberate smirk.

“Anyways… The splinter unit will be two people” Ives brought back the topic with palpable annoyance, “I’ve got an obvious choice on my mind, but I’ll discuss that later with some of you” the definitive tone would have made anyone shut up.

Not you though. Not when there was nothing to lose, and you decided that you might as well have fun with this mess.

“Why so mysterious, huh?” another quip, all to make Ives look up at you with surprise.

He rolled his eyes, showing you exactly what he thought of your new approach to things.

“We’ve got a more pressing topic to deal with” nothing to play with there.

What a shame. Mouthing an apology at the squad leader, you could feel the tension surge. The more trivial topics have been already mentioned and moved past. Now it was the time for big guns. For another clash of the titans.

“Precisely,” Neil jumped at the chance and spoke “The elephant in the room is rather obvious” his eyes scanned the space with a predatory gleam, settling on you, “I mean, look at her… she’s barely staying quiet,” a mocking smirk to compliment the statement.

Presumptuous fuck. Despite the anger reaching a boiling point in your veins, you refused to give him the satisfaction. To show how much it hurt.

“Her?” arching your eyebrow, you met his gaze defiantly “Neil, that’s a low blow. Even for you” a passing flinch on his face giving the power to keep going “But yes, I’d love to know whether you’ve changed your mind regarding some important matters” you addressed the room at large, searching for support.

That concerned look Wheeler shot you was helpful. As was the way TP hunched in the chair, burdened with terrifying possibilities of Neil’s stubbornness. Maybe you won’t have to be alone in this.

“I’m going in,” the blonde man shrugged nonchalantly, staring you down, “The only thing you can do is help us plan how to make it work,”

The strategy was to alienate you. Make it sound like you were the only one protesting against his idiotic plan. Well, not on your watch. Now was the time to put all those sleepless nights to use.

“How to make what work? Your suicide?” you scoffed, taking pleasure in how he frowned at the word, “If you let me speak for once, I’ve got an idea” finishing the lukewarm coffee, you gathered needed strength.

“Go ahead, sunshine,” a sarcastic half-smile, begging to be wiped off his face with a slap.

Maybe another time.

“What if two people went first to take care of the lock?” your voice cut through the tension permeating the room, “You rarely send anyone out without a cover. Because it’s unreasonable. So why this time it should be different?” that was logical.

The most sensible of plans you could come up with. Two on the splinter unit; two to deal with the lock. More likely to find an exit or, simply, survive whatever was waiting by the dead-drop. You also had ideas when it came to who should accompany Neil. But those were best kept a secret.

“Because losing two is worse than one. Even you can do the maths” the unnecessary dig made you roll your eyes.

He was ridiculous. In moments like this, you wished you had never fallen for him. But there was no point in crying over the spilt milk.

“Two have greater chances of survival,” you counterattacked, stating the obvious.

The truth he was so gladly ignoring for his purposes.

“You’ve got a point,” Wheeler chimed in, making you both turn to her.

“Thanks,” you offered the brightest grin you could muster and searched for more backing on the faces of the fellow companions.

Before you could analyse the grave expressions on TP and Ives’s faces, Neil spoke up again:

“You’re also rather emotional…” another insult.

Fuck. It was getting increasingly hard to stay calm. But that was the only thing to do. Another scene before the whole team was certainly not desired. You took a deep breath, fighting to maintain composure.

“Neil, stop” Ives was your saviour of the hour, interrupting with the non-bullshit attitude, “I think this idea is worth going over. It’s not like we’ve got anything better,”

You vowed to send Ives a bouquet of roses if you were still alive after all this. Or better, take him out to a pub. Nothing was settled upon during that meeting. The chaos of you all trying to convince Neil to listen to your arguments was only interrupted with him throwing more offences at you. Apart from emotional, you learned you were also delusional. And a potential loose cannon that was best kept away from making crucial decisions. You debated putting all of those on your CV and asking him to provide the references. After all, Neil was the expert when it came to your skillset. After half hour of barely held-together discussion, Ives told you all to calm down and fuck off for the time being. At least until you could decide on something without jumping to your throats. You doubted that was even possible. You were resolved to drive your plan forward. And so was Neil.

When the meeting was over, you were the first one to leave, hoping to slip out before anyone could stop you. You made it as far as the corridor leading to the bridge when you felt someone grab your arm, making you turn around. Of course. Neil’s steel-blue eyes were staring at you coldly. He was getting ready to attack, and you did not want to let him. Before either of you could break the silence, someone stopped in the corridor, and the familiar voice spoke:

“You two should fuck each other already,” you scowled at Ives’s choice of words, “Or break-up. I don’t care, only don’t do this again” he gave you a long taxing look, with annoyance brewing underneath.

You could not blame him. Only that kind of comment was too much right now. With cheeks burning, you desperately searched for words. Neil found them for you:

“We’re not together” dead simple with a tinge of anger to it.

You took a look at Neil, noticing the frown set on his face. And the fact that he was still holding on to you. Fingers wrapped around your bicep, just enough force to make it seem questionable.

“Could’ve fooled me” the squad leader shrugged and walked off before either of you could react.

Great start. Yanking your arm free, you asked:

“What do you want?” you made sure to make him hear the irritation.

That was against the plan, and you doubted your ability to survive yet another confrontation. From the look in his eyes, you could also guess where this was going.

“I know what you’re doing. All I’ve got to say is don’t,” Neil stared you down, keen on intimidation, “I won’t let it happen” no room for discussion there.

Well, maybe with any other idiot. You knew it would come to it. The moment when you would have to admit that your plan involved going with Neil. And there would be no debate about it. It had to be you. Reasons? Inexplicable.

“Tough luck because I’m not letting you get killed,” you counterattacked, meeting his intense gaze without reluctance, “Or go in there alone,” a pointed emphasis, to show him you meant it.

You felt like you could win this one. Maybe even walk away without the tears in your eyes. Just this once. But then Neil did what he does best – changed the topic.

“If this is about what happened-” he reached out to you again, fingers curling around your wrist.

There we go. You were surprised it took him that long to mention the previous afternoon. His touch and the bruises were hard to forget, but so was the lack of affection in his eyes. As though you were just another hook-up. Someone to seduce, get pleasure from, and then leave without a word of explanation. Nothing more. You deserved better than this. With heart hammering in your chest, you responded:

“Not everything is about you trying to fuck me, Neil,” it was his turn to scowl, as though the words have hurt him.

It was only fair.

“Who said-” his grip on your wrist tightened, drawing you closer.

But that alone was not enough to distract you from the denial he tried to pass as the truth.

“Please,” you gave him a pointed look, “That was a mistake, and it’s best treated like one” swallowing down the discomfort, you let the statement fall between you.

You wanted nothing but to forget about it. Brush it under the carpet. The marks were enough of a punishment for a moment of weakness. Neil seemed to consider something quickly, weighting the options, before he nodded:

“Of course,” the formality had the potential to drive you mad, “I’m glad we seem to agree on something,”

For a second, you contemplated leaving the scene. You knew he would not follow, too caught up in the grudges and apprehensions to stop you from escaping. But you wanted to have the last word. To put to use the ability to see right through his act. Neil was staring at you with eyes narrowed, trying to anticipate the very next move. You were sure to surprise him.

“Think I have figured it out though,” he arched his eyebrow in a silent question “Why you’re so keen on doing something that stupid” his face fell, you took a step forward “It’s that hero complex, hidden under honourable acts and philosophical bullshit” pulling your hand out of his hold, you advanced to intimidate, “You think you’re past redemption. That you don’t deserve it. But you can’t give up until you save everybody else. That’s just who you are” the sheer panic in his eyes was fascinating “Only there’s me. An obstruction” Neil swallowed hard as you laid your hand on his shoulder; nearly there, “And you might not love me, but it still doesn’t mean I can let you do it” you gave him a final sad smile, brushing away a stray hair from his pullover.

Yours, judging by the length and colour. A quirk of fate. You were too busy contemplating the fact to notice a shift in his eyes. Denial. Disbelief. Darkness.

“My god… you’re so stupid” the sharp edge to his voice was dripping with venom, “How can you not see it?” Neil was looking at you as though you were an idiot.

Wow. Fighting the urge to breakdown, you took a deep breath. You should have known he had not had enough of hurting you. Always naïve.

“… thanks,” you chuckled dryly, holding on to the remains of anger in your system, “First ‘emotional and delusional’. Now this… you’re expanding your vocabulary” his silence was deafening, “I wonder what will be next… expletives?” the next statement came from the depths of your heart “It would be much easier to just admit that you hate me, and we could be done with this”

That childlike belief in the existence of love wanted him to say no. To deny that he could ever despise you in any way. But the innocence had to be buried if you were to survive.

“I’ll consider that” the cold calculation in Neil’s eyes was terrifying. It was truly over. Even if your heart felt like it was being ripped out. The edges of your vision were blurring, eyes burning with tears begging to be released. Not yet.

“Fab,” you brushed away the strand that was falling into his eyes, “As a final note… I admit that the worst mistake I have ever made was allowing myself to believe you’re worth it”

It was not exactly the truth. But the tiniest moment of passing shock in his eyes was a good enough response. For a second, Neil was speechless, stunned by your harsh words and the way you caressed his face. One last guilty pleasure.

“I’m glad you’re acknowledging it” his face split in an attempt at a smile.

It was broken. Dishonest. There was something fascinating in him at that very moment. The set jaw, eyes cold as ice; yours, but not at all. The beautiful and damned. Gently, you ran your fingers over his stubble, hoping to memorise his face in every way possible. The intensity of his gaze was beginning to drive you insane, offering eternal suffering if you were to make the smallest mistake. Never again.

“The cruelty looks good on you” you zipped up his pullover in one smooth motion and turned away.

The searing pain in your chest was the needed punchline.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #neil x reader #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

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system-comforts · 3 years

Note

tw: mentions of child neglect and csa

hey um sorry if im doing this wrong but im really confused right now :( so...ive never had this problem until i started questioning myself. the only "trauma" i can remember is being severely neglected by my entire family and ive been the victim of csa. however the csa didnt happen within the age range where it is possible to be a system (? i was 12) though the neglect happened there and i dont remember 90% of my childhood (from what my mother has said to me, she did something bad and it happened during that time that i dont remember but she wont tell me what she did) . so because of this i believed that there wasnt any possibility of me being plural since im not sure if neglect can be considered trauma. but then i started questioning myself after i became friends with another system and i related to a lot of their experiences? now i get really bad headaches whenever the thought of being plural crosses my mind or i see information about being plural. and these headaches make me feel really disconnected, dizzy (?) and i feel the presence of another person sort of..? sorry if this sounds weird but i just don't know what's going on with me :(

Hey there anon, thank you for the TW, and we're sorry to hear you went through all that.

I want to assure you it's totally ok to question if you're plural, no matter your experiences, and I want to be clear that neglect is a form of trauma. Even if your trauma was outside of a range, if you have other experiences (not remembering parts of childhood, head aches and feeling others around), it's totally alright to look into plurality. You don't have to weigh your experiences, how "bad" your trauma was, etc. You are welcome here.

I also want to let you know I see your struggle. It's definitely hard to find out about trauma, difficult working through it, and difficult questioning if you're plural all at the same time. I encourage you to take things slow. Take care of yourself anon, even if in just small ways. Find an activity, hobby, band or game you enjoy. Find some time to journal or draw out your feelings. Talk with friends and stay in touch. I want you to know you deserve good things in life, and you deserve to feel safe. If you have the ability, I encourage you to tell someone how you feel. You can let a professional know, or a friend if they're open to listen, or even write it down. It can help to organize our thoughts verbally and to let someone know how we are.

We wish you the absolute best anon.

-mod venus

#TW csa #TW neglect #ask #mod venus

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mikeandjones · 3 years

Text

What is Ritalin For and How to Use

Ritalin or Ritalin is a medicine that has its active ingredient Methylphenidate Hydrochloride, a central nervous system stimulant, indicated for the treatment of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, also called ADHD, purple haze strain, and narcolepsy.

This medicine is a type of amphetamine that works by stimulating mental activities, so it has become popular among adults who want to study or stay awake for longer. However, this use is not recommended, and these effects are not proven.

In addition to this, methylphenidate can have various dangerous side effects for those who use it without indication, such as nervousness, increased blood pressure, palpitations, buying moon rocks, weed, muscle spasms, hallucinations or chemical dependence. Those can only purchase Ritalin at prescription pharmacies.

What is it for?

Ritalin has methylphenidate, which is a psychostimulant. This medication stimulates concentration and reduces drowsiness, which is indicated in the treatment for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in children and adults.

It can also be indicated to treat narcolepsy, a disorder characterized by the manifestation of daytime sleepiness symptoms, inappropriate sleep episodes and sudden loss of voluntary muscle tone.

Is Ritalin Good for Memory and Studies?

Ritalin is popular among students who call this medicine 'the intelligence pill' because it helps with memory and concentration, moon rocks, and helps during the study period. However, the efficacy of this medicine in healthy people has never been proven.

In this way, the person can even spend the night awake studying, but the attention will not necessarily improve, silver haze weed, purple haze weed strain, and he may not remember the content the next day.

Therefore, Ritalin should not improve memory and concentration; it is used only to treat diseases such as narcolepsy, attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity, as indicated in its leaflet. If you are a student and need a remedy to stay more awake, you need to increase your retention and concentration.

How to Take Ritalin

1. Attention deficit and hyperactivity

The dosage should be indicated according to each person's individual needs and clinical response, also varying according to age. So the recommended dose of Ritalin are the following:

Children aged six years or older: should be started with 5 mg, 1 or 2 times a day, increasing the dose weekly from 5 to 10 mg. The total daily amount ought to be administered in divided doses.

The dosage of Ritalin LA, which are the modified-release capsules, is as follows:

Children aged six years or older: can be started with 10 or 20 mg, according to medical criteria, once a day in the morning.

Adults: For people who still do not have a treatment with methylphenidate, the recommended starting dose of Ritalin LA is 20 mg once daily. For people who already have treatment with methylphenidate, this can continue therapy with the same daily dose. In adults, what should not exceed the maximum daily dose of 80 mg, and in children, our should not exceed Ritalin and Ritalin LA, the amount of 60 mg.

2. Narcolepsy

Ritalin is only approved for the treatment of narcolepsy in adults. The daily dose is 20 to 30 mg, administered in 2 to 3 divided doses.

Some people may need a dose greater than 40 to 60 mg, while for another 10 to 15 mg daily, it is sufficient; the attending physician will determine this. People who have difficulty sleeping should not administer the medication at night; the last dose should be before 18 hours.

There are essential not to exceed the maximum daily dose of this medicine, which is 60 mg.

Side Effects

The most common side effects that can be caused by treatment with Ritalin include nasopharyngitis, decreased appetite, abdominal discomfort, nausea, heartburn, nervousness, insomnia, fainting, headache, drowsiness, dizziness, changes in a heartbeat. Heart, fever, allergic reactions and decreased appetite can result in weight loss or stunted growth in children.

Also, because it is an amphetamine, methylphenidate can cause dependence if misused.

The Ritalin is contraindicated in people with hypersensitivity to methylphenidate or any excipient, people suffering from anxiety, silver haze strain, agitation, hyperthyroidism, pre-existing cardiovascular disorders. Severe hypertension, angina, occlusive arterial disease, heart failure, hemodynamically significant congenital heart disease. Cardiomyopathies, myocardial infarction, life-threatening arrhythmias and conditions caused by ionic channel dysfunction.

People with glaucoma, pheochromocytoma; diagnosis or family history of Tourette syndrome; pregnant or breastfeeding.

Seven Things You Didn't Know About The Drug Molly.

Today we want to tell you about the new fashion drug, increasingly popular and wreaking havoc among young people. This is the drug Molly, and in this article, we will see its main characteristics; we will know its effects and potential dangers. Let's start the tour.

1. What is Molly

Molly is not a new drug but a "pure" form of ecstasy. Its main effect is to produce euphoria since it is a stimulant of the nervous system and its use usually occurs in nightclubs and electronic parties.

2. How Molly is Consumed

Molly is consumed orally through pills or capsules, although it has also been seen in lick papers (such as LSD ) or injectable versions. The effect of a dose of Molly on the brain lasts a couple of hours, after which comes a period of unpleasant side effects.

3. What are Molly's Effects on Consumers

Those who use Molly are exposed to various harmful effects, some momentary and some permanent. Among them are a dangerous increase in body temperature, depression, increased heart rate, irrational behavior and possible psychotic behaviors.

4. Molly's Composition

In its pure form, Molly is composed of the so-called methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Most Molly doses are adulterated with other much more toxic substances such as caffeine, cocaine, amphetamines and PCP (phencyclidine).

5. How Molly Acts on The Brain

The action Molly on the brain starts half an hour of consumption. Its primary form of action is several neurotransmitters, causing a release of those who cause pleasure and euphoria as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.

6. Who Consumes Molly

Molly's primary consumers are teenagers and young people between 12 and 24 years old, who are just getting started in the world of drugs and use it during parties and concerts, thanks to their feeling of euphoria and disinhibition. Many times it is ingested in combination with energy drinks.

7. Immediate Dangers of Consuming Molly

Many consume Molly as they consider it a safe drug because of its purity, but most doses are mixed with other, even more, dangerous chemicals. When their effects disappear, young people can suffer from seizures, rapid body temperature changes, and even be in a coma. The brain damage may be irreversible.

Did you know this data about Molly? Drugs are dangerous and, as much as some, such as marijuana, have health benefits, most of them are addictive and even fatal.

Xanax is The Generic Name For Alprazolam.

It is a sedative for the Central Nervous System (CNS) that falls into medications known as benzodiazepines.

This class includes tranquilizers like lorazepam, Valium, and Libritabs. Xanax is prescribed by licensed doctors and is classified as a controlled category IV substance. Manufacturers recommend Xanax for the treatment of tension, nervousness, and panic attacks.

Benzodiazepines are under public investigation mainly for their highly addictive properties. When these drugs were initially developed (Xanax was patented in 1969), pharmaceutical manufacturers declared that they were not habit-forming or not addictive. Still, experience has shown that these are some of the most addictive drugs on the market.

On The Street, Xanax is Known by The Following Names:

* Bars,

* Stairs, and

* Yellow Trucks

An estimated 3 million people have been taking benzodiazepines daily for more than a year, indicating that patients should be more aware and be more careful not to follow doctors' suggestions blindly when they are recommended and prescribed. Psychoactive medications This statistic also demonstrates, as doctors ignore recommended prescribed information on drugs such as Xanax since the Federal Secretariat of Medicines recommends that Xanax be prescribed for periods of less than eight weeks for the treatment of panic attacks and anxiety.

As with many psychiatric medications (drugs), the original defense and presentation to establish its effectiveness was made by the pharmaceutical company Upjohn (now part of the Pfizer company) and was based on reports from third parties compiled by psychiatrist David Sheehan. He said that Xanax helped his patients suffering from panic attacks, even though previous research had established that benzodiazepines had little or no effect on panic disorders. Pharmacy Upjohn paid Dr. Sheehan for her "investigation" to convince the government to give Xanax approval. The Xanax, and to a lesser extent the Valium, not only causes a feeling of relaxation but initially causes a sense of euphoria and enthusiasm, or a period of much activity followed by an artificial feeling of peace. Many people have reported that after taking Xanax for one to two weeks, they began to manifest physical withdrawal symptoms, mainly headaches that only took off by taking more medication.

This potential addiction is stronger with Xanax Than than any other benzodiazepine. However, the DEA (Agency of the United States Department of Justice that requires compliance with drug and drug regulations) under the Controlled Substances Act classifies drugs according to their potential medical benefit about their potential for abuse. Addiction on a Class I scale, considered highly addictive as heroin, up to Class V. Xanax and the other benzodiazepines are classified as Class IV, which are drugs that have a low potential for abuse, have medical therapeutic acceptance.

They have a limited risk of physical or psychological dependence. Addiction professionals report that benzodiazepines are so addictive, both physically and psychologically, as opioid-derived painkillers (opiates) and other Class II narcotics. In some ways, Xanax is more problematic than opium-derived pain relievers in which suddenly stopping it can cause seizures, requiring medical help for withdrawal. In contrast, opioid withdrawal is painful but not medically dangerous.

The Xanax is so quickly prescribed to relieve joint stress and lack of sleep. There have been many older patients who have become addicted to their medicine "for nerves" inadvertently. When they try to leave, they discover that their original complaints are now more significant.

Everyone should read and understand the side effects of any psychoactive medication before accepting a prescription to ensure that the result of the treatment implementation is not going to be worse than the initial discomfort.

The Following are Documented Side Effects of Xanax:

* Eruptions

* Respiratory problems

* Swelling of the lips, face, tongue, and throat

* Drowsiness

* Decreased inhibition (lack of fear when faced with dangerous activities)

* Hallucinations, emotional disturbances, purple haze strain, and hostility

* Hyperactivity

* Dizziness, swirling, and fainting

* Less urine than usual, or no urine

* Headaches, fatigue, joint pain, and unusual weakness (flu-like symptoms)

* Problems with speech

* Total loss of memory (amnesia) and concentration problems

* Changes in appetite (including weight gain)

* Blurred vision, instability, and clumsiness (decreased coordination and balance)

* Decreased sexual desire

* Dry mouth, or increase in saliva production

* Nervousness, restlessness, lack of sleep, and sweating

* Strong or rapid palpitations (panic attacks)

* Skin inflammation

* Muscle jump, tremor, and seizures (convulsions)

The list of side effects should stop anyone to risk thinking that Xanax could be beneficial. However, people who are addicted to benzodiazepines or who are withdrawing from other medications will take that risk to relieve themselves sooner, only to realize that they have now increased their addiction problems.

When the 1st winds of legalization began to blow, there must have been a lot of publicity about the impact of state-run legal cannabis. Effective concerns such as the social and cultural impact of legal plants, their effects on the legal system, and the economy were expressed and taken into account when drafting specific bills. At the root of these concerns was, of course, child protection. As the children#39;s toy/candy market develops rapidly to meet the demands of competition, there are a

variety of devices and packaging systems designed to appeal to both children and parents. We've all been in situations where a child gets a packaged gift, just to ignore the actual gift in favor of that box coming. With this in mind, it is up to the cannabis industry professionals to create effective child-proof packaging regardless of the contents of the package.

#purplehazestrain #silverhazestrain #Ritalin #gethight420

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shytiff · 3 years

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Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be.

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt.

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100.

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf.

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner.

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live.

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sondepoch · 4 years

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IV: Neutral Route (Y/N)

Where Futures Begin

Life used to be simple for you. Peaceful. But the Savior had other plans for you, and in moments, she ruined what you thought was your one shot at happiness. Blinded by anger, you escaped the Mint Eye, but that triggered a series of events that would bring you further into the world of brothers Saeran and Saeyoung. And further into the twisted world of your love for them.

Neutral Route: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ✔

Saeyoung’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | ✔

Saeran’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | ✔

MASTERLIST

The first one to hug you wasn't Saeran, as you had thought it would be.

No, as soon as you stepped outside the Commitment Room, the Savior had embraced you, drinking in the beautiful sight of you. Her smile was dazzling as she stared at your changed hair and irises, and not a single word was exchanged as she pulled you to her personal chambers.

Your head was still in a slight daze, your mind a second late in processing everything, still healing from the pain. The Savior must have known, though, because she didn't do anything that would further tangle your thoughts.

Instead of bombarding you with questions like you had expected, she had simply told you what to do.

It was strangely comforting, being given simple commands that you were able to carry out without fear of messing up. The Savior was thoughtful like that. There was no room for error in her words, they were so simple.

Shower with soap and shampoo. Change into these undergarments. Dry your body and hair. Come out and wear this.

"Oh, silly (Y/N), do you need help with that?" The Savior asked from across the room as she observed you struggling to pull yourself into the dress she had laid out for you. For some reason, the velvet fabric wasn't gliding over your skin as smoothly as you thought it would. "Here, (Y/N), you forgot to tie the waist down first. There we go."

The Savior smiled as she continued to dress you, ordering you to stand still while she applied makeup to your face for the first time, giving you a dab of lipstick and subtle eyeliner. "It seems that Ray decided to tattoo you on your back, so all your dresses from now on will have low backs or will be backless. Now that you're fully committed, you'll want everyone to know that you've embraced magenta. They should realize that from your eyes, but showing off the mark of the Mint Eye will reinforce their suspicions on your new position."

The Savior beamed at you as she finished straightening out your dress and makeup, moving on to style your hair. Her fingers were deft, and they worked quickly, but Saeran did it better.

"I know your mind must be a jumble right now, but don't worry. You'll go back to normal as soon as you get a nice, long sleep. Tonight, I'm going to introduce you to the other members of my council. Others who have gone through the second commitment. You want to look pretty for their very first impression of you, don't you? Ray and I are the only ones who are already personally acquainted with you."

The Savior continued on, and you were relieved that she hadn't asked you anything. If she threw a question your way, you'd need a long time before you'd be able to answer it. "Wonderful. You're really quite beautiful, (Y/N). It's a shame you weren't already born with magenta hair and mint-green eyes. That would be really perfect, wouldn't it? Well, white hair suits you fine. Here, come, follow me, you're going to meet your fellow council members!"

The Savior's smile wasn't contagious, bright as it was. You followed the blonde woman to a part of the Mint Eye that you'd never been to before, the ceilings high enough and the chandeliers extravagant enough to put the Hall of Mirrors of the Versailles Palace to shame.

It was a long walk to the end of the hall, but when you finally reached the door, you found yourself nervous. It was strange. You couldn't form a single manual thought in your head, but you felt a rush of adrenaline at the thought of meeting the other council members. Or was it Saeran specifically that you were nervous to see?

The Savior laid a single knuckle across the door, the lonely syllable echoing throughout the hall despite its delicateness, and the door opened.

Everything afterward was a daze.

Not the same kind of daze you'd been in since leaving the Commitment Room, though. It was a more numb feeling, brought forth by the crushing realization that in the month you'd been gone, things had changed.

"Saeran," You whispered upon entering the room, his name possessing your lips the first time you'd opened your mouth all day.

But the male didn't stand up to greet you.

He barely even acknowledged your presence. "S..." You were about to call him again, but stopped when you saw the image before you. Saeran, laughing openly, laughing in a way that you had only seen once before, with his left arm draped around a girl you've never seen before.

"Well, (Y/N), this is my council. What's wrong, hm? Oh." The Savior followed your line of sight to where Saeran sat, and you clenched your teeth. "That's MC, our newest admit to the council. She joined last week, actually. She's...special, so she was accepted without making any primary or secondary commitments."

You didn't catch the venomous tone in the Savior's voice.

The Savior stepped further inside, her heels echoing in the small chamber, and all chatter ceased. The council members quickly darted to different seats in the room, and for the first time since your arrival, Saeran acknowledged you.

You kept your eyes on the floor, not wanting to greet anyone as the Savior gave a short speech about who you were; she took you to your seat by the hand, as if you were a child.

And in that moment, you felt like a child.

Breakable as a baby.

Like a single caress too rough would be enough to maim you for life.

And seeing Saeran laugh so openly around another girl, staring at her with eyes full of admiration, well, he may as well have just taken your heart and used it as a punching bag in one of his workouts.

"(Y/N)?" The Savior nudged you, "Is there anything you would like to add?"

You thought about saying no. You thought about asking to be excused. You thought about ignoring the Savior.

Instead, you opted for the safest route of them all. "I look forward to working with you all in our paradise," You pulled your gaze up to Saeran, then to the brown-haired woman supposedly called MC, "Where everyone is happy."

The Savior smiled, as if that were a test, and you had selected the correct answer.

"In the magenta of dreams and hope." The council chorused back to you.

***

The Savior was the leader of the Mint Eye, the supreme ruler, the sovereign head. Her blonde hair and gorgeous, green eyes suited her. They made her look distinguished among the crowd of disciples and believers, and even the council members.

As you stood in front of the mirror, though, you realized that while her face was the head of the Mint Eye, yours was the embodiment of it. With the faint touch of makeup the Savior had decorated your skin with and the simple updo she had worked your snowy white hair into, your eyes were especially prominent, practically shouting mint eyes at everyone who would ever make eye contact with you.

And the dress she had selected for you to wear - it was truly stunning. The design was elegant yet provocative, the modest length and full-sleeve arms making the violet dress look almost prudishly designed, but that only furthered the provocativeness of your completely open back, where your Mint Eye tattoo caught the eye of anyone who looked your way.

Mint eyes, magenta dress; no other colors could be seen on you, with your hair bleached, and your skin faded as if someone had put a grayscale filter over the rest of your body.

The Savior was right.

You really were beautiful.

A knock killed the silence, and your eyes darted to the door, expecting it to open. When it didn't, you walked over to it in intrigue. "Yes?" You asked, opening the door a crack, sighing in relief when you saw that it was only Saeran, "Why didn't you come in after knocking?"

Saeran strolled into your room, his expression blank, "I may be supervising your work, but we're technically the same rank in the Mint Eye, now. It would be unfitting for me to enter your room without proper authorization."

You frowned.

"Why are you being so formal, Saeran?"

"The same reason you're being so distant, (Y/N)."

You pulled your gaze up from the floorboards and met Saeran's expression. He looked...hurt? Upset? What did he mean? Were you being distant? That was only because he had started it first, with MC. Or were you overreacting? Who even was MC?

You groaned out loud, bringing a hand to cradle your head as you felt your head shake with a sudden earthquake of pain. "Please don't..." You whispered, unable to remember the words to communicate your desires. "Please don't be so confusing right now, Saeran. I can't handle it. My head hurts too much..."

Whatever emotion had taken control of Saeran in the previous moment, it was gone as he watched you try to soothe the pain coursing through your mind, so preoccupied that it seemed as if you had forgotten him altogether.

His own secondary commitment had been many years ago, but he still remembered how nothing was quite right until the morning after. Saeran sighed. "Let's get you to bed, princess. Come here."

You willed your legs to move forward, almost tripping on your own feet as you tried to escape the headache that had suddenly rooted itself in your mind. Before you could fall on the floor, you felt a pair of strong arms catch you. In seconds, you were being carried to your bed by those same arms.

Saeran held you upright with one hand, deftly undoing the hairstyle the Savior had done, and even managed to remove the makeup from your skin.

You hadn't even realized that you had fallen asleep until Saeran was waking up. "(Y/N)," he whispered, shaking you. "(Y/N), you can't fall asleep just yet. You need to change out of those clothes..."

"This is a new room. I don't even know where my wardrobe is, Saeran," you murmured, rubbing your eyes. You couldn't have been asleep more than a few minutes, but your head already felt clearer. "And I'm too tired to find out. I'll just sleep in this, it'll be okay."

You could practically feel Saeran roll his eyes at your words, and you heard him grumble, "You really like being treated like a princess, don't you, princess?"

You giggled lightly in return, and heard some shuffling in front of you.

You opened a single eye lazily and saw Saeran, shirtless, offering you the large white T-shirt he had been wearing when he came in. "Change into this, at least. It'll be long enough on you to cover everything, and I promise I won't peak..." Saeran made a show of turning around. "Tell me when I can look, okay?"

You rolled your eyes, too tired to argue. Without getting out of bed, you somehow shrugged the dress off your body and changed into Saeran's shirt. He was right. The shirt hid everything that needed to be hidden, but it still exposed the greater majority of your thighs. It was like another, shorter dress. Though if you shuffled around too much, you knew he'd see your bright (f/c) panties.

"Y-you can turn around now," You whispered, slightly embarrassed at the fact that you were wearing Saeran's clothes.

"Oh come on, (Y/N), really?" Saeran gestured dramatically to the small lump on the floor where you had uncouthly dumped your dress. "Alright, I'll fold this up, and then I'll see you tomorrow, okay, princess?" Saeran leaned over to plant a kiss on your cheek, but you pushed him backward.

"No." You said with a pout.

"You don't want me to fold the dress?" Saeran asked, arching an eyebrow.

"No. No, 'I'll see you tomorrow.' You're staying here tonight." You blurted, too tired to be embarrassed by the absurd request.

Saeran sputtered out a few syllables of shock, utterly unaware of how to handle the situation, so you took control, throwing a pillow at the light switch and you miraculously hit your target, leaving the room pitch black. "Good night, Saeran," you whispered, laying your head on one of the two remaining pillows, pulled Saeran into the bed, snuggling up against him as he resigned himself to his fate.

"Yeah, yeah, princess," He grumbled with a chuckle, acting amused even though you knew he was blushing as you wrapped your arms around his bare torso, "Good night."

You fell asleep within seconds, exhausted after a month of pain and suffering, and then a full day of actively following the Savior to meet with the council members. Your mind was far away, finally free to explore dreamland without promises of agony in the morning weighing down on your mind.

You slept with a smile on your face, blissfully unaware of how Saeran stared at you the whole night, the midnight moon through the window illuminating your face. You didn't feel him trace the tattoo he had needled into your once-bare back, or notice him playing with the hair he knew would never look the same, or even sense him staring at your closed eyes, where light circles from the eye brace still left a shadow on your face.

You didn't see him cry as he realized, once again, what he had done to you; and that every time he looked at your mint green eyes, he would be reminded of his sins against the world, against God, against you.

He stared at your soft lips, recalling how he had stolen a kiss from them in one of his attempts at getting you to drink the Elixir of Salvation. No doubt, you had no recollection of the moment—the memory drowned in the pain that followed immediately after. It was an action he regretted.

He had always wanted to kiss you, but in the right way.

Now, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to let himself get close to you again. Much less, kiss you.

As you slept, he knew you had forgiven him from the way you clung to his chest and intertwined your legs between his. He loved that quality about you. You would always forgive him whenever he messed up, give him another chance when he fell short, move on when he found himself unable to. This past month was no different in that regard, he knew. You understood his position, and you were still able to forgive him for all the suffering he'd inflicted on you.

He, on the other hand, didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive himself.

MASTERLIST

Neutral Route: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ✔

Saeyoung’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | ✔

Saeran’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | ✔

Word count: 2.5k

Notes: Life is ew wtf everything sucks :\ well, not everything, but more than usual. I've been sick and, honestly, this week just hasn't been good for me. I've had almost no time whatsoever to write, and I feel strangely stressed :( Here's hoping that life gets better by the next update

Comment & Like

Next Update: 1/13/20

I do not own the rights to Mystic Messenger or any of the characters within it.

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stray-kids-in-your-area · 5 years

Text

|Never Look Back IV|

⇀ Two runaways meet on a train, neither have a destination ahead of them. All they know is the never want to look back.

Word Count: 1,803

|M.list|

It had only been thirty minutes into your adventure you could already feel yourself wanting to shut down and run. Watching the boy fawn over small objects and get excited at seeing tiny things like a butterfly reminded you of a girl you once knew.. One that you couldn't bear to speak the name of out of fear of the memories still associated with it. You could feel your heart strings being plucked. Shaking your head you tried to clear those thoughts from your mind. Shop after shop, you walked around the town until your knees felt as though they were going to buckle.Not that you minded, it was a welcome distraction from the nagging voice inside of your head that was telling you to turn tail and run before you could give him a real chance.

You had gone to a multitude of shops, from outlets to hole in the wall thrift and record stores. You even stopped a few times to buy yourself some records and a new backpack since the one you currently owned was wearing down to it's last days, having been with you throughout your time at the group home, you it was time to retire it.

Eventually, you found yourself slowly easing into your time with Felix, his carefree and easy going attitude bringing you comfort when your thoughts wandered too far. The day flew by rather smoothly, leaving little to know time for you to wallow in doubts and fears over this newly formed alliance. It was only when Felix began to whine about his feet hurting that you two stopped at a small park bench. The boy dropped himself down and huffed. “This is so much walking” You rolled your eyes and chuckled at his childishness poking his cheeks as his lips downturned into a small pout. “This was your idea Lix” You felt yourself freeze as the nickname slipped from your mouth. Slowly but surely you could feel your heart begging to let its walls fall even just a little bit. “Lix?” The boy questioned, raising an eyebrow and cocking his head sideways. Immediately, you cleared your throat and looked away before he could catch your flustered state, “I meant Felix, sorry.” you mumbled before standing up and beginning to walk away quickly. Sitting back for a stunned moment, he shook his head and chuckled, “Hey!” He yelled to your retreating form “Wait up!” He yelled as he jogged towards you, a light feeling washing over him at the newly developed nickname.

Little did he know however, you were mentally cursing yourself for your carelessness. You slipped up, you needed to control yourself before you fell back into the same pit as before..you weren’t going to make the same mistake again. The same thoughts you were certain that you had been able to stave off for the day flooded your mind. Oh, how gravely wrong you were as those thoughts flooded your head without remorse for your psyche. You could feel the oncoming headache.

Life has always had funny ways of telling you that you fucked up. “Troublemaker, wild child, ungrateful brat”. Your childhood had been branded with countless titles to describe your unruly behaviour. The empty threats of punishments that poured from the chapped lips of the snobby elderly women who had been assigned to “care” (a term that you would come to find was quite subjective in the foster system) for you in hopes that one of them would be able to tame your rebellious streak. Never allowing your caretakers a moment’s peace by persistently finding things to stick your grubby hands into. Looking back now, you could almost forgive your caretakers for their words..almost.

However, despite your ardent need to constantly find mischief, there had always been a silver lining. Your silver lining had been a girl named Aurora, someone who you had seen as more than just a partner in crime, or a simple best friend. No, Aurora had been a sister to you, planting herself into the depths of your heart where there had been nothing but a barren wasteland and carefully curating a meadow that overflowed with nothing but love and admiration for your makeshift sister. To your dismay, what had been your silver lining, would also ruin you.

A hand clapping you on your shoulder had shaken you from your thoughts. “Hey Y/N, is everything alright?” Felix asked, genuine concern clouding his features. Mustering up a smile, you decided that you needed to take a break from yourself and softly nodded, not trusting your voice to speak for you. Sensing the discomfort, Felix flashed another one of his toothy grins and pulled your arm forward, not needing any words to convey that he was about to take you to another one of his favorite places. Smiling softly, your shoulders released tension you didn’t know they were holding and you allowed yourself to follow the rambunctious man leading the way to your next adventure.

After visiting a few more shops, an Ice cream parlour, and a small diner that served the best dinner you had eaten in weeks, you finally made it back to Felix’s place. Both of you flopped onto his couch, exhausted. Whipping your phone out, you checked the time, glancing to the man sitting beside you who currently had his arm draped over his face you read it out. “1:12 Felix you lied, you said we’d be back by one. It’s twelve minutes past that.” The boy groaned and rolled himself sideways and off the couch. “And you said you were leaving at 10pm. You have NO room to talk.” Scoffing lightly, you playfully kicked his leg. “If my memory serves me right, I clearly remember when I told you it was close to 10, you dropped to your knees and begged me to stay longer but I DIGRESS.” Lifting himself up into a sitting position, he nudged your knee at your mocking tone. “Well i’m sorry that I think you’re a cool person and want to hang out with you more. I don’t get why you have to leave so soon.” His lips turning into a small pout yet again. Sighing, you leaned further into the couch before responding to him. “I told you, I have no reason to stay” throwing an arm over your face before settling into the couch. Heavy lids beginning to fall shut as the first tendrils of sleep overtook your body.

You could hear the boy deeply sigh from his place on the ground. “You know we had some good conversations all night, I told you some things about me yet, I still know absolutely nothing about you except your name..OH and the fact that sarcasm is your only defense” By the sound of his voice, you could almost hear the slight tinge of sadness that came with his words, it made your heart ache to know you had caused it. However, you trumped those feelings down before removing your arm and lifting your head to look at him seriously. “First off-” You lifted your index finger in the air to emphasize your point- “I may be sarcastic but it’s not the only thing I have.” LIfting another finger you counted off again- “secondly why do you need to know anything about me?” you asked, in an “as-a-matter-of-fact” tone. Felix looked down at the couch, picking at the lent and loose seams that had gathered there over the years of use, waiting a moment before speaking once again. “I don’t need to, but it would be nice to know you more..since we’re friends and all” he mumbled through his pouting lips.

Friends...The word seeped through the crevices of your tired mind. It made your heart clench. It had been so long since you had a real friend. Everything in you was telling you to trust this boy, to accept him as a new part of your life, and before you knew it the words “I ran away.” flew from your mouth. You felt instant regret at the admission of the words, you knew that this was the last time you’d see him. Why grow closer when you know it’s already over? What the hell were you thinking? You mentally scolded yourself. You could see his blonde tuffs pop up from the floor, his interest piqued as you opened the door for him to peek into your enigmatic life story. After allowing the words to settle in his brain, he looked up to you, locking eyes. “Why?” he asked after a beat of silence. Smiling to yourself, you couldn’t help but chuckle, “That’s a pressing question.” you quipped back sarcastically. “You’re right, don’t answer that; but how come that means you have to leave here?” He asked, voice filled with genuine curiosity. “I want to travel.” The lies rolling off of your tongue, hoping that maybe just maybe, you new friend could see through it, I’m running. “I want to see everything i can see and that doesn’t happen by staying in one place.” I fear that if I stay too long, you may become another Aurora. Your head was pounding too much, the thoughts you had tried to suppress all day surging to the forefront of your mind. “Is that one of the reasons you left?” Sighing, you nudged the man gently, “Felix.” you said, tone set in a warning. “ Right, right sorry. I don’t mean to pry, it just worries me to think that you’re running from something.” Your breath hitched. A foreign feeling of confusion and anguish surging through your body, as you felt your walls beginning to go back up. He had seen right through you, read you like an open book.

“Why do you care so much? We’ve only barely met.” you spat defensively. The look on his face never changing from the calm expression even as you tensed up and spoke harshly. Smiling softly, he laid on his back and looked up at the ceiling. “And yet you spent an entire day with me and are currently sitting on my couch.” He said, gesturing to your sprawled body. “Listen, I care because you remind me so much of someone I met before.”- His voice cracking a bit, as he stopped for a minute, as if trying to control his emotions before speaking again. “I haven't seen him or heard from him since he left. He always claimed the same..he had no reason to stay.” The sadness radiating from his words unmistakable as he talked about the man. Now, it was you whose interest was piqued. “What was his name?” you asked. Felix looked to you, breaking his gaze away from the ceiling, mischief and mirth settling across his handsome features. “A secret for a secret?”

——————————————-- ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ——————————————

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zella-starr · 4 years

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Cassandra is its hero: a girl that can see bad news or predict the end of the world- but no one ever listens so its stuck in a perpetual state of existing and emotional terror: zella finally figured out what 12 monkeys is about and it wrote this absurt literal wtf short story that only makes sense to those who look deeply there are some spoilers in #s but if anyone does read it and it doesnt get it kicked the f out then just tell it what you think of the ending - if you understand it at all lol

it prays, to pic related that tumblr has more femine creatures than ones who do not understand metaphors or cannot see between white and black every shade of grey

it presents: The Cassandra Effect don’t read it tho its insanity personified

DO NOT READ THIS YALL!

The Casandra effect short story by something called zella or ezla or something idk it aplogizes for spelling errors but it freaked out and though it lost its masterpiece via saudi princes banning it from twitter

"my name is Casaandea" my name is Casandra - she repeated after the cubes. something about tit felt--different- a sinister evil the cube felt different today But she had learned to not listen to such thoughts- the kind of thing that would tear a weaker specimen to pieces but cas- (arrogance my darling)

Zella01/11/2020 "a horse, of course, my darling" ` as far as Cassie could tell, the cube thought this was amusing- cute even- she smiled- kind of. and but her little black boots on for a flickering moment she wondered what day it was then scoffed- "days" the cube has replaced any need for such distinctions

Zella01/11/2020 the first thing the cube had said to the population of Wintersville upon its gran unveiling via the tribesman, was "every day is exact;u the same,!" like the great Adema themselves said! " stupid vicky, who is no long with us began to correct the cube . "That's Nine Inch Nails haha" but the look the tribesman- the one who was always beside the cube, well i sure wouldn't want to see that peak in the window at night such as on Thursdays when the servants of tribesman would do so- there were strict rules regarding sexual activity it goes without saying that after the great collapse everyone was sterilized- no children period. they were rounded up and shipped off to.. Cassiei always forgets just where but since the tribesman had brought in his spiritual leader Augustness. sexual pleasure had become limited for men- and more so for women. a man without a wife was most scrutinized and often was sent to another sector. One man was caught, welll Cassie was supposed to keep heer mind off of such things as she had been scolded since mistaking the tribesman wife for well not a woman Cassie stopped for a moment and looked around she felt the fear. this means they could to,. but why was the memory so frightful? it was a simple truth he had told her there are men, and there are women Cassies little black boots were almost at the entrance of the factory when her favorite sound on earth came screeching through the air and crashed into her eardrums like the silly old tale of the 2 became 1 buildings nonsense It was Kathy- Cassie's coworker and Nemesis- her voice was always happy-sounding- often at awkward times- but none would beat this "Cracker John Joe got hit my a truck!" "excuse me?" "yep, his head came plum off his neck too!" "what he's.. dead?" "ok well it did not come plum off his head it wad i think about half of it the tire just smashed his head and it crumbled but lots of the crumblings were far away so it was almost his." Cassie had to make sure her stress did not rise- or as the Tribesman called it her Gorita acting amuck " this would require intervention from the cubes she decided to take a peek anyway, despite kathy (what kind of fucking name is that anyway-ok Cassie stop it) and she wa.. well it was actually not such a great idea it was not that they were close,. they did not go to prom together. they did not kiss each other on the cheek after a run-in on the one single street in wintersville. but she did work with him, he was a bubbly guy, thats what the tribesman said of him- and obviously the tribesman had him killed sometimes though she wondered which was in control, him or the cubes- this thought was followed my a very sharp pain and headache that would last for day at a time (this was how the subjects of the satanic mind-control experiment that was wintersville, were trained- imagine a dog being shocked every time it bites someone) It was not the worst one she had felt, no, that was easy to pin point: one day at work- an outsider was brought in. A girl- of 16 or 17 years old. Tribesman had another man with him that day- no one spoke his name- but he decided it would be best for Casandra and the new girl (Cassie called her flower as her name was never known) Flower had an outrageous hick accent- one that cassie would normally have been disgusted by, but flower was different. she had a light shining from her eyes. a softness to her lips and to her touch. one that cassie did not forget later that evening when she was alone., this was before she learned she was never alone when the cubes were anywhere near by. she tried not to remember - because if she remembered she felt It had been several years since Cassies husband dissipated. quite literally in front of her eyes. he was gone. the depression was so great, she hadn't played with herself in - there she goes again- as if there is any such thing as years or months or days or seconds. no past. no future but still, it was worth a little bit of that pain- fuck even at the time the piercing razorblade feeling, starting with her clit up to her eye balls was worth it. She touched herself- quite a bit. she rubbing her clit and moaning- at the previous images of Flower , her soft lips and perky tits- but then Cassie still didn't know that the slicing, the burning pain she could still feel - started the second the man with no name- after his henchmen had kidnapped and beaten Flower - a pain Cassie mistook for pleasure (are they not the same) set flowers body on fire and what little life there was inside of her soon was no more what would cassie have done HAD she known? should we find out? we control this. we control this experiment. would she revolt? haha against whom? what if we ended the experiment early - the knife she just tabbed int the "tribesman" was, in fact, her mother? we are not sure yet. but surely a woman who wears the same black boots every day after being given a new name she is sure she has always had- to go to work where she does n not know what she does. something something. could her infatuation with Flower show us new and exciting ways to break her down? because this will en no other way every controlled subject still must die its one of our favorite tricks- to instill into the psych of the truly helpless- that surely ifshe had suffered THIS much, then there would be no more one day>? I mean that IS how it works is it not? we suffer- then karma picks us up. what do you think fellahs? fuck it. why not. she must be broken- lets break her slower than most- lets take that hope- and stretch it lets create a future for her - one she will only think of, we can build her up give her what she wants for a day- we can bring flower back and kill her again or maybe something new? something not romantic. often the cold hearted clutches onto something- or someone that oppresses others. lets make enemies for her, shadows she can jump when she sees. others. the town is all white? lets increase paranoia of an oncoming slew of blacks or Mexicans. of course we will choose the kindest ones we know, those ho speak Spanish will frighten her the most- we dont let her learn things here. not anything useful yes even greater than the destruction of flower- will be the terror of the others. lets bring in tansgender people. lets legalize gay marriage. lets let others have children but only once she is to old to have them herself but thats not enough- now we needa hero and we all know how this story ends -The end

for real if you made it this far thank you for reading a single word ive ever written its all i want in this world- well not quite but close <3

the worst thing you can do to someone is make them the enemy theyve always hated via some tyrant taking over their minds and souls and spitting out a perverse vile version of them- no point to go to its funeral it died long ago..

#horror #scifi #mind control #mind corruption #mind conditioning #trump #maga2020 #psychos #3 letter demon monsters

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raddiantt · 4 years

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12/16/20

Before 4th grade I hated reading. I would literally cry everytime I had SSR homework and fill out that reading log. I would give my parents so many headaches. But when fifth grade came around, I started reading twilight from my friend Ashely’s recommendation. holy shit. I devoured that book in 3 days. same with all the other ones in thee series. The first thing I would do when I got home from school is rush to my book. It was the last thing I did before bed. my parents actually got mad because I was reading too much. That series obviously didn’t last forever, so I moved on. For some reason I have only slightly analyzed, I have always loved horror. ever since I was little, I loved horror movies like Chucky, this is probably why the books I read thereafter were all horror novels. It may also have to do with the fact that I knew my mom liked horror movies too, maybe they made me feel closer to her. or maybe it felt like I was rebelling against the church who hated those type of things.

Irregardless, I started devouring horror books. That’s when I fell in love with the book fair. I no longer cared about the cool little toys they had, but I cared about the horror books they saw. I had the same awe expression to them I do now with bookstores and libraries. being among an abundance of talent and knowledge almost makes me tear up every time I think about all the lives that slaved away, and put their souls into each dog earned creation. I remember one was like 400 pages, and my mom didn’t want to get it because she didn’t believe I'd actually finish it. I knocked it out in just a few days.

Over time, I lost my love for reading. or more so, the care of it. I stared middle school and all at once my life was consumed by social activity and conversation. which if fine, except I wish. still put aside time for intellectual pursuits instead of caring so much about boys.

When I started trying too get back into reading two summers ago, I handled it the wrong way. I started with the books that I was supposed to like because they were classics and everyone else did. but I no longer had the patience and concentration to take in books like that. what I should have done, that I am doing now, is reading books that I find fun and interesting. fiction books of drama and romance, horror, and psychology (bc Ive always loved it and reading it academically doesn’t feel like a chore). I went to the library, and I will also bring back my collection when I visit home over break. I’m going to limit my phone time and try to replace int with reading and journal time.

This is a habit that is very important for me to solidify, because I truly love love books with all my heart, and the thought that I will never be able too read all that I want to before I depart this earth is truly upsetting.

#diary #reading #horror #4

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heartsunholy-a · 5 years

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☪ five times our muses almost hold hands, and the one time they do. (MORRIS/BETTY ENJOY)

Five Times Drabbles // Selectively Accepting // @tomorrcwsnews

Aka: Morris yanks Betty around by her wrist a lot and they end up protecting each other a lot more than either of them will ever admit

She can barely see where she’s going - which, admittedly, makes everything worse since she’s only lived in Manhattan for a week or two. But she knows the way to the butcher’s, at least. Problem is, she’s carrying too many packages. Chic said he would take them when he finished his shift but the butcher was close enough to her school that Betty figured she’d lighten her brother’s load - as much as a 12-year-old girl could. But the stack of groceries in her arms makes it difficult to navigate the busy Manhattan sidewalks.

It’s all a blur. The noise of a trolley car rings in her ears as an unseen hand reaches for Betty’s wrist and yanks her backwards, away from the curb. Her groceries fly everywhere but she’s safe. Still a little dazed, she moves to gather her belongings, sparring a look up at her savior. A boy, roughly her age. He makes no move to help gather her things and perhaps Betty’s confusion looks like something more ungrateful to him.

“I saved ya from being tomorrow’s headline. ‘Girl Crushed By Trolley.’ Yer welcome, by the way.”

Betty huffs in annoyance and brushes the dirt from her skirts as she stands with the stack of groceries back in her arms. Just as precariously stacked as before. She’s mostly annoyed he didn’t give her a chance to thank him in her own time - she would’ve. He was right, she very nearly could’ve been hurt. Instead, not appreciating his attitude, the Brooklyn-born blonde peeks around her belongings to shoot the boy a sugary sweet smile. “My hero,” she coos, insincerity dripping from her words. He scoffs and turns on his heel, clearly no longer interested in her thanks.

She misses Brooklyn.

ii.

Hiram Lodge is kind to them but Betty wonders if it’s only because of her friendship with Veronica. She had been friends with the heiress practically since moving to Manhattan and she sometimes forgets how powerful and wealthy the Lodges truly are. With Hal Cooper laid up with a leg injury he got at his construction job, Betty’s connection to the Lodges has been invaluable. She and Chic need jobs of their own and Hiram will ensure they find decent work.

He’s offering Chic a distribution job, showing him around the World’s distribution center, introducing him to Mr. Wiesel. Betty’s left to her own devices. Hiram’s already promised to introduce her to THE William Randolph Hearst, to be a secretary or maybe a columnist herself! So the blonde thumbs through a stack of papers, bound and ready to distribute. Well…if she tied them back up, what was the harm in taking just one to read for now?

She unties a bundle and moves to grab the paper on top when a warm, rough hand slams atop her own and Betty glances up. There’s…something familiar about this boy.

“And whaddya think you’re doin’, Blonde?”

…Oh god.

“Baking a cake, what does it look like I’m doing?” She’s not winning herself or Chic any favors with her sarcastic retort, but Betty swears she can hear her brother, Hiram, and Mr. Wiesel laughing in the background, so she doubts anyone else has heard her.

“It looks like you’re tryina steal from us,” he presses, hand still warm atop Betty’s but his gaze icy cold.

“Steal a paper, are you kidding? Do I look like I can’t afford a dime for a paper?” She’s no heiress like Veronica but her family is doing okay. Or at least had been but with Betty and her brother joining their sister in the workforce, they’d be fine again soon enough.

“Then cough it up. Put ya money where ya mouth is.”

“Ah! Betty dear, I see you’ve already met one of Chic’s potential work mates!” There’s something sly in Hiram Lodge’s smile and Betty’s cheeks burn at the implication. “Chic, my boy! This young man is Morris Delancy. He and his brother Oscar run most of the day to day operations here. And Wiesel, good man, this is Miss Betty Cooper, Chic’s youngest sister and my Veronica’s best friend.”

Betty uses the distraction to slip her hand out from Morris’s hold - with her paper clutched victoriously in her grasp. She turns back to Morris, that same sweet smile in place from years before. “Thank you for the paper, Morris. It was really very sweet of you to offer.” Her smile grows smug as Hiram escorts the Coopers to the New York Journal’s offices, away from the seething Morris.

iii.

Chic doesn’t take the job at the distribution center, instead opting for a security officer position at City Hall. But Betty finds herself back at the distribution center before she knows it. She’s chasing a story, with dreams of writing something other than a vaudeville review. The trolley workers are striking and she’s trying to get a quote from the Delancys, about rumors that they were paid to harass the strikers. As per usual, there are raised voices and arguing - Betty’s never seen eye to eye with the Delancey brothers - but Morris cuts himself off when his attention is stolen by a more pressing matter.

Rough fingers curl around Betty’s wrist, tugging her into the nearest alley. His other hand clamps against her mouth when she starts to protest. Only then does the blonde hear the noises from further down the block. She tries to plead with her eyes, assuring him that she’ll stay silent. Morris seems to get the message as he lifts his hand from her mouth. Betty peers around the corner, taking in the shadows. She’s only heard whispers and rumors like he’s some sort of boogeyman but she knows what’s going on. Snyder the Spider taking in an unsuspecting victim to the Refuge.

It’s sometime later when the sounds die down and Snyder doesn’t appear to be nearing their location. Morris’s grip on her wrist is loose, calloused fingertips barely brushing against her skin. He doesn’t protest when she pulls her hand out of his hold entirely.

“Um…Thanks. For that,” she murmurs, gaze flickering back to the street just in case Snyder was about to show up again.

Morris nods and it’s the most civilly they’ve spoken since they’ve met. “Yeah, well. Shoulda been home anyway, Blondie. Next time, I might not be here t’ save ya.”

Maybe it’s because she’s seen someone far scarier tonight, but there’s less malice in his voice than usual.

iv.

The newsies are striking and it’s Betty’s chance to get a real story published!

When the newsies successfully stop scabs from delivering the papers in their places, Morris and Oscar try and muscle them all out. Betty has no problems going toe to toe with them. She doesn’t mind being the thorn in their side if it gets her the story - especially not when they treat other kids like crap. They don’t really hit the girls back, just sort of cart them off to the side, but Betty contents herself to being a distraction, for some of the other boys to get somewhere safe.

Then the bulls arrive. And relief lasts for only a second before a nightstick swings back and strikes Romeo’s face. And then chaos returns, a hundredfold.

The next time Morris scoops Betty up, he doesn’t try to carry her to the circulation gate. He moves to an alley, a side street. A way out. And when he sets her down and Betty tries to rush past him, he stands his ground.

“For a smart girl, you’re really fuckin’ dumb. It’s suicide, goin’ back there!” His voice is loud but not louder than the heartbeat thumping in Betty’s ears.

“They need me! Not everyone’s a selfish prick like you!” She struggles, hands pressed against his chest, knees lifting but he stands strong, even when she can tell her blows are substantial.

One of Morris’s hands lifts - not to push Betty back, but to hold her in place. His hand around her wrist causes her to freeze. She’s confused and angry and the battle rages on behind them and she just wants to help, hates hearing the way the newsies are crying out, she needs to help!

“Cooper.”

It’s the first time Betty can ever remember Morris calling her by name. And there’s something urgent, almost pleading in his voice. “It’s gonna get ugly. You don’t wanna go back there. Use that big ol’ brain o’ yours and do the smart thing.”

Oscar approaches, corralling Katherine and Veronica - but he appears less like he’s shoving them and more like he’s guiding them. Veronica, with one hand twined in Katherine’s, reaches for Betty’s.

They’ll regroup. They’ll find the newsies who’ve already escaped. Snyder and Pulitzer may have won a battle but they haven’t won the war. Katherine and Betty have their articles to finish, after all.

Morris lets go of her wrist, his face unreadable, and he watches for a moment as the girls - hands clutching each other’s desperately - flee into the night. Betty swears his eyes haunt her dreams for the following nights as much as the fight does.

“Honestly Delancy, what would you ever do without me?”

“Stop havin’ so many damn headaches a day, pro’ly.”

She chuckles but doesn’t stop her work, wrapping cloth around bruised and bleeding knuckles. She hasn’t asked what Morris was doing before she found him, resting in an alley on her route home from the Journal’s offices. She’s learned the hard way she doesn’t always want to know the nitty gritty details of Morris’s life. Not like he’ll tell her anyway. They may have formed some sort of tentative truce now that the strike’s over but she knows the Delancey brothers don’t trust a nosy reporter as far as they can throw her. (And Betty wagers they could probably throw her a fair distance.)

But she can’t leave him like this, struggling to bind his injuries with his non-dominant hand. So she takes his wounded hand and rests it in her lap, her fingers working to tie her handkerchief as a makeshift bandage. The banter is short-lived for once and a silence falls over the pair as the blonde continues her work. Once completed, Betty pats his palm gingerly with her fingertips, as if to punctuate the end of her work. “There. That should hold for the night, at least.”

He curls his fingers experimentally but doesn’t remove his hand from her lap. Betty pretends not to notice.

“…Why?” Morris finally speaks up, gaze aimed at his bound hand and ignoring the blonde beside him. His question’s so quiet Betty barely hears it.

She too is silent for a long moment, only shrugging in reply at first. “I don’t hate you, you know. You and Oscar seem to think I do but…I don’t.”

“Coulda fooled me,” he grumbles and Betty finds herself chuckling softly.

“I mean, you’re an absolute prick, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not gonna just let you bleed out on the street. No one deserves that.” He falls silent and Betty risks a glance in his direction. Something she can’t quite name worms its way into her chest and she hates it but she doesn’t ignore it. Instead, she pats his palm once more before standing up. “…G’night, Morris.”

She almost swears she hears a “G’night, Cooper” as she returns on her path home.

vi.

She really hates having to do this. But the headlines had all been talking about the borough-wide streetlight repairs being done and she knows it’ll be dark on her walk home tonight. Chic’s home with the flu, meaning he can’t pick her up from the Journal’s offices. She doesn’t want to bother her father - he’s still easing back into work after his leg had healed and walking across town and back wouldn’t be good for him.

She leaves the offices while it’s still light and tries to rush to the World’s distribution center. She figures there still oughta be some of the newsies around getting their pay. Maybe she can ask one of them to escort her home. But when she arrives, all she sees is Morris, stacking empty crates. None of her friends, not even Oscar or Wiesel, though Betty figures they’re inside.

Shit. She glances at the horizon, watches the sky turn dark. She could probably make it to the Tribune to see if Darcy was still there, but…

“Hey! Beat it, Blondie. Ya ain’t got nothin’ better t’ do than hang out around here? All ya newsie pals ‘re gone.”

…Great. So much for getting away without dealing with Morris.

Betty sighs, blowing a loose strand of hair out of her face. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. Don’t worry about it, okay? I was just trying to see if Jack or Davey or someone was still around and could walk me home. You know, since the lights are down and all?” Her gaze refocuses on the sky, trying to calculate how dark it would be by the time she walked somewhere else to find an escort home. “But forget it, I’ll go back to the Journal and-”

When Betty turns back around, words died in her throat at the sight of Morris’s outstretched hand and expectant stare. “…Are you serious?” she questions, skepticism all but dripping from her tone.

“D’ya see anyone else around here? C’mon Cooper, the sooner I get ya home, the sooner I can go t’ bed. You ain’t the only one who had a long da-”

It’s Morris’s turn to go speechless when Betty takes his hand, fingers lacing between his. Her smile is a little too smug to be aimed at someone doing her a favor. But Morris deserves it. He doesn’t really retaliate, only scoffing. He tugs on her hand, urging her to walk. And she does, falling in step beside the boy.

It’s dark enough to mask any heat that dusts Betty’s cheeks, allowing her to focus on the warmth of Morris’s hand in hers.

#messages #tomorrcwsnews #betty cooper » ic #connection » i know my skull bustin' arm could use a day of rest (morris delancey)#((hey hi uh?????? im fucked up????? these two got me fucked up????))#ship » i don't trust you but i want to ; please don't let me fall (betty and morris)#misc » i wanna scream 'i love you' from the top of my lungs (save tag)

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michaelmyersmalewife · 5 years

Text

DYAD | iv. ad hominem | MASTERLIST

words: 3k+

venom symbiote x reader

warning(s): mild medical malpractice

you can also support this fic on wattpad & ao3

CLASSIFIED REPORT (1/?) MEMORANDUM

TO: DRAKE, CARLTON; Life Foundation Head CEO

FROM: SKIRTH, DORA; Life Foundation Board of Biochemistry

SUBJECT: [NAME REDACTED]

1. It is [TIME REDACTED, DATE REDACTED]. As per your request I will be regularly documenting [NAME REDACTED] during their bonding process with SUBJECT #6.

2. It has been exactly 1 HOUR since [NAME REDACTED] came into contact with the symbiote. Subject remains unresponsive to cognitive stimulus. Physical stimulus, however, yields a regular response (does not appreciate being handled). Appears to be in an 'autopilot' state. Vitals are currently normal.

3. It has been 5 hours since first contact. We have managed to relocate [NAME REDACTED] to their new holding cell. They did not seem too happy about it but they have since settled down. They seem to be unaware of their surroundings at the current time of writing this.

4. P.S. - Requesting to send in 3 more armed security. For monitoring purposes.

CLASSIFIED REPORT (7/?) MEMORANDUM

TO: DRAKE, CARLTON; Life Foundation Head CEO

FROM: SKIRTH, DORA; Life Foundation Board of Biochemistry

SUBJECT: [NAME REDACTED]

1. It has been 10 hours since first contact between [NAME REDACTED] and SUBJECT #6. [NAME REDACTED] is having minor convulsions at random intervals. Vitals are experiencing spikes before regulating at the same rate. Internal body temperature seems to be experiencing similar symptoms to a high grade fever. At the current moment I do not recommend forced separation.

2. It is [TIME REDACTED, DATE REDACTED]. It has been 20 hours since first contact. Vitals have stabilized. [NAME REDACTED] seems to be in a catatonic state but brain scans show an abnormal amount of cognitive activity. It is my professional opinion to assume the symbiote is attempting to connect. Forced separation is not advised.

3. It is [TIME REDACTED, DATE REDACTED]. It has been 30 hours since first contact. [NAME REDACTED] is mobile but not fully conscious. They are not capable of holding conversations at the current moment but have been observed to repeat the word "hungry". We have attempted to give [NAME REDACTED] some form of sustenance since contact - bland foods - but have barely touched it or ignored it entirely. During one attempt they assaulted a researcher (who wanted me to inform you of their resignation but we can talk in length about that later). They appear to be very eager to leave the cell. Do not advise any form of intervention. I believe they feel threatened by security. Requesting to have them exit the room and guard its entrance instead.

4. P.S. - Requesting repair for cell #2.

CLASSIFIED REPORT (10/?) MEMORANDUM

TO: DRAKE, CARLTON; Life Foundation Head CEO

FROM: SKIRTH, DORA; Life Foundation Board of Biochemistry

SUBJECT: [NAME REDACTED]

1. It is [TIME REDACTED, DATE REDACTED]. 48 hours have passed since first contact. [NAME REDACTED] seems to be regaining full consciousness. Vitals are stabilizing. Brain activity is still at a high.

2. [NAME REDACTED] is awake. They appear to be talking to something. I believe they have established some form of communication with SUBJECT #6. For the time being, forced separation is no longer viable.

You jumped, heart pounding in your head.

That voice. You couldn't be the only one hearing it, right? There had to be a mic somewhere in the room, there's no other way you could possibly explain it. It definitely wasn't yours. It was too deep, too..rich, for lack of a better term. Desperately, but trying not to panic, you looked around the room like a lost child, searching for the source of the voice.

I'm right here

"Jesus-" you flinched. There it was again. And again, it was starting to sound less like something over an intercom and more like something ringing in your ears. "Alright, where are you, huh? You wanna tell me what's going on?"

Look

By some reason you couldn't explain, you felt drawn to the glass door behind you. Like a thought was placed directly into your mind. You didn't question it then. Instead you obediently shuffled to the door, peering into the glass at your own reflection. Only it wasn't your reflection that was staring back at you. You jumped backward, a short yell escaping you.

The creature reflected in the glass looked far from human, like a poor interpretation of what a human looked like. It got the basics down - a face, complete with eyes and a mouth. But in its grin were needle-sharp teeth that could rip a person to shreds, and just behind its cage-like teeth was a long, drooling tongue. Its eyes were unlike anything you had ever seen. Massive, glazed over and watery, with an almost milky consistency stared back at you intently. Eagerly. You couldn't tell what exactly it was staring at - as the thing had no visible irises - but you felt its gaze on you. Your body was wracked with chills, a low nervous laughter creeping from your lips.

"Uh-um, I know you like keeping me in the dark but this - this is really not funny," Starting to creep me out, you muttered.

I can hear you

"Please stop doing that."

You stood in the center of the room, facing the only camera you could see situated in one corner of the cell's ceiling. You cupped your hands around your mouth.

"Hey! I know you can probably hear me! I have no fucking clue what you did to me back there but I'm really not liking this situation right now!"

You're being very unreasonable

"Oh I'm unreasonable?!"

...Yes

You let out a long exhale. "Can you -" your hands were shaking. You balled them into fists at your side. "Whatever you are, can you not right now?"

Before you could blink you heard a strange sound coming from behind you, like something slithering through water that wasn't there. In a matter of seconds a spiral of thick, black tendrils emerged from what you assumed was your back. They coalesced - almost elegantly - into a serpentine mass, jaws and teeth and eyes and a face manifesting out of nowhere, forming a figure that was constantly shifting in place like an iridescent oil spill. It was unearthly. The process only took place in the span of a few seconds but watching it appear before you seemed to slow time down.

The creature stared at you, looking you up and down like you were a meal. It's already wide smile widened even more, eyes narrowing into long, white slits. A low, quiet purring noise emanated from the creature, although you couldn't imagine it contained any sort of internal viscera capable of producing it. The creature brought itself closer to you, leaving only about a foot or less of personal space.

"Whatever this is..is stuck with you." its forehead poked the bridge of your nose. You flinched. "For the time being."

You didn't like the sound of that, so you pushed it to the back of your mind for later. "And....what are you, exactly?"

There was a rumble in its throat, tongue running along the edge of its teeth. "I am Venom," it said as it undulated around you, almost examining you.

"Uh, hey? I guess? I'm-" Venom interrupted you mid-sentence, clearly saying your name with a growl. The sound of it on its tongue sent goosebumps down your arms.

"How the fuck do you know that?"

Venom's face reappeared on the opposite side of your head. You had long since tried keeping eye contact with it, not like you would even want to in the first place.

"I am in your head, after all."

"Y-You're..what?"

"Please keep up."

"No no no no no I heard you the first time I'm just uh," you shook your hands, your nervousness showing a little too much for your tastes. "Processing it."

Sheepishly, you stretched your arm out in front of you, and Venom remained as still as it possibly could. You poked the shifting mass' side with a single finger, as though it would swallow you up at any moment. Upon contact Venom recoiled, eyes thinning out into what almost looked like a scowl, and retreated back into your body. Your whole form shook from the movement. Venom was real, too real. You slowly stumbled backward onto the cot, trying to control your breathing.

I did mean it literally, you know

"R-Right, I just uh, just trying to make sure." your headache was pounding again. And you were hungry.

We need to feed

"Yeah, no sh - wait. We?" You straightened up in your seat. "Wait wait wait wait wait. When did this turn into a 'we' situation?"

The moment we bonded

Venom said it so straightforwardly that you had to laugh, flopping your tired body back on the mattress. "That didn't feel like 'bonding' so much as it did a physical assault."

Venom was quiet, and for a moment you thought you could hear it thinking.

I need you. And you need me

You rolled over onto your side, tucking one arm beneath your head. Its words left an uncomfortable, desperate ringing in the back of your skull. You sighed, closing your eyes. "Sure."

CLASSIFIED REPORT (12/?) MEMORANDUM

TO: DRAKE, CARLTON; Life Foundation Head CEO

FROM: SKIRTH, DORA; Life Foundation Board of Biochemistry

SUBJECT: [NAME REDACTED]

1. It is [TIME REDACTED, DATE REDACTED]. I've just finished reviewing the surveillance tapes from last night. The connection humans are able to establish with symbiotes is incredible. We still have much to learn from these two, and in my professional opinion I believe we should move forward with the physical and mental examinations.

2. I made it a point to visit [NAME REDACTED]. There was no sign of the symbiote as of yet but it does seem that they have established a solid form of communication. I have not asked them to relay what it is saying to them at the current moment. It feels too invasive given the current circumstances, so that should come later.

3. P.S. - Requesting to deliver state-issued meal packets to [NAME REDACTED]'s cell.

There is never a dull moment at the Life Foundation laboratories.

You hadn't realized how early you were awakened by your passenger until a man in a white lab coat shoved a tray of lukewarm food in plastic packages through a slit in your cell door. The dully colored mush disguised as food did little to sooth your hunger. In fact, it only worsened it. Not even a minute had passed before your stomach painfully expelled it from your body.

Venom wasn't all too pleased either.

Then came the testing. Wherever you were escorted to you were followed by dozens of eyes all focused on you. In your mind only a day had passed between your first meeting with Venom and now, but in reality you were missing more time than you were comfortable dealing with. And in that time, word had inevitably gotten around. As if the four guards enclosed around you as you walked didn't draw enough attention - along with the tight cuffs shackled around your wrists and ankles - you might as well have worn a neon sign that read DANGER.

But you didn't feel dangerous. Venom on the other hand, Venom was something you couldn't wrap your mind around.

I don't like this

"Yeah, me neither pal." You muttered under your breath. Almost immediately the tall, bald man walking ahead of you sharply turned his head, hissing a shh. You scowled.

I could break these as easily as snapping his ribs

You rolled your eyes. "Then why don't you."

Suddenly, you heard the familiar tapping of heels as Dr. Skirth trodded down the hallway in a slow jog, clutching a thin tablet in her arms. She looked tired.

"Sorry! Running a little late today." she said with a weak laugh.

You furrowed your brow.

Aww, are you worried about her?

You said nothing, an annoyed grumble sounding in your throat. Skirth turned her head. "Excuse me?" she said softly.

"N-Nothing, it's-"

"Is it..." she mouthed 'the symbiote' even though you were sure everyone in the building knew what she was talking about.

Are you ignoring me now?

You nodded. A wave of relief washed over her face as she dug a lanyard out of her coat pocket, holding the card attached to it up to a scanner.

You can't keep this up for long

"Perfect! We've modified our tests to include your sample so no more simple exercises." The door slid open. "For now, at least."

Inside the room was roughly the same setup as your previous "tests". Only this time there were devices you didn't recognized placed neatly on a table. And leaning on one of the desks was Carlton Drake himself. Your body tensed.

Who the hell is this guy?

Drake stood, arms outstretched in a way too amicable for his demeanor. "I've been waiting to see you!"

Skirth looked at you briefly, a distressed expression flashing across her face. "A-Ah, yes I forgot to inform you. Mr. Drake will be overseeing your testing from now on." She turned away from you to stare at him. "He's very invested in your progress." He smiled.

The exchange hadn't registered with you until you heard Venom's baritone voice clear the silence. For you, at least.

Weird

That managed to crack the slightest of smiles on your face. Yeah, weird, you thought.

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be? This is a massive breakthrough for us and I'd love to see it through the end." He moved to a chair that sat in front of a large monitor. "But please, continue. I'm not here." he said with almost a joking lilt in his voice. You weren't sure if the annoyance you felt came from you or Venom, but you weren't entirely opposed to either. Skirth cleared her throat.

"Shall we get started?" she asked. You shrugged.

"Ready when you are."

I'm not

Your jaw tightened.

"Alright, now I don't want you to overexert yourself so for the time being I think we'll just stick to something simple. Sound g-"

Drake's voice cut through the room. "Dr. Skirth? Don't mind my input but I believe our mission statement says otherwise, correct? Pushing limits?"

She could only stand there in stunned silence. "Wh..I was-"

"And I believe that is exactly how we should be carrying out these tests."

Dr. Skirth gulped, looking over at you with a sorry expression.

You're just gonna take this?

"Well, I can't really do anything right now, can I?" you whispered, trying desperately not to draw any more attention to yourself than you should.

Skirth pushed her glasses farther up her nose with her knuckle. "Alright, um..Okay we'll just proceed with a simple neural test. That shouldn't be too hard on you."

Soon enough she sat you down, beginning to place small nodes with long wires along the sides of your head and your forehead. Calmly walking over to one of the monitors that Drake wasn't hovering over, you heard the clicking of a keyboard and the soft sound of whatever program she was using start up. Suddenly there was a ringing in your ears. Not loud enough to bother you, but enough to make your eye involuntarily twitch. Venom rumbled.

"Tell me if it gets too much, okay?"

You nodded. Drake watched intently, getting up from his seat and crossing his arms as he walked closer to Skirth. She held one of the devices on the table in her hand, this one small and rectangular, a finger gingerly hovering above a dial that sat among various other smaller buttons. She rotated it just slightly enough that you barely noticed it even moved. And with it, the ringing in your ears got louder.

What are they doing? Venom asked, a confused and almost angry tone in its voice.

Your hands clenched into fists. Skirth's eyes flickered from yours to Drake's. With a nod he urged her forward. Reluctantly, she turned the dial just slightly more.

The ringing was already near deafening, and you could feel Venom's anxiety growing by the second. It unnerved you - how clearly you could find the distinction between your emotions and Venom's in that moment. You rolled your neck, a weak attempt to relieve the pain from the shrill noise.

"I..I-I think we should-" before she could finish her thought, Drake abruptly snatched the remote from her shaking hands. There was a small moment of alarm on her face before she reigned her emotions in.

"Doctor, if I'm not mistaken the purpose of these examinations is to find this organism's breaking point and I don't think we'll get anywhere being so soft."

In one second, you felt terrified. In the other, you felt searing pain.

Your body twisted in its seat - almost keeling over - as your nails dug into its arms, scratching the plastic. Every muscle in your body was tense, as though a jolt of electricity was being sent through your nerves. Your mouth was wrought open by the scream that forced itself out. In the back of your mind, Venom roared a terrible, agonizing roar. You couldn't hear much of anything for that second - or however long it was - only vaguely recognizing what sounded like a scuffle happening behind you.

Then there was silence.

You were shaking, violent shudders moving your body as you heaved in air like you just learned to breathe. You felt numb, and you could swear your eardrums were obliterated by the ringing they subjected you to. Venom was silent. You waded between unconsciousness and consciousness, eyes barely staying open only to see the subdued bickering between Skirth and Drake.

"I thought you wanted to make progress, this is our first successful bond and you almost -"

"Are you questioning my methods? Dora?"

".....You could've killed them."

Against your own will, your exhaustion won.

You woke up curled in a fetal position in your cell.

Startled, you bunched yourself up against the wall, slowly trying to steady your breathing. You were beyond sore, more so than the time you woke up after your bonding. You rubbed your face, groaning in discomfort.

"Are you alright?"

.......Me?

"Yeah, you. You didn't," you cleared your scratchy throat. "You didn't sound so good back there."

I am fine

"That's..good."

You leaned your head against the wall behind you, screwing your eyes shut. This place quickly was climbing your list of shit situations, and you weren't too pleased with it. You weren't pleased with yourself, if you had to be honest. It was getting to the point where you might not have minded being back with -

Who is he?

"Christ, Venom, what'd I say about warnings?!"

That doesn't answer my question.

You pinched the bridge of your nose. "He's not any of your business."

Your business is my business. That's sort of how this works

"Yeah, well, it'll be a while before you unlock that little story, buddy."

For a while you sat there, staring at nothing in particular. Trying to ignore the pounding in your temples and the ache in your stomach. Something nagged at the back of your mind, however. Something you had thought briefly about before but not long enough to actually acknowledge it. You couldn't ignore it any longer.

"Hey, Venom." They didn't respond, but you felt their anticipation waiting to hear what you had to say.

"I.." Thinking your statement over in your head, it sounded so juvenile. "I wanna get us out of here."

Us? I was under the assumption you didn't like the concept of 'us'

You scoffed. "There isn't. Not really keen on staying your ride for the rest of my life. No hard feelings."

...I see. If that is what you wish

There was something forming in the pit of your stomach. Pity? Guilt? No, you never felt guilty. Not if you had anything to say about it.

There was a moment of silence in both of your minds before you felt Venom bubble up once again.

You are scared

Your face felt warm. "W-Well, yeah but - I?" you sighed. You hoped Venom wouldn't ask for the details and just trust you at face value. "I've been in this situation before. I've gotten out of this situation before. If you help me, I think I can do it again."

Venom paused. Silently mulling over your offer. He rumbled.

Wow. You aren't lying

"Of course I'm not why would - wait wh - okay never mind. Just..do you trust me?"

.....Yes. I will help you

You let out a breath. "Thank you, seriously, as soon as we get out of here you can find your new host and I can..figure something out."

Wait. There is something I have to do first

Of course. It's not like you had much to lose anyway. "Oh..kay?"

The other Klyntar. My friends. If I escape, we all do. That is my deal

"Kl - Klin-tar?"

My species. Do we have a deal?

"Well, yeah. Yeah, it's a deal."

A deep, gravely laugh reverberated throughout your body.

This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship

You wheezed a soft chuckle, a small, lopsided smile cracking along your face. "Hey, don't get too ahead of yourself."

#venom x reader #venom #venom fanfic #venom symbiote #marvel fanfic #venom fanfiction #dyadfic #takenbytheweeds #takenbytheweeds fics

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grownups-are-the-real-monsters · 5 years

Text

Heartache Tonight - The Kids Are Alright

Summary: “Somebody's gonna hurt someone before the night is through...”

Another one shot in the ‘Kids Are Alright’ Series

Words: 2,144

{Derry, Maine. June 28th, 1976. 12:47 P.M. Beverly’s room}

“Just squint your eyes and focus between your fingers…”

Beverly did as she was instructed, she focused on the white wall of space between her fingers on her outstretched hand. The world became fuzzy and blurred but outlining her hand was a thin line of color. She blinked, eyes back to normal as she hunched her shoulders to laugh. Her red ponytail falling loosely onto her shoulder. “Purple. My aura is purple.” She grinned.

Stan grinned at her from his seat on her bean bag chair. Richie held out his own hand and shrugged. “Mine’s still red.” He frowned with a look of suspicion. However Beverly grinned, reaching out to shake his thigh.

“What does purple mean?” She asked, eager to hear the answer. Richie shrugged, pushing up his glasses.

“Dunno.” He smiled and Beverly scoffed.

“You mean to tell me that I did that for nothing?” She rolled her eyes and Stan crossed his legs to bring them up on the bean bag chair. The blob of green melded to his body shape and allowed perfect comfort. He wiggled a little in the new spot and tilted his head.

There was an unspoken sort of tension in the room they were all separately aware of. Beverly frowned deeply and played with a loose thread on her jeans. “You wanna know about the date I had the other day, huh?” her voice, accusatory, carried loudly throughout the room. “I assume Richie blabbed to you, Stan?”

The man in question shrunk back and picked at the rubber of his shoes. “Oh I dunno. I knew something was up without him having to tell me, I’m intuitive like that, y’know? I like to think I’m psychic too-”

“Shut-up, Stanley.” Beverly laughed lightly to let him know not to take offense. But she had to stop his rambling before it went on forever like they all knew it would. “I wanna let you know right off the bat that it sucked. I sucked. And I would not like to discuss it further, ok? I’m gonna go make some popcorn and we’re gonna move on from there.”

Beverly, uncharacteristically, shut them down completely and rushed out of her own room. When the door lightly tapped the doorway behind her, Richie and Stan shared the same guilty look. They let themselves sit in silence until they could her the girl moving around downstairs. Instead of breaking it with words, Richie came over and sat near Stan’s feet and tapped lightly on his leg like a child.

“Hmm?” Stan raised his brow though he knew this little routine. He gave the guy a kind smile and shrugged. “I’m sure she isn’t all that mad about you telling me, Rich. Don’t let that bother you.”

He advised his friend knowing full well Richie could not handle his friends being mad at him very well. Terribly, actually. He sure did hope this wouldn’t be one of the worst. He scooted off the bean bag and sat in front of his best friend with a smile. “Want me to read your palm?”

“Yes please!” Richie happily held out his hand with a giddy look on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is everyone having s-s-sex but me?” Bill asked abruptly, cutting the silence that had been going on for the past twenty minutes. He laid in the back of the Vista Cruiser that was parked in front of his house while Eddie shuffled through the radio for a good station.

The question sent Eddie into fits of laughter for what seemed like five whole minutes. Bill rolled his eyes and sat up to face the back of his head. “Why are you laughing?”

Eddie wiped at his eyes and turned back to face him, elbow resting on the next seat. “Partly because of how dumb that question is and partly because it’s funnier when you stutter it.”

Bill lightly chuckled and punched the kid in the arm, who recoiled and rubbed the hurt area. “I’m serious, Eddie.”

The other boy sighed and decided to take his best friend seriously. “First of all, really think about that question, huh?”

Bill looked at him blankly in thought before shrugging, deciding it to be a valid question for some reason.

“Sure, Stan’s got a girlfriend but there’s no way that’s happened for them yet.” Eddie began his long answer that he hadn’t been prepared to have to explain. “Mike and Beverly barely talk to anyone besides us and last I checked neither of them have had sex with any of us.” He paused at his own little joke and chuckled. Bill did not seem even lightly amused with that comment.

"And do you remember who Ben and I are? We haven’t gotten anywhere with anyone which sucks but we’re pretty awkward Bill.” He laughed.

“What about Richie?” Bill asked. Eddie frowned.

“What about him?” He sneered and Bill put a pin in that to make sure to bring it up the attitude he’d answered with again. “He’s not had sex yet or he’d be bragging up and down the street. Don’t you know him?”

Bill realized how silly he’d been to ask but he was still annoyed.

“S’not that big of a deal anyway.” Eddie spoke as he turned back and pulled his aspirator from the glove-box for safe keeping. “Sex is just sex. It’ll happen when it happens.” He put the car in drive and moved to pull out of the driveway.

“Spoken like a true v-v-virgin, Eddie.” Bill joked and Eddie even had to laugh at that. Truthfully, none of them cared all that much about ‘doing it’ except maybe Richie. But even that was just some jokes here and there. But insecurity had risen in Bill ever since Disco night when Beverly rejected him. He had briefly wondered if he’d ruined their friendship. He’d also wondered if he just...’didn’t have any game’ in him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Mike, Bill, Stan, Eddie & Richie sat in Stan’s basement. The room is lacking smoke.}

“I hate to be a party pooper, though it is what I’m best at, but the smoke really is bad for my asthma.” Eddie paced behind the couch in Stan’s basement with a slight grin on his face.

“Hey, I could fight you on that, I think I’m a champion at that too.” Stan cocked his head, resting it on the back of his couch as Eddie stood above him. He wagged his finger like a much older gentleman and Eddie giggled.

“I’d be careful if I were you. Eddie’s real scrappy. Once, we were play f-f-f-fighting over the remote and he nearly kicked me in the eye.” Bill laughed and Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Please. Don’t exaggerate.”

Richie perked up and smirked. “Eddie, one time you punched me so hard I fell on the floor and had a bruise for like....ever.” Richie did not look too mad about it. He actually found it rather funny and possibly adorable.

“It’s not like it came from nowhere. You were sitting on me.”

Richie blushed slightly at the memory. Boy, had he regretted that move many times when they play-fought. But he always went for it without even thinking about it. He was actually glad Eddie had knocked him off that day.

Mike hummed and looked through Stan’s record collection for some background tunes. “Violence does seem to be the way with you guys.” He pretended to scold them, although he truly didn’t quite enjoy violence himself.

Stan allowed Eddie to playfully flick at his forehead and grinned. They were all silent for a few minutes before Mike finally decided on a record. More specifically, ‘Led Zeppelin IV’.

Everyone rolled their shoulders back with the same pleasure as the first song kicked in. A natural reaction, of course.

They were quiet again, absorbing that special sound.

“You know what would make this better?” Richie asked.

“Hmmm?” Mike replied.

“Weed.”

Mike slapped his shoulder while Eddie playfully gave him the finger. Richie smirked at him. Things had been awkward for them ever since Disco night. Neither of them willing to bring up what happened ever since. Suddenly Richie found himself wishing Ben were there because at least he’d understand his sudden mood drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Derry, Maine. 4:50 P.M.}

Beverly sat on the curb in front of the local pharmacy, smoking a cigarette and hoping her dull headache would not get any worse. The day was dragging on and she felt a little guilty for blowing Stan and Richie off earlier but she also wished she’d done it sooner.

“Loitering is a crime, young lady.” A distant voice made her jump but as she turned her head, it was just Ben putting on her on as he nervously approached.

“Sorry I thought that’d be funny but ummm- I don’t know why I did that, sorry.” Ben tried to mumble through an apology and she had to reluctantly smile at that.

“It was funny, Ben.” She rolled her lips together and gestured for him to sit next to her. “Listen, I’m glad you’re here actually.”

The comment itself made Ben want to smile but her tone and expression made him want to crumble right there in front of the store. She bent one of her knees and sat in a way to face him entirely. The golden sun dusted upon her freckled shoulders and warmed her hair. He could tell she was about to speak but he beat her to it.

“You know about my feelings, huh?” He guessed because he was just too curious and worried to wait. The girl blinked, lashes kissing her face, and licked her lips in thought.

“I know.” She nodded and Ben felt like he could throw-up in the sewer grate just to their side. They looked at each other for a few painful seconds.

“So if I was to ask you-...” Ben couldn’t even finish. I’d be pitiful if he even tried so he let it hang in the air. By the way Beverly put her hand to her lips and turned to look away, he knew it was bad. “Yeah...that’s-that’s fine.” Ben scratched the back of his head and tried to shrug it off.

“Look Ben, I’m not saying no forever.” She turned back with renewed energy that he wondered how she’d managed to pull. “But for now...”

“It’d be a no?” Ben asked. She nodded and he found himself wondering if it had anything to do with Bill. He would have asked but he was not that insensitive. It wasn’t any of his business.

“Please... don’t hate me.” Beverly reached out to pat his knee with genuine fear before pulling away like she was burned.

“Hate you?” Ben found the room to laugh. Beverly raised a frightened brow. “Never, Bev. Never in my life could I hate you. You’re one of my best friends.” He nodded and she felt fine again. Happy, even.

They surrendered the conversation and picked up a new one. Though, both felt a little restrained. How long would that last...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Stan’s Basement. 5:00 P.M.}

Mike, Bill, Richie, Eddie and Stan had gotten side-tracked by a Gilligan’s Island marathon on TV like almost every-time they hung out. As another plan to get off the island failed, Richie took a small chance and put his arm around Eddie but rested it on the back of the couch casually.

Mike and Bill didn’t notice but Stan put all his attention on the two of them as if they were just as entertaining. He could tell Eddie had obviously noticed by the way he blinked and swallowed. He seemed to allow it before abruptly announcing he wanted a pop and stood to leave.

Poor Richie looked as if he was punched in the gut as he lowered his hand back into his lap. Stan bit into his cheek and made to follow his short friend.

He met him at the shockingly white fridge with a look of sympathy. He leaned his chin on the open fridge door and sighed. “Judging by the way you sprang out of there, you two haven’t talked about anything, huh?”

Eddie jumped. Stan always loved his habit of entering a room mysteriously. It was truly a gift....a really fun gift too. Eddie slammed the fridge and shrugged.

“We have not said a word about anything.” He paused and leaned back on the kitchen counter. “I just...I don’t want things to be weird.”

Stan thought about the way Richie had looked like a kicked puppy earlier and shuddered. “I don’t know if you can avoid that, Eddie.”

“I can try.” Eddie gave him a sarcastic and upset grin before completely brushing him off to head back for the basement.

Stan shook his head. Life was going to get real complicated real fast.

#the kids are alright #the losers club #it's been a hot minute #stephen king #Stephen kings IT #IT by stephen king #reddie #benverly #source: that 70s show #that 70s show #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #stan uris #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #mike hanlon #bill denbrough #my fanfiction

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