#but legitimately 2 minutes after that stupid burrito. we went from a 7/10 on the headache scale to a FOUR | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shmittywerbenjagermanjenson · 5 years

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Lol ok

So in honor of both Valentine’s Day and me finding out that the Actual Nazi I went on a date with a while ago was sentenced to 9 more years in prison, here’s a compilation of the complete dumpster fire that is my dating life. None of these are really long enough to make full stories, but are all gems that help summarize why my love life plan for the past 6 months has been to “die alone on a roof top wearing black surrounded by crows.”

If you think one of these points is about you, never underestimate the stupidity of men. But also it’s probably about you.

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-A guy who invited me over to hang out and when I got there said, “We can only hang for a little bit, my sister’s coming over soon”

-An ex who wouldn’t let me come over to his house for the longest time. When I finally did, I learned that it was because essentially the entire house was being renovated and nothing worked. Only the left half of the fridge worked. Everything in the bathroom looked like it was stained with blood/rust/bodily fluids. There were multiple large holes in the floor so you could see straight through to the basement.

-I cleaned an ex’s room and it took four days. I found multiple bras and panties of varying sizes, a pair of leggings, and a woman’s jacket. In the process, the ex held up a thong and said, “Oh, you left this here,” to which I replied, “Uh... that is........ Not Mine”

-A guy who, while eating froyo with my best friend and I, said that he didn’t drink or do drugs, but did do cocaine “on the weekends”

-Same guy thought the wage gap was made up by the liberals

-A guy I had to bring to work with me once because I forgot I had work (I was a dorm receptionist with rotating shifts) until my coworker called and asked where I was and he didn’t have a car

-A guy who told me he was schizophrenic after knowing him for two days. He also kept calling me at 8 am to see if I wanted to get breakfast. I am never awake at 8 am. Good news is he left his belt at my house, so now I have a belt to wear at work

-A very white guy who texted me a picture of him at the gym saying he was going “greek god mode” that called me “lioness.” When I stopped texting him back he said, “Ok, ain’t nuthin but a G thang then.”

-He also told me Africa (the song) brought him down because he thought about how he wanted to sing it with me at karaoke

-A guy I’ve never met that just keeps sending me snapchats of him sighing in the early hours of the morning

-A guy who texted me at 2 am to come to Denny’s. when I texted him and said, “I’m not driving 20 minutes to go to Denny’s at 2 am” he replied, “Uber”

-A guy who had a fish tank filled with eels i think?

-A guy I invited over specifically because my roommate wanted me to. He [roommate] ran around cleaning the place, giving me wine, and spraying perfumes on me in preparation while I sat on the couch watching and enjoying the spectacle.

-The guy was on our rival school’s tennis team and got three hours of sleep the night before his match. You’re welcome, FSU tennis team.

-Made out with a cruise ship comedian once on the ship’s deck. It was fine, I just thought that was a funny sentence.

-A guy who’s last name was “Cumming.”

-A guy who followed me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, bought one of my paintings, and sent me flowers all after our FIRST DATE

-The guy got mad when I wasn’t interested in him and texted me an angry review of our date ranking me a “7/10″ but the points he sent actually added up to a 9/10

-An ex who took me on a “nice birthday dinner” to a “small, family-owned restaurant” called Bucca di Beppo

-An ex who ate almost exclusively ramen and spaghettio’s

-An ex who’s Pub Sub order was essentially chicken tenders, a ton of cheese, and multiple different types of mayo

-A guy I legitimately dated for three months who was genuinely surprised that I wanted to be in a relationship with him at the end of the three months

-On a double date at a buffet with my best friend and her boyfriend, the friend’s boyfriend at the time said he was both “impressed and disgusted” by the amount of food me and my guy friend ate. He said it was better than TV and kept encouraging us to eat more.

-One of my old teacher’s assistants matched with me on tinder and then asked me to help him fix his profile so other girls would like him (it worked, I’m great at fixing guy’s dating profiles)

-A guy who’d spent all night flirting with me at a frat party and then slammed his head into a ceiling fan on high while recreating the parkour scene from The Office

I then had to spend the rest of the night holding a frozen bag of peas to his head

-A guy who I danced with at a party once and was afterward quoted saying, “I realized what a huge mistake I’d made when they turned on the lights”

-A guy who invited me over for brunch… and then made me cook him brunch. He then realized his bike had been stolen.

-This has actually happened a bunch of times. The guys inviting me over for brunch and then making me cook thing, not the stolen bike thing

-A guy who insisted on doing all of his grocery shopping at Whole Foods and then complained about finances

-Multiple times I’ve taken screen shots of conversations with guys and then accidentally sent them back to the guy instead of the friend I meant to send them too

-A guy who had a built in nook in his bedroom, but instead of having books (or normal things) on the shelf it was just… peanut butter. Like literally seven jars of peanut butter. And a few boxes of pasta.

-A guy I dated specifically because I liked his dog

-I told one of my ex’s that they were the best thing that had ever happened to me and a few months later he got drunk and told me that it was “the most awkward moment of his life”

-A guy who asked me what it would take for me to go on a date with him and i replied, “40 pineapples”

-I cooked dinner for a guy once and his roommate came in, ate a bunch without asking, and then complained because it was spicy and he didn’t like spicy food (????)

-The same guy thought I didn’t catch on to the fact that he was talking to his “friend” from college while also dating me. He started dating her instead of me but she dumped him and now we’re friends

-My prom date, who made plans to go with me as friends and then later in the day had a girl ask him to be her date VERY publicly so he had to say yes. At the actual prom, she showed up like two hours late and then ditched him so he ended up coming up to me and said “well… looks like you’re my date again”

-A guy who showed up at the karaoke bar I was at and BELTED out Stacy’s Mom and then came over and introduced himself as my date

-An adult who had an enormous collection of Pokemon cards who still competes in Pokemon tournaments

-An ex told me once about the famous shot at his local bar (that he had frequently) that was called “parrot shit” that was just TEQUILA AND MAYONNAISE

-A guy who wasn’t taking hints that I wasn’t in to him. Our date ended and I went to hang out with friends… and he followed. He told me he was super happy that I was so eager to “introduce him to my friends.” My friends asked me how the date was and I said, “Oh it was really boring, he just won’t leave.”

-A guy who I ran in to after we stopped dating. He’d started wearing earrings so I asked if he’d always had his ears pierced. He said, “Why, do they look bad??” and didn’t pick up that my “……………………no” was actually a yes.

-A guy who was lying in bed next to me, who when asked (by me) if he wears his glasses while he sleeps replied, “No, but I do fuck in them”

-A guy who travels around and gives speeches on the negative effects of watching porn

-One time I tweeted my conversation with a guy because it was funny but I forgot that he followed me on twitter

-That whole-ass nazi story

-A friend who’s not single who went on an angry rant that I wouldn’t hypothetically date him because he’s “too short”

-Multiple guys that I haven’t really been interested in but my friends have made me keep around so they can be on our bingo team

-An ex took me to Qdoba on Valentine’s Day because they have a BOGO burrito deal if you kiss someone at the register. He ate both burritos by himself while I watched, and this is still the nicest thing a guy’s done for me on Valentine’s Day

-It is also the only thing a guy’s done for me on Valentine’s Day

-An ex who got in a legitimate argument with me because he wanted to keep his cardboard cutout of the Dos Equis man in our LIVING ROOM and didn’t understand why I was mad

-A guy who lived kind of far away who offered to meet somewhere halfway to pick me up. His suggested meeting place was called something like “Big Daddy Liquor”

-A guy who hit on me in a Walmart once and then awkwardly left when my best friend came over and he thought I was dating her

-Multiple shorter men hitting on me by telling me they want to “climb [me] like a tree”

-Once dated a VERY christian guy who got a nosebleed during our first kiss (because he was so nervous about sinning)

-When one of my ex’s moved in with me, I discovered that he didn’t “trust the banks” and kept his money in a similar manner to Mr. Krabs (AKA cash hidden in his bedroom). We didn’t last long after that.

-Same guy’s big money making idea was to have a food truck named KFC. He never understood (despite my multiple attempts) why that wasn’t a viable career option

-A guy who expressed extreme interest in me and said he’d travel to see me, to which I replied: “Neat”

-An ex who was nicknamed “The Janitor” because he wore his keys on a carabiner on his belt. The belt was usually holding up khaki pants with a button down shirt tucked in. His other nickname was “McDonalds Manager” because if he put on a headset it’s what he looked like

-An ex who’s FAVORITE RESTAURANT WAS GOLDEN CORRAL

-A guy who told me that I was significantly more intelligent and funny than he anticipated (thanks??)

-A guy I went on a date with like two years ago. The date was totally normal but I left my sweater in his car. I matched with him again recently on a dating app and asked him if he still had my sweater. He said, “Is this the only reason you matched with me?”

-I didn’t get my sweater back

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