#ive been experimenting lately and this is the result
Photo
stares at you stares at you stares at you stares
#dovewing#my art#i love drawing in ms paint#its so relaxing to me#shes based on#the pink necked green pigeon#tw eye contact#scocophobia tw#ive been experimenting lately and this is the result#im pretty proud of this#warrior cats
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are there any portrait artists who can give me some advice?
lately i have been wondering about how i see people getting the features in the right place from the start. maybe its just experience? ive only been doing these realism style portraits for 1 year, before then i was afraid to draw people in case i was too bad. (im an environment artist)
i wonder if this is something i can learn to do? as you can see i rely heavily on the lasso tool and moving features around while i work, and the resemblance comes later
i have tried loomis method btw and i didnt get along great with it. i dont think im a guides/planning kind of person if u know what i mean i like to go where the wind takes me
also i dont think its that great in pixels just cos the resolution means you have to make decisions in the grid
i dont know if its a problem that i work the way that i do anyway. if the result is the same. im just wondering if its possible for me to learn that way of working and it would be nice when im doing traditional stuff too. im kinda stuck if im not able to lasso tool an eye a bit lower down.
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Nexus IV.
Yandere Blade x F Reader.
Warnings: Explicit not SFW, alcohol consumption, Space Politics, possessive behavior, yandere themes and unhealthy relationships.
Word count: 15.4k.
Nexus index.
Time plucked away at the few petals still clinging to Kafka’s roses.
The insipid end brought an inexplicable sense of relief. An irrational foreboding cast suspicion upon the bouquet; you considered it an ill-omen. You observed it religiously as one would an upside-down hourglass. Waiting, anticipating, dreading. When the last petal fell, you breathed a sigh of relief. It was late by then, so you decided to throw the remains away in the morning.
Presently, you examine the vase.
The once wilted stems stand tall, pridefully lifting its crowning gem on a green pedestal. Ruby-colored petals burst forth, wickedly beautiful and fragrant.
Is this a practical joke? Some little parlor trick intended to unnerve you?
The latest developments in holograms include olfactory stimulation. Consider this, you decide to test its authenticity. You reach out, expecting your hands to glide through an incorporeal image.
Your fingers meet resistance.
You try again just to be certain — the results are the same.
You’re more determined to get rid of it now than ever.
You pick up the most vain rose by its stem. It delays its demise by pricking you, earning a temporary pardon along the white veneer of your vanity.
Blood pools into a crimson dome on your finger. You watch it, mesmerized, taken aback by memories that emerge alongside it.
The voice of a haughty girl echoes throughout your being.
“What’s wrong? It’s just a bit of blood. We all have it inside us, don’t we?”
The LOTUS-EATER has always been your home.
So long as it wasn’t open for business, you were free to run amuck. Of course, you refused to run amuck — how unladylike is that — but you did enjoy roaming. There were a lot of interesting things to look at. Anything was better than spending hours in front of that dumb blue screen with its stupid made-up people with stupid made-up problems. You didn’t get it. Everyone always said you’d grow up to be a super amazing Arbiter. You’d get tons of clients, make them all happy, get mountains of credits, buy the IPC, and then fire their staff.
Miss Calliope, your teacher when mother was busy, said it took most twenty years to get to where you’ve gotten in one. This reinforced an argument you’d practiced for many cycles. You thought for sure you could convince mother.
It didn’t work out that way.
Mother said you had to keep studying before you could make a link with an organic being. You really wanted to argue, but you chose to act like an adult and be angry in silence instead. She tried to win you over and offered a ride on the nectar guides. This bribe almost swayed you from your mission. To ensure she knew how serious you were, you said you’d pass, calmly enough for her to know you weren’t actually calm.
She went off somewhere to discuss boring things with boring people. You seized this opportunity to further refine your strategy and paced The Lounge’s hallways. Maybe if you broke the blue screen, mother would have no choice but to let you learn through experience. This idea greatly enthused you, until you remembered they could just get another blue screen. For this mission to succeed, you needed to cause the ‘collapse of supply chains.’ This was adult for ‘we can’t get the stuff we want’ from what you could surmise. The problem was, you didn’t know where these important chains were located. There’s Thelx, the good place, Ade, the weird place, Mele, the boring place, and Arc, the scary place.
You stood and contemplated. If you had to hide something important, you’d put it in the scariest spot. Arc it is then.
A mission of this magnitude would be unlike anything you pulled before. You’d need a… what was that term again…? Accompanied lice…?
Accomplice!
That’d be the crux of the whole thing. It couldn’t be any of the adults either, they’re all snitches. You required someone who would do your bidding. You closed your eyes and concentrated. There were three people around. Two on the first floor, one on the second. You sought out the latter.
A little boy with long blonde hair and dull blue eyes sat by himself in the break room. He hadn’t noticed you yet, he just stared off into space and halfheartedly kicked his legs. The workers sometimes brought their kids along and stuffed them in here, where there were snacks and games. He didn’t seem interested in either.
What resolve, you thought. What fortitude!
You walked in front of him, pointed, and loudly demanded, “What’s your name?”
“M-Miss Phaeales?” He squeaked.
“No, that’s my name,” you sighed. Maybe your intuition was off. “What’s your name?”
He hung his head and frowned.
“Oh, um… I’m Vincent.”
You squinted. “Huh? That can’t be right. Vincent’s the bartender. You can’t do that.”
“He’s my dad. We have the same name.”
You felt a strange feeling from tinier Vincent; the kind of strange feeling that made your stomach and head hurt. Mother said you’d be able to block it out as you grew up. You hoped you’d grow up soon.
“Well, that’s dumb. I don’t like that name,” you decided. He remained silent. “Pick a new one.”
“I don’t think I can…?”
“You can because I said you can. Pick a new one, or I’ll pick one for you.”
He stared at you like you had three heads. You did the scary thing mother does when angry — you counted down from three to one in a mean voice. Not-tinier-Vincent just sat there and looked confused. You scrunched your face up when your mean counting finished. You didn’t get it, that always worked on you. He must be immune to pressure… a quality your mission required.
Maybe he had his merits after all.
“Alright, I’ll pick one. From now on, you’re… hm… Lear.”
You placed your hands on your hips and nodded. This is a great name, you thought. It rhymes with so many things.
Lear tilted his head. “Uh… alright?”
“Great. Onto the next business order — how old are you?”
He put up five fingers.
What luck you have!
You grinned. “I’m seven, so according to the law, you have to listen to me.”
“The law?” He questioned.
“Yeah, the law. It’s what you have to do or you get in trouble.”
Lear processed this new information and nodded. “Okay. I don’t wanna get in trouble.”
“From now on, you’ll be my ac—”
You covered your mouth with your hands. Wait a moment, you can’t tell him he’s an accomplice! He might not help you then. That was a close one. You considered alternative titles, but none of them sounded as cool as accomplice. What a shame, but it can’t be helped. Missions required sacrifice.
“From now on, Lear, you’ll be my best friend.”
…
A few cycles later, you convened on the balcony outside of mother’s office.
You liked the balcony. No one made you use the blue screen there. Sometimes, when you weren’t monitored, you’d grab a chair, pull it to the railing, hop up, and stare. This is Eris, you’d think. A cold planet far away from the stars. Stars are big fireballs that make everything nice and warm. I don’t think I’ll ever get to see one. It’d be cool if I could.
You displayed a vital object for the mission.
“Lear, do you know what this is?”
Lear stood still with his hands in his pockets. “A circle?”
“No. Well, okay, yeah, it’s a circle, but this is called a hair tie. You use it to tie your hair.”
“That’s cool.”
You held it out to him. “For this mission, full visibility is required. I’d cut your hair, but mother hid the scissors from me.”
His tiny hand grabbed it. Lear regarded your gift blankly and glanced back at you, his eyebrows furrowed. Did he not know what to do with it?
You sighed because that’s what mother did in these situations. You started to get why. You took the gift back, tied your hair up, then returned it. He managed to do it on the fourth try. Relieved that the trial was over, you clapped and smiled. Your effort has been rewarded.
“Good job, Lear.”
Lear’s head rose at that. “What?”
“I said good job. When someone gets something right, that’s what you say.”
“... It is?” He murmured. You nodded. You didn’t think you needed to teach him the basics, but an accomplice must be capable. Miss Calliope said that extra effort was always worth it. She changed her mind after you grabbed a stool to mix the adult drinks. You’d like to think she still meant it.
“Since that’s finished, we can get to the main event.”
You pulled out a paperclip from a pocket inside your dress. The object was subjected to your immense strength, manipulated, and reforged. It went from a boring shape to a useful shape. You took a deep breath, brought the paperclip’s edge to your pointer finger, then stabbed down. Lear released a choked sound when blood surfaced.
You cleaned the paperclip’s edge with your dress’ hem and handed it to him. This would go on to determine the rest of your life, you decided. It needed to be done well.
“I read that doing this makes your promises stronger. Since we’re gonna make an important promise, it has to be extra strong,” you explained. The color drained from Lear’s face. “What’s wrong? It’s just a bit of blood. We all have it inside us, right?”
Lear refused to take the paperclip. “A promise? Miss Phaeales, I don’t know if I can.”
“You don’t have to press hard. It barely stings, anyway.”
“B-But...”
You pursed your lips. “Lear, we have to, or the promise will be weak.”
Lear shook his head and took a step back. There were lots of weird feelings that came from him. They confused you, you couldn’t think of a word to describe them. It didn’t hurt, but it felt heavy on your chest. What did you do wrong? Were paper clips that scary? No, it had to be something else. Mother said you can’t focus on another person too hard because it’s unfair. If they don’t tell you it themselves, you shouldn’t know it.
“Lear…?”
He stood on his tiptoes and reached for the number pad. You revealed the top-secret passcode to him, since the balcony was to be your top-secret hideout. Every top-secret hideout had to have a top-secret password. The detective books you read said so.
“I can’t, I’m sorry,” Lear apologized. His voice sounded tiny. “I’m really sorry.”
You didn’t know what to say to stop him or if you should try.
Was this what people meant when they called you pushy? You wanted to complete the mission, but you also didn’t want Lear to be sad.
The door opened and quietly closed.
With that, the first friend you ever made was gone.
…
The next time you were allowed on the balcony, you were curled up in a ball.
You hugged your knees to your chest and sniffled. Mom was mad at you. Miss Calliope was mad at you. Mister Caicias had scolded you. The other Arbiters were less nice too. You don’t think they ever liked you, but at least they pretended they did. It’s okay to hate you for now so they stopped pretending.
You could hear their thoughts. You didn’t want to, but you could anyway.
What a spoiled child.
If anyone else had done what she did, they’d never be allowed in this line of work.
I hope the Exalted Arbiter lives a long life, if this is to be her successor.
Your throat was sore, your eyes burned, and your chest hurt. You didn’t know you were spoiled. You never thought you were better than anyone. You hadn’t realized your attitude was awful. You just wanted to be confident like mom. That way, no one would be worried about the future. Everyone on Eris relied on mom. Everyone on Eris will have to rely on you eventually.
You looked at the black sky, the only sky you’d ever known. It always felt sad. The gray clouds were like little discolored tears.
You wondered if Noct ever felt bad that they made a planet where everyone was unhappy.
Someone’s coming, you realized. Is it moma?
It isn’t.
It’s the little boy with blue eyes and long, blonde hair. This time, it’s pulled back into a ponytail. You hadn’t changed the top-secret password, he must’ve used it to gain entry.
You hurriedly rubbed your tears away, and he looked elsewhere until you gave up on your task. Afterward, he sat down beside you. He hugged his knees to his chest as well.
“Are you okay?” He murmured.
You nodded and sunk your head into your knees.
“... Those kids are mean, anyway,” he reassured. “I dunno what they said, but it’s not true.”
“It is too. The adults think it but they don’t say it,” you whispered.
You know it’s true. Your mission to Arc almost caused what Miss Calliope called ‘a scandal.’
You snuck out of the LOTUS-EATER by yourself.
It wasn’t as difficult as you expected. You just borrowed a staff member’s lanyard, pressed it against the door, and it opened. You stuck to the shadows and navigated your way south. You could tell when an adult was close if you heard their thoughts. The thoughts were rarely happy. You pushed on until you encountered an alley, where some older kids were gathered.
You froze; you hadn’t accounted for kids. Their thoughts weren’t as loud and terrible. You didn’t hear them.
This bunch, though… they had a kid’s build and the expression of an adult. You counted four in total. One was tall, another was scrawny, the tiniest covered in dirt, and the last kid wore a tattered shirt that reached their knees.
The tall kid spat on the ground.
“This is our spot,” he said. “Get lost.”
You fidgeted.
“Hello, um… could I just pass over that fence? I’ll be quick,” you reasoned.
“Are you deaf or something? I said, get lost.”
The scrawniest kid squinted at you. “Hey, wait a sec, J. I feel like I’ve seen her before.”
“Really? When?” The tiny one squeaked.
“Y’know, during those big events for when Arc folk move over.”
“Huh, now that you mention it…” the tall boy trailed off, “You’re [First] Phaeales, right?”
He said your name like it was a disease. It made your heart hurt.
“Can you read my mind? What am I thinkin’ about, huh?” The scrawny kid called out.
“Hey, be careful. I heard those things can make your head explode with a single look,” the kid in a long shirt whispered.
The tall boy guffawed and stepped forward. “Really? Is that true?”
You took a step back.
“What? You gonna run away? Can’t stand to see people like us, huh?” He remarked. “Must be nice, getting everything you ever need handed to you. Yeah. Real fuckin’ nice.”
“I don’t—” your voice gave out. You ignored how they snickered and pressed on to finish your important sentence. “I don’t think that about you! When I grow up, I wanna help—”
The tall boy stormed over and lifted you by your dress’ collar. “Help? Help? You can’t do shit. You people never do anything! You promise and promise and never come through!”
You didn’t understand, there was too much to process. Anger and sadness mixed to become a storm that you were caught in the middle of. You closed your eyes and hoped the pain would go away. Maybe you prayed to Noct, maybe you cried out for your mom, you don’t really remember.
When you reopened your eyes you saw a music box. It was simple, small, and made of wood. There was nothing else around it. No ceiling or sky, floor or ground. You couldn’t speak, so you couldn’t scream. Nothing felt normal. This wasn’t Eris. Did you float into space? Can anyone save you? Would anyone find you?
The music box’s handle creaked; the lid lifted like a yawning mouth. No song was played. Voices came out instead, though they sounded far away. There was nothing else to do but listen.
“At this rate, she’s only going to get worse…”
“You don’t know that. I have a few more items I can pawn off, and then…”
“... Temperature of 102 degrees…”
“How much longer will this embargo last? Why can’t they just give in to the IPC’s fucking demands already? We all know they’re going to, but we have to sit and suffer while they play politics!”
“Honey, keep your voice down, the children are trying to sleep…”
“... Temperature of 104 degrees…”
“My wedding ring! There’s still my wedding ring! We have— we have to go fast, the pharmacy closes at 3400!”
“Jason, your mom and I need to run a very important errand. I need you to keep an eye on Iris, okay? Can you do that for me? I know it’s scary, but it’ll all be okay, I promise. We’ll be quick.”
“Hey… big bro?”
“You shouldn’t get up! Here, lay back down. There you go, take it easy. Mom and dad will be back soon. They’ll get what you need, and… and… it’ll be okay. They promised.”
“I’m sorry… for making everyone sad.”
“No, no, that isn’t true! When you get better, we’ll be the happiest family there is. We’ll— we’ll take a trip to the entertainment district, get tons of yummy food. I’ve been saving up my allowance so I can spoil you. You can have cookies, cakes, whatever you want, it’s yours.”
“... Pudding too?”
“Of course, pudding too. You’ll have so much, you’ll need an entire lifetime to eat it. A long, long lifetime. So… just wait a bit longer. They should be back any minute now.”
“You want to hear the music box mom gave you? That’s all the way in the— no no no, don’t look at me like that, I’ll go get it. See? Keep an eye on the door, lift your head just a little bit. I’ll be quick.”
“Hey, look what I found. Works like a charm too. Hm? Did you fall asleep? That was fast. It normally… it takes… normally takes… l-longer…?”
The music box slammed shut.
The tall boy — Jason — released his grip on you and staggered back. His friends ran to his aid. You squeezed your head in your hands, fell to your knees, and tried to disappear. It hurt, it hurt, oh, it hurt, a pain you’d never experienced before. It felt like your chest was stabbed over and over again with something sharper than a paperclip. This pain, his pain, it was too much.
A few guards that’d been dispatched to search for you overheard the commotion. They ran over, worried that you were injured. Nothing was wrong with you physically. The pain came from within. You thrashed and screamed when they picked you up. You wanted to be left alone, you wanted it to go away.
You looked at the tall boy one more time before they pulled you away.
Tears fell from his eyes and they couldn’t stop.
You don’t think those kids were mean. They were just really sad.
“I’m sorry I ran away,” the little boy said. His voice wavered. “I was scared.”
You felt numb. “Of me?”
His eyes widened and he waved his hands as if he’d caught on fire. “N-No, well, kinda, but not like that. You’re nice. You don’t tell me to smile or to stop looking sad.”
Your lower lip trembled. “But I made you tie your hair up.”
“I see better now.”
“And— and I said your name was dumb.”
“... I don’t like it,” he said. The strange feeling reappeared. “That name. It is dumb. You know that I guess, ‘cause of the mind stuff.”
“Isn’t that scary?”
“Maybe if you did mean things with it, but… that name made me sad. So you picked a new one. Lear is cool. It rhymes with stuff.”
You lifted your head. The little boy wasn’t lying, you could tell.
“Why’d you leave then?”
His little hands balled into fists by his side.
“I was scared. I was asked to make a promise before, and I lied. It was a promise I didn’t like,” he explained.
Then, he lifted his finger. A droplet of blood dripped from it. “I shoulda said something. I’ll try, I’ll really try, so please don’t be sad. It makes me sad. I want… I want to be best friends!”
A lump formed in your throat. Tears stung your eyes, the strength of his words pierced through your sadness like an arrow. A friend. You never had a friend before. You didn’t think you’d ever get to have one. Mom said it’d be difficult, that if you wanted it, you’d need to try harder than you’d ever tried before.
You launched at Lear, your arms outstretched, and wailed loudly. He caught you awkwardly with a gasp. You pressed your forehead to his shoulder and hugged him tight.
“I don’t want you as an accomplice anymore! You’re my best friend! I really mean it this time!” You exclaimed in between sobs.
“Eh? Accom-police?” Lear struggled to repeat the new word. Then, for the first time since you met him, he laughed. “I don’t really get you, Miss Phaeales, but… I wanna.”
That kid, Jason… is he okay? Did he ever go back home to his parents? You wonder. I used to think I could prove him wrong, that I just needed to grow up faster so I could fix everything. And yet, these past two years have been some of the worst economically.
You grab the rose by its petals and return it to the vase.
The crystal lotus shines beside it, its multiple surfaces flickering between brilliant hues. This gift, while beautiful, never particularly stuck out to you before. It wasn’t until Blade expressed an interest that it stood out more.
You sit in front of your vanity.
Mom… was I a good daughter?
You brush foundation along your face.
I always thought you never understood me, but…
Mascara darkens and thickens your eyelashes.
… I never tried to understand you.
You slam the makeup drawer shut.
It has officially been three months since the IPC instituted its travel ban on Eris with seemingly no end in sight.
Unemployment rates have crept up from 5.3% to a staggering 15%. We reached out to a financial advisor for Metis Mining from Mele, a company that has laid off one-third of its workforce.
“It’s an awful situation,” he said. “Essentially, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I’ve been in this field for some 150 years — never have I seen anything like this. Thelx is our heart. If it stops pumping, we stop getting the blood we need to live. We need tourism. We need our heart to beat again.”
An advisor for Chrysus, however, is singing a different, more upbeat tune.
“We’re feeling optimistic. The negotiations have been going well. None of us want this to last longer than it has to. We’ve cooperated fully with the IPC’s requests, working endlessly to provide the necessary documentation for them to drop this unfounded charge. We ask that the people of Eris stand together. I will not be accepting questions at this time. Thank you.”
“What is Chrysus doing,” you groan. “The optics on this are terrible. ‘We ask that the people of Eris stand together,’ sounds like a bumper sticker for a spaceship.”
The comment section on the article expresses a similar sentiment. The most upvoted post is a picture of Eris on fire with bottom text that reads, ‘Don’t worry, just keep standing.’ The second is a screenshot of the advisor’s comment with the caption ‘me when i lie.’ To make matters worse, the user’s profile picture is the lead singer for Mushroom Mania but with a flower crown photoshopped onto his head.
You squint at the tiny text beneath it.
Your friend banona69 liked this post.
“Blade, can you cut my phone in half?”
He throws you a disinterested glance.
“Riveting conversation, as usual,” you lean heavily on sarcasm to reel him in.
“You’re working. I won’t interrupt,” he drawls.
Or maybe it didn’t, who knows, he’s as easy to read as an esoteric tome in a lost language. It is true that you’re working. Keeping up with clients, overseeing reimbursements for canceled appointments, apologizing for circumstances you have no control over; the usual. Your latest torment involved your bank’s servers going down when your employees’ paychecks were due. They’re testing out a new customer service android, but yours had a bug that caused it to repeat everything you said.
That predicament came to an end and five more popped up in its place.
You stretch your arms above your head. “If I handed you over to the IPC, do you think they’d lift the travel ban?”
“Find out for yourself.”
“Huh?” You swipe your monitors away so you can gauge him better. “What do you mean by that?”
Blade kicks himself off the wall and uncrosses his arms. “If you can subdue me, you can turn me in.”
That’s one of the biggest ‘ifs’ to ever if. You narrow your eyes, like that’ll help your ability to discern his intentions. He’s standing there, intimidating as ever, his countenance betraying nothing. You decide he has to be joking. It’d be a major inconvenience for Kafka and her cronies to break him out of IPC holding. You know precious little about Blade, but you do know he takes his job seriously.
Regardless, this cycle has raised your blood pressure to unprecedented levels, so you play along. A little fun never hurts.
“Didn’t Nona tell you about my mind-liquifying technique?”
“Screeched it, more like,” Blade dryly recalls. “It’s a bluff.”
You swivel around on your chair and get up. He remains perfectly still as you languidly approach, his burning eyes never leaving yours. An electrifying sensation courses through your body the closer you get. It’s unfair how beautiful he is. His dark hair that shifts into a crimson shade, broad shoulders, narrow waist, his surprisingly soft lips that are almost always drawn in a straight line; the wanted posters don’t do him justice.
You have to crane your head to look up at him, the man’s so ridiculously tall. You’ve never liked it when people look down on you — this must be the lone exception.
“And if it isn’t?” You challenge.
“You would never,” Blade insists. It isn’t your eyes he’s focusing on anymore, it’s your lips. “You’re too…”
On the occasions you can get Blade talking, he’s never at a loss for words. His cadence has a quiet confidence. If he’s in the mood, he’ll have a rebuttal for every possible sentence you could concoct. It’s immediate too, as swift as his bladework. It’s unusual for him to trail off for this long.
“Too…?” You encourage, tilting your head.
“Forget it.”
You don’t have the luxury of pressing the issue. He quite literally sweeps you off your feet, taking long strides to your office’s couch like he owns the place.
“You missed your chance,” Blade lays you down on the cushions and crawls over you. “Unless you’d still like to try.”
You glare at him halfheartedly and prop yourself up on your elbows. This guy must have a thing for manhandling you, because every chance he gets, he goes for it. You splay your hand against his chest and lightly push. He gets the message and moves back, allowing you the space necessary to lift up your blouse. He’s all over you immediately after, kneading your chest and trailing hot kisses down your neck. He stops at the spots with bite marks or bruises, giving them extra attention so they don’t fade.
“Maybe I could, who knows? Perhaps I’ve extended you mercy,” you breathe out.
Blade pins your wrists above your head with one hand, his amusement evident. “You’d be the first.”
He leers at your cleavage like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. His lips are back on your skin, starting at your collarbones and then moving down. He lavishes your chest in lovebites, his teeth practically married to your skin. Your low-cut shirts will be collecting dust in your closet at this rate, he’s seen to that. He kisses down your navel and stops shy of your skirt’s waistband.
“Is this for me?” He plays with your skirt’s short hem, raising it to reveal your thighs.
You did choose this risque skirt to see how he’d react, but he doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing this.
“You’re not the only person I ever see,” is your cheeky reply.
He doesn’t look impressed.
“I’m the only one who can fuck you, though,” he says, as plain as someone describing the weather.
You frown and twist your head to the side. He picked up on that, huh? You don’t know if it’s definitive, but you haven’t conducted tests to find out. It is exhilarating to lose yourself in carnality without fearing the repercussions. Still, you don’t want him to believe that gives him an exclusive claim to you. You’ll both enjoy yourselves, he’ll get recalled from this job, and that’ll be the end of it. He’ll be nothing but a story you drunkenly recall to Nona. Nothing more, nothing less.
Possessive men are a turnoff. If they wanted to own the thing they stick their dick in, they could buy a sex android. You’re not a sex android. You don’t run out of battery power in six hours or incur hilarious yet painful-sounding reasons for lawsuits.
“Pouting again?” Blade taunts.
Long, gloved fingers lightly glide against your inner thigh.
“I don’t pout,” you sigh as his hand dips past your waistband. “I brood.”
“Mhm.”
His fingers are quick to find your clit. He rubs the sensitive nub in slow motions, applying minimum pressure. Your breath hitches and you look up at him through lidded eyes. His towering form cages you in. This couch is one of the few surfaces he hasn’t taken you on yet. Your bed, your office chair, your desk, hell, even the wall; he’s fucked you on almost every object with the geometry to permit it.
Your head tilts back as he steadily drags his fingers down the length of your pussy. His ring and middle finger barely slip in before he pulls them out, returning to their previous task of gathering your slick. There’s enough for each swipe to create audible sounds, despite the relaxed rhythm he’s set. This detail doesn’t go unnoticed by him. No, he grins at you, his eyes practically shining.
“Shut up,” you grumble, covering your face with your forearm.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to, it’s written all over your— ah!”
His fingers plunge into you without the slightest resistance, all the way up to his knuckles. You gasp at the abrupt intrusion. Normally, he takes surprising care when pushing anything inside you — whether it be his cock, tongue, or fingers — gauging how your face contorts to ensure you aren’t in pain. He couldn’t have been touching you for more than a minute and yet your body produced enough lubrication to easily suck him in.
“My what?” He probes, lowering his face close enough for your noses to touch. His soft black locks tickle your cheeks.
Blade curls his fingers as if beckoning you toward him, which is exactly what he gets; your back arches and you curl your arms around his neck for purchase. He’s noted this clinging tendency of yours and has taken great pleasure in pointing it out. You mewl as he carries on his ministrations, loving the contrast of the cold leather against your warm insides. He finger fucks you nice and slow. His lips find yours, kissing you in a way that can only be described as tender. You reciprocate, though the lustful haze permeating your mind desires something rougher. This is the sweet kiss of a lover, not a… whatever the two of you are.
Blade pulls back an inch when you run your tongue over the seam of his lips.
“Are you ever satisfied?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” you huff. “Do you have any idea how much shipping Plan B to this planet costs?”
He exhales sharply in amusement. “You like when I finish inside.”
Your walls clamp down on him before you can protest this claim.
“Would you look at that,” Blade hums, his voice dropping in volume as if he were sharing a secret. “I can’t even move my fingers, that made you squeeze them so tight.”
You’d like to think he was exaggerating, but it does take a few seconds for him to comfortably slide his fingers in and out again.
“You’re delusional. That’s… an involuntary muscle contraction.”
He quirks an eyebrow.
His fingers abandon their prior creed. He embraces a new tenet — one that seeks to make your lips part in pure pleasure. You writhe beneath him at the unrelenting onslaught. He angles his palm so that it rubs against your clit with every thrust of his fingers. You’re quick to sync up with his sharp movements. Every time his fingers glide back in, your hips rise to meet him halfway. Soft gasps and moans fill the air as your peak grows closer.
Your walls start to tighten, promising that sweet ecstasy will soon be yours.
The second time it squeezes down, his merciless pace relaxes. He doesn’t stop entirely, he just slows down enough that you aren’t getting the stimulation necessary to come undone. You bite down on your lower lip. He hasn’t deprived you of an orgasm since this feverish passion began; he’s been more interested in seeing how many times he can fuck you to completion. He didn’t even subject you to this cruelty when you made a jab at his age that set him out to prove he doesn’t ‘have the refractory period of an old man.’
You don’t bother trying to move your hips for more friction. One night, during the afterglow of sex, you inquired after his sword. Among other things, he nonchalantly revealed its weight of three thousand pounds. You called his bluff. He was in an agreeable enough mood to summon it, allowing you to test the claim’s validity yourself.
Sure enough, you couldn’t even drag it an inch across the ground…
His breath is hot on your ear as he whispers, “Admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“That you love it,” he commands, his fingers massaging your walls. “Don’t be shy.”
“I’m anything but shy.”
“Hm. Dishonesty doesn’t suit you.”
You groan in exasperation when his fingers come to a complete halt. Is he really going to make you admit something so embarrassing…? Your face burns as hot as those faraway stars. You examine his expression, searching for some sign that he isn’t being serious. It’s a poor tactic. His countenance is stern, except for the blush on his cheeks from how aroused he is.
“I…” you inhale shakily, your lower lip trembling, “I like… when…”
“Love,” he corrects.
You turn your head to the side and squeeze your eyes shut. “I love when you… cum inside me.”
His clothed cock twitches against your leg.
“I know.”
Blade returns to the heavenly speed that has your mind all but floating away. His palm rubs down hard on your clit, his fingers searching out for that spot you love so much. Inhibitions gone, his name is the only word your tongue can form. Everything else that isn’t Blade has been erased from your lexicon. He makes you feel so good, it’s maddening. He’s addicted to your body and you couldn’t be more grateful.
To be wanted, to be desired… what bliss this brings.
Your muscles tighten and release as waves of pleasure devour you.
Your insides spasm around him, demanding that he doesn’t let up until you’re satiated. He’s happy to oblige. Once your orgasm-induced daze lessons, you yank him down to your lips into an open-mouthed kiss that has you swapping saliva. He swallows a whimper from you while pulling his fingers out, leaving the area he’s become so intimately acquainted with. The arm that he was using to hold himself above you snakes behind your back. You’re made to sit on his lap as he shifts upright, your skirt flaring out.
As always, it’s you who breaks from the heated kiss first.
Blade raises his gloved hand for you to see. You gape at how the onyx-colored leather has lightened, thoroughly coated in you. He parts his middle and ring, allowing dewy threads of your essence to form. Those crimson eyes go from admiring his handiwork to reveling in your embarrassed expression. As if you weren’t flustered enough, he slips his fingers into his mouth. His length hardens and he groans quietly while sucking off your slick.
While savoring your taste, he starts the familiar process of pulling your drenched panties down. You set to work on undoing his belt. He then hits an area that’s difficult to pull them over. He gives it one more try before frustration surges from him, hinting at his solution.
“Stop ripping my undergarments,” you chastise, lifting your leg to make it easier for him. “I’ll have to go shopping at this rate.”
Blade exercises a modicum of decorum and flings the scant fabric aside instead of eviscerating it.
“Quit wearing them.”
“That dream of yours might come true if I have none left. If that happens, I’m stealing your credit card.”
“It’s yours.”
You roll your eyes, focusing on freeing his cock. His length is flushed red and painfully hard. You wrap your hands around the base. Pre-cum leaks from his head in steady streams that flow down, coating him enough that it’s easy to glide your hand up. He hisses out through gritted teeth. Once your hand reaches the top, you rub his smooth tip with the pad of your thumb. The way he leers at you is borderline animalistic. You keep at your task, pumping him up and down.
“Does this count as me subduing you?” You muse, your voice taking a sickeningly sweet cadence, “Should I get handcuffs ready?”
“Watch it, girl.”
You would’ve if he hadn’t teased you so much earlier. But he did, and you must have some compensation. You sink onto the ground. Blade shoots you an inquisitive look, to which you flutter your eyelashes and smile. The realization of your intentions hits him when your lips place an amorous kiss on his leaking tip. The veins running along the length of his cock pulsate from the sight. Such a chaste way of going about a lustful act must do something for him.
“You…” He growls out, clenching his hands into tight fists, “God.”
You suck him gently, swirling your tongue along his slit. Meanwhile, your hand pumps him faster. He thrusts his pelvis forward to force more of his cock into your mouth. He isn’t immediately gratified — no, you take him in at your leisure. His gloved hand entangles itself in your hair and helps guide your head up and down. The wet sound of you sucking him off grows louder from the copious amount of saliva slathered along his cock. You reach for his balls, gently cupping and massaging them. Blade pants above you and throws his head back.
The telltale twitching of his cock starts.
You pull yourself off him. He glares down at you, silently fuming.
You suppress a laugh and climb onto his lap. His hand goes to your shoulder, a sign he intends to push your body down so he can fuck you. Rather than moving aside and complying, you undo your bra’s clasp. His enchantment with your bare tits distracts him enough for your scheme to carry on undetected. You align your entrance with the head of his cock and start sinking down, taking the initiative yourself.
Blade’s large hands fly to either side of your hips from instinct. Inch after inch slides in and stretches you. He maintains unflinching eye contact, the intensity behind his gaze is almost more embarrassing than the act of sex itself. Maybe he’s as pent-up as you are? Whatever the case, the tension in the air begs to be diffused.
“Have I earned your forgiveness?” You ask.
“You’re getting there.”
Your lips part in a silent moan when you fully envelop him. Blade grunts, pulling you down so he can go as deep inside you as possible. His thickness caresses your walls and sets your nerves ablaze. You gyrate your hips in one last little act of revenge. He squeezes your flesh, sending the unspoken warning that you’re truly testing his patience. Thinking it best not to test your luck any further, you rise off him and sink back down.
The legs in your muscles are sore from overexertion but the burden barely falls to you. Blade lifts you off his cock then back down again — you could go completely limp and it wouldn’t make a difference. He must’ve wanted to know you were ready before ruthlessly maneuvering your body for his pleasure.
What a gentleman.
This position has him consistently rubbing against a spot inside you that’s mind-numbing. He fills and stretches you like your body was molded with him in mind. Your gratification isn’t his goal at the moment he’s lost in the pursuit of what you snatched away. He’s greedy because he can be; he’s greedy because you welcome it. You’ve had so much to give and no one to receive it. You aren’t sure how much he’ll take. You’ve decided it’s better to be empty than bursting at the seams with ardor no one can swallow, lest their throat get scorched.
Maybe his premonition is right. Maybe no one will be able to fuck you but him.
So you’ll enjoy it while you can.
The rosy hue on his cheeks, his countenance reflecting the pleasure he derives from your body, the inhuman grip that mars your skin so beautifully; you take everything in. You want it all. You’ll gladly take from him too. You might not like possessive men, but passionate men are a different story. It’s boring if they aren’t a little frenzied.
“Not… going to last long,” he pants out, his voice strained.
Your nipples brush against the fabric of his shirt as you lean in to embrace him, your lips right by his ear.
“Cum in me then,” you whisper, nibbling his earlobe. “Cause I think we both know you love it even more than I do.”
Blade groans out a series of expletives. Some you recognize, some you don’t.
His cock throbs as he empties himself inside you. He thrusts upward in sharp movements, his pelvis hitting yours hard enough to sting. He’s drunk on the high you’ve brought him. Spurts of his cum slide out from your coated walls, an egregious act he remedies by fucking it back into you. By the time he finally stills, you’re both panting, sweat glistening along your bodies. You rest your head on his shoulder to regain yourself. His bandaged hand runs up and down your back, almost soothingly.
In a matter of seconds, his flaccid cock steadily hardens, still snug inside you.
“Who… who’s never satisfied again?” You breathlessly murmur.
His hand finds your clit and lightly brushes over it. You whimper, your walls tightening enough to give you both a jolt of pleasure. The pitch you hit is high enough to stupefy you from mortification. You slap your hand over your mouth, hoping it’ll dissuade any further involuntary infractions. He gingerly grabs your hand and pulls it away.
“Still you,” he says, grazing his lips along the pulse point of your inner wrist.
You don’t get the chance to bite back.
A robotic voice slices through the lustful atmosphere like a scythe.
“Miss Phaeales, incoming call, Miss Phaeales, incoming call,” it intones.
You stifle a groan. “Alright alright, I get that, who is it from?”
“Contact name: Lear.”
Your eyes widen. Though your limbs feel like jelly, you lift yourself off Blade, who doesn’t give much assistance. You mouth the word ‘sorry’ to him, snatch your bra off the floor, and start wobbling over to your desk. After some quick rummaging, you find the device you need.
“Put him through to my in-ears,” you order the virtual assistant.
“[First]? Hello?”
Relief surges through you upon hearing the sound of his voice.
“Lear, it’s been so long since we talked, I started to think you were a figment of my imagination,” you say whilst securing your bra back into place.
“I know, I’m— I’m sorry,” he sounds terribly flustered. You can picture his expression without trying. “It’s just, you’re busy, and then that happened and I—”
“Slow down, I’m only teasing. It’s alright. I get it.”
“Eh… you’re as bad as Nona,” he grumbles. “You just hide it better.”
“Don’t worry, it’s out of my system.”
“I don’t believe you, but I’ll leave it at that,” he’s quiet for a moment, before adding, “You sound like you’re in high spirits, [First]. You don’t know what a relief that is.”
You twirl a pen on your fingers. “I’ve dabbled with the alternative and found it lacking. It does help that some pesky issues have finally been resolved… which reminds me. Your paycheck came through without any issues, correct?”
There’s indistinct murmuring from two voices. Lear’s tone sounds chastising, while the other comes off as petulant.
“Hi Nona,” you greet, to which there’s a faint yet audible ‘Fuck!’ along with rapid footsteps retreating. “How fortunate is it that our paths have crossed like this? I noticed something very interesting. You can’t respond to my texts relating to your studies, but you can like a social media post from a few hours ago?”
Now, rapid footsteps approach.
“I’m taking a break from texting for my mental health,” Nona’s voice reasons.
“... Don’t people normally take a break from social media for that reason?”
“Check the DSM-106. It’s actually a thing.”
“Be that as it may, you’re making good progress. Your scores are consistent enough that you can take a few clients again when we reopen. You need to keep practicing so it stays that way.”
There’s a slight commotion. When it settles, Lear’s the one speaking again. “Sorry, she wanted me to say there’s still an issue with the paycheck coming through.”
In the background, you hear her cry out, “Teacher’s pet!”
“Allow me to once again request that you place aside your bias. Nona, whose birth name is unknown, was born and raised in Arc’s most hostile faction. At the self-reported age of 74, she submitted a request for Thelx citizenship. Your mother, in her benevolence, granted the request due to seeing Nona’s potential as a future Arbiter. Do you deny any of this?”
You quietly take a deep breath.
“... How does Nona seem to you, Lear?”
What should be such a natural question feels like speaking with glue coating your tongue.
“The same as usual. And, no matter what she says, she is studying the notes you sent. She just hates the training program. You were the same way, weren’t you?”
“I was, yes,” A heavy smile finds its way onto your face. “Has anyone been giving her trouble?”
The silence on the other line lasts longer than you’d prefer.
“It hasn’t… been directly at her, per se. There’s just a general atmosphere of unease. Thelx has the highest percentage of citizens integrated from Arc, so things aren’t so bad here. Occasionally, there’ll be a confused kid pointing and asking why her eyes are different, but that’s nothing new.”
The tension in your shoulders relaxes. “Alright, that’s reassuring. Please keep an eye out for her in my stead, okay?”
You refuse to believe Chrysus. Everything with him is a move, some preplanned tactic to achieve a goal that advances his interests. You’ve lived life with Nona; he’s read a few paragraphs about her from a .txt file. There isn’t time to be at war with yourself. If he felt comfortable enough to make an accusation like that, there’s no chance it’ll end there. You’ll need countermeasures set in place.
Countermeasures, countermeasures… there’s Caicias. He loathes ‘secret alliances’ and ‘bloated bureaucracy,’ preferring to keep everything as simple as possible. Depending on your approach, you might be able to sway the former principal. He’s always treated you as an uncle would their niece. While it feels infantilizing now, this soft spot could be an advantage if played correctly.
An in-person meeting would be your best chance.
“Of course,” Lear says, breaking you from your thoughts. Then he’s quiet again. “[First]?”
“Mhm?”
“...”
You hear him sigh.
“It’s nothing. I should let you get back to your work.”
“Hold on, you can’t ‘it’s nothing,’ me!”
A shrill alarm chirps and pierces your unsuspecting ears.
“Oh, shit, Nona set the fire alarm off while cooking again,” Lear sounds more exasperated than worried. “Let’s finish this another time, [First]. I… I promise that I will.”
“Wha— again? How often does this happen?” You demand. “Hello? Hello? Ugh.”
Irate, you tug your in-ears out and toss them on your desk. What could Lear possibly have wanted to discuss? The tone he used made your heart drop. It sounded so firm, so resolute. He’s always been on the more soft-spoken side unless provoked. He did promise that he’d pick it up ‘another time,’ an unintended callous sentencing. Your mind is going to play fill-in-the-blank with the most dreadful words possible until this burden is lifted.
You’re about to return to your office chair when you remember your present condition.
Tousled hair, a hastily put-on bra, a wrinkled skirt, and one of the most sought-after fugitives in the universe’s cum dripping out of you.
Ah. And said fugitive is still behind you.
You spin on your heels. “So, um—”
Blade isn’t anything like when you last saw him. He’s redressed, and composed, his expression a mix between indifference and boredom. He’s returned to his favorite position too. Leaning against the wall, arms crossed, with one knee slightly bent. Why he favors this stance so much, you’ll never know. You’ve offered him a seat more times than you can count. He comes across as less intimidating when he isn’t at his full height.
He stares at you.
You stare at him.
“I’ll… be getting back to work, I guess?”
He doesn’t so much as nod and he says you’re the pouty one?!
You gather your clothes off the floor for what feels like the umpteenth time, your cheeks burning. It isn’t that you feel ashamed, rather, you think he could at least help instead of standing there like his portrait is getting painted. He’s not trying to hide that he’s watching you. His eyes have always had a physical presence, they weigh on you heavily.
You briefly consider making a snarky comment, but your maturity wins out. You’re above such petty drivel. You finish collecting your garments. Next, you pull up the bra strap that decided to go awol, straighten your skirt, and fuss over your hair. Are you doing this so he knows you’re not embarrassed and in a rush to scamper off like a wounded animal? Maybe. Who could blame you?
You make for your bedroom door, head held high.
Blade speaks your name in that low, dark voice of his, stopping you dead in your tracks. Your body erupts in uncontrollable shivers.
You stiffly turn around like a rusted cog.
“Missed a spot,” is all he says.
You blink. “Huh?”
Blade nods to the lower half of your body.
Sure enough, there’s a dribble of his cum caked against your inner left thigh.
…
You hurl your belongings at him, which he catches without so much as batting an eyelash.
Your very short-lived satisfaction dissipates when you recall how much you adore that blouse. The same blouse you just chucked at the immortal sword-wielding Stellaron Hunter who can kill people faster than the afterlife can claim them. He’s still holding it. You get the feeling he will continue to hold it.
“Could I… have… that… back?”
This appeal doesn’t move him in the slightest.
You shift your weight between your legs. “Please?”
“You can,” Blade starts, momentarily filling you with hope, “Come reach for it.”
There is no hope in this universe, you decide. Nihilism is the only plausible option.
Blade dodges all your valiant attempts. When you’re about to give up, he lowers the garment, dangling it in a silent taunt. It then ascends to the heavens the second you dive for it.
He leaves your office that night with a blouse he hadn’t owned hours earlier.
And your cute panties.
Lear
Hello
Lear
Are you awake?
You’ll scold me if I say I am
Lear
Historically, that is true
Lear
You focus on caring for others so much you forget to care for yourself
You make me sound like a better person than I really am
I’m just doing my job
Lear
There you go with self-deprecation again…
It isn’t self-deprecation if it’s true >:)c
Lear
That isn’t how that works
Lear
You’ve always been hard on yourself
Lear
I know what you’re going to say so I’ll stop you preemptively
Lear
Anyone could’ve been born in your role and decided not to take it seriously. You didn’t choose the situation but you chose your response to it
Lear
… I swear I didn’t intend for this to become a lecture
I believe you
What was your original intention then?
Lear
Our phone call
Lear
Nona decided to try a grilled cheese ‘hack’ she saw on the internet
Lear
She’s lost stove privileges for a week
Is it truly a punishment if she gets to eat your cooking?
Lear
Well
Lear
It’s either that or she starves
Fair point
Bring me some leftovers or I’m docking your pay >:)c
Lear
I wish Nona never taught you that face. It brings something primitive out of you
>:)c
Lear
(ง •̀_•́)ง
Oh I forgot about those
They’re way better
Lear
Yeah
Lear
ε (*´･ω･) з
Lear
… I got distracted again…
( ͡° ͜ʖ├┬┴┬┴
Lear
Okay okay enough with the emoticons
Lear
I wanted to ask if we could please talk one-on-one
Pick a date and time and I’ll do my best to fit you into my schedule.
I make no promises.
The current estimated wait list is five Trailblazer Years.
Lear
Do you accept bribes
Naturally.
I am a government official.
Lear
I’ll bring you a slice of my galatopita
You’re in
Lear
Actually, I wanted you to pick the time
Lear
I know that person has to be around and I won’t ask about it
Lear
But there is something about him that unsettles me
Lear
Does he ever leave?
He’s always on the LOTUS-EATER’s premises
He doesn’t have to be in the room though
I can ask him to leave
Lear
You feel comfortable doing that?
Yeah, it’ll be fine
Lear
Even after what happened last time?
You could hit me in the head with a brick and I’d still trust your judgment
If you think it’ll be okay I’ll think the same
Lear
(^◇^；)
Lear
What an extreme example
Lear
It’s very you though
I know a backhanded compliment when I see one
Lear
(;° ロ°)
Lear
Hey don’t say that
Lear
[First]? ?????
Lear
… You’re messing with me again, I take it?
>:)c
I’ll send you the details
Lear
Thank you
Lear
Want to play a round of Connect Four?
Need you even ask
Lear has invited you to play Connect Four™©®.
You have accepted Lear’s invitation to play Connect Four™©®.
The break room has changed significantly since you were little. Gone are the sterile, eggshell white walls and beige furniture. The redone interior boasts bold greens and yellows, colors that aren’t commonly seen on Eris. This bright expanse was one of the few suggestions your mother took you up on. You even convinced her to get a terrarium imported that goes through a randomly selected flora’s lifespan in twenty-four hours. A few besmirched it as ‘watching grass grow but slightly sped up,’ until certain flowers got popular. The daisy with petals that burned was a LOTUS-EATER staff favorite. So is the dahlia that spins like a pinwheel.
“Was there something you wanted to ask?”
Lear places his cup of ice water down. “Does it taste alright?”
“It’s delicious,” you hum. “That’s not what I was referring to, though.”
You finish your dessert while Lear mulls over your words. The light, creamy taste of the egg custard, the dash of cinnamon strewn across the browned top; he’d do well if he ever started a dessert business.
“I know I said I wouldn’t ask about it, but…” Lear’s sapphire eyes flitter toward the door, the paper-thin barrier dividing you from Blade. “Has everything been alright during this… er…”
“House arrest?”
“That’s a way of putting it,” he sighs. “I know it’s for your safety, but being stuck in this building for weeks on end can’t be good for you.”
“It’s always been this way to an extent. Now it’s just official.”
He grimaces.
“That doesn’t bother you?”
This area utilizes the same technology available in your office or the private rooms. Sound waves cannot travel beyond a set point, or in this case, beyond the breakroom. This safety net allows you to comfortably speak your mind.
“Maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t stopped long enough to ask myself that. From my perspective, I have two choices — accept the current situation and carry on, or, get upset and carry on, only with less efficiency.”
Lear struggles to maintain a neutral countenance. It’s why you always beat him at card games.
“... Okay, that sounds a bit bleak. What I’m trying to say is that I can’t dwell on what’s out of my control. I’ll focus on what I can do and work from there.”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t brooded at least a little.”
“Ha, I’ve done my fair share of that. I’ve just reduced it from boiling to a nice, tolerable simmer.”
Lear’s grip on his glass tightens. “You’ve matured a lot.”
“Eh? You think so?” You wonder. “If anything, I should’ve been this way to begin with. I had you as the premier example to follow.”
Lear’s smile doesn’t reach his tired eyes.
He inhales sharply. After a moment’s consideration, he comes over, pulls out a chair, and sits facing you. This is the closest you’ve been for a long time. He never wanted you to be afflicted with those visceral headaches, so he maintained his distance. For him to cross the bulwark he painstakingly built cannot be easy.
Slowly, he raises his palm. He stops at the halfway mark between you. You knit your eyebrows. Does he want you to…?
“It might not be a brick, but it’s similar,” Lear says, his voice soft.
His hand is calloused from years of cleaning dishes and tinkering with various contraptions. His fingers tremble, belying the nerves he’s trying to push out of sight. This trepidation isn’t for his sake, it’s for yours. The dire consequences that could be reaped. It’s a gamble where you’re the one forced to go all in.
Your heart pounds and pounds.
You’ll trust him.
You’ve always trusted him.
Lear’s skin is cold yet clammy. His hand overshadows yours, though not by much. They fit together as well as they used to. Unlike then, your touch is more hesitant than his. His fingers sink down and clasp your hand, an action you mirror. Nothing’s happening. Nothing hurts.
You expect a relieved exclamation or expression from Lear, only to receive heavy silence instead.
He squeezes your hand once then pulls away.
“Do you remember the ‘important promise’ you wanted to make when we were kids?”
You nod.
“I did want to make it, actually. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that.”
“It’s been so long, it’s possible I don’t remember, but… I don’t think you ever said that, no.”
“The promise I mentioned was one I made with my mom,” Lear lowers his head. “She made me promise that I’d forgive my father. I never planned on it, not while he was living and breathing at least. I knew that and still… I agreed for her sake. It might seem silly, but that ate at me. She never asked me for anything, and the one time she did, it was something I refused to fulfill.”
You lean forward, hesitate to put your hand on his shoulder, yet ultimately overcome the instinct. “You were just a child, Lear.”
“I know. The reason I’m going into this is that… even when I wasn’t a child, I’d sit there and judge my father. I thought he’d acted cowardly. Instead of acknowledging mom’s declining condition, he’d buy more equipment and supposed miracle cures. He worked nonstop. Mom didn’t want that. She just wanted to be with her family while she could.”
You can hear the lump forming in his throat. You pass him your water, which he gulps down. He gives himself a second and then continues.
“He wasn’t delusional. He knew, and still, he tried so hard to convince himself that he didn’t. There must’ve been some moment of clarity when it hit him,” Lear’s fair eyelashes flutter shut. “What you said to Nona… that was my moment of clarity. My punishment.”
Thoughts swarm through your mind like the Propagation’s reign of terror from eras past.
“‘Punishment?’ Why would you deserve a punishment?” You probe.
Lear doesn’t know how to respond. His lips open and close, words escaping him. What comes out next is interwoven with anguish’s thread.
“Mrs. Phaeales approached me about our relationship. I was so worried, I don’t remember her exact words… it was something along the lines of, ‘If you truly care about her, you need to end this before she gets hurt.’ She wouldn’t go into the specifics. It didn’t come across as a threat, just… a plea, maybe. Eventually, I agreed. It hurt, but I didn’t see any other option. How could I ever willingly do something that’d make you suffer? You, the person who matters to me the most?”
This torrential downpour soaks into your very being.
“It should’ve ended there. I thought it ended there. Then I saw you again, and god. You’re so… so confident, beautiful, and bright; I couldn’t do it. I was at a loss, and… then I had this thought. ‘I want to keep her even if it destroys her.’ I couldn’t shake it. That isn’t love, I-I don’t know what that is.”
“Everyone has thoughts they aren’t proud of.”
“But you didn’t know, because I was too ashamed to tell you,” Lear insists, each word growing quieter. “So instead, you thought you did something to me, right?”
He wouldn’t look you in the eye. His arms remained limp by his side as you unbuttoned his shirt, tense and strained. You pulled back. Something felt terribly wrong. A sharp pang shot through your skull. You ignored it and beseeched him to tell you what was wrong. He wouldn’t. The sharp pang ricocheted. Being close to him hurt. It was as if you were on the same side of a magnet. He repelled you and you couldn’t fight it. You tried to preserve, tried to claw through whatever barrier he’d put up.
… A barrier?
Had he not wanted this? Was the gravity of your desire too intense for an individual who isn’t trained to resist?
“I…” your mouth is dry. “Yes.”
“You didn’t. I knew you didn’t, and like my father, I tried convincing myself otherwise,” he reopens his eyes, revealing a glassy sheen. He wipes it away with his long sleeve. “I ran out of excuses.”
You don’t know how to begin parsing through this information. It undermines the rough understanding you’ve operated on for decades. The foundations haven’t just cracked, they’ve collapsed, and the materials are damaged beyond reuse. Anything you build will require a new blueprint.
“If it isn’t manipulation, what exactly is it?” You murmur, placing a hand on your chin. “You rightfully guessed nothing would happen if we came into contact. What made you think that?”
The direction you’ve chosen to steer this conversation toward surprises him. This must not be the response he braced himself for. Regardless, he’s quick to offer anything he can.
“Something just felt different, I guess? I’m sorry if that isn’t helpful, I can’t think of a better way to describe it.”
Mother must’ve known more than she let on, you think. ‘Before she gets hurt,’ she said. Shouldn’t it have been ‘before Lear gets hurt?’ She cared about him plenty too. So why…?
You pace around the breakroom, your heels clicking throughout the otherwise silent room.
Alister listened when he thought you were taking him to ‘Roze’, a significant other he created in past Synalinks. He tried to kill you after you took him outside and it became evident that wasn’t your intention. No link could be established past that point. Then there’s Blade. You thought you could manipulate him to rescue potential survivors. You were rushed, yes, but you made absolutely no progress.
“My mind has a will of its own,” Blade tells you. “It’s loud. Something about you quiets it down.”
What can psyches roughly be broken down into? Primary, unfiltered instincts; an individual’s rationality, or ability to reason; then their mortality, what lines they will or won’t cross. When properly aligned, the mind operates as a cohesive mechanism. However, if there’s friction, disharmony abounds. The resulting fissure causes strife until it’s plastered back together.
It hits you.
What it is that makes Exalted Arbiters so paramount, why your abilities far surpass others.
You’re a living, breathing conductor, amplifying raw, often questionable instincts. A lightning rod meant to attract the attention of what reason and morality try so valiantly to suppress.
You forgo your pacing and sit back down. “Lear.”
“Y-Yes?”
“All of us are stupid.”
“Eh?”
“Well-meaning and stupid,” you reiterate. “I know what you want from me. You’re not going to get it. You condemned yourself, I condemned myself… what good did that do? Did it change anything? Make it better?”
You shake your head. “We like to torture ourselves; we’re adept at it. Enough. It’s finished.”
“... You don’t need to make me feel better—”
Lear receives a flick on the forehead.
“Idiot, half of that spiel was for me. Maybe three-quarters.”
You grab his hand and give it a hearty squeeze.
He squeezes back.
You both sit there, in this room that’s changed throughout the decades. Where you played make-believe (or, to be more exact, coerced Lear into playing the princess role so you could be the knight), gorged on junk food until you both got sick, plotted how to blow up the IPC with a water gun; you never thought you’d be able to do those things. The dumb, silly things you’d watch in movies or read about in books.
Lear runs the pad of his thumb up and down your hand. “[First].”
“Mhm?”
“Everything you just said — I can tell you believe it.” His breath hitches. “So why… why do you look so sad?”
You force a smile.
“I think I had my moment of clarity,” you tell him. “Like mother, like daughter.”
Whoever coined the term ‘misery loves company’ deserves the 85th spot in the Genius Society.
Blade sits beside you on a sinfully comfortable couch in The Club. His legs are crossed and his arm finds its respite behind you; not touching yet close enough. He’s your perpetual shadow. You steal a glance at his side profile. His jaw’s set and his eyebrows crease inward enough for his otherwise unblemished skin to wrinkle.
“Would you like to talk about your innermost feelings, Mr. 8.13 billion?”
Nothing, not even a halfhearted grunt, which comprises 50% of his vocabulary.
“No? Okay. Let’s focus on mine then,” you motion to the empty bar. “My innermost feelings are telling me to drink until my brain becomes a gray matter slushie. Any recommendations?”
It’s as if you’re trying to communicate with a rock. Which, according to the latest journals published in Geo Elements Organized, might be possible thanks to an artificial intelligence translator who learned how to speak rock. Apparently, pebbles are prone to bigotry. Marble sings operatic arias but each note is flat. These cutting-edge discoveries justify your 10,000 credit monthly subscription no matter what your financial advisor says.
You exaggerate your sigh. “Fine, I’ll pick my own poison.”
“Baijiu,” he eventually says.
“Hm? What’s that?”
He looks at you like you’re an idiot.
“My, my, somebody’s touchy.”
You hop the counter and peruse your establishment’s expansive selection. Hundreds of brands slapped over uniquely shaped bottles line the wall, each displaying information about their inside contents. You squint. What if he just said a random word to get you out of his hair? Your liquor knowledge consists of the basics, you’d be none the wiser if that’s the case.
“Where might I find this— oh, fuck.”
Blade is right beside you in the blink of an eye. Your hand flies to your chest, and while you’re trying to process how someone can move so fast, he finds what must be his intended target. It’s a tall, green bottle with a script you recognize as belonging to the Xianzhou Alliance. How did he ever expect you to find that on your own?
He rummages around and finds little wine-shaped shot glasses. In the meantime, you scan over the various juices and additives available. It’s been rough, but not drinking-alcohol-without-a-fruity-infusion rough. Blade notices your scheming and shakes his head.
“Men are so pretentious about liquor,” you lament.
“You asked.”
“My mistake.”
He ignores you and returns to the couch. You do the same, up until the point where you’re about to sit down. His gaze grows heavier, more concentrated. It took millions of years of evolution to develop complex language and he still chooses to opt out. What a waste. An unofficial staring contest commences. What does he take you for? A mind reader? You technically are, but still, using your abilities for this is beneath you. Especially while you’re in the midst of a crisis that you’d give anything to stop thinking about.
Blade must have a mind-altering epiphany that he has additional motor functions at his disposal. He pats his thigh.
He stares at you.
You stare at him.
You examine your black pencil skirt that stops above your knees. Hopping the counter in this was more of a way to pretend you’re in your early twenties again, not an invitation to test the fabric’s limits. You’ve lost multiple pairs of panties, a nice bra, and a blouse to this bodyguard who took the occupation’s prefix very seriously. This classy skirt isn’t going to be an addition to the clothes necropolis.
“I like this skirt,” you simply state.
You stare at him.
He stares at you.
Your vision undergoes an odd change. One moment, you were standing tall and assertive, looking down your nose at him. In the instant that follows, you’re facing the bar, its black marble countertop and gravity adaptive stools coming into focus. What you’re sitting on isn’t a foam cushion that’s as soft as a cloud. It’s rigid and displeases your tailbone. You struggle to balance yourself, an issue that’s solved by Blade’s left arm curving snugly around your waist.
“Did you just—” You cut yourself off, unable to dredge up the energy necessary to get annoyed. He could throw you through the roof for all you care. Sitting you on his lap is forgivable enough. “Whatever, you’re pouring my drink then.”
He’s already in the process of doing so. He pops the lid and fills the specially shaped shot glass with clear liquid. An aromatic fragrance of fruits and spices wafts through the air. It’s a world captured in a bottle; another place you’ll never get to see. You have to settle for admiring pictures and reading firsthand accounts.
Does Blade have an association with the Xianzhou Alliance? It isn’t your place to ask, but you’re curious nonetheless. He’s been a silent spectator of your life for the past few months yet you know nothing about him. It should stay that way — getting involved with him physically is already questionable enough. Especially now that you fully grasp the phenomena that’s been haunting you.
The thought makes you wince.
You lean your head back and down the shot.
It burns as it travels down your throat. You cough, the unexpected strength hitting you with the force of a collapsing star. Maybe you should’ve worked your way up to taking shots. It’s too late to rectify the mistake, your hubris is irreversible. The bastard chuckles at your suffering. It’s the briefest chuckle you’ve ever heard, but it still counts.
“What is the— what is the alcohol content of that?” You rasp out.
“Eighty.”
You crane your neck to glare at him. “If you wanted to kill me, the sword would’ve been faster.”
He rolls his eyes. He actually rolled his eyes at you. He picks you up, sticks a little ribbon on your head, and delivers you to death’s doorstep only to disregard your valid concerns? The 8.13 billion bounty isn’t enough. They need to double it.
“I’d like to see you drink this. Considering your prehistoric age, it might short-circuit your cardiovascular system.”
Blade pilfers your empty shot glass. He refills it, swallows without any fanfare, and then resumes his staring regimen.
You don’t know if you should be impressed or offended that his tolerance is better than yours.
Ultimately, your competitive nature wins out. You manage two more shots before waving the white flag. The flavor itself isn’t that bad once you get past the initial shock, it’s slightly fruity. The alcohol taste packs a punch though. A version with a lower ABV would suit you better.
You sigh, lean into his chest, and try in vain to smooth out your bunched-up skirt.
Your inebriated daze hits fast. There’s no pleasant buzz accompanying it, only exhaustion. The kind that makes the prospect of sleeping for a few years tempting. Those cryogenic pod ads know how to sell their product. It speaks volumes how simple their marketing remains since they’re so high in demand.
You inspect your soulless business. There aren’t any clients traveling to and fro, well-dressed ladies having their fur coats removed by valets, or businessmen celebrating a deal by clinking their glasses together. It’s eerily quiet. There’s nothing but the sound of your slow breathing and the thrum of the oxygen generator.
This planet’s heart remains frozen with you at the epicenter.
“What’s it like to travel across the universe?” You ask.
“It’s just work.”
Just work. You’ve received variations of this response when you’ve used this question on clients. They’ll take your silence as a signal to prattle, complaining about jet lag, getting through customs, finding a hotel that isn’t ridiculously overpriced during busy seasons; on and on they’d go. You’d sit across from them, smiling and nodding along, verbally empathizing with their plight. If they went on too long, you’d temporarily excuse yourself before your agitation spewed forth.
“That’s it?” You murmur.
He’s silent.
You kick your heels off, lay your legs across his lap and the couch, then sling your right arm around his shoulders to hold yourself in place. He observes you with no discernible emotion as you make yourself comfortable.
“Tell me about it,” you implore. “The universe. Please.”
Blade considers your request. You take it as a good sign he hasn’t shut you down immediately. For once, you don’t needle him. You just sit there with high hopes and a pleading expression. A peculiar emotion surges around him. It whispers to you, requesting that you lean in and hear it better. You deny the impulse and swat it away.
This mental exertion almost causes you to miss his frown and pinched-together eyebrows.
It’s fleeting, but there’s no misinterpreting what you saw.
Have you ever seen Blade’s face reveal so much?
It’s a vault he doesn’t leave open long. The doors seal shut before you can catalog the contents inside.
“Nothing I’ve seen is worth telling.”
You part your lips yet no sound comes out. You retract your arms from him and lay on your back, resting your forearm against your head. The LOTUS-EATER’s dark ceiling becomes your latest intrigue. It’s a cool shade of gray, mimicking the joyless sky that hovers outside like a specter deadset on haunting the living. You hate it. Everything’s gray, bland, depressing, an insult to the vibrancy that accompanies sentient beings.
You close your eyes and all goes silent.
After a while, his deep voice rumbles, “Do you want to see it?”
“Hm?”
“The universe,” he clarifies.
“Oh. Of course. But…” you pause, noticing how draining an endeavor it is to string together a coherent thought, “If I could, I wouldn’t. Too much… there’s too much I hafta do… here.”
There’s Nona. You want to help her reach her full potential, she’s brimming with it, a never-ending source of energy and zeal. Then there’s Lear. Why he idolizes you to such a degree, you’ll never understand. He should turn that starry-eyed gaze inward. It’s ironic — he considers you confident, yet you’ve always shied away from ever revealing the fathomless depths of your care.
You were born to be an object and he made you a person.
How can you ever repay a debt like that? Why is it so awkward and awful to express anything you feel without theatrics accompanying them? You have to tell him. You know he loves you, and while the love you hold for him is different, does he know that? How could he, if you’ve been so hesitant to say those three harrowing words?
Man, you think. My head’s killing me.
“Tired?”
After you grumble in the affirmative, he lifts you up. You think you might be floating. Your head lulls to the side and comes into contact with something solid, which proves you aren’t. Gravity hasn’t quit its longstanding tenure. Your blurred journey begins when you’re laid down in a spot more cozy than the couch cushions. It feels familiar and safe. Tension melts from your body, slinking off to loan you a brief solace. The interest is set high, but you’re too blissfully content to care.
That night, you dream of an ocean dutifully guarded by the sun.
The waves rise and fall along the shoreline, the breeze carries the scent of saltwater, and aquatic birds caw from above.
Bright white sand is plentiful beneath your bare feet. It tickles your toes and tricks you into thinking you’ll sink with every tentative step.
As you walk along this esplanade, an object hidden amongst the sand jabs into your sole.
Blood pools from the wound, trickles down a steep slope, and infects the ocean.
The scarlet droplet corrupts and warps it, devouring any color it comes into contact with. It's insatiable, a bloody blight that proliferates until the sea is swallowed whole.
The moon eclipses a dying sun. Driven by vanity, it paints its likeness across red, shimmering waves.
Unknown
I have good news
Unknown
I’ll be recalling Bladie soon
Unknown
I located the party responsible for endangering your life
Unknown
Isn’t that great?
If you’re being honest, then yes
Unknown
Am I not renowned for my honesty?
Unknown
No harm will befall you, so rest easy
Unknown
I hope we can continue our mutually beneficial partnership ♡
-
If there’s anything your mother’s passing has taught you, it’s that time isn’t guaranteed.
You thought you’d have a lifetime to see eye to eye with her. Over centuries, the layers you cultivated would peel back. You’d then ask her the questions that have lingered on the tip of your tongue.
Did you want to have me, or was it out of obligation?
Is this the way you want to live?
Am I a daughter or a burden?
You don’t know what scared you more. The idea of asking her, or what the answers might be.
None of your blood relations are living, but you still have a family. You refuse to treat something as fickle as time lightly again. Nona’s past, Lear’s present, your future; you can only dance around it for so long. The tempo will inevitably speed up beyond what you can follow. Lear’s confession reaffirmed how dangerous this complacency is. By believing you’re sparing one another pain, you’re only sparing yourself.
Your tea’s gone cold. The remnants swirl down the basin’s drain.
The true nature of your abilities, the shackles it puts you in, you’ll tell them everything.
You shoot them a text, asking them to meet you tonight at the LOTUS-EATER. You then set your phone to Do Not Disturb and place it aside.
Blade won’t be on Eris much longer. Your chances to help him are limited and you still haven’t fulfilled your promise.
You’d like to try and remedy that.
“I may have been a bit prickly when we first met, but I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for all you’ve done. I’m sure you just consider this a job, which is just as well, still, I’d be dead if it weren’t for you. I don’t even want to imagine what would become of this planet in my absence. So please give me one last opportunity to deter your mara.”
Blade gives you a long, hard look.
“You’re talking like that again?”
“I’m trying to be professional.”
He walks over and leers down at you. You return his blank stare unabashedly. Eventually, he readjusts the collar of your ivory blouse.
“What was that for?” You ask.
“I saw something that isn’t very professional.”
Glancing down, you pull the fabric back, revealing a prominent hickey. Your face ignites and you frantically cover it.
You clear your throat. “Is it a contractual obligation for you Stellaron Hunters to get on my nerves?”
The glint in his eye makes you nervous.
“Actually, do me a favor and don’t answer that. Just tell me if you’re interested or not, I’m a busy woman.”
He thinks it over and nods.
Throughout the preparation and rites, you consider what you’ve learned. Individuals exposed to you become more willing to act or dwell on their subconscious desires. The exact metrics aren’t clear, but you can safely assume this effect amplifies the longer they’re around you. These desires have a wide range. It can be as innocent as causing an older brother who ran away from his grief to finally cry over his deceased sister, or fuel for justifying selfish actions.
Blade’s case feels different.
Unprecedented as the other examples are, you can understand them somewhat. If a person acts on their most innate wishes, their behavior will change accordingly. However, what you’re causing here extends beyond psychological — it’s physiological too. Is that even possible? What could he possibly want enough to alter the fabric of his very being?
If you can find out, maybe the revelation will help him.
And so you close your eyes.
“To dream is a sacred thing. Don’t fear it. Welcome it, rejoice in it, and shed no tears when it is finished. We’ve been granted your purest blessing. As you slumber, we find rest in you. Allow us the sweetest of dreams.”
…
Blade’s psyche has changed.
The grayscale composition is gone. Vitality has been crowned the new ruler, overthrowing the morose atmosphere in a successful rebellion. This change brings no alleviation to the undercurrents of grief that hang heavy in the air. Instead, it feels more erratic, like a heart beating wildly after waking from a coma.
The Shackling Prison stands beyond a straight path as if it's been waiting for you.
The first time you entered his mind, it rejected you. Now, it’s pulling you in, its gravity far-reaching.
You hesitate to proceed.
Is it his mara that’s responsible for this? You won’t be able to tell unless you keep going.
The invisible force that expelled you nudges you from behind.
You recall when Blade first appeared before you. Your physical eyes showed you a man while every other sense warned he was a beast. A carnivore that would devour anything, predator or prey alike. You believed it then and you believe it now. His condition has condemned him. Where he walks, destruction follows. It’d make sense for you to abandon him to fate’s whims.
This excruciating hunger digests him too. It’s destined to eat him alive while postponing merciful death.
Fate can be cruel, but you have an opportunity to be kind.
You make your way to the Shackling Prison’s gates.
The seal that’s served as a hindrance halts you. You examine the once bold obstruction. It has faded, its strength depleted, held together by nothing. At its peak, you think it would have pushed you out instantly. Now, as your incorporeal hand presses against it, there’s little it can do. The most it can muster is the resilience to delay you a few more seconds.
After that, it shatters and fades like weeping stardust.
A prismatic shard forms from its ashes, coalescing into a blurred, moving image. Distorted sounds crackle from it, which you soon recognize as garbled speech. The noise becomes clearer. You hear a low thrum in the background. Its timbre matches the oxygen generator standard in Eris’ buildings.
This must be one of Blade’s memories.
“I know you’re impatient, but play nice a while longer,” a saccharine voice hums. “She’ll be here any minute now.”
That voice…
The image sharpens and unveils a grand screen plastered against a wall. It sections off into numerous squares, each dedicated to displaying financial data. It’s bright, obnoxiously so, attesting to the owner’s tacky taste.
Chrysus’ office?
A door creaks. Hastened footsteps approach, ringing throughout the brightly lit room. The pair of eyes you’re viewing this memory from — Blade’s — shift to locate the source. The color they arrive at is familiar. It’s the same shade you see upon viewing your reflection, although the shape differs.
Mom? You wonder, astonishment hitting like pelting hail. What was she doing, meeting with a Stellaron Hunter in Chrysus’ office of all places…?
“Your message surprised me, Exalted Arbiter. Getting you to agree to a face-to-face meeting is normally like pulling a tooth. What’s the occasion?” The honeyed voice, which can only belong to Kafka, greets.
“Don’t play coy with me,” your mother replies. While her words are sharp, they aren’t warped with emotion. This is the demeanor she assumed when conducting business. Her sagacity is a trait you’ve never been able to fully emulate. “That thing’s leaving baubles on my daughter’s balcony. How many times have I told you to tighten your dog’s leash?”
“Oh? I thought I had.”
Your mother smiles thinly. “Should I add incompetent leadership to your list of defects? Deals are meant to be followed. Otherwise, why make them at all?”
“We draw lines to test them. So long as they aren’t crossed, there’s no harm.”
“Spare me your casuistry. I don’t want that thing anywhere near her.”
Your head feels like it’s being stretched in multiple directions at once. This sequence unfolding before you has a dizzying effect. Why is your mother so outwardly hostile to Kafka? The Stellaron Hunter isn’t your favorite person either, but this transcends simple dislike. It’s personal, raw. She’s maneuvered through diatribes that’d make anyone else go red in the face, her poise unruffled. Kafka’s little provocations pale in comparison.
Not to your mother, though. She’s a thinning thread close to snapping.
“As per our original agreement, there’s no harm as long as she doesn’t notice him,” Kafka dismisses. She leisurely sits on Chrysus’ desk, not bothering to move his papers aside. She then crosses her legs and smiles. Her eyes emit an unnatural glow. “On the topic of testing lines… let’s not pretend you’re innocent either.”
Your mother doesn’t so much as flinch. “If you’re going to make accusations, at least have the confidence to be forthright.”
“You’re fascinating to deal with, Exalted Arbiter,” Kafka croons. “This is why I look forward to our chats. You don’t cower or plead for mercy like our friend outside did. It’s a welcome change.”
“I’d rather you don’t compare me to Ophídion.”
Kafka drums her fingers against the table’s surface. For such a simple sound, it’s deeply grating. “Forgive me in advance, then, because I intend to one more time.”
Your mother remains silent, her lips taut.
“Still not afraid, hm? Let’s see if we can change that,” Kafka’s smile widens, which crinkles the skin beneath her eyes. “Chrysus’ shipments of ichor are exact, down to the milliliter. Always delivered on time as well. Comparatively, your end of the bargain is far simpler. You just have to grant Bladie ready access to Miss Phaeales’ vicinity. But, I heard something regrettable through the grapevine.”
Your mother’s eye twitches.
“You’ve been shopping around for a way to sneak [First] off Eris, correct? Tsk, tsk.”
All falls silent save for the generator’s dedicated hum.
Your mother stands unflinching, folding her hands in front of her. The two openly scrutinize each other. Calculating, strategizing. Her posture betrays nothing. There’s no guilt or apprehension, making it impossible for you to determine the credibility of Kafka’s words.
“It’s fear you devils can’t experience, correct?” Your mother queries. “Here’s a suggestion — try having a daughter yourself. You praise me for not caving to intimidation; that’s because I’ve experienced far worse. From their conception to our death, fear is the only thing we mothers know. Fear that they won’t become like us, or, even worse, that they will. What a funny juncture we occupy.”
Mom’s voice doesn’t sound right. It’s so… forlorn.
You don’t want to keep watching.
You can’t pull yourself away — the memory’s weight is heavy enough to pull you back in.
“Is that maternal dedication enough to condemn an entire planet?” Kafka ponders. “I’m not a judge who is eager to sentence. I’ve been lenient with you and would love to keep it that way. Leave Miss Phaeales in my care, no harm will befall her.”
For the first time since entering the room, your mother acknowledges Blade’s existence. Her eyes turn to slits as she scowls at him. Disgust, reprehension, and wrath; it converges in a maelstrom that could sink fleets of ships. You hone in on the emotions Blade experienced at that instant. There’s nothing. It’s hollow, save for blots of mild impatience.
“It wouldn’t be your care, it’d be his.”
Your soul convulses.
“Is that so terrible?” Kafka hums. “Separated, they’re essentially cursed, the poor things. They complement each other well, the more you think about it. One who incites madness and another who has the means to resist it. You of all people should understand that, hm? Or is Mr. Phaeales available to voice his dissent?”
Dad?
Darkness passes over her countenance.
You don’t understand and you’re afraid to. Kafka freely tosses around the most taboo topics as if twirling a poisoned dagger on her fingers.
One who incites madness. Is that what you are? A catastrophe patiently waiting for its chance? That can’t always be the case, but, more often than not, what a person covets most should never be fully realized. There’s a reason the sensible and moral components of one’s psyche stuff this risk down as deep as it’ll go. If everyone did what they wanted, whenever they wanted, civilization itself would cease to exist.
As for Blade’s role in this… Kafka must know whatever he wants would have a value that outweighs the potential drawbacks.
“I won’t let her be reduced to a retractable leash for your attack dog,” she seethes. “Let your Cancer of All Worlds do what it will. My decision is final.”
Electricity crackles in the air.
“It’s this script, then,” Kafka murmurs, more to herself than anything. “So many diverging paths, so many possibilities. To think that out of all futures you’d get to pick out specially for [First]...”
Kafka motions toward Blade, who readies his weapon.
“You chose one of the worst ones.”
some misc author notes for this one:
regarding the reader's condition, i didn't want to include a sigmund freud jumpscare in the story itself, so it gets to be down here instead. for those unfamiliar with his theories, what reader is referring to here:
'What can psyches roughly be broken down into? Primary, unfiltered instincts; an individual’s rationality, or ability to reason; then their mortality, what lines they will or won’t cross. When properly aligned, the mind operates as a cohesive mechanism. However, if there’s friction, disharmony abounds. The resulting fissure causes strife until it’s plastered back together.'
is a more abstract version of freud's concept of the id, ego, and superego respectively. originally, i used this exact terminology, but something about it just felt very immersion breaking to me 😭 all i could do was think about mr freud floating about in the honkai universe. consequently, the unreliable narration of reader trying to understand her condition + not using the widely known terminology made me worry it'd be a bit confusing...
so, in freudian terms, being continually exposed to reader's presence causes an individual's id to dominate their thoughts/actions instead of their ego and superego.
#blade x reader#yandere blade x reader#honkai star rail x reader#yandere honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#yandere hsr x reader#yandere#yandere x reader#not sfw#nexus#my stuff
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As A Queer who’s made it in the trades, do you have any advice for other Queers, visible or not, to breaking into the sector?
i don't have any advice for women other than shoot your shot and be brave, because every workplace ive ever been in SAYS they want more women but oh gee women just don't APPLY, but if you look like a guy you just show up, don't pick fights, and let people assume whatever they assume.
if you've never had factory experience before you can either lie or make up a dad who taught you lots of home improvement projects or focus on the physical aspects of other jobs that left you with plenty of experience in packing, handling, basic tool use, forklift driving, truck loading, etc. if you want an actual trade skill you should look up college and trade school classes, or see if you can join a union and get classes from a union hall, or, again, lie your way in.
like. so many young men in the trades are so so bad at their jobs, it's expected that every now and then a dumbass on too many drugs is hired and he breaks important things and turns up late and falls asleep somewhere weird for awhile before getting fired again. ive watched at least eight of these men cycle through my factory in the last year. the last one ran over a welding machine with a truck before breaking his leg by dropping a beam on himself and then quitting because he wasn't getting paid enough (mood). so like if you show up and are a dumbass that arrives on time, works late, cleans up their area, and doesn't break anything too expensive, and doesn't mysteriously vanish after a month, you have a good shot at keeping your position forever. im genuinely not very good at my job and at least one guy everywhere i work hates me for being a mouthy little fag, but the state of the trades is that if you're not actively on drugs and fire and trying to punch your boss, you probably get to keep your job indefinitely.
my other advice is: if you're trans, and you work in manufacturing, do your best to pass and never admit you're trans. things get bad weird, very fast, and you're surrounded by big guys with power tools. you don't have to pass very well, because the trades are full of a wide variety of the weirdest men in the world and almost none of them have a functional gaydar, but you do have to at minimum not volunteer the information that you're trans.
like. you can if you want. the results will be educational. but no one will be learning anything they wanted to know from this event.
EDIT: start working out though. you NEED to be able to safely lift 30-40lb to start out with and 50-100+ is ideal. if you can't carry around 50 lb for at least a short ways (on and off trucks, on and off tables, on and off dollys) you're risking throwing your back out which is a lifelong bigtime problem. make sure you can lift, bro!
#it took me a while to figure this out#because they WILL yell at you for being bad at your job#but you don't actually have to not be bad at the job#they hate hiring new people more than they hate you#every time
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Intro + Masterlist
Hi! I’m Ivy and I have been known to write things on occasion.
27 | Sapphic | Lover of dark content
I have a penchant for writing about scary men (+ women!), and am not opposed to writing smutty and/or dark content. Because of that, this blog is strictly 18+.
Minors + ageless blogs will be blocked
Dark content **is** placed under a cut for those of you who don’t wish to see it!!
Requests are currently ||open for snippets|| (pls check ((rules)) and ((F-List)) before sending requests!
Masterlist Key:
⚠️= Dark | ✨= Smut | ❗❗= Angst | ⚪ = Consensual | ⚫ = Dub Con | 🔴 = Non Con | ✔️ = Completed Series | ⭕ = WIP Series
**UTD as of 6/5/23; Check the “my writing” tag to see if Ive posted anything that hasn’t been added to the list yet :)
Kinktober 2023 masterlist here!
OVERWATCH
Unspecified male OW!character x Reader
Heat Stroke
He was a furnace and a cuddle monster- a trait you’d greatly appreciated when you’d started sleeping (as in, literally sleeping) with him in the winter. Now? The temperatures were rising and his grip was borderline suffocating at night.
Gabriel Reyes/Reaper
Gabriel throat fucking Reader ✨⚪
Free use throat fucking kink
Kinktober Day 6 (2018) ✨⚪
Daddy | Corset
Kinktober Day 7 (2018) ✨⚫
Praise Kink | Aphrodisiacs
Kinktober Day 10 (2018) ✨⚪
Wax Play | Hair Pulling
Incubus!Reaper Gabriel has something to tell you. Hopefully he doesn’t have a secret wife.
Gabriel Reyes vs 2-year-old toddler
Gabriel underestimates the power of a nap
Daddy kink headcanon
Tis what it says on the tin. Reyes’ reaction to their s/o having a daddy kink
Reaper teaching his S/O how to kiss
Tis what it says on the tin
Moira O’Deorain
Kinktober Day 2 (2018) ✨⚪
Medical Play | Begging
Kinktober Day 11 (2018) ✨⚪
Aphyxiation | Object Insertion
Moira with an affectionate S/O
Headcanons of Moira with an S/O who enjoys showing random affection
Looks Can Be Deceiving ✨⚪
Moira thinks you’d look adorable squealing underneath her.
Birdy ⚠️✨🔴
Moira’s in rut and has plans for you.
Daddy
Part of your self-appointed job as Moira’s girlfriend was to annoy her on occasion.
Us ❗❗
You can’t overlook this.
Chocolate Kisses ✨⚪
You agree to go on a date with Moira
Problem Solving ✨⚪
You take control when Moira gets too stressed out.
Jack Morrison/Soldier 76**
** F!Reader fics written prior to announcement of Jack’s sexuality
Daddy kink headcanon
Tis what it says on the tin. Jack’s reaction to their s/o having a daddy kink
Brat Tamer!76 ✨⚪
You weren’t acting out because you’d missed him. Definitely
Sleeping Dogs Lie ⚠️✨🔴
Jack just wants to make you happy
Movie Night ✨⚪
Jack starts seeing a new mother and develops some new kinks as a result.
Hang Ups ✨⚪
Jack moves past his hang ups.
Stealth ⚠️✨🔴
You’re not nearly as stealthy as you think you are.
Cole Cassidy**
** Older fics refer to Jesse McCree, pre name change
Kinktober Day 1 (2018) ✨⚪
Smiles/Laughter | Deep Throating
Demon!Hanzo x Werewolf!McCree x F! Reader ✨⚫
You decide to summon a demon and there are some… unintended consequences
Nap Time
It’s just a fact that boobs make the best pillows
Gratitude ✨⚪
Jesse shows his gratitude to his sweetpea getting a tattoo themed after him
Welcome Home, Baby ✨⚪
Jesse comes home
Daddy kink headcanon
Tis what it says on the tin. Cassidy’s reaction to their s/o having a daddy kink
Trying for a baby with his wife headcanons
Tis what it says on the tin
Genji Shimada
Late Bloomer (I) (II) ✨⚪✔️
Genji’s precious beta is actually an omega- one whose heat hits her like a freight train.
Dragon!Genji x Reader ✨⚪
You’re ready to carry your lover’s eggs
Bother ✨⚪
You figured Genji wouldn’t care for a second if your cousin was visiting. As it turned out, he cared very much.
Stay ✨⚪
Genji hasn’t been with anyone since his near death experience. Then you join blackwatch.
Playground
You and Genji go to a playground
Kitten Play ✨⚪
Being a well respected professional in your work life is fine and all, but there’s comfort in handing the reins over to someone else.
Genji w/ S/O who struggles with penetration ✨⚪
Tis what it says on the tin
Idol
Genji has his own way of wishing you good luck for your concerts- This has unintended consequences.
Hanzo Shimada
Demon!Hanzo x Werewolf!McCree x F! Reader ✨⚫
You decide to summon a demon and there are some… unintended consequences
Daddy kink headcanon
Tis what it says on the tin. Hanzo’s reaction to their s/o having a daddy kink
Sugar ⚠️
You just got cold feet is all
Incorrigible ✨⚪
You’re an incorrigible tease when you want to be.
Hanzo x Reader ✨⚪
You let Hanzo tie you up like a thanksgiving turkey
Candy
Hanzo has some concerns about all the reader's candy
Trying for a baby with his wife headcanons
Tis what it says on the tin
Sombra
Kinktober Day 3 (2018) ✨⚪
Sensory Deprivation | Edgeplay
Aleksandra Zaryanova
Zarya + Chubby!Reader
Self love is important, but can be hard
Akande Ogundimu
Phone Etiquette
Akande knows how to make a boring business call much more interesting.
See Something You Like?
You notice when Akande starts timing his workouts to match with yours.
Wilhelm Reinhardt
Sugar Daddy!Reinhardt
Headcanons of sugar daddy Reinhardt
Lucio Correia dos Santos
Trying for a baby with his wife headcanons
Tis what it says on the tin
Far Cry 5
Jacob Seed
Apex Predator (I) ⚠️⭕
The Deputy has a secret, and Jacob makes it his mission to bring her to heel
What You Want (I) (II) (III) ⚠️✨🔴»⚫ ✔️
Jacob learns the deputy is his mate and sets out to subdue her
Quality Over Quantity (I) (II) ✨⚪✔️
Jacob ensures the continuation of the Chosen’s line
Happy ✨⚪
She was content with her place in the middle of the pack. Then Jacob took notice of her.
All Good Things
He's been sweet on her ever since she propositioned him back in Missouri
Better Late than Never
Pushing 50, Jacob had figured years ago his dreams of a wife and kids weren’t happening
Unrequited ❗❗
Not sure I’ll ever actually finish this- Jacob is in love with the deputy, but marries one of the women in the cult after the deputy marries John
Kinktober Day 4 (2018) ✨⚪
Spanking | Spit Roasting
Kinktober Day 8 (2018) ✨⚪
Hate Fucking/Angry Sex | Fisting
Illness
The Deputy gets sick in the cages
Can’t Sleep
Jacob's insomnia is not new- when the Reader can't sleep, he offers a potential solution
Good With Kids
John gives commentary on Jacob's baby-handling skills
“You smell like wet dog”
Fluffy one-off where Reader informs Jacob he needs a bath.
Love Language
Tis what it says on the tin
Favorite Kinks
Tis what it says on the tin
John Seed
Baptism of Blood ⚠️
John finally has a willing soul to cleanse
Kinktober Day 5 (2018) ⚠️✨⚪
Sadism/Masochism | Blood/Gore
Love Language
Tis what it says on the tin
Favorite Kinks
Tis what it says on the tin
Joseph Seed
Love Language
Tis what it says on the tin
Favorite Kinks
Tis what it says on the tin
Faith Seed
Love Language
Tis what it says on the tin
Favorite Kinks
Tis what it says on the tin
Eli Palmer
Kinktober Day 4 (2018) ✨⚪
Spanking | Spit Roasting
Kinktober Day 9 (2018) ✨⚪
Titfucking | Lingerie
Call Of Duty
Simon Ghost Riley
Simon’s Spotify Playlist
Don’t ask me for anyone else’s lol. He’s the only one who gets one.
Spoiled ✨⚪
Spoiled the thought flashes across his head. Course it doesn’t help that he’s utterly whipped. He’ll give you anything you ask for just because you want it.
Bonded ❗❗
You and Simon are caught off guard during a mission
SS: Overstim
Tis what it says on the tin
John Price
Blind Date
John goes on a blind date. It goes well
John Soap MacTavish
Steel Magnolia
Soap falls head over heels for the base’s fire breathing preceptor
Character Study: Honey
Kyle Gaz Garrick
Under My Skin
Your situationship uncomplicates itself on a rainy night
König
SS: Pregnancy Risk
Not only does König not care that it's not safe to finish inside- that's kinda the point.
Platonic Reader + 141
The B.A.G. Coalition
You accidentally spill the beans on why Graves can’t get a date
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okay, i completely switched gears to somewhat coherent ideas, thoughts, and rambling instead of an essay. this doesn't really have anything new or groundbreaking, its more or less just me thinking out loud about nevin; so here, take what ive written in the last 2 hours
☆ I don’t believe that Nevin has the textbook-definition of a victim complex; he’s obviously going to be more complex than the first google result of a Victim Complex/Mentality, but he absolutely shares behaviors and tendencies with said textbook-definitions. He has been shown to deflect blame (“I’m sorry you feel…” / “I-I… It wasn’t a fight, I didn’t hit him, he…”), as well as (seemingly) having a tendency to catastrophize (“...No… but Nevin tends to assume the worst,...”). A key difference between him and a typical victim mentality is his optimism. He believes that things can and will get better and that he has control over elements in his own life. (“I wouldn’t say it’s too late.” / “The only way to go is forward. As someone who has lived in four different states, things aren’t going to stay the same forever.”) He’s hyper-vigilant about possible threats due to negative past experiences, particularly about people (loud coughing Edward). This is shown through Nevin complaining about Drew’s choice of friends, both being people that Nevin actively dislikes and doesn’t trust. (“Is that fucking Quinton?” … “Where the hell are you going with him? / “I said, I'll tell you later,” … “I can’t talk about this right now.” / “Have you been hanging around him behind my back?”)
☆ Nevin doesn’t actively use his trauma to elicit sympathy from others. The thing that separates Nevin from a victim complex the most is intention. He isn’t like “boohoo im so traumatized no one likes me let me do what i want im so damaged”. When he’s talking about his personal hardships and emotions (a rare occurrence) he’s not doing it to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, he’s literally just sharing how he feels. So his feelings of being a victim are internal for the most part, but. I mean. Yeah, he was the victim
☆ Chris’s tendency to be blamed for things paired with Nevin’s tendency to deflect blame is. It's not going to be fun. Because yes, Chris is a pushover, but he didn’t hesitate to call out Nevin for being unreasonable in their bathroom screaming match. What I'm wondering is how/if this will alter as their relationship develops; will Chris become more tolerant of Nevin’s unjust behavior? Will Chris call him out for outbursts like this in the future, and will Nevin take offense to it?
☆ This is why you do your research, kids. So you don’t prepare for 5 hours for an essay and then you realize your topic makes no sense and can’t actually be proven
☆ Nevin lashing out when offered help by Drew (“What do you think you’re doing?... / “I’m healing you. What do you think?” / “You shouldn’t have. I did this to myself.”) is also considered to be a common behavior for people with a victim mentality. This scene also makes me wonder about how Nevin reacts to being helped/assisted, and a step further than that, being coddled/babied. He’s been the caregiver all his life. He’s been the protector; suddenly, having the tables being flipped on him where he’s the one being cared for is gonna be fun to watch. Like don’t get me wrong, Grandma Jovel is an awesome parent, nothing but unconditional love for her, but it’s obviously gonna be different coming from say Drew or Chris, and it’s also gonna be different between those two as well. We’ve already seen Drew be kind of that way with Nevin, at the end of their argument (“You’re not alone, Nevin. You have me,” … “Even so… I do need to be a part of this because I love you, and I don’t want you to feel alone.” / “Drew, stop that…” … “You’re going to make me cry, too.”)
thanks for coming to what i spent a collective 6 hours on today, im gonna return to being Silly with my boys now
#stfu chris#ibvs#nevin jovel#i have a lot of thoughts regarding him and his character#but yeah feel free to talk to me about nevin like any time whatsoever#yall my fucking NECK HURTS
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hi!! ive been a lifestyle lolita for a couple years now and i have this problem where all my dresses look the same which causes my coords to look the same 😵💫,, like how many pink dress with strawberries or bunnies do i need LOL … do u have any advice on expanding ur wardrobe variety? sorry if tht made no sense i js always love ur advice it’s so informative ^_^
hello!! this is a very fun question, and coincidentally it's something i've been experimenting with myself lately. plus i'm genuinely glad to hear you enjoy my take on things!! apologies for the delay in answering, i unexpectedly got a lot of inbox activity today..
i find it's easy to stick with what you know and to find comfort in the styles you enjoy the most.. and while there's nothing wrong with that, i agree that it could sometimes result in coords being a bit repetitive!
if you're finding yourself wanting some change and to mix things up a bit, i have a few suggestions:
the same dress could be presented in so many different ways! taking reference from your wardrobe for my examples..
different ways you could style a pink dress with strawberries or bunnies:
in a casual, more toned down way
(ex: minimal accessories, low poof petti, shoes that aren't too eye-catching. colors could be more muted to make the main piece stand out more)
in an OTT, all out way
(ex of heavily accessorizing could be: a bunch of necklaces, bracelets or wristcuffs. maybe a creative hairstyle, or opting for a wig if you wish! a lot of decorative hair pins. i like how double headbows could look in some OTT looks! you could focus heavily on going along with the print and find pieces of the same theme, maybe all strawberries or all rabbits. even both could work at the same time, or a different one for each look!)
you could challenge yourself by strongly bringing out one of the secondary colors in the dress. if it's primarily pink, maybe focus on the red of the strawberries or the green of their stems.
playing into different elements of the dress could help transform the coord into another substyle completely. the strawberry dress in question could typically be seen as sweet leaning, but you could style them to suit other substyles!
(ex: for a country lolita look you could pair the dress with a straw hat and a woven basket-styled bag with strawberries!)
having a specific theme in mind when putting together a coord can spark a lot of creativeness! i always enjoy reading what the inspiring theme behind a coord was. if you'd like some examples of what some themes could be, baby yokohama uploads entries to their monthly coord contests along with the theme chosen by the entree.
try putting a coord together centered around an item you don't often find yourself reaching for. it helps a lot with making it easier to incorporate it into a coord if you start out with only that item and work off of it!
taking note of how others styled a piece you own by looking at street snaps, magazines, or even social media can be inspiring. it may give you an idea you've never thought of before! sometimes even seeing the advertisements and how the models wore it in the catalogs could help you see it differently.
and lastly, asking other lolitas how they would style a piece you own and hearing their perspective is always interesting! you could even throw them some ideas for a coord they'd like to plan in exchange. generally just a fun way to connect with others!
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🥰 hi tumblr user rosekasa!! 🦋&🍬 fir the ask game?
writers' truth & dare ask meme
hi tumblr user asukiess my beloved 🥺
🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately
ive been reading lots of goddard & rumi lately so naturally ive been thinking a lot about existence and what spirituality means to me. i think im shifting into the kind of place where im becoming okay with not trying to micromanage everything and instead feel settled in the belief that whatever i consider to be true of myself is what will reflect in my experience of life. after spending my whole life feeling like i have to flay myself into doing the right things to 'deserve' to feel good about myself, there's something so wonderful about feeling good about myself by default and watching everything fit into place as a result of that.
and these thoughts, about how our experience is just the shadow of our own consciousness, makes me look at my life and feel so proud of how far i've come in the things i have assumed to be true. and not to be cheesy but our friendship is one i look on a lot ❤️ my feelings for you are so special and unique that there's no possible way I could've welcomed something like our friendship into my life before i believed it was possible to experience something so wonderful
🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character
ooo. OOOOOOO.
idk if this is unpopular or if i just live in my own head too much but i sincerely believe that adrien is actually more serious when he's comfortable around people rather than sillier. i think goofing off is of course part of his personality but i think as chat noir it comes out in excess because he doesn't really have a chance to express both sides in a regular amount in his normal life. i think the closest we see to his '''''real''''' personality is when he's with plagg, when he's vulnerable and a bit cynical/sarcastic but also still a little naive and sensitive. and i think this can be SO fun to think about in terms of ladynoir becoming more intimate as they grow older (esp in like, fwb/pr established relationship contexts) because ladybug would probably assume that chat noir is just as chaotic and stupid in his personal time as he is as chat noir but then they get a hotel room together and she is so dumbfounded at the fact HE is reprimanding HER for not keeping the curtain in the bathtub while she showers
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🪐 my take on the outer planets 🪐
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saturn is constantly given a bad rap just because it does its job- saturn's placement in your chart isn't always a bad thing- it can signify difficulties in that area of your life, yes, but it can also tell you what you have unwavering resolve in (especially if you're saturn ruled or saturn is positively aspected)
for example, my saturn is in my 1st house in leo (cancer rising) and I've seen people say that saturn in the 1st house can indicate a fear of growing old or being lonely, whatever- my personal experience with this placement is, ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you i am fucking petrified of losing myself- losing my mind, losing who i am and dying early are my worst fears (dreams in which im dying are NOT the best ive ever had 😮💨)
but as a result of this, i know myself SO well. i do think saturn in the 1st house can indicate issues with finding yourself IF it's afflicted, which mine isn't (thank god 💔💔💔)
im also very scared of growing out of touch with the world around me- dont get me wrong, i love being a hermit, but if im ever that old man that can't understand trends or whatever and is overly cynical of younger generations... dawg- take me the fuck out 😕
uranus i LOOOOVEEEEE and i think it stands for so much more than just rebellion- my uranus has a LOT of power in my chart (so does my neptune but they're in mutual reception 😮💨) because my moon is cusped (1° pisces, but i feel both pisces and aquarius influence 💔), and it and my mercury im pretty sure are why i think backwards as fuck- (fun fact, my mercury is FIRMLY direct but it likes to act like it's in retrograde 💔💔💔💔)
but!! more interestingly, i have a very specific mental process where whenever im goin thru it, i cant stay goin thru it for a while- if my brain is fucked up for a little too long and i start getting pissed about it, my uranus takes over and legitimately propels me through the pain in almost an instant. i could be going through something for weeks and once i start getting pissed about it or legitimately bored of it, the next day it's like nothing ever happened BUT i still learned from it
ofc I have to do something to trigger that effect, which is where my mars in cancer comes in and i do a workout to tap into the physical catharsis and BOOM, go to bed and wake up the next day a new man 🙏🙏🙏 god bless 🙏🙏🙏
neptune Ok i am not entirely sure what made whoever said neptune is the higher octave of venus think that but I've never been able to see it. this might be controversial as hell but neptune is the higher octave of the moon to me and jupiter is the higher octave of venus. THAT BEING SAID-
neptune is an absolutely fascinating planet to me lately and im not sure why- i do have a couple transit aspects with it right now but ive wanted to write about it literally all day now- U KNOW i might love it so much bc it's in my 8th house actually that would make sense- ANYWAY-
neptune to me is the source of all the visions from god i get, especially my creative ones- (source: it came to me in a vision from god.) the moon is a very creative placement in my opinion (i have a WILDLY different idea of the moon that i can go over in another post), so neptune follows a similar current, but neptune is higher creativity, higher emotion, etc- it's the planet of spirituality and the absolute depths of our subconscious, like to the point of past lives, that's the kinda shit neptune fucks with
but because it's also the higher octave of the moon, to me it can absolutely represent addictions and vices, everything garbage- personally, my neptune isn't very afflicted at all but i also have a major lack of earth in my chart so i Do find myself experiencing classic neptune-based paranoia sometimes- fuck dude i went neurotic for a week at one point, that was some serious neptune delusion- But my uranus/saturn pulled me back from it, because like i said, saturn makes me petrified of losing myself, so those two joined forces like "ya this shit ain't cool actually take it out back and shoot it"
i might make a post on specifically neptune stuff soon and/or right after this bc the hyperfixation is hyperfixating 💔💔
pluto i FUCK with because it's such a soul searchy planet (my 8th house is very active so ofc i fuck with pluto) in the darkest ways and i love that shit- jonathan davis has his pluto in a fucking mastery degree (29° virgo) and i am to this day like 😦 over it- and it makes SO much sense for him to have PLUTO of all planets in a mastery degree- and i have mine in 26° sag so like im not that far behind... 💔
but dude that's mastery of some SERIOUS transformative powers- that's mastery of the wildly darker shit in life and that is so fucking tight to me- i value that kinda stuff more than anything dude- probably why korn is my fav band (been listening to them as i write this 😭😭)
one thing abt pluto that i DONT agree with tho, and this is more of a scorpio thing BUT i know everyone loves to say scorpios are the sexy signs but dawg... it's cancers... i swear 2 god it's cancers- i will write an entire fucking post on cancers and why i HATE everyone's interpretations of them bc everyone's like "cnanncers are cRYBbaueiis and tHyeyre the most emOtIknal siGnsns 💔💔💔" Bro. Bro. Bro dont do me like that for the love of god. that shit made me hate my rising sign for SO long and also not relate to it!!!! then i started doin my own research and found out "Oh fuck nvm im totally a cancer"
BUT if you look at pluto like the actual God- nowhere in his mythology (that I read anyway- i could be wrong i dont wanna act like i know everything) does it say anything abt him ruling over sex or sumn like that- but everyone says pluto rules over sex!!!!!! Where!!!!!!!!!!! dawg they said he was a god of abundance bc he ruled over the underworld and gems and stuff were found underground 😭😭😭
i do think pluto fucks with taboo shit though But back in the ye olden days when astrology was being developed, sex was not taboo at all, that's a new development that i think uranus fucks with more because uranus is a very future focused planet in my humble opinion
i could definitely keep writing but i think this is already a novel SO- to specify tho, this is all my opinion of the planets, ive read PLEEEEEENTY of books and stuff so by no means do i not know how this shit works, but my uranus makes me rip everything apart and make my own take so 💔
#astrology#astro observations#astro community#outer planets#saturn#uranus#neptune#pluto#astrologer#space
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Stickbug and his awkward i-didnt-even-want-to-be-in-this-photo smile
#my art#my funky guys#hhhh. do i tag this as fandom related.. idk.#clone shiro#sorry to random ppl seeing my dumb little oc guy. his name is stickbug and hes my special little guy#the thing about him is that stick is very fixated on how he is percieved#and tries his best to control the image of himself others see as much as he can#..unfortunately for him hes also awkward as hell and looks like a deer caught in the headlights in 9/10 of photos hes in#i love stickbug so much... 22yo with a history of people pleasing who has put up multiple walls around himself over the years#and is so so fucking tired and confused and angry and just wants to have everything Figured Out already#ive been experimenting w more detailed and rendered drawings lately and this is the result#i dont draw this guy nearly enough so this is like an apology#i was too lazy to draw a bg tho so yeah hes stuck in The Void. tough luck dude ig#also please dont ask me what the fuck is he wearing. i have no idea. its like a sleeveless hoodie or smth??? idk. it looks so fuckin stupid
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(apologies for the long backstory, i swear theres a question in here) ive always struggled with poor mental health including severe anxiety and an eating disorder, which has translated into some strong mental blocks when it comes to sex and intimacy. i like sex and i consider myself someone with a pretty high libido but it is just so difficult for me to be comfortable with another person, especially when bodies are involved. when i was in my late teens/early twenties i would just try to push through those feelings which resulted in some really really bad experiences.
i made the decision to back off from sex and relationships to avoid some of that dysfunction, but while it might have been a smart idea to take a break, its now been 6+ years and it feels time to try again. ive worked through a lot of things and am in an overall better mental state, but i also know that its still gonna be very hard for me! admittedly, the idea of being intimate/vulnerable with another person, or just the idea of someone looking at me for too long, still makes me want to seize up.
so, which actually brings me to my question, do you have advice/tips on communicating with partners that sex and body stuff is still hard and I might need to take it easy? when i was younger, i had no idea how to communicate what i was dealing with, and i at least have the words now, but i feel just so out of practice and like i dont even know where to start. how do i explain that i run the risk of freezing or panicking or dissociating even with a good partner? im a little scared im just going to continue avoiding that conversation, and thus continue to avoid sex and dating even though it's something i genuinely want to do. any advice would be very very appreciated!
hey anon,
I have great news: you actually just did the dang thing. like, you explained the situation very well to me! you clearly know how to do it! if/when you reach a point when you've got someone you like and want to get sexually intimate with, you can literally just tell them the same things you told me. "hey, I've taken a long break from sex for my own reasons and I'm excited to get back into it with you but also a little nervous. here are some things I'm worried may happen during sex; can we talk about them and what we should do if the situation arises?"
you've already done 99% of the work right here babe you just need to like. actually say that to a potential sexual partner and you're good.
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Roderick Strong Primer Part I: The Portion About Personal Connection
Part I (you are here) | Part II | Part III | Part IV
[So...I've been jokingly kicking around the idea of doing a series of meta posts on Roderick Strong for a while now. As usual with me, however, one late night conversation with @scissormedaddyass later it no longer stayed a joke.
This will be split into four parts: this one, where I talk about some of my personal experiences concerning his work (and PWG, because I can never get away from that promotion when talking about my faves ever); the second, which will dive into what I know of his history; the third, which will talk about his character arc - yes, even he has one - and finally a match guide, because by God he wrestles real good.
I'm not saying this'll be the most in-depth dive into his character and career in the world (for one I'm gonna miss a lot of early ROH and most NXT things), but until someone else makes one my little offering will have to do. If even just one person comes out of reading this understanding a little better the brainrot I occasionally have for him, then I think I did okay. Content itself under the cut!]
As I am sure absolutely no one who has talked to me about professional wrestling for longer than ten minutes knows, the promotion that made the greatest impact on me in my teen years was 2014 to 2016 Pro Wrestling Guerrilla (PWG). Beginning with night one of the 2014 Battle of Los Angeles that took place on August 29, 2014, I saw most of the shows they put out for a decent stretch, getting off the train after All Star Weekend 12's second night on March 5, 2016. It was there I saw the full potential of my first favorite wrestler, Chuck Taylor; there where I was first exposed to both talented up and comers like Speedball Mike Bailey and veterans like Chris Hero; there where I first saw the work of my favorite wrestler ever, Zack Sabre Jr.
In other words, for nearly two years it was my favorite promotion; as people well know, though, even as late as the mid-2010s it was not very easy to watch, and living half a world away with no credit card to pay for exorbitant shipping meant that to keep up to date I had to get extra creative. Knowing that I definitely wasn't going to be able to attend a live event, I followed what was happening as closely to real time as I could though social media posts, forum threads, and the occasional YouTube clips or official preview. As soon as news of the DVD releases dropped on the company's Twitter, I would Google search through pages of trash results for a couple of minutes every day until I found someone who'd uploaded the actual full event in glorious 240p and immediately watch it—more often than not, I knew, it would make my day.
I'm not saying PWG was perfect (God no). In fact, back then I don't know if, had I been more active in wrestling discussion circles, there would have been a safe space for someone like me. Still, spending all that time and effort to keep up and watch it was a really important time for me as a fan. It opened my eyes to how fun and creative pro wrestling could be, especially with the freedom independent status provided; sure, oftentimes it would be dizzying or even dangerous to give that kind of power to the wrestlers, and they lacked the multiple levels of safety and security that proper contracts provided, but there was just so much sheer entertainment I got from spots and shenanigans that would have never be cleared or work with the constraints of sponsors, copyright, or other corporate concerns. Making to suck your opponent's dick in the middle of the ring? An invisible remote that magically makes everyone, including the chanting fans, act in slow-mo? "The legendary asshole of Jushin Thunder Liger"? All hilarious, all fondly remembered. There's a reason that for years my top wrestling dream was to attend a show in Reseda—a dream that'll never be realized, but the Globe Theatre is a beautiful venue that seems to actually have working AC, so that's nice!
But, as mentioned: after Zack won the PWG title, a result I spoiled for myself via Reddit thread with much screaming, I stopped watching. It wasn't that I was any less interested in it—I was very much excited about the prospect of my boy on top, actually! It was simply that, between the sites I used all getting nuked and not knowing how to torrent, I just couldn't find it anymore. So I fell out of watching PWG, then the American and British indies, then NXT and what little main brand WWE I still watched, and finally I didn't watch much wrestling at all for two years, from 2016 to 2018. I only came back, actually, when I found out where my old fave Zack ended up: this large promotion called New Japan…
But that's a ZSJ story, and (as is hopefully clear from the title of this post) this series isn't about him. Instead, let's set the scene:
On July 29, 2016, two events and about four months after the last PWG I'd been able to watch, Roderick Strong had his last indie date before going to WWE. Having watched it back, the entire sendoff is pretty elaborate: after champion Zack fends off his latest challenger, Kyle O'Reilly, in a grueling 20+ minute match, Roddy comes down to the ring and demands his rematch. What follows is a less than six minutes breakneck fuckfest with several run-ins and foreign object usage; but, of course, Roderick loses. Afterwards, inviting his friends then that night's locker room down to the ring, he makes his speech about how in 2014 (which was, of course, the year I started watching) he'd made a commitment to reinvent himself as a wrestler—a move that ended up contributing to him being signed to NXT after a 15+ year career. He's thankful for everything PWG had given him, though (especially his then-fiance, now-wife Marina Shafir); as he says to cap things off, he loves the crowd, doesn't hate them!
Honestly, I wish I watched just two more events than I actually did back then, because it might have made my path to becoming a fan of Roderick Strong way more flattering to me. Instead, I have to admit: after Zack tapped him out for the belt and Roddy slunk off to the back, and for a long time during and after my two year break…I forgot about him.
It's a bit of an awful thing to say and is, on top of that, admittedly hyperbole; I never dumped anything of him in my brain down the memory hole. What I mean is that he never really came to mind unless I thought about it really hard. Even during my lull period, when people asked me about pro wrestling I could talk about my favorite people and my favorite moments and my favorite matches, and Roderick was never really there in anything more than a passing mention. In my defense, at first it was because I was even more of a massive hipster back then than I am now, and since I knew he was in NXT I assumed that when (not if; those were more innocent days) he'd go up to the main roster and get lots of fans he wouldn't need me vocally being one of them. Sure, he was probably going to be misused and I wasn't really going to watch to find out because this was 2016 WWE, but he'd at least get that money and that fame on Raw or Smackdown. Why wouldn't he? He was fucking Roderick Strong, a fantastic wrestler and someone I didn't realize for years people thought was bland as hell. Surely he'd make it. Surely.
But slowly and steadily he began to fade from my thoughts, until it came to the point that even after I started watching prowres again from 2018 and into the pandemic I didn't talk about him at all—even when I began looking back nostalgically on my time watching PWG.
Then, completely by chance, the week I decided to get back into All Elite Wrestling—I watched for a while in 2019, but lapsed during the pandemic era; it was hard enough to watch one major wrestling company with no crowds, much less two—was the week Roddy Strong debuted there. Buoyed by other people's excitement and name recognition, I felt generically happy watching the clips. "Oh, yeah," I said to myself. "Roderick Strong. What's he been doing for the past few years?"
(Yes, I completely missed his Undisputed Era period, and was shocked at the belated news that he and everyone else in that faction never officially made it to the main roster. Yes, this also means I mostly know what happened thanks to Drea fighting the good fight with all her Era boys fics. No, I don't think I'm gonna watch his NXT run any time soon, LOL.)
After therefore deciding not to really dive into his recent past, I decided to, for the umpteenth time, think about when I first became familiar with him in that era of PWG…and something funny came about. If you're familiar with the trope called "Once More With Clarity", then that's what honest to God happened: eyes wide and memories superimposed above a shot of the aforementioned eyes at around 50% opacity, I realized that so many of my favorite moments and matches had him there the entire time. Person ZSJ won the belt from? Roddy. One of ZSJ's best matches until that point? When Roddy beat him the first time Zack challenged for the title. Speedball's real coming out party with the Reseda faithful? Them answering Roddy's open challenge at Mystery Vortex. That (in)famous, ridiculously overbooked, ridiculously memorable Guerrilla Warfare match at All Star Weekend 11? The heel aggressors was Mt. Rushmore 2.0, Roddy's faction with the Young Bucks and Adam Cole. Even outside of PWG, I ended up finding out he was involved in several other promotions I followed; I saw him several times in EVOLVE for instance, and what little Ring of Honor I watched Mr. ROH himself was, of course, there as well.
I'm probably forgetting something, but here's what I'm trying to get at: the more I combed through my good memories of pro wrestling the more I realized Roddy'd not only always been there, but that he was a key player in them, not just in matches but in the angles as a whole—and, yes, even promos, his forever dump stat. At the time it was all going on, I just…never really noticed him. And that's the story of much of his career, isn't it (at least in kayfabe)? Always considered an excellent hand, but even when he held the big belt he never seemed or felt like the most important person there.
"Okay," I then said to myself those months ago. "So he's a great wrestler. He's in all these great things I like, wrestling-wise. But who is he, really? Is there enough for me or anyone else to chew on from a character perspective?"
The fact I'm dedicating a four part series to this man, along with all the GIFsets and fanfic I've made, might spoil my answer to that. But for now, brave reader who's actually read all of this (or clever reader who's skipped to the end), stay a little in suspense for a bit if you’d like while I write part two. :')
#mel's writing tag#roderick strong#as I said with the Zack essay: if anyone finished this super self-indulgent thing#thank you so much. :)#IDK if anyone would want to be notified somehow when I make the next parts but yeah that's also an option
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recently i was having a long late night conversation with a friend and suddenly came to an acceptance that im asexual :0
ive been going back and forth on this for many years, bc i have childhood trauma it's hard to tell what's going on.. but i've realised that it doesn't really matter. whether it came from that or not, i don't think i really experience sexual attraction, in the end. i do think i like the idea of having sex with someone i love, and i would like that to be part of the relationship, but it's not really about sex, it's about being close to someone and sharing vulnerability. i never really took seriously that for some people sex is a Need that they can't do without lmao
another reason why i didnt id as ace was that i do feel like i would want that kind of intimacy if i was in a relationship - then i realised, hang on, it's not really sex.. i'd be happy with like.. anything that results in that deep vulnerability, really. i'm not really into kink, but if i was in a relationship with someone and instead of sex we engaged in kink or dom/sub or whatever, i'd be just as happy cause it'd result in the same thing (i might prefer that even.. sex is scary).
anyway this is prob tmi or oversharing or whatever it was just a nice thing to realise. i'm not rly gonna go around sharing my identity as ace because most people would assume that meant something that i'm not. but it's nice to realise this about myself
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SW REQUESTS–PART1
GONNA LINK ALL YOUR CUTE OR FILTHY REQUESTS HERE LOVES!
1. ON YOUR KNEES –ECHO/FREADER 📩🔥💖
Graphic detailed smut with submissive cute Echo and dom female reader.
2. NUMBER ONE –FIVES/FREADER 📩💖
Little fluffy oneshot with fives/pregnant freader
3. ONE POWERFUL BITE –TBB&FREADER (no romantic pairing) 📩💔💖
Alternative universe where the Batch are monster hunters. Tragedy ensues when freader get's bitten and turns to one. (Happy ending).
4. FIFTEEN MINUTES OF PRIVACY – HUNTER/F READER 📩🔥
Short sexy Hunter smut where our poor sarge gets caught red-handed.
5. NIGHTMARES – HUNTER/FREADER 📩💔💖
Small melancholic drabble where female reader is woken up by a nightmare and Hunter arrives to give a little comfort.
6. "BED REST" – WRECKER/GN READER & "TO PLAN A FAMILY" – ECHO/(F) READER 📩💖
First part: short drabble where Wrecker gets sicks and has to get used to not being always the strong one.
Second part: short drabble where reader discovers Echo's longing to have a family of his own and chat with him about it.
7. "FLAVORS" –FIVES/(F) READER 📩💖
Small fluffy oneshot. Fives has always been a player. Now he has a change of heart.
8. JEDI WARRIOR –TECH/F READER 📩💔💖
You get separated in battle. As a result, you end up with a collection of scars. Tech doesn't think you any less.
(First kiss fluff)
9. COLD WITHOUT YOU –MAYDAY/GN READER 📩💔💖
Mayday survives Barton IV w Cross and you get worried asf.
10. QUIET NIGHTS –NONROMANTIC ECHO&OMEGA 📩💔💖
Omega opens up about her experiences of Kamino and Tantiss.
--
Check out the list for part 2 of this requests in my main masterlist!!
&more to come!
#star wars#clones#fanfic#tbb#hunter tbb#tech tbb#clone wars#echo tbb#fics#wrecker tbb#clone trooper fives#arc trooper fives#tbb echo#tbb crosshair#tbb hunter#tbb tech#the bad batch#tech#clone medic kix#clone au#captain rex#clone high#cross#star wars tbb#open requests#request#echo and fives#commander wolffe#clone trooper crosshair#clone trooper wrecker
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sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).
i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)
any advice?
thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.
to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.
but onto my own process.
first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.
please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.
the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.
also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?
TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -
keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.
i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.
*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.
as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.
beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.
TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.
this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?
professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.
growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.
aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.
which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.
dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.
and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.
so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.
your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.
i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.
i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.
also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.
beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.
if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.
#asks#advice#teefiesworld#also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research#but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it#like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''#''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol''#and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely#until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception#over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism#its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity#but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me#all about striking that balance#not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be#bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior#idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like#i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc#btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u
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Stranger Things SIX Review
Warning: The following review contains MAJOR SPOILERS from Stranger Things Six, as well as Stranger Things Season 4.
Out of all the tie-in comics, this is the one that caught my attention just by the cover and premise. When it comes to Stranger Things, I’ve always been invested in its mythology (i.e. the Upside Down, the monsters, the secret lab, the kids with special abilities, etc). So a comic like this, which centers around Hawkins Lab and Dr. Brenner (who’s one of my favorite villains from the show) was something I was looking forward to.
And the results have been..............mixed.
The story focuses on a girl named Francine/Six who came from an abusive home where she was exploited by her parents for her gift of seeing into the future. One day, she meets a boy named Ricky (AKA Number 3) whom she ends up developing a friendship with. After finding out about Francine's situation and how her dad beats her, Ricky introduces her to Dr. Brenner, who encourages both Ricky and Francine to come to Hawkins Lab under the guise that their gifts could help countless people if they were given an environment to develop their powers. However, during their time at the Lab, they realize Brenner and the people working under him don’t have their best interests in mind, and are attempting to weaponize them and the other kids. Meanwhile, Six/Francine begins having visions of a monster (AKA the Demogorgon) from the Upside Down. While she doesn’t understand what the monster is, she fears it’s part of a dark future for her, which only motivates her desire to break out of the lab before it’s too late.
Observations:
As far as comics go, it’s adequate. The artwork is decent, and the plot moves at a brisk pace. It should be a fast read for most people.
The characters aren’t as fleshed-out as they could be, but it’s still cool to see other psychokinetic kids get expanded upon besides El, Kali, and Henry/One/Vecna. Ricky/Three is the boyfriend of Francine/Six and has the ability to emotionally manipulate others into doing what he wants them to do. Jamie/Nine is gifted in pyrokinesis/heat generation. Jamie also has a twin sister named Marcy, who isn’t gifted but was brought to the lab since she and Jamie are orphans and as another way for Brenner to keep control over Jamie.
Francine/Six’s visions about the Demogorgon turn out to be a red herring. She never physically encounters the monster, nor does she ever discover the mystery behind it or the Upside Down. It’s mostly there to serve as a call-back to the show, and as one more motivator for Six to escape the lab.
There’s an implication that Six’s powers, as well as the powers of other psychokinetic kids, may be connected to the Upside Down. This is something that’s also explored in the novel Stranger Things Suspicious Minds where Alice Johnson (one of Terry Ives’s friends) was being experimented on at Hawkins Lab and began having similar visions of the Upside Down and the Demogorgon. I’ve had a theory for a while that the Upside Down is somehow linked to the powers that individuals like El, Kali, and Henry/One/Vecna harness. I especially think it could be true in Henry’s case when he moved into the Creel House with his family and began developing his abilities. I don’t know if there was some sort of crack between the Creel House and the Upside Down (not big enough that anything like a Demogorgon could get through, but small enough that a malicious presence on the other side could have influence a young Henry) but I believe something happened that activated Henry when he was near the clock, which allowed him to start using his powers.
I also find it convenient how El later banished Henry/One/Vecna to the Upside Down of all places once she tapped into her full strength.
I don’t know whether or not the Upside Down is directly responsible for these kids having gifts, but I believe there's a link between them. I wonder if season 5 will expand on this, or if it’s just a theory that won’t come to fruition.
The comic itself takes place in 1978, about a year before Vecna’s massacre. It's mentioned in an interview by the Duffer Brothers that when they first began writing the show, they already had the idea that all of the kids with special abilities (with the exceptions of El and Kali) were dead prior to the start of season 1:
MATT DUFFER: We always knew that the other kids with the exception of Eight were dead. We always wanted to explore that and exactly what happened. It became a challenge because we knew we wanted to tell that story but it’s basically an origin flashback story. How do you keep that feeling relevant to what’s happening in the season, so when you cut to it, you feel like there’s some sort of forward progression and a connection? We knew it was going to connect ultimately to One.
There was also this tidbit regarding the comics and Henry/One/Vecna:
ROSS DUFFER: It’s funny, because there are various comic books and side merchandise and whenever they come to us with those ideas, we would say, you can take any number but you cannot take One. One is ours. So, that’s been ongoing for the seven years we’ve been working on it, that just don’t do anything with One. We’ve been protecting that [revelation]. It is a relief to finally get him out into the world.
Based on this, I assume the Duffer Brothers told Jody Houser and Dark Horse Comics that if they were going to do a story focusing on the psychokinetic kids at the lab, it had to be set before 1979.
This remark from Jamie/Nine caught my attention when I was reading:
The implication I took from her "babies" comment is there were different generations of gifted people at the lab........which makes sense. It's been mentioned Brenner founded the MK Ultra program in 1953. Henry Creel would later fall into Dr. Brenner's care in 1959, Terry Ives and her friends wouldn't be experimented on until 1969, and El wouldn't be born until a year or two later. I'm assuming there were separate age groups in the 25+ years since MK Ultra was started, and that the "babies" Jamie/Nine was referring to were a group of special kids younger than them.
On top of that, the comic presents the idea that not all of the kids at the lab were kidnapped the same way El and Kali were. Ricky was initially a willing participant in the program, Francine was persuaded by Dr. Brenner to join them, and both Jamie and Marcy were taken in after a fire destroyed their home and killed their parents.
Brenner also claims that the United States isn’t the only country developing programs like the one at Hawkins Lab:
I'm assuming Brenner was thinking about the Russians when he said this, and (incorrectly) believed they also had kids with dangerous powers who were being weaponized against the U.S. It adds another layer to his motivations for pushing the kids at Hawkins Lab beyond their limits.
There is a major continuity error that bugs me: At the end of the comic, Francine, Ricky, and Marcy attempt to escape the lab. The reason they're able to is because Terry Ives (El's mom) breaks into the lab on the same day to rescue El:
The problem is that people who’ve worked on the show, such as makeup artist Amy L. Forsythe, have confirmed that Terry's failed attempt to rescue El took place in 1974. This is also supported by the twin actresses who played El in the season 2 flashback being about 3-4 years old when they filmed that scene (which canonically lines up with how old El should have been during that year). I can't tell if this was a screw up from the comic book writers, or if it's a retcon that came from the show. Regardless, it’s still a glaring plot-hole.
There’s also the fact that in season 4, all the kids (with the exception of Kali/Eight) are accounted for. Numbers 3, 6, and 9 are different from the ones presented in the comic. This is Six from Season 4:
And these are what the other test subjects on the show look like:
So unless Brenner somehow replaced Ricky, Francine, and Jamie with other kids who would take the positions of Numbers 3, 6, and 9 within a year before Vecna’s massacre of the lab, the implication is the events in this comic (as well as its sequel Into the Fire) never happened.
And this brings me to my biggest problem with Stranger Things SIX: Because it’s likely not canon given the direction the show went in season 4 (as well as the continuity errors present in the comic itself), it makes it hard to get invested in the story. Characters like Ricky, Jamie, Marcy, and Francine aren’t going to play any important roles in the show, and it’s doubtful they’ll appear in season 5. It’s possible to view this story as some sort of existing legend surrounding the lab if you’re looking for a way to tie this comic into the overall franchise (similar to the folklore stories present in the novel Hawkins Horrors) but that’s about it.
I do think it’s important to view this comic more through the lens of what it tells us about the ideas the writers had surrounding Hawkins Lab, Dr. Brenner’s treatment of the kids at the lab (which is just as abusive in the comics as it is on the show), and whatever connection supposedly exists between the psychokinetic kids and the Upside Down. On top of that, the Duffer Brothers have stated they plan to give more insight into the MK Ultra program under Brenner in season 5:
DEADLINE: Did Dr. Martin Brenner not know that this kid killed his family and framed his father, or did this kid’s sociopathic potential offer Brenner an opportunity to really mold a weapon without a conscience?
MATT DUFFER: The second, really. He knew what this kid did and also what he was capable of when he was young. Brenner’s going, how can I mold this character, but not just into a weapon? That’s really how he sold it to the government, but for him as a scientist, it’s like, what other worlds can this kid show me about how our universe works? So, he’s really just that scientist who’s not really thinking about the consequences. He just keeps pushing, pushing, pushing, and he’s using the government’s money by saying hey we can fight the Soviets with this kid. It’s something we will get into in Season 5. What happened to that program once Henry became involved and how Brenner evolved it into including multiple kids. We’re going to go back and see some of that in Season 5.
I am definitely looking forward to that.
Overall, I’m glad I read this comic (though I wish I’d gotten it for a cheaper price), but it’s not my favorite.
#stranger things#stranger things six#stranger things comics#el hopper#vecna#henry creel#terry ives#martin brenner#kali prasad#the duffer brothers#number 1#stranger things season 4#francine/six#ricky/three#jamie/nine#demogorgons#the upside down#tgh opinions#tgh reviews#stranger things season 5
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