#it's not so much a fix-it as a. i wish they had said these things. so kind of a fix-it
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BITCH, YOU KNOW I'M SEXY ᯓ★
━━ ❝ I'M NOT YOUR MOMMY, N★GGA! FIND A NEW HOBBY, N★GGA! ❞ wc. 5.4k
ᯓ ❤︎₊‧⁺...synopsis : being toji's roommate, you finally snap after another night of not being able to sleep because of his damn late-night hookups. your house, your rules.
ᯓ ❤︎₊‧⁺...cw : blk!fem!reader x f. toji, frenemies to lovers, smut, face-sitting + pussy eating, dumbification, degradation, praise kink, dirty talk, playful arguing, hair pulling, size kink, begging, riding, unprotected sex (do not do this in real life omfg), dom-ish reader, sub-ish toji, lots of pet names, toji being an asshole, toji gets called a 'good boy' a few times
ᯓ ❤︎₊‧⁺...lunar's notes : toji toji toji, what am i going to do with you...anyways, this was super fun and i love these two so much and i need them to go out on a date properly at some point ! if you want to be tagged for the future posts, comment on the main post here ! enjoy baddies ❤︎
you love sleep. absolutely love and cherish it, even.
every night, you follow the routine you set for yourself without fail: hot shower, slipping into some comfy PJs, in-depth skincare, brushing your teeth, and then pulling your bonnet on.
nothing is better than slipping into bed, soft sheets feeling sooo good on your skin. yes, you absolutely love sleep.
except it seems that your roommate has no respect for your need for rest, considering how many times you've had to hear the high-pitched whining of women paired with the annoying thud of the headboard against the wall.
he better not damage the wall either, because he will be the one paying for it.
you both were...sort of friends, sure, but ever since you both graduated college, toji has been doing his best to get on your nerves. constantly picking on you, teasing you, or doing stupid shit that annoys the fuck out of you. especially whenever he leaves the fucking toilet seat up in the middle of the night.
and every time he hears you squeal late at night in the bathroom before shouting his name, he can't help but laugh.
eventually, it went from him just doing things to inconvenience or mess with you to this. and you were tired.
these nightly...activities of his need to be addressed because you are not letting a man of all things be the reason you can't sleep soundly at night. this is your apartment, after all!
it's a friday night and you just know you need to talk to him before you have to hear some woman fighting for her life of toji does...whatever he does that has all these women coming in and out of your apartment like it's a damn brothel...okay, well, it was the same two women, but still!
so that's how you find yourself, pounding on his door, sleepy, tired, and irritated in your hello kitty pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt, ready to get in bed and actually sleep.
"fushiguro, open this damn door," you command, fluffy slipper tapping on the floor as you wait for him to open his door. after a minute, you hear a groan and the shuffling of sheets before the door swings open.
toji stands in the doorway, only in a pair of sweatpants that hang low on his hips with an eyebrow raised as he looks down at you. you don't care how hot he looks, you want nothing more than to wipe that look off his face, hating how smug he looks.
"whaddya want? 's she here already? told 'er not to come for another 2 hours," he mumbles, scratching at the scar on his lip. you're silent for a moment, processing what he just said. "who......no. nononono. absolutely not, tell whoever you are expecting she is not coming into my apartment."
crossing your arms, you fix him with a tough look. sure, you know you aren't the scariest thing, especially in hello kitty pants and puffy slippers, but it doesn't matter! he is going to respect your wishes or...or else!
"aww, what's wrong, doll? can't sleep," he teases, voice low and sinfully smooth as smirk finds its way onto his face. "guess ya should've invested in those headphone y'keep talkin' about so much. can't help that 'm just that good that the girlies can't keep their mouths shut."
having you in front of his bedroom door like this...it's so fucking adorable to him, you were just so cute and didn't have a single clue, did you? complaining that he and his little playthings were too loud and keeping you up was not what he expected. but, toji won't lie, he's genuinely surprised it took you so long to finally say something.
it seems his little comment struck a cord, his smirk getting bigger when your eyes get just a bit wider in disbelief. man, you were so fucking cute like this, all angry and huffy.
"okay, first of all, those headphones are NOT comfy to sleep with at night. and i'm not dropping almost $400 dollars on something so that i can accommodate for you," you argue, stepping forward and jabbing your finger into his stupidly big chest.
no, seriously, why were his pecs almost bigger than your tits?
"can you please just let me sleep for one night, or are you that sex deprived you can't go a single night without getting your dick wet?"
whatever this new side of you was, he liked it.
"aww, sounds like little princess s' mad no one's fuckin' her right. ya not gettin' fucked good, pipsqueak? haven't seen yer boy-toy around lately anyways.
"god, that's—that's none of your fucking business, fushiguro, shut up!"
"make me."
you blink.
a moment passes...and suddenly, your eyes are sharp.
ah...he might've fucked up with those two simple words.
"...you know what? i will, you annoying fuck."
catching toji off guard, you shove him back, taking advantage of him stumbling to walk inside his room as you slam the door shut behind you. a light chuckle escapes him, eyebrows raises. "so, the little kitten does have claws," he says with a grin.
his little roommate seems to have grown a pair of balls. what is she gonna do? hit him with pillows, curse him out, kick him out? pffft, if you kicked him out he would know you needed sleep, you both have been friends for too long...right?
as toji gets slightly worried he might've genuinely crossed a line (a bit too late to realize that, he realizes), you push him onto his bed, standing between his legs.
oh.
oh, he...he likes you from his angle, looking down at him with a little bit of a pout on those pretty full lips of yours as you try soooo hard to look angry and scary. but how can he be scared when his roommate, the one he's been fucking his hand for, looks so fucking cute?
curly hair a bit frizzy and messy (he's surprised you don't have your bonnet on yet), smelling like cocoa butter and that strawberry shortcake body spray that haunts him at night. and now you're in his fucking room. he'd never be able to escape it now.
fuck, every time you came close to him, he just suddenly couldn't process anything except you...he needed to get a grip.
propping himself up on his elbows, toji locks eyes with you, playing off his surprise. "what's gotten into ya, roomie? so aggressive, might have t' call shiu to come get you," he attempts to playfully poke. the tension in the room grows when you start to massage your temples, trying to calm down.
in.
out.
in.
out.
in-
"well, if lack of sleep is gettin' you all huffed up like this, i gotta couple o' ways t' tire ya out if y'need."
"oh my god, y'talk too fucking much," you grumble.
toji opens his mouth, ready to make another smart comment but he's shocked into silence when you tug your pajama pants off. there's no fucking way this is real. toji knows he has to be dreaming and knowing he'd be waking up with a wet spot in his pants if he didn't wake up soon.
and...are you wearing hello kitty boxer briefs too? god, you're such a fucking dork, it's cute and it's only making him harder in his pants.
but all of that is forgotten when you hook your fingers in the waistband of those stupid looking boxers and drag them down those pretty legs and toji gets a glimpse of your cute, pudgy tummy and...and....
fuck.
he doesn't even get a chance to think, he's so fucking hard. you're fucking half naked in his room right now and he can't tear his eyes away from how soft you look, that little patch of hair (is it shaped like a fucking heart? jesus fucking christ, you were serious about making yourself feel pretty everywhere), god, he's so fucked.
"shit. someone's eager. just couldn' wait to-"
"i'm so sick of you," you cut off, pushing him down onto the bed, crawling up his chest. you give him a look, one that he instantly understands and he smirks, giving you a nod before you continue moving until your hips hover over his face.
the smirk melts off his face when he realizes how real this is. your bare pussy is literally mere inches away from his mouth, so close he can practically taste you.
he's not gonna make it out of this alive, is he?
when you see him about to open his mouth to make another stupid comment, you move, pressing your hips down onto his face, shutting him up. "you wanna use your mouth so much, toj? i'll give you somethin' to use it on."
toji's response is just a muffled groan, his eyes fluttering a little. his hands move up to grip your thighs to steady you and also keep you on his face. he hasn't even tasted you, but shit, you smell so good.
wasting no more time, his tongue hungrily darts out, desperate to taste you. the moment he licks over your folds, he's sighing, melting into the bed. you're so soft, so sweet and he hasn't even gotten a taste from the main source. pulling you down onto his face a bit harder, toji finally swipes through your cunt and he's addicted.
"mmh, fuck," he grunts, burying his face as deep as possible. what the actual fuck are you made of, he thinks to himself. you taste so sweet, he's getting so dizzy as he starts to messily lap up all the slick dripping from your pussy. he barely pulls away from you to breathe, taking just a second to part, his hot breath fanning against the wet mess between your legs before he dives right back in, his low groans resonating against your core so nicely.
toji slurps loudly at your cunt, unable to stop himself from rolling his hips up, the friction of his sweats on his cock a sweet relief. he's so sure this is heaven, thanking whatever god there is for making you snap to this point but then you start talking.
you sigh, hips gently rocking against toji's face as your eyes open to look down your body at him. "mmn, 's better," you purr to yourself, little sweet noises of pleasure escaping you as one of your hands runs through his hair, giving him an encouraging little tug.
"should i just give you my pussy every night so you let me sleep, toj," you coo at him, a smug smile on your face. he didn't even notice his eyes slipped shut, but he opens them, flickering up to meet your lidded gaze and see the pride swirling around your eyes.
has his roommate always been like this? toji doesn't remember you being so fucking sexy like this. sure, you've always been attractive, and he's definitely had a thing for you for a while. but never in his life did he think his sweetheart of a friend would be smushing his face into her soft cunt.
his response is a little nod and an increase in his tongue's movements against your sloppy pussy. his lips move to suck right at your puffy clit, and he swears nearly cums when you gasp his name and whine, pulling him even deeper by his hair.
his train of thought is completely destroyed, he can't think of anything but you, can't feel anything but you, can't see, can't smell, can't taste anything but you.
he'd kill a man if it meant being able to taste you like this every fucking day.
"ohh, tojibaby, y'look s' pretty eating my pussy...poor thing, jus' needed something to shut you up for a bit."
scratch that, he'd kill SEVERAL men if it meant hearing you sing praises like that while you grind against his mouth, practically suffocating him with your thighs.
it's addicting, the way slick is gushing out of you each time he kisses your clit before sucking on it, coating his mouth. toji knows he looks a wreck, but he doesn't care, not when he's got you on him like this.
"d'you wanna make me cum, toj?" you ask it so teasingly, tugging his hair again and making him moan. "you're makin' out with my pussy...such a good boy for me."
those two words are his undoing, a visible shift in his energy. his eyes are sharp, and he almost looks angry as he grips your thighs even harder. "yes, fuck, yeah, mama, i wanna make you cum all over my face," he growls, tongue unrelenting when it slips back inside of your cunt, a nasty wet noise filling the air as you keen. he's fucking you with his tongue so messily, like he'll die if he stops tasting you.
good boy. you called him a good boy.
the compliment made something snap in him, the need to devour you whole the only thing on his mind. he's not just a good boy, no, he's your good boy, and the thought of being yours makes a thick bead of precum to drip out of his cock and stain his sweatpants.
he's brought back when you tug his head back to look at you, that thick tongue of his slipping out of you.
"i don't want you bringing anymore fucking women in my house, fushiguro," you warn, glaring down at him. you're serious. if you see another girl come in here at 11pm, you might actually kill this man in his sleep and not in a way he'd like
"i'm so tired of hearing their annoying moans. if you need a pussy to put your stupid dick in, just ask me, you fuckin' idiot." shit, you usually never talk like this, but toji likes this side of you. the usually sweet and kind roommate he was so used to was no where to be seen, replaced with this commanding and no-nonsense woman who knew what she wanted.
he can't even deny, this side of you is such a massive turn on.
"promise you're gonna let me fuckin' sleep n' i'll cum on your pretty mouth, fushiguro. otherwise, i'm getting up and i'll call shiu and see if he wants a taste."
oh, fuck no. no way in hell is toji letting that smug bastard see you like this, best friend or not.
he desperately nods, just wanting you to let go of his hair so he can dive back into your sweet pussy, licking his lips to taste you again.
"promise, mama, no more bringing other women, jus' you, don't need nobody else but you, y'got my word."
"that's my good boy."
once you let go of his hair, toji dives right back to the task at hand like man possessed. his lips press against your clit, kissing it with little wet smacks before sucking it into his mouth. his tongue doesn't give you a break, flicking over it rapidly. your moans, god, your moans are getting so loud and so pretty, his eyes never leaving your face as he watches you get closer and closer.
"c'mon, doll, please," he begs, a whininess in his voice as he massages your thick thighs, encouraging you to ride his face until you cream all over it. "give it t' me, give me what i wan', cum all over my face, baby girl."
feeling how you start to move your hips, a sweet little 't-toji, 'm gonna cum' falling from your lips, his hands grasp your ass as he seals his mouth over your cunt, sucking and licking desperately.
he needs it.
he needs you.
needs you so fucking bad.
feeling him mutter those words against your cunt makes you gasp and choke out his name, thighs squeezing around his head. "oh, fuck, toji, 'm cummin, baby!" your hands are both in his hair as you desperately hump against his mouth, body shaking with the force of your orgasm.
he doesn't stop, he keeps his mouth on you to make sure not a drop of your sweet cum goes to waste. he can feel it spilling out of his mouth, down his chin and neck. it's so messy, just how he likes it.
he watches you, how could he even think to take his eyes off you? you're so pretty, do you even realize how your hair got puffier and messier from your sweating, how a few of those tiny curls got stuck to your skin?
"g-god, fuck, toj, hoohmygod, your mouth 's so good, nngh!"
shit, you're pretty, so fucking pretty, what the fuck? god, you even cum pretty, toji's so fucked. why didn't he get you on his face like this sooner?
feeling your tremors start to subside, toji slows his tongue, switching to little licks and then to soft kisses against your clit, keeping you grounded as you come down from your high. the fact he didn't paint the inside of his sweatpants white is a miracle, but he knows the front is wet and stained.
when he feels you relax, toji guides you off his face and down to sit on his chest. he can't help the twinkle in his eye, grinning at you proudly. the bottom half of his face is a mess, covered in his spit and your slick. you like this look on him.
"has anyone ever told you that you've got t'most addicting pussy ever?"
you huff a laugh, urging him to move up further on the bed until his back rests against the pillows. he was so annoying, and you hated how attractive it made him. “you’re too awake for my liking," you sarcastically huff, giving him a sweet little pout that makes him feel a bit more things than he probably should.
tugging his sweatpants down, you let out a little noise of surprise.
ah.
it all makes sense now. no wonder those girls sounded like they were dying.
"toji, what the actual hell is wrong with you?!"
"don't get mad at me, ma, i didn't magically make my dick this size! i just got lucky!"
"lucky?! girl, this is a curse, how the fuck did those girls fit this thing in them?!"
"they didn't."
that makes you pause. they couldn't get him all the way inside? glancing down at his cock, heavy in your hand, as he helps to get his pants completely off, you're not surprised. but you could take it, right?
...guess you need to find out.
shifting your hips, you move to swipe his cock through your slick pussy, a smug look on your face when he sharply inhales. "i'm gettin' my revenge, pretty boy, for all the sleep you made me lose. 's late, anyways, yeah? don't we need to sleep soon?"
the head of his cock catches onto your entrance, causing you both to sigh in pleasure. this would be a stretch, but you're determined by pure spite from toji and those women keeping you up at night.
while you're teasing him, toji is a breath away from losing his mind. the sight of you taking charge, hair completely fluffy now from the humidity in the room, has his cock pulsing in your soft hand. he's so sure that you're not gonna be able to take it all in. shit, he's wondering if he should stop you, tell you he's gotta prep you first or else it's gonna hurt, but you use your free hand to grab his face, making him look at you as an evil grin breaks out on your face.
"i'm gonna put you t' sleep with my pussy. uhm, something something, call that pussy nyquil," you giggle, slipping the tip of his cock inside of your wet, tight little cunt.
melting, that's the best way toji can describe the feeling of behind inside you, even if it's just the tip. "jesus," he hisses, his hands coming up to grip your hips. you're so hot inside, your tight walls are so snug around him. there's no way this tight cunt of yours is gonna be able to fit him in, there's not fucking way.
despite that, he finds himself guiding you down onto him, trying his hardest not to buck up into you. but the sensation of your soft, gummy walls squeezing him so perfectly is making it so challenging to stay still.
"fuck, mama...shit," he groans, watching as he is sucked into your warm pussy. once you get halfway, he expects you to stop, and that's usually where they all do. he was fine with that, more than fine, because he's never been inside someone so fucking tight.
but then, you raise your hips until just the tip is inside, and with a devious little giggle, you slam your hips down, gasping when you get him in all the way. damn, you realize it was a stupid idea, the stretch making you feel almost sick, but the reaction you get out of toji is worth it.
his head falls back against the headboard, and he whimpers, eyes rolling back into his skull, his lip pulled between his teeth as he tries to relearn how to think.
“i'm gonna make you cum and ‘m gonna fuck you stupid for not letting me sleep, fushiguro.” giving yourself a bit to get used to his size, you slowly started moving, seeing what angle worked best for you.
meg the stallion, i'm gonna make you proud of me, you think with a little smirk before you steady yourself with your hands on his chest and start to bounce your hips, your cute little threat only making his cock throb inside you.
"'m gonna make you regret bein' an asshole to your pretty roommate, pretty boy."
it doesn't take long for it to get messy, for it to get so fucking sloppy and noisy. each time you bring your hips down, the room is filled with a wet smack. you've really made a mess out of him, your sticky wet coating his fat cock and his lap, thick strands of it connecting you to him with each raise of your hips before you bring them right back down.
toji can't breathe, finally tilting his head back up as his eyes are glued to where his cock slips in and out of you. you're taking him, taking all of him into your sticky cunt and, shit, he thinks he might die like this.
"fuck, fuck, mama, c'mon, don' do this t' me, relax, please, fuckin' strangling my cock, oh my god—"
he's whining, it's so cute. who knew you could get toji fushiguro, mr. tough guy, to crumble under you like this so easily? it's so wet and gushy, the sound of your thick body smacking back down on his only making his insides twist in pleasure. he can feel how fucking wet you are, dripping down his cock, down his balls, it's so unfair.
"tojiii, talk t' me," you coo at him, your sweet voice bringing him back. "don't tell me my pussy's making you dumb already, jus' started."
you did, you're literally fucking him dumb, and he doesn't know what to do or what to say, but hearing you say his name like that in-between moans as you bounce your hips up and down his throbbing shaft has his babbling in an instant.
"god, this cunt 's perfect, baby, s' fucking perfect."
“yeah? y’like my pussy, toj? like my pretty cunt creaming on you?” you roll your hips, a pretty moan leaving you when his tip nudges against that soft spot perfectly. “f-fuck, you really are big...poor thing, no one could get it in all the way? am, mh, am i the first t’ take this fat cock t’ the hilt, tojibaby?”
you lean forward, hands moving from his chest to around his neck as you roll your hips, swiveling them in ways that have him gushing precum all over the insides of your cunt. the squelches your cunt makes with each roll is so fucking sinful and so nasty.
"y-yeah, mama, she feels s' good around me, all tight and warm, milking my cock like it's made just for you."
god, you smell so good...he can still smell your perfume and the sweet blueberry scent of your leave-in. you smell so sweet and taste so sweet too, he's so fucking lucky to have you fucking him like this. toji's hands move from your hips to your ass, helping you fuck yourself on his dick, groaning your name.
"god, you're the first to take it all, y'got me so fucking deep in that sloppy lil' cunt that y'can feel me in your stomach."
you giggle between moans, pressing your forehead against his. "y'so cute, toji, such a good boy f' me, yeah? feels so much better knowin' you can just tell me if you need me to put you to sleep, right?"
he groans, nodding as his eyes flutter closed again. "y-yeah, yes, baby, feels s' much better," he admits, breathless as he starts to get close. he can feel you getting tighter, getting wetter, and he'll be damned if he cums before you do.
"aww, listen t' you," you say with a little whine, your dominant mask starting to ebb away as you start to grow weaker and weaker. it's starting to feel good, really good, to the point where you can't think either, and you don't know how much more of this you can do. "m-my pretty boy, my good boy, f-fuckin' me s...s-so good..."
the moment he picks up the whininess in your voice, toji is alert, looking into your eyes to find that the pleasure is finally catching up to you, too. "yeah? yeah, mama? she's feelin' good? fuck, 'm gonna fuckin' fill you up, baby, gotta cream this pretty pussy so deep that she feels it f' days," he grunts, mouth open as he pants against your lips.
they look so pretty, he wonders if you taste like that lip balm you always carry, if your tongue is as sweet as you are, if your plump lips are as soft as they look. the thought of them pressing against his is what breaks him, and he's so embarrassed at the noise he makes before leaning back against the pillows and planting his feet into the mattress.
"i gotta fuck you, gotta fuck you good, 'm sorry, 'm so sorry, baby, promise i'll let you sleep, promise i'll be good for ya, okay? mm, fuck, c'mon, let toji make it better, gonna kiss your cunt with my cock and make it up t' ya."
toji fucks into your hole desperately, groaning at the loud wet plaps of his hips smacking against yours. your moans, god, your moans, they're so pretty, you're so pretty. he can see your tits bouncing against the fabric of the shirt you have on, and he curses, so fucking mad he didn't have you take it off. but he doesn't care, not right now, not when he sees how gorgeous you look.
he's so fucking prideful when he sees how poofed out your hair is, bouncing with each thrust up into you. "y're so fucking pretty, c'mere."
one of his hands grabs you by the back of the head and smushes his lips against yours, hungry as he licks over them before shoving his stupidly thick tongue inside your mouth. the kiss is just as messy as the rest of you, and the pitiful little moan you give has him reeling.
"i-i'm, 'm gonna cum, toj," you whisper against his mouth, nails biting into his shoulders as you do your best to match his pace. you're gonna cum, he's gonna make you cum, you're about to cum all over his fucking dick, jesus christ.
"fuck, you're so hot, so cute, mama, my pretty girl. need ya t' cum, dolly, can y'do that for me? please, baby, cum on me, make a mess s' i can fill you up an' apologize like i promised," he rambles before kissing you again, biting your lip before running his tongue over it.
it's so close, you can taste it. it's so unfair how big his cock is, how you can feel every vein and throb of it inside of you, how you can feel his hot precum smudging all over your velvety walls.
the realization that he's inside you raw has you moaning so sweetly, and your pussy is gripping him for dear life as you dig your nails into his shoulders even more, head falling forward. "t-toji, 'm, 'm gonna—f-fuck!"
you're cumming, you're cumming on him, and it feels so fucking good. you're creaming all over his lap, and your crying and moaning his name so sweetly he feels like he's gonna pass out. "baby, babyyy, no, lemme see, lemme see you cum," he begs, the hand in your hair tilting your head back up and the view he gets has his hips stuttering inside you.
your eyes are unfocused, long lashes wet from tears as you pant and whimper for him, all for him. and when you make eye contact with him, he feels your gummy walls squeeze him so tight.
"oh, fuck, yes, mama, jus' like that. keep cummin' on me, keep goin', 'm so close, gonna cum, gonna cum in this pretty pussy s' fuckin' deep you feel it in your tummy," toji babbles before he's losing himself too, pressing your head against his chest as he fucks into you, savoring your overstimulated cries for him. "'s gonna go deep, so fuckin' deep an' i'm gonna fuckin' eat it outta you, just like y-you fuckin' deserve—!"
with a pathetic sounding groan of your name, he's giving one, two, three, four hard, deep thrusts, moaning as he pumps his thick load into you, feeling your oversensitive pussy milking him dry. "g-good boy, g'fucking boy, tojiii," you whimper, moving from his chest to pepper kisses all over his face, moaning softly as you feel his hot cum coating your walls.
his mind is so blissfully blank that he doesn't even realize he's shaking a little bit from how hard he just came. cooing happily at him, you cup his cheeks, trying to bring him back down to you. "come back t' me tojiiii, don't die on me, roomie!"
still reeling from his insanely intense orgasm, manages a little chuckle, his hand moving from your ass to under your shirt, stroking your back. "'m here, 'm here, promise...i just...shit. ya fuckin' drained me, girly. what the hell are you?"
you laugh, kissing the corner of his mouth before nestling under his chin to catch your breath. "I'm your damn friend who happens to be the roommate you have been tormenting by not letting me sleep, dumbass."
"heh. fair point."
you both stay like this for a bit, just resting a little and trying to catch your breath. except...toji's eyes feel a little heavy, and he feels himself drifting away. "there you goooo," you coo, hand running through his hair. "told ya i'd put you to sleep."
"yeah, yeah, you were right," he grumbles and opens an eye, hand coming up to pinch your cheek. "jus' a lil' nap, okay? we still gotta get you cleaned up. after all, i promised i'd clean my cum outta ya, right?"
"my god, toji, you are nasty."
"but you like ittttt."
you couldn't stop yourself from laughing because, yes, you did. you liked it a lot.
soon, the room falls quiet as toji's breathing falls into rhythm with yours, the rise and fall of his chest steady and slow. his mind is still a bit dazed, and he can't help but get a little flustered as he realizes how badly he's wrapped around your little finger. the thought is only further confirmed when he feels his heart squeeze just a bit when he notices you fell asleep on his chest.
he wraps his arms around you in a gentle embrace, huffing to himself. yeah, so what he was whipped, he finally got you in his arms, so he sees it as a win.
as sleep finally starts to creep up on him, he presses a little kiss to your forehead, leaning back against the pillows and shutting his eyes. just a little nap, and then he'll get you cleaned up and make sure you accept his apology for everything he's put you through.
...he just hopes you won't be too grumpy when you realize you fell asleep without your bonnet on.
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You Call It Madness But I Call It Love
Chapter 16: Please Come Back To Me
Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV
Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy. This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter sixteen of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)
Word Count: 7.6K (You know you love it)
Warnings: References to sex, Cursing, Angst, Alot of Angst, Crying, Heartbreak, Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC, Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.
Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!
Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics
Series Masterlist
Masterlist
Additional Warning: This chapter contains severe amounts of fluff and angst. Ben is SUPER OOC and really soft in this chapter, I will not apologize for that, but I will say you're welcome 😉 If you don't like either of those things, then probably shouldn't read this?
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When you wake up you think you dreamed it all, but one look at your blotchy red face in the mirror of your bathroom, dried snot on your shirt, and your inability to find your phone means that it did happen.
Ben was back and you didn't know where to go from here.
Bits and pieces of the conversation explode in your head like fireworks and your grip on the bathroom sink tightens so much that the countertop cracks beneath your hands.
Shit.
You extract your fingers from the marble that crumbled like gravel in your iron grip and glance down at your watch. You’d been asleep for 7 hours, which meant that now it was 10 pm and you probably weren't going to sleep tonight.
As if you could after everything that just happened.
Honestly, you were surprised that you had been able to, but you figured it was just the exhaustion of everything that happened, the heartbreak, the shouting, the tears, the inability of you to let go of the past, and Ben's confession of love that you waited 80 years to hear. You had wondered in the past if he wanted to say it the night that you decided to come with him, if he really did care for you as much as you cared for him all these years. Now that you knew, you wish you didn't. You wish that you could let him go, let go of the things that happened all those years ago, and wish that you hadn't fallen for him and expected him to catch you.
You think about crawling back into bed and hugging your pillow until you fall asleep so you don’t have to think about Ben. You wince at the thought of his name.
He apologized, admitted that he loved me, said that what he did was wrong, said that he wouldn’t leave- The urge to cry lodges in the back of your throat. How do I have any tears left?
You think about how much you wanted to run to him, to throw yourself into his arms, but you knew that you shouldn't want to. Ben broke you. What he did weighed on your heart everyday, but you wanted to forgive him.
How can I still want him as much as I do? How can I want him to fix this even after he did everything he could to push me away?
The look in his eyes when he confessed his feelings to you flashes through your mind in black and white.
Ben admitted weakness, said that he was scared of all things. Ben wasn't afraid of anything.
Over 40 years of friendship meant that you knew every part of him, but the part you had seen in your apartment, him practically begging you to forgive him was not one that you were used to and was not one that you had ever seen.
It was unusual for him to look broken and vulnerable.
The closest you'd ever come to seeing it was on the nights back in Philadelphia when he tapped on your window, on nights when his father gave him a hard time and Ben needed a place to crash. When the look in his eyes made you want to pull him into your arms and never let him go, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that he wasn't a disappointment. Because despite everything with Countess, Ben wasn't a disappointment to you.
Everything was easier when you were kids, when Ben would fall asleep beside you in your bed and when you woke up in his arms, you wished that he did it on purpose.
I guess he was trying to say that he did it on purpose. You sigh as you walk into your closet to find a soft t-shirt while avoiding the duffle bag that you threw inside the double doors before you collapsed onto the bed.
But even if he was sorry, how do I know he won’t just act like the boy I used to know and tomorrow pretend he doesn’t exist? It was so easy for him to do that, to say that I meant nothing to him, to act like he didn't care.
You think about the morning after your birthday, when he looked soft and happy in your bed and how quickly he shifted into the cold mask he wore as Soldier Boy. How easy it was for him to push you away and ignore you, act like you didn’t exist and cling to Countess at the premiere.
How do I know he won’t do that again? How can I trust him? How can I forget everything he did?
You think about the night you found him with Countess, think about the moments before at the premiere, when she made you believe that you were the ugly little girl who watched Ben prance around your birthday party with Missy Callahan. Your mind stutters on her name, remembering the last time you heard it in conversation on the night that you wished would never end.
"Don't be jealous of Missy Callahan. She's nothing compared to you. Never has been, never will be."
You hear Ben whisper it to you while your song played and remember that it made you feel like you were floating, made you feel understood and seen for the first time in your life. The memory of the night you spent together rises to the surface and you allow yourself to remember, remember how it felt to finally have him completely, how much it meant to you for him to be there with you, and how he made you feel special and loved.
Your jaw clenches as the image of him with Countess sours the memory of the perfect night you had together, as the memory of the words he shouted at you rip through the happy glow you had the morning after your birthday when you told him everything you'd always wanted to.
And then the memory of what he said to you a few hours ago rises.
"We made love. I understood that when I woke up the next morning and I was happy to be there with you. I knew that I loved you and I wanted to tell you, but I fucked it all up instead. I fucked Countess because I was scared of what loving you meant. But I'm ready now, I'm not scared anymore. I love you!"
Damn it why does it have to be like this. You clench your teeth together in anger and frustration. Why did he have to do this? Why did I have to love him? Why couldn't he have just stayed gone? Why did he have to come here-
"No. I love you and I'm not leaving!"
The words reverberate around in your skull, shaking through your body like an avalanche, shaking the foundation that you built to push him away. Because you didn't want to. You didn't want him to leave. You didn't want him to leave ever again. But you weren't sure if you could survive again if he did that again. If you opened your heart to him only to have him crush it under his heel all over again.
It was so long ago. 40 years. 40 years that he said he spent regretting what he said that night. We both said things that night.
Sometimes you wondered if Ben was as broken as you were after the fight. You think about how he looked when you went into your room and think about what he said.
Maybe he was.
Apart of you didn’t want to forgive him and didn’t believe that he really understood what he did to you. The other part wanted to leave your apartment and find him, ask him to stay, forgive him and let him back in to your heart.
More frustrated tears slip down your cheeks as you look for a pair of your soft sweatpants. When you walk out of your closet you think about going back to bed again, but you knew that sleep wouldn't come.
Maybe I should call Rosie. She'd be proud of me for not forgiving him, but probably would be mad that he came here. And I should probably tell her that I didn't have to go to Russia.
That thought gives you the strength to leave your bedroom, bare feet padding down the cool floors of the hallway back to your living room. The lights are all off, save from one single lamp on the coffee table next to the plush leather couch, the same one that you'd thrown Ben over when he grabbed your arm.
But when you cross from the hallway into the living room, you realize that you aren't alone.
Ben is sitting on the couch, leaning forward on his forearms, a blunt perched in his right hand where his arm rests against his knee, looking down at his feet. He looks up at you when you walk in, eyes piercing in the warm light of the lamp, familiar in a way that almost makes you start crying all over again.
"What are you still doing here? I thought I told you-" You begin to say, voice hoarse from crying, trying to summon up enough anger to push him away, but then your eyes shift to your kitchen counter.
A pretty glass vase of fresh cut lavender sits on the counter, the sharp clean smell floats through the air soothing the anger and frustration that you drew on to speak.
Despite your age and the way most considered them to be classic, you thought that over the years roses had become generic. But you loved lavender. It reminded you of the country home your family lived at over the summers when your mother declared that the smog in the city was too much and you all needed a holiday. She always seemed softer in the countryside, all the sharp edges of the city melting away. She didn’t snipe at your figure or your paint stained hands, if anything she gave you more freedom. You spent your summers outside in the garden staring up at the clouds missing Ben, painting and sketching, while the smell of the flowers enveloped your senses. You used to send letters to him and some sketches of flowers or small painted doodles after pressing fresh lavender into the envelopes so they would smell like it when they got to him. You wanted him to think of you whenever he smelled lavender.
He remembered how much I loved lavender?
Your eyes shift to the cigar box that lays open next to it, focusing on the slips of paper that seem to spill out over your countertop.
Are those-
You reach into the box and pull out the yellowed pages of letters delicately, eyes drifting across the paper, recognizing your handwriting, remembering the painstaking moments you spent writing them to Ben, hoping that he got them, and hoping that he missed you as much as you missed him. Underneath the ones from the summers are the ones that you sent him when he was at boarding school and then finally the faded pencil sketches and faded watercolor paintings you sent him. Each piece is folded and refolded as if someone continued to look at them over and over again.
Your fingers drift over a small doodle that you did of Ben and you sitting on a bench in Philadelphia, the one that captured you laughing at something Ben said.
It was so much easier then.
“You kept them?” You breathe while looking down at the pages.
Ben stands from the couch, putting out the blunt in one of the decorative glass ashtrays on your coffee table, watching you with the same expression in his eyes that he had when you were there earlier, when you told him to leave and not come back.
"Ben-" Tears begin to fall all over again as you meet his gaze.
"I hated those summers when you were gone. I used to sleep in your room and read the letters." He whispers. "It made me realize how much I needed you in my life. I never needed anyone before." His jaw clenches together as if the thought makes him angry.
“You asked me once why I didn’t stay at those schools. It’s because when I was at all those shitty boarding schools the only thing I could think about was getting back to you, coming back home.”
The word rings in the air between you and you suddenly understand what he is saying, remember what he said the day you were together at your first baseball game and you asked him why he didn't like staying at the boarding schools.
"I don't like being there. It's not home." He had said it so casually, but you remember being confused at his reply, but now you know.
He was saying that home was with you and it made your heart feel like it was ripping itself in half because you were still so angry with him but you didn’t want to be. Not when he was saying the very thing you’d known from the beginning. That being with him was home.
“Ben-“ You say, trying to strengthen your resolve, trying to summon the anger you’ve kept close to your heart for forty years.
"Every time I came to see you, tapped on your window I thought you would push me away, turn your back on me and you never did. And when all this supe shit happened I needed you with me too, that's why I asked you to come with me. Those years before and when we were on Payback, you put up with all my shit. Even when I did horrible things to other people, you stood by me. You know more about me than anyone else, have known me for longer than anyone else-" He takes a cautionary step forward.
Tears continue to fall from your eyes, sobs shaking your shoulders, but you can't speak.
"That night with you, felt different. Even before when we were at that restaurant it was different. I didn't want to leave. It was like nothing changed, like we were in your room again just talking, before all this, when we were still in Philadelphia. The only memories that I have from Philadelphia that are worth remembering are the moments I spent with you. And when I asked if I could come back to your place I-" He sighs rubbing the back of his neck. "I thought you would say no, but you didn't. And then you told me that you had wanted me almost as much as I'd wanted you all those years, that you needed me. I always thought that it was only me that needed you."
"Ben I can't-" You voice breaks looking away from him.
Ben is close enough now that his fingers come under your chin to tilt your face up to his. “I shouldn’t have said what I said or did what I did. I didn’t want to need anyone. I thought that I had to push you away because loving you meant I was weak. But it’s not true. Loving you is the only good thing that I’ve ever done and loving you is the only thing that makes me strong.”
You close your eyes to avoid his gaze, you wanted to believe him, but you weren’t sure that you could.
"I've fucked a lot of women in my life y/n, I won't apologize for that. But I've only made love to one." His thumb brushes away another tear that falls from your eyes. "And when you told me that you wanted me to be your first, it did something to me. I wanted to be everything you needed. I didn't want just one night with you. I wanted all of them. When I woke up the next morning with you in my arms, I didn't want it to end. All those nights when I showed up at your apartment, I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to stay with you because it was home. Even when we were kids, being with you in your room it was the only place that I felt like I belonged.”
Your hand can't help but come up between the two of you, resting solidly on his chest. Apart of you wants to push him away, but you can’t.
Ben is still touching your face, holding it up to his. Your bodies are so close together that you can feel the heat of his skin through the air between you. Another tear falls and Ben's thumb brushes it away. The smell of the lavender is intoxicating, broken up only by the familiar smell of Ben's aftershave and soap.
And somehow you find your voice. It shakes, but you hold his gaze. "I hated you for a long time. What you said broke me. I was broken so many years. I still am-“
“Sweetheart-“
“No.” You inhale sharply. “I want to believe you, but I don’t think you understand what you did. I want to believe that you’ve changed but this is exactly what happened that night on my birthday. Don’t you see? How can I believe you? How do I know that you won't pretend to be everything I want, pretend that you’re the boy I fell in love with and then the next morning you’ll push me away and act like he doesn’t exist-“ Tears leave warm trails down your cheeks. "I’m not strong enough to go through that again.”
“I promise-“
“Ben you’ve promised in the past. And I-“ More tears come. “I’ve tried so hard to put it behind me. I want to believe that you’re still you but I don’t know if I can trust you again like I did.”
"Y/n." Ben looks deep into your eyes. "I didn't pretend that night. The only time I pretended not to care was in the morning and at the premiere-"
"And how do I know you won't do it again?" You sob. "When you think that it's too weak to admit that you care about me?"
"I do fucking care about you."
"You say that now."
"I love you."
"Ben I can't-"
"I said those things because I-" He sighs, shoulders tight in frustration and anger. "I thought that I needed to push you away, that I shouldn't care about anyone as much as I care about you. But I do. I fucking care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone in my life. I didn’t want to need anyone but I do. I need you. That’s why I kept showing up in your life. That’s why I spent so many nights in your bed. I couldn’t survive the night alone and I needed you with me, even after we took the damn serum.”
“But-“
“That night when you told me that asshole, Howard proposed I knew that I couldn't lose you. I didn't want you to marry that fucker. I wanted you to be with me. He didn't know you the same way I did, he didn't understand you. He didn't deserve you. And the night we danced together I called you ‘my girl’ because I wanted you to be. I wanted you to be mine. Not because I wanted to piss him off. Because I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. You’re the one, the only one.”
You drop your gaze to his chest, sobbing quietly to yourself. Ben tilts your head up towards his one more time, to look deeply into your eyes. There's an unfamiliar vulnerability that stares back at you, the same one you saw when Ben would come to your bedroom and wait for you to ask him to stay because he thought you would push him away the way everyone else did.
"I promise that I will never do that to you again. I know it doesn't make what I did or what I said okay. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix it because I can't lose you. I’ve spent forty years away from you and I don’t want to spend anymore time away. I love you. And I hate that I fucking hurt you this much."
You can see the sincerity in his eyes, hear the raw emotion in his voice, but you’re still unsure.
“Please y/n I want to fix this." He says again.
“I know you do. But you can’t just show up 40 years later And expect to fix it in one night. I know it’s not your fault that you didn’t come sooner but, you hurt me-“
“I know I did-“ his eyes drop to your shoulders as the memory of how he grabbed you that night blankets his mind.
“No not like that. Ben you don’t understand. Sorry isn’t enough. And yes hearing you say all these things was nice but it’s not enough to make me forget everything that happened.”
“But-“
“No. Ben I loved you, more than I’d ever loved anyone I-“ You shake your head tears falling fast. “I lost pieces of myself to make you happy to make sure that you had someone in your life that cared for you. I stayed for so long with you because it was all I thought I could do. And every time I thought I could leave to do something for myself you would do something to pull me back in like you had a fucking radar and knew oh if I do something that she wants I’ll get her to stay with me a little longer!”
“I knew you were unhappy! I was trying to make you happy! I wanted you to stay with me-“
“By manipulating me?”
“No it wasn’t because I wanted to manipulate you I-“ He exhales in frustration. “You told me that you wanted someone to come home to, someone who loved you, a family, I wanted to give you those things! I saw how you were looking at the other couples, I knew what you wanted. That’s why I held your hand at dinner, gave you the necklace, and that’s why I kissed you-“
“But then you pushed me away. You pushed me away when I needed you the most, when I finally said what I'd been trying to say for years.” Your voice shakes. “I can’t go to bed every night with you and wake up with the dread that you’re going to push me away again and say that I mean nothing. That you’ll be cold and unfeeling and- I can’t do that to myself again.”
“I promise I won’t-“
“I don’t know if I believe you. If I can after everything."
"Please just tell me what I can do to fix it."
"I don't know!" You shout running your fingers through your hair pulling back from him. Because you wanted him to fix it. You loved every bit of the words he said, the love he confessed to you. You loved the way he was looking at you, the way he wanted to make this up to you, but your heart wouldn't let go. It couldn't let go of the things he shouted at you, couldn't let go of the image of him and Countess, couldn't forget how happy you were to tell him you loved him and then he just acted like you were nothing. The words he said that night begin to circulate, bringing you deeper into the dark pit that threatened to swallow you whole, the pit that you'd fallen into when you thought he died.
"Ben I-" Your voice catches in your throat. "I wish that I knew what you could do to fix this. I want you to. I want to forget all of it. And I want to forgive you because I still fucking love you, but I can't do it in one day. I can’t -" And despite your better judgement you crumple against his chest, tears smearing against the front of his shirt, body shaking with sobs, and trying hard to not think how it feels the same as it always has to be pressed against him.
Ben's arms come up around you to wrap you in his embrace, tucking your head under his chin as he begins to drag his hand up and down your back in a soothing motion.
The gentleness of his touch makes you cry harder against him, hold on to him so tight that you think you'll break him in half, but he doesn't complain, he just stands there with you. It reminds you of when he came to hold you in the hotel room when your brother died, when he drove for hours to be there for you. Because despite everything that had happened between you, Ben was always there with you before that night with Countess.
You don’t know how long you standing there together, but finally Ben picks you up and carries you down the dark hallway to your bedroom and deposits you on the bed.
He waits a minute on the edge, standing as if he's unsure, brow scrunched up in frustration and anger.
"I didn't mean to hurt you this fucking much. And I don’t know how to-“ His jaw tenses and he shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut like he can't look at you. “I don’t know how to- fuck- I can’t lose you.” Ben grips his hair so tightly you think he’s going to pull it out.
“Ben.” You sigh and despite everything , you stand up from the bed to hug him, allowing him to press his head into your shoulder and hug you so tight it hurts. It breaks something deeper in your chest because you can see how broken he is, how much he wants to fix this, and how much of him he was willing to let you see.
You didn't understand how he was being so open, how he was allowing himself to be like this after all the bullshit toxic masculinity he usually spouted and how he pushed away his feelings for so long. You wondered if after this he would push you away because you had seen him like this, or if he really did love you and that was why he was doing it.
“It’s okay.” You soothe, running your hands up and down his back. “It’s alright.”
But you’re not sure it is.
"If you still want me to leave I will. I can sleep on the couch.” Ben whispers. The emotion that flashes in his eyes when he says it, breaks your heart. It's vulnerable and raw, so different that the mask Ben wore as Soldier Boy. “But please don’t make me go.”
"I don't want you to go." You whisper. “Even after everything. I want you here with me, it’s just hard.”
“I’m sorry-"
“I know you are Ben.” You both stand there for a minute and you weigh your options.
You think about making him go back out on the couch, making him sleep alone, but you don’t want that. You knew that you’d spend the whole night thinking about him. And as much as a part of you wanted to push him away, you couldn't. So you do the opposite.
You take his hand and gently entwine your fingers with his. Ben stares down at them for a moment confused, before you sit on the bed, scooting back and tugging softly, but he hesitates.
“Are you sure?” He asks in a whisper, gaze raising from your hands to catch your eye.
You nod once tugging his hand again and this time he follows you down into the mattress.
He slides in next to you beneath the covers, keeping your hands entwined between the two of you so that they are locked against his chest as you face one another on the bed, heads resting on different pillows, but close enough that you can feel his warm breath every time he exhales.
Ben's eyes search yours. “I tried to call after. I picked up the phone but every time I did I couldn’t-“ He sighs. "I was such a fucking pussy. I didn't know what to say. I should have just come over-"
"I wouldn't have let you in." You breathe. "I didn't want to see you, didn't want to see anyone. Stan Edgar tried to come talk to me and I broke his nose."
"Really?" Ben smiles.
"Yeah." You try to smile back, but you can't.
Ben raises his free hand to push back your hair and tuck it behind your ear, but his eyes drop to your shoulders tracing the imaginary bruises that he left behind all those years ago. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t mean to-“
You press your lips into a tight line. “I think that’s the only time I’ve ever been afraid of you.” You say in a whisper. You hadn’t wanted to admit it aloud, but it was true. You had been angry and heartbroken, but the fact that Ben had laid a hand on you, was prepared to hurt you had scared you. It was what solidified that the thought that boy you loved was gone.
But the look on his face breaks something inside you, pain and anguish flashing in his eyes.
"Ben-" You sigh, shifting forward closer to him, but he releases your hand and instead wraps his arm around your waist to pull you into his chest, pressing his head into your shoulder. You know that he can't say what he's thinking right now, but he doesn't have to.
“I also remember doing something to you.” You say because you don't know what else to, you’re not used to seeing him look so broken.
“I deserved it.” He mumbles into your shirt.
“You didn’t deserve what I said about your dad-“
“I did. You were right.”
“Ben you’re not like him.”
“But I am. Everything I did to you, is something he would have done.” He mutters, pulling you tighter against him. “I don’t know how to fucking fix this.”
“This is helping a little bit.” You whisper against your better judgement, while you inhale his shampoo and lean further into his chest. It was weird to be here with him after all these years, after all the years you spent hating him. You didn't want to forgive him, you wanted to be angry but at the same time you wanted to believe him, you wanted to believe that the boy you fell in love with was still there.
And laying here with him holding you the way you always wanted him to, made you remember that boy.
“Yeah?” He breathes, raising his head from your shoulder.
“Mhmm.”
You lay there for a minute in his embrace and it's like he never left. It's the same as when you were kids and you laid in bed together. And finally you say. "As angry as I am, I still love you. You matter too much to me for me to let you go. I think that's why it hurts so much, because you're all I had Ben and I-"
"That's why I can't lose you. You're all I have and that’s enough. You are enough. You always have been and always will be.” Ben states his eyes are wide with his confession, the pain of what he did to you flashes through them. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. But I never could think of a way to say it.”
More tears spring from your eyes and you wonder when you’ll stop crying.
Ben leans his forehead against yours. His expression softens as he looks into your eyes, his touch gentle against your cheek. “But if you’ll let me, I’d like to show you how much I love you and how sorry I am.” The look in his eyes is softer than you’ve ever seen it, reminding you of how he looked on those early mornings still half asleep and reminding you of how he looked the morning after your birthday before he ran.
You know he means well, and you understand what he’s asking, why he’s asking. He’s trying to make it up to you the only way he knows how, but you can’t do it. It's too soon. Too much after everything that happened and too much considering you're still trying to come to terms with the fact that he's here and he's finally saying everything you ever wanted him to. Not to mention that you haven't completely forgiven him.
“Ben?"
“Yeah?”
“Can you just hold me tonight?” You breathe. You felt disgusting. You had snot and tears all over your face and your cheeks were bright red and splotchy from crying. “I’m not ready for that. Not after everything. I don't think I can-”
You watch disappointment flicker in his eyes but he recovers with a soft smile. "It's okay. We can take this slow, whatever you need."
Ben drops the hand that was against your cheek and wraps his arm around your waist to pull you into his chest. You snuggle into his arms breathing in the familiar smell before bringing your arms up to wrap around the back of his neck in a tight hug.
“Did they hurt you?” You ask before you can stop yourself.
Ben’s arms tighten around you and you know that he must be remembering the past 40 years.
“What they did doesn’t matter.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t come for you." You pull back to look into his eyes. "The others told me you were dead. I wouldn’t have left you there if I knew-“
“I know.” Ben leans his forehead against yours. “I would have come for you too.”
“I know.”
“It means a lot to me that you were still willing to come get me after everything I fucking put you through.”
“That’s what love is.”
“No.” Ben whispers. “That’s you.”
“Ben-“
“I don’t deserve you. You’ve stood by me, put up with all my shit all these years and you never turned your back on me. What I did to you is unforgivable and yet you want me here with you-“
“Ben.” You sigh. “I know that I shouldn’t want you here and a part of me wants to push you away. I should make you leave, but I can’t. You’re my best friend and I love you. And that means that even though you’re the one who hurt me, you’re the only person that I want here, comforting me. As fucked up as that is, I don’t care. What you did was horrible, but I promise that I’m going to try my best to forgive you. It might take a long time, but I want to trust you again, because I love you and I never stopped.”
He frowns despite what you confessed. “You don’t regret-“
“I said a lot of things that night. And you did too." You push his hair back over his forehead. "And for the record, I don't think your father would care about making it up to someone else. We both know that he didn't care about anyone but himself. And even after everything that happened you're proving that you aren't him, right now, by being here with me."
He presses his lips together in a tight line. "Okay."
It’s quiet for a few moments as both of you stare at one another in the dim light of your bedroom.
“Have you really loved me since we were 8?” Ben whispers.
“Yeah. Since the study.” You're not sure if you should be embarrassed or not.
He smiles. “I was 10. It was the night of my mom's funeral. My dad was giving me some shit about something, but I couldn't stop thinking about you so I climbed up the tree outside your window. I wasn't going to ask you to come in, I was just going to sit on the ledge and watch you draw. I like watching you draw, it's like you're in your own little world and you forget about everything else. You always seem so happy." Ben smiles wider. "I like seeing you happy."
You remembered that night. You had a weird feeling that someone was watching you and when you looked out your window you had seen Ben sitting there. You had made a joke about him stalking you, but then invited him in. It was the first night that he had ever spent in your bed.
"And then when we woke up the next morning, you were laying there snoring-" Ben snorts.
"I do not snore." You smile with a sniffle
"You do. It's cute." Ben's smile turns softer. "And I didn't want to wake you up, because it meant that we'd have to move and I didn't want to ever move. Because moving meant that I would have to go back to my dad and I didn't want that. I just wanted to stay there with you."
More tears pour from your eyes with his confession because again you can’t see Soldier Boy, you just see Ben, but you know it’ll take a long time until you’re completely healed.
“I didn’t want to say anything. I thought that if I did you would push me away and I didn’t have anyone else that mattered in my life. And you deserved better than me. I was always getting kicked out of boarding schools I was a fuck up. A disappointment.” Ben sighs, brushing away your tears again. “Even after we took the serum I was. You deserved someone who was-“
“I didn’t think you were a fuck up, Ben. I’ve never thought that. I hate what your father said to you, what he did to you. I hate that he made you feel like you didn’t matter.” You stroke your fingertips through his hair and Ben sighs, leaning his forehead against yours and closes his eyes. “You are worth so much more than what he told you. You mean so much to me, more than anyone else ever. That’s why I never told you. I didn’t want to lose you. You’re everything to me.”
“You’re not going to lose me. I promise I’m never going to leave you again. I missed you so fucking much sweetheart.”
“I missed you too.” You continue to move your fingers through his hair. In the past you had avoided the urge to do so, but now you wanted to comfort him. Because as much as you wanted to forget the last forty years, you wondered what they had been like for him. You wanted him to tell you what they did to him.
“Feels nice.” He murmurs, arms tightening around your waist.
“Your hair’s a lot longer.” You can’t help but smile at his reaction.
“Didn’t have time to cut it.”
“So is your beard-“
“If you don’t like it I can shave it off-“
“No don’t.” You say it quickly and Ben opens one eye to smirk at you.
“Guess you like it.”
“Maybe.”
“Then I’ll keep it just for you Sweetheart.” He leans further into you. “You know I think you look pretty good too.”
You snort. “You don’t have to butter me up just because you feel bad. I’m wearing sweatpants, I haven't brushed my hair, and my face is all puffy-“
“You look beautiful.”
“Well-“
“Stop. You do.”
“Ben-“
This time Ben raises his hand to cup your chin. “Will you just let me compliment my girl?”
The nickname is familiar. You remember the last time he called you that, when you were dancing and he finally kissed you for the first time. “Do you really mean it this time?”
“I always meant it. You are mine and nothing else matters.” The look in his eyes is determined, as if he wants you to understand how much you mean to him.
“Does that mean that you're mine too?" Your voice is almost a whisper, frightened of his answer. Although he had apologized and said that he wanted to make it up to you, you were still afraid. Afraid that Ben couldn't do this.
"Y/n." Ben's expression is pained. "I promise I will never do that again. I will never hurt you like that ever. Believe me when I say that."
"I'm trying to."
“What can I do to fix it?” He asks again.
“I don’t know.”
And you don't. Because you understood that Ben was trying his hardest to make up for what happened, and yes you loved that he was like this now, but you were afraid, afraid that the next day you'd wake up and he'd be gone and Soldier Boy would be back.
Ben sighs. "I am yours and I don’t want to be anywhere else." His eyes are focused on you, determined, but filled with a softness that turns the beautiful emerald into a clover that reminds you of the soft grass at the park the day you painted him.
You weren’t used to him looking at you like that, like you were the only person in the world. It had only happened one other time, the morning after your birthday when you were more happy than you'd ever been in your entire life.
“Okay.” You whisper back because you don’t know what else to say. “Ben?”
“Mhmm?”
“What did they do to you?”
Ben’s body tenses. “It doesn’t matter now.”
"Please tell me.”
“Why?”
“Because you were there for forty years and I-“
“It doesn’t fucking matter. Just drop it.” Ben snaps, eyes blazing green.
You wait for a beat, watching the blaze of his eyes turn down to a simmer. “It’s okay to admit that the last forty years haven’t been easy. I won’t judge you for that or think less of you Ben. And if we’re going to do this, be in a relationship, you’re going to need to share things with me. It can’t be one sided-“
“It’s not going to be one sided, I just don’t want to talk about that.”
“Okay.” You sigh, settling back down next to him. You couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed. You knew that Ben kept his cards close to his chest, but you wanted him to be open with you about things like that.
The silence grows between you filled with unspoken things.
“They wanted to see if I could die, if they could make me fucking normal again.” Ben mutters into the top of your head. And then he tells you, tells you what happened that day in Nicaragua, tells you about the testing, about the nuclear bomb they put into his chest, about every single thing they did to him over the past forty years. With each revelation of the last forty years your arms tighten around his body in a hug, holding him to you while his words make anger surge in your chest like an uncontrollable fire.
How could they do that to him? How could they hurt him like that? And Payback? They were our teammates. How could they turn their back on Ben like that? Give him up so easily and not for any kind of money?
You think about what Countess confessed to you, when she said that she purposely drove you two apart.
They were right to. If they had tried any of that with me there, I would have ripped them all apart if they tried to take Ben away.
Your fingers fall into Ben’s hair, gently dragging back and forth at the base of his skull while he continues, trying to bring him some comfort.
“Ben I’m so sorry.” You say when he finishes.
“It’s okay-“
“It’s not. Nothing they did to you is okay.”
“I deserved it.”
His words make an ice cold chill travel down your spine. It was the second time that he had said something like that tonight.
“Ben.”
You lean back from him to look him in the eye, but he won’t meet your gaze. Your hands cup his cheeks, his scruff prickling against your palms as you bring his attention to you. He looks lost and it scares you. Ben never did that. He was always together, it was you that usually had that haunting look in your eyes, but you could see what they did to him reflected in the familiar green. He looked worn.
“You didn’t deserve what they did to you. No one deserves that. And yeah maybe you said some shit you shouldn’t have and maybe you did something bad, but I never want to hear you say that again. Do you understand me? Never say that again. You didn’t deserve that. And I promise you that you’re never going back. I will not let them take you again.”
Ben nods once and your hands slip from his cheeks to go around his neck once more to pull him into a tight hug.
“I didn’t mean to hurt those people.” He mutters into the top of your head remembering what happened in Mid-town.
You had heard about it through Rosemary, who had several patients who had been hurt in the explosion, not to mention every news station seemed to have it on 24/7.
“I know. It’s okay. You just lost control. It happens to all of us.” You think about killing Countess. “It doesn’t make you a bad guy.”
“Hmm.”
It was weird for Ben to allow this, to allow you to hold him, but somewhere deep down you wondered if he always wanted you to, but he just never said and didn’t want to admit it out loud.
Weirder still was that he was holding you to him too, curling his arms around you and pulling you into his chest like you belonged there. And despite everything that happened, despite how angry you wanted to be, being here with him felt like you were coming home.
“You should sleep.” He whispers after a little while, as his hand trails down your spine, moving up and down in a soothing motion.
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
“If you want me to be.”
“I wasn’t lying when I said I always want you here.” You breathe into his skin. “I lied when I said I never wanted to see you again.”
“Then I will be.” He presses a kiss to the top of your head that makes you cuddle further into him, tightening your arms were they wrap around his neck to pull him into you.
And you hope that one day it won't hurt, that one day you won't hear the words he yelled at you, and that one day you can believe and trust him again like you did.
******************************************************
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Smile for Me ~ Elbert Greetia (POV) x Reader
Entry number 6 in @judejazza's An Invitation to Crown Castle event!
Pairing: Elbert Greetia (POV) x Reader
Prompt: Linked Fingers
Genre: Hurt/Comfort-y fluff
CW: None- Elbie's just a bit of a disaster
WC: 1.6k
I wish to do something for you, so that I can see your beautiful smile again. The days have been so gloomy and grey the past weeks I feel as though your smile, too, has hidden behind the clouds.
I’ve done my best to give you beautiful things, and yet none of them seems to be able to keep the smile on your face for more than a fraction of a second. I feel darkness inside when your face is so unnaturally demure.
“I don’t know what to do, Al,” I sigh, staring out my window to where you sit in the garden gazebo, only slightly sheltered from the spattering of rain falling around you. Your eyes are fixated on the sky, a forlorn expression clouding your face and I can only imagine the same is mirrored on mine.
“Haha, you’re quite smitten with her aren’t you? Have you told her that? Have you made her feel the depth of your love?”
“I believe so. I’ve given her several gowns and jewelry to match, yet she still looks so sad. Perhaps they are not beautiful enough…”
I feel Al’s presence move directly behind me, joining me to stare out the window and watch you lament outside.
“Oh dear, she does look troubled, doesn’t she? I wonder, what time have you spent together lately, just the two of you?” Al remarks, his gloved hands flashing two fingers in front of me.
I search my memory but seem to come up short. I’ve run into you a few times and those are the times I’ve given you your gifts, but those moments had been unmistakably brief, with you running off to your room to stow away your present and I to mine as the weather had me feeling particularly tired.
I let out a deep sigh, pressing my hand against the cold glass, wishing to draw your attention to me, yet too unsure of myself to do so.
“Perhaps she’s grown tired of me?” I muse. Surely it must be exhausting having to tolerate my eccentricities. Is this possibly why you’ve not tried on your dresses for me? You may be trying to indicate that you no longer wish for me to see you dressed so beautifully. Perhaps you’re afraid of me again. I don’t mean to hurt you, but the greed in my heart is vicious and unrelenting.
“Elbert, go speak with her. I’ve not a doubt in my mind she merely wishes to be in your presence,” Alfons mutters, a pitying smirk fixed in my direction.
“It’s raining.”
“It’s been raining for several days. That hasn’t stopped you from going out to purchase things, so should you really let something so benign prevent you from going to your lover?”
“If I catch a cold, she’ll be upset with me. Could you have her come inside to see me?” I asked, withdrawing my hand from the window as a chill rushes through my body.
“This is a matter between lovers, I’m not about to jump in the middle of it. Unless you’re inviting me for some fun after reconciling, that is,” Alfons winks and strides out of the room with a jovial laugh.
A fierce sense of possessiveness wells up within me, and I have to fight down the urge to keep you locked in my room, away from the prying eyes of others. Your beautiful smile belongs to me, your debauched expression belongs to me, all of you is mine. You’ve said as much before.
I move to my wardrobe and pull a thick coat and a hooded cloak out to wear.
Silently, I make my way through the gentle rain, coming up beside you and clearing my throat.
“Elbert!” You squeak, whirling in my direction.
“You looked sad,” I state, fixing my eyes on your damp hair. “And you’ll catch a cold.”
“I’ll be fine. You can head back inside if you’d like. I’ll be in after a few more minutes.”
Your expression seems darker again and my heart twists. What can I do to draw your smile out again? The darkness doesn’t suit you.
I find my body moving of its own accord, my long fingers twining with yours and holding fast.
“Your hands are cold,” I mutter, lifting them to my lips and pressing gentle kisses against your knuckles.
“I…” your voice cuts off briefly as I allow my kisses to travel up your arm.
“Your arms are cold too.”
I let my gaze meet with yours and the faint dusting of pink on your cheeks seems to cause my heart to begin beating again. Still holding your fingers, I tug you gently closer, staring down into your dazed expression before sealing my lips over yours. The kiss is quick and soft, but it’s enough to make me feel more alive than I’ve felt in days.
“Your lips are cold.”
Your tongue darts out subconsciously, swiping at your lower lip as you stare up at me.
“Can you warm them up?”
It’s not often I feel the primal need to claim you, to seal my need for you so passionately, lest you forget who you belong to. Yet when you look at me with those desperate eyes, and ask such things of me, I’m afraid I lose myself to those feelings.
I squeeze my fingers around yours more tightly, refusing to let go as our lips dance together, sucking and nipping at one another as if we’re vying for control, to devour one another.
I can feel my blood racing through my veins as you pull away just briefly, just enough to speak.
“I think… I think I’d like to go inside now…” You whisper, breathing uneven and ragged.
I still haven’t seen your smile. You may very well be through with me, and yet your fingers still remain linked with mine as you tug me back toward the castle. Our hands never separate as we hurry through the halls and to your room.
At the closed door, I feel you pull away and an unknown fear grips me. I wrap my arms around you, holding your rain-soaked body close.
“El… I need to open the door, then we can be as close as you wish.”
Was that a chuckle? I glance down and see a shy smirk tugging at the corners of your lips and feel the blackness settled in my heart begin to dissipate.
I allow you to be free from my grasp for just long enough to open the door, after which I bundle you inside, closing the door and flicking the lock to ensure our privacy.
I stare at your face with a serious expression.
“Will you smile again?” I plead, tracing your lips with my thumb.
You seem surprised by my question, a slight frown creasing your brow for a moment. “Of course, I’ll smile again… Why would you think I wouldn’t?”
I press a kiss to your lips briefly, resting my forehead against yours.
“You’ve not smiled in such a long time. Not truly. I tried to make you smile with the beautiful things but the smile faded so quickly,” I admit, a tightness in my chest constricting at the confession.
“You bought them to make me smile?” You ask incredulously.
“Is that so surprising?”
“I thought you were giving them to me because they were no longer beautiful to you, I had no idea you’d been trying to make me smile!”
You blush a bright red, as you lift your hands to cover your face.
“Please don’t hide your face from me,” I beg, my lips beginning to tremble.
Your shoulders shake and I step back in shock. I hadn’t meant to make you cry…
“Shall I leave?” I whisper.
Your shaking seems to intensify as laughter spills out of your hands.
Laughing…?
“Have I said something funny?” I ask, slipping my fingers between yours to pull them away from your face.
Your eyes are clenched shut but your mouth is unmistakably shining with happiness. When you finally open your eyes, you leap up, wrapping your arms around my neck and pulling me into a deep kiss.
I’m afraid I’m unsure of what to do with myself, my heart feels as though it may burst with how quickly my emotions have been changing.
“I’m sorry for misunderstanding, I truly thought that you have been too busy for me, and with the weather as it’s been, I’ve been feeling very lonely.”
“Lonely?”
“I just want to spend time with you. I don’t need beautiful things to make me happy. The loveliest thing I can think of would be time I get to spend with you. So please, don’t leave.”
Your grin is vibrant, seeming to light up the room and restore color to an otherwise grey surrounding. Perhaps this darkness I’ve been feeling… has it also been lonliness?
I think on this for a moment before I feel your hands slide down my arms, twining with mine and pulling me toward the settee before a warmly lit fire.
“Let’s stay together and warm up. Please?” You ask, sliding onto one of the cushions and looking up at me with pleading eyes. Beautiful pleading eyes.
“Smile for me?” I whisper, watching with bated breath. “If I stay will you smile for me?”
Your face cracks into a huge grin and another burst of laughter bubbles up from your chest.
“Of course I’ll smile for you! Spending time with you makes me want to smile.”
That was all? Spending time with me was all it took to make you smile? I feel embarrassed for not having realized such a thing sooner, my face growing hot as I settle onto the cushion beside you.
“All I need to do to see your smile is spend time with you?” I murmur, still mildly in disbelief.
“Yes, Elbert. Being with you makes me so happy, I can’t help but smile.”
My own lips curl up into a pleased smile of my own, warmth filling me with a sense of peace I’ve been craving.
“Then I shall never leave you.”
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You've Got the Love to See Me Through - 7x06 coda
Read on Ao3
Summary: Tommy's pov of 7x06...or just let this man get some rest.
Words: 4,769
-
“Go home, Kinard. Get some sleep. Remember, you’re on standby tonight.”
Sleep. Right. Tommy was definitely not going home to get sleep despite how much he might want to. He could have called Evan and made his excuses, but Evan had already texted him twice that week to make sure he was coming to Chimney’s Bachelor party, so Tommy really couldn’t miss it. Not even because his shift had wound up running something like four hours long or because he was on standby. It was part of the job, he’d had longer nights they just usually ended with him passed out on his bed, not driving to a karaoke lounge. Considering it was the night before the wedding, Tommy figured things weren’t going to get out of hand or go too long and he’d get to his bed eventually.
He headed into the building and had to walk down a long hall until he finally made it to the room Evan had reserved. He saw Eddie first, giving him a high five. Then his eyes landed on Evan. He looked good and seeing Evan took away some of his exhaustion, especially when they hugged and he could smell his cologne.
Tommy was glad, when he could sit down and get something that resembled rest. He would have preferred it if Evan sat down too, instead they all got to watch him as he paced and glared at anyone that dared to try to go near the sliders. He’d lost count of the number of times that Evan had already tried to call Chimney and kept himself entertained watching Eddie play bartender, when he wasn’t watching Evan.
Time had ceased to have much meaning for Tommy some three hours back, so he had no idea how much had passed when Hen stood up, her wife following suit. And others started to follow their lead despite how much Evan tried to keep them.
Of course, that’s when he got the call to go in. So much for getting any sleep.
He could see the disappointment on Evan’s face, and Tommy wished it was different. He wished he could stay behind and maybe convince Evan that they could still have fun, but he was on standby and he wouldn’t be called in without reason.
“Be safe,” Evan said.
Tommy held onto that. He felt a little odd, too, because though he’d known it would be different to date a fellow first responder, he still hadn’t really understood, because as disappointed as Evan was at his departure, he also got it.
He caught up to Hen and Karen, making their way to the exit.
“You’re leaving too?” Hen asked.
“Got called in,” Tommy said.
“Does that mean you’ll miss the wedding?” Karen asked.
“I’ll try not to. So, Chim really didn’t want this party?”
Even without looking at her, Tommy could tell that Hen was rolling her eyes. “Buck wore him down. Or, maybe Chimney got tired of saying no and never intended on coming.”
Karen made a noise of agreement. “He’s probably enjoying his hotel room. I don’t blame him.”
Tommy said his goodbyes and got to his car. In an effort to keep himself awake, he drove to a starbucks on the way to Harbor and downed most of the drink before he arrived.
Lucy was getting out of her car as he parked and she waited for him.
“Hey. They called you in too?” She called out to him.
“Sure did,” Tommy said, and tried to fight a yawn.
He was in the air within fifteen minutes, flying out solo to drop retardant over the fire. When he landed, he had to wait for the chopper to be filled up again which meant his priority was getting to the coffee maker for more caffeine. He pulled his phone out and took it off airplane mode as he went and watched as several texts landed in his inbox.
Evan: No Chim. How’s work? Stay safe.
Evan: Partying with people. Still no Chim. 😔
Evan: SHOTS!!
Evan: Eddi says we gotts toooo song 👨🏻🎤🎤
Another text came through as he was fixing his coffee.
Eddie: yo misssss all tge fun adinkamsc
Tommy couldn’t help but snort. Oh, they were both going to regret their night.
He had just enough time to drink his coffee before he was back out in the sky. When he got back to the station, he ran into Lucy.
“We’re gonna fly out there and help from the ground,” she informed him. “The retardant is helping, but they need more bodies. There’s been a few injuries. This thing is huge.”
Their captain confirmed as Tommy made it inside.
He checked his phone on the way to the locker room.
Evan: wHet lik boo y
Evan: takhujns par tee to cim 🥳
Eddie: UBEr!1!!!1
Evan: No 🔑 🧑🏻🚒🧑🏻🚒
Tommy was far too tired and busy to actually decipher what Evan could mean.
It was rare for him to have to use his turnout gear. He was a pilot, his skills were best used in the sky, but sometimes it was about going where they were needed. He carried the gear out rather than putting it on. Lucy joined him and Tommy flew them back out, this time dropping the water that had been loaded on. Lucy did the work of reporting what they saw from the air and it didn’t look great. The sky was tinted orange and gray and it could have looked beautiful if it wasn’t so destructive. They were directed to reload more water to drop and that was how it went for a while.
Tommy had no idea what time it was when they were told to just bring down the chopper and join on the ground. It was night, but that was hard to tell with the orange and yellow flames and the clouds of smoke that flew into the air. They landed pretty far from the fire itself, and would have to walk past all the trucks and cars. They put on their gear, Tommy taking his flight suit off to replace it with the heavy pants and coat, and then they were on their way.
“You look beat, Kinard,” Lucy said.
“I already worked OT on my last shift. Now this.”
“Ouch,” she said.
“And I’m supposed to be going to a wedding tomorrow.”
She winced. “That’s tomorrow? I don’t think you’re gonna make it.”
He just laughed. He’d sort of given up on that prospect. The suit he’d left hanging off his closet door would just need to be put back in the back of his closet unless he got out of there in time to join everyone at the reception. Sometimes the job just wasn’t fair, but the closest to having the day off that Tommy had managed was staying on standby. It was also why he’d taken the shift he’d just got off of.
“I know you were looking forward to it, Tommy,” Lucy said, patting his shoulder.
Tommy shrugged. There would be other dates with Evan, but this had felt special. Not just how Evan had wanted to include him in something so important, but because it was Evan showing everyone who he really was.
“One good thing is he’ll understand why you aren’t making it,” Lucy added.
That just reminded Tommy of the disappointed look on Evan’s face when he left the karaoke lounge.
They got their orders from the battalion chief and Tommy found himself falling into the rhythm. Anytime he had to get down on the ground, it reminded Tommy why he loved the sky, not that he really minded the change in pace. He did gain his second wind as he worked which helped keep him going.
Tommy didn’t get a chance to check his phone again until he was on a break. Grabbing a protein bar to snack on and drinking water for his very parched and dry throat.
He had a voicemail from Eddie as well as a few missed calls and several texts.
Evan: 🛏️ 🤵🏻♂️
Evan: 🚁
Eddie: 🍾🍾bavcnjklo’s!!
Evan: i mus u…com e bcksjm pldne
Eddie: yo boyfrienddd owens 👚
Tommy just smiled. He was going to have so much fun when he saw Evan again. He didn’t bother with the voicemail, because he had to save something to amuse himself with later and then returned to the job.
As the night wore on, he was sent back to Harbor to fuel up, and fill up with retardant. It was apparently the type of fire that just kept fueling itself up. They were doing some work fighting it and keeping it from spreading, but he could tell it would still be hours before they were close to getting it put out.
The next time he checked his phone there wasn’t anything new and he hoped that meant that Evan had gone to bed. At least one of them was getting some sleep.
A few hours later found him clutching at the tiny paper cup of coffee he’d been handed by a stressed looking boy. It wasn’t gonna do much, but anything to stay attentive. He pulled his phone out and it was getting really close to wedding time. He might be lucky if he made it to the reception.
Evan: Chim is missing
Evan: Sorry for all the drunken texts.
Evan: Last night was insane. We thought Chim was sleeping…he wasn’t here all night.
Evan: He wouldn’t leave Maddie at the altar. Something has to be wrong.
Evan: Found Chim’s phone
Evan: No Chim
Evan: Maddie is going to dispatch to look for him. Sending people home from wedding. Guess you won’t be missing it after all. Be safe out there. I’ll keep updating.
Tommy suddenly wondered why none of them had actually bothered to check in on Chim the night before. How long had he been missing?
“Hey, what’s up?” Lucy asked.
“Looks like Chim is missing,” Tommy said.
A text came through just then.
Evan: He got on a bus going downtown.
“They find him?”
“Not yet,” Tommy said.
“Keep me updated, alright?”
Due to his lack of rest, Tommy was kept working on the ground. The fire just didn’t seem to want to die down. He’d lost count of how many companies had been brought out. After his second wind, he did gain a third, and it kept him going. When he could, he checked his phone, looking for the good news that Chim had been found safe and sound.
Evan: Pretty sure Chim has viral encephalitis
Evan: Out on the street looking for him. He helped triage a bunch of people. We think he doesn’t remember what year it is.
Evan: He went to the Lees. They’re taking him to the hospital.
Evan: Drs pretty confident he’ll be fine.
He felt relieved and yet he also knew that Evan was probably hung over, worried, and dealing with his sister’s emotions and worries as well. He wished, more than anything, to be there for him and give Evan a shoulder to lean on.
On his next break, while he tried to stomach a granola bar, he got a good look at his phone again. The fire was more than 80% contained. A lot of the companies already making to depart.
Evan: He’s awake and he wants to get married anyway. Have to do it before visiting hours are over. Ceremony starts in like an hour.
He’d attached a location pin.
“Hey, did they find him?”
Tommy looked up. “Yeah. They’re having the wedding at the hospital.”
Lucy made a face. “Seriously? I guess that’s fitting for them.”
“Is Kinard texting his boyfriend again?” someone else asked.
Tommy turned and found James, who wiggled his eyebrows. Lucy laughed.
“Yes, actually. He’s sad he’s not gonna make it to the wedding.”
“Oh, shit, that’s today?”
“Yeah…but, you know, fire. And now it’s happening at the hospital, so…”
So he wasn’t going to make it there and Evan would probably make that pouty disappointed face and Tommy was the one that had put it there. Not on purpose, and maybe Evan would understand, but he would still be responsible for it.
“So he’s gonna be moody all the way back to Harbor,” Lucy said.
They were given the okay to go when they got back from their break and Tommy couldn’t have been happier. He still wouldn’t make it. He and Lucy were gonna have to catch ride back to Harbor and then even if he didn’t stop to get changed, he’d still have to drive to the hospital.
Lucy solved the problem for him, getting him a lift on the ambulance taking a couple of firefighters with minor burn injuries. He didn’t care that he was a mess and that he still had all his gear on.
Tommy: Heading over to hospital. Not sure I’ll make the ceremony, but I’m coming.
Evan texted when they were around the corner from the hospital.
Evan: They just got married.
Evan: Tell me when you get here.
Tommy: Emergency entrance in a few minutes.
Evan: I’m coming.
“Go get your boy,” the firefighter with a nasty burn down his left arm said when the ambulance parked.
The paramedic and the firefighter both made kissy noises at him. It was the result of a long night, they were all tired and loopy. Tommy didn’t even bother to respond. The driver just grinned at him when Tommy threw him a thank you.
Tommy felt weary down to his bones. He was sore and a headache was brewing right behind his eyes. The time he’d been sitting for the drive had only tired him out more. He walked quickly, regardless, past the doors that slid open and then he saw him. Evan was in a soft looking blue hoodie.
“Sorry I’m late. That fire was a beast,” Tommy began, ready to offer more explanations.
Evan didn’t look upset.
“So are you,” Evan said which Tommy didn’t even understand.
The next thing Tommy knew was Evan’s hand on his shoulder, climbing to his neck and his lips pressing insistently on his. Tommy fell into it, he kissed back, unable to keep a moan from getting buried between their lips as he pulled Evan closer by the waist, losing himself entirely to Evan and not quite believing that this had been his welcome. The first kiss, the one that Tommy had replayed in his mind too many times to count, it had been soft and sweet and lovely, but this was…it was mind-melting. It was wet and messy and hot…so so hot.
It was only when the doors opened behind them again, that they both realized where they were. The blush on Evan’s face was partially hidden by the soot that had got on him and Tommy cracked up into a laugh.
“What?” Evan asked, smiling still.
“You’re covered in soot.”
Evan touched his face and brought his fingers down, rubbing them together. “I’m used to it,” he said and then, narrowed his eyes on Tommy. “Wait, why are you covered in soot?”
“Wound up helping on the ground.”
He was glad that Evan didn’t question it or ask for an explanation like someone else might. Tommy was exhausted and he was feeling it more and more, but he let Evan lead him further into the hospital.
“You’re not gonna clean up first?” he asked, conscious of what it would look like.
Evan just shot him a grin. If anything, it made the soot even more obvious. “Nah. There’s cake. Come on.”
Tommy was too tired to do anything to stop Evan. Then again it was his face even if it was Tommy’s soot.
Chimney’s room was full of people. Too many for him to take in at once, so he focused on the newly weds. Chimney was propped up in the hospital bed with his new wife. Their very adorable daughter — Evan’s niece — at the foot of the bed.
Evan cleared his throat. “Hey,” he said, “look who almost made it.”
“Congratulations you two,” Tommy said. “I’m sorry I missed the ceremony.”
He could see it on Chimney’s face, the toll of the day and yet the happiness that managed to still shine through. He did look between him and Buck a few times. Tommy caught Eddie’s gaze too and saw that Eddie was fighting to hold in laughter probably at some attempt at being supportive. Evan was never going to live this down.
“Looks like you were…busy,” Chim said.
“Cake?” Evan asked. He was simply amazing.
Tommy was by his own admonition, confident. He hadn’t always been, and there were still certainly things that made him unsure and nervous. When he first realized that Evan was completely new to liking men, he’d assumed that it would take time for Evan to come to terms with it and to come out and to be ready for acting on it. He’d wanted to fully remove himself from the equation so that Evan wasn’t pressured into more than he was ready for. Maybe Evan just processed things at a speed Tommy wasn’t used to, or he was actually far more prepared than Tommy had expected.
Evan brought two plates with cake over and their fingers brushed as Tommy grabbed his. He saw Hen and Karen looking at them and Hen gave him a nod that looked more proud than anything else. Another couple was staring, they were older and if Tommy hadn’t been so tired, he would have noticed the resemblance and put it together at once. It took him until he saw them interacting with Evan’s niece. Her grandparents — Evan’s parents.
He focused on eating cake, too tired for anything else. It was sweet and far tastier than anything he’d had to eat all day. Evan kept close to his side, only leaving for a few minutes to speak to Christopher before he was back, taking his empty plate and getting rid of it before returning, this time stepping even closer to him.
Tommy was aware that he was covered in soot and ash and sweat and that he probably smelled like smoke and burning trees. As much as he wanted a shower, he wanted a bed more.
“We can leave after pictures,” Evan whispered to him as Karen started taking pictures of Maddie and Chim.
Tommy leaned his shoulder on the doorway watching the different combinations. It didn’t take very long and then he saw Evan hugging his sister and then Chim before heading his way. He didn’t go to his parents, but he saw him share a smile with Hen and Bobby gave his shoulder a squeeze. It was clear who Evan’s family was.
“Thank you for coming, Tommy,” Maddie said, loud enough for him to hear it at the door.
Tommy gave her a nod and he waved at the room as he walked out with Evan. Tommy didn’t know if he was the one to reach out or if it was Evan, but at some point, Evan’s hand found its way into his.
“Did you drive here?” Evan asked.
“Caught a ride on an ambulance.”
“Okay. Good. So we won’t have to come back and get your car.”
Evan got him to his car and Tommy was surprised when Evan actually opened the passenger door for him and then closed it after Tommy got in before rounding the car and getting in.
“Your place?” Evan asked.
“Please.”
Evan chuckled. “I’m going to need your address.”
Tommy just pulled out his phone and opened google maps and hit home before handing his phone over. He put his seatbelt on and then leaned against the door, trying to fight off the sleep that threatened to take him.
“Rest,” he heard Evan say and then felt the touch of a hand in his hair and cheek.
When the car started moving, he sighed and let his eyes close fully. The next thing Tommy knew, he felt hands cupping his chin and thumbs brushing his cheeks.
“Tommy. Tommy. We’re here, Tommy.”
He blinked awake and felt all of it hit him again. The headache that was starting earlier was full blown. He was sore and tired and his eyes literally stung, too dry and eyelids too heavy to keep open. It took everything in him to get out of the car and he stumbled once his feet hit the ground.
“Seriously, how long have you gone without sleep?”
Tommy heard the question, but he didn’t process it.
“That long,” Evan said and there was something unreadable on his face. “Keys?” Evan asked.
Back at Harbor, he realized and groaned until he remembered the flower pot. After two instances of having to break into his own house and having to replace a lock in the one instance and a door in the other, Tommy had figured out he needed a hidden spare key. He had a fake rock in the flower pot. He pointed it out to Evan who dealt with taking it out without damaging the flowers and then opening the door.
For some reason, he didn’t know why he’d expected Evan to just leave him there once he’d made it inside. He wasn’t exactly fit to be company, not when all he really needed was to crawl into bed, the ash and soot and sweat to be dealt with when he woke.
Evan walked inside with him, though, and stopped him when he tried to walk further in.
“First you’re getting all this gear off,” Evan said.
Tommy grunted. He tried to fight his jacket off, but it didn’t want to budge. Evan’s hands were deft as they helped to pull the whole thing off, dropping it right in the entryway. Tommy fumbled with the pants, but Evan pulled each suspender off his shoulders, his hands soft and careful and then the pants were pooling at his feet. Evan knelt and helped with his shoes and then his pants. He was down to just his base layer and Tommy could have just crawled into bed just like that. Evan had other ideas.
Tommy found himself in his bathroom. Evan seemed to have no problems undressing him and Tommy was too tired, even when he was down to just underwear. All of it was a bit of a blur, but later he would remember how nice it felt to have someone else wash his hair, or how he’d had more than cold tile to lean on while soap washed away everything.
He remembered the feel of a towel on his skin and the light touch of a hand on his bare back and then how it felt to get into his bed, the sheets clean and nice and cool. He remembered a kiss on his forehead and a hand that he grabbed onto and a warm body that contrasted nicely to the cool sheets.
Tommy woke up slowly, aware that he was in his bed, but that he wasn’t alone and that there was too much light coming from the windows where the shades hadn’t been drawn. His mind supplied very little in explanation for why he would have forgotten his shades and even less about why he wasn’t alone. His eyelids were too heavy to open, and he felt stiff and more than a little sore.
“Sleep,” Evan said. “It’s early, still.”
Evan. Evan was in his bed. His back to Tommy’s front, and his hand on the arm Tommy had around him, fingers gently running over his forearm to his hand.
He drifted, not fully asleep, but certainly not awake. Fell back asleep.
A while later, he woke alone. He’d been on his side, but he dropped onto his back, blinking at the ceiling. It felt like a dream. A kiss at the entrance to a hospital and Chim getting married in a hospital room. Evan in his shower.
Wait…Evan in his shower?
The hospital?
He heard footsteps and as he started to sit up, Evan walked in. He brought a bottle of water and a plate with toast and eggs and potatoes. Tommy’s stomach growled. Evan chuckled and wait, was Evan wearing one of his shirts?
“Hungry?” Evan asked. “You slept for almost ten hours.”
He’d probably needed it. Didn’t keep him from being quite a bit groggy. Tommy watched Evan as he set the plate down on Tommy’s bedside table. He handed him the water, though, and Tommy hadn’t realized how thirsty he was.
As he was drinking, one thing came to him.
“Evan, did you kiss me in the middle of a hospital?”
Evan’s face went pink. “It wasn’t the middle. More like by the entrance.”
“Oh.”
“Eat up,” Evan said. “It’s gonna get cold.”
Tommy took the plate when Evan handed it to him. His first bite of toast made him groan. When he wiped crumbs off his chin, he stopped. Chin. Soot.
“Soot,” he said.
Evan just laughed. “There’s pictures, don’t worry. Just eat. And then I’ll explain and we can be lazy for the rest of the day. I wasn’t sure if you’d want coffee? I still don’t know how you take it.”
Tommy chuckled. “No. No coffee.”
“Okay. But I’ll get you more water, then. Fruit?”
“Sure, Evan.”
Tommy didn’t know what to expect. He ate his breakfast with gusto, was glad when Evan reappeared with what appeared to be a bowl of cut up fruit that Tommy wasn’t entirely sure had been in his kitchen and a few bottles of water. And yes, it was definitely Tommy’s shirt.
“Last night—”
“We were both very tired, and you were very sooty and I know from experience you don’t want to go to bed like that. I’m sorry if I overstepped, but I don’t know that you wouldn’t have fallen asleep in your shower. How are you feeling today?”
“I’m fine. Thank you, Evan. You didn’t overstep.”
“Good. We’re both off today so unless you want to be alone…how about a movie?”
It wasn’t that he hadn’t ever had other partners that cared about him — it was just that Evan did it differently. Like he was trying to find Tommy’s boundaries and electing to respect them despite how much he’d already done the night before and despite staying with Tommy and sleeping in his bed.
“A movie sounds great,” Tommy said.
It was much later, after they watched a few movies and Evan ordered them a pizza that he had the thought to check his phone. A lot had come back to him, including the litany of texts he’d received from a drunk Evan and Eddie. He found the voicemail he’d put off listening to and put it on speaker before hitting play while Evan was in the bathroom.
Music came through first. Eddie’s voice yelling something and then Evan.
“I like you so so so so much, Tommy. Soooo much.”
“Calling your boyfriend, Buck? Buck? Everyone, Buck has a boyfriend!” The sound of something breaking and then, Eddie again. “His name is Tommy! Say hi to Tommy!”
A chorus of “hi, Tommy!” shouted by what could only be some kind of drunk crowd.
“You’re…you’re like a guy…a guy’s guy. Strong. Want to kiss you again and hold your hand. Eddie…Eddie, did you know he has really nice hair? And a cleft chin?”
“Shhhh, Buck’s on phone with boyfriend,” Eddie’s voice came through.
“Miss you,” Evan said. “Eddie, I’m gonna kiss him.”
Eddie laughing. “Kiss him!”
“Like kiss him kiss him with tongue and…and—”
More shouts and then the voicemail cut off.
Tommy found Evan, face buried in his hands, standing in the doorway.
“Hey, you did say you were going to kiss me,” Tommy said. “And for the record, I like you so so so so much too.”
Evan rushed back to Tommy’s bed, crawling from the foot to where Tommy lay. Earlier they’d gotten up to make it up, but they’d been lounging atop the covers in a way that Tommy very rarely did. Evan was on his knees and he leaned over and reached for his face, thumb ending right over the cleft on Tommy’s chin and though he took a moment to stare down at Tommy, it didn’t take long before he was leaning down and they were kissing. Tommy pulled him closer, bringing him down so Buck’s weight rested half on Tommy. Evan hummed into it and when the kiss broke, Evan dropped his head to Tommy’s shoulder.
“I really do,” Evan said, turning his face so he wasn’t speaking into Tommy’s shirt.
“What?”
“Like you.”
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| Glow of amber | Chapter [#1]
Word count: [ ~2890 ]
Hello everybody! This is the first story that I’m actually showing to people — so I’m a bit nervous … Although I feel confident about my English, it’s not my first language so there might be some grammatical errors along the way.
I’ve made a post explaining this AU some time ago, you can give it a read if you want to, but I will explain everything in the story eventually.
With that being said, I invite you below
The corridors of Norrisville high were unusually quiet. There was no soul around, not even a single student running late for their classes. Janitor had already done his round around the school, mopping the floor and sweeping dust bunnies under the lockers. Halls remained empty for most of the day, not unless a teacher had to rush to the building to file some important documents or to prepare materials for another school year.
While the other parts of school slumbered, the main hall brimmed with life. As usual, a great Ninja battle had left a great damage on the property, and this time, the repair team was tasked with fixing a considerably huge hole in the wall. But since the school year was ending, there wasn’t a need to do it immediately, so all of the heavy work was left for the vacation period.
As careful as they wanted to be, they unfortunately caused some small, additional “scratches”. Cement was splattered on few lockers, a bucket of paint rolled all over the floor, a new guy made some mistakes while reading the blueprints and connected water pipes into one big circle, and heavy machines were dragged across the most beautiful thing in the Norrisville highschool, a carp mosaic decorated by strange, yellow gem.
School itself didn’t have anything precious to guard, but the business responsible for the construction team and equipment demanded to hire someone to protect the expensive materials.
It was a bright night and a full moon decorated the sky.
“It’s just you and me, buddy!” A night guard shook his flashlight and locked the back door. He also pinned a card with “Jeremy” written on it. “Maybe they don’t pay much but after tonight we’ll be able to afford a brand new keyboard!”
He kept talking with his trusty flashlight as he walked down the hallway. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, he made sure to bang on every locker to check for hidden intruders, but he found nothing. Maybe it was for the better, even if it meant the rest of the night being extremely boring.
The sound of his own footsteps was creeping him out. He wished he could at least turn on the big lights and get rid of the uncomfortable darkness, but due to safety and financial reasons, power was cut off for the night.
“Ughhh! This stinks!” He moved his light around him.”I know I’ve said that I’m over my fear of the dark but… Jeez… I will go insane before this shift ends.”
Jeremy glanced at his flashlight again.
“I heard that this school has a glass ceiling” He shook it and made a squeaky voice. “It’s in the main hall! And you know what else is in there? Equipment we have to keep an eye on! How about we just go in there and enjoy our shift under the bright moonlight?”
“Oh buddy!” He smiled. “You always have the best ideas!”
Thanks to the gentle rays of the moon, the Main lobby looked enchanted, despite it being a construction site. Heavy machines and bags of cement were covered by large blankets, and the hole in the wall was well secured. The whole room seemed very inviting, yet something felt weird. The giant mosaic of golden carp was beautiful, but bathed in moonlight it gave off an eerie energy. Jeremy agreed with his trusty flashlight that they should avoid getting closer to it.
After doing the necessary check up, he lied down on the floor and leaned against a pillar.
“Everything is where it’s supposed to be…Nothing was stolen… no intruders…” He yawned. “Darkness was terrifying but besides that…– Well I didn’t expect this job to be this boring”
His eyelids felt heavy.
“What if I just… take a quick nap…?” He looked around the room one last time.”If there’s no boss around then you can do what you want.”
After just a few minutes, he was drooling on the floor.
“I’ve been stuck here for far too long…”
A husky voice echoed in his ears. Jeremy’s eyes were quick to open. He didn’t know what he was seeing, but one thing was sure, he wasn’t in the lobby anymore. The amber sky seemed to be stretching for miles. Whatever he was standing on didn’t feel right, on the one hand it was slippery like glass, but at the same time it felt sticky, like if it wanted to trap him.
Jeremy looked around, he wasn’t alone, but he couldn't locate the person he had just heard.
“I’m alone— All alone!” The voice cried loudly. “What’s the point of keeping me here anymore?! The Sorcerer is gone after all…”
A gigantic shadow of a bird flew just above Jeremy’s head.
“But it’s not about the sorcerer!” Huge bird landed and laughed to itself. “It’s because he hates me. Oh, he wants me here for all eternity!.. To hell with him!”
Demonic creature hit the floor with all its rage. This was enough to make Jeremy fall down and scream out of fear. As he was laying on the floor, slowly sticking more and more, he expected to wake up at any moment. He heard another hellish screech and sound of sharp talons getting closer very quickly.
Jeremy opened his eyes, hoping that he would see the familiar moonlight. But instead he was greeted by a pair of glowing, red eyes analyzing his every movement. The head of the creature was just a skull of a bird with a few blue markings that resembled a warpaint. The bird demon was smiling, sending chills down Jeremy’s spine.
“A visitor…” Its voice echoed through his head. “Tsch, not anyone I know…– How bothersome.”
“I.. I am… I…” Night guard was squeaking like a mouse.”I’m Jeremy! Just a simple guard!”
“I didn’t ask! And frankly I’m not interested in hearing about your pitiful life!” The demon screamed and threw Jeremy back. “I hate humans. You always think of yourself as heroes! Think that your lives are somehow more important than other beings!”
“I don’t consider myself a hero…” He tried to stand up. “I’m nothing compared to our town's savior, the Ninja!”
Creature went silent, and so did the boy. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, everything felt so real that he started questioning if it really was a dream. Bird demon approached him in silence.
“Ah… so he’s a hero.” Its last word came out with a lot of bitterness. “Yes… Hm, yes, it was very heroic of him to slit my throat with his blade, disrespect my body by ripping away my feathers… and then trap my spirit here! Who you call a hero is nothing more than a filthy murderer.”
Jeremy stood confused.
“From what you’ve said… It sounds like… well… you don’t paint ninja in a good light” He tried pinching himself in order to escape this dream. “I don’t think he would have done all that without a good reason.”
The black shadow of a bird turned into flames, and from them it reformed itself in a much different shape. No longer was it a monster looking down at him, but simply a man. His body was translucent and colored like a bright ember. He was wearing damaged samurai armor, wings dragged behind him like a cape, and in his hand he held a broken blade. His gaze was intense and drilling, but not as wild as in his bird form.
“Did I say something wrong!?” Jeremy was trembling. “I am terribly sorry! I… I know nothing about the ninja… but… I thought he’s an honorable guy!”
“I think this whole conversation started on a wrong note.” Warrior dropped his blade.”Don’t think I’ve changed my mind about humans— my hatred runs deep. But since you’re already here, I think you deserve to learn a few things about your hero.”
“Well… I don’t want to take your time!” He shook his head.”Maybe you can just— wake me up! And I won’t be bothering you anymore!”
The spirit tried his best to give a sincere looking smile.
“You’ll miss out on some valuable knowledge.” He shrugged. “You know, in the past people would do anything to have such a conversation.”
Night guard took a deep breath.
“Then if I may ask… who are you?”
“I’m glad you asked.” His chuckle sounded a bit forced.”People used to call me a Tengu— a bird spirit. I was the greatest swordsman in the land, and a noble one as well. I never declined a duel, not even to a human. I always fought with honor.”
“Why are you here then?”
“Because of the ninja, of course!” Tengu was making circles around the scared boy. “You see, one day he challenged me to a duel. He was confident about his powers, but confidence alone isn’t enough to win. I defeated him and sent him on his way.”
“But…”
“Shhh” He put his finger up.”Some time had passed and I was sure I wouldn’t see him again. Oh but I was wrong— He was furious that I'd managed to defeat him! He came to claim his victory and he was ready to do so at any price!”
“If you’ve beaten him once— then how come you didn’t manage to win again?” Concentrating on Tengu’s story made him stop shaking.
“This time he had a friend.” He clenched his fist. “I don’t know what he had said to that goddess to make her think I was the enemy… But he was successful…He challenged me to an uneven battle. I couldn’t win against someone backed up by a heavenly power…”
Tengu gasped theatrically.
“They imprisoned me here.” He spread his arms.”In a stone they’d called “Eye of Eternities”!”
Jeremy scratched his head.
“This is confusing…” He was trying to analyze the story. “I’m having a hard time believing all this— It was hard for me to believe in ninja… and you’re spitting nonsense about spirits and gods.”
“You humans used to be more spiritual back then.” Tengu frowned. “You may want to argue with me about your beliefs, but you must believe me that it’s all real.”
“First of all, this is a dream!” Jeremy spouted. “This is just a figment of my imagination!”
“Wrong.” Tengu moved his hand towards the orange sky and after a moment it became clear like a window. “There you are. Lying unconscious on the school floor.”
“But— how— this is impossible!”
“Oh well— If you knew anything about spirits, then you’d know that you should be very careful about what you do during the full moon.” Tengu shook his head in disapproval. “For you, it might seem like a dream, but for me, it’s a very real visit.”
The young night guard wandered lost in his thoughts. Nothing made sense. Things he considered to be just fairy tales were real this whole time.
“Why didn’t you just attack me?” Jeremy felt like he should have asked this question earlier.
“If I’ve attacked you, you’d simply wake up…None of us would have gotten anything out of this meeting.”
Even though the mind of a Tengu was broken after centuries of imprisonment, he knew he should always take the opportunity when it’s there. It’s not everyday that he has a chance to speak with someone. Boy was naive, he noticed it right away. Maybe if he plays his cards right, he’ll be able to make this night interesting.
“Tell me, Jimmy…”
“It’s Jeremy, actually.” He said quietly.
“Whatever…” Tengu said under his nose.”Do you like helping others?”
“Oh I…— I… sure! Who doesn’t?” Jeremy giggled. “I’ve had many bullies during middle school and high school, but no one was kind enough to give me a helping hand…So now I help others in need!”
“Truly amazing…” He ran his hand across his face. “Would you like to help me then?”
Boy stood shocked.
“Me? Help you? But…—“
“You’ve said you help those in need, am I right?”
“Jeez… yes…—“ He tried looking for an excuse. “Well… From what you’ve said… it seems there’s no reason for you to be here… But how am I supposed to help!? I’m just human! And I didn’t even have my 20th birthday yet!”
“Don’t panic and listen.” Tengu grabbed him by his shoulder. “I can’t free myself from the inside, this prison can be open only from the outside.”
“Didn’t you say that this stone was made by a god?” Jeremy was sweating nervously. “Isn’t it like… crazy powerful?”
Tangu looked up.
“Maybe at the beginning, yes” He chuckled. “But nothing is truly eternal. This stone went through a lot and it was even cracked on multiple occasions. I can feel how weak it has become. I don’t think Ninja is needed for the job anymore.”
He smiled mischievously.
“A brute force might be just enough to shatter this prison.”
“You want me to crack the stone?” Jeremy panicked. “But that would be a destruction of property! I’d be punished for it! Oh man— I don’t have money for such a fine.”
“No one will know about it!” He screamed enthusiastically, trying to earn the boy's trust. “After you get me out I will simply fix it! I promise!”
Jeremy looked at Tengu with mixed emotions.
“All you need is a hammer, or other tool!” Tengu smiled. “It just so happens that the equipment is right there!”
“And what will you do once you get out?”
Spirit turned around, hiding his face from the boy.
“I’ll return home.” He exclaimed. “I miss my mountain…Maybe I’ll even say hi to old friends.”
He felt conflicted. Tengu’s story felt genuine, but despite his reassuring words, he still felt freaked out by the spirit.
There were several outcomes of this encounter, and he preferred not to know how it would end if he said “no” to him.
“I’ll try my best…” There wasn’t much confidence in Jeremy’s voice. “Just…– How do I wake up?”
Spirit of the warrior smiled and came closer to the boy.
“Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” Smile disappeared from his face, and he lowered his voice. “I’m counting on you…– Don’t fail me.”
His last words sounded like a threat. But before Jermey was able to say anything, he felt a powerful punch hit his stomach. He hasn't experienced such pain before. His eyes faded to black.
He was back.
Jeremy jumped up from the floor. He was sweating and breathing quickly, he could feel his heart pounding his chest, like if it was about to break free from the ribs of his body. He tried to calm down but what he just experienced was simply too much. He was scared for his life.
He grabbed his trusty flashlight.
“I’m so glad to see you again!” He screamed. “I’ve had the weirdest dream of my life! There was this giant bird, and then shoosh! He changed into a samurai, and he told me…”
Jeremy turned his head towards the mosaic. The stone was glowing like a warning sign, it was bright enough to light up the whole hall. It was calling him.
“...He told me to break the stone…” He put down his light. “I’m sorry… I think you should just wait here…Close your eyes while we’re at it…”
He took a deep breath and walked towards boxes of equipment. He didn’t want to do this, but what will happen to him if he decides to flee now? Will he be cursed forever? Will his family die? The thought of spirits, or worse, demons, haunting him for the rest of his life was much worse than paying a few bucks for destroying one thing on the property.
A hammer laid heavy in his hand.
As he was getting closer to the stone, he felt as if the golden carp was judging his every action. It looked angry in the bright moonlight, and the glow of the amber prison made its scales look alice.
Stress was making him gasp for air. He knelt down and lifted his hammer high, ready to strike the stone.
His whole body was shaking.
“Please… let this be over with.” He closed his eyes and struck the stone.
His first hit was met with a lot of resilience, but it didn’t make him stop. On each next hit he was striking it harder and harder, and with each one he could feel the surface cracking.
The light coming from the stone was getting dangerously intense, and after dealing another blow, he was violently thrown across the hall by a strange and powerful force.
Tiny bits of amber scattered across the floor, and the hammer hit the ground with a loud bang. Jeremy tried to pick himself up, but his body was hurting from the fall.
And then he heard it, a terrifying screech.
If you’ve managed to reach this section, I want to give you my biggest thanks for taking time out of your precious life to give my story a read ♥️♥️
I might not be the best writer, but I enjoy what I do — and besides, there’s always room for improvement
And remember kids, don’t ever trust a Tengu trapped in a magical stone, he’s mad and insanely good at lying
#glow of amber#rc9gn au#rc9gn fanfic#rc9gn oc#rc9gn#rc9gn tengu#randy cunningham 9th grade ninja#randy cunnigham#artwork#my art#my writing#fanfic#long post#au#small writer#cartoon#cartoon au#fanart#artist on tumblr
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really not a fan of boston very explicitly saying "I want to be exclusive romantically but not sexually" only to be told "You're lying to yourself. I think you should be alone."
#like... p'jojo. you gave us 3wbf??? what's going on bud#only friends the series#ofts#am i misinterpreting boston? did I miss something? is this just a poorly executed representation of something else entirely??#idk this really just did not sit well with me#i love pretty much everything else in this show so i'm disappointed that this was the last thing we got#bc I've been saying this the whole time!! boston DOES want a romantic relationship and he's spent the whole show coming to terms with that#he really does love nick#and he wants romantic exclusivity (see: Boston getting upset and jealous when Nick is with other people)#but physical stuff doesn't need to have the same exclusiveness for him and that's literally fine#idk i just wish that last conversation had been written slightly differently. a couple different wordings could have fixed it all for me#like if Nick had SAID ''i can't do a non-exclusive relationship but i hope you find someone someday who wants that with you''#that would have been fine#not ''i think you should be alone''#idk. just really sat wrong with me#lgbt drama#thai drama#theo.txt#100
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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((
#it's bc i saw that he#uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty#and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all#he said that he had me as his background#so now i feel so fkn sad#i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die#i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly#and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it#or even have a 'it' with me#hurts so bad#so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much#i wish i could go back and not do what i did#i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him#but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now#and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be#and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand#bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do#i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy#the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that#i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it#then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me#plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him#but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him#it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone#and it started w them wanting me back#who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding#that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning#i will bealone forever and i just wanna die
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Not triggering just personal
I really need to vent about being asexual and sex repulsed but I feel like no one will understand and I get how a lot of the things I think will sound but I really just need to for once get these thoughts off my chest without having them being morally appraised because they *aren't* my morals, they're just things I can't change.
And I don't want people to TRY to change it either! Or to try to figure what ~hOrRiBle trAuMas~ could have possibly made me "this way". It's not that I think there's nothing wrong with me, it's just that this thing needs to stay neutral to me if I ever expect to actually understand it. I want people to stop morally appraising and physcoanalyzing my sexuality through the lense of inherent trauma!!
I just want to talk about this without feeling like I need to put a disclaimer before every sentence, explaining why I feel the way that I feel. I don't know ok! I don't know why I feel the way that I feel sometimes. I'm just doing my best and I wish more people would understand that. Maybe you don't get an explanation because this is my identity and doesn't need to be justified. I just want to understand myself.
#anyway that felt good#i hope this helps you guys understand in case i ever post some of the thoughts i was referring to here#i hope this helps you guys understand how big of a deal my asexuality actually is#its not just passively accepted#i have quite literally had to mask my asexuality MORE than my autism#i want to talk more about this but anytime i do at least one person is always there#suggesting im only asexual because of trauma or asking me what the fuck im talking about because i said something about being sex repulsed#or saying 'i used to be asexual too' -_- please just dont say this to me#im trying so hard to be a good person even when my deepest instincts go against some of my morals#i dont know if i can ever change those things either#i dont know whats worse#the idea that i need to be fixed somehow to better fit mine and everyone elses idea of a better and more likeable person#or the thought that this disgust is inherent to who i am and can never be changed#it hurts so much you dont understand#it hurts so much to think that rationally its good to accept people expressing their sexualities in healthy ways#but to be consumed by this contradictory instinct that make me recoil in disgust from even the people i love#it hurts and i just need someone to acknowledge that and that im trying and that it is difficult#and maybe even that its not my fault... though idk if id really go so far as to believe that#i wish i could've chosen to be anyone else sometimes
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your judas and your genesis
fandom: dream smp
word count: 1,729
relationship: eret & wilbur soot
“L’Manberg was gone,” says Wilbur. “So, pray tell, how was I not the one at fault for destroying it?”
“Because you didn’t destroy it,” Eret says. “You blew it up, but L’Manberg—what made it L’Manberg—survived.”
(In which one traitor tells another the story of their nation’s true end. A discussion, if you will, of Doomsday.)
read it on ao3 here!
#HELLO everyone i simply had to write a coda to the lore today#it's not so much a fix-it as a. i wish they had said these things. so kind of a fix-it#i just wish they had talked about doomsday instead of vaguing it AGAIN! let cwilbur know he was not the one who destroyed l'manberg 2k22#anyways if that's the sort of thing you want to see. give it a go?#dream smp#mcyt#my writing#mine#my fic#dsmp#dsmp fanfic#dream smp fanfic#your judas and your genesis#wilbur soot#eret#buttonduo
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#one of the things i hate the most abt anxiety is how much i worry over past actions#like i am aware there is nothing that can be done to undo it. there is nothing i can do to change what already happened and i still worry#over it as if i had a way to change it when i am aware there is nothing i can do to fix it#and i beat myself up over all the things i could've done different at the time knowing that i just didn't do it#which is... idk weird bcs i feel like i'm punishing myself over the things i didn't do and i can't do now bcs the action already happened#like the best i can do is do things differently next time and even if i'm aware of that i'm still gonna beat myself up for not doing it in#the first place#like now. i'm worrying over smth that i already sent to my prof. it's done. no takes backs and i still have a chance to fix it if she sends#smth back. i can do things differently next time but i still feel that i messed up big time and i can't rlly fix anything bcs i already did#smth different from what i thought afterwards#and although i know all i already said before i'm still beating myself up for smth that can be different a next time#having anxiety and being aware of it is so wild bcs yeah i'm anxious abt smth yeah ik it's illogical to be worried over that yet i can't#stop it. i wish i could but i just can't#sigh... i'm so normal#jo.txt
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hey guys, I've been having a hard time lately and it's really hitting me hard today, would any of y'all mind maybe dropping a comforting message in my inbox? Could be from an f/o or just you I don't mind either way, I just need to feel like I'm not alone right now ;-;
#my ocd has been flaring up so so bad lately and my medication isnt working as well as it used to#and i had to leave work like... 5 times this month abd I just feel so ashamed and guilty#and then when I got home for some reason my sister wasnt home even though she usually is bc its unlike her to go out unprompted#ohhhh wait as in typing this Im just remembering she had to go to the mall today#thats why shws not hime#anyway in my panic attack haze I thought bc my managers texts werent getting through to me even tho she said she had texted me just so i#could let her know I got home safe#shes super sweet- they werent getting through to me so like I started freaking out 'wait what if im dead and it happened on the walk home'#bc before I kept saying 'I wish I was dead' when really that just means 'I want to be ok and normal and not whatever this is'#so I thought I had manifested it somehow and thats why my managers texts werent getting through and why my sister wasbt home#idk why Im explaining all this in here I just need to vent I think ;-;#but im like.. gonna try to do some laundry maybe that'll take my mind off things#oh I called her by calling the store and everything was good so#and like.. my logic brain knows that Im not dead and that my sister is just getting her ipad fixed and Im able to contact the outside world#just fine but my anxiety brain is telling me that im just fabricating this all in my head and im actually dead irl#which is so dumb and out of nowhere ik but I think the whole 'careful what you wish for' thing is so ingrained into my head#and that isnt even what my ocd is about its an entirley different topic that I am just too scared to even talk about#reading this back and realizing all the typos I made is filling me with so much embarassment Im sorry for your eyes my hands are shaky
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#sola said#i am not good at reading people at the best of times!#even worse when i'm tired! or when the thing in question is a weird romantic/platonic situation! or when the thing is a weird romantic/#platonic situation that doesn’t even involve me!#so why the fuck am i the one people are coming to to ask to interpret this#ugh i don't know i'm. grateful for the trust.#i'm glad that somehow i have earned being the person that folks come to first about this shit i just#wish i was less tired/had more brainspace to devote to it/that it didn't feel so urgent#when i say i wish i could hug my friends and fix things for them like. that sentiment is true but it also would be. so much easier#i just want to laugh. or scream. i've put myself in a situation where i'm holding so many people's shit that i can't tell anyone My shit#it's only third week and i already am so tired i'm making major fuckups but! it's social this time! and not academic/workload! which makes#it so much harder to put down!#what did i do to deserve this#like both in the sense of. truly how did I get myself into this situation#but also like. genuinely I do not know what about me makes my friends keep me around much less come to me for this stuff. I want to know#what they’re seeing bc I am not seeing it#I am so tired just let me rest
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BOOM! KITTY CAT! he do the monch!
i hope you’re alright from that anon, i personally would’ve had a lot of anxiety over it so kitty :) his name is dorian and he do the bite frequently
BEAUTIFUL. I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR DORIAN
And yeah I'm doing pretty good! I've been online for long enough that I think I handled the situation fairly well. If they do end up coming off of anon, I don't want anyone sending them hate or w/e - I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, you know?
I mean, I didn't even know that comments like that were inappropriate until someone else explained it to me; it's sheer luck that I've never been on the other end of this interaction.
#also i cannot believe i wasn't following u yet? like wtf? anyways that's fixed now#also also i know i said id name your character but life has been absolutely off the shits lately so like. idk when im gonna get to it#the post is saved in my drafts to remind me to do it! i still want to do it! i just. ¯\_(😅)_/¯#also may you never have to deal with anons that give you anxiety#i wish that for u#but yeah im basically desensitized to anon weirdness by now. i've gotten told to. well. you know.#i've gotten fatphobic nonsense#i've gotten transphobic nonsense#i've been told that i talk too much about being an exmo and had it implied that that's why mormons wont leave me alone#which like. ??? where is the correlation lmao#but yeah i just laugh bc like. fr u got a limited time on this planet and ur so vexed by my very existence#that u spent actual real time putting together hate to send my way? my brother in christ (gn) your life is not forever!#hypothetical u which is referring to anons that send anon hate btw. not. you know. you dkgljksdgj#but that anon was just a little awkward yknow? i don't think they were being malicious i think they were trying to have fun#and i had to stop and tell them 'hey im not upset but this could upset other people please course correct for their sake'#nbd really#the only concerning bit now is their silence like. ??? if they wanted to flirt with me mission accomplished#just. you know. they need to not do it on anon bc i need to know that they're not a minor#it's a basic safety thing#if they were trying to make me uncomfortable then like. that's the least effective way to go about it so that wouldn't make sense#my dms are open? they could litcherally just message me?#i just. im so confused. what was the point.#did i embarrass them? are they worried that they're going to get hated on for what they sent? are they stalking my blog to find info?#were they in fact a minor and didn't realize im 20? or they did and just didn't care until i made it their problem?#flirty anon if ur still watching my blog u can just message me? im not mad at u?#?????#¯\_(ツ)_/¯ regardless. i appreciate this very much!#byrd chirps
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I think it’s time for some good old fashioned journaling since I can post again
#so. as y’all know the reason I’ve been largely avoiding posting and interacting with me is bc one of my friends thought it was funny to#find my account right? however as a joke a few weeks ago she was like haha look at what I can see#naturally that made me incredibly unhappy and until I could have a serious conversation with her I all but stopped speaking to her#i had a conversation with her and pretty much put it down to there are things I do not want to share with you and you severely went against#my privacy and this is not something I will get over if forgive. hopefully eventually I will move past it#and she was pretty much like oh yeah my bad it was a bad taste joke didn’t know u cared so much#like. I’ve been saying for Years. do not come find me or it will end our friendship. to any close friend I’ve come across#i genuinely don’t think she understood why I was so upset just due to the fact that she fundamentally doesn’t care about things#like she does not have interests. that’s not something she does. when she has an occasional one she would rather die than admit she cares#and in general it’s whatever. u do u. but when that stops you from seeing how much other people care about things? we have problems#she literally said to my face oh sorry I didn’t know tumblr was your deepest darkest secret#like. you’ve got to be kidding me#she wasn’t defensive when I tried to talk to her. but I really don’t think she got why I’m so upset about this. like not a clue#she was just like. ok. my bad. i won’t be back and I haven’t been back#which. was a lie she has been and I called her out on that and she literally was like. well. except for that#and she asked me like oh do u have anything else u wanna say and I was like not now but maybe later#i knew I wasn’t going to just forgive her. i know my trust isn’t just rebuildable I have trust issues as it is. but I don’t think that#conversation fixed a single thing. i pretty much just let her know I was upset with her. that is all that accomplished.#i don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget this honestly. and quite frankly I have no wish to continue to speak to her as it is#unfortunately my future sits with her as she’s moving to college with me next year where I’ll have to rely on her for rides and then to#cali where we’re moving in with several friends#this isn’t something that can be fixed. and she just keeps FaceTiming me like we’re good and I keep declining#I’m just so torn bc honestly my go to for this situation is cut off contact no one is worth me losing my sense of privacy. no one#but I don’t think I can here. as it stands I will be relying on her. i guess I could do it myself but it will be a massive pain#as cold as it seems to weigh someone’s existence in my life in an unemotional pros and cons list unfortunately I haven’t the luxury of#looking at this from an emotional standpoint. though to be fair. I’ve learned to not rely on my emotions for decisions#soup talks#girl hit me right in the worst sort of trauma I have and I finally have the opportunity to do what I wish I could have done years ago. leave#start fresh. start with people who don’t know me yet who will respect my privacy. who make me feel safe
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PlayStation
Gonna say PS1 cause it wasn't specified otherwise and say - SPYRO 2: GATEWAY TO GLIMMER
I try to play this one every year in the summer sometime because I love it so much and playing for the first time in the summer was just plain amazing.
I LOVE the low poly and almost liminal/minimalist looking spaces, I LOVE the characters and especially the campy voice acting, I LOVE the soundtrack it's one of my all time favorites period, I JUST LOVE PLAYING THIS GAME!
There's a lot of aspects that haven't aged brilliantly, mainly in the gameplay (some missions are kinda ass to play through when you're trying to 100%) but it's all worth it to play the reward area at the end >:)
I remember playing it for a bit at a family friends house while my mum had dinner/dessert with the host and I played with the hosts much younger kids and we had a lot of fun, so much fun in fact that the hosts adult son gifted us his PS1 with Spyro 1&2. He wanted to remove distractions like that and focus on his upcoming baby, and although we were hesitant on such a generous gift, we loved it! I have a lot of a memories with that PS1, sadly it didn't make it through all the frequent moves I had to go through but I do remember one of the last times I played it, I was playing Spyro 2 in my room on my grandparents old crt that I fixed up
Send me a game console and I'll tell you about a game I like from it (as long as I've played that console!)
#rads asks#anon#thank youuuuu#i really loved that ps1 and miss it a lot#i wish i still had it but it either got sold against my will or lost/broken in a move#i know that dad sold the games without realising that everything other than the spyro games were bought by me lol#but i saved up and got a copy of og Spyro 2 to play that I'm hoping to give s spin later this summer. maybe over Christmas#The only thing i have left of that ps1 is the memory card which stays loved and safe in my ps2 >:)#btw i wasn't a child prodigy fixing the crt.. it was just really dirty and so much dust got inside the casing and some stuff was loose#i just wanted to look inside it and parents said if i was careful i could do what i like and i just cleaned it and it was fine
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LOVER'S QUARREL
- fushiguro megumi x reader
“i can't do this anymore.”
you and megumi are just too different; he's stoic, you're bubbly, he prefers solitude, you love being social. it starts with fights, words you don't mean, and ends with an event that would haunt him for a long time to come.
genre:
angst, breaking up, post-breakup feelings, mentions and description of injury and blood, hurt/comfort, fluff in the end (you make up!)
note:
dear god i’m finally getting this out of my drafts. loosely inspired by real life events i’ve seen around my friend’s relationship sooo it might hurt a bit 🤏🏻 but who can say no to angst to eventual fluff? tagging @lees-chaotic-brain and @kasumitenbaz (as per request in the ask!), you two are always here for my megumi works, thank you!! :3 and thank you for dropping by for the event!
a part of 1K MILESTONE EVENT
series masterlist | oneshot masterlist
Everyone pointed it out as a joke, that you liked him way more than he did you.
And you used to never let it ruffle you. To you, Megumi’s sternness and silence meant that he was comfortable with you. You never wanted him to change his ways just because now you were seeing each other.
But when you thought it over now, as you stood before him with an aghast expression and knives stabbing your kind, soft heart, you couldn’t help but do a double-take.
You were the one who confessed first. Most of the time, you were the one who initiated dates. You always texted him first, asking about his day, and even when he brushed you off, you would keep being this ball of sunshine and wished him a good day.
You never realized it before… that through everything, it has always been you. Unfailingly.
So how dare he spout this now?
“I can't do this anymore.”
"You... can't?" you spat out, feeling the first tendrils of anger course through you. "What exactly it is that you can't do? What do you even mean?"
"Look," Megumi stared at you squarely, and you thought now, that it was the coldest of eyes, straight and true. "It's always been like this between us lately. It's only right that we end this."
This, he said. He didn't even want to define your relationship anymore.
You scoffed. "And why do you think we always end up this way? Have you ever considered, even once, that it's because you make no effort at all?"
"I'm trying," Megumi quickly replied, almost in a hiss, and you almost recoiled. "But I just see that we'll end up nowhere, that's why I'm bringing this up now."
Oh, that freaking hurts. You boyfriend had just told you that this relationship would go nowhere. Right in your face.
Your eyes stung with tears, yet you fought to hold them back, fixing your gaze on the lamp overhead and inhaling deeply.
"You're... selfish," you stated, filled with ire. "You're always walking around eggshells around me, never telling me what is it that you really want—"
Megumi's unclouded eyes fixed on your trembling form. "We just disagree on a lot of things. You know it and it bothers you. It bothers me too. Rather than forcing our relationship, I think it's better—"
"It's always me!" you yelled then, lips quivering and eyes watering, unable to hold your emotions back any longer. "All dates, lunches—everything!" you locked your eyes with him, in mocking disbelief. "How can you say you're trying when, in truth, I'm the one putting in so much for us?!"
In that very second, Megumi thought that he hated seeing you like this. You were supposed to be the cheerful one in this relationship, and when he agreed to go out with you, he made an unspoken commitment to himself that he would at least not make you miserable.
And yet...
"...I'm sorry."
Came his reply, and you were sure that this was it.
And to rub the salt in your wound, he added, "I can't lie to you and say I haven't thought this for a while too."
As tears welled within you, you wondered and questioned what you lacked that led to this. However, the overwhelming sense of betrayal consuming your thoughts ultimately prevailed over any other emotions.
Now he could've appeared before you as a stranger and you wouldn't bat an eye, as the cold steel in his tone said, "And if blaming me is what it takes to make you feel better, then so be it."
You couldn't pinpoint the source of your sudden boldness, but in the next hot minute, you marched past him, your shoulder harshly colliding with his in a deliberate, almost spiteful manner—which, indeed, was your intention—and then you ran.
Which led to the next scene: you found yourself bawling your eyes out in the girls' lavatory.
Yuji and Nobara saw everything unfolding right before their eyes. They hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but you and Megumi were literally breaking up right the middle of their shared classroom, and it was hard not to follow the discourse until the end.
"Are you okay?" Nobara had come to your side, ensuring privacy by locking the restroom door out of your consideration. You were a sobbing mess, attempting to wipe the overflowing tears away while letting out all your emotions.
"He's..." Your voice faltered amid sobs as you gazed at your steadfast friend, your throat clogging up. "He said... he's been wanting t-to... break up with m-me..."
"That's okay, that's okay..." Nobara brought you to her arms, patting your back in reassurance. "Fushiguro is insensitive like that... don't cry over him now. He's just a wimp, okay?"
"Why is it me?" you asked her, voice brittle, still shaking with tears. "I t-tried everything! Being the supportive girlfriend..."
"If he can't appreciate what you did, then the problem lies with him," your friend stated, traces of irritation brewing in her resolute gaze. And as she firmly grasped your wrist, her next words resonated. "Not you."
. . .
"Do you really have to break her heart like that?" Yuji fidgeted with his hoodie, staring at his best friend with a blend of confusion and sympathy.
Megumi sighed, finally ruffling his hair into a mess, as if expressing his own state of mind. “This is for the best.”
Yuji’s eyebrows visibly creased. “How is this ‘for the best’? She’s miserable, and you…” he assessed him, scanning him from head to toe, “it doesn’t seem you’re faring any better too.”
“The longer she is with me, the unhappier she will be.” Megumi glanced at the bathroom’s direction. “She can deserve better.”
He was always too quiet, too boring, not able to match your energy too. He couldn’t fault you for expecting more, whereas he was just not exactly built for your expectations.
Megumi really thought he wanted it to end. At one point, it even felt like a chore, but…
How strange. Why did it feel like something was clawing at his chest?
Time heals. Megumi knew that by theory, but he really did see it firsthand when he saw you all giggling and happy again three weeks after he initiated the breakup.
With Hakari.
“Yo, what are you glaring at?” Panda asked, but Megumi didn’t pay him any mind.
An upperclassman, Hakari Kinji, was naturally cool and talented. He was laid back, knew how to have fun—all in all, a total opposite of Fushiguro Megumi altogether.
Three weeks. It’s only been three weeks since then.
“Megumi?”
Wait… Aren’t three weeks too fast to get over your ex?
“Megumi!”
“Huh?” he turned to the sentient panda with a jerk. “Oh, what is it?”
He looked at him with a concerned gaze. "Why do you look so scary? It's almost as if you're about to punch someone..."
But who was he to argue? He had no right to be upset now.
"Is it Kinji?" Panda gasped, finally putting two and two together when he followed his line of sight. "Oh Megumi... but you—"
"Just shut up, please," he blurted then, a hint of annoyance in his tone. With that, Panda didn't pursue it further, leaving him with his thoughts.
From where he was at the field, he could clearly see your radiant smile for Hakari. It was clear that the two of you shared a degree of friendship, but Megumi never knew that you two were that close.
...huh?
Why did the sight irritate him so suddenly? Why did his chest twinge again?
What a fool. You're the one driving her away, you idiot.
Suddenly these memories popped up one by one—
Of you suddenly hugging him from behind in an attempt to surprise him.
How he pressed his lips on the crown of your head when you fall asleep on his shoulder.
How you would give him that dopey smile when he pulled you close.
But on harder days after missions gone wrong, he’d ignore you altogether— the slight disappointment in your smile then. How your expression fell when he told you to go. How you slumped and looked back in hopes of him changing his mind.
“Haaaah.” Megumi turned away, unwilling to keep watching you any longer. Why? Why hadn’t it occurred to him before now?
Why did he long for you now? Why not before, when you were still his?
They were right. It seems people tend to desire what isn't meant for them.
What could have been more painfully awkward than being sent into a mission with your ex-boyfriend?
You would kill Gojo for this. Or at least give him the lowest possible score in his teaching evaluation for the year. How could he? Your breakup was an infamous public spectacle, so this setup was undoubtedly intentional!
You were losing your head over this, and yet your ex-boyfriend...
"Keep your guard up," Megumi reminded curtly, in a warning tone. He looked as vigilant and straight as always, as if he wasn't even bothered.
You threw him a dirty look, offended. "You don't have to tell me twice."
This just cranked up the discomfort to an excruciating level. The mix of unresolved tension and memories—okay, you might be an emo, but how were you supposed to be cool with all of these hanging in the air?
Your site of exorcism was an abandoned warehouse, and the cursed spirit in question was supposed to be a grade 3. You two were grade 2 sorcerers now, so you were a perfect fit to exorcise it. But there was indeed this unease in the air that you couldn't put your finger to.
"Isn't it awfully too quiet?" you unwittingly muttered, staring at the darkness of the wall. You couldn't feel any cursed energy belonging to any possible malevolent entity, and that was what unsettled you the most.
Megumi frowned at your line of sight. "It is. Stay close."
You blinked at what he said, and before you knew it, the familiar scent of him being near to you made your entire body burst with this equally familiar warmth. When you looked up to him, seeing the solid sharpness in that dark eyes of his and his jaw set, dead butterflies in your chest rose back to life again, against your heartbreak and better judgement.
Stay close, he said... So he is worried...
And in an attempt to hide how flustered you were, you looked down.
You walked a few good steps, when suddenly he asked, "So, are you with Hakari-senpai now?"
"Huh?" You spun around, your expression a mix of surprise and confusion.
"You two seem close."
Seem close? Seem close... wait, so Megumi had noticed...?
Suddenly, you felt incited and it made you angry. "That's none of your business," your voice carried a sharp edge, hissing. And you knew you were being a bit mean by adding, "You broke up with me, so why do you even care?"
In that moment, Megumi could've sworn his chest throbbed. Your cutting tone pierced directly into his heart, lodging itself there.
You had all rights to be annoyed, and he knew that. Why did that question even slip out of him?
"Nah, nevermind," he mumbled in response, looking away.
Awkwardness lingered afterwards. You hated this, but no, you weren't above being petty. He had broken your heart and it still stung even now. If your intentionally biting words did to him even a fraction of what he made you feel, then you would find a small sense of satisfaction in it.
But you weren't able to ponder about your mess of feelings further when Megumi abruptly yanked your arm, his voice soaking with urgency, "It's here!"
Sure enough, the grotesque cursed spirit with the shape of a giant bee broke through the walls with a bang. The two of you immediately readied your fighting stance. Megumi was ready with his divine dogs, while you with your cursed weapon.
For a while, you engaged the cursed spirit with all you had. You were trying to focus on the enemy, but you couldn't help but notice the way Megumi always looked at you every few seconds, checking for any signs of injury or harm.
Frankly speaking, he trusted your strength and knew that you were a capable sorcerer. You had been paired in a mission before and he knew both your potential and shortcomings. It was just there was something about this place that had his senses on high alert.
And his fears were proven true when you yelped and were flung onto the grimy floor. "Y/N!"
"I'm fine!" you shouted in a rush, scrambling to your feet. However, as you spun towards him, your scream tore through the hall as you caught sight of the bee lurking behind him. "Megumi!"
He got distracted. The bee quickly latched onto him and almost stung him, until he wrestled it off and summoned Nue and exorcised it.
You went to his side that instant. "Are you okay?!"
"I am." But then he winced and almost fell on his knees if you didn't have a secure grip on him. He savored your touch and breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that now you two were safe.
"Megumi! Oh god!" Panic surged through you as you pulled him close. His side was bleeding, and you widened your eyes at the sight.
"I'm okay, I promise," he rasped, looking you in the eyes. "What abo—"
Then you saw it, the flicker from deep from that corner of platform, and suddenly, you grasped the source of the unease that had been lingering within you all this time. It wasn't the bee Megumi had just exorcised—
At that moment, there was no room for thought, one thing was certain: you didn't want him to get hurt more.
He didn't manage to finish his sentence when suddenly you pushed him away with so much force he never thought you had. Everything crashed so suddenly, he didn't have the time to brace himself or grab you with him, as another cursed bee appeared out of nowhere and—
Reality flashed before his eyes as he stared at you in sheer horror. At how the cursed spirit tore your body, sinking its hollow stinger in you.
You didn't really know what happened next. Everything was muffled—the frantic movements around you turned into a blur, along with Megumi's yells. Otherworldly pain coursed through your entire being and your ears rang, then everything in your line of sight became distorted and faded, along with your consciousness. Next and the last thing you knew was Megumi's battered face, a final imprint before you succumbed to the void.
Megumi had exorcised the remaining cursed spirit and staggered to his feet—falling a few times, but he made his way towards you through gritted teeth. You are hurt. He forced himself to get to you and pull you into his arms.
And suddenly, suddenly, nothing mattered anymore as overwhelming terror consumed him upon seeing you. Blood streamed from your abdomen so much that it made a continuous pool.
"You stupid—!" He choked out, voice hitching. You were no longer conscious and it devastated him even more. "Hey, hey? Wake up—hells—"
You, who did everything you could to save your relationship. You, who cried tears for him when he blatantly broke your heart. And you, who put himself first—and now facing the consequences.
It crashed upon him in that very second, the clarity. What was he thinking back then? He still loves you.
"If you die on me, I won't forgive you."
Megumi scooped you in his arms, pressing you close to his chest, the blood seeping from his wound be damned as he looked at your serene face. His heart shattered in the worst way possible and he almost wheezed at the sticky sensation of your blood—and how lifeless you felt in his grasp—but he willed it away.
"Don't," his broken rasp echoed the walls as he took each step to get both of you out of this hellhole. He winced and hissed at his own injury, chewing his lip in frustration, at how helpless he was.
"Don't leave me."
It was like a distant, hazy memory.
Was it a memory though? No. It seemed far too real for that.
The throbbing headache pounding through your skull and shivers that wracked your body pulled you back to reality. There was a heavy pressure on your abdomen and any movement sent sharp pain shooting through you.
You gradually opened your eyes, squinting against the brightness. You were in a hospital gown, an IV was injected on your arm, and the sterile scent made your stomach twist, as nausea creeping through your guts. Your vision was still blurry as you tried to look around to find someone who waited for you. As you slowly turned your head to the side, you saw him, sitting in the chair right next your bed.
Megumi was sleeping in such uncomfortable position, his head resting on the edge of your bed. He appeared peaceful, almost childlike, devoid of his usual stoic demeanor.
Your heartstrings were tugged at this rare sight. He also sustained injuries and yet... he was waiting for you to wake up, here.
Your chest swelled with warmth, which was quickly followed by a sting of heartbreak. Still, you two broke up...
You jolted, and the inadvertent movement sent a wave of pain that seemed to paralyze your nerves, causing you to whimper. The noise woke Megumi from his slumber, as he shot his eyes open in alarm, catching your hand in his.
"Hey... Are you okay?" Megumi worriedly looked down at you with a visible frown, and the grimace of pain on your face, accompanied by trembling lips, was enough of an answer. He hastily scrambled out in slight panic, "I'll get Ieiri-san."
When Shoko came and got you the painkillers, your pain receded somewhat. Through it all, Megumi stood there, casting concerned glances in your way.
"Bedrest for the week," Shoko stated firmly, assessing your wound with a no-nonsense expression. "Your injury isn't minor—it's serious enough that you're strongly advised against excessive movement."
You could only nod in response. Megumi bowed. "Thank you, Ieiri-san." Once the doctor departed, silence settled over the room once more.
“Why did you do that?” he quietly asked then, referring to what you did for him. And when you turned to him, you saw it clearly.
He looked pale, and there was this haunted look in his eyes. It broke your heart a little.
"You were hurt." Your voice came out dry, and you realized firsthand just how parched you were. Seeing Megumi looking down never quite sat right with you. He was meant to be an unwavering presence, someone strong enough to sway your convictions.
However, a pang struck when he countered with stern eyes, "You didn't have to do that."
...he was right. You didn't have to. What he didn't know was that you were still holding on these stupid feelings, which drove you to shield him. It made you ponder: if your roles were reversed, would he not step in to protect you at all?
"Why are you here?" You weren't sure if the bitterness in your tone was evident, but you continued anyway. "You don't have to be here either."
"Don't have to?" His gaze bore disbelief, as if not believing your words. "I'm—"
"If it's because I saved you, Megumi—"
“Do not even think, even for a moment, that I won’t be concerned over you.” His voice, deep and hoarse, struck you to the core, silencing your words. “Never. I always, always want you to be safe.”
Your mind became a blank slate. Suddenly, all that mattered was his voice.
"Don't you realize how terrifying it was? Seeing you like that?" Megumi spat, his green eyes shining with intensity, teeth gritted and fists clenched. "How could you even think that I wouldn't be here—" his breath hitched, and then his lips trembled slightly, "—for you?"
You blinked quickly, a feeling stirred within you—stemming from that cursed, fragile heart of yours to be exact, evident from the rapid thumping in your chest.
You dumbly uttered, "But we are—"
"Oh, Goddamnit." Megumi cursed, and honestly you were taken aback. It wasn't really in him to swear, so this really bugged him. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, and despite the situation, your heart skipped a beat at the sight. Even a mess in a hospital gown, your ex-boyfriend was still undeniably attractive.
He stared at you squarely in the eye, unflinching, steadfast and true, the very image of Fushiguro Megumi you admired from afar and fell in love with in the first place half a year ago. "You don't have to... say anything, if you don't want to. Right now... just hear me out."
And the things he said next... all of them, you could say, caught you entirely off guard.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not trying hard enough, and—damn it, for making you sad. I never, ever wanted to see you that upset."
Megumi drew in a sharp breath, averting his gaze. "And for days, I've wondered if you and Hakari-senpai are now a thing... and you know what? I hate it so much. I know I have no grounds to feel this way, after what I did, but..."
And like a train wreck, his final words hit you hard. Tears welled up in your eyes in immediate response.
“I'm a loser, and a coward too, maybe,” he shrugged, a tinge of self-deprecation in his tone. “And I suck at telling people my feelings, but I love you. I still do.”
A sob slipped out of your throat and you hastily pulled the blanket over your face, much to his surprise. He thought he had worsened things, with the way you were turning away from him.
But then, from beneath the blanket, in a croaky voice, you proclaimed, "Fushiguro Megumi, you're a complete and utter idiot."
And Megumi didn't know that he had been holding back his breath as he chuckled heartily, relieved that you would still take his ass back after this prolonged mess. He knew he still had a lot to make up for and was determined to show it through his actions.
"Maybe I am, yeah."
"That's possibly the longest shit you have ever spouted in one breath."
"Yeah..."
But he got his chance back, and he knew that you would be alright. Both of you are.
On one sunny day...
"Hey, are you alone?"
Megumi glanced up from his phone, only to be met with a random girl standing in front of him, batting her eyelashes with an ambiguous intent. He blinked at her curiously.
"No. Can I help you?"
The girl twirled her hair suggestively. "Ah, you see... I see you all in your lonesome and I think you're quite cute—"
The hell? Megumi frowned, and he was really about to give this bimbo a piece of his mind when—
Oh, oh. Forget that. Megumi's attention snapped to you on the opposite side of the crossroad. All pretty and dolled up with that crop tee and miniskirt he once mentioned would look great on you by a slip of tongue—that accidental comment earned him your teasing quips for weeks already.
"Sorry, I'm here for my girlfriend. Bye."
Abruptly dismissing the girl, he didn't catch how comically offended she was for being turned down in a span of 20 seconds. He took big strides towards you, as you crossed the street, and you immediately beamed when you caught the sight of his face.
"Megumi!"
Ah, this is going to be a good day, he thought. As he gazed at your pretty face, and caught your hand in his, clasping it tightly, reveling in your scent and the warmth of your presence beside him—
He was content, and once again it dawned on him, that he likes you so, so damn much.
"Let's get started on our date, shall we?"
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