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underdark-dreams · 7 months

Note

I just binged all your Rolan x Tav fics on here (about to go to A03 and give kudos ❤️) and just wanted to say 😩😩 Perfect! AND! I saw you wanted suggestions! i would love to see the first interact/first meeting of Rolan and Tav from his POV if you felt inclined! No pressure! Thank you, keep up the good work! ❤️

I've grown so fond of this vague fem Tav I keep pairing with Rolan...so I hope these pronouns are ok for this request! Tav gets her name finally. (Cal and Lia also barged their way into this one in a big way)

Blades and Spells

A sanctimonious soldier isn't Rolan's idea of a good person to know, but is seems Tav is doing her damnedest to prove him wrong. The day of their first meeting at the Grove.

Tags: Fem Tav, Fluff, First Meetings, Sibling Bonding

Word Count: 4,322 [Read on AO3]

"We don't even know these people—"

"They're the closest thing we've got to kin, and you know it!"

The bright and promising midday had been punctured by a bloody ambush at the gate. Kanon was dead—a goblin booyagh's arrow and a nasty fall behind the front wall. No doubt his body was still cooling just a short walk from where the three siblings stood inside the shaded mouth of the Grove.

Their caravan's brief respite was shaken by the attack. Zevlor had retreated to strategize; the other Tieflings were on edge, a few downright panicked, the fresh tension around them only fueling the siblings’ words.

It had been weeks since he and Lia had a proper fight—Rolan felt all the pent-up anger rolling out now.

Lia stood with fists braced on her hips. "And what about the goblins? I know you're handy with a spell, Rolan, but I seriously don't fancy our chances alone on the Risen Road."

"Did you not see what just happened?" Rolan said, casting an arm behind his sister toward the gate. "That treasure-hunting idiot just led them right down on our heads. There’s bound to be more, and I don’t want us sticking around to find out how many."

"That’s all the more reason to stay!” Lia’s voice rose to match his. “These people aren't fighters, Rolan. We’d be cowards to leave. We can protect them—we should—"

“Or keep making a scene,” Cal said from the sidelines, to no one in particular. The other Tieflings had grown used to their bickering many miles ago.

Lia was undeterred. "Is this about your precious Lorroakan? Because I promise you, Rolan, he'll still be there when we finally get to Baldur's Gate."

Rolan's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Oh of course not, why would I want to achieve my lifelong dream, see my family finally be safe and provided for along the way—"

"Don't put this on me and Cal," his sister warned. "It's all the same excuse, you'd have left these people yesterday—"

"Because they're not my kin!" Rolan practically shouted, not caring how far his voice carried. "No matter how many times you say it! I'm not going to risk all three of our lives, our futures, on people who can't seem to keep themselves alive. How do you think I'd feel if I let anything happen to you? Either of you?"

"We know, Rolan," Cal interjected, trying to bring a little understanding.

"If you care about me and my future—" Lia jabbed a sharp nail at Rolan's chest—"you won't ask me to turn my back on these people when they need our help."

As Rolan opened his mouth to respond, he caught motion in his periphery. He turned to see an unfamiliar face standing at the edge of their conversation. The stranger rested a hand on her sword pommel, looking on quietly curious at the scene.

"Yes?" Rolan snapped at her. Sticking your nose into a private conversation hardly deserved politeness.

“Wait," Cal piped up beside him. “I saw you at the gate after the goblins."

Lia was quick to follow, disagreement all but forgotten. “You fought out there just now?” She sounded practically jealous. “Sweet hells, that must have been a rush. We owe you.”

"Good timing, that’s all," the stranger replied, shifting her weight a little. From real or false modesty Rolan couldn't tell.

He finally recognized her then—the one he saw speaking with Zevlor for quite a while immediately after the attack. Judging by the flecks of wet blood on her equipment, and on that of her companions behind her, these were the surprise reinforcements he'd already heard other refugees chatting about in energetic tones.

They weren't so impressive in person. Scrappy, in Rolan's private judgment. His eyes passed over the pouting cleric, the murderous-looking Githyanki with a massive sword on her back, the elf who was glancing around himself as though trying to decide which element of his current surroundings he disliked most.

The other wizard looked sane enough, Rolan allowed. He could practically feel the ripples in the Weave all around the man's shoulders. Perhaps Rolan would have a chance at an intelligent conversation in this place after all.

As for the one in front—she smiled pleasantly at Rolan despite having just walked from a goblin ambush. That, to his mind, marked her as the most eccentric of all.

"Tav," she said, extending her sword hand. Rolan glanced down at the dark stains on her fingers.

Wasn't this hovel filthy enough? His clothes already smelled of smoke and grease from days in close quarters; he drew the line at smearing them with goblin blood.

Tav tracked his eyes, letting out an awkward laugh as she moved to wipe her palm on her pants. From beside him, Lia firmly intercepted the handshake.

"Lia. Forgive my brother, you know how wizards are about their robes." His sister's tone was light, but she shot him a look from the corner of her eye.

As if Rolan cared what some passing stranger thought of him. If he’d had his way, they wouldn't be here to have this conversation at all. But Cal introduced himself as well, looking a bit starstruck.

“Well met,” Tav told them, Rolan included. “Sorry, I know I’m interrupting.”

Perhaps sensing Rolan was about to agree, Lia jumped in. “Please. It’s a pleasure to meet people willing to risk their necks for a bunch of strangers, especially Tieflings. You all heading to Baldur’s Gate?”

“Aye. Same as you, I imagine—”

The inanity was enough to drive Rolan mad; it was like their first days on the road from Elturel all over again. He crossed his arms and zoned out as she and his sister made their meaningless smalltalk. He'd rather get his tail stepped on than do this painful getting-to-know with one more person they’d never see again.

Then he heard Lorroakan's name, and his ears perked up.

“He’s taken Rolan as an apprentice,” Cal was telling Tav proudly.

"Have you met Archmage Lorroakan?" Rolan asked her, suddenly interested in the conversation again. Tav looked at him with hesitation.

"Not personally. Gale said—" She glanced down the slope deeper into the Grove, and Rolan realized that the companions behind her had all trickled away in the short moment he hadn’t been paying attention. Seeking rest and recuperation, no doubt. "Gale was saying he's heard of him."

The human wizard, Rolan gathered. Hearing a stranger speak the archwizard’s name somehow rekindled the fire in Rolan’s chest, one he hadn’t realized had grown so low on fuel. He clenched his fist beside his robes and felt the crinkle of Lorroakan’s letter there in his pocket.

Tav was regarding him with a quizzical expression. "I mean, if an archmage that famous has an apprenticeship waiting for you…I guess I can’t blame you for wanting to move on sooner than later."

"Naturally," Rolan said, a bit stiff. It annoyed him that this newcomer could see more sense than his own siblings.

Then she continued. "But Lia's right. You three seem like you can handle yourselves, and I'm not sure the same could be said for everyone here. We'll need every fighting soul to defend against that goblin nest. Especially you—" Tav directed the comment to Rolan. "Having another Weave caster could make all the difference."

Well, so much for sense. Speaking of we and us as if they all had the same goals. A transparent tactic. Rolan wasn't sure what altruistic world Tav had waltzed out of, but he'd heard enough rousing speeches on kinship and unity from people like Zevlor to last him a lifetime. He wasn't about to listen to one from a stranger.

She was correct, however, to acknowledge the value of his skills. No one on the road here had displayed anything close to what Rolan knew he was capable of.

He glanced one more time between his siblings. The set of Lia's jaw told him her mind was well made up. Cal just looked hopeful for a resolution.

Rolan swore. "Fine. We've only taken our damn time getting here, what’s a few more days lost? If we’re lucky, we’ll reach the city with a good story, at least."

"Thank you, Rolan." Lia was meek now that she'd gotten her way.

“You must be quite skilled,” added Tav, sizing him up a bit. "To catch the eye of the Archwizard of Baldur's Gate."

Rolan didn’t miss a beat. "I am.” Cal rolled his eyes over Tav’s shoulder, but Rolan ignored him. “I’ve been manipulating the Weave since I was a child.”

“It’s true,” Lia confirmed. Still feeling guilty about winning the fight, perhaps.

“Really?” Tav broke into a grin, clearly impressed. Rolan drank in the admiration. "Good thing you're staying, then."

Behind his pride, Rolan couldn't help but feel a bit manipulated. Perhaps Tav wasn't the unsophisticated sellsword that she’d appeared at first.

"Well, I should go find the crew before they make too much trouble.” Tav was turning to leave before she paused, sheepish. “Say—don’t suppose druids keep a blacksmith around? One of those worgs’ teeth put a big scratch in my baby here.” As she spoke she looked down at the sword belted to her hip, almost like an indulgent parent.

“Dammon can fix you up,” Lia told her at once. “He’s one of us, a Tiefling. And he’s damn good. Take a left down the hill and you can’t miss him. Follow the loud noises,” she added, with a grin to match.

“Cheers,” Tav told her. “See you all later?”

The three of them watched her figure disappear deeper into the Grove.

"She stabbed a warg right up close,” Lia murmured, sounding morbidly inspired. “That’s incredible.”

Rolan scoffed at her. “Better to kill it from a distance and not damage your most valuable piece of equipment in the process.”

“Hey.” Cal glanced over to his older brother. “Did you even tell her your name?”

Rolan wasn’t concerned. “I’ll tell her later, if she’s still around.” She and her companions would remember his name soon enough—them and all of Baldur's Gate.

—

In these cramped quarters, it didn’t take long before they encountered Tav again. Her hands swung a bit awkwardly at her sides, as if she didn’t know what to do with them. Her scabbard clanked empty against her greaves; presumably, Dammon was hard at work repairing her blade.

Cal and Lia practically swooped down beside her as she approached. Rolan tried to hide his scowl at their eagerness.

"Have you been around the place yet? Cal and I can show you around, if you’ve got time.”

“I’d like that,” she told them both with a genuine smile. “Perhaps later, if you’re willing? Zevlor told me about your…druid problem. I promised him I’d have a talk with Kagha.”

Who had elected her emissary? Rolan glowered. "I assure you, the druids will tell you it's a foulblood problem."

It wiped the smile from her face, and Rolan found it difficult to feel bad. She wanted to dig through other people's problems? She could get used to uncovering ugly things.

"Yes…well. I'd prefer to keep an open mind," she told him evenly. With another small comment to his brother and sister, she continued on toward the deep clearing where the druids were gathering in preparation for their rite. A place strictly off-limits for Tieflings.

Lia rounded on him. "I swear, you embarrass me worse than Cal sometimes."

Cal frowned. "Hey—"

"Because you care too much about what people think," Rolan answered his sister. "Believe me, she and her people don't care about us. Didn't you hear her little speech before? She only wants more bodies for the fight."

Internally, Rolan was still bristling at the idea that Tav had complimented and cajoled him into staying at the Grove. He didn’t truly believe that was the reason for his decision, but the fact that she’d gotten to him at all unsettled him.

“Come on.” Lia knocked her arm against his playfully, an effort at reconciliation. “I’m just saying, Rolan. It costs nothing to be a bit nicer to people around here.”

Rolan heaved a sigh. Even he was growing weary from all the bickering they’d done today, though he’d never admit that to his sister. “All right. I’ll try, if it makes you happy. But believe me—people like her look after themselves. And I intend to look after us.”

—

Tav hadn’t been in the heart of the Grove for more than ten minutes before she reappeared, practically stomping up the path from the Kagha’s inner sanctum. Apparently the emissary work wasn’t going so well. Without her sword, her hands were clenched at her sides in empty fists. Her expression was thunderous.

“Have you seen Zevlor?” She asked the three of them as she approached, bypassing the smalltalk Rolan was beginning to expect from her. He directed her back toward the carved door in the corner of the cave.

“Everything all right?” Rolan asked, curious in spite of himself.

Tav exhaled sharp through her nose. “Kagha was having a grand time interrogating a hostage. That little girl, Arabella.”

“What?” Cal’s voice rang with alarm.

“I guess she tried to steal the druids’ carving of Silvanus,” Tav told him. “The one they need for their ceremony. Her mother was nearly out of her mind…the child’s all right,” she added in haste. “Back safe with her parents now, but shaken up.”

Lia quivered with outrage at Rolan’s side. “Thank the hells you intervened.”

“Of course,” Tav replied at once, as if the situation called for nothing less. “I understand it’s the idol of their deity, but by all the gods…Kagha was ready to call her asp down on a terrified child.”

“That fucking viper."

Cal wasn’t referring to the snake; his siblings both glanced at him in surprise. He was a gentle soul, but if Cal cared about anything, it was protecting the young ones.

Tav seemed of the same mind. “There’s something about her,” she agreed with a dark look. Abruptly, she wheeled on Rolan. “What do you think?”

She sought his opinion as a wizard, he realized. All three of them were watching him, in fact, hanging on for his answer.

“Ritual magic is quite different from the Weave,” Rolan replied carefully. “Especially druidic magic. I don’t have the same feel for it. But Kagha…”

He cast his mind back to the first day their bedraggled caravan arrived in the Grove. The lot of them exhausted and bloodied after fighting off goblins and gnolls just up the road. Halsin, the massive elf who was then First Druid, squaring his shoulders above the smaller woman who somehow seemed to tower to his same height.

“She’s powerful,” Rolan decided. “Quite. Where it comes from, I couldn’t say.”

Tav was staring at him with an intensity Rolan hadn’t seen on her face yet. She looked far more intimidating than she had to him before.

But then she let out a thoughtful hum, and her features were back to their usual lightness. “I guess that’s one more reason to find this Halsin sooner rather than later.”

They all watched her take her leave toward Zevlor’s makeshift war room, the stone door sliding shut again behind her.

—

As the sun dipped below the horizon and a stiff evening breeze picked up at the cave’s entrance, Rolan and his siblings settled toward the insulated back wall of the Grove where Okta was tending hearth. Whatever the old woman had simmering in her massive cauldron smelled a bit like damp wool, but the warmth of the coals underneath was toasty and wonderful against the skin on Rolan’s face and hands.

Cal and Lia were in wistful discussion on either side of him—something about which landmarks of the city they wanted to visit first. Rolan let the feel of the conversation wash over him without hearing the words. His eyes were on the glowing coals, but his mind was also on Baldur's Gate—that and its great archwizard.

You are fortunate, young Rolan. The flourish with which Lorroakan had written his name floated through his mind's eye. Even the parchment itself was heavy and fine, almost promising of better things. Rolan’s fingers brushed the hip pocket of his robes again as if to assure himself. He still carried the letter with him everywhere, though he’d long since memorized its contents.

From behind him Rolan heard the sounds of a friendly disagreement and turned to look. Tav again. He shouldn’t be surprised; the woman seemed to be everywhere today.

Across the path, she was engaged in a polite argument with Dammon at his tent. The smith held a hand up as if refusing something. Rolan caught sight of the polished sword pommel back in her scabbard once more, and surmised that Dammon must be turning down payment for the repair job after her help at the gate today. That seemed like his chivalrous style.

Indeed, Rolan watched her tuck her leather coin purse away and offer a hand instead. Dammon accepted and shook it with a warm smile.

As he continued watching, the two struck up a friendly conversation. Rolan supposed a soldier would find much more to talk about with a smith than with an apprentice wizard. Her hand was draped at rest over her sword hilt again; that seemed to be an idle habit of hers.

He remembered the city guard back in Elturel displaying the same gesture while posted at watch, and wondered whether she might be in a similar line of work. Back in…wherever it was she hailed from.

Insipid questions that Rolan nevertheless filed away in his mind to ask her at some point. If nothing else, it would make Lia happy to see him making an effort. Being nice.

Rolan glanced again at the dark stains on her fingers. She hadn't taken time to wash and rest yet since the fight. It was all over her, goblin blood and human, small flecks of it visible on her clothing and chestplate and even on the side of her face. Didn't she find it unpleasant? It would drive him mad. But it didn't seem to concern her, and Dammon certainly didn't look bothered.

The smith said something that made her laugh then, and a dimple appeared in Tav's blood-spattered cheek.

Dammon had an easy way about him that always seemed to earn him fast friends. Right now, Rolan found he was a bit envious of the trait. He didn't intend to come off as such a prickly ass, as Lia so affectionately liked to call him—though time and again he seemed to manage it.

The constant setbacks between them and Baldur's Gate had just soured Rolan's mood in recent weeks, he told himself. His apprenticeship was all his mind could dwell on at rest, and each delay was harder to bear than the last.

But none of that was really Tav's fault. Inwardly, he could admit that Lia would have talked him into staying on her own anyway. Rolan found himself hoping that he'd made a non-terrible impression on the newcomer.

An elbow in his ribs broke his line of thought. "What?" Rolan looked around, rubbing the spot with a hand.

"I said, you're staring," Cal repeated. He and Lia were both looking at him—Rolan didn't like the expression on either face.

"Shut up," he said, though neither of them had spoken. "She's got blood all over her, who wouldn't?"

"I'm just saying." Cal put up both palms, his eyebrows raised. "From your face, you didn't seem that put off."

"Maybe she’d like to see your Thunderwave, Rolan," his sister suggested.

"You're both idiots." Rolan turned around with arms crossed, watching Okta pluck a dead chicken as though it might be interesting. The idiots on either side were not so easily deterred.

"There’s something about a woman in armor, isn't there, Cal?"

"I've always thought so." Cal leaned a forearm on Rolan's shoulder, sounding quite sincere. "Hey, you could offer to magic the bloodstains off her stuff for her. Use that presto—presti—"

"Prestidigitation," Rolan supplied, eyes still on Okta's cooking. A shockingly good idea from Cal. But it would be strange to offer that to a person he'd just met; Rolan dismissed the thought.

"She should've just taken the time to clean it herself before it all dried," Rolan said aloud. "The way her companions did, no doubt. Instead of running back and forth back here all day."

"Yeah," Lia drawled. "Saving little girls from pit vipers. What a waste of time."

“Well, only one way to find out if she’s interested.” Cal turned around and cupped a hand to his mouth. “Hey, Tav—”

Rolan would have smacked the back of his brother’s head had the woman not already turned toward the sound of her name. She approached their spot near the hearth looking politely curious.

“Lia was just wondering,” Cal started in—leaving Rolan’s name out of it, a smart choice for his skull— “won’t it take a long time to get all the stains out of your armor?”

“Oh.” Tav sounded taken aback, but glanced down at herself as if just now noticing the state of her equipment. “Oh yeah, this’ll cost me a good half hour at least. And probably both my elbows,” she added with chagrin. “Damn. Got distracted by everything, I guess.”

“Because Rolan can magic it off in a second,” Lia said in a rush.

"Really?" Far from averse, she was looking at Rolan with sudden enthusiasm. "I didn’t know magic could—I mean, of course it can. I guess. Why, are you offering…?” She glanced between him and his siblings then, as if finally picking up on the strange energy between them.

Rolan felt all three pairs of eyes come to rest on him. He could hardly back out now. “If you’re interested,” he told her.

“Hells yes,” Tav laughed. “Are you kidding?”

Lia clapped her hands together softly. “Excellent. Well, since Tav’s interested—” She placed a strange emphasis on the word, one Rolan hoped only he noticed— “Cal and I should get going to set up camp. See you both later?”

“Right,” Cal agreed at once. With that, the pair of them slipped off in a few flicks of the tail.

What a couple of damned children. Rolan let out a heavy sigh; they seemed determined to try every last slip of patience he had.

Tav followed him to a spot closer to the back corner of the Grove, a bit removed from the sounds and smells. A stream of cool air seeped in from somewhere outside the walls, and Rolan breathed in gratefully. He had found it hard to concentrate in the stale surroundings of this place.

“Right.” She stood opposite him, looking a bit unsure. “How does this work, exactly?”

“Just keep still,” Rolan advised her. This would be easier if she took off the pieces of her half-plate first, but asking her to do that seemed unthinkably familiar.

She did as he directed. “Sure you’re not going to transform me into a pigeon or something? Give me wings?”

“This is the simplest spell there is, I’m not an idiot.” Rolan’s tone was irritable, but it only made her laugh. He realized that she was teasing him.

Regardless, Rolan steadied his stance and reached out to the Weave. Whether or not it was technically correct, it was the way he’d taught himself.

Breathe in—quiet each thought—feel the air above and the ground below—

Like a warm embrace from the oldest friend, the Weave flowed as a golden light into his cupped hand. Rolan formed the clear intention in his mind and guided the magic toward her.

“It tickles,” Tav said in surprise, but he could tell she was doing her best to keep still. Her eyes were squeezed shut for some reason.

Rolan blinked at her, not sure how long she had expected this to take. “You can—it’s done.”

“Really?” Tav looked across her chest and shoulders and the greaves on her legs, admiring their new shine. “Wow…neat trick, that. So you’re saying Gale’s been watching us polish our armor and weapons every night when he could just use the Weave for two seconds?”

“The manipulation does take energy,” Rolan told her, not wanting to discredit a fellow wizard while he wasn’t here to defend himself.

Her expression changed a bit. Then she reached a hand to his shoulder. “Thanks for this, Rolan. It might be simple to you, but—” She dropped her arm and cast around with a tired laugh. “Life has honestly been…kind of terrible lately. Thank you for making it better.”

Rolan felt he could stand to hear more of that story, but he doubted she'd want to tell it. “You’re welcome,” he told her instead.

It was a bit awkward traveling back through the winding Grove together toward the entrance, but it could hardly be avoided. Their camps were both in the same direction.

The night patrol were watching vigilantly from the wall; the massive carved gate raised before them as if in anticipation. Rolan stepped out into the dark, cool evening with another grateful breath.

Beside him, Tav sighed wearily. "Well, 'night. Off to enjoy my extra sleep," she said with another smile to him before she turned away.

No such easy goodnight for him, Rolan knew. He imagined Cal and Lia perching awake on their bedrolls, eager to hear what chaos or embarrassment or both their meddling had caused for him this time.

More concerning to him right now was the way his shoulder seemed to radiate where she'd placed a grateful hand before. Rolan rolled his arm a little, trying to shake the tingling warmth near his collar bone. It didn't quite work.

But perhaps he'd think about that tomorrow.

#rolan x tav #fluff #tav x rolan #rolan bg3 #bg3 rolan #bg3 cal #bg3 lia #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #bg3 fic #bg3 fanfiction #underdark-dreams #thegoblinwitchqueen

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max1461 · 3 months

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Here's my other problem with tumblr discourse: even when I make the context/intended interpretation of a post really explicit, people ignore this context and respond to it in like... for lack of a more charitable term, a discoursebrained way.

So a while ago I made a post about some ethical intuition I had, and at the top I put a huge disclaimer which said something to the effect of "this is just an expression of my feelings, it's not meant to be a philosophically airtight position, please don't take it as such", followed by a readmore and then the actual post. Why did I do that? Because I figured that if I didn't, people would nitpick it in various technical ways that missed the basic point. Lo and behold several people still did that, and when I replied basically restating the disclaimer, one of them said "oh I didn't even see that. Well I think if you post a half-baked thought online I retain the right to nitpick it".

I guess that's true. My blog is public. But the point is that I want to use my blog for certain things and not others, right, that's what I'm attempting to do. And people seem actively resistant to my attempts to guide the discussion on my blog in certain directions, which makes blogging less enjoyable. Of course some people will always do that, that fact doesn't bother me, but it feels like the irrelevant/point-missing discourse so often overshadows the meaningful discourse that I start to feel less of a desire to put in the effort.

Like, the point of issuing that disclaimer was to say, as explicitly as I could manage, "I am trying to have a discussion about feelings and intuitions here, I am aware there might be ways these intuitions are not fully consistent, but that is not the discussion I'm trying to have". But even so explicit an attempt to specify a conversation topic does not work; the discourse machine demands a certain kind of engagement and that is the engagement every post will get no matter what.

I don't want to put the person who missed my disclaimer on blast: it's honestly an error that anyone could make and on its own it's no big deal. If said person is reading this: you didn't do anything wrong and I am not mad at you, to be 100% clear.

It's not a one-off mistake that bothers me, it's the fact that this is how discussions on here so often go that putting in the effort to discuss things productively often feels wasted.

Another example of this that... if you go through my #society tag, you will see a lot of uncertainly in my phrasing. You will see me say a lot of "it seems like we should..." and "we should find some mechanism to..." and so on and so forth. Why? Because, as I've mentioned before, I've gotten a lot out of political discourse on here. When it's good, I actually find it quite good. But it's good when it has a constructive or collaborative tone, when I am bouncing ideas or thoughts back and forth with someone. Generally I am trying to invite this kind of discourse.

Sometimes, again, I say it really explicitly. I don't have them off the top of my head, but I know there are quite a lot of #society posts where I've said something quite straightforwardly to the effect of "here are some niche social/political issues I've been contemplating, does anyone have any ideas for how to respond to them". Obviously there's a spectrum in how explicit I am about this, but even when I'm really clear, most of the responses I get are still "discoursebrained", in the sense that they seem antagonistic and generally more interested in saying "X guys are cool and Y guys are lame" than in productively engaging with a set of ideas.

Even if you disagree with my claims or my premises, there is a way to state that which adds to a conversation instead of shutting down a line of inquiry. I am always trying to invite this type of mutually-productive discussion, and I so rarely achieve it.

Over the years my methods have changed. I come from a background of like, forums for specific nerd interests. Those places are plenty contentious, full of plenty of drama and disagreement. But ultimately, I always still felt that productive discussion was valued above destructive discussion; that because we were all united in a common goal of [doing our nerdy hobby], a comment where you build on someone's idea to say something useful to others or to introduce a new insight was generally valued above one where you just said "you're wrong for such and such reasons, hah!" or even "you're right for such and such reasons".

Coming from this background, I assumed this would also be the case on tumblr, and that I would not have to put in any extra effort to invite this sort of discourse. Alas, this was not true; even long and thought-out replies from respected discoursers often just amount to "here are the guys I agree with and here are the guys I disagree with, for such and such reasons". This is lame and boring and not appealing to me.

So over the years I've tried to be more and more explicit about what types of discussion I am trying to have, I've tried to tee up the sort of interactions I want as much as possible, but it hasn't really worked.

The problem is not strictly the quality or measuredness of the responses or their tone or anything like that. These are the things most people focus on when they critique the discourse, but I think they miss the point. The problem is that most responses don't seem to be intended to advance a mutually-productive discussion, they don't build on the base of what they are responding to, they just make various assertions and statements of allegiance in the vicinity of the material they are responding to and call it a day.

Maybe this is too harsh. I'm sure I do this too. And it's not always bad. Sometimes I use someone else's post openly as a jumping off point to elaborate my own ideas (although I try to be careful about this, and also make it somewhat clear that I am doing it), and this can be productive. I do actually want to hear people's ideas. It's not any single instance of these things I'm complaining about, it's just that discoursey responses seem to drown out all other types of discussion, even when you are really clear about what type of discussion you are trying to have.

So that's my complaint.

#navel gazing

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pinkiebieberpie · 2 years

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mornings｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

(single dad!mechanic!bucky barnes x teacher!f!reader)

i knew i had to write this when @buckycuddlebuddy said these two (1) (2) are from the same au... hope you like it! as always i'm not much of a writer. feedback and reblogs are appreciated ♡ and thank you elif for putting this in my head, i hope it's not that bad

words: 2k

warnings: mention of divorce, age gap (bucky is in his late 30s, reader is in her late 20s), hand kink, pet names (sweetheart, baby, honey), kissing, flirting, dirty talk, fingering, eating out, implied p in v sex - let me know if i've missed something ♡

y/n can admit that she likes her job, she really likes her job. she wanted to work with kids since she was very young herself. there was something about being responsible for a new generation, something about being able to influence young souls and brains, teach them what's right, what's wrong and what's truly important in life.

there was also other part that she liked, or should i say loved about her job. james bucky barnes. he was one of her students' father. his daughter was very smart and she was as charming as her dad. y/n knew that he was always flirting with her, or at least when he had a chance to do that.

james had a big crush on her. he was a single father, his daughter was 6 and his ex-wife left them when little cassie was not even 2 years old. he was alone for quite a while now, but if i'm being honest it's not easy being a full time father, having your own car workshop and dating.

one thing about bucky is that he loved mornings. he 100% was a morning person. they were peaceful for him. he wakes up before cassie, makes a cup of coffee for himself and breakfast for both of them. for bucky mornings are slow, it's time when he can relax, read some news, help his baby girl get ready for school. he loves being a father and he is a pretty good one, too. even when cassie was in kindergarten everyone was impressed by how organized bucky is and how much he cares about every detail. cassie was always wearing clean and perfectly ironed dresses, her hair was in two, immaculately parted and made ponytails.

he loved mornings for one more reason - his daughter's teacher. he saw her almost everyday. today was one of those days. the weather was beautiful, it was a sunny morning, cassie was happy and was singing in the car all the way to school.

"miss y/l/n!" she said loudly, almost screamed and waved to y/n.

"hi, sweetie, how are you today?" y/n asked with a wide smile on her face. in that moment bucky felt like he is in heaven.

"i'm good, daddy made me pancakes for breakfast!" cassie looked like she would explode, she was that excited about pancakes.

"that's very nice, cassie" y/n said, laughed a little and looked at bucky "good morning mr. barnes, she's so happy about those pancakes, that makes me believe they are magical or something"

"just made with love" bucky responded, he was a little bit nervous around y/n and that made him feel like a teenager in love.

"well, that's the best and most important ingredient" y/n said and looked in his eyes, they were like oceans, but they were also smiling to her, she felt like she could talk with bucky for hours, just to listen to his voice and look him in the eyes.

unfortunately she couldn't because cassie and her had to go for their classes. little girl held y/n's hand and they both went inside the classroom, the last thing y/n said to bucky that day was "it was nice seeing you again mr. barnes" and that one sentence was with bucky for the rest of the day, because it was more than nice to him seeing her.

next few days were normal, to all three of them. cassie was cheerful as always, bucky was trying his best to be an amazing father and y/n was satisfied with her job and kids' achievements. bucky saw her four times this whole week. somedays he was way more flirty than others. complementing y/n's outfits, her smile, her hair. once he made her breakfast, but cassie was the one that shared it with y/n. bucky was still happy about it - now y/n knew that his cooking was good. and pancakes were only a drop in the ocean of what he was able to do in the kitchen. he was an excelent chef.

next monday bucky was surprised that y/n wasn't at school when he dropped cassie off. he wanted to ask other teacher what happened but he had no time to do that. he had to go to work. today was a busy day for him, he had a few cars to take care of and repair them.

when he arrived to his car workshop he thought his heart would erupt, because what would y/n do here? did she know he worked here? she probably knew that he was a mechanic, there was a chance that cassie mentioned it at school, but there was no way, she knew that he worked here, right?

"um, miss y/l/n?" he asked when he walked out of his car "hi, what are you doing here?"

"mr. barnes! hi, oh my god, you work here?" what a coincidence - was her first thought.

"i do, i'm also the owner" he nodded his head "you need anything? something wrong with your car?"

"yeah, there is this weird noise when i'm driving, i'm afraid it may be something serious "

"we will see" bucky winked at her, he was more confident now, it was his place, he knew what he was doing, he felt like a fish in the sea and he really wanted to help her.

"thank you, mr. barnes-"

"you can call me james or bucky, please" he interrupted her and licked his lips, afraid she may think it's not a right thing to do, he was still one of her students' parent.

"oh, okay, james" when she said his name it sounded like the most beautiful song he has ever heard "you can call me, y/n"

bucky winked at her again and after that he went straight to finding out what happened to her car. she was looking at him, for the first time ever she actually had a chance to look at him for a little bit longer and definitely more intently. he was attractive, there was also something very, very sexy about him working. y/n couldn't focus on anything else but his hands. seeing all the different tools in his hands makes y/n's brain imagine a lot of scenarios. with him and her. she was staring. and he knew that, but it was hard not to stare. his hands were big and veiny, now a little bit dirty too. that was also making her moan in her head. she was daydreaming about james touching her, everywhere. she wanted to have his hands all over her body.

"this is nothing very dangerous, i can fix it in like an hour" bucky snatched her away from her fantasies.

"good" she hummed still looking at his hands, bucky smirked.

"you are staring, you like what you see, sweetheart?"

"i'm sorry, i shouldn't-"

"that's more than okay, y/n" he said it in the middle of her sentence "i like your eyes on me, not gonna lie, i can feel them, they are like electricity. looking at something specific? my hands maybe?"

"i'm not, i'm-" y/n started trembling.

"that's fine, baby, you can have much more of them if you want, all you have to do is ask"

y/n was shocked. cassie's dad was always adorable, in her head he was more than a gentleman, but now? was he offering something? something she wanted? something she shouldn't do?

"what do you mean?" she asked still looking at him.

"i can touch you. i can touch your body, everywhere you want, just say it"

"i- can't, this is not right, james, i'm sorry... maybe i'll leave my car here and come back later?" her heart was pounding so fast, she was nervous "you probably have a lot of work"

"i don't, it's only your car here, i have a lot of time and i'd love to spend it with you" that was a lie, but he didn't care right now, he was closer to her, y/n was afraid he may hear her heartbeat "we can stay right here or maybe go to my office, have a little bit more privacy" bucky fixed her hair and brushed it back behind her ear. his touch was gentle, but his skin was rough.

she knew, they shouldn't do it, but bucky was like a drug and the only thing he did so far was barely touching her cheek and ear. y/n was the one who kissed him first. he kissed her back immediately. bucky's lips were soft and he was really good kisser. shortly after y/n kissing him, he grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to him. she gasped in his lips and he chuckled.

"i barely even touched you and you are already melting, baby, i can't imagine what is going to happen to you when you'd feel my fingers on your bare skin"

y/n wanted, or should i say needed his hands on her skin. not only skin, she needed his fingers deep inside her.

"please, i need more" she whined and looked him in the eyes.

"what do you need? my fingers on your skin? touching and squeezing your breasts? maybe touching your wet, needy pussy?"

"fuck, yes- please, james-" her moaning his name made him weak, almost as much as his words made y/n. she had no idea what has happened to her, but she wanted this more than anything. she wanted him. this attractive, confident man and his fingers. right fuckin now.

they were in his office a few moments later, kissing each other with passion and desire. bucky grabbed y/n's butt and seated her on his desk. nobody gave a fuck about all the different bills and contracts that now were on the floor. he started kissing her neck, she moaned louder than she wanted to, but, fuck, that was so hot and it felt so good. she wanted more. and he wanted to give it to her. james was on his knees in a matter of seconds. he unbuttoned her jeans, looking in her eyes while taking them off. y/n's breath quickened.

"i know you want my fingers, baby, but i have to taste you" he said and moaned when he saw how soaked her underwear was. bucky slowly took them off y/n's body and spread her legs.

his lips felt like a dream. she was floating and it was all because of james. his tongue was skilled and he was doing things to her that nobody ever did. when his fingers joined his lips y/n was sure she would cum in just a few seconds.

"this feels so nice-" she moaned again, closed her eyes and also started moving her hips, y/n wanted more "fuck, james, just like that, right here"

his fingers were touching all the right spots. this and him sucking on her clit was almost too much. y/n's orgasm hit her like a truck and he screamed his name, put her fingers im his hair and pulled them, maybe a little bit too hard. bucky hissed, but was still kissing and sucking on her now swollen and sensitive pussy.

"shit, honey, you were so sweet and good to me" bucky said when he was back on his feet. he kissed her lips so she could taste herself. y/n moaned a little "how about you would rest here, i'll bring you water in a moment, later i'd go work on your car and when it's fixed we can do a little bit more than that? i need to feel you on my dick"

and that's exactly what they did.

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worriedvision · 2 years

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Here's the first ending to the poly tighnari and Cyno fic, this was the intended ending before the Zhongli discussion was a thing lol! Ill add in the link for the fic here when I can!

A few weeks later was when Cyno discovered you were no longer in Sumeru. He believed that you must have had something come up with your work, and the important thing could have waited, but there was something that didn't feel right. The first person he started dating, and this was the first time you hadn't even seen him once in weeks. It's not like he had to try too hard to see you, always finding it endearing when he saw his first love.

But then he overheard a rumour that you left for work in Liyue. He would have dismissed it if it weren't for the fact this was around the same time you had asked to talk to him and presumably Tighnari, the other part of the relationship. He didn't think you would have went to work in the chasm, solely because you were entirely unfamiliar with the area, but from a work point of view the Chasm was really good to work.

Then he finds out that Tighnari looked into it, and found out quickly that you had left.

"Why have you been lying to me?" Cyno asks, hurt evident in his voice. Tighnari winces, this sound being unpleasant. "I've been worried sick for them, and I'm sure you love them as much as I do."

Tighnari doesn't respond for a good few seconds.

"To put it simply, it looks like they must have had a change of heart." Tighnari responds, hoping Cyno would understand his perspective. From his point of view, you weren't able to keep up with him and Cyno, and you never looked happy especially when your boyfriend had changed how he was with you.

"...You saw them leave, didn't you?" Cynos voice cracks, Tighnari nodding. Cyno takes a deep breath, slowly processing the fact that you were now gone from his life, and Cyno scolds himself for treating Tighnari like an exciting new boyfriend and you like the safe lover that he 'always' had.

Tighnari watches as his boyfriend walks away, a tight feeling in his chest. He knew Cyno wouldn't be able to stay mad, but he didn't feel right about it. He should have actually tried to get to know you, past the stuff everyone knew, but he shut you out when you tried to talk to him.

You had been joining a new team of miners that were older and more experienced, and when you were first there, they did quiz you. It was nothing malicious, just for them to check you had a good enough head on your shoulders to navigate through the caves until they went too deep. Satisfied with your answers, they treat you like the 'kid' of the group.

A hobby you had back in Sumeru was stone carving. Sometimes, you had carved small patterns into stones to pass the time when a rock had to be merged with some other material for identification purposes before completing a job. One you always carved to signify where you had been was a four leaf sigil, similar to those ones that hovered. Sure, you didn't have a vision, but this allowed you to at least see the stone carving.

It's like a ritual for you - you had stones ready to deploy, and the miners you worked with found it endearing and cute so they teased you, but they left the stones where they were.

The cavern you were exploring started to show signs of instability, and everyone with exception of the oldest member of the group wanted to leave. When the others go to move back, you see that the bloke wasn't going to leave.

"I'm staying, you guys go ahead." You call out, the man turning to you and placing a hand on his hip.

"Kid, you got a long life ahead of you if you leave." He scolds you. Seeing your gaze not falter, he shakes his head. "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you."

You both walk along, him showing you the picture of his loving wife and his adorable son. The way both of them have genuine smiles, it tells you that this man had people who loved him. You ignore the pain in your heart, listening as he starts rambling about the achievements his 5 year old had done already and a hearty laugh when he finishes his chat, putting his wallet away before he looks over.

"You must have someone yourself." He pokes your side, you realising he was asking about who you had close to you.

"...Promise you won't judge?" The man nods, encouraging you to continue. "Well, back in Sumeru I did have a boyfriend. At first it was really nice, he had his work as a Ma-" you clear your throat, stopping yourself from telling this man about Cynos work. "Well, I can't exactly explain what he does. A really incredible guy."

"I'm feeling a big but in the air." The man says, you nodding your head.

"At one point, he got interested in another guy. It wasn't cheating, it was only that I saw the way he looked at Tighnari. I asked him to have the guy join the relationship, thinking maybe it would be nice." You think to yourself, unsure what else to say. "I tried to get closer to him myself, to know my 'other boyfriend' better, but he couldn't stand my job. My lover stopped giving me the affection he once did, and well I knew that I lost him the moment that man came along." You say. "And that's what brought me to the Chasm."

The man across from you nods, silently agreeing to keep this to himself. You both walk on, and he asks you to tell him when you want to start dating again. It was almost like he himself knew how painful this stuff could be. You keep placing the rocks, your mind screaming at you that these were going to be especially important.

The man falls through the ground, and you instinctively grab him, not following safety guidelines as you grab his side. He understands what you're doing, but not why, simply deciding to hold onto your side as you both fall. You close your eyes, praying that someone could figure out how to get enough elemental energy into the stones of yours to get enough four leaf clovers to get out.

Tighnari gets an urgent request to run along to the opening of the Chasm, and he rushes along with the fear in his mind that you were hurt somehow.

The sound is overwhelming for Tighnari, and he almost turns back until he realises people are calling for two names, one of which being yours. Tighnari picks up his pace, grabbing his bow as one stone in particular stands out. It does sound silly in hind sight, but Tighnari got an idea. He infused a bow with dendro, aiming and taking a shot.

His mouth falls open, gasping as he watches four leaf clovers spawning in. His ears pick up on someone using the device, and he keeps aiming and shooting at the rock as he jogs along to get to where the first leaf spawned. Chances are, neither you nor the guy had a vision, so he would have to be the elemental source. He spots the line that implies someone is using the teleporting device, and he expects to see a second one despite not hearing it. When he realises you're holding onto someone, he can't stop himself from dropping everything and sprinting towards you.

You drop to the ground the moment you see the surface, your older colleague pulling you safely away from the edge. Hearing footsteps, your eyes close out of exhaustion after the prior events, thinking it was simply your colleagues.

"Sweetheart?" Tighnari hushes out, not able to ignore how the man you had saved with you glared at him "Can you hear me?" Tighnari doesn't even realise he's just given you a pet name, simply administering the best care he could.

"You." He hears someone say. Reluctantly, his head looks up, regretting his actions when he makes direct eye contact with the guy. "So you're the one they were talking about." Tighnari's head tilts, him not understanding the question. "Haven't you done enough?"

Tighnari feels you stir in his grasp, and he turns his attention to you.

"Honey, I'm here." Tighnari hushes out, you not leaning away. "Are you feeling okay?" You groan out, clearly not wanting to stay awake for now.

"I'll be taking them back to Sumeru." Tighnari states, holding you in his arms as he stands up. "Rest assured, I willy take care of them."

"Stop playing with their heart, you twerp." The man growls, his wife reprimanding him before she gets Tighnari to stop for a moment.

"My husband told me about that stone, something about them carving those personally." His wife starts. "Please, I want to thank the both of you. Them for somehow carving those stones to be effective, and you for uh... Doing what that was." She laughs lightly, Tighnari nodding before leaving.

You wake up in Tighnaris bed, and you already knew you were back in Sumeru, specifically the region where Tighnari stayed. You get up, holding back the gasp out of the immense pain you got, before you try to sneak out.

"And where do you think youre going?" You hear Tighnari tease, before he gets up and lightly places you back onto bed. "Morning, sleepyhead."

"I need to go back to the Chasm. I have work there, and I need to move on." You explain, crossing your arms before wincing. Tighnari can't help but smirk, him handing you some medication to take for pain relief.

"No you don't." Tighnari states. "After a discussion, your boss and I came to an agreement. You'd create those stones, and I'll even let you get the stone samples from Sumeru yourself, and these would be shipped to them for their own uses." Tighnari explains.

"That solves one problem, but it doesn't change the fact I can't get over Cyno." You explain, Tighnari nodding.

"Well, I did shut you out." Tighnari admits, sitting next to your bed before continuing. "Let's give this a real chance, I think we have more in common that we've thought." He smiles, you nodding before starting to talk.

Cyno visits Tighnari a week after the incident, and he wasn't mentally ready to hear your voice. He hears it, and he fails to ground himself before he runs over to the source of the noise, that being laughter from Tighnaris place. Opening the door, there you both are. Tighnari looking rather happy with himself, successfully making you laugh and you leaning into his embrace.

Cyno enters the room, and the both of you look up. Cyno feels like he's in a dream, he had been trying to stop thinking of you but nothing worked. He reaches out, touching you to make sure you weren't an illusion as he stares blankly. After he pauses, he wraps his arms around Tighnari, crushing you in between the both of them. Hearing you yelp, he pulls away apologising before he holds you closely.

"You won't believe what happened" Tighnari stated, him starting to explain what happened while you held Cyno in your arms. Cyno doesn't seem to want to let go, he still think you must not actually be here, especially so close to Tighnari. It felt like he was on cloud nine, both of his lovers finally realising they were also compatible.

#gender neutral reader #genshin impact imagines #angst #tighnari #tighnari x gender neutral reader #tighnari x reader #cyno #cyno x gender neutral reader #cyno x reader #cyno x reader x tighnari #cyno x gender neutral reader x tighnari

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munkiey · 11 months

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First of all, hello lmao. I just found your blog because I love lmk stuff even though I'm not very active on this social network, I've seen your amazing art on other social networks, and I wanted to ask you kindly if you could help giving me some tips to be able to promote my art or my blog in a better way or how to get people to see my content more, because I have seen that you have been very popular here in such a short time and I have been here trying for more than a year and I have achieved almost nothing, when I share my art on various sites there are no comments and I don't know what to do anymore, I am a bit desperate because I really want to work on this because I love it, it is my passion and also I will want to have some income with commissions because I need it, so yes I would like to make money doing what I am passionate about, but sometimes I wonder if my art is really good or what am I doing wrong because nobody responds to me when I post something. It was long, sorry if this has bothered you, I hope you can answer me, I feel that it would help me.

Okay so what you’re asking about is marketing. Now in the grand scheme of things bud, I’m actually pretty small. Maybe in correlation to a small fandom I might have made an impression but as the internet at large I’m a guppy compared to some of the big fish. Honestly, I prefer it that way.

The bigger you get the easier a target you are, and the less you’re a person to the people you interact with. Don’t forget that.

The old saying, it's lonely at the top, is very true. The bigger you get the more likely people are to put expectations on you for how you should behave or what they expect. You’ll always be vulnerable to criticism and unable to reach out to your ‘fans’ in a fashion that isn’t either going to leave you exposed or looked at with scrutiny. When it comes to breaking into a fandom though, choosing what your focus is and making sure you have in mind what branding you’re going for. People like consistency and they like predictability. Think about some of the most famous Youtubers today, they’re always updating and they have a ‘theme’ to what they do. I’m a comic artist and wannabe animator, that’s what my content is. I post occasional illustrations between larger projects but as a whole people who follow me can generally expect I have something in the works.

Looking at your message as a whole though I’m gonna give you a little bit of a hard pill. Don’t base your worth off what other people say. Yes, not getting any responses s u c k s. We’ve all been there and we all want to know how we did. In the grand scheme of things artists are a line of lil dogs wagging their tails and waiting for a pat on the head. You gotta find joy in just chasing that passion though. I see a lot of artists chasing clout and not chasing their artistic passion. They base every decision off what people want, or what they think will get them noticed. It’s very hollow. You can make a living in the comic book, illustration, animation, industry and never be noticed by the online sphere as a whole. Trust me on that, the amount of people I see that I know are published and recognized artists in the industry and have almost no following is a pretty regular thing. Again though, that comes down to your focus and what you want. If you want to have an online presence and gain a following, choose your lane, market yourself and keep your social media oriented towards that. Make a character for yourself and how you want to be perceived by people. I’m not always as cheeky in person, or horrific, but I like the humor of it and it builds a persona for me online. If you want a career and you want to chase that dream, focus on improving yourself first. If you keep posting it online, trust me, the rest will follow.

There is no magic pill to making a social media following overnight. There are tricks, things to do to help grow it over time. Marketing classes are a thing and can help. But all and all, I’m also a believer in the fact that, if you love what you do, the rest will gradually follow.

#munkiey #asks

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not-poignant · 15 days

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hi pia i just wanted to respond to what you said in your tags about the burnout w chronic illness. and i dont mean to condescend or blame but i think your burnout came about because you are an absolute beast of a writer!!!!! the amount of words you were pushing out consistently had me wondering what kind of spell you must’ve been on. (in a good way, except it turned out to be harming you) you worked really really hard for a long time, i think harder than many healthy people even (my chronic illness could never). i know you also enjoyed writing (we enjoyed it too!), but that workload honestly never looked sustainable. the astounding part is not that you burned out, but that you managed to push for so long, despite your handicaps and hardships. want to be careful not to sound like im praising/blaming you. but you’re really just build different than a lot of folks. i hope you had time to recharge so far and keep taking it easy. i do miss your updates but i can assure you im fine waiting, as are your other readers! its really okay! get better soon 💐🐀💓

Hi anon,

This is very kind of you to say, but tbh, I don't think many people know how much some writers can, well, write.

I might seem like an over-achiever, but there are writers out there who easily write around 6000-10000 words per day, and release a book per month. I have met successful authors who aim for 150k or 200k at NaNo, because 50,000 words is 5 days of work to them.

It's hard for me to comprehend, because I know I can't do that. But likewise, I think many folks don't realise that I actually used to write a lot more than I do now!! For some years it was normal for me to write 50-80,000 words every single month. NaNo was a joke. That caused burnout, and so I adjusted down to a 25,000 minimum monthly wordcount which sometimes felt so easy that it was absurd. I now have a maximum which I have to adhere to per month (50k), because it's too easy to go past it.

For me, writing is relatively easy. It's still work, yes. I still need to put time into it. But I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who hasn't done it for thousands and thousands of hours. I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who can only touch type at 80 wpm, when I touch type at 120-150 wpm.

The amount of stories is an issue, and the number of chapter updates is an issue, but the actual output re: words themselves really isn't. In fact I've written more words this month than I did last month already, and will very likely hit my monthly minimum with the next chapter.

The things that contributed to my burnout are multifaceted. Getting a puppy. A death in the family. Not having access to the mental health drugs I need to function for a long period of time. Friendship disintegration. These things can cause burnout in anyone, even if they are working very sustainably, because they all require separate labour on top of the labour that someone is doing for their job.

When I come back from hiatus, I will not be writing less. I don't believe the wordcount is the issue and haven't for a long time. I will be scheduling out less chapters, because admin is overwhelming to me. If you told me that my job wasn't writing anymore, but I had to schedule + figure out when to post twice as many chapters, I'd fail, lmao.

So I will be addressing admin stuff! But the amount of words I was pushing out, anon, was completely sustainable, and in fact a highly reduced number compared to what I was pushing out 6/7 years ago. Anon, I have been pushing out this many words or more for 5 years without stopping until now. It's felt comfortable. It's been so much less than what I used to make myself write.

So yeah, again, it can be hard for people who don't do this professionally to imagine writing at this level. And all professionals are different. I couldn't write 150k for NaNoWriMo, but the people writing 100k a month find that extremely easy to do. How I feel about their output - that it's impossible (because it is for me) is not how they feel about their output. For them writing 50k a month to make it easy might be extremely laughable to them, like, 5 days of work and then they get 25 days off. That's sometimes how I've felt about 25k (though it's more like 10 days of work to me - which is great, because I have chronic illness lol, so I need a lot of rest days and periods).

The amount of words I was pushing out consistently will be the amount I go back to because that is truly the most sustainable part of my job. I don't expect folks who haven't plugged in as many hours into writing, and who haven't written millions of words to understand, but the fact is the more you do something, the faster you get at it. The more practice you have, the more competent you become.

That was actually how I knew the burnout was so bad, because the easiest part of my job - the words + the writing - was impossible last month, and I only ended up with 14k for the first time in 5 years, and had to make a call.

The reason the hiatus is so frustrating is that so much of it is being caused by external factors, and not actually the job itself. Like yes, I am working on too many stories, and I can address that, but I was actually doing much higher wordcounts when I was working on less stories.

It's all the extra stuff that becomes very overwhelming! But I'll get there anon, and my wordcounts aren't going anywhere.

#asks and answers #pia on writing #no one else can decide what is causing my burnout except for me and my therapists #and someone else being like 'i couldn't imagine writing your wordcounts so it must be that' is like #it's kind of you to want to problem solve it anon but that is not the problem #those word counts are actually the *solution* to #a different kind of burnout i had 5-7 years ago lmao #if a person cooks dinner every night all their life #and then has 20 other things in their life go wrong #so they can't cook dinner anymore #the thing they need to permanently stop is not cooking dinner #it's the 20 other things #aslkfjsda that's where i'm at #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

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esssteee · 8 months

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Thanks for the tag @yletylyf <333

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 13

2. What's your total A03 words count? 351,919

3. What fandoms do you write for? grishaverse and castlevania. i'm still a baby writer, having started actively contributing to fandom works not quite 2 years ago.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

we are the wild youth chasing visions of the future (gv, aleksander/alina), young liars (gv, aleksander/nikolai), with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai), winding and unwinding (gv, aleksander/nikolai), i will eat you alive (gv, aleksander/nikolai)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yep, almost all! if i receive several in a row, chapter after chapter and by the same person, than i will more likely just respond to the last one, but i do like giving an answer to any feedback and show of love i get!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

um, good question. i don't think I've written a true angsty ending. i have several open/ambiguous endings, but the ending for me and the devil (gv, aleksander/alina) is the most ambiguous of the bunch just because it can be interpreted as alina just going stir-crazy from being alone and forgotten for so long and imagining aleksander by her side and staying with her, so it can be angsty if you take it that way.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai) cause they end up pseudo married and ruling together (yay!)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! too small a fandom writer for that and i'm ever thankful for it!

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

me? smut??? XD just look at the rating for each fic and the associated tags, i guess i do love developping characters through the very intimate act of them falling in bed together. no real kinky sex or anything, but there's often lots of hidden (and not so hidden) feelings behind the act. most smut i've written can be considered rough and/or passionate, since there's a kind of desperation born out of the characters thinking they only have that one single time to be with the other so they're giving their all. i do love exploring the vulnerabilities that come from that for sure!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i haven't. it's never really been my fav thing, but if done well, it'd read one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so, not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i had someone asking to translate one, yes.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

no!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

that i've written? aleksander/nikolai in gv for sure, aleksander/alina a close second. but as a reader, i just love love love the perfect OT3 that is alucard/trevor/sypha from castlevania (if you haven't read baba by crownofpins, GO READ IT NOW)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

none, i'm just terribly slow right now. life is throwing a ton of shit at me (dog being very sick, work is horrible, energy at the lowest point), but i keep daydreaming about each fic and slowly coming up with future parts in my head if not on paper.

16. What are your writing strengths?

ah man i don't know, getting into the character's head for which i'm writing the pov from, making their thoughts and feelings just as important as anything going on. i guess because of that i strongly favour inner conflict storylines.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

too wordy. also pantsing my way thru a fic instead of really sitting down and coming up with a plan ― we are the wild youth chasing visions of our future really forced me to come up with a strong plan, which i never would have been able to do without @theonewiththeory's immense help, girl i never would have been able to achieve what i did without you!! it is my first fic in english, the first one i wrote as an adult, and it shows, but i'm still proud of it! but i definitively continue to struggle with planning and too often i fall into the bad habit of vibing along with it. also, big external-conflict plotting is a hard thing for me, tho i wish i could become better at it since it's always so fun as a reader and i'm always impressed by writers who pull an intricate plot so flawlessly!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'm not a fan of it. so often the other language is plain up butchered, and there are ways to do it without having to juggle the hassle of writing a dialogue in another language and needing to translate it so the reader knows what's going on. but as all things, they are exceptions to the rule and anything can be done well!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh man the lord of the rings (with a very mary sue oc even! but i remember having such self-indulging fun with that oc and all the research needed to flesh the story out) and the legend of zelda/ocarina of time (at least i went with link for my mc in this one!)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

when i was 12, i started a complete rewrite of ocarina of time which i of course never posted online. it was in french and i was only doing it for fun. but i still have one version of it and oh boy is it cringe-worthy XD big fail, i read that question as the first fic written ― my brain is really elsewhere these days. my fav fic is definitively with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai) which became a comfort reread when i need to feel better by reading about familiar and intimate characters. the whole series (of monsters and men) is something i'm really proud of, even with its faults and misgivings, but that third and final part has left me with the biggest impact personally.

Tagging: i'll tag a few people (no pressure, it's only if you want of course!), but anyone else who see this and wanna do it too, have fun with it (and tag me! i wanna read about people <3)

@theonewiththeory, @ladyverdance/@greensaplinggrace, @inahandful-of-dust, @aloveforjaneausten, @fantomette22, @goatsandgangsters, @zizygy, @itsnotunfinisheditsmystyle

#tag game #my fic

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nopenototdaysatan · 5 months

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I would be very interested to hear your Green headcanons (or any other headcanons you have) if you would be willing to share :))

no pressure tho<3

Yessssssssssss! Hello friend. Welcome to the chaos because I have been wanting to talk about my colors (plus Zelda and Shadow) playlist for forever and now I have a reason to do it.

But, before I start I need to explain some stuff and give the link. I've been listening to a lot of Gen Z Alt so, the themes are a little more dark and mature which will come into play in different ways for each of them. Some it's just the darker things they had to handle during their quest others it's post adventure and how they respond to that adventure. I had a lot of fun with this so, let's begin. Here's the link to the playlist:

Blue: "Angry Too" by Lola Blanc-

Blue starts off the playlist because they're my current favorite color. And because this song is fantastic. I don't think I could have ever found a better song for Blue and I take no criticisms on this song. It feels perfect for both the anger Blue struggles with in game and how I think they would struggle with it post game. To me this song shows the balancing act of reasonable anger and anger that is just there to hurt. Lola talks about how she tries to reign in her anger and yet how she still feels angry in spite of it even if she has control. She also talks about her anger not being seen when she has truly been hurt. And that is something I could see Blue struggling with because when is it okay to go bat shit insane and when do you need to hold it close and bury it deep.

I would also like to say that I absolutely love the trans!girl Blue head canons. I don't know what about trans!girl Blue makes me so happy but it just fucking does.

Favorite lyrics for Blue in the song:

I don't wanna be the monster in the making

I don't know how to be, just standing by blankly

If you knew what I knew you would be angry too

Oh good girl. Why you upset? Guess they have forgotten what they did

Green: "Throne (ft. Neoni)" by Lost Identities Remix

The reason we are here. People can drag this song from green over my dead body. CX

Let me first give some context for this. I've always seen Green as a leader even though we really don't see much of it canonically. He just has the aptitude for it and would be the most reasonable of the four to do it. I can't see anyone else doing it. Now, this is where my old college leadership minor comes in. There are numerous different leadership styles let alone getting into the what you need to be classified as a leader or the ethics of it. We're gonna keep it simple tonight though. The main component of a leader is to be able to guide a group of people to complete a goal. The style I see in Green is Servant leadership. You normally aren't going to as easily notice Servant leaders as they aren't generally giving the orders. They instead help and guide their team along the path to achieving their goal. Now, I could actually see him being a more standard style of leadership like giving orders to others( he also has a lot more interactions with the knights so he would have their trust.) but to those who are closer to him he won't. He'll just guide them to success. Now, that my need to blather about leadership has been satisfied let's talk about the song.

I see this song talking about two different things. Either this is calling out Vio right before they fight or this is him letting anyone know that fucking with his princess will be met with annihilation. In essence he's over here saying back up and back off before he uses his skills (and leadership) to make you wish you had never thought of this. This song to me really shows how far he could go if pushed to the extreme.

Green is Zelda's right hand man. Prove me wrong.

Favorite lyrics for Green:

So, you wanna go to war with me? Talking to me like you're royalty? You think that I'm afraid... But I don't break.

So, you wanna be my enemy? You better know that I won't kiss the ring.

I don't belong with your nobility. Who died and made you king of anything?

Red: "My favorite things" by Elliot Lee -

Red! The hardest one to find a song for. Oh God, it took me forever to find something good for him. This isn't even his first song I had a different one originally to keep with the darker themes but it was also way too dark and just felt more like an extreme version of him than just a mature version of him. Then came along this masterpiece.

Context time again!!! My grandmother had a music box with the original of this song that was placed in my brother and I's room when we stayed there as kids. The og version of this song is my childhood. The whimsy, innocence, love and beauty of being a kid. So, when I found this song after reading a really good red chapter on AO3 I knew this was the one.

It's dark and gritty but the words are about all these things you love as kids. It's the perfect epitome of Red and how even in the worst parts of their adventure he still keeps to his heart and believes in others. His strength of heart is amazing and needed to be treated with respect on this playlist.

Favorite lyrics for Red:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things

When I'm feeling Sad I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

Vio: "VILLAIN" by Neoni -

Vio is a pain in the ass as expected of him. I actually have a smaller playlist for him but none of those songs vibes for what I wanted for this playlist. I needed to show both his darkness and his light. He couldn't be one without the other and this felt good for that. He needed to be both the good guy and the bad guy or in this song both the hero and the villain.

Vio is complicated and as much as the manga feels like it tries to put his allying with shadow as him deceiving shadow the whole time, I just don't believe it. I think there's a little bit of darkness to him that he is willing to let out to achieve his goals and though his goals are righteous his actions still cause harm. And this song gave me that vibe through both the music and lyrics.

It's a song of feeling at the end of your rope and deciding to say fuck what everyone else thinks I'm gonna do what is necessary to make everything better no matter what it is. This is one of the songs I don't think many people would disagree with me on.

Love when people decide that Vio says fuck gender it's a nuisance because same.

Favorite lyrics for Vio:

Lavishes and sycophants while we are out here suffering

As you pretend, fake innocence; I'll play my tiny little violin

If I can't be your hero I'll be your Villain

I'm the monster you created. How could you ever forget me now.

All the kings horses and all the kings men can't put my sanity together again

And now to the two who cannot be ignored and are the true stars of the show: Shadow and Zelda!!!!!

Shadow: "LOVE AND WAR" by AViVA

This is just canon.

But seriously, if you want a song talking about the betrayal and confusion shadow must have felt at the end then this is it.

The song tells the story about having loved someone only to find them gone and not knowing whether they actually loved them or not. And what to do now? They have no idea. The only truth they have is that all fair in love and war. Shadow had grown a strong friendship with Vio and was hoping that they would be together for life only for Vio to betray him and now he doesn't know what to do. He's stuck in this in between of continuing to follow Vaati and Ganon or going after his once friend and whatever that may involve. Having to choose between someone who actually saw him and living. Living himself or watching the one person he cared about be destroyed by Ganon and Vaati. It's heartrending and this song really shows the confusion and dread behind these moments.

Cat shadow headcanon is best headcanon. Liquid shadow is a good boy.

I find it hilarious that so many of us look at shadow and just see a future good boy and then look at Vio and see the darkness he could be. The two really bring out the other part of each other both good and bad.

Vidow is characteristic tragedy and I love that about them. Realistically they would never be able to work due to how they hurt each other but that's the beauty of it.

Favorite lyrics for Shadow:

You were there but now you're not. I couldn't keep up and now you're gone.

This friendship was pretend. I meant it. Now, it's dead.

I still don't know what to do.

You've cut my heart from me. You run from me. But I trusted you so. Just let you fight with me. Fight for me. Now I really don't know.

All's fair in love and war. You were there but now you're not.

Zelda: "Army" by Besomorph, Arcando, Neoni -

The leading lady of the hour is here!!! Just like Shadow's song this is just canon. I will be taking no criticisms on this either. I will fight anyone who thinks she just stood there. You do not get Zelda being able to actually change Shadow's mind from her doing nothing. She was absolutely working to change Shadow and help him become the good boy we all know and love. It wasn't just Vio that helped Shadow. Zelda played her part in this and that is why "Army" fits her perfectly.

She would do anything for the colors and Shadow. She has their back every single God damn day and she would fight anyone who dares to fuck with her best friend and hero. And she has an actual fucking army if they need it. Zelda is their main support and she wields that trust gracefully. Zelda if anyone ever dared to talk shit about the colors + shadow: "What did you just say about this country's hero and my very dearest friend?(said threateningly)"

Love fsa's Zelda.

Also, Zelda/Green with both being super protective of each other but in such a way that the other doesn't know. They threaten each other's enemies on the down low and tell no one else. CX

Favorite lines for Zelda:

Seeing monsters out your window, no you can't sleep you pretend though.

You don't have to play the hero

Cause I got you like you got me

If you're going to war then I'm going with you. Pick up my sword there's nothing I won't do.

Swear on my breath that I breath I will never retreat I will be your army

When your nightmares turn to real life, when your mind's filled with landminds, we will face it standing side by side

Thank you for coming to my Tedtalk! *Takes a bow*

#four swords adventures #four swords manga #red link #blue link #vio link #green link #loz #shadow link #Zelda #this originally had a link song but it barely works and wasn't giving the message I wajted it too so to the drawing board.#look at them!!!!#they're adorable #the colors are so much fun and I just genuinely love their content so much #hope everyone enjoys the playlist

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allamericansbitch · 1 year

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Everything I've learned about Matty Healy has been deeply gross to me. I've liked Taylor Swift on and off throughout the years. And always liked her art. I don't call myself a Swifty because I don't agree with or defend all of her behavior. But I do follow her and know a lot about her and the fandom. So I feel like when I'm being critical of her, it's from an informed place, yk? But I see all these creators on Tik Tok, who aren't even fans, responding to this just for the content, and either saying things about her that aren't true, or responding with plain misogyny. So while I am just as troubled by her association with him and disappointed in her lack of vocal support for abortion rights and trans rights, I'm also concerned about people not being critical about the WAYS they are choosing to criticize her. Yes, she is very privileged. She and her family before her have benefited from capitalism and she makes being "a good business woman" part of her identity. She's benefited from this system. She surrounds herself with POC and queer performers on tour but then makes then share a stage with a bigot. She speaks out for social justice the loudest when she's effected by it, when the size of the platform she's worked to achieve and the values she's monetized in Miss Americana give her a responsibility to do more than that. (Tho I have my own opinions about celebrities not being the best demographic to be activists). All of this and more is worth approaching with critical thinking. But when people who only know surface level stuff about this and about her throw out misogynistic dog whistles like "she's Never been discriminated against" (she's been SA'd in her work place. That's definitely discrimination). Or she's "playing the victim" (a woman can make mistakes without being a calculated manipulator). Ultimately, while the situation is very different to 2016, I just don't want to see the same misogynistic dog pile we did back then. Where everybody that was already against her because they aren't comfortable with women being sucessful or talented jumps on top of valid criticism and dilutes it with bad faith vitriol. Ultimately I do want to see her showing the overt support at her concerts for the LGBTQIA community with her words as well as continued actions. Artists like Lizzo, Harry Styles, Panic! (back when they were touring), and so many others are speaking at their shows specifically about anti trans and anti abortion legislation and waving our flags. When people say it's a safety thing, I don't believe them because these other artists are doing it. Even if that's the intention, the effect is that space is being held at her shows for homophobes to buy a ticket and feel comfortable there. Again, I don't think celebrities make good activists. But I also think inadvertently catering to homophobia and racism goes against her stated values and I'd like her to address that. And for god's sake stop bringing Matty Healy on stage.

Asking anon jic somome wants to send me a death threat for not having the "right" thoughts about this.

yes! this is very well said and i agree. sadly there's always gonna be people who are just flat out sexist and will see the valid criticism she's getting and decide to join in their not-so valid narrative riddled with sexism and misogyny. the water always gets a little murky with these things.

this situation is 1000% different from the 2016 situation because that was powered by misogyny and the act of using her as a scapegoat for people's anger during the election, it wasn't really about her as a person but more of what she represented to people- which was a rich white person taking advantage of their privilege and not speaking on anything or using their platform for good. And I think the label they gave her as ‘always playing the victim’ was very aggressive for the time because while she had her moments, generally she wasn’t doing that and like you mentioned was a victim of many things.

However now I feel like we are very much inching too close to that and it’s making me nervous due to the amount of people who took that stance back then in 2016 and being like ‘I told you so! She’s playing the victim again’ because tbh I can totally see it being spun that way.

And to the great point you made about how bad people can feel safe at her shows, I’ve seen a few people point that out as well. I saw a video of someone who went to a show, saw people singing yntcd and then saying homophobic things in the parking lot after the show. I also understand the idea of her not speaking out as a safety thing… but her not speaking out makes others also not feel safe at her shows. Their safety is also important and, by Taylor not speaking out, she’s providing a space for them to feel threatened.

#answered #anonymous

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fallevs · 5 months

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HAPPY FIRST SOME SENTENCE (lessons?) SUNDAY (monday, hehe) OF THE YEAR, an idea from the lovely @cerriddwenluna that I loved and am sorry I couldn't respond to yesterday! I will try today, though, because this year has been, I must say, kind of good and I have really learned a lot. So thank you so much for the tag, here's what I realized in this now ended 2023 ✨️

Healing is possible. Admitting that you need help is the most important and mature step you can take. Relying on therapy is important. I started the year feeling like crap, crying regularly every day, nothing seemed to work in my life until I said stop and went to therapy. It's been 10 months and I'm really much better. Not perfectly, but when I think about the me from last February, there has been very strong progress. And it's wonderful to realize that.

With age does not necessarily come wisdom. I got to talk to my old classmates from kindergarten, elementary and middle school (the same 20 people for 13 years, yes) whom I had not heard from or hung out with in more than 10 years. Just because we are now 26 does not mean we have matured. I certainly have; some of them are still those people who enjoy humiliating you in front of everyone. Stay in yours; I'll go my own way without you.

You don't know you have a passion until you throw yourself into something. Writing? Yes, let's say I've always enjoyed it. I am not an expert nor do I have a strong command of language (I don't have it in Italian let alone in English lmao), but why let that stop me? I tried. Some people liked it, some didn't, but the single fact that I tried... it was something unthinkable to me!

People are never as they present themselves, and I have to stop creating a version of them in my head, because I get punctually disappointed.

Just because someone does not appreciate what you do does not mean you are not good.

Change hair color if you think it will help. Change makeup brands, change clothing styles, change the shape of your glasses. If something is bothering you, change it. Don't think you have to keep it because it is simply part of you or because you think it can't work. Things may surprise you. And remember to smile at your reflection more often.

And I think that's it! Thank you for those who will read, for those who will try to follow these little milestones that I have achieved. Life is not always perfect, that is very true, but it can definitely get better. And I certainly have other lessons to add to the list, but for now, that's enough.

#some sentence sunday #life lessons #that helped a lot ❤️‍🩹

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bookinit02 · 5 months

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HI HELLO GOOD EVENING

I'm dead tired bc I got barely any sleep last night + braindead because I've spent the past several hours binging through your Stranger Things Byler retelling and I'm a bit out of words, HOWEVER. It finally clicked in my head that you have a tumblr and I, also having a tumblr, can use said tumblr to throw my appreciation upon you in a more direct manner.

On that note... the retelling is AMAZING and I love it so very very much!!! (I've also been leaving a whole stream of comments on the fic itself, so a lot of my feelings have already been described in detail there XD). It makes me feel so very many emotions, both good AND bad, and for a fic to trigger THAT MUCH of an emotional reaction in me is really an achievement. It's so beautifully sad and tender and joyous and realistic, and all the more painful for it—and all the more beautiful IN that pain. I haven't actually been a big active part of the Stranger Things Fandom (TM) for several years, but I still often return to Byler fics, sort of like a comfort blanket in story form—and yours are some of the BEST (I think it was also you that wrote one of my favorite ever painting scene fix-its; I'll have to go back and re-read that as well!!)

I started reading season 4 last night (which is in part to blame for my lack of sleep) and finished up the rest of it today. I'm so extremely excited for season 5 and to see what you've done with it—I already started reading the script for episode one and it looks amazing (god, I bet that Mike having a panic attack/Vecna episode hurts WAY more in prose)!!! I can't decide between reading all the script first, then reading the fic; or reading the script episodes and then reading the according fic chapters; or just barreling on ahead in the fic and coming back to the script if it strikes my fancy later (which is, if I'm being honest, the most likely outcome). All will have to wait til tomorrow, however, as I have dinner and a warm bed to get to. All the love to you and your fic!!

(Love how I said "I'm so braindead I've run out of words" and then proceeded to give evidence to the EXACT OPPOSITE claim. I'm really a bit like Mike lmao, even if I'm struggling to actually describe my specific emotions or feelings about something, I can run my mouth about any old thing for ages XD)

hi hello good morning!!! i have been watching ur comments come in with so much joy and happiness—hopefully i get time to respond to all of them within the next few days! i hope that you have gotten so much rest and that you are all refreshed for the next day🫂💗

thank you so much for all your kind words, in this ask and otherwise! the rewrite is really a labor of love that has been sustaining me for over a year now, and it is always so impressive and awe-worthy to me when new people discover it and start from the very beginning. that is SO much to read!! several novels worth!

as for the script, read it in whatever order you would like! my recommended order was originally to read the script first, then the fic chapters—but i know that some people want to experience the plot twists and developments as they happen, so really any way you decide to read it is completely fine! the byler scenes are all the same (with a bit extra in the fic), it’s really just the other characters and plot lines that are expanded.

thank you for “running your mouth,” as you’ve called it—but i prefer to think that we’re just chatting🥳 i really love interacting with people through both comments and asks, so feel free to do both (and to talk as long as you’d like)! i am super grateful and honored that you’ve chosen to read my story, and i hope that you enjoy what i have so far of season 5!!💗🫂

#asks #this is so nice🥹#thank youuuuuuuuu #rewrite

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ben-talks-art · 2 years

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Why I like Xanatos

"Oh, reason not the need, father... I wanted it, so I took it."

This might sound weird but of all the reasons to like Xanatos, the one that intrigues me the most is that he just might be one of the happiest characters I've ever seen.

Something that I like to think about whenever I look at a character is how much their actions are helping them achieve joy in life and how they respond to that.

For instance, John's choices bring him a lot of misery but he always try to blame others around him for it and try to get them to change instead of working on himself, Ramses and Catra on the other hand just live in denial trying to pretend they're not miserable so they don't have to change who they are, while people like Spider-Man and Percy Jackson just try to laugh at it and keep going despite the misery.

Xanatos though... Xanatos is never miserable. He's a man who already discovered the thing in life that brings him joy, that being, using his wealth and wisdom to mess around with things and people around him. He's basically a grown kid with the intellect and maturity of an adult and the whole world is his toy house.

While some characters usually grab me by their relationship with tragedies, Xanatos grabs me by his ability to be immune to tragedy.

Doesn't matter if he is at the top of the world or at the bottom of a prison cell, Xanatos always knows how to make a situation turn out in his favor.

The guy's also very dangerous. If something seems fun to him, he'll do it, no matter who may suffer for it.

He kinda feels less like a villain and more just a guy whose goals just so happen to clash with that of the heroes, so much so that whenever his goals match that of the heroes he is always more than happy to cooperate with them as if they were all good life-long friends (he even asked his mortal enemy to be his best man at his wedding).

This is honestly a good example of the difference between a villain and an antagonist. He isn't a sadist that enjoys hurting others, he doesn't want to rob a bank so he can get rich, take over the world and enslave humanity, or take revenge on someone who wronged him... He just wants to feel joy, and he's just so freaking good at it, he's so good at knowing how to have fun with any situation he's in.

Someone like Aaravos always looks like he's having fun too, but that's mostly because he's constantly watching things go as he planned it. I think Xanatos could literally be picking up trash on the beach and he would still find a way to enjoy it somehow.

And what I find it really interesting is that once he decides to build a stable life with his wife and son he completely stops doing anything villain-ish, basically saying that having a family is the most fun he could be having right now.

Xanatos isn't just a character that I love to like, he's also a character that I really respect! I WISH I could know how to enjoy life like he does, never caring too much about the things I lose and always looking at what I still have and what I can still achieve!

Favorite character list>>

#gargoyles #david xanatos #xanatos

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sapphosewrites · 24 days

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It's time again for my one true love... an ask game. Thank you for the tag @o0anapher0o! This is one I have done before and I am sure as hell not going to let that stop me from talking about myself.

How many works do you have on AO3?

143! The next big milestone will be 150 if I ever post again lol

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

436,802 holy cow that is a lot of words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

It's DS9 all day over here right now! I have also written for Good Omens, Queen's Thief, Tales of Symphonia, and Next Gen and Lower Decks.

4. Top 5 Fics By Kudos

I'm always interested in if the answer to this has changed, because sometimes it does in unexpected ways. Confess Nothing always tops the list, but this time it's only ahead by 2 with All's Fair in Love, War, and Show Business close behind. I'm really surprised to see Personnel Review in third place, because Garak doesn't even personally show up in that one and I always got the sense TNG was much less popular. Fourth place is Lost in Translation, which is not at all surprising. But fifth place does surprise me: It Isn't Perfect (But It's Ours)! Those Good Omens fics really snuck up there while I wasn't looking. (I think Season 2 release, even if I haven't posted anything new, did drive a spike in that fandom.)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to and I want to but there are 200 unread comments in my inbox right now and I simply have too much ADHD to deal with that, and then I don't respond to new ones because it's overwhelming and the problem is self-perpetuating. I've read them all in my email notifications, and they've made me smile and laugh and experience great joy! But I am overwhelmed about the idea of trying to reply.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Last time I answered this I hadn't ever written something with an angsty ending, but now with certainty I can say it's Like a pain, the truth is mine in the Terok Nor AU, which is all about Garak's developing addiction to the wire and exploration of self-harm to trigger it. Second place goes to I'd Like to Give Up Now and When All Kindness Has Gone. The interesting thing about all of these, though, is that they exist within the larger framework of what the reader already knows will happen next in canon, which is Garak will survive and make connections with others on the station and it isn't the end of the world that it feels like for him. So does that still count?

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Not coincidentally, I'd probably say it's my two most kudos'd DS9 fics, Confess Nothing and Lost in Translation.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

The closest I've ever come to hate is someone commenting that I had a major tonal shift in the middle of a piece of writing, and they were correct. I have found the fandom to be incredibly kind, supportive, and generous.

9. Do you write smut?

SO once upon a time the answer to this was no but now we are inching our way towards a yes. I made a sock puppet account where I could experiment with writing more explicitly (it's lovely to have so many user subscriptions but also feels like a lot of pressure) and what I've found is there's simply not much more explicit that I'll go, but I'm trying.

10. Craziest crossover

The entirety of Thief Space 9, and of those specifically probably Spaceships and Gods.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Again, lovely fandom, beautiful people! I also have a standing policy that my works are a sandbox anyone can play in, so I have had remixes and things inspired by my work, but that's done with full permission and people bringing their own creative twists.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, that's the last thing outstanding on my 'bucket list', so to speak! My dreams were to have my fic inspire art, other fic, podfic, and translation, and we've achieved all but the last.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes and I'm a very bad co-author because there's a fic that's sat unfinished for actual literal years now and I'm not doing my part to finish it.

14. All time favorite ship?

I think I have an all-time favorite ship dynamic, which is any ship where one character could with both deep love and complete sincerity say to the other "I hate you, you're the worst person I know" as a form of foreplay.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I fear we're living in a world where I never finish anything ever again, but in particular there's one fic I posted to aforementioned sock puppet account specifically because I thought it might get permanently abandoned and I didn't want people knowing it was me if that happened because I am a coward

16. What are your writing strengths?

You know, the answer to this has changed! It used to just be dialogue, but now I'd like to think it's also my willingness to experiment with form/format and use even little moments to poke at big questions.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Look, I'm never going to be a writer of lush descriptions. We've come a long way, but settings are actually the worst.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Hasn't changed- translate it if your POV character would understand it, leave it untranslated if they wouldn't. The point of how you write is to communicate information and convey emotion and whatever else to your audience, not to show off your conlang abilities.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

I think I've shared this before, but I wrote a self-insert ship fic with Shadow the Hedgehog for my older sibling for Sonic Adventure 2 Battle when I was far too young.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I can't answer this. This is a cruel question. Um, at this exact moment in time, possibly Comparative Literature?

Well, there's more information than anyone wanted or needed, but now you have it! You all should do it too so I look slightly less narcissistic. @hellostuffedtiger @ectogeo-rebubbles @ernmark but also you know, anyone who wants to! Whenever I have to tag I immediately forget every single person who exists on this website.

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anonymous-dee · 1 year

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Akutagawa Thoughts...

I definitely think that Akutagawa is a misunderstood character, unless he's not and I'm just rambling for no reason LOL. Regardless, he's my favorite character so I just wanna talk about him so please hear me out! (obvious spoilers ahead)

I don't think that Akutagawa is as evil as many people may portray him as. I definitely think that Akutagawa has the potential to be a good person but he simply doesn't know how to.

HEAR ME OUT THOUGH! So obviously we know that Akutagawa's childhood was not pleasant: he grew up in the slums, where it was a dog-eat-dog world. If he wasn't constantly guarded and ready to attack at any given moment, he would lose those closest to him. He grew up in an environment where, if he didn't learn to kill others, both he and his sister would not survive. This was all that he knew, up until Dazai took him in and inducted him and Gin into the Port Mafia.

From there, what he already grew up with was enforced tenfold. Though he wasn't living in squalor anymore, he was raised in a world where killing was the only way for him to survive. Not to mention all of the trauma and the inferiority complex Dazai gave him.

While I don't think that Akutagawa should necessarily be excused for hurting Kyouka, but I also think this is an excellent example of how the cycle of abuse works. Abuse and survival are all that he has ever known, and I think that in a sense he was trying to teach Kyouka that this was how life operated in the Port Mafia. Trying to see the light, being a good person, and acting on one's feelings could very easily lead them to an early death. Think of Odasaku. The Port Mafia is not the place or profession for one to be weak or soft, and Akutagawa was probably trying to rid Kyouka of what he perceived as "weakness," unaware of what the actual truth was. (The truth being that there is good and light and that Kyouka should not be shamed for wanting to be a good person).

I think that Akutagawa has the potential to be good and we can see this very clearly through Wan, as well as Beast. Akutagawa has been upholding his 6 month promise to Atsushi not to kill, and although this may be for his own desire to fight Atsushi rather than an innate desire to be a better person, we at least know he is capable of not killing.

In Beast, the entire premise is that Akutagawa joins the ADA (I've only read the first two volumes to bear with me here); But I don't think a person who is inherently bad would care that much about their friends and family (Gin). Also, the fact that he got mad at Tanizaki for treating Naomi roughly during the entrance exam also shows that Akutagawa has human empathy (even if Naomi liked the rough treatment but we don't need to talk about that).

Another thing to mention here is that Akutagawa ONLY knows how to be in fight or flight mode and he GENUINELY only knows how to respond in extremes. When he's supposed to question people, he threatens them. And when he wants something, he can only think of using violence or force to achieve his goal. He is a direct product of his upbringing in the slums. (and in the main storyline, the Port Mafia as well).

And when we get later into the manga (main canon) we can also talk about how in Chapter 88 we can see how much Akutagawa has changed and the amount of influence Atsushi has had on him. Akutagawa sacrificed his life for Atsushi, knowing that he himself didn't have much time left. The CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT he had to undergo to get to this point *sobs incoherently*

ANYWAYS That's it for my little ramble thank you for your time

#bsd #akutagawa #bungou stray dogs #bsd akutagawa #bsd hcs

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maehemthemisfit · 10 months

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I really relate to the ask thing, I never really know how to answer an ask/ if I've answered it well enough (even just normal asks) I really don't know if what I said was good enough or sufficient to the person. (what if they don't like what I say? Or what if it's not an answer they wanted.)

I remember a while back I opened an event and got over 30 asks for it in a matter of days. I somehow managed to do 21 asks but after that I was burned out and deleting the asks felt wrong when I was doing it (some of them were really polite or told me how they really liked my blog) but I was burnt out and mental health came first.

It’s just hard to know what to answer, and similarity to you, it gets overwhelming for me too and subsequently a seemingly large task to complete- I still have my into: the woods event asks to complete…

THANK YOU, IM GLAD IM NOT ALONE !!

I got an ask the other day from an anon saying they love when their asks are answered, shout out to all the bloggers who answer asks and I didn't know how to feel because there's so much more to sending/receiving asks that people don't comprehend just how much goes into it and how difficult it can be

explanation utc

Yes I know how good the feeling is when a creator answers your ask/request and I've been on the receiving end of having many of my asks ignored/unanswered or sometimes i find that my ask was answers (ages afterwards) to the point where i forgot I even sent it, but now as a person who gets them frequently, I now understand the struggle.

I love interactions, especially ones where I don't have to think too much about, just simple hi's and hello's and how was your day type of asks

And then there are those asks that I feel like I have to pour my heart into just to answer it, even if I'm not particularly interested or my brain's just not latching onto the idea. We all have different tastes and I get that. And I feel bad when Im active and receive an ask and I don't immediately respond to it. Sometimes I just wanna chill or I simply don't know how to answer it yet. Then there's asks that are copies of previous ones, like they seen I haven't answered it and sent another one again, just urging me even more to complete something like they've given me deadline... i get that tumblr can mess up the sending process but it really feels like they're slapping something in my face showing that I missed it...

And then there are those asks that are too forward or so excited about you answering I just completely deflate at. I just feel even more pressured.

Even when they put (you can ignore this) I still feel sad about it, like I'm letting them down because of my inability to write a response. And then there's the ones who just make requests and completely disregard my rules in my pinned posts and ask for characters I don't even write for or things I don't write. My people pleaser self is fighting to make everyone happy though.

There's also the other ones that makes me uncomfortable to answer or things that I don't want posted on my blog... I used to get a lot of vent asks or unsettling asks that I didn't exactly agree with and when I tried to respond I didn't like how it turned out or how the message was conveyed, I always try to be mindful about what I post considering the people I know who follow me. I still hope the best for whoever's on the other side of the screen

And then there's the repetitive asks that becomes too much where you can't keep up with (and my fear of deleting them just leads to my downfall). The amount of asks I have in my inbox now and before I started deleting them?? You'd be surprised.

I'm glad people like interacting with my blog but I feel like there's a line of boundaries and expectations people seem to fail to realize. I had to learn the hard way that I couldn't please everyone.

From the anxiety and stress, to managing your life and mental health as well? It's a lot to handle. You never know what op is going through, but I feel people expect the best and more from them no matter what. Even when they're asking for free content.

I had to abandon events before because my health just got in the way or I just became overwhelmed with life and my online presence. It starts to feel more like a task than a passion and then you see all these people asking for things from you but then you get little interactions from the content you put out so now you're wondering if what you're doing is a waste. It's really upsetting. I've made so many friends who's deactivated or has long been inactive because of it and I also had my moments where I thought of getting rid of my blog.

Even when responding to mutuals and their asks, it's a challenge. I just hope they bare with me and my pacing, we're trying our best!!

Shout out to the bloggers who try their hardest!!! That every word you type and convey is worth something, even if it lays unsaid. That it's okay to take a break and prioritize your health first, even if you feel like you're letting other people down!

You're not obligated to do anything you can't. If you're not passionate, or if you're uninterested, stressed, or overwhelmed about something you receive, it's okay to let it go. And if you're under stress from external factors that comes with managing your own personal life and wellbeing, just know it's okay to hit delete and it all becomes to much. It's also alright to delete asks you simply don't want to do. It is your blog and your life and in the end, your decision on how you want to go about answering something.

No matter how simple or complex the ask is. It's okay. We're all doing our best.

As for askers, please respect bloggers and their boundaries and don't get upset if your ask goes unanswered. Just like you we have our own lives and variables that effect us. We can't make everything perfect to your liking or be the perfect creator for everyone. We all have beautiful ideas, likes, dislikes, and interests, so please don't attack anyone for their struggles or how they manage their inbox.

Spread the love and support your bloggers!!! We are all trying our best so please bare with us. I hope we can all understand our limits and come to terms with what we can and cannot achieve

#this entire post is all over the place #i spent so long just writing this #THE STRUGGLE #tldr; respect your bloggers and understand they can't answer every ask no matter how simple or complex it seems. and OPs don't stress #yourself out on asks you're unable to answer.#moots 💖#answered 💌#[🍩] mae . • . ° inbox ♡⁠˖#letters from: 1eaf #writers block #writers #writing #inbox #fanfic writers #fanfiction

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