#it really is rewarding like nothing else!! considering that self motivation can only take you so far
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So I know we all joke about Porchay living his best Wattpad life, myself included, but I think we all kind of ignore how Kim just never dissuaded him from that notion and how we find that genre dissonance between Porsche & Kim’s view (and often our audience view) of Chay and how he actually acts, and we’re all sleeping on the mini character arc he’s gotten over the course of the series.
Porsche and Kim don’t want Chay to get caught up in the mafia world, and they both seem to view him in the same lense: he’s innoncent, sweet, incorruptible.
But Chay has fucking balls man, and he’s a lot more resilient than people give him credit for. He also ignores red flags like he’s color blind. We don’t get to see much of him, but the glimpses we do get show there is so much more beneath the surface.
First:
Man grew up with Porsche & a dead beat Uncle, you telling me he didn’t see some shit growing up? No matter how well Porsche protected him, Chay is the one dressing his wounds when he comes back from fighting, Chay still hears the loan sharks coming for his Uncle, he’s growing up watching his older brother as really the only source of income for his household. And he can’t do anything about it. Watching episode 1, when Chay asks Porsche to let him get a job and help out, it feels like they’ve had this conversation before, it feels resigned, it feels like a final quiet plea of “we’ve talked about this before, but please, please, please just consider it.” But Porsche says no, I’m going to take care of it and I can’t help but think of the impact that has, of watching the person he loves most get beat down again and again and not being able to do anything about it. I feel like Chay probably grew up being the peacekeeper, the one trying to keep the waters calm. Its clear he knows he’s his brother’s world, that his brother has done so much to keep him sheltered and happy, and I can think of Porsche teaching Chay manners, teaching him ideals of being kind to others and Chay just internalizing it and deciding “ah yes, so this is my role in the family, this is how I can help my brother.” Chay probably felt a lot of pressure, no matter how unintentionally and how unconditionally Porsche loves him, to be a reason why his brother is doing all of this, he’s probably hyper aware of how he’s Porsche’s motivation, that everything his brother does is for him. That does things to your self-worth, to how you view yourself. I get the feeling hasn’t had any agency over his own life before, he’s always been the princess locked in the tower, aware of the war but not allowed to participate. His happily ever has been chosen and now he just has to see it through.
Then literally overnight, he wakes up and his Uncle has vanished, and his brother has left with just a fairly suspicious note about pursuing his dream that’ll completely be able to fully support Chay. His entire way of living has transformed, and now he’s completely alone. He went from princess locked in a tower as a war rages on to a Queen of a decimated kingdom. He can not grieve, he can only have faith and move forward.
This is also how I realized Chay has practically been designed to ignore all red flags and interpret them as something else.
Enter Kim, stage right. Enter Chay’s wattpad fantasy come to life, also stage right.
When Chay meets Kim, he is someone who has literally nothing to lose throwing himself out there. My boy literally just recites an encyclopedia knowledge of “Wik, sir, you are my hyper fixation” all in the hopes of getting that T-shirt. And it works! His idol signs his T-shirt, he gets to talk to his idol, he has been rewarded for putting himself out there!
So go big or go home right? He might as well try asking for a tutor when asked if there’s anything he wants. And he’s shot down. No big deal, he moves on and has merch thats going to be the envy of the Wik fandom.
But then his idol calls him, and says he’ll tutor him. Wik remembered him, remembered his request, and then proceeded to hunt down a way to get Chay’s phone number and call him personally in order to tell him he’s decided to he’s going to help him get into the his dream department that he himself is apart of.
Its easy to view Chay from Kim’s perspective, as an excitable fanboy with a crush, but we forget how Kim looks from Chay’s perspective. So lets look on how everything seems from Chay’s perspective.
Chay put himself out there, made a decision solely for himself and what he wants and now his idol wants to tutor him. He’s been actively rewarded twice now, by the same person, for asserting what he wants and trying to get it. He’s gotten his cake and is eating it too. He has a celebrity crush like most people get, only his celebrity crush is now making the effort to genuinely get to know him. 
Wik tells Chay his name is Kim, he’s being open and vulnerable to Chay, and he’s trusting him with his identity. Kim asks about his brother, even though Chay didn’t tell him, red flag to any normal person citing he saw Chay’s screensaver and made an assumption. Kim is taking an interest in his life, he notices little details about him, and is asking to here more about the coolest person in the world, his brother and even noticed how much Chay loves Porsche that he wants Chay to write a song about it! He even trusts Chay enough to ask for his phone when Kim’s phone has died, even though that’ll mean there’s important numbers in Chay’s call history, and he trusts that Chay won’t take advantage of them!
And maybe Chay starts to fall a bit in love with Kim. Not Wik, but Kim, who’s a little bit insecure, a little bit awkward, but is making all this effort for Chay.
For Chay, it isn’t anything manipulative or suspicious, he’s becoming friends Kim, they’re sharing information about themselves, they’re bonding now, and he’s been shown that if he pushes, Kim will stay. Chay is all alone now, he has to take care of himself, but if he makes an effort and keeps putting himself out there, if he makes his wants known, Kim comes to him. Kim trusts him, and as long as Chay takes the initiative, he also makes the effort to bond with Chay.
Then Porsche comes back! Chay isn’t alone anymore, and they’re happy and safe and Porsche isn’t getting beat up! And then Porsche once again immediately leaves without a word and few days later you get the first call you’ve gotten from him since he left the first time and now he’s back at work and doesn’t know when he’ll be back again. He’s all alone, and his brother has seem to get a new life that once again Chay’s not allowed to be apart of.
But then Kim shows up at his house! And Chay immediately throws his brother under the bus in a desperate bid to keep Kim’s good opinion of him, once again, gotta admire the sheer balls and audacity of that move. Then Kim gifts him one of his guitars! Porsche do you understand how easily your brother could be taken advantage of do you? Sure he almost gets the heart attack of Kim discovering his shrine, but what teenager doesn’t have posters on the wall of his favorite singer? Maybe it’s weird that he wants Chay to go get the food for them both, but he could have an important phone call to make, he could be nervous going out in public where people could recognize him! Then when he gets back Kim asks him about his love life! Kim ruffles his hair! Kim tells him to write a love song!
Kim is checking off all the boxes of my crush likes me back.
So when Kim ghosts him a little, Chay makes the obvious conclusion. Show up at his house and sing him the love song he wrote! He’s been shown time, and time again that if he reaches out to Kim, Kim will eventually grab his hand. Kim has shown to be awkward and a little of unsure of himself around Chay, but relaxes when Chay takes the initiative. So Chay does what’s always worked. With literally no fear or anxiety whatsoever.
And with episode 13, we see how close they were getting. We see how they went out to places together, romantically or platonically, and they took pictures together! They were friends, they were close, they had a level of trust and bonding and vulnerability for Chay to take photos with Kim and leave them around his house for Kim to find!
So Chay once again has nothing left to lose, and shoots his final shot and confesses to Kim. And Kim kisses him! They hug! Kim may or may not have come home with him that night but at some point in they’re relationship post confession, they fall asleep cuddling on the couch.
And Chay and Porsche are very similar. They fall in love quickly, they become very devoted and loyal to that love, and they are honest about it. Chay and Porsche are both the first ones to say I love you, but while Porsche doesn’t ask for a reply, Chay does. Because Kim has shown time and time again that Chay needs to take the initiative. So he asks Kim: I love you, do you love me?
But he stops at that and lets Kim take his time. Because that’s the song and dance their courtship has been taking, Chay flirts, Chay pushes forward and then Kim comes to meet him the rest of the way.
Chay is living in a Wattpad fantasy: he meets his idol crush, his idol crush becomes fascinated with him, he sees the real human behind his idol crush’s persona and falls in love with the awkward, sweet person underneath, he confesses his love and the feeling is mutual! And all of this seems to be fate, like this perfect love story and the happy ending he actually wants. He’s practically gotten into his dream department with the boy of his dreams who loves him back.
He’s confirming it is all real, and letting Kim know that it’s all real on his end.
And then he gets fucking kidnapped. And then he gets indisputable proof that his brother has been lying to him this entire time, and he was kidnapped because of that secret life his brother was lying about it.
The ultimatum may seem harsh, but it makes sense when you see it from Chay’s perspective. He probably feels essentially abandoned by his brother for the past two months, and he’s understandably pissed about everything thats happened in the last 48 hours or so. His brother can be part of his life and they can go back to the way things were, but Chay can’t be a part of his life if his brother is in the mafia, and its true. Porsche has spent all this time telling Chay he wants him to get into a good school and get a good job and be surrounded by good people with a good social life. You can’t have that in the mafia, and Chay knows that. So from Chay’s perspective, his brother has basically just been a complete hypocrite to everything his brother taught him.
And while Porsche has been shown the type of person to be willing to throw away his morals and beliefs when it comes to the people he loves, Chay isn’t. His entire life has been surrounded on those ideals of being a good, kind person who lives a good life. And he’s understandably terrified of the thought of losing his brother and truly being on his own. He’s basically lost his only emotional support system for two months, and if his brother dies, he loses him for good.
So Chay says him or me, because in his mind either way he could lose his brother, but this is Chay making his own decision, this is Chay fighting back and reminding Porsche that see you hurt makes me hurt too. This ultimatum reminds Porsche that his actions have conquenses on Chay too, and it shows how Chay has grown up in his absence. Chay in episode one was willing to just bow his head and listen to what his brother, but Chay in episode 10 is willing to speak out, he’s no longer willing to be simply passive in his brother’s plans for him.
In the end, he and Porsche communicate, and we get a taste of how Chay is, like Porsche, willing to throw away his ideals because he loves someone. But now he’s been dragged into a completely unfamiliar world, he’s truly been into a different kingdom where he doesn’t have any of the power or agency he’s gotten used to having in Porsche’s absence.
And then its revealed the love of his life is part of the mafia, and he’s just gotta sit there and pretend like nothings wrong.
Side note: while it’s absolutely hilarious that absolutely nobody learned about the KimChay romance, it also makes a lot of sense. Rule number one of Wattpad romance: You NEVER tell your overprotective brother your in love or dating or got dumped. You NEVER let your big brother know about your love life. Rule number two of Wattpad romance: When dating a celebrity, you NEVER leave a hint that any fans could pick up on. You ALWAYS need to keep the relationship a secret for as long as humanly possible. Chay thinks he knows what genre he’s in, and he’s being smart about it.
So Chay goes to confront him. Like doesn’t even hesitate, just shows up like bitch you better explain yourself. Because that’s what he does, only this time he does it out of anger, not out of love.
And Kim tells him that his entire reality was a lie. When Chay breaks down crying, it’s not just because Kim dumped him, though that had to hurt, its because that means their entire friendship, all the kindness and effort Kim showed him, all the time they spent together, all the moments Chay thought were sweet, thought they were bonding and falling mutually in love was a complete and utter lie. He’s just been made a fool, and his entire life has been completely transformed and he has no control over any of it.
So he spirals and self destructs. Him ditching the interview may seem dumb and like he’s throwing everything Porsche worked for away, but think about it. Everything about this interview is going to reminder of Kim and how he betrayed Chay’s love and trust. This interview is a reminder of how his brother threw away his own life for Chay to have a future their parents would be proud of, despite his protests. This interview is an embodiment of Chay’s own lack of control in his own life, it has become a symbol of his pain.
Everything in Chay’s life has fallen apart and now he has to pick up the pieces and find his place in the new world he’s in.
So he tries to take back that lost control and ditches the interview. He does the stereotypical new haircut new me era. He goes out drinking with friends. Chay can’t talk to Porsche about any of this, he can’t be honest with friends about any of this. He doesn’t have any real support system in his life right now, and he’s falling apart. For the past two months he’s been in charge of his life for the first time, only for it to be yanked away and everything he knows to disappear. He wants to get that control back, but he has no clue how, and he has no one to help him. So he makes some dumbass decisions, but its not just because of Kim, it’s because desperately grappling for a sense of agency in a world that keeps stripping him of it.
And then Kim comes back into his life, and in Chay’s perspective, tries to take away his agency again and toy with his emotions. “You said you don’t care about me, but here you are caring about me,” and it makes him angry. So in episode 13, he tries to cut Kim off, he ignores his calls and blocks his number to assert his control of their relationship.
And then his agency and control is once again taken when Porsche wakes him up and (presumably) drops him off at Yok’s and (probably) doesn’t tell about anything that happens.
His Wattpad dream life romance has fallen apart, he’s had to leave his old life completely behind, and now he’s left in the ashes trying to figure put who he is and where he stands in this situation, trying to be his own person without anyone there to help him.
Conclusion: I think Chay is someone who strives to be kind and polite, and like Porsche wants to see the best in people, but he’s also incredibly brave and put into the position where he’s really making his own decisions for the first time in his life. He’s frustrated, he’s unsure, he’s making mistakes and fumbling around, but he’s a young adult finally trying to take control of his life after everything has been ripped out underneath him, and I think that side of him could be explored to.
I think Chay is the type of person who’s sweet and respectful, but when push comes to shove, he’s shown to be a no nonsense kind of person who isn’t afraid to backdown. He’ll listen, he’ll comprise, but Chay has a lot more of a spine and a no fear attitude than people give him credit for, but right now he’s desperately trying to assert his agency in a narrative that keeps taking it from him, and its causing him to self destruct.
I’m genuinely excited to see where his arc from passive princess in tower to living a self-insert life to currently self destructive extensional crisis ends up. We’ve only gotten a few scenes with him, but they’ve shown so much of a character arc that I feel people are sleeping on.
#kinnporsche the series#kinnporsche#kimchay#vegaspete#sorry I just want people to stop sleeping on Chay#kinnporsche meta#kinnporsche episode 13#kinnporsche episode 12#they we’re supposed to be the sweet ones admist the mafia drama#they’re all unhinged disasters#i’m obsessed#porsche my beloved#kinnporsche analysis#kimchay analysis#I’ve got a lot of feelings and thoughts about Chay okay#he’s got so much going on and such an interesting characterization#or maybe im just overthinking#but still
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hey, any tips for staying in love with a series youre making? youve been working on quantum merit for 2 years now i think? any time i get an idea i just have it in the back of my mind that in a couple weeks im going to lose interest, let alone actually go through and start working on it. finishing soemthing is a distant dream. your art is amazing and a huge inspiration for me (is creativity infectious? bc thats how i feel whenever i read qm) so i was hoping maybe you had some insight. thanks <3
over two and a half years at this point actually! crazy! lacking the ability to follow through is a problem i've long had in life. i started drawing QM to try and curtail this. the trick isn't actually to stay in love with a series you're making, the trick is to learn to make things when you don't necessarily love it.
for me, the entire point of doing something operating on this level of self indulgence and experimental technique was to enable myself to churn stuff out even when i think everything i am doing is absolute shit, which is extremely extremely frequently. for long-haul projects you have to be willing and able to work on them even when you think all of your ideas are bad and all of your work is bad and not only is this the worst thing you have ever made, it is the worst thing anyone has ever made. the way i try and get through working on stuff when this is how i feel is that i remind myself i am not special in any way shape or form. everyone else in human history has had to make a lot of bad stuff before they get the privilege of making good stuff. this is allowed to be mine.
another thing that really helps is making sure that the process can be enjoyable even without good results. sometimes even when i hate everything i'm doing in terms of Substance, the act of just getting to draw something feels satisfying enough that i can make myself do it. this goes for all art, i think, not just long projects. if the Process is something you force yourself to sit through waiting for the end reward of a finished product, you're probably never going to be a functional artist. if you don't love Making art and you only love Finishing art you'll quickly find you don't make or finish much of anything.
additionally, i think an important part with long hauls like this is to never, ever look at the finish line. if i keep drawing the amount of stuff i have planned at the rate i have been drawing it, i will be at this for several more years minimum. thats an entirely overwhelming and terrifying thing to think about, and dwelling on it makes me freeze up and want to quit while i'm ahead. so i try not to ever think about actually finishing it. i have no idea if ill finish it i dont even have the slightest fucking clue what my life would even look like in the five years this could take to finish because it already looks nothing like it looked like three years ago. so instead focus on progress. if you think about finishing something you'll never do anything, if you think about just making a little bit of progress you can look back and suddenly you have over 100 full color pages. one foot in front of the other
i would also feel completely insincere if i did not mention how much all of the kind words people have had for my comic have helped me in finding the motivation to continue! seriously, it means so much to me that people like it. external motivation is not the be-all end-all of anything, but i suggest finding at least one friend who is willing to be your hype man and make them talk you out of being insane when you hate everything youre working on. when i reach the point where i literally like can't even tell what the pages im working on look like anymore i send them to my friends and make them all tell me that these are very normal looking drawings.
best of luck with your future endeavors anon i hope any of this is helpful! its an honor to be considered inspiring in any way
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This sequence (Only 4 images for the sake of shortness) is the ending sequence of Metal Gear Solid V, one that I consider to be one of the best endings ever made in a videogame, and the perfect ending for your story, the player’s story, after seeing the end of Big Boss’ and The Patriot’s story in Metal Gear Solid 4, a perfect message and display of appreciation for your service, for all you’ve done, and all you’ve grown alongside these characters, an amazing contrast to the last time the gmae acknoleged your role in the story, in Metal Gear Solid 2, back then the game mocked you, insulted you and made fun of you for not understanding what it tried to say to you, for trying to be what it warned you not to become, and many years later, it rewards your perseverance with “The Truth”, which is also this mission’s in-game name, after all these years, after everything they put you through, you deserve nothing else but The Truth, spelled out for you, alongside a congratulatory note from no other than The Man Who Sold The World, Big Boss himself, but at the same time, warning you of what lies ahead in your path should you take it.
This game’s development was full of controversies and other problems, and while that deprived the player from experiencing what could’ve been another high point in the franchise, Mission 51 “Lord of the Flies”, in a way it also enhanced the game’s message about memes (in the actual, real definition of the word), passing on your legacy and what becoming a legend really means, I guess you could say this is the ultimate “Is not a bug, is a feature”, the attempted erasure of Kojima’s name from the game serves as a perfect real life parallel to the erasure of The Boss’ name from history in the game.
Prior to my experience playing MGS V, I never thougth that a character other than a Customizable Player Character akin those in Fallout, The Elder Scrolls and many other RPG games could become a “Literally Me” character, as they are already set in stone with clear motivations, ideals and morals of their own, and while Venom Snake is quite the ambiguous character as it is supposed to serve as a Self-insert of the player just as Raiden was meant to be in his original appeareance, he is a set character that shares all the qualities of one; while the reasons why I can relate to and see this character as “A Part Of Myself” rely entirely on subjective and personal matters, I wouldn’t be surprised that many people that doesn’t shares that connection with his background and context still experiences the same feeling; I’ve always seen Naked Snake as a role model, someone I looked up to be like one day, perhaps even a “Father Figure” and Liquid Snake as a “Brother” of sorts that shares the same beliefs but with a different understanding of them, but it was only after slowly crawling thru a mud-covered marsh as DD barks at enemies to distract them, standing next to the saluting wandering soldiers whose only wish was to return back to the place they once called home, spotting for Quiet so she can clear an outpost to rescue a POW and hearing those dreadful words “We live and die by your order, Boss” during Shining Lights, Even In Death that I could relate to Venom Snake after understanding that we’ve been thru the same, despite the actual circumstances being different due to one being real life and another one being a work of fiction (despite being inspired by very real things that did happen), I don’t know if that was the intent with the character, but for all purposes, I can always say that I am Venom, and Venom is Me.
“In Memory Of A Patriot Who Saved The World”
#wall of text#metal gear solid#mgs#mgsv#mgs5#metal gear soild 5#venom snake#big boss#naked snake#liquid snake#quiet
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🎦 - Does the Disc Finale being staged make the Dream SMP's story more or less engaging?
Honestly, I think it worsens the story of every character involved in it, but it most badly affects c!Dreams.
c!Punz betraying c!Dream added an interesting bit of depth to his character. He's normally amoral when it comes to receiving money, but the idea he'd take a lesser payment to help someone he has a soft spot for, that there’s crimes so heinous even he wouldn’t do them for any amount of money. Now, he gained nothing, character wise, from the stream. We just got more of the same, as opposed to some hidden depths.
Destroying the one victory c!Tommy had over his abuser and making it playing completely into his hand makes the story feel a whole lot more hopeless and cynical. The only reason c!Tommy has any sort of freedom is because his abuser allowed him to. The only peace he can get is imaginary. It also makes it much harder to believe c!Tommy will ever be free of c!Dream. If c!Dream would willingly put himself through absolute hell and such extremes as part of his plans, and c!Tommy seems to be important in them, how can we believe he'll ever give up on controlling him?
It also leaves the message of the Final Disc Confrontation hollow. The message was that bonds and attachment are strengths, not weaknesses. c!Clingyduo's kindness and friendship saved their lives. c!Dream's attempts at cutting off his weaknesses only removed the only strength he really had. Now, we know c!Clingy only lived because c!Dream wanted them to. c!Dreams self destructive and miserable ideology where loving anything is wrong is shown as in the right.
But that’s all ignorable. Losing out on potential character depth isn’t the worst thing, and the others are more subtextual than anything. What isn’t is that this makes c!Dream out to be a complete idiot. It doesn’t raise questions on his motives, it makes me wonder how he even got that far if he ever took such insanely high risk and low reward options that make no sense.
For one, c!Punz wasn’t even the one to suggest the prison, if I remember correctly. He was put in the prison at the suggestion of c!Sam, who we know wasn’t involved in the plan at all. The only reason c!Dream is alive is because of that. He gave a prison that he himself rightly owned over to someone who both wasn’t in on the plan and was very protective of c!Tommy. There was nothing stopping him from making c!Punz the warden! If you hinge your entire plan by giving up your freedom to someone you have no control over you're insanely naïve at best. c!Dream could have easily been killed. He's honestly lucky he didn’t, considering what he went through, and if the only reason his plan didn’t end in his own humiliating death is luck, it’s a bad plan.
And, like, why did he need to go to jail? Why did he need to give up his power, his freedom, his ability to do anything else to advance his agenda? That feels like the most insanely extreme option and it has a comical amount of risk to it. Why couldn’t he have gone into hiding or something? The server is massive, and he easily could have laid low until the heat on him died down, without putting himself in danger and limiting his influence.
Was it to turn the server against him? Then why did he specifically avoid mentioning Exile? Did he want the server to be united over something? Because if so, having them go up against a threat for ten minutes and then having them believe it was completely neutralised is the dumbest, most ineffective method of doing so. Was he trying to make himself seem less of a threat? Laying low could do that at way less of a risk. Trying to get the server to pity him for the prison conditions? Then trying to kill innocent children in front of them seems massively counterproductive. Just fucking with c!Tommy more? Then why would he make him think he won?
And that raises the question of why he did anything in Season 2, since he commissioned the prison at the start of it. Why blow up L'Manburg? To get people to hate him more? Seems like a vastly disproportionate amount of effort considering what he already had plans. To get it out of the way? Why would that matter after he was in prison? And it reduces his complexity in Exile. There would be zero reason for him to do any of that except pointless cruelty and evil, as opposed to definitely being a good amount of pointless cruelty but also being to condition c!Tommy into obedience so he could use him as a tool in his plans. What point would there be into deliberately inducing trauma bonding if his plan wasn’t to exploit that?
A good plotter is risky, but there’s a difference between risk and suicidal overconfidence, and the Staged Finale crosses that line so far I can only believe c!Dream managed to do as much as he could was sheer luck, since he seems to have no ability to actually plan anything.
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Happy birthday to The Marginalian
This is an extract from Maria Popova’s article celebrating the 16th birthday of The Marginalian (formerly Brain Pickings). Please, take the chance to visit her website, one of the wonders of the world. Subscribe to her newsletter and read her articles will surely enrich your life and, if you can, please consider supporting her in order to have this project kept alive.
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Several years in, I thought it would be a good exercise to reflect on what I was learning about life in the course of composing The Marginalian, which was always a form of composing myself. Starting at year seven, I began a sort of public diary of learnings — never revising those of the previous years, only adding some newly gleaned understanding with each completed orbit, the way our present selves are always a Russian nesting doll containing and growing out of the irrevisible selves we have been.
And now, at year sixteen, here they all are, dating back to the beginning.
1. Allow yourself the uncomfortable luxury of changing your mind. Cultivate that capacity for “negative capability.” We live in a culture where one of the greatest social disgraces is not having an opinion, so we often form our “opinions” based on superficial impressions or the borrowed ideas of others, without investing the time and thought that cultivating true conviction necessitates. We then go around asserting these donned opinions and clinging to them as anchors to our own reality. It’s enormously disorienting to simply say, “I don’t know.” But it’s infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right — even if that means changing your mind about a topic, an ideology, or, above all, yourself.
2. Do nothing for prestige or status or money or approval alone. As Paul Graham observed, “prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. It causes you to work not on what you like, but what you’d like to like.” Those extrinsic motivators are fine and can feel life-affirming in the moment, but they ultimately don’t make it thrilling to get up in the morning and gratifying to go to sleep at night — and, in fact, they can often distract and detract from the things that do offer those deeper rewards.
3. Be generous. Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator. Always remember there is a human being on the other end of every exchange and behind every cultural artifact being critiqued. To understand and be understood, those are among life’s greatest gifts, and every interaction is an opportunity to exchange them.
4. Build pockets of stillness into your life. Meditate. Go for walks. Ride your bike going nowhere in particular. There is a creative purpose to daydreaming, even to boredom. The best ideas come to us when we stop actively trying to coax the muse into manifesting and let the fragments of experience float around our unconscious mind in order to click into new combinations. Without this essential stage of unconscious processing, the entire flow of the creative process is broken. Most important, sleep. Besides being the greatest creative aphrodisiac, sleep also affects our every waking moment, dictates our social rhythm, and even mediates our negative moods. Be as religious and disciplined about your sleep as you are about your work. We tend to wear our ability to get by on little sleep as some sort of badge of honor that validates our work ethic. But what it really is is a profound failure of self-respect and of priorities. What could possibly be more important than your health and your sanity, from which all else springs?
5. As Maya Angelou famously advised, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Just as important, however, when people try to tell you who you are, don’t believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.
6. Presence is far more intricate and rewarding an art than productivity. Ours is a culture that measures our worth as human beings by our efficiency, our earnings, our ability to perform this or that. The cult of productivity has its place, but worshipping at its altar daily robs us of the very capacity for joy and wonder that makes life worth living — for, as Annie Dillard memorably put it, “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
7. “Expect anything worthwhile to take a long time.” This is borrowed from the wise and wonderful Debbie Millman, for it’s hard to better capture something so fundamental yet so impatiently overlooked in our culture of immediacy. The myth of the overnight success is just that — a myth — as well as a reminder that our present definition of success needs serious retuning. The flower doesn’t go from bud to blossom in one spritely burst and yet, as a culture, we’re disinterested in the tedium of the blossoming. But that’s where all the real magic unfolds in the making of one’s character and destiny.
8. Seek out what magnifies your spirit. Patti Smith, in discussing William Blake and her creative influences, talks about writers and artists who magnified her spirit — it’s a beautiful phrase and a beautiful notion. Who are the people, ideas, and books that magnify your spirit? Find them, hold on to them, and visit them often. Use them not only as a remedy once spiritual malaise has already infected your vitality but as a vaccine administered while you are healthy to protect your radiance.
9. Don’t be afraid to be an idealist. There is much to be said for our responsibility as creators and consumers of that constant dynamic interaction we call culture — which side of the fault line between catering and creating are we to stand on? The commercial enterprise is conditioning us to believe that the road to success is paved with catering to existing demands — give the people cat GIFs, the narrative goes, because cat GIFs are what the people want. But E.B. White, one of our last great idealists, was eternally right when he asserted half a century ago that the role of the writer is “to lift people up, not lower them down” — a role each of us is called to with increasing urgency, whatever cog we may be in the machinery of society. Supply creates its own demand. Only by consistently supplying it can we hope to increase the demand for the substantive over the superficial — in our individual lives and in the collective dream called culture.
10. Don’t just resist cynicism — fight it actively. Fight it in yourself, for this ungainly beast lays dormant in each of us, and counter it in those you love and engage with, by modeling its opposite. Cynicism often masquerades as nobler faculties and dispositions, but is categorically inferior. Unlike that great Rilkean life-expanding doubt, it is a contracting force. Unlike critical thinking, that pillar of reason and necessary counterpart to hope, it is inherently uncreative, unconstructive, and spiritually corrosive. Life, like the universe itself, tolerates no stasis — in the absence of growth, decay usurps the order. Like all forms of destruction, cynicism is infinitely easier and lazier than construction. There is nothing more difficult yet more gratifying in our society than living with sincerity and acting from a place of largehearted, constructive, rational faith in the human spirit, continually bending toward growth and betterment. This remains the most potent antidote to cynicism. Today, especially, it is an act of courage and resistance.
11. A reflection originally offered by way of a wonderful poem about pi: Question your maps and models of the universe, both inner and outer, and continually test them against the raw input of reality. Our maps are still maps, approximating the landscape of truth from the territories of the knowable — incomplete representational models that always leave more to map, more to fathom, because the selfsame forces that made the universe also made the figuring instrument with which we try to comprehend it.
12. Because Year 12 is the year in which I finished writing Figuring (though it emanates from my entire life), and because the sentiment, which appears in the prelude, is the guiding credo to which the rest of the book is a 576-page footnote, I will leave it as it stands: There are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives.
13. In any bond of depth and significance, forgive, forgive, forgive. And then forgive again. The richest relationships are lifeboats, but they are also submarines that descend to the darkest and most disquieting places, to the unfathomed trenches of the soul where our deepest shames and foibles and vulnerabilities live, where we are less than we would like to be. Forgiveness is the alchemy by which the shame transforms into the honor and privilege of being invited into another’s darkness and having them witness your own with the undimmed light of love, of sympathy, of nonjudgmental understanding. Forgiveness is the engine of buoyancy that keeps the submarine rising again and again toward the light, so that it may become a lifeboat once more.
14. Choose joy. Choose it like a child chooses the shoe to put on the right foot, the crayon to paint a sky. Choose it at first consciously, effortfully, pressing against the weight of a world heavy with reasons for sorrow, restless with need for action. Feel the sorrow, take the action, but keep pressing the weight of joy against it all, until it becomes mindless, automated, like gravity pulling the stream down its course; until it becomes an inner law of nature. If Viktor Frankl can exclaim “yes to life, in spite of everything!” — and what an everything he lived through — then so can any one of us amid the rubble of our plans, so trifling by comparison. Joy is not a function of a life free of friction and frustration, but a function of focus — an inner elevation by the fulcrum of choice. So often, it is a matter of attending to what Hermann Hesse called, as the world was about to come unworlded by its first global war, “the little joys”; so often, those are the slender threads of which we weave the lifeline that saves us.
Delight in the age-salted man on the street corner waiting for the light to change, his age-salted dog beside him, each inclined toward the other with the angular subtlety of absolute devotion.
Delight in the little girl zooming past you on her little bicycle, this fierce emissary of the future, rainbow tassels waving from her handlebars and a hundred beaded braids spilling from her golden helmet.
Delight in the snail taking an afternoon to traverse the abyssal crack in the sidewalk for the sake of pasturing on a single blade of grass.
Delight in the tiny new leaf, so shy and so shamelessly lush, unfurling from the crooked stem of the parched geranium.
I think often of this verse from Jane Hirshfield’s splendid poem “The Weighing”:
So few grains of happiness
measured against all the dark
and still the scales balance.
Yes, except we furnish both the grains and the scales. I alone can weigh the blue of my sky, you of yours.
15. Outgrow yourself.
16. Unself. Nothing is more tedious than self-concern — the antipode of wonder.
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I LOVE your meta on how essek was the perfect asset and want to ask the follow-up question in your tags: how do you think it went down? The agreement between Essek and the Assembly? And I think the fandom was convinced Essek would be disposed of after the peace talks — how do you see his future if there was no intervention by the Mighty Nein in 97?
ruvi-muffin asked:
What are your specific thoughts abt how ludinus recruited essek??👀👀 oh Person who knows a surprising amount of spy stuff 🙏🙏🙏👀👀👀
Anonymous asked:
PLEASE share your specific thoughts about how Essek was recruited, I'm so intrigued!
Anonymous asked:
Hello yes i am very interested in these very specific thoughts about how Essek got recruited? All these things about how actual intelligence works/uses their assets/how that ties to Essek and the M9 is really interesting :D
Thank you all so much for asking me the specific question I wanted someone to ask. I had to write and rewrite this post a half-dozen times because I kept going off on tangents about other Cold War spy stories so trust me there’s plenty more where this came from.
For reference, my original post on what made Essek an ideal recruitment target and why the M9 were the ideal counter to it.
First off, this is all based on real-world intelligence ops and is only as relevant to the campaign as Matt Mercer cares to make it. Having said that *slams notebook on table* BUCKLE UP, KIDDOS.
There are two ways Essek may have been recruited: he approached the Assembly or the Assembly approached him. I think the Assembly approached him. Not to be too hard on the guy, but Essek said it himself: he’s kind of a coward. I can’t see him mustering up the nerve to take that first step. Plus his espionage seems to have focused specifically on the beacons rather than dunamancy as a whole; that sounds like the Assembly to me. The beacons specifically offer the prospect of immortality and the Cerberus mages are arrogant enough to assume they can figure out dunamancy themselves if they have a beacon in hand. There’s no way the Assembly haven’t been trying to beg, borrow, or steal those beacons for centuries. Essek may not have even been their first try - just the first that worked.
Chronologically, Essek would have popped up on either the Assembly or the Augen Trust’s radar quite early as I assume they keep tabs on all powerful Dynasty mages. As they followed his career, the Assembly would have ID’d Essek as a perfect target for recruitment as a spy, and then further for ego-based recruitment. Recruitment for espionage is a slow process - even slower in a fantasy world where some races reasonably expect to live 500+ years. Many intelligence agencies will do a sort of light meet-and-greet just to start a file on various people who might years later be of interest. The Assembly would have cultivated Essek as an intelligence asset with the same degree of time and care - and using some of the same methods - that Trent used to turn the Blumenthal trio into assassins.
If they followed a modern playbook, they would have made contact with Essek anywhere from 2 to 10 years before the theft - nothing underhanded. A Cerberus mage approaches him at a negotiation or conference and strikes up a conversation. Then it’s increasing “chance” encounters to get Essek familiar with the handler, play the “we’re both mages, really we’re on the same side” angle to earn enough sympathy & trust to start talking regularly. Once the channel’s open, the handler and asset meet and/or talk routinely while the handler assesses the target’s motives, weaknesses, and the possibility that they’re a double agent.
Espionage proper then starts with small favors, acts Essek can rationalize as victimless or even helpful to the Dynasty. In this stage the handler is getting the asset comfortable with engaging in espionage. They reward the asset for what feels like minimal moral trespass. For Essek that would have been praising his research, encouraging avenues of investigation they knew the Dynasty had shut down. Having meetings with Ludinus plays right into the ego trip - the Head of the Assembly himself is taking the time to meet with him! The Assembly gets how important this work is! That keeps Essek isolated from Dynasty members who might convince him to take a step back and builds loyalty to the Assembly over the Dynasty.
Once an asset settles in, espionage becomes easier. Routines get established. Moral hurdles have been overcome. Now the asks get bigger and the rewards get sparser. The handler will suggest larger acts just to get the asset thinking about them, since the more they consider “just hypothetically” how to pull it off, the more likely it is they’ll do it. This is where the idea of stealing the beacons would get introduced (though of course it’s been the goal all along.) I’ll bet the Assembly hinted at all the study that could be done if they could just get to the beacons in person, constantly bemoaning the lack of access. By now Essek sees the Assembly as colleagues in arcane pursuits, kindred minds, unlike the boring, stuffy old mages of the Dynasty. Of course he could outwit the Dynasty’s security and get the beacons to the Assembly - he’s a prodigy, a genius, everyone says so. And it’s not like he was stealing all of them. The consecuted would be fine. Everyone would be fine.
None of this is intended to absolve Essek of personal responsibility. But it provides a context for his actions, and for why he might regret them so much even though he apparently did them willingly. Asset handlers are very, very good at drawing someone willing to commit minor transgressions into far greater crimes. Look at how Trent shaped Caleb, Astrid, and Eadwulf. He didn’t order them to execute their own parents on day one. He spent years coaxing, tempting, and coercing them into darker and darker crimes, letting them rationalize their own actions at each step, preying on the same vulnerabilities as Essek: isolation (separating the three from other students, telling them their work was secret), ambition (the promise of great arcane power, of shaping the Empire’s destiny), and ego (”we were going to keep the empire safe,” telling them they were gifted, they were chosen).
So how do IRL spies rationalize their actions? Those who spy for reasons of conscience or ideology have done the rationalizing ahead of time, but everyone else has to get there somehow. Some who spy for revenge tell themselves it’s what their superiors deserve, while others tell themselves everyone’s doing it. Some just need a lie to get started (most commonly about who they’re spying for), while others have to keep up the charade all along. Let’s look at a few cases similar to Essek’s that demonstrate just how slippery the slope can be.
Aldrich Ames, a long-term CIA officer slash double agent for the KGB, got suckered in by thinking he could control the situation and wasn’t really hurting anyone. Ames had chronic financial trouble related to excessive drinking & his wife’s lavish lifestyle and in 1985 came up with a plan: he would essentially con the KGB by selling them a minor amount of classified info that he deemed “virtually worthless.” In April he set up the exchange and the KGB paid him $50,000, enough to satisfy his immediate debts. But after actually doing it Ames said he felt he’d now crossed a line he couldn’t step back from, and continued to sell information to the Soviets. By the time he was caught he had, by his own admission, compromised “virtually all Soviet agents of the CIA.”
While some assets just need a lie to get started, others require a delicate dance of self-delusion. Col. George Trofimoff was an Army officer who ran the center where would-be Soviet defectors were assessed & questioned. Trofimoff, a Russian émigré at a young age, was chronically in debt. In 1969 he renewed his acquaintance with his stepbrother back in Russia, now a bishop in the Russian Orthodox Church, and began to pass secrets in return for money - but he and his stepbrother never framed the transactions as such. Trofimoff described their meetings as, “very informal. ... First, it was just a conversation between the two of us. He would ask my opinion on this and that--then, he would maybe ask me, 'Well, what does your unit think about it?' Or, 'What does the American government think about it?’” His compensation was similarly informal: “I said I needed money. ... And he says, 'I tell you what, I'll loan it to you.' So he gave me, I think, 5,000 marks and then, it wasn't enough, because I needed more. ... Then he says, 'Well, you know, I'll tell you what. You don't owe me any money. And if you need some more, I can give you some more. Don't worry about it. You're going to have to have a few things, this and that.' And this is how it started.” Trofimoff could pretend to himself that he wasn’t really spying - just having a chat with his stepbrother - and wasn’t really getting paid for it - just borrowing a little money.
This got longer than I intended it to be and there’s still plenty to talk about, so I’ll save the rest for a second post. Next time: what happens long-term to espionage assets? And what happens if an asset regrets their actions and/or attempts to cut off contact with their handlers?
(This accidentally turned into a series on Essek & IRL espionage: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4)
#Critical Role#Essek Thelyss#tradecraft#mostly Cold-War-related tradecraft TBH#hot boi got ROLLED by the Assembly though#sounds like he didn't even get paid!#I do wonder at stealing TWO beacons though#why two? what was wrong with one?#maybe Essek was just showing off at that point#it's been a long pandemic
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Pick a Pile: Your Next 10 Days
Piles 1-4 starting from left to right.
This is a general reading intended for many so not everything may resonate. Usual disclaimer at bottom.
Feedback is appreciated, and I'd love to know if you find/found any of the things from your pile coming/came true.
P I L E 1
Difficulties or obstacles you may face: The Roane Mermaid
The Roane Mermaid card actually doesn’t represent any obstacles, however two necessary bits of advice attached are 1.) do not be afraid to ask for help and 2.) concentrate on what needs to be done.
How you’ll be successful in obtaining your hopes and wishes: The Right Whale
The Right Whale is about focus, understanding and intuition. Some actions associated with this card are considering your values, reminding yourself (or figuring out) what direction you’re heading, and doing what it takes to get there. This card is also about finding support in close friends and/or relatives, but be careful of putting your trust in or relying on someone who has commitments elsewhere.
Potential things in the next 10 days: The Mermaele, The Mermaids Glove, The Sith Mermaid, The Water Nymph, The Nix, The Common Dolphin, The Nixie, The Gray Whale
A wish (big or small) being granted. Being mindful of impulses. Be cautious of gaining one desire only to ‘throw off’ the whole plan. Fun approaching. Someone declaring feelings for you. Friendly contest. Being rewarded for a small act of kindness. A happy ending in love. Financial wealth. Someone may be deceiving you or trying to ride on your coattails. Holding on to your original plans. Someone around you draining your energy. Intuition. Success in making the most of your potential. Focusing on yourself. A new chapter of any sort. Travel abroad.
Common/Duplicate Messages: Holding on to your original plans. A wish fulfillment. Listen to your intuition. Asking for/accepting help. A new romance.
Affirmations & Advice from the cards: Faith sees the horizon beyond the wave. | The pathway to a dream is one of sacrifice | Talk happiness and happiness will gravitate towards you. | Lose not a tide and waste no time. | The power that creates and sustains you heals. | The first to wisdom is understanding. | Calm waters reflect clearer images than rough waters. | You never know what great idea may arise in your sleep. | Your soul will build what it is trained to expect. | To give and receive genuine love brings a gift of happiness.
P I L E 2
Difficulties or obstacles you may face: The Killer Whale
The Killer Whale is about exploitation and deception as the Killer Whale’s appearance makes it look smaller allowing them to fool their prey. Your advice here is to 1.) keep a clever mind and dive deeper and look beyond what is presented to you. 2.) remain adaptable to your environment and resources.
How you’ll be successful in obtaining your hopes and wishes: Proteus
Avoid taking on anything that may only become troublesome or a burden. Guard your interest and do not be intimidated. Success lies in your sensible adaptability.
Potential things in the next 10 days: The Roane Mermaid, The Hooper, The Nixie, The Bottlenose Dolphin, The Striped Dolphin, The Black Dolphin, The Humpback Whale, The Vodyanoi Sprite
Focusing on yourself. A new chapter or renewing of a new chapter of your life. Help from someone in a high position. A new sense of courage. Concentrating on what needs to be done. Knowing what you want and getting it. A changing relationship or a new relationship from an unlikely meeting (doesn’t have to be romantic). Shifting your appearance. Invitation to travel. Someone potentially trying to seduce you. Many interested in you, but question their motives. A surprise. Help from mother or female friends in particular. Getting together with a new group of friends. Working with and developing your strengths. Creative ideas.
Common/Duplicate Messages: Gatekeeping. Adaptability. Meeting with important people. Staying focused. Receiving help. Travel (hot & sunny places mostly). A new cycle or fresh start. Creative projects.
Affirmations & Advice from the cards: Perseverance and determination bring results. | Plan, relax, and flow with the tide . | Faith sees the horizon beyond the waves. | The one principle that runs through the universe flows in the waves of the sea. | Your soul will build what it is trained to expect. | Safe shores of emotional and physical security are yours. | Good news flowing through the ether waves will answer your prayers. | Recognise which waves will carry you to your new horizon. | Nothing can be done without the proper means. | The ebb and flow of the tide carried good tidings.
P I L E 3
Difficulties or obstacles you may face: The Mermaid’s Rock
This card is kind of tricky as it’s one of those cards that don’t really have any negative connotations. The only message from this card I would say that can be interpreted as an obstacle is whether or not you’re able to tap into your inner strength and hold on to your faith in whatever you may be facing.
How you’ll be successful in obtaining your hopes and wishes: The Sperm Whale
Mainly, as long as you put your mind to something, you can achieve it.
Potential things in the next 10 days: Melusina, The Kelpie, The Right Whale, The Common Dolphin, The Gray Whale, The Blue Whale, The Bottlenose Dolphin, The Siren
Receiving a response you desire. An invitation from someone emotionally attached. Choosing who to hold on to and who to let go. Remaining calm will put you in a better position. Think before you act. Seeing through appearances. In control of yourself. Help from mother or female friends in particular. Good news. Someone being curious about you. Push yourself (within reason of course. Please don’t overwork or exert yourselves). Travel abroad/to the coast. Being ‘set free’ or a new beginning. Listening to your intuition. Considering your values. Checking in on your goals. Finding support in close friends and/or relatives. Be careful of putting your trust in or relying on someone who has commitments elsewhere.
Common Messages: Being observant. Being able to adjust or shape a situation to your liking. Achieving goals you set with focus and an extra push. Trust & listen to your intuition.
Affirmations & Advice from the cards: When two people in their hearts are one. they shatter the strength of stone. | Make friends with the cheerful and optimistic. | The calm of patience brings a tranquil sea of protection. | The longings of your heart are prophecies of realities. | The pathway to a dream is one of sacrifice. | You never know what great idea may arise in your sleep. | To give and receive genuine love brings a gift of happiness. | You will achieve your dreams through innovative solutions. | Safe shores of emotional and physical security are yours. | In the treasure of a day light is thrown on what could be tomorrow.
P I L E 4
Difficulties or obstacles you may face: The Pilot Whale
One of things The Pilot Whale speaks to is taking a moment to asks yourself if others have your best interest in heart or if you’re taking the wrong route if you’re doing things out of the ordinary. Make sure you’re carefully planning and know who you can trust.
How you’ll be successful in obtaining your hopes and wishes: Melusina
The key thing is to remember to think before you act and remaining calm as impulsive reactions can jeopardise situations or make them worse than they need to be.
Potential things in the future: The Humpback Whale, The Triton, The Nixie, The Vatea, The Kelpie, Ningyo, The Merbaby, The Kraken
Something coming to an end. Nothing to be afraid of. Happy days ahead. Focusing on yourself. A new chapter or renewing of a new chapter of your life. Vulnerability— make sure you’re guarded and cautious as you get to where you need to be. Avoiding being sidetracked. Achieving what’s good and right for you. Invitation to travel. Someone potentially trying to seduce you. Trying to free yourself from the unconscious. ‘Your ability to master forces lies in looking deeply into your subconscious.’ Good fortune in waves until the biggest arrives. Meeting a stranger (potentially romantic). Someone you already know may want you more. Refuse to be disheartened or muddle-headed.
Common Messages: Being careful with your actions. Be careful of someone being dishonest with you. Questioning the motive of others. Control yourself/Self awareness. Going into your subconscious. You have the answers you seek inside.
Affirmations & Advice from the cards: You are your own fate and control your own destiny. | The calm of patience brings a tranquil sea of protection. | Nothing can be done without the proper means. | Your aim rather than your desire is your real doctrine. | Your soul will build what it is trained to expect. | The secret of happiness is consciously uniting with the best in you. | The longings of your heart are prophecies of realities.| Astral light and an image of the world and oneness integrates the two, them and you. | The skill of being in harmony increases your effectiveness. | Your success and happiness lie within you.
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Disclaimer: I read tarot for self reflection and guidance purposes, but as always, this reading is for fun and entertainment purposes only. I may include advice for if you find a particular topic resonating, but it is in no way meant to replace any kind of professional advice. Any reading I post is in no way meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. You know yourself and what’s going on in your life best so I ask that you trust yourself above all else. Prediction readings are to be seen simply as a potential outcome. Finally, please take only what resonates from the reading which may be some of it, all of it, or none at all.
#pick a card#pick a card reading#pick a pile#pick a picture#ariesmoontarot#tarot predictions#pick a pile reading#pac#pac reading
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The Means Reflect On The Ends Actually, (c!Dream & the conditioning of Exile)
What was the point of exile, storywise? What does it say about c!Dream? Sure, it’s showcasing how far he’s willing to go to achieve his own ends, but I don't think all discussion about what exile tells us about c!Dream should start and end there.
Dream is not cruel for cruelty’s sake. Dream’s end goal is not to hurt as many people as possible. He views his cruelty are “necessary evils”, and he doesn’t dwell much on whether the things he does are “good” or “bad”. He’s fully aware he’s hurting people and he ultimately thinks that hurting people, to the extent that he does, is worth it. That being said, while Dream has an ends justify the means mindset, but the truth is, the means absolutely reflect on the ends. His true intentions aren’t a mystery, it’s very clear in the text that his ultimate goal is unity, but why does he want unity? And what would said unity entail?
(Before this essay starts I have to do an ad break to promo @daggryet's very helpful [transcriptions from the exile streams], which I'll be using a lot of. Thanks for the very helpful resource.)
TW: Relatively extensive discussion abt the abuse in exile arc & the effects of said abuse.
Firstly, I don't think you should deny his relationship to control. A through-line of his character is achieving harmony through control, and more specifically, obedience. There’s a reason why he tends to single out Tommy the most. It’s not actually because Tommy is remarkably more troublesome than anyone else on the server, but rather, because his disruptive nature is at Dream’s expense. Tommy is the only character who’s consistently over and over again refused to respect Dream’s authority, and though he isn’t particularly threatening on his own, it’s the sentiment itself that’s dangerous. Similarly, this is why he has consistently targeted L’manburg, moreso than any other faction on the server such as, say, Badlands, El Rapids. It’s almost as if they represented the sentiment, “Hey, why are we listening to you anyway? Why can’t we be listening to anyone else?”, which is why he crushed them, over, and over again. What if everyone figures out they can just stop listening to him? What then?
We talk a lot about the effects exile had on Tommy, and rightfully so, but we don’t talk enough about what Dream was actually doing. What was the purpose of exile? Was it just a way to get closer to the discs? Just a means to an end? What was the end?
TOMMY: What, what could you possibly want more from me? You’ve tortured me.
DREAM: I’m just keeping an eye on you, Tommy.
TOMMY: What does that mean?!
DREAM: I’m just, I’m making sure that you’re not up to no good.
TOMMY: But, how, you’ve exiled me, you fucking stupid, manipulative fucking green bastard!
DREAM: I know! And you know why I did that?
TOMMY: Yes?
DREAM: No, you know why?
TOMMY: Why?
DREAM: Because you don’t listen to me ever, you’re the only person who doesn’t ever listen to me. If I tell you to do something, you’re like “no, fuck you!”, and you go and like do like the exact opposite.
[full transcription]
As much as I have to preface this with that this is speculative and we may not have any irrefutable confirmation, I think it's very likely that it's literally just what Dream is saying he's doing. Tommy is the one person who refuses to listen to him, and he wants him to listen. Exile was not only conditioning Tommy to believe that nobody other than Dream cares about him, not only conditioning Tommy to be entirely reliant on him, but also conditioning Tommy to listen to him, without question, without disobeying. And that is such a significant and reoccurring motif for it to arguably just be the intended reading of exile.
Abuse is a vague term that encompasses a lot of abusive practices. There are a good handful that apply to exile, I'm sure if you ask someone qualified they'll be able to provide you a nice handy list, but ultimately, all of them target Tommy's own sense of agency and autonomy, and it all revolves around power and control. Dream creates rituals purely to disarm him, threatens him and punishes him when he doesn't listen, and rewards him when he complies (or rather, conditions Tommy into thinking that not being punished is a reward).
TOMMY: [begins throwing his armor and axe down for DREAM to explode.]
DREAM: No, no, it’s fine.
TOMMY: Re-really?
DREAM: Yeah. Today’s the party, right?
---
TOMMY: So when can I- no, I wanna go back. I… hey, thanks for letting me keep my armour today.
DREAM: You’re welcome.
TOMMY: Kinda nice of you.
[full transcription]
Dream isn’t only hurting Tommy for the sake of hurting him. People tend to frame it as if Dream Just Hates Tommy, but that’s not true. He finds Tommy fun, in a twisted way. There are a lot of moments in exile where they’re both on very good terms and Dream is friendly with Tommy. But, it's also all part of horror of exile, making Tommy reliant on him and his company, getting him to doubt his sense of reality, making him question whether his friends back in L’manburg ever cared about him at all, and possibly questioning whether he’s imagining the abuse as well, Dream is so kind to him after all, why would he ever want to hurt him?
Over the course of exile Tommy agency and sense of self start to deteriorate as well as his mental health, he starts worrying about what Dream would think, starts asking Dream for permission, going out of his way to avoid upsetting him, his only friend, his only reliable caring companion.
TOMMY: Yeah, so I’m thinking we- and then I can- but the thing is; so recently my buddy, Dream, has been doing this thing where he, uhm… it makes sense, though, because I’m not in his land anymore, but he takes my shit from me, so I need to make sure- […]
---
RANBOO: Yeah, so what do you say- does Dream like take your armor? Is that what you said?
TOMMY: I don’t know, he just- hey man, I just follow the boss.
[full transcription]
TOMMY: “Visit Techno” no, no, what would Dream think? […]
---
TOMMY: I’ve had a little idea, by the way, and I wanna know what you think, and also if I’m allowed
DREAM: Okay?
[full transcription]
TOMMY: Yeah, I know he’s actually - he’s sort of my- he’s borderline my owner, Big Q, so I’m not really sure.
MEXICAN DREAM: He’s your dad?
TOMMY: No, no-
MEXICAN DREAM: Ey! Ey, Papa Thomas!
TOMMY: No, no, we’re- as in labor.
MEXICAN DREAM: You gotta teach your child some manners.
[full transcription]
Dream’s outburst in exile after finding Tommy’s chests, is arguably one of Dream's most emotionally honest (and reckless) moments in exile considering it was what made Tommy realize he needed to save himself and escape. And it's punishing Tommy for going behind his back and planning to revolt.
TOMMY: I’m really, no, I’m really sorry, though. Why don’t we just pretend this never- yeah, let’s, shall we just pretend this-?
DREAM: Sorry doesn’t cut it, Tommy. Listen, I’ll leave you here to think about what you did-
TOMMY: What about the nether? What about the nether, my friends, what-?
DREAM: No! You can’t go to the nether, no one can come here, you are alone, okay? As soon as I think that you have changed, have become somebody who isn’t going to hide and lie and try and revolt; then people can visit you again. You can go to the nether again. But for now - no, no one can. You- I was being very lenient. Yesterday I let you go into the Dream SMP on a temporary pass, and then what do I find out the next day?
TOMMY: I’m so sorry.
DREAM: I have been nothing but gracious to you. Tommy. Think about what you did.
---
Exile wasn’t only a means to getting closer to the discs or getting Tommy out of the way. Exile was a means to conditioning Tommy into listening and respecting Dream as his superior. Dreams solution to Tommy being disruptive and troublesome was to [physically beat], emotionally abuse, and psychologically condition him into obedience. Only seeing exile as a testament to how far how willing he was go to meet his ends is reductive, and not acknowledging what Dream considers to be a “problem” and what he considers to be “solutions” is to not engage with his worldview. You have to take exile into account and what it actually says about his ideals of harmony and unity.
---
TOMMY: I can’t go back… I can’t go back, and see my friends and see Tubbo. This is a shithole! He wasn’t- he wasn’t here ‘cause he was my friend. He was here to- what did he say on the first day? Got a little bug that he can’t flig off? I’m the only person who never does exactly what he says?
TOMMY: I’m the only person who never does what he says. Me! He said that to me, didn’t he?
TOMMY: He was here to watch me.
[full transcription]
Dream’s relationship to Tommy can (and honestly should) be compared to his relationship to the entire server at large. Not to imply that He Literally Wants To Abuse The Server, but rather the he views the server revolting as a problem, and the solution? Well. The [prison]. The hall of attachments. It’s no surprise that the disc war, a conflict that was initially only primarily between Dream and Tommy*, is suddenly about everyone. Bargaining and blackmailing using attachments, something Dream initially only subjected Tommy to, to keep him under his control, is now a means to control everyone.
Is Dream's goal of unity for the sake of the overall happiness and quality of life of the people living within said unity? I don’t doubt that this at some point in time was true. But, the fact that he’s willing to ruin lives and long-term psychologically destroy people over it, means that his goal isn’t unity for the sake of the people living in his ideal version of the server, but at their expense. Him believing he needs to control people to maintain unity and harmony means that he believes himself to know what's best for people moreso than the people themselves, and therefore he's the only one responsible enough to make decisions for them. And it also means that his motives has warped and twisted overtime, it’s likely that he’s become so fixated on the goal of unity itself that he’s lost track of why he wanted it in the first place.
Anyway. Stop buying into Dream's own self-justification of "ends justify the means" and put his deeply flawed and broken worldview and view of people under a little bit of goddam scrutiny.
#*yeah no its about tubbo and sapnap too but thats not really who dream has ever focused on#dream smp#dreamwastaken#tommyinnit#exile arc#tw abuse#ask to tag#lor3 essays
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Heya. I know this is very angsty of a request, but I saw the fic of characters reacting to their s/o who [tw] relapsed into self harm and was wondering if you would do some for asahi, ushijima, and oikawa?
[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐩𝐭.𝟐
hi ! ofc you can honey <3 i hope these will bring you as much comfort as you need, and plz don’t hesitate to dm me if you need to talk to someone, or to reach out for help in any way. here’s a hug for you bcs you deserve it, love you 💗
also im sorry but i really couldn’t imagine asahi ever arguing with his s/o so i didn’t include this in his fic (he really is too precious)
warnings : mentions of self harm, one mention of blood, some self-depreciating thoughts. please do not read if any of these might trigger something, stay safe everyone <3
➾ 𝐚𝐬𝐚𝐡𝐢
asahi trusted you blindly. and everyday, he had to make an effort to persuade himself that you trusted him in return. you did of course, how could you not trust the one that had helped you through so much ?
but this wasn’t about trust ; it was about shame. because the last thing you wanted was to find in his eyes the anguish and fear as they were a few months ago. you couldn’t do that to him, yet you kept doing that to yourself.
however, you had the misfortune - which was more of a blessing really - to have a very observant boyfriend who cared about you. and he cared enough to gather the courage to finally ask you about what he had hoped you’d come to him for. sat next to you on the couch, he took the plunge.
« do you… do you remember when you promised to always come to me if you needed help ? ». there, he had said it. and from the way that his arm tightened encouragingly around your waist, you understood what he meant by this innocent question. he kept speaking : « you know i trust you, right ? i really do. but something tells me that maybe you forgot about this promise recently ».
each of his words was carefully chosen, more than usual. because even if he didn’t show you, he was terrified of messing up. the fact that you were reluctant to answer was enough for him to understand that he had guessed right. but what confirmed it was the single tear that slowly streamed down your cheek.
« oh angel, no, come here. come, you’re ok now… » he spoke in a tone that was more comforting that anything you had ever heard. his arms were wide open for you to snuggle in, and when they wrapped around you, his words replayed once again in your head. i’m ok now, i’m ok now… you repeated internally. and you were, asahi was a man of his words after all.
« i’m sorry for being weak » you finally said after a few seconds of silence, voice half-muffled by his embrace. his warm fingers traced the outline of your face, encouraging you to look up to him. not because he needed to see your face, he already knew it by heart, but because you needed to see his. « weak ? y-you’re the furthest thing from weak. how can i even put it..? you are one of the strongest person i know, and i wouldn’t be half the man i am today if it weren’t for you.
you wanted to thank him, but exhaustion took hold of your body before any word could leave your tight throat. and when you woke up - two hours later according to the clock - asahi was still there, holding you tight against his heart like a promise to never let go of you anymore.
➾ 𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢���𝐢𝐦𝐚
ushijima hated to waste time and energy on ‘petty fights’, as he liked to call them. but it was really frustrating to always feel like he avoided confrontation ; arguments were necessary in a relationship, and he didn’t seem to understand that.
whenever you got into fights, you were always the only one to get angry, which never failed to make you feel guilty afterwards. and eventually, this feeling of guilt started to become permanent, taking so much place in your brain that you had to sacrifice a part of the self-confidence you had built up the past months. but you didn’t know how much longer you could conceal it.
tonight was the first time you were sleeping together since your most recent fight, the one that had damaged you so badly. and you couldn’t lie, feeling his warmth next to you after about three days spent ignoring him almost felt like a reward. but a reward for what ? you were certainly not proud of what you had done, and you were terrified at the thought that he’d ever notice it. but unfortunately, your efforts to pretend like everything was ok were put to an end in the middle of the night, at about 3 am. something silly, really : ushijima had just turned around in his sleep, and his shoulder accidentally weighed on your wrist, making you hiss in pain. he immediately opened his eyes at the sound, his hand immediately finding its way to your side - he was always a light sleeper with you.
« are you ok ? » he asked, propping himself on an elbow, barely distinguishing your silhouette in the dark. « yeah, just my wrist. come on, let’s go back to sl- ». oh… that wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. it was hard to gauge his reaction since you could not properly see his face, but since he sat on the bed as soon as you interrupted yourself, you understood that it had not fallen on deaf ears. « are you comfortable with me turning on the lights ? » he asked, obvious concern in his voice. saying yes was tempting, because you knew this was a serious matter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let him see you like this, vulnerable and ashamed.
ushijima accepted it of course, he knew he was not the best with words, so the least he could do was to make sure you were comfortable with whatever he decided to do. « is it ok if i hold you ? » he asked once again, his tone a bit more hesitant. the muscles in your jaw tensed at his words, it was more than ok, or at least you wanted to give it a try, but the worry you had caused him was bringing you back to the familiar feeling of guilt.
however, when he carefully made you rest on top of him like he had always done, something inside you felt healed to know that whatever you were going through did not impact every aspect of your life. his embrace felt the same, so did his heaving chest that rocked your body to sleep every night. surprisingly enough, you did not shed a tear. because the comfort finally felt stronger than the pain, you refused to let anything trouble this moment.
« are you ready to talk about it ? » he questioned, his voice rumbling like a soothing storm in his chest « or do you prefer to wait until tomorrow ? ».
ushijima might have avoided many discussions with you, but this one ? he simply refused to. and if he was more than ready to help you overcome your pain, he also knew not to pressure you into talking. words would come, eventually. but actions were always first.
➾ 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚
despite his usually confident behavior, oikawa knew he had a tendency to second-guess each and every one of his actions, and to beat himself up quite often.
he could not remember the last time he had felt so utterly disgusted by himself, he was usually more careful with his words. but all it took was one angry outburst from him for you to withdraw into yourself - and he had to fix this as soon as possible.
luckily for him, your relationship was strong enough not to be too affected by this argument - which had not been your first, but definitely the biggest one. however, you had been affected. a lot actually. but you knew better than to talk to him about this, knowing that he would obviously take the blame for your relapse.
but oikawa was attentive, and, clever as he was, it did not take long for him to guess what you were going through when he saw the red-stained tissues in the bathroom trash. it had been two weeks since your fight, and just the thought that he had left you alone with your struggles for so long made him want to throw up.
without wasting any more second, he burst out of the bathroom and made his way to the living room where you were absent-mindedly watching a movie. he would have preferred to have a discussion with you with a clear head, but the sight of the tissues kept spiraling in his head and he was incapable of doing anything else but to pull you in for a hug whose suddenness made you gasp.
oikawa’s hugs were usually soft, with little kisses here and there and a few compliments chuckled in your ear. but today had nothing to do with those. his arms were engulfing your figure in a desperate need to feel you against him, like he was trying to make up for all the time he had left you alone. « i’m so sorry, so sorry baby… can you forgive me ? » he breathed out, his voice cracking with emotion. obviously you knew what he was referring to, how could you not know ? and just like him, the thousand words on your mind only transcribed in your arms wrapping around him, closing the last few millimeters that separated you as you frantically nodded your head yes.
you did not think he had anything to be forgiven for, and sadly, you also knew that he would continue to blame himself no matter what your answer had been. that was actually your biggest motivation to begin your recovery journey. oikawa needed to know that, from now on, you’d turn to him instead of your old habits. and you wanted nothing more than to make him happy, so, since his happiness seemed to depend on yours, it could be considered a package deal towards a better future, together.
before you leave, here are links to two mental health support apps that i hope will help you deal what you are going through right now. i know it’s not much but i’ll be the happiest girl if this helped someone in the tiniest way. take care of yourselves ❤️
Calm Harm - Play Store | App Store
Wysa - Play Store | App Store
@toworuu @catwithangerissues
#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu comfort#haikyuu angst#asahi azumane#asahi x reader#ushijima wakatoshi#ushijima x reader#oikawa tooru#oikawa x reader
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Uchiha Itachi: NSFW Alphabet
So, it has come to my attention that Itachi of the Uchiha has been done a disservice in the eyes of the internet and been called terrible names. *COUGH* vanilla *COUGH* basic *HACK*
I assure you, my friends, nothing could be further from the truth!
And so, I present to you, my interpretation of the one and only. Enjoy.
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
Aftercare is not optional. It is just as much a part of the experience as foreplay and the actual sex.
Will he clean you up? Not religiously, like it’s something he’ll do every time, but yes, he would. If you’re still feeling tired or lingering in bed by the time he’s gotten cleaned up, he wouldn’t think twice and just take care of you as well. If you mention that you think it’s sweet or you enjoy it, then… YES, he would absolutely start doing this religiously.
Expect hairstroking and holding you to his chest, letting you listen to his heartbeat. If you want to share your 4 AM thoughts here, he’ll be down for it and let you know what he thinks about your ideas. After you’ve fallen asleep he will stay awake sorting through his thoughts, over what it means to have you by his side and the risks involved for you. This is pretty much the only time in the day that it’s safe to be vulnerable with his thoughts and so, this is where he will think about what you mean to him, and press a kiss to your forehead before finally going to sleep himself.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
Eyes, definitely. The eyes are known to be the windows to the heart and his own eyes define so much of his life and his destiny, so yes, he could stare into his partner’s eyes for an almost uncomfortably long time, drinking them in.
I can’t really say he’s a butt or boobs guy cuz that’s not how his mind is wired. He’s wired to be mission-oriented and there’s no room in his mind for distractions but on his S/O he would appreciate and worship every inch of her.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Um… breeding kink, anyone? Defo see him as having one. Is this an underlying psychological thing because he was deprived of having a normal family? At the same time, though, he’s in no rush to have children of his own, because he knows what a terrible place this world can be. But the desire to spill his seed deep into his S/O’s womb is deeply ingrained. Modern birth-control would really solve this problem.
Also, swallowing. *COUGH* If someone does this for him it will go straight to his head. Prepare to be rewarded.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
Hmm… I almost feel guilty about characterizing him like this, but I could see him somewhere deep down having a desire to have his partner submit to him? Not in the sense that he would ask for that, but if he had a wet dream about his S/O she would probably be on her knees, and he would feel guilty about it the next day and be a little sweeter than usual to her.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
Okay! So, this is an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think Itachi is inexperienced!
Even if we take Canon!Ita (but maybe age him up a little) I feel like there could be situations, mission-related, or pursued by women he objectively finds appealing, where saying no is just more inconvenient than going along with it. Especially if it’s for the sake of a mission, he wouldn’t think twice. Or if he does it in order to not blow his cover. While he does largely turn admirers away, more for their own good and because he’s generally not interested, I do believe he could have realistically encountered situations in his travels that led to sexual encounters. He hasn’t taken a vow of chastity, so I don’t see why he should go to unreasonable lengths to say no?
So yeah, in my mind he definitely has some experience, but not a whole lot. Obviously, he takes necessary precautions to ensure those brief dalliances stay just that.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
Hahahaha, so I had to do some research to find out what this position is called. The Mastery? Basically, it’s woman on top but the couple is in a seated position. Meaning, he gets to look into your eyes and just basically, the heightened intimacy and closeness of this position are what does it for him. Also, he has more control than in the normal girl-on-top position, so he can control the pace somewhat and help you out.
But if you’re tired, he’ll pick you up and flip positions, he won’t wait for you to admit you’re tired and he won’t listen to your protests. He wants to see you out of your mind in ecstasy, not wondering whether or not you’re too tired to continue.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
Alright, so it’s Itachi, right? He isn’t very jokey. That just is what it is. He might do something unintentionally that might make you giggle, or you could laugh out of nervousness and while he very much enjoys that sound he doesn’t really know how to provoke it from you. It’s just not his area of expertise. (Sorry, Ita. Couldn’t give you this one.)
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
Hmm… well, Itachi definitely is clean by nature, and is definitely well-groomed and particular in all aspects of his life, so… I’m going to go with trimmed. Neat and orderly. Just like everything else about him.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
I lowkey just want to link my oneshots to this, cuz they say it all, but alright! He will want to be connected to his S/O. That means either being able to see her face, or if the position doesn’t allow for it to hear her voice the entire time. He’s good at that. He’s so sweet and considerate and perceptive. He knows what’s working for you and what isn’t even without you saying a word, He may not have a whole lot of experience, but he has an innate talent (because doesn’t he just… with everything?) and he’s an exceptionally quick learner. He will legit ruin you for anyone else because if you ever ARE with anyone else and they snap at you, “What do you think I am, a mind reader?” You’ll realize what Itachi was doing.
So, yeah. He wants to make sure you’re into it and you’re taken care of and you’re near delirious with pleasure before he decides to let go himself. Being self-sacrificial and caring for others is in his nature. So, yeah, you really need to man up and figure out what he needs because he isn’t going to tell you. But you’re smart. You’ll work it out. (OR JUST READ THE REST OF THIS ALPHABET.)
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
Sorry, no. Don’t see him doing this. You have to consider how disciplined the guy is, and how insanely busy. It really is kind of a waste of time at the end of the day and if he wants it that badly, he can just make the trip to see you.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Teasing, edging, getting you to beg. He feels bad for you, he really does. But how much more can you take? You won’t know until you know. He’ll reward you for your patience though. And let’s be honest, you’ll love it, teasing and all. Not to mention mindfucking you to oblivion.
So, I went through an alleged “complete” list of 239 kinks to try and answer this question and most of it was just… weird. So, let’s do this differently. What follows is an incomplete list of things I could potentially see him being into or good at or have an interest in. In no particular order: mirrors, sub/dom play (with a little coaxing and admitting to himself that this is even a thing that he’s into. It would absolutely be limited to the bedroom, though), sensory deprivation, and.... bear with me here, but… I could see him having a hand for Shibari. THINK ABOUT IT. Those knots and things they learned to tie in the ninja academy? And we know Itachi is the best of the best in everything he does. So, I don’t think this is beyond the realm of possibility.
Generally speaking, though, he just doesn’t have the time for this stuff. BUT IF HE DID…
And now, this is exclusive to AM!Ita but he most likely has a praise kink. Being hated and cursed for eons, and being disillusioned with his own role, if his S/O comes in and tells him how great he is, how handsome, how wonderful. How good he is at what he does. How wonderful he makes her feel. Mmmm. I can see that doing things to him. XD
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
Ideally, in a lake or a river. Outdoor bathing spaces are generally approached with caution, so even if someone were to come by they would call out and make sure no one is there first, which means, less risk of getting caught. And I mean, this is Itachi… He’s an S-rank exiled nin. HE KNOWS HOW TO NOT GET CAUGHT. LOL. But yeah, he spends a lot of time out-of-doors. He’s more accustomed to the starry sky overhead than the roof of a house or woodland cabin. In my interpretation, he feels very much at peace when surrounded by nature and he would enjoy being intimate with you in that setting.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Confidence. Enthusiasm. Not necessarily seduction, if it’s a stranger he’s dealing with, this is more of a turn-off than anything. But if it’s his S/O and she turns up the charm and crooks a finger at him… You might even get a smile on that stoic face. I don’t see him being into the shy and stuttering type. If you blush and say, “No! St- stop!” He’ll literally stop. And probably apologize. AND NOT DO IT AGAIN.
If you try and explain to him that your no doesn’t mean no… Ah, yeah. He’s not into that. Be straightforward. Say what you mean. Don’t play games with him. He’ll see right through you.
That being said, being a lonely fighter all his life means he’s very sensitive to your touch. Just run a hand along his shoulder in passing and he’ll grab it and press a kiss to your palm, and haul you in. I could see him being into your hands. It really isn’t hard to turn him on, it’s hard to earn his trust and a position in his life that gives you the right to touch him and be touched by him. But when you’re there, it’s the easiest thing in the world. A smile, a kiss, a brush of your fingers over his collarbones. He’s a goner.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Pegging. This goes without saying. I can’t really think of much else he wouldn’t be into. I mean, stuff that’s a little more out there. Watersports. Daddy/Mommy kinks. Actual exhibitionism, (not genjutsu version) no way is he going to let anyone look in on your most intimate moments. Impact play. He knows very well what his hands are capable of, and there’s a lot of blood on them, so he really wouldn’t be into stuff that involves actually hurting you.
If his S/O likes it VERY rough, he might resort to genjutsu so that she gets what she wants, but he doesn’t have to actually hurt her. Other than that, bruising, choking, the usual level of roughness? Bring it on. Being adept with his hands also means he knows very well where that fine line between pain and pleasure is.
Not to mention, he’s very perceptive, so he’ll figure out what you’re into even without you saying it. He’s also very giving so he’ll focus more on your preferences than his own. But if the day ever comes where you realize what submission does to him… The man would be putty in your hands. Kukukukuku...
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Both.
Giving, because he has absolute control over your pleasure, and because he enjoys how easily he can drive you out of your mind. We’ve established that he’s a terrible tease, so driving you to the brink and leaving you hanging, feeling every single one of your reactions… It’s good stuff.
Receiving takes the cake though. Being that vulnerable with someone, even having someone he can trust that much. It’s definitely something he’s very partial to, something that makes him soft towards you, and something that plays into his forbidden desire of seeing you submit, whether or not he’s aware of it. He’ll make sure to return the favor tenfold.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
This is an odd question I think, because… doesn’t it depend? On how much time he has, on how the two of you are feeling, on what the mood is?
Anyways, I’m going to go ahead and say slow and sensual because he really is a man who likes to take his time with you. He likes to feel every one of your responses, hear every little mewl and whimper and moan that crosses your lips. He definitely makes it an experience.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Not his preference, but he isn’t above having a quickie if that’s all that time allows. But he would definitely follow up with a proper session at a later time, then.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
Itachi is so nice. He really is. There’s nothing you could want that he wouldn’t be willing to try at least once for your sake. I mean, apart from the stuff listed under “N”.
And would he take risks? YES, HE WOULD. Because his assessment of the risks varies greatly from yours. So, something that you would think is very risky, might seem not risky at all to him, because he knows exactly how to go unseen, unnoticed. You might think he’s being risky, but he’s well aware there was a 0% chance you were going to get caught. Because Itachi skillz.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
Stamina! *insert sparkles* AM!Ita has been established in the works, so I think that needs no comment. Canon!Itachi is a freaking fighter. An S-class exiled nin. Someone who claims Itachi has no stamina wants to start something with me. DID YOU SEE HIM HAND SASUKE’S ASS TO HIM? Despite his illness? He lost because he CHOSE to lose. I don’t see the Akatsuki hauling out a wheelchair for Itachi to go on his missions, so don’t go telling me nothing about Itachi having no stamina. SHAKE MY HEAD WHILE JUDGING YOU.
Dude is strong as hell. And you can’t tell me some bedroom fun is more physically taxing than literal superhuman battles against huge ass tailed beasts! It’s just ridiculous. I’m not here to rant. Better calm down.
I’m here to tell you our man can go for at least three rounds and you will *GUARANTEED* always tire out before he does.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
Yes. The sharingan. THE ONLY TOY YOU WILL EVER NEED. As mentioned above, he’s not above using his skills to heighten your pleasure, and mess with your mind. But actual, physical toys? Nah, the thought processes that would lead to considering, comparing, and actually purchasing those are just so foreign to his thinking. It would never even cross his mind. What can a toy even do that he can’t do better? (To his thinking anyway. Well, he’s not wrong.)
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He will make you beg. Absolutely. He’s totally unfair. He will have casual conversations with you while driving you out of your wits. And then he’ll ask you why you’re not answering him. Ask you what’s wrong. Ask you what you want. LIKE HE DOESN’T KNOW.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Itachi is very restrained and disciplined so, unfortunately, this means he isn’t very vocal. I know, cry with me, it’s such a waste. *hires an orchestra of the world’s smallest violins* BUT that means when you do manage to make him groan or moan in pleasure, it’s such a huge ego boost. Apart from the sounds he makes when hitting a climax, he’s generally in control and whispering praise and teasings into your ear or over your skin.
If you want him to talk, get on your knees and give him some head. Not kidding. Mentioned it above already. He gets to let go, a lot of his secret kinks are getting fulfilled, he feels vulnerable and is cool with it. He’ll dig his hands into your hair, cup your cheek, his eyes will roll into the back of his head and he’ll tell you on a low moan what a good girl you are.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
So, let’s say you’re waiting to talk to him and he’s busy meeting with some people or whatever and you’re standing off to the side patiently. He just briefly glances at you before turning back to his comrades and BOOM. Next thing you know, he’s got you by the neck, has you pinned against his desk/table/whatever (this was originally a Hokage!Ita headcanon so do with that what you will), and is doing unspeakable things to you in front of everyone. No sooner does the encounter come to an end, than you suddenly wake up and find yourself still standing right where you were, until it happens again, and this time he takes you against the wall.
It’s an illusion wrapped in an illusion wrapped in an illusion more times than you can count and when you finally do come to your senses, you can barely stand. The meeting is over. Itachi turns toward you, “You wanted to speak with me?”
Ah, yes. Good old Itachi mindfuckery.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
I mean, muscles, yes? Lots of them. Man’s fit as a fiddle. He’s a ninja. So, yes, the entire delicious length of him is covered in lean, firm muscle. He’s clearly well-endowed because… he just is. Maybe not the longest cucumber in the farmer’s market (which isn’t to say he isn’t long, because he is… don’t claim I called him short) but thick and veiny and above all else, attached to a man with a brain who knows how to use it efficiently. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
This is a tough one, because the constraints are not on his drive, but on his time. He’ll take whatever chances he can to be with you. AM!Ita is established to have a very high sex drive, but he also has restraint, so when you’re not into it, he’s cool with it. As if that would ever happen. So, I would have to say, the actual encounters will unfortunately be far between because of his lifestyle, but he will always make up for lost time.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Kind of already mentioned this above, that those moments afterwards with you are his most vulnerable moments where he feels relatively safe and at ease, so he stays awake for a long time after, sorting through his thoughts. Also, he won’t say this to you, but it’s his job to protect you, so there is no way he’ll fall asleep before you do. Not gonna happen.
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Max Goodwin and Randall Pearson: The Well-Meaning, Incredibly Self-Centered Leading Men We’ve Grown to Love.
Hey fam! Like I said, I’ve been writing a ton of meta lately and this is another one that’s just been sitting in my drafts. It’s basically a This Is Us and a New Amsterdam meta which is something I haven’t done before but something I want do more of. In my Game of Thrones days I used to write a lot of meta about shows and characters that had similarities so this is fun for me. I hope y’all enjoy this. ALSO THIS HAS SPOILERS FOR BOTH SHOWS!!!!!!!
Without a doubt the two most popular shows on NBC is This is Us and New Amsterdam. And what’s not to love? They’re both emotionally driven, heartfelt, shows that focus on incredibly deep and complex topics. Though one show focuses on family dynamics and the other focuses on the healthcare system, these shows are very similar in more ways than one. Case in point, Max Goodwin and Randall Pearson. The more I watch these two shows, the more I realize how these two characters are so alike!!! These two men are kind-hearted, well intentioned, individuals who genuinely want to make some sort of positive difference. They are incredibly ambitious and always have “bright ideas” and “goals” they want to accomplish and somehow they’re able to meet those goals without ever having to sacrifice their wants and needs. By every definition these men are the “main characters” or the ultimate “protagonists.” These are the folks that we are supposed to root for. At the same time, though these men have many traits to be admired, when you truly look at it both of them can be incredibly self centered and selfish especially when it pertains to their romantic partners and love interests. No matter how appealing you make these characters out to be these men clearly fall under the Behind Every Great Man trope.
The Behind Every Great Man trope has been used countless of times throughout Cinema and TV History that I’m sure that I don’t even have to explain it to you but for the sake of this meta this is how it’s defined.
“Behind Every Great Man...stands an even greater woman! Or in about a hundred variations is a Stock Phrase referring to how people rarely achieve greatness without support structures that go generally unappreciated, and said support structure is a traditionally female role via being the wife, mother, or sometimes another relation. This trope is specifically about a man who is credited with something important, but owes much of his success to the woman in his life.”
This trope usually has a negative connotation (and rightfully so) because the man who often benefits from this is an asshole and unworthy of this type of support!
For example:
Oliva and Fitz
Cristina Yang and Burke
Cookie and Lucious
Ghost and Tasha
There are countless others but these are a few of the couples that come to mind for me. Randall and Max aren’t comparable to any of these men that are listed above but they are still operating under the same trope. It just looks nicer because Max and Randall are inherently good and inspirational. They are the heroes of the story. I would even argue and say that both men fall under the Chronic Hero Syndrome trope which is defined as
“Chronic Hero Syndrome is an "affliction" of cleaner heroes where for them, every wrong within earshot must be righted, and everyone in need must be helped, preferably by Our Hero themself. While certainly admirable, this may have a few negative side-effects on the hero and those around them. Such heroes could wear themselves out in their attempts to help everyone or become distraught and blame themselves for the one time that they're unable to save the day. Spending so much time and effort saving everyone else can also put a strain on the hero's personal or dating life.”
Just because Max and Randall have these incredibly inspiring aspirations, is it fair that their wives and love interests are always expected to rise to the occasion and support them. Is it ok for their partners to continuously sacrifice their wants and needs because they love these men?
Let’s dive into it.
Truth be told, Beth Pearson, Helen Sharpe and Georgia Goodwin had to endure a GREAT DEAL to emotionally support the dreams and aspirations of these men while sacrificing so much of themselves in the process. In media we often see women sacrificing so much of their wants and needs out of love for these male leads and rarely do men do the same thing for their romantic partners and love interests. All three of these women clearly fall under the Act of True Love trope defined as
“The Act of True Love proves beyond doubt that you are ready to put your loved one's interests before your own, that you are truly loyal and devoted to them. Usually this involves a sacrifice on your part, at the very least a considerable effort and/or a great risk. The action must be motivated, not by morals or principle or expectation of future reward, but by sheer personal affection.When your beloved is in dire need of your help, or in great danger, and you do something, at great expense to yourself, for the sake of their safety, their welfare, or their happiness, thus proving beyond any doubt that you put their interest ahead of yours.”
Over the past few seasons we have seen all three of these women truly live up to this trope without any true consequences or accountability from the men they’re making all these sacrifices for. For example, in Beth and Randall’s marriage, how many times did Randall spring an idea on Beth without truly talking to her or considering her wants first? Everyone thinks these two are an ideal couple but she has endured A LOT for Randall.
Randall has spontaneously quit his job, moved his dying biological dad into their home, bought his biological dad’s old apartment building, fostered and adopted a child and also ran for city councilman outside of his district. In all of these decisions, Randall “consulted” Beth about it but at the same time didn’t really consult her. In a way there has always been this expectation of Beth to just go along for the ride with what Randall wants. Is anyone else exhausted from reading that list?! That’s a lot for partner to endure and lovingly support. But Beth has endured and has been Randall’s rock through it all!!! What worries me is that the one time Beth spoke out about her wants and needs of pursuing dance again, he couldn’t match the same energy she was giving him and eventually it led to world war three between them. Though things are looking up in their relationship and he’s starting to support her more, has Randall nearly given to Beth as much as she’s given to him? Absolutely not!
Similar to Randall, Max also had a wife who was a dancer. in fact, she was a prima ballerina. Unlike Randall and Beth, Max relationship with Georgia was rocky from the start. When we were first introduced to them Max and Georgia were separated and rightfully so. Georgia was never Max’s first priority. The hospital always came first in their relationship. He couldn’t even dedicate a full night to her for their proposal. In order to “save” their marriage they decide to have a baby and they both committed to taking a step back in their careers in order to do so. The problem was Max didn’t keep his side of their commitment and took a job to become the medical director at the biggest public hospital in the U.S. She gave up her career to start a family and he totally and completely betrayed her trust. So throughout season one we see them trying to rebuild their marriage but even in the midst of trying to rebuild a marriage based on trust and mutual respect Max still keeps things from Georgia. For several episodes he didn’t tell her that he had advance stages of throat cancer. He only told her when Georgia asked him to move back home. That’s fucked up! Then throughout their pregnancy he was never fully there for Georgia because he was either to preoccupied with the hospital or himself. At the end of it all, Georgia died tragically at the beginning of season two and really had nothing to show for it in her relationship with Max other than her daughter Luna.
Now let’s bring Helen Sharpe into the fold. While all of this stuff was going on with Max and his wife in season one, Max was developing a deep friendship, borderline emotional affair with Helen. Their relationship started out with Helen being his oncologist. As the new Medical Director of New Amsterdam, he swore Helen to secrecy about his diagnosis so that he could still run the hospital. Through that secrecy they eventually formed a deep bond but as his cancer got worse his secret was let out of the bag. He realistically needed someone to step up and run the hospital when he was going through chemo and though Helen already had commitments she stepped up and became his deputy medical director. Somewhere along the lines Max and Helen started developing feelings for each other. As Helen becomes aware of those feelings, she made a choice and decides to remove herself as Max’s doctor. He BITCHES about it but eventually accepts the boundary she’s clearly trying to set. Mind you, as this is unfolding, like Max, Helen is also in a new relationship with her boyfriend Panthaki. As Max’s cancer seems to be getting worse with his new doctor, she goes back on her boundary and decides to be his doctor again. This pisses her boyfriend off because he could already peep the vibe between them and he breaks up with her. When we get into season two, Max’s wife died and Helen set him up in a clinical trail (with a doctor she previously fired) that’s helping his cancer. Unbeknownst to Max, this doctor ends up holding his life saving treatment plan over Helen’s head and in order for his treatment to continue she gives this doctor half of her department!
Helen has sacrificed a lot for Max and now in season three she’s finally prioritizing her current wants and needs first! Like Randall, Max is starting to turn a page and is starting to support Helen and truly listen to the wants and needs that she has. All of this is good but my question is did any of these women have to sacrifice so much for the men in their lives to get a clue?
Why is it that this is a trope we see in media time and time and time again? Even if these men are good, why don’t we still keep these male characters accountable when they put their significant others in these situations that are clearly not fair? I’ve watched countless tv shows and I’ve seen a lot of tv couples but I think I have only come across one couple where the male counterpart has selflessly loved his significant other and has always put her needs above his own.
That character my friend is none other than PACEY WITTER
I might be mistaken but I think Joey and Pacey are the most popular ship in tv history and honestly, rightfully so! This is only example I can think of where the male in the relationship so willingly puts the wants and needs of his partner first. It is a completely selfless and sacrificial love. He never wants to hold her back and he never asks her to compromise her wants or needs for him. That’s why I think so many women love Pacey because in a sea of TV relationships, Pacey Witter is a fucking unicorn.
So to wrap this up does this mean that I hate Randall Pearson or Max Goodwin? No! I adore them. I love both of their characters so much. I just think that when we see the media continuously play out the sacrificial wife/love interest for the sake of their male counterparts, it should be called out. I’m all about sacrificial and selfless love but it should come from both sides.❤️❤️❤️
Anyway I hope y’all enjoy this! As always my DMs are opening here or on Twitter @oyindaodewale
#new amsterdam#sharpwin#This Is US#max goodwin#helen sharpe#randall pearson#beth pearson#georgia goodwin#pacey witter#joey x pacey#new amsterdam meta
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Welcome to the Nightmare Game II - CH66
**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**
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Chapter 66: The Queen’s Inheritance (V)
When Qi Leren was held in Ning Zhou's arms, he couldn't stop loving this person.
He thought that he could never give Ning Zhou up. If he couldn’t stand beside Ning Zhou, he would be terribly lonely and desperate.
"Power comes at a price," Ning Zhou whispered in his ear. "If I finally lose myself and become the devil I fear and hate most... If one day that happens, you must... kill me."
Qi Leren's chest seemed to be struck hard by a heavy hammer, making him breathless and pained. His bitter tears burst out at once. He put his forehead on Ning Zhou's shoulder and shook his head hard. At this moment, he knew clearly that he couldn't do it.
He was not the saint Maria. He couldn't kill his most important person in order to protect humanity. He was just an ordinary selfish person. He could only try his best to prevent Ning Zhou from falling, even if he has to sacrifice his own life to do it. But if one day the world and his lover were placed at opposite ends of the same scale, the scale would only sway and tilt towards his lover.
Qi Leren, who was driven to despair by this cruel fate, even thought, what did world peace have to do with him? Who would be grateful to a saint who had fallen into evil? If Ning Zhou really did this, would he have to kill Ning Zhou for the sake of "justice"?
"If there is such a day, I will accompany you." Qi Leren choked and said, "You must, you must not leave me."
Qi Leren knew what kind of person Ning Zhou was. He had long been aware of Ning Zhou's personality of self-sacrifice and dedication. After suffering from demonization, this personality had even tilted in the direction of self-destruction.
Ning Zhou could sacrifice himself for others, but he didn't want others to do this for him. He regarded giving as God's reward, and never considered getting a reward. He doesn't want to drag anyone down. If one day he really fell down, he would definitely let go of his hand before falling into hell, and let the person he loved stay in the world.
Because he firmly believed that this was better for Qi Leren, but for Qi Leren, he wanted to be with the person he loved more, and he didn't care whether he was human or a devil, and whether this was the world or hell.
Ning Zhou didn't answer. Just like when they had talked on the balcony that night, he didn't answer.
But this time, Qi Leren couldn't bear it anymore.
"I'm telling you seriously that I don't accept your self-righteous decision." Qi Leren broke free from Ning Zhou's hug and said to him with anger for the first time, "You think it’s good for me, but have you ever thought about how I feel?"
Ning Zhou was silent for a long time. After a long time, he sighed and said to Qi Leren, "Look at your feet."
Qi Leren turned his head and looked down at the altar. More than half of the temple of this cult ceremony had collapsed: the had dome collapsed, the columns had collapsed, and everything had collapsed slowly and inexorably. After the time for the Prophet's Heart ended, the white flowers all over the ground changed back to their original appearance—the broken arms and limbs and dripping blood were all over the place, which were bloodier and more horrible than the slaughtered Valentine tribe.
The blood foaming from the corpses’ mouths made the acid in his stomach churn. Under the tense environment just now, Qi Leren hadn't noticed this, but now when he carefully looked at this piece of hell on earth, he still couldn't bear to look closely and averted his eyes.
Ning Zhou was not surprised.
He hadn't been with Qi Leren for a long time. Most of the time, they had still been far away from each other. There were only the few days since he had really confessed his heart. But he knew what kind of person Qi Leren was. He is brave and strong. Most of the good qualities of human beings could be found in him, but this couldn’t hide that he was a naive young man who had grown up sheltered.
He must have had a warm family, parents who loved him, mentors and friends along the way, and he had lived happily for the first half of his life, so he learned how to love others generously.
Beloved children would become excellent people when they grew up. Their view of the world was gentle, and they had a childlike innocence towards cruelty. Their love for the world was selfish. They loved easily and hated easily. Once they were hit, it was too easy for them to turn good love into deep hate.
Qi Leren had seen the cruelty of the Nightmare World. He had not seen the real terror, and he had not defeated the evil in his heart, so he would not know what it was like to still love the world after suffering.
He felt that he couldn't kill Ning Zhou, and would rather go down with him, but he also hadn't seen a Ning Zhou who had lost himself in his original force, killed innocent people, and even destroyed the world. His determination was just naive self-motivation at this moment.
"You see this ceremony. Such things happen every day in the hell of the underworld, ones more cruel than this. Everything you can imagine, what you can't imagine... is happening. You will never like all this," Ning Zhou said.
He would only slowly collapse in disgust, or become evil himself.
Qi Leren choked. He forced himself to stare at the blood on the ground and a tentacle at his feet that had not been burned away. Every raised lesion on it was filled with disgusting mucus. As Ning Zhou said, he would never like it.
Just like he could strive to be strong in order to survive, and even learn to kill people, but he didn't like it.
The life he liked was the life he had once had, not the daily bloodshed in the Nightmare World. In the dead of night, he would also think of his parents. They only had one child. If he died here, he would never go back...
"Let’s go back. These things can be thought about slowly, and this half-field is about to collapse." Ning Zhou wiped off the blood on his hands and pulled Qi Leren down the damaged steps of the altar.
Qi Leren was silent, with his head down, and his boots stepped on the blood that splashed like a pool of water, making him hold his breath subconsciously. In this dim temple, everything was destroyed and ruined. When going out of the temple, Qi Leren suddenly remembered the mysterious sacrifice that had destroyed the ceremony before, and immediately went back to look for him.
"He left," Ning Zhou said, as if he knew what he was thinking.
"Left? Can you leave here?" Qi Leren asked in a low voice.
"I need to find out who this person is," Ning Zhou said. Taking Qi Leren forward, there were traces of a violent breakthrough at the edge of the half-field. The passerby had hit this half-field with his own half-field—this simple and crude method was very dangerous, because the half-field was very fragile before it was completely condensed. It was like two eggs colliding with each other. No one can be sure which one would be broken, or if the two would break together.
"That man just now... was very strange," Qi Leren said. "Did he intentionally mix into the cult sacrifice group to stop the ceremony and save them?"
Ning Zhou shook his head: "He was not here to save anyone."
That man had had no kindness or pity for the innocent people here. He was like a tiger who challenged the hunting tiger king in order to overthrow the position of the king of the jungle. It was not his original intention to save the goats who had escaped from danger. It was just a coincidence.
Qi Leren also felt the difference in that man, and he grinned: "He’s a strange person, but I saw his weapon... Is he the one who fought against Ashley before?"
"It's him," Ning Zhou said with certainty.
Qi Leren had a hunch that he would meet this person again.
The two men went out from the broken part of the half-field that was about to collapse, instantly returned to the sloped building, and then walked towards the Trials Court’s headquarters.
&&&
"The worshippers of Utopia are getting more and more rampant," Celia said with a frown after hearing Qi Leren’s retelling of this cult sacrifice.
"Utopia is the Devil of Power’s field? What method did she use to sway the worshippers?" Qi Leren asked curiously.
He knew that with the Slaughter Secret Society of the Devil of Slaughter, by joining the organization and gaining recognition, members would have the opportunity to be given a powerful seed of slaughter, and could even be transformed into a demon. This was very attractive to ordinary people, so there were countless players and aborigines who joined in wave upon wave. However, Qi Leren still had little knowledge of what Utopia was.
"It’s said that as long as the monster guarding the gate of Utopia is summoned and given a good meal, it will generously open the door and let worshippers enter Utopia, where there is no death, no worry, no fear, and people can live a happy eternal life from now on," Celia said.
Qi Leren turned his head silently and complained to Ning Zhou, who was silent on the side: "They must be out of their minds?"
"...Hmm," Ning Zhou said.
"How can they believe that they can get what they want through this wicked ceremony? If nothing else, is the Devil of Power a kind person? Is she doing this to do good deeds?" Towards these idiotic fanatical worshippers, Qi Leren couldn't help but feel like he had a higher IQ.
Celia looked at the ripples in the cup of black coffee she held, and sighed lightly: "If you’re just an ordinary person, have no talent, and aren’t very brave, you don't know if you’ll still be alive tomorrow. You watch your relatives and friends die one by one, but there’s nothing you can do. Where do you want to pin your soul so it can breathe? People always have to believe something in order to forget the pain and suffering in front of them."
Qi Leren opened his mouth, but swallowed his words back.
He wanted to ask why they didn't work hard, but he felt that the question was like "why don't you eat more meat." Would hard work definitely have results? Even Qi Leren himself wasn’t sure. But if you didn't work hard...
Qi Leren tensed his face slightly. He looked at Ning Zhou, who had taken on too much burden, and thought: If you don't work hard, you will only sink forever into your destiny.
One day he would untie Ning Zhou and make him happy. Happy and free.
He believed that someday, this day would come.
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Can we ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ get a nsfw alphabet for Simeon
Hope you like :3 I tried my best for our angel of angels.
Smut Alphabet - Simeon
I’m a bit nervous about this, but it’s been a LOT of fun :3
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
- Angels orgasms last a long time. Longer than humans or demons. It’s a trade off in that it can be quite difficult for angels to reach their climax, so when they do, they are rewarded. So after the times Simeon cums, he revels in the bliss with you, holding you close, making sure you’re a part of it, using all his senses through the orgasm. Taking in your scent; tasting the wetness of your lips; hearing your sweet words; feeling your skin against skin as his body moves with the motions of his peak. It’s often a very intense moment and can sometimes overwhelm Simeon, and at times like that he’ll just enjoy lying next to you, holding your hand as you both quietly talk about something inane, or listen to each other breathing, placing a soft kiss on your hand, until one or both falls asleep. You’re happy to let him sleep afterwards as he deserves and needs it.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
- Simeon likes his hips, thighs and waist. He enjoys showing them off with his clothing, with jewels or accessories. If you pay particular attention to any of them, it makes him quiver. Even something as small as setting a hand on his waist while out walking, the small curl of a finger tracing the jut of hip bone, exposed, can make the the angel submit. Or command. He moulds to you.
His favourite part about you is probably your hands. He loves how expressive humans can be with them. With the type of angel Simeon is, their wings often express their emotions, so that’s a part of why he rarely has them on show. But the way that humans can rarely hide their hands is something Simeon loves. He lavishes attention on them. Kisses, touches, making sure he’s holding them during sex, oral - they’re grounding to him.
Also - your ass. Simeon’s a biter. And there’s no-where better for him to sink his teeth into than your ass.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
- Simeon at first was self conscious about finishing inside you, because of how long his orgasms can last. He didn’t want you to be stuck with him inside while he’s writhing in pleasure. But you quickly soothed his doubts, reassuring him that you love being with him, no matter what. Because of the difference in your orgasms, you both adapted. Learning each others pace, how to prolong your orgasms, or how to join in and give back, during his.
He doesn’t spill cum for the whole time of his orgasm, but angels do give more than humans or demons. Giving Simeon oral for the first time was an experience. Simeon grew to absolutely love finishing inside your mouth though and extending to on your face, smothering you, watching it drip down your beautiful skin as he basks in his orgasm.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
- He writes TSL dark fic under a pseud and fantasises about the brothers in the roles.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
- Simeon’s old. He’s had experience with several angels, with humans - but demons? Not yet. He wants to, but he knows he’d most likely be stripped of his rank and role in the Celestial Realm for it. Friendship is fine. But when they know what your feathers feel like against their skin?
As for does he know what he’s doing? Oh, yes. I don’t view the angels in the Celestial Realm as a whole as pure. Far from it. Sure, there are many who are celibate by choice, or others who are asexual with varying levels of sexual interest/desire/repulsion. But as a whole, the angels like humans and demons are a hugely diverse bunch - probably changing a bit depending on the hierarchy. There’s many who the angels or god would consider ‘good’ and ‘pure’ and ‘light’ - but fall under fanaticism, obsession, with views of cleansing and order etc.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
- Simeon likes any position that prioritises your pleasure. He wants to make you orgasm as many times as you can or want to before he does - or if he can, in that session.
Personal favourites of his though are doing you from behind so he can grab onto your ass, and go and go and go; and you riding him, close against his body, while he’s sitting, and his wings out, so you can see his wings shift and change with his emotions. It’s a very vulnerable position and moment to him.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
- Simeon is a bit more of a serious boy, and that comes through a lot in your sex together. But he does learn to loosen up a little more with you the longer you’re together, and it shows more through his wings when you start to notice they’re out more and more when you’re together.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
- Simeon is completely smooth. Although if angels do have pubic hair, it matches the colour of their wings instead of their hair colour.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
- At first, being one of the only two angels in hell, he felt the intense need to protect you. And that came through during your sex. He often took the lead or control - but gently - prioritising you over himself, and it was intense, his feelings that he couldn’t quite vocalise, imprinting all over your body instead. He was stronger than you realised too, with arms able to hold you so tightly you did feel protected; hands so firm, but gentle, they led you to the Celestial Realm without taking a foot outside your bed.
Then as your trust grew and feelings began to unravel, things changed. Simeon became more vulnerable, he started to sink into your arms instead, bright, beautiful eyes seeking your guidance, as he let slip his mantle of guardian and basked in your love.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
- He doesn’t do it so often, as the orgasm angels experience with someone else are infinitely better than by themselves.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
- Being tied up/shibari - both him and you, but especially you. Simeon much prefers being the dominant sexual partner. He loves seeing your arms and especially hands bound above or next to your face, seeing the struggle against the rope as it digs into the skin. And on the flip, he loves having his wings bound in the same way by you, to feel like his emotions are under your control, and nothing can happen without your say. He especially loves to kiss at the marks and bruises left by the ropes on your hands and wrists afterwards, tending to them like you’re the most precious thing in all the realms - because well, you are. Aftercare after BDSM for Simeon is something that is so important and gentle and lasting. And he often does it from his knees if you’re not on the bed.
-Biting/marking. He loves to bite parts of your body. Especially thick, fleshy parts such as your thighs and ass. Drawing blood isn’t necessary, but when he’s particularly horny, heavens yes.
-Praise. Tell Simeon how good he is. How great his tongue feels against you; how good he’s taking that cock deep in his ass; how beautiful his waist his beneath your hands; how soft his feathers feel; how much you enjoy hearing him moan, moan, moan. And please do it when his wings are out for the full experience.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
- Simeon isn’t fussy with the surface or location as long as you have guaranteed privacy. Although he does love your bed as it is intimately yours. Doing you from behind on a table is a favourite of his too.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
- Simeon loves your laugh. He loves to listen to you talk about things you love, your passions and dreams. He’s an observer. Watching you from afar, at times he can’t have you, really does it from him. Seeing you talk to someone as you lean on a desk, the edge of your shirt exposing a lick of skin; your hands restless, and playing with your hair; your legs crossed, and your thick thighs tight against your trousers.
-Simple things like touch. Cuddling, running hands through hair, a kiss here, there. And when you become a lot closer, the wings. Oh god, the wings. Touching there helps speed up Simeon getting to his climax sometimes.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
- Threesome. Simeon is quite protective of you and it spills into a little bit of possessiveness. He can’t really see himself sharing comfortably.
- He isn’t into being blindfolded, mostly because Simeon is a very visually stimulated person.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
- Simeon much prefers to give, since compared to him, you can have several orgasms. He also loves to feel you against his tongue, and the way your human body loses control and moves. He has always preferred to give even with other angels too, so he’s very good at it. It takes a while to admit, but Simeon loves the taste of cum too.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
- Simeon loves both. Slow is often his preference as it works with the build up to his orgasm, but it can be rough or sensual depending on the mood. If you like fast, he will do fast. Simeon just loves to please you - but to be in charge of that pleasing.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
- Quickies have never really been a thing for Simeon. But he is more than happy to give them. The fact he doesn’t finish doesn’t bother him at all. Having control of a quickie session, being completely in control as he fucks the hell out of you in the kitchen while you’re in the middle of making dinner, hand over mouth to silence you while someone walks by, actually made him come really quickly once. It was a little bit of a problem trying to hide it when company joined them afterwards.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
- You’re the one to suggest more riskier things at first. Simeon is nervous about exposing himself and therefore his feelings to too much at first, but as things start to open up, he also starts to open up to more.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
- As established before, angels last for a long time before they finish. And can pretty much keep going for as long as you need or want. Their stamina is on par with a demon’s too. It can be frustrating for the angels sometimes that they don’t come as easy as their partners - sometimes worrying that their partner might worry they feel they’re not satisfying them, or not good enough. But for Simeon, nothing has been further from the truth.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
- Simeon owns a lot of stimulating toys to help sometimes bring on his orgasms quicker! And for you too, to give you more, and more, while he enjoys his own lingering climax. For feeling you orgasm against him while he’s still climaxing is to Simeon, one of the best feelings. You also start introducing some toys to hold you back so you last longer with him, and he’s so touched, he wraps you in his wings and kisses you until you both can’t breathe.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
- He loves to tease a lot when you’re in bondage. He plucks a feather from a wing and traces it along where the shibari ropes are bound against your skin, circling it around your wrists, between your fingers, then around your nipples, before his lips suck tightly.
-He likes to play with your hands. To suck your fingers and kiss along the edges, especially at times when he knows there can be no follow up. He just sometimes loves to watch the way you react to him.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
- Simeon likes to be loud - but he knows when to be quiet. He loves making noises that you enjoy and that bring a rise out of you.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
- When Simeon learns more about how to use technology, he absolutely loves to film you both when you fuck.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
-Angel cocks are closer to human cocks than demons. Although sometimes like the type of angel Simeon is - like on their body - they will have silver, bronze or golden scales on the shaft, more concentrated on the base. Not all of them are straight up and down, either, and often they can mould to fit their partner if they want.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
- His sex drive varies. It’s tied a lot to his mood and when he’s with someone, it’s a lot higher.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
- If Simeon has climaxed, he’s very quick to fall asleep after - spent and exhausted. And it’s one of the moments where he loves to be vulnerable and curled up in your arms, sometimes his wings out, wrapped around you, timid and tender, quivering as he breathes in, and out.
-If only you have, he watches and waits for you to fall asleep, holding you, stroking you softly, encouraging you to lay with your head in his lap, enjoying the soft pressure of your head against his stomach as he surrounds you both with his wings.
#obey me#obey me masters#obey me shall we date#obey me simeon#simeon/mc#simeon#smut alphabet#desdi writes#obey me!#ask desdi#requests#night-poster
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You know, i’d always looked at the narrative not really portraying as the yaz x 13 relationship as necessarily requited as them displaying 13′s issues, she wants her friends there and needs them there for her mental health and peace of mind but she also Doesn’t want to be too attached, either. Doesn’t want them too close, doesn’t want a reminder of all those times 12 got deeply hurt by his attachments to humans, doesn’t want to think of these three dead like Grace. Cannot deal with the possibility of loving any of them and losing them.
But i’d never before considered that 13′s lack of response to Yaz might be a side effect of Yaz’s behaviour? Like, i mean, we learn in Can You Hear Me? That Yaz has one of those tragic back stories. We learn that that bullying she spoke of that motivates her to help others was a Very abridged version of the whole story. We see a not necessarily explicit memory of Yaz wanting to die, but a Heavily implied one. We already knew Yaz chose to channel the effect of her victimization into helping others in the same situation/stop it happening to them full stop. The memory shows us that Yaz chose to approach this goal by emulating this lady police officer who stopped to help her.
This tells us a lot of important things. It shows us Why they decided to make Yaz a police officer when they genuinely have not used this as a plot point. At all. To the point it was a bit weird. It shows us that her emulation of 13 isn’t a isolated incident, Yaz who secretly has very low self esteem will mimic and copy those she admires or believes are doing good in the world will model herself Around those people. This one memory kind of contextualizes her whole character but narratively, the way they chose to illustrate it actively prevents anybody but the audience from knowing about Yaz’s hidden depths and troubled past. Her walls remain up.
In as such... I don’t really think anybody but Sonya knows the genuine Yasmin Khan. Maybe her parents, but it’s also shown in the memory that they didn’t understand what was going on. Her sister is the keeper of Yaz’s history, she is the only one who knows her truly and deeply, imo, we don’t know if Yaz was honest with her sister or was just unable to keep this all from her, either way, Sonya knows her sister fully and loves her deeply.
So... Yaz loves 13. Under the assumption that Yaz would want that to be reciprocated (which, okay, may not be true... But u want people you love to lover you back even when you Know it’ll be a disaster in the end, you just do)... Is Yaz herself the thing that is preventing the reciprocation of this love?
13 doesn’t know her! Not really, Sonya’s the only one who does that. If 13 is only getting the cliff notes of Yasmin Khan, Would she love her? Yaz is not letting herself be seen, because she doesn’t really realize what is there to be seen underneath it all is a woman who is inherently worthy in general and of love. In keeping herself from 13, is Yaz orchestrating her own failure in deliberately maintaining a distance?
I’d until now kind of assumed this lack of reciprocation was a 13 thing... And yeah, she Does have a lot of issues here that i am sure are playing a big part in her reticence. But I'm starting to think Yaz is orchestrating her own failure here as well... How would 13 love her if she doesn’t Know her?
I’ve always thought that the Yaz mental health/self esteem plot And the thasmin plot could coexist peacefully... Yaz places the doctor on a pedestal, yes, and is trying to emulate her from a lack of self worth, but... Sometimes we just need somebody to love us who doesn’t ‘have’ to. Sonya’s her sister, she loves her, but sometimes it’s easy to say that doesn’t count because duh, she’s my sister, she’s Supposed to love me despite the fights and competition.
I feel like 13 actually genuinely knowing the Real, hidden Yaz that she never tells anybody about and then loving her deeply anyway might actually show Yaz that she, herself Is worth it. 13, a person Yaz loves and admires still even after she takes her off the pedestal, who didn’t have any strong reactions of feelings towards her when she was putting up a front actually genuinely loving her deeply and insistently back once she Drops the façade may actually just clue Yaz in that yes, she is loved and worthy and good enough by doing nothing but being herself.
I still think Yaz should end up some kind of mental health worker, she ended up police because she was ‘saved’ by a police woman who was called to a mental health emergency and then Yaz then evidently linked That to how to help other people hurt like her. But Yaz in her very first Scene is unsatisfied with the job... We learn much later it’s because she wants to be helping people like herself. The problem here, of course, is that police are called in for mental health emergencies and not, you know, trained medical professionals.
Yaz is unsatisfied in her job because she’s in the wrong job, because the person who came to check on her should never have been police. So in emulating her she’s ended up screwing herself over in this situation as well, as much as her hiding herself away from 13 has backfired, her choosing to emulate this lady instead of working it out her own way Also left her frustrated and bored, feeling useless.
Yaz needs to find her Own way, not use other peoples ways.
So i guess my ideal endgame is 13 loving her back, but loving the Yaz that Yaz tries to hide. And then Yaz leaving off her own back to quit her job, not because her urge to help people like herself has changed, but because she realises doing it Yaz’s way is a better way to achieve it instead of copying somebody else, and then seeking employment in the mental health field for teenagers. You know, the type of people who should have helped 16 year old her to start with.
This era repeatedly screws over characters who don’t submit to being Known, and rewards those who do submit to the risk and terror of truly showing themselves to other people, and while we consistently call 13 out for being Very private and not consenting to share any of herself with others, Yaz is equally as guilty and it keeps screwing her over.
#dw shit#yaz and 13 are so facinating i concent to ship them even if i dislike#shipping the doctor with companions l o l#cannot Believe ppl say yaz is boring or has no depth#she is genuinely the most nuanced companion there has ever Been imo
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hi! I hope I'm not late for the alphabet... Can I ask for SFW A, B, C, H, J, M, N, R, X and Z for Joker? I know it's a lot so no need to hurry or you can break it into few, shorter ones. Thank you and wish you a lot of inspiration and motivation!
Hello my love!! Thank you for reaching out!! You most definitely are not too late 🥰
So, I did end up breaking this request down a little bit. I’ll post H, R, and X a little later - but here are the rest!
Nestled under a read-more so I don’t inundate folks with the ~~long~~ ☺️
Joker/52
SFW Alphabet Letters: A - B - C - J - M - N - Z
A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
At first Joker is stingy with his affection - he’s more afraid of being hurt than he is of hurting someone else. Withholding affection is self protection for him.
With time he realizes how good affection feels, from holding hands to resting against one-anothers’ bodies.
With a little more time he realizes the good-affection-feelings aren’t anything to hide from. They aren’t a punishment, or even a reward. They just are.... because he is loved.
It takes such a painfully long time for him to realize this, but once he does he absolutely cannot get enough physical affection.
Touch his hand, arm, shoulder.... omg his back??
There’s a whole side of him he’s never even entertained... open that up for him.
He will be FOREVER grateful.
All he wants in life is to be touched and loved. He’s never known anything beyond hatred and bitterness... you don’t even have to, uh, give him a happy ending. Hold him, caress him, show him physical affection and his mind is utterly blown.
B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)
If you ever, in your life, want ANYONE on your side.... it’s Joker.
Fair, he’s pretty militant in his beliefs and direction. But... we see how hard he fights for his own truth. Imagine he’s fighting for something - someBODY - tangible. An entity with feelings, desires, pain....
As hard as Joker wants to be, really he’s soft and gooey and wants nothing more than companions to share his life with.
More than likely you’d bond either over music or your general disdain for society as a whole... maybe a little of both.
He’s made a friend here and there, mostly acquaintances, aside from Viktor who is probably his best friend until he meets you... and then you seem to fill a role all your own.
He treats everyone whose managed to wriggle into his heart the same way - with undying devotion and protection that borders on stalking. 🙃
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
Joker is resistant at first. He doesn’t even necessarily know if he *likes* being touched...
Until you stroke your hand up and down his back for the first time.
And then you lay your head in his lap and wrap your arms around him.
The warmth down to his bones is foreign.... but once he realizes he likes it, he cannot get enough of it.
Eventually he’s nudging his head into your lap for hair-strokes, wrapping his arms around your waist hoping you’ll hug his shoulders and neck back, craving your fingers against his scalp.
If he feels comfortable, if you’ll let him, he’ll dissolve into the neediest little black puddle you’ve never been able to deny.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)
Honestly... I think Joker is surprised by the jealousy he feels over you.
Initially, I think, he can’t even fathom jealousy. He’s very, very much about personal agency and the thought of “possessing” one’s partner seemed foreign to him....
Until he saw someone flirting with you... and you didn’t immediately brush them aside. Instead, you seemed pleased by their attention.... what the fuck?
Joker is as confused as he is irate. You’re only supposed to want him, right??? Especially considering some of the things you’ve done together....
He follows you with hawk-eyes, swooping in to question you the absolute FIRST moment you are alone.
“You wanted them, didn’t you?” He asks, unable to look you in the eye. He takes your scoff as an affront. “Is this funny?”
You try hard to hide your triumphant grin, a little ashamed of how tickled you are by his jealousy.
“I don’t know how you expect me to see anyone else with you in the way?” You say, grinning unapologetically at his sour face. He looks so bashful your heart sinks in your chest. “You do know you’re the only one I ever see… right?”
He scoffs and toes at the dirt, looking pathetically like a scolded boy, hoping you’ll dive against his chest the way you end up doing, squeezing his bony ribcage into your soft arms. He sighs against you, nuzzling his face into your neck. As you smile against his skin you mutter, “YOU are the only one I want, stupid. Who could ever possibly replace you?”
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
Joker’s passed the fuck out, spread-eagle on the couch, you nestled between his thighs, cheek on his tummy, likely also passed the fuck out. Joker is not a morning person. He doesn’t even think about cracking his eye open until he can feel the afternoon settling into evening unless he absolute h a s to.
If you wake before him - which is typical - he’s unbothered by your activity and is sometimes even spurred begrudgingly awake by it. He doesn’t really mind - if he really needed the rest drum practice wouldn’t wake him - and he can usually coerce you into doing something fun. If you really need help with your responsibilities he’ll probably try, but he struggles with attention when it isn’t something that easily holds his interest.
He doesn’t usually eat much, but if you put some food in front of him he’ll be endlessly appreciative and probably even start gaining a little weight.
Most of the time he just appreciates waking up to you in his arms (or between his legs, or slung over his back, or otherwise wrapped around, under, or on top of him), gently rousing with some wake-up snuggles and, uh, stuff. 😏
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
Most nights are spent snuggling, wrapped around each other, enjoying some yummy food, and usually watching or listening to something.
Joker’s very sensitive to his environment, especially when he’s preparing to sleep. After a short adjustment period he gets comfortable enough to really enjoy spending the night at your place, but he’s become so accustomed to Viktor’s endless activity in the only space he’s ever felt the safety of “home,” that having too much quiet is unnerving for him. Having a movie or show on, playing music, even a loud fan or air conditioner help soothe his unease. If there’s no better option he likes to fall asleep on your chest, lulled by your swooshing, thumping heartbeat.
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)
Joker has never really, in his life, known a nighttime routine that he’s ever liked or remotely worked for him. He just kind of… nods off wherever feels safe and reasonably comfortable.
He spends a lot of time napping on the couch at his place in the Nether with Viktor. He has his own room, and the bed is fine, but honestly… he low key doesn’t like to be alone.
Don’t be mistaken, he almost always prefers to be by himself, most especially when he’s in a vulnerable position like sleep - but that was before he realized there were people in the world he could feel comfortable with and enjoy being around after all.
He doesn’t like loud, sudden noises, but the shuffling, padding, clacking sounds he’s become used to in his environment are slowly becoming the happy-place he goes to when he zens out, lulling him into peaceful sleep every time.
Once you come into his life, he spends more time sleeping wherever you are. It’s weird for him at first… he spends a lot of time on your couch in the dark, even when you aren’t home, so he can get used to the sounds of your environment. He probably even spends some sleep-overs on the couch, until he tackles the task of getting used to your bedroom. He absolutely isn’t averse to the presence of a sleep/white-noise machine.He may or may not bring a big-ass fan from home to setup in your bedroom - just cause it needs more air flow, ya know. 👀
Once he’s used to sleeping with you there, outside of extraneous circumstances he has a VERY hard time sleeping without you - especially if you snore, move around a lot, or make a lot of noises in your sleep. Beyond the obvious loss of your warmth and weight, he’s left without his snuggly little sleep-machine. Having something that smells like you nearby helps. If you’re ever away or unavailable you should just assume he’s sleeping in your bed every chance he gets.
He might even pop in occasionally just to nuzzle your pillows/clothes while you’re gone, holding onto it for later knowing he won’t be able to come back to sleep. Don’t be surprised to find some strange things missing when you return.
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Hold My Hand
It was the quiet evening hours in the Mostro Lounge, much calmer now than it had been a few hours prior. Even back home, You knew that restaurants tended to get busy at certain times in the day when everyone and their mother decided to get something to eat. But rush hours in the Mostro Lounge were a whole different monster entirely. Unfortunately for You, You happened to witness this orchestra of madness. No wonder the Mostro Lounge was in constant need of more staff. Perhaps You should ask Azul for a job there. After all, the “allowance” the self-proclaimed kind Crowley gave You was hardly enough to keep you fed, especially given your little hellcat’s insistence that you buy him tuna cans.
Sighing, You gazed at the aquarium that decorated the Mostro Lounge, which you were happily sitting right next too. It reminded You of when you were a child and your parents would take you to the local aquarium. It never ceased to amaze You, and that same child-like wonder didn’t fail You now. There was also the bonus of seeing sea-creatures you were pretty sure didn’t exist in your world. Oh, that fish had three eyes! That’s so cool!
“I see you’ve taken an interest in the aquarium.”
You were broken out of your giddiness by none other than the dorm leader himself, Azul. You smiled warmly.
“Oh, hello Azul.”
He chuckled, “Hello, (Y/N). Fancy seeing you here again so soon.”
You squirmed, “Well...you did say I was welcome here anytime, right?”
Azul blinked, “...I did, didn’t I?” He smirked, “And I suppose it had nothing to do with the free meal I offered, did it?”
You groaned, “Busted. My hellcat keeps eating his way through my funds.”
He sighed, “And here I thought you wanted to visit me and the twins again. Oh well-”
You waved your hands frantically, “No, no! I didn’t mean it like that! Of course, I wanted to see you guys again. And I already said hi to the twins! Well, I said hi to Jade. Floyd just squeezed me to death and I’m pretty sure I have a bruised rib now-”
Azul lifted a hand to his mouth to cover his chuckle. He didn’t know it was possible to say so much in a single breath.
“I’m only teasing you, (Y/N),” He clarified.
You paused, letting your embarrassment sink in. Crap, now you looked like a babbling idiot. “...Oh, right. I knew that haha…”
Azul motioned to the seat across from you, “Do you mind if I join you?”
Double crap. “No, not at all.”
So, he sat down and just….said nothing. You hoped he wasn’t waiting on you to speak first, because you were pretty sure you’d just end up saying something stupid.
Hey, the Mostro Lounge looks much nicer since the last time I saw it. You know, because you destroyed everything in your Overblot.
Yeah, no. Not saying that. Well, it was time to do what you did best! Frantically avoid eye-contact and pretend to be preoccupied with something else. Back to staring at the aquarium it was. Oh hey, that fish kinda looked like one of those sideshow attractions where the monkey was shown onto a fish body. Isn’t that weird? Ha, ha, ha, oh dear this was awkward.
Azul watched as you grew increasingly flustered. For the life of him, he couldn’t seem to figure you out. You were a strange enigma, lost in a world not your own. You had no magic, yet the way others flocked to you for scraps of your affection made it seem as if you did. What was worse was that you never asked for anything in return for your troubles, not anything of true consequence anyway.
After his Overblot, when you visited him in the infirmary, he offered you any reward you wanted for helping him through his despair, free of charge. However, you merely shook your head as if he had said something funny and replied, “Just get better fast and we’ll call it even, ‘kay?”
You were so befuddling that it was nigh infuriating but in the most delightful way.
“You really do enjoy the aquarium, don’t you?” He said, saving you from your internal conflict.
You blinked, then smiled, “Yeah! It’s really cool getting to see all of the sea creatures. I didn’t live anywhere near the ocean when I was a kid, so aquariums were my only way to see them.”
Azul frowned, “You didn’t have pictures in your world?”
You laughed stiffly, “Ah, no, we did. But knowing something exists and seeing a photo of it is very different than actually experiencing it in real life, you know?”
Well...Azul supposed he could relate to that. As a young octopus, he hadn’t expected to see things above ground like falling snow or endless deserts or genuine kindness. He read about them and knew what they were like in theory, but never truly experienced them. Not until NRC. Not until you.
“I suppose that makes sense. Going to the Coral Sea must have been an experience for you then.”
He marveled at the way your eyes lit up.
“Oh, you have no idea! I mean, I was breathing! Underwater! How cool is that?”
Of course, it would have been nice if your friends hadn’t been suffering under Azul’s contract. It also would have been nice if the Leech twins hadn’t been chasing you, which was scary as hell. But hey, at least your last visit to the museum to return Azul’s class photo had been calm. Azul had been a great tour guide, keeping you hooked on every word he said. Guess that was thanks to his suave businessman/mafia boss persona.
Meanwhile, Azul was amused by your reaction. To be so fascinated by such a simple potion with a child-like wonder. If he had known how truly foreign everything about this world was to you before his Overblot, he might have tried to coax you into signing a contract. However, he was trying to do better now, with fairer contracts. Yet another change you elicited.
Azul allowed you to ramble on without interruption, enjoying your refreshing view on his world. Suddenly, you cut yourself off with a blush.
“Ah, I started rambling again, didn’t I?” You laughed nervously, scratching the back of your neck. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you.”
“On the contrary, I enjoyed hearing you speak.”
You coughed at that. Okay, yeah...that was something. Oh geez, you were blushing now, weren’t you? Get it together, (Y/N)!
“I’m pleased to see the Lounge is doing well,” You said.
“Really?” Azul frowned.
“I mean, yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”
“As I recall it, you once referred to my business as a “shady underground slave arena”.”
Shoot! He remembered that? In your defense, he did force your friends to work against their will, took your home as collateral, and was being a general pain in your ass.
“...Well, things are different now, right? We’re friends now.”
Azul blinked, blue eyes wide. “Really? We’re friends?”
You paused, “Yeah, I mean, I thought we were. Aren’t we?”
Azul considered this for a moment. Then he smiled, “Yes, we are friends.”
You beamed at that, and Azul swore he felt his heart melt at the brightness of your smile. Did you have this effect on everyone, or just him?
“Though, are you sure you wish to be friends with me?” Azul’s glasses glinted as he leaned forward, hands folded over the table. “I am a shady businessman after all. Hardly friendship material.”
You scoffed at that.
“Excuse you, mister, I will not have someone talk about my friend that way,” You reached across the table to grab his hand, much to his surprise. Your eyes were nothing but sincere as you said, “I told you before that I liked you for who you are. You may not see your positive traits, but I do and I admire you for them. What’s more, you are trying to do better. You’re putting in a real effort here, and that isn’t something to be belittled. Change is tough, and it isn’t something others can do for you. But, if you’d like,” you squeezed his hand, “I can be there to hold your hand every step of the way.”
Azul stared at you, stunned speechless for once. How was it that you continued to surprise him like this? Perhaps you weren’t as magicless as everyone thought. There was certainly something special about you, about the way you tamed wild hearts. It was no wonder his fellow dorm leaders were willing to do so much for you. It would always be worth it for a scrap of your attention. All because you had the unique magic of being able to listen to others, understand their problems, and support them in any way you could. You may not be able to solve everyone’s problems for them, but you made sure that they wouldn’t be alone.
He wondered how you would react if you knew that he desired more than just your friendship.
Meanwhile, you slowly came to the realization that Azul had probably been teasing you, and you responded by giving him a motivational speech. Oh, geez.
Your face flushed bright red as you stammered, “Ah...that is...what I mean is...uhh…”
You tried to pull your hands back, but Azul grabbed them instead. His eyes never looking away from yours, Azul lifted your hand to his lips. If possible, you blushed even harder.
“I would love nothing more,” He said, and there was something simmering in his eyes that left you speechless. “Please, continue to hold my hand.”
When he looked at you like that, what else could you do but smile and say, “Of course.”
#twisted wonderland#twst#azul ashengrotto#reader#azul ashengrotto x reader#bear with me I've never written anything like this before#Me? love azul?#whatever gave you that idea?#g/n reader
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