mildly related hut even with eds. i even think anout hanging out with him and being normal siblings makes me so emotional

HIIIIIIIIII!!!! I hope your okay and safe

But I was hoping to request a Aone x reader where the reader is Futakuchi twin sister and she has the mega crush on Aone. And the way they find out that she likes Aone is when they walk in on her singing “Bestfriend Brother by The victorious cast “

(I’ve been binging Victorious like a 10 year old again and it’s been on repeat hope you have a great day<3)

I hope youre doing well! Thanks for being patient with me writing.

I never really got into Victorious because it was like at the end of my childhood, I only ever watched a few episodes 😂 but I remember really liking the mean girl. I thought she was so cool.

Anyway I hope you like this! I didn’t know how to end it so I just... ended it.

Aone Takanobu x Fem!Reader who is Futa’s twin

Your palms were sweating as you walked to the volleyball gym, butterflies in your stomach and a smile on your face, you’ve been the manager for a year now but every day it’s the same since you developed a major crush on a certain tall white haired boy. “You’re late little sis!” Futakuchi says, ruining your good mood. You sigh and send him a death glare before smiling sweetly “I can’t believe i’m so blessed to have you as a Twin, Kenji” you say, your voice dripping with sarcasm, before turning to the rest of the team “sorry i’m late!” you bow “no worries y/n” a few boys say with a chuckle.

As you settle on the bench with your notebook you finally let yourself look at the real reason you wanted to become a manager, Aone Takanobu, part of the infamous wall, quiet, shy, so cute and sweet. You blush when he looks over at you, catching you staring. He thought it was pretty adorable the way you blushed when he looked at you, and the way you looked down to your notebook in your lap, scribbling away. You were really scribbling down any words you could think of so you looked busy, just until your cheeks cooled off at least.

You should be more confident around him, he comes over often to hang out with your brother and his friends, you can have small conversations with him and feel comfortable around him at home but for some reason when he catches you looking at him while he plays volleyball you can’t help but blush, like you were caught ogling him or something.

When you felt relaxed again you pulled out your phone to text your best friends group chat, it consisted of Karasuno’s Yachi and Kiyoko, as well as Yukie and Kaori from Fukurodani.

“Ughghsadkj he looks so good date tech wall is RIGHT” you send with several drooling emojis

“Maybe you should talk to him instead of just blushing and looking away” Kiyoko sends back and you pout “no fair you know i’m working on it”

“She is working on it, give her time, we all know she’s a late bloomer” Kaori says and you feel grateful until she quickly adds “plus im trying to convince her to serenade him with her ukulele LMAO”

“I’m leaving this chat” you send and then shove your phone back into your pocket, ignoring the next couple buzzes.

You weren't mad, you thought they were funny, but you also thought they were right. You needed to step up and open up communication so you can talk to him normally and if that goes well maybe you can ask him out. You can’t keep pinning here forever! Time for action! You’d call them later and explain everything. You turn your attention back to the practice, actually doing your job now so the coach doesn’t yell at you.

As your usual Friday night, you walk home with the team to eat dinner, where you usually go to your room and study after, the team heading to the living room to study themselves or play video games.

After you are done studying you open a video chat room on your computer on your desk, calling Kiyoko who is hanging out with Yachi and who adds in Kaori and Yukie, you video chat every night for a little while it’s basically tradition, feels weird to not call them every night after seven.

“How’s Karasuno doing? How’s that quick attack?” Yukie asks Kiyoko, they’ve been talking for a few minutes while you stand on top of your bed, ukulele in your hands as you pluck through a familiar song, lost in your thoughts, your music playing in the background.

“Really y/n? You have Victorious on your music playlist?” You pop out of your thoughts and toss your ukulele on your pillows as you use your phone to turn up the music and start singing along to the second verse, dancing on your bed while facing the camera, their laughter coming through the speakers “I kinda think that I might be his type, 'Cause when you're not around, he's not acting too shy, Sometimes I feel like he might make a move, Is this all in my head? I don't know what to do” you’re doing made up dance moves on the spot, making the crazy notion around your head, doing little kicks as you bounce on your bed, pointing at the camera, a smile on your lips as you really get into the music “I know it's strange I don't know what he's thinking. But it is wrong if I see him this weekend? I really hope I can get him alone I just don't, don't want her to know Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah My best friend's brother is the one for me”

you hear Kaori through the computer speakers saying “this is the song you should sing to Aone when you confess” they have knowing smiles on their lips but you don’t realize. You don’t realize that they can see the boys standing in your doorway behind you.

You stop and smile, panting from your dancing “that wouldn’t make sense though, he’s not my best friends brother he’s my brother’s best friend” you start to sing again “'Cause I just can't get him out of my mind, and Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah” but before you can sing anymore you hear “pffffffttttt” from your doorway and you panic, your foot landing on the back edge of your bed and slipping, effectively throwing yourself from your bed and to the ground.

It feels like you’re frozen in this moment of panic, looking up at your brother and his team, Aone standing right next to him, as your brother laughs hysterically, holding his stomach doubled over “this is amazing. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to me!” Futakuchi is struggling to catch his breath and the rest of the team is chuckling and starting to move away from the door leaving just Aone and Futa.

You scramble from your spot on your back on the floor and pop up to your feet, running your fingers through your hair “uhh how long were you…?” “THE WHOLE TIME” Futa says with peals of laughter. Aone frowns, his ears and cheeks pink and he shoves Futa down the hallway to the stairs before coming back to you, gesturing to your room, asking permission to come in.

“Oh! Yeah of course. Come on in” you say with a nervous laugh, it feels like your stomach has twisted, acid in the back of your throat as you step back into your room. Aone comes into your room and closes it in the face of your twin, who groans outside of the door but doesn’t cause any more problems, surprisingly. You look back at your computer in time to see the girls wave before they disconnect the call.

“So uh.. yeah.. I don’t know what to say to make this any better and less embarrassing” you avoid looking at him, focusing your vision on the edge of your shirt, a thread from the hem you were wrapping around the end of your first finger.

“You… like me?” He asks and you feel your face get warmer, a small smile uncontrollably on the edge of your mouth. You clear your throat and decide that if you were to confess you’d do it confidently. You look up into his eyes and gasp, your heart skipping at the sight of the big guy smiling sweetly at you, his cheeks flushed and his ears red, he looked shy and sweet and oh my god he made your heart skip along like it was made to beat for him “yes” you say and then more confidently add “I like you very much”

You didn’t think he could look cuter but you were wrong, the light that came to his eyes once you admitted it, the way he reached out towards you, had you without hesitation crossing the room and closing the distance. he took your hands in his, his calloused palms rough against yours.

Your eyes were glued to his, the sweet energy reciprocated and smiles matching as he said as a matter of factly “I like you too” you laugh once, in shock, before throwing your arms around his neck and hugging him tight “really?!” You ask and he laughs into your neck as he hugs you back, his voice muffled against your skin “yes. I like you so much” you pull back and kiss his cheek “thank you” he quirks his brows “for liking you back?” He questions and you laugh “yeah kinda. but mostly for not laughing at my singing and when I fell” he smiles and shakes his head “I like your singing” you blush and hug him again “thank you, Takanobu” he hums, a low and happy sound from his chest that reverberates into you

“are you done studying?” You ask when you pull away from the embrace, your hands still in his. He nods “do you wanna hang out here? With me? Until you have to go home?” He smiles and nods “yes I’d love that”

What are your Succession sibling headcanons for when they were growing up?

omg!!! gd i have. WAY too many feelings about this actually. hm im not sure quite how to group these but i have a few about them in school and then other random ones! i’m gonna keep this quite lighthearted if i can even though sometimes its hard to given what actually happens in succession. i think i’ll group this by character!

shiv: i think miss siobhan had mixed feelings about school growing up. something tells me that she’d be really dedicated one week and then have a “screw it” attitude the next. i also think she tried really hard (similar to connor) to get good grades and even tried to become student body president (and failed unfortunately) to impress logan but it never did anything for him. i think shiv tried really hard to be tough growing up, only really softening when someone made her put her guard down. (i think connor was the figure who did this the most, and he did the same thing for kendall when it was just the two of them and then baby shiv growing up). i also think shiv was the type to sneak out when she was a teenager and wouldn’t get caught. well, she Would get caught by her brothers but she’d have to bargain with roman to keep a secret for her. (Yes i have a headcanon that connor and kendall shared a room and roman and shiv had rooms neighboring each other so. whatever happens could be heard by all of the siblings, so roman ALWAYS heard when shiv would sneak back in and would immediately confront her about it. kendall always left well enough alone and tried to sleep through it tbh because he knew connor would handle it. sweet boy kenny has been through enough). 

connor: man, if you’ve read my fic about kendall and connor’s dynamic growing up you know how idealized my one version of connor is in my head. (also you should read that i have a few hcs that pop up in that). so these hcs will kinda be a mix of how i see him growing up in canon/my more “connor is normal” idealized version of him. (granted, it CANNOT be denied that even in canon connor is a really devoted and protective brother. this is fact). i think that connor was kinda isolated socially growing up. i think in school he always tried to impress people to make friends, but it kinda always fell flat. i think this is a good explanation as to why he kinda becomes kendall’s confidant/protector growing up and why they had such a strong bond, because he didn’t really feel like he connected with anyone else/really felt like he belonged anywhere without putting on an act. being the eldest i think even before kendall was born connor just wanted to make logan proud so he tried really hard in school, but it wasn’t really worth the effort ultimately. i do think he was really smart anyway so he kept performing well despite knowing it didn’t mean all that much. i think i’ve also decided that out of all the roy siblings that connor was the most athletic and played a lot of baseball growing up! i think he played some tennis too but ultimately kendall got MUCH better at it than he was. 

kendall: i think this is a good time to bring up stewy! i don’t actually know if they were friends before college but. kendall and stewy give me childhood best friend energy. i think kendall was a really quiet and sensitive kid, and i feel like he had a tendency to get lost in a lot of friendships because he could never tell if the bonds were genuine or not. i think he kinda skated along, making himself take the brunt of a joke if necessary. but then he met stewy! and it finally felt like kendall could actually be himself around someone and not try to make himself any smaller. as far as ken’s childhood goes i think he inherited connor’s protectiveness and kinda kept a pact with him that he would take care of and look after shiv and roman while they were growing up. so i think (especially with roman) he was really close with them as a kid, and his more lighthearted banter and interactions with roman that we see as adults comes from that! i think they had a lot of friendly competition between them (whereas shiv and roman’s competition was REAL) and even roman being younger than him because of how sensitive kendall seemed to be, sometimes this translated to roman letting kendall beat him in things that he could beat ken at if he wanted to. also! i think kendall drew a lot as a kid! he kinda grew out of the habit as he got older unfortunately. 

roman: honestly, i think out of all the siblings, roman had the easiest time socially. i think he has this innate sense of confidence that drew people to him, so i think he always kinda got used to a few people around him at once. that being said, kinda like ken, he did sometimes feel a bit disconnected from the connections he had. i think roman was the closest to shiv and ken growing up (i think roman and shiv have such an uncanny twin-like tendency to annoy one another and squabble), but i think he rarely felt like he was able to connect with them emotionally (not any fault of theirs, though, he’s a lot more guarded like shiv is) and didn’t really have an emotional outlet like the one connor gave kendall or the one he later provides for shiv. but i kinda think he’s always kinda struggled with letting people in fully, so i think roman had a tendency to have superficial romantic relationships as a teenager and would also get kinda spooked if his partner didn’t really warn him before they started confiding in him. that being said, i think he would occasionally lean on his friends for emotional support, way before he would ever confide in his siblings. 

bonus: because these always get to me here’s some nicknames i think the kids had for each other growing up. i ABSOLUTELY think kendall called connor connie when he was little because he couldn’t say connor, and it’s something that shiv did too that they all occasionally use for fondness’s sake. (i mean, all of these are for fondness sake, they’re all adults who can Definitely pronounce each others names, but hey, it’s sweet)! but it IS used less common than just calling him con, so i think it’s definitely (esp for kendall) pulled out during heartfelt moments between the two. the same thing is why the countless nicknames for roman exist (ro, roro, romey), but i think bc kendall and connor are more sentimental its why they’re more likely to call him that as adults and kept it up well into childhood. i think because connor is sappy he called shiv shivy and pinky when she was growing up even when he was a teenager because he felt like it suited her and thought it was cute! idk, i think it made sense to call a baby overly cutesy nicknames. (but YES i think pinky originated from connor and not from logan and it was something logan kept with when connor went away to school so shiv only really remembers it as something her dad did... but no! fuck logan! sibling rights <3) 

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

Stay Safe, Stay Home Writing Challenge - (Call me if you need anything) @waiting4inspiration​

Genre: Romance

Pairing: Modern Ivar x OC

Warning: Language, sexual innuendo, insecurity

Rating: M

Chapter 3 || Chapter 5

Chapter 4

The table at Clementin im Glashaus was amazing. The greenhouse windows of the restaurant overlooked the beautiful Palais Coburg Hotel, which used to be a palace belonging to the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. Not to mention, Cash and Ivar had a completely unobstructed view of the sun setting over the city, from the domed glass ceiling of the restaurant. She felt like a princess. Had she known they were coming here, she would have worn something a bit more elegant than the Fashionova dress she was currently wearing.

“Stilles Wasser, mit Eis, bitte?” Mineral water with ice, please. She asked the waiter just before he left the table. She was trying her best to let him be chivalric and order their meals after they had discussed the menu. But he had forgotten about the water. She didn’t like sparking water, let alone it at room temperature. She had to say something. She couldn’t tell if she was being an obnoxious American, or not. Especially since men from Europe were so different from American men. They were slinky and sensitive. They wore skinny pants that showed off their ankles and shorts that came above their knee and kissed each other on the cheek. It was a different dynamic with them. She wasn’t trying to cross any cultural or gender roles by ordering ice water.

Shit, ice. He’d forgotten. That was so important…how could he let that slip? She was American - of course she liked ice.  That should have been a given. He had just assumed that she didn’t even drink water. Americans just filled their cups to the brim with ice cubes and poured soda over it.  Ivar mentally kicked himself for the oversight. “I have never met an American that spoke German with an Austrian accent.” He remembered that she had minored in German in college and Graduate school, but to hear her speak it, with an Austrian accent was rather impressive. Too bad she hadn’t decided to study Norweigan. “I have also never tried ice in my water," he said trying to make small talk.

“Really?” Cash blushed and tugged on the loose thread at hem of her dress, “It’s good. Cold.”

Why were they having such a hard time talking? They normally would talk for hours on the phone and their text and DM threads went on for days. The two of them never ran out of things to say to one another. She could think of a hundred things she wanted to say to him right now, but he seemed so much quieter in person. She kept waiting for one of his snappy comebacks, or for him to flirt with her like he always did, but he was giving her nothing. Maybe he didn’t like her after all. 

“So, have you been here before?” She asked looking around the restaurant. It was easier to look anywhere than at him because all she wanted to do was stare at him. She had never been a fan of the man bun before, but it worked for him. Everything looked good on him. If she didn’t keep diverting her eyes, she would look like a total stalker. “This place is nice.”

Ivar put his napkin in his lap and hoped that the wine wouldn’t take much longer to get to the table. If he didn’t get a drink soon, he was going to clam up completely. He wanted to talk to her. He loved talking to her. He was just so nervous now that she was in front of him and she was so vibrant, pretty…real. “To Vienna or this restaurant?” 

“Either,” Cash answered with a shrug.

“I have only been to Austria a few times. Mostly with my brothers.” Brothers. Right. He was going to have to explain Hvitserk… “I have never been here before. My brother, Ubbe, told me this is a good place to take a date.”

Was he blushing? God, he was cute. “Oh, this is our first date?” She licked her lips and smiled.

“Am I not doing something you want?” Fuck. Had been out of the dating game that long? Why didn’t she know this was their first date?

“No. Everything’s perfect. I just didn’t know if we were hanging out as friends, or on a date.” She took a big sip of her water. “We said we wouldn’t talk about our pictures, so there was no pressure, either way.”

“I already told you, I thought you were beautiful before I saw your picture.” Ivar had never been so happy to see a waiter in his life. He graciously accepted the glass of wine and motioned for the waiter to leave the bottle.  He waited until Cash had her mixed drink placed before her and when they both had drinks they toasted. “Skol,” he said quickly before looking into the bottom of his glass, as he gulped nervously.

“So…” Her phone rang, causing her to jump. She quickly hit the video button and rolled her eyes. “Hey, Ma.” She smiled when Ivar smiled at her.

“Shay, are you okay? I been waiting for you to call me.” Barbara pursed her lips at her daughter to indicate she was upset. “You tell me you’re going to meet this Ivar-boy and then I don’t hear from you. I don’t know if he chopped you up, or sold you on the black market…”

Cash shook her head and threw her napkin ring at him when he chuckled at the comment. “I’m fine, Ma. In fact, Ivar and I are at dinner, right now.” She panned over for her mother to see Ivar. 

She felt all warm inside when Ivar waved at her mother and politely said, “Hello, momma.” 

“Well, hey there baby. It's good to finally see you. Were you excited to meet see Shay? She's so pretty, isn't she?" Cash rested her head on hand as she watched Ivar's face light up, as her mother refused to let him get a word in edgewise. As usual, Ivar and her mother sat there talking like two old friends.  "And look at you...you're so handsome. I bet you just have all the girls all after you. You better not break my baby's heart. You take care of my girl while she's over there, okay?"  

Ivar thought Cash's mom was a hoot. He had always enjoyed hearing about her and talking to her when Cash was in the States. Looking at her face, it was easy to see where Cash got her looks. "Cash is as beautiful as her momma. When I saw her, I just want to keep smiling." He glanced over at Cash and noticed the coy way she looked at him causing him to divert his eyes back to the phone's screen. "I promise, I will take care of her." He handed the phone back to Cash and poured more wine in his glass.

"Make sure to call me later.” Barbara Heath said to her daughter when her face reappeared on the screen. She held the phone close to her mouth and dramatically mouthed the words, He’s cute. “Love you, Shay.”

“Love you, too.” She disconnected the call and looked at Ivar. “Sorry about that. My mom’s a little over-protective.”

“Your momma is sweet. My brothers? They are a pain." He rolled his eyes, "My older brother, Ubbe, sent my brother, Hvitserk, here to be my chaperone.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I have almost 26 years, I do not need a babysitter.” 

“Why did he do that?”

The second glass of wine he had just started on was finished in about two gulps. Ivar knew he was drinking too fast, but it made him feel better about talking, but it did nothing to stop his hands from sweating. All he needed to do was deflect the conversation away from his legs, Hvitserk and everything else wrong in the world for tonight. He could worry about the truth tomorrow. “I always wanted to ask. Why does your momma call you Shay?”

“Oh, that. My first name is Cachet.” She made a disgusted face at the sound of her government name. “Most people call me Cash. My parents still call me Shay.” 

“Which do you prefer?” Cash shrugged, giving no real thought to question. “What would you like me to call you?” 

She lifted her eyes to him with a heavy-lidded stare. “What do you want to call me?” She was hoping it was be something freaky, like Chocolatate, or Sexual Chocolate…what exactly was in this drink, anyway? 

“Nydelig.” 

"And what does that mean?” 

Ivar’s lips turned up into a boyish grin, “Look it up,” he said as the waiter sat their dinner plates in front of them.  

It was a beautiful night and the city lights were magical. After dinner, Cash and Ivar stopped for torte at a local bakery and to pick up spirits before Cash decided that she was ready to head back to her hotel. She would see Vienna tomorrow; it was almost 8 pm and she was exhausted. A day of nerves, traveling, and now jetlag meant she was going to sleep good tonight. 

Ivar had insisted that he see her back to her hotel safely and who was she to refuse? The walk from the restaurant to her hotel had been a short one and she had invited him in because though she was tired, she wasn't quite ready for their first date to end. 

Sitting on the patio of her ground-floor hotel room, she folded her legs on her chair and sipped on a glass of Moscato d’Asti they picked up along their walk. “So, we’ve been talking for months and in all this time, you never said anything.” She twirled the liquid around in her glass. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She wanted to bring it up earlier, but before didn't seem like the right time. But now they both seemed a bit more relaxed and the conversation felt more organic. It felt like one of their normal conversations, not like two strangers meeting each other for the first time.

Ivar’s heart stopped in his throat. Did he really think he could avoid the pink elephant in the room? Did he honestly believe he was going to get through tonight without addressing why he lied to her about his legs? Of course, she had noticed his limp and those damn crutches. She knew he had a physical impairment; he wasn't that skilled at deflecting the conversation, she had just been too polite say anything all night.

He took a deep drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke out in the opposite direction. “I was going to tell you, but I did not know what to say. I hate these things.” He took his crutches and roughly pushed them into the corner. “Since I was small, all the surgeries and bone lengthening and leg braces…canes. I did not want you to pity me.” He picked at a rough cuticle on his thumb before putting his cigarette back to his lips.

Cash laughed, “I was talking about the fact that you smoke.” 

“Oh, shit.” Ivar laughed in return. He took a sip from his glass of whiskey before sitting it back on the table. “I am Scandinavian. We all smoke.”

Cash nodded, still trying to digest what he said before about his impairment. “Are you in pain?” She asked, hoping she wasn't prying.

Shrugging, Ivar sat back in his seat and looked out at the lanterns that illuminated the small garden. “I hurt, but not really pain.” He licked his lips as he tried to think of how he could make it make sense to her. “When I was born my legs were deformed…one shorter than the other and both twisted. They were fucked. I had surgeries with metal rods to make them straight, and longer, and all that. But, they never really got strong and the pain never really went away. I grew up with it. I live with it. 

Sometimes, when the weather is bad – snow, or rain for many days, or when it starts to get cold and wet, I have pain. When I walk too much or go a whole day without taking these damn braces off, I get pain. But the normal hum that always is there? That’s just Elias.”

“I'm sorry, who?”

“The name of the pain. My old friend, Elias.” Ivar chuckled at the memory. It was a code-word he and his mother made up when he was little. It was his way of letting her know that he was in pain, without alerting the rest of the family. He never wanted his brothers to treat him differently because of his impairment, so they came up with a code. If he would tell his mother that Elias visited him at school, she knew that he needed medicine, warm compresses and rest.

“The people in my head have names,” Cash said absently.

“Excuse me?”

She wiggled herself forward in her chair and leaned to rest her elbows on the table. If they were dishing about their crazy, he was in for a treat. “You know on in the movies people have an angel and a devil that sit on their shoulder to tell them what to do?” She waited until he nodded. “I don’t think I have that. I just have these people in my head and they are always having conversations. Jasmine and Jessica. These bitches don’t agree on anything. They’re supposed to be here to help me, you know like my conscious. But I’m usually playing referee between them…like everybody calm the fuck down. They get on my nerves.”

Ivar laughed at her animation. He couldn’t believe that he just told her about his legs and she countered with the fact that she was probably schizophrenic.  

Taking another sip of her drink, she studied his face. “Can you walk without that stuff?” She pointed to the crutches.

He shook his head. “I can stand, but not walk. My legs do not hold my full weight. My right leg does not bend. My left does but, I still need to hold onto objects to balance, otherwise, I would fall. The legs do not move together, so I bind them. .” He closed his eyes, “When I do not have the braces – I crawl.”

“We talk about everything, Ivar…”

“I could not just tell you.” He looked her in the eye, holding her gaze for the first time that night. “I could not stand it if you stopped talking to me.”

“Did you think I talked to you all this time because I thought you were going to win a Walk-A-Thon? You didn’t even give me a chance.” She watched as he played with the wrapper on the whiskey bottle.

“I did not want to disappoint you.”

She licked her lips, “I’m not disappointed.” Her words came out in almost a whisper. 

Did she move toward him, or did he come toward her? Just like knowing which truly happened between the Big Bang Theory and Evolution - it's all a matter of opinion. Perhaps there was a seismic shift in the tectonic plates that moved their bodies toward each other at the exact moment in time. Whatever happened, the space between them closed and their lips touched.

It was so soft at first, that the feeling of their warm breath on each other’s lips left more of an ache than the flesh that preceded it. But after that brief contact, came a hand. A soft, small hand, with delicate fingers, gently holding the side of his neck and her thumb tracing invisible patterns along his jawline. When her hand made contact with his face, his lips reclaimed hers with just the slightest bit of trepidation, but much more curiosity.   

He pulled back for a moment just to look at her face before she gently nipped at his full bottom lip and the next thing he knew she was swallowing his moan. Her mouth was still sweet from the Moscato as Ivar opened his more and allowed his tongue to gently lick her lips. He wasn’t sure when he seized the back of her neck and pulled her toward him. Maybe it was when she looked at him that way, the way he had always wanted a woman to look at him. The way Freydis used to look at him all those years ago. Cash looked at him like she wanted him. No one had looked at him like that in a very long time. 

Oh, he was good – how had she ended up on his lap? His lips felt like velvet and his tongue was as smooth as silk. His breath had a pleasant smoked whiskey flavor that reminded her of a bar she went to in college. That’s where she had met Big Dick Darryl. What a fun night that had been. 

Ivar had this gentle way of pulling back, like he was about to break contact, only to come at her mouth at a different angle. He wasn’t a sloppy kisser by any means, every placement of his lips was deliberate, tactical, well thought out….sensual. Even the people in her head were in awe of his lip skills.

It took every ounce of restraint he had when Ivar felt Cash’s fingertips touch the base of his throat and gently slide down his chest. More than anything he wanted to be able to pick her up and carry her back into her room, throw her down on the bed and do whatever they do in movies before the camera pans to the vase on the dresser. But, he knew he would never be able to do that. He wasn’t sure what exactly caused it – be it finally meeting her in person, the feeling of her lips on his, a woman touching and wanting him, or knowing that he’d never be able to share in the same stories of freaky sexual exploits like his brothers…but suddenly he had the urge to cry.

Pulling back slowly, Ivar kept his eyes on Cash’s lips noticing how they still glistened from his kiss. He had been so cool, so smooth all this time, with her, from their first online conversation, and now, all he wanted was to be held. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” Why were they stopping? This was going extremely well. Were her kissing skills not up to par? No one had ever told her she was a bad kisser before. She’d made it a point not to get anything filled with garlic or onions with dinner so she wouldn’t have stinky breath, just in case he tried to get a good night kiss. Hell, she even had on a really cute matching ‘just in case’ underwear. So far, things were going extremely well, she thought.

Running his thumb across her jawline he tried to restrain himself from kissing her again. “I think I should go back to my hotel. You had a long day and are probably tired.”

“You don’t have to go, yet.” Did she sound too eager? She didn’t want to seem slutty, but they had been talking for six months and it had been a hot minute since she got laid.

Ivar exhaled slowly through his nose, trying his best to calm himself. “I don’t want to spoil our first date.” He kissed her lovingly on the forehead “I think it is best if I go now.” He let her follow him to the door before stopping and turning around to kiss her softly on the lips. “I can see you tomorrow?”

Cash got on her tiptoes to kiss him again, “Yes.” 

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Hello kittycutysicky 1,2,10,12

1. When did you first realize that something was wrong?

i have always been off, but i really started to notice it around the end of 5th grade. (i think i was around 10 years old?) i was placed into counseling for a short amount of time after i had threatened to kill myself during a fight with my best friend. i was also constantly daydreaming and felt disconnected from my surroundings, everything was really hazy and, at the time, i didn’t know what dissociation was. i had just assumed that everyone felt that way sometimes. I started to realize that most people didn’t actually feel this way. and most people my age didn’t feel suicidal either. that’s when it really clicked that something was wrong.

2. What was your childhood like?

My home life was unstable. my mom divorced my father when i was very young due to his alcoholism. she started seeing a couple other guys and they were very bad people; they mistreated me and my mother. my mom and the people she saw were constantly fighting. i was mistreated by them for most of my childhood. (CPS even got involved a couple times.) We also, as a family, moved around a lot during that time too. In school, i was a good student and managed to get placed into advanced classes, but I didn’t fit in well. I had friends, but I definitely struggled. It wasn’t all bad though, I have many good memories, too! Although my father wasn’t around for very long, I remember he sometimes took me and my older brother to super fun places. I still have the souvenirs from those days. There’s so many other things I could talk about but I don’t wanna write too much!

10. What are three myths about BPD that people need to understand- and three hard truths about BPD?

Myths:

Borderlines are just dramatic

BPD isn’t that serious/not a valid diagnosis

People with BPD are manipulative and only want attention

Hard Truths:

Borderlines experience emotions far more intensely than the average person. While spiked emotions may just appear “dramatic” from an outside perspective, the emotions are very real for the person experiencing them. They can be so painful that many people with bpd turn to escape methods/try to numb the pain by using methods such as drugs, alcohol, deliberate self-harm, etc. Telling a borderline they are “just being dramatic” invalidates what they are going through.

BPD is a severe condition that can require treatment; neglecting care for the disorder can be severely harmful. Suicide rates among borderlines are extremely high, with 10% of borderlines dying from suicide (this is 50% higher than the general population)

The idea that people with BPD are manipulative and only want attention is a very negative and harmful stigma. People with BPD feel emotions more intensely than the average person, and, many people diagnosed with BPD also struggle with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, among other things. While some borderlines behave in toxic ways (especially in media representation), they do not represent everyone else with the disorder or even the majority.

12. Can you please explain how your BPD has taken control over your life- please list and describe three main areas for someone that is not well educated on this disorder.

Interpersonal Relationships - Everyone experiences the disorder differently. In my case, I struggle a lot with attachment and emotional dependency. I always seem to end up with a “FP” (favorite person). FPs, for people with BPD, are people - or, a person, whom they have an emotional dependency on. FPs can make or break our days and it’s usually a roller coaster of emotions to have a FP. I can be having a great day and be in a great mood, but notice my FP left a message on read, and spiral downhill for the rest of day as a result. I know it’s irrational to think and feel this way, so I try my best to never bring it up or act on it during our interactions. However, I can’t stop feeling these intense emotions over my FP’s words and actions that should not bother me. To give some more examples, it can also be things like, a shift in tone in their voice, them spending time with other friends, talking to me less than normal, even just being busy with life! These things lead to me spending hours in bed because of the intensity of my emotions, self-harming, and I used to have a problem with alcohol. There is honestly so, so much more to this but I don’t wanna write too much.

Sense of Identity - I dont really know who I am; my interests and goals can shift rapidly. I’ll find a new hobby and think i’m passionate about it, only to get bored and lose interest soon after. I’ll pick out a career path, and think “this is it!! this is what i’ll do with my life!!” and change my mind the next day. I don’t know what I’m passionate about, I don’t know what I want for my future, it’s always changing and i get discouraged easily. I don’t understand who I am as a person, i pick up characteristics and viewpoints from my friends or even characters i admire, but I don’t know how much of it is actually “me”, especially since these characteristics can sometimes conflict with each other, if that even makes sense?. My image of myself is usually distorted in some way. Body Dysmorphia is another common symptom of BPD and it involves obsessing over perceived flaws in appearance. One example is that I weigh 85 pounds and once I start to get close to 90, I start eating an unhealthily low amount to maintain the 85. Another thing that affects my self image is “black and white thinking”. it’s the inability to see both the good and bad in something, you either see “all good” or “all bad”. so sometimes I think of myself as an a great person, an angel even. other days, i hate myself more than you can imagine. This sort of thinking also applies to the way i sometimes view other people, not just the way i view myself, and this relates more to #1- I often switch between idealizing and idolizing somebody i’m close to, and devaluing them. One day they are a saint and nothing less, but after something minor, they are suddenly a monster of a human being. and it can go back and forth. (this is also called splitting) It’s an awful way of thinking, but i’ve learned to recognize it and I try not to act on these thoughts- managing and rationalizing them is key!  

Day to Day Life - As somebody who is unmedicated, not in therapy, and living in a toxic environment, i struggle. Because my mood can shift so easily, I can never really trust myself to be okay. I have moments, or sometimes even days, where i’m beaming with joy and i accomplish a lot, and tell myself i can do this everyday. but i always end up crashing back down. or, i just lay in bed for hours feeling drained, unmotivated, and incapable of accomplishing things. 

There is so much more that I didn’t get into, but i covered a couple important things! If you actually read this all the way through- thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my thoughts- this is something that I don’t really talk about, most of my friends and even the people im closest to don’t know too much; i just don’t talk about it often, so im glad to share my experiences and thoughts on this ♡

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

i have an appt with my therapist again today in a few hours and i think this will be like her third strike. i feel increasingly uncomfortable talking to her even if she seems invested in my writing etc. it just feels like the same shit all over again. people taking what they want from me and treating me like a commodity, like a personal jester for their entertainment, and then not giving a shit about me or my feelings. she told me it’s okay to talk a lot and to complain but then tells me to stop complaining—”we’ve done that part”—and while i dont like complaining at that point i was just explaining my reasoning more than complaining. 

i feel like she’s frustrated because i’m not making progress as quickly as she’d like and she thinks i have all this potential, and like, no shit. you’re frustrated after two months? try 28 fucking years. this has been the situation my entire life, this is what i’m in therapy for, this is why i’m suicidal. i’m sick to death of people saying all this shit about how i’m not doing enough, i’m not doing well enough, how i’m SO smart and SO this or that and treat me like i’m wasted potential all the time. i’m fucking sick of potential. and i get paralyzed about doing anything because when i do ANYTHING it’s never good enough, it’s always people telling me that i didnt try hard enough or that i didnt do my best or telling me how it could be better.

i busted my fucking ass off in school for nearly two decades, doing all the extra credit and being in advanced placement gifted magnet college prep what have you bullshit, at the top percentile of goddamn everything, and all of it amounted to nothing. all of it is inherently useless. i get to just live with the Good Feeling of doing a good job because it’s reflective of absolutely nothing. i have no life skills and no independence and zero confidence in myself doing anything. i have no faith in myself or reason to live. i dont have a reason to stick around and see anything through and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i’m afraid of death, but the only reason i havent committed myself to an institution is because of the backlash i would get from my parents and because of the hefty price tag on the asylum. 

once i get out of the house i usually feel better, but it has been a challenge to get out of the house. it’s a challenge to get anything done IN the house unless it’s something that my parents directly are scrutinizing me for. like “oh she did the dishes! she’s not useless after all.” or “oh she actually was doing something on her computer, looks like she isn’t just sitting around playing games.” and they care about those things not for my welfare but for their own image. they dont want some loser neet child, and i guess i dont really want that either, but only because of the image, really. i’d like to be independent from my parents but i constantly feel like it’s not possible or feasible due to external factors. even when i was employed there was no way i was making enough money to pay rent anywhere. one coworker who didnt live w her parents lived with NINE other people and STILL paid 800 a month. 

and even when i lived alone in my dorm away from my parents, i was still feeling completely useless and had no desire to do anything. i was completely disconnected from the world. raving was good at that time luckily but in terms of just...anything, i was talking to shitty people and meeting up with strangers who luckily didnt murder or rape me... just because. ironically i got hit by a car trying to meet up w a dude from school. i feel like i deserve to be punished and beaten constantly and i low-key do it to myself through denying myself anything. like sabotaging my life through passivity.

but it seemed like my therapist was more sympathetic before in her description of my “learned helplessness”, that it causes me fucking pain to try to do anything on my own. it’s not just nervousness or anxiety, it’s a paralyzing fear. because if i do anything it destroys my mom and then i have to live with that guilt and emotional fallout. i feel horrible that i don’t like my mom as a person, and i dont blame anyone else for also not liking her. i dont describe my mom as likable. i wish i could help my mom, but i can’t, and at the same time, i dont want to. she has sucked so much life out of me and she’s ruining my life but it also feels like i’ll be abandoning her if i go. it’s real fucking easy for my therapist to say “you’re not responsible for your parents” but theyve been responsible for me all this time. i didnt fucking ask to be born but i also feel like i’m literally the only thing keeping my mom from killing herself. i hate when she says “everyone would be better off without me” because to an extent it’s true. we’d be better off without her hoarding everything, we’d be better off not walking on eggshells constantly around her aggressive self-deprecation, we’d be better off without her bigotry (at least i would), we’d be better off without all the shit that makes me not want to help her. i dont want to resent my mom but i already have so much contempt for everything, and i’m so used to having these shackles on that i dont really know how to live without them. 

when i went to target with nate i felt just..shocked and excited but also scared about the fact that i could buy literally anything i wanted at the store for snacks and my parents wouldnt know about it. i wouldnt have to explain to my mom where i “got these” or if i had more or justify how expensive they were or have fear her buying ten more bags of it because i liked it one time. i got to just purchase what i wanted and ate it right there and like thank god they didnt KNOW about it. they’ll see that i spent money at target but they dont know it was on fancy cookies and candy. 

when i had a job i felt more independent because i was making money, and i’m still spending the money that i made, but they still fucking see everything i do unless it’s through paypal. i talked about opening a separate account but theres no way to get the money from that account to my new one without my parents noticing, obviously. it’s hard to take all of the steps that i can envision because i know they are painful. the only way my brother and sister have independence is because they’ve been completely emotionally numb or, more in my sister’s case, have been actively antagonistic toward my parents. my mom is now “afraid” of my sister, and nearly every time she comes over she’s screaming at my mom. 

i dont know the true logistics of opening a new bank account but i guess if i get a new job i could start putting the money in that account. im only applying to costco so far because i have literally no idea of what jobs are out there or what i could do. but costco has good benefits and i really REALLY need my teeth fixed and i REALLY need new glasses. im still wearing the glasses that were in the accident and have a huge gouge out of the center of the right lens. im scared that ive already trained my brain to create a blind spot. 

it helps to write this stuff out but it’s hard to find a solution. and maybe my therapist is also frustrated because she can’t find a solution either. but for me that’s just my fucking reality lmao. the only thing i can really think of is just throwing a dart on a map and sneaking away to some other fucking state or something. that’s really the only way my brother and sister made it out, too. but i dunno where i’d go or what i’d do, still, but at least then it would be more immediate and more on my terms. i’d basically just be throwing a dart somewhere. but then i’d really be alone.

Okay, so this morning I woke up and I went to Watrous, to get a reading done from the lady that I won the gift certificate from and I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect…I didn’t really have any expectations when I was going in or anything because I don’t know, I guess I was kind of skeptical.  Anyways, I got there and she a had a little studio in the back of a health store on main street there.  When I went in she said that she could sense my nerves and everything, and she explained everything to me and she told me that sometimes when she is doing a reading she will start to cry and that she gets anxiety but she is fine…and they aren’t her emotions and not to worry.  She told me that she sat down before I got there, and she had a notepad written out of what she had already been sensing and that I already had a few people there.  I took a picture of the pad, Ill show you.

The first thing that she brought up was a grandfather from my dad’s side.  He died when I was really little so I didn’t really know him that well. He was an alcoholic and my dad had a poor relationship with him after my grandma died  (I never knew her)  She said that she knew that he died a long time ago and that he was one of my guides and he was really far away and she couldn’t get a clear image on him.

The second person that she felt, was a friend?  She said that she didn’t know if it was male or female and she said that the images that they were showing her were like a hula hoop and a big bright lights like the circus or cirque de solei? Which didn’t ring any bells to me at all, so I was kind of confused and told her that it didn’t really make any sense to me. She said we will come back to it later.

She asked if it was okay to touch me and she put her hand on my knee.  She closed her eyes and her face was like scrunching up a little bit. She said that people come to her in whatever stage of their life they want her to see, so she said that she say a man in his 40s with a round face and he was scouling and really angry.  I immediately knew that it was my grandpa that just passed away because he always had a mean look on his face, I didn’t say anything and then she sensed that it was my grandpa on my moms side.  She said that there was a lot of regret….she said that he was really angry and since he hasn’t been gone for that long, he hasn’t learnt what he needs to learn yet and that he will eventually change, but the feelings and everything are all so fresh and new for him, or something a long those lines.  She asked me if he was into lawn bowling…or if lawn bowling meant anything to me, and I didn’t really have an answer for her about that…but eventually she said that she meant croquet and not lawn bowling which is something that tanner and I used to do with my grandpa all the time when we were younger at the lake and in my grandparents backyard when I was younger. He told her that he wanted me to remember the good times like croquet, and forget about everything else that happened later on in life.

   She said that she saw him as putting himself on a pedestal and that he was always looking down at people (which is so true.)  She asked about his relationship with my mom, and she said that he always looked down at her (also true) and that they had a bad relationship….she said that he didn’t approve of one of my moms realtionships (which…he didn’t approve of my dad and later in his life he didn’t approve of mom and Byron getting married.)  She said that he said that he missed my grandma and was showing images from their wedding to her? And that they were on the same playing field and were like two peas in a pod and so alike and that she always took him down a peg or two with his anger and helped him to be more level headed….(also true)  She said that he mentioned the song “misery loves company” jokingly about their relationship.

THEN the most fucked thing happened, she started talking about how there was a lot of regret, and something about missing an event in a basement hall (HELLO, my fucking wedding) and how he still had a lot of anger about that.  She asked me what was going on and why we were mad at each other, and I told her that it was because he accused my family of stealing some stuff from their house and also because he thought that I was talking about him and my grandma at that one Christmas when I stopped talking to him.  As soon as I told her that, she said that he put his hands up in the air and let them fall to his side and said, “im done” which…is something that he always did in real life, and I can picture it…like its so fucked up?  Then she said that he said “they turned their backs on me” which, I guess is kind of true because we stopped talking to him after that Christmas and him not coming to my wedding.

Since my grandpa has passed away my grandma has been telling me all sorts of awful things about him, like almost a side to him that I have never seen or heard about until he was gone. Tanner and I were over for supper right after my grandpa died, and she was telling us that when my mom was first born that my grandpa took her outside of town for a drive with my mom when she was a baby and they stopped outside of PA and my grandpa stopped the car, and he started RUNNING!!!! And my grandma was alone holding my mom in a dark field and that she heard shots being fired at them and she thinks that my grandpa hired someone to kill her and my mom because he didn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and a dad!!!! She was bawling when she told Tanner and I this, but it seems so outlandish that I didn’t really know to believe her or not. She also told me that she woke up one night and that my grandpa had tied a bedsheet around her neck and he was trying to KILL HER.  Also, most recently, she said that her blood sugar was really low and she was telling my grandpa that he needed to take her to the hospital and he wouldn’t!! and he wouldn’t call an ambulance either, and she passed out and she was out for almost an hour and he wouldn’t do ANYTHING!!  And I keep on hearing these stories from her, and how she thought he was schizophrenic or there was something mentally wrong with him and ten years ago she said “enough is enough” and said he had to go to a psych or she was going to leave him because she just couldn’t do it anymore.  The psych talked to just her afterwards, apparently and told her that she should leave my grandpa.  She was crying and crying and telling us all of this and saying that she has held onto all of this for 51 years.

SO, today the medium was asking me about like near death expierences or somebody that should have died but didn’t?  And I was like, well…my grandpa has had four heart attacks, so I don’t know if he is talking about himself or what?  And, she was like it seems like a women is attached to the image?  And I remembered the thing about my grandpa passing out and my grandpa not getting or calling for help so, I told her about that and she said that my grandpa was pacing and saying “im a bastard, im a bastard, im a bastard” over and over again?

She said that she didn’t get any emotion from him, and that she has never had a read like that before….She said that he said he was never mean to me (true) and that he always really liked me and really was proud of me and what I do but there was a disconnect and he didn’t know how to let me know (which is also so true, I never remember my grandpa once telling me that he loved me)  

She said that the person that had the imagery about the cirus/bright lights/hola hoop was being so persistent and telling me that I would “get it” but I just didn’t.  The only person that I can remember passing away that I was close with was Jason Pawelko (my friends younger brother that OD’d and I lived with him for awhile)  But the circus/hola shit just didn’t ring any bells.

Anyways, she moved back on to my grandpa on my dad’s side which she kept saying “he is right here” which kind of freaked me out because she said that they don’t usually get this close, but he wanted me know that he was always looking out for me.  She said that he was skinny and frail and she wanted to know if he was always this docile in real life, and I told her from what I remember, yes but I didn’t really have a relationship with him. She said that he watches over me, and that he is so proud that he had something to do with naming me, which at first I was like…I don’t think that he had anything to do with the name Savannah…but then I remembered my middle name, Mae.  His wife’s name.  She said that he was proud of me and that he really liked tyler.  She said that he had something to do with Tyler and I meeting (from the other side) and he knows that we met by chance (fucked!!!) She said she could see him sitting there with his arms crossed, and that he didn’t have much to say but he just wanted me to know that he watches over me.

 Back to grandpa jim, she said that if I had any questions or anything for him, that I could ask him in my mind and she would get an answer or an image or something from him that I would have to interpet, since she already kind of touched base on the whole wedding thing, and how he was still hard headed and still thinking that he was right about the whole thing, the question that I wanted to ask was “were you really as mean to my grandma as much as she says you were?”  the medium put her hand on my knee, and I thought of the question.  She said that the image that she got was an almost cartoonish set of angry red eyes with laser beams glaring down at me.  She asked me if that was making any sense to me…and it wasn’t really, and then she said…it almost doesn’t even feel like it is coming from him?  It is really weird and that she had never seen anything like that before.  I was thinking about it, and as soon as she said that it seemed like it wasn’t from him…I was like…is this the fucking side of him that I never knew?  Is this….what my grandma has been trying to tell me? So, I asked the medium if it was okay to tell her what I asked and she said yes, and I kind of explained (in not tons of detail) about how since he has passed away that I have been hearing all kinds of horrible things about him and that I didn’t know what to believe because it was a side of him that I would never have imagined seeing.  She then said that she didn’t want to scare me, but it was almost like a devils face…and she said, I have been doing this for a long time, and I have been in contact with people that have been murdered, but I have never seen something so negative and scary and bad.  She said that there was something going on that I didn’t know about, I told her that I didn’t really know if I believed my grandma about what she had been telling (I didn’t know if it was dementia, paranoia? Old age? Or what….) and the medium said that she didn’t want to tell me what to do, but that she said if she were me that I should believe what my grandma is saying……..the medium was crying when she said it.

 We went back to the hoola hoop thing one more time, and she said that sometimes it is like a future prementation or almost like a psychic like thing, but if I get asked to go to the circus or to cirque de soliel or whatever that I should go…..don’t know what any of that means?

 Anyways, she hugged me and I left.

 I got an email a little while later after I left and she said that she got more insight after I left….She said that she would like to call me after 5 o’clock…she basically said that she got more information about what she say (devil) and that maybe something is attaching themselves to my grandpa because he was so angry all the time. Not to sure what to make of all this, but pretty crazy nonetheless.

Hi :) I was just wondering am I the only one disappointed with the newest episode?? SPN used to be my fav show and I would love watching it in the earlier seasons but now I don’t know if I even want to continue watching it anymore. :( my favorite thing about it was the brotherly dynamic but now it’s about 2 brothers and the older brother’s friend and it completely unbalances it. Sam is getting pushed aside by writers and fans and I was so disappointed when cas came back. What’s your opinion?

Part 2: “And to follow up for the previous question (im the anon who asked about your opinion on the most recent episode) why are the writers now making dean happy not when he’s with Sam, but when Cas is alive? I love Cas’s personality and character but I hate how the writers make him a main character that obviously cares for one brother more than another.”

Hi anon! I understand your concern, I watch Supernatural for the brothers too and I get where you’re coming from, but I think everyone, from all sides of the fandom, is blowing everything way out of proportion right now. I get it, the emotionally heavy storylines have everyone on edge, but I really don’t think there’s a reason to freak out as much as people are. I know this is an unpopular opinion among bibros, but I actually enjoyed last night’s episode. In my opinion, it’s the second strongest episode of the season (13x04 being the strongest). I don’t really think Sam is getting pushed aside too badly by the writers this season (another unpopular opinion), there was a lot of focus on Sam’s storyline this season in episodes 2 and 3, and he had an actual POV in episode 4, which isn’t something Sam gets too often. Yes Dean has more overall screen time so far this season, but that’s because the focus at the beginning of the season is on Dean’s greif (over everything, not just Cas). I do wish they allowed Sam some time to process his greif as well, but Sam not getting a POV isn’t a problem of just this season, it’s been happening since day one. Jensen even said at a con once hat Supernatural is Sam’s story told from Dean’s POV. I actually think Sam has had more POV so far this season than he has had in previous seasons at this point. 

As far as the brotherly bond goes, I actually think it’s pretty strong so far this season. Sam and Dean are talking to each other, communicating, letting each other know how they feel instead of shutting each other out, and worrying about each other. If you want to see a real disconnect between the brothers, go back and watch seasons 4, 5, and 9. There was a huge rift and lack of communication between the brothers in those seasons, and they got through it because they love each other, and they always will. Even in just this last episode, there were some great broments. Sam trying to help Dean feel better was adorable, and seeing him have to watch Dean die again was heart breaking, he was panicing and all he could do was keep saying “no no no” yelling Dean’s name and trying desperately to shake him awake, he was clearly distraught over Dean’s death. Dean opening up to Sam at the end about how he’s feeling was amazing too, that’s something Dean never would have done in the earlier seasons, and it takes a lot for Dean to talk about things like that. And yeah, once Dean found out he might actually be dead, he didn’t really care but before that, the first thing he told Billie was “I have my brother to get back to.” It’s pretty obvious that Sam and Dean still love each other, and I actually think their bond is stronger now than it was last season. Too many people are misinterpretting Dean’s greif to mean that he doesn’t care about Sam anymore, and that’s just… not true at all and s huge misunderstanding of Dean’s current mindset. Dean feels hopeless, like he can’t save anyone anymore, and like he’s just dragging Sam down, his greif certainly isn’t just about Cas. When you’re in the depressive minset that Dean was last episode, you truly believe that those you love would be better off without you, and he believed Sam would be better off without him. 

As for your concerns about Supernatural now being the Dean and Cas show, I really don’t think you need to worry about that anon, this is another instance of people blowing everything way out of proportion. TFW will reunite next episode and there will probably be some fan service. but according to filming spoilers Sam and Dean will be separated from Cas after that until at least episode 11, so there’s nothing to worry about, Supernatural is still the Sam and Dean show.Cas being back will restore Dean’s faith that good things can happen, but that doesn’t mean Cas is his only source of happiness. 

Sorry for the lengthy response anon, but I hope this helps! just ignore the bad and focus on the good, Sam and Dean still love each other more than anything and there are still things to enjoy about this show.    

Im lazy but also greedy u pick: 📱

mason and billie

[text]: stay right where you are, i’m coming to get you in 10[text]: have you seen josh? he asked me to come over, but he’s not around and isn’t texting me back :/[text]: i got this great shot of you and val the other day, you were literally glowing... truly an angel :)[text]: last night was a lot of fun, but... we can’t... do that anymore, josh is my best friend and he’s your brother and i never want to put him in that sort of situation[text]: maybe i should’ve been the one to tell you first, but she’s also your friend too, but yeah, we’re together[text]: i wish whatever josh thought didn’t matter to me, i wish that i hadn’t been afraid to to tell you that i’ve liked you for so long that i can’t remember a time that i didn’t, i wish that i would’ve asked you on a date the first time we slept together, i wish that i wasn’t his best friend so we could just be mason and billie and actually be together. but god, i’m so afraid that i’m just temporary for you, is that all this is? am i just another boy you run around with?

blake and andie

[text]: take a break from studying, grandma, go to the party tonight, i might even make it worth your while ;)[text]: you got a b on the quiz... i thought you were a nerd?[text]: god, baby, i love it when you get feisty, i bet you’re rolling your eyes and fighting off that smile right now[text]: why don’t you come over here and shut me up if you want me to fuck off so bad?[text]: I don’t know who else to ask... And I know we aren’t talking right now, but can you take me to the hospital? I think I underestimated the amount I did.[text]: look, you like me, i can see it in your eyes every time you look at me, behind that furious look you always get because you can’t figure out why you tolerate me. i can see it in the way you try to refuse to smile whenever i laugh, i can tell by the way you keep coming back to me for more when there’s so many other people who can offer you the same thing i can. and you know, the stupid, silly thing is that i might just like you too. so, can we cut to the chase and stop pretending like you hate me and let’s see where this goes?

cara and celeste

[text]: are we going to make a sign for the protest? can we please make a sign? you don’t even have to hold it, i’ll hold it, please?[text]: i’ll meet you in the quad and we can walk to your class together[text]: class is running late, i already miss you, fletcher, and the couch[text]: you’re so cute sometimes, cel[text]: i’m going to disconnect for a few days, i’ll see you afterwards[text]: I don’t know how to explain this to you, but you deserve an explanation for the way I’ve been acting. As totally cliche as this is going to sound: it’s not you, it’s me. It’s been me this entire time, can’t you tell? It’s just the way you look at me sometimes, like I hung the moon in the sky and the way you touch me, soft like I’m not real and then firm, as if you’re doing all you can to hold onto me. I get so scared, I just don’t know what to say or do. I want to be able to give you and Fletcher my heart the way you two give me yours, but nothing lasts forever and I can’t be the one who walks away from this completely shattered. I don’t deserve to be in your lives if I can’t give you 100% of me and that’s not fair to the both of you if I’m too terrified to be able to do that.

lia x lydia

[text]: can you PLEASE turn that shit off, i have to be up early in the morning and you know that, so stop being so annoying!![text]: rent’s due tomorrow, please have the money[text]: okay, if you’re going to bring someone over, can you at least give me a warning next time? thanks[text]: last night was a mistake, the whole drunken kissing thing was cute when we were together, but... it doesn’t matter, we’re done and it shouldn’t ever happen again[text]: i’m happy for you, really[text]: i miss you. i thought we would come back to each other the way we usually do, but it’s been months and i’m still crying over you while you’re moving on just fine. i just want to tell you that i’m sorry, kiss you, and hold you in my arms again. i would give up my pride, i would give up anything to be able to do that again.

val x josh

[text]: i told billie i was busy on a FRIDAY NIGHT, so you better come over and make it worth my while[text]: mason is talking to billie outside, so that means YOU’RE not busy and if you keep me waiting any longer, i’m going to have to resort to going home with someone else![text]: what do i see in him? well, i personally think he’s cuter than you :)))[text]: someone told me they saw you leaving a fucking closet with her.... what the hell, josh?[text]: i know i can be a bitch sometimes... but can you come over and cuddle? i had a really bad day, but it’s okay if you don’t want to or can’t.[text]: i like you a lot more than i originally thought i would, but we can’t keep sneaking around billie’s back like this. we either need to tell her that we’re a thing... if you want to be a thing, or we have to end it and pretend like we never did anything in the first place.

okay here we go! for sol: 8, 35, 19; for hernandez: 45, 5, 13; for jericho: 3,17, 24; for nikola: 40, 43, 50; for nix, 9, 22, 29, for scott: 3, 36, 27; for hero: 34, 18, 6; for lynx: 10, 26, 44!! sorry if that's too many!!

anon i have no idea how you know all these characters enough to send me specific ones for their names, but i want you to know this is the best thing that has happened to me in weeks and you are the absolute light of my life. if you believe in a higher power i wish you blessings and happiness for years to come. 

here we go!! (also this is so long im sorry, I tried to sort them if anybody is actually curious about any of them)

Sol- 

8. did they have pets as a child? as an adult? do they like animals?

Dani Solis, or just Sol to her coworkers, is a mechanic who never quite understood living things. she grew up in outer space and never really had the opportunity to have a pet, although the constant traveling meant she got to see a ridiculous variety of life. When she was a little girl, she would sometimes find a cockroach or other bug on the ship and catch it, keeping it and feeding it until it died. it was never a very satisfying experience, probably adding to her obsession with immortal machines. 

35. whats their guilty pleasure? what is their totally unguilty pleasure?

I’d call Eric her guilty pleasure. they would have ended up together if I hadn’t killed him off mid-breakdown. Most people live on a planet, but she doesn’t have one, so to her any sort of truly meaningful human connection is dangerous and off-limits. but she loves him deeply, although it scares her. Unguilty, I’d say shes kind of a hoarder. her bunk is full of knick-knacks from every corner of the explored universe. she spends pretty much her entire salary on it tbh

19. whats their least favorite genres? 

if this is about literature, she thinks fantasy is stupid. if it’s music, she loves rap and techno but has never really been able to tolerate slow guitar pieces about how beautiful planet life is. think space-age country. 

Hernandez-

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

this is a big one for him. Captain Eric Hernandez is a trans man, so for a lot of his life yeah there was a massive difference. but after he transitioned, I would say the main difference would be that the people around him see him as cold, kind of scary. he’s not scary, he’s scared. he sees himself as small and weak, even after he straight up murdered his abuser and took his place as captain. His friends would say he is the strongest, bravest man they’ve ever known. They would be right.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He has two sisters and two brothers, I don’t know any of their names. He was very close with all of them and misses them every day. Since he ran away to avoid having to pretend to be a woman his whole life, and then murdered a guy, contacting any of them would have been massively dangerous. He couldn’t even tell any of them he was leaving because he wasn’t out to them. In the version of his story where he’s executed, they all get letters from Sol explaining everything. In the version where he lives, he sends the letters himself.

13. What is their least favorite food?

fish was never available to him as a kid, and he never acquired the taste. 

Jericho-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

this isnt something i get to say about my ocs a lot, but he did. he had a lovely childhood. he grew up with a loving father in a huge, beautiful city where he was free to explore and learn to his hearts content. he has especially fond memories of wandering around the actual ground of the city where basically nobody ever goes, looking at bugs and mold and plants with his little junior scientist magnifying glass, looking them up on his computer-band. the worst ones were probably nights where his dad had to work and he was lonely in their apartment, bc those were the nights he wondered about his mom. 

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

He’ll take photographs of cool specimen, but mostly he carries a journal and prefers to take notes. he takes notes on absolutely everything and has boxes and boxes of old notebooks in his closet at home. 

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

my boy jericho has very little trouble sleeping and is fine with the govt issues firm mattress. he is quiet and still and sleeps deeply. 

Ok! switching universes! these characters are completely disconnected from those three.

Nikola Tchaikova- 

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

I’m not sure she’s ever even tried it. Nikola is a full blown alcoholic and anything that makes her feel more alert is probably not something she’s gonna enjoy. Her natural senses and awareness are absolutely through the roof, so it’s not something she really needs at all. She does like sweets though. Back when she had her family, her and her close companions use to sneak away sometimes and go out to the city for milkshakes and music, and those are probably her fondest memories. 

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

When she was a very young girl she might have worshipped the christian/jewish/muslim god, or at least attempted to. For a young shifter where she grew up, life was rough, and she would have had a hard time finding the meaning in it all. but later in life, after the war, the major religion worshipped shifters and obviously that was ridiculous to her, so she kind of looks down on the whole thing. She might still be a little envious of the purpose and comfort that the worshippers get and that is missing so much from her life, but one of the main gods in their pantheon is based on her kid brother’s best friend. its hard to take that seriously. (the idea is that there were 5 original all powerful shifters who made the real world ones. this is wrong. shifters were a science experiment gotten out of control, and Nikola knows that.)

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

She would pack her knife, which her long dead brother gave her about 1500 years ago. she would take the pendant she wears, which was symbolic of the leadership position she used to hold before the people she was leading were all killed. She has a photo collection that she says never looks at out of fear of the light ruining them. Her best friend made her some copies, but she doesn’t look at those either. I think it hurts her to see the faces of the people she misses. She has a small bag of things tucked into the back of her closet that she never, ever touches or looks at. After the massacre that took her family, Angelo (the only survivor, her best friend) went through the carnage and collected the possessions of their friends. Nikola helped him bury them, but she couldn’t stand to take their things. he gave them to her afterwards, and she’s only every managed to take them out and look at them when she’s so drunk she knows she won’t remember the next day. But she would never leave them behind.

Nix- 

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Domenico “Nix” Tchaikova is Nikola’s son, so half-shifter. Shifters are, by necessity, a bit closer to nature than the rest of us, and even though he has almost no actual form changing abilities animals have always seemed to like him a bit more than his friends. He’s always assumed that it’s because of his prosthetic leg, that they realize he couldn’t chase them if he wanted to, but animals know things, and they can sense that he’s not quite the same as the other humans. 

22. What are their favorite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Nix would never insult someone behind their back- he has a temper, and if you piss him off he’s gonna confront you on the spot. His insults tend not to be physical. he might call you ugly if hes real mad, but hes much more likely to call you a coward or an idiot. He gets hit a lot for this. 

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

No, he’d never tease someone for being genuinely afraid. He knows fear too well to try and use it against people. If somebody he cared about was afraid of something, he would plant his tiny self between them and whatever it was no matter what. hes used to being seen as small and weak and incapable, and its resulted in a stupidly brave boy who gets himself into trouble a lot because he doesnt know when to back down.

Scott-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

My boy!!! This is another one of Nikola’s children, one of the triplets. if you just read her thing, you can probably guess that she wouldn’t be a very good mother. Angelo, his father, was always loving and supportive, but both of his parents were just sad people who weren’t really prepared to raise three children. They grew up in the century before the war broke out, in a political climate that feared and hated them, among countless news stories of people like them being murdered and hunted. but Nikola still managed to give them a reasonably normal childhood. She found a place to settle down, near enough to a city that they could socialize and explore but far enough away they they grew up in the woods and could explore their natural abilities without being hunted down by hate groups. 

He has a lot of good memories! pretty much all of them are him doing dumb shit with his siblings. they used to use their shifting to break into concerts or fly up to the roofs of tall buildings. 

As for bad ones. definitely most of his bad memories are on Nikola’s head. He was the shifter equivalent of about eight years old when he saw her kill somebody for the first time. she didn’t know he was there, but im not sure if knowing would have changed anything. she’s been on a very long, very complicated vengeance quest since before he was born. She had tracked somebody down, and he watched while she slowly cornered him. You could practically smell the terror coming off the man as she drew her blade, moving towards him as she spoke. He had never heard her talk about the deaths of her family before, and as she told her prey all about how she had come home to find her kid brother on the floor with his throat slit open, there was something in her voice that he would never forget for the rest of his life. then he watched his mother put a knife through the bottom of the man’s jaw into his brain. he saw the light go out of his eyes, and he saw the absolute emptiness in his mother’s when she turned around. He ran as fast as he could back to his siblings and cried, but never told them what he saw. 

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

He can sing!!! he has a voice like an angel and he loves to use it. he plays about twenty instruments- hes had a long time to learn- and he always carries at least one on him. he can use weaponry and is good at it, but doesnt enjoy it. 

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

He doesn’t cry often. He doesn’t care if his siblings see him cry- theyre all so close its like crying in private- but with other people he doesnt like it. He just gets quiet when he’s sad. He’s not the moodiest of his siblings(that title goes to Lynx) but they all inherited something from their parents that makes them quiet, serious people on the whole. He feels deeply and thinks about things. Hes bisexual. I know that doesn’t go here but its important. He cried after he slept with a man for the first time, not because he was upset with himself about the gay thing but because he’d let himself fall for a human. The boy’s name was Jacob, and he didn’t understand but tried to comfort him anyways because he cared about Scott. They dated for a while, but Scott couldn’t handle knowing he would age and die so quickly and broke it off. Jacob was 43 when he was killed in a bombing during the war. Funerals had stopped happening at that time, people unable to keep up with all the dead. But there were still graves, and Scott visited Jacob’s for years afterwards. 

Hero-

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

She looks a lot like her mom. about 5′7, muscular, strong features. She got her dads eyes though, the only one of her siblings to have them. Scott and Lynx and Nix all have Nikki’s distinctive golden-ringed brown. She likes her body fine, its a good and strong body. she likes that shes not the shortest of her siblings(lynx is tied and nix is smaller) but other than that she doesnt really care. 

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

She was never much of a reader, and the only tv she ever got to see was when there was one on in a restaurant. She did enjoy films though, and her favorites were action. She got a certain something from Nikola that neither Scott or Lynx has, something kind of cold and fierce. Whatever it was that Scott saw in his mom’s eyes when she killed that man, exists in Hero too. Nix too, but less so. She would have liked video games a lot if she’d ever had the chance to really get into them.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She never went to school. Her father taught her to read and write, as well as everything he thought she needed to know about the world. She spent her childhood wandering with her siblings, and most things she needed to know she got from that. All three of them had been planning on going to college, but the war came before they got the chance. But I think if she’d gotten the chance she would have had an interest in something technical. Engineering or architecture maybe. 

Lynx-

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

God I love Lynx. He would never, ever become a parent, but I think he would be a good one. Out of all of her children, Lynx inherited the most of Nikola’s sadness. In non dramatic terms she gave him her tendencies towards mental illness and its something hes struggled with his whole life. His siblings are a wonderful support system but he knows that any child of his would struggle like he has, and he has so many unhappy memories of Nikola’s misery that he would be too afraid. But children do like him, and he likes them. He’s a fun, playful person when he’s feeling good, and is absolutely delighted to discover he has a little brother. obviously hes got the same terror of losing him, but he has pushed those feelings tf down. he just wants to enjoy their relationship while he can. hes a wonderful, sweet, caring boy whos full of love and good times, but too scared of himself to ever be a parent.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

When he’s happy, everybody knows it. He is an absolute delight. he does dance, actually. when hes happy he does it more but also its just a thing hes good at and loves to do. humans who see it know theres something not quite natural about the way he moves, and hes beautiful to watch when hes using it to express joy. He has bright eyes and a smile that makes you feel like you are safe and loved and that everything in the entire world is gonna be ok. 

44. What is their favorite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

He loves any time of the year where it’s warm enough to wear skirts and loose, light shirts. The wintertime makes his depression worse, and a lot of years he and his siblings will head south to avoid it. but he loves warm breezes and cool nights by a fire, loves seeing the flowers in the spring and all the new baby animals. he isn’t at all a complainer, but when the weather is affecting him badly it’s easy to tell. he gets quiet, which is not something he is a lot. 

Dear Markiplier

*throws confetti/blows noisemaker* HAPPY BIRTHDAY @markiplier YOU FABULOUS HOOMAN BEAN!!!! (ur 4 moths younger than me *quietly fangirls*)

I can’t art or anything but I can write, so. I’ve been a fan of yours since about 2013, and I’m really happy I discovered you. And it’s so heartwarming to read your video comments and see that you were/are a lifeline for so many people. I can’t claim the same, but I do know my life is a lot better with you in it.

I touched on some of this in my donation comment for AbleGamers, but I don’t know if it gets to you and I wanted to expand on it a little bit. (it’s so weird spending a happy b-day comment talking about myself but???)

(this gets ramble-y so have a read more and my apologies to mobile dashes)

 I’m a twin. My brother David died in 2009, right before our 20th birthday, when his heart gave out from fighting Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, a genetic, incurable muscle-wasting disease. I will always be a twin. That’s how it works.Duchenne is a rare form of MD that only affects boys. Most DMD boys don’t live past 25, but my brother and I were born 3 months premature (I have moderate cerebral palsy bc of that) so that hastened the progression. By 7 he could no longer walk, though he could still use his hands and upper body.

D and I were lucky enough to be homeschooled by our parents and I am eternally grateful for everything that gave us. It also meant we were together nearly every minute of the day. We had differing interests, of course, but we also had a lot in common. Like... video games. My older-by-11-years sister got an NES for one of her birthdays, and we still had it when bro and I turned 8 (and still have it today actually). That year my brother needed glasses. Turned out the headaches he’d been having were a result of poor eyesight. At that point we’d watched my sister play NES for years (there’s a pic of toddler me derping around with a disconnected controller next to sis) but never played ourselves. The minute my brother wheeled into the front hall, brandy-new glasses on, the first thing he said was “I wanna play Nintendo.” So we fired up Mario Bros. 1 and he was 10000% hooked forever. I was the observer, sitting by biting my nails whenever the “running out of time” jingle played; I don’t think I started playing until we got Nintendo 64 for one of our birthdays, with Mario Kart. And I didn’t play by myself until Ocarina of Time came out. We even played that “together”, me consulting the strategy guide and using the “C” buttons during boss fights while he moved and swung the sword.

Pokemon arrived, I got a Game Boy Color with Pokemon Yellow when I was ten, next thing you know bro and I are Pokemon experts/fans/cultists and IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE. We were console/Nintendo devotees for sure, though we had a handful of computer games later on too.

All this is to say that gaming was a huge part of our lives and still is in mine. I’ve branched out to PC gaming (still with a controller, as my hands are not dexterous enough for mouse+keyboard gaming), and several of those games I learned about through YOU, lovely Markimoo!! Dead Space (an hour in, too scared to go back for now) Undertale. To the Moon (the only one I’ve completed, also AUGH MY FEELS). Transistor. Even Outlast, which I haven’t even Steamstalled yet bc I’m legit terrified (D was the horror movie/game fan, I had to watch through my fingers at Resident Evil 4; he patiently put up with my screeching).

So, yeah. 2013 was year 4 of After David. The pain’s never going away, it will just dull. I found a lot to sustain me through the years. I don’t remember 99% of 09, 2012 was also awful grief-wise, for some reason. ’13 was more of an up year. I can’t recall how I discovered you, guess it was my YT account recommended videos. I knew about LPs for a while but never much cared until “ohhhh I can watch games I’m not gonna buy but wanna know about!!” pretty sure my intro to you was an Amnesia compilation and then Electronic Super Joy (where I tripped and faceplanted onto a massive crush on your voice and then you im so sorry). So I can’t say I’ve always been there or I’ve seen every one of your vids but *shrugs*

you made memories come back I hadn’t thought about much because they hurt. D and I screaming and hollering over whatever games we played, D patting my arm saying “it’s ok Juj” every time I freaked out trying RE4’s first level, attending our first Pokemon convention for its 10th anniversary… and so many memories didn’t hurt anymore bc your enthusiasm and joy and epic silliness reminded me of happiness, not sadness. And when you cried I could cry with you, over similar and different things. Which reminds me, your 6mil subscriber gift video? That one song and your reaction to it single-handedly made me want to play To The Moon. And also cry buckets bc the lyrics are… very relevant. I only joined Steam a few months ago, having got a new computer with better hardware and running into a freaking $1.99 sale of the Tomb Raider reboot which almost made me buy a new console just for it but yay I didn’t have to I DIGRESS SORRY.

So I refused to watch more than part 1 of your TTM LP, I wanted to experience it for myself and boy howdy that was the right decision. [spoilers ahead if anyone’s still reading *sweating*] By the time Everything’s Alright started playing in context? After everything that happened in-game?? I was a goddamn mess and didn’t go back until a week later and then!!! The big reveal of Joey being restored in Johnny’s memories in place of River destroyed my heart.. TTM brought up so many questions. If I could have D back, but lose another important person in my life… if it wasn’t even real… would I take the opportunity? And River coming back… maybe my memories too would restore that other person, but it wouldn’t change my life as I’d lived it. I can’t never bring David back, DMD-free or otherwise.

“He’ll only have one brother.” So many heartrending moments but THAT LINE. That one hit my soul because I’ve been through it. I knew TTM would be emotional but had no idea that it would speak to me more personally than anything I’ve ever played. And I probably wouldn’t have known about it if not for you, Mark.

I don’t even know if you’ll see this, or read to the end if you do see it. But I had to let this out, and hope you do see it and know you’ve touched yet another person’s life. And I really really think that if D were alive today, he’d be your fan too.

Love and appreciation,

JujYFru1T, aka RitsukaYukiLuvr on YT, aka Julia

☀ 100 questions no one really asks ☀

i was tagged by @batsysims , thank you ! 😊

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

i sleep with it closed !! it’s mainly so one of my younger sisters doesn’t go in there tbh 

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i’ve never actually stayed at a hotel so no djghdfgbd

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? out?? whenever i do sleep with a sheet on my bed, because i tend to not remake my bed so i generally sleep without a sheet for a while which i know isnt good for you so im trying to break that :/ 

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? i considered it once, bc i was walking to my friends place on new years eve and i saw a street sign that fell in a storm , and i almost took it.. except i still had 10 more mins until i got to her house , and i didnt want to have the possibility of getting caught . also ?? idk how  i wouldve brought it home on the bus 

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?  y e! but i dont use them enough ngl 

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? nah, but my mom does that v often . and i often have a bunch of coupon reciepts / punch cards from different places that i always forget about 

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? i have a few !! primarily on my arms and legs, and a few on my face,, i never really had many until last year 

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? yes?? im p bad at smiling for photos tho ngl 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? when someone asks me to do something, and then i say sure.. and then they repeat it like 2 mins later and im like.. fa m, now i dont wanna 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? sometimes ! a lot of the time i end up focusing on not stepping on cracks tho?? idk it’s a weird habit i started sometime last year that im trying not to do 

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? nah

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? nah 

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? sometimes yeah ! i tend to if im dancing with one of my siblings tho , like just grabbing their hands and making them dance with me 

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yupyupyupyup :/

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? 0 x 0 = 0 

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? a single? i dk it’s small and sucks ng l 

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? u  h h h  h h h  , probably are we there yet?  - ingrid michaelson 

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yupyup! ! ! 

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? yup ! voltron is actually currently one of my favorite shows , but i also watch su and several other cartoons ! i also watch anime when i feel like it but not as often as i used to 

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? minions 

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? idek ?? defos not anywhere in this town that’s fo sure 

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? depends ! sometimes water, sometimes milk, sometimes juice. but generally i try to avoid drinking anything while eating and have a drink afterwards

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? i usually dont dip them in anything , but depending on my mood: mayo or ketchup 

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? pizza ! 

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? u h h , titan ae , the fifth element, any barbie movies and more tbh 

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? i cant remember? i probably kissed my brother on the forehead but idk 

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? nope

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? i wrote a letter in my friends’ birthday cards. 

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? nope : /

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? djhsd i dont even have my G2 yet and cant even drive so o o 

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? nope 

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? meat, pickles, and cheese 

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? toast + chocolate milk 

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? 11 or 12 (altho my sleeping schedule has been fucked for the past week) 

37. ARE YOU LAZY? lmao yeah 

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was once a goth fairy, a dead nerd and a lady bug ! those are the ones i remember off the top of my head fgjfdgd 

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? tiger ! 

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? i can only speak english, but i have a vague understanding of french 

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nope

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? wtf are lincoln logs  update: i’ve never played with lincoln logs in my life so legos 

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? very

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? ?? idk 

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? when i was younger and my mom would ,yup 

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? very ! 

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? yup ! often when me and 3 of my friends hand out we will drive around and listen to musicals + other music ! 

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? if im listening to music yuppers ! 

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? same as 47 ^ 

50. EVER USED A GUN? nope

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? last se

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? sometimes, but i still really enjoy them so !! 

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? oh boi yeah, esp because of all the kids in my house + my mom’s family, and this year i’ll be dog sitting around that time so this year is gonna be f u n 

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? not authentic ones, but yeah ! altho im allergic to potatoes so i dont eat them v much at all anymore 

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? i dont like pie actually :/

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? i always wanted to be a teacher ! since like grade 3, but now i want to be a graphic designer , but tbh being a history teacher would be fun as well ! 

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yeah i do 

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? all the time 

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? nah :/  i probs should lmao 

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nope 

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? nah 

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? justin bieber in grade 8 i think ?? 

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart bc there’s no more targets in canada.. otherwise, target

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? niether 

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? cheetos... idk what fritos are lmao 

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? neither tbh 

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? no 

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? i wanted to but never did “/

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? idk ?? 

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? i dont think so ? 

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? i think i was in one once?? but i dont remember it ?? did i win who knows

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? oh yeah boi 

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nope,  but my dad owns a lot !  

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? my dad does ! 

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? nah, but my mom does ! 

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? i think so? ? 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? real friends, hanson, set it off and more tbh 

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? same as 63

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!! !! ! ! ! ! !

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? sugar cookies !! 

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? nah lmao im shit 

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? yup

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? depends ! im p patient with kids, but have no patience when it comes to being late or waiting on someone. 

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? band probs

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? i once won a 4ft cat in the hat from my local short stop when i was 4 

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nah  89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? neither 

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i learned how to crochet once?? but i forgot it so neither lmao 

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? livingroom or bedroom 

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? sort off? ?

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? no

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? uh  h h  m  , currently crushing on someone actually lmao 

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? no?? 

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope 

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? yup ! ! 

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? pink !! ! ! ! !  !

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? sort off?? i miss my old best friend and i feel sort of disconnected rn with everyone

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? uhhh , idk who’s done this so i guess @geekmoodlet @maimouth @applezingsims @simprising @shook-sims if you’ve already done it then just ignore this ! ! ! 😝

I finished!!! game time was like something like 138 hours but I spent a good dozen or so hours pausing the game to check my phone or wandering off to make dinner. 

I this said last night in a sleepy 4am haze, but I really enjoyed the ending. It was fun to play. The only time I died was when I accidentally fell into a chasm bc I didn’t realize a goddamn fiend was gonna come barreling out of the hall and ruin my “melee everything” scheme and I scooted myself right off a dang platform and respawned directly in its mouth. Whoops. When the Archon called up the Architect I was very Oh god not another one but then I didn’t have to actually try to kill it ever just avoid it, so that was fine. I LOVED how everyone came out to help at the end. It always seems unbelievable to me that your pals are content to hang back for the boss fight (ME2 I thought did well with having everyone else away on different tasks, and the ME3 citadel mission where everyone goes together is one of my favorite parts of the trilogy). And getting to run around with Kandros (who i love but duty calls and we can never be together) and Reyes (im still Very Sad i had to break up with him) and the Salarians!! and then your team coming in at the end :333 ah. It was a very feel-good, exciting culmination, and I think it fit the tone of the rest of the story well. Part of me was half-expecting disaster like you have to sacrifice Scott or a bunch of citizens or something, and while I eat that sort of tragedy up, I’m glad there wasn’t any for this game. 

Incidentally, all of my screenshots of Scott somehow turned out like this, and so I’ve decided this is a chronic problem his whole life and he has 0 good photos ever even when the rest of the fam comes out lookin great:

ah, Scott. someday i’ll play as him with this Ryder as his sister and it’s gonna have to be a wild ride.

Romance: I romanced Vetra!! I love her a lot as a character but I just kept wishing for more content. And I know I always crave more romancey content but I did feel like her romance arc had a lot less than what I knew people were getting from Jaal’s, especially because it takes you over halfway into the game before you get anything from it. Four flirt opportunities where she doesn’t really flirt back, my Ryder was dying and convinced her crush would never be reciprocated (hence the brief fling with Reyes). But I did LOVE the scenes you do finally get with her, the climbing date was soooo sweet, and I could not stop laughing when she tries to make you dinner. I’m never telling my beautiful girlfriend she doesn’t know how to cook steak. NEVER. she did it perfectly, i love cow. But I just wish there was a scene where YOU could do something for HER. Lexi even tells you that you should show her she’s appreciated and doesn’t have to take care of everyone all the time to be worthy of being liked but then you... never get a chance in game to really do that. Sigh. I definitely have a lot of inner-headcanoning going on for thier relationship. Though Vetra wants to eventually settle down and have a home and i’m... not so sure that’s in the cards for this Ryder. I may tweak the characterization of my Vetra-romance-ryder in some ways and redo this Ryder with Reyes for real next time. I think next up is gonna be a Jaal playthough though.

But, OVERWHELMINGLY, the relationship I was absolutely most fascinated by the whole game and spent way more time thinking about than romance, was the relationship between Ryder and SAM. I went into endgame thinking that the game really hadn’t gotten into that aspect nearly as much as I wanted, AND THEN!!! SAM GETS DISCONNECTED! And it’s revealed they took over WAY more control of the Pathfinder’s physiology than anyone had even guessed!! it’s not just “SAM can take access of enough systems to stop and then restart your heart” it was “SAM is so intertwined with you that they are integrated into these systems already and their absence makes it almost impossible for the Pathfinder to cope without.” I LOVED IT. I was so ready to address that, like, did Ryder know? Did SAM do it by choice or was it just an effect of Alec’s modifications? 

And then... nothing. You’re linked back up with SAM. No one questions it. You don’t get to talk to Scott about how SAM is different for you than him now. Or at least, not that I’ve found??? to be fair I can’t seem to find Scott post-endgame yet (where is he hiding???? i’ve been all over Meridian after leaving/going back), and I still need to go check out the colonies and see what people there have to say. But it really seems like everyone sort of was like “whew, glad that’s sorted out, SAM’s back and htis could never possibly be an issue again so we will all forget about it and never bring it up again.” There was one colonist before (Fawkes) who was one of the only non-main characters to ask a really detailed question about SAM/what the future of AI is gonna look like in Heleus and I was so psyched for that convo. There’s a couple dialogue responses you can take, I went with:

becuase I really like the idea that Ryder starts to think of themselves as not just Ryder, but a Ryder-And-SAM partnership. There’s a lot of sacrifice in that. You’re admitting that your body is not just You anymore, but a team where both sides are valued.

I’ve spent a lot of the game thinking about Ryder’s internal dialogues with SAM, and the dynamic it would add to their relationship. You don’t have a voice that lives inside your head (and gives you its 100% undivided attention while you’re in the field) and not end up talking to it all the time. SAM asks you questions back on the Tempest when you talk to them and I bet they would when out and about as well, just privately. There’s a line in one of the Vaults where Ryder starts talking to herself and then catches it--

--because she gets more and more accustomed to not being the only one in her head. SAM is always there. More than that, they always have your back, and are ready to feed you whatever you need to get the mission done. They’re not just a voice, they’re a tool; and they’re not just a tool, they’re a support system. Maybe Ryder knows just how intertwined SAM is becoming with theer body, and isn’t just aware, but welcomes it. The Ryders are a fucked up family who aren’t good at talking to each other, but SAM means you never have to be alone again. Someone is always there for you, protecting and watching out for you. 

So in the final mission, when SAM is ripped away from Ryder--it’s not just a physical effect. It’s like losing a part of your soul and a best friend and a, in some ways, a parent--because SAM learned through Alec Ryder before anyone else--and in other ways, a child--because Ryder is responsible for teaching SAM what it means to be a person and how to navigate the world. And I wish you could convey that emotional distress (even if less complex) in the game, and that Ryder was as worried for SAM’s well being as they are for Scott’s when they race to stop the Archon. Becuase in a lot of ways, I think my Ryder would have grown closer to same than she ever did with her brother.

Anyway, I wish the game hadaddressed these things more, but I also accept that like--this is a trope that I just am REALLY into and have been for ages. It’s not gonna be what everyone wants as the main focus, and it just wasn’t the big story they were trying to tell. At the beginning of the game the descriptions of SAM hyped me up so hard because they reminded me very strongly of my favorite short story, Silently And Very Fast by Catherynne Valente (which, if you haven’t read it, it’s really amazing and you can read the first part here (the other 3 parts are linked at the bottom of each chapter), or I can send a pdf of it if you want, it’s really good people read it please and then tell me about your Emotions). The story veered off not long into the plot of the game (I, along with many others, suspected for a while that SAM would turn out to be like the mother’s consciousness integrated into the AI or something) but I stayed pretty invested in it as a major part of my Ryder’s experience in Heleus. 

And like, I guess this would be something I’ll probably end up doing fic about now since the game didn’t give me as much as I wanted (and I only meant to write a short paragraph about it here and now i have like 9 whoops), so I’ll probably keep thinking about it with the rest of my Ryders. There’s so much potential there. Jade Ryder really grew attached to SAM, but there’s also potential for resentment there--SAM is always watching, Ryder essentially gives up any aspect of privacy in their life, even if SAM is polite enough not to comment on it.

wow this got away from me. anyway. that’s the game!!!!! i’m running around making sure i’ve talked to everyone still. I need to go check up on the colonies and stuff, but I did pretty much everything else before the last mission, so there’s not much to play. Just some assignments that don’t have navpoints. and then start thinking about my next Ryder!!! I played Jade Ryder as pretty logical and professional, with a tendency to open up more with people as she grew to know them better, though she struggled to be open/heartfelt when talking to Angara when her natural conversation style with them flopped hard at first. I think my next Ryder who I still need to name is gonna be way more casual/joke-y (tho i think Ryder is HILARIOUS no matter what, it’s so fun to have such a lighthearted protag) and probably more reckless and prone to following their whims. Gonna have to re-battle the CC though which I’m not so much looking forward to. 

oh also re: the second picture: i FUCKING LOVE that you beat the architect on Elaaden so hard it shoots itself into orbit and slowly decays and you can just sit there and watch it slowly fizzle in the cold vacuum of space

is fact time

holy fuck lets try im ready to die . how many fcking facts!

Eisuke’s favorite animal is an Owl! He thinks theyre super cute and those are probably the only videos hes seen online.

Eisuke is so disconnected from tech outside cameras and basics online. He probably has a flip phone. 

Scorpio boy. November 18th birthday much like all my ocs. 18 power. 

Eisuke likes cats and dogs but prefers dogs a bit more

This is more an ooc fact but when i first made eisuke luke misheard me and called him acegay so i sometimes say that joke to myself

His family is pretty average; Mom- Yuriko, Dad-Hotaka, and his lil bro Yuusuke [the name was from a friend who heard the previously mentioned joke- Yousgay orz]

What is his sexuality? He doesn’t think about it much. He’s too wrapped up in work to really consider it. Confused as shit basically.

A decent cook! Mainly simple foods honestly but he’s not bad at it! Used to making ‘on the go’ food since he spends so much time away from home. 

He speaks Japanese [obvs] and some very basic Chinese and English. Mainly business terms and such- travel and online communication of course. He could never hold a real conversation.

IF u cant tell from his blog’s background his fav season is fall. It’s really gorgeous in japan and he adores taking pictures of it. Not that he hates the others, but it’s especially pretty. 

Eisuke can and will sleep anywhere. He’s probably slept in a tree at least once. 

Eisuke has no idea why people think freckles are cute. He is a mess w/ them everywhere he just thinks theyre normal. 

Eisuke is HORRENDOUS at strategy games of any kind. Kick his ass at chess.

How does his hair do the shit it does? Who knows! Eisuke thinks it looks cool. But really its just another joke cause i thought he looked like a Tales of Character and i was too attached to it. He likes it though.

Eisuke almost exclusively wears hiking boots. He’s rough on his shoes and they stand up to stupid shit.

HE always /always/ carries his camera w/ him. 

Along w/ that he’s got a lil pocket notepad too. Always prepared.

Theres like. No animals i can think of that Eisuke hates. He’s a child who loves all animals. 

Music! Uh well considering his limited time w/ stuff he only listens to things that are what his family or classmates listen to. He doesn’t really look music up on his own. Opposite of me living on music orz

this isnt a fact but i was looking at the kpk facts i did and ‘ [x files theme plays] If he dies here I won’t have to answer this’ < still true

He bites his lips and fingernails a bit

His room is a awful mess most of the time. When he feels up to cleaning it it looks fantastic but it doesnt take long for it to get messy again

The most patient temper ever known to man [is that even a proper wording? it takes a lot to get him angry] 

Eisuke is both a morning person and a night owl- it really dpeends on the situation. He loves the early mornings- reason below- but he also likes the nighttime.

Loves sunrises ! Thinks they are super pretty and a fair amoutn of his pictures are those. 

knows nothing about furries. Nothing. 

Tarot wise- Strength i  feel. I may b bad at tarot but hikaru makes me pay attention

eisuke has never had alcohol. hes stuck on rules and wont drink till hes 20.

Likes strawberries. wishes they werent so expensive ; -;  [me too buddy]

Colorwise... stylish blue actually. Green is liked but well . blue is the fav

b prepared for some weird ass movements because eisuek emotes more visually than i can draw orz 

Gets really invested in shit he watches, so much so he tends to not really watch much of anything 

loud noises startle him, another reason he prefers being out in the natural shit world. Not as loud.

i am running out of facts fuck!!!!!!!

the worst big brother ever. He’s trying, but holy shit hes bad at that.