#im unhappy with so many things about myself rn and its on me the fucking dork to fix all of them. miss me with that
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sometimes wish i could like. kms temporarily like kenny southpark. like i just press a button and explode and then wake up the next day with all my stats replenished to 50% like "well got that out of my system time to face the day"
#admin rambles#might delete later idk its kind of funny but it sounds too serious for my liking#that post that goes 'college is a joke until mid november shit aint funny anymore after that' is very real#i also need to make myself food but im tired and its midnight and im just uhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#im unhappy with so many things about myself rn and its on me the fucking dork to fix all of them. miss me with that
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man it's just so fucked up that i need to get out of my comfort zone and actively make changes in my life in order to live the dream life lmao :/
#nsjsjhshdbshhshshhdhd fuck i will never live the life i want huh#i dont even know what is my /dream life/ but like#i feel like i wont really be able to do the things i want to or just idk be fulfilled and happy#me: i wanna fo so many things in my life#me: doesn't take any action in anything even in the littlest and most basic things i can change#me: doesnt even think about how i can achieve these things#me: instead feels depressed because life is scary and i wont be able to do any of the stuff i want#wow its almost like . i just sit there and wait for something to happen instead of doing things#and i know its not going to get me anything i knowwww i just#1) dont know exactly how i can do the things i want. idek what i want exactly#2) i dont believe even if i try ill be successful#3) i love sabotaging myself#4) im uncomfortable with changes and im so used to myself being unhappy i cant even imagine a change in that#5) god i don't know im so confused#all i know is. hhh if my life keeps going in this same direction i will just end up unhappy and lonely#anyway. maybe i should just focus on getting stuff done and keeping my life ok rn#((but i feel like my biggest problem is i never think about the future. i dont have plans or anything))#((and my strategy of dealing with this anxiety is not thinking about the future huh))#rants#neg
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Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.
To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.
Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.
And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.
I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.
I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.
As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.
And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.
My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.
I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.
And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.
I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.
Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.
Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.
Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.
Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.
#long post#like long long post#rambling#tw csa#tw grooming#tw suicide attempt#vent#ramble#oof#yeah#mine#actually traumatized#trauma#autistic#depression#ptsd#c ptsd#maybe i dont fucking know#dissociation#traumatized#derealization#depersonalization#online csa#rip to me i guess lmao
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Hey tumblr its 1:26 am and I'm having a nervous breakdown! Time to overshare!!
Im scared of school starting. I feel like ice had all this time to myself and I've been able to build myself up and figure things out about myself. As soon as it starts my energy will be completely absorbed by it and ill loose myself again, and I'll forget how to be happy again
Also ill never amount to anything. I have no passion for things that make money and society will deem me useless and discard me. Any skill I have i feel someone else can do it better and more passionately. I want to pour myself into everything I do, and be authentic and potent and kind, but i feel like I'll have nothing left of me and will be forgotten and hated
I also want to die! Im so unhappy with my situation. I have no control over anything. J hate my voice, my body, and I have so many problems im not allowed to solve. I desperately need testosterone but no one gives a fuck. My parents will not acknowledge my needs, and I cant hold out until im 18. Im going to die, and theres nothing I cant do to srop it. Very tempted to cut, amd also stav myself in the throat rn, but im worried I'd survive and that would probably be pretty awkward. Also throat scar? Peopoe would ask about it. And my school would think im cringe
Speaking of being cringe im a fucking cosplayer for minecraft birches. I make homemade costumes of men that play videogames for a living and dance to tiktok songs. I've also been conditioned to believe that all my interests are shameful anyway, so basically im terrified
Now im shaking
Im also reaching a break with my psychosis! I feel like im being pulled away from this world and into another. I hear people talking like they're trying to break through to me and bring me back. I see people outside my windows and in my house. Im being watched
Its 1:35 am and I have band first thing tomorrow
I want to cry but im so emotionally nukb I won't be able to
I just wsnt to cut, and the fact that I'd be hurting myself which is unhealthy isn't even the thing keeping me from it. Im worried it would be fuxking cringey. Why do I give a shit? I'm so tired of being judged. I dont qant to be treated like am outcast anymore but I have no godamn idea how to make normal connections with people
I just want to be dead. I want to stop existing, everything j do and enjoy amd am is erong. Why was I even born? I feel like I wasn't supposed to exist
So yeah rhats tonight's rant im still shaking and about to have a panic attack, bye
Also don't worry about me im mot gonna kill myself tonight I promised a friend id outlive putin
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some cr stuff I wanna get off my chest that is under the cut for those who dont want to read it bcuz its long
I dont think I'll ever see Caduceus as an m9 member. that may be harsh to say but considering he came from losing someone I hold so close to me it just really stings. I've gotta whole "how dare you stand were he stood" thing going on in my head rn. im sure if we met clay any other way I would adore him but I dont think I ever can. even if I force myself to like him there will always be that stain. I think it stems with just how shitty molly staying gone is.
and like heres the thing !! I understand the whole "characters should stay dead" thing! bcuz ya the threat of death nulls in the story after that point. but heres the darn tootin thing about that : its very different when its scripted to when your fate is determined by random dice rolls ! ! so I understand where tal might be coming from but, molly's death wasnt planned, it's okay for him to come back. that's why rezzing exists in the damn game. molly is a PC with such character and potential I hate that hes being thrown away like this.
I think it urks me the most bcuz in the VM campaign so many of them died as well and were brought back right away so the excuse of “oh we gotta move on after a loss” is bs to me. im only on ep 50 and they have already done 2 on screen rezzes after full death. yes i understand that VM was together longer than the M9 but they could have tried!! Beau and Caleb clearly wanted to try !!
I've seen a lot of mixed reactions of if he'll get rezzed or not and I want to be hopeful!! but idk if I can trust Tal :/ I personally feel like molly is being thrown away. I cant and dont want to speak for Tal and his intentions but yikes it hurts to see a character you care about so much be so blatantly forgotten and thrown out.
another thing that's really bugging me is on the topic of metagaming. the one FUCKing time they should have metagamed and not gone after lorenzo they dont god damn stop and think “hey maybe we DONT do this bcuz matt clearly only had this plot line happen bcuz 3 of our players are missing” instead they get molly killed. and then they metagame to respect taliesin’s wishes to keep molly gone and forget about him. im sorry but w t f. As i said before Beau and Caleb kept wanting to ask about rezzing but it seems like Marisha and Liam took over and stopped that avenue from continuing
If they had just kept the fucking cart.
i kinda think the cast forgets the reach they have on their audience and the impact of their characters. like of course we the audience have no rights or have any say in what these PC’s think or do but im allowed to say it fucking sucks when such a pivotal character is being forgotten. it sucks a lot and im really damn unhappy. I dont think i’ll ever understand why taliesin doesnt want to fight for molly but i guess its not my place to know. I know he was so ready to accept percy’s death in the briarwood arc even before they really got into it
LIKE HOW FUCKING D O P E would it be if matt made everyone but taliesin leave the table and he describes how molly wakes up feeling a familiar cold and heavy darkness of the earth and has him roll a wisdom save to see how much memory he gets back when he crawls out of the dirt. BUT NOPE NAAAAHHH keep the purple fuck dead bcuz ~grim dark~
I know molly is never coming back and that sucks. it really sucks to see a character i love sm be thrown away with no fight to even try to get him back in anyway. all in favour of this grim dark tone that i hate.
Molly was such an important piece of the M9 it feels cheap to just replace him like this.
sorry this has just been really bugging me i still havent watched past ep 28 bcuz i keep getting really sad. I wish i was okay by now but im really really not. I want to be okay and watch the show but it still really hurts with him gone
theres so much that could have been that is now lost
#im avoiding saying his full name bcuz i dont want it in the c/r tags#sorry if yall are tired of my sad salty ass#im just so mad#fuck#dont mind me im still crying over him
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92 Truths Tag
RULES: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged..
I’ve been tagged by @bangtan-chats-and-memes (thank you so much !!)
LAST:
Drink: why, only the most exciting exotic unique rare drink ever ... water
Phone call: initiated by me: my dad for permission to go to the mall / not initiated by me: my parents to check up on my sisters and i at home
Text message: i sent a screenshot of “jelly garden“ (candy crush rip-off) to my group chat with the caption “totally original / definitely not some chinese rip-off“
Song you listened to: l o v e s c e n a r i o by ikon. i was obsessed with momoland’s “bboom bboom” for a while too
Time you cried: ive teared up (because my eyes burn looking at things randomly), but the last time i let the tears fall was probably for/about Jonghyun.
HAVE YOU EVER
Dated someone twice: no remotely romantic relationships here
Been cheated on: see above
Kissed someone and regretted it: you’d need to have kissed to regret kissing (no)
Lost someone special: it’s circumstantial
Been depressed: the most ive felt was extreme stress, and thats not anywhere close to depression, so nope
Been drunk and thrown up: i can’t not according to the Law, i am an obeyer (?) of the law sometimes probably
IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU
Made a new friend: ive gotten more comfortable with my friends’ friends this year, and began speaking to @allthingstaekook and @garekinanase97 a lot more !!
Fallen out of love: you need to have been in it to fall out of it, haha!
Laughed until you cried: oh definitely
Met someone who changed you: friends/family changed me while i was being made... does that make sense? they molded me more than changed me
Found out who your true friends are: for sure, hopefully (for sure)
Found out someone was talking about you: my second eldest sister probably, who tells her friends about me? for some reason? bc that makes sense to her?? somehow ????
GENERAL
How many people in Tumblr do you know in real life?: no one and i don’t mind lol (i suck at social interaction)
Do you have any pets?: nope, bc its too much of a responsibility (my parents words, paraphrased, not mine)
Do you want to change your name?: not really... never thought about it, but i don’t mind changing or not changing it
What time did you wake up this morning?: 7:28 am
What were you doing last night?: procrastinating the fUCk out of my english rant thats due on fRIdAy and im probably gonna restart aGAIn
Name something you cannot wait for: summer vacation probably
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: there was a kid named Thomas at my elementary school who did weather reports for probably 5+ years
What’s getting on your nerves right now?: MY UNABLITY TO DO WORK AND FINISH A SIMPLE ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT LIKE WHATS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT IT XIAO HOW HARD CAN IT BE (REALLY FCUKING HARD APPARENTLY)
Blood type: ive got... no idea
Nickname: i use my chinese name “xiao” here (even though no one seems to use it) bc i dont trust the internet very much yet.
Relationship status: tis i, a lonely single bean
Zodiac sign: gemini! ive never went out of my way to look at it, but when i do, i dont relate very much
Pronouns: she/her
Favourite show: uhhhh i dont watch... shows? cartoons, maybe (phineas and ferb, spongebob, fairly odd parents). the only kdrama ive finished was the guardians, and it was pretty good.
College: nope, im practically a baby still
Hair colour: was black and always has been
Do you have a crush on someone?: ive had a crush before. rn... i not sure what i feel
What do you like about yourself?: im pretty happy with how i turned out. i’ve only been unhappy about minor physical things. id definitely upgrade my productivity if i were to change anything.
FIRSTS
First surgery: none i can remember
First piercing: my ears when i was 3: begged my aunt to get them pierced. after one ear, i didnt want to anymore, and she ended up bribing me to get it pierced
First sport you joined: swimming? badminton? not too sure
First vacation: to china, but idk if that counts as a vacation since i stayed there for 4-5 years so
First pair of sneakers: hey, kudos to you if you can remember that, bc i cant
RIGHT NOW
Eating: just ate a snickers
Drinking: why, only the most exciting exotic unique rare drink ever ... water
I’m about to: TRY to work on english
Listening to: my playlist shuffled to Married to the Music by SHINee -- so underrated gOD
Want kids: i wanna adopt, so when the kids have more common sense and know when to stop crying and disobeying at random times
Get married: doesnt sound too bad. i picture myself living a pretty basic life, so marriage is probably in the picture somewhere
Career: anytime an adult asks me this question to try to start a conversation... hooo boy, did you make it difficult bc i have no idea. business maybe, editor maybe... idk
WHICH IS BETTER
Lips or eyes: never really thought about this... eyes?
Hugs or kisses: idk what kisses are like, and i seem to try to avoid hugs when offered soooooo ill go for the unknown: kisses
Shorter or taller: o shit ive never thought about this before. i’d like to be taller, or same height, give or take 5 cm
Older or younger: age doesnt equate their behavior. if we’re solely looking at age, give or take 2 years maybe?
Romantic or spontaneous: ooh both
Sensitive or loud: i get loud when im comfortable and passionate, so itd be nice to have a balance, and a counterpart, so.. both
Hookup or relationship: relationship. hookups would not be for me (i think waaay too much into everything)
Troublemaker or hesitant: im pretty indecisive and hesitant, so a counterpart here to urge me to be more ~adventurous~ would be nice
HAVE YOU EVER
Kissed a stranger: nope
Drank hard liquor: nope
Lost contacts/glasses: i dont wear either so
Sex on first date: nope
Broken someone’s heart: not to that extent, but “rejected” (ran away)
Been arrested: nope and hopefully never
Turned someone down: in 6th grade, i ran away from/pointedly ignored 2 confessions and i feel terrible, thinking back. they were good friends, for sure, but i was am emotionally constipated and lack emotional and social intelligence
Fallen for a friend: no... maybe? fallen =/= crushed. crushed, yes
DO YOU BELIEVE
In yourself: most times
Miracles: i believe in chance and possibilities, so you could say i believe in miracles
Love at first sight: attraction yea, but love? of course not
-- la fin --
i tag uh,, @allthingstaekook @4-rmv @gudetaeyeon @fightme-jungkook @yoonjih no pressure though !!
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msa ch3 asks
Anonymous said: I love how msa Izuku comes across as an honest to god cryptid: can't see his face, absolutely the kind of person you'd find at a gas station at 3 am, doesn't want attention, most likely distant cousins with Mothman
msa au is just me fulfilling all of my ‘protagonist is a cryptid’ dreams by making msa izuku as cryptid as possible. favorite character archetype: cryptid
Anonymous said: so the msa au is my life right now thank u for that & I just read through the update twice so thank you for that x2 and I had to go back and look for Izuku and Kirishima's deal when it came up again and realized oh hey Kirishima agreed not to try and stop Izuku from leaving after 3 minutes and they didn't put a time limit on that i wonder if that'll come up again (& then my brain jumped to Izuku using that Forever. "we had a deal" every time it comes up. he cannot be stopped bc kiri promised)
got it in one!! izuku will abuse the wording of that deal forever if he can. good eye!
Anonymous said: relatability of msa izuku: trying, doesnt trust feds, inability to sleep, ready to jump out 4th story window at a moments notice, anti-attention-
that’s msa izuku living the cryptid life of his dreams
Anonymous said: So wait you don't have to answer this if it's a spoiler but the collarbone blood tattoo™ is what's making deku's existence confusing to electronics, maybe?
yep, you got it! normally izuku is able to keep his presence from overtly affecting the electronics around him but scripting really starts messing with them.
Anonymous said: quirkless msa deku anon and can i just say that deku looking eraserhead straight in the eye with lie detector policeman there and him saying "i don't have a quirk" and said policeman not detecting a lie is arguably the best thing i have thought of today.
tsukauchi:
tsukauchi: wh
tsukuachi: how did you even do all of [gestures at ch2 events] that without a quirk?
izuku: it’s a special talent of mine.
Anonymous said: I just read chapter 3 and oh my god oh my god oh my god. Your Izuku is who i aspire to be 24:7. Like everything he says makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. You did good. <3
haha we are all aspiring to izuku’s levels of impromptu sass. im glad you liked the new chapter!
Anonymous said: I'm probs rlly late cuz I Love in GMT+1 which means 9 HOURS of difference but I love your writing. Man, dude, being from beyond time and space, you always manage to create the perfect harmony between comedy and suspense that has you giggling while trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe. Just. OH BOI.
this ask is so funny and sweet at the same time. i love you
@arinrowan said: it's kind of ironic that msa!izuku is exactly the kind of person who would benefit from friendship with/interacting with canon izuku.
msa izuku would benefit from friendship in general but you’re right. he needs the kind of quiet but aggressive support that canon izuku gives
Anonymous said: Cuz I'm trying to see if I can figure this out, by "told me about Kamino Ward", does that mean that Izuku tipped kirishima that that was where bakugou was? How did he know tho, did baku's spirit go to him and tell him that? Did izuku actually play a part in the rescue???? So many questions
THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE... [spoiler alert] is actually ‘yes.’ more soon...
Anonymous said: when they start asking questions abt kamino ward at some point he just gets fed up and says "I JUST DID IT BECAUSE THE GODDAMN CAT WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE. I DONT EVEN LIKE BAKUGOU" and the heroes are like :0? what if, we brought bakugou here?
izuku doesn’t even acknowledge that the kamino ward incident happens it’s like theyre just talking to a brick wall
Anonymous said: Izuku has no control over his own sass anymore and it's glorious?? Says "that'll be 500 yen" and looks surprised at himslef, says "now it's 600 yen" and looks downright mortified, the sass is too much for his smol body, sassmaster izuku ftw
to quote @salvainterra, “i love the fact that izuku never stops even when he himself thinks he should stop.” izuku listens to every nonviolent intrusive thought that crosses his mind and it both incredible and unfortunate. izuku is no longer bound by human limits
Anonymous said: msa izuku is the living embodiment of the "fuck this shit im out" song
ABSOLUTELY
Anonymous said: tbh when msa chapter 3 said that izuku slept 12 hours at nighteye's office, i was guessing that he would just passive aggressively sleep as much as possible for as long as they had him. won't give them the satisfaction of watching him wander around in his holding cell. hes in the middle of the interrogation and he puts his head down and goes to sleep (btw love your work!)
haha no he was just so exhausted he passed out for 12 hours. he hasn’t had a good nights sleep in weeks, as soon as all [gestures at ch2] this was over he just crashed
Anonymous said: Wow the new chapter is great!! Stellar as always. I can't help but imagine what's going on from Izuku's point of view with the spirits. Am I the only one who thinks Aizawa's spirit was trying to apologize or something when Izuku talked about not being forced into anything?
there was definitely some spirit stuff happening... i will say that aizawa’s fox spirit is the one who asked/persuaded izuku to tell aizawa what was Up with his quirk
Anonymous said: tbh i want to see them question izuku with a lie-detector quirk or something. like he'll say something positively ridiculous and everyone's gonna go "wait wtf he's telling the truth??!!?!!?!?!?!?"
hoho... well... buddy im not gonna say anything...
Anonymous said: Hello! I found your works recently and have an insane amount of time in the past few days going through it all, cause is all beautiful. I want to scream at you about all of them but you only get so many words with this so I'll focus on msa rn and I read chapter 3 of msa last night and since then I've been switching laughing at Izuku's sass, crying cause Izuku has so much angst involved him and I just wanna hug him, and screaming cause whAT WAS THAT CLIFFHANGER?!! Just what. Thanks for ur works-A
THANKS, thats the kind of reaction i aim for when i write something. im super happy you liked it!! <3
Anonymous said: Technically his quirk is "Being alive" or "Having a functioning body" but saying that would probably end with the same blank stares. As a side note, in the manga (and canon in general) they mentioned quirks are activated by the 'quirk factor energy' or whatever... Do you think that might mean that people who are quirkless just don't naturally have enough quirk energy to activate their latent quirks? it would also make some sense from an evolutionary standpoint, the glowing baby is from the first
generation that had enough of the qfe to actually manifest their quirk and after that generation the lowering number of quirkless could be attributed to those that have a deficit in the production of said energy and they might actually have latent quirks. The pinky toe missing could be the final mutation that causes them to have enough energy for their quirks to work.. The only issue with the theory I see is OFA not awakening latent quirks with it's energy jumpstart...
i think that’s a pretty good theory! it lines up pretty well w/ the worldbuilding in msa. as for afo, :3c
Anonymous said: Hey uh.. I know this is probably 100% non canon in your AU but I was re-reading your MSA fic and I misread something that made me think that Izuku is actually dead and his body is actually being run by his guardian spirit who possessed his body/took his place when he died... *sweats* Its a really weird.. dark idea but I thought it was sorta cool and you might like it..? um.. I'll just let myself out now
god yeah that would be so dark and everything in msa would actually be even worse than it was before
Anonymous said: When deku explains nighteye's quirk i can only think of that's so raven.
theyre valid questions...
Anonymous said: I spent my break reading the asks sent to you RE: chapter 3 of msa and I cannot stop fucking laughing over "look eraserhead dead in the eyes and tell him you don't have a quirk" thank GOD I'm supposed to be happy and smiley to everyone
honestly, this is conceptually such a powerful moment that i can’t not put it in the fic now
Anonymous said: msa izuka finally get set free but kiri has started following him around. States its official hero business but really just wants to see what other "cool shit" izuka will do.
izuku pulls an Official Cryptid Move (tm) and disappears while walking thru a liminal space
Anonymous said: i love that when aizawa starts asking about deku's quirk he's like, 'screw this i'm answering in riddles now'. this is such a great fic!!
Anonymous said: “It’s a secret,” he says. “A secret that no one knows, that one will suffer, and one-half loathes. Who knows if it’s true or not? The only thing we can confidently say is that it’s one thing that should not be.” Okay, so this is probably one of my favourite little scenes from your fic, partially because it sounds so ominous and badass and makes pretty much no sense. I loved your update, I was so tense the entire time I was reading it, but also giggling hysterically because /Izuku/ just - Izukus
hmm i sure do wonder where izuku got that riddle from... and what it means...
this riddle is just izuku complaining about everything because as long as he’s in this situation, he might as well make it perfectly clear how unhappy he is about EVERYTHING. when else is he going to have an audience for him complaining about his various maladies
Anonymous said: I think that a part thats particularly true to izuku's character is when kirishima makes the observation "damn maybe it IS good we arrested him so he can sleep" & izuku goes into a miniature coma for 12 hours bc being arrested presented the perfect opportunity for him to finally be able to sleep
nfdfsljndslfnjdf YEAH, everyone please stop this child it’s for his own good
Anonymous said: Reading know what i've made by the marks on my hands is really terrifying when not in Izuku's pov because you now know how scary?? it is for some other characters and Izuku looks crazy-- but you know he's not because cheesus???? This kid???????? Honestly I love it so much, thanks for your amazing writing and I want you to know that I enjoy it a LOT.
that’s the goal... showing how weird and strange and bizarre izuku is from everyone else’s point of view... i loved the outside pov bc i got the chance to show how much of a cryptid izuku is, something that izuku himself isn’t even aware of and thus would not make it into his pov
Anonymous said: anon who ((still)) hasn't read bnha here. chapter 3 of msa is amazing. i cannot get over the sheer amount of sass found in such a smol boy. also kirishima is quickly becoming my favorite character because of how supportive and caring he is. kirishima/deku is apparently now something to add to my armada of ships. for that i thank you. also i cannot wait for deku to meet spirit!one for all. it will either be glorious or horrible.
haha im always happy to introduce someone to the wonders of kiri/deku!! its an extremely good friendship... and in my professional opinion everyone should get on it and make it the Hot New Thing. as for ofa, ;3c
Anonymous said: I just thought of this but during Aizawa's interrogation I could totally see his spirit just blatantly looking away from Izuku while Aizawa is asking about his benefactor.
HAHA YUP, i love izuku saying all kinds of stuff about spirits and no one can make any sense of it and meanwhile the spirits are trying to tell him to stop. but izuku cannot and will not be stopped from passive aggressively vaguing about them. he WILL get his complaints in if its the last thing he does
Anonymous said: “I just fixed your entire Quirk, you cabbage.” I'm sorry but this. This is beautiful. I'M GOING TO GO AROUND CALLING PEOPLE CABBAGE NOW
i was worried it was a bit of an overused classic internet insult but this is reassuring :p
Anonymous said: every word that comes out of MSA Izuku's mouth is a blessing
but not to our three heroes and their intrepid intern sidekick...
Anonymous said: Shit after the msa chapter i've got so many questions about Kamino. Did the rescue occur the same with minor variations? Is AfO still down? Did All Might fckin die? Has OfA been passed down yet? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
im uncreative and unoriginal with canon events so we’ll see.... we’ll see.
Anonymous said: MSA CHAPTER 4! I just found it today and I'm already rereading it. I did not know how much I needed sassy dead inside izuku. I Love this fic so much! That cliff hanger was so good! I'm so exciting to see more of izuku's pov. I love kiri but like I can't get enough of this izuku and his thoughts and reactions to things. This is so well written. The pacing in chapter 2 was so good. It felt like a heist and then keeping the readers guessing with not knowing if he was gonna get away was so good!
thank you so much!! im really glad you enjoyed the story that much <3 <3 sassy izuku is a pleasure to write honestly, can’t wait to see him more in future chapters
Anonymous said: Ohhhhhh you should update msa! It's so unbelievably good! I love the interaction between kirishima and izuku! Like I'm so excited to learn more about kamino ward and how that's gonna affect izuku going free and keeping his identy safe
:3c
Anonymous said: In chalter 2 of the msa au, did Kirishima think anything about how Deku said "I swear to every spirit I know"?
he dismissed it as a kind of weird, niche turn of phrase. like oh, guess this guy believes in spirits and junk, but im more worried about literally every other weird thing he’s done today
Anonymous said: So does MSA!Izuku always mess with attempts to record his presence? I feel like this would be kind of a major problem when it comes to getting himself a school ID or the like. (He's going to school somewhere, so he must have a school ID stashed somewhere). You know, they could potentially use this to track his identity down. They can try contacting schools to see if any had issues with one student needing to have an excessive number of photo retakes.
nope, usually izuku can keep it under control! the blood sigil on his collarbone is what really let him passively affect the electronics.
Anonymous said: Ok so msa!Izuku says "he shouldn't" exists, and when I first read that I was really confused, do you mean he shouldn't exist in the way that he sees things he shouldn't, or that he literally should not exists and Inko has no freaking clue where he came from/he was not a planned child?
yes to the first proposal. other than that, spoilers...
#I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS BEFORE I FINISHED ABORT ABORT ABORT#ok i finished we're all good now.#ask#ask compilation#msa stuff
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God I really wish I could talk more about this guy I’m dating rn but its still too soon. I’m also scared bc the timing seems fucked, especially with how close it is to my last ex. I just really wasn’t expecting anything more than a casual hook up from tinder but then something really really nice fell into my lap and its really bad timing bc I’m still processing everything from my last relationship but …. Its really difficult to not be really endeared to this guy for a lot of reasons actually.
And see, the thing is…. I know I said I loved Jeremiah when we broke up but…. The truth is, I care for him but I now realize that I don’t love him anymore. I mean….even when I was saying it I knew in my head that I meant “love” a different way than what others probably saw it as but… Idk.
I just, I keep looking back on it and realizing how deeply unhappy I’ve been in that relationship, and for how long. And I was wrong for holding on to it as long as I did, but tbh I also just wasn’t strong enough to let go. Don’t get me wrong, there was still a lot of times in that relationship that I was happy, but just. There was so many flags that I should’ve caught or done something about but never had the strength to do. And it makes me angry and sad because there were a lot of ways in which I failed both myself AND him. And oh my god you guys, the person I had become in that relationship…. I was genuinely mean to him at times. We both fed off of each others negativity and it just became this endless cycle of constantly fighting and picking each other apart, and neither of us ever felt like the other listened or cared about what we were upset about. Like it was so fucking bad you guys we were both so toxic to each other. And honestly even though I still really care about Jeremiah and his well being its like already so distant…. Like u know what, the idea of him moving on and finding another girl doesn’t bother me at all, and it hasn’t for like 2 weeks now.
I just feel like so much lighter and better of a person not being in that relationship anymore. It was really something that weighed on me and gave me a lot of dread and anxiety and so I did what I always tend to do when something is making me anxious: avoid it. I avoided doing anything about our problems because I couldn’t even think about it myself bc it hurt too much. Jenn would ask me how things are with me and Jeremiah and I would tell her I didnt want to talk about it, which, knowing me, is crazy and tells you right there that something is really wrong. And that wasn’t even like recent either, like it happened on the regular for most of my senior year of college….. Just ugh. Ugh.
But yeah. Right now? I am going through the stage of break up where I’m realizing how fucked up all the shit was and coming to terms with a lot of things. I have been lying to myself and to everyone else bc I didnt want to hurt him and it made it hurt for me less too. In the end though I just ended up hurting him more I think and it makes me really sad that that happened. Idk.
This new person is making me realize a lot of things too btw. Ive made sure to be open about where I’m at right now emotionally with my last break up (basically that I’m still in the middle of processing a lot of it. Not necessarily grieving but processing) and he has been really sweet about it. We have been making sure to take things slow and you guys, I’m really impressed how much he’s held to it, even though its been a little bit difficult haha. We are still getting to know each other but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever had this much instant chemistry with anyone before. Pretty much every (serious) relationship I’ve had has started out as friends first, then the romantic attraction coming later after we got to know each other. With this dude, sparks are fucking flying in the air in front of us lmao its honestly insane. Okay I can’t keep talking too much about this bc I don’t wanna get ahead of myself but, you guys, I am in trouble. I really really wasn’t expecting to meet anybody else that I would like this much this quickly and im kind of mad about it bc I was really really planning on being a single bitch for a while. But holy fuck holy fuck you guys I get along with this guy on such a foundational level so far like….. I’m really freaking out over here. Like I’m a giggling schoolgirl with a crush y'all. I know how these things go though and trust me I am veryyyy aware it could all turn to shit really quickly (which I’m actually carrying quite a bit of baggage about since my last relationship) but I still can’t help myself. I do worry about the outward appearance of me being so giggly and crushy on another person so soon too which is also partially why i dont wanna write too much about it….right now this is probably too much info tbh but honestly ive been using tumblr as a diary for soooo long that part of me just doesn’t give a fuck. I have always been personal on here and tbh I shouldn’t stop myself just cause I’m worried about other people think. The people who are important in my life understand though and are supportive to me so thats what matters really.
I don’t know. There is just a LOT of promise there and although the timing is bad I’m not going to throw it away just cause of that.
alright enough writing I need to eat some food
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You've had so many things happen to you in just the last couple of weeks! Annoying things that seem to all have led to good things. You're doing amazing rn. Much love!
thank you so much, it was so nice of you to send this 😪💐💕
yeah, i know, there have been some Things happening lately and i’ve been trying really hard to cling to them and let them motivate me to maintain that momentum. i guess its just something i find really difficult to express, that like these things happen and they’re good things, or just busy things, but they feel so empty because of the lack of genuine connection in my life
the move is exciting and i’ve been wanting to live in my own nice one bedroom apartment since forever, but even now i’m just struggling to find the motivation for anything w it. i should have had most of my stuff packed yesterday but i still haven’t done any of it because i just wish i had other people to share it with. and i think about the move and as exciting as it is theres a part of me thats like. what? you’re gonna be lonely and miserable just in a different location? it’s not like i have anyone to invite over or any reason to be excited. and im just worried about the money because my rent is doubled now and i have to pay so much money to buy furniture and appliances straight up and i need to find a shitty job that ill hate to fund this life bc i have no skills and im gna burn out kjsf. i feel like im just digging myself into a hole that i can’t get out of, and the pay off feels small. like i wont be able to travel now and doing that is like the only thing that keeps me sane and replenishes me enough to deal w my hell life lkjsf so im just like ! panicked about the whole thing more than excited and feel like im just making bad decisions.
and school is cool but again its just empty. everyone i go to class w and my crew just feel like acquaintances. its all very stressful and so much work to pull stuff like this together and without having people close to me to tell about it, its easy to feel like it’s all just a lot of hard work for barely any reward. or with film the reward definitely comes a long time down the track and its hard to know if it will be a reward when you’re waist deep in 5 million things to do that could go wrong and doubting your creative vision and a million other things. its just really hard to self motivate through this process bc of how much work it is, especially when im already just so depressed and lacking energy and have no fun things to do to take the edge off lkjsf
idk i just slip into depression about this stuff so easily because i spend 98% of my free time alone marinating in my sadness and cant distract myself from it. if i had ppl in my life... just to like, do the bare minimum with. go out to drinks or coffee or go hiking or plan things/just talk to,,, and if i felt like,,, a shred of tenderness,, or connection,,, or like im a part of something or matter or can just like... have fun ! idk i havent had fun in like over 6 months fuck. maybe it would all feel more worthwhile and that life isnt just a big joke and that any accomplishment/changes are hollow af bc i never experience happiness or do anything
idk i always find it super hard to express that feeling but its lonely and im sad and literally everything about life has lost its shine bc im just so alone and unhappy and yearning for connection lkjsfkj c’est la vie
thank u though i appreciate you a lot
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answer them all pls?
1. Are looks important in a relationship? I mean an attraction is necessary for the relationship to work but personality is key.
2. Are relationships ever worth it? Always, even if they don’t work you get to be apart of some amazing persons life even for a little while, I think that,s pretty neat
3. Are you a virgin? No
4. Are you in a relationship? No
5. Are you in love? No, I guess not, but love is confusing af.
6. Are you single this year? Yeah
7. Can you commit to one person? Yeah
8. Describe your crush. Right now there’s not really a crush, there are some cool people that im talking too but rn I’m trying to focus on myself.
(The most cliche thing to say after a break up forgive me)
9. Describe your perfect date - A takeaway then to the pub then a drunken wander then a movie or something idk. I don’t like big fancy things, lowkey and private is best for me.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah
11. Do you ever want to get married? Someday definitely
12. Do you forgive betrayal? I can forgive a lot of things but in any form of a relationship/ friendship I give my all to that person and help however I can. If someone takes advantage of that then no, I can’t forgive that
13. Do you get jealous easily? Nah I trust people to tell me the truth so unless I get given a reason to be jealous then nah im pretty chill
14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Already kinda answered this, not really
15. Do you have any piercings? Yeah just my ears.
16. Do you have any tattoos? I have, my wee squirtle the turtle with a wizard hat on my arm
17. Do you like kissing in public? Not really
20. Do you shower every day? Usually more than once a day
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I dunno, doubt it
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Hell nah, noone needs me running round their head so early in the morning
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I have, I could think of no reason to cheat on someone regardless of time together. If your unhappy in a relationship, leave- don’t act selfishly and hurt the other person just because you’re scared.
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I’m honestly not sure
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? Im not sure, who knows where this year will go. I never thought id be starting this year single and here we are so who knows
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah usually right before they leave
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? nah
28. Have you ever been cheated on? yeah
29. Have you ever cheated on someone? nah, I know how bad it sucks why would I put someone else through that
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Yes on my nose
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Honestly I cry over a stain what do you think?
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yeah
33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yeah
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yeah
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yeah
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Um im not sure tbh bc they would all probably say they like someone even if they didn’t
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yeah
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yeah
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Kinda
41. Have you had sex so far this year? No its been a struggle
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Not long im a handsy person
43. How long was your longest relationship? A year
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Uhh 6????
45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? Fucked if I know that was far to long ago
46. How many times did you have sex last year? A lot, it was fun
47. How old are you? 19
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I’m not sure I like anyone but regardless I would let them be happy
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? N/A
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? No
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? All my friends have all my heart, I would do anything for them in a heartbeat
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes, because sometimes its easier to walk away as much as it hurts sometimes your’re not the person they need and you have to let them find there way without you
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Nope
54. Is there someone you will never forget? Multiple
55. Share a relationship story. If you don’t mind im going to leave this one out. I’m trying my best to get out of this sadness and I don’t think relationship stories are best rn sorry x
56. State 8 facts about your body. I’m tiny, I have a love heart shaped birthmark, I have a scar from when I was burned at a barbecue, My hair grows ridiculously fast, my right foot is smaller than my left, idk i cant think of anything else
57. Things you want to say to an ex. I hope you are truly happy now.
58. What are five ways to win your heart? food, food ,food, food and laughter
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) maybe later x
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? uhhhh 6 years? but that wasnt a relationship just a thing
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? eyes and smile
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? care about me lol
63. What is your definition of “having sex”? idk dude the sexy time is private sexy time as long as everyones having fun
64. What is your definition of cheating? doing something you wouldnt share with your partner
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? idk, i did use to sexy dance in a picachu onsie that was pretty sexy
67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Already answered
68. What is your sexual orientation? Idk, I still identify as a lesbian despite being gender queer idk?
69. What turns you off? Arrogance and Ignorance
70. What turns you on? Affection and like idk women in general
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I had sex with Emma Watson it was wonderful
72. What words do you like to hear during sex? Fuck
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Just come watch movies and drink wine and let me be sad pls
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? im not sure what counts as a superficial characteristic
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? There was this time I was super sad like wouldnt leave my room type thing so some of my friends all got together and made me this kinda care basket with a blanket and some movies and some chocolate (also a unicorn) and we just sat watching movies all day and it was just so lovely and I wont ever be a able to repay them for how loved that made me feel
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Idk im not very good with affection I usually cock it up when I do try
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? There’s always a limit but as long as both are consenting ADULTS then its alright
78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Its a secret for a reason xo
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? I’m not sure, I was angry about something with my ex but I dont think it was jealousy
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Yesterday talking to my mumma
82. Who is the last person you hugged? My mumma
83. Who was your first kiss with? This boy called David
84. Why did your last relationship fail? Oh that is a very long story, perhaps for another day
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Idk maybe?
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